The College Football Experience

September 15, 2010

Ladies and Gentlemen –

I received a letter from a frequent visitor to this column describing his experiences……
at the Georgia – South Carolina game in Columbia this past Saturday.
It gave me an idea….

I want to take this opportunity to encourage all my faithful readers to share their game day experiences with your favorite college football prognosticator and feel free to include any photos or videos you may have as well.

They will be used here only with your permission…

But until then….
Enjoy the impressions from the Georgia – South Carolina game…..
as seen through the eyes of a diehard Georgia Bulldog Fan


Dear Sir,
I just want to tell you that I’ve been about the most excited man in South Georgia!

See, I been saving up cans and such so I could go see me a Georgia-damn-Bulldogs game!!!
Well, sir, I been saving them thangs since about 2007. I’d get me a six pack, drank it, and then stomp them cans flat and throw ‘em in the recircular bin. That was my fancy name for another trash can with just cans in it. Anyway, I stomped cans, drank beer, and saved for so long that I finally got enough of those thangs to get me some tickets to see the BY GOD GEORGIA DANG BULLDAWGS play up to Columbia, South Carlina.

Well, let me tell ya something. It aint no short trip to Columbia, South Carolina..
You got to go clear up to Savannah and get on that Innerstate 95 and then go up and get on ANOTHER INNERSTATE and THEN get to Columbia. Dadgummit, I aint never been that far in my life. And let me tell you something else.
Them South Carlina State po-licemen don’t like Bulldawg fans.
I had my Bulldog flags flyin off both sides of my truck…..
And I even soaped up my back windshield with “South Carlina Sux!!!” on it.
I don’t know why they stopped me. Somethin about broke tail lights. Well, hell, I told ‘em I don’t even use ‘em cause I just give them arm signals I learned about back when I got my drivers license.

When I got to Columbia I couldn’t believe how much they was wantin to park.
Heck, even them folks across the tracks even wanted ten whole dollars.

Well, I got to this church and got to talkin’ to the preacher of the AME church.
Did you know that them folks aint really Ammish?
Well, after I pulled out a bottle of ‘shine we decided to make a swap. I’d give him a nice mason jar full of ‘shine and he’d let me park there for the game.
I’m a real wheeler dealer when I want to be.
That preacher said that he was gonna have a good communion tomorrow!!!
Well, sir, things went down hill from there. I got to the football palace and boy was there a ton of folks there. I finally found my seat which really wadn’t a seat. It was just a damn old metal bench. My doggone overalls is about wore out in the bottom and that dang bench made my fanny hurt. To top it all off, I was surrounded by them dang obnoxious Gamecock fans.
But there was a couple of Georgia fellers right behind me so I was just a hoopin and a hollerin’ and and woofin it up and givin them boys high fives every time the Dawgs did something good. They wadn’t real excited about me doin that sometimes but I did it anyway.
Every time the doggon South Carlina boys did something good all them Gamecocks folks would give it right back. But, the thang that made me mad was when the referees called a fumble on our runner and gave it to South Carlina. Boy I was mad!
All them Gamecocks fellas looked at me and smiled real big and said “Welcome to Columbia, boy.”
Well, we was about to lose so I went ahead and started to leave and this fella behind me said “You leavin?”
I said, “Hell, yea.” He said what’s wrong you didn’t buy a ticket for the whole game and just laughed and laughed. I told him “Boy, you got a sorry football team.” Well, he said, “Boy, whats that say bout them Bulldawgs? They just got beat by a sorry football team.” I had to think about that one, so I just flipped him a bird and walked. Boy, you woulda thought I’d stole their rooster or something.
They started hoopin and a hollerin at me to beat the band.
I was duckin and runnin for my life cause they was throwin trash and stuff at me but I didn’t care. Hell, everytime they played that dang rooster crowin it felt like somebody was drivin a ten penny nail in my head.

So, I got out to where my car was parked in the church and saw that preacher agin.
Do you know that fella was layin on the front lawn like he was dead?
Yessir, I went up to check on him and there he was with that quart jar in his hand and it was almost empty.
I figgered I’d better get outta there and I jumped in my truck and took off.
Well, I thought I’d left the worst of everything behind me but them South Carlina Troopers wadn’t done with me. Do you know they can give you a ticket for drivin too slow on one of them Innerstate highways?
Well, they can in South Carlina. It come up a little drizzle and I slowed down to about 15 miles an hour like a good driver, turned on my ‘mergence lights, and was bein real careful and them dirty dogs stopped me!!
That dang trooper fella wadn’t real happy about getting his purty uniform wet and he asked me why I was goin so slow. I told him, “Hey, buddy, don’t you see it’s raining? My winshield washers don’t work so I’m drivin real slow so I can keep from havin a wreck!!!”

So, I got TWO dang tickets and the Dawgs got beat. That was one sorry day. I thank next time I decide to go to a ball game I’m just gonna save my cans and buy me a ticket to the game down to Jacksonville. At least them Gaineville folks like to wear jean shorts and have them fancy mullet haircuts like us.

Lemuel in Ludowici

Your College Football Picks will out on Thursday….
So Stay Tuned…


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