TGIF (Almost) with Hootie Snitch

Hey everybody it’s your ole buddy Hootie Snitch!
The Number Damn One Vol Fan on the planet! Hell, maybe even the universe!

I know you’re a thinking that I am supposed to right something tomorrow, it being Friday and all.
Before you ask I ain’t a bit superstitious about righting on Friday the 13th!
But after that flu bug or whatever done jumped on the website a few weeks ago, I ain’t taken no chances!

Tell you the truth I never knew a damn machine could catch the flu, did you?

Before I get going on this weeks email questions and answers I just got to comment on that picture of young Phil Fulmer Junior I seen in this column a week or so ago.
He’s a good looking boy ain’t he?
You can sure see the donut didn’t fall very far from the box there!
He looks just like Coach Fulmer!

Now that we done got that out of the way let’s get to what I like to call: “Keep’n It Real with Hootie Snitch”
That is catchy as hell ain’t it?

Q: Hootie, you wrote some time ago that you didn’t know “Victoria’s Secret” but did know Earlene’s Secret. Care to share with us what that might be?
Ken – Little Rock, Arkansas
A: She will whip your ass after she gets liquored up but around here that ain’t no secret.

Q: You are like so funny and everything! Like seriously! I really like get a kick out of reading your articles. Do you have an IM account?
Stephanie -Newport Beach, California
A: IM right here at the Ole Casa Da Hootie in Baneberry Tennessee!

Q: Hootie we were wondering if you have invented anything else after the folks at McDonalds decided to pass on your McPossum and McMuskrat sandwich ideas?
Alex -Boone, North Carolina
A: Them folks at McDonalds wouldn’t know a good idea if it reached up and bit em, which that possum I brought for the “display” did to one of them McDonald’s folks.
I sure hope that fella’s stitches come out alright.
But to answer your question Alex, I invented something that is going to make me richer than Ernest Tubb!

Alex what does everybody need during the summertime? Sun Block, am I right?

Well I done invented some Sun Block that the pharmacist assistant down at the Wal-Mart here says must be a SF 4000! I ain’t really sure what the whole SF thing means, but I figured the higher it was the better it is! And it don’t get no higher than “Hooties Miracle Sun Block”!

I will let you in on a little secret Alex, what it actually is….plumber’s putty.
But it works like a damn charm and you can even mold it into a hat if you want too!
Hell, I am wearing a hat made out of it right now!

Q: Hootie, I think you are a “little off” on your latest rant concerning the reining National Champion LSU Tigers and Coach Les Miles. The headlines around the country that you referenced stated……

“DUE TO HIGH GAS PRICES AMERICA IS DRIVING LESS MILES THIS SUMMER”

This means that Americans will be driving LESS miles this summer, understand?
Eddie -Thibodaux, Louisiana
A: I know damn well what it said and you ain’t tricking me into driving your Coach no damn where!

Q: Hootie do you have any plans to see any movies while we wait for the start of the 2008 College Football Season?
Valerie – Stuttgart, Arkansas
A: I am still a waiting on another one of them Ernest movies to hit the screen, but until then I figure we will just watch the video of Uncle Todd’s colonoscopy again.
It’s kind of like watching “Journey to the Center of the Earth.”

Q: My question is this: What kind of team do you think the Chippewa’s will have this year and do you think a real contender will emerge from the Mid-American Conference this year?
Tom – Mount Pleasant, Michigan
A: You making this up? Because this sounds made up to me. I never heard of nothing you just said. What is a Chippewa anyway? Is that like a miniature groundhog?

Q: Do you have any opinions about Yale this year?
Reginald – New Haven, Connecticut
A: Well I yale all the damn time around here, especially when the phone don’t work or the satellite goes out during Jerry Springer.

Q: Hootie as a rabid Tennessee Fan what is the most amazing thing you have ever seen in Neyland Stadium?
Jimmy – Altus, Oklahoma
A: That’s an easy one Jimmy! I was at a game in Neyland stadium two years ago with my partner in crime Scooter Johnson. I don’t remember who we was playing but right before halftime ole Scooter was getting ready to sneeze and when he sneezed Scooter broke wind at the same time and I thought his damn head was going to pop off!

That was without a doubt the most amazing thing I ever seen!

Hootie – Out!

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