Ladies and Gentlemen –
Before we get into this week’s selections…..
I would like to “thanks” in no particular order:
The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
The Minnesota O’ so very Golden Gophers
Coach Drooley and the Tennessee Volunteers
Zippy the Akron Kangaroo and the entire football coaching staff at West Point….
For completely screwing up Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator’s weekly average
and sending your fans into fits of rage while dashing for the liquor cabinet.
I hope you’re happy….
But certainly this past week wasn’t all frustration and consternation….
The West Virginia Mountaineers….
Scored 15 points in the final two minutes of the game with Marshall
to win the “The Friends of Coal Bowl” and the Governors Cup.
The Mighty Air Force Falcons carpet bombed the Cougars of BYU…..
And Reggie Bush was forced to return the Heisman Trophy….
No need to thank me for that one folks…..
It’s how I roll……
Enjoy your picks…..
PRE-GAME WARM UP
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a disappointing 61 and11 or 85% for the second week of the season.
That leaves us at 133 and 21 or 86% after only two weeks.
Like I said last week….
This is no time to panic; there is a lot of football to be played, so let’s get to the picks
THE PICKS
Thursday September 16th
Cincinnati at North Carolina State
I have a “gut feeling” about this game….
I just hope it’s not gas….
WOLFPACK 28-24
Concordia Selma at Carson Newman
I don’t know about Concordia, but I think I knew her brother Tommy…
That Tommy Selma was tougher than a pine knot….
Which of course has nothing what so ever to do with this pick….
SPARKS EAGLES 33-17
Friday September 17th
Kansas at Southern Miss
Call me crazy if you want too….
It’s nothing I haven’t already heard from mental health professionals
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24
California at Nevada
Honestly I would watch this game…..
But the Animal Planet is having a “special” documentary on the Armadillo entitled
“The Armadillo: Natures little tank or possum on the half shell?”
GAYLORD THE BEAR 33-24
Saturday September 18th
Connecticut at Temple
This little known rivalry in the northeast is played for the coveted…
“Hoobastank Trophy”…
Not really, but it’s a fun word to say isn’t it?
HUSKIES 28-24
Muhlenberg at Susquehanna
Now I know what you are thinking….
Can the German girl take Susie after last week’s tussle with Juanita….
I believe she can, I heard she was a former East German shot putter
MULE GIRL 24-17
Northern Illinois at Illinois
The “Fighting Illini” continue their “brutal” out of conference schedule..
By beating the living hell out of junior colleges and technical schools within their own state.
PUMPKINS’ O’ FIGHTING 34-17
Maryland at West Virginia
I would have a lot more faith in the Fighting Terrapins if they had a really cool mascot…
Say like “The Turtle Man” as seen in the video below….
Before you ask…Yes, He is real….
But until Maryland hires him it’s time to light those couches…
MOUNTAINEERS 33-27
Arkansas at Georgia
This game features the “Hawgs and Dawgs”
Reminds me of my favorite German Ice Cream….
DAWGS 20-17
Ohio at Ohio State
Coach Frank’s Bobcats of Ohio will keep this one close…..
Right up until the time the Ohio State Marching Band….
Which of course is “The Best Damn Band in the Land”… “Dots the I”…..
Then it’s all…..
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 41-10
North Texas at Army
EDITORS COMMENTARY:
The Army coaching staff should be thankful we live in the “everybody’s a winner” society, were “trying hard” and “giving a good effort” is as important as winning.
Because if it were up to me; I would have fired everyone of their collective ass’s after last weeks game.
A blind chimpanzee with half a damn banana could motivate a team better than these dumbasses.
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 28-24
Iowa State at Kansas State
This rivalry is known as “Farmageddon”…..
(Yes I’m serious)
It’s like Armageddon, only these use combines and tractors…
WILDCATS 24-10
Georgia Tech at North Carolina
The question this week at the “Varsity”…
(Which is only home to the World’s Greatest Chili Dogs…. )
Can Tech bounce back from the Rambling Wreck in Lawrence Kansas?
No, not this week, is the appropriate answer…
TAR HEELS 24-21
Massachusetts at Michigan
Coach Rod and the Wolverines continue their “tough” out of conference schedule this week
But they had better not be looking ahead…
The Keebler Elves are coming to Ann Arbor next Saturday….
WOLVERINES 44-10
EDITORS NOTE: It has been brought to my attention that I have been “unduly harsh” in my treatment of Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”. So let me say this….
When reporting that Rita attended a “Maze and Blue” alumni fund raiser recently wearing nine inch clear plastic stripper shoes I didn’t mean to imply that she was dressed like an old worn out stripper.
I meant to say, the Maze and Blue fund raiser must have been located near the airport…
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding…
Ball State at Purdue
Didn’t David Letterman go to Ball State?
Yeah, that isn’t going to make any difference here…
BOILERMAKERS 31-17
Juniata at Ursinus
Juanita is still bruised up from her tussle last week with Susquehanna…
And I understand Ursinus has a urinary infection
So I have to go with…
J-LO 28-23
Kent State at Penn State
So the “Golden Flashes” are coming to Jo Pa’s House….
There are SO many things I could say here….
But out of respect for Jo Pa, I won’t….
NITTANY LIONS 38-14
Delta State at Valdosta State
I have always been a fan of the Blazers…
But I am a Fighting Okra man….
I like it fried, boiled and pickled….
But I’m not a big fan of Okra Winfrey
BLAZERS 33-28
Vanderbilt at Ole Miss
The Commodores will keep this one closer than you might think…
A lot closer…
REBELS 24-21
Jacksonville State at Georgia State
I wouldn’t bet against these Roosters if they were playing the Dallas Cowboys
GAMECOCKS 34-17
East Carolina at Virginia Tech
Maybe it’s just me…
But the Hokies don’t seem to have the same fire since they lost their Wangs
HOKIE POKEY 31-24
EDITORS NOTE: Of course I am talking about….
The loss of Ed Wang and his brother from the defensive front of the Hokies;
What did you think I was talking about?
Brigham Young at Florida State
The Cougars will encounter a strange new phenomena in Tallahassee this Saturday
which will be their demise in this game, it’s called…..“Humidity”
JIMBO’S NOLES 34-24
Colorado State at Miami (OH)
Although Miami of Ohio doesn’t have any palm trees….
It is known as the Cradle of Coaches…
That’s good enough for me…
REDHAWKS 23-17
Air Force at Oklahoma
I was very proud of the Falcons for upsetting the Cougars last week…
But I am afraid they are outmatched in this one…
BOOMER SOONERS 43-21
Southern California at Minnesota
The “Not so” Golden Gophers lost last week to a High School team from South Dakota…
Sooooooooooo……..
LAME CHEATERS 6-3
Florida at Tennessee
Not that it’s all that important here, but Peyton Manning never beat the Gators
I just thought it was worth mentioning….
MIGHTY GATORS 24-17
Arizona State at Wisconsin
The Devils of the Sun…..
Cannot stand up to the Power of Processed Cheese Whiz
BADGERS 28-24
Defiance at Hanover
I have a question…
What is “defiance” so angry about?
They should take a tip from Okra Winfrey….
They don’t have to be angry and defiant “all the time”
HANDY HANOVER 23-10
Washington State at Southern Methodist
Coach June’s Ponies will be ready to ride this Saturday in Big D….
Believe it…
And just for the record it’s still Ownby Stadium to me….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-17
North Carolina Central at Appalachian State
The Mountaineers came back from a four touchdown deficit against Chattanooga to win
Make no mistake…
The Mountaineers are for real…
MOUNTAINEERS 38-10
Hawaii at Colorado
The Warriors from the Land of Rainbow Bright…
Would fair a lot better in this game if they had Dog the Bounty Hunter on the sidelines…
BUFFALOS 34-17
EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the A&E Network on Wednesday nights, check your local listings for times in your area.
Alabama at Duke
The Blue Devils will have a few tricks up their sleeves on Saturday…
But they are still going to get their asses kicked…
CRIMSON TIDE 38-17
Nebraska at Washington
The Huskies have a great history, with a great coaching staff and a fine young quarterback…
In fact I still love the great Coach James….
But the Huskers have the Black Shirts…
Sorry…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 24-17
Troy at UAB
The Men of Troy gave the Oklahoma State Cowboys all they could handle last week…
They are more than up to the task this week in this instate tussle…
MEN OF TROY 33-28
Central Michigan at Eastern Michigan
I have been corrected……
The term “Chippewa’s” does not refer to “Two Utes” in the Native American Language as I erroneously reported last week.
It actually means an ingrown hair. As in….
“If you shave too close you can get a Chippewa on your face”
Hope that cleared up any misunderstanding…
CHIPPEWAS’ 33-31
Southern Arkansas at North Alabama
I respect any team that calls themselves “The Mule Riders”
But this game is in Lion Country….
MIGHTY LIONS 34-20
Baylor at Texas Christian
The Bears might win this game…….
And Richard Simmons might be heterosexual…..
HORNED FROGS 34-17
Indiana at Western Kentucky
The most interesting thing about this game…….
Isn’t that the Big Ten is coming to Bowling Green…
It’s the fact nobody knows what the hell a Hoosier and a Hilltopper actually is…
HOOSIERS 24-17
Northwestern Oklahoma State at South Dakota
If the Boys from Dakota could knock off a Big Ten team last week….
Then should be able to handle this Tire Alignment Academy from Oklahoma
COYOTES 34-17
Louisville at Oregon State
Much like Ward Cleaver…..
I am all about the Beaver in this one…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 34-17
EDITORS NOTE: In an effort to keep this a “family friendly” column…
I want the readers to take note that I did not in any way reference either Rosie O’Donnell or Lindsay Lohan in the above pick.
No need to thank me…
Eastern Kentucky at Chattanooga
The Colonels aren’t over their thrashing last week by Coach Strong’s Cardinals
and the Boys from Choo Choo Town are primed and ready….
Also, Chattanooga is the home of the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum, Wall of Remembrance and Gift Shop…..
So there is that….
MIGHTY MOCS 33-24
Duquesne at Delaware
Little known fact….
If you say “Duquesne” after you drank a glass of Buttermilk…
Something gross will fly out of your mouth…
BLUE HENS 28-17
Georgia Southern at Coastal Carolina
I have no idea why the folks from Coastal Carolina….
Decided to name their team the “Chanticleers” ….
But I am pretty sure you need a shot of penicillin to clear it up…..
EAGLES 28-17
Portland State at Oregon
Unfortunately this game conflicts with the VH1 “Behind the Music” Special…..
The Music and Life of Screech from Saved by the Bell….
Set your recorders now….
QUACKERS 63-0
Akron at Kentucky
I have a philosophical question….
Since Akron is known as the “Zippers”…
Is it possible there is a team out there called the “Velcro’s”?
I’m just wondering…
WILDCATS 34-10
Navy at Louisiana Tech
Lately, the Bulldogs of Tech are playing more like the Taco Bell dog..
MIDSHIPMEN 28-21
Middle Tennessee State at Memphis
The Velvet Elvis’s better bring their best game…..
I believe the Blue Raiders are motivated…
BLUE RAIDERS 24-17
Northwestern at Rice
This game will feature some of the highest SAT scores in all of college football…
Yeah, it’s that exciting…
WILDCATS 34-17
Mississippi State at LSU
Nothing says “FIGHT” quite like a game between the “Cats and the Dogs”
This one belongs to Mike….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-17
Marshall at Bowling Green
Last week Doc Holiday and the Thundering Herd…
Were two minutes away from beating the Mountaineers of West Virginia….
They won’t need those two minutes this week…
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-17
Tulsa at Oklahoma State
I don’t want to think about the “Prairie Wind” touching a Golden Hurricane..
It makes me feel icky…
COWBOY UP! 38-17
Florida International at Texas A&M
I don’t know how “International” the boys from Florida are…..
Unless their school is close to Epcot Center, then I guess that counts for something…
Right?
GIG EM AGGIES 43-10
Central Florida at Buffalo
I know, I know…..
It seems like every time I pick the boys from Disney they lose…
The curse is broken this weekend…
Or I am burning down “It’s a Small World”…..
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 33-28
EDITORS NOTE: If that song is stuck in your head, I apologize….
It hurts me too….
Toledo at Western Michigan
The Rockets don’t have enough fire to be called roman candles, much less rockets…
BRONCOS 28-10
Clemson at Auburn
I wish I had better news for my adopted Clemson family….
But I don’t….
WAR DAMN EAGLE 24-17
Presbyterian at Citadel
I just hope the moral fiber of the cadets from the Military College of South Carolina isn’t tainted by the arrival of bus loads of Blue Ho’s coming to campus.
BULLDOGS 28-17
Furman at South Carolina
If Chewbacca made enough money to have his own college…
Then why call it Furry man? Why not just call it Chewbacca U?
Never mind…
GAMECOCKS 38-10
San Diego State at Missouri
There is a very good reason why the Aztec’s disappeared from civilization…
They played with Tigers….
MO’S TIGERS 44-10
Montana at Eastern Washington
The Grizzles are on a mission after losing in the finals last year…..
Believe it….
GRIZZ 33-10
Maine at Syracuse
If this was a “Who has the ugliest Cheerleaders” contest…
Then it would be one heck of a contest….
OTTO’S ORANGES 17-14
Boise State at Wyoming
Bronco fans should be really encouraged in this game….
I don’t think the Cowboys have beaten Virginia Tech (yet)
Which is nice…
BRONCO’S 43-10
Fresno State at Utah State
Some people think that midgets jousting on burros is cruel and degrading…
I personally think it screams “Pay-Per-View”….
Not that it matters here…
DAWGS 33-31
Utah at New Mexico
I don’t know about you….
But a contest between Utes and Lobos sounds like a Disney cartoon movie to me…
TWO UTES 43-10
Notre Dame at Michigan State
I don’t know what is more disturbing…..
The midget from Notre Dame dressed like a leprechaun….
or their obsession with Golden Gnomes…..
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 27-24
Texas at Texas Tech
I have but one thing to say here….
“Welcome to Texas Tommy….I hope you enjoy your Longhorn ass whipping”
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-24
New Mexico State at UTEP
It just occurred to me…..
“UTEP” is an acronym for a Ute that has to go the bathroom….
AGGIES 23-21
Iowa at Arizona
Remember you heard it here first….
The Eyes of the Hawk will not be stopped…..
Until their meeting in November with the Mighty Buckeyes of Ohio State….
Then it’s anybody’s ball game…
HAWKS EYES 28-17
Houston at UCLA
Despite some key injuries last week, the Cougars are still dangerous…
As in really dangerous…
COUGARS 38-28
Wake Forest at Stanford
This game would be a lot more entertaining for me….
If Jimmy Swaggart was the Demon Deacon mascot….
And after getting all liquored up and having a crying jag at halftime he peed on the Stanford tree mascot.
Now that’s what I call entertainment.
Enjoy your games
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD