BREAKING NEWS

November 24, 2009
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

I interrupt the “Iron Bowl” edition for important late breaking college football news

Please accept this news release for widest dissemination:

Great News for Irish Fans
Released by University of Notre Dame Athletics

Rise up Irish fans!
A new day is dawning.
Recently Northeastern University announced it was going to drop its storied football program.
This would create a void and imbalance in the powerful Colonial Athletic Association standings.
What better way to restore the “program” to those glory days of yesterday…….
Than moving up to Division I-AA’s Colonial Athletic Association!!
We’ve seen turmoil, angst, and much gnashing of teeth lately, and frankly, it needs to stop.
With many options on the table and after careful consideration……
Notre Dame Athletics has decided to accept the invitation of CAA to join its illustrious ranks!!
With such bellwethers as Hofstra, Rhode Island, & James Madison the competition will be stiff.
But, before long, with Charlie Weiss leading his innovative offense…….
We could very well capture the CAA crown and make a run for an FCS championship!!!
Who wants to play in an antiquated and, frankly, quite biased BCS system………
When we can be involved in an actual PLAYOFF for a NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP!!!
People all over have clamored for years for a playoff.
Well, YOU’RE WISH HAS COME TRUE…..TODAY!!!
And before the naysayers jump & scream, remember this……..
Appalachian State has beaten Michigan about as many times as we have lately.

Released by permission of Notre Dame Athletics

NotreDame_Logo3

Mark May Recovering from Near Death Experience

ESPN studio analyst Mark May is apparently recovering from an alleged attack….
from former Notre Dame Coach and fellow analyst Lou Holtz
It was reported that after the final gun sounded for the Notre Dame / Connecticut matchup on Saturday that Holtz apparently went into sputum & phlegm laced spastic convulsive fit which, unfortunately, nearly drowned May in a green gooey slime-like substance.
May, visibly shaken, and clearly unconscious was rushed to a nearby hospital where he was given antibiotics and an alcohol bath and placed in intensive care.
He was removed from the ICU on Monday morning and talked to his lawyer.
Counsel has stated that May will pursue a civil suit against Holtz for reckless endangerment. “You know, it’s flu season,” stated May’s lawyer. “You’ve got regular flu, swine flu, hell, there’s no telling what could have been in that snot rocket that Holtz launched. Maybe even the kangaroo flu and who knows what was in that gunk.”
Analysts keeping an eye on the situation state that May has a good case and that he had warned ESPN for years of the possibility of just this type of episode.

Jimmy Clausen Cold Cocked at Club

Notre Dame Quarterback Jimmy “Glass Jaw” Clausen was decked while at a South Bend eatery last night.
The perpetrator allegedly took offense to the Irish being beaten once too many times this season.
Although investigators have yet to pinpoint the violent criminal who decked Jimmy, Oregon’s famed Running Back LeGarrette “Big Blow” Blount has not been ruled out as a suspect.
Witnesses say the suspected jabber was quite large, wearing a Notre Dame jersey, and had eye black under his eyes with “UCONN? and R U KIDDING?” printed upon it. Rumors are running rampant around the Notre Dame campus that it was one of the 33 seniors that embattled head coach Charlie Weiss referred to in a post game news conference.

However the “good” news is this isn’t as embarrassing…….
As Jimmy’s latest foray into the reality series market, please see the flyer below.
NDCLAUSEN

If the news from South Bend wasn’t bad enough, your favorite college football prognosticator has intercepted a transmission intended for the President of Notre Dame, the contents of which I share with you now…

Jackie Boy,
I usually don’t get involved with our Flagship University over in the states, but, now I must.
I mean; what the hey?
For the love of Mother Mary, what are you doing over there?
You must understand that you’re giving all of us here in the church a black eye.
I thought you knew what you were doing when you got this guy but all he’s doing is eating us out of house and home.
Holy Mother Teresa, you’ve got to do something.
We put up with the minority hire, Ty Willingham.
Now we’re putting up with this horizontally challenged hire, Charlie Weiss.
Whatever you do, just hire a normal coach. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
For the love of Peter, we got beat by a color!! Who’s afraid of a color?
I could see it if Stanford’s mascot was an actual cardinal, like a bird or one of my underlings running around here at the Vatican.
But, you got beat by a color!!! And the symbol is a tree!!! Whoever heard of a red tree?
Look, we’ll front the money for the buyout like the last couple of times, but, for the love of the almighty, get us a coach that might be able to actually coach. Saturday evenings are pretty sad.
We’re getting beaten by a bunch of protestants. Ooooooh, the inhumanity of it all.
Signed
John Paul II
Pope

Your regularly scheduled programming will resume tomorrow with the “Iron Bowl” edition
and following that the Week 13 College Football Picks.

RTR
MEB

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