It’s been a long 2011 College Football Season…
This column is a labor of love and it’s a pleasure to be able to bring you the weekly college football picks and the occasional story throughout the season. But I couldn’t do it alone and I don’t.

I want to take a moment to thank a few people for keeping me going throughout this college football season, without their help, encouragement and humor it would have been damn near impossible to bring you all something worth reading week after week.

I want to thank Harley and his Gang from South Georgia who had the most popular article on the website this season with the “South Georgia Football News and Views”. I would also like to thank Harley’s wife who allows me to steal so much of his time during the football season.

Harley’s insight and wit were more valuable to me this season than I have words to say other than
“Thank you my friend”

I would like to thank Deke, Col J and the Eglin Boys for their friendship, encouragement and humor, not just this season, but throughout the years; it’s what has kept me going in good times and not so good times…Thank you all.

I want to say “Thank you” to Ed and Miss Pam at Stonybrook Cabins and Chalets in beautiful Gatlinburg Tennessee. There are no finer people on the planet than Ed and Miss Pam.

Not that this will turn into a shameless plug, but it will….
Look them up at http://www.stonybrooklodging.com/
There isn’t any place like it, anywhere….

I would be remiss if I didn’t thank the World’s Greatest Agent and Crimson Princess and her beautiful family for all their encouragement and support and well timed humor. I don’t know what I would do without Jill, Christy and Miss Kaye. I Love you all.

I want to thank “Beaver Jim” and “Bulldog Jim” respectively for their college football insight, humor and leads on stories. I appreciate you both, more than you know.

Lastly I want to thank you readers….
For taking the time out of your day to read my Prognostications and Diatribes this Season and I’ve enjoyed your comments both good and the occasional not-so-good, they keep me honest.
I need that…..

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will take a break for a couple of weeks, but will return.
But before I depart I want to leave you all with a traditional greeting from my home country…

God Bless you all and thank you again for reading.

Click here to view the embedded video.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Christmas is almost here….

This is a story that is familiar to many of you…..

For others it may be your first time reading it

I sent this out the last couple of years and so many of you loved it that I decided to send it out again.
This story means a lot to me.

I like to think of this as our little College Football Wizard Christmas Tradition…

I bring you this story of the first Christmas I can ever remember

I hope it touches your heart and motivates you to help the helpless.

I hope you enjoy it and I want to wish you all…..

A Very Merry Christmas and a Happy Healthy New Year….

Enjoy….

CHRISTMAS ON OUTER DRIVE

It was Christmas 1962, when America didn’t have a clue what a Vietnam was
and most women were more concerned about which hat Jackie Kennedy would wear during the holidays than they were about world politics.

Even at the ripe old age of four this wonderful foster family provided by the state that was kind enough to explain to me that Santa Claus…
Ole Saint Nick to you and me didn’t visit children without a mommy and daddy.
Those were the “bad” children; that’s why their mommies and daddies left them with the state.

Made sense to me at the time; so, it goes without saying that my expectations were not very high this holiday season.

Imagine my surprise when Miss Connie, who lived next door in the duplex……
told me that she was “sure” that Santa was going to drop off a present for me at her house.
She would bring it over to me on Christmas day. What? Could this be true?
I couldn’t hide my excitement or stop talking about Santa’s generosity.

The whole concept of Santa Claus was beyond my ability to comprehend.
But yet, I was able to grasp the idea of a “special” gift created just for me and built by elf’s working at union wage at the North Pole.
Go figure.

I have been exposed to various family Christmas traditions throughout my extensive tour of state homes over the years before I had grown up.
However, this particular family enjoyed opening a variety of packages on Christmas Eve and saving a select few……Along with Santa’s delivery, to open on Christmas morning.

On this Christmas Eve I was a very disinterested observer.
Despite the fact I wasn’t going to get any gifts, after all it was pointed out in advance, that “taking me in” and feeding me was “gift enough”.
I wanted to speed up the whole process; move on to Christmas morning…..
So I could get whatever wonderful item Santa would leave me at Miss Connie and Mister Ken’s house.
Could you blame me?

I remember these events with perfect clarity, recalling the scents and colors of the scene around me.
I can recall the feeling of unbridled enthusiasm of Santa’s impending arrival and the personal torment of a child wondering what he had done to make his parents not want him.

But I need to get back to the subject.

Somewhere during the course of the evening with my foster family……..
With the sound of tearing wrapping paper and empty boxes mixed with the laughter of the adults and their biological child, underneath the shimmering Christmas tree,,,,,
I took it upon myself to commit the ultimate breach in Christmas etiquette.

I was entrusted with prior knowledge of a special gift intended for the master of the house.
As he ever so slowly began the process of unwrapping his “special” gift…..
He also, began the “What did you get me?” game, which I was totally unfamiliar with at this particular time.

I cannot recall if I was exasperated with the speed of the deliberations
or I was attempting to be helpful with the questions from the master of the house.
It may have been a combination of the two.
But regardless of my reasoning….
During the guessing game conducted by the master of the house with his “real” family,
I suddenly and without warning blurted out, “It’s a Tool Box”.

It was as if someone pulled the plug to the volume control.
I have never heard a room go from the bustle and excitement of Christmas, with the tearing of packages and all the electricity that comes with the moment….
To complete silence in a micro second.

I was now the total focus of everyone’s attention.
Which is never a good thing.

Total disgust from the gallery of observers was matched by the murderous expression displayed by the man of the house. He slowly stood from his chair, stepping over the remnants of packages and his “tool box”.
The only sound I heard were his feet making contact with several pieces of wrapping paper.

He made approximately four strides that seem to take forever to complete in my minds eye.
He bent slowly, until our nose’s nearly touched.
I can smell the spent Pall-Mall’s on his breathe and the sticky sweet smell of, what I now recognize as, Southern Comfort.
Daniel in the Lions Den had nothing on me……

Between clenched teeth he told me that I had ruined Christmas for the whole family.
To be honest, I had figured that much out on my own at this point.
However what I did not anticipate, which to this day baffles me…..
Particularly considering my highly evolved survival skills, is what transpired next.

He struck me so fast on my face with his open hand that I wasn’t quite sure that I had been hit.
However, all doubt left my mind when my buttocks and shoulders made contact with the floor.
I remember the embarrassment of being knocked down, as opposed to the pain of the blow.
It’s funny what you remember sometimes…..

I immediately rolled my body into a ball, in anticipation of being kicked and I wasn’t disappointed.
Fortunately, he was barefooted and didn’t put a lot into it, or use his heel.
After a couple of kicks in quick succession I was told to get up and go to bed, while the rest of the “real” family continued with their holiday celebrations.

Excitement overshadowed any pain that I may have experienced thinking about Santa’s subsequent arrival ….
And my gift to be left with Miss Connie and I drifted off to sleep.
I woke before dawn on Christmas morning.

I remember pacing frantically in my little room and trying not to wake anyone in the house.

I didn’t want to wait for Miss Connie or Mister Ken to bring Santa’s gift to me.
As soon as I knew they were awake I would knock on the door and inquire about Santa’s visit the following evening (I had a plan)

Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait long for my plan to go into action.
Shortly after the sun came up I smelled two very important and familiar items that Christmas morning.
I smelled Miss Connie’s coffee pot and Mister Ken’s pipe.

Already, in my overalls, I slipped on my boots and quietly made my way out of the duplex to their front door.
Once I was at the front door, I suddenly lost my nerve and found that I couldn’t knock.
I was afraid of disappointment or maybe I was just plain scared, I really don’t remember.

Good fortune was mine this day…..
As I was turning to leave, Mister Ken; God bless him, opened the door…..
And said something about hearing shuffling on the porch, and invited me in to the wonderful smell of Miss Connie’s pancakes.

I soon found myself eating like I was going to the electric chair.
The exquisite taste of those pancakes, mixed with melted butter and maple syrup, washed down with ice cold milk made me momentarily forget all about gifts, packages or Santa.

Miss Connie and Mister Ken had already raised three boys by the time of this story and missed the sounds of boys in their house. I was always welcome in their modest home and felt warm and safe in their presence.
I don’t think I ever left their house when I wasn’t still chewing some marvelous delight prepared by Miss Connie.

While I was digging into my second helping of pancakes with Mister Ken asking me if I had seen Bart Starr and the Green Bay Packers on the television set..
Miss Connie interrupted and explained that they had found a gift with my name on it, under their tree for me this morning. Before I had a chance to finish chewing, she had set the gift down on the table next to me.

The paper and ribbon were magnificent.
I had never seen such a package.
Smiling broadly, they encouraged me to go ahead and open it.

With maple syrup on my face and hands I began to tear into “my” package.
I started pealing the paper, and next I broke the seal on the box encasing my Christmas surprise.

Inside the package was a plastic bag holding some one hundred plastic soldiers and the top of the bag was advertising the popular television program “Combat”.
There was an American jeep and a German pillbox in the bag as well.
This was beyond my wildest expectations!
I jumped up from the table hugging them both as tightly as I could and asked them to please thank Santa for me. I have never received a better gift anytime in my life.

I will never forget that gift, the kindness of those two people, or that particular Christmas on Outer Drive. In time, I moved on to a series of state homes, and Miss Connie and Mister Ken were to lose their oldest son Jerry, in Vietnam.

But this moment for me is frozen in time.

It doesn’t take much effort to create a memory for someone who doesn’t have much hope.
Take the opportunity to bring a little hope to someone this Christmas season, create a smile or generate laughter in those who need it the most.

Merry Christmas

Post script…

This story is for Connie and Ken who have gone on to meet the Lord.
Two sweeter or loving people have never walked this earth.
They provided a poor child with love and care that will never be forgotten.

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2011

RTR
MEB

Just in time for Christmas, the second installment of your 2011 College Football Bowl games.

I wanted to get this edition out before your Aunt Edna shows up with her Yorkshire terrier “Popeye” who conveniently has “diarrhea” which was probably caused from sampling Aunt Edna’s Ten Bean casserole “surprise” which she decided to bring to your house for Christmas.

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and don’t forget the Tums.

Enjoy your Bowl Games…..

Saturday December 24th

The Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
Nevada and Southern Miss
I know what’s on your mind concerning this game in Hawaii….
The answer is “Yes”; Dog the Bounty Hunter will return to A&E in January 2012
No need to thank me…
GOLDEN EAGLES 38-24

The Silicon Valley Bowl Sponsored by Dolly Parton and Pamela Anderson
This Bowl game is for teams that at a distance look really good, until you see them up close…
Then you can tell they are actually made out of Silicon something or another…
Texas Tech Red Raiders and Miami Hurricanes

The Purina Monkey Chow Bowl
Much like this Bowl Game sponsor….
These two teams didn’t smell particularly good this season, but they sure are fun to say…..
Oregon State Beavers and Indiana Hoosiers

CHRISTMAS SAFETY TIP
For those of you (like myself) that are still trying to get last minute gifts on Christmas Eve, here is a safety tip for you. Do NOT go into a Pakistani Clothing Store and ask them if…
“They have any Bomber Jackets”

CHRISTMAS EMAIL QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Q: Hey!

My name is Timmy and I am eight years old and I live in Opelika Alabama.
My daddy broke his leg this past fall when he jumped off the Auburn bandwagon (cause they ain’t been any good this year) and he hasn’t been able to work because Obama Care doesn’t care. Then my momma caught most of our trailer house on fire when the tuna helper surprise she was a cooking blowed up and the worst of it, my 18 year old sister run off with an Alabama Crimson Tide boy.
Is my momma and daddy ever mad about that!

So I am asking you Wizard Man for a Christmas Miracle.

Can you do that?

Timmy – Opelika, Alabama

A: You came to the right place Timmy….

To me, nothing says Christmas miracle quite like watching a spider monkey riding a dog.

God Bless us Every One…

Click here to view the embedded video.

Monday December 26th

AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl
Missouri and North Carolina
I liked this Bowl game a lot better when it was called the Weed Eater Bowl…
I have no idea what the hell an “AdvoCare V100” is…
It sounds like a cream that will make hair grow on your head like a damn gorilla….
MO’S TIGERS 28-21

Tuesday December 27th

Little Caesars Bowl
Western Michigan and Purdue
I have no problem per se with a Pizza Company sponsoring a Bowl game…
Except this one sounds like a midget Caesar and you all know how I feel about midgets.
They creep me out, especially midget clowns.
Ok, I need to stop I am scaring myself.
BOILERMAKERS 24-17

Belk Bowl
Louisville and North Carolina State
This clothing store geared towards women has an unusual trophy awarded to the winner…
I’m not quite sure what a pair of zebra striped high heels will look like as a trophy..
But I guess we are going to find out…
STRONGER CARDINALS 31-28

The Vienna Sausage Bowl Sponsored by the Dahlonega Georgia Chamber of Commerce
This Bowl game matches two teams…..
That much like Vienna sausages; you are never really quite sure what they are made of and if left out in the sun too long they will start to smell like grandma’s old slippers.
Kentucky Wildcats and Army Black Knights

Wednesday December 28th

Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman
Toledo and Air Force
I cannot in good conscience pick against the Air Force Academy in the “Military Bowl”
It’s how I roll….
MIGHTY FALCONS 34-28

Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl
California and Texas
Bridgeport as in Bridgeport Tires?
What’s so damn educational about a bunch of tires?
You either put them on a car or truck or make a tire swing out of it, that’s about it.
Unless you live in California and then I guess you paint a face on them and worship it.
Idiots….
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 33-17

Wolf Brand Chili Bowl sponsored by the Texarkana Chili Cook-off Association
Much like the earlier Vienna Sausage Bowl, you don’t know what goes into making this delicacy, other than grease, more grease and a pinch of more grease.
But it does look like it’s already been eaten once…
I forgot where I was going with this one…
Tulane Green Wave and Vermont Poop Weasels

Thursday December 29th

Champs Sports Bowl
Florida State and Notre Dame
On paper this Bowl Game looks like it will be a good match-up……
Fortunately they don’t play the game of college football on damn paper.
SEMINOLES 43-17

Valero Alamo Bowl
Washington and Baylor
Having a sponsor with any Spanish name before “The Alamo” is abhorrent to me.
Enough said….
DA BEARS 38-17

Friday December 30th

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Brigham Young and Tulsa – Dallas
The best thing that can be said about this Bowl game is that it’s being played at the home of the Mighty Mustangs of Southern Methodist University in beautiful Dallas Texas.
What I wouldn’t give to be on the West End of Dallas on a Saturday night….
Sorry I had a flashback there for a minute….
GOLDEN HURRICANES 28-24

The Cubic Zirconium Bowl located off the Las Vegas Strip in nearby Gypsum Nevada
This particular Bowl game is reserved for teams that shined and sparkled at the beginning of the season but when it came right down to it, they couldn’t cut glass this year.
South Florida Bulls and Tennessee Volunteers

New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Rutgers and Iowa State
I hate to be the bearer of bad news to the folks in Yankee Land….
But there isn’t anything “new era” about pinstripes, they have been around for a while.
MIGHTY CYCLONES 28-14

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
Mississippi State and Wake Forest
There is a lot at stake in the “Mortgage Bowl” in Nashville….
The losers of this game get their houses foreclosed on…
BULLY DOGS 34-14

Insight Bowl
Iowa and Oklahoma
I have some “Insight” for you on this Bowl game….
The Hawkeyes are going to get the living hell beaten out of them….
BOOMER SOONERS 49-14

Saturday December 31st

Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas
Texas A&M and Northwestern
This Bowl game has one of the most useful and decorative trophy’s that can be found anywhere.
Nothing says “I’m a Winner!” like a Pine Tree Car Deodorizer ….
GIG EM AGGIES 31-17

The I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Bowl
The teams, student bodies, fans and alumni represented in this bowl game are composed of nothing more than lard and food coloring.
The Entire Ivy League and the University of Southern California Trojans

Hyundai Sun Bowl
Georgia Tech and Utah
At first glance I thought this Bowl game was sponsored by two Yugoslavian Utes, but then I realized it was a car company, which is cool.
YELLOW JACKETS 28-24

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl
Illinois and UCLA
Neither team has a head coach which should allow the viewers at home to enjoy the very best display of pee-wee football they have seen all year.
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 6-3

AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Cincinnati and Vanderbilt
There have been a lot of classic games played in this old stadium in the Land of Elvis.
This one may not be a “classic”, but it’s going to be a good one.
Thank you, Thank you very much….
COMMODORES 24-21

Chick-fil-A Bowl
Virginia and Auburn
Conventional wisdom says that the Southeastern Conference is an underdog in this game.
I am neither conventional nor very wise and I can give references to support that claim.
WAR DAMN EAGLE 23-21

I will have another favorite Christmas story on the wire tomorrow.

Next week we will have the final installment of the College Bowls and a few surprises as well.

So Stay Tuned…

Enjoy your Bowl Games…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I shared this brief Christmas Story last year with you all and a good many of you commented on how much you enjoyed reading it and requested that I post it again this year.

So here it is, I do hope you enjoy it.

Two weeks ago the University of North Alabama Lions fell in the Division II College Playoffs on their home field in Florence Alabama.

I mention this because I played on that football field as a young boy.

In fact for a brief period of time, I lived right down the street from the current stadium.

I used to go up there every chance I got, just to run up and down the field.

Pretending to play college football and imagining victory’s won in the last second.

And that got me to thinking about a Christmas I spent there as a boy…..
And the “Post Christmas”……

So I share this little story with you……

I hope you enjoy it…..

Merry Christmas to you all….

Bullets in the Fire

At the risk of sounding like one of those old men I used to listen to as a kid harping on the youth of today, I have to say, some young kids today don’t realize how good they have it.

Between the drive thru meals and the video games it’s no wonder they don’t have appreciation for those things in life one has to work and strive to attain.

If you think I am pointing a finger at you, then you would be wrong.

I am pointing at myself as well.

I remember a time, not that long ago…

In a little house close to the railroad tracks, just down the road from what is now the University of North Alabama. In fact, when the freight trains rolled by everyday the entire house would shake as if from an earthquake. We could feel the clack-clack of the big wheels against steel tracks and the lonely blasts of the horns as the endless trains passed.

It was January and Alabama was hit with an unusually bitter cold spell.
The silhouettes of lifeless trees looked like shadows against the grey skies.
The blistering cold winds caused the entire house to creek as it labored to keep the heat of the fireplace trapped within its midst.

I was six years old and I was living with a family that also had a grandparent and grandmother living with them.

This particular Saturday two neighbors arrived and they were all warming themselves next to the fireplace in the little clapboard house next to the railroad tracks.

As I recall there were a total of eleven people in that little house that Saturday.
There were the foster parents, her father and mother, their two children, myself and two other foster children to work the fields and live stock across the tracks and the two neighbors from down the road.

Eleven in all on this cold morning most of which were huddled close to the fire talking all at once about a variety of subjects. Myself and the other kids all about the same age just got in from feeding the hogs, the two cows and cleaning the stalls to find ourselves hurried to the kitchen for the customary bowl of oatmeal.

My rumbling stomach could wait…
I had other pursuits in mind….

The grandfather who lived there liked me…
Maybe it’s because as a veteran of World War I
That’s right I said World War I…

I listened intently to his every story and asked a variety of questions all of which he answered patiently.
His Daughter and son in law didn’t seem to care what he had done in the Great War and neither did any of the other grandchildren or foster kids.
Me, I loved every minute of it.
I called him Mister Chuck and he called me Sonny.

Mister Chuck would say “Sonny you want to hear a story about the Great War?”
In a loud and resounding voice shouting yes sir! I would be at his feet quick as a rabbit.

I can still see him in my mind’s eye, setting in that rocking chair in his overalls, smoking a filter less cigarette staring into the fireplace as he told his stories; his mind drifting off to the battlefields of Europe and fighting the Hun.

Mister Chuck was a good and decent man.

A few weeks before this story…
It was Christmas..
There wasn’t much to go around for the foster kids in that house or anybody else for that matter.
But Mister Chuck made sure we all got new socks and Miss Annie (his wife) had knitted each of us a nice warm stocking cap.

But Mister Chuck had something special in mind for me….
Mister Chuck always carried tucked in his overalls, a Smith & Wesson Russian Model .44 caliber revolver.

He would occasionally unload it and let me carry it and even let me pretend to shoot it.
I would practice my sight picture imagining unknown marauders and the Kaiser’s Boys across the field, preparing to storm our defensive position.

That pistol was almost as long as my arm and at the time felt like it weighted a metric ton.
But I loved it.

Anytime he would unload the massive revolver he would let me put those big .44 caliber bullets in my pocket and even carry them around most of the day.
The bullets consisted of a huge chunk of lead attached to a real brass cartridge.
I felt like an ammo carrier preparing to make it to the trenches to resupply my brothers on the front lines.

So on this Christmas with no one around Mister Chuck said he knew how much I enjoyed playing with those bullets, so he gave me ten of the .44 Russian caliber bullets.
He got down on the floor with me and told me to imagine them as soldiers and with my imagination they could be whatever I wanted them to be.
It was an awesome gift.

At night I would wrap them in an old handkerchief and put them under my pillow and during the day I carried them with me everywhere I went.
I would play with those bullets every chance I got.
I would line them up on the floor and imagining all kinds of warfare in far away and exotic locations.

On this cold Saturday in January I was in a corner playing with my “soldiers” as the children ate their oatmeal in the kitchen and while the adults huddled near the fire place, some seated and others standing talking about whatever adults talk about.
In the middle of the group set Mister Chuck, staring into the fire.

I was in the process of relieving the beleaguered 101st Airborne Division at Bastogne in the corner of the room near a little table with my bullet soldiers, when the “incident” happened.

The man of the house and the son-in-law of Mister Chuck left the fireplace and came over to the table where I was playing. As he retrieved something from the top of the table his boot hit my “soldiers” and sent them scattering.

The man of the house saw the look of surprise on my young face and perhaps a hint of disgust as well.

He told me in no uncertain terms that I had no business playing with those bullets
He then told me to get rid of them right now or I would get a beating.

To this day I am not sure if everyone huddled around the fireplace heard the dispute, I know Mister Chuck certainly didn’t. Not that it has any real bearing on the rest of the story, but what happened next seem to start in slow motion.

My feelings were hurt and yes I was embarrassed, but more than that I was mad.
So with tears in my eyes, I gathered up my bullets in both hands and walked confidently towards the fireplace.

I walked between two adults who were talking about something or another and unceremoniously pitched all ten .44 caliber bullets into the roaring fire.

I can still the brass turning over in the air as they left my hands
The moment was frozen in time.

Until the Son In law who unbeknownst to me had witnessed the entire episode from across the room yelled
“There’s Bullets in the Fire!”

That was about the time the first rounds started detonating in the fireplace.
Was it ever loud!

I have never seen so many people running so fast in my life; how so many of them squeezed through the front door of that little house at the same time amazes me to this day.

That little living room looked like the deck of the Titanic.

While the crowd panicked Mister Chuck never left his rocking chair, I can still hear him laughing over the explosions in the fireplace.
He was laughing so hard he was crying, despite the fact embers hit him from the explosions and left burning, smoking holes on the legs of his overalls and in the arms of his flannel shirt.

I had a firsthand account of these events as I conveniently watched the fireworks display and subsequent scrabbling for safety from behind Mister Chuck’s rocking chair.

By the time the last round exploded and with ringing in my ears and the smell of cordite hanging in the air, the crowd slowly made their way back into the house, and I don’t think I need to mention the adults were something less than pleased with my actions, even Miss Annie looked like she was thrown from a truck.

Once Mister Chuck’s son-in-law came into the house, he grabbed me by the straps of my overalls and jerked me to me feet.
I knew I was done for
That was until Mister Chuck said
“Let that boy go”.
Nobody messed with Mister Chuck.

Mister Chuck stood up from his rocking chair and calmly asked me what happened.
When the Son-in-law tried to interrupt, Mister Chuck just held up his hand to silence his protests.

In my fear I recounted the story and Mister Chuck nodded his head, patted me on the shoulder and said, nobody is whipping this boy today. Sonny let’s go get you some more of them bullets.
And he did

I didn’t get a whipping that day, or any other day while I was in that home.
Only Mister Chuck and I talked and laughed about the incident later, nobody else dared bring the subject up for fear of making the son-in-law mad.

All either of us had to say was
“There’s Bullets in the Fire!”
And we would erupt with laughter.
Each and every time we talked about it, Mister Chuck would laugh just as hard as he did the day it happened and he would always say, “That was the funniest damn thing I ever saw”.

I left there the next year and I never forgot Mister Chuck and Miss Annie.
I didn’t see a lot of Mister Chuck as the years moved on and I kept up with them as best I could as I was growing up. But Mister Chuck never forgot me.

He made sure before he died that “Sonny” received the pistol he loved so much as a little boy.

Sometimes everything works out just like it’s supposed to.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

The people I see, I think are invisible to the naked eye.
In other words I can see them but you can’t. Ghosts?
No, they aren’t ghosts; at least I don’t think so.
Some may be Ghosts of what they once were. Am I confusing you?

Well, it’s just like the other morning.
I thought I saw something standing out of the wind at the front of an old downtown shop. It was around 7:30 on Saturday morning.
Was it ever cold and there was a moment there I really felt like the wind was going to cut me in half.
As I leaned into the wind and walked up to the storefront I passed a man and a woman that never saw it.
Seriously, that never saw it.
Looked right at “It.” But never saw it.
That is how I figured out that some of these people are invisible.
Because, other people look “right” at them and they don’t seem to really SEE them. You know what I mean?

I am not very good at guessing ages. Never have been.
If I had that particular job at the carnival, I would starve to death.
I say that because as I approached the figure in the storefront, I couldn’t tell how old she was.

But if I had to guess, I would say that she was closer to seventy that she was sixty.
She was shivering and her body was shaking. I asked her if she had gloves.
She nodded her head in an affirmative manner.
I asked her if I could get her anything.
She moved her head from side to side slowly that indicated a negative response to my question.
So I asked her, if I could get her a hot cup of coffee.
A smile broke from under her scarf and a soft voice said, “Yes, please.”
I told her that I would be right back, and I sprinted the 40 or fifty yards to the Seven-Eleven Store and purchased a large hot coffee and then walked quickly back to where she was standing in the storefront. She took it from my hands and I watched her soak up the warmth of the coffee in the Styrofoam cup, holding it close to her face.
Before I could ask her if she needed anything else, she smiled and that same soft voice said, “Thank You”. We exchanged a smile and I was on my way.

I didn’t know who she was.
But I know that she is a human being.
With the same organs you and I have.
She has eyes, feelings, memories and dreams.
She is no different than the guy I talked to an hour later inside the chain link fence, where the dumpster’s are located behind the convenience store near the bridge.
I gave him one of my old sleeping bags, and a wool sweater.
I bought him a cup of coffee and I listened to him talk as we sit in that cold and windy place.
He has feelings. He has memories and dreams. He is not what he once was. A
s a kid it never occurred to him that he would be where he is now.

They are not invisible. Are they? We see them you and I.
They are our brothers and our sisters.
They are our fellow citizens.
Please see them this Holiday Season.
Please think of them. Please pray for them.
Please give them that touch, and let them know that you care.

Merry Christmas

RTR
MEB

I promised a couple of surprises this Christmas Season…..

And I recognize that these stories don’t have a lot to do with College Football.

But College Football, like certain experiences in life builds character.

God Bless the Characters with Character in your lives this Christmas.

I hope you enjoy this Christmas Story, there are a few more on the way

Enjoy….

SHADOWS and STUKAS

I was nine years old, it was Christmas 1967 and I wanted to fly.

I worked on a farm, tilling the red dirt in Upper Alabama (there is no such thing as “Northern” Alabama) and lived in a state funded household. In other words, as a ward of the state, I lived and worked in a family’s home and they were provided a monetary supplement by the state. I was a hired hand with no wages to be paid.
In this particular case, I worked for Mr. James Lloyd, or “Big Jim”, as he like to be called by other men.

I worked at first light until it was time for me to walk to school.
There was always plenty of work to do.
Immediately following school, I worked until dark, ate supper and went to bed.
The only break to the ritual was during the weekends, when I worked from before the sun came up over the horizon until well after dark.
My days consisted of a lot of work.

I tried to stay in the shadows and keep a low profile during my days on the farm. I was fearful of arousing the wrath of my foster family and in particular that of Mister James Lloyd, I went out of my way to avoid drawing attention to myself. This included school, where I walked the halls in homemade overalls and boots that were well worn and to big for my feet.
I tried very hard to blend in with the scenery and keep to the shadows. Being a “problem” meant getting a beating by Big Jim, and I didn’t want to be a “problem”.

However, in September of that year I saw something in K-Mart that I wanted more than anything in this world. I saw something I had never seen before in my short life.

Glimmering in the light of the store was a Cox gas powered German Stuka airplane. Its coal black gull wings reflected the ceiling lights as it lay on the top shelf. It was the most magnificent thing I had ever seen. Further examination of the craft reveled a cockpit, with a plastic lifelike pilot, real rubber tires, and a bomb attached to the darkened underbelly. The owner of such a fine creation could “actually” fly it. It was a matter of following the instructions, preparing the airplane, starting the engine, and soaring into the sky.
No sacrifice was too great. I had to have this airplane. It cost almost twenty dollars.

For those of you not familiar with this particular line of Cox gas powered airplanes let me take a moment to provide you with just some of the details of this wonderful airplane.
The Stuka had a wingspan of three feet, controlled by two guide wires, which connected to a master handle that allowed the controller or “pilot” to fly the airplane. The propeller had a diameter of approximately eight inches. This was a man’s machine. No doubt about it.

Oblivious to my own safety, I asked Mr. Lloyd for an increase in my allowance for my labor. The state required children who were wards of the state, who worked as farm labor, receive a just compensation for their labors. My “just” compensation came to a dollar a week. I needed more if I was going to get that Stuka.

Big Jim’s initial reaction was something less than positive. By trying to hit me with a shovel and calling me an ungrateful bastard in a rather loud voice, I quickly determined that another course of action was in order.

I figured the only possible way I had to get the Stuka was to save my money and then buy it for myself for Christmas.
I had time to save the money and I was assured of getting something for Christmas. It was a plan that couldn’t fail.

I began hording the money allotted to me for milk during lunch. The money that went to purchasing a milk card once a month now went to the “Stuka Christmas Fund”. Between my dollar a week, milk money and raking the church parking lot and picnic area once a month for a dollar. I would have just enough for the Stuka by Christmas. I had to be very careful and save.

I volunteered to help with carrying the various items just to make the trip to K-Mart, so I could see “my” airplane. It looked more impressive each time I saw it.
When I wasn’t working on the farm, I was fantasizing about flying the magnificent craft. I thought about it all the time. The black Stuka flew all the time in all of my dreams.

I sweated dollar bills and nickels each week. Figuring, and adding to make sure I would have just enough for the present of a lifetime.
Surely this would be something I would cherish, if not for the rest of my life, then certainly for a very long time.

Sometime during Thanksgiving, a drunken Big Jim Lloyd, informed me that I shouldn’t expect anything for Christmas.
I announced that I had saved enough money to purchase a Cox, gas powered Stuka for myself for Christmas, all I needed was a ride to K-Mart so I could purchase it.
I saw a look of total amazement on those faces.
Then good ole Jim offered his words of encouragement; by stating “You won’t be able to fly that damn thing”.
The gauntlet had been thrown. I would fly it and show them all.

I worked and saved and counted my money every week as I had done from the first of September. I was going to have enough money and Big Jim was going to take me to K-Mart the week before Christmas to pick up my Stuka. I could hardly wait for the day to arrive and time seem to crawl until the week before Christmas.

The appointed time finally came around and I can honestly say, that I have never been prouder of a single purchase in my entire life.
It was mine.
All the hard work and saving, was worth all the sacrifice.
That coal black Stuka was mine.
Big Jim drank and sang with the radio all the way back to the farm that Saturday morning and I can’t recall a single thing he may have said.
My eyes were fixed on that wonderful airplane setting in my lap.
I was speechless.

I removed the Flying instructions before I wrapped it and placed it under the tree.
I wanted to memorize every single bolt, nut and pin in that aircraft. I wanted to learn everything before its maiden voyage.

I memorized every detail in the “flying manual”. I knew everything from the starting sequence to the proper angle for landing and how to taxi in a cross wind. I was so ready for Christmas to come. My next step was to convince, or beg if necessary, Big Jim to take me sometime during Christmas to the A&P grocery store parking lot to fly it.

By the time Christmas Eve rolled around I was as anxious as a cat in a rocking chair factory. Christmas Eve passed, with me being fortunate enough to gage Big Jim’s liquor intake to catch him in a joyous mood. He gladly consented to my request to be taken to the grocery parking lot in town on Christmas day.
Everything had fallen into place.

At the crack of dawn I was awake and unceremoniously opened my pre-wrapped Christmas gift. The Stuka was just incredible. I took to the task of preparing her for flight and closely followed all the pre-flight instructions for rigging the plane. In a few short hours I would be in control, flying the Stuka through the cold Christmas morning air.

The rest of the group was soon awake and unwrapping gifts and Big Jim began drinking to chase his hangover away. After a few stiff belts of Old Crow and Coca-Cola Big Jim told me get in the truck and yelled for his son Timmy to get his coat, he was going too.

The ride was cold in the front seat of that old Chevy pick-up truck and although it took nearly half an hour to get to town, I was so very excited to start flying “my” Stuka.

The moment soon arrived when we pulled into the empty parking lot and I grabbed Timmy to assist me and left Big Jim mixing himself another early morning pick me up in the pick up truck.

Due to the cold weather, it took me what I thought was a long time to start the Stuka. We bent over that plane. Timmy would hold the tail section while I gassed the engine and turned the propeller. It would shudder and begin to start and in a moment, the engine would sputter and die.
Big Jim had taken his refreshment to the rear of the vehicle and offered his encouragement by shouting, “It ain’t going to work!” each time the engine would stall.

What seemed like forever, fighting the cold bile of fear in the back of my throat that Big Jim would grow too restless and have us go back to the house without ever having flown, The Stuka’s engine started and sustained a steady rhythmic whine. I still remember how the exhaust smelled that December morning.

The big moment had arrived. The Stuka’s engine was humming loudly, Timmy was holding the tail section of the plane and I had taken the handle with the two control wires firmly in my hand, holding my wrist with the other for extra support. Everything was perfect.

Some moments in life seem to take place simultaneously in slow motion and at warp speed and are remembered in just that way. Often this occurs when expectations and reality of a specific event or circumstances collide, resulting, more often than not, in a victory for reality. Reality, like gravity, will get you every single time.

In my mind, I saw the Stuka taxi in the parking lot, as I tightened the control wires and began walking in a circle, slowly lifting the plane into the sky, climbing in altitude as I controlled every aspect of the aircraft from my single handgrip control. After an extended flight, the Stuka would begin a gradual descent, gently touch its wheels to the asphalt, and taxi to a halt.
Thus ending a perfect maiden flight.

What happened that day began in slow motion. My heart was beating like a lab rabbit. I had a firm grip, on the handgrip and the slack was out of the control wires. I slowly nodded to Timmy to release his hold on the tail section. Rather than the “expected” slow taxi, the Stuka leapt straight into the sky some three feet from Timmy.
In the flash of an instant the Stuka was climbing almost completely vertical to the horizon.
Despite the fact that maybe five seconds had elapsed since Timmy had released the Stuka, I was now firmly in the panic mode and things were moving way too fast.

In one second, using the controller’s handgrip, I attempted an emergency maneuver to bring the plane under control and the next instant it was plunging at hyper speed straight towards the asphalt.

The high whine of the gas powered airplane engine was followed closely by the sound of the Stuka making contact at a high rate of speed with the parking lot. The sudden and complete silence was broken only by pieces of the plane falling back to earth following its rather abrupt stop.

The next few seconds I stood in stunned silence holding the controllers handgrip and watching the guide wires dance in the wind attached to nothing.

My shock was broken when Big Jim yelled, “Pick up what ever is left and lets get home so the rest of us can enjoy our Christmas.” I did as I was told and picked up what was left of my beloved Stuka and placed the remains in an old liquor box.

I held the broken pieces of my dream clutched in my lap on the ride home as Big Jim reminded me that he “knew” that damn thing wasn’t going to fly.

I have never forgotten that Christmas morning and have often retold this story as my favorite and, yes, funniest Christmas adventure.

As I have gotten older, I have had a chance to review and analyze the details surrounding my dream of flying that Cox gas powered Stuka.
I have come to one very important and complete truth.

Big Jim was right about one thing. That Damn thing wasn’t meant to fly.

RTR

MEB

Before we come to the end of the 2011 College Football Season next week, we have some Bedlam in Oklahoma and a Farmageddon (No, I didn’t make that up)…
And we have a few Conference Championships to discuss.

But who am I kidding?

All eyes are on the Southeastern Conference (again)

Will the Mighty LSU Tigers and the Alabama Crimson Tide play for it all?

Or will the Georgia Bulldogs “Hunker Down One More Time” and knock off the Bayou Bengals

We have more than a few things to discuss, so let’s get to it

Enjoy your Picks…..

POST IRON BOWL REPLAY

In a fierce rivalry week, when anything can happen….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was an “astounding” 46 and 8 or 85%.
(Please feel free to applaud at any time)

That leaves the CFB Wizard at 681 and 188 or holding steady at 78% for the 2011 season.

And as you might have guessed I have a couple of comments about “one” game in particular.
The Iron Bowl

To my great Auburn Alumni Veterinarians who have been so kind to my wonderful four legged family members and to my friends who are Auburn Alumni, I will shake your hand and tell you the same thing I say every year regardless of the score or the outcome of the game;
“Good game, see you next year”

To the mentally challenged Auburn Fans who sent me 483 rude and nasty emails after last year’s Iron Bowl and continued to send me taunting letters throughout the year, I have this to say to you: As the last strands of toilet paper drift from the dying shrubs of Tombstone Corner, I can’t help but notice that you all are quieter than a mime convention, but just not as entertaining.

Thanks for sending me that picture dumbass….
And one other comment…
It Hurts, don’t it?
“Good game, see you next year”

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Wizard Man –
I am mad as hell!
My Buddy done come over to the house and TOLD me he saw on them National Geographic television satellite that Elks have sex like 10 to 15 times a day this time of the year!
And wouldn’t you know it I just joined the VFW last week!
What do you think I should do?

Cory – Conway, Arkansas

A: Cory have you considered AMVETS?

Q: Dear Sir –
My family and I moved to the State of Alabama last year and we are “new” to the Alabama – Auburn Rivalry, and I have a question that I hope you can help me with.

I also teach Sunday school to some young children ages 6 thru 8 and they were asking me last Sunday why so many people were happy that the Crimson Tide won the Iron Bowl.
Being new to this intense rivalry…
I hope you can give me an answer to satisfy these young impressionable minds.
Thank you

Joshua – Northport, Alabama

A: In Biblical terms Joshua, the resounding Victory by the Mighty Crimson Tide in the Iron Bowl means, that Jesus has put Satan back in the pit at least for another year.

Amen….

Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard –

My family and I traveled to see our first college football game this past weekend to watch the University of Tennessee take on the University of Kentucky in Lexington.

And I have a strange question that I hope you can answer for me.
My family and I noticed as we drove through the Commonwealth of Kentucky that nearly all the vehicles only had one functioning headlight, is there a reason for that phenomenon?

Thank you

PS: We really enjoy your website!

The Kirkland Family – Hamilton, Ohio

A: Thank you for the kind compliment Kirkland family, I greatly appreciate it.
The reason for this phenomenon is actually quite simply.
It is required by Federal law that all vehicles sold or purchased within the Commonwealth of Kentucky and within the State of West Virginia cannot leave the car lot without having “one” headlight disabled or otherwise “knocked out”. This law is also applicable in east Tennessee, southern Alabama, Arkansas and parts of Mississippi.

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –

What is your opinion about the nauseating out pouring of love from the national sports “media” concerning the year long push to give Stanford’s Andrew Luck the Heisman Trophy?

Thanks –

Gary – Memphis, Tennessee

A: Thank you for the email Gary.
Most people don’t know this about me, but I Love Christmas lights.
And one of the reasons I love them is because, Christmas Lights remind me of the national sports “media”
They all hang together, half of them don’t work and the one’s that do still aren’t too bright.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

FLORIDA: I know Gator Fans…..
He said he just wanted some “personal space” and that he wouldn’t date “other” people.
Then you have to find out he went and married a damn Yankee this week.
It’s going to be alright, just get a gallon of Ice Cream and watch “Gone with the Wind”
You will be fine

TEXAS: The Mighty Longhorns ended the Lone Star Showdown as the good Lord intended….
I couldn’t have been prouder…

TENNESSEE: As I have written in past articles….
The worst referee in Southeastern Conference History; Penn Wagers has changed games and seasons with his many (many) controversial calls. The list is endless…

So without rubbing salt in last week’s wound I have this to say…
“Sometimes Penn gives and sometimes Penn takes away”

That WAS a Kentucky fumble at the ten yard line and you all did win the game.

VANDERBILT: All the sports media talking heads are gibbering about “who should be the Coach of the Year in the Southeastern Conference”
I will tell you who it is….Coach Franklin of Vanderbilt
Congratulations to the Commodores for being Bowl eligible this year

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Houston left Mississippi with Egg on his face….
Great Win Bulldogs and Congratulations

COLORADO: Armageddon is right around the corner; prepare yourself for the end of the world.
The Buffalo’s won their first “away” since World War I……

GEORGIA: The Mighty Bulldogs made the Conference Championship game, just like I said they would.
No need to thank me, it’s how I roll.

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE: The College Sports dominance of this conference…
Makes me believe if the SEC would have been in charge of the War in Iraq and Afghanistan…
The war would have been over in three months and the Taliban would have finished with a worse record than Ole Miss.
Believe it

COACH’S CAROUSEL: Queue the Circus Music…..

UCLA…Ohio State…Ole Miss…Illinois…..Kansas….Washington State and the list grows…
The Hiring and firing isn’t over yet, not by a long shot…

More on this story as the Carousel turns…

WASHINGTON STATE: The Cougars hired “The Mad Pirate” in Mike Leach
It’s a great hire, and as my brothers in the Navy like to say…

“Stand by for heavy rolls”

OHIO STATE: If you think a little “Urban Renewal” is going to be the end of your problems
Think again

THE GAMES

Thursday December 1st

West Virginia at South Florida
The Mountaineers are a dangerous football team when the sun goes down and that’s…
No Bull
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-17

Friday December 2nd

Ohio at Northern Illinois
This Championship game for the “something or another” Conference
Should be a Good one….
FRANKS CATS 34-31

UCLA at Oregon
Is this the Championship game of the PAC “whatever it’s called”?
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Seriously, it really is the “Championship game”?
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
QUACKS 53-17

Saturday December 3rd

Syracuse at Pittsburgh
I’m really sorry I can’t stop laughing about the Pacific Athletic Championship game…
PANTHERS 21-17

Connecticut at Cincinnati
Ok in all fairness to the participants in this game, I really can’t stop giggling about the PAC something “Championship” game, it’s just too damn funny.
BEARKATS 34-17

The 2nd Round of the Division II Playoffs
Delta State and North Greenville
I think by now you all know I’m all about Okra…..
Except for Okra Winfrey, I think she is a damn idiot
FIGHTING OKRA 38-34

Iowa State at Kansas State
They call this game “Farmageddon”
It’s like Armageddon except with tractors and combines…..
WILDCATS 21-17

Troy at Arkansas State
In years past the Men of Troy have seemingly always had the Red Wolves number..
Not this year…
RED WOLVES 28-14

New Mexico at Boise State
I remember reading something from the Folks at Famous Potatoes State about….
“The teams in the Southeastern Conference don’t ever play anybody of note…”
SOoooooooooooo The Low Blows of New Mexico are a real powerhouse?
Idiots…
BRONCOS 92-0

Brigham Young at Hawaii
Dog the Bounty Hunter is on Christmas vacation or I would feel differently about this game.
Please, do not judge me or question my methods.
It’s a process, never mind…
COUGARS 34-24

Old Dominion at Georgia Southern
The First Round of the Playoffs….
After watching the Mighty Eagles attack the Crimson Tide two weeks ago…
I am going with…
SOUTHERN EAGLES 34-17

Wyoming at Colorado State
They call this game “The Border War” and it’s played for the “Bronze Boot”
I think the Cowboys are going to get the Boot in this one…
RAM TOUGH 31-17

Central Arkansas at Montana
Another Playoff Game and it’s played in the Sunny confines of Big Sky Country
And by “Sunny” I mean 10 degrees below zero….
THE GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 33-10

UNLV at Texas Christian
In this game, I have “two words” for you that will help simplify this entire contest
HORNED FROGS 43-17

Idaho at Nevada
The “Ida Honkies” make the trip to the Land of Roulette Wheels and Broken Dreams
And as a side note, it’s not the first time an group of “Ida Honkies” left that state disappointed
WOLF PACK 43-17

New Hampshire at Montana State
Ahhhh Another Playoff Game played in the warmth of Big Sky Country
I did mention that it’s going to be 10 degrees below zero in Montana this weekend didn’t I?
BOBCATS 28-17

Utah State at New Mexico State
There is a lot of Agriculture to be had in this game….
I am going out on a limb in this one, but I am feeling really confident
AGGIES 28-24

Fresno State at San Diego State
I received an email this week that said this game was “really” important
Sadly, the email didn’t give any other details, so I really don’t care
ANCIENT AZTECS 31-28

Texas at Baylor
I know the Bears are heavily favored in this game..
But I am incapable of picking against the Longhorns; it’s against my DNA
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 31-28

Middle Tennessee State at North Texas
Blue Raiders and Green that’s Mean….
There are far too many colors in this game for a colored blind guy like myself
MEAN GREEN 33-28

James Madison at North Dakota State
If you think Montana is cold this time of year, then you should visit North Dakota…
That cold wind strips everything off the surface of the earth there..
You don’t think so?
Then why is their State Tree a Telephone Pole?
THUNDERING BISON 21-17

Southern Miss at Houston
The Championship Game of Conference USA
I think the Mighty Cougars will remain undefeated, but not by much
COUGARS 28-24

Virginia Tech at Clemson
The Atlantic Coast Conference Championship Game
I still believe in the power of Howard’s Rock
DABO’S TIGERS 31-28

Oklahoma at Oklahoma State
The Bedlam Game for the Bedlam Bell
This game has been hyped for weeks and it won’t disappoint
BOOMER SOONERS 38-34

Wisconsin at Michigan State
The Championship Game for The Big Ten (Something or Another) Conference
These two teams met earlier in the season and the Cheese Loving Badgers fell to the Mighty Men of Sparta, go ahead and hit rewind and then enjoy in the instant replay
MIGHTY MEN OF SPARTA 28-24

Georgia at LSU
The BIG One
The Georgia Dome
The Southeastern Conference Championship Game
It’s going to be a dandy
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-17

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Thanksgiving is here and it’s time for us all to be thankful and count our blessings; and this Thanksgiving with have a menu full of hard feelings, rivalries and animosity.

For your viewing pleasure we have Civil Wars, Clean Old Fashioned Hate, Battles and Bells, Showdowns, Golden Boots and a variety of Cups, one is even an Apple Cup.
Then we have a Bowl of Iron.

So set back and relax, while you can; It’s Rivalry Weekend

Enjoy your Picks…..

POST WEEKEND REPLAY

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather surprising (All things considered) 47 and 16 or 75% last week.
That leaves me at 635 and 180 or 78% after 12 weeks of the 2011 college football season.
But let’s not focus on the negative here.

It’s Thanksgiving and I am more of a Norman Rockwell traditionalist when it comes to this wonderful holiday. I know that’s “old fashioned” but I enjoy it.

There are so many traditions, too many to mention, and certainly each family has their own traditions they adhere to this time of year.
And for many of us it’s a time of deep reflection and melancholy as we remember the Thanksgivings of yesterday.

But I think perhaps my favorite Thanksgiving tradition is when sometime during the festive weekend I get all liquored up and decide to make some bad decisions.

Don’t judge me; half of you are planning on doing the same thing.

Have a Great Thanksgiving

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Hello, to you all. I went to a football game Friday night and watched some college ball on Saturday. But, this week, I’m not going to write about those games because a guy you may have heard of, originally from Minneapolis Minnesota, died Sunday night and I’m sad.
His name was Larry Munson. I loved listening to that man. I know if you are a Georgia Bulldog football fan, you loved listening to him too. Larry was like us. He was one of us.
When me and the rest of the folks down here go to see the Telfair Trojans on a Friday night, we don’t care anything about Clinch, or Hawkinsville, or Wilcox. We’re pulling for our team to beat anybody that walks on that field against us.

Maybe that’s why we loved Larry Munson so much.
Because he didn’t care anything about Florida, or Alabama, or Auburn, or Tennessee.
He wanted to see HIS Bulldogs….Our Bulldogs, win every time they stepped out on the field. Maybe we loved him so much because there are so many more Bulldog fans all over the great state of Georgia that can’t get to Athens on Saturdays and watch a game and he was our link to Sanford Stadium, Bryant-Denny, Jordan-Hare and all those other revered cathedrals spread across the South.

We loved him because he brought those Dogs into our trucks and tractors and homes every week before there was ESPN or Fox Sports or Sports South or an SEC Network.

Back in those days, down here in the country, we only got one, maybe two TV stations. We might see our home team once maybe twice in a season if they were up in the Top 10 of the polls. So, we turned on the radio and tuned in the local station and went about our day on the tractor pulling a bush hog, riding to the barber shop to get the weekly haircut, or sitting on the front porch with a cold glass of iced tea, and listened. And Larry was always there to prod, push, and cajole those Bulldogs to another victory or heartbreaking defeat. He didn’t wax poetic about what was going on during the game.
He just talked, and yelled, in that unmistakable Larry Munson voice, with that unmistakable description of the events that were unfolding on the field and told us what was going on. Sometimes he didn’t even tell you what had happened on the field. But you knew. “Run, Lindsay, Run…”, “We just stomped them in the face with a hobnail boot…”, “My God Almighty, He ran through two men. Herschel ran right over two men!! They had him dead away inside the nine!!!”

For those of us my age, we grew up with Larry. I’m in my 50’s and remember those balmy September afternoons riding to Workmore or McRae with my daddy. He always had the radio on the Bulldogs games on those Saturday afternoons. He wasn’t an emotional man, but when Georgia would score, or stuff a drive, or kick a field goal, and Larry was working us up to a frenzy, he’d just smile.

I can hear him now……

Can you?

“Whaddaya got, Loran?”

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dude, man, like you’re about extra-terrestrial man.
I really dig your site, man, like it’s really cool.
But, dude, man, check it out.
My names Doobie, and like, maaaaaaaan, you’re not gonna believe this, man.
Like, man, you know how everybody always talks about old dude from LSU, what’s his name? Ahhhh, yeah, that Les Miles dude? Yah, that’s it.
Well, you know, you hear how everybody’s always talking about him eating grass at the games and stuff? Well, check it out, dude. I live down the street from the old dude, you know? Well, when he like first got here I was walking down the street, like just minding my own business, cause my Volkswagon was in the shop.
Well, ole dude is out in his front yard and he’s like real nervous and all and I’m walkin down the road smoking a little weed and he smells it and looks over at me.
Well, dude, he looked like a cop or something, you know?
And I thought I was busted cause he came walking out to the road and he like starts talkin bout how stressed out he is cause he has ADD or something and he can’t tell time sometimes and people get mad at him or something.
And he goes, like, DUDE, is that like a marijuana cigarette and, like, I say yeah, you wanna hit? And he’s like hell, why not? So he sits there and smokes the WHOLE DAMN THING!!! Well, he’s like, dude, this is pretty neat!!! And he starts talkin bout something about a game or something and he’s like man, you gotta hook me up, dude. Get me some more of this stuff!!! So I’m like, okay, dude, chill and don’t talk so loud.
So he gives me a hundred dollars and I start walking off and I turn around and look and he’s like acting like a cow, down on his hands and knees like grazing in the front yard from the munchies. So, I just wanted to tell you Wizard dude like this dudes been getting all my best weed every fall and won’t leave me alone until after January and I don’t know what to do. Can you, like, help me man?

Doobie Jenkins
Baton Rouge, Louisiana

A: Thank you for the considerate email Doobie, but I have one question….
Was “Old Dude” wearing a #7 LSU Jersey?

Q: DEAR SIR!!!!!!!!!!
Didja see that pro football game last night? I mean, I just can’t believe it!!!!
You know I was real upset when my baby and always love Tim Tebow ran away from my Flarda Gaters but I just can’t stay mad at that boy for long.
You know, when I see him given everybody that cute little smile my heart just melts. Well, anyways, them Denver Broncos went and whupped them Yankee boy New York Jets last night!!!!
And you know what else?
I KNEW it was gonna happen even before it did!!!!
See, my cousin that lives up there near Live Oak called me up and said he had this video game or something called The Mad NFL or something.
He said that Saturday after the Care-lina game that he was so upset and distraught that that turncoat Steve Spurrier beat our gaters that he decided to just play that video football.
And he said he played them Broncos against the Jets like a dozen times and he pertended to be Tim Tebow on there and guess what!!!! He said he won every time!!!
So it was like I had me a vision and ESP and all at the same time cause I knew my baby was gonna win that game AND THEY DID!!!!
I truly believe deep in my heart of hearts that my sugar baby Tim Tebow is on a mission. I mean, I know that real life football game aint no video game but I think the Lord Almighty must have him one of those video controller thangs and is makin the love of my life TIM TEBOW WIN!!!!
I mean, I hear them sports folks talkin on TV bout how by beloved Tim couldn’t hit a bull in the ass with a bass fiddle when it comes to throwin the ball, but it’s like some kinda divine intervention when he decides to skedaddle and run with that football.
What do ya think of that Mr Wizard!!!
I think Tim Tebow is gonna win him a Super Bowl to go along with his National Championships!!!!!! And you know what else? It’s like destiny cause the Bronco’s has got orange in their uniforms too, just like them FLARDA GATERS!!!!!
Go Gaters!!!!
Tracy in Homassassa

A: What have I been telling you Tracy, “Good things come to those who wait”

Q: Dear Sir,

Although I am world renowned, I have fallen on some hard times lately.
You see, I recently left the sunny climes of Hawaii, in search of more business due to economic reasons. I did extensive research and came to the conclusion that there would be a ‘bountiful’(no pun intended) supply of criminals needing to be picked up in Knoxville, Tennessee. All I had to do was check the sports pages to reach this decision. My problem now is that the University of Tennessee seems to have cleaned up its act a little and business is way off. I am now looking at relocating to another location near an institution of higher learning that has a major football program. I have narrowed it down to Gainesville, Florida and Eugene, Oregon. Could you please provide a little insider knowledge on the possibilities at these two schools?

Thank you,
Dog the Bounty Hunter.

A: You are the Man Dog, I will hook you up with all you need to know about Eugene Oregon and Good Hunting, it should be a target rich environment.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

ESPN COLLEGE GAMEDAY: Coach Lee Corso; you almost made me pee on myself last Saturday and by the looks of Kirk, I wasn’t the only one…

We Love you Coach

SOUTHERN MISS: Really Golden Eagles? You lost to UAB?
I am far too upset to say anything else………………….

OKLAHOMA STATE: I am sorry I wasn’t paying attention….

What were you all saying about that 28 year old quarterback being a Heisman Trophy candidate? I thought I heard something about a National Championship game, something or another?

I’m sorry I wasn’t listening; I was watching the celebration in the Ames Iowa…

OKLAHOMA: Sooners, please see above and insert your own cuss words concerning the Baylor Bears

OREGON: I think this picture says it all….

CLEMSON: You lost the damn Textile Bowl…..
And worse you caused me to have a tourette’s attack….

FLORIDA STATE: I am too mad to talk to you at the moment….

MONTANA: Congratulations Mighty Grizzlies on winning “The Brawl of the Wild”

ARIZONA: Soooooooooooooooooo you are going to hire Rich Rod and his ten dollar hooker wife to run the wildcat football program. I have but one thing to say….

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Enclosed is a Great Picture of “Rita Rod” going to the Arizona Wildcat News Conference with “Coach Rod”……One word: Classy

THE GAMES

Tuesday November 22nd

Miami (OH) at Ohio
This Buckeye Battle doesn’t have a great deal of hatred involved.
But there is enough animosity to make it fun to watch
FRANK’S CATS 28-24

Thursday November 24th

Texas and Texas A&M
The Last Lone Star Showdown…..
I still can’t believe I won’t see another one in my lifetime.
It’s a damn shame….
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 24-21

Friday November 18th

Louisville at South Florida
I am going “Upset Special” in this one…..
STRONGER CARDINAL’S 21-17

Houston at Tulsa
This game will be more offensive than Hillary Clinton in a bikini
(Don’t blame me if you got sick over that visual, you probably ate too much yesterday)
MIGHTY COUGARS 53-38

Iowa at Nebraska
This “new” rivalry in the Big Ten (something or another) is called….
“The Hero’s Game” and it’s played for the “Hero’s Trophy”
I honestly don’t know why anyone would play a football game for a giant Sub Sandwich
But Ok, I guess….
CORN KIDS 28-24

Kent State at Temple
If you are watching this game instead of Arkansas and LSU…..
Then you have too many issues to be addressed in this short column, but please seek professional psychiatric help immediately.
HOOTERS 31-28

Bowling Green at Buffalo
The Bills are to College Football what Richard Simmons is to Fitness.
FALCONS 38-17

Akron at Western Michigan
In a fight between a kangaroo and a Bronco….
(Still not sure why a college in northern Ohio has a kangaroo for a mascot)
I will go with a Kangaroo, maybe because I like Outback Steakhouse
ZIPPY 31-28

Toledo at Ball State
I got it….
The Rocket’s and the Cardinal’s are all excited about this game
I’m waiting on the LSU – Arkansas game, How about you?
RICKY ROCKET 34-31

Arkansas at LSU
This game is called the Battle for the Golden Boot and make no mistake about it…
The two schools, fans and players hate each other
This one can easily go either way…Believe it
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 31-28

Colorado at Utah
Have I mentioned that Colorado hasn’t won an away game since the Two Utes were just “One” Ute?
TWO UTES 38-17

Boston College at Miami
I will be far to exhausted (Before and After) The Battle for the Golden Boot…
To care about this game, sorry
HURRICANES 28-21

Pittsburgh at West Virginia
They call this game “The Backyard Brawl”
It is that and more….
It’s a war until the final whistle blows
Light Those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-21

UTEP at Central Florida
The Folks from El Paso visit the Boys from O’ Town (Not the musically challenged defunct Boy Band) and there isn’t much to worry about here…
The Knights are Golden….
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 38-34

California at Arizona State
I was going to watch this game but Turkey makes me sleepy….
Even watching two turkeys like these teams playing football makes me sleepy
SUNNY DEVILS 33-17

Saturday November 19th

Georgia at Georgia Tech
This bitter rivalry is known by a very simple name….
“Clean, Old fashioned Hate” and it’s played for the Governors Cup
Larry, this one is for you….
HUNKER DOWN DAWGS 34-17

Michigan State at Northwestern
The Spartans are headed to the Big Ten (Whatever) Title Game…
Believe it..
MEN OF SPARTA 28-13

Ohio State at Michigan
This hate filled game is known simply as “The Game”
The animosity and the bitterness lasts for generations.
This one is going to be closer than you might think and could go either way
WOLVERINES 24-17

Rutgers at Connecticut
You aren’t really going to watch this game with all the rivalry games on are you?
I didn’t think so….
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 28-17

Cincinnati at Syracuse
I really don’t get the Syracuse Mascot….
“Otto the Orange”?
He looks like the Cool-Aide man had a baby with a jar of Tang.
BEARKATS 24-17

Rice at Southern Methodist
This rivalry in the Lone Star State is called “The Battle for the Mayors Cup”
I’m a Mighty Mustang Man (Even though I’m Baptist, not Methodist)
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 43-17

Tennessee at Kentucky
This fierce border rivalry is played for the Bourbon Barrel and Tennessee has owned it
They still do….
VOWELS 21-17

Maryland at North Carolina State
You’re not seriously considering switching to this game are you?
WOLF PACK 28-24

The Second Round of the Division II Playoffs
North Alabama at Delta State
They met once earlier in the season and the Okra Fried the Lions late in the game
The Lions return the favor today…
FLORENCE LIONS 34-31

Troy at Western Kentucky
Helen was the prettiest woman in all of Troy Alabama and since she eloped with that traveling salesman a few years ago the town hasn’t been the same.
TOPPERS 28-24

Wyoming at Boise State
You know what you say when a cowboy falls off his horse?
Cowboy Down!
BRONCO’S 56-10

Nevada at Utah State
The Wolf Pack are going to have their paws full of the Aggies in this one
PACK of WOLVES 38-34

Oregon State at Oregon
This game is called “The Civil War” and it’s played for the Platypus trophy
Make no mistake about it, there is nothing “Civil” about this rivalry.
(I hope like hell I am wrong here)
QUACKS 38-24

Virginia Tech at Virginia
This game in the Commonwealth of Virginia is played for “The Commonwealth Cup”
It’s Thanksgiving, time to go with the Turkeys
FIGHTING GOBBLERS 21-17

Penn State at Wisconsin
The Lions aren’t out of the Big Ten (or Fourteen whatever) Title picture yet
This one will be close, real close….
BUCKY the BADGER 28-17

Texas Tech at Baylor
I have feeling this game is going to be uglier than your Aunt Edna’s Ten Bean Casserole
BEARS 43-17

Florida International at Middle Tennessee State
Thus one might be close, until the Hilton Panther breaks it open
HILTON PANTHERS 33-28

Purdue at Indiana
Ah another Big Ten (or Twenty Four) Rivalry game….
This one is played for the “Old Oaken Bucket”
As opposed to the “keeping it green” mulch monkey recycled bucket
Those are two completely different Trophy’s
BOILERMAKERS 21-17

Illinois at Minnesota
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Call it a feeling…
O’ SO Very GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-24

Duke at North Carolina
This Rivalry on Tobacco Road is played for the “Victory Bell”
And it will stay with the Tar Heels until Hell Freezes Over..
TAR HEELS 34-24

Vanderbilt at Wake Forest
I’m in an “Upset” kind of a mood….
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
COMMODORES 21- 17

East Carolina at Marshall
When these two teams meet it takes me back to November 14 1970…
The day of the Marshall plane crash…..
I haven’t forgotten it; I know the fine people of Huntington haven’t either
This pick is for them….
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-24

Missouri at Kansas
This game has been a Border War since before the Civil War….
The Kansas “red legs” against the Quantrill’s Raiders….
This “game” is a Border War and it’s played for the Indian War Drum and the Lamar Hunt Trophy. I’m a James – Younger Man
MO’S TIGERS 43-10

Memphis at Southern Miss
This game is called the “Black and Blue Bowl”
I think the Tigers will leave this game “All Shook Up”
Thank you, Thank you very much..
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-10

UAB at Florida Atlantic
You don’t have to remind me that the Blazers won last week or that the Owls aren’t playing worth a Hoot. This one is a toss up…
HOOT OWLS 24-17

New Mexico State at Louisiana Tech
I talked this week with Lasso Larry about this game….
He watched a film and the Tech Bulldog mascot happened to be “cleaning” himself
Larry said…..”I sure wish I could do that”
That’s when I said…
“That dog will bite the Hell out of you if you try that!”
BULLDOGS 34-24

Air Force at Colorado State
This Rocky Mountain Rivalry is played for the coveted “Ram-Falcon Trophy”
Aim High…..
MIGHTY FALCONS 28-24

Florida State at Florida
This bitter rivalry is called “The Sunshine Showdown”
It’s going to be ugly
MIGHTY GATORS 24-23

Ole Miss at Mississippi State
Outside the Iron Bowl I can think of no rivalry in college football as hateful as this one
“The Egg Bowl” for the “Golden Egg Trophy”
Houston leaves Oxford with Egg on his face.
BULLY DOGS 33-10

Washington State at Washington
This rivalry in the Great Northwest is played for “The Apple Cup”
Yeah I don’t care either…
HUSKIES 21-17

Clemson at South Carolina
The Battle of the Palmetto State for the Hardee’s Trophy
Or to put it another way….
“The I Hate Your Guts Bowl”
DABO’S TIGERS 38-17

Iowa State at Oklahoma
I bet the Sooners are glad this game isn’t played in Ames Iowa under the lights
It will still be closer than OU might think…
BOOMER SOONER 34-24

Notre Dame at Stanford
This “big” rivalry game is played for the “Legend’s Trophy”
Don’t feel bad, I don’t care either
CARDINAL 28-24

Louisiana Lafayette at Arizona
I’m sorry, I am still laughing about Arizona hiring Rich Rod….
WILDCATS 17-7

San Jose State at Fresno State
This rivalry game in the land of outrageous property taxes and illegal aliens is called..
“The Fresno State – San Jose State Rivalry Game”
How original…
BULLDOGS 28-24

UCLA at Southern California
This game in the land of Gang Violence and Media Whores is called….
“The Cross Town Showdown” and it’s played for the “Victory Bell”
Yippee Zima for Everybody!
LAME TROJANS 38-21

San Diego State at UNLV
I really don’t care it’s almost time for the Iron Bowl
ANCIENT AZTECS 38-13

Alabama at Auburn
The Great Keith Jackson the voice of College Football (Amen…)
Said this…
“In College Football, there are rivalries and there are rivalries and then…
There is Alabama and Auburn”
This is the Iron Bowl and there is nothing more important.
CRIMSON TIDE 28-17

Tulane at Hawaii
I better still be celebrating when this game comes on at Midnight on TBS….
WARRIORS electric sliding on RAINBOWS 49-10

Enjoy Your Games….
Happy Thanksgiving to you all

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

We are only a week away from Thanksgiving…….

And as we all know that is a special time to be thankful for all that we have, like the hate and animosity that comes with the college football rivalries on the menu the next two weeks.

Ever since the Pilgrims played the Indians to a tie on Plymouth Rock, Thanksgiving is about the cornucopia of college football and the intense rivalries that go with it, that and seeing all the obnoxious relatives that you try and avoid the rest of the year.

We have a lot to discuss, so prepare to get your mean on….

Enjoy your Picks…..

POST WEEKEND REPLAY

Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was Luckier than Andrew but not by much with a 43 and 21 record or 67% (Ouch)

That leaves the CFB Wizard at 588 and 164 or 78% after 11 weeks of college football.

I will be doing a Willie Nelson this week in hopes that my average will take a climb.
And just for the record, by doing a “Willie Nelson”, that does not mean that I will be riding around in a tour bus smoking marijuana, writing music and eating Cheetos.

It means that I am “On The Road Again” and as a side note, I don’t like Cheetos.

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC country!!!

High School football is about as exciting as it gets down here in small town South Georgia on a Friday night. Add to it a little playoff anticipation and folks are just chomping at the bit to get to their local stadiums and cheer the hometown boys to victory and the night is electric. The sights, sounds, and smells wafting over these hallowed football fields make this a special time of the year. I made the short trip down Highway 280 to Rochelle, Georgia to watch the Region 2-A powerhouse Wilcox County Patriots take on the visiting Calhoun Cougars who made the long trip from Edison, Georgia on the other side of Albany, in the first round of the Class A playoffs. The visiting Cats were sporting a 4-7 overall record, while the homestanding Pats were undefeated going into this important game. The Pats scored early and often as they trounced the felines 39-6 in a game that got away from the visitors almost as soon as it started. Quarterback Makail Grace was 10 of 14 for 213 yards in the passing department in just under 2 quarters of play, including a 49 yard pass on the first play from scrimmage to set up Wilcox’s first touchdown. Big Willie Brown carried the mail for the Patriots with 90 bruising yards on 18 carries and elusive Milton Jackson hauled in 3 Touchdown passes and racked up 175 receiving yards on only 6 receptions. This was 2-A football at its finest. The hot Pats now take on the Aquinas Fighting Irish from the Augusta area next week in the Sweet Sixteen round of the playoffs in their quest to take home the trophy.

Congratulations are in order for the Georgia Bulldogs moved another step closer to winning the SEC East with a convincing win over the hapless Tigers from Auburn by a score of 45-7. The Red Clay hounds won in convincing fashion to post their 8th victory in a row on the season. Aaron Murray tossed 4 touchdown passes and broke former Bulldog Mathew Staffords TD record to send the defending National Champions home, declawed and demoralized. You wouldn’t have known this was the Deep South’s oldest rivalry as the hapless felines didn’t even show their claws in a humiliating 35-7 first half as the Cow College scored on 4 of its first 5 possessions and never looked back. The only scoring the Kittens could muster was on a bit of trickeration, which tied the game at 7 early. But, afterward, it was a good, old fashioned trip to the barn for the Barners as the Hounds showed no mercy en-route to a shellacking of their inter state rival, no doubt payback for last years near brawl. Next up for the Dogs are the domesticated house cats from Lexington in a game in which the Dawgs will certainly want to seal the deal to take claim the SEC East title.

On Thursday night in Hot’lanta, the homestanding Bees got buzzed by the Turkeys from Virginia by a 37-26 score. The Slide Rule Jocks couldn’t hold a second half lead and lost any chance of winning the ACC with the loss. The defense was shredded by the Hokies who had over 250 yards rushing. The offense put together some drives but couldn’t sustain momentum as the game slipped out of their grasp. The Jackets take on Duke next week in North Carolina and will try to right the ship after this forgettable night.

The high flying Eagles from Statesboro flew to Spartanburg for an important Southern Conference showdown with a feisty Terrier team from Wofford. However, after the final gun sounded, these birds had thoroughly dominated these toy pups to the tune of 31-10 and captured the SoCon Crown outright. The 9-1 Eagles’ Jaybo Shaw rushed for 3 TD’s and threw a 21 yard scoring strike as a close game and any hope for the Pooches quickly evaporated in the second half. It was evident that the Erk’s Eagles weren’t looking ahead to next weeks huge game against another team you may have heard of….. The Alabama Crimson Tide.

I’m gonna skip the rest of the games inside and outside the conference and get right to the Peach State Prognostication. Seems the Missus has had plenty of “honey-do’s” for me this week and I’m gonna have to get right down to what’s important. That being, what would happen if the “Good Old Fashioned Hate” game were played this week. After the Turkeys laid an egg on Tech and the Cow College grabbed a Tiger by the tail, I’m now a firm believer. The Canines showed me something this weekend in thoroughly humiliating the Plainsmen. The Wreck showed me that not only are they not ready for prime time, I don’t think they’re ready for a big game weekend after next. So here it is, 42-17 in favor of the Flagship University of the Great State of Georgia. The Crystal ball is clearing up, so barring a miracle; I don’t see much in the way of change by the time Turkey Day weekend rolls around. Sorry, Bees.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Sir-

My name is the Right Reverend Jeremiah Kwami Shabazz and I represent all people of color here in the great state of Georgia.
We in the minority community have endured the disparaging characterizations and remarks of the White community for over 200 years, but an indignation of untold proportions has occurred which I feel has permanently damaged the enduring spirit of my brothers and sisters.
Yes, here in Atlanta, in the year 2011, the supposedly prestigious Georgia Institute of Technology has imparted the most racist event since slavery on my people.
There is no excuse for this University conducting a “White Out” at a sporting event in downtown Atlanta. If you do not know, Grant Field is directly across from the poverty stricken, public housing project known as Techwood Homes.
Residents were visibly shaken as the so-called “fans”, if that is what they call themselves, paraded up and down North Avenue in all white attire and face paint and shouting incessantly before and after the football game.
Appalling falls far short of the adjective I would use to describe this tasteless event. What’s next, a halftime cross burning? I beseech you to use your good name and reputation to warn other schools of the error of holding events such as this.

The Right Reverend Jeremiah Kwami Shabazz
Ebeneezer Kingdom of Hope and Change Baptist Church
Atlanta, Georgia

A: Reverend I am at a loss for words…..
Other than to say the Friday after Thanksgiving is known as “Black Friday”, and I hope that you will find solace and comfort in a day…..
when we can all come together to get good deals on a variety of electronics and video games.

Q: Dear Wizard Man –

My name is Feldman Felder and I used to be a purty big time high school quarterback up here in Knoxville.
I mean I’m a real gunslangin fella with a arm that could flling a ball over tha Empire State Building. I’m also a Freshman here at good old Tenn’ssee.

Well, I guess ya’ll heard tha story bout Coach Dooley callin my buddy Derrick on Saturdee afternoon to come in and kick against Middle Tenn’see cause our other kickers got some aches and pain.

Well, let me tell you something I bet you don’t know.
He called me too. He said that if his quarterbacks got any worse he was gonna go ahead and throw me in tha game cause I couldn’t do any worse than the first two guys.
Well, let me tell you, I was proud as a peacock about getting to go up there to that stadium for the game instead of working my part time job.
So, I jumped up from the couch and tried to sober up real quick and beat feat up to the game. I’ll bet you don’t know who else Coach called, do you?
Yep, none other than that fella Houston Nutt. Says ole Houston couldn’t do no worse than his assistants and that he might as well give him another shot at losin more SEC games. So, watch out Mr Wizard, Look out for me next Saturday. I might get my big shot and I want YOU to see it!!!

Feldman Felder – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: Thank you for the email Feldman; we will all anxiously await your moment in the sun as well as the day folks in Knoxville discover “Spell Check”.

Q: Dear Wizard

I got me a hamster named “Hans Solo” (we is all BIG Star War fans in my family)
And that boy can flat pick him some football games!
We also got us a Guinea Pig named “R2D2” but he couldn’t find his furry butt with a flashlight.
Never mind about him, we was a writing to see if you wanted to use Hans Solo as kind of a “Guest Picker” on your column.
Let us know and we will send you a picture of him in his little Hans Solo uniform and forward his picks of the week on to you, what do you say Wizard?
May the Force Be With You

Dale and Deloris – Auburn, Alabama

A: The day I have to depend on an Auburn Fan’s Hamster to make my picks will be the day I retire from this column, but just in case I am keeping your phone number.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

ESPN: You have shown us so many pictures of Joe Pa’s house I feel like I have been there…
Seriously, can’t you just leave Joe and his wife alone?
Haven’t they been punished enough already?

PENN STATE: I just have to ask……

So if an older woman is chasing a younger man she is called a “Cougar” right?

Does that mean an older man chasing a younger boy makes him a Nittany Lion?

I’m just asking….

DELTA STATE: The Fighting Okra got fried themselves last week and now the Division II College Football playoffs are wide open.
The Okra better get it together or they will find themselves stewed by the competition.

COLORADO: For all you weather watchers out there…..
It’s True, Hell has indeed frozen over; the Buffalos actually won a home game.

BOISE STATE: I remember reading something from Boise last week…….
How the Southeastern Conference “wasn’t that good” and how much better the Bronco’s were than any of the teams in the Southeastern Conference, to include LSU, Alabama and Arkansas.

The article went on to say that Boise State was “The Best Team” in the country and that they were being slighted by the voters and the BCS committee.

But even with some “very” favorable calls at the end of last week’s game you still couldn’t beat the Horned Frogs on the Blue Turf, so I have to ask; How does that Crow taste this week?

TEXAS: Five points. Five points is all you could muster against MO’s Tigers.
I don’t know whether to be hurt or ashamed.

KENTUCKY: I don’t get it……
The Wildcat Basketball team is ranked Number 2 in the country and their football team is at the opposite of the scale, so what’s really going on?

AUBURN: How is all that “Highest Paid Coaches and Assistant Coaches in College Football” thing working out for you?

OLE MISS: There is one thing you can hang on to this season Rebel Bear Fans….
You have lost most of your games, but you haven’t lost a party.

Congratulations, I think

STANFORD: I am sorry…..
What were you all and the “national” sports media saying about Andrew Luck being “The Greatest Quarterback to ever play College Football”?

I was laughing too hard to hear you, would you mind repeating that again for me?

FLORIDA STATE: The Atlantic Coast Conference referees did everything in their power to keep the Hurricanes in the game in the fourth quarter and you still prevailed.

Congratulations and one other thing….

The SEC wants their referees back, we can’t have another conference with umpires more jacked up than ours, it sends the wrong message, you understand.

THE GAMES

Tuesday November 15th

Ball State at Northern Illinois
I think this one will be high scoring Barn Burner, Just a guess….
SHAGGY DOGS 41-38

Wednesday November 16th

Ohio at Bowling Green
In this Battle of Buckeyes I am going with Frank’s Cats in a close one…
As one would expect…
FRANK’S CATS 29-28

Western Michigan at Miami (OH)
I don’t know about this one, it’s a toss up….
So I will just have to rely on “Prognosticators Intuition” on this game
BRONCO’S 24-21

Thursday November 17th

Marshall at Memphis
I am not sure but I think Elvis has left the building….
WE ARE MARSHALL 28-17

Southern Miss at UAB
The Mighty Golden Eagles are on an eight game winning streak and the Blazers are on an incredible “not game winning streak”, so there you have it.
MIGHTY GOLDEN EAGLES 38-14

North Carolina at Virginia Tech
We are far to close to Thanksgiving to go against the Fighting Gobblers
HOKEY POKEY 28-17

Friday November 18th

Oklahoma State at Iowa State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You do know I’m kidding right?
COWBOY UP! 53-21

Toledo at Central Michigan
This big game in the something or another conference is going to decide “something” really important that few of us actually care anything about.
RICKEY ROCKET 31-28

Saturday November 19th

Citadel at South Carolina
O’ Yeah this one will be “really” close…..
GAMECOCKS 38-6

Minnesota at Northwestern
I have a feeling in this one; I just hope the “feeling” I have wasn’t caused from ill prepared Mexican Food on dollar margarita night.
O’ SO VERY GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-17

Wisconsin at Illinois
Heads of Cheese and Pumpkins O’ Fighting….
Ah Thanksgiving, one of my favorite times of the year…
BUCKEY BADGER 43-24

Nebraska at Michigan
The Wolverines should have seen enough horror movies by now to know what happens when you mess with the Children of the Corn, (Spoiler Alert!) It doesn’t end well.
CHILDREN of the CORN 31-17

Kansas at Texas A&M
This game is going to be uglier than Aunt Edna’s Ten Bean Casserole.
And for the record there is no known intestinal defense involved in that contest either.
GIG EM AGGIES 43-28

Kentucky at Georgia
I don’t know what it is about a football that seems to confuse the folks in Bluegrass Country….
Is it the pointed ends? Because when you round that football out, the Wildcats are hard to stop.
I don’t get it….
SIC EM DAWGS 43-10

Samford at Auburn
Mmmmmmmmmmmm Cupcakes….
WAR DAMN EAGLE 43-0

Army at Temple
I think the Black Knights of the Hudson will overlook the Hooters in preparing for the Mighty Midshipmen, it’s just a guess….
HOOT OWLS 28-24

Furman at Florida
I know Furry Man has had a decent season, but he is no Swamp Thing.
GATOR CHOMP 38-10

Charleston Southern at Presbyterian
Buccaneers and Blue Ho’s in this Carolina Collision….
It should be a good one….
BLUE HO’S 34-24

Eastern Michigan at Kent State
The Flash continues to baffle me this season….
In games they should win, they lose…
In games they should lose they win….
Here we go again
FLASHES of GOLD 24-21

South Dakota at North Dakota
There will be a whole lot of Dakota in this game, but there is only one….
FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-28

Alcorn State at Jackson State
Alcorn better be Brave if they are lining up against the mighty Tigers of Jackson…
Not that it will spare them from a butt whipping, because it’s coming..
WALTER’S TIGERS 34-17

New Mexico at Wyoming
I am going to do something I haven’t done all season….
“No” not Hula-Hoop while I make my weekly selections (That was last week)
I am picking the Cowboys….
COWBOY UP! 38-34

Georgia Southern at Alabama
The Eagles are one of the Best Teams in the Country and that’s a just a fact…
This game will be closer than you might think.
CRIMSON TIDE 28-17

Wofford at Chattanooga
My Black Lab “Doc” really likes Woof Woof Ford…..
For reasons that I am not quite sure of….
CHOO-CHOO MOCS 28-21

North Dakota State at Western Illinois
The Leathernecks let me down last week on all things, the Marine Corps Birthday…
They may have “overindulged” during the Birthday celebration; it happens.
THUNDERING BISONS 28-27

Montana at Montana State
This rivalry in Big Sky Country is chocked full of hatred and hard feelings….
It’s called “The Brawl of the Wild” and it’s played for “The Great Divide Trophy”
It’s going to be both a “Brawl” and “Wild”, I am going upset in this one…
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 28-23

Tulsa at UTEP
The Miners are playing more like Mimes and the Hurricanes are picking up steam…
O’ SO Very GOLDEN HURRICANES 43-38

Southern Methodist at Houston
The Mighty Mustangs will keep this game interesting…..
Very Interesting….
COUGARS 38-34

Colorado State at Texas Christian
After last week, there is no way I am going against the Horned Amphibians…
By the way, did you all get my “Thank You” Note?
HORNED FROGS 44-17

Mississippi State at Arkansas
The Hogs better not overlook the angry Bulldogs……
It will be closer than you might think, a whole lot closer
HAWG-ZILLA’S 31-17

Penn State at Ohio State
The Lions were looking at a Big Ten (Something or another) Title just over a week ago…
Now, not so much….
BUCKEYES 24-17

Washington at Oregon State
Two things in this game….
The Huskies are playing more like the little Taco Bell dog this season….
And I am a Beaver Man….
MIGHTY BEAVERS 31-24

Tulane at Rice
This game will highlight two remarkable academic institutions….
That know absolutely nothing about the game of football.
Enjoy……
RICE CAKES 21-17

Texas Tech at Missouri
There is a “Silver Lining” in this game for the Red Raiders….
I have on good authority that with another devastating loss, the Raiders will be invited to…
“The Potted Meat Bowl” in Texarkana Arkansas…..
I like the slogan for the Bowl game; “Potted Meat, the other sweep meat”
MO’S TIGERS 43-24

Navy at San Jose State
In an effort to provide you readers with quality picks and entertainment, I recently did a Google search on San Jose and the search asked if I meant “Loser-ville”…
Enough said….
MIDSHIPMEN 31-17

Boston College at Notre Dame
This game between two Catholic Colleges is called the “Vatican Bowl” and it’s played for the Frank Leahy Memorial Bowl and the Ireland Trophy.
You know, for a game that nobody is going to watch they are giving out more prizes than the “Wheel of Fortune”
FIGHTING IRISH 35-17

Louisiana Tech at Nevada
Bulldogs and Wolves in this game….
I wonder why they didn’t name this one the “Canine Bowl”?
Sometimes I wonder to much…
WOLVES are PACKING 38-34

Utah State at Idaho
The Aggies have proven to be tough all year….
But Famous Potatoes has the “Ida Honkies”…
So enough said…
IDA MAY 28-24

UNLV at Air Force
It wouldn’t be the first time the folks from Vegas have been bombed….
It’s how they roll….
MIGHTY FALCONS 35-17

LSU at Ole Miss
This game will make you believe there should be a “Mercy Rule” in college football..
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 139-0

Central Florida at East Carolina
The Boy’s from O Town (Not the musically challenged defunct boy band)
Are in for a rude Carolina welcoming from the Pirates
Believe it…
PIRATES 38-17

Vanderbilt at Tennessee
I haven’t said this concerning this “rivalry” that really isn’t a “rivalry” in a very long time
It’s going to be close, damn close…and it could go either way.
VOWELS 28-24

Western Kentucky at North Texas
You want to know what’s a fun word to say?
MEAN GREEN 33-24

Colorado at UCLA
Have I mentioned that the Buffalos haven’t won an “away” game since William McKinley was President? I have? Well, never mind then….
BRUINS 24-14

Oklahoma at Baylor
I believe this game is going to be a wild one…..
Or as I like to refer to this type of game, “Where did the Defenses Go?”
BOOMER SOONER 44-38

Southern California at Oregon
Gosh I really wanted to watch this game…..
But I just got a new Sponge Bob Chia Pet and it MUST be watered on schedule…
You understand…
QUACKS 7-6

Kansas State at Texas
I know my beloved Longhorns are an underdog in this one….
But I simply can’t force myself to pick against them, it’s just that simple.
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 28-24

Boise State at San Diego State
Let me guess…..
After this game we will all have to listen to how “Boise is Back in the Championship Hunt!”
O’ the Humanity….
BRONCO’S 49-34

Arizona at Arizona State
This Battle in the Land of Sand and Cactus is called “The Duel in the Desert” and it’s played for the “Territorial Cup”.
Maybe it’s just me, but when I read “The Duel in the Desert” I thought I heard the theme music from one of those Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns.
It’s just me?
Great, those damn voices are in my head again….
DEVILS of the SUN 28-24

New Mexico State at Brigham Young
If the Aggies would let Lasso Larry have a foam rubber six shooter I might feel different about this pick and I will tell you why….
Have you ever tried to “rope” a cat?
That story always ends with a trip to the emergency room….
COUGARS 31-17

Fresno State at Hawaii
Believe it or not, this game is actually a “rivalry game”….
I’m serious….
It’s played for the “Golden Screwdriver”
(I’m serious so stop laughing)
And the Screwdriver of Gold goes too….
WARRIORS SCREWDRIVING on RAINBOWS 43-38

Louisville at Connecticut
I still haven’t given up on Charlie’s Cardinals, those boys are stronger than you might think.
STRONGER CARDINALS 31-17

Utah at Washington State
Ok, so Two Utes meet some cougars in a bar…..
Stop me if you have heard this one….
TWO UTES 43-28

Miami at South Florida
Another Battle in the Sunshine State and as you might expect there is a lot at stake in this game.
The winner gets one of those funny plastic hard hats with beer cans on each side and a “best of” Katrina and the Waves CD. Rock on Hurricanes, Rock on….
HURRICANES 43-24

Maryland at Wake Forest
I was going to watch this titanic matchup in the Atlantic Coast Conference but as you know by now, my new Chia Pet must be watered according to the schedule provided in the instructions and unfortunately this game conflicts with that schedule, sorry.
DEMON DEACONS 34-31

Clemson at North Carolina State
The Palmetto Showdown looms for the Tigers, but until then…..
Enjoy the tasty Wolf Pack….
DABO’S TIGERS 38-28

Georgia Tech at Duke
It was reported this week that more students at Duke “watch” Blue Devil basketball practices than attend home football games. So enough said….
YELLOW JACKETS 89-3

Cincinnati at Rutgers
Despite what my adopted Italian family in Atlantic City says….
This one will be closer than you might think and could go either way
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 28-24

Virginia at Florida State
If the Seminoles let last weeks referees hang around campus for another week then this game could be closer than you might think.
SEMINOLES 28-24

California at Stanford
This instate rivalry in the land of the fruits and the nuts is called “The Big Game” and it’s played for the “Stanford Axe”……
Yippee…
CARDINAL 6-3

Indiana at Michigan State
Based on the above “rivalry” game and subsequent “trophy”….
I can only say that if this game was played for an “axe” I believe the Loosers would get it planted between their eyes by the Spartans.
MEN of SPARTA 43-13

Akron at Buffalo
The Folks in Buffalo have weather that is almost as crappy as their football teams, but they sure do make some tasty wings.
I do enjoy ending the weekly picks on a positive note…
ZIPPY 31-17

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s Hootie Snitch!

The Number Damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!
Coming at you from the Heart of Volunteer Country in Baneberry Tennessee!

I ain’t been a writing cause I’ve been busier than a dog with two tails to chase.
I done finished up a “Christmas Special” for Dollywood called…
“Who Let the Clogs Out”

And….

I still got “Scooter’s” Bar and Grill in Baneberry and some more stuff I will tell you about later.

But we got to talk serious…..
Cause I am here to bring you the State of the Big Orange Nation Address

State of the Big Orange

If you ain’t a Tennessee Volunteer and if you and your babies don’t drool Orange then you might as well as a stop reading, cause this is all about the Big Orange Nation.

Now I know that we Vols ain’t been winning like we was when the Greatest Coach to ever win a Hot Dog Eating Contest Coach Phillip Fulmer stomped the sidelines, but that damn Lame Kitten done screwed us up when he was here and we is paying the price for that mistake.

Just look at this damn picture…..
You can tell Lame and them two idiots next to him ain’t seen the ball since kickoff.

Lame Kitten didn’t belong in Tennessee anymore than Mike Tyson belongs on “Celebrity Jeopardy” and he recruited some boys that were so dumb….
They couldn’t even spell football if you spotted them the “O’s” and the “L’s”.

I mean how damn dumb do you have to be to rob somebody in broad daylight wearing your Tennessee Vol’s practice uniform? At least Coach Fulmer had the good sense to tell them boys to wear a ski mask.

And that damn Athletic Director we had Mike Hamilton, I could have told you not to trust that goober pea. Never trust a man that looks like a Possum. Every time I seen him on the television he was always acting like he was a hunting a sweet potato, know what I mean?

We now got everything in place; we got us a good football coach and a good athletic director.

Remember, Rome Georgia wasn’t built in a day.

And let me tell, we just ain’t been bit by the “injury bug” this year, it’s been a damn plague.
It’s been so damn bad…..
Coach Dooley had to call some fraternity houses on campus last week to get a damn kicker.

So we Vols have had our selves a mountain to climb this year.

But let me tell you something and listen good.

Although me and that damn CFB Wizard don’t see eye to eye on the college football…
Or anything else for that matter.
I got to admit that ole boy is right about one thing.

We ain’t had no arrests this year of any Tennessee football players, not one.

I can’t remember the last time we didn’t have something going on with the Knoxville PD, the Knoxville Fire Department, the Tennessee Highway Patrol, DEA, ATF or the Coast Guard.

Can you?

Which goes to show you that Coach Dooley ain’t putting up with that kind of foolishness.

And I for one am glad and you should be too.

So let’s be patient Big Orange Fans

And let me say a few more things, about yawl that is frustrated and raising ten kinds of Hell about this football season getting liquored up in “Scooter’s” which is my Bar in Grill right here in Baneberry Tennessee.

Show your Tennessee Volunteer Big Orange Spirit!

To show my Volunteer Pride me and my bride (The former Miss Thelma Stroderback who is a hand model for the East Tennessee Tractor Supply and Fertilizer Store, jealous?) went and done decorated our house, hell yeah we done it! And we went whole Hog; we matched the truck with the house, that’s cool as hell ain’t it?

I will tell you something else. The Coaches we got now ain’t just cleaning up the football program, they is cleaning up the football players too.

Don’t you start a laughing about this neither, have you ever been around some ole sweating fellow that’s been a working and a sweating all day? It smells like my Mother-in-laws Tuna Noodle Helper Spam Loaf Casserole, which she is supposed to bring over for Thanksgiving this year.
I could damn near throw up just a thinking about it.

So let’s get behind the Big Orange this year Volunteer Fans, there is plenty of football left to be played and if we win the rest of the games we is going Bowling!

It’s like the sign in the Volunteer locker room says….

BELIEVE IT!

GO VOLS!

Hootie-Out!

Forgive me for a moment….

My friends I am beginning to feel a little old….
Not that I think I am …
Far from it….

But unfortunately I can see it from where I am….
But that’s not the point of this story…

Last week I received a letter from one of the high schools I attended…
No point in going through all that here…
But if you’re keeping count the number is six (6) different high schools
In three (3) different states

EDITORS NOTE: It’s a long story and not important to discuss here.
It has more to do with a “checkered” background than it does with anything else…
And before you ask….

Yes I graduated on time, it’s not like I was 24 when I graduated…
Which by the way…
In Tennessee is considered a “genius”…

The letter in question was from a high school I attended once and they wanted me to attend a particular home game this season (in the old home stadium) were they “expect” an old football record, or soon to be old record of mine to fall to a current student athlete.

Don’t get me wrong…
It’s not like I am Roger Maris or Mickey Mantle and any of my records can’t be broken…
Not that I feel theirs have been legitimately broken…
But that is another story for another time..

But it’s not about some record..
I am not that vain….

Because rules like records are meant to be broken…

And not that I have thought much about it
I don’t get back to that particular town very often…

I wish I could…
I owe them…..
The people in that little town loved a poor kid that didn’t have anything but a dream…
And they cheered for him…
Like it was their job….
I will never forget it…

Sure….
I have had other records broken over time….
And I have attended those events with friends and former players, because I feel it’s important to pass the torch and let that person know they have accomplished something important.
On an occasion they even let me present the ball to the player that broke a particular record

But this one hit me a little different…

Not that I begrudge the young man…
I don’t….
He had to have worked hard for it…
I know his momma and daddy have to be proud..
I am proud for him….

It’s that the “invitation” wanted to know….
If I needed “any assistance” getting to the stadium or needed…
a…
Wheel chair…
Or..
“Special assistance”…

Maybe I am being too sensitive about this….
But I am checking that states current rules for eligibility….

I still have a hundred yard game left in me….
I promise you that…

Now where is that Geritol….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

There are a lot of “unwritten rules” in life….
For example…
Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time
If you are a guy, don’t be caught putting on chapstick in the Men’s Room at a Biker bar

They are simple things, but some people need to be reminded occasionally.

We all love the passion and pageantry of college football.

We love our universities and have pride in their accomplishments.

And you can never be too young or too old to enjoy the college football experience.

However…

It needs to be stated…
If you are a college student or maybe in your early twenties, fresh out of college and you decide to attend a college football game and dress like the picture below for a game, it’s a wonderful thing. I fully support that kind of enthusiasm.

But if you are in your thirties, forties, fifties and beyond and you decide to “paint yourself up” for a game and bring stage props etc, well then, it’s just creepy. Not to mention, you end up looking like a registered sex offender that has somehow escaped out of his (or her) ankle bracelet

Consider this your “Unwritten Rule of the Week” Public Service Announcement
And as a side note: If you are a guy that looks like an Al Hirt impersonator….

Don’t drive a car with a license tag that says “DREAM GRL”, it sends the wrong message.

I still can’t believe I raced up to that car just to see that….I feel so dirty.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Being this close to Halloween I would have to say last week was more “Tricks” than “Treats” particularly if you were a Wisconsin Badger or an Oklahoma Sooner.

Those folks must feel like Charlie Brown with a Halloween sack full of rocks.

I know the feeling….

Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 49 and 14 or 78%
(I know, I’m upset about it myself)

That leaves me at 449 and 107 or 81% after Eight Weeks of College Football.

Enough about me…

We have a lot to discuss this week, so let’s get to it

Enjoy your Picks…..

COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAY OF THE WEEK

A loyal reader sent this request in for the “Play of the Week” and added….

“Thank you Michigan State. Love the Tiger from Clemson”

If you haven’t seen this one, then you don’t know what you missed.

Enjoy the replay…

Click here to view the embedded video.

HALLOWEEN SAFETY TIP

My friends Halloween is right around the corner and unfortunately this happy occasion for the “little ones” can turn deadly if the proper precautions are not taken.

I am talking about (of course) the potential close encounter of the “ugly kind” your children could have with former University of Tennessee football coach Phil “The Pumpkin” Fulmer.

As you should know by now, this is the time of the year that the “Great Pumpkin” aka Phil Fulmer will rise out of the Pumpkin Patch and eat small to medium size children of all ages.

There is no need to fear….

By taking the proper precautions you can eliminate any potential problems and be worry free this Halloween, while the youngsters enjoy their tasty treats given to them by complete strangers.

Parents, remember Phil Fulmer is the third largest mammal walking upright so he won’t be difficult to spot, however he is a “master of disguises” so here is what you need to look out for when you answer your door.

Anyone who comes to your door who is dressed like “Shamu” the killer whale that is also the same size as Shamu could possibly be Fat Phil the child eater.

Anyone who comes to your door or who is seen in your neighborhood appearing in a “costume” that is the same size of and resembles the State of Kansas could be the Great Pumpkin Phil Fulmer.

If you see him, do not try and subdue him yourself, he is hungry and his appetite for anything sweet is ferocious. The fact that you have been handling candy all evening could result in the loss of an arm if you attempt to stop him.

If you suspect Phil Fulmer is lurking around take these simple precautions and all will be well.

Simply yell “Roll Tide!” or “Go Gators!” and he will begin to run (or waddle as the case may be…) and then call your local Animal Control Authorities who will dart him down.

I hope you all have a very safe and enjoyable Halloween
(No need to thank me, it’s what I do)

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC country!!!

Well, our hometown heroes, the Telfair Trojans, took it on the chin again this week with a 53-7 home loss against the powerful Clinch County Panthers. Although the score doesn’t reflect the fight and grit these kids put into this game, they played their hearts out. Big Blue was led on the ground by Austin Ban who had 93 yards on the ground to go with a 97 yard run and a touchdown and on defense by Zak Pitt who had 7 tackles. The Trojans will no doubt pick themselves up and dust themselves off as they get ready to take on the Lanier County Bulldogs down in Lakeland Georgia in a big Region 2-A showdown. The Bulldogs are 3-3 in the Region and sport a 5-3 overall record. While the Blue Clad Boys dropped to 1-8 on the season, there is no doubt plenty of fight left in these kids and hope to come away with a win.

Up in Athens, the Home State Hounds took a much deserved week off and are preparing for the annual showdown in Jacksonville, Fl against the hated reptiles from Gainesville. This is a much anticipated matchup in which the Red Clay Dogs are sporting a 5 game winning streak and hope to take momentum and Lady Luck with them to the River City to send the Gators back to the Swamp smarting from a sound beating. The Georgians are more than eager to avenge some bittersweet moments at the event know as “The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party” and partake of a champagne celebration. Mark Richt, who has been feeling a little discomfort this season, could quell a lot of dissent among the Bulldog Nation with a win, so there’s plenty of motivation on the coaching staff to have a good showing.

Speaking of good showings, the North Avenue Trade School didn’t quite calculate the outcome of their debacle down in Coral Gables. The Bumble Bees pretty much bumbled along on offense all day as they came out on the short end of a 24-7 score which gave them 2 straight losses. This isn’t the “U” of Irvin and Sapp folks. This Hurri-chain-gang team is just trying to get back to respectability and pretty much dis-respected the Jackets as they held them to season lows in numerous offensive categories. Next up for the Wreck is Clemson. Yes, that was an intentional metaphorical statement because the way the Tigers have been playing, this team won’t make it back down I-85 without getting some major engine and body work done on them after this game.

And over in Statesboro at the House that Erk Built, the undefeated Eagles of Georgia Southern maintained their hold on the number 1 ranking in FCS football with a sacrilegious ritual thrashing of the Presbyterian Blue Hose. The resident denizens of “The Prettiest Little Stadium in America” erupted for 31 points in the 2nd quarter as they tore through these Sad Stockings like a porcupine through a pair of grandma’s panty hose in the 41-14 win. The next stop for GSU is a trip North to Happ Brewer Stadium to take on arch rival Appalachian State. There is no love lost here as the Mountaineers will be looking to avenge last year’s 21-14 Overtime loss to the Eagles to bring their tenure as the number 1 FCS team in the country to an end.

Over in T-town, the Tide turned back the Tennessee Coon-skinners by a 37-6 score. The Red Elephants were somewhat quiet in the first half as evidenced by a 6-6 score at the half. However, Nick Saban must have had quite the pep talk at halftime as the Alabamians erupted for 31 second half points to put the game out of reach.

In Baton Rouge, the Bayou Bengals proved who really is the Big Cat in the SEC West by dominating the listless felines of Auburn by a margin of 45-10. By the time the final gun sounded you would have thought that the visiting Eagles had flown into a window as they staggered out of the stadium completely plucked. One thing this reporter noted was the subtle use of an Obama head shot poster to signal something in to the Auburn quarterback. After much head scratching, it became obvious what the signal meant: “Change” the play and “Hope” it works. It’s obviously not 2010 anymore down on the plains.

So, now we have set the tone for the Showdown in T-Town.
A Battle of Epic Proportions.
A no-hold bars death match between the two behemoths of the SEC.
Yes, it’s Alabama hosting LSU in a Game of the Century to determine SEC supremacy, and likely, who will advance to the National Championship game.
Mark Nov 5th down on your calendars ladies and gentlemen.
Both teams have byes this week, no doubt as the Evil Genius and Mad Hatter scheme and plot for the big showdown.

Over at Clemson, SC the Dabo Swinney’s Tigers succeeded in kicking a mountain goat off of the mountain by unleashing young Tajh Boyd, Sammy Watkins, and company and taking a 59-38 win. The Baby Blue clad Heels were on a slippery slope early as the Orange Cats were comfortably on top with a 59-24 lead at the end of the 3rd period. A couple of late touchdowns made it a little more respectable but it looks to me like there’s a ticking time bomb in the Upstate of South Carolina, waiting to explode onto the BCS scene.

In the battle of the “over”rateds, the USC Trogladytes upended the Doomers from South Bend by a 31-17 score. And why do we care? Because their little rivalry game adds to the pageantry of a competitor from a lesser conference taking on a has been who the media loves to boost to lofty positions, only to have their Fannies smacked by the SEC come bowl time.

And now it’s time for the weekly Peach State Prognostication. The Dogs didn’t even play this past weekend to have a better showing than the Calculator Bandits. The Technical Institute is struggling mightily and the year end game to close out the season looks like it could turn into something akin to a bully taking away a playmates toy. The pendulum has clearly swung back in favor of Georgia, but there’s still a lot of football to be played between now and November 26th. I’m sure Paul Johnson is as puzzled by the latest developments but if he doesn’t right the ship, there’s going to be a train wreck on I-75. That would leave a bad taste in the mouths of Jacket fans that a chili dog and lemonade from the Varsity won’t take out. Georgia is no offensive juggernaut by a long-shot, but they’ve got enough. Georgia 35-10.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Sir,

As the governor of the Great State of West Virginia, I feel it my duty to “get the word out” and announce a change to a recently enacted law.
The law, known as the Couch Restraint Anti-burning Protocol (CRAP), was passed to try to prevent sporadic fires from sprouting up in all parts of Morgantown and other cities after wins by the prestigious University of West Virginia.

Although, we never had any casualties, we were concerned with the atmospheric emissions and foul odors by various types of sofas being set aflame. We didn’t feel that love seats or settees were as offensive as others. Sectionals were found to be the most offensive combustibles as different parts of this furniture piece could be piled on the charred remnants of pieces previously burned.

However, due to much public outcry from the citizenry of this great state, we have amended the law as long as burning is done in a responsible manner and in limited circumstances.

First, the only type of furniture that may be burned from this point on will be easy chairs, recliners, and lawn furniture. This will help eliminate the possibility of a rampant wild “sofa” fire getting out of control.

Second, lying on a sofa while it is being consumed by flames will no longer be tolerated.

Third, the above mentioned celebrations will be limited to games played against top 25 teams that result in a win of over 21 points.

This should satisfy the denizens and fans of our great football team and, if applied in a safe manner, result in a celebration worthy of the pride of the Great State of West Virginia.

Sincerely,
Earl Ray Tomblin
Governor
West Virginia.

A: Thank you for writing your Governorship

Q: DEAR MR WiZARD,

FiRST oFF SoRRy BouT All ThESE CApTAl lETTERS BuT SomEThin BAD hAppEnED To my CompuTER ThE lAST TimE I WEnT To MACDonAlDS. By ThE WAy, hAVE you EVER TRiED To TAkE onE A ThoSE DESk Top CompuTERS AnD A BiG olE moniToR AnD kEyBoARD ThAnGS in ThE BACk oF A pickup up To SomEplACE WiTh ThAT FREE WiFi STuFF? IF iT DonT GET BRokE, iTS DAnG hEAVy AS ThE DiCkEnS. WEll, WhAT hAppEnED WAS I WAS EATin my pAnCAkES AnD SyRup AnD SAW ThAT liTTlE EmA JEAn BuSTEmillER WAlk in WiTh ThiS liTTlE olD Skimpy Bikini Swimmin SuiT on AnD I DRoppED my ElBoW RiGhT on ThA EDGE A my plATE. WEll, ThAT DAnG ThAnG FlippED up AnD lAnDED RiGT on ThE SiDE A my kEyBoARD AnD EVER SinCE All ThEm DAnG BuTTonS on ThE lEFT SiDE oF iT BEEn Typin CApiTAl lETTERS EVERy TimE I WRiTE SomEThin CAuSE I CAnT GET Tha SyRup ouT. AnyWAys, I GoT mE a QuESTion AnD iTs A DooZy. Do you ThAnk ARE CoACh, MR MARk Rik iS GonnA GET FiRED AFoRE ThA EnDA ThE SEASon? Im juST WonDERin CAuSE EVERBoDy WAnTS him GonE AnD ThATD juST lEAVE BoBo and ThA DEFEnSER Guy. Well ThAT SET mE TA Thinkin BouT WhoD TAkE oVER CAuSE EVERBoDy WAnTS ThEm GonE Too!! WhATChA ThAnk MR WiZARD?

GO DAWGS!!!!!!!!!!!!
LEmuEl in LuDoWiCi

PS – CAn you Tell mE SomEWhERE I CAn GET my DAlE CompuTer FiXED. ThERES A BunChA FolkS DoWn hERE lAuGhinG AT mE SAyin ThERE AinT no SuChA ThAnG AS A DAlE AnD ThAT iTS SupposTABE A DEll. WEll DAlE iS pAinTED on hERE AS puRTy AS you please So ThEy DonT knoW WhAT ThEyS TAlkin BouT.

A: Lemuel for the love of God, get that computer fixed, this email gave me a damn headache.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

ESPN’S MARK MAY: I guess there is a first time for everything….

I actually agreed with ESPN’s Mark May last weekend when he said….

“Missouri is acting like they actually have something to offer the Southeastern Conference, they haven’t done anything in the conference they are in so why are they acting like the pretty girl at the school dance when they clearly aren’t”

ESPN’S LOU HOLTZ: The pearl of wisdom above was quickly followed by Coach Lou saying..

“I don’t care what you say Mark, today’s game between Southern California and the Fighting Irish is the biggest game of the day, they have played each other every year since 1825….”

EDITORS NOTE: What? 1825? Coach you must have that confused with the year you graduated High School but in all fairness, the above quote from Coach Lou was translated by the CFB Wizard Staff from a recording of the Game Day Studio telecast. So a mistake on “our” part is “possible” here. After all the original recording of Coach Lou sounded like this….

“I don’t sssshhhhhhhhhhhh whatsssssssss you shayssssssssss todayssssssssss (tremendous spitting sound) the (inaudible sound) between the ssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhouthern Californiassssssssss Trojanss (repetitive spitting sounds) and the Fighting Irishhhhhhhhhhhhhsssssssss (gurgling spitting sounds) biggestss game day played (inaudible sound) sishhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (inaudible sound) 1825”

This of course was followed by Mark May’s voice in the background saying…
“Will someone please get me a towel Coach spit on me again!”

ILLINOIS: It’s too damn close to Halloween for the Fighting Pumpkins to be losing.

What the hell is going on up there?

UAB: If you all haven’t done so already…..

Get your winter coats out; Hell has indeed frozen over……

The Blazers won a game last week

THE BIG EAST: It’s official the Big East Conference is openly recruiting Schools from around the country to join their conference, their “recruiting poster” is popping up everywhere and it is very catchy, don’t you think?

I found this one in my mailbox attached to a Hardee’s Flyer…..

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I don’t give a Shillelagh that you won some damn crooked stick

CARSON NEWMAN: I never thought I would say this….

There is no Spark left in this year’s once Mighty Eagles

TEXAS TECH: Last week I wrote….

“So Red Raider fans…..
How do you like that Coach Tommy Tub now?
If he is a “defensive genius” then I’m a Polish Astronaut”

I am now legally changing my name to Buzz O’Branowitz

Congratulations Red Raiders….

DELTA STATE: Congratulations to the Mighty Fighting Okra for frying the Blazers of Valdosta State last week to remain the Number One Team in Division II College Football.

ESPN COLLEGE GAME DAY: This past Saturday was Coach Lee Corso’s 200th Head Gear Pick on College Game Day. Win or Lose Coach, we love you and Saturday’s wouldn’t be the same without you.

DELAWARE: You lost to Rhode Island last week….

Those damn people don’t live on an island so you lost to a bunch of liars, I hope you are happy

TENNESSEE: This prognostication has nothing to do with last week’s game….

Next year’s game between the Tennessee Volunteers and the Florida Gators…

Will determine who will win the SEC Eastern Division….Believe it.

SOUTHERN MISS: I should never have gone against the Golden Eagles in Hattiesburg….

Even if they were playing the Mighty Mustangs.

Great win Eagles….

OKLAHOMA: Oops…………

WISCONSIN: Badgers please see “Oklahoma” above and add “Damn It”

HASKELL INDIAN NATIONS UNIVERSITY: The Indians of Haskell Indian Nations University are having a tough season and currently haven’t won a game this year.

But in Haskell Memorial Stadium in Lawrence Kansas I hear the footsteps of Legends.

On that natural grass field the Greatest Athlete the World has ever seen used to run…

Before he went to Carlisle Indian School in Carlisle Pennsylvania

It was the Home to The Great Jim Thorpe

I can’t forget it and I hope they don’t either

THE GAMES

Wednesday October 26th

Connecticut at Pittsburgh
I have a “good feeling” about this one
Call it Prognosticators Intuition.
PANTHERS 35-20

Thursday October 27th

Rice at Houston
This Rivalry in the Great City of Houston is a Big One
It’s played for the “Bayou Bucket”
This one is easy
MIGHTY COUGARS 55-10

North Alabama at West Alabama
This clash in Alabama is between two teams trying to claw their way back to the top.
Another loss by either of these teams and they won’t make the Division II Playoffs.
This game is THAT Important
FLORENCE LIONS 33-21

Virginia at Miami
The Hurricanes have proven they still have some wind left in their sails and the Cavaliers are picking up speed. It should be a good one…
HURRICANES 28-24

Friday October 28th

Brigham Young at Texas Christian
The Cougars will get skinned in Cow Town, Believe it
HORNED FROGS 43-17

Saturday October 29th

UAB at Marshall
Can the Blazers win “two” games in a row?
I have three words for you…
WE ARE MARSHALL 34-17

North Carolina State at Florida State
It is physically impossible for a pack of wolves to outrun Chief Osceola on Horseback.
I know this because I saw it on the History Channel, so it has to be true.
SEMINOLES 38-17

Purdue at Michigan
I love these Big Ten (or Twelve) Rivalries, don’t you?
This one is played for the coveted “Hagfish Trophy”
Which interestingly enough, was inspired by and designed after seeing former Michigan Wolverine Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita” in a swimsuit.
WOLVERINES 38-14

Drake at Marist
That Drake Boy can talk all the smack he wants to about this game.
It doesn’t change the fact that Marist is a real Fox
RED FOXES 28-20

Juniata at McDaniel
It’s a sad world we live in when Ronald McDonald’s half brother McDaniel would rather mess with Juanita than try and help his half brother catch the Ham Burglar.
J-LO 24-17

Northwestern at Indiana
I can’t get enough of these Big Ten or whatever Rivalries.
This one is played each year for the prestigious “Catfish Bucket” signifying between these two bottom feeders of their conference which team doesn’t suck as bad as the other team.
WILDCATS 24-17

Central Michigan at Akron
I can’t wait to see this game!
I have never seen a Chippewa ride Rocket and before you ask…
“Yes” I am that easily amused
RICKEY ROCKET 33-28

Syracuse at Louisville
Otto laid the Orange on the Mountaineer’s last week and the Cardinal’s shocked the Jersey Boys
I am going for the upset in this one
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!
STRONGER CARDINAL’S 24-21

Arkansas at Vanderbilt
The Commodores will get sunk by the Hungry Hogs in Music City.
HAWGZILLA’S 43-17

Virginia Tech at Duke
Last night the Blue Devils cancelled their pep rally for this game due to lack of interest.
Enough Said…
HOKEY POKEYS 33-10

Alabama A&M and Alabama State
Legion Field Birmingham Alabama
This Alabama Rivalry is called the “The Magic City Classic”
And it always lives up to the name and the hype
This game is the Biggest one yet, one team is number one and the other team is in the top 5…
This one is going to be close, real close
HORNETS 28-24

Salve Regina at Plymouth State
The Yugoslavian beauty took down the Mississippi Institute of Technology last week…
I am betting she still has enough spunk left to take care the Plymouth Boys..
Do they even make Plymouth’s anymore?
SWEET SALVE 31-17

Bowling Green at Kent State
This Rivalry in the Buckeye State honors the state highways separating the two universities.
It’s played for the “Chuck Hole Award” sponsored by the Ohio Department of Transportation
FALCONS 28-24

Virginia Military Academy at Citadel
This rivalry between two military colleges has been played every year since 1920….
It’s called “The Military Classic of the South” and it’s played for “the Silver Shako”
I have a question….
Why in the world would they want to play for a bait fish?
KEYDETS 21-17

Furman at Chattanooga
In case you didn’t know…..
Chattanooga is the Home of the Moon Pie
That’s good enough for me here
MIGHTY MOC’S 34-28

Ball State at Western Michigan
The Bronco’s are fading fast and the Cardinal’s won’t quit.
This one will still be closer than you might think
CARDINAL’S 33-31

Murray State at Eastern Kentucky
I have never liked the Colonels from Eastern and I’m not about to start now.
PACERS 31-17

Air Force at New Mexico
I don’t know what has happened to these two teams
The United States Air Force has been dropping duds and the Lobos are playing like Hobos
This one is a toss-up
FALCONS 24-17

Idaho State at Montana State
The “Ben Gals” have “Been Gone” since the season kicked off…
BOBCATS 38-14

Boston College at Maryland
I would watch this game but watching Maryland’s Fighting Linoleum Kitchen Tiles uniforms on the big screen gives me vertigo, sorry….
LINOLEUM TILE TURTLES 28-24

Georgia Southern at Appalachian State
The Eagles of Southern maintain their Number 1 ranking after this game, but just by the hair of their chinny chin chins.
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-31

EDITORS NOTE: The “Chinny Chin Chin” comment above was not intended as a reference to any Asian peoples living or deceased or any characters from the wildly popular television program “Kung Fu” So don’t send me any nasty emails or I will pluck the pebble out of your hand Grasshopper.

Susquehanna at Franklin Marshall
I don’t think Frank knows what he is getting into here….
Susie just got her hair done at the Beauty Parlor
You don’t mess with a woman after she just got her hair done, even I know that
SUSIE Q 24-21

Washington State at Oregon
How can I but this gently?
The Cougars suck more than a Hoover Nuclear Vacuum Cleaner
Sorry, that’s as gentle as I know how to say it.
QUACKS 156-3

Weber State at Montana
I sincerely believe the Folks at Weber Grills make the best Outdoor Grills on the Planet.
And I am thrilled that they have their own college….
But that of course has nothing what so ever to do with this game.
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 43-10

Navy at Notre Dame
I would watch this game on NBC, which of course stands for “Nothing But Catholics” but there is a Kenny Rogers “The Gambler” marathon on TBS at the same time.
Did you ever notice Kenny gets younger looking by “The Gambler Part VII: Brady Hawkes and the Temple of Doom”? Never mind….
FIGHTING IRISH 28-17

Missouri at Texas A&M
Two teams that couldn’t spell “Defense” if you built them a Fence and gave them a “D”.
If you like offense, this is your game
GIG EM AGGIES 44-38

Baylor at Oklahoma State
You know what they say in Texas don’t you?
“It Sucks to B U”
COWBOY UP! 43-24

West Virginia at Rutgers
Neither of these teams wins when they are favored and neither of them loses when they are an underdog. But I do like to see a nice sofa on fire……
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 24-17

Southern Methodist at Tulsa
Please don’t question my logic in this one, because I have none.
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Oklahoma at Kansas State
This Game in the Big 12 (Light…) is going to separate the Contenders from the Pretenders
It’s going to be closer than you might think
BOOMER SOONERS 28-21

Wake Forest at North Carolina
This Instate Rivalry along Tobacco Road is always a Brawl, even if it doesn’t mean anything.
HEELS of TAR 28-24

Tulane at East Carolina
By the time this game comes on Kenny Rogers in “The Gambler Part XIII: Brady Hawkes and The Botox Gamble” will be on so I can’t watch it, sorry.
PIRATES 28-17

Hamline at St Olaf
In the words of that famous urban philosopher M.C. Hammer….
“It’s Hammy Time”
ST OLIES 33-13

Florida at Georgia
With all due disrespect to University of Georgia President Mike Adams…
This IS and will ALWAYS be….
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”
Don’t leave your seats, this one is going to be really close
DAWGS 28-24

Iowa at Minnesota
This Rivalry game in the Big Ten (something) is my favorite of all their Rivalry games.
It’s played for the coveted “Floyd of Rosedale” Trophy (Pictured below)

I ask you, who wouldn’t want a big ole pig trophy?
My point exactly.
HAWKEYES 28-17

North Dakota at Northern Colorado
Northern Colorado has some breath taking scenery……
Yep, that’s about it
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 34-17

Memphis at Central Florida
The Boys from O Town (Not the defunct musically challenged Boy band)
Have stumbled as of late, but the good news is I think Elvis’s Tigers have left the building
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 28-13

Hawaii at Idaho
The “Warriors on a Rainbow” invades the Land of the “Ida Honkies”
Sounds like the only thing missing is a “Rainbow Bright” reference
BOUNTY HUNTING WARRIORS ON RAINBOWS 38-17

EDITORS NOTE: You didn’t really think I would pick Hawaii without making a reference to “Dog the Bounty Hunter” did you?

Jackson State at Prairie View A&M
The Prairie is going to get mighty lonesome after the Tigers are finished
WALTER’S TIGERS 38-10

Colorado State at UNLV
Remember what they say….
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas….
Unless it happens to be a fungus that you can’t quite identify”
RAM TOUGH 24-14

Ursinus at Johns Hopkins
I have on “good authority” that the above named visiting school is named after a unique and rare medical condition caused by “sneezing and breaking wind at the same time” causing both a sinus and a urine infection simultaneously.
Consider this your medical tip of the week…
JOHNNY HOP 38-10

Iowa State at Texas Tech
You think I would pick against Tommy Tub and the Red Raiders after last week?
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS! 34-17

Mississippi State at Kentucky
If they let the Wildcats play with a basketball in this game It would be a different story..
Something about that “pointed football” seems to confuse them
BULLY DAWGS 31-14

Ole Miss at Auburn
It’s like the commercial says…..
“Sometimes you feel like a Nutt but at the end of this season they are firing his dumb ass”
WAR DAMN EAGLES 34-21

California at UCLA
This game is scheduled to be on Saturday Night at 2330 EST on ESPN U….
Which unfortunately conflicts with Kenny Rogers in the final installment of the series entitled “The Gambler Part XXVII: Brady Hawkes The Plastic Surgery Gamble”.
I have to watch the entire series, you understand
O’ SO Very GOLDEN BEARS 24-17

Kansas at Texas
Dorothy you aren’t in Kansas anymore….
HOOK EM HORNS 34-17

Brevard at Carson Newman
I still have faith in the once mighty Eagles……
But it is dwindling…
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-24

North Texas at Arkansas State
The Wolves are seeing Red and the Mean Green are rolling.
There is enough color in this game that even a colored blind guy like me can enjoy it.
RED WOLVES 31-28

South Carolina at Tennessee
Remember you heard it here first…..
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
VOWELS 24-21

Nevada at New Mexico State
They need to add a few more light bulbs on the scoreboard for this one…
It has the potential to be a high scoring affair
PACK of WOLVES 43-38

Stanford at Southern California
The one and only reason I am pulling for the Trojans (God have mercy on my soul)
Is because I am sick and tired (exhausted really) of hearing about Andrew Luck of Stanford.
Listen closely….
HE HASN’T PLAYED ANYBODY WORTH A CRAP!
GOT IT?
LAME TROJANS 33-28

Wisconsin at Ohio State
The Buckeyes are in a bit of a Fickled Pickle in this matchup….
But something tells me it’s going to be closer than you might think and could go either way.
BADGERS 28-24

Southern Miss at UTEP
I doubted the Mighty Golden Eagles last week…
I won’t make the same mistake this week.
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-16

Clemson at Georgia Tech
Three weeks ago this game was billed as a “Clash of the Titians…”
They were half right….
There is going to be a clash, but there is only going to be one “Titian” playing in this game
DABO’S TIGERS 43-17

Wyoming at San Diego State
Cowboy Down! Cowboy Down! Cowboy Down!
ANCIENT AZTECS 33-17

Arizona at Washington
I was going to watch this game, but I will be so exhausted from watching all the Kenny Rogers “The Gambler” Movies that I won’t be able to stay up and watch this game which kicks off at 0200 ETS Sunday morning.
WILDCATS 24-17

Michigan State at Nebraska
The Children of the Corn are rested but I can’t go against the Mighty Spartans..
Not after what they did to the Bucky the Badger last week
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 28-24

Illinois at Penn State
Joe Pa’s not scared to smash a Pumpkin, believe me I know what I am talking about here.
JOE’S LIONS 31-24

Oregon State at Utah
Interesting fact in this game…..
When “Leave it to Beaver” was on television both Wally and the Beaver were both two Ute’s.
Bet you didn’t know that
TWO UTES 34-17

Colorado at Arizona State
Again I feel obligated to point out that…..
The Buffalos haven’t won an away game since William McKinley was President
DEVILS of the SUN 43-10

Next week we will have the Heavyweight Match that everyone is talking about

Here is your preview….

Click here to view the embedded video.

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Whatever happened to some people’s sense of humor?

I write a tongue and cheek article about Texas A&M joining the Southeastern Conference two weeks ago and you would have thought I wrote a diatribe about my undying love for communism.

I’m not a Liberal, so don’t worry about my attraction or affection for communism.

I bet that one liner will get a few letters too.

Let me remind some of you Texas A&M Aggies that felt obligated to send me a variety of semi-coherent nasty emails the past two weeks of one very simple fact…
If nothing else I am a gentleman.

With that being said….

I won’t embarrass you by saying that despite the fact I was so far down the depth chart it would take a microscope to find me, I still have more National Championship Rings in my four years at Alabama than you have in your entire 100 plus year history of playing college football.

And I certainly wouldn’t want to point out that Florida, Auburn, Georgia, Tennessee and the Mighty LSU Tigers have more National College Football Championships than you have too.

I wouldn’t stoop so low as to talk about Kentucky’s Men’s Basketball National Championships or Florida’s Basketball Championships with you, since well, you aren’t very good in that sport either.

But perhaps you would feel more comfortable discussing Women’s Basketball National Championships with the Tennessee Lady Volunteers, since you have won “1” of those.

I know how much you all love College Baseball, so I wouldn’t ever discuss Baseball National Championships with you or compare the National Championships won by LSU and South Carolina to your, well, lack of any kind of Championships.

Maybe you would be more comfortable comparing your Track and Field Championships (or the lack there of) with the Tennessee Volunteers or the Arkansas Razorbacks?
I bet they could give you all some keen pointers.

I wouldn’t want to discuss Softball, Swimming or Diving Championships either; it would just be too embarrassing for you.

That would be wrong of me to say such hurtful things like that, so I simply won’t do it.

I’m so glad that I am a gentleman…

Because if I wasn’t a gentleman, I would have said that Coach Sara Patterson and the University of Alabama Women’s Gymnastics’ Team has won more National Championships than you have in all your universities sports combined over 100 plus years.

You have another comeback to beat that?

I’ll wait….

I’ll wait why you tell me how you “almost” beat Arkansas this year….
Maybe the third best team in the SEC West.

I am so glad that I am a gentleman

Welcome to the Southeastern Conference

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

This past week separated the contenders from the pretenders and it almost separated me from the liquor cabinet. Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a very subpar 52 and 16 or 76% for the week and for the season after seven weeks that leaves me at 400 and 93 or 81%.

It’s hard to believe I have picked almost 500 games thus far in the 2011 season

But please hold your adulation for just a moment; I have some exciting news….

The CFB Wizard is having a readers contest, yes you read that correctly.

The details of the contest are in this Week’s Pick’s so be sure and enter.

Now you may release your unbridled adulation for yours truly.

Enjoy your picks….

HIGH SCHOOL TEAM OF THE WEEK

This week’s High School Team of the week has a familiar player on the team that you have read about in a past article; Matt Jones of the Gretna High School Dragons in Nebraska.

Statistics and numbers don’t always tell the whole story in a game or even in a season for that matter and there isn’t a measuring stick for leadership, other than results.

That being said last week Matt’s numbers don’t jump off the page at you, but that young man is a winner and so are his teammates.

Last week In a matchup between undefeated teams that drew an estimated 2,500 to Elkhorn Stadium, the Class B No. 3 Dragons (8-0) clinched the District 3 championship in advance of next Friday’s regular-season finale at home against winless Elkhorn Mount Michael.

“Our defense did great,’’ Dragons quarterback Matt Jones said. “Our line had some great blocking that made some holes for (Andy) Janovich.”

Andy Janovich, the Dragons’ fullback, popped free for a 68-yard touchdown on the game’s second play and closed the scoring with a lookalike 48-yarder on the final play of the third quarter.

A state champion wrestler and returning Class B all-state linebacker, the 6-1, 205-pounder had a season-best 181 yards on 12 carries with three touchdowns as he pushed his team-leading season total to 617 yards on only 73 attempts.

“He’s our short-yardage back,’’ Jones said, “but he has a little bit of speed.”

Elkhorn Coach Mark Wortman won’t disagree.

“He’s just that good,’’ the coach said. “He’s a wrestler, so he has good balance. You have trouble bringing him down. It looks like he just sheds tacklers if you only try to arm-tackle.”

Elkhorn ran 60 plays to Gretna’s 40. In the second half, the Antlers had the ball for 28 of the first 37 snaps and didn’t score.

The No. 4 Antlers (7-1) got their first-half touchdowns on an over-the-shoulder catch by Ryan Michael that went for a 53-yard pass play from Daniel Feickert and a 10-yard run by Graham Nabity in the final minute to trail by only 21-14.

Nabity’s 136 yards on 25 carries increased his season totals to 1,034 yards and 15 touchdowns.

“By far they were the best team we’ve played this year,” Gretna coach Chad Jepsen said. “We knew it would be a battle.”

Congratulations Dragons, you earned it.

COACH’S SPEAK

We often times hear coaches speak and we aren’t really sure what they mean or what the implications of what they are saying and how that transcends to the football field. Have no fear.

I am going to help you understand what coach’s “mean what they mean” when they “say what they say”

SOUTH CAROLINA: Last week Coach Steve dismissed Gamecock Quarterback Stephen Garcia from the football team (for the thirteenth time) because “The Ole Ball Coach” said…
“Stephen failed a test….”

What Coach Steve meant by this statement was….
“That boy could have peed a Technicolor rainbow, raped a Nun and robbed a liquor store and I wouldn’t have cared a bit as long as he was throwing touchdowns instead of interceptions”

OLE MISS: Prior to the game with the University of Alabama Crimson Tide…
Coach Houston Nutt “suspended” four Rebel players for unknown reasons..
Coach Nutt had this to say about the suspensions
“I hated to suspend them all and it’s going to hurt us in this game but there is nothing more important than team disciple”

What Houston Nut meant to say was…..

“I knew we were going to get our asses kicked between our shoulder blades anyway so I suspended those guys so, after we got the hell beat out of us, I can say that we might have won the game if I didn’t have to suspend those guys. It’s a win-win.”

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Hello from the heart of SEC Country!!!

The Big Blue Trojans from here in Telfair County took the long trip down to Folkston for a matchup against the Charlton County Indians. The trip must have taken a toll on our hometown heroes as they made the long trip back to McRae on the short end of a 42-0 score. Try as they might, it just doesn’t seem like the offense has been able to generate anything against some of the powerhouse teams of Region 2-A. But, once again, our Trojans fought long and hard in the losing effort. Next up for the Trojans is a matchup against a traditional Class A football power in the state of Georgia; the Clinch County Panthers from down in Homerville. The Panthers bring with them 5 wins to go with 2 uncharacteristic losses in a game that the Trojans have been looking forward to all season. I know our boys will represent us well!!!

Oh, and don’t forget about the Milan Harvest Festival on the 22nd of October. It’s a fun filled festival with plenty of fun to be had by one and all. And the special entertainment will be the Poultry Palace!! Yes, you will be amazed by these trained chickens which sing, dance, talk, and do some impressive tricks!!! Also, there will be opportunities for the kids to interact with the birds. This is “must see” entertainment down on Main Street in Milan, Ga. For those of you interested, here is the link to Poultry Palace: http://www.poultrypalace.net/

On Saturday, the Red Clay Hounds traveled to Nashville to take on the Shipmates of Vandy. The Navigators nearly upended the visiting Dawgs as Georgia held on for a 33-28 victory. The outcome was in doubt right up until the last few seconds of the game as a blocked punt gave the ‘Dores the ball at the Georgia 20 yard line with 7 seconds left. The Athenians held on for the victory, but, it was a little too close for comfort.

Meanwhile, up in Charlottesville, VA, the Ramblin wreck strode in with a number 12 ranking in the polls and left with a 24-21 loss that will surely cause them to drop like a rock in the newest polls. The Bees once again failed to play defense as they allowed the Cavalier Crew to rack up 272 yards on the ground. The difference this week was that the offense couldn’t get on track for the Trade School as they could only muster 21. It was a tough loss for the Atlantans as they were off to their best start since ’66.

Up the road at Paulson Stadium, the Birds of Southern were more like buzzards, as they shredded the visiting Paladins of Furman to the tune of 50 – 20, and then feasted on the carcass. 5 different players scored in the shellacking and even the Defense got involved as they blocked an extra point and ran it back to add 2 more points to the tally. The Blue Clad Birds tacked up the most points in the rivalry since 1998′s 45 – 17 victory and was an appropriate ending as they saluted the 1986 National Championship team.

Elsewhere, the Crimson Tide turned into a bloody tsunami as they thoroughly devastated an outmatched and outclassed Ole Miss team by a 52-7 margin. And the score still doesn’t tell the story on how much of a route this really was. Trent Richardson racked up over 180 yards and also gave us a Heisman signature moment on a 76 yard run as he made the Rebs look like a Junior High Team.

The Bayou Bengals added another notch to their win column as they dismantled the Coon Hounds by a score of 38-7 in Knoxville. The Vols may have got a little bit of false hope after finishing the 1st quarter tied up at 0. But, the Big Cats bared their claws and reminded the homestanding Tennesseans that this was not last year as they piled on the points to make sure Les Miles didn’t have to manage the clock.

And down at Davis-Wade over in Starkville, the Chickens escaped with their lives as they were almost Southern Fried by the pesky Bulldogs. These roosters almost broke the rules of nature by nearly laying an egg in a 14-12 win. QB Conner Shaw tossed a jump ball to a leaping Alshon Jeffery to give the visiting Columbians the victory. But this one will be bittersweet as the Gamecocks finally got rid of the troubled Stephen Garcia and lost workhorse RB Marcus Lattimore to a knee injury. No word yet on how serious it is but let’s wish the young man well.

Up in Tortoise-land, the Clemson Tigers were obviously sickened by the sight of the homestanding Terrapins home uniforms and fell behind 28-10. Young QB Tajh Boyd was obviously fed some Dramamine by Coach Dabo Swinney and led the comeback as the #8 Orange clad Cats to come away from a 56-45 shootout with a win.

The Nuts from the North got by the Ilini with a gameplan that Coach Luke “The Pickel” Fickell designed to keep the ball out of QB Braxton Miller’s hands. It worked like a charm. I’m sure the Buckie’s will be bucking for a place in the polls after the game but if the pollsters are smart they’ll remember that the Cheeseheads of Wisconsin loom on the horizon for the ‘Eyes and won’t waste their votes.

And, finally, the Trojans of USC made the Cal Bruins pay for their fashion faux pas by taking this game 30-9. The 5-1 Kiffin led T-bones created numerous turnovers in the win over a fellow weak sister in the PAC (Pitiful Athletic Conference)-12. I will give this to the PAC-12. They can count, unlike other conferences, although I suspect Stanford had something to do with that.

Well, folks, it’s that time again. Let’s get to the Peach State Prognostication. Let’s take a close, in-depth look at what happened with our two in-state institutions of higher learning. The Dawgs dodged a bullet and the Wreck threw a rod. Georgia is winning the games it’s supposed to win, but, beating traditional SEC bottom feeders in less than convincing fashion is not impressive. However, an SEC road win will get you some bonus points. On the other hand, a loss to a traditionally mediocre conference rival in the ACC (Athletically Challenged Conference) will make your stock drop faster than Barrack Obama’s poll numbers. With that in mind, I’m picking this one 35-17 Cow College. When you’re defense can’t stop an angry Chihuahua, the opponent’s offense is going to plow through you like Rosie O’Donnell at a Dolly Madison factory, it’s as simple as that.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

THE CFB WIZARD READER CONTEST

As promised Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will have a monthly contest until the end of the season and the winners will have the chance to meet and hang out with The CFB Wizard at an upcoming book signing and discuss a variety of college football topics over lunch as well as receive an autographed picture of my Black Lab “Doc”
(He signs all his own autographs)

This week’s Contest involves a test of your College Football Knowledge.

In the picture below can you identify the lone Oklahoma Sooner’s Cheerleader amongst the Nebraska Cornhusker’s Cheerleaders?

Please submit your answers via the CFB Wizard website, you must be at least eighteen (18) years old to enter and all employees, staff and unpaid interns of the CFB Wizard are not illegible.

The Winners will be named in upcoming articles…

Good Luck!

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Sir,
I got this problem and I wanna know if you kin help me.
See, I got this, ah, friend who got in trouble after tha Alabama-Auburn game last year.
He got all liquered up, and got all mad, and when out and, well…. let’s say he messed up some bushes that belonged to the sorry-assed Auburn folks over in Timmy’s Corners.
Well, after that he was kinda skeered but he called up this radio fella that was doin a show and told em what he done and all and the dang law tracked him down. Well, after that all them dang Auburn Tiger people started messin with him and he had ta move outta the state fer awhile after he got through with some jailin and court stuff.
So he got himself a lawyer but that dang fella said not to call that radio fella and, well, my friend just couldn’t help hisself and he kept callin. I mean, Barbara Dooley calls them folks up all the time and nobody gets her in trouble. Now the lawyer fella up and quit on my friend. So here’s my question, is there such a thang as a law bout killin a bush or two?
Is them Auburn folks a bunch of bush huggers?
And do you know where I can get me another good lawyer? Ah, for my friend?

Thanks Mr Wizard –
ArveyHay Dikeupway

A: I don’t care who you are, this is funny as hell.

Q: Hey Dude are you going to join us at the “Occupy Wall Street” March?

Chip – Ithaca, New York

A: Chip I think you stumbled across the wrong website…
I think you are looking for…

I’m a Dumbass.org

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

DELTA STATE: Congratulations to the Fighting Okra for knocking off the previously undefeated North Alabama Lions and taking over the Number 1 position in Division II Football.

That was one heck of a game.

OLE MISS: Do you still have a “Marching Band” or did you find that “politically incorrect” too?
The reason I ask is….
During the game last week with Alabama your public address system at the stadium belted out an 80’s soundtrack throughout the entire game; I never once heard the marching band play.

ESPN COLLEGE GAME DAY: As I have mentioned on numerous occasions…
I dearly love ESPN’s College Game Day, it’s the best there is anywhere…

But they punted one in the stands last Saturday with the segment entitled..
“College Football Fashion Police”

Attempting to justify the ugly ass uniforms of Maryland, Michigan and Oregon doesn’t make us like them any better; it makes us loath them all the more.

KENTUCKY: I want to take this time to apologize to the Kentucky Wildcat Football Fans…
For not picking their game last Saturday. But here is what happened…

It was a close contest but the Wildcats pulled it out with a late field goal in the closing moments

The Score….
Kentucky 17 Bye Week 14….

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE: Speaking of the University of Kentucky Football Team…
With all the talk of the Texas A&M Aggies joining the Southeastern Conference, the National Sports media has missed another story of interest going on in the Conference.
While Texas A&M is in the process of joining the SEC, The University of Kentucky Football team is looking to move to the 13th Region of Kentucky 5A High School Football under the stipulation that they don’t have to play the Mighty (8-0) Harlan County Black Bears for two years.

More on this story as it develops…

ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL STUDIO: This message is for Ms. Wendi Nix in the ESPN College Football Studio…..

We all know that you are just as cute as can be….

But sweetheart, you need to learn how to “pronounce” the names of the respective colleges and the names of their teams if you are going to give a score update. I know, I know….

“Wisconsin” is a BIG word and so is “Louisiana State University” which is actually three words

But if you don’t get “Hooked on Phonics” very quickly….
Your employers at ESPN are going to think you are drinking on the job.

CARSON NEWMAN: Has the Spark gone out of the Eagles?

TEXAS TECH: Are you all missing Coach Mike Leach yet? Just wondering…

MICHIGAN: The “new” Wolverine uniforms look like a group of ten year olds ate some high lighters and then vomited on some blue jerseys. And if that isn’t bad enough…

I have on good authority that the “new” uniforms with the large “M” on the front of the Michigan jerseys almost caused the Wolverines to be late for the opening kickoff last week.

The Michigan players thought all the jersey’s were medium’s and they spent most of the morning looking for their correct sizes.

ST OALF: Congratulations on winning the Cereal Bowl and the Goat Trophy last week..
I told you all that was a serious rivalry, didn’t I?

SOUTH CAROLINA: So they say that Coach Steve is an “Offensive Genius…”
Well they got it half right…..

CBS COLLEGE FOOTBALL: I don’t know which was worse last week…

CBS College Football “commentator” Vern Lunquest trying to “feel up” Peyton Manning in the booth…..
Or Peyton Manning seemingly enjoying it

SEC REFEREE’S: So let me be sure I have this right….
Ole Miss got beat by the score of 52 to 7 last week and they didn’t have a single penalty?
Not one?

One of the best defenses in the entire country rushes the passer and nobody holds, not once?
Really?

So here’s my question, if Ole Miss didn’t commit any errors then how did they lose?

PAC 12: I read recently that “television revenue is down in the PAC 12 Conference and the Conference is going to create a committee to determine the reason for the loss of viewership”

Let me save you dumbasses some time so you don’t have to convene a damn committee.

Your football games come on at Midnight on the East Coast (That’s Eastern Standard Time if you are unaware) and Eleven o’clock Central Time and NOBODY is going to stay up and watch those games after watching Oklahoma, LSU, Alabama, and Clemson, Wisconsin etc…

There is your answer, think of me as a “time saver”, no need to thank me.

GEORGIA: If your coaches want to wrestle (or Wrastle as we say in the South) with opposing coaches there is a league for that and it isn’t in college football.

CLEMSON: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

ALABAMA: If this isn’t the run of the week, then I don’t know what is….
It’s worth another look

Enjoy….

Click here to view the embedded video.

THE GAMES

Thursday October 20th

Central Florida at UAB
One thing you can say about the Blazers, they have been consistent all year.
O’ SO very GOLDEN KNIGHTS 38-10

West Alabama at West Georgia
These two teams are battling to see who makes the playoffs and who stays at home.
It’s going to be a barn burner, believe it.
BAMA WEST 31-28

UCLA at Arizona
This is the very best game on Thursday Night at Midnight on ESPN U
Yippee
BRUINS 24-21

Friday October 21st

Rutgers at Louisville
I’m not so sure the Cardinal’s are all that Strong right now.
JERSEY BOY’S 28-24

West Virginia at Syracuse
I hope Otto the Orange isn’t setting on a couch when this game is over.
That costume of his looks flammable to me.
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 31-21

Saturday October 22nd

Indiana at Iowa
Another Big Ten or whatever Game and you know what that means
That’s right kids, another Rivalry Trophy!
This rivalry in farm country is played for the John Deere Tractor Terrarium Trophy
(I hear it’s all in 3D)
HAWKEYES 34-17

Oklahoma State at Missouri
I am afraid the Prairie Wind is going to do naughty things to MO…
But I think Larry and Curley will be alright as long as they get out of the way.
COWBOY UP! 38-24

Cincinnati at South Florida
The Boy’s from Tampa started the Season out with a Bang….
And then fizzled out like a wet firecracker.
I don’t get it
BEARKATS 33-28

North Carolina Pembroke at Carson Newman
I am trying to believe that the Spark hasn’t gone out of the Mighty Eagles
I really am trying….
SPARK’S EAGLES 38-34

Kansas State at Kansas
This instate rivalry is called “The Sunflower Showdown”
I am glad it isn’t called the “Petunia Playoff” or I would have had to make fun of it.
WILDCATS 24-21

Illinois at Purdue
Guess what’s coming up…..
That’s Right, another rivalry Trophy!
The winners of this game receive the Ricardo Montalban Rich Corinthian Leather Trophy
The losers of the game get to drive a rusted out 80’s model Chrysler Cordoba for a year.
People in this part of the country like to think of this game as a win-win.
Also a Purdue Cannon is involved somehow, which is strange.
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 28-17

Jacksonville State at Kentucky
The Wildcats are coming off an impressive showing during the Bye Week…
And the Gamecocks of J-Ville aren’t what they once were a couple of years ago.
BIG BLUE WILDCATS 24-10

Arkansas at Ole Miss
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt…..
This week, not so much..
HAWGS 34-17

Delaware at Rhode Island
I stand by my convictions…
I cannot pick a team whose entire existence is predicated on a lie.
Rhode Island ISN’T a Damn Island! Get it straight people!
BLUE HENS 38-17

Western Michigan at Eastern Michigan
Another Battle in the Land of Michigan for the Chili MAC and Cheese Trophy!
If you add some chopped onions and Tabasco to that Trophy, it’s delicious.
BRONCO’S 34-28

Marist at Butler
This game really made me think….
I sure hope Marist has a Butler…
That girl deserves that kind of treatment, she is a real Fox
RED FOXES 28-24

Valdosta State at Delta State
The Delta Fighting Okra has another Top 5 opponent this week in the Mighty Blazers.
It’s going to be a championship fight until the final whistle blows.
Believe it
FIGHTING OKRA 31-28

Central Michigan at Ball State
This game may finally answer the question…
How much wood could a Chippewa chuck if a Chippewa could chuck wood?
(Say that one three times fast and see what happens)
CARDINAL’S 34-28

Cal Poly at North Dakota
Does Polly want a cracker?
How about some……
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-17
(I just love saying that…)

Muhlenberg at Juniata
I know a couple of things about this game that may have an outcome on the contest.
Juanita has what we like to refer to as an “Anger Management Problem” and she likes to scrap and by that I don’t mean “Scrap Book”.
And the Mule Face Girl, well….
I hear she has a “Great Personality”….
J-LO 28-13

New Mexico at Texas Christian
The Lobo’s get the Lowdown on a Horn Frog Beat Down in Cow Town
Believe it
HORNED FROGS 43-17

Presbyterian at Georgia Southern
The only “Blue” the Blue Ho’s are going to get in this game is “The Statesboro Blues”
SOUTHERN EAGLES 43-21

Idaho State at Brigham Young
I don’t know if Famous Potatoes State has any Ida Honkies like the University of Idaho does
But you can’t stop a man from dreaming….
COUGARS 41-17

North Dakota State at South Dakota State
There is a lot of Dakota and States in this game.
But as Vince Vaughn would say in “Four Christmas’s”…
“This is how we handle our business in the Bison State momma…”
BIG OLE BISONS 34-28

Boston College at Virginia Tech
It’s official….
The Hokey Pokeys have turned themselves around
FIGHTING TURKEYS 24-17

Temple at Bowling Green
The Hooting has gone out of the owls and the Falcons are flying again.
Sorry, but that’s how it is…
GREEN FALCONS 33-17

Memphis at Tulane
This game will be like watching two old people in a nursing home fighting over a cup of pudding
At first it’s kind of funny, and then it’s just sad.
ELVIS’S TIGERS 17-13

Air Force at Boise State
I never would have thought the Mighty United States Air Force Academy couldn’t fly….
But they sure are playing like it lately
BRONCO’S 43-24

East Carolina at Navy
Ever since the game against the Air Force Academy…..
I am afraid my Midshipmen have run aground.
PIRATES 38-21

Auburn at LSU
I have some advice for the Auburn folks in this game.
I wouldn’t let that drunken War Eagle fly around too much in Death Valley…
The Folks down there will kill and eat anything.
Welcome to Death Valley
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 38-14

Oregon at Colorado
I am having a hard time remembering why I should care about this game…
That’s right I don’t, never mind.
QUACKS 6-3

Ursinus at Susquehanna
The University playing Susie this weekend reminds me of all the times I got in trouble in Astronomy class in College. The female Professor would ask….
”Young man what are you staring at?”
And I would reply….
“I’m staring at your Uranus”
(That joke never got old for me…)
SUSIE Q 31-17

Ohio at Akron
This game features another Buckeye State Battle and Rivalry…
This one is played for the Yak Ass Trophy, which looks eerily similar to…
Rosie O’Donnell’s face, when she hasn’t shaved.
I’m just saying….
FRANK’S CATS 33-31

Texas A&M at Iowa State
The Cyclones haven’t generated enough wind lately to classify as a decent popcorn fart
GIG EM AGGIES 41-24

Nebraska at Minnesota
The Groundhogs came out of their respective holes last week and saw their shadows…
And you know what that means…
Six more weeks of losing football games..
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 43-10

Montana State at Northern Colorado
The Bears of Colorado have been improving each week this season…
But not so much this week
BOBCATS 31-17

Fresno State at Nevada
You know what they say..
“What Happens in Vegas, usually results in an untreatable STD”
WOLF PACK 38-17

Marshall at Houston
My Fans in Beautiful Huntington West Virginia know I appreciate them and I pull for the Thundering Herd each and every week. But there is an exception to every rule…
This week being the exception to that particular rule
MIGHTY COUGARS 38-21

Montana at Northern Arizona
The Lumberjacks can’t climb high enough to get away from the….
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 34-13

Miami (OH) at Toledo
This evenly matched rivalry in the Buckeye State is played for the coveted…
“Jimmy Crack Corn Trophy”
Because I don’t care…
REDHAWKS 28-24

Utah at California
I am really excited about this game!
I have never seen Two Utes ride a bear before!
TWO UTES 28-24

Army at Vanderbilt
The Commodores (Not the unbelievably talented Musical Group) almost beat the Georgia Bulldogs last Saturday night and that’s good enough for me here.
BRICKHOUSE COMMODORES 34-17

MIT at Salve Regina
I don’t know why the Mississippi Institute of Technology is playing this Yugoslavian girl
But she better have her “Big Girl” pants on for this game, those Mississippi Folks are tough.
MISS TECH 31-17

Penn State at Northwestern
There was time when the Wildcats could compete with Joe Pa and the Happy Valley Lions.
This however isn’t the time
JOE PA’S LIONS 33-17

Tulsa at Rice
Rice University has one of the most extensive research and testing facilities that you could find anywhere in the country and their Engineering Department is second to none.
Which of course means absolutely nothing here…
I just wanted to say something positive before the Owls got their ass kicked.
GOLDEN HURRICANES 38-14

Louisiana Monroe at North Texas
I have an idea that will help Monroe get those blood stains out of his uniform.
Try using a little…
MEAN GREEN 28-17

Tennessee at Alabama
The team’s records or standings don’t matter in this game
This game is Republicans and Democrats
Oil and Water
Cowboys and Indians
Except its worse…

Click here to view the embedded video.

Amen Brother…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-17

Southern California at Notre Dame
This age old grudge feast is played for the coveted “Jeweled Shillelagh”
You can catch all the action of this gridiron matchup on NBC….
Which of course stands for “No Body Cares”
FIGHTING IRISH 28-24

Texas Tech at Oklahoma
So Red Raider fans…..
How do you like that Coach Tommy Tub now?
If he is a “defensive genius” then I’m a Polish Astronaut…
BOOMER SOONERS 52-10

Washington at Stanford
I have two very good reasons why I will not be able to watch this game…
“Sea Monkeys” on QVC “For Fun and Profit”
Actually that is more than two words, but you get the picture
CARDINAL 44-17

Wisconsin at Michigan State
This game will be a lot (a Lot) closer than you might think…
So don’t be surprised if it goes the other way
BUCKY BADGER 28-24

Southern Methodist at Southern Miss
Both of these teams are Red Hot…
It’s sure to be one heck of a game in Hattiesburg
It’s a Toss-up
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-28

Hope at Trine
I really Hope Trine Wins this game…
WATERMELON TRINE 24-17

Middle Tennessee at Florida Atlantic
I believe the Owls are all but Hooted out in this one
BLUE RAIDERS 34-17

Colorado State at UTEP
This is sure to be a Big game in the…..
Western Middle Somewhere out West Not in My Time Zone Conference
I can hardly wait
MINERS 28-21

Oregon State at Washington State
I haven’t been this disappointed in Beavers since I went to my first Carnival Sideshow
(NO, it wasn’t that kind of Carnival Sideshow)
Never mind….
MIGHTY BEAVERS 24-21

Maryland at Florida State
If the Fighting Linoleum Floor Panels wear those God awful uniforms to Tallahassee…
Then I have an idea where Chief Osceola can plant his spear.
MIGHTY SEMINOLES 38-28

Georgia Tech at Miami
The Rambler’s Wrecked last Saturday; But Hurricane Season is just about over
YELLOW JACKETS 34-24

St Olaf at Augsburg
St. O’ has won the prized Cereal Bowl and the coveted Goat Trophy last week.
(Did I not tell you all that was a serious rivalry, believe me now?)
And that’s good enough for me.
ST. OLIE 28-17

North Carolina at Clemson
The Tar Heels will keep this one close for a little while…
But these aren’t the same Ole Tigers that fade when the season goes along.
These Tigers are for Real; Believe it
DABO’S TIGERS 34-24

North Carolina State at Virginia
These Pack of Wolves are playing more like a fresh litter of Chihuahua puppies
CAVALIERS 24-10

Wake Forest at Duke
The Blue Devils will keep this one close….
Until they hear “And the Home of the Brave…”
Then they will be down by two touchdowns
DEMON DEACONS 38-17

Sunday October 23rd

New Mexico State at Hawaii
This game in Hawaii is an upset and I will tell you why…
I’m upset that “Dog the Bounty Hunter” still hasn’t started their new Season on A&E
(Please see your local listings for times in your area)
LASSO LARRY 31-28

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

This week….
I write to you from high atop my mountain compound that is the RTR Ranch and Sanatorium.

I felt obligated to be in a “safe” place to write this week since the Illinois Fighting Pumpkins and the Kansas State Wildcats are both undefeated (6-0) for the first time since the Pilgrims played a Thanksgiving Football game. Because as we all know, that is one of the first signs of the coming Apocalypse.

But enough about the end of the world, let’s talk College Football

Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…
Despite screwing up the “High School Player of the Week” nominations…
And getting embarrassed with “Upset Specials” that only seemed to upset yours truly..

Was an astounding 48 and 11 or 81%
(Please hold your astonishment until the very end of the article..)

That leaves the CFB Wizard after 6 weeks in the college football season at 348 and 77 or 82%

Now you may release your individual astonishment…

Enjoy your Picks…

HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER OF THE WEEK

The 50th annual Winnersville Classic in Georgia between the Valdosta Wildcats and Lowndes County Vikings was played in front a packed Martin Stadium last Friday night with the Wildcats coming up with an amazing 21-17 victory. The Cats were led by Jr. Quarterback Shelby Wilkes who was a backup player when the season started. This improbable win was the first for Valdosta since 2003 and seemed all but impossible heading into the final minute of play with Lowndes up 17-7 on the visiting Cats. Wilkes led the Cats on a 60 yard drive with 48 seconds left. Valdosta then recovered the onside kick to give Wilkes one last shot. That was all he needed as he connected with Avery Burney for a 35 yard touchdown to send the visitors to a victory.

Congratulations to Shelby Wilkes and the Valdosta Wildcats!

SOUTH GEORGIA NEWS and VIEWS

Hello from the heart of SEC country!!

I’m sad to report that the hometown Trojans lost another tough game to Region 2-A opponent Irwin County Friday night. The boys in blue traveled to Ocilla to take on the home standing Indians and came away on the short end of a 21-3 score. These boys played tough and fought hard all night but just couldn’t push the rock across the goal line. The season may be two thirds complete, but you can see definite improvement with every game that goes by.

Next up is a trip down south to Folkston, Georgia to take on the 6-1 Indians of Charlton County. It’s going to be a long trip to take on a tough team, but I’ve got faith that the Trojans will represent Telfair County with pride and courage.

Up in the Georgia state capitol, the Paul Johnson’s Bee’s took on the Astro-Terps of Maryland and held on by the fuzz of their thoraxes for a 21-16 win. Two weeks in a row these bees knees have played down to the competition. The Trade School was held to a season low in points, total offense, and passing yards against one of the weak(er) sisters of the Almost Competitive Conference. Defense got a stop in the 4th quarter to actually salvage a win. The Wreck takes on Virginia next week in another game against a less than stellar opponent.

Meanwhile, up the road in Knoxville, the Red Clay Hounds took on the Orange Clad Volunteers and walked away with a 20-12 win. The 6-6 score at halftime didn’t begin to tell the tale of futility of the two opponents as the two teams traded field goals. The Cow College distanced themselves in the 3rd with a couple of touchdowns and the defense played with inspiration to turn the orange-clad Knox-villains away and keep them out of the end zone. Next up for the Hounds is a tough Vanderbilt team coming to play between the hedges. The Dawgs continue to show improvement as the season goes on, but, the true test of their mettle will be in two weeks with a trip to Jacksonville for the renewal of the annual World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.

And up in Statesboro, the Pigeons hung on to pin a loss on the visiting Snakes from Chattanooga. The Eagles took a 21-7 lead to the locker room at halftime but the Mocs put a scare into the hometown crowd by tying the score with just over 9 minutes left in the fourth. QB Jaybo Shaw put the hometown heroes up with a Southern 4th quarter score but the Chattanoogaan’s weren’t done as they also scored the potential game tying touchdown. Fortunately, Eagle’s defender Josh Rowe rushed the Mocs QB on the 2 point conversion attempt and the ball fell harmlessly to the Erk Russel rug to preserve the number 1 ranked Eagle’s win.

In other action, a new era was ushered into Williams-Brice Stadium as the Kentucky Wildcats traveled to Columbia to take on the Conner Shaw led Gamecocks. What a difference a week makes. After being left for dead by the Barners of Alabama, the Gamecocks hung 54 points on the Lexington Big Blue. And once again the defense got in on the action with 6 turnovers. It’s only Kentucky, Gamecock fans, so don’t make reservations to the SEC Championship game yet.

Over in Bryant-Denny, the Tuscaloosa Pachyderms sent the Commodores down the gang plank as they sunk Vanderbilt 34-0. A.J. McCarron had season highs in TDs and passing yards as the Boys from Bama posted scores in all 4 quarters in another convincing SEC win.

Mark November 5th on your calendars folks.
The immovable object meets the unstoppable force as the Bayou Bengals travel to T-Town for a game that may also leave people on the front rows of the stadium battered and bruised!

Over in Fayetteville, the Razorbacks took on the Tigers from the Plains, who have an identity crisis since they have an Eagle for a mascot, and dropped the visitors to 4-2 on the season with a convincing 38-14 win. The Aubies were soundly thrashed by their hosts and left holding a rather tenuous grip on 3rd place in the SEC West.

Elsewhere, the Oklahoma Sooners took on the Longhorns of Texas in the Red River Rivalry. No, Texas, that wasn’t a Sooner Schooner that ran over you, it was a Mack Truck. The Pioneers thoroughly dominated Bevo’s Boys to the tune of 55-17. It was close after 15 minutes but once the Okie Dokie got hot they tore through Texas like a prairie fire.

Clemson continued its winning ways with a sound win against the visiting Boston College Iggles. QB Tajh Boyd was hurt in the win but it’s not thought to be too serious. The Orange Tigers take on the Rambling Wreck in Bobby-Dodd in two weeks in a game which will determine which of these two is a contender and which one is a pretender.

Up in corn country, the Corn Shuckers turned away the Nutty Buddies of Ohio in one of the greatest comebacks in Nebraska history. The Taylor Martinez led Farm Hands came back from a 21 point deficit to turn the visitors around and send the visitors back to Columbus sporting a 3-3 record. And finally, the Golden Domers topped the Wing Nuts of Air Force 59-33. In the first of two games against the Service Academies, the South Benders routed another less than stellar opponent in their attempt to occupy a spot in the bottom of the top 25. But, one question comes to mind that I’ve always wanted to ask. Why does a Catholic School have a mural of Touchdown Jesus in their end zone? Are they trying to send a message to the Pope?

Now it’s time again for the Peach State Prognostication. I really didn’t see much to get excited about from either team. But, get ready Dawg fans, for the pendulum is swinging.

I’m going to have to go with the Clark Countians by a 27-21 score this week.

Why, you ask? Simple; Defense. The Jackets don’t have much and the Dawgs do. The futility of the offenses offset each other. Plus, after coming off of a rough two weeks to start the season, the Athenians are showing character in winning by any means necessary.
I could be wrong, but gut feeling says the tide may be turning.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.

And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

(FULL MOON) EMAILS OF THE WEEK

Q: You are a damn raciest! I have never in my life read such garbage!

Do you have any idea that comparisons like you made with Coach Phil Fulmer to monkeys are raciest?
Or are you just that stupid? I have never read anything so insulting and degrading!

You should apologize for such disgusting rants.

Debra – Nashville, Tennessee

A: Thank you so much Debra for taking the time to point this out to me.
You are right.
I want to take this time to apologize to any Chimpanzees, Gorillas, Orangutans or Spider Monkeys that were offended by my comparisons of them to the vile and disgusting Phil Fulmer.

Q: Dear Mr Wizard,
I got this question that’s kinda puzzlin me an yore bout the smartest man on tha planet so I figured you could help me. I was watchin a football game on tha TV and they had this thing they give out that made me just scratch my haid. See theres this award they give to tha “top African-American scholar athlete.”
I just don’t understand that.
Aint that racist?
Didn’t that Marty Lutheran King fella say sumpin bout judgin folks by the contents of their characters and not by the color of their skin or sumpin like that? Well if you is judgin folks by that how can they just give out a award for a Afircan American college football fella cause he’s Afircan American?
And here’s sompin else that’s got me ta just shakin my head. They got that club called the N-A-A-C-P. Just in case you didn’t know, that means National Association for the Advancement of Colered people.
Well, I don’t know bout where you come from, but down in these here parts, if you say sumpin bout colered folks, theres some people that get real riled up. I mean, I don’t know whether ta say colered, or black, or Afircan American.

So, can you help me out and set me straight on somma this stuff. Im real confused.

Lemuel in Ludowici

A: Thank you for the fine compliment Lemuel, but I’m not sure I can help you out on this topic as I prefer to identify people by their names and not by something else. But…..
The good news in all this is that “Saltine Crackers” will be promoting their own scholarship athlete in the coming weeks.

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –

We are Big Fans! We love your column!
We have a question for you Mister Wizard!
So like what is the first thing you do every morning to get you ready for the day?

GO MIZZOU TIGERS!

Delores, Margaret and Janice – Kansas City, Missouri

A: Thank you for the kind email Ladies…
When I wake up the first thing I do each and every morning is….

“Remember the Alamo”

Q: Dear CFB Wizard –

I noticed that some weeks you “don’t do so well” on your college football picks.
(No disrespect intended)
So what is your secret to bouncing back from a tough week?
I am having kind of a tough time myself and was wondering what your secret was?

Thanks Dude your website rocks
Steve – Spartanburg, South Carolina

A: Thank you for the compliment on the website Steve..

I wouldn’t suggest my “method” for clearing one’s mind to anyone Steve it is far too harsh and potentially dangerous but “IF” you decide to submit yourself to such a treatment, then I can only wish you good luck and I will not answer any phone calls from your personal injury attorney.

I would suggest listening to “Black Oak Arkansas” backwards for three hours.

Then you will understand what they truly mean by “Jim Dandy to the Rescue”

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

SOUTH CAROLINA: So Coach Steve…..
You didn’t decide to take a knee in the last minute of the game; instead you opted to score again.
Then you thought it was “cute” to be a smartass at the post game news conference and make fun of Kentucky’s futility in the game. Classy Coach, real Classy.

Then to make things even better….
You have a complete PMS meltdown at your Tuesday news conference over (of all things) a reporter being in the room “you didn’t like”.

And to top it all off you kick Stephen Garcia off the team for what, the thirteenth time?

Sounds like somebody needs to retire…for good.

OREGON: Aren’t you all on probation yet or are you still Ducking the NCAA?

TEXAS: I was always told if you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.

So I won’t

DR. PEPPER COMMERCIAL: If I see your stupid commercial featuring some jackass in sunglasses singing some stupid Hip Hop crap to Dr. Pepper again; in the name of Elvis I swear I am going to shoot my television screen out.

AIR FORCE: I can’t believe I saw the United States Air Force get Bombed last Saturday…
And for the record I am talking about the game with Notre Dame not Saturday Night’s shenanigans at the Officers Club.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: How are you Trojans enjoying your Lame Kitten?

TEXAS A&M: I hope my article this week helped with you all with your “marriage plans”….

No need to thank me

TENNESSEE: I know Volunteer fans are frustrated, it’s because you are impatient and were used to winning, even if it was with thugs and criminals. But let this be said and let it sink in…

This is the first time in at least twenty years…..

Twenty years….

There hasn’t been any off season arrest of ANY Tennessee Football Players…

No Rapes, No attempted Murders, No Thefts, No Drunk and Fighting Police..NO Nothing.

This Coach has the team headed in the right direction and is in the process of restoring integrity to the football program; all you have to do is give him a chance.

That is unless having rapist, drug dealers and thugs on the team are “Ok” as long as you are winning.

OKLAHOMA: Congratulations on a Big win in the Red River Stampede

KENTUCKY: Coach Phillips this isn’t a Joke….

You better get it get it together real quick….
Even though The Kentucky Wildcats are the Men’s Basketball Flagship of the Conference, the Wildcat faithful don’t like getting their respective asses handed to them in such a rude fashion.

NCAA: The latest news….

MONTGOMERY, Ala. (AP) — The NCAA says it found no major violations committed by Auburn regarding Cam Newton or other pay-for-play allegations.

The NCAA released a statement Wednesday saying it has closed its 13-month investigation into Auburn’s recruitment of the Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback, whose father shopped his services to another school for nearly $200,000.

The NCAA also cleared Auburn in allegations by four former players that they received payments during their recruitment or careers.

The NCAA says “any allegations of major rules violations must meet a burden of proof, which is a higher standard than rampant public speculation online and in the media.”

It also says the investigation could be reopened if evidence surfaces.

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t think this is over, because it isn’t. More next week….

THE GAMES

Thursday October 13th

Texas Southern at Alabama A&M
This game is what college football is all about….
Cats against the Dogs
The Tigers of Southern will come up short in this contest
But their “Ocean of Soul Marching Band” is not to be missed
BAMA DOGS 31-27

Delta State at North Alabama
The Fighting Okra against my beloved Florence Lions
Both of these teams are red hot, but I have to go with the home team
(It’s an Alabama thing….)
MIGHTY LIONS 34-28

San Diego State at Air Force
I don’t know if the Falcons can recover from being carpet bombed by the Fighting Irish…
But I am betting they will…
FALCONS 33-31

Southern California at California
This “big” instate rivalry in California has been “renamed” recently to….
“More accurately reflect California values…”
Thus this rivalry is now named….
“The Illegal Aliens, Gay Lesbian Transgendered Diversity, Mudslides, Wildfires, Outrageous Taxes, Gridlock Traffic Game” or “IAGLTDMWOTGT Game” for short…

Catchy don’t you think?
LAMES TROJANS 17-10

Friday October 14th

Hawaii at San Jose State
I am as excited about this game as you all are….
I promise I am!
Because it reminds us all that “Dog the Bounty Hunter” will return to the A&E Network
This Fall on Wednesday Nights (Check your local listings for times)
WARRIORS Bounty Hunting across RAINBOWS 38-17

Saturday October 15th

Michigan at Michigan State
This instate rivalry is played each year for the coveted “Paul Bunyan Ax Trophy”
No word yet on who get’s “Babe” the Big Blue Ox.
WOLVERINES 38-17

Utah at Pittsburgh
Lately the Two Ute’s are playing like they got liquored up behind the playground.
Not that I am judging
I’m just saying….
TWO UTES 31-28

Salisbury at Alfred
I had no idea that the Salisbury Steak people had their own college.
That’s the kind of news that will give men everywhere hope
SALISBURY STEAK & GRAVY 24-17

Baylor at Texas A&M
This long standing Rivalry in the Lone State State has been played each year since 1899
They call it “The Battle of the Brazos”
It’s coming to an end because of the Aggies love of money
How proud they must be
BEAR DOWN 33-31

Indiana at Wisconsin
This “intense” rivalry in the Big Ten or Twelve is relatively new in comparison to their other conference rivalries. This particular rivalry is played for the…..
“Captain and Tennille Muskrat of Love Trophy”
As a safety tip: Always wash your hands after touching the Muskrat of Love Trophy
BADGERS 43-10

Toledo at Bowling Green
This battle in the Buckeye State is called “The Battle of I-75”
I think the winner gets a chunk of asphalt and a piece of an old guardrail
Which is nice
RICKY ROCKET 28-21

St Francis at Sacred Heart
Here we go again….
These arrogant people think they are the only ones with a “Sacred Heart”
Well I got a “News Flash” for them….
They Aren’t!
St. Francis was a pretty cool cat himself
PIONEERS 28-17

Campbell at Marist
I am not too sure about Gaylord the Camel
(But we all have our suspicions about Gaylord, don’t we?)
But I do know that Marist is a real Fox…
RED FOX’S 34-14

Moravian at Susquehanna
You may not believe this…
But Morey isn’t ready for Susie this Saturday….
She has a new pair of pink “Baby Girl” sweat pants and some Lee Press On Nails and that girl is ready for a tussle, Believe it.
SUSIE Q 28-10

Purdue at Penn State
You guessed it….
Another Big Ten or whatever game means “another” rivalry trophy
This game is played for the coveted “Joe Pa’s Dentures”
Which have bit the Boilermakers in the ass ever since the Lions joined the Big Ten.
Some things never change…
JOE PA’S LIONS 34-10

Louisville at Cincinnati
This Battle on the Ohio River is called “The Battle for the Keg of Nails”
And the winner of the game gets a…..
“Keg of Nails”
I think this game is sponsored by Home Depot
BEARKATS 28-24

South Carolina at Mississippi State
The Roosters and the Bulldogs sounds like a fight in the barnyard..
And that’s exactly what it will be too.
GAMECOCKS 24-20

Miami at North Carolina
These two teams confuse the hell out of me.
One week they look great and the next week…
They couldn’t beat the Breaux Bridge dance Academy
This one is a tossup
TAR HEELS 24-21

Navy at Rutgers
The Last team the Midshipmen went to New Jersey the local fans booed them…
That’s right…
They Booed the Midshipmen from the United States Naval Academy while the country is at war in two countries. I hope the Midshipmen haven’t forgotten it, I damn sure haven’t forgotten.
MIGHTY MIDSHIPMEN 31-24

Gardner Webb at Presbyterian
I have promised you loyal readers that I would have pictures of the Blue Ho’s Cheerleaders

I can’t tell if those ladies are cold or are they just big Smurf fans?
BLUE HO’S 34-17

UNLV at Wyoming
The Rebel’s haven’t been doing too much running and the Cowboys seem to have lost their horses, so this game is all about, who sucks worse than the other guys.
COWBOY UP! 21-17

Appalachian State at Citadel
The Mountaineers are going to take a rolled up newspaper and spank the Bulldogs.
MOUNTAINEERS 38-10

LSU at Tennessee
Last year…
The Volunteers had the Tigers beat in Death Valley until “simple math” raised its ugly head.
This one will be closer than you might think, a lot closer
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-21

Wabash at Oberlin
This game brings up a very interesting question….
I wonder if Oberlin can play the Wabash Cannonball.

I can almost hear Ole Roy Acuff singing now…

“Oh listen to the jingle
The rumble and the roar
As she glides along the woodlands
Through the hills and by the shore
Hear the mighty rush of her engine
Hear that lonesome hobo’s call
We’re travelling through the jungles
On the Wabash Cannonball”

Forgive me I was having a flashback there for a moment…
WABASH CANNONBALL 28-21

Furman at Georgia Southern
The Eagles of Southern continue their dominance for another week…
After a soundly thrashing of Furryman.
I wonder if that’s Chewbacca’s cousin.
SOUTHERN EAGLES 38-24

Florida State at Duke
Last week the Mighty Seminoles proved they weren’t so mighty after all…
They get their confidence back this week…
SEMINOLES 44-10

Rice at Marshall
Sorry Hoot Owls….
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-17

Jackson State at Mississippi Valley State
The Delta Devils get Deviled Egged in this one…
WALTER’S TIGERS 38-17

Northern Arizona at Montana State
The Lumberjacks of Arizona get chopped down by the pesky Bobcats
Believe it
BOBCATS 34-28

Eastern Michigan at Central Michigan
This instate Michigan Rivalry is played each year for the “Michigan MAC Trophy”
Not to be confused for the “Chili Mac and Cheese Trophy”
That thing is delicious
CHIPPEWA’S 28-24

Carleton at St. Olaf
This is a BIG Rivalry game and I’m not joking…
It’s called “The Cereal Bowl” and it’s played for The Goat Trophy and The Cereal Bowl Trophy
(Stop laughing, I’m serious)
ST OLES 31-28

Portland State at Montana
Last year the Vikings upset the Mighty Grizzlies….
Not this year
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 38-17

Juniata at Ursinus
If you think I am going to make a joke about Juanita having a Urine infection, you are wrong!
It’s a sinus infection
J-LO 24-17

South Florida at Connecticut
The Boy’s from Tampa get back to their winning ways this week
And that’s …
NO BULL 33-17

Colorado at Washington
This game isn’t too difficult to pick…
Since the Buffalo’s haven’t won a road game since William McKinley was President
HUSKIES 28-17

Miami (OH) at Kent State
Another Battle in the Buckeye state and this will be a good one…
It’s played each year for the “Kent State Sucks Trophy”
People up there like to think of it as a “Win-Win” kind of a thing…
REDHAWKS 31-28

Central Florida at Southern Methodist
The Boy’s from O-Town (Not the defunct musically challenged boy band)
Get a rude welcome to Mustang Country
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34

Ball State at Ohio
The Cats really let me down last week….
It looked like they were rolling to an undefeated season.
They will have to fight the Birds to get back to their winning ways.
It’s going to be close
FRANK’S CATS 28-24

Ohio State at Illinois
This Big Ten or whatever Rivalry is played for the “Illibuck”
To be honest, it kind of looks like a tangerine that has gone bad
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 31-17

Georgia Tech at Virginia
The Rambling Wreck will continue to Ramble until they meet the Mighty Clemson Tigers
YELLOW JACKETS 28-17

Montana Western at North Dakota
I know picks like this just drive the NCAA Speech Police crazy…
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-10

UTEP at Tulane
I get emails all the time from the Green Wave faithful asking…
“Are we going to win any games this year?”
And the answer is always the same….
No, no you will not…
MINERS 33-17

Tennessee Martin at South Alabama
I know, I know…
I do love Mobile Alabama, it’s one of my favorite places in the whole world
But the boys from Martin have a gunslinger at Quarterback this year…
Believe it..
SKYHAWKS 43-10

Western Kentucky at Florida Atlantic
In the immortal words of the great rural philosopher Forrest Gump…
“This game is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get”
Ain’t it the truth
HILLTOPPERS 24-17

Eastern Illinois at Murray State
This game is between the Panthers and the Racers…
I’m a 100 yard dash man…
RACERS 28-24

New Mexico at Nevada
I think the Lobo’s are on the down low for a yo-yo with a Hobo.
I’m not really sure what that means, but that was all I had for this game.
WOLFPACK 38-28

Oklahoma State at Texas
I don’t want to think about it…
COWBOY UP! 38-24

North Texas at Louisiana Lafayette
U La La is going to get an unhealthy dose of the….
MEAN GREEN 38-17

Boise State at Colorado State
The Bronco’s won’t get Rammed this week…
Not by a long shot
BRONCO’S 43-10

Carson Newman at North Greenville
Spark’s Boys are back on track after winning last week…
Let’s I hope it continues, I’m counting on it
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-31

Alabama at Ole Miss
Houston you have a problem….
The Big Red Elephants are coming to town…
CRIMSON TIDE 31-14

Virginia Tech at Wake Forest
The Demon Deacons upset the Mighty Seminoles last week….
No such luck this week
HOKEY POKEY 28-17

Georgia at Vanderbilt
Everybody counted the Mighty Bulldogs out except Yours Truly…
There are days my own genius even scares me…
SIC EM DAWGS 31-17

Northwestern at Iowa
It seems like every Tom, Dick and Harry is picking the Wildcats over the Hawkeyes…
Those aren’t my names so I’m under no obligation to follow the crowd on this one
HAWKEYES 28-21

Kansas State at Texas Tech
One question for the Red Raider faithful….
“Do you miss Coach Mike Leach yet?”
If not, you’re about to…
WILDCATS 28-21

Texas A&M Kingsville at Incarnate Word
Well Excuse Me! So you are the ONLY ones that have the Incarnate Word?
I just can’t pick a team that is predicated on such arrogance.
KING TOWN 28-10

Clemson at Maryland
The Mighty Tigers are going to scuff up the Linoleum tile Turtles
And not in a “nice” way….
DABO’S TIGERS 34-17

Florida at Auburn
I didn’t think I would say this two weeks ago….
But this game could go either way.
It’s True
GATOR CHOMP 28-24

East Carolina at Memphis
Say it with me…..
“Elvis has left the building….”
PIRATES 24-17

Occidental at Pomona Pitzer
Do you ever wonder what would happen if you..
“Occidentally took a Pomona Pitzer instead of a laxative?”
Never mind….
POMONA P 21-17

Stanford at Washington State
The Cougars might win this game…..
If the Cardinal plane gets diverted to Detroit
CARDINAL 43-17

UAB at Tulsa
Before any of my friends in Birmingham ask…
“No”, the Blazers will not win another game this year
Sorry….
O’ SO GOLDEN HURRICANES 34-17

Idaho at New Mexico State
The “Ida-Honkies” visits the Land of Lasso Larry and the Aggies…
Sounds like a Party to me…
LASSO LARRY 28-24

Oklahoma at Kansas
This game is going to get uglier than two for one Beer night at the Bowling Alley
BOOMER SOONERS 43-10

Utah State at Fresno State
There are a lot of people that think the Bulldogs have thrown in the towel this year…
I am one of them
AGGIES 31-28

Arizona State at Oregon
I had every intention of watching this marquee matchup in the PAC (Whatever)
But Richard Simmons has a “new” DVD that he is previewing on QVC, it’s called….
“Breaking a Hip to the Oldies”
QUACKERS 7-6

Iowa State at Missouri
This Big 12 (Light) Rivalry game is played for the coveted …
“Telephone Trophy”…..
The funny thing is….
Most of the players on the teams don’t even know what the hell an old “telephone” looks like

MO KNOWS AT&T 24-21

Brigham Young at Oregon State
I know the Cougars have been rolling lately…
But I still believe in the Power of the Almighty Beaver
MIGHTY BEAVERS 28-24

Enjoy your games…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator started out with a Bang and then fizzled out like a wet firecracker going 60 and 14 or 81%.

That leaves the CFB Wizard at 254 and 45 or 85% for the first four weeks of the season.

It’s no time to cry over spilled guacamole dip, we have a lot to discuss…

So let’s get to it

Enjoy your Picks….

HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER OF THE WEEK

His name is Gabe Gunter and he attends Pleasant Home High School near Andalusia, Alabama

He is a 6 Ft 5 in. 230 pound Senior with above average speed for a big guy.
Gabe is the quarterback, safety and the punter on the team.
In his first four games at Quarterback he threw for 4 touchdowns and ran for two touchdowns. After several requests the coach let him play safety the last two games and he intercepted 4 passes. His longest punt in the game was for 50 yards.
The team is currently ranked 23d in the state.

Gabe also pitches and plays Right-Field on his High School baseball team.
He pitches in the 88mph to low 90 Mph range and has already has a verbal commitment on a baseball scholarship to Virginia Tech. He has been made the New York Mets High School Scout Team the past 2 years and also been invited to the Los Angeles Dodgers Florida Diamond Club Event the last 2 years. He has also received invitations for private work-outs with the New York Mets, Kansas City Royals, Arizona Diamondbacks and the Atlanta Braves.
He has been ranked in the TOP 500 in the Nation by the World Wood Bat Association (WWBA) for the past 3 years and was at one time ranked #93 in the nation and 24 in the State of Florida.

He is an outstanding student with a 3.3 GPA from and outstanding family.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL OBSERVATIONS

Loyal reader, Oregon State Beaver Alumni and good friend “Beaver Jim” had these observations on his experiences at the recent Oregon State – Wisconsin game as well as his attendance at the University of South Carolina and Naval Academy game.
I greatly enjoy his insight and I think you will too.
Enjoy…………..
I have had the good fortune the last two weeks to spend the last two Saturdays in the temples of college football.

Two weeks ago, I traveled to Camp Randall Stadium for the Beavers against Wisconsin, and last weekend to Williams-Bryce for the Gamecock-Midshipmen game.

I was struck by the severe contrasts between the two experiences, as well as my memories of traveling to Penn State, Cincinnati, Louisville, Oregon, and games in Corvallis, and thought I might share some thoughts. These likely will reinforce your own views on the subject.

The experience in Wisconsin was different to say the least. It is an urban campus with multi-lane streets cutting right through campus. However, there is NO parking around the stadium. Instead, they have a series of shuttle buses that run from the “ramps” (their word for parking structures) around the area. Most people just walk a couple miles. “Tailgating” was not very much in evidence, although being a college town there were a large number of bars and liquor stores in the area.

The game started at 11am central, which makes it hard for the hung-over students to get to the game on time. One section of the north end zone seats (student section) was filled about 20 minutes before the game. This expanded to the lower parts of four sections by kickoff, with all of the seats filled by the 2nd quarter. For 75,000 people, they were not all that loud. The most excitement was from the “jump-around” at the end of the 3rd quarter, when they play a song, the students jump around, then most leave to resume drinking I presume. The stadium had been expanded, but unfortunately that did not include increases in the concessions or restroom facilities. They were supplemented with port-a-potties in the stadium, but even those had huge lines.

Everyone was very polite and one of the highlights was getting to talk to Barry Alvarez the day before the game. He looks just like his statue in front of the stadium, except he doesn’t wear the tennis shoes anymore that are immortalized in bronze on his feet in the statue.

Fast forward to last Saturday at Columbia.
I had heard about SEC tailgating, but I had to see it to believe it.
It was as if the environs of Williams-Bryce became a new city. Tents, food, and big-screen TVs in the backs of vehicles (to watch the other games), were all over the place.
While Wisconsin fans were all dressed in red (by directive from the coach), it still did not compare to the vast array of garnet in Columbia. Most of the college girls were wearing black skirts with garnet tops and team jerseys were everywhere. The atmosphere was electric at the game and really does not compare to other places I have watched games (except maybe a few times in Corvallis). The band, the crowd, the fireworks and the noise were spectacular. Oregon State only can seat 45,000, but it gets really loud due to the cover over the grandstands. The cover reflects sound back onto the field and it is deafening. I did not think that level of sound was possible in an open stadium, but the fans in the fourth quarter were up to the challenge and affected even the middies on the field.

My conclusion is that while there are scores of fans up north and out west that love football, but there is nowhere near the number as there are in the SEC on any given Saturday.

Jim

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Hello again from the Heart of SEC Country!!!
It’s been a rough stretch for our hometown heroes, the Telfair County Trojans.
After a tough game against Turner County our team took on the Wilcox County Patriots. Although the score doesn’t indicate the fight these boys have in them.
We actually put up a touchdown this week before going down to defeat 56 – 6.
We may not be a power house team like Valdosta, Lowndes, or Parkview, but these kids have fight in them and a never say die attitude. McRae, Workmore, Helena, and all of Telfair County are PROUD OF THE TROJANS!!!

Around the SEC. The Georgia Bulldogs took on the Ole Miss Rebels and won on Saturday to bump their record up to 2-2 at the first furlong. The Clark County Cow College piled up the yards, but never really put the game away against this clearly inferior opponent. And Blair Walsh shanked 3 field goal attempts to “boot”. Mississippi was coming off of a sound thrashing at the hands of Vandy, so, the way they hung around in this game should give some folks up in Athens pause for reflection.

Across the border in Tuscaloosa, The Crimson Tide put a sound, country whipping on the Hogs from Fayetteville. The Boys from Bama were held scoreless in the 4th quarter, but by that time the second and third teamers were getting some playing time.

Up in Lexington, the Gainesville Swamp Boys skinned the Kentucky Cats for their 4th win of the season. Mark 8 o’clock Saturday night on your calendars ladies and gents because a week 5 showdown is looming large. What I would give to be in Gainesville for this East meets West showdown of Bama vs Florida in a no holds barred cage match.
And lastly, the Columbia War Chickens almost laid an egg against a tough Vandy team. Questions abound after watching this one. Is Vandy that good or is Garcia that bad?
Is Spurrier losing his touch? The Ingram, Lattimore, Clowney show again pulled the Columbians out of the fire but when will the luck run out?
Stay Tuned for further information as it develops.

Elsewhere, the Slide Rule Jocks from the North side of Atlanta stung the Tar Heels from Chapel Hill in an ACC matchup. I watched part of that game but am not entirely convinced that the Jackets are the power that their record and stats say they are. Apparently, the pollsters don’t think so either. Tech finally got some love the pollsters last week to pop in at number 25. They only moved up 4 notches this week, to number 21. I’d say these pollsters are saying, show me the money, and show it to me for a while. Their first real test comes against Clemson on October 29th. Let’s see what happens then.

The Golden Domer’s traveled to Pitt to take on a Panthers team that again seems to be both de-clawed and neutered. It’s always tough to win on the road, but, come on. Pitt? I’m sure they’re excited up in South Bend just to be .500. I’m surprised that the pollsters haven’t taken notice and bumped them into the polls.

The Silver Nuts took on the Bison of Colorado and got back to their winning ways. Yep, 2 wins over 2 FBS schools and another against a PAC-12 also ran. I know their hearts are swelling with pride in Columbus.

And, what happened to Lame Kitten’s Roman Empire? The Trojans traveled to Arizona to take on the Sun Devils and were fried like an egg on hot asphalt. Rome fell.
Looks like Lame may not be far behind.

And finally, this……
I’m calling it the Peach State Prognostication.
I’m going to make a weekly prediction on the game at the end of the season which is called fondly, “Good Old Fashioned Hate.” But the twist is that the weekly prediction will be based on what’s happened up to this point, weekly, in the season. So, here goes.

I’m calling it 31-28 Georgia Tech. This is based on the fact that, although Tech hasn’t really had any hard tests to this point, they are, in fact rolling. The Dogs have had a couple of bumps in the road earlier in the season against stiff competition, but, to date, still haven’t gotten their sea legs. Not only are the bees running the ball well, but they’re passing it too, which makes them very dangerous. As I’ve said before, no matter what kind of season the Hounds have, they always seem to find a way to wreck the Wreck but it feels a little different this year. Both teams need to step it up on defense or it could turn into an all out slug fest.

Let’s see what happens the rest of the season.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

CORRECTION: When I am wrong I admit it.
Last week I wrote concerning the Southern California – Arizona State game;
“The Sun Devils are the favored team in this game and I was perplexed as to which team to pick.
So I asked my Black Lab “Doc” who he thought would win.
He looked at the computer screen for about a minute and then licked his butt….
That’s good enough for me
LAME KITTEN’S TROJANS 24-21”

I confronted my Black Lab “Doc” after reviewing the scores on Sunday morning and asked him how he could have misled me on this game.
Doc proceeded to inform me that when he licked his butt he was letting me know that he didn’t care for either team.

All the “signs” were there, I just wasn’t paying attention.

My apologies on the pick and for doubting my loyal companion “Doc”

AUBURN: Like a lot of athletics directors, Auburn’s Jay Jacobs likes to stay in touch with his fan base through periodic newsletters in which he touches on a variety of topics.

Jacobs’ latest communication last Wednesday included one of his favorite talking points: Blaming former coach Tommy Tuberville for the youth and inexperience on this year’s football team.
Jacobs didn’t name Tuberville. He never does, but he doesn’t have to when he makes the following statements:

“Our youth and inexperience is not an excuse. It is a fact. Consider the following: Auburn signed a total of 58 players in the 2007 and 2008 recruiting classes (the classes that are this year’s fourth- and fifth-year seniors). Only nine players from those two classes remain. Roughly half of the players who signed in 2007 and 2008 either never enrolled at Auburn, quit or transferred.”

EDITORS NOTE: I have a couple of thoughts on this….
When did Coach Tommy Tub coach at Auburn, like three years ago?
You know, I couldn’t help but notice that Jay Jacobs didn’t give Coach Tub any credit when they won the 2010 National Championship.
But I bet when the War Eagles have to give back that National Championship and Heisman Trophy it will Tommy Tubs fault.

CARSON NEWMAN: Damn it Eagles, you lost to “New” Berry.
How could you possibly lose to people that don’t have an Ernest T. Bass in town.

MARYLAND: I don’t know which is worse….
Your 1970’s linoleum kitchen floor motif helmets and mismatched uniforms or the fact you LOST to Temple.

JUNIATA: Juanita, I am sorry Franklin Marshall roughed you up last week, that man is a cad.

ARMY: Just for the record, you aren’t helping my weekly average out a damn bit.

SOUTHERN MISS: Great win over the Virginia Cavaliers last week and….
I told you so.

OREGON STATE: Damn it Beavers….Damn it.

NEW MEXICO STATE: Let me be sure I have this right Lasso Larry…
You beat the Minnesota Gophers and then you lose to San Jose…
You are schizophrenic aren’t you Larry?

SAM HOUSTON STATE: I knew Sam Houston would win the game last week when I saw his opponent was “New Mexico”, and in case you didn’t know…
Sam Houston is still undefeated against the Mexicans.

FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL: I told you Panthers to play the “Hilton” not “Howard Johnson”
That’s why you lost….

MINNESOTA: You Gophers are looking a little less Golden lately….
I’m just saying….

INDIANA: The Big Ten Loosiers lost to the Mean Green of Denton Texas….
Just like I said they would, no need to thank me

CLEMSON: I want to apologize to my adopted Clemson Tiger Family and to the Mighty Tiger Nation.
I recorded the score backwards last week meaning to pick the Tigers over the Seminoles, but I was having a dyslexic moment.

MIAMI: So Hurricanes….
You beat the pants off the Buckeyes one week and lose to the Cats of Kansas State the next?
You are as schizophrenic as Lasso Larry aren’t you?
Have you two been hanging out together or what?

DUMB and DUMBER
Your “Dumb and Dumber” Moment this week…..
Comes from none other than CBS College Football “commentators” Vern Lundquist and Gary Danielson in the following exchange during the Arkansas – Alabama game.

Gary Danielson: “Alabama has won its SEC opener for the 20th consecutive season
Vern Lundquist: “That’s a pretty good mark”

EDITORS NOTE: No Kidding Dumbass….

THE GAMES

Thursday September 29th

Texas Southern at Jackson State
The game features Tigers and more Tigers….
The Great Walter Payton went to Jackson State and that’s good enough for me
WALTER’S TIGERS 28-17

Houston at UTEP
The Miners might win this game…..
And I might discover “Victoria’s Secret”
Neither of which are very likely
MIGHTY COUGARS 38-17

South Florida at Pittsburgh
The Panthers of Pitt are playing some really good football..
That is if they were a Pee-Wee Team and they were all eight years old
And that’s…
NO BULL 33-10

Friday September 30th

Utah State at Brigham Young
Another Rivalry game in the Land of Donny and Marie
This one is called “The Battle of the Brothers”
At the moment I am feeling less country and a little more Rock and Roll
COUGARS 28-21

Saturday October 1st

Northwestern at Illinois
You guessed it….
Another Big Ten Rivalry Game!
And it is played for the coveted “Sweet Sioux Tomahawk”
As opposed to the “Diet Sioux Tomahawk” or the “Bittersweet Sioux Tomahawk”
(I can do this all day)
WILDCATS 28-24

Toledo at Temple
The Hoot Owls beat Maryland last week and the Rockets got treated like Jodie Foster in “The Accused” on their visit to Syracuse. This is going to be a fight
HOOTERS 31-28

MIT at UMass Dartmouth
I didn’t know the Mississippi Institute of Technology had a football team!
I thought they just taught people how to retread tires and how to pump a septic tank.
Who knew?
DART DOWN 24-17

Minnesota at Michigan
Yippee! Another Big Ten Rivalry game!
This game has been played every year since 1903…
It’s played for “The Little Brown Jug”
Whatever is in that jug has to be pretty stout by now
WOLVERINES 43-17

Texas Tech at Kansas
The Red Raiders invades Kansas…
I have no idea why they want to pick on a 70’s musical group
But “Carry on my wayward son” I think they will be “Dust in the Wind”
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 38-17

Penn State at Indiana
You have to love the Big Ten Rivalry games…
This game is played for “Joe Pa’s Dentures”
Which will stay in Joe Pa’s mouth until the Loosiers decide they don’t want to play football anymore
JOE’S LIONS 38-10

Rutgers at Syracuse
I ‘m serious….
I really don’t care about this game
I really don’t
OTTO THE ORANGE 33-24

North Alabama at Southern Arkansas
The Blazers get torched by the Lions
Believe it
MIGHTY LIONS 34-21

Tulane at Army
Damn it Army I am picking you for the last damn time…
Don’t disappoint me or I make you fall under the Department of the Navy…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 28-24

Mississippi State at Georgia
Cats and Dogs….
That’s the Southeastern Conference
SIC EM DAWGS 28-24

Air Force at Navy
This is a Big game that decides the “Commander Chief’s Trophy”
Now….
If we only had a Commander in Chief to go with the Trophy
MIDSHIPMEN 33-28

Kentucky at LSU
This game is going to be uglier than Hillary Clinton and Rosie O’Donnell in a game of Twister
(Please Notice I didn’t say “Nude” Twister)
That visual would have had me throwing up for weeks
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 43-10

Wake Forest at Boston College
This Atlantic Coast Conference Game is played each year for the…
“Nobody Cares Trophy”
Because they don’t
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 24-17

Buffalo at Tennessee
If you are wondering why the Volunteers are playing Buffalo…
It’s because they couldn’t schedule the East Bernard Dance Academy
VOWELS 143-0

Cincinnati at Miami (OH)
This instate rivalry game in the Buckeye State is played of for the…
“We wish we were The Ohio State Buckeyes” Trophy
I think the trophy looks like Woody Hayes, which is cool
KATS of BEARS 33-17

Georgia Southern at Elon
The Phoenix are shakier than Janet Reno….
Who by the way can really shake a martini if you are ever at a party..
I’m just saying…
SOUTHERN EAGLES 43-10

John Hopkins at Juniata
I used to know a Johnny Hopkins!
He used to smoke pot behind the gym and he never went to class…
But he did know all the words to “Smoke on the Water”
I wonder if it’s the same guy?
J-LO 24-23

Kent State at Ohio
This “other” rivalry game in the Buckeye state is played for the coveted…
“It Sucks to be You” Trophy
The trophy looks like a pair of wax lips attached to an avocado…
Which I find unusually creepy
FRANK’S CATS 33-28

Nevada at Boise State
If you like high powered offenses then this is your game…
BRONCO’S 98-96

North Dakota at Southern Utah
Two words for the politically correct speech police at the NCAA…..
FIGHTING SIOUX! 38-17

Appalachian State at Wofford
Chewbacca get’s skinned by the Mountaineers
(Film at 11)
MOUNTAINEERS 31-17

Northern Colorado at Montana
The Grizzlies get back to their winning ways this week….
Believe it
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 33-28

Marshall at Louisville
The Cardinals are too Strong for the Thundering Herd
CARDINALS 28-14

Arizona at Southern California
This old PAC 10 rivalry is played each year for the…..
“Chimichanga Hat”
Which looks like a hat with a turd on it if you ask me…..
Forget I mentioned it
LAME TROJANS 24-17

Bowling Green at West Virginia
The folks in Morgantown have had lighter fluid and couches standing by since last week…
Fire it up…
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

Ursinus at Moravian
If you ask me….
This game sounds like a moron has a urine infection…
MORON’S 21-17

Southern Methodist at Texas Christian
This game is a bitter (Bitter) rivalry in the greater Fort Worth Texas Metro Area
It’s been played every year since 1925 and it’s played for the “Iron Skillet”
This game is the “Battle for the Iron Skillet”
It’s a war….
HORNED FROGS 34-28

Idaho at Virginia
I don’t think the “Ida Honkies” travel with the Idaho football team..
Which is sad, if you think about it
CAVALIERS 33-17

Georgia Tech at North Carolina State
The Rambling Wreck keeps on rambling for another week….
YELLOW JACKETS 38-10

Towson at Maryland
The colored blind nightmare that is the Turtles of Maryland get back to their winning ways..
By beating the daylights out of an Academy of Music Theory and Interpretive Dance
Rock On…
MULTI-COLORED TURTLES 55-0

Southern Connecticut at Assumption
Assumption? What am I suppose to “assume” here?
I am going to “assume” they don’t know squat about football…
SOUTH CONNIE 33-17

Northern Illinois at Central Michigan
You may not believe it….
But this game is going to be a shoot-out….
HUSKIES 43-38

Michigan State at Ohio State
This game is going to separate the men from the boys in the Big Ten or Twelve (Whatever)
BUCKEYES 24-21

Baylor at Kansas State
I know….
The Wildcats beat the Hurricanes of Miami last week….
But this team is from Texas…
DA BEARS 34-17

Washington State at Colorado
If you are up this late watching this game between two teams that couldn’t fight their way out of a wet paper bag, then I have but one thing to say…..
You didn’t drink enough during the Alabama – Florida game that was broadcast earlier
BUFFALOS 5-4

Western Michigan at Connecticut
You may not believe this….
But I really don’t care
HUSKIES 28-24

Bethune-Cookman at Miami
Seriously? The “mighty” Ineligible Hurricanes scheduled this team?
What, the Miami School for the Blind wasn’t available?
CANES 146-0

Sacramento State at Montana State
I know my University of Montana Grizzle fans won’t like this pick…
Sorry….
BOBCATS 33-28

San Jose State at Colorado State
I was trying to remember why this game was important….
O’ Yeah, it isn’t….
Never mind
RAMS 28-24

Susquehanna at Muhlenberg
I have to talk to my staff at the CFB Wizard…..
They send me “Susie and the Mule Boy” to pick for a game…
Are you kidding me?
But you have to admit, it does sounds like a nasty carnival sideshow…
(Sorry for the visual, this is a family column)
MULE BOY 21-17

Clemson at Virginia Tech
The Tigers are hotter than a stolen Cadillac…
Which by the way I did time once for in my youth, aren’t you glad I’m reformed?
DABO’S TIGERS 34-24

Texas at Iowa State
It’s time for my Beloved Longhorns to start the stampede.
The Sooners are next week…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 33-17

Hawaii at Louisiana Tech
This game may very well answer the eternal question that has eluded researchers for years..
Why did the Rainbow Warrior Cross the road?
To watch Dog the Bounty Hunter on A&E on Wednesday nights in the Fall
That’s good enough for me
BOUNTY HUNTING WARRIORS on RAINBOWS 43-34

Duke at Florida International
I wouldn’t call this an upset special….
Unless you prefer the Holiday Inn Express
HILTON PANTHERS 34-28

Memphis at Middle Tennessee State
The Boys from the Land of Elvis are “All Shook Up”
BLUE RAIDERS 33-17

UAB at Troy
This fierce instate battle in the Great State of Alabama isn’t played for any trophy’s or petrified rhino turds….
This game is way more important than that; it’s bragging rights.
And before you ask…..
“Yes” we are that damn serious about our football…..
HELEN of TROY 31-24

North Texas at Tulsa
It’s Texas and Oklahoma on a smaller scale….
But the Hate is just as Hot….
MEAN GREEN 33-31

Jacksonville State at Murray State
I was going to go with the mighty Pacers in this game….
But something tells me the boys from J-Ville Alabama are ready….
GAMECOCKS 38-34

Ball State at Oklahoma
I like to refer to this game as….
An Oklahoma Ass Whipping of Biblical Proportions…
BOOMER SOONERS 155-3

Carson Newman at Wingate
I knew a rich kid in elementary school named “Wingate”……
I stole his bicycle….
SPARK’S EAGLES 43-21

Washington at Utah
This game makes me wonder…..
I wonder if the Two Utes shop in the Husky Men’s section of K-Mart.
I’m just asking…
TWO UTES 33-28

Rice at Southern Miss
I picked the Mighty Golden Eagles last week in an Upset Special…
This won’t be an Upset, but it’s just as Special
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

Nebraska at Wisconsin
Believe it or not…
This is the first of two games between these teams; they will see each other again in the conference championship game
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 28-24

North Carolina at East Carolina
There are far too many directions on the map in this game to suit me…
TAR HEELS 28-24

New Mexico State at New Mexico
This instate rivalry in the Land of Sand is called…
“The Rio Grande Rivalry”
It’s played for “The Maloof Trophy”
(Yes, I’m serious)
If you ask me it looks like a possum on a stick…
LASSO LARRY 34-31

LaGrange at Rhodes
LaGrange……
In the Words of ZZ Top…
HAWWWW..HAWWWWWW….HAWWWW…
THE CHICKEN RANCH 33-17

EDITORS NOTE: If you are keeping count…
“Yes” that is my second ZZ Top reference in as many weeks….

Notre Dame at Purdue
This rivalry in the state of Indiana is played for the…..
“Shillelagh Trophy”

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t feel bad….
I thought it looked rather disgusting too
FIGHTING IRISH 34-17

Ole Miss at Fresno State
I won’t call this an upset special….
The Ole Miss faithful are upset enough
BULLDOGS 33-17

Oregon State at Arizona State
I haven’t been this disappointed in Beaver’s since High School….
And “No” I don’t want to talk about it
DEVILS of the SUN 38-17

Valdosta State at Arkansas – Monticello
I have picked enough cotton in my day to hate Boll Weevil’s….
Enough Said…
BLAZERS 43-24

UCLA at Stanford
If you think I care about this game, then you don’t know me very well
CARDINAL 6-3

Alabama at Florida
This game in the Swamp is going to be a Slobber Knocker
Believe it
CRIMSON TIDE 23-17

Arkansas at Texas A&M
This Old Southwest Conference Rivalry…
(Remember them?)
Is called the Southwest Classic…
This is college football at its finest and it’s a shoot out
HAWGS 33-28

Auburn at South Carolina
I don’t know which drunken bird is going to hit the Plexiglas in Williams Brice Stadium first…
My Guess?
GAMECOCKS 38-21

Enjoy your games….

POST GAME COMMENTARY

You may not think this commentary has anything to do with enjoying our College Football Saturday’s, but it has everything to do with it.

Thursday is Saint Michael’s Day (No, that day is NOT named after me)

In 2006 a heck of a fight was going on in Iraq for the control of Al Anbar province.

That was only five years ago.

There were a lot of casualties during that fight; this video is about one of them.

Mikey was a damn good man, and I don’t want anybody to forget him.

Click here to view the embedded video.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I read each and every one of your emails
The “good” ones and the “bad” ones…

So let me say this…

We are only into the third week of the 2011 college football season

Its way too early for some of you to be swimming laps in the anxiety pool.
So take a deep breath and relax

For just a minute there, I thought you were going to hyperventilate.

Yes I am talking to you…
(You in the blue shirt don’t act like you don’t hear me)

Enough about that…..
Last week I was 64 and 10 or a rather “average” 86% this time of the year.
That leaves us at 142 and 20 or 88% after two weeks in the season.
We have a lot going on in the Sunshine State this weekend so let’s get to it.

Enjoy your picks..

Quote from Memory Lane

“I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me and he said:
“Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren’t any good.”

Walt Garrison – Oklahoma State University and the Dallas Cowboys

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from Telfair County, home of the Telfair County Trojans!!!

I’m happy to report that the boys representing Telfair County pulled out a hard earned victory against Atkinson County in a non-region matchup. Our quarterback, Kevin Clark, was dialed in and went 4 of 8 for 52 yards, including a 22 yard touchdown strike to receiver Albert White. Additionally, our workhorse running back, Rashawn Mackey, got to the century mark in running yards to carry the rest of the load. This is our first win of the young season after going 0-2 and ends a 12 game winless streak dating back to 2009. We play in a tough Region 2A conference and look forward to a successful season.

Now on to our college football recap.
As I’m sure all are aware, the home state Bulldogs fell to the Gamecocks of South Carolina on Saturday. I don’t know about anyone else but to say I was dumbfounded is an understatement. I couldn’t figure out which was worse, coming away with 2 field goals when we should have hung 21 points of our feathered friends, or letting Mr All Defensive player of the century in high school football last year, Jadaveon Clowney, come in untouched and throw Aaron Murray around like a rag doll all the while coughing up the ball. Or how about letting Melvin Ingram personally destroy us with not only a fake punt for a touchdown but also picking up the aforementioned Mr Murray’s fumble and waltz in for a touchdown? Not only will these Dawgs not hunt, I don’t even think they can find their way out from under the front porch.
Thank God for FCS teams and Coastal Carolina being next on the schedule.

And speaking of debacles, how about the Not Far From Done Irish?
Did they really lose that game?
Coach Kelly will have an aneurism, heart attack, stroke, and seizure before the end of the season.
And how about those Auburn Tigers?
They need to contact their brethren in South Bend and request that they send them those pretty clovers for their helmets. The luck won’t last the entire season. But, also, did anybody in the stadium think anyone other than Relf was going to run the ball for Mississippi State at the end of the game? How creative.

Big game for the Texas Longhorns and their revolving quarterback(s).
They used no less than 3. They’d better make sure they have that little issue resolved with the meat and potatoes of the Big Something schedule not far off. Finally, there was Alabama at Penn State. I don’t think the valley was happy later on Saturday evening. I heard the real reason Joe Pa sat up in the press box was because he figured he’d get killed standing along the sidelines with some of those “big ole Alabama whipper snappers flyin around the field. Heck, I had lasik eye surgery and I still couldn’t see that Richardson fella zip my me!!!”

We’ve got a big SEC matchup coming up this weekend.
Tennessee and Florida.

My, I’d love to see those two fan bases do some breeding. Could you imagine?
An entire stadium filled with orange jorts, braided mullets, and no more than 3 teeth between them. There will never be a dental floss shortage with that crew. But there are many question marks as the Gators and Volunteers approach this big game. Chief among them being, what will Charlie Weiss “REALLY” look like in a pair of orange jorts. And among others, whether the UF offense has enough talent to take them to the Promised Land and is Live Oak Florida really the promised land? As for Tennessee, will Tyler Bray remain the accurate helmsman that he appears to be after he actually plays an SEC defense? Too early to tell, especially since the Vols have the Gators sandwiched between Cincy and Buffalo. Yes, that Buffalo, of the MAC. Of the 2 wins in their last 12 tries variety. I see competition written all over this game. Stay tuned to find out.

Lastly, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the most cerebral of games from the past weekend. Yes, it was the IQ bowl. An S.A.T.urday showdown between the Cranial’s.. er… Cardinals of Stanford and the Blue Devils of Duke. Stanford, with Luck at the quarterback position, was head and shoulders the best FOOTBALL team on the field. But, in the little known battle of athletic SAT scores, Duke pulled off the upset with an astounding 1588 to 1491 aggregate team average to win the prestigious Golden Gourde award.
Hats off to the Devils for a job well done.

Until next time,

I’m Harley Hanesworth

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS

LOUISVILLE: After last week’s game with the International Florida Panthers….
I would suggest staying at Howard Johnson’s next time…
Because that Hilton burned you more than once…

TEXAS A&M: I’m being serious….
Can’t we go to the movies and hold hands before we get married?
We hardly know each other

MINNESOTA: No disrespect intended to Coach Kill of Minnesota…
But I would have had a damn seizure too last Saturday if I was coaching the Gophers to a loss against Lasso Larry and the New Mexico State Aggies.

NEW MEXICO STATE: I never thought Lasso Larry could lasso a Ground Hog….
Shows you what I know…Great win Aggies, congratulations.

MISSOURI: Damn it MO, you were that close too…..

IOWA: Don’t start wigging out on me Hawkeye Fans….
There is some good news out of last week’s loss to instate rival Iowa State
You don’t have to bring home that “new” gay looking Cy-Hawk Trophy….

EDITORS NOTE: No need to thank me, I’m a glass half full kind of guy….

TEXAS: It does my heart good to see another McCoy and Shipley in a Longhorn uniform.

But as a side note…..
One of my Loyal Longhorn Followers sent the below picture in response to the picture that was sent some weeks ago from an Oklahoma Sooner, regarding the distain they have for the Texas Longhorns.

I love this time of year, don’t you?

MARIST: I don’t care how Buck treated you last Saturday; you are still a Red Fox.

PURDUE: We can be honest with one another can’t we Boilermakers?

I’m glad that we have that trust between us.
So in the spirit of truthfulness and honesty I tell you this….

You barely squeak by the Taxidermy and Farm Implement College from Middle Tennessee and then you lose to Rice…Seriously?

It’s going to be a long season Boilermakers.

Why you may ask, because you all suck that’s why.

UTAH: Next time Coach don’t just use one Ute in the game….
You have to use two Ute’s if you want to win, you should know that by now…

MISSISSIPPI STATE: BAD Dogs……

THE GAMES

Thursday September 15th

LSU at Mississippi State
This is a Classic Southeastern Conference Matchup
Cats and Dogs
It doesn’t get any better than this, hold on to your seats.
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 31-24

Friday September 16th

Iowa State at Connecticut
When I read that this game featured the “Cyclones and the Husky’s”
I thought…..
Why is a vacuum cleaner company and the “Big” kids section at K-Mart sponsoring this game?
CYCLONES 38-31

Boise State at Toledo
Here is a viewing suggestion…..
If you are channeling surfing and you are in the mood to see a college football team get the living hell beaten out of them by a far superior team, then look no further than this game!
MIGHTY BRONCO’S 141-0

Saturday September 17th

Eastern Washington at Montana
There is no way that an eagle can whip a Grizzly Bear…
I learned that from watching the National Geographic Channel
The Governors Cup goes too….
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 33-17

Oklahoma State at Tulsa
Here is the great news that will come out of this game for Golden Hurricane Fans…
They prove that they are the Third Best College Football team in the Great State of Oklahoma!
The Bronze medal isn’t too bad, so congratulations!
COWBOY UP! 43-10

Utah at Brigham Young
This bitter instate rivalry is called “The Holy War” and it is played for the…
“Beehive Boot”
Why someone would put a Beehive in someone’s boot is beyond me..
Maybe they meant a “Beehive Hairdo in a Boot”
Now I get it….
TWO UTES and a BEEHIVE 31-17

South Carolina State at Indiana
Congratulations Hoosiers!
You found the South Carolina School for the Blind and got them on your schedule
It’s a little early for Homecoming in Loosier Land isn’t it?
LOOSIERS 28-14

Nevada at San Jose State
Say what you want about Jose, but if he is nothing else, he is certainly consistent..
Each and every Saturday he gets his ass kicked whether he wants too or not
WOLF PACK 44-10

Carson Newman at Lenoir-Rhyne
I think this is a miss-print….
I think this should read “Carson Newman at LeAnn Rimes”..
That bony gal doesn’t stand a chance in this game
SPARKS EAGLES 43-24

North Alabama and Abilene Christian
Cowboy Stadium
This is a classic matchup between two outstanding college football programs in Cowboy Stadium in Arlington Texas.
It’s a damn shame this game won’t be nationally televised, because it should be…
MIGHTY LIONS 33-31

West Virginia at Maryland
Before I make the selection on this game I have but one more comment to make concerning the Morgantown West Virginia City Council’s decision to pass a “law” that makes couch burning within the city limits a “felony”.

Seriously?

You had to pass this stupid law now, after I went to all the trouble to get a business license and set-up a second hand furniture store four blocks from the Mountaineer Stadium.
No wonder our economy’s in the tank, the damn government won’t let a man make a living.

“The Mountaineer Shop” was (past tense) going to be the “one-stop shopping” for West Virginia Mountaineer Football Fans….
It “was” going to sell…
Alcohol
Fireworks…
Second hand (Previously owned) Couches of all makes and models
Lighter Fluid and a variety of road flares (For safety) matches, lighters and Dura Flame Logs
And more alcohol….

Not to mention Mighty Mountaineer Game day clothing and apparel

Thanks a lot Jackass’s, you just cost me a small fortune

I will let you all know when I have my “Fire” sale….

LIGHT EM UP!
MOUNTAINEERS 31-28

Oklahoma at Florida State
With all due respect to the rest of the college football nation….
“This is the Game of the Week”
This could easily go either way….
I’m serious
BOOMER SOONERS 28-24

North Texas at Alabama
Three simple words sum this game up nicely….
“Roll Tide Roll”
CRIMSON TIDE 38-10

Coastal Carolina at Georgia
The Dawgs get back to their winning ways between the hedges…
But I am afraid it’s too little to late
SIC EM DAWGS 38-10

Michigan State at Notre Dame
There was a time and a place that this game between the Spartans and the Irish was a big deal
Unfortunately this isn’t the time or the place, sorry.
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 34-24

Washington at Nebraska
I will to be perfectly honest here…..
I have no idea which one of these teams is going to show up….
But I am willing to bet on the….
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 28-24

Stephen F. Austin at Baylor
It is against my religion to say anything derogatory about Stephen F. Austin.
He is the Father of the Republic of Texas….
Enough said….
BEAR DOWN 43-10

Duke at Boston College
This game between a bunch of smart kids reminds me of something.
You know what’s fun to hear smart kids say?
“Abacus”, as in: “Ok which one of you guys has been playing with my abacus?”
That never gets old for me…
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 31-28

Southeast Missouri State at Purdue
Enjoy this game “mighty” Boilermaker Fans!
It may be the last game you win all season….
BOILERMAKERS 24-17

Northwestern at Army
I don’t even think my singing the West Point Fight Song will change the outcome of this game…
The fact I don’t know all the words wouldn’t make any difference either..
WILDCATS 38-17

Southeastern Louisiana at Southern Miss
The Rand McNally Lions of Southeastern get tamed in Hattiesburg
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-17

Navy at South Carolina
I remember a time in 1984…..
The Gamecocks were the Number one team in the country and the Midshipmen…
Came to Columbia South Carolina and knocked them off….
This isn’t Déjà Vu all over again….
But it will be closer than what you might think
GAMECOCKS 34-24

Florida A&M at South Florida
The rattlers of A&M are in a rebuilding year or I would pick them to win
And that’s NO BULL
BULLS 31-21

Miami (OH) at Minnesota
Let me be sure I have this correct….
The O’ So Golden Gophers play the Southern California Trojans to the last play in a close game.
Then I write how “The Gophers are the real deal”….
Then you dumbass’s lose to New Mexico State and Lasso Larry at HOME.
This one is a tossup….
O’ SO VERY GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-17

EDITORS NOTE: I pray the “Big Ten Network” doesn’t televise the game between Purdue and Minnesota on October 8th. That may be the first ever game called because nobody gives a crap.

Wisconsin at Northern Illinois
I can’t put a happy face on this matchup; it’s just going to be ugly
BEHOLD THE POWER of CHESSE WHIZ 49-0

Western Illinois at Missouri
Typically when MO gets this mad either Curley or Larry get poked in the eye
Unfortunately this time it will be the Western Leathernecks…
MO’S TIGERS 41-10

Auburn at Clemson
Tigers, Tigers and More Tigers….
DABO’S TIGERS 43-34

Ohio State at Miami
These Days…
The Hurricanes can’t generate enough wind to qualify as a popcorn fart…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 31-14

Central Florida at Florida International
I am going with an UPSET SPECIAL on this game….
That Hilton kid with the Panthers is something special
PANTHERS 31-28

Northwestern State at Southern Methodist
My Ponies get saddled up and stampede the Demons of State
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-17

Syracuse at Southern California
The Trojans have played Houdini and escaped with wins the past two weeks…
Make it three weeks in a row…
LAME TROJANS 31-28

Hawaii at UNLV
This game begs the question…
(Other than why should we care, because we all know we don’t)
When does Dog the Bounty Hunter return to A&E for the 2011 Season?
I know it’s like I can read your mind sometimes
WARRIORS Bounty Hunting on RAINBOWS 33-24

Buffalo at Ball State
You know what it means when this game comes on television, don’t you?
It means you have at least three full hours to make another liquor and or beer run before the kickoff of the Tennessee – Florida game.
Glad I could help…
CARDINALS 41-10

Louisville at Kentucky
“The Battle for the Bluegrass”
This game is played for the Commonwealth Cup
There isn’t anything bigger than this in the Commonwealth of Kentucky on Saturday
This one is going to get downright hateful….
JOKERS CATS 24-21

Minot State at Montana State
Some of you may not be aware of this but…
Minot North Dakota has two seasons….
“Winter” and “Fourth of July”
Just so you know…
BOBCATS 43-10

Kansas at Georgia Tech
The Jayhawks football team couldn’t score at a women’s prison with a fist full of pardons.
Enough said…
YELLOW JACKETS 33-14

Central Michigan at Western Michigan
I have a sneaking suspicion that “someone” from Michigan is going to win this game…
CHIPPEWAS’S 31-28

Wyoming at Bowling Green
Simply put….
Cowboy Down
FALCONS 28-17

Houston at Louisiana Tech
The Bulldogs of Tech have one heck of a problem..
The Boys from H-Town are rolling into Ruston
MIGHTY COUGARS 38-17

Tennessee at Florida
This classic Southeastern Conference Rivalry game isn’t played for any stupid trophy.
But the game has all the ingredients of a classic rivalry game; it has an abundance of…
Hate….
More Hate…
Topped off with even more Hate and an unhealthy dose of animosity
Welcome to SEC Football….
MIGHTY GATORS 27-24

EDITORS NOTE: One screw-up by the gators and this game will go the other way..
Believe it…

Ole Miss at Vanderbilt
Call me crazy if you want too………….
The Mighty Commodores (without Lionel Richie) are going to be 3 and 0…
BRICKHOUSE COMMODORES 24-21

Pittsburgh at Iowa
The Hawkeyes faded in the fourth quarter last week and it cost them the game
Lightening won’t strike in the same place twice…
At least I don’t think it will….
HAWKEYES

Texas Tech at New Mexico
If you are wondering why the “mighty” Red Raiders are continuing to play this rather unusual “out of conference” schedule, the answer is quite simple. Coach Tommy Tubby is trying to pad his wins before he gets his ass kicked by Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas, Texas A&M, Missouri and possibly Kansas and or Kansas State if the Wildcat faithful are able to bring Bill Snyder’s petrified body to the Pep Rally.
So after rousing wins over the Northern Colorado Lamaze Academy and the Navaho School for Sand Painting this strategy practically “guarantees” Coach Tommy Tubby a slot in the Dulcolax Suppository Bowl in Newark, New Jersey.
No need to thank me for clearing that up, it’s what I do…
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS!
YOU ARE DULCOLAX SUPPOSITORY BOWL BOUND! 43-10

UTEP at New Mexico State
This battle in the desert is called…..
“The Battle of I-10” and it’s played for the Silver Spade……
As damn hot as it is there the game should be played for an Industrial Air Conditioning Unit..
LASSO LARRY 24-21

Marshall at Ohio
This rivalry game between these two storied programs is called “The Battle for the Bell”
It’s going to be a dandy and an Upset….
WE ARE MARSHALL 31-28

Virginia at North Carolina
Two of the most schizophrenic teams in all of college football meet to “find themselves”
I have no idea who is going to show up or who is going to win this one…
CAVALIERS 21-17

Arkansas State at Virginia Tech
The Fighting Turkeys were “almost” upset last week by Kerry’s Cuticle and Hair Extension College, nothing to worry about this week….
Enter the Sandman
HOKEY POKEY 38-10

Texas at UCLA
I don’t believe in “revenge” games; it’s a waste of time and effort to focus on such trivial things.
But if there ever was a good reason to have a “revenge game, this would be it…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 28-21

Washington State at San Diego State
I will be watching my beloved Longhorns (See above) so I really don’t care about this game
UPSET SPECIAL (if you care…)
ANCIENT AZTECS 31-28

Garner Webb at Wake Forest
I have a philosophical question…
If Garner Webb and San Jose State played each other, is it theoretically possible that neither team would win and yet they would beat the hell out of each other?
I’m just asking…
DEMON DEACONS 33-10

Missouri State at Oregon
The Quacks are going to wear their “all black” Darth Duck uniforms for this game…
Just when you think they couldn’t get any Gayer…
They raise the Gay Bar that much higher..
QUACKS 56-10

Presbyterian at California
This game is intriguing because it matches’s….
The Blue Ho’s against the California Media Ho’s….
I wish the Presbyterian Ho’s could win this one, but they can’t…
So Enough Said..
KEEPING UP with the BEAR HO’S 28-17

Savannah State at Appalachian State
There is an old saying in the Appalachian Mountains….
There is more than one way to skin a Savannah Tiger
I am fairly confident that is how the saying goes..
MOUNTAINEERS 34-10

Akron at Cincinnati
This Battle in Buckeye Land should be a good one…
I am going with the Boys from the Home of Skyline Chili
CHILI TOWN 28-24

Louisiana Monroe at Texas Christian
Monroe is never going to live this one down…
He is going to get his ass kicked by a horned frog
MIGHTY HORNED FROGS 43-10

Idaho at Texas A&M
The “Ida Honkies” are rolling into College Station…
Let’s get this party started…
GIG EM AGGIES 44-10

Kent State at Kansas State
I would feel better about Kent “if” it were called “Clark Kent State”
Sometimes I hope for too much…
WILDCATS 17-10

Indiana State at Western Kentucky
Run for your Damn lives it’s a FIGHTING TREE!
I seriously don’t get it….
HILLTOPPERS 28-21

Eastern Michigan at Michigan
The Wolverines conclude their….
“Beat up every little College in Michigan to make us feel better about ourselves Tour”
What some folks will do to boost their self-esteem….
WOLVERINES 38-17

Penn State at Temple
Joe Pa is angry and you know what that means, right?
Somebody is going to break a hip…
JOE PA’S LIONS 34-17

Troy at Arkansas
One last tune-up for the Hogs before they meet the Crimson Tide in T Town next week
HAWGZILLA’S 43-10

Colorado State at Colorado
This bitter instate rivalry is called “The Rocky Mountain Showdown”…
The winner of the game takes home the “Centennial Cup”
But more importantly….
They have bragging rights for another 365 days….
ROCKY RAMS 31-28

Stanford at Arizona
This is the VERY best game on Saturday Night beginning at 2400 EST on TBS
Believe it…
CARDINAL 28-17

Enjoy your games…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

The opening week of College Football is behind us….

And your Favorite College Football Prognosticator finished the first week of the season at 78 and 10 or 89%. Not too great but not too bad, if I say so myself.

We have a lot to talk about so let’s not waste anymore time here

Enjoy your picks…

COMMENTARY on COMMENTATORS

I will be the first to person to tell you that I have no patience with stupid people.

And in most instances I can avoid them, except on College Football Game Days.

Case in point: Before the kickoff of the Texas Christian Horned Frogs and the Baylor Bears game, ESPN College Football “commentator” Rod Gilmore said this….

“The Horned Frogs take the field tonight for the first time in a long time without Andy Dalton the greatest quarterback in TCU History”

WHAT?

Former TCU Quarterback Andy Dalton is the Greatest Quarterback in TCU History?

Either Rod Gilmore was higher than a Georgia Pine when he said that or….
he is a complete dumbass.

EDITORS NOTE: I vote for complete Dumbass

Rod had you EVER heard of “Slinging” Sammy Baugh?

He was a quarterback at TCU

Have you EVER heard of Davey O’Brien?
You know that guy they named that “quarterback” trophy after?

He was a quarterback at TCU too

Rod, you rode the “short” bus to school, didn’t you?

Then on Saturday morning…..
Everybody’s favorite idiot Mark May of ESPN said this…

“Houston Nutt is on the hot seat at Arkansas this year….”

Way to keep up with current events jackass

Houston Nutt has ONLY been the Coach at Ole Miss since 2008

So what’s the lesson to be learned here, other than the fact Rod Gilmore and Mark May could be in the Hollywood remake of “Dumb and Dumber”?

You may not be able to avoid stupid people but you can sure have that mute button handy

HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER OF THE WEEK

His name is Matt Jones and he attends Gretna High School near Omaha Nebraska

He is 6 Ft 6 in tall and 235 lbs
Matt is the quarterback and the punter on the team.
The first game of the season the Gretna Dragons Beat Norris 28-17 and Matt threw for 2 touchdowns and ran for another one. His longest punt in the game was for 52 yards..

Matt also plays first base and pitches on his High School baseball team.
He pitches in the low 90 Mph range

He is an outstanding student from and outstanding family.

EDITORS NOTE: If the Nebraska Cornhuskers don’t pick him up, I know a fine school in Tuscaloosa Alabama that he might be interested in, oh yeah…
And they play a little football down there too.

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Harley Hanesworth here, reporting from Telfair County, deep from the heart of SEC country.

Well, folks, it looks like our Georgia Bulldogs went out and stepped in a giant pile of horse manure, literally. Between the bizarre alien Halloween costumes, I mean uniforms and the lost looks of the players and coaches trying to figure out exactly what was going on, these Dogs won’t hunt. I got on the Atlanta Journal Constitution website (AJC.com) and the natives are restless. Unlike Jim Tressel, who cashed in on his National Championship collateral to stay popular with the fan base, Mark Richt is a marked man. There were many comments made in response to the Schultz column, but I think this one surmises the overall sentiment nicely: “Richt can take his’n and lose to yore’n or take yore’n and lose to his’n”. It’s still early in the season so much remains to be seen on whether this team is on the road to a championship or a highway to hell.

Around the rest of the SEC Alabama, Arkansas, and Florida all rolled to easy victories in tune up games. Even Vanderbilt got in on a little of the early season beat down activities. Tennessee and Mississippi State came out on top in convincing fashion and LSU flexed a little SEC muscle in a nationally televised win over Oregon. South Carolina got by East Carolina, although the Conner Shaw experiment in the first quarter almost blew up in the Head Ball coaches face. I don’t know what that was all about, but Spurrier went with, and stayed with, Garcia for the rest of the game, which proved to be the difference.
Auburn squeaked out a win over mighty Utah State?
Yeah, the Cammy Cam era over on the Plains looks like it’s about to come to a rather unspectacular and unceremonious end if they don’t get their game together.
Kentucky really made me cringe in that display of futility over Western Kentucky. And Mississippi fell to the Mormons. I don’t think those Southern Baptists in Oxford are too happy about getting beat by the heretics from Utah.

Over in the ACC, there were mixed results. Florida State, Vahhh-Tech, Clemson, and North Carolina had a relatively easy warm up on Saturday. Georgia Tech actually had a passing game in a victory over Western Carolina. But before the boys from the North Avenue Trade School get too excited let’s see how they fare against some of the Conferences “Elites.”
And that brings up a point that I’ve been pondering for a while.
Some of the teams over in the country’s best basketball conference have improved themselves and are rising through the ranks. Of note are the Florida State Seminoles.
But, while this has been occurring, the traditional bottom dwellers continue to drop. It appears to me that the gap between the “haves” and “have not’s” is widening more than the economic gap in this country under the Obama administration.
Well, at least the ACC doesn’t have to worry about things like a mortgage crisis and illegal aliens. Although, Duke, Boston College, and Wake Forest played their games like they were from a foreign country.

And lastly, some games of note from around the country. Ohio State once again showed their dominance over the state of Ohio in blanking Akron. The post Tressel era started on a positive note, but, without Pryor and company, it’s a little too early to anoint the Buck-sters with another Big Something Championship.
You know, some teams start out against some lower tier opponents to get the reps in and tune up for the difficult games down the road. Some teams go for some early competition to bolster their rank in the standings.
Oregon and Georgia made gutsy moves by scheduling tough opponents in the first week of the season. However, I don’t know what in the world Notre Dame was thinking. Already over-rated by being ranked number 16 in the country after accomplishing, well, they haven’t accomplished anything in years, and then, going out and promptly getting beaten by South Florida is not exactly Einstein-ish. That’s not the way you establish yourself as a national powerhouse. To tell you the truth, it doesn’t do much for the recruiting effort either. Let’s just hope that there’s more UNDER the golden dome than there is between the ears in the South Bend athletic Department.

Sincerely

Harley Hanesworth

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS

OKLAHOMA: The Mighty Sooners won the game with Tulsa this past Saturday, but lost the Great Lee Roy Selmon this weekend to a stroke. He was only 56 years old. He was one of the greatest players in Oklahoma Sooners History and one of the greatest players to ever play the game of football and his presence will be sorely missed.
There won’t be another one like him pass this way again

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: Damn it Frogs…

KANSAS STATE: What’s the deal Wildcats?
First you wheel Bill Snyder’s petrified body on to the field to “motivate” the players.
Then, in an effort to “motivate” the fans and alumni, you decided to conjure up a cartoon character for a mascot so we can make college football “Eco Friendly”.

EDITORS NOTE: Just for the record Kansas State fans…
We aren’t laughing with you, we are laughing at you

INDIANA: All the hype, all the talk and all the “excitement” at Hoosier U…
And you couldn’t even beat BALL STATE?

Loosiers….

OREGON STATE: I was going to make a joke about the Beavers getting shaved on Saturday, but I am above that kind of sophomoric humor.

TEXAS A&M: Can’t we date a while before we get married? I hate arranged marriages..

GEORGIA: I predict it’s going to be a long and painful season for the Dawgs and I’m not just talking about looking at those God awful “new” uniforms either.

NEW MEXICO STATE: I should have known better than to pick an “upset special” with a team that has a mascot named “Lasso Larry”. I was half expecting Moe and Curley to come out of the tunnel with him in cowboy outfits.

LSU: That’s how you pluck a Duck…

WEST VIRGINIA: The Morgantown City Council voted recently to make “couch burning” a felony within the city limits. Have they no respect for tradition?

MARYLAND: The University of Maryland is being sued in Federal Court as a part of a class action lawsuit by an as yet named number of people who claim that watching the Maryland Terrapins playing on television in their “new” uniforms has caused them to suffer from epileptic seizures.

One unnamed litigant said it this way….
“When I saw the University of Maryland’s “new” uniforms on television I became dizzy and disoriented and began to vomit on myself in my recliner and my eyes rolled back in my head. I staggered to the kitchen and as I looked over my shoulder and saw the terrapins on television (again) I passed out and went into full seizure mode”

EDITORS NOTE: Who designed these uniforms, Stevie Wonder?

ARMY: Here we go again…
I pick you to win and you lose…
When I pick you to lose, you win…
Can’t we all just get along?

COLORADO: Please see “Army” above…

AUBURN: This past Saturday during the defending National Champions rousing win over the Utah State Aggies, a member of the staff at the CFB Wizard was fortunate enough to have intercepted headset traffic from Auburn Coach Gene Chizik.

Here is a portion of the transcribed conversation.

Yes, Mr Lowder…..

I know, Mr Lowder……

I’m not going to tell anyone, Mr Lowder……

No, he put it all in that Swiss bank account you set up, Mr Lowder….

No, he didn’t give me the PIN number Mr Lowder….

Yes, sir, I’ll have him in your office this evening to shine your shoes, Mr Lowder…

No, sir, I’ll have to wait till Monday morning to pick up your shirts, Mr Lowder….

Please don’t be angry with me Mr. Lowder..

I’m really trying Mr. Lowder….

NOTRE DAME: As you may have read….
The famous sign in the Fighting Irish locker room “Play like a Champion Today”
Has been replaced with…
“Play like overrated conceited arrogant jackasses with a sense of entitlement because we are Notre Dame Today”

EDITORS NOTE: If nothing else…
You have to appreciate the honesty in the new locker room sign

MINNESOTA: Even though they lost a close contest against the California Trojans..
Make no mistake about it; these Ground Hogs are for real.

CLEMSON: Unless you are a fan of the Clemson Tiger’s the name Jake Nicolopulos may not sound familiar to you. He was an incredibly gifted high school football player at T. L Hanna High School in South Carolina and all his life he dreamed of playing football for the Mighty Clemson Tigers.

Jake’s dream came true….
He was offered a scholarship to play for his beloved Clemson Tigers in 2009

Then in December 2009 the star football player had a stroke that almost killed him.

He would never play football again

This past Saturday Jake made it down “The Hill” at Clemson

Jake came out with the coaches and rubbed “Howard’s Rock”.

He started at the front of the line taking in the scene and Coach Dabo Swinney helped him to the side and hugged his neck as the Clemson Tigers football team lined up and then streamed down the hill and onto the field.
He had to have someone hold his arm and he was the last one down as they were rolling up the carpet behind him. But nearly two years after the stroke that almost killed him; Nicolopulos didn’t care that he was the last one down the hill.

“Awesome,” he said Saturday, with a smile that likely won’t go away for days.

Nicolopulos still walks with a noticeable limp. He shakes hands with his left hand, because he still can’t do much with the right one after the stroke that nearly killed him.

Nicolopulos had already promised to come to Clemson, and the University kept its commitment.
He is a student-coach on scholarship, taking two classes, even though in the excitement right after coming down the hill at Death Valley, he couldn’t recall their names.
He apologized, but never stopped smiling.

The run down the hill was the conclusion of several promises Clemson coach Dabo Swinney and his chief recruiter back in 2009, Brad Scott, made at Nicolopulos’ bedside after the stroke, when some wondered if Nicolopulos would ever walk again. They presented him with a No. 9 Clemson jersey, his number in high school, and he grabbed the shirt with his left arm, the only one he could move at the time.
He pulled it up to his face and cried.

Three months later, rehab had helped him enough that he could sign his name to his letter of intent to Clemson. Seven months later, he was at Memorial Stadium to watch the Tigers 2010 opener against North Texas.
On Saturday, he wore khaki pants and a Clemson polo shirt as he got on the sidelines. He slapped players on the back on the bench and always answered when someone asked how he was doing. “Good. Leg is OK.”

Swinney promised Nicolopulos’ family they would treat him like any other Tiger.
The head coach has said more than once that his team can learn a lot from him.
“God had a little bit of a different plan for him. But I don’t have doubt at all Jake Nicolopulos will make an impact at Clemson,” Swinney said when he signed him.

The team has had an impact on Nicolopulos too.
He smiled even bigger when asked how much Clemson’s support has meant. “Great,” he said.
Then someone else passed by and asked Nicolopulos how it was running down the hill.
He briefly searched for another word.
“Crazy,” he said as he ambled down the sideline, slapping more of his teammates on the back.

If this video doesn’t bring a tear to your eye, then nothing will

Click here to view the embedded video.

EDITORS NOTE: For a University and a Coaching Staff to not only keep their promise to this young man, but to show such care and concern for him, if that isn’t Class and Character, then I don’t know what is

THE GAMES

Thursday September 8th

Arizona at Oklahoma State
The Prairie Wind is going to howl the fur off these Cats
COWBOY UP! 34-17

Fayetteville State at Carson Newman
Spark’s Eagles will break these Bronco’s
Believe it
SPARKS EAGLES 38-21

Friday September 9th

Florida International at Louisville
Florida doesn’t know what “International” is until they come to Kentucky
They have a Paris AND a London in the same state…
So There
STRONG CARDINALS 28-17

Missouri at Arizona State
This early season matchup between the Big 12 Light…
(Remember it has all the taste of a regular conference but fewer calories)
And the PAC 10 or 12…
It should be a good one…
MO’S TIGERS 33-28

Saturday September 10th

Oregon State at Wisconsin
I have two very good reasons why I can’t watch this game
“Sea Monkeys”
Enough said….
THE POWER OF CHEESE 34-10

Apprentice School at Campbell
At first glance I thought Donald Trump had his own college.
Then I noticed the name of the team is the “School Builders”
As in “the Apprentice School Builders”
And that reminded me that I still have a plunger stuck in my toilet…
GAYLORD the CAMEL 24-21

Florida Atlantic at Michigan State
I was going to watch this game but…
My therapist said I need to spend more time with my Blender
THE SPARTANS 38-10

Toledo at Ohio State
The second game on the Buckeye “Beat every little college in Ohio’s ass Tour”
I can hardly wait until they line-up against that Vietnamese Nail Salon and Beautician College in Cleveland, it should be a dandy.
BUCKEYES 43-10

Iowa at Iowa State
This bitter instate rivalry is played each year for the coveted Cy-Hawk Trophy.
You may have seen the “new” Cy-Hawk Trophy that was unveiled last month…

The picture of the trophy leads me to this question…
How can a bunch of grownups (who buy their own toilet paper and pay taxes) set in a room and think…
“Hey! This is a good idea for a football rivalry trophy!”
What the hell were they thinking?
HAWKEYES 24-21

Central Michigan at Kentucky
I wonder if there is actually a guy named Chip Pewas or Chip P. Ewas?
I know, sometimes I wonder too much…
But I am still going to Google it..
JOKERS CATS 28-21

Glenville State at North Alabama
The Lions of Florence are roaring and Glen has a number of deeply rooted personal issues that prevent him from concentrating on the game this week.
Yes, it’s just that simple
MIGHTY LIONS 38-17

San Diego State at Army
A uniformed army fighting some ancient Aztecs…
Isn’t that how Montezuma’s Revenge came about?
I can’t take any chances on this pick, because I can’t see my television from the toilet
AZTECS 33-17

South Dakota State at Illinois
This game reminded me there is a “Leave it to Beaver” marathon on TV Land
I have to watch it; I can’t betray Wally
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 43-10

Cal Poly at Montana
Poor Cal, he is in for the mauling of a lifetime by the Mighty Grizzly Bears
Believe it
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZ 34-10

Juniata at Dickinson
Two very important points to consider concerning this game…
One: I didn’t know Emily Dickinson had her own college
Two: Juanita was Barney Fife’s girlfriend at the diner in Mayberry
I think I made my point
J LO 24-17

William and Mary at Virginia Military Academy
Bill and Mary are spoiling for a fight and the Cadets of VMI aren’t
which is sad….
THE TRIBE 28-17

Tusculum at Georgia Southern
I cannot in good conscience pick a team that sounds like a hunk of mucus
I’m sorry but the cold and flu season is right around the corner
SOUTHERN EAGLES 43-17

Mississippi State at Auburn
Did you hear that noise?
It’s all the fair weather Tiger fans jumping off the Auburn Bandwagon
BULLY DOGS 33-21

Rutgers at North Carolina
I never thought I would say this about the once mighty Tar Heels playing a Rutgers team
This one could go either way…
HEELS of TAR 28-24

Marist at Bucknell
I don’t know much about Buck, but that Marist is a Fox
RED FOXES 28-24

Norfolk State at West Virginia
Regardless of what the Morgantown City Council says..
I believe in meaningless college football celebration rituals that have no apparent value
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 44-10

Maine at Pittsburgh
Although Iron City Beer tastes like it’s already been drank once…
I will go with the boys from Steel Town
PANTHERS 34-10

North Colorado at Colorado State
The Mighty Rams will bear down on North Colorado in this game
RAMS 33-21

Susquehanna at John Hopkins
Johnny Hopkins better bring his “A” game to this matchup…
Because you know how Susie mean gets when she’s all liquored up
SUSIE Q 24-17

Alabama at Penn State
This game in the Happiest of Valley’s could go either way
Believe it
CRIMSON TIDE 23-17

Nevada at Oregon
I wish I cared about this game, I really do….
But I don’t.
QUACKS 38-28

Garner Webb at Ohio
I would have thought Garner’s Momma and daddy would have taught him..
Not to play with Bobcats
That boy is going to get the hell clawed out of him
BOBCATS 34-10

Stanford at Duke
I would rather watch Uncle Todd’s colonoscopy video (again) than watch this game
CARDINAL 38-24

Virginia Tech at East Carolina
The Pirates stayed with the real USC last week through three quarters..
They won’t be as fortunate this week
HOKEY POKEY 41-17

Texas Christian at Air Force
The Mighty Falcons of Air Force are good and the Frogs are Hurting…
This one will be closer than you think
HORNED FROGS 31-28

North Greenville at Presbyterian
The Crusaders of North Greenville Baptist College meet the Blue Ho’s
I wonder if Jimmy Swaggart will be there?
BLUE HO’S 24-21

North Carolina A&T at Appalachian State
Who knew a North Carolina phone company had their own college?
MOUNTAINEERS 28-17

California at Colorado
I would rather stare at an ant farm for three hours than watch this game
GOLDEN GRAM BEARS 24-14

Occidental at Puget Sound
Can’t these colleges get their names right?
Its “accidental” NOT “occidental”..
Who ever heard of…
“I occidentally tripped and sprained my ankle”
That’s just dumb
PUDGY 21-17

Eastern Illinois at Northwestern
There are Panthers and Wildcats featured in this game
I hope they have some big litter boxes handy
WILDCATS 44-10

Valparaiso at Youngstown State
This game begs the question..
If these Yankees aren’t ten miles from the Arctic Circle…
then why do they have a penguin for a mascot?
I rest my case…
PENGUINS 31-17

New Mexico State at Minnesota
Lasso Larry tripped me up last week…
I won’t make the same mistake two Saturday’s in a row
O’ SO very GOLDEN GOPHERS 34-14

North Carolina State at Wake Forest
The History of Macaroni Art is on the Learning Channel or I would watch this one
Honest….
WOLFPACK 21-17

Wofford at Clemson
Chewbacca U bit off more than they can chew in this one….
Welcome to Death Valley
DABO’S TIGERS 43-14

Purdue at Rice
This game will be like watching two old people in a nursing home fight.
At first it’s kind of funny and then it’s just sad
BOILERMAKERS 17-14

Hawaii at Washington
The once proud Huskies stumbled slightly coming out of the gate last week…
But I believe in the Big Dogs
HUSKIES 31-24

Southern Miss at Marshall
The Thundering herd in the rearview mirror are closer than they appear..
This one will be close, real close
GOLDEN EAGLES 27-24

Cincinnati at Tennessee
This game in OBknoxville will feature a “special” halftime show…
Luke “Turnip Head” McKinney and his dancing possum “Perry” will perform a tribute to Elvis Presley with the University of Tennessee “Pride of the Southland” marching band.
This will be quite a treat for the local Vol fans as Luke was bitten by Perry while rehearsing “Jailhouse Rock” and required rabies shots and wasn’t expected to make the show.
VOWELS 34-17

Tulsa at Tulane
Interestingly enough this game features “Golden Hurricanes and Green Waves”
What is interesting about that factoid you may ask?
If you drink to many Hurricanes on Bourbon Street you will be leaning over the toilet bowl watching the Green Wave before the sun comes up the next morning.
Consider this your safety tip of the week
O’ so very GOLDEN HURRICANES 34-24

South Carolina at Georgia
Dawg Gone….
GAMECOCKS 28-17

Rhode Island at Syracuse
I cannot promote or pick a team that is predicated on a lie!
Everybody knows Rhode Island isn’t an island, what do you think we are stupid?
OTTO the ORANGE 43-10

Gustavus Adolphus at Wartburg
The only thing I could think about when I saw this matchup was…
I bet that German guy could brew some fine beer…
GUS’S BREW 23-17

North Dakota at Idaho
You may not be aware of this unusual factoid about the University of Idaho…
The majorettes and flag girls on their marching band are called
“The Ida Honkies”
FIGHTING SIOUX 33-24

UNLV at Washington State
This game reminds me..
Have you seen the latest commercial for Ex-Lax?
“Has constipation made you a walking time bomb?”
Catchy don’t you think?
Never mind…
COUGARS 21-17

Charleston Southern at Florida State
This game is going to be uglier than Hillary Clinton in a Hooter’s Girl uniform
(Sorry for the disturbing visual)
SEMINOLES 54-0

Southern Illinois at Ole Miss
I recently saw the “new” Ole Miss mascot and I have a question…
What is it about a Black Bear costume that says “Rebels”?
Is it a rebellious bear that won’t listen to the other bears?
RUN it’s a REBEL Bear!
I don’t get it…
But you all do know that’s stupid as hell, right?
Just so we all agree…
BEAR DOWN 38-14

Texas State at Wyoming
It’s time for the Boy’s from Laramie to Cowboy Up
COWBOYS 31-17

Fresno State at Nebraska
The Fresno Fritters should have taken a right at Pismo Beach….
It would have been less painful
CHILDREN of the CORN 41-10

New Mexico at Arkansas
This game is going to be uglier than Leonard Nimoy singing the Ballad of Bilbo Baggins

Click here to view the embedded video.

HAWGS 51-10

EDITORS NOTE: I apologize if the above video caused anyone’s ears to bleed

UAB at Florida
I have no idea why the folks from Birmingham decided to name their team the “Blazers” and a have a Dragon for a mascot, because I have never seen a dragon in Alabama.
But there was this one night in Hueytown….
I don’t want to talk about it
MIGHTY GATORS 38-14

Ball State at South Florida
Both teams are coming off big wins last week…
But South Florida is mighty strong
And that’s No Bull…
DA BULLS 33-28

Virginia at Indiana
Hoosier? As in…..
Who’s your daddy this week?
CAVALIERS 28-10

Navy at Western Kentucky
The Hilltoppers of Western have an outstanding running game….
The Problem here is, the Midshipmen’s is better
MIDSHIPMEN 28-17

Morgan State at Bowling Green
I didn’t pick the Falcons to win last week and I paid the price…
Consider this my way of apologizing…
FALCONS 34-10

Jackson State at Tennessee State
A classic matchup between two storied college football programs…
Some of the greatest players to have ever graced the field have played in this game.
“Jefferson Street” Joe Gilliam, Ed “Too Tall” Jones and the Great Walter Payton to name but a few. And as a side note…
The halftime “Battle of the Bands” is not to be missed…
WALTER’S TIGERS 28-24

Houston at North Texas
The Folks from Denton are called the “Mean Green” which sounds a lot like one of those miracle stain removers if you ask me. I wonder if it will remove ass kicking stains.
MIGHTY COUGARS 43-17

Brigham Young at Texas
This game is going to prove which team is actually as good as advertised
I’m Hooked
HOOK EM HORNS 38-17

Memphis at Arkansas State
The Fighting Elvis’s from Graceland will rock the Red Wolves
or at least they “should”
ELVIS’S TIGERS 33-17

Northern Illinois at Kansas
Don’t be surprised if this one goes the “other way”
JAY’S HAWKS 28-24

Georgia Tech at Middle Tennessee State
The Wreck Ramble up the road to Murfreesboro Tennessee and believe it or not…
They will “pass” their way to victory in this game.
I’m not joking…
YELLOW JACKETS 38-17

UTEP at Southern Methodist
My proud ponies were rode hard and put up wet last week against the disgruntled Texas A&M Aggies, but Coach June’s Boys get back on track this week.
(I hope)
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-28

Nicholls State at Western Michigan
The Bronco’s will reduce the Colonels to Lance Corporals by the third quarter..
Believe it
BRONCO’S 38-10

Utah at Southern California
Stop me if you have heard this one…
“There once was a man from Nantucket that had two Utes in a bucket”
That’s how it goes, right?
TWO UTES 34-31

Connecticut at Vanderbilt
You want to know what I really like about Connecticut.
Nothing…
COMMODORES 33-21

Northwestern State at LSU
The Demons from Northwestern are about to be exorcised…
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 53-10

Notre Dame at Michigan
There was once a time when this was a marquee matchup….
This isn’t the time
WOLVERINES 24-17

Weber State at Utah State
If the Aggies can scare the hell out of the defending National Champions then they can certainly dispose of the folks from the Outdoor Grill School of culinary delight.
AGGIES 38-17

Boston College at Central Florida
The Boy’s from O-Town (Not the defunct boy band) take it to the Eagles of Chestnut Hill
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 24-17

San Jose State at UCLA
Yet another stop on Jose’s “I like to get my ass kicked tour”
It’s fun for the whole family
RICK’S BRUINS 38-10

Sunday September 11th

Post Game Commentary

Before September 11th became known as a “Day of Infamy”
It was more known, at least in Alabama, as the birthday of Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant.

Coach Bryant always carried a poem with him in his wallet.
He would occasionally unfold it and read it to his players and he said he read it to himself at least twice a day for as long as he could remember.

On this day I think it’s fitting to share Coach’s poem with you

“This is the beginning of a new day.
God has given me this day to use as I will.
I can waste it or use it for good.
What I do today is important as I am
exchanging a day of my life for it.
When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever.
Leaving something in its place I have traded for it.
I want it to be a gain, not loss–good, not evil.
Success, not failure, in order that I shall not forget
the price I paid for it.”

Coach Bryant would have been 98 years old on September the 11th..
and I would still be scared to death of him.

I miss you Coach. Always will
Enjoy your games…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s your ole boy Hootie Snitch!

The Number Damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!

Coming at you from the Heart of Volunteer country right here in Baneberry Tennessee!

Not only am I a bringing yawl the “Big Orange Report”…….
But I got me an “All Access” pass behind the scenes with Coach Derek Drooley!

Hell Yeah!

The BIG Orange Report

I was going to name this the “All Orange” report but then that Mister Wizard said I couldn’t do it cause it may confuse folks cause there is other “orange” teams. Then I was a wanting to argue that there is only One Orange and that’s the BIG Orange and then he give me this to watch…..
Cause he says Auburn is orange too…..

Click here to view the embedded video.

Now you know why I don’t tailgate with any of them auburn fans.
They ain’t sophisticated like us Tennessee Volunteers!
Mountain Dew and a damn lizard ain’t good tailgating food!
There wasn’t a beer to be seen in that whole damn thing!

Let’s get to the Big Orange Report before I throwed up from that video

The 2011 Volunteers is bigger, faster and smarter than they was last year.
And even though we got the toughest schedule in the whole nation with games against…

LSU (Now that we learned to count to “11” this year, yawl is going to lose)
Florida (Damn Gators)
Alabama (Damn them all)
Arkansas (I think them Hog hats look stupid)
Georgia (I hate everyone of yawl)
South Carolina (Colonel Sanders called he wants his mascot back)
Vanderbilt (Them smart kids are going to get a ass whopping)
Kentucky (I guarantee a win here)

Then our out of conference schedule get’s even worse with games against..

Middle Tennessee State (Which like a “rival” game)
Montana (They is called the Grizzlies for a reason, their cheerleaders look like bears)
The we got games against two NFL teams and I can’t for the life of me figure out why someone scheduled the Volunteers to play Cincinnati and Buffalo.
Don’t worry we ain’t scared.
We going to win them games too.
You can bet your Slim Jim on it!

Here is my prediction for the season.
Hold on to your seat, this one is going to be a shocker!

The Tennessee Volunteers are going to undefeated this year, win the SEC Championship and be in the BCS Championship game and make the NFL playoffs after they whoop Cincinnati and Buffalo.

It’s Football Time in Tennessee so get ready!

All Access with Tennessee Volunteer Coach Derek Drooley

As the Biggest Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet I was given a once in a lifetime opportunity to follow Tennessee Volunteer Coach Derek Drooley around practice for a day and set in the front row when Coach Drooley talked to the media folks (Like me)

He even let me take some pictures and I am fixing to show them to you.
It was an awesome day!

Let me tell you what I learned about Coach Drooley….
He is sharp as a damn tack…
During practice he keeps his eyes on everything and he don’t miss nothing!

He even spotted some dog do-do on the football field before somebody stepped in it

I bet Smokey slipped off down there and did his business on the practice field

He showed them Boys how to do a push-up too cause most of them don’t know nothing like that

After looking at this picture again….I might have these things out of order….
This might have been about the time Coach Drooley spotted the dog do-do.

Coach Drooley is a “coach” and teacher….
He takes time with them players like nothing I ever seen before!
Like during the media conference Coach Drooley was a telling them folks in the audience how he shows them boys “how to hold a hamburger”

And how to hold one of them cell phones when you is talking on it

And Coach has ALWAYS been a caring person like that with his players.
He showed me this picture in his office when he was coaching at Louisiana Tech about a kicker that he had that was cross-eyed as a Siamese cat and couldn’t hit the uprights to save his life.

Well before that ole boy would go out there to kick…..
Coach Drooley would start reminding him what the goal post looked like and where to kick the ball

And guess what?
After 116 tries that kicker done split the uprights and got him an extra point! I call that Coaching!

I got to run, the wife is a hollering about something…
I am a going to be back after the first game with some of my “insight” into the games and a surprise or two for yawl! So hang on and get ready for the Damn VOLS!

GO VOLS!
Hootie-Out!

A rather disturbing issue has been brought to my attention that I think you should all be aware of.

Our Boys and Girls in Iraq and Afghanistan are no longer able to read the “CFB Wizard” overseas.

Now why is that?

The College Football Wizard isn’t a “social networking or lifestyle” website

It isn’t provocative or display’s any images that would deemed to be inappropriate

There are no pictures of scantily clad women or men on the website

There isn’t any nasty language used in any articles either.

There are no “states secrets” that are released on code or on the open net to our boys and girls

So why can’t our boys and girls enjoy reading about college football on the CFB Wizard overseas?

Your guess is as good as mine

The screen shot said the site is banned because it has to do with….

“Sports”

O’ My GOD, NOT that!

But here is the unvarnished truth

It could be in this “politically correct” world run amuck (including our military)
That the “powers to be” have lost their damn minds.

Is it because College Football is “offensive” to Muslims, is that why it can’t be read overseas?
Because those of us who have served in those theaters can agree, we just can’t kiss their ass’s enough to suit them. So why not deprive our fighting men and women the ability to read about the upcoming games in college football, as long as Abdul is happy with his pedophilia Thursday’s, am I right?

Perhaps college football isn’t “gay enough” for the current military leadership?
Would it help if I had an introduction by George Michael and “WHAM” in the next column?

EDITORS NOTE: Not going to happen….

Could it be that I am “banned” because each December I utter those most despicable words known to all card carrying members of the “politically correct” military? Come on say it with me…
“Merry Christmas”

Maybe the College Football Wizard is banned because in the “new” everybody is offended by everything all the time society we currently live in, that my writing is “too harsh” and “insensitive”?

EDITORS NOTE: Ah does the General need a hug?

Could it be that those in power are so disconnected to those military boys and girls doing the actual work that they either don’t care or could care less about what they are interested in?

Maybe those Generals and their Colonels are just too busy writing themselves up for Bronze Stars to notice, maybe that’s it.

EDITORS NOTE: I’m sorry, did that hit a little too close to home?

If this sounds like I am angry, I am.

And it’s not personal, I assure you.

But if you want to read the truth, here it is….

We ask our boys and girls to leave the United States and go into a hostile theater for a year or more.

Tour after Tour after Tour for over ten damn years….

They leave family and friends

They lose family and friends

Some are wounded and Some die

But they ALL pay a price….

All for the sake of our freedom.

But they can’t enjoy reading about college football because some gibbering jackass despot says so.

So what are we fighting for?

Our troops can’t read anything about “sports”?

That doesn’t sound like freedom to me

Yes, I am mad and you should be too.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

While the Auburn Tigers are rowing up the River of Denial and the Ohio State Buckeyes are self imposing and publically self abusing themselves, the Ducks of the University of Oregon are happily paddling with their cute little webbed feet in the NCAA pond of poop.

I know many of you Ducks fans will cry fowl at what I am about write.

EDITORS NOTE: Before you ask, yes I can do these puns all day…

But as you may recall it was reported some months ago by yours truly that the University of Oregon was “paying” for a recruiting service to, as the University Athletic Department described, “To screen and evaluate athletes for the University of Oregon’s Football Program”.

And by “screen” the high school athletes, they actually meant “steer the high school athletes to the University of Oregon football program by any means possible”.

EDITORS NOTE: I know, screen and steer are so close to each other in the dictionary it’s like the words are interchangeable, am I right?

Then of course we read that the $25, 000 Dollar payment for the “2011 National Recruiting Package” only covered four states and it didn’t have anything to do with any potential college recruits from 2011.

Say what? Four states are a “National” recruiting report?

To make this story even funnier, if that’s possible, the “recruiting package” didn’t arrive until four months after the first check was cashed for the “service” and not so coincidentally it arrived days after a media enquiry requesting information on the 25K “service”.

Let’s not get into the pesky argument that high school game films and other material were “supposed” to have been included in this “National Recruiting Package”, because they weren’t.

We are all grown-ups who pay taxes and buy our own toilet paper so let’s not do the duck dance of the sugar plum fairies on this topic.

Will Lyles of the “recruiting service” was paid by the Oregon Athletic Department to steer high school athletes to the University of Quack. Mr. Lyles didn’t receive his second installment for his “services” and that is why he eventually started squealing like the little piggy that went to market.

The fact Oregon Coach Chip Kelly lied about his association with Mr. Lyles only compounds this issue and brings into question the coach’s character, integrity and the University’s commitment to those values.

But then again, wasn’t this the same coach that reinstated Oregon leading rusher LaGarrette Blount after he sucker punched a Boise State player after the Quacks lost the game to the Broncos?
That “indefinite suspension” lasted only 67 days. It was long enough to make even Phil Fulmer proud.

Then of course we have the little issue…..
with starting Oregon Cornerback and All-American Return Specialist Cliff Harris…..

You might remember that he was cited for driving on a suspended license in a rental car that wasn’t rented in his name at over 118 miles an hour at 0435 in the morning.

Oregon Coach Chip Kelly said in a statement that the team was disappointed by Harris’ lack of judgment, which he called unacceptable.

EDITORS NOTE: Those are pretty harsh words Coach!
Wow…”Disappointed” AND “Unacceptable”? OUCH!

Coach Kelly went on to say…..

“Once we have finished collecting all the information in this situation, we will determine the appropriate action”

Let me help you out here Coach……

Since the vehicle wasn’t in his name, then who allowed him to drive it?

It was another University of Oregon employee that “rented” the vehicle that Harris was driving.

EDITORS NOTE: Say, isn’t that an NCAA violation for Impermissible benefits?
You might want to get the NCAA on the phone (again) with this one Coach

Did I mention there were other Orgon Ducks players in the car with Mr. Harris?

Never mind

I can’t help but wonder, since the vehicle wasn’t in Harris’ name and he had a suspended driver’s license, then why didn’t the Oregon State police NOT tow the vehicle and take Mr. Harris to jail?

This of course also means he was also driving the vehicle without auto insurance, which in case you didn’t know, is reason alone to have the rental vehicle towed and the state of Oregon to fine the web feet off that respective duck.

That should have been a given, because that is the LAW…..

EDITORS NOTE: I am sure that Mr. Harris’s standing as a proud member of the Oregon Duck Football team had nothing to do with this, right?

Before you Oregon Duck fans get your tail feathers all ruffled, Coach Kelly “indefinitely suspended” Cliff Harris from the football team. And by “indefinitely suspended” I mean almost thirty days.

So to put all the Ducks in a row here…

The University of Oregon has an out of control booster in “NIKE” Knight

College football players that flaunt the law and the NCAA rules

A Head Football Coach that doesn’t mind lying and violating NCAA Rules

An Athletic Director that clearly hasn’t seen a newspaper or read the internet on anything to do with his athletic programs, that is unless NIKE wants him too.

So what’s the difference between the University of Oregon and the Ohio State University?

The difference my fine feathered friends is quite simply this:

The Ohio State University Buckeyes are trying to clean up their embarrassing mess

The University of Oregon Ducks are choosing to lie and scam their way out of their mess

Somewhere Phil Fulmer is smiling…..

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It would seem that I inadvertently set off some premature 4th of July Fireworks with my article last week on the 2010 National Champion Auburn Tigers.

I certainly didn’t mean to be unduly negative before a holiday weekend.

So with that in mind, I hope to make up for last week’s article with a cheerful and positive spin on the ongoing NCAA Investigation into Cam Newton and the Auburn Tigers.

Enjoy….

TIGER BLING

The Championship rings are out on the plains for the 2010 National Champion Auburn Tigers!

I am so glad they decided to put these rings out on display for the fans to enjoy, particularly the ring with the Lombardi Trophy on it. I must have been too busy at the end of January to notice but I had no idea the Tigers also won the Super Bowl!

Congratulations Super Bowl Champs! War Eagle!

TWEET TWEET

As you may have read or heard the North Carolina Tar Heels football team is in A-Lot of trouble with the NCAA. And one of the things the NCAA is going to charge the North Carolina athletic department with is “failure to monitor social networking sites of the individual players”

You know what that means right? It means the athletic department should be monitoring MySpace, Faces in a Book and Twitter accounts of ALL the student-athletes.

Gosh that sure sounds like a big job to me!

But I guess this NCAA rule is only in effect across the Appalachian Mountains, because you may have heard what Auburn football player Jordan Spriggs “tweeted” during this past spring semester

“Who is good at writing papers??? I can Pay!”

EDITORS NOTE: Before all you haters start getting mad at Auburn or me because this is a positive article right? I am SURE this doesn’t constitute cheating or any kind of NCAA violation.
Because Coach Gene Chizik said it was nothing more than a “joke”.

That’s good enough for me! War Eagle!

EYE OF THE TIGER

In seasons past the Auburn Tigers would enter Jordan Hare Stadium to the riveting sound of one hit wonder Survivor playing “Eye of the Tiger”. But this year in honor of 2010 Heisman Trophy winner Cam Newton the mighty Auburn Tigers will enter the stadium to multi-platinum recording artist and accused pedophile Michael Jackson’s “Smooth Criminal”

I personally think is a wonderful tribute to a great athlete and a humble sportsman.

War Eagle!

THE POWER OF WORDS

My crack research staff, here at the CFB Wizard Headquarters, has recently uncovered a number of extremely “negative” articles about Cam Newton while he was a student at the University of Florida.

I for one was flabbergasted!

But once I regained my composure I was determined to right this wrong.

Because it’s all in how you write it.

So with that being said let me make this clear…..

Cam Newton didn’t “steal” another student’s laptop at the University of Florida

He simply borrowed a laptop he was unfamiliar with from someone he didn’t know.

Cam Newton didn’t “run away” from the police in Gainesville

He was simply going out for a run around midnight because he couldn’t sleep and he couldn’t hear the police yelling at him to stop because he was listening to his father (The Right Reverend Cecil Newton) Sunday sermons on his IPod.

Cam Newton Never “lied” to the police about the laptop in his possession.

He simply gave the police an alternative version of events that transpired which conflicted with the eye witness’s accounts of the incident.

Cam Newton wasn’t dismissed from the University of Florida for “cheating” on his tests or failing to attend classes.

He was so smart he simply knew all the answers in advance.
“Hello”? Have you ever heard of clairvoyance? Yeah, it’s a gift.

EDITORS NOTE: I hope this has cleared his good name for future generations. War Eagle!

PASS THE COLLECTION PLATE

Some people have made some very ugly accusations concerning Cam Newton’s father, the Right Reverend Cecil Newton.

They have gone as far as to besmirch the character of this good and decent man of the cloth.

They have openly attacked a man who is a pillar of his community and a man who has a reputation second only to Gandhi.

They have accused this fine leader of his church of selling his son’s services to the highest bidder.

Shame on them!

I know for a FACT after visiting the Right Reverend Cecil Newton’s simple house of worship that there is NO way he could have been involved in such foolishness.

And just to prove my point I took this picture last January in the church he pastors.

I hope this puts an end to the unfair and horrible accusations hurled at this wonderful Pastor and Proud Father.

War Eagle!

PASSION

The Auburn Tiger faithful are some of the most passionate fans in all of college football.

Many will hitch their homes to their trucks and make the long trek to Jordan Hare for games on Saturday or stay anxiously glued to their television sets while one or more relatives and friends hold the satellite dish in the proper position to watch their beloved Tigers play football.

I think the passion of the Auburn Tiger fans can best be summed up by recent Heisman Trophy winner and Quarterback of the 2010 National Championship Auburn Tigers, Mr. Cam Newton.

When he so eloquently stated…..

“I likes jumping in them stands after I score…
because them Tiger fans likes to be touching me in the naughty place”

EDITORS NOTE: Well put sir, well put.

THE COACH’S BOOK

Recently Coach Gene Chizik released his book on the miraculous 2010 Auburn Tigers Season entitled “All In”. This phrase comes from the Auburn Tigers Football team’s battle cry during the 2010 football season.

Unfortunately the original cover of the book has been changed for reasons that continue to confound me. But I happen to have one of the original copies and share this with you here.

Cam and Gene look happy together, don’t you think? And for the record those are NOT NCAA Investigators chasing them in the background!

All In! War Eagle!

THE STATUE and THE CONTROVERSY

Auburn University Athletic Director Jay Jacobs commented on recent criticism from the media to place Heisman Trophy Winner Cam Newton’s statue on wheels, so it can be wheeled out each day to be placed next to the other Auburn Heisman Trophy winners, Pat Sullivan and Bo Jackson and then subsequently wheeled back in the evening into an area of safe keeping within the Auburn Athletic Department.

“The decision to put Heisman Trophy Winner Cam Newton’s statue on wheels has nothing to do with the ongoing NCAA Investigation. We decided to place his bronze likeness on wheels because a number of the Auburn Tiger faithful were worshiping the statue while attempting to milk the bronze statue for Cammy Cam Juice.”

THE GREAT DICTATOR

Some have called Auburn Trustee Bobby Lowder a “Dictator”.

They should be ashamed of themselves.

Most folks in the Auburn athletic department prefer to think of Bobby Lowder as a benevolent God like creature from a mythical time. They prefer to see him as a beautiful white unicorn with majestic wings that ride the currents of the eastern winds bestowing such riches and favors on those subjects within his kingdom as he, in his infinite wisdom, sees fit.

While occasionally using the horn on his regal head to dispose of coaches and heretics like Terry Bowden and Tommy Tuberville.

Tiger Beat magazine has called Bobby “Dreamy” and “The Hottest thing to come out of Birmingham since the 1968 race riots”

I couldn’t agree more

THE HUMBLE SPORTSMAN

Every university has that one athlete that every parent or educator would like their children or students to emulate because he is a role model for future generations.

Look no further than the role model for the youth of the 21st century

Cam Newton: accomplished athlete, humble classy sportsman…

And the voice of his generation: a singer of songs for the whole family.
The below was taken while he was in Bling Bling Community College before he enrolled at Auburn University.

Click here to view the embedded video.

EDITORS NOTE: Before any of you get your underwear in a wad…..
Cam Newton was not “bleeped” in the above video because he was using profane language.
On the contrary, he was “bleeped” because he was giving a “shout out” to a number of missionaries from his father (The Right Reverend Cecil Newton) Church.
You feel bad about what you were thinking now, don’t you?

CFB Wizard Commentary

I hope this positive article on the 2010 Auburn Tigers and Heisman Trophy Winner Cam Newton has eliminated any doubt concerning their less than outstanding contribution to not only college football, but sportsmanship and humanity as a whole.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

As promised….
It is time to take a closer look at the 2010 National Champion Auburn Tigers
and the “ongoing” Investigation by the NCAA into Cam Newton

Enjoy….

Let’s take a look at the latest developments, shall we?

Long time Auburn Board of Trustee and Dictator Emeritus Bobby Lowder recently announced that he would voluntarily “retire” from the Auburn Board of Trustees.

What makes this interesting is this is the very same man who sued the State of Alabama and various Governors to “stay” on the Board, despite the fact it’s an appointed position.

In other words, just because you are the universities richest booster doesn’t entitle you a lifetime seat on the board of the university trustees or the “right” to run roughshod over the other trustees and treat the university like your own personal playground.

So, why the sudden change of heart?

After all, Bobby has hired and fired coaches, athletic directors and presidents at Auburn over the last twenty plus years and some would say he is the money behind the Cam Newton scandal.

Terry Bowden and Tommy Tuberville can I get an Amen?

He even fired an Auburn college student who was the editor of the schools newspaper because the student had the unmitigated gall to write an editorial that although didn’t mention Bobby Lowder by name it stated that “One man shouldn’t run this academic institution”.

So we are supposed to believe that Ole Bobby is just going to give up his seat and walk away.

We will return to this in a moment….

But in the meantime let’s take a look at Auburn Coach Gene Chizik’s “new” contract

It’s not uncommon for a head football coach to receive a new contract or a bonus after having the kind of season the Auburn Tigers had in 2010. But what is interesting apart from the 1.8 million dollar raise is the language in the “new” contract.

EDITORS NOTE: I find it ironic that the Head Coach got a raise at the end of the season and Cam Newton had to take a pay cut by going to the NFL.

Coach Chizik’s initial contract stated that Auburn University could suspend all but $500,000 of his pay during an internal investigation SEC or NCAA Investigation and if no major violations were found to have occurred then he would be paid what he was owed, plus interest.

His new contract…….

States that he will be paid regardless of an investigation, like the one that is ongoing now by the NCAA and assuming he is found negligent or accountable for any wrong doing in the investigation, he will still get paid. Unless of course the university decides to use him as a sacrificial lamb and then Coach Chizik gets a rather substantial “buyout”.

Simply put…..
His old contract stated that his pay could be suspended if the football program was under investigation. His new contract says that his pay can’t be suspended if they are investigated. Make sense?

Now let’s look at some comparisons between two recent Heisman Trophy Winners

Quote by Mike Garrett, “former” USC Athletic Director regarding the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California Trojans.

“We have looked into the issue and there isn’t anything to it”

Quote by Jay Jacobs Auburn University Athletic Director regarding the NCAA Investigation into Cam Newton and the Auburn University Tigers.

“We have exhausted our resources and feel confident there isn’t anything to the allegations”

Quote by “Saint” Pete Carroll “former” USC Head Football Coach regarding the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California Trojans.

“We have looked into it and I feel confident there is nothing to it”

Quote by Coach Gene Chizik current Auburn University Head Football Coach Director regarding the NCAA Investigation into Cam Newton and the Auburn University Tigers.

“These allegations are garbage”

Quote by Reggie Bush “former” Heisman Trophy winner from the Southern Californian Trojans

“Man this is all junk I didn’t take no money from nobody”

Quote by Cam Newton current Heisman Trophy winner from Auburn University

“My parents do a lot of things behind the scenes to help me that nobody sees”

So why did long time Auburn Trustee and Dictator Emeritus Bobby Lowder voluntarily leave the post he “owned” on the Auburn University Board of Trustees?

Because the heat is coming, that’s why.

Why did Coach Gene Chizik have the “new” language placed into his contract?
Because it’s coming folks, it’s coming.

There is more to come on this topic…..
So stay tuned….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

As I predicted some weeks ago…..
Despite the fact we are several months away from Halloween…..

The Great Pumpkin is beginning to rise from the Pumpkin Patch!

That monolithic creature in Orange known as Fat Phil Fulmer has support from the University of Tennessee Board of Trustees to become the next Athletic Director at the University of Tennessee.

Yes it’s true.

Despite not having any experience in running any athletic department, managing a budget or even managing his own football team Fat Phil actually has support within the board of trustees and within some elements of the volunteer fan base to become athletic director.

And some of you actually wonder why I pick on the Volunteers?

I think this is an excellent time to remember just a few details during the “coach” Fulmer rein at the University of Tennessee.

EDITORS NOTE: Please feel free to play…..
“The Way We Were” in the background as you continue reading.

Then Assistant coach Phil Fulmer and athletic director Doug Dickey concocted a scheme to dispose and subsequently fire Volunteer legend and then head football coach Johnny Majors while coach Majors was in the hospital for a potential life threatening heart ailment.

Yes friends, that’s how Coach Phil “took over”; by screwing his “mentor”.

Should I mention that there are five NFL players who have been found guilty of committing murder the past few years and four of them played at the University of Tennessee under Coach Fulmer?

To say nothing of Coach Fulmer’s tolerance of rape armed robbery arson resisting arrest threatening law enforcement officers and any other number of crimes and misdemeanors while he was Head Football Coach at the University of Tennessee.

And wasn’t it amazing how Phil’s own “personal” attorney Jeff Haygood always seem to be present to “represent” the football players through their legal woes?

Say, isn’t that an NCAA violation?

Maybe I am being too harsh here.
After all I am sure top of the line legal counsel is hard to come by when you are a student athlete with little or no income and you are facing charges of rape of an underage mentally challenged girl in the athletic dormitory.

Don’t worry folks….
Coach Fulmer said he would “review the incident and take care of it internally”

He made that statement “after” he and his attorney met with the witnesses to the crime before they had a chance to meet with the police investigators.

That kind of sounds like he was interfering with a felony investigation, doesn’t it?
The Knoxville Police Department sure thought so.

But yet nothing happened to the rapist or coach Fulmer……
I guess the rape of an underage mentally challenged girl by one of his players isn’t that important to Phil because he took care of it “Internally”

Like so many other things during Coach Phil’s rein, it was all taken care of “Internally”

The scandal that involved changing grades for football players so they would be eligible to play was taken care of “internally” and within the “Tennessee Family”.

And who can forget the “walking classes” for football players and the embarrassment it caused the University of Tennessee, particularly when some of the players got a “D” in walking.

It was all handled “Internally”

EDITORS NOTE: I still can’t believe it was a three credit hour course

Do any of you remember the academic scandal Coach Phil started that involved classifying potential student-athletes as “mentally challenged” so they wouldn’t be held to the same standard of NCAA college eligibility?

When the news of that leaked out, you guessed it….
It was all handled “Internally” and within the “Tennessee Family”

EDITORS NOTE: Nothing says confidence in your student athlete’s mental acuity quite like classifying them as “Retarded”.

Does anyone want to discuss Coach Phil’s 6% graduation rate on the football team?

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering….
The average graduation rate for football players across the Southeastern Conference is 53%

This to say nothing of Phil’s knowledge of the NCAA violations of then Tennessee Quarterback Tee Martin and his “allowance” he received from a University of Tennessee Booster in Mobile, Alabama.

And just for the record: when Doug Dickey and Phil Fulmer didn’t report it, that my friends is an NCAA Violation of Biblical Proportions.

But that was o.k. because……
It was all handled “Internally” and within the “Tennessee Family”

EDITIORS NOTES: I am guessing my Ohio State Buckeye Fans are saying…
“What the Hell?”

Should I mention Coach Phil’s personal “investigation” into the University of Alabama and his string of “Secret Witnesses” that he interviewed personally at the home of Tennessee Board of Trustee and University Booster “Thunder” Thornton?

Yeah, that was all legal and above board, wasn’t it?

A hillbilly Inspector Clouseau, is this who you want running the athletic department?

The University of Tennessee has the opportunity to show some character and class with its selection of a new Athletic Director for men’s athletics and Phil Fulmer possesses neither of those qualities.

And let me take this a step further….

If “winning” is more important to you than the prosecution of someone that raped an underage mentally challenged girl, then you should fear for your soul.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

As you may know….

I am currently on an extended sabbatical before the start of the 2011 College Football Season.

It would appear from the variety of emails I receive I am not the only one who is awaiting the start of the new season. Or maybe the emails are a result of the full moon.

In either case enjoy the latest from the CFB Wizard email bag.

Your latest news from the College Football World will be out next week.

Enjoy

EMAIL Q and A

Q: Dear Doctor Wizard –

I got me a question that I need me an answer too.

My wife Geraldine, Miss Tooter to everybody around here, well she has her one of them medical appointments that’s just for women.

The problem is that she wants me to go with her.

Now I will be the first to tell you that I don’t know why a woman has to have a poop smear.

But I can tell you I damn sure don’t want to be in there when they is a doing it!

And I ain’t cleaning it up neither!

Hell, I couldn’t even change a diaper when we had our young’uns.
Makes me want to throw up just a thinking about that smell.

But if I tell Miss Tooter I can’t go to her poop smear then she will get meaner than a snapping turtle.
What should I do?

Dennis “Big Cricket” Davis
Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Congratulations, I am finally speechless………

Q: Dear CFB Wizard –

I hope yo ass is happy. Now I ain’t got no job.
Reggie Bush, New Orleans, Louisiana

A: Or a Heisman Trophy or a National Championship Ring…….

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –

My family and I are trying to cut back on expenses and I was wondering:
Can you cut your children’s hair with a “Flow-Bee”? It works like a charm on our dogs and even the Cats! (But they will scratch the heck out of you when you turn the machine on them!)

Thanks and War Damn Eagle!
Marge – Opelika, Alabama

A: I would encourage you and other Auburn faithful to do just that.
It sends a message that you are comfortable being “you”.
And please consider (while you are looking to maximize your budget) to try brushing your teeth with the Garden Weasel and be sure and use the screwdriver attachment for that pesky tarter.

Q: Hey Wizard Man!

We are a writing you from the heart of Big Orange Country, right here in Knoxville Tennessee!
We was a hoping you could settle a bet between some of us boys where we is a working.
If Coach Phil Fulmer and Wynona Judd was to fight who would win?

The Boys – Big 10 Tire, Knoxville, Tennessee

A: We all lose Boys……..Hence tsunamis

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard

As a Native American Indian and a leading advocate to change Native American NCAA mascots, I am appalled at your stance and insensitivity concerning this hurtful issue.

I encourage you to become more sensitive to the Native American peoples this coming season.
Please join us in banning these insensitive and hurtful images

Sincerely-
Chief Juniper Stink-Eye

A: Seriously, your name is Chief Stink-Eye?
I guess that beats being called Bobby Butthole.

Q: Howdy CFB Wizard!

I have a “little” problem and I hope you can give me some advice on what to do.

I live in Los Angeles and I have the nickname “Chaps” because I live a cowboy lifestyle.
I wear a Cowboy hat and Chaps to work (I work at Radio Shack off Wilshire Boulevard) and I wear Chaps cologne and even carry Chap-stick in my pants pocket.

Also I am a fan of both the Dallas Cowboys and Wyoming Cowboys and I am the current President of the Cowboy Copas Fan Club (International)

My question is this: Do you think I am over the top with my dedication to the cowboy lifestyle?

Happy Trails
Stephen – Los Angeles, California

A: Admit it Stephen…..
You are a closet Southern California Trojan fan in a Village People Cover band aren’t you?

Q: Dear Wizard Man

Let me ask you something Mister.
Why is it that you always find something to pick at about the University of Tennessee?
They is only the greatest sports teams ever in the history of sports teams.

We got that lady that won all that female basket ball stuff, who I can’t think of her name cause I don’t watch it. But it don’t matter cause they win everything there is to win! HA!

Then we got Coach Phil “Greatest Coach EVER” Fulmer that won about 20 National Hotdog eating Championships in a Damn Row! Ever heard of him?
I ain’t never seen a human being eat like that, it look like one of them video shows “When Animals Attack”.

Now we got us Coach Dereck “By God” Droolly and we stole him right from them damn Dogs in Georgia! HA! We got other sports too at Tennessee and we beat everybody’s ass in them sports too!

So why you so damn a writing about them all the time, jealous? HA!

Robert “June Bug” Craver

A: Let me guess….
You have a degree in English from the University of Tennessee am I right?

Q: Dear Sir –

Is there any truth to the internet rumor that the Great Coach Phil Fulmer will return to the University of Tennessee as the Athletic Director? I think he would bring the University back to the Championship stage and prove to be a great compliment to the tradition and pageantry that is the Beacon on the Hill.

Sincerely – Fhil Pulmer, Maryville, Tennessee

A: Nice try Dumbass………
I haven’t wadded through that much bull crap since I went to my last cattle auction.

Q: Hey there Football Wizard!

Without college football I got to tell you there ain’t a damn thing worth watching on television!

I don’t like basketball or baseball and I don’t understand hockey because I never lived in Canada.
Watching a bunch of people wearing sunglasses playing cards ain’t a damn sport!

And I will tell you something else….
Those people on ESPN are smoking crack if they think watching somebody ride a damn bicycle is exciting. It’s worse than watching golf, if that’s possible.

Have you ever tried watching one of them “reality” shows?
My God it will make your damn head pop clean off your shoulders!
If I wanted to set around and watch a bunch Yeah-Who’s arguing I would have gone to my wife’s family reunion, you know what I mean?

Thanks for letting me get that out of my system. So how is Georgia looking this year?

Go DAWGS!
Chip – Dahlonega, Georgia

A: I feel your pain Chip……….
The Dawgs will be better than expected but not as good as you would like…..

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard

I know there are brighter days ahead for my beloved Florida State Seminoles, but I still miss watching Coach Bobby wander the sidelines. What has he been up to lately?

Thanks!
GO NOLES!

Chuck – Tallahassee, Florida

A: Coach Bobby is doing the same thing he did the past ten years he coached Chuck.
He wanders around the house aimlessly talking to himself while urinating in Mrs. Bowden’s potted plants.

Q: Dear Mister Wizard

I have a question: My Little boy Jimmy dances every time he hears the Michigan Fight Song and at first it was cute as hell (I admit it).
He would wave his arms around and do this little jig and it was entertaining (I admit it).
But now he is almost sixteen years old and he is still doing the same dance.

Except now when he dances he looks like an octopus that just got tazed.
Frankly it’s just creepy.
Do you have any ideas on how I can detour him from continuing this embarrassing ritual?
Thanks!
GO BLUE
Robert – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: For starters I would take the Modern Bride magazines out of his room and whip his ass and then force him to watch any game the past (How many years?) when the Buckeyes beat the crap out of the wolverines. That will take the steam out of his dancing shoes.

Q: Dear Sir –

I work as an Abe Vigoda impersonator and I am currently unemployed.
Could I work on your CFB Wizard staff?

I could talk to people at games or tailgating and they would think its Abe Vigoda interviewing them!
How Great would that be?

Plus I KNOW how to hold an audience’s attention!
How you may ask? Because I look like Abe Vigoda!
That’s How!
I look forward to hearing back from you!
I am ready to go to work!

Sincerely,
Richard “Abe Vigoda” Pulaski, Las Vegas, Nevada

A: I guess this is a step up from the William Shatner impersonator that wants to work on the staff…
Or maybe not…..

I will have the HR Department with CFB Wizard contact you Richard, but please don’t send us any more pictures and we are returning the ones you sent of yourself in a Speedo.

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard

I respectfully request that you inform your loyal readers particularly those of whom are Florida Gator fans of an important message. I would like to inform those fans who happen to be on the campus of the University of Florida, specifically near the stadium known as “The Swamp”, that touching the Tim Tebow statue in the “naughty place” will not make the blind to see or the lame to walk.

Additionally those people touching the statue in the “naughty place” will not receive three wishes or will from the act of clicking their respective heels together get a vacation to Cancun.

I hope this clears up any confusion.

Sincerely,
The Pope, Rome Italy

PS: How do you think the Fighting Irish will do this year?

A: Thank you your imminence for that timely public service announcement
(Give me a call your holiness and I will give you the low down on the Boys from South Bend)

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

There is some recent news from the NCAA “defending” their decisions concerning Cam Newton of Auburn and the players with Ohio State University that are to be punished next year for this year’s offenses.

I know the legal speak can be difficult to understand.
That’s why you have your Favorite College Football Prognosticator….

I will guide you through what they are saying….

Enjoy and Happy New Year

By The Associated Press

The NCAA defended its recent rulings in violations cases involving Ohio State and Auburn, saying it does not play favorites or make decisions based on financial considerations.

EDITORS NOTES: Before I explain the NCAA statement, I have on good authority the entire message was delivered by the NCAA in a lead proof bunker, as they were concerned with such blatant lies that the entire staff could be struck at anytime by lightning.

“Doesn’t play favorites”? Seriously? Then explain the Reggie Bush investigation?
If they don’t make decisions based on “Financial Considerations”, then why does the Harvard School of Business rate the NCAA as the Number One monopoly in this country ahead of Microsoft?
It’s because it’s ALL about the money.

How much money does the NCAA make with EA Sports alone on the player’s likeness for video games, yet doesn’t feel obligated to share any of the revenues with the players themselves.

In fact they make so many billions (yes, I said Billions) of dollars the NCAA cannot produce a financial report of any note detailing where and how much revenue they accumulate

The NCAA Statement continues…

The NCAA posted a statement on its website Wednesday responding to critics. It says “the notion that the NCAA is selective with its eligibility decisions and rules enforcement is another myth with no basis in fact.

EDITORS NOTES: Myth? So we are supposed to believe the NCAA isn’t selective in their enforcements? Really?

Well here are a few facts for you Jackass……

Not that long ago…..
Florida State University was forced to forfeit games and relinquish scholarships because of an academic scandal, yet these same offenses were committed by other programs and they didn’t receive any punishment near as harsh as the one leveled against the Seminoles.

The North Carolina Tar Heels had a number of players ruled in eligible prior to the opening game of the season for offenses they committed prior to the season. Other teams were forced to do the same by the NCAA, yet offenses “did” take place this year by the Ohio State Buckeyes and they are allowed to play in “this” years bowl game.

The University of Alabama was placed on probation by the NCAA and threatened with the “Death Penalty” over the Albert Means Investigation. Yet, even in Federal Court, there was no evidence to support that any money was exchanged or any offense had taken place. The NCAA found Alabama guilty even as they said “You have done everything right and dotted all the “I’s” and crossed all the “T’s”, and there is nothing more you (Alabama) as an institution could have done. We are still finding you guilty.”

Then we have…..

The Reggie Bush investigation…..
It took you dumbasses at the NCAA FIVE years to find Reggie’s Momma’s house?

Then there was Southern Cal Trojan Dwayne Jarrett….
Who the NCAA said “he didn’t know he had to pay $4500.00 month in rent for his apartment”

The Right Reverend Cecil Newton lied about trying to sell Cam Newton’s services to Mississippi State and we are to believe he didn’t sell his services elsewhere?

I think I have made my point….

Yeah, I would say they are pretty damn selective with eligibility decisions and rules enforcement and that is no myth.

The NCAA Statement continues…

“Money is not a motivator or factor as to why one school would get a particular decision versus another. Any insinuation that revenue from bowl games in particular would influence NCAA decisions is absurd, because schools and conferences receive that revenue, not the NCAA.”

EDITORS NOTES: Hey Pinocchio, you really expect us to believe money isn’t a motivating factor for the NCAA? The NCAA gets a cut off every T-shirt, hat, football game, television revenue, bowl game and video game. I honestly don’t know which is more insulting….
When the NCAA says “money isn’t a motivating factor” or when they say “We care about the student athlete’s education”

The NCAA Statement continues…

Last week, the NCAA suspended five Ohio State players for five games next season for selling their championship rings, trophies and other memorabilia items, but is allowing them to play in the upcoming Sugar Bowl.
Before the NCAA handed down its penalties, Ohio State officials informed Sugar Bowl organizers that the school was lobbying for the players to be eligible for the Jan. 4 game.
Sugar Bowl executive director Paul Hoolahan told The Columbus Dispatch that he encouraged Ohio State officials to push for the players to be allowed to play against Arkansas.
“I made the point that anything that could be done to preserve the integrity of this year’s game, we would greatly appreciate it,” Hoolahan was quoted was saying in Wednesday’s editions of the newspaper. “That appeal did not fall on deaf ears, and I’m extremely excited about it, that the Buckeyes are coming in at full strength and with no dilution.”

EDITORS NOTES: Integrity? Anytime one of these talking heads starts talking about “Integrity” it’s like asking a prostitute about virginity.

The NCAA Statement continues…

Arkansas athletic director Jeff Long told the AP he had no problem with Hoolahan looking out for the Sugar Bowl.
“He’s the leader of the Sugar Bowl and probably needs to do that,” Long said. “I also don’t think that his lobbying, so to speak, would carry a whole lot of weight with the NCAA when they make their decisions. I don’t mean that with any disrespect to Paul Hoolahan, but I would be surprised if the NCAA took that into consideration when making their decision.”

Last month, the NCAA did not punish Auburn quarterback Cam Newton, even though it ruled his father had solicited money from Mississippi State while that school was recruiting his son.

EDITORS NOTES: You aren’t interested in my opinion here on the Cam Newton “situation” and the NCAA already stated earlier and I quote:

“The NCAA posted a statement on its website Wednesday responding to critics. It says “the notion that the NCAA is selective with its eligibility decisions and rules enforcement is another myth with no basis in fact.”

So let’s go to the rule book shall we, and it states:

“If at any time before or after matriculation in a member institution a student-athlete or any member of his/her family receives or agrees to receive, directly or indirectly, any aid or assistance beyond or in addition to that permitted by the Bylaws of this Conference (except such aid or assistance as such student-athlete may receive from those persons on whom the student is naturally or legally dependent for support), such student-athlete shall be ineligible for competition in any intercollegiate sport within the Conference for the remainder of his/her college career.”

Need I say more?

The NCAA Statement continues…

In the Ohio State case, the NCAA said players — including quarterback Terrelle Pryor and three other starters — had been inadequately educated about the rules and that was a mitigating factor in the case. The NCAA reiterated that point in its statement Wednesday.

EDITORS NOTES: Inadequately educated? Aren’t these boys in college?
Or do they mean like when Southern Cal Trojan Dwayne Jarrett didn’t know he had to pay rent?

It also said bowl games, the postseason and NCAA championships are evaluated differently when determining a student-athletes’ punishment.

EDITORS NOTES: Didn’t the NCAA just contradict their earlier statement on consistency?
Yes, yes they most certainly did………..

The NCAA Statement continues…

“This policy was developed and implemented by the Division I membership, specifically the Division I Committee on Student-Athlete Reinstatement and approved by the Division I Academics/Eligibility/Compliance Cabinet, in 2004,” the statement said.
In the Newton case, the Heisman Trophy winner was allowed to continue playing because there was no evidence that he or Auburn knew about Cecil Newton’s attempts to get Mississippi State to pay $180,000 for his son’s commitment out of junior college.
The NCAA said Wednesday that efforts are being made to strengthen rules “when benefits or money are solicited (but not received).”

EDITORS NOTES: “No Evidence”?
Where does the NCAA get their “investigators” from, Aruba?

“Put simply, had Cam Newton’s father or a third party actually received money or benefits for his recruitment, Cam Newton would have been declared ineligible regardless of his lack of knowledge,” the NCAA said.

EDITORS NOTES: Really, but the rule clearly states……

“If at any time before or after matriculation in a member institution a student-athlete or any member of his/her family receives or agrees to receive, directly or indirectly, any aid or assistance beyond or in addition to that permitted by the Bylaws of this Conference (except such aid or assistance as such student-athlete may receive from those persons on whom the student is naturally or legally dependent for support), such student-athlete shall be ineligible for competition in any intercollegiate sport within the Conference for the remainder of his/her college career.”

EDITORS NOTE: Enough said…..

Auburn, Alabama

And if you are wondering how Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton spent the Holiday’s
(I know I am…)
Here you go…..

Newton served food to homeless for Christmas

AUBURN, Ala. — Heisman Trophy winner Cam Newton spent part of Christmas Day dishing out green beans. Or “Santa beans” as he called them. Cam went on to say….
“See, I call them Santa beans cause it’s like you know, Santa’s Birf-day or something.”

The Auburn quarterback said Wednesday he spent about two hours at Turner Field in Atlanta serving homeless people for Hosea Feed the Hungry, a nonprofit organization affiliated with the Martin Luther King Jr. People’s Church of Love.

Newton says he posed for some pictures but for the most part “had to step outside of Cam Newton the athlete and step into Cam Newton the human being and the person that is very caring, you know cause most of de time I care about me, you know not other peoples. Also I like talking bout me in da third person, it make me sound smart.”

He says it was an “eye-opener” and something he wants to do again soon.
Newton says the trip home to Atlanta was nice after a whirlwind when he won the Heisman and the Davey O’Brien and Maxwell awards.

He says his family won’t let all that get to him or as the Auburn Quarterback stated….
“They won’t let it get to me cause they be taken some of it for themselves”

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

We have reached the end of the 2010 College Football Season….

In this last edition will have end of the Season Emails…..

A New Year’s message or two….

And the last segment of the 2010 Bowl Predictions…

To include the BCS National Championship game…

Thank you all for coming along for the ride this year…
I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you.

Enjoy….

END OF YEAR EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Hey Mister Wizard, I know Christmas is over (Merry Christmas by the way) but my family and I made a trip to Dollywood and seen the “Nutcracker”, it was a hell of a thing to watch!
If you ever get the chance you need to go see it!
Thanks for all the picks this year, we sure enjoyed them!
The Davis family – Union City, Tennessee

A: Thank you Davis family, for those kind words, however…
I refuse to see the “Nutcracker” because it makes me uncomfortable for reasons that should be abundantly obvious. In fact I am feeling uncomfortable right now writing about it…

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard –
Your description of esteemed Auburn University Trustee Bobby Lowder is inaccurate and offensive.
He is not a dictator nor is he some maniacal power hungry lunatic!

Sure he has fired an editor of the Auburn student newspaper, but it didn’t have ANYTHING to do with an article about him, hardly, it was because the kid had acne and grossed people out.

He not only is the PRESIDENT of Colonial Bank (Ever heard of it?) but he is also one of the nicest people on the planet. Sure he has fired coaches and hired others without the consent of the University, BIG DEAL!
He knows what is best for Auburn University, NOT YOU!

So what if he still pays coach’s NOT to coach, we have jobs for them like calling Bo Jackson to wake him up in the morning, so how about just shutting up about it!

Mr. Lowder is the kind of man that really cares about the student athletes at Auburn University!
If some football player from a disadvantaged home who just happened to have a father that is a Preacher and they get some “help” from Colonial Bank on a no interest loan that they know he won’t ever pay back and then they can just write it off, SO WHAT?

It’s none of your War Damn Eagle business

Sincerely,

Lobby Bowder – Auburn, Alabama

A: I can smell your fear from here “Lobby”….
I’m coming for you big boy…

Q: Dear Sir –
I have a problem and I hope you can help me.
My neighbors are “Tennessee Fans” and their children came out of the house on Christmas morning, wearing these horrible, glow in the dark (God awful!) orange clothes that were clearly given to them for Christmas by their parents.
Should I say something to their parents?

Charlotte – Columbia, South Carolina

A: Charlotte under no circumstances should you say anything to the parents.
The next time you see the children outside in such garb, immediately call child protective services.
That constitutes child abuse…..
Same can be said if a child is wearing Michigan Wolverine clothing….

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
I was downright afraid after I read what Hootie Snitch wrote about Fulmer Claus coming into your house for Christmas! Now I ain’t completely sure but I think he may have snuck in our trailer house after we went to sleep.
Is there a sign or something that would tell me that Fulmer Claus was in our house?
Thanks and a Big Ole War Dam Eagle to you and Yours!

Chip and Susan – Opelika, Alabama

A: There are two signs actually Chip….
Your dog is pregnant and there are orange boogers on the couch….
The good news is the orange boogers should fit nicely with the rest of your décor….

Q: Mister Wizard –
First we want to thank you for a year of prognostications and humor!
Secondly I was wondering if you could settle a bet in our family this Christmas.
What is your favorite Christmas movie? Is it “It’s a Wonderful Life” or is it “Christmas Vacation” with Chevy Chase? (Those are the two choices we came up with)
Can you settle the bet for us; a fruit cake hangs in the balance.

The Roger’s Family – Little Rock, Arkansas

A: Thank you for the kind and generous words Roger’s Family….
However….
My two favorite Holiday Classics are Billy Jack and Lone Wolf McQuade with Chuck Norris.
I believe if Chuck Norris would have roundhouse kicked Mr. Potter in the first ten seconds of “It’s a Wonderful Life” there wouldn’t have been any need for Clarence the Angel to go through that nut roll to get his wings.

Q: Dear Sir –
I am somewhat surprised that a Neanderthal such as yourself and being a Marine as well, that you haven’t mentioned a word about the President eliminating the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Policy” from the Armed Forces. This is a glorious day in our country when homosexuals can proudly come out of the closet and into the mainstream of the military and I am perplexed as to your lack of commenting.
We were all expecting some kind of crude, childish sophomoric remarks from you.

Claire “Butch” Dykeson
Gay and Lesbian Coalition, San Francisco California

A: On the contrary Claire…..
I too am greatly encouraged.
Since the Government has decided to turn our once proud military into a perverted social experiment, It has motivated me to push legislation to end the worst of all injustices in our society today….
That’s right….
I am talking about not allowing blind people to operate heavy equipment, such as cranes and wrecking balls. The policy known as “If you can’t see, you can’t drive” has discriminated against blind people for decades. You may say; “what if they strike the wrong building with a wrecking ball?” And to that I say, you can put a price on a building but you can’t put a price on injustice.
I say end the discrimination and let blind people operate heavy equipment.

Makes sense, right?

NEW YEAR MESSAGE FROM HOOTIE SNITCH

First things First…..
Hope yawl all had a Very Merry Christmas…..

Because you better get ready…..

Cause in 2011 the Tennessee Volunteers are fixing to be Number Damn One!

So Happy New Year Yawl!
GO VOLS!

Hootie – Out!

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO ASS FOR THE NEW YEAR
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

I was a thinking the other day and I wrote me a little poem about all the things been going on.

Here it goes….

Ah’s out by the pond, with an ice cold beer
Sippin dat brew, got a fish on da line.
Ah was thankin bout thangs, Ah saw on TV
On my old black and white, yeah, it suited me.

See they was a thang, on tha’ Eee-Ess-Pee-EeN
Said some Ohia State players, was guilty as sin.
Them boys took ‘em some britches, and trinkets and thangs
And sold ‘em all off, for what money they’d brang.

And ah got ta thankin bout the EN-Cee-A-A
And wonderin’ what kinda B.S., they was gon’ say.
Cause I member back, a couple a months
Bout that boy Cam, and some a his stunts.

Ole, Cam’s a big boy, he’s a helluba playa
Wore out dem Game-Cocks, ran ober a Gata.
But what stuck in my craw, was fore he came a Tiger
His daddy, a preacher, came off like a liar.

See there was some folks, from Miss’ssippi State
They wanted him bad, so he’d change their fate.
But HIS daddy Cecil, dat ole preacher man,
Was gon’ make ‘em pay, he wanted a few grand.

But he didn’t end up playin, over in Stark-ville
He signed with Auburn, gave them folks a thrill.
Now that left me thankin’, and scratchin my head,
How THEY got that boy, with no money bein’ shed.

But somebody got sump’in, ole Cecil cashed in.
Cause his church was in shambles, about to cave in.
But all of a sudden, ‘round first of the year,
His buildin’ was fixed up, all the church folks did cheer.

This whole situation, it stunk like a deuce,
Cause half the damn countrys, drankin’ Cammy Cam Juice.
One day he’s suspended, then one day he’s right back,
N-C-double-A, must’ve been high on crack.

They said that ole Cam, didn’t know what’s goin’ on
That his daddy’s at fault, just him that done wrong.
But the rules that they have, say any relation,
If they’s doin’ wrong, is gonna face some damnation.

So that arr’gant young buck, he got out and he played
Auburn climbed to Number one, and that’s where they stayed.
Gonna play Or’gon Quacks, gonna have a big bash,
Cause them College rules folks, all they want is cash.

So I scratched my head, right down to my scalp,
This whole situation, it aint worth a crap,
Cause what them college folks done, had no rhyme or no reason,
They need investigatin’, for fixin’ a season.

THE BOWL GAMES (PART II)

December 30th

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Forth Worth, Texas
Southern Methodist and Army
You are probably wondering why there is no security alerts issued for this game….
That there is no reported terrorist activity in the Fort Worth area…..
The answer is simple….
Chuck Norris lives near Fort Worth….

This one is for Dandy Don Meredith, the Mighty Mustang….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-17

New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Bronx, New York
Kansas State and Syracuse
This Bowl Game in the “Bronx” in December….
(How damn stupid is that…)
Was originally called the “Car Jack Bowl”
Which is far more appropriate than naming a Bowl game after a type of suit…
WILDCATS 24-21

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
Nashville, Tennessee
North Carolina and Tennessee
This Bowl game is sponsored by a mortgage company?
Well, you know what that means….
The winner gets a trophy….
And the loser losses a house….
VOWELS 33-28

Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl
San Diego, California
Nebraska and Washington
At first I thought the name of this Bowl game was a joke….
“Education” in California…..
They can’t balance the state’s budget because they are broke (Math)
They have a Governor that can’t speak English (Public Speaking)
A lot of people in the state are there illegally and can’t or won’t speak or write English rendering them illiterate (Writing)
The latest poll in Los Angles says that a preponderance of people there still think O.J. Simpson is innocent of the Murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman (Mental Retardation)
And if you ever took the time to read a California High School History book, let me break it down for you….America sucks and it’s all Whiteys fault.
Education in California….
That is a joke…

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 28-21

December 31st

Meineke Car Care Bowl
Charlotte, North Carolina
Clemson and South Florida
I have a question concerning this sponsorship..
Who is this Jewish guy and why does he care about your car?
DABO’S TIGERS 33-17

Hyundai Sun Bowl
El Paso, Texas
Miami and Notre Dame
There was a time this was one hell of a game….
But it’s not that time…
HURRICANES 28-24

AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Memphis, Tennessee
Central Florida and Georgia
I like Memphis, maybe because I’m an Elvis man…
Thank you, thank you very much…
SIC EM DAWGS 34-24

Chick-fil-A Bowl
Atlanta, Georgia
Florida State and South Carolina
I have gotten a number of emails from both camps concerning this Bowl.
Here is the question that will determine the course of the game.
Which Garcia is going to show up for the Bowl game?
Here is your answer….
SEMINOLES 31-21

January 1st 2011

TicketCity Bowl
Dallas, Texas
Northwestern and Texas Tech
I cannot in good conscience support a Bowl game when the sponsors don’t even know where the damn game is being played. The game is in DALLAS, not TicketCity (Which I think is a speed trap outside of Nashville, Tennessee)
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 31-28

Outback Bowl
Tampa, Florida
Penn State and Florida
Joe Pa’s Lions are better on paper….
But this is Urban’s last game as a Gator…
And it won’t be played on paper
MIGHTY GATORS 28-24

Capital One Bowl
Orlando, Florida
Michigan State and Alabama
The Co-Big Ten Champion against the 2009 National Champions
It’s going to be a heck of a game
CRIMSON TIDE 34-24

Gator Bowl
Jacksonville, Florida
Michigan and Mississippi State
The City of Jacksonville, Florida wisely passed an ordinance when they realized the Michigan Wolverines were invited to the Bowl game. It is illegal for Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife Rita to appear on any Jacksonville beaches in anything other than a NASA space suit.
Wise move….
BULLY DOGS 31-28

Rose Bowl game presented by VIZIO
Pasadena, California
Wisconsin and Texas Christian
This is a must see game between two outstanding programs…
I’m just not sure why a Japanese guy is presenting it….
THE POWER OF CHEESE WHIZ 28-24

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Glendale, Arizona
Oklahoma and Connecticut
The Boys from Connecticut are going to be introduced to…
A Oklahoma Ass Whipping..
Believe it
BOOMER SOONERS 43-17

January 3rd 2011

Discover Orange Bowl
Miami, Florida
Virginia Tech and Stanford
The Cardinal has too much Luck for the Fighting Turkeys
CARDINAL 38-21

January 4th 2011

Allstate Sugar Bowl
New Orleans, Louisiana
Arkansas and Ohio State
Everyone is picking the Buckeyes in this one…
Except me
HAWGS 31-24

January 6th 2011

GoDaddy.com Bowl
Mobile, Alabama
Miami (OH) and Middle Tennessee State
I dearly love Mobile and I would like to be in the Flora-Bama Lounge as your reading this…
However, what the hell are they doing scheduling this game the day after the Sugar Bowl?
I don’t get it…
REDHAWKS 34-17

January 7th 2011

AT&T Cotton Bowl
Arlington, Texas
Texas A&M and LSU
Before I make my selection here…..
It’s important to note that Jerry “dumbass” Jones helped move the Cotton Bowl from Dallas (Where God Almighty intended it to be, Amen) to his stadium in Arlington where the Cowboys play. I have on good authority that is why God is punishing the Cowboys and preventing them from going to the playoffs. Amen
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 31-21

January 8th 2011

BBVA Compass Bowl
Birmingham, Alabama
Pittsburgh and Kentucky
I am all too familiar with the litany of acronyms across the military spectrum.
However, it confounds me as to why the maker of a compass has to put his initials in front of it.
Never mind…
JOKERS CATS 28-17

January 9th 2011

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl
San Francisco, California
Boston College and Nevada
If “Kraft” really wanted to “Fight” hunger they would make those individually wrapped cheese slices easier to unwrap. Why the hell do those things have to be child proof anyway?
Its Cheese damn it.
PACK OF WOLVES 34-17

January 10th 2011

Tostitos BCS National Championship Game
Glendale, Arizona
Auburn and Oregon
No one is really talking about Oregon…..
Which traditionally isn’t a good sign for the favored team
However, I am going with the Southeastern Conference in this one…
And the best player money could buy.
WAR DAMN EAGLES 38-34

2010 Post Season……

I want to thank you all for reading my Prognostications and Diatribes this Season and I’ve enjoyed your comments both good and not-so-good, they keep me honest. I will have periodic updates up until the BCS National Championship game and there will be a post game review of the festivities. So stay tuned.
But before I depart I wanted to leave you all with a traditional greeting from my home country…
Happy New Year…..

Click here to view the embedded video.

God Bless you all and thank you again for reading.

ROLL TIDE
THE CFB WIZARD

It’s that time of year again…….

When people will annoy the living hell of me by saying…..

“Happy Holidays”

This always elicits a response from me similar to this….

“Which Holiday is it? What’s that over there, is that a Holiday tree?”

I will tell you what “Holiday” it is….

It’s Christmas……

Glad I could break it down for you……

And it’s also time for Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator’s

2010 College Football Awards…..

So set back and enjoy the year that was….

And…..

Merry Christmas….

EMAIL LETTERS OF THE WEEK

Q: Mister Wizard I got me a question
I think I done finally met “The One” and Love hit me like a spark from a bad battery….
I ran into this woman at the Piggly Wiggly and she smelled…
Just like the inside of my Momma’s purse.

So I follow her and well…..
I didn’t have no money for a Christmas present and so what I done was….
I give her a mason jar that I done spit in as a gift….

Now maybe I got me the magnesia from that hit on the head I took last year from throwing softballs underneath a moving lawnmower…..
But last time I checked that was a dandy gift….

So here’s my question….
What should I get that gal and let her know that I got the betrothed for her?

“Fast Eddie” – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Eddie I take it from your eloquent description of love…..
That you are clearly a University of Tennessee Volunteer fan…..
With that being the case….
I would say you have picked out the perfect Christmas Gift…
The fact she has not returned your “affections” may be due to the fact she isn’t a Volunteer Fan, even if she did smell like “Your Momma’s Purse”

Q: Dear Sir –
This time of year can be so confusing; it’s hard to know what to believe in when it comes to religion.
Between Hanukkah and Christmas I hardly know what to say to people or what to believe in.
I feel kind of lost and was in hopes you could guide me through this…..

Tim – Conway, Arkansas

A: Tim, this time of year can be tough…..
But you came to the right place….
I have found there are three basic truths when it comes to religion.
One….Jewish people don’t recognize Jesus as the messiah
Two…Protestants don’t recognize the Pope as a deity….
Three……..Baptist don’t recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters…

Q: Hey Mister Wizard –
What ever happened to the regular Bowl games without all the sponsorships?
When is it going to end?
What’s next? The X-Lax Bowl sponsored by Charmin Bathroom Tissue?

Nick – Platte City, Missouri

A: Unfortunately Nick……
That particular “Bowl” game is scheduled to be played next year in Sioux City Iowa….

2010 CFB WIZARD COLLEGE FOOTBALL AWARDS

CHRISTMAS SAFETY TIP

This Christmas season it’s important for parents in the East Tennessee area, to be extremely careful when allowing their children to “visit” Santa at the local shopping mall.

It has been reported that Fat Phil Fulmer has been seen disguised as Saint Nick in an effort to devour unsuspecting children before he goes into hibernation on 30 December.

If you are unsure as to the real identity of your shopping mall Santa, here are the clues to assist you to determine if Fat Phil has infiltrated Santa’s Workshop.

If the “Santa” is over 700 pounds and smells like Krispy Crème Donuts….

If the “Santa” begins to salivate like an attack dog at the sight of a plump child…

If “Santa” is wearing a glow in the dark orange outfit as opposed to the traditional crimson outfit

Then call the authorities immediately……
Or the local Zoo, they are familiar with tranquilizing large animals….

BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT FROM CRAIGS LIST

Email Found on Craiglist under Unique Christmas Gift Ideas:

“For sale: One brand new, unused 2010 Heisman Trophy.
Please contact the Right Rev. Newton.
No NCAA inquiries please.”

BEST TEAM NOT in the BCS CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

The award this year is a tie between…..

The Wisconsin Badgers and the Texas Christian Horned Frogs

Either one or both of these teams are worthy of a “real” shot at the National Championship and if you don’t think so; then by all means schedule a game with them next year.

BEST DISPLAY of UNBRIDLED ADULATION

The CBS College Football commentating crew of Vern “Cammy Cam Juice” Lundquest and Gary “I Heart Cammy” Danielson and Tracy “I have an unsightly mole on my upper lip” Wolfson won this award for their undying love and devotion of all things related to Auburn quarterback Cam Newton.

I haven’t seen that much suckling since I bought a trailer full of new calves.

BEST LITTLE RICHARD IMITATION

Again a member of the CBS College Football crew takes home the prize…..
This time from the CBS College Football Studio..

Spencer Tillman not only wears more makeup than Little Richard….
He sounds even gayer…

Congratulations, I think

BEST PLAYER MONEY COULD BUY

This award is also known as the Reggie Bush Award…..

The winner in a landslide is Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton….

How appropriate…

UGLIEST CHEERLEADER AWARD

This Award does not go to the ugliest Cheerleader Uniforms as was though last year by some readers. This Award is for the actual “ugliest” cheerleaders themselves.

And the Winner is….

The Michigan Wolverine Cheerleaders….
With the help of Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” the Wolverine Cheerleaders adopted rather whorish Maze and Blue eye shadow and eight inch clear plastic stripper shoes.

The fact that most of those girls could eat corn on the cob through a tennis rack only added to their already impressive lead over second place Notre Dame.

The other piece of good news related to this award…..
Rita Rod and the Michigan Wolverine Cheerleaders are slated to be on VH1 in the Spring
on “Bret Michaels Rock of Love VII: The Collection of Skanks”

Congratulations Ladies…

BIGGEST COACH

The Head Coach of the Maryland Terrapins takes home the Award this year…

Although Coach Ralph Friedgen isn’t as big as Wynonna Judd, it is important to note that she is not a college football coach and therefore is not eligible for this award.

BEST IMITATION OF A COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACH

Although the “mighty” Southern California Trojans are ineligible for a Bowl game this season due to the Reggie Bush saga, they none the less take home an award this year as “coach” Lame Kitten continues his hilarious and often times childish imitation of a “real” college football coach.

My favorite part is when his Daddy dresses him for each game, priceless.

JACQUE COUSTEAU AWARD

This Award is given out to the College Football “commentator” who clearly has a snorkel in his or her butt because they seemingly can’t seem to shut the hell up during an entire game.

The winner this year in a close contest…..

ABC Sports Brent Musburger who was followed closely by ESPN’s extremely homely Pam Ward. Both of which are deserving of the award, but it was rumored during one Big Ten telecast that Pam Ward actually paused during a play and that was the difference in the voting. Yes, it was that close.

EDITORS NOTE: Or as they used to say in the country…..
Both of these people are as windy as a bag full of buttholes

THE NEBULOUS FACTS AWARD

This Award wasn’t even close…..

The CBS College Football telecast continues to stun and amaze with such “facts” as:

Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton LOVES Ice Cream……

Every Time the LSU Tigers walk on to the field leading with their left foot, they score first and when they don’t they score second.

Arkansas Quarterback Ryan Mallet is over six feet five inches tall, which is taller than any cast member in the Wizard of Oz.

The University if Kentucky plays their home games in Lexington, which was also the name of an aircraft carrier during World War II

The Georgia Bulldogs have a “G” on the side of their helmets which also happens to be the first letter in “Georgia”

Steve Spurrier used to coach the Florida Gators and now he coach’s the South Carolina Gamecocks and they are two different teams.

Mississippi State is known for their cowbells which are used for cows and also for locating Vern Lundquest when he is liquored up and wanders away from his motel room.

The Tennessee Volunteers are called the Volunteers because Tennessee is the Volunteer state, which is different than the Show Me State which is Missouri.

Congratulations you bunch of irritating AFLAC Duck loving idiots….

UGLIEST UNIFORM AWARD

The clear winner of this award is….

The butt ugly Oregon Duck Uniforms….

I am convinced somebody on heroin designed this combination of glow in the dark nightmares that forces the viewer at home to wear sunglasses while watching television.

UGLIEST FOOTBALL FIELD

The Boise State Bronco’s and their horribly disgusting “Blue” football field takes the award this year, last year and more than likely next year as well.

I’m color blinded and it gives me a damn headache, I can only imagine the insanity it causes the rest of you during telecast.

Those are your awards this year…..
Congratulations to all the winners…

Your Bowl prognostications are a day away…..
So Stay Tuned, there is a lot more on the way this Christmas…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Thanksgiving is right around the corner….
And that means one thing…

The next three weeks the fiercest rivalries in all of college football will be played.

There will be Egg Bowls and Apple Cups…

Civil Wars and Good Ole Fashioned Hate

There will be Iron wills and Iron Bowls….

Just thinking about it….
Can make your stomach queasier than Aunt Edna’s five bean casserole
Where are my Tums?

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Much like Elvis and Richard Petty, it’s good to be the King.

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather astounding 46 and 10 last week or 82%.
This leaves me at 504 and 120 or 81% for the season.
But just for the record…
“NO” I do not want to talk about my beloved Texas Longhorns…

EMAIL LETTER(S) OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
You sir, espouse to be a southern gentlemen and are a self ascribed expert in all things southern.
So I have question that my family and I are in hopes you can help us with.
Upon moving to the “south” from up north, specifically Springfield Illinois, we were appalled at how prejudiced everyone is in the south.

People in our new neighborhood laughed at me when I put our mailbox up with our name on it!
And some kids drove by and told me to “get the hell out of the neighborhood!”

My wife and I went to a local church and someone there pointed at my name on my visitors “Hello My Name Is” tag
and that person told me “We don’t mind you coming to church here, but there better not be any funny business going on in the back pews”.
I have never been so shocked and appalled in all my life!
So I ask you sir, why would people in such a “friendly southern town” react in such a harsh way to strangers from the north!
Is it the way we look, is it the way we talk or is there something wrong with our name?
I ask you?
Moe and Ima Queer, Rome, Georgia

A: Seriously….
“MOE and IMA QUEER”
You are the Queer Family?
I think I just whizzed on myself…

Q: Sir,
We are avid readers of your web site and were wondering if you could do us a favor.
You see, we are producers and directors of adult “art” films.
Just want you to know that even the Supreme Court ruled that our movies were NOT pornography, but art.
So, what we would like to know is if you have some kind of copyright or trademark claim on the title “Pirates and Blue Ho’s”
because we were thinking it would make a GREAT title for our next production.
It would be a classic retelling of rather amorous Pirates pillaging a Connecticut village of Democrats and the subsequent sexual escapades.
It’s pure genius.
Sincerely
The Dark Bros.
Burbank, Ca.

A: Now, the emails are just getting creepy..

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“Now everybody has done heard about that Fig Newton kid from Auburn….
And what’s them Auburn fans a saying?
Why that boy’s daddy’s a preacher he didn’t take no money or ask for nothing!
Cause he’s a Preacher!
Well let me tell you something about that….
My wife Sassy and I have been married for 53 years and we have been going to the same church here in Opp Alabama since we known one another….
And during that whole time up until last Sunday they pass the plate for the “Building Fund” and they hadn’t bought so much as a new door knob since we been there.
But the Preacher drives a new Cadillac…
So don’t be telling me cause a man claims to be a preacher he won’t take something that don’t belong to him”

EDITORS NOTE: Well said my friend, see you soon…

THE PICKS

Thursday November 18th

Georgia State at Alabama
“coach” Bill Curry asked for this game…..
The lesson to be learned here…
Be Careful what you ask for….
CRIMSON TIDE 43-10

UCLA at Washington
Where is Coach James when you need him….
BRUINS 24-21

Air Force at UNLV
Last time I was in Vegas I lost some money at the tables…
And I wanted to bomb the town myself…
This Saturday I get my revenge..
MIGHTY FALCONS 38-17

Friday November 19th

Fresno State at Boise State
Wow…….
Another tough opponent for the Smurf Turf Boys….
What? The Taxidermy Academy isn’t available on Friday Night?
BRONCOS 113-3

Saturday November 20th

Purdue at Michigan State
As you might have guessed….
This Big Ten game is played for a “trophy”
It looks like a monkey playing an accordion…
Which is creepy…
SPARTANS 34-20

Penn State at Indiana
Hoosier? As in Hoosier Daddy?
That would be Joe Pa……
JOE’S LIONS 33-24

West Virginia at Louisville
There was a time this game decided the Big East Championship…
This isn’t the time…
STRONGER CARDINALS 33-31

Troy at South Carolina
Two things I know about this game….
The Gamecocks are going to Atlanta….
And Troy is going to get his ass whipped..
GAMECOCKS 38-10

North Carolina State at North Carolina
This instate Tobacco Road rivalry is called…
“The North Carolina – North Carolina State Rivalry”
You have to admit…
The name is descriptive
PACK OF WOLVES 34-31

Virginia at Boston College
It’s tough to win on Chestnut Hill…..
This game will prove my point..
CHESTNUT EAGLES 33-17

Oklahoma State at Kansas
The Prairie Wind blows into Kansas and touches Dorothy and Toto in naughty places.
COWBOY UP! 43-17

Wisconsin at Michigan
This Big Ten rivalry is played for the “Decoupage Cheese of Doom”
I heard it smells a lot like Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”
After it’s been in the sun for ten days…
THE POWER OF CHEESE 34-21

Yale at Harvard
This a HUGE game in the Ivy League….
Which is another reason why nobody cares….
Seriously nobody cares

Pittsburgh at South Florida
Most people would tell you the Panthers have this game in the bag..
I’m not most people
NO BULL 24-21

Appalachian State at Florida
The Gator Nation is depressed over the 2010 season….
This game will make you all feel better
MIGHTY GATORS 38-17

East Carolina at Rice
Rice gets caked by the Pirates…
Believe it
PIRATES 31-17

Duke at Georgia Tech
The Blue Devils will be far too distracted….
by the heavenly smells drifting across the field from the home of the world’s greatest chili dogs…
The Varsity….
To put up much of a fight…
YELLOW JACKETS 38-24

Chattanooga at Wofford
I don’t know if “Wofford” was named after Chewbacca’s kid…
Or is it a pesky variation of the Whopping Cough…
MIGHTY MOCS 38-34

Citadel at Samford
The boys from the Military College of South Carolina…
Lay a Carolina Butt Whipping on Fred and Lamont…
Believe it
BULLDOGS 38-10

Montana State at Montana
This hate filled instate battle in Big Sky Country is called….
“The Brawl of the Wild” and it is played for The Great Divide Trophy
This game is “hate thy neighbor” at its finest
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 28-24

UTEP at Tulsa
The winner of this game has a shot at the “Vienna Sausage Bowl” in Valdosta Georgia
Yeah, it’s that important
GOLDEN HURRICANES 38-34

Colorado State at Wyoming
The Cowboys might win this game…
And Janet Reno “might” be a woman…
RAM TOUGH 33-17

Kansas State at Colorado
The Buffalos will win one for their coach who shouldn’t have been hired in the first place
BUFFALOS 28-24

Clemson at Wake Forest
Have faith My Tiger Faithful…..
DABO’S TIGERS 28-17

Kent State at Western Michigan
“Golden Flashes and Bronco’s”….
Makes me think Grandpa got naked and jumped on the horse and is headed to town..
GOLDEN FLASHES 24-21

Weber State at Texas Tech
The Boys from the Grilling College gets smoked in Lubbock…
Which just so happens to be the Home of Buddy Holly…
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 48-10

Marshall at Southern Methodist
I have mixed emotions in this game….
I love the Thundering Herd…
But I am a Mustang Man…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Illinois at Northwestern
This instate battle in the land of Lincoln….
Is played each year for the “Sweet Sioux Tomahawk”
As opposed to the “Diet Light Sweet Sioux Tomahawk”….
It has all the flavor of the regular Sweet Sioux Tomahawk, but less calories…
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 34-31

Ole Miss at LSU
That foam rubber bear that is supposed to somehow be a “Rebel”….
Get’s his ass eaten alive by Big Mike the Tiger…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 34-10

Arkansas State at Navy
This game is going to be uglier than an orangutan in a prom dress…
MIDSHIPMEN 53-10

Central Florida at Tulane
The Green Wave will be reduced to a lime green trickle by the time this one is over..
KNIGHTS OF GOLD 44-14

Florida Atlantic at Texas
As God as my witness……
They better not lose this one…
LONGHORNS 34-17

Ohio State at Iowa
This game will be for the Big Ten Title..
Just like I said it would be..
No Need to thank me.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 33-24

Stanford at California
In California….
They call this “The Big Game” and it’s played for the Stanford Ax
Which basically means nobody outside California gives a crap
CARDINAL 6-3

Virginia Tech at Miami
It’s too close to Thanksgiving not to pick the Fighting Turkeys
That’s how I roll
HOKEY POKEY 34-28

Memphis at UAB
I think Elvis’s Tigers have left the building…
BLAZERS 38-17

New Mexico State at Nevada
I hate to think about Pistol Pete getting devoured by a pack of hungry wolves
It reminds me of an episode of “When Animals Attack”
PACK OF WOLVES 43-20

New Mexico at Brigham Young
The cougars deliver a low blow to the lobos like a hobo on a yo-yo..
(I can do this all day …)
COUGARS 43-10

Connecticut at Syracuse
I cannot believe I am writing this…
OTTO the ORANGE 31-24

Army at Notre Dame
This game will be played in Yankee Stadium….
As God intended it to be…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 31-28

Arkansas at Mississippi State
Hawgs and Dogs……
I love that German Ice Cream….
HAWGS 34-24

Missouri at Iowa State
This Big 12 Rivalry is played for the…..
“Telephone Trophy”
Yes, I’m serious…
MO’S TIGERS 34-31

Tennessee at Vanderbilt
This instate “rivalry” in the Volunteer State is played for the…
“Petrified Possum Trophy”…
Honestly…
It looks eerily similar to Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”
VOWELS 38-17

Rutgers at Cincinnati
In this Big East Battle….
I will go with the boys from Chili Town…
KATS of BEAR 28-21

Nebraska at Texas A&M
This game will be too close for comfort for the Children of the Corn
MIGHTY HUSKERS 28-24

Oklahoma at Baylor
This game will be closer than you might think….
A Lot closer..
BOOMER SOONER 31-28

Florida State at Maryland
The Seminoles are finding ways to win and the Turtlemen are finding ways to lose…
It’s just that simple
NOLES 33-24

Southern California at Oregon State
Some people might think..
I would make an off-color joke about “Trojans and Beavers……”,
But I am better than that….
At least this week I am better than that…
LAME CHEATERS 5-3

Houston at Southern Miss
The cougars are playing more like Sylvester the Cat…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-17

Utah at San Diego State
So these two Utes were making fun of this ancient Aztecs butt floss…
Stop me if you’ve heard it…
TWO UTES 34-24

San Jose State at Hawaii
Jose? As in “San Jose”…..
I think Dog the Bounty Hunter arrested him on the last episode…
Which can be seen on the A&E Channel on Wednesday nights…
Check your local listings for times in your area
WARRIORS electric sliding across RAINBOWS 38-10

Enjoy Your Games

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Before we get into this week’s selections…..
I would like to “thanks” in no particular order:

The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
The Minnesota O’ so very Golden Gophers
Coach Drooley and the Tennessee Volunteers
Zippy the Akron Kangaroo and the entire football coaching staff at West Point….

For completely screwing up Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator’s weekly average
and sending your fans into fits of rage while dashing for the liquor cabinet.

I hope you’re happy….

But certainly this past week wasn’t all frustration and consternation….
The West Virginia Mountaineers….
Scored 15 points in the final two minutes of the game with Marshall
to win the “The Friends of Coal Bowl” and the Governors Cup.

The Mighty Air Force Falcons carpet bombed the Cougars of BYU…..

And Reggie Bush was forced to return the Heisman Trophy….
No need to thank me for that one folks…..
It’s how I roll……

Enjoy your picks…..

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a disappointing 61 and11 or 85% for the second week of the season.
That leaves us at 133 and 21 or 86% after only two weeks.
Like I said last week….
This is no time to panic; there is a lot of football to be played, so let’s get to the picks

THE PICKS

Thursday September 16th

Cincinnati at North Carolina State
I have a “gut feeling” about this game….
I just hope it’s not gas….
WOLFPACK 28-24

Concordia Selma at Carson Newman
I don’t know about Concordia, but I think I knew her brother Tommy…
That Tommy Selma was tougher than a pine knot….
Which of course has nothing what so ever to do with this pick….
SPARKS EAGLES 33-17

Friday September 17th

Kansas at Southern Miss
Call me crazy if you want too….
It’s nothing I haven’t already heard from mental health professionals
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

California at Nevada
Honestly I would watch this game…..
But the Animal Planet is having a “special” documentary on the Armadillo entitled
“The Armadillo: Natures little tank or possum on the half shell?”
GAYLORD THE BEAR 33-24

Saturday September 18th

Connecticut at Temple
This little known rivalry in the northeast is played for the coveted…
“Hoobastank Trophy”…
Not really, but it’s a fun word to say isn’t it?
HUSKIES 28-24

Muhlenberg at Susquehanna
Now I know what you are thinking….
Can the German girl take Susie after last week’s tussle with Juanita….
I believe she can, I heard she was a former East German shot putter
MULE GIRL 24-17

Northern Illinois at Illinois
The “Fighting Illini” continue their “brutal” out of conference schedule..
By beating the living hell out of junior colleges and technical schools within their own state.
PUMPKINS’ O’ FIGHTING 34-17

Maryland at West Virginia
I would have a lot more faith in the Fighting Terrapins if they had a really cool mascot…
Say like “The Turtle Man” as seen in the video below….
Before you ask…Yes, He is real….
But until Maryland hires him it’s time to light those couches…
MOUNTAINEERS 33-27

Click here to view the embedded video.

Arkansas at Georgia
This game features the “Hawgs and Dawgs”
Reminds me of my favorite German Ice Cream….
DAWGS 20-17

Ohio at Ohio State
Coach Frank’s Bobcats of Ohio will keep this one close…..
Right up until the time the Ohio State Marching Band….
Which of course is “The Best Damn Band in the Land”… “Dots the I”…..
Then it’s all…..
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 41-10

North Texas at Army

EDITORS COMMENTARY:
The Army coaching staff should be thankful we live in the “everybody’s a winner” society, were “trying hard” and “giving a good effort” is as important as winning.
Because if it were up to me; I would have fired everyone of their collective ass’s after last weeks game.
A blind chimpanzee with half a damn banana could motivate a team better than these dumbasses.
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 28-24

Iowa State at Kansas State
This rivalry is known as “Farmageddon”…..
(Yes I’m serious)
It’s like Armageddon, only these use combines and tractors…
WILDCATS 24-10

Georgia Tech at North Carolina
The question this week at the “Varsity”…
(Which is only home to the World’s Greatest Chili Dogs…. )
Can Tech bounce back from the Rambling Wreck in Lawrence Kansas?
No, not this week, is the appropriate answer…
TAR HEELS 24-21

Massachusetts at Michigan
Coach Rod and the Wolverines continue their “tough” out of conference schedule this week
But they had better not be looking ahead…
The Keebler Elves are coming to Ann Arbor next Saturday….
WOLVERINES 44-10

EDITORS NOTE: It has been brought to my attention that I have been “unduly harsh” in my treatment of Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”. So let me say this….
When reporting that Rita attended a “Maze and Blue” alumni fund raiser recently wearing nine inch clear plastic stripper shoes I didn’t mean to imply that she was dressed like an old worn out stripper.
I meant to say, the Maze and Blue fund raiser must have been located near the airport…
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding…

Ball State at Purdue
Didn’t David Letterman go to Ball State?
Yeah, that isn’t going to make any difference here…
BOILERMAKERS 31-17

Juniata at Ursinus
Juanita is still bruised up from her tussle last week with Susquehanna…
And I understand Ursinus has a urinary infection
So I have to go with…
J-LO 28-23

Kent State at Penn State
So the “Golden Flashes” are coming to Jo Pa’s House….
There are SO many things I could say here….
But out of respect for Jo Pa, I won’t….
NITTANY LIONS 38-14

Delta State at Valdosta State
I have always been a fan of the Blazers…
But I am a Fighting Okra man….
I like it fried, boiled and pickled….
But I’m not a big fan of Okra Winfrey
BLAZERS 33-28

Vanderbilt at Ole Miss
The Commodores will keep this one closer than you might think…
A lot closer…
REBELS 24-21

Jacksonville State at Georgia State
I wouldn’t bet against these Roosters if they were playing the Dallas Cowboys
GAMECOCKS 34-17

East Carolina at Virginia Tech
Maybe it’s just me…
But the Hokies don’t seem to have the same fire since they lost their Wangs
HOKIE POKEY 31-24

EDITORS NOTE: Of course I am talking about….
The loss of Ed Wang and his brother from the defensive front of the Hokies;
What did you think I was talking about?

Brigham Young at Florida State
The Cougars will encounter a strange new phenomena in Tallahassee this Saturday
which will be their demise in this game, it’s called…..“Humidity”
JIMBO’S NOLES 34-24

Colorado State at Miami (OH)
Although Miami of Ohio doesn’t have any palm trees….
It is known as the Cradle of Coaches…
That’s good enough for me…
REDHAWKS 23-17

Air Force at Oklahoma
I was very proud of the Falcons for upsetting the Cougars last week…
But I am afraid they are outmatched in this one…
BOOMER SOONERS 43-21

Southern California at Minnesota
The “Not so” Golden Gophers lost last week to a High School team from South Dakota…
Sooooooooooo……..
LAME CHEATERS 6-3

Florida at Tennessee
Not that it’s all that important here, but Peyton Manning never beat the Gators
I just thought it was worth mentioning….
MIGHTY GATORS 24-17

Arizona State at Wisconsin
The Devils of the Sun…..
Cannot stand up to the Power of Processed Cheese Whiz
BADGERS 28-24

Defiance at Hanover
I have a question…
What is “defiance” so angry about?
They should take a tip from Okra Winfrey….
They don’t have to be angry and defiant “all the time”
HANDY HANOVER 23-10

Washington State at Southern Methodist
Coach June’s Ponies will be ready to ride this Saturday in Big D….
Believe it…
And just for the record it’s still Ownby Stadium to me….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-17

North Carolina Central at Appalachian State
The Mountaineers came back from a four touchdown deficit against Chattanooga to win
Make no mistake…
The Mountaineers are for real…
MOUNTAINEERS 38-10

Hawaii at Colorado
The Warriors from the Land of Rainbow Bright…
Would fair a lot better in this game if they had Dog the Bounty Hunter on the sidelines…
BUFFALOS 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the A&E Network on Wednesday nights, check your local listings for times in your area.

Alabama at Duke
The Blue Devils will have a few tricks up their sleeves on Saturday…
But they are still going to get their asses kicked…
CRIMSON TIDE 38-17

Nebraska at Washington
The Huskies have a great history, with a great coaching staff and a fine young quarterback…
In fact I still love the great Coach James….
But the Huskers have the Black Shirts…
Sorry…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 24-17

Troy at UAB
The Men of Troy gave the Oklahoma State Cowboys all they could handle last week…
They are more than up to the task this week in this instate tussle…
MEN OF TROY 33-28

Central Michigan at Eastern Michigan
I have been corrected……
The term “Chippewa’s” does not refer to “Two Utes” in the Native American Language as I erroneously reported last week.
It actually means an ingrown hair. As in….
“If you shave too close you can get a Chippewa on your face”
Hope that cleared up any misunderstanding…
CHIPPEWAS’ 33-31

Southern Arkansas at North Alabama
I respect any team that calls themselves “The Mule Riders”
But this game is in Lion Country….
MIGHTY LIONS 34-20

Baylor at Texas Christian
The Bears might win this game…….
And Richard Simmons might be heterosexual…..
HORNED FROGS 34-17

Indiana at Western Kentucky
The most interesting thing about this game…….
Isn’t that the Big Ten is coming to Bowling Green…
It’s the fact nobody knows what the hell a Hoosier and a Hilltopper actually is…
HOOSIERS 24-17

Northwestern Oklahoma State at South Dakota
If the Boys from Dakota could knock off a Big Ten team last week….
Then should be able to handle this Tire Alignment Academy from Oklahoma
COYOTES 34-17

Louisville at Oregon State
Much like Ward Cleaver…..
I am all about the Beaver in this one…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: In an effort to keep this a “family friendly” column…
I want the readers to take note that I did not in any way reference either Rosie O’Donnell or Lindsay Lohan in the above pick.
No need to thank me…

Eastern Kentucky at Chattanooga
The Colonels aren’t over their thrashing last week by Coach Strong’s Cardinals
and the Boys from Choo Choo Town are primed and ready….
Also, Chattanooga is the home of the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum, Wall of Remembrance and Gift Shop…..
So there is that….
MIGHTY MOCS 33-24

Duquesne at Delaware
Little known fact….
If you say “Duquesne” after you drank a glass of Buttermilk…
Something gross will fly out of your mouth…
BLUE HENS 28-17

Georgia Southern at Coastal Carolina
I have no idea why the folks from Coastal Carolina….
Decided to name their team the “Chanticleers” ….
But I am pretty sure you need a shot of penicillin to clear it up…..
EAGLES 28-17

Portland State at Oregon
Unfortunately this game conflicts with the VH1 “Behind the Music” Special…..
The Music and Life of Screech from Saved by the Bell….
Set your recorders now….
QUACKERS 63-0

Akron at Kentucky
I have a philosophical question….
Since Akron is known as the “Zippers”…
Is it possible there is a team out there called the “Velcro’s”?
I’m just wondering…
WILDCATS 34-10

Navy at Louisiana Tech
Lately, the Bulldogs of Tech are playing more like the Taco Bell dog..
MIDSHIPMEN 28-21

Middle Tennessee State at Memphis
The Velvet Elvis’s better bring their best game…..
I believe the Blue Raiders are motivated…
BLUE RAIDERS 24-17

Northwestern at Rice
This game will feature some of the highest SAT scores in all of college football…
Yeah, it’s that exciting…
WILDCATS 34-17

Mississippi State at LSU
Nothing says “FIGHT” quite like a game between the “Cats and the Dogs”
This one belongs to Mike….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-17

Marshall at Bowling Green
Last week Doc Holiday and the Thundering Herd…
Were two minutes away from beating the Mountaineers of West Virginia….
They won’t need those two minutes this week…
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-17

Tulsa at Oklahoma State
I don’t want to think about the “Prairie Wind” touching a Golden Hurricane..
It makes me feel icky…
COWBOY UP! 38-17

Florida International at Texas A&M
I don’t know how “International” the boys from Florida are…..
Unless their school is close to Epcot Center, then I guess that counts for something…
Right?
GIG EM AGGIES 43-10

Central Florida at Buffalo
I know, I know…..
It seems like every time I pick the boys from Disney they lose…
The curse is broken this weekend…
Or I am burning down “It’s a Small World”…..
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 33-28

EDITORS NOTE: If that song is stuck in your head, I apologize….
It hurts me too….

Toledo at Western Michigan
The Rockets don’t have enough fire to be called roman candles, much less rockets…
BRONCOS 28-10

Clemson at Auburn
I wish I had better news for my adopted Clemson family….
But I don’t….
WAR DAMN EAGLE 24-17

Presbyterian at Citadel
I just hope the moral fiber of the cadets from the Military College of South Carolina isn’t tainted by the arrival of bus loads of Blue Ho’s coming to campus.
BULLDOGS 28-17

Furman at South Carolina
If Chewbacca made enough money to have his own college…
Then why call it Furry man? Why not just call it Chewbacca U?
Never mind…
GAMECOCKS 38-10

San Diego State at Missouri
There is a very good reason why the Aztec’s disappeared from civilization…
They played with Tigers….
MO’S TIGERS 44-10

Montana at Eastern Washington
The Grizzles are on a mission after losing in the finals last year…..
Believe it….
GRIZZ 33-10

Maine at Syracuse
If this was a “Who has the ugliest Cheerleaders” contest…
Then it would be one heck of a contest….
OTTO’S ORANGES 17-14

Boise State at Wyoming
Bronco fans should be really encouraged in this game….
I don’t think the Cowboys have beaten Virginia Tech (yet)
Which is nice…
BRONCO’S 43-10

Fresno State at Utah State
Some people think that midgets jousting on burros is cruel and degrading…
I personally think it screams “Pay-Per-View”….
Not that it matters here…
DAWGS 33-31

Utah at New Mexico
I don’t know about you….
But a contest between Utes and Lobos sounds like a Disney cartoon movie to me…
TWO UTES 43-10

Notre Dame at Michigan State
I don’t know what is more disturbing…..
The midget from Notre Dame dressed like a leprechaun….
or their obsession with Golden Gnomes…..
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 27-24

Texas at Texas Tech
I have but one thing to say here….
“Welcome to Texas Tommy….I hope you enjoy your Longhorn ass whipping”
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-24

New Mexico State at UTEP
It just occurred to me…..
“UTEP” is an acronym for a Ute that has to go the bathroom….
AGGIES 23-21

Iowa at Arizona
Remember you heard it here first….
The Eyes of the Hawk will not be stopped…..
Until their meeting in November with the Mighty Buckeyes of Ohio State….
Then it’s anybody’s ball game…
HAWKS EYES 28-17

Houston at UCLA
Despite some key injuries last week, the Cougars are still dangerous…
As in really dangerous…
COUGARS 38-28

Wake Forest at Stanford
This game would be a lot more entertaining for me….
If Jimmy Swaggart was the Demon Deacon mascot….
And after getting all liquored up and having a crying jag at halftime he peed on the Stanford tree mascot.
Now that’s what I call entertainment.

Enjoy your games

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

That’s right it’s your ole buddy Hootie Snitch!

Coming to you from right here in beautiful Baneberry Tennessee!
It’s smack dab in the heart of Volunteer Country!
Go BIG Orange!

I know yawl have been a missing me and a wondering what ole Hootie has been doing!
So kick your shoes off and relax, we got some catching up to do…

First things First….
Before I go talking about my personal life…

I got something I need to talk with yawl about…

Yawl saw that beautiful “Welcome to Baneberry” sign I got on here….
And you probably noticed underneath it a sign about the Baneberry Golf Resort..

Well that is what I want to talk with yawl about…

I am having me a Golf Fundraiser to help fight Hoof and Mouth Disease
It’s a going to be Saturday October 16th (It’s the Vol’s Bye week)

I am doing this to help my Momma who contradicted the disease from a chewing her toenails from being nervous and a wondering if the folks at the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum and Gift shop in Chattanooga Tennessee was going to put her on the ballot this year for the Hall of Fame.

Now here is what you need to know if you want to take part in a worthy cause
And meet the Number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!
By the way…. Autographs and pictures are Free!!!

Yawl need to know that the Baneberry Golf Resort really ain’t a “Golf Resort”
We play Golf on the back forty of Humpy Johnsons farm and instead of them sissy golf carts
we ride four wheelers, Hell Yeah we do!

Some folks have golf clubs and other folks just bring a shotgun to see if they can hit the golf ball in the air. So bring whatever you got….
A damn good time is gonna be had by everybody!

Entry fee is twenty dollars and a 12 pack of beer, preferably Budweiser.
The beer will help keep Humpy Johnson liquored up and keeps him from shooting at us
and the twenty dollars goes to help my Momma with the Hoof and Mouth disease.

I will have some “surprise” celebrities there too!
See yawl there!

Now for the really “Big News”
Them rumors are true…..

I done went and got myself hitched to a local “super-model”…..
It was legal and everything…
We got hitched by an Elvis preacher up there in Gatlinburg to the sounds of “Heartbreak Hotel”
It was about the most romantic thing I ever seen…

Now for those of you that “don’t” know who she is….
The Mrs. James “Hootie” Snitch is none other than “The” Thelma Stroderback who is the famous hand model in them ads for the East Tennessee Tractor Supply and Fertilizer Store.

If you have seen them ads then you have seen my gal’s hands lifting fertilizer bags, and holding a Power Take Off for a Massey Ferguson Tractor and a bunch of other pictures too.

I don’t need to tell you she is drop damn dead good looking, cause she is
And she’s got hands big as a first baseman’s glove.
But I ain’t about to show a picture of her now, no sir, not yet anyway.
And you better believe she is a BIG Tennessee VOL Fan!
Hell yeah!
That just makes us the perfect match!

Guess what else Thelma does?
Go ahead and guess?
She only wrote and sang a country song that went to “Number damn One”
as the most requested song on our Baneberry Country Station for FOUR weeks in a row!
It’s called: “You are one more lie away from me kicking your ass out of the house”

In case some you don’t follow country music; It’s a love song…

We followed up our wedding by having our honeymoon at the famous Baneberry Bed and Breakfast Inn, located just outside the city limits. I am telling you, if you come down here for the Golf Tournament you got to stay there, it ain’t nothing but first class all the way.
Here is a little picture of our “Honeymoon Cabin”….

Now I know the news of my nuptials upsets you lady readers that Ole Hootie is off the market…
And I can almost hear the wailing and crying from here…
But yawl got to understand, this is like Brad Pitt marrying Angelina what’s her name….
We is like two celebrities that was just meant to be together.…

One More piece of News…
I done went and moved “Snitch’s Bar and Grill”
From out of the previously owned double wide trailer and into town in a cinder block building!
Hell yeah I did!

That’s where we had our wedding reception and it was all in Tennessee Orange!
It even matched the outside the building!

But just so’s you know I will be making a name change to the business too
It is going to be called “Scooters” (after my Daddy)

I changed the name cause…
All them NCAA investigators that have poking around the Vols
have been a showing up at my bar looking for information because my place is called Snitch’s….
If you come down here for my Golfing Tournament to help my Momma with the Hoof and Mouth Disease
you can wet your whistle at the “new” Scooters.

Now for the Good Stuff…..

IT’S FOOTBALL TIME IN TENNESSEE!!!!!!

Now I got my own preseason guesses as to how this season is a going to go
and I am a going to give you the business right now.
So you better be ready!

The 2010 Conference Champs

The Big 10

That’s up north and I don’t know what’s big about it unless you’re talking about the women.
So I don’t care…..

The Big 12

Yawl count even worse than them folks in the Big 10 cause you ain’t got 12 teams in your conference,
so I don’t care about yawl neither.

Atlantic Coast of Conference

I drove down to the Atlantic Ocean when I went to the “Cooter Festival” down in South Carolina
It wasn’t nothing to write home about and it smelled like a paper mill.

Conference USA

I never even heard of this one, it sounds made up

The Big East

The east ain’t big…
It’s just a direction on the damn map which makes them sound plain stupid if you ask me.

The Pacific Athletic Conference of Ten

Yawl got Lame Kitten as a coach out there and he is dumber than hell for leaving the Volunteers,
so yawl is dumber than hell for taking him. That’s all I got to say about that..

Plus, Thelma and I agree that Coach Ogeron looks like a Poland China hog going off to market..

The SEC Champs

Let me tell you straight…
The Tennessee Volunteers were only eighteen plays away last year from a National Championship
and we played Alabama down to the damn wire, which kind of makes us Number two in the country, if you know what I mean.
Now that I stated them facts, let me tell you how this is a going to go…

Coach Drooly has them boys in Orange primed and I do mean primed…
For a run at the National Championship this year!

Florida won’t be a problem since Tim what’s his damn face left

Alabama ain’t got nothing and everybody else on the schedule is an easy “W” for the VOLS!

The way I see it, after we beat whoever in Atlanta for the SEC Championship, Hell yeah!

Then we will play somebody that ain’t as good as us and we will be the National Champs!
Hell I can’t wait! It’s going to be AWESOME!

I will answer my emails and have some other stuff out for yawl later….
My woman is a hollering for me, so I got to go…

More later

GO VOLS!

Hootie- Out!

Have I mentioned The University of Alabama Crimson Tide
ARE the College Football National Champions?
I have?
Sorry, it’s been a while for me…

We have a lot to catch up on don’t we?

In fact we have SO much to talk about
This segment will be posted in “two” separate articles, to include your email questions and answers…
So be sure and check back for part two in a couple of days…

But where to begin?

Let’s see….

How about we start with….

How Coach Pete Carroll ran like a scalded dog to the Home of Starbucks……
(I wonder if he is taking his Malibu Co-ed?)
Before the Joe McKnight “scandal” and the Reggie Bush “investigation” caught up with him and the “mediocre” Trojans.

You don’t think that was the reason he split in the middle of the night?

My friends….
Have a seat relax and read on…
This is going to be fun…

Are you comfortable?
Good….
Let me simply say this….

Coach Pete was more than concerned about the Joe McKnight “situation” and down right scared to death of a little something going on in San Diego County.

Why?

Because finally…
Reggie Bush is being sued in “open” court in San Diego by his sports agents while he was at Southern California to recoup losses they suffered when Reggie “breached” his contract with them.