At the risk of sounding like some old person who is always talking about their ailments, I felt obligated to you (My Beloved Readers) to provide, at the least some momentary humor while we await the beginning of our College Football Spring Practice.

Enjoy…..

If you keep up with this column (And I know you do) you know that I had a routine physical examination a couple of weeks ago……

Well before I was scheduled for my first consultation for my colonoscopy also referred to here as “The Journey to the Center of the Earth”, I was told I needed to see another Doctor about the results of my blood work.

Ok, so before we move on here…

Whatever happened to everyone’s sense of humor?

And please don’t give me that story about how “Stressful” life is…..
or how “Serious” we must be in our chosen professions….

I think those statements have more baloney in it than a Ball Park Hotdog

But yet I digress…

I need to share with you my philosophy when it comes to Doctors and Lawyers and Veterinarians

I like to know my Doctors, Lawyers and Veterinarians and I interview them, yes interview them, before we enter into what I like to call a “Business Relationship”

Why, because they work for me that’s why

So here is a brief list of my criteria for a Doctor, Lawyer or Veterinarian

1.Did you do your undergraduate study at a university that had a marching band?
(Why is this important you may ask? Because if they attended a college without a college football team, then it wasn’t a “real” college)

2.Did you attend a Medical School and or Law School that had an affiliation with a University that had a marching band?
(Please see the above rationale for an explanation)

3.Are you an American citizen?
(I feel this is important because I don’t want to have someone poking around on me and or handling my financial transactions who I may have captured while “liberating” their country)

4.Will your name fit on the back of a football jersey?
(Please see the above rationale for an explanation)

So with that being said, I went to see an Oscar Myer Weiner Doctor, which I think sounds better than saying a urologist, and I didn’t know who he was because Doctor Dan’s office “made” the appointment for me.

So it was time to test the waters, so to speak

A nurse calls my name….

I walk up to the counter and she asked me…..
“If I had any questions about the results of my blood work”

So I say…

“Ya’ll didn’t find any hemoglobin’s in my blood did you?”

With a puzzled look the nurse says “What?”

And I say….

“The reason I ask is, I got a cousin Gerald who has always been a little light in the loafers if you know what I mean, and I wanted to be sure I didn’t have any hemoglobin’s in my blood because I am straight up heterosexual”

She got up from her desk and left without saying a word….

But not before I told her…

“Gerald was in the Coast Guard, I don’t know if he got them hemoglobin’s from the Coast Guard or he was just born with it, but I suspect he was always that way”

A few minutes later “another” serious looking nurse invites me back to the offices and asks me to set in a chair as they are going to take another blood sample…

She asked me which arm I would like to have the blood sample taken from….

I thought that was the perfect time to say…

“I use my left arm to shoot heroin so let’s go with the right arm”

You would have thought that nurse backed into an electric fence before she ran down the hall

Good thing she didn’t stick me with the needle before she decided to flee in terror or I would have bleed to death

Then the Oscar Myer Weiner Doctor walks up…..
As he proceeds to introduce himself, which to be honest I really wasn’t listening…

I noticed his name tag said….
“Dr. Mohammad Al-Elia Acabar Momar Kadiffi Jihad”

Note to Self: Add two other criteria for Doctors and Lawyers and Veterinarians list

1.Don’t have a Doctor, Lawyer or Veterinarian with “Mohammad” in their name even if it’s Muhammad Ali

2.Avoid at all costs any Doctors, Lawyers or Veterinarians with “Jihad” in their name, for reasons that should be abundantly clear

So after he finished introducing himself I felt obligated to ask…

“You sure do look familiar to me, do me a favor and raise your hands above your head for a minute….”
“Didn’t I capture you a few years ago?”

He said something about “Jihad” and something else I’m not quite sure of, but I was sure I didn’t want him as my Oscar Myer Weiner Doctor, I am far too attached to that part of my body to have Jihad declared on my personal business.

And then good fortune struck….

Walking down the hall was my swim partner from the gym and proud University of Texas Longhorn Graduate, Doctor Eric, who just so happens to be an Oscar Myer Weiner Doctor.

We chit-chatted for a moment and as fast you could say “Hook Em Horns”, Doctor Eric is my Urologist.

I also think it is worth mentioning here that Doctor Eric shares my sense of humor and love of college football, as we talked about both before we “got down to business”

Next week he and I will have a little procedure to go through, me more so that Doctor Eric, but we are in this thing together.

I will be on the injured reserve list for the next couple of weeks, so don’t worry about your favorite college football prognosticator I will be back in the lineup before spring practice.

And before you ask….

The reason I checked my vehicle for IED’s had nothing to do with seeing Doctor Mohammad Jihad in the parking lot before I left the medical park.

It’s just precautionary, that’s all.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Whatever happened to some people’s sense of humor?

I write a tongue and cheek article about Texas A&M joining the Southeastern Conference two weeks ago and you would have thought I wrote a diatribe about my undying love for communism.

I’m not a Liberal, so don’t worry about my attraction or affection for communism.

I bet that one liner will get a few letters too.

Let me remind some of you Texas A&M Aggies that felt obligated to send me a variety of semi-coherent nasty emails the past two weeks of one very simple fact…
If nothing else I am a gentleman.

With that being said….

I won’t embarrass you by saying that despite the fact I was so far down the depth chart it would take a microscope to find me, I still have more National Championship Rings in my four years at Alabama than you have in your entire 100 plus year history of playing college football.

And I certainly wouldn’t want to point out that Florida, Auburn, Georgia, Tennessee and the Mighty LSU Tigers have more National College Football Championships than you have too.

I wouldn’t stoop so low as to talk about Kentucky’s Men’s Basketball National Championships or Florida’s Basketball Championships with you, since well, you aren’t very good in that sport either.

But perhaps you would feel more comfortable discussing Women’s Basketball National Championships with the Tennessee Lady Volunteers, since you have won “1” of those.

I know how much you all love College Baseball, so I wouldn’t ever discuss Baseball National Championships with you or compare the National Championships won by LSU and South Carolina to your, well, lack of any kind of Championships.

Maybe you would be more comfortable comparing your Track and Field Championships (or the lack there of) with the Tennessee Volunteers or the Arkansas Razorbacks?
I bet they could give you all some keen pointers.

I wouldn’t want to discuss Softball, Swimming or Diving Championships either; it would just be too embarrassing for you.

That would be wrong of me to say such hurtful things like that, so I simply won’t do it.

I’m so glad that I am a gentleman…

Because if I wasn’t a gentleman, I would have said that Coach Sara Patterson and the University of Alabama Women’s Gymnastics’ Team has won more National Championships than you have in all your universities sports combined over 100 plus years.

You have another comeback to beat that?

I’ll wait….

I’ll wait why you tell me how you “almost” beat Arkansas this year….
Maybe the third best team in the SEC West.

I am so glad that I am a gentleman

Welcome to the Southeastern Conference

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

This past week for me can best be summed up by those immortal words from…
“That Little Ol’ Band From Texas” ZZ Top when they said….

“Yes I’m bad, I’m nationwide….”

Your Favorite College Prognosticator was both “Bad” and “Nationwide” last week

But perhaps not for the reasons you might think…

I missed my “Upset Special” picking Marshall over Ohio
Which I “only” missed by 37 points, a new personal record for me by the way, and of course I missed a number of other important games last Saturday.

Then I hit yet another milestone….
It has been reported to me by the Staff at the CFB Wizard that I have now “officially” received hate mail from all 50 states as well as the territories of Guam and Puerto Rico…

In honor of this prestigious event I will share a few of my favorite hateful emails with you throughout the season; it will surely put a smile on your face.

In case you are interested I finished Week 3 at 52 and 11 or a rather disappointing 83% and for the season The CFB Wizard is 194 and 31 or 86%.

But enough about me, let’s get to this week’s picks

Enjoy….

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Hello again from the heart of SEC country!
Last week I happily reported that our hometown Telfair County Trojans came away with a victory. Unfortunately that didn’t carry over to this week as our heroes went down to defeat at the hands of Turner County 52-0. We put up a valiant effort but to no avail. Last week’s regional victory was our first in since the 2007 season, but this spirited group of young men will compete and continue to improve. Go Trojans.

In college football, our Georgia Bulldogs took on the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers up in Athens and came away a victor. During a press conference last week, Head Coach David Bennett professed that his team needed to play like a bunch of dogs rather than a bunch of prissy cats. Well, this game was anything BUT a dog fight as Mark Richt’s Bulldogs notched their first win of the season with a 59 – 0 beat down.
Meanwhile, up in Atlanta, the Georgia Institute of Technology notched another ‘W’ in their belt as they trounced Kansas 66 – 24 to avenge an embarrassing loss to the Jayhawks last year.

Hmmmm, Georgia 1-2 and Tech 3-0.
The Trade School needn’t get too excited and go buzzing about this quite yet.
It’s still awfully early in the season, and it seems that no matter how bad the Dawgs do, they always seem to have a little something for the Urban Bees come November.

Over in South Click, the Gamecocks rode Marcus Lattimore to a close victory over the Middies from Navy. This was such a close shave that Stephen Garcia won’t have to break out a Gillette for a couple of weeks. At 3 – 0 the Gamecocks should move up another notch in the standings but can they run the table? Trouble with Navy and a pesky group of Commodores on the horizon may prove to be their undoing. Clemson is proving that they may be the real deal with a convincing win over Auburn. The way the War Chickens were manhandled at Memorial Stadium you would have thought they were the ones that slammed into the Plexiglas last week instead of their wayward mascot.

I would be totally remiss if I didn’t say something about THE Ohio State Buckeyes.
After finishing their tour of cupcakes in Ohio, they finally came upon a little competition. Of course the aptly title Ineligible-Bowl proved to the Brown Nuts that they weren’t the 16th ranked powerhouse they and the national media thought they were.
It wasn’t even close.
The Coral Gable Con Crew quickly put Fickell in a pickle with a convincing 24 – 6 trouncing that netted the Big Bucks a whopping 35 yards through the air to complete the embarrassment.

Those Devils from Duke eked out a 1 point win over Boston College. BC had a chance to win it in the final minute but, alas, on the 25 yard field goal try the left goal post rejected the attempt like a Manute Bol reject of a Spud Webb jump shot.
Free Shoes U was again turned back by the Sooners. Guess Jimbo needs to keep recruiting and working his boys if he is ever going to get back to the upper echelons of the College Football world.
And lastly, Florida once again demonstrated their mastery over the Tenner-seeans courtesy of a big dose of Chris Rainey. Apparently the Volunteers are in a rebuilding phase of their program for ANOTHER year.
Derrick Dooley may need to go talk to his daddy to find out some of his secrets for turning a program around.

That’s it for this week folks!!! Make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
Remember, these are your future collegians of tomorrow!!

Until next time,

I’m Harley Hanesworth

THE BEST OF THE CFB WIZARD HATEFUL EMAILS

The Below Emails were sent October of 2008

Q: You are inorant as hell!
You writte like you know what you are talking about except your inorant!
For your inforinmation Coach Phil Fulmer is the Greateset damn football coach to have ever (misspelled expletive) walkied the damn sidelines! His records speak for themselfes and you (misspelled expletive) Alabama and (misspelled expletive) Gatar people is just jealous cause he is so good and it don’t matter if none of our players is from Tennesse or not, everybody want to come to be a Vol cause we is winners! Think on that you inorant (misspelled expletive)

Sam – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Dear Sam, the next time you decide to send an angry email I have two words for you.
“Spell Check”

Q: Dear Sir

Your continued diatribe concerning the “ongoing” NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans is nothing short of rebel rousing, which I have come to expect from redneck southerners such as yourself.
However wouldn’t you think if there was anything to the “so called” allegations that the NCAA would have acted upon them? Or is that concept to difficult for you to grasp?

I have covered the University of Southern California Trojans throughout the Pete Carroll era and I can assure you, Coach Pete Carroll runs the cleanest program in College Football and the oversight provided by Athletic Director Mike Garrett is without equal.

Perhaps you continue to spout these lies about Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California because the good ole southern teams can’t hang with the Trojans.

Whatever the delusional reasoning you subscribe to, please get your facts straight before you continue to attack such noteworthy programs such as the University of Southern California.

Sincerely –
The Sports Editor
The Orange County Register

A: How do you like me now?

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

ESPN: Great idea having the two dumbest announcers on ESPN together for one game!

Jesse Palmer and Craig “My son is a wussy” James together!

The only thing better than listening to them consistently mispronounce player’s names while they make lame observations and stupid jokes for the entire game….
Would have them doing a commercial together for “Hooked on Phonics”

DUKE: I guess hell has frozen over….
The Blue Devils won a football game

But I have to add….
Watching those two Duke students trying to tear down the goal post last Saturday was just sad.

TEXAS A&M: I really think we should hold hands for a while before we get married…

ARMY: Here we go again…..

I pick you to win and you lose…
I pick you to lose and you win…
If this is some Army psychological warfare stunt you are pulling to confuse me…

Its working

OHIO STATE: What the Hell Buckeyes, What the Hell….

NORTH ALABAMA: Great win last Saturday in Cowboys Stadium Lions…
The Florence Lions are for Real this year, Believe it

CLEMSON: I told you so Tiger Fans, Congratulations…

MARSHALL: The “Thundering Herd” is playing more like the “Thundering Turds”

TEXAS: I am so proud of the Mighty Longhorns….

And despite what the stupid referee’s and the weak knee commentators said last week

Mr. Goodwin that was one hell of a hit you put on the California Kid…

Click here to view the embedded video.

WESTERN KENTUCKY: You let a bunch of “Fighting Trees” whip your ass Saturday..
I don’t have anything else to say about that…

COLORADO: Congratulations on beating Colorado State last week….

But shouting “We are Number One!” at the end of the game after you have only won “one” game…
Kind of makes you look silly.
I’m just saying

SOUTH CAROLINA: You all got a little Cocky last week didn’t you?

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

It’s been a while since I talked to you folks….
So I want you have a seat while I drop some knowledge on yo ass.
Last week I was down here at my home in Opp Alabama fishing at my favorite stream listening to all them sports commentators on the radio talking about this realignment and that realignment on some “Super Conferences”.
Let me tell you what I think about all that mess and listen good…

I have lived long enough to learn that if something ain’t broke don’t be trying to fix it.
What do I mean?

There was a time that people of my color produced the best music in the world.
The Temptations
The O’Jays
Motown Records
Sam Cooke
Marvin Gaye

To name but a few…

That was some music there; Lord Yes that was some kind of music and it still is…

Now days they make something that sounds like a cat and a possum fighting in a metal garbage can and they call that music. That ain’t damn music, that ain’t nothing but a lot of damn noise.

What does that have to do with all this talk about “super conferences”, everything…

Because they is all trying to change something for the worse and all it’s going to make is a bunch of noise

You have these universities and colleges running around like elementary school kids playing musical chairs trying to find some kind of better deal and for what?

Because they is a chasing the almighty dollar, that’s why.

They don’t give a hoot about traditional games, rivalries or the alumni and fans.

But they forgot one thing…

Chasing after money won’t never make you happy, or make you a winner.

There wasn’t nothing wrong with the Big 8 and the Southwest Conference either and they broke that up and ran for something better and what did that get them?

So here we are…

Colorado left the Big 12 for the Pacific something or another, only to get their ass kicked by Hawaii. What do they think they is going to do, actually win that Pacific conference title?

I will see my Rottweiler “Daisy” sprout wings and fly before that happens.

Then I heard Pittsburgh, Syracuse and Connecticut is a going to join the Atlantic Coast Conference.
Why, for the money?

You all ain’t a going to win nothing unless Virginia Tech, Georgia Tech, Miami, Florida State, North Carolina and Clemson suddenly decide they don’t want to play football anymore, which ain’t likely to happen.

Then you got them Aggies from Texas A&M that don’t care if they ever play them Texas Longhorns anymore, fans and alumni be damned.

And now Nebraska ain’t never going to play Oklahoma no more.
What does that say about all them folks?

I tell you what it says…

Money is more important than tradition, integrity of the game and the fans of them schools.

And that folks is a crying shame.

THE GAMES

Thursday September 22nd

Murray State at Tennessee Martin
These two teams are right down the road from each other and like a lot of neighbors
They don’t get a long…
RACERS 24-21

Wisconsin Oshkosh at Wisconsin Stout
Oshkosh By Gosh I don’t know how stout the one team is from the Land of Cheese but I’m going with….
WISCONSIN BY GOSH 21-17

Ouachita Baptist at Texas A&M Commerce
Interesting Factoid in this game….
A&M doesn’t want to recognize the Big 12 Conference anymore…
And Baptist don’t recognize each other in Hooter’s or in the Liquor Store
BAPTIST REVIVAL 31-24

North Carolina State at Cincinnati
The Pack of Wolves invades Chili Town…
Gold Star or Skyline, it doesn’t matter; I’m a chili man..
CHILI KATS 28-24

Friday September 23rd

Central Florida at Brigham Young
The Boys from O-Town (Not the defunct Boy Band) come to the Land of Donny and Marie
I am feeling less country and a little more Rock and Roll today…
COUGARS 28-24

Saturday September 24th

Notre Dame at Pittsburgh
Its Rivalry Season in the North!
And you know what that means, another trophy for the winner of this northern matchup.
This Game is played for the Bejeweled Giraffe Turd….
Or at least that’s what it looks like to me.
FIGHTING IRISH 33-17

Central Michigan at Michigan State
The defending Big Ten or Twelve Champions let me down last week.
The mighty Spartans will bounce back at the expense of the Chippewa’s.
Believe it
MEN OF SPARTA 33-28

Toledo at Syracuse
I would watch this game but…
“Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo” will be on TBS at the same time.
It’s time to start Popping and Locking…
ORANGE 34-21

San Diego State at Michigan
The Ancient Aztecs will keep this game closer than you might think…
A Lot closer
WOLVERINES 33-31

Louisiana Monroe at Iowa
I won’t use any clever clichés to describe this game, I will keep it simple.
Monroe is going to get his ass kicked between his shoulder blades.
HAWKEYES 38-13

Newberry at Carson Newman
I prefer Mayberry over “new” Berry
For one simple reason..
I bet they don’t have an Ernest T. Bass in “new” Berry
Enough Said
SPARKS EAGLES 38-24

Eastern Michigan at Penn State
Joe Pa has got a “mean on” and you know what that means…
(No not that and you should be ashamed for thinking that’s what I meant)
It means….
Somebody is going to get a geriatric ass kicking
JOE PA’S LIONS 33-17

Southern Methodist at Memphis
My Proud Ponies invades the Land of Elvis and takes the Tigers to Heartbreak Hotel
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-17

Georgia at Ole Miss
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt….
This week I don’t
SIC EM DAWGS 28-17

Temple at Maryland
I would watch this gridiron matchup, really I would…
But there is a VH1 “Behind the Music” Special on Flock of Seagulls
Those guys had funny hair
FIGHTING (UGLY UNIFORMED) TURTLES 38-21

Bowling Green at Miami (OH)
This rivalry in the Buckeye State is played annually for the coveted…
“Petrified Otter Pelt of Love”
Maybe it’s just me…
But I wouldn’t want to touch that damn thing
FALCONS 33-31

Presbyterian at Furman
The Blue Ho’s take on Chewbacca University in this match-up
(I’m sorry that sounded nasty)
FURRYMAN 28-24

Duquesne at Marist
If you say these two schools out loud in quick succession, you will spit on yourself
Not that it matters
That Marist is a Fox
RED FOXES 24-21

Massachusetts at Boston College
I was going to watch this game but I plan on going to Funky Town
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 33-17

Portland State at Texas Christian
Welcome to Texas!
Now please step over there and get your Horned Frog ass whipping
HORNED FROGS 43-10

Defiance at Franklin
Why is this college so “defiant”?
Sounds like they have an anger management problem
FRANK’S FRANKS 24-17

Juniata at Franklin Marshall
O’ So NOW Franklin decides to use his last name!
Who does he think he is anyway?
And why does he have two colleges?
I hope Juanita kicks his smart ass…
J-LO 24-21

Army at Ball State
O.K. Army….
Here we go again…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 28-24

Ohio at Rutgers
I have gone against the Bobcats two of the last three weeks and lost each time…
I won’t make the same mistake this week
FRANK’S BOBCATS 33-31

Youngstown State at Indiana State
This game features Penguins and Fighting Trees…
Sounds like the Canadian version of the “Wizard of Oz”
FIGHTING TREES 33-17

Tennessee State at Air Force
Big John’s Tigers are going to be bombed in Colorado Springs
This game is going to be uglier than Wynona Judd in a polyester pant suit
MIGHTY FALCONS 43-10

Southern Miss at Virginia
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!
That’s right, I said it
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

Chattanooga at Appalachian State
The Mighty Moc’s are a decent football team, but the Mountaineers are just a little bit better
This one could go either way…
MOUNTAINEERS 24-21

Gustavus Adolphus at St Olaf
The most notable thing about this game, other than these are two northern colleges, is the nonsensical “fight” song of St. Olaf entitled “Um Ya Ya”

“Um Ya Ya”
We come from St. Olaf, we sure are the real stuff.
Our team is the cream of the colleges great.
We fight fast and furious, our team is injurious.
Tonight Carleton College will sure meet its fate.

Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya Ya

Don’t feel bad, I didn’t get it either….
FIGHTING OLE’S 21-17

Arkansas at Alabama
This game is going to be a slugfest between two outstanding teams.
Don’t leave your seat; this may come down to the last play of the game.
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

Western Michigan at Illinois
If the Pumpkins look past these Broncos they will get kicked in the teeth
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 33-28

UAB at East Carolina
It has been reported that the “Blazers” in an effort to secure sponsorship have agreed to a limited partnership with “The Men’s Warehouse”, which seems like a natural match.
Not that it’s all that important here…
PIRATES 34-10

Catawba at Tusculum
If you say both of these schools names quickly you will cough up something unpleasant.
I’m just saying…
HOCK A LOOGIE 23-17

South Dakota at Wisconsin
This game is going to be uglier than Wynonna Judd in string bikini
BEHOLD THE POWER OF PASTEURIZED CHEESE WHIZ 49-0

EDITORS NOTE: If it makes you feel any better that visual made me throw up too.

Tulane at Duke
I wish I cared I really do…
But these two schools combined couldn’t beat Hoover High School in Hoover Alabama
And that’s a fact
DEVILS are BLUE 23-17

Virginia Tech at Marshall
The Mighty Turkeys of Tech are going to tame the “not so Thundering” Herd
Believe it
HOKEY POKEY 38-10

Colorado at Ohio State
I never thought I would be saying this about the Buckeyes.
This is a MUST win for them, or this season is a wash
BUCKEYES 24-17

California at Washington
In an effort to motivate the California Bears Football team the coaches have instituted a “new” pregame tradition by having the players smell each other’s hands, which I think is beyond weird.
BIG DOGS 31-28

UCLA at Oregon State
The Bruins are Brewed out and that’s a fact
MIGHTY BEAVERS 28-17

Harding at North Alabama
The Florence Lions are Roaring and Harding still lives in his Mother’s basement
Enough Said..
MIGHTY LIONS 34-17

New Mexico State at San Jose State
If Lasso Larry lassos Jose is that considered to be a hate crime?
I’m just asking…
LASSO LARRY 31-21

Fresno State at Idaho
There is nothing like the Idaho half time show….
Who doesn’t want to see the “Ida Honkies” perform?
My point exactly…
BULLDOGS 24-17

Sam Houston State at New Mexico
Sam Houston is the Hero of San Jacinto and he was an underdog in that one too.
BIG SAM 28-24

Louisiana Lafayette at Florida International
U La La is going to be introduced to the “real” Hilton…
That kid is the real deal…
PANTHERS 31-17

Western Carolina at Georgia Southern
I still think “catamounts” sounds like something nasty is going on at the Taxidermist
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-17

Connecticut at Buffalo
I know exactly what you are thinking about this game…
And I agree completely.
I don’t care either
HUSKIE’S 21-17

Rice at Baylor
This old Southwest Conference Rivalry used to have some dandy games between them.
Remember the Southwest Conference?
Yeah, they broke up to form the Big 12
I still miss the SWC..
BEARS 33-17

Incarnate Word at West Texas A&M
Why do they think they are the only people with the “incarnate word”?
Who do they think they are Bobby Bowden?
Talk about arrogant….
WEST TEXAS BUFFALOS 24-10

Eureka College at Presentation
Eureka this one college sounds like it’s the school of PowerPoint Presentations!
EUREKA I FOUND IT! 23-17

North Dakota State at Minnesota
I have never seen a Gopher whip a Bison but I have seen a spider monkey ride a goat.
And before you ask….
“Yes” I am that easily entertained
O’ SO very GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-17

Florida Atlantic at Auburn
This game begs the question…
Which one of these drunken birds is going to hit the Plexiglas in the skyboxes first?
The Owl or the War Eagle?
WAR DAMN EAGLE 43-10

Louisiana Tech at Mississippi State
This is an excellent time to remind you all…
That you can never have enough Cowbell

Click here to view the embedded video.

BULLY DOGS 34-10

Vanderbilt at South Carolina
Both teams are Undefeated….
(Yes I said both teams are undefeated)
This one will be closer than you might imagine
GAMECOCKS 28-24

Florida at Kentucky
The Cats get skinned by the Gators and that’s no Joke
MIGHTY GATORS 38-17

Oklahoma State at Texas A&M
Now I know why A&M wants to leave the Big 12….
They don’t like the Prairie Wind touching them in the naughty place
COWBOY UP! 33-17

Nevada at Texas Tech
Woooo Hooooo! Coach Tommy Tub adds another win to his weak-ass non conference schedule!
That means you are one step closer to that all important Dulcolax Suppository Bowl Bid!
GET THOSE SUPPOSITORY’S UP RED RAIDERS!
RED RAIDERS 43-38

Indiana at North Texas
The Loosiers come to beautiful Denton Texas….
I wouldn’t call this an “Upset Special”
Because it won’t be
MEAN GREEN 24-17

UTEP at South Florida
To the best of my knowledge I haven’t seen any mines or miners in Tampa…
But I have seen some Yankees in Clearwater Beach that looked like Moby Dick.
The locals kept pushing them back in the water and telling them “Be Free! Be Free!”
And “Yes” I have pictures to prove it…
BULLS 33-10

Black Hills State at North Dakota
This one is for the NCAA Politically Correct Speech Police
FIGHTING SIOUX FIGHTING SIOUX FIGHTING SIOUX! 41-10

Montana State at Eastern Washington
The Eagles fell to the Grizzlies of Montana last week, that trend continues on Saturday
BOBCATS 31-10

Nebraska at Wyoming
The Cowboys surprised us all last week by actually winning a game
(I was certainly shocked)
But the Children of the Corn are coming to town this Saturday
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 234-0

Missouri at Oklahoma
This Old Big 8 rivalry is played for the Tiger-Sooner Peace Pipe….
Not to be confused with the Willie Nelson Hookah Pipe.
BOOMER SOONERS 34-17

Colorado State at Utah State
The Rams get Rammed by the Aggies
Believe it
AGGIES 28-24

Georgia State at Houston
Bill Curry get’s eaten by a Cougar in H-Town.
I don’t know about you, but I would pay good money to see that..
MIGHTY COUGARS 44-10

Tulsa at Boise State
The Golden Hurricanes can’t generate enough wind to classify as a decent fart
MIGHTY BRONCO’S 44-0

Montana at Sacramento State
Only one thing to say here….
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 38-17

Southern California at Arizona State
The Sun Devils are the favored team in this game and I was perplexed as to which team to pick.
So I asked my Black Lab “Doc” who he thought would win.
He looked at the computer screen for about a minute and then licked his butt….
That’s good enough for me
LAME KITTEN’S TROJANS 24-21

Oregon at Arizona
I had almost the same reaction as “Doc” when I saw these two teams…
So I will go with..
QUACKERS 28-17

Florida State at Clemson
This one will be close, real close…
It could go either way, so don’t leave your seats
SEMINOLES 33-28

North Carolina at Georgia Tech
The Rambling Wreck just keeps on Rambling
YELLOW JACKETS 33-24

Kansas State at Miami
Recent TSA regulations prevents the Wildcat faithful from bringing Bill Snyder’s petrified body on the team airplane as a “carry on” to meet the Hurricanes.
That being said, they have no motivation to win the game, sorry
HURRICANES 34-10

LSU at West Virginia
Only the Bayou Tigers can’t prevent Couch Fires this Saturday
Consider this to be my Public Service Announcement for the Week
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-10

Sunday September 25th

California Davis at Hawaii
For those of you wondering about this game in Hawaii
I have the answer you have been waiting for…
Dog the Bounty Hunter will return to the A&E Network this fall on Wednesday Nights

I enjoy ending the picks on a happy note

WARRIORS BOUNTY HUNTING ON RAINBOWS 43-17

Enjoy your games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

My friends and fellow college football enthusiasts….
I hope you all enjoyed the first segment of the Preseason College Football Extravaganza.

As promised I have the second of three installments of the Preseason Extravaganza Edition for your viewing pleasure and there should be something on the wire each day this week, right up until kickoff, to include your Week One Picks.

Buckle those chin strap tight, this season is going to be a slobber knocker.

Enjoy……

Before we discuss this seasons “Contenders and Pretenders”
Let’s catch up on College Football Team News from around the country.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS

OREGON STATE: Recently a 19 year old naked beaver was found trespassing in a neighborhood in Corvallis Oregon. The naked beaver then proceeded to line up in a three point stance and attack local law enforcement officials who had confronted the naked trespassing beaver.
The law enforcement personnel were forced to subdue the naked beaver utilizing a TASER.

I also understand that an Oregon State football player got in trouble around the same time

FLORIDA STATE: Seminole coaching legend Bobby Bowden said this week that “he thought he had a lifetime contract” to coach football at Florida State. Of course Coach Bobby also thinks Calvin Coolidge is still President of the United States too.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Recently the Trojans were forced to apologize to the respective universities of Florida, Alabama, Washington, Oregon and Fresno State for accusing them of breaking NCAA rules by contacting one or more of the Trojan players without Southern California’s permission.

EDITORS NOTE: What is really funny about this incident is this:
While then Trojan Athletic Director Mike “I don’t see nothing” Garrett was slinging mud at other college football programs, Coach Lane Kiffin was violating NFL protocol by trying to steal coaches from other NFL teams without consulting the coaching staff or the management of the teams.
Specifically the Tennessee Titans are suing Lane Kiffin for taking at least one coach from the team without consulting either the coach of the Titans or the management of the team.

Funny, don’t you think?

TENNESSEE: When Phil Fulmer was at the University of Tennessee his name and the term “discipline” went together like Chinese food and peanut butter.

Athletic Director Mike Hamilton promised things would be different…..

Coach Dooley promised to “set the bar high” when it came to personally responsibility for players and coaches alike.

The Headlines around the state read….

“Vols Coach Derek Dooley to set bar with discipline”

The Nashville Tennessean

“Darren Myles was drunk, combative and removed from club”

The Knoxville News Sentinel

“Tennessee’s Phil Fulmer and Derek Dooley enjoy good relations”

The Nashville Tennessean

“Tennessee Vols dismiss Darren Myles after bar fight”

The Nashville Tennessean

“More players could face charges after bar fight”

The Nashville Tennessean

“Tennessee Vols officials look into VIP status for players at bar”

The Nashville Tennessean

“Vols Athletic Director Mike Hamilton “hurt” over disciple issues at Tennessee”

The Knoxville News Sentinel

“Tennessee Vols Derek Dooley sees setback in quest to change culture”

The Nashville Tennessean

What was the end result?
Nothing…Nothing at all, everyone is back on the team…..
Like nothing ever happened. Just like the days of Fat Phil.

For all the rhetoric and promises and “new” era speeches by the athletic director and head coach it is still alright for players at the University of Tennessee to break curfew, get drunk in bars, fight patrons and assault police officers, without any repercussions.
And you wonder why they are still called U-Thug?

NEBRASKA: You joined the Big Ten or Eleven; because it can’t be the Big 12 you just ditched that conference, for what? What is going to happen to the traditional games with Oklahoma and Colorado? Is it about money? Is that all it takes to ditch tradition?

COLORADO: So the Buffalos decided to join the “Pacific Athletic Conference”, which is better known as the PAC 10 or eleven…whatever.
Here is a little hint for the folks from Boulder Colorado…..
Look out your window….
Do you see an “Ocean”? Are you near an “Ocean”?
Then why did you join the “Pacific” Athletic Conference?

MARSHALL: The Thundering Herd has the best Head Coach’s name in the country:
Coach Doc Holiday, now if they only had an Earp on the team….

NORTH CAROLINA: Due to the rash of recent suspensions for academic improprieties with “nanny” the tutor, the Tar Heels will only be able to field a limited number of players for the games this year.
By “limited” number I mean eight players. Two of which I understand are midgets.

GEORGIA: I have been gentle with my Bulldog Nation in the past and I love Coach Mark and his family.
But if you don’t get a grip on the discipline issues in Athens then the Bulldogs won’t be fielding as many players as the North Carolina Tar Heels this year.

TEXAS TECH: As many times as Tommy Tuberville has put his foot in his mouth you would think he would have gotten used to the taste by now.

EDITORS NOTE: For the Red Raider faithful I have one question…
Are you missing Coach Leach yet?

KANSAS: Everyone loves the college football media guides….

The media guides the universities produce each year for the football teams “normally” has the mascot, coach or key senior players on the cover of the guide.

Typically is has a motivating message on the cover…..
I think the Kansas Jayhawks are sending the “wrong” message with theirs…

NCAA: I will address the recent witch hunts conducted by the NCAA at another time…
But in the meantime I would like to raise an interesting question…
Why does the NCAA feel free to sell the images of college football athletes for millions of dollars to video game companies, without any compensation to the athletes?

They allow the official usage of the University logo’s as well, with no compensation to the universities. Millions of dollars….each year…..

How does this fit into the whole NCAA “amateurism” dogma?

How do they justify this?

It’s a good question, isn’t it?

OLE MISS: On the topic of the NCAA…..
Let me be sure I get this right…..
So, if a player decides he doesn’t want to play for his Division I university and he wants to transfer to “another” Division I school, he must set out a year. Now, if the individual in question decides he wants to transfer to a lower Division University or College then he can play immediately.

So the “former” Oregon quarterback, who was kicked off the team last year because he was a criminal, doesn’t have to set out a year and can play right away for Houston Nutt.

The NCAA said it was O.k. because they called it a “hardship” transfer.

Being a criminal is a “hardship”?

VIRGINIA TECH: I don’t know how the Hokies are going to perform without their Wang’s this year, but I have on good authority the defense will be as strong as ever.

EDITORS NOTE: I am talking about Ed Wang and his brother, so stop laughing.

TEXAS: No one is talking about the Mighty Longhorns this year…
Don’t worry they will be before October….

NOTRE DAME: Recently Coach Kelly of the “Fighting Irish” had a meeting with NBC officials televising the Irish games to ensure that commercial breaks will be held according to the “tempo” of the Notre Dame offense.

What?

A college football “Coach, is negotiating with a network “when” commercials will be shown, during a game?

If a “coach” in the Southeastern Conference would have done the same thing as Coach Kelly, the NCAA would have had every investigator on their rolls racing down South.

And you all know it too….

BOISE STATE: Listen closely Bronco Fans….
I know you beat the PAC 10 Champion Last year, because I accurately predicted it
(No need to thank me)
But if you want to be taken seriously as a college football power then you have to play some “real” powerhouses “during” the season.

By that I mean…..
The Ohio State Buckeyes….
The Oklahoma Sooners…
The University of Texas….

Nebraska…
Alabama…
LSU…
Florida…
Miami…
Auburn…

Take your pick and play them…
Then we will believe…

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: The Horned Frogs are better than they were last year….
And that is scary…

HOUSTON: If you have to play the Cougars this year….
You will have a problem. They are good, real good.

TEXAS A&M: You will always be my favorite Agro-Americans.

SOUTHERN MISS: The Golden Eagles are better than ever….
Will they win the Conference USA title?
You will have to wait for Part III of the Preseason Extravaganza to find out…

FLORIDA: I have heard a lot of Pro Football Hall of Fame acceptance speeches in my time….But I have never (ever) heard a player not mention the college he attended.

So what’s the problem with Emmitt Smith?

I doubt without the University of Florida he wouldn’t have had the career he had.
Yet he never mentioned the Gator Nation, his teammates or his coaches….

So what’s the problem with Emmitt Smith?

PREGAME SPEECHES

We all enjoy hearing the motivational pre-game speeches

This pre-game speech of yesterday has always been one of my favorites.

“Your fathers and your grandfathers are the ones who fought their fathers.
These men playing against you today are soldiers.
They are the Long Knives.
You are Indians.
Tonight, we will know if you are warriors.”

Glenn “Pop” Warner, Head Coach of the Carlisle Indians, pre-game pep talk to Jim Thorpe and the Carlisle team before the game with the Cadets of West Point.

If this doesn’t get you motivated, then nothing will.

CONTENDERS & PRETENDERS

CONTENDERS

TEXAS: The Mighty Longhorns have reloaded and will be in the hunt (again) for the National Title.
Remember you read it here first…

ALABAMA: If the defending National Champion Crimson Tide can replace the defense from a year ago, they will have a legitimate shot at the title again this year.
But that is a big if….

FLORIDA: Even without Tim Teabow the Mighty Gators are poised for another trip to Atlanta and the SEC Championship game. Plan your trip now….

IOWA: The Hawkeyes have a great defense and their game in the Big Horseshoe on November 19th will determine the Big Ten, Eleven or Twelve Champion.

ARKANSAS: That’s right I said it….
The Razorbacks have one of the most gifted quarterbacks in the country and with a little luck could easily find themselves in Atlanta at the end of the season….

VIRGINIA TECH: Lead by the sensational Ryan Williams the Hokies could run the tables in the Atlantic Coast Conference this year, providing of course they get by Boise State this week and the matchup with the Hurricanes of Miami in south Florida on November 20th.

CARSON NEWMAN: The Eagles are a perennial powerhouse in Division II and once again Coach Sparks has his boys ready to make a run at the title.

WASHINGTON: There isn’t a national sports media outlet in the country that is picking the Huskies to compete for the PAC 10 or 11 crown this year…
Except for Your favorite College Football Prognosticator…

See you at the Rose Bowl…

GEORGIA TECH: Coach Paul Johnson will have the rambling Wreck of Georgia Tech competing for the ACC Crown again this year, believe it…

NEBRASKA: One Second…..
That “one second” haunts the Cornhusker Nation from last year and it will motivate them back into the Big 12 Championship game this year, believe it.

AUBURN: The Tigers of Auburn are better than they were a year ago and will challenge for the SEC Crown this year, and that’s a fact.

NORTH ALABAMA: The Might Lions of Division II have returned to prominence despite being coached by Terry Bowden. They will be in the hunt for the Division II title and a rematch with the Coach Sparks Eagles from Carson Newman along the way…

THE OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes have a legitimate shot at the National Title this year, but…
They have a few hurdles along the way with the Hurricanes coming to town on September 11th and traveling to Wisconsin on October 16th and then the game for the conference title with Iowa on November 20th in the Big Horseshoe.

BOISE STATE: The Bronco’s will not be undefeated this year….
But due in large part to playing in a weak conference they will be in the mix at the end of the season for a shot at a BCS game.

BYU: The Cougars took down the mighty Oklahoma Sooners last year and then proceeded to blow it out their respective butts against the Seminoles, but the boys from Provo will be in contention for the conference crown, providing of course they get by the Horned Frogs of Texas Christian on October 16th.

PRETENDERS

WASHINGTON STATE: The Cougars couldn’t win a game if they were playing by themselves.

DUKE: When the student body cancels a Pep Rally for a football game “due to lack of attendance”, nothing more needs to be said.

THE IVY LEAGUE: Plain and simple, you all suck.

VIRGINIA: The once proud Cavaliers rival only Duke as the worse team in the ACC….

NOTRE DAME: Your haughty attitude and infatuation with Golden Gnomes is confusing to the rest of the college football world, particularly since you suck.

PITTSBURGH: I know I know….
The Panthers are picked by “everybody” to win the Big East title…
But that really doesn’t mean anything…

INDIANA: The Hoosiers are the Richard Simmons of the Big Ten.
They are kind of funny to watch for a few minutes but then it’s just said.

ILLINOIS: The Fighting Pumpkins rival only the Oregon Ducks for the title of “Ugliest Uniforms in College Football” but other than that there is little to brag about.

ARMY: The Black Knights of the Hudson will get their ass kicked again this year by Navy and Air Force….Believe it

NCAA: This institution “pretends” to be a volunteer organization that cares only about the student athletes and the integrity of the game, yet it takes billions of dollars a year from the universities and colleges it professes to protect, without just compensation to the universities themselves.
And of course….
If you don’t join this “volunteer” organization then you can’t participate in any collegiate athletic events and no other schools can play with you or they will be punished by the NCAA.

And some of you actually wonder why I call them Nazis?

BAYLOR: The Baylor School of Medicine is one of the finest orthopedic medical schools in the world, which is the polar opposite of the Baylor Bear football team.

DUKE: The Blue Devils are so bad I felt obligated to mention them twice…

MICHIGAN: Last year you won one game in the Big Ten, Eleven or Twelve or whatever it’s called now. It won’t get any better this year, so let me break the news to you now…
Make that three years in a row without the Wolverines going to a bowl game…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Gosh where to begin….
If vacating the wins and losing the Heisman Trophy and the National Title wasn’t bad enough, you went and hired Lane Kiffin. Talk about adding insult to injury.

PRESEASON QUESTIONS & ANSWERS PART II

Q: Hey Mister Wizard!!!!

Man, can you believe it’s almost football season AGAIN!!!???
I can’t hardly wait till next week to see my beloved team, the Georgia-by-God-Bulldogs put a whoopin’ on Loosianer Lafayette. Just in case you didn’t know that Loosiana team is called the ragin’ Cajuns. But they’re gonna end up with a ragin’ case of the red ass when our boys get through with ‘em.
Well, that’s if we can keep everbody outta jail and such. I’m startin to get worried about some of are boys cause I thank the po-lice is just lookin’ fer a reason to pull are boys over and arrest ‘em. I thank that the head of security up to Athens is probly a secret agent from that underhanded devil Irvin Myer or that evil Nick Satan.
Did you know that they even arrested are athletic head honcho and got him fired? Yessirreee bobtail that’s exactly what happened.
And to top it all off they got one of are star runnin backs for hittin a car in a parkin garage. We even had a fella that could make some fake ID’s and stuff.
You know, I wonder if that’s where that Mettenberger fella got his ID when he got in that trouble at that little honky tonk place down to Valdosta? Well, anyway, South Carlina and the ol bald coach better watch out too cause after we beat them Cajuns, them Cocks is next. I do have one question though. If we keep getting these boys arrested and such and they all go to the same jail, do you think the my hero, Mr Burt Reynolds, might come down here and make a movie like he was in? He could call it The Longest Yard II !!! It would be like one of them sequel things!!!
Well, you have yourself a good day Mr Wizard.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! DAAAAAAWWWWWWGGGGGSSSS!!!!
Lemuel in Ludowici

A: I’m not really sure what you said Lemuel, but welcome back….

Q: Dear sir, when mentioning “Fight Songs” in the first part of your College Football Extravaganza, but you failed to mention the GREAT traditional fight song from the University of Michigan “the Victors”.
Could you please reference “the Victors” in the next segment please?
Thanks!
Eddie – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Eddie, I hate to be the bearer of bad news….
But I have on good authority that the University of Michigan has renamed the song..
“the occasional Victors”, which just didn’t flow well with my subject matter, sorry.

Q: Hey Man! When are we going to hear from Ole Hootie Snitch?
I heard that boy went and got himself hitched!
GO VOLS!
Dale – Cookeville, Tennessee

A: In an effort to be fair and balanced in this column….
Hootie Snitch will have his own preseason prognostications out this week..
So stand by…

Q: Dear sir –
I took exception to your characterization that “all people up north” dress like Nanok of the North for football games. For your information we have four seasons in North Dakota and we don’t always dress in winter clothing.
Sincerely –
Rob – Bismarck, North Dakota

A: I would have expected a letter like this from somebody in Columbus Ohio…
But from someone in NORTH DAMN DAKOTA, are you kidding me?
You don’t have four seasons in North Dakota, you have TWO seasons.
Winter and Fourth of July….Enough said…

Q: I read your rants and you are nothing but a straight up racist!
Everything you write and the way you write it clearly identifies you as a racist!
Why don’t you just come out from behind your sheet and admit it?
Tawalla – Atlanta, Georgia

A: I used to enjoy being a distance racist but now I just stick to the hundred yard dash.
But thanks for asking.

EDITORS NOTE: I receive a variety of these accusations over the course of a season, for reasons that continue to baffle me, so let me share my philosophy with you on this subject.
The color of a person’s skin doesn’t make them a jackass; it’s acting like a jackass that makes them a jackass. Enough said…

Q: What’s with the NCAA discriminating against “larger” Coaches in College football?
First they made Phil Fulmer leave who was a GREAT customer of mine!
Then it was Kansas’s Mark Mangino who is also a great customer!
Now I hear rumors that the Maryland Terrapin Coach Ralph Friedgen is on the hot seat!
What gives Mister Wizard?
I smell a conspiracy and I also smell a Philly Cheese Steak, but that’s another story.
So what do you think?
Manny’s Really Big and Tall Shops – Newark, New Jersey

A: I don’t know if you are on to something or not Manny….
But I am proud to report the coaches you referenced ALL beat anorexia!

Q: Dear Sir I have a problem I hope you can help me with.
Whenever I urinate it burns like hell and I find myself not drinking any water or fluids to prevent me from going to the bathroom. This has me very dehydrated, but I don’t want to feel my crotch on fire either. Do you have any advice that could help me?
Thank you
Jim – Charlotte, North Carolina

A: Jim, you have gone to the wrong website, please go to my “other” website entitled “Turn your head and cough with Doctor Mike”.

Q: Mister Wizard I am appalled!
How dare you describe Wolverine Coach Rich Rod’s wife Rita as looking like a Ten Dollar hooker!
She DOES NOT look like a Ten Dollar hooker!
So Drop it!
Jane – Detroit, Michigan

A: When I am wrong I admit it….
With the recent down turn in the economy….
There is NO way that Rita Rod looks like a Ten dollar hooker.
She looks more like a five dollar hooker…

Thanks for correcting me Jane.

Q: Hey Mister Wizard!
I heard the University of Tennessee will introduce another version of a fight song this year!
Is that true? I can’t wait for football season to begin!
Thanks!
Timmy – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Thanks for writing Timmy…
I have on good authority that decision has not been made yet although discussions are still ongoing. The “new” version in question will replace “Rocky Top” with “Jailhouse Rock”.

Q: Mister Wizard I can’t believe you said the Notre Dame cheerleaders are ugly.
The picture of the Irish cheerleader in the Preseason Extravaganza wasn’t bad at all.
She may not have known where to place the “GO” sign, but she wasn’t bad looking.
Matt – Fort Wayne, Indiana

A: Are you kidding? The last time I saw a mouth like that it had a bit in it…

Q: Dear Wizard
When referencing mascots recently you failed to mention the GREAT college mascot “Ralphie” the buffalo from Colorado. Is there a reason for the oversight?
Thanks!
Chuck – Golden, Colorado

A: I am sorry Chuck that was not done on purpose.
The mere mention of a large raging buffalo reminded me of the mutant women described in the University of Tennessee song “Rocky Top” and I threw up a little bit..
Sorry for the oversight.

Your Conference Champions and Championships will be detailed tomorrow
on the last installment of your Preseason College Football Extravaganza.

Later Hootie Snitch will have his own perspective on the 2010 Season…

And Your Week One College Football Picks will be out later in the week too…

So Stay Tuned…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

I will be back soon, but until then….

When I grow up I want to be just like Colt McCoy…..

Enjoy this short video of Longhorn star receiver Jordan Shipley
and country music singer Aaron Watson singing at Colt’s recent wedding.

Congratulations Colt

Click here to view the embedded video.

RTR

The CFB Wizard

So here I am in Satan’s Butt Crack….
Watching the National Championship Game…

Yes “The” National Championship Game

Yelling loud enough that, according to NASA, lights dim as far away as San Antonio

Then it happened….
Alabama’s attempted fake punt on the first possession of the first quarter caused my spleen to jump out of my belly button…

If that wasn’t bad enough…..
I had no internet connection after the game…..

Maybe I was yelling too much?
Never mind that’s impossible…

But I am doing much better now, Thank you all for the cards and letters.

So let’s talk about the game…..

It’s still hard to believe….

The University of Alabama Crimson Tide
Are the 2009 undefeated National Champions of Collegiate Football

The “13th” Championship for the University of Alabama

14-0-0

The Tide’s first Heisman Trophy winner…..

The first time the University of Alabama ever defeated Texas….

It was a season to remember and one I doubt anyone will ever forget…
I certainly won’t

The Championship game itself…
As we all know…..

Could have gone either way…
What if?

Colt would have stayed in the game or been able to come back and play?

What if?
The Longhorns wouldn’t have turned the ball over (repeatedly) and Alabama scored before the first half ended?

But there was no quit in the Longhorns…
Texans are tougher than that…
They came storming back…

But they fell short…

The Texas Longhorns, coaches, players, alumni and fans are nothing but first class…
Always have been and always will be….

I don’t know if my buddy Lee is still on the couch in Texas….
but I understand his Longhorn bride is as sweet as she is beautiful, so I feel confident all is well by now.

As for me….

Click here to view the embedded video.

I am so very proud for my beloved University of Alabama…..
The Mighty Crimson Tide Coaches, players, fans and alumni…

I am so proud, I am speechless….

I am Truly in awe….

It’s been a long time my friends…

The National Championship is back Home…..

Sweet Home Alabama…….

ROLL TIDE ROLL

MEB

Post Game….

In a couple of days we will catch up on the latest and perhaps not so greatest news from around the college football world
(Cue the Carousel music) as well as answer some long awaited viewer emails.

And…..

Hootie Snitch the self proclaimed “Number One Vol Fan” on the planet
will weigh in with his unique perspective on the coaching situation in “Big Orange” country.

So stay tuned…

Despite the emotional roller coaster the majority of us experienced during Thanksgiving

And I am not referencing Aunt Edna’s bathroom “issues” either…
That’s a totally separate issue…

No I am talking about our beloved college football rivalries
And we aren’t finished yet….
This week we have the “Civil War”
And……..
The Conference Championship Games

But before we get to these and other games….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 31 and 14 or 69% during the rough and tumble rivalry week
and that leaves me at 564 and 161 for the season holding steady at 78%.

Not too bad considering it was “Rivalry Week”

Enjoy your games!

Thursday December 3rd

Oregon State at Oregon
This game is called the “Civil War” for a reason….
But make no mistake, there is nothing “Civil” about this rivalry…
I won’t belabor the point here, but last year the Quackers upset the Beavers..
This year the beavers return the “Favor”
MIGHTY BEAVERS 33-28

Friday December 4th

Ohio at Central Michigan
I know Coach Frank’s Bobcat’s have been tough as of late….
But there is something they way Coach Lou Holtz says “Chippewa’s that makes me believe
It might be the way he spits on Mark May when he says it, never mind..
I’m a believer
CHIPPEWA’S 34-28

Saturday December 5th

Cincinnati at Pittsburg
Who would have believed this headline back in August?
The BearKats go undefeated….
Believe it….
BEARKATS 31-17

West Virginia at Rutgers
The only way the Scarlett Knights will win this game is if my Italian American friends “get involved”
They told me that wouldn’t…
So, Light those couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-21

Fresno State at Illinois
I know it’s not October, so a Fighting Pumpkin reference seems out of place
Unless you like pumpkin pie, which I do…
So the reference is still good
ZOOK’S FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-17

New Mexico State at Boise State
Remember when I picked the Bronco’s to go undefeated at the beginning of the season?
Yeah, I was right (Please hold your applause until the end of the picks)
BRONCO’S 44-17

Arizona at Southern California
I heard a really good joke the other day, you want to hear it?
What’s the difference between Coach Pete and a whiny sniveling self absorbed jackass?
None….That’s funny as hell isn’t it?
WILDCATS 28-21

California at Washington
This game will be a lot like the Southeastern Conference Championship game.
Minus the fans, the marquee players, the shot at the National Championship and the television viewership, but other than that it’s exactly the same.
HUSKIES 28-24

South Florida at Connecticut
The boys from Tampa Town have been beaten up as of late
and this game will be no exception and that’s no bull
HUSKIES 28-17

Carson Newman at Grand Valley State
Coach Spark’s Eagles beat my Lions in Florence last Saturday.
Avenging their loss to them earlier in the year and advancing in the Division II playoffs
The best ground game in Division II college football rolls this Saturday
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-28

Wisconsin at Hawaii
I wonder if Dog the Bounty Hunter likes Cheese?
Behold the Power of Cheese….
BADGERS 34-21

Atlantic Coast Conference Championship
Clemson and Georgia Tech
Both teams lost their rivalry games with their instate Southeastern Conference opponents
But that doesn’t mean this game is any less important..
This is the second game of the season between these two teams…
The first game was a wild one…
This one won’t be any different
DABO’S TIGERS 33-28

Big 12 Championship
Nebraska and Texas
The Children of the Corn will keep this one close with the Black Shirts working overtime
But the Longhorns are headed to the National Championship game
Believe it…..
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-17

Southeastern Conference Championship
Alabama and Florida
A Clash for the ages….
My Friends there are no “losers” here
CRIMSON TIDE 24-20

There is more to come with Hootie Snitch and next weeks picks…
So Stay tuned…

Have Great weekend…

RTR
MEB

Way before criminal elements flashed hand signs to identify their affiliations….

The members of the Southwest Conference had established identifying hand signs for their respective teams and most if not all the fans of the universities have kept the tradition alive.

Clearly this practice of indentifying one another with hand signs is not unique to the members of the former Southwest Conference, but they did perfect the practice.

After all……
Who hasn’t seen the thumbs up “Gig Em Aggies!” sign..
Displayed on television by thousands of adoring Texas A&M fans at Kyle Field?

I know the fine people in Lubbock….
Still “Get their Guns Up!” for the Mighty Red Raiders of Texas Tech….

And everyone from Memphis to Moscow….
Knows the sign for the University of Texas…
“Hook Em’ Horns”…..

Young and old…..
It’s a way of identifying each other….

But there is a “right way” and a “wrong way”..
To perform this right of passage as a devoted fan…..

As you might imagine..
Different hand signs mean different things…

Case in point…

My buddy Matthew McConaughey of Austin Texas…
Demonstrates the correct form in flashing a proper “Hook Em’ Horns” sign….

While Ed “Apple Butter” Simpson of Texarkana, Arkansas….
Does not….
Not really quite sure what Ed is trying to do here…
It looks like he is describing seeing my sister-in-laws “calcium deposits”….

Conversely…..
The University of Oklahoma Sooners and the Texas A&M Aggies…
Will perform the “Down Horns” sign to signify their inherent dislike for the University of Texas…..

The young children who are raised to be fans of the respective schools learn what each hand sign means before they can even speak……

But as I mentioned earlier….
The old teams of the Southwest Conference didn’t invent the University sign, they just perfected it.

The Horned Frogs of Texas Christian University….
And the Baylor Bears and the Houston Cougars all had hand signs to represent their universities.

Certainly there are others of note around the college football world….

Who hasn’t seen the Gator Chomp….
or The Seminole Tomahawk Chop….

But let us not forget perhaps the most famous of all college football hand signs….

The University of Tennessee…
“Were Number 1” sign….

It is performed quite differently than what you might expect…
It requires “more elbow….”

More College Football Next week….
So stay tuned…
Only 55 days until kickoff…..

RTR
MEB