Ladies and Gentlemen –
Time to take a break from shopping and wrapping presents…
Forget about the tinsel and what to get Uncle Todd for Christmas for a minute or two.
Ignore your sibling bragging how your niece is a genius at 10 years old but everyone knows she eats her own boogers.
It is time for the most prestigious college football awards on the World Wide Web.
It’s time for the year end 2009 College Football Wizard Awards
(Please hold your applause)
Did I mention the awards are very prestigious?
BIG TEN COACH OF YEAR AWARD
Coach Rich Rod of Michigan
I don’t know if he deserves it…
But all the Coaches in the Conference voted for him, presumably because they just “Love” him.
THE POLITICALLY CORRECT (PC) AWARD
Unfortunately this is the world we live in….
So, in honor of this plague that has ruined our nation….
The Politically Correct Award of 2009
Goes to the resident King of PC in the epicenter of all that is Political Correctness
Enclosed is an illustrated example of why he won…..
The below is a photograph of the winner of the award
Choking the “Shiite” of an University Indian Mascot in front of a delegation of NCAA ratchet heads and liberal wussys.
MAO TSE TUNG WEEPING MONKEY AWARD
This award goes to those select people that miss the old dictatorship
The award goes to…….
The Myles Brand disciples of the NCAA
The runner up for this award goes to….
The idiots that “still” follow former Southeastern Conference Commissioner Roy Kramer
If you look up “gibbering jackass” in the dictionary
“See Roy Kramer”
THE RODNEY DANGERFIELD AWARD
The Award named after the late great Rodney Dangerfield
Is for the Player or Team that simply put, “Get’s no respect”.
The Winner is…..
Colt McCoy of the Mighty Texas Longhorns
He is only the winningest Quarterback in the History of College Football
His team has only lost one game in two years by a single second.
He only ran for 175 yards against the Texas Aggies….
Make no mistake he is a force….
The Runner-up for this Award
The Boise State Broncos
They just win and win a lot….
Didn’t they beat the PAC 10 Champion this year too?
EDITORS NOTE: It should be stated the “runner-up” award does not receive a trophy
Instead they will receive a number of coupons from Papa Johns Pizza.
SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE COACH OF THE YEAR AWARD
This award goes to “The Man” in T-Town…..
Coach Nick Saban of the Mighty Alabama Crimson Tide
THE 2009 CFB WIZARD LOTTERY WINNER
This award goes to Charlie Weis formerly of Notre Dame; for being given 10 million dollars just to quit coaching the Fighting Irish.
EDITORS NOTE: I wish I had a deal like that one.
Let me be sure I have this right….
If I really suck at this job you will pay me ten years worth of salary to quit?
THE AWARD FOR BEST SPORTS MOVIE OF THE YEAR
Coach Pete Carroll in “Probation” The Reggie Bush Story
It’s destined to be a classic
The runner up for this award in sports cinematography goes to……
Phil Fulmer in “Phil Fulmer and Krispy Kreme: A Love Story”
THE “I’M RUBBER AND YOUR GLUE” AWARD
This magnificent award goes to LeGarrette Blount of the Oregon Quacks.
This young football player put on a beautiful display of “I can dish it out but can’t take it”
after his team was defeated and he was manhandled like a ragdoll early in the season.
Young L-Bee talked mucho smack-O BEFORE the game but when it came to listening to a little payback trash afterward
he reacted like somebody had stolen his pacifier.
Nice hook, buddy. Too bad it might have coast you millions
MOST LIKELY TO BE DEFLOWERED IN THE HOOD AWARD
Mark May of ESPN wins this award hands down.
Mark’s street ‘cred’ ranks even farther down on the charts than his football analytical talent.
With no rhythm or colloquialisms to throw out during his meaningless banter with fellow analyst Lou “Lugie” Holtz,..
Marky Mark was a natural choice.
THE “SEE YOU ON SUNDAY” AWARD
This award goes to a player that is destined to play on Sundays……
The winner is Ryan Mallet Quarterback of the Arkansas Razorbacks.
This kid is crazy good….
The Runner-up for this Award
Shu Nama-ganahi-ziterada-siutyz-opga-grawsztu of the Nebraska Cornhuskers
That guy is good….
But his name goes all the way around his jersey.
Nobody can pronounce it.
THE BIG EAST COACH OF THE YEAR AWARD
“What’s his Name” at Pittsburg…..
“What’s his name” won since that self serving jackass from Cincinnati left his team in a lurch for the sunny confines of South Bend.
STEVIE WONDER AWARD
This award goes to the team or teams with the ugliest uniforms in all of college football.
The Winner of this Award continues to amaze….
They consistently conger up color combinations that would baffle a Color Blind person
For the eighth year in a row….
The Winner is the Oregon Ducks!
It is a proven medical fact
If you stare at their uniforms long enough you can actually go blind.
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN AWARD
This award goes to two organizations that have an “unnatural” affection for one another.
The winners are….
The University of Southern California Trojans and the NCAA
You two make such a cute couple.
ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE COACH OF THE YEAR
Dabo Swinney of the Clemson Tigers…..
Not only is he an Alabama product….
He deserves it for bringing the Tigers back from the brink
THE LOYALTY AND INTEGRITY AWARD
This award goes to Brian Kelly
For ditching his undefeated Cincinnati Bearkats and a Sugar Bowl berth to play the Mighty Florida Gators…..
For his “dream job” in South Bend.
Thank you Coach Kelly for giving us all another reason to hate Notre Dame.
Welcome to Loserville Jackass…
THE PYRAMID SCHEME AWARD sponsored by AMWAY
This award goes to the organization that makes billions and billions of dollars
and their work force not only doesn’t get paid, and there is actually a cap on how much they are “allowed” to make during the year.
The winner of the award (again) is the NCAA……
The Runner for the Award is the……
The NIKE Corporation…
Got to love that cheap underage age Asian labor, am I right?
BIG 12 COACH OF THE YEAR
Coach Bo of Nebraska…..
I told you they would be a force to be reckoned with…
No need to thank me…
THE DRUNKEN CRACK WHORE AWARD
This prestigious award goes to
Person or persons or organizations that spend money like there is no tomorrow
This year after careful deliberations and recounting the numerous ballots
it has been determined the winner or winners (if you will) of this prestigious award ends in a tie.
The “Winners” of this award are….
The NCAA and the United States Congress……
EDITORS NOTE: Look at the bright side….
At least the NCAA is spending money that actually “have”
THE MISTER MAGOO AWARD
For the first time in a number of years…..
This award, which is reserved for teams or organizations that turn a blind eye to wrong doing…..
Does not go to the University of Tennessee Volunteers.
EDITORS NOTE: I know I was shocked too
The winner of this award goes to a person “and” an organization.
To the Commissioner of the PAC 10 Conference
and Athletic Director Mike “Hear No Evil, See No Evil” Garret of the University of Southern California Trojans
for refusing and ignoring the numerous infractions committed by the Trojan athletic department.
I will have something out for you all tomorrow afternoon
Just in time for Christmas…
So stay tuned….