War Eagle!

July 5, 2011
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

It would seem that I inadvertently set off some premature 4th of July Fireworks with my article last week on the 2010 National Champion Auburn Tigers.

I certainly didn’t mean to be unduly negative before a holiday weekend.

So with that in mind, I hope to make up for last week’s article with a cheerful and positive spin on the ongoing NCAA Investigation into Cam Newton and the Auburn Tigers.

Enjoy….

TIGER BLING

The Championship rings are out on the plains for the 2010 National Champion Auburn Tigers!

I am so glad they decided to put these rings out on display for the fans to enjoy, particularly the ring with the Lombardi Trophy on it. I must have been too busy at the end of January to notice but I had no idea the Tigers also won the Super Bowl!

Congratulations Super Bowl Champs! War Eagle!

TWEET TWEET

As you may have read or heard the North Carolina Tar Heels football team is in A-Lot of trouble with the NCAA. And one of the things the NCAA is going to charge the North Carolina athletic department with is “failure to monitor social networking sites of the individual players”

You know what that means right? It means the athletic department should be monitoring MySpace, Faces in a Book and Twitter accounts of ALL the student-athletes.

Gosh that sure sounds like a big job to me!

But I guess this NCAA rule is only in effect across the Appalachian Mountains, because you may have heard what Auburn football player Jordan Spriggs “tweeted” during this past spring semester

“Who is good at writing papers??? I can Pay!”

EDITORS NOTE: Before all you haters start getting mad at Auburn or me because this is a positive article right? I am SURE this doesn’t constitute cheating or any kind of NCAA violation.
Because Coach Gene Chizik said it was nothing more than a “joke”.

That’s good enough for me! War Eagle!

EYE OF THE TIGER

In seasons past the Auburn Tigers would enter Jordan Hare Stadium to the riveting sound of one hit wonder Survivor playing “Eye of the Tiger”. But this year in honor of 2010 Heisman Trophy winner Cam Newton the mighty Auburn Tigers will enter the stadium to multi-platinum recording artist and accused pedophile Michael Jackson’s “Smooth Criminal”

I personally think is a wonderful tribute to a great athlete and a humble sportsman.

War Eagle!

THE POWER OF WORDS

My crack research staff, here at the CFB Wizard Headquarters, has recently uncovered a number of extremely “negative” articles about Cam Newton while he was a student at the University of Florida.

I for one was flabbergasted!

But once I regained my composure I was determined to right this wrong.

Because it’s all in how you write it.

So with that being said let me make this clear…..

Cam Newton didn’t “steal” another student’s laptop at the University of Florida

He simply borrowed a laptop he was unfamiliar with from someone he didn’t know.

Cam Newton didn’t “run away” from the police in Gainesville

He was simply going out for a run around midnight because he couldn’t sleep and he couldn’t hear the police yelling at him to stop because he was listening to his father (The Right Reverend Cecil Newton) Sunday sermons on his IPod.

Cam Newton Never “lied” to the police about the laptop in his possession.

He simply gave the police an alternative version of events that transpired which conflicted with the eye witness’s accounts of the incident.

Cam Newton wasn’t dismissed from the University of Florida for “cheating” on his tests or failing to attend classes.

He was so smart he simply knew all the answers in advance.
“Hello”? Have you ever heard of clairvoyance? Yeah, it’s a gift.

EDITORS NOTE: I hope this has cleared his good name for future generations. War Eagle!

PASS THE COLLECTION PLATE

Some people have made some very ugly accusations concerning Cam Newton’s father, the Right Reverend Cecil Newton.

They have gone as far as to besmirch the character of this good and decent man of the cloth.

They have openly attacked a man who is a pillar of his community and a man who has a reputation second only to Gandhi.

They have accused this fine leader of his church of selling his son’s services to the highest bidder.

Shame on them!

I know for a FACT after visiting the Right Reverend Cecil Newton’s simple house of worship that there is NO way he could have been involved in such foolishness.

And just to prove my point I took this picture last January in the church he pastors.

I hope this puts an end to the unfair and horrible accusations hurled at this wonderful Pastor and Proud Father.

War Eagle!

PASSION

The Auburn Tiger faithful are some of the most passionate fans in all of college football.

Many will hitch their homes to their trucks and make the long trek to Jordan Hare for games on Saturday or stay anxiously glued to their television sets while one or more relatives and friends hold the satellite dish in the proper position to watch their beloved Tigers play football.

I think the passion of the Auburn Tiger fans can best be summed up by recent Heisman Trophy winner and Quarterback of the 2010 National Championship Auburn Tigers, Mr. Cam Newton.

When he so eloquently stated…..

“I likes jumping in them stands after I score…
because them Tiger fans likes to be touching me in the naughty place”

EDITORS NOTE: Well put sir, well put.

THE COACH’S BOOK

Recently Coach Gene Chizik released his book on the miraculous 2010 Auburn Tigers Season entitled “All In”. This phrase comes from the Auburn Tigers Football team’s battle cry during the 2010 football season.

Unfortunately the original cover of the book has been changed for reasons that continue to confound me. But I happen to have one of the original copies and share this with you here.

Cam and Gene look happy together, don’t you think? And for the record those are NOT NCAA Investigators chasing them in the background!

All In! War Eagle!

THE STATUE and THE CONTROVERSY

Auburn University Athletic Director Jay Jacobs commented on recent criticism from the media to place Heisman Trophy Winner Cam Newton’s statue on wheels, so it can be wheeled out each day to be placed next to the other Auburn Heisman Trophy winners, Pat Sullivan and Bo Jackson and then subsequently wheeled back in the evening into an area of safe keeping within the Auburn Athletic Department.

“The decision to put Heisman Trophy Winner Cam Newton’s statue on wheels has nothing to do with the ongoing NCAA Investigation. We decided to place his bronze likeness on wheels because a number of the Auburn Tiger faithful were worshiping the statue while attempting to milk the bronze statue for Cammy Cam Juice.”

THE GREAT DICTATOR

Some have called Auburn Trustee Bobby Lowder a “Dictator”.

They should be ashamed of themselves.

Most folks in the Auburn athletic department prefer to think of Bobby Lowder as a benevolent God like creature from a mythical time. They prefer to see him as a beautiful white unicorn with majestic wings that ride the currents of the eastern winds bestowing such riches and favors on those subjects within his kingdom as he, in his infinite wisdom, sees fit.

While occasionally using the horn on his regal head to dispose of coaches and heretics like Terry Bowden and Tommy Tuberville.

Tiger Beat magazine has called Bobby “Dreamy” and “The Hottest thing to come out of Birmingham since the 1968 race riots”

I couldn’t agree more

THE HUMBLE SPORTSMAN

Every university has that one athlete that every parent or educator would like their children or students to emulate because he is a role model for future generations.

Look no further than the role model for the youth of the 21st century

Cam Newton: accomplished athlete, humble classy sportsman…

And the voice of his generation: a singer of songs for the whole family.
The below was taken while he was in Bling Bling Community College before he enrolled at Auburn University.

EDITORS NOTE: Before any of you get your underwear in a wad…..
Cam Newton was not “bleeped” in the above video because he was using profane language.
On the contrary, he was “bleeped” because he was giving a “shout out” to a number of missionaries from his father (The Right Reverend Cecil Newton) Church.
You feel bad about what you were thinking now, don’t you?

CFB Wizard Commentary

I hope this positive article on the 2010 Auburn Tigers and Heisman Trophy Winner Cam Newton has eliminated any doubt concerning their less than outstanding contribution to not only college football, but sportsmanship and humanity as a whole.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

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3 Responses to War Eagle!

  1. The BamaPrincess on July 5, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    Preach it Brother Mike, Preach it!!! ROFL!!! My favorite is the church sign . LOVE IT!!!!

    The BamaPrincess

  2. kaye on July 6, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    More! More!

    Roll Tide Roll

  3. Bulldog Jim on July 9, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    BAMA Mike, Been dorment for awhile—new e-mail address! I already entered it above. Hope that is okay. Will be in touch. Much love, BJ

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