It’s time to catch up on the latest news from around the College Football World.
I have added a few extra segments for your viewing pleasure as well.

Why? Because I care

Enjoy…

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS

BOISE STATE: The latest news from Boise Idaho “Home of Famous Potatoes” is that the Broncos and their hideous Blue football field are on probation by the NCAA for the following:
“secondary violations, which were initially found by BSU’s compliance staff and self-reported to the NCAA, and stems from 63 incoming players receiving impermissible benefits that totaled just over $4,900. The benefits involved, the school stated in its official response to the NCAA inquiry, “impermissible housing, transportation or meals, where an incoming student-athlete was provided a place to sleep (often on a couch or floor), a car ride or was provided free food by an existing student-athlete.”
The “services” rendered ranged from $2.34 to $417.55.
All $4,934 has been reimbursed by the five dozen or so players involved.

EDITORS NOTES: O’ MY GOD! Almost $4,934 between 63 athletes!
That comes to OVER $78.00 PER athlete!
I recommend they all be taken out and shot at sunset by the NCAA that will send a message!

AUBURN: Accused Toomer Tree poisoner Harvey Updike will now be charged with 6 additional Federal charges to go along with the litany of state and local charges awaiting him for poisoning the beloved trees on Toomer’s Corner.
I know this is quite the “hot button” issue for Auburn fans.
So let me be sure I have this right.
You can kill a child or a baby in Auburn or even a college student and there isn’t any uproar or Federal Charges or cries of “Hang Him High!” But the same trees that were adorned with Toilet paper after Barak Obama’s 2008 election get poisoned and there are Federal Charges?

EDITORS NOTE: The sad part about all this is…..
I’m right

AUBURN PART II: Part of the brain trust of last year’s national championship Tiger’s team also known as the “Dumbass Four” have been indicted this past week by a Lee County Alabama Grand Jury for armed robbery.
The four Auburn players Antonio Goodwin, Shaun Kitchens, Mike McNeil and Dakota Mosley are due to be arraigned in Circuit Court on May 26th. All four players were immediately dismissed from the team by Coach Gene Chizik after Auburn Trustee Bobby Lowder called Coach Chizik and told him to dismiss them all from the team immediately.

EDITORS NOTE: What? No Federal Charges? Good thing they didn’t poison any trees.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Last week it was reported by the Los Angeles Times that Southern California Trojan Coach Lane Kiffin had his head removed from his posterior in a lengthy surgical procedure performed at Mount Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles.

Unfortunately the above story is incorrect.

The Doctor’s at Mount Sinai….
Removed a shoe from Coach Kiffin’s posterior believed to have belonged to Al Davis.
I hope this cleared up any misunderstanding.

SOUTH CAROLINA: As you may have read Coach Steve “Tough on Crime” Spurrier indefinitely suspended (for the fifth time) Gamecock quarterback Stephen “I ain’t got no drinking problem” Garcia for showing up at a University Life Skills class so drunk he couldn’t hit the ground with his hat.

EDITORS NOTE: Coach Steve if you keep letting these players back on the team after you “indefinitely suspend” them, then I am going to start calling you “Coach Steve Fulmer” and the University of South Carolina: The University of Tennessee at Columbia Campus.

Just so you know.

MICHIGAN: In an effort to rid the campus of bad memories and what has been described as “bad karma” the University of Michigan athletic department has petitioned for the removal of the “Skank-a-saurus” display from the University Anthropology Department.

This display was named for Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” and has remained a cornerstone on the campus since Coach Rich Rod’s arrival to Ann Arbor.

The head of the Anthropology Department Dr. Derek Dingus Ph.D had this to say about the issue: “I understand the athletic departments concerns and we will gladly comply with their wishes. Frankly we didn’t want the damn thing here in the first place. We only named the paleontology display after Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” after the athletic department asked us too. I am glad the whore and her idiot husband left town. She always smelled like a ten dollar hooker that wandered into a Huddle House at six o’clock in the morning.”

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t know how or why you are familiar with that particular smell Doctor, but eloquently and accurately put nonetheless.

OHIO STATE: Let me be sure I have this right…….
So the Head Coach knew his players were violating NCAA rules, right?
The players knew they were violating NCAA rules, right?
And everybody knows the violation of such rules makes them all ineligible, right?
Yet they don’t have to forfeit any wins?
Not even the Sugar Bowl Trophy or a share of the Big Ten Title?

EDITORS NOTE:I have NO idea why I think the NCAA enforcement committee is prejudice against the South.
Must just be my overactive imagination, you think?

NCAA: Recently a “mock” infractions and appeals board was held for the benefit of the new NCAA President Mark Emmert. After the daylong meeting, meant to explain the NCAA process of infractions, investigations and the appeals process to the new president, the president of the NCAA had this to say at the end of the conference.
“The process is so complicated and has so many layers; it was too confusing to understand”

EDITORS NOTE: Let me simplify this for you Mr President.
If you are a College that resides in the South, Southwest or to a lesser degree the Midwest, then you are automatically guilty. Those teams residing above the Ohio River or west of the Rocky Mountains are presumed innocent. Please see Ohio State above for a ready point of reference.

*Noted exceptions to the above rule governing the South are those individuals who can pay and or bargain their way out of an investigation i.e. Roy Kramer, Bobby Lowder and John “Thunder” Thornton and Fat Phil Fulmer.

MINNESOTA: With all the stories about college athletes selling memorabilia and autographs for tattoos and other athletes getting “indefinitely suspended” only to be brought back to the team time and time again, it’s refreshing to know there are other athletes out there who are working hard just to get an opportunity to play college football.

One such walk-on athlete is doing just that for the Golden Gophers this year.
His name is Curran Delany and he is a Marine.
I hope new Gopher Head Coach Jerry Kill will give Curran an opportunity to play.
He damn sure earned it.

RUTGERS: Breaking News!
The Scarlett Knight football program still isn’t important.

INDIANA: Please see the above message and substitute Hoosiers for Scarlett Knights.

THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE DEPARTMENT (DOJ): Although I view this term as an oxymoron in this particular instance I find myself coming to their defense.
Recently the Department of Justice (No Pun intended) held a hearing with the NCAA to determine “why there isn’t a college football playoff for Division I schools”.

Clearly the news media outlets have done a great injustice to the Department of Justice (No Pun intended). What do I mean by that statement?

The news outlets continue to report of crime and threats of terrorism (Can we still use that word anymore? Sorry), revolution and world turmoil and I am suppose to believe that with the world spinning off its axis the only thing the Department of Justice (No Pun intended) is interested in is a damn college football playoff?

Say it isn’t so?

After all that isn’t even their job, right?

I thought they were supposed to be catching “bad guys”.

So surely the news media outlets have to be wrong, right?

Because there already is a playoff system for Division I College Football, it’s called the regular season. The Oregon Ducks are traveling to Death Valley to take on the Mighty LSU Tigers to start the season. After The Oklahoma Sooners destroy Tulsa they are playing Florida State and after the Ohio State Buckeyes finish their “Beat every small college in Ohio” Tour they will eventually square off against the Hurricanes of Miami.
The season is supposed to be about playing out of conference opponents of substance and then winning your conference. Not playing a college known more for taxidermy than for offensive linemen and counting that as a “Big Win”.

So either the news media outlets are all wrong (Which is entirely possible) or we have a bunch of gibbering idiots running the Department of Justice (Which is also entirely possible).

In retrospect I would say it’s a tossup.

STATUES and LEGENDS

Much has been made by the national sports media of the statues of college football legends being erected on campus’s in the South. Let me make this real simple so maybe (just maybe) even the folks at Sports Illustrated will understand it.

At the University of Florida the bronze likenesses of Steve Spurrier, Danny Wuerffel and Tim Tebow will always be Legends of the Fall and there isn’t anything or anyone can say to change that. The memories of their accomplishments on and off the field will last for generations.

In Austin Texas there is only one Earl Christian Campbell and a bronze likeness of him is in Darrell Royal Memorial Stadium. No one will forget Earl, not now, not ever.

In Tallahassee a bronze statue of Seminole Coach Bobby Bowen stands outside the stadium pointing to the end zone, the retirement home or the restrooms, no one is quite sure.
But to Florida State fans everywhere there will always be love and admiration for Saint Bobby.

At the University of Alabama all of the Head Football Coaches who have coached one of the Thirteen National Championship teams are represented near the stadium with a statue. The latest addition is Coach Nick Saban who coached the 2009 National Championship team.
The players, the coaches, and the victories from those championships will be remembered forever.

On the campus of Auburn University the three Tiger Heisman trophy winners are all represented with newly erected statues outside Jordan-Hare Stadium. There is the great quarterback Pat Sullivan and the one and only Bo Jackson as well as a statue of recent Heisman trophy winner Cam Newton. However fans may see a difference in how these particular statues are configured. While the bronze statues of Pat Sullivan and Bo Jackson are bolted into the concrete foundation, the statue of Cam Newton is on wheels; at least until the NCAA investigation is completed.

CONFERENCE REALIGNMENTS PART I

My friends I understand and I feel your pain.
Conference Realignments are confusing and oftentimes disturbing.
Over the next several weeks up until the opening kickoff of the 2011 Season I will attempt to provide you (My Loyal readers) some insight and logic into this process.

THE BIG TEN?

Let us first take a look at what was the “Big Ten” with twelve teams……
There are more than ten teams in the “Big Ten” yet they still call themselves the “Big Ten”.

EDITORS NOTE: Please don’t be surprised if the lack of simple math skills displayed by the “Big Ten” conference administration doesn’t permeate throughout the various student bodies rendering our future leaders the inability to perform even the simplest additions and deductions.

This may explain where our current Government leaders came from.

The “Big Ten” then took another step……
Rather than naming their respective divisions within the conference “East or West” or “North or South”, which makes perfect sense, they decided to confuse the issue further by naming their divisions “Legends and Leaders”.

EDITORS NOTES: If your “Gay-Dar” went off when you read that you aren’t alone…..

“Legends and Leaders”, What the Hell does that mean?

How about Liars and Losers? That would have been more accurate, don’t you think?

In coming weeks we will discuss how Colorado is on the Pacific and Forth Worth Texas is really in the Big East. Confusing? You bet it is!
That is why I hope to have Rand McNally as a guest on the program to help break this all down for you, geographically speaking.

COACH’S CORNER

Coach’s Speak: College football coaches speak a different language that is oftentimes difficult to understand, particularly if you are not use to hearing it.
No need to worry, that’s why I am here.

In this brief segment I will interpret what Coach’s say and what they mean.

When a College Football Coach Says: “It is taking him a while to learn the system”

The Coach means: “That boy is dumber than a sack of horse turds”

When a College Football Coach Says: “We have the highest graduation rate in the conference”

The Coach means: “My ass is getting ready to be fired”

When a College Football Coach Says: “We do not have a disciple problem on this football team”

The Coach means: “I have one Hell of a disciple problem on this football team”

Where are they now?

For those Loyal Michigan Wolverine Fans who are missing good ole Coach Rich Rod, I want to assure you that he is doing just fine. Currently he is playing with his Hasbro Electric Football Game in his Mom’s basement and designing various plays while awaiting a call from what he described as “a big time school”. Good Luck Coach! And as a side note, I hope those hair plugs have finally blended in.

His wife “Rita Rod” and one time Ambassador for the University of Michigan Wolverines is scheduled to appear on the latest installment from VH1 entitled “Bret Michaels and the Rock of Skanks III”

VIDEO VAULT

I often read commentaries from “sports writers” on how passionate college football fans are in the South and specifically the Southeastern Conference Fans. They will occasionally make fun of our traditions and even our fans. While most of them have never attended a game outside of Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, yet they come off as “experts” in all things related to the South.

Now I will be the first to tell you that I have had a couple of closer encounters of the third kind in Neyland Stadium and I have had my issues with some fans and students within the Southeastern Conference but I have rarely (if ever) seen such “Sportsmanship” exhibited from fans of a second tier school in a third tier conference.

Watch at your own risk (or as much as you dare) and stay Classy Tucson……

Click here to view the embedded video.

EDITORS NOTE: As a safety tip for those fans that conduct yourselves in this manner…..
IF you act like this in Death Valley on a Saturday night, you just might find yourself in pot of Gumbo….

New Programs on A&E Fall of 2011

It’s time for a shameless plug for my favorite network….
There will be a plethora of new programs coming your way this fall on the A&E Network, other than my personal favorite “Dog the Bounty Hunter” (I love those guys)

“Columbus Ink” follows the hilarious high jinks of some fictional athletes in Columbus Ohio who sell autographs and various personal athletic memorabilia for a variety of tattoos and piercings all in an effort to look cool and hip. Managing all the while to stay one step ahead of the “Investigators”!

The NCAA calls the new program” witty and engaging” and “laugh out loud funny”.

In fact the new program has generated so much buzz and excitement there is already a “spin-off” program being developed. It’s rumored to be entitled “Liar Liar Pants on Fire” and this program follows the miss-steps and misadventures of the kooky fictional coach of the athletes in Columbus Ink.

He dresses like a librarian with little round glasses and even with his innocent looks he is constantly running around telling “little white lies” trying to keep his players out of trouble and keeping their kooky shenanigans away from the “Investigators”.
His catch phrase is (while shaking his index finger in the air)……
“You GUYS! What am I going to do with you?”

The Columbus Dispatch calls the rumored program “embarrassingly funny!”

EDITORS NOTE: The original movie produced by A&E “Take the Money and Run: The Cam Newton Story” will be seen later in the fall lineup, as they are awaiting the final report on the NCAA Investigation to provide what the network calls “a tragic ending”.

There will be much more in the coming weeks to include…..

An Exclusive Interview with last season’s Heisman Trophy winner and Carolina Panthers Number One Draft Pick Cam Newton.

Email Questions and Answers

Hootie Snitch gives his predictions on this season

You College Football Preseason Extravaganza
And Much More….
So Stay Tuned….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Well my friends it’s the last official week of the 2010 College Football Season…..
It’s been a wild year…..

This year has had more surprises than a birthday party at a schizophrenic’s house
And it’s been just as crazy.

Nobody guessed Auburn and Oregon in the BCS Title game…
(Certainly not yours truly)

And I couldn’t imagine the Texas Longhorns not being in a Bowl game….
Or Coach Meyer leaving Gainesville…..

College Football is a lot like life and I suppose that’s one of the reasons we love it.
Each season and each game brings new hope….
It brings the occasional joy and disappointment…..
It makes us happy and it should make us humble….

The 2010 College Football Season is coming to a close…..

But have no fear my dear readers….
We will have the Prognostications on the College Bowl Season….
As well as season ending Awards and a “special” Christmas message from…
The Number One Tennessee Fan on the Planet: Hootie Snitch

And just maybe a Christmas story or two…..

There is more on the way so stay tuned….

Enjoy Your Picks…

Breaking College Football News

Over the years, many of you have inquired about…..
“Whatever happened to Little David Wilkins” also known as the “King of All Tavern Music“.
Certainly his hugely popular self-titled album (known to all)…..
“Little David Wilkins: The King of all Tavern Music“….
Surpassed even the Bee Gees in select accordion polka markets in the 1970’s…..

Although snubbed by the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame….
I’m sure you all know he transformed the music industry and his soothing sounds are a staple in taxi cabs and elevators from Cleveland Ohio to Terre Haute Indiana.

I am sad to report the mystery of his disappearance has been solved.

Evidence has surfaced that former Tennessee football coach Phil Fulmer ate “Little David Wilkins” on a Ritz cracker on a dare at a party at his house in Maryville Tennessee in the spring of 1997.
The evidence recovered consisted of a shoe reportedly belonging to “Little David”, a belt buckle and his personalized genuine mother of pearl accordion.

The evidence was recovered during a routine colonoscopy conducted on Phil Fulmer in December of this year. Also found in Phil Fulmer’s large intestine, but not related to this investigation was a bumper from a 1971 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme.

The investigation is ongoing and as of yet, there are no reported arrests.

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Minus this week’s selections…….
Your Favorite College Prognosticator finished the 2010 College Football Season….
595 and 148 or an above average 80% for the entire year…

Not too bad all things considered….

But I know what you are saying about last week…..
I shouldn’t have picked Mercy Me this close to Christmas to beat a Sheppard….
And I know….
The Mules went down and the Fighting Okra didn’t get fried…..
And I certainly didn’t think the South Carolina Gamecocks would forget how to tackle…

But sometimes…….
Even I miss one or two or three……

EMAIL LETTERS OF THE WEEK

Q: Mister Wizard I have a question for the Holidays that I hope you can answer..
In the comedy classic movie “Bettlejuice”….
If someone said his name three times in succession Beetlejuice himself would appear.
During the Christmas season, if someone says “Ho-Ho-Ho”….
Does that mean Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife Rita Rod will suddenly show up?

GO BUCKS
Steve – Columbus, Ohio

A: Good question Steve…..
Fortunately for the rest of us that “curse”…..
Only applies to those schools residing within the Big Ten.

Q: Mister Wizard I saw something a week ago I couldn’t believe.
I was surfing through some channels trying to find a college football game….
And O’ My God…..
I saw some female cheerleaders on the sidelines and they looked like they were the off-spring of a romance between the Navy Midshipmen Goat mascot and the Oregon State Beaver mascot.
I have never seen such crossed eyed buck toothed girls in my entire life.
I swear one of them even had chin whiskers.

Rob – Pensacola, Florida

A: The game you are referring to Rob….
Would be the Notre Dame – Southern California game.
If it makes you feel any better, you are not the only one that has had that type of reaction to seeing the Notre Dame Cheerleaders. Those girls could floss with a number two pencil.

Q: Mister Wizard…….
My Beloved Longhorns aren’t going to a Bowl Game this year….
And to be honest…
I wouldn’t care if they were going to the Turkey Testicle Bowl and playing a damn team from the Taxidermy Academy. I just wanted to see them play one more time….
Now I have to take my damn family to the movies and see some Harry Potter whatever….
How many of those Harry Potter movies are they going to make anyway?
Thanks for letting me vent…

Terry – Austin, Texas

A: To my knowledge Terry, there is yet one more planned installment to the Harry Potter “series”. It’s called “Harry Potter and the Magical Curse of the Nursing Home”

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“Just so’s you know……
I still ain’t over the Iron Bowl: Not by a damn sight”

EDITORS NOTE: I feel you brother…

THE PICKS

Friday December 10th

New Hampshire at Delaware
I like the motto of New Hampshire….
“Live Free or Die”
But I am going with the cold chickens in this one…
BLUE HENS 34-24

Saturday December 11th

Villanova at Appalachian State
Little known fact…..
“Villanova” spelled backwards is Latin for…..
“I like to smell my hands after I scratch my butt”
Which is disgusting…
MOUNTAINEERS 28-24

Georgia Southern at Wofford
I cannot in good conscience pull for a school named after a pesky cough
Especially during cold and flu season…..
EAGLES 24-17

Alabama State at Texas Southern
I do love those Hornets from Alabama…..
But the Tigers have the “Motion of the Ocean Soul Marching Band”
And before you ask…
Yes that matters in this selection…
TIGERS in MOTION 33-24

North Dakota State at Eastern Washington
The Bison have beaten the big boys this year and continued to roll….
While the Eagles have just gotten by….
Plus I really like Bison Burgers from Ted’s Montana Grill….
So there you have it..
BISONS 43-24

Army at Navy
There is no finer game in all of College Football…..
The sportsmanship….
The intensity….
The dedication and determination…
There is no controversy about somebody’s daddy getting the academy to “pay” for their son’s services; these sons will soon be paying for their service to their country.
It’s all on display….
Enjoy college football in its purest form…..
MIDSHIPMEN 28-21

The Division II Semi-Final Games…..

Sheppard at Delta State
I know I shouldn’t pick against the Sheppard’s this close to Christmas….
But I’m an Okra Man…..
(In case you were wondering I prefer it fried)
FIGHTING OKRA 28-24

Northwest Missouri at Minnesota Duluth
I know the James – Younger Boys didn’t fair too well on their last trip to Minnesota
I am going with an upset in this one….
MO’S WEST 33-28

In the coming weeks, we will have a variety of Bowl predictions to include…..
The National Championship Game

A very “special” Christmas message by Hootie Snitch….
And More….
So stay tuned…

Enjoy Your Games

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Before we get into this week’s selections…..
I would like to “thanks” in no particular order:

The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
The Minnesota O’ so very Golden Gophers
Coach Drooley and the Tennessee Volunteers
Zippy the Akron Kangaroo and the entire football coaching staff at West Point….

For completely screwing up Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator’s weekly average
and sending your fans into fits of rage while dashing for the liquor cabinet.

I hope you’re happy….

But certainly this past week wasn’t all frustration and consternation….
The West Virginia Mountaineers….
Scored 15 points in the final two minutes of the game with Marshall
to win the “The Friends of Coal Bowl” and the Governors Cup.

The Mighty Air Force Falcons carpet bombed the Cougars of BYU…..

And Reggie Bush was forced to return the Heisman Trophy….
No need to thank me for that one folks…..
It’s how I roll……

Enjoy your picks…..

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a disappointing 61 and11 or 85% for the second week of the season.
That leaves us at 133 and 21 or 86% after only two weeks.
Like I said last week….
This is no time to panic; there is a lot of football to be played, so let’s get to the picks

THE PICKS

Thursday September 16th

Cincinnati at North Carolina State
I have a “gut feeling” about this game….
I just hope it’s not gas….
WOLFPACK 28-24

Concordia Selma at Carson Newman
I don’t know about Concordia, but I think I knew her brother Tommy…
That Tommy Selma was tougher than a pine knot….
Which of course has nothing what so ever to do with this pick….
SPARKS EAGLES 33-17

Friday September 17th

Kansas at Southern Miss
Call me crazy if you want too….
It’s nothing I haven’t already heard from mental health professionals
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

California at Nevada
Honestly I would watch this game…..
But the Animal Planet is having a “special” documentary on the Armadillo entitled
“The Armadillo: Natures little tank or possum on the half shell?”
GAYLORD THE BEAR 33-24

Saturday September 18th

Connecticut at Temple
This little known rivalry in the northeast is played for the coveted…
“Hoobastank Trophy”…
Not really, but it’s a fun word to say isn’t it?
HUSKIES 28-24

Muhlenberg at Susquehanna
Now I know what you are thinking….
Can the German girl take Susie after last week’s tussle with Juanita….
I believe she can, I heard she was a former East German shot putter
MULE GIRL 24-17

Northern Illinois at Illinois
The “Fighting Illini” continue their “brutal” out of conference schedule..
By beating the living hell out of junior colleges and technical schools within their own state.
PUMPKINS’ O’ FIGHTING 34-17

Maryland at West Virginia
I would have a lot more faith in the Fighting Terrapins if they had a really cool mascot…
Say like “The Turtle Man” as seen in the video below….
Before you ask…Yes, He is real….
But until Maryland hires him it’s time to light those couches…
MOUNTAINEERS 33-27

Click here to view the embedded video.

Arkansas at Georgia
This game features the “Hawgs and Dawgs”
Reminds me of my favorite German Ice Cream….
DAWGS 20-17

Ohio at Ohio State
Coach Frank’s Bobcats of Ohio will keep this one close…..
Right up until the time the Ohio State Marching Band….
Which of course is “The Best Damn Band in the Land”… “Dots the I”…..
Then it’s all…..
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 41-10

North Texas at Army

EDITORS COMMENTARY:
The Army coaching staff should be thankful we live in the “everybody’s a winner” society, were “trying hard” and “giving a good effort” is as important as winning.
Because if it were up to me; I would have fired everyone of their collective ass’s after last weeks game.
A blind chimpanzee with half a damn banana could motivate a team better than these dumbasses.
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 28-24

Iowa State at Kansas State
This rivalry is known as “Farmageddon”…..
(Yes I’m serious)
It’s like Armageddon, only these use combines and tractors…
WILDCATS 24-10

Georgia Tech at North Carolina
The question this week at the “Varsity”…
(Which is only home to the World’s Greatest Chili Dogs…. )
Can Tech bounce back from the Rambling Wreck in Lawrence Kansas?
No, not this week, is the appropriate answer…
TAR HEELS 24-21

Massachusetts at Michigan
Coach Rod and the Wolverines continue their “tough” out of conference schedule this week
But they had better not be looking ahead…
The Keebler Elves are coming to Ann Arbor next Saturday….
WOLVERINES 44-10

EDITORS NOTE: It has been brought to my attention that I have been “unduly harsh” in my treatment of Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”. So let me say this….
When reporting that Rita attended a “Maze and Blue” alumni fund raiser recently wearing nine inch clear plastic stripper shoes I didn’t mean to imply that she was dressed like an old worn out stripper.
I meant to say, the Maze and Blue fund raiser must have been located near the airport…
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding…

Ball State at Purdue
Didn’t David Letterman go to Ball State?
Yeah, that isn’t going to make any difference here…
BOILERMAKERS 31-17

Juniata at Ursinus
Juanita is still bruised up from her tussle last week with Susquehanna…
And I understand Ursinus has a urinary infection
So I have to go with…
J-LO 28-23

Kent State at Penn State
So the “Golden Flashes” are coming to Jo Pa’s House….
There are SO many things I could say here….
But out of respect for Jo Pa, I won’t….
NITTANY LIONS 38-14

Delta State at Valdosta State
I have always been a fan of the Blazers…
But I am a Fighting Okra man….
I like it fried, boiled and pickled….
But I’m not a big fan of Okra Winfrey
BLAZERS 33-28

Vanderbilt at Ole Miss
The Commodores will keep this one closer than you might think…
A lot closer…
REBELS 24-21

Jacksonville State at Georgia State
I wouldn’t bet against these Roosters if they were playing the Dallas Cowboys
GAMECOCKS 34-17

East Carolina at Virginia Tech
Maybe it’s just me…
But the Hokies don’t seem to have the same fire since they lost their Wangs
HOKIE POKEY 31-24

EDITORS NOTE: Of course I am talking about….
The loss of Ed Wang and his brother from the defensive front of the Hokies;
What did you think I was talking about?

Brigham Young at Florida State
The Cougars will encounter a strange new phenomena in Tallahassee this Saturday
which will be their demise in this game, it’s called…..“Humidity”
JIMBO’S NOLES 34-24

Colorado State at Miami (OH)
Although Miami of Ohio doesn’t have any palm trees….
It is known as the Cradle of Coaches…
That’s good enough for me…
REDHAWKS 23-17

Air Force at Oklahoma
I was very proud of the Falcons for upsetting the Cougars last week…
But I am afraid they are outmatched in this one…
BOOMER SOONERS 43-21

Southern California at Minnesota
The “Not so” Golden Gophers lost last week to a High School team from South Dakota…
Sooooooooooo……..
LAME CHEATERS 6-3

Florida at Tennessee
Not that it’s all that important here, but Peyton Manning never beat the Gators
I just thought it was worth mentioning….
MIGHTY GATORS 24-17

Arizona State at Wisconsin
The Devils of the Sun…..
Cannot stand up to the Power of Processed Cheese Whiz
BADGERS 28-24

Defiance at Hanover
I have a question…
What is “defiance” so angry about?
They should take a tip from Okra Winfrey….
They don’t have to be angry and defiant “all the time”
HANDY HANOVER 23-10

Washington State at Southern Methodist
Coach June’s Ponies will be ready to ride this Saturday in Big D….
Believe it…
And just for the record it’s still Ownby Stadium to me….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-17

North Carolina Central at Appalachian State
The Mountaineers came back from a four touchdown deficit against Chattanooga to win
Make no mistake…
The Mountaineers are for real…
MOUNTAINEERS 38-10

Hawaii at Colorado
The Warriors from the Land of Rainbow Bright…
Would fair a lot better in this game if they had Dog the Bounty Hunter on the sidelines…
BUFFALOS 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the A&E Network on Wednesday nights, check your local listings for times in your area.

Alabama at Duke
The Blue Devils will have a few tricks up their sleeves on Saturday…
But they are still going to get their asses kicked…
CRIMSON TIDE 38-17

Nebraska at Washington
The Huskies have a great history, with a great coaching staff and a fine young quarterback…
In fact I still love the great Coach James….
But the Huskers have the Black Shirts…
Sorry…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 24-17

Troy at UAB
The Men of Troy gave the Oklahoma State Cowboys all they could handle last week…
They are more than up to the task this week in this instate tussle…
MEN OF TROY 33-28

Central Michigan at Eastern Michigan
I have been corrected……
The term “Chippewa’s” does not refer to “Two Utes” in the Native American Language as I erroneously reported last week.
It actually means an ingrown hair. As in….
“If you shave too close you can get a Chippewa on your face”
Hope that cleared up any misunderstanding…
CHIPPEWAS’ 33-31

Southern Arkansas at North Alabama
I respect any team that calls themselves “The Mule Riders”
But this game is in Lion Country….
MIGHTY LIONS 34-20

Baylor at Texas Christian
The Bears might win this game…….
And Richard Simmons might be heterosexual…..
HORNED FROGS 34-17

Indiana at Western Kentucky
The most interesting thing about this game…….
Isn’t that the Big Ten is coming to Bowling Green…
It’s the fact nobody knows what the hell a Hoosier and a Hilltopper actually is…
HOOSIERS 24-17

Northwestern Oklahoma State at South Dakota
If the Boys from Dakota could knock off a Big Ten team last week….
Then should be able to handle this Tire Alignment Academy from Oklahoma
COYOTES 34-17

Louisville at Oregon State
Much like Ward Cleaver…..
I am all about the Beaver in this one…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: In an effort to keep this a “family friendly” column…
I want the readers to take note that I did not in any way reference either Rosie O’Donnell or Lindsay Lohan in the above pick.
No need to thank me…

Eastern Kentucky at Chattanooga
The Colonels aren’t over their thrashing last week by Coach Strong’s Cardinals
and the Boys from Choo Choo Town are primed and ready….
Also, Chattanooga is the home of the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum, Wall of Remembrance and Gift Shop…..
So there is that….
MIGHTY MOCS 33-24

Duquesne at Delaware
Little known fact….
If you say “Duquesne” after you drank a glass of Buttermilk…
Something gross will fly out of your mouth…
BLUE HENS 28-17

Georgia Southern at Coastal Carolina
I have no idea why the folks from Coastal Carolina….
Decided to name their team the “Chanticleers” ….
But I am pretty sure you need a shot of penicillin to clear it up…..
EAGLES 28-17

Portland State at Oregon
Unfortunately this game conflicts with the VH1 “Behind the Music” Special…..
The Music and Life of Screech from Saved by the Bell….
Set your recorders now….
QUACKERS 63-0

Akron at Kentucky
I have a philosophical question….
Since Akron is known as the “Zippers”…
Is it possible there is a team out there called the “Velcro’s”?
I’m just wondering…
WILDCATS 34-10

Navy at Louisiana Tech
Lately, the Bulldogs of Tech are playing more like the Taco Bell dog..
MIDSHIPMEN 28-21

Middle Tennessee State at Memphis
The Velvet Elvis’s better bring their best game…..
I believe the Blue Raiders are motivated…
BLUE RAIDERS 24-17

Northwestern at Rice
This game will feature some of the highest SAT scores in all of college football…
Yeah, it’s that exciting…
WILDCATS 34-17

Mississippi State at LSU
Nothing says “FIGHT” quite like a game between the “Cats and the Dogs”
This one belongs to Mike….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-17

Marshall at Bowling Green
Last week Doc Holiday and the Thundering Herd…
Were two minutes away from beating the Mountaineers of West Virginia….
They won’t need those two minutes this week…
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-17

Tulsa at Oklahoma State
I don’t want to think about the “Prairie Wind” touching a Golden Hurricane..
It makes me feel icky…
COWBOY UP! 38-17

Florida International at Texas A&M
I don’t know how “International” the boys from Florida are…..
Unless their school is close to Epcot Center, then I guess that counts for something…
Right?
GIG EM AGGIES 43-10

Central Florida at Buffalo
I know, I know…..
It seems like every time I pick the boys from Disney they lose…
The curse is broken this weekend…
Or I am burning down “It’s a Small World”…..
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 33-28

EDITORS NOTE: If that song is stuck in your head, I apologize….
It hurts me too….

Toledo at Western Michigan
The Rockets don’t have enough fire to be called roman candles, much less rockets…
BRONCOS 28-10

Clemson at Auburn
I wish I had better news for my adopted Clemson family….
But I don’t….
WAR DAMN EAGLE 24-17

Presbyterian at Citadel
I just hope the moral fiber of the cadets from the Military College of South Carolina isn’t tainted by the arrival of bus loads of Blue Ho’s coming to campus.
BULLDOGS 28-17

Furman at South Carolina
If Chewbacca made enough money to have his own college…
Then why call it Furry man? Why not just call it Chewbacca U?
Never mind…
GAMECOCKS 38-10

San Diego State at Missouri
There is a very good reason why the Aztec’s disappeared from civilization…
They played with Tigers….
MO’S TIGERS 44-10

Montana at Eastern Washington
The Grizzles are on a mission after losing in the finals last year…..
Believe it….
GRIZZ 33-10

Maine at Syracuse
If this was a “Who has the ugliest Cheerleaders” contest…
Then it would be one heck of a contest….
OTTO’S ORANGES 17-14

Boise State at Wyoming
Bronco fans should be really encouraged in this game….
I don’t think the Cowboys have beaten Virginia Tech (yet)
Which is nice…
BRONCO’S 43-10

Fresno State at Utah State
Some people think that midgets jousting on burros is cruel and degrading…
I personally think it screams “Pay-Per-View”….
Not that it matters here…
DAWGS 33-31

Utah at New Mexico
I don’t know about you….
But a contest between Utes and Lobos sounds like a Disney cartoon movie to me…
TWO UTES 43-10

Notre Dame at Michigan State
I don’t know what is more disturbing…..
The midget from Notre Dame dressed like a leprechaun….
or their obsession with Golden Gnomes…..
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 27-24

Texas at Texas Tech
I have but one thing to say here….
“Welcome to Texas Tommy….I hope you enjoy your Longhorn ass whipping”
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-24

New Mexico State at UTEP
It just occurred to me…..
“UTEP” is an acronym for a Ute that has to go the bathroom….
AGGIES 23-21

Iowa at Arizona
Remember you heard it here first….
The Eyes of the Hawk will not be stopped…..
Until their meeting in November with the Mighty Buckeyes of Ohio State….
Then it’s anybody’s ball game…
HAWKS EYES 28-17

Houston at UCLA
Despite some key injuries last week, the Cougars are still dangerous…
As in really dangerous…
COUGARS 38-28

Wake Forest at Stanford
This game would be a lot more entertaining for me….
If Jimmy Swaggart was the Demon Deacon mascot….
And after getting all liquored up and having a crying jag at halftime he peed on the Stanford tree mascot.
Now that’s what I call entertainment.

Enjoy your games

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s finally here….
The “official” kickoff to the 2010 College Football Season…

This week we have some instate rivals and border wars….
We have Creampuffs and Wanna-be’s….
And we have a couple of games that will separate the contenders from the pretenders.

The National Anthem is over and the Marching Band is leaving the field…
My friend’s get on your feet, raise your voices in unison and put your hands together..
It’s time for kickoff…

Enjoy your picks…

THE PICKS

Thursday, September 2nd

Florida A&M at Miami
The Rattlers get rattled by a Hurricane…
Then proceed to get the living hell beaten out of them…
HURRICANES 43-14

Towson at Indiana
Don’t the folks from Towson make cookies?
Just wondering….
HOOSIERS 24-10

Shorter at Georgia State
Why are the Panthers starting the season playing a college for midgets?
I have a question: Shorter than what?
PANTHERS 33-23

Presbyterian at Wake Forest
Blue Ho’s and Demon Deacons….
Sounds like a party at Jimmy Swaggart’s house….
DEMON DEACONS 27-17

Hampton at Central Michigan
I didn’t know my favorite hotel chain had a college, who knew?
CHIPPEWAS 44-10

Norfolk State at Rutgers
I am sure my Italian friends in Atlantic City won’t be handicapping this game….
But if the Norfolk Spartans break their point spread they will be handicapped.
(But it will look like an accident)
SCARLET KNIGHTS 43-14

Marshall at Ohio State
This has the potential to be uglier than Prom Night at the school for the Blind
BUCKEYES 41-10

West Chester at Delaware
Why is Chester from “Gunsmoke” playing football?
He is almost as old as Bobby Bowden….
I just hope he doesn’t break a hip
BLUE HENS 38-17

Rockford College at Dubuque
The folks from Rockford call their team the “Regents”
What the hell is scary about that?
“RUN here come the Regents!”
I don’t get it….
DUBUQUE 24-17

Minnesota at Middle Tennessee
The O’ So Golden Gophers….
“The Other White Meat”
GOPHERS OF GOLD 31-28

Henderson State at North Alabama
They call the Henderson State athletic teams the “Reddies”
As in: “Get Ready” for the Lions to whip your ass….
MIGHTY LIONS 34-21

Southern Miss at South Carolina
This game will be closer than you might think…
But the “real” USC’s defense will carry the day
GAMECOCKS 34-17

Northern Illinois at Iowa State
The Huskies will get blown away late in the game by a Cyclone
(Film at Eleven)
CYCLONES 28-24

Southeastern Louisiana at Tulane
I am still not sure what Tulane is referring to by calling themselves the “Green Wave”
It sounds like a Port-O-John Truck turned over on Bourbon Street…
Never Mind…
GREEN WAVE 34-10

Pittsburgh at Utah
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!
So two Utes with Ukulele’s go into to see Bob Uecker, stop me if you’ve heard it
TWO UTES 28-24
EDITORS NOTE:
If Lou Holtz attempts to say the above sentence he will drown Mark May in spit

Eastern Washington at Nevada
The Eagles get plucked by the Wolfpack
(Which I heard hurts terribly)
WOLFPACK 38-10

Bentley at Carson Newman
Why name a university after a car that most people can’t afford?
That’s just stupid…
SPARKS EAGLES 31-17

North Dakota at Idaho
I will really be pulling for the Fighting Sioux in this one…
Because this university hasn’t bowed down at the altar of NCAA political correctness and continues the fight to keep their school mascot and nickname and that is reason alone to love them.
But I believe the folks from Famous potatoes will outdistance the Mighty Sioux in this one
VANDALS 33-28

Southern California at Hawaii
This will be the very “best” game on at 0330 EST Friday Morning
LAME CHEATERS 6-3

Friday, September 3rd

Arizona at Toledo
The rockets will fizzle out like a pack of wet firecrackers before the first quarter…
WILDCATS 24-10

Sacred Heart at Marist
What is soooo “sacred” about their heart?
Talk about arrogant!
Doesn’t matter anyway, that Marist is a fox….
RED FOXES 33-24

Saturday, September 4th

Stony Brook at South Florida
Speaking of Stony Brook….
If you need a getaway or a vacation….
There is no finer place to escape than the Stony Brook Chalets in Gatlinburg.
It doesn’t get any better than that, anywhere and that’s no Bull.
Be sure and tell them Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator sent you
http://www.stonybrookchalets.com/
BULLS 38-10

Tennessee Martin at Tennessee

CORRECTION: The Tennessee Volunteers will NOT be playing against Tee Martin, who quarterbacked their team to the 1998 National Championship. “Tennessee Martin” is a school in the Tennessee University system located in west Tennessee.
I hope this has cleared up any misunderstanding for the Volunteer fan base.
VOWELS 58-10

Samford at Florida State
This will be the first game that Coach Bobby hasn’t been on the Seminole sidelines…
Since the close of the Spanish-American War….
It’s kind of sad really….
NOLES 53-10

Miami (OH) at Florida
This is going to be uglier than Janet Reno in a bikini contest…
Sorry, I kind of threw up a little bit with that one…
MIGHTY GATORS 44-17

Chadron State at Pittsburg State
Finally a team with a mascot that is representative of their Cheerleaders!
GORILLAS 33-21

Western Michigan at Michigan State
Another “big” battle in the State of Michigan…..
And that is exactly why nobody cares….
SPARTANS 34-17

Youngstown State at Penn State
There is NO truth to the rumor that Bobby Bowden will attempt to coach the Penguins this Saturday
in an attempt to “finally” beat Jo Pa.
FEAR THE GLASSES 41-10

Eastern Illinois at Iowa
The Panthers have the same chance of winning this game…
as Rosie O’Donnell does of being a Victoria’s Secret model.
EYES OF THE HAWK 34-3

Louisiana Lafayette at Georgia
U La – La will be getting a rajin’ butt whipping between the hedges, believe it
DAWGS 34-10

Illinois at Missouri
This border clash is known as the “The Arch Rivalry”
MO knows rivalry games….
MO’S TIGERS 31-28

Appalachian State at Chattanooga
The Mighty Moc’s will keep this one close….
Right up until the opening kick-off….
MOUNTAINEERS 43-10

South Carolina State at Georgia Tech
You want to know the best thing about this game?
The stadium is close to the “Varsity” which is only the home of the World’s Best Chili Dogs
YELLOWJACKETS 44-10

Weber State at Boston College
The boys from my favorite outdoor grill college gets smoked on Chestnut Hill….
(Thought that up myself)
EAGLES 44-0

Colorado at Colorado State
I love instate rivalry games early in the season….
The Rocky Mountain Showdown for the coveted Centennial Cup
or as I like to refer to it….
The first nail in Dan Hawkins coaching coffin….
RAMS 33-31

Northwestern State at Air Force
This won’t be the first time the Air Force have bombed a group of Demons…
Nor will it be the last…
FALCONS 34-10

Kentucky at Louisville
The Battle for the Bluegrass and the winner takes home the Governor’s Cup.
Two new coach’s make their debut in one of the biggest games of the year for both teams.
In this game I believe a Joker will beat a Strong deck of Cards…
But not by much…
WILDCATS 24-21

Chowan at Citadel
What in the hell is a Chowan anyway?
Is it a dog, like half Chow half Malamute?
That doesn’t make any sense….
BULLDOGS 28-10

Connecticut at Michigan
Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” has promised to “ugly” the Wolverines to Victory this week
I am not sure what that means, but it makes me nauseous just thinking about it…
WOLVERINES 28-24

Millikin University at Illinois College
Let me be sure I have this right…
So the “Big Blue” is playing against the “Blueboys”
I would be “blue” too if I lived that far north….
BLUE 17-10

Savannah State at Georgia Southern
This is an excellent time to say…
I still miss Erk Russell…..
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-17

Jacksonville State at Ole Miss
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt……
That would be about now…
REBELS 34-10

North Texas at Clemson
“Mean Green” sounds like a kitchen cleanlier to me….
They could come in handy to get the blood off their uniforms after their visit to Death Valley
DABO’S TIGERS 38-17

Western State at Montana
These Mountaineers will most certainly be mauled by the Grizzlies…..
Believe it….
THE GRIZZ 43-10

Coastal Carolina at West Virginia
Smoldering, smoking couches in the morning smells like….
Victory!
Light those couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 53-10

Coe College at Iowa Wesleyan
So “Coe College” is known as the Home of the Kowhawks?
O.k., now people are just making up mascots…
Then what about calling themselves “Cow-Hawks”
It’s a flying cow that is a bird of prey..
It could be very scary if your lactose intolerant and afraid of the bird flu…
Never mind..
COWBIRDS 21-17

UCLA at Kansas State
I would watch this game but…
“Breakin’ 2 Electric Boogaloo” will be on TBS at the same time, sorry.
(It’s going to be shown with limited commercial interruption)
BRUINS 21-17

Purdue at Notre Dame
This instate rivalry game is played for the “Shillelagh Trophy”
Which sounds kind of nasty if you ask me….
FIGHTING IRISH 24-21

EDITORS NOTE: I am just thankful Virginia Tech doesn’t play for something like this, could you imagine the headlines last year? “Hokies Wang waves his Shillelagh”

Texas at Rice
My favorite pudding gets breaded in a stampede…..
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 43-17

New Mexico at Oregon
The “Lobo’s and the Ducks”; this sounds like a Scooby Doo episode…
QUACKERS 5-3

UC Davis at California
I had every intention of watching this game…
But I understand the Food Channel is having a documentary on “The History of Macaroni”
O’ so GOLDEN BEARS 7-3

Azusa Pacific at San Diego
“Azusa” sounds like a fungus, which is gross…
But to be honest “Toreros” doesn’t sound a whole lot better….
I can hear it now..
“Jimmy don’t scratch your Toreros or they will get a Azusa on them…”
Sorry I mentioned it….
TOREROS 17-10

Western Carolina at North Carolina State
I still think a “Catamount” sounds like…
An experiment at the taxidermy academy that went horribly wrong…
WOLFPACK 27-17

Richmond at Virginia
Neither of these teams could beat Southlake Carrollton High School….
So it’s a tossup….
CAVALIERS 21-17

Syracuse at Akron
The “Oranges and Zips”….
This sounds like one of those fruity drinks with an umbrella in it…
That’s about right…
ORANGE 23-21

South Dakota at Central Florida
The Coyotes from South Dakota will be mesmerized by seeing “sunshine” for the first time and be too distracted to play the game, causing an embarrassing delay in the telecast.
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 38-10

Sacramento State at Stanford
Unfortunately this game comes on at the same as….
the “Amish Butter Churning Championships” on ESPN 4 “The Cuatro”…..
My money is on Ishmael in this one….
CARDINAL 33-0

Wofford at Ohio
I like Coach Frank Solich and I believe this is the year of the Bobcat….
FRANKS CATS 28-17

Arkansas State at Auburn
I have a feeling the Red Wolves will be two touchdowns behind by the time they hear…
“And the home of the brave….”
WAR DAMN EAGLE 54-0

Tennessee Tech at Arkansas
These “Golden” Eagles will be extra crispy by halftime…..
HAWGS 58-10

Elon at Duke
Following this Blue Devil victory all the Duke fans plan on rushing the field and tearing down the goal posts. Unfortunately, without the use of heavy equipment that feat is almost impossible to complete with only four people.
BLUE DEVILS 10-7

Western Kentucky at Nebraska
The Hilltopper mascot looks like something Nebraska’s mascot Lil Red threw up….
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 44-10

Washington State at Oklahoma State
The Cowboys could not show up for the game and still win this one…
COWBOY UP! 34-14

EDITORS NOTE: For the Cowboy Fans…
Where has the prairie wind touched you lately?

Utah State at Oklahoma
The Aggies might win this game……
Just like somebody might find Jimmy Hoffa…..
(By the way, he was in row 53, section C of the old Giants stadium…don’t ask me how I know, just take my word for it)
BOOMER SOONER 44-10

Sam Houston State at Baylor
I cannot in good conscience say anything derogatory about Sam Houston…
He was the Hero of San Jacinto….
BEARKATS 24-20

Stephen F. Austin at Texas A&M
I can’t say anything bad about Stephen F. Austin either….
South of the Red River that’s a sin….
GIG EM AGGIES 43-10

San Jose State at Alabama
Welcome to Alabama….
We hope you enjoy your ass whipping
CRIMSON TIDE 38-17

Memphis at Mississippi State
Nothing like a game between the “Cats and Dogs” to get things started…
This one is for you Bulldog Jim…
BULLY DOGS 38-10

Army at Eastern Michigan
I wish the Black Knights of the Hudson could win this game, but they won’t….
EAGLES 24-20

North Dakota State at Kansas
Coach Turner Gill will have Jay’s Hawks ready for the Bison….
Speaking of Bison, what I wouldn’t give for a good Bison steak about now..
JAY’S HAWKS 31-17

Bowling Green at Troy
If you know anything about history…
Then you know Helen of Troy was known as a beautiful woman….
And I will tell you for a fact….
That she still is, even after all those years running that Feed store outside of Troy
MEN OF TROY 31-27

Washington at Brigham Young
No Upset Special Here…
The Huskies are just that damn good….
HUSKIES 33-31

Northwestern at Vanderbilt
The Commodores will be outmatched and out coached in this one…
Other than that they have a real chance..
WILDCATS 28-17

Oregon State at Texas Christian
The Beavers will keep this one close….real close.
And one turnover and this game goes the other way.
HORNED FROGS 24-21

Texas State at Houston
Bob’s Cats are in for a beating of biblical proportions by the Cougars
Believe it…
MIGHTY COUGARS 49-10

LSU at North Carolina
This was going to be a good game; that was until the Tar Heels “Tutor-gate”
Now this is going to be really ugly….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 38-10

Portland State at Arizona State
The Vikings are going to disappear in the Arizona heat faster than…
a Nutty Buddy at a Weight Watchers Meeting
SUN DEVILS 34-10

Cincinnati at Fresno State
I still believe in the Power of the BearKat…
Whatever that means…
BEARKATS 33-31

Wisconsin at UNLV
I assume….
When people in Wisconsin talk about “The Power of Cheese”
They aren’t referring to cutting it….
But then again, sometimes I assume too much…
BADGERS 28-10

Sunday, September 5th

Tulsa at East Carolina
Pirates and Hurricanes of Gold….
Isn’t this the title of the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie?
PIRATES 24-17

Southern Methodist at Texas Tech
My Proud Ponies won’t have a good day in Lubbock…
All the more reason to go see the Buddy Holly museum
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 33-24

Monday, September 6th

Navy at Maryland
They call this game “The Crab Bowl Classic”
Which is in no way a reference to a toilet seat at a dilapidated truck stop on I-95.
Just so you know…
MIDSHIPMEN 24-21

Boise State at Virginia Tech
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!
I didn’t stutter…..
HOKEY POKEY 28-24

Enjoy your games……
And One Last thing….

Happy Birthday to my friend “Gator” Ant this Saturday…
Enjoy your Birthday and the Gator win…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Welcome back my friends, I have missed you all.

Despite being in exile in a rather hostile and uncivilized land…
I would rather be caught in an “I (Heart) the NCAA” T-Shirt that ever disappoint my beloved fans.

EDITORS NOTE:
Before you ask, “No”, I am not trapped in OBKnoxville or Los Angeles.

Why do I endeavor such a herculean task under such austere conditions you may ask? Because I care, that’s why.

With that being said, Welcome to the 2010 College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza.

Enjoy……

Over the years I have introduced your Pre-Season College Football Extravaganza with a variety of openings…
such as the wildly popular “College Football Etiquette 101” and such thought provoking entries as “How to make College Football Better”.

This Season, for those of you who are new to the College Football Experience and for those fans that are veterans at college football preparation.
I have prepared a “How To” for College Football Fans to further enhance your College Football experience in 2010.

THE “HOW TO” OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL

DRESSING FOR THE GAME

The Right Way….
The area of the country your team is located will have a direct impact on how one will dress for the upcoming game.
Much of this is culturally driven, but certainly there are other factors such as climate, traditions and geographical location.
One has the option of wearing a variety of team gear, and if traveling as a family unit…
it is advised that all participants should be in your favorite game day wear, to include infants and or pets.

The Wrong Way…
I was going to use this opportunity to address appropriate game day clothing but as we all know nearly everyone north of the Ohio River dresses like Nanok of the North on college football game days and the boys aren’t distinguishable from the girls; which is sad and disgusting.

When it comes to painting ones face or body it is vitally import that your celebration of your team blends appropriately with your apparel.
It is also important, even as students, that you understand not only “how to spell” the name of your university or mascot, but that someone in the group is in charge to place people in the appropriate locations.
Below is an example of how “Not” to do it.

GETTING TO THE STADIUM

The Right Way….
Decorating your vehicle with window flags and car magnets of your favorite college football team will announce your loyalties to passer bys and identify you as a supporter of your college team once you arrive on campus.

The Wrong Way….
Rainbow colored flags and other “diversity memorabilia”, to include “Make Peace NOT War” bumper stickers on your vehicle will send the wrong message even if you are from Los Angeles. Additionally, as a safety tip: This type of arrival to a college football game could result in an ass kicking in the following areas: Nebraska, Texas (anywhere), Clemson or anywhere in the Southeastern Conference.

ARRIVING AT THE STADIUM (PARKING)

The Right Way….
Once you are on campus, it is acceptable and permissible to play your teams fight song as loud as you can stand it and or honk the horn at other fans of equal standing in their love and devotion of the institution for which you support.

The Wrong Way….
Playing Celine Dion and or the theme from Titanic however is unacceptable, even if you are a “cultured” Southern California fan.
If you fall into this category please refer to “Safety Tip on Getting to the Stadium”

ON CAMPUS EXPERIENCE

The Right Way….
Vendors of all sorts should be available selling t-shirts to top hats of the home team’s logo and school colors.
A variety of food and drink should be available along with musical entertainment provided by the college marching band and
the appearance of the team’s cheerleaders, when applicable, always gets the crowd motivated.
Also, this is an excellent time to catch with old friends and acquaintances and discuss the upcoming game and a good time should be had by all.

Case in Point
The University of Texas

The Wrong Way….
If your college campus on game day resembles a party at Elton John’s house you may want to consider switching your affiliations.

Case in Point….
The University of Southern California Trojans

TAILGATING

The Right Way….
Tailgating is an art form that may take years to perfect.
Case in point, it is not uncommon for LSU Tiger Fans to begin tailgating the Monday or Tuesday before the game on Saturday night.
Tents and flags and grills of all shapes and sizes abound, with smoke bellowing for miles with the smell of the contents of the smoking beasts enough to make a vegetarian change their minds.
There is never a shortage of fine food and drink for Tiger fans or fans of opposing teams that happen to pass by.
One will frequently hear “Hey Fightn’ Tigers” and other LSU Favorites from loud speakers. Beer, wine and Bourbon are severed abundantly.

Another way to tailgate you might want to consider is when there is a navigable body of water close by your team’s stadium.
As an example; The Tennessee Volunteer fans boast of the “Vol Navy” with the Tennessee River flowing by Neyland Stadium.
This consist of a large number of intoxicated Tennessee fans in a variety of cut off jeans, overalls and other assorted Tennessee specific game day wear….
riding in Inner tubes and old bathtubs floating in a procession down the Tennessee river to “dock” near the stadium.

The Wrong Way…
Anything requiring the use of a microwave, other than popcorn or Velveeta is simply unacceptable.
Also, it’s important to understand the philosophy behind tailgating in general.
That being said an animal of some type needs to be sacrificed to provide an acceptable tailgating experience.
Be it beef, fowl, pork or reptile or any combination thereof must be cooked.
Not only is this ancient art of cooking meat outdoors delectable, but this also prevents our hallowed traditions from being trampled on by vegans, vegetarians and Muslims.

COLLEGE MARCHING BANDS

The Right Way….
Few College Marching Bands are as proud as TBDBITL….
That acronym stands for The Ohio State University’s Marching Band
“The Best Damn Band in the Land”
They certainly live up to the hype and you would be hard pressed to find a better college marching band anywhere in the country.

Certainly there are other great college marching bands, too many to mention in this short space.
But it is important to remember the premier college marching bands are precise in their movements, sound magnificent, have the ability to play a variety of classics and modern favorites and wear traditional uniforms with their school colors.

It is also worth mentioning the members of the college marching bands spend more time practicing for a performance that the actual athletic teams do on a normal basis.
So it is important to honor those young people and cheer for them as well.

The Wrong Way….
If your college marching band resembles the Salvation Army Homeless Band like Stanford’s or have uniforms that looked they were designed by a group of Meth Heads such as the Oregon Duck band, then perhaps you should skip the opening ceremonies as well as the half time festivities.

FLAG GIRLS & MAJORETTES

The Right Way….
Let me explain this in a way I hope you will all understand.
Simply Put: If you are a male living in the United States of America and you are between the ages of six and ninety years of age and you don’t find the Golden Girls from LSU or the University of Alabama Crimonettes attractive then you are gay.
Mystery solved no need to thank me.

The Wrong Way….
If your Flag Girls and or Majorettes are larger than the offensive or defensive lineman on your football team, then you have the wrong people in the wrong positions.

Noted Examples to the above:
Maine Bears, Michigan Wolverines, Notre Dame and the entire Ivy League

CHEERLEADERS

The Right Way….
They should be enthusiastic, attractive and have traditional uniforms and most importantly know and understand the cheers by heart.

Example: Alabama, Clemson, Florida, LSU, Texas, Penn State, Washington, Texas A&M

The Wrong Way….
This illustrated example is the opposite of the above description in regards to understanding “How to Cheer”

COLLEGE FOOTBALL COMMENTATORS

The Right Way….
Two Words: Keith Jackson
He is the voice of college football, always has been always will be.
He was never intrusive, always insightful and called it like he saw it without guile, prejudice or criticism.
There has never been anyone better – period.

Lee Corso: God Bless you coach, Saturday’s wouldn’t be the same without you.

Lou Holtz: Despite your constant spitting on Mark May every time you speak in the ESPN studio
(which I personally derive a great deal of enjoyment from)
I admire your insight and humor and telling it like it is attitude.

The Wrong Way….
Where to begin…..

Pam Ward with ESPN: Her voice is used to elicit confessions at Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay and has been called “cruel and unusual punishment” by Amnesty International.

Spencer Tillman: I loved him when he played at Oklahoma, but currently he wears more makeup than Little Richard.

John Saunders: His prejudice against all things Southern is only outweighed by his lack of knowledge of college football.
And that’s saying something….

Vern Lundquist and Gary Danielson: The syphilitic troll and his one-sided master of the obvious sidekick would make a deaf man’s ears bleed.

Brent Musburger: I will let Brent speak for himself in this section.
Here is quote from Brent on an Alabama Crimson Tide game during the 2007 season.

“The folks in Alabama are paying Nick Saban a lot of money folks; it doesn’t look like they are getting their money’s worth, does it.”

EDITORS NOTE: Two undefeated regular seasons, a Heisman Trophy winner and a National Championship later
I think it’s apparent that Brent is a complete Dumbass.

Archie Manning: He cannot string two sentences together without referencing his two children playing in the NFL.
WE GET IT JACKASS!
YOUR KIDS PLAY IN THE N-F-L! NOW SHUT THE HELL UP!

ESPN’s Mark May: His cousin must own stock in ESPN, because this gibbering idiot couldn’t get a job anywhere else.

Bob Griese: Do you know how you can tell when Bob is going to say something stupid?
His lips are moving.

ESPN’s Desmond Howard: If he was actually able to but a simple sentence together during a telecast I would be amazed.
This may explain how he graduated from the University of Michigan with a degree in “Public Speaking”.

ESPN’s Wendi Nix: She is dumber than a sack of horse turds and wears more makeup than Tammy Faye Baker.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL REFEREES

The Right Way….
It is important for college football referees and replay officials to be fair and honest in their appraisals of each play.
This comes through constant training and education as well as review of each game by conference officials.
The conferences will constantly grade and evaluate the professionalism and effectiveness of the individuals in this field and suspend or relieve those referees that are ineffective or incompetent, because accountability is the key to the integrity of the game.
The conferences will also ensure the individuals responsible for the conduct of the games are properly vetted through a process similar to background checks for security clearances.
This is important to ensure, unlike the NBA, that referees are above reproach and not susceptible to bribes or other enticements to sway their opinions during the course of a game.

The Wrong Way….
Currently the above is not being done in any conference in the country and despite the never ending NCAA witch hunts from textbooks to college parties;
they aren’t interested in ensuring accountability from the referees either.
Hence the problem….

TRADITIONAL PRE-GAME KICK OFF CHANTS

The Right Way…
Prior to kickoff the home crowd, as well as visitors will stand on their feet and as the ball is struck by the kicker to send the ball down the field the following is either performed or yelled by the home crowd.

Marshall: Thirty Thousand Thundering Herd fans will shout in unison “We Are Marshall!” as the ball is kicked down the field.

Florida: Ninety Thousand Gator fans will perform the famous “Gator Chomp” as kickoff ensues.

Arkansas: Eighty Thousand Razorback Fans adorned in “Hog Wear”
will shout before kickoff “Whoooooooo…” and then as the ball is struck they will yell “Pigs!”
and then quickly there after as the ball is sailing down the field “Sooieeeeeee”.

The Wrong Way…

Duke: Nearly half a dozen Blue Devil fans will shout “O Hell here we go again!” as the ball is kicked down the field.

Washington State: Prior to kickoff, almost two dozen fans of the Mighty Cougars will cover their heads with paper bags and wish silently that they were Washington Huskies Fans.

Indiana: At the opening kickoff nearly a hundred Hoosier fans will shout “What the Hell is a Hoosier?”

FIGHT SONGS

The Right Way….
There are too many outstanding college fight songs to mention here.
The great traditional fight songs we know by heart and they stir the emotions of the crowd and raise Goosebumps and bring a tear to the eye of many alumni and fan.

The Eyes of Texas..

Yea Alabama….

Hey Fightn’ Tigers….

The Aggie War Hymn…

The Wrong Way….
Simply put, if the fight song in question is either to confusing or doesn’t have any references to victory or storming down the field or in some cases is rather depressing or encourages dangerous behavior, then it is less than effective in encouraging the fans.

Case in point…..
The University of Tennessee marching band used to play “Down the Field” which has references to loyalty to the football team, cheering and fighting for the Volunteers of Tennessee.

Then for reasons I cannot comprehend, the University of Tennessee began playing “Rocky Top” like a broken Jukebox with one record. The song has nothing to do with football or the University of Tennessee but does talk about such intriguing topics as:

“Ain’t no smoggy smoke on Rocky Top, Ain’t no telephone bills, Once I had a girl on Rocky Top, half bear, the other half cat, wild as a mink, but sweet as soda pop. I still dream about that”

EDITORS NOTE: If you get excited about a “fight song” that brags about the fact you don’t have electricity or telephones
and the best looking women in your area are mutants, then perhaps you need another “fight song”.

Another noted example in this section comes from Texas A& I and their fight song “Jalisco”. For your reading pleasure is the first stanza:

“Ay, Jalisco, Jalisco
Jalisco tu tienes
Tu novia
Que es Guadalajara
Muchacha bonita
La peria mas rara
De todo Jalisco
Es mi Guadalajara”

EDITORS NOTE: If your fight song isn’t in English, then you shouldn’t be allowed to play football. Enough said….

MASCOTS

The Right Way….
There are a number of Great College Mascots…
You know who there are…..
Their very presence sends the crowd into frenzy.
College football fans will line up for hours to have a picture taken with their mascot.
There is…..

UGA the English Bulldog from the University of Georgia

BEVO the Texas Longhorn from the University of Texas

Mike the Tiger from Louisiana State University

The Wrong Way…
There are too many to mention here…
But suffice to say if the mascot in question doesn’t represent the university nickname then often times it is confusing to the fans
and thus becomes more of a distraction than a motivational tool.

Noted examples to this section…

Indiana University: Since know one knows what the hell a Hoosier actually is this becomes a constant point of friction with fans asking themselves “What are we?”

University of Oregon: The Ducks used to have a mascot that resembled Disney’s Donald Duck dressed in the green and white of Oregon and he was quite the fan favorite.

Since the university administration sold their soul’s to NIKE for sponsorships they have opted to allow NIKE to design their mascot uniform which changes from year to year, much like their university football teams uniforms.

Currently the Oregon Duck mascot looks like the offspring of a gay Mister Peanut and a Raptor than a Duck.

Congratulations…

Purdue University: Despite the fact Purdue Pete scares small children and frightens the elderly with his large and cumbersome bulbous head and has a face that looks like the lead character in “Mask”, it is nice to know that he has returned to the dating scene.

WHEN VIEWING THE GAME AT HOME

The Right Way….
You are encouraged to decorate your house (inside as well as outside)
with various adornments to include university flags etc.
One should be wearing university colors and logos, this goes for significant others in the household and children as well.

The following is also encouraged on game day at your home or residence:

It’s important to establish “healthy boundaries” for you and your guests on College Football Game Days.
This will further enhance the experience for you as well as your guests and provide a warm and comfortable environment to enjoy the festivities.
Opposing fans visiting your household should be treated as honored guests and be allowed to partake of food and drink at their hearts desire, until such time as they begin trash talking about the level of competency of your team and then it’s permissible to tell them to “Grab their #hit and get the hell out of your house” even if it is your local pastor.

If you’re next door neighbor, with whom you have a wonderful relationship with, is a fan or supporter of your arch rival.
Then it is permissible on college football game day to give any member of that particular family the preverbal middle finger while exchanging pleasantries when retrieving the morning paper.

The verbal exchange may go something like this:

Tim: Nice day isn’t it Joe?

Joe: Up yours Timmy! I hope your family contracts cholera!

EDITORS NOTE:
This exchange is permissible on College Football Game day as long as he is a fan of your arch rival, even if the neighbor in question is your local pastor.

It is also permissible to scream at the television set knowing full well that no one on the other end can hear you or grasp your jesters.
Please inform your guests that you are aware of this fact and please remind them if they mention this fact more than once in an effort to elicit humor, then you are obligated to tell them to “Grab their #hit and get the hell out of your house” even if it is your local pastor.

The only person allowed to touch or operate the remote control is the one or possibly two adult collegiate football fans living in the household.
Permission may be grated on a game by game basis to adult friends, neighbors, family members etc. but only with permission.
If your dear friend’s wife who couldn’t spell football if you spotted her the “O’s” and the “L”’s” attempts to commandeer the remote control because she is either bored or “wants to see what’s on CNN”, it is permissible, without consulting her significant other, to break her arm, especially if it’s fourth and goal from the one yard line.

Additionally, the household should resemble a tailgate party on steroids
(Please see Tailgating section above for further amplification)

EDITORS NOTES:
It is important to note if you live or plan to move to Morgantown West Virginia that following a “Win” by the Mighty Mountaineers of West Virginia it is excepted that you and your family will take a piece of furniture from your house, preferably a couch and light it on fire in the front yard.

It is my understanding that if you and your family choose “not” to take part in this Mountaineer ritual in Morgantown the West Virginia faithful will perform the ritual for you using whatever possessions of yours they deem appropriate.

The Wrong Way…
Having a variety of games for children on college game day at one’s house is encouraged; it prevents them from distracting you and your guests from the college football game.
However, providing alcohol to children is forbidden and illegal unless you live in the following states or territories:
West Virginia – Minnesota – South Dakota – Pennsylvania – Arkansas – Oklahoma – Tennessee and Puerto Rico

Additionally, not having snacks while preparing your tailgating experience and during the game itself will identify you as an amateur college football fan.
Do not let your personal income be a deterrent to a positive college football game day experience.
If one can only afford a bag of Cheeto’s and a twelve pack of beer, then that should be shared and no one will think any worse of you.
In fact, I have on good authority that is considered “Thanksgiving” for most Illinois Fighting Pumpkins and Indiana Hoosier fans.

I hope this will enhance your College Football experience in 2010

PRE-SEASON PROGNOSTICATIONS & OBSERVATIONS

This season the Michigan Wolverines will fail to qualify for a bowl game (again)

But the Michigan State Spartans will…..

In November of this year the National Geographic Society…..
Will discover that Wynonna Judd is actually a Triceratops.

Good News Fighting Irish Fans! You will qualify for a Bowl game this year….
The Boudreaux Butt Paste Bowl in Tupelo Mississippi (It’s very prestigious)

There will not be an undefeated Southeastern Conference Champion this year…

The University of Southern California Trojans will not be going to a bowl game this year, no wait.
They can’t go any way, right? Never mind.

Brent Musburger and Vern Lundquist will vie for the coveted title of “Biggest Dumbass in American Sports Casting.”
Currently they are neck and neck in the contest;…
No wait, I just remembered Vern doesn’t have a neck.
So another unit of measure will need to be determined.
More on this later.

A referee and his crew will blow a call and a possession in the same game.

EDITORS NOTE: I have two words for you – PENN WAGERS.

This season LSU Tiger Coach Les Miles will say something positively ridiculous and then promptly defend it.

EDITORS NOTE: If you count what Les Miles said at the Southeastern Conference Media Days last month, then my prediction has already come to pass.

“I think anybody that enjoys competition enjoys playing best teams. In the Western Division, we have it.”

Les Miles – SEC Media Days July 23rd 2010

Arkansas Coach Houston Nutt will deny any wrong doing of any kind in anything related to anything he has ever been associated with or thought he was associated with.

Sometime this year the Evergreen State Geoduck mascot will make someone throw up when they see it for the first time.

The Tebow-less Florida Gators will be a lot stronger than you might think

The Texas Longhorns (See Above and substitute Tebow-less with McCoy-less)

The Miami Hurricanes will have the opportunity to prove if they are for real when they visit the Big Horseshoe and the Mighty Ohio State Buckeyes on September 11th

The Boise State Bronco’s will not finish the 2010 college football season undefeated.

But the Horned Frogs of Texas Christian might….
If they get by the Beavers of Oregon State on September 4th.

My Mighty Southern Methodist University Mustangs will return to a Bowl game again this year. Believe it.

Early in the season Coach Rich Rod of Michigan will attempt to divert the hostile Ann Arbor sports media by deferring questions to a Sock Monkey during post game news conferences.

EDITORS NOTE: I have on good authority the Sock Money even wears a ball with a big “M” on it, which is nice.

Speaking of the “First Family of Wolverine Football”…..
Coach Rich Rod’s wife, Rita will have an exhibit named after her in the Natural Science Museum and Exhibit Hall in Ann Arbor this year.
It is my understanding they have named a new species of dinosaur after her and the artist rendition of the creature will be on display through the coming football season.
It’s called a “Skank-a- Saurus”

EDITORS NOTE: Who knew dinosaurs had bleach blond hair, wore nine inch clear plastic stripper shoes and had their makeup done at Earl Shive?
Isn’t science fascinating?

The Duke Blue Devils will still have more students watching basketball practice than attend home football games, which is sad.

“Coach” Bill Curry will habitually read “The Little Engine That Could” to his Georgia State Panther players each night…
until his ass whipping of biblical proportions at the hands of the Alabama Crimson Tide on Thursday November 18th.
Then he will resign as head coach, return to ESPN as a commentator and bitch and whine about the University of Alabama for another ten years.

Sometime in late November some damn school that plays in the Earl Hoffenheimer Conference will have an undefeated season and lay claim to a shot at the National Championship because they defeated Chow Lings Nail and Beauty Salon Academy by three points.

The American Medical Association will determine that ESPN Commentator Pam Ward’s voice will be the leading cause of suicide between the months of September and December.

Webster’s Dictionary will add an additional example to the definition of “irony” in 2010.
The example will read in part: “Irony” is Lane Kiffin accusing other universities of cheating while having the NCAA investigating his conduct and actions at the university he left after one year and takes a position at a university on probation for violating NCAA rules.

ESPN studio commentator and former coach Lou Holtz will continue to sound like Sylvester the Cat and Mark May will continue to make sounds like a mule caught in a thicket when describing his undying love of the University of Southern California.

Before December of this year, “coach” Bobby Bowden will be found wandering across the Seminole practice field wearing only his FSU Vietcong hat in search of Chief Osceola, whom he went to school with in 1824.

Penn State Coach Joe Paterno will harness the power of the sun utilizing his reading glasses, thus ending the energy crisis and creating in the process 200, 000 new green energy jobs.

Former Tennessee Volunteer coach Phil Fulmer will attempt to introduce the “Bear Claw Consumption Competition” into the 2010 London Olympic Games, sponsored by Krispy Kreme. Sadly he will be denied the opportunity to “Bring home the Gold” and in a caloric rage eat the reining men’s hot dog eating champion.

QUOTES FROM YESTERDAY

FAMOUS COACH’S QUOTE“With the little bits of information that I have, no, I’m not worried about that one bit. I’m more concerned about helping the process and cooperating to make sure that everything comes to the front. I’m confident that’s not where this is going.” …

In an interview on May 2, 2006 with USA Today and the Associated Press, Coach Pete Carroll of U$C talks about the possibility of U$C forfeiting games or being hit with NCAA sanctions.

EDITORS NOTE: Looking back on it that seems kind of funny, doesn’t it?

SEVEN QUESTIONS WITH….

Before our beloved college football season begins we will interview the “former” athletic director Damon Evans of the University of Georgia in our “Seven Questions Segment” to give him a platform to explain his actions and subsequent dismissal from the University of Georgia.

Q: Mr. Evans what have you been doing since you stepped down as the athletic director of the University of Georgia?

A: I prefer to be called “Pimp Daddy D” or just “D Yo”

Q: What? Ah O.K.
Anyway, how would you describe your tenure as Georgia’s Athletic Director and what transpired, in your own words, that caused you to leave such a top tier athletic program.

A: Pimpn’ ain’t easy

Q: That doesn’t make any sense. O.k. never mind, let me rephrase the question.
There are a number of reports that portrays you in a rather unflattering light. They describe a number of embarrassing circumstances and even more embarrassing personal conduct by you.
Would you care to elaborate on this matter?

A: Knick Knack Paddy Wack give a Dawg a bone!

Q: What the hell does that even mean?

A: Word to your mother

Q: Ok. Let’s stay focused shall we?
This is your opportunity to explain what you were doing and the circumstances surrounding the incident that resulted in your dismissal as the Athletic Director of the University of Georgia.
Specifically; let’s talk about when you were pulled over by the police in the company of an underage intoxicated woman, wearing a pair of woman’s underwear on your head while presumably intoxicated yourself. To say nothing of the reported crying jag to the police officers all the while screaming “Do you know who I am?”

A: I was just Keep’n it Real G

Q: Is that the theme from Shaft playing in the background and are those “crunk teeth” in your mouth?

A: Word up

Q: Mr. Evans, I have one last question: are you retarded?

A: Foshizzeel my mizzel.

EDITORS NOTE: Maybe Damon Evans should have taken his own advice here…

Click here to view the embedded video.

PRESEASON QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
I don’t know if you are “really back” yet or not, but I need your advice desperately.
I have a terrible secret I have been withholding from my family.
I grew up in a loving family outside of London, Ohio and somehow I lost my way.
I moved to California and there I fell into intravenous drug use and became a gay prostitute and changed my name to Dirk Hershey.
I have appeared in some horrible, vile and disgusting movies under that name.
I have stolen money from “customers”, passed out in alleys after week long drug beiges and been involved in sexual acts that would make the strongest person retch.
But my question is this:
How do I tell my family I have become a Michigan Wolverine fan?
Danny aka “Dirk” – San Francisco, California

A: If I were you Danny, I would keep that piece of bad news to myself.

Q: Hello Wizard Man!
You filthy infidel! We know who you are!
We declare Jihad on you Mister Wizard!
Jihad! Jihad! Jihad!
You die soon by our Jihad!
Mohammad Ali Abdul – Los Angeles, California

A: Jihad Me at Hello disgruntled Trojan fan.

Q: Dear Sir –
As mayor of beautiful Baneberry Tennessee, I would like to cordially invite you as our “Guest of Honor” for our annual Founder’s Day celebration on September 18th.
As you may know our town was founded by two brothers Bubba and Doodie Baneberry in 1836 when they were separated from Davey Crockett’s Tennesseans heading to the Alamo and instead choose to get drunk on apple cider that had “turned” hard and shortly thereafter passed out near the river and missed the entire historical moment in San Antonio.
The founding fathers thought “Baneberry” sounded better than naming the town Bubba, or God forbid “Doodie”, hence the town of Baneberry was born.
None the less, after careful consideration the city council and I have voted to invite you, despite you being an Alabama Fan, to our Founder’s Day celebration for all your hard work to promote our beautiful city.
Also, we didn’t want to invite Hootie Snitch for fear he would show up all liquored up and insist on wearing chaps and a cowboy hat (again) on the Founders Day float so it was addition by subtraction, if you know what we mean.
Sincerely
Mayor Mike Summers
521 Harrison Ferry Road
Baneberry, TN 37890

A: I am temporarily indisposed with another engagement at the time or I would be all over it.

Q: Mister CFB Wizard I have a question for you.
As a lifelong Michigan Wolverine I don’t need to tell you the last few years have been very painful.
With that being said, what will it take for the Wolverines to go Bowling this year?
Thanks!
Steve – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Steve, I guarantee you the Wolverines will go Bowling this year!
But they need to make reservations early at the Bel-Mark Lanes in Ann Arbor or they may not get a lane.
I hear the month of December is reserved for leagues.
So, you will need to make reservations sorry.

Q: Hey There!
Mr. Wizard you remind me of that fellow Genius Kahn who invented Mongolian Barbeque.
He sure was smart!
I believe he was a military man too, but anyway I got me a question.
What are the chances of Auburn winning the damn National Championship this year?
Billy – Opelika, Alabama

A: Well Billy thank you for the compliment, I think.
But to answer your question I would say the Tigers have the same odds of winning the championship as Michigan does of going to a Bowl game.

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard –
I was wondering if you would help promote my latest venture;
My Tribute to William Shatner by singing some of his lesser known songs as well as singing the theme from T. J. Hooker while dressed as TJ Hooker!
Does that not sound fabulous?
So what do you think?
Thanks!
Jack McCracken – Cincinnati, Ohio

A: I think you need to be medicated Jack, a lot.

Q: Dear Sir –
As Chief of the Wall-a-ka Indian Nation and Casinos I am extremely disappointed in your support of collegiate “Indian” mascots. The usage of the term “Indian” alone is hurtful and insensitive, not to mention the other more harmful terms associated with Native Americans, such as “tribe” or “moccasins”. These names conjure up images of savages and worse, of a culture that is illiterate, ignorant, superstitious and lacking any social structure.
Perhaps if you were to spend some time learning our rich and unique culture you would have a better understanding of our sensitivity on this volatile issue.
Please take the time to visit us in the next few months we are located right off of Interstate 29 near Watertown North Dakota. Look for the “Big Wampum Casino” sign and don’t forget our duty free shops and the “Scalp Em Water Park” conveniently located next to the casino.
“Chu-na-La-Nu-say”
Chief Charlie Waka-Saw IV

A: If my Native American language skills are correct, I believe the above quote translated means: “A pony urinated on my new moccasins.”
But that aside; Sir, if you are indeed “SAW IV”, then I would like my money back please.

Q: All Alabama Fans Suck! They were not the best team last year and you know it!
As far as the National Chump-in-ships they all claim, that is bogus too!
Face it, they live in a dirt poor state with a bunch of inbred idiots who have nothing better to do than follow a second rate school and third tier football program.
Anonymous – Boise, Idaho

A: I’m sorry the glare from the 2009 National Championship trophy was reflecting off of Mark Ingram’s Heisman Trophy and it was preventing me from reading your question.
What were you trying to say again?

Q: We is still mad as hell at that damn Lame Kitten for leaving us Tennessee Volunteers!
Now he done and got the NCAA crawling around a looking at us!
We gave him everything he ever wanted!
Why the hell would anybody ever want to leave Rocky Top?
I ask you!
Thelma and Joe – Dyllis, Tennessee

A: It might be the wet dog food smell from the Purina plant that drifts across the city, but that’s just a guess.

Q: Dear sir despite your distain for all things Ivy League, I am obligated to ask who you think is the favorite to win the coveted Ivy League Crown this year?
Will it be Princeton, Harvard or fair Yale?
Reginald – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: I could name a dozen high schools around the country that could “win” the Ivy League crown, that’s what I think.

Q: Hey There!
I am a former coach and currently live in the Garnet and Gold Retirement home here in beautiful Tallahassee Florida. I was kind of forced into retirement by someone I thought was a friend, but then snookered me into retirement and I am still a little sore about it, not as sore as these new pants my grandkids bought me for my birthday though, they bind me in the crotch and it makes me walk funny.
Anyway you seem to know a lot about different things about college football, like the time you wrote about NCAA President Myles Brand and that Hootie Snitch guy you have on the website is really funny too. Wait, what was I saying? O’ Yeah, so there is this “other” coach (who I won’t name, but let’s call him “Joe”, that is still coaching and he is even older than me, I think he’s like a hundred years old or something. So, why can’t I still coach when Mister Thick Glasses is allowed to coach? His glasses are kind of funny too. Except when he uses them to blind you on the other sidelines! I mean they are that thick!
I forgot what I was saying.
Hobby Howden – Tallahassee, Florida

A: Bobby, you are rambling again.

Q: Mister Wizard I live in Ann Arbor Michigan and I recently saw Coach Rod’s wife Rita at a local Michigan “Maze and Blue” Alumni function and although I was some distance from her, I would have to say you are incorrect in your description of Rita.
She seems to be very attractive from a distance.
Roy – Grand Rapids, Michigan

A: By distance do you mean over a mile?
Get a new prescription for your glasses because up close that woman could stop a watch.

There will be more on the wire tomorrow…..
with the second installment of the Preseason College Football Extravaganza
To include Conference Champions and more of what you have come to expect from your Favorite College Football Prognosticator
So stay tuned…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

I apologize for the lengthy delay in getting back with you all…..my beloved fans.

But as you may already know….

Due to my rather phenomenal year of College Football Prognostication in 2009,
I embarked on the “CFB Wizard World Tour”, which I am in the process of wrapping up.
But before I describe my eventful night in Beijing after winning the coveted “Laughing Monkey Award”,
I want to clear up a few rumors that have been circulating the World Wide Web as well as answer some of your well thought out and long awaited questions.

Enjoy…..

Rumors and Questions……

Yes, I am taller and younger than Sammy Hagar but Sammy does have more hair than I do and is somewhat more popular outside college football circles than yours truly.
But we do have one thing in common: Neither of us like to drive 55.

No, I will not write anything about the “World Cup”, nor was I attending any of the World Cup events.
I would rather attend a “Guess that Cheese” contest in Goat Screw Gap Tennessee that have anything to do with soccer …..
And for what I hope is the last time let me make this perfectly clear…
Soccer isn’t a “real” sport, if it were a “real sport”…
Then explain why Frenchmen can play it? My point exactly…
Lastly, if my beloved university has a soccer team..
I am blissfully unaware so please don’t ask me anymore questions about it.

Yes, it’s true; I was recently featured on “Wheel of Fortune’s Celebrity Week”

And “Yes” I was kicked off the show for what the judges described as “shouting” an “inappropriate answer” to a puzzle, causing Vanna White to faint and hit her head on the lighted puzzle board as the studio audience rushed for the exits.

The Puzzle read…..

GO _ UCK YOURSELF _ _

I won’t repeat my answer here, after all this is a family column…
However I will tell you the “correct” answer was “Go Tuck Yourself In”.
But in all fairness I thought the last two blank spaces were exclamation points.
And before you ask “No”, I will not be invited back….

No I was not at Gary Coleman’s Funeral however I do own a Coleman cooler.

No I’m not homophobic; I just don’t like Kenny Chesney.

For those of you that don’t believe you can’t mix business with pleasure then explain to me the Putt-Putt Golf industry. I think I made my point…

I give less than a damn about LeBron James and the entire NBA

No, the television program “Biggest Loser Couples” isn’t about Fat Phil Fulmer and Charlie Weis.

On the topic of television programs you need to be aware the current series “Cheaters” is not a history of the University of Southern California Trojans football program, sorry.

Yes my long awaited book will be out before you know it….

No I am not interested in Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears but I do care deeply and passionately about our boys and girls fighting in Afghanistan and around the world and you all should too.

Although I have Globe Trotted, with all due respect to Meadowlark Lemon, that doesn’t make me a Globe Trotter. See the difference?
Plus I can’t seem to master the ole confetti in the water bucket trick.

Yes, I did meet the Dalai Lama on my World Tour and “No” he is not a Notre Dame fan.
However he does have breath that is similar to the rear end of a Yak.

No, I did not meet with the Pope during my current tour; because I felt with my elevated status as a College Football Prognosticator it wouldn’t help my publishing deal to be seen with an older white guy dressed like a Klan member.

However I have heard the Pope is a huge fan of Notre Dame, for reasons I still can’t quite understand.

I did not have a Liver transplant although I still have flashbacks of “coach” Mike Shula and it causes me to break out in hives and shake uncontrollably.

Yes, in addition to the coveted “Laughing Monkey Award”, your favorite College Football Prognosticator collected a number of other prestigious awards this year.
(Please don’t applaud, your adulation embarrasses me…)

As you may have read I am now a multiple winner of the coveted “Collard Greens Award for Excellence in Southern Sports Journalism” presented by the wonderful people at the Demopolis Alabama Agriculture Extension Service. I won this award despite the best efforts of Delbert “Pickles” Callahan who attempted to claim I picked the winner of the National Championship game as well as the other bowls through the use of an Ouija board and numerous calls to the Physic Hotline.

“Sour Pickles” Callahan is a sore loser….That’s right I said it.

Your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza will be out soon…..

And along with your Pre-Season Prognostications we will discuss such in-depth topics as…..

How will the Virginia Tech Hokies replace the loss of their Wangs this year?

EDITORS NOTE: Shame on you….
I was talking about Ed and his brother David Wang.

I will point out that the Florida State Seminoles will be taking the football field this year without a Bowden at the helm for the first time since the Spanish-American War.

We will talk about how the Big 12 isn’t….and how the Big Ten can’t add.

I will have a contest this year entitled “Who will say something stupid first:
Tommy Tuberville or Les Miles?”

EDITORS NOTE: I think it’s a tossup

There will be even more Mascot News…..

Along with the Oregon Ducks myriad of uniforms…
we will discuss their “new” Uber gay Mister Peanut – Duck hybrid mascot.
It’s a rainbow flag waving celebration.

We will expose the Maine Bear mascot as a very hairy female cheerleader in need of electrolysis.

And I will have the long awaited photographic evidence of the existence of the Presbyterian Blue Hose cheerleaders. Be warned, it will be shocking.

Speaking of Hose….

I will confirm that Michigan’s Coach Rod’s wife “Rita”…..
Was in fact the inspiration of the lesser known Dr. Seuss book; “Horton hires a Ho”

I will also break down the old adage of how “Two Ute’s at hand are better than hiding in the bushes”

EDITORS NOTE: Before you even ask…Yes, this is the Utah version of the story.

As you might expect we will have team news from around the country…..

Certainly we will take time to discuss the empty space located in the University of Southern California Trojans Trophy case, with the return of the Heisman Trophy, the National Championship Trophy, vacated wins and so on.

And for the record….

I am too good a person to gloat over the demise of the Southern California Trojans or say “I Told You So” to Fox Sports, ESPN, the Los Angeles Times, the Orange County Register, the NCAA, ABC Sports, Sports Illustrated, CBS Sports, NBC Sports, the PAC 10 Conference and College Football Illustrated.
Just because they ALL refused to mention the scandal of Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans and in most if not all cases DISMISSED the story entirely is no reason for me to gloat or say “I Told You So”. Certainly as the lone voice in the wilderness on this issue for a number of years and enduring the slings and arrows of readers and commentators alike, it would be easy for me to say “I Told You So”.

I don’t have to say “I Told YOU So” because I derive my satisfaction from providing you readers the facts on this issue and allow you to make up your own minds concerning the offences committed by Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans and the ensuing cover-up committed by Coach Pete Carroll, the University of Southern California, the PAC 10 Conference and the NCAA.

So you can see, I don’t have to say “I TOLD YOU SO” to make my point.

I am bigger than that.

We will detail the pressures of Coaching College Football and the effect some dumbass donors have on its programs like Vanderbilt which ultimately caused the great Coach Johnson to depart for less stormy shores.

This Season marks an extraordinary accomplishment….
As we will take time out to celebrate Jo Pa’s 100th year in college football

EDITORS NOTE: I just hope nobody breaks a hip

We will discuss “what’s his name” the new starting Florida Gator’s Quarterback who doesn’t stand a snowballs chance in hell of filling Tim Tebow’s socks, much less his shoes.

EDITORS NOTE: That poor kid, I can almost hear the boo birds warming up

Later we will try and determine “what the Hell was Nebraska thinking” when they joined the Big Ten, Eleven, Twelve conference.

I will go into depth of how the Texas Longhorns are stronger than ever: It’s True

We will have even better news for the Mighty Buckeyes of Columbus.

I will provide you readers 3-D glasses as we look at the Boise State hideous blue field of death

I will tell you I miss my adopted Clemson Tiger Family

We will discuss the stupidity that is the Colorado Buffaloe…
When they joined the PAC “what the hell ever” Conference.

EDITORS NOTE: Are you dumbasses close to the Pacific Ocean or are you just praying for an earthquake?

There will be a new section this season entitled…
“The More the things Change the more they stay the Same”
Starring Tennessee Coach Droolly and the Tennessee Volunteers!
In the first installment we will examine definitions at the University of Tennessee, as an example how “indefinitely suspended” actually means “two weeks” and much, much more.

There will be an open discussion concerning Notre Dames infatuation with Golden Gnomes

There will be an interactive section this year called…
“Say something nonsensical with Les Miles”

This Season we will also go “Big Pimp’n” with the former University of Georgia Athletic Director Damon Evans and discuss his crying jag with a Georgia Highway Patrolman, “How NOT to get out of a DUI”
and his penchant for women’s underwear and underage crack whores.

We will uncover how the NCAA “discovered” MapQuest and actually utilized it to find Reggie Bush’s Momma’s House (Five years later….)

EDITORS NOTE: Isn’t technology fascinating?

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will review Coach Pete Carroll (Formally of the University of Southern California Trojans) newest book, “Cheating for Dummies”

Hootie Snitch “The Biggest Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet” will return to commentate on the state of college football and his Volunteers after his whirlwind romance and subsequent marriage to Thelma Stroderback, an east Tennessee “hand model” for a Baneberry Tennessee tractor supply and fertilizer store.

And how could we go through the college football season without a reference or two to your favorite Hall of Fame and Museum and gift shop?
That’s right….
I mean the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum (And Gift Shop)
Don’t worry, you won’t be disappointed

Before I depart….
Congratulations to the Mighty South Carolina Gamecocks on winning the College World Series.
And Another Championship for the Southeastern Conference.

One last thing….

If you ever find yourself in Beijing…
Don’t ever ask your hosts “Are we going to Wang Chung tonight?”
It means something entirely different in China…
And “No” I don’t want to talk about it.

There is more on the way, so stay tuned.

RTR
The CFB Wizard

As the sun sets on the end of another year….
It’s time to wrap up the Bowl season
And the National Championship

Safety Tip: For those of you reading this on January 1st……
This column is not written or designed in 3D…..
If you are seeing double
You “may” have had too much of Grandpa’s Couch Medicine last night.

As I set here in my new Urban Myer Flip Flops and prepare to return to Satan’s Butt crack
Wait, I can’t decide if I like these things or not….
Never mind….
I decided I like them…
Or do I?

Never mind….
I will wear one flip flop around for another day and decide if I will keep them.

Before we go any further I want to say
The folks in Lubbock made a bad decision firing Coach Leach..
A Very Bad Decision

You may be wondering what New Year Resolutions I will make this year

My 2010 New Year’s Resolutions are quite simple
This year I will no longer introduce myself as “Gary Busey’s Illegitimate Son”
(But I did enjoy signing all the autographs last year)
I will no longer judge people on their height, weight and color of their eyes.
Instead I will judge people based upon whether or not they like ABBA.
(They suck by the way)
And perhaps most important of all
I intend on taking more time this year to enjoy my extensive collection of…
Herve Villechaize albums of classic Love Songs

These Urban Myer Flip Flops make me jump from subject to subject
Don’t they?
I am taking them off for good….
I changed my mind, I’m keeping them

Have a Great Year my Friends……

Enjoy!

One other thing…..
For you that doubt the soothing power of Herve Villechaize classic Love Songs
Please enjoy the following short clip
And before you ask….
“No” you may not borrow my albums

Click here to view the embedded video.

THE BOWL GAMES

Friday January 1st 2010

OUTBACK BOWL
Tampa Florida
Northwestern and Auburn
With both teams in this game being of the feline variety
I would have thought it more appropriate to have this game
Sponsored by “Tidy Cat”
Never Mind…..
WAR DAMN EAGLE 33-24

CAPITAL ONE BOWL
Orlando Florida
Penn State and LSU
Lions and Tigers O’ My!
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-17

KONICA MINOITA GATOR BOWL
Jacksonville Florida
West Virginia and Florida State
In Honor of Coach Bobby’s last game…
The College Football Hall of Fame will display the legendary Coach’s sideline apparel in a special exhibit honoring the Tallahassee legend.
On display will be Coach Bobby’s Vietcong “Coaches” hat, welding goggles and trousers with a forty inch zipper.
SEMI-NOLES 31-28

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder…..
Considering the title sponsor of this bowl game…
Does the winner of this game get something that looks like a Komodo Dragon?

ROSE BOWL
Pasadena California
The Ohio State and Oregon
The Granddaddy of them all…..
The Ducks can go Quack themselves…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 28-17

ALLSTATE SUGAR BOWL
New Orleans
Florida and Cincinnati
This one will be nothing but Gators…..
Believe it…
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Saturday January 2nd 2010

AT&T COTTON BOWL
Dallas Texas
Oklahoma State and Ole Miss
I had some of the best days of my life in Dallas…..
Not that it really matters here…..
I had a variety of headlines for this game I wanted to use…
“The Prairie Wind touches Ole Miss is a naughty place”
“These Rebels are Nutts”
“You can’t beat Ole Miss Nutts”
But you expect higher standards from me
So I will simply say
NUTTY REBELS 34-24

AUTOZONE LIBERTY BOWL
Memphis Tennessee
East Carolina and Arkansas
The winner of this game gets a free oil change and a tire rotation.
Which is nice…
RAZORBACKS 38-17

INTERNATIONAL BOWL
Toronto Canada
South Florida and Northern Illinois
Let me tell you what I learned about Canada….
When the speed limit signs say “80”
They mean “80 Kilometers an Hour” which equates to about “50 miles per hour”
For those you that may be wondering what “80 miles an hour” is in Kilometers?
It’s 128 Kilometers an Hour, at least that’s what my ticket said.
That’s No Bull
SUNSHINE BULLS 28-24

PAPAJOHNS.COM BOWL
Birmingham Alabama
Connecticut and South Carolina
Did you know when Lou Holtz says “Connecticut” he spits halfway across the room?
STEVE’S GAMECOCKS 38-17

VALERO ALAMO BOWL
San Antonio Texas
Texas Tech and Michigan State
I believe having a Mexican sponsorship for the Alamo Bowl
Is just plain wrong.
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 33-28

Monday January 4th 2010

TOSTITOS FIESTA BOWL
Glendale Arizona
Texas Christian and Boise State
There is only one thing that can be said about this game
It’s going to be a dandy
HORNED FROGS 24-23

Tuesday January 5th 2010

FEDEX ORANGE BOWL
Miami Florida
Georgia Tech and Iowa
As many close games as these two teams have played this year
Don’t you think “Nine Lives Cat Food” should be the sponsor?
Just wondering…
RAMBLING WRECK 31-17

Wednesday January 6th 2010

GMAC BOWL
Mobile Alabama
Central Michigan and Troy
For those fans and alumni of the two schools seeing the local sights before the game
I need to point out that due to a “funding” problem the statue of Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator at the Flora-Bama Lounge has yet to be completed.
I just thought you should know.
CHIPPEWA’S 33-31

Thursday January 7th 2010

THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
Pasadena California
The University of Texas Longhorns and The University of Alabama Crimson Tide
This will be a battle for the ages…..
Lee, It’s two more weeks on the couch for you my friend.
CRIMSON TIDE 33-21

I hope you all have a healthy and happy New Year
Hope to see you all next year

RTR
MEB

I’m glad you all enjoyed your first installment of the 2009 College Football Preseason Extravaganza.
But last week’s installment was like Diet Pepsi compared to this week…
Let’s move on to the “real” thing….
And discuss who will win the Conference Championships…

As well as the ultimate prize…
A trip to Pasadena and a shot at the National Championship….

Enjoy….

FAMOUS COACH’S QUOTE
“With the little bits of information that I have, no, I’m not worried about that one bit. I’m more concerned about helping the process and cooperating to make sure that everything comes to the front. I’m confident that’s not where this is going.” …
In an interview on May 2, 2006 with USA Today and the Associated Press, Coach Pete Carroll of U$C talks about the possibility of U$C forfeiting games or being hit with NCAA sanctions.

GREAT COLLEGE FOOTBALL TRADITIONS
As we have discussed in the past….
College football is as much about the pageantry and fan involvement as it is about the game.
With that in mind let’s take a look at some of the lesser known traditions in college football:

INDIANIA UNIVERSITY:
Hoosier fans show up at the stadium “a little while” before the game begins.

RUTGERS:
Just moments prior to each contest, it is traditional for specially selected Scarlet Knight players to participate in the mysterious “coin toss” ritual.

TEXAS A&M:
In a tradition called “yell practice,” the student populace is re-taught how to spell the word “defense” in an exhaustive two-hour pregame ritual.

IOWA:
Hawkeye Fans all wear black or yellow sweatpants.

MICHIGAN STATE:
The entire student body comes down onto the field after every game and runs in circles until they collapse from dizziness.

PRINCETON:
On the morning before each game, hordes of Tiger fans gather together to hold hands and close their eyes tightly and imagine what it must have been like to win the first national championship

STANFORD:
Cardinal fans are too smart to believe they can affect the outcome of the football game, so they don’t do anything. Including attending the game…

MICHIGAN:
A new tradition this year, students, players, and fans will surely be pumped seeing former coach Lloyd Carr’s skull mounted above the home team’s sideline

NOTRE DAME:
As they leave the locker room, players reverently touch a sign reading..
“Act Like A Smug Arrogant Bastard Despite Playing For A Drastically Overrated Team That Isn’t Even in the top Twenty”.

MASCOT NEWS
TENNESSEE

Before we unveil the “new” University of Tennessee dog mascot it is important to do a quick review of the universities current mascots.
In no particular order the University of Tennessee mascots:

Mountain Man: Despite the fact they are neither the “Mountaineers” nor the “Mountain Men” this hasn’t stopped the University from having a student dressed like Fess Parker running along the sidelines with a musket.

Orange: Although the only fruits that are grown in the state of Tennessee are more of the “two-legged” variety and as we all know, the university doesn’t have a nickname after this tasty citrus fruit, hasn’t prevented the University from having a student arrayed in a foam rubber “Orange” costume to delight the crowd on the sidelines of Volunteer football games.

Student (Male) Smokey: Even though the universities athletic teams aren’t called the “Bulldogs”, “Pluto’s” or “Hound Dogs”, the university has a lucky student in a foam rubber costume of a dog leading the crowd in cheers at all the university athletic events.

Student (Female) Smokey: Please see description above…
As an added note: the University was concerned what the perception of having a “single” Foam Rubber “male” dog might look to the alumni and fans so they decided to have a “female” counterpart Foam Rubber Dog costumed mascot to accompany the male.

EDITORS NOTE: The idea to have a “female” dog replaced the first idea of an accompanying mascot…
The First Idea was to neuter the male foam rubber costumed mascot….
I understand there is a pending lawsuit…

Now Ladies and Gentlemen….
The Winner of the “new” Tennessee Dog mascot is…..

A tie…..

The three hounds pictured below were selected, as was described by the University of Tennessee Athletic Department, as having….
“The Look of the Tennessee Volunteer Fan Base….”

Enjoy….

COLLEGE FOOTBALLTEAM NEWS

FLORIDA: No need to continually thank me for picking you to win the National Title last year. Frankly the adulation embarrasses me.

NCAA: Many of you have written me concerning my recent articles on the NCAA Nazi’s forcing Universities and Colleges to change their mascots and nicknames.
Some of you have requested the names of the NCAA committee that has been responsible for determining what “is” or what “isn’t” racist or demeaning in college football.
Unfortunately I have been unsuccessful in getting the names of all the committee members.
However, I do have a photograph of the NCAA committee on mascots as they prepare to execute an unnamed college mascot.

EDITORS NOTE: Have no fear my dear readers and fellow animal lovers…
I am sure the bear in question was a racist…

FLORIDA STATE: The Administration of FSU and the Attorney General of the State of Florida are suing the NCAA for not complying with the States Open Record Laws concerning public institutions.

The NCAA responded by saying….
“We (The NCAA) can’t be forced to release documents in Florida State University’s appeal of sanctions because we (The NCAA) are not covered by the state’s public records law.”

EDITORS NOTE: Not required to follow state law?
So an organization in this country that requires universities and colleges from all 50 states to pay them, doesn’t have to comply with state laws? Really?

TENNESSEE: Recently the University of Tennessee announced that they will place billboards in the state of Florida to entice people to considering going to Tennessee.
The funny thing is….
I thought Tennessee always had billboards in Florida….
They say…
“See Rock City”

COLORADO: I want to take this opportunity to thank the University of Colorado for releasing my sister-in-law from her Buffalo “stunt double” mascot contract.
This will give her a chance to pursue her acting career in the “Messing with Sasquatch” beef jerky commercials. Also thank you for not pursuing that lawsuit after she gored that kid at the opening of that grocery store last year with her “calcium deposits”.

TEXAS A&M: You are still my favorite Agro-Americans.

VIRGINIA TECH: (CORRECTION) I erroneously reported in answering an email some weeks back that the “Hokey Pokey” was “not what it was all about…”
However, it has come to my attention….
That in Blacksburg Virginia, the home of the Mighty Virginia Tech Hokies, that the term has another meaning.
This term is also an accepted “pick-up” line for Virginia Tech students and alumni.
Proposed as a question…
“Hokey Pokey?”

Hope this cleared up any misunderstanding…

AUBURN: I want to address rumors and innuendos that have been circulating from the Auburn campus and reverberating around the college football landscape.
Coach Wayne Bolt of Auburn is NOT Howdy Doody.
I hope this has cleared up any misunderstanding.

Coach Wayne Bolt

CHATTANOOGA: I cannot in good conscience promote a “raciest shoe” university.
Or “Racist Shoe U” as they will now be called….

ALABAMA: The Tide is appealing their loss of 21 wins by the NCAA by comparing similar cases involving Ball State, Temple, Weber State and Texas State. All but Temple were cited for lack of institutional control and the cases themselves involved more athletes than was involved at Alabama.
Yet none of the above named schools had to vacate wins.

Alabama was found guilty of the lesser violation of failure to monitor.
If the NCAA doesn’t demonstrate some consistency in their rulings here…
I simply say…
If this doesn’t succeed, I say we secede.

BIG ELEVEN, I mean BIG TEN
Just one last question for the Conference big wigs…
If there are ELEVEN teams in the conference, then why is it called The BIG TEN?

EDITORS NOTE: How difficult can it be to get a math degree from one of these schools? If you have 13 + 28 and you say 14 can you still get a passing grade?
(Tennessee Fans Take Note: that is Incorrect)

PAC 10 Conference: Follow along closely…
The reason you are not respected in the college football world is simple…
You have a weak football conference that as a general rule won’t play anybody outside your conference unless they have the words “Academy” or “Design” in their school name. Lastly, you insist on playing your games at 2330 EST on Saturday night and frankly the rest of the college football world is too hung over to care.

PRE-SEASON EMAILS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
I think I may be able to help you and our readers with a vexing problem.
I recently conducted a lecture on Dielectrophoretic Manipulation of Nanoparticles,
And it occurred to me….
The sycophantic arguments on the Bowl Championship Series can easily be disproven utilizing a mathematical theory similar in structure to the theory of Hydrodynamics.
What do you think about my hypothesis?
Dr. Timothy – John Hopkins University

A: Honestly….
I didn’t understand a damn thing after “Dear Mr. Wizard…”

Q: Dear Sir,

First, let me start off by saying that I am in no way affiliated with the NCAA or it’s fine staff of administrators and investigators. I do, however, find it rather appalling that you have this “vendetta”, if you will, against the head of this fine organization, Mr. Myles Brand. You have spent an obviously, exorbitant amount of time pointing out the alleged errors of the NCAA and, frankly, it is a rather tedious endeavor.

I must say that even I, with no affiliation with the NCAA, find it rather offensive to say that the aforementioned organization is “arrogant.” One specific argument that you continue to mention to support your supposition has to do with the scurrilous scandal involving Florida State University. You say they exhibit said arrogance by failing to publicly release a copy of the findings of the NCAA publicly.
Well, my good man, a perfectly simple explanation to this is the fact that the NCAA probably doesn’t even recognize Florida as a state.
In fact, I believe in a couple of conversations with Mr Brand that the NCAA doesn’t recognize anything south of the Mason Dixon line or east of the Rio Grande River as a state.
Therefore, with that fact in mind, the NCAA wouldn’t have to recognize any such “state” law.
It’s all very simple and logical if you think about it.

Also, your suggestion that certain conferences should secede from the NCAA is quite naïve. They are a truly benevolent organization with only the best interests of the institutions and student athletes in hands. I believe that you should stop all mention of this so that the NCAA can continue to rake in as much money as possible for the benefit of all. After all, it does take quite a goodly amount of cash to investigate all of those guilty parties in the SEC. Also, we have to accommodate numerous dignitaries occasionally, and it would be appalling to have to do so without the plush furniture, exquisite dining, or lavish offices. Why, it cost over $86,000 for the bathroom fixtures alone, from what I’ve heard.

As I said, please stop the naïve rants and support this fine organization so that we may all benefit.

Sincerely
Iles-may Ant-Bray

A: Clever Myles….Very clever

Q: Dear sir,
I just wanted to point out something that I found quite ironic…..
You can’t spell NAACP without NCAA. How weird is that?
And how about this while we are on the subject….
They are two of the most biased organizations in America…
They get money and nobody knows where it goes….
They Both Hate Southerners….
AND..
One will make you a victim and the other lives off of playing it up as a victim.
Biff in Buckhead, Georgia

A: Damn fine points sir…..

Q: Mike, despite what the idiots at the NCAA say…
There is nothing racist about wearing a pair of moccasins…
In fact they are very comfortable…
I and Others enjoy wearing them around the house…
Dave – Little Rock, Arkansas

A: Sounds like to me you are “comfortable” being a racist….
Damn racist shoe wearing people….

Q: My name Anh Dung and I read article on mascots and NCAA you write.
My family here and I agree. You so right!
We want address to write NCAA to have mascot remove from Naval Academy.
Why you say?
Navy goat remind me of Ho Chi Min and communism.
I look in the eyes of goat and see communist evil.
Also Navy pilots almost bomb us back to Stone Age in war, destroy many things.
Navy goat mascot must go!
Anh Dung – San Francisco, California

A: Would it be safe to say considering your last name to state
That you are full of “Dung”….

THE CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS

BIG TEN, sorry I mean ELEVEN.
The Ohio State Buckeyes are the team to beat: Period.
However, do not count out Jo Pa…….
With the Buckeyes traveling to Happy Valley this year anything can happen.

The other threat to Buckeye supremacy will come from the Badgers of Wisconsin..
Despite having a mascot that looks like a weasel on steroids, the badgers have a favorable schedule and could upset a number of teams before the season is over.

Illinois minus Chief Illini (Because he is a racist…) will make some teams sweat and they will most assuredly be in a major bowl game this year.

Iowa will continue to disappoint….
Michigan…(See “Iowa” above..)

BIG 12
Nebraska will win the North Division of the BIG 12 this year….
That’s right I said it….
The Cornhuskers have a brutal schedule but they will get it done…
Remember you heard it here first…

The South Division will be decided in the Red River Shoot Out when Oklahoma squares off against Texas. Who ever wins the Red River Shoot Out could run the tables and I do mean all of them.
My guess?
The Eyes of Texas are Upon Me so I have to be careful….
The Mighty Longhorns….

But make no mistake; the Cowboys of Oklahoma State will make a lot of noise this year.
And yes…..
The Red Raiders of Texas Tech will still be dangerous….

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE
The game of the year will be an early one…..
The night of October 10th in Death Valley….
The Florida Gators will Visit the LSU Fightn’ Tigers….
This may decide it all ladies and gentlemen….

That aside…..
My Prognostication is simple as well as bias…
The Florida Gators will win the Eastern Division of the Conference….
The Alabama Crimson Tide will win the Western Division.
Neither of which will be undefeated when they meet in Atlanta…

The Conference Champion will head to Pasadena……
It will be the Mighty Florida Gators…..

ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE
Remember that you heard it here first.
The Virginia Tech Hokies will win it all in the ACC this year….
However…
There are several teams that will upset and otherwise disrupt Championship plans…
The Clemson Tigers….
The Yellow Jackets of Georgia Tech…
The Hurricanes of Miami….
And as always….
Coach Bobby’s Seminoles….

My Upset Sleeper…The Tar Heels of North Carolina…
Don’t count them out of any game this year…

CONFERENCE USA
Contrary to recent reports….
The Southern Miss Golden Eagles will win the Eastern Division of the Conference..
Followed Closely…very closely by East Carolina..
The Western Division will be ruled by the Houston Cougars…
Believe it….
And the Cougars will win the Conference title this year……

My Proud Ponies of SMU will be better than advertised….
As will the Tulsa Golden Hurricanes…
Which I still think their nickname sounds nasty…

But as a side note….
My Favorite Football movie of late is still….
“We Are Marshall”

My buddy Matthew McConaughey is in it….
If you haven’t seen it, you don’t know what you are missing…

EDITORS NOTE:
Ladies I will not get you Matthew’s autograph or send him any “items” that you forward to me…
So please stop asking….
Same goes for you “guys” on the west coast…
Stop it, you’re creeping me out…

PAC 10
Be prepared to be shocked…

The Oregon State Beavers will win the PAC 10 Title this year….
Followed closely by the Devils from the Sun at Arizona State and the U$C Trojans…
Believe it….

BIG EAST
This year the competition in the conference has never been tougher…
West Virginia….
Louisville….
Cincinnati….
Pittsburgh….
South Florida…
Connecticut …
Anyone of these teams has the ability to take the conference championship…

My Take….
Friday Night on November 27th in Morgantown West Virginia…
Light those couches…
The Mountaineers will win the Big East Conference Title..

Do not count out South Florida….And that’s NO Bull….

But as a side note, Syracuse will continue to be beaten like dirty rug….

WESTERN ATHLETIC CONFERENCE
Remember you read it here first…..
The Broncos of Boise State will win the Conference Title this year…….
Finish the season….Undefeated and be in the mix for the National Title.
Believe it……

MOUNTAIN WEST
The Horned Frogs of Texas Christian University will take the Conference Title this year…But they will not get away undefeated.
Hot on the tail of the Frogs will be Utah and Brigham Young University…
One hiccup by the Frogs and one of these teams will leap frog to the top…

EDITORS NOTE: You may be asking yourself….
Why is My Favorite College Football Prognosticator picking these Conferences this year? I got two words for you…..
“Sugar Bowl”

THE ARMED FORCES TROPHY

The winner of the 2009 Armed Forces Trophy will be….
I will give you a hint….
It rhymes with “Wavy”…..

INDEPENDENTS
This is one is always too easy for me…..
Let’s see who we have to choose from?
There is Notre Dame…..
Hoobastank State…..
Roy Rogers Western Wear Academy….
Armadillo Taxidermy College….

Although I really like Roy Rogers I will have to go with the Boy’s from South Bend.

THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP…….
The Rose Bowl in Pasadena California……
You will have to wait until next week……

So stay Tuned….
Only 27 more days until Kickoff

RTR
MEB

I want to apologize for the format on my first post back from overseas…

In case you were wondering…
The last post was “not” intended as an Eye Chart…

Glad to see is Hootie back….
(In a strange “Ripley’s Believe it or Not” kind of way)

But I honestly could have done without the picture…
Try not to leave too many comments for him…
It only encourages him….

We have a lot to catch up on so let’s get to it.

Enjoy your update!

TEAM SPRING FOOTBALL NEWS

ARKANSAS: Coach Bobby Petrino has transfer quarterback Ryan Mallett ready to play and if spring practice is any indication a major bowl game is in their future.
Believe it…..

RUTGERS: Nobody cares…..

COLORADO: Remember you heard it here first….
The Buffalos will be lucky to win seven games in 2009…
Beat the rush…
Start looking for your new football coach now…

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously….
You all aren’t on probation yet? Really?

BOISE STATE: The Bronco’s are reloading and will spoil someone’s New Year’s plans…
Believe it…

SMU: Coach Jones with another year under his saddle will have my once proud ponies back in the winners circle.

LOUISVILLE: Please See “Colorado”..
and substitute “Buffalos” with “Cardinals”.

TEXAS TECH: The Red Raiders will need to replace an outstanding quarterback and an ALL-World wide reciever during spring practice.
But I am betting that Coach Leach has a plan…

TEXAS: Two words for you: Colt McCoy…Enough said.

NORTH CAROLINA: Coach Butch Davis has the Tar Heels pointed in the right direction and if the injury bug doesn’t bite them…
The Tar Heels could be the team to beat next year in the ACC…

WASHINGTON: I still miss Coach James…
I bet the Huskie Fans do too….

FLORIDA STATE: What would football practice in Tallahassee be without a player being suspended?

Wide receiver Rod Owens was “Suspended Indefinitely” by Coach Bobby this week after Owens was arrested for DUI.
Least we forget…
This follows the arrest of five players (all receivers) last fall…
For their role in a noon-hour campus brawl…

EDITORS NOTE: I had a nice rhyme going there..

That led to the suspension of sophmore Bert Reed, who as you may remember was suspended three times last season for diffrent reasons.

EDITORS NOTE: The term “Suspended Indefinitely” in Tallahassee means you will not be allowed to play in (one) game against either the South Georgia Taxidermy Academy or the Breaux Bridge Vietnamese Hair Salon and Nail Institute.

MIAMI: If spring practice is any indication….
The Mighty Hurricanes are for real….
AND will be playing for the ACC Championship…

TENNESSEE: For the “That will be the Day File”…
“New” Coach Lane Tiffin dismissed defensive back “starter” Demetrice Morley from the team the team for violating team rules…
Is this a sign that Coach Fulmer’s “25 Strikes and your Out” policy is over?

Time will solve that mystery for all of us…

EDITORS NOTE: I honestly didn’t think Tennessee had any “team rules”…

CINCINNATI: The Bearkats are having an outstanding spring practice…
They are my early season pick to win the Big East…
Believe it…

NCAA: Seriously, do I have to MapQuest Reggie Bush’s momma’s house for you?
Because you know I can…

NCAA PART II: Is it just me….
But don’t you think if President Miles Brand of the NCAA had a different hair cut…
and a funny little mustache that he would look like Adolph Hitler?
Maybe it’s just the way he acts?

EMAIL Q & A

Q: Mike are the Tennessee Football players really suing the makers of “Pot Pies”?
Because pot pies are hard to light and didn’t give them a buzz?
That is too funny!
Nadine – Athens, Georgia

A: It’s true Nadine.
However I failed to mention the additional lawsuit…
Tennessee football players have filed a lawsuit against the Armour Food Corporation.
It would appear from the initial complaint that the football players are suing
for “undisclosed damages” from burning their lips on cans of Armour potted meat
while trying to light them……

Q: I know it’s too early to be asking you…
But I CANNOT take another season of West Point football!
Another year of the Midshipmen beating Army…
Is the drought against Navy going to end anytime soon?
Col. Martin – The Big Red One, Baghdad, Iraq

A: The day you see a flying pig will be a clue Colonel..

EDITORS NOTE: A “Flying Pig”..
is in no way intended as a reference to Wynona Judd..
or her commercial for American Airlines.

Q: Mike was that picture of Hootie Snitch “real”?
I can’t believe that is his real neck!
That was a joke right?
Dave – Columbus, Ohio

A: Dave why do you think he grew a Mullet?
Just be thankful you don’t have to buy him a turtle neck sweater.

Q: Mike what was the first thing you did every day when you woke up over in Iraq?
Tommy – Hollywood, South Carolina

A: Same thing I do back in the states Tommy…
I Remember the Alamo…

Q: The Ivy League has produced some of the finest politicians and leaders the world has ever seen.
Could you see fit to show us the respect our League is due this coming season?
Reginald – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: Well….
Darrell Royal invented the “Wishbone Formation”..
So what’s your point?

Q: Mike, what the Hell is the President of Georgia (Mike Adams) trying to do now?
Wanting to move the Florida -Georgia game to Atlanta?
Thanks!
Mark – Gainesville, Florida

A: Well, first things first Mark…
President Adams treated the GREAT Coach Dooley disrespectfully..
I don’t want to go into it here…
But he should have been publically flogged for that…

Then he tried to change the name of the game…
That has ALWAYS been known as….
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”…
To something “Less offensive…
and something “that doesn’t glorify alcohol use…”

IN fact (you may remember) when President Adams was in the process….
Of changing the name of the Florida – Georgia game…
He refused to accept “any” of my suggestions for the name change…

My Top Three Choices….
to Replace the name of the Florida- Georgia game…

1. Mike Adams can Kiss My Ass Party
2. The Day Mike Adams Died
3. Cinco De Mayo

So to answer your question Mark..
It’s hard to know what goes on in the mind of an idiot…

Q: Mike do you think Coach Rod will turn the Wolverines aroud this year?
Chuck – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Yes he will Chuck; 360 degrees.

Q: So what is Coach Phil Fulmer doing now that he is “retired”?
Chase – Columbia, South Carolina

A: Most recently Phil Fulmer was seen leading the parade as the Grand Marshall…
at the Mule Days in Columbia Tennessee…

EDITORS NOTE: “Mule Days” is in no way a reference to Phil Fulmer’s wife.
Although the last time I saw a face like her’s it had a bit in it’s mouth…

Q: Mike, I noticed in the portion of your website entitled…
“About your favorite College Football Prognosticator”…
that you are afraid of “Midgets”? Why?
Toni – Birmingham, Alabama

A: WHY? See the link below…

http://services.sled.sc.gov/sor/view.aspx?SRS=2649

Before you email me…
“Yes” the height and weight are correct…

This proves that midgets are dangerous….

RTR

MEB

It’s time for the kickoff of the 2008 College Football Season and your favorite College Football Prognosticator has the answers to the questions you so desperately seek.

Will the Duke Blue Devils have more than a dozen fans at home football games this season?
ANSWER: No, they will not.

Is the theme from “Deliverance” the “official” Fight Song of the University of Tennessee?
ANSWER: Yes…..complete with a shoeless boy and his banjo.

Does Notre Dame have an “outside” shot at the National Championship this year?
ANSWER: They have the same chance of winning the National Championship as the boys from Menudo do of having a reunion tour.

Will some fans be in need of a liver transplant by the end of the season?
ANSWER: Yes, I just hope this year it’s not me….(again)

So, have no fear my friends.
I am here to guide you through the many cheers and tears of the 2008 College Football Season.

Enjoy Your Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday, August 28th

Northeastern at Ball State
Hey! David Letterman went to Ball State!
In case you were wondering…
That is still no reason to care about this game.
CARDINALS 33-14

Eastern Illinois at Central Michigan
I don’t care what anybody says, I still think “Chippewas” sounds like a fungal infection.
CHIPPEWAS 28-17

Indiana State at Eastern Michigan
Why did Indiana State name their team the “Sycamores”?
Is THAT particular tree suppose to frighten you more than another species of hardwood?
Never Mind…
EAGLES 38-10

Hofstra at Connecticut
I will never understand why a group of yankees decided to name their college after a butt rash.
HUSKIES 43-10

Southwest Missouri Baptist at Southeast Missouri State
My Ole Buddy E.J. Junior Coaches at Southwest and that’s good enough for me.
BEARCATS 33-28

Jacksonville State at Georgia Tech
I would watch this game but Midgets are Jousting on Pay-Per-View.
YELLOW JACKETS 38-13

Vanderbilt at Miami (Ohio)
Have you ever seen a Palm tree or Orange tree in Ohio?
They are such poseurs….
COMMODORES 24-17

Carson Newman at Concord
Concord as in the grape?
If the Eagles were playing “Boones Farm” I might feel different.
SPARKS EAGLES 38-10

Eastern Kentucky at Cincinnati
The Colonels will be reduced to Private First Class by the Third Quarter…
BEARKATS 34-13 

Charleston Southern at Miami
Why Charleston Southern you may ask?
Because the Clown College was already scheduled to play Florida State.
HURRICANES 41-6 

Wake Forest at Baylor
There is no truth to the rumor that Jimmy Swaggart will be the Demon Deacon mascot at home games this year. But it hasn’t stopped me from spreading it.
DEMON DEACONS 24-10

South Dakota State at Iowa State
The History of Waffles are on the Food Channel or I would watch this one.
CYCLONES 34-10

Oregon State at Stanford
I will not stoop to making off-color Beaver jokes this early in the season.
When there is always next week…
BEAVERS 24-16

North Carolina State at South Carolina
The Wolfpack have a new coach and a new look on offense…..
GAMECOCKS 27-23

Friday, August 29th

Temple at Army
This game will be like watching old people eat a cheap steak…
At first its funny and then it’s just sad…
BLACK KNIGHTS 3-2

Southern Methodist at Rice
My Once Proud Ponies are for real this year….Believe it.
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Saturday, August 30th

Youngstown State at Ohio State
If you think what the folks in Canada do to baby seals is bad…
Then you don’t want to see what the Buckeyes have in store for a bunch of Penguins.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-10

Akron at Wisconsin
What’s with naming a team “The Zips”?
Is that short for Zippers?
What does the announcer say? The Zippers are down in the first quarter…
That is just disgusting…
THE POWER OF CHEESE WHIZ 33-13

Virginia Tech at East Carolina
Doesn’t Lou Holtz’s son Coach at East Carolina?
That’s good enough for me…
HOKIES 89-0 

Coastal Carolina at Penn State
Interesting Fact: “Chanticleer” is Latin for, “A prostitute for a university or college athletic department. Willing to get the living hell beat out of you for a payday or paycheck for the university general fund.”
Coincidence? I think not…
JO PA’S LIONS 44-3

Bowling Green at Pittsburgh
I would LOVE to watch this game but the Muppets are re-enacting the Battle of New Orleans on PBS.
PANTHERS 27-17

Syracuse at Northwestern
I don’t care and neither should you.
WILDCATS 3-2

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously, nobody cares.

Western Kentucky at Indiana
If this was a basketball game it might actually be worth watching.
It isn’t…….so don’t.
HOOSIERS 24-13

Maine at Iowa
Why? My point exactly…
HAWKEYES 34-10

Georgia Southern at Georgia
I have only four simple words to say about this game…
How Bout Them Dawgs!!!!!
BIG DAWGS 31-14

Hawaii at Florida
I think the Hawaii mascot looks like Jimmy “Super Fly” Snuka….
On Meth…
MIGHTY GATORS 38-10

Southern California at Virginia
IF only this game was last year…..It would have been different.
TROJAN$ 43-21

EDITORS NOTE: What ever happened to the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and Southern California? Just wondering….

Villianova at West Virginia
What I wouldn’t give to have a second hand furniture store in Morgantown…
I would have more money than Ernest Tubb…
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 44-6

Utah at Michigan
Wolverine fans, I have some good news and some bad news.
The Bad news is that the Utah football team is better than you think..
The Other Bad news is that Coach Rod’s wife is going to “perform” at halftime…
Sorry, I really don’t have any good news…
WOLVERINES 24-23

Oklahoma State at Washington State
I like Coach Gundy. He can damn sure Cowboy up!
COWBOYS 24-20 

Towson at Navy
I have so many questions about this game…
What the hell is a “Towson”?
Why does Navy have a goat as a mascot?
Will William Shatner release an album of Donna Summer songs this year?
MIDSHIPMEN 28-17

Delaware at Maryland
What is the deal with calling your team the “Fighting Blue Hens”?
It didn’t scare Col. Sanders and it won’t scare the Ninja Turtles…
FIGHTING TERPS 28-23

Tulsa at UAB
I also don’t understand why the folks at University of Alabama – Birmingham named their team the “Blazers” and have a Dragon for a mascot. I have NEVER seen a Dragon in Birmingham Alabama: EVER.
But I did have this blind date once there….Never mind.
GOLDEN HURRICANES 31-17

Illinois State at Marshall
No Redbird can stand up to a Thundering Herd…
It’s a rule…
THUNDERING HERD 27-10

Appalachian State at LSU
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!
Sorry, that was last years ASU headline pick…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-17

McNeese State at North Carolina
I knew a McNeese once…
Jeremy McNeese used to dress up in his grandmothers clothes and light things on fire.
I think he gets out on parole in 2015…never mind.
TAR HEELS 34-14

Texas Christian at New Mexico
Life teaches us many odd lessons…
Like for example, I know a lot of TCU alumni.
Everyone of them is good as gold and a hell of a lot of fun.
I have met two New Mexico graduates recently and both of them are horses asses.   
Enough said…
HORNED FROGS 31-24

Mississippi State at Louisiana Tech
Coach Croom’s Bulldogs are the only REAL Dogs in this fight.
CROOMS DOGS 27-17

Chattanooga at Oklahoma
By the time the folks from Chattanooga hear, “Oooo Say can you see….”
They will down by two touchdowns…
BOOMER SOONERS 54-10

Louisiana Monroe at Auburn
What the hell is Monroe thinking?
WAR EAGLES 38-13

Florida Atlantic at Texas
By the time this one is over Florida will wish they were in the Pacific…
LONGHORNS 34-10

Eastern Washington at Texas Tech
There are few things as enjoyable as a Saturday afternoon in Lubbock…
Have I mentioned that it’s the home of Buddy Holly?
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 44-17

Florida International at Kansas
I think the folks from “International” come to Kansas so they can flaunt their sophistication…
JAYHAWKS 33-17

Western Illinois at Arkansas
This is going to be uglier than Prom Night at the School for the Blind.
RAZORBACKS 54-3

Northern Illinois at Minnesota
Why are Minnesota’s Gophers Golden?
Are they richer than our Gophers?
Does the fact that their Gophers are Golden somehow make them better than us?
I hate arrogant groundhogs…
GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-20

Memphis at Ole Miss
This game is the Battle for the Elvis….
I think the winner gets a Velvet Poster of Elvis…
Before he discovered complex carbohydrates…
REBELS 24-21

Western Michigan at Nebraska
Coach Bo will have the Big Red Machine in High gear for this one…
Believe it…
HUSKERS 38-10

Arkansas State at Texas A&M
The Indians haven’t had this much trouble since the Federal government showed up and said…
“Sign Here”….
GIG EM AGGIES 33-13

Southern University at Houston
The Cougars are Loaded this year….and
Southern has a wonderful Liberal Arts Program…
Enough said…
COUGARS 31-7

Louisiana Lafayette at Southern Miss
Just for the record…
I am STILL upset about Coach Jeff Bowers leaving USM…
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-10

North Texas at Kansas State
I would really enjoy watching this game…
 But VH1 is having a “Special” on David Hasselhoff: The Man, The Myth, The Music.
Times like this I wish I had TIVo.
WILDCATS 24-14

Tennessee Martin at South Florida
I think Martin is going to get a South Florida ass whipping…
NO BULL 34-10

Boston College at Kent State
I cannot in good conscience…
Pull for a school known for anti-war protesting and National Guard bullet traps…
EAGLES 28-10

Michigan State at California
The Spartans will keep this closer than you might think…a lot closer. 
O’ So Golden Bears 20-17 

Idaho State at Boise State
“Famous Potatoes” gets Mashed…film at Eleven.
BRONCOS 38-7

Illinois at Missouri
MO Knows Football……….
MO’s TIGERS 28-17

Northern Arizona at Arizona State
What do you get if you win this “Big” instate game?
A cactus and free maid service for a week?
SUN DEVILS 31-14

Washington at Oregon
Where is Coach James when you need him…?
QUACKERS 3-2

Idaho at Arizona
Everytime I hear about Idaho, I remember this girl from High School named Ida.
Never mind….
WILDCATS 20-10

Alabama and Clemson
NO Cream Puff Game Here….
THIS is HOW you start a Season…
Clemson has one of the Very Best Quarterbacks in the Nation…
The Tigers have a returning Offense and Defense that is second to none… 
I Dearly love my adopted Clemson Tiger Family.
You all know who you are….
I wish I was tailgating with you all right now..
Win, Lose or Draw…we are still family.

CRIMSON TIDE 27-24

Sunday, August 31st

Kentucky at Louisville
This game is alot like going to my wife’s family reunion in Eastern Kentucky..
There is bitterness, cussing and fighting….followed by hard feelings.
Never mind. This game is EXACTLY like her family reunion.
CARDINALS 27-23 

Colorado State at Colorado
While I am on the subject of my wife’s family…
Please be sure and watch my sister-in-law “run” onto the field as the Colorado mascot “Ralphie”..
Hey, I am NOT Complaining! We are just glad she is working…
BUFFALOS 31-28

Monday September 1st

Fresno State at Rutgers
If you really care about this game….
Then you probably didn’t have enough to drink during the earlier games..
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 23-17

Tennessee at UCLA
This game is like trying to decide who to pull for in a War between Iran and Syria….
VOWELS 31-17

Your Weekly Email Q&A and Team News will be presented on Sunday.
Only 5 Days until Kickoff…..

Enjoy the Games!

RTR
MEB

With little more than a week away from the opening kickoff of our 2008 College Football Season, it got me thinking about our passion for our teams, our colors, our players and our legends of the Fall.

The passion we share for this sport often transcends other thoughts and emotions.

The Love for our school and team runs deep and so does our hatred for our rivals.

I know graduates of the University of Montana that will not stop for gas (or anything else for that matter) in Bozeman because it is the home of the Montana State Bobcats. Which I was told sucks.

I have met Missouri Tiger Fans that will drive an extra 100 miles, just so they don’t have to go through Kansas on the way to Nebraska.

According to the Missouri Tiger Fan: “Kansas is known as the Sunflower State.
There are three kinds of Sun in Kansas. Sunflowers…Sunshine…and Sons of Bi#@&*!

Our passion begins at birth and does not end with death.

This past year Lady Bird Johnson passed away near Austin Texas.

Please notice the Priests giving the “sign” in the below video……..

WARNING: If you are a Texas A&M Aggie or an Oklahoma Sooner; please skip the video and continue reading.

Click here to view the embedded video.

 That my friends….is Passion.

Enjoy Your Update!

TEAM NEWS

CINCINNATI: This past week BearKat quarterback Ben Mauk filed a lawsuit against the NCAA after the “organization” rejected the young mans final appeal for another year of eligibility.

The same day the lawsuit was filed, Hardin County Judge William Hart, in Mauk’s home area of Kenton, Ohio, granted a temporary restraining order that says the NCAA cannot prevent him from practicing with the BearKats.

The judge set an Aug. 22 hearing on Mauk’s request for a permanent injunction against the NCAA.

Mauk came back from career-threatening injuries to lead Cincinnati last year to a No. 17 ranking in the final poll. He passed for 31 touchdowns and 3,121 yards even though his right arm and shoulder were still in pain.

Mauk broke the arm and separated the shoulder in Wake Forest’s season opener in 2006, then transferred to Cincinnati.

He appealed to the NCAA for an extra year of eligibility because of the injuries, but was turned down.
A second appeal claiming he redshirted his freshman year at Wake Forest in part because of different injuries also was rejected.

Mauk then went to the NCAA’s reinstatement committee, which ruled last week there wasn’t enough medical documentation to support his claim that he missed his freshman year because of injury.
His lawsuit says it’s not his fault that files weren’t maintained.

The NCAA was disappointed by the ruling, a spokesman said:

“We look forward to explaining more fully our reasons for the decision and the careful review given not only by our staff but also by representatives from our member schools” spokesman Erik Christianson said in a statement.

Additionally the NCAA is threatening the University of Cincinnati with forfeiting their season if Ben Mauk even takes to the practice field.

EDITORS NOTE: Soooooo “other” member schools have a say-so in the rules and who is eligibile and who isn’t? Really? That is what I like to refer to as “A Damn Lie.”

NCAA: Don’t you all have something more important to do than screw with a quarterback in Cincinnati, like say for example….FINISH the INVESTIGATION into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

FLORIDA STATE: Florida State defensive end Markus White returned to practice Friday, a day after suffering a seizure. FSU officals said that White takes medication to control an undisclosed medical condition and that Thursday was not the first time he had a seizure.

When Coach Bobby was asked if White should be playing under the circumstances, he replied; “Now listen, I have discussed this before and I still believe that you shouldn’t discriminate against anyone because of their skin color. I think there is a place on this team for Whites, Blacks, Hispanics and Lord what I would give to have an Asian Kicker, like that Polish kid we had a few years ago.”

EDITORS NOTE: If you look up “Dementia” in the 2008 Websters Dictionary, it says “See Bobby Bowden.”

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: It seems the Trojans have suffered a “rash” of injuries lately.
According to the Los Angeles Times over 25% of the Trojan team has been affected by Jock Itch.

Coach Pete Carroll told the Times that “he has never seen anything like the current outbreak” and is pointing the finger at the new compression shorts the team is wearing underneath their football pants.

EDITORS NOTE: Every other football team in America is wearing the new shorts and nobody has the same problem as the Trojans. Couldn’t be the Pink Thongs your team is wearing at practice? Right Coach?
(Please see the August 6th Update on your College Football Wizard)
No word yet on the status of the players affected or Coach Carroll’s yeast infection.

NOTRE DAME: Early last week Notre Dame Officals reported that Head Coach Charlie Weis had lost over 100 pounds during the off-season. Unfortunately Coach Charlie “turned around” and found it on Friday.

OLYMPICS: The Folks at NBC want you to believe that “The World is Coming to China” for the Olympic games. Really? So where is the Antarctica Beach Volleyball Team? My Point exactly….

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: STOP saying that Coach Rod’s wife is a ten dollar Hooker! She IS NOT a TEN DOLLAR Hooker! Got it!
Anonymous – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Coach, I mean “anonymous”… I never said your wife was a ten dollar hooker.
I said your wife “looks” like a ten dollar hooker, acts like a ten dollar hooker and talks like a ten dollar hooker. Hope that cleared up any misunderstanding.

Q: Mike, it’s that time of year again, so I have to ask…What’s the difference between a Georgia Tech Cheerleader and a Pig?
P.S. How Bout them Dawgs!
Stan – Athens, Georgia

A: Stan, I would have to say about 25 pounds, a bad case of acne and Black and Gold painted toenails.

Q: Dear Sir: I am one of the Metaphysical Psychics hired by the University of Southern California Trojan football team to assist with the players delicate psychological balance.
Please desist with your negative comments concerning the Trojans, it is hurtful to the players.
Thank you.
Dr. Quan – Los Angeles, California

A: Wow, so you are a “mind reader”? Do you know what I am thinking right now?
If you guessed “The Trojans Suck”, you are right!

Q: Hey Mike! Could you tell me where I can find lingerie for a pig?
It’s not for me, honest! It’s for a friend.
Scooter – Lenoir City, Tennessee

A: I would suggest checking at Fredericks of Obknoxville.  

Only 12 Days until Kickoff……

Your College Football Picks for the first games of the season will be posted next weekend.

RTR
MEB

I have good news to report. 
Not only is “Dog The Bounty Hunter” back on the air, but we are only 19 days away from the opening kickoff of the 2008 College Football Season.
And you all know what that means…..it is time for your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza.

I know that it may be difficult for many of you to concentrate on the upcoming College Football Season with the latest news of the week.
Much like you I was shocked by what I heard.
Please, do not worry.
Even though Russia was reported to have invaded Georgia, I can assure you all they will never make it past Valdosta.
Those Georgia Boys will whip their ass.

Enjoy Your Picks!

Pre-Season Observations and Pronostications

ESPN: The College Football Crew of ESPN College Gameday will continue to ignore the Reggie Bush- Southern California Trojan scandal because the network has too much money invested in showing PAC-10 Football games.

ESPN Part II: As a side note, how about showing the College Marching Bands at Halftime?
You can run the scores at the bottom of the screen because most of us can READ.
We (The College Football Fans) do not need three or four talking heads in the “studio” to tell us what we already know.

College Football Announcers and Commentators

Sometime during the 2008 College Football Season we will tune into “our” game and find one of the below individuals that suffers from chronic diarrea of the mouth “announcing” the game.
My suggestion?
Hit the mute button.

Lou Holtz: As I reported last year; The “One Time” Coach that has left every single university team in his career under NCAA Investigation is not a human being at all, but a 145 pound Tom Turkey.
Why do we need to hear him gobble and spit for an hour in the studio before kickoff? 
My point exactly.

Mark “Milk Dud Head” May: I am guessing his Resume says he is a “Master of the Obvious”. 
If my team is down by two touchdowns at half time, I REALLY don’t need to hear Milk Dud Head say, “They need to score more points if they expect to win this game.” 
Really? You figured that out all by yourself? Thanks Rain Man.

Bret Musburger: If you look up “Gibbering Jackass” in Websters Dictionary, it says; “See Bret Musburger.”

Vern Lundquist: Most of the time this syphilitic old Troll doesn’t even know which sport he is announcing. Here is a hint: Golf and Basketball metaphors don’t have ANY place in College Football.
Dumbass.

Dan Foust: You put the “Dumb” in “Ass”. Congratulations.

Bob Griese: See Above

Pam Ward: See “Dan Foust” Above

Archie Manning: Do you know how to tell when Archie is saying something stupid?
His lips are moving.

Whoa Nelly! Where is the Great Keith Jackson when you really need him?

SOUTHERN CAL: The Trojans will continue to be the Darlings of media, that is until they line up against the Mighty Buckeyes of Ohio State on 13 September. Then the excuses will begin….

MICHIGAN: The Wolverines will start out the year 1and 4 this year. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Wolverine Fans, look at the bright side:
You have the only college football coach in the nation who’s wife dresses like a ten dollar hooker.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Coach Croom proved he can Coach and Motivate; expect more of the same this year. To include another Bowl game.

I still think Auburn’s mascot “aubie” looks like that cat on a bag of Cheetos.

IOWA: Unfortunately the “Hawkeyes” passed on the sponsorship of a major fried chicken franchise and a mascot name change to “Popeyes” due to ongoing litigation by Olive Oil and Brutus.

INDIANA: Also in mascot news; the “Hoosiers” have passed on a wonderful sponsorship opportunity by a Nationally known “Wing” Restaurant and will not rename their team the “Hooters”.

EDITORS NOTE: The Hoosiers are however still negotiating with the FOX Network on a limited sponsorship with a popular television program and renaming their them the “Homers”.

I still think Terry Bowden looks like a shaved Groundhog.

NEBRASKA: Big Red isn’t all the way back, but Coach Bo will get them there sooner than you think.

TENNESSEE: It was reported last week in the Nashville Tennessean that the University of Tennessee leads the nation with the largest athletic recruiting budget spending more than 2 Million dollars a year in private and public air transportation, rental cars and lodging.

Two Million Dollars A Year? Really?

Over a Million More than Notre Dame, Texas and Ohio State? Wow…..

EDITORS NOTE: Just because the University of Tennessee is the ONLY College or University in the country with a convicted felon on their board of directors is no reason to think anything is wrong.
I mean, just because he was convicted in Federal Court for embezzlement is no reason to worry.
After all, he isn’t like the last university President that charged the university over $180, 000 dollars per home game for “entertainment”, right? How much money did he “misappropriate”? Ten Million Dollars?

You Volunteer fans enjoy that 26% tution hike this year. I am sure your money is being well spent.

COLLEGE REFEREES
Despite a valiant effort by the PAC 10 Officials last year in screwing a number of teams out of wins, they will have to bring their Coke Bottle Glasses and Seeing Eyed Dogs to beat the Master of Disaster when it comes missed calls and determining the outcome of games.
I am talking of course, of the Southeastern Conferences own Penn Wagers.
That guy could screw up a two car parade.

This year a team from the Eastern Middle Western Northern Southern Conference will claim they should get a shot at the Championship because they beat a Taxidermy School from North Carolina.

This year I will still wonder who is actually on the BCS Committee.
Currently, I believe the committee is comprized of a group of chimpanzees on crack that make their respective decisions with the use of a dart board.

This year the Ivy League will still suck.

West Point: See above

OLYMPICS: If I hear one more time that Wong Chang Woo enjoys watching reruns of “Friends” and playing “Clue” my head is going to explode.

CONTENDERS and PRETENDERS

PRETENDERS

IOWA: The Hawkeyes must have worked really hard to arrange a schedule were they didn’t have to play ANYBODY of note in their Conference this year. No Michigan or Ohio State, just dates with Wisconsin and Penn State to round out a schedule dominated by cream puffs.

TEXAS A&M: Coach Sherman doesn’t even know the names of his players, do you think he is ready for the Big 12? The answer my friends is, no he isn’t.

EDITORS NOTE: For reasons that I don’t need to go into here, I can’t in good conscience pull for any Coach Named “Sherman.”

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Shouldn’t you all be on NCAA Probation by now? Just wondering….

ARKANSAS: The Mighty Razorbacks are a young team with a new coach.
They are two or three years away from the Southeastern Conference Championship game.

FLORIDA STATE: Due to recent restrictions in the Florida Parole system, the Seminoles will be unable to field a championship caliber team. There, I said it.

EDITORS NOTE: The fact that Coach Bobby can’t dress himself or remember what year it is should have no impact on his play calling. Which is nice…

LOUISVILLE: No Defense, means No Conference Championship. Period.

NOTRE DAME: You might beat Navy this year, but you all are a long way away from winning anything that really matters. Might I suggest scheduling the School that Re-Treads Tires and the Vietnamese Nail Salon in Lake Charles. Wait, Florida State has already scheduled those schools, sorry.

MICHIGAN: The Wolverines are in for a long season….a really long season.

COLORADO: Despite the fact my sister-in-law doubles as “Ralphie” the Buffalo Mascot at most home games, the Mile High team will fall flat early this year. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Please, no emails about “How mean I am to my sister-in-law” about her being the Colorado mascot. We are just thankful she is working….

CONTENDERS

TEXAS TECH: The Red Raiders will be the Team to beat in the Big 12.
Remember you heard it here first. Get Those Guns Up Red Raiders!

TEXAS: Never Count out the Longhorns and Colt McCoy.
If they get by the Red Raiders and survive the Red River Shoot out, they will have a shot at the Big Time.

OKLAHOMA: This year the Mighty Sooners WILL be in the Big 12 Championship game….Believe it.

MISSOURI: The Tigers have Chase Daniel and the right surrounding cast to win the Big 12, but will they make it to the “Big” Championship Game?

CLEMSON: Tommy’s Tigers are Loaded and have a favorable schedule to win the Atlantic Coast Conference Championship, but can they overcome a history of late season stumbles?

VIRGINIA TECH: NEVER count out Coach Beamer and the Mighty Hokies.

OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes should win the Big Eleven..I mean Ten Championship. But they have to get by the Badgers on October 4th to earn it.

WEST VIRGINIA: Will the couches light the Morgantown sky this year?
Talk to me after Auburn comes to town on October 23rd.

LSU: The Bayou Bengals are a legitimate contender for the Southeastern Conference Championship if and thats a BIG if, they get through the brutal Conference schedule.

GEORGIA: If the Dawgs get through their schedule without getting bruised up they should and will be Number One. Period.

AUBURN: These Tigers are poised to ruin everybodies parade in the Southeastern Conference.
They ARE Contenders. Believe it.

FLORIDA: The Mighty Gators are my pick to win the BCS Championship.
Why? You will have to read Part II Tomorrow of the Pre-Season Extravaganza to find out.
Your Favorite College Football Pronosticators Conference Championships and Email Questions and Answers will be included too. So look for Part II Sunday Afternoon.

RTR
MEB