Black Monday

September 28, 2009

Ladies and Gentlemen –

I hope that you did not see the unspeakable tragedy that took place on Saturday.
For those of you with children that witnessed the horror
I can only pray the therapy bills will not be too expensive
and the little ones will overcome the scars of what their young impressionable eyes saw that day.

Who would have thought something so terrible would be witnessed on live television.

For those of you that are not familiar with the terrible turn of events that took place this past Saturday
I will briefly describe them for you, because they are too awful to have a visual image available on this forum.

The scene was the CBS pregame College Football Sports Studio in New York City
A young lady, Samantha Ryan was the “host” of the program, along with Brian Jones and former Tennessee Coach Phil Fulmer.

Until the toxicology report is released we won’t know for sure….
But it appeared from the outset of the program that Phil Fulmer was particularly agitated..
Some have speculated that this was caused from “coming down” off an extensive Krispy Kreme “high”.
Others have stated this was the result of long term bingeing on Bear Claws and other assorted goodies from said donut franchise.

None the less
What transpired was of such a heinous nature that I will have difficulty accurately portraying the events as they unfolded.

As the program progressed and the various games of the day discussed…
Eventually the topic turned to the CBS College Football Game of the Week.

The University of Arkansas at The University of Alabama

As Ms Ryan and Brian Jones discussed the game, Phil Fulmer became visibly aggravated and uncomfortable, particularly when the two discussed Coach Nick Saban and the success of the Crimson Tide.

In an attempt to get Coach Fulmer involved in the conversation about the Arkansas – Alabama game…..
The two tried to encourage Phil Fulmer to say something “nice” or “positive” about the University of Alabama.

At first Phil Fulmer appeared as a petulant child crossing his arms, sticking his lower lip out and shaking his head back and forth as if he were five years old and being asked to take his cough syrup.

While Phil was pouting and looking as if he was going to cry
Brian Jones looked across the studio and shrugged his shoulders at the director, as if to say, “I don’t know what’s going on”
Then all hell broke loose….

Phil Fulmer went into a rage that hasn’t been seen since the release of Jurassic Park

Before anyone on the set or in the studio could react, Phil Fulmer attacked Ms Ryan like a crazed Tyrannosaurus. At first chewing only her head, but then attempted to devour her entire anorexic model like body, all the while manically screaming….
“Get in my Belly!”

I can still hear the screams in my sleep…

Fortunately for Ms. Ryan an Animal Control Officer that just gotten off work was in the studio audience and through his quick actions was able to fire over a dozen tranquilizing darts into Phil Fulmer, thus saving Ms Ryan’s life and the reputation of CBS Sports.

I feel like the reporter that witnessed the crash of the Hindenburg….

I can still see Phil’s foaming mouth and protruding belly flopping around the CBS Sports Studio as he grasped for Ms Ryan’s ankles with his meaty claw like hands.

O’ The Humanity!

No word yet on the condition of Ms Ryan or Mr. Jones who was visibly distraught
or Coach Phil Fulmer who is currently being held at the Bronx Zoo undergoing further testing

Later this week
I will have news on Florida State’s quest to be the Fifth Best team in the State of Florida
and a recap of the weekend’s games.

And as always….
Your College Football Picks for Week 5

So stay tuned…


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4 Responses to Black Monday

  1. wally on September 28, 2009 at 4:16 pm

    I’ve looked but can’t find a video anywhere on this. Do you know if it’s on youtube or somewhere else? thanks

  2. The BamaPrincess on September 29, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    Dang! I missed it!!!

    The BamaPrincess

  3. MEB on September 29, 2009 at 5:05 pm

    It was horrible!

    I am so glad you didn’t see it!


  4. HOOTIE SNITCH on September 29, 2009 at 6:31 pm

    It weren’t his fault!

    I know for a damn fact that Coach Phil has a chronic case of Count Choc-u-litce
    It ain’t nothing to sneeze at neither!

    So don’t be a making fun of him!

    Hootie !

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