Liquid Plumber

June 8, 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen –

We are going to take quick break from the Soap Opera that has become College Football:
To provide a Summer Safety Tip for all my loyal readers….

We will return later with tales from the Plains of Auburn….
The potential reemergence of Fat Phil Fulmer as the University of Tennessee Athletic Director
And attempt to solve the mystery of whatever happened to the Reggie Bush’s Heisman Trophy and discuss the 2004 (vacated) National Championship.

And yes, we will have more on the ongoing saga in Buckeye Land….


As I have chronicled in other articles, there are a lot of things in this life I simply don’t understand.

And one of those things is the commercials they show on television.

I know many of you find some of them amusing and I do too, but I am not talking about the Budweiser Clydesdales here. I am talking about those commercials that knowingly deceive you with their smooth delivery and false promises.

More specifically I am talking about the laxative commercials.

At the end of each commercial regardless of the product the announcer always says….
“For gentle natural relief” of constipation……

I don’t know about you but I haven’t experienced anything “gentle” or “natural” from those products.

And the makers of the products always give them a name that will give you the impression that the product are indeed “gentle and natural” and they cover the label with butterflies and lilies to further the ruse.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think in the name of fairness and accuracy you should rename your product “Butt Splatter” (although I think it would be more appropriate in most cases)

All I am saying here is be honest about your product.

And anyone out there who has ever taken or been forced to take castor oil knows exactly what I mean.

Forty five minutes after a tablespoon of that vile substance which tastes like a mercury flavored city bus tailpipe, you need to be where you need to be and God forbid if you stub your toe, or drop your keys.

Because any sudden movement or jarring can cause….

How can I put this gently?

It will cause a sudden drop in the atmospheric condition as they say on the weather channel.
And not in a “good way”

Does that sound “gentle and natural” to you?

I think this is what Bob Seger was warning us about in his song “Fire down below”

Castor oil is nature’s liquid plumber and it will unclog your drain pipes faster than you can yell…
“Are we out of damn toilet paper?”

And to make matters worse, the warning label on castor oil isn’t accurate or helpful either.

It has one warning: “Don’t take more than eight tablespoons of castor oil in a twenty four hour period. “

Good Lord you call that a warning!

That’s the equivalent of saying “Don’t play touch football while blindfolded on the interstate”

How about something helpful, like….
“Don’t take castor oil with ill prepared Mexican food or you may experience immediate results”

“Do not take castor oil before bedtime along with a sleeping aid or you may experience dreams of playing in a natural mud bath, which unfortunately will be an ugly reality upon awakening.”

Those kind of warnings are helpful.

I would write more, but I think I need to set down…



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One Response to Liquid Plumber

  1. The BamaPrincess on June 8, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    Oh . . . . what have you been drinking??? hahahahah

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