As I predicted some weeks ago…..
Despite the fact we are several months away from Halloween…..

The Great Pumpkin is beginning to rise from the Pumpkin Patch!

That monolithic creature in Orange known as Fat Phil Fulmer has support from the University of Tennessee Board of Trustees to become the next Athletic Director at the University of Tennessee.

Yes it’s true.

Despite not having any experience in running any athletic department, managing a budget or even managing his own football team Fat Phil actually has support within the board of trustees and within some elements of the volunteer fan base to become athletic director.

And some of you actually wonder why I pick on the Volunteers?

I think this is an excellent time to remember just a few details during the “coach” Fulmer rein at the University of Tennessee.

EDITORS NOTE: Please feel free to play…..
“The Way We Were” in the background as you continue reading.

Then Assistant coach Phil Fulmer and athletic director Doug Dickey concocted a scheme to dispose and subsequently fire Volunteer legend and then head football coach Johnny Majors while coach Majors was in the hospital for a potential life threatening heart ailment.

Yes friends, that’s how Coach Phil “took over”; by screwing his “mentor”.

Should I mention that there are five NFL players who have been found guilty of committing murder the past few years and four of them played at the University of Tennessee under Coach Fulmer?

To say nothing of Coach Fulmer’s tolerance of rape armed robbery arson resisting arrest threatening law enforcement officers and any other number of crimes and misdemeanors while he was Head Football Coach at the University of Tennessee.

And wasn’t it amazing how Phil’s own “personal” attorney Jeff Haygood always seem to be present to “represent” the football players through their legal woes?

Say, isn’t that an NCAA violation?

Maybe I am being too harsh here.
After all I am sure top of the line legal counsel is hard to come by when you are a student athlete with little or no income and you are facing charges of rape of an underage mentally challenged girl in the athletic dormitory.

Don’t worry folks….
Coach Fulmer said he would “review the incident and take care of it internally”

He made that statement “after” he and his attorney met with the witnesses to the crime before they had a chance to meet with the police investigators.

That kind of sounds like he was interfering with a felony investigation, doesn’t it?
The Knoxville Police Department sure thought so.

But yet nothing happened to the rapist or coach Fulmer……
I guess the rape of an underage mentally challenged girl by one of his players isn’t that important to Phil because he took care of it “Internally”

Like so many other things during Coach Phil’s rein, it was all taken care of “Internally”

The scandal that involved changing grades for football players so they would be eligible to play was taken care of “internally” and within the “Tennessee Family”.

And who can forget the “walking classes” for football players and the embarrassment it caused the University of Tennessee, particularly when some of the players got a “D” in walking.

It was all handled “Internally”

EDITORS NOTE: I still can’t believe it was a three credit hour course

Do any of you remember the academic scandal Coach Phil started that involved classifying potential student-athletes as “mentally challenged” so they wouldn’t be held to the same standard of NCAA college eligibility?

When the news of that leaked out, you guessed it….
It was all handled “Internally” and within the “Tennessee Family”

EDITORS NOTE: Nothing says confidence in your student athlete’s mental acuity quite like classifying them as “Retarded”.

Does anyone want to discuss Coach Phil’s 6% graduation rate on the football team?

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering….
The average graduation rate for football players across the Southeastern Conference is 53%

This to say nothing of Phil’s knowledge of the NCAA violations of then Tennessee Quarterback Tee Martin and his “allowance” he received from a University of Tennessee Booster in Mobile, Alabama.

And just for the record: when Doug Dickey and Phil Fulmer didn’t report it, that my friends is an NCAA Violation of Biblical Proportions.

But that was o.k. because……
It was all handled “Internally” and within the “Tennessee Family”

EDITIORS NOTES: I am guessing my Ohio State Buckeye Fans are saying…
“What the Hell?”

Should I mention Coach Phil’s personal “investigation” into the University of Alabama and his string of “Secret Witnesses” that he interviewed personally at the home of Tennessee Board of Trustee and University Booster “Thunder” Thornton?

Yeah, that was all legal and above board, wasn’t it?

A hillbilly Inspector Clouseau, is this who you want running the athletic department?

The University of Tennessee has the opportunity to show some character and class with its selection of a new Athletic Director for men’s athletics and Phil Fulmer possesses neither of those qualities.

And let me take this a step further….

If “winning” is more important to you than the prosecution of someone that raped an underage mentally challenged girl, then you should fear for your soul.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Your wait is over…..
The 2009 Edition of the College Football Preseason Extravaganza is here…..

You didn’t really believe your Favorite College Football Prognosticator would leave you hanging did you?

This year we have a lot to cover and two additional conferences to review.
So you will have three different installments of the Preseason Extravaganza.

Your follow on installment will be out next Friday….

So my dear readers….
Please place your seats in the upright position and buckle your safety belts…
The 2009 College Football Season promises to be a bumpy ride….

Enjoy….

How to Make College Football Better….

Before we get started I have a few Ideas I would like to share with you..
Now I know what you are thinking….
“Here we go again…..”

Hardly my dear friends and fellow college football fanatics…

I am not here to institute “Change”…..
But to solidify those traditions in the game that we have lost or are losing….

I have composed a brief list of those things I would like to see…
To make our beloved College Football Season better…

1. We don’t need a room full of talking bobble head doll commentators to tell us what we ALREADY know, nor do we NEED them to hype a college football game for us…

NOTE TO TELEVISION COMMENTATORS:
WE ALREADY KNOW THE GAME IS IMPORTANT…
THAT IS WHY WE ARE WATCHING IT – DUMBASS.

2. Introduce the football players before the game.
Or better yet, let them introduce themselves, like they did “back in the day…”
I want to know…
Where they are from, what year they are in college and what they are studying…
Why?
Because some of these kids are the ONLY people in their family to attend college or the ONLY people from their towns that ever went off to college.
Those kids and their families and those little towns deserve that recognition.

3. Believe it or not there is nothing wrong with having an invocation before a football game. In fact asking the All Mighty to keep anybody from getting killed during the football game does not constitute “an endorsement of religion” despite what the gibbering idiots on the Supreme Court want you to believe.

EDITORS NOTE: Case in Point….
IF you were playing for the Eastern Idaho Fertilizer Distributors Academy and you were playing the mighty Southern California Trojans wouldn’t you want some assurance that you wouldn’t end up in the hospital before the fourth quarter?
In case you were wondering…
I believe that game is scheduled in October as part of the “brutal” Trojan non-conference schedule.

4. Show the College Marching Bands at half-time.
You can run the scores of other games along the top and bottom of the screen if you want to or if the viewer has an itchy remote trigger finger, he or she can switch to one of the other 100 channels and catch another game.
Those kids in the Marching Bands are a part of the rich tradition and pageantry of College Football and those kids put as much time on the field practicing as the teams themselves.

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note…
If you are a male over the age of ten and you really don’t want to see the LSU Golden Girls or the beautiful University of Alabama Crimsonettes, then you have issues.
Enough said….

5. Make the College Football Referees and Umpires accountable.
Let’s be honest here….
These guys make 180 to 250K for working a 6 month job.
Not that I have a problem with that….
However…
Where are the background checks on these guys?
Are we to believe that “they” are all above reproach?
Shouldn’t they be held to some sort of standard in this “profession”?
What is the punishment when they don’t meet that standard and cost a team a game or a shot at a Championship?
Where is the almighty NCAA in that discussion?

EDITORS NOTE: If you think this doesn’t matter; ask any Oklahoma Sooner Fan about the Oregon Duck game a couple of years ago. They will tell you…..

6. We don’t need the BCS nor do we need any college football playoffs.
Listen closely….
IF you are a big time college football program that wants to play for the National Championship..
Then drop the Division III Vietnamese Hair and Nail Salon Beauty Colleges from your respective schedules and play OTHER big time college football programs DURING the season.
There is your play-off system ladies and gentlemen…..
Problem solved…

7. Only “One” college transfer for the cry baby college football player that wants to transfer to another college because he isn’t getting enough playing time.
Clearly these knuckleheads have forgotten about the “team” sport concept and the advantage of getting a college education.

8. The “politically” correct Nazis at the NCAA should stay out of the College Mascot business. The North Dakota “Fighting Sioux” isn’t racist, nor was the Newberry College “Indians”. If you are “offended” by these mascots let me break it down for you….
You are a spineless idiot that roams the earth in search of something, anything that “in your” perverted view of life can be viewed as offensive.
I pray that you haven’t reproduced and are so offended by this statement that you drink the “Jim Jones Cool-Aide” and simply…go away……

9. The NCAA actually does what it was actually designed to be…
Which is an organization designed to establish standards of collegiate athletics.
NOT…..
Steal images of college football players and make millions from EA Sports video games.
NOT….
Show favoritism in compliance of the application of the NCAA rules…
NOT…
Negotiate television revenue and manipulate universities revenue streams…
NOT…
Partner with other unethical organizations to punish southern universities and colleges.
NOT…
Ignore State and Federal laws in an effort to further your own arrogant financial agenda.

Have I made my point?

10. The Southeastern Conference, the Atlantic Coast Conference and the Big 12 should secede from the NCAA and form their own College Sports Conference and break the backs and financial stranglehold the NCAA has on college athletics.

FAMOUS COACH’S QUOTE

“I’m on my kids at every turn, every day, doing whatever I can to keep outside influences from clouding their thought processes.” …
U$C Coach Pete Carroll talking to the Los Angeles Times on April 26, 2006….
About his effort to maintain a clean program

EDITORS NOTE: I am assuming…
This interview took place before Snoop Dog and O.J. Simpson were given “free” access to the locker room and players.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL CULTURE

As I have attempted to illuminate in the past….
There is a big difference between college football in the Deep South and the college football culture of California.
But for you that still need an illustrated example this brief comparison is for you…
I hope this helps
Enjoy…..

WOMEN’S ATTIRE

California: Woodstock 1960’s vintage hippie chic’ (no bath or shower or deodorant)

Down South: Designer duffel or purse with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), cell phone and a bottle of Perrier.
Wallet not necessary-that’s what dates are for……

STADIUM SIZE

California: College football stadiums hold 40,000

Down South: Most High school football stadiums hold 20,000

NOTABLE EXCEPTIONS:
Los Angles Memorial Coliseum and the Rose Bowl neither of which belongs to the respective schools playing in them.

LEGENDARY NAMES

California: O.J. Simpson and Reggie Bush

Down South: Hershel Walker, Bo Jackson, Earl Campbell and Billy Cannon

WEATHER

California: Rain, Earth Quakes, Mud Slides and other disasters of Biblical proportions.

Down South: Sunny, highs mid-60s, lows in the thirties.

FATHERS

California: Expect their daughters to understand the spirit of “Diversity” and the complications of the O.J. Simpson Trial.

Down South: Expect their daughters to understand the Wishbone and the Spread Offence as well as the difference between the 4-3 and the 3-4 defenses.

ATTIRE

California: Male and female alike: Dread locks and flip flops standard.

Down South:
Male – Pressed khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat and or college team logo.
Female – Ankle or knee length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford.

EDITORS NOTE: Girls in the south can make a mans heart flutter with a smile..
How in the hell does that work in California with dirty ass 1960’s clothes and dread locks?
It doesn’t, that’s the point.

ALUMNI

California: Take prospects on sailing trips to Catalina Island to discuss the complexities of the O.J. Simpson Trial.

Down South: Take prospects on fishing trips so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year.

CAMPUS DECOR

California: Statues of Johnnie Cochran

Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners and National Championship Coaches.

HOMECOMING QUEEN

California: Also a major in ethnic studies with a minor in “feel bad about myself”.

Down South: Also Miss USA.

HEROES

California: Johnnie Cochran

Down South: Paul “Bear” Bryant, Bobby Bowden, Steve Spurrier, Darrel Royal and the LSU Chinese Bandits.

GETTING TICKETS

California: 15 minutes before the game you can walk up to the ticket counter and purchase tickets while negotiating through the protest for the “Rights of Tibet”.

Down South: 5 months before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.

FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME

California: Students and Professors are planning a protest against one of the following:
1. The Republican Party
2. People Wearing Fur
3. People that Eat Meat
4. The Republican Party
5. Anyone against Same-Sex marriage

Down South: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class on Friday.

PARKING

California: An hour before the game the university opens the campus for game parking.

Down South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday night for the Saturday’s Game festivities.

EDITORS NOTE: The real faithful in the South begin arriving on Tuesday.

GAME DAY

California: A few students get together in the dorm and smoke their hemp shoes and shorts and talk about the complications of the O.J. Simpson Trial

Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting Game Day “Live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots from out west who wonder why Game Day is never broadcast from their campus.

TAILGATING

California: Enjoying Zima and tofu while listening to local a radio station covering the protest of the lack of rights for Hispanic immigrants.

Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn…..
Cooking accompanied by live performance by Lynyrd Skynyrd who come over during breaks and ask for a couple bottles of beer.

GETTING TO THE STADIUM

California: You have to ask, “Where’s the stadium?”
But first you must negotiate through the crowd protesting outside the stadium for the Rights of Tibet…

Down South: When you’re near it, you’ll hear it.
On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city…..
Believe it…

CONCESSIONS

California: Drinks served in a decorative recyclable paper cup filled to the top with caffeine free soda.

Down South: Drinks served in a 24 oz plastic cup with the home teams mascot-filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.

WHEN THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED

California: Excellent opportunity to stage another protest…..

Down South: 95,000+ fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.

THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE

California: Marijuana and the aroma of sweaty ass smell because nobody bathes before the game to save the whales; by saving one tub of bath water…

Down South: Fireworks with a twist of beer and or fine Kentucky bourbon is customary.

COMMENTARY (MALE)

California: “I still believe O.J. Simpson is innocent”

Down South: “Block some-body damn it!”

COMMENTARY (FEMALE)

California: “I still believe O.J. Simpson is innocent.”

Down South: “Tackle some-body damn it”

AFTER THE GAME

California: The stadium is empty before the game ends; because the next “big” protest begins at 10:00 pm.

Down South: Put another rack of ribs on the smoker….
While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more beer and bourbon while planning begins for next week’s party.

EDITORS NOTE: I hope this helped…

Preseason Observations and Prognostications

Ole Miss isn’t as good as the National Sports media would have you believe.

Michigan Wolverines: See Above.

Southern California Trojans: Please see “Ole Miss” above

Since the once proud Orange Bowl closed its gates in Miami…
The Miami Hurricane Administration has gone to great lengths to attract more fans to the “new” stadium of the Hurricanes.
This season be prepared to witness….
The Cane Athletic Department will distribute “Hurricane Fan Packs” before every home game. My favorite “Fan Pack”?
The Official Miami Hurricane Fan Starter Kit….
It comes with “one size fits all” Crunk Teeth, a Mister T jewelry starter kit and a Ghost Face Killer CD…

Wolverine Coach Rich Rodriguez’s wife will be auditioning later this year for the “new” VH1 Program “Rock of Skanks” with Bret Michaels.

The NCAA will continue to drag its collective feet on the “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans into 2010 without resolution.

The National Sports media will continue to ignore the NCAA “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans, all the while portraying them as the media darlings.

I am convinced that N.C.A.A. stands for National Coalition Against Alabama.

Sometime this season Jo Pa’s glasses will refract the sun and incinerate an entire western Pennsylvania town.

The Virginia Tech Hokies still have the largest Wang in College Football….
Junior Defensive End Ed Wang is 6’6 and weighs nearly 330 pounds.

EDITORS NOTE: What did you think I was talking about?
Shame on you…

The Georgia Bulldogs will be better than advertised this year…..
Way better….

The Naval Academy….
Please see “Georgia Bulldogs” above…

The University of Oregon’s mascot has undergone yet another off season makeover….
The “new” mascot now appears less like a gay Donald Duck on steroids and more like a backup singer in “WAM”.

You will all come to know what I have learned the hard way….
The Boise State Broncos are for real….

The Utah Ute’s…..
See Above

The West Point Football Team will still suck…..

The Ivy League will suck even worse…

If the Louisville Cardinals do not develop something that resembles a defense this year
They will be talking to Tommy “Ears” Tubberville by November….
Believe it….

This coming season the Michigan State Spartans will begin the season by soundly thrashing a couple of colleges that are known more for carburetor repair and animal fertilizer distribution than college football and then lose their respective asses during the Big Ten schedule.
But they will still beat Michigan….
Believe it..

The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets will be the spoiler in the Atlantic Coast Conference

CORRECTION:
The hit NBC television program “The Biggest Loser” is not The Phil Fulmer Story…
Hope this cleared up any misunderstanding..

Maybe it’s just me…
But I always thought Oral Roberts was a dental school.

The Infamous Southeastern Conference referee Penn Wagers….
The absolute worse referee in all of College Football History…
He will screw up at least two games this fall costing two teams a victory that they would have otherwise earned on the field of play.
Believe it….

I still think Auburns mascot “aubie” looks like that cat on a bag of Cheetos.

Oklahoma State and Nebraska will be the spoilers this year in the BIG 12…
Believe it…

Once again this year….
I will wish the Oregon State Beavers had a football player named Jerry Mathers.

EDITORS NOTE: Sometimes I wish for too much…

Unfortunately, despite a number of emails and personal appearances by “yours truly…”
The University of Iowa will not be changing their nickname this year from the “Hawkeye’s” to the “Popeye’s” as was reported a few months ago.
Despite the support of a noted Fried Chicken Franchise, it seems a Federal Law suit filed late last week by Olive Oil and Brutus has prompted the University to keep their current nickname.

I would rather be forced to listen to “The Best of Zamfir” Pan Flute CD on a continuous loop this season than willingly listen to any of the following college football “commentators” during a football game:

Vern Lundquist: This syphilitic old troll’s voice has been designated by the United Nations Human Rights Commission as “Cruel and Unusual punishment….”
Enough said…

Archie Manning: If you look in Webster’s Dictionary under the term “Dumbass”, it says;
See Archie Manning.

Bret Musburger: If he were in “Saved by the Bell” he would be Screech…..

Dan Foust: He is a former “Oregon Duck”….
Enough said….

Mark May: If bull crap was electricity….
Then this idiot would be a walking Nuclear Power Plant.

Pam Ward: Her voice has been proven by the American Medical Association to be the leading cause of suicide on college football Saturdays.

John Saunders: He knows as much about college football as Siegfried and Roy do about heterosexuality.

CORRECTION:
The Hit Disney movie “Big Fat Liar” is not The Phil Fulmer Story.
Hope this cleared up any misunderstanding..

I still think Terry Bowden looks like a shaved woodchuck.

Congratulations are in order!
Coach Lou Holtz was inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame this year…
But did you know….
That Coach Lou will also be inducted into the Wild Turkey Hall of Fame later this year, not so much by his accomplishments in preserving our wildlife or turkey hunting heritage. But by his actually being a 145 pound Tom Turkey himself…
Congratulations Coach and Gobble Gobble to you and yours.

Sometime this season some local “affiliate” television station will refuse to break away from an infomercial for Richard Simmons “Sweating to the Geriatric’s” and force me to miss the first half of a Southeastern Conference match-up.
This outrage will ultimately cause me to call the local affiliate station and threaten them with my Michael Jackson impersonation.

PRETENDERS and CONTENDERS

The truth is there isn’t much room at the top of college football.
It’s true and we all know it too.
So there is no point in writing something about how “everybody” has a chance…
It isn’t true….
You all expect more from Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…

So for your reading pleasure the list of teams, in no particular order, that “really” have a chance at the Title in January 2010 and those teams that very well may derail the party, as well as those teams that well…..
Stand a better chance of winning Power Ball than they do of having a winning season….

CONTENDERS

TEXAS: The Longhorns are the real McCoy

FLORIDA: Two words…”Tim Tebow”

OHIO STATE: After they beat the Trojan$ in the Big Horseshoe…
That’s right I said “after”…..
The Buckeyes will be the team to beat in the Big 11, I mean…Big 10.

LSU: The Mighty Tigers have reloaded….
And they will contend for the SEC Conference Championship…..
Believe it….

BOISE STATE: Remember you heard it here first….
The Broncos will go undefeated and play in a BCS Bowl game…
Will it be the Championship game?
You will have to wait until next week to find out.

OKLAHOMA: Because they are the Sooners…
That’s why

PENN STATE: Never underestimate Jo Pa.

ALABAMA: The Mighty Tide will rise again this year.
But is another undefeated season in the future?
Time will solve that mystery for all of us…

VIRGINIA TECH: The Mighty Hokies will win the ACC Conference Championship this season but the road to Pasadena will be a much steeper climb.

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Their place here is due in large part to being the sports media darlings and aside from playing The Ohio State Buckeyes, the Trojans play a variety of non-conference games that resemble the Characters from “Blues Clues.”
But remember you heard it here first….
The Trojan$ will lose “at least” two games this season…
Then we will all watch ESPN, ABC Sports and the College Football News….Weep

FLY’S IN THE BUTTERMILK

SOUTH CAROLINA: Coach Steve forgot more about football than most coaches know.

SOUTHERN MISS: The Golden Eagles are always dangerous…Period.

HOUSTON: If you play the Cougars this year, you will have a problem.

CLEMSON: These are no paper Tigers, they are for real.

GEORGIA TECH: The Rambling Wreck will ruin many a team’s championship plans this season….

WISCONSIN: Never underestimate the Power of Cheese.

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: The Horned Frogs may have their best team ever…

UTAH: Two words for you….”Sugar Bowl”: Enough said…

TEXAS TECH: Despite losing their record setting quarterback and receivers, you can never underestimate the craftiness of the “Mad Pirate”.

OKLAHOMA STATE: This batch of Cowboys will run roughshod over the BIG 12…
Keep your eye on them…

NEBRASKA: The Cornhuskers will upset one team’s dreams in the BIG 12 this year…
Count on it…

GEORGIA: How Bout them Dawgs!

PRETENDERS

TEMPLE: The Owls are to college football what Gary Busey is to philosophy.

EDITORS NOTE: Just for the record…
My favorite Gary Busey quote…

“Never Dip lower than you can Dip”

Wise words Gary…

DUKE: Seriously….Stick to basketball.

INDIANA: Please See “Duke” above..

OREGON: You are the “Ducks”…
You call your offence “The Quack Attack”…..
You have more uniform combinations than Sears has underwear adds….
Your Marching Band Uniforms look like they were designed by George Jetson while he was smoking crack…
If it weren’t for Evergreen State your mascot would be the laughing stock of college football….
And you honestly think we are going to take you seriously?

WASHINGTON STATE: There are two dozen high schools across the South that could beat the Cougars by 35 points. Enough said…..

BAYLOR: Bears please see “Washington State” above…

MICHIGAN: The only thing that scares opponents this year about the Wolverines is the remote chance of seeing Mrs. Rich Rod without her makeup on….

EDITORS NOTE: I threw up a little bit just thinking about it…

PURDUE: What is up with Purdue Pete’s Head? It’s almost….
Notice I said “Almost”…
As big as Wynonna Judds…

NOTRE DAME: The Fighting Irish will surprise a few teams this year but will fall far below expectations…
It’s Like Déjà vu all over again in South Bend…

RUTGERS: Hey Cinderella! The Party’s Over…

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA: You are here because the media loves you…
You are here because of Reggie Bush….
You’re here because you should have already been hammered by the NCAA like yesterdays ground chuck.
You are here because we all hate your arrogance and lying about your “violations”.
But primarily you are here because this year you will fail….

More Later in the Upcoming segments of the Preseason Extravaganza…
Including your prognostications and Conference Championships…
Breaking Down the BCS Standings and review of Conference Media Days…
Pre-Season Email Questions and Answers and more…

So stay Tuned….
Only 34 more days until Kickoff
RTR
MEB

Way before criminal elements flashed hand signs to identify their affiliations….

The members of the Southwest Conference had established identifying hand signs for their respective teams and most if not all the fans of the universities have kept the tradition alive.

Clearly this practice of indentifying one another with hand signs is not unique to the members of the former Southwest Conference, but they did perfect the practice.

After all……
Who hasn’t seen the thumbs up “Gig Em Aggies!” sign..
Displayed on television by thousands of adoring Texas A&M fans at Kyle Field?

I know the fine people in Lubbock….
Still “Get their Guns Up!” for the Mighty Red Raiders of Texas Tech….

And everyone from Memphis to Moscow….
Knows the sign for the University of Texas…
“Hook Em’ Horns”…..

Young and old…..
It’s a way of identifying each other….

But there is a “right way” and a “wrong way”..
To perform this right of passage as a devoted fan…..

As you might imagine..
Different hand signs mean different things…

Case in point…

My buddy Matthew McConaughey of Austin Texas…
Demonstrates the correct form in flashing a proper “Hook Em’ Horns” sign….

While Ed “Apple Butter” Simpson of Texarkana, Arkansas….
Does not….
Not really quite sure what Ed is trying to do here…
It looks like he is describing seeing my sister-in-laws “calcium deposits”….

Conversely…..
The University of Oklahoma Sooners and the Texas A&M Aggies…
Will perform the “Down Horns” sign to signify their inherent dislike for the University of Texas…..

The young children who are raised to be fans of the respective schools learn what each hand sign means before they can even speak……

But as I mentioned earlier….
The old teams of the Southwest Conference didn’t invent the University sign, they just perfected it.

The Horned Frogs of Texas Christian University….
And the Baylor Bears and the Houston Cougars all had hand signs to represent their universities.

Certainly there are others of note around the college football world….

Who hasn’t seen the Gator Chomp….
or The Seminole Tomahawk Chop….

But let us not forget perhaps the most famous of all college football hand signs….

The University of Tennessee…
“Were Number 1” sign….

It is performed quite differently than what you might expect…
It requires “more elbow….”

More College Football Next week….
So stay tuned…
Only 55 days until kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

I want to apologize for the format on my first post back from overseas…

In case you were wondering…
The last post was “not” intended as an Eye Chart…

Glad to see is Hootie back….
(In a strange “Ripley’s Believe it or Not” kind of way)

But I honestly could have done without the picture…
Try not to leave too many comments for him…
It only encourages him….

We have a lot to catch up on so let’s get to it.

Enjoy your update!

TEAM SPRING FOOTBALL NEWS

ARKANSAS: Coach Bobby Petrino has transfer quarterback Ryan Mallett ready to play and if spring practice is any indication a major bowl game is in their future.
Believe it…..

RUTGERS: Nobody cares…..

COLORADO: Remember you heard it here first….
The Buffalos will be lucky to win seven games in 2009…
Beat the rush…
Start looking for your new football coach now…

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously….
You all aren’t on probation yet? Really?

BOISE STATE: The Bronco’s are reloading and will spoil someone’s New Year’s plans…
Believe it…

SMU: Coach Jones with another year under his saddle will have my once proud ponies back in the winners circle.

LOUISVILLE: Please See “Colorado”..
and substitute “Buffalos” with “Cardinals”.

TEXAS TECH: The Red Raiders will need to replace an outstanding quarterback and an ALL-World wide reciever during spring practice.
But I am betting that Coach Leach has a plan…

TEXAS: Two words for you: Colt McCoy…Enough said.

NORTH CAROLINA: Coach Butch Davis has the Tar Heels pointed in the right direction and if the injury bug doesn’t bite them…
The Tar Heels could be the team to beat next year in the ACC…

WASHINGTON: I still miss Coach James…
I bet the Huskie Fans do too….

FLORIDA STATE: What would football practice in Tallahassee be without a player being suspended?

Wide receiver Rod Owens was “Suspended Indefinitely” by Coach Bobby this week after Owens was arrested for DUI.
Least we forget…
This follows the arrest of five players (all receivers) last fall…
For their role in a noon-hour campus brawl…

EDITORS NOTE: I had a nice rhyme going there..

That led to the suspension of sophmore Bert Reed, who as you may remember was suspended three times last season for diffrent reasons.

EDITORS NOTE: The term “Suspended Indefinitely” in Tallahassee means you will not be allowed to play in (one) game against either the South Georgia Taxidermy Academy or the Breaux Bridge Vietnamese Hair Salon and Nail Institute.

MIAMI: If spring practice is any indication….
The Mighty Hurricanes are for real….
AND will be playing for the ACC Championship…

TENNESSEE: For the “That will be the Day File”…
“New” Coach Lane Tiffin dismissed defensive back “starter” Demetrice Morley from the team the team for violating team rules…
Is this a sign that Coach Fulmer’s “25 Strikes and your Out” policy is over?

Time will solve that mystery for all of us…

EDITORS NOTE: I honestly didn’t think Tennessee had any “team rules”…

CINCINNATI: The Bearkats are having an outstanding spring practice…
They are my early season pick to win the Big East…
Believe it…

NCAA: Seriously, do I have to MapQuest Reggie Bush’s momma’s house for you?
Because you know I can…

NCAA PART II: Is it just me….
But don’t you think if President Miles Brand of the NCAA had a different hair cut…
and a funny little mustache that he would look like Adolph Hitler?
Maybe it’s just the way he acts?

EMAIL Q & A

Q: Mike are the Tennessee Football players really suing the makers of “Pot Pies”?
Because pot pies are hard to light and didn’t give them a buzz?
That is too funny!
Nadine – Athens, Georgia

A: It’s true Nadine.
However I failed to mention the additional lawsuit…
Tennessee football players have filed a lawsuit against the Armour Food Corporation.
It would appear from the initial complaint that the football players are suing
for “undisclosed damages” from burning their lips on cans of Armour potted meat
while trying to light them……

Q: I know it’s too early to be asking you…
But I CANNOT take another season of West Point football!
Another year of the Midshipmen beating Army…
Is the drought against Navy going to end anytime soon?
Col. Martin – The Big Red One, Baghdad, Iraq

A: The day you see a flying pig will be a clue Colonel..

EDITORS NOTE: A “Flying Pig”..
is in no way intended as a reference to Wynona Judd..
or her commercial for American Airlines.

Q: Mike was that picture of Hootie Snitch “real”?
I can’t believe that is his real neck!
That was a joke right?
Dave – Columbus, Ohio

A: Dave why do you think he grew a Mullet?
Just be thankful you don’t have to buy him a turtle neck sweater.

Q: Mike what was the first thing you did every day when you woke up over in Iraq?
Tommy – Hollywood, South Carolina

A: Same thing I do back in the states Tommy…
I Remember the Alamo…

Q: The Ivy League has produced some of the finest politicians and leaders the world has ever seen.
Could you see fit to show us the respect our League is due this coming season?
Reginald – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: Well….
Darrell Royal invented the “Wishbone Formation”..
So what’s your point?

Q: Mike, what the Hell is the President of Georgia (Mike Adams) trying to do now?
Wanting to move the Florida -Georgia game to Atlanta?
Thanks!
Mark – Gainesville, Florida

A: Well, first things first Mark…
President Adams treated the GREAT Coach Dooley disrespectfully..
I don’t want to go into it here…
But he should have been publically flogged for that…

Then he tried to change the name of the game…
That has ALWAYS been known as….
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”…
To something “Less offensive…
and something “that doesn’t glorify alcohol use…”

IN fact (you may remember) when President Adams was in the process….
Of changing the name of the Florida – Georgia game…
He refused to accept “any” of my suggestions for the name change…

My Top Three Choices….
to Replace the name of the Florida- Georgia game…

1. Mike Adams can Kiss My Ass Party
2. The Day Mike Adams Died
3. Cinco De Mayo

So to answer your question Mark..
It’s hard to know what goes on in the mind of an idiot…

Q: Mike do you think Coach Rod will turn the Wolverines aroud this year?
Chuck – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Yes he will Chuck; 360 degrees.

Q: So what is Coach Phil Fulmer doing now that he is “retired”?
Chase – Columbia, South Carolina

A: Most recently Phil Fulmer was seen leading the parade as the Grand Marshall…
at the Mule Days in Columbia Tennessee…

EDITORS NOTE: “Mule Days” is in no way a reference to Phil Fulmer’s wife.
Although the last time I saw a face like her’s it had a bit in it’s mouth…

Q: Mike, I noticed in the portion of your website entitled…
“About your favorite College Football Prognosticator”…
that you are afraid of “Midgets”? Why?
Toni – Birmingham, Alabama

A: WHY? See the link below…

http://services.sled.sc.gov/sor/view.aspx?SRS=2649

Before you email me…
“Yes” the height and weight are correct…

This proves that midgets are dangerous….

RTR

MEB

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator is Back!

Before we catch up on lost times…..
I want to thank you all for your kind words in response to my article about Charlie.

I cannot begin to tell you how good it was to see him when I returned.
Simply put: Charlie is “The Man”.

I also want to thank you for your emails and all the prayers while I was deployed.

I greatly appreciate it and will never forget your kindness.

We have a lot to catch up on my friends, so let’s get started.
In case you were wondering, I missed you all too.

Enjoy your update!

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS (REWIND)

 At my age it’s comforting to know that some things don’t change…..
For example…
Coach Rod’s wife still looks like a ten dollar hooker and Kenny Chesney is still the Elton John of country music (Minus the classic music and talent). But there will always be those events that shock and amaze you and not always in a good way.
So, forgive me as we look back at the 2008 college football season and then catch up on a few email questions and answers. 

THE GOOD

FLORIDA: As the Mighty Gator Nation “may” recall….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator picked you to win the BCS Championship back on August 9^th.

EDITORS NOTE: No need to thank me, it’s what I do.

ALABAMA: An undefeated regular season….I didn’t see that one coming.

EDITORS NOTE: But I enjoyed it (immensely) from afar.

NEBRASKA: I told you Coach Bo would bring the Huskers back….
Congratulations on a winning season and bowl victory.

EDITORS NOTE: There are a lot more wins to come, believe me Husker Fans.

PENN STATE: Congratulations on the Big Eleven…I mean Ten Championship.

EDITORS NOTE: Glad you are feeling better Joe, we missed you on the sidelines.

CLEMSON: As I recall, the last time the Tigers had a former Alabama player as a Coach you won the National Championship.

Congratulations on a great choice.

OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes will be stronger this year than ever. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Yes, before you ask; that also means another win over Michigan.

FLORIDA STATE: GREAT NEWS! Coach Bobby has agreed to be cryogenically frozen and coach from the comfort of his liquid nitrogen encased stainless steel container through the year 2120!

 GEORGIA: How Bout them DAWGS!

THE BAD

UTAH: When I am wrong, I admit it.

I picked the Ute’s last year in the “Pre Season Extravaganza” as…

“Pretenders”….

I couldn’t have been more wrong……

EDITORS NOTE: I know what a “Ute” is now.
It’s something that ruined my Sugar fix on 2 January 2009.

TEXAS: Great season and a tremendous Bowl win….
But let me put this gently….

Between the Heisman Ceremony and the BCS Committee..
You all must feel like Jodie Foster in “The Accused”

 The Longhorns should have been playing the Mighty Gators….

OREGON STATE: Damn It

MISSISSIPPI STATE: I hate Coach Croom left…I really do.

MICHIGAN: You had a chance to get Les Miles, but you all wouldn’t listen to me.
The Wolverines misery won’t end with 2008…Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: I bet you all thought I was going to say something about Coach Rod’s wife, didn’t you.

 That will come later in the week….

TEXAS A&M: I still have R.C. Slocum’s cell phone number; you want it?

OKLAHOMA: Losing two games in a season would warrant raises and parades in most places.
But Norman Oklahoma isn’t “most” places.
The Sooner’s better crank it up a notch or two…

The natives are getting restless….

THE UGLY

NCAA: SOOOoooooooooooooooo

You have the time and resources to investigate everybody from the University of New Mexico to Florida State, but you can’t seem to find Reggie Bush’s Momma’s address?

 So just tell us this….

Who have you sold out to?
Was it the ABC network and ESPN?

That 350 Million dollar contract to broadcast PAC 10 football games lined your pockets nicely…..

Was it Adidas?
They really know how to reward an organization for keeping their “Star” endorsement out of trouble.

Or is it that the NCAA is just that corrupt and blind in its favoritism?

Enquiring minds want to know….

EDITORS NOTE: Just for the record, “No”, I will not give this up until I take my last dying breath.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously, shouldn’t you all be on probation by now?

TENNESSEE: So Fat Phil renegotiated his contract with a “healthy” buy out clause months before he gets canned….How convenient.

EDITORS NOTE: I want to thank the administration and the athletic department at the University of Tennessee…
For hiring a new football coach that is easy to make fun of.

NOTRE DAME: On the subject of “healthy” contract buyouts…
Unless the Irish purchase Fort Knox they won’t get Uncle Charlie out of South Bend anytime soon.

 AUBURN: So “Ears” Tubberville took flight and took his high finger salute with him.

 Don’t let the door knob hit you on the back of the head on the way out the door…

 EDITORS NOTE: No wait, that joke was intended for Terry Bowden…
Never mind, it’s still funny.

PAC 10 Conference: Is “Choke” the Official Drink of your Conference?
Just wondering…….

 BCS Committee: As a Safety Tip: You all may not want to vacation in Texas anytime in the foreseeable future.

EMAIL Q&A

 Q: Mike “Welcome back Dude!” Hey I have to ask….
Did you see anything crazy during Mardi Gras when you were in the Middle East? Thanks and Welcome Back!
Trey – Baton Rouge, Louisiana

 A: Thanks Trey; and I know what you really want to know.
Mardi Gras in the Middle East has plenty of T & A……Toes and Ankles.

 Q: Mike, my family and I LOVE the television game show “Jeopardy”!
We watch it religiously!
My question is: Why isn’t there a program on television for college football with the format of Jeopardy?
I think it would be AWESOME!
What do you think?
The Kowalski Family – Madison, Wisconsin

 A: My powers of Prognostication do not extend to programs such as Jeopardy.
Case in point…..
I remember the last time I saw “Jeopardy”.
Alex said:”A Rhino, a Unicorn and Chuck Mangione.”

I would have said….”Three things I don’t want drunk and loose in my house”
See what I mean?

Q: I read something about a Tennessee football player suing a large food manufacture?
Do you have any information on that and by the way welcome home.
Stan – Athens, Georgia

A: Thanks Stan, I appreciate it.
It’s true; a “number” of Tennessee football players are involved in a “class” action lawsuit against Banquet Food Corporation for “False Advertisement”.

It seems their complaint is specifically against the “Banquet Pot Pie”.
The Tennessee football players cited…
 “They were hard to light and didn’t give us the buzz we were expecting”.

Q: Mike we are all really excited here in Minnesota about the upcoming 2009 College Football Season! Go Gophers!
The students here are trying to come up with a new catch phrase to get people excited about our state and Golden Gopher football in 2009!
Do you have any ideas that may help us out?
Thanks!
Tiffany – Saint Paul, Minnesota

A: How does this grab you….
“Ever Vigilant Minnesota: Keeping Canada at bay since 1873”

Q: Mike I have a simple question.
Why the hell didn’t Colt McCoy win the Heisman trophy last year?
Troy – Bangs, Texas 

A: Good question Troy and I have a simple answer for you.
The Heisman Trophy ceremony is televised by ESPN, which is owned by ABC.
ABC televised the BCS Championship last year.
How did they start promoting the game before the Heisman Trophy was awarded?

The first game between “two” Heisman Trophy winners….
See where this is going? Glad I could help.

Q: Mike where has Hootie Snitch been since you have been deployed?
We were looking forward (in a weird kind of way) to his updates in your absence.
Was he deployed on the Global War on Terror Too?
Dave – Little Creek, Virginia

A: I guess you could say Hootie was “technically” deployed.
By “deployed” I mean ordered to the county work farm after he was convicted of stalking the select committee at the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum.

If nothing else he is determined to get his mamma on the ballot for the 2009 inductees.
Hootie will be released back into the wild (appropriately) on April 1^st.

 If you get a chance, cast your ballot for Rowena Ratt Snitch at…..

 http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org/

Tell them Phil Fulmer sent you…..

Q: Mike, I just have to ask…
Are you going to write a book about your adventures?
Thanks!
Holly – Biloxi, Mississippi

A: Thank you for asking Holly.
I am in the process of writing a historical biography.

“It Sucks to be You” – The Genghis Khan Story

Q: Mike in all your world travels,…
Is there anything that you want to share with us that could broaden our horizons…
and possibly enrich our lives on planet earth?
Salantra – Pasadena, California

A: Note to self: Never put Chap Stick on in the men’s room of a bad ass biker bar.

 It sends the wrong message – that’s all I’m saying.

Q: Mike I have a question that has bothered me for some time.
Should we really be involved in the toppling of dictators and the crushing of evil empires?
James – Cave City, Kentucky

A: I believe if we want to fight tyranny….
and dispose of a dictator and an evil regime….
 We should start with Miles Brand and the NCAA in Indianapolis Indiana.

College Football News and Views will be out later in the week.

Have a GREAT Week….

 RTR

MEB

I know….

But Please Stop.. you are embarrassing me….

Just Because I was THE ONLY College Football Prognosticator in the Country to Pick the Texas Christian Horned Frog win (Not an “upset”) last night over the “Undefeated” BYU Cougars is no reason for such adulation…..

I am just a simple College Fooball Prognosticating Genius…

Sort of like “Rain Man”…without the stammer…

Enjoy Your Picks!

College Football NEWS and VIEWS

TENNESSEE: Did anyone see or hear the pregame “interviews” with selected Tennessee Players before last weeks game with Georgia?

In case you missed it…

Here is a brief review….

Defensive Lineman Robert Ayers from Cilio, South Carolina…

“We Ima Heba Go baaa Too Ratba….I sama geaam!”

Offensive Lineman Anthony Parker from Jonesboro, Georgia….

“GOO da bam an da big ga bubba, do da gema too!”

and Last but not Least….

Quarterback Nick Stephens from Flower Mound, Texas…

“EWUS de see moo to harrr, te gema form tut!”

EDITORS NOTE: I am almost certain they are all “Speech” Majors….

TENNESSEE (PART II): Anybody see ALL the Tennessee Volunteer Mascots lined up on the sidelines last weekend in Georgia?
It looked like the cast from “Alice in Wonderland”….
There was a Mountain Man….yet they aren’t the “Mountaineers”
and they aren’t the “David Crockett’s”….
or even the “Crockett’ers”…

EDITORS NOTE: I think the “Crockett’ers” sounds like an Old Peoples Dancing Club…

 
THEN….
There was the student in the Dog Costume…
and they aren’t the “Dogs”…
or the “Dawgs”…
Or even the “Huckleberry Hounds”…

EDITORS NOTE: Although that is a thought….

Then there is the “Real” Blue Tick Hound…
Yet…
We already covered the “Canine” topic haven’t we?

Did you see the student in the “Orange” Costume?
I know they have a lot of “Fruits” in Tennessee…
But “Oranges”?

TENNESSEE (PART III): I am still waiting to hear from my Tennessee Vol fans on the Trivia question….
 ”Who was the Last Quarterback to Start for the Vols from the state of Tennessee…?”

Don’t worry….

I’ll wait….

AUBURN: First the “Good News”….

Coach Tubberville fired “Himself” this week after calling what he described as a horrible game last week with Arkansas…

Now the “Bad News”….

Coach Tubberville then hired “Himself” back with a 6 million dollar buy-out clause…

OKLAHOMA STATE: You boys damn sure Cowboy’d Up!
Congratulations on a GREAT Win….

OLE MISS: I have a “Safety Tip” for any Rebel Fans planning on making the trip to “T” Town this weekend…
“IF” any of you Rebel Fans that threw bottles (and yes even shoes..)..and spit on our players after last years game in Oxford attempt the same stunt again this year…

YOU will not get out of T-Town in the same shape you arrived….

That’s a promise…

COMMERCIALS: What the Hell is wrong with the folks from Pizza Hut?

A commercial that shows a Father ”showing” his son how to eat a slice of pizza?

We are not interested in the “Further Adventures of the Wussy Family”…

AP and USA TODAY POLLS: SOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo
The Southern California Trojans are Number #6 in one poll…
and…
Number # 8 in another poll?

I am sorry, I can’t seem to remember…
Who have they played to “GET BACK” into the Top Ten?

Nobody….
“ENTITLEMENT”…..

The Ohio State Buckeyes lost to (by the national media accounts) “The Best Team EVER”…

Yet they can’t get back into the Top Ten….

Why?
“ENTITLEMENT”…..

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: YOU still aren’t on probation? Really?

Who did you have for NCAA Investigatiors, O.J.’s “First” jury?

NCAA: You know what’s coming now right?

“So where is the Investigation into Reggie Bu$h and the $outhern California Trojan$?”

We are still waiting….

ESPN: If you were watching the Texas – Oklahoma game: Then you heard the worse, most uncomfortable conversation of all time during a broadcast college football game between Brent Musberger and Kirt Herbstreit….

KIRT: I love the atmosphere of this game with the Texas State Fair right outside the Cotton Bowl..

BRENT: Isn’t that the Texas Ferris Wheel in the distance?

KIRT: Let me see..I am reading from the Texas State Fair Guide..
The Texas State Ferris Wheel is one of the largest free standing Ferris Wheels in the World at Over 200 plus feet tall…

BRENT: What do you say you and I take a ride on that after the game?

KIRT: What? No, that’s alright……
Looks like Oklahoma is ready to take the field after the time-out…

BRENT: We could relax on the wheel and forget about the troubles on Wall Street and see the lights of Dallas from up there….

KIRT: No, that’s alright Brent I’ll pass….

EDITORS NOTE: Just when you think Brent Musburger couldn’t get any creeper….
He wants to get all “Mister McFeely” with Kirt Herbstreit…..

ESPN (PART II): Thanks so much for adding “another” studio analyst to an already crowded lineup…

Todd McShay..”Director of College Scouting”

Are YOU Kidding me?

Call him what he is…..

Another..
“Master of the Obvious”…

CLEMSON: Although about FOUR years too late to suit me….

YOU made the right decision…

It’s time to get a REAL Football Coach for the Tigers….

One is on the way…
Believe me…

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, could you start picking some other “smaller” schools in the northeast?
Think about it!
Ben – Dover, Delaware
A: O My Gosh….
ARE you KIDDING Me!
“BEN DOVER”?
I may have peed on myself….

Q: Mike, I know this is not your normal subject matter…
 But what do you know about today’s ”so-called”… ”Energy Drinks”?
Are they harmful?
Thanks!
Molly – Fort Smith, Arkansas
A: Molly you came to the right place…
“Little Known” fact  we folks in the South have known for years…
Mountain Dew is the “Orginal” Energy Drink…
You don’t think so?
If you drink Mountain Dew for breakfast for four years you can’t donate blood..
Enough said…

Q: I want to thank Hootie Snitch for the smoking hot picture of that “girl” he got arrested with!
Bunch of us done downloaded the picture and got it blowed up!
It’s hanging in the work shed right now!
Skeeter – Dandridge, Tennessee
A: See the below email…

Q: DAMN! Where in the Hell did Hootie Snich find that GOOD Looking Gal?
LORDY I done copied that picture and sent it to all my friends!
Hot damn, I am still all lathered up over that picture!
War Eagle!
Chip – Loachapoka, Alabama
A: It’s nice to know that Hootie has “Interstate” appeal…

Q: Helloo! I want you to know that I enjoy your article!
I read each week!
You inspire me to follow my dreams!
I inspire to be the FIRST Asian Ghost Buster!
YES!
So I go back to Hong Kong and follow my dream!
Chang – San Francisco, California
(Hong Kong!)
A: SOOOooooooooooooooooo
Who you gonna Crawl?

THE GAMES

Saturday October 18th

Texas Tech at Texas A&M
If you have children in the room when this game is on…
Please, send them out to play…
This is going to be really ugly…
As in my Sister-in-Law in a string bikini ugly…
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 38-17

Vanderbilt at Georgia
On paper this looks like a really close game…
But Football isn’t played on paper…
HOW Bout Them DAWGS!
DAWGS 28-17

LSU at South Carolina
Please see “Texas Tech at Texas A&M” for a graphic description of this game…
FIGHT’N TIGERS 31-14

EDITORS NOTE: Sorry for the above visuals, but yes…
They will be “That” ugly…

Syracuse at South Florida
A team called the “Orange” goes to Florida and gets squeezed…

Coincidence?

I think not…
BULLS 33-10

Kutztown at East Stroudsburg
Is Kutztown close to Funky Town?
Just wondering….

Wake Forest at Maryland
I wish I had a shirt that says…
“I Got Crabs in Maryland”…
But sometimes I wish for too much…
NINJA TURTLES 24-21

Purdue at Northwestern
I would watch this game but I have all the symptoms….
That I am getting Disco Fever…
WILLDCATS 24-23

Memphis at East Carolina
I don’t know where either team has been for the past three weeks…
So this is a toss up…
PIRATES 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Maybe Skip Holtz has been too busy “Interviewing” for the Clemson job before it even became open….

Because he has….

Connecticut at Rutgers
The Jersey (Pronounced: Jeo-seeeeee) Cinderella lost her shoes….
And…..
Mid-Night Powder Blue Eye Shadow…
HUSKIES 27-21 

Georgia Tech at Clemson
Everything says the folks from Carolina won’t win….
But this is about “Pride”….
I am a Believer…
TIGERS 23-21

Frostburg State at Ithaca
You know a school is ten miles from the artic circle when they name it “Frost-burg”…
Or maybe….
This is the school were “Frosted Flakes” was invented…
Never mind..

Wisconsin at Iowa
Will the Mighty Badgers lose four in a row?
Not this year….
Believe in the Power of Cheese……
BADGERS 33-27

Nebraska at Iowa State
Did anybody see the “Black Shirts” take the Red Raiders to Overtime last week?
Enough said…
CORNHUSKERS 34-17

Kansas at Oklahoma
My Choice for the “Last Team on the Planet to Play when they are Mad as Hell”…..

BOOMER SOONERS 34-23

Colorado State at Utah
I really didn’t know which way to go on this one…….
But I just got finished watching “My Cousin Vinnie..”
TWO UTES 33-28

Baylor at Oklahoma State
Have I mentioned that the Baylor School of Medicine is one of the finest Medical Schools in the country?
They may need it when this is over….
COWBOY UP! 31-17

Southern Miss at Rice
I wish I could take the Golden Eagles in this one….
and I would have…
But you got rid of Coach Bower…
MY FAVORITE PUDDING 24-20

Ole Miss at Alabama
Let’s keep this one simple shall we?
CRIMSON TIDE 27-17

Southern California at Washington State
The cougars couldn’t whip cream……
TROJAN$ 116-0

Ohio State at Michigan State
This is going to be one hell of an old fashion Big Ten..I mean “Eleven” Fight…
Don’t blink….
BUCKEYES 23-20

Westminster at LaGrange College
“Haw..Haw Haw…”
I just couldn’t resist another ZZ Top reference…

North Carolina at Virginia
I think the world of those boys from the Old Dominion…
But…
The Tar Heels are for REAL….
(Just like I told you they were at the begining of the season..)
TAR HEELS 28-17

Pittsburg at Navy
Do you know who I think will have a “Big” day in this game?
The Midshipman Quarterback….
“Kaippo-Nooa KKahheeakku- Ennhhadda”

That poor boy’s name starts at the back of his jersey and goes all the way to the front….

MIDSHIPMEN 23-21

 
Hiram at Eartham
If your name is Hiram…
You are harder than Woodepecker Lips…
It’s a Law…
HIRAM whips EARTHAM’s Ass….

MTSU at Louisville
Everytime I see one of these “Alphabet Soup” Schools…
I have the uncontrollable urge to “Buy a Vowel”….
CARDINALS 38-17

Randolph Macon at Emory & Henry
I wish this was Randolph “Bacon”…
Because….
There is nothing like pork products to enhance a Tailgating experience…
I’m Just saying….

Miami (FL) at Duke
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!
WHAT?
Have you lost your damn minds?
HURRICANES 33-16

Army at Buffalo
O.K…..
West Point has “won” two weeks in a row….
Which is normally a sign of the coming Apocalypse…
But in his case I believe it means….
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 27-24

Marshall at UAB
Here we go with “Alphabet Soup” again…
“Vanna Darling could I buy a Vowel?”

EDITORS NOTE: FACT….
When the above is spoken with a Southern accent…
You automatically win the Grand Prize….
Not that is matters here…

THUNDERING HERD 31-13

Stanford at UCLA
Another “BIG GAME” in the PAC 10 this week….
I would watch it too….
But….
“Mr. Potato Head: Behind The Music” is on VH1….
Sorry…
BRUINS 23-21

Michigan at Penn State
The Wolverines “Might” win this game…..
And….
Mrs. Coach Rod “Might” not dress like a ten dollar hooker….

We all know….
Neither of which is possible…
JO PA’S LIONS 31-16

Kansas State at Colorado
My Sister-in-Law “reviewed” the films of her leading the Colorado Team onto the field a few weeks ago…..
She thinks the camera makes the hump on her back look “smaller”….
If only it could do something with that one foot that looks like a hoof…
BUFFALOS 33-28

Arkansas at Kentucky
I can honestly say…..
I have NO Idea who has the advantage here…
Take your pick…
WILDCATS 27-24

Oregon State at Washington
I am not ashamed to say it…..
Damn It…
I Love Beavers!
BEAVERS 34-14

EDITORS NOTE: Please, No Hate Mail this week from people who think I am being Nasty…
I am just talking about the BEAVERS!

Idaho at Louisiana Tech
I think ”Famous Potatoes” are going to get a Cajun Mashing…
DOOLEY’S BULLDOGS 38-10

Mississippi State at Tennessee
I believe Coach Croom’s Dog’s are Hungry…..
and are more than capable….
Of Treeing a Volunteer…
CROOM’S BULLDOGS

Lenoir Rhyne at Carson Newman
If this was LeeAnn Rimes I still think the Eagles would win…
It would just be more fun to watch…
SPARKS EAGLES 34-24

Occidental at Chapman
Don’t they mean “accidental”?
NOW that makes sense….

Missouri at Texas
Everybody thinks MO’s Tigers will beat the Longhorns…
Just like “THEY” all thought the Sooners would roll the Horns up last week….

HOOK EM….
LONGHORNS 38-34

Virginia Tech at Boston College
IF the Turkeys want to have a chance in this game they better get that Big Ole Wang in the game….
HOKIES 24-23

EDITORS NOTE: What Now? I was talking about Ed WANG….

San Jose State at New Mexico State
I think “San Jose” is Spanish for….
I just got my ass Kicked in New Mexico…
AGGIES 34-23

UTEP at Tulsa
What is it with all the Alphabet Soup U’s this week?
TEP-U and Golden Hurricanes too?
Common decency prevents me from commenting on this one…

HURRICANES of GOLD 38-33

Indiana at Illinois
I still haven’t heard back from you folks in Indiana on the name change from “Hoosiers” (Which nobody knows what the hell that is…)

To…”The Gomers!”
With!
Jim Nabors as an Official Sponsor!

How does this sound….
“Here come the Gomers! SHAZAM!”
Just think about it…that’s all I ask

ZOOKS FIGHTN PUMPKINS 34-17

Houston at Southern Methodist
My Poor Ponies have been rode hard and put up wet….
COUGARS 43-24

California at Arizona
I would watch this game but Mike Tyson is going to be on Celebrity Jeopardy…

I hope I get to hear him say…

“I’wa take “People I want to Kill” for 500 Al-wex”….

BEARS 38-24

Air Force at UNLV
Seriously….
What is the Deal with all the Acronym U’s this week?
Next week I am going to combine all the Acronym-Alphabet Schools into one word…
It will be like Scrabble for cool people…
FALCONS 33-31

Enjoy Your Games!

RTR
MEB

As promised we return for the Saturday College Football Games…..

Due to limited time this week for “The Picks” I will present the “Southern California Trojan” version of the College Football Picks next week…

However, just for you (My Beloved Fans) I will provide a sample of what is to come in that segment with a “Southern California Trojan” Testimonial…
It should be more than enough to get your funny bone going for the weekend…

Enjoy Your Picks!

College Football News and Views

HURRICANE IKE: Now I know how Tina felt….
I am glad your ass is gone….

ARCHIE MANNING: Is it just me, or is Archie starting to look more like Woody Allen each day?

FLORIDA STATE: Even at Bobby’s advanced age he is out on the recruiting trail…
You don’t think so?
Tune in next week, I have a picture to prove it!

ESPN: The only thing you have for us at Halftime on Thursday Night College Football is “Dr. Lou”?

Really? That’s all you all came up with?

Lou spitting and gobbling for 15 minutes?

HOW about SHOWING us the Damn MARCHING BANDS?

TENNESSEE: This past week Phat Phil and his “personal” Attorney Jeff Hagood filed a motion to prevent Coach Phil Fulmer from having to provide a depostion in a lawsuit involving a former Alabama Booster.

This isn’t the “Same” Coach Phil Fulmer that stated in an article this past summer (printed in the Knoxville News-Sentinel) that self-proclaimed he was a “man of Principle and Integrity”…

This couldn’t be the “Same” Coach Fulmer that stated on a radio sports talk show “I didn’t have anything to do with the investigation into  Alabama…”
Then Proceded to conduct his own investigation with “Thunder Lips” Thornton and became the NCAA “Secret Witness”?

EDITORS NOTE: The wheels of justice move slowly….but they finally caught his fat ass.

AUBURN: This past week the President of Auburn University had to issue a statement to the student, fans and alumni….
“Be good sports…Don’t Boo your team or the opposing team…Your behavior reflects poorly on the Auburn Family…”

EDITORS NOTE: I NEVER thought I would see the day when the Auburn Fans acted like Tennessee Fans….You should all be ashamed of yourselves….

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously, shouldn’t you all be on probation by now?
Just wondering……

MICHIGAN: I know it hurts losing to a crappy Notre Dame Team….
But Look on the bright side….
Coach Rod’s wife STILL looks like a ten Dollar Hooker….

NCAA: SOoooooo just exactly are you with the “BIG” Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Mighty Southern California Trojans..?

STILL Wondering…..

EMAIL Questions and Answers

Q: Mike, how do they seperate the “Boys” from the “Men” at The University of Southern California?
Mel – Seattle, Washington
A: With a Crowbar….

Q: Hey Man! I am a Roadie for a Poison cover band called “Poison: Overdose” and I have a question for you! If Bret Michaels was a college football team who would it be and why?
Thanks Dude, you rock!
“Beef” – Kansas City, Missouri
A: I would have to say Georgia Tech…Because they are after all..
 ”The Rambling Wreck”…Rock on Dude..

Q: If you could have one wish, would it be for “World Peace” or “Ending World Hunger”?
Flower – Coronado, California
A: Neither….
It would involve a Deaf Mute “Super Model” that owned her own chain of liquor stores…

Q: Mike, our neighbors are Tennessee fans…
They are normal 8 months out of the year…
You can talk with them about almost anything..
Until football season starts!

Then they act stupid! Can you help us please?

Mindy – Biloxi, Mississippi
A: Mindy…these are people that believe “Professional Wrestling” is Real and the Moon landing is a fake….Go figure.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA TROJAN “Testimonials”

EDITORS NOTE: These are “real” testimonials to the Greatness of all that is the University of Southern California Trojans Football…..
Enjoy….

“Mark Sanchez saved me a ton of money on my car insurance!”

- Dr. Mike Rotchburns

“The Southern California Trojans Cured my Polio!”

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

“Since I placed my hands under the University of Southern California Trojan center last week; I no longer want to molest little boys…Thank you USC Trojans!”

- Michael Jackson

“It is a scientific fact: Hurricanes DO NOT hit the west coast out of fear for the Southern California Trojans!”

- Jim Cantore “The Weather Channel”

“What was I thinking? Scientology is for wusseys! I believe in the power of the Trojans!”

- Tom Cruise

THE GAMES

Saturday September 20th

EDITORS NOTE: I have been accused in the past of being “insensitive” and “uncultured”….
I hope to correct this unfair description of myself this week….
By Picking Your College Football Games through the “magic” of Interpretive Dance…

Enjoy!

Troy at Ohio State
I am doing the “River Dance” right now and thinking….
THE MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-10

EDITORS NOTE: Get it..”Stomping”?
I think I pulled something…

East Carolina at North Carolina State
If I was the Coach for the Wolfpack I would be doing the “Running Man”….
PIRATES 23-17

Temple at Penn State
I am a little afraid to discuss dancing here: I don’t want Jo Pa to break a hip…
JO PA’S LIONS 44-13

Mississippi State at Georgia Tech
Somebody call the Bee Gees!
The Bulldogs….are Staying Alive…
BULLDOGS 23-20

EDITORS NOTE: I can’t believe I had to resort to a Disco reference already…
I might have really pulled something……my leg is on fire.

Ohio at Northwestern
Seriously…My leg is burning like hell itself.
WILDCATS 27-14

Florida Atlantic at Minnesota
Just thinking about Gophers Dancing…
Makes me laugh…
O SOooo GOLDEN GOPHERS 33-17

Iowa at Pittsburg
Honestly? I am still laughing about the Dancing Gophers….
Yes..I am that easily amused.
EYES of the HAWK 27-14

Central Michigan at Purdue
Seriously…
I have to stop laughing over the dancing Gophers…
I almost made myself throw-up…..
BOILERMAKERS 28-24

Alabama at Arkansas
This ain’t no Party….
This ain’t no Disco…
This ain’t no fooling around…
CRIMSON TIDE 33-24

Central Florida at Boston College
If yankees dance or enjoy themselves in any way…
I am blissfully unaware…
EAGLES 27-14

Eastern Michigan at Maryland
“See the above Pick for discription”
FIGHTN TURTLES 24-20

South Carolina State at Clemson
In case you didn’t know…
South Carolina is known for the “Shag”…
There isn’t anything I don’t like about that…
TOMMY’S TIGERS 38-10

Miami (FL) at Texas A&M
I cannot believe I am doing the Texas Two Step on this one…
HURRICANES 23-17

Buffalo at Missouri
Is there a dance called the “Buffalo Beat-Down’?
Well…….There should be
MO’S TIGERS 49-10

Wyoming at Brigham Young
I don’t think Mormons are allowed to dance…
Are they?
Never Mind….I just remembered “Donny and Marie”…
COUGARS 33-14

 
Arizona at UCLA
This is going to be really…really…
UGLY….
BRUINS 17-14

Florida at Tennessee
Speaking of “Ugly”….
Do you know the Number One Pick Up Line in OBKnoxville on Saturday Night?
“Hey….Nice Tooth”
MIGHTY GATORS 34-17

Boise State at Oregon
Call me crazy….
My psychiatrists did….
BRONCOS 31-28

Houston at Colorado State
In case you were wondering…
I can no longer “Dance Out” this weeks picks…
Pulled something in my leg..
After all, who do you think I am …
Deney Terrio?
COUGARS 34-31

Notre Dame at Michigan State
Damn you Adrian Zmed and your high power dancing….
FIGHTING IRISH 28-24

Virginia Tech at North Carolina
When I was in school I was really good at the “Hokey-Pokey”…
I didn’t even know It was a dance until I was caught by the principal….
Forget I mentioned it…
TAR HEELS 23-17

Rutgers at Navy
Sailors dancing in those white Cracker Jack Uniforms reminds me of that one guy in “The Villiage People”
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 24-17

Marshall at Southern Miss
This game may decide the Conference USA Champion….
It will be close….
REAL close…
GOLDEN EAGLE 23-21

Utah at Air Force
Normally I wouldn’t pick against the Mighty Falcons…
But these Utes are something else…
TWO UTES 31-28

South Florida at Florida International
Why do these people from Florida think they are all “International”?
What makes them so “International”?
Do they eat with their feet?
BULLS 27-14

Rice at Texas
I believe the words in the song…..
“The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You”
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-14

Menlo at Occidental
I am not quite sure why this is in here….
It sounds like a disease and a Health Insurance Company…

Massachusetts at Texas Tech
This will be SOOoooooo close…
NOT…
RED RAIDERS GET THOSE GUNS UP! 38-17

Sam Houston State at Kansas
I always admired Sam Houston…
But he is outgunned in this one…
JAY’S HAWKS 43-10

Wake Forest at Florida State
The Demon Deacons will keep this one closer than you think….
But on the up side…
Coach Bobby is telling everyone he has tickets to the “next” Elvis Concert…
SEMINOLES 28-17

Ball State at Indiana
I have a meeting of the International Sea Monkey Society…
Or I would soooo be watching this one…
HOMERS 31-28

Muskingum College at Otterbein College
This sounds like a game between two lung infections…

Vanderbilt at Ole Miss
Will the Commodores be 4 and 0 after this week?
Yes….I believe they will be.
COMMODORES 27-23

New Mexico at Tulsa
I wish I cared…But I am tired from the “magic” of Interpretive Dance…
Plus my ankle hurts…
GOLDEN HURRICANES 33-28

Wofford at South Carolina
I believe if Chewbacca had a College…
It would be Wofford…
OR if Chewbacca had a pesky cough..
It would be Wofford…
I have to stop…
GAMECOCKS 38-10

LSU at Auburn
I could easly pick the winner of this game as the “Tigers”
But that isn’t why you read my column…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 17-15

Georgia at Arizona State
It’s about time people out west learn that all important phrase…
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS!
DAWGS 24-17

Texas Christian at Southern Methodist
The Mighty Mustangs will keep this closer than you might think..
For a while….
HORNED FROGS 24-14

Fresno State at Toledo
I have the International Sea Monkey Society Meeting “After Party” or I would watch this one….
I promise…
BULLDOGS 34-17

Juniata at Ursinus
I tried to say these two teams “out loud” really fast and I spit all over myself….

San Jose State at Stanford
My Lord….I can’t believe I am doing this….
CARDINAL 6-3

Iowa State at UNLV
As a Side Note: Always “Warm up” before you start dancing and typing…
CYCLONES 23-21

New Mexico State at UTEP
If the knuckleheads in Aggieland Bring back “Pistol Pete” I will not publish naked pictures of “key” members of the administration with farm animals…

That is my promise to you….
AGGIES 24-20

 
Enjoy Your Games!

RTR
MEB