Ladies and Gentlemen –
I will apologize in advance as this may be your only update this week. However we do have some college football news to report and some Email Q & A to cover for your information and entertainment.
So let’s get to it shall we?
DUKE: A Kentucky judge has confirmed what Duke football fans have known for years: Their football team is as bad as it gets.
Bad enough that Louisville should have to find another football team to replace the Blue Devils without penalty after Duke pulled out of the final three games of a four game contract last season.
In a lawsuit filed late last year, Louisville asked for $450,000 dollars in damages and any additional damages the court saw fit to award.
But Duke’s lawyers argued that the Blue Devils performance on the field was so poor that any Division I team would suffice as a replacement. Duke is 6-45 over the past five years and 13-90 since 1999.
Simply put, eleven hamsters would provide a bigger challenge to an opposing team.
NOTRE DAME: How bad is your football program when your Athletic Director would leave for the same position at Duke? Well, the Fighting Irish Athletic Director Kevin White did that just last week.
EDITORS NOTE: This is a sure sign that you suck.
OLYMPICS: Believe it or not, in Las Vegas this week a group is meeting to determine who will represent the United States in an Olympic demonstration of “Rock-Paper-Scissors”, in hopes that this will become an actual Olympic event in the near future.
One gibbering idiot was quoted as saying: “The manual dexterity and mental acuity to be a champion in this sport is equal to any sport anywhere in the world.”
EDITORS NOTE: What are we going to hear next? Wang Chang Foo is the Mark Spitz of “Rock-Paper-Scissors”? Kill me now.
ALABAMA: This week starting linebacker and one time running back Jimmy Johns was arrested in a drug sting by local police on five counts of selling cocaine.
Coach Nick Saban immediately responded with this statement: “This type of behavior obviously will not be tolerated and he is no longer a part of our program.”
EDITORS NOTE: Please note that at no time did Coach Nick say “He was looking into it” or “Waiting for all the facts” or even mention giving Johns another chance.
For the fans in Tallahassee and Knoxville; this is how it is done.
NCAA: Just in case you were wondering. We are all STILL waiting to hear about the investigation into Reggie Bush and Southern California.
EMAIL Q and A
Q: You wrote that “Most California fans” are of the “fair weather” type. In your mind, what constitutes a fair weather fan?
Brad – La Jolla, California
A: There are alot of ways to determine a fair weather fan Brad. But lets take a look at the most noticeable.
If all your college game day wear STILL has the price tag on it and it hasn’t been washed and not because it’s “lucky”, then you are most certainly a “fair weather” fan.
In California Speak: If the brand new shirt fits, then I don’t have to acquit.
Q: Mike, couldn’t you at least “try” and be a fan of the University of Southern California Trojans?
Jenna – Los Angeles, California
A: I would rather play Twister with Rosie O’Donnell.
EDITORS NOTE: I made myself throw up with that visual, sorry.
Q: Hello? Ever heard of the Ivy League?
Roxanne -Ithaca, New York
A: No I haven’t and you want to know why? Because your marching bands suck. And as a side note: Your cheerleaders look like they could floss with a number two pencil.
Q: For your information San Jose State is a “big” in-state rivalry game with both the University of Southern California and the Golden Bears of California!
Juan – Berkeley, California
A: Has anybody ever gotten killed over the results of the football game or divorced over your team affiliations? Then it’s not a “Big” rivalry game dumbass.
Q: How dare you dismiss AI Day on Trojan gameday! Amensty International Day brought “awareness” to the plight of the political prisoners unlawfully detained in this country! I am sure that the concept of justice is too difficult for you to understand!
Stephan G. – Los Angeles, California
A: I understand a lot of things Stephan. For example, I understand that you are a wussy with too much time on your hands.
Q: Why all the hostility towards California? Frankly it saddens me. I believe that if we just shake hands, it will send a message of hope and peace and understanding. What do you say?
Amarella Sanchez – Encinitas, California
A: Shaking hands with someone from southern California is like shaking hands with a damp Twizzler.
Only 64 Days until Kickoff………
RTR
MEB