College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza II

August 7, 2009

Ladies and Gentlemen –

I’m glad you all enjoyed your first installment of the 2009 College Football Preseason Extravaganza.
But last week’s installment was like Diet Pepsi compared to this week…
Let’s move on to the “real” thing….
And discuss who will win the Conference Championships…

As well as the ultimate prize…
A trip to Pasadena and a shot at the National Championship….


“With the little bits of information that I have, no, I’m not worried about that one bit. I’m more concerned about helping the process and cooperating to make sure that everything comes to the front. I’m confident that’s not where this is going.” …
In an interview on May 2, 2006 with USA Today and the Associated Press, Coach Pete Carroll of U$C talks about the possibility of U$C forfeiting games or being hit with NCAA sanctions.

As we have discussed in the past….
College football is as much about the pageantry and fan involvement as it is about the game.
With that in mind let’s take a look at some of the lesser known traditions in college football:

Hoosier fans show up at the stadium “a little while” before the game begins.

Just moments prior to each contest, it is traditional for specially selected Scarlet Knight players to participate in the mysterious “coin toss” ritual.

In a tradition called “yell practice,” the student populace is re-taught how to spell the word “defense” in an exhaustive two-hour pregame ritual.

Hawkeye Fans all wear black or yellow sweatpants.

The entire student body comes down onto the field after every game and runs in circles until they collapse from dizziness.

On the morning before each game, hordes of Tiger fans gather together to hold hands and close their eyes tightly and imagine what it must have been like to win the first national championship

Cardinal fans are too smart to believe they can affect the outcome of the football game, so they don’t do anything. Including attending the game…

A new tradition this year, students, players, and fans will surely be pumped seeing former coach Lloyd Carr’s skull mounted above the home team’s sideline

As they leave the locker room, players reverently touch a sign reading..
“Act Like A Smug Arrogant Bastard Despite Playing For A Drastically Overrated Team That Isn’t Even in the top Twenty”.


Before we unveil the “new” University of Tennessee dog mascot it is important to do a quick review of the universities current mascots.
In no particular order the University of Tennessee mascots:

Mountain Man: Despite the fact they are neither the “Mountaineers” nor the “Mountain Men” this hasn’t stopped the University from having a student dressed like Fess Parker running along the sidelines with a musket.

Orange: Although the only fruits that are grown in the state of Tennessee are more of the “two-legged” variety and as we all know, the university doesn’t have a nickname after this tasty citrus fruit, hasn’t prevented the University from having a student arrayed in a foam rubber “Orange” costume to delight the crowd on the sidelines of Volunteer football games.

Student (Male) Smokey: Even though the universities athletic teams aren’t called the “Bulldogs”, “Pluto’s” or “Hound Dogs”, the university has a lucky student in a foam rubber costume of a dog leading the crowd in cheers at all the university athletic events.

Student (Female) Smokey: Please see description above…
As an added note: the University was concerned what the perception of having a “single” Foam Rubber “male” dog might look to the alumni and fans so they decided to have a “female” counterpart Foam Rubber Dog costumed mascot to accompany the male.

EDITORS NOTE: The idea to have a “female” dog replaced the first idea of an accompanying mascot…
The First Idea was to neuter the male foam rubber costumed mascot….
I understand there is a pending lawsuit…

Now Ladies and Gentlemen….
The Winner of the “new” Tennessee Dog mascot is…..

A tie…..

The three hounds pictured below were selected, as was described by the University of Tennessee Athletic Department, as having….
“The Look of the Tennessee Volunteer Fan Base….”




FLORIDA: No need to continually thank me for picking you to win the National Title last year. Frankly the adulation embarrasses me.

NCAA: Many of you have written me concerning my recent articles on the NCAA Nazi’s forcing Universities and Colleges to change their mascots and nicknames.
Some of you have requested the names of the NCAA committee that has been responsible for determining what “is” or what “isn’t” racist or demeaning in college football.
Unfortunately I have been unsuccessful in getting the names of all the committee members.
However, I do have a photograph of the NCAA committee on mascots as they prepare to execute an unnamed college mascot.


EDITORS NOTE: Have no fear my dear readers and fellow animal lovers…
I am sure the bear in question was a racist…

FLORIDA STATE: The Administration of FSU and the Attorney General of the State of Florida are suing the NCAA for not complying with the States Open Record Laws concerning public institutions.

The NCAA responded by saying….
“We (The NCAA) can’t be forced to release documents in Florida State University’s appeal of sanctions because we (The NCAA) are not covered by the state’s public records law.”

EDITORS NOTE: Not required to follow state law?
So an organization in this country that requires universities and colleges from all 50 states to pay them, doesn’t have to comply with state laws? Really?

TENNESSEE: Recently the University of Tennessee announced that they will place billboards in the state of Florida to entice people to considering going to Tennessee.
The funny thing is….
I thought Tennessee always had billboards in Florida….
They say…
“See Rock City”

COLORADO: I want to take this opportunity to thank the University of Colorado for releasing my sister-in-law from her Buffalo “stunt double” mascot contract.
This will give her a chance to pursue her acting career in the “Messing with Sasquatch” beef jerky commercials. Also thank you for not pursuing that lawsuit after she gored that kid at the opening of that grocery store last year with her “calcium deposits”.

TEXAS A&M: You are still my favorite Agro-Americans.

VIRGINIA TECH: (CORRECTION) I erroneously reported in answering an email some weeks back that the “Hokey Pokey” was “not what it was all about…”
However, it has come to my attention….
That in Blacksburg Virginia, the home of the Mighty Virginia Tech Hokies, that the term has another meaning.
This term is also an accepted “pick-up” line for Virginia Tech students and alumni.
Proposed as a question…
“Hokey Pokey?”

Hope this cleared up any misunderstanding…

AUBURN: I want to address rumors and innuendos that have been circulating from the Auburn campus and reverberating around the college football landscape.
Coach Wayne Bolt of Auburn is NOT Howdy Doody.
I hope this has cleared up any misunderstanding.

Coach Wayne Bolt

Wayne Bolt

CHATTANOOGA: I cannot in good conscience promote a “raciest shoe” university.
Or “Racist Shoe U” as they will now be called….

ALABAMA: The Tide is appealing their loss of 21 wins by the NCAA by comparing similar cases involving Ball State, Temple, Weber State and Texas State. All but Temple were cited for lack of institutional control and the cases themselves involved more athletes than was involved at Alabama.
Yet none of the above named schools had to vacate wins.

Alabama was found guilty of the lesser violation of failure to monitor.
If the NCAA doesn’t demonstrate some consistency in their rulings here…
I simply say…
If this doesn’t succeed, I say we secede.

Just one last question for the Conference big wigs…
If there are ELEVEN teams in the conference, then why is it called The BIG TEN?

EDITORS NOTE: How difficult can it be to get a math degree from one of these schools? If you have 13 + 28 and you say 14 can you still get a passing grade?
(Tennessee Fans Take Note: that is Incorrect)

PAC 10 Conference: Follow along closely…
The reason you are not respected in the college football world is simple…
You have a weak football conference that as a general rule won’t play anybody outside your conference unless they have the words “Academy” or “Design” in their school name. Lastly, you insist on playing your games at 2330 EST on Saturday night and frankly the rest of the college football world is too hung over to care.


Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
I think I may be able to help you and our readers with a vexing problem.
I recently conducted a lecture on Dielectrophoretic Manipulation of Nanoparticles,
And it occurred to me….
The sycophantic arguments on the Bowl Championship Series can easily be disproven utilizing a mathematical theory similar in structure to the theory of Hydrodynamics.
What do you think about my hypothesis?
Dr. Timothy – John Hopkins University

A: Honestly….
I didn’t understand a damn thing after “Dear Mr. Wizard…”

Q: Dear Sir,

First, let me start off by saying that I am in no way affiliated with the NCAA or it’s fine staff of administrators and investigators. I do, however, find it rather appalling that you have this “vendetta”, if you will, against the head of this fine organization, Mr. Myles Brand. You have spent an obviously, exorbitant amount of time pointing out the alleged errors of the NCAA and, frankly, it is a rather tedious endeavor.

I must say that even I, with no affiliation with the NCAA, find it rather offensive to say that the aforementioned organization is “arrogant.” One specific argument that you continue to mention to support your supposition has to do with the scurrilous scandal involving Florida State University. You say they exhibit said arrogance by failing to publicly release a copy of the findings of the NCAA publicly.
Well, my good man, a perfectly simple explanation to this is the fact that the NCAA probably doesn’t even recognize Florida as a state.
In fact, I believe in a couple of conversations with Mr Brand that the NCAA doesn’t recognize anything south of the Mason Dixon line or east of the Rio Grande River as a state.
Therefore, with that fact in mind, the NCAA wouldn’t have to recognize any such “state” law.
It’s all very simple and logical if you think about it.

Also, your suggestion that certain conferences should secede from the NCAA is quite naïve. They are a truly benevolent organization with only the best interests of the institutions and student athletes in hands. I believe that you should stop all mention of this so that the NCAA can continue to rake in as much money as possible for the benefit of all. After all, it does take quite a goodly amount of cash to investigate all of those guilty parties in the SEC. Also, we have to accommodate numerous dignitaries occasionally, and it would be appalling to have to do so without the plush furniture, exquisite dining, or lavish offices. Why, it cost over $86,000 for the bathroom fixtures alone, from what I’ve heard.

As I said, please stop the naïve rants and support this fine organization so that we may all benefit.

Iles-may Ant-Bray

A: Clever Myles….Very clever

Q: Dear sir,
I just wanted to point out something that I found quite ironic…..
You can’t spell NAACP without NCAA. How weird is that?
And how about this while we are on the subject….
They are two of the most biased organizations in America…
They get money and nobody knows where it goes….
They Both Hate Southerners….
One will make you a victim and the other lives off of playing it up as a victim.
Biff in Buckhead, Georgia

A: Damn fine points sir…..

Q: Mike, despite what the idiots at the NCAA say…
There is nothing racist about wearing a pair of moccasins…
In fact they are very comfortable…
I and Others enjoy wearing them around the house…
Dave – Little Rock, Arkansas

A: Sounds like to me you are “comfortable” being a racist….
Damn racist shoe wearing people….

Q: My name Anh Dung and I read article on mascots and NCAA you write.
My family here and I agree. You so right!
We want address to write NCAA to have mascot remove from Naval Academy.
Why you say?
Navy goat remind me of Ho Chi Min and communism.
I look in the eyes of goat and see communist evil.
Also Navy pilots almost bomb us back to Stone Age in war, destroy many things.
Navy goat mascot must go!
Anh Dung – San Francisco, California

A: Would it be safe to say considering your last name to state
That you are full of “Dung”….


BIG TEN, sorry I mean ELEVEN.
The Ohio State Buckeyes are the team to beat: Period.
However, do not count out Jo Pa…….
With the Buckeyes traveling to Happy Valley this year anything can happen.

The other threat to Buckeye supremacy will come from the Badgers of Wisconsin..
Despite having a mascot that looks like a weasel on steroids, the badgers have a favorable schedule and could upset a number of teams before the season is over.

Illinois minus Chief Illini (Because he is a racist…) will make some teams sweat and they will most assuredly be in a major bowl game this year.

Iowa will continue to disappoint….
Michigan…(See “Iowa” above..)

BIG 12
Nebraska will win the North Division of the BIG 12 this year….
That’s right I said it….
The Cornhuskers have a brutal schedule but they will get it done…
Remember you heard it here first…

The South Division will be decided in the Red River Shoot Out when Oklahoma squares off against Texas. Who ever wins the Red River Shoot Out could run the tables and I do mean all of them.
My guess?
The Eyes of Texas are Upon Me so I have to be careful….
The Mighty Longhorns….

But make no mistake; the Cowboys of Oklahoma State will make a lot of noise this year.
And yes…..
The Red Raiders of Texas Tech will still be dangerous….

The game of the year will be an early one…..
The night of October 10th in Death Valley….
The Florida Gators will Visit the LSU Fightn’ Tigers….
This may decide it all ladies and gentlemen….

That aside…..
My Prognostication is simple as well as bias…
The Florida Gators will win the Eastern Division of the Conference….
The Alabama Crimson Tide will win the Western Division.
Neither of which will be undefeated when they meet in Atlanta…

The Conference Champion will head to Pasadena……
It will be the Mighty Florida Gators…..

Remember that you heard it here first.
The Virginia Tech Hokies will win it all in the ACC this year….
There are several teams that will upset and otherwise disrupt Championship plans…
The Clemson Tigers….
The Yellow Jackets of Georgia Tech…
The Hurricanes of Miami….
And as always….
Coach Bobby’s Seminoles….

My Upset Sleeper…The Tar Heels of North Carolina…
Don’t count them out of any game this year…

Contrary to recent reports….
The Southern Miss Golden Eagles will win the Eastern Division of the Conference..
Followed Closely…very closely by East Carolina..
The Western Division will be ruled by the Houston Cougars…
Believe it….
And the Cougars will win the Conference title this year……

My Proud Ponies of SMU will be better than advertised….
As will the Tulsa Golden Hurricanes…
Which I still think their nickname sounds nasty…

But as a side note….
My Favorite Football movie of late is still….
“We Are Marshall”

My buddy Matthew McConaughey is in it….
If you haven’t seen it, you don’t know what you are missing…

Ladies I will not get you Matthew’s autograph or send him any “items” that you forward to me…
So please stop asking….
Same goes for you “guys” on the west coast…
Stop it, you’re creeping me out…

PAC 10
Be prepared to be shocked…

The Oregon State Beavers will win the PAC 10 Title this year….
Followed closely by the Devils from the Sun at Arizona State and the U$C Trojans…
Believe it….

This year the competition in the conference has never been tougher…
West Virginia….
South Florida…
Connecticut …
Anyone of these teams has the ability to take the conference championship…

My Take….
Friday Night on November 27th in Morgantown West Virginia…
Light those couches…
The Mountaineers will win the Big East Conference Title..

Do not count out South Florida….And that’s NO Bull….

But as a side note, Syracuse will continue to be beaten like dirty rug….

Remember you read it here first…..
The Broncos of Boise State will win the Conference Title this year…….
Finish the season….Undefeated and be in the mix for the National Title.
Believe it……

The Horned Frogs of Texas Christian University will take the Conference Title this year…But they will not get away undefeated.
Hot on the tail of the Frogs will be Utah and Brigham Young University…
One hiccup by the Frogs and one of these teams will leap frog to the top…

EDITORS NOTE: You may be asking yourself….
Why is My Favorite College Football Prognosticator picking these Conferences this year? I got two words for you…..
“Sugar Bowl”


The winner of the 2009 Armed Forces Trophy will be….
I will give you a hint….
It rhymes with “Wavy”…..

This is one is always too easy for me…..
Let’s see who we have to choose from?
There is Notre Dame…..
Hoobastank State…..
Roy Rogers Western Wear Academy….
Armadillo Taxidermy College….

Although I really like Roy Rogers I will have to go with the Boy’s from South Bend.

The Rose Bowl in Pasadena California……
You will have to wait until next week……

So stay Tuned….
Only 27 more days until Kickoff


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