College Football Update!

August 3, 2008

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Until I leave in another couple of months I will be providing your picks and pronostications on the weekend.

Next weekend, in preparation for the opening kickoff to our beloved College Football 2008 Season, I will provide you the “College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza” with Conference and Championship Picks and pronostications. No need to thank me, your adulation embarrasses me.

This weekend we have reports from a variety of teams and conferences and a sample of the oddest collection of emails I have ever received. So let’s get to it.

FLORIDA STATE: As reported early in the week, Coach Bobby Bowden was said to have found the restroom “All By Himself”. Unfortunately Coach Bobby relieved himself in the sink and was reported to have been screaming at the hand drier “Hey Everybody! It’s a Jet Engine!” It’s sad really.

OKLAHOMA: This week Coach Bob Stoops dismissed one of the most highly touted freshman wide receivers in the country before he ever arrived in Norman.

Josh Jarboe of Decatur Georgia was sent “packing” after he posted an obscenity laced rap video on YouTube that referenced shooting people and then proceeded to follow up that stroke of genius by being arrested on the Campus of his High School for carrying a gun.

No word yet on when Bobby Bowden or Phil Fulmer will offer him a scholarship.

EDITORS NOTE: You are thinking it, so I will say it. That kid is a dumbass.

MICHIGAN: Last week Coach Rod’s wife shows up at a Wolverine Alumni gathering dressed like a ten dollar hooker and Vh1 announced that “Rock of Love III with Bret Michaels is currently being cast.”

Coincidence? I think not.

TENNESSEE: During the Southeastern Conference media days Coach Phil Fulmer was served with a subpoena to give a deposition in the case against disassociated boosters relating to the NCAA investigation of the University of Alabama.

Why is this important? For starters; Fat Phil and his “personal” attorney Jeff Hagood stated in 2003 that Phil Fumer would give a deposition in the case “as soon as the Coach’s schedule allowed.” Coach Phil then proceded to skip the 2004 Southeastern Conference Media days to avoid being served in the case and attempted to pass the $10,000 dollar fine for skipping the conference off to the University.

To make matters even more comical, if that’s possible, Coach Phil tried to claim that he wasn’t “served” at the recent conference media days, that he was “only signing an autograph.”

What are you? Stupid or just illiterate?

EDITORS NOTE: Much like you, I would believe that Coach Phil was “really” that busy for the last five years if Knoxville had a 24 hour Krispy Kreme, but they don’t.

WEST VIRGINIA: At the recent Big East Conference Media days Mountaineer Quarterback Pat White decided that he didn’t want to talk about West Virginia’s chances to win the Conference Championship or discuss the latest Bowl win in 2007. Instead, Pat White thought this would be a good time to claim the West Virginia Mountaineer BASEBALL team was racist because (In his opinion) they didn’t have enough black baseball players on the team.

Wait, aren’t you the quarterback of the Football team?
I have a novel idea; at the Big East Football Media Days why don’t you talk about FOOTBALL?

EDITORS NOTE: If anyone out there REALLY believes that a coach of a Major University Sports program wouldn’t want the best athletes on the field to win regardless of their color, religion or shoe size, then let me be the first to tell you. Congratulations; You are a dumbass.

LSU: Recently at a Fightn’ Tiger Alumni function Coach Miles made some unflattering remarks and jokes about the University of Alabama. Why Coach? Is the National Championship not enough for you?

Let me be the first to remind you Coach that you WON with Coach Sabans recruits, not yours.

You will not remain at the top of the ladder forever, after all this is the Southeastern Conference.

And lastly as Coach Bryant used to say; “Win without bragging and lose without excuse.”

GEORGIA: If the Dawgs have anymore arrests they won’t be able to field a two man row boat team.
Stop acting like Florida State and Tennessee, you all are Georgia for God’s Sake.

PENN STATE: Some Idiot Alumni of Penn State is banging the drum that “Jo Pa has lost control of the Nittany Lion football team” and should be fired.

Are you serious? Compared to what team, Yale? They don’t even have a marching band.

Jo Pa is a GIANT of the Game. Period. He should be allowed to retire when he damn well wants too.

Enough said.

EDITORS NOTE: It’s comments like this that confirms my dislike for yankees.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: So whatever happened to the NCAA and PAC 10 Investigation into the Trojans and Reggie Bush?

Go ahead ESPN, ignore it if you want and talk about how the “Mexican-American community have embraced Mark Sanchez as a Hero” and any number of other stupid articles about U$C.

We are still waiting.

Email Questions and Answers

Q: Hello! Welcome to Candyland! (I sometimes like starting my emails out like that!)
I am new to your column and have a question for you that I hope you can help me with.
I have a pet chinchilla named Skippy that I LOVE! I want to dress him up for college football games, but can’t find any place that has uniforms or college game day clothes to fit him, can you help?
Stuart – Irvine, California
A: You are a Southern California Trojan fan, aren’t you Stu?

Q: Mike we are expecting a BIG year for the Florida State Seminoles!
I have a question that I am sure you can help me out with!
Does Coach Bobby wear anything “lucky” to give him that extra confidence during a game?
Chuck – Fort Meyers, Florida
A: Depends

Q: Mike, I come from a family of hardworking oil drillers. My grandfather, Dad and four brothers are all oil drillers. The decision to follow my dream of becoming a puppeteer and a background dancer for children’s shows has resulted in me being ostracized by 92% of my family.
Let’s just say that I hear such phrases as “Worked on any new Fairy Dances lately Tim?” and “Hey Tim, why don’t you give us a private show with your lamb puppet?”

If this weren’t bad enough, I have to decided to come “out of the closet” and tell my family the news.

I am a Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket Fan.

Do you have any advice that could help me?
Tim – Lagrange, Georgia
A: You are on your own Tiny Dancer.

Q: Greetings! While watching a rerun of “Charles in Charge” starring Scott Baio an idea popped into my head! I don’t get out of the house much but love to experiment and mix chemicals in my basement. Using a combination on melted deodorant, cheap cologne and some old hair gel, I wish to create a new cologne for me entitled BAIO! I believe those elements would re-create the vibrant smell of the real life Chachi!

So my question is this, if I were to create a unique cologne for the Greatest Coach in Tennessee History what would I need? I am going to call it PHAT Phil (You know as in “Pretty Hot and Tempting”)
What do you think?
Dale – Dunlap, Tennessee
A: I would go with the above ingredients and add a Krispy Kreme Bear Claw and Jelly donut, a scoop or two of Lard and a cup of Bull Crap and consider re-naming the cologne BFL; you know, as in Big Fat Liar.

Lastly Dale, Just say “No to Drugs.”

Only 27 Days until Kickoff…..


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2 Responses to College Football Update!

  1. The BamaPrincess on August 3, 2008 at 11:31 pm

    Omygosh – omigosh! This is hysterical! I am sending this out – another article makes the rounds in my email!!! Whatever you’re taking – keep on and send some to me!!! LOL Take Care! Roll Tide Forever!

    The BamaPrincess

  2. MEB on August 9, 2008 at 10:39 pm

    Thank you Bama Princess….Enjoy!


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