College Football Picks Week 3

September 14, 2011
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

I read each and every one of your emails
The “good” ones and the “bad” ones…

So let me say this…

We are only into the third week of the 2011 college football season

Its way too early for some of you to be swimming laps in the anxiety pool.
So take a deep breath and relax

For just a minute there, I thought you were going to hyperventilate.

Yes I am talking to you…
(You in the blue shirt don’t act like you don’t hear me)

Enough about that…..
Last week I was 64 and 10 or a rather “average” 86% this time of the year.
That leaves us at 142 and 20 or 88% after two weeks in the season.
We have a lot going on in the Sunshine State this weekend so let’s get to it.

Enjoy your picks..

Quote from Memory Lane

“I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me and he said:
“Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren’t any good.”

Walt Garrison – Oklahoma State University and the Dallas Cowboys

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from Telfair County, home of the Telfair County Trojans!!!

I’m happy to report that the boys representing Telfair County pulled out a hard earned victory against Atkinson County in a non-region matchup. Our quarterback, Kevin Clark, was dialed in and went 4 of 8 for 52 yards, including a 22 yard touchdown strike to receiver Albert White. Additionally, our workhorse running back, Rashawn Mackey, got to the century mark in running yards to carry the rest of the load. This is our first win of the young season after going 0-2 and ends a 12 game winless streak dating back to 2009. We play in a tough Region 2A conference and look forward to a successful season.

Now on to our college football recap.
As I’m sure all are aware, the home state Bulldogs fell to the Gamecocks of South Carolina on Saturday. I don’t know about anyone else but to say I was dumbfounded is an understatement. I couldn’t figure out which was worse, coming away with 2 field goals when we should have hung 21 points of our feathered friends, or letting Mr All Defensive player of the century in high school football last year, Jadaveon Clowney, come in untouched and throw Aaron Murray around like a rag doll all the while coughing up the ball. Or how about letting Melvin Ingram personally destroy us with not only a fake punt for a touchdown but also picking up the aforementioned Mr Murray’s fumble and waltz in for a touchdown? Not only will these Dawgs not hunt, I don’t even think they can find their way out from under the front porch.
Thank God for FCS teams and Coastal Carolina being next on the schedule.

And speaking of debacles, how about the Not Far From Done Irish?
Did they really lose that game?
Coach Kelly will have an aneurism, heart attack, stroke, and seizure before the end of the season.
And how about those Auburn Tigers?
They need to contact their brethren in South Bend and request that they send them those pretty clovers for their helmets. The luck won’t last the entire season. But, also, did anybody in the stadium think anyone other than Relf was going to run the ball for Mississippi State at the end of the game? How creative.

Big game for the Texas Longhorns and their revolving quarterback(s).
They used no less than 3. They’d better make sure they have that little issue resolved with the meat and potatoes of the Big Something schedule not far off. Finally, there was Alabama at Penn State. I don’t think the valley was happy later on Saturday evening. I heard the real reason Joe Pa sat up in the press box was because he figured he’d get killed standing along the sidelines with some of those “big ole Alabama whipper snappers flyin around the field. Heck, I had lasik eye surgery and I still couldn’t see that Richardson fella zip my me!!!”

We’ve got a big SEC matchup coming up this weekend.
Tennessee and Florida.

My, I’d love to see those two fan bases do some breeding. Could you imagine?
An entire stadium filled with orange jorts, braided mullets, and no more than 3 teeth between them. There will never be a dental floss shortage with that crew. But there are many question marks as the Gators and Volunteers approach this big game. Chief among them being, what will Charlie Weiss “REALLY” look like in a pair of orange jorts. And among others, whether the UF offense has enough talent to take them to the Promised Land and is Live Oak Florida really the promised land? As for Tennessee, will Tyler Bray remain the accurate helmsman that he appears to be after he actually plays an SEC defense? Too early to tell, especially since the Vols have the Gators sandwiched between Cincy and Buffalo. Yes, that Buffalo, of the MAC. Of the 2 wins in their last 12 tries variety. I see competition written all over this game. Stay tuned to find out.

Lastly, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the most cerebral of games from the past weekend. Yes, it was the IQ bowl. An S.A.T.urday showdown between the Cranial’s.. er… Cardinals of Stanford and the Blue Devils of Duke. Stanford, with Luck at the quarterback position, was head and shoulders the best FOOTBALL team on the field. But, in the little known battle of athletic SAT scores, Duke pulled off the upset with an astounding 1588 to 1491 aggregate team average to win the prestigious Golden Gourde award.
Hats off to the Devils for a job well done.

Until next time,

I’m Harley Hanesworth

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS

LOUISVILLE: After last week’s game with the International Florida Panthers….
I would suggest staying at Howard Johnson’s next time…
Because that Hilton burned you more than once…

TEXAS A&M: I’m being serious….
Can’t we go to the movies and hold hands before we get married?
We hardly know each other

MINNESOTA: No disrespect intended to Coach Kill of Minnesota…
But I would have had a damn seizure too last Saturday if I was coaching the Gophers to a loss against Lasso Larry and the New Mexico State Aggies.

NEW MEXICO STATE: I never thought Lasso Larry could lasso a Ground Hog….
Shows you what I know…Great win Aggies, congratulations.

MISSOURI: Damn it MO, you were that close too…..

IOWA: Don’t start wigging out on me Hawkeye Fans….
There is some good news out of last week’s loss to instate rival Iowa State
You don’t have to bring home that “new” gay looking Cy-Hawk Trophy….

EDITORS NOTE: No need to thank me, I’m a glass half full kind of guy….

TEXAS: It does my heart good to see another McCoy and Shipley in a Longhorn uniform.

But as a side note…..
One of my Loyal Longhorn Followers sent the below picture in response to the picture that was sent some weeks ago from an Oklahoma Sooner, regarding the distain they have for the Texas Longhorns.

I love this time of year, don’t you?

MARIST: I don’t care how Buck treated you last Saturday; you are still a Red Fox.

PURDUE: We can be honest with one another can’t we Boilermakers?

I’m glad that we have that trust between us.
So in the spirit of truthfulness and honesty I tell you this….

You barely squeak by the Taxidermy and Farm Implement College from Middle Tennessee and then you lose to Rice…Seriously?

It’s going to be a long season Boilermakers.

Why you may ask, because you all suck that’s why.

UTAH: Next time Coach don’t just use one Ute in the game….
You have to use two Ute’s if you want to win, you should know that by now…

MISSISSIPPI STATE: BAD Dogs……

THE GAMES

Thursday September 15th

LSU at Mississippi State
This is a Classic Southeastern Conference Matchup
Cats and Dogs
It doesn’t get any better than this, hold on to your seats.
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 31-24

Friday September 16th

Iowa State at Connecticut
When I read that this game featured the “Cyclones and the Husky’s”
I thought…..
Why is a vacuum cleaner company and the “Big” kids section at K-Mart sponsoring this game?
CYCLONES 38-31

Boise State at Toledo
Here is a viewing suggestion…..
If you are channeling surfing and you are in the mood to see a college football team get the living hell beaten out of them by a far superior team, then look no further than this game!
MIGHTY BRONCO’S 141-0

Saturday September 17th

Eastern Washington at Montana
There is no way that an eagle can whip a Grizzly Bear…
I learned that from watching the National Geographic Channel
The Governors Cup goes too….
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 33-17

Oklahoma State at Tulsa
Here is the great news that will come out of this game for Golden Hurricane Fans…
They prove that they are the Third Best College Football team in the Great State of Oklahoma!
The Bronze medal isn’t too bad, so congratulations!
COWBOY UP! 43-10

Utah at Brigham Young
This bitter instate rivalry is called “The Holy War” and it is played for the…
“Beehive Boot”
Why someone would put a Beehive in someone’s boot is beyond me..
Maybe they meant a “Beehive Hairdo in a Boot”
Now I get it….
TWO UTES and a BEEHIVE 31-17

South Carolina State at Indiana
Congratulations Hoosiers!
You found the South Carolina School for the Blind and got them on your schedule
It’s a little early for Homecoming in Loosier Land isn’t it?
LOOSIERS 28-14

Nevada at San Jose State
Say what you want about Jose, but if he is nothing else, he is certainly consistent..
Each and every Saturday he gets his ass kicked whether he wants too or not
WOLF PACK 44-10

Carson Newman at Lenoir-Rhyne
I think this is a miss-print….
I think this should read “Carson Newman at LeAnn Rimes”..
That bony gal doesn’t stand a chance in this game
SPARKS EAGLES 43-24

North Alabama and Abilene Christian
Cowboy Stadium
This is a classic matchup between two outstanding college football programs in Cowboy Stadium in Arlington Texas.
It’s a damn shame this game won’t be nationally televised, because it should be…
MIGHTY LIONS 33-31

West Virginia at Maryland
Before I make the selection on this game I have but one more comment to make concerning the Morgantown West Virginia City Council’s decision to pass a “law” that makes couch burning within the city limits a “felony”.

Seriously?

You had to pass this stupid law now, after I went to all the trouble to get a business license and set-up a second hand furniture store four blocks from the Mountaineer Stadium.
No wonder our economy’s in the tank, the damn government won’t let a man make a living.

“The Mountaineer Shop” was (past tense) going to be the “one-stop shopping” for West Virginia Mountaineer Football Fans….
It “was” going to sell…
Alcohol
Fireworks…
Second hand (Previously owned) Couches of all makes and models
Lighter Fluid and a variety of road flares (For safety) matches, lighters and Dura Flame Logs
And more alcohol….

Not to mention Mighty Mountaineer Game day clothing and apparel

Thanks a lot Jackass’s, you just cost me a small fortune

I will let you all know when I have my “Fire” sale….

LIGHT EM UP!
MOUNTAINEERS 31-28

Oklahoma at Florida State
With all due respect to the rest of the college football nation….
“This is the Game of the Week”
This could easily go either way….
I’m serious
BOOMER SOONERS 28-24

North Texas at Alabama
Three simple words sum this game up nicely….
“Roll Tide Roll”
CRIMSON TIDE 38-10

Coastal Carolina at Georgia
The Dawgs get back to their winning ways between the hedges…
But I am afraid it’s too little to late
SIC EM DAWGS 38-10

Michigan State at Notre Dame
There was a time and a place that this game between the Spartans and the Irish was a big deal
Unfortunately this isn’t the time or the place, sorry.
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 34-24

Washington at Nebraska
I will to be perfectly honest here…..
I have no idea which one of these teams is going to show up….
But I am willing to bet on the….
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 28-24

Stephen F. Austin at Baylor
It is against my religion to say anything derogatory about Stephen F. Austin.
He is the Father of the Republic of Texas….
Enough said….
BEAR DOWN 43-10

Duke at Boston College
This game between a bunch of smart kids reminds me of something.
You know what’s fun to hear smart kids say?
“Abacus”, as in: “Ok which one of you guys has been playing with my abacus?”
That never gets old for me…
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 31-28

Southeast Missouri State at Purdue
Enjoy this game “mighty” Boilermaker Fans!
It may be the last game you win all season….
BOILERMAKERS 24-17

Northwestern at Army
I don’t even think my singing the West Point Fight Song will change the outcome of this game…
The fact I don’t know all the words wouldn’t make any difference either..
WILDCATS 38-17

Southeastern Louisiana at Southern Miss
The Rand McNally Lions of Southeastern get tamed in Hattiesburg
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-17

Navy at South Carolina
I remember a time in 1984…..
The Gamecocks were the Number one team in the country and the Midshipmen…
Came to Columbia South Carolina and knocked them off….
This isn’t Déjà Vu all over again….
But it will be closer than what you might think
GAMECOCKS 34-24

Florida A&M at South Florida
The rattlers of A&M are in a rebuilding year or I would pick them to win
And that’s NO BULL
BULLS 31-21

Miami (OH) at Minnesota
Let me be sure I have this correct….
The O’ So Golden Gophers play the Southern California Trojans to the last play in a close game.
Then I write how “The Gophers are the real deal”….
Then you dumbass’s lose to New Mexico State and Lasso Larry at HOME.
This one is a tossup….
O’ SO VERY GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-17

EDITORS NOTE: I pray the “Big Ten Network” doesn’t televise the game between Purdue and Minnesota on October 8th. That may be the first ever game called because nobody gives a crap.

Wisconsin at Northern Illinois
I can’t put a happy face on this matchup; it’s just going to be ugly
BEHOLD THE POWER of CHESSE WHIZ 49-0

Western Illinois at Missouri
Typically when MO gets this mad either Curley or Larry get poked in the eye
Unfortunately this time it will be the Western Leathernecks…
MO’S TIGERS 41-10

Auburn at Clemson
Tigers, Tigers and More Tigers….
DABO’S TIGERS 43-34

Ohio State at Miami
These Days…
The Hurricanes can’t generate enough wind to qualify as a popcorn fart…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 31-14

Central Florida at Florida International
I am going with an UPSET SPECIAL on this game….
That Hilton kid with the Panthers is something special
PANTHERS 31-28

Northwestern State at Southern Methodist
My Ponies get saddled up and stampede the Demons of State
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-17

Syracuse at Southern California
The Trojans have played Houdini and escaped with wins the past two weeks…
Make it three weeks in a row…
LAME TROJANS 31-28

Hawaii at UNLV
This game begs the question…
(Other than why should we care, because we all know we don’t)
When does Dog the Bounty Hunter return to A&E for the 2011 Season?
I know it’s like I can read your mind sometimes
WARRIORS Bounty Hunting on RAINBOWS 33-24

Buffalo at Ball State
You know what it means when this game comes on television, don’t you?
It means you have at least three full hours to make another liquor and or beer run before the kickoff of the Tennessee – Florida game.
Glad I could help…
CARDINALS 41-10

Louisville at Kentucky
“The Battle for the Bluegrass”
This game is played for the Commonwealth Cup
There isn’t anything bigger than this in the Commonwealth of Kentucky on Saturday
This one is going to get downright hateful….
JOKERS CATS 24-21

Minot State at Montana State
Some of you may not be aware of this but…
Minot North Dakota has two seasons….
“Winter” and “Fourth of July”
Just so you know…
BOBCATS 43-10

Kansas at Georgia Tech
The Jayhawks football team couldn’t score at a women’s prison with a fist full of pardons.
Enough said…
YELLOW JACKETS 33-14

Central Michigan at Western Michigan
I have a sneaking suspicion that “someone” from Michigan is going to win this game…
CHIPPEWAS’S 31-28

Wyoming at Bowling Green
Simply put….
Cowboy Down
FALCONS 28-17

Houston at Louisiana Tech
The Bulldogs of Tech have one heck of a problem..
The Boys from H-Town are rolling into Ruston
MIGHTY COUGARS 38-17

Tennessee at Florida
This classic Southeastern Conference Rivalry game isn’t played for any stupid trophy.
But the game has all the ingredients of a classic rivalry game; it has an abundance of…
Hate….
More Hate…
Topped off with even more Hate and an unhealthy dose of animosity
Welcome to SEC Football….
MIGHTY GATORS 27-24

EDITORS NOTE: One screw-up by the gators and this game will go the other way..
Believe it…

Ole Miss at Vanderbilt
Call me crazy if you want too………….
The Mighty Commodores (without Lionel Richie) are going to be 3 and 0…
BRICKHOUSE COMMODORES 24-21

Pittsburgh at Iowa
The Hawkeyes faded in the fourth quarter last week and it cost them the game
Lightening won’t strike in the same place twice…
At least I don’t think it will….
HAWKEYES

Texas Tech at New Mexico
If you are wondering why the “mighty” Red Raiders are continuing to play this rather unusual “out of conference” schedule, the answer is quite simple. Coach Tommy Tubby is trying to pad his wins before he gets his ass kicked by Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas, Texas A&M, Missouri and possibly Kansas and or Kansas State if the Wildcat faithful are able to bring Bill Snyder’s petrified body to the Pep Rally.
So after rousing wins over the Northern Colorado Lamaze Academy and the Navaho School for Sand Painting this strategy practically “guarantees” Coach Tommy Tubby a slot in the Dulcolax Suppository Bowl in Newark, New Jersey.
No need to thank me for clearing that up, it’s what I do…
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS!
YOU ARE DULCOLAX SUPPOSITORY BOWL BOUND! 43-10

UTEP at New Mexico State
This battle in the desert is called…..
“The Battle of I-10” and it’s played for the Silver Spade……
As damn hot as it is there the game should be played for an Industrial Air Conditioning Unit..
LASSO LARRY 24-21

Marshall at Ohio
This rivalry game between these two storied programs is called “The Battle for the Bell”
It’s going to be a dandy and an Upset….
WE ARE MARSHALL 31-28

Virginia at North Carolina
Two of the most schizophrenic teams in all of college football meet to “find themselves”
I have no idea who is going to show up or who is going to win this one…
CAVALIERS 21-17

Arkansas State at Virginia Tech
The Fighting Turkeys were “almost” upset last week by Kerry’s Cuticle and Hair Extension College, nothing to worry about this week….
Enter the Sandman
HOKEY POKEY 38-10

Texas at UCLA
I don’t believe in “revenge” games; it’s a waste of time and effort to focus on such trivial things.
But if there ever was a good reason to have a “revenge game, this would be it…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 28-21

Washington State at San Diego State
I will be watching my beloved Longhorns (See above) so I really don’t care about this game
UPSET SPECIAL (if you care…)
ANCIENT AZTECS 31-28

Garner Webb at Wake Forest
I have a philosophical question…
If Garner Webb and San Jose State played each other, is it theoretically possible that neither team would win and yet they would beat the hell out of each other?
I’m just asking…
DEMON DEACONS 33-10

Missouri State at Oregon
The Quacks are going to wear their “all black” Darth Duck uniforms for this game…
Just when you think they couldn’t get any Gayer…
They raise the Gay Bar that much higher..
QUACKS 56-10

Presbyterian at California
This game is intriguing because it matches’s….
The Blue Ho’s against the California Media Ho’s….
I wish the Presbyterian Ho’s could win this one, but they can’t…
So Enough Said..
KEEPING UP with the BEAR HO’S 28-17

Savannah State at Appalachian State
There is an old saying in the Appalachian Mountains….
There is more than one way to skin a Savannah Tiger
I am fairly confident that is how the saying goes..
MOUNTAINEERS 34-10

Akron at Cincinnati
This Battle in Buckeye Land should be a good one…
I am going with the Boys from the Home of Skyline Chili
CHILI TOWN 28-24

Louisiana Monroe at Texas Christian
Monroe is never going to live this one down…
He is going to get his ass kicked by a horned frog
MIGHTY HORNED FROGS 43-10

Idaho at Texas A&M
The “Ida Honkies” are rolling into College Station…
Let’s get this party started…
GIG EM AGGIES 44-10

Kent State at Kansas State
I would feel better about Kent “if” it were called “Clark Kent State”
Sometimes I hope for too much…
WILDCATS 17-10

Indiana State at Western Kentucky
Run for your Damn lives it’s a FIGHTING TREE!
I seriously don’t get it….
HILLTOPPERS 28-21

Eastern Michigan at Michigan
The Wolverines conclude their….
“Beat up every little College in Michigan to make us feel better about ourselves Tour”
What some folks will do to boost their self-esteem….
WOLVERINES 38-17

Penn State at Temple
Joe Pa is angry and you know what that means, right?
Somebody is going to break a hip…
JOE PA’S LIONS 34-17

Troy at Arkansas
One last tune-up for the Hogs before they meet the Crimson Tide in T Town next week
HAWGZILLA’S 43-10

Colorado State at Colorado
This bitter instate rivalry is called “The Rocky Mountain Showdown”…
The winner of the game takes home the “Centennial Cup”
But more importantly….
They have bragging rights for another 365 days….
ROCKY RAMS 31-28

Stanford at Arizona
This is the VERY best game on Saturday Night beginning at 2400 EST on TBS
Believe it…
CARDINAL 28-17

Enjoy your games…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

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3 Responses to College Football Picks Week 3

  1. The BamaPrincess on September 15, 2011 at 10:59 am

    Ohhh – so have missed these articles . . . college football should not have such a long off-season!!

    I really do have an abacus . . . never mind . . .

    Did you hear the announcers during the Bama game?? This is almost verbatim:

    (speaking after first or second play by PSU) . . :”This is not the same Penn State team Bama faced last year, that’s for sure.”

    No duh!

    Glad you are back!!

    ROLL TIDE ROLL

  2. Jimmy Ejide on September 17, 2011 at 8:41 am

    How about my dem Vol’s 2-0! MIGHTY GATORS 27-24…I can live with that score!!!

    Evil Genius is back and you said it right. “…letting Mr All Defensive player of the century in high school football last year, Jadaveon Clowney, come in untouched and throw Aaron Murray around like a rag doll all the while coughing up the ball. Or how about letting Melvin Ingram personally destroy us with not only a fake punt for a touchdown but also picking up the aforementioned Mr Murray’s fumble and waltz in for a touchdown? Not only will these Dawgs not hunt, I don’t even think they can find their way out from under the front porch.”

  3. IMATXN on September 17, 2011 at 11:39 am

    I wish I wasn’t addicted to this site because frankly I can’t put it in the Texas ‘bonfire’.

    Anyway…the predictions are right on and the stories so funny I cry. Just saying….

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