As I continue to recuperate from my ride with the lightening, a document of Biblical proportions was brought to my attention by a good friend of mine who just so happens to be a University of Texas Longhorn Alumni

He provided me with this bombshell that he attained through the Republic of Texas Freedom Act.

It’s the actual text messages from former Arkansas Razorback Coach Bobby Petrino and his 25 year old blonde mistress that took place during the Arkansas – Vanderbilt game this past year on October 29, 2011.

As you may remember the game between the Arkansas Razorbacks and the Vanderbilt Commodores in Nashville was a close contest, closer that any of the experts predicted and now we know why. Although the Razorbacks struggled mightily throughout the game, they eventually won 31-28.

Due to the lengthy content of texts that took place during the game we will only look at a brief period that took place halfway into the fourth quarter.

BACKGROUND: The Nationally ranked Number 8 Arkansas Razorbacks had fallen behind by 14 points to the unranked Vanderbilt Commodores in Nashville and were struggling in the middle of the fourth quarter to make a comeback against the upset minded Commodores.

What you might not have realized is that during the game Coach Bobby Petrino used text messaging throughout the game to not only text his mistress but to text his assistant offensive coordinator as well.

One of the assistant offensive coordinators would receive the “calls” from Coach Bobby and then relayed the play to the offensive coordinator on the field to signal the play to the quarterback.

For the purposes of this re-enactment Offensive Coordinator Number 1 will receive the incoming messages from Arkansas Head Coach Bobby Petrino and then relay that play to Offensive Coordinator Number 2 who will then relay that play to quarterback.

The score stands at Vanderbilt 28 and Arkansas 14 midway into the fourth quarter, we resume the action as Arkansas has the football first and ten at their own twenty yard line after a Vanderbilt punt.

TEXT MESSAGES

Offensive Coordinator #1: What are you thinking here coach?

COACH BOBBY: Who’s your Big Hawg?

Offensive Coordinator #1: What? You want to run a goal line formation at the 20?

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: (Smiley Face)

Offensive Coordinator #2: He wants to call a run? Seriously?

Offensive Coordinator #1: Bobby is genius, he must see something we don’t

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: You are like the hottest coach EVER! (Smiley Face)

COACH BOBBY: I’ve got something hot for you

Offensive Coordinator #1: I hope so coach because we just lost three yards on that last play

COACH BOBBY: What? Wait. No run the Dallas X47 Out Dash

Offensive Coordinator #1: That’s more like it Boss

Offensive Coordinator #2: Finally!

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: I can’t wait to show you this trick I learned (Smiley face)

COACH BOBBY: You have a special trick 2 show me?

Offensive Coordinator #1: Not on hand coach but we could run the Denver 26 Cut In-N-Out

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: You are such a naughty Hog (Smiley face)

COACH BOBBY: You’re so naughty!!!!!!!!!!!

Offensive Coordinator #1: What? I called the play just like you said!

Offensive Coordinator #2: Good call on the Denver 26 cut Z in and out; we have another first down, what’s next ?????

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: I bought a nurses uniform, it’s sooooo naughty

COACH BOBBY: That is so hot

Offensive Coordinator #1: What is Coach?

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: U ARE! (Smiley Face)

COACH BOBBY: Ok where are we again here ????

Offensive Coordinator #2: What’s he saying I am going to have to call a time out if we can’t signal a damn play in!

Offensive Coordinator #1: Hang on; the coach is under a lot of pressure here!

COACH BOBBY: I can’t wait to play doctor with you! I will bring my big needle! (Smiley Face)

Offensive Coordinator #1: Coach wants us to call Doc Needle Down 22

Offensive Coordinator #2: What the hell? He wants a quarterback sneak?

Offensive Coordinator #1: He knows what he’s doing

Offensive Coordinator #2: It’s second and 15 after the penalty!

Offensive Coordinator #1: He knows what he’s doing

COACH BOBBY: I’m so hot for you right now u naughty nurse I think I need a complete checkup!

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: Will I get a spanking for being so naughty (frowny face)

COACH BOBBY: What was that one thing you did the other night what did you call it?

Offensive Coordinator #1: Flea flicker play? The one we did in practice?

Offensive Coordinator #2: What’s he saying?

Offensive Coordinator #1: Down Town Brown 88

Offensive Coordinator #2: Flea flicker? I should have taken the job at Nebraska

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: (Smiley Face)

COACH BOBBY: (EDITED Comment due to this is a family column)

Offensive Coordinator #1: Coach we don’t have that number in our playbook

Offensive Coordinator #2: I have to call another time out if we don’t call in a play right NOW!!

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: You are such a naughty Hog (Smiley Face)

Offensive Coordinator #1: Coach must be dyslexic from all the stress so call 96 Snake

Offensive Coordinator #2: Now you are talking. I was just joking about the job with Nebraska they never offered me a job

Offensive Coordinator #1: Whatever

Offensive Coordinator #1: TOUCHDOWN! Great Call Coach!

COACH BOBBY: We Just scored!

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: You are going 2 score later u big naughty hog!
(Smiley face)

Offensive Coordinator #1: Going for one point here coach

COACH BOBBY: I’m going for it all!!!!!!!!!

Offensive Coordinator #1: That’s the attitude coach!

COACH BOBBY: Yeah the One Point thing, we still have time to win

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: U Can Have it all 2 Naughty Hog Man!

Offensive Coordinator #2: Seriously I was only joking about the job with Nebraska

Offensive Coordinator #1: Let it go dude

COACH BOBBY: I am going 2 send you that picture of me again that’s a side shot!!!

Offensive Coordinator #1: You want an onside kick? Are you sure?

Offensive Coordinator #2: What’s he saying?

COACH BOBBY: Yeah Ok whatever onside kick sure go ahead

Offensive Coordinator #2: Our kicker pulled a groin muscle he can’t do that!

Offensive Coordinator #1: Just call the play dumbass

Offensive Coordinator #2: Seriously I was only joking about the job with Nebraska

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: I want you to cross the goal line later! (Smiley Face)

COACH BOBBY: I will cross the goal line!!!

Offensive Coordinator #1: That’s the spirit coach!

Offensive Coordinator #2: I cannot believe we got the ball back after the onside kick it’s a damn miracle

Offensive Coordinator #1: What did I tell you! He’s a genius!

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: I have some hot wax and a monkey mask waiting 4 U!

COACH BOBBY: I’m such a dirty monkey

Offensive Coordinator #1: Coach wants to call “Go Bananas”

Offensive Coordinator #2: Bold Move

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: U Are a Very Bad Monkey!! (Smiley Face)

COACH BOBBY: We just scored again and we R all tied up!

Offensive Coordinator #1: Genius Coach!

Offensive Coordinator #2: I’m a believer now

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: U R going to get tied up later U dirty monkey!!!!!

Certainly there was more, but I think its best, under the circumstances to keep the rest of it close hold, after all this is a family column.

But in the words of Hank Hill

Damn It Bobby

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s been a long 2011 College Football Season…
This column is a labor of love and it’s a pleasure to be able to bring you the weekly college football picks and the occasional story throughout the season. But I couldn’t do it alone and I don’t.

I want to take a moment to thank a few people for keeping me going throughout this college football season, without their help, encouragement and humor it would have been damn near impossible to bring you all something worth reading week after week.

I want to thank Harley and his Gang from South Georgia who had the most popular article on the website this season with the “South Georgia Football News and Views”. I would also like to thank Harley’s wife who allows me to steal so much of his time during the football season.

Harley’s insight and wit were more valuable to me this season than I have words to say other than
“Thank you my friend”

I would like to thank Deke, Col J and the Eglin Boys for their friendship, encouragement and humor, not just this season, but throughout the years; it’s what has kept me going in good times and not so good times…Thank you all.

I want to say “Thank you” to Ed and Miss Pam at Stonybrook Cabins and Chalets in beautiful Gatlinburg Tennessee. There are no finer people on the planet than Ed and Miss Pam.

Not that this will turn into a shameless plug, but it will….
Look them up at http://www.stonybrooklodging.com/
There isn’t any place like it, anywhere….

I would be remiss if I didn’t thank the World’s Greatest Agent and Crimson Princess and her beautiful family for all their encouragement and support and well timed humor. I don’t know what I would do without Jill, Christy and Miss Kaye. I Love you all.

I want to thank “Beaver Jim” and “Bulldog Jim” respectively for their college football insight, humor and leads on stories. I appreciate you both, more than you know.

Lastly I want to thank you readers….
For taking the time out of your day to read my Prognostications and Diatribes this Season and I’ve enjoyed your comments both good and the occasional not-so-good, they keep me honest.
I need that…..

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will take a break for a couple of weeks, but will return.
But before I depart I want to leave you all with a traditional greeting from my home country…

God Bless you all and thank you again for reading.

Click here to view the embedded video.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

By now the last of the confetti has drifted across the floor of the New Orleans Super Dome and all the celebratory cheers and celebrations have only just begun in Tuscaloosa.

The University of Alabama Crimson Tide are the 2011 National Champions of College Football

It was a battle…

It was relentless…

It was “Big Boy” football as it was meant to be played.

It was a game for the ages and unfortunately someone had to lose.

My voice is hoarse this morning and my head hurts and I haven’t been to sleep but I am happy, so very happy for my Crimson Tide family, friends and former teammates.

And I am happy for the Southeastern Conference who has won yet another National Championship in College Football for six consecutive years.

Certainly there are detractors and most of them live in Stillwater Oklahoma, where presumably the four mentally challenged voters in the AP Poll live that cast their Number One ballots for the Oklahoma State Cowboys.

So let me say this…..

If you do not think that the LSU Tigers and the Alabama Crimson Tide are the two best teams in college football, then you are a complete dumbass and you should be forced to live in Brent Musburger’s underwear until the start of the 2012 College Football Season.

To my beloved LSU Tiger friends, I hate it for you, because we respect each other.

I have nothing but love and admiration for you all and you know that to be true.

And I know that it may be hard to believe at the moment….

But the sun still came up this morning; it’s just shining a little bit brighter in Tuscaloosa

I will enjoy this one for a long while, not because we defeated the Bayou Bengals

But because the Alabama Crimson Tide are the Champions of College Football.

And I know that somewhere Coach Bryant is smiling….

Amen….

ROLL TIDE ROLL

THE CFB WIZARD

Before you begin your New Year’s Eve Celebrations….
I present the last of the 2011 College Football Bowl Picks.

This week we have the final Bowl Games to discuss along with season ending awards and email.

But before you launch headlong into the anxiety pool, let me remind you all of two very simple safety tips that will enhance your enjoyment of the upcoming coming New Year’s Eve Celebrations.

One….New Years Eve is an excellent time to get liquored up and make some bad decisions.
Which your Uncle Todd continues to prove year after year, remember when he brought that goat to your house?

Two….This is the second “celebration” within a week so remember kids…..
A healthy and balanced family life means piling unreasonable expectations on one family member during the holidays (Preferably the mother) and exploding with anger when those expectations aren’t met.

Enjoy your Bowl Games…..

Happy New Year…

THE 2011 CFB WIZARD BOWL GAME AWARDS

These highly sought after season ending awards are known as the most prestigious season ending bowl awards in all of college football, so without further ado I present the CFB Wizard Awards..

(Applause)

(More Applause)

WORST BOWL COSTUME BY A COLLEGE FOOTBALL FAN

This coveted award is also known as the Garth Brooks “Shameless” Award for excellence in costume design with absolutely no concern for the image of the proud University who they represent. Congratulations, I’m sure your family is thrilled…

And although “The Big Game” isn’t here quite yet, the runner up for this award goes to this ah, LSU Tiger “cheerleader”….

I can almost hear his kids now….
“Mom for the Love of GOD, please don’t go to the game dressed like that again!”

THE WORST BOWL SPONSOR MASCOT

The winner of this award had no competition….

This is kind of eye-catching mascot…..”The Idaho Potato Bowl Mascot”

I think it looks like Mr Hankey from South Park with a tube top.
Striking resemblance, don’t you think, see for yourself.

THE MOST EMBARRASSING ALUMNI AWARD

For consecutive years running, this award goes to the “honorable” U.S. Congresswoman from Florida Ms. Corrine Brown. Although this is an older video, I think you will agree she is still a “winner” of this prestigious award and it will be difficult to raise the embarrassment bar any higher for any alumni anywhere.

Go Gata….

Click here to view the embedded video.

CHRISTMAS HOME DECORATION CONTEST WINNER

It’s Christmas time in Louisiana and while most people decorate their homes with lights to
Celebrate the season; some of the folks down there have only one thing on their minds….

I can’t imagine what that would be?

THE WORST IDEA TO PROMOTE A POLITICAL CAMPAIGN OF 2011

The winner of this award goes to none other than Craig James formerly of ESPN….
Who recently announced his run for the U.S. Senate…..
And as a big a dumbass and as stupid as Craig James is…I would say he’s probably a shoe-in.

Maybe I’m old fashioned but I don’t think I would have talked about killing a hooker.
But that’s just me….

THE 2011 BFF (BEST FRIENDS FOREVER) AWARD

This award goes to none other than Kansas Coach Charlie Weis and former Tennessee Volunteer Coach Phil Fulmer, who are pictured riding off into the sunset together to spend some “quality man time” with one another.

WORST CHRISTMAS CARD IDEA OF 2011

I will close the awards with this….

Alabama ball cap – $15
Hounds tooth Hat – $25
Matching Hounds tooth shirt $35
Matching Hounds tooth Blanket – $45
Bringing your soon to burst pregnant girlfriend with her exposed midriff shirt and hooker pumps to the cow pasture, to pose in an inviting patch of dirt next to the pond for your Christmas card..
Priceless.

Young people in love….

Inspiring…..

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS AND VIEWS

Hello from the heart of SEC Country!!!

I don’t know about anyone else, but this is a special time of year down in these parts.

School has let out for the Christmas Break; everyone is running around buying presents for their loved ones. But, most importantly, we’re getting all ready for the annual Hanesworth Christmas Family Gathering out in Workmore at my mama and daddy’s house.

There’s more Hanesworth’s down here than you can shake a stick at, so as you can imagine, there’s a huge family get together on Christmas Eve. Mama works all day cooking a big Turkey and dressing. All us kids make covered dishes like sweet potatoes, turnips, peas, and butterbeans to take over for the main course and blackberry pie, pecan pie, and chocolate layer cakes for dessert. But best of all, my sister Viola makes her special oyster dressing to bring over for all to enjoy. Everybody starts getting to the house about 3 in the afternoon, with the ladies going in the house to help mama with the last of the cooking and setting the tables.

All the men either go into the living room to watch some football or stand around the fire pit outside and sip on a cold adult beverage. The kids run around out in the pasture and play their games and wait anxiously for supper. We’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember and I can report that although we’ve got a few outlaws in the family, nobody’s ever been killed, even though my brother, Harold, once shot himself in the leg after he had showed us his little .22 peashooter and was sticking it back in his pocket. It was just a little flesh wound so we bandaged him up and went back to the conversation and imbibing of beverages. I hope you all have the opportunity to get together with family and enjoy the fellowship and fun like we do.

I’ve got some bad news to report from up in Statesboro. Our Georgia Southern Eagles finally met their match in their march to the FCS National Title up at the Fargo Dome, in Fargo, North Dakota. The Bison from the North Country took advantage of some early Bird specials courtesy of a couple of untimely fumbles as they kicked the Eagles out of their nest by a 35-7 tally. The visitors from Statesboro kept things close for 39 minutes, down 14-7, but the Buffalo then ran roughshod over the Feathered Flock from the South, outscoring the Birds 21-0 over the rest of the games. The Eagles drove 5 times to inside the Bison 30 but couldn’t punch it in. This obviously leaves a bitter taste in the mouths of our Southern Sons as they were defeated last year at this point by Delaware. Regardless of the outcome, we are so very proud of these young men as they competed for another National Championship and represented the Southern Conference and State of Georgia well. Congratulations, Eagles, on a great season.

And finally, I’d like to take the time to bid you farewell for this year.

I’ve never written for a prestigious, national publication before and from what the College Football Wizard has told me, amazingly, the response has been favorable.

I was honestly quite apprehensive about writing about my little corner of Georgia, and putting my opinions and thoughts on the College Football World out there for all to see. That’s pretty scary because there are some many of those nameless, faceless people who sit behind their computers and seem to savor or ridicule anyone who doesn’t write what they want to hear or throw an opinion out there that completely agrees, lockstep, with theirs.

I’d like to humbly thank you all for bearing with me as I slowly got my “sea legs” and found a format that I was comfortable with and that you would enjoy. As the Wizard said in an earlier article, this is like a labor of love because Telfair County in the Great State of Georgia is the home that I love. So to all of you, I close with this thought.

Every week I sign off with the statement to support your local High School Athletics Programs. And I hope you do. Although the kids are teenagers and they’d never admit it, it’s important to them that there are good turnouts for their various competitions. Football seems to get the most fans, followed by basketball, but remember all those young men and women who compete in Cross-Country, Baseball, Volleyball, Tennis, and the other programs that don’t garner the most fan support. These youngsters represent your schools with pride and would love to hear some rousing cheers as they score the winning run or cross that finish line first.

With the way the world is nowadays, they need us more than ever.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone

And……

Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

THE LAST EMAIL QUESTION OF 2011

Q: Welcome to Candyland!

I always like introducing myself in fun ways!
Sometimes I will growl like a dinosaur and kind of stand on my tip toes when I meet people for the first time! You should see the look on their faces!

Then I say something like “Haven’t you ever seen a dinosaur before!”

That just cracks me up!

Any Who, here is my question Ole Wise College Football Wizard!

If ESPN Commentator Pam Ward and Kansas Coach Charlie Weis had a baby….
What do you think it would look like?

Thank you and don’t forget to tip your waitress!
I crack myself up!

Tommy – Columbus, Ohio

A: I’m not quite sure Tommy, since my degree isn’t in genetic engineering….

But off the top of my head, I would have to say….

I don’t know, but I’m guessing it would have a butt the size of Rhode Island and a voice that would make small animals fling themselves into oncoming cars.

THE BOWL GAMES

Monday January 2nd 2012

Ticket City Bowl
Houston and Penn State
This Bowl game should be called the Schizophrenic Bowl…
Because you never know who is going to show up and play
NITTANY LIONS 31-28

Capital One Bowl
Nebraska and South Carolina
If you like “Defense”, then this is going to be your game of the day
GAMECOCKS 17-10

Outback Bowl
Michigan State and Georgia
This one is for Larry and Lewis and Catfish…
SIC EM DAWGS 34-24

Tax Slayer.com Gator Bowl
Ohio State and Florida
At first I was really excited when I say this Bowl Sponsors name…
Because I thought if there really was a “Tax Slayer” running loose then the folks in the Federal Government must be getting in line to join the witness protection program.
BUCKEYES 24-21

Rose Bowl Game Sponsored by VIZIO
Wisconsin and Oregon
This pick is quite simple for me….
I wouldn’t pull for the Ducks if they were playing Iran
BUCKY BADGERS 34-21

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Stanford and Oklahoma State
If you hate “Defense” then this is going to be your game of the day
COWBOY UP! 63-59

Tuesday January 3rd

Allstate Sugar Bowl
Michigan and Virginia Tech
“Put your left foot in, take your left foot out and do the Hokey Pokey and the Wolverines are going to win the Sugar Bowl.” Sorry I couldn’t make that one rhyme.
WOLVERINES 24-17

Wednesday January 4th

Discover Orange Bowl
West Virginia and Clemson
Remember what Smokey the Bear Says….…..
“Only you and the Clemson Tigers can prevent smoldering couch fires in Morgantown”
Wise words from a Bear….
DABO’S TIGERS 38-17

Friday January 6th

AT&T Cotton Bowl
Kansas State and Arkansas
I think this one is going to over before it gets started….
Believe it….
WSP HAWGS 43-17

Saturday January 7th

BBVA Compass Bowl
Southern Methodist and Pittsburgh
What the hell is a “BBVA”?
It sounds like Salmonellas demented cousin…..
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-28

Sunday January 8th

GoDaddy.com Bowl
Arkansas State and Northern Illinois
This is the “Nobody Cares Bowl” because the Championship game is on tomorrow night.
RED WOLVES 33-28

Monday January 9th

The Game
Allstate BCS National Championship Game
LSU and Alabama
This game will be a classic….
It’s a shame that someone has to lose
CRIMSON TIDE 21-20

POST GAME WRAP-UP…

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will be off until after the National Championship Game and depending on how that turns out or doesn’t turn out I may be receiving a liver transplant in Paraguay.

So Stay Tuned…

It’s been a long season for Yours Truly.
I have picked almost one thousand games this year, with the occasional story thrown in for good measure, and finished the 2011 college football season with an overall 80% success rate.

One Thousand games, it’s hard to believe….
Thank you all for riding along with me this season
I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you.
Enjoy your Bowl Games and have a Healthy Happy New Year

See you in 2012

ROLL TIDE ROLL

THE CFB WIZARD

Christmas is almost here….

This is a story that is familiar to many of you…..

For others it may be your first time reading it

I sent this out the last couple of years and so many of you loved it that I decided to send it out again.
This story means a lot to me.

I like to think of this as our little College Football Wizard Christmas Tradition…

I bring you this story of the first Christmas I can ever remember

I hope it touches your heart and motivates you to help the helpless.

I hope you enjoy it and I want to wish you all…..

A Very Merry Christmas and a Happy Healthy New Year….

Enjoy….

CHRISTMAS ON OUTER DRIVE

It was Christmas 1962, when America didn’t have a clue what a Vietnam was
and most women were more concerned about which hat Jackie Kennedy would wear during the holidays than they were about world politics.

Even at the ripe old age of four this wonderful foster family provided by the state that was kind enough to explain to me that Santa Claus…
Ole Saint Nick to you and me didn’t visit children without a mommy and daddy.
Those were the “bad” children; that’s why their mommies and daddies left them with the state.

Made sense to me at the time; so, it goes without saying that my expectations were not very high this holiday season.

Imagine my surprise when Miss Connie, who lived next door in the duplex……
told me that she was “sure” that Santa was going to drop off a present for me at her house.
She would bring it over to me on Christmas day. What? Could this be true?
I couldn’t hide my excitement or stop talking about Santa’s generosity.

The whole concept of Santa Claus was beyond my ability to comprehend.
But yet, I was able to grasp the idea of a “special” gift created just for me and built by elf’s working at union wage at the North Pole.
Go figure.

I have been exposed to various family Christmas traditions throughout my extensive tour of state homes over the years before I had grown up.
However, this particular family enjoyed opening a variety of packages on Christmas Eve and saving a select few……Along with Santa’s delivery, to open on Christmas morning.

On this Christmas Eve I was a very disinterested observer.
Despite the fact I wasn’t going to get any gifts, after all it was pointed out in advance, that “taking me in” and feeding me was “gift enough”.
I wanted to speed up the whole process; move on to Christmas morning…..
So I could get whatever wonderful item Santa would leave me at Miss Connie and Mister Ken’s house.
Could you blame me?

I remember these events with perfect clarity, recalling the scents and colors of the scene around me.
I can recall the feeling of unbridled enthusiasm of Santa’s impending arrival and the personal torment of a child wondering what he had done to make his parents not want him.

But I need to get back to the subject.

Somewhere during the course of the evening with my foster family……..
With the sound of tearing wrapping paper and empty boxes mixed with the laughter of the adults and their biological child, underneath the shimmering Christmas tree,,,,,
I took it upon myself to commit the ultimate breach in Christmas etiquette.

I was entrusted with prior knowledge of a special gift intended for the master of the house.
As he ever so slowly began the process of unwrapping his “special” gift…..
He also, began the “What did you get me?” game, which I was totally unfamiliar with at this particular time.

I cannot recall if I was exasperated with the speed of the deliberations
or I was attempting to be helpful with the questions from the master of the house.
It may have been a combination of the two.
But regardless of my reasoning….
During the guessing game conducted by the master of the house with his “real” family,
I suddenly and without warning blurted out, “It’s a Tool Box”.

It was as if someone pulled the plug to the volume control.
I have never heard a room go from the bustle and excitement of Christmas, with the tearing of packages and all the electricity that comes with the moment….
To complete silence in a micro second.

I was now the total focus of everyone’s attention.
Which is never a good thing.

Total disgust from the gallery of observers was matched by the murderous expression displayed by the man of the house. He slowly stood from his chair, stepping over the remnants of packages and his “tool box”.
The only sound I heard were his feet making contact with several pieces of wrapping paper.

He made approximately four strides that seem to take forever to complete in my minds eye.
He bent slowly, until our nose’s nearly touched.
I can smell the spent Pall-Mall’s on his breathe and the sticky sweet smell of, what I now recognize as, Southern Comfort.
Daniel in the Lions Den had nothing on me……

Between clenched teeth he told me that I had ruined Christmas for the whole family.
To be honest, I had figured that much out on my own at this point.
However what I did not anticipate, which to this day baffles me…..
Particularly considering my highly evolved survival skills, is what transpired next.

He struck me so fast on my face with his open hand that I wasn’t quite sure that I had been hit.
However, all doubt left my mind when my buttocks and shoulders made contact with the floor.
I remember the embarrassment of being knocked down, as opposed to the pain of the blow.
It’s funny what you remember sometimes…..

I immediately rolled my body into a ball, in anticipation of being kicked and I wasn’t disappointed.
Fortunately, he was barefooted and didn’t put a lot into it, or use his heel.
After a couple of kicks in quick succession I was told to get up and go to bed, while the rest of the “real” family continued with their holiday celebrations.

Excitement overshadowed any pain that I may have experienced thinking about Santa’s subsequent arrival ….
And my gift to be left with Miss Connie and I drifted off to sleep.
I woke before dawn on Christmas morning.

I remember pacing frantically in my little room and trying not to wake anyone in the house.

I didn’t want to wait for Miss Connie or Mister Ken to bring Santa’s gift to me.
As soon as I knew they were awake I would knock on the door and inquire about Santa’s visit the following evening (I had a plan)

Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait long for my plan to go into action.
Shortly after the sun came up I smelled two very important and familiar items that Christmas morning.
I smelled Miss Connie’s coffee pot and Mister Ken’s pipe.

Already, in my overalls, I slipped on my boots and quietly made my way out of the duplex to their front door.
Once I was at the front door, I suddenly lost my nerve and found that I couldn’t knock.
I was afraid of disappointment or maybe I was just plain scared, I really don’t remember.

Good fortune was mine this day…..
As I was turning to leave, Mister Ken; God bless him, opened the door…..
And said something about hearing shuffling on the porch, and invited me in to the wonderful smell of Miss Connie’s pancakes.

I soon found myself eating like I was going to the electric chair.
The exquisite taste of those pancakes, mixed with melted butter and maple syrup, washed down with ice cold milk made me momentarily forget all about gifts, packages or Santa.

Miss Connie and Mister Ken had already raised three boys by the time of this story and missed the sounds of boys in their house. I was always welcome in their modest home and felt warm and safe in their presence.
I don’t think I ever left their house when I wasn’t still chewing some marvelous delight prepared by Miss Connie.

While I was digging into my second helping of pancakes with Mister Ken asking me if I had seen Bart Starr and the Green Bay Packers on the television set..
Miss Connie interrupted and explained that they had found a gift with my name on it, under their tree for me this morning. Before I had a chance to finish chewing, she had set the gift down on the table next to me.

The paper and ribbon were magnificent.
I had never seen such a package.
Smiling broadly, they encouraged me to go ahead and open it.

With maple syrup on my face and hands I began to tear into “my” package.
I started pealing the paper, and next I broke the seal on the box encasing my Christmas surprise.

Inside the package was a plastic bag holding some one hundred plastic soldiers and the top of the bag was advertising the popular television program “Combat”.
There was an American jeep and a German pillbox in the bag as well.
This was beyond my wildest expectations!
I jumped up from the table hugging them both as tightly as I could and asked them to please thank Santa for me. I have never received a better gift anytime in my life.

I will never forget that gift, the kindness of those two people, or that particular Christmas on Outer Drive. In time, I moved on to a series of state homes, and Miss Connie and Mister Ken were to lose their oldest son Jerry, in Vietnam.

But this moment for me is frozen in time.

It doesn’t take much effort to create a memory for someone who doesn’t have much hope.
Take the opportunity to bring a little hope to someone this Christmas season, create a smile or generate laughter in those who need it the most.

Merry Christmas

Post script…

This story is for Connie and Ken who have gone on to meet the Lord.
Two sweeter or loving people have never walked this earth.
They provided a poor child with love and care that will never be forgotten.

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2011

RTR
MEB

Just in time for Christmas, the second installment of your 2011 College Football Bowl games.

I wanted to get this edition out before your Aunt Edna shows up with her Yorkshire terrier “Popeye” who conveniently has “diarrhea” which was probably caused from sampling Aunt Edna’s Ten Bean casserole “surprise” which she decided to bring to your house for Christmas.

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and don’t forget the Tums.

Enjoy your Bowl Games…..

Saturday December 24th

The Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
Nevada and Southern Miss
I know what’s on your mind concerning this game in Hawaii….
The answer is “Yes”; Dog the Bounty Hunter will return to A&E in January 2012
No need to thank me…
GOLDEN EAGLES 38-24

The Silicon Valley Bowl Sponsored by Dolly Parton and Pamela Anderson
This Bowl game is for teams that at a distance look really good, until you see them up close…
Then you can tell they are actually made out of Silicon something or another…
Texas Tech Red Raiders and Miami Hurricanes

The Purina Monkey Chow Bowl
Much like this Bowl Game sponsor….
These two teams didn’t smell particularly good this season, but they sure are fun to say…..
Oregon State Beavers and Indiana Hoosiers

CHRISTMAS SAFETY TIP
For those of you (like myself) that are still trying to get last minute gifts on Christmas Eve, here is a safety tip for you. Do NOT go into a Pakistani Clothing Store and ask them if…
“They have any Bomber Jackets”

CHRISTMAS EMAIL QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Q: Hey!

My name is Timmy and I am eight years old and I live in Opelika Alabama.
My daddy broke his leg this past fall when he jumped off the Auburn bandwagon (cause they ain’t been any good this year) and he hasn’t been able to work because Obama Care doesn’t care. Then my momma caught most of our trailer house on fire when the tuna helper surprise she was a cooking blowed up and the worst of it, my 18 year old sister run off with an Alabama Crimson Tide boy.
Is my momma and daddy ever mad about that!

So I am asking you Wizard Man for a Christmas Miracle.

Can you do that?

Timmy – Opelika, Alabama

A: You came to the right place Timmy….

To me, nothing says Christmas miracle quite like watching a spider monkey riding a dog.

God Bless us Every One…

Click here to view the embedded video.

Monday December 26th

AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl
Missouri and North Carolina
I liked this Bowl game a lot better when it was called the Weed Eater Bowl…
I have no idea what the hell an “AdvoCare V100” is…
It sounds like a cream that will make hair grow on your head like a damn gorilla….
MO’S TIGERS 28-21

Tuesday December 27th

Little Caesars Bowl
Western Michigan and Purdue
I have no problem per se with a Pizza Company sponsoring a Bowl game…
Except this one sounds like a midget Caesar and you all know how I feel about midgets.
They creep me out, especially midget clowns.
Ok, I need to stop I am scaring myself.
BOILERMAKERS 24-17

Belk Bowl
Louisville and North Carolina State
This clothing store geared towards women has an unusual trophy awarded to the winner…
I’m not quite sure what a pair of zebra striped high heels will look like as a trophy..
But I guess we are going to find out…
STRONGER CARDINALS 31-28

The Vienna Sausage Bowl Sponsored by the Dahlonega Georgia Chamber of Commerce
This Bowl game matches two teams…..
That much like Vienna sausages; you are never really quite sure what they are made of and if left out in the sun too long they will start to smell like grandma’s old slippers.
Kentucky Wildcats and Army Black Knights

Wednesday December 28th

Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman
Toledo and Air Force
I cannot in good conscience pick against the Air Force Academy in the “Military Bowl”
It’s how I roll….
MIGHTY FALCONS 34-28

Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl
California and Texas
Bridgeport as in Bridgeport Tires?
What’s so damn educational about a bunch of tires?
You either put them on a car or truck or make a tire swing out of it, that’s about it.
Unless you live in California and then I guess you paint a face on them and worship it.
Idiots….
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 33-17

Wolf Brand Chili Bowl sponsored by the Texarkana Chili Cook-off Association
Much like the earlier Vienna Sausage Bowl, you don’t know what goes into making this delicacy, other than grease, more grease and a pinch of more grease.
But it does look like it’s already been eaten once…
I forgot where I was going with this one…
Tulane Green Wave and Vermont Poop Weasels

Thursday December 29th

Champs Sports Bowl
Florida State and Notre Dame
On paper this Bowl Game looks like it will be a good match-up……
Fortunately they don’t play the game of college football on damn paper.
SEMINOLES 43-17

Valero Alamo Bowl
Washington and Baylor
Having a sponsor with any Spanish name before “The Alamo” is abhorrent to me.
Enough said….
DA BEARS 38-17

Friday December 30th

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Brigham Young and Tulsa – Dallas
The best thing that can be said about this Bowl game is that it’s being played at the home of the Mighty Mustangs of Southern Methodist University in beautiful Dallas Texas.
What I wouldn’t give to be on the West End of Dallas on a Saturday night….
Sorry I had a flashback there for a minute….
GOLDEN HURRICANES 28-24

The Cubic Zirconium Bowl located off the Las Vegas Strip in nearby Gypsum Nevada
This particular Bowl game is reserved for teams that shined and sparkled at the beginning of the season but when it came right down to it, they couldn’t cut glass this year.
South Florida Bulls and Tennessee Volunteers

New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Rutgers and Iowa State
I hate to be the bearer of bad news to the folks in Yankee Land….
But there isn’t anything “new era” about pinstripes, they have been around for a while.
MIGHTY CYCLONES 28-14

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
Mississippi State and Wake Forest
There is a lot at stake in the “Mortgage Bowl” in Nashville….
The losers of this game get their houses foreclosed on…
BULLY DOGS 34-14

Insight Bowl
Iowa and Oklahoma
I have some “Insight” for you on this Bowl game….
The Hawkeyes are going to get the living hell beaten out of them….
BOOMER SOONERS 49-14

Saturday December 31st

Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas
Texas A&M and Northwestern
This Bowl game has one of the most useful and decorative trophy’s that can be found anywhere.
Nothing says “I’m a Winner!” like a Pine Tree Car Deodorizer ….
GIG EM AGGIES 31-17

The I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Bowl
The teams, student bodies, fans and alumni represented in this bowl game are composed of nothing more than lard and food coloring.
The Entire Ivy League and the University of Southern California Trojans

Hyundai Sun Bowl
Georgia Tech and Utah
At first glance I thought this Bowl game was sponsored by two Yugoslavian Utes, but then I realized it was a car company, which is cool.
YELLOW JACKETS 28-24

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl
Illinois and UCLA
Neither team has a head coach which should allow the viewers at home to enjoy the very best display of pee-wee football they have seen all year.
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 6-3

AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Cincinnati and Vanderbilt
There have been a lot of classic games played in this old stadium in the Land of Elvis.
This one may not be a “classic”, but it’s going to be a good one.
Thank you, Thank you very much….
COMMODORES 24-21

Chick-fil-A Bowl
Virginia and Auburn
Conventional wisdom says that the Southeastern Conference is an underdog in this game.
I am neither conventional nor very wise and I can give references to support that claim.
WAR DAMN EAGLE 23-21

I will have another favorite Christmas story on the wire tomorrow.

Next week we will have the final installment of the College Bowls and a few surprises as well.

So Stay Tuned…

Enjoy your Bowl Games…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I shared this brief Christmas Story last year with you all and a good many of you commented on how much you enjoyed reading it and requested that I post it again this year.

So here it is, I do hope you enjoy it.

Two weeks ago the University of North Alabama Lions fell in the Division II College Playoffs on their home field in Florence Alabama.

I mention this because I played on that football field as a young boy.

In fact for a brief period of time, I lived right down the street from the current stadium.

I used to go up there every chance I got, just to run up and down the field.

Pretending to play college football and imagining victory’s won in the last second.

And that got me to thinking about a Christmas I spent there as a boy…..
And the “Post Christmas”……

So I share this little story with you……

I hope you enjoy it…..

Merry Christmas to you all….

Bullets in the Fire

At the risk of sounding like one of those old men I used to listen to as a kid harping on the youth of today, I have to say, some young kids today don’t realize how good they have it.

Between the drive thru meals and the video games it’s no wonder they don’t have appreciation for those things in life one has to work and strive to attain.

If you think I am pointing a finger at you, then you would be wrong.

I am pointing at myself as well.

I remember a time, not that long ago…

In a little house close to the railroad tracks, just down the road from what is now the University of North Alabama. In fact, when the freight trains rolled by everyday the entire house would shake as if from an earthquake. We could feel the clack-clack of the big wheels against steel tracks and the lonely blasts of the horns as the endless trains passed.

It was January and Alabama was hit with an unusually bitter cold spell.
The silhouettes of lifeless trees looked like shadows against the grey skies.
The blistering cold winds caused the entire house to creek as it labored to keep the heat of the fireplace trapped within its midst.

I was six years old and I was living with a family that also had a grandparent and grandmother living with them.

This particular Saturday two neighbors arrived and they were all warming themselves next to the fireplace in the little clapboard house next to the railroad tracks.

As I recall there were a total of eleven people in that little house that Saturday.
There were the foster parents, her father and mother, their two children, myself and two other foster children to work the fields and live stock across the tracks and the two neighbors from down the road.

Eleven in all on this cold morning most of which were huddled close to the fire talking all at once about a variety of subjects. Myself and the other kids all about the same age just got in from feeding the hogs, the two cows and cleaning the stalls to find ourselves hurried to the kitchen for the customary bowl of oatmeal.

My rumbling stomach could wait…
I had other pursuits in mind….

The grandfather who lived there liked me…
Maybe it’s because as a veteran of World War I
That’s right I said World War I…

I listened intently to his every story and asked a variety of questions all of which he answered patiently.
His Daughter and son in law didn’t seem to care what he had done in the Great War and neither did any of the other grandchildren or foster kids.
Me, I loved every minute of it.
I called him Mister Chuck and he called me Sonny.

Mister Chuck would say “Sonny you want to hear a story about the Great War?”
In a loud and resounding voice shouting yes sir! I would be at his feet quick as a rabbit.

I can still see him in my mind’s eye, setting in that rocking chair in his overalls, smoking a filter less cigarette staring into the fireplace as he told his stories; his mind drifting off to the battlefields of Europe and fighting the Hun.

Mister Chuck was a good and decent man.

A few weeks before this story…
It was Christmas..
There wasn’t much to go around for the foster kids in that house or anybody else for that matter.
But Mister Chuck made sure we all got new socks and Miss Annie (his wife) had knitted each of us a nice warm stocking cap.

But Mister Chuck had something special in mind for me….
Mister Chuck always carried tucked in his overalls, a Smith & Wesson Russian Model .44 caliber revolver.

He would occasionally unload it and let me carry it and even let me pretend to shoot it.
I would practice my sight picture imagining unknown marauders and the Kaiser’s Boys across the field, preparing to storm our defensive position.

That pistol was almost as long as my arm and at the time felt like it weighted a metric ton.
But I loved it.

Anytime he would unload the massive revolver he would let me put those big .44 caliber bullets in my pocket and even carry them around most of the day.
The bullets consisted of a huge chunk of lead attached to a real brass cartridge.
I felt like an ammo carrier preparing to make it to the trenches to resupply my brothers on the front lines.

So on this Christmas with no one around Mister Chuck said he knew how much I enjoyed playing with those bullets, so he gave me ten of the .44 Russian caliber bullets.
He got down on the floor with me and told me to imagine them as soldiers and with my imagination they could be whatever I wanted them to be.
It was an awesome gift.

At night I would wrap them in an old handkerchief and put them under my pillow and during the day I carried them with me everywhere I went.
I would play with those bullets every chance I got.
I would line them up on the floor and imagining all kinds of warfare in far away and exotic locations.

On this cold Saturday in January I was in a corner playing with my “soldiers” as the children ate their oatmeal in the kitchen and while the adults huddled near the fire place, some seated and others standing talking about whatever adults talk about.
In the middle of the group set Mister Chuck, staring into the fire.

I was in the process of relieving the beleaguered 101st Airborne Division at Bastogne in the corner of the room near a little table with my bullet soldiers, when the “incident” happened.

The man of the house and the son-in-law of Mister Chuck left the fireplace and came over to the table where I was playing. As he retrieved something from the top of the table his boot hit my “soldiers” and sent them scattering.

The man of the house saw the look of surprise on my young face and perhaps a hint of disgust as well.

He told me in no uncertain terms that I had no business playing with those bullets
He then told me to get rid of them right now or I would get a beating.

To this day I am not sure if everyone huddled around the fireplace heard the dispute, I know Mister Chuck certainly didn’t. Not that it has any real bearing on the rest of the story, but what happened next seem to start in slow motion.

My feelings were hurt and yes I was embarrassed, but more than that I was mad.
So with tears in my eyes, I gathered up my bullets in both hands and walked confidently towards the fireplace.

I walked between two adults who were talking about something or another and unceremoniously pitched all ten .44 caliber bullets into the roaring fire.

I can still the brass turning over in the air as they left my hands
The moment was frozen in time.

Until the Son In law who unbeknownst to me had witnessed the entire episode from across the room yelled
“There’s Bullets in the Fire!”

That was about the time the first rounds started detonating in the fireplace.
Was it ever loud!

I have never seen so many people running so fast in my life; how so many of them squeezed through the front door of that little house at the same time amazes me to this day.

That little living room looked like the deck of the Titanic.

While the crowd panicked Mister Chuck never left his rocking chair, I can still hear him laughing over the explosions in the fireplace.
He was laughing so hard he was crying, despite the fact embers hit him from the explosions and left burning, smoking holes on the legs of his overalls and in the arms of his flannel shirt.

I had a firsthand account of these events as I conveniently watched the fireworks display and subsequent scrabbling for safety from behind Mister Chuck’s rocking chair.

By the time the last round exploded and with ringing in my ears and the smell of cordite hanging in the air, the crowd slowly made their way back into the house, and I don’t think I need to mention the adults were something less than pleased with my actions, even Miss Annie looked like she was thrown from a truck.

Once Mister Chuck’s son-in-law came into the house, he grabbed me by the straps of my overalls and jerked me to me feet.
I knew I was done for
That was until Mister Chuck said
“Let that boy go”.
Nobody messed with Mister Chuck.

Mister Chuck stood up from his rocking chair and calmly asked me what happened.
When the Son-in-law tried to interrupt, Mister Chuck just held up his hand to silence his protests.

In my fear I recounted the story and Mister Chuck nodded his head, patted me on the shoulder and said, nobody is whipping this boy today. Sonny let’s go get you some more of them bullets.
And he did

I didn’t get a whipping that day, or any other day while I was in that home.
Only Mister Chuck and I talked and laughed about the incident later, nobody else dared bring the subject up for fear of making the son-in-law mad.

All either of us had to say was
“There’s Bullets in the Fire!”
And we would erupt with laughter.
Each and every time we talked about it, Mister Chuck would laugh just as hard as he did the day it happened and he would always say, “That was the funniest damn thing I ever saw”.

I left there the next year and I never forgot Mister Chuck and Miss Annie.
I didn’t see a lot of Mister Chuck as the years moved on and I kept up with them as best I could as I was growing up. But Mister Chuck never forgot me.

He made sure before he died that “Sonny” received the pistol he loved so much as a little boy.

Sometimes everything works out just like it’s supposed to.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

The people I see, I think are invisible to the naked eye.
In other words I can see them but you can’t. Ghosts?
No, they aren’t ghosts; at least I don’t think so.
Some may be Ghosts of what they once were. Am I confusing you?

Well, it’s just like the other morning.
I thought I saw something standing out of the wind at the front of an old downtown shop. It was around 7:30 on Saturday morning.
Was it ever cold and there was a moment there I really felt like the wind was going to cut me in half.
As I leaned into the wind and walked up to the storefront I passed a man and a woman that never saw it.
Seriously, that never saw it.
Looked right at “It.” But never saw it.
That is how I figured out that some of these people are invisible.
Because, other people look “right” at them and they don’t seem to really SEE them. You know what I mean?

I am not very good at guessing ages. Never have been.
If I had that particular job at the carnival, I would starve to death.
I say that because as I approached the figure in the storefront, I couldn’t tell how old she was.

But if I had to guess, I would say that she was closer to seventy that she was sixty.
She was shivering and her body was shaking. I asked her if she had gloves.
She nodded her head in an affirmative manner.
I asked her if I could get her anything.
She moved her head from side to side slowly that indicated a negative response to my question.
So I asked her, if I could get her a hot cup of coffee.
A smile broke from under her scarf and a soft voice said, “Yes, please.”
I told her that I would be right back, and I sprinted the 40 or fifty yards to the Seven-Eleven Store and purchased a large hot coffee and then walked quickly back to where she was standing in the storefront. She took it from my hands and I watched her soak up the warmth of the coffee in the Styrofoam cup, holding it close to her face.
Before I could ask her if she needed anything else, she smiled and that same soft voice said, “Thank You”. We exchanged a smile and I was on my way.

I didn’t know who she was.
But I know that she is a human being.
With the same organs you and I have.
She has eyes, feelings, memories and dreams.
She is no different than the guy I talked to an hour later inside the chain link fence, where the dumpster’s are located behind the convenience store near the bridge.
I gave him one of my old sleeping bags, and a wool sweater.
I bought him a cup of coffee and I listened to him talk as we sit in that cold and windy place.
He has feelings. He has memories and dreams. He is not what he once was. A
s a kid it never occurred to him that he would be where he is now.

They are not invisible. Are they? We see them you and I.
They are our brothers and our sisters.
They are our fellow citizens.
Please see them this Holiday Season.
Please think of them. Please pray for them.
Please give them that touch, and let them know that you care.

Merry Christmas

RTR
MEB

It’s time to go Bowling and as promised your first installment of the 2011 Bowl Games.

Just a few games on tap until next week, but there is enough to keep you interested.

There is more on the way, a lot more so stay tuned

Enjoy your Bowl Games…..

Saturday December 17th

Semi-Final College Football Playoff
Georgia Southern at North Dakota State
Conventional wisdom would say that the Thundering Bison have an advantage over the Eagles in this matchup due to the weather in the beautiful Dakota’s this time of year.
But just one thing…..
They are playing the game in a Dome…
SOUTHERN EAGLES 34-24

The GILDAN New Mexico Bowl
Temple and Wyoming
What the Hell is a “GILDAN”, isn’t that something you get from setting on toilet seats at Greyhound bus stations? Maybe they should have called this the “Penicillin Bowl”
I’m just saying…
COWBOY UP! 28-24

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
Ohio and Utah State
Really, a “Famous Potato Bowl”, really?
What’s next the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Bowl?
FRANK’S KATS 38-34

R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
San Diego State and Louisiana Lafayette
Who came with an idea to have a “carrier” for a bowl sponsor?
It’s the cold and flu season for God’s sake..
SEMI-RAGIN CAJUNS 31-28

Tuesday December 20th

Beef O’Brady’s Bowl St Petersburg
Florida International and Marshall
I have but one thing to say about this Bowl game….
It sounds like it’s sponsored by a Male Stripper….
WE ARE MARSHALL 28-21

Wednesday December 21st

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Texas Christian and Louisiana Tech
You know your Bowl game has too many sponsors…
When the name of the Bowl won’t fit on the back of a football jersey, enough said.
HORNED FROGS 43-24

Thursday December 22nd

MAACO Bowl Las Vegas
Arizona State and Boise State
MAACO, isn’t that the name of a Shark?
If that’s the case shouldn’t this game have been sponsored by Sea World?
BLUE BRONCOS 43-38

Enjoy your Bowls and I will see you all next week with more….

Stay Tuned and Enjoy your weekend

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s time once again for the coveted 2011 CFB Wizard Awards!

Now I know that many of you will be going about your Christmas chores this time of year and may feel that you are too busy or perhaps have fallen behind in shopping for the various gifts on your Christmas list to enjoy this prestigious of all College Football Awards article.

It’s time to take a break and pour a glass of that “special” eggnog, kick your feet up and relax.

The Award Show is about to begin…

Enjoy….

2011 COLLEGE FOOTBALL REPLAY

Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator finished the week at 6 and 1 with my only loss due to the Fighting Okra getting fried to a crisp in the Division II Playoffs.

So for the last week of the College Football Season the CFB Wizard was 86%

We close the 2011 College Football Season at 710 and 192 or 79%.

That’s a whole lot of college football game picking my friends

Now before you start to get your Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer underwear in a knot because the college football season is over, let me remind you that we still have the Bowl games to discuss and maybe a story or two to keep you entertained during the Christmas season.

So Stay Tuned…

But before I forget, I hope you all have a Very Merry Christmas or a Happy Hanukkah or a Crazy Kwanza or a Randy Ramadan or whatever it is people celebrate now days.

And as a holiday safety tip….

If you are approached by what would appear to be one of “Santa’s Elves” in your local Shopping Mall and he asks you “if you would like to see the free summer sausage give away”

Don’t say a word, just avert your eyes, turn around and go find a policeman.

And before you ask “No” I don’t want to talk about it

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Hello from the heart of SEC country!!!

Well, High School football season is officially over now.
All the championship trophies have been given out, lights turned out in the stadiums and fields, and the kids have moved on to basketball and other activities. It’s always a little sad when winter sets in and I get up on Saturdays to find the sports pages now feature stories of Bowl games and basketball and the High School football tales have faded away. But, that’s the way it’s always been and will always be. I’ll continue to keep an eye out for a little recruiting news from the colleges or some Telfair High basketball or baseball write ups, biding my time, until the Friday Night Lights of the fall once again light the stage for another encore performance of a game we all love so dearly.

But there was one game that I watched Saturday that should have been on the National Stage. Ghosts of Erk were stirring in Statesboro once again as the Georgia Southern Eagles played another game on their road to the Football Championship Subdivision National Championship. And oh, what a game it was. This game featured running and passing, penalties and turnovers, and was in doubt until the last few ticks of the clock. That bust of Erk in the endzone of “The Prettiest Little Stadium in America” surely smiled as he gazed on the scene as these proud Birds clawed their way to a hard earned 35-23 victory over a feisty bunch of Maine Black Bears. Jaybo Shaw, the transfer quarterback from North Avenue, scored 2 touchdowns on the ground and 1 through the airways as the Eagles racked up 476 yards of total offense on a chilly day beside Eagle Creek. Chipping in with another couple of touchdowns and 99 yards on the ground was JJ Wilcox, a Junior Running Back from Cairo, Ga. And for those of you that don’t know, down here it’s called “Kay-row”.

Also contributing were Dominique Swope, a Freshman from Buford, Ga, Jonathon Bryant, another Cairo native, Nico Hickey, of Columbus, Darreion Robinson, an Athens native, and bruiser Robert Brown from Macon. After a difficult week last week against Old Dominion, the defense stiffened early and held the Bruins to under 75 rushing yards. In fact, the Eagles had the ball in the first quarter for 14 of 15 minutes after an interception of the Black Bears on their second play of the game and 2 time consuming drives by the Eagles. The Blue Birds sent the Bears home with the Statesboro Blues as a late interception by corner Jerrick McKinnon, a converted quarterback from Marietta, sealed the deal for the home team. At that point, and as is tradition at Paulson stadium, the rowdy and fired up fans pulled out and shook their car keys, symbolically telling the visiting Bears to drive home safely. Next up for the Eagles is a tough and gritty North Dakota State Bison team at their house in Fargo, ND. I’m sure Coach Jeff Monken will carry on the tradition of bringing a little of that beautiful Eagle Creek water with him to bless the North Dakota State field with and bring these high flying Birds a little luck in their quest for an unprecedented 8th National Title Crown. Good Luck Eagles!!!!

Looking down the road to the New Year’s festivities our other home state teams will be involved in a little bowl action. Georgia Tech will be taking on Utah in the Sun Bowl in El Paso and the Georgia Bulldogs will travel to Tampa to take on the Michigan State Spartans.

I’m going to steal a little of the Wizards thunder today and make a couple of predictions on these games. I believe that the Red Clay Hounds are gonna have a bitter taste in their mouth after falling to the Bayou Bengals at the SEC Championship Game. That 10 game winning streak wasn’t a fluke. The Spartans will still be smarting after falling to Wisconsin for the Big 10-ish Championship, but I just don’t think they have enough to get it done against a tough SEC defense with revenge on their minds. The Dawgs have enough offense to push them over the top on this one, so, I picking the Canines in a close one, 24-21.

Meanwhile, The Wreck was up and down at times this season. After losing 4 of their last 6, the question is, will the defense step up and show some heart and will the Utes, with over a month to prepare, be able to stop the Stingers’ offense? There’s a lot on the line for the Slide Rule Jocks as they want to finish strong and go into next year’s recruiting battles with positive momentum. I’m feeling another close one with the Bee’s pulling off a 28-27 nail biter.
Let’s hope our home state heroes play well!!!

In closing, this edition, I wanted to share with you some things that I thought about while reviewing and pondering this 2011 College Football Season.

I like Mark Richt. Stoic. Unemotional on the sideline. He’s taken a lot of heat over the years because he’s “unemotional” and doesn’t get “fired up” on the sidelines. For those who think this is what wins championships and ballgames think about this. I never remember Bear Bryant or Vince Dooley doing cartwheels on the sidelines and those two gentlemen did a pretty respectable job over their tenures.

I like the workmanlike attitude of the Alabama Crimson Tide. I seldom, if ever, saw the chest thumping and self adulation after making a play by any of Nick Saban’s team.
Play like you been there before. That kind of sums it up

I like the traditions of football in the South.
They’re still alive and will probably live on until the end of time.
The tailgating.
Howard’s Rock at Clemson.
Toomer’s Corner in Auburn.
The Grove at Oxford.
UGA, the great mascot of the University of Georgia.
Revered symbols of Southern tradition. We can’t celebrate the old South without offending the politically correct, but we can, by God, beat the snot out of your football team and send you back up North or out West with your tail between your legs. Maybe this is what was meant by that saying, “The South shall rise again.” It has.

I like Saturdays in the South. Not all of us can go to Athens, Atlanta, Gainesville, or Columbia. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t loyal fans. As someone should have said, “We cling to our Bibles and Guns…. and our favorite college football teams.” We work the fields or cut the lawns, rake the leaves and wash the cars, around the most sacred time of the week; Kickoff.

I like my boys. They’re not big jocks. They weren’t overachieving athletes in High School.
In fact, my two oldest only played baseball in their High School days. The youngest played a little peewee football and seemed to have a knack for it but never pursued it as he got older. My oldest and youngest are Bulldog fans. My middle son is a Tech fan. I’m split between the two. But, the bottom line, and most important thing is that they are all college football fans.
No matter how much of a strained relationship that we may have had from time to time while they were growing up, we always had that common bond of College Football. College Football has been described as a religion here in the South, and that’s true. But it’s more. It is a meeting place for us to share joy, or make peace with each other after a terrible disagreement. It’s a bond between fathers and sons. Mothers and daughters. Parents and kids.

Well, that’s about all I’ve got for this week. I hope I haven’t bored you with some of my personal insights. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.

And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Sir,

As a leading advocate for college athletics and collegiate activities, I felt compelled to send you a note of explanation for why the prestigious institution of higher learning that I represent has decided not to play the National Anthem prior to sporting events.

We here at Goshen College, are representatives of the Mennonite church. We have a pacifist outlook on life and conduct ourselves by staying true to those pacifist traditions. We utterly abhor violence and aggression. You see, we feel that it is against our principles to use war as a way of defending our country. We could use much more civil and humane ways of defense to do so. For example, if Canada were to try to invade our sovereign nation, we propose that all Marines and Soldiers line up at the border and hold hands. Canada’s troops would do the same. At this point the opposing “warriors” would play a rousing game of Red Rover!!!

No one would get hurt, save a few strained biceps but it would be completely safe and act as a team building exercise between our two nations. As a matter of fact, in light of our pacifist traditions, we recently proposed some rule changes to the NCAA regarding the violence exhibited on the football field.
One of those was that rather than tackling an opponent who is carrying the ball, that we instead have a defender impede the progress of an opposing running back, ask him to lay down in a prone position, and then have said defender lay gently atop said offensive player. This will instill a kind of gentle aura to the heretofore violent nature of this game.

I hope you understand and support our position.

Thank You
Jim Brenneman
President
Goshen College

A: To tell you the truth……
I had a difficult time reading your email with my Gay-Dar going off…

Q: MR WIZARD!!!!!!!!!

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!
Have you been watching those NFL games on the television?
HAVE YOU SEEN MY DREAMBOAT AND ALL TIME LOVE OF MY LIFE MR TIM TEEBOW DO HIS THANG!!!!???? Lordy, I caint hardly stand myself right now!!!

I watched that Broncos and Chicargo game and just about tee-teed in my paints I was so EXCITED!!! He went and won hisself another one of those big games!!! And do you know what else? Well, let me tell you because I betcha don’t!! Remember that lady comedic girl Mrs Carol Burnett? Remember how she’d go to tuggin and pullin on her ear at the end of her show to give a shout out or say howdy to somebody special?

Well, guess what my momma Raylene told me?? She said that whenever my darling and sugar dumpling Tim Tebow went to wiping his nose that it was a special SHOUT OUT TO ME!!!!!

I sat there Sunday glued to my TV set and he musta wiped his nose about a dozen times!!! Did you see???? AND THAT WAS FOR ME!!!!! I get goose pimples just thinking about that!!!

The only thing that kinda concerned me was that there was a couple of times that he actually stuck a finger in his nose. Do you suppose that means what I think it means? I mean I’m not that kinda girl and he’s a fine young man and I don’t think he’d do such a thing when we barely know each other. But then, I got to thinkin about that Presdent we had by the name of Bill Clinton when he got in that trouble with that little secretary girl Marsha Lowenstien and how he said that some things folks do to each other aint really sex and I just don’t know.

Mr Wizard, do you think that Tim Tebow wants to perform some carnal act of nature on me? Please let me know. I don’t want to get knocked up and be a unwed mother.

Our trailer house aint quite big enough for another baby. I’m depending on you Mr Wizard!!!

Tracy in Homassassa

A: Before you get too lathered up Tracy, have you asked Santa for your Timmy this Christmas?

Q: Dear Jackass

I can’t believe somebody hasn’t run your dumbass out of town over all the crap you write about some football teams, there must be a whole bunch of folks from Trojans to War Eagles that would like to string you up!

You must have more enemies than Iran by now; do you have to leave your house in a disguise to go to the grocery store? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

Anonymous – Columbus, Ohio

A: Well “Anonymous” it’s a lot like when Johnny Cash sings….
“Wanted man in California,
Wanted man in Buffalo
Wanted man in Kansas City,
Wanted man in Ohio

Wanted man in Mississippi,
Wanted man in ole’ Cheyenne

Wherever you might look tonight you might see this wanted man

I might be in Colorado,
Or Georgia by the sea
Working for some man who may not know who I might be

If you ever see me coming and if you know who I am

Don’t you breathe it to nobody ’cause you know I’m on the lamb.”

EDITORS NOTE: Anytime I can work in a Johnny Cash quote it’s going to be a good day

THE 2011 CFB WIZARD AWARDS

The Michael Jackson Never Land Ranch Award

The winner of this award goes to former Penn State Defensive Coordinator Jerry Sandusky for reasons that should be abundantly obvious.

EDITORS NOTE: Like you I have read several articles from a number of publications that stated that the other coaches on the Penn State staff, to include the head coach “should have known” something was going on with Jerry Sandusky.

I am confused by such comments and I will tell you why…
Because it’s very difficult to say what goes on with someone when you are not at work with them, even if you work long hours together over long periods of time.

If someone you work with has a drinking problem, you might, on an occasion smell alcohol on their breath, but in this case I would think it would be more difficult to detect the smell of cotton candy and ten year old boy butt.

I’m sorry, Too soon?

Santa’s Little Helper Award

This is a new award is presented to that college football team or individual that has exhibited the ability to touch lives around the country through their work “Off the Football Field”

The first recipient of this very important award goes to none other than…..

Former Ohio State Buckeye Coach Jim Tressel for his extensive and noteworthy performance in the popular children’s Christmas Program “Santa Opens a Tattoo Parlor”.

Congratulations Jim!

Quotable Coach of the Year Trophy

The winner of the “Coach’s Quote of the Year Trophy” goes to Montana Tech Coach Bob Green when he said; “Those guys we are playing this week are rougher than a Pine Cone toilet seat”

Enjoy a few more classic sound bites from Coach Green here, they are priceless.
Click on the picture and enjoy….

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Two Bits, Four Bits, Six Bits a Dollar everyone that has a head coach whose wife looks like a ten dollar hooker stand up and Holler Award

This unusual Award goes to none other than the Arizona Wildcats for hiring Rich Rodriguez who felt obligated to bring his wife Rita to the “Welcome to Arizona” news conference.

And although Rita Rod was dressed more like a five dollar crack whore, she was the closest contestant to winning this prestigious honor.

Who am I kidding she was the only one in the running.

Congratulations, I think

The Ebonics Geography Award

This prestigious award goes to the team and or conference that exhibits a complete lack of geographical awareness and the winner is…..

The Big East Conference

Who recently added Boise State, San Diego State, Houston, SMU and Central Florida to their (BIG EAST) conference and unless I missed something there isn’t anything “EAST” about any of the teams mentioned above.

Newest Catch Phrase that can be used in Almost Any Situation Award

The latest “catch phrase” that can be used in almost any situation:

“The Monkey Turd fell off the Cheese”

As in….

Stanford’s Andrew Luck looked like he was going to win the Heisman Trophy and then his Monkey Turd fell off the cheese”

EDITORS NOTE: No need to thank me for this phrase, it’s what I do. I’m a trend setter.

Mystery of the Year Award

This Award sponsored in part by Agatha Christie goes to none other than the Kansas Jayhawks who have created quite the mystery by making us all wonder…..

Is there a minimum weight requirement to be the head football Coach at Kansas?

Lewis Grizzard Award for Media Savvy and Abstract Thought

This award named after the greatest Southern humorist that ever lived…..

The award goes to the former Head Coach of Coastal Carolina Bennett Presser for this post game news conference this past season which quickly became a YouTube sensation.

Sadly the University let Coach Presser go at the end of the season after posting a 7 -5 record, but his words will live forever in our hearts.

Click here to view the embedded video.

That Drunk Guy at the Game Award

This award is given annually to the guy who best represents his or her University or college as the most obnoxious or stupid representative of their fine institution while under the influence of alcohol at a college football game.

The runner-up in a very close contest…..
From burning their own respective couches to tackling trashcans, the Mighty West Virginia Mountaineer Fans are always in the running for this award.

Click here to view the embedded video.

And the Winner is…..

This Ohio State Fan representin’ the Buckeyes.
This example of excellence in over intoxication will forever be remembered for his efforts and the indelible stains left on the floor. AND, he gives Ohio State a big win in SOMETHING this year, so congratulations!

Frankly the video is simply to gross to show….
But suffice to say I think at some point we have all seen vomit….

How Proud his parents must be….
Now THAT is money well spent on a quality education!

The National Spelling Bee Award

The Winner is……
Auburn University for their perennial prowess in misspelling their own name

The Phil Fulmer Award sponsored by Krispy Kreme

This award goes to Kansas Jayhawk Coach Charlie Weiss who continues to defy the forces of nature and gravity by eating his weight in Ding Dongs, Hot Dogs and Bear Claws on a daily basis.

The Worst Mascot in Collegiate Sports Award

I really don’t see any University ever unseating the Geoducks of Evergreen State for this award.

That mascot looks like ah, well you know…..

Click here to view the embedded video.

The “Our Cheerleaders Are Also On The Scout Team” Award

This award goes to those precious girls roaming the sidelines of Georgia’s Sanford Stadium. This Bulldog eye candy is 100% Prime Cut Beef and will kick your ass if you don’t stand up for the National Anthem.

The Collard Greens Award for Southern Sports Writing presented by the Demopolis Alabama Agriculture Extension Office in Beautiful Demopolis Alabama.

Modesty prevents me from telling you the first four time winner of this prestigious award in Southern Sports writing is none other than Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator.

Your adulation embarrasses me…

Have a Great Weekend…
Your first installment on the Bowl picks will be out tomorrow, so stay tuned…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I promised a couple of surprises this Christmas Season…..

And I recognize that these stories don’t have a lot to do with College Football.

But College Football, like certain experiences in life builds character.

God Bless the Characters with Character in your lives this Christmas.

I hope you enjoy this Christmas Story, there are a few more on the way

Enjoy….

SHADOWS and STUKAS

I was nine years old, it was Christmas 1967 and I wanted to fly.

I worked on a farm, tilling the red dirt in Upper Alabama (there is no such thing as “Northern” Alabama) and lived in a state funded household. In other words, as a ward of the state, I lived and worked in a family’s home and they were provided a monetary supplement by the state. I was a hired hand with no wages to be paid.
In this particular case, I worked for Mr. James Lloyd, or “Big Jim”, as he like to be called by other men.

I worked at first light until it was time for me to walk to school.
There was always plenty of work to do.
Immediately following school, I worked until dark, ate supper and went to bed.
The only break to the ritual was during the weekends, when I worked from before the sun came up over the horizon until well after dark.
My days consisted of a lot of work.

I tried to stay in the shadows and keep a low profile during my days on the farm. I was fearful of arousing the wrath of my foster family and in particular that of Mister James Lloyd, I went out of my way to avoid drawing attention to myself. This included school, where I walked the halls in homemade overalls and boots that were well worn and to big for my feet.
I tried very hard to blend in with the scenery and keep to the shadows. Being a “problem” meant getting a beating by Big Jim, and I didn’t want to be a “problem”.

However, in September of that year I saw something in K-Mart that I wanted more than anything in this world. I saw something I had never seen before in my short life.

Glimmering in the light of the store was a Cox gas powered German Stuka airplane. Its coal black gull wings reflected the ceiling lights as it lay on the top shelf. It was the most magnificent thing I had ever seen. Further examination of the craft reveled a cockpit, with a plastic lifelike pilot, real rubber tires, and a bomb attached to the darkened underbelly. The owner of such a fine creation could “actually” fly it. It was a matter of following the instructions, preparing the airplane, starting the engine, and soaring into the sky.
No sacrifice was too great. I had to have this airplane. It cost almost twenty dollars.

For those of you not familiar with this particular line of Cox gas powered airplanes let me take a moment to provide you with just some of the details of this wonderful airplane.
The Stuka had a wingspan of three feet, controlled by two guide wires, which connected to a master handle that allowed the controller or “pilot” to fly the airplane. The propeller had a diameter of approximately eight inches. This was a man’s machine. No doubt about it.

Oblivious to my own safety, I asked Mr. Lloyd for an increase in my allowance for my labor. The state required children who were wards of the state, who worked as farm labor, receive a just compensation for their labors. My “just” compensation came to a dollar a week. I needed more if I was going to get that Stuka.

Big Jim’s initial reaction was something less than positive. By trying to hit me with a shovel and calling me an ungrateful bastard in a rather loud voice, I quickly determined that another course of action was in order.

I figured the only possible way I had to get the Stuka was to save my money and then buy it for myself for Christmas.
I had time to save the money and I was assured of getting something for Christmas. It was a plan that couldn’t fail.

I began hording the money allotted to me for milk during lunch. The money that went to purchasing a milk card once a month now went to the “Stuka Christmas Fund”. Between my dollar a week, milk money and raking the church parking lot and picnic area once a month for a dollar. I would have just enough for the Stuka by Christmas. I had to be very careful and save.

I volunteered to help with carrying the various items just to make the trip to K-Mart, so I could see “my” airplane. It looked more impressive each time I saw it.
When I wasn’t working on the farm, I was fantasizing about flying the magnificent craft. I thought about it all the time. The black Stuka flew all the time in all of my dreams.

I sweated dollar bills and nickels each week. Figuring, and adding to make sure I would have just enough for the present of a lifetime.
Surely this would be something I would cherish, if not for the rest of my life, then certainly for a very long time.

Sometime during Thanksgiving, a drunken Big Jim Lloyd, informed me that I shouldn’t expect anything for Christmas.
I announced that I had saved enough money to purchase a Cox, gas powered Stuka for myself for Christmas, all I needed was a ride to K-Mart so I could purchase it.
I saw a look of total amazement on those faces.
Then good ole Jim offered his words of encouragement; by stating “You won’t be able to fly that damn thing”.
The gauntlet had been thrown. I would fly it and show them all.

I worked and saved and counted my money every week as I had done from the first of September. I was going to have enough money and Big Jim was going to take me to K-Mart the week before Christmas to pick up my Stuka. I could hardly wait for the day to arrive and time seem to crawl until the week before Christmas.

The appointed time finally came around and I can honestly say, that I have never been prouder of a single purchase in my entire life.
It was mine.
All the hard work and saving, was worth all the sacrifice.
That coal black Stuka was mine.
Big Jim drank and sang with the radio all the way back to the farm that Saturday morning and I can’t recall a single thing he may have said.
My eyes were fixed on that wonderful airplane setting in my lap.
I was speechless.

I removed the Flying instructions before I wrapped it and placed it under the tree.
I wanted to memorize every single bolt, nut and pin in that aircraft. I wanted to learn everything before its maiden voyage.

I memorized every detail in the “flying manual”. I knew everything from the starting sequence to the proper angle for landing and how to taxi in a cross wind. I was so ready for Christmas to come. My next step was to convince, or beg if necessary, Big Jim to take me sometime during Christmas to the A&P grocery store parking lot to fly it.

By the time Christmas Eve rolled around I was as anxious as a cat in a rocking chair factory. Christmas Eve passed, with me being fortunate enough to gage Big Jim’s liquor intake to catch him in a joyous mood. He gladly consented to my request to be taken to the grocery parking lot in town on Christmas day.
Everything had fallen into place.

At the crack of dawn I was awake and unceremoniously opened my pre-wrapped Christmas gift. The Stuka was just incredible. I took to the task of preparing her for flight and closely followed all the pre-flight instructions for rigging the plane. In a few short hours I would be in control, flying the Stuka through the cold Christmas morning air.

The rest of the group was soon awake and unwrapping gifts and Big Jim began drinking to chase his hangover away. After a few stiff belts of Old Crow and Coca-Cola Big Jim told me get in the truck and yelled for his son Timmy to get his coat, he was going too.

The ride was cold in the front seat of that old Chevy pick-up truck and although it took nearly half an hour to get to town, I was so very excited to start flying “my” Stuka.

The moment soon arrived when we pulled into the empty parking lot and I grabbed Timmy to assist me and left Big Jim mixing himself another early morning pick me up in the pick up truck.

Due to the cold weather, it took me what I thought was a long time to start the Stuka. We bent over that plane. Timmy would hold the tail section while I gassed the engine and turned the propeller. It would shudder and begin to start and in a moment, the engine would sputter and die.
Big Jim had taken his refreshment to the rear of the vehicle and offered his encouragement by shouting, “It ain’t going to work!” each time the engine would stall.

What seemed like forever, fighting the cold bile of fear in the back of my throat that Big Jim would grow too restless and have us go back to the house without ever having flown, The Stuka’s engine started and sustained a steady rhythmic whine. I still remember how the exhaust smelled that December morning.

The big moment had arrived. The Stuka’s engine was humming loudly, Timmy was holding the tail section of the plane and I had taken the handle with the two control wires firmly in my hand, holding my wrist with the other for extra support. Everything was perfect.

Some moments in life seem to take place simultaneously in slow motion and at warp speed and are remembered in just that way. Often this occurs when expectations and reality of a specific event or circumstances collide, resulting, more often than not, in a victory for reality. Reality, like gravity, will get you every single time.

In my mind, I saw the Stuka taxi in the parking lot, as I tightened the control wires and began walking in a circle, slowly lifting the plane into the sky, climbing in altitude as I controlled every aspect of the aircraft from my single handgrip control. After an extended flight, the Stuka would begin a gradual descent, gently touch its wheels to the asphalt, and taxi to a halt.
Thus ending a perfect maiden flight.

What happened that day began in slow motion. My heart was beating like a lab rabbit. I had a firm grip, on the handgrip and the slack was out of the control wires. I slowly nodded to Timmy to release his hold on the tail section. Rather than the “expected” slow taxi, the Stuka leapt straight into the sky some three feet from Timmy.
In the flash of an instant the Stuka was climbing almost completely vertical to the horizon.
Despite the fact that maybe five seconds had elapsed since Timmy had released the Stuka, I was now firmly in the panic mode and things were moving way too fast.

In one second, using the controller’s handgrip, I attempted an emergency maneuver to bring the plane under control and the next instant it was plunging at hyper speed straight towards the asphalt.

The high whine of the gas powered airplane engine was followed closely by the sound of the Stuka making contact at a high rate of speed with the parking lot. The sudden and complete silence was broken only by pieces of the plane falling back to earth following its rather abrupt stop.

The next few seconds I stood in stunned silence holding the controllers handgrip and watching the guide wires dance in the wind attached to nothing.

My shock was broken when Big Jim yelled, “Pick up what ever is left and lets get home so the rest of us can enjoy our Christmas.” I did as I was told and picked up what was left of my beloved Stuka and placed the remains in an old liquor box.

I held the broken pieces of my dream clutched in my lap on the ride home as Big Jim reminded me that he “knew” that damn thing wasn’t going to fly.

I have never forgotten that Christmas morning and have often retold this story as my favorite and, yes, funniest Christmas adventure.

As I have gotten older, I have had a chance to review and analyze the details surrounding my dream of flying that Cox gas powered Stuka.
I have come to one very important and complete truth.

Big Jim was right about one thing. That Damn thing wasn’t meant to fly.

RTR

MEB

We have come to the last week of the 2011 College Football Season.

The selections and follow-on articles this week will be a little light as I am on a promotional tour, but stay tuned.

In the coming weeks we will have Season Ending Awards and all Your Bowl Games.

And a few weekly “surprises” for you all this Christmas.
After all Santa has informed me that you have been “very” good this past year.

Don’t ever underestimate the reach of Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator

Enjoy your Picks…..

POST CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND REPLAY

With Conference Championship weekend left in Bedlam last week…
The CFB Wizard was 23 and 3 or 88% on Week 14. And that leaves The Wizard at 704 and 191 or 79% overall for the 2011 College Football Season.

It’s hard to believe I have picked 895 College Football games this season.
If I have forgotten to tell you lately…..

Thank you all for coming along on the ride with me this season.
I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoy bringing it to you.

You all make this column a labor of love and I thank you for that.

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC Country!
I’m sorry about dropping out of sight last week but I was so devastated by the loss of Larry Munson that I volunteered myself for cooking duties at the annual Hanesworth family reunion that was held at the Little Olcmulgee State Park last weekend.
You just don’t get any better food fare than all that fried chicken, collard greens, and pecan pies and other fare that the ladies bring to this get together. That is, with the exception of the hogs we barbeque on the pits the night before the big event. We all know that the hometown Telfair Trojans’ season ended a few short weeks ago but we have some good news related to the Boys in Blue. The 2-A All Region Players were announced and Big Blue was well represented this year. Congratulations go out to Big Brandon Roberson, a Senior Offensive lineman, Junior Defensive Lineman Abraham Freeman, Zac “The Mac” Pitt a do everything Senior Linebacker, and Shifty Special Teamer Ladwam Mackley, also a Senior. Junior Running Back Devin Edwards, Sophmore Center Jacob Smith were selected to the second team. Also, a second team selection at Defensive Back was Ladwam Mackley, demonstrating this young man’s versatility.
Congratulations to these hard working young men who have represented us so well this year!!!

Saturday afternoon in Hot’lanta was the day of the Big Game at the Dome.
The SEC Championship, featuring the Champions from East, the Georgia Bulldogs, taking on the Behemoths of the West, the LSU Tigers, in a David and Goliath matchup for all the marbles.
The Red Clay Hounds came out of the gate fast and took a 3-0 lead early, for an early knock down of the Bayou Bengals. It could have been worse as a sure touchdown was dropped in the end zone, but the Field Goal was an early warning to the yellow cats that the Pups were in it to win it. Coach Mark Richt reached into his bag of tricks and stunned the Bayou Bengals by recovering an onside kick on the ensuing kickoff and was set to draw more blood.
However a missed Field Goal left the Canines’ fate in the hands of the defense. Then late in the 1st quarter, Aaron Murray hooked up with shifty Aaron White to go up by ten on the Tigers. In the meantime, the defense was holding the Feline’s to numerous 3 and outs as it looked like if the Hounds could keep up the mo, the upset would be on. But it wasn’t to be. Maybe the pressure was too much for some of these fiesty hounds, as there were numerous drops and miscues that kept the Cow College off the board for the rest of the game. And this fact is what allowed the Swamp Cats the opening they needed to claw their way back into the game and walk away with a 42-10 victory and the SEC Championship. Congrats to the Dawgs, Coach Richt, and Bulldog nation for a great season.

Meanwhile, over by Eagle Creek, the Statesboro Birds were hosting the Old Dominion Monarchs in an FCS championship game that saw over 100 points combined put up on the scoreboard. The Eagles scored on 8 of 10 possessions, and needed every point they got, in holding off a pesky OD team intent on upsetting the 3rd ranked FCS team in the nation. This game was a see-saw battle for most of the day, with each team matching each other score for score much like a couple of heavyweight boxers. But, the Blue Birds defense finally got a stop on the determined Monarchs as they stuffed a 4th and 1 attempt at the Eagles’ 40 yard line. The birds then drove to the Monarchs 2 yard line but were stopped by a fumble. On the next ODU drive, the Monarchs had a miscue of their own, as Lavelle Westbrooks picked up a fumble to give the Eagles another possession. In the end, the Statesboro Blue Birds walked away with a 55-48 win in a game that was in doubt to the end. Next up for the Eagles are the Maine Grizzlies who dispatched App State. Hopefully the mystique of Paulson Stadium will prevail again as the Eagles are 31-3 in postseason play at the “Prettiest Little Stadium in America.”

Up in Charlotte, the Clemson Tigers were looking for a little redemption and consistency as they were trying to right the ship after a big loss to instate rival South Carolina. The heat got turned to white hot on Friday as Gamecock commentator Todd Ellis made a comment that somehow got attributed to Coach Steve Spurrier and the response by Tiger Head Coach Dabo Swinney went right for the jugular. And the Tigers obviously came out with a chip on their shoulder as they swapped blows with the Gobblers in the first half but then put the game away in the second half with 28 unanswered points. The Orange Cats cruised to a 38-10 victory over the Turkeys and earned a spot in the Orange Bowl with the win.

Meanwhile, in Stillwater, Oklahoma the Cowboys broke the Sooners like a 2 year old gelding in a 44-10 shellacking of Oklahoma.
This game was never in doubt as O.K. St broke out to a 24-3 lead and never looked back.
The implications of this game were enormous and puts the BCS National Championship game selection committee in a quandry.
Will they go for the rematch with Bama and LSU? Will they decide that winning that Conference Championship by OK State is enough to put them in the National Championship Game? I guess the answer, according to the BCS bowl committee is an Alabama vs LSU deathmatch for the Heavyweight Championship of the World!!!
This will be better than Mr Wrestling #2 and Andre the Giant in one of their grudge matches from a bygone era.

That’s it for this week from Telfair County.

For those of you that sent The Wizard an email questioning my whereabouts last week; thank you.
Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week. And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.
Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

A BRIEF COLLEGE FOOTBALL COMMENTARY

As you all know by now I don’t mix and match my sports, ater all this column isn’t intended to be the Golden Corral of Sports, were you can get a side plate of soccer with ranch dressing to go along with your college football and then have a selection of NASCAR and Basketball for desert.

No, this column is and will always be about college football.

So I want to talk about one former college football player here.

He was one of the greatest college football players to ever play the game.

He now plays in the National Football League

He is the fodder for comedians and the national media.

The “national” sports media seemingly hates him and do you know why?

Because he’s a good guy, yeah I said it; because he’s a “good” guy
His name is Tim Tebow.

Before you start to roll your eyes and say “Here he goes again”

Let me say this…..

In this age of “professional” sports were its “all about me”
It’s impotant to know that there is at least one guy that is above it all.

With permission from Peter King of Sports Illustrated I reprint this brief article on former Florida Quarterback and Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow and his closing comments after last week’s victory.
Before I let Tebow go, I asked him if anyone after the game — coaches, players, execs — had said anything memorable to him.
“Everybody was happy,” he said, “but I’ll tell you one thing that happened during the week that I remember … ”
Good, I thought. John Fox, maybe, sidling up to him and saying something sportingly profound like, “Son, we’re going to ride that left arm and those legs to the Super Bowl.”

” … I had an opportunity to talk with a kid named Blake Appleton, from Florida, on Thursday. He’s a leukemia patient who’s just been moved to hospice. And after the game, when I was being interviewed on TV, I got to say his name. That’s what I’m proud of today. I let him know people cared about him. I let him know God has a plan for him.”
And that was the end of the Tebow interview.

He had to rush to get on the bus to the airport. Except …
“Have a good day, Mr. King. And God bless you”

EDITORS NOTE: Enough said…..

THE GAMES

Friday December 9th

Northern Iowa at Montana
This game played in beautiful balmy Big Sky Country is the second round of the playoffs in this division of College Football.
It’s going to be a battle in the trenches in the frozen tundra.
As the Good Lord intended football to be played…..
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 28-21

Saturday December 10th

Division II Playoffs
Delta State at Pittsburg State
I know the Gorillas (Yes, I said “Gorillas”) of Pittsburg are favored in this game.
But I am an Okra Man
FIGHTING OKRA 31-28

Army and Navy
This classic matchup is what college football is all about
The name alone brings to mind some of the finest players to ever play the game.
But more than that, it has forged some of the greatest leaders this country has ever known.
May it always be so
GO NAVY 24-17

Montana State at Sam Houston State
The Bobcats are hotter than a stolen pistol but….
Sam Houston is the Hero of San Jacinto and Republic of Texas…
Yeah, it’s like that with me
SAM’S CATS 34-17

Grambling State at Alabama A&M
I have nothing but love, admiration and respect for the Great Grambling football program.
But I can’t go against my Alabama Boys….
BULLDOGS 24-21

Maine at Georgia Southern
I cannot in good conscience pull for any team that is ten miles from the Arctic Circle and promotes “baby seal beating” as an extracurricular activity.
I have too many Navy SEAL friends that would be disappointed in me if I endorsed that kind of behavior.
SOUTHERN EAGLES 38-21

Lehigh at North Dakota State
I cannot and will not pick any school that sounds like it was named after a “smart ass” rich kid.
THUNDERING BISON 34-17

Enjoy Your Games….

And one other thing….

Wednesday 7 December was the 70th Anniversary of the Japanese Attack on Pearl Harbor.

It was “A Day that will Live in Infamy”

I haven’t forgotten that day and I know others haven’t either, but one thing bothers me.

A dear friend of mine sent me this philosophical question in an email:
This Wednesday will be the 70th anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. And here is the key ….

70 years later we still call it the “Japanese” attack.

But 10 years after 9/11 political correctness dictates that we can’t call that the Islamic attack on America.

God Bless the Boys of 1941 and all the Boys and Girls that answered their country’s call to War after the Islamic Attack on our Country.

Don’t Forget Them

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Before we come to the end of the 2011 College Football Season next week, we have some Bedlam in Oklahoma and a Farmageddon (No, I didn’t make that up)…
And we have a few Conference Championships to discuss.

But who am I kidding?

All eyes are on the Southeastern Conference (again)

Will the Mighty LSU Tigers and the Alabama Crimson Tide play for it all?

Or will the Georgia Bulldogs “Hunker Down One More Time” and knock off the Bayou Bengals

We have more than a few things to discuss, so let’s get to it

Enjoy your Picks…..

POST IRON BOWL REPLAY

In a fierce rivalry week, when anything can happen….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was an “astounding” 46 and 8 or 85%.
(Please feel free to applaud at any time)

That leaves the CFB Wizard at 681 and 188 or holding steady at 78% for the 2011 season.

And as you might have guessed I have a couple of comments about “one” game in particular.
The Iron Bowl

To my great Auburn Alumni Veterinarians who have been so kind to my wonderful four legged family members and to my friends who are Auburn Alumni, I will shake your hand and tell you the same thing I say every year regardless of the score or the outcome of the game;
“Good game, see you next year”

To the mentally challenged Auburn Fans who sent me 483 rude and nasty emails after last year’s Iron Bowl and continued to send me taunting letters throughout the year, I have this to say to you: As the last strands of toilet paper drift from the dying shrubs of Tombstone Corner, I can’t help but notice that you all are quieter than a mime convention, but just not as entertaining.

Thanks for sending me that picture dumbass….
And one other comment…
It Hurts, don’t it?
“Good game, see you next year”

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Wizard Man –
I am mad as hell!
My Buddy done come over to the house and TOLD me he saw on them National Geographic television satellite that Elks have sex like 10 to 15 times a day this time of the year!
And wouldn’t you know it I just joined the VFW last week!
What do you think I should do?

Cory – Conway, Arkansas

A: Cory have you considered AMVETS?

Q: Dear Sir –
My family and I moved to the State of Alabama last year and we are “new” to the Alabama – Auburn Rivalry, and I have a question that I hope you can help me with.

I also teach Sunday school to some young children ages 6 thru 8 and they were asking me last Sunday why so many people were happy that the Crimson Tide won the Iron Bowl.
Being new to this intense rivalry…
I hope you can give me an answer to satisfy these young impressionable minds.
Thank you

Joshua – Northport, Alabama

A: In Biblical terms Joshua, the resounding Victory by the Mighty Crimson Tide in the Iron Bowl means, that Jesus has put Satan back in the pit at least for another year.

Amen….

Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard –

My family and I traveled to see our first college football game this past weekend to watch the University of Tennessee take on the University of Kentucky in Lexington.

And I have a strange question that I hope you can answer for me.
My family and I noticed as we drove through the Commonwealth of Kentucky that nearly all the vehicles only had one functioning headlight, is there a reason for that phenomenon?

Thank you

PS: We really enjoy your website!

The Kirkland Family – Hamilton, Ohio

A: Thank you for the kind compliment Kirkland family, I greatly appreciate it.
The reason for this phenomenon is actually quite simply.
It is required by Federal law that all vehicles sold or purchased within the Commonwealth of Kentucky and within the State of West Virginia cannot leave the car lot without having “one” headlight disabled or otherwise “knocked out”. This law is also applicable in east Tennessee, southern Alabama, Arkansas and parts of Mississippi.

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –

What is your opinion about the nauseating out pouring of love from the national sports “media” concerning the year long push to give Stanford’s Andrew Luck the Heisman Trophy?

Thanks –

Gary – Memphis, Tennessee

A: Thank you for the email Gary.
Most people don’t know this about me, but I Love Christmas lights.
And one of the reasons I love them is because, Christmas Lights remind me of the national sports “media”
They all hang together, half of them don’t work and the one’s that do still aren’t too bright.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

FLORIDA: I know Gator Fans…..
He said he just wanted some “personal space” and that he wouldn’t date “other” people.
Then you have to find out he went and married a damn Yankee this week.
It’s going to be alright, just get a gallon of Ice Cream and watch “Gone with the Wind”
You will be fine

TEXAS: The Mighty Longhorns ended the Lone Star Showdown as the good Lord intended….
I couldn’t have been prouder…

TENNESSEE: As I have written in past articles….
The worst referee in Southeastern Conference History; Penn Wagers has changed games and seasons with his many (many) controversial calls. The list is endless…

So without rubbing salt in last week’s wound I have this to say…
“Sometimes Penn gives and sometimes Penn takes away”

That WAS a Kentucky fumble at the ten yard line and you all did win the game.

VANDERBILT: All the sports media talking heads are gibbering about “who should be the Coach of the Year in the Southeastern Conference”
I will tell you who it is….Coach Franklin of Vanderbilt
Congratulations to the Commodores for being Bowl eligible this year

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Houston left Mississippi with Egg on his face….
Great Win Bulldogs and Congratulations

COLORADO: Armageddon is right around the corner; prepare yourself for the end of the world.
The Buffalo’s won their first “away” since World War I……

GEORGIA: The Mighty Bulldogs made the Conference Championship game, just like I said they would.
No need to thank me, it’s how I roll.

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE: The College Sports dominance of this conference…
Makes me believe if the SEC would have been in charge of the War in Iraq and Afghanistan…
The war would have been over in three months and the Taliban would have finished with a worse record than Ole Miss.
Believe it

COACH’S CAROUSEL: Queue the Circus Music…..

UCLA…Ohio State…Ole Miss…Illinois…..Kansas….Washington State and the list grows…
The Hiring and firing isn’t over yet, not by a long shot…

More on this story as the Carousel turns…

WASHINGTON STATE: The Cougars hired “The Mad Pirate” in Mike Leach
It’s a great hire, and as my brothers in the Navy like to say…

“Stand by for heavy rolls”

OHIO STATE: If you think a little “Urban Renewal” is going to be the end of your problems
Think again

THE GAMES

Thursday December 1st

West Virginia at South Florida
The Mountaineers are a dangerous football team when the sun goes down and that’s…
No Bull
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-17

Friday December 2nd

Ohio at Northern Illinois
This Championship game for the “something or another” Conference
Should be a Good one….
FRANKS CATS 34-31

UCLA at Oregon
Is this the Championship game of the PAC “whatever it’s called”?
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Seriously, it really is the “Championship game”?
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
QUACKS 53-17

Saturday December 3rd

Syracuse at Pittsburgh
I’m really sorry I can’t stop laughing about the Pacific Athletic Championship game…
PANTHERS 21-17

Connecticut at Cincinnati
Ok in all fairness to the participants in this game, I really can’t stop giggling about the PAC something “Championship” game, it’s just too damn funny.
BEARKATS 34-17

The 2nd Round of the Division II Playoffs
Delta State and North Greenville
I think by now you all know I’m all about Okra…..
Except for Okra Winfrey, I think she is a damn idiot
FIGHTING OKRA 38-34

Iowa State at Kansas State
They call this game “Farmageddon”
It’s like Armageddon except with tractors and combines…..
WILDCATS 21-17

Troy at Arkansas State
In years past the Men of Troy have seemingly always had the Red Wolves number..
Not this year…
RED WOLVES 28-14

New Mexico at Boise State
I remember reading something from the Folks at Famous Potatoes State about….
“The teams in the Southeastern Conference don’t ever play anybody of note…”
SOoooooooooooo The Low Blows of New Mexico are a real powerhouse?
Idiots…
BRONCOS 92-0

Brigham Young at Hawaii
Dog the Bounty Hunter is on Christmas vacation or I would feel differently about this game.
Please, do not judge me or question my methods.
It’s a process, never mind…
COUGARS 34-24

Old Dominion at Georgia Southern
The First Round of the Playoffs….
After watching the Mighty Eagles attack the Crimson Tide two weeks ago…
I am going with…
SOUTHERN EAGLES 34-17

Wyoming at Colorado State
They call this game “The Border War” and it’s played for the “Bronze Boot”
I think the Cowboys are going to get the Boot in this one…
RAM TOUGH 31-17

Central Arkansas at Montana
Another Playoff Game and it’s played in the Sunny confines of Big Sky Country
And by “Sunny” I mean 10 degrees below zero….
THE GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 33-10

UNLV at Texas Christian
In this game, I have “two words” for you that will help simplify this entire contest
HORNED FROGS 43-17

Idaho at Nevada
The “Ida Honkies” make the trip to the Land of Roulette Wheels and Broken Dreams
And as a side note, it’s not the first time an group of “Ida Honkies” left that state disappointed
WOLF PACK 43-17

New Hampshire at Montana State
Ahhhh Another Playoff Game played in the warmth of Big Sky Country
I did mention that it’s going to be 10 degrees below zero in Montana this weekend didn’t I?
BOBCATS 28-17

Utah State at New Mexico State
There is a lot of Agriculture to be had in this game….
I am going out on a limb in this one, but I am feeling really confident
AGGIES 28-24

Fresno State at San Diego State
I received an email this week that said this game was “really” important
Sadly, the email didn’t give any other details, so I really don’t care
ANCIENT AZTECS 31-28

Texas at Baylor
I know the Bears are heavily favored in this game..
But I am incapable of picking against the Longhorns; it’s against my DNA
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 31-28

Middle Tennessee State at North Texas
Blue Raiders and Green that’s Mean….
There are far too many colors in this game for a colored blind guy like myself
MEAN GREEN 33-28

James Madison at North Dakota State
If you think Montana is cold this time of year, then you should visit North Dakota…
That cold wind strips everything off the surface of the earth there..
You don’t think so?
Then why is their State Tree a Telephone Pole?
THUNDERING BISON 21-17

Southern Miss at Houston
The Championship Game of Conference USA
I think the Mighty Cougars will remain undefeated, but not by much
COUGARS 28-24

Virginia Tech at Clemson
The Atlantic Coast Conference Championship Game
I still believe in the power of Howard’s Rock
DABO’S TIGERS 31-28

Oklahoma at Oklahoma State
The Bedlam Game for the Bedlam Bell
This game has been hyped for weeks and it won’t disappoint
BOOMER SOONERS 38-34

Wisconsin at Michigan State
The Championship Game for The Big Ten (Something or Another) Conference
These two teams met earlier in the season and the Cheese Loving Badgers fell to the Mighty Men of Sparta, go ahead and hit rewind and then enjoy in the instant replay
MIGHTY MEN OF SPARTA 28-24

Georgia at LSU
The BIG One
The Georgia Dome
The Southeastern Conference Championship Game
It’s going to be a dandy
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-17

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Thanksgiving is here and it’s time for us all to be thankful and count our blessings; and this Thanksgiving with have a menu full of hard feelings, rivalries and animosity.

For your viewing pleasure we have Civil Wars, Clean Old Fashioned Hate, Battles and Bells, Showdowns, Golden Boots and a variety of Cups, one is even an Apple Cup.
Then we have a Bowl of Iron.

So set back and relax, while you can; It’s Rivalry Weekend

Enjoy your Picks…..

POST WEEKEND REPLAY

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather surprising (All things considered) 47 and 16 or 75% last week.
That leaves me at 635 and 180 or 78% after 12 weeks of the 2011 college football season.
But let’s not focus on the negative here.

It’s Thanksgiving and I am more of a Norman Rockwell traditionalist when it comes to this wonderful holiday. I know that’s “old fashioned” but I enjoy it.

There are so many traditions, too many to mention, and certainly each family has their own traditions they adhere to this time of year.
And for many of us it’s a time of deep reflection and melancholy as we remember the Thanksgivings of yesterday.

But I think perhaps my favorite Thanksgiving tradition is when sometime during the festive weekend I get all liquored up and decide to make some bad decisions.

Don’t judge me; half of you are planning on doing the same thing.

Have a Great Thanksgiving

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Hello, to you all. I went to a football game Friday night and watched some college ball on Saturday. But, this week, I’m not going to write about those games because a guy you may have heard of, originally from Minneapolis Minnesota, died Sunday night and I’m sad.
His name was Larry Munson. I loved listening to that man. I know if you are a Georgia Bulldog football fan, you loved listening to him too. Larry was like us. He was one of us.
When me and the rest of the folks down here go to see the Telfair Trojans on a Friday night, we don’t care anything about Clinch, or Hawkinsville, or Wilcox. We’re pulling for our team to beat anybody that walks on that field against us.

Maybe that’s why we loved Larry Munson so much.
Because he didn’t care anything about Florida, or Alabama, or Auburn, or Tennessee.
He wanted to see HIS Bulldogs….Our Bulldogs, win every time they stepped out on the field. Maybe we loved him so much because there are so many more Bulldog fans all over the great state of Georgia that can’t get to Athens on Saturdays and watch a game and he was our link to Sanford Stadium, Bryant-Denny, Jordan-Hare and all those other revered cathedrals spread across the South.

We loved him because he brought those Dogs into our trucks and tractors and homes every week before there was ESPN or Fox Sports or Sports South or an SEC Network.

Back in those days, down here in the country, we only got one, maybe two TV stations. We might see our home team once maybe twice in a season if they were up in the Top 10 of the polls. So, we turned on the radio and tuned in the local station and went about our day on the tractor pulling a bush hog, riding to the barber shop to get the weekly haircut, or sitting on the front porch with a cold glass of iced tea, and listened. And Larry was always there to prod, push, and cajole those Bulldogs to another victory or heartbreaking defeat. He didn’t wax poetic about what was going on during the game.
He just talked, and yelled, in that unmistakable Larry Munson voice, with that unmistakable description of the events that were unfolding on the field and told us what was going on. Sometimes he didn’t even tell you what had happened on the field. But you knew. “Run, Lindsay, Run…”, “We just stomped them in the face with a hobnail boot…”, “My God Almighty, He ran through two men. Herschel ran right over two men!! They had him dead away inside the nine!!!”

For those of us my age, we grew up with Larry. I’m in my 50’s and remember those balmy September afternoons riding to Workmore or McRae with my daddy. He always had the radio on the Bulldogs games on those Saturday afternoons. He wasn’t an emotional man, but when Georgia would score, or stuff a drive, or kick a field goal, and Larry was working us up to a frenzy, he’d just smile.

I can hear him now……

Can you?

“Whaddaya got, Loran?”

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dude, man, like you’re about extra-terrestrial man.
I really dig your site, man, like it’s really cool.
But, dude, man, check it out.
My names Doobie, and like, maaaaaaaan, you’re not gonna believe this, man.
Like, man, you know how everybody always talks about old dude from LSU, what’s his name? Ahhhh, yeah, that Les Miles dude? Yah, that’s it.
Well, you know, you hear how everybody’s always talking about him eating grass at the games and stuff? Well, check it out, dude. I live down the street from the old dude, you know? Well, when he like first got here I was walking down the street, like just minding my own business, cause my Volkswagon was in the shop.
Well, ole dude is out in his front yard and he’s like real nervous and all and I’m walkin down the road smoking a little weed and he smells it and looks over at me.
Well, dude, he looked like a cop or something, you know?
And I thought I was busted cause he came walking out to the road and he like starts talkin bout how stressed out he is cause he has ADD or something and he can’t tell time sometimes and people get mad at him or something.
And he goes, like, DUDE, is that like a marijuana cigarette and, like, I say yeah, you wanna hit? And he’s like hell, why not? So he sits there and smokes the WHOLE DAMN THING!!! Well, he’s like, dude, this is pretty neat!!! And he starts talkin bout something about a game or something and he’s like man, you gotta hook me up, dude. Get me some more of this stuff!!! So I’m like, okay, dude, chill and don’t talk so loud.
So he gives me a hundred dollars and I start walking off and I turn around and look and he’s like acting like a cow, down on his hands and knees like grazing in the front yard from the munchies. So, I just wanted to tell you Wizard dude like this dudes been getting all my best weed every fall and won’t leave me alone until after January and I don’t know what to do. Can you, like, help me man?

Doobie Jenkins
Baton Rouge, Louisiana

A: Thank you for the considerate email Doobie, but I have one question….
Was “Old Dude” wearing a #7 LSU Jersey?

Q: DEAR SIR!!!!!!!!!!
Didja see that pro football game last night? I mean, I just can’t believe it!!!!
You know I was real upset when my baby and always love Tim Tebow ran away from my Flarda Gaters but I just can’t stay mad at that boy for long.
You know, when I see him given everybody that cute little smile my heart just melts. Well, anyways, them Denver Broncos went and whupped them Yankee boy New York Jets last night!!!!
And you know what else?
I KNEW it was gonna happen even before it did!!!!
See, my cousin that lives up there near Live Oak called me up and said he had this video game or something called The Mad NFL or something.
He said that Saturday after the Care-lina game that he was so upset and distraught that that turncoat Steve Spurrier beat our gaters that he decided to just play that video football.
And he said he played them Broncos against the Jets like a dozen times and he pertended to be Tim Tebow on there and guess what!!!! He said he won every time!!!
So it was like I had me a vision and ESP and all at the same time cause I knew my baby was gonna win that game AND THEY DID!!!!
I truly believe deep in my heart of hearts that my sugar baby Tim Tebow is on a mission. I mean, I know that real life football game aint no video game but I think the Lord Almighty must have him one of those video controller thangs and is makin the love of my life TIM TEBOW WIN!!!!
I mean, I hear them sports folks talkin on TV bout how by beloved Tim couldn’t hit a bull in the ass with a bass fiddle when it comes to throwin the ball, but it’s like some kinda divine intervention when he decides to skedaddle and run with that football.
What do ya think of that Mr Wizard!!!
I think Tim Tebow is gonna win him a Super Bowl to go along with his National Championships!!!!!! And you know what else? It’s like destiny cause the Bronco’s has got orange in their uniforms too, just like them FLARDA GATERS!!!!!
Go Gaters!!!!
Tracy in Homassassa

A: What have I been telling you Tracy, “Good things come to those who wait”

Q: Dear Sir,

Although I am world renowned, I have fallen on some hard times lately.
You see, I recently left the sunny climes of Hawaii, in search of more business due to economic reasons. I did extensive research and came to the conclusion that there would be a ‘bountiful’(no pun intended) supply of criminals needing to be picked up in Knoxville, Tennessee. All I had to do was check the sports pages to reach this decision. My problem now is that the University of Tennessee seems to have cleaned up its act a little and business is way off. I am now looking at relocating to another location near an institution of higher learning that has a major football program. I have narrowed it down to Gainesville, Florida and Eugene, Oregon. Could you please provide a little insider knowledge on the possibilities at these two schools?

Thank you,
Dog the Bounty Hunter.

A: You are the Man Dog, I will hook you up with all you need to know about Eugene Oregon and Good Hunting, it should be a target rich environment.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

ESPN COLLEGE GAMEDAY: Coach Lee Corso; you almost made me pee on myself last Saturday and by the looks of Kirk, I wasn’t the only one…

We Love you Coach

SOUTHERN MISS: Really Golden Eagles? You lost to UAB?
I am far too upset to say anything else………………….

OKLAHOMA STATE: I am sorry I wasn’t paying attention….

What were you all saying about that 28 year old quarterback being a Heisman Trophy candidate? I thought I heard something about a National Championship game, something or another?

I’m sorry I wasn’t listening; I was watching the celebration in the Ames Iowa…

OKLAHOMA: Sooners, please see above and insert your own cuss words concerning the Baylor Bears

OREGON: I think this picture says it all….

CLEMSON: You lost the damn Textile Bowl…..
And worse you caused me to have a tourette’s attack….

FLORIDA STATE: I am too mad to talk to you at the moment….

MONTANA: Congratulations Mighty Grizzlies on winning “The Brawl of the Wild”

ARIZONA: Soooooooooooooooooo you are going to hire Rich Rod and his ten dollar hooker wife to run the wildcat football program. I have but one thing to say….

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Enclosed is a Great Picture of “Rita Rod” going to the Arizona Wildcat News Conference with “Coach Rod”……One word: Classy

THE GAMES

Tuesday November 22nd

Miami (OH) at Ohio
This Buckeye Battle doesn’t have a great deal of hatred involved.
But there is enough animosity to make it fun to watch
FRANK’S CATS 28-24

Thursday November 24th

Texas and Texas A&M
The Last Lone Star Showdown…..
I still can’t believe I won’t see another one in my lifetime.
It’s a damn shame….
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 24-21

Friday November 18th

Louisville at South Florida
I am going “Upset Special” in this one…..
STRONGER CARDINAL’S 21-17

Houston at Tulsa
This game will be more offensive than Hillary Clinton in a bikini
(Don’t blame me if you got sick over that visual, you probably ate too much yesterday)
MIGHTY COUGARS 53-38

Iowa at Nebraska
This “new” rivalry in the Big Ten (something or another) is called….
“The Hero’s Game” and it’s played for the “Hero’s Trophy”
I honestly don’t know why anyone would play a football game for a giant Sub Sandwich
But Ok, I guess….
CORN KIDS 28-24

Kent State at Temple
If you are watching this game instead of Arkansas and LSU…..
Then you have too many issues to be addressed in this short column, but please seek professional psychiatric help immediately.
HOOTERS 31-28

Bowling Green at Buffalo
The Bills are to College Football what Richard Simmons is to Fitness.
FALCONS 38-17

Akron at Western Michigan
In a fight between a kangaroo and a Bronco….
(Still not sure why a college in northern Ohio has a kangaroo for a mascot)
I will go with a Kangaroo, maybe because I like Outback Steakhouse
ZIPPY 31-28

Toledo at Ball State
I got it….
The Rocket’s and the Cardinal’s are all excited about this game
I’m waiting on the LSU – Arkansas game, How about you?
RICKY ROCKET 34-31

Arkansas at LSU
This game is called the Battle for the Golden Boot and make no mistake about it…
The two schools, fans and players hate each other
This one can easily go either way…Believe it
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 31-28

Colorado at Utah
Have I mentioned that Colorado hasn’t won an away game since the Two Utes were just “One” Ute?
TWO UTES 38-17

Boston College at Miami
I will be far to exhausted (Before and After) The Battle for the Golden Boot…
To care about this game, sorry
HURRICANES 28-21

Pittsburgh at West Virginia
They call this game “The Backyard Brawl”
It is that and more….
It’s a war until the final whistle blows
Light Those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-21

UTEP at Central Florida
The Folks from El Paso visit the Boys from O’ Town (Not the musically challenged defunct Boy Band) and there isn’t much to worry about here…
The Knights are Golden….
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 38-34

California at Arizona State
I was going to watch this game but Turkey makes me sleepy….
Even watching two turkeys like these teams playing football makes me sleepy
SUNNY DEVILS 33-17

Saturday November 19th

Georgia at Georgia Tech
This bitter rivalry is known by a very simple name….
“Clean, Old fashioned Hate” and it’s played for the Governors Cup
Larry, this one is for you….
HUNKER DOWN DAWGS 34-17

Michigan State at Northwestern
The Spartans are headed to the Big Ten (Whatever) Title Game…
Believe it..
MEN OF SPARTA 28-13

Ohio State at Michigan
This hate filled game is known simply as “The Game”
The animosity and the bitterness lasts for generations.
This one is going to be closer than you might think and could go either way
WOLVERINES 24-17

Rutgers at Connecticut
You aren’t really going to watch this game with all the rivalry games on are you?
I didn’t think so….
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 28-17

Cincinnati at Syracuse
I really don’t get the Syracuse Mascot….
“Otto the Orange”?
He looks like the Cool-Aide man had a baby with a jar of Tang.
BEARKATS 24-17

Rice at Southern Methodist
This rivalry in the Lone Star State is called “The Battle for the Mayors Cup”
I’m a Mighty Mustang Man (Even though I’m Baptist, not Methodist)
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 43-17

Tennessee at Kentucky
This fierce border rivalry is played for the Bourbon Barrel and Tennessee has owned it
They still do….
VOWELS 21-17

Maryland at North Carolina State
You’re not seriously considering switching to this game are you?
WOLF PACK 28-24

The Second Round of the Division II Playoffs
North Alabama at Delta State
They met once earlier in the season and the Okra Fried the Lions late in the game
The Lions return the favor today…
FLORENCE LIONS 34-31

Troy at Western Kentucky
Helen was the prettiest woman in all of Troy Alabama and since she eloped with that traveling salesman a few years ago the town hasn’t been the same.
TOPPERS 28-24

Wyoming at Boise State
You know what you say when a cowboy falls off his horse?
Cowboy Down!
BRONCO’S 56-10

Nevada at Utah State
The Wolf Pack are going to have their paws full of the Aggies in this one
PACK of WOLVES 38-34

Oregon State at Oregon
This game is called “The Civil War” and it’s played for the Platypus trophy
Make no mistake about it, there is nothing “Civil” about this rivalry.
(I hope like hell I am wrong here)
QUACKS 38-24

Virginia Tech at Virginia
This game in the Commonwealth of Virginia is played for “The Commonwealth Cup”
It’s Thanksgiving, time to go with the Turkeys
FIGHTING GOBBLERS 21-17

Penn State at Wisconsin
The Lions aren’t out of the Big Ten (or Fourteen whatever) Title picture yet
This one will be close, real close….
BUCKY the BADGER 28-17

Texas Tech at Baylor
I have feeling this game is going to be uglier than your Aunt Edna’s Ten Bean Casserole
BEARS 43-17

Florida International at Middle Tennessee State
Thus one might be close, until the Hilton Panther breaks it open
HILTON PANTHERS 33-28

Purdue at Indiana
Ah another Big Ten (or Twenty Four) Rivalry game….
This one is played for the “Old Oaken Bucket”
As opposed to the “keeping it green” mulch monkey recycled bucket
Those are two completely different Trophy’s
BOILERMAKERS 21-17

Illinois at Minnesota
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Call it a feeling…
O’ SO Very GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-24

Duke at North Carolina
This Rivalry on Tobacco Road is played for the “Victory Bell”
And it will stay with the Tar Heels until Hell Freezes Over..
TAR HEELS 34-24

Vanderbilt at Wake Forest
I’m in an “Upset” kind of a mood….
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
COMMODORES 21- 17

East Carolina at Marshall
When these two teams meet it takes me back to November 14 1970…
The day of the Marshall plane crash…..
I haven’t forgotten it; I know the fine people of Huntington haven’t either
This pick is for them….
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-24

Missouri at Kansas
This game has been a Border War since before the Civil War….
The Kansas “red legs” against the Quantrill’s Raiders….
This “game” is a Border War and it’s played for the Indian War Drum and the Lamar Hunt Trophy. I’m a James – Younger Man
MO’S TIGERS 43-10

Memphis at Southern Miss
This game is called the “Black and Blue Bowl”
I think the Tigers will leave this game “All Shook Up”
Thank you, Thank you very much..
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-10

UAB at Florida Atlantic
You don’t have to remind me that the Blazers won last week or that the Owls aren’t playing worth a Hoot. This one is a toss up…
HOOT OWLS 24-17

New Mexico State at Louisiana Tech
I talked this week with Lasso Larry about this game….
He watched a film and the Tech Bulldog mascot happened to be “cleaning” himself
Larry said…..”I sure wish I could do that”
That’s when I said…
“That dog will bite the Hell out of you if you try that!”
BULLDOGS 34-24

Air Force at Colorado State
This Rocky Mountain Rivalry is played for the coveted “Ram-Falcon Trophy”
Aim High…..
MIGHTY FALCONS 28-24

Florida State at Florida
This bitter rivalry is called “The Sunshine Showdown”
It’s going to be ugly
MIGHTY GATORS 24-23

Ole Miss at Mississippi State
Outside the Iron Bowl I can think of no rivalry in college football as hateful as this one
“The Egg Bowl” for the “Golden Egg Trophy”
Houston leaves Oxford with Egg on his face.
BULLY DOGS 33-10

Washington State at Washington
This rivalry in the Great Northwest is played for “The Apple Cup”
Yeah I don’t care either…
HUSKIES 21-17

Clemson at South Carolina
The Battle of the Palmetto State for the Hardee’s Trophy
Or to put it another way….
“The I Hate Your Guts Bowl”
DABO’S TIGERS 38-17

Iowa State at Oklahoma
I bet the Sooners are glad this game isn’t played in Ames Iowa under the lights
It will still be closer than OU might think…
BOOMER SOONER 34-24

Notre Dame at Stanford
This “big” rivalry game is played for the “Legend’s Trophy”
Don’t feel bad, I don’t care either
CARDINAL 28-24

Louisiana Lafayette at Arizona
I’m sorry, I am still laughing about Arizona hiring Rich Rod….
WILDCATS 17-7

San Jose State at Fresno State
This rivalry game in the land of outrageous property taxes and illegal aliens is called..
“The Fresno State – San Jose State Rivalry Game”
How original…
BULLDOGS 28-24

UCLA at Southern California
This game in the land of Gang Violence and Media Whores is called….
“The Cross Town Showdown” and it’s played for the “Victory Bell”
Yippee Zima for Everybody!
LAME TROJANS 38-21

San Diego State at UNLV
I really don’t care it’s almost time for the Iron Bowl
ANCIENT AZTECS 38-13

Alabama at Auburn
The Great Keith Jackson the voice of College Football (Amen…)
Said this…
“In College Football, there are rivalries and there are rivalries and then…
There is Alabama and Auburn”
This is the Iron Bowl and there is nothing more important.
CRIMSON TIDE 28-17

Tulane at Hawaii
I better still be celebrating when this game comes on at Midnight on TBS….
WARRIORS electric sliding on RAINBOWS 49-10

Enjoy Your Games….
Happy Thanksgiving to you all

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

We are only a week away from Thanksgiving…….

And as we all know that is a special time to be thankful for all that we have, like the hate and animosity that comes with the college football rivalries on the menu the next two weeks.

Ever since the Pilgrims played the Indians to a tie on Plymouth Rock, Thanksgiving is about the cornucopia of college football and the intense rivalries that go with it, that and seeing all the obnoxious relatives that you try and avoid the rest of the year.

We have a lot to discuss, so prepare to get your mean on….

Enjoy your Picks…..

POST WEEKEND REPLAY

Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was Luckier than Andrew but not by much with a 43 and 21 record or 67% (Ouch)

That leaves the CFB Wizard at 588 and 164 or 78% after 11 weeks of college football.

I will be doing a Willie Nelson this week in hopes that my average will take a climb.
And just for the record, by doing a “Willie Nelson”, that does not mean that I will be riding around in a tour bus smoking marijuana, writing music and eating Cheetos.

It means that I am “On The Road Again” and as a side note, I don’t like Cheetos.

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC country!!!

High School football is about as exciting as it gets down here in small town South Georgia on a Friday night. Add to it a little playoff anticipation and folks are just chomping at the bit to get to their local stadiums and cheer the hometown boys to victory and the night is electric. The sights, sounds, and smells wafting over these hallowed football fields make this a special time of the year. I made the short trip down Highway 280 to Rochelle, Georgia to watch the Region 2-A powerhouse Wilcox County Patriots take on the visiting Calhoun Cougars who made the long trip from Edison, Georgia on the other side of Albany, in the first round of the Class A playoffs. The visiting Cats were sporting a 4-7 overall record, while the homestanding Pats were undefeated going into this important game. The Pats scored early and often as they trounced the felines 39-6 in a game that got away from the visitors almost as soon as it started. Quarterback Makail Grace was 10 of 14 for 213 yards in the passing department in just under 2 quarters of play, including a 49 yard pass on the first play from scrimmage to set up Wilcox’s first touchdown. Big Willie Brown carried the mail for the Patriots with 90 bruising yards on 18 carries and elusive Milton Jackson hauled in 3 Touchdown passes and racked up 175 receiving yards on only 6 receptions. This was 2-A football at its finest. The hot Pats now take on the Aquinas Fighting Irish from the Augusta area next week in the Sweet Sixteen round of the playoffs in their quest to take home the trophy.

Congratulations are in order for the Georgia Bulldogs moved another step closer to winning the SEC East with a convincing win over the hapless Tigers from Auburn by a score of 45-7. The Red Clay hounds won in convincing fashion to post their 8th victory in a row on the season. Aaron Murray tossed 4 touchdown passes and broke former Bulldog Mathew Staffords TD record to send the defending National Champions home, declawed and demoralized. You wouldn’t have known this was the Deep South’s oldest rivalry as the hapless felines didn’t even show their claws in a humiliating 35-7 first half as the Cow College scored on 4 of its first 5 possessions and never looked back. The only scoring the Kittens could muster was on a bit of trickeration, which tied the game at 7 early. But, afterward, it was a good, old fashioned trip to the barn for the Barners as the Hounds showed no mercy en-route to a shellacking of their inter state rival, no doubt payback for last years near brawl. Next up for the Dogs are the domesticated house cats from Lexington in a game in which the Dawgs will certainly want to seal the deal to take claim the SEC East title.

On Thursday night in Hot’lanta, the homestanding Bees got buzzed by the Turkeys from Virginia by a 37-26 score. The Slide Rule Jocks couldn’t hold a second half lead and lost any chance of winning the ACC with the loss. The defense was shredded by the Hokies who had over 250 yards rushing. The offense put together some drives but couldn’t sustain momentum as the game slipped out of their grasp. The Jackets take on Duke next week in North Carolina and will try to right the ship after this forgettable night.

The high flying Eagles from Statesboro flew to Spartanburg for an important Southern Conference showdown with a feisty Terrier team from Wofford. However, after the final gun sounded, these birds had thoroughly dominated these toy pups to the tune of 31-10 and captured the SoCon Crown outright. The 9-1 Eagles’ Jaybo Shaw rushed for 3 TD’s and threw a 21 yard scoring strike as a close game and any hope for the Pooches quickly evaporated in the second half. It was evident that the Erk’s Eagles weren’t looking ahead to next weeks huge game against another team you may have heard of….. The Alabama Crimson Tide.

I’m gonna skip the rest of the games inside and outside the conference and get right to the Peach State Prognostication. Seems the Missus has had plenty of “honey-do’s” for me this week and I’m gonna have to get right down to what’s important. That being, what would happen if the “Good Old Fashioned Hate” game were played this week. After the Turkeys laid an egg on Tech and the Cow College grabbed a Tiger by the tail, I’m now a firm believer. The Canines showed me something this weekend in thoroughly humiliating the Plainsmen. The Wreck showed me that not only are they not ready for prime time, I don’t think they’re ready for a big game weekend after next. So here it is, 42-17 in favor of the Flagship University of the Great State of Georgia. The Crystal ball is clearing up, so barring a miracle; I don’t see much in the way of change by the time Turkey Day weekend rolls around. Sorry, Bees.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Sir-

My name is the Right Reverend Jeremiah Kwami Shabazz and I represent all people of color here in the great state of Georgia.
We in the minority community have endured the disparaging characterizations and remarks of the White community for over 200 years, but an indignation of untold proportions has occurred which I feel has permanently damaged the enduring spirit of my brothers and sisters.
Yes, here in Atlanta, in the year 2011, the supposedly prestigious Georgia Institute of Technology has imparted the most racist event since slavery on my people.
There is no excuse for this University conducting a “White Out” at a sporting event in downtown Atlanta. If you do not know, Grant Field is directly across from the poverty stricken, public housing project known as Techwood Homes.
Residents were visibly shaken as the so-called “fans”, if that is what they call themselves, paraded up and down North Avenue in all white attire and face paint and shouting incessantly before and after the football game.
Appalling falls far short of the adjective I would use to describe this tasteless event. What’s next, a halftime cross burning? I beseech you to use your good name and reputation to warn other schools of the error of holding events such as this.

The Right Reverend Jeremiah Kwami Shabazz
Ebeneezer Kingdom of Hope and Change Baptist Church
Atlanta, Georgia

A: Reverend I am at a loss for words…..
Other than to say the Friday after Thanksgiving is known as “Black Friday”, and I hope that you will find solace and comfort in a day…..
when we can all come together to get good deals on a variety of electronics and video games.

Q: Dear Wizard Man –

My name is Feldman Felder and I used to be a purty big time high school quarterback up here in Knoxville.
I mean I’m a real gunslangin fella with a arm that could flling a ball over tha Empire State Building. I’m also a Freshman here at good old Tenn’ssee.

Well, I guess ya’ll heard tha story bout Coach Dooley callin my buddy Derrick on Saturdee afternoon to come in and kick against Middle Tenn’see cause our other kickers got some aches and pain.

Well, let me tell you something I bet you don’t know.
He called me too. He said that if his quarterbacks got any worse he was gonna go ahead and throw me in tha game cause I couldn’t do any worse than the first two guys.
Well, let me tell you, I was proud as a peacock about getting to go up there to that stadium for the game instead of working my part time job.
So, I jumped up from the couch and tried to sober up real quick and beat feat up to the game. I’ll bet you don’t know who else Coach called, do you?
Yep, none other than that fella Houston Nutt. Says ole Houston couldn’t do no worse than his assistants and that he might as well give him another shot at losin more SEC games. So, watch out Mr Wizard, Look out for me next Saturday. I might get my big shot and I want YOU to see it!!!

Feldman Felder – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: Thank you for the email Feldman; we will all anxiously await your moment in the sun as well as the day folks in Knoxville discover “Spell Check”.

Q: Dear Wizard

I got me a hamster named “Hans Solo” (we is all BIG Star War fans in my family)
And that boy can flat pick him some football games!
We also got us a Guinea Pig named “R2D2” but he couldn’t find his furry butt with a flashlight.
Never mind about him, we was a writing to see if you wanted to use Hans Solo as kind of a “Guest Picker” on your column.
Let us know and we will send you a picture of him in his little Hans Solo uniform and forward his picks of the week on to you, what do you say Wizard?
May the Force Be With You

Dale and Deloris – Auburn, Alabama

A: The day I have to depend on an Auburn Fan’s Hamster to make my picks will be the day I retire from this column, but just in case I am keeping your phone number.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

ESPN: You have shown us so many pictures of Joe Pa’s house I feel like I have been there…
Seriously, can’t you just leave Joe and his wife alone?
Haven’t they been punished enough already?

PENN STATE: I just have to ask……

So if an older woman is chasing a younger man she is called a “Cougar” right?

Does that mean an older man chasing a younger boy makes him a Nittany Lion?

I’m just asking….

DELTA STATE: The Fighting Okra got fried themselves last week and now the Division II College Football playoffs are wide open.
The Okra better get it together or they will find themselves stewed by the competition.

COLORADO: For all you weather watchers out there…..
It’s True, Hell has indeed frozen over; the Buffalos actually won a home game.

BOISE STATE: I remember reading something from Boise last week…….
How the Southeastern Conference “wasn’t that good” and how much better the Bronco’s were than any of the teams in the Southeastern Conference, to include LSU, Alabama and Arkansas.

The article went on to say that Boise State was “The Best Team” in the country and that they were being slighted by the voters and the BCS committee.

But even with some “very” favorable calls at the end of last week’s game you still couldn’t beat the Horned Frogs on the Blue Turf, so I have to ask; How does that Crow taste this week?

TEXAS: Five points. Five points is all you could muster against MO’s Tigers.
I don’t know whether to be hurt or ashamed.

KENTUCKY: I don’t get it……
The Wildcat Basketball team is ranked Number 2 in the country and their football team is at the opposite of the scale, so what’s really going on?

AUBURN: How is all that “Highest Paid Coaches and Assistant Coaches in College Football” thing working out for you?

OLE MISS: There is one thing you can hang on to this season Rebel Bear Fans….
You have lost most of your games, but you haven’t lost a party.

Congratulations, I think

STANFORD: I am sorry…..
What were you all and the “national” sports media saying about Andrew Luck being “The Greatest Quarterback to ever play College Football”?

I was laughing too hard to hear you, would you mind repeating that again for me?

FLORIDA STATE: The Atlantic Coast Conference referees did everything in their power to keep the Hurricanes in the game in the fourth quarter and you still prevailed.

Congratulations and one other thing….

The SEC wants their referees back, we can’t have another conference with umpires more jacked up than ours, it sends the wrong message, you understand.

THE GAMES

Tuesday November 15th

Ball State at Northern Illinois
I think this one will be high scoring Barn Burner, Just a guess….
SHAGGY DOGS 41-38

Wednesday November 16th

Ohio at Bowling Green
In this Battle of Buckeyes I am going with Frank’s Cats in a close one…
As one would expect…
FRANK’S CATS 29-28

Western Michigan at Miami (OH)
I don’t know about this one, it’s a toss up….
So I will just have to rely on “Prognosticators Intuition” on this game
BRONCO’S 24-21

Thursday November 17th

Marshall at Memphis
I am not sure but I think Elvis has left the building….
WE ARE MARSHALL 28-17

Southern Miss at UAB
The Mighty Golden Eagles are on an eight game winning streak and the Blazers are on an incredible “not game winning streak”, so there you have it.
MIGHTY GOLDEN EAGLES 38-14

North Carolina at Virginia Tech
We are far to close to Thanksgiving to go against the Fighting Gobblers
HOKEY POKEY 28-17

Friday November 18th

Oklahoma State at Iowa State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You do know I’m kidding right?
COWBOY UP! 53-21

Toledo at Central Michigan
This big game in the something or another conference is going to decide “something” really important that few of us actually care anything about.
RICKEY ROCKET 31-28

Saturday November 19th

Citadel at South Carolina
O’ Yeah this one will be “really” close…..
GAMECOCKS 38-6

Minnesota at Northwestern
I have a feeling in this one; I just hope the “feeling” I have wasn’t caused from ill prepared Mexican Food on dollar margarita night.
O’ SO VERY GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-17

Wisconsin at Illinois
Heads of Cheese and Pumpkins O’ Fighting….
Ah Thanksgiving, one of my favorite times of the year…
BUCKEY BADGER 43-24

Nebraska at Michigan
The Wolverines should have seen enough horror movies by now to know what happens when you mess with the Children of the Corn, (Spoiler Alert!) It doesn’t end well.
CHILDREN of the CORN 31-17

Kansas at Texas A&M
This game is going to be uglier than Aunt Edna’s Ten Bean Casserole.
And for the record there is no known intestinal defense involved in that contest either.
GIG EM AGGIES 43-28

Kentucky at Georgia
I don’t know what it is about a football that seems to confuse the folks in Bluegrass Country….
Is it the pointed ends? Because when you round that football out, the Wildcats are hard to stop.
I don’t get it….
SIC EM DAWGS 43-10

Samford at Auburn
Mmmmmmmmmmmm Cupcakes….
WAR DAMN EAGLE 43-0

Army at Temple
I think the Black Knights of the Hudson will overlook the Hooters in preparing for the Mighty Midshipmen, it’s just a guess….
HOOT OWLS 28-24

Furman at Florida
I know Furry Man has had a decent season, but he is no Swamp Thing.
GATOR CHOMP 38-10

Charleston Southern at Presbyterian
Buccaneers and Blue Ho’s in this Carolina Collision….
It should be a good one….
BLUE HO’S 34-24

Eastern Michigan at Kent State
The Flash continues to baffle me this season….
In games they should win, they lose…
In games they should lose they win….
Here we go again
FLASHES of GOLD 24-21

South Dakota at North Dakota
There will be a whole lot of Dakota in this game, but there is only one….
FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-28

Alcorn State at Jackson State
Alcorn better be Brave if they are lining up against the mighty Tigers of Jackson…
Not that it will spare them from a butt whipping, because it’s coming..
WALTER’S TIGERS 34-17

New Mexico at Wyoming
I am going to do something I haven’t done all season….
“No” not Hula-Hoop while I make my weekly selections (That was last week)
I am picking the Cowboys….
COWBOY UP! 38-34

Georgia Southern at Alabama
The Eagles are one of the Best Teams in the Country and that’s a just a fact…
This game will be closer than you might think.
CRIMSON TIDE 28-17

Wofford at Chattanooga
My Black Lab “Doc” really likes Woof Woof Ford…..
For reasons that I am not quite sure of….
CHOO-CHOO MOCS 28-21

North Dakota State at Western Illinois
The Leathernecks let me down last week on all things, the Marine Corps Birthday…
They may have “overindulged” during the Birthday celebration; it happens.
THUNDERING BISONS 28-27

Montana at Montana State
This rivalry in Big Sky Country is chocked full of hatred and hard feelings….
It’s called “The Brawl of the Wild” and it’s played for “The Great Divide Trophy”
It’s going to be both a “Brawl” and “Wild”, I am going upset in this one…
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 28-23

Tulsa at UTEP
The Miners are playing more like Mimes and the Hurricanes are picking up steam…
O’ SO Very GOLDEN HURRICANES 43-38

Southern Methodist at Houston
The Mighty Mustangs will keep this game interesting…..
Very Interesting….
COUGARS 38-34

Colorado State at Texas Christian
After last week, there is no way I am going against the Horned Amphibians…
By the way, did you all get my “Thank You” Note?
HORNED FROGS 44-17

Mississippi State at Arkansas
The Hogs better not overlook the angry Bulldogs……
It will be closer than you might think, a whole lot closer
HAWG-ZILLA’S 31-17

Penn State at Ohio State
The Lions were looking at a Big Ten (Something or another) Title just over a week ago…
Now, not so much….
BUCKEYES 24-17

Washington at Oregon State
Two things in this game….
The Huskies are playing more like the little Taco Bell dog this season….
And I am a Beaver Man….
MIGHTY BEAVERS 31-24

Tulane at Rice
This game will highlight two remarkable academic institutions….
That know absolutely nothing about the game of football.
Enjoy……
RICE CAKES 21-17

Texas Tech at Missouri
There is a “Silver Lining” in this game for the Red Raiders….
I have on good authority that with another devastating loss, the Raiders will be invited to…
“The Potted Meat Bowl” in Texarkana Arkansas…..
I like the slogan for the Bowl game; “Potted Meat, the other sweep meat”
MO’S TIGERS 43-24

Navy at San Jose State
In an effort to provide you readers with quality picks and entertainment, I recently did a Google search on San Jose and the search asked if I meant “Loser-ville”…
Enough said….
MIDSHIPMEN 31-17

Boston College at Notre Dame
This game between two Catholic Colleges is called the “Vatican Bowl” and it’s played for the Frank Leahy Memorial Bowl and the Ireland Trophy.
You know, for a game that nobody is going to watch they are giving out more prizes than the “Wheel of Fortune”
FIGHTING IRISH 35-17

Louisiana Tech at Nevada
Bulldogs and Wolves in this game….
I wonder why they didn’t name this one the “Canine Bowl”?
Sometimes I wonder to much…
WOLVES are PACKING 38-34

Utah State at Idaho
The Aggies have proven to be tough all year….
But Famous Potatoes has the “Ida Honkies”…
So enough said…
IDA MAY 28-24

UNLV at Air Force
It wouldn’t be the first time the folks from Vegas have been bombed….
It’s how they roll….
MIGHTY FALCONS 35-17

LSU at Ole Miss
This game will make you believe there should be a “Mercy Rule” in college football..
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 139-0

Central Florida at East Carolina
The Boy’s from O Town (Not the musically challenged defunct boy band)
Are in for a rude Carolina welcoming from the Pirates
Believe it…
PIRATES 38-17

Vanderbilt at Tennessee
I haven’t said this concerning this “rivalry” that really isn’t a “rivalry” in a very long time
It’s going to be close, damn close…and it could go either way.
VOWELS 28-24

Western Kentucky at North Texas
You want to know what’s a fun word to say?
MEAN GREEN 33-24

Colorado at UCLA
Have I mentioned that the Buffalos haven’t won an “away” game since William McKinley was President? I have? Well, never mind then….
BRUINS 24-14

Oklahoma at Baylor
I believe this game is going to be a wild one…..
Or as I like to refer to this type of game, “Where did the Defenses Go?”
BOOMER SOONER 44-38

Southern California at Oregon
Gosh I really wanted to watch this game…..
But I just got a new Sponge Bob Chia Pet and it MUST be watered on schedule…
You understand…
QUACKS 7-6

Kansas State at Texas
I know my beloved Longhorns are an underdog in this one….
But I simply can’t force myself to pick against them, it’s just that simple.
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 28-24

Boise State at San Diego State
Let me guess…..
After this game we will all have to listen to how “Boise is Back in the Championship Hunt!”
O’ the Humanity….
BRONCO’S 49-34

Arizona at Arizona State
This Battle in the Land of Sand and Cactus is called “The Duel in the Desert” and it’s played for the “Territorial Cup”.
Maybe it’s just me, but when I read “The Duel in the Desert” I thought I heard the theme music from one of those Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns.
It’s just me?
Great, those damn voices are in my head again….
DEVILS of the SUN 28-24

New Mexico State at Brigham Young
If the Aggies would let Lasso Larry have a foam rubber six shooter I might feel different about this pick and I will tell you why….
Have you ever tried to “rope” a cat?
That story always ends with a trip to the emergency room….
COUGARS 31-17

Fresno State at Hawaii
Believe it or not, this game is actually a “rivalry game”….
I’m serious….
It’s played for the “Golden Screwdriver”
(I’m serious so stop laughing)
And the Screwdriver of Gold goes too….
WARRIORS SCREWDRIVING on RAINBOWS 43-38

Louisville at Connecticut
I still haven’t given up on Charlie’s Cardinals, those boys are stronger than you might think.
STRONGER CARDINALS 31-17

Utah at Washington State
Ok, so Two Utes meet some cougars in a bar…..
Stop me if you have heard this one….
TWO UTES 43-28

Miami at South Florida
Another Battle in the Sunshine State and as you might expect there is a lot at stake in this game.
The winner gets one of those funny plastic hard hats with beer cans on each side and a “best of” Katrina and the Waves CD. Rock on Hurricanes, Rock on….
HURRICANES 43-24

Maryland at Wake Forest
I was going to watch this titanic matchup in the Atlantic Coast Conference but as you know by now, my new Chia Pet must be watered according to the schedule provided in the instructions and unfortunately this game conflicts with that schedule, sorry.
DEMON DEACONS 34-31

Clemson at North Carolina State
The Palmetto Showdown looms for the Tigers, but until then…..
Enjoy the tasty Wolf Pack….
DABO’S TIGERS 38-28

Georgia Tech at Duke
It was reported this week that more students at Duke “watch” Blue Devil basketball practices than attend home football games. So enough said….
YELLOW JACKETS 89-3

Cincinnati at Rutgers
Despite what my adopted Italian family in Atlantic City says….
This one will be closer than you might think and could go either way
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 28-24

Virginia at Florida State
If the Seminoles let last weeks referees hang around campus for another week then this game could be closer than you might think.
SEMINOLES 28-24

California at Stanford
This instate rivalry in the land of the fruits and the nuts is called “The Big Game” and it’s played for the “Stanford Axe”……
Yippee…
CARDINAL 6-3

Indiana at Michigan State
Based on the above “rivalry” game and subsequent “trophy”….
I can only say that if this game was played for an “axe” I believe the Loosers would get it planted between their eyes by the Spartans.
MEN of SPARTA 43-13

Akron at Buffalo
The Folks in Buffalo have weather that is almost as crappy as their football teams, but they sure do make some tasty wings.
I do enjoy ending the weekly picks on a positive note…
ZIPPY 31-17

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

This week’s picks will be in Honor of the Marine Corps Birthday and Veterans Day.

Since 10 November 1775 The United States Marine Corps has stood on the Nation’s porch like a Pit Bull waiting to be unleashed when the occupants of the house are threatened.

We have served in peace and for the past decade, a lot of war, a lot of war.

Some people categorize us as “military”, we are that but we are also a cult; a cult that doesn’t believe in putting your hands in your pockets, walking on grass when wearing dress shoes or carrying umbrellas under any circumstances.

And by chance if you were wondering why the Marines in your workplace this week were always an hour early to work or an hour early to meetings the reason is very simple.

Regardless of the time change real Marines don’t “fall back” for any reason.

I want to take this opportunity to wish a very Happy 236th Birthday to all my Marine Brothers and Sisters past, present and future. And please don’t forget that Friday is Veteran’s Day

If you see a Veteran, don’t thank them for their “service” that sounds like they just got finished rotating and balancing your tires. Thank them for your “Freedom” because that is what their blood, sweat and tears in uniform bought for you.

Enjoy your Picks…..

POST WEEKEND REPLAY

I certainly do appreciate all the “get well” cards this past week and I want to assure you that the liver transplant I received at Wal-Mart from the automotive department went surprisingly well.

I was a bit hesitant about buying a liver from “China” but before you ask how I knew the liver I purchased was from China, which by the way can be found in Wal-Mart between the Sporting Goods and Automotive Departments, it’s because I have this craving to eat a plate of Chicken Chow Mein and loan a large sum of money to the United States government.

I just wish they wouldn’t have used Velcro to stitch me up with….
That stuff catches on everything…

Too bad I didn’t Velcro My picks last week, I might have done better.

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 53 and 13 or 80% last week.

And that leaves The CFB Wizard at 545 and 143 or 79% for the season after 10 weeks.

We have a lot to discuss, so let’s get to it.

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC country!!!

With the Big Blue Trojans of Telfair having ended their season, I was set to take a hiatus until next year with this column and do some huntin’ and maybe a little fishing over at Little Ocmulgee Lake. However, The CFB Wizard talked me into hanging around until the end of the High School playoffs and, maybe, the College season.

I am humbled and grateful that people actually read what I’ve written. However, I was kind of at a loss as to what to do with my Friday nights. Well, I decided to take the long drive down to Folkston, Georgia to watch the home standing Indians of Charlton County take on the Clinch County Panthers to see firsthand how the power brokers of Region 2-A were doing in an annual game they call the “Swamp War”. It’s a long 90 mile ride around the Okefenokee Swamp and through the Spanish moss laden water and scrub oaks, between Homerville and Folkston. But that didn’t stop the visiting Panthers from bringing a large contingent of supporters to see this clash of 2-A Titans.

This 60th edition of The Swamp War had important playoff implications as each team was jockeying for playoff seeding positions in upcoming post season play. Clinch, the defending 2010 Class A champions of Georgia from West of the Swamp, came up just a bit short in a 21-14 loss to the Big Indians from East of the Swamp. The Tribe’s Tre Hamilton continued his assault on the hallowed Charlton County record books as he posted over 100 yards rushing and scored 2 touchdowns in the win. This well played game was another classic in the 60 year old rivalry between two of the tradition rich schools of South Georgia’s powerful 2-A region. Next week Clinch travels to Mitchell County and Charlton will host Miller County in the first round of the second season of 2011.

Everyone in the state of Georgia knows who Isaiah Crowell is, where he’s from, and they probably know everything there is to know about his diet, his dreads, and what classes he takes at the University. But, quick, who were the running backs for the Cow College against New Mexico State on Saturday?
Unless you read the write ups in the sports sections of your local papers you never would have guessed Branden Smith, a defensive crossover, and former walk-ons Brandon Harton and Kyle Karempelis. Who?

In a scenario reminiscent of the movie “Rudy”, these seldom used backups got to run for glory in a 63-16 romp over the Agriculturists from out West. In a pay off game scheduled as a break before the big Auburn showdown next week, Georgia will undoubtedly be excited to see Crowell and company back in the fold. And, by the way, the loud cheering you heard late Saturday night in Athens wasn’t “Dooooooogs”, it was “Hooooooogs”, as the Fayettville Fatback crew did their jobs in helping the Canines to the top of the SEC East heap.

In Hot-lanta, the Rambling Wreck got a week off to get a tune up and prepare for a big Thursday night showdown with the Turkeys from Vah-Tech. It remains to be seen whether the calculator commandos will be able to punch in a winning formula to try to take charge of the ACC Coastal Division.

And up in Eagle Creek, the Blue Clad Crows got a little divine intervention and Christmas in November combined, as they squeaked by the Cadets from the Holy City in a Bone vs Bone showdown at “The Prettiest Little Stadium in America.” The Eagles must have still had the Mountaineer Blues in a 14-12 game. But they blocked 2 Knob extra points, which proved to be the difference in the game. In the upset bid which was eerily similar to last years miracle over the Mountain Men, the Cadets lined up for a field goal in a last second upset bid of their own. 13 seconds left with a 37 yard field goal attempt in Gale force winds. It was so windy that Georgia’s bald eagle mascot, Freedom, could not make his pregame flyover.
The snap. The kick. “I thought I made it,” said the Citadel’s Ryan Sellers. “It was right down the middle,” said Eagle’s corner Laron Scott. “I couldn’t even look, and then I heard everyone yelling,” Suddenly, miraculously, the wind kicked up again. Sellers: “It was right down the middle, and the wind caught it…and it went wide right. It was the best feeling in the world, and then the worst.” Time runs out. The team that Erk built eeks out a win. Despite the close call, the outlook for Southern’s bid to win the SoCon got a little better with a loss by those same Boone Boys to the Paladin’s of Furman. But they’ll have to win on the road at the home of the Southern Conference’s number 2 team, the Terriers of Wofford to stay ahead of the pack. Yes, folks, the plot thickens….

In case you hadn’t heard, over in Tuscaloosa, there was a game between the Bayou Bengals and the Crimson Tide in a matchup of biblical proportions. The Cajun Cats came up with a little luck of their own as they squeaked by the hometown pachyderms by a 9-6 score. I don’t know about anyone else, but to me this was a thoroughly enjoyable game, which reminded me of how football was played in a bygone era. Lots of defense and hard hitting, like Ali-Frazier, feeling each other out, and looking for an edge. The Tide proved to be their own worst enemies though, as they had 2 missed field goals and one that was blocked. This proved to be their downfall as LSU, hung in, made some big plays, and finally came away with a win in overtime. At the end of the game, The Mad Hatter was asked if he’d like to play Bama again if things worked out right. His answer? “I’d be honored to play that team again.” Don’t know about anyone else, but to me, that’s class. That scenario probably won’t play out, but I’d love to see Clash of the SEC Titans II.

Over in Fayetteville, Arkansas, the Hungry Hogs did their part in spoiling the Columbia Cocks season as they came away with a 44-28 win. The chickens are struggling as of late with injuries and dismissals. Conner Shaw showed some dazzling running ability but also showed flashes of First Year Starter woes as he was unable to hook up with All World receiver Alshon Jefferies very often and was finally knocked out of the game late in the 4th quarter. The Head Ball Coach is doing some good things in South Carolina but he still hasn’t been able to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. He gets the receivers and defensive players, but he still hasn’t been able to pull in a big name High School quarterback to get them over the mountain. Next up for the Cocks are the Reeling Reptiles from Gainesville in a make or break game to try to keep up with Georgia for SEC supremacy.

Elsewhere, the Nebraska Farm Hands had their hands full with a bunch of Crazy Cats from Northwestern. The Felines proved to be rude guests as they came away with a 28-25 win in Lincoln. I think the Corn-shuckers are going to have to revise their expectations of running away with the Big Ten-ish Division crown.
In Columbus, Ohio, the Buck-nuts eased by a 1-9 Hoosier squad 34-20. As impressive as they think their season is the 6-3 Ohians still had a much tougher time against this perennial cellar dweller than they anticipated.
And then there’s Tommy Tubberville’s Texas Tech Tankers. I’m still scratching my head over the Red Raiders. The Gunslingers come away from a road game in Norman with a 41-38 win over the Sooners, and then got embarrassed by Iowa State and followed it up with another stinker against Texas. A 52-20 loss is not hangoverish after Oklahoma. It’s I aint got a clue football at it’s finest. But enough of that. There should be plenty of shuffling in the standings this week, as 7 of the top 25 teams were beaten. Things are about to get interesting as we draw closer to the Bowl season we are down to 5 undefeated FCS teams and only a few weeks left in the season.

Once again, it’s time for the Peach State Prognostication. I’ve been hitting the little smart pill machine (to borrow a famous expression from Leonard Postostis) and doing tons of research, to make the most accurate pick possible. The Dogs looked pretty good against an overmatched opponent from 2 time zones away. Crowell got a rest, and Murray impressed. The Slide Rule Jocks took a week off to revamp a porous defense and to try to tune up an offense that until last week looked like it had thrown a rod. As the game creeps closer and closer, I’m starting to see something in my crystal ball that looks like a Georgia win: 28-27.
Yep, I’m sticking to it.
Nothing much happened to change my mind over the weekend, so I’m taking the easy way out and it’s a repeat of last week’s star gazing.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
I know you only write about college football but I have to ask you with all the labor disagreements between the players union and the owners do you think we will see any Professional Basketball this year?

James – Alexandria, Virginia

A: There is such a thing as “professional” basketball?

Who knew?

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard

A co-worker of mine forwarded me the link to your sports “column” and I had the displeasure of having read your tripe. I don’t know which was worse, your inability to grasp the English language, your latent tendencies towards racism and sexism or the fact I won’t ever be able to get that time back I wasted from reading your ridiculous ramblings.

Perhaps in the future you could learn something from a simple children’s book entitled…
“Middle English: a primer for beginners”. That would be a good start

Sincerely – Debra, Columbus, Ohio

A: “Middle English”?
You never mentioned that you were a fan of “The Lord of the Rings” or that you were an angry midget, which may explain your anger management issues.

Q: Hey Wizard!
You did it Man! You called it! The Louisville Cardinals beat West Virginia!
How did you do it! What’s your system?
Thanks!
John – Louisville, Kentucky

A: Thank you John, but I don’t have a “system” for such prognostications.
I am nothing more than a genius; unfortunately my “gift” seems to be confined to games of which I am not “emotionally” involved with.

Q: Dear Sir –

As a registered clinical psychologist I can ascertain from your column that you may have a disorder caused from having a myriad of personalities at least that is my preliminary diagnosis from reading your columns.
Do you find that you have any symptoms of a multiple personality disorder?

Sincerely – Dr. Richard Jacobs MD, Boston, Massachusetts

A: Gosh Doc you make that sound like it’s a “bad thing”

The Great thing about having multiple personalities is that I can have a party all by myself.

Q: Dear Sir,

It’s me again and I’ve got a problem I was wondering if you might help me with.
I didn’t want to write that Dear Abby lady cause she gets kind of snippy and sassy sometimes and right now I’m sensitive and vulnerable.
You remember how I just loved me some Tim Tebow?
Well, if you’ve been under a rock for a little while, he up and left from Flarda and run off out west to play some more football with somebody else.
I was heartbroke.
I couldn’t believe that two timer would leave me and the whole state of Flarda and not even tell me bye. I still love that boy but if he ever comes back I’ll have a sharp eye out on him.
Anyway, since I got over Tim Tebow I didn’t have nobody to love and admire and then I saw that John Brantley fella. You know, he’s cute enough, and all that but he just don’t twirl my propellers like Tim Tebow did. You know he didn’t even have an exotic and foreign sounding name either. I mean, Tim Teeeeeebow just sounds so French or Spanish or something.
So I just want to know this. Do you thank that Muscrat fella that’s running the Gater team will ever go out and pick him up a fella to play quarterback for the Gaters that is as dreamy, and cute, and just plain purty as Tim Tebow?

Thanks for listening Mr Wizard

Tracy in Homassassa

A: Tracy; Timmy has been gone for a couple of years now, you need to move on.

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
I read this week that it is the Marine Corps Birthday and wanted to wish you and all the other Marines a Happy Birthday! But I also have a question for you that I hope to share with the third grade class I teach here in Platte City, Missouri.
After all the countries you Marines have to deployed too, particularly the past ten years or so, are you required to learn several languages?

Thank you

Margaret – Platte City, Missouri

A: No ma’am, we don’t go to those places to talk.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

PENN STATE: I have written this and re-written this piece. I am still angry, but this is all I have to say for now concerning what is going on at Penn State. I hope I can be coherent this time around.

So Penn State is going to let the big money donors and the national media drive them to FIRE a college football Legend for what, because Joe “should” have known something?

I wasn’t aware “should have known something” was a crime

I also wasn’t aware that was a criteria for firing somebody, then maybe I should be the “only” source of College Football News (I suppose I am anyway) because the entire National Sports media and media in general “should have known” the “real” story about Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans for five damn years, right? Do you need some more examples, some maybe a little closer to “home” for some of you expert media types, because I have a few more I could share with you.

There is a lot I could say about this topic and the way Coach Joe has been treated this past week, but I will simply say this; you should all be ashamed of yourselves for the way you are treating Joe Pa and believe me; you vultures will reap what you sow

AUBURN: This week the Auburn Tiger Family lost a true matriarch….

Evelyn Walker Jordan, the wife of Auburn’s legendary coach Ralph “Shug” Jordan.

Mrs. Jordan died following a brief illness last Thursday at age 98. She was laid to rest this week at Holy Trinity Episcopal Church in Auburn this week.

She was a native of Augusta, Georgia and grew up in Macon, Georgia and Columbia, South Carolina where she received a bachelor’s degree in sociology from the University of South Carolina.

She did graduate work at Tulane University in New Orleans and later earned a master’s degree at Auburn, where she served as Panhellenic adviser and worked as a counselor for married and international students for many years.

She received the university’s Pamela Wells Sheffield Award in 1992 in recognition of her service and commitment to Auburn.

And I would like to add…..

Miss Evelyn was a real Southern Lady and a fine person.
She was class, dignity and strength covered in Southern Charm.
They don’t make too many ladies like her anymore.

She will be deeply missed, deeply missed.

ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL STUDIO: The problem about trying to talk about “all” the other sports going on during College Football Saturday’s is that it can have a tendency to tongue tie the commentator. Such was the case this past Saturday when everybody’s favorite ditzy sports blonde ESPN’s Wendi Nix had this to say in the College Football Pre-game Studio Show….

“And to NASCAR, this weekend….
We will see if Tony Stewart can take home another Checkered Fag this weekend in Texas….”

EDITORS NOTE: And that my friends is why I don’t follow NASCAR…
I think they have taken this “Diversity” thing a little too far.

OKLAHOMA STATE: Your Quarterback is 28 years old? Really?

Shouldn’t he have been playing in the NFL for like five years already?

CBS COLLEGE FOOTBALL: From the “Here we Go Again” files….

We all know Vern “The syphilitic dwarf” Lundquest and Gary “Dumbass” Danielson don’t have anything good to say about anything related to the University of Alabama Crimson Tide and I finally figured why….

They are still hooked on “Cammy Cam Juice”

You gibbering idiots do know that stuff has an expiration date, right?

ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL PART II: This one is from the…..
“What’s Good for the Goose is Good for the Gander” File….

The fact that ESPN is losing all their credibility as a College Sports “News” outlet with most of their main college reporters, writers and contributors (Feldman, Forde, etc.) departing ESPN Bristol, Connecticut may just be leaving themselves trapped with the corrupted Craig James for more days and years than sports fans see fit.

Especially since sports fans’ days of Craig James employment ran out 23 months ago when Texas Tech gave up on their pirate head coach due to ESPN’s interference based on a James’ infamous complaint.

I think it’s time to start a “Fire Craig James” Campaign

After all…..

“What’s Good for the Goose is Good for the Gander”

Right?

OKLAHOMA: So you are ahead of the Aggies 41 to 10 in the fourth quarter and you keep your starters in to try and score more points, right?

Real Classy Sooners, real classy.

TEXAS: Speaking of the Aggies of College Station….

The folks from Austin have produced a t-shirt that has become immensely popular on campus…

TEXAS A&M: Now before all you Aggies start sending me nasty emails (again)

I want to give equal time to some talented folks from Aggieland that produced this short video.

I don’t care who you are, this is funny.

GIG EM

Get through the brief advertisement at the beginning and Enjoy…

Click here to view the embedded video.

BCS COMMITTEE: This past week it was reported that the BCS Committee “didn’t think” that the White House and the President of the United States would file a Federal lawsuit against the Bowl Championship Committee in an effort to “shake up” the Championship process.

EDITORS NOTE: Gosh….

I would really hope that the “White House and the President of the United States” would have more important things to worry about other than who plays who in a damn bowl game.

I don’t know…
Like maybe unemployment, the War in Afghanistan and the economy in the crapper.

You know, “little things” like that

NORWICH: You won last week just like I said you would with your talented Long Ding.
You have the most talented Long Ding in the Country, Congratulations.

NEBRASKA: What the Hell Cornhuskers? North – Best Western, Really?

What is that a Rand McNally Road Atlas College?

A Hotel – Motel School?

Somewhere Tom Osborne is crying….

LSU: Like the lady is saying (in so many words) below, you are Number One, but not by much.

Congratulations on a Great win in T-Town.

THE GAMES

Tuesday November 8th

Northern Illinois at Bowling Green
I rarely guarantee one of my Picks, but I am feeling unusually confident with this pick.
HUSKIES 45-14

Western Michigan at Toledo
I must really be in the zone today.
ROCKETS 66-63

Wednesday November 9th

Miami (OH) at Temple
UPSET SPECIAL!
I feel like my streak from Tuesday is continuing, it’s a just a feeling
HOOTERS 24-21

Thursday November 10th

Ohio at Central Michigan
The Chippewa’s’ are more Dip than Chip as of late.
FRANK’S CATS 34-24

Houston at Tulane
They say it ain’t over until the fat lady sings…..
She sang her heart out six weeks ago for the Green Wave
MIGHTY COUGARS 63-17

Virginia Tech at Georgia Tech
This game is going to be a back and forth affair…..
Last team with the football, wins……
YELLOW JACKETS 34- 31

Friday November 11th

South Florida at Syracuse
I have picked Phil Fulmer’s cousin (Otto the Orange) for three straight weeks…
And they have lost for three straight weeks….
And that is…
NO BULL 28-17

Saturday November 12th

Michigan at Illinois
By now you should know that every Big Ten (something or another) game is a “big” rivalry game…
This game is no different….
It is played annually for the highly coveted “Gunnysack of Flatulence” Trophy
It’s like a leather whoopee cushion…..
Never mind..
WOLVERINES 38-24

Texas at Missouri
I saw the episode when the Three Stooges go “Out West” so I know that..
MO knows stampedes…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 38-28

Susquehanna at Juniata
The two toughest women in the trailer park square off…
Susie and Juanita
This is going to be a brawl, but just one thing “ladies”
No hair pulling…
SUSIE Q 23-17

Ohio State at Purdue
This terrific Big (Whatever) Conference Rivalry is played for the “Bucky Otter Trophy”
If you ask me; it looks like a buck toothed ground hog with a funny tail.
BUCKY EYES 33-17

Pittsburgh at Louisville
Coach Charlie is a lot Stronger than the Kitty Cats from Iron City
Believe it
STRONGER CARDINALS 28-17

Marshall at Tulsa
Against my better judgment I am going with “Upset Special”
Call it a feeling, I just hope it’s not gas
WE ARE MARSHALL 31-28

Rice at Northwestern
The Hoot Owls actually won a game last week (I’m serious)
And the boys from Rand McNally picked the Cornhuskers in Lincoln.
I will go with the corn pickers in this one
CORN CATS 38-21

Kentucky at Vanderbilt
This game is going to be close……
Real close….
It could go either way, believe it
BIG BLUE 24-21

North Carolina State at Boston College
The Pack of Wolves took down the cross state Tar Heels last week…
While the Eagles got plucked by the Seminoles….
I think the Birds stay plucked this week
WOLF PACK 33-17

Ursinus at Dickinson
This game worries me….
I just hate to think about Emily Dickinson having a sinus infection…
It disrupts by poetry reading time
EMILY 24-17

North Texas at Troy
I think Troy is about to get an unhealthy dose of….
MEAN GREEN 24-21

Buffalo at Eastern Michigan
I don’t know about Buffalo’s football team, but their wings are delicious
EAGLES 43-10

Virginia Military Academy at Presbyterian
The Keydets will be far too distracted by the sight of the Blue Ho’s to be effective in this game.
Also the VMI football team sucks….
BLUE HO’S 44-13

Georgia Southern at Wofford
I cannot begin to understand why someone would name a college after a pesky cough.
After all it is the cold and flu season
SOUTHERN EAGLES 28-24

South Dakota State at Western Illinois
You don’t think I would go against the Leathernecks on the Marine Corps Birthday do you?
Of course not…
LEATHERNECKS 34-28

Kent State at Akron
This game is the second in a series of rivalries for Akron…
Akron and Youngstown State play for the “Steel Tire” Trophy…
This game is played for the “Donut Spare Tire” Trophy
It’s very prestigious
FLASHING GOLD 31-28

Baylor at Kansas
The Hawk’s of Jay “might” win this game….
And I “might” be invited to Fat Phil Fulmer’s house for Thanksgiving
Neither of which is very likely
DA BEARS 38-24

EDITORS NOTE: Not that I would be interested in a Turkey stuffed with Krispy Kreme donuts. That’s disgusting…

Delta State at West Georgia
The Fighting Okra has been frying the competition the past few weeks.
Get the grease hot, and break out the flour there is another one headed for the skillet….
FIGHTING OKRA 43-21

Carson Newman at Mars Hill
The Spark has returned to the Eagles and just in time too…
SPARK’S EAGLES 34-28

Wyoming at Air Force
The Mighty Falcons won the Commander in Chiefs Trophy last week…
They will Fly High this week too…
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-17

Arizona at Colorado
I had every good intention of watching this game but I got “two” words for you…
“Sea Monkeys and Sea Monkey Accessories”
That was actually six words, sorry…
WILDCATS 21-17

Duke at Virginia
I have some Exciting News for the Fans of the Blue Devils!
Basketball season is almost here!
Not that I care….
CAVALIERS 28-17

Louisiana Lafayette at Arkansas State
The Red Wolves have been devouring the competition lately and Lafayette is allergic to dogs.
Enough said…
RED WOLVES 38-17

Nebraska at Penn State
Without Joe Pa on the sidelines I really don’t give a damn

Navy at Southern Methodist
These two teams square off and play each year for the “Gansz Trophy”
I am not exactly sure what that looks like, but I know it’s staying in Dallas.
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-17

Texas Christian at Boise State
At the beginning of the season I would have thought this was going to be a real clash.
The Horned Frogs will keep this one interesting….
For awhile anyway…
BRONCO’S 34-24

Rutgers at Army
The Black Knights of the Hudson will keep this one close until the fourth quarter and then as they say in New Jersey (Pronounced: New Jorsey)
“Fugggit bout it”
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 28-17

North Alabama at Valdosta State
The Blazers get torched and the Florence Lions are headed to the Division II playoffs.
Believe it…
MIGHTY LIONS 24-24

Washington at Southern California
Let’s see….
The Huskies have the next to worse defense in all of major college football….
Yeah, sometimes it’s just that easy to pick the games.
LAME TROJANS 43-17

Marist at San Diego
I am glad that Marist finally got a vacation and San Diego should be warm and sunny.
She is a total red fox
RED FOXES 24-17

Youngstown State at North Dakota State
The Penguins of Youngstown….
(Didn’t I tell you that school was ten miles from the Arctic Circle, do you believe me now?)
Take on the Thunder of the Plains in the Mighty Buffalo…
(A penguin cannot whip a Buffalo, I don’t care what Walt Disney says)
BISONS 41-38

Northwestern State at Sam Houston State
Sam Houston was the Hero of San Jacinto and the President of the Republic of Texas
That’s good enough for me…
Remember the Alamo
SAM THE MAN 43-17

North Dakota at UC Davis
“UC Davis, I See France, I saw your Grandma in her….”
Never mind…
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 34-17

UCLA at Utah
I heard the Two Ute’s were Bruin up something special for this game, get it?
I amuse myself sometimes, well actually most of the time.
TWO UTES 28-21

Florida Atlantic at Florida International
This Battle in the Sunshine State is called “The Shula Bowl”
And it’s played for the “Don Shula Award”
You know….
I can remember when Coach Shula actually made sense…
HILTON’S CATS 31-24

Oregon State at California
Say whatever you want to about me….
But I am all about the Beavers
MIGHTY BEAVERS 33-31

Maryland at Notre Dame
This game is between two teams heading in the same direction….
Nowhere fast…
FIGHTING IRISH 38-34

Louisiana Tech at Ole Miss
Every time I have seen Coach Houston Nutt the past few weeks I think one thing…
“Dead Man Walking…”
REBEL BEAR’S 24-17

Central Florida at Southern Miss
The Mighty Golden Eagles of Hattiesburg are on a Seven game winning streak..
Make it “Eight”….
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-17

East Carolina at UTEP
This game with the Miners reminds me of a song that Tennessee Ernie Ford used to sing….
“Sixteen Tons and what do you get…”
An ass whipping by the Pirates…
I think that’s how the song goes..
PIRATES 43-17

Western Kentucky at LSU
O’ Yeah this One will be close….
Not…
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 171-3

Fresno State at New Mexico State
Lasso Larry has been bitten by Dogs more than a mailman, I’m sorry “mail person”
Break out the pepper spray Larry here they come again!
BULLDOGS 28-24

Oregon at Stanford
This is the “big” game in the PAC (something or another) Conference to determine who the top team is on the Left Coast. Maybe this is just wishful thinking on my part….
Maybe I will get Lucky…
QUACKERS 34-28

Texas Southern at Grambling State
They call this game “The Bayou Classic”
And it always is, to include the great Marching Bands at half time.
This one will be no different
ROB’S TIGERS 38-28

Idaho at Brigham Young
I wonder how the Mormons in Provo feel about the “Ida Honkies” coming to town?
I love me some Ida Honkies…
COUGARS 34-17

Hawaii at Nevada
This game puts my Black Lab “Doc” in a quandary….
On one hand (or paw as the case may be) he likes Hawaii because he really likes “Dog the Bounty Hunter”; but he secretly pretends to be a wolf when he thinks I’m not watching….
Particularly when I leave my Pizza unattended…
PIZZA eating WOLVES 43-24

Arizona State at Washington State
I would watch this game…..
But I am in the process of learning all the words to “Funky Town”…
SUNNY DEVILS 6-3

Alabama at Mississippi State
The Bully Dogs have a problem….
A whole bunch of Angry Elephants are coming to Starkville
CRIMSON TIDE 28-10

West Virginia at Cincinnati
The Mountaineer faithful have had their couches soaked with kerosene for over a week…
Just waiting for a Victory….
You may now light the fires and begin the long overdue celebrations
MOUNTAINEERS 31-24

Oklahoma State at Texas Tech
GET THOSE GUNS down RED RAIDERS!
COWBOY UP! 43-17

Texas A&M at Kansas State
I know that all the pundits will pick the Wildcats in this game.
But I am not a pundit, I’m Baptist.
GIG EM AGGIES 28-24

Auburn at Georgia
They call this game…
“The Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry”
It’s going to be a good one
SIC EM DAWGS 34-24

Florida at South Carolina
Nobody (and I mean No Body) is giving the gators a chance to win this game.
I’m not just anybody….
It’s going to be close, real close and it could go either way.
GAMECOCKS 24-21

Tennessee at Arkansas
The Volunteer fans like to say “Go Big Orange!”
I say “Orange Crush”
HAWG-ZILLA’S 38-17

Miami at Florida State
This fierce instate rivalry in the Sunshine State is played for a lot more than a “trophy”
It’s played for a set of gold crunk teeth, a zodiac medallion and a 2 Live Crew CD….
Get your funk on Seminoles…
SEMINOLES 34-21

Wisconsin at Minnesota
This Big Ten (Something or another) Rivalry is played for the highly coveted…
“Gopher Cheese Trophy”….
That sounds kind of nasty if you ask me….
BUCKY BADGER 41-24

Michigan State at Iowa
This is going to be smash mouth “old” Big Ten Football at its finest.
It’s going to be one heck of a game; I am going with the home team in this one.
HAWKEYES 24-21

Wake Forest at Clemson
The Mighty Tigers are rested and Wake Forest has a wonderful Liberal Arts program designed to fit each students needs and desires to fulfill their dreams for the future.
That about sums it up….
DABO’S TIGERS 43-17

Enjoy Your Games….

Happy Birthday Marines and Keep your Hands out of your Pockets

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s Hootie Snitch!

The Number Damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!
Coming at you from the Heart of Volunteer Country in Baneberry Tennessee!

I ain’t been a writing cause I’ve been busier than a dog with two tails to chase.
I done finished up a “Christmas Special” for Dollywood called…
“Who Let the Clogs Out”

And….

I still got “Scooter’s” Bar and Grill in Baneberry and some more stuff I will tell you about later.

But we got to talk serious…..
Cause I am here to bring you the State of the Big Orange Nation Address

State of the Big Orange

If you ain’t a Tennessee Volunteer and if you and your babies don’t drool Orange then you might as well as a stop reading, cause this is all about the Big Orange Nation.

Now I know that we Vols ain’t been winning like we was when the Greatest Coach to ever win a Hot Dog Eating Contest Coach Phillip Fulmer stomped the sidelines, but that damn Lame Kitten done screwed us up when he was here and we is paying the price for that mistake.

Just look at this damn picture…..
You can tell Lame and them two idiots next to him ain’t seen the ball since kickoff.

Lame Kitten didn’t belong in Tennessee anymore than Mike Tyson belongs on “Celebrity Jeopardy” and he recruited some boys that were so dumb….
They couldn’t even spell football if you spotted them the “O’s” and the “L’s”.

I mean how damn dumb do you have to be to rob somebody in broad daylight wearing your Tennessee Vol’s practice uniform? At least Coach Fulmer had the good sense to tell them boys to wear a ski mask.

And that damn Athletic Director we had Mike Hamilton, I could have told you not to trust that goober pea. Never trust a man that looks like a Possum. Every time I seen him on the television he was always acting like he was a hunting a sweet potato, know what I mean?

We now got everything in place; we got us a good football coach and a good athletic director.

Remember, Rome Georgia wasn’t built in a day.

And let me tell, we just ain’t been bit by the “injury bug” this year, it’s been a damn plague.
It’s been so damn bad…..
Coach Dooley had to call some fraternity houses on campus last week to get a damn kicker.

So we Vols have had our selves a mountain to climb this year.

But let me tell you something and listen good.

Although me and that damn CFB Wizard don’t see eye to eye on the college football…
Or anything else for that matter.
I got to admit that ole boy is right about one thing.

We ain’t had no arrests this year of any Tennessee football players, not one.

I can’t remember the last time we didn’t have something going on with the Knoxville PD, the Knoxville Fire Department, the Tennessee Highway Patrol, DEA, ATF or the Coast Guard.

Can you?

Which goes to show you that Coach Dooley ain’t putting up with that kind of foolishness.

And I for one am glad and you should be too.

So let’s be patient Big Orange Fans

And let me say a few more things, about yawl that is frustrated and raising ten kinds of Hell about this football season getting liquored up in “Scooter’s” which is my Bar in Grill right here in Baneberry Tennessee.

Show your Tennessee Volunteer Big Orange Spirit!

To show my Volunteer Pride me and my bride (The former Miss Thelma Stroderback who is a hand model for the East Tennessee Tractor Supply and Fertilizer Store, jealous?) went and done decorated our house, hell yeah we done it! And we went whole Hog; we matched the truck with the house, that’s cool as hell ain’t it?

I will tell you something else. The Coaches we got now ain’t just cleaning up the football program, they is cleaning up the football players too.

Don’t you start a laughing about this neither, have you ever been around some ole sweating fellow that’s been a working and a sweating all day? It smells like my Mother-in-laws Tuna Noodle Helper Spam Loaf Casserole, which she is supposed to bring over for Thanksgiving this year.
I could damn near throw up just a thinking about it.

So let’s get behind the Big Orange this year Volunteer Fans, there is plenty of football left to be played and if we win the rest of the games we is going Bowling!

It’s like the sign in the Volunteer locker room says….

BELIEVE IT!

GO VOLS!

Hootie-Out!

Forgive me for a moment….

My friends I am beginning to feel a little old….
Not that I think I am …
Far from it….

But unfortunately I can see it from where I am….
But that’s not the point of this story…

Last week I received a letter from one of the high schools I attended…
No point in going through all that here…
But if you’re keeping count the number is six (6) different high schools
In three (3) different states

EDITORS NOTE: It’s a long story and not important to discuss here.
It has more to do with a “checkered” background than it does with anything else…
And before you ask….

Yes I graduated on time, it’s not like I was 24 when I graduated…
Which by the way…
In Tennessee is considered a “genius”…

The letter in question was from a high school I attended once and they wanted me to attend a particular home game this season (in the old home stadium) were they “expect” an old football record, or soon to be old record of mine to fall to a current student athlete.

Don’t get me wrong…
It’s not like I am Roger Maris or Mickey Mantle and any of my records can’t be broken…
Not that I feel theirs have been legitimately broken…
But that is another story for another time..

But it’s not about some record..
I am not that vain….

Because rules like records are meant to be broken…

And not that I have thought much about it
I don’t get back to that particular town very often…

I wish I could…
I owe them…..
The people in that little town loved a poor kid that didn’t have anything but a dream…
And they cheered for him…
Like it was their job….
I will never forget it…

Sure….
I have had other records broken over time….
And I have attended those events with friends and former players, because I feel it’s important to pass the torch and let that person know they have accomplished something important.
On an occasion they even let me present the ball to the player that broke a particular record

But this one hit me a little different…

Not that I begrudge the young man…
I don’t….
He had to have worked hard for it…
I know his momma and daddy have to be proud..
I am proud for him….

It’s that the “invitation” wanted to know….
If I needed “any assistance” getting to the stadium or needed…
a…
Wheel chair…
Or..
“Special assistance”…

Maybe I am being too sensitive about this….
But I am checking that states current rules for eligibility….

I still have a hundred yard game left in me….
I promise you that…

Now where is that Geritol….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I hope you all survived Halloween Weekend

Last week’s picks had far more “Tricks” than “Treats” in it for me.

Much like Charlie Brown and Charlie Weis I left last weekend with a sack full of rocks.

My sack full of rocks equated to 43 and 23 or 65% for the week….

And that dropped my season average to 79% with an overall record of 492 and 130.

In order to break this seemingly streak of bad luck….
I vow….

This is the last Halloween that I am dressing up like Tennessee Coach Derek Dooley

But I must confess the costume does make me look considerably younger, don’t you think?
And taller…

Enjoy your Picks…..

HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER OF THE WEEK

This week’s High School Player of the Week is an 8th Grader…..
Yes, you read that right, I said the “High School Player” of the Week is an 8th Grader

Eighth Grader Ostin McPherson from St. Paul’s High School in Mobile Alabama is a 5-foot-7, 156-pound tailback, who got the start last week because of a season-ending injury to starter Jordan Huff. He starred in the No. 4-ranked 5A Saints’ 36-6 victory over rival UMS-Wright Friday night at Cooper Stadium.

McPherson carried 28 times for 204 yards and scored on runs of 5, 2 and 12 yards. His last carry of the game came with nine minutes left in the lopsided win.
St. Paul’s coach Jimmy Perry was pleased with the way so many of his young players, led by McPherson, responded to the challenge.
“I’m just glad the Mobile Police Department hasn’t arrested me for child abuse for playing such young players in such big games,“ Perry said. “I was really proud of how hard our entire team played.“

St. Paul’s (9-1) did not allow the Bulldogs a first down until the final minute of the first half. By that time, the lead was 27-0.

The Saints reached the end zone on four of their five possessions in the first half, and the first two came on unlikely plays. The first score was a 39-yard pass from Will Brabston to Ryan Myles on third-and-25. The second was a 34-yard TD scramble by Brabston to convert a third-and-29.

McPherson scored his first two touchdowns in the second quarter to open up the 27-0 lead. UMS, which will enter the 4A playoffs with a 6-4 record, got going just before halftime when Gunner Roach connected with freshman Jawon McDowell for a 38-yard pass to the St. Paul’s 1, from where Roach dove into the end zone on the next play.
McPherson’s 2-yard touchdown run with 2:45 left in the third quarter was the only score of the period, and the Saints added Yannick Wildraut’s 33-yard field goal with 7:06 remaining to complete the scoring.

The Saints outgained the Bulldogs 357 yards to 83.

St. Paul’s hosts Woodlawn in a first-round 5A playoff game Friday at 7 p.m.
UMS-Wright visits Greene County in 4A.

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC country!!!

Well, folks, the High School football season ended last night for the Big Blue of Telfair County. The Trojans came up on the short end of a 28-7 score against Lanier County. It was a long trip down Highway 129 to Lakeland but the boys in blue played their hardest and banged out a touchdown against the always tough Bulldogs. It’s been an interesting season here on South 3rd and these boys have put their blood, sweat, and tears into a hard fought season. As I said in an earlier article, we’re not Lowndes or Valdosta or Parkview. No we’re not the 2-A elites. But, what we are is a bunch of hard-scrapple boys from the country who see possibility every Friday night and who fight through every game. These kids don’t expect pats on the back for losing. They know they’re not in a “participatory league” where everyone gets a trophy because they “tried real hard.” They’re tough kids, playing a tough game, in a tough region. Telfair County isn’t Atlanta, or Macon, or Savannah where there’s “loads of stuff to do.”
Some people say we’re in the middle of nowhere. We don’t have a Six Flags, or a Georgia Dome, or nice beach, but we’ve got Jaybird Springs, Little Ocmulgee State Park, and the Milan Harvest Festival. And mostly, we’re good, down to earth, hard working people. We’re Dogs, Jackets, and Eagles on Saturday, Baptists, Methodists, and Presbyterians on Sunday, and working folks during the workweek.
But come Friday night, under the lights, down on South 3rd in McRae Georgia, we’re Telfair-By-God-Trojans. We’re proud of every one of these kids. From #1 Devin Edwards to #94 Willie Wooten. From the starters to the subs. The Seniors to the Freshmen. These boys are learning to be men in what truly is the school of hard knocks. But you won’t hear them complain. You won’t see them quit. You won’t see them in a playoff game…. this year.
But when the season is over, you’ll see them continuing that Telfair tradition of working hard in school, in their part time jobs, and for some, on the basketball team or the baseball team. And that’s what makes us proud to be called TELFAIR COUNTY TROJANS!!!!!

Up in Atlanta they the student body swarmed the field after the Ramblin’ Wreck got after the visiting Cats of Clemson like a swarm of mad hornets. The Calculator Commandos racked up the points and yardage in a 31-17 upset of then #5 Clemson. Without RB Andre Ellington the Orange clad Tigers were pretty much neutered as his understudies were never effective against a ball-hawking Jacket defense. Tevin Washington set a school record for yardage by a QB and the defense took the ball away 4 times. Clemson had been walking a tightrope all season with their defense and it showed today as the Trade School racked up over 380 yards on the ground. Next up for the Wreck is a visit from the Gobblers of Virginia Tech. The Hokies don’t “seem” as stout this year, but with the up and down play of the Bees, you never know what will happen on Saturday.
Down in Jacksonville, the Red Clay Hounds took advantage of an ineffective Reptilian ground game to take a 24-20 decision from the Lizards of Florida. The Gators were clearly dragging their tails as they were held to -19 yards on the ground. John Brantley was harassed all night as the Cow College unleashed the hounds in the victory. It appeared that Georgia was about to again come up short in the first half as they trailed 17-3 before taking advantage of a Gator turnover late in the half to go into halftime 17-10. It wasn’t pretty but a win is a win in the tough SEC. Next up for the Pups is a scrimmage against the Aggies of New Mexico State which should serve as a warm-up before welcoming the Pigeons of the Plains to Athens for another tough game.
Unfortunately the news gets worse, as the Eagles traveled to Boone and were shot down by the Mountain Men of Appalachian State by a score of 24-17. The Pioneers were clearly out to avenge last year’s upset which cost them the #1 spot in the FCS standings and ended their 26 game conference win streak. The Eagles developed a bad case of Statesboro Blues after being held to only 135 yards rushing and just over 200 yards of total offense. Unable to take advantage of opportunities, the Eagles were plucked clean as they were booted from their lofty perch. Next up for GSU is a home game against the mighty warriors of the Citadel in a game of option vs option. The Eagles hope to get back to their winning ways before they make a trip to Spartanburg for a tussle with the Terriers of Wofford in an important SoCon showdown to try to break up a 3 way tie for first in this tough conference.

In Knoxville, the visiting Columbia Chickens took on a hungry pack of Coon Hunters and came away from Neyland Stadium with a win in a game to help determine whether or not the Cocks have adjusted to life without Lattimore or Garcia. Understudy Brandon Wilds filled in for the injured starter and reeled off over 137 much needed yards to help the Gamecocks to a 14-3 win over punch less Tennessee. The Red Roosters are going to need Wilds, Shaw, the defense, and the water boy to chip in next week as they travel West to take on some of the luckiest pork on the planet in Arkansas. The Head Ball Coach will have his hands full this week getting ready for the Hogs as there are no more warm-up weeks for the offense. This could be a make or break week for South Click as they try to stay one step ahead of a pack of Hungry Hounds from Athens in a tight SEC East Race.

Speaking of the Razorbacks, they won by the hair of their collective chinny-chin-chins in sinking the Commodores by a 31-28 score. The Admiralty put up a stiff defense against these Hungry Hogs but missed the mark just as did their kicker on a game tying attempt that sailed wide of the uprights. After leading 21-7 towards the end of the first half Vandy’s ship began to list as they allowed Petrino’s Porkers to outscore them 24-7 down the stretch and come out with a win. One thing Arkansas may want to think about is trying to avoid those early holes they always seem to find themselves in. Those Columbia Pullets have a considerably stouter defense than Vandy, Ole Miss, and Texas A&M. I don’t think the luck will carry over to next week if they once again get down early.

Out West, the Big Trees of Stanford dropped a limb on Lane Kiffin’s Trojans in a game that went to triple overtime. Just when the escapee from Knoxville thought he was going to get that signature win for the season, fate intervenes. An untimely fumble into the end zone sealed the deal for the Spartans as their upset bid was unceremoniously ended. But, it’s okay that just means that the Southern Californians don’t have to suffer the indignity of making it into the top 25 and then not get asked to dance in one of the lesser bowls. Ohio State took a bite out of the Cheese Heads aspirations for greatness this weekend with an upset of their own. I’ve just been scratching my head over the developments in the Big 10-ish and have been trying to answer the question: Who does this conference remind me of? The ACC or the Big East?

And, finally, it’s time for a little Prognosticatin’. Yep, the Peach State Prognostication is Proverbially Puzzled this week. The Dogs are doing just enough to win and the Bee’s swarmed the hive with a convincing win this weekend. And, they showed a little defense in holding the Tigers of Clemson to some season lows. Did the pendulum swing?
Hmmmmm…. We’ll see. One thing is for sure, there’s something going on in Athens. The place is starting to look like North Tallahassee for the last couple of seasons.
If Richt can keep the players out of jail and on the roster I’m predicting 28-27….. Dogs.
Note that 7 X 4 = 28.
Field goals are not a good option for these pups.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
Where has the Number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet been?
You got him tied up or something? Or is that married life keeping him busy?
We want to hear from “The Man” Hootie Snitch!
The Boy’s From Western Auto and Big Ten Tire – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Thank you for the email gentlemen. Hootie Snitch will be returning next week with what he is calling his “State of the Orange Nation” address.

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
Do you have any good news for the Kentucky Wildcat faithful?
Roger – Lexington, Kentucky

A: Yes I do Roger; basketball season is right around the corner.

Q: Dear Wizard Man
I took my girlfriend (Shout out to Miss Mary Beth! I love you girl!)
She smells like the inside of my momma’s purse she does!

Anyway so we was a going to a carnival that come to town and they had rides and everything, like the big ole Viking ship that rocks back and forth in the air, and boy let me tell you that thing goes up higher than my deer stand! I bet you that was what it was really a like riding that boat on the ocean when the Pilgrims come across from wherever they come from.

Hell I almost forgot my question just a thinking about riding on that Viking ship with Miss Mary Beth
(I Love you girl!)
So here is my question – “IF” Auburn wins the rest of them games and “IF” they wins the SEC Championship, will they still have a chance at the National Championship?
Chip – Opelika, Alabama

A: Chip I think you have been spending more time with Miss Mary Beth than you have been watching college football this year, am I right?

Q: You suck! Why don’t you just quit writing all this stupid football crap!
Anonymous – Charleston, South Carolina

A: Thank you Anonymous for taking time out of your busy day to send me this email.
I considered your request…..
And then a quote came to me from the greatest urban philosopher in the 20th Century.
M. C. Hammer when he said….
That I was…
“Too Legit to Quit”
(That song is in your head now isn’t it?)
No Need to Thank me….

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

HOUSTON: Congratulations on winning the “Bayou Bucket” in convincing fashion.
Damn convincing fashion….

OKLAHOMA STATE: It was brought to my attention…..
Two weeks ago on the Cowboy Campus in Stillwater Oklahoma “all” the safety posters had been replaced in the various university cafeterias and on-campus eating establishments with the poster below.
I think the picture speaks for itself….

JOE PA and PENN STATE: Congratulations to the Great Joe Paterno…..

Last Saturday Joe Pa became the winningest College Football Coach in History…

There isn’t enough room here to say what Joe Pa means to college football.
Joe Pa is Class.
He is Character
He is one of the best that ever walked the sidelines.

Congratulations Joe Pa, you deserve the record.

TEXAS TECH: After you screwed up my average last week by dropping the game AFTER you defeated Oklahoma, I am now legally changing my name from Buzz O’Branowitz back to the last name I had when I lost a bet of this magnitude.

I will now be known legally as Herb McCrotchburns….

MINNESOTA: I guess a blind Groundhog can find an acorn in the woods…

Great win last week Gophers…

CLEMSON: Damn it Tigers, Damn it……….

LAME TROJAN’S: So Lame didn’t like the referee’s calls against his Trojans last week…

And he went on and on and on and on about it…..

I’m not saying his complaints weren’t legitimate

But here is a little hint Lame….

You and the Trojans aren’t the fair hair children of the PAC (Whatever) Conference anymore

Sorry….

HEISMAN HYPE: I don’t understand all the Heisman Hype….

It seems to get worse every year.

I know that ALL the Sports Media outlets to include CNN wanted to award the trophy to Stanford’s Andrew Luck three weeks ago, calling him “The Greatest Quarterback to ever play college football”.

Really, the Greatest Quarterback to ever play college football?

I am not pushing for one candidate or another here.

All I am saying is that Stanford’s Andrew Luck hasn’t proved anything because he hasn’t played anybody other than a so-so Southern California Trojan team.

Let’s hold our ballots until the end of the season, shall we?

BRIEF COMMENTARY ON THE TENNESSEE VOLUNTEERS

Many of you have sent me emails wondering why I haven’t commented on the Alabama Crimson Tide victory two weeks ago over the Tennessee Volunteers.

So let me say this….
I don’t believe in kicking anyone or any program when they are down….
And let me say one more thing about the Third Saturday in October….

Coach Bryant instructed us to “Win without bragging and Lose without excuse”

EDITORS NOTE: That’s the way it’s supposed to be….

THE SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE: SEC Conference Commissioner Mike Slive announced this past week during a weekly news conference…

“”First we’ll take Texas A&M, Missouri, then Oklahoma, then Clemson, then Germany …”

HALLOWEEN: One Last Comment on the Halloween weekend….

If this isn’t the funniest Halloween Costume of the year, then I don’t know what is…

At least I think it’s a costume

THE GAMES

Tuesday November 1st

Northern Illinois at Toledo
This is going to be a High Scoring Affair….
Believe it
I am really feeling confident about my pick in this game.
HUSKIES 63-60

Wednesday November 2nd

Temple at Ohio
I don’t want to sound to “cocky” but I think I am on a roll heading into Thursday night’s games.
FRANK’S CATS 35-31

Thursday November 3rd

Akron at Miami (OH)
This instate Rivalry in the Buckeye State is played for the coveted…
“Victory Slim-Jim Award”
This game has somehow lost its luster since Randy “Macho Man” Savage passed away
REDHAWKS 31-28

Tulsa at Central Florida
The O’ So Very Golden Hurricanes are coming to O- Town (not the defunct musically challenged Boy Band) to meet the O’ So Very Golden Knights.
I am not sure about the Golden Knights….
But I do know that Otis Day and the Knights make we want to “Shout”
OTIS’S KNIGHTS 34-24

Florida State at Boston College
Trivia question for you
Do you know what kind of feathers are in Chief Osceola’s headdress?
Eagle Feathers….
MIGHTY SEMINOLES 38-17

Friday November 4th

Central Michigan at Kent State
This game features Chippewa’s and Golden Flashes…
And just so you know….
If you see an old Chippewa disrobe in public it counts as being “Golden Flashed”
CHIPPEWAS’ 28-24

Southern California at Colorado
Two Facts that should be noted in this game….
Not Only has Colorado not won an away game since William McKinley was President..
But they haven’t won a home game since Phil Fulmer could see the top of his shoes.
LAME TROJANS 43-17

Saturday November 5th

Texas Tech at Texas
This Rivalry in the Lone Star State is a good one
It’s played for the “Chancellor’s Spurs”
It doesn’t get much cooler than that
HOOK EM HORNS 31-24

Syracuse at Connecticut
I had good intentions of watching this game..
But my “Best of Zamfir Pan Flute CD” just arrived in the mail…
Sorry…
OTTO the ORANGE 21-17

McDaniel at Susquehanna
Ronald McDonald’s half brother is really a glutton for punishment
Last weekend J-Lo put a whipping on him…
Now it’s Susie’s turn….
SUSIE Q 28-10

Ball State at Eastern Michigan
Cardinals against the Eagles…
This game is for the Birds…
EAGLES 24-17

Michigan at Iowa
It’s a Big Ten (or Whatever) Matchup and you know by now what that means
Another “rivalry” game for a “coveted” Trophy
This game is played annually for the “Monkey Turd of Hope Trophy”
I am not quite sure what the trophy looks like, but it sure is fun to say
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
HAWKEYES 33-28

Norwich and SUNY Maritime
The Cadets of Norwich meet the Privateer’s of Maritime to determine who will win the Championship of the Great Northeast Athletic Conference. It’s going to be close….
It will come down to a late game winning field goal by Cadet Kicker Long Ding.
(And “No” I didn’t make that name up)
CADETS 24-23

Indiana at Ohio State
The Loosiers visit the Horseshoe in Columbus for another…
Of their many ass kicking’s by the Buckeyes.
Enjoy….
BUCKEYES 34-14

Valparaiso at Marist
I know, I know….
That Mexican Bull Fighter has a “shiny” outfit but…
That Marist is a real Fox
RED FOXES 38-17

Louisville at West Virginia
Believe it or not…..
I am going “Upset Special” on this game
Call me crazy; it’s nothing I haven’t already heard from mental health professionals
STRONG CARDINAL’S 28-24

Minnesota at Michigan State
I know the question that is on your mind concerning this game.
“Will the O’ So very Golden Gophers win Two Games in a Row?”
Not likely….
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 33-24

Vanderbilt at Florida
The Commodores are tough this year, but they will run aground in the Swamp
GATOR CHOMP 33-17

Virginia at Maryland
I would watch this game but by the time it comes on ESPN 3…
I will be listening to Zamfir play “Freebird” on the Pan Flute
Sorry…
CAVALIERS 28-24

New Mexico State at Georgia
Lasso Larry gets a nasty Dog Bite between the hedges…
Believe it
SIC EM DAWGS 34-13

Juniata at Moravian
Morey must be a Moravian to mess with Juanita..
I heard she whipped every woman in the trailer park for “looking” at her man
J-LO 24-17

Tusculum at Carson Newman
I cannot in good conscience…….
Pick a school that sounds like something you blew into a handkerchief
SPARK’S EAGLES 34-31

North Carolina at North Carolina State
This instate battle on Tobacco Road is played for something more important than a Trophy
It’s called “Bragging Rights”
TAR HEELS 33-17

Kansas at Iowa State
Together these two teams couldn’t generate enough wind to classify as a decent shrimp fart.
CYCLONES 31-17

Appalachian State at Furman
The Mountaineers dispatched the Number One Southern Eagles last week….
They are ready for the Furry Man
MOUNTAINEERS 34-21

Stony Brook at Charleston Southern
This game reminds me that it’s time for a shameless plug of my favorite getaway
There is no place on the planet that is easier to relax and enjoy than with my friends at the Stony Brook Cabins & Chalets in beautiful Gatlinburg Tennessee.
Give Ed and the Beautiful Miss Pam a call and tell them Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator sent you. You won’t be disappointed.

Texas Christian at Wyoming
My Hero’s have always been Cowboys….
Except in this game…
HORNED FROGS 43-13

Citadel at Georgia Southern
The Eagles tumbled off their perch last week…
They will fly high this week
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-17

Sioux Falls at North Dakota
Correction on this game concerning “Sioux Falls”
Sioux FELL….
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 43-16

North Dakota State at Indiana State
I seriously don’t get the folks in Indiana…
What is supposed to be so scary about a “Fighting Sycamore Tree”?
How liquored up do you have to be to think a “tree” is going to fight you?
I can hear it now…
“Jim that tree over there is look at you like it wants to fight…”
I don’t get it
MIGHTY BISONS 31-21

West Oregon at Montana
Have you ever seen what happens when a Wolf takes on a Grizzly Bear?
My Point exactly…
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 43-10

St Johns at St Olaf
The Mighty O’ has been Rolling since winning the Cereal Bowl and the Goat Trophy
(I told you that was important didn’t I?)
ST OLIES 27-17

Grambling State at Jackson State
Two Great College Football Programs that have produced Legends of the Fall
And their Marching Bands aren’t too shabby either…
WALTER’S TIGERS 34-28

Duke at Miami
This is the time of the year when the leaves are changing….
Temperatures are cooler…
And the Duke Blue Devils get their annual ass kicking by the Hurricanes
I Love Fall
HURRICANES 212-3

Tulane at Southern Methodist
The Green Wave roll into Mustang Country and get kicked back to the Big Easy
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 43-17

Chattanooga at Samford
Fred and Lamont Samford are about to take a ride on the Chattanooga Choo-Choo
And not in a “good way”
MIGHTY MOC’S 38-14

West Alabama at Delta State
Other than Okra Winfrey there isn’t anything I don’t like about Okra…
Fried, Pickled or Boiled.
I’m an Okra Man
FIGHTING OKRA 34-20

Ole Miss at Kentucky
Have you noticed that since the “rebels” changed their mascot they haven’t won an SEC game?
I like to think of that as karma…
JOKER’S CATS 28-17

Army at Air Force
This game may very well decide the Commander in Chiefs Trophy
Yeah, it’s that important

FALCONS 33-28
Northwestern at Nebraska
The Children of the Corn surprised me last week with a great win against the Spartans.
But I still think “Lil Red” looks like the Shoney’s Big Boy’s little brother.
I’m just saying…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 31-17

UTEP at Rice
This game presents one very important fact….
If you have read this far then you know by now that “The Big Game” is at the bottom the page
MINERS 28-24

Montana State at Weber State
The outdoor grill College of Weber State is about to get smoked
BOBCATS 43-24

Purdue at Wisconsin
This Big Ten (something) matchup is played for yet “another” coveted Trophy
These teams square off each year to play for the “Sombrero of Cheese Whiz”
Yankee’s are funny when they make up rivalry trophy’s aren’t they?
BUCKY the BADGER 43-17

Troy at Navy
Your guess is as good as mine in this game.
I don’t know “who” is going to show up from week to week.
MIDSHIPMEN 28-24

Southern Miss at East Carolina
The Mighty Golden Eagles are on a roll winning six games in a row….
Make it “Seven”
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-17

West Georgia at North Alabama
The Florence Lions have dropped two games in a row….
I am keeping the faith
MIGHTY LIONS 33-24

Arkansas State at Florida Atlantic
The Owls aren’t playing worth a Hoot and the Red Wolves are Howling
RED WOLVES 34-17

Presbyterian at Coastal Carolina
Blue Ho’s and Chanticleers in this one….
And as a safety tip….
If you run around with Blue Ho’s you could get a Chanticleer
Just so you know…
BLUE HO’S 28-17

Utah at Arizona
It’s like the old saying goes….
There is more than one way for two Utes to skin a cat…
TWO UTES 24-17

Notre Dame at Wake Forest
There was time when this game was really important…
Not really, I was just trying to make it sound interesting
FIGHTING IRISH 34-28

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
These two schools have both been rolling on the river lately…
Which makes me think…
This game would be worth watching if Tina Turner sang “Rolling on the River” at halftime
I’m just saying…
PANTHERS 28-23

Houston at UAB
This game is going to be uglier than a game of Twister with a bunch of midget strippers.
(And “No” that is not based on personal experience, shame on you for thinking that)
MIGHTY COUGARS 56-10

Missouri at Baylor
In case I haven’t mentioned it lately…
It Sucks to B U….
MO’S TIGERS 43-38

MTSU at Tennessee
The Vowels get back on track and leave the Raiders Blue
VOWELS 38-17

South Carolina at Arkansas
I know I picked against the Gamecocks last week.
Believe me, I read your emails.
Fire up those computers and start writing because I am picking against them again this week.
HAWG-ZILLA’S 24-17

Arizona State at UCLA
I was trying to remember why I wanted to watch this game…
But I honestly couldn’t remember
DEVILS from the SUN 38-21

New Mexico at San Diego State
The Lobo’s and the Ancient Aztecs….
Sound’s like an upcoming Disney Movie…
AZTECS 34-28

Oregon at Washington
The Once Mighty Don James Huskies are playing more like Yorkshire terriers
I can’t even think about watching them anymore….
QUACKS 43-17

Boise State at UNLV
Another “tough” game for the Mighty Bronco’s of Boise and the schedule doesn’t get any easier.
Next Week the Bronco’s host the “Arthur Murray Dance Studio and Toe Tap Academy”
They better watch out, I hear they have some “fancy” footwork
BRONCO’S 49-17

Utah State at Hawaii
My Black Lab “Doc” loves it when I pick the Hawaii games..
I think it’s because I always make mention of “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
It’s probably just a name recognition thing…
BOUNTY HUNTING WARRIORS on RAINBOWS 43-28

South Florida at Rutgers
This game perplexed me….
So I called my adopted Italian family in Atlantic City for their perspective…
This is what I got…
“Fugit about it, pick da Knights”
Done…
SCARLET KNIGHTS 28-24

Texas A&M at Oklahoma
Don’t be surprised if this game goes the “other way”
I’m serious
BOOMER SOONERS 43-38

Kansas State at Oklahoma State
The Wildcats will keep it close for a while and then the Cowboys will Ride
COWBOY UP! 43-24

Washington State at California
I know what you are thinking about this game…
I don’t give a damn, I have scrolled through the whole article just to read the next game.
O’ SO Very GOLDEN GRAM BEARS 7-6

LSU at Alabama
“The Tussle in T-Town”
It’s a shame somebody has to lose this game.
It’s going to be a good one
CRIMSON TIDE 17-16

NEXT WEEK….

If my liver survives Saturday’s Tide and Tiger Game we will have….

The Return of Hootie Snitch “The Number One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Planet”

And in the following weeks….
Rufus Johnson will return to “Drop some Knowledge on Yo Ass”
More information on the NCAA Auburn Investigation….
And a few Surprises…

So Stay Tuned…

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

There are a lot of “unwritten rules” in life….
For example…
Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time
If you are a guy, don’t be caught putting on chapstick in the Men’s Room at a Biker bar

They are simple things, but some people need to be reminded occasionally.

We all love the passion and pageantry of college football.

We love our universities and have pride in their accomplishments.

And you can never be too young or too old to enjoy the college football experience.

However…

It needs to be stated…
If you are a college student or maybe in your early twenties, fresh out of college and you decide to attend a college football game and dress like the picture below for a game, it’s a wonderful thing. I fully support that kind of enthusiasm.

But if you are in your thirties, forties, fifties and beyond and you decide to “paint yourself up” for a game and bring stage props etc, well then, it’s just creepy. Not to mention, you end up looking like a registered sex offender that has somehow escaped out of his (or her) ankle bracelet

Consider this your “Unwritten Rule of the Week” Public Service Announcement
And as a side note: If you are a guy that looks like an Al Hirt impersonator….

Don’t drive a car with a license tag that says “DREAM GRL”, it sends the wrong message.

I still can’t believe I raced up to that car just to see that….I feel so dirty.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Being this close to Halloween I would have to say last week was more “Tricks” than “Treats” particularly if you were a Wisconsin Badger or an Oklahoma Sooner.

Those folks must feel like Charlie Brown with a Halloween sack full of rocks.

I know the feeling….

Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 49 and 14 or 78%
(I know, I’m upset about it myself)

That leaves me at 449 and 107 or 81% after Eight Weeks of College Football.

Enough about me…

We have a lot to discuss this week, so let’s get to it

Enjoy your Picks…..

COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAY OF THE WEEK

A loyal reader sent this request in for the “Play of the Week” and added….

“Thank you Michigan State. Love the Tiger from Clemson”

If you haven’t seen this one, then you don’t know what you missed.

Enjoy the replay…

Click here to view the embedded video.

HALLOWEEN SAFETY TIP

My friends Halloween is right around the corner and unfortunately this happy occasion for the “little ones” can turn deadly if the proper precautions are not taken.

I am talking about (of course) the potential close encounter of the “ugly kind” your children could have with former University of Tennessee football coach Phil “The Pumpkin” Fulmer.

As you should know by now, this is the time of the year that the “Great Pumpkin” aka Phil Fulmer will rise out of the Pumpkin Patch and eat small to medium size children of all ages.

There is no need to fear….

By taking the proper precautions you can eliminate any potential problems and be worry free this Halloween, while the youngsters enjoy their tasty treats given to them by complete strangers.

Parents, remember Phil Fulmer is the third largest mammal walking upright so he won’t be difficult to spot, however he is a “master of disguises” so here is what you need to look out for when you answer your door.

Anyone who comes to your door who is dressed like “Shamu” the killer whale that is also the same size as Shamu could possibly be Fat Phil the child eater.

Anyone who comes to your door or who is seen in your neighborhood appearing in a “costume” that is the same size of and resembles the State of Kansas could be the Great Pumpkin Phil Fulmer.

If you see him, do not try and subdue him yourself, he is hungry and his appetite for anything sweet is ferocious. The fact that you have been handling candy all evening could result in the loss of an arm if you attempt to stop him.

If you suspect Phil Fulmer is lurking around take these simple precautions and all will be well.

Simply yell “Roll Tide!” or “Go Gators!” and he will begin to run (or waddle as the case may be…) and then call your local Animal Control Authorities who will dart him down.

I hope you all have a very safe and enjoyable Halloween
(No need to thank me, it’s what I do)

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC country!!!

Well, our hometown heroes, the Telfair Trojans, took it on the chin again this week with a 53-7 home loss against the powerful Clinch County Panthers. Although the score doesn’t reflect the fight and grit these kids put into this game, they played their hearts out. Big Blue was led on the ground by Austin Ban who had 93 yards on the ground to go with a 97 yard run and a touchdown and on defense by Zak Pitt who had 7 tackles. The Trojans will no doubt pick themselves up and dust themselves off as they get ready to take on the Lanier County Bulldogs down in Lakeland Georgia in a big Region 2-A showdown. The Bulldogs are 3-3 in the Region and sport a 5-3 overall record. While the Blue Clad Boys dropped to 1-8 on the season, there is no doubt plenty of fight left in these kids and hope to come away with a win.

Up in Athens, the Home State Hounds took a much deserved week off and are preparing for the annual showdown in Jacksonville, Fl against the hated reptiles from Gainesville. This is a much anticipated matchup in which the Red Clay Dogs are sporting a 5 game winning streak and hope to take momentum and Lady Luck with them to the River City to send the Gators back to the Swamp smarting from a sound beating. The Georgians are more than eager to avenge some bittersweet moments at the event know as “The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party” and partake of a champagne celebration. Mark Richt, who has been feeling a little discomfort this season, could quell a lot of dissent among the Bulldog Nation with a win, so there’s plenty of motivation on the coaching staff to have a good showing.

Speaking of good showings, the North Avenue Trade School didn’t quite calculate the outcome of their debacle down in Coral Gables. The Bumble Bees pretty much bumbled along on offense all day as they came out on the short end of a 24-7 score which gave them 2 straight losses. This isn’t the “U” of Irvin and Sapp folks. This Hurri-chain-gang team is just trying to get back to respectability and pretty much dis-respected the Jackets as they held them to season lows in numerous offensive categories. Next up for the Wreck is Clemson. Yes, that was an intentional metaphorical statement because the way the Tigers have been playing, this team won’t make it back down I-85 without getting some major engine and body work done on them after this game.

And over in Statesboro at the House that Erk Built, the undefeated Eagles of Georgia Southern maintained their hold on the number 1 ranking in FCS football with a sacrilegious ritual thrashing of the Presbyterian Blue Hose. The resident denizens of “The Prettiest Little Stadium in America” erupted for 31 points in the 2nd quarter as they tore through these Sad Stockings like a porcupine through a pair of grandma’s panty hose in the 41-14 win. The next stop for GSU is a trip North to Happ Brewer Stadium to take on arch rival Appalachian State. There is no love lost here as the Mountaineers will be looking to avenge last year’s 21-14 Overtime loss to the Eagles to bring their tenure as the number 1 FCS team in the country to an end.

Over in T-town, the Tide turned back the Tennessee Coon-skinners by a 37-6 score. The Red Elephants were somewhat quiet in the first half as evidenced by a 6-6 score at the half. However, Nick Saban must have had quite the pep talk at halftime as the Alabamians erupted for 31 second half points to put the game out of reach.

In Baton Rouge, the Bayou Bengals proved who really is the Big Cat in the SEC West by dominating the listless felines of Auburn by a margin of 45-10. By the time the final gun sounded you would have thought that the visiting Eagles had flown into a window as they staggered out of the stadium completely plucked. One thing this reporter noted was the subtle use of an Obama head shot poster to signal something in to the Auburn quarterback. After much head scratching, it became obvious what the signal meant: “Change” the play and “Hope” it works. It’s obviously not 2010 anymore down on the plains.

So, now we have set the tone for the Showdown in T-Town.
A Battle of Epic Proportions.
A no-hold bars death match between the two behemoths of the SEC.
Yes, it’s Alabama hosting LSU in a Game of the Century to determine SEC supremacy, and likely, who will advance to the National Championship game.
Mark Nov 5th down on your calendars ladies and gentlemen.
Both teams have byes this week, no doubt as the Evil Genius and Mad Hatter scheme and plot for the big showdown.

Over at Clemson, SC the Dabo Swinney’s Tigers succeeded in kicking a mountain goat off of the mountain by unleashing young Tajh Boyd, Sammy Watkins, and company and taking a 59-38 win. The Baby Blue clad Heels were on a slippery slope early as the Orange Cats were comfortably on top with a 59-24 lead at the end of the 3rd period. A couple of late touchdowns made it a little more respectable but it looks to me like there’s a ticking time bomb in the Upstate of South Carolina, waiting to explode onto the BCS scene.

In the battle of the “over”rateds, the USC Trogladytes upended the Doomers from South Bend by a 31-17 score. And why do we care? Because their little rivalry game adds to the pageantry of a competitor from a lesser conference taking on a has been who the media loves to boost to lofty positions, only to have their Fannies smacked by the SEC come bowl time.

And now it’s time for the weekly Peach State Prognostication. The Dogs didn’t even play this past weekend to have a better showing than the Calculator Bandits. The Technical Institute is struggling mightily and the year end game to close out the season looks like it could turn into something akin to a bully taking away a playmates toy. The pendulum has clearly swung back in favor of Georgia, but there’s still a lot of football to be played between now and November 26th. I’m sure Paul Johnson is as puzzled by the latest developments but if he doesn’t right the ship, there’s going to be a train wreck on I-75. That would leave a bad taste in the mouths of Jacket fans that a chili dog and lemonade from the Varsity won’t take out. Georgia is no offensive juggernaut by a long-shot, but they’ve got enough. Georgia 35-10.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Sir,

As the governor of the Great State of West Virginia, I feel it my duty to “get the word out” and announce a change to a recently enacted law.
The law, known as the Couch Restraint Anti-burning Protocol (CRAP), was passed to try to prevent sporadic fires from sprouting up in all parts of Morgantown and other cities after wins by the prestigious University of West Virginia.

Although, we never had any casualties, we were concerned with the atmospheric emissions and foul odors by various types of sofas being set aflame. We didn’t feel that love seats or settees were as offensive as others. Sectionals were found to be the most offensive combustibles as different parts of this furniture piece could be piled on the charred remnants of pieces previously burned.

However, due to much public outcry from the citizenry of this great state, we have amended the law as long as burning is done in a responsible manner and in limited circumstances.

First, the only type of furniture that may be burned from this point on will be easy chairs, recliners, and lawn furniture. This will help eliminate the possibility of a rampant wild “sofa” fire getting out of control.

Second, lying on a sofa while it is being consumed by flames will no longer be tolerated.

Third, the above mentioned celebrations will be limited to games played against top 25 teams that result in a win of over 21 points.

This should satisfy the denizens and fans of our great football team and, if applied in a safe manner, result in a celebration worthy of the pride of the Great State of West Virginia.

Sincerely,
Earl Ray Tomblin
Governor
West Virginia.

A: Thank you for writing your Governorship

Q: DEAR MR WiZARD,

FiRST oFF SoRRy BouT All ThESE CApTAl lETTERS BuT SomEThin BAD hAppEnED To my CompuTER ThE lAST TimE I WEnT To MACDonAlDS. By ThE WAy, hAVE you EVER TRiED To TAkE onE A ThoSE DESk Top CompuTERS AnD A BiG olE moniToR AnD kEyBoARD ThAnGS in ThE BACk oF A pickup up To SomEplACE WiTh ThAT FREE WiFi STuFF? IF iT DonT GET BRokE, iTS DAnG hEAVy AS ThE DiCkEnS. WEll, WhAT hAppEnED WAS I WAS EATin my pAnCAkES AnD SyRup AnD SAW ThAT liTTlE EmA JEAn BuSTEmillER WAlk in WiTh ThiS liTTlE olD Skimpy Bikini Swimmin SuiT on AnD I DRoppED my ElBoW RiGhT on ThA EDGE A my plATE. WEll, ThAT DAnG ThAnG FlippED up AnD lAnDED RiGT on ThE SiDE A my kEyBoARD AnD EVER SinCE All ThEm DAnG BuTTonS on ThE lEFT SiDE oF iT BEEn Typin CApiTAl lETTERS EVERy TimE I WRiTE SomEThin CAuSE I CAnT GET Tha SyRup ouT. AnyWAys, I GoT mE a QuESTion AnD iTs A DooZy. Do you ThAnk ARE CoACh, MR MARk Rik iS GonnA GET FiRED AFoRE ThA EnDA ThE SEASon? Im juST WonDERin CAuSE EVERBoDy WAnTS him GonE AnD ThATD juST lEAVE BoBo and ThA DEFEnSER Guy. Well ThAT SET mE TA Thinkin BouT WhoD TAkE oVER CAuSE EVERBoDy WAnTS ThEm GonE Too!! WhATChA ThAnk MR WiZARD?

GO DAWGS!!!!!!!!!!!!
LEmuEl in LuDoWiCi

PS – CAn you Tell mE SomEWhERE I CAn GET my DAlE CompuTer FiXED. ThERES A BunChA FolkS DoWn hERE lAuGhinG AT mE SAyin ThERE AinT no SuChA ThAnG AS A DAlE AnD ThAT iTS SupposTABE A DEll. WEll DAlE iS pAinTED on hERE AS puRTy AS you please So ThEy DonT knoW WhAT ThEyS TAlkin BouT.

A: Lemuel for the love of God, get that computer fixed, this email gave me a damn headache.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

ESPN’S MARK MAY: I guess there is a first time for everything….

I actually agreed with ESPN’s Mark May last weekend when he said….

“Missouri is acting like they actually have something to offer the Southeastern Conference, they haven’t done anything in the conference they are in so why are they acting like the pretty girl at the school dance when they clearly aren’t”

ESPN’S LOU HOLTZ: The pearl of wisdom above was quickly followed by Coach Lou saying..

“I don’t care what you say Mark, today’s game between Southern California and the Fighting Irish is the biggest game of the day, they have played each other every year since 1825….”

EDITORS NOTE: What? 1825? Coach you must have that confused with the year you graduated High School but in all fairness, the above quote from Coach Lou was translated by the CFB Wizard Staff from a recording of the Game Day Studio telecast. So a mistake on “our” part is “possible” here. After all the original recording of Coach Lou sounded like this….

“I don’t sssshhhhhhhhhhhh whatsssssssss you shayssssssssss todayssssssssss (tremendous spitting sound) the (inaudible sound) between the ssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhouthern Californiassssssssss Trojanss (repetitive spitting sounds) and the Fighting Irishhhhhhhhhhhhhsssssssss (gurgling spitting sounds) biggestss game day played (inaudible sound) sishhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (inaudible sound) 1825”

This of course was followed by Mark May’s voice in the background saying…
“Will someone please get me a towel Coach spit on me again!”

ILLINOIS: It’s too damn close to Halloween for the Fighting Pumpkins to be losing.

What the hell is going on up there?

UAB: If you all haven’t done so already…..

Get your winter coats out; Hell has indeed frozen over……

The Blazers won a game last week

THE BIG EAST: It’s official the Big East Conference is openly recruiting Schools from around the country to join their conference, their “recruiting poster” is popping up everywhere and it is very catchy, don’t you think?

I found this one in my mailbox attached to a Hardee’s Flyer…..

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I don’t give a Shillelagh that you won some damn crooked stick

CARSON NEWMAN: I never thought I would say this….

There is no Spark left in this year’s once Mighty Eagles

TEXAS TECH: Last week I wrote….

“So Red Raider fans…..
How do you like that Coach Tommy Tub now?
If he is a “defensive genius” then I’m a Polish Astronaut”

I am now legally changing my name to Buzz O’Branowitz

Congratulations Red Raiders….

DELTA STATE: Congratulations to the Mighty Fighting Okra for frying the Blazers of Valdosta State last week to remain the Number One Team in Division II College Football.

ESPN COLLEGE GAME DAY: This past Saturday was Coach Lee Corso’s 200th Head Gear Pick on College Game Day. Win or Lose Coach, we love you and Saturday’s wouldn’t be the same without you.

DELAWARE: You lost to Rhode Island last week….

Those damn people don’t live on an island so you lost to a bunch of liars, I hope you are happy

TENNESSEE: This prognostication has nothing to do with last week’s game….

Next year’s game between the Tennessee Volunteers and the Florida Gators…

Will determine who will win the SEC Eastern Division….Believe it.

SOUTHERN MISS: I should never have gone against the Golden Eagles in Hattiesburg….

Even if they were playing the Mighty Mustangs.

Great win Eagles….

OKLAHOMA: Oops…………

WISCONSIN: Badgers please see “Oklahoma” above and add “Damn It”

HASKELL INDIAN NATIONS UNIVERSITY: The Indians of Haskell Indian Nations University are having a tough season and currently haven’t won a game this year.

But in Haskell Memorial Stadium in Lawrence Kansas I hear the footsteps of Legends.

On that natural grass field the Greatest Athlete the World has ever seen used to run…

Before he went to Carlisle Indian School in Carlisle Pennsylvania

It was the Home to The Great Jim Thorpe

I can’t forget it and I hope they don’t either

THE GAMES

Wednesday October 26th

Connecticut at Pittsburgh
I have a “good feeling” about this one
Call it Prognosticators Intuition.
PANTHERS 35-20

Thursday October 27th

Rice at Houston
This Rivalry in the Great City of Houston is a Big One
It’s played for the “Bayou Bucket”
This one is easy
MIGHTY COUGARS 55-10

North Alabama at West Alabama
This clash in Alabama is between two teams trying to claw their way back to the top.
Another loss by either of these teams and they won’t make the Division II Playoffs.
This game is THAT Important
FLORENCE LIONS 33-21

Virginia at Miami
The Hurricanes have proven they still have some wind left in their sails and the Cavaliers are picking up speed. It should be a good one…
HURRICANES 28-24

Friday October 28th

Brigham Young at Texas Christian
The Cougars will get skinned in Cow Town, Believe it
HORNED FROGS 43-17

Saturday October 29th

UAB at Marshall
Can the Blazers win “two” games in a row?
I have three words for you…
WE ARE MARSHALL 34-17

North Carolina State at Florida State
It is physically impossible for a pack of wolves to outrun Chief Osceola on Horseback.
I know this because I saw it on the History Channel, so it has to be true.
SEMINOLES 38-17

Purdue at Michigan
I love these Big Ten (or Twelve) Rivalries, don’t you?
This one is played for the coveted “Hagfish Trophy”
Which interestingly enough, was inspired by and designed after seeing former Michigan Wolverine Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita” in a swimsuit.
WOLVERINES 38-14

Drake at Marist
That Drake Boy can talk all the smack he wants to about this game.
It doesn’t change the fact that Marist is a real Fox
RED FOXES 28-20

Juniata at McDaniel
It’s a sad world we live in when Ronald McDonald’s half brother McDaniel would rather mess with Juanita than try and help his half brother catch the Ham Burglar.
J-LO 24-17

Northwestern at Indiana
I can’t get enough of these Big Ten or whatever Rivalries.
This one is played each year for the prestigious “Catfish Bucket” signifying between these two bottom feeders of their conference which team doesn’t suck as bad as the other team.
WILDCATS 24-17

Central Michigan at Akron
I can’t wait to see this game!
I have never seen a Chippewa ride Rocket and before you ask…
“Yes” I am that easily amused
RICKEY ROCKET 33-28

Syracuse at Louisville
Otto laid the Orange on the Mountaineer’s last week and the Cardinal’s shocked the Jersey Boys
I am going for the upset in this one
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!
STRONGER CARDINAL’S 24-21

Arkansas at Vanderbilt
The Commodores will get sunk by the Hungry Hogs in Music City.
HAWGZILLA’S 43-17

Virginia Tech at Duke
Last night the Blue Devils cancelled their pep rally for this game due to lack of interest.
Enough Said…
HOKEY POKEYS 33-10

Alabama A&M and Alabama State
Legion Field Birmingham Alabama
This Alabama Rivalry is called the “The Magic City Classic”
And it always lives up to the name and the hype
This game is the Biggest one yet, one team is number one and the other team is in the top 5…
This one is going to be close, real close
HORNETS 28-24

Salve Regina at Plymouth State
The Yugoslavian beauty took down the Mississippi Institute of Technology last week…
I am betting she still has enough spunk left to take care the Plymouth Boys..
Do they even make Plymouth’s anymore?
SWEET SALVE 31-17

Bowling Green at Kent State
This Rivalry in the Buckeye State honors the state highways separating the two universities.
It’s played for the “Chuck Hole Award” sponsored by the Ohio Department of Transportation
FALCONS 28-24

Virginia Military Academy at Citadel
This rivalry between two military colleges has been played every year since 1920….
It’s called “The Military Classic of the South” and it’s played for “the Silver Shako”
I have a question….
Why in the world would they want to play for a bait fish?
KEYDETS 21-17

Furman at Chattanooga
In case you didn’t know…..
Chattanooga is the Home of the Moon Pie
That’s good enough for me here
MIGHTY MOC’S 34-28

Ball State at Western Michigan
The Bronco’s are fading fast and the Cardinal’s won’t quit.
This one will still be closer than you might think
CARDINAL’S 33-31

Murray State at Eastern Kentucky
I have never liked the Colonels from Eastern and I’m not about to start now.
PACERS 31-17

Air Force at New Mexico
I don’t know what has happened to these two teams
The United States Air Force has been dropping duds and the Lobos are playing like Hobos
This one is a toss-up
FALCONS 24-17

Idaho State at Montana State
The “Ben Gals” have “Been Gone” since the season kicked off…
BOBCATS 38-14

Boston College at Maryland
I would watch this game but watching Maryland’s Fighting Linoleum Kitchen Tiles uniforms on the big screen gives me vertigo, sorry….
LINOLEUM TILE TURTLES 28-24

Georgia Southern at Appalachian State
The Eagles of Southern maintain their Number 1 ranking after this game, but just by the hair of their chinny chin chins.
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-31

EDITORS NOTE: The “Chinny Chin Chin” comment above was not intended as a reference to any Asian peoples living or deceased or any characters from the wildly popular television program “Kung Fu” So don’t send me any nasty emails or I will pluck the pebble out of your hand Grasshopper.

Susquehanna at Franklin Marshall
I don’t think Frank knows what he is getting into here….
Susie just got her hair done at the Beauty Parlor
You don’t mess with a woman after she just got her hair done, even I know that
SUSIE Q 24-21

Washington State at Oregon
How can I but this gently?
The Cougars suck more than a Hoover Nuclear Vacuum Cleaner
Sorry, that’s as gentle as I know how to say it.
QUACKS 156-3

Weber State at Montana
I sincerely believe the Folks at Weber Grills make the best Outdoor Grills on the Planet.
And I am thrilled that they have their own college….
But that of course has nothing what so ever to do with this game.
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 43-10

Navy at Notre Dame
I would watch this game on NBC, which of course stands for “Nothing But Catholics” but there is a Kenny Rogers “The Gambler” marathon on TBS at the same time.
Did you ever notice Kenny gets younger looking by “The Gambler Part VII: Brady Hawkes and the Temple of Doom”? Never mind….
FIGHTING IRISH 28-17

Missouri at Texas A&M
Two teams that couldn’t spell “Defense” if you built them a Fence and gave them a “D”.
If you like offense, this is your game
GIG EM AGGIES 44-38

Baylor at Oklahoma State
You know what they say in Texas don’t you?
“It Sucks to B U”
COWBOY UP! 43-24

West Virginia at Rutgers
Neither of these teams wins when they are favored and neither of them loses when they are an underdog. But I do like to see a nice sofa on fire……
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 24-17

Southern Methodist at Tulsa
Please don’t question my logic in this one, because I have none.
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Oklahoma at Kansas State
This Game in the Big 12 (Light…) is going to separate the Contenders from the Pretenders
It’s going to be closer than you might think
BOOMER SOONERS 28-21

Wake Forest at North Carolina
This Instate Rivalry along Tobacco Road is always a Brawl, even if it doesn’t mean anything.
HEELS of TAR 28-24

Tulane at East Carolina
By the time this game comes on Kenny Rogers in “The Gambler Part XIII: Brady Hawkes and The Botox Gamble” will be on so I can’t watch it, sorry.
PIRATES 28-17

Hamline at St Olaf
In the words of that famous urban philosopher M.C. Hammer….
“It’s Hammy Time”
ST OLIES 33-13

Florida at Georgia
With all due disrespect to University of Georgia President Mike Adams…
This IS and will ALWAYS be….
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”
Don’t leave your seats, this one is going to be really close
DAWGS 28-24

Iowa at Minnesota
This Rivalry game in the Big Ten (something) is my favorite of all their Rivalry games.
It’s played for the coveted “Floyd of Rosedale” Trophy (Pictured below)

I ask you, who wouldn’t want a big ole pig trophy?
My point exactly.
HAWKEYES 28-17

North Dakota at Northern Colorado
Northern Colorado has some breath taking scenery……
Yep, that’s about it
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 34-17

Memphis at Central Florida
The Boys from O Town (Not the defunct musically challenged Boy band)
Have stumbled as of late, but the good news is I think Elvis’s Tigers have left the building
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 28-13

Hawaii at Idaho
The “Warriors on a Rainbow” invades the Land of the “Ida Honkies”
Sounds like the only thing missing is a “Rainbow Bright” reference
BOUNTY HUNTING WARRIORS ON RAINBOWS 38-17

EDITORS NOTE: You didn’t really think I would pick Hawaii without making a reference to “Dog the Bounty Hunter” did you?

Jackson State at Prairie View A&M
The Prairie is going to get mighty lonesome after the Tigers are finished
WALTER’S TIGERS 38-10

Colorado State at UNLV
Remember what they say….
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas….
Unless it happens to be a fungus that you can’t quite identify”
RAM TOUGH 24-14

Ursinus at Johns Hopkins
I have on “good authority” that the above named visiting school is named after a unique and rare medical condition caused by “sneezing and breaking wind at the same time” causing both a sinus and a urine infection simultaneously.
Consider this your medical tip of the week…
JOHNNY HOP 38-10

Iowa State at Texas Tech
You think I would pick against Tommy Tub and the Red Raiders after last week?
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS! 34-17

Mississippi State at Kentucky
If they let the Wildcats play with a basketball in this game It would be a different story..
Something about that “pointed football” seems to confuse them
BULLY DAWGS 31-14

Ole Miss at Auburn
It’s like the commercial says…..
“Sometimes you feel like a Nutt but at the end of this season they are firing his dumb ass”
WAR DAMN EAGLES 34-21

California at UCLA
This game is scheduled to be on Saturday Night at 2330 EST on ESPN U….
Which unfortunately conflicts with Kenny Rogers in the final installment of the series entitled “The Gambler Part XXVII: Brady Hawkes The Plastic Surgery Gamble”.
I have to watch the entire series, you understand
O’ SO Very GOLDEN BEARS 24-17

Kansas at Texas
Dorothy you aren’t in Kansas anymore….
HOOK EM HORNS 34-17

Brevard at Carson Newman
I still have faith in the once mighty Eagles……
But it is dwindling…
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-24

North Texas at Arkansas State
The Wolves are seeing Red and the Mean Green are rolling.
There is enough color in this game that even a colored blind guy like me can enjoy it.
RED WOLVES 31-28

South Carolina at Tennessee
Remember you heard it here first…..
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
VOWELS 24-21

Nevada at New Mexico State
They need to add a few more light bulbs on the scoreboard for this one…
It has the potential to be a high scoring affair
PACK of WOLVES 43-38

Stanford at Southern California
The one and only reason I am pulling for the Trojans (God have mercy on my soul)
Is because I am sick and tired (exhausted really) of hearing about Andrew Luck of Stanford.
Listen closely….
HE HASN’T PLAYED ANYBODY WORTH A CRAP!
GOT IT?
LAME TROJANS 33-28

Wisconsin at Ohio State
The Buckeyes are in a bit of a Fickled Pickle in this matchup….
But something tells me it’s going to be closer than you might think and could go either way.
BADGERS 28-24

Southern Miss at UTEP
I doubted the Mighty Golden Eagles last week…
I won’t make the same mistake this week.
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-16

Clemson at Georgia Tech
Three weeks ago this game was billed as a “Clash of the Titians…”
They were half right….
There is going to be a clash, but there is only going to be one “Titian” playing in this game
DABO’S TIGERS 43-17

Wyoming at San Diego State
Cowboy Down! Cowboy Down! Cowboy Down!
ANCIENT AZTECS 33-17

Arizona at Washington
I was going to watch this game, but I will be so exhausted from watching all the Kenny Rogers “The Gambler” Movies that I won’t be able to stay up and watch this game which kicks off at 0200 ETS Sunday morning.
WILDCATS 24-17

Michigan State at Nebraska
The Children of the Corn are rested but I can’t go against the Mighty Spartans..
Not after what they did to the Bucky the Badger last week
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 28-24

Illinois at Penn State
Joe Pa’s not scared to smash a Pumpkin, believe me I know what I am talking about here.
JOE’S LIONS 31-24

Oregon State at Utah
Interesting fact in this game…..
When “Leave it to Beaver” was on television both Wally and the Beaver were both two Ute’s.
Bet you didn’t know that
TWO UTES 34-17

Colorado at Arizona State
Again I feel obligated to point out that…..
The Buffalos haven’t won an away game since William McKinley was President
DEVILS of the SUN 43-10

Next week we will have the Heavyweight Match that everyone is talking about

Here is your preview….

Click here to view the embedded video.

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Whatever happened to some people’s sense of humor?

I write a tongue and cheek article about Texas A&M joining the Southeastern Conference two weeks ago and you would have thought I wrote a diatribe about my undying love for communism.

I’m not a Liberal, so don’t worry about my attraction or affection for communism.

I bet that one liner will get a few letters too.

Let me remind some of you Texas A&M Aggies that felt obligated to send me a variety of semi-coherent nasty emails the past two weeks of one very simple fact…
If nothing else I am a gentleman.

With that being said….

I won’t embarrass you by saying that despite the fact I was so far down the depth chart it would take a microscope to find me, I still have more National Championship Rings in my four years at Alabama than you have in your entire 100 plus year history of playing college football.

And I certainly wouldn’t want to point out that Florida, Auburn, Georgia, Tennessee and the Mighty LSU Tigers have more National College Football Championships than you have too.

I wouldn’t stoop so low as to talk about Kentucky’s Men’s Basketball National Championships or Florida’s Basketball Championships with you, since well, you aren’t very good in that sport either.

But perhaps you would feel more comfortable discussing Women’s Basketball National Championships with the Tennessee Lady Volunteers, since you have won “1” of those.

I know how much you all love College Baseball, so I wouldn’t ever discuss Baseball National Championships with you or compare the National Championships won by LSU and South Carolina to your, well, lack of any kind of Championships.

Maybe you would be more comfortable comparing your Track and Field Championships (or the lack there of) with the Tennessee Volunteers or the Arkansas Razorbacks?
I bet they could give you all some keen pointers.

I wouldn’t want to discuss Softball, Swimming or Diving Championships either; it would just be too embarrassing for you.

That would be wrong of me to say such hurtful things like that, so I simply won’t do it.

I’m so glad that I am a gentleman…

Because if I wasn’t a gentleman, I would have said that Coach Sara Patterson and the University of Alabama Women’s Gymnastics’ Team has won more National Championships than you have in all your universities sports combined over 100 plus years.

You have another comeback to beat that?

I’ll wait….

I’ll wait why you tell me how you “almost” beat Arkansas this year….
Maybe the third best team in the SEC West.

I am so glad that I am a gentleman

Welcome to the Southeastern Conference

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

This past week separated the contenders from the pretenders and it almost separated me from the liquor cabinet. Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a very subpar 52 and 16 or 76% for the week and for the season after seven weeks that leaves me at 400 and 93 or 81%.

It’s hard to believe I have picked almost 500 games thus far in the 2011 season

But please hold your adulation for just a moment; I have some exciting news….

The CFB Wizard is having a readers contest, yes you read that correctly.

The details of the contest are in this Week’s Pick’s so be sure and enter.

Now you may release your unbridled adulation for yours truly.

Enjoy your picks….

HIGH SCHOOL TEAM OF THE WEEK

This week’s High School Team of the week has a familiar player on the team that you have read about in a past article; Matt Jones of the Gretna High School Dragons in Nebraska.

Statistics and numbers don’t always tell the whole story in a game or even in a season for that matter and there isn’t a measuring stick for leadership, other than results.

That being said last week Matt’s numbers don’t jump off the page at you, but that young man is a winner and so are his teammates.

Last week In a matchup between undefeated teams that drew an estimated 2,500 to Elkhorn Stadium, the Class B No. 3 Dragons (8-0) clinched the District 3 championship in advance of next Friday’s regular-season finale at home against winless Elkhorn Mount Michael.

“Our defense did great,’’ Dragons quarterback Matt Jones said. “Our line had some great blocking that made some holes for (Andy) Janovich.”

Andy Janovich, the Dragons’ fullback, popped free for a 68-yard touchdown on the game’s second play and closed the scoring with a lookalike 48-yarder on the final play of the third quarter.

A state champion wrestler and returning Class B all-state linebacker, the 6-1, 205-pounder had a season-best 181 yards on 12 carries with three touchdowns as he pushed his team-leading season total to 617 yards on only 73 attempts.

“He’s our short-yardage back,’’ Jones said, “but he has a little bit of speed.”

Elkhorn Coach Mark Wortman won’t disagree.

“He’s just that good,’’ the coach said. “He’s a wrestler, so he has good balance. You have trouble bringing him down. It looks like he just sheds tacklers if you only try to arm-tackle.”

Elkhorn ran 60 plays to Gretna’s 40. In the second half, the Antlers had the ball for 28 of the first 37 snaps and didn’t score.

The No. 4 Antlers (7-1) got their first-half touchdowns on an over-the-shoulder catch by Ryan Michael that went for a 53-yard pass play from Daniel Feickert and a 10-yard run by Graham Nabity in the final minute to trail by only 21-14.

Nabity’s 136 yards on 25 carries increased his season totals to 1,034 yards and 15 touchdowns.

“By far they were the best team we’ve played this year,” Gretna coach Chad Jepsen said. “We knew it would be a battle.”

Congratulations Dragons, you earned it.

COACH’S SPEAK

We often times hear coaches speak and we aren’t really sure what they mean or what the implications of what they are saying and how that transcends to the football field. Have no fear.

I am going to help you understand what coach’s “mean what they mean” when they “say what they say”

SOUTH CAROLINA: Last week Coach Steve dismissed Gamecock Quarterback Stephen Garcia from the football team (for the thirteenth time) because “The Ole Ball Coach” said…
“Stephen failed a test….”

What Coach Steve meant by this statement was….
“That boy could have peed a Technicolor rainbow, raped a Nun and robbed a liquor store and I wouldn’t have cared a bit as long as he was throwing touchdowns instead of interceptions”

OLE MISS: Prior to the game with the University of Alabama Crimson Tide…
Coach Houston Nutt “suspended” four Rebel players for unknown reasons..
Coach Nutt had this to say about the suspensions
“I hated to suspend them all and it’s going to hurt us in this game but there is nothing more important than team disciple”

What Houston Nut meant to say was…..

“I knew we were going to get our asses kicked between our shoulder blades anyway so I suspended those guys so, after we got the hell beat out of us, I can say that we might have won the game if I didn’t have to suspend those guys. It’s a win-win.”

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Hello from the heart of SEC Country!!!

The Big Blue Trojans from here in Telfair County took the long trip down to Folkston for a matchup against the Charlton County Indians. The trip must have taken a toll on our hometown heroes as they made the long trip back to McRae on the short end of a 42-0 score. Try as they might, it just doesn’t seem like the offense has been able to generate anything against some of the powerhouse teams of Region 2-A. But, once again, our Trojans fought long and hard in the losing effort. Next up for the Trojans is a matchup against a traditional Class A football power in the state of Georgia; the Clinch County Panthers from down in Homerville. The Panthers bring with them 5 wins to go with 2 uncharacteristic losses in a game that the Trojans have been looking forward to all season. I know our boys will represent us well!!!

Oh, and don’t forget about the Milan Harvest Festival on the 22nd of October. It’s a fun filled festival with plenty of fun to be had by one and all. And the special entertainment will be the Poultry Palace!! Yes, you will be amazed by these trained chickens which sing, dance, talk, and do some impressive tricks!!! Also, there will be opportunities for the kids to interact with the birds. This is “must see” entertainment down on Main Street in Milan, Ga. For those of you interested, here is the link to Poultry Palace: http://www.poultrypalace.net/

On Saturday, the Red Clay Hounds traveled to Nashville to take on the Shipmates of Vandy. The Navigators nearly upended the visiting Dawgs as Georgia held on for a 33-28 victory. The outcome was in doubt right up until the last few seconds of the game as a blocked punt gave the ‘Dores the ball at the Georgia 20 yard line with 7 seconds left. The Athenians held on for the victory, but, it was a little too close for comfort.

Meanwhile, up in Charlottesville, VA, the Ramblin wreck strode in with a number 12 ranking in the polls and left with a 24-21 loss that will surely cause them to drop like a rock in the newest polls. The Bees once again failed to play defense as they allowed the Cavalier Crew to rack up 272 yards on the ground. The difference this week was that the offense couldn’t get on track for the Trade School as they could only muster 21. It was a tough loss for the Atlantans as they were off to their best start since ’66.

Up the road at Paulson Stadium, the Birds of Southern were more like buzzards, as they shredded the visiting Paladins of Furman to the tune of 50 – 20, and then feasted on the carcass. 5 different players scored in the shellacking and even the Defense got involved as they blocked an extra point and ran it back to add 2 more points to the tally. The Blue Clad Birds tacked up the most points in the rivalry since 1998′s 45 – 17 victory and was an appropriate ending as they saluted the 1986 National Championship team.

Elsewhere, the Crimson Tide turned into a bloody tsunami as they thoroughly devastated an outmatched and outclassed Ole Miss team by a 52-7 margin. And the score still doesn’t tell the story on how much of a route this really was. Trent Richardson racked up over 180 yards and also gave us a Heisman signature moment on a 76 yard run as he made the Rebs look like a Junior High Team.

The Bayou Bengals added another notch to their win column as they dismantled the Coon Hounds by a score of 38-7 in Knoxville. The Vols may have got a little bit of false hope after finishing the 1st quarter tied up at 0. But, the Big Cats bared their claws and reminded the homestanding Tennesseans that this was not last year as they piled on the points to make sure Les Miles didn’t have to manage the clock.

And down at Davis-Wade over in Starkville, the Chickens escaped with their lives as they were almost Southern Fried by the pesky Bulldogs. These roosters almost broke the rules of nature by nearly laying an egg in a 14-12 win. QB Conner Shaw tossed a jump ball to a leaping Alshon Jeffery to give the visiting Columbians the victory. But this one will be bittersweet as the Gamecocks finally got rid of the troubled Stephen Garcia and lost workhorse RB Marcus Lattimore to a knee injury. No word yet on how serious it is but let’s wish the young man well.

Up in Tortoise-land, the Clemson Tigers were obviously sickened by the sight of the homestanding Terrapins home uniforms and fell behind 28-10. Young QB Tajh Boyd was obviously fed some Dramamine by Coach Dabo Swinney and led the comeback as the #8 Orange clad Cats to come away from a 56-45 shootout with a win.

The Nuts from the North got by the Ilini with a gameplan that Coach Luke “The Pickel” Fickell designed to keep the ball out of QB Braxton Miller’s hands. It worked like a charm. I’m sure the Buckie’s will be bucking for a place in the polls after the game but if the pollsters are smart they’ll remember that the Cheeseheads of Wisconsin loom on the horizon for the ‘Eyes and won’t waste their votes.

And, finally, the Trojans of USC made the Cal Bruins pay for their fashion faux pas by taking this game 30-9. The 5-1 Kiffin led T-bones created numerous turnovers in the win over a fellow weak sister in the PAC (Pitiful Athletic Conference)-12. I will give this to the PAC-12. They can count, unlike other conferences, although I suspect Stanford had something to do with that.

Well, folks, it’s that time again. Let’s get to the Peach State Prognostication. Let’s take a close, in-depth look at what happened with our two in-state institutions of higher learning. The Dawgs dodged a bullet and the Wreck threw a rod. Georgia is winning the games it’s supposed to win, but, beating traditional SEC bottom feeders in less than convincing fashion is not impressive. However, an SEC road win will get you some bonus points. On the other hand, a loss to a traditionally mediocre conference rival in the ACC (Athletically Challenged Conference) will make your stock drop faster than Barrack Obama’s poll numbers. With that in mind, I’m picking this one 35-17 Cow College. When you’re defense can’t stop an angry Chihuahua, the opponent’s offense is going to plow through you like Rosie O’Donnell at a Dolly Madison factory, it’s as simple as that.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

THE CFB WIZARD READER CONTEST

As promised Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will have a monthly contest until the end of the season and the winners will have the chance to meet and hang out with The CFB Wizard at an upcoming book signing and discuss a variety of college football topics over lunch as well as receive an autographed picture of my Black Lab “Doc”
(He signs all his own autographs)

This week’s Contest involves a test of your College Football Knowledge.

In the picture below can you identify the lone Oklahoma Sooner’s Cheerleader amongst the Nebraska Cornhusker’s Cheerleaders?

Please submit your answers via the CFB Wizard website, you must be at least eighteen (18) years old to enter and all employees, staff and unpaid interns of the CFB Wizard are not illegible.

The Winners will be named in upcoming articles…

Good Luck!

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Sir,
I got this problem and I wanna know if you kin help me.
See, I got this, ah, friend who got in trouble after tha Alabama-Auburn game last year.
He got all liquered up, and got all mad, and when out and, well…. let’s say he messed up some bushes that belonged to the sorry-assed Auburn folks over in Timmy’s Corners.
Well, after that he was kinda skeered but he called up this radio fella that was doin a show and told em what he done and all and the dang law tracked him down. Well, after that all them dang Auburn Tiger people started messin with him and he had ta move outta the state fer awhile after he got through with some jailin and court stuff.
So he got himself a lawyer but that dang fella said not to call that radio fella and, well, my friend just couldn’t help hisself and he kept callin. I mean, Barbara Dooley calls them folks up all the time and nobody gets her in trouble. Now the lawyer fella up and quit on my friend. So here’s my question, is there such a thang as a law bout killin a bush or two?
Is them Auburn folks a bunch of bush huggers?
And do you know where I can get me another good lawyer? Ah, for my friend?

Thanks Mr Wizard –
ArveyHay Dikeupway

A: I don’t care who you are, this is funny as hell.

Q: Hey Dude are you going to join us at the “Occupy Wall Street” March?

Chip – Ithaca, New York

A: Chip I think you stumbled across the wrong website…
I think you are looking for…

I’m a Dumbass.org

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

DELTA STATE: Congratulations to the Fighting Okra for knocking off the previously undefeated North Alabama Lions and taking over the Number 1 position in Division II Football.

That was one heck of a game.

OLE MISS: Do you still have a “Marching Band” or did you find that “politically incorrect” too?
The reason I ask is….
During the game last week with Alabama your public address system at the stadium belted out an 80’s soundtrack throughout the entire game; I never once heard the marching band play.

ESPN COLLEGE GAME DAY: As I have mentioned on numerous occasions…
I dearly love ESPN’s College Game Day, it’s the best there is anywhere…

But they punted one in the stands last Saturday with the segment entitled..
“College Football Fashion Police”

Attempting to justify the ugly ass uniforms of Maryland, Michigan and Oregon doesn’t make us like them any better; it makes us loath them all the more.

KENTUCKY: I want to take this time to apologize to the Kentucky Wildcat Football Fans…
For not picking their game last Saturday. But here is what happened…

It was a close contest but the Wildcats pulled it out with a late field goal in the closing moments

The Score….
Kentucky 17 Bye Week 14….

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE: Speaking of the University of Kentucky Football Team…
With all the talk of the Texas A&M Aggies joining the Southeastern Conference, the National Sports media has missed another story of interest going on in the Conference.
While Texas A&M is in the process of joining the SEC, The University of Kentucky Football team is looking to move to the 13th Region of Kentucky 5A High School Football under the stipulation that they don’t have to play the Mighty (8-0) Harlan County Black Bears for two years.

More on this story as it develops…

ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL STUDIO: This message is for Ms. Wendi Nix in the ESPN College Football Studio…..

We all know that you are just as cute as can be….

But sweetheart, you need to learn how to “pronounce” the names of the respective colleges and the names of their teams if you are going to give a score update. I know, I know….

“Wisconsin” is a BIG word and so is “Louisiana State University” which is actually three words

But if you don’t get “Hooked on Phonics” very quickly….
Your employers at ESPN are going to think you are drinking on the job.

CARSON NEWMAN: Has the Spark gone out of the Eagles?

TEXAS TECH: Are you all missing Coach Mike Leach yet? Just wondering…

MICHIGAN: The “new” Wolverine uniforms look like a group of ten year olds ate some high lighters and then vomited on some blue jerseys. And if that isn’t bad enough…

I have on good authority that the “new” uniforms with the large “M” on the front of the Michigan jerseys almost caused the Wolverines to be late for the opening kickoff last week.

The Michigan players thought all the jersey’s were medium’s and they spent most of the morning looking for their correct sizes.

ST OALF: Congratulations on winning the Cereal Bowl and the Goat Trophy last week..
I told you all that was a serious rivalry, didn’t I?

SOUTH CAROLINA: So they say that Coach Steve is an “Offensive Genius…”
Well they got it half right…..

CBS COLLEGE FOOTBALL: I don’t know which was worse last week…

CBS College Football “commentator” Vern Lunquest trying to “feel up” Peyton Manning in the booth…..
Or Peyton Manning seemingly enjoying it

SEC REFEREE’S: So let me be sure I have this right….
Ole Miss got beat by the score of 52 to 7 last week and they didn’t have a single penalty?
Not one?

One of the best defenses in the entire country rushes the passer and nobody holds, not once?
Really?

So here’s my question, if Ole Miss didn’t commit any errors then how did they lose?

PAC 12: I read recently that “television revenue is down in the PAC 12 Conference and the Conference is going to create a committee to determine the reason for the loss of viewership”

Let me save you dumbasses some time so you don’t have to convene a damn committee.

Your football games come on at Midnight on the East Coast (That’s Eastern Standard Time if you are unaware) and Eleven o’clock Central Time and NOBODY is going to stay up and watch those games after watching Oklahoma, LSU, Alabama, and Clemson, Wisconsin etc…

There is your answer, think of me as a “time saver”, no need to thank me.

GEORGIA: If your coaches want to wrestle (or Wrastle as we say in the South) with opposing coaches there is a league for that and it isn’t in college football.

CLEMSON: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

ALABAMA: If this isn’t the run of the week, then I don’t know what is….
It’s worth another look

Enjoy….

Click here to view the embedded video.

THE GAMES

Thursday October 20th

Central Florida at UAB
One thing you can say about the Blazers, they have been consistent all year.
O’ SO very GOLDEN KNIGHTS 38-10

West Alabama at West Georgia
These two teams are battling to see who makes the playoffs and who stays at home.
It’s going to be a barn burner, believe it.
BAMA WEST 31-28

UCLA at Arizona
This is the very best game on Thursday Night at Midnight on ESPN U
Yippee
BRUINS 24-21

Friday October 21st

Rutgers at Louisville
I’m not so sure the Cardinal’s are all that Strong right now.
JERSEY BOY’S 28-24

West Virginia at Syracuse
I hope Otto the Orange isn’t setting on a couch when this game is over.
That costume of his looks flammable to me.
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 31-21

Saturday October 22nd

Indiana at Iowa
Another Big Ten or whatever Game and you know what that means
That’s right kids, another Rivalry Trophy!
This rivalry in farm country is played for the John Deere Tractor Terrarium Trophy
(I hear it’s all in 3D)
HAWKEYES 34-17

Oklahoma State at Missouri
I am afraid the Prairie Wind is going to do naughty things to MO…
But I think Larry and Curley will be alright as long as they get out of the way.
COWBOY UP! 38-24

Cincinnati at South Florida
The Boy’s from Tampa started the Season out with a Bang….
And then fizzled out like a wet firecracker.
I don’t get it
BEARKATS 33-28

North Carolina Pembroke at Carson Newman
I am trying to believe that the Spark hasn’t gone out of the Mighty Eagles
I really am trying….
SPARK’S EAGLES 38-34

Kansas State at Kansas
This instate rivalry is called “The Sunflower Showdown”
I am glad it isn’t called the “Petunia Playoff” or I would have had to make fun of it.
WILDCATS 24-21

Illinois at Purdue
Guess what’s coming up…..
That’s Right, another rivalry Trophy!
The winners of this game receive the Ricardo Montalban Rich Corinthian Leather Trophy
The losers of the game get to drive a rusted out 80’s model Chrysler Cordoba for a year.
People in this part of the country like to think of this game as a win-win.
Also a Purdue Cannon is involved somehow, which is strange.
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 28-17

Jacksonville State at Kentucky
The Wildcats are coming off an impressive showing during the Bye Week…
And the Gamecocks of J-Ville aren’t what they once were a couple of years ago.
BIG BLUE WILDCATS 24-10

Arkansas at Ole Miss
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt…..
This week, not so much..
HAWGS 34-17

Delaware at Rhode Island
I stand by my convictions…
I cannot pick a team whose entire existence is predicated on a lie.
Rhode Island ISN’T a Damn Island! Get it straight people!
BLUE HENS 38-17

Western Michigan at Eastern Michigan
Another Battle in the Land of Michigan for the Chili MAC and Cheese Trophy!
If you add some chopped onions and Tabasco to that Trophy, it’s delicious.
BRONCO’S 34-28

Marist at Butler
This game really made me think….
I sure hope Marist has a Butler…
That girl deserves that kind of treatment, she is a real Fox
RED FOXES 28-24

Valdosta State at Delta State
The Delta Fighting Okra has another Top 5 opponent this week in the Mighty Blazers.
It’s going to be a championship fight until the final whistle blows.
Believe it
FIGHTING OKRA 31-28

Central Michigan at Ball State
This game may finally answer the question…
How much wood could a Chippewa chuck if a Chippewa could chuck wood?
(Say that one three times fast and see what happens)
CARDINAL’S 34-28

Cal Poly at North Dakota
Does Polly want a cracker?
How about some……
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-17
(I just love saying that…)

Muhlenberg at Juniata
I know a couple of things about this game that may have an outcome on the contest.
Juanita has what we like to refer to as an “Anger Management Problem” and she likes to scrap and by that I don’t mean “Scrap Book”.
And the Mule Face Girl, well….
I hear she has a “Great Personality”….
J-LO 28-13

New Mexico at Texas Christian
The Lobo’s get the Lowdown on a Horn Frog Beat Down in Cow Town
Believe it
HORNED FROGS 43-17

Presbyterian at Georgia Southern
The only “Blue” the Blue Ho’s are going to get in this game is “The Statesboro Blues”
SOUTHERN EAGLES 43-21

Idaho State at Brigham Young
I don’t know if Famous Potatoes State has any Ida Honkies like the University of Idaho does
But you can’t stop a man from dreaming….
COUGARS 41-17

North Dakota State at South Dakota State
There is a lot of Dakota and States in this game.
But as Vince Vaughn would say in “Four Christmas’s”…
“This is how we handle our business in the Bison State momma…”
BIG OLE BISONS 34-28

Boston College at Virginia Tech
It’s official….
The Hokey Pokeys have turned themselves around
FIGHTING TURKEYS 24-17

Temple at Bowling Green
The Hooting has gone out of the owls and the Falcons are flying again.
Sorry, but that’s how it is…
GREEN FALCONS 33-17

Memphis at Tulane
This game will be like watching two old people in a nursing home fighting over a cup of pudding
At first it’s kind of funny, and then it’s just sad.
ELVIS’S TIGERS 17-13

Air Force at Boise State
I never would have thought the Mighty United States Air Force Academy couldn’t fly….
But they sure are playing like it lately
BRONCO’S 43-24

East Carolina at Navy
Ever since the game against the Air Force Academy…..
I am afraid my Midshipmen have run aground.
PIRATES 38-21

Auburn at LSU
I have some advice for the Auburn folks in this game.
I wouldn’t let that drunken War Eagle fly around too much in Death Valley…
The Folks down there will kill and eat anything.
Welcome to Death Valley
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 38-14

Oregon at Colorado
I am having a hard time remembering why I should care about this game…
That’s right I don’t, never mind.
QUACKS 6-3

Ursinus at Susquehanna
The University playing Susie this weekend reminds me of all the times I got in trouble in Astronomy class in College. The female Professor would ask….
”Young man what are you staring at?”
And I would reply….
“I’m staring at your Uranus”
(That joke never got old for me…)
SUSIE Q 31-17

Ohio at Akron
This game features another Buckeye State Battle and Rivalry…
This one is played for the Yak Ass Trophy, which looks eerily similar to…
Rosie O’Donnell’s face, when she hasn’t shaved.
I’m just saying….
FRANK’S CATS 33-31

Texas A&M at Iowa State
The Cyclones haven’t generated enough wind lately to classify as a decent popcorn fart
GIG EM AGGIES 41-24

Nebraska at Minnesota
The Groundhogs came out of their respective holes last week and saw their shadows…
And you know what that means…
Six more weeks of losing football games..
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 43-10

Montana State at Northern Colorado
The Bears of Colorado have been improving each week this season…
But not so much this week
BOBCATS 31-17

Fresno State at Nevada
You know what they say..
“What Happens in Vegas, usually results in an untreatable STD”
WOLF PACK 38-17

Marshall at Houston
My Fans in Beautiful Huntington West Virginia know I appreciate them and I pull for the Thundering Herd each and every week. But there is an exception to every rule…
This week being the exception to that particular rule
MIGHTY COUGARS 38-21

Montana at Northern Arizona
The Lumberjacks can’t climb high enough to get away from the….
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 34-13

Miami (OH) at Toledo
This evenly matched rivalry in the Buckeye State is played for the coveted…
“Jimmy Crack Corn Trophy”
Because I don’t care…
REDHAWKS 28-24

Utah at California
I am really excited about this game!
I have never seen Two Utes ride a bear before!
TWO UTES 28-24

Army at Vanderbilt
The Commodores (Not the unbelievably talented Musical Group) almost beat the Georgia Bulldogs last Saturday night and that’s good enough for me here.
BRICKHOUSE COMMODORES 34-17

MIT at Salve Regina
I don’t know why the Mississippi Institute of Technology is playing this Yugoslavian girl
But she better have her “Big Girl” pants on for this game, those Mississippi Folks are tough.
MISS TECH 31-17

Penn State at Northwestern
There was time when the Wildcats could compete with Joe Pa and the Happy Valley Lions.
This however isn’t the time
JOE PA’S LIONS 33-17

Tulsa at Rice
Rice University has one of the most extensive research and testing facilities that you could find anywhere in the country and their Engineering Department is second to none.
Which of course means absolutely nothing here…
I just wanted to say something positive before the Owls got their ass kicked.
GOLDEN HURRICANES 38-14

Louisiana Monroe at North Texas
I have an idea that will help Monroe get those blood stains out of his uniform.
Try using a little…
MEAN GREEN 28-17

Tennessee at Alabama
The team’s records or standings don’t matter in this game
This game is Republicans and Democrats
Oil and Water
Cowboys and Indians
Except its worse…

Click here to view the embedded video.

Amen Brother…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-17

Southern California at Notre Dame
This age old grudge feast is played for the coveted “Jeweled Shillelagh”
You can catch all the action of this gridiron matchup on NBC….
Which of course stands for “No Body Cares”
FIGHTING IRISH 28-24

Texas Tech at Oklahoma
So Red Raider fans…..
How do you like that Coach Tommy Tub now?
If he is a “defensive genius” then I’m a Polish Astronaut…
BOOMER SOONERS 52-10

Washington at Stanford
I have two very good reasons why I will not be able to watch this game…
“Sea Monkeys” on QVC “For Fun and Profit”
Actually that is more than two words, but you get the picture
CARDINAL 44-17

Wisconsin at Michigan State
This game will be a lot (a Lot) closer than you might think…
So don’t be surprised if it goes the other way
BUCKY BADGER 28-24

Southern Methodist at Southern Miss
Both of these teams are Red Hot…
It’s sure to be one heck of a game in Hattiesburg
It’s a Toss-up
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-28

Hope at Trine
I really Hope Trine Wins this game…
WATERMELON TRINE 24-17

Middle Tennessee at Florida Atlantic
I believe the Owls are all but Hooted out in this one
BLUE RAIDERS 34-17

Colorado State at UTEP
This is sure to be a Big game in the…..
Western Middle Somewhere out West Not in My Time Zone Conference
I can hardly wait
MINERS 28-21

Oregon State at Washington State
I haven’t been this disappointed in Beavers since I went to my first Carnival Sideshow
(NO, it wasn’t that kind of Carnival Sideshow)
Never mind….
MIGHTY BEAVERS 24-21

Maryland at Florida State
If the Fighting Linoleum Floor Panels wear those God awful uniforms to Tallahassee…
Then I have an idea where Chief Osceola can plant his spear.
MIGHTY SEMINOLES 38-28

Georgia Tech at Miami
The Rambler’s Wrecked last Saturday; But Hurricane Season is just about over
YELLOW JACKETS 34-24

St Olaf at Augsburg
St. O’ has won the prized Cereal Bowl and the coveted Goat Trophy last week.
(Did I not tell you all that was a serious rivalry, believe me now?)
And that’s good enough for me.
ST. OLIE 28-17

North Carolina at Clemson
The Tar Heels will keep this one close for a little while…
But these aren’t the same Ole Tigers that fade when the season goes along.
These Tigers are for Real; Believe it
DABO’S TIGERS 34-24

North Carolina State at Virginia
These Pack of Wolves are playing more like a fresh litter of Chihuahua puppies
CAVALIERS 24-10

Wake Forest at Duke
The Blue Devils will keep this one close….
Until they hear “And the Home of the Brave…”
Then they will be down by two touchdowns
DEMON DEACONS 38-17

Sunday October 23rd

New Mexico State at Hawaii
This game in Hawaii is an upset and I will tell you why…
I’m upset that “Dog the Bounty Hunter” still hasn’t started their new Season on A&E
(Please see your local listings for times in your area)
LASSO LARRY 31-28

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I was traveling recently and was forced to set next to a group of folks from New York City complaining about “Everything in the South” and for the record….

I am convinced that a New York accent is the greatest birth control device known to mankind.

And it occurred to me during this ear rape I was experiencing that I had received an email recently that was perfect for this occasion. I want to share that with you now…

I think it’s just perfect

Enjoy….

This was written by Robert St. John, executive chef and owner of the Purple Parrot Cafe, Crescent City Grill and Mahogany Bar of Hattiesburg, MS.
And for the record those aren’t the only fine restaurants in Mississippi!

My South

Thirty years ago I visited my first cousin in Northern Virginia.
While hanging out with his friend, the discussion turned to popular movies of the day.

When I offered my two-cents on the authenticity and social relevance of the movie Billy Jack, one of the boys asked, in all seriousness; “Do you guys have movie theaters down there?”
To which I replied, “Yep. We wear shoes too.”

Just three years ago, my wife and I were attending a food and wine seminar in Aspen, Colo. We were seated with two couples from Las Vegas. One of the Glitter Gulch gals was amused and downright rude when I described our restaurant as a fine-dining restaurant.

“Mississippi doesn’t have fine-dining restaurants!” she insisted and nudged her companion. I fought back the strong desire to mention that she lived in the land that invented the 99-cent breakfast buffet.

I wanted badly to defend my state, my region, and my restaurant with a 15-minute soliloquy and public relations rant that would surely change her mind. It was at that precise moment that I was hit with a blinding jolt of enlightenment, and in a moment of complete and absolute clarity it dawned on me…..
My South is the best-kept secret in the country.
Why would I try to win this woman over? She might move down here.

I am always amused by Hollywood’s interpretation of the South. We are still, on occasion, depicted as a collective group of sweaty, stupid, backwards-minded, racist rednecks.
The South of movies and TV, the Hollywood South, is not my South.

This is my South:

My South is full of honest, hardworking people. My South is the birthplace of blues and jazz, and rock n’ roll. It has banjo pickers and fiddle players, but it also has BB King, Muddy Waters, the Allman Brothers, Lynyrd Skynyrd , Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, Emmylou Harris and a guy named Elvis.

My South is hot. My South smells of newly mowed grass. My South still has kick the can, creek swimming, cane-pole fishing and bird hunting.

In my South, football is King, and the Southeastern Conference is the Kingdom.

My South is home to the most beautiful women on the planet.

In my South, soul food and country cooking are the same thing.

My South is full of fig preserves, cornbread, butter beans, fried chicken, grits and catfish.

In my South, our transistor radios introduced us to the Beatles and the Rolling Stones at the same time they were introduced to the rest of the country.

In my South, grandmothers cook a big lunch every Sunday, so big that we call it dinner
(supper comes later).

In my South, family matters, deeply.

My South is boiled shrimp, blackberry cobbler, peach ice cream, banana pudding and cream pies.

In my South people put peanuts in bottles of Coca-Cola and hot sauce on almost everything.

In my South the tea is iced and almost as sweet as the women.

My South has air-conditioning.

My South is camellias, azaleas, wisteria and hydrangeas.

In my South, the only person that has to sit on the back of the bus is the last person that got on the bus.

In my South, people still say ‘Yes, ma’am,’ ‘No ma’am,’ ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you.’

In my South, we all wear shoes….most of the time.

My South is the best-kept secret in the country.

Please continue to keep the secret. . . .it keeps the idiots away.

Amen Brother

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

This week….
I write to you from high atop my mountain compound that is the RTR Ranch and Sanatorium.

I felt obligated to be in a “safe” place to write this week since the Illinois Fighting Pumpkins and the Kansas State Wildcats are both undefeated (6-0) for the first time since the Pilgrims played a Thanksgiving Football game. Because as we all know, that is one of the first signs of the coming Apocalypse.

But enough about the end of the world, let’s talk College Football

Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…
Despite screwing up the “High School Player of the Week” nominations…
And getting embarrassed with “Upset Specials” that only seemed to upset yours truly..

Was an astounding 48 and 11 or 81%
(Please hold your astonishment until the very end of the article..)

That leaves the CFB Wizard after 6 weeks in the college football season at 348 and 77 or 82%

Now you may release your individual astonishment…

Enjoy your Picks…

HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER OF THE WEEK

The 50th annual Winnersville Classic in Georgia between the Valdosta Wildcats and Lowndes County Vikings was played in front a packed Martin Stadium last Friday night with the Wildcats coming up with an amazing 21-17 victory. The Cats were led by Jr. Quarterback Shelby Wilkes who was a backup player when the season started. This improbable win was the first for Valdosta since 2003 and seemed all but impossible heading into the final minute of play with Lowndes up 17-7 on the visiting Cats. Wilkes led the Cats on a 60 yard drive with 48 seconds left. Valdosta then recovered the onside kick to give Wilkes one last shot. That was all he needed as he connected with Avery Burney for a 35 yard touchdown to send the visitors to a victory.

Congratulations to Shelby Wilkes and the Valdosta Wildcats!

SOUTH GEORGIA NEWS and VIEWS

Hello from the heart of SEC country!!

I’m sad to report that the hometown Trojans lost another tough game to Region 2-A opponent Irwin County Friday night. The boys in blue traveled to Ocilla to take on the home standing Indians and came away on the short end of a 21-3 score. These boys played tough and fought hard all night but just couldn’t push the rock across the goal line. The season may be two thirds complete, but you can see definite improvement with every game that goes by.

Next up is a trip down south to Folkston, Georgia to take on the 6-1 Indians of Charlton County. It’s going to be a long trip to take on a tough team, but I’ve got faith that the Trojans will represent Telfair County with pride and courage.

Up in the Georgia state capitol, the Paul Johnson’s Bee’s took on the Astro-Terps of Maryland and held on by the fuzz of their thoraxes for a 21-16 win. Two weeks in a row these bees knees have played down to the competition. The Trade School was held to a season low in points, total offense, and passing yards against one of the weak(er) sisters of the Almost Competitive Conference. Defense got a stop in the 4th quarter to actually salvage a win. The Wreck takes on Virginia next week in another game against a less than stellar opponent.

Meanwhile, up the road in Knoxville, the Red Clay Hounds took on the Orange Clad Volunteers and walked away with a 20-12 win. The 6-6 score at halftime didn’t begin to tell the tale of futility of the two opponents as the two teams traded field goals. The Cow College distanced themselves in the 3rd with a couple of touchdowns and the defense played with inspiration to turn the orange-clad Knox-villains away and keep them out of the end zone. Next up for the Hounds is a tough Vanderbilt team coming to play between the hedges. The Dawgs continue to show improvement as the season goes on, but, the true test of their mettle will be in two weeks with a trip to Jacksonville for the renewal of the annual World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.

And up in Statesboro, the Pigeons hung on to pin a loss on the visiting Snakes from Chattanooga. The Eagles took a 21-7 lead to the locker room at halftime but the Mocs put a scare into the hometown crowd by tying the score with just over 9 minutes left in the fourth. QB Jaybo Shaw put the hometown heroes up with a Southern 4th quarter score but the Chattanoogaan’s weren’t done as they also scored the potential game tying touchdown. Fortunately, Eagle’s defender Josh Rowe rushed the Mocs QB on the 2 point conversion attempt and the ball fell harmlessly to the Erk Russel rug to preserve the number 1 ranked Eagle’s win.

In other action, a new era was ushered into Williams-Brice Stadium as the Kentucky Wildcats traveled to Columbia to take on the Conner Shaw led Gamecocks. What a difference a week makes. After being left for dead by the Barners of Alabama, the Gamecocks hung 54 points on the Lexington Big Blue. And once again the defense got in on the action with 6 turnovers. It’s only Kentucky, Gamecock fans, so don’t make reservations to the SEC Championship game yet.

Over in Bryant-Denny, the Tuscaloosa Pachyderms sent the Commodores down the gang plank as they sunk Vanderbilt 34-0. A.J. McCarron had season highs in TDs and passing yards as the Boys from Bama posted scores in all 4 quarters in another convincing SEC win.

Mark November 5th on your calendars folks.
The immovable object meets the unstoppable force as the Bayou Bengals travel to T-Town for a game that may also leave people on the front rows of the stadium battered and bruised!

Over in Fayetteville, the Razorbacks took on the Tigers from the Plains, who have an identity crisis since they have an Eagle for a mascot, and dropped the visitors to 4-2 on the season with a convincing 38-14 win. The Aubies were soundly thrashed by their hosts and left holding a rather tenuous grip on 3rd place in the SEC West.

Elsewhere, the Oklahoma Sooners took on the Longhorns of Texas in the Red River Rivalry. No, Texas, that wasn’t a Sooner Schooner that ran over you, it was a Mack Truck. The Pioneers thoroughly dominated Bevo’s Boys to the tune of 55-17. It was close after 15 minutes but once the Okie Dokie got hot they tore through Texas like a prairie fire.

Clemson continued its winning ways with a sound win against the visiting Boston College Iggles. QB Tajh Boyd was hurt in the win but it’s not thought to be too serious. The Orange Tigers take on the Rambling Wreck in Bobby-Dodd in two weeks in a game which will determine which of these two is a contender and which one is a pretender.

Up in corn country, the Corn Shuckers turned away the Nutty Buddies of Ohio in one of the greatest comebacks in Nebraska history. The Taylor Martinez led Farm Hands came back from a 21 point deficit to turn the visitors around and send the visitors back to Columbus sporting a 3-3 record. And finally, the Golden Domers topped the Wing Nuts of Air Force 59-33. In the first of two games against the Service Academies, the South Benders routed another less than stellar opponent in their attempt to occupy a spot in the bottom of the top 25. But, one question comes to mind that I’ve always wanted to ask. Why does a Catholic School have a mural of Touchdown Jesus in their end zone? Are they trying to send a message to the Pope?

Now it’s time again for the Peach State Prognostication. I really didn’t see much to get excited about from either team. But, get ready Dawg fans, for the pendulum is swinging.

I’m going to have to go with the Clark Countians by a 27-21 score this week.

Why, you ask? Simple; Defense. The Jackets don’t have much and the Dawgs do. The futility of the offenses offset each other. Plus, after coming off of a rough two weeks to start the season, the Athenians are showing character in winning by any means necessary.
I could be wrong, but gut feeling says the tide may be turning.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.

And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

(FULL MOON) EMAILS OF THE WEEK

Q: You are a damn raciest! I have never in my life read such garbage!

Do you have any idea that comparisons like you made with Coach Phil Fulmer to monkeys are raciest?
Or are you just that stupid? I have never read anything so insulting and degrading!

You should apologize for such disgusting rants.

Debra – Nashville, Tennessee

A: Thank you so much Debra for taking the time to point this out to me.
You are right.
I want to take this time to apologize to any Chimpanzees, Gorillas, Orangutans or Spider Monkeys that were offended by my comparisons of them to the vile and disgusting Phil Fulmer.

Q: Dear Mr Wizard,
I got this question that’s kinda puzzlin me an yore bout the smartest man on tha planet so I figured you could help me. I was watchin a football game on tha TV and they had this thing they give out that made me just scratch my haid. See theres this award they give to tha “top African-American scholar athlete.”
I just don’t understand that.
Aint that racist?
Didn’t that Marty Lutheran King fella say sumpin bout judgin folks by the contents of their characters and not by the color of their skin or sumpin like that? Well if you is judgin folks by that how can they just give out a award for a Afircan American college football fella cause he’s Afircan American?
And here’s sompin else that’s got me ta just shakin my head. They got that club called the N-A-A-C-P. Just in case you didn’t know, that means National Association for the Advancement of Colered people.
Well, I don’t know bout where you come from, but down in these here parts, if you say sumpin bout colered folks, theres some people that get real riled up. I mean, I don’t know whether ta say colered, or black, or Afircan American.

So, can you help me out and set me straight on somma this stuff. Im real confused.

Lemuel in Ludowici

A: Thank you for the fine compliment Lemuel, but I’m not sure I can help you out on this topic as I prefer to identify people by their names and not by something else. But…..
The good news in all this is that “Saltine Crackers” will be promoting their own scholarship athlete in the coming weeks.

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –

We are Big Fans! We love your column!
We have a question for you Mister Wizard!
So like what is the first thing you do every morning to get you ready for the day?

GO MIZZOU TIGERS!

Delores, Margaret and Janice – Kansas City, Missouri

A: Thank you for the kind email Ladies…
When I wake up the first thing I do each and every morning is….

“Remember the Alamo”

Q: Dear CFB Wizard –

I noticed that some weeks you “don’t do so well” on your college football picks.
(No disrespect intended)
So what is your secret to bouncing back from a tough week?
I am having kind of a tough time myself and was wondering what your secret was?

Thanks Dude your website rocks
Steve – Spartanburg, South Carolina

A: Thank you for the compliment on the website Steve..

I wouldn’t suggest my “method” for clearing one’s mind to anyone Steve it is far too harsh and potentially dangerous but “IF” you decide to submit yourself to such a treatment, then I can only wish you good luck and I will not answer any phone calls from your personal injury attorney.

I would suggest listening to “Black Oak Arkansas” backwards for three hours.

Then you will understand what they truly mean by “Jim Dandy to the Rescue”

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

SOUTH CAROLINA: So Coach Steve…..
You didn’t decide to take a knee in the last minute of the game; instead you opted to score again.
Then you thought it was “cute” to be a smartass at the post game news conference and make fun of Kentucky’s futility in the game. Classy Coach, real Classy.

Then to make things even better….
You have a complete PMS meltdown at your Tuesday news conference over (of all things) a reporter being in the room “you didn’t like”.

And to top it all off you kick Stephen Garcia off the team for what, the thirteenth time?

Sounds like somebody needs to retire…for good.

OREGON: Aren’t you all on probation yet or are you still Ducking the NCAA?

TEXAS: I was always told if you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.

So I won’t

DR. PEPPER COMMERCIAL: If I see your stupid commercial featuring some jackass in sunglasses singing some stupid Hip Hop crap to Dr. Pepper again; in the name of Elvis I swear I am going to shoot my television screen out.

AIR FORCE: I can’t believe I saw the United States Air Force get Bombed last Saturday…
And for the record I am talking about the game with Notre Dame not Saturday Night’s shenanigans at the Officers Club.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: How are you Trojans enjoying your Lame Kitten?

TEXAS A&M: I hope my article this week helped with you all with your “marriage plans”….

No need to thank me

TENNESSEE: I know Volunteer fans are frustrated, it’s because you are impatient and were used to winning, even if it was with thugs and criminals. But let this be said and let it sink in…

This is the first time in at least twenty years…..

Twenty years….

There hasn’t been any off season arrest of ANY Tennessee Football Players…

No Rapes, No attempted Murders, No Thefts, No Drunk and Fighting Police..NO Nothing.

This Coach has the team headed in the right direction and is in the process of restoring integrity to the football program; all you have to do is give him a chance.

That is unless having rapist, drug dealers and thugs on the team are “Ok” as long as you are winning.

OKLAHOMA: Congratulations on a Big win in the Red River Stampede

KENTUCKY: Coach Phillips this isn’t a Joke….

You better get it get it together real quick….
Even though The Kentucky Wildcats are the Men’s Basketball Flagship of the Conference, the Wildcat faithful don’t like getting their respective asses handed to them in such a rude fashion.

NCAA: The latest news….

MONTGOMERY, Ala. (AP) — The NCAA says it found no major violations committed by Auburn regarding Cam Newton or other pay-for-play allegations.

The NCAA released a statement Wednesday saying it has closed its 13-month investigation into Auburn’s recruitment of the Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback, whose father shopped his services to another school for nearly $200,000.

The NCAA also cleared Auburn in allegations by four former players that they received payments during their recruitment or careers.

The NCAA says “any allegations of major rules violations must meet a burden of proof, which is a higher standard than rampant public speculation online and in the media.”

It also says the investigation could be reopened if evidence surfaces.

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t think this is over, because it isn’t. More next week….

THE GAMES

Thursday October 13th

Texas Southern at Alabama A&M
This game is what college football is all about….
Cats against the Dogs
The Tigers of Southern will come up short in this contest
But their “Ocean of Soul Marching Band” is not to be missed
BAMA DOGS 31-27

Delta State at North Alabama
The Fighting Okra against my beloved Florence Lions
Both of these teams are red hot, but I have to go with the home team
(It’s an Alabama thing….)
MIGHTY LIONS 34-28

San Diego State at Air Force
I don’t know if the Falcons can recover from being carpet bombed by the Fighting Irish…
But I am betting they will…
FALCONS 33-31

Southern California at California
This “big” instate rivalry in California has been “renamed” recently to….
“More accurately reflect California values…”
Thus this rivalry is now named….
“The Illegal Aliens, Gay Lesbian Transgendered Diversity, Mudslides, Wildfires, Outrageous Taxes, Gridlock Traffic Game” or “IAGLTDMWOTGT Game” for short…

Catchy don’t you think?
LAMES TROJANS 17-10

Friday October 14th

Hawaii at San Jose State
I am as excited about this game as you all are….
I promise I am!
Because it reminds us all that “Dog the Bounty Hunter” will return to the A&E Network
This Fall on Wednesday Nights (Check your local listings for times)
WARRIORS Bounty Hunting across RAINBOWS 38-17

Saturday October 15th

Michigan at Michigan State
This instate rivalry is played each year for the coveted “Paul Bunyan Ax Trophy”
No word yet on who get’s “Babe” the Big Blue Ox.
WOLVERINES 38-17

Utah at Pittsburgh
Lately the Two Ute’s are playing like they got liquored up behind the playground.
Not that I am judging
I’m just saying….
TWO UTES 31-28

Salisbury at Alfred
I had no idea that the Salisbury Steak people had their own college.
That’s the kind of news that will give men everywhere hope
SALISBURY STEAK & GRAVY 24-17

Baylor at Texas A&M
This long standing Rivalry in the Lone State State has been played each year since 1899
They call it “The Battle of the Brazos”
It’s coming to an end because of the Aggies love of money
How proud they must be
BEAR DOWN 33-31

Indiana at Wisconsin
This “intense” rivalry in the Big Ten or Twelve is relatively new in comparison to their other conference rivalries. This particular rivalry is played for the…..
“Captain and Tennille Muskrat of Love Trophy”
As a safety tip: Always wash your hands after touching the Muskrat of Love Trophy
BADGERS 43-10

Toledo at Bowling Green
This battle in the Buckeye State is called “The Battle of I-75”
I think the winner gets a chunk of asphalt and a piece of an old guardrail
Which is nice
RICKY ROCKET 28-21

St Francis at Sacred Heart
Here we go again….
These arrogant people think they are the only ones with a “Sacred Heart”
Well I got a “News Flash” for them….
They Aren’t!
St. Francis was a pretty cool cat himself
PIONEERS 28-17

Campbell at Marist
I am not too sure about Gaylord the Camel
(But we all have our suspicions about Gaylord, don’t we?)
But I do know that Marist is a real Fox…
RED FOX’S 34-14

Moravian at Susquehanna
You may not believe this…
But Morey isn’t ready for Susie this Saturday….
She has a new pair of pink “Baby Girl” sweat pants and some Lee Press On Nails and that girl is ready for a tussle, Believe it.
SUSIE Q 28-10

Purdue at Penn State
You guessed it….
Another Big Ten or whatever game means “another” rivalry trophy
This game is played for the coveted “Joe Pa’s Dentures”
Which have bit the Boilermakers in the ass ever since the Lions joined the Big Ten.
Some things never change…
JOE PA’S LIONS 34-10

Louisville at Cincinnati
This Battle on the Ohio River is called “The Battle for the Keg of Nails”
And the winner of the game gets a…..
“Keg of Nails”
I think this game is sponsored by Home Depot
BEARKATS 28-24

South Carolina at Mississippi State
The Roosters and the Bulldogs sounds like a fight in the barnyard..
And that’s exactly what it will be too.
GAMECOCKS 24-20

Miami at North Carolina
These two teams confuse the hell out of me.
One week they look great and the next week…
They couldn’t beat the Breaux Bridge dance Academy
This one is a tossup
TAR HEELS 24-21

Navy at Rutgers
The Last team the Midshipmen went to New Jersey the local fans booed them…
That’s right…
They Booed the Midshipmen from the United States Naval Academy while the country is at war in two countries. I hope the Midshipmen haven’t forgotten it, I damn sure haven’t forgotten.
MIGHTY MIDSHIPMEN 31-24

Gardner Webb at Presbyterian
I have promised you loyal readers that I would have pictures of the Blue Ho’s Cheerleaders

I can’t tell if those ladies are cold or are they just big Smurf fans?
BLUE HO’S 34-17

UNLV at Wyoming
The Rebel’s haven’t been doing too much running and the Cowboys seem to have lost their horses, so this game is all about, who sucks worse than the other guys.
COWBOY UP! 21-17

Appalachian State at Citadel
The Mountaineers are going to take a rolled up newspaper and spank the Bulldogs.
MOUNTAINEERS 38-10

LSU at Tennessee
Last year…
The Volunteers had the Tigers beat in Death Valley until “simple math” raised its ugly head.
This one will be closer than you might think, a lot closer
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-21

Wabash at Oberlin
This game brings up a very interesting question….
I wonder if Oberlin can play the Wabash Cannonball.

I can almost hear Ole Roy Acuff singing now…

“Oh listen to the jingle
The rumble and the roar
As she glides along the woodlands
Through the hills and by the shore
Hear the mighty rush of her engine
Hear that lonesome hobo’s call
We’re travelling through the jungles
On the Wabash Cannonball”

Forgive me I was having a flashback there for a moment…
WABASH CANNONBALL 28-21

Furman at Georgia Southern
The Eagles of Southern continue their dominance for another week…
After a soundly thrashing of Furryman.
I wonder if that’s Chewbacca’s cousin.
SOUTHERN EAGLES 38-24

Florida State at Duke
Last week the Mighty Seminoles proved they weren’t so mighty after all…
They get their confidence back this week…
SEMINOLES 44-10

Rice at Marshall
Sorry Hoot Owls….
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-17

Jackson State at Mississippi Valley State
The Delta Devils get Deviled Egged in this one…
WALTER’S TIGERS 38-17

Northern Arizona at Montana State
The Lumberjacks of Arizona get chopped down by the pesky Bobcats
Believe it
BOBCATS 34-28

Eastern Michigan at Central Michigan
This instate Michigan Rivalry is played each year for the “Michigan MAC Trophy”
Not to be confused for the “Chili Mac and Cheese Trophy”
That thing is delicious
CHIPPEWA’S 28-24

Carleton at St. Olaf
This is a BIG Rivalry game and I’m not joking…
It’s called “The Cereal Bowl” and it’s played for The Goat Trophy and The Cereal Bowl Trophy
(Stop laughing, I’m serious)
ST OLES 31-28

Portland State at Montana
Last year the Vikings upset the Mighty Grizzlies….
Not this year
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 38-17

Juniata at Ursinus
If you think I am going to make a joke about Juanita having a Urine infection, you are wrong!
It’s a sinus infection
J-LO 24-17

South Florida at Connecticut
The Boy’s from Tampa get back to their winning ways this week
And that’s …
NO BULL 33-17

Colorado at Washington
This game isn’t too difficult to pick…
Since the Buffalo’s haven’t won a road game since William McKinley was President
HUSKIES 28-17

Miami (OH) at Kent State
Another Battle in the Buckeye state and this will be a good one…
It’s played each year for the “Kent State Sucks Trophy”
People up there like to think of it as a “Win-Win” kind of a thing…
REDHAWKS 31-28

Central Florida at Southern Methodist
The Boy’s from O-Town (Not the defunct musically challenged boy band)
Get a rude welcome to Mustang Country
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34

Ball State at Ohio
The Cats really let me down last week….
It looked like they were rolling to an undefeated season.
They will have to fight the Birds to get back to their winning ways.
It’s going to be close
FRANK’S CATS 28-24

Ohio State at Illinois
This Big Ten or whatever Rivalry is played for the “Illibuck”
To be honest, it kind of looks like a tangerine that has gone bad
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 31-17

Georgia Tech at Virginia
The Rambling Wreck will continue to Ramble until they meet the Mighty Clemson Tigers
YELLOW JACKETS 28-17

Montana Western at North Dakota
I know picks like this just drive the NCAA Speech Police crazy…
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-10

UTEP at Tulane
I get emails all the time from the Green Wave faithful asking…
“Are we going to win any games this year?”
And the answer is always the same….
No, no you will not…
MINERS 33-17

Tennessee Martin at South Alabama
I know, I know…
I do love Mobile Alabama, it’s one of my favorite places in the whole world
But the boys from Martin have a gunslinger at Quarterback this year…
Believe it..
SKYHAWKS 43-10

Western Kentucky at Florida Atlantic
In the immortal words of the great rural philosopher Forrest Gump…
“This game is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get”
Ain’t it the truth
HILLTOPPERS 24-17

Eastern Illinois at Murray State
This game is between the Panthers and the Racers…
I’m a 100 yard dash man…
RACERS 28-24

New Mexico at Nevada
I think the Lobo’s are on the down low for a yo-yo with a Hobo.
I’m not really sure what that means, but that was all I had for this game.
WOLFPACK 38-28

Oklahoma State at Texas
I don’t want to think about it…
COWBOY UP! 38-24

North Texas at Louisiana Lafayette
U La La is going to get an unhealthy dose of the….
MEAN GREEN 38-17

Boise State at Colorado State
The Bronco’s won’t get Rammed this week…
Not by a long shot
BRONCO’S 43-10

Carson Newman at North Greenville
Spark’s Boys are back on track after winning last week…
Let’s I hope it continues, I’m counting on it
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-31

Alabama at Ole Miss
Houston you have a problem….
The Big Red Elephants are coming to town…
CRIMSON TIDE 31-14

Virginia Tech at Wake Forest
The Demon Deacons upset the Mighty Seminoles last week….
No such luck this week
HOKEY POKEY 28-17

Georgia at Vanderbilt
Everybody counted the Mighty Bulldogs out except Yours Truly…
There are days my own genius even scares me…
SIC EM DAWGS 31-17

Northwestern at Iowa
It seems like every Tom, Dick and Harry is picking the Wildcats over the Hawkeyes…
Those aren’t my names so I’m under no obligation to follow the crowd on this one
HAWKEYES 28-21

Kansas State at Texas Tech
One question for the Red Raider faithful….
“Do you miss Coach Mike Leach yet?”
If not, you’re about to…
WILDCATS 28-21

Texas A&M Kingsville at Incarnate Word
Well Excuse Me! So you are the ONLY ones that have the Incarnate Word?
I just can’t pick a team that is predicated on such arrogance.
KING TOWN 28-10

Clemson at Maryland
The Mighty Tigers are going to scuff up the Linoleum tile Turtles
And not in a “nice” way….
DABO’S TIGERS 34-17

Florida at Auburn
I didn’t think I would say this two weeks ago….
But this game could go either way.
It’s True
GATOR CHOMP 28-24

East Carolina at Memphis
Say it with me…..
“Elvis has left the building….”
PIRATES 24-17

Occidental at Pomona Pitzer
Do you ever wonder what would happen if you..
“Occidentally took a Pomona Pitzer instead of a laxative?”
Never mind….
POMONA P 21-17

Stanford at Washington State
The Cougars might win this game…..
If the Cardinal plane gets diverted to Detroit
CARDINAL 43-17

UAB at Tulsa
Before any of my friends in Birmingham ask…
“No”, the Blazers will not win another game this year
Sorry….
O’ SO GOLDEN HURRICANES 34-17

Idaho at New Mexico State
The “Ida-Honkies” visits the Land of Lasso Larry and the Aggies…
Sounds like a Party to me…
LASSO LARRY 28-24

Oklahoma at Kansas
This game is going to get uglier than two for one Beer night at the Bowling Alley
BOOMER SOONERS 43-10

Utah State at Fresno State
There are a lot of people that think the Bulldogs have thrown in the towel this year…
I am one of them
AGGIES 31-28

Arizona State at Oregon
I had every intention of watching this marquee matchup in the PAC (Whatever)
But Richard Simmons has a “new” DVD that he is previewing on QVC, it’s called….
“Breaking a Hip to the Oldies”
QUACKERS 7-6

Iowa State at Missouri
This Big 12 (Light) Rivalry game is played for the coveted …
“Telephone Trophy”…..
The funny thing is….
Most of the players on the teams don’t even know what the hell an old “telephone” looks like

MO KNOWS AT&T 24-21

Brigham Young at Oregon State
I know the Cougars have been rolling lately…
But I still believe in the Power of the Almighty Beaver
MIGHTY BEAVERS 28-24

Enjoy your games…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Well it looks like you have your mind made up and you want to join the Southeastern Conference…
Just a couple of things before we get married…

I know Collie dogs are real smart I have seen “Lassie” a thousand times..

“Go Get Gramps Lassie, Timmy’s in the well!” And off she would run….

I get it.

But this is the Southeastern Conference….

We have “live” Bulldogs, Tigers, War Eagles, Rooster, Razorback Hogs and Alligators

You need to look into getting a more “manly” mascot.

Maybe a German Shepherd

Second, but yet no less important….

The Southeastern Conference has always had the most beautiful, athletic young women in the world as cheerleaders on the sidelines and we mix some young men in the group to help them flip in the air and what not.

With that being said you Aggies need to “find” some females that want to be cheerleaders and drop the white 1950’s mechanic coverall’s as a cheerleader uniform too, it looks dumb as hell.

No, I’m serious they are really stupid looking.

Lastly what’s with the kids in the stands playing “Dress up like an American Soldier from 1940”

Listen closely….

“IF” you are in ROTC then dress in the….

“Uniform of the Day”

Ever heard of it?

That doesn’t include or anyway mean “Halloween Costume of the Day”

This isn’t “Be All You Can Be I want to play Cowboy today”

Since you are in a rush to get married, these “few” changes will help us get along better.

And before I get any angry emails from irate Texas A&M Aggie fans…

Spouting some dribble that “I attacked your traditions….”

You traded all the “traditional” games with your “traditional” rivals for money.

For the love of the almighty dollar you threw it all away.

So I figured since money was more important to you than “traditional” games I figured you would be “happy” to make a few changes to “fit in” with your soon to be in-laws.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Last Week (Week 5 if you are keeping count and I know you are) was the equivalent of Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator stepping on a rake and getting smacked in the jimmy.

Last week I was a disappointing 46 and 21 or 69%.

I know, I can hardly believe it myself

That leaves Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator at 300 and 66 or 82% for the season.

But my lack of productivity last week gives me the opportunity to share with you my Top Three Favorite Excuses on why I didn’t perform up to par in Week 5….

1. The Sun was in my eyes
2. I had a rock in my shoe
3. I don’t play well on artificial turf

Enjoy your Picks….

HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER OF THE WEEK

This Week’s High School player(s) of the week:

The Summerville High School Green Wave is a powerhouse football team in the Charleston, S.C. area. The West Ashley Wildcats are relatively new to the Low Country football scene as it has only been in existence since 2000. However, the newcomers took on the tried and tested Wave in a battle for Low Country supremacy and the Wildcats walked away with a victory.

The Cats were led by running back K. Eady who had a 32 yard touchdown run for the only offensive touchdown scored in the contest. That was followed, later in the game, by what turned out to be the game winning 20 yard field goal by young C. Cashion. These two youngsters finally got the ‘Cats their first win against the vaunted Green Wave with a 10-7 victory.

Oh, did I mention that the running back’s name is Karon Eady?

Or that the place kicker’s name is Caroline Cashion?

I didn’t think so. These two young ladies gave new meaning to the term “Girls Gone Wild” with their impressive showing Friday night.

Congratulations, girls

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Welcome from the heart of SEC country.

Our boys in blue came out on the short end of a 21-0 score in a game taking on Bacon County. These kids put up a valiant effort against a tough Red Raider team from Alma, Georgia in a battle of supremacy for South Georgia Pride. The Raiders made the drive down to McRae sporting a 5-1 record with their only loss coming against traditional Class A powerhouse Clinch County and they showed why they’re sporting this winning record. The Trojans just didn’t quite have enough to hang on and now prepare for a trip to Ocilla for a matchup and possible win against the 1-5 Irwin County Indians. Keep your heads up, boys. After moving into this new Region 2-A region, we’ve got a much tougher schedule than in years past.
Everyone in Telfair County is behind you.

Meanwhile, up in Athens, the home state Bulldogs took on the Mississippi State Bulldogs in a battle of Canine bragging rights. The Athens Dogs proved to be rude hosts in turning back the Starkville crowd by a 24-10 score between the hedges. There were obviously no souvenir sprigs of those historic hedges gathered by the visitors as they never really got anything going and, truth be told, looked lost at times. The only area of concern was that our Red Heads jumped out to a 21-3 lead at the half and then went into cruise control for the rest of the game. Our orange clad, and yes, tacky, neighbors north of the border, are next on the agenda.

Next for the Bulldogs is an away game in Knoxville. Derek may be a Dooley, but he aint getting any love from South of Chattanooga on this day.

Meanwhile, up in Raleigh, the North Avenue Trade School took on an angry mob of Dogs and came away with a 45-35 win. The Slide Rule Jocks made this a little closer than anticipated in avenging a slip up last year against the Carolina State Mutts. The takeaway is this. Defense needs to break out the calculators and figure out how to stop an offense pretty fast or there could be some disappointments in our state capitol.

And I would be completely negligent if I didn’t throw out some kudos to the Eagles from up the road in Statesboro. The Eagles, who also have a mascot who flies around the stadium (but doesn’t get off course and fly into glass windows), topped the home standing Elon Phoenix by a 41-14 score. These birds also have the distinction of being # 1 in FCS competition, the first time they’ve attained that lofty spot since 2001. Congrats Eagles and keep up the good work.

In other games, the Chicken’s chickens finally came home to roost against the Alabama Plainsmen on Saturday. I don’t know who looked worse in this game but as the old Head Ball Coach said, this offense looks “putrid.” There might be some changes in Columbia on the horizon for the Yard Birds.

And over in Arlington, a bunch of testy Hogs welcomed the most recent addition to the conference to the SEC with a 42-38 win over the Aggies of Texas A&M. I think even the cadets were ready to turn their weapons on their team as they squandered a big lead and fell to the SEC West’s 3rd best team. We all know the old saying; be careful what you wish for, you just may get it.

And in the Big Ten-ish Conference, that darling of the media, O-hiya State was defeated by the Spartans of Michigan by a “huge” margin, 10 – 7. It must be rough on the Buckeyes. You can phone in your appreciation to Coach Tressel via Verizon Wireless, toll free.

Last, but not least, the mighty USC Trojans squeaked by in a close contest with PAC 10-ish those mighty Wildcats of Arizona. That would be the 1-4 variety kittens. They must have been dancing in the streets in Compton and L.A. after this big win.

Finally, it’s time for the Peach State Prognostication.
This is my prediction of the “Good Old Fashioned Hate” rivalry between the Dogs and Jackets if they played today. Last week, I predicted a 31-28 score favoring the Wreck.
This week, I’m going with this: 31-30……….. Jackets.

And I’m torn. The Dog’s young running back Isaih Crowell impressed me, gutting out some tough yards with bruised ribs. Tech’s offense was a little off, but the Defense is definitely an area of concern. I’ve gotta give the slight nod to the Jackets as long as the dogs have a hard time getting on track. Until they get rolling, gotta stay with the Bee’s.
Let’s see what next week reveals.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

SOUTH FLORIDA: You are aware….
That you can take your “first team” with you to road games, right? I’m just checking..

Because last Saturday it looked like you left them all at the Tampa Airport

ILLINOIS: The Fighting Pumpkins are 5 and 0 for the first time in sixty years…
Yes, I said sixty years.

And you know what that means?

The fact that the Pumpkins are currently undefeated is one of the signs of the coming Apocalypse

PENN STATE: Last Saturday Joe Pa coached his 700th game…..

700 college football games as the Head Football Coach of the Penn State Nittany Lions

Great win last Saturday for a Great Coach and a living Legend

UNITED STATES MILITARY ACADEMY: I can’t believe it….
I picked the Black Knights of the Hudson to win last week and they actually won…

I almost cried

MARSHALL: I can assume by your performance last Saturday that my weekly taunts and sarcastic remarks motivated you Thundering Herd to victory over the Louisville Cardinals.

You’re Welcome

SOUTHERN METHODIST: I never should have doubted my Proud Ponies last week.
Congratulations on winning the Battle of the Iron Skillet….

The Iron Skillet belongs to Coach June and the Mighty Mustangs

OHIO STATE: If Buckeyes don’t pick up the pace…..
They will be headed to the Vienna Sausage Bowl in Dahlonega Georgia

CLEMSON: These are not the kitty cats of years past….
The Mighty Tigers have defeated three top teams in as many weeks and are currently undefeated.

I know my adopted Clemson Family is Happy and I’m Happy for you.

TEXAS: The Red River Rivalry this week will determine if the Longhorns are really back.
My guess?
Read this week’s picks for the answer.

CARSON NEWMAN: Spark’s Eagles have NEVER lost two games in a row…..
That I can remember…
Until last week….
Not to add any additional pressure to your season, but you guys are killing my weekly average
Just so you know

WISCONSIN: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

NEW MEXICO STATE: Congratulations to Lasso Larry for defeating the Lobo’s and winning
“The Maloof Trophy” and just for the record…
I still think that trophy looks like a possum on a stick

ARKANSAS: Didn’t I tell you Razorback fans that you were going to beat the Aggies?
And you didn’t believe me did you?
You all have some “trust” issues, I’m just saying

SOUTH CAROLINA: This is for the 113 Carolina Gamecock Fans that sent me emails complaining about my write up in the “Preseason Extravaganza” when I didn’t mention South Carolina as a “contender”.

Now you know why I didn’t list them as a “contender”, don’t you?

EMAIL QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Q: Hey Mister Wizard!
You have been a little hard on our beloved Sooner’s lately, so I have an idea.
I don’t know if you have ever been to Oklahoma, but I would like to cordially invite you to Norman Oklahoma for a Sooner football game!

We will show you what Boomer Sooner hospitality is all about!

The Davis Family – Norman, Oklahoma

A: Thank you for the invitation…
However there are two very good reasons why I don’t visit Oklahoma.

I have seen the movie “Oklahoma!” and I refuse to walk around all day singing and dancing.
(I have no idea how you all getting anything done singing and dancing all day)

And secondly (although most importantly) My Texas citizenship would be revoked if I came to Oklahoma, even for a visit.

THE GAMES

Thursday October 6th

Western Kentucky at Middle Tennessee State
The Blue Raiders are tough to beat under the lights in Murfreesboro and the Hilltopper’s mascot looks like the offspring of Chewbacca’s sister and the Cool-aide guy.
Enough said….
RAIDERS of BLUE 33-17

Arkansas – Monticello at Delta State
This game features the surprising Boll Weevils of Arkansas and my beloved Fighting Okra.
Except for Okra Winfrey there isn’t anything I don’t love about Okra.
FIGHTING OKRA 24-21

California at Oregon
I had every intention of watching this thrilling matchup from a bottom tiered football conference but The Animal Planet is suppose to have Rhino’s on Roller Skates on at the same time.
Don’t worry, I have on good authority that…
No Rhino’s will be harmed in the “Roller Boogie” portion of the program
QUACKS 6-5

Friday October 7th

Boise State at Fresno State
Not really sure why this is a rivalry game, but it is…
This game is called “The Battle for the Milk Can”
(And “No” I’m not making this up)
And as you might have guessed…
The winner of the game gets a Milk Can
Yippee
MILKY WAY BRONCO’S 33-28

Saturday October 8th

Oklahoma at Texas
This is the Red River Rivalry
It’s played each year during the Texas State Fair at the Cotton Bowl (As God intended it)
Pure and simple this game is hatred personified.
The teams, the fans, and the alumni dislike each other intensely.
Sometimes I make picks based on statistics and trends and other times I pick with my heart.
No matter where I am, I am always Deep in the Heart of Texas
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 33-31

Maryland at Georgia Tech
The Linoleum Tile Turtles takes on the Rambling Wreck of Tech in Atlanta
And if you are wondering “why” this game is so important, it’s because…
Across the street from the Tech stadium is the Home to the greatest chili dogs in the world
“The Varsity”
Believe it…
YELLOW JACKETS 34-17

Mississippi State at UAB
The Bulldogs travel to Legion Field in Birmingham to take on the Blazers
The sign in the stadium still says “The Football Capital of the South”
Those were the days…
BULLY DOGS 38-10

Minnesota at Purdue
This Big Ten (or Twelve) Rivalry is played each year for..
“Herbert’s Sphincter Cannon”
Word to the wise…
You don’t want to be around when Herbert’s cannon goes off…
BOILERMAKERS 20-17

Louisville at North Carolina
I can’t make up my mind about these two teams…
One week the Cardinals are Strong and the next week they are getting sand kicked in their face
One week the Heels are Tarred and the next week they get feathered.
This is one a tossup
HEELS of TAR 24-17

Connecticut at West Virginia
Smoldering couches on Sunday morning smells like….
“Victory..”
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-14

Kentucky at South Carolina
This game has jobs on the line and reputations at stake (yes, it does…)
It’s going to be closer than you might think
GAMECOCKS 24-17

North Alabama at Arkansas Tech
The folks from Arkansas Tech are called “The Wonder Boys”
Well, “wonder” no longer boys
MIGHTY LIONS 42-17

Florida State at Wake Forest
Maybe it’s just me….
But instead of having some student in a foam rubber costume
I wish the Demon Deacon mascot was Jimmy Swaggert…
He’s a hoot when he’s all liquored up, on a crying jag and waving his arms in the air
Never mind
NOLES 38-10

Memphis at Rice
Neither one of these teams could beat the Odessa Perriman Panthers in Odessa Texas
And that’s a fact
ELVIS’S TIGERS 17-10

Murray State at Georgia State
I cannot in good conscience pick any team that Bill Curry is associated with.
That being said….
PACERS 28-17

Army at Miami (OH)
I might be wrong….
But I don’t think the boys from West Point can put together a two game winning streak here
REDHAWKS 33-17

Marist at Davidson
I don’t know that much about David’s Son, but that Marist is a Fox
RED FOXES 24-21

Montana Western at North Dakota
I know some members of the NCAA Speech Police read this column because I read the emails.
This pick is for them….
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-10

San Diego at Valparaiso
This game features “Torero’s” and “Crusaders”….
I think I saw a “Torero” last night on a commercial…
It’s that new burrito looking thing they are selling at Taco Bell that looks like a cut-away of a large intestine. Now why would you want to name your football team after something like that?
CRUISERS 27-14

Temple at Ball State
You don’t really care about this game do you?
I didn’t think so
HOOT OWLS 34-31

Florida International at Akron
The Panthers have let me down the past couple of weeks
But it’s time for the Hilton to get loose…
HILTON PANTHERS 33-31

Illinois at Indiana
This Big Ten and cross state rivalry game is played annually for the…
“Puddin’ Tane Trophy”, ask me again and I will tell you the same
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-10

Chattanooga at Georgia Southern
The Eagles of Southern are the Number One team in the country in their respective division.
That ranking won’t change after Saturday
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-21

Boston College at Clemson
This Atlantic Coast Conference Rivalry is played for “The Leather Helmet” and..
The O’Rourke-McFadden Trophy
Which (by the way) has nothing to do with Mickey Rourke or Johnny McFadden
Just so you know
DABO’S TIGERS 34-17

North Dakota State at Southern Illinois
The folks from Southern are called the “Salukis”…
That sounds like a pesky foot fungus if you ask me.
Which is disgusting…
THUNDERING BISON 28-24

Missouri at Kansas State
I know, I know….
The Wildcats of State are winning and winning….
But Mo knows there is more than one way to skin a cat
MO’S TIGERS 28-24

Central Michigan at North Carolina State
I really don’t know what to think about the latest Public Service Announcement from the Department of Agriculture. Have you seen it?
“Chippewa’s; the other white meat”
(I think that is very inappropriate)
PACKS of WOLVES 28-24

Ohio at Buffalo
The Bobcats are rolling and the Boy’s from Buffalo are just winging it.
(In case you were wondering, “yes” that was Buffalo Wings reference)
FRANK’S CATS 38-10

Arizona State at Utah
The Two Ute’s has too much Ute on their team to complete with the Devils from the Sun.
SUNNY DEVILS 31-28

Iowa at Penn State
This is going to be an old fashioned Big Ten battle in the trenches.
It’s going to be a real tussle and could go either way…
But I believe Joe Pa still has a trick or two up his depends.
JOE PA’S LIONS 23-17

Southern Miss at Navy
This one is going to be close, real close….
MIDSHIPMEN 28-24

Miami at Virginia Tech
Please see “Southern Miss and Navy” above…
Then wash, rinse and repeat….
HOKEY POKEY 24-21

Catawba at Carson Newman
The Mighty Spark’s Eagles will not lose three games in a row….
Or I will have to go into the Witness Protection Program (again…)
SPARK’S EAGLES 34-31

Florida at LSU
I have a great deal of respect for both of these teams, so I won’t belabor the point or make some funny witticism concerning this game. But it’s going to be closer than you might think
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-21

Pittsburgh at Rutgers
If these two teams were entertainers they would be “Siegfried and Roy”
ROY’S PANTHERS 24-17

Air Force at Notre Dame
I wouldn’t call this an “Upset” unless you were a Fighting Irish fan…
MIGHTY FALCONS 34-28

Montana State at Portland State
The Bobcats will ground the Vikings..
Believe it
BOBCATS 38-17

Arkansas Pine Bluff at Jackson State
The Golden Lions of Pine Bluff will be tarnished by Walter’s Tigers on Saturday.
And as a side note: the Battle of the Bands at halftime in this game is not to be missed.
WALTER’S TIGERS 43-24

Valdosta State at Ouachita Baptist
I have an interesting fact about the Ouachita Baptist…
They refuse to make love standing up because..
They are afraid someone will see them and think they are dancing.
DANCING BAPTIST 31-24

Montana at Idaho
This is a Big rivalry game…
And it is played each year for the “Little Brown Stein”
I bet you are surprised I knew that..
I am a mental storehouse for “strange facts known by few”
(It’s a blessing and a curse)
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 33-24

Marshall at Central Florida
The Thundering Herd Thundered through Louisville last Saturday
But the Boys from O-Town (Not the defunct Boy Band) are ready…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 33-28

Iowa State at Baylor
The Cyclones are a dangerous team (when they want to be)…
And the Bears are way overrated….
CYCLONES 33-31

Auburn at Arkansas
The War Eagle faithful has reminded me (repeatedly) that I haven’t picked them to win since the first week and they would be correct in that assertion. Let’s keep the streak going, shall we?
HAWGS 38-24

Michigan at Northwestern
Another Big Ten (or twelve) Game and you know exactly what that means…
Another game for a coveted Rivalry Trophy!
This game is played for the “Mask of Yak Trophy”
Which oddly enough looks like former Michigan “first lady” Rita Rodriguez without makeup.
WOLVERINES 38-10

Georgia at Tennessee
I have read a number of emails recently from Volunteer fans “claiming” among other things that “I never say anything positive about their program”. I was hurt and dismayed by those accusations and vowed to rectify this perceived wrong, because after all, I work very hard to leave each reader with hope and optimism concerning their teams in each and every article.
With that being said….
Recently I saw former University of Tennessee Coach Phil Fulmer on a television commercial promoting tourism to Gulf Shores Alabama. In the commercial Phil Fulmer was wearing a t-shirt and shorts.

In that t-shirt…..
Phil Fulmer’s man boobs looked like old orangutan monkey boobs.
SIC EM DOGS 31-28

Texas A&M at Texas Tech
The Aggies are madder than Wynonna Judd at a Weight Watchers meeting…
But on a positive note: If you are ever in Lubbock Texas, you have to see the Buddy Holly Museum, you won’t be disappointed Peggy Sue.
GIG EM AGGIES 33-17

East Carolina at Houston
The Pirates of Carolina are in for a rude awakening in H-Town
This isn’t the wounded and beat up Cougars from last year
These boys are healthy
MIGHTY COUGARS 38-17

Vanderbilt at Alabama
The Commodores always play the Tide tough, and this game will be no exception.
CRIMSON TIDE 28-14

UNLV at Nevada
This is the biggest rivalry game in the state of Nevada…
Actually it’s the only rivalry game in the state of Nevada, but who’s counting
This game is called “The Battle of Nevada” and it’s played for the “Fremont Cannon”.
Not to be confused in any way with the “Tippy McAllen Casino and Big Butt Cannon Buffett”
Those are two completely different things, just so you know
WOLF PACK 31-17

Colorado at Stanford
The Buffalo are pulling out all the stops to motivate the players this week!
The rumors are true!
You will not see “Ralphie” the Buffalo leading the Colorado team onto the field this Saturday.
It will be Wynonna Judd in a tube top…
(Sorry for the disturbing visual)
CARDINAL 43-10

Florida Atlantic at North Texas
The Hooter’s from Florida (Not the original location in Clearwater but someplace else..)
Are going to get an unhealthy does of the…
MEAN GREEN 34-17

Ohio State at Nebraska
The way these two teams are playing it wouldn’t surprise me if they both lost.
CHILDREN of the CORN 24-17

Syracuse at Tulane
The Orange got squeezed last week, but Orange you glad I picked you this week?
(I know that was weak, but honestly that’s all I had for this game, sorry)
OTTO the ORANGE 33-14

Wyoming at Utah State
Don’t remind me….
I know the Aggies have let me down as of late, but they won’t disappoint this week
Cowboy Down!
AGGIES UP 28-17

San Jose State at Brigham Young
Do you know the motto of the San Jose Football team?
“We are Everybody’s Homecoming Team”
COUGARS 34-14

Washington State at UCLA
My Black Lab “Doc” wanted to make this pick….
I knew he wanted to make the pick because he came up to the screen
Turned his head from side to side….
And walked away with a disgusted look on his face…
That means one thing..
BRUINS 28-24

Texas Christian at San Diego State
The Frogs got Dehorned Last week by the Mighty SMU Mustangs….
Lightening won’t strike twice in the same place
Believe it
HORNED FROGS 33-28

Kansas at Oklahoma State
The Prairie Wind is going to smack Jay’s Hawks in the naughty place…
COWBOY UP! 43-17

Arizona at Oregon State
Although State hasn’t played very well as of late…
I still believe in the Power of the Beaver
MIGHTY BEAVERS 24-21

Enjoy your games…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

With the college football season in full swing….
I haven’t taken the time this year to tell all of you who take the time to read this column..
“Thank you”.

This column is a labor of love for a variety of reasons, but least of which is to provide some ill timed humor and the occasional college football insight into your weekly rituals.

I didn’t want any of you to think that I don’t appreciate your emails and comments, because I do.

More than you know.

It isn’t often in this life that you can provide some humor to people that you don’t even know.

I like that.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this unusually successful college football blog.

You are the reason I write it.

It’s been written through war and the occasional peace and through it all….

I wrote for you.

I am proud of that.

And one other thing…

Thank you

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator started out with a Bang and then fizzled out like a wet firecracker going 60 and 14 or 81%.

That leaves the CFB Wizard at 254 and 45 or 85% for the first four weeks of the season.

It’s no time to cry over spilled guacamole dip, we have a lot to discuss…

So let’s get to it

Enjoy your Picks….

HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER OF THE WEEK

His name is Gabe Gunter and he attends Pleasant Home High School near Andalusia, Alabama

He is a 6 Ft 5 in. 230 pound Senior with above average speed for a big guy.
Gabe is the quarterback, safety and the punter on the team.
In his first four games at Quarterback he threw for 4 touchdowns and ran for two touchdowns. After several requests the coach let him play safety the last two games and he intercepted 4 passes. His longest punt in the game was for 50 yards.
The team is currently ranked 23d in the state.

Gabe also pitches and plays Right-Field on his High School baseball team.
He pitches in the 88mph to low 90 Mph range and has already has a verbal commitment on a baseball scholarship to Virginia Tech. He has been made the New York Mets High School Scout Team the past 2 years and also been invited to the Los Angeles Dodgers Florida Diamond Club Event the last 2 years. He has also received invitations for private work-outs with the New York Mets, Kansas City Royals, Arizona Diamondbacks and the Atlanta Braves.
He has been ranked in the TOP 500 in the Nation by the World Wood Bat Association (WWBA) for the past 3 years and was at one time ranked #93 in the nation and 24 in the State of Florida.

He is an outstanding student with a 3.3 GPA from and outstanding family.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL OBSERVATIONS

Loyal reader, Oregon State Beaver Alumni and good friend “Beaver Jim” had these observations on his experiences at the recent Oregon State – Wisconsin game as well as his attendance at the University of South Carolina and Naval Academy game.
I greatly enjoy his insight and I think you will too.
Enjoy…………..
I have had the good fortune the last two weeks to spend the last two Saturdays in the temples of college football.

Two weeks ago, I traveled to Camp Randall Stadium for the Beavers against Wisconsin, and last weekend to Williams-Bryce for the Gamecock-Midshipmen game.

I was struck by the severe contrasts between the two experiences, as well as my memories of traveling to Penn State, Cincinnati, Louisville, Oregon, and games in Corvallis, and thought I might share some thoughts. These likely will reinforce your own views on the subject.

The experience in Wisconsin was different to say the least. It is an urban campus with multi-lane streets cutting right through campus. However, there is NO parking around the stadium. Instead, they have a series of shuttle buses that run from the “ramps” (their word for parking structures) around the area. Most people just walk a couple miles. “Tailgating” was not very much in evidence, although being a college town there were a large number of bars and liquor stores in the area.

The game started at 11am central, which makes it hard for the hung-over students to get to the game on time. One section of the north end zone seats (student section) was filled about 20 minutes before the game. This expanded to the lower parts of four sections by kickoff, with all of the seats filled by the 2nd quarter. For 75,000 people, they were not all that loud. The most excitement was from the “jump-around” at the end of the 3rd quarter, when they play a song, the students jump around, then most leave to resume drinking I presume. The stadium had been expanded, but unfortunately that did not include increases in the concessions or restroom facilities. They were supplemented with port-a-potties in the stadium, but even those had huge lines.

Everyone was very polite and one of the highlights was getting to talk to Barry Alvarez the day before the game. He looks just like his statue in front of the stadium, except he doesn’t wear the tennis shoes anymore that are immortalized in bronze on his feet in the statue.

Fast forward to last Saturday at Columbia.
I had heard about SEC tailgating, but I had to see it to believe it.
It was as if the environs of Williams-Bryce became a new city. Tents, food, and big-screen TVs in the backs of vehicles (to watch the other games), were all over the place.
While Wisconsin fans were all dressed in red (by directive from the coach), it still did not compare to the vast array of garnet in Columbia. Most of the college girls were wearing black skirts with garnet tops and team jerseys were everywhere. The atmosphere was electric at the game and really does not compare to other places I have watched games (except maybe a few times in Corvallis). The band, the crowd, the fireworks and the noise were spectacular. Oregon State only can seat 45,000, but it gets really loud due to the cover over the grandstands. The cover reflects sound back onto the field and it is deafening. I did not think that level of sound was possible in an open stadium, but the fans in the fourth quarter were up to the challenge and affected even the middies on the field.

My conclusion is that while there are scores of fans up north and out west that love football, but there is nowhere near the number as there are in the SEC on any given Saturday.

Jim

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Hello again from the Heart of SEC Country!!!
It’s been a rough stretch for our hometown heroes, the Telfair County Trojans.
After a tough game against Turner County our team took on the Wilcox County Patriots. Although the score doesn’t indicate the fight these boys have in them.
We actually put up a touchdown this week before going down to defeat 56 – 6.
We may not be a power house team like Valdosta, Lowndes, or Parkview, but these kids have fight in them and a never say die attitude. McRae, Workmore, Helena, and all of Telfair County are PROUD OF THE TROJANS!!!

Around the SEC. The Georgia Bulldogs took on the Ole Miss Rebels and won on Saturday to bump their record up to 2-2 at the first furlong. The Clark County Cow College piled up the yards, but never really put the game away against this clearly inferior opponent. And Blair Walsh shanked 3 field goal attempts to “boot”. Mississippi was coming off of a sound thrashing at the hands of Vandy, so, the way they hung around in this game should give some folks up in Athens pause for reflection.

Across the border in Tuscaloosa, The Crimson Tide put a sound, country whipping on the Hogs from Fayetteville. The Boys from Bama were held scoreless in the 4th quarter, but by that time the second and third teamers were getting some playing time.

Up in Lexington, the Gainesville Swamp Boys skinned the Kentucky Cats for their 4th win of the season. Mark 8 o’clock Saturday night on your calendars ladies and gents because a week 5 showdown is looming large. What I would give to be in Gainesville for this East meets West showdown of Bama vs Florida in a no holds barred cage match.
And lastly, the Columbia War Chickens almost laid an egg against a tough Vandy team. Questions abound after watching this one. Is Vandy that good or is Garcia that bad?
Is Spurrier losing his touch? The Ingram, Lattimore, Clowney show again pulled the Columbians out of the fire but when will the luck run out?
Stay Tuned for further information as it develops.

Elsewhere, the Slide Rule Jocks from the North side of Atlanta stung the Tar Heels from Chapel Hill in an ACC matchup. I watched part of that game but am not entirely convinced that the Jackets are the power that their record and stats say they are. Apparently, the pollsters don’t think so either. Tech finally got some love the pollsters last week to pop in at number 25. They only moved up 4 notches this week, to number 21. I’d say these pollsters are saying, show me the money, and show it to me for a while. Their first real test comes against Clemson on October 29th. Let’s see what happens then.

The Golden Domer’s traveled to Pitt to take on a Panthers team that again seems to be both de-clawed and neutered. It’s always tough to win on the road, but, come on. Pitt? I’m sure they’re excited up in South Bend just to be .500. I’m surprised that the pollsters haven’t taken notice and bumped them into the polls.

The Silver Nuts took on the Bison of Colorado and got back to their winning ways. Yep, 2 wins over 2 FBS schools and another against a PAC-12 also ran. I know their hearts are swelling with pride in Columbus.

And, what happened to Lame Kitten’s Roman Empire? The Trojans traveled to Arizona to take on the Sun Devils and were fried like an egg on hot asphalt. Rome fell.
Looks like Lame may not be far behind.

And finally, this……
I’m calling it the Peach State Prognostication.
I’m going to make a weekly prediction on the game at the end of the season which is called fondly, “Good Old Fashioned Hate.” But the twist is that the weekly prediction will be based on what’s happened up to this point, weekly, in the season. So, here goes.

I’m calling it 31-28 Georgia Tech. This is based on the fact that, although Tech hasn’t really had any hard tests to this point, they are, in fact rolling. The Dogs have had a couple of bumps in the road earlier in the season against stiff competition, but, to date, still haven’t gotten their sea legs. Not only are the bees running the ball well, but they’re passing it too, which makes them very dangerous. As I’ve said before, no matter what kind of season the Hounds have, they always seem to find a way to wreck the Wreck but it feels a little different this year. Both teams need to step it up on defense or it could turn into an all out slug fest.

Let’s see what happens the rest of the season.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

CORRECTION: When I am wrong I admit it.
Last week I wrote concerning the Southern California – Arizona State game;
“The Sun Devils are the favored team in this game and I was perplexed as to which team to pick.
So I asked my Black Lab “Doc” who he thought would win.
He looked at the computer screen for about a minute and then licked his butt….
That’s good enough for me
LAME KITTEN’S TROJANS 24-21”

I confronted my Black Lab “Doc” after reviewing the scores on Sunday morning and asked him how he could have misled me on this game.
Doc proceeded to inform me that when he licked his butt he was letting me know that he didn’t care for either team.

All the “signs” were there, I just wasn’t paying attention.

My apologies on the pick and for doubting my loyal companion “Doc”

AUBURN: Like a lot of athletics directors, Auburn’s Jay Jacobs likes to stay in touch with his fan base through periodic newsletters in which he touches on a variety of topics.

Jacobs’ latest communication last Wednesday included one of his favorite talking points: Blaming former coach Tommy Tuberville for the youth and inexperience on this year’s football team.
Jacobs didn’t name Tuberville. He never does, but he doesn’t have to when he makes the following statements:

“Our youth and inexperience is not an excuse. It is a fact. Consider the following: Auburn signed a total of 58 players in the 2007 and 2008 recruiting classes (the classes that are this year’s fourth- and fifth-year seniors). Only nine players from those two classes remain. Roughly half of the players who signed in 2007 and 2008 either never enrolled at Auburn, quit or transferred.”

EDITORS NOTE: I have a couple of thoughts on this….
When did Coach Tommy Tub coach at Auburn, like three years ago?
You know, I couldn’t help but notice that Jay Jacobs didn’t give Coach Tub any credit when they won the 2010 National Championship.
But I bet when the War Eagles have to give back that National Championship and Heisman Trophy it will Tommy Tubs fault.

CARSON NEWMAN: Damn it Eagles, you lost to “New” Berry.
How could you possibly lose to people that don’t have an Ernest T. Bass in town.

MARYLAND: I don’t know which is worse….
Your 1970’s linoleum kitchen floor motif helmets and mismatched uniforms or the fact you LOST to Temple.

JUNIATA: Juanita, I am sorry Franklin Marshall roughed you up last week, that man is a cad.

ARMY: Just for the record, you aren’t helping my weekly average out a damn bit.

SOUTHERN MISS: Great win over the Virginia Cavaliers last week and….
I told you so.

OREGON STATE: Damn it Beavers….Damn it.

NEW MEXICO STATE: Let me be sure I have this right Lasso Larry…
You beat the Minnesota Gophers and then you lose to San Jose…
You are schizophrenic aren’t you Larry?

SAM HOUSTON STATE: I knew Sam Houston would win the game last week when I saw his opponent was “New Mexico”, and in case you didn’t know…
Sam Houston is still undefeated against the Mexicans.

FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL: I told you Panthers to play the “Hilton” not “Howard Johnson”
That’s why you lost….

MINNESOTA: You Gophers are looking a little less Golden lately….
I’m just saying….

INDIANA: The Big Ten Loosiers lost to the Mean Green of Denton Texas….
Just like I said they would, no need to thank me

CLEMSON: I want to apologize to my adopted Clemson Tiger Family and to the Mighty Tiger Nation.
I recorded the score backwards last week meaning to pick the Tigers over the Seminoles, but I was having a dyslexic moment.

MIAMI: So Hurricanes….
You beat the pants off the Buckeyes one week and lose to the Cats of Kansas State the next?
You are as schizophrenic as Lasso Larry aren’t you?
Have you two been hanging out together or what?

DUMB and DUMBER
Your “Dumb and Dumber” Moment this week…..
Comes from none other than CBS College Football “commentators” Vern Lundquist and Gary Danielson in the following exchange during the Arkansas – Alabama game.

Gary Danielson: “Alabama has won its SEC opener for the 20th consecutive season
Vern Lundquist: “That’s a pretty good mark”

EDITORS NOTE: No Kidding Dumbass….

THE GAMES

Thursday September 29th

Texas Southern at Jackson State
The game features Tigers and more Tigers….
The Great Walter Payton went to Jackson State and that’s good enough for me
WALTER’S TIGERS 28-17

Houston at UTEP
The Miners might win this game…..
And I might discover “Victoria’s Secret”
Neither of which are very likely
MIGHTY COUGARS 38-17

South Florida at Pittsburgh
The Panthers of Pitt are playing some really good football..
That is if they were a Pee-Wee Team and they were all eight years old
And that’s…
NO BULL 33-10

Friday September 30th

Utah State at Brigham Young
Another Rivalry game in the Land of Donny and Marie
This one is called “The Battle of the Brothers”
At the moment I am feeling less country and a little more Rock and Roll
COUGARS 28-21

Saturday October 1st

Northwestern at Illinois
You guessed it….
Another Big Ten Rivalry Game!
And it is played for the coveted “Sweet Sioux Tomahawk”
As opposed to the “Diet Sioux Tomahawk” or the “Bittersweet Sioux Tomahawk”
(I can do this all day)
WILDCATS 28-24

Toledo at Temple
The Hoot Owls beat Maryland last week and the Rockets got treated like Jodie Foster in “The Accused” on their visit to Syracuse. This is going to be a fight
HOOTERS 31-28

MIT at UMass Dartmouth
I didn’t know the Mississippi Institute of Technology had a football team!
I thought they just taught people how to retread tires and how to pump a septic tank.
Who knew?
DART DOWN 24-17

Minnesota at Michigan
Yippee! Another Big Ten Rivalry game!
This game has been played every year since 1903…
It’s played for “The Little Brown Jug”
Whatever is in that jug has to be pretty stout by now
WOLVERINES 43-17

Texas Tech at Kansas
The Red Raiders invades Kansas…
I have no idea why they want to pick on a 70’s musical group
But “Carry on my wayward son” I think they will be “Dust in the Wind”
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 38-17

Penn State at Indiana
You have to love the Big Ten Rivalry games…
This game is played for “Joe Pa’s Dentures”
Which will stay in Joe Pa’s mouth until the Loosiers decide they don’t want to play football anymore
JOE’S LIONS 38-10

Rutgers at Syracuse
I ‘m serious….
I really don’t care about this game
I really don’t
OTTO THE ORANGE 33-24

North Alabama at Southern Arkansas
The Blazers get torched by the Lions
Believe it
MIGHTY LIONS 34-21

Tulane at Army
Damn it Army I am picking you for the last damn time…
Don’t disappoint me or I make you fall under the Department of the Navy…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 28-24

Mississippi State at Georgia
Cats and Dogs….
That’s the Southeastern Conference
SIC EM DAWGS 28-24

Air Force at Navy
This is a Big game that decides the “Commander Chief’s Trophy”
Now….
If we only had a Commander in Chief to go with the Trophy
MIDSHIPMEN 33-28

Kentucky at LSU
This game is going to be uglier than Hillary Clinton and Rosie O’Donnell in a game of Twister
(Please Notice I didn’t say “Nude” Twister)
That visual would have had me throwing up for weeks
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 43-10

Wake Forest at Boston College
This Atlantic Coast Conference Game is played each year for the…
“Nobody Cares Trophy”
Because they don’t
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 24-17

Buffalo at Tennessee
If you are wondering why the Volunteers are playing Buffalo…
It’s because they couldn’t schedule the East Bernard Dance Academy
VOWELS 143-0

Cincinnati at Miami (OH)
This instate rivalry game in the Buckeye State is played of for the…
“We wish we were The Ohio State Buckeyes” Trophy
I think the trophy looks like Woody Hayes, which is cool
KATS of BEARS 33-17

Georgia Southern at Elon
The Phoenix are shakier than Janet Reno….
Who by the way can really shake a martini if you are ever at a party..
I’m just saying…
SOUTHERN EAGLES 43-10

John Hopkins at Juniata
I used to know a Johnny Hopkins!
He used to smoke pot behind the gym and he never went to class…
But he did know all the words to “Smoke on the Water”
I wonder if it’s the same guy?
J-LO 24-23

Kent State at Ohio
This “other” rivalry game in the Buckeye state is played for the coveted…
“It Sucks to be You” Trophy
The trophy looks like a pair of wax lips attached to an avocado…
Which I find unusually creepy
FRANK’S CATS 33-28

Nevada at Boise State
If you like high powered offenses then this is your game…
BRONCO’S 98-96

North Dakota at Southern Utah
Two words for the politically correct speech police at the NCAA…..
FIGHTING SIOUX! 38-17

Appalachian State at Wofford
Chewbacca get’s skinned by the Mountaineers
(Film at 11)
MOUNTAINEERS 31-17

Northern Colorado at Montana
The Grizzlies get back to their winning ways this week….
Believe it
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 33-28

Marshall at Louisville
The Cardinals are too Strong for the Thundering Herd
CARDINALS 28-14

Arizona at Southern California
This old PAC 10 rivalry is played each year for the…..
“Chimichanga Hat”
Which looks like a hat with a turd on it if you ask me…..
Forget I mentioned it
LAME TROJANS 24-17

Bowling Green at West Virginia
The folks in Morgantown have had lighter fluid and couches standing by since last week…
Fire it up…
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

Ursinus at Moravian
If you ask me….
This game sounds like a moron has a urine infection…
MORON’S 21-17

Southern Methodist at Texas Christian
This game is a bitter (Bitter) rivalry in the greater Fort Worth Texas Metro Area
It’s been played every year since 1925 and it’s played for the “Iron Skillet”
This game is the “Battle for the Iron Skillet”
It’s a war….
HORNED FROGS 34-28

Idaho at Virginia
I don’t think the “Ida Honkies” travel with the Idaho football team..
Which is sad, if you think about it
CAVALIERS 33-17

Georgia Tech at North Carolina State
The Rambling Wreck keeps on rambling for another week….
YELLOW JACKETS 38-10

Towson at Maryland
The colored blind nightmare that is the Turtles of Maryland get back to their winning ways..
By beating the daylights out of an Academy of Music Theory and Interpretive Dance
Rock On…
MULTI-COLORED TURTLES 55-0

Southern Connecticut at Assumption
Assumption? What am I suppose to “assume” here?
I am going to “assume” they don’t know squat about football…
SOUTH CONNIE 33-17

Northern Illinois at Central Michigan
You may not believe it….
But this game is going to be a shoot-out….
HUSKIES 43-38

Michigan State at Ohio State
This game is going to separate the men from the boys in the Big Ten or Twelve (Whatever)
BUCKEYES 24-21

Baylor at Kansas State
I know….
The Wildcats beat the Hurricanes of Miami last week….
But this team is from Texas…
DA BEARS 34-17

Washington State at Colorado
If you are up this late watching this game between two teams that couldn’t fight their way out of a wet paper bag, then I have but one thing to say…..
You didn’t drink enough during the Alabama – Florida game that was broadcast earlier
BUFFALOS 5-4

Western Michigan at Connecticut
You may not believe this….
But I really don’t care
HUSKIES 28-24

Bethune-Cookman at Miami
Seriously? The “mighty” Ineligible Hurricanes scheduled this team?
What, the Miami School for the Blind wasn’t available?
CANES 146-0

Sacramento State at Montana State
I know my University of Montana Grizzle fans won’t like this pick…
Sorry….
BOBCATS 33-28

San Jose State at Colorado State
I was trying to remember why this game was important….
O’ Yeah, it isn’t….
Never mind
RAMS 28-24

Susquehanna at Muhlenberg
I have to talk to my staff at the CFB Wizard…..
They send me “Susie and the Mule Boy” to pick for a game…
Are you kidding me?
But you have to admit, it does sounds like a nasty carnival sideshow…
(Sorry for the visual, this is a family column)
MULE BOY 21-17

Clemson at Virginia Tech
The Tigers are hotter than a stolen Cadillac…
Which by the way I did time once for in my youth, aren’t you glad I’m reformed?
DABO’S TIGERS 34-24

Texas at Iowa State
It’s time for my Beloved Longhorns to start the stampede.
The Sooners are next week…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 33-17

Hawaii at Louisiana Tech
This game may very well answer the eternal question that has eluded researchers for years..
Why did the Rainbow Warrior Cross the road?
To watch Dog the Bounty Hunter on A&E on Wednesday nights in the Fall
That’s good enough for me
BOUNTY HUNTING WARRIORS on RAINBOWS 43-34

Duke at Florida International
I wouldn’t call this an upset special….
Unless you prefer the Holiday Inn Express
HILTON PANTHERS 34-28

Memphis at Middle Tennessee State
The Boys from the Land of Elvis are “All Shook Up”
BLUE RAIDERS 33-17

UAB at Troy
This fierce instate battle in the Great State of Alabama isn’t played for any trophy’s or petrified rhino turds….
This game is way more important than that; it’s bragging rights.
And before you ask…..
“Yes” we are that damn serious about our football…..
HELEN of TROY 31-24

North Texas at Tulsa
It’s Texas and Oklahoma on a smaller scale….
But the Hate is just as Hot….
MEAN GREEN 33-31

Jacksonville State at Murray State
I was going to go with the mighty Pacers in this game….
But something tells me the boys from J-Ville Alabama are ready….
GAMECOCKS 38-34

Ball State at Oklahoma
I like to refer to this game as….
An Oklahoma Ass Whipping of Biblical Proportions…
BOOMER SOONERS 155-3

Carson Newman at Wingate
I knew a rich kid in elementary school named “Wingate”……
I stole his bicycle….
SPARK’S EAGLES 43-21

Washington at Utah
This game makes me wonder…..
I wonder if the Two Utes shop in the Husky Men’s section of K-Mart.
I’m just asking…
TWO UTES 33-28

Rice at Southern Miss
I picked the Mighty Golden Eagles last week in an Upset Special…
This won’t be an Upset, but it’s just as Special
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

Nebraska at Wisconsin
Believe it or not…
This is the first of two games between these teams; they will see each other again in the conference championship game
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 28-24

North Carolina at East Carolina
There are far too many directions on the map in this game to suit me…
TAR HEELS 28-24

New Mexico State at New Mexico
This instate rivalry in the Land of Sand is called…
“The Rio Grande Rivalry”
It’s played for “The Maloof Trophy”
(Yes, I’m serious)
If you ask me it looks like a possum on a stick…
LASSO LARRY 34-31

LaGrange at Rhodes
LaGrange……
In the Words of ZZ Top…
HAWWWW..HAWWWWWW….HAWWWW…
THE CHICKEN RANCH 33-17

EDITORS NOTE: If you are keeping count…
“Yes” that is my second ZZ Top reference in as many weeks….

Notre Dame at Purdue
This rivalry in the state of Indiana is played for the…..
“Shillelagh Trophy”

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t feel bad….
I thought it looked rather disgusting too
FIGHTING IRISH 34-17

Ole Miss at Fresno State
I won’t call this an upset special….
The Ole Miss faithful are upset enough
BULLDOGS 33-17

Oregon State at Arizona State
I haven’t been this disappointed in Beaver’s since High School….
And “No” I don’t want to talk about it
DEVILS of the SUN 38-17

Valdosta State at Arkansas – Monticello
I have picked enough cotton in my day to hate Boll Weevil’s….
Enough Said…
BLAZERS 43-24

UCLA at Stanford
If you think I care about this game, then you don’t know me very well
CARDINAL 6-3

Alabama at Florida
This game in the Swamp is going to be a Slobber Knocker
Believe it
CRIMSON TIDE 23-17

Arkansas at Texas A&M
This Old Southwest Conference Rivalry…
(Remember them?)
Is called the Southwest Classic…
This is college football at its finest and it’s a shoot out
HAWGS 33-28

Auburn at South Carolina
I don’t know which drunken bird is going to hit the Plexiglas in Williams Brice Stadium first…
My Guess?
GAMECOCKS 38-21

Enjoy your games….

POST GAME COMMENTARY

You may not think this commentary has anything to do with enjoying our College Football Saturday’s, but it has everything to do with it.

Thursday is Saint Michael’s Day (No, that day is NOT named after me)

In 2006 a heck of a fight was going on in Iraq for the control of Al Anbar province.

That was only five years ago.

There were a lot of casualties during that fight; this video is about one of them.

Mikey was a damn good man, and I don’t want anybody to forget him.

Click here to view the embedded video.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

This past week for me can best be summed up by those immortal words from…
“That Little Ol’ Band From Texas” ZZ Top when they said….

“Yes I’m bad, I’m nationwide….”

Your Favorite College Prognosticator was both “Bad” and “Nationwide” last week

But perhaps not for the reasons you might think…

I missed my “Upset Special” picking Marshall over Ohio
Which I “only” missed by 37 points, a new personal record for me by the way, and of course I missed a number of other important games last Saturday.

Then I hit yet another milestone….
It has been reported to me by the Staff at the CFB Wizard that I have now “officially” received hate mail from all 50 states as well as the territories of Guam and Puerto Rico…

In honor of this prestigious event I will share a few of my favorite hateful emails with you throughout the season; it will surely put a smile on your face.

In case you are interested I finished Week 3 at 52 and 11 or a rather disappointing 83% and for the season The CFB Wizard is 194 and 31 or 86%.

But enough about me, let’s get to this week’s picks

Enjoy….

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Hello again from the heart of SEC country!
Last week I happily reported that our hometown Telfair County Trojans came away with a victory. Unfortunately that didn’t carry over to this week as our heroes went down to defeat at the hands of Turner County 52-0. We put up a valiant effort but to no avail. Last week’s regional victory was our first in since the 2007 season, but this spirited group of young men will compete and continue to improve. Go Trojans.

In college football, our Georgia Bulldogs took on the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers up in Athens and came away a victor. During a press conference last week, Head Coach David Bennett professed that his team needed to play like a bunch of dogs rather than a bunch of prissy cats. Well, this game was anything BUT a dog fight as Mark Richt’s Bulldogs notched their first win of the season with a 59 – 0 beat down.
Meanwhile, up in Atlanta, the Georgia Institute of Technology notched another ‘W’ in their belt as they trounced Kansas 66 – 24 to avenge an embarrassing loss to the Jayhawks last year.

Hmmmm, Georgia 1-2 and Tech 3-0.
The Trade School needn’t get too excited and go buzzing about this quite yet.
It’s still awfully early in the season, and it seems that no matter how bad the Dawgs do, they always seem to have a little something for the Urban Bees come November.

Over in South Click, the Gamecocks rode Marcus Lattimore to a close victory over the Middies from Navy. This was such a close shave that Stephen Garcia won’t have to break out a Gillette for a couple of weeks. At 3 – 0 the Gamecocks should move up another notch in the standings but can they run the table? Trouble with Navy and a pesky group of Commodores on the horizon may prove to be their undoing. Clemson is proving that they may be the real deal with a convincing win over Auburn. The way the War Chickens were manhandled at Memorial Stadium you would have thought they were the ones that slammed into the Plexiglas last week instead of their wayward mascot.

I would be totally remiss if I didn’t say something about THE Ohio State Buckeyes.
After finishing their tour of cupcakes in Ohio, they finally came upon a little competition. Of course the aptly title Ineligible-Bowl proved to the Brown Nuts that they weren’t the 16th ranked powerhouse they and the national media thought they were.
It wasn’t even close.
The Coral Gable Con Crew quickly put Fickell in a pickle with a convincing 24 – 6 trouncing that netted the Big Bucks a whopping 35 yards through the air to complete the embarrassment.

Those Devils from Duke eked out a 1 point win over Boston College. BC had a chance to win it in the final minute but, alas, on the 25 yard field goal try the left goal post rejected the attempt like a Manute Bol reject of a Spud Webb jump shot.
Free Shoes U was again turned back by the Sooners. Guess Jimbo needs to keep recruiting and working his boys if he is ever going to get back to the upper echelons of the College Football world.
And lastly, Florida once again demonstrated their mastery over the Tenner-seeans courtesy of a big dose of Chris Rainey. Apparently the Volunteers are in a rebuilding phase of their program for ANOTHER year.
Derrick Dooley may need to go talk to his daddy to find out some of his secrets for turning a program around.

That’s it for this week folks!!! Make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
Remember, these are your future collegians of tomorrow!!

Until next time,

I’m Harley Hanesworth

THE BEST OF THE CFB WIZARD HATEFUL EMAILS

The Below Emails were sent October of 2008

Q: You are inorant as hell!
You writte like you know what you are talking about except your inorant!
For your inforinmation Coach Phil Fulmer is the Greateset damn football coach to have ever (misspelled expletive) walkied the damn sidelines! His records speak for themselfes and you (misspelled expletive) Alabama and (misspelled expletive) Gatar people is just jealous cause he is so good and it don’t matter if none of our players is from Tennesse or not, everybody want to come to be a Vol cause we is winners! Think on that you inorant (misspelled expletive)

Sam – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Dear Sam, the next time you decide to send an angry email I have two words for you.
“Spell Check”

Q: Dear Sir

Your continued diatribe concerning the “ongoing” NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans is nothing short of rebel rousing, which I have come to expect from redneck southerners such as yourself.
However wouldn’t you think if there was anything to the “so called” allegations that the NCAA would have acted upon them? Or is that concept to difficult for you to grasp?

I have covered the University of Southern California Trojans throughout the Pete Carroll era and I can assure you, Coach Pete Carroll runs the cleanest program in College Football and the oversight provided by Athletic Director Mike Garrett is without equal.

Perhaps you continue to spout these lies about Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California because the good ole southern teams can’t hang with the Trojans.

Whatever the delusional reasoning you subscribe to, please get your facts straight before you continue to attack such noteworthy programs such as the University of Southern California.

Sincerely –
The Sports Editor
The Orange County Register

A: How do you like me now?

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

ESPN: Great idea having the two dumbest announcers on ESPN together for one game!

Jesse Palmer and Craig “My son is a wussy” James together!

The only thing better than listening to them consistently mispronounce player’s names while they make lame observations and stupid jokes for the entire game….
Would have them doing a commercial together for “Hooked on Phonics”

DUKE: I guess hell has frozen over….
The Blue Devils won a football game

But I have to add….
Watching those two Duke students trying to tear down the goal post last Saturday was just sad.

TEXAS A&M: I really think we should hold hands for a while before we get married…

ARMY: Here we go again…..

I pick you to win and you lose…
I pick you to lose and you win…
If this is some Army psychological warfare stunt you are pulling to confuse me…

Its working

OHIO STATE: What the Hell Buckeyes, What the Hell….

NORTH ALABAMA: Great win last Saturday in Cowboys Stadium Lions…
The Florence Lions are for Real this year, Believe it

CLEMSON: I told you so Tiger Fans, Congratulations…

MARSHALL: The “Thundering Herd” is playing more like the “Thundering Turds”

TEXAS: I am so proud of the Mighty Longhorns….

And despite what the stupid referee’s and the weak knee commentators said last week

Mr. Goodwin that was one hell of a hit you put on the California Kid…

Click here to view the embedded video.

WESTERN KENTUCKY: You let a bunch of “Fighting Trees” whip your ass Saturday..
I don’t have anything else to say about that…

COLORADO: Congratulations on beating Colorado State last week….

But shouting “We are Number One!” at the end of the game after you have only won “one” game…
Kind of makes you look silly.
I’m just saying

SOUTH CAROLINA: You all got a little Cocky last week didn’t you?

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

It’s been a while since I talked to you folks….
So I want you have a seat while I drop some knowledge on yo ass.
Last week I was down here at my home in Opp Alabama fishing at my favorite stream listening to all them sports commentators on the radio talking about this realignment and that realignment on some “Super Conferences”.
Let me tell you what I think about all that mess and listen good…

I have lived long enough to learn that if something ain’t broke don’t be trying to fix it.
What do I mean?

There was a time that people of my color produced the best music in the world.
The Temptations
The O’Jays
Motown Records
Sam Cooke
Marvin Gaye

To name but a few…

That was some music there; Lord Yes that was some kind of music and it still is…

Now days they make something that sounds like a cat and a possum fighting in a metal garbage can and they call that music. That ain’t damn music, that ain’t nothing but a lot of damn noise.

What does that have to do with all this talk about “super conferences”, everything…

Because they is all trying to change something for the worse and all it’s going to make is a bunch of noise

You have these universities and colleges running around like elementary school kids playing musical chairs trying to find some kind of better deal and for what?

Because they is a chasing the almighty dollar, that’s why.

They don’t give a hoot about traditional games, rivalries or the alumni and fans.

But they forgot one thing…

Chasing after money won’t never make you happy, or make you a winner.

There wasn’t nothing wrong with the Big 8 and the Southwest Conference either and they broke that up and ran for something better and what did that get them?

So here we are…

Colorado left the Big 12 for the Pacific something or another, only to get their ass kicked by Hawaii. What do they think they is going to do, actually win that Pacific conference title?

I will see my Rottweiler “Daisy” sprout wings and fly before that happens.

Then I heard Pittsburgh, Syracuse and Connecticut is a going to join the Atlantic Coast Conference.
Why, for the money?

You all ain’t a going to win nothing unless Virginia Tech, Georgia Tech, Miami, Florida State, North Carolina and Clemson suddenly decide they don’t want to play football anymore, which ain’t likely to happen.

Then you got them Aggies from Texas A&M that don’t care if they ever play them Texas Longhorns anymore, fans and alumni be damned.

And now Nebraska ain’t never going to play Oklahoma no more.
What does that say about all them folks?

I tell you what it says…

Money is more important than tradition, integrity of the game and the fans of them schools.

And that folks is a crying shame.

THE GAMES

Thursday September 22nd

Murray State at Tennessee Martin
These two teams are right down the road from each other and like a lot of neighbors
They don’t get a long…
RACERS 24-21

Wisconsin Oshkosh at Wisconsin Stout
Oshkosh By Gosh I don’t know how stout the one team is from the Land of Cheese but I’m going with….
WISCONSIN BY GOSH 21-17

Ouachita Baptist at Texas A&M Commerce
Interesting Factoid in this game….
A&M doesn’t want to recognize the Big 12 Conference anymore…
And Baptist don’t recognize each other in Hooter’s or in the Liquor Store
BAPTIST REVIVAL 31-24

North Carolina State at Cincinnati
The Pack of Wolves invades Chili Town…
Gold Star or Skyline, it doesn’t matter; I’m a chili man..
CHILI KATS 28-24

Friday September 23rd

Central Florida at Brigham Young
The Boys from O-Town (Not the defunct Boy Band) come to the Land of Donny and Marie
I am feeling less country and a little more Rock and Roll today…
COUGARS 28-24

Saturday September 24th

Notre Dame at Pittsburgh
Its Rivalry Season in the North!
And you know what that means, another trophy for the winner of this northern matchup.
This Game is played for the Bejeweled Giraffe Turd….
Or at least that’s what it looks like to me.
FIGHTING IRISH 33-17

Central Michigan at Michigan State
The defending Big Ten or Twelve Champions let me down last week.
The mighty Spartans will bounce back at the expense of the Chippewa’s.
Believe it
MEN OF SPARTA 33-28

Toledo at Syracuse
I would watch this game but…
“Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo” will be on TBS at the same time.
It’s time to start Popping and Locking…
ORANGE 34-21

San Diego State at Michigan
The Ancient Aztecs will keep this game closer than you might think…
A Lot closer
WOLVERINES 33-31

Louisiana Monroe at Iowa
I won’t use any clever clichés to describe this game, I will keep it simple.
Monroe is going to get his ass kicked between his shoulder blades.
HAWKEYES 38-13

Newberry at Carson Newman
I prefer Mayberry over “new” Berry
For one simple reason..
I bet they don’t have an Ernest T. Bass in “new” Berry
Enough Said
SPARKS EAGLES 38-24

Eastern Michigan at Penn State
Joe Pa has got a “mean on” and you know what that means…
(No not that and you should be ashamed for thinking that’s what I meant)
It means….
Somebody is going to get a geriatric ass kicking
JOE PA’S LIONS 33-17

Southern Methodist at Memphis
My Proud Ponies invades the Land of Elvis and takes the Tigers to Heartbreak Hotel
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-17

Georgia at Ole Miss
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt….
This week I don’t
SIC EM DAWGS 28-17

Temple at Maryland
I would watch this gridiron matchup, really I would…
But there is a VH1 “Behind the Music” Special on Flock of Seagulls
Those guys had funny hair
FIGHTING (UGLY UNIFORMED) TURTLES 38-21

Bowling Green at Miami (OH)
This rivalry in the Buckeye State is played annually for the coveted…
“Petrified Otter Pelt of Love”
Maybe it’s just me…
But I wouldn’t want to touch that damn thing
FALCONS 33-31

Presbyterian at Furman
The Blue Ho’s take on Chewbacca University in this match-up
(I’m sorry that sounded nasty)
FURRYMAN 28-24

Duquesne at Marist
If you say these two schools out loud in quick succession, you will spit on yourself
Not that it matters
That Marist is a Fox
RED FOXES 24-21

Massachusetts at Boston College
I was going to watch this game but I plan on going to Funky Town
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 33-17

Portland State at Texas Christian
Welcome to Texas!
Now please step over there and get your Horned Frog ass whipping
HORNED FROGS 43-10

Defiance at Franklin
Why is this college so “defiant”?
Sounds like they have an anger management problem
FRANK’S FRANKS 24-17

Juniata at Franklin Marshall
O’ So NOW Franklin decides to use his last name!
Who does he think he is anyway?
And why does he have two colleges?
I hope Juanita kicks his smart ass…
J-LO 24-21

Army at Ball State
O.K. Army….
Here we go again…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 28-24

Ohio at Rutgers
I have gone against the Bobcats two of the last three weeks and lost each time…
I won’t make the same mistake this week
FRANK’S BOBCATS 33-31

Youngstown State at Indiana State
This game features Penguins and Fighting Trees…
Sounds like the Canadian version of the “Wizard of Oz”
FIGHTING TREES 33-17

Tennessee State at Air Force
Big John’s Tigers are going to be bombed in Colorado Springs
This game is going to be uglier than Wynona Judd in a polyester pant suit
MIGHTY FALCONS 43-10

Southern Miss at Virginia
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!
That’s right, I said it
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

Chattanooga at Appalachian State
The Mighty Moc’s are a decent football team, but the Mountaineers are just a little bit better
This one could go either way…
MOUNTAINEERS 24-21

Gustavus Adolphus at St Olaf
The most notable thing about this game, other than these are two northern colleges, is the nonsensical “fight” song of St. Olaf entitled “Um Ya Ya”

“Um Ya Ya”
We come from St. Olaf, we sure are the real stuff.
Our team is the cream of the colleges great.
We fight fast and furious, our team is injurious.
Tonight Carleton College will sure meet its fate.

Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya Ya

Don’t feel bad, I didn’t get it either….
FIGHTING OLE’S 21-17

Arkansas at Alabama
This game is going to be a slugfest between two outstanding teams.
Don’t leave your seat; this may come down to the last play of the game.
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

Western Michigan at Illinois
If the Pumpkins look past these Broncos they will get kicked in the teeth
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 33-28

UAB at East Carolina
It has been reported that the “Blazers” in an effort to secure sponsorship have agreed to a limited partnership with “The Men’s Warehouse”, which seems like a natural match.
Not that it’s all that important here…
PIRATES 34-10

Catawba at Tusculum
If you say both of these schools names quickly you will cough up something unpleasant.
I’m just saying…
HOCK A LOOGIE 23-17

South Dakota at Wisconsin
This game is going to be uglier than Wynonna Judd in string bikini
BEHOLD THE POWER OF PASTEURIZED CHEESE WHIZ 49-0

EDITORS NOTE: If it makes you feel any better that visual made me throw up too.

Tulane at Duke
I wish I cared I really do…
But these two schools combined couldn’t beat Hoover High School in Hoover Alabama
And that’s a fact
DEVILS are BLUE 23-17

Virginia Tech at Marshall
The Mighty Turkeys of Tech are going to tame the “not so Thundering” Herd
Believe it
HOKEY POKEY 38-10

Colorado at Ohio State
I never thought I would be saying this about the Buckeyes.
This is a MUST win for them, or this season is a wash
BUCKEYES 24-17

California at Washington
In an effort to motivate the California Bears Football team the coaches have instituted a “new” pregame tradition by having the players smell each other’s hands, which I think is beyond weird.
BIG DOGS 31-28

UCLA at Oregon State
The Bruins are Brewed out and that’s a fact
MIGHTY BEAVERS 28-17

Harding at North Alabama
The Florence Lions are Roaring and Harding still lives in his Mother’s basement
Enough Said..
MIGHTY LIONS 34-17

New Mexico State at San Jose State
If Lasso Larry lassos Jose is that considered to be a hate crime?
I’m just asking…
LASSO LARRY 31-21

Fresno State at Idaho
There is nothing like the Idaho half time show….
Who doesn’t want to see the “Ida Honkies” perform?
My point exactly…
BULLDOGS 24-17

Sam Houston State at New Mexico
Sam Houston is the Hero of San Jacinto and he was an underdog in that one too.
BIG SAM 28-24

Louisiana Lafayette at Florida International
U La La is going to be introduced to the “real” Hilton…
That kid is the real deal…
PANTHERS 31-17

Western Carolina at Georgia Southern
I still think “catamounts” sounds like something nasty is going on at the Taxidermist
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-17

Connecticut at Buffalo
I know exactly what you are thinking about this game…
And I agree completely.
I don’t care either
HUSKIE’S 21-17

Rice at Baylor
This old Southwest Conference Rivalry used to have some dandy games between them.
Remember the Southwest Conference?
Yeah, they broke up to form the Big 12
I still miss the SWC..
BEARS 33-17

Incarnate Word at West Texas A&M
Why do they think they are the only people with the “incarnate word”?
Who do they think they are Bobby Bowden?
Talk about arrogant….
WEST TEXAS BUFFALOS 24-10

Eureka College at Presentation
Eureka this one college sounds like it’s the school of PowerPoint Presentations!
EUREKA I FOUND IT! 23-17

North Dakota State at Minnesota
I have never seen a Gopher whip a Bison but I have seen a spider monkey ride a goat.
And before you ask….
“Yes” I am that easily entertained
O’ SO very GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-17

Florida Atlantic at Auburn
This game begs the question…
Which one of these drunken birds is going to hit the Plexiglas in the skyboxes first?
The Owl or the War Eagle?
WAR DAMN EAGLE 43-10

Louisiana Tech at Mississippi State
This is an excellent time to remind you all…
That you can never have enough Cowbell

Click here to view the embedded video.

BULLY DOGS 34-10

Vanderbilt at South Carolina
Both teams are Undefeated….
(Yes I said both teams are undefeated)
This one will be closer than you might imagine
GAMECOCKS 28-24

Florida at Kentucky
The Cats get skinned by the Gators and that’s no Joke
MIGHTY GATORS 38-17

Oklahoma State at Texas A&M
Now I know why A&M wants to leave the Big 12….
They don’t like the Prairie Wind touching them in the naughty place
COWBOY UP! 33-17

Nevada at Texas Tech
Woooo Hooooo! Coach Tommy Tub adds another win to his weak-ass non conference schedule!
That means you are one step closer to that all important Dulcolax Suppository Bowl Bid!
GET THOSE SUPPOSITORY’S UP RED RAIDERS!
RED RAIDERS 43-38

Indiana at North Texas
The Loosiers come to beautiful Denton Texas….
I wouldn’t call this an “Upset Special”
Because it won’t be
MEAN GREEN 24-17

UTEP at South Florida
To the best of my knowledge I haven’t seen any mines or miners in Tampa…
But I have seen some Yankees in Clearwater Beach that looked like Moby Dick.
The locals kept pushing them back in the water and telling them “Be Free! Be Free!”
And “Yes” I have pictures to prove it…
BULLS 33-10

Black Hills State at North Dakota
This one is for the NCAA Politically Correct Speech Police
FIGHTING SIOUX FIGHTING SIOUX FIGHTING SIOUX! 41-10

Montana State at Eastern Washington
The Eagles fell to the Grizzlies of Montana last week, that trend continues on Saturday
BOBCATS 31-10

Nebraska at Wyoming
The Cowboys surprised us all last week by actually winning a game
(I was certainly shocked)
But the Children of the Corn are coming to town this Saturday
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 234-0

Missouri at Oklahoma
This Old Big 8 rivalry is played for the Tiger-Sooner Peace Pipe….
Not to be confused with the Willie Nelson Hookah Pipe.
BOOMER SOONERS 34-17

Colorado State at Utah State
The Rams get Rammed by the Aggies
Believe it
AGGIES 28-24

Georgia State at Houston
Bill Curry get’s eaten by a Cougar in H-Town.
I don’t know about you, but I would pay good money to see that..
MIGHTY COUGARS 44-10

Tulsa at Boise State
The Golden Hurricanes can’t generate enough wind to classify as a decent fart
MIGHTY BRONCO’S 44-0

Montana at Sacramento State
Only one thing to say here….
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 38-17

Southern California at Arizona State
The Sun Devils are the favored team in this game and I was perplexed as to which team to pick.
So I asked my Black Lab “Doc” who he thought would win.
He looked at the computer screen for about a minute and then licked his butt….
That’s good enough for me
LAME KITTEN’S TROJANS 24-21

Oregon at Arizona
I had almost the same reaction as “Doc” when I saw these two teams…
So I will go with..
QUACKERS 28-17

Florida State at Clemson
This one will be close, real close…
It could go either way, so don’t leave your seats
SEMINOLES 33-28

North Carolina at Georgia Tech
The Rambling Wreck just keeps on Rambling
YELLOW JACKETS 33-24

Kansas State at Miami
Recent TSA regulations prevents the Wildcat faithful from bringing Bill Snyder’s petrified body on the team airplane as a “carry on” to meet the Hurricanes.
That being said, they have no motivation to win the game, sorry
HURRICANES 34-10

LSU at West Virginia
Only the Bayou Tigers can’t prevent Couch Fires this Saturday
Consider this to be my Public Service Announcement for the Week
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-10

Sunday September 25th

California Davis at Hawaii
For those of you wondering about this game in Hawaii
I have the answer you have been waiting for…
Dog the Bounty Hunter will return to the A&E Network this fall on Wednesday Nights

I enjoy ending the picks on a happy note

WARRIORS BOUNTY HUNTING ON RAINBOWS 43-17

Enjoy your games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I read each and every one of your emails
The “good” ones and the “bad” ones…

So let me say this…

We are only into the third week of the 2011 college football season

Its way too early for some of you to be swimming laps in the anxiety pool.
So take a deep breath and relax

For just a minute there, I thought you were going to hyperventilate.

Yes I am talking to you…
(You in the blue shirt don’t act like you don’t hear me)

Enough about that…..
Last week I was 64 and 10 or a rather “average” 86% this time of the year.
That leaves us at 142 and 20 or 88% after two weeks in the season.
We have a lot going on in the Sunshine State this weekend so let’s get to it.

Enjoy your picks..

Quote from Memory Lane

“I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me and he said:
“Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren’t any good.”

Walt Garrison – Oklahoma State University and the Dallas Cowboys

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from Telfair County, home of the Telfair County Trojans!!!

I’m happy to report that the boys representing Telfair County pulled out a hard earned victory against Atkinson County in a non-region matchup. Our quarterback, Kevin Clark, was dialed in and went 4 of 8 for 52 yards, including a 22 yard touchdown strike to receiver Albert White. Additionally, our workhorse running back, Rashawn Mackey, got to the century mark in running yards to carry the rest of the load. This is our first win of the young season after going 0-2 and ends a 12 game winless streak dating back to 2009. We play in a tough Region 2A conference and look forward to a successful season.

Now on to our college football recap.
As I’m sure all are aware, the home state Bulldogs fell to the Gamecocks of South Carolina on Saturday. I don’t know about anyone else but to say I was dumbfounded is an understatement. I couldn’t figure out which was worse, coming away with 2 field goals when we should have hung 21 points of our feathered friends, or letting Mr All Defensive player of the century in high school football last year, Jadaveon Clowney, come in untouched and throw Aaron Murray around like a rag doll all the while coughing up the ball. Or how about letting Melvin Ingram personally destroy us with not only a fake punt for a touchdown but also picking up the aforementioned Mr Murray’s fumble and waltz in for a touchdown? Not only will these Dawgs not hunt, I don’t even think they can find their way out from under the front porch.
Thank God for FCS teams and Coastal Carolina being next on the schedule.

And speaking of debacles, how about the Not Far From Done Irish?
Did they really lose that game?
Coach Kelly will have an aneurism, heart attack, stroke, and seizure before the end of the season.
And how about those Auburn Tigers?
They need to contact their brethren in South Bend and request that they send them those pretty clovers for their helmets. The luck won’t last the entire season. But, also, did anybody in the stadium think anyone other than Relf was going to run the ball for Mississippi State at the end of the game? How creative.

Big game for the Texas Longhorns and their revolving quarterback(s).
They used no less than 3. They’d better make sure they have that little issue resolved with the meat and potatoes of the Big Something schedule not far off. Finally, there was Alabama at Penn State. I don’t think the valley was happy later on Saturday evening. I heard the real reason Joe Pa sat up in the press box was because he figured he’d get killed standing along the sidelines with some of those “big ole Alabama whipper snappers flyin around the field. Heck, I had lasik eye surgery and I still couldn’t see that Richardson fella zip my me!!!”

We’ve got a big SEC matchup coming up this weekend.
Tennessee and Florida.

My, I’d love to see those two fan bases do some breeding. Could you imagine?
An entire stadium filled with orange jorts, braided mullets, and no more than 3 teeth between them. There will never be a dental floss shortage with that crew. But there are many question marks as the Gators and Volunteers approach this big game. Chief among them being, what will Charlie Weiss “REALLY” look like in a pair of orange jorts. And among others, whether the UF offense has enough talent to take them to the Promised Land and is Live Oak Florida really the promised land? As for Tennessee, will Tyler Bray remain the accurate helmsman that he appears to be after he actually plays an SEC defense? Too early to tell, especially since the Vols have the Gators sandwiched between Cincy and Buffalo. Yes, that Buffalo, of the MAC. Of the 2 wins in their last 12 tries variety. I see competition written all over this game. Stay tuned to find out.

Lastly, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the most cerebral of games from the past weekend. Yes, it was the IQ bowl. An S.A.T.urday showdown between the Cranial’s.. er… Cardinals of Stanford and the Blue Devils of Duke. Stanford, with Luck at the quarterback position, was head and shoulders the best FOOTBALL team on the field. But, in the little known battle of athletic SAT scores, Duke pulled off the upset with an astounding 1588 to 1491 aggregate team average to win the prestigious Golden Gourde award.
Hats off to the Devils for a job well done.

Until next time,

I’m Harley Hanesworth

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS

LOUISVILLE: After last week’s game with the International Florida Panthers….
I would suggest staying at Howard Johnson’s next time…
Because that Hilton burned you more than once…

TEXAS A&M: I’m being serious….
Can’t we go to the movies and hold hands before we get married?
We hardly know each other

MINNESOTA: No disrespect intended to Coach Kill of Minnesota…
But I would have had a damn seizure too last Saturday if I was coaching the Gophers to a loss against Lasso Larry and the New Mexico State Aggies.

NEW MEXICO STATE: I never thought Lasso Larry could lasso a Ground Hog….
Shows you what I know…Great win Aggies, congratulations.

MISSOURI: Damn it MO, you were that close too…..

IOWA: Don’t start wigging out on me Hawkeye Fans….
There is some good news out of last week’s loss to instate rival Iowa State
You don’t have to bring home that “new” gay looking Cy-Hawk Trophy….

EDITORS NOTE: No need to thank me, I’m a glass half full kind of guy….

TEXAS: It does my heart good to see another McCoy and Shipley in a Longhorn uniform.

But as a side note…..
One of my Loyal Longhorn Followers sent the below picture in response to the picture that was sent some weeks ago from an Oklahoma Sooner, regarding the distain they have for the Texas Longhorns.

I love this time of year, don’t you?

MARIST: I don’t care how Buck treated you last Saturday; you are still a Red Fox.

PURDUE: We can be honest with one another can’t we Boilermakers?

I’m glad that we have that trust between us.
So in the spirit of truthfulness and honesty I tell you this….

You barely squeak by the Taxidermy and Farm Implement College from Middle Tennessee and then you lose to Rice…Seriously?

It’s going to be a long season Boilermakers.

Why you may ask, because you all suck that’s why.

UTAH: Next time Coach don’t just use one Ute in the game….
You have to use two Ute’s if you want to win, you should know that by now…

MISSISSIPPI STATE: BAD Dogs……

THE GAMES

Thursday September 15th

LSU at Mississippi State
This is a Classic Southeastern Conference Matchup
Cats and Dogs
It doesn’t get any better than this, hold on to your seats.
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 31-24

Friday September 16th

Iowa State at Connecticut
When I read that this game featured the “Cyclones and the Husky’s”
I thought…..
Why is a vacuum cleaner company and the “Big” kids section at K-Mart sponsoring this game?
CYCLONES 38-31

Boise State at Toledo
Here is a viewing suggestion…..
If you are channeling surfing and you are in the mood to see a college football team get the living hell beaten out of them by a far superior team, then look no further than this game!
MIGHTY BRONCO’S 141-0

Saturday September 17th

Eastern Washington at Montana
There is no way that an eagle can whip a Grizzly Bear…
I learned that from watching the National Geographic Channel
The Governors Cup goes too….
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 33-17

Oklahoma State at Tulsa
Here is the great news that will come out of this game for Golden Hurricane Fans…
They prove that they are the Third Best College Football team in the Great State of Oklahoma!
The Bronze medal isn’t too bad, so congratulations!
COWBOY UP! 43-10

Utah at Brigham Young
This bitter instate rivalry is called “The Holy War” and it is played for the…
“Beehive Boot”
Why someone would put a Beehive in someone’s boot is beyond me..
Maybe they meant a “Beehive Hairdo in a Boot”
Now I get it….
TWO UTES and a BEEHIVE 31-17

South Carolina State at Indiana
Congratulations Hoosiers!
You found the South Carolina School for the Blind and got them on your schedule
It’s a little early for Homecoming in Loosier Land isn’t it?
LOOSIERS 28-14

Nevada at San Jose State
Say what you want about Jose, but if he is nothing else, he is certainly consistent..
Each and every Saturday he gets his ass kicked whether he wants too or not
WOLF PACK 44-10

Carson Newman at Lenoir-Rhyne
I think this is a miss-print….
I think this should read “Carson Newman at LeAnn Rimes”..
That bony gal doesn’t stand a chance in this game
SPARKS EAGLES 43-24

North Alabama and Abilene Christian
Cowboy Stadium
This is a classic matchup between two outstanding college football programs in Cowboy Stadium in Arlington Texas.
It’s a damn shame this game won’t be nationally televised, because it should be…
MIGHTY LIONS 33-31

West Virginia at Maryland
Before I make the selection on this game I have but one more comment to make concerning the Morgantown West Virginia City Council’s decision to pass a “law” that makes couch burning within the city limits a “felony”.

Seriously?

You had to pass this stupid law now, after I went to all the trouble to get a business license and set-up a second hand furniture store four blocks from the Mountaineer Stadium.
No wonder our economy’s in the tank, the damn government won’t let a man make a living.

“The Mountaineer Shop” was (past tense) going to be the “one-stop shopping” for West Virginia Mountaineer Football Fans….
It “was” going to sell…
Alcohol
Fireworks…
Second hand (Previously owned) Couches of all makes and models
Lighter Fluid and a variety of road flares (For safety) matches, lighters and Dura Flame Logs
And more alcohol….

Not to mention Mighty Mountaineer Game day clothing and apparel

Thanks a lot Jackass’s, you just cost me a small fortune

I will let you all know when I have my “Fire” sale….

LIGHT EM UP!
MOUNTAINEERS 31-28

Oklahoma at Florida State
With all due respect to the rest of the college football nation….
“This is the Game of the Week”
This could easily go either way….
I’m serious
BOOMER SOONERS 28-24

North Texas at Alabama
Three simple words sum this game up nicely….
“Roll Tide Roll”
CRIMSON TIDE 38-10

Coastal Carolina at Georgia
The Dawgs get back to their winning ways between the hedges…
But I am afraid it’s too little to late
SIC EM DAWGS 38-10

Michigan State at Notre Dame
There was a time and a place that this game between the Spartans and the Irish was a big deal
Unfortunately this isn’t the time or the place, sorry.
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 34-24

Washington at Nebraska
I will to be perfectly honest here…..
I have no idea which one of these teams is going to show up….
But I am willing to bet on the….
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 28-24

Stephen F. Austin at Baylor
It is against my religion to say anything derogatory about Stephen F. Austin.
He is the Father of the Republic of Texas….
Enough said….
BEAR DOWN 43-10

Duke at Boston College
This game between a bunch of smart kids reminds me of something.
You know what’s fun to hear smart kids say?
“Abacus”, as in: “Ok which one of you guys has been playing with my abacus?”
That never gets old for me…
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 31-28

Southeast Missouri State at Purdue
Enjoy this game “mighty” Boilermaker Fans!
It may be the last game you win all season….
BOILERMAKERS 24-17

Northwestern at Army
I don’t even think my singing the West Point Fight Song will change the outcome of this game…
The fact I don’t know all the words wouldn’t make any difference either..
WILDCATS 38-17