Welcome back my friends, I have missed you all.

Despite being in exile in a rather hostile and uncivilized land…
I would rather be caught in an “I (Heart) the NCAA” T-Shirt that ever disappoint my beloved fans.

EDITORS NOTE:
Before you ask, “No”, I am not trapped in OBKnoxville or Los Angeles.

Why do I endeavor such a herculean task under such austere conditions you may ask? Because I care, that’s why.

With that being said, Welcome to the 2010 College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza.

Enjoy……

Over the years I have introduced your Pre-Season College Football Extravaganza with a variety of openings…
such as the wildly popular “College Football Etiquette 101” and such thought provoking entries as “How to make College Football Better”.

This Season, for those of you who are new to the College Football Experience and for those fans that are veterans at college football preparation.
I have prepared a “How To” for College Football Fans to further enhance your College Football experience in 2010.

THE “HOW TO” OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL

DRESSING FOR THE GAME

The Right Way….
The area of the country your team is located will have a direct impact on how one will dress for the upcoming game.
Much of this is culturally driven, but certainly there are other factors such as climate, traditions and geographical location.
One has the option of wearing a variety of team gear, and if traveling as a family unit…
it is advised that all participants should be in your favorite game day wear, to include infants and or pets.

The Wrong Way…
I was going to use this opportunity to address appropriate game day clothing but as we all know nearly everyone north of the Ohio River dresses like Nanok of the North on college football game days and the boys aren’t distinguishable from the girls; which is sad and disgusting.

When it comes to painting ones face or body it is vitally import that your celebration of your team blends appropriately with your apparel.
It is also important, even as students, that you understand not only “how to spell” the name of your university or mascot, but that someone in the group is in charge to place people in the appropriate locations.
Below is an example of how “Not” to do it.

GETTING TO THE STADIUM

The Right Way….
Decorating your vehicle with window flags and car magnets of your favorite college football team will announce your loyalties to passer bys and identify you as a supporter of your college team once you arrive on campus.

The Wrong Way….
Rainbow colored flags and other “diversity memorabilia”, to include “Make Peace NOT War” bumper stickers on your vehicle will send the wrong message even if you are from Los Angeles. Additionally, as a safety tip: This type of arrival to a college football game could result in an ass kicking in the following areas: Nebraska, Texas (anywhere), Clemson or anywhere in the Southeastern Conference.

ARRIVING AT THE STADIUM (PARKING)

The Right Way….
Once you are on campus, it is acceptable and permissible to play your teams fight song as loud as you can stand it and or honk the horn at other fans of equal standing in their love and devotion of the institution for which you support.

The Wrong Way….
Playing Celine Dion and or the theme from Titanic however is unacceptable, even if you are a “cultured” Southern California fan.
If you fall into this category please refer to “Safety Tip on Getting to the Stadium”

ON CAMPUS EXPERIENCE

The Right Way….
Vendors of all sorts should be available selling t-shirts to top hats of the home team’s logo and school colors.
A variety of food and drink should be available along with musical entertainment provided by the college marching band and
the appearance of the team’s cheerleaders, when applicable, always gets the crowd motivated.
Also, this is an excellent time to catch with old friends and acquaintances and discuss the upcoming game and a good time should be had by all.

Case in Point
The University of Texas

The Wrong Way….
If your college campus on game day resembles a party at Elton John’s house you may want to consider switching your affiliations.

Case in Point….
The University of Southern California Trojans

TAILGATING

The Right Way….
Tailgating is an art form that may take years to perfect.
Case in point, it is not uncommon for LSU Tiger Fans to begin tailgating the Monday or Tuesday before the game on Saturday night.
Tents and flags and grills of all shapes and sizes abound, with smoke bellowing for miles with the smell of the contents of the smoking beasts enough to make a vegetarian change their minds.
There is never a shortage of fine food and drink for Tiger fans or fans of opposing teams that happen to pass by.
One will frequently hear “Hey Fightn’ Tigers” and other LSU Favorites from loud speakers. Beer, wine and Bourbon are severed abundantly.

Another way to tailgate you might want to consider is when there is a navigable body of water close by your team’s stadium.
As an example; The Tennessee Volunteer fans boast of the “Vol Navy” with the Tennessee River flowing by Neyland Stadium.
This consist of a large number of intoxicated Tennessee fans in a variety of cut off jeans, overalls and other assorted Tennessee specific game day wear….
riding in Inner tubes and old bathtubs floating in a procession down the Tennessee river to “dock” near the stadium.

The Wrong Way…
Anything requiring the use of a microwave, other than popcorn or Velveeta is simply unacceptable.
Also, it’s important to understand the philosophy behind tailgating in general.
That being said an animal of some type needs to be sacrificed to provide an acceptable tailgating experience.
Be it beef, fowl, pork or reptile or any combination thereof must be cooked.
Not only is this ancient art of cooking meat outdoors delectable, but this also prevents our hallowed traditions from being trampled on by vegans, vegetarians and Muslims.

COLLEGE MARCHING BANDS

The Right Way….
Few College Marching Bands are as proud as TBDBITL….
That acronym stands for The Ohio State University’s Marching Band
“The Best Damn Band in the Land”
They certainly live up to the hype and you would be hard pressed to find a better college marching band anywhere in the country.

Certainly there are other great college marching bands, too many to mention in this short space.
But it is important to remember the premier college marching bands are precise in their movements, sound magnificent, have the ability to play a variety of classics and modern favorites and wear traditional uniforms with their school colors.

It is also worth mentioning the members of the college marching bands spend more time practicing for a performance that the actual athletic teams do on a normal basis.
So it is important to honor those young people and cheer for them as well.

The Wrong Way….
If your college marching band resembles the Salvation Army Homeless Band like Stanford’s or have uniforms that looked they were designed by a group of Meth Heads such as the Oregon Duck band, then perhaps you should skip the opening ceremonies as well as the half time festivities.

FLAG GIRLS & MAJORETTES

The Right Way….
Let me explain this in a way I hope you will all understand.
Simply Put: If you are a male living in the United States of America and you are between the ages of six and ninety years of age and you don’t find the Golden Girls from LSU or the University of Alabama Crimonettes attractive then you are gay.
Mystery solved no need to thank me.

The Wrong Way….
If your Flag Girls and or Majorettes are larger than the offensive or defensive lineman on your football team, then you have the wrong people in the wrong positions.

Noted Examples to the above:
Maine Bears, Michigan Wolverines, Notre Dame and the entire Ivy League

CHEERLEADERS

The Right Way….
They should be enthusiastic, attractive and have traditional uniforms and most importantly know and understand the cheers by heart.

Example: Alabama, Clemson, Florida, LSU, Texas, Penn State, Washington, Texas A&M

The Wrong Way….
This illustrated example is the opposite of the above description in regards to understanding “How to Cheer”

COLLEGE FOOTBALL COMMENTATORS

The Right Way….
Two Words: Keith Jackson
He is the voice of college football, always has been always will be.
He was never intrusive, always insightful and called it like he saw it without guile, prejudice or criticism.
There has never been anyone better – period.

Lee Corso: God Bless you coach, Saturday’s wouldn’t be the same without you.

Lou Holtz: Despite your constant spitting on Mark May every time you speak in the ESPN studio
(which I personally derive a great deal of enjoyment from)
I admire your insight and humor and telling it like it is attitude.

The Wrong Way….
Where to begin…..

Pam Ward with ESPN: Her voice is used to elicit confessions at Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay and has been called “cruel and unusual punishment” by Amnesty International.

Spencer Tillman: I loved him when he played at Oklahoma, but currently he wears more makeup than Little Richard.

John Saunders: His prejudice against all things Southern is only outweighed by his lack of knowledge of college football.
And that’s saying something….

Vern Lundquist and Gary Danielson: The syphilitic troll and his one-sided master of the obvious sidekick would make a deaf man’s ears bleed.

Brent Musburger: I will let Brent speak for himself in this section.
Here is quote from Brent on an Alabama Crimson Tide game during the 2007 season.

“The folks in Alabama are paying Nick Saban a lot of money folks; it doesn’t look like they are getting their money’s worth, does it.”

EDITORS NOTE: Two undefeated regular seasons, a Heisman Trophy winner and a National Championship later
I think it’s apparent that Brent is a complete Dumbass.

Archie Manning: He cannot string two sentences together without referencing his two children playing in the NFL.
WE GET IT JACKASS!
YOUR KIDS PLAY IN THE N-F-L! NOW SHUT THE HELL UP!

ESPN’s Mark May: His cousin must own stock in ESPN, because this gibbering idiot couldn’t get a job anywhere else.

Bob Griese: Do you know how you can tell when Bob is going to say something stupid?
His lips are moving.

ESPN’s Desmond Howard: If he was actually able to but a simple sentence together during a telecast I would be amazed.
This may explain how he graduated from the University of Michigan with a degree in “Public Speaking”.

ESPN’s Wendi Nix: She is dumber than a sack of horse turds and wears more makeup than Tammy Faye Baker.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL REFEREES

The Right Way….
It is important for college football referees and replay officials to be fair and honest in their appraisals of each play.
This comes through constant training and education as well as review of each game by conference officials.
The conferences will constantly grade and evaluate the professionalism and effectiveness of the individuals in this field and suspend or relieve those referees that are ineffective or incompetent, because accountability is the key to the integrity of the game.
The conferences will also ensure the individuals responsible for the conduct of the games are properly vetted through a process similar to background checks for security clearances.
This is important to ensure, unlike the NBA, that referees are above reproach and not susceptible to bribes or other enticements to sway their opinions during the course of a game.

The Wrong Way….
Currently the above is not being done in any conference in the country and despite the never ending NCAA witch hunts from textbooks to college parties;
they aren’t interested in ensuring accountability from the referees either.
Hence the problem….

TRADITIONAL PRE-GAME KICK OFF CHANTS

The Right Way…
Prior to kickoff the home crowd, as well as visitors will stand on their feet and as the ball is struck by the kicker to send the ball down the field the following is either performed or yelled by the home crowd.

Marshall: Thirty Thousand Thundering Herd fans will shout in unison “We Are Marshall!” as the ball is kicked down the field.

Florida: Ninety Thousand Gator fans will perform the famous “Gator Chomp” as kickoff ensues.

Arkansas: Eighty Thousand Razorback Fans adorned in “Hog Wear”
will shout before kickoff “Whoooooooo…” and then as the ball is struck they will yell “Pigs!”
and then quickly there after as the ball is sailing down the field “Sooieeeeeee”.

The Wrong Way…

Duke: Nearly half a dozen Blue Devil fans will shout “O Hell here we go again!” as the ball is kicked down the field.

Washington State: Prior to kickoff, almost two dozen fans of the Mighty Cougars will cover their heads with paper bags and wish silently that they were Washington Huskies Fans.

Indiana: At the opening kickoff nearly a hundred Hoosier fans will shout “What the Hell is a Hoosier?”

FIGHT SONGS

The Right Way….
There are too many outstanding college fight songs to mention here.
The great traditional fight songs we know by heart and they stir the emotions of the crowd and raise Goosebumps and bring a tear to the eye of many alumni and fan.

The Eyes of Texas..

Yea Alabama….

Hey Fightn’ Tigers….

The Aggie War Hymn…

The Wrong Way….
Simply put, if the fight song in question is either to confusing or doesn’t have any references to victory or storming down the field or in some cases is rather depressing or encourages dangerous behavior, then it is less than effective in encouraging the fans.

Case in point…..
The University of Tennessee marching band used to play “Down the Field” which has references to loyalty to the football team, cheering and fighting for the Volunteers of Tennessee.

Then for reasons I cannot comprehend, the University of Tennessee began playing “Rocky Top” like a broken Jukebox with one record. The song has nothing to do with football or the University of Tennessee but does talk about such intriguing topics as:

“Ain’t no smoggy smoke on Rocky Top, Ain’t no telephone bills, Once I had a girl on Rocky Top, half bear, the other half cat, wild as a mink, but sweet as soda pop. I still dream about that”

EDITORS NOTE: If you get excited about a “fight song” that brags about the fact you don’t have electricity or telephones
and the best looking women in your area are mutants, then perhaps you need another “fight song”.

Another noted example in this section comes from Texas A& I and their fight song “Jalisco”. For your reading pleasure is the first stanza:

“Ay, Jalisco, Jalisco
Jalisco tu tienes
Tu novia
Que es Guadalajara
Muchacha bonita
La peria mas rara
De todo Jalisco
Es mi Guadalajara”

EDITORS NOTE: If your fight song isn’t in English, then you shouldn’t be allowed to play football. Enough said….

MASCOTS

The Right Way….
There are a number of Great College Mascots…
You know who there are…..
Their very presence sends the crowd into frenzy.
College football fans will line up for hours to have a picture taken with their mascot.
There is…..

UGA the English Bulldog from the University of Georgia

BEVO the Texas Longhorn from the University of Texas

Mike the Tiger from Louisiana State University

The Wrong Way…
There are too many to mention here…
But suffice to say if the mascot in question doesn’t represent the university nickname then often times it is confusing to the fans
and thus becomes more of a distraction than a motivational tool.

Noted examples to this section…

Indiana University: Since know one knows what the hell a Hoosier actually is this becomes a constant point of friction with fans asking themselves “What are we?”

University of Oregon: The Ducks used to have a mascot that resembled Disney’s Donald Duck dressed in the green and white of Oregon and he was quite the fan favorite.

Since the university administration sold their soul’s to NIKE for sponsorships they have opted to allow NIKE to design their mascot uniform which changes from year to year, much like their university football teams uniforms.

Currently the Oregon Duck mascot looks like the offspring of a gay Mister Peanut and a Raptor than a Duck.

Congratulations…

Purdue University: Despite the fact Purdue Pete scares small children and frightens the elderly with his large and cumbersome bulbous head and has a face that looks like the lead character in “Mask”, it is nice to know that he has returned to the dating scene.

WHEN VIEWING THE GAME AT HOME

The Right Way….
You are encouraged to decorate your house (inside as well as outside)
with various adornments to include university flags etc.
One should be wearing university colors and logos, this goes for significant others in the household and children as well.

The following is also encouraged on game day at your home or residence:

It’s important to establish “healthy boundaries” for you and your guests on College Football Game Days.
This will further enhance the experience for you as well as your guests and provide a warm and comfortable environment to enjoy the festivities.
Opposing fans visiting your household should be treated as honored guests and be allowed to partake of food and drink at their hearts desire, until such time as they begin trash talking about the level of competency of your team and then it’s permissible to tell them to “Grab their #hit and get the hell out of your house” even if it is your local pastor.

If you’re next door neighbor, with whom you have a wonderful relationship with, is a fan or supporter of your arch rival.
Then it is permissible on college football game day to give any member of that particular family the preverbal middle finger while exchanging pleasantries when retrieving the morning paper.

The verbal exchange may go something like this:

Tim: Nice day isn’t it Joe?

Joe: Up yours Timmy! I hope your family contracts cholera!

EDITORS NOTE:
This exchange is permissible on College Football Game day as long as he is a fan of your arch rival, even if the neighbor in question is your local pastor.

It is also permissible to scream at the television set knowing full well that no one on the other end can hear you or grasp your jesters.
Please inform your guests that you are aware of this fact and please remind them if they mention this fact more than once in an effort to elicit humor, then you are obligated to tell them to “Grab their #hit and get the hell out of your house” even if it is your local pastor.

The only person allowed to touch or operate the remote control is the one or possibly two adult collegiate football fans living in the household.
Permission may be grated on a game by game basis to adult friends, neighbors, family members etc. but only with permission.
If your dear friend’s wife who couldn’t spell football if you spotted her the “O’s” and the “L”’s” attempts to commandeer the remote control because she is either bored or “wants to see what’s on CNN”, it is permissible, without consulting her significant other, to break her arm, especially if it’s fourth and goal from the one yard line.

Additionally, the household should resemble a tailgate party on steroids
(Please see Tailgating section above for further amplification)

EDITORS NOTES:
It is important to note if you live or plan to move to Morgantown West Virginia that following a “Win” by the Mighty Mountaineers of West Virginia it is excepted that you and your family will take a piece of furniture from your house, preferably a couch and light it on fire in the front yard.

It is my understanding that if you and your family choose “not” to take part in this Mountaineer ritual in Morgantown the West Virginia faithful will perform the ritual for you using whatever possessions of yours they deem appropriate.

The Wrong Way…
Having a variety of games for children on college game day at one’s house is encouraged; it prevents them from distracting you and your guests from the college football game.
However, providing alcohol to children is forbidden and illegal unless you live in the following states or territories:
West Virginia – Minnesota – South Dakota – Pennsylvania – Arkansas – Oklahoma – Tennessee and Puerto Rico

Additionally, not having snacks while preparing your tailgating experience and during the game itself will identify you as an amateur college football fan.
Do not let your personal income be a deterrent to a positive college football game day experience.
If one can only afford a bag of Cheeto’s and a twelve pack of beer, then that should be shared and no one will think any worse of you.
In fact, I have on good authority that is considered “Thanksgiving” for most Illinois Fighting Pumpkins and Indiana Hoosier fans.

I hope this will enhance your College Football experience in 2010

PRE-SEASON PROGNOSTICATIONS & OBSERVATIONS

This season the Michigan Wolverines will fail to qualify for a bowl game (again)

But the Michigan State Spartans will…..

In November of this year the National Geographic Society…..
Will discover that Wynonna Judd is actually a Triceratops.

Good News Fighting Irish Fans! You will qualify for a Bowl game this year….
The Boudreaux Butt Paste Bowl in Tupelo Mississippi (It’s very prestigious)

There will not be an undefeated Southeastern Conference Champion this year…

The University of Southern California Trojans will not be going to a bowl game this year, no wait.
They can’t go any way, right? Never mind.

Brent Musburger and Vern Lundquist will vie for the coveted title of “Biggest Dumbass in American Sports Casting.”
Currently they are neck and neck in the contest;…
No wait, I just remembered Vern doesn’t have a neck.
So another unit of measure will need to be determined.
More on this later.

A referee and his crew will blow a call and a possession in the same game.

EDITORS NOTE: I have two words for you – PENN WAGERS.

This season LSU Tiger Coach Les Miles will say something positively ridiculous and then promptly defend it.

EDITORS NOTE: If you count what Les Miles said at the Southeastern Conference Media Days last month, then my prediction has already come to pass.

“I think anybody that enjoys competition enjoys playing best teams. In the Western Division, we have it.”

Les Miles – SEC Media Days July 23rd 2010

Arkansas Coach Houston Nutt will deny any wrong doing of any kind in anything related to anything he has ever been associated with or thought he was associated with.

Sometime this year the Evergreen State Geoduck mascot will make someone throw up when they see it for the first time.

The Tebow-less Florida Gators will be a lot stronger than you might think

The Texas Longhorns (See Above and substitute Tebow-less with McCoy-less)

The Miami Hurricanes will have the opportunity to prove if they are for real when they visit the Big Horseshoe and the Mighty Ohio State Buckeyes on September 11th

The Boise State Bronco’s will not finish the 2010 college football season undefeated.

But the Horned Frogs of Texas Christian might….
If they get by the Beavers of Oregon State on September 4th.

My Mighty Southern Methodist University Mustangs will return to a Bowl game again this year. Believe it.

Early in the season Coach Rich Rod of Michigan will attempt to divert the hostile Ann Arbor sports media by deferring questions to a Sock Monkey during post game news conferences.

EDITORS NOTE: I have on good authority the Sock Money even wears a ball with a big “M” on it, which is nice.

Speaking of the “First Family of Wolverine Football”…..
Coach Rich Rod’s wife, Rita will have an exhibit named after her in the Natural Science Museum and Exhibit Hall in Ann Arbor this year.
It is my understanding they have named a new species of dinosaur after her and the artist rendition of the creature will be on display through the coming football season.
It’s called a “Skank-a- Saurus”

EDITORS NOTE: Who knew dinosaurs had bleach blond hair, wore nine inch clear plastic stripper shoes and had their makeup done at Earl Shive?
Isn’t science fascinating?

The Duke Blue Devils will still have more students watching basketball practice than attend home football games, which is sad.

“Coach” Bill Curry will habitually read “The Little Engine That Could” to his Georgia State Panther players each night…
until his ass whipping of biblical proportions at the hands of the Alabama Crimson Tide on Thursday November 18th.
Then he will resign as head coach, return to ESPN as a commentator and bitch and whine about the University of Alabama for another ten years.

Sometime in late November some damn school that plays in the Earl Hoffenheimer Conference will have an undefeated season and lay claim to a shot at the National Championship because they defeated Chow Lings Nail and Beauty Salon Academy by three points.

The American Medical Association will determine that ESPN Commentator Pam Ward’s voice will be the leading cause of suicide between the months of September and December.

Webster’s Dictionary will add an additional example to the definition of “irony” in 2010.
The example will read in part: “Irony” is Lane Kiffin accusing other universities of cheating while having the NCAA investigating his conduct and actions at the university he left after one year and takes a position at a university on probation for violating NCAA rules.

ESPN studio commentator and former coach Lou Holtz will continue to sound like Sylvester the Cat and Mark May will continue to make sounds like a mule caught in a thicket when describing his undying love of the University of Southern California.

Before December of this year, “coach” Bobby Bowden will be found wandering across the Seminole practice field wearing only his FSU Vietcong hat in search of Chief Osceola, whom he went to school with in 1824.

Penn State Coach Joe Paterno will harness the power of the sun utilizing his reading glasses, thus ending the energy crisis and creating in the process 200, 000 new green energy jobs.

Former Tennessee Volunteer coach Phil Fulmer will attempt to introduce the “Bear Claw Consumption Competition” into the 2010 London Olympic Games, sponsored by Krispy Kreme. Sadly he will be denied the opportunity to “Bring home the Gold” and in a caloric rage eat the reining men’s hot dog eating champion.

QUOTES FROM YESTERDAY

FAMOUS COACH’S QUOTE“With the little bits of information that I have, no, I’m not worried about that one bit. I’m more concerned about helping the process and cooperating to make sure that everything comes to the front. I’m confident that’s not where this is going.” …

In an interview on May 2, 2006 with USA Today and the Associated Press, Coach Pete Carroll of U$C talks about the possibility of U$C forfeiting games or being hit with NCAA sanctions.

EDITORS NOTE: Looking back on it that seems kind of funny, doesn’t it?

SEVEN QUESTIONS WITH….

Before our beloved college football season begins we will interview the “former” athletic director Damon Evans of the University of Georgia in our “Seven Questions Segment” to give him a platform to explain his actions and subsequent dismissal from the University of Georgia.

Q: Mr. Evans what have you been doing since you stepped down as the athletic director of the University of Georgia?

A: I prefer to be called “Pimp Daddy D” or just “D Yo”

Q: What? Ah O.K.
Anyway, how would you describe your tenure as Georgia’s Athletic Director and what transpired, in your own words, that caused you to leave such a top tier athletic program.

A: Pimpn’ ain’t easy

Q: That doesn’t make any sense. O.k. never mind, let me rephrase the question.
There are a number of reports that portrays you in a rather unflattering light. They describe a number of embarrassing circumstances and even more embarrassing personal conduct by you.
Would you care to elaborate on this matter?

A: Knick Knack Paddy Wack give a Dawg a bone!

Q: What the hell does that even mean?

A: Word to your mother

Q: Ok. Let’s stay focused shall we?
This is your opportunity to explain what you were doing and the circumstances surrounding the incident that resulted in your dismissal as the Athletic Director of the University of Georgia.
Specifically; let’s talk about when you were pulled over by the police in the company of an underage intoxicated woman, wearing a pair of woman’s underwear on your head while presumably intoxicated yourself. To say nothing of the reported crying jag to the police officers all the while screaming “Do you know who I am?”

A: I was just Keep’n it Real G

Q: Is that the theme from Shaft playing in the background and are those “crunk teeth” in your mouth?

A: Word up

Q: Mr. Evans, I have one last question: are you retarded?

A: Foshizzeel my mizzel.

EDITORS NOTE: Maybe Damon Evans should have taken his own advice here…

Click here to view the embedded video.

PRESEASON QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
I don’t know if you are “really back” yet or not, but I need your advice desperately.
I have a terrible secret I have been withholding from my family.
I grew up in a loving family outside of London, Ohio and somehow I lost my way.
I moved to California and there I fell into intravenous drug use and became a gay prostitute and changed my name to Dirk Hershey.
I have appeared in some horrible, vile and disgusting movies under that name.
I have stolen money from “customers”, passed out in alleys after week long drug beiges and been involved in sexual acts that would make the strongest person retch.
But my question is this:
How do I tell my family I have become a Michigan Wolverine fan?
Danny aka “Dirk” – San Francisco, California

A: If I were you Danny, I would keep that piece of bad news to myself.

Q: Hello Wizard Man!
You filthy infidel! We know who you are!
We declare Jihad on you Mister Wizard!
Jihad! Jihad! Jihad!
You die soon by our Jihad!
Mohammad Ali Abdul – Los Angeles, California

A: Jihad Me at Hello disgruntled Trojan fan.

Q: Dear Sir –
As mayor of beautiful Baneberry Tennessee, I would like to cordially invite you as our “Guest of Honor” for our annual Founder’s Day celebration on September 18th.
As you may know our town was founded by two brothers Bubba and Doodie Baneberry in 1836 when they were separated from Davey Crockett’s Tennesseans heading to the Alamo and instead choose to get drunk on apple cider that had “turned” hard and shortly thereafter passed out near the river and missed the entire historical moment in San Antonio.
The founding fathers thought “Baneberry” sounded better than naming the town Bubba, or God forbid “Doodie”, hence the town of Baneberry was born.
None the less, after careful consideration the city council and I have voted to invite you, despite you being an Alabama Fan, to our Founder’s Day celebration for all your hard work to promote our beautiful city.
Also, we didn’t want to invite Hootie Snitch for fear he would show up all liquored up and insist on wearing chaps and a cowboy hat (again) on the Founders Day float so it was addition by subtraction, if you know what we mean.
Sincerely
Mayor Mike Summers
521 Harrison Ferry Road
Baneberry, TN 37890

A: I am temporarily indisposed with another engagement at the time or I would be all over it.

Q: Mister CFB Wizard I have a question for you.
As a lifelong Michigan Wolverine I don’t need to tell you the last few years have been very painful.
With that being said, what will it take for the Wolverines to go Bowling this year?
Thanks!
Steve – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Steve, I guarantee you the Wolverines will go Bowling this year!
But they need to make reservations early at the Bel-Mark Lanes in Ann Arbor or they may not get a lane.
I hear the month of December is reserved for leagues.
So, you will need to make reservations sorry.

Q: Hey There!
Mr. Wizard you remind me of that fellow Genius Kahn who invented Mongolian Barbeque.
He sure was smart!
I believe he was a military man too, but anyway I got me a question.
What are the chances of Auburn winning the damn National Championship this year?
Billy – Opelika, Alabama

A: Well Billy thank you for the compliment, I think.
But to answer your question I would say the Tigers have the same odds of winning the championship as Michigan does of going to a Bowl game.

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard –
I was wondering if you would help promote my latest venture;
My Tribute to William Shatner by singing some of his lesser known songs as well as singing the theme from T. J. Hooker while dressed as TJ Hooker!
Does that not sound fabulous?
So what do you think?
Thanks!
Jack McCracken – Cincinnati, Ohio

A: I think you need to be medicated Jack, a lot.

Q: Dear Sir –
As Chief of the Wall-a-ka Indian Nation and Casinos I am extremely disappointed in your support of collegiate “Indian” mascots. The usage of the term “Indian” alone is hurtful and insensitive, not to mention the other more harmful terms associated with Native Americans, such as “tribe” or “moccasins”. These names conjure up images of savages and worse, of a culture that is illiterate, ignorant, superstitious and lacking any social structure.
Perhaps if you were to spend some time learning our rich and unique culture you would have a better understanding of our sensitivity on this volatile issue.
Please take the time to visit us in the next few months we are located right off of Interstate 29 near Watertown North Dakota. Look for the “Big Wampum Casino” sign and don’t forget our duty free shops and the “Scalp Em Water Park” conveniently located next to the casino.
“Chu-na-La-Nu-say”
Chief Charlie Waka-Saw IV

A: If my Native American language skills are correct, I believe the above quote translated means: “A pony urinated on my new moccasins.”
But that aside; Sir, if you are indeed “SAW IV”, then I would like my money back please.

Q: All Alabama Fans Suck! They were not the best team last year and you know it!
As far as the National Chump-in-ships they all claim, that is bogus too!
Face it, they live in a dirt poor state with a bunch of inbred idiots who have nothing better to do than follow a second rate school and third tier football program.
Anonymous – Boise, Idaho

A: I’m sorry the glare from the 2009 National Championship trophy was reflecting off of Mark Ingram’s Heisman Trophy and it was preventing me from reading your question.
What were you trying to say again?

Q: We is still mad as hell at that damn Lame Kitten for leaving us Tennessee Volunteers!
Now he done and got the NCAA crawling around a looking at us!
We gave him everything he ever wanted!
Why the hell would anybody ever want to leave Rocky Top?
I ask you!
Thelma and Joe – Dyllis, Tennessee

A: It might be the wet dog food smell from the Purina plant that drifts across the city, but that’s just a guess.

Q: Dear sir despite your distain for all things Ivy League, I am obligated to ask who you think is the favorite to win the coveted Ivy League Crown this year?
Will it be Princeton, Harvard or fair Yale?
Reginald – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: I could name a dozen high schools around the country that could “win” the Ivy League crown, that’s what I think.

Q: Hey There!
I am a former coach and currently live in the Garnet and Gold Retirement home here in beautiful Tallahassee Florida. I was kind of forced into retirement by someone I thought was a friend, but then snookered me into retirement and I am still a little sore about it, not as sore as these new pants my grandkids bought me for my birthday though, they bind me in the crotch and it makes me walk funny.
Anyway you seem to know a lot about different things about college football, like the time you wrote about NCAA President Myles Brand and that Hootie Snitch guy you have on the website is really funny too. Wait, what was I saying? O’ Yeah, so there is this “other” coach (who I won’t name, but let’s call him “Joe”, that is still coaching and he is even older than me, I think he’s like a hundred years old or something. So, why can’t I still coach when Mister Thick Glasses is allowed to coach? His glasses are kind of funny too. Except when he uses them to blind you on the other sidelines! I mean they are that thick!
I forgot what I was saying.
Hobby Howden – Tallahassee, Florida

A: Bobby, you are rambling again.

Q: Mister Wizard I live in Ann Arbor Michigan and I recently saw Coach Rod’s wife Rita at a local Michigan “Maze and Blue” Alumni function and although I was some distance from her, I would have to say you are incorrect in your description of Rita.
She seems to be very attractive from a distance.
Roy – Grand Rapids, Michigan

A: By distance do you mean over a mile?
Get a new prescription for your glasses because up close that woman could stop a watch.

There will be more on the wire tomorrow…..
with the second installment of the Preseason College Football Extravaganza
To include Conference Champions and more of what you have come to expect from your Favorite College Football Prognosticator
So stay tuned…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Although this is your last regular weekly college football pick….
The season is far from over; we still have the 2009 Bowl Game Spectacular
And Your College Football Prognosticators end of the season Awards.
They are very prestigious.

The CFB Wizard Christmas “Special”

And somewhere between now and the end of the year
We will catch up with Hootie Snitch and get his “unique” perspective on college football.

So have no fear your stockings will not be empty this year…..

This past week I was 10 and 4 or 71%, but I won the most important game on my list.

For the 2009 season (minus the one game we have this week)
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 574 and 165 or a steady 78%

We will go “old school” in this week’s pick
The same format I used to have “back in the day”

There will be reader email questions and answers…..
Along with News from around the College Football World and the pick for the Army-Navy game.

It’s been a great ride this year, thank you all for coming along.

Enjoy!

TEAM NEWS

TENNESSEE: This week it was reported the NCAA is “investigating” the Volunteers for recruiting violations.
The charges revolve around the use of university “hostesses” in the recruiting process.
Notice I didn’t say “Hookers”…..
Because I have on good authority Coach Rich Rod’s wife wasn’t in Knoxville at the time of the alleged incidents.
But you want to know what I think, here you go…
Nobody and I mean NOBODY is harder on the Volunteers than yours truly.
So here is my solution to this vexing problem.
The member universities of the Southeastern Conference ask the NCAA and their team of talented “investigators”
about the status of the University of Southern California Trojan “investigation” into Reggie Bush.
We already know what the answer will be, don’t we?
So collectively and individually the universities tell the NCAA to kiss our Southern Ass until Coach Pete and the Trojans are punished, until then don’t let us catch one of your candy ass “investigators” on our campuses.
NCAA, you want to punish us? You might want to check with ABC Sports, CBS Sports and ESPN and ALL the folks paying that big money for commercial time on the major networks too.
And Until I hear or read about Coach Pete and the Trojans being punished;
I don’t want to hear a damn thing about the Volunteers “violations” of NCAA rules.

NOTRE DAME: This past week Charlie Weis was dismissed from the Fighting Irish
The national sports media descended on Charlie because he dared to allude to a “certain” Coach living in Malibu…..
With a grad student, without his wife’s knowledge.
Everybody jumped on board…
Some called Charlie “bitter” and some said he was
“Burning every bridge on the way out of South Bend”
Because, after all….
We can’t criticize Coach Pete, what is he now sixth in the PAC 10 Conference?
That Star-Kist Tuna Bowl is looking pretty sweet about now, am I right Coach Pete?

This just goes to show you how screwed up our Sports Media really is…
How about asking Coach Pete about the babe at the beach
If not that, how about asking him about the Reggie Bush investigation?

KANSAS: As you may have read, Coach Mark Mangino retired as the Jayhawks Football Coach.
Some have criticized him for the way he treated his players.
Others claimed he left because Kansas had a bad season.
The truth is, Coach Mark had nothing left to prove.
He won an Orange Bowl and he beat anorexia
Enough said..

FAT PHIL FUMER: It was reported this week that “Fat Phil Fulmer” is interested in the Notre Dame coaching job. But what was not reported was that Coach Phil went through his 6 million dollar golden handshake the University of Tennessee gave him to get his fat ass off Beacon Hill, by binging on Krispy Kreme Bear Claws and Jelly Donuts.

EDITORS NOTE: I am sure Notre Dame would be interested in Coach Phil,
If they wanted a paranoid liar and someone that would “work like heck” and didn’t mind his players raping underage mentally challenged girls in the Athletic dorm.

OREGON: I was going to try and say something positive here about the Quacks win in the annual Civil War.
But, I keep drawing a blank.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I was going to say something how asinine Coach Pete and the Trojans acted
when they scored on UCLA with 48 seconds left, but you all knew that already.
So instead, I will say this….
Seriously, no Shiite you all aren’t on NCAA probation yet?

CARSON NEWMAN: After Coach Spark’s Eagles beat the Mighty Lions of North Alabama,
I would have thought they were a lock for the Division II Championship.
That was until they got derailed by Grand Valley State…
Great season Eagles; see you all in Florence next year.

AP VOTERS: For the AP voters that voted Southern California “Number One” for the first three weeks of season, and continued to do your best to keep them hanging around the top ten until the Stanford Cardinal rode them like a rented tractor.
You should ALL be ashamed of yourselves.

FLORIDA: A lot has been said this past week about Tim Tebow
and it would be easy for me to jump on the bandwagon, but you expect more from me.
I respect a player that is passionate about winning and losing.
He is a Class act, nothing but class.

LOUISVILLE: I am glad Charlie Strong finally gets a shot at being a head coach on a big stage.
Not because he’s black, but because he is one hell of a damn football coach.
The Cardinals got a fine man and one great coach.
Congratulations
:
CLEMSON: The fact C. J. Spiller wasn’t invited to the Heisman Trophy ceremony is another illustrated example of how little the national sports writers really know about college football.

NCAA: Soooooooo When can we expect to hear something (anything) about the “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

FLORIDA STATE: Now that “Father Time” has retired from Seminole University, it’s Jimbo time in Tallahassee. When I read that again, it sounds like his tenure should come with a bag of peanuts.
Never mind…

MICHIGAN: I have some Good News for Wolverine Fans!
With the economy being what it is….
You don’t have to worry about traveling to a Bowl game (again) this year!
Think of the savings!
Glad I could help…

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Sir,
I just want to start this off by saying that I’m appalled by the accusation made by former Notre Dame Head Coach, Charlie Weis. It’s bad enough that this man cannot and will not simply exit gracefully from South Bend, but he also has to attempt to drag down and great man like University of Southern California Head Coach, Pete Carroll. I do want to set the record straight so all will not have the wrong impression. The “graduate” student in question is not a female, but, rather a young man near and dear to Pete’s heart. Attached is a photograph of the innocent victims as they stare longingly into one another’s eyes and share a passionate moment.
So, as you can see, if it’s a dude, he’s not really, technically “cheating” on his wife.
Jimmy – Long Beach, California

A: This explains Coach Pete’s love of Kenny Chesney records.

Q: Mr Wizard,
I am so disgusted with you and all of you media people making fun of my absolutely FAVORITE player, Tim Tebow. I just want you to know that if Tim Tebow was crying then there would have been flooding in Atlanta. Tim Tebow doesn’t do things like all of us normal people he does EVERYTHING better. If Tim Tebow wanted to win that game then my absolute FAVORITE football player would have made my absolute FAVORITE football team win about 55 to nothing. But he didn’t. And do you know why? CAUSE HE AINT SELFISH!!! He’s done won him a Heisman and a couple of National Championships and he wanted to share all his good fortune with them boys from Alabama. Did you see how he didn’t get that many yards running the ball? Did you see how he generously threw that ball to the Crimpson Tide fella in the end zone towards the end of the game? That proves it!!!
So LEAVE MY HEART THROB TIM TEBOW ALONE!!!
Go Gators FOREVER!!!
Tracy in Homassassa

A: Tracy don’t get your Daisy Dukes is a twist; Timmy is nothing but class in my book.

Q: Dear Sir,
As a loyal alumnus of the University of Tennessee, I must take issue with the recent reports from the New York Times and other media outlets regarding the Universities use of “Hostesses” to assist with the recruiting effort. Just for the record, these comely young ladies are as innocent and pure as the driven snow and represent the wholesomeness of the university. Further, these ladies voluntarily travel to various recruit’s home towns to represent our fine institution at their high school football games and also, greet and assist young men on their recruiting trips to Knoxville in satisfying their various needs. In no way is this a violation of any rules. Here is a recent photo of these fine young ladies in their greeting attire, dressed to impress, as they await another young recruit to arrive on the field at Rocky Top.
Beavis Bowers – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: My first thought….
You all need to get a dental school in Tennessee…

Q: Dear Sir,
I don’t know if you’ve heard about it or not, but there is a story out stating that Coach Mark Mangino verbally abused his players. Sir, I was one of those players and I come forward to you with this letter as additional proof of what an absolute brute that man is.
One day while I was moussing my hair, this overgrown orangutan came in and jostled me in the middle of combing and preening!! I mean, I spent over 20 minutes trying to get it just right and he hits my elbow and makes me mess up this masterpiece!! Then, he had the unmitigated gall to say, “Hey pretty-boy, you’re boyfriend waiting on you or something?” Well, needless to say, I was outraged. On another occasion, while in the dressing room, he came upon me from behind and popped me with my jock strap!! I stood there humiliated and red-faced while all my teammates laughed and giggled.
This degrading behavior will no longer be tolerated by me or friends on the team.
I told my mom and she said I should write you.
So what do you think Mr. Wizard? Is he an animal or what!?!?
Philo Van Assderbilt – Lawrence, Kansas

A: I think you and your teammates that complained about such treatment wouldn’t last long enough at a Southeastern Conference School to find the damn men’s room.

Q: Dear Sir –
I am a Private Investigator here in Los Angeles.
I don’t know who else to turn to with the evidence I gathered…
Below is a transcript of a recent conversation I recorded between two well known coaches with a “bionic ear” during a pregame.
Picture is enclosed…
Anonymous – Los Angeles, California

Carroll: You know, Charlie, I’ve got this place up in Malibu….

Weis: Reeeeeeealllly?

Carroll: Well, yeah….and you know you’re kind of cute in a Ned Beatty kind of way…..
Can you squeal like a pig?

Weis: Yessssssssss, oh yesssssss…… By the way, how do you like my hourglass figure?
It took me 20 minutes to get my belt this tight….. all for YOU Petey!!!

A: One word: Creepy

THE PICK

Saturday December 12th

Army and Navy
These aren’t two of the best teams in the nation
But they do have some of the best young men in the nation.
Be sure and watch the pregame pageantry
And don’t miss the traditional post game action.
It will make you feel good about America
MIDSHIPMEN 31-17

Enjoy your Weekend
There is more to come….
So Stay Tuned…

RTR
MEB

It appears from a number of emails I received that I have slighted the Mighty Florida State Seminoles by not covering their “epic” win over Brigham Young University in Monday’s weekend wrap-up.

That certainly wasn’t my intent, I assure you.

After all haven’t I been the lone voice in the wilderness…
Defending the Seminoles against the dictatorship of the NCAA?

Wasn’t I the only college sports writer that defended the institution of higher learning known as Florida State University when the NCAA mascot Nazis demanded the Seminoles change their mascot..
“to something less offensive”?

Have I not promoted Chief Osceola and Renegade as one of the greatest mascots in all of college football?

Did I not produce a “Special” week of College Football Picks “just” for Florida State fans a few years ago?

The recent criticisms of the Seminole faithful cut me deeply

And yet confuses me as well…

Frankly I wasn’t aware the Seminole faithful cared all that much…
At the risk of calling some fans “fair weather”
Let me explain…
Prior to the season and certainly after their first game of the season
The Seminoles had been unable to sell their allotment of tickets for home games.
Some blame the economy…
Others have blamed the recent NCAA witch hunt in Tallahassee
But the fact remains, when a Coach of Saint Bobby’s stature has to resort to begging the faithful to purchase tickets…
Well that just breaks my heart.

But enough about that…
I am here to right a perceived wrong…
So please accept my humble apology Seminole Faithful.
And let me say..
Congratulations!
You thrashed a team that has not been of any national importance since 1984.
Job well done!

Your College Football Picks will be out tomorrow morning
And Hootie Snitch will deliver his take on the Gator – Vol game for you on Friday

So Stay tuned

RTR
MEB

I am right here at my restaurant HOOT-R’s!
Located in a previously owned double wide trailer…
right off of Leadmine Road just outside of Baneberry Tennessee
Look for the lighted sign and come on in for the Biggest and Best
Tennessee Volunteer Victory party in the universe!

In case you is a living under a rock
This is the week of the Tennessee – Florida game.
And I am fixing to tell you Seven Big Old Reasons “Why”
The Tennessee Volunteers are going to whip them gators ass on Saturday.
Come on in and Let me break it down for you

ONE – The Volunteers orange color is more orange than them gators orange.
Their’s ain’t even real orange color best I can tell.
Now that we talking about it, what’s with them gators having blue with orange?
That don’t even match good.

TWO – Them gators got one, count it “One” mascot.
A damn old gator…..Big damn deal.
We Volunteers got a whole passel of mascots!
We got a student dressed up like a mountain man and he even has a rifle.
That is cool as hell!
We got us a real dog, that is some kind of blue tick hound
Which is awesome!
We got ourselves two students
That dress up like a female and a male dog in them foam rubber costumes.
Which is double-awesome!
Then we got us this ole boy in a foam rubber costume that looks like a orange!
“GO Big Orange!” Get it?

THREE – I don’t have a damn clue to what them gators fight song is about or what they doing with their arms a chomping.
But the Volunteers got us a “real” fight song!
It talks about laying around and drinking moonshine liquor and not paying no bills!
Now tell me that don’t sound like the life of Riley!

FOUR– Our quarterback is better than that damn old Tim Tebow.
Our Boy just ain’t won no awards cause he’s humble like that..
And wants the publicity on the team and not himself.

FIVE – Our Football Coach Lane Kiffin coached in the N-F-L, Ever heard of it?
In case you didn’t know that is PRO-FESSIONAL Football!
What has that Urban Myer done?
He Coached in some Pee-Wee league, big damn deal.
Also, I know for a damn fact
That Urban Myer wishes every single night he was coaching in Knoxville.
How do I know?
He come from Utah right?
When you send a picture postcard out that way what do you have to put down for the state? “UT”, I believe I done made my point.

SIX- We got us the best players in the damn country!
That’s why there ain’t nobody from Tennessee on the team!
Cause everybody from allover the country that is any good at football is coming to the Volunteeers!
What do them gators got? Some players from Florida, bigggggg deal.

SEVEN – Them gator fans ain’t sophisticated like we Vol fans is.
The closest them gator fans got to “culture” is when they walked by the yogart isle in Piggly Wiggly.
Thought that funny up by myself!

Now for Ole Hootie’s Predection:

VOLS 55
Gators 10

If you was a wondering why I didn’t pick the game as a shut out
It’s cause we got to play our scrubs sometime and them gators are lible to score on them once or twice

And don’t forget…
If you is in the neighborhood come on down to HOOT-R’s!
Enjoy the game with me and all the Volunterer Fans!
I got Possum Hot Wings and BBQ Muskrat Nuggets for everybody!
And as always something cold to wash it down with!
I will be dressed and ready? Will you?

GO VOLS!

Hootie – Out!

Way before criminal elements flashed hand signs to identify their affiliations….

The members of the Southwest Conference had established identifying hand signs for their respective teams and most if not all the fans of the universities have kept the tradition alive.

Clearly this practice of indentifying one another with hand signs is not unique to the members of the former Southwest Conference, but they did perfect the practice.

After all……
Who hasn’t seen the thumbs up “Gig Em Aggies!” sign..
Displayed on television by thousands of adoring Texas A&M fans at Kyle Field?

I know the fine people in Lubbock….
Still “Get their Guns Up!” for the Mighty Red Raiders of Texas Tech….

And everyone from Memphis to Moscow….
Knows the sign for the University of Texas…
“Hook Em’ Horns”…..

Young and old…..
It’s a way of identifying each other….

But there is a “right way” and a “wrong way”..
To perform this right of passage as a devoted fan…..

As you might imagine..
Different hand signs mean different things…

Case in point…

My buddy Matthew McConaughey of Austin Texas…
Demonstrates the correct form in flashing a proper “Hook Em’ Horns” sign….

While Ed “Apple Butter” Simpson of Texarkana, Arkansas….
Does not….
Not really quite sure what Ed is trying to do here…
It looks like he is describing seeing my sister-in-laws “calcium deposits”….

Conversely…..
The University of Oklahoma Sooners and the Texas A&M Aggies…
Will perform the “Down Horns” sign to signify their inherent dislike for the University of Texas…..

The young children who are raised to be fans of the respective schools learn what each hand sign means before they can even speak……

But as I mentioned earlier….
The old teams of the Southwest Conference didn’t invent the University sign, they just perfected it.

The Horned Frogs of Texas Christian University….
And the Baylor Bears and the Houston Cougars all had hand signs to represent their universities.

Certainly there are others of note around the college football world….

Who hasn’t seen the Gator Chomp….
or The Seminole Tomahawk Chop….

But let us not forget perhaps the most famous of all college football hand signs….

The University of Tennessee…
“Were Number 1” sign….

It is performed quite differently than what you might expect…
It requires “more elbow….”

More College Football Next week….
So stay tuned…
Only 55 days until kickoff…..

RTR
MEB