College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza Part III

August 14, 2009

Ladies and Gentlemen –

I present….
The long awaited final installment of the College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza….

In this edition we will catch up on news from around the college football world and examine a number of hallowed College Football Traditions….

I will explain the AP Pre-Season Top 25 in College Football and tell you who will be in Pasadena on January 2010.

And as always we have your Pre-Season Email Questions and Answers



I am aware that having a Gary Busey quote embedded in the Pre-Season Extravaganza has little to do with College Football.
Since this was introduced a couple of weeks ago I have been overwhelmed with emails requesting more.

My dear fans I hear you….

Your Gary Busey quote of the week…..

“It’s good for everyone to understand that they are to love their enemies, simply because your enemies show you things about yourself you need to change.
So in actuality enemies are friends in reverse.”

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t feel bad…..
I didn’t get it either…


As we all know by now, Coach Pete Carroll of U$C Trojan Fame has written or co-authored a number of books detailing his success in coaching college football with U$C.

There is…..
“Winning Forever…”

And my personal favorite….
“Cheating in College Football for Dummies”

And then there is Coach Pete’s latest book entitled…..
“Always Compete”


I have on good authority that the following excerpts were removed from the book just prior to printing…..

The particular section in question deals with Coach Pete’s “prankster” side or as his publicist stated, “This particular section of the book illuminates Coach Pete’s wonderful sense of humor and shows his “down to earth” side.”

Being a real jokester, Pete loves to pull pranks on people. Well, almost always, sometimes those little pranks just don’t work out.

During the 2006 season, Pete thought it would be funny to put a potato in the tailpipe of Reggie Bush’s 1996, souped up Chevy Impala that was allegedly paid for by New Age Sports. Reggie comes out of the dorm after a long “study” session, pimped out in a fur coat, wide brimmed fedora, two hot babes on each arm, and a smile showing a grill that would make Diamonds-r-us proud. He plops the two well endowed Chiquita’s in the front seat, swings around to the driver’s side door, and pops in. Reggie turns the car over and nothing happens. Pete and a couple of assistant coaches are behind some shrubbery, watching the scene unfold, and giggling like a couple of prepubescent school girls. Again, Reggie tries to start his prized hot rod and, again, no love. He turns the ignition one more time, presses down hard on the accelerator with his stacked leather Gucci shoes, and BLAM!!!! The potato shoots out of the tailpipe like a .45 caliber round out of a handgun, zips toward the shrubbery, and catches Coach Pete right between the eyes!! Reggie jumps out of the car with urine stained trousers, sees his head coach with potato embedded in his forehead, assistant coaches howling, and begins a profanity laden tirade. He begins to sprint toward the Coach but its too late, Carroll and crew gone in an instant.

What a jokester.

Then there was the time that Pete’s friend Myles Brand was in town. When those two get together, well, let’s say the results are unpredictable. Myles is well known for having more than a few late night toddies before bedtime. Back in 2007, Pete decided it would be fun to add a little Ex Lax to the good NCAA Presidents Scotch. Not willing to stop there, Pete snuck into Myles guest quarters on the beautiful USC campus and glued the bathroom doors shut. Again, Pete and the coaching staff were hidden in the shrubbery outside, peering in the window to Myles’ study waiting for the special elixir to work its magic. Sure enough, after a couple of drinks, Myles begins to squirm in his seat, then jumps up, and rushes to the bathroom. Whoops!! He can’t unlock the door!! Needless to say, Myles not only did the Texas two step out into the frigid night air and into the back yard, but he barely made it off the back porch before an explosion erupted from his nether reaches, blowing his pajamas out clean down to his knees. Not a pretty sight. Pete & the coaches jumped out of the bushes and a startled Myles rolled backwards into the putrid pile he had just expelled while all had tons of belly laughs. Myles, more than a little rankled, promised Pete that he’d get his revenge.
And so he did, hence the OJ Mayo investigation.

Yes, Pete Carroll has quite the sense of humor.


NCAA FASHION POLICE: In case you haven’t heard….

The NCAA Fashion Police are at it again…..

They have docked the Clemson Tigers two preseason practices for wearing “improper attire” at its first two workouts last week.
NCAA rules say players can only wear jerseys and shorts during the five-day acclimatization period.
However, the Tigers wore long, compression shorts with padding on the top, referred to as girdles.
Pictures of Clemson players in the “improper” shorts are on the Clemson athletic Web site.
Coach Dabo Swinney says the team did not knowingly break the rule, considered a secondary violation by the NCAA.
A second practice scheduled for Monday was canceled. The Tigers will work out just once Friday after originally scheduling two sessions.
Swinney referred to the matter as “Girdlegate.”
Athletic spokesman Tim Bourret said no other penalties are involved.

EDITORS NOTE: So Clemson players can’t wear compression shorts…
But U$C players can wear thongs to practice….
Yeah that makes perfect sense to me now….

U$C: Last week the Trojan Times reported that one time Arkansas transfer and heir apparent to the Trojan quarterback franchise Mitch Mustain was experiencing what was described as “academic issues” and was ineligible for the season opener against San Jose State.

Then magically…..
This week….

(Insert your favorite magician special effect noises here)

He is cleared!
That compliance department at U$C works faster than Ernest Angely!

Coach Pete Carroll reported that Mitch was cleared to play and practice…
Since neither Pete nor the Trojan Times had any additional information on how the process took place or what the initial issues were…

EDITORS NOTE: So the compliance department at U$C can figure this issue out at light speed….
But they can’t find Reggie Bush’s momma’s house?
So how is that “investigation” going into Reggie Bush while he was with the Trojans?

MIAMI: Excited Hurricane Football Fans have written me asking for “more information” concerning the “Hurricane Fan Packs” that will be issued at upcoming home games in the “new” cane Stadium.

Enclosed is a snapshot of one lucky fan with his new Hurricane “grill”….


FLORIDA STATE: Many of you have written me recently and asked if Coach Bobby is “still recruiting”?
I have on good authority that he has been actively recruiting this offseason.
In fact!
Here is a picture of Coach Bobby “recruiting” at a local Florida Penitentiary.

CHATTANOOGA: “Racist Shoe U”….

CLEMSON: I am just glad the Tigers weren’t wearing racist shoes with their compression shorts….
Then there would have been REAL trouble!

SOUTH CAROLINA: The national sports media wants to make a ruckus over Coach Steve’s apparent lack of concern over voting in the “All-Southeastern Conference” ballot.
Let me remind you all something, which is vital this time of year….
It’s doesn’t matter where you start the season….
It matters where you finish…
Same goes for individual awards.
Enough said..

TENNESSEE: At the recent Southeastern Conference media days Coach Lane said that the Volunteers “had to go outside the state to recruit, because there wasn’t any good football in the state of Tennessee.”

I bet that was news to the Oak Ridge Wildcats….
The Gallatin Green Wave…
And Alcoa….
As well as all the fine high schools in Memphis…

EDITORS NOTE: You are thinking it, so I will say it…
What a dumbass…..

KENTUCKY: Don’t underestimate these Cats…
They are a lot better than advertised….
A-Lot better…..

LSU: Hey Fightn’ Tigers….
The evening of 10 October 2009 in Death Valley….
The Mighty Bayou Bengals season will be determined..
Believe it….

NEBRASKA: I know your question Big Red Fans…
Will the Cornhuskers build on last year’s success?
Yes and they will take down one big program along the way….
Believe it…

OKLAHOMA: Don’t overlook BYU early…
Or you will meet the Longhorns with two loses…..

OREGON: Congratulations! Once again…..
The Ducks have won the Butt Ugly Award for their uniforms….
I know that it must be difficult not having any college football traditions to speak of…
Selling out and being the butt monkey of NIKE…
Allowing them to change whatever they want at will, just so you can milk them for more money..
So Congratulations on having the ugliest uniforms (again) in all of college football..
You deserve it.


NOTRE DAME: What is the number one question I get from Irish Fans?
“Will the Fighting Irish be undefeated going into the game with U$C?”
Yes… leprechaun loving friends, you most certainly will be.

GEORGIA: How about them Dawgs?

GEORGIA TECH: The Rambling Wreck….
Will be two wins away from winning the Atlantic Coast Conference Title this year…

ARKANSAS: See Kentucky above….

KANSAS STATE: You have to know….
Your football team is in trouble when you dig up a dead football coach and prop him up on the sidelines.
That is just wrong….

IVY LEAGUE: Here we go again……
All you knuckleheads from the Ivy League stop asking me to write “something” about positive your “football” teams and “league”.
Let me break this down for you…..
Your Marching Bands don’t know how to play the “Theme from Shaft”…
They dress like a middle school marching band…and sound worse.
Your Cheerleaders look like they could floss with a number two pencil….
Your football teams couldn’t beat Hoover High School in Alabama….
So shut up and find something to protest….




When it comes to college fight songs….
Few are more confusing than the inspirational “Um Ya Ya” song from St. Olaf College

“Um Ya Ya”

We come from St Olaf, we sure are the real stuff…
Our team is the cream of the college great
We fight fast and furious, our team is injurious
Tonight Carleton College will sure meet its fate.

Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YaYa, Um YaYa

EDITORS NOTE: I am not really sure what they are trying to convey with this fight song or why Olaf is considered a Saint but I do know this song has an awful lot of “Ya’s” in it.
Which is nice….


Among the student body, the chant sung publicly is…….

“Fight, Fight, Inner Light!
Kill, Quakers, Kill!
Knock ’em Down, Beat ’em Senseless!
Do It ’til We Reach Consensus!”
Fight, Fight, Inner Light!
Kill, Quakers, Kill!
Beat ’em, Beat ’em, Knock ’em Senseless!
Tell Me, Do We Have Consensus?”

Another popular cheer that is sung by the Earlham College Fightin’ Quakers cheerleaders when the opposing team has possession of the ball is:

“Fight exuberantly!
Fight exuberantly!
Compel them to relinquish the ball!”

EDITORS NOTE: If you have to use proper English and big words…
It doesn’t count as a fight song, sorry.


The Maine Black Bears have a unique way of celebrating their universities accomplishments through their classic fight song called..

“The Maine Stein Song”

“Fill the steins to dear old Maine!
Shout till the rafters ring!
Stand and drink the toast once again!
Let every loyal Maine Man sing,
Drink to all the happy hours,
Drink to all the careless days!
Drink to Maine, our Alma Mater
The college of our hearts always!”

EDITORS NOTE: No references to storming down the field or turning your opponents into Bear poop…
But it is nice to know that they endorse underage inebriation…..


Our favorite Golden Rodents have brought us a timeless fight song…..

“Minnesota Rouser”

“Minnesota, hats off to thee,
To thy colors true we shall be,
Firm and strong, united we are,
Rah for the U of M!”

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t feel bad my dear readers…
This didn’t make any damn sense to me either…


At this wonderful institution of learning (and I suppose miraculous healing)
They don’t have “fight songs”; they have “spirit songs”.
Here is just a taste of the awe inspiring Oral Roberts Spirit Song.

“Oh, O-R-U,
Oh, O-R-U,
Oh, O-R-University!
Holy Spirit Blesses,
Seeking out the best,
Of the human trinity,
Ordained by Holy Destiny”

EDITORS NOTE: There is a good lesson here my friends….
If God really cared about what went on in college athletics….
Then Oral Roberts would lose every damn game and Myles Brand would ignite in flames.


What in the Hell is a “Zip” anyway?
Does a student dress up in a costume that looks like a punctuation mark?

If you think their “Zippy” mascot is confusing then review their fight song…
“Akron Blue and Gold”

“So, we stand up, cheer and shout,
For the Akron Blue and Gold.
Zzzip! Zip go the Zi- – ips!
Zzzip! Zip go the Zi — ips!
Akron True Gold and blue,
All for you and the Zi- – ips too!”

EDITORS NOTE: I have thoroughly reviewed the Akron Fight Song..
And I have determined that if you actually sing this song in “low-tones” it sounds like you’re repeatedly breaking wind..


You wanted disturbing? I will give you disturbing.

“Maime Reilly”

“Oh, Maime, Maime, Maime Reilly!
Slide Kelly, Slide,
Casey’s at Bat,
Oh Maime Reilly, where’d you get that hat?
Down in Old Kentucky,
Go Cross, Go,
Oh, Maime, Maime, Maime Reilly!”

EDITORS NOTE: Ok, listen closely sports fans….
That really didn’t make any damn sense.



There are few traditions in college football as enjoyable as homecoming….
The crisp feel of fall in the air…..
The Parade before the game….
The University Departments, Fraternity and Sorority Floats…
The Marching bands….
The Majorettes and Cheerleaders….
Students dressed in their finest…..
Seeing old friends and teammates…
Retelling the time worn tales of glories past….

But there is a “right” way and “wrong” way to conduct homecoming.

Case in point….
Enclosed is a picture of a Homecoming Parade on the Beautiful Campus of Boise State.
You will notice floats and vehicles of all makes and models adorned with the Bronco Colors moving at an acceptable pace while the alumni and fans enjoy the procession along the parade route.

This is the “Correct” way to have a Homecoming Parade….

Enclosed is a picture from last years Homecoming Parade at Evergreen State….
The Home of the Geoducks….

In case you were wondering….
College Homecoming Floats are NOT supposed to resemble a Roman Fertility Rite…
Even if your “mascot” is a Geoduck….

The 2009 AP Pre-Season College Football Top 10

I understand your frustration college football fans….
Your team did amazingly well last year and you return 10 starters on offense and defense and you wake up in July to find that your team isn’t even ranked in the pre-season top 25.

It’s a complicated process the AP voters go through that requires examination and explanation.

That’s why I am here…..

Below is the rationale behind the AP voter’s selection of college football teams in the Pre-Season Top 10
I hope this helps…..

1. FLORIDA: The Gators’ defense improved this year by dropping their NFL-caliber players for actual NFL players

2. TEXAS: The Longhorns will employ the strategy of playing it cool and not caring about a championship, which will ultimately win the attention of the BCS pollsters

3. OKLAHOMA: Once again the Sooners make it into the Top Five because someone on the team has an uncle who knows how to operate the BCS computer.

4. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Shows what can happen if you play in a weak conference and don’t play any teams out of conference unless the school in question has the words “academy” or “hair design” in their title.

5. ALABAMA: Young team overflowing with confidence, though preseason boast that their football empire shall rule over all the Earth for a thousand years makes Pollsters uneasy

6. OHIO STATE: Has more experience beating teams in its conference and losing to teams in the SEC than any other squad in recent memory.

7. VIRGINIA TECH: Pollsters feel obligated to move Virginia Tech up to No. 7 in hopes they will play in the FedEx Orange Bowl, as in light of past events, it would have been insensitive to invite them to the Tostitos Unspeakable Tragedy Bowl.

8. PENN STATE: Because Joe Pa will kick your ass, that’s why.

9. LSU: The developing Tigers have set high expectations for themselves this year..
But will fall short of their goal of being undefeated and winning every game by a million points.

10. OLE MISS: [cue banjo music]


BOISE STATE: The Broncos will be able to leap from No. 15 to No. 9, when the Pollsters computer factored in the average start time of their games.

WISCONSIN: Powerful offense; fast, gambling defense; would be ranked higher if it weren’t for the lame “Jump Around” celebration and horribly annoying marching band.

OREGON: Honestly, this one is just space filler

MICHIGAN: Sorry, I meant to say 53rd; I didn’t mean to be an insufferable arrogant jackass about it, the way Michigan fans were back when their team was any good.


Before we go any further let this be said…..
The Mighty Florida Gators will be playing the Texas Longhorns in Pasadena California for the BCS National Championship….
That is unless ESPN and ABC get involved….
Like they did last year….


Q: Dear Sir,
I’ve been incarcerated for the last month.
I’m serving a 4 month sentence but the bulls let us look at the internet.
One of the sites that isn’t blocked is YOURS!!!

Well, since I’ve got so much time on my hands I’ve been thinking about some things.
One of the things I was thinking about was how Myles Brand has pancreatic cancer. That’s like a death sentence when you get it.
Well, I had this great idea.
What do you have to do to run for NCAAP president because I’m very interested!
I only got arrested and am doing time for DUI and driving on a suspended license so you could trust me with those millions of dollars.
I’ve got a pretty good lawyer too, so he should be able to give me a LOT better advice than Mr Brands have given him. As a matter of fact, my lawyer told me not to say that I don’t recognize Georgia DUI laws. The judge was pissed about that one.

Well, I’ll just wait for you to fill me in on all the requirements.
Lord knows I’ve got the time for that.

Lemual in Ludowici

A: I doubt very seriously you could do any worse than what we have now….
I support your candidacy Lemual…..
I will get those requirements to you as soon as I can…

Q: Hey there young Man!
I am 87 years young…
And I live at the Sunset Rest Retirement Village here in Tallahassee.
All of us enjoy your college football website and love catching up on all the various stories you write.
When we aren’t reading your column we enjoy the many activities they have for us here.
Most all of us go to the recreation area and exercise while watching “Sweating it Down with Coach Bobby B.” That darn Coach Bowden even talks us through some kind of dance they call “Popping and Locking”, I believe it’s something they call “break dancing”.
Anyway, It’s time for exercise class…..
Thanks Again!
William – Tallahassee, Florida

A: Thank you for the kind letter….
But I feel obligated to say this…
William at your age you don’t want to do any dance with the word “Break” in it…
And as a side note….
“Popping and Locking” may very well lead to “Cracking and Snapping”….

Q: Dear Sir
I am most distressed, as are my colleagues, at your apparent lack of sensitivity and understanding concerning the complexities of governing student athletes and the respective institutions they represent.
As a Professor in Government in one of the most prestigious universities in the world, I feel compelled to extend the hand of knowledge and assist you in your quest for answers.
You must first understand that the NCAA, as well as the NAACP, is concerned first and foremost with education and understanding.
Without a dream you cannot achieve….
Dr. Willis – Harvard, Massachusetts

A: What’ you talkn’ bout Willis?

Q: Mike, Is it true that you are up for some kind of award this year for sports writing?
Is it the coveted Collard Greens Award given out each year by the Agricultural Extension Office in Beautiful Demopolis Alabama?
Barbara – Comanche, Texas

A: Thank you for asking Barbara and for plugging the fine folks at the Agricultural Extension Office in Beautiful Demopolis Alabama.
I will need all the help I can get this year to be considered for their prestigious award.
I am also up for another little known award in sports writing this year as well….
Due in large part to our current economy owing astronomical amounts of money to the Chinese I am currently eligible for the coveted Beijing Laughing Monkey Award in Sports Writing.
Which is nice….

Q: Mike, is there a difference between a Georgia Tech cheerleader and a pig?
Stan – Athens, Georgia

A: Yes there is Stan:
Midnight blue eye shadow, lip gloss and black and gold painted toe nails.

Q: Dear Sir,

I am a huuuuuuuge Flarda fan as you may know by some letters I wrote to you a couple of weeks ago.
I just read in the paper where they made Clempson skip a couple of practices because they was wearing some kind of girdle things instead of regular shorts to practice in.
I was just thinking, if they can do that, can they take away some of our wins if we keep wearing our blue jean short Daisy Dukes? I hope not.
Those things are just so comfortable.
I mean the fastest way to a man’s mullet is through our jeans shorts!!!
Have a great Gator day, ya’ll!!!

Tracey in Homassassa

A: Tracey are you sure you don’t live in Baneberry Tennessee?
Just asking….

Q: Dear Sir
Many like minded people, like me were most upset with your latest article concerning having an “Invocation” before a college football game.
You simply don’t understand the basis of why this isn’t acceptable any longer.
Having an Invocation before a college football game may make some people feel uncomfortable; that is why it’s against the law.
Do you understand?
Regina – Los Angeles, California

A: Well Regina….
People farting in an elevator make me feel “uncomfortable”…
So why don’t we make that against the damn law too?

Q: My name Ding Dung and I son of Anh Dung write you last week.
You no make the fun of my father, he no joke about Navy mascot!
NCAA need to change Navy Academy Goat mascot, it look too much like Ho Chi Minh!
Communism bad!
Here we have QVC channel and Nagahide couches!

I also remind honorable father that Academy Air Force mascot need change too.
Falcon bird look like fighter bomber, make us feel bad all over again.
Air Force drop many bombs on Vietnam and make us run very fast when they fly in, just like falcon mascot.
Ding Dung – San Francisco, California

PS: My sister want NCAA address too.
She want Army Academy mascot change.
Army mule look like honorable grandmother. Hurt too much to look at.

A: When I read “Ding Dung”…I immediately thought…”Who’s there?”

EDITORS NOTE: Who says I don’t have international appeal?

Q: Mike, I have a question for you….
Where can you find lingerie for a pig?
Mindy – La Grange, Georgia

A: Fredericks of Auburn

Q: Mike, Who do you think will take the coveted Ivy League crown this year?
Will it be Harvard, Princeton or Yale?
Chip – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: Actually I think…..
You are all a bunch of rich Yankee jackasses and I hope you all lose.
Does that answer your question?

Q: Dude you are being to hard on the boys from Southern California!
You need to let it go over Brother Reggie!
Southern California Rules!
Can’t you figure that out by now?
Jerri – Temecula, California

A: I tell you what I do have figured out…
You can’t spell “Scandal” without the SC……
And you can’t spell Sucks without the USC….


Only 20 days left until kickoff…
Your first week’s picks are right around the corner…

More next week, so stay tuned……

Before I forget….
Congratulations to the Families of Derrick Thomas and Bullet Bob Hayes….
It’s about damn time…..


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8 Responses to College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza Part III

  1. Hank in Qatar on August 14, 2009 at 9:51 am

    Dear Sir,
    I “pray” that Regina BURNS IN HELL!!!

  2. […] here to see the original: College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza Part III Tags: coach-pete, college, football-seasons, ncaa, team, texas, time, […]

  3. Paul Anderson on August 15, 2009 at 9:59 am

    I taught at a school that uses the Maine Fight Song tune for their Alma Mater. It is TRULY dreadful!

  4. MEB on August 20, 2009 at 3:40 am

    Paul –

    That had to have been tough…

    I can’t think about it any longer or that song will get stuck in my head


  5. Bulldog Jim on August 20, 2009 at 9:47 am

    Hey BAMA MIKE, Ready to ROLL? I am looking forward to “KICKOFF” Time. Take care! BJ

  6. MEB on August 20, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    Bulldog Jim!

    Sir, you know I am always ready to ROLL!

    Your State boys will be ready too….I promise you!
    Take Care my friend


  7. Matt H. on August 26, 2009 at 12:30 pm


    Dont forget to give me a holler OCT. 10th so I can gloat.

  8. Clip on August 28, 2009 at 10:40 am

    Good stuff. Loved the USC T-Shirt

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