Weekly College Football News

September 1, 2009

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Before we kickoff the 2009 College Football Season this week…
We have a few things to discuss…

We have some college football news and some of your College Football Kickoff Email Question and Answers.
Look at this segment as a warm-up before the opening game…
Minus the jumping jacks and all the sweating..



The NCAA has finally cleared Volunteer running back Bryce Brown to play football.
The “investigation” was reported to have begun last season when Brown was still in high school and the controversy was concerning his reported dealings with a person handling his recruitment.

EDITORS NOTE: Let me be sure that I understand this correctly…
The NCAA has enough “investigators” that they can trail a high school player and stalk Alabama football players on fishing trips, but they can’t seem to find Reggie Bush’s momma’s house?

MICHIGAN: This past weekend….
The Detroit Free Press reported that several wolverine football players have stated that Coach Rod and his staff routinely violate NCAA rules in regard to time limits on practice and football related activities.
Players from the 2008 and 2009 teams told the Detroit Free Press for a story published on the newspaper’s Web site on Saturday that the amount of time they spend on football activities during the season and in the offseason greatly exceeds the limits. The players spoke to the newspaper on condition of anonymity because they feared repercussions from coaches.

As you might imagine…
Coach Rod and Michigan Compliance Director Judy “Which way did they go?” Van Horn had a different perspective.
“We know the practice and offseason rules and we stay within the guidelines,” Rodriguez’s statement reads. “We follow the rules and have always been completely committed to being compliant with all NCAA rules.”
“During the season, the NCAA limits ‘countable’ practice activities to 20 hours per week,” Van Horn’s statement reads. “There are activities that don’t count, such as rehab and getting taped. We educate our coaching staffs and student-athletes [in all sports] to keep everyone informed of the rules. Also, compliance and administrative staff conduct in-person spot checks of practice during the academic year and summer.
We have not had any reason to self-report any violations in this area with any of our sports.”

EDITORS NOTE: Now that we have an “issue” north of the Ohio River it will be interesting to see how fast the NCAA is going to move on this one..

MICHIGAN II: In an effort to draw attention away from his recent shenanigans…
Coach Rod stated this past week that he wants pre-season games to be added to the NCAA college football schedule to help them prepare for the upcoming season.

EDITORS NOTE: Hey Coach Rod…
There is a place where they have Pre-Season Football games…
It’s called the N-F-L…dumbass.

FLORIDA STATE: You have to hand it to the Seminoles…
Like their namesakes they will not yield and they will not surrender.

As you may already know….
Judge John Copper ruled the NCAA must release all documents related to the investigation into Florida State University to comply with the State of Florida Law regarding open records.

The Judge’s decision wasn’t personal….
It was to comply with the law of the state of Florida

Yet, the attorney representing the NCAA…
Ms Linda Salfrink, lashed out at Florida State over the ruling stating..
“If they (Florida State University) don’t want to follow the rules, they don’t need to be a member.”

The Tallahassee Democrat emailed NCAA spokesperson Stacey Osburn several times asking if Salfrink’s statement represented the organization’s official stance.
Osburn has yet to reply…..

Joe Jacquot, the Chief of Staff for Florida Attorney General Bill McCollum said this is not a matter of FSU having a choice between state law and the NCAA rules.

“Absolutely they have to follow the state law,” Jacquot said. “In the end, the state law, the public records law, is there to protect Florida institutions and the Florida people.”

EDITORS NOTE: So the NCAA doesn’t feel like it has to comply with state laws..
But everybody must submit to their rules, is that about it?

My friends, it is time we do exactly what attorney Linda Skank Face said….
We don’t need to be members…

It’s time we secede from this one sided dictatorship…..
Coach Bobby, can I get an Amen?

OKLAHOMA: This past week….
The Sooners reported a handful of minor NCAA rules violations, mostly dealing with what the university describes as inadvertent phone calls or text messages by various coaches.

The Associated Press obtained documents on Friday detailing the secondary violations through an open records request.

EDITORS NOTE: So the NCAA didn’t have a problem with the “Open Records” law in Oklahoma? Makes you wonder what the NCAA is hiding in the Florida State “investigation, doesn’t it?

GEORGIA: My Dear Bulldog faithful….
It’s time to get your Media Guide in order in regard to scores of last years games..
You know what I am talking about…
I have too much respect for Lewis to say their name…
But you have to do the right thing.

ALABAMA: The NCAA is reported to be “investigating” the University of Alabama football program over three players going fishing with one of the player’s next door neighbor.

Yes, I am serious….

But let me answer your questions now…
The gentleman that took the boys fishing was not an alumni or a booster of the University of Alabama.
The gentleman that took the boys fishing has never attended nor do any of his children attend the University of Alabama.
The gentleman that took the boys fishing was in no way connected in any way with the University of Alabama.
The gentleman that took the three boys fishing was a next door neighbor to the parents of one of the players he took fishing.
That’s it…..

EDITORS NOTE: So the NCAA is concerned about when and where Alabama Football Players go fishing, but they aren’t concerned about New Era Sports Agents at U$C?

My Friends you know how I feel….
Secede from the NCAA now…..

ESPN: You may have heard…
This past week Coach Lou Holtz picked the Notre Dame Fighting Irish to play the Florida Gators for the National Championship and subsequent Glass Football in Pasadena California in January 2010.

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t know what Coach Lou has been drinking….
But I do know that it will make you crazy as hell….

OKLAHOMA STATE: I never thought I would be saying this….
The Cowboys from Stillwater have abandoned one of their traditions….

It’s true…..
The Cowboys have entered Boone Pickens Stadium to Aerosmith blaring “Back in the Saddle Again” since the song was released back in the 70’s.

In fact, enjoy the video below of their “Old” Entrance before we continue this discussion.

Now the administration wants to change all that….

John Martin, who happens to be a graduate of Baylor University…
Wrote “Cowboys Forever” and somehow sold the idea to the University Administration to replace the Aerosmith opening with this ridiculous Disney / Jonas Brothers / Country Pop crap.

The words to the song alone are enough to make me retch….


The prairie wind touches our skin
Another maverick morning begins
Wild west eyes rise before the sun
We are young guns on the run
Hang’em high, pistols to the sky
We ride, we ride, ‘cross the line
It’s in our veins
The feel of the reins
.45’s, chaps, bandannas and spurs
We are cowboys forever
Stay here today, gone tomorrow
The open range is our home
All that we own lives inside our soul
We are cowboy to the bone
Hang’em high, pistols to the sky
We ride, we ride, ‘cross the line
It’s in our veins
The feel of the reins
.45’s, chaps, bandannas and spurs
We are cowboys forever
Riding Bullet across the plains
To avenge our kin’s blood and name
In bedlam we will rise and stand
With strength and honor to defend our land
Hang’em high, pistols to the sky
We ride, we ride, ‘cross the line
It’s in our veins
The feel of the reins
.45’s, chaps, bandannas and spurs
We are cowboys forever
We are, we are
Cowboys forever

Go to www.johnmartinlive.com/lyrics/

And listen for yourself…..

Are we to believe this was meant to inspire the crowd?
Is this intended to get the team motivated when they come out of the tunnel and hit the field?

This has caused a great deal of hate and discontent with Cowboy fans across the nation.
And I can’t blame them….

But thank God for college students….
Enjoy the brief parody of “Cowboys Forever” produced by some college students in Stillwater…
It is priceless….

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS: In the immortal words of Gomer Pyle…
“Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!”

Without ever playing a down thus far in the season the Trojan loving writers of the College Football News have decided that the U$C Trojans will play in the National Championship game…

EDITORS NOTE: Keep in mind…
These are the same guys…
That back in the 80’s would argue that Boy George and George Michael weren’t gay…..
Bet they still have their posters hanging in their mom’s garage..
Enough said…

When I am wrong I admit it…
In the College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza I named a number of college football “commentators” that were “the worst in all of college football.”
Then I got the news last week..
That in the CBS pregame college football studio will be none other than…
Fat Phil Fulmer…

Enough said…
My apologizes to all the names mentioned in my earlier article.

EDITORS NOTE: Notable exception to the above apology: Pam Ward of ESPN.

There is no truth to the rumor that NASA is going to use Fat Phil Fulmer’s ass to plug the depleted ozone layer in the earth’s atmosphere.
This is an ugly rumor….
I know for a fact that NASA doesn’t have a rocket big enough to accomplish the mission.
I hope this has cleared up any misunderstanding.

NCAA: You have time to watch high school kids play football and hide in the bushes while football players are fishing with their neighbors, but after four damn years you still can’t tell us anything about the Reggie Bush and Southern California Trojan Investigation?

EDITORS NOTE: If you think I am going to let this go…
You got another thing coming…

ESPN II: As a side note….
I hope we see Lee Corso on ESPN Gameday in Atlanta this weekend..
You better be there coach, it won’t be the same without you.

Pre-Season Kickoff Email Questions & Answers

Q: Mister Wizerd –
We presented our pertetions to you concerning takin that Hootie Snitch off-n your website. He is a makin all the Tennesse Vol fans look straight up inorant!
Everybody done went an signed it in our town, even Herbert Moore, he’s the mayor.
So, please take that Hootie Snitch often the website before he makein us Vol fans look any more stupid and dumb than he already has.
Sinserely –
Claudette and Gladis Hogwaller – Briar Switch, Tennessee

A: Honestly, I am speechless.

Q: I write you again because I no hear back from you.
This is Ding Dung and we want NCAA to change military academies mascots!
Where address to write to NCAA!
Military Mascots make us feel demeaned and make us think on bad times in Vietnam.
How you send NCAA address to me?
Ding Dung – San Francisco, California

A: What is this National Illiteracy Week?

Q: Your racist banter is out of line and clearly out of touch with today’s climate.
You don’t understand that people of all races and creeds and color, religion or sexual identity have an equal place in our world.
There is simply no place for racist rants such as yours in our world.
If you do not want to be boycotted by our organization I suggest you make a drastic change to your content in future writings.
“Our Harmony is Our Dream”
Gay and Lesbian Alliance – Los Angles, California

A: O.K, you want sensitive? I’ll give you sensitive..
So a Lesbian, and Arab and a Rabbi walk into this bar…

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard –
So I hear your “friend” President Myles Brand has pancreatic cancer.
I didn’t know a gerbil could get to the pancreas from the rectum.
Dr. Paul – Charleston, South Carolina

A: Well Doctor Paul….
Myles has had his head up there since he was President of Indiana University…
So I would imagine you could fit a Buick up there by now…

Q: Mike, I have a question that I hope you can answer for me.
Baseball has a “Field of Dreams”, does football have anything like that?
Debbie – Mobile, Alabama

A: Football does have a “Field of Dreams” Debbie…
It’s in a little town called Parkersburg Iowa….
They call it Ed Thomas Field….

Your Week One College Football Picks will be out tomorrow morning…
So stay tuned…


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5 Responses to Weekly College Football News

  1. Kaye on September 1, 2009 at 11:27 am

    Thanks….great Tue. morning read

  2. MEB on September 2, 2009 at 7:32 am

    Thank you Miss Kaye!


  3. The BamaPrincess on September 9, 2009 at 5:34 pm

    Hmm . . . I thought Cowboys Forever was the theme song for the Gay and Lesbian Alliance?

  4. MEB on September 9, 2009 at 6:55 pm

    Now that made me spill my coffee!



  5. Norman Lamphier on December 19, 2010 at 11:23 am

    Top-notch info it is without doubt. We have been searching for this update.

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