College Football News and Views (Part II)

January 31, 2010

Ladies and Gentlemen

Glad you enjoyed the first installment of the 2010 College Football News
And as promised…

The follow on installment for your viewing pleasure..

If you enjoyed the first article, then this should hit your funny bone in just the right place

But before I leave you to your reading…

You did get the memo that the “World is Coming to an End”


In case you didn’t get the email….
It simply says ….

The New Orleans Saints are going to the Super Bowl….

Hell has indeed frozen over….

Enjoy …..


As you know I don’t mix my sports together but this was too good not to mention.

So the “other” O.J. from the University of Southern California Trojans

EDITORS NOTE: By the above statement I am referring to the O.J. that didn’t
murder his wife and young waiter friend, just so we are clear on that…

That caused so many problems by admitting (Sort of) to accepting money to play basketball for the Trojans
which subsequently got his Coach fired…..

Remember him?

This is not a reference to the O.J. that murdered two people in southern California
and was able to walk away because a jury of idiots let him loose on the streets.

Well the University of Southern California decided they would “punish” themselves over their indiscretions and guess what?
The NCAA said that was “A O.K.” with them

If you are wondering why that is such a big deal…

It’s because that NEVER happened before in the South…

As in NEVER…….EVER….

Coach Bobby Bowden and Florida State can I get an Amen?


Southern Methodist University?



Florida State?

Texas A&M?

Oklahoma State?



No “SELF PUNISHMENT” allowed for any of these Southern schools
BUT the University of Southern California can get a pass and a slap on the wrist…

All because O.J…..

EDITORS NOTE: Just a reminder….
This is in no way a reference to the O.J. from the Southern California Trojans that MURDERED two people and got away with it…
Due in large part to the preponderance of fools in the Los Angeles area who showed up for jury duty.

I am convinced the University of Southern California Trojans are in bed with the NCAA and collectively they couldn’t spell justice and fairness
If you spotted them the “I’s and the S’s”

But I do have one question related to the Trojan Football program…
How do you plan on “Self Punishing” this….


You all just can’t bring yourselves to report anything negative on the Trojans?

Can you?

Not after Lame Kitten and his staff put the screws to Tennessee
and left them hanging while stealing their recruits and nearly bankrupting their athletic budget?

Not even after that?

What about Lame’s history of NCAA recruiting violations at Tennessee
and how maybe that won’t fit well with the ongoing NCAA “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Trojans?


Your not going to report on Lame’s “car accident” while he was with the Volunteers?

You may not want to report anything on the Trojans….

But everybody knows…..
Take for example last week’s NFC Championship game with network prognosticator and comedian Frank Caliendo
imitating Jack Nicholson, giving his prediction for the game.
In the course of his prediction concerning the New Orleans Saints
He said: “Did you see the way Reggie Bush played last week?
He has not played that well since he signed his first professional contract to play for U$C”

Enough said….


So now the White House wants
To “examine” the legitimacy of the Bowl Championship Series.
They might as well, I mean it’s not like we have anything else going on…..
With two wars, an economy that is a popcorn fart away from collapse and unemployment that is rising faster than a hot air balloon.

I am convinced our government could screw up a two car funeral


Email intercepted from NCAA search committee for Myles Brands successor

Mr Ray,
There isn’t much being made in the media about our search for a successor for Mr Myles Brand.
I feel as if our search committee is being slighted by the lack of coverage.
We have decided to “leak” a couple of names to the press in order to generate publicity for the NCAA.
Judge Judy: A no nonsense legal eagle who could easily reign in the malcontents who incessantly complain about everything from referee calls to scheduling.
She would be able to stave off attacks by the Stoop’s & Spurrier’s of the coaching ranks with caustic wit and her forceful nature.
William Shatner: Everybody still remembers him from Star Trek.
Who better to lead this organization into the future than a Starship Commander?
We have a couple of other names in mind should the need arise: Jeff Probst from Survivor & Jet Li of action film fame.
However, we’ll hold these names until the need arises
Search Committee

EDITORS NOTE: I guess Hitler was unavailable for an interview…


As we all know the Seminoles traded Saint Bobby for a Jimbo

But I have to ask…..

So you promoted the offensive coordinator who couldn’t put more than ten whopping points on the Gators to be your Head Coach?

Ah, Ok…..



I just read an article in which the National Organization for Women, the Women’s Media Center of New York, the Feminist Majority and others
do not approve of an ad sponsored by Focus on the Family that recounts the difficult pregnancy of Pam Tebow when she was carrying Tim Tebow.
Because of the problems she had with her pregnancy, she was advised to have an abortion.
She didn’t heed the advice.

The Women’s Media Center describes Focus on the Family as “anti-equality, anti-choice, and homophobic” and claims…..
CBS will damage their reputation by airing the ad. Huh?
It sounds like if you’re anti-equality, anti-choice, and homophobic, then you’re probably a conservative.
Isn’t most of America really, deep down, conservative?
Don’t they really mean that if you don’t agree with them and don’t fall in lock-step with their views that you’re an unenlightened Neanderthal, incapable of logical thought?
That’s liberal enlightenment, if I ever heard it.

It also sounds like the fine folks at the NCAA, doesn’t it?

The president of the National Organization for Women claims that the ad would be “extraordinarily offensive and demeaning” to women. Huh?
You mean if you make ads ONLY for abortion, etc then no one should find that offensive.
I guess if you even have thoughts and ideas contrary to what they believe then you’re a bad, neo-con, Nazi. Riiiiiight.
Who are the real Nazi’s, the ones that want to suppress free thought or the ones who will express a thought counter to what the liberal socialists think no matter how much ridicule it brings.

I ask you?


As you may have read the University of Southern California took the University of South Carolina to court over the “trademark” of their respective symbols
more specifically the interlocking initials of their U-S-C.

“Mister” Edelman the attorney for Southern California had these professional words to say concerning the dispute….

“Sports logo registrations are not limited to use in team colors, so there was potential for South Carolina merchandise to be mistaken for that of (Southern Cal), Edelman said.
He also suggested that the letters were more deservedly linked to the Trojans’ warrior image than to “a goofy little chicken.”
“I think they wanted to move away from the gamecock logo,” Edelman said of the University of South Carolina. “Something that is totally understandable.”

I ask you dear readers, how in the hell do you get these two symbols confused?

My take on this dispute is simple….
Listen closely Gamecock faithful….
Tell the University of Southern California and the Court to kiss your Gamecock ass.

Keep your USC symbol as it is….


It has been reported that Phil Fulmer assisted the University of Tennessee in finding the replacement for Lame Kitten.

It was further reported Phil had this to say concerning his “duties”

He stated he was ready to help make “one of the most important decisions” in the program’s history.
He also said the next coach should embrace Tennessee traditions, be mature and have integrity.

By using terms like “traditions” and “integrity” does Phil mean protecting rapist and other criminals on the team, while concocting conspiracies against your rivals?

Does it mean changing grades and inventing “walking classes” for athletes?

Or does it mean having a six percent graduation rate for your student athletes?

Maybe it means having your own personal attorney “represent” those thugs on the team
that beat up a female student that refused to do his homework and the athletes that beat up and permanently disfigured a male student at a basketball game.

I hope for the University of Tennessee, that wasn’t what he meant.


Q: Dear Sir –
You appear from your writing to be an educated man with some sense of worldliness”
So I ask you this question in hopes you will assist me in my quest for justice.
Recently I purchased a women’s brief case, yet upon arriving back at my apartment and opening the case I noticed there were no women’s undergarments inside.
I attempted to get my money back after vehemently complaining to the proprietor and accusing him of “false advertisement” since there were no ladies briefs anywhere in the case, but to no avail.
In fact they ridiculed me as I left the establishment in disgust!
So I ask you sir, Do I have a clear cut case of False Advertisement or not?
Thomas – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: Tom, do you live in your Grandmothers’ basement and dress up in her clothes?
I’m just asking before I dispense any expert legal advice…

Q: Mister Wizard, we were all sorry to hear you didn’t get the opportunity to attend the National Championship game this year in beautiful southern California!
We were in hopes you would have the opportunity to attend one of our many diversity classes here at the Pasadena Community College, just around the corner from the world famous Rose Bowl.
In fact we have an interactive history class which would have been perfect for you!
It’s called the “Boston Tea Party Massacre Story”……
The class opens with Abraham Lincoln freeing the wrongly imprisoned Asian Americans from World War II interment camps, and establishing a coalition of partners to rebuild the Aztecs Empire after the United States military mistakenly carpet bombed them.
Meanwhile Millard Fillmore and Jimmy Carter, perhaps two of our country’s greatest leaders, destroy hundreds of Lipton Tea Bags in Boston Harbor in protest over America’s treatment of Cuba; Gloria Estefan will provide the theme music for this particular portion of the class and the award winning documentary director Michael Moore has gladly offered his services to direct the group towards the truth.
We have the entire class available on CD, would you like for us to send you a copy?
Dr. Emilio Jose T. Ricardo- Pasadena, California

A: I have but one comment on your letter Doctor
How dare you drag Gloria Estefan into your twisted world!
That woman is a national treasure!

Q: Sir, I know this is “slightly” off the college football subject…
But I know you love BBQ, so I need to ask….
How can you tell the moment you walk into a BBQ joint if it’s going to be any good?
Jim – New Iberia, Louisiana

A: College Football and BBQ go together like peas and carrots; so don’t worry about asking a question like that here. You came to the right place….
As you may know I am a bit of an “expert” when it comes to BBQ….
That being said Jim….
I look for two things right off the bat in a BBQ joint..
When you walk in, you should be able to smell that smoky goodness…..
If the place has a Jukebox and Conway Twitty is playing when you walk in…
You are home…
(More on my highly scientific process later…)

Q: Greetings and Salutations Mister Wizard!
I have followed your articles concerning college football “live” mascots very closely.
Why you may ask?
Because I have the next “live” mascot for the University of South Carolina!
I have raised a rooster that I call “El Uno Con Grande Talentos”
(The one with the Large Talons)
Just imagine…..
As El Uno Con Grande Talentos enters William Brice Stadium….
Everyone in the stadium will be wearing festive hats and blowing party horns and screaming “Viva El Uno Con Grande Talentos!” “Viva El Uno Con Grande Talentos!”
Then for the finale…..The Carolina Cheerleaders can come on to the field and shout
“Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole!” While wearing festive sombreros and pulling a burro!
What do you think?
Jose – Conway, South Carolina

A: Jose you are aware this is “College football” and not bullfighting, right?

Q: Well Mister Wizard you have had quite a Year!
Your beloved Crimson Tide are the National Champions!
Southern California is in disarray as is the NCAA and Notre Dame…
Is there anything you “didn’t” get for Christmas this year?
Melinda –Bay City, Texas

A: I am very fortunate and blessed Melinda, that’s for sure.
And certainly I have had nearly every wish granted to me this year in college football.
So I have no complaints…
But If I could have but one more wish….
I wish a herd of rabid possums would attack and eat Jon and Kate and all eight of what ever the hell they are.
I am sick of hearing about those idiots
Q: So Mister Wizard, do you have any big plans before Spring Football starts?
Perhaps a vacation?
Just wondering….
The Rogers Family – Omaha, Nebraska

A: Great question and thank you for asking Rogers family.
This “off season” I will use my time to finalize my court case against the popular restaurant chain “Cracker Barrel”.
I am in the process of suing the popular chain because quite simply….
Every time I see the name it reminds me I am white….
I mean seriously, what’s next “Honky Bucket”?
No this discrimination has got to Stop!
Either that or they may pay me 12 million dollars for my “pain” and “suffering” and we can call it even.

Q: What is the deal with Mark May of ESPN!
You have been right about him all along!
My wife and I got a chance to meet him recently at a promotion for Home Depot..
They are the sponsor of the ESPN College Game Day Set, and Lord have mercy!
You want to talk about some bad breath!
Mark May’s breath smelled like ass and boiled cabbage!
It made my wife’s eyes water!
I am telling you his breath smells like my Saint Bernard’s butt!
Thanks for telling us about Mark May, we should have listened to you.
Doug and Karen Shipley – Paducah, Kentucky

A: Actually Mr. and Mrs. Shipley I said Mark May was “full of crap”, I never said his breath smelled like it too.

Q: Hey Mister Smart Ass!
We Tennessee Fans don’t appreciate it one damn bit you making fun of Coach Drooly with them funny pictures!
First things first, he come from “real” coaching stock, in case you hadn’t heard his daddy was THE Coach Drooly from the University of Georgia!
Ever heard of him?
Second, he was coaching at a school that was right up the road from them LSU Tigers, and they never played him, you want to know why?
Cause they is scared of Coach Drooly, that’s why!
Third, he ain’t from California so that makes him ok in our book!
So Lay off Coach Drooly!
Slim and Scooter Watkins – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: With names like “Slim and Scooter” I can only hope one of you aren’t anorexic and the other is on a Hover Round scooter,
but that being said, I was going to correct you on the name of your new coach, but frankly I am laughing too hard.

Post Season Thanks….

In my National Championship euphoria I failed to thank my sponsors and all the fine people
that not only help with this article week after week throughout the season…..
But encourage me to keep writing.
There are truly too many people to thank here…
But in no particular order I need to acknowledge a few people….
I couldn’t type a single word or have it posted without the amazingly talented Dennis
who is the single greatest webmaster on planet earth.
Thank you Dennis, you sir are the man.
I want to thank Big Paul, Matt and Hank and the Charleston “A-Team” for great ideas, tremendous humor, invaluable contributions and friendship.
Thank you to my “Royal” Family of Alabama….
The Princess, Miss Kaye and Christy, whose humor, encouragement and kindness have kept me writing, I love you ladies.
To my adopted Clemson Family
Thank you so very much for everything, I truly miss and love you all.
My Deepest Gratitude to Bulldog Jim and the Mississippi State Bulldog faithful for all their encouragement and kind words.
Many Thanks goes to my other Carolina family, Beaver Jim, Susan and the Aiken Crew for your contributions, ideas and tremendous sense of humor.
Thank you to Eric and the rest of the Oak Ridge Boys.
Many Thanks to Lee and his beautiful Texas bride, I owe you my friend.
To my family in Baja Alabama
Deke, Steve, Seminole Puddly, Arkansas Dave, Reece and Eric and the many others…
You all got me started, provided great humor, ideas and encouragement throughout the years.
I can never thank you all enough.

I owe a depth of gratitude to Col J and the Husker Nation.
You encouraged me to keep writing when I wasn’t feeling it, I thank you sir.

To all my overseas readers and contributors, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I also want to thank the fine people at the Stony Brook Chalets in Gatlinburg

Drop by for a weekend and relax or plan a vacation with them, you won’t be disappointed.
Tell Pam and Ed your favorite college football prognosticator sent you.

And lastly…

As long as you continue to enjoy it, I’ll keep writing.

That’s why I do it…

Thank you all


The Number One Tennessee Fan on the planet
will have his commentary and comments later this week about Lame Kitten and the newest coach to Beacon Hill.

So stay Tuned..



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6 Responses to College Football News and Views (Part II)

  1. BamaPrincess on January 31, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    Man – that is sooo not fair – just as I was reeling from laughter you go and make me cry. That is so sweet of you to thank everyone.

    We think you are AMAZING with a BIG A – like ALA-FREAKIN-BAMA!!! ROLL TIDE ROLL!

    We can’t thank you enough for your service to our country and to our Tide!!!

    Keep on writing and we won’t stop reading. Thank you for sharing your talent with us!! God Bless!!!

    The BamaPrincess

  2. Matt on February 1, 2010 at 8:51 am

    Great article again….What a way to start a week with great humor……can’t wait for your next installment…..Thanks for the past years stories and look forward to the future ones.


  3. MEB on February 1, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    My Dear Bama Princess

    The pleasure is all mine, and thank you again

    I am so glad I got a good laugh out of you…


    The College Football Wizard

  4. Kaye on February 2, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    Great read!

    Thank you for your talents both on paper and in service.

    How ’bout Kirby Smart’s raise YEA

    Pasadena was so much better with Crimson and White

    Roll Tide Roll

  5. Icheer4Bama on February 2, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    WOW! Thank you so much. However, with all due respect (which is A LOT), you got it wrong. It’s me/us who should thank you. You’ve become an “unseen” part of our family and provide us all with laughter, and knowledge. Best of all, your love for the The Tide nearly catapults you into sainthood.

    God bless you, wherever you are, and where you go. You make this world a better place. Thank you for that.


  6. Lee on February 4, 2010 at 11:45 am

    Dear Mike,

    Thank YOU! You have no idea how many people enjoy your work, but I hope you keep close tabs on the number of “hits” to your site.

    Aside from the predictions and laughs, it takes a person of confidence and character to publicly “expose” their thoughts and innermost feelings in a public forum; you do it on a regular basis. All of us who stop by benefit from your generosity.

    Enough seriousness…I’m going back to my off-season job of basking in the afterglow of a 13th National Championship. And there might not’ve been a lot of drama, but here’s one Tide fan who’s real happy with the results of National Signing Day.

    Roll Tide Roll!


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