College Football News and Views 2010 Edition

January 23, 2010

It’s been a rather exciting “off season” already hasn’t it?

Have I mentioned The University of Alabama Crimson Tide
ARE the College Football National Champions?
I have?
Sorry, it’s been a while for me…

We have a lot to catch up on don’t we?

In fact we have SO much to talk about
This segment will be posted in “two” separate articles, to include your email questions and answers…
So be sure and check back for part two in a couple of days…

But where to begin?

Let’s see….

How about we start with….

How Coach Pete Carroll ran like a scalded dog to the Home of Starbucks……
(I wonder if he is taking his Malibu Co-ed?)
Before the Joe McKnight “scandal” and the Reggie Bush “investigation” caught up with him and the “mediocre” Trojans.

You don’t think that was the reason he split in the middle of the night?

My friends….
Have a seat relax and read on…
This is going to be fun

Are you comfortable?
Let me simply say this….

Coach Pete was more than concerned about the Joe McKnight “situation” and down right scared to death of a little something going on in San Diego County.


Because finally…
Reggie Bush is being sued in “open” court in San Diego by his sports agents while he was at Southern California to recoup losses they suffered when Reggie “breached” his contract with them.

You see…
“New Era Sports” paid for everything for young Reggie while he was at U$C….
I just hope the NCAA “investigators” can find the San Diego court room.
They damn sure couldn’t find Reggie’s Momma’s house all these years with a road map and a GPS.

Speaking of the “mediocre” Southern California Trojan’s….
Remember when ESPN, FOXSports, Lisa Horne and the College Football News all said..
“The USC Trojans will be in the National Championship game…”

That seems really stupid now, doesn’t it?
Almost as stupid as when the same organizations and Miss Horne stated that……
“The PAC 10 is the premier College Football Conference in the country”

EDITORS NOTE: Honestly…..
That still cracks me up……
Seriously Lisa GO to VEGAS you are hilarious!

So Back to Saint Pete…….
So all that rhetoric (and Books..) about loyalty and winning “forever”
Was as fake as the Lips and Boobs on most women (and Men…) in Southern California?
I hate to be the one to say this but…..

No need to thank me

But I do have one little question before we leave the topic of Southern California?
When ANY College or University in the South doesn’t interview a minority candidate for the head coaching position
The Good Reverend Jesse Jackson and his disgruntled minions will “march” and “protest” faster than you can say “We shall Overcome”.

But Southern California can hire Lame Kitten without (By their OWN admission) interviewing any minority candidates
And it’s just “Cool and the Gang” am I right?

EDITORS NOTE: If there is any prejudice in this country…..
It’s against the South…..
I for one am sick and tired of it…


So they chased the “Pirate” Coach Leach out of Lubbock?
Because a one time SMU Great and current television commentator’s son didn’t like how he was treated?
I also need to add, the Red Raiders fired the best coach they ever had without reviewing all the facts….and might I also say…….
(Unless I have missed something…)
No one has a right to play college football….
IF you don’t like something about your football program
(Players in Kansas are you listening?)
Then take your little cry baby fanny some placed where losing is fashionable and individual rights and “We are the World” is used as an anthem.

SO Who did the Red Raiders get to lead their proud football program?

The Texas Tech Athletic Department was looking for someone with
“Extensive experience at second tier schools”

And as you all know that was when Tommy “Ears” Tubberville showed up…

I have but this to say to my fine folks in Lubbock (Home of Buddy Holly)
Concerning your recent decisions

Good Luck, you are really going to need it….


Coach Rich Brooks retired as the Head Coach of the Wildcats………
Turning the reins of the program he revived over to the offensive coordinator Coach Joseph “Joker” Phillips.

Good Hire, good move….

It was time Coach….

For all the Big Blue Wildcat Fans out there let say….
Thanks for the memories…

You’re a class act Coach Brooks….

Good Luck to Coach Phillips too….
You will do just fine Coach…


The Cardinals of Louisville…

EDITORS NOTE: The above is in no way a reference to the Catholic Archdiocese of Louisville’s Softball team…

Hired the right man in Coach Charlie Strong….
The Cardinals will be tougher, more physical and faster than you have ever seen them…
That’s a promise…

And from a pure spectator perspective

The Battle for the Bluegrass just got really serious….


I didn’t want us to get away from the college football news without saying…

How about those Mighty Southern Methodist Mustangs winning their Bowl Game?
I am SO proud of those Ponies….
Coach June Jones….
Thank you


Ah one of my all time favorite topics…

I think it’s time I take the time to answer a question that many a Volunteer fan has asked me over the years.
And that is….
“Why do you make fun of us all the time?”

The answer to this not-so-perplexing question can be found in two places…

A recent headline from the Nashville Tennessean newspaper had this to say….

“UT football reaches a crossroads”
“New Tennessee football coach Derek Dooley promises “class” but can he deliver wins?”

EDITORS NOTE: So having a “Class” program isn’t as important as winning, right?

I hate to be the one to tell you this….

This is perhaps my favorite of all time…
I simply don’t have the words to explain it…
But it will answer the question of “Why I make fun of Volunteer fans”

This is an article from a semi major newspaper in Tennessee…..
(YES it’s real…)

I am speechless…enjoy.


“Where were you when Kiffin resigned?”

I can remember where I was when Martin Luther King was killed, Elvis died, Reagan was shot, the Space Shuttle blew up and Michael Jackson passed away.
After last week, I can add one more to the list: when Lane Kiffin resigned as coach of the Vols after one season.
Now, if you are reading this, you may wonder why that particular incident would even rank among others.
Well, honestly, if you are ranking them globally, it wouldn’t even be on the charts. But for those of us who are Vol fans, it was one of those moments.

We were actually sitting at a basketball game when the news came across our friend’s phone that Kiffin was leaving the University of Tennessee for Southern Cal. Within minutes, you could hear texts beeping, cells ringing and people talking. I had 15 texts and three phone calls within minutes of his resignation!

Once that news was digested came the speculation of who the new coach would be. That particular school of thought lasted until late last week when UT officials announced that Derek Dooley from Louisiana Tech had accepted the position. But between Kiffin quitting and Dooley accepting, there were an awful lots of songs, texts, emails, etc. mocking Kiffin and company circulating around Big Orange Country. The only person who probably wishes Kiffin had more of a national impact? Tiger Woods!

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously I am speechless…..
More on Lame Kitten and his 66 second resignation speech, his assistant coaches at Tennessee, his “Big Orange” budget, car accident and other misdemeanors later….

I have to re-read the above article again….


Have no fear Volunteer fans…
Coach Dooley appears to know his “football” stuff….
Here is a picture of your “new” coach when he was at Louisiana Tech instructing the field goal kicker where to kick the ball for a field goal.

And yet another picture of a drill he used with his players at Tech called….
“Guess what’s on my finger?”

Look at the bright side Volunteer Fans….

He’s not from California..


From the here we go again file…
Coach Jim Leavitt of the South Florida Bulls was dismissed as head football coach…
He founded the program….
Started it from scratch…

So another cry baby football player says he was “mistreated” and they fire the coach…

I have but one thing to say for those adults, kids and parents that believe the world revolves around them
and believes there is “fairness” and “justice” and all that horse crap in the world.

There isn’t any…
Life isn’t fair…

There is no real justice in this world, at least not most of the time.

And everybody isn’t equal, sorry.

The kid from South Florida that complained wouldn’t last 15 minutes in Tuscaloosa or Gainesville or Austin, believe it.

Congratulations to Coach Skip Holtz for taking over the Bulls in Tampa
Good Luck Coach…


Q: Dear Sir,

As Athletic director at the University of Tennessee…
I wanted to let you know that I have made a hire to fill our Head Coaching vacancy.
His name is Derek Dooley and I believe you could best characterize him as a “dream come true.”
He’s a rather slender lad, with brown hair, a quick smile, and medium build.
His penetrating eyes hold your attention as well as his firm hands, and supple buttocks.
I just want you to know that although I, er, we were jilted by the flighty, yet cherubic, Lane Kiffin, the hiring of young Derek was a rather thoughtful affair.
Please wish us luck as we begin a new era at the University of Tennessee.

Michael Hamilton
Athletic Director
University of Tennessee

P.S. I would also like to inform everyone that it is NOT true that I was recently under investigation for trying to solicit young boys in chat rooms.

A: One question Mr. Hamilton….
Are you in anyway related to the lady that wrote the above article
“Where were you when Kiffin resigned?”

Just wondering…

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
Everybody up here in Volunteer Country nose that you is afraid of the Great Coach Phil Fulmer!
So’s what did you think when you heard that Coach Phil Fulmer was
“standing up for the University of Tennessee” and help finding them a good football coach?
Amos – Pikeville, Tennessee

A: Amos the first thing I thought of when I heard Coach Phil Fulmer was “Standing up”

Somebody needs to alert Tokyo…

Q: Dear Sir
I’m just as proud as a peacock today!!!
My beloved University of Georgia Bulldawgs just got the a new Coach for the defense!!
His name is Coach Grantham and he hails from the Dallas Cowboys!!! Man!!!
I almost wet my pants when I heard that.
This is especially good news cause our Head Coach, Mr Mark Richt, was starting to have a complex.
See, he went out and tried to get him two or three other fellas to come over and coach our defensive fellas and they all said “no way, Jose.”
But, he did think he had that Smart fella from Alabama.
Some of neighbors down here did too.
Heck, they was so sure that the Smart guy was coming to Athens that they told me to go up to Tuscaloosa and sit in the airport and wait for that guy to come in to catch a plane to Athens and call them when he did.
See, they were going to give him a can of peaches and a sack boiled peanuts for a welcome gift.

Well, that Smart guy ended up not coming after all.
Can’t understand why. You know, winning a National Championship aint all that big anyway. Just asked Coach Richt.
Well, I gotta go. Make sure you watch my beloved Bulldawgs next year!!!
They might beat Flarda now that Tebows gone and Coach Meyers all depressed!!!

Lemual in Ludowici

A: Lemual…..I can’t believe Coach Smart didn’t go for the “Can of Peaches and a sack of Boiled Peanuts” as an enticement to come to Athens…
But your unbridled enthusiasm is infectious…

Q: Mister Wizard I just have to ask….
What was the greatest sound you heard after the National Championship game?
Was it “The University of Alabama are the National Champions?”
Ricky – Cottondale, Alabama

A: I really enjoyed hearing that Ricky…
It’s been a long time..

But perhaps what I enjoyed as much as hearing those words was hearing…..
Myles Brand screaming from Hell…..

Q: Dear Sir –
After reviewing articles you have written this college football season…
It is my duty to formally inform you that you are being investigated as an out of control booster
for the University of Alabama for your derisive and inflammatory comments about other member institutions and the highly regarded NCAA.
You have continuously and incessantly called for member institutions to “secede” from the NCAA…
You have been highly critical of the highly regarded coach of the University of Southern California Trojans, Pete Carroll…
and you have made derisive comments about everyone from the recently deceased President Myles Brandt, to the National Collegiate Athletic Association itself.
We feel that your obviously divisive views are a threat to this institution and it’s grand master plan of having USC, Notre Dame, or Ohio State win a National Championship.
Also, with our obvious due diligence of all southern universities, it is apparent that with you being a University of Alabama alumni and former athletic participant there…..
our plan will be to place the University of Alabama on probation, strip it of it’s recent national Championship, and restore the order of our grand master plan.
We will follow this notification with specific just and unbiased charges against you and your website within ten days

Dr. James Isch
Interim President

A: Before you make that decision Jimmy ..
Let me inform you the loud ticking you hear in your office “isn’t” the wall clock….

Now what were you saying about….
My beloved Number One University of Alabama Crimson Tide Football team again?

Q: Dear Sir,
As one of the most respected prognosticators and writers of college football in the nation..
I would like to submit this letter on my behalf to clear up any misconceptions on my immediate departure from the University of Southern California.

First of all, let me address the recent scandals that have been implied by the national media.
Mr Wizard, I really have no recollection of where Reggie Bush’s mother lives.
I really don’t.
I have only been in Southern California for a few years and barely know my way around Los Angeles.
So, you see, I wouldn’t know where to start should the best back in all of college football have taken an illegal benefit from a philanthropic entity that supports USC.
Also, since I don’t know where Mr Bush’s mother lives, I could not; in fact, self report a violation, had there been one.
Rest assured, I would have jumped on that like a flea on a dog had there been.

Also, as for allegations of wrongdoing by Mr McKnight, it is apparent that an unreliable source, the LA Times reporter, implicated him in the incident involving the alleged driving of a vehicle.
We all know how biased the media is when it comes to superb and outstanding college football players, in particular, those from Southern Cal.
Also, if he’d have been seen by anyone from the coaching staff, which he couldn’t have been since they weren’t looking, then we would have self reported.

Lastly, if you look at our roster after this season, then you’d understand why I feel it necessary to leave.
Honestly, we have no shot at anything more than 7-5, maybe 8-4.
It would not be a wise career move for me to stay and have to endure a mediocre season with a record like that.
I have built a reputation as a winner.
To coach a team that wasn’t in National Title contention would not boost my resume in any way and, therefore, could be a career “suicide” type situatio…
most ESPECIALLY in a weak conference like the PAC 10.
Let’s face it, Barkley isn’t what we thought he was, McKnight’s leaving as well as others, so, reluctantly and sadly, I must go.

I hope this clears up any misconceptions about my impending, already made, decision. I hope you will continue to pull for me as I try to further pad my resume in Seattle.

Pete Carroll
President & Coach, Seattle Seahawks

A: Coach Pete that’s about the closest to “honest” I ever heard from you….
Which still isn’t saying much….
But it’s a start…

Q: Mister Wizard you seemed almost apologetic that Alabama won the National Title in one of your articles, why?
Jay – Iola, Texas

A: Not really apologetic Jay….
At least that wasn’t my intent…
It’s like this…
I am really glad Alabama won and really sorry Texas had to lose…

I prefer beating somebody I hate…
And I have nothing but Love for the University of Texas…

So it’s like that..

Q: Mister Football Wizard yawl’s Alabama boys won a Championship, but at Tennessee our boys get more out of football than some damn old glass trophy.
You know what them boys get when they graduate from the University of Tennessee?
Dan – Maynardville, Tennessee

A: Let me guess….
An ankle tracker and a felony record?

Q: Hello! I am all set to attend the third annual Fanny Pack Lovers of America Convention in Pasadena California next month.
My local Chapter of Fanny Pack Lovers or “Pouch People” as we like to be call ourselves are all making the pilgrimage as a group.
At last years convention I entered the fashion show for in the category of “most original” in which I created a fanny pack decorated with Oreo’s that I carved in the likeness of Kenny Rogers.
Much to the dismay of the audience I came in second to Dale Farkas with his “tribute” Fanny Pack to Siegfried and Roy.
Any Who!
The reason I am writing you, do you think former Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weis would be a “guest” judge for our contest this year?
Also I ‘m a huge Duck Fan!
Go Quacks!
Skip – Portland, Oregon

A: Coach Charlie isn’t doing anything….
So I am sure he would be thrilled to be a “guest” judge!

Please contact him at “The Biggest Loser”……

More College football News in a couple of days….

Hope you have a great weekend…


The College Football Wizard

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10 Responses to College Football News and Views 2010 Edition

  1. kaye on January 24, 2010 at 11:16 am

    Finally I hear from you. This is one of my very favorite posts. Anxiously awaiting the follow up.

    Tuberville and Tech, ya gotta wonder.

    What’s a Kiffin anyway?

    I know a certain coach who is “worth every damn penny”!

  2. BamaPrincess on January 24, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    GASP!!! My mother said, I mean WROTE a baaad word!!! My image of her is now totally blown.

    So – Mr. Wizard – LOVE THIS COLUMN!!! Fell on the floor laughing when I read about Drooley, I mean Dooley!!!

    Take Care – we are so so so glad you are back!!!

    The BamaPrincess

  3. Esteemed Dr. Isch on January 25, 2010 at 11:49 pm

    Does anyone know who this guy is or where he lives?

    I am so PISSED!!

    I’m watching and I’ll find you Wizard guy.

    I swear to Myles Brand, I’ll find you….

  4. MEB on January 26, 2010 at 7:22 am

    My Dear Bama Princess I respectfully disagree…
    “Damn” is not a cuss word if it’s in the Bible and in “Gone with the Wind”

    I think that’s a rule….
    The CFB Wizard

  5. MEB on January 26, 2010 at 7:23 am

    Thank you so much Miss Kaye…
    There is more on the way……


    The CFB Wizard

  6. HOOTIE SNITCH on January 26, 2010 at 7:48 am

    Hey there Doctor of NCAA…
    I heard tale that ole boy was like Alabama’s version of Jack Bauer, so I would watch myself if I was you…also I heard he was part transformer, so he could be hiding anywhere in your damn office!

    Hootie – Out!

  7. BamaPrincess on January 29, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    Okay okay – I forgot that Damn isn’t a real cuss word – but you should hear what she yelled years ago when Bama blocked Penn State’s field goal!!! HAHAHHAHA



    The BamaPrincess

  8. MEB on January 31, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    NOW that IS FUNNY!


    The Wizard

  9. Bulldog Jim on August 3, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    B|AMA MIKE, I am really looking forward to this year and “can almost hear em” lining up for kick-off. I am ready for all your thoughts and jokes. Will visit with Maureen and Steve (Terps) this Thursday. Take care old pal, and watch out for “Maroon and White!” BJ

  10. Bulldog Jim on August 26, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    BAMA MIKE, Well a “Big Happy Day” for you—USC still taking “hits.” You had an impact on that situation and looks like some tough days for years for “Trojan Thugs.” A week from Saturday, “kick-off time.” Have a great year and much love, BJ

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