Monday Morning Quarterback

March 29, 2009
By
Ladies and Gentlemen

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator is Back!

Before we catch up on lost times…..
I want to thank you all for your kind words in response to my article about Charlie.

I cannot begin to tell you how good it was to see him when I returned.
Simply put: Charlie is “The Man”.

I also want to thank you for your emails and all the prayers while I was deployed.

I greatly appreciate it and will never forget your kindness.

We have a lot to catch up on my friends, so let’s get started.
In case you were wondering, I missed you all too.

Enjoy your update!

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS (REWIND)

 At my age it’s comforting to know that some things don’t change…..
For example…
Coach Rod’s wife still looks like a ten dollar hooker and Kenny Chesney is still the Elton John of country music (Minus the classic music and talent). But there will always be those events that shock and amaze you and not always in a good way.
So, forgive me as we look back at the 2008 college football season and then catch up on a few email questions and answers. 

 

THE GOOD

FLORIDA: As the Mighty Gator Nation “may” recall….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator picked you to win the BCS Championship back on August 9th.

EDITORS NOTE: No need to thank me, it’s what I do.

 

ALABAMA: An undefeated regular season….I didn’t see that one coming.

EDITORS NOTE: But I enjoyed it (immensely) from afar.

 

NEBRASKA: I told you Coach Bo would bring the Huskers back….
Congratulations on a winning season and bowl victory.

EDITORS NOTE: There are a lot more wins to come, believe me Husker Fans.

 

PENN STATE: Congratulations on the Big Eleven…I mean Ten Championship.

EDITORS NOTE: Glad you are feeling better Joe, we missed you on the sidelines.

 

CLEMSON: As I recall, the last time the Tigers had a former Alabama player as a Coach you won the National Championship.

Congratulations on a great choice.

 

OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes will be stronger this year than ever. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Yes, before you ask; that also means another win over Michigan.

 

FLORIDA STATE: GREAT NEWS! Coach Bobby has agreed to be cryogenically frozen and coach from the comfort of his liquid nitrogen encased stainless steel container through the year 2120!

 GEORGIA: How Bout them DAWGS!

 

THE BAD

UTAH: When I am wrong, I admit it.

I picked the Ute’s last year in the “Pre Season Extravaganza” as…

“Pretenders”….

I couldn’t have been more wrong……

EDITORS NOTE: I know what a “Ute” is now.
It’s something that ruined my Sugar fix on 2 January 2009.

 

TEXAS: Great season and a tremendous Bowl win….
But let me put this gently….

Between the Heisman Ceremony and the BCS Committee..
You all must feel like Jodie Foster in “The Accused”

 The Longhorns should have been playing the Mighty Gators….

OREGON STATE: Damn It

MISSISSIPPI STATE: I hate Coach Croom left…I really do.

MICHIGAN: You had a chance to get Les Miles, but you all wouldn’t listen to me.
The Wolverines misery won’t end with 2008…Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: I bet you all thought I was going to say something about Coach Rod’s wife, didn’t you.

 That will come later in the week….

 

TEXAS A&M: I still have R.C. Slocum’s cell phone number; you want it?

OKLAHOMA: Losing two games in a season would warrant raises and parades in most places.
But Norman Oklahoma isn’t “most” places.
The Sooner’s better crank it up a notch or two…

The natives are getting restless….

THE UGLY

NCAA: SOOOoooooooooooooooo

You have the time and resources to investigate everybody from the University of New Mexico to Florida State, but you can’t seem to find Reggie Bush’s Momma’s address?

 So just tell us this….

Who have you sold out to?
Was it the ABC network and ESPN?

That 350 Million dollar contract to broadcast PAC 10 football games lined your pockets nicely…..

Was it Adidas?
They really know how to reward an organization for keeping their “Star” endorsement out of trouble.

Or is it that the NCAA is just that corrupt and blind in its favoritism?

Enquiring minds want to know….

EDITORS NOTE: Just for the record, “No”, I will not give this up until I take my last dying breath.

 

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously, shouldn’t you all be on probation by now?

TENNESSEE: So Fat Phil renegotiated his contract with a “healthy” buy out clause months before he gets canned….How convenient.

EDITORS NOTE: I want to thank the administration and the athletic department at the University of Tennessee…
For hiring a new football coach that is easy to make fun of.

NOTRE DAME: On the subject of “healthy” contract buyouts…
Unless the Irish purchase Fort Knox they won’t get Uncle Charlie out of South Bend anytime soon.

 AUBURN: So “Ears” Tubberville took flight and took his high finger salute with him.

 Don’t let the door knob hit you on the back of the head on the way out the door…

 EDITORS NOTE: No wait, that joke was intended for Terry Bowden…
Never mind, it’s still funny.

 

PAC 10 Conference: Is “Choke” the Official Drink of your Conference?
Just wondering…….

 BCS Committee: As a Safety Tip: You all may not want to vacation in Texas anytime in the foreseeable future.

 

EMAIL Q&A

 Q: Mike “Welcome back Dude!” Hey I have to ask….
Did you see anything crazy during Mardi Gras when you were in the Middle East? Thanks and Welcome Back!
Trey – Baton Rouge, Louisiana

 A: Thanks Trey; and I know what you really want to know.
Mardi Gras in the Middle East has plenty of T & A……Toes and Ankles.

 Q: Mike, my family and I LOVE the television game show “Jeopardy”!
We watch it religiously!
My question is: Why isn’t there a program on television for college football with the format of Jeopardy?
I think it would be AWESOME!
What do you think?
The Kowalski Family – Madison, Wisconsin

 A: My powers of Prognostication do not extend to programs such as Jeopardy.
Case in point…..
I remember the last time I saw “Jeopardy”.
Alex said:”A Rhino, a Unicorn and Chuck Mangione.”

I would have said….”Three things I don’t want drunk and loose in my house”
See what I mean?

Q: I read something about a Tennessee football player suing a large food manufacture?
Do you have any information on that and by the way welcome home.
Stan – Athens, Georgia

A: Thanks Stan, I appreciate it.
It’s true; a “number” of Tennessee football players are involved in a “class” action lawsuit against Banquet Food Corporation for “False Advertisement”.

It seems their complaint is specifically against the “Banquet Pot Pie”.
The Tennessee football players cited…
 “They were hard to light and didn’t give us the buzz we were expecting”.

Q: Mike we are all really excited here in Minnesota about the upcoming 2009 College Football Season! Go Gophers!
The students here are trying to come up with a new catch phrase to get people excited about our state and Golden Gopher football in 2009!
Do you have any ideas that may help us out?
Thanks!
Tiffany – Saint Paul, Minnesota

A: How does this grab you….
“Ever Vigilant Minnesota: Keeping Canada at bay since 1873”

Q: Mike I have a simple question.
Why the hell didn’t Colt McCoy win the Heisman trophy last year?
Troy – Bangs, Texas 

A: Good question Troy and I have a simple answer for you.
The Heisman Trophy ceremony is televised by ESPN, which is owned by ABC.
ABC televised the BCS Championship last year.
How did they start promoting the game before the Heisman Trophy was awarded?

The first game between “two” Heisman Trophy winners….
See where this is going? Glad I could help.

Q: Mike where has Hootie Snitch been since you have been deployed?
We were looking forward (in a weird kind of way) to his updates in your absence.
Was he deployed on the Global War on Terror Too?
Dave – Little Creek, Virginia

A: I guess you could say Hootie was “technically” deployed.
By “deployed” I mean ordered to the county work farm after he was convicted of stalking the select committee at the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum.

If nothing else he is determined to get his mamma on the ballot for the 2009 inductees.
Hootie will be released back into the wild (appropriately) on April 1st.

 If you get a chance, cast your ballot for Rowena Ratt Snitch at…..

 http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org/

Tell them Phil Fulmer sent you…..

 

Q: Mike, I just have to ask…
Are you going to write a book about your adventures?
Thanks!
Holly – Biloxi, Mississippi

A: Thank you for asking Holly.
I am in the process of writing a historical biography.

“It Sucks to be You” – The Genghis Khan Story

Q: Mike in all your world travels,…
Is there anything that you want to share with us that could broaden our horizons…
and possibly enrich our lives on planet earth?
Salantra – Pasadena, California

A: Note to self: Never put Chap Stick on in the men’s room of a bad ass biker bar.

 It sends the wrong message – that’s all I’m saying.

Q: Mike I have a question that has bothered me for some time.
Should we really be involved in the toppling of dictators and the crushing of evil empires?
James – Cave City, Kentucky

A: I believe if we want to fight tyranny….
and dispose of a dictator and an evil regime….
 We should start with Miles Brand and the NCAA in Indianapolis Indiana.

 

College Football News and Views will be out later in the week.

Have a GREAT Week….

 RTR

MEB

 

 

 

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3 Responses to Monday Morning Quarterback

  1. The BamaPrincess on March 29, 2009 at 4:58 pm

    MEB ,

    You still got it!! This was so funny . . . . why oh why did I know that the towing thing would be there . . . Lovin’ it that you are back!

  2. GO BUCKS MICHIGAN SUCKS!! on April 2, 2009 at 10:22 pm

    Mike, welcome home! Please keep up the good work and drop me a line some time in the near future. DS

  3. MEB on April 8, 2009 at 11:38 am

    It’s GREAT to be back….

    Thank you both so much…
    I’ll be calling you soon DS….

    RTR
    MEB

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