The official kickoff of the 2010 College Football Season is just days away…
And as you might expect your Week One College Football Picks will be out on Thursday
just in time for the start of the 2010 season.

But until then…..
I present your last installment of the Preseason College Football Extravaganza…
We will keep it short and sweet with late breaking college football new…..
and your long awaited prognostications on your Conference Championships

Let’s get down to business…

Enjoy……

Before we discuss this seasons “Contenders and Pretenders”
Let’s catch up on College Football Team News from around the country.

BREAKING COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

Tallahassee, Florida:

Former Seminole Coach turned “author” Bobby Bowden is reported to have stolen the title of his new book “Called to Coach” from legendary Summerville South Carolina High School Coach John McKissick who penned a book with the same title in 1993.

When Coach Bobby was asked about this fact…..
He said he didn’t know who John McKissick was…

Really Coach? The reason I ask is this…..
YOU wrote an ENDORSEMENT on the COVER of Coach McKissick’s book…
Not to mention you have RECRUITED heavily in that area for years!

EDITORS NOTE: So you still don’t think Bobby is senile?

Salt Lake City, Utah:

Utah State University President Stan Albrecht is under fire for the disintegration of the once proud Western Athletic Conference (WAC) as Brigham Young seeks to play as an Independent and Nevada and Fresno State prepare to bolt for the Mountain West Conference in 2011.

It has been reported the board of trustees at Utah State University will be meeting to decide President Albrecht’s future with the university.

EDITORS NOTE: If you are wondering why this wasn’t reported by the national sports media, the answer is quite simple. This is happening in the WAC and nobody cares and neither should you.

INSIDE THE HUDDLE
On a recent episode of HBO’s “Hard Knocks” Inside the New York Jet’s Training Camp

This conversation was captured between two New York Jet veteran players concerning the level of intensity at practice of recent draft choice Joe McKnight from the University of Southern California Trojans.

“I thought they said he was all that, how come he doesn’t get after it”

“Maybe he’s not happy with his contract”

“He came from the Southern California Trojans, right?
He’s probably mad because he had to take a pay cut to come here”

EDITORS NOTE: Enough said….

THE CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS

BIG TEN, sorry I mean ELEVEN or TWELVE

Once again the Mighty Ohio State Buckeyes will take the Conference crown.
The only legitimate threat to the Buckeyes supremacy…..
Will come from the Iowa Hawkeyes when they meet in Kinnick Stadium on November 20th.

For those of you who are Fans of the Great Coach Jo Pa…
The Nittany Lions will do well, but fall short of the conference title…

The University of Illinois minus Chief Illini (Because he is a racist)
will be bowl eligible this year, believe it.

The Wisconsin Badgers are always dangerous as always….
and will threaten the Buckeyes on their trip to Madison.

The Michigan Wolverines “might” win six games this year, but I wouldn’t bet on it….
Coach Rod will “retire” or “step-down” at the end of the season….
(Because no coach at Michigan gets fired, right?)
Your new coach will be Les Miles of LSU, believe it…

BIG 12 “LITE”
(It has all the flavor of the Big 12, but less calories)

Nebraska will win the North Division of the BIG 12 (again) this year….
Remember you heard it here first…

The South Division will be ruled by the Mighty Longhorns of Texas
and will soundly thump the Oklahoma Sooners in the Red River Shoot-out in October.

The Oklahoma State Cowboys will continue to be scary

Dan Hawkins of the Colorado Buffalos will be fired by November

Some disgruntled Sooner fans will be calling for Coach Stoops head by December

The Baylor Bears will continue to be everyone’s Homecoming Game…

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE

The Eastern Division of the Conference will be ruled by the Mighty Gators of Florida

The Georgia Bulldogs will make a run and fall short of expectations…

The Kentucky Wildcats will improve as will the South Carolina Gamecocks

The Tennessee Volunteer Fans….
Will be calling for Coach Derek Dooley to be fired by the end of the season…Believe it.

The Vanderbilt Commodores would have been in good shape if the dumbass alumni and boosters hadn’t tried to tell Coach Johnson how to run his program.
I mean after all, he only took the Commodores to their first bowl game in 100 years.
Dumbass’s

The Western Division will be won by the defending National Champions…..

The University of Alabama Crimson Tide
But they will have competition….

The Arkansas Razorbacks have the best quarterback in the country…
And if they can muster some defense, they could take the crown from Alabama.

The LSU Tigers will be dangerous this year and if they can stay health, they could find themselves in Atlanta

The Auburn Tigers are better, much better than has been reported
And they too have the ability to shake up the standings and make a run at the Division Crown.

Coach Dan Mullen of Mississippi State has the Bulldogs on the rise….

I don’t have anything good to say about Houston Nutt or Ole Miss….
So I won’t say anything at all….

ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE

The Virginia Tech Hokies will win the Coastal Division Crown this year and the Florida State Seminoles will win the Atlantic Division, despite not being on the Atlantic Ocean.

But I wouldn’t count out…..

The Clemson Tigers….
The Yellow Jackets of Georgia Tech…
The Hurricanes of Miami….

My Upset Sleeper…
The Mighty Clemson Tigers
Don’t count them out of any game this year…

CONFERENCE USA

The Southern Miss Golden Eagles will win the Eastern Division of the Conference..

The Western Division will be won by the Houston Cougars…
Believe it….
And the Cougars will win the Conference title this year

My Proud Ponies of SMU will return to a Bowl game again this year

The Tulsa Golden Hurricanes won’t be going to a Bowl game
(I still think their nickname sounds nasty…)

The Thundering Herd will take the Son’s of Marshall Bowling this year…

And as a side note….
To get you in the mood for the upcoming college football season
Be sure and see “We Are Marshall”
Not only is my buddy Matthew McConaughey in it, but it is a great movie.
If you haven’t seen it, you don’t know what you are missing…

EDITORS NOTE:
Matthew, I told you I would get a plug in for you…

PAC 10 or 11….12?

Not that I care, because I don’t….

But despite what all the talking heads in the sports media say about Stanford and Oregon..
I will tell you the Mighty Washington Huskies will win the Conference Title this year…providing Jake Locker stays healthy.

My sleeper pick….
The Oregon State Beavers
With one of the toughest schedules in the nation….
If they are able to survive the early half of the season they will be dangerous….

BIG EAST

The Pittsburg Panthers should win the Big East this year.
If they don’t win the crown, look for Coach Dan to be shown the door..

The West Virginia Mountaineers will challenge for the title….
If they don’t….
Their beloved Coach may be sent packing

This year Coach Holtz will be on the South Florida sidelines coaching the Bulls.
(Not that coach Holtz, the one that doesn’t sound like Sylvester the cat)

The Louisville Cardinals will have Coach Charlie Strong at the helm
he is one of the finest defensive coordinators in the game today….
I wish him well; he has a lot of work to do….

Also the Orange of Syracuse will continue to suck….

WESTERN ATHLETIC CONFERENCE

The Broncos of Boise State will win the Conference Title this year (Big surprise)
But they will not go undefeated this season….

MOUNTAIN WEST

The Mighty Horned Frogs of Texas Christian University will once again win the Conference Title
and very well may be in the mix for the Championship game at the end of the year.

But you better keep your eye on the two Utes from Utah…

THE ARMED FORCES TROPHY
The winner of the 2010 Armed Forces Trophy will be….
I will give you a hint….

It rhymes with “Gravy”…..

INDEPENDENTS

This is just too easy…

There is Notre Dame and NBC….

Merritt Hooligan’s Taxidermy Academy

McDonald’s McRib University

The remaining members of “O-Town”

The Muppets

I am going to go out on a limb and pick the Golden Gnome’s

THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

My Guess…..
The Horned Frogs of Texas Christian and The Ohio State Buckeyes

EDITORS NOTE: Shocked?

There is more on the way…..

Hootie Snitch will check in tomorrow….
With his unique and often disturbing view of college football
And Thursday your Week One College Football Picks will be out….

So Stay Tuned……

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Welcome back my friends, I have missed you all.

Despite being in exile in a rather hostile and uncivilized land…
I would rather be caught in an “I (Heart) the NCAA” T-Shirt that ever disappoint my beloved fans.

EDITORS NOTE:
Before you ask, “No”, I am not trapped in OBKnoxville or Los Angeles.

Why do I endeavor such a herculean task under such austere conditions you may ask? Because I care, that’s why.

With that being said, Welcome to the 2010 College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza.

Enjoy……

Over the years I have introduced your Pre-Season College Football Extravaganza with a variety of openings…
such as the wildly popular “College Football Etiquette 101” and such thought provoking entries as “How to make College Football Better”.

This Season, for those of you who are new to the College Football Experience and for those fans that are veterans at college football preparation.
I have prepared a “How To” for College Football Fans to further enhance your College Football experience in 2010.

THE “HOW TO” OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL

DRESSING FOR THE GAME

The Right Way….
The area of the country your team is located will have a direct impact on how one will dress for the upcoming game.
Much of this is culturally driven, but certainly there are other factors such as climate, traditions and geographical location.
One has the option of wearing a variety of team gear, and if traveling as a family unit…
it is advised that all participants should be in your favorite game day wear, to include infants and or pets.

The Wrong Way…
I was going to use this opportunity to address appropriate game day clothing but as we all know nearly everyone north of the Ohio River dresses like Nanok of the North on college football game days and the boys aren’t distinguishable from the girls; which is sad and disgusting.

When it comes to painting ones face or body it is vitally import that your celebration of your team blends appropriately with your apparel.
It is also important, even as students, that you understand not only “how to spell” the name of your university or mascot, but that someone in the group is in charge to place people in the appropriate locations.
Below is an example of how “Not” to do it.

GETTING TO THE STADIUM

The Right Way….
Decorating your vehicle with window flags and car magnets of your favorite college football team will announce your loyalties to passer bys and identify you as a supporter of your college team once you arrive on campus.

The Wrong Way….
Rainbow colored flags and other “diversity memorabilia”, to include “Make Peace NOT War” bumper stickers on your vehicle will send the wrong message even if you are from Los Angeles. Additionally, as a safety tip: This type of arrival to a college football game could result in an ass kicking in the following areas: Nebraska, Texas (anywhere), Clemson or anywhere in the Southeastern Conference.

ARRIVING AT THE STADIUM (PARKING)

The Right Way….
Once you are on campus, it is acceptable and permissible to play your teams fight song as loud as you can stand it and or honk the horn at other fans of equal standing in their love and devotion of the institution for which you support.

The Wrong Way….
Playing Celine Dion and or the theme from Titanic however is unacceptable, even if you are a “cultured” Southern California fan.
If you fall into this category please refer to “Safety Tip on Getting to the Stadium”

ON CAMPUS EXPERIENCE

The Right Way….
Vendors of all sorts should be available selling t-shirts to top hats of the home team’s logo and school colors.
A variety of food and drink should be available along with musical entertainment provided by the college marching band and
the appearance of the team’s cheerleaders, when applicable, always gets the crowd motivated.
Also, this is an excellent time to catch with old friends and acquaintances and discuss the upcoming game and a good time should be had by all.

Case in Point
The University of Texas

The Wrong Way….
If your college campus on game day resembles a party at Elton John’s house you may want to consider switching your affiliations.

Case in Point….
The University of Southern California Trojans

TAILGATING

The Right Way….
Tailgating is an art form that may take years to perfect.
Case in point, it is not uncommon for LSU Tiger Fans to begin tailgating the Monday or Tuesday before the game on Saturday night.
Tents and flags and grills of all shapes and sizes abound, with smoke bellowing for miles with the smell of the contents of the smoking beasts enough to make a vegetarian change their minds.
There is never a shortage of fine food and drink for Tiger fans or fans of opposing teams that happen to pass by.
One will frequently hear “Hey Fightn’ Tigers” and other LSU Favorites from loud speakers. Beer, wine and Bourbon are severed abundantly.

Another way to tailgate you might want to consider is when there is a navigable body of water close by your team’s stadium.
As an example; The Tennessee Volunteer fans boast of the “Vol Navy” with the Tennessee River flowing by Neyland Stadium.
This consist of a large number of intoxicated Tennessee fans in a variety of cut off jeans, overalls and other assorted Tennessee specific game day wear….
riding in Inner tubes and old bathtubs floating in a procession down the Tennessee river to “dock” near the stadium.

The Wrong Way…
Anything requiring the use of a microwave, other than popcorn or Velveeta is simply unacceptable.
Also, it’s important to understand the philosophy behind tailgating in general.
That being said an animal of some type needs to be sacrificed to provide an acceptable tailgating experience.
Be it beef, fowl, pork or reptile or any combination thereof must be cooked.
Not only is this ancient art of cooking meat outdoors delectable, but this also prevents our hallowed traditions from being trampled on by vegans, vegetarians and Muslims.

COLLEGE MARCHING BANDS

The Right Way….
Few College Marching Bands are as proud as TBDBITL….
That acronym stands for The Ohio State University’s Marching Band
“The Best Damn Band in the Land”
They certainly live up to the hype and you would be hard pressed to find a better college marching band anywhere in the country.

Certainly there are other great college marching bands, too many to mention in this short space.
But it is important to remember the premier college marching bands are precise in their movements, sound magnificent, have the ability to play a variety of classics and modern favorites and wear traditional uniforms with their school colors.

It is also worth mentioning the members of the college marching bands spend more time practicing for a performance that the actual athletic teams do on a normal basis.
So it is important to honor those young people and cheer for them as well.

The Wrong Way….
If your college marching band resembles the Salvation Army Homeless Band like Stanford’s or have uniforms that looked they were designed by a group of Meth Heads such as the Oregon Duck band, then perhaps you should skip the opening ceremonies as well as the half time festivities.

FLAG GIRLS & MAJORETTES

The Right Way….
Let me explain this in a way I hope you will all understand.
Simply Put: If you are a male living in the United States of America and you are between the ages of six and ninety years of age and you don’t find the Golden Girls from LSU or the University of Alabama Crimonettes attractive then you are gay.
Mystery solved no need to thank me.

The Wrong Way….
If your Flag Girls and or Majorettes are larger than the offensive or defensive lineman on your football team, then you have the wrong people in the wrong positions.

Noted Examples to the above:
Maine Bears, Michigan Wolverines, Notre Dame and the entire Ivy League

CHEERLEADERS

The Right Way….
They should be enthusiastic, attractive and have traditional uniforms and most importantly know and understand the cheers by heart.

Example: Alabama, Clemson, Florida, LSU, Texas, Penn State, Washington, Texas A&M

The Wrong Way….
This illustrated example is the opposite of the above description in regards to understanding “How to Cheer”

COLLEGE FOOTBALL COMMENTATORS

The Right Way….
Two Words: Keith Jackson
He is the voice of college football, always has been always will be.
He was never intrusive, always insightful and called it like he saw it without guile, prejudice or criticism.
There has never been anyone better – period.

Lee Corso: God Bless you coach, Saturday’s wouldn’t be the same without you.

Lou Holtz: Despite your constant spitting on Mark May every time you speak in the ESPN studio
(which I personally derive a great deal of enjoyment from)
I admire your insight and humor and telling it like it is attitude.

The Wrong Way….
Where to begin…..

Pam Ward with ESPN: Her voice is used to elicit confessions at Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay and has been called “cruel and unusual punishment” by Amnesty International.

Spencer Tillman: I loved him when he played at Oklahoma, but currently he wears more makeup than Little Richard.

John Saunders: His prejudice against all things Southern is only outweighed by his lack of knowledge of college football.
And that’s saying something….

Vern Lundquist and Gary Danielson: The syphilitic troll and his one-sided master of the obvious sidekick would make a deaf man’s ears bleed.

Brent Musburger: I will let Brent speak for himself in this section.
Here is quote from Brent on an Alabama Crimson Tide game during the 2007 season.

“The folks in Alabama are paying Nick Saban a lot of money folks; it doesn’t look like they are getting their money’s worth, does it.”

EDITORS NOTE: Two undefeated regular seasons, a Heisman Trophy winner and a National Championship later
I think it’s apparent that Brent is a complete Dumbass.

Archie Manning: He cannot string two sentences together without referencing his two children playing in the NFL.
WE GET IT JACKASS!
YOUR KIDS PLAY IN THE N-F-L! NOW SHUT THE HELL UP!

ESPN’s Mark May: His cousin must own stock in ESPN, because this gibbering idiot couldn’t get a job anywhere else.

Bob Griese: Do you know how you can tell when Bob is going to say something stupid?
His lips are moving.

ESPN’s Desmond Howard: If he was actually able to but a simple sentence together during a telecast I would be amazed.
This may explain how he graduated from the University of Michigan with a degree in “Public Speaking”.

ESPN’s Wendi Nix: She is dumber than a sack of horse turds and wears more makeup than Tammy Faye Baker.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL REFEREES

The Right Way….
It is important for college football referees and replay officials to be fair and honest in their appraisals of each play.
This comes through constant training and education as well as review of each game by conference officials.
The conferences will constantly grade and evaluate the professionalism and effectiveness of the individuals in this field and suspend or relieve those referees that are ineffective or incompetent, because accountability is the key to the integrity of the game.
The conferences will also ensure the individuals responsible for the conduct of the games are properly vetted through a process similar to background checks for security clearances.
This is important to ensure, unlike the NBA, that referees are above reproach and not susceptible to bribes or other enticements to sway their opinions during the course of a game.

The Wrong Way….
Currently the above is not being done in any conference in the country and despite the never ending NCAA witch hunts from textbooks to college parties;
they aren’t interested in ensuring accountability from the referees either.
Hence the problem….

TRADITIONAL PRE-GAME KICK OFF CHANTS

The Right Way…
Prior to kickoff the home crowd, as well as visitors will stand on their feet and as the ball is struck by the kicker to send the ball down the field the following is either performed or yelled by the home crowd.

Marshall: Thirty Thousand Thundering Herd fans will shout in unison “We Are Marshall!” as the ball is kicked down the field.

Florida: Ninety Thousand Gator fans will perform the famous “Gator Chomp” as kickoff ensues.

Arkansas: Eighty Thousand Razorback Fans adorned in “Hog Wear”
will shout before kickoff “Whoooooooo…” and then as the ball is struck they will yell “Pigs!”
and then quickly there after as the ball is sailing down the field “Sooieeeeeee”.

The Wrong Way…

Duke: Nearly half a dozen Blue Devil fans will shout “O Hell here we go again!” as the ball is kicked down the field.

Washington State: Prior to kickoff, almost two dozen fans of the Mighty Cougars will cover their heads with paper bags and wish silently that they were Washington Huskies Fans.

Indiana: At the opening kickoff nearly a hundred Hoosier fans will shout “What the Hell is a Hoosier?”

FIGHT SONGS

The Right Way….
There are too many outstanding college fight songs to mention here.
The great traditional fight songs we know by heart and they stir the emotions of the crowd and raise Goosebumps and bring a tear to the eye of many alumni and fan.

The Eyes of Texas..

Yea Alabama….

Hey Fightn’ Tigers….

The Aggie War Hymn…

The Wrong Way….
Simply put, if the fight song in question is either to confusing or doesn’t have any references to victory or storming down the field or in some cases is rather depressing or encourages dangerous behavior, then it is less than effective in encouraging the fans.

Case in point…..
The University of Tennessee marching band used to play “Down the Field” which has references to loyalty to the football team, cheering and fighting for the Volunteers of Tennessee.

Then for reasons I cannot comprehend, the University of Tennessee began playing “Rocky Top” like a broken Jukebox with one record. The song has nothing to do with football or the University of Tennessee but does talk about such intriguing topics as:

“Ain’t no smoggy smoke on Rocky Top, Ain’t no telephone bills, Once I had a girl on Rocky Top, half bear, the other half cat, wild as a mink, but sweet as soda pop. I still dream about that”

EDITORS NOTE: If you get excited about a “fight song” that brags about the fact you don’t have electricity or telephones
and the best looking women in your area are mutants, then perhaps you need another “fight song”.

Another noted example in this section comes from Texas A& I and their fight song “Jalisco”. For your reading pleasure is the first stanza:

“Ay, Jalisco, Jalisco
Jalisco tu tienes
Tu novia
Que es Guadalajara
Muchacha bonita
La peria mas rara
De todo Jalisco
Es mi Guadalajara”

EDITORS NOTE: If your fight song isn’t in English, then you shouldn’t be allowed to play football. Enough said….

MASCOTS

The Right Way….
There are a number of Great College Mascots…
You know who there are…..
Their very presence sends the crowd into frenzy.
College football fans will line up for hours to have a picture taken with their mascot.
There is…..

UGA the English Bulldog from the University of Georgia

BEVO the Texas Longhorn from the University of Texas

Mike the Tiger from Louisiana State University

The Wrong Way…
There are too many to mention here…
But suffice to say if the mascot in question doesn’t represent the university nickname then often times it is confusing to the fans
and thus becomes more of a distraction than a motivational tool.

Noted examples to this section…

Indiana University: Since know one knows what the hell a Hoosier actually is this becomes a constant point of friction with fans asking themselves “What are we?”

University of Oregon: The Ducks used to have a mascot that resembled Disney’s Donald Duck dressed in the green and white of Oregon and he was quite the fan favorite.

Since the university administration sold their soul’s to NIKE for sponsorships they have opted to allow NIKE to design their mascot uniform which changes from year to year, much like their university football teams uniforms.

Currently the Oregon Duck mascot looks like the offspring of a gay Mister Peanut and a Raptor than a Duck.

Congratulations…

Purdue University: Despite the fact Purdue Pete scares small children and frightens the elderly with his large and cumbersome bulbous head and has a face that looks like the lead character in “Mask”, it is nice to know that he has returned to the dating scene.

WHEN VIEWING THE GAME AT HOME

The Right Way….
You are encouraged to decorate your house (inside as well as outside)
with various adornments to include university flags etc.
One should be wearing university colors and logos, this goes for significant others in the household and children as well.

The following is also encouraged on game day at your home or residence:

It’s important to establish “healthy boundaries” for you and your guests on College Football Game Days.
This will further enhance the experience for you as well as your guests and provide a warm and comfortable environment to enjoy the festivities.
Opposing fans visiting your household should be treated as honored guests and be allowed to partake of food and drink at their hearts desire, until such time as they begin trash talking about the level of competency of your team and then it’s permissible to tell them to “Grab their #hit and get the hell out of your house” even if it is your local pastor.

If you’re next door neighbor, with whom you have a wonderful relationship with, is a fan or supporter of your arch rival.
Then it is permissible on college football game day to give any member of that particular family the preverbal middle finger while exchanging pleasantries when retrieving the morning paper.

The verbal exchange may go something like this:

Tim: Nice day isn’t it Joe?

Joe: Up yours Timmy! I hope your family contracts cholera!

EDITORS NOTE:
This exchange is permissible on College Football Game day as long as he is a fan of your arch rival, even if the neighbor in question is your local pastor.

It is also permissible to scream at the television set knowing full well that no one on the other end can hear you or grasp your jesters.
Please inform your guests that you are aware of this fact and please remind them if they mention this fact more than once in an effort to elicit humor, then you are obligated to tell them to “Grab their #hit and get the hell out of your house” even if it is your local pastor.

The only person allowed to touch or operate the remote control is the one or possibly two adult collegiate football fans living in the household.
Permission may be grated on a game by game basis to adult friends, neighbors, family members etc. but only with permission.
If your dear friend’s wife who couldn’t spell football if you spotted her the “O’s” and the “L”’s” attempts to commandeer the remote control because she is either bored or “wants to see what’s on CNN”, it is permissible, without consulting her significant other, to break her arm, especially if it’s fourth and goal from the one yard line.

Additionally, the household should resemble a tailgate party on steroids
(Please see Tailgating section above for further amplification)

EDITORS NOTES:
It is important to note if you live or plan to move to Morgantown West Virginia that following a “Win” by the Mighty Mountaineers of West Virginia it is excepted that you and your family will take a piece of furniture from your house, preferably a couch and light it on fire in the front yard.

It is my understanding that if you and your family choose “not” to take part in this Mountaineer ritual in Morgantown the West Virginia faithful will perform the ritual for you using whatever possessions of yours they deem appropriate.

The Wrong Way…
Having a variety of games for children on college game day at one’s house is encouraged; it prevents them from distracting you and your guests from the college football game.
However, providing alcohol to children is forbidden and illegal unless you live in the following states or territories:
West Virginia – Minnesota – South Dakota – Pennsylvania – Arkansas – Oklahoma – Tennessee and Puerto Rico

Additionally, not having snacks while preparing your tailgating experience and during the game itself will identify you as an amateur college football fan.
Do not let your personal income be a deterrent to a positive college football game day experience.
If one can only afford a bag of Cheeto’s and a twelve pack of beer, then that should be shared and no one will think any worse of you.
In fact, I have on good authority that is considered “Thanksgiving” for most Illinois Fighting Pumpkins and Indiana Hoosier fans.

I hope this will enhance your College Football experience in 2010

PRE-SEASON PROGNOSTICATIONS & OBSERVATIONS

This season the Michigan Wolverines will fail to qualify for a bowl game (again)

But the Michigan State Spartans will…..

In November of this year the National Geographic Society…..
Will discover that Wynonna Judd is actually a Triceratops.

Good News Fighting Irish Fans! You will qualify for a Bowl game this year….
The Boudreaux Butt Paste Bowl in Tupelo Mississippi (It’s very prestigious)

There will not be an undefeated Southeastern Conference Champion this year…

The University of Southern California Trojans will not be going to a bowl game this year, no wait.
They can’t go any way, right? Never mind.

Brent Musburger and Vern Lundquist will vie for the coveted title of “Biggest Dumbass in American Sports Casting.”
Currently they are neck and neck in the contest;…
No wait, I just remembered Vern doesn’t have a neck.
So another unit of measure will need to be determined.
More on this later.

A referee and his crew will blow a call and a possession in the same game.

EDITORS NOTE: I have two words for you – PENN WAGERS.

This season LSU Tiger Coach Les Miles will say something positively ridiculous and then promptly defend it.

EDITORS NOTE: If you count what Les Miles said at the Southeastern Conference Media Days last month, then my prediction has already come to pass.

“I think anybody that enjoys competition enjoys playing best teams. In the Western Division, we have it.”

Les Miles – SEC Media Days July 23rd 2010

Arkansas Coach Houston Nutt will deny any wrong doing of any kind in anything related to anything he has ever been associated with or thought he was associated with.

Sometime this year the Evergreen State Geoduck mascot will make someone throw up when they see it for the first time.

The Tebow-less Florida Gators will be a lot stronger than you might think

The Texas Longhorns (See Above and substitute Tebow-less with McCoy-less)

The Miami Hurricanes will have the opportunity to prove if they are for real when they visit the Big Horseshoe and the Mighty Ohio State Buckeyes on September 11th

The Boise State Bronco’s will not finish the 2010 college football season undefeated.

But the Horned Frogs of Texas Christian might….
If they get by the Beavers of Oregon State on September 4th.

My Mighty Southern Methodist University Mustangs will return to a Bowl game again this year. Believe it.

Early in the season Coach Rich Rod of Michigan will attempt to divert the hostile Ann Arbor sports media by deferring questions to a Sock Monkey during post game news conferences.

EDITORS NOTE: I have on good authority the Sock Money even wears a ball with a big “M” on it, which is nice.

Speaking of the “First Family of Wolverine Football”…..
Coach Rich Rod’s wife, Rita will have an exhibit named after her in the Natural Science Museum and Exhibit Hall in Ann Arbor this year.
It is my understanding they have named a new species of dinosaur after her and the artist rendition of the creature will be on display through the coming football season.
It’s called a “Skank-a- Saurus”

EDITORS NOTE: Who knew dinosaurs had bleach blond hair, wore nine inch clear plastic stripper shoes and had their makeup done at Earl Shive?
Isn’t science fascinating?

The Duke Blue Devils will still have more students watching basketball practice than attend home football games, which is sad.

“Coach” Bill Curry will habitually read “The Little Engine That Could” to his Georgia State Panther players each night…
until his ass whipping of biblical proportions at the hands of the Alabama Crimson Tide on Thursday November 18th.
Then he will resign as head coach, return to ESPN as a commentator and bitch and whine about the University of Alabama for another ten years.

Sometime in late November some damn school that plays in the Earl Hoffenheimer Conference will have an undefeated season and lay claim to a shot at the National Championship because they defeated Chow Lings Nail and Beauty Salon Academy by three points.

The American Medical Association will determine that ESPN Commentator Pam Ward’s voice will be the leading cause of suicide between the months of September and December.

Webster’s Dictionary will add an additional example to the definition of “irony” in 2010.
The example will read in part: “Irony” is Lane Kiffin accusing other universities of cheating while having the NCAA investigating his conduct and actions at the university he left after one year and takes a position at a university on probation for violating NCAA rules.

ESPN studio commentator and former coach Lou Holtz will continue to sound like Sylvester the Cat and Mark May will continue to make sounds like a mule caught in a thicket when describing his undying love of the University of Southern California.

Before December of this year, “coach” Bobby Bowden will be found wandering across the Seminole practice field wearing only his FSU Vietcong hat in search of Chief Osceola, whom he went to school with in 1824.

Penn State Coach Joe Paterno will harness the power of the sun utilizing his reading glasses, thus ending the energy crisis and creating in the process 200, 000 new green energy jobs.

Former Tennessee Volunteer coach Phil Fulmer will attempt to introduce the “Bear Claw Consumption Competition” into the 2010 London Olympic Games, sponsored by Krispy Kreme. Sadly he will be denied the opportunity to “Bring home the Gold” and in a caloric rage eat the reining men’s hot dog eating champion.

QUOTES FROM YESTERDAY

FAMOUS COACH’S QUOTE“With the little bits of information that I have, no, I’m not worried about that one bit. I’m more concerned about helping the process and cooperating to make sure that everything comes to the front. I’m confident that’s not where this is going.” …

In an interview on May 2, 2006 with USA Today and the Associated Press, Coach Pete Carroll of U$C talks about the possibility of U$C forfeiting games or being hit with NCAA sanctions.

EDITORS NOTE: Looking back on it that seems kind of funny, doesn’t it?

SEVEN QUESTIONS WITH….

Before our beloved college football season begins we will interview the “former” athletic director Damon Evans of the University of Georgia in our “Seven Questions Segment” to give him a platform to explain his actions and subsequent dismissal from the University of Georgia.

Q: Mr. Evans what have you been doing since you stepped down as the athletic director of the University of Georgia?

A: I prefer to be called “Pimp Daddy D” or just “D Yo”

Q: What? Ah O.K.
Anyway, how would you describe your tenure as Georgia’s Athletic Director and what transpired, in your own words, that caused you to leave such a top tier athletic program.

A: Pimpn’ ain’t easy

Q: That doesn’t make any sense. O.k. never mind, let me rephrase the question.
There are a number of reports that portrays you in a rather unflattering light. They describe a number of embarrassing circumstances and even more embarrassing personal conduct by you.
Would you care to elaborate on this matter?

A: Knick Knack Paddy Wack give a Dawg a bone!

Q: What the hell does that even mean?

A: Word to your mother

Q: Ok. Let’s stay focused shall we?
This is your opportunity to explain what you were doing and the circumstances surrounding the incident that resulted in your dismissal as the Athletic Director of the University of Georgia.
Specifically; let’s talk about when you were pulled over by the police in the company of an underage intoxicated woman, wearing a pair of woman’s underwear on your head while presumably intoxicated yourself. To say nothing of the reported crying jag to the police officers all the while screaming “Do you know who I am?”

A: I was just Keep’n it Real G

Q: Is that the theme from Shaft playing in the background and are those “crunk teeth” in your mouth?

A: Word up

Q: Mr. Evans, I have one last question: are you retarded?

A: Foshizzeel my mizzel.

EDITORS NOTE: Maybe Damon Evans should have taken his own advice here…

Click here to view the embedded video.

PRESEASON QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
I don’t know if you are “really back” yet or not, but I need your advice desperately.
I have a terrible secret I have been withholding from my family.
I grew up in a loving family outside of London, Ohio and somehow I lost my way.
I moved to California and there I fell into intravenous drug use and became a gay prostitute and changed my name to Dirk Hershey.
I have appeared in some horrible, vile and disgusting movies under that name.
I have stolen money from “customers”, passed out in alleys after week long drug beiges and been involved in sexual acts that would make the strongest person retch.
But my question is this:
How do I tell my family I have become a Michigan Wolverine fan?
Danny aka “Dirk” – San Francisco, California

A: If I were you Danny, I would keep that piece of bad news to myself.

Q: Hello Wizard Man!
You filthy infidel! We know who you are!
We declare Jihad on you Mister Wizard!
Jihad! Jihad! Jihad!
You die soon by our Jihad!
Mohammad Ali Abdul – Los Angeles, California

A: Jihad Me at Hello disgruntled Trojan fan.

Q: Dear Sir –
As mayor of beautiful Baneberry Tennessee, I would like to cordially invite you as our “Guest of Honor” for our annual Founder’s Day celebration on September 18th.
As you may know our town was founded by two brothers Bubba and Doodie Baneberry in 1836 when they were separated from Davey Crockett’s Tennesseans heading to the Alamo and instead choose to get drunk on apple cider that had “turned” hard and shortly thereafter passed out near the river and missed the entire historical moment in San Antonio.
The founding fathers thought “Baneberry” sounded better than naming the town Bubba, or God forbid “Doodie”, hence the town of Baneberry was born.
None the less, after careful consideration the city council and I have voted to invite you, despite you being an Alabama Fan, to our Founder’s Day celebration for all your hard work to promote our beautiful city.
Also, we didn’t want to invite Hootie Snitch for fear he would show up all liquored up and insist on wearing chaps and a cowboy hat (again) on the Founders Day float so it was addition by subtraction, if you know what we mean.
Sincerely
Mayor Mike Summers
521 Harrison Ferry Road
Baneberry, TN 37890

A: I am temporarily indisposed with another engagement at the time or I would be all over it.

Q: Mister CFB Wizard I have a question for you.
As a lifelong Michigan Wolverine I don’t need to tell you the last few years have been very painful.
With that being said, what will it take for the Wolverines to go Bowling this year?
Thanks!
Steve – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Steve, I guarantee you the Wolverines will go Bowling this year!
But they need to make reservations early at the Bel-Mark Lanes in Ann Arbor or they may not get a lane.
I hear the month of December is reserved for leagues.
So, you will need to make reservations sorry.

Q: Hey There!
Mr. Wizard you remind me of that fellow Genius Kahn who invented Mongolian Barbeque.
He sure was smart!
I believe he was a military man too, but anyway I got me a question.
What are the chances of Auburn winning the damn National Championship this year?
Billy – Opelika, Alabama

A: Well Billy thank you for the compliment, I think.
But to answer your question I would say the Tigers have the same odds of winning the championship as Michigan does of going to a Bowl game.

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard –
I was wondering if you would help promote my latest venture;
My Tribute to William Shatner by singing some of his lesser known songs as well as singing the theme from T. J. Hooker while dressed as TJ Hooker!
Does that not sound fabulous?
So what do you think?
Thanks!
Jack McCracken – Cincinnati, Ohio

A: I think you need to be medicated Jack, a lot.

Q: Dear Sir –
As Chief of the Wall-a-ka Indian Nation and Casinos I am extremely disappointed in your support of collegiate “Indian” mascots. The usage of the term “Indian” alone is hurtful and insensitive, not to mention the other more harmful terms associated with Native Americans, such as “tribe” or “moccasins”. These names conjure up images of savages and worse, of a culture that is illiterate, ignorant, superstitious and lacking any social structure.
Perhaps if you were to spend some time learning our rich and unique culture you would have a better understanding of our sensitivity on this volatile issue.
Please take the time to visit us in the next few months we are located right off of Interstate 29 near Watertown North Dakota. Look for the “Big Wampum Casino” sign and don’t forget our duty free shops and the “Scalp Em Water Park” conveniently located next to the casino.
“Chu-na-La-Nu-say”
Chief Charlie Waka-Saw IV

A: If my Native American language skills are correct, I believe the above quote translated means: “A pony urinated on my new moccasins.”
But that aside; Sir, if you are indeed “SAW IV”, then I would like my money back please.

Q: All Alabama Fans Suck! They were not the best team last year and you know it!
As far as the National Chump-in-ships they all claim, that is bogus too!
Face it, they live in a dirt poor state with a bunch of inbred idiots who have nothing better to do than follow a second rate school and third tier football program.
Anonymous – Boise, Idaho

A: I’m sorry the glare from the 2009 National Championship trophy was reflecting off of Mark Ingram’s Heisman Trophy and it was preventing me from reading your question.
What were you trying to say again?

Q: We is still mad as hell at that damn Lame Kitten for leaving us Tennessee Volunteers!
Now he done and got the NCAA crawling around a looking at us!
We gave him everything he ever wanted!
Why the hell would anybody ever want to leave Rocky Top?
I ask you!
Thelma and Joe – Dyllis, Tennessee

A: It might be the wet dog food smell from the Purina plant that drifts across the city, but that’s just a guess.

Q: Dear sir despite your distain for all things Ivy League, I am obligated to ask who you think is the favorite to win the coveted Ivy League Crown this year?
Will it be Princeton, Harvard or fair Yale?
Reginald – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: I could name a dozen high schools around the country that could “win” the Ivy League crown, that’s what I think.

Q: Hey There!
I am a former coach and currently live in the Garnet and Gold Retirement home here in beautiful Tallahassee Florida. I was kind of forced into retirement by someone I thought was a friend, but then snookered me into retirement and I am still a little sore about it, not as sore as these new pants my grandkids bought me for my birthday though, they bind me in the crotch and it makes me walk funny.
Anyway you seem to know a lot about different things about college football, like the time you wrote about NCAA President Myles Brand and that Hootie Snitch guy you have on the website is really funny too. Wait, what was I saying? O’ Yeah, so there is this “other” coach (who I won’t name, but let’s call him “Joe”, that is still coaching and he is even older than me, I think he’s like a hundred years old or something. So, why can’t I still coach when Mister Thick Glasses is allowed to coach? His glasses are kind of funny too. Except when he uses them to blind you on the other sidelines! I mean they are that thick!
I forgot what I was saying.
Hobby Howden – Tallahassee, Florida

A: Bobby, you are rambling again.

Q: Mister Wizard I live in Ann Arbor Michigan and I recently saw Coach Rod’s wife Rita at a local Michigan “Maze and Blue” Alumni function and although I was some distance from her, I would have to say you are incorrect in your description of Rita.
She seems to be very attractive from a distance.
Roy – Grand Rapids, Michigan

A: By distance do you mean over a mile?
Get a new prescription for your glasses because up close that woman could stop a watch.

There will be more on the wire tomorrow…..
with the second installment of the Preseason College Football Extravaganza
To include Conference Champions and more of what you have come to expect from your Favorite College Football Prognosticator
So stay tuned…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Despite the emotional roller coaster the majority of us experienced during Thanksgiving

And I am not referencing Aunt Edna’s bathroom “issues” either…
That’s a totally separate issue…

No I am talking about our beloved college football rivalries
And we aren’t finished yet….
This week we have the “Civil War”
And……..
The Conference Championship Games

But before we get to these and other games….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 31 and 14 or 69% during the rough and tumble rivalry week
and that leaves me at 564 and 161 for the season holding steady at 78%.

Not too bad considering it was “Rivalry Week”

Enjoy your games!

Thursday December 3rd

Oregon State at Oregon
This game is called the “Civil War” for a reason….
But make no mistake, there is nothing “Civil” about this rivalry…
I won’t belabor the point here, but last year the Quackers upset the Beavers..
This year the beavers return the “Favor”
MIGHTY BEAVERS 33-28

Friday December 4th

Ohio at Central Michigan
I know Coach Frank’s Bobcat’s have been tough as of late….
But there is something they way Coach Lou Holtz says “Chippewa’s that makes me believe
It might be the way he spits on Mark May when he says it, never mind..
I’m a believer
CHIPPEWA’S 34-28

Saturday December 5th

Cincinnati at Pittsburg
Who would have believed this headline back in August?
The BearKats go undefeated….
Believe it….
BEARKATS 31-17

West Virginia at Rutgers
The only way the Scarlett Knights will win this game is if my Italian American friends “get involved”
They told me that wouldn’t…
So, Light those couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-21

Fresno State at Illinois
I know it’s not October, so a Fighting Pumpkin reference seems out of place
Unless you like pumpkin pie, which I do…
So the reference is still good
ZOOK’S FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-17

New Mexico State at Boise State
Remember when I picked the Bronco’s to go undefeated at the beginning of the season?
Yeah, I was right (Please hold your applause until the end of the picks)
BRONCO’S 44-17

Arizona at Southern California
I heard a really good joke the other day, you want to hear it?
What’s the difference between Coach Pete and a whiny sniveling self absorbed jackass?
None….That’s funny as hell isn’t it?
WILDCATS 28-21

California at Washington
This game will be a lot like the Southeastern Conference Championship game.
Minus the fans, the marquee players, the shot at the National Championship and the television viewership, but other than that it’s exactly the same.
HUSKIES 28-24

South Florida at Connecticut
The boys from Tampa Town have been beaten up as of late
and this game will be no exception and that’s no bull
HUSKIES 28-17

Carson Newman at Grand Valley State
Coach Spark’s Eagles beat my Lions in Florence last Saturday.
Avenging their loss to them earlier in the year and advancing in the Division II playoffs
The best ground game in Division II college football rolls this Saturday
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-28

Wisconsin at Hawaii
I wonder if Dog the Bounty Hunter likes Cheese?
Behold the Power of Cheese….
BADGERS 34-21

Atlantic Coast Conference Championship
Clemson and Georgia Tech
Both teams lost their rivalry games with their instate Southeastern Conference opponents
But that doesn’t mean this game is any less important..
This is the second game of the season between these two teams…
The first game was a wild one…
This one won’t be any different
DABO’S TIGERS 33-28

Big 12 Championship
Nebraska and Texas
The Children of the Corn will keep this one close with the Black Shirts working overtime
But the Longhorns are headed to the National Championship game
Believe it…..
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-17

Southeastern Conference Championship
Alabama and Florida
A Clash for the ages….
My Friends there are no “losers” here
CRIMSON TIDE 24-20

There is more to come with Hootie Snitch and next weeks picks…
So Stay tuned…

Have Great weekend…

RTR
MEB

Today is Thanksgiving….
To most people that means three things….
Family, food and football….
And not necessarily in that order…

We have a cornucopia of rivalries this weekend……
Overflowing with hate and discontent…..
Ah, Good Times…

I can hardly wait to dig in, but before we do
Let’s be thankful for what we have and not grumble about what we don’t have….

For example, I am thankful last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…..
was a rather “average” 41 and 11 or 79%, leaving me at 533 and 147 or 78% for the season.
(Noticed how I weaved the weekly statistics in so inconspicuously…..)

All things considered, we all have it pretty damn good

Happy Thanksgiving to you all

Enjoy your games!

Thursday November 26th

Texas at Texas A&M
The Lone Star Showdown
I remember the cheap shots on Colt McCoy…….
and the “down horns” signs by the Aggie players a couple of years ago…..
the bad news…..
The Longhorns remember it too….
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 43-17

Tuskegee at Alabama State
The “Turkey Day Classic” as it is known, has been played since 1901.
Which coincidently is the same year Coach Bobby was born….
GOLDEN TIGERS 24-21

Friday November 27th

Nevada at Boise State
This isn’t a rivalry game…..
It’s just and Old Fashioned Boise State ass whipping
BRONCOS 38-23

Illinois at Cincinnati
Some people are calling for a Fighting Pumpkin “Upset”
I don’t happen to be one of “those” people
BEARKATS 33-17

Rutgers at Louisville
After the Scarlet Knights lost last week to (of all teams…)
Syracuse…
The Jersey Campus was reported to have smelled like old pancakes and shame…
But then they realized they lived in New Jersey, which explained the smell.
SCARLET KNIGHTS 24-17

Toledo at Bowling Green
This is the Battle of I-75 for the coveted “Peace Pipe”
The trophy alone tells you this isn’t a fierce rivalry.
If it was a serious rivalry, the word “peace” wouldn’t be in the equation.
FALCONS 24-20

Pittsburg at West Virginia
The Backyard Brawl
The name says it all…..
Two neighbors battle it out on a chilly night in Morgantown
Light those couches…
MOUNTAINEERS 24-21

Northern Illinois at Central Michigan
This game isn’t a rivalry and it isn’t a backyard brawl…
It’s about Chippewa’s riding the Huskies like midgets in a rodeo
Sorry for the visual….
That disturbed me a little bit too..
CHIPPEWA’S 34-13

Wyoming at Colorado State
This rivalry is known as “The Border War” and it is played each year for
“The Bronze Boot”….
The rams get the boot this year, but not where they thought they were going to get it..
COWBOY UP! 28-17

Temple at Ohio
The Bobcats are playing well, but the Owls are inspired…
HOOT OWLS 33-21

Buffalo at Kent State
It’s Thanksgiving for Goodness sake….
Who wants to think about the “Golden Flashes” this time of the year?
Makes you think about Grandma getting in the dinner wine and flashing the guests
NO BULL 38-10

Nebraska at Colorado
The Children of the Corn haven’t forgotten……..
About the pasting the Buffalos gave them a few years ago…..
in fact they are still down right sore about it.
That isn’t good news for Ralphie
CORNHUSKERS 31-17

Memphis at Tulsa
I would care about this game…..
But the Iron Bowl is getting ready to come on.
Sorry…
HURRICANES OF GOLDEN 24-20

Alabama at Auburn
The Iron Bowl
The name says it all….
CRIMSON TIDE 24-14

Saturday November 20th

Florida State at Florida
This is the Sunshine State Showdown
It is played for the Governors Cup
The Tallahassee paper has reported this week…
Coach Bobby is “ready” for the game….
What they “meant” to say was ….
Coach Bobby is “ready” to go to the bathroom without assistance…
Not that this story has anything to do with Thanksgiving…
But it is the season of “sharing”, so I felt obligated to share.
MIGHTY GATORS 34-17

Virginia Tech at Virginia
In Virginia nothing is as important as the “Commonwealth Cup”
Which by my estimation……
Will stay in Blacksburg until Hell freezes over.
MIGHTY HOKIES 33-17

Miami (FL) at South Florida
Unless you have seen an actual Hurricane….
Loose in your house you cannot discount their power or destruction.
In case you were wondering, “yes”…..
I am referring to the Thanksgiving when my sister-in-law visited two years ago.
The Damage is as yet to be fully assessed.
HURRICANES 33-14

Oklahoma State at Oklahoma
The Bedlam Game for the Bedlam Bell
There is nothing more important today in the Great State of Oklahoma…
Not Births, not deaths, not bar mitzvahs, not anything.
This is it….
COWBOY UP! 31-17

Carson Newman at North Alabama
The quarter finals of the Division II College Football Playoffs
These teams played each other earlier in the season, with the Lions winning.
Different day, same result….
MIGHTY LIONS ROAR 34-31

Missouri at Kansas
This game is called the Border War….
It’s played for the “Indian War Drum” and the Lamar Hunt Trophy
Some still call this a “Civil War”, but make no mistake…
There is nothing “Civil” about this rivalry
MO’S TIGERS 38-14

Georgia at Georgia Tech
Sure, this game is for the “Governors Cup”
But this rivalry is known as “Clean Old Fashioned Hated”
That my friends, sums it up nicely….
YELLOW JACKETS 31-28

Clemson at South Carolina
The game is called the “Battle of the Palmetto State”
Coach Sweeny is an Alabama man….
And that’s good enough for me…
DABO’S TIGER 33-17

Grambling State at Southern University
The Bayou Classic
Have I mentioned lately that I’m a Coach Rob guy?
I have?
Good, I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page
ROB’S TIGERS 38-17

Rice at Houston
The Battle for the Bayou Bucket
My favorite pudding gets whipped in H-Town…
Believe it…
COUGARS 43-14

Arizona at Arizona State
This instate rivalry is affectionately known as the “Duel in the Desert”
And it’s played for the “Territorial Cup”
Which I think resembles a bucket of sand….
WILDCATS 24-21

Tennessee at Kentucky
This game has always been known as “The Battle for the Beer Barrel”
And the keg goes to…..
WILDCAT BLUE 33-24

Boston College at Maryland
This game promises chills and thrills…
Who am I kidding nobody is going to watch this damn game…
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 24-17

Wake Forest at Duke
Demon Deacons and Blue Devils….
Kind of sounds like Jimmy Swaggart holding his breath…..
DEMON DEACONS 28-24

North Carolina at North Carolina State
The Battle for Tobacco Road…..
The Heels have a tough defense and State has an amazing engineering department
Yeah, this one shouldn’t be too tough….
TAR OF HEELS 33-13

Texas Tech at Baylor
I doubted the power of the Red Raider’s last week…
I thank everyone in the Red Raider nation for pointing my error out….
I should have known better…
Lubbock is the Home of Buddy Holley…
Enough said, Peggy Sue
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 43-21

Washington State at Washington
This instate rivalry game is played for the “Apple Cup”
Please note…..
If your “rivalry” game has a flower, a fruit or any members of the “Village People”
In the name, then it doesn’t count as a “real” rivalry, sorry.
I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.
HUSKIES 17-10

Ole Miss at Mississippi State
The Egg Bowl….
Few rivalries outside the Iron Bowl are bitterer than this contest….
I can feel the heads of Mississippians nodding everywhere….
I wish I had better news Bulldog Jim….
REBELS 33-17

Syracuse at Connecticut
Not that I care because I don’t…….
But I have obligations too….
HUSKIES 24-21

New Mexico at Texas Christian
I can’t say that I have actually seen a horned amphibian ride a Lobo…
Not even on the Animal Planet….
But rules like records are meant to be broken…
(My personal motto….)
HORNED FROGS 43-10

Southern Miss at East Carolina
I have gotten back in good graces with my Hattiesburg faithful…
So I don’t intend on taking a step backwards at this point….
Let’s face it….
Few things in life are as good as Mississippi BBQ….
A man has to have his priorities….
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-17

Central Florida at UAB
What the hell is a “Blazer” anyway?
Something on sale from the Men’s Warehouse?
That’s a stupid mascot….
Everybody Run! Here comes a Sport Coat!
I don’t get it…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 38-17

Tulane at Southern Methodist
My Proud Ponies are a “win” a way from going to a Bowl game…
They won’t disappoint me….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-23

Marshall at Texas El Paso
Three simple words here….
WE ARE MARSHALL 31-24

Utah at Brigham Young
This is the “Holy War” for the “Beehive Boot”
I can’t say I have ever put my foot in a boot full of bees….
But I saw this dumbass in Michigan once…
Never mind those people from Michigan have suffered enough…
TWO UTES 33-31

Utah State at Idaho
This game is being played at the home of the Vandals….
I respect people whose mascot looks like a foam rubber Genghis Khan…
THE MIGHTY KHANS 38-17

Arkansas at LSU
The Battle for the four foot tall “Golden Boot”
The past two years it has resided in Fayetteville….
There won’t be a change of address left at the Post Office this year….
RAZORBACKS 34-24

Notre Dame at Stanford
The winner of this game wins the “Legends Trophy”
I am assuming by the title it has Knute Rockne’s skull atop the trophy…
Which is creepy…
CARDINAL 34-31

New Mexico State at San Jose State
I would watch this game but the Animal Planet has a “Thanksgiving” Special
On the dental hygiene of the platypus
Don’t laugh….
It will be a hell of a lot more entertaining than this game…
JOSE CUERVO 34-10

UCLA at Southern California
The Battle in the City of Botox Angels for the “Victory Bell”
Gosh, I would care, but I have to do my laundry, sorry….
BRUINS 33-31

Navy at Hawaii
This game reminds me….
I want to wish a Happy Thanksgiving to “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
I love those guys…
MIDSHIPMEN 34-17

I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving….
And a great weekend of college football….

Stay tuned…
There is more to come..

RTR
MEB

Not that we aren’t thankful, nothing could be further from the truth….

This isn’t about being “Thankful”….
It’s about your “Rival”….
It’s about bragging rights
This is “Us” verses “Them”

It’s the “Lone Star Showdown”
The “Backyard Brawl”
The Border War
The Battle for the Palmetto State
The Battle of the Beehive and Golden Boot
The Egg Bowl
Bedlam and its coveted Bell
It’s about the Commonwealth, Apple and Governor’s Cups
It is about Clean Old Fashioned Hate….
It is The Iron Bowl

These clashes will be told and retold for generations
And the Legends of the fall that come from such games live forever.

Let’s take a look at a few of the games we have in store this week…..

THE LONE STAR SHOWDOWN

Texas Longhorns – Texas A&M Aggies

The Name alone says it all….
It’s “Gig Em Aggies!” verses “Hook Em Horns!”
These two fine University’s students, fans and alumni hate each other with a passion.

Case in point, a few years ago Texas A&M produced their fall catalog of classes and otherwise promoting the university
and all it’s fine accomplishments as well as to encourage prospective students to attend the university in College Station Texas.
On the cover of the fall catalog was a collage of pictures of campus life at Texas A&M, from students studying outside, walking to class, football games at Kyle Field, two students with goggles studying in the chemistry lab, but one picture on the cover was “different”.
In one picture a young lady in the Aggie Marching Band was playing the flute.
She had her hands in such a way while playing a particular note on the instrument
that it appeared she was making the “Hook Em Horns” sign.

Please see the example of the proper “Hook Em Horns” sign below delivered by my buddy Matthew McConaughey.

This incensed the Aggie Alumni and they demanded the Catalogs, which had already been distributed by the way,
be recalled and a “new” edition reprinted without the accursed picture on it.

Cost to print and distribute Fall Catalogs: 1.3 Million Dollars
Coast to recall the catalogs, reprint and redistribute Fall Catalogs: 5.6 Million Dollars
The enjoyment Longhorn Fans had from this fiasco: Priceless

Enjoy the short video that has nothing to do with the above story,
but is further evidence of the hate and discontent the Aggies have……
for the Mighty Longhorns from the University of Texas at Austin.

Click here to view the embedded video.

THE BORDER WAR

Missouri Tigers – Kansas Jayhawks

These two states have hated each other since Bill Quantrill burned Lawrence Kansas to the ground…
and even before that, there were hard feelings and hate.

The feelings are mutual and have festered over the years.

I know a number of Missourians who will correct me when I ask them…
“Isn’t Kansas the Sunflower State?”
They will politely tell me there are “Three kinds of Sun’s in Kansas”
Sunshine
Sunflowers
And
Sons of…you can figure out the rest of that on your own.

THE BACKYARD BRAWL

Pittsburg Panthers – West Virginia Mountaineers

This rivalry isn’t as intense as it once was….
But it is still filled with disgruntled fans from what was once “Steel Town” all the way
to the beautiful mountains of West “By God” Virginia.

Not only is this a rivalry for the ages in this particular part of the country, but as a side note,
You have to respect anybody like the Mountaineer faithful
who are willing to burn their “own” couch in their front yard after a win over a hated foe.

THE EGG BOWL

Mississippi State Bulldogs – Ole Miss Rebels

If you are looking for hate, passion and discontent that has no expiration date then look no further than the “Egg Bowl”.

In the Great State of Mississippi with poultry the current king of agriculture….
the Egg Bowl takes center stage this weekend and the rivalry has never been more intense, if that’s possible.

There will be harsh words, fights and more fights…….
and that’s just in the parking lot before the game. Make no mistake, this game is intense and emotions are raw.

BATTLE FOR THE GOLDEN BOOT

LSU Tigers – Arkansas Razorbacks

These two states, schools, fans, and alumni hate each other, period.
They have been playing for the four foot “Golden Boot” Trophy since 1901
But trophy or no trophy, they just hate each other.
Case in point, two years ago when the LSU Tigers won the 2007 National Championship……
there was a popular bumper sticker seen throughout Arkansas that I thoroughly enjoyed.
It read…..

ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS 50
National Champion LSU Tigers 48

Priceless……

THE APPLE CUP

Washington Huskies – Washington State Cougars

I know this is “Big” deal in the State of Washington….
But let me clue you all on in a little secret…..
If your rivalry game has either a fruit or flower in the name
Then it’s not that big a deal outside your own state…
Sorry..

SUNSHINE STATE SHOWDOWN FOR THE GOVERNORS CUP

Florida Gators – Florida State Seminoles

I know, I know….
This is a relatively new rivalry as rivalries go; it began in 1958, when Coach Bobby was only 61 years “young”.
But this game is no less intense than older more established rivalries.
The Gator Nation hates the Seminole Nation and all they stand for and vice versa.

There have been some of the finest college football players to ever lace the cleats to play in this rivalry.
But I think this game can be summed up best by Coach Bobby himself when he said recently….
“You know when Ponce de Leon showed me the fountain of youth he told me watch out for Gators.”

How true, how true….

THE COMMONWEALTH CUP

Virginia Tech Hokies – Virginia Cavaliers

This fierce rivalry in the Old Dominion would mean more to me……
If I could remember the last time the Cavaliers won, but I can’t.

So it doesn’t it.

THE BEDLAM GAME

Oklahoma Sooners – Oklahoma State Cowboys

These two teams were playing each other before Oklahoma was even a state.
It’s Stillwater and the Cowboys verses the mighty Sooners of Norman.
They despise each other with a passion that can only instate rivals can appreciate.
They have accused each other of various dirty tricks over the years……..
From giving tainted food with laxatives to Sooner players to slow them down..(I’m serious….)
To wetting the field to slow down the likes of Barry Sanders….(I’m really serious…)
Throw the records out the window in this one; it’s always a battle for the ages.

CLEAN OLD FASHIONED HATE

Georgia Bulldogs – Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

There are few games that garner more hard feelings than this game between these two bitter instate rivals…..
hence the name of the game, in case you missed it.
The fans of the respective schools can’t agree on anything and disagree about everything.
They can’t even agree on how many times they have played the series.
But suffice to say this war has been going on since 1893, that’s right I said 1893.

This rivalry can best be summed up by the beloved Southern writer and University of Georgia Graduate Lewis Grizzard…
When reporting for the Atlanta Journal Constitution; Lewis left his entire column empty……
The day after the Yellow Jackets defeated his Bulldogs. One whole section in the Paper, blank.

The hard feelings in this one last forever…

BATTLE OF THE PALMETTO STATE

Clemson Tigers – South Carolina Gamecocks

You want a long standing rivalry?
This one has been going off and on since the 1880’s….
But the game itself is the longest standing uninterrupted series in the South.

There have been brawls, fights and riots since this series began
and it’s no less intense now with Coach Steve at the helm of the Gamecocks and Coach Sweeny with the Tigers.

This is one of those rivalries that transcend time and space.
No matter where you go in the world if you are a Gamecock or a Tiger
you carry this feeling with you going into this week, that cannot be defined or described.
It’s about beating “Them”, and being able to enjoy that win for the next year.

That my friends; is what a rivalry is all about.

THE IRON BOWL

Alabama Crimson Tide – Auburn Tigers

In the immortal words of Keith Jackson the voice of college football now and forever.

“There are rivalries and there are rivalries and then there is Alabama and Auburn”

This kind of Hate deserves its own section; The Iron Bowl edition will be out tomorrow.

So Stay tuned…
There is more hate and discontent to come..
Your Thanksgiving Edition of the Picks will be out soon….

RTR
MEB

What a week it was…
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather amazing 42 and 10 last week or 81%
and that leaves us at 411 and 107 or 79% for the season.

But enough self adulation, this week we have “even” more Big Ten games….
Played for a variety of trophy’s and valued memorabilia and the tussle in T-Town.

Later in the week we will discuss the Bowl Championship Committee…
Which is actually not a committee at all, but a room full of chimpanzees
wired up on Red Bull and sugar throwing poop at college football teams listed on a wall chart.

More on this “detailed process” as it has been described in the media later in the week.

We have some games to discuss…

Enjoy your picks!

Thursday November 5th

Virginia Tech at East Carolina
I know, I haven’t hit a game with the Hokey’s in a couple of weeks….
But I have on “good authority” that Lou Holtz is going to be the “guest” Mascot this week.
Get your Gobble on Lou…..
MIGHTY TURKEYS 31-10

Miami (OH) at Temple
Believe it or not (and I ‘m not sure that I do…)
The Owls of Temple are on the verge of their first bowl game since 1979….
That’s enough motivation for anybody…
HOOT OWLS 24-17

Friday November 6th

Boise State at Louisiana Tech
Have I mentioned lately that I picked the Broncos to finish the season undefeated?
Enough said….
BRONCOS 34-17

Saturday November 7th

Vanderbilt at Florida
This game reminds me of the old saying……
“If you love something, let it go….
If it doesn’t come back then the alligator must have eaten it’s ass up”
At least that’s what they say on the bayou…
MIGHTY GATORS 38-10

Central Florida at Texas
Before this one is over the Golden Knights will wish
they jousted with midgets on burros instead of trying to stop the stampeding Longhorns.
Which as a side note…
Midgets jousting on burros screams pay-per-view to me….
especially if they are wearing sombreros
MIGHTY MIGHTY LONGHORNS 44-10

LSU at Alabama
The Tussle in T-Town…
A classic matchup that will be a fight until the final whistle blows…
Don’t blink…
CRIMSON TIDE 20-17

Northern Arizona at Ole Miss
SOoooooooo the “Chancellor” in Oxford stated this week that “He” will remove the Rebel fight song
if the students continue to chant “The South will rise again…” at football games.
Here is a little hint….
You got a jackass running a university that doesn’t understand college students…
Because even I know you don’t “threaten” a bunch of college kids….
Stand by Dumbass….
REBELS 43-17

Chattanooga at Appalachian State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Mountaineers are going down with a moccasin sticking out of their butt.
Sorry for the visual….
MOCCASINS 28-24

Ohio State at Penn State
This game will be and ole fashion slug fest from start to finish……
I think the Buckeyes will win a close one…
but I have a feeling that Joe Pa has something up his sleeve, or hidden in his hair, or behind his glasses…
You get the picture….
JOE PA’S LIONS 23-21

Tusculum at Carson Newman
When I had the “Kangaroo Flu” recently, I think I coughed up a Tusculum…
It was disgusting…
SPARKS EAGLES 33-14

Oregon State at California
Beaver Jim, I wish I had better news for you…..
GOLDEN BEARS 33-24

Virginia at Miami (FL)
Here’s how this game works….
The Cavaliers lost to the Duke Blue Devils last week…
Enough said….
HURRICANES 152-0

Oklahoma at Nebraska
This game isn’t the marquee game that it once was…..
But it doesn’t mean they don’t hate each other with a passion…
I like that in a football game…
BOOMER SOONERS 28-17

Henderson State at Ouachita Baptist
Little known fact about the Ouachita Baptist denomination…
They don’t have their own “Theme Park”….
Unlike a few other denominations I could mention…
FIGHTN’ BAPTIST 33-10

Connecticut at Cincinnati
The Huskies are playing more like anorexic Chihuahuas
BEARKATS 33-17

Oklahoma State at Iowa State
This game is played each year for the “Telephone Trophy”…..
I’m not making that up…
The Cowboys will lasso this Cyclones….
I saw it once in a movie called “Tall Tales”
It was “based” on fact….
COWBOY UP! 31-21

Florida State at Clemson
No Bowden Bowl this year….
Just and ole fashioned Tiger ass whipping…..
DABO’S TIGERS 33-28

Kansas at Kansas State
This instate rivalry is called “The Sunflower Showdown”
It’s played each year for the coveted Governors Cup
Anytime you have a rivalry game that has the word “Flower” in it……
it’s just not that big a deal outside your own state, it’s a rule.
HAWKS of JAY 34-17

Tennessee Tech at Georgia
The Eagles have the same chance of winning this game between the hedges
as Kenny Chesney does of discovering his heterosexuality.
In case you are keeping score, that would be slim and none.
HUNKER DOWN BULLDOGS 43-10

Wofford at Citadel
Sure it’s cool that Chewbacca has his own college…..
but the military of college of South Carolina’s Dogs will take a bite out of his hairy butt.
CAROLINA’S BULLDOGS 31-17

Duke at North Carolina
This battle on Tobacco Road is played for the “Victory Bell”
Which hasn’t seen the Blue Devil campus since Coach Steve was there….
That trend continues on Saturday…
TAR HEELS 24-17

Purdue at Michigan
This Big Ten matchup can only mean one thing….
You guessed it, another “rivalry trophy”
This game is played annually for the coveted “Sphincter Cannon”
If I were you, I would stay away from that thing when they fire it…
WOLVERINES 24-23

Washington at UCLA
I still believe in the Power of the Huskies….
At least this week I do….
HUSKIES 23-17

Hofstra at Delaware
Did you know when Lou Holtz says “Hofstra”…..
Mark May has to wear a dental shield to keep from getting sprayed in the face with spit.
Just thought you should know.
BLUE HENS 24-14

Furman at Auburn
Just for the record “Furry Man” is not a reference to my sister-in-law in a tube top.
If it was, it would be called “Run for your life! It’s a Yeti in damn tube top!”
I kind of made myself sick just thinking about it…
WAR DAMN EAGLES 43-14

Georgia Southern at Samford
That Fred Samford cracks me up with that whole shtick
“This is big one! I’m coming to see you Elizabeth”.
I don’t know what that has to do with this game.
I just thought I would mention it.
STATESBORO EAGLES 24-13

South Carolina at Arkansas
This game should be called the Schizophrenic Bowl
Because you don’t know which team is going to show up for the game…
RAZORBACKS 33-28

Oregon at Stanford
Quack, Quack…..Quack, Quack…..Quack
ATTACK!
(I think that’s how it goes; I’ll ask Coach Pete, he should know…)
QUACKERS 34-24

Texas A&M at Colorado
Talk about your Schizophrenia
Neither of these teams has established anything that resembles an identity…
Other than they both have had the hell beat out of them by the Longhorns..
No wait, I am about two weeks ahead on that prediction for the Aggies, sorry.
GIG EM AGGIES 24-20

Wake Forest at Georgia Tech
Even Jimmy Swaggart won’t be able help the Demon Deacons this week, but he will go on a crying jag.
Which is nice…
YELLOW JACKETS 33-14

Wisconsin at Indiana
Just what we needed
Another Big Ten “rivalry” game!
This game between these two stalwarts of the conference…..
Is played each year for the coveted “Piñata of Meat”, which if I’m not mistaken is filled with “Pork by-products”.
This also may explain why there are no Muslims on the respective teams.
CHEESE BADGERS 31-17

Eastern Kentucky at Kentucky
The Colonels will be reduced to Privates before halftime, believe it.
BIG BLUE WILDCATS 38-14

West Alabama at North Alabama
This Heart of Dixie Battle between West and North will go to the Roaring Lions..
You can take this pick to the bank
MIGHTY LIONS 34-10

Western Michigan at Michigan State
The Bronco’s are going to get spanked by Sparky…
Which is kind of a weird visual, I’m sorry about that
SPARTANS 34-17

Illinois at Minnesota
This storied Big Ten rivalry is played for the “Petrified Polar Bear Turd”
This is further evidence that both states are located ten miles from the Arctic Circle
FIGHT’N PUMKINS 33-24

Baylor at Missouri
MO knows Bear taming….
Need I say more?
MO’S TIGERS 31-17

Maryland at North Carolina State
I would watch this game but VH1 “Behind the Music” is having a special
On whatever happened to the cast of “Break’n 2 Electric Boogaloo”
I wonder if they are still “Pop’n and Lock’n”?
WOLFPACK 23-17

Syracuse at Pittsburgh
The Panthers are going to claw Otto the Orange to a pulp…
Thought that up myself…
PANTHERS 34-14

Louisville at West Virginia
This game isn’t what it once was…..
But it will end with couches burning into the Morgantown night….
Light Em if you got Em!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-17

Northwestern at Iowa
I love these Big Ten games….
Almost each and every game is played for “something” important
This game is certainly no different..
The rivalry between these two schools is played each year for the
“Snow Globe of Beef Jerky”
I shudder to think where they came up with the idea for this “trophy”
EYES of the HAWK 33-21

Memphis at Tennessee
This volunteer instate rivalry is played “every so often” as the media guide described for
“The Tennessee Cousin Bucket of Lovin”
They further state in the media guide….
“Don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it…”
VOWELS 43-10

Brigham Young at Wyoming
Cowboy Down……
BRIGHAM’S COUGARS 31-10

Navy at Notre Dame
This game has two of the oddest mascots in college football..
A Goat and a Leprechaun….
Now, if they would let the Leprechaun ride the goat THEN I would watch it..
FIGHTN’ IRISH 34-24

Rice at Southern Methodist
My favorite pudding isn’t ready for the wild ponies….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-17

Army at Air Force
The next to final game for the “Presidents Cup”…..
Aim High
FALCONS 28-14

Kent State at Akron
A game between “Zippy” and the “Golden Flashes”….
Sounds like the making of a Gay Pride Parade…
ZIPPY 23-17

Texas El Paso at Tulane
This rough season has reduced the Green Wave to chartreuse trickle
MINERS 34-17

Texas Christian at San Diego State
Have I mentioned lately that I picked the horned amphibians to go undefeated this year?
I know that I “mentioned it”, I was just bragging..
Sorry…….
HORNED FROGS 33-10

Worchester Tech at Susquehanna
This game really puts me in a quandary..
On one hand I love Worchester sauce and I think it’s cool that have a college for that..
But on the other hand I know Susie will threaten to whip my ass if I don’t pick her..
I won’t be intimidated..
SUSIE 23-17

Fresno State at Idaho
I wonder whatever happened to Mister Potato Head’s kids, Ida and Spud.
I hope he kept his eye on them….
Yeah, thought that up myself too.
BULLDOGS 31-28

Washington State at Arizona
I would watch this game this game
But QVC is going to have a sale on their “Rhesus Monkey Dentist Kits”.
Before you ask, “No”, I don’t have a monkey.
I just want to watch the demo
WILDCATS 24-17

New Mexico at Utah
This game highlights Ute’s and Lobos….
Sounds like a Disney Movie…
TWO UTES 34-17

Houston at Tulsa
Speaking of movies….
Is it just me, or did you want to see Apollo Creed in Apollo 13?
Never mind, it’s just me.
COUGARS 38-23

Southern California at Arizona State
Hey Pete, you want a Quacker?
That never gets old for me…
TROJAN$ 6-3

Utah State at Hawaii
This game only serves to remind me that I am missing “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
Damn it…
WARRIORS Pop’n and Lock’n on RAINBOWS 31-24

Sunday November 8th

Nevada at San Jose State
Poor Jose…..
He is going to get beaten like a rented Burro….
As a side note…
This pick is much funnier when spoken out loud with a Mexican accent.
WOLFPACK 33-17

Enjoy your games and have a Great Weekend
More next week, so stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Much like the Oklahoma, Houston and Seminole fans last weekend…
Your favorite college football prognosticator will hence forth refer to last weekends games as..
The “Weekend that will no longer be mentioned”.

I am sure the above fans will gladly agree with me on that point, but before I unveil my embarrassing statistics from the “Weekend that will no longer be mentioned”, I want to offer my three favorite excuses for my lackluster performance.
1. The Sun was in my eyes while I was making the picks…
2. There is no doubt I had a rock in my shoe when I was making the picks last week..
3. Frankly, I don’t make very good decisions while I am on artificial turf….

And as a side note….
It doesn’t help that I am making the picks while wearing a leaf bag around my waist
Don’t ask…
You really don’t want to know…
Damn Kangaroo Flu…

Last week: 36 and 19 (Ouch!!!!!!) at 65%

Overall: 240 and 65 at 79% ( No comment….)

Enjoy the Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday October 8th

Nebraska at Missouri
MO knows offense, but the Huskers have the Black Shirts
This will be a good one to watch from start to finish
And the Victory Bell goes too…..
CORNHUSKERS 28-24

Colgate at Princeton
I don’t care and neither should you
But it is nice to know they named a college after my favorite toothpaste

Arkansas Monticello at West Georgia
This is clearly my “Game of the Night”
The Wolves of West Georgia and the Mighty Boll Weevils of Arkansas
That’s right I said “Boll Weevils”…
Tell me this mascot doesn’t scare you…

Enough said….
BOLL WEEVILS 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Also…
The Arkansas Boll Weevil mascot is called “Weezie”
Which is no relation to a character on the once popular television series “The Jefferson’s”
Just thought you should know…

North Greenville at North Alabama
The Mighty Lions of Florence Roar once again…
LIONS 34-17

Friday October 9th

Louisiana Tech at Nevada
I have counted the Bulldogs out of too many games this year and gotten bit every time.
Not this week…
BULLDOGS 31-17

Saturday October 10th

Colorado at Texas
Someone actually wrote me about this game last year and asked me…
“How were they supposed to distinguish..
between the respective schools mascots of a Buffalo and a Longhorn..
which one was actually my sister-in-law?”
That is so ridiculous, I can’t even believe it!
She was the one wearing flip-flops.
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-14

Alabama at Ole Miss
This is going to be a tussle in the Grove from start to finish…
Believe it…
CRIMSON TIDE 28-23

Eastern Illinois at Penn State
There is only room for one Big Cat in this game..
And it ain’t the Panthers…
JOE PA’s LIONS 38-10

Wisconsin at Ohio State
Behold the Power of Cheese Whiz….
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 24-17

Delta State at West Alabama
The Tigers of West Alabama can’t handle the Fighting Okra….
Why you may ask?
Because they are “Fighting Okra”, that’s why….
FIGHTING OKRA 31-20

Baylor at Oklahoma
I wouldn’t take the Bears for granted in this game…
Or it will be Sooner, Later…
BOOMER SOONERS 24-17

The Citadel at Elon
I wish I had better news for the Bulldogs of the Military College of South Carolina
But I don’t…
THE CUBAN KID 31-21

Catawba at Carson Newman
Why someone thought it was a “good idea”…
to name their college after a bunion is beyond me, what’s next “Hemorrhoid Tech”?
Never mind, I believe that’s in California
SPARKS EAGLES 33-28

Boston College at Virginia Tech
I got some bad news for the fan’s from Chesnutt Hill..
The Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about…
HOKIES 33-17

Georgia Tech at Florida State
I never thought I would see the day that Coach Bobby would be on the hot seat…
But after this week, he will have both cheeks firmly planted on it.
YELLOW JACKETS 28-17

Florida A&M at Miami
Leroy Vann is faster than the Rattler’s namesake….
But that won’t save him from the eye of the Hurricane
HURRICANES 34-10

Houston at Mississippi State
Bulldog Jim, I wish I had better news my friend….
I am afraid the Cats have a mean on…
COUGARS 31-23

Chattanooga at Samford
I used to know a Sam Ford once…
He was a horse’s ass….
MIGHTY MOCCASINS 28-24

Iowa State at Kansas
Both of these teams are heading in the same direction…
No where…
HAWKS of JAY 23-17

Susquehanna at Rochester
Susie and Rocky?
Sounds like the basis for Rocky VIX
Never mind….
SUSIE 21-17

Georgia at Tennessee
Both teams are beaten up and badly in need of a win…
This is going to be one heck of a game….
HUNKER DOWN DAWGS 28-23

EDITORS NOTE: I know it pains me to say this…
But it’s getting more difficult each week to criticize Coach Lane Kiffin
When Coach Phil was at Beacon Hill..
“Discipline” and the football team went together like Chinese food and peanut butter.
Coach Lane won’t tolerate any foolishness from the players..
and will dismiss them from the team in a New York minute.
Believe that?
Under Coach Phil’s watch Tennessee players used to stroll to games like they bought their clothes from “Thugs or Us”, once a volunteer player even wore a loin cloth to the game, true story.
And now the players have to wear coats and ties to games and leave their Mr. T starter kits at home.
I have even noticed a change in some Volunteer fans…
What is going on?
Doesn’t Coach Lane realize this hurts my column?

Georgia Southern at North Carolina
The Eagle has been grounded…..
HEELS of TAR 38-10

Auburn at Arkansas
This game has all the potential to be a Barn Burner..
No Pun intended..
RAZORBACKS 33-24

Harding at Ouachita Baptist
I am not sure what an “Ouachita” Baptist does…
Unless they are the folks that handle rattlesnakes during a service
Harding better watch himself, those things will bite you…
SNAKE HANDLING BAPTIST 38-10

Oregon at UCLA
I would rather play nude twister with Rosie O’Donnell than watch this game…
QUACKS 6-5

EDITORS NOTE: Like I wasn’t sick enough with the Kangaroo Flu….
I had to make myself throw up over that comment…

Southern Miss at Louisville
Coach K and the Cardinals are down and they ain’t getting up…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-17

EDITORS NOTE: Cardinal Fans take note….
Coach Tommy Tuberville is lounging in Alabama right now looking for a job..
I know he has the personality of a Jackass eating briars….
But the boy can spell “Defense”….
Just a thought…

Duke at North Carolina State
The winner of this semi-bitter instate rivalry receives coupons to Burger King.
I am not sure if that includes a complimentary decorative paper crown
More on this story as it develops.
WOLFPACK 31-28

Maryland at Wake Forest
This game features amphibians and televangelists…
I honestly have no idea which team is going to show up for this one..
The truth is…
They don’t either…
NINJA TURTLES 23-17

West Virginia at Syracuse
I was asked to say something “positive” and “uplifting” about the Orange this week.
O.K., here goes…
You all don’t suck as bad as you did last year..
How’s that?
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-17

Stanford at Oregon State
I would rather watch my wife’s uncle Todd’s colonoscopy video (again..)
In it’s entirety…
Than watch another PAC 10 game…
CARDINAL 6-3

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering…
The video is kind of like the 1950’s version of “Journey to the Center of the Earth”

Connecticut at Pittsburgh
Interesting fact….
When Coach Lou Holtz has said the above schools names in quick succession…
He has actually blinded Mark May in spit…
PANTHERS 28-24

Southern Nazarene at Southwest Baptist
In case you were wondering there will be a Baptism
Following today’s game…
FIGHTN’ BAPTISTS 23-17

Muhlenberg at Juniata
If I was the M’ Guy here, I would watch myself…
I hear Juanita’s septic tank backed up last week and she is madder than hell
JUANITA 31-14

Indiana at Virginia
This game may answer the eternal philosophical question..
“Would they still have a college football game if no spectators came?”
CAVALIERS 17-13

Arizona at Washington
The “W” on the Huskies helmets better stand for “Win” this weekend..
or I am off the dog’s bandwagon. Yes, I mean it this time.
HUSKIES 24-10

Arizona State at Washington State
These two teams together couldn’t beat a hot dog….
DEVILS of the SUN 17-14

Kentucky at South Carolina
The Wildcats are tough….
But Coach Steve has their number…
Always has…
GAMECOCKS 31-17

Kansas State at Texas Tech
Maybe Coach Snyder could get the Wildcats motivated..
If he wore a cape and a mask on the sidelines.
I don’t know if it would help, but it sure would be funny, wouldn’t it?
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 34-17

Miami (OH) at Northwestern
This game will be a lot closer than you might think…
That is until the National anthem is over…
WILDCATS 33-10

Purdue at Minnesota
This ancient Big Ten rivalry is played for something I can’t quite pronounce..
But it looks like a giant Tootsie Roll..
Or it could be a Donkey Turd…
I’m not really sure…
O’ SO very GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-17

Heidelberg at Ohio Northern
I bet Ole Heidelberg wears lederhosen and a funny hat when nobody’s looking
Enough said…
POLAR BEARS 21-7

Vanderbilt at Army
Some people in the SEC are quick to dismiss the Commodores..
But if they were in the PAC 10 they would be the second best team in the conference
No worse than third anyway…
Believe it…
‘DORES 28-14

Michigan State at Illinois
This Big Ten rivalry is played each year…
for the coveted “Jimmy Crack Corn Trophy”, because frankly, nobody cares.
SPARTANS 27-24

Eastern Michigan at Central Michigan
The good news is…
Because this game is in Michigan, the Eagles don’t have far to go to get their ass kicked.
CHIPPEWA’S 28-23

New Mexico at Wyoming
I don’t know if I would go as far as calling this an “upset special”..
But the Cowboy’s are due….
COWBOY UP! 20-17

Oklahoma State at Texas A&M
I have some “Good News” and some “Not so good news” here..
The “Good” news is the Aggie Corps of Cadet Marching Band…
Is one of the finest college marching bands in the country.
The Aggie War Hymn will give your goose bumps, goose bumps.
The “Not so” good news is the Cowboys are riding into town…
THE COWBOYS 38-17

Texas Southern at Rutgers
The TSU “Motion of the Ocean” – “Ocean of Soul” Marching Band
Is really something to see, unfortunately their football team isn’t.
SCARLET KNIGHTS 44-10

Navy at Rice
The Midshipmen are tough, fast and well coached.
The Owls have one of the best baseball teams in the country.
Yeah, that won’t help them much here..
MIDSHIPMEN 28-17

Henderson State at Valdosta State
The folks from Henderson are known as the “Reddies”
Which I find to be discriminatory against blondes and brunettes
Damn racists…
BLAZERS 33-10

Marshall at Tulane
I still believe in the Thundering Herd…
WE ARE MARSHALL 24-17

Utah at Colorado State
Did you know that if you spell “Rams” backward you get “Smar”…
Not that it’s all that important here…
TWO UTES 33-24

Peru College at Lincoln (MO)
Although I have never been a fan of Lincoln, I think it is inherently wrong that a university from another country is playing college football against a team from the Heartland of America.
MO knows FOOTBALL 24-20

Ohio at Akron
Seriously, what is a “Zip” and why is their mascot a damn kangaroo?
I’ll never understand Yankees..
BOBCATS 24-23

Texas Christian at Air Force
The horned amphibians are lucky as well as good….
That’s a bad combination..
HORNED FROGS 31-17

Florida at LSU
Saturday Night in Death Valley….
For an opposing team there is nothing like it….
It’s what the Christians in the roman coliseum must have felt like before they released the..
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 23-21

UTEP at Memphis
Before last weekend I would have said U-Who?
But after outlasting the Houston Cougars last Saturday night
MIGHTY MINERS 34-23

Eastern Carolina at Southern Methodist
Despite my disappointment last week with the Ponies…
Much like Steve McQueen…
I still believe in the power of the Mighty Mustangs….
MUSTANGS 28-24

Michigan at Iowa
This classic Big Ten matchup is played for “The Old Lobster Bib”
Not really, I just made that up, but you have to admit…
It’s a better idea than the “Skank Witch Trophy”
EYES of the HAWK 28-23

Brigham Young at UNLV
The Rebels have a good chance of winning this game…
If Brigham Young misses their flight to Vegas…
COUGARS 38-10

Sunday October 11th

Fresno State at Hawaii
Have I mentioned lately that “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is on A&E on Wednesday nights?
I love those guys…
BULLDOGS 33-24

Tomorrow I will have something for the disgruntled Georgia Fan…
I wonder, could it be the names and addresses of the referees from last weeks Georgia – LSU game?

Next week Hootie Snitch will discuss his request for a stimulus package to open his “new” restaurant.

Stay tuned

Enjoy your games this weekend…

RTR
MEB