College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza

July 31, 2009
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Your wait is over…..
The 2009 Edition of the College Football Preseason Extravaganza is here…..

You didn’t really believe your Favorite College Football Prognosticator would leave you hanging did you?

This year we have a lot to cover and two additional conferences to review.
So you will have three different installments of the Preseason Extravaganza.

Your follow on installment will be out next Friday….

So my dear readers….
Please place your seats in the upright position and buckle your safety belts…
The 2009 College Football Season promises to be a bumpy ride….

Enjoy….

How to Make College Football Better….

Before we get started I have a few Ideas I would like to share with you..
Now I know what you are thinking….
“Here we go again…..”

Hardly my dear friends and fellow college football fanatics…

I am not here to institute “Change”…..
But to solidify those traditions in the game that we have lost or are losing….

I have composed a brief list of those things I would like to see…
To make our beloved College Football Season better…

1. We don’t need a room full of talking bobble head doll commentators to tell us what we ALREADY know, nor do we NEED them to hype a college football game for us…

NOTE TO TELEVISION COMMENTATORS:
WE ALREADY KNOW THE GAME IS IMPORTANT…
THAT IS WHY WE ARE WATCHING IT – DUMBASS.

2. Introduce the football players before the game.
Or better yet, let them introduce themselves, like they did “back in the day…”
I want to know…
Where they are from, what year they are in college and what they are studying…
Why?
Because some of these kids are the ONLY people in their family to attend college or the ONLY people from their towns that ever went off to college.
Those kids and their families and those little towns deserve that recognition.

3. Believe it or not there is nothing wrong with having an invocation before a football game. In fact asking the All Mighty to keep anybody from getting killed during the football game does not constitute “an endorsement of religion” despite what the gibbering idiots on the Supreme Court want you to believe.

EDITORS NOTE: Case in Point….
IF you were playing for the Eastern Idaho Fertilizer Distributors Academy and you were playing the mighty Southern California Trojans wouldn’t you want some assurance that you wouldn’t end up in the hospital before the fourth quarter?
In case you were wondering…
I believe that game is scheduled in October as part of the “brutal” Trojan non-conference schedule.

4. Show the College Marching Bands at half-time.
You can run the scores of other games along the top and bottom of the screen if you want to or if the viewer has an itchy remote trigger finger, he or she can switch to one of the other 100 channels and catch another game.
Those kids in the Marching Bands are a part of the rich tradition and pageantry of College Football and those kids put as much time on the field practicing as the teams themselves.

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note…
If you are a male over the age of ten and you really don’t want to see the LSU Golden Girls or the beautiful University of Alabama Crimsonettes, then you have issues.
Enough said….

5. Make the College Football Referees and Umpires accountable.
Let’s be honest here….
These guys make 180 to 250K for working a 6 month job.
Not that I have a problem with that….
However…
Where are the background checks on these guys?
Are we to believe that “they” are all above reproach?
Shouldn’t they be held to some sort of standard in this “profession”?
What is the punishment when they don’t meet that standard and cost a team a game or a shot at a Championship?
Where is the almighty NCAA in that discussion?

EDITORS NOTE: If you think this doesn’t matter; ask any Oklahoma Sooner Fan about the Oregon Duck game a couple of years ago. They will tell you…..

6. We don’t need the BCS nor do we need any college football playoffs.
Listen closely….
IF you are a big time college football program that wants to play for the National Championship..
Then drop the Division III Vietnamese Hair and Nail Salon Beauty Colleges from your respective schedules and play OTHER big time college football programs DURING the season.
There is your play-off system ladies and gentlemen…..
Problem solved…

7. Only “One” college transfer for the cry baby college football player that wants to transfer to another college because he isn’t getting enough playing time.
Clearly these knuckleheads have forgotten about the “team” sport concept and the advantage of getting a college education.

8. The “politically” correct Nazis at the NCAA should stay out of the College Mascot business. The North Dakota “Fighting Sioux” isn’t racist, nor was the Newberry College “Indians”. If you are “offended” by these mascots let me break it down for you….
You are a spineless idiot that roams the earth in search of something, anything that “in your” perverted view of life can be viewed as offensive.
I pray that you haven’t reproduced and are so offended by this statement that you drink the “Jim Jones Cool-Aide” and simply…go away……

9. The NCAA actually does what it was actually designed to be…
Which is an organization designed to establish standards of collegiate athletics.
NOT…..
Steal images of college football players and make millions from EA Sports video games.
NOT….
Show favoritism in compliance of the application of the NCAA rules…
NOT…
Negotiate television revenue and manipulate universities revenue streams…
NOT…
Partner with other unethical organizations to punish southern universities and colleges.
NOT…
Ignore State and Federal laws in an effort to further your own arrogant financial agenda.

Have I made my point?

10. The Southeastern Conference, the Atlantic Coast Conference and the Big 12 should secede from the NCAA and form their own College Sports Conference and break the backs and financial stranglehold the NCAA has on college athletics.

FAMOUS COACH’S QUOTE

“I’m on my kids at every turn, every day, doing whatever I can to keep outside influences from clouding their thought processes.” …
U$C Coach Pete Carroll talking to the Los Angeles Times on April 26, 2006….
About his effort to maintain a clean program

EDITORS NOTE: I am assuming…
This interview took place before Snoop Dog and O.J. Simpson were given “free” access to the locker room and players.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL CULTURE

As I have attempted to illuminate in the past….
There is a big difference between college football in the Deep South and the college football culture of California.
But for you that still need an illustrated example this brief comparison is for you…
I hope this helps
Enjoy…..

WOMEN’S ATTIRE

California: Woodstock 1960’s vintage hippie chic’ (no bath or shower or deodorant)

Down South: Designer duffel or purse with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), cell phone and a bottle of Perrier.
Wallet not necessary-that’s what dates are for……

STADIUM SIZE

California: College football stadiums hold 40,000

Down South: Most High school football stadiums hold 20,000

NOTABLE EXCEPTIONS:
Los Angles Memorial Coliseum and the Rose Bowl neither of which belongs to the respective schools playing in them.

LEGENDARY NAMES

California: O.J. Simpson and Reggie Bush

Down South: Hershel Walker, Bo Jackson, Earl Campbell and Billy Cannon

WEATHER

California: Rain, Earth Quakes, Mud Slides and other disasters of Biblical proportions.

Down South: Sunny, highs mid-60s, lows in the thirties.

FATHERS

California: Expect their daughters to understand the spirit of “Diversity” and the complications of the O.J. Simpson Trial.

Down South: Expect their daughters to understand the Wishbone and the Spread Offence as well as the difference between the 4-3 and the 3-4 defenses.

ATTIRE

California: Male and female alike: Dread locks and flip flops standard.

Down South:
Male – Pressed khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat and or college team logo.
Female – Ankle or knee length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford.

EDITORS NOTE: Girls in the south can make a mans heart flutter with a smile..
How in the hell does that work in California with dirty ass 1960’s clothes and dread locks?
It doesn’t, that’s the point.

ALUMNI

California: Take prospects on sailing trips to Catalina Island to discuss the complexities of the O.J. Simpson Trial.

Down South: Take prospects on fishing trips so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year.

CAMPUS DECOR

California: Statues of Johnnie Cochran

Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners and National Championship Coaches.

HOMECOMING QUEEN

California: Also a major in ethnic studies with a minor in “feel bad about myself”.

Down South: Also Miss USA.

HEROES

California: Johnnie Cochran

Down South: Paul “Bear” Bryant, Bobby Bowden, Steve Spurrier, Darrel Royal and the LSU Chinese Bandits.

GETTING TICKETS

California: 15 minutes before the game you can walk up to the ticket counter and purchase tickets while negotiating through the protest for the “Rights of Tibet”.

Down South: 5 months before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.

FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME

California: Students and Professors are planning a protest against one of the following:
1. The Republican Party
2. People Wearing Fur
3. People that Eat Meat
4. The Republican Party
5. Anyone against Same-Sex marriage

Down South: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class on Friday.

PARKING

California: An hour before the game the university opens the campus for game parking.

Down South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday night for the Saturday’s Game festivities.

EDITORS NOTE: The real faithful in the South begin arriving on Tuesday.

GAME DAY

California: A few students get together in the dorm and smoke their hemp shoes and shorts and talk about the complications of the O.J. Simpson Trial

Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting Game Day “Live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots from out west who wonder why Game Day is never broadcast from their campus.

TAILGATING

California: Enjoying Zima and tofu while listening to local a radio station covering the protest of the lack of rights for Hispanic immigrants.

Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn…..
Cooking accompanied by live performance by Lynyrd Skynyrd who come over during breaks and ask for a couple bottles of beer.

GETTING TO THE STADIUM

California: You have to ask, “Where’s the stadium?”
But first you must negotiate through the crowd protesting outside the stadium for the Rights of Tibet…

Down South: When you’re near it, you’ll hear it.
On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city…..
Believe it…

CONCESSIONS

California: Drinks served in a decorative recyclable paper cup filled to the top with caffeine free soda.

Down South: Drinks served in a 24 oz plastic cup with the home teams mascot-filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.

WHEN THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED

California: Excellent opportunity to stage another protest…..

Down South: 95,000+ fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.

THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE

California: Marijuana and the aroma of sweaty ass smell because nobody bathes before the game to save the whales; by saving one tub of bath water…

Down South: Fireworks with a twist of beer and or fine Kentucky bourbon is customary.

COMMENTARY (MALE)

California: “I still believe O.J. Simpson is innocent”

Down South: “Block some-body damn it!”

COMMENTARY (FEMALE)

California: “I still believe O.J. Simpson is innocent.”

Down South: “Tackle some-body damn it”

AFTER THE GAME

California: The stadium is empty before the game ends; because the next “big” protest begins at 10:00 pm.

Down South: Put another rack of ribs on the smoker….
While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more beer and bourbon while planning begins for next week’s party.

EDITORS NOTE: I hope this helped…

Preseason Observations and Prognostications

Ole Miss isn’t as good as the National Sports media would have you believe.

Michigan Wolverines: See Above.

Southern California Trojans: Please see “Ole Miss” above

Since the once proud Orange Bowl closed its gates in Miami…
The Miami Hurricane Administration has gone to great lengths to attract more fans to the “new” stadium of the Hurricanes.
This season be prepared to witness….
The Cane Athletic Department will distribute “Hurricane Fan Packs” before every home game. My favorite “Fan Pack”?
The Official Miami Hurricane Fan Starter Kit….
It comes with “one size fits all” Crunk Teeth, a Mister T jewelry starter kit and a Ghost Face Killer CD…

Wolverine Coach Rich Rodriguez’s wife will be auditioning later this year for the “new” VH1 Program “Rock of Skanks” with Bret Michaels.

The NCAA will continue to drag its collective feet on the “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans into 2010 without resolution.

The National Sports media will continue to ignore the NCAA “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans, all the while portraying them as the media darlings.

I am convinced that N.C.A.A. stands for National Coalition Against Alabama.

Sometime this season Jo Pa’s glasses will refract the sun and incinerate an entire western Pennsylvania town.

The Virginia Tech Hokies still have the largest Wang in College Football….
Junior Defensive End Ed Wang is 6’6 and weighs nearly 330 pounds.

EDITORS NOTE: What did you think I was talking about?
Shame on you…

The Georgia Bulldogs will be better than advertised this year…..
Way better….

The Naval Academy….
Please see “Georgia Bulldogs” above…

The University of Oregon’s mascot has undergone yet another off season makeover….
The “new” mascot now appears less like a gay Donald Duck on steroids and more like a backup singer in “WAM”.

You will all come to know what I have learned the hard way….
The Boise State Broncos are for real….

The Utah Ute’s…..
See Above

The West Point Football Team will still suck…..

The Ivy League will suck even worse…

If the Louisville Cardinals do not develop something that resembles a defense this year
They will be talking to Tommy “Ears” Tubberville by November….
Believe it….

This coming season the Michigan State Spartans will begin the season by soundly thrashing a couple of colleges that are known more for carburetor repair and animal fertilizer distribution than college football and then lose their respective asses during the Big Ten schedule.
But they will still beat Michigan….
Believe it..

The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets will be the spoiler in the Atlantic Coast Conference

CORRECTION:
The hit NBC television program “The Biggest Loser” is not The Phil Fulmer Story…
Hope this cleared up any misunderstanding..

Maybe it’s just me…
But I always thought Oral Roberts was a dental school.

The Infamous Southeastern Conference referee Penn Wagers….
The absolute worse referee in all of College Football History…
He will screw up at least two games this fall costing two teams a victory that they would have otherwise earned on the field of play.
Believe it….

I still think Auburns mascot “aubie” looks like that cat on a bag of Cheetos.

Oklahoma State and Nebraska will be the spoilers this year in the BIG 12…
Believe it…

Once again this year….
I will wish the Oregon State Beavers had a football player named Jerry Mathers.

EDITORS NOTE: Sometimes I wish for too much…

Unfortunately, despite a number of emails and personal appearances by “yours truly…”
The University of Iowa will not be changing their nickname this year from the “Hawkeye’s” to the “Popeye’s” as was reported a few months ago.
Despite the support of a noted Fried Chicken Franchise, it seems a Federal Law suit filed late last week by Olive Oil and Brutus has prompted the University to keep their current nickname.

I would rather be forced to listen to “The Best of Zamfir” Pan Flute CD on a continuous loop this season than willingly listen to any of the following college football “commentators” during a football game:

Vern Lundquist: This syphilitic old troll’s voice has been designated by the United Nations Human Rights Commission as “Cruel and Unusual punishment….”
Enough said…

Archie Manning: If you look in Webster’s Dictionary under the term “Dumbass”, it says;
See Archie Manning.

Bret Musburger: If he were in “Saved by the Bell” he would be Screech…..

Dan Foust: He is a former “Oregon Duck”….
Enough said….

Mark May: If bull crap was electricity….
Then this idiot would be a walking Nuclear Power Plant.

Pam Ward: Her voice has been proven by the American Medical Association to be the leading cause of suicide on college football Saturdays.

John Saunders: He knows as much about college football as Siegfried and Roy do about heterosexuality.

CORRECTION:
The Hit Disney movie “Big Fat Liar” is not The Phil Fulmer Story.
Hope this cleared up any misunderstanding..

I still think Terry Bowden looks like a shaved woodchuck.

Congratulations are in order!
Coach Lou Holtz was inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame this year…
But did you know….
That Coach Lou will also be inducted into the Wild Turkey Hall of Fame later this year, not so much by his accomplishments in preserving our wildlife or turkey hunting heritage. But by his actually being a 145 pound Tom Turkey himself…
Congratulations Coach and Gobble Gobble to you and yours.

Sometime this season some local “affiliate” television station will refuse to break away from an infomercial for Richard Simmons “Sweating to the Geriatric’s” and force me to miss the first half of a Southeastern Conference match-up.
This outrage will ultimately cause me to call the local affiliate station and threaten them with my Michael Jackson impersonation.

PRETENDERS and CONTENDERS

The truth is there isn’t much room at the top of college football.
It’s true and we all know it too.
So there is no point in writing something about how “everybody” has a chance…
It isn’t true….
You all expect more from Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…

So for your reading pleasure the list of teams, in no particular order, that “really” have a chance at the Title in January 2010 and those teams that very well may derail the party, as well as those teams that well…..
Stand a better chance of winning Power Ball than they do of having a winning season….


CONTENDERS

TEXAS: The Longhorns are the real McCoy

FLORIDA: Two words…”Tim Tebow”

OHIO STATE: After they beat the Trojan$ in the Big Horseshoe…
That’s right I said “after”…..
The Buckeyes will be the team to beat in the Big 11, I mean…Big 10.

LSU: The Mighty Tigers have reloaded….
And they will contend for the SEC Conference Championship…..
Believe it….

BOISE STATE: Remember you heard it here first….
The Broncos will go undefeated and play in a BCS Bowl game…
Will it be the Championship game?
You will have to wait until next week to find out.

OKLAHOMA: Because they are the Sooners…
That’s why

PENN STATE: Never underestimate Jo Pa.

ALABAMA: The Mighty Tide will rise again this year.
But is another undefeated season in the future?
Time will solve that mystery for all of us…

VIRGINIA TECH: The Mighty Hokies will win the ACC Conference Championship this season but the road to Pasadena will be a much steeper climb.

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Their place here is due in large part to being the sports media darlings and aside from playing The Ohio State Buckeyes, the Trojans play a variety of non-conference games that resemble the Characters from “Blues Clues.”
But remember you heard it here first….
The Trojan$ will lose “at least” two games this season…
Then we will all watch ESPN, ABC Sports and the College Football News….Weep

FLY’S IN THE BUTTERMILK

SOUTH CAROLINA: Coach Steve forgot more about football than most coaches know.

SOUTHERN MISS: The Golden Eagles are always dangerous…Period.

HOUSTON: If you play the Cougars this year, you will have a problem.

CLEMSON: These are no paper Tigers, they are for real.

GEORGIA TECH: The Rambling Wreck will ruin many a team’s championship plans this season….

WISCONSIN: Never underestimate the Power of Cheese.

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: The Horned Frogs may have their best team ever

UTAH: Two words for you….”Sugar Bowl”: Enough said…

TEXAS TECH: Despite losing their record setting quarterback and receivers, you can never underestimate the craftiness of the “Mad Pirate”.

OKLAHOMA STATE: This batch of Cowboys will run roughshod over the BIG 12…
Keep your eye on them…

NEBRASKA: The Cornhuskers will upset one team’s dreams in the BIG 12 this year…
Count on it…

GEORGIA: How Bout them Dawgs!

PRETENDERS

TEMPLE: The Owls are to college football what Gary Busey is to philosophy.

EDITORS NOTE: Just for the record…
My favorite Gary Busey quote…

“Never Dip lower than you can Dip”

Wise words Gary…

DUKE: Seriously….Stick to basketball.

INDIANA: Please See “Duke” above..

OREGON: You are the “Ducks”…
You call your offence “The Quack Attack”…..
You have more uniform combinations than Sears has underwear adds….
Your Marching Band Uniforms look like they were designed by George Jetson while he was smoking crack…
If it weren’t for Evergreen State your mascot would be the laughing stock of college football….
And you honestly think we are going to take you seriously?

WASHINGTON STATE: There are two dozen high schools across the South that could beat the Cougars by 35 points. Enough said…..

BAYLOR: Bears please see “Washington State” above…

MICHIGAN: The only thing that scares opponents this year about the Wolverines is the remote chance of seeing Mrs. Rich Rod without her makeup on….

EDITORS NOTE: I threw up a little bit just thinking about it…

PURDUE: What is up with Purdue Pete’s Head? It’s almost….
Notice I said “Almost”…
As big as Wynonna Judds…

NOTRE DAME: The Fighting Irish will surprise a few teams this year but will fall far below expectations…
It’s Like Déjà vu all over again in South Bend…

RUTGERS: Hey Cinderella! The Party’s Over…

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA: You are here because the media loves you…
You are here because of Reggie Bush….
You’re here because you should have already been hammered by the NCAA like yesterdays ground chuck.
You are here because we all hate your arrogance and lying about your “violations”.
But primarily you are here because this year you will fail….

More Later in the Upcoming segments of the Preseason Extravaganza…
Including your prognostications and Conference Championships…
Breaking Down the BCS Standings and review of Conference Media Days…
Pre-Season Email Questions and Answers and more

So stay Tuned….
Only 34 more days until Kickoff
RTR
MEB

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9 Responses to College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza

  1. Z on July 31, 2009 at 6:11 pm

    Mr Wizard

    I thought the land mass on the left was called Northern Mexico and spelled Kalifornia, Isn’t spanish the current form of communication both oral and written?

    Z

  2. MEB on July 31, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    You sir…
    Are a genius….
    Thank you

    RTR
    MEB

  3. football on August 1, 2009 at 9:03 pm

    Nice post. i learned much more about football. thanks for posting.

  4. Melvin Gasperone on August 1, 2009 at 9:17 pm

    Mr. Wizard

    Those knuckle heads on the left coast are unemployed and living in tent cities with their state being bankrupt U$C may no longer be the flavor of the month, remember the NCAA is not about collage sports it’s about the money so as wise man always told me if you want to know why things are the way they are follow the money.

  5. Chuck on August 4, 2009 at 11:32 am

    Wizard,
    You need to place a warning on your post to let us know when you are going to talk about Mrs. Rich Rod, as I too threw up in my mouth.

    UP

  6. Lee Anthony on August 6, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    Mike,

    Great to see you back and in full force, my friend! I know it’s not WWE, but I’m surprised the following cultural event went unmentioned in your preseason extravaganza: http://bearcountrytheplay.com/

    I’ll look forward to the reviews, but at least they don’t have Gary Busey or Tom Berenger playing our hero in this one.

    The best to you and your family!

    RTR,

    Lee

  7. Matt H. on August 7, 2009 at 6:59 am

    MEB

    Awesome!!!

    If UT, Florida, LSU and Alabama made love and had a child that grew up to be a CFB blogger, his name would be MEB…

  8. MEB on August 7, 2009 at 7:41 am

    Thank you Matt H…….

    And don’t forget NCAA Hating…..

    RTR
    MEB

  9. MEB on August 7, 2009 at 5:22 pm

    Lee –

    My Friend, it is good to hear from you.
    Thank you for your kind comments
    I really appreciate it.

    RTR
    MEB

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