Ladies and Gentlemen –
It’s that time of year again…….
When people will annoy the living hell of me by saying…..
This always elicits a response from me similar to this….
“Which Holiday is it? What’s that over there, is that a Holiday tree?”
I will tell you what “Holiday” it is….
Glad I could break it down for you……
And it’s also time for Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator’s
2010 College Football Awards…..
So set back and enjoy the year that was….
EMAIL LETTERS OF THE WEEK
Q: Mister Wizard I got me a question
I think I done finally met “The One” and Love hit me like a spark from a bad battery….
I ran into this woman at the Piggly Wiggly and she smelled…
Just like the inside of my Momma’s purse.
So I follow her and well…..
I didn’t have no money for a Christmas present and so what I done was….
I give her a mason jar that I done spit in as a gift….
Now maybe I got me the magnesia from that hit on the head I took last year from throwing softballs underneath a moving lawnmower…..
But last time I checked that was a dandy gift….
So here’s my question….
What should I get that gal and let her know that I got the betrothed for her?
“Fast Eddie” – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee
A: Eddie I take it from your eloquent description of love…..
That you are clearly a University of Tennessee Volunteer fan…..
With that being the case….
I would say you have picked out the perfect Christmas Gift…
The fact she has not returned your “affections” may be due to the fact she isn’t a Volunteer Fan, even if she did smell like “Your Momma’s Purse”
Q: Dear Sir –
This time of year can be so confusing; it’s hard to know what to believe in when it comes to religion.
Between Hanukkah and Christmas I hardly know what to say to people or what to believe in.
I feel kind of lost and was in hopes you could guide me through this…..
Tim – Conway, Arkansas
A: Tim, this time of year can be tough…..
But you came to the right place….
I have found there are three basic truths when it comes to religion.
One….Jewish people don’t recognize Jesus as the messiah
Two…Protestants don’t recognize the Pope as a deity….
Three……..Baptist don’t recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters…
Q: Hey Mister Wizard –
What ever happened to the regular Bowl games without all the sponsorships?
When is it going to end?
What’s next? The X-Lax Bowl sponsored by Charmin Bathroom Tissue?
Nick – Platte City, Missouri
A: Unfortunately Nick……
That particular “Bowl” game is scheduled to be played next year in Sioux City Iowa….
2010 CFB WIZARD COLLEGE FOOTBALL AWARDS
CHRISTMAS SAFETY TIP
This Christmas season it’s important for parents in the East Tennessee area, to be extremely careful when allowing their children to “visit” Santa at the local shopping mall.
It has been reported that Fat Phil Fulmer has been seen disguised as Saint Nick in an effort to devour unsuspecting children before he goes into hibernation on 30 December.
If you are unsure as to the real identity of your shopping mall Santa, here are the clues to assist you to determine if Fat Phil has infiltrated Santa’s Workshop.
If the “Santa” is over 700 pounds and smells like Krispy Crème Donuts….
If the “Santa” begins to salivate like an attack dog at the sight of a plump child…
If “Santa” is wearing a glow in the dark orange outfit as opposed to the traditional crimson outfit
Then call the authorities immediately……
Or the local Zoo, they are familiar with tranquilizing large animals….
BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT FROM CRAIGS LIST
Email Found on Craiglist under Unique Christmas Gift Ideas:
“For sale: One brand new, unused 2010 Heisman Trophy.
Please contact the Right Rev. Newton.
No NCAA inquiries please.”
BEST TEAM NOT in the BCS CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
The award this year is a tie between…..
The Wisconsin Badgers and the Texas Christian Horned Frogs
Either one or both of these teams are worthy of a “real” shot at the National Championship and if you don’t think so; then by all means schedule a game with them next year.
BEST DISPLAY of UNBRIDLED ADULATION
The CBS College Football commentating crew of Vern “Cammy Cam Juice” Lundquest and Gary “I Heart Cammy” Danielson and Tracy “I have an unsightly mole on my upper lip” Wolfson won this award for their undying love and devotion of all things related to Auburn quarterback Cam Newton.
I haven’t seen that much suckling since I bought a trailer full of new calves.
BEST LITTLE RICHARD IMITATION
Again a member of the CBS College Football crew takes home the prize…..
This time from the CBS College Football Studio..
Spencer Tillman not only wears more makeup than Little Richard….
He sounds even gayer…
Congratulations, I think
BEST PLAYER MONEY COULD BUY
This award is also known as the Reggie Bush Award…..
The winner in a landslide is Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton….
UGLIEST CHEERLEADER AWARD
This Award does not go to the ugliest Cheerleader Uniforms as was though last year by some readers. This Award is for the actual “ugliest” cheerleaders themselves.
And the Winner is….
The Michigan Wolverine Cheerleaders….
With the help of Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” the Wolverine Cheerleaders adopted rather whorish Maze and Blue eye shadow and eight inch clear plastic stripper shoes.
The fact that most of those girls could eat corn on the cob through a tennis rack only added to their already impressive lead over second place Notre Dame.
The other piece of good news related to this award…..
Rita Rod and the Michigan Wolverine Cheerleaders are slated to be on VH1 in the Spring
on “Bret Michaels Rock of Love VII: The Collection of Skanks”
The Head Coach of the Maryland Terrapins takes home the Award this year…
Although Coach Ralph Friedgen isn’t as big as Wynonna Judd, it is important to note that she is not a college football coach and therefore is not eligible for this award.
BEST IMITATION OF A COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACH
Although the “mighty” Southern California Trojans are ineligible for a Bowl game this season due to the Reggie Bush saga, they none the less take home an award this year as “coach” Lame Kitten continues his hilarious and often times childish imitation of a “real” college football coach.
My favorite part is when his Daddy dresses him for each game, priceless.
JACQUE COUSTEAU AWARD
This Award is given out to the College Football “commentator” who clearly has a snorkel in his or her butt because they seemingly can’t seem to shut the hell up during an entire game.
The winner this year in a close contest…..
ABC Sports Brent Musburger who was followed closely by ESPN’s extremely homely Pam Ward. Both of which are deserving of the award, but it was rumored during one Big Ten telecast that Pam Ward actually paused during a play and that was the difference in the voting. Yes, it was that close.
EDITORS NOTE: Or as they used to say in the country…..
Both of these people are as windy as a bag full of buttholes
THE NEBULOUS FACTS AWARD
This Award wasn’t even close…..
The CBS College Football telecast continues to stun and amaze with such “facts” as:
Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton LOVES Ice Cream……
Every Time the LSU Tigers walk on to the field leading with their left foot, they score first and when they don’t they score second.
Arkansas Quarterback Ryan Mallet is over six feet five inches tall, which is taller than any cast member in the Wizard of Oz.
The University if Kentucky plays their home games in Lexington, which was also the name of an aircraft carrier during World War II
The Georgia Bulldogs have a “G” on the side of their helmets which also happens to be the first letter in “Georgia”
Steve Spurrier used to coach the Florida Gators and now he coach’s the South Carolina Gamecocks and they are two different teams.
Mississippi State is known for their cowbells which are used for cows and also for locating Vern Lundquest when he is liquored up and wanders away from his motel room.
The Tennessee Volunteers are called the Volunteers because Tennessee is the Volunteer state, which is different than the Show Me State which is Missouri.
Congratulations you bunch of irritating AFLAC Duck loving idiots….
UGLIEST UNIFORM AWARD
The clear winner of this award is….
The butt ugly Oregon Duck Uniforms….
I am convinced somebody on heroin designed this combination of glow in the dark nightmares that forces the viewer at home to wear sunglasses while watching television.
UGLIEST FOOTBALL FIELD
The Boise State Bronco’s and their horribly disgusting “Blue” football field takes the award this year, last year and more than likely next year as well.
I’m color blinded and it gives me a damn headache, I can only imagine the insanity it causes the rest of you during telecast.
Those are your awards this year…..
Congratulations to all the winners…
Your Bowl prognostications are a day away…..
So Stay Tuned, there is a lot more on the way this Christmas…
THE CFB WIZARD