College Football Preseason Extravaganza Part II

August 10, 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen –

As promised….
The second installment of the College Football Preseason Extravaganza for your viewing pleasure.
Let the countdown begin…

Kickoff is right around the corner


How to Make College Football Better….

We all dearly love our college football.
Regardless of the size of the school or size of the stadium there is nothing like the passion, pageantry and the excitement of a college football game.
I want to assure you all that I am not talking about rule changes to our beloved game here, like the National Football League does each and every season. Their brand of football is closer to “two hand touch” in most instances than anything resembling our beloved game of football.

What I am referring to are those elements, those intangible things and “not so” intangible things that will make our college football more enjoyable and will preserve the integrity of the game we love for generations.

Universities and Colleges need to stop bowing at the NCAA altar of political correctness and changing their mascots to suit some fringe group of gibbering idiots because they “get their feelings hurt” or are “offended” by a particular mascot. The same rule applies to some liberal limp wristed alumni who want to change their schools mascot. If you don’t like the tradition of your university or college then how about this for an idea, don’t send them any money and stop supporting their sports programs.
Problem solved.

Instead we have some isolated wimpy alumni and administration officials in the case of New Mexico State University, who held hands and cried crocodile tears together and they changed their long time mascot “Pistol Pete” into “Lasso Larry”. Because, according to the university administration “having a mascot with a foam rubber gun sends the wrong message.”

EDITORS NOTE: Having a university mascot with a foam rubber gun doesn’t make people violent; changing their damn mascot makes people potentially violent. Got it?

And then to add insult to injury, New Mexico State University PAID an “artist” fifty thousand dollars (yes, that’s $50,000.00 DOLLARS) to design the “new” Lasso Larry mascot uniform.

EDITORS NOTE: Yeah, that was money well spent.
But if it makes you feel any better, the mentally challenged butt monkey’s that run Ole Miss paid a lot more than that for the “design” of their “new” dumbass mascot’s uniform.

It is inconceivable to me why universities decide after decades of a tradition or traditions to suddenly change those traditions in the “spirit of diversity” or to chase the almighty dollar.
You can say I am “old fashioned” if you want to but I prefer to think of myself as purest.
I don’t believe you should predicate the value of a college tradition based on a dollar.

Because some universities adhere to the philosophy of “Money Rules”
We no longer will have a Nebraska – Oklahoma Football Game….
That used to be the biggest game of the year….

Now days we have college teams switching conferences like most of us change our socks.

Mascots change (See Above) because Chief Juniper Stinkeye of the Hokey Pokey Tribe is “offended” and the NCAA says you have to change it or they will “punish” the offending university.
What the hell is that all about?

Some Universities have prostituted their respective programs to suit whoever their sponsor is such as the University of NIKE Oregon Ducks. Those poor saps will do whatever NIKE CEO Phil Knight wants.

Some will change their uniforms and logos….

Others will move the location of traditional games such was the case of the Iron Bowl.
I miss those games played in Birmingham “The Football Capital of the South” it used to say.

Some of the greatest games ever played were played in Legion Field in Birmingham.

And despite what you may have heard or read, Birmingham is a great town with a great football tradition and atmosphere, or at least it was.

I do miss those days…..
You can travel across this entire land and ain’t no place like Birmingham

I think it should be illegal to show any scores other than college football scores during any college football game. The fact of the matter is IF any of us really cared about the Paraguay Bobsledding Team we would be watching that crap instead of college football.
Same goes for Major League Baseball…..
Basketball (Anything)
Ice Skating (Which in reality is Hockey with music and without the sticks and gloves)
Soccer (Because it really isn’t a sport)
Racing of any type….to include unicycles, mopeds etc.
Track and Field Results (The only thing more boring than Track is Field)
Golf (If they had Windmills a giant plastic Gorilla and a Pirate ship on the course I might be tempted to watch it)
Tennis (Not a sport, because Frenchmen can play it)

This rule also applies to “Breaking News”
During our college football game we don’t care to hear about riots in Spain, famine in Africa, or a Ferry that turned over in India. It’s not that we are insensitive; we just don’t give a damn.

Any violation of this law should be punishable with a year of listening to nothing but Slim Whitman Albums. That would teach them a lesson.

What is wrong with all these networks pushing their “Latest” and Greatest” television programs during a college football game? I despise the way they worm it into conversations during the game.

Steve the Announcer: “Jim that was a flagrant penalty on that play”

Jim the Announcer: “It was almost criminal the way he hit that wide receiver”

Steve the Announcer: “Speaking of criminal, a new season of “Criminal Minds” will be on Sunday Night’s seven o’clock central and eight o’clock eastern time. It promises to be a cliff hanger to start the year”

My God make it stop already!
This could easily be classified as cruel and unusual punishment by the Geneva Convention particularly if this message is delivered by ESPN’s Pam Ward.

This practice should end immediately or I would recommend sentencing the offender to spend a month in Vern Lundquest’s underwear. While he is wearing them….

Speaking of college football announcers…..
Where is the Great Keith Jackson when you need him?
He was and will always be the voice of college football (Amen)
Keith called the game as he saw it….
He didn’t offer his opinions or cite “What I would do here is…”
He didn’t talk to hear his own voice…
He didn’t criticize the kids or the coaches….
He just called the game, right down the middle.
Keith was and always will be a gentleman of the game of college football.

The latest crop of college football announcers are more students of Jacque Cousteau than of the Great Keith Jackson. I say this is, because most of them seem to have a snorkel hanging out of their butt, because they never seem to take a breath during the whole damn game and can’t shut the hell up for five seconds.

All “potential” college football announcers should be forced to watch every college football game Keith Jackson ever announced and then sign a release that would limit them to the number of words they could use during any college football telecast. Violating such signed agreement would result in having the announcers tongue stapled to the roof of his or her mouth for one week.

College Football networks and Media Outlets pay close attention….
Believe it or not, we really don’t need ten damn people setting around in a network studio telling us the upcoming game is important. We know that already (Dumbass’s) that’s why we are watching it! And then to switch back to the studio at halftime just to hear some of the same “masters of the obvious” rehash what we already saw, is nothing short of mind numbing.
The reason I say this is….
If a team is down 28 points at halftime
Guess what?
We already KNOW they need to score more points in the second half or they are going to lose! You don’t need to tell us that jackass’s; we figured it out on our own!
Listening to that mindless dribble is an assault on the senses.

I like it the way it was “Back in the Day”…..
When the networks would show the marching bands at halftime and run the scores at the bottom of the screen. After all, those kids put just as much time into their craft as the football players do and the marching bands ARE a part of the pageantry and tradition of college football.

While I am on this subject
Why not let the players introduce themselves before the game….
They would say their name, position and hometown and what year they are in college….
It can be pre-recorded, no problem.
That was how it used to be done and it was cool.

NOW for the REPLAY
Stop spending 15 minutes and two commercials on a play that lasted .00001 second to determine if the player “actually had possession of the ball.” You don’t need to break a football play down frame by frame like the Abraham Zapruder Film to determine if “something’ happened.

Make the call and move on….

Stop with the Tracy Wolfson’s of the college football world and her ridiculous commentaries and while we are at it, have that mole removed from her face it makes me want to throw up.

The sideline reporters should be knowledgeable of the game…
Like Holly Rowe or Erin Andrews

Those two ladies actually have insight into the game.
Unlike Tracy who was more concerned with Cammy Cam Juice last season than she was with anything else.

And don’t get me started on the fake tan bimbos in the game day studios before the game.

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously, Tracy needs to get that mole removed from her face, it makes me sick. And don’t tell me you don’t stare at it too.

Is it too much to ask to have commercials that are “appropriate” for college football game days?
I don’t want to see any of the following…

Any commercial that has anything to do with extending my “personal” business
(My personal business is just fine, thank you)

Any commercial with that Saintly older guy with a gray beard wanting me to send money to feed and clothe some little future terrorists from a third world country
(If those kids are that damn hungry why doesn’t he feed them, he is setting right next to them)

Don’t show any commercials concerning “substance abuse” during a college football game.
(We all know what we are abusing, we don’t need a tutorial)

Any commercial promoting a medicine for Diarrhea
(I do not want to be wondering if the cheese I used on the nachos had expired last month when we are going for it on fourth and one and I certainly don’t want to take the precautionary measure of wearing a leaf bag around my waist in the fourth quarter)

Under no circumstance do I want to see any commercials having anything to do with any “female products” of any kind, sort, make or model.
(This should be rather self explanatory)

Lastly, I don’t want to see any commercials on College Football Game Days with midgets.
(Enough said)

To make our College Football Saturday’s more enjoyable…
CBS College Football Announcer Gary Danielson should be euthanized.


Q: Dear Mister Wizard
My wife Darla and I lived our whole lives right here in Elizabethton Tennessee and we is all lifelong Tennessee Volunteer fans and you better damn well believe it.
So here’s my question.
My wife and daughter and me want to make the pilgrimage to see the Country Music Hall of Fame in Music City Tennessee, which is in Nashville in case you didn’t know.
Now I heard that when we drive to Nashville that we “lose” an hour.
Does that mean we is going back in time?
How can that be?

Herbert and Susie – Elizabethton, Tennessee

A: Yes it does Herbert, please dress appropriately for 1953

Q: Hey Dude
I’m Like a Miami Hurricane fan, right?
And I live in Miami, so I’m a Miami Hurricane Fan dude.
So anyway, right, so the other day I was smoking some of this cactus I found in my apartment and dude I was blazing it up! Anyway I have a question, hang on.
So right I was smoking this cactus right and bro it was like giving me visions right?
So I saw the Hurricanes like winning the National Championship this year and I was climbing the goal post and screaming Canes! Canes! Canes!
Dude it was like unbelievable!
So like are the Miami Hurricanes going to win the National Championship this year?

Jimmy – Miami, Florida

A: Jimmy by using the term “visions” do you actually mean “hallucinations”?
Because you are hallucinating if you think the Miami Hurricanes are going to win the ACC Championship much less the National Championship this year.

Q: Dear Sir
My Name is Jeddah and I live in Lancaster Pennsylvania.
I propose to have the first Amish strip club in the entire nation.
It’s my goal to make it as wild and crazy as possible.
Sometime during the girls routine I think they should take their modest hats off and let their hair down, I know that is outrageous!
I think there will be buggies from all over the tri-cities area here!
I am keeping it straight up 18th century!
You may think I’m crazy, but what do you think?

Jeddah – Lancaster, Pennsylvania

A: Jeddah I think…..
You are going to hell with your internet and unrestricted use of electricity.

Q: Dear Wizard
I have question, let’s say that a fictitious quarterbacks coach at a college who has a college quarterback with a “partying problem” which I personally don’t think is much of a problem because I don’t judge people.

Let’s say that this fictitious quarterbacks coach gets liquored up and fictitiously urinates in public and people see his personal business in the process and they call the police and he gets arrested.
Do you think he should be fired?

Anonymously – The University of South Carolina, Columbia South Carolina

A: I think Ole Coach Steve “Tough on Crime” Spurrier already let you off the hook.
Put the beer down for a minute and read the paper dumbass and you would know.

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard
I don’t know if you can help me, but frankly I am out of ideas.

I know this doesn’t have anything to do with College Football (but it kind of does) and I have a real problem.
I am a diehard Oklahoma Sooners football fan and I am trying to stop smoking.
Last year I smoked the crap out of cigarettes (particular when we lost) and it started at the beginning of the damn season just like you said it would. Damn it.
So I am taking all this stupid stuff to get me to stop smoking.
And the side effects are worse than smoking!
So one of the side effects it mentions is headaches, right?

What the hell is that?
I have migraines out the kazoo now!
Then to make matters worse (If that’s possible)
The medicine said “I could experience muscle cramps”

Well I am drawed up like a damn flamingo with one leg up perched up underneath my ass and one arm curled under my damn arm pit! Hell I am typing this with one free arm!

So what the hell do you think I should do!!!!!

Craig – Stigler, Oklahoma

A: Craig we live in difficult times and rarely do I give medical advice in this column.
Typically that kind of advice is reserved for my other column “Turn your head and cough with Dr. Mike”. However, I would suggest drinking heavily to counteract the effects of the medication you are currently taking. At the very least your leg should drop down and your arm will relax and you should be able to urinate like a human being.

Q: Hey Wizard Man!

I know you hate the Mighty Damn War Eagles won the National Championship and we whipped yawls ass and won the Super Bowl but I got me problem.

I married a gal who her family is ALL University of Georgia Bulldog fans, you believe that?
Well they hate my ass and to tell you the truth I ain’t to found of them neither.

But here is where it gets sticky and not in a gross and disgusting kind of way, like the last party we had when I got tore up from the frame up and went streaking through the chicken house.

My Brother in Law “Big Dawg Steve”
(He got that damn nickname because he’s a Georgia Bulldog fan, get it?)
Anyways he and his wife come down here to visit us in Loachapoka Alabama, just outside of Auburn
(Hell yeah! And War Damn Eagle!)
So one thing to led to another because he “claims” I said something about them Georgia Bulldogs and how bad they suck and can’t win a damn thing and UGA is a bitch and before you know it a damn fight done broke out! Well not only did he “claim” to whip my ass, but he destroyed everything in my entire previously owned double wide trailer! TOO include my entire Franklin Mint Wizard of Oz Collection and my genuine Mickey Mouse Bedside Clock and Matching lamp purchased from none other Disney World, and it don’t get any more official than that!

So’s the insurance man come by and says my place is totaled!
He says it comes to slightly over eleven dollars worth of damage!

I hate like hell to cause a big ole family problem but I need that eleven dollars to get a new place so what do you think I should do?

War Damn Eagle!

Carl “Big Boy” – Loachapoka Alabama

A: Carl I think you need a new insurance agent and a lesson in self defense.
Those Georgia Boys all know how to fight.

Q: Sir,
I just wanted to send you a short note to clarify an incident that happened recently and how it was reported. Contrary to various news outlets reported, I was NOT hit on the sidelines at practice in an incident that caused me bodily injury.
What actually happened is that I was having a jovial moment with the boys.
We pretended that we finally beat Ohio State this year and my guys, bless their hearts, got really excited. They were so pumped up that they picked me up to simulate carrying me off the field after that glorious moment.
Well, they got a little too close to the bench, one of the linemen stumbled, and I toppled to the ground. Then the trouble really started as 5 or 6 of the guys from the defensive line fell on top of me and that’s when I was severely hurt.
I want it known that even though I’m just a bit senile and don’t move as quick as I used to, that I aim to continue to patrol the sidelines as in years past.

Joe Paterno
Head Coach
Penn State University

PS Please find the attached photo of me growling like a lion at a recent practice to give my boys some added motivation

A: You’re the Man Joe Pa

Post Commentary Comment

The College Football Hall Of Fame recently inducted their class of 2011….
It included former University of Alabama Head Coach and Texas A&M “Junction Boy”
Coach Gene Stallings….

There has been no finer Coach or no finer human being in all of College Football

Congratulations Coach, you sure deserve this wonderful honor.
We miss you and your beautiful family, especially John Mark….

Next week you will have your third and Final Installment of the Preseason College Football Extravaganza that will answer your questions of who will win what Championships.

And maybe a surprise or two

So Stay Tuned….



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4 Responses to College Football Preseason Extravaganza Part II

  1. Kaye on August 11, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    I agree with you especially about Keith Jackson He was the very best!
    Of course Pam is irritating.

    AND the commercials for prime time viewing is completely insane.
    Perhaps football scores and schedules should be announced during
    prime time shows

  2. Witch Doctor 22 on August 12, 2011 at 8:24 am

    Mr. Wizard,

    What are your thoughts on the website provided? Roll Tide


    WitchDoctor 22

  3. MEB on August 12, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    Doc –

    I didn’t see a website link….Is it a “stealth” site?


  4. The BamaPrincess on August 16, 2011 at 10:03 am

    LOVE me some Coach Stallings!!

    Stupid Gary Danielson, I believe he was the one who said, “I love to see a receiver use his hands to make the play.” WTH???

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