Ladies and Gentlemen –
There are some things in this life I know for a certainty
For example….
Why a dog licks himself….
EDITORS NOTE: The correct answer is…
“Because he can”
But there are other questions in the universe that continue to confound even the brightest minds
For instance….
Why does a dog eat cat poop?
They are sworn enemies….
Is that supposed to send a message to all felines that “I got one over on you” by eating their poop?
I don’t get it….
EDITORS NOTE: Before you ask….
No, this column is not going to be about poop….
But if I had a video of monkey’s throwing poop I would have it on here..
But I say all of that to say this….
How in the hell is Lame Kiffin a Head Coach of anything?
And…
What does a shark in a foam rubber costume…
Have to do with being the Ole Miss “Rebels” mascot?
EDITORS NOTE: I retract my earlier statement….
I guess this column was about poop….
Enjoy Your Picks…
PRE-GAME WARM UP
After last week your Favorite College Football Prognosticator feels a little bit like the Alabama Crimson Tide after their game with the South Carolina Gamecocks.
Bruised, battered and disappointed.
Last week I was a “not so impressive” 46 and 11 or 81% and that leaves me at 295 and 55 or an underachieving 84% for the season.
In an effort to get back on track I am pulling out the “Big Guns”
Not only will Rufus Johnson return this week to “Drop Some Knowledge on Yo’ Ass”
But the Picks this week will be in Honor of Chuck Norris’s Birthday…
EDITORS NOTE: I know what you are thinking….
Isn’t Chuck Norris’s birthday March 10th?
Yes it is….But Chuck Norris decides when his birthday is, not you.
Unless you want to die.
DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON
“Football is a lot like life. It ain’t about winning, cause everybody is a good winner and everybody like to win. It’s about how you handle yo self after a loss. You going to lose a lot in this life and you better get used to it, but that don’t make you a loser. It’s what you do with a loss that makes you what you are”
THE PICKS
Thursday October 13th
South Florida at West Virginia
Chuck Norris doesn’t make a splash when he jumps in the water….
The water is just getting out of his way….
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-14
Valdosta State at North Alabama
The Blazers get torched in Florence….
Believe it
MIGHTY LIONS 33-28
Friday October 14th
Cincinnati at Louisville (Bucket of nails)
This rivalry game between the river city’s is played for the “Keg of Nails”
Which coincidently is what Chuck Norris has every morning for breakfast
STRONGS CARDINALS 31-28
Saturday October 8th
Illinois at Michigan State
The Fighting Pumpkins are on a roll after their win in Happy Valley…
But the Spartans are at home and they are ready to rumble
SPARTANS 28-21
Pittsburgh at Syracuse
Little known fact….
Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience…
PANTHERS 24-21
Maryland at Clemson
I still believe in the Power of Death Valley and Howard’s Rock…
Yeah, it’s like that…
DABO’S TIGERS 27-23
Southern Miss at Memphis
If you play “Chuck Norris Says” and you don’t do what Chuck Norris says…..
You Die….
GOLDEN EAGLES 38-17
Minnesota at Purdue
This game is like watching old people eat steak at the Golden Corral…
At first it’s kind of funny….
Then it’s just sad…
BOILERMAKERS 34-17
Dickinson at Susquehanna
Emily Dickinson has a College?
Susie is going to whip her candy ass..
SUSIE Q 33-10
Boston College at Florida State
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes…..
Chuck Norris has 72 pairs of chromosomes and they are all poisonous…
NOLES 38-17
Arkansas State at Indiana
Chuck Norris does not get frost bite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
HOMERS 43-10
North Carolina State at East Carolina
There is light at the end of the tunnel….
You better pray it’s not Chuck Norris
WOLF PACK 38-14
Miami (OH) at Central Michigan
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes…
CHIPPEWAS’ 28-17
Vanderbilt at Georgia
UGA VIII who is also known as Big Bad Bruce will take the field as the Georgia mascot during the homecoming festivities between the hedges this weekend. And as a side note…
I Love that big ole dog…
SIC EM DAWGS 33-17
Miami (FL) at Duke
If Chuck Norris were a calendar………..
Every month would be named Chucktober and every day he’d kick your ass.
HURRICANES 34-10
Akron at Ohio
The only thing faster than the speed of light is the speed of Chuck Norris’s fist
ZIPPERS 33-24
Gettysburg at Juniata
I am still not over the loss at Gettysburg….
Just so you know…
J-LO 33-17
Western Michigan at Notre Dame
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword….
He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick
FIGHTING IRISH 34-21
Texas at Nebraska
I wish I had better news for my beloved Longhorns….
But I don’t..
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 31-21
Rhode Island at Delaware
Little known fact…
Chuck Norris can tap dance through a mine field….wearing clown shoes.
FIGHTING BLUE HENS 44-10
New Hampshire at James Madison
Contrary to popular belief….
A handicapped parking sign does not signify that the spot is designated for handicapped people.
It is in fact a warning…..
That the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
DUKES 34-17
California at Southern California
According to Einstein’s Theory of Relativity….
Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday…
DA BEARS 6-5
Wake Forest at Virginia Tech
Leading hand sanitizers clam they can kill 99% of germs…
Chuck Norris can kill 100% of whatever the hell he wants too…
HOKEY POKEY 28-24
Iowa at Michigan
Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” has said she will be wearing something “Lucky” for the game on Saturday against the Hawkeyes.
Let’s hope it’s a bag to go over her head….
EYES OF THE HAWK 33-24
Southern Methodist at Navy
This game is going to be fight from start to finish…..
It’s played for the coveted “Gansz Trophy”
Who I believe was the first guy Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-31
Houston at Rice
This intercity Cow Town Battle is for the “Bayou Bucket”
And the Bucket of Bayou goes too….
COUGARS 31-28
Middle Tennessee State at Georgia Tech
It’s important to remember….
Lightning doesn’t strike twice, Chuck Norris does…
YELLOW JACKETS 33-17
Tennessee State at Jacksonville State
Curiosity killed the cat…..
Every other cause of death: Chuck Norris
GAMECOCKS 38-24
Brigham Young at Texas Christian
Chuck Norris doesn’t have bad days…..
Bad days have Chuck Norris..
HORNED FROGS 38-31
Georgia Southern at Chattanooga
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear…..
It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic.
It was so terrified in fact….
That all of its decedents now have white hair…
STATESBORO EAGLES 33-31
Citadel at Appalachian State
Chuck Norris wears sunglasses to protect the sun from his eyes…
MOUNTAINEERS 38-10
Utah at Wyoming
Even Two Utes are no match for Chuck Norris….
TWO UTES 54-10
North Carolina at Virginia
There is no Theory of Evolution….
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live….
TAR HEELS 28-17
Iowa State Oklahoma
Have you ever wondered how George Washington got across the Delaware River?
Everyone got into their boats and Chuck Norris punted them across….
BOOMER SOONERS 43-17
Ohio State at Wisconsin
The Buckeyes always have a problem in Madison with the Power of Cheese…
This game will be no different…
BUCKEYES 28-24
Baylor at Colorado
Just for the record…..
Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people…
He makes people dead…
BUFFALOS 33-24
Kent State at Toledo
Pictures of Chuck Norris are considered currency in most countries…
BOTTLE ROCKETS 31-17
Arizona at Washington State
Chuck Norris only has one Hand….
The upper Hand…
WILDCATS 114-0
McNeese State at LSU
Smells Like Home Coming in Death Valley…..
Cowboy Down….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 43-10
Boise State at San Jose State
What’s the easiest way to a person’s heart?
Chuck Norris’s Fist…..
BRONCOS 132-0
Air Force at San Diego State
According to California High School History Books….
This wouldn’t be the first time the United States Air Force Bombed the Aztecs…
MIGHTY FALCONS 33-10
Montana at Portland State
Chuck Norris was once asked to play “Rock, Paper, Scissors”
When he learned roundhouse kick was not an option…
He immediately decapitated everyone with a roundhouse kick
GRIZZZZZZZ 34-10
Oregon State at Washington
You can ask anybody….
I am all about the Beavers…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 28-24
New Mexico State at Fresno State
If you misspell “Chuck Norris” on Goggle…..
It doesn’t say: Did you mean Chuck Norris?
It says….
RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!!!
PISTOL PETE 28-24
Nevada at Hawaii
Chuck Norris doesn’t have a reflection in the mirror…
Because it’s afraid to look at Chuck Norris….
PACK OF WOLVES 44-17
Ole Miss at Alabama
It’s time for the Tide to Roll in….
CRIMSON TIDE 34-17
Missouri at Texas A&M
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…a suicide.
MO KNOWS 31-24
South Carolina at Kentucky
This game will be closer than you might think….
A Lot closer…
GAMECOCKS 31-28
Carson Newman at Catawba
I thought Catawba was a wine?
Who knew they had a college too?
SPARKS EAGLES 34-21
EDITORS NOTE: I wonder if Boone’s Farm has a college.
Oklahoma State at Texas Tech
Chuck Norris doesn’t live on earth….The earth lives under Chuck Norris.
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS 34-33
Arkansas at Auburn
This game has all the potential to be a shoot-out….
Because it will be…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 31-28
Mississippi State at Florida
The Gators return to form…
But they have to work for it….
URBAN GATORS 24-21
Kansas State at Kansas
This game is called the “Sunflower Showdown”
And that is explanation enough on why Chuck Norris will never attend this game..
WILDCATS 28-24
Army at Rutgers
There is only one thing we can be sure of in this life….
Chuck Norris
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 28-21
Enjoy Your Games….
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD