Ladies and Gentlemen –
Nothing says “Thanksgiving” quite like a long weekend filled with hate and discontent.
This year there is plenty of both to go around
On the menu this year….
We will have a Turkey Day Classic and a Lone Star Showdown
A Backyard Brawl, a Border War and a Bedlam Game
There will be Battles over Old Oaken Buckets, Bourbon Barrels and Victory Bells
We will have tussles for Golden Boots, Beehive Boots and Jeweled Shillelagh’s
There will be a Battle in the Palmetto State…..
and a Sunshine Showdown and a tug of war over a Commonwealth Cup
In the Superdome we have the Bayou Classic with a Battle of the Bands
There is the Egg Bowl and a little something I like to call…
The Michigan – Ohio State game
Floyd of Rosedale is on the desert menu as is the Land Grant Trophy
Topped off with an unhealthy dose of Clean Old Fashioned Hate
And there is…..
The Iron Bowl…..
My stomach is churning already….
Enjoy Your Picks…
PRE-GAME WARM UP
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 41 and 10 or 81% last week..
I know that is no consolation to the Husker Nation…..
But if it helps, I didn’t see that one coming either..
This leaves me at 545 and 130 or holding steady at 81% for the season.
EMAIL LETTERS OF THE WEEK
Q: Welcome to Candy Land!
I always like to open my letters with something out of the ordinary!
I have an unusual question Mister Wizard and I hope you can answer it!
This is rivalry week and my team THE Michigan Wolverines are playing “You know who”
in “You know where” and so my question is simply this:
Is it possible that Michigan’s Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita” could ugly the Wolverines to victory?
By that I mean is it possible that Rita could (through her unusual and over the top whorish attire and behavior) distract the team from “you know where” enough that they could possibly lose the game?
Thank you and don’t forget to tip your waitress!
(I always like to end my letters with something different too!)
GO WOLVERINES!
Tommy – Ann Arbor, Michigan
A: Tommy while you are waiting for the game with “you know who”..
May I suggest some reading to take your mind off the upcoming game….
”50 Signs of Mental Illness: A Guide to Understanding Mental Health” by James Whitney Hicks
Q: Mister Wizard as you know….
It’s time for the Lone Star Showdown….
I have a sinking sickening feeling the damn Aggies are going to take this one from us…
And I don’t know if I can take it, because you see…
I work with a bunch of those Aggie knuckleheads (And I am being nice here)
The only thing more irritating than working with them is my damn mother-in-law
and her “pet” Shih Tzu “Gatlin” who she named after the Gatlin Brothers.
She saw them one damn time in Branson Missouri….
and she thinks they are the greatest thing since Pearl Beer.
And you guessed it…
Her and that excuse for a dog are coming to my house for Thanksgiving.
God help me if she makes her “famous” casserole…
It smells like something that’s already been eaten, if you catch my meaning.
So what do you think Mr. Wizard?
Do the Horns have a shot at winning or should I start drinking now?
Clayton – San Marcos, Texas
A: My Friend…
The Longhorns have a real chance…..
But just in case keep the liquor within arm’s reach…
Q: Dear Sir –
My colleagues and I are not amused with your country witticisms concerning the Ivy league and we were most disturbed to read your easy dismissal and subsequent slight of the legendary Harvard – Yale game last week. If you knew anything about real college football you would know the wonderful history and beautiful pageantry surrounding this magnificent rivalry in the Ivy League.
We have won a few national championships ourselves you know?
Reginald – Cambridge, Massachusetts
A: Let me break it down for you “Barney Style” Reginald and maybe you will understand…
The mere fact you didn’t capitalize “National Championship” proves you don’t know anything about college football and the fact is, The Ivy League hasn’t won anything of importance since the Spanish American War.
And as a side note, your Marching Bands suck almost as bad as your football teams.
DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON
“When you live in Alabama, you got to choose sides…
You is either for Alabama or Auburn…
Some of us is born into the rivalry, but we is all in it and you carry it all your life.
And everybody’s got to make a choice between the two teams, even if you just move here.
That’s how it is…
It’s us against them….
The one thing we both have in common is….
we got no respect for folks that live down here and say they don’t care who wins the Iron Bowl….
You might as well say you don’t believe in Jesus, Christmas and Bear Bryant…
The Lord don’t respect fence riders and neither do we”
IRON BOWL COMMENTARY
The voice of College Football…..
The Great Keith Jackson said this of the Iron Bowl…
“There are rivalries and there are rivalries and then there is Alabama and Auburn”
This game takes on a life of its own and permeates every facet of living in Alabama
I remember a time not that long ago…
When children had to set on opposite sides of the school bus during the week of the game
One side marked with a War Eagle and the other side with an Elephant…
And yes, you had to pick a side.
I remember a young preacher in a church I attended as a boy….
Who said a week before the Iron Bowl….
“He didn’t understand what all the fuss was about”
He was gone before Christmas…..
When I was considerably younger I lived for a time next door to a wonderful family who happened to have a number of boys in their family and they were all Auburn Tiger fans.
Iron Bowl week doesn’t go by that I don’t remember a backyard football game behind their house.
Pat Sullivan was on his way to winning a Heisman trophy for the Auburn Tigers
and his favorite target was the great Terry Beasley.
Since most of the boys were older than me, they would run circles around me.
It was terribly frustrating for a scrawny little kid like me…
Then the oldest boy named Phil said those words…..
After he tossed a beautiful pass over my head and outstretched arms to his brother…
“Sullivan to Beasley, Touchdown Tigers!”
That was when the fight started….
I was quickly overwhelmed but I couldn’t let that slight go unanswered…
In what seemed like an eternity my savior arrived in the form of Mrs. Gargis, the boy’s mother.
She pulled those boys off me with the expertise of a college referee…
She wiped my tears and cleaned up my bloody nose and feed us all lunch.
She could mend hard feelings and hurt pride like nobody else could..
I loved that woman…
A few years later Phil went on to be a starting quarterback at Auburn and his son is a great quarterback as well and I suspect he will be starting for the Tigers in the near future.
Marriages and businesses have and will be dissolved over the results of this game…
There have been friendships shattered…..
and hard feelings shared that will last a lifetime over this one single game.
These many years later….
I am glad I still have my Auburn friends and my Auburn Veterinarian buddies…
But just for the record…
I hope you all get your collective asses kicked this Friday.
RTR
MEB
THE PICKS
Thursday November 25th
Tuskegee at Alabama State
There is nothing like starting the day with the “Turkey Day Classic”
Didn’t Lionel Richie and the Commodores go to Tuskegee?
That’s good enough for me…
BRICK HOUSE TIGERS 24-21
Texas A&M at Texas
This is The Lone Star Showdown and there is nothing bigger in the State of Texas
It’s in Austin…..
The Aggies are on a roll….
The Longhorns are down….
I have a feeling; I just hope it’s not gas…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 28-21
Friday November 26th
Louisville at Rutgers
I have a hint for you in this one…
The Cardinal’s are stronger than the State school of New Jersey…
STRONGER CARDINAL’S 24-17
West Virginia at Pittsburgh
This rivalry is known as the “Backyard Brawl”
Don’t leave your seat until the final whistle blows….
Then Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-24
Ohio at Kent State
This Battle in the Buckeye State is called….
“Nobody is Watching us Because Ohio State is playing Michigan”
The acronym is far too confusing to describe for you here
BOBCATS 33-17
Buffalo at Akron
If you are wondering why this game is included in this week’s Picks
During such a hotly contested rivalry weekend…
It’s known as “Filler”
ZIPPERS 34-14
Central Michigan at Toledo
I wonder if Ponch and Jon on CHIPS every just said “Chippewa’s”
It makes perfect sense to me..
ROCKET MEN 33-17
Southern Methodist at East Carolina
I know what time it is…
It’s Mustang Time…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34
Auburn at Alabama
This is the Iron Bowl……
It’s Oil and Water…..
It’s Cowboys and Indians …
It’s Democrats and Republicans…
It’s the Jewish people and Muslims…
It’s us against them….
It’s a War of Culture and Climate…
It’s Family against Family….
Except it’s worse….
Way Worse…
CRIMSON TIDE 34-31
Colorado at Nebraska
I doubt I will be conscience to watch this game…..
But this game belongs to the angry (and rightfully so)
(Col. J this one is for you…)
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 38-17
UCLA at Arizona
I wish I cared……
I really do…
But let’s be honest…
This game decides who will get the first shot at the….
“Mister Peanuts Bowl” Sponsored by the Peanut Growers of the South
BRUINS 24-17
Southern Miss at Tulsa
There is only one way to go with this pick….
This is for my Southern Miss Family…
GOLDEN EAGLES 38-34
Arizona at Oregon
I would love to watch this game….
I really would…
But I plan on either being happy as hell or too despondent to talk at this point in the day
QUACK ATTACK 106-17
Boise State at Nevada
Remember you read it here first….
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!
PACK OF WOLVES 41-38
Saturday November 27th
Michigan at Ohio State
This rivalry is known simply as “The Game”
It represents “hate” in its purest form…
This one is for the Great Jack Tatum….
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 28-14
Central Florida at Memphis
Elvis has most definitely left the building….
(And not that it’s all that import here…
But I do a phenomenal Elvis impression…)
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 43-10
Tulane at Marshall
I have three words for you…..
WE ARE MARSHALL 34-17
Indiana at Purdue
This Big Ten rivalry is played each year for…
“The Old Oaken Bucket”
As opposed to the “New Wood-like Prefabricated Plastic Bucket”
It simply doesn’t roll off the tongue..
HOO’S YOUR DADDY? 33-31
Boston College at Syracuse
If you have waited all year for this game….
And you arrange your Thanksgiving around the opening kickoff….
Then you have to be a basketball fan…
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 28-24
Cincinnati at Connecticut
This game used to be something to watch…
But it has gone to the dogs…
HUSKIES 33-20
North Alabama at Delta State
The Second Round of the Division II Playoffs….
Everybody knows I love the Fighting Okra….
But Saturday they get fried…
MIGHTY LIONS 38-28
Kentucky at Tennessee
This fierce border rivalry is played each year for the “Bourbon Barrel”
Which on the surface is something I can certainly support…
It’s Tennessee and Kentucky…
(Cue the banjo music)
VOWELS 31-24
Missouri at Kansas
This game is a Border War of Biblical proportions….
It has been a “war” since before Kansas was a state….
It’s played for the “Indian War Drum” and the “Lamar Hunt Trophy”
But this game isn’t about trophy’s…
It’s about “us” versus “them”
I’m a Jesse James and Cole Younger man…
MO’S TIGERS 31-21
Grambling State at Southern University
This game is “The Bayou Classic” and there is truth in advertising here
Not only is it a classic match-up between too outstanding teams…
The battle of the bands is not to be missed….
And as a side note…
I still miss seeing Coach Rob on the Tiger sidelines…
ROB’S TIGERS 33-17
Hawaii at New Mexico State
I hate to think of Pistol Pete being undone by a guy in a grass skirt…
It hurts my feelings…
WARRIORS in grass skirts dancing across RAINBOWS 28-24
Bloomsburg at Mercyhurst
Another Game of the Second Round of the Division II Playoffs
These boys can play some football
MERCY ME 38-34
LSU at Arkansas
This Border War is simply titled….
The Battle for the Golden Boot
In simple terms….
The respective alumni, fans and teams hate each other intensely
This one could easily go either way…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-31
Brigham Young at Utah
This instate rivalry is played for the “Beehive Boot”
I can’t imagine why anyone would want to wear a boot full of bees…
What’s next a “Hat Full of Wasp’s”?
Doesn’t make sense to me…
TWO UTES with a Boot full of Bees 31-28
Washington at California
This one is fairly simple to predict….
California Sucks…
I hope that made it easy for you…
HUSKIES 33-17
Grand Valley at Augusta
This is another Game of the Second Round of the Division II Playoffs
And not that it’s all that important here….
But I just saw a commercial with Dolly Parton….
GRAND VALLEY 34-24
EDITORS NOTE: Before you ask….
Yes I am that easily influenced…
Abilene Christian at Central Missouri
Another Game of the Second Round of the Division II Playoffs and it’s a good one..
I have upset on my mind in this one….
MO’s MULES 28-24
Kansas State at North Texas
Todd Dodge’s Son with the Mean Green is certainly the real deal….
But unfortunately the rest of the team is too green and not too mean..
WILDCATS 43-17
Texas Christian at New Mexico
The Lobos have but one chance to win this game….
Pray that the Horned Frogs get delayed on their flight through an extensive pat-down policy
And subsequently miss the game.
Yeah, that’s their only shot at victory here
MIGHTY HORNED FROGS 53-0
Mississippi State at Ole Miss
This instate rivalry is known as “The Egg Bowl”
It is chocked full of hate, discontent, hard feelings, and fights…
And it lasts all year long….
BULLY DOGS 31-24
Oregon State at Stanford
I know, I know……
I doubted the Power of the Beaver last week….
I should have known better
This will be close
CARDINAL 31-28
Wake Forest at Vanderbilt
A bunch of smart kids take to the field in Music City…
Yippee
DEMON DEACONS 28-17
Georgia Tech at Georgia
Since 1893 these two instate rivals have played the game called….
“Clean Old Fashioned Hate” for the Governors Cup….
There is nothing clean or old fashioned about it, but there is enough “hate” to last all year
And as a historical side note….
This game was first played the year Bobby Bowden was born..
Coincidence?
SIC EM DAWGS 31-28
Houston at Texas Tech
The winner of this game has first dibs on the “Preparation H Bowl”
Both of them are itching to win…
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 38-24
Oklahoma at Oklahoma State
The Bedlam Game….
The name says it all…..
The winner takes home the Bedlam Bell and more importantly
Bragging Rights…
COWBOY UP! 38-34
Notre Dame at Southern California
This old college football rivalry is played for the “Jeweled Shillelagh”
Thankfully they changed the name to its present title….
As it was once known as the “Jock Itch Shillelagh” after a particularly nasty outbreak
in the respective locker rooms that each team subsequently blamed on each other.
Isn’t history fun?
LAME CHEATERS 6-3
South Florida at Miami
I have on good authority that the winner of this game….
Has a shot at the “Sweet Potato Bowl” in Yazoo City Mississippi
How sweet is that?
HURRICANES 33-17
North Carolina at Duke
This instate rivalry is played each and every year for the “Victory Bell”
And if my calculations are correct…
It will stay with the Heels until Hell Freezes over…
HEELS of TAR 34-31
Michigan State at Penn State
This game is called….
“The Battle of the Land Grants” and it’s played for the “Land Grant Trophy”
And this game is very important to Joe Pa….
Because he can remember when both states were just territories…
SPARTANS 34-33
North Carolina State at Maryland
This game isn’t a rivalry per say….
But it will be a slobber knocker none the less..
PACK OF WOLVES 34-17
Iowa at Minnesota
This Big Ten game is played for “The Floyd of Rosedale”
I have been informed that “Floyd” is a “pig”
Which I personally think is hurtful to talk about Floyd like that….
Everybody knows he has a thyroid problem…
EYES of the HAWK 28-17
South Carolina at Clemson
In the Palmetto State….
There is nothing bigger……
It’s called “The Battle of the Palmetto State”
It’s played for the “Hardee’s Trophy”
Which looks suspiciously like a Triple Patty Melt from Hardee’s
STEVE’S GAMECOCKS 33-28
Virginia at Virginia Tech
The Battle for the Commonwealth of Virginia
Played for the coveted Commonwealth Cup….
It’s Thanksgiving and that means Turkey…
FIGHTN’ TURKEYS 28-17
Florida at Florida State
It’s time for the Sunshine Showdown in the Great State of Florida…
This has all the hate and bitterness of any other instate rivalry…
And it’s about to get worse…
JIMBO’S NOLES 28-24
Northwestern at Wisconsin
You guessed it…
Another “rivalry” game in the Big Ten…..
This game is played for the “Gus Polinski Polka King Accordion”
And on an unrelated side note…
Polka music makes my head want to pop off…
THE POWER OF CHEESE WHIZ 38-17
Happy Thanksgiving to you all…..
Enjoy Your Games
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD