Ladies and Gentlemen –
Halloween is over and I hope that none of my beloved readers lost a loved one this year to the insatiable appetite of Fat Phil Fulmer when he emerged from the pumpkin patch.
But there were far too many “Tricks” and not enough “Treats” to suit me this year.
This coupled with the “signs” of the coming apocalypse made Halloween all too disturbing.
What do I mean and what are the signs of the end of the world you may ask?
The signs are all around us…..
Texas loses to Baylor….
(O’ the Humanity!)
Notre Dame loses to Tulsa and STILL has a television contract…
(How is that even possible?)
Syracuse continues to win…
(Despite my best efforts of picking against them)
West Virginia..
(Please see Texas above and substitute “Baylor” with Syracuse and Connecticut)
The Miami Hurricanes lose to Virginia….
The Navy Midshipmen lose to the Duke Blue Devils
EDITORS NOTE: Clearly Satan’s hand was at work in this game…
Is it a coincidence that “Blue Devils” beat the Midshipmen?
I think not…
And certainly the most obvious sign of the end of the age….
The Oregon Ducks are Ranked Number One….
I rest my case….
Enjoy Your Picks…
PRE-GAME WARM UP
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was “Tricked” on Halloween…
(I admit it…)
I was a dismal 41 and 15 or 73% on Halloween weekend…
That leaves us at 413 and 97 for the season or 81% after nine weeks of college football.
Have no fear my beloved readers, this setback will not deter me
In the words of that immortal 20th Century philosopher M.C. Hammer….
“I’m 2 Legit to Quit…”
EMAIL LETTER OF THE WEEK
Q: Dear Mister Smartass –
We have been a reading what you write about Coach Phil Fulmer!
He only happens to be the greatest damn football coach to ever wear orange!
If I was you un’s I would watch my self.
I understand Phil Fulmer is six foot five and seven hundred and forty two pounds and he is ALL man!
Hope you enjoyed your little laugh cause Coach Phil is going to catch up with you mister!
Then you are done for!
Danny “Possum Face” Rogers – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee
A: Danny…..
Fat Phil Fulmer couldn’t catch me if they strapped his fat ass to a Saturn 5 rocket.
HOOTIE SNITCH UPDATE
As was reported last week…
The self proclaimed number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the planet Hootie Snitch..
Was scheduled to provide you readers with an update this week on his “celebrity golf tournament” in Baneberry Tennessee to “help his momma with the hoof and mouth disease” and provide commentary on the Tennessee Volunteer football program.
Unfortunately Hootie is atop the Baneberry water tower and has vowed “not to come down until the Volunteers win a conference game.”
However, I suspect his “Water Tower Vow” has less to do with the Volunteers lackluster season than it does with Mrs Hootie Snitch (the former Miss Thelma Stroderback) being rather upset with Mr. Snitch.
I say that because….
Hootie has stated that Miss Thelma can empty a bar “when she is a having the PMS….”
DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON
“I don’t understand these folks that run the college football on television….
Why do they think it takes ten damn people talking fo’ three hours about a game we already know about?
It don’t make no difference if they was a coach or player or a water boy, we already know who is playing and what’s at stake in the game.
That’s why we is fans, which they don’t seem to understand…..
Them people give me a damn headache just listening to them go on and on and back and forth.
And they have some people calling the games on television…
They don’t know nothing about college football, its traditions or the history of the games and mispronounce the player’s names during the whole damn game.
I even seen a couple of women calling them games….
It’s bad enough they don’t know nothing about the game….
But they is ugly as a shaved rat too….
I tell you it’s damn shame is what it is….”
EDITORS NOTE: Wise words my friend….Wise words.
THE PICKS
Thursday November 4th
Buffalo at Ohio
I’m not sure why an NFL team is playing Ohio University….
Never mind…
It’s the Buffalo Bills, now that makes sense..
FRANKS BOBCATS 33-17
Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech
This game will be played Thursday Night….
Enter the Sandman….
HOKEY POKEY 24-21
Friday November 5th
Western Michigan at Central Michigan
This instate rivalry is played for the….
“CMU-WMU Rivalry Trophy”
How inventive…
CHIPPEWAS’ 31-28
Central Florida at Houston
The Cougars post season hopes dim as their injury list grows….
Sad, but true…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 34-21
Saturday November 6th
Virginia at Duke
Fans across the Atlantic Coast Conference have waited for this clash of the titans all year..
Not really, I was just trying to hype a game that nobody really cares about …
CAVALIERS 24-21
Air Force at Army
This game may very well decide who wins the “Commander in Chief’s Trophy”
Now…
If we only had a “Commander in Chief” to award the trophy
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-24
Dickenson at Juniata
Miss Emily Dickenson better be ready for a tussle on Saturday….
Because Juanita just got a new pair of pink “Baby Girl” sweat pants from K-Mart..
She is almost unbeatable in those things….
J-LO DOWN 34-14
Florida at Vanderbilt
The Commodores get shipped on by the Mighty Gators in Music City
In case you were wondering….
I thought that one up myself.
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17
Davidson at Marist
I don’t know much about David’s Son but that Marist is a real Fox
RED FOX 24-20
Louisville at Syracuse
I can’t believe I am writing this…..
OTTO the ORANGE 28-24
Baylor at Oklahoma State
Can you hear that?
It’s the Prairie Wind touching the boys from Wacko in the mean place….
COWBOY UP! 33-24
Idaho State at Georgia
Famous Potatoes gets mashed between the hedges….
And that’s a fact
DAWGS 38-10
Charleston Southern at Kentucky
The Buccaneers gets the crap bucked out of them in the Bluegrass…
JOKERS CATS 43-10
Ursinus at Muhlenberg
I like the Big German Girl in this one….
She looks a lot like the Swiss Miss Girl…
On Steroids
HELGA 31-17
Chattanooga at Auburn
This game is going to be uglier than a party at Charlie Sheen’s House
Minus the cocaine, hookers, midget clowns etc.
WAR DAMN EAGLE 121-3
Akron at Ball State
I wanted to see this game…
But my “Best of Zamfir Pan Flute” CD is supposed to arrive….
ZIPPERS 33-28
UNLV at Brigham Young
I wonder if there was ever a guy named Brigham “Old” …..
Just wondering….
COUGARS 43-10
Rice at Tulsa
I think the most appropriate comment about this game…
Comes once again from that wisest of all modern urban philosophers
M.C. Hammer, when he said and I quote…
“You can’t touch this..”
GOLDEN HURRICANES 28-21
EDITORS NOTE: That song is stuck in your head now and I am truly sorry…
Temple at Kent State
Saturday is supposed to be a perfect day for football…..
Or in the words of Billy Idol….
“It’s a Nice day for a White Wedding..”
FLASHES of GOLD 28-24
EDITORS NOTE: Not really sure what that is supposed to mean…
I purposely used this song to replace the rather annoying song I placed in your heads earlier.
No need to thank me…
Susquehanna at Worchester Tech
I had no idea the Worchester Sauce people had their own college….
Did you?
SUSIE Q 33-10
Colorado at Kansas
I had every intention of watching this game…
But QVC is having an hour long special on “Ant Farms for Fun and Profit”
BUFFALOS 24-21
Appalachian State at Georgia Southern
The Eagles will get the Statesboro Blues when the Mountaineers roll into town
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17
New Mexico State at Utah State
There will be a lot of Aggies in this one….
But only one Pistol Pete
PISTOL PETE 34-28
Hawaii at Boise State
The national sports media is touting this game as a “Clash for the Championship”
In reality….
It’s neither….
BRONCOS 92-88
Navy at East Carolina
The United States Navy knows how to deal with Pirates….
Or at least they should…
MIDSHIPMEN 34-31
Nebraska at Iowa State
The Husker Nation is on the road to the Big 12 Championship game….
This game will not be a detour…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 43-24
Texas Christian at Utah
I have on good authority that Chuck Norris lives in Fort Worth
That being said….
Those two Utes better run like hell before they get a roundhouse kick to the head!
HORNED FROGS 33-24
Southern Miss at Tulane
This Southern Rivalry is called the “Battle for the Bell”
It’s played every year for “The Bell”
And “The Bell” will stay in Hattiesburg until hell freezes over…
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-10
James Madison at Richmond
I like the James Madison team and I will tell you why…
Any college that names their team after John Wayne is alright by me…
DUKES 24-20
Alabama at LSU
There is nothing like playing a game in Death Valley…
It’s what the Christians must have felt like in the Roman coliseum
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21
Lenoir-Rhyne at Carson Newman
I can’t believe they spelled this incorrectly in the scheduling guide.
It’s supposed to be…
“Lee Ann Rimes”…..
But as a side note…
Why she is playing college football continues to baffle me…
SPARKS EAGLES 38-24
Boston College at Wake Forest
Two things you can count on in this game…
It’s going to be close…
And the Demon Deacon mascot will scare children and make them cry
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 24-21
Marshall at UAB
It pains me to write this…..
It really does….
BLAZERS 38-24
Nevada at Idaho
It’s funny how some words have different meanings….
For example:
You might pronounce that name “Ida-Ho”……
People in Obknoxville say….
“Ho-Down”…..
WOLFPACK 44-24
Wyoming at New Mexico
I would rather see Whoopi Goldberg naked than watch this game…
No, that’s a lie….
On the threat of torture and death I wouldn’t want to see that….
LOW BLOWS 24-17
U La La at Ole Miss
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt, sometimes you don’t
This week….I do…
FOAM RUBBER REBEL BEARS 43-17
Oregon State at UCLA
There is no doubt about it…
I believe in the Power of the Beaver…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 31-24
Oklahoma at Texas A&M
Honestly, I’m too nauseous over my Whoopi Goldberg comment to say something funny here.
I’ve already thrown up twice….
BOOMER SOONERS 38-34
West Alabama at North Alabama
This instate battle in Alabama is played for something more than a trophy or a catchy name.
It’s pride and bragging rights and that says it all.
MIGHTY LIONS 38-10
Arkansas at South Carolina
The Hogs will keep this one close……
Don’t be surprised if Coach Steve doesn’t lose his visor over this one…
GAMECOCKS 31-28
Troy at North Texas
I love the fine folks in Denton…
But why did they have to name their team after a kitchen cleanser?
MEN OF TROY 28-24
Missouri at Texas Tech
MO knows how to get his guns up….
After all, it is the Home of the James and Younger Boys…
Enough said..
MO’S TIGERS 34-17
Texas at Kansas State
I am going to say what we are all thinking..
Notable exception to this would be Oklahoma and Texas A&M fans…
“Damn it Texas, Come ON!”
Now that I have that out of my system..
LONGHORNS 24-17
Tennessee at Memphis
It’s that time of the year in Volunteer country….
When the Big Orange faithful don their finest wife beaters..
And drive their homes across the state to the land of Elvis…
It’s considered to be a pilgrimage if they tour Graceland…
VOWELS 38-17
Southern Methodist at UTEP
This game promises to be a shoot out….
But I have faith in Coach June’s Boys…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34
Colorado State at San Diego State
I would rather watch..
Hillary Clinton play “strip” Twister with Rosie O’Donnell than watch this game
Sorry I made myself throw up again with that one…
RAM TOUGH 33-31
Arizona State at Southern California
I would watch this game….
But Mike Tyson is going to be on “celebrity” Jeopardy
I bet before the first commercial break he bites Alex Trebek’s ear off….
LAME CHEATERS 6-3
Minnesota at Michigan State
This semi-ancient Big Ten Rivalry is played for the “Bucket of Lard”
And in case you were wondering….
Phil Fulmer is the poster child for the Lard Council who sponsors this event.
SPARTANS 43-10
Iowa at Indiana
Another Big Ten game and yet another rivalry trophy…
This game is played each year for the “Sombrero of Bacon”
It may sound tasty to some of you…
But I have on good authority it starts smelling a little gamey by April
EYES of the HAWK 34-17
North Carolina at Florida State
I still miss seeing Coach Bobby on the sidelines….
Wandering around aimlessly in his Vietcong hat, wielding goggles..
And wearing pants with a fifty six inch zipper.
Ahhhhhh Good times.
TAR HEELS 28-24
Virginia at Duke
This game is going to be so boring I listed it twice….
CAVALIERS 24-21
Northwestern at Penn State
Many of you have asked me this year….
After all the years of Coaching in Happy Valley….
What does Joe Pa wear to Lion games for “Good Luck”
The answer is:
Depends
JOE PA’S LIONS 24-21
Arizona at Stanford
I have a philosophical question that is unrelated to this game
If you can purchase a variety of “combination” items from the grocery store
Such as a combination “Mayo and Tuna” package, presumably because they go together.
Then why isn’t there a “Toilet paper and Ex-Lax” combination pack?
I’m just asking…
CARDINAL 34-17
Maryland at Miami
Last week the Hurricanes couldn’t generate enough wind to qualify as a popcorn fart…
That won’t happen this week…
HURRICANES 34-24
Illinois at Michigan
For those folks visiting Ann Arbor this weekend I want to provide a brief safety tip for you
Under NO circumstances should you ask Coach Rod’s wife Rita..
“What would you do for a Klondike Bar?”
If her answers were not horribly disgusting enough, she felt obligated to act them out…
Frankly what she did with that Sock Money was a crime…
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-31
Wisconsin at Purdue
Behold the Power of Processed Cheese by Products
BADGERS 34-13
Washington at Oregon
I had no idea The History Channel was going to have a three hour special on..
“The History of Macaroni Art” or I would watch this game….
QUACKERS 101-10
North Carolina State at Clemson
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
My Tiger family….
You must believe…
DABOS TIGERS 28-24
California at Washington State
The “announcers” for this PAC 10 game sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks
On helium…
I’m serious…
O’ so GOLDEN BEARS 131-0
Enjoy your games…..
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD