Hey Yawl!
It’s Hootie Snitch!
The Number damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!
There has been a lot happening!
The Tennessee Vols is State Champions!
Hell Yeah!
Also I got some Big News about my brand damn new place “Snitch’s”
It’s in a previously owned double wide just off the bypass
Right here in Baneberry Tennessee…
It is freaking awesome!
I even got me some emails to answer too
And it wouldn’t be Christmas without a surprise now would it?
Ole Hootie got yawl a surprise that Alabama guy don’t know nothing about..
So kick off your shoes and make yourself at home…
TENNESSEE VOLS and the NCAA
So them damn Yankees don’t like the University of Tennessee having some “hostesses”?
You want to know why?
I am fixing to tell you
Cause all them gals up north…..
don’t shave their legs or arm pits and wear perfume that smells like bug repellent.
Not to mention they always have about ten layers of clothes on cause it’s always cold enough up there to freeze a brass monkey.
They is prejudice that we got all the good looking women down South.
That’s what it is….
So I say lets send them a bunch of them Lady Schick razors, a bushel basket of makeup
And some perfumes that don’t smell like cat urine and see if that don’t improve the scenery up there.
SNITCH’S BAR & GRILL
You might notice I put the “Bar and Grill” behind the name of my new place.
It sounds classy don’t it?
I did that because I got a “Bar” and I “grill” the best damn Possum wings in the county!
So it just kind of made sense.
Plus I ain’t got no “infringement” problems like I did with them Hooter’s people
Anyways….
I had the Grand Opening a few weeks ago and guess who showed up?
Go ahead and guess!
Guess again!
I’ll tell you!
Only the greatest Coach ever to wear an Orange!
Coach Phil Fulmer himself!
He showed up cause everybody knows he’s a Snitch…..
And I heard he was part Ratt on my momma’s side too!
Coach even helped us string some lights outside of the new place
And decorate our tree Christmas tree!
It’s awesome as hell ain’t it!
Coach Phil even “Volunteered” (get it!) to be the Santa at Snitch’s
Because folks coming in here to get their “Drink on” with their kids in tow, need something to keep them young’uns occupied.
But we had us an incident so that didn’t pan out…
This one kid come in with his momma, he was about six years old
He smelled like wet cotton candy and baloney….
And before I could say “Tennessee Volunteers are Number Damn One!”
Coach Phil had a hold of that little boy and was fixing to eat him….
I don’t blame Coach Phil; he’s got what they call a sugar condition.
But before I give you yawls Christmas Surprise…
I got do something for my partners in crime
This here is a picture of my two running partners Skeeter and Tater
Folks around here call us the “Three Amigo’s” and some people think them boys look like Brad Pitt and that Clooney fellow.
I figured it wouldn’t hurt to put a picture of them in here for Christmas.
That’s them taking a break on the front porch of Snitch’s when we was fixing it up
Merry Christmas Boys!
One more thing…
If any of yawl is still looking for that “special” gift for Christmas
Come on down to “Snitch’s” for some gift certificates!
I got certificates for Possum Wings and Barbequed Muskrat nuggets!
If yawl is wondering if my food is any good?
Look no further than the Baneberry Health Department
They come by and inspected my place and gave me a “D” for Delicious!
And don’t forget to check out the website of my favorite Gift Shop!
The International Tow Truck Hall of Fame Museum Hall of Fame and Gift Shop!
If you is real lucky you might find a shirt like this one!
HOOTIE’S CHRISTMAS SURPRISE
I promised yawl a Christmas surprise and I bet you can’t guess what it is?
Go ahead and guess!
Guess again!
I’ll tell you!
At the “Grand Opening” of Snitch’s I invited everybody on my dating site
“Disharmony Dot Com”
And guess who showed up?
Bet you can’t guess?
The Sister-in-Law of the Alabama guy that writes this here column!
She rode down from Kentucky with some other gals and let me tell you something,,,
That gal has got the personality of a jackass eating briars!
But I done went and got a picture of her!
She told me she combs her back like that to cover them “calcium deposits”
And believe it or not…somewhere underneath all that hair is a tube top.
HOOTIES EMAIL
Q: Dear Sir –
My wife and I are traveling to Volunteer Country during Christmas to see the beauty of the Mountains,
and I have a question that I hope you can help us out with.
We understand that shouting “Ho Ho Ho!” has an entirely different meaning in Volunteer Country is that true?
We certainly wouldn’t want offend anyone.
The Dillon’s- Cincinnati, Ohio
A: You ain’t got to be all formal! Just call me Hootie…
Anyways….
I don’t know about offended anybody….
But if you come in the door of Snitch’s and shout “Ho Ho Ho!”
Every woman in the place will turn around….
I like to think of it as an ice breaker…
Q: Hey Hootie!
The Boys and I at the plant have a question for you.
Two questions actually.
One: Do you have a jute box in your new place?
Two: What kind of tunes do you have on it?
We are thinking about making a road trip to see you during the holidays!
Thanks!
The Boys – Winchester, Tennessee
A: Winchester Tennessee!
That’s Only the Hometown of Coach Phil Fulmer!
That place is like my “Graceland”!
Well Boys, I ain’t got a jute box yet, but it’s a coming..
So right now I got me a one of them CD Players from Wal Mart and
Somebody “burned” me a CD with four songs on it that I play religiously
1. Rocky Top (Hell Yeah!)
2. Jeremiah was a Bullfrog, by Three Dogs in the Night
3. Love Shack, by some group named after a plane in the Air Force
4. Stand By your Man by the Queen of Country Music Tammy Wynette
And I went and bought me a CD with them Dogs a Barking all the Christmas songs!
Yawl came on down I’ll be looking for you!
Q: We have had one whole season under our belt with the “new” Coach of Tennessee.
So what do you think Hootie?
Gerald “Jerry” – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee
A: I’ll tell you Jerry…
That Lame Kitten has done a pretty good job, I mean..
We ain’t won the State Championship of Tennessee in a long time…
And we is going to a Bowl game…Which we hadn’t done for a while neither.
But I believe that was due to Coach Phil’s sugar condition is why we ain’t gone to one
I heard flying makes it act up.
Q: Dear Mister Snitch
At the risk of requiring therapy perhaps you can answer a question
And settle a bet we have in the office.
What do you want for Christmas this year?
Holly – Platte City, Missouri
A: Well Hello Miss Lady! And thank you for asking
I want what I asked for last year and the year before that….
To meet a deaf mute supermodel that owns her own chain of liquor stores..
Hope Yawl all have a very Merry Christmas and Kick Ass New Year!
Yawl come see me at Snitch’s, autographs are Free for the Ladies!
Hootie – Out!