We are nearing the end of October…..
And in most parts of the country autumn is in the air….
The air turns crisp as the leaves begin to change color…..
The cool breeze blows the falling leaves across the landscape….
And young and old alike are preparing for Halloween…..
Children in festive costumes, pumpkin carvings of all types decorate porches and windows
But as we all know….
This is also a dangerous time of the year…..

This is also the time of the year…..

When Fat Phil Fulmer will come out of the pumpkin patch
and douse unsuspecting and unsupervised children in a sweet sugary substance and devour them whole.

So please, do not leave your children unsupervised this time of year and remember:
Fat Phil has been known to wear a variety of disguises to lure children into his waiting jaws.
Such as….
He may be dressed as a larger, more transvestite looking Wynonna Judd
that smells suspiciously like Krispy Kreme Bear Claws….

Or he may be disguised as a 600 pound Pumpkin that smells suspiciously like Krispy Kreme donuts….

He may even appear at a distance to be 1978 Buick LeSabre….
that smells like old feet, pancakes and shame…..

And of course his most diabolical disguise to date…
Dressed as “Shamu” and wearing an “I (Heart) Peyton Manning” T-shirt

EDITORS NOTE: Please consider this public service announcement….
as fulfilling the conditions of my community service.

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Although Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator successfully predicted MO’s Tigers upset of the Oklahoma Sooners, I did however miss a number of other games by a light year or two, and I blame that on the full moon and a lack of bourbon.
That being said…..
Last week I was a “Less than Spectacular” 37 and 13 or 74%
And after eight weeks into the college football season I am 372 and 82 or 82%.

Not too bad all things considered…

EDITORS NOTE: But before you ask….
No I do not want to talk about my beloved Texas Longhorns..

BRIEF COMMENTARY ON THE TENNESSEE VOLUNTEERS

Many of you have asked why I haven’t said more about the troubles in Obknoxville or why I haven’t commented on the Alabama Crimson Tide victory last Saturday.
So let me say this….
I don’t believe in kicking anyone or any program when they are down….

This despite what “coach” Phil Fulmer and his cronies attempted to do to the University of Alabama a number of years ago when he was playing a white trash version of Inspector Clouseau with his “Secret Witnesses” and his obsession with all things Crimson.

And let me say this about the Third Saturday in October….
Coach Bryant said to “Win without bragging and lose without excuse”

EDITORS NOTE: That’s the way it’s supposed to be….

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“Them folks up north like to make fun of us in the South….
cause they say we take our football too seriously down here.
Well let me tell you something young blood….
We damn sure do take it seriously and you want to know why?
‘Cause everybody up north make fun of us….
They make fun of the way we talk, the way we get along with one another…
our religion, our guns and our way of life. They even make fun of our education….
But them folks need to remember one thing…
They might have more ivy growing on them colleges up north….
But we got more National Championships….
You damn right we take it serious….”

THE PICKS

Thursday October 27th

Florida State at North Carolina State
There is a Halloween “special” going on in Raleigh this week…
It’s a Jimbo size ass whipping…..
JIMBO’S NOLES 38-21

North Alabama at Delta State
The Fighting Okra get fried in Florence on Thursday night….
Believe it….
MIGHTY LIONS 43-17

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note…..
I hope my upcoming book deal will allow me to be a guest on the Okra Winfrey Show

Friday October 28th

West Virginia at Connecticut
The Mountaineers of Morgantown get back to their winning ways this week…
By making taking the Huskies on a run…
MOUNTAINEERS 33-17

Saturday October 29th

Northwestern at Indiana
Hoosier? As in…….
Who’s your daddy?
WILDCATS 31-21

Juniata at John Hopkins
I know what you are thinking…
That Johnny Hopkins boy turned out alright…
He got his own medical school and everything..
Johnny is going to need that medical training this Saturday
Because I heard Juanita got laid off from the Wal-Mart loading dock..
And she has a J-Lo size mean on..
J –LO DOWN 28-14

Miami at Virginia
According to the National Weather Service….
Hurricane season lasts until November 1st….
So there you go…
HURRICANES 34-17

Tennessee at South Carolina
The Vowels in the Rear View Mirror are a lot closer than they may appear…
Believe it….
GAMECOCKS 24-20

Virginia Military Academy at Army
This game won’t feature the best football played this Saturday afternoon…
But it will feature some of the very best young men in this country
If seeing the cadets from both military academies march into the stadium….

Doesn’t make your heart beat a little faster…
Doesn’t bring a tear to your eye…
Doesn’t make you proud to live in this country…
Then you probably work in the White House…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 31-17

Purdue at Illinois
This ancient Big Twelve, I mean Eleven…Sorry, I meant Ten Rivalry
Is played each season for something that looks like a miniature Oscar Mayer Wiener Mobile…
Not that it matters…
Halloween is right around the corner..
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-17

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note….
I heard Kenny Chesney used to drive the Wiener mobile….
How appropriate…

Louisville at Pittsburgh
This Big East rivalry between the river towns is always heated…
and this year I am calling for a “not so upset special”
STRONGS CARDINALS 28-24

Syracuse at Cincinnati
The fact that the Orange beat the West Virginia Mountaineers last week at home is..
One of the first signs of the coming apocalypse…..
It’s in the Bible in the Book of Bryant
KATS of BEAR 24-21

UAB at Southern Miss
The Blazers will get torched in beautiful Hattiesburg…
I can almost smell the BBQ smoking from here…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-20

Northern Illinois at Western Michigan
Between the “northern” and the “western” in this game..
I feel like I am reading a Rand McNally Atlas
BRONCOS 31-28

Oklahoma State at Kansas State
I have a feeling the Prairie Wind will be touching the Wildcat’s in the naughty place on Saturday
COWBOY UP! 38-28

Clemson at Boston College
This Atlantic Coast Conference rivalry is played for the O’Rourke- McFadden Trophy
I’m not sure what that actually is….
But I think it looks like a stuffed version of the little guy from Fantasy Island.
Then why don’t they just call it the “Herve Villechaize Trophy”
I’m just asking
DABOS TIGERS 34-17

Akron at Temple
This game features Zippers and Owls…..
Which if you ask me….
Sounds like something dirty is going on down at the barn….
ZIPPERS 33-31

Utica College at Ithaca
If Lou Holtz says the names of these two colleges quickly….
He will form a tsunami of spit…..
It’s a scientific fact
CA’ TSUNAMI 21-17

Marist at Campbell
I still can’t get over Campbell having “Gaylord the Camel” as a mascot….
Not that it matters…
That Marist is a real Fox…
RED FOX 43-10

Citadel at Wofford
This Battle in the Palmetto State….
Is between the school of Chewbacca and the boys from the Military School of South Carolina
I will go with the boys in uniform…
BULLDOGS 31-28

Elon at Chattanooga
The little Cuban boy is going to get a beat down at the home of..
the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum and Wall of Remembrance and Gift Shop.
I hope they have time to take the tour before they leave town.
MIGHTY MOCS 38-24

Samford at Georgia Southern
Is it just me….
Or does every time you hear about “Samford” you think about Fred and Lamount?
It’s just me? Never mind then…
EAGLES 34-17

Ball State at Kent State
When I read that Ball State was playing the Golden Flashes…
I thought…..
That sounds like a party at Elton John’s house…
FLASHERS 33-31

Louisiana Lafayette at Ohio
U La La gets mauled by Franks Cats…
Believe it…
FRANKS BOBCATS 31-17

Ursinus at Moravian
I wonder…..
Is this game an indication that a Moron has a urinary infection?
I know, sometimes I wonder too much…
MORONS 21-17

Kansas at Iowa State
This game begs the question…
Whatever happened to the fat kid from “What’s Happening?”
I’m just asking…
CYCLONES 33-17

San Diego State at Wyoming
I know it sounds hard to believe…
But I think the boys from Laramie are going to win one…
I’m serious, stop laughing…
COWBOYS! 28-24

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering..
Yes, that would most definitely be an upset special…

Tulsa at Notre Dame
The Golden Hurricanes and the Golden Gnomes..
Sounds like a pair of kids video games for sale at Toys R Us…..
FIGHTING IRISH 38-24

UTEP at Marshall
I know, I know….
My Herd let me down last week against the Pirates..
They won’t this week…
WE ARE MARSHALL 31-28

Montana at Weber State
Now I like the people from Weber State as much as anybody…
I personally have owned a number of their grills and smokers and they do indeed make a fine product.
But the Grizzly Bears have a mauling on their mind……
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 43-21

Georgia at Florida
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”
This one has the potential to be a shocker….
MIGHTY GATORS 28-24

California at Oregon State
Given a choice between Bears and Beavers…
I will take Beavers every time….
It’s how I roll….
MIGHTY BEAVERS 28-17

Michigan State at Iowa
Cinderella will lose a shoe in Corn Country….
Believe it….
EYES of the HAWK 28-24

Duke at Navy
It has been rumored that the Blue Devils are making a switch at quarterback…
Unfortunately they have selected Leonard Nimoy….
Which is highly illogical….
MIDSHIPMEN 38-17

Furman at Appalachian State
Seriously, how many colleges did Chewbacca buy with his Star Wars money?
MOUNTAINEERS 38-17

Carson Newman at Newberry
As a fan of Andy Griffith and the town of Mayberry…
I don’t know much about “Newberry”….
but I think it’s close to Mount Pilot
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-28

Miami (OH) at Buffalo
When I first saw this game on the schedule…
I thought the Boys from Miami were playing Wynonna Judd…
If that were the case, they wouldn’t stand a chance..
MEN of RED 34-20

Texas Tech at Texas A&M
In the words of Forrest Gump….
These two teams are like a box of chocolates…
You never know what you are going to get..
GIG EM AGGIES 24-21

Troy at Louisiana Monroe
Believe it or not….
“Louisiana Monroe” is NOT a distant cousin to “Indiana Jones”
Glad I could clear that up for everybody..
MEN OF TROY 34-28

Bowling Green at Central Michigan
Not that it’s all that important here…
But Detroit smells like wet cat food and old urinal cakes
Just thought you should know…
CHIPPEWAS’ 33-23

Wake Forest at Maryland
Between a fight between the two mascots…..
Jimmy Swaggart as the Demon Deacon and the Turtle man as the Fighting Terrapin
Although Jimmy does a better crying and begging routine…
I have to go with…
TURTLE MEN 31-24

St. Scholastica at MacMurray College
Who was “Saint Scholastica” anyway, somebody that could spell really well?
That sounds totally made up to me…
But it is nice to know that Fred MacMurray has his own college
THE FIGHTING FREDS 24-10

Southern Methodist at Tulane
My Proud Ponies had a tough couple of weeks….
But they will trample the wave of green Saturday
You better believe it…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS34-17

Missouri at Nebraska
We are too close to Halloween to go against the Children of the Corn
And the “Victory Bell” goes too….
MIGHTY CORNHUSKERS 34-31

East Carolina at Central Florida
The Golden Knights will get tarnished before this one is over
PIRATES 38-34

Arizona at UCLA
I would watch this game….
But VH1 is having a “Behind the Music” Special on David Hasselhoff…
I think it’s all in German…
BRUINS 28-24

San Jose State at New Mexico State
The Spartans of San Jose has been pretty consistent all season….
They consistently get their ass whipped…
PISTOL PETE 38-17

Montana State at Idaho State
Anytime I see “Idaho” anything, I don’t think about potatoes..
I remember a girl in High School named Ida; she had a questionable reputation
BOBCATS 43-24

Auburn at Ole Miss
This game is going to be uglier than pajama night at Neverland Ranch..
WAR DAMN EAGLE 141-3

EDITORS NOTE: Is it too soon for Michael Jackson jokes?

New Mexico at Colorado State
By the way….
Did they ever bury Michael Jackson or are they still dragging him around on tour?
I’m just asking….
RAM TOUGH 24-21

Vanderbilt at Arkansas
The Commodores will keep this one close until the third quarter..
Then it’s all….
HAWGS 38-17

Houston at Memphis
Two great BBQ Towns….
I am going with the beef brisket in this one….
COUGARS 33-28

Washington State at Arizona State
I would watch this game…..
But I am coming down with a bad case of Boogie Woogie Flu and Disco Fever
Sorry…
DEVILS of the SUN 97-3

Stanford at Washington
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!
Believe it…
HUSKIES 31-28

Kentucky at Mississippi State
Christopher Walken and I are in complete agreement….
You can never have enough Cowbell
BULLY DOGS 28-24

Click here to view the embedded video.

Baylor at Texas
This is an old Southwest Conference rivalry…
But as a side note to this game: “If” my Longhorns….
Lose this game, I want them to know my liver and spleen will explode…
My intestines will be on your conscience…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 24-21

Utah at Air Force
I don’t think you can fit Two Utes in the cockpit of an F-16 Falcon..
Even if it’s the “B” version….
It’s a little tight in there
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-28

Michigan at Penn State
This Rivalry in the North is played for one of the most coveted of all trophy’s.
“The Bejeweled Rolled Loaf of Head Cheese”
You got to hand it to those Yankees….
If there is something that smells bad, they will make a trophy out of it…
JOE PA’S LIONS 31-28

Ohio State at Minnesota
I will keep this simple for the two Golden Gopher fans who read my weekly article
You are going to get your ass whipped on Saturday
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 49-10

Oregon at Southern California
This game is like trying to pick a winner in a war between Iran and Syria
Can’t they both lose?
QUACKERS 54-38

Colorado at Oklahoma
The Buffalos have the same chance of winning this game….
As Hillary Clinton does of being a Hooters Girl….
BOOMER SOONERS 44-17

Utah State at Nevada
This will be the best televised college football game..
On ESPN 3 at 0300 Sunday Morning….
PACK of WOLVES 43-17

Texas Christian at UNLV
Just for the record and for those folks reading this in Tennessee…
“UNLV” does not stand for….
United Norwegian Loquacious Vegans
HORNED FROGS 44-10

Idaho at Hawaii
The folks from Famous Potatoes should really do something about their mascot…
He looks like a convicted child molester out on parole…
I bet Dog the Bounty Hunter would catch him if he was…
That’s all I’m saying….
And in case you were wondering….
Dog the Bounty Hunter can be seen on the A&E Network on Wednesday nights
Check your local stations for times..
WARRIORS bounty hunting on RAINBOWS 33-28

Next Week…..
We will return to a normal format with Hootie Snitch providing “commentary” on Tennessee Volunteer Football and an update on his celebrity golf tournament to help his mother with hoof and mouth disease. (You read that correctly)

As well as catching up on Email Questions from by beloved readers…

Have a great Weekend…

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I present….
The long awaited final installment of the College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza….

In this edition we will catch up on news from around the college football world and examine a number of hallowed College Football Traditions….

I will explain the AP Pre-Season Top 25 in College Football and tell you who will be in Pasadena on January 2010.

And as always we have your Pre-Season Email Questions and Answers

Enjoy….

GARY BUSEY QUOTE OF THE WEEK

I am aware that having a Gary Busey quote embedded in the Pre-Season Extravaganza has little to do with College Football.
However….
Since this was introduced a couple of weeks ago I have been overwhelmed with emails requesting more.

My dear fans I hear you….
Enjoy…

Your Gary Busey quote of the week…..

“It’s good for everyone to understand that they are to love their enemies, simply because your enemies show you things about yourself you need to change.
So in actuality enemies are friends in reverse.”

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t feel bad…..
I didn’t get it either…

COACHES CORNER

As we all know by now, Coach Pete Carroll of U$C Trojan Fame has written or co-authored a number of books detailing his success in coaching college football with U$C.

There is…..
“Winning Forever…”

And my personal favorite….
“Cheating in College Football for Dummies”

And then there is Coach Pete’s latest book entitled…..
“Always Compete”

I have on good authority that the following excerpts were removed from the book just prior to printing…..

The particular section in question deals with Coach Pete’s “prankster” side or as his publicist stated, “This particular section of the book illuminates Coach Pete’s wonderful sense of humor and shows his “down to earth” side.”

Being a real jokester, Pete loves to pull pranks on people. Well, almost always, sometimes those little pranks just don’t work out.

During the 2006 season, Pete thought it would be funny to put a potato in the tailpipe of Reggie Bush’s 1996, souped up Chevy Impala that was allegedly paid for by New Age Sports. Reggie comes out of the dorm after a long “study” session, pimped out in a fur coat, wide brimmed fedora, two hot babes on each arm, and a smile showing a grill that would make Diamonds-r-us proud. He plops the two well endowed Chiquita’s in the front seat, swings around to the driver’s side door, and pops in. Reggie turns the car over and nothing happens. Pete and a couple of assistant coaches are behind some shrubbery, watching the scene unfold, and giggling like a couple of prepubescent school girls. Again, Reggie tries to start his prized hot rod and, again, no love. He turns the ignition one more time, presses down hard on the accelerator with his stacked leather Gucci shoes, and BLAM!!!! The potato shoots out of the tailpipe like a .45 caliber round out of a handgun, zips toward the shrubbery, and catches Coach Pete right between the eyes!! Reggie jumps out of the car with urine stained trousers, sees his head coach with potato embedded in his forehead, assistant coaches howling, and begins a profanity laden tirade. He begins to sprint toward the Coach but its too late, Carroll and crew gone in an instant.

What a jokester.

Then there was the time that Pete’s friend Myles Brand was in town. When those two get together, well, let’s say the results are unpredictable. Myles is well known for having more than a few late night toddies before bedtime. Back in 2007, Pete decided it would be fun to add a little Ex Lax to the good NCAA Presidents Scotch. Not willing to stop there, Pete snuck into Myles guest quarters on the beautiful USC campus and glued the bathroom doors shut. Again, Pete and the coaching staff were hidden in the shrubbery outside, peering in the window to Myles’ study waiting for the special elixir to work its magic. Sure enough, after a couple of drinks, Myles begins to squirm in his seat, then jumps up, and rushes to the bathroom. Whoops!! He can’t unlock the door!! Needless to say, Myles not only did the Texas two step out into the frigid night air and into the back yard, but he barely made it off the back porch before an explosion erupted from his nether reaches, blowing his pajamas out clean down to his knees. Not a pretty sight. Pete & the coaches jumped out of the bushes and a startled Myles rolled backwards into the putrid pile he had just expelled while all had tons of belly laughs. Myles, more than a little rankled, promised Pete that he’d get his revenge.
And so he did, hence the OJ Mayo investigation.

Yes, Pete Carroll has quite the sense of humor.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS

NCAA FASHION POLICE: In case you haven’t heard….

The NCAA Fashion Police are at it again…..

They have docked the Clemson Tigers two preseason practices for wearing “improper attire” at its first two workouts last week.
NCAA rules say players can only wear jerseys and shorts during the five-day acclimatization period.
However, the Tigers wore long, compression shorts with padding on the top, referred to as girdles.
Pictures of Clemson players in the “improper” shorts are on the Clemson athletic Web site.
Coach Dabo Swinney says the team did not knowingly break the rule, considered a secondary violation by the NCAA.
A second practice scheduled for Monday was canceled. The Tigers will work out just once Friday after originally scheduling two sessions.
Swinney referred to the matter as “Girdlegate.”
Athletic spokesman Tim Bourret said no other penalties are involved.

EDITORS NOTE: So Clemson players can’t wear compression shorts…
But U$C players can wear thongs to practice….
Yeah that makes perfect sense to me now….

U$C: Last week the Trojan Times reported that one time Arkansas transfer and heir apparent to the Trojan quarterback franchise Mitch Mustain was experiencing what was described as “academic issues” and was ineligible for the season opener against San Jose State.

Then magically…..
This week….

(Insert your favorite magician special effect noises here)

He is cleared!
That compliance department at U$C works faster than Ernest Angely!

Coach Pete Carroll reported that Mitch was cleared to play and practice…
Amazing….
Since neither Pete nor the Trojan Times had any additional information on how the process took place or what the initial issues were…

EDITORS NOTE: So the compliance department at U$C can figure this issue out at light speed….
But they can’t find Reggie Bush’s momma’s house?
So how is that “investigation” going into Reggie Bush while he was with the Trojans?

MIAMI: Excited Hurricane Football Fans have written me asking for “more information” concerning the “Hurricane Fan Packs” that will be issued at upcoming home games in the “new” cane Stadium.

Enclosed is a snapshot of one lucky fan with his new Hurricane “grill”….

EDITORS NOTE: Classy…..

FLORIDA STATE: Many of you have written me recently and asked if Coach Bobby is “still recruiting”?
I have on good authority that he has been actively recruiting this offseason.
In fact!
Here is a picture of Coach Bobby “recruiting” at a local Florida Penitentiary.

CHATTANOOGA: “Racist Shoe U”….

CLEMSON: I am just glad the Tigers weren’t wearing racist shoes with their compression shorts….
Then there would have been REAL trouble!

SOUTH CAROLINA: The national sports media wants to make a ruckus over Coach Steve’s apparent lack of concern over voting in the “All-Southeastern Conference” ballot.
Let me remind you all something, which is vital this time of year….
It’s doesn’t matter where you start the season….
It matters where you finish…
Same goes for individual awards.
Enough said..

TENNESSEE: At the recent Southeastern Conference media days Coach Lane said that the Volunteers “had to go outside the state to recruit, because there wasn’t any good football in the state of Tennessee.”

I bet that was news to the Oak Ridge Wildcats….
Hillsboro…
Riverdale….
The Gallatin Green Wave…
Maryville….
And Alcoa….
As well as all the fine high schools in Memphis…

EDITORS NOTE: You are thinking it, so I will say it…
What a dumbass…..

KENTUCKY: Don’t underestimate these Cats…
They are a lot better than advertised….
A-Lot better…..

LSU: Hey Fightn’ Tigers….
The evening of 10 October 2009 in Death Valley….
The Mighty Bayou Bengals season will be determined..
Believe it….

NEBRASKA: I know your question Big Red Fans…
Will the Cornhuskers build on last year’s success?
Yes and they will take down one big program along the way….
Believe it…

OKLAHOMA: Don’t overlook BYU early…
Or you will meet the Longhorns with two loses…..

OREGON: Congratulations! Once again…..
The Ducks have won the Butt Ugly Award for their uniforms….
I know that it must be difficult not having any college football traditions to speak of…
Selling out and being the butt monkey of NIKE…
Allowing them to change whatever they want at will, just so you can milk them for more money..
So Congratulations on having the ugliest uniforms (again) in all of college football..
You deserve it.

NOTRE DAME: What is the number one question I get from Irish Fans?
“Will the Fighting Irish be undefeated going into the game with U$C?”
Yes…..my leprechaun loving friends, you most certainly will be.

GEORGIA: How about them Dawgs?

GEORGIA TECH: The Rambling Wreck….
Will be two wins away from winning the Atlantic Coast Conference Title this year…

ARKANSAS: See Kentucky above….

KANSAS STATE: You have to know….
Your football team is in trouble when you dig up a dead football coach and prop him up on the sidelines.
That is just wrong….

IVY LEAGUE: Here we go again……
All you knuckleheads from the Ivy League stop asking me to write “something” about positive your “football” teams and “league”.
Let me break this down for you…..
Your Marching Bands don’t know how to play the “Theme from Shaft”…
They dress like a middle school marching band…and sound worse.
Your Cheerleaders look like they could floss with a number two pencil….
Your football teams couldn’t beat Hoover High School in Alabama….
So shut up and find something to protest….

GREAT COLLEGE FOOTBALL TRADITIONS

MASCOTS and FIGHT SONGS

ST OLAF COLLEGE

When it comes to college fight songs….
Few are more confusing than the inspirational “Um Ya Ya” song from St. Olaf College

“Um Ya Ya”

We come from St Olaf, we sure are the real stuff…
Our team is the cream of the college great
We fight fast and furious, our team is injurious
Tonight Carleton College will sure meet its fate.

Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YA YA YA
Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YA YA YA “

EDITORS NOTE: I am not really sure what they are trying to convey with this fight song or why Olaf is considered a Saint but I do know this song has an awful lot of “Ya’s” in it.
Which is nice….

EARLHAM COLLEGE

Among the student body, the chant sung publicly is…….

“Fight, Fight, Inner Light!
Kill, Quakers, Kill!
Knock ‘em Down, Beat ‘em Senseless!
Do It ’til We Reach Consensus!”
Also:
Fight, Fight, Inner Light!
Kill, Quakers, Kill!
Beat ‘em, Beat ‘em, Knock ‘em Senseless!
Tell Me, Do We Have Consensus?”

Another popular cheer that is sung by the Earlham College Fightin’ Quakers cheerleaders when the opposing team has possession of the ball is:

“Fight exuberantly!
Fight exuberantly!
Compel them to relinquish the ball!”

EDITORS NOTE: If you have to use proper English and big words…
It doesn’t count as a fight song, sorry.

MAINE

The Maine Black Bears have a unique way of celebrating their universities accomplishments through their classic fight song called..

“The Maine Stein Song”

“Fill the steins to dear old Maine!
Shout till the rafters ring!
Stand and drink the toast once again!
Let every loyal Maine Man sing,
Drink to all the happy hours,
Drink to all the careless days!
Drink to Maine, our Alma Mater
The college of our hearts always!”

EDITORS NOTE: No references to storming down the field or turning your opponents into Bear poop…
But it is nice to know that they endorse underage inebriation…..

MINNESOTA

Our favorite Golden Rodents have brought us a timeless fight song…..

“Minnesota Rouser”

“Minnesota, hats off to thee,
To thy colors true we shall be,
Firm and strong, united we are,
RAH! RAH! RAH! RAH! RAH!
Rah for the U of M!”

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t feel bad my dear readers…
This didn’t make any damn sense to me either…

ORAL ROBERTS

At this wonderful institution of learning (and I suppose miraculous healing)
They don’t have “fight songs”; they have “spirit songs”.
Here is just a taste of the awe inspiring Oral Roberts Spirit Song.

“Oh, O-R-U,
Oh, O-R-U,
Oh, O-R-University!
Holy Spirit Blesses,
Seeking out the best,
Of the human trinity,
Ordained by Holy Destiny”

EDITORS NOTE: There is a good lesson here my friends….
If God really cared about what went on in college athletics….
Then Oral Roberts would lose every damn game and Myles Brand would ignite in flames.

AKRON

What in the Hell is a “Zip” anyway?
Does a student dress up in a costume that looks like a punctuation mark?

If you think their “Zippy” mascot is confusing then review their fight song…
“Akron Blue and Gold”

“So, we stand up, cheer and shout,
For the Akron Blue and Gold.
Zzzip! Zip go the Zi- – ips!
Zzzip! Zip go the Zi — ips!
Akron True Gold and blue,
All for you and the Zi- – ips too!”

EDITORS NOTE: I have thoroughly reviewed the Akron Fight Song..
And I have determined that if you actually sing this song in “low-tones” it sounds like you’re repeatedly breaking wind..

HOLY CROSS

You wanted disturbing? I will give you disturbing.

“Maime Reilly”

“Oh, Maime, Maime, Maime Reilly!
Slide Kelly, Slide,
Casey’s at Bat,
Oh Maime Reilly, where’d you get that hat?
Down in Old Kentucky,
Go Cross, Go,
Oh, Maime, Maime, Maime Reilly!”

EDITORS NOTE: Ok, listen closely sports fans….
That really didn’t make any damn sense.

GREAT COLLEGE FOOTBALL TRADITIONS

HOMECOMING

There are few traditions in college football as enjoyable as homecoming….
The crisp feel of fall in the air…..
The Parade before the game….
The University Departments, Fraternity and Sorority Floats…
The Marching bands….
The Majorettes and Cheerleaders….
Students dressed in their finest…..
Seeing old friends and teammates…
Retelling the time worn tales of glories past….

But there is a “right” way and “wrong” way to conduct homecoming.

Case in point….
Enclosed is a picture of a Homecoming Parade on the Beautiful Campus of Boise State.
You will notice floats and vehicles of all makes and models adorned with the Bronco Colors moving at an acceptable pace while the alumni and fans enjoy the procession along the parade route.

This is the “Correct” way to have a Homecoming Parade….

Enclosed is a picture from last years Homecoming Parade at Evergreen State….
The Home of the Geoducks….

In case you were wondering….
College Homecoming Floats are NOT supposed to resemble a Roman Fertility Rite…
Even if your “mascot” is a Geoduck….

The 2009 AP Pre-Season College Football Top 10

I understand your frustration college football fans….
Your team did amazingly well last year and you return 10 starters on offense and defense and you wake up in July to find that your team isn’t even ranked in the pre-season top 25.

It’s a complicated process the AP voters go through that requires examination and explanation.

That’s why I am here…..

Below is the rationale behind the AP voter’s selection of college football teams in the Pre-Season Top 10
I hope this helps…..

1. FLORIDA: The Gators’ defense improved this year by dropping their NFL-caliber players for actual NFL players

2. TEXAS: The Longhorns will employ the strategy of playing it cool and not caring about a championship, which will ultimately win the attention of the BCS pollsters

3. OKLAHOMA: Once again the Sooners make it into the Top Five because someone on the team has an uncle who knows how to operate the BCS computer.

4. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Shows what can happen if you play in a weak conference and don’t play any teams out of conference unless the school in question has the words “academy” or “hair design” in their title.

5. ALABAMA: Young team overflowing with confidence, though preseason boast that their football empire shall rule over all the Earth for a thousand years makes Pollsters uneasy

6. OHIO STATE: Has more experience beating teams in its conference and losing to teams in the SEC than any other squad in recent memory.

7. VIRGINIA TECH: Pollsters feel obligated to move Virginia Tech up to No. 7 in hopes they will play in the FedEx Orange Bowl, as in light of past events, it would have been insensitive to invite them to the Tostitos Unspeakable Tragedy Bowl.

8. PENN STATE: Because Joe Pa will kick your ass, that’s why.

9. LSU: The developing Tigers have set high expectations for themselves this year..
But will fall short of their goal of being undefeated and winning every game by a million points.

10. OLE MISS: [cue banjo music]

TEAMS JUST OUTSIDE THE TOP TEN

BOISE STATE: The Broncos will be able to leap from No. 15 to No. 9, when the Pollsters computer factored in the average start time of their games.

WISCONSIN: Powerful offense; fast, gambling defense; would be ranked higher if it weren’t for the lame “Jump Around” celebration and horribly annoying marching band.

OREGON: Honestly, this one is just space filler

MICHIGAN: Sorry, I meant to say 53rd; I didn’t mean to be an insufferable arrogant jackass about it, the way Michigan fans were back when their team was any good.

BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP

Before we go any further let this be said…..
The Mighty Florida Gators will be playing the Texas Longhorns in Pasadena California for the BCS National Championship….
That is unless ESPN and ABC get involved….
Like they did last year….

PRE SEASON EMAILS QUESTION & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Sir,
I’ve been incarcerated for the last month.
I’m serving a 4 month sentence but the bulls let us look at the internet.
One of the sites that isn’t blocked is YOURS!!!

Well, since I’ve got so much time on my hands I’ve been thinking about some things.
One of the things I was thinking about was how Myles Brand has pancreatic cancer. That’s like a death sentence when you get it.
Well, I had this great idea.
What do you have to do to run for NCAAP president because I’m very interested!
I only got arrested and am doing time for DUI and driving on a suspended license so you could trust me with those millions of dollars.
I’ve got a pretty good lawyer too, so he should be able to give me a LOT better advice than Mr Brands have given him. As a matter of fact, my lawyer told me not to say that I don’t recognize Georgia DUI laws. The judge was pissed about that one.

Well, I’ll just wait for you to fill me in on all the requirements.
Lord knows I’ve got the time for that.

Lemual in Ludowici

A: I doubt very seriously you could do any worse than what we have now….
I support your candidacy Lemual…..
I will get those requirements to you as soon as I can…

Q: Hey there young Man!
I am 87 years young…
And I live at the Sunset Rest Retirement Village here in Tallahassee.
All of us enjoy your college football website and love catching up on all the various stories you write.
When we aren’t reading your column we enjoy the many activities they have for us here.
Most all of us go to the recreation area and exercise while watching “Sweating it Down with Coach Bobby B.” That darn Coach Bowden even talks us through some kind of dance they call “Popping and Locking”, I believe it’s something they call “break dancing”.
Anyway, It’s time for exercise class…..
Thanks Again!
William – Tallahassee, Florida

A: Thank you for the kind letter….
But I feel obligated to say this…
William at your age you don’t want to do any dance with the word “Break” in it…
And as a side note….
“Popping and Locking” may very well lead to “Cracking and Snapping”….

Q: Dear Sir
I am most distressed, as are my colleagues, at your apparent lack of sensitivity and understanding concerning the complexities of governing student athletes and the respective institutions they represent.
As a Professor in Government in one of the most prestigious universities in the world, I feel compelled to extend the hand of knowledge and assist you in your quest for answers.
You must first understand that the NCAA, as well as the NAACP, is concerned first and foremost with education and understanding.
Without a dream you cannot achieve….
Dr. Willis – Harvard, Massachusetts

A: What’ you talkn’ bout Willis?

Q: Mike, Is it true that you are up for some kind of award this year for sports writing?
Is it the coveted Collard Greens Award given out each year by the Agricultural Extension Office in Beautiful Demopolis Alabama?
Barbara – Comanche, Texas

A: Thank you for asking Barbara and for plugging the fine folks at the Agricultural Extension Office in Beautiful Demopolis Alabama.
I will need all the help I can get this year to be considered for their prestigious award.
However…..
I am also up for another little known award in sports writing this year as well….
Due in large part to our current economy owing astronomical amounts of money to the Chinese I am currently eligible for the coveted Beijing Laughing Monkey Award in Sports Writing.
Which is nice….

Q: Mike, is there a difference between a Georgia Tech cheerleader and a pig?
Stan – Athens, Georgia

A: Yes there is Stan:
Midnight blue eye shadow, lip gloss and black and gold painted toe nails.

Q: Dear Sir,

I am a huuuuuuuge Flarda fan as you may know by some letters I wrote to you a couple of weeks ago.
I just read in the paper where they made Clempson skip a couple of practices because they was wearing some kind of girdle things instead of regular shorts to practice in.
I was just thinking, if they can do that, can they take away some of our wins if we keep wearing our blue jean short Daisy Dukes? I hope not.
Those things are just so comfortable.
I mean the fastest way to a man’s mullet is through our jeans shorts!!!
Have a great Gator day, ya’ll!!!

Tracey in Homassassa

A: Tracey are you sure you don’t live in Baneberry Tennessee?
Just asking….

Q: Dear Sir
Many like minded people, like me were most upset with your latest article concerning having an “Invocation” before a college football game.
You simply don’t understand the basis of why this isn’t acceptable any longer.
Having an Invocation before a college football game may make some people feel uncomfortable; that is why it’s against the law.
Do you understand?
Regina – Los Angeles, California

A: Well Regina….
People farting in an elevator make me feel “uncomfortable”…
So why don’t we make that against the damn law too?

Q: My name Ding Dung and I son of Anh Dung write you last week.
You no make the fun of my father, he no joke about Navy mascot!
NCAA need to change Navy Academy Goat mascot, it look too much like Ho Chi Minh!
Communism bad!
Here we have QVC channel and Nagahide couches!

I also remind honorable father that Academy Air Force mascot need change too.
Falcon bird look like fighter bomber, make us feel bad all over again.
Air Force drop many bombs on Vietnam and make us run very fast when they fly in, just like falcon mascot.
Ding Dung – San Francisco, California

PS: My sister want NCAA address too.
She want Army Academy mascot change.
Army mule look like honorable grandmother. Hurt too much to look at.

A: When I read “Ding Dung”…I immediately thought…”Who’s there?”

EDITORS NOTE: Who says I don’t have international appeal?

Q: Mike, I have a question for you….
Where can you find lingerie for a pig?
Mindy – La Grange, Georgia

A: Fredericks of Auburn

Q: Mike, Who do you think will take the coveted Ivy League crown this year?
Will it be Harvard, Princeton or Yale?
Thanks!
Chip – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: Actually I think…..
You are all a bunch of rich Yankee jackasses and I hope you all lose.
Does that answer your question?

Q: Dude you are being to hard on the boys from Southern California!
You need to let it go over Brother Reggie!
Southern California Rules!
Can’t you figure that out by now?
Jerri – Temecula, California

A: I tell you what I do have figured out…
You can’t spell “Scandal” without the SC……
And you can’t spell Sucks without the USC….

Only 20 days left until kickoff…
Your first week’s picks are right around the corner…

More next week, so stay tuned……

Before I forget….
Congratulations to the Families of Derrick Thomas and Bullet Bob Hayes….
It’s about damn time…..

RTR
MEB

But much like the infomercials of our day…
“There is more…..”

Much more…..

Take for example Reggie’s cover of “DUB” magazine…

This beautiful black on black fully restored 1996 Chevrolet Impala SS….
Was purchased for Reggie by New Era Sports in early 2005 while he was still a student athlete at U$C….

Reggie even stated in the article that the sound system was “Off the hook….”
I bet that cost a pretty penny….

Yet U$C and Reggie say that he (Reggie) purchased the automobile while he was a student athlete attending U$C….
Yet he can’t seem to produce a receipt or remember where it was purchased…

All of that is probably hard to remember…
Since Reggie didn’t have a job during the entire time he was at U$C…..

If you think I am wrong……
Then why did Reggie sell “his baby” immediately after the story broke….

EDITORS NOTE: Look at the bright side Trojan fans…
It’s a good thing Reggie didn’t sell a text book while he was a student athlete….
Or he could have gotten into some real trouble with the NCAA.

RTR
MEB

Much like last week, your Weekly College Football Picks will be in two installments with the “early” games being presented during the middle of the week and the Saturday Games coming your way on Friday evening.

You wonder why I was bragging last week with picking a blistering 91% of the games?

Easy….
Because, last week I finished at 37 and 8 or 82%.
But along with the drop in my weekly percentage, I ALSO Picked UCLA over BYU…

And of course…
UCLA Lost by the biggest margin since 1929….
Since 1929?

Yes…”that” 1929.
The same year that Bobby Bowden graduated College….

Anyway..That leaves us at 142 and 24 for the season or a rather impressive 86% (All things considered)

Be sure and check back on Friday…
We have the Florida – Tennessee Game…
Georgia and Arizona State…
Alabama and Arkansas and others…

See you all on Friday….

Enjoy your Picks!

THE GAMES

Wednesday September 17th

Kansas State at Louisville
The Once Mighty Cardinals have already been beaten once this year by some Wildcats…
Make it twice…
WILDCATS 33-17

Thursday September 18th

West Virginia at Colorado
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That’s right I said it……
BUFFALOS 28-24

EDITORS NOTE: I want to assure my beloved readers that I am not picking the Colorado Buffalos because my sister-in-law will be leading the team onto the field to start the game.

We are however glad she has a “Job”…Even if it’s seasonal.

Friday September 19th

Baylor at Connecticut
UPSET SPECIAL PART II !!!!!!!!!!!!
Before you ask….
NO I am Not DRINKING!
BEARS 23-17

Stay Tuned…More this Friday

RTR
MEB