Despite the emotional roller coaster the majority of us experienced during Thanksgiving

And I am not referencing Aunt Edna’s bathroom “issues” either…
That’s a totally separate issue…

No I am talking about our beloved college football rivalries
And we aren’t finished yet….
This week we have the “Civil War”
And……..
The Conference Championship Games

But before we get to these and other games….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 31 and 14 or 69% during the rough and tumble rivalry week
and that leaves me at 564 and 161 for the season holding steady at 78%.

Not too bad considering it was “Rivalry Week”

Enjoy your games!

Thursday December 3rd

Oregon State at Oregon
This game is called the “Civil War” for a reason….
But make no mistake, there is nothing “Civil” about this rivalry…
I won’t belabor the point here, but last year the Quackers upset the Beavers..
This year the beavers return the “Favor”
MIGHTY BEAVERS 33-28

Friday December 4th

Ohio at Central Michigan
I know Coach Frank’s Bobcat’s have been tough as of late….
But there is something they way Coach Lou Holtz says “Chippewa’s that makes me believe
It might be the way he spits on Mark May when he says it, never mind..
I’m a believer
CHIPPEWA’S 34-28

Saturday December 5th

Cincinnati at Pittsburg
Who would have believed this headline back in August?
The BearKats go undefeated….
Believe it….
BEARKATS 31-17

West Virginia at Rutgers
The only way the Scarlett Knights will win this game is if my Italian American friends “get involved”
They told me that wouldn’t…
So, Light those couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-21

Fresno State at Illinois
I know it’s not October, so a Fighting Pumpkin reference seems out of place
Unless you like pumpkin pie, which I do…
So the reference is still good
ZOOK’S FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-17

New Mexico State at Boise State
Remember when I picked the Bronco’s to go undefeated at the beginning of the season?
Yeah, I was right (Please hold your applause until the end of the picks)
BRONCO’S 44-17

Arizona at Southern California
I heard a really good joke the other day, you want to hear it?
What’s the difference between Coach Pete and a whiny sniveling self absorbed jackass?
None….That’s funny as hell isn’t it?
WILDCATS 28-21

California at Washington
This game will be a lot like the Southeastern Conference Championship game.
Minus the fans, the marquee players, the shot at the National Championship and the television viewership, but other than that it’s exactly the same.
HUSKIES 28-24

South Florida at Connecticut
The boys from Tampa Town have been beaten up as of late
and this game will be no exception and that’s no bull
HUSKIES 28-17

Carson Newman at Grand Valley State
Coach Spark’s Eagles beat my Lions in Florence last Saturday.
Avenging their loss to them earlier in the year and advancing in the Division II playoffs
The best ground game in Division II college football rolls this Saturday
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-28

Wisconsin at Hawaii
I wonder if Dog the Bounty Hunter likes Cheese?
Behold the Power of Cheese….
BADGERS 34-21

Atlantic Coast Conference Championship
Clemson and Georgia Tech
Both teams lost their rivalry games with their instate Southeastern Conference opponents
But that doesn’t mean this game is any less important..
This is the second game of the season between these two teams…
The first game was a wild one…
This one won’t be any different
DABO’S TIGERS 33-28

Big 12 Championship
Nebraska and Texas
The Children of the Corn will keep this one close with the Black Shirts working overtime
But the Longhorns are headed to the National Championship game
Believe it…..
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-17

Southeastern Conference Championship
Alabama and Florida
A Clash for the ages….
My Friends there are no “losers” here
CRIMSON TIDE 24-20

There is more to come with Hootie Snitch and next weeks picks…
So Stay tuned…

Have Great weekend…

RTR
MEB

While Coach Pete and the Southern California Trojans are singing MC Hammer songs
and trying to determine if they are “Too Legit to Quit”, the rest of us will roll into the Week 12 Picks.

But before we do I need to mention….
Last week your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…
was a substandard 39 and 15 or a rather lowly 72%. That leaves us at 492 and 136 or 78% for the season.

We have some bitter rivalries to discuss and the opening round of the Division II Playoffs
So let’s get to it shall we?

Coach Pete, “You can’t touch this”

Enjoy your games!

Wednesday November 18th

Central Michigan at Ball State
I don’t know if you’ve noticed this but….
When Lou Holtz says “Chippewa’s” he sounds just like Sylvester the Cat
CHIPPEWA’S 33-21

Buffalo at Miami (OH)
The Redskins have disappointed me all year, tonight will be no exception
And that my friends is “No Bull”
BULLS 34-13

Thursday November 19th

Colorado at Oklahoma State
In Stillwater they have a little saying: “Buffalo”….
The “other” white meat
COWBOY UP! 33-14

Friday November 20th

Akron at Bowling Green
Another I-75 Battle in the Buckeye state….
Falcons Zip the Zip’s……
FALCONS 31-28

Boise State at Utah State
The Bronco’s are on their way to an undefeated season….
Just like I said they would…
No need to thank me Boise Fans…
It’s how I roll….
BRONCOS 38-17

Saturday November 20th

Florida International at Florida
If “International’s” football team was a musical group they would be Menudo.
MIGHTY GATORS 38-14

Kansas at Texas
I hate to be the one to tell you this…
But Dorothy, you aren’t in Kansas anymore…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-17

Chattanooga at Alabama
I was very proud of the Moccasins come from behind win last week
But this week, the Tide is Rolling and Rolling and Rolling…
CRIMSON TIDE 45-10

LSU at Ole Miss
This game is going to be a slobber knocker from start to finish
Believe it
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-23

Arkansas Tech at North Alabama
The “Wonder Boys” from Tech are going to “wonder”…..
what the hell they were thinking playing the mighty Lions of Florence in the first round of the Division II Playoffs.
FLORENCE LIONS 33-24

Citadel at Georgia Southern
The Bulldogs lost a sizeable lead to the Mighty Moccasins last Saturday
and they will get a terminal case of the Statesboro Blues this week…
Sounds like the beginning of a country song….
Just add train sounds…
EAGLES 34-24

North Carolina State at Virginia Tech
It’s too close to Thanksgiving “Not” to pick the Turkey’s
HOKIES 34-17

Oklahoma at Texas Tech
The Mighty Sooners are going to have their hands full this weekend….
And so will the Red Raiders…..
This one is going to be close….
Real close….
BOOMER SOONERS 31-28

West Alabama at Carson Newman
Another first round Division II Playoff Matchup….
The Tigers aren’t ready for the Boy’s from Jefferson City..
SPARKS EAGLES 33-28

Ohio State at Michigan
The title alone says it all….
There are few games that garner more hate and discontent…
These two bitter rivals hate each other 365 days a year….
Between these two states, there is nothing more important…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 31-17

Memphis at Houston
My Cougars have dropped the ball as of late…
(No Pun intended…)
But I still believe…..
COUGARS 34-17

Minnesota at Iowa
This Big Ten Battle is played for the coveted “Floyd of Rosedale”
If you are wondering what that actually is, it’s a Bronze Pig statue, ok?
Which makes absolutely no sense to me..
EYES OF THE HAWK 33-14

Harvard at Yale
A classic matchup that absolutely nobody cares about…
Including me..

Penn State at Michigan State
This Big Ten Battle is called “The Battle of the Land Grants”
And it is played for the “Land Grant Trophy”
No, I didn’t make this up…..
I wish it was called “The Battle of the Foster Grants”
And the winner got some cool sunglasses….
JOE PA’S LIONS 24-20

Oregon at Arizona
The Wildcats are undefeated at home in the desert this year….
But the Quacks are on the attack….
If you don’t think so…
Just ask Coach Pete how his quacker is doing?
QUACK ATTACK 33-31

Duke at Miami (FL)
The Blue Devils are doing better than they did last year…
Which is like saying..
Kenny Chesney doesn’t act as gay as he used too..
HURRICANES 34-14

Kentucky at Georgia
The Dawgs will tree the cats between the hedges and leave them blue.
HUNKER DOWN DAWGS! 38-21

Kansas State at Nebraska
The Wildcats got spanked by MO’s Tigers last Saturday…
The Children of the Corn get medieval on the Cats this weekend…
HUSKY’S OF THE CORN 28-14

California at Stanford
This PAC 10 Rivalry is called “The Big Game”
They play it each year for the “Stanford Ax”
If you think I am going against the Tree, you would be wrong.
CARDINAL 43-38

Mississippi State at Arkansas
The Bulldogs are tough and getting tougher…..
But the Hogs are hitting their stride…..
RAZORBACKS 31-14

Arizona State at UCLA
The hopes of the Devils from the Valley of the Sun….
Will melt in Pasadena like a Hershey Bar on a dash board of a truck in Dallas on July 4th
BRUINS 24-17

Maryland at Florida State
There is some good news and some bad news for Coach Bobby this weekend
The “Good News” is that the Seminoles will win this weekend…
The “Bad News” is Coach Bobby believes the Japanese just bombed Pearl Harbor
and will spend the entire game hiding in a bunker near the stadium.
SEMI-NOLES 38-17

Louisville at South Florida
Here is how this works…
The Cardinals just sneaked by Otto the Orange last Saturday in the Ville…
The Bulls were embarrassed in Jersey
The Boys from Tampa rebound against Coach K. this week..
NO BULL 33-14

Wisconsin at Northwestern
Another Big Ten Battle this week and you know what that means…
Yes! Another rivalry game for a trophy!
This game between these two magnificent schools is played for….
“The Magnificent Marsupial Trophy”
I know it sounds important, but it looks like a stuffed possum.
HEADS OF CHEESE 33-31

Purdue at Indiana
This Big Ten Matchup and instate rivalry is played for…..
“The Old Oaken Bucket”
As opposed to…..
“The Semi-new recyclable plastic environmentally friendly repository of Hope”
BOILERMAKERS 28-24

North Carolina at Boston College
The Boys from Chestnut Hill have a problem this weekend….
The Heels of Tar are rolling into town….
It’s like an Oil Spill, except you get your ass kicked in the process.
TAR HEELS 28-13

Iowa State at Missouri
In the Name of Jesse James I will not doubt MO’s Tigers again…
I said that this week and I intend on keeping my word…
MO’S TIGERS 31-27

Rutgers at Syracuse
Now that I know that Tony Soprano is “working” the games for the Scarlett Knights..
This one is an easy pick…
After all, I certainly don’t want to anger my Italian American friends in Jersey..
I might want to go back to Atlantic City one day..
And return in one piece…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 34-10

Virginia at Clemson
The Boys from Charlottesville play less like “Cavaliers”
And more like midgets on miniature ponies, with little sombreros and chaps
DABO’S TIGERS 33-14

Oregon State at Washington State
Much like Coach Riley……
I am all about the Beavers…..
MIGHTY BEAVERS 43-10

Vanderbilt at Tennessee
There is no truth to the rumor…..
That the latest Volunteer player arrested for shop lifting was in a disguise
therefore it took nearly two weeks for the police to release the report.
In fact he was wearing his football jersey with his name on the back while committing the crime,
the Tennessee Athletic Administration was just trying to keep it a “secret” like they used too.
Glad I could clear that up for everyone…
VOWELS 24-14

Wofford at Furman
This game will be a Battle between two of Chewbacca’s Kids
I just hope nobody gets a hairball….
FURRYMAN 23-17

Kent State at Temple
I’m sorry but every time I hear anything about the “Golden Flashes”
I get a visual image of naked people at the nursing home
HOOT OWLS 24-17

Texas Christian at Wyoming
The Horned Amphibians from Cow Town destroyed the two Ute’s last week…
They will stick the cowboys this Saturday….
Cowboy down
HORNED FROGS 34-14

Tulane at Central Florida
Neither of these teams has a personality…..
Sort of like my sister-in-law
Minus the one foot that looks like a hoof…
the hump on the back, the horns, I mean “calcium deposits”…
but other than that they are almost exactly alike.
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 24-21

Connecticut at Notre Dame
Even a win over the Huskies won’t save Coach Charlie’s job….
But the good news is that Gerry Faust is available..
So, it’s like a “win-win”
FIGHTN’ IRISH 33-23

Air Force at Brigham Young
The Cougars are tough to beat in Provo…
But these Falcons Aim High…
FALCONS 33-28

UAB at East Carolina
What’s the deal with the “Blazers” of Birmingham having a “Dragon” as a mascot?
The only “Dragon” I ever saw in Alabama was when I went on this blind date once..
Never mind, I don’t want to talk about it…
PIRATES 31-28

Texas El Paso at Rice
My favorite pudding gets pounded by the semi-mighty miners…
Believe it…
MINERS 43-10

Baylor at Texas A&M
Let’s be honest here….
Neither of these teams are worthy of a bid to the “Vienna Sausage Bowl”
That says it all…
GIG EM AGGIES 38-34

Army at North Texas
I love Denton Texas, but I don’t have a clue to what a “Mean Green” is…
Unless it’s a kitchen cleanser
Why would you name your team after some thing like that?
What’s next, “The Blistering Bleach”?
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 24-23

San Diego State at Utah
So these two Aztec Ute’s were on their way to a ritual human sacrifice at the temple of the sun God….
Stop me if you’ve heard it…
TWO UTES 43-14

Southern Methodist at Marshall
I do love the folks in Huntington, and the Thundering Herd…
But they are playing against…
THE MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-24

Colorado State at New Mexico
The winner of this game does get a bid to the “Vienna Sausage Bowl”
Yeah, this game is “that” important..
LOBOS 24-23

Tulsa at Southern Miss
After last week, were I actually doubted the Golden Eagles…
Well, I learned my lesson…
I can’t have my home folks mad at me…
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

Hawaii at San Jose State
Wouldn’t you know it….
The “new” season of “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is starting and I am stuck
in Two Buck Tim…
Sometimes, life just isn’t fair…
WARRIORS doing the electric slide over RAINBOWS 24-21

Nevada at New Mexico State
The Pack of Wolves has one of the finest running backs in the nation…
and the Aggies have “Lasso Pete” as a mascot….
Yeah, this one is easy…
WOLFPACK 34-10

Enjoy your weekend and your games

Stay tuned…
There is more to come..

RTR
MEB

You didn’t think I was going to leave you yesterday….
Without recapping the games of the week and answering your emails did you?

I thought we knew one another better than that…..

I would never disappoint by beloved readers
(Or hardly ever…)

But enough about that….
We have a lot of games to discuss…..
So let’s get to it, shall we?

Coach Pete, are you with me?

TEAM NEWS

GRAMBLING: Coach Rob would have been proud, Congratulations.

STANFORD: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

NOTRE DAME: See above, but not said in “a good way”

EDITORS NOTE: If you Irish fans think you will be getting Urban Myer out of Gainesville…
Think again. You couldn’t pry him out of Florida with a bucket of poop and a mop.

TENNESSEE: Never thought I would see the day…..
When a Tennessee Football Player would be dismissed from the team, much less three players.
I am speechless.

COLORADO: Just because my sister-in-law doesn’t run onto the field with the football team (anymore)
Is no reason to go in the tank at the end of the season.

MINNESOTA: Congratulations O’ So very Golden Gophers!
You needed a last minute field goal to beat the University of South Dakota State Technology Academy of Hair and Nail Design.
And you actually wonder why I make fun of you?

GEORGIA TECH: Congratulations Yellow Jackets on going to the ACC Championship.
You damn sure deserve it….

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: In the words of Maxwell Smart…
I missed the “Upset Special”
“By that much…..”

MISSOURI: In the name of Jesse James I will never doubt the Missouri Tigers again.

ALABAMA: Roll Tide Roll……

NCAA: If you are wondering “who” the next President of the NCAA will be….
I have in my possession a copy of the “Want Add” the NCAA posted recently for the lofty position.
“Wanted: Self absorbed holier than thou Dictator and tyrant with an inherent loathing of the southern states and all things southern, to include Texas and Oklahoma.
Must worship Satan and the University of Southern California, and routinely turn your blind and or prosthetic eye from said University and Pete Carroll, as well as Notre Dame, Michigan and all other Big Eleven, I mean “Ten” schools.
Must have experience crushing university traditions and changing their mascots, as well as catering to low life organizations such as the NAACP and those shady groups associated with Jesse “Shake Em Down” Jackson and Al “Tawana Brawley” Sharpton.
Also, must like the “New Kids on the Block” and “Sponge Bob Square Pants”.

MICHIGAN: SOooooooooooo How’s that “new” coach working out for you?

CHATTANOOGA: GREAT comeback win over the Citadel! GO MOCCASINS!

NORTH CAROLINA: Now I know why no Hurricanes ever hit the Carolina coast…
The Tar Hells beat them down, Great win…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I understand Coach Pete and the “mighty” Trojans have a very good reason for their latest loss to Stanford…..
It was reported that the Trojan football team was suffering from a drug problem during the game this past Saturday.
The reason I can say that is because…
It looked like the Trojans got drugged up and down the damn field by Stanford…

EDITORS NOTE: Before you ask….
“No” this never gets old for me…

GEORGIA: If you wonder why I picked the Bulldogs over Auburn, it was simple..
The Dawgs have Rambo on the team, enough said.
Glad you are doing better Rambo, you had us all scared there for a minute.

OREGON STATE: I have said it before and I will say it again….
I am all about the Beavers

EDITORS NOTE: The above comment was in no way intended as a sexual reference.
I just happen to be a Beaver fan, O.K.?

TEXAS A&M: In case you all have forgotten, let me help you out with this one.
How do you spell “defense” in Aggie Land?
“FIRE MIKE SHERMAN”

OHIO STATE: Congratulations on a trip to the Rose Bowl and a share of the conference title.
But if you have to play Stanford, the Buckeyes better be ready…..

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Mister Wizard –
I am sorry I am new to your website and I haven’t been able to keep up with the PAC 10 conference this year, so I have to ask you: After this past Saturday’s debacle…..
How many losses do the Southern California Trojans have so far this year?
Rachel – Omaha, Nebraska

A: Tree

Q: Sir,
I don’t know if you’re familiar with me or my work, but I’m world famous game show creator Chuck Woolery.
After reading of the troubles at many schools in regards to recruiting violations, I came up with a brilliant concept for a new game show.
Think recruiting!
Think Reggie Bush!
Think Pete Carroll!
The concept is this: You have a guy like Pete Carroll pursuing a highly prized, yet vastly overrated, recruit (who is actually the contestant) sort of like Reggie Bush.
The contestant has fabulous prizes, like a house in San Diego, lavished upon him as well as travel to exotic and luxurious locations.
At the end of the show we tally the net worth and send it to the NCAA who, as we all know, will do nothing!!!
What do you think? Is this a great concept or what?
Chuck – Los Angeles, California

A: Love your work Chuck, but it’s already been done….
It’s called “The NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans”
Sorry….

Q: Mike, now that Myles Brand is dead,
why hasn’t the NCAA moved out with their “investigation” on Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?
Thanks!
Jeff – Fort Payne, Alabama

A: The “secret” to the NCAA’s amnesia on the “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the “mighty” Southern California Trojans can be found in Myles Brand’s Will.
Which your favorite college football prognosticator has a copy of, because nothing is too good for my beloved readers.
It reads as such:
“….And should the University of Southern California Trojans, coached by my prodigal son Peter Carroll, lose 3 or more games in the 2009 season AND/OR fall out of the Bowl Championship Series competition for the National Championship, I do hereby direct the Investigative committee of the National Collegiate Athletic Association to complete their inquiries and investigation into the sordid Reggie Bush affair. It has been my goal to keep the “anointed one” in position to keep his team in a lofty position for continued success. If he can’t succeed with this assistance then he shall feel the wrath of the U$C boosters, alumni, and myself from the grave. Afterwards, I do hereby bequeath all perks to Notre Dame. God knows, they need all the help they can get. ”

Q: So, the NCAA attacks Florida State because of its mascot, gives Ole Miss a bunch of crap because of its rebel flag and the last verse of their fight song.
When do they make Oregon and Oregon State change the name of their rivalry game, the “Civil War?”
Oh, wait, they’re not from the South
Jake – Vicksburg, Mississippi

A: Jake, it’s like they say at the nursing home when somebody hits the numbers…
“Bingo!”

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
You never really talk about yourself, so I have to ask…
What are the ingredients for the “perfect” weekend for you?
Barbara – Beaumont, Texas

A: Funny you should ask Barbara….
I had what could be described as a “perfect” weekend this past Saturday
Tennessee and Auburn lost, the Trojans got trampled and Alabama and Texas won.
It really doesn’t much better than that where I am….

Your Week 12 Picks will be out on Thursday…..
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Since that Bama guy that writes this thing is in Tim Buck Two…
I am a gonna due the rewind article this week and answer some of yawls emails.
He sent me some notes and stuff, but I am fixing to get my “wing it on”.

Before we get into that yawl need to know that I have been celebrating…
The Vol’s winning the Tennessee State Championship!
I know what you is a thinking too.
They ain’t played Vanderbilt yet….
Well don’t you worry about that we is gonna beat the doors off them Commodores.
Get it?

But just so’s you know, even though I’ve been celebrating….I ain’t drunk.
I don’t care what that police man said…

COACH’S QUOTE OF THE LAST WEEK

“Oregon played faster than we wanted them too be……”
Coach Pete Carroll of the University of Southern California

HOOTIE’S NOTE: No kidding Sherlock..
That’s about the dumbest damn thing I heard
since my cousin said he was going on eBay to find him a “good hammer”.
Elmer, if you is a reading this, they got a million of em at Home Depot, dumbass.

TEAM NEWS @ OTHER STUFF TOO

TENNESSEE: They way I see it….
The Volunteers ought to be the Number four team in the country…
Them Gators just barely got by us…
Then them cheating Crimson Tides barely got by us…
So, they way I figure it we IS the Number Four Team in the country and ought to be in the National Championship talking.
O Yeah, we is Tennessee State Champs too!

A-RABS: I don’t know why all them folks are worked up over that Mohammad fellow.
I went to Wal-Mart in Knoxville on Friday to get some more stuff for my restaurant “Snitch’s”
that is going to have a “Grand opening” in about a another week.
It’s going to straight up, awesome!
Anyway, I got off the subject…
This guy greeting people when you walked in, his name tag said “Mohammad”.
So’s I walk over to him and ask,“Why are folks blowing themselves up over you. Are you telling them to do it or something?”
Cause if he would have said “yes”, I was going to put a Baneberry country ass whopping on his ass.
But Mohammad said, “NO! I am good person, I am here legally, I am not a terrorist!”
Well it kind of sounded like that, cause he didn’t speak very good American.
So, what ever you crazy ass A-Rabs are doing you need to cut that crap out…
Cause I talked to Mohammad and he didn’t know a damn thing about it.

PHIL FULMER: There ain’t goin to be No Criticism of the Great Coach Phil when I run the article.
He is like a majestic Walrus, except bigger and with a crown and wings.
That’s how I picture him, so you won’t read nothing negative here about Coach Phil.

TEXAS: I thought the Wizard guy was crazy as hell when he picked yawl to play in the National Championship game..
But it looks like it just might happen.

VETERANS DAY: Now I ain’t never been in combat per say, but I have been married twice, which should count for something,…
and I ain’t never been in the military but I was in Webelos, so I had me a uniform.
But I got to thank all the veterans everywhere for kicking ass and taking names and keeping us free.

ALABAMA: It’s still ain’t right yawl got a guy on the defense that is bigger than three of our boys…
and that’s the last time I’m going to say anything about it.

OREGON STATE: Beaver Jim, the football Wizard fellow wanted me to apologize that he missed your game over them California people. But, I would have picked yawl, if it would have been me, cause I love me some Beavers.

NEBRASKA: I don’t know how the hell them Cornhuskers beat them Sooner’s but I am betting they is still celebrating down in Lincoln.

OHIO STATE: I don’t know who woke them Buckeyes up, but they are tougher than my momma’s pan fried steak.

FLORIDA STATE: I don’t want to say Coach Bobby is getting old, but he was coaching at Florida State before it was a State.

MICHIGAN: The Wizard guy wanted me to say something about the Wolverines losing to Purdue at home for the first time since 1966, but I want to say something about that Michigan Coach’s wife.
That gal is uglier than homemade soap. I saw her on the Television last week, and my damn watch stopped.

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: The Horned Frogs are ranked the highest since 1956, hell fire I wasn’t even born then.

OREGON: So last week you beat them Trojans like a rented mule and this week you lost to team with a foam rubber tree mascot. What the hell is a going on up there?
Don’t nobody want to win yawls damn conference title?

NAVY: “Mister Wizard” didn’t pick yawl, which is stupid. I would have picked you to beat Notre Dame and I’ll tell you why.
The Navy has them SEALS and they are a bunch of bad asses, I know I seen the movie.
So of course they gonna beat some Leprechauns ass. That pick would have been easy for ole Hootie.

IOWA: I can’t believe yawl lost to a direction on the map, just another reason why the Vol’s ought to be ranked in front of them.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I got to agree with that Alabama Wizard guy, yawl should be on damn NCAA probation by now.
It’ don’t help that Coach Pete, rhymes with “Cheat”

EMAIL QUESTIONS @ ANSWERS WITH HOOTIE

Q: Dear Sir,
I just wanted to convey to you and your informed readership of a recent development that arose after the annual “Not The World’s Largest Cocktail Party Anymore Due to Political Correctness” game between the Bulldogs from somewhere and the Grand and Glorious University of Florida Gators led by the Esteemed and World Reknowned Tim Tebow. There was a fairly inconspicuous incident that occurred on the field of play in which it was alleged that Brandon Spikes tried to poke an opposing players’ eye. As I said, “alleged.” Well, I must say that had there not been numerous replays by ESPN that no one would have ever noticed anything had happened. But, nooooooooooooo, ESPN gets a clip of a players hand from the Esteemed and Pre-eminent University of Florida entering the face mask of an opposing player and it is automatically assumed that Mr Brandon Spikes is up to no good. I can personally attest that after reviewing said play I feel that he was either trying to help adjust the opposing players contact lens or perhaps was wiping his nose, since, as you know, it is flu season.
After the media circus that was created by this obviously misinterpreted incident I recommended that Mr Spikes be suspended for the first half of the game with Vanderbilt. Soon after this announcement, for some reason, there was another uproar. Well, thank goodness that Mr Spikes saw the situation and suspended himself for the entire game. I hope this satisfies the bloodlust inspired by inferior rival schools due to the jealousy of the University of Florida being anointed as the SEC representative to the National Championship.
By the way, if you saw the illustrious Mr Spikes on the sideline of the Florida-Vandy game, he was clean shaven and no longer looks like a thug.
Thank you Mr Spikes for your assistance.
Mike Slive
President
Southeastern Conference

A: Mister President Slive that is how them damn Gators beat us Volunteers by a bunch of eye grabbing and God knows what else. Can you see fit, since you’re the President and all to give us that game since they was a cheating? Also, them Crimson Tides got a guy named after a Mountain that is bigger than a new Buick. That ain’t right neither.

Q: Dear Sir,
I’ve been watching that Notre Dame team get beat all over the place by Navy. I mean, here’s a team with practically their own TV network, the sports outlets are always going ga-ga over them, and they’re getting beat by a service academy. Not being disrespectful to service academies, but, I mean, what the hell? I just think that they’re seriously overrated.
In fact, I think their name is about right. I don’t know what an “Ire” is, but they’re not good enough to be called a regulare “Ire”.
I think they’re just Ire-ish.
What do you think?
Timmy the Trojan, Los Angeles, California

A: I tell you what ole Hootie thinks….
You damn Trojan fans are always acting like yawl got your monkey chapped over one thing or another.
Bunch of damn cry babies is what I think…
But here’s something for your chapped monkey…

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
I was sittin here watchin Mr Mark May slobberin all over that cheatin Pete Carroll
after U$C Squeaked by Arizona State & I have a question.
Why does mark May wear glasses without any lenses in them?
I was just wondering cause you can see a reflection on the frame but not on any lenses.
Does he wear them like goggles in case Mr Lou Holtz slobber’s on him or is it cause he thinks wearing glasses that’s for decorations makes him look smart?
I really don’t think he’s very smart if you ask me.
I mean, he tried to make a big deal out of U$C squeaking by Notre Dumb even though they aren’t very good. What do you think?
Steve – Platte City, Missouri

A: That’s a damn fine question..
I am a guessing it’s because he wants to “look smart”.
Cause I will tell you, when Mark May starts making sense to you, it’s a sure sign that you’ve had too much to drink.

Q: You no take me serious!
Now Navy Beat Irish and that all we hear about!
I see Navy Goat mascot everywhere and it offend me and honorable family!
It even on Weather Channel!
I want NCAA to change Navy mascot, they change other schools because of offense!
I honorable business man and give you photo of my restaurant!
Send me NCAA address to change navy mascot!
Ding Dung – San Francisco, California

A: I ain’t trying to tell you your business…..
But you couldn’t get somebody down South to eat in a place with name like that at gunpoint.
Kind of made me sick just looking at it..

Q: Who in the hell do you think you are?
You picked the Trojans to lose two games or “more” this year and they do, just like you picked Oklahoma to do the same.
You picked TCU and Boise State to be undefeated and they still are…
You picked Alabama and Florida to meet in Atlanta and they will…
You picked Texas to go to the National Championship game and it looks like they are on their way.
Just who do you think you are?
James – Atlanta, Georgia

A: I don’t know who he is neither…
But I heard that Wizard guy was part Secret agent and part Transformer.

Stay tuned cause I’m goin to have me an update on my “Grand Opening” of Snitch’s.

The Wizard says them picks will be out later in the week too.

Yawl have a good week now, you hear?

Hootie – Out!

Not a bad week last week my friends…..

Hit the Florida State and Clemson Upsets….

(No Need to Thank Me, It’s how I roll….)

For the week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator
was 40 and 9 or 82% and that leaves us at 369 and 97 or 79% for the season.

(Kill the applause Sign)

We have a big weekend before us….

This week we have a variety of Big Eleven, I mean “Ten” games
being played for a multitude of trophies including Pig’s Feet and the occasional Bejeweled Stick of Oblongata.

In Jacksonville Florida we have, with all due disrespect to University of Georgia President Mike Adams,
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.”

And who can forget this weekend is the scariest of them all….

Yes my friends it’s “Halloween….”

And you all know what that means….

Little children come dressed as goblins and ghosts to your door and ask for candy….

Also, it’s time for Fat Phil Fulmer to rise out of the Pumpkin Patch and eat those very children that I mentioned above….

I pray none of your kids go dressed as a donut or a Bear Claw or they are goners for sure

Enjoy your picks!

Thursday October 29th

Valdosta Sate at West Georgia
The Wolves of West Georgia are outmatched in this instate battle…
I have a feeling this is going to get uglier than a Halloween costume contest at the Bowling alley on dollar beer night.
BLAZERS 38-10

North Carolina at Virginia Tech
Little known fact….
The Hokey Pokey is illegal to perform in 19 states and the District of Columbia
They are afraid that it really is what it’s all about…
HOKEY HOKEY HOKEY HI! 31-23

Friday October 30th

West Virginia at South Florida
The Bulls are hard to beat when the sun goes down…
But the Mountaineers brought couches and lighter fluid….
Light Em if you Got Em!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-24

Saturday October 31st

Moravian at Ursinus
Morey better watch his Uranus or he is going to get his ass kicked.

Texas at Oklahoma State
The Cowboys will keep this one too close to call….
Believe it…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 24-23

Ole Miss at Auburn
I cannot in good conscience pull for the “new” politically correct Rebels….
Even if they are playing the Tigers of the Plains
WAR DAMN EAGLES 31-28

West Carolina at Chattanooga
I still think a “catamount” sounds like something nasty is going on….
MOCCASINS 24-17

California at Arizona State
I would watch this game
But “Zamfir” will be playing his “Greatest” Pan Flute hits on PBS
GOLDEN BEARS 6-3

Carson Newman at Wingate
Wingate sounds the college is in a “gated community”
Now that’s just pompous
SPARKS EAGLES 34-17

Miami (FL) at Wake Forest
Hurricane season isn’t over until November 1st….
It’s the Law…
HURRICANES 33-10

Ouachita Baptist at West Alabama
I have been incorrect in my characterization of the “Ouachita” Baptists
They are the ones that don’t believe in wearing shorts, I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding.
FIGHTN’ BAPTISTS 43-10

Kansas State at Oklahoma
Even if their new quarterback has a “football” mustache the Mighty Sooners are still a force of nature….
You know what a football mustache is right?
It has eleven hairs on each lip….
BOOMER SOONER 24-14

James Madison at Delaware
I don’t know anything about Jimmy, but his wife makes awfully tasty little donuts.
Not that it matters here, but that Miss Dolly is a sweetheart…
BLUE HENS 31-28

New Mexico State at Ohio State
Custer stood a better chance at the Little Big Horn than the Aggies do in the Horseshoe.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 45-10

Cincinnati at Syracuse
Otto the Orange gets the juice squeezed out of him on Saturday night…
Believe it..
BEARKATS 43-14

North Alabama at Arkansas Monticello
If you sing the song “Moon River” and substitute “Boll Weevil” for moon river in the song
it makes for a much more entertaining version of a timeless classic.
I just thought you should know…
FLORENCE’S LIONS 31-21

North Carolina State at Florida State
I read this week the Wolfpack quarterback is “maturing” in the offense….
I wonder if that means his voice is changing and he is growing hair in funny places..
SEMINOLES 34-14

Delta State at Arkansas Tech
They call Tech “The Wonder Boys”….
Before this one is over they are going to be wondering why they tangled
With the Fighting Okra!
FIGHTN’ OKRA 28-14

Kansas at Texas Tech
My beloved Red Raiders are not the team they were last year…
But they still know how to GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 33-31

Samford at Citadel
There must be a lot of money in the “junk” business
when Fred Samford can afford his own college. I wonder if Lamont is the President of the school?
BULLDOGS 24-13

Nebraska at Baylor
I am not joking around here Cornhuskers….
If you don’t win this game
I will hold Lil Red hostage until the Shoney’s Big Boy admits Lil Red is his less successful and pudgier younger brother…
It will be painful, but I will do it…
HUSKER POWER 24-17

Weber State at Montana
Don’t get me wrong….
I think it’s wonderful the people that make a great tailgating grill have their own college.
But this is Grizzly Country…
GRIZZZZZZZZZ 38-14

Eastern Michigan at Arkansas
This game will be like “Crouching Tiger hidden Dragon”
Without the crouching tigers or hiding dragons
Other than that it will be exactly the same…
RAZORBACKS 45-0

Missouri at Colorado
I am not sure about Curley and Larry…
But MO knows how to administer a Buffalo Butt Whipping….
MO’S TIGERS 24-21

Rutgers at Connecticut
The Huskies have redemption this weekend for a lost teammate…
Count on it…
HUSKIES 28-23

Mississippi Sate at Kentucky
In a role reversal of nature…
The Blue Cats tree the Bulldogs…..
Count on it…
BIG BLUE CATS 24-20

Arkansas State at Louisville
Finally Coach K gives the fans something to cheer about…
At least for another week
CARDINALS 38-10

Central Michigan at Boston College
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Chippewa’s take down the Boy’s from Chesnutt Hill..
I’m serious..
CHIPPEWA’S 31-28

UCLA at Oregon State
I bet Jerry Mathers is an Oregon State fan too…
How could he not be?
MIGHTY BEAVERS 38-17

Coastal Carolina at Clemson
I don’t know about you…
But I think “Chanticleer” sounds like a cold sore
I shudder to think what their mascot looks like…
DABO’S TIGERS 44-10

Georgia Tech at Vanderbilt
The Rambling Wreck of Georgia Tech are neither rambling nor wrecking…
And that’s not good news for the Commodores
YELLOW JACKETS 43-14

Duke at Virginia
I would watch this game
but the East Timor Chimpanzee Poop Flinging Competition is going to be on ESPN U.
This weeks its all about distance….
BLUE DEVILS 13-7

Purdue at Wisconsin
This Big Ten Battle is played each year for the coveted Amish Ass Hat of Cheese
One safety tip…
Don’t wear it in the sun…
Or out in public…
BADGERS 31-28

Indiana at Iowa
Another Big Ten Battle and you know what that means?
That’s right, another Battle for a coveted trophy and title.
This game is played for the “Prosthetic Pigs Foot of Des Moines”
It kind of reminds me of that one foot of my sister-in-law that looks like a hoof…
EYES of the HAWK 33-17

South Carolina at Tennessee
Don’t count out Coach Steve in this one, especially if Lane is still whining
Somebody needs to give that guy a pacifier..
VOWELS 23-17

Southern Miss at Houston
The Golden Eagles have a Houston size problem this week..
COUGARS 34-21

Southern Methodist at Tulsa
Coach June and the Boys have it together this week….
You better believe it…
MIGHTY MIGHTY MUSTANGS! 31-24

San Jose State at Boise State
Little known fact….
“Livin La Vida Loca” is Spanish for “Jose is going to get his ass kicked……”
BRONCOS 43-10

Georgia at Florida
Jacksonville Florida
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”
Nothing but Gators…
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Michigan at Illinois
I think this “Big Ten” game is played for “Who has the Crappiest Weather” Trophy
Doesn’t matter, they are both ten miles from the Arctic Circle..
WOLVERINES 31-21

Iowa State at Texas A&M
Both of these teams have the exact same personality….
Except different…
CYCLONES 28-24

Temple at Navy
Did you know Bill Cosby went to Temple?
Yeah, that won’t matter on Saturday….
MIDSHIPMEN 38-14

UNLV at Texas Christian
Did I mention that I picked the Horned Amphibians to be undefeated?
I am still on track after this weekend…
HORNED FROGS 33-10

Air Force at Colorado State
This game is played for the “Ram-Falcon Trophy”
It is my understanding it will stay in Colorado Springs until Hell Freezes over…
FALCONS 31-17

Hawaii at Nevada
This reminds me…..
I need to get my “Dog the Bounty Hunter” fix….
I Love those guys…
WOLFPACK 33-14

Penn State at Northwestern
So “six” students in Happy Valley “aren’t” happy
over the “new” T-Shirt promoting the football team…
because they think it promotes Christianity?
Even though the design was voted on by the student body?

I guess we should call Boeing
and tell them to change the shape of their airplanes because the wings are in the shape of a cross.
What a bunch of ass monkeys…
Never mind…
JOE’S MIGHTY LIONS 24-14

New Mexico at San Diego State
You know what doesn’t rhyme with “Lobos”?
An Aztec ass whipping…
LOBOS 27-17

Washington State at Notre Dame
The Cougars have the same chance of winning this game as Rosie O’Donnell does of being a fitness model.
Slim and none..
FIGHTING IRISH 38-10

Tulane at LSU
The Battle for the Rag in Bayou Country…
By the time the Green Wave hear “O’ Say Can you see…….”
They will be behind by two touchdowns…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-10

Southern California at Oregon
I know what you are all thinking so I will say it for you…
“My God, Can’t they Both Lose?”
QUACKS 28-23

Michigan State at Minnesota
This traditional Big Ten Battle is played for the “Giant Twirling Baton of Corn Dog”
It’s always funny until somebody loses an eye…
SPARTANS 24-17

Wyoming at Utah
Two Ute’s and a Cowboy walk into a bar mitzvah with an armadillo in a leather jacket…
Sorry, I didn’t know you had heard that one..
TWO UTES 38-17

Sunday November 1st

Marshall at Central Florida
Three words for you….
“WE ARE MARSHALL”
THUNDERING HERD 24-21

Enjoy your games and have a Great Weekend

Happy Halloween

RTR
MEB

So let’s take a moment to look at some team news and games of the past week.

And certainly I want to answer your long awaited emails….

Much like many of you….
At this point in the season I am just thankful that I am not on any liver donor list yet.

Enjoy your update!

TEAM NEWS

OLE MISS: So you want to change your fight song….
Because “some” Ole Miss student’s think the final verse of the Rebel fight song that says “And the South Shall Rise again…”
is somehow racist and should be changed?

I have a question..
When is this crap going to stop?

Are all you politically correct urchins that afraid of us Southerners?

You should be…
Because we Southerners have just about had all this force feed guilt we are going to take.

So continue with your agenda on “changing” us…

We will let you know when you are done…

CLEMSON: Who was the “Only” Prognosticator to pick the Tigers over the Hurricanes?
No need to thank me, I love you guys…

TENNESSEE: The Volunteers will not lose another game the rest of the season.
Remember you heard it here first…

However….

EDITORS NOTE: Coach Lane I know you are knew to the “real” coaching ranks..
But stop with the crying and whining after a tough game…
Your boys played their hearts out…
You do a disservice to the players by acting like a spoiled teenager after a loss.

Blaming the referees, the wind and Barney the Purple Dinosaur…
“IF” you knew anything about the series itself
You would know….
It’s not uncommon for the dominating team to lose the game..
I remember a game we dominated, until Jay Graham broke lose and we lost 20-13
I also remember an overtime game not so long ago that the Volunteers plucked away at the last moment.

It’s called life dumbass….
Get over it….

NEBRASKA: What the Hell Cornhuskers? What the Hell…

INDIANA: You Hoosiers, lost a two touchdown lead with minutes left in the game?
You know this screwed up my average for the week, right?

TEXAS: The Longhorns didn’t look that strong against a wounded Sooner team,
but they sure put the beat down on MO this week. Their real test is this week…

FLORIDA STATE: Who was the “only” Prognosticator to pick the Seminoles over the Heels? No need to thank me, it’s how I roll….

ALABAMA: I was going to write something clever here, but Mount Cody Blocked it…

OKLAHOMA: The Sooners aren’t the same without Bradford,
but they are still a force to be reckoned with.
If you don’t think so, let’s see a show of hands of “Who” wants to play them in a bowl game?
Boise State put your hands down…

PAC 10: I am beginning to believe I couldn’t pick one of your games correctly if you were playing the cast of “Sesame Street”, which by the way is a part of the “always” tough Southern California Trojans “road” schedule.

WASHINGTON: Bad Dogs……

CHATTANOOGA: Come on Moccasins, the playoffs aren’t out of reach….
It’s time to man up….

FLORIDA: I don’t know if the opposition has placed Kryptonite in the end zone to keep Superman out,
but the Gators better figure out the mystery before it’s too late.

OHIO STATE: This is a message for the few disgruntled Buckeye Fans…

Are you serious?
You want to run Coach Tressel out of town?

Have you forgotten John Cooper?

Have you forgotten the National Championship?

Have you forgotten the Buckeye Heisman Trophy winner?

Have you forgotten the dominance of the hated Maze and Blue?

You people (That’s right I said “you” people)
You should be ashamed of yourselves…

IOWA: I can’t believe it myself….
But the Eyes of the Hawk are for real
Believe it…

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: The Horned Amphibians will be undefeated this year…
Just as I predicted…

BOSIE STATE: See Texas Christian “above”
No need to thank me, your adulation embarrasses me…

NORTH ALABAMA: I am thinking “another” National Championship for the Lions…
But if the young cubs don’t rediscover their offense they will never make it…

WEST VIRGINIA: To the Mountaineer Coaches, Players and Fans…
That was a class act honoring the fallen Connecticut Football Player on Saturday
First Class…..

SOUTHERN METHODIST: My Proud Ponies are down but they are far from out….

NCAA: So where are you on the “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?
Are you all just too busy counting textbooks and checking on who’s fishing or what?

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Welcome to Candy Land!
I enjoy opening my emails with that catchy little diddy…
As you know I have become the Number One Kenny Rogers imitator in the tri-state area!
No thanks in small part to your Encouragement!
Anyway, the University of Cincinnati hasn’t answered my “offer” to sing the National Anthem at their next game.
I think it would give them “extra” luck if I were to sing and maybe throw in some
”Islands in the Stream” for good measure too!
So anyway, do you think you could contact the University of Cincinnati and see if you could get them to let me sing at the next game?
It will be glorious!
Jack McCracken – Cincinnati, Ohio

A: First, I want to go on record as “not encouraging you”,
Second I have to ask; you don’t know where I live do you?
But it case you were wondering, it’s a little hard to find town outside of Nome, Alaska.

Q: O’ Man! You did it!
I just read the article in Fox Sports that the refs for UF/Ark game were suspended.
They were the very same crew that worked (and screwed up) the LSU/UGA game.
Dude, you’ve got clout.
Thanks!
Hank – North Charleston, South Carolina

A: Be Thankful my Super Powers are always used for good…
Well, most of the time anyway…

Q: What wrong wit you? You no write back wit address on mascot we need change!
Military academy mascot no good, make us immigrants feel bad.
Navy goat look like honorable grandmother and Ho Chi Minn.
Army mule look like honorable grandfather, kick like him too.
Air Force falcon remind us of Hanoi bomb! Number ten very bad!
Ding Dung – San Francisco, California

A: I’m really sorry….
But every time I read “Ding Dung”
I think…
“Whose there?”

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
You picked the Delaware Blue Hens early in the season
and then you just stopped listing them. Is there a reason you stopped having them in your weekly picks?
Thanks!
Ben – Dover, Delaware

A: I will answer your email after I stop laughing hysterically….
“Ben Dover”….yes, I am that easily amused.

Q: Dear Mr Wizard
I been thinkin bout playin that Ga-Fla game game in Jacksonville again.
Well, I finally found a good excuse not to EVER play it down there.
If you sit and stare at that picture of a Flarda license plate what does it look like?
If you said it looks like some mans not so excited private parts, well, you’d be right.
So, we don’t want are children being exposed to any state sponsored pornography so we should never, EVER go to Flarda again!!!

http://www.dmvflorida.org/florida-license-plate.shtml

Do you think maybe we could use that excuse and get the game moved to Valdosta permanantly?
GO DAWGS!! WOOF WOOF!!
Lemuel in Ludowici

A: If nothing else Lemuel, you sir are persistent.

Q: Mike, what’s the deal?
Why do you hate Phil Fulmer so much?
Jimmie – Beaumont, Texas

A: Beyond his attack on the CBS College Football Game Day Studio Hosts..
Which by the way, is still under investigation

Fat Phil Fulmer is rumored to have killed David “Grasshopper” Carradine

I am still not over it…

Have a great week…
Your College Football Week 9 Picks will be out later..

RTR
MEB

I come to you this week from the confines of the Death Star…
As one of only a dozen Americans left here I wanted to share
Some observations you may be interested in…

The Storm Trooper outfits are surprisingly comfortable
Darth Vader isn’t as tall as I thought he would be….
Yoda from behind looks like a taxi cab with the doors open.
A small green taxi cab, but a taxi cab nonetheless.

But it’s like the “green guy” told me this past week…
“Write the picks you must, disappoint the fans you cannot”

My intergalactic transfer may explain my drop in numbers this past week….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather lousy 40 and 13 or 75%
and overall I stand at 329 and 88 or a subpar 79%.

But this is no time to look back because it is the Third Saturday in October.

And simply put, that means War.

Enjoy your picks!

Thursday October 22nd

Southern Arkansas at Delta State
They say people fall into two categories
Some people are “Dog” people, others are “Cat” people
Me? I’m an Okra man
FIGHTN” OKRA 24-14

North Alabama at Valdosta State
I know a lot of folks in south Georgia love their Blazers from Title Town..
But this is the year of the Lion..
MIGHTY LIONS 34-21

Florida State at North Carolina
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Coach Bobby gets back on track this week..
That is if he is awake from his nap in time…
SEMI-NOLES 28-17

Friday October 23rd

Rutgers at Army
The Black Knights of the Hudson have befuddled me all year
I pick them to Win and they can’t kick a 20 yard field goal…

EDITORS NOTE: This may explain their inability to hit a stationary target with artillery.
But that is another story for another time…

I pick them to Lose and they beat Vanderbilt…
What gives?
If you guys could confuse the enemy as well as you confuse me we would have wrapped the war up five years ago…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 34-17

Lane at Stillman
You don’t really care about this game do you?
I didn’t think so…

Saturday October 24th

Florida at Mississippi State
The Bully Dogs will keep it close…
But I am convinced Superman really does wear number 15.
MIGHTY GATORS 28-14

Texas at Missouri
MO may know football….
But he doesn’t know jack squat about stampedes…
Light the Tower…
LONGHORNS 31-17

Tennessee at Alabama
This game is Democrats and Republicans
Cowboys and Indians
Oil and Water
Jews and Arabs
Except it’s worse…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-17

Juniata at Moravian
I have no idea what this Mexican kid is thinking..
Ever since she had a “bad experience” at the Beauty Shop
Juanita has been in a bad mood and spoiling for a fight…
JUANITA 24-10

Penn State at Michigan
I have on good authority if Coach Rod’s wife attempt’s to “Ugly” the Lion’s into submission
(Which she is more than capable of by the way)
Joe Pa will melt her like the wicked witch of the west with the powerful magnification of his reading glasses.
Go ahead, Dare him too.
JOE PA’S LIONS 33-28

Brevard College at Carson Newman
I knew a rich kid when I was in school named Brevard..
He was a booger eater…
Sorry for the visual
SPARKS EAGLES 38-10

Arkansas at Ole Miss
For the folks from Oxford
All that National Championship and Heisman Trophy talk seems kind of silly now, doesn’t it?
RAZORBACKS 34-17

Chattanooga at Elon
I was told Moccasin Bend is the Mental Heath Hospital on the Tennessee River.
Does that make the Moccasins crazy?
Yes, Crazy Good!
MOCCASINS 28-24

Washington State at California
You want to know what I find interesting about this game?
Nothing…
BEARS 3-2

Oklahoma at Kansas
Coach Stoops should have started Bradford later than sooner.
But I still have faith in the Mighty Sooners…
BOOMER SOONERS 31-17

Georgia Tech at Virginia
This game is going to be uglier than when we trim my sister-in-law’s foot that looks like a hoof.
And that is really saying something…
YELLOW JACKETS 43-10

Georgia Southern at Appalachian State
This game will be a battle from start to finish….
Believe it…
MOUNTAINEER’S 33-28

Oklahoma State at Baylor
The Baylor School of Medicine is one of the finest in the country.
I suspect they will need it when this is over…
COWBOY UP! 38-10

Louisville at Cincinnati
The Game is played annually for the Bucket of Nails..
That’s ironic…
Because this game will be the final nail in Coach K’s career at the Ville.
BEARKATS 34-17

Virginia Military Institute at Presbyterian
The weather is turning colder in the South…
So I have to go with..
BLUE HO’S 23-17

Iowa State at Nebraska
I know what you are thinking…
Last week I picked the Huskers to win and they lost…
I picked the Cyclones to lose and they won…
I won’t miss this week..
Believe it
HUSKERS 24-17

Clemson at Miami
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Call me crazy if you want too…
It’s nothing I haven’t heard from “so called” mental health professionals
DABO’S TIGERS 24-21

EDITORS NOTE: Is it my fault all those ink pictures look like midgets riding possums with wings?
I think I made my point..

Ursinus at McDaniel College
This may not come as a surprise to many of you..
I was the kid in school that always got in trouble for laughing
When the teacher talked about the planet “Uranus…”
I don’t care who you are that’s just a funny word…
Forget I mentioned it…
URANUS 23-17

Louisiana Monroe at Kentucky
Unless I missed something here…
I think Monroe has a Kentucky ass whipping coming to him…
BIG BLUE CATS 38-14

Maryland at Duke
Last Night it was erroneously reported the Blue Devils had a “Big” Pep Rally in honor of this game.
I would like to clear up that misunderstanding for you readers.
Unfortunately the Pep Rally was for the “Math-a-maniacs” team, not the football team.
Sorry…
NINJA TURTLES 28-23

Wartburg at Dubuque
To be honest here
Warts make me want to Dubuque

Akron at Syracuse
Just for the record….
I still think Otto the Orange may be Fat Phil Fulmer…
Except slimmer…O’ ORANGE 31-24

South Florida at Pittsburgh
I wish this were an upset special….
But it won’t be….
And that’s No Bull..
PANTHERS 33-21

Oregon at Washington
Call it Prognosticators Intuition….
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HUSKIES 23-21

Connecticut at West Virginia
You want to know what “victory” smells like in Morgantown.
Burning Couches…
Light em if you got em!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-17

Colorado at Kansas State
They should title this game “The Sybil Bowl”
Between these two teams there have to be at least a half-dozen personalities
WILDCATS 24-20

Illinois at Purdue
You know what Big Ten games mean right?
That’s right, another Big Rivalry for a Trophy!
This game is played for the “Purdue Cannon”
But more important…
The winner of this game…
Has the inside track on the Vienna Sausage Bowl in Dahlonega Georgia.
BOILERMAKERS 27-23

Vanderbilt at South Carolina
The Commodores are down and Steve’s Boys are destined to rebound….
GAMECOCKS 34-14

Texas A&M at Texas Tech
My Dear, Loyal Aggie faithful….
Do you want R.C. Slocum’s cell number?
Just wondering..
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 38-14

Minnesota at Ohio State
The Gophers may be O’ So Golden….
But the Buckeyes have a mean on this week….
BUCKEYES 34-10

Indiana at Northwestern
Another Big Ten Rivalry Game!
This Game is played for the “Prosthetic Eye of Newt”
I have no idea what Newt is going to do all year without his glass eye
HOMERS 24-20

UAB at Marshall
Three words for you….
“WE ARE MARSHALL”
THUNDERING HERD 34-14

EDITORS NOTE: Please no more email question about Matthew McConaughey,
I cannot in good conscience give out my buddy’s personal information.

Northern Illinois at Miami (OH)
I am not trying to give anyway any secrets here…
But the winner of this game is a leading candidate for the prestigious
Toe Nail Fungus Bowl in Minot North Dakota.

Boston College at Notre Dame
This old rivalry has more trophies and titles than Carter has Liver Pills.
You don’t think so?
The Game is called “the Holy War”
It’s played for the “Frank Leahy Memorial Bowl” and “The Ireland Trophy”
They could simply this whole process if they just played this game for the coveted..
“Bejeweled Stick of Gout”
FIGHTN’ IRISH 38-17

Wake Forest at Navy
Congratulations to the Midshipmen
for last weeks win over my SMU Mustangs and receiving the “Gansz Trophy”
The pain still lingers for me….
MIDSHIPMEN 34-14

Air Force at Utah
Everybody knows I love those Falcons….
But my cousin Vinny Likes the Two Ute’s
TWO UTES 31-24

UCLA at Arizona
I was going to watch this game but I heard Wynonna Judd is going to wrestle a Black Bear on Pay-per-View.
I am sorry, that’s can’t miss entertainment.
Plus I hear they are going to wear sombreros
BRUINS 5-3

Iowa at Michigan State
YES! Another game for a “Trophy” in the Big Ten!
This one is played for the “Triangular Clump of Manure”
It’s prestigious..
EYES of the HAWK 24-20

Tulane at Southern Miss
Doesn’t the term “Green Wave” sound like somebody let their swimming pool go…
Maybe it’s just me…
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-17

Texas Christian at Brigham Young
This game promises to be a slug fest…
But the altitude and the Cougars can’t stop the horned amphibians.
HORNED FROGS 24-21

Southern Methodist at Houston
My Proud Ponies will keep this one close…
Real Close….
COUGARS 33-28

Oregon State at Southern California
Beaver Jim, your wish is my command sir…
I hope your plan works…
TROJAN$ 44-10

Auburn at LSU
Tigers and Tigers…..
But I am partial to Mike the Tiger….
Maybe it’s the name?
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-14

Arizona State at Stanford
The only good thing about this game..
Is the opportunity to show you evidence of the dumbest damn mascot in College Football

CARDINAL 6-3

EDITORS NOTE: For those of you wanting to object to my observation and believe Evergreen State has the dumbest mascot, they hold the distinction of the “grossest” mascot. Glad I could clear that up..
Thanks Beaver Jim for the disturbing photo..

Sunday October 25th

Boise State at Hawaii
This game reminds me that I am missing “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
Damn It…
BRONCOS 38-14

Methodist at Averett
I can’t believe the Methodist are playing football on Sunday…
I bet Averett is a Methodist too.
This is sacrilegious, Sunday is for Professional Football
It’s in the Bible, Book of Landry, Look it up…

I understand Hootie will have an update next week on the status of his new restaurant
purchased with his “stimulus package”.
So stay tuned..

Have a Great Weekend

RTR
MEB

Unlike the MSN Fox Sports Southern California Trojan loving “writer” Lisa Horne
This article and subsequent College Football Picks will be in English, not Ebonics, Pig Latin
or any other damn guttural slang.

Her latest article was entitled….
“Who’s Gett’n Diss’d by the Polls”
I am assuming this means…
“Which college football teams are not getting any respect from the pollsters?”

Simply put…
If you look up “Dumbass” in Webster’s Dictionary
It says…
“See Lisa Horne”

EDITORS NOTE: Lisa Horne makes Hootie Snitch look like Bill Shakespeare.

Now on to this weeks Picks…

This weekend we have Homecoming at the Capstone..
The Red River Shoot Out…
And the Battle for the Jeweled Shillelagh..
Which I am assuming is better than the battle for the infected shillelagh.
That’s just a guess.

Last week we got back on track at 49 and 10 or a vastly improved 83%
Overall we moved up at 289 and 75 or a slight improvement to 79%.

We have a lot of games to cover this week, so let’s get to it.
But as a side note…
I sure wish I was in Big D at the Texas State Fair this Weekend…
It’s going to be something to see

Enjoy your games!

Wednesday October 14th

Boise State at Tulsa
Not that I have an “inside track” on this game..
I just feel real comfortable with this pick..
Trust me…
BRONCOS 28-21

Thursday October 15th

Cincinnati at South Florida
This game is going to be a dog fight from start to finish
But the Boys from Chili Town are too tough for the Bulls
BEARKATS 34-21

Delta State at North Alabama
Nobody doubts my love of Okra, fighting or fried.
But the Mighty Lions of Alabama are just that…
LIONS ROAR 33-14

Saturday October17th

Arkansas at Florida
I won’t doubt the power of the Gators or the courage of Superman again
MIGHTY GATORS 28-14

Valdosta State at Harding
What was Harding thinking scheduling this game?
Harding better stay out that cider, I believe it’s turned hard.
BLAZERS 38-10

South Carolina at Alabama
Homecoming at the Capstone
What I wouldn’t give to be in T-Town on Saturday…
I can almost smell that Dream Land BBQ from here…
CRIMSON TIDE 28-17

California at UCLA
Let’s face it…
I have been lousy as hell picking PAC 10 games lately.
So I was forced to do something drastic to change my luck
I listened to an entire Boy George CD….backwards.
GOLDEN BEARS 24-20

EDITORS NOTE: The pain I go through to satisfy some fans…

Ohio State at Purdue
The Boilermakers have the same chance of winning this game..
as Rosie O’Donnell does of being in Playboy magazine. Bovine Monthly maybe…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 28-13

Virginia Tech at Georgia Tech
The Rambling Wreck will soon learn the Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about.
FIGHTN’ TURKEYS 24-20

Arkansas – Monticello at West Alabama
I finally figured out why the Boll Weevil mascot looks so familiar…
My sister-in-law “having a bad hair day…”
BOLL WEEVILS 23-17

Missouri at Oklahoma State
I have a question for the folks in Stillwater…
Where has the “Prairie Wind” touched you?
I’m just wondering..
COWBOY UP! 31-21

Texas Tech at Nebraska
Last year the Huskers “almost” won the game against the Red Raiders
There won’t be an “almost” this Saturday…
CORNHUSKERS 34-17

Kansas at Colorado
Please stop asking….
For the last time my sister-in-law is not be the “stunt” buffalo for Colorado.
She is busy filming the latest “Messing with Sasquatch” commercials.
Before you ask..
Yes, she got the “lead” part…
JAY of the HAWK 31-14

Georgia at Vanderbilt
The Big Dawgs break the chain this weekend…
Believe it
BAD DAWGS 33-13

Carson Newman at Lenoir Rhyne
I wonder if Lenoir is related to Leann Rhynes?
That gal is a home wrecker…
Not that it matters much here
SPARKS EAGLES 38-20

Delaware State at Michigan
There is no truth to the rumor..
that Coach Rod’s comment concerning the “ugly” game with Iowa
was a reference to having to set next to his wife on the plane trip back to Ann Arbor.
Glad I could clear that up…
WOLVERINES 54-0

Kentucky at Auburn
The Cats have one of the toughest schedules in the nation
It doesn’t get any better this weekend with the starting Cat quarterback out
Believe it
WAR DAMN EAGLES 38-14

Ouachita Baptist at Southern Arkansas
I am still not really sure what an Ouachita Baptist is…
But I do know these fundamental truths about religion..
Jewish people don’t recognize Jesus as the messiah
Protestants don’t recognize the Pope as a deity
And we Baptists don’t recognize each other in Hooter’s or at the Liquor store.
FIGHTN’ BAPTISTS 43-17

Baylor at Iowa State
The cyclones can’t generate enough wind to make a decent popcorn fart.
BEARS 31-21

North Carolina State at Boston College
The Wolfpack lost to Duke last Saturday…
That’s the equivalent of a grown man being beaten up by a four year old
Enough said….
CHESTNUTT HILL EAGLES 28-14

MIT at West New England
I had no idea MIT had a football team…
I know when my wife’s cousin-in-law attended the Mississippi Institute of Technology
They had a tire treading competition and a dairy judging team.
Who knew they had a football team?
MISS TECH 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Admit it…
When you read “Cousin-in-law”, you thought, “Next on Springer”

Virginia at Maryland
I don’t know what they have been feeding the ninja turtles lately
But they need to keep doing it…
NINJA TURTLES 24-14

Colgate at Georgetown
Honestly..
This game was just a placeholder to remind me I need to pick some toothpaste

Wake Forest at Clemson
I don’t know why….
But every time I hear “Demon Deacons”
I think of Jimmy Swaggart all liquored up jumping up and down on a motel room bed
Sorry for the visual..
DABO’S TIGERS 31-17

Texas A&M at Kansas State
I hope PETA doesn’t hear about this game…
Because the wildcats are going to get gigged this Saturday
GIG EM AGGIES 23-14

Sam Houston State at Southeastern Louisiana
Sam Houston is a Hero of the Texas Revolution…
That’s good enough for me…
SAM’S CLUB 43-10

Central Michigan at Western Michigan
I don’t know about you but until recently
I thought “Chippewa’s” referred to a fancy name for chipped beef on toast
CHIPPEWA’S 33-17

Oklahoma at Texas
Dallas Texas….
The Texas State Fair…
Big Tex…
The Midway….
The Cotton Bowl..
This is a grudge match of biblical proportions
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 31-27

Louisville at Connecticut
Cardinal fans, did I mention Tommy Tuberville would like to coach again?
You know he’s available right?
Now would be a good time to call him..
HUSKIES 28-17

Northwestern at Michigan State
Sparky has got more spark than a dyslexic electrician
Not really sure what that means, but it sounded good the first time I said it.
SPARTANS 33-27

Iowa at Wisconsin
This Big Ten matchup is played for another coveted trophy..
Aren’t they all?
“The Heartland Trophy”
This trophy kind of looks like a foot with four toes; which is weird.
HAWKEYES 24-14

UAB at Ole Miss
There is good news here for the Blazers..
They don’t have to drive very far to get their ass kicked
NUTTY REBELS 44-10

Miami (OH) at Ohio
This Battle in the Buckeye State is played for the highly coveted..
“Monkey Clump Trophy”
I think it’s sponsored by Purina
BOBCATS 24-21

Wyoming at Air Force
Last week I predicted the Cowboy upset…
This week they will just be upset….
FALCONS 33-14

Southern California at Notre Dame
This game is played each year for the Jeweled Shillelagh
But for me this game…
Is like trying to decide who to pull for in a war between Iran and Syria.
FIGHTING IRISH 33-28

Minnesota at Penn State
It’s like Joe Pa always says…
“O’ So Golden Gophers….The other white meat”
JOE’S LIONS 28-17

Houston at Tulane
The Green Wave haven’t seen a storm like this since Katrina
COUGARS 44-14

Rice at East Carolina
Rice has one of the finest aeronautical engineering programs in the country
Yeah, that won’t help them much this weekend
PIRATES 31-17

Chattanooga at Georgia Southern
The Eagles are beat up and the boys from Moccasin Bend are for real
This one may be over before it starts…
MOCCASINS 28-24

Marshall at West Virginia
Nothing is bigger this weekend in West “By God” Virginia
The Friends of Coal Bowl for the Governor’s Cup
This is serious business
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

Colorado State at Texas Christian
I know the question that is on your minds…
Can the Rams beat the horned amphibians this weekend?
Does the Pope poop in the woods?
HORNED FROGS 27-14

Mississippi State at MTSU
The Smurf Raiders of Murfreesboro will be left Blue when this one is over.
BULLY DOGS 31-17

Hawaii at Idaho
I wish “Dog the Bounty Hunter” had his own cable channel
But sometimes I just wish for too much…
VANDALS 28-14

Brigham Young at San Diego State
This game will be close until the opening kickoff….
I’m serious it really will be…
COUGARS 38-14

Stanford at Arizona
The Cardinal is for real, but their mascot “tree” is dumb as hell.
What do you expect from California; go figure
CARDINAL 24-10

New Mexico State at Louisiana Tech
The Dogs have been screwing up my average each week like it’s their job
They better Bark up this weekend..
I mean it..
BULLDOGS 24-20

Illinois at Indiana
Another Big Ten game, another game for a “coveted” rivalry trophy
This game is played each year for the “Velvet Scooter”
I think it was originally donated by the Liberace Foundation
ILLI-NOISE 24-21

Memphis at Southern Miss
The Boys from Hattiesburg rebound this weekend against Elvis’s Tigers.
Thank you, thank you very much.
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-17

Citadel at Western Carolina
I don’t know what a Catamount is, but it sounds nasty.
BULLDOGS 28-24

Miami (FL) at Central Florida
Another Battle in the Land of Disney for supremacy of the Sunshine State
Well, more like whose Second Best actually…
HURRICANES 38-10

Navy at Southern Methodist
I wish this were an “upset special”
But it isn’t…
MIDSHIPMEN 33-24

Washington at Arizona State
The Devils from the Sun play more like the residents of Sun City
HUSKIES 24-14

Utah at UNLV
So these two Ute’s were in Vegas to see David Copperfield…
Stop me if you’ve heard this one…
UTES 38-10

Enjoy your games and have a great weekend…

More College Football news to follow…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Much like the Oklahoma, Houston and Seminole fans last weekend…
Your favorite college football prognosticator will hence forth refer to last weekends games as..
The “Weekend that will no longer be mentioned”.

I am sure the above fans will gladly agree with me on that point, but before I unveil my embarrassing statistics from the “Weekend that will no longer be mentioned”, I want to offer my three favorite excuses for my lackluster performance.
1. The Sun was in my eyes while I was making the picks…
2. There is no doubt I had a rock in my shoe when I was making the picks last week..
3. Frankly, I don’t make very good decisions while I am on artificial turf….

And as a side note….
It doesn’t help that I am making the picks while wearing a leaf bag around my waist
Don’t ask…
You really don’t want to know…
Damn Kangaroo Flu…

Last week: 36 and 19 (Ouch!!!!!!) at 65%

Overall: 240 and 65 at 79% ( No comment….)

Enjoy the Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday October 8th

Nebraska at Missouri
MO knows offense, but the Huskers have the Black Shirts
This will be a good one to watch from start to finish
And the Victory Bell goes too…..
CORNHUSKERS 28-24

Colgate at Princeton
I don’t care and neither should you
But it is nice to know they named a college after my favorite toothpaste

Arkansas Monticello at West Georgia
This is clearly my “Game of the Night”
The Wolves of West Georgia and the Mighty Boll Weevils of Arkansas
That’s right I said “Boll Weevils”…
Tell me this mascot doesn’t scare you…

Enough said….
BOLL WEEVILS 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Also…
The Arkansas Boll Weevil mascot is called “Weezie”
Which is no relation to a character on the once popular television series “The Jefferson’s”
Just thought you should know…

North Greenville at North Alabama
The Mighty Lions of Florence Roar once again…
LIONS 34-17

Friday October 9th

Louisiana Tech at Nevada
I have counted the Bulldogs out of too many games this year and gotten bit every time.
Not this week…
BULLDOGS 31-17

Saturday October 10th

Colorado at Texas
Someone actually wrote me about this game last year and asked me…
“How were they supposed to distinguish..
between the respective schools mascots of a Buffalo and a Longhorn..
which one was actually my sister-in-law?”
That is so ridiculous, I can’t even believe it!
She was the one wearing flip-flops.
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-14

Alabama at Ole Miss
This is going to be a tussle in the Grove from start to finish…
Believe it…
CRIMSON TIDE 28-23

Eastern Illinois at Penn State
There is only room for one Big Cat in this game..
And it ain’t the Panthers…
JOE PA’s LIONS 38-10

Wisconsin at Ohio State
Behold the Power of Cheese Whiz….
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 24-17

Delta State at West Alabama
The Tigers of West Alabama can’t handle the Fighting Okra….
Why you may ask?
Because they are “Fighting Okra”, that’s why….
FIGHTING OKRA 31-20

Baylor at Oklahoma
I wouldn’t take the Bears for granted in this game…
Or it will be Sooner, Later…
BOOMER SOONERS 24-17

The Citadel at Elon
I wish I had better news for the Bulldogs of the Military College of South Carolina
But I don’t…
THE CUBAN KID 31-21

Catawba at Carson Newman
Why someone thought it was a “good idea”…
to name their college after a bunion is beyond me, what’s next “Hemorrhoid Tech”?
Never mind, I believe that’s in California
SPARKS EAGLES 33-28

Boston College at Virginia Tech
I got some bad news for the fan’s from Chesnutt Hill..
The Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about…
HOKIES 33-17

Georgia Tech at Florida State
I never thought I would see the day that Coach Bobby would be on the hot seat…
But after this week, he will have both cheeks firmly planted on it.
YELLOW JACKETS 28-17

Florida A&M at Miami
Leroy Vann is faster than the Rattler’s namesake….
But that won’t save him from the eye of the Hurricane
HURRICANES 34-10

Houston at Mississippi State
Bulldog Jim, I wish I had better news my friend….
I am afraid the Cats have a mean on…
COUGARS 31-23

Chattanooga at Samford
I used to know a Sam Ford once…
He was a horse’s ass….
MIGHTY MOCCASINS 28-24

Iowa State at Kansas
Both of these teams are heading in the same direction…
No where…
HAWKS of JAY 23-17

Susquehanna at Rochester
Susie and Rocky?
Sounds like the basis for Rocky VIX
Never mind….
SUSIE 21-17

Georgia at Tennessee
Both teams are beaten up and badly in need of a win…
This is going to be one heck of a game….
HUNKER DOWN DAWGS 28-23

EDITORS NOTE: I know it pains me to say this…
But it’s getting more difficult each week to criticize Coach Lane Kiffin
When Coach Phil was at Beacon Hill..
“Discipline” and the football team went together like Chinese food and peanut butter.
Coach Lane won’t tolerate any foolishness from the players..
and will dismiss them from the team in a New York minute.
Believe that?
Under Coach Phil’s watch Tennessee players used to stroll to games like they bought their clothes from “Thugs or Us”, once a volunteer player even wore a loin cloth to the game, true story.
And now the players have to wear coats and ties to games and leave their Mr. T starter kits at home.
I have even noticed a change in some Volunteer fans…
What is going on?
Doesn’t Coach Lane realize this hurts my column?

Georgia Southern at North Carolina
The Eagle has been grounded…..
HEELS of TAR 38-10

Auburn at Arkansas
This game has all the potential to be a Barn Burner..
No Pun intended..
RAZORBACKS 33-24

Harding at Ouachita Baptist
I am not sure what an “Ouachita” Baptist does…
Unless they are the folks that handle rattlesnakes during a service
Harding better watch himself, those things will bite you…
SNAKE HANDLING BAPTIST 38-10

Oregon at UCLA
I would rather play nude twister with Rosie O’Donnell than watch this game…
QUACKS 6-5

EDITORS NOTE: Like I wasn’t sick enough with the Kangaroo Flu….
I had to make myself throw up over that comment…

Southern Miss at Louisville
Coach K and the Cardinals are down and they ain’t getting up…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-17

EDITORS NOTE: Cardinal Fans take note….
Coach Tommy Tuberville is lounging in Alabama right now looking for a job..
I know he has the personality of a Jackass eating briars….
But the boy can spell “Defense”….
Just a thought…

Duke at North Carolina State
The winner of this semi-bitter instate rivalry receives coupons to Burger King.
I am not sure if that includes a complimentary decorative paper crown
More on this story as it develops.
WOLFPACK 31-28

Maryland at Wake Forest
This game features amphibians and televangelists…
I honestly have no idea which team is going to show up for this one..
The truth is…
They don’t either…
NINJA TURTLES 23-17

West Virginia at Syracuse
I was asked to say something “positive” and “uplifting” about the Orange this week.
O.K., here goes…
You all don’t suck as bad as you did last year..
How’s that?
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-17

Stanford at Oregon State
I would rather watch my wife’s uncle Todd’s colonoscopy video (again..)
In it’s entirety…
Than watch another PAC 10 game…
CARDINAL 6-3

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering…
The video is kind of like the 1950’s version of “Journey to the Center of the Earth”

Connecticut at Pittsburgh
Interesting fact….
When Coach Lou Holtz has said the above schools names in quick succession…
He has actually blinded Mark May in spit…
PANTHERS 28-24

Southern Nazarene at Southwest Baptist
In case you were wondering there will be a Baptism
Following today’s game…
FIGHTN’ BAPTISTS 23-17

Muhlenberg at Juniata
If I was the M’ Guy here, I would watch myself…
I hear Juanita’s septic tank backed up last week and she is madder than hell
JUANITA 31-14

Indiana at Virginia
This game may answer the eternal philosophical question..
“Would they still have a college football game if no spectators came?”
CAVALIERS 17-13

Arizona at Washington
The “W” on the Huskies helmets better stand for “Win” this weekend..
or I am off the dog’s bandwagon. Yes, I mean it this time.
HUSKIES 24-10

Arizona State at Washington State
These two teams together couldn’t beat a hot dog….
DEVILS of the SUN 17-14

Kentucky at South Carolina
The Wildcats are tough….
But Coach Steve has their number…
Always has…
GAMECOCKS 31-17

Kansas State at Texas Tech
Maybe Coach Snyder could get the Wildcats motivated..
If he wore a cape and a mask on the sidelines.
I don’t know if it would help, but it sure would be funny, wouldn’t it?
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 34-17

Miami (OH) at Northwestern
This game will be a lot closer than you might think…
That is until the National anthem is over…
WILDCATS 33-10

Purdue at Minnesota
This ancient Big Ten rivalry is played for something I can’t quite pronounce..
But it looks like a giant Tootsie Roll..
Or it could be a Donkey Turd…
I’m not really sure…
O’ SO very GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-17

Heidelberg at Ohio Northern
I bet Ole Heidelberg wears lederhosen and a funny hat when nobody’s looking
Enough said…
POLAR BEARS 21-7

Vanderbilt at Army
Some people in the SEC are quick to dismiss the Commodores..
But if they were in the PAC 10 they would be the second best team in the conference
No worse than third anyway…
Believe it…
‘DORES 28-14

Michigan State at Illinois
This Big Ten rivalry is played each year…
for the coveted “Jimmy Crack Corn Trophy”, because frankly, nobody cares.
SPARTANS 27-24

Eastern Michigan at Central Michigan
The good news is…
Because this game is in Michigan, the Eagles don’t have far to go to get their ass kicked.
CHIPPEWA’S 28-23

New Mexico at Wyoming
I don’t know if I would go as far as calling this an “upset special”..
But the Cowboy’s are due….
COWBOY UP! 20-17

Oklahoma State at Texas A&M
I have some “Good News” and some “Not so good news” here..
The “Good” news is the Aggie Corps of Cadet Marching Band…
Is one of the finest college marching bands in the country.
The Aggie War Hymn will give your goose bumps, goose bumps.
The “Not so” good news is the Cowboys are riding into town…
THE COWBOYS 38-17

Texas Southern at Rutgers
The TSU “Motion of the Ocean” – “Ocean of Soul” Marching Band
Is really something to see, unfortunately their football team isn’t.
SCARLET KNIGHTS 44-10

Navy at Rice
The Midshipmen are tough, fast and well coached.
The Owls have one of the best baseball teams in the country.
Yeah, that won’t help them much here..
MIDSHIPMEN 28-17

Henderson State at Valdosta State
The folks from Henderson are known as the “Reddies”
Which I find to be discriminatory against blondes and brunettes
Damn racists…
BLAZERS 33-10

Marshall at Tulane
I still believe in the Thundering Herd…
WE ARE MARSHALL 24-17

Utah at Colorado State
Did you know that if you spell “Rams” backward you get “Smar”…
Not that it’s all that important here…
TWO UTES 33-24

Peru College at Lincoln (MO)
Although I have never been a fan of Lincoln, I think it is inherently wrong that a university from another country is playing college football against a team from the Heartland of America.
MO knows FOOTBALL 24-20

Ohio at Akron
Seriously, what is a “Zip” and why is their mascot a damn kangaroo?
I’ll never understand Yankees..
BOBCATS 24-23

Texas Christian at Air Force
The horned amphibians are lucky as well as good….
That’s a bad combination..
HORNED FROGS 31-17

Florida at LSU
Saturday Night in Death Valley….
For an opposing team there is nothing like it….
It’s what the Christians in the roman coliseum must have felt like before they released the..
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 23-21

UTEP at Memphis
Before last weekend I would have said U-Who?
But after outlasting the Houston Cougars last Saturday night
MIGHTY MINERS 34-23

Eastern Carolina at Southern Methodist
Despite my disappointment last week with the Ponies…
Much like Steve McQueen…
I still believe in the power of the Mighty Mustangs….
MUSTANGS 28-24

Michigan at Iowa
This classic Big Ten matchup is played for “The Old Lobster Bib”
Not really, I just made that up, but you have to admit…
It’s a better idea than the “Skank Witch Trophy”
EYES of the HAWK 28-23

Brigham Young at UNLV
The Rebels have a good chance of winning this game…
If Brigham Young misses their flight to Vegas…
COUGARS 38-10

Sunday October 11th

Fresno State at Hawaii
Have I mentioned lately that “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is on A&E on Wednesday nights?
I love those guys…
BULLDOGS 33-24

Tomorrow I will have something for the disgruntled Georgia Fan…
I wonder, could it be the names and addresses of the referees from last weeks Georgia – LSU game?

Next week Hootie Snitch will discuss his request for a stimulus package to open his “new” restaurant.

Stay tuned

Enjoy your games this weekend…

RTR
MEB

I know there were a lot of surprises last week…
I also I know that I missed a good deal of my picks and upset specials..

We could “What if” this all day and speculate about a myriad of outcomes.
For example..
“What if” Spartacus had a Piper Cub?
Or “What if” Caesar had a Cessna?

There is no sense in speculating any longer
It’s time we move on to this week’s challenges

But in case you were wondering…
Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was
47 and 15 or a subpar 76% and currently for the season we are 160 and 34 or 82%.

Enjoy your games!

THE GAMES

Thursday September 24th

Ole Miss at South Carolina
This game will be a lot closer than people might think….
It all depends if Coach Steve’s Defense decides to show up…
REBELS 27-23

Friday September 25th

Missouri at Nevada
This epic struggle is the equivalent of a “Dance Off” between
Danny Terrio and Adrian Zmed….
Yes, it’s that serious
MO’S TIGERS 38-17

Saturday September 26th

Florida at Kentucky
I was awfully close to calling this one an upset special….
MIGHTY GATORS 28-24

Washington State at Southern California
I would rather stare at an Ant Farm for three hours than watch this game
TROJAN$ 134-0

EDITORS NOTE: Coach Pete how’s that Dog Bite?

Arkansas at Alabama
A powerful Razorback Offense against a Daunting Tide Defense
It should be a good one…
CRIMSON TIDE 23-21

Newberry at Carson Newman
I am more of a Mayberry man myself…
SPARKS EAGLES 33-20

Illinois at Ohio State
I got several emails this past week from Fighting Illini fans
telling me they are “Going to bring the Illini – noise” down on the Buckeyes
Good Luck with that….
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-17

Miami at Virginia Tech
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
The Canes get Wang’d in Blacksburg…
Believe it…
HOKIES 24-23

Wofford at Chattanooga
You want to know what is good for a pesky cough?
A good swift kick in the butt with a pair of…
MOCCASINS 28-23

LSU at Mississippi State
This game features Cats and Dogs…..
Now there is a football tussle worth watching….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-17

Arizona State at Georgia
The Devils from the Sun are used to the Heat..
But not the Humidity….
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS 38-24

North Carolina at Georgia Tech
If you ever go to a Tech game..
and don’t take the time to go to the Varsity…
For one of the world’s greatest chili dogs and an order of hand cut French fries..
Then you are clearly a damn communist.
YELLOW JACKETS 34-17

Texas Christian at Clemson
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!
The Tigers will play their hearts out on Saturday
Believe it….
DABO’S TIGERS 24-21

South Florida at Florida State
The Bulls lost their starting quarterback last week for the season..
Not that it would make any difference here…
SEMINOLES 43-17

Wartburg at Loras College
Kids with warts tussle with some youngsters with a topical skin fungus…
This will be disgusting….
WARTS 28-10

Ball State at Auburn
Didn’t David Letterman graduate from Ball State?
Yeah, that really won’t matter here…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 54-10

North Alabama at Harding
The Lions of Florence are roaring once again…
ROARING LIONS 33-23

Army at Iowa State
Tornado’s and Divorces have a lot in common in Iowa…
In the end some guy always loses a trailer..
CYCLONES 24-17

Minnesota at Northwestern
How did the people of Minnesota determine that their Gopher was “Golden”?
How did the conversation start?
Did it go something like this…
“Dude, I can’t believe that thing got out of the road in time..
Man, that Gopher is Golden”
I still don’t get it…
O’ So GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-24

Franklin Marshall at Juniata
Frank should know better than to tussle with Juanita when she is PM-sing.
JUANITA 33-14

Wake Forest at Boston College
This Game could easily be entitled “The Forrest Gump” game
Because much like a box of chocolates…
You never know what you are going to get in this contest
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 23-17

Georgia Southern at Elon
By the time this one is over that little Cuban kid will know all the words too
“Statesboro Blues”
EAGLES 31-23

Rutgers at Maryland
This game will be like watching two old people fight…
At First it’s kind of funny…
Then it’s just sad…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 21-17

West Alabama at Valdosta State
Honestly, this one had me at “Alabama”
TIGERS 31-28

Stony Brook at Massachusetts
I don’t really care who wins this game…
But I will tell you this…
If you are looking for a quick getaway or weekend vacation
There is no better place to stay than with the fine folks of the Stony Brook Lodge and Chalets
Located in scenic Gatlinburg.
Give Ed and Pam a call
And tell them Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator sent you.
You will be glad you did..
http://stonybrooklodging.com/

Maine at Syracuse
If you don’t think the Syracuse mascot is scary..
Then you haven’t seen the “new” Otto the Orange.
It looks like Phil Fulmer after a three day Krispy Kreme Bear Claw binge.
OTTO the ORANGE 24-14

Arizona at Oregon State
Much like Jerry Mathers…
I still believe in the Power of the Beaver
BEAVERS 38-27

EDITORS NOTE: Admit it…
You thought I was going to say something nasty here, didn’t you?
Shame on you, this is a family column.

Michigan State at Wisconsin
Cue the annoying “Jump Around” music…..
THE POWER OF VELVEETA 28-24

Ohio at Tennessee
I have Safety Tip
For the folks from Ohio visiting OBKnoxville this weekend for the game.
The term “Fast Food” has an entirely different meaning in Volunteer Country.
That term usually refers to someone that just hit a deer at 75 miles an hour.
VOWELS 44-10

Southern Miss at Kansas
Remember the part in “Wizard of Oz” were the Flying Monkeys tore apart the Scarecrow?
Yeah, this game will be a lot like that…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-28

Rhode Island at Connecticut
I cannot in good conscience…
Pull for any team whose entire existence is predicated on a lie.
Rhode Island is not an Island.
Enough said….
HUSKIES 34-0

Indiana at Michigan
Hoosier Daddy?
WOLVERINES 38-17

Fresno State at Cincinnati
Despite the fact I haven’t received any Gold Star or Sky Line Chili from the Queen City
I will still do the right thing here…
But I’m not happy
BEARKATS 33-17

San Diego State at Air Force
Didn’t the Air Force bomb the ancient Aztecs during World War II?
Don’t laugh..
Have you read a High School History Book lately?
FALCONS 31-13

Tennessee Tech at Kansas State
You want to know what a fun word is to say?
“Chimichanga”
It’s fun to say, even when you’re alone
Never mind…
WILDCATS 34-10

EDITORS NOTE: You are saying it to yourself right now..
Aren’t you?

UTEP at Texas
That rumbling sound the Miners hear isn’t the mine collapsing
It’s a Stampede…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 38-10

California at Oregon
The Quacks will fall flat….
Believe that….
Yakty Yak don’t talk back
Take your money and buy a cat
O.K. I need to stop…
GOLDEN BEARS 34-31

Central Florida at East Carolina
The Golden Knights of UCF…
Wait a minute…
Why does everything have to be “Golden”?
We have “Golden” Gophers, Bears, Eagles and Hurricanes in this week’s edition.
That all sounds horribly racist to me…
PIRATES 31-14

Pittsburgh at North Carolina State
Did you ever notice when Lou Holtz says “Pittsburgh Panthers”
He sounds like Sylvester the Cat?
Maybe it’s just me…
PANTHERS 24-17

Akron at Central Michigan
I was going to make a joke about “Zip up that Chippewa”
But it’s too early in the morning for that…
CHIPPEWA’S 34-20

Western Kentucky at Navy
If Navy loses this game I am writing a nasty letter to Captain Crunch
MIDSHIPMEN 34-23

Idaho at Northern Illinois
I have a question for the Idaho fans…
Did Mr. Potato Head ever get married?
Or did he run off with that skanky Susie Squash?
Just wondering….
HUSKIES 38-14

Colorado State at Brigham Young
Are the Cougars over their skinning by the Seminoles?
You bet they are…
COUGARS 28-17

Grambling State at Oklahoma State
This game will be uglier than Janet Reno Pole Dancing
Sorry for the visual…
COWBOY UP! 44-0

Boise State at Bowling Green
The Falcons have the same odds of winning this game..
As Siegfried and Roy releasing a book on the “Joy of Heterosexuality”
BRONCOS 38-10

U La La at Nebraska
This game is going to get uglier than an orangutan’s arm pit
CORNHUSKERS 54-10

North Carolina Central at Duke
There is a great deal of excitement on the Blue Devil campus!
After the last Blue Devil victory
There were three students attempting to tear down the goal posts…
As I understand it, they are still trying
Which is sad..
BLUE DEVILS 27-17

Sam Houston State at Tulsa
The Hero of San Jacinto is taken down by a Golden Hurricane…
That sounded horribly nasty…
Sorry…
GOLDEN HURRICANES 28-24

Northwestern State at Baylor
I thought creampuff season was over?
BEARS 38-10

UAB at Texas A&M
If the Blazers football team was a smell it would be Yak sweat
GIG EM’ AGGIES 44-0

Louisville at Utah
Both of these teams have a lot of Ute on each side of the ball.
It really boils down to which of the Ute wants it more
TWO UTES 33-31

Iowa at Penn State
I have on good authority…
That Joe Pa intends to harness the power of the sun through his reading glasses…
and roast the Hawkeyes
I don’t know if that is legal but it sure will be fun to watch
JOE PA’S LIONS 27-21

Notre Dame at Purdue
Slightly off the subject…
What is suppose to be so “magically delicious” about Lucky Charms?
If you want a breakfast cereal with some “magic” in it
I suggest you eat a bowl of raisin bran while drinking a cup of coffee
You will “magically” have the opportunity to read the Atlanta phone book
Not that it matters here
FIGHTN’ IRISH 34-14

Marshall at Memphis
Call me crazy if you want too…
It wouldn’t be anything I haven’t already heard from Mental Health professionals
WE ARE MARSHALL 24-21

Vanderbilt at Rice
What would this game be like…
If SAT scores could equate to points on the scoreboard?
COMMODORES 141,267,875 – 140,762,921

Washington at Stanford
Dogs pee on Trees…
It’s how they roll….
HUSKIES 27-21

Texas Tech at Houston
Defense? We don’t need no stinking Defense….
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 54-48

Hootie Snitch will have his Gator – Tennessee Volunteer game wrap-up tomorrow
So stay tuned
Enjoy your games
RTR
MEB

There won’t be any catchy picks through interpretive dance this week
It’s time to buckle down….
Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator recorded a 50 and 12 for Week 2 of the college football picks or a rather substandard 80%.
That leaves us at 113 and 19 or 86% for the 2009 college football season.

But before we get to the games many of you have sent me emails about Myles Brand the President of the NCAA dying yesterday. Some have suggested that I should “feel” bad about the things I have written about him and a few even mentioned that he did “some good things” for college athletics.

Let me simply say this….
“Sic Semper Tyrannis”

Now on to this Weeks Picks..

Enjoy!

COACHES QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“It’s not the will to win that matters….everyone has that.
It’s the will to prepare to win that matters.”
Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant

THE GAMES

Thursday September 17th

Georgia Tech at Miami
This game will be too close to call..
But it’s important too remember this time of the year
Is Hurricane Season…
HURRICANES 31-28

Friday September 18th

Boise State at Fresno State
If the Bronco’s aren’t careful and I mean really careful….
They will find themselves with an “L” in this one
BRONCO’S 24-23

Saturday September 19th

Furman at Missouri
Don’t get me wrong….
I used to love the sideshows at the carnival
And I think it’s wonderful…
That a Furry Man made enough money as a Carney to purchase his own college
But I am a Three Stooges Fan
MO’S TIGERS 33-17

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder what the Yak Woman did with her money.

Chattanooga at Presbyterian
In this contest we have Racist Shoes and Blue Ho’s….
I really like the fact…
There is something here to offend almost everyone
RACIST SHOE U 24-17

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder….
If “tailgating” with Blue Ho’s has an entirely different meaning?
Never mind..

Northwestern at Syracuse
Sooner or Later “Otto the Orange” will win a game….
In this case it will be “Later”…
WILDCATS 23-17

Florida Atlantic at South Carolina
Of course the Atlantic Ocean borders the east coast of Florida
But do they have to constantly remind us of it?
GAMECOCKS 34-14

Ohio State at Toledo
This is a dangerous game for the Mighty Buckeyes…
The Rockets are coming off an emotional thrashing of Colorado
And the Buckeyes will have to rebound.
BUCKEYES 33-24

Temple at Penn State
I wasn’t aware they still played football at Temple?
Doesn’t matter…
JOE PA’S LIONS 44-0

Lycoming at Susquehanna
Since Susquehanna beat Juniata last weekend with her flip-flops…
I suspect this pesky foot fungus won’t stand a chance..
SUSQUEHANNA 31-10

California at Minnesota
The O’ So Golden Bears are well conditioned, fast and prepared…
And the O’ So very Golden Gophers…
Aren’t….
GOLDEN BEARS 33-13

East Carolina at North Carolina
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!
East beats West in this one…
PIRATES 23-17

Duke at Kansas
I was going to watch this game…
But there is a T.J. Hooker mini-marathon on TV Land..
Sorry…
JAYHAWKS 20-14

Ursinus at Juniata
Before you even ask….
I have no idea why a urinary infection wants to attack Ole Juniata…
Thank God for antibiotics..
JUNIATA 20-17

Louisville at Kentucky
This game is entitled: The Battle for the Bluegrass….
This game has it all folks…
Fussing, fighting, bragging and hard feelings…
and that’s just in the parking lot before the game…
WILDCATS 34-31

Eastern Michigan at Michigan
There is “No” truth to the rumor
That a “Fly Over” at the Big House before the National Anthem is played…
Will include Coach Rod’s wife circling the stadium on her broom
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding..
WOLVERINES 34-17

Boston College at Clemson
These Birds will get plucked in Death Valley…
Believe it…
DABO’S TIGERS 28-24

Wofford at Wisconsin
Why would you name your college after a respiratory illness?
What’s next “Mucus Plug Tech”?
That’s just disgusting..
CHEESE WHIZ 34-3

Defiance at Trine
“I don’t have trine to be defiant…”.
Thought that one up all by myself..
WHAT TRINE IS IT? 22-17

Ball State at Army
What do the coaches at West Point..
Make the football players watch to motivate them before a game…
“Steel Magnolias”?
CARDINALS 28-17

Northern Illinois at Purdue
I would tune into this game…
But ESPN U has a “live” telecast of the East Timor National “Jenga” Championships
BOILERMAKERS 31-17

North Texas at Alabama
Even though Denton Texas is a long way from the Coast…
The Mean Green is about to learn the meaning of…
High Tide..
CRIMSON TIDE 34-17

Tennessee at Florida
Back in the spring Coach Lane Kiffin accused Urban Myer of cheating….
Then he made unflattering remarks about the people of Florida…
Then he said……
He looked forward to singing Rocky Top all night long after they beat Florida, it will be a Blast!
This is going to be an ass whipping of Biblical proportions…
MIGHTY GATORS 43-10

EDITORS NOTE: If you look up “Stupid to the Bone” in Webster’s Dictionary
It says, “See Lane Kiffin”

Tulsa at Oklahoma
This game as all the ingredients of an “Upset Special”
It will be that close…
BRAD-LESS SOONERS 28-24

Haskell Indian Nations University at MacMurray College
The Great Jim Thorpe began his athletic career at Haskell…
They made a return to the college football ranks last year..
And that is good enough for me..
MIGHTY HASKELL 21-17

Southern California at Washington
In the name of the Original Dog Father; Coach Don James…
I will tell you…
The Huskies will keep this one closer than you think…
TROJAN$ 33-24

Nebraska at Virginia Tech
UPSET SPECIAL !!!
No Hokey, No Pokey…
Believe it….
HUSKERS 27-24

Utah at Oregon
This reminds me of a joke…
“So, these two Ute’s were walking down the street….”
Stop me if you’ve heard it..
TWO UTES 38-28

Michigan State at Notre Dame
There isn’t a spark left in the Spartans
Fact…
FIGHTN’ IRISH 38-17

Wyoming at Colorado
Call it an “Upset Special” if you want too…
I call it…
COWBOY UP! 34-31

MTSU at Maryland
I am not completely sure about this..
But I believe that “MTSU” is Latin for…
NINJA TURTLES 38-14

Indiana at Akron
What do we have in this game: Zips and Hoosiers?
I don’t know which sounds worse…
“Hoosier Zip?”
Or…
“Zip your Hoosier”
I think it’s the later..
HOOSIERS 23-21

Virginia at Southern Miss
For the folks from Charlottesville..
This game is what I affectionately refer to as…
An old fashioned South Mississippi ass whipping
Enjoy…
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-10

Alcorn State at Central Michigan
Do you really think I would go against Coach Jones and the Chippewa’s?
Not a chance…
CHIPPEWA’S 27-14

Arizona at Iowa
This one will be come down to who has the football, last
HAWKEYES 23-21

Florida International at Rutgers
Why is this university so “International”?
Is it located near the airport?
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 31-17

Connecticut at Baylor
The Boys from Waco are for Real…..
Believe it…
BEARS 24-14

Southern Methodist at Washington State
I know this is Conference USA against the “all powerful” PAC 10
So I have two words for you….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-28

Garner Webb at North Carolina State
I thought Mr. and Mrs. Webb raised their boy “Garner” to be smarter than that.
He should know better than to tangle with a pack of wolves.
WOLFPACK 44-10

Navy at Pittsburgh
UPSET SPECIAL!
Yes, I am serious….
MIDSHIPMEN 28-24

Elon at Wake Forest
That little Cuban boy is going to get the hell beat out him…
DEMON DEACONS 34-17

Cincinnati at Oregon State
This game is going to be a tussle from start to finish…
Believe it…
BEAVERS 34-31

Rice at Oklahoma State
The Cowboys are mad as Hell….
And Rice has a wonderful Computer Science Library…
Do the math…
COWBOYS 44-17

U La La at LSU
The Cajuns will be Ragin’….
But this is home to Mike the Tiger….
Billy Cannon and the Chinese Bandits…
And in case you didn’t know…
They call it “Death Valley” for a reason…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-17

Texas State at Texas Christian
If this was a boxing match the referee’s would stop the game after they heard
“And the home of the Brave….”
HORNED FROGS 146-0

Florida State at Brigham Young
The folks from the Land of Donny and Marie
Will have a rude welcome in store for Coach Bobby and the Seminoles
COUGARS 27-20

Charleston Southern at South Florida
It’s the second trip this year to Florida for the Boys from Charleston
unfortunately for them…..
Same result
NO BULL 44-10

Mississippi State at Vanderbilt
The Dawgs and Dores will battle it out in the Music City
This one will be close…..
COMMODORES 20-18

UNC Pembroke at Carson Newman
Pembroke?
Aren’t those the people that market smoked meat and cheese at Christmas?
I can’t have them competing against my “newest” sponsor.
Just remember, when you think about canned meat and cheese..
Think “Yoder’s”
The Amish Meat and Cheese Company
SPARKS EAGLES 38-10

Utah State at Texas A&M
In this battle between Aggies…
I have to go with my favorite Agro-Americans…
I am just keeping it real
GIG EM AGGIES 33-10

Bowling Green at Marshall
I watched my favorite college football movie last night
“WE ARE MARSHALL”
Enough said…
THUNDERING HERD 28-24

Iowa State at Kent State
Every time I hear “Golden Flashes”…
I think of the cast from “Golden Girls” flashing the audience
I just threw up a little bit when I was typing this…
CYCLONES 23-20

Nicholls State at Louisiana Tech
The Folks from State are going to feel..
Like they got hit with a bag of Nickels by the time this one is over.
BULLDOGS 43-10

Southeastern Louisiana at Ole Miss
This game is going to be uglier than Hillary Clinton in a bikini
Sorry for the disturbing visual
REBELS 48-0

Air Force at New Mexico
Doesn’t the Air Force have a bombing range in New Mexico?
I thought so…
FALCONS 33-28

Georgia at Arkansas
This contest is between the Hawgs and Dawgs…
Isn’t that a German Ice Cream?
Never mind…
This game could go either way..
DAWGS 33-31

West Georgia at North Alabama
We are a long way from the Championship Game for this Division…
But I believe there will be another National Championship coming to Florence
MIGHTY LIONS 28-17

West Virginia at Auburn
Save a Couch….
Beat the Mountaineers…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 34-21

Texas Tech at Texas
The folks in burnt orange have waited a whole year for this game
And it’s like I always say..
“Revenge is best served in your home stadium”
LONGHORNS 38-17

Tennessee Martin at Memphis
I don’t know what Martin was thinking when he scheduled this game..
He must have been liquored up
TIGERS 24-16

San Jose State at Stanford
I had every intention of watching this game….
That was until I heard
There is a “Billy Jack” marathon on Turner Classic Movies
They are showing the entire Billy Jack trilogy…
A man has to have his priorities in order
CARDINAL 6-5

Louisiana Monroe at Arizona State
Unfortunately this game comes on after the San Jose State – Stanford game
And that will conflict with me watching the second movie in the “Billy Jack” trilogy
Sorry…
DEVILS of the SUN 41-17

Kansas State at UCLA
Hello? Trilogy as in the number three
I can’t watch this game and miss the last “Billy Jack” movie
It just wouldn’t be right….
BRUINS 27-17

Hootie Snitch will have his “Gator Special” out tomorrow…
So stay tuned..

Enjoy your games….

RTR
MEB

Much like Richard Petty…..
It’s good to be the King….

Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator……
Finished Week One at 63 and 7 or a rather remarkable 90%…..
Not to mention…
Hitting the “Upset Special” and the exact score of the game…

However, even with this wonderful statistic..
I was roundly criticized in an email last week that said my writing style “wasn’t sophisticated enough…..”
The email went on to state that my website “should be more artsy”……

Me not sophisticated enough?

So with that in mind and in an effort to add some “sophistication” to my website….
I am going do a portion of the Week Two College Football Picks..
Through “Interpretive Dance”
Let me get loosened up before we get started, I don’t want to pull a hamstring…

THE GAMES

Thursday September 10th

Clemson at Georgia Tech
I wish I had better news for my Tiger faithful…
But I am serious about going on strike…
If I have to endure another season without tailgating with my adopted Clemson Family.
YELLOW JACKETS 28-17

Campbellsville at Carson Newman
Do you know what the mascot from Campbellsville is called?
“Gaylord the Camel”…..
Enough said…
SPARKS EAGLES 31-10

Slippery Rock at Kutztown
I wonder if Kutztown is close to Funky Town?
GOLDEN BEARS 24-20

Friday September 11th

Colorado at Toledo
When I read the Buffalos would be playing the Rockets…
I thought….
Wouldn’t it be great if I could put my sister-in-law on a rocket to Mars
I know…
Sometimes I wish for too much.
BUFFALOS 24-20

Worchester Tech at Worchester State
This Worchester Sauce rivalry has gotten out of hand…
I would pick this game, but I am a Tabasco man…
Sorry..

Saturday September 12th

Idaho State at Oklahoma
I couldn’t help but notice…
My River Dance closely resembles the Sooners running game this coming weekend
SOONERS 38-0

Syracuse at Penn State
I just hit by toe on the damn coffee table…
I need ice and some Tylenol…..
JOE PA’S LIONS 34-10

North Carolina at Connecticut
Don’t worry..
I can do the “Hula” with ice on my foot….
But it makes me wonder….
Did they call Don Ho’s wife, “Mrs. Ho”?
That’s just wrong…
TAR HEELS 24-21

Eastern Michigan at Northwestern
Before you ask….
“No” I am not wearing a grass skirt and a coconut bra…
WILDCATS 33-17

Richmond at Delaware
My Labrador Retriever “Doc”…
Must have thought I wanted to play while I was performing the “Hula”.
When I wasn’t paying attention he jumped up and hit me square in the Jimmy..
I have to set down for a minute…
BLUE HENS 28-24

Western Michigan at Indiana
Hoosier Bronco?
Sounds like the standard greeting at a Village People reunion Concert
HOOSIERS 24-20

Central Michigan at Michigan State
I need to limp into the kitchen and get another bag of ice…
Doc really nailed me
SPARTANS 38-10

Stanford at Wake Forest
Doc must have used both his front feet….
Because just for a second I thought I was going to pass out…

Wait, I need to concentrate on this game
Lets see…
We have the California “Tree” and that other mascot….
That looks like Jimmy Swaggart after a weekend bender
DEMON DEACONS 28-24

Fresno State at Wisconsin
Behold the Power of Pasteurized Velveeta
BADGERS 31-24

Duke at Army
One of the First signs of the coming Apocalypse?
The Black Knights of the Hudson win two games in a row…
BLACK KNIGHTS 33-14

Albion at Thiel College
“Tonic” has his own college?
He must have more money squirreled away than Ernest Tubb
But I have to ask….
Why is he playing against one of Prince’s former backup singers?
TONICS 24-17

EDITORS NOTE: The above was intended as an inside joke…
If you didn’t get it, don’t worry about it.

Pittsburgh at Buffalo
I wonder….
Is Pittsburg playing the City, the College or the Animal?
They need to be more specific..
PANTHERS 38-10

Iowa at Iowa State
This battle for instate supremacy is played for the coveted Cy-Hawk Trophy
Not really sure what that is…
But I am betting it’s not as valuable as the Floyd of Rosedale…
I just found out the Floyd of Rosedale is a Trophy of a Bronze Pig ..
How cool is that?
HAWKEYES 24-23

Troy at Florida
This is going to get uglier than my sister-in-law’s Prom Night
Minus the midnight blue eye shadow…
MIGHTY GATORS 54-10

Marshall at Virginia Tech
This is an excellent opportunity for me to perform….
The “Hokie Pokey….:”
Wait? Is it “put my left foot in” or the other way around?
Now I am confused…
I hope I don’t pull something..
HOKIES 38-10

Arkansas State at Nebraska
I knew I shouldn’t have attempted the “Electric Slide”….
After my wife just waxed the kitchen floor
I can’t believe I broke the coffee pot….
CORNHUSKERS 43-13

Kent State at Boston College
The folks from Kent State are known as the “Golden Flashes”
What are they referring too?
A bunch of old People flashing traffic in front of the Rest Home?
Sorry for the visual…
CHESNUTT HILL EAGLES 41-7

Gallaudet at Hiram
I knew and old man named Hiram when I was a little boy…
He was the toughest man I ever knew…
This fancy pants Frenchman wouldn’t stand a chance against him..
HIRAM SISK 43-24

Texas at Wyoming
Longhorns stampede Cowboys….
Film at Eleven…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 45-16

Houston at Oklahoma State
The Cowboys had better be careful…
The Cougars are for real….
COWBOY UP! 33-28

Texas Christian at Virginia
If the Cavaliers couldn’t beat a liquored up Bill and Mary
Then they sure can’t take a Horned Frog down…
It’s a rule…
HORNED FROGS 28-17

Susquehanna at Juniata
There is nothing quite like watching two Mexican girls fight…
While I perform the Macarena.
JUNIATA 17-10

Brigham Young at Tulane
The Green Wave will be reduced to a chartreuse trickle before this one is over..
COUGARS 33-13

Notre Dame at Michigan
In honor of this game…
I will now perform the Polka…

But to be perfectly honest…
I would rather be water boarded than listen to polka music..
FIGHTING IRISH 28-17

Howard at Rutgers
Howard? Howard Sprague from the Andy Griffith Show?
Doesn’t really matter here….
Because Barney Fife is still the man…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 38-0

Idaho at Washington
Keeping with the theme of “Idaho”…
I will now perform the “Mash Potato”…
MIGHTY HUSKIES 31-24

East Carolina at West Virginia
I love the smell of burned couches smoldering in the morning air…
It smells like…
Victory…
MOUNTAINEERS 34-24

Louisiana Tech at Navy
I won’t doubt the Midshipmen again…
At least not this week…
MIDSHIPMEN 33-24

South Arkansas at Valdosta State
Now this is a shame…
The Folks from “Football Country” in Valdosta Georgia…
Used to be known as the “Rebels”
But since that is deemed as “racist” by a bunch of Yankees
They are now known as the “Blazers”…
What is so scary about a nice sport coat?
Who sponsors them, The Men’s Wearhouse?
MEN’S WEARHOUSE 31-28

Southern Methodist at UAB
My Poor Ponies will be outmatched in this one…
That’s all I have to say about that…
BLAZERS 33-17

EDITORS NOTE: Why are these “Blazers” mascot a Dragon?
Is it a well dressed Dragon? A Dragon wearing a sport coat?
It doesn’t make sense to me…
Never mind…

UCLA at Tennessee
It seemed at first glance…
That performing a Tennessee version of a “Ho-Down” would be most appropriate for this game.
But that term has an entirely different meaning in OBKnoxville….
When a person says “Ho-Down” in OBKnoxville..
It is usually followed by someone yelling, “And call the Po-lice!”
VOWELS 33-24

Georgia Southern at South Dakota State
As far as I am concerned….
When it comes to Statesboro…
Coach Russell is still the man, the myth and the Legend.
EAGLES 24-21

Weber State at Colorado State
Have I mentioned lately…
That the folks from Weber make a wonderful little grill perfect for tailgating?
RAMS 31-14

Eastern Washington at California
Since the State of California has become “Mexico North”, I will now perform…
The Flamingo…
What’s with holding your hand in the air while you snap your fingers?
I don’t get it..
GOLDEN BEARS 44-10

Jacksonville State at Florida State
I almost lost my fingers in the damn ceiling fan…
I need to get some more ice and take some more Tylenol
SEMINOLES 34-0

James Madison at Maryland
I am not to sure about Jim….
But I know his lovely wife Dolly makes some wonderful donuts
Not that it matters here
FIGHTING TURTLES 31-17

La Grange at Shorter College
I KNEW there was a college for midgets!
HAW HAW HAW 24-14

EDITORS NOTE: In case you didn’t know..
The above Pick was in reference to my favorite ZZ Top song…

Murray State at North Carolina State
My Tennessee Vol “Salute” finger is so swollen it looks like a hotdog…
Glad I didn’t lose it…
WOLFPACK 23-17

Florida International at Alabama
The Folks from Florida should know all about High Tides by now…
CRIMSON TIDE 34-0

Vanderbilt at LSU
The Commodores haven’t beaten the Tigers in LSU since 1951..
That streak continues Saturday Night…
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-10

South Carolina at Georgia
This game is going to bloodier than Prom night at the Butcher School
DAWGS 20-17

North Alabama at Henderson State
The Boys from Florence get it done again this week…
LIONS 33-10

Mississippi State at Auburn
Get the toilet paper out Tiger fans….
And head on down to Toomer’s Corner…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 28-17

Air Force at Minnesota
I always thought “Salsa” was just a tasty dip with tortilla chips..
And “Doing the Salsa”..
Meant somebody had to run down to Piggly Wiggly to get more dip at halftime.
Who knew it was actually a dance?
FALCONS 28-24

Bowling Green at Missouri
Despite the fact “Curley” is my favorite of the Three Stooges..
I still have go with MO in this one..
MO’S TIGERS 33-13

Hawaii at Washington State
I was going to watch this game….
But, the North American Pineapple Skinning Championships are on ESPN U…
I can’t miss it…
Sorry…
WARRIORS skipping over RAINBOWS 6-3

Illinois State at Illinois
“Run here come the Sycamore Trees!”
Sorry, I still don’t get it…
FIGHTN’ PUMPKINS 31-10

Central Florida at Southern Miss
On paper this is going to be a really close game…
But they don’t play football games on paper.
GOLDEN EAGLES 27-23

Rice at Texas Tech
I would never disappoint my Red Raider faithful
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS! 34-17

Kansas at Texas El Paso UTEP
I figured out what “Salsa” means in Spanish…
It means…
“If you aren’t careful, you will pull a muscle in your hip”
JAYHAWKS 23-21

South Florida at Western Kentucky
I really didn’t think this whole “Interpretive Dance” idea through..
Or I would have bought more ice..
NO BULL 31-17

Southern California at Ohio State
Maybe I have injured myself too much today with my interpretive dance..
Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking…
It could just be my deep hatred of everything Southern California
Either way…
I am a believer
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 24-17

Miami (Ohio) at Boise State
Remember you heard it here first…
The Broncos will finish the season undefeated…
BRONCOS 34-10

Tulsa at New Mexico
My hand is so swollen from catching it in the ceiling fan that I am typing with my elbow.
Not the one I hit with the coffee pot, the other elbow.
But setting on this ice pack makes me appreciate how polar bears must feel.
GOLDEN HURRICANES 33-28

Northern Arizona at Arizona
I was going to do this ballet thing….
But I think I broke my toe on the coffee table earlier doing the damn River Dance
Sorry..
WILDCATS 6-3

Purdue at Oregon
I was trying to think of something positive to say about the Quackers
But the Tylenol is starting to kick in…
BOILERMAKERS 23-17

Utah at San Jose State
I have a semi-unrelated Philosophical question for you…
If San Jose is everybody’s Home Coming Game…
Then who do they play at Home Coming?
Makes you wonder. Doesn’t it?
TWO UTES 34-10

Oregon State at UNLV
Next time I want to do the picks through “Interpretive Dance”
I think I will just have somebody beat me with a fungo bat for an hour.
It won’t hurt nearly as bad…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 38-17

After I return from the Emergency Room…..
I will have a special update for you tomorrow…
So stay tuned….

Enjoy your games…

RTR
MEB

It’s finally here……
The start of the 2009 College Football Season….

This season we will see….
A Bedlam game and Back Yard Brawls….
Civil Wars and tussles over an old Brass Spittoon, an Oaken Bucket, a Wagon Wheel and a Victory Bell.
And yes….
There will be Holy Wars and fights over the Golden Boot and numerous battles for Bones, Buckles and other assorted hardware.

So put your tray table in its upright position….
And tighten those safety belts….
This season is going to be a bumpy ride….

Enjoy Your Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday September 3rd

South Carolina at North Carolina State
This is the way to start the season…..
Two evenly matched teams with bad blood between them…
The Wolfpack will be tough…..
But I rarely go against Coach Steve….
GAMECOCKS 24-21

Eastern Kentucky at Indiana
Hoosier Colonel?
HOOSIERS 27-17

Utah State at Utah
This is the Battle of the Brothers….
The first game in the fight for the Beehive Boot…
After last January I am a believer…
TWO UTES 34-31

EDITORS NOTE: Admit it…
I continually amaze you with the depth of my college football knowledge

Oregon at Boise State
In the last 60 games in beautiful Boise Idaho the Bronco’s won 58 of them….
That’s good enough for me….
Down go the Ducks…..
Remember you read it here first…
BRONCOS 33-28

WARNING: Viewing this game with the Oregon Duck “dancing highlighter” uniforms on the blue football field of Boise State can cause dots to appear before your eyes lasting for several hours.
If this condition persists, please see a physician.

Glenville at Chattanooga
Little known fact….
The Native American Word originally used for Chattanooga is….
“Chu na see Ka-ema Wa-sue Na maa”
Which means….
“White man make racist shoe school…..”
Coincidence? I think not..
RACIST SHOE U 21-10

Quincy at Southeast Missouri State
They named a school after that medical examiner on television?
That’s just crazy…
REDHAWKS 24-10

Friday September 4th

Tulsa at Tulane
In this game we have “Green Waves” and “Golden Hurricanes”
It sounds like a bunch of Port-O’-Johns got turned over…
Sorry for the visual….
GOLDEN HURRICANES 31-17

West Chester at Delaware
Just because Chester was on “Gunsmoke”…
Doesn’t mean he has to throw the “West” in his name…
We know “Gunsmoke” took place in the old west…
This is just insulting…
BLUE HENS 34-10

Assumption at Worchester State
I think we can “Assume” from this game…
That Worchester Sauce is a wonderful compliment to almost any tailgating experience.
LANCERS 20-10

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering….
Yes, there are times that I actually amaze myself…

Saturday September 5th

Portland State at Oregon State
In a choice between Vikings and Beavers…
I will take Beavers each and every time…
BEAVERS 44-10

Central Arkansas at Hawaii
I have four words for you concerning this game…
“Dog the Bounty Hunter”
WARRIORS on RAINBOWS 53-0

EDITORS NOTE: I know….
Dog the Bounty Hunter doesn’t have anything to do with this game..
I am just glad he is back on the air…
In case you were wondering…
That would be on A&E on Wednesday Nights..

Towson at Northwestern
I wonder…..
Does “Tow Son” have anything to do with my favorite Tow Truck museum?

http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org/

Just wondering…
WILDCATS 38-7

Dixie State at Southern Utah
Honestly, you had me at “Dixie”…
THUNDERBIRDS 24-10

Montana State at Michigan State
The Bobcats will be turned into house cats before the third quarter…
Believe it…
SPARTANS 38-21

Appalachian State at East Carolina
This game will be a closer than you might think….
PIRATES 31-29

Minnesota at Syracuse
Fighting Gophers and Otto the Orange…..
Sounds like a nightmare from Alice and Wonderland….
O So GOLDEN GOPHERS 23-17

Kentucky at Miami (OH)
After an exhaustive Google search I can assure you there isn’t a single palm tree anywhere in “Miami, Ohio”
With that in mind I cannot in good conscience pull for a team who’s entire history is based on a lie.
WILDCATS 33-28

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t want any hate mail from the folks in “Miami” Ohio…
I feel the same way about the folks from Rhode Island….

Wartburg at St Norbert
I have a lot of questions about this game….
Why is Norbert a saint and why do they have a college for people with warts?
GREEN KNIGHTS 23-17

Navy at Ohio State
I have some advice for Navy in this game…
Immediately after the midshipmen hear “and the rockets red glare…”
Somebody yell “Abandon ship!”
BUCKEYES 38-10

Akron at Penn State
Here is how it works…..
A “Zip”….not that I am completely sure what that is…
Cannot beat a Lion, Nittany or not….
JOE PA’s LIONS 34-9

Liberty at West Virginia
The Statue of Liberty carries a lighted torch…
In Morgantown they light couches after a win….
Not really sure about the correlation here..
Just thought I would mention it…
MOUNTAINEERS 38-6

Toledo at Purdue
I will tell you what came to mind when I realized this game would be about “Rockets and Boilermakers”…
I would need a Boilermaker if I was going to ride a Rocket….
Hence, why I never made it as an Astronaut
BOILERMAKERS 33-24

Northern Iowa at Iowa
A Panther can’t beat a Hawkeye….
I saw it on the Animal Planet, so it must be true
HAWKEYES 38-10

Western Kentucky at Tennessee
This game will be uglier than Prom Night at the Blind School…
And that’s just the fans….
VOWELS 56-0

Jacksonville State at Georgia Tech
The roosters will be fried chickens before the second quarter expires…
YELLOW JACKETS 44-10

Youngstown State at Pittsburgh
If you don’t want to see the hell beat out of a bunch of penguins…
Then don’t watch this one…
PANTHERS 34-14

Northeastern at Boston College
These colleges with more than one direction in their name make me believe that Rand McNally really does have his own university.
EAGLES 34-6

Nicholls State at Air Force
The Colonels will be reduced to Privates First Classes before halftime…
FALCONS 43-10

Weber State at Wyoming
Not that it’s all that important here…
But the folks at Weber make a wonderful grill perfect for tailgating..
COWBOY 28-10

San Jose State at Southern California
Yippee!
Another “Big” In state rivalry game for U$C….
TROJANS 114-3

Nevada at Notre Dame
The first home game of the season in South Bend…
And you know what that means…
They let that Leprechaun run around the stadium naked…..
Which is just icky….
FIGHTING IRISH 33-21

Western Michigan at Michigan
There is no truth to the rumor….
That Coach Rod’s wife had her breast job done by a veterinary school in West Virginia.
This is incorrect and hurtful.
Her procedure took place at Auburn University Veterinary School
I hope this cleared up any misunderstanding
WOLVERINES 28-24

Baylor at Wake Forest
UPSET SPECIAL….
Believe it…BEARS 24-21

Georgia at Oklahoma State
I have some bad news for my Bulldog faithful….
COWBOY UP 28-17

Carson Newman at North Alabama
A clash of Titans in Florence Alabama……
Each is a traditional powerhouse in their own right…
What a way to start the season…..
Wish I was there eating some of that wonderful Coleman’s BBQ….
SPARKS EAGLES 28-24

Jackson State at Mississippi State
The folks from Starkville and I agree….
You can never have enough cowbell….
BULLDOGS 24-10

Missouri at Illinois
This border clash is known as “The Arch Rivalry Game”
The past few years it’s been all MO’s Tigers…
This year…
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 24-17

Southern Illinois at Marshall
Three words for you….
“WE ARE MARSHALL”
THUNDERING HERD 28-17

Northwestern State at Houston
That darn Rand McNally has more colleges than Wal-Mart has superstores…
COUGARS 41-10

Citadel at North Carolina
The Heels lay it to the Dogs…
Film at Eleven….
TAR HEELS 31-10

Ouachita Baptist at Texas College
I have heard of Southern Baptist….
But I haven’t a clue to what an Ouachita Baptist is….
But I am willing to bet they won’t recognize each other in Hooter’s either
TIGERS 17-14

Middle Tennessee State at Clemson
If I have to go another year without tailgating with my adopted Clemson Family…
I am going on strike…
DABO TIGERS 34-17

Louisiana Tech at Auburn
The Bulldogs will keep it close until the opening kickoff….
WAR DAMN EAGLE 38-17

Missouri State at Arkansas
I am not quite sure what “Woo Pig Suey” means when the Arkansas faithful yell this at Razorback games….
I think in Latin it means “Bears get their Butts Beat”
HAWGS 43-3

Charleston Southern at Florida
If this game was a boxing match they would stop it in the first quarter…
MIGHTY GATORS 54-0

Wofford at South Florida
I think it’s wonderful that Chewbacca has his own college….
Not that it matters here…
BAD BULLS 34-10

Florida Atlantic at Nebraska
Welcome to Lincoln!
And enjoy your Husker ass whipping….
BO’s CORNHUSKERS 38-10

Brigham Young at Oklahoma
This game will played in beautiful Arlington Texas…
Don’t count the cougars out of this one….
SOONERS 38-34

New Mexico at Texas A&M
I hate to go against the Lobos…
But the Aggies are my favorite Agro-Americans….
GIG EM AGGIES 31-24

Louisiana Monroe at Texas
What in the Hell was Monroe thinking?
Those Longhorns are going to kill him!
HOOK EM HORNS 43-10

Northern Illinois at Wisconsin
Behold the Power of Cheese Whiz…..
BADGERS 38-14

Army at Eastern Michigan
West Point plays football like old people drive…
Slow and sloppy…
EAGLES 31-10

Northern Colorado at Kansas
I would watch this game…
But the History of Macaroni and Cheese is playing on the Food Channel
JAYS HAWKS 34-6

Alcorn State at Southern Miss
Nothing like a football Saturday in Hattiesburg …
I can almost smell that BBQ smoking from here…
GOLDEN EAGLES 41-10

North Dakota at Texas Tech
I feel bad for the folks from North Dakota…
They only have two seasons up there…
Winter and Fourth of July…
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 43-10

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note…
I hope while the Folks from North Dakota are in Lubbock they take in the Buddy Holly Museum.
It’s a must see…

San Diego State at UCLA
I would watch this game…
But this is the time I scheduled to rearrange my sock drawer.
Sorry…
BRUINS 33-17

Indiana State at Louisville
What is supposed to be so scary about a “Sycamore” Tree?
Everybody RUN! The Sycamores are coming!
That’s just stupid…
CARDINALS 41-0

Western Carolina at Vanderbilt
I can’t help but ask….
Catamount what?
I don’t get it…
COMMODORES 28-10

Idaho at New Mexico State
Famous Potato University are known as the Vandals..
Now there is an interesting mascot…
What is the name of their fight song?
“Pillage and Burn”?
AGGIES 24-17

Alabama at Virginia Tech
Prime Time In the Atlanta Georgia Dome…
No Hokey….
No Pokey…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-20

Stanford at Washington State
I would watch this game….
But the Regional Pineapple Skinning Championships are on ESPN U at the same time….
Sorry about that…
CARDINAL 6-3

Stephen F. Austin at Southern Methodist
I cannot in good conscience make any jokes about Stephen F. Austin…
It’s against my religion…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-28

Central Michigan at Arizona
For just a second I almost cared about this game…
Then I realized it was just gas…
WILDCATS 7-3

Idaho State at Arizona State
Bengals and Sun Devils….
Reminds me of a nightmare I had after a night of ill prepared Mexican Food…
I believe there was an iguana in there too…
Never mind..
DEVILS in the SUN 44-10

Maryland at California
The Ninja Turtles are outmatched in this one….
But the good news is…
Coach Fridge has successfully beaten anorexia…
Which is nice…
GOLDEN BEARS 33-17

LSU at Washington
Twenty five years ago this would have been a heck of a game…
It’s not, so it won’t be..
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 38-10

Sunday September 6th

Ole Miss at Memphis
I think this rivalry is played for the Velvet Elvis…
Thank you, thank you very much…
REBELS 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: Not that it’s all that important here..
But I do a phenomenal Elvis impersonation…

Colorado State at Colorado
The Rocky Mountain Showdown
For the coveted Centennial Cup….
This game always comes down to the last minute…
Hold on to your seats….
BUFFALOS 33-31

Monday September 7th

Cincinnati at Rutgers
All the experts are picking the Scarlett Knights…
That’s why I am going with the Boys from Chili Town…
BEARKATS 21-17

Miami at Florida State
This is a classic Instate rivalry……
It has produced some of the greatest games in college football history…
In fact….
Coach Bobby remembers….
Setting in the stands with his father watching one of the first games in this rivalry…
I believe it was in 1909…..
SEMINOLES 24-17

Your Week 2 College Football Picks and Prognostications will be out next week…
So stay tuned….

And enjoy your games…

RTR
MEB

I present….
The long awaited final installment of the College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza….

In this edition we will catch up on news from around the college football world and examine a number of hallowed College Football Traditions….

I will explain the AP Pre-Season Top 25 in College Football and tell you who will be in Pasadena on January 2010.

And as always we have your Pre-Season Email Questions and Answers

Enjoy….

GARY BUSEY QUOTE OF THE WEEK

I am aware that having a Gary Busey quote embedded in the Pre-Season Extravaganza has little to do with College Football.
However….
Since this was introduced a couple of weeks ago I have been overwhelmed with emails requesting more.

My dear fans I hear you….
Enjoy…

Your Gary Busey quote of the week…..

“It’s good for everyone to understand that they are to love their enemies, simply because your enemies show you things about yourself you need to change.
So in actuality enemies are friends in reverse.”

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t feel bad…..
I didn’t get it either…

COACHES CORNER

As we all know by now, Coach Pete Carroll of U$C Trojan Fame has written or co-authored a number of books detailing his success in coaching college football with U$C.

There is…..
“Winning Forever…”

And my personal favorite….
“Cheating in College Football for Dummies”

And then there is Coach Pete’s latest book entitled…..
“Always Compete”

I have on good authority that the following excerpts were removed from the book just prior to printing…..

The particular section in question deals with Coach Pete’s “prankster” side or as his publicist stated, “This particular section of the book illuminates Coach Pete’s wonderful sense of humor and shows his “down to earth” side.”

Being a real jokester, Pete loves to pull pranks on people. Well, almost always, sometimes those little pranks just don’t work out.

During the 2006 season, Pete thought it would be funny to put a potato in the tailpipe of Reggie Bush’s 1996, souped up Chevy Impala that was allegedly paid for by New Age Sports. Reggie comes out of the dorm after a long “study” session, pimped out in a fur coat, wide brimmed fedora, two hot babes on each arm, and a smile showing a grill that would make Diamonds-r-us proud. He plops the two well endowed Chiquita’s in the front seat, swings around to the driver’s side door, and pops in. Reggie turns the car over and nothing happens. Pete and a couple of assistant coaches are behind some shrubbery, watching the scene unfold, and giggling like a couple of prepubescent school girls. Again, Reggie tries to start his prized hot rod and, again, no love. He turns the ignition one more time, presses down hard on the accelerator with his stacked leather Gucci shoes, and BLAM!!!! The potato shoots out of the tailpipe like a .45 caliber round out of a handgun, zips toward the shrubbery, and catches Coach Pete right between the eyes!! Reggie jumps out of the car with urine stained trousers, sees his head coach with potato embedded in his forehead, assistant coaches howling, and begins a profanity laden tirade. He begins to sprint toward the Coach but its too late, Carroll and crew gone in an instant.

What a jokester.

Then there was the time that Pete’s friend Myles Brand was in town. When those two get together, well, let’s say the results are unpredictable. Myles is well known for having more than a few late night toddies before bedtime. Back in 2007, Pete decided it would be fun to add a little Ex Lax to the good NCAA Presidents Scotch. Not willing to stop there, Pete snuck into Myles guest quarters on the beautiful USC campus and glued the bathroom doors shut. Again, Pete and the coaching staff were hidden in the shrubbery outside, peering in the window to Myles’ study waiting for the special elixir to work its magic. Sure enough, after a couple of drinks, Myles begins to squirm in his seat, then jumps up, and rushes to the bathroom. Whoops!! He can’t unlock the door!! Needless to say, Myles not only did the Texas two step out into the frigid night air and into the back yard, but he barely made it off the back porch before an explosion erupted from his nether reaches, blowing his pajamas out clean down to his knees. Not a pretty sight. Pete & the coaches jumped out of the bushes and a startled Myles rolled backwards into the putrid pile he had just expelled while all had tons of belly laughs. Myles, more than a little rankled, promised Pete that he’d get his revenge.
And so he did, hence the OJ Mayo investigation.

Yes, Pete Carroll has quite the sense of humor.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS

NCAA FASHION POLICE: In case you haven’t heard….

The NCAA Fashion Police are at it again…..

They have docked the Clemson Tigers two preseason practices for wearing “improper attire” at its first two workouts last week.
NCAA rules say players can only wear jerseys and shorts during the five-day acclimatization period.
However, the Tigers wore long, compression shorts with padding on the top, referred to as girdles.
Pictures of Clemson players in the “improper” shorts are on the Clemson athletic Web site.
Coach Dabo Swinney says the team did not knowingly break the rule, considered a secondary violation by the NCAA.
A second practice scheduled for Monday was canceled. The Tigers will work out just once Friday after originally scheduling two sessions.
Swinney referred to the matter as “Girdlegate.”
Athletic spokesman Tim Bourret said no other penalties are involved.

EDITORS NOTE: So Clemson players can’t wear compression shorts…
But U$C players can wear thongs to practice….
Yeah that makes perfect sense to me now….

U$C: Last week the Trojan Times reported that one time Arkansas transfer and heir apparent to the Trojan quarterback franchise Mitch Mustain was experiencing what was described as “academic issues” and was ineligible for the season opener against San Jose State.

Then magically…..
This week….

(Insert your favorite magician special effect noises here)

He is cleared!
That compliance department at U$C works faster than Ernest Angely!

Coach Pete Carroll reported that Mitch was cleared to play and practice…
Amazing….
Since neither Pete nor the Trojan Times had any additional information on how the process took place or what the initial issues were…

EDITORS NOTE: So the compliance department at U$C can figure this issue out at light speed….
But they can’t find Reggie Bush’s momma’s house?
So how is that “investigation” going into Reggie Bush while he was with the Trojans?

MIAMI: Excited Hurricane Football Fans have written me asking for “more information” concerning the “Hurricane Fan Packs” that will be issued at upcoming home games in the “new” cane Stadium.

Enclosed is a snapshot of one lucky fan with his new Hurricane “grill”….

EDITORS NOTE: Classy…..

FLORIDA STATE: Many of you have written me recently and asked if Coach Bobby is “still recruiting”?
I have on good authority that he has been actively recruiting this offseason.
In fact!
Here is a picture of Coach Bobby “recruiting” at a local Florida Penitentiary.

CHATTANOOGA: “Racist Shoe U”….

CLEMSON: I am just glad the Tigers weren’t wearing racist shoes with their compression shorts….
Then there would have been REAL trouble!

SOUTH CAROLINA: The national sports media wants to make a ruckus over Coach Steve’s apparent lack of concern over voting in the “All-Southeastern Conference” ballot.
Let me remind you all something, which is vital this time of year….
It’s doesn’t matter where you start the season….
It matters where you finish…
Same goes for individual awards.
Enough said..

TENNESSEE: At the recent Southeastern Conference media days Coach Lane said that the Volunteers “had to go outside the state to recruit, because there wasn’t any good football in the state of Tennessee.”

I bet that was news to the Oak Ridge Wildcats….
Hillsboro…
Riverdale….
The Gallatin Green Wave…
Maryville….
And Alcoa….
As well as all the fine high schools in Memphis…

EDITORS NOTE: You are thinking it, so I will say it…
What a dumbass…..

KENTUCKY: Don’t underestimate these Cats…
They are a lot better than advertised….
A-Lot better…..

LSU: Hey Fightn’ Tigers….
The evening of 10 October 2009 in Death Valley….
The Mighty Bayou Bengals season will be determined..
Believe it….

NEBRASKA: I know your question Big Red Fans…
Will the Cornhuskers build on last year’s success?
Yes and they will take down one big program along the way….
Believe it…

OKLAHOMA: Don’t overlook BYU early…
Or you will meet the Longhorns with two loses…..

OREGON: Congratulations! Once again…..
The Ducks have won the Butt Ugly Award for their uniforms….
I know that it must be difficult not having any college football traditions to speak of…
Selling out and being the butt monkey of NIKE…
Allowing them to change whatever they want at will, just so you can milk them for more money..
So Congratulations on having the ugliest uniforms (again) in all of college football..
You deserve it.

NOTRE DAME: What is the number one question I get from Irish Fans?
“Will the Fighting Irish be undefeated going into the game with U$C?”
Yes…..my leprechaun loving friends, you most certainly will be.

GEORGIA: How about them Dawgs?

GEORGIA TECH: The Rambling Wreck….
Will be two wins away from winning the Atlantic Coast Conference Title this year…

ARKANSAS: See Kentucky above….

KANSAS STATE: You have to know….
Your football team is in trouble when you dig up a dead football coach and prop him up on the sidelines.
That is just wrong….

IVY LEAGUE: Here we go again……
All you knuckleheads from the Ivy League stop asking me to write “something” about positive your “football” teams and “league”.
Let me break this down for you…..
Your Marching Bands don’t know how to play the “Theme from Shaft”…
They dress like a middle school marching band…and sound worse.
Your Cheerleaders look like they could floss with a number two pencil….
Your football teams couldn’t beat Hoover High School in Alabama….
So shut up and find something to protest….

GREAT COLLEGE FOOTBALL TRADITIONS

MASCOTS and FIGHT SONGS

ST OLAF COLLEGE

When it comes to college fight songs….
Few are more confusing than the inspirational “Um Ya Ya” song from St. Olaf College

“Um Ya Ya”

We come from St Olaf, we sure are the real stuff…
Our team is the cream of the college great
We fight fast and furious, our team is injurious
Tonight Carleton College will sure meet its fate.

Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YA YA YA
Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YA YA YA “

EDITORS NOTE: I am not really sure what they are trying to convey with this fight song or why Olaf is considered a Saint but I do know this song has an awful lot of “Ya’s” in it.
Which is nice….

EARLHAM COLLEGE

Among the student body, the chant sung publicly is…….

“Fight, Fight, Inner Light!
Kill, Quakers, Kill!
Knock ‘em Down, Beat ‘em Senseless!
Do It ’til We Reach Consensus!”
Also:
Fight, Fight, Inner Light!
Kill, Quakers, Kill!
Beat ‘em, Beat ‘em, Knock ‘em Senseless!
Tell Me, Do We Have Consensus?”

Another popular cheer that is sung by the Earlham College Fightin’ Quakers cheerleaders when the opposing team has possession of the ball is:

“Fight exuberantly!
Fight exuberantly!
Compel them to relinquish the ball!”

EDITORS NOTE: If you have to use proper English and big words…
It doesn’t count as a fight song, sorry.

MAINE

The Maine Black Bears have a unique way of celebrating their universities accomplishments through their classic fight song called..

“The Maine Stein Song”

“Fill the steins to dear old Maine!
Shout till the rafters ring!
Stand and drink the toast once again!
Let every loyal Maine Man sing,
Drink to all the happy hours,
Drink to all the careless days!
Drink to Maine, our Alma Mater
The college of our hearts always!”

EDITORS NOTE: No references to storming down the field or turning your opponents into Bear poop…
But it is nice to know that they endorse underage inebriation…..

MINNESOTA

Our favorite Golden Rodents have brought us a timeless fight song…..

“Minnesota Rouser”

“Minnesota, hats off to thee,
To thy colors true we shall be,
Firm and strong, united we are,
RAH! RAH! RAH! RAH! RAH!
Rah for the U of M!”

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t feel bad my dear readers…
This didn’t make any damn sense to me either…

ORAL ROBERTS

At this wonderful institution of learning (and I suppose miraculous healing)
They don’t have “fight songs”; they have “spirit songs”.
Here is just a taste of the awe inspiring Oral Roberts Spirit Song.

“Oh, O-R-U,
Oh, O-R-U,
Oh, O-R-University!
Holy Spirit Blesses,
Seeking out the best,
Of the human trinity,
Ordained by Holy Destiny”

EDITORS NOTE: There is a good lesson here my friends….
If God really cared about what went on in college athletics….
Then Oral Roberts would lose every damn game and Myles Brand would ignite in flames.

AKRON

What in the Hell is a “Zip” anyway?
Does a student dress up in a costume that looks like a punctuation mark?

If you think their “Zippy” mascot is confusing then review their fight song…
“Akron Blue and Gold”

“So, we stand up, cheer and shout,
For the Akron Blue and Gold.
Zzzip! Zip go the Zi- – ips!
Zzzip! Zip go the Zi — ips!
Akron True Gold and blue,
All for you and the Zi- – ips too!”

EDITORS NOTE: I have thoroughly reviewed the Akron Fight Song..
And I have determined that if you actually sing this song in “low-tones” it sounds like you’re repeatedly breaking wind..

HOLY CROSS

You wanted disturbing? I will give you disturbing.

“Maime Reilly”

“Oh, Maime, Maime, Maime Reilly!
Slide Kelly, Slide,
Casey’s at Bat,
Oh Maime Reilly, where’d you get that hat?
Down in Old Kentucky,
Go Cross, Go,
Oh, Maime, Maime, Maime Reilly!”

EDITORS NOTE: Ok, listen closely sports fans….
That really didn’t make any damn sense.

GREAT COLLEGE FOOTBALL TRADITIONS

HOMECOMING

There are few traditions in college football as enjoyable as homecoming….
The crisp feel of fall in the air…..
The Parade before the game….
The University Departments, Fraternity and Sorority Floats…
The Marching bands….
The Majorettes and Cheerleaders….
Students dressed in their finest…..
Seeing old friends and teammates…
Retelling the time worn tales of glories past….

But there is a “right” way and “wrong” way to conduct homecoming.

Case in point….
Enclosed is a picture of a Homecoming Parade on the Beautiful Campus of Boise State.
You will notice floats and vehicles of all makes and models adorned with the Bronco Colors moving at an acceptable pace while the alumni and fans enjoy the procession along the parade route.

This is the “Correct” way to have a Homecoming Parade….

Enclosed is a picture from last years Homecoming Parade at Evergreen State….
The Home of the Geoducks….

In case you were wondering….
College Homecoming Floats are NOT supposed to resemble a Roman Fertility Rite…
Even if your “mascot” is a Geoduck….

The 2009 AP Pre-Season College Football Top 10

I understand your frustration college football fans….
Your team did amazingly well last year and you return 10 starters on offense and defense and you wake up in July to find that your team isn’t even ranked in the pre-season top 25.

It’s a complicated process the AP voters go through that requires examination and explanation.

That’s why I am here…..

Below is the rationale behind the AP voter’s selection of college football teams in the Pre-Season Top 10
I hope this helps…..

1. FLORIDA: The Gators’ defense improved this year by dropping their NFL-caliber players for actual NFL players

2. TEXAS: The Longhorns will employ the strategy of playing it cool and not caring about a championship, which will ultimately win the attention of the BCS pollsters

3. OKLAHOMA: Once again the Sooners make it into the Top Five because someone on the team has an uncle who knows how to operate the BCS computer.

4. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Shows what can happen if you play in a weak conference and don’t play any teams out of conference unless the school in question has the words “academy” or “hair design” in their title.

5. ALABAMA: Young team overflowing with confidence, though preseason boast that their football empire shall rule over all the Earth for a thousand years makes Pollsters uneasy

6. OHIO STATE: Has more experience beating teams in its conference and losing to teams in the SEC than any other squad in recent memory.

7. VIRGINIA TECH: Pollsters feel obligated to move Virginia Tech up to No. 7 in hopes they will play in the FedEx Orange Bowl, as in light of past events, it would have been insensitive to invite them to the Tostitos Unspeakable Tragedy Bowl.

8. PENN STATE: Because Joe Pa will kick your ass, that’s why.

9. LSU: The developing Tigers have set high expectations for themselves this year..
But will fall short of their goal of being undefeated and winning every game by a million points.

10. OLE MISS: [cue banjo music]

TEAMS JUST OUTSIDE THE TOP TEN

BOISE STATE: The Broncos will be able to leap from No. 15 to No. 9, when the Pollsters computer factored in the average start time of their games.

WISCONSIN: Powerful offense; fast, gambling defense; would be ranked higher if it weren’t for the lame “Jump Around” celebration and horribly annoying marching band.

OREGON: Honestly, this one is just space filler

MICHIGAN: Sorry, I meant to say 53rd; I didn’t mean to be an insufferable arrogant jackass about it, the way Michigan fans were back when their team was any good.

BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP

Before we go any further let this be said…..
The Mighty Florida Gators will be playing the Texas Longhorns in Pasadena California for the BCS National Championship….
That is unless ESPN and ABC get involved….
Like they did last year….

PRE SEASON EMAILS QUESTION & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Sir,
I’ve been incarcerated for the last month.
I’m serving a 4 month sentence but the bulls let us look at the internet.
One of the sites that isn’t blocked is YOURS!!!

Well, since I’ve got so much time on my hands I’ve been thinking about some things.
One of the things I was thinking about was how Myles Brand has pancreatic cancer. That’s like a death sentence when you get it.
Well, I had this great idea.
What do you have to do to run for NCAAP president because I’m very interested!
I only got arrested and am doing time for DUI and driving on a suspended license so you could trust me with those millions of dollars.
I’ve got a pretty good lawyer too, so he should be able to give me a LOT better advice than Mr Brands have given him. As a matter of fact, my lawyer told me not to say that I don’t recognize Georgia DUI laws. The judge was pissed about that one.

Well, I’ll just wait for you to fill me in on all the requirements.
Lord knows I’ve got the time for that.

Lemual in Ludowici

A: I doubt very seriously you could do any worse than what we have now….
I support your candidacy Lemual…..
I will get those requirements to you as soon as I can…

Q: Hey there young Man!
I am 87 years young…
And I live at the Sunset Rest Retirement Village here in Tallahassee.
All of us enjoy your college football website and love catching up on all the various stories you write.
When we aren’t reading your column we enjoy the many activities they have for us here.
Most all of us go to the recreation area and exercise while watching “Sweating it Down with Coach Bobby B.” That darn Coach Bowden even talks us through some kind of dance they call “Popping and Locking”, I believe it’s something they call “break dancing”.
Anyway, It’s time for exercise class…..
Thanks Again!
William – Tallahassee, Florida

A: Thank you for the kind letter….
But I feel obligated to say this…
William at your age you don’t want to do any dance with the word “Break” in it…
And as a side note….
“Popping and Locking” may very well lead to “Cracking and Snapping”….

Q: Dear Sir
I am most distressed, as are my colleagues, at your apparent lack of sensitivity and understanding concerning the complexities of governing student athletes and the respective institutions they represent.
As a Professor in Government in one of the most prestigious universities in the world, I feel compelled to extend the hand of knowledge and assist you in your quest for answers.
You must first understand that the NCAA, as well as the NAACP, is concerned first and foremost with education and understanding.
Without a dream you cannot achieve….
Dr. Willis – Harvard, Massachusetts

A: What’ you talkn’ bout Willis?

Q: Mike, Is it true that you are up for some kind of award this year for sports writing?
Is it the coveted Collard Greens Award given out each year by the Agricultural Extension Office in Beautiful Demopolis Alabama?
Barbara – Comanche, Texas

A: Thank you for asking Barbara and for plugging the fine folks at the Agricultural Extension Office in Beautiful Demopolis Alabama.
I will need all the help I can get this year to be considered for their prestigious award.
However…..
I am also up for another little known award in sports writing this year as well….
Due in large part to our current economy owing astronomical amounts of money to the Chinese I am currently eligible for the coveted Beijing Laughing Monkey Award in Sports Writing.
Which is nice….

Q: Mike, is there a difference between a Georgia Tech cheerleader and a pig?
Stan – Athens, Georgia

A: Yes there is Stan:
Midnight blue eye shadow, lip gloss and black and gold painted toe nails.

Q: Dear Sir,

I am a huuuuuuuge Flarda fan as you may know by some letters I wrote to you a couple of weeks ago.
I just read in the paper where they made Clempson skip a couple of practices because they was wearing some kind of girdle things instead of regular shorts to practice in.
I was just thinking, if they can do that, can they take away some of our wins if we keep wearing our blue jean short Daisy Dukes? I hope not.
Those things are just so comfortable.
I mean the fastest way to a man’s mullet is through our jeans shorts!!!
Have a great Gator day, ya’ll!!!

Tracey in Homassassa

A: Tracey are you sure you don’t live in Baneberry Tennessee?
Just asking….

Q: Dear Sir
Many like minded people, like me were most upset with your latest article concerning having an “Invocation” before a college football game.
You simply don’t understand the basis of why this isn’t acceptable any longer.
Having an Invocation before a college football game may make some people feel uncomfortable; that is why it’s against the law.
Do you understand?
Regina – Los Angeles, California

A: Well Regina….
People farting in an elevator make me feel “uncomfortable”…
So why don’t we make that against the damn law too?

Q: My name Ding Dung and I son of Anh Dung write you last week.
You no make the fun of my father, he no joke about Navy mascot!
NCAA need to change Navy Academy Goat mascot, it look too much like Ho Chi Minh!
Communism bad!
Here we have QVC channel and Nagahide couches!

I also remind honorable father that Academy Air Force mascot need change too.
Falcon bird look like fighter bomber, make us feel bad all over again.
Air Force drop many bombs on Vietnam and make us run very fast when they fly in, just like falcon mascot.
Ding Dung – San Francisco, California

PS: My sister want NCAA address too.
She want Army Academy mascot change.
Army mule look like honorable grandmother. Hurt too much to look at.

A: When I read “Ding Dung”…I immediately thought…”Who’s there?”

EDITORS NOTE: Who says I don’t have international appeal?

Q: Mike, I have a question for you….
Where can you find lingerie for a pig?
Mindy – La Grange, Georgia

A: Fredericks of Auburn

Q: Mike, Who do you think will take the coveted Ivy League crown this year?
Will it be Harvard, Princeton or Yale?
Thanks!
Chip – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: Actually I think…..
You are all a bunch of rich Yankee jackasses and I hope you all lose.
Does that answer your question?

Q: Dude you are being to hard on the boys from Southern California!
You need to let it go over Brother Reggie!
Southern California Rules!
Can’t you figure that out by now?
Jerri – Temecula, California

A: I tell you what I do have figured out…
You can’t spell “Scandal” without the SC……
And you can’t spell Sucks without the USC….

Only 20 days left until kickoff…
Your first week’s picks are right around the corner…

More next week, so stay tuned……

Before I forget….
Congratulations to the Families of Derrick Thomas and Bullet Bob Hayes….
It’s about damn time…..

RTR
MEB

You read that correctly….
The 2009 Heisman Trophy Winner….

Let me give you a quick glimpse this Monday…..
Into the upcoming edition of the 2009 College Football Preseason Extravaganza…

There was no justice north of the Red River last season…
or he would have been the 2008 recipient of the award.
Certainly going into another brutal season there are a lot of “If’s”….

But that aside….

Enjoy the brief commercial staring….
My pre-season choice for the 2009 Heisman Trophy….

When he was a young quarterback in High School…
Before he became a household name…

He is the Real McCoy….
Believe it…

Click here to view the embedded video.

RTR
MEB

They remember everything…
Forever…

Florida Gator fans will tell you they were the 1984 Southeastern Conference Champions, and it doesn’t make any difference to them what the NCAA has to say about it…

Michigan fans won’t let the Buckeyes forget the John Cooper era…

Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket fans won’t let Georgia forget last year…

And none of us…
Have forgotten about the NCAA “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans.

But the “I’ve Still Got the Red Ass from 2008 Award” goes too…

The Mighty Texas Longhorn Fans….

They will never forget the 2008 Red River Shootout against Oklahoma and the subsequent snub by the BCS committee for a shot at the National Title….

I know because I have heard about it at least ten times a week since December of 2008.

Longhorn fans are still angry, and rightly so….
They are mad with the BCS Committee or the “BS” Committee as it is known in most Texas Longhorn social circles…

And the Oklahoma Sooners…

So in Honor of this Rivalry and heart felt Grudge….
I present the following…

Evidence that none of us ever really “get over it….”

Click here to view the embedded video.

We may hear from Hootie Snitch later this week…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

From the “We are Drunk with Power” File…

The dictatorship of the NCAA will not allow an “exception” to one of their many rules to help a little girl fighting cancer.

You read that correctly…

The unprecedented Lauren’s First and Goal Football Camp, which took place this past Sunday at Lafayette College in Easton, Pa. The unprecedented Lauren’s First and Goal Football Camp, which took place this past Sunday at Lafayette College in Easton, Pa., breaks the mold. According to the NCAA, the one-day event is the largest in the country and draws more than 1,700 prospects and close to 300 college coaches from 100-plus schools. From Boston College and Rutgers to Asa Junior College and Moravian, hundreds of coaches voluntarily drive to Easton and give up a day for a little girl named Lauren Loose.

Lauren Loose is the daughter of Lafayette defensive coordinator John Loose and his wife Marianne.

She was diagnosed with Neurofibromatosis, Moyamoya disease and Evan’s Syndrome at nine months old. Lauren has battled brain and spinal cord tumors all her little life.

Her parents felt helpless as people often do in these circumstances….
Marianne said, “We just felt like we needed to do something,” Marianne said. “When someone tells you your child has cancer, you feel like you lose all control. This is our chance to do something cathartic and take back some of the control.” Shortly after attending a motorcycle ride sponsored by the Pediatric Brian Tumor Foundation of the United States, the answer dawned on them.

“I was working a camp at the University of Michigan,” John said. “There were so many coaches and kids there, and I thought maybe I could do a camp like that for one day and raise a bunch of money for charity. I ran it by some guys at the [American Football Coaches Association] and every one of them said immediately that they were in.”

Since its humble beginning, the camp has grown exponentially, raising more than $750,000 for the Lauren’s First and Goal Foundation, a 501c3 charitable organization created in 2004 to support pediatric brain tumor research and provide pediatric cancer services and financial assistance to families living with a pediatric cancer diagnosis.

The camp’s success isn’t lost on the unquestioned star of the show. “It’s very cool that all of these people come and donate the money,” Lauren said. “I really can’t believe it, it is so generous of them and makes me feel special.”

Despite Lauren’s gratitude….”I have to thank my parents for all of the time they put in,” she said. “They work like dogs all day.”….
As well as the success of the camp this year will bring changes

Recent NCAA restrictions limit the amount of time D-I coaches can spend working at summer camps. The new rule, designed to give coaches a reprieve from the abundance of camps nationwide, restricts D-I coaches to only work at camps during two university-designated 15-day periods, one in June and one in July.

The rule benefits coaches who felt compelled to attend every camp for fear of missing out on an elite prospect. In the arms race that is college football recruiting, no coach wants to hurt his chances of landing a star simply for declining a camp invite, but the camp circuit can have a significant impact on a coach’s already full schedule.

But there’s a down side to the new rule, too: It would prevent coaches who hosted their own camps during the permissible timeframe from attending Lauren’s First and Goal, which takes place the first Sunday in June.

Mercifully, the NCAA has granted Lauren’s First and Goal a one-year exemption from the new rule. Many are concerned, however, that absent another adjustment the restrictions will negatively impact the camp moving forward.

“This epitomizes college coaches coming together for something good,” said Pitt assistant coach Brian Angelichio. “Every person here volunteers with no personal agendas whatsoever.”

Another coach from a BCS school, who wished to remain anonymous, echoed that sentiment. “The NCAA would be absolutely crazy not to ‘grandfather’ this camp,” he said. “We have been coming here well before the rule was put into place.”

The NCAA…..
However, remains wary of exemptions and exceptions because of the precedent they create. If it provides an exemption for this charity camp, it’s possible questionably motivated 501c3-designated camps will crop up across the country in an effort to exploit the charity loophole.

EDITORS NOTE: So, rather than help anyone we are going to “exploit” a charity to better our teams.
Who do they think we are Southern California?

Lauren, for her part, remains oblivious to the NCAA situation. After recent surgery to remove a tumor from her spinal cord, Lauren suffered a stroke that required additional surgery to transplant blood vessels from her scalp to her brain. She’s got too much on her plate to worry about the bureaucratic dealings unfolding around her. She’s only worried about one thing.

“Spread the word about the camp so more people come here and donate money,” Lauren said. “Every time they come here, it helps

EDITORS COMMENTARY: My immediate question when this news broke…
How does this event really give one program an “unfair” advantage over another?

It doesn’t that’s the point…

Is the NCAA afraid that “mighty” Lafayette College will challenge the University of Southern California for supremacy?

Or is the NCAA a dictatorship ran by self-serving heartless bastards?

I vote for the latter.

How much more are we going to take?

It is time for the universities and colleges that are forced to be in the NCAA to take their leave and secede from this tyrannical rule.

Now……

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TRADITIONS

MASCOTS…..

Let’s take a moment to lower our blood pressure from the earlier article and discuss college football mascots…

You are probably wondering what constitutes a mascot.

There are only three rules to this….

First…
It has to be Live…
You can have a student in a foam rubber copy of the mascot running around the stadium, but you have to have a live mascot representing your team. Period.

Case in point…..
The Air Force Academy has a Falcon…
Colorado has a Buffalo…
But there is no mascot in college football that is scarier or intimidates opponents quite like Mike the Tiger at LSU.

They place Mike’s cage outside the visitor’s locker room and you have to run by him to get to the field.
Let me tell you this, running by that big cat will make you want to wet your pants.
And..”No” I don’t want to talk about it.

NOTED EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE:

MICHIGAN STATE: I know it would be difficult in finding a “Spartan” today, unless you built a time machine, but at least give your mascot a better nickname than “Sparty”.

It sounds like a gay fireman.

SAN DIEGOS STATE: Please see Michigan State above and substitute “Spartan” with “Aztec” and substitute “gay fireman” with “Elton John’s dream date”.

EDITORS NOTE: For those interested in a “Time Machine”…
Please contact Notre Dame; I understand they are working diligently to find a way to bring back Knute Rockne.

Second….

The mascot should represent the culture of your university, team, and state.

Case in Point….
Oklahoma has the Boomer Sooner…
Auburn has the War Eagle….
Florida has a live Alligator…
But No mascot in college football represents the culture and climate of a state and team like BEVO for the University of Texas Longhorns.

I don’t care who you are….
BEVO is just cool

NOTED EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE:

CENTRAL MICHIGAN: I am not sure why you wanted to name your team after an infected mole, maybe there is a medical school close by.
But please don’t have a kid run around in a foam rubber “Chippewa’s” costume…
It would be disgusting…

THE NCAA: The mascot for this “volunteer” “non-profit” organization is simply incorrect.
It should reflect its culture, team and state of mind.

My suggestion?

The mascot should have a rat like face, with the eyes and ears of a bat and they should be called “The arrogant power hungry bastards”
I even have the perfect mascot for them…

Third….
It’s none of the NCAA’s damn business what a university names its mascot.

The mascot and nickname of a particular university is the business of the university, state and alumni, not some overzealous pin head’s business in Indianapolis.

Case in point….

WILLIAM and MARY: As we have noted in the past the Nazis at the NCAA forced the administration of William and Mary to change their nickname and mascot because “they” felt the term “Tribe” was raciest and demeaning.

So this week the administration, alumni and students are “voting” on a replacement and it looks like the early favorite is the “Fighting Asparagus.”

One can only hope the university administration isn’t forced to change that mascot as well because that particular vegetable caused a rash on some idiot staffer at the headquarters in Indianapolis.

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t care if you name your team “The Short White Fighting Honky’s with Bad Credit” and have two crossed double-wide trailers on your helmet.

I don’t care.

So I would suggest the rest of you idiots that wake up every morning looking for a reason to be “offended” or have your “little feelings” hurt, just get the hell over it.

LASTLY…..
You may have noticed that I excluded mascots from northern schools in our discussion.

There is a reason for that…
Despite living ten miles from the Arctic Circle Youngstown State doesn’t have a live penguin for a mascot?

Wisconsin doesn’t have a live badger….

Penn State doesn’t have a live Lion….
That is unless you count Jo Pa…

But there is an exception to the rule and it does need to be mentioned here.

Even though the University of Michigan doesn’t have a “live” Wolverine, they do in “fact” have a very scary mascot that frightens little children as well as adults.

Beware…
Looking at Coach Rod’s wife…
Will cause your watch to lose time, your eyes to cross and your pets to stand on their hind legs and howl.

Only 69 days until kickoff…

Have a great weekend…

RTR
MEB

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator is Back!

Before we catch up on lost times…..
I want to thank you all for your kind words in response to my article about Charlie.

I cannot begin to tell you how good it was to see him when I returned.
Simply put: Charlie is “The Man”.

I also want to thank you for your emails and all the prayers while I was deployed.

I greatly appreciate it and will never forget your kindness.

We have a lot to catch up on my friends, so let’s get started.
In case you were wondering, I missed you all too.

Enjoy your update!

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS (REWIND)

 At my age it’s comforting to know that some things don’t change…..
For example…
Coach Rod’s wife still looks like a ten dollar hooker and Kenny Chesney is still the Elton John of country music (Minus the classic music and talent). But there will always be those events that shock and amaze you and not always in a good way.
So, forgive me as we look back at the 2008 college football season and then catch up on a few email questions and answers. 

THE GOOD

FLORIDA: As the Mighty Gator Nation “may” recall….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator picked you to win the BCS Championship back on August 9^th.

EDITORS NOTE: No need to thank me, it’s what I do.

ALABAMA: An undefeated regular season….I didn’t see that one coming.

EDITORS NOTE: But I enjoyed it (immensely) from afar.

NEBRASKA: I told you Coach Bo would bring the Huskers back….
Congratulations on a winning season and bowl victory.

EDITORS NOTE: There are a lot more wins to come, believe me Husker Fans.

PENN STATE: Congratulations on the Big Eleven…I mean Ten Championship.

EDITORS NOTE: Glad you are feeling better Joe, we missed you on the sidelines.

CLEMSON: As I recall, the last time the Tigers had a former Alabama player as a Coach you won the National Championship.

Congratulations on a great choice.

OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes will be stronger this year than ever. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Yes, before you ask; that also means another win over Michigan.

FLORIDA STATE: GREAT NEWS! Coach Bobby has agreed to be cryogenically frozen and coach from the comfort of his liquid nitrogen encased stainless steel container through the year 2120!

 GEORGIA: How Bout them DAWGS!

THE BAD

UTAH: When I am wrong, I admit it.

I picked the Ute’s last year in the “Pre Season Extravaganza” as…

“Pretenders”….

I couldn’t have been more wrong……

EDITORS NOTE: I know what a “Ute” is now.
It’s something that ruined my Sugar fix on 2 January 2009.

TEXAS: Great season and a tremendous Bowl win….
But let me put this gently….

Between the Heisman Ceremony and the BCS Committee..
You all must feel like Jodie Foster in “The Accused”

 The Longhorns should have been playing the Mighty Gators….

OREGON STATE: Damn It

MISSISSIPPI STATE: I hate Coach Croom left…I really do.

MICHIGAN: You had a chance to get Les Miles, but you all wouldn’t listen to me.
The Wolverines misery won’t end with 2008…Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: I bet you all thought I was going to say something about Coach Rod’s wife, didn’t you.

 That will come later in the week….

TEXAS A&M: I still have R.C. Slocum’s cell phone number; you want it?

OKLAHOMA: Losing two games in a season would warrant raises and parades in most places.
But Norman Oklahoma isn’t “most” places.
The Sooner’s better crank it up a notch or two…

The natives are getting restless….

THE UGLY

NCAA: SOOOoooooooooooooooo

You have the time and resources to investigate everybody from the University of New Mexico to Florida State, but you can’t seem to find Reggie Bush’s Momma’s address?

 So just tell us this….

Who have you sold out to?
Was it the ABC network and ESPN?

That 350 Million dollar contract to broadcast PAC 10 football games lined your pockets nicely…..

Was it Adidas?
They really know how to reward an organization for keeping their “Star” endorsement out of trouble.

Or is it that the NCAA is just that corrupt and blind in its favoritism?

Enquiring minds want to know….

EDITORS NOTE: Just for the record, “No”, I will not give this up until I take my last dying breath.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously, shouldn’t you all be on probation by now?

TENNESSEE: So Fat Phil renegotiated his contract with a “healthy” buy out clause months before he gets canned….How convenient.

EDITORS NOTE: I want to thank the administration and the athletic department at the University of Tennessee…
For hiring a new football coach that is easy to make fun of.

NOTRE DAME: On the subject of “healthy” contract buyouts…
Unless the Irish purchase Fort Knox they won’t get Uncle Charlie out of South Bend anytime soon.

 AUBURN: So “Ears” Tubberville took flight and took his high finger salute with him.

 Don’t let the door knob hit you on the back of the head on the way out the door…

 EDITORS NOTE: No wait, that joke was intended for Terry Bowden…
Never mind, it’s still funny.

PAC 10 Conference: Is “Choke” the Official Drink of your Conference?
Just wondering…….

 BCS Committee: As a Safety Tip: You all may not want to vacation in Texas anytime in the foreseeable future.

EMAIL Q&A

 Q: Mike “Welcome back Dude!” Hey I have to ask….
Did you see anything crazy during Mardi Gras when you were in the Middle East? Thanks and Welcome Back!
Trey – Baton Rouge, Louisiana

 A: Thanks Trey; and I know what you really want to know.
Mardi Gras in the Middle East has plenty of T & A……Toes and Ankles.

 Q: Mike, my family and I LOVE the television game show “Jeopardy”!
We watch it religiously!
My question is: Why isn’t there a program on television for college football with the format of Jeopardy?
I think it would be AWESOME!
What do you think?
The Kowalski Family – Madison, Wisconsin

 A: My powers of Prognostication do not extend to programs such as Jeopardy.
Case in point…..
I remember the last time I saw “Jeopardy”.
Alex said:”A Rhino, a Unicorn and Chuck Mangione.”

I would have said….”Three things I don’t want drunk and loose in my house”
See what I mean?

Q: I read something about a Tennessee football player suing a large food manufacture?
Do you have any information on that and by the way welcome home.
Stan – Athens, Georgia

A: Thanks Stan, I appreciate it.
It’s true; a “number” of Tennessee football players are involved in a “class” action lawsuit against Banquet Food Corporation for “False Advertisement”.

It seems their complaint is specifically against the “Banquet Pot Pie”.
The Tennessee football players cited…
 “They were hard to light and didn’t give us the buzz we were expecting”.

Q: Mike we are all really excited here in Minnesota about the upcoming 2009 College Football Season! Go Gophers!
The students here are trying to come up with a new catch phrase to get people excited about our state and Golden Gopher football in 2009!
Do you have any ideas that may help us out?
Thanks!
Tiffany – Saint Paul, Minnesota

A: How does this grab you….
“Ever Vigilant Minnesota: Keeping Canada at bay since 1873”

Q: Mike I have a simple question.
Why the hell didn’t Colt McCoy win the Heisman trophy last year?
Troy – Bangs, Texas 

A: Good question Troy and I have a simple answer for you.
The Heisman Trophy ceremony is televised by ESPN, which is owned by ABC.
ABC televised the BCS Championship last year.
How did they start promoting the game before the Heisman Trophy was awarded?

The first game between “two” Heisman Trophy winners….
See where this is going? Glad I could help.

Q: Mike where has Hootie Snitch been since you have been deployed?
We were looking forward (in a weird kind of way) to his updates in your absence.
Was he deployed on the Global War on Terror Too?
Dave – Little Creek, Virginia

A: I guess you could say Hootie was “technically” deployed.
By “deployed” I mean ordered to the county work farm after he was convicted of stalking the select committee at the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum.

If nothing else he is determined to get his mamma on the ballot for the 2009 inductees.
Hootie will be released back into the wild (appropriately) on April 1^st.

 If you get a chance, cast your ballot for Rowena Ratt Snitch at…..

 http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org/

Tell them Phil Fulmer sent you…..

Q: Mike, I just have to ask…
Are you going to write a book about your adventures?
Thanks!
Holly – Biloxi, Mississippi

A: Thank you for asking Holly.
I am in the process of writing a historical biography.

“It Sucks to be You” – The Genghis Khan Story

Q: Mike in all your world travels,…
Is there anything that you want to share with us that could broaden our horizons…
and possibly enrich our lives on planet earth?
Salantra – Pasadena, California

A: Note to self: Never put Chap Stick on in the men’s room of a bad ass biker bar.

 It sends the wrong message – that’s all I’m saying.

Q: Mike I have a question that has bothered me for some time.
Should we really be involved in the toppling of dictators and the crushing of evil empires?
James – Cave City, Kentucky

A: I believe if we want to fight tyranny….
and dispose of a dictator and an evil regime….
 We should start with Miles Brand and the NCAA in Indianapolis Indiana.

College Football News and Views will be out later in the week.

Have a GREAT Week….

 RTR

MEB

What a Weekend it was…..
And for me this picture says it all……

But it is time for me to leave you all for a while…..

Before I do let’s talk about yesterday….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 34 and 12 or 74% for Week 9…..

For my short season I finished at 341 and 98 or a rather respectable 78% overall…
Not too bad if I say so myself….

It has been a pleasure bringing you all the College Football Picks this year….
Thank you for reading and commenting….

I hope you got a kick out of them.

Before I take my leave……
I have written something else for you……

It’s about a good friend of mine….

Enjoy…..

RTR
MEB

It all comes down to this……..

The one Saturday that has been marked on your calendars since last spring…..

This Saturday……

Is “The Third Saturday in October”…..

This Saturday…….

Jo Pa visits the Big Horseshoe….

This Saturday…….

The Dawgs of Georgia travel to Death Valley to take on the Fightn’ Tigers…

This Saturday…….

The Wolverines and Spartans do battle in Michigan…..

And….
This Saturday…….

The University of Southern California plays “another” Assisted Living Facility in the Pac 10!

It’s a Big Weekend of College Football….
So let’s get to it…

Enjoy Your Picks!

College Football NEWS and VIEWS

ABC COLLEGE FOOTBALL (Opening): We get it…..
ABC…ESPN….Disney..etc…etc…
ALSO owns the record company that promotes Kenny Chesney…
Which explains the “opening” segment of him singing his “new” song….

The “opening” segment couldn’t be any Gayer if George Michael and Sigfried and Roy were singing ” It’s Raining Men…”

EDITORS NOTE: ALSO……
I really don’t want to hear a gay man singing about having a “Wild Ride”…
It’s disgusting….

CBS COLLEGE FOOTBALL: Can you believe it…..
The “Commentators” with CBS were actually saying “Southern California was scoring style points by beating Washington State” by 70 points….

Style Points?

Washington State is 1 and 7….
Their ONLY win coming against Portland State……
And….
YOU want to talk about “Style Points”?

Isn’t that just a new name for “Bad Sportsmanship”?

TEXAS: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

LOU HOLTZ: By now you have all heard about what Lou said on the ESPN College Football studio program…

He used a “Hitler” reference last weekend when giving a description about leadership and discussing “Good” and “Bad” leadership…..

Coach Lou was forced to apologize on National Television….
ask for forgiveness…..
and generally beg on national television to keep his job…

COMMENTARY: I am sick of this damn crap….

NOBODY on the planet enjoys picking on Lou more than I do….
I think he looks like a Granny from “The Beverly Hillbillies”….
I think he sounds like Slyvester the Cat after dollar beer night at the Bowling Alley…
I believe he may be a 150 pound Tom Turkey…

BUT he didn’t SAY a damn thing wrong….
There isn’t a DAMN thing in the Constitution of the United States that “Gives you the right to be Offended”

If you are that big a damn Wussy and searching the planet for something to offend you….
Look no further than right here…dumbass.

BIG 12 HEISMAN: This year the Heisman Trophy will belong to the Big 12….
It may be Texas Tech….
Could be Oklahoma….
Might be MO’S TIGERS….
BUT….
It WILL be in Austin Texas…..
Believe it….

FLORIDA: Just for the Record….
The Mighty Gators of Florida won the 1984 Southeastern Conference Championship….

Period….

EDITORS NOTE: In case you didn’t know by now….
Yes, I can carry a grudge….

PENN STATE: All I heard before the season started….
“Jo Pa has Lost control of the team…..”
Then…..
“The game has passed Jo Pa…”

Hell……
This past week I even spoke with a guy that “claimed” to be an Alumni of Penn State and he said….
“Jo Pa has GOT to Go!……It’s Time!”

Then he admitted that “He didn’t really watch football……”
EDITORS NOTE: It is my belief….
That the guy I spoke with is either lying about going to Penn State or he is a communist..

However, it is also my belief that the extreme cold of living that close to the Arctic Circle causes permanent brain freeze….

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE: We are still waiting to hear what you are going to do with the “Full-Contact” referee from the South Carolina – LSU Game?

EDITORS NOTE: Please don’t ask if I will forget all about it…..
You know better than that….

WISCONSIN: FOUR in a DAMN Row?
How can you cheese-heads lose FOUR in a DAMN ROW?

You are killing my average….
You know that right?

NAVY: SOOOooooo I pick you to “Win”….
YOU lose….

I pick you to “Lose”…
YOU win….

Why can’t we all just get along?

ARMY: Please see “Navy” above….

COMMERCIALS: What is the deal with Dr. Pepper?

Are athletes that haven’t been on television in over 25 years suppose to make us drink “More” Dr. Pepper?

Maybe showing an out of work actor from a 20 year old situational comedy will do the trick?

Are you all stupid or just out of touch?

STOP IT!….It’s annoying.

COMMERCIALS (PART II): I could not believe my own ears…..

Last week on ESPN College GameDay here were the order of commercials during the first hour….

First…
“Subway”…The Five Dollar Foot-long commercial complete with the catchy theme music…

Second….
“Viagra”…The “Viva Viagra” commercial complete with the catchy theme music…

Third…
“Male Enhancement”…You guessed it…
Complete with some catchy theme music….

This subliminal messaging thing has gotten out of control…..

MICHIGAN STATE: The Spartans have a chance for glory this weekend….

Take advantage of it…..

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously…..
Are you guys STILL not on probation?

AFTER….
ALL the Reggie Bush $$$$$$$$ while he was still in school?

EVEN…
AFTER all that?

AND….
Reggie Bush’s Momma’s and Daddy’s house?

Really?……

Where did the NCAA get YOUR investigators?

Aruba?

NATIONAL SPORTS MEDIA: I loved last weeks slobber fest between the Media and the $outhern California Trojan$…..
 They tried to make the thrashing of the Washington State Cougars sound like the Trojan$ just beat the Klingons for Interstellar Domination….

ESPN: Did anyone have the misfortune of hearing the ESPN crew calling the Georgia Tech – Clemson game last Saturday?

I won’t rehash the level of stupidity between those two idiots….
There is no point in it…

But let me just say this….

The “Dumbass Twins” of Andre Ware and David Pasch….

Put the DUMB….

IN….

ASS…..

ESPN (PART II): Still no word about the Reggie Bush and Southern California Trojan Investigation?

Really?

You know I am going to KEEP doing this?
Right?

NCAA: You all have more TOOLS……than Lowes and Home Depot combined.

A BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY….
To THE Voice of COLLEGE Football…

MR. KEITH JACKSON…..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY and Whoa NELLY!

EMAIL Questions and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, you heard anything else about that invasion into Georgia?
Me and the Misses is in the Storm Shelter…
We thought we heard tanks the other day..
But it was just the garbage truck…
Is it safe to come out yet?
Carl and Joyce – Salem, Alabama
A: You two are Auburn Fans…Right?
Then I would stay in the storm shelter at least until Coach “Ears” Tommy gets his arrogant head out of his posterior…

Q: Dude, seriously….
Could the ABC College Football pregame with Kenny Chesney be any more gay?
Jim – Fort Collins, Colorado
A: No it couldn’t Jim….

Q: YOU is innorant as Hell!
They way you a bashing Coach Fulmers and them Vols, you sond like a hater!
As far as I concern…
You ain’t no better than Randall Hitler!
Porkchop – Big Lick, Tennessee
A: I am confused….
While studying at the University of Tennessee…
Were you a History or English major?

Q: Mike, can help us settle a bet we have at work?
Is it true that Carolina Gamecock Quarterback Chris Smelly almost went to Arkansas?
IF it is true…
Why didn’t he go to Arkansas?
Thanks!
The Boys from Carolina – Columbia, South Carolina
A: The Answer to your question is “Yes”…..
Chris Smelly “almost” went to Arkansas instead of South Carolina….
Why didn’t he?
I think he was afraid of how it might sound being in front of Casey Dick on the depth chart…

It just wouldn’t be right….

Q: Mike, when you aren’t writing what do you enjoy doing?
Just wondering!
Thanks!
Holly – Biloxi, Mississippi
A: Thanks for asking Holly….
I enjoy long walks on the Beach…
and poking dead things with a stick….

Q: Mike we are studying American Indians in school!
What would you say your American Indian name would be?
Thanks a lot!
Sharon – Victoria, Texas
A: Good question Sharon…..
I would have to say….
“Runs with Beer….”

Q: Mike, Why did you call the “Big” Tennessee Volunteer booster John Thornton “Thunder Lips”?
Is that his nickname?
Thanks!
Shelly – Nashville, Tennessee
A: That ”IS” his nickname Shelly….
But you don’t want to know HOW he got it…

But let me say this…

If you ever watch him eat a corndog..
He makes Kenny Chesney look completely Heterosexual….

THE GAMES

Saturday October 25th

Alabama at Tennessee
This is Democrats and Republicans…
Cowboys and Indians….
Oil and Water….
Except it’s worse…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-17

Texas Tech at Kansas
The folks from Kansas haven’t seen this many fast moving Raiders since the James Boys…
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 38-24

Valdosta State at North Alabama
The Boys from “Upper” Bama have overcome an early season slip…..
AND…
These Big Cats are hungry….
LIONS 33-17

Boston College at North Carolina
I have a question?
Is “Disco Inferno” south of Miami?
Just wondering…
Never mind…
TAR HEELS 27-23

EDITORS NOTE: You hear that song in your head now….
Don’t you?

Wake Forest at Miami (FL)
I think it is still Hurricane Season until the first of November…
So Enough said….
HURRICANES 23-17

 
Eastern Michigan at Ball State
Honestly….
I would rather hear “Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting”…
Than “Disco Inferno..”
But that’s just me…
CARDINALS 28-24

Cincinnati at Connecticut
The Queen City is known for it’s Chilli….
Goldstar….
Skyline….
So what is Co-Net-I-cutt known for?
My point exactly….
BEARKATS 24-20

Northwestern at Indiana
Since the Folks from Hoosier-ville refused my offer to have Jim Nabors sponsor the team for a year….
I just can’t pull for them any longer….
I CANNOT believe you didn’t want to be called the “Gomers!”

SHAZAM! Would have made for a great entrance….
WILDCATS 24-14

Illinois at Wisconsin
It’s too close to Halloween to go against….
ZOOKS FIGHTN PUMPKINS

 
Minnesota at Purdue
Have you seen the Purdue Mascot “Purdue Pete”?
That damn thing’s head is almost as big as Wynonna Judd’s!
Notice I said….”almost”.
Oooo SO GOLDEN GOPHERS 23-21

Oklahoma at Kansas State
The Wildcats will keep it close….
Until they hear…”And the Rockets Red Glare….”
Then they will be down by two touchdowns…
BOOMER SOONERS 44-17

Kentucky at Florida
My Beloved Big Blue Fans….
I wish I had better news for you….
MIGHTY GATORS 38-14

Carson Newman at Brevard College
I knew a rich kid once named Brevard…
He was the only child….
His momma and daddy got him a pet monkey for his birthday….
That damn thing got out and pooped all over the house and tore the curtians off the walls….
It was funny as hell…
You know something?
I almost feel guilty about letting that thing out of it’s cage..
SPARKS EAGLES 34-24

Baylor at Nebraska
Have I mentioned that the Baylor School of Medicine is one of the finest medical schools in the country?
I know it doesn’t really fit here…
But I always like to have something positive say before a team gets an ass whippin…
CORNHUSKERS 33-13

Georgia at LSU
No Upset Special….
This is just how it is…..
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS! 24-21

Louisiana Tech at Army
Vince Dooley’s son is the Head Coach of Tech….
That’s good enough for me….
BULLDOGS 27-10

UNLV at Brigham Young
I bet the folks from Vegas that travel to the game in Provo think they are in HELL…..
COUGARS 38-17

Anderson at Defiance
What are they “defying” and why?
Just wondering….

Duke at Vanderbilt
I love it when smart kids fight….
It’s sooooo cute.
COMMODORES 27-23

Fresno State at Utah State
I know it doesn’t fit here…
But have you ever thought…
That Waffle House is too Southerners…
What Starbucks is too yankees?

Just a thought…
BULLDOGS 34-17

Rice at Tulane
Anytime I hear “Green Wave…”
I think the toilet has over flowed…
OWLS 24-14

Oklahoma State at Texas
How can you go against a Quarterback named after my favorite firearm manufacturer?
YOU can’t….
THAT’S MY POINT!
LONGHORNS 38-24

Virginia Tech at Florida State
This past week Coach Bobby was asked what he thought about Tommy getting fired…
He said…
“Thomas Edison was the smartest kid in my class…It doesn’t surprise me that he invented fire..”

It’s sad really…..
NOLES 27-23

South Florida at Louisville
YOU can take this one to the bank….
And that is…
NO BULL 27-17

Michigan State at Michigan
Yes…
It’s true…
This past week I called a “certain”  Wolverine Coach…
And left him a message…
“The Garden Club called and they want their Ho Back…”

He immedately sent his wife to Ace Hardware….
(I don’t believe he gets it…)
SPARTANS 33-17

Rutgers at Pittsburg
I would watch this game…..
But…
The History of Toast is on the Food Channel…..
PANTHERS 17-10

UCLA at California
I wonder if “Disco Fever” and…
“Boogie Fever” are the same thing?

Never mind…
BEARS 3-2

Virginia at Georgia Tech
The only thing going for Tech is the “Varsity”….
Which is across the street….
So technically they don’t have anything going for them…
YELLOW JACKETS 6-3

North Carolina State at Maryland
I will not doubt the power of the Ninja Turtles (again..)
Especially if Pizza is involved…
NINJA TURTLES 28-17

Southern Methodist at Navy
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!
Saddle Up Boys!
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-31

Quachita Baptist at Southwest Baptist
There will be alot of Baptist fighting in this one…
BUT…
There better not be any dancing!
BAPTIST 23-21

New Mexico State at Idaho
I wonder if “Ida” had a sister named “Ima”…
The she would be Ima…
Never mind…
AGGIES 31-10

Wyoming at Texas Christian
The Cowboys can’t ride these Horned Frogs…
Trust me..
They just can’t…
HORNED FROGS 34-10

Colorado at Missouri
Last week MO understood the meaning of a Texas Beat Down….
This week….
MO KNOWS Football (again…)
MO’S TIGERS 38-34

Mississippi at Arkansas
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt….
Sometimes you don’t…
This week I do…
REBELS 27-24

Dixie State at Azusa Pacific
You had me at “Dixie”….
GIVE EM HELL!

Texas A&M at Iowa State
I am not a fan of the “new” Aggie Coaching Staff….
But the “Aggie War Hymn” is motivating as hell….
Enough said….
GIG EM AGGIES 27-17

MTSU at Mississippi State
“M.T.S.U.” sounds like an ingredient in dog food….
That’s good enough for me…
BULLDOGS 23-17

Penn State at Ohio State
Jo Pa has not won a game in the Big Horseshoe since the Lions joined the Big Ten…er…Eleven Conference.
That trend continues Saturday Night…
Believe it…
BUCKEYES 23-20

Southern Miss at Memphis
Just for the record….
I still miss Coach Jeff Bower…
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-20

Notre Dame at Washington
Does it “really” matter?
Of course not…..
FIGHTING IRISH 33-10

Colorado State at San Diego State
I would watch this game….
But I am going to watch Mike Tyson try to solve the “Soul Train Scramble Board”…
In case you were wondering…
The show is scheduled for three hours…
RAMS 23-20

Southern California at Arizona
YIPPPPPPPPEEEE!!!!
ANOTHER “Classic” matchup in the PAC 10!
HOW Bout those STYLE Points!
TROJAN$ 138-0

Sunday October 26th

Central Florida at Tulsa
What do we have here….
Golden Knights and Golden Hurricanes….
Sounds like Kenny Chesney’s Birthday Party…
GOLDEN HURRICANES 38-17

EDITORS NOTE: Sorry…that was just wrong.

Nevada at Hawaii
Seeing this game scheduled for Sunday Night….
Makes me wish “Dog the Bounty Hunter” was on Sunday Nights too….
But sometimes…
I just wish for too much…
WARRIORS Pop’n and Lock’n on RAINBOWS 34-31

Enjoy Your games!

RTR
MEB

POST GAME…..

Please Check back this Sunday….

I am afraid this is going to be a short season for me….

RTR
MEB

As you may (or may not…)
know…….

Last week I was 33 and 13 or a “Not so Impressive” 72%…

Which Leaves me at 307 and 86 (78%) for the season…

AND…..

With an “Unofficial” 2009 Texas Governor’s Campaign.

I KNOW….
I picked those Horned Frogs from Texas Christian over BYU….

I picked the Houston Cougars to win the Conference USA Championship…

I said the Red Raiders of Texas Tech would be a force to be reckoned with….

And YES….

I picked the Mighty Texas Longhorns to not only defeat the Oklahoma Sooners….
But….
ALSO Picked them to beat MO’S Tigers….

But I CANNOT be a Candidate for Governor of the Lonestar State….

Despite the Fact….

My “Future” opponent Hates…
Puppies…
Santa Claus….
Willie Nelson…..
Earl Campbell
Roger Staubach…
AND….
Darrell Royal…

I even have on good authority that he hasn’t “Remembered the Alamo” in years….
and doesn’t own a pick-up truck…

You know something….

I bet he even pulled for the Mexican’s to kill John Wayne in the “Real” Alamo Movie…

“I AM Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator”……
And…
I approved this message…..

 Enjoy!

THE GAMES

Thursday October 23rd

Auburn at West Virginia
This one could go either way….
But it’s in Morgantown….
SOOoooooooooooo….
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 24-23

New Mexico at Air Force
When I heard the “Low Blows” were playing Air Force…
I thought….
Didn’t they already play Navy?
FALCONS 34-31

Friday October 24th

Boise State at San Jose State
You know what “San Jose” means in Spanish?
I think it means….
“Joe has an infected mole..”
Which is disgusting…
BRONCOS 38-31

Your Saturday Picks and Prognostications will be out on Friday….

RTR
MEB

What a weekend in College Football……

Despite being a dismal 31 and 10 (76%) I was the ONLY College Football Prognosticator in the Country that Picked the Mighty Longhorns over the Boomer Sooners of Oklahoma…

EDITORS NOTE: I greatly appreciate my Longhorn Fans…
However I will NOT be a candidate for Governor of the Lonestar State Next Year…

Despite the FACT my opponent hates Christmas, Children and Darrell Royal…
“I am Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator and I approved this message…”

Also…..
Picked LSU to fall to the Gators of Florida…
AND said to the Missouri Tigers…
“The Cowboys are closer than they appear in your rearview mirror…”

But I should have listened to Lee and Bulldog Jim…
They tried to tell me…
Those Mississippi State Bulldogs had the Commodores number in Starkville…
Great Job Guys…
I will pay closer attention next time..

Let’s take a look at “The Weekend That was” in College Football…..

Enjoy!

TEXAS: The Longhorns have a Colt that is nothing short of a thoroughbred…
GREAT win over a CLASS Sooner Team…

MISSOURI: I have a suggestion….
MAYBE if your Quarterback Chase Daniel had spent less time this past week complaining about “last” weeks win over Nebraska and getting a “really cool” haircut and spent MORE time studying the Oklahoma State defense MAYBE you all would be Number One this week…
Dumbass….

FLORIDA: I do believe Superman does wear Tim Tebow pajamas…..

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Never should have doubted Coach Croom and those Bulldogs…

NOTE TO SELF: Shouldn’t have doubted Lee and Bulldog Jim either….

KENTUCKY: What is the Deal?
You give Alabama ALL they can handle and then you lose to Carolina?

What gives?

PENN STATE: Wow…..

Talk about “Cutting the Cheese….”

EDITORS NOTE: Yes, I am that easily amused….

IVY LEAGUE: You all STILL Suck…

CLEMSON: To Coach Tommy….
I Told you so…..

To My Tiger Family…
Have NO Fear My Beloved Tiger Friends and Family….
You all are about to get a REAL Football Coach…

Believe it.

AUBURN: Whose ass you gonna “Fire” this Week Ears?

That whole being an arrogant ass thing isn’t alot of fun when you lose, is it?

ARKANSAS: Congratulations and thank you for making my weekend complete…

TENNESSEE: I find it curious that “Big Orange” Fans are mad as hell that they are losing…
Why?
Because you all weren’t upset when a Vol Player raped a mentally handicapped underage girl in the athletic dorm?
And got away with it…

You all weren’t mad when the punter had five DUI’s…
And got away with it…

You didn’t blink an eye when your defensive lineman attacked a student that he outweighted by nearly 200 pounds and disfigured him….
And got away with it…

There are A LOT more stories like that…
ARE you upset about those?

Where you upset with the lack of disciple on the Fat Mans Team?

Or was Winning More Important…
More Important that ANYTHING…

GOT to Beat Florida…
GOT to Beat Bama…
At any cost…

Shame on you….

TENNESSEE (PART II): I just can’t resist….

How is that having the LARGEST recruiting budget in the ENTIRE Nation thing working out for you?

I mean really…
Did you have to go ALL the way to San Diego California to find a Running Back with “Fumble-itis”?

Just wondering….

MICHIGAN: You lost to Toledo….

Enough said…..

MICHIGAN (PART II): Look at the bright side Coach Rod….

Your Wife still has “Rock of Love III” with Bret Michaels….

EAST CAROLINA: What the Hell?

Did you all just quit playing football or what?

GEORGIA: I want to take a moment to say Good-Bye to the GREAT Larry Munson…

He has been the voice of the Georgia Bulldogs for as long as I can remember…

I will miss the sound of his voice..
Knowing he is there, even if I am not listening to him…

Hearing him say…

“HUNKER DOWN DAWGS!”

“RUN YOU SILVER BRITCHES!”

Or…….

“Loran Whattayagot?”

My Favorite Larry Munson Quotes…..

“Hunker down, you guys!…I know I’m asking a lot, but hunker down one more time!”
- In a defensive  series late in the game against Auburn in 1982, which clinched the SEC title for Georgia

“My God Almighty, he ran right through two men! Herschel ran right over two men! They had him dead away inside the 9. Herschel Walker went 16 yards. He drove right over those orange shirts and is just  driving and running with those big thighs. My God, a freshman!”
- Calling Herschel Walker’s first touchdown run against the Tennessee Volunteers in 1980.

“So we’ll try to kick one a hundred thousand miles. We’re holding it on our own 49-and-a-half … gonna  try to kick it sixty yards plus a foot-and-a-half … and Butler kicked a long one … a long one … Oh my God! Oh my God! … The stadium is worse than bonkers!”
- Calling Kevin Butler’s field goal in the final seconds to win over Clemson in 1984

“They’re beating us like we’re Maryland or Wake Forest or somebody”
- Calling the loss against Georgia  Tech in 2000.

“We just stepped on their face with a hob-nailed boot and broke their nose! We just crushed their face!” – Calling Georgia’s last-second win over Tennessee in 2001

“Touchdown! Oh, God, a touchdown!”
- Calling David Greene’s touchdown pass to Michael Johnson as Georgia defeated Auburn in 2002, clinching the Bulldogs’ first-ever SEC Eastern Division championship

Enjoy Your retirement Larry….

It won’t be the same without you…

HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS!

RTR
MEB

It’s that time of the year (Again)……

The names of the games alone are enough to make you break into goosebumps….

They are called many things….

The Red River Rivalry or The Red River Shoot-Out…

But the game between Oklahoma and Texas is above all else….

A Border WAR….

Then there is the tussle between the Hedges in Athens…
Between…

Tennessee and Georgia…..

Also…
This weekend…
The Black Shirts of Nebraska Invade Lubbock….

EDITORS NOTE: Have I mentioned that Lubbock is the home of Buddy Holly?

In “The Swamp”…..
The Defending National Champion LSU Fightn’ Tigers are in Gainesville to take on the Mighty Gators….

Jo Pa and his Lions of Penn State take on the “Power of Cheese” in the Wisconsin Badgers…

And who can forget….
Another weekend with the NCAA’s collective head (and ass) in the sand as they pretend we are all going to forget the investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans…

Don’t worry my friends…

I won’t let you forget…

There is a lot to cover, so let’s get to it!

 Enjoy Your Picks!

College Football NEWS and VIEWS

TENNESSEE: I have the answer to your Football problems!
The problem my semi-beloved Volunteer fans is rooted in the lack of players from Tennessee on the Tennessee Volunteer football team roster….

Do you know how many “Starters” From the state of Tennessee are on the Volunteer football team?

“5″…..
As in the number “After 4″ and the number “Before 6″….
In case you all forgot…
That is out of 22…(24 if you count the punter and kicker..)

Why is this important?

Does anyone in California or Washington D.C. or Oregon “really” care what the University of Tennessee does or doesn’t do on any particular weekend?
Do they even know where “Tennessee” is located?
Your players from those places don’t care either…
Because they didn’t grow up with “IT”…

If you don’t think this is important then I have a “little” Trivia question for all the Tennessee Volunteer Fans out there….

“When was the last starting Quarterback at the University of Tennessee…..
From the state of Tennessee….”

This may take a while…so I’ll wait.

EDITORS NOTE: The GOOD News for all the disgruntled Tennessee Volunteer fans out there, is that YOU have a “Tennessee” team to pull for in the state that has more than “5″ starters from the State of Tennessee on the Team…

They are called the Vanderbilt Commodores….

CONGRATULATIONS (again) VANDY!!!!!!!

TENNESSEE (PART II): As a side note from the Tennessee – Auburn game
Maybe the Fat Man should have gone to court before the Auburn game and faced the music like he was suppose too…

Ever think about that?

I have…
There is a name for it too….

It’s called Karma…

MISSOURI: SOooooooo Tiger Quarterback Chase Daniel said he was being spit on by the Husker defensive players last Saturday….
The time to complain about that kind of behavior “isn’t” on Sunday afternoon…dumbass.

WEST POINT: Congratulations on your first “Big” Win last weekend since Appomattox….

VANDERBILT: Your First 5 and 0 start since 1943….

The first time you beat Auburn since 1955…..

And Yes….

I predicted it…….

No Need to thank me…

CLEMSON: To My Beloved Tiger Friends and Family….
I feel and understand your pain and frustration…

Have no fear….
Change is coming…..

TELEVISION COMMERCIALS: Seriously….Geico.

KILL the DAMN caveman commercials….

It’s over….

Stop the madness….

I am serious….

WISCONSIN: So the Badger Marching Band was “suspended” because of hazing?

How bad can “hazing” really be with a marching band…

AUBURN: So do you all believe in the “Corso Curse” Yet?

You thought I was joking about that…didn’t you?

AUBURN (PART II): SOOOooooo Ole Ears Tubberville fired the Offensive Coordinator Tony Franklin this week after what? Five games?

There are two ways to look at this War Eagle Fans….

One…Talk about wanting your “instant” Grits?

or…

Two…
When Ole Ears feels the heat, it’s time for somebody to go under the bus…

ESPN: Last Saturday’s College Gameday with Kenny Chesney….
There is SOOOoooo many things wrong with THAT I don’t know where to begin…

We ALL know he was there to promote his “New” Album…

We also know he is trying to be the Jimmy Buffet of “His” generation….

However I think naming your album…
“The Butt Pirates of the Caribbean”
Well, that is just wrong….

NCAA: Seriously….The jokes over!
When are you going to let us all in on the “results” of the “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Univer$ity of $outhern California Trojan$?
If your “Investigators” need any help finding Reggie Bush’s Momma and Daddy’s house I will be happy to show them how to use “MapQuest”.

I am here for you…..

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA: So last weekend Trojan Quarterback Mark Sanchez re-injured his knee during the game with Oregon…
The PAC 10 Officials threw a flag and penalized the Oregon Ducks a 100 yards for hurting a “Hyphenated- American” which resulted in the automatic loss of the game….

I think that is the first time I ever heard of that penalty?
What about you?

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA TROJAN$ TESTIMONIALS

“The Southern California Trojans defeated the Klingons, saved the whales and made us the kick-ass World Super Power we are today!”

- William Shatner

“I really like that big white horse that this part of the Southern California Mascot….
With it’s long face…big teeth…and wide butt…
I would have sworn I was looking at my wife..”

- Miles Brand: President NCAA

 U$C TROJAN$: Seriously…..
Shouldn’t you all be on Probation by Now?

You know…
NO Television….
NO Bowl games…
Loss of 20 Scholarships…
Per year…
For five years…
Loss of your National Championship…
ALL of your wins for those years…voided.
Loss of the Heisman for Reggie Bush…

Sound about right?

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: We saw what u-ins wrote about Peyton Manning last week!
You is innorant as hell!
Peyton is a Saint!!!!
Just like that Old Teresa’s Mother!
If wants to touch them Tennessee players before the game, well then By God we knows he got a good reason!
Maybe he’s a trying to heal them or something!
Cooter – Erwin, Tennessee
A: If you will try and justify those comments…..
Then I REALLY don’t want to know what you would do for a “Klondike Bar”….

It would be too embarrasing….

Q: Mike I am a Proud Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket Fan…
My neighbor told me because I don’t own a weed eater that means I am a Homosexual.
Is that true?
Chip – Atlanta, Georgia
A: Break out your Kenny Chesney CD’s Chip…
It’s true…

Q: Mike, you haven’t mentioned it in a while, but is your sister-in-law still dating that guy with the glass eye from the Carnival?
Sally – Benton, Arkansas
A: I can’t remember his name, so around my house we just refer to him as ”Mr. Peepers”….
But I have to tell you that they broke up. but promised to “Remain Friends”…
Which really means, we may see him “again” at Thanksgiving…
God Help me…

Q: Mike I have a question that I really hope you can help us out with..
We Texas A&M Aggies are having a tough year…
Some would say, a really tough year…
Is there anything that you can tell us that will give us hope and encouragement?
Roger – La Grange, Texas
A: I wish I could help you out Roger…
But when I saw “La Grange Texas” on your email…
The only thing I could think of was….

“Haw Haw Haw…..”

“Have mercy…..”

EDITORS NOTE: I am thankful that I finally got to have a ZZ Top reference…

Q: Mike, why would Peyton Manning “defend” Phil Fulmer they way he did a week ago on the Auburn sidelines?
Thanks!
Chris – Maryville, Tennessee
A: Chris…
I have on good authority it has to do with a “certain” picture involving a “former” Tennessee Quarterback….
A Hamster…
One Bottle of Wesson Oil…
And..
A “Certain” grossly overweight Tennessee Football Coach….

Playing a game of Semi-Nude “Twister” that went horribly wrong…

THE GAMES

Saturday October 11th

Texas and Oklahoma
The Texas State Fair….
Dallas, Texas
The Red River Shoot Out…..

The Cotton Bowl….

This game has all the atmosphere of a gunfight….

My Friends, it doesn’t get any bigger than this….

HOOK’EM HORNS 27-24

Iowa at Indiana
So we go from the “Red River Shoot-out”……
To the Homers and the Eyes of the Hawk…
This like going from watching the Sugar Bowl…
To watching re-runs of the 2002 Mid-American Regional Junior Chess Championships…

Kill me now….
HOMERS 24-21

EDITORS NOTE: If the folks from Indiana will go with renaming their team the “Gomers”; I can almost guarantee a “sponsorship” from Jim Nabors…
Just think about it…
That’s all I ask…

Toledo at Michigan
Must be “Homecoming” in Ann Arbor…
But Please don’t let Coach Rod’s wife be the “Homecoming Queen”….

You have one Ten Dollar Hooker for a Homecoming Queen and that’s all everyone talks about for ten years….
You don’t think so?
Ask the folks in OBKnoxville…..
WOLVERINES 34-17

East Carolina at Virginia
The Pirates right the ship this weekend…
(Thought that up myself…)
PIRATES 27-17

Syracuse at West Virginia
Victory in Morgantown smells like….
BURNING Couches!
Light Em UP!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-14

Minnesota at Illinois
Golden Gophers: The OTHER White Meat…
ZOOK’S FIGHTING PUMPKINS 34-17

Rutgers at Cincinnati
Have I mentioned that Cincinnati is the Chili Capitol of the Mid-West…
Well it is…
If you ever get a chance to try that “Goldstar” or “Skyline” Chili….
Lord…that is something special

Also as a medical side note: IF you are suffering from constipation, you will be “cured” within 12 hours of eating any of the above mentioned chili…

Forget I mentioned it….
BEARKATS 28-23

Colorado at Kansas
I must confess….
These Hawks of Jay fought like the Devil last weekend and….
NEVER gave up….
I like that…
JAY’S HAWKS 38-27

South Carolina at Kentucky
After the Wildcats scared the crap out of me last weekend…
This one is easy…
WILDCATS 24-21

Utah at Wyoming
I love those folks from Cowboy Country…
But Cousin Vinnie says this game is about the….
TWO UTES 28-17

Kansas State at Texas A&M
I have no reason to believe this will actually happen..
Just so you all know…
GIG EM AGGIES 28-24

Vanderbilt at Mississippi State
Common Wisdom would favor the Bulldogs…
But there is something special about these Commodores…
COMMODORES 24-14

EDITORS NOTE: Sorry Jim…I hope I am wrong.

Ursinus at Franklin Marshall
As in “Your Sinus”?
I guess it’s better than “UR-Anus”…
Never mind…

Nebraska at Texas Tech
Did I mention that Lubbock is the Home of the Great Buddy Holly?
I thought so…
“All my life I’ve been a waiting…
Tonight they will no hesitating….”

SO Get THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 43-17

EDITORS NOTE: I have been waiting for the right time to spring a Buddy Holly reference on you…

Arizona State at USC
The Sun Devils couldn’t beat a damn egg….
TROJAN$ 136-0

Tennessee at Georgia
Between the Hedges…
UGA VII is Hunkered Down….
RUN YOU SILVER BRITCHES!
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS? 27-17

EDITORS NOTE: Many of you may think…
“He just picked Georgia because he Hates Tennessee…”
That is only half the story…
I do dearly Love those Dawgs…

Purdue at Ohio State
It is written….
“And a freshman shall lead them….”

- Book Of Hayes

It’s in the Bible….Enough said.
BUCKEYES 33-17

Notre Dame at North Carolina
I wish I cared…
But I don’t…
TAR HEELS 31-24

Greenville at LaGrange College
“Haw Haw…Haw…”
Sorry, I still can’t get over my earlier ZZ Top reference….

Michigan State at Northwestern
I know…
I Know…
The Wildcats have their BEST Record since 1962….
Bla..Bla…Bla..
But that Ringer Kid is a Stud…
CALL THE SPARTANS 24-21

Texas Christian at Colorado State
Did somebody say TCU is the Home of Bob Lilly?
I did…
HORNED FROGS 28-24

Garner Webb at Georgia Tech
“Garner Webb” sounds like a Law Firm…
I hope they know “accident” and “Workers Comp” Law…
YELLOW JACKETS 44-0

Carson Newman at Catawba
You really can’t pronounce “Catawba” correctly unless you spit on yourself…
Which is disgusting…
SPARKS EAGLES 31-21

Central Florida at Miami (FL)
Must be “Homecoming” in Coral Gables…
Don’t disappoint me two weeks in a row Canes…
Please?
HURRICANES 38-14

New Mexico State at Nevada
The Wolfpack are a really good football team this year….
BUT the Aggies (with threats to the Administration to bring back “Pistol Pete” by yours truly…)

Are something special…..
I am a believer…
AGGIES 43-38

Arkansas at Auburn
If the Tigers lose again I wonder who Ears will toss under the bus?
No need to worry….
It ain’t happening….
WAR EAGLES 24-17

Juniata at Muhlenberg
Sounds like the story of some Mexican gal riding a mule doesn’t it?
Never mind….

Arizona at Stanford
Gosh, this would really be a “Great” PAC 10 matchup to watch….
But the Hamster Olympics are on ESPN 3 at the same time…..
CARDINAL 6-3

New Mexico at Brigham Young
The Low Blows take a shot in the Jimmy…..
COUGARS 38-17

EDITORS NOTE: Yes, I am that easily amused….

Washington State at Oregon State
Unless you are Sigfried and Roy….
Or Kenny Chesney…..
YOU believe in the Power of the Beaver…
BEAVERS 34-14

EDITORS NOTE: O.K. What did I say this time?
I was just talking about the Beaver…
So let it go….

Ball State at Western Kentucky
You may wonder: Will Ball State continue on their Cinderella Season?
Yes, for another week anyway…
CARDINALS 27-17

Iowa State at Baylor
I was trying to come up with a “Bears and Cyclones O’ My” Wizard of Oz reference…
But it just sounded creepy…
Sorry…
BEARS 27-24

Oklahoma State at Missouri
The Cowboys in the rear view mirror are a-lot closer than they appear…
MO’S TIGERS 33-28

LSU at Florida
I believe the Fightn’ Tigers have the better overall team…
But this game is in the Swamp..
And the Gators have Tim Tebow….
MIGHTY GATORS 24-21

Penn State at Wisconsin
The Badgers believe in the “Power of Cheese”…
Well Jo Pa “Cuts” the Cheese whenever he wants….
So there…
JO PA’S LIONS 31-17

Boise State at Southern Miss
After last week’s disappointment…..
(Which (by the way) would NOT have happened if you would have kept Coach Bowers..)
BRONCOS 34-17

Tulsa at Southern Methodist
I only have three words to say about this game…
“My Poor Ponies…”
GOLDEN HURRICANES 43-24

Tulane at UTEP
You say “Potato”, I say…
MINERS 31-14

EDITORS NOTE: I know….
It didn’t make alot of sense to me either (At First)
But after you think about it for a minute..
You will laugh your butt off…

Air Force at San Diego State
This game reminds me of one of my “favorite” selections in the New American Modern Revisionist History Book….
“The American Air Force Bombs the peaceful Ancient Aztecs; thus the term, “Stone age”
This selection can be found before the chapter on “When the U.S. Marines attacked the North Pole and Killed Santa Claus…”
We Americans are so naughty….
FALCONS 28-17

UCLA at Oregon
This game is like trying to pick the winner in a turtle race…
QUACKERS 3-2

Sunday October 12th

Louisiana Tech at Hawaii
This is the Very BEST Game on Sunday Night at Midnight Eastern Standard Time…

But if given the choice…
I would rather watch “Dog the Bounty Hunter”…
That theme music is really catchy…

RAINBOW BRIGHT 34-31

Enjoy Your Games!

RTR
MEB

Before we get into Saturday’s Picks I have to say…

I am still mad about last night……

I am One and Two on Thursday night (again)?

DAMN it….

This is the reason my average has fallen faster than the stock market the last two weeks…

As you know I was a disappointing 30 and 15 (76%) last week…

Which leaves me at an embarrassing 202 and 51 for the season or 80%.

Hold on for a minute…..

I just said thirty “Hail Bryants”…..
Now I feel better…

Enjoy Your Picks!

College Football NEWS and VIEWS

HAWAII: This message is for Rainbow Head Coach Greg McMackin…
YOU “demoted” Coach Brian Kajiyama?
Shame on you…

NOW I am really glad you are losing…

YOU do not deserve to live in the same state as “Dog the Bounty Hunter”…
I love those guys…

TENNESSEE: I recall the NCAA’s “Big Fat Secret Witness” had this to say about “Why he had a problem with the University of Alabama”….

“That University (Alabama) is recruiting in my backyard (Memphis), and I have to question why anyone would leave MY state for another school…”

- Fat Phil Fulmer (Also Known as the NCAA’s “Secret Witness”)

Really?

Well, somebody better alert the Fat Man because the Miami Hurricanes have gotten some key players out of his backyard under the shadow of his ever expanding ass….

From Memphis too……

Running Back…Graig Cooper
Corner Back…Carlos Armour
Offensive Line….Tyler Horn

 Let’s cut to the chase shall we?

Are you Tennessee Vol fans EVER going to be embarrassed by this gibbering jackass’s behavior?

Have you all sold your soul’s for a win?

Just wondering….

VANDERBILT: IF you beat Auburn this Saturday Night…
You all will be 5 and 0 for the first time since 1943…..

I am a Believer…..

CLEMSON: My Tiger Family…I have GOOD news.

This is how it’s going to work…

Dumbass Tommy’s Contract will be bought out by the end of the year…

Your “New” Coach?

Meet Coach Johnson of Vanderbilt…

He IS a Clemson Man…

and will be Your Football Coach in 2009…

Believe it…

NCAA: Seriously, when can we expect to hear about the “Investigation” into Reggie Bu$h and the $outhern California Trojan$?

In the words of Duane “Dog” Chapman…

“I will not give this up until I take my last dying breath”

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder if people that “Google” Reggie Bu$h or the $outhern California Trojan$ ever get tired of seeing the Ole CFBWIZARD pop up…

NCAA (PART II): Has Fat Phil called you all yet about the Miami Hurricanes recruiting in Memphis?

MIAMI (FL): “IF” you happen to see what appears to be an overweight Manatee hiding in the bushes on the Hurrcane campus wearing a “Big Orange” T-shirt…

That smells like ass and potted meat…

Don’t worry…
OR call the Animal Control folks….

It’s just Fat Phil Fulmer conducting another “Investigation” for the NCAA….

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA: YOU jackasses aren’t on probation or “Looking down the barrel of the Death Penalty” YET?

Really?

I guess that only applies to “Real” Southern Schools…

ESPN: How much longer must we be held hostage to the halftime segment entitled…”Dr. Lou”?

Why we must we be subjected to listening to a 140 pound Tom Turkey spit and slur during the entire halftime?

Lou sounds like Slyvester the Cat after a three day drinking binge….

ESPN (PART II): Everytime I hear Pam Ward talk…

I die…

Just a little bit…

Inside…

PLEASE make her STOP!

ESPN (PART III): SOOOOOooooooooooo….

You all really don’t want to talk about the NCAA and PAC 10 “Investigation” into Reggie Bu$H and the Univer$ity of $outhern California Trojan$?

You do know I am going to bug the hell out of you and talk trash until you do?

Right?

Just so we understand each other…

HASKELL INDIAN NATIONS UNIVERSITY: For the first time in almost 75 years the university is re-introducing football on campus….

Why is this important?

Before this Country’s GREATIST athlete enrolled at Carlisle Indian School….

Jim Thorpe played football at Haskell Prep…..

That football field IS sacred ground…

Good Luck this weekend Boys!

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, what is your “Problem” with “everything” California?
Juniper – San Diego, California
A: Because you all suck…

I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding…

Q: I have a question for you…
Why do they call Pittsburg State the “Gorillas”?
Thanks!
Chuck – Abilene, KS
A: Have you ever seen their Cheerleaders?

I rest my case….

Q: Hey, I got me a question!
My sister has what the doctor calls “Web” feet.
Does that mean if we hook her up to a computer, that
We is gettin our own “Web”-”site”?
GO VOLS
Stu – Pikeville, Tennessee
A: So Stu…
How close do you live to the Nuclear Power Plant?

Just wondering…

Q: Seriously Mike…
How old is Bobby Bowden?
Thanks!!
Tommy – Blacksburg, Virginia
A: Tommy…
When Bobby Bowden was born…
They hadn’t even invented dirt yet…

THE GAMES

Saturday October 4th

Penn State at Purdue
I would sooner doubt John Wayne than second guess Jo Pa…
JO PA’S LIONS 34-17

Duke at Georgia Tech
This is an imperfect world we live in….
Or…
They would BOTH Lose…
YELLOW JACKETS 31-23

Iowa at Michigan State
I like that Spartan Running Back…
That Ringer kid is a Class act…
CALL THE SPARTANS 23-14

Indiana at Minnesota
Gophers and Homers?
This is what I have to choose from?
Where is David Hasselhoff when you really need him?
OOOO SO GOLDEN GOPHERS 23-17

Boston College at North Carolina State
Not that it fits here….
But did you all know…
That a Boston accent is one of the VERY Best Birth Control devices known to mankind?
EAGLES 24-21

Rutgers at West Virginia
The folks from New Jersey (Pronounced: Newww Jorseee) are introduced to what is commonly referred to as:
A Mountain Ass Whoppin…
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

Akron at Kent State
What a choice I have here…
Zippers or Protesting Wusseys…
I would rather watch monkeys sling poop for three hours…
ZIPPERS 23-10

Oklahoma at Baylor
This game is going to be uglier than my sister-in-law’s Prom Night…
“With” Power Blue Eye Shadow…
(Sorry for the Visual…)
BOOMER SOONER 38-13

Florida at Arkansas
There are few things in this world as mean as a wounded Gator…

Well…
That and my sister-in-law with a Hang Over…

Never mind…
It’s kind of the Same thing…
MIGHTY GATORS 43-10

Kansas at Iowa State
The Cyclones don’t have enough wind to make a popcorn fart…
HAWKS of JAY 33-17

Alcorn State at New Mexico State
Somebody really named their school after Al’s Bunion?
That is just disgusting…
AGGIES 34-14

EDITORS NOTE: Bring back “Pistol Pete”…..
I am NOT Kidding!

Western Kentucky at Virginia Tech
You say “Hill Toppers”…
I say……
“Turkey Feed”
HOKIES 33-10

UNLV at Colorado State
You know what they say?
What happens in Vegas…
Usually gets cured in the Doctors office in about ten to fourteen working days…
REBELS 28-20

South Carolina at Ole Miss
Forget about last week…
It’s a new day…..
GAMECOCKS 31-28

Stanford at Notre Dame
EVERYBODY in the Country Picked the IRISH last week…
TO LOSE…
BUT Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator..
No Need to thank me…
FIGHTING IRISH 28-17

Army at Tulane
Dare I pick the once proud Black Knights of the Hudson?
NOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo!
GREEN WAVE 24-14

Kentucky at Alabama
I love my Big Blue Fans…
There are no better fans on the planet…
SO I will keep this one simple…
CRIMSON TIDE 34-17

Texas Tech at Kansas State
Do you know what time it is?
It’s TIME to get those GUNS UP RED RAIDERS!
RED RAIDERS 38-20

Mars Hill at Carson Newman
You know we have a screwed up immigration policy when People from “Mars” have their own college…
SPARK’S EAGLES 38-10

Illinois at Michigan
It’s October…..
Which means it’s too close to Halloween…
To go against the Fighting Pumpkins…
ZOOK’S PUMPKINS 31-21

 
Arizona State at California
You may call me “crazy”….
So did that “know it all” Doctor…
SUN DEVILS 24-23

Southern Methodist at Central Florida
Say it with me…
MIGHTY..MIGHTY…
MUSTANGS! 33-31

Florida State at Miami (FL)
The Good News?
Coach Bobby thinks he is meeting Woodrow Wilson and getting an award for “discovering” Sea Monkeys…
The Bad News?
It’s STILL Hurricane Season…
CANES 33-17

Navy at Air Force
Didn’t the “Village People” have a Sailor in the “group”?
That’s what I thought…
FALCONS 38-24

Nevada at Idaho
When I hear or read about Idaho I don’t think about football or potatoes..
I remember that girl “Ida” from High School…
She had a rather “progressive view of morals” for her time…
Forget I mentioned it…
WOLFPACK 28-24

Auburn at Vanderbilt
I am not sure I believe it myself…
But I am a Believer….
COMMODORES 17-16

San Diego State at Texas Christian
Didn’t the Aztec’s Kill the Baby Seals?
I learned that from a southern California History Teacher..
HORNED FROGS 38-10

Connecticut at North Carolina
Did you see the Tar Heels play last weekend?
My point exactly…..
TAR HEELS 24-17

Texas A&M at Oklahoma State
My favorite movie of all time?
After “Lonesome Dove”?
John Wayne: The Cowboys.
Enough said…
COWBOY UP! 27-10

Maryland at Virginia
I will not doubt the POWER of the NINJA turtles…
Again…
NINJA TURTLES 38-13

UTEP at Southern MIss
I will let you all in on a little “secret” to picking the games…
UTEP is in El Paso…
Southern Miss is in Hattiesburg Mississippi…
El Paso smells like a used urinal cake…

Hattiesburg smells like heaven…

That’s how it’s done…
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-17

Northern Illinois at Tennessee
By the time the Knoxghanistan Newspaper gets finished writing about this game….
You will think the Vowels beat the damn New England Patriots…
Enjoy it while you can…

YOU all got the Big DAWGS next week….
VOWELS 43-17

Ball State at Toledo
Have I mentioned that David Letterman went to Ball State?
Well, so did one of the best looking women in South Carolina…
So there…
CARDINALS 34-24

Washington at Arizona
I would LOVE to watch this game…
Really I would…
But there is a “special” about Gary Coleman on Vh1 “Behind the Music”…
I wish he would write a song called “What’ Ch-U Talking about Willis”..
Sometimes I wish for too much…
WILDCATS 6-3

Oregon at U$C
In a “Perfect World”?
They would BOTH lose….
By A lot…
TROJAN$ 3-2

Texas at Colorado
What is the first thing I think about when I wake up?
I Remember the Alamo…
HOOK EM HORNS 38-14

Ohio State at Wisconsin
This is the Game of the Week….
The “National Sports Media” believes the Badgers will win this game….
Thank God you all have me…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 27-23

Rice at Tulsa
I LOVE Rice Pudding….
But (Like I said) it is STILL Hurricane season….
GOLDEN HURRICANES 24-23

EDITORS NOTE: Sorry…that just sounded nasty.

Missouri at Nebraska
Coach Bo will keep this closer than you think….
Keep the faith my Black Shirt Faithful….
The Huskers ARE on their way back…
MO’S TIGERS 34-23

Wyoming at New Mexico
I hate picking the Low Blows….
It’s the same feeling you get when you order something from Tony Little…
LOW BLOWS 13-7

Hawaii at Fresno State
For those that are hearing impaired…..
Let me repeat the earlier statement concerning Hawaii Warrior Football….

This message is for Rainbow Head Coach Greg McMackin…
YOU “demoted” Coach Brian Kajiyama?
Shame on you…

YOU do not deserve to live in the same state as “Dog the Bounty Hunter”…
I really do love THOSE guys…
BULLDOGS 34-17

 Washington State at UCLA
I have to change the dirt out of my ant farm or I would watch this game…
Really….
BRUINS 23-17

Enjoy your Games!

RTR
MEB