It’s that time of year again…….

When people will annoy the living hell of me by saying…..

“Happy Holidays”

This always elicits a response from me similar to this….

“Which Holiday is it? What’s that over there, is that a Holiday tree?”

I will tell you what “Holiday” it is….

It’s Christmas……

Glad I could break it down for you……

And it’s also time for Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator’s

2010 College Football Awards…..

So set back and enjoy the year that was….

And…..

Merry Christmas….

EMAIL LETTERS OF THE WEEK

Q: Mister Wizard I got me a question
I think I done finally met “The One” and Love hit me like a spark from a bad battery….
I ran into this woman at the Piggly Wiggly and she smelled…
Just like the inside of my Momma’s purse.

So I follow her and well…..
I didn’t have no money for a Christmas present and so what I done was….
I give her a mason jar that I done spit in as a gift….

Now maybe I got me the magnesia from that hit on the head I took last year from throwing softballs underneath a moving lawnmower…..
But last time I checked that was a dandy gift….

So here’s my question….
What should I get that gal and let her know that I got the betrothed for her?

“Fast Eddie” – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Eddie I take it from your eloquent description of love…..
That you are clearly a University of Tennessee Volunteer fan…..
With that being the case….
I would say you have picked out the perfect Christmas Gift…
The fact she has not returned your “affections” may be due to the fact she isn’t a Volunteer Fan, even if she did smell like “Your Momma’s Purse”

Q: Dear Sir –
This time of year can be so confusing; it’s hard to know what to believe in when it comes to religion.
Between Hanukkah and Christmas I hardly know what to say to people or what to believe in.
I feel kind of lost and was in hopes you could guide me through this…..

Tim – Conway, Arkansas

A: Tim, this time of year can be tough…..
But you came to the right place….
I have found there are three basic truths when it comes to religion.
One….Jewish people don’t recognize Jesus as the messiah
Two…Protestants don’t recognize the Pope as a deity….
Three……..Baptist don’t recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters…

Q: Hey Mister Wizard –
What ever happened to the regular Bowl games without all the sponsorships?
When is it going to end?
What’s next? The X-Lax Bowl sponsored by Charmin Bathroom Tissue?

Nick – Platte City, Missouri

A: Unfortunately Nick……
That particular “Bowl” game is scheduled to be played next year in Sioux City Iowa….

2010 CFB WIZARD COLLEGE FOOTBALL AWARDS

CHRISTMAS SAFETY TIP

This Christmas season it’s important for parents in the East Tennessee area, to be extremely careful when allowing their children to “visit” Santa at the local shopping mall.

It has been reported that Fat Phil Fulmer has been seen disguised as Saint Nick in an effort to devour unsuspecting children before he goes into hibernation on 30 December.

If you are unsure as to the real identity of your shopping mall Santa, here are the clues to assist you to determine if Fat Phil has infiltrated Santa’s Workshop.

If the “Santa” is over 700 pounds and smells like Krispy Crème Donuts….

If the “Santa” begins to salivate like an attack dog at the sight of a plump child…

If “Santa” is wearing a glow in the dark orange outfit as opposed to the traditional crimson outfit

Then call the authorities immediately……
Or the local Zoo, they are familiar with tranquilizing large animals….

BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT FROM CRAIGS LIST

Email Found on Craiglist under Unique Christmas Gift Ideas:

“For sale: One brand new, unused 2010 Heisman Trophy.
Please contact the Right Rev. Newton.
No NCAA inquiries please.”

BEST TEAM NOT in the BCS CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

The award this year is a tie between…..

The Wisconsin Badgers and the Texas Christian Horned Frogs

Either one or both of these teams are worthy of a “real” shot at the National Championship and if you don’t think so; then by all means schedule a game with them next year.

BEST DISPLAY of UNBRIDLED ADULATION

The CBS College Football commentating crew of Vern “Cammy Cam Juice” Lundquest and Gary “I Heart Cammy” Danielson and Tracy “I have an unsightly mole on my upper lip” Wolfson won this award for their undying love and devotion of all things related to Auburn quarterback Cam Newton.

I haven’t seen that much suckling since I bought a trailer full of new calves.

BEST LITTLE RICHARD IMITATION

Again a member of the CBS College Football crew takes home the prize…..
This time from the CBS College Football Studio..

Spencer Tillman not only wears more makeup than Little Richard….
He sounds even gayer…

Congratulations, I think

BEST PLAYER MONEY COULD BUY

This award is also known as the Reggie Bush Award…..

The winner in a landslide is Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton….

How appropriate…

UGLIEST CHEERLEADER AWARD

This Award does not go to the ugliest Cheerleader Uniforms as was though last year by some readers. This Award is for the actual “ugliest” cheerleaders themselves.

And the Winner is….

The Michigan Wolverine Cheerleaders….
With the help of Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” the Wolverine Cheerleaders adopted rather whorish Maze and Blue eye shadow and eight inch clear plastic stripper shoes.

The fact that most of those girls could eat corn on the cob through a tennis rack only added to their already impressive lead over second place Notre Dame.

The other piece of good news related to this award…..
Rita Rod and the Michigan Wolverine Cheerleaders are slated to be on VH1 in the Spring
on “Bret Michaels Rock of Love VII: The Collection of Skanks”

Congratulations Ladies…

BIGGEST COACH

The Head Coach of the Maryland Terrapins takes home the Award this year…

Although Coach Ralph Friedgen isn’t as big as Wynonna Judd, it is important to note that she is not a college football coach and therefore is not eligible for this award.

BEST IMITATION OF A COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACH

Although the “mighty” Southern California Trojans are ineligible for a Bowl game this season due to the Reggie Bush saga, they none the less take home an award this year as “coach” Lame Kitten continues his hilarious and often times childish imitation of a “real” college football coach.

My favorite part is when his Daddy dresses him for each game, priceless.

JACQUE COUSTEAU AWARD

This Award is given out to the College Football “commentator” who clearly has a snorkel in his or her butt because they seemingly can’t seem to shut the hell up during an entire game.

The winner this year in a close contest…..

ABC Sports Brent Musburger who was followed closely by ESPN’s extremely homely Pam Ward. Both of which are deserving of the award, but it was rumored during one Big Ten telecast that Pam Ward actually paused during a play and that was the difference in the voting. Yes, it was that close.

EDITORS NOTE: Or as they used to say in the country…..
Both of these people are as windy as a bag full of buttholes

THE NEBULOUS FACTS AWARD

This Award wasn’t even close…..

The CBS College Football telecast continues to stun and amaze with such “facts” as:

Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton LOVES Ice Cream……

Every Time the LSU Tigers walk on to the field leading with their left foot, they score first and when they don’t they score second.

Arkansas Quarterback Ryan Mallet is over six feet five inches tall, which is taller than any cast member in the Wizard of Oz.

The University if Kentucky plays their home games in Lexington, which was also the name of an aircraft carrier during World War II

The Georgia Bulldogs have a “G” on the side of their helmets which also happens to be the first letter in “Georgia”

Steve Spurrier used to coach the Florida Gators and now he coach’s the South Carolina Gamecocks and they are two different teams.

Mississippi State is known for their cowbells which are used for cows and also for locating Vern Lundquest when he is liquored up and wanders away from his motel room.

The Tennessee Volunteers are called the Volunteers because Tennessee is the Volunteer state, which is different than the Show Me State which is Missouri.

Congratulations you bunch of irritating AFLAC Duck loving idiots….

UGLIEST UNIFORM AWARD

The clear winner of this award is….

The butt ugly Oregon Duck Uniforms….

I am convinced somebody on heroin designed this combination of glow in the dark nightmares that forces the viewer at home to wear sunglasses while watching television.

UGLIEST FOOTBALL FIELD

The Boise State Bronco’s and their horribly disgusting “Blue” football field takes the award this year, last year and more than likely next year as well.

I’m color blinded and it gives me a damn headache, I can only imagine the insanity it causes the rest of you during telecast.

Those are your awards this year…..
Congratulations to all the winners…

Your Bowl prognostications are a day away…..
So Stay Tuned, there is a lot more on the way this Christmas…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Halloween is over and I hope that none of my beloved readers lost a loved one this year to the insatiable appetite of Fat Phil Fulmer when he emerged from the pumpkin patch.

But there were far too many “Tricks” and not enough “Treats” to suit me this year.

This coupled with the “signs” of the coming apocalypse made Halloween all too disturbing.
What do I mean and what are the signs of the end of the world you may ask?

The signs are all around us…..

Texas loses to Baylor….
(O’ the Humanity!)

Notre Dame loses to Tulsa and STILL has a television contract…
(How is that even possible?)

Syracuse continues to win…
(Despite my best efforts of picking against them)

West Virginia..
(Please see Texas above and substitute “Baylor” with Syracuse and Connecticut)

The Miami Hurricanes lose to Virginia….

The Navy Midshipmen lose to the Duke Blue Devils

EDITORS NOTE: Clearly Satan’s hand was at work in this game…
Is it a coincidence that “Blue Devils” beat the Midshipmen?
I think not…

And certainly the most obvious sign of the end of the age….

The Oregon Ducks are Ranked Number One….
I rest my case….

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was “Tricked” on Halloween…
(I admit it…)

I was a dismal 41 and 15 or 73% on Halloween weekend…
That leaves us at 413 and 97 for the season or 81% after nine weeks of college football.

Have no fear my beloved readers, this setback will not deter me
In the words of that immortal 20th Century philosopher M.C. Hammer….
“I’m 2 Legit to Quit…”

EMAIL LETTER OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mister Smartass –
We have been a reading what you write about Coach Phil Fulmer!
He only happens to be the greatest damn football coach to ever wear orange!

If I was you un’s I would watch my self.
I understand Phil Fulmer is six foot five and seven hundred and forty two pounds and he is ALL man!
Hope you enjoyed your little laugh cause Coach Phil is going to catch up with you mister!
Then you are done for!
Danny “Possum Face” Rogers – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Danny…..
Fat Phil Fulmer couldn’t catch me if they strapped his fat ass to a Saturn 5 rocket.

HOOTIE SNITCH UPDATE

As was reported last week…
The self proclaimed number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the planet Hootie Snitch..
Was scheduled to provide you readers with an update this week on his “celebrity golf tournament” in Baneberry Tennessee to “help his momma with the hoof and mouth disease” and provide commentary on the Tennessee Volunteer football program.

Unfortunately Hootie is atop the Baneberry water tower and has vowed “not to come down until the Volunteers win a conference game.”

However, I suspect his “Water Tower Vow” has less to do with the Volunteers lackluster season than it does with Mrs Hootie Snitch (the former Miss Thelma Stroderback) being rather upset with Mr. Snitch.

I say that because….
Hootie has stated that Miss Thelma can empty a bar “when she is a having the PMS….”

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“I don’t understand these folks that run the college football on television….
Why do they think it takes ten damn people talking fo’ three hours about a game we already know about?
It don’t make no difference if they was a coach or player or a water boy, we already know who is playing and what’s at stake in the game.

That’s why we is fans, which they don’t seem to understand…..

Them people give me a damn headache just listening to them go on and on and back and forth.
And they have some people calling the games on television…
They don’t know nothing about college football, its traditions or the history of the games and mispronounce the player’s names during the whole damn game.

I even seen a couple of women calling them games….
It’s bad enough they don’t know nothing about the game….
But they is ugly as a shaved rat too….
I tell you it’s damn shame is what it is….”

EDITORS NOTE: Wise words my friend….Wise words.

THE PICKS

Thursday November 4th

Buffalo at Ohio
I’m not sure why an NFL team is playing Ohio University….
Never mind…
It’s the Buffalo Bills, now that makes sense..
FRANKS BOBCATS 33-17

Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech
This game will be played Thursday Night….
Enter the Sandman….
HOKEY POKEY 24-21

Friday November 5th

Western Michigan at Central Michigan
This instate rivalry is played for the….
“CMU-WMU Rivalry Trophy”
How inventive…
CHIPPEWAS’ 31-28

Central Florida at Houston
The Cougars post season hopes dim as their injury list grows….
Sad, but true…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 34-21

Saturday November 6th

Virginia at Duke
Fans across the Atlantic Coast Conference have waited for this clash of the titans all year..
Not really, I was just trying to hype a game that nobody really cares about …
CAVALIERS 24-21

Air Force at Army
This game may very well decide who wins the “Commander in Chief’s Trophy”
Now…
If we only had a “Commander in Chief” to award the trophy
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-24

Dickenson at Juniata
Miss Emily Dickenson better be ready for a tussle on Saturday….
Because Juanita just got a new pair of pink “Baby Girl” sweat pants from K-Mart..
She is almost unbeatable in those things….
J-LO DOWN 34-14

Florida at Vanderbilt
The Commodores get shipped on by the Mighty Gators in Music City
In case you were wondering….
I thought that one up myself.
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Davidson at Marist
I don’t know much about David’s Son but that Marist is a real Fox
RED FOX 24-20

Louisville at Syracuse
I can’t believe I am writing this…..
OTTO the ORANGE 28-24

Baylor at Oklahoma State
Can you hear that?
It’s the Prairie Wind touching the boys from Wacko in the mean place….
COWBOY UP! 33-24

Idaho State at Georgia
Famous Potatoes gets mashed between the hedges….
And that’s a fact
DAWGS 38-10

Charleston Southern at Kentucky
The Buccaneers gets the crap bucked out of them in the Bluegrass…
JOKERS CATS 43-10

Ursinus at Muhlenberg
I like the Big German Girl in this one….
She looks a lot like the Swiss Miss Girl…
On Steroids
HELGA 31-17

Chattanooga at Auburn
This game is going to be uglier than a party at Charlie Sheen’s House
Minus the cocaine, hookers, midget clowns etc.
WAR DAMN EAGLE 121-3

Akron at Ball State
I wanted to see this game…
But my “Best of Zamfir Pan Flute” CD is supposed to arrive….
ZIPPERS 33-28

UNLV at Brigham Young
I wonder if there was ever a guy named Brigham “Old” …..
Just wondering….
COUGARS 43-10

Rice at Tulsa
I think the most appropriate comment about this game…
Comes once again from that wisest of all modern urban philosophers
M.C. Hammer, when he said and I quote…
“You can’t touch this..”
GOLDEN HURRICANES 28-21

EDITORS NOTE: That song is stuck in your head now and I am truly sorry…

Temple at Kent State
Saturday is supposed to be a perfect day for football…..
Or in the words of Billy Idol….
“It’s a Nice day for a White Wedding..”
FLASHES of GOLD 28-24

EDITORS NOTE: Not really sure what that is supposed to mean…
I purposely used this song to replace the rather annoying song I placed in your heads earlier.
No need to thank me…

Susquehanna at Worchester Tech
I had no idea the Worchester Sauce people had their own college….
Did you?
SUSIE Q 33-10

Colorado at Kansas
I had every intention of watching this game…
But QVC is having an hour long special on “Ant Farms for Fun and Profit”
BUFFALOS 24-21

Appalachian State at Georgia Southern
The Eagles will get the Statesboro Blues when the Mountaineers roll into town
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

New Mexico State at Utah State
There will be a lot of Aggies in this one….
But only one Pistol Pete
PISTOL PETE 34-28

Hawaii at Boise State
The national sports media is touting this game as a “Clash for the Championship”
In reality….
It’s neither….
BRONCOS 92-88

Navy at East Carolina
The United States Navy knows how to deal with Pirates….
Or at least they should…
MIDSHIPMEN 34-31

Nebraska at Iowa State
The Husker Nation is on the road to the Big 12 Championship game….
This game will not be a detour…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 43-24

Texas Christian at Utah
I have on good authority that Chuck Norris lives in Fort Worth
That being said….
Those two Utes better run like hell before they get a roundhouse kick to the head!
HORNED FROGS 33-24

Southern Miss at Tulane
This Southern Rivalry is called the “Battle for the Bell”
It’s played every year for “The Bell”
And “The Bell” will stay in Hattiesburg until hell freezes over…
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-10

James Madison at Richmond
I like the James Madison team and I will tell you why…
Any college that names their team after John Wayne is alright by me…
DUKES 24-20

Alabama at LSU
There is nothing like playing a game in Death Valley…
It’s what the Christians must have felt like in the Roman coliseum
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

Lenoir-Rhyne at Carson Newman
I can’t believe they spelled this incorrectly in the scheduling guide.
It’s supposed to be…
“Lee Ann Rimes”…..
But as a side note…
Why she is playing college football continues to baffle me…
SPARKS EAGLES 38-24

Boston College at Wake Forest
Two things you can count on in this game…
It’s going to be close…
And the Demon Deacon mascot will scare children and make them cry
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 24-21

Marshall at UAB
It pains me to write this…..
It really does….
BLAZERS 38-24

Nevada at Idaho
It’s funny how some words have different meanings….
For example:
You might pronounce that name “Ida-Ho”……
People in Obknoxville say….
“Ho-Down”…..
WOLFPACK 44-24

Wyoming at New Mexico
I would rather see Whoopi Goldberg naked than watch this game…
No, that’s a lie….
On the threat of torture and death I wouldn’t want to see that….
LOW BLOWS 24-17

U La La at Ole Miss
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt, sometimes you don’t
This week….I do…
FOAM RUBBER REBEL BEARS 43-17

Oregon State at UCLA
There is no doubt about it…
I believe in the Power of the Beaver…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 31-24

Oklahoma at Texas A&M
Honestly, I’m too nauseous over my Whoopi Goldberg comment to say something funny here.
I’ve already thrown up twice….
BOOMER SOONERS 38-34

West Alabama at North Alabama
This instate battle in Alabama is played for something more than a trophy or a catchy name.
It’s pride and bragging rights and that says it all.
MIGHTY LIONS 38-10

Arkansas at South Carolina
The Hogs will keep this one close……
Don’t be surprised if Coach Steve doesn’t lose his visor over this one…
GAMECOCKS 31-28

Troy at North Texas
I love the fine folks in Denton…
But why did they have to name their team after a kitchen cleanser?
MEN OF TROY 28-24

Missouri at Texas Tech
MO knows how to get his guns up….
After all, it is the Home of the James and Younger Boys…
Enough said..
MO’S TIGERS 34-17

Texas at Kansas State
I am going to say what we are all thinking..
Notable exception to this would be Oklahoma and Texas A&M fans…
“Damn it Texas, Come ON!”
Now that I have that out of my system..
LONGHORNS 24-17

Tennessee at Memphis
It’s that time of the year in Volunteer country….
When the Big Orange faithful don their finest wife beaters..
And drive their homes across the state to the land of Elvis…
It’s considered to be a pilgrimage if they tour Graceland…
VOWELS 38-17

Southern Methodist at UTEP
This game promises to be a shoot out….
But I have faith in Coach June’s Boys…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34

Colorado State at San Diego State
I would rather watch..
Hillary Clinton play “strip” Twister with Rosie O’Donnell than watch this game
Sorry I made myself throw up again with that one…
RAM TOUGH 33-31

Arizona State at Southern California
I would watch this game….
But Mike Tyson is going to be on “celebrity” Jeopardy
I bet before the first commercial break he bites Alex Trebek’s ear off….
LAME CHEATERS 6-3

Minnesota at Michigan State
This semi-ancient Big Ten Rivalry is played for the “Bucket of Lard”
And in case you were wondering….
Phil Fulmer is the poster child for the Lard Council who sponsors this event.
SPARTANS 43-10

Iowa at Indiana
Another Big Ten game and yet another rivalry trophy…
This game is played each year for the “Sombrero of Bacon”
It may sound tasty to some of you…
But I have on good authority it starts smelling a little gamey by April
EYES of the HAWK 34-17

North Carolina at Florida State
I still miss seeing Coach Bobby on the sidelines….
Wandering around aimlessly in his Vietcong hat, wielding goggles..
And wearing pants with a fifty six inch zipper.
Ahhhhhh Good times.
TAR HEELS 28-24

Virginia at Duke
This game is going to be so boring I listed it twice….
CAVALIERS 24-21

Northwestern at Penn State
Many of you have asked me this year….
After all the years of Coaching in Happy Valley….
What does Joe Pa wear to Lion games for “Good Luck”
The answer is:
Depends
JOE PA’S LIONS 24-21

Arizona at Stanford
I have a philosophical question that is unrelated to this game
If you can purchase a variety of “combination” items from the grocery store
Such as a combination “Mayo and Tuna” package, presumably because they go together.
Then why isn’t there a “Toilet paper and Ex-Lax” combination pack?
I’m just asking…
CARDINAL 34-17

Maryland at Miami
Last week the Hurricanes couldn’t generate enough wind to qualify as a popcorn fart…
That won’t happen this week…
HURRICANES 34-24

Illinois at Michigan
For those folks visiting Ann Arbor this weekend I want to provide a brief safety tip for you
Under NO circumstances should you ask Coach Rod’s wife Rita..
“What would you do for a Klondike Bar?”
If her answers were not horribly disgusting enough, she felt obligated to act them out…
Frankly what she did with that Sock Money was a crime…
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-31

Wisconsin at Purdue
Behold the Power of Processed Cheese by Products
BADGERS 34-13

Washington at Oregon
I had no idea The History Channel was going to have a three hour special on..
“The History of Macaroni Art” or I would watch this game….
QUACKERS 101-10

North Carolina State at Clemson
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
My Tiger family….
You must believe…
DABOS TIGERS 28-24

California at Washington State
The “announcers” for this PAC 10 game sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks
On helium…
I’m serious…
O’ so GOLDEN BEARS 131-0

Enjoy your games…..

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

The official kickoff of the 2010 College Football Season is just days away…
And as you might expect your Week One College Football Picks will be out on Thursday
just in time for the start of the 2010 season.

But until then…..
I present your last installment of the Preseason College Football Extravaganza…
We will keep it short and sweet with late breaking college football new…..
and your long awaited prognostications on your Conference Championships

Let’s get down to business…

Enjoy……

Before we discuss this seasons “Contenders and Pretenders”
Let’s catch up on College Football Team News from around the country.

BREAKING COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

Tallahassee, Florida:

Former Seminole Coach turned “author” Bobby Bowden is reported to have stolen the title of his new book “Called to Coach” from legendary Summerville South Carolina High School Coach John McKissick who penned a book with the same title in 1993.

When Coach Bobby was asked about this fact…..
He said he didn’t know who John McKissick was…

Really Coach? The reason I ask is this…..
YOU wrote an ENDORSEMENT on the COVER of Coach McKissick’s book…
Not to mention you have RECRUITED heavily in that area for years!

EDITORS NOTE: So you still don’t think Bobby is senile?

Salt Lake City, Utah:

Utah State University President Stan Albrecht is under fire for the disintegration of the once proud Western Athletic Conference (WAC) as Brigham Young seeks to play as an Independent and Nevada and Fresno State prepare to bolt for the Mountain West Conference in 2011.

It has been reported the board of trustees at Utah State University will be meeting to decide President Albrecht’s future with the university.

EDITORS NOTE: If you are wondering why this wasn’t reported by the national sports media, the answer is quite simple. This is happening in the WAC and nobody cares and neither should you.

INSIDE THE HUDDLE
On a recent episode of HBO’s “Hard Knocks” Inside the New York Jet’s Training Camp

This conversation was captured between two New York Jet veteran players concerning the level of intensity at practice of recent draft choice Joe McKnight from the University of Southern California Trojans.

“I thought they said he was all that, how come he doesn’t get after it”

“Maybe he’s not happy with his contract”

“He came from the Southern California Trojans, right?
He’s probably mad because he had to take a pay cut to come here”

EDITORS NOTE: Enough said….

THE CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS

BIG TEN, sorry I mean ELEVEN or TWELVE

Once again the Mighty Ohio State Buckeyes will take the Conference crown.
The only legitimate threat to the Buckeyes supremacy…..
Will come from the Iowa Hawkeyes when they meet in Kinnick Stadium on November 20th.

For those of you who are Fans of the Great Coach Jo Pa…
The Nittany Lions will do well, but fall short of the conference title…

The University of Illinois minus Chief Illini (Because he is a racist)
will be bowl eligible this year, believe it.

The Wisconsin Badgers are always dangerous as always….
and will threaten the Buckeyes on their trip to Madison.

The Michigan Wolverines “might” win six games this year, but I wouldn’t bet on it….
Coach Rod will “retire” or “step-down” at the end of the season….
(Because no coach at Michigan gets fired, right?)
Your new coach will be Les Miles of LSU, believe it…

BIG 12 “LITE”
(It has all the flavor of the Big 12, but less calories)

Nebraska will win the North Division of the BIG 12 (again) this year….
Remember you heard it here first…

The South Division will be ruled by the Mighty Longhorns of Texas
and will soundly thump the Oklahoma Sooners in the Red River Shoot-out in October.

The Oklahoma State Cowboys will continue to be scary

Dan Hawkins of the Colorado Buffalos will be fired by November

Some disgruntled Sooner fans will be calling for Coach Stoops head by December

The Baylor Bears will continue to be everyone’s Homecoming Game…

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE

The Eastern Division of the Conference will be ruled by the Mighty Gators of Florida

The Georgia Bulldogs will make a run and fall short of expectations…

The Kentucky Wildcats will improve as will the South Carolina Gamecocks

The Tennessee Volunteer Fans….
Will be calling for Coach Derek Dooley to be fired by the end of the season…Believe it.

The Vanderbilt Commodores would have been in good shape if the dumbass alumni and boosters hadn’t tried to tell Coach Johnson how to run his program.
I mean after all, he only took the Commodores to their first bowl game in 100 years.
Dumbass’s

The Western Division will be won by the defending National Champions…..

The University of Alabama Crimson Tide
But they will have competition….

The Arkansas Razorbacks have the best quarterback in the country…
And if they can muster some defense, they could take the crown from Alabama.

The LSU Tigers will be dangerous this year and if they can stay health, they could find themselves in Atlanta

The Auburn Tigers are better, much better than has been reported
And they too have the ability to shake up the standings and make a run at the Division Crown.

Coach Dan Mullen of Mississippi State has the Bulldogs on the rise….

I don’t have anything good to say about Houston Nutt or Ole Miss….
So I won’t say anything at all….

ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE

The Virginia Tech Hokies will win the Coastal Division Crown this year and the Florida State Seminoles will win the Atlantic Division, despite not being on the Atlantic Ocean.

But I wouldn’t count out…..

The Clemson Tigers….
The Yellow Jackets of Georgia Tech…
The Hurricanes of Miami….

My Upset Sleeper…
The Mighty Clemson Tigers
Don’t count them out of any game this year…

CONFERENCE USA

The Southern Miss Golden Eagles will win the Eastern Division of the Conference..

The Western Division will be won by the Houston Cougars…
Believe it….
And the Cougars will win the Conference title this year

My Proud Ponies of SMU will return to a Bowl game again this year

The Tulsa Golden Hurricanes won’t be going to a Bowl game
(I still think their nickname sounds nasty…)

The Thundering Herd will take the Son’s of Marshall Bowling this year…

And as a side note….
To get you in the mood for the upcoming college football season
Be sure and see “We Are Marshall”
Not only is my buddy Matthew McConaughey in it, but it is a great movie.
If you haven’t seen it, you don’t know what you are missing…

EDITORS NOTE:
Matthew, I told you I would get a plug in for you…

PAC 10 or 11….12?

Not that I care, because I don’t….

But despite what all the talking heads in the sports media say about Stanford and Oregon..
I will tell you the Mighty Washington Huskies will win the Conference Title this year…providing Jake Locker stays healthy.

My sleeper pick….
The Oregon State Beavers
With one of the toughest schedules in the nation….
If they are able to survive the early half of the season they will be dangerous….

BIG EAST

The Pittsburg Panthers should win the Big East this year.
If they don’t win the crown, look for Coach Dan to be shown the door..

The West Virginia Mountaineers will challenge for the title….
If they don’t….
Their beloved Coach may be sent packing

This year Coach Holtz will be on the South Florida sidelines coaching the Bulls.
(Not that coach Holtz, the one that doesn’t sound like Sylvester the cat)

The Louisville Cardinals will have Coach Charlie Strong at the helm
he is one of the finest defensive coordinators in the game today….
I wish him well; he has a lot of work to do….

Also the Orange of Syracuse will continue to suck….

WESTERN ATHLETIC CONFERENCE

The Broncos of Boise State will win the Conference Title this year (Big surprise)
But they will not go undefeated this season….

MOUNTAIN WEST

The Mighty Horned Frogs of Texas Christian University will once again win the Conference Title
and very well may be in the mix for the Championship game at the end of the year.

But you better keep your eye on the two Utes from Utah…

THE ARMED FORCES TROPHY
The winner of the 2010 Armed Forces Trophy will be….
I will give you a hint….

It rhymes with “Gravy”…..

INDEPENDENTS

This is just too easy…

There is Notre Dame and NBC….

Merritt Hooligan’s Taxidermy Academy

McDonald’s McRib University

The remaining members of “O-Town”

The Muppets

I am going to go out on a limb and pick the Golden Gnome’s

THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

My Guess…..
The Horned Frogs of Texas Christian and The Ohio State Buckeyes

EDITORS NOTE: Shocked?

There is more on the way…..

Hootie Snitch will check in tomorrow….
With his unique and often disturbing view of college football
And Thursday your Week One College Football Picks will be out….

So Stay Tuned……

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

I apologize for the lengthy delay in getting back with you all…..my beloved fans.

But as you may already know….

Due to my rather phenomenal year of College Football Prognostication in 2009,
I embarked on the “CFB Wizard World Tour”, which I am in the process of wrapping up.
But before I describe my eventful night in Beijing after winning the coveted “Laughing Monkey Award”,
I want to clear up a few rumors that have been circulating the World Wide Web as well as answer some of your well thought out and long awaited questions.

Enjoy…..

Rumors and Questions……

Yes, I am taller and younger than Sammy Hagar but Sammy does have more hair than I do and is somewhat more popular outside college football circles than yours truly.
But we do have one thing in common: Neither of us like to drive 55.

No, I will not write anything about the “World Cup”, nor was I attending any of the World Cup events.
I would rather attend a “Guess that Cheese” contest in Goat Screw Gap Tennessee that have anything to do with soccer …..
And for what I hope is the last time let me make this perfectly clear…
Soccer isn’t a “real” sport, if it were a “real sport”…
Then explain why Frenchmen can play it? My point exactly…
Lastly, if my beloved university has a soccer team..
I am blissfully unaware so please don’t ask me anymore questions about it.

Yes, it’s true; I was recently featured on “Wheel of Fortune’s Celebrity Week”

And “Yes” I was kicked off the show for what the judges described as “shouting” an “inappropriate answer” to a puzzle, causing Vanna White to faint and hit her head on the lighted puzzle board as the studio audience rushed for the exits.

The Puzzle read…..

GO _ UCK YOURSELF _ _

I won’t repeat my answer here, after all this is a family column…
However I will tell you the “correct” answer was “Go Tuck Yourself In”.
But in all fairness I thought the last two blank spaces were exclamation points.
And before you ask “No”, I will not be invited back….

No I was not at Gary Coleman’s Funeral however I do own a Coleman cooler.

No I’m not homophobic; I just don’t like Kenny Chesney.

For those of you that don’t believe you can’t mix business with pleasure then explain to me the Putt-Putt Golf industry. I think I made my point…

I give less than a damn about LeBron James and the entire NBA

No, the television program “Biggest Loser Couples” isn’t about Fat Phil Fulmer and Charlie Weis.

On the topic of television programs you need to be aware the current series “Cheaters” is not a history of the University of Southern California Trojans football program, sorry.

Yes my long awaited book will be out before you know it….

No I am not interested in Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears but I do care deeply and passionately about our boys and girls fighting in Afghanistan and around the world and you all should too.

Although I have Globe Trotted, with all due respect to Meadowlark Lemon, that doesn’t make me a Globe Trotter. See the difference?
Plus I can’t seem to master the ole confetti in the water bucket trick.

Yes, I did meet the Dalai Lama on my World Tour and “No” he is not a Notre Dame fan.
However he does have breath that is similar to the rear end of a Yak.

No, I did not meet with the Pope during my current tour; because I felt with my elevated status as a College Football Prognosticator it wouldn’t help my publishing deal to be seen with an older white guy dressed like a Klan member.

However I have heard the Pope is a huge fan of Notre Dame, for reasons I still can’t quite understand.

I did not have a Liver transplant although I still have flashbacks of “coach” Mike Shula and it causes me to break out in hives and shake uncontrollably.

Yes, in addition to the coveted “Laughing Monkey Award”, your favorite College Football Prognosticator collected a number of other prestigious awards this year.
(Please don’t applaud, your adulation embarrasses me…)

As you may have read I am now a multiple winner of the coveted “Collard Greens Award for Excellence in Southern Sports Journalism” presented by the wonderful people at the Demopolis Alabama Agriculture Extension Service. I won this award despite the best efforts of Delbert “Pickles” Callahan who attempted to claim I picked the winner of the National Championship game as well as the other bowls through the use of an Ouija board and numerous calls to the Physic Hotline.

“Sour Pickles” Callahan is a sore loser….That’s right I said it.

Your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza will be out soon…..

And along with your Pre-Season Prognostications we will discuss such in-depth topics as…..

How will the Virginia Tech Hokies replace the loss of their Wangs this year?

EDITORS NOTE: Shame on you….
I was talking about Ed and his brother David Wang.

I will point out that the Florida State Seminoles will be taking the football field this year without a Bowden at the helm for the first time since the Spanish-American War.

We will talk about how the Big 12 isn’t….and how the Big Ten can’t add.

I will have a contest this year entitled “Who will say something stupid first:
Tommy Tuberville or Les Miles?”

EDITORS NOTE: I think it’s a tossup

There will be even more Mascot News…..

Along with the Oregon Ducks myriad of uniforms…
we will discuss their “new” Uber gay Mister Peanut – Duck hybrid mascot.
It’s a rainbow flag waving celebration.

We will expose the Maine Bear mascot as a very hairy female cheerleader in need of electrolysis.

And I will have the long awaited photographic evidence of the existence of the Presbyterian Blue Hose cheerleaders. Be warned, it will be shocking.

Speaking of Hose….

I will confirm that Michigan’s Coach Rod’s wife “Rita”…..
Was in fact the inspiration of the lesser known Dr. Seuss book; “Horton hires a Ho”

I will also break down the old adage of how “Two Ute’s at hand are better than hiding in the bushes”

EDITORS NOTE: Before you even ask…Yes, this is the Utah version of the story.

As you might expect we will have team news from around the country…..

Certainly we will take time to discuss the empty space located in the University of Southern California Trojans Trophy case, with the return of the Heisman Trophy, the National Championship Trophy, vacated wins and so on.

And for the record….

I am too good a person to gloat over the demise of the Southern California Trojans or say “I Told You So” to Fox Sports, ESPN, the Los Angeles Times, the Orange County Register, the NCAA, ABC Sports, Sports Illustrated, CBS Sports, NBC Sports, the PAC 10 Conference and College Football Illustrated.
Just because they ALL refused to mention the scandal of Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans and in most if not all cases DISMISSED the story entirely is no reason for me to gloat or say “I Told You So”. Certainly as the lone voice in the wilderness on this issue for a number of years and enduring the slings and arrows of readers and commentators alike, it would be easy for me to say “I Told You So”.

I don’t have to say “I Told YOU So” because I derive my satisfaction from providing you readers the facts on this issue and allow you to make up your own minds concerning the offences committed by Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans and the ensuing cover-up committed by Coach Pete Carroll, the University of Southern California, the PAC 10 Conference and the NCAA.

So you can see, I don’t have to say “I TOLD YOU SO” to make my point.

I am bigger than that.

We will detail the pressures of Coaching College Football and the effect some dumbass donors have on its programs like Vanderbilt which ultimately caused the great Coach Johnson to depart for less stormy shores.

This Season marks an extraordinary accomplishment….
As we will take time out to celebrate Jo Pa’s 100th year in college football

EDITORS NOTE: I just hope nobody breaks a hip

We will discuss “what’s his name” the new starting Florida Gator’s Quarterback who doesn’t stand a snowballs chance in hell of filling Tim Tebow’s socks, much less his shoes.

EDITORS NOTE: That poor kid, I can almost hear the boo birds warming up

Later we will try and determine “what the Hell was Nebraska thinking” when they joined the Big Ten, Eleven, Twelve conference.

I will go into depth of how the Texas Longhorns are stronger than ever: It’s True

We will have even better news for the Mighty Buckeyes of Columbus.

I will provide you readers 3-D glasses as we look at the Boise State hideous blue field of death

I will tell you I miss my adopted Clemson Tiger Family

We will discuss the stupidity that is the Colorado Buffaloe…
When they joined the PAC “what the hell ever” Conference.

EDITORS NOTE: Are you dumbasses close to the Pacific Ocean or are you just praying for an earthquake?

There will be a new section this season entitled…
“The More the things Change the more they stay the Same”
Starring Tennessee Coach Droolly and the Tennessee Volunteers!
In the first installment we will examine definitions at the University of Tennessee, as an example how “indefinitely suspended” actually means “two weeks” and much, much more.

There will be an open discussion concerning Notre Dames infatuation with Golden Gnomes

There will be an interactive section this year called…
“Say something nonsensical with Les Miles”

This Season we will also go “Big Pimp’n” with the former University of Georgia Athletic Director Damon Evans and discuss his crying jag with a Georgia Highway Patrolman, “How NOT to get out of a DUI”
and his penchant for women’s underwear and underage crack whores.

We will uncover how the NCAA “discovered” MapQuest and actually utilized it to find Reggie Bush’s Momma’s House (Five years later….)

EDITORS NOTE: Isn’t technology fascinating?

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will review Coach Pete Carroll (Formally of the University of Southern California Trojans) newest book, “Cheating for Dummies”

Hootie Snitch “The Biggest Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet” will return to commentate on the state of college football and his Volunteers after his whirlwind romance and subsequent marriage to Thelma Stroderback, an east Tennessee “hand model” for a Baneberry Tennessee tractor supply and fertilizer store.

And how could we go through the college football season without a reference or two to your favorite Hall of Fame and Museum and gift shop?
That’s right….
I mean the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum (And Gift Shop)
Don’t worry, you won’t be disappointed

Before I depart….
Congratulations to the Mighty South Carolina Gamecocks on winning the College World Series.
And Another Championship for the Southeastern Conference.

One last thing….

If you ever find yourself in Beijing…
Don’t ever ask your hosts “Are we going to Wang Chung tonight?”
It means something entirely different in China…
And “No” I don’t want to talk about it.

There is more on the way, so stay tuned.

RTR
The CFB Wizard

Hell yeah it’s me!

The Number Damn One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Planet!

It’s Hootie “Mad as Hell” Snitch

Hell yes I’m Mad!

You want to know why?

Cause everything done got turned upside down!!

First that damn dope smoking California Loving Coach Lame Kitten..
Done ditched us faster than a supermodel on a blind date with a one eyed midget.

Not to mention I went and done gave Lame and his whole damn Zima drinking coaching staff
“free two –for-one coupons” at Snitch’s Bar and Grill for all the Possum wings and Muskrat Nuggets they could eat.

I bet that SOB took them coupons with him when he left too!

I call that ungrateful as Hell!

Now there might be some cussing in this one, so you might not want your young’uns a reading this episode.

And if that ain’t bad enough…..

Two of my waitresses at my restaurant Snitch’s Bar and Grill….
Who just so happened to be Tennessee Hostesses for “recruiting purposes” done went and got arrested.

But I’ll get to that in a minute I ain’t done with Lame “Ass” Kitten, not by a damn sight.

The University of Tennessee done went and gave him the highest salaried staff in the whole Southeastern Conference
and the highest budget in all of damn college football to recruit football players.

Guess what he done?

Not a damn thing but almost bankrupt the athletic department!

He spent that money faster than the federal government!

The University covered up his partying with coeds off campus

We all forgave him for running his mouth and acting like a damn ass….

We turned a deaf ear when he said there weren’t no good high school football players in the state of Tennessee.
I ain’t going to lie, that one flat pissed me off.

We gave him a pass when his damn assistants acted like over age and over weight Chippendale dancers taking their shirts off to try and impress recruits.
I wasn’t going to say nothing about it….
But that was so gay I believe if Boy George drove by and saw that a going on
Even he would holler out the window “By God that IS Gay!”

We even got his recruits into our college, even when they couldn’t spell cat if you spotted them the “C” and the damn “T”

Some of them boys he recruited are dumber than a sack full of dog turds and I ain’t even joking about that.

If you think I’m a wrong
Then why in the hell would you rob somebody with all your Tennessee Football gear on in Knoxville?
Why didn’t that boy and them other football players…
Just show them people they was fixing to rob their student I D’s before they tried to car jack them?

And the University covered up his car accident too.

My Momma was the one that towed his car….
By the way yawl need to call that International Tow Truck Hall of Fame, Museum and Gift Shop and tell them to put my Momma in that Hall of Fame!

Anyway Momma said when she went to tow Lame’s car he was so drunk he couldn’t hit the ground with his hat.
She said it and my Momma don’t lie!

Remember when….
Lame said all that mess about “wanting to embrace the traditions of Tennessee” and “Singing Rocky Top all night long after we beat Florida”?

Well at least I can say he was consistent, cause he didn’t do any of those damn things.

Then after all of that….
He don’t have the common decency to have a press conference longer that a damn minute to thank us for everything we done for him?

And where did Ole Lame “Ass Kitten” go too?
He run off to the weakest college football conference in the damn country!
I know them media types slobber over them Southern California Trojans
Like people at a Weight Watchers meeting over a Nutty Buddy, but the facts is facts.

Most of them teams out west couldn’t beat Maryville Tennessee High School.

Fact is, he couldn’t compete with the Big Boys in the S-E-C and that’s how I see it.

Now that I about got that out of my system, I got one more thing to say about this subject.

Just for the record I thought those black football jerseys were dumber than hell.

Now about the arrest of my waitresses and “former” Tennessee hostesses for “recruiting purposes”…
Yawl probably heard about it, right?

Here is a what the newspaper said about it, then I will tell you the “real” facts.

JANUARY 28–Two Tennessee women who accused a man of rape have admitted to cops that they had consensually agreed to sex with him in exchange for a pack of cigarettes.
One woman told investigators that the duo filed a phony police report because they “didn’t enjoy the sex,” according to cops.
Jessica Kathleen Alexander, 18, and Tammy Nicole Ortega, 29, were arrested today for filing a false police report.

Here are the real facts, first; they never said what kind of cigarettes they was trading for?

Was it Marlboro Reds in the Box?
Because that changes “everything”, know what I mean?
Because I know for a fact, them girls don’t smoke no generic brand.

Second the police should take them girls word for what happened
Because of them being University of Tennessee hostesses “for recruiting purposes”.

And thirdly, why does everybody want to pick on the good looking women?
I will tell you why, damn jealousy that’s why!
I am willing to bet the keys to Snitch’s Bar and Grill…
That this whole damn thing is driven by jealousy cause these gals are so damn good looking.

If they wasn’t good looking, then why was they University of Tennessee hostesses “for recruiting purposes”?

I rest my case.

Glad I could clear that up for everybody.

More later on Tennessee’s new football Coach from Snitch’s Bar and Grill.

Hootie – Out!

Glad you enjoyed the first installment of the 2010 College Football News
And as promised…

The follow on installment for your viewing pleasure..

If you enjoyed the first article, then this should hit your funny bone in just the right place

But before I leave you to your reading…

You did get the memo that the “World is Coming to an End”

Right?

In case you didn’t get the email….
It simply says ….

The New Orleans Saints are going to the Super Bowl….

Hell has indeed frozen over….

Enjoy …..

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA….SELF PUNISHMENT

As you know I don’t mix my sports together but this was too good not to mention.

So the “other” O.J. from the University of Southern California Trojans

EDITORS NOTE: By the above statement I am referring to the O.J. that didn’t
murder his wife and young waiter friend, just so we are clear on that…

That caused so many problems by admitting (Sort of) to accepting money to play basketball for the Trojans
which subsequently got his Coach fired…..

Remember him?

EDITORS NOTE: Again…..
This is not a reference to the O.J. that murdered two people in southern California
and was able to walk away because a jury of idiots let him loose on the streets.

Well the University of Southern California decided they would “punish” themselves over their indiscretions and guess what?
The NCAA said that was “A O.K.” with them

If you are wondering why that is such a big deal…

It’s because that NEVER happened before in the South…

As in NEVER…….EVER….

Coach Bobby Bowden and Florida State can I get an Amen?

Clemson?

Southern Methodist University?

Kentucky?

Auburn?

Florida State?

Texas A&M?

Oklahoma State?

Alabama?

Georgia?

No “SELF PUNISHMENT” allowed for any of these Southern schools
BUT the University of Southern California can get a pass and a slap on the wrist…

All because O.J…..

EDITORS NOTE: Just a reminder….
This is in no way a reference to the O.J. from the Southern California Trojans that MURDERED two people and got away with it…
Due in large part to the preponderance of fools in the Los Angeles area who showed up for jury duty.

I am convinced the University of Southern California Trojans are in bed with the NCAA and collectively they couldn’t spell justice and fairness
If you spotted them the “I’s and the S’s”

But I do have one question related to the Trojan Football program…
How do you plan on “Self Punishing” this….

FOXSPORTS – ESPN – ABC SPORTS – CBS SPORTS

You all just can’t bring yourselves to report anything negative on the Trojans?

Can you?

Not after Lame Kitten and his staff put the screws to Tennessee
and left them hanging while stealing their recruits and nearly bankrupting their athletic budget?

Not even after that?

What about Lame’s history of NCAA recruiting violations at Tennessee
and how maybe that won’t fit well with the ongoing NCAA “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Trojans?

Nothing?

Your not going to report on Lame’s “car accident” while he was with the Volunteers?

You may not want to report anything on the Trojans….

But everybody knows…..
Take for example last week’s NFC Championship game with network prognosticator and comedian Frank Caliendo
imitating Jack Nicholson, giving his prediction for the game.
In the course of his prediction concerning the New Orleans Saints
He said: “Did you see the way Reggie Bush played last week?
He has not played that well since he signed his first professional contract to play for U$C”

Enough said….

THE WHITE HOUSE

So now the White House wants
To “examine” the legitimacy of the Bowl Championship Series.
They might as well, I mean it’s not like we have anything else going on…..
With two wars, an economy that is a popcorn fart away from collapse and unemployment that is rising faster than a hot air balloon.

I am convinced our government could screw up a two car funeral

NCAA EMAIL…..

Email intercepted from NCAA search committee for Myles Brands successor

Mr Ray,
There isn’t much being made in the media about our search for a successor for Mr Myles Brand.
I feel as if our search committee is being slighted by the lack of coverage.
We have decided to “leak” a couple of names to the press in order to generate publicity for the NCAA.
Judge Judy: A no nonsense legal eagle who could easily reign in the malcontents who incessantly complain about everything from referee calls to scheduling.
She would be able to stave off attacks by the Stoop’s & Spurrier’s of the coaching ranks with caustic wit and her forceful nature.
William Shatner: Everybody still remembers him from Star Trek.
Who better to lead this organization into the future than a Starship Commander?
We have a couple of other names in mind should the need arise: Jeff Probst from Survivor & Jet Li of action film fame.
However, we’ll hold these names until the need arises
Search Committee
NCAA

EDITORS NOTE: I guess Hitler was unavailable for an interview…

FLORIDA STATE

As we all know the Seminoles traded Saint Bobby for a Jimbo

But I have to ask…..

So you promoted the offensive coordinator who couldn’t put more than ten whopping points on the Gators to be your Head Coach?

Ah, Ok…..

TIM TEBOW and THE SUPER BOWL ADD

THE WIZARDS COMMENTARY

I just read an article in which the National Organization for Women, the Women’s Media Center of New York, the Feminist Majority and others
do not approve of an ad sponsored by Focus on the Family that recounts the difficult pregnancy of Pam Tebow when she was carrying Tim Tebow.
Because of the problems she had with her pregnancy, she was advised to have an abortion.
She didn’t heed the advice.

The Women’s Media Center describes Focus on the Family as “anti-equality, anti-choice, and homophobic” and claims…..
CBS will damage their reputation by airing the ad. Huh?
It sounds like if you’re anti-equality, anti-choice, and homophobic, then you’re probably a conservative.
Isn’t most of America really, deep down, conservative?
Don’t they really mean that if you don’t agree with them and don’t fall in lock-step with their views that you’re an unenlightened Neanderthal, incapable of logical thought?
That’s liberal enlightenment, if I ever heard it.

It also sounds like the fine folks at the NCAA, doesn’t it?

The president of the National Organization for Women claims that the ad would be “extraordinarily offensive and demeaning” to women. Huh?
You mean if you make ads ONLY for abortion, etc then no one should find that offensive.
I guess if you even have thoughts and ideas contrary to what they believe then you’re a bad, neo-con, Nazi. Riiiiiight.
Who are the real Nazi’s, the ones that want to suppress free thought or the ones who will express a thought counter to what the liberal socialists think no matter how much ridicule it brings.

I ask you?

USC VERSES USC

As you may have read the University of Southern California took the University of South Carolina to court over the “trademark” of their respective symbols
more specifically the interlocking initials of their U-S-C.

“Mister” Edelman the attorney for Southern California had these professional words to say concerning the dispute….

“Sports logo registrations are not limited to use in team colors, so there was potential for South Carolina merchandise to be mistaken for that of (Southern Cal), Edelman said.
He also suggested that the letters were more deservedly linked to the Trojans’ warrior image than to “a goofy little chicken.”
“I think they wanted to move away from the gamecock logo,” Edelman said of the University of South Carolina. “Something that is totally understandable.”

I ask you dear readers, how in the hell do you get these two symbols confused?

My take on this dispute is simple….
Listen closely Gamecock faithful….
Tell the University of Southern California and the Court to kiss your Gamecock ass.

Keep your USC symbol as it is….

TENNESSEE

It has been reported that Phil Fulmer assisted the University of Tennessee in finding the replacement for Lame Kitten.

It was further reported Phil had this to say concerning his “duties”

He stated he was ready to help make “one of the most important decisions” in the program’s history.
He also said the next coach should embrace Tennessee traditions, be mature and have integrity.

By using terms like “traditions” and “integrity” does Phil mean protecting rapist and other criminals on the team, while concocting conspiracies against your rivals?

Does it mean changing grades and inventing “walking classes” for athletes?

Or does it mean having a six percent graduation rate for your student athletes?

Maybe it means having your own personal attorney “represent” those thugs on the team
that beat up a female student that refused to do his homework and the athletes that beat up and permanently disfigured a male student at a basketball game.

I hope for the University of Tennessee, that wasn’t what he meant.

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Sir –
You appear from your writing to be an educated man with some sense of worldliness”
So I ask you this question in hopes you will assist me in my quest for justice.
Recently I purchased a women’s brief case, yet upon arriving back at my apartment and opening the case I noticed there were no women’s undergarments inside.
I attempted to get my money back after vehemently complaining to the proprietor and accusing him of “false advertisement” since there were no ladies briefs anywhere in the case, but to no avail.
In fact they ridiculed me as I left the establishment in disgust!
So I ask you sir, Do I have a clear cut case of False Advertisement or not?
Thomas – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: Tom, do you live in your Grandmothers’ basement and dress up in her clothes?
I’m just asking before I dispense any expert legal advice…

Q: Mister Wizard, we were all sorry to hear you didn’t get the opportunity to attend the National Championship game this year in beautiful southern California!
We were in hopes you would have the opportunity to attend one of our many diversity classes here at the Pasadena Community College, just around the corner from the world famous Rose Bowl.
In fact we have an interactive history class which would have been perfect for you!
It’s called the “Boston Tea Party Massacre Story”……
The class opens with Abraham Lincoln freeing the wrongly imprisoned Asian Americans from World War II interment camps, and establishing a coalition of partners to rebuild the Aztecs Empire after the United States military mistakenly carpet bombed them.
Meanwhile Millard Fillmore and Jimmy Carter, perhaps two of our country’s greatest leaders, destroy hundreds of Lipton Tea Bags in Boston Harbor in protest over America’s treatment of Cuba; Gloria Estefan will provide the theme music for this particular portion of the class and the award winning documentary director Michael Moore has gladly offered his services to direct the group towards the truth.
We have the entire class available on CD, would you like for us to send you a copy?
Dr. Emilio Jose T. Ricardo- Pasadena, California

A: I have but one comment on your letter Doctor
How dare you drag Gloria Estefan into your twisted world!
That woman is a national treasure!

Q: Sir, I know this is “slightly” off the college football subject…
But I know you love BBQ, so I need to ask….
How can you tell the moment you walk into a BBQ joint if it’s going to be any good?
Jim – New Iberia, Louisiana

A: College Football and BBQ go together like peas and carrots; so don’t worry about asking a question like that here. You came to the right place….
As you may know I am a bit of an “expert” when it comes to BBQ….
That being said Jim….
I look for two things right off the bat in a BBQ joint..
One…
When you walk in, you should be able to smell that smoky goodness…..
Two…
If the place has a Jukebox and Conway Twitty is playing when you walk in…
You are home…
(More on my highly scientific process later…)

Q: Greetings and Salutations Mister Wizard!
I have followed your articles concerning college football “live” mascots very closely.
Why you may ask?
Because I have the next “live” mascot for the University of South Carolina!
I have raised a rooster that I call “El Uno Con Grande Talentos”
(The one with the Large Talons)
Just imagine…..
As El Uno Con Grande Talentos enters William Brice Stadium….
Everyone in the stadium will be wearing festive hats and blowing party horns and screaming “Viva El Uno Con Grande Talentos!” “Viva El Uno Con Grande Talentos!”
Then for the finale…..The Carolina Cheerleaders can come on to the field and shout
“Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole!” While wearing festive sombreros and pulling a burro!
What do you think?
Jose – Conway, South Carolina

A: Jose you are aware this is “College football” and not bullfighting, right?

Q: Well Mister Wizard you have had quite a Year!
Your beloved Crimson Tide are the National Champions!
Southern California is in disarray as is the NCAA and Notre Dame…
Is there anything you “didn’t” get for Christmas this year?
Melinda –Bay City, Texas

A: I am very fortunate and blessed Melinda, that’s for sure.
And certainly I have had nearly every wish granted to me this year in college football.
So I have no complaints…
But If I could have but one more wish….
I wish a herd of rabid possums would attack and eat Jon and Kate and all eight of what ever the hell they are.
I am sick of hearing about those idiots
Q: So Mister Wizard, do you have any big plans before Spring Football starts?
Perhaps a vacation?
Just wondering….
The Rogers Family – Omaha, Nebraska

A: Great question and thank you for asking Rogers family.
This “off season” I will use my time to finalize my court case against the popular restaurant chain “Cracker Barrel”.
I am in the process of suing the popular chain because quite simply….
Every time I see the name it reminds me I am white….
I mean seriously, what’s next “Honky Bucket”?
No this discrimination has got to Stop!
Either that or they may pay me 12 million dollars for my “pain” and “suffering” and we can call it even.

Q: What is the deal with Mark May of ESPN!
You have been right about him all along!
My wife and I got a chance to meet him recently at a promotion for Home Depot..
They are the sponsor of the ESPN College Game Day Set, and Lord have mercy!
You want to talk about some bad breath!
Mark May’s breath smelled like ass and boiled cabbage!
It made my wife’s eyes water!
I am telling you his breath smells like my Saint Bernard’s butt!
Anyway…..
Thanks for telling us about Mark May, we should have listened to you.
Doug and Karen Shipley – Paducah, Kentucky

A: Actually Mr. and Mrs. Shipley I said Mark May was “full of crap”, I never said his breath smelled like it too.

Q: Hey Mister Smart Ass!
We Tennessee Fans don’t appreciate it one damn bit you making fun of Coach Drooly with them funny pictures!
First things first, he come from “real” coaching stock, in case you hadn’t heard his daddy was THE Coach Drooly from the University of Georgia!
Ever heard of him?
Second, he was coaching at a school that was right up the road from them LSU Tigers, and they never played him, you want to know why?
Cause they is scared of Coach Drooly, that’s why!
Third, he ain’t from California so that makes him ok in our book!
So Lay off Coach Drooly!
Slim and Scooter Watkins – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: With names like “Slim and Scooter” I can only hope one of you aren’t anorexic and the other is on a Hover Round scooter,
but that being said, I was going to correct you on the name of your new coach, but frankly I am laughing too hard.

Post Season Thanks….

In my National Championship euphoria I failed to thank my sponsors and all the fine people
that not only help with this article week after week throughout the season…..
But encourage me to keep writing.
There are truly too many people to thank here…
But in no particular order I need to acknowledge a few people….
I couldn’t type a single word or have it posted without the amazingly talented Dennis
who is the single greatest webmaster on planet earth.
Thank you Dennis, you sir are the man.
I want to thank Big Paul, Matt and Hank and the Charleston “A-Team” for great ideas, tremendous humor, invaluable contributions and friendship.
Thank you to my “Royal” Family of Alabama….
The Princess, Miss Kaye and Christy, whose humor, encouragement and kindness have kept me writing, I love you ladies.
To my adopted Clemson Family
Thank you so very much for everything, I truly miss and love you all.
My Deepest Gratitude to Bulldog Jim and the Mississippi State Bulldog faithful for all their encouragement and kind words.
Many Thanks goes to my other Carolina family, Beaver Jim, Susan and the Aiken Crew for your contributions, ideas and tremendous sense of humor.
Thank you to Eric and the rest of the Oak Ridge Boys.
Many Thanks to Lee and his beautiful Texas bride, I owe you my friend.
To my family in Baja Alabama
Deke, Steve, Seminole Puddly, Arkansas Dave, Reece and Eric and the many others…
You all got me started, provided great humor, ideas and encouragement throughout the years.
I can never thank you all enough.

I owe a depth of gratitude to Col J and the Husker Nation.
You encouraged me to keep writing when I wasn’t feeling it, I thank you sir.

To all my overseas readers and contributors, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I also want to thank the fine people at the Stony Brook Chalets in Gatlinburg

Drop by for a weekend and relax or plan a vacation with them, you won’t be disappointed.
Tell Pam and Ed your favorite college football prognosticator sent you.

http://stonybrooklodging.com/

And lastly…

As long as you continue to enjoy it, I’ll keep writing.

That’s why I do it…

Thank you all

NEXT WEEK..

The Number One Tennessee Fan on the planet
will have his commentary and comments later this week about Lame Kitten and the newest coach to Beacon Hill.

So stay Tuned..

RTR

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL WIZARD

Much like my University’s mascot…
I have the memory of an elephant and I hardly ever forget anything.
As you might imagine, it’s a curse and blessing.

That being said….
I remember the following quotes from some noted Sports publications and commentators
back in August of this year before the college football season began.

Sports Illustrated

“Pete Carroll and the Trojans are even better than they were a year ago…”

“The Mighty Men of Troy will once again breeze through the PAC 10 and be in the National title picture…”

“Pete Carroll is the best college football coach in the country, hands down”

Fox Sports

“The Southern California Trojans won’t miss a beat this year…..
and their defense will be even better than it has been the past several years, and that is scary…”

“Coach Pete Carroll has one of the top two college football teams in the Nation”

Lisa Horne of Fox Sports

“Like it or not, Pete Carroll and the Southern California Trojans will be in the National Title game this year….”

“Matt Barkley will lead the Trojans to the National Title game….”

“Matt Barkley “may be” the first freshman to win the Heisman trophy…”

College Football News

“The Trojans will win the PAC 10 title hands down and will be in the National Title game at the end of the season…”

“The Men of Troy’s defense is scary good and even better than it was a year ago…”

ESPN

“Nobody in the PAC 10 can touch USC; the only question is who they will face in the National title game”

“Pete Carroll has assembled his finest team since his arrival on the Trojan campus”

ESPN’s Mark May

“Pete Carroll has such a wealth of talent at every position, all he has to do is reload”

“The Southern California Trojans will face either Texas or Florida in the National Championship game….
but Pete Carroll’s Trojans will definitely be in the title game.”

“Once the Trojans defeat Ohio State, nothing will slow them down until the National Title game”

CBS Sports

“Like it or not folks, the National Title will have to go through Pete Carroll’s Trojans”

THE CFB WIZARD

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator didn’t pick the Trojans to win anything….
not the conference title or be in the national title hunt.

And the emails flowed in with that prognostication didn’t they?

Some called me a “Trojan Hater”

Other emails from California and irate Trojan Fans called me far worse names.

Now after a school known more for their SAT scores than touchdowns…
Torched the Trojans for 55 points on “Homecoming” and Coach Pete and the Men of Troy are
“Where?” in the Pac 10 Conference standings, I have to ask all you detractors….

“How do you like me now?”

But look on the bright side U$C Trojan fans….
At least Coach Pete shook the Stanford’s Coach’s hand at the end of this game…
unlike the snub he gave him two years ago when the Cardinal Beat the Trojans at home.
So I guess, that counts for something…

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH SOUNDS OF STUPIDITY

Life is funny sometimes.
Just when you think some things have changed, they remain the same.
Take the University of Tennessee for instance..
Just when you think they Volunteers have a Football Coach…
that will restore a tattered reputation away from “Thug University”
and bring discipline back to a program that couldn’t spell it during the Phil Fulmer era….
once again we find ourselves back where we started.

In the event you haven’t heard or read about the three Tennessee Football players recent arrest
let me give you the “Low Lights” of the three Orange clad prodigal sons of stupidity.

Three Tennessee football players, one a “star” recruit and wearing his “Tennessee football regalia”
attempted to rob at gun point using a pellet gun, people in a vehicle at a truck stop
in the very same town in which they live and play football.

As you might imagine, it doesn’t end there….

One player was released by the police..
after presumably rolling over on the other two
and the other two players posted their bond that was set at $19,500 dollars each.

Tennessee Athletic Director Mike Hamilton had this to say…..

“We are evaluating the circumstances surrounding the incident before we make a decision”

Tennessee Football Coach Lane Kiffin had this to say……

“We are gathering all information until we make a decision…”

EDITORS NOTE: I wrote the very lines you are about to read…
time and time again about the same lousy excuses provided by Fat Phil Fulmer
and the then alcoholic Athletic Director at the University of Tennessee for similar incidents and some far worse.

So for the benefit of Coach Lane Kiffin and Athletic Director Mike Hamilton, let me make this one simple for you, O.K?

Wait for it…..

Wait for it….

There are ALREADY is plenty of “information” available to make a “decision”, it’s all in the police report, you two dumbass’s.

I sure hope that helps.

But I have two questions for Coach Lane, Mike Hamilton and all the loyal Volunteer Fans out there.

Who paid their bail and who is paying for their attorney’s?

Because it damn sure isn’t them or their families and we all know that don’t we?

More later in the week..

So stay Tuned…

RTR
MEB

I guess they can’t handle the truth….

After my commentary last week….
The twin towers of stupidity had the unmitigated gall to title their next article….
“Meet their Match: Can anyone Catch Southern California?”

Are you kidding me?
The gibbering idiots at the College Football News went on to say…
“That if Southern California can survive their brutal road schedule, they will be a lock for the National Championship game.”

Brutal road schedule, is that some sort of a joke?
Granted they play The Ohio State Buckeyes in the Big Horseshoe this year..
But playing at Washington, Notre Dame and Oregon is brutal?

I half expected to hear them squeal like 10 year old girls while they were writing…
“O My Gosh, they like also play at California and at Arizona State!…
They are like playing Golden Bears and Sun Devils, that just sounds so scary!
But that Coach Pete is just so dreamy…
Where is that picture of him in Tiger Beat?”

While they were in the throngs of ecstasy wallowing in their love of Saint Pete and the Trojans, they once AGAIN failed to mention anything about the “on-going” NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans.

Instead….
They wanted us all to know that eleven players have left the University of Tennessee football team since Lane Kiffin took over as head coach. They also felt obligated to inform us that Coach Kiffin had given a scholarship to a kid that was convicted of a heinous rape a few years before.

But…..
They failed to mention anything at the time about the Trojan’s Frostee Rucker.
He was a defensive lineman that was expelled from Colorado State for sexually assaulting a female student and indecent exposure.
He was immedately recruited by Saint Pete and Southern California and accepted a scholarship to play for the Trojans.

But the story doesn’t end there….
It was reported that Rucker sexually assaulted another girl while at Southern California in August of 2005.

The shocking part to all of this?
He never missed a game at U$C….
Not one…
In fact the story never came to light until his eligibility with the Trojans expired.
What a crazy coincidence, right?

You want to talk about “Golden Boy” Mark Sanchez and his Rape Charge?

I didn’t think so….

You still think I am being too harsh?

Last week ….
The NCAA released their findings on the Graduation Success Rates (GSR) data of the various universities and colleges.
In case you didn’t know…
The NCAA has mandated that University and College athletic programs must meet a specific criteria for graduation of athletes or risk being banned from post season play.

The fine folks (Nazis actually….) from Indianapolis..
Penalized the football programs from Chattanooga, Jacksonville State and McNeese State….
As well as other smaller schools….
And banned them from post-season play.

But interestingly enough….
Not one, but two PAC 10 Universities scored below the accepted minimum…
And lower than two of the colleges mentioned above…
Yet they were not penalized at all….

Maybe….
They didn’t penalize the PAC 10 schools because they aren’t in the South?

You still need convincing?

The NCAA will not allow ANY tournaments in the state of Mississippi….
Because “they” don’t like the state flag….
Despite the fact the fine people of Mississippi voted to keep the current flag design..
I guess the folks in Indianapolis choose not to recognize popular elections in this country..

The NCAA will not allow ANY tournaments in the state of South Carolina…
Because the confederate battle flag flies over a confederate monument on the grounds of the state capital.
I guess the NCAA believes they have the right to tell the STATE of South Carolina what displays they should have on STATE property…

The reason I mention this…
Is because…

The NCAA didn’t ban any tournaments or anything else for that matter….
In Los Angeles after the Rodney King Riots…

They didn’t ban any tournaments in Boston due to racial strife or gay marriages..

They won’t penalize a state until they account for all illegal aliens…
And “undocumented workers”…

They won’t ban teams in a state that provides a haven for terrorists and Muslim extremists..

They won’t punish a city that bans Military Recruiters from college campuses…

So are we to believe that only Southerners are raciest?

If you believe that then I bet you didn’t hear or read about this…
On February 8, 2007 several Southern California Trojan football players created and joined a racist Facebook group as a “joke”….

The racist Facebook group was called “White Nation”: it showed a graphic of a swastika and a black baby in handcuffs with the caption “arrest black babies before they become criminals.”
The group was created by U$C linebacker Clay Matthews and was joined by teammates David Buehler, Brian Cushing, Dan Deckas and Dallas Sartz and others…

Coach Pete Carroll responded to reports of the incident by saying he had “No Plans to discipline the players” and U$C later announced that none of the players would be punished.

According to Pete Carroll….
“It’s not a controversy, it’s a mistake.”

What would have been the national media’s reaction….
If that would have happened in Gainesville, Starkville or Clemson?
Or God Forbid…
Alabama….

At the very least…
We would have been subjected to a week long “Mississippi Burning” marathon on TBS..

According to the national sports media and the NCAA…
We Southerners are the only cheaters…

But it’s O.K. that Pete Carroll in February 2007 lied about his and Reggie Bush’s contact with Joe McKnight to both the NCAA and his employer.
You remember that right?

U$C compliance officials announced they were investigating whether an NCAA violation occured during the Trojan’s pursuit of Louisiana prep star running back Joe McKnight. The investigation followed reports that McKnight had told reporters that U$C Coach Pete Carroll had set up a conference call so he and high school coach J.T. Curtis could be reassured by ex-Trojan running back Reggie Bush that U$C would not be punished for a separate NCAA Investigation into improper benefits taken by Bush while at U$C.

Carroll later denied that any call took place, and Curtis said that McKnight misspoke.
But…
According to NCAA officials, if U$C got Bush’s help in recruiting McKnight….
It would be considered a “secondary violation” of recruiting rules…

But the NCAA gave them a pass….

Just like the NCAA gave U$C and Dwayne Jarrett a pass when he “didn’t know” he had to pay rent at a luxury apartment at $4500.00 dollars a month for a year and a half.

EDITORS NOTE: If you are counting….
In rent alone that comes to Over 80K…

No mention of course….
From the NCAA on utilities or what type of ride D-Wayne had at the time…
I guess they “didn’t know” they should have looked into that too….

If you think I am being picky here..
Try that stunt next time you buy groceries…
Just take what you want and head to the car…
In the event you get caught…
Just tell them..
You “didn’t know” you had to pay for them…
And then see how far that gets you…

All the while…
The national sports media and the NCAA..
Wants to “look into serious violations of student athlete miss-use of text books” at Alabama…
It was reported that “Up to fifteen hundred dollars of text book mis-use has been reported…”

Wow and you call that a scandal?
But Reggie Bush and his family can accept Hundreds of Thousands of dollars in cash…
Flights…
Weekend getaways…
Vehicles…
From a registered Sports Agent while at U$C..
And it’s all O.K.?
Right?

If it seems at times I take this all too seriously…
It’s because I do…

Because…
I don’t like smartass yankees and sue happy Californians picking on my beloved South…

If they keep this up I might just run for the President of the Republic of Texas…
Don’t laugh..
I am a hellava lot more qualified than what you have seen lately…

RTR
MEB

Before we discuss the past week in College Football, I want to tell you a thing or two about picking the games….

You see I have been in a rush picking your games.
I admit it…

I am not making excuses…
If I were to make excuses I would use any one of my favorite three excuses.
You know what those are right?

The Sun was in my eyes…

I had a rock in my shoe….

And…
I don’t play well on artificial turf…

You see “IF” I hadn’t of been in a hurry this past week, (Believe it or not)…
I would have picked Oregon State over U$C…and
the Houston Cougars over East Carolina…

Don’t get me wrong..
I still would have missed Navy over Wake Forest…
Michigan over Wisconsin….
Colorado over Florida State…
Iowa over Northwestern…
and I Damn sure would have missed Ole Miss over…
Never mind you get the picture…

Not that it would have made a big difference…

I just would have felt better about myself this week…

NOT that it wasn’t a GREAT weekend for me….

But I will be much more careful (for you) My Beloved fans in the Future…

ROLL TIDE ROLL……
MEB

FROM THE….

WHAT THE HELL? (FILE)

WISCONSIN: What were you cheeseheads thinking?
Thanks for making me look like a complete jackass….

WAKE FOREST: How could you lose to “Navy”? Their mascot is a goat!
You beat Florida State (AT Florida State!) last Saturday…
Then Lose to Navy at home the next….

I am speechless….

COLORADO: Were you all really that un-inspired without my sister-in-law leading you onto the field? I knew that she could irritate the hell out of someone…(anyone)
But “Inspire”?
Never….

CARSON NEWMAN: I can believe losing to “Mayberry”, but “New” Berry…?

CLEMSON: My friends….
I do not have words that will comfort you…
Except maybe….
FIRE TOMMY’S ASS……

IOWA: “Children of the Corn”…my butt.
You all couldn’t scare a class of second graders…

FLORIDA: I am still too shocked to speak on the subject…
Maybe next week…

MIAMI (FL): You all play the toughest 15 minutes of football in the country…
Unfortunately the game is 60 damn minutes long….

HAWAII: The way you play; you don’t deserve to live in the same state as “Dog the Bounty Hunter”…

QUOTE OF THE WEEK (PART I)

“The first thing they need to do is listen to Coach Fulmer and the coaching staff……they know what they are doing..”

-Peyton Manning talking to CBS Sideline Reporter Tracy Wolfson on the Tennessee bench during the Tennessee – Auburn game

EDITORS NOTE: You Tennessee Vol fans ARE smart enough to know this is “damage control” to save the Fat Man’s job right?

QUOTE OF THE WEEK (PART II)

“This team needs to listen to Coach Fulmer and the coaching staff….
They have a plan. So listen to them and follow the plan…
Coach Fulmer knows what he is doing….”

- The second time CBS sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson spoke with Peyton Manning on the Tennessee bench during the Tennessee – Auburn game

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously; you Tennessee fans “DO KNOW” this “Spin Cycle” is all being done to protect Fat Phil’s job, right?
You sure….?

QUOTE OF THE WEEK (PART III)

“I wanted to touch each of the players in a place they hadn’t been touched before…”

- Peyton Manning’s response to CBS sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson when asked if he said or did anything with the Vol Football team before the game…

EDITORS NOTE: Dude, I wouldn’t have said that…

GOD’S GIFT TO THE COMMON MAN

This week’s God’s Gift to the Common man (and woman) comes in the form of the greatest gift to tailgating since the invention of charcoal…

Earl Campbell’s Hot Links…

Not only was Earl a Heisman Trophy winner from the University of Texas…
(Hook Em Horns…)
And a member of the Professional Football Hall of Fame…

He also makes the best damn Hot Links and Sausage on the planet…

Here is one link (No Pun intended) there are others…
Get some today…
There is nothing like them…
http://www.samsclub.com/shopping/navigate.do?dest=5&item=182629

COMMENTARY

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: The Trojan$ lose to an unranked team with a losing record (No disrespect to the Oregon State Beavers)……..
And the Trojan$ stay in the AP top ten….
Did you know the Trojan$ are currently only 2 and 1…..

The Number “Ten” Team is 5 and 0….

It finally occurred to me what bothers me the most about everything $outhern California Trojan$….

The sense of entitlement….

Why don’t they have to “Fight their way back into the Top Ten”?
Like everybody else….

If they were really that good…
Would they have lost to Oregon State?

The belief of the Privileged….

The Trojan$ and their Pimps from ESPN and ABC “believe” the Trojan$ are a team of “Destiny”…and they “still” have a shot at the National Title….

Of course ESPN and ABC Sports don’t think THE Ohio State University has a shot at the title…despite losing to the (then) top team in the nation….not an unranked losing team (No disrespect to the Oregon State Beavers..)

ESPN and ABC have all but written off Georgia despite losing to a top ten footbal team AND falling out of the Top Ten themselves…

Why don’t the TROJAN$ (after a stellar 2 and 1 record) have to work like the devil (and maybe win a few more games) to get back into the Top Ten or Top fifteen?

I WONDER don’t you?

NCAA: I continue to see on the various College Football Blogs and Forums how Great and wonderful “Alabama is doing since being on probation…”

Some still call us cheaters…

Prehaps what bothers me the most, even more than the FACT that the NCAA punished the University of Alabama without ANY evidence….

That’s right I said it…
AND so did the Lead NCAA Investigator in the case…

I would suggest…
You READ the NCAA “evidence” and you will agree…
Yet I digress…

Is the fact the NCAA has ALL the evidence they need in the Reggie Bush – Southern California Trojan Case……

 In the form of recorded tapes with Reggie Bush and his then “sports agent”…
Credit Card receipt’s….payed for by Reggie’s “sports agent”…
signed by Reggie Himself…

Plane Tickets…
Signed legal agreement’s…

and a HOUSE with an ADDRESS for GOD’S Sake…!!!!!!
Paid by Reggie’s “Sports Agent”….

Yet….
The NCAA and the PAC 10 Conference refuses to say anything concerning the investigation…

WHY?

I guess there are two sets of rules at the NCAA….
Those for Southerners….and the midwest…
And those for the privileged….

EDITORS NOTE: And as a side note…
The only thing funnier than the NCAA using the words “Fair” is when they use the word “Education”…

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, I cannot believe how Tennessee is a playing!
We is depressed as hell around here!
When we was a watching the game this past weekend, we noticed Coach Fulmer hollering at the Vol Quarterback, when he a coming off the field!
We couldn’t hear or tell what he was a saying!
Do you know what Coach Fulmer was telling the Tennessee Quarterback?
Thanks!
Shakey and Shelia – Athens, Tennessee

A: Lucky for you I have Bionic Hearing…
Coach Fulmer was telling the Tennessee Quarterback Jonathan Cromton…
“GET in MY BELLY!”

Q: Mike, did you see Chris Berman on College Game Day this past Saturday?
He said (and I quote..)
“The SEC, The BIG 12 and the BIG Ten need to pay attention!
The Ivy League is were football was invented!”

What do you think about that?
Kevin – Thomasville, Georgia
A: Well Kevin, “Flight” was invented at Kitty Hawk North Carolina and they don’t even have a damn airport today…
So don’t put any stock in what some smartass over-paid yankee has to say…

Q: What ever happened to the NCAA’s “Excessive Celebration” rule in College Football?
Since the University of Washington was taken behind the woodshed by the “rule”…
And the NCAA and the PAC 10 Conference Defended the rulings…
The NCAA appears to have backed away from their ruling…
YET, we haven’t heard anything..
What gives?
Thanks Mike!
Jimmy – Lincoln, Nebraska

A: In case you didn’t know Jimmy…
The NCAA is made up of a bunch of “Know it all” Academics, that can’t (and won’t) admit when they are wrong…

O’ Yeah…
Also they are all Wusseys….

Q: Mike, if you were driving down the road and you saw the President of the NCAA (Miles Brand) on the side of the road, what one word comes to mind?
Be Honest….
Jerry – Birmingham, Alabama
A: “Accelerate”

Enjoy your Week!

RTR

MEB

We only have time to cover those College Football Games that take place between now and Saturday…

So Please…Stay tuned.

We have a lot to discuss on Friday in Part II of Your Week Five College Football Picks…

We will have the Weekly Round Up…

Email Questions and Answers….

And the All Important Games of the Week…

 Alabama and Georgia between the hedges…

Arkansas and Texas in an old Fashion Southwest Conference Fight….

The Thundering Herd of Marshall travel to Morgantown to take on the Mountaineers of West Virginia…

And a whole lot more….

See you back here on Friday for all the games…

Also….

Before I forget…
Hootie Snitch (The Self Proclaimed “Number One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Planet!”) found his mothers dentures….
So you Tennessee Fans can call off the search.

Her teeth were found in the glovebox of her Towtruck behind the “New” pair of Channel Locks…

Enjoy your Picks!

Thursday September 25th

Southern Methodist at Tulane
My Mighty Mustangs are only a year away….
GREEN WAVE 33-23

Southern California at Oregon State
I don’t know which is worse…
Knowing the Trojans are going to win…
OR the National Sports Media slobber fest that will take place over the next four hours on “How Great The Trojans Are..”
TROJANS 43-17

Friday September 26th

Connecticut at Louisville
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
Don’t try and Stop Me!….
Just Believe….
CARDINALS 31-27

Hofstra at Stony Brook
The truth is, I could care less about a school named after a lung infection….
But this game does remind me that it’s time for a shamless plug for my friends at Stony Brook Chalets in Beautiful Gatlinburg….
There isn’t a better place on the planet to relax and recharge than at Stony Brook…
Give them a call….you will be glad you did.

http://www.stonybrooklodging.com/

See you back here tomorrow…

RTR
MEB

There are a lot of things that don’t make sense to me; say like the NCAA dragging its feet on the investigation into Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California and cheese logs.

I don’t understand how the Weather Channel can “predict” a dozen major hurricanes this year, but can’t tell me if it’s going to rain in the morning.

Why is there an Amish Outlet?
Are the Amish producing so many goods that they need a place to sell the excess?
And how much stuff can you move in a buggy anyway?

Why is there a store that sells “Irregular” clothing?
Do I really want to save ten dollars on a pair of jeans only to have to explain to my friends why one leg of my pants is eight inches higher than the other and why my zipper is located on my hip?

I recently saw a billboard on the way to my wife’s family reunion that said, “Grandpa’s House of Meat and Cheese” and then at the bottom of the sign it said, “Come on in and check out Grandpa’s Meat!”
Am I the only person that thinks that is funny as hell and a little disgusting?

Do people in this country really think that having a “Talent” constitutes setting off twenty dollars worth of firecrackers in your pants while you play the ukulele?

I know, sometimes I think too much, but just don’t get me started on cheese logs.

Email Questions and Answers

Q: Mike, do you know the orgin of why they call Youngstown State the Penguins?
Thanks!
Jeremy – Zanesville, Ohio
A: Because the university is located ten miles form the artic circle Jeremy.

Q: Mike, I was shopping for my wife’s birthday and was looking at purchasing a UT (Tennessee) version of the game Monopoly and was wondering if you knew the diffrence between this version and the regular Monopoly game?
Tommy – Jackson, Tennessee
A: Glad you asked Tommy. The Tennessee version of Monopoly has a variety of different twists but the most noticeable is that not only does the Tennessee football player end up in jail and cannot collect two hundred dollars, but he also has to wait for Phil Fulmer’s lawyer to bail him out.

Q: As a Professor of Philosophy at a Major Ivy League Institution, I feel that I am qualified to comment on your latest rant forbidding children to choose their favorite teams in sports. Simply put; we should let them choose to stimulate their creativity and develop self worth in their decision making process. I hope this helped you understand how we “do things up north.”
Dr. R. Moran – Cambridge, Massachusetts.
A: Admit it Doc, you heard these words a lot growing up….
“Hand over your lunch money”

Q: Mike, I have a confession to make. I am a life long Alabama Fan, but yesterday while I was at work I “Kind of” flirted with this young lady that is a recent Auburn graduate.
What should I do?
Warren – Cottondale, Alabama
A: Say Thirty “Hail Bryants” and go back to work and behave yourself.

Q: Mike is the mascot at the University of Nebraska, “Husker Boy” real or is that a student in a costume? That boy has got the biggest head I have ever seen on a human being!
Shirley – Texarkana, Arkansas
A: Unfortunately Shirley that is NOT a student in a costume, but he doesn’t have the largest head of all the mammals. That distinction belongs to Wynonna Judd.

Q: You were a little hard on the new Georgia State head football coach in a previous post. Are we to understand that you really don’t think Bill Curry is a very good football coach?
Debbie – Atlanta, Georgia
A: Bill Curry is to Coaching what Siegfried and Roy are to Heterosexuality.

Q: What is the craziest thing you have seen during this off season?
Todd – Biloxi, Mississippi
A: “I saw a werewolf drinking a Pina Colada at Trader Vic’s; his hair was perfect.”

EDITORS NOTE: My Thanks to Warren Zevon for the above answer.

Q: Mike, how are the football players at the University of Tennessee going to stay academically eligible without the “Minor in Dance” classes?
Julie – Gainesville, Florida
A: Thank goodness they still have the “Walking Classes” or they might be in real trouble. But I have on good authority that the “new” curriculum for freshman football players at Tennessee will include two classes from the Agriculture Department.
The Armadillo: Possum on the Half Shell or Natures Little Tank?
Okra: Hairy vegetable or Natures Bore Brush?

Q: Mike I know that you have discussed this before, but I have to ask which university do you think has the worse mascot in all of collegiate sports?
Sorry if this is a repeat question! Thanks!
Kim – Spartanburg, South Carolina
A: There are a number of worthy candidates for that award Kim, but I would have to say that the Evergreen State Geoduck wins the award for the worst mascot.
It looks like a foam rubber turd with legs, see for yourself.

Enjoy your Fourth of July and remember we are only 56 days away from Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB