Ladies and Gentlemen –
It all comes down to this……..
The one Saturday that has been marked on your calendars since last spring…..
Is “The Third Saturday in October”…..
Jo Pa visits the Big Horseshoe….
The Dawgs of Georgia travel to Death Valley to take on the Fightn’ Tigers…
The Wolverines and Spartans do battle in Michigan…..
The University of Southern California plays “another” Assisted Living Facility in the Pac 10!
It’s a Big Weekend of College Football….
So let’s get to it…
Enjoy Your Picks!
College Football NEWS and VIEWS
ABC COLLEGE FOOTBALL (Opening): We get it…..
ALSO owns the record company that promotes Kenny Chesney…
Which explains the “opening” segment of him singing his “new” song….
The “opening” segment couldn’t be any Gayer if George Michael and Sigfried and Roy were singing ” It’s Raining Men…”
EDITORS NOTE: ALSO……
I really don’t want to hear a gay man singing about having a “Wild Ride”…
CBS COLLEGE FOOTBALL: Can you believe it…..
The “Commentators” with CBS were actually saying “Southern California was scoring style points by beating Washington State” by 70 points….
Washington State is 1 and 7….
Their ONLY win coming against Portland State……
YOU want to talk about “Style Points”?
Isn’t that just a new name for “Bad Sportsmanship”?
LOU HOLTZ: By now you have all heard about what Lou said on the ESPN College Football studio program…
He used a “Hitler” reference last weekend when giving a description about leadership and discussing “Good” and “Bad” leadership…..
Coach Lou was forced to apologize on National Television….
ask for forgiveness…..
and generally beg on national television to keep his job…
COMMENTARY: I am sick of this damn crap….
NOBODY on the planet enjoys picking on Lou more than I do….
I think he looks like a Granny from “The Beverly Hillbillies”….
I think he sounds like Slyvester the Cat after dollar beer night at the Bowling Alley…
I believe he may be a 150 pound Tom Turkey…
BUT he didn’t SAY a damn thing wrong….
There isn’t a DAMN thing in the Constitution of the United States that “Gives you the right to be Offended”
If you are that big a damn Wussy and searching the planet for something to offend you….
Look no further than right here…dumbass.
BIG 12 HEISMAN: This year the Heisman Trophy will belong to the Big 12….
It may be Texas Tech….
Could be Oklahoma….
Might be MO’S TIGERS….
It WILL be in Austin Texas…..
FLORIDA: Just for the Record….
The Mighty Gators of Florida won the 1984 Southeastern Conference Championship….
EDITORS NOTE: In case you didn’t know by now….
Yes, I can carry a grudge….
PENN STATE: All I heard before the season started….
“Jo Pa has Lost control of the team…..”
“The game has passed Jo Pa…”
This past week I even spoke with a guy that “claimed” to be an Alumni of Penn State and he said….
“Jo Pa has GOT to Go!……It’s Time!”
Then he admitted that “He didn’t really watch football……”
EDITORS NOTE: It is my belief….
That the guy I spoke with is either lying about going to Penn State or he is a communist..
However, it is also my belief that the extreme cold of living that close to the Arctic Circle causes permanent brain freeze….
SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE: We are still waiting to hear what you are going to do with the “Full-Contact” referee from the South Carolina – LSU Game?
EDITORS NOTE: Please don’t ask if I will forget all about it…..
You know better than that….
WISCONSIN: FOUR in a DAMN Row?
How can you cheese-heads lose FOUR in a DAMN ROW?
You are killing my average….
You know that right?
NAVY: SOOOooooo I pick you to “Win”….
I pick you to “Lose”…
Why can’t we all just get along?
ARMY: Please see “Navy” above….
COMMERCIALS: What is the deal with Dr. Pepper?
Are athletes that haven’t been on television in over 25 years suppose to make us drink “More” Dr. Pepper?
Maybe showing an out of work actor from a 20 year old situational comedy will do the trick?
Are you all stupid or just out of touch?
STOP IT!….It’s annoying.
COMMERCIALS (PART II): I could not believe my own ears…..
Last week on ESPN College GameDay here were the order of commercials during the first hour….
“Subway”…The Five Dollar Foot-long commercial complete with the catchy theme music…
“Viagra”…The “Viva Viagra” commercial complete with the catchy theme music…
“Male Enhancement”…You guessed it…
Complete with some catchy theme music….
This subliminal messaging thing has gotten out of control…..
MICHIGAN STATE: The Spartans have a chance for glory this weekend….
Take advantage of it…..
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously…..
Are you guys STILL not on probation?
ALL the Reggie Bush $$$$$$$$ while he was still in school?
AFTER all that?
Reggie Bush’s Momma’s and Daddy’s house?
Where did the NCAA get YOUR investigators?
NATIONAL SPORTS MEDIA: I loved last weeks slobber fest between the Media and the $outhern California Trojan$…..
They tried to make the thrashing of the Washington State Cougars sound like the Trojan$ just beat the Klingons for Interstellar Domination….
ESPN: Did anyone have the misfortune of hearing the ESPN crew calling the Georgia Tech – Clemson game last Saturday?
I won’t rehash the level of stupidity between those two idiots….
There is no point in it…
But let me just say this….
The “Dumbass Twins” of Andre Ware and David Pasch….
Put the DUMB….
ESPN (PART II): Still no word about the Reggie Bush and Southern California Trojan Investigation?
You know I am going to KEEP doing this?
NCAA: You all have more TOOLS……than Lowes and Home Depot combined.
A BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY….
To THE Voice of COLLEGE Football…
MR. KEITH JACKSON…..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY and Whoa NELLY!
EMAIL Questions and ANSWERS
Q: Mike, you heard anything else about that invasion into Georgia?
Me and the Misses is in the Storm Shelter…
We thought we heard tanks the other day..
But it was just the garbage truck…
Is it safe to come out yet?
Carl and Joyce – Salem, Alabama
A: You two are Auburn Fans…Right?
Then I would stay in the storm shelter at least until Coach “Ears” Tommy gets his arrogant head out of his posterior…
Q: Dude, seriously….
Could the ABC College Football pregame with Kenny Chesney be any more gay?
Jim – Fort Collins, Colorado
A: No it couldn’t Jim….
Q: YOU is innorant as Hell!
They way you a bashing Coach Fulmers and them Vols, you sond like a hater!
As far as I concern…
You ain’t no better than Randall Hitler!
Porkchop – Big Lick, Tennessee
A: I am confused….
While studying at the University of Tennessee…
Were you a History or English major?
Q: Mike, can help us settle a bet we have at work?
Is it true that Carolina Gamecock Quarterback Chris Smelly almost went to Arkansas?
IF it is true…
Why didn’t he go to Arkansas?
The Boys from Carolina – Columbia, South Carolina
A: The Answer to your question is “Yes”…..
Chris Smelly “almost” went to Arkansas instead of South Carolina….
Why didn’t he?
I think he was afraid of how it might sound being in front of Casey Dick on the depth chart…
It just wouldn’t be right….
Q: Mike, when you aren’t writing what do you enjoy doing?
Holly – Biloxi, Mississippi
A: Thanks for asking Holly….
I enjoy long walks on the Beach…
and poking dead things with a stick….
Q: Mike we are studying American Indians in school!
What would you say your American Indian name would be?
Thanks a lot!
Sharon – Victoria, Texas
A: Good question Sharon…..
I would have to say….
“Runs with Beer….”
Q: Mike, Why did you call the “Big” Tennessee Volunteer booster John Thornton “Thunder Lips”?
Is that his nickname?
Shelly – Nashville, Tennessee
A: That “IS” his nickname Shelly….
But you don’t want to know HOW he got it…
But let me say this…
If you ever watch him eat a corndog..
He makes Kenny Chesney look completely Heterosexual….
Saturday October 25th
Alabama at Tennessee
This is Democrats and Republicans…
Cowboys and Indians….
Oil and Water….
Except it’s worse…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-17
Texas Tech at Kansas
The folks from Kansas haven’t seen this many fast moving Raiders since the James Boys…
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 38-24
Valdosta State at North Alabama
The Boys from “Upper” Bama have overcome an early season slip…..
These Big Cats are hungry….
Boston College at North Carolina
I have a question?
Is “Disco Inferno” south of Miami?
TAR HEELS 27-23
EDITORS NOTE: You hear that song in your head now….
Wake Forest at Miami (FL)
I think it is still Hurricane Season until the first of November…
So Enough said….
Eastern Michigan at Ball State
I would rather hear “Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting”…
Than “Disco Inferno..”
But that’s just me…
Cincinnati at Connecticut
The Queen City is known for it’s Chilli….
So what is Co-Net-I-cutt known for?
My point exactly….
Northwestern at Indiana
Since the Folks from Hoosier-ville refused my offer to have Jim Nabors sponsor the team for a year….
I just can’t pull for them any longer….
I CANNOT believe you didn’t want to be called the “Gomers!”
SHAZAM! Would have made for a great entrance….
Illinois at Wisconsin
It’s too close to Halloween to go against….
ZOOKS FIGHTN PUMPKINS
Minnesota at Purdue
Have you seen the Purdue Mascot “Purdue Pete”?
That damn thing’s head is almost as big as Wynonna Judd’s!
Notice I said….”almost”.
Oooo SO GOLDEN GOPHERS 23-21
Oklahoma at Kansas State
The Wildcats will keep it close….
Until they hear…”And the Rockets Red Glare….”
Then they will be down by two touchdowns…
BOOMER SOONERS 44-17
Kentucky at Florida
My Beloved Big Blue Fans….
I wish I had better news for you….
MIGHTY GATORS 38-14
Carson Newman at Brevard College
I knew a rich kid once named Brevard…
He was the only child….
His momma and daddy got him a pet monkey for his birthday….
That damn thing got out and pooped all over the house and tore the curtians off the walls….
It was funny as hell…
You know something?
I almost feel guilty about letting that thing out of it’s cage..
SPARKS EAGLES 34-24
Baylor at Nebraska
Have I mentioned that the Baylor School of Medicine is one of the finest medical schools in the country?
I know it doesn’t really fit here…
But I always like to have something positive say before a team gets an ass whippin…
Georgia at LSU
No Upset Special….
This is just how it is…..
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS! 24-21
Louisiana Tech at Army
Vince Dooley’s son is the Head Coach of Tech….
That’s good enough for me….
UNLV at Brigham Young
I bet the folks from Vegas that travel to the game in Provo think they are in HELL…..
Anderson at Defiance
What are they “defying” and why?
Duke at Vanderbilt
I love it when smart kids fight….
It’s sooooo cute.
Fresno State at Utah State
I know it doesn’t fit here…
But have you ever thought…
That Waffle House is too Southerners…
What Starbucks is too yankees?
Just a thought…
Rice at Tulane
Anytime I hear “Green Wave…”
I think the toilet has over flowed…
Oklahoma State at Texas
How can you go against a Quarterback named after my favorite firearm manufacturer?
THAT’S MY POINT!
Virginia Tech at Florida State
This past week Coach Bobby was asked what he thought about Tommy getting fired…
“Thomas Edison was the smartest kid in my class…It doesn’t surprise me that he invented fire..”
It’s sad really…..
South Florida at Louisville
YOU can take this one to the bank….
And that is…
NO BULL 27-17
Michigan State at Michigan
This past week I called a “certain” Wolverine Coach…
And left him a message…
“The Garden Club called and they want their Ho Back…”
He immedately sent his wife to Ace Hardware….
(I don’t believe he gets it…)
Rutgers at Pittsburg
I would watch this game…..
The History of Toast is on the Food Channel…..
UCLA at California
I wonder if “Disco Fever” and…
“Boogie Fever” are the same thing?
Virginia at Georgia Tech
The only thing going for Tech is the “Varsity”….
Which is across the street….
So technically they don’t have anything going for them…
YELLOW JACKETS 6-3
North Carolina State at Maryland
I will not doubt the power of the Ninja Turtles (again..)
Especially if Pizza is involved…
NINJA TURTLES 28-17
Southern Methodist at Navy
Saddle Up Boys!
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-31
Quachita Baptist at Southwest Baptist
There will be alot of Baptist fighting in this one…
There better not be any dancing!
New Mexico State at Idaho
I wonder if “Ida” had a sister named “Ima”…
The she would be Ima…
Wyoming at Texas Christian
The Cowboys can’t ride these Horned Frogs…
They just can’t…
HORNED FROGS 34-10
Colorado at Missouri
Last week MO understood the meaning of a Texas Beat Down….
MO KNOWS Football (again…)
MO’S TIGERS 38-34
Mississippi at Arkansas
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt….
Sometimes you don’t…
This week I do…
Dixie State at Azusa Pacific
You had me at “Dixie”….
GIVE EM HELL!
Texas A&M at Iowa State
I am not a fan of the “new” Aggie Coaching Staff….
But the “Aggie War Hymn” is motivating as hell….
GIG EM AGGIES 27-17
MTSU at Mississippi State
“M.T.S.U.” sounds like an ingredient in dog food….
That’s good enough for me…
Penn State at Ohio State
Jo Pa has not won a game in the Big Horseshoe since the Lions joined the Big Ten…er…Eleven Conference.
That trend continues Saturday Night…
Southern Miss at Memphis
Just for the record….
I still miss Coach Jeff Bower…
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-20
Notre Dame at Washington
Does it “really” matter?
Of course not…..
FIGHTING IRISH 33-10
Colorado State at San Diego State
I would watch this game….
But I am going to watch Mike Tyson try to solve the “Soul Train Scramble Board”…
In case you were wondering…
The show is scheduled for three hours…
Southern California at Arizona
ANOTHER “Classic” matchup in the PAC 10!
HOW Bout those STYLE Points!
Sunday October 26th
Central Florida at Tulsa
What do we have here….
Golden Knights and Golden Hurricanes….
Sounds like Kenny Chesney’s Birthday Party…
GOLDEN HURRICANES 38-17
EDITORS NOTE: Sorry…that was just wrong.
Nevada at Hawaii
Seeing this game scheduled for Sunday Night….
Makes me wish “Dog the Bounty Hunter” was on Sunday Nights too….
I just wish for too much…
WARRIORS Pop’n and Lock’n on RAINBOWS 34-31
Enjoy Your games!
Please Check back this Sunday….
I am afraid this is going to be a short season for me….