College Football News

May 23, 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen –

It’s time to catch up on the latest news from around the College Football World.
I have added a few extra segments for your viewing pleasure as well.

Why? Because I care



BOISE STATE: The latest news from Boise Idaho “Home of Famous Potatoes” is that the Broncos and their hideous Blue football field are on probation by the NCAA for the following:
“secondary violations, which were initially found by BSU’s compliance staff and self-reported to the NCAA, and stems from 63 incoming players receiving impermissible benefits that totaled just over $4,900. The benefits involved, the school stated in its official response to the NCAA inquiry, “impermissible housing, transportation or meals, where an incoming student-athlete was provided a place to sleep (often on a couch or floor), a car ride or was provided free food by an existing student-athlete.”
The “services” rendered ranged from $2.34 to $417.55.
All $4,934 has been reimbursed by the five dozen or so players involved.

EDITORS NOTES: O’ MY GOD! Almost $4,934 between 63 athletes!
That comes to OVER $78.00 PER athlete!
I recommend they all be taken out and shot at sunset by the NCAA that will send a message!

AUBURN: Accused Toomer Tree poisoner Harvey Updike will now be charged with 6 additional Federal charges to go along with the litany of state and local charges awaiting him for poisoning the beloved trees on Toomer’s Corner.
I know this is quite the “hot button” issue for Auburn fans.
So let me be sure I have this right.
You can kill a child or a baby in Auburn or even a college student and there isn’t any uproar or Federal Charges or cries of “Hang Him High!” But the same trees that were adorned with Toilet paper after Barak Obama’s 2008 election get poisoned and there are Federal Charges?

EDITORS NOTE: The sad part about all this is…..
I’m right

AUBURN PART II: Part of the brain trust of last year’s national championship Tiger’s team also known as the “Dumbass Four” have been indicted this past week by a Lee County Alabama Grand Jury for armed robbery.
The four Auburn players Antonio Goodwin, Shaun Kitchens, Mike McNeil and Dakota Mosley are due to be arraigned in Circuit Court on May 26th. All four players were immediately dismissed from the team by Coach Gene Chizik after Auburn Trustee Bobby Lowder called Coach Chizik and told him to dismiss them all from the team immediately.

EDITORS NOTE: What? No Federal Charges? Good thing they didn’t poison any trees.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Last week it was reported by the Los Angeles Times that Southern California Trojan Coach Lane Kiffin had his head removed from his posterior in a lengthy surgical procedure performed at Mount Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles.

Unfortunately the above story is incorrect.

The Doctor’s at Mount Sinai….
Removed a shoe from Coach Kiffin’s posterior believed to have belonged to Al Davis.
I hope this cleared up any misunderstanding.

SOUTH CAROLINA: As you may have read Coach Steve “Tough on Crime” Spurrier indefinitely suspended (for the fifth time) Gamecock quarterback Stephen “I ain’t got no drinking problem” Garcia for showing up at a University Life Skills class so drunk he couldn’t hit the ground with his hat.

EDITORS NOTE: Coach Steve if you keep letting these players back on the team after you “indefinitely suspend” them, then I am going to start calling you “Coach Steve Fulmer” and the University of South Carolina: The University of Tennessee at Columbia Campus.

Just so you know.

MICHIGAN: In an effort to rid the campus of bad memories and what has been described as “bad karma” the University of Michigan athletic department has petitioned for the removal of the “Skank-a-saurus” display from the University Anthropology Department.

This display was named for Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” and has remained a cornerstone on the campus since Coach Rich Rod’s arrival to Ann Arbor.

The head of the Anthropology Department Dr. Derek Dingus Ph.D had this to say about the issue: “I understand the athletic departments concerns and we will gladly comply with their wishes. Frankly we didn’t want the damn thing here in the first place. We only named the paleontology display after Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” after the athletic department asked us too. I am glad the whore and her idiot husband left town. She always smelled like a ten dollar hooker that wandered into a Huddle House at six o’clock in the morning.”

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t know how or why you are familiar with that particular smell Doctor, but eloquently and accurately put nonetheless.

OHIO STATE: Let me be sure I have this right…….
So the Head Coach knew his players were violating NCAA rules, right?
The players knew they were violating NCAA rules, right?
And everybody knows the violation of such rules makes them all ineligible, right?
Yet they don’t have to forfeit any wins?
Not even the Sugar Bowl Trophy or a share of the Big Ten Title?

EDITORS NOTE:I have NO idea why I think the NCAA enforcement committee is prejudice against the South.
Must just be my overactive imagination, you think?

NCAA: Recently a “mock” infractions and appeals board was held for the benefit of the new NCAA President Mark Emmert. After the daylong meeting, meant to explain the NCAA process of infractions, investigations and the appeals process to the new president, the president of the NCAA had this to say at the end of the conference.
“The process is so complicated and has so many layers; it was too confusing to understand”

EDITORS NOTE: Let me simplify this for you Mr President.
If you are a College that resides in the South, Southwest or to a lesser degree the Midwest, then you are automatically guilty. Those teams residing above the Ohio River or west of the Rocky Mountains are presumed innocent. Please see Ohio State above for a ready point of reference.

*Noted exceptions to the above rule governing the South are those individuals who can pay and or bargain their way out of an investigation i.e. Roy Kramer, Bobby Lowder and John “Thunder” Thornton and Fat Phil Fulmer.

MINNESOTA: With all the stories about college athletes selling memorabilia and autographs for tattoos and other athletes getting “indefinitely suspended” only to be brought back to the team time and time again, it’s refreshing to know there are other athletes out there who are working hard just to get an opportunity to play college football.

One such walk-on athlete is doing just that for the Golden Gophers this year.
His name is Curran Delany and he is a Marine.
I hope new Gopher Head Coach Jerry Kill will give Curran an opportunity to play.
He damn sure earned it.

RUTGERS: Breaking News!
The Scarlett Knight football program still isn’t important.

INDIANA: Please see the above message and substitute Hoosiers for Scarlett Knights.

THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE DEPARTMENT (DOJ): Although I view this term as an oxymoron in this particular instance I find myself coming to their defense.
Recently the Department of Justice (No Pun intended) held a hearing with the NCAA to determine “why there isn’t a college football playoff for Division I schools”.

Clearly the news media outlets have done a great injustice to the Department of Justice (No Pun intended). What do I mean by that statement?

The news outlets continue to report of crime and threats of terrorism (Can we still use that word anymore? Sorry), revolution and world turmoil and I am suppose to believe that with the world spinning off its axis the only thing the Department of Justice (No Pun intended) is interested in is a damn college football playoff?

Say it isn’t so?

After all that isn’t even their job, right?

I thought they were supposed to be catching “bad guys”.

So surely the news media outlets have to be wrong, right?

Because there already is a playoff system for Division I College Football, it’s called the regular season. The Oregon Ducks are traveling to Death Valley to take on the Mighty LSU Tigers to start the season. After The Oklahoma Sooners destroy Tulsa they are playing Florida State and after the Ohio State Buckeyes finish their “Beat every small college in Ohio” Tour they will eventually square off against the Hurricanes of Miami.
The season is supposed to be about playing out of conference opponents of substance and then winning your conference. Not playing a college known more for taxidermy than for offensive linemen and counting that as a “Big Win”.

So either the news media outlets are all wrong (Which is entirely possible) or we have a bunch of gibbering idiots running the Department of Justice (Which is also entirely possible).

In retrospect I would say it’s a tossup.


Much has been made by the national sports media of the statues of college football legends being erected on campus’s in the South. Let me make this real simple so maybe (just maybe) even the folks at Sports Illustrated will understand it.

At the University of Florida the bronze likenesses of Steve Spurrier, Danny Wuerffel and Tim Tebow will always be Legends of the Fall and there isn’t anything or anyone can say to change that. The memories of their accomplishments on and off the field will last for generations.

In Austin Texas there is only one Earl Christian Campbell and a bronze likeness of him is in Darrell Royal Memorial Stadium. No one will forget Earl, not now, not ever.

In Tallahassee a bronze statue of Seminole Coach Bobby Bowen stands outside the stadium pointing to the end zone, the retirement home or the restrooms, no one is quite sure.
But to Florida State fans everywhere there will always be love and admiration for Saint Bobby.

At the University of Alabama all of the Head Football Coaches who have coached one of the Thirteen National Championship teams are represented near the stadium with a statue. The latest addition is Coach Nick Saban who coached the 2009 National Championship team.
The players, the coaches, and the victories from those championships will be remembered forever.

On the campus of Auburn University the three Tiger Heisman trophy winners are all represented with newly erected statues outside Jordan-Hare Stadium. There is the great quarterback Pat Sullivan and the one and only Bo Jackson as well as a statue of recent Heisman trophy winner Cam Newton. However fans may see a difference in how these particular statues are configured. While the bronze statues of Pat Sullivan and Bo Jackson are bolted into the concrete foundation, the statue of Cam Newton is on wheels; at least until the NCAA investigation is completed.


My friends I understand and I feel your pain.
Conference Realignments are confusing and oftentimes disturbing.
Over the next several weeks up until the opening kickoff of the 2011 Season I will attempt to provide you (My Loyal readers) some insight and logic into this process.


Let us first take a look at what was the “Big Ten” with twelve teams……
There are more than ten teams in the “Big Ten” yet they still call themselves the “Big Ten”.

EDITORS NOTE: Please don’t be surprised if the lack of simple math skills displayed by the “Big Ten” conference administration doesn’t permeate throughout the various student bodies rendering our future leaders the inability to perform even the simplest additions and deductions.

This may explain where our current Government leaders came from.

The “Big Ten” then took another step……
Rather than naming their respective divisions within the conference “East or West” or “North or South”, which makes perfect sense, they decided to confuse the issue further by naming their divisions “Legends and Leaders”.

EDITORS NOTES: If your “Gay-Dar” went off when you read that you aren’t alone…..

“Legends and Leaders”, What the Hell does that mean?

How about Liars and Losers? That would have been more accurate, don’t you think?

In coming weeks we will discuss how Colorado is on the Pacific and Forth Worth Texas is really in the Big East. Confusing? You bet it is!
That is why I hope to have Rand McNally as a guest on the program to help break this all down for you, geographically speaking.


Coach’s Speak: College football coaches speak a different language that is oftentimes difficult to understand, particularly if you are not use to hearing it.
No need to worry, that’s why I am here.

In this brief segment I will interpret what Coach’s say and what they mean.

When a College Football Coach Says: “It is taking him a while to learn the system”

The Coach means: “That boy is dumber than a sack of horse turds”

When a College Football Coach Says: “We have the highest graduation rate in the conference”

The Coach means: “My ass is getting ready to be fired”

When a College Football Coach Says: “We do not have a disciple problem on this football team”

The Coach means: “I have one Hell of a disciple problem on this football team”

Where are they now?

For those Loyal Michigan Wolverine Fans who are missing good ole Coach Rich Rod, I want to assure you that he is doing just fine. Currently he is playing with his Hasbro Electric Football Game in his Mom’s basement and designing various plays while awaiting a call from what he described as “a big time school”. Good Luck Coach! And as a side note, I hope those hair plugs have finally blended in.

His wife “Rita Rod” and one time Ambassador for the University of Michigan Wolverines is scheduled to appear on the latest installment from VH1 entitled “Bret Michaels and the Rock of Skanks III”


I often read commentaries from “sports writers” on how passionate college football fans are in the South and specifically the Southeastern Conference Fans. They will occasionally make fun of our traditions and even our fans. While most of them have never attended a game outside of Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, yet they come off as “experts” in all things related to the South.

Now I will be the first to tell you that I have had a couple of closer encounters of the third kind in Neyland Stadium and I have had my issues with some fans and students within the Southeastern Conference but I have rarely (if ever) seen such “Sportsmanship” exhibited from fans of a second tier school in a third tier conference.

Watch at your own risk (or as much as you dare) and stay Classy Tucson……

EDITORS NOTE: As a safety tip for those fans that conduct yourselves in this manner…..
IF you act like this in Death Valley on a Saturday night, you just might find yourself in pot of Gumbo….

New Programs on A&E Fall of 2011

It’s time for a shameless plug for my favorite network….
There will be a plethora of new programs coming your way this fall on the A&E Network, other than my personal favorite “Dog the Bounty Hunter” (I love those guys)

“Columbus Ink” follows the hilarious high jinks of some fictional athletes in Columbus Ohio who sell autographs and various personal athletic memorabilia for a variety of tattoos and piercings all in an effort to look cool and hip. Managing all the while to stay one step ahead of the “Investigators”!

The NCAA calls the new program” witty and engaging” and “laugh out loud funny”.

In fact the new program has generated so much buzz and excitement there is already a “spin-off” program being developed. It’s rumored to be entitled “Liar Liar Pants on Fire” and this program follows the miss-steps and misadventures of the kooky fictional coach of the athletes in Columbus Ink.

He dresses like a librarian with little round glasses and even with his innocent looks he is constantly running around telling “little white lies” trying to keep his players out of trouble and keeping their kooky shenanigans away from the “Investigators”.
His catch phrase is (while shaking his index finger in the air)……
“You GUYS! What am I going to do with you?”

The Columbus Dispatch calls the rumored program “embarrassingly funny!”

EDITORS NOTE: The original movie produced by A&E “Take the Money and Run: The Cam Newton Story” will be seen later in the fall lineup, as they are awaiting the final report on the NCAA Investigation to provide what the network calls “a tragic ending”.

There will be much more in the coming weeks to include…..

An Exclusive Interview with last season’s Heisman Trophy winner and Carolina Panthers Number One Draft Pick Cam Newton.

Email Questions and Answers

Hootie Snitch gives his predictions on this season

You College Football Preseason Extravaganza
And Much More….
So Stay Tuned….



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2 Responses to College Football News

  1. Kaye on May 29, 2011 at 9:33 am

    WELCOME BACK. Only a few weeks left until the TIDE ROLLS AGAIN.

  2. The Bamaprincess on June 6, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    Love you pointing out the AU discrepancies and when the heck is someone going to reform the NCAA? Grrrr

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