I present your last and final installment of the College Football Preseason Extravaganza for your viewing pleasure.

It’s a shame our boys and girls overseas can’t read about college football on the CFB Wizard.

I guess that’s supposed to make us all safer, right?

Enjoy…

FAMOUS COACH’S QUOTE

“Listen; does your boy know how to work? Try to teach him to work, to sacrifice, to fight. He better learn now, because he’s going to have to do it someday. I mean, some morning when you’ve been out of school twenty years and you wake up and your house has burned down and your mother is in the hospital and the kids are all sick and you’ve overdrawn at the bank and your wife has run off with the drummer, what are you going to do? Throw in?”

Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant
The University Of Alabama

COLLEGE FOOTBALLTEAM NEWS

NORTH CAROLINA: New Tar Heel Coach “not important enough to remember your name” has stated recently that “the team is on the right track and everything is falling into place.”

EDITORS NOTE: As your college football interpreter this is what the above actually means…

“None of the players has gotten into trouble so far and I hope I can keep my job after the NCAA completes the ultimate destruction of the North Carolina football program”

NORTH DAKOTA: Stop me if you have heard this one before….
The Politically Correct Police at the NCAA are attempting to usurp the authority of the North Dakota State Government and impose their will upon the University of North Dakota “Fighting Sioux”.
Why you may ask?

Because the NCAA “has deemed the Fighting Sioux mascot hostile and abusive”

Meanwhile the North Dakota Legislature passed a bill requiring the University to keep their current name and Governor Jack Dalrymple signed House Bill 1263 into law this year.

The NCAA is standing firm on their diversity high ground and is telling the Governor and the Legislature of a sovereign state of this country that they must reverse this law or the University of North Dakota will face harsh penalties from the “volunteer organization” known as the NCAA. The Big Sky Conference which North Dakota is a part of is also being threatened by the NCAA thought police too, if they keep the “Fighting Sioux” in their conference.

EDITORS NOTE: My discussion of secession from the NCAA, doesn’t seem like such a bad idea now, does it? I know, I’m a pioneer

WEST VIRGINIA: One time coach in “waiting” that is no longer waiting Dana Holgorsen has taken over as the Mountaineer Head Football Coach since athletic director Oliver “Did you know my son plays at Stanford?” Luck forced loyal West Virginia native Coach Bill Stewart to resign a year ahead of schedule.

EDITORS NOTE: I guess Athletic Director Oliver Luck got his lessons in “Loyalty” and “Honesty” from former Mountaineer Coach Rich Rodriguez.

IOWA: The Hawkeyes and their fans are known for always playing hard and exhibiting good sportsmanship, as well as having an amazing memory for all things Hawkeye Football.

Let the animosity begin

OHIO STATE: As the Mighty Buckeye Nation awaits its fate at the hands of the NCAA executioner I want to remind them all; even if you’re not a Fickell’d Fan this year, get behind the new coach and support the team.

EDITORS NOTE: I’m serious…..
I can do these puns all day..

IDAHO: Anytime I hear anything about Idaho….
I am reminded of a girl named Ida I went to high school with….
She had a rather “questionable” reputation

TEXAS A&M: The Aggies were not invited to join the Southeastern Conference and are now looking at a rather ugly divorce from the Big 12 Conference. This is causing consternation throughout the Republic of Texas reaching all the way to the Texas Legislature and Governor Rick Perry. This story isn’t going away anytime soon….

EDITORS NOTE: Can’t we all just get along?

FLORIDA: Have you noticed that no one is talking about the Mighty Gators?
Don’t worry, they will be….

OREGON: I Know….
Coach Chip Kelly has “Ducked” a number of issues related to the NCAA investigation of the football program, but I have an unrelated question.

Now that the Oregon State Police have released the video related to Cliff Harris’s traffic stop.

You remember that, don’t you?
Cliff Harris was stopped for doing 118 miles an hour on June 12th in a rental car that was registered to an Oregon university employee.
What you may not know is on the police camera and subsequent audio…..
The Highway Patrol Officer asked Cliff “where is the marijuana” because the office smelled it coming from the car. Would you like to know what Cliff Harris’s response was to the officer?
“We smoked it all”

I guess the University of Oregon also failed to mention “star” Quarterback Darren Thomas was in the passenger seat. Oops….

When Coach Chip Kelly was asked about the latest turn of events with the release of the State Police video, Chip said “He wasn’t aware of that, but he would look into it.”

Funny….
Because I thought Coach Chip Kelly already said he was ‘Looking into all the facts before making a decision” the day AFTER this incident happened.

To say nothing of the University of (NIKE) Oregon’s inability to administer a urinalysis test for the student-athletes in this case.

And as you might imagine….
Both players are still on the Oregon Football team…..

Surprised?

EDITORS NOTE: Somewhere Phil Fulmer is saying…..
“Chip! That’s my Boy!”

MIAMI: If even half of the allegations I have heard concerning the Hurricane Football program are true then things are going to get really ugly in South Florida.

How ugly you might ask?

When the NCAA get’s finished with the Hurricanes….

It’s going to be uglier than Wynona Judd in a string bikini.

EDITORS NOTE: I threw-up a little bit when I typed that one…

MICHIGAN: With a new Coach and a “new” attitude in Ann Arbor this year, the Wolverines also have a “new” Battle Cry this year to carry them into the 2011 college football season.

Michigan Wolverines: “We are Fabulous”

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder if that was their first choice for a “Battle Cry”

LSU: The Mighty Bayou Bengal’s were put on probation this year by the NCAA and lost some scholarships in the process because they said some student-athletes had received “impermissible benefits”.

Wow that sounds serious!

I have a question for the NCAA…
When did the NCAA “get permission” to sell the student-athletes “likenesses” to EA Sports and Sony for MILLIONS of DOLLARS for their video football games?
So, that’s ok?

GEORGIA TECH: Let me be sure I understand this correctly….
The NCAA hammered the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets because the Athletic Director “told” his football coach (Who happens to be his employee) that the NCAA was investigating “suspected” improper benefits being received by a few of the student athletes on the football team.

That makes sense right?
To tell your “employee” to look into a potential or suspected problem before it becomes serious.

Well that’s NOT how the NCAA works boys and girls….

They hit the Rambling Wreck with even more sanctions because….
“The athletic director disobeyed the NCAA Investigators”

EDITORS NOTE: If the NCAA is going to treat Athletic Directors like they are six years old why don’t they punish them for not getting to bed on time too?

My Friends it’s time to secede from the NCAA…..

NCAA: I have just one more question for the folks in Indianapolis ….
When you become an employee of the NCAA Enforcement Committee, do they supply you with the Nazi uniform or do you have to buy it yourself?
I’m just asking…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Speaking of NCAA Enforcement….
Why aren’t they on the Southern California Trojan Campus talking to Lane Kiffin?
It was just a few months ago that drunken “star” running back Marc Tyler told TMZ that
“Southern California Trojans pays its players”

Click here to view the embedded video.

Lane Kiffin said it was “all a big joke”

Maybe I have that quote wrong….

I think Lane was referring to himself as being a Head Football Coach…

Sorry for the confusion

CLEMSON: The below is an actual article, because you can’t make this stuff up…..

SPARTANBURG, S.C. (AP) — Clemson’s athletic department reported 12 NCAA secondary violations, including two athletes repaying their portion of a hotel room paid for by a former teammate’s agent.

In addition, an internal audit found that athletes living off campus received about $1 more than they should have in their housing allowance.

The violations were reported Friday, and occurred between February and July 15. Clemson’s athletic department releases NCAA violations twice a year through open records requests from The Associated Press and other media outlets.

The reports did not include the names of the athletes or the sports involved. The infractions are all considered secondary, the least serious NCAA classification.

Among the violations was one that occurred in March when a Clemson coach overheard players discussing their spring break trip to Miami and visiting former teammates training there. The athletic department’s compliance department later found out that two athletes stayed in a hotel room paid for by the former teammate’s agent at a cost of $379 plus tax per night.

The two were made to pay back their share of the bill, donating $76 each to charity.

The audit found out that Clemson athletes living away from campus received $1 to $2 more than they should have. All were declared ineligible but will have their status restored when they pay back the nominal fee.

Other infractions included a coach allowing a prospective student athlete to shadow him for a day in February. The violation was discovered when the coach took the young person to show him the compliance office. The coach was given a refresher on NCAA rules.

The NCAA found a Clemson prospect participated in organized competition past the one-year grace period given after high school graduation. The athlete was declared ineligible and was reinstated by the NCAA.

Also, the NCAA discovered a Clemson prospect was paid for playing in organized competition. He had his eligibility reinstated on the conditions that he would be charged a season of competition and repay the cost of the impermissible benefit, $333, to a local charity.

Another prospect recruited by Clemson was found by the NCAA to have played five games as a professional. The prospect’s eligibility will be restored if the recruit sits out next season.

In another instance, a prospect heading for an official visit to Clemson had their car break down and called a coach for help because there was a toddler in the vehicle. Clemson’s compliance office called the Atlantic Coast Conference office and, after consulting with the NCAA enforcement staff, was allowed to let a non-coaching staff employee pick the family about 5 miles away in Pendleton. The prospect was asked to pay back $2.66 in mileage costs.

EDITORS NOTE: Let me be sure I have this right…..
Some Clemson athletes received between $1.00 and $2.00 dollars more than they should have while living away from Campus? And if they don’t pay the money back they will be ruled ineligible by the NCAA?

Wow…..
If the NCAA is that serious over one or two dollars, then the folks in Auburn must be getting really nervous, can I get an “In Cam we Trust”?

OKLAHOMA: Sooner fans are known to be passionate…..

If given the opportunity they will hate you 365 days of the year, including Christmas.

UTAH: In case you were wondering…

These two Utes are doing it wrong….

SOUTH CAROLINA: Coach Steve recently said he thinks the University of Alabama gets preferential treatment from ESPN in its coverage of the Crimson Tide.
I know it must be tough on you coach Steve….
There was a time that you were the best coach in the Southeastern Conference….
Now you aren’t even the best football coach in the SEC Eastern Division….
That must really hurt your pride

So I have an idea…..
Why don’t you just coach the University of South Carolina and worry about that?

EMAIL OF THE WEEK

Sir,
I am General Beauregard T. Thistleballs, Commanding Officer of the 69th Regimental Electronics Enterprise (REE), of the 13th Tactical Aerial Reconnaissance Division (TARD). I am highly outraged, offended, and bitter at the latest diatribe and tasteless drivel that you have spewed on your website. This simply further reinforces our decision to block your heinous website from the young, impressionable, innocent troops here in theatre.

For your information, the following is the reasoning for the blockage. On numerous occasions you have espoused disorder, chaos, and insurrection on your website. Case in point: You called for the secession of the SEC from the NCAA. We cannot have those types of thoughts floating around in the heads of these young people. We need to coddle and teach these youngsters to be nice and inclusive to everyone. But the worst consequences of your uncompassionate rants and baseless attacks are that YOU sir, have hurt the feelings of countless soldiers. I don’t know if you realize it, but, the US Army is a bastion young people from all over the country. Most prevalent are those with University of Southern California, University of Tennessee, Ohio State University, and Auburn University ties. I can’t count the number of times that I have walked into a shower stall only two discover two soldiers holding, caressing, and consoling each other after they finished reading one of your brazen articles. I don’t know how many times my Sergeant Major has come to me and told me that the soldiers just don’t want to go outside the wire and do their jobs because they read an article taunting their Spartan, Tiger, or Volunteer backgrounds.

Sir, I want you to know that here at the 13th Fighting TARDS, we VALUE diversity!!! Something you wouldn’t understand given your callous and homophobic remarks week after week. We welcomed and urged young men and women to “come out of the closet”, so to speak. We begged them to step up and smell the beautiful flower of openness. But that is not what you’re agenda is about. You wouldn’t know political correctness if it slapped you on your ruddy, cherubic cheeks. If I could, I’d turn you over my knee and spank your supple, round, firm buttocks until they were of a splendidly pink aura. And then….

Well, you get the picture. Your website will never be allowed in theatre again. I have put my foot down (and broke a heel doing it!!!). We DO take care of our troops, contrary to what you think. As long as it is in my power to create and shape these young minds, then shows like Barney, Les Miserables, and many others will be available for them to watch. But, don’t be alarmed Mr “Wizard”. You’re not the only one who has faced my wrath. On the local Armed Forces Radio Network we have replaced prime time programming with the Elton John Tribute hour and the Rod Stewart greatest hits ensemble, and the “Best of” Liberace show. We are currently working on a show and format for Madonna.

As you can see, this well thought out, politically correct and well meaning decision is best for all.

Militarily,
Beauregard T. Thistleballs,
General
United States Army
REE/TARDS
USC ‘69

THE BEST and WORST of COLLEGE FOOTBALL

Worst Celebration Ritual: University of Pittsburgh
Former Pittsburgh Panther Head Football Coach Mike Haywood “celebrating” his promotion as the head football coach of the University of Pittsburgh by getting liquored up and whipping his wife’s ass. Classy…………..

Worst College Football Pregame Program:
(Tie) CBS College Sports and ABC
The CBS College Football Game Day studio has the most diverse group of talking heads on television.
It’s like Sesame Street without the cute furry characters.

This is what you will see on any given Saturday in the CBS College Football Pre-game Studio….
“Former” coach and current college football “analyst” Phil Fulmer setting in a corner with the remnants of a jelly donut on his face looking like he just got fired (again)….

While Archie Manning is rifling through pictures in his wallet and asking if anyone wants to see pictures of Peyton and Eli naked in a bathtub together.
Unfortunately both “boys” were in their twenties when the photos were taken.

Then there is Spencer Tillman who looks like a Little Richard Impersonator….
I half expect him to break into “Good Golly Miss Molly” before every telecast…

What can you say about ABC College Football with John Saunders…..
He puts the “dumb” in “ass”….

Best College Football Pregame Program: ESPN College Game Day

“We are coming to your city…”

The ESPN College Game Day Opens with a bang courtesy of Big and Rich and Cowboy Troy and it only gets better from there…..

Chris, Desmond, Kirk and the Great Coach Lee Corso round out the ESPN Game Day program located on the campus of the ESPN /ABC College Football Game of the Week.

There is no better way to start a College Football Game Day – Period.

During the one hour program you get the college football picks of the day from the group and an occasional “Not So Fast!” from Coach Lee Corso as the “Coach” disagrees over a particular selection.

There is insight into many of the games….
Interviews…
And at the end of the program….

Coach Lee Corso will make his pick on the game of the day by selecting a team’s mascots head gear to wear, often times followed by the singing of the teams fight song or familiar chant.

If you have never seen it, then you don’t know what you are missing.

EDITORS NOTE: And as a side note….
I will have something special for Coach Lee Corso before the start of this season.
So stay tuned….

Best Gatorade Commercial you will never see on Television

Come to think of it…
There may be a very good reason this isn’t on television.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Worst Fan Display of Team Pride: Ohio State Buckeyes

There is a proper time and place to show pride in your respective College or University
The below picture is neither the time nor the place ……

Best Walk-On Story of the Season: Minnesota Golden Gophers

The Golden Gophers have a walk-on to their football program this year.
That in itself isn’t any news….
But this one is different…

He is a Marine….
His name is Curran Delany
If the Coach doesn’t give him a chance to play I am going to be on him like Golden on a Gopher

Creepiest Mascot in Major College Football: Brigham Young Cougars

I think this simple picture says it all….

Dumbest Question from a Division I Coach: Auburn University

At the recent Southeastern Conference Media Days Auburn coach Gene Chizik asked NCAA Enforcement Director Julie Roe Lach in a room full of coaches and media “if the NCAA was finished with the Investigation of Auburn University and Cam Newton”

Ms Julie Roe Lach replied….

“You will know when we are done”

EDITORS NOTE: I think the only thing missing at the end of that statement was…
“Dumbass”

CONTENDERS and PRETENDERS

This time of the year……
College Football teams and their respective fans and alumni are filled with dreams of grandeur
and visions of Championships and Victories won are all the talk of “what could be the year”

But we all know differently, don’t we?

Some have it, and some don’t.

Then there is “fate”
A penalty at the wrong time and place….
A key injury….
And your dreams of an undefeated season and the shot at the Championship….
Are Gone

But we won’t factor fate into this equation, not yet anyway.

Some College Football Teams have a legitimate chance and others don’t.
That’s why you are here, enjoy.

CONTENDERS

OKLAHOMA: The Best Sooners Team in the Coach Bob Stoops era….
They are scary good……

TEXAS CHRISTIAN:The Horned Frogs “should have” played for the National Championship last year and they have a chip on their shoulder this year with something to prove.

WISCONSIN: The Badgers are big and fast and they are from the Land of Cheese Whiz
Enough said…

CLEMSON: All the elements are in place at the Home of Howard’s Rock to make a legitimate run at the ACC Title and with a little luck, the possibilities are endless.

OKLAHOMA STATE: Despite having the most de-motivating entrance in all of college football
“Where has the Prairie Wind Touched You”
The Cowboys have the most all round potent offense in college football.
If they can spell “defense” this year, they have a chance to win it all and ruin the Sooners season.

LSU: The Mighty Bayou Bengals of LSU are stronger and faster than ever and they have the depth to make a serious run at the National Championship if Les Miles can keep his eye on the game clock.

FLORIDA STATE: Coach Fisher has the Seminoles poised to win the ACC Championship..
Their shot at the National Championship will be decided on September 17th when they square off against the Mighty Oklahoma Sooners in Tallahassee.

TEXAS: Don’t count out the Mighty Longhorns just yet…
I have a feeling……….
(That I am pretty sure is not caused from dollar Margarita night and ill prepared Mexican food.)
That the Longhorns will be in the Championship mix before the season is over….

BOISE STATE: The Blue Bronco’s of Boise will have a chance to prove if they are for real when they face the Georgia Bulldogs “between the hedges” on September 3rd.

STANFORD: Despite the fact they don’t play anybody of note and their out of conference schedule is laughable, they are in fact a good football team.

NEBRASKA: The Black Shirts are Back, But in a different Conference…
They will play for the Big Ten (Actually twelve) Conference Championship this year
Believe it

ARKANSAS: The Best Team in the Country that nobody is talking about….

ALABAMA: Because I said so…

PRETENDERS

The Ivy League: Seriously? They still play football there?
I thought they were more into “social change” and “diversity” than athletics.

And as a side note: Their marching bands suck too.

Utah State: I have seen better athletes at a Midget Mud Wrestling event than the Aggies have on their entire football team. And before you ask…
On the advice of my attorney I will not discuss the events of that particular evening in this forum

Rutgers: There is some good news and some bad news here….
The Good news is the Scarlett Knights are the best College Football team in New Jersey…
The Bad news is they are the only college football team in New Jersey

Tulane: Other than having a lousy football team…..
I can’t imagine why the Green Wave made the list.

Duke: Most students at Duke are blissfully unaware that the Blue Devils even have a football program, enough said.

Southern California: If you wonder why the “mighty” Trojans are on this list, then I have two words for you…. “Lane Kiffin”

Notre Dame: There is some good news and some “not” so good news
You are not going to suck as bad as you did last year….
But you will still disappoint a delusional fan base that is under the misguided impression that just because of who you are that you are entitled to be in the Top Ten and play in a top tier Bowl game every single year for eternity.

Michigan: (Wolverines please see “Notre Dame” above)

Oregon: The Quacks are on this list because…
Coach Kelly “pretends” he doesn’t have a disciple problem on the football team.

Miami: With all the rumor and innuendo surrounding the Hurricane Football Program..
And considering all the possibilities and ramifications of the NCAA Investigation….
There is but one thing that comes to mind….
I would like to quote the greatest of all urban philosophers M.C. Hammer…
When he said….
“It’s Hammer Time”

North Carolina: Let’s face it….You’re Screwed

NCAA: The jackbooted Nazi’s of the NCAA made this list because they “pretend” to be a “volunteer organization” that is a 501 C3 that is a “non profit” and “tax exempt” organization.

EDITORS NOTE: How can you make so much damn money (In the Billions and Billions) you can declare yourself a “non profit”? And why don’t they have to pay taxes?

Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS

Atlantic Coast Conference (ACC)
Virginia Tech and Georgia Tech will be in the mix and Clemson has a legitimate shot at the conference crown, but the Seminoles of Florida State will win the ACC Title this year.

Big Ten (actually Twelve)
Nebraska and Wisconsin will meet for the second time at the end of the season to decide the championship of the conference. But I wouldn’t rule out a late run by the Ohio State Buckeyes or Joe Pa’s Nittany Lions.
My guess is the boys from Madison Wisconsin will win it all in the conference this year.

Big 12 (actually Ten)
The Mighty Oklahoma Sooners are looking like a championship team, but Oklahoma State, Texas and the disgruntled Aggies of Texas A&M are closer in the rearview mirror than they may appear.

Big East:
Since The Horned Frogs of Texas Christian won’t “officially” be in the Big East until next season I won’t pick them to win the conference title this year (But they would)
With that being said I am going for a pick that will surprise you.
No, not the Cincinnati Bearkats…
The Louisville Cardinals……
Believe it

MAC
Mac Whack Paddy Whack give a Dog a Bone Conference….
I am going with the University that is known as the “cradle of coaches”
The Miami of Ohio

Conference USA
I wish I could pick my SMU Mustangs to win the conference this year….
But it’s not going to happen
I am going with the Cougars from Houston to take the Crown in Conference USA

PAC 10 (actually Twelve)
Utah and their two Utes “may” be the surprise team in the conference this year with Arizona State, Oregon State and Washington potentially in the mix for the conference title as well.
My Pick: The Stanford Cardinal will win the “whatever the hell they named it” conference championship this year.

Sun Belt Conference
One question for the Sun Belt Conference….
Is the “Sun Belt” like a Bible belt with a flashlight attached to it?
I’m just asking…

The North Texas Mean Green from Denton Texas will win the Bible belt with optional Flashlight Attachment Conference Title this year.

Mountain West
There are two fine teams in this conference, soon to be limited to “one” fine team next year.
I will pick the Mighty Horned Frogs of TCU over the Boise State Broncos to win the Crown.

Western Athletic Conference
The Western Athletic Conference, also known as “the WAC” wait let me stop for a moment.
Whitney Houston said “Crack is WAC”
Does that mean illegal drugs are tolerated in this conference?
I am appalled…
For that reason alone…..
I am picking the Nevada Wolfpack to win the drug induced den of sin Conference title

Independent
Brigham Young will make a bid for the “Independent Title”, but frankly I am still not over how creepy their mascot looked holding that small child. So I will go with…

Anchors Away………..

The Midshipmen of the United States Naval Academy

Southeastern Conference (SEC)
I think the South Carolina Gamecocks will win the SEC Eastern Title (but not by much) and they will have to fight the Tennessee Volunteers, Georgia Bulldogs and the Florida Gators for it.
But remember this…….
“IF” the Gamecocks do win the East they will limp into the Title game in Atlanta with at least three losses, believe it.

The SEC West is going to be a fight….
Mississippi State, Arkansas and Auburn all feel like they have something to prove….
Then there are the LSU Tigers and the Alabama Crimson Tide

My guess is the Alabama Crimson Tide will roll into Atlanta as the winners of the West.

Who will win the SEC Championship?

The Alabama Crimson Tide

Because I said so, that’s why

There is a lot more to come before opening Kickoff…
So stay tuned…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

It’s time to catch up on the latest news from around the College Football World.
I have added a few extra segments for your viewing pleasure as well.

Why? Because I care

Enjoy…

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS

BOISE STATE: The latest news from Boise Idaho “Home of Famous Potatoes” is that the Broncos and their hideous Blue football field are on probation by the NCAA for the following:
“secondary violations, which were initially found by BSU’s compliance staff and self-reported to the NCAA, and stems from 63 incoming players receiving impermissible benefits that totaled just over $4,900. The benefits involved, the school stated in its official response to the NCAA inquiry, “impermissible housing, transportation or meals, where an incoming student-athlete was provided a place to sleep (often on a couch or floor), a car ride or was provided free food by an existing student-athlete.”
The “services” rendered ranged from $2.34 to $417.55.
All $4,934 has been reimbursed by the five dozen or so players involved.

EDITORS NOTES: O’ MY GOD! Almost $4,934 between 63 athletes!
That comes to OVER $78.00 PER athlete!
I recommend they all be taken out and shot at sunset by the NCAA that will send a message!

AUBURN: Accused Toomer Tree poisoner Harvey Updike will now be charged with 6 additional Federal charges to go along with the litany of state and local charges awaiting him for poisoning the beloved trees on Toomer’s Corner.
I know this is quite the “hot button” issue for Auburn fans.
So let me be sure I have this right.
You can kill a child or a baby in Auburn or even a college student and there isn’t any uproar or Federal Charges or cries of “Hang Him High!” But the same trees that were adorned with Toilet paper after Barak Obama’s 2008 election get poisoned and there are Federal Charges?

EDITORS NOTE: The sad part about all this is…..
I’m right

AUBURN PART II: Part of the brain trust of last year’s national championship Tiger’s team also known as the “Dumbass Four” have been indicted this past week by a Lee County Alabama Grand Jury for armed robbery.
The four Auburn players Antonio Goodwin, Shaun Kitchens, Mike McNeil and Dakota Mosley are due to be arraigned in Circuit Court on May 26th. All four players were immediately dismissed from the team by Coach Gene Chizik after Auburn Trustee Bobby Lowder called Coach Chizik and told him to dismiss them all from the team immediately.

EDITORS NOTE: What? No Federal Charges? Good thing they didn’t poison any trees.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Last week it was reported by the Los Angeles Times that Southern California Trojan Coach Lane Kiffin had his head removed from his posterior in a lengthy surgical procedure performed at Mount Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles.

Unfortunately the above story is incorrect.

The Doctor’s at Mount Sinai….
Removed a shoe from Coach Kiffin’s posterior believed to have belonged to Al Davis.
I hope this cleared up any misunderstanding.

SOUTH CAROLINA: As you may have read Coach Steve “Tough on Crime” Spurrier indefinitely suspended (for the fifth time) Gamecock quarterback Stephen “I ain’t got no drinking problem” Garcia for showing up at a University Life Skills class so drunk he couldn’t hit the ground with his hat.

EDITORS NOTE: Coach Steve if you keep letting these players back on the team after you “indefinitely suspend” them, then I am going to start calling you “Coach Steve Fulmer” and the University of South Carolina: The University of Tennessee at Columbia Campus.

Just so you know.

MICHIGAN: In an effort to rid the campus of bad memories and what has been described as “bad karma” the University of Michigan athletic department has petitioned for the removal of the “Skank-a-saurus” display from the University Anthropology Department.

This display was named for Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” and has remained a cornerstone on the campus since Coach Rich Rod’s arrival to Ann Arbor.

The head of the Anthropology Department Dr. Derek Dingus Ph.D had this to say about the issue: “I understand the athletic departments concerns and we will gladly comply with their wishes. Frankly we didn’t want the damn thing here in the first place. We only named the paleontology display after Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” after the athletic department asked us too. I am glad the whore and her idiot husband left town. She always smelled like a ten dollar hooker that wandered into a Huddle House at six o’clock in the morning.”

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t know how or why you are familiar with that particular smell Doctor, but eloquently and accurately put nonetheless.

OHIO STATE: Let me be sure I have this right…….
So the Head Coach knew his players were violating NCAA rules, right?
The players knew they were violating NCAA rules, right?
And everybody knows the violation of such rules makes them all ineligible, right?
Yet they don’t have to forfeit any wins?
Not even the Sugar Bowl Trophy or a share of the Big Ten Title?

EDITORS NOTE:I have NO idea why I think the NCAA enforcement committee is prejudice against the South.
Must just be my overactive imagination, you think?

NCAA: Recently a “mock” infractions and appeals board was held for the benefit of the new NCAA President Mark Emmert. After the daylong meeting, meant to explain the NCAA process of infractions, investigations and the appeals process to the new president, the president of the NCAA had this to say at the end of the conference.
“The process is so complicated and has so many layers; it was too confusing to understand”

EDITORS NOTE: Let me simplify this for you Mr President.
If you are a College that resides in the South, Southwest or to a lesser degree the Midwest, then you are automatically guilty. Those teams residing above the Ohio River or west of the Rocky Mountains are presumed innocent. Please see Ohio State above for a ready point of reference.

*Noted exceptions to the above rule governing the South are those individuals who can pay and or bargain their way out of an investigation i.e. Roy Kramer, Bobby Lowder and John “Thunder” Thornton and Fat Phil Fulmer.

MINNESOTA: With all the stories about college athletes selling memorabilia and autographs for tattoos and other athletes getting “indefinitely suspended” only to be brought back to the team time and time again, it’s refreshing to know there are other athletes out there who are working hard just to get an opportunity to play college football.

One such walk-on athlete is doing just that for the Golden Gophers this year.
His name is Curran Delany and he is a Marine.
I hope new Gopher Head Coach Jerry Kill will give Curran an opportunity to play.
He damn sure earned it.

RUTGERS: Breaking News!
The Scarlett Knight football program still isn’t important.

INDIANA: Please see the above message and substitute Hoosiers for Scarlett Knights.

THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE DEPARTMENT (DOJ): Although I view this term as an oxymoron in this particular instance I find myself coming to their defense.
Recently the Department of Justice (No Pun intended) held a hearing with the NCAA to determine “why there isn’t a college football playoff for Division I schools”.

Clearly the news media outlets have done a great injustice to the Department of Justice (No Pun intended). What do I mean by that statement?

The news outlets continue to report of crime and threats of terrorism (Can we still use that word anymore? Sorry), revolution and world turmoil and I am suppose to believe that with the world spinning off its axis the only thing the Department of Justice (No Pun intended) is interested in is a damn college football playoff?

Say it isn’t so?

After all that isn’t even their job, right?

I thought they were supposed to be catching “bad guys”.

So surely the news media outlets have to be wrong, right?

Because there already is a playoff system for Division I College Football, it’s called the regular season. The Oregon Ducks are traveling to Death Valley to take on the Mighty LSU Tigers to start the season. After The Oklahoma Sooners destroy Tulsa they are playing Florida State and after the Ohio State Buckeyes finish their “Beat every small college in Ohio” Tour they will eventually square off against the Hurricanes of Miami.
The season is supposed to be about playing out of conference opponents of substance and then winning your conference. Not playing a college known more for taxidermy than for offensive linemen and counting that as a “Big Win”.

So either the news media outlets are all wrong (Which is entirely possible) or we have a bunch of gibbering idiots running the Department of Justice (Which is also entirely possible).

In retrospect I would say it’s a tossup.

STATUES and LEGENDS

Much has been made by the national sports media of the statues of college football legends being erected on campus’s in the South. Let me make this real simple so maybe (just maybe) even the folks at Sports Illustrated will understand it.

At the University of Florida the bronze likenesses of Steve Spurrier, Danny Wuerffel and Tim Tebow will always be Legends of the Fall and there isn’t anything or anyone can say to change that. The memories of their accomplishments on and off the field will last for generations.

In Austin Texas there is only one Earl Christian Campbell and a bronze likeness of him is in Darrell Royal Memorial Stadium. No one will forget Earl, not now, not ever.

In Tallahassee a bronze statue of Seminole Coach Bobby Bowen stands outside the stadium pointing to the end zone, the retirement home or the restrooms, no one is quite sure.
But to Florida State fans everywhere there will always be love and admiration for Saint Bobby.

At the University of Alabama all of the Head Football Coaches who have coached one of the Thirteen National Championship teams are represented near the stadium with a statue. The latest addition is Coach Nick Saban who coached the 2009 National Championship team.
The players, the coaches, and the victories from those championships will be remembered forever.

On the campus of Auburn University the three Tiger Heisman trophy winners are all represented with newly erected statues outside Jordan-Hare Stadium. There is the great quarterback Pat Sullivan and the one and only Bo Jackson as well as a statue of recent Heisman trophy winner Cam Newton. However fans may see a difference in how these particular statues are configured. While the bronze statues of Pat Sullivan and Bo Jackson are bolted into the concrete foundation, the statue of Cam Newton is on wheels; at least until the NCAA investigation is completed.

CONFERENCE REALIGNMENTS PART I

My friends I understand and I feel your pain.
Conference Realignments are confusing and oftentimes disturbing.
Over the next several weeks up until the opening kickoff of the 2011 Season I will attempt to provide you (My Loyal readers) some insight and logic into this process.

THE BIG TEN?

Let us first take a look at what was the “Big Ten” with twelve teams……
There are more than ten teams in the “Big Ten” yet they still call themselves the “Big Ten”.

EDITORS NOTE: Please don’t be surprised if the lack of simple math skills displayed by the “Big Ten” conference administration doesn’t permeate throughout the various student bodies rendering our future leaders the inability to perform even the simplest additions and deductions.

This may explain where our current Government leaders came from.

The “Big Ten” then took another step……
Rather than naming their respective divisions within the conference “East or West” or “North or South”, which makes perfect sense, they decided to confuse the issue further by naming their divisions “Legends and Leaders”.

EDITORS NOTES: If your “Gay-Dar” went off when you read that you aren’t alone…..

“Legends and Leaders”, What the Hell does that mean?

How about Liars and Losers? That would have been more accurate, don’t you think?

In coming weeks we will discuss how Colorado is on the Pacific and Forth Worth Texas is really in the Big East. Confusing? You bet it is!
That is why I hope to have Rand McNally as a guest on the program to help break this all down for you, geographically speaking.

COACH’S CORNER

Coach’s Speak: College football coaches speak a different language that is oftentimes difficult to understand, particularly if you are not use to hearing it.
No need to worry, that’s why I am here.

In this brief segment I will interpret what Coach’s say and what they mean.

When a College Football Coach Says: “It is taking him a while to learn the system”

The Coach means: “That boy is dumber than a sack of horse turds”

When a College Football Coach Says: “We have the highest graduation rate in the conference”

The Coach means: “My ass is getting ready to be fired”

When a College Football Coach Says: “We do not have a disciple problem on this football team”

The Coach means: “I have one Hell of a disciple problem on this football team”

Where are they now?

For those Loyal Michigan Wolverine Fans who are missing good ole Coach Rich Rod, I want to assure you that he is doing just fine. Currently he is playing with his Hasbro Electric Football Game in his Mom’s basement and designing various plays while awaiting a call from what he described as “a big time school”. Good Luck Coach! And as a side note, I hope those hair plugs have finally blended in.

His wife “Rita Rod” and one time Ambassador for the University of Michigan Wolverines is scheduled to appear on the latest installment from VH1 entitled “Bret Michaels and the Rock of Skanks III”

VIDEO VAULT

I often read commentaries from “sports writers” on how passionate college football fans are in the South and specifically the Southeastern Conference Fans. They will occasionally make fun of our traditions and even our fans. While most of them have never attended a game outside of Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, yet they come off as “experts” in all things related to the South.

Now I will be the first to tell you that I have had a couple of closer encounters of the third kind in Neyland Stadium and I have had my issues with some fans and students within the Southeastern Conference but I have rarely (if ever) seen such “Sportsmanship” exhibited from fans of a second tier school in a third tier conference.

Watch at your own risk (or as much as you dare) and stay Classy Tucson……

Click here to view the embedded video.

EDITORS NOTE: As a safety tip for those fans that conduct yourselves in this manner…..
IF you act like this in Death Valley on a Saturday night, you just might find yourself in pot of Gumbo….

New Programs on A&E Fall of 2011

It’s time for a shameless plug for my favorite network….
There will be a plethora of new programs coming your way this fall on the A&E Network, other than my personal favorite “Dog the Bounty Hunter” (I love those guys)

“Columbus Ink” follows the hilarious high jinks of some fictional athletes in Columbus Ohio who sell autographs and various personal athletic memorabilia for a variety of tattoos and piercings all in an effort to look cool and hip. Managing all the while to stay one step ahead of the “Investigators”!

The NCAA calls the new program” witty and engaging” and “laugh out loud funny”.

In fact the new program has generated so much buzz and excitement there is already a “spin-off” program being developed. It’s rumored to be entitled “Liar Liar Pants on Fire” and this program follows the miss-steps and misadventures of the kooky fictional coach of the athletes in Columbus Ink.

He dresses like a librarian with little round glasses and even with his innocent looks he is constantly running around telling “little white lies” trying to keep his players out of trouble and keeping their kooky shenanigans away from the “Investigators”.
His catch phrase is (while shaking his index finger in the air)……
“You GUYS! What am I going to do with you?”

The Columbus Dispatch calls the rumored program “embarrassingly funny!”

EDITORS NOTE: The original movie produced by A&E “Take the Money and Run: The Cam Newton Story” will be seen later in the fall lineup, as they are awaiting the final report on the NCAA Investigation to provide what the network calls “a tragic ending”.

There will be much more in the coming weeks to include…..

An Exclusive Interview with last season’s Heisman Trophy winner and Carolina Panthers Number One Draft Pick Cam Newton.

Email Questions and Answers

Hootie Snitch gives his predictions on this season

You College Football Preseason Extravaganza
And Much More….
So Stay Tuned….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

There is some recent news from the NCAA “defending” their decisions concerning Cam Newton of Auburn and the players with Ohio State University that are to be punished next year for this year’s offenses.

I know the legal speak can be difficult to understand.
That’s why you have your Favorite College Football Prognosticator….

I will guide you through what they are saying….

Enjoy and Happy New Year

By The Associated Press

The NCAA defended its recent rulings in violations cases involving Ohio State and Auburn, saying it does not play favorites or make decisions based on financial considerations.

EDITORS NOTES: Before I explain the NCAA statement, I have on good authority the entire message was delivered by the NCAA in a lead proof bunker, as they were concerned with such blatant lies that the entire staff could be struck at anytime by lightning.

“Doesn’t play favorites”? Seriously? Then explain the Reggie Bush investigation?
If they don’t make decisions based on “Financial Considerations”, then why does the Harvard School of Business rate the NCAA as the Number One monopoly in this country ahead of Microsoft?
It’s because it’s ALL about the money.

How much money does the NCAA make with EA Sports alone on the player’s likeness for video games, yet doesn’t feel obligated to share any of the revenues with the players themselves.

In fact they make so many billions (yes, I said Billions) of dollars the NCAA cannot produce a financial report of any note detailing where and how much revenue they accumulate

The NCAA Statement continues…

The NCAA posted a statement on its website Wednesday responding to critics. It says “the notion that the NCAA is selective with its eligibility decisions and rules enforcement is another myth with no basis in fact.

EDITORS NOTES: Myth? So we are supposed to believe the NCAA isn’t selective in their enforcements? Really?

Well here are a few facts for you Jackass……

Not that long ago…..
Florida State University was forced to forfeit games and relinquish scholarships because of an academic scandal, yet these same offenses were committed by other programs and they didn’t receive any punishment near as harsh as the one leveled against the Seminoles.

The North Carolina Tar Heels had a number of players ruled in eligible prior to the opening game of the season for offenses they committed prior to the season. Other teams were forced to do the same by the NCAA, yet offenses “did” take place this year by the Ohio State Buckeyes and they are allowed to play in “this” years bowl game.

The University of Alabama was placed on probation by the NCAA and threatened with the “Death Penalty” over the Albert Means Investigation. Yet, even in Federal Court, there was no evidence to support that any money was exchanged or any offense had taken place. The NCAA found Alabama guilty even as they said “You have done everything right and dotted all the “I’s” and crossed all the “T’s”, and there is nothing more you (Alabama) as an institution could have done. We are still finding you guilty.”

Then we have…..

The Reggie Bush investigation…..
It took you dumbasses at the NCAA FIVE years to find Reggie’s Momma’s house?

Then there was Southern Cal Trojan Dwayne Jarrett….
Who the NCAA said “he didn’t know he had to pay $4500.00 month in rent for his apartment”

The Right Reverend Cecil Newton lied about trying to sell Cam Newton’s services to Mississippi State and we are to believe he didn’t sell his services elsewhere?

I think I have made my point….

Yeah, I would say they are pretty damn selective with eligibility decisions and rules enforcement and that is no myth.

The NCAA Statement continues…

“Money is not a motivator or factor as to why one school would get a particular decision versus another. Any insinuation that revenue from bowl games in particular would influence NCAA decisions is absurd, because schools and conferences receive that revenue, not the NCAA.”

EDITORS NOTES: Hey Pinocchio, you really expect us to believe money isn’t a motivating factor for the NCAA? The NCAA gets a cut off every T-shirt, hat, football game, television revenue, bowl game and video game. I honestly don’t know which is more insulting….
When the NCAA says “money isn’t a motivating factor” or when they say “We care about the student athlete’s education”

The NCAA Statement continues…

Last week, the NCAA suspended five Ohio State players for five games next season for selling their championship rings, trophies and other memorabilia items, but is allowing them to play in the upcoming Sugar Bowl.
Before the NCAA handed down its penalties, Ohio State officials informed Sugar Bowl organizers that the school was lobbying for the players to be eligible for the Jan. 4 game.
Sugar Bowl executive director Paul Hoolahan told The Columbus Dispatch that he encouraged Ohio State officials to push for the players to be allowed to play against Arkansas.
“I made the point that anything that could be done to preserve the integrity of this year’s game, we would greatly appreciate it,” Hoolahan was quoted was saying in Wednesday’s editions of the newspaper. “That appeal did not fall on deaf ears, and I’m extremely excited about it, that the Buckeyes are coming in at full strength and with no dilution.”

EDITORS NOTES: Integrity? Anytime one of these talking heads starts talking about “Integrity” it’s like asking a prostitute about virginity.

The NCAA Statement continues…

Arkansas athletic director Jeff Long told the AP he had no problem with Hoolahan looking out for the Sugar Bowl.
“He’s the leader of the Sugar Bowl and probably needs to do that,” Long said. “I also don’t think that his lobbying, so to speak, would carry a whole lot of weight with the NCAA when they make their decisions. I don’t mean that with any disrespect to Paul Hoolahan, but I would be surprised if the NCAA took that into consideration when making their decision.”

Last month, the NCAA did not punish Auburn quarterback Cam Newton, even though it ruled his father had solicited money from Mississippi State while that school was recruiting his son.

EDITORS NOTES: You aren’t interested in my opinion here on the Cam Newton “situation” and the NCAA already stated earlier and I quote:

“The NCAA posted a statement on its website Wednesday responding to critics. It says “the notion that the NCAA is selective with its eligibility decisions and rules enforcement is another myth with no basis in fact.”

So let’s go to the rule book shall we, and it states:

“If at any time before or after matriculation in a member institution a student-athlete or any member of his/her family receives or agrees to receive, directly or indirectly, any aid or assistance beyond or in addition to that permitted by the Bylaws of this Conference (except such aid or assistance as such student-athlete may receive from those persons on whom the student is naturally or legally dependent for support), such student-athlete shall be ineligible for competition in any intercollegiate sport within the Conference for the remainder of his/her college career.”

Need I say more?

The NCAA Statement continues…

In the Ohio State case, the NCAA said players — including quarterback Terrelle Pryor and three other starters — had been inadequately educated about the rules and that was a mitigating factor in the case. The NCAA reiterated that point in its statement Wednesday.

EDITORS NOTES: Inadequately educated? Aren’t these boys in college?
Or do they mean like when Southern Cal Trojan Dwayne Jarrett didn’t know he had to pay rent?

It also said bowl games, the postseason and NCAA championships are evaluated differently when determining a student-athletes’ punishment.

EDITORS NOTES: Didn’t the NCAA just contradict their earlier statement on consistency?
Yes, yes they most certainly did………..

The NCAA Statement continues…

“This policy was developed and implemented by the Division I membership, specifically the Division I Committee on Student-Athlete Reinstatement and approved by the Division I Academics/Eligibility/Compliance Cabinet, in 2004,” the statement said.
In the Newton case, the Heisman Trophy winner was allowed to continue playing because there was no evidence that he or Auburn knew about Cecil Newton’s attempts to get Mississippi State to pay $180,000 for his son’s commitment out of junior college.
The NCAA said Wednesday that efforts are being made to strengthen rules “when benefits or money are solicited (but not received).”

EDITORS NOTES: “No Evidence”?
Where does the NCAA get their “investigators” from, Aruba?

“Put simply, had Cam Newton’s father or a third party actually received money or benefits for his recruitment, Cam Newton would have been declared ineligible regardless of his lack of knowledge,” the NCAA said.

EDITORS NOTES: Really, but the rule clearly states……

“If at any time before or after matriculation in a member institution a student-athlete or any member of his/her family receives or agrees to receive, directly or indirectly, any aid or assistance beyond or in addition to that permitted by the Bylaws of this Conference (except such aid or assistance as such student-athlete may receive from those persons on whom the student is naturally or legally dependent for support), such student-athlete shall be ineligible for competition in any intercollegiate sport within the Conference for the remainder of his/her college career.”

EDITORS NOTE: Enough said…..

Auburn, Alabama

And if you are wondering how Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton spent the Holiday’s
(I know I am…)
Here you go…..

Newton served food to homeless for Christmas

AUBURN, Ala. — Heisman Trophy winner Cam Newton spent part of Christmas Day dishing out green beans. Or “Santa beans” as he called them. Cam went on to say….
“See, I call them Santa beans cause it’s like you know, Santa’s Birf-day or something.”

The Auburn quarterback said Wednesday he spent about two hours at Turner Field in Atlanta serving homeless people for Hosea Feed the Hungry, a nonprofit organization affiliated with the Martin Luther King Jr. People’s Church of Love.

Newton says he posed for some pictures but for the most part “had to step outside of Cam Newton the athlete and step into Cam Newton the human being and the person that is very caring, you know cause most of de time I care about me, you know not other peoples. Also I like talking bout me in da third person, it make me sound smart.”

He says it was an “eye-opener” and something he wants to do again soon.
Newton says the trip home to Atlanta was nice after a whirlwind when he won the Heisman and the Davey O’Brien and Maxwell awards.

He says his family won’t let all that get to him or as the Auburn Quarterback stated….
“They won’t let it get to me cause they be taken some of it for themselves”

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I bring you extremely disturbing breaking college football news from Atlanta….

Reader discretion is advised….

Atlanta Georgia…….

This Sunday morning following the Southeastern Conference Championship game…..
Atlanta police were called to a Motel 6 in downtown Atlanta after numerous reports of screaming, crying and loud music were coming from one of the rooms.

Once the police arrived…
They found CBS college football commentator Vern Lundquist banging on a motel room door wearing in what was reported as….

Ass-less leather chaps and a gimp mask, screaming for more “Cammy Cam Juice”

Once the police entered the motel room they found what was later described as…
“A peak into Dante’s Inferno”

It was further reported that fellow CBS college football commentator Gary Danielson
Was found handcuffed to one of the motel room beds with a ball gag in his mouth, wearing only a “I (Heart) Can Newton” t-shirt and War Eagle thong.
Once the police removed the restraints, Gary was said to have been babbling…

“Cam Newton is BETTER than Vince Young, Steve Young and the entire cast and crew of the Young and the Restless, I want to have his children!”

To make matters even more disturbing….
CBS College football sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson….
Was said to have been passed out on the toilet due to an overdose of “Cammy Cam juice”
holding a mislabeled Gatorade bottle wearing a “homemade” Auburn Cheerleaders uniform.

Although Auburn quarterback Cam Newton was reported by the Atlanta police, to have been in the motel room for the reported “Love Feast”…
The NCAA and Auburn trustee Bobby Lowder “ruled that Cam Newton wasn’t there” and “his eligibility isn’t in question”

No arrest were made and….
CBS Sports has no comment on the “supposed” Cam Newton Love Feast…
But paramedics who responded to the incident….
Did report that Vern Lundquist is said to be pregnant with Cam Newton’s first child.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Many of you have been kind enough to write “What Happened to Last Weeks Picks?”

I was going to write that I had the unfortunate experience of listening to a replay of a conversation between ESPN “commentator” Pam Ward and “commentator” Beth Mowins and the combination of the their two voices gave me an aneurism.

But that wouldn’t be true.

We all know that combination would make your head pop off your shoulders.

The fact is….

I wanted to make time stop…..
Just for a day….
In Honor of the Steel Magnolia

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Now you might not believe this….
But Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator Picked every game correct last week..
You don’t believe it?
Have no fear “those numbers” won’t be included in the overall tally…
But thus far we are 249 and 44 or a rather substandard 85% for the Season.

But have no fear College Football Fans….
In an effort to break this drought, I am bring in my “not-so” secret weapon

One of Opp Alabama’s Favorite Sons….
The Fishing Philosopher of Barker’s Pond…..
Mister Rufus Johnson…..

Or as he is fond of saying to me….
“Take a seat young blood….
I’m going to drop some knowledge on yo damn ass…”

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“Football is lot like life, it’s full of trick plays and sometimes you get burned on a long one you should have seen coming, but what you got to do is put that play behind you; because you ain’t getting it back. Tighten that chin strap and show them what you are made of; now get yo damn ass back in the game and hit somebody.”

EDITORS NOTE: Well said my friend…
Next week Rufus will discuss his fishing trip with God….
No, I’m serious; he said he really went fishing with the Boss and I’m not talking about Bruce Springsteen

THE PICKS

Thursday October 6th

Nebraska at Kansas State
I have seen all the movies…..
I know what the Children of the Corn are capable of in Farm country…
It’s Frightening…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 33-17

Delta State at Arkansas Monticello
This titanic Battle between the Fighting Okra and the Bo Weevils…..
Well it may not be a “titanic” battle….
But the mascots are awesome and that’s good enough for me…
FRIED OKRA (My personal favorite) 24-17

Friday October 7th

Connecticut at Rutgers
I got this pick from my “adopted” family in Atlantic City…
Now I know what you are thinking…
But just because they are Italian-Americans
Does not mean they are involved in any way with organized crime…
And as a side note….
They asked for the addresses of my “negative” emails….
They said they wanted to “talk” to them…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 31-27

Oklahoma State at Louisiana Lafayette
U La La is in for a rough ride in Stillwater…..
And by that I mean they are going to get an Ass Whipping of Biblical Proportions
COWBOY UP 38-10

Saturday October 8th

Indiana at Ohio State
The Hoosiers get Hammered in the Horseshoe
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: I’m not sure….
But I think if I could have managed three other words beginning with “H” in that sentence I would have set some kind of personal record.

Central Michigan at Virginia Tech
This game features Native Americans and Turkeys….
I wasn’t aware we were that close to Thanksgiving?
HOKEY POKEY 33-28

Boston College at North Carolina State
I don’t know if you heard that sound?
It’s me jumping on the Pack of Wolves Bandwagon….
WOLFPACK 28-17

Syracuse at South Florida
Otto the Orange should feel right at home in Florida….
That is until the Bulls squeeze the pulp out of him
NO BULL 34-14

Illinois at Penn State
The Fighting Pumpkins get smashed in Happy Valley…
Film at Eleven
JO PA’S LIONS 28-17

Minnesota at Wisconsin
This rivalry in the Big Twelve, or Eleven…I Mean Ten
Is played each year for the coveted “Paul Bunyan’s Axe and a Slab of Bacon”
Little known fact….
They added the “bacon” element to the trophy a few years ago to ward off Islamic terrorist; the tactic appears to be successful.
BADGERS 38-21

Baylor at Texas Tech
The folks from Waco have one of the finest medical schools in the country.
Yeah that’s about all I have to say about the Baylor Bears…
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 33-21

Juniata at Muhlenberg
This Trailer Park Tussle features…
Juanita, or “J-Lo” as she prefers to be called…
Against….
The Mule Faced German girl….
That German girl has a face only a bulldog could love..
And she looks like she could bench press a Buick….
That’s good enough for me.
MULE GIRL 28-17

Tennessee at Georgia
I have a philosophical question before I make this pick between the hedges…
If the Coaches and Players at the University of Tennessee can’t count to “11”
Then how hard is it to get a math degree from there?
I’m just asking…
SIC EM DAWGS 28-24

Memphis at Louisville
I will make this one simple….
Charlie’s Cardinals are Stronger than the Velvet Elvis’s…
STRONGER CARDINALS 34-14

Chattanooga at Citadel
If you are in Chuck-Town this weekend, don’t miss this game
It’s going to be a shoot out
Believe it
MIGHTY MOCS 38-34

Bowling Green at Ohio
This Battle of the Buckeye State is played for the “Dirty Sock Monkey Trophy”
Why I have no idea…
BOWLING FOR FALCONS 33-31

Colorado State at Air Force
This Rocky Mountain Rivalry is played for the Ram Falcon Trophy
And it is my understanding that it will stay in Colorado Springs
Until Colorado becomes Ocean front property
MIGHTY FALCONS 38-14

Elon at Appalachian State
That poor little Cuban boy…..
This game could easily constitute child abuse…
MOUNTAINEERS 38-17

Idaho State at Montana
the Grizzlies are for real and Idaho is famous for their potatoes…
There’s your difference
GRIZZZZZZ 34-10

Wyoming at Texas Christian
This game is going to be uglier than…..
“Take Your Pig to the Prom” night in Baneberry Tennessee
HORNED FROGS 44-10

Pittsburgh at Notre Dame
This ancient college football rivalry is played for the coveted “Shillelagh of Shame”
This sounds like something you really “don’t” want to win
If you know what I mean…
FIGHTING IRISH 28-24

Akron at Kent State
Since 1946 this game between the “Zippers” and the “Golden Flashes”…
Is played for the coveted “Wagon Wheel” Trophy….
Golden Flashes and Zippers?
That sounds like something nasty is going on at the nursing home
ZIPPERS 24-17

Virginia at Georgia Tech
The Rambling Wreck is going to be on the Cavaliers faster than Bill Clinton on an Intern.
YELLOW JACKETS 38-10

UNLV at West Virginia
Vegas comes to Morgantown West “By God” Virginia
Talk about your culture shock…
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-10

Arkansas at Texas A&M
This game should be called the Schizophrenic Bowl
Because we have no idea which team is going to show up…
HAWGS 31-24

North Alabama at North Georgia
There are far too many references to “North” for me in this game…
MIGHTY LIONS 38-24

Army at Tulane
The Black Knights of the Hudson better calm the Green Wave….
Or there will be a “Change of Command”….
BLACK KNIGHTS 24-17

Michigan State at Michigan
As you all know this game is played for the “Paul Bunyan Ax”
Which most Wolverine Alumni would like to plant in Coach Rod’s head.
WOLVERINES 33-31

Clemson at North Carolina
Both teams are struggling to hang on to the football….
Don’t be surprised if this isn’t a “Fumble Fest”
DABO’S TIGERS 28-24

Oregon at Washington State
The Bulldogs of Sweeny Texas could beat Washington State….
And that’s a fact…
QUACKERS 142-0

WofFord at Georgia Southern
Chewbacca gets the Statesboro Blues….
I love that Album…
EAGLES 33-17

San Diego State at Brigham Young
Just so you all know….
When I use the term “Ancient” as in Ancient Aztecs…
I am not in any way referring to Bobby Bowden…
COUGARS 44-10

Wingate at Carson Newman
Wingate? That sounds like the name of some smart ass rich kid….
I hope he gets his ass whipped…
SPARKS EAGLES 33-21

Navy at Wake Forest
It is my understanding that Jimmy Swaggart will act as the Demon Deacon mascot for this game
I wonder if you could go on a crying jag while he makes balloon animals.
I think the kids would love it
MIGHTY MIDSHIPMEN 31-24

Utah at Iowa State
Two Utes in a Cyclone?
Wasn’t that a Disney movie?
TWO UTES 38-17

Miami (OH) at Cincinnati
This instate war on I-75 will go to the Boys from Chili Town
BEARKATS 33-17

Eastern Michigan at Vanderbilt
A Commodore out ranks anyone with an Eagle…
Those are the rules…
DORES 28-14

Colorado at Missouri
MO knows how to tame a Buffalo….
And just for the record…
Curly is my favorite of the Three Stooges
MO’S TIGERS 33-17

James Madison at Towson
The Number Three Dukes take on the Towson Cookie factory…
They better watch out, I hear those elves are tricky
DUKES 38-17

Occidental at La Verne
I wonder if La Verne is Occidental prone?
Sometimes I wonder too much…
OXY MORON 21-17

East Carolina at Southern Miss
I wish I was in Hattiesburg right now….
I can almost smell the BBQ smoking from here
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-28

Purdue at Northwestern
I wish I cared, but I don’t
WILDCATS 28-14

Auburn at Kentucky
The Wildcats will keep this really close until right after the Fly Over…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 38-17

Southern California at Stanford
Unfortunately this game comes on at the same time…
as the Amish Butter Churning Championships or I would watch it….
I think Ishmael could win it all this year
CARDINAL 34-24

Tulsa at Southern Methodist
Two Words for you….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-17

Toledo at Boise State
Another “tough” out of conference opponent for the Smurf Turf Bunch…
And in case you were wondering…
The Broncos scheduled Toledo
Because the Breaux Bridge Hair and Nail Salon Academy is busy preparing for Notre Dame next week
BRONCOS 167-3

Florida State at Miami
This instate battle in the Sunshine State won’t seem the same without Coach Bobby wandering helplessly on the sidelines with his Vietcong hat and his pants with the forty inch zipper.
Ah Good Times…
NOLES 33-28

Mississippi State at Houston
This Pick is for my beloved Bulldog faithful…
Miss Melanie, Larry and their beautiful girls and of course Bulldog Jim
BULLY DOGS 38-21

New Mexico at New Mexico State
This instate battle is known as the Rio Grande Rivalry
And it is played for “The Maloof Trophy”
Which closely resembles a bucket of sand with a cactus stuck in it…
Which is nice
PISTOL PETE 28-24

Rice at UTEP
My Favorite Pudding takes a pounding at the Hands of the Miners
MINERS 34-17

Hawaii at Fresno State
This game is played for the “Golden Screwdriver”
Yes, I’m serious….
Which reminds me….
That Dog the Bounty Hunter can be seen on the A&E network on Wednesday Nights
Check your local listings for times in your area.
BULLDOGS 28-24

San Jose State at Nevada
I would watch this game…..
But the History of Jell-o is going to be on the Food Channel…
Sorry
WOLF PACK 56-0

UCLA at California
I am trying to remember why I am supposed to care about this game?
BRUINS 6-3

Alabama at South Carolina
This will be a fight from opening bell to the final whistle…
Believe it..
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

Arizona State at Washington
There are a lot of questions surrounding this game…
For instance…
Why should we care?
Is there anything on the Food Channel?
What’s that on the carpet?
You get the picture..
HUSKIES 31-27

Oregon State at Arizona
Keep the faith Beaver Jim….
This is going to happen
BEAVERS 24-21

LSU at Florida
The Mighty Gators bounce back and Les Miles gets a Mickey Mouse Watch
I call this a “Win-Win”
MIGHTY GATORS 28-21

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

And I got me a royal case of the red ass….

And I will tell you why….

First off I’m a sitting here in my bar “Scooters” located in Baneberry Tennessee right next to Frank’s Fireworks Stand and before yawl even write me I know the damn sign on my bar is missing the last “S” in Scooter’s. That ole boy that put it together has got himself a prosthetic eye, I heard he lost it in a weed eater accident and he don’t see so good, so that’s why it’s a missing the last “S”.

But I’m here a nursing me a hangover from hell…
Because of the last two damn weeks of Tennessee Volunteer football.

If you don’t know what I mean, then here you go…

Two weeks ago….
The Volunteers got cheated out of a damn game with them Oregon Ducks..
How do I know that?
Let me tell you….

What do Ducks like? “Water” am I right?
You damn right I’m a right on that one!
So the Volunteers was a handling them Ducks pretty good and a winning the game….
Until it started to rain, that’s right I said RAIN…
Well, that is unfair as hell!
Because that was a when them damn Ducks took off!

What they should have done was stopped the game until it quit raining!
Because it ain’t fair to try and catch ducks in the rain and it don’t make good sense neither!
Them damn Pack 10 referees ain’t worth a tinkers damn if you ask me!
So they basically gave the game to the Ducks…..

Then this past Saturday the damn Urban Gators come to town….
We had us about ten chances to win that game, we damn sure did..
And couldn’t do it cause the Gators cheat like hell and the referees are all on their side cause they probably live down in Florida.

On top of all of that I went to both of them games and felt like me and my wife got cheated on our tickets cause…
a whole bunch of Volunteer fans started leaving in the third quarter in both of them games.

So I asked one of them “so called Tennessee fans” during the Florida game,
if they bought a ticket for half the game and they started a cussing a blue streak and having a full blown hissy fit.
So I accused him of being a Gator fan in Vol clothes!
Which I don’t know if it’s true or not but it’s all I could come with at the time.
And you know what?
Me and the Mrs. Thelma Stroderback –Snitch still don’t know if there is a damn ticket for only half the game at Tennessee?

So there you have it…
Now even though I ain’t too happy about right now…
I am still a going to answer some of my fans questions cause I know yawl want to know what’s on Ole Hootie’s mind.

Hootie’s Email Questions

Q: Hootie I got a question for you
I know there all kinds of turf now days in college football…
But which do you like better artificial turf or natural grass?
GO VOLS!
Jimmy – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: I don’t know Jimmy I ain’t never smoked any artificial turf

Q: Hey Hootie!
Hey I noticed the new Tennessee Volunteer helmets have a “T” on the front of the helmet,
when it used to say “Vols”, is there a reason for the change?
Tina – Dunlap, Tennessee

A: As you know Tina, Coach Drooly is trying to put more emphasis on the education for the players,
so they put the “T” on the front because it stands for “Knowledge”.
They say it makes them players smarter…

Q: Hey Hootie! How Bout them Gators!
Randy – Gainesville, Florida

A: Let me tell you something Randy…
You don’t want to go to “Fist City” with me boy!
I can’t even walk around Baneberry with my hands in my pockets
because the Police will arrest me for concealing two deadly weapons, so you better watch your damn mouth!
Smartass Gator…

Q: Hootie –
Now that you have your bar off its wheels and in a permanent location…
what have you been up to other than supporting the Big Orange?
Do you still work at Dollywood?
Roy – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: Thanks for asking Roy, that last email made my red ass flare up…
Well me and the Miss’s are a running “Scooters” and she is still doing her hand modeling for the East Tennessee Tractor Supply and Fertilizer Store and she is still writing some songs and driving a Baneberry school bus.
The Dollywood show I was in “Who Let the Clogs out?” closed up at the end of the summer.
But I got me a “new” audition coming up at Dollywood for the musical “Phantom of the Oprah”

Q: Give it to us straight Hootie!!!!
As a loyal died in the wool, your blood bleeds orange Tennessee Volunteer Fan..
What do you think about our Football Coach?
“The Boy’s” from Big Ed’s Tire and Appliance, Johnson City, Tennessee

A: Well Boys….
I think Coach Drooly is doing fine, for now….
And I know we can’t get Coach Phil Fulmer back,
because he took that job as “The Ambassador of Lard” for the Tennessee Pride Sausage Company.
But like everybody else I have a Dream…..
That one day….
In the not too distant future….
“He” will come home to Coach the Volunteers
I get misty eyed every time I look at this picture…

One last thing…
Don’t yawl dare forget about my Celebrity Golf Tournament coming up on the 16th of October during the Volunteers bye week.
It’s going to be held right here in Baneberry Tennessee and most of the money is going to a worthy cause.
It’s to help my momma with the Hoof and Mouth disease.

See yawl there!

Hootie Out!

Before we get into this week’s selections…..
I would like to “thanks” in no particular order:

The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
The Minnesota O’ so very Golden Gophers
Coach Drooley and the Tennessee Volunteers
Zippy the Akron Kangaroo and the entire football coaching staff at West Point….

For completely screwing up Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator’s weekly average
and sending your fans into fits of rage while dashing for the liquor cabinet.

I hope you’re happy….

But certainly this past week wasn’t all frustration and consternation….
The West Virginia Mountaineers….
Scored 15 points in the final two minutes of the game with Marshall
to win the “The Friends of Coal Bowl” and the Governors Cup.

The Mighty Air Force Falcons carpet bombed the Cougars of BYU…..

And Reggie Bush was forced to return the Heisman Trophy….
No need to thank me for that one folks…..
It’s how I roll……

Enjoy your picks…..

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a disappointing 61 and11 or 85% for the second week of the season.
That leaves us at 133 and 21 or 86% after only two weeks.
Like I said last week….
This is no time to panic; there is a lot of football to be played, so let’s get to the picks

THE PICKS

Thursday September 16th

Cincinnati at North Carolina State
I have a “gut feeling” about this game….
I just hope it’s not gas….
WOLFPACK 28-24

Concordia Selma at Carson Newman
I don’t know about Concordia, but I think I knew her brother Tommy…
That Tommy Selma was tougher than a pine knot….
Which of course has nothing what so ever to do with this pick….
SPARKS EAGLES 33-17

Friday September 17th

Kansas at Southern Miss
Call me crazy if you want too….
It’s nothing I haven’t already heard from mental health professionals
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

California at Nevada
Honestly I would watch this game…..
But the Animal Planet is having a “special” documentary on the Armadillo entitled
“The Armadillo: Natures little tank or possum on the half shell?”
GAYLORD THE BEAR 33-24

Saturday September 18th

Connecticut at Temple
This little known rivalry in the northeast is played for the coveted…
“Hoobastank Trophy”…
Not really, but it’s a fun word to say isn’t it?
HUSKIES 28-24

Muhlenberg at Susquehanna
Now I know what you are thinking….
Can the German girl take Susie after last week’s tussle with Juanita….
I believe she can, I heard she was a former East German shot putter
MULE GIRL 24-17

Northern Illinois at Illinois
The “Fighting Illini” continue their “brutal” out of conference schedule..
By beating the living hell out of junior colleges and technical schools within their own state.
PUMPKINS’ O’ FIGHTING 34-17

Maryland at West Virginia
I would have a lot more faith in the Fighting Terrapins if they had a really cool mascot…
Say like “The Turtle Man” as seen in the video below….
Before you ask…Yes, He is real….
But until Maryland hires him it’s time to light those couches…
MOUNTAINEERS 33-27

Click here to view the embedded video.

Arkansas at Georgia
This game features the “Hawgs and Dawgs”
Reminds me of my favorite German Ice Cream….
DAWGS 20-17

Ohio at Ohio State
Coach Frank’s Bobcats of Ohio will keep this one close…..
Right up until the time the Ohio State Marching Band….
Which of course is “The Best Damn Band in the Land”… “Dots the I”…..
Then it’s all…..
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 41-10

North Texas at Army

EDITORS COMMENTARY:
The Army coaching staff should be thankful we live in the “everybody’s a winner” society, were “trying hard” and “giving a good effort” is as important as winning.
Because if it were up to me; I would have fired everyone of their collective ass’s after last weeks game.
A blind chimpanzee with half a damn banana could motivate a team better than these dumbasses.
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 28-24

Iowa State at Kansas State
This rivalry is known as “Farmageddon”…..
(Yes I’m serious)
It’s like Armageddon, only these use combines and tractors…
WILDCATS 24-10

Georgia Tech at North Carolina
The question this week at the “Varsity”…
(Which is only home to the World’s Greatest Chili Dogs…. )
Can Tech bounce back from the Rambling Wreck in Lawrence Kansas?
No, not this week, is the appropriate answer…
TAR HEELS 24-21

Massachusetts at Michigan
Coach Rod and the Wolverines continue their “tough” out of conference schedule this week
But they had better not be looking ahead…
The Keebler Elves are coming to Ann Arbor next Saturday….
WOLVERINES 44-10

EDITORS NOTE: It has been brought to my attention that I have been “unduly harsh” in my treatment of Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”. So let me say this….
When reporting that Rita attended a “Maze and Blue” alumni fund raiser recently wearing nine inch clear plastic stripper shoes I didn’t mean to imply that she was dressed like an old worn out stripper.
I meant to say, the Maze and Blue fund raiser must have been located near the airport…
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding…

Ball State at Purdue
Didn’t David Letterman go to Ball State?
Yeah, that isn’t going to make any difference here…
BOILERMAKERS 31-17

Juniata at Ursinus
Juanita is still bruised up from her tussle last week with Susquehanna…
And I understand Ursinus has a urinary infection
So I have to go with…
J-LO 28-23

Kent State at Penn State
So the “Golden Flashes” are coming to Jo Pa’s House….
There are SO many things I could say here….
But out of respect for Jo Pa, I won’t….
NITTANY LIONS 38-14

Delta State at Valdosta State
I have always been a fan of the Blazers…
But I am a Fighting Okra man….
I like it fried, boiled and pickled….
But I’m not a big fan of Okra Winfrey
BLAZERS 33-28

Vanderbilt at Ole Miss
The Commodores will keep this one closer than you might think…
A lot closer…
REBELS 24-21

Jacksonville State at Georgia State
I wouldn’t bet against these Roosters if they were playing the Dallas Cowboys
GAMECOCKS 34-17

East Carolina at Virginia Tech
Maybe it’s just me…
But the Hokies don’t seem to have the same fire since they lost their Wangs
HOKIE POKEY 31-24

EDITORS NOTE: Of course I am talking about….
The loss of Ed Wang and his brother from the defensive front of the Hokies;
What did you think I was talking about?

Brigham Young at Florida State
The Cougars will encounter a strange new phenomena in Tallahassee this Saturday
which will be their demise in this game, it’s called…..“Humidity”
JIMBO’S NOLES 34-24

Colorado State at Miami (OH)
Although Miami of Ohio doesn’t have any palm trees….
It is known as the Cradle of Coaches…
That’s good enough for me…
REDHAWKS 23-17

Air Force at Oklahoma
I was very proud of the Falcons for upsetting the Cougars last week…
But I am afraid they are outmatched in this one…
BOOMER SOONERS 43-21

Southern California at Minnesota
The “Not so” Golden Gophers lost last week to a High School team from South Dakota…
Sooooooooooo……..
LAME CHEATERS 6-3

Florida at Tennessee
Not that it’s all that important here, but Peyton Manning never beat the Gators
I just thought it was worth mentioning….
MIGHTY GATORS 24-17

Arizona State at Wisconsin
The Devils of the Sun…..
Cannot stand up to the Power of Processed Cheese Whiz
BADGERS 28-24

Defiance at Hanover
I have a question…
What is “defiance” so angry about?
They should take a tip from Okra Winfrey….
They don’t have to be angry and defiant “all the time”
HANDY HANOVER 23-10

Washington State at Southern Methodist
Coach June’s Ponies will be ready to ride this Saturday in Big D….
Believe it…
And just for the record it’s still Ownby Stadium to me….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-17

North Carolina Central at Appalachian State
The Mountaineers came back from a four touchdown deficit against Chattanooga to win
Make no mistake…
The Mountaineers are for real…
MOUNTAINEERS 38-10

Hawaii at Colorado
The Warriors from the Land of Rainbow Bright…
Would fair a lot better in this game if they had Dog the Bounty Hunter on the sidelines…
BUFFALOS 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the A&E Network on Wednesday nights, check your local listings for times in your area.

Alabama at Duke
The Blue Devils will have a few tricks up their sleeves on Saturday…
But they are still going to get their asses kicked…
CRIMSON TIDE 38-17

Nebraska at Washington
The Huskies have a great history, with a great coaching staff and a fine young quarterback…
In fact I still love the great Coach James….
But the Huskers have the Black Shirts…
Sorry…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 24-17

Troy at UAB
The Men of Troy gave the Oklahoma State Cowboys all they could handle last week…
They are more than up to the task this week in this instate tussle…
MEN OF TROY 33-28

Central Michigan at Eastern Michigan
I have been corrected……
The term “Chippewa’s” does not refer to “Two Utes” in the Native American Language as I erroneously reported last week.
It actually means an ingrown hair. As in….
“If you shave too close you can get a Chippewa on your face”
Hope that cleared up any misunderstanding…
CHIPPEWAS’ 33-31

Southern Arkansas at North Alabama
I respect any team that calls themselves “The Mule Riders”
But this game is in Lion Country….
MIGHTY LIONS 34-20

Baylor at Texas Christian
The Bears might win this game…….
And Richard Simmons might be heterosexual…..
HORNED FROGS 34-17

Indiana at Western Kentucky
The most interesting thing about this game…….
Isn’t that the Big Ten is coming to Bowling Green…
It’s the fact nobody knows what the hell a Hoosier and a Hilltopper actually is…
HOOSIERS 24-17

Northwestern Oklahoma State at South Dakota
If the Boys from Dakota could knock off a Big Ten team last week….
Then should be able to handle this Tire Alignment Academy from Oklahoma
COYOTES 34-17

Louisville at Oregon State
Much like Ward Cleaver…..
I am all about the Beaver in this one…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: In an effort to keep this a “family friendly” column…
I want the readers to take note that I did not in any way reference either Rosie O’Donnell or Lindsay Lohan in the above pick.
No need to thank me…

Eastern Kentucky at Chattanooga
The Colonels aren’t over their thrashing last week by Coach Strong’s Cardinals
and the Boys from Choo Choo Town are primed and ready….
Also, Chattanooga is the home of the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum, Wall of Remembrance and Gift Shop…..
So there is that….
MIGHTY MOCS 33-24

Duquesne at Delaware
Little known fact….
If you say “Duquesne” after you drank a glass of Buttermilk…
Something gross will fly out of your mouth…
BLUE HENS 28-17

Georgia Southern at Coastal Carolina
I have no idea why the folks from Coastal Carolina….
Decided to name their team the “Chanticleers” ….
But I am pretty sure you need a shot of penicillin to clear it up…..
EAGLES 28-17

Portland State at Oregon
Unfortunately this game conflicts with the VH1 “Behind the Music” Special…..
The Music and Life of Screech from Saved by the Bell….
Set your recorders now….
QUACKERS 63-0

Akron at Kentucky
I have a philosophical question….
Since Akron is known as the “Zippers”…
Is it possible there is a team out there called the “Velcro’s”?
I’m just wondering…
WILDCATS 34-10

Navy at Louisiana Tech
Lately, the Bulldogs of Tech are playing more like the Taco Bell dog..
MIDSHIPMEN 28-21

Middle Tennessee State at Memphis
The Velvet Elvis’s better bring their best game…..
I believe the Blue Raiders are motivated…
BLUE RAIDERS 24-17

Northwestern at Rice
This game will feature some of the highest SAT scores in all of college football…
Yeah, it’s that exciting…
WILDCATS 34-17

Mississippi State at LSU
Nothing says “FIGHT” quite like a game between the “Cats and the Dogs”
This one belongs to Mike….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-17

Marshall at Bowling Green
Last week Doc Holiday and the Thundering Herd…
Were two minutes away from beating the Mountaineers of West Virginia….
They won’t need those two minutes this week…
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-17

Tulsa at Oklahoma State
I don’t want to think about the “Prairie Wind” touching a Golden Hurricane..
It makes me feel icky…
COWBOY UP! 38-17

Florida International at Texas A&M
I don’t know how “International” the boys from Florida are…..
Unless their school is close to Epcot Center, then I guess that counts for something…
Right?
GIG EM AGGIES 43-10

Central Florida at Buffalo
I know, I know…..
It seems like every time I pick the boys from Disney they lose…
The curse is broken this weekend…
Or I am burning down “It’s a Small World”…..
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 33-28

EDITORS NOTE: If that song is stuck in your head, I apologize….
It hurts me too….

Toledo at Western Michigan
The Rockets don’t have enough fire to be called roman candles, much less rockets…
BRONCOS 28-10

Clemson at Auburn
I wish I had better news for my adopted Clemson family….
But I don’t….
WAR DAMN EAGLE 24-17

Presbyterian at Citadel
I just hope the moral fiber of the cadets from the Military College of South Carolina isn’t tainted by the arrival of bus loads of Blue Ho’s coming to campus.
BULLDOGS 28-17

Furman at South Carolina
If Chewbacca made enough money to have his own college…
Then why call it Furry man? Why not just call it Chewbacca U?
Never mind…
GAMECOCKS 38-10

San Diego State at Missouri
There is a very good reason why the Aztec’s disappeared from civilization…
They played with Tigers….
MO’S TIGERS 44-10

Montana at Eastern Washington
The Grizzles are on a mission after losing in the finals last year…..
Believe it….
GRIZZ 33-10

Maine at Syracuse
If this was a “Who has the ugliest Cheerleaders” contest…
Then it would be one heck of a contest….
OTTO’S ORANGES 17-14

Boise State at Wyoming
Bronco fans should be really encouraged in this game….
I don’t think the Cowboys have beaten Virginia Tech (yet)
Which is nice…
BRONCO’S 43-10

Fresno State at Utah State
Some people think that midgets jousting on burros is cruel and degrading…
I personally think it screams “Pay-Per-View”….
Not that it matters here…
DAWGS 33-31

Utah at New Mexico
I don’t know about you….
But a contest between Utes and Lobos sounds like a Disney cartoon movie to me…
TWO UTES 43-10

Notre Dame at Michigan State
I don’t know what is more disturbing…..
The midget from Notre Dame dressed like a leprechaun….
or their obsession with Golden Gnomes…..
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 27-24

Texas at Texas Tech
I have but one thing to say here….
“Welcome to Texas Tommy….I hope you enjoy your Longhorn ass whipping”
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-24

New Mexico State at UTEP
It just occurred to me…..
“UTEP” is an acronym for a Ute that has to go the bathroom….
AGGIES 23-21

Iowa at Arizona
Remember you heard it here first….
The Eyes of the Hawk will not be stopped…..
Until their meeting in November with the Mighty Buckeyes of Ohio State….
Then it’s anybody’s ball game…
HAWKS EYES 28-17

Houston at UCLA
Despite some key injuries last week, the Cougars are still dangerous…
As in really dangerous…
COUGARS 38-28

Wake Forest at Stanford
This game would be a lot more entertaining for me….
If Jimmy Swaggart was the Demon Deacon mascot….
And after getting all liquored up and having a crying jag at halftime he peed on the Stanford tree mascot.
Now that’s what I call entertainment.

Enjoy your games

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I received a letter from a frequent visitor to this column describing his experiences……
at the Georgia – South Carolina game in Columbia this past Saturday.
It gave me an idea….

I want to take this opportunity to encourage all my faithful readers to share their game day experiences with your favorite college football prognosticator and feel free to include any photos or videos you may have as well.

They will be used here only with your permission…

But until then….
Enjoy the impressions from the Georgia – South Carolina game…..
as seen through the eyes of a diehard Georgia Bulldog Fan

Enjoy…..

Dear Sir,
I just want to tell you that I’ve been about the most excited man in South Georgia!

See, I been saving up cans and such so I could go see me a Georgia-damn-Bulldogs game!!!
Well, sir, I been saving them thangs since about 2007. I’d get me a six pack, drank it, and then stomp them cans flat and throw ‘em in the recircular bin. That was my fancy name for another trash can with just cans in it. Anyway, I stomped cans, drank beer, and saved for so long that I finally got enough of those thangs to get me some tickets to see the BY GOD GEORGIA DANG BULLDAWGS play up to Columbia, South Carlina.

Well, let me tell ya something. It aint no short trip to Columbia, South Carolina..
You got to go clear up to Savannah and get on that Innerstate 95 and then go up and get on ANOTHER INNERSTATE and THEN get to Columbia. Dadgummit, I aint never been that far in my life. And let me tell you something else.
Them South Carlina State po-licemen don’t like Bulldawg fans.
I had my Bulldog flags flyin off both sides of my truck…..
And I even soaped up my back windshield with “South Carlina Sux!!!” on it.
I don’t know why they stopped me. Somethin about broke tail lights. Well, hell, I told ‘em I don’t even use ‘em cause I just give them arm signals I learned about back when I got my drivers license.

When I got to Columbia I couldn’t believe how much they was wantin to park.
Heck, even them folks across the tracks even wanted ten whole dollars.

Well, I got to this church and got to talkin’ to the preacher of the AME church.
Did you know that them folks aint really Ammish?
Well, after I pulled out a bottle of ‘shine we decided to make a swap. I’d give him a nice mason jar full of ‘shine and he’d let me park there for the game.
I’m a real wheeler dealer when I want to be.
That preacher said that he was gonna have a good communion tomorrow!!!
Well, sir, things went down hill from there. I got to the football palace and boy was there a ton of folks there. I finally found my seat which really wadn’t a seat. It was just a damn old metal bench. My doggone overalls is about wore out in the bottom and that dang bench made my fanny hurt. To top it all off, I was surrounded by them dang obnoxious Gamecock fans.
But there was a couple of Georgia fellers right behind me so I was just a hoopin and a hollerin’ and and woofin it up and givin them boys high fives every time the Dawgs did something good. They wadn’t real excited about me doin that sometimes but I did it anyway.
Every time the doggon South Carlina boys did something good all them Gamecocks folks would give it right back. But, the thang that made me mad was when the referees called a fumble on our runner and gave it to South Carlina. Boy I was mad!
All them Gamecocks fellas looked at me and smiled real big and said “Welcome to Columbia, boy.”
Well, we was about to lose so I went ahead and started to leave and this fella behind me said “You leavin?”
I said, “Hell, yea.” He said what’s wrong you didn’t buy a ticket for the whole game and just laughed and laughed. I told him “Boy, you got a sorry football team.” Well, he said, “Boy, whats that say bout them Bulldawgs? They just got beat by a sorry football team.” I had to think about that one, so I just flipped him a bird and walked. Boy, you woulda thought I’d stole their rooster or something.
They started hoopin and a hollerin at me to beat the band.
I was duckin and runnin for my life cause they was throwin trash and stuff at me but I didn’t care. Hell, everytime they played that dang rooster crowin it felt like somebody was drivin a ten penny nail in my head.

So, I got out to where my car was parked in the church and saw that preacher agin.
Do you know that fella was layin on the front lawn like he was dead?
Yessir, I went up to check on him and there he was with that quart jar in his hand and it was almost empty.
I figgered I’d better get outta there and I jumped in my truck and took off.
Well, I thought I’d left the worst of everything behind me but them South Carlina Troopers wadn’t done with me. Do you know they can give you a ticket for drivin too slow on one of them Innerstate highways?
Well, they can in South Carlina. It come up a little drizzle and I slowed down to about 15 miles an hour like a good driver, turned on my ‘mergence lights, and was bein real careful and them dirty dogs stopped me!!
That dang trooper fella wadn’t real happy about getting his purty uniform wet and he asked me why I was goin so slow. I told him, “Hey, buddy, don’t you see it’s raining? My winshield washers don’t work so I’m drivin real slow so I can keep from havin a wreck!!!”

So, I got TWO dang tickets and the Dawgs got beat. That was one sorry day. I thank next time I decide to go to a ball game I’m just gonna save my cans and buy me a ticket to the game down to Jacksonville. At least them Gaineville folks like to wear jean shorts and have them fancy mullet haircuts like us.
GO DAWGS!!!

Lemuel in Ludowici

Your College Football Picks will out on Thursday….
So Stay Tuned…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Despite the fact I don’t put a lot of faith in the college football “recruiting process” as a whole,
I know many of you would like Your Favorite College Football Prognosticators opinion on the latest recruiting news.

So here goes…..

When I hear any member of the national sports media declare the “Recruiting National Championship”…
It makes me want to retch.

And I’ll tell you why…..

Yes it’s important to have good players attend your university…
But it’s equally important to have good kids with character that are willing to be coached attend your school.

That being said, it’s also important to have coaches who can and will work patiently with those kids…
Because that is what they are: kids

The college football world is littered with big names coming out of high school that started out with great expectations..
Only to sizzle out like a cheap Chinese firecracker.

Once promising careers, over before they got started.

You are thinking of a few of those names as we speak aren’t you?
I know I am…

But if you ask me who I thought did the best in recruiting this year, after all that’s why you are reading this article, right?
I will tell you..

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED

Before we get into all that……
I want to comment on Stewart Mandel’s article in Sport’s Illustrated who declared….
“The University of Southern California Trojans will be playing in the 2012 National Championship game”
Based on what the magazines resident Trojan lover gushingly assumes is the greatest pool of talent ever assembled in all of college football.

My comment is simply this……
Wasn’t Stewart the same gibbering idiot that said after the Trojans defeated the Buckeyes last year;
“Pencil the Trojans into the National Championship game, they are on their way to Pasadena!”

Stewart really knows how to put the “Dumb” in “Ass”, doesn’t he?

Now let’s talk college football recruiting for a moment.

You know who did well and who did “surprisingly” well recruiting this year..
So I won’t waste your time and space rehashing what the recruiting services said
or discussing the “amazing” qualities of high school kids who haven’t taken a snap in college football yet.

But you want to know who I thought did the best in recruiting this year, right?

The Might Clemson Tigers and I will tell you why.

Clemson Coach Dabo Swinney honored a scholarship the Tigers offered to a high school linebacker a year ago…
Who will never play a down in Death Valley.

Jake Nicolopulos was a wonderfully gifted, talented linebacker from Anderson South Carolina.
He was fast, hard hitting and a good student at T. L. Hanna High School about twenty minutes from Clemson.

Jake had accepted a scholarship to play for the Clemson Tigers a year ago
and it was the culmination of a life long dream to play in Death Valley.

Jake had a stroke in December.

Jake couldn’t talk or write, or even walk after major surgery to relieve the pressure on his brain.
Jakes’ parents, Craig and mother Ann, were told by doctors their son might not survive.
But he did make it, assisted by surgery that removed part of his skull cap to relieve pressure on his brain.
His father said it was stored in his abdomen and will eventually be reattached to his head.

Immediately after word of Jakes condition reached the Tigers, Clemson athletic director Terry Don Phillips pledged to Swinney
the players’ scholarship would be honored and maintained.

“He will be a part of this family,” Coach Swinney said.

Swinney and his other assistant coach’s tracked Jakes progress during his hospital stay in Anderson..
then as he was moved to Shepherd Center in Atlanta, a facility that specializes in medical treatment, research and rehabilitation for people with spinal cord and brain injuries.
Swinney and his assistant coach’s visited Jake soon after the stroke when the teenager could not speak and only had control of the left side of his body.
They presented him with a No. 9 Clemson jersey with his name on the back.
“He clutched that thing and pulled it right up to his face with his good hand,” Assistant Coach Brad Scott said.
“I’ll never, ever forget that.”

Two months later he had improved enough to sign his National Letter of Intent with Coach Swinney

Slowly, Jake has learned to walk.
His speech has increased, although Craig acknowledged there are many long days of work ahead.

Jake has started his second stage of rehab – six-to-eight weeks of outpatient physical therapy in Atlanta.
He might need speech therapy after that before returning to Anderson and a future at Clemson.
“This is realized dream for him that he achieved, that he earned,” Swinney said.
“God had a little bit of a different plan for him.
But I don’t have doubt at all Jake Nicolopulos will make an impact at Clemson.”

He already has Coach, he already has.

Coach Swinney and the Clemson Tigers reminded us all college football is more than a game.

It’s about Character

It’s about Patience

It’s about Life

RTR

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL WIZARD

Hell yeah it’s me!

The Number Damn One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Planet!

It’s Hootie “Mad as Hell” Snitch

Hell yes I’m Mad!

You want to know why?

Cause everything done got turned upside down!!

First that damn dope smoking California Loving Coach Lame Kitten..
Done ditched us faster than a supermodel on a blind date with a one eyed midget.

Not to mention I went and done gave Lame and his whole damn Zima drinking coaching staff
“free two –for-one coupons” at Snitch’s Bar and Grill for all the Possum wings and Muskrat Nuggets they could eat.

I bet that SOB took them coupons with him when he left too!

I call that ungrateful as Hell!

Now there might be some cussing in this one, so you might not want your young’uns a reading this episode.

And if that ain’t bad enough…..

Two of my waitresses at my restaurant Snitch’s Bar and Grill….
Who just so happened to be Tennessee Hostesses for “recruiting purposes” done went and got arrested.

But I’ll get to that in a minute I ain’t done with Lame “Ass” Kitten, not by a damn sight.

The University of Tennessee done went and gave him the highest salaried staff in the whole Southeastern Conference
and the highest budget in all of damn college football to recruit football players.

Guess what he done?

Not a damn thing but almost bankrupt the athletic department!

He spent that money faster than the federal government!

The University covered up his partying with coeds off campus

We all forgave him for running his mouth and acting like a damn ass….

We turned a deaf ear when he said there weren’t no good high school football players in the state of Tennessee.
I ain’t going to lie, that one flat pissed me off.

We gave him a pass when his damn assistants acted like over age and over weight Chippendale dancers taking their shirts off to try and impress recruits.
I wasn’t going to say nothing about it….
But that was so gay I believe if Boy George drove by and saw that a going on
Even he would holler out the window “By God that IS Gay!”

We even got his recruits into our college, even when they couldn’t spell cat if you spotted them the “C” and the damn “T”

Some of them boys he recruited are dumber than a sack full of dog turds and I ain’t even joking about that.

If you think I’m a wrong
Then why in the hell would you rob somebody with all your Tennessee Football gear on in Knoxville?
Why didn’t that boy and them other football players…
Just show them people they was fixing to rob their student I D’s before they tried to car jack them?

And the University covered up his car accident too.

My Momma was the one that towed his car….
By the way yawl need to call that International Tow Truck Hall of Fame, Museum and Gift Shop and tell them to put my Momma in that Hall of Fame!

Anyway Momma said when she went to tow Lame’s car he was so drunk he couldn’t hit the ground with his hat.
She said it and my Momma don’t lie!

Remember when….
Lame said all that mess about “wanting to embrace the traditions of Tennessee” and “Singing Rocky Top all night long after we beat Florida”?

Well at least I can say he was consistent, cause he didn’t do any of those damn things.

Then after all of that….
He don’t have the common decency to have a press conference longer that a damn minute to thank us for everything we done for him?

And where did Ole Lame “Ass Kitten” go too?
He run off to the weakest college football conference in the damn country!
I know them media types slobber over them Southern California Trojans
Like people at a Weight Watchers meeting over a Nutty Buddy, but the facts is facts.

Most of them teams out west couldn’t beat Maryville Tennessee High School.

Fact is, he couldn’t compete with the Big Boys in the S-E-C and that’s how I see it.

Now that I about got that out of my system, I got one more thing to say about this subject.

Just for the record I thought those black football jerseys were dumber than hell.

Now about the arrest of my waitresses and “former” Tennessee hostesses for “recruiting purposes”…
Yawl probably heard about it, right?

Here is a what the newspaper said about it, then I will tell you the “real” facts.

JANUARY 28–Two Tennessee women who accused a man of rape have admitted to cops that they had consensually agreed to sex with him in exchange for a pack of cigarettes.
One woman told investigators that the duo filed a phony police report because they “didn’t enjoy the sex,” according to cops.
Jessica Kathleen Alexander, 18, and Tammy Nicole Ortega, 29, were arrested today for filing a false police report.

Here are the real facts, first; they never said what kind of cigarettes they was trading for?

Was it Marlboro Reds in the Box?
Because that changes “everything”, know what I mean?
Because I know for a fact, them girls don’t smoke no generic brand.

Second the police should take them girls word for what happened
Because of them being University of Tennessee hostesses “for recruiting purposes”.

And thirdly, why does everybody want to pick on the good looking women?
I will tell you why, damn jealousy that’s why!
I am willing to bet the keys to Snitch’s Bar and Grill…
That this whole damn thing is driven by jealousy cause these gals are so damn good looking.

If they wasn’t good looking, then why was they University of Tennessee hostesses “for recruiting purposes”?

I rest my case.

Glad I could clear that up for everybody.

More later on Tennessee’s new football Coach from Snitch’s Bar and Grill.

Hootie – Out!

Glad you enjoyed the first installment of the 2010 College Football News
And as promised…

The follow on installment for your viewing pleasure..

If you enjoyed the first article, then this should hit your funny bone in just the right place

But before I leave you to your reading…

You did get the memo that the “World is Coming to an End”

Right?

In case you didn’t get the email….
It simply says ….

The New Orleans Saints are going to the Super Bowl….

Hell has indeed frozen over….

Enjoy …..

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA….SELF PUNISHMENT

As you know I don’t mix my sports together but this was too good not to mention.

So the “other” O.J. from the University of Southern California Trojans

EDITORS NOTE: By the above statement I am referring to the O.J. that didn’t
murder his wife and young waiter friend, just so we are clear on that…

That caused so many problems by admitting (Sort of) to accepting money to play basketball for the Trojans
which subsequently got his Coach fired…..

Remember him?

EDITORS NOTE: Again…..
This is not a reference to the O.J. that murdered two people in southern California
and was able to walk away because a jury of idiots let him loose on the streets.

Well the University of Southern California decided they would “punish” themselves over their indiscretions and guess what?
The NCAA said that was “A O.K.” with them

If you are wondering why that is such a big deal…

It’s because that NEVER happened before in the South…

As in NEVER…….EVER….

Coach Bobby Bowden and Florida State can I get an Amen?

Clemson?

Southern Methodist University?

Kentucky?

Auburn?

Florida State?

Texas A&M?

Oklahoma State?

Alabama?

Georgia?

No “SELF PUNISHMENT” allowed for any of these Southern schools
BUT the University of Southern California can get a pass and a slap on the wrist…

All because O.J…..

EDITORS NOTE: Just a reminder….
This is in no way a reference to the O.J. from the Southern California Trojans that MURDERED two people and got away with it…
Due in large part to the preponderance of fools in the Los Angeles area who showed up for jury duty.

I am convinced the University of Southern California Trojans are in bed with the NCAA and collectively they couldn’t spell justice and fairness
If you spotted them the “I’s and the S’s”

But I do have one question related to the Trojan Football program…
How do you plan on “Self Punishing” this….

FOXSPORTS – ESPN – ABC SPORTS – CBS SPORTS

You all just can’t bring yourselves to report anything negative on the Trojans?

Can you?

Not after Lame Kitten and his staff put the screws to Tennessee
and left them hanging while stealing their recruits and nearly bankrupting their athletic budget?

Not even after that?

What about Lame’s history of NCAA recruiting violations at Tennessee
and how maybe that won’t fit well with the ongoing NCAA “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Trojans?

Nothing?

Your not going to report on Lame’s “car accident” while he was with the Volunteers?

You may not want to report anything on the Trojans….

But everybody knows…..
Take for example last week’s NFC Championship game with network prognosticator and comedian Frank Caliendo
imitating Jack Nicholson, giving his prediction for the game.
In the course of his prediction concerning the New Orleans Saints
He said: “Did you see the way Reggie Bush played last week?
He has not played that well since he signed his first professional contract to play for U$C”

Enough said….

THE WHITE HOUSE

So now the White House wants
To “examine” the legitimacy of the Bowl Championship Series.
They might as well, I mean it’s not like we have anything else going on…..
With two wars, an economy that is a popcorn fart away from collapse and unemployment that is rising faster than a hot air balloon.

I am convinced our government could screw up a two car funeral

NCAA EMAIL…..

Email intercepted from NCAA search committee for Myles Brands successor

Mr Ray,
There isn’t much being made in the media about our search for a successor for Mr Myles Brand.
I feel as if our search committee is being slighted by the lack of coverage.
We have decided to “leak” a couple of names to the press in order to generate publicity for the NCAA.
Judge Judy: A no nonsense legal eagle who could easily reign in the malcontents who incessantly complain about everything from referee calls to scheduling.
She would be able to stave off attacks by the Stoop’s & Spurrier’s of the coaching ranks with caustic wit and her forceful nature.
William Shatner: Everybody still remembers him from Star Trek.
Who better to lead this organization into the future than a Starship Commander?
We have a couple of other names in mind should the need arise: Jeff Probst from Survivor & Jet Li of action film fame.
However, we’ll hold these names until the need arises
Search Committee
NCAA

EDITORS NOTE: I guess Hitler was unavailable for an interview…

FLORIDA STATE

As we all know the Seminoles traded Saint Bobby for a Jimbo

But I have to ask…..

So you promoted the offensive coordinator who couldn’t put more than ten whopping points on the Gators to be your Head Coach?

Ah, Ok…..

TIM TEBOW and THE SUPER BOWL ADD

THE WIZARDS COMMENTARY

I just read an article in which the National Organization for Women, the Women’s Media Center of New York, the Feminist Majority and others
do not approve of an ad sponsored by Focus on the Family that recounts the difficult pregnancy of Pam Tebow when she was carrying Tim Tebow.
Because of the problems she had with her pregnancy, she was advised to have an abortion.
She didn’t heed the advice.

The Women’s Media Center describes Focus on the Family as “anti-equality, anti-choice, and homophobic” and claims…..
CBS will damage their reputation by airing the ad. Huh?
It sounds like if you’re anti-equality, anti-choice, and homophobic, then you’re probably a conservative.
Isn’t most of America really, deep down, conservative?
Don’t they really mean that if you don’t agree with them and don’t fall in lock-step with their views that you’re an unenlightened Neanderthal, incapable of logical thought?
That’s liberal enlightenment, if I ever heard it.

It also sounds like the fine folks at the NCAA, doesn’t it?

The president of the National Organization for Women claims that the ad would be “extraordinarily offensive and demeaning” to women. Huh?
You mean if you make ads ONLY for abortion, etc then no one should find that offensive.
I guess if you even have thoughts and ideas contrary to what they believe then you’re a bad, neo-con, Nazi. Riiiiiight.
Who are the real Nazi’s, the ones that want to suppress free thought or the ones who will express a thought counter to what the liberal socialists think no matter how much ridicule it brings.

I ask you?

USC VERSES USC

As you may have read the University of Southern California took the University of South Carolina to court over the “trademark” of their respective symbols
more specifically the interlocking initials of their U-S-C.

“Mister” Edelman the attorney for Southern California had these professional words to say concerning the dispute….

“Sports logo registrations are not limited to use in team colors, so there was potential for South Carolina merchandise to be mistaken for that of (Southern Cal), Edelman said.
He also suggested that the letters were more deservedly linked to the Trojans’ warrior image than to “a goofy little chicken.”
“I think they wanted to move away from the gamecock logo,” Edelman said of the University of South Carolina. “Something that is totally understandable.”

I ask you dear readers, how in the hell do you get these two symbols confused?

My take on this dispute is simple….
Listen closely Gamecock faithful….
Tell the University of Southern California and the Court to kiss your Gamecock ass.

Keep your USC symbol as it is….

TENNESSEE

It has been reported that Phil Fulmer assisted the University of Tennessee in finding the replacement for Lame Kitten.

It was further reported Phil had this to say concerning his “duties”

He stated he was ready to help make “one of the most important decisions” in the program’s history.
He also said the next coach should embrace Tennessee traditions, be mature and have integrity.

By using terms like “traditions” and “integrity” does Phil mean protecting rapist and other criminals on the team, while concocting conspiracies against your rivals?

Does it mean changing grades and inventing “walking classes” for athletes?

Or does it mean having a six percent graduation rate for your student athletes?

Maybe it means having your own personal attorney “represent” those thugs on the team
that beat up a female student that refused to do his homework and the athletes that beat up and permanently disfigured a male student at a basketball game.

I hope for the University of Tennessee, that wasn’t what he meant.

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Sir –
You appear from your writing to be an educated man with some sense of worldliness”
So I ask you this question in hopes you will assist me in my quest for justice.
Recently I purchased a women’s brief case, yet upon arriving back at my apartment and opening the case I noticed there were no women’s undergarments inside.
I attempted to get my money back after vehemently complaining to the proprietor and accusing him of “false advertisement” since there were no ladies briefs anywhere in the case, but to no avail.
In fact they ridiculed me as I left the establishment in disgust!
So I ask you sir, Do I have a clear cut case of False Advertisement or not?
Thomas – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: Tom, do you live in your Grandmothers’ basement and dress up in her clothes?
I’m just asking before I dispense any expert legal advice…

Q: Mister Wizard, we were all sorry to hear you didn’t get the opportunity to attend the National Championship game this year in beautiful southern California!
We were in hopes you would have the opportunity to attend one of our many diversity classes here at the Pasadena Community College, just around the corner from the world famous Rose Bowl.
In fact we have an interactive history class which would have been perfect for you!
It’s called the “Boston Tea Party Massacre Story”……
The class opens with Abraham Lincoln freeing the wrongly imprisoned Asian Americans from World War II interment camps, and establishing a coalition of partners to rebuild the Aztecs Empire after the United States military mistakenly carpet bombed them.
Meanwhile Millard Fillmore and Jimmy Carter, perhaps two of our country’s greatest leaders, destroy hundreds of Lipton Tea Bags in Boston Harbor in protest over America’s treatment of Cuba; Gloria Estefan will provide the theme music for this particular portion of the class and the award winning documentary director Michael Moore has gladly offered his services to direct the group towards the truth.
We have the entire class available on CD, would you like for us to send you a copy?
Dr. Emilio Jose T. Ricardo- Pasadena, California

A: I have but one comment on your letter Doctor
How dare you drag Gloria Estefan into your twisted world!
That woman is a national treasure!

Q: Sir, I know this is “slightly” off the college football subject…
But I know you love BBQ, so I need to ask….
How can you tell the moment you walk into a BBQ joint if it’s going to be any good?
Jim – New Iberia, Louisiana

A: College Football and BBQ go together like peas and carrots; so don’t worry about asking a question like that here. You came to the right place….
As you may know I am a bit of an “expert” when it comes to BBQ….
That being said Jim….
I look for two things right off the bat in a BBQ joint..
One…
When you walk in, you should be able to smell that smoky goodness…..
Two…
If the place has a Jukebox and Conway Twitty is playing when you walk in…
You are home…
(More on my highly scientific process later…)

Q: Greetings and Salutations Mister Wizard!
I have followed your articles concerning college football “live” mascots very closely.
Why you may ask?
Because I have the next “live” mascot for the University of South Carolina!
I have raised a rooster that I call “El Uno Con Grande Talentos”
(The one with the Large Talons)
Just imagine…..
As El Uno Con Grande Talentos enters William Brice Stadium….
Everyone in the stadium will be wearing festive hats and blowing party horns and screaming “Viva El Uno Con Grande Talentos!” “Viva El Uno Con Grande Talentos!”
Then for the finale…..The Carolina Cheerleaders can come on to the field and shout
“Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole!” While wearing festive sombreros and pulling a burro!
What do you think?
Jose – Conway, South Carolina

A: Jose you are aware this is “College football” and not bullfighting, right?

Q: Well Mister Wizard you have had quite a Year!
Your beloved Crimson Tide are the National Champions!
Southern California is in disarray as is the NCAA and Notre Dame…
Is there anything you “didn’t” get for Christmas this year?
Melinda –Bay City, Texas

A: I am very fortunate and blessed Melinda, that’s for sure.
And certainly I have had nearly every wish granted to me this year in college football.
So I have no complaints…
But If I could have but one more wish….
I wish a herd of rabid possums would attack and eat Jon and Kate and all eight of what ever the hell they are.
I am sick of hearing about those idiots
Q: So Mister Wizard, do you have any big plans before Spring Football starts?
Perhaps a vacation?
Just wondering….
The Rogers Family – Omaha, Nebraska

A: Great question and thank you for asking Rogers family.
This “off season” I will use my time to finalize my court case against the popular restaurant chain “Cracker Barrel”.
I am in the process of suing the popular chain because quite simply….
Every time I see the name it reminds me I am white….
I mean seriously, what’s next “Honky Bucket”?
No this discrimination has got to Stop!
Either that or they may pay me 12 million dollars for my “pain” and “suffering” and we can call it even.

Q: What is the deal with Mark May of ESPN!
You have been right about him all along!
My wife and I got a chance to meet him recently at a promotion for Home Depot..
They are the sponsor of the ESPN College Game Day Set, and Lord have mercy!
You want to talk about some bad breath!
Mark May’s breath smelled like ass and boiled cabbage!
It made my wife’s eyes water!
I am telling you his breath smells like my Saint Bernard’s butt!
Anyway…..
Thanks for telling us about Mark May, we should have listened to you.
Doug and Karen Shipley – Paducah, Kentucky

A: Actually Mr. and Mrs. Shipley I said Mark May was “full of crap”, I never said his breath smelled like it too.

Q: Hey Mister Smart Ass!
We Tennessee Fans don’t appreciate it one damn bit you making fun of Coach Drooly with them funny pictures!
First things first, he come from “real” coaching stock, in case you hadn’t heard his daddy was THE Coach Drooly from the University of Georgia!
Ever heard of him?
Second, he was coaching at a school that was right up the road from them LSU Tigers, and they never played him, you want to know why?
Cause they is scared of Coach Drooly, that’s why!
Third, he ain’t from California so that makes him ok in our book!
So Lay off Coach Drooly!
Slim and Scooter Watkins – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: With names like “Slim and Scooter” I can only hope one of you aren’t anorexic and the other is on a Hover Round scooter,
but that being said, I was going to correct you on the name of your new coach, but frankly I am laughing too hard.

Post Season Thanks….

In my National Championship euphoria I failed to thank my sponsors and all the fine people
that not only help with this article week after week throughout the season…..
But encourage me to keep writing.
There are truly too many people to thank here…
But in no particular order I need to acknowledge a few people….
I couldn’t type a single word or have it posted without the amazingly talented Dennis
who is the single greatest webmaster on planet earth.
Thank you Dennis, you sir are the man.
I want to thank Big Paul, Matt and Hank and the Charleston “A-Team” for great ideas, tremendous humor, invaluable contributions and friendship.
Thank you to my “Royal” Family of Alabama….
The Princess, Miss Kaye and Christy, whose humor, encouragement and kindness have kept me writing, I love you ladies.
To my adopted Clemson Family
Thank you so very much for everything, I truly miss and love you all.
My Deepest Gratitude to Bulldog Jim and the Mississippi State Bulldog faithful for all their encouragement and kind words.
Many Thanks goes to my other Carolina family, Beaver Jim, Susan and the Aiken Crew for your contributions, ideas and tremendous sense of humor.
Thank you to Eric and the rest of the Oak Ridge Boys.
Many Thanks to Lee and his beautiful Texas bride, I owe you my friend.
To my family in Baja Alabama
Deke, Steve, Seminole Puddly, Arkansas Dave, Reece and Eric and the many others…
You all got me started, provided great humor, ideas and encouragement throughout the years.
I can never thank you all enough.

I owe a depth of gratitude to Col J and the Husker Nation.
You encouraged me to keep writing when I wasn’t feeling it, I thank you sir.

To all my overseas readers and contributors, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I also want to thank the fine people at the Stony Brook Chalets in Gatlinburg

Drop by for a weekend and relax or plan a vacation with them, you won’t be disappointed.
Tell Pam and Ed your favorite college football prognosticator sent you.

http://stonybrooklodging.com/

And lastly…

As long as you continue to enjoy it, I’ll keep writing.

That’s why I do it…

Thank you all

NEXT WEEK..

The Number One Tennessee Fan on the planet
will have his commentary and comments later this week about Lame Kitten and the newest coach to Beacon Hill.

So stay Tuned..

RTR

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL WIZARD

As the sun sets on the end of another year….
It’s time to wrap up the Bowl season
And the National Championship

Safety Tip: For those of you reading this on January 1st……
This column is not written or designed in 3D…..
If you are seeing double
You “may” have had too much of Grandpa’s Couch Medicine last night.

As I set here in my new Urban Myer Flip Flops and prepare to return to Satan’s Butt crack
Wait, I can’t decide if I like these things or not….
Never mind….
I decided I like them…
Or do I?

Never mind….
I will wear one flip flop around for another day and decide if I will keep them.

Before we go any further I want to say
The folks in Lubbock made a bad decision firing Coach Leach..
A Very Bad Decision

You may be wondering what New Year Resolutions I will make this year

My 2010 New Year’s Resolutions are quite simple
This year I will no longer introduce myself as “Gary Busey’s Illegitimate Son”
(But I did enjoy signing all the autographs last year)
I will no longer judge people on their height, weight and color of their eyes.
Instead I will judge people based upon whether or not they like ABBA.
(They suck by the way)
And perhaps most important of all
I intend on taking more time this year to enjoy my extensive collection of…
Herve Villechaize albums of classic Love Songs

These Urban Myer Flip Flops make me jump from subject to subject
Don’t they?
I am taking them off for good….
I changed my mind, I’m keeping them

Have a Great Year my Friends……

Enjoy!

One other thing…..
For you that doubt the soothing power of Herve Villechaize classic Love Songs
Please enjoy the following short clip
And before you ask….
“No” you may not borrow my albums

Click here to view the embedded video.

THE BOWL GAMES

Friday January 1st 2010

OUTBACK BOWL
Tampa Florida
Northwestern and Auburn
With both teams in this game being of the feline variety
I would have thought it more appropriate to have this game
Sponsored by “Tidy Cat”
Never Mind…..
WAR DAMN EAGLE 33-24

CAPITAL ONE BOWL
Orlando Florida
Penn State and LSU
Lions and Tigers O’ My!
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-17

KONICA MINOITA GATOR BOWL
Jacksonville Florida
West Virginia and Florida State
In Honor of Coach Bobby’s last game…
The College Football Hall of Fame will display the legendary Coach’s sideline apparel in a special exhibit honoring the Tallahassee legend.
On display will be Coach Bobby’s Vietcong “Coaches” hat, welding goggles and trousers with a forty inch zipper.
SEMI-NOLES 31-28

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder…..
Considering the title sponsor of this bowl game…
Does the winner of this game get something that looks like a Komodo Dragon?

ROSE BOWL
Pasadena California
The Ohio State and Oregon
The Granddaddy of them all…..
The Ducks can go Quack themselves…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 28-17

ALLSTATE SUGAR BOWL
New Orleans
Florida and Cincinnati
This one will be nothing but Gators…..
Believe it…
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Saturday January 2nd 2010

AT&T COTTON BOWL
Dallas Texas
Oklahoma State and Ole Miss
I had some of the best days of my life in Dallas…..
Not that it really matters here…..
I had a variety of headlines for this game I wanted to use…
“The Prairie Wind touches Ole Miss is a naughty place”
“These Rebels are Nutts”
“You can’t beat Ole Miss Nutts”
But you expect higher standards from me
So I will simply say
NUTTY REBELS 34-24

AUTOZONE LIBERTY BOWL
Memphis Tennessee
East Carolina and Arkansas
The winner of this game gets a free oil change and a tire rotation.
Which is nice…
RAZORBACKS 38-17

INTERNATIONAL BOWL
Toronto Canada
South Florida and Northern Illinois
Let me tell you what I learned about Canada….
When the speed limit signs say “80”
They mean “80 Kilometers an Hour” which equates to about “50 miles per hour”
For those you that may be wondering what “80 miles an hour” is in Kilometers?
It’s 128 Kilometers an Hour, at least that’s what my ticket said.
That’s No Bull
SUNSHINE BULLS 28-24

PAPAJOHNS.COM BOWL
Birmingham Alabama
Connecticut and South Carolina
Did you know when Lou Holtz says “Connecticut” he spits halfway across the room?
STEVE’S GAMECOCKS 38-17

VALERO ALAMO BOWL
San Antonio Texas
Texas Tech and Michigan State
I believe having a Mexican sponsorship for the Alamo Bowl
Is just plain wrong.
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 33-28

Monday January 4th 2010

TOSTITOS FIESTA BOWL
Glendale Arizona
Texas Christian and Boise State
There is only one thing that can be said about this game
It’s going to be a dandy
HORNED FROGS 24-23

Tuesday January 5th 2010

FEDEX ORANGE BOWL
Miami Florida
Georgia Tech and Iowa
As many close games as these two teams have played this year
Don’t you think “Nine Lives Cat Food” should be the sponsor?
Just wondering…
RAMBLING WRECK 31-17

Wednesday January 6th 2010

GMAC BOWL
Mobile Alabama
Central Michigan and Troy
For those fans and alumni of the two schools seeing the local sights before the game
I need to point out that due to a “funding” problem the statue of Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator at the Flora-Bama Lounge has yet to be completed.
I just thought you should know.
CHIPPEWA’S 33-31

Thursday January 7th 2010

THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
Pasadena California
The University of Texas Longhorns and The University of Alabama Crimson Tide
This will be a battle for the ages…..
Lee, It’s two more weeks on the couch for you my friend.
CRIMSON TIDE 33-21

I hope you all have a healthy and happy New Year
Hope to see you all next year

RTR
MEB

It’s the day after Christmas and all through the house……
Hardly a creature is stirring
Not even Aunt Edna and her irritable bowel syndrome

But that doesn’t matter and you really shouldn’t care

Because Uncle Todd is sleeping off his Christmas bender with sweet potato casserole
Still stuck in his hair.

Have no doubt and have no fear…..

For your reading pleasure the second installment of the Bowl games
To include the game in Atlanta with the Volunteers

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas

Enjoy!

THE BOWL GAMES PART II

Saturday December 26th

THE EMERALD NUT BOWL
San Francisco California
Boston College and Southern California
Since this game is in San Francisco…..
Wouldn’t be more appropriate to call it….
The “If you drop your wallet you better kick it to Sacramento before you pick it up Bowl”?
Just wondering….
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 33-31

MEINEKE CAR CARE BOWL
Charlotte North Carolina
North Carolina and Pittsburg
The winner of this game gets a trophy that looks eerily similar to a car muffler.
Coincidence? I think not…..
TAR HEELS 24-21

LITTLE CAESARS BOWL
Detroit Michigan
Ohio and Marshall
I appreciate the fine folks from Caesars Pizza sponsoring this Bowl game…
But this game is in Detroit…
So shouldn’t this game be sponsored by..
A Bullet Proof Vest Company and a Bail Bonds Association?
I’m just saying….
COACH FRANK’S CATS 34-24

Sunday December 27th

GAYLORD HOTELS MUSIC CITY BOWL
Nashville Tennessee
Kentucky and Clemson
Anybody with the name “Gaylord” didn’t go to public school
You can count on that….
DABO’S TIGERS 34-28

Monday December 28th

INDEPENDENCE BOWL
Shreveport Louisiana
Texas A&M and Georgia
I liked this Bowl game a lot better……
When it was called the Weed Eater Independence Bowl
But that’s just me…
I’m Old Fashioned
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS 31-17

Tuesday December 29th

EAGLE BANK BOWL
Washington D.C.
UCLA and Temple
Ah the “Nations Capitol”….
I would feel more comfortable with this game, considering the location…
If it was called the “Marion Berry Crack Pipe Bowl”
My second choice for the name of the Bowl game would be…
“Taxing the Working Class like it’s Cool Bowl”
You get the idea…
BRUINS 28-24

CHAMPS SPORTS BOWL
Orlando Florida
Miami (FL) and Wisconsin
Have you ever seen cheese that’s been left out in the Florida sun?
I am not talking about how it smells here people…
I know your Uncle Todd has been at your house for over a week and my description above is EXACTLY the aroma (if you want to call it that)
Which is currently drifting out of your front closet due to his “favorite shoes”
I am talking about cheese melting….
The Wisconsin Cheese Heads will melt in Orlando……
Believe it…
HURRICANES 38-17

Wednesday December 30th

PACIFIC LIFE HOLIDAY BOWL
San Diego Florida
Nebraska and Arizona
“Pacific Life?”
Don’t they mean…..
“The Media Whores Bowl”
I’m just asking….
CHILDREN OF THE CORN HUSKERS 31-17

ROADY’S HUMANITARIAN BOWL
Boise Idaho
Idaho and Bowling Green
I never knew “Roady” was a Humanitarian?
All these years I thought he just placed speakers and microphones for Lynyrd Skynyrd
Who Knew?
VANDALS 24-17

Thursday December 31st

TEXAS BOWL
Houston Texas
Missouri and Navy
Honestly….
You had me at “Texas”
What I wouldn’t give to be in Houston town on New Years Eve…
MO’S TIGERS 38-21

BELL HELICOPTER ARMED FORCES BOWL
Fort Worth Texas
Air Force and Houston
Ah Fort Worth…..Now that is a fine town.
But……
The mighty Falcons have a problem….
They are playing the Cougars…
Yes, it’s just that simple.
COUGARS 38-21

BRUT SUN BOWL
El Paso Texas
Stanford and Oklahoma
I wish this game was still called “The Sun Bowl”
But I don’t have a problem with calling it the “Brut Sun Bowl”
Lee Marvin and Steve McQueen used Brut….
That’s good enough for me…
CARDINAL 31-28

INSIGHT BOWL
Tempe Arizona
Minnesota and Iowa State
The “Insight” Bowl?
I have some “insight” for you….
Neither one of these teams could beat Hover High School in Alabama
CYCLONES 17-10

CHICK-FIL-A BOWL
Atlanta Georgia
Virginia Tech and Tennessee
As far as I am concerned this is still the Peach Bowl….
But that aside
The Big Chicken Sandwich goes to……
VOWELS 31-24

You will have “another” Bowl Edition out Sunday evening….
It will “Highlight” the Lesser Bowl games of the week….

And the remainder of your Big College Bowl games will be out later in the week….

Before I leave you today…..

How about those Mighty SMU Mustangs!

RTR
MEB

I wrote a Christmas story some years ago about my most memorable Christmas.

It’s called…..
“Christmas on Outer Drive”

Over the years I have only shared this story……..
With a few close friends and a certain member of Alabama royalty.

I am not sure why I decided to share this with you all now…..

But I hope you enjoy it….
If you enjoy it, share it with whoever you like…

Merry Christmas my friends

RTR
MEB

CHRISTMAS ON OUTER DRIVE

It was Christmas 1962, when America didn’t have a clue what a Vietnam was
and most women were more concerned about which hat Jackie would wear during the holidays than they were about world politics.

Even at the ripe old age of four this wonderful foster family provided by the state that was kind enough to explain to me that Santa Claus…
Ole Saint Nick to you and me, didn’t visit children without a mommy and daddy.
Those were the “bad” children; that’s why their mommies and daddies left them with the state.
Made sense to me at the time; so, it goes without saying that my expectations were not very high this holiday season.

Imagine my surprise when Miss Connie, who lived next door in the duplex……
told me that she was “sure” that Santa was going to drop off a present for me at her house.
She would bring it over to me on Christmas day. What? Could this be true?
I couldn’t hide my excitement or stop talking about Santa’s generosity.
The whole concept of Santa Claus was beyond my ability to comprehend.
But yet, I was able to grasp the idea of a “special” gift created just for me and built by elf’s working at union wage at the North Pole.
Go figure.

I have been exposed to various family Christmas traditions throughout my extensive tour of state homes over the years before I had grown up.
However, this particular family enjoyed opening a variety of packages on Christmas Eve and saving a select few……
Along with Santa’s delivery, to open on Christmas morning.

On this Christmas Eve I was a very disinterested observer.
Despite the fact I wasn’t going to get any gifts, after all it was pointed out in advance, that “taking me in” and feeding me was “gift enough”.
I wanted to speed up the whole process; move on to Christmas morning…..
So I could get whatever wonderful item Santa would leave me at Miss Connie and Mister Ken’s house.
Could you blame me?

I remember these events with perfect clarity, recalling the scents and colors of the scene around me.
I can recall the feeling of unbridled enthusiasm of Santa’s impending arrival and the personal torment of a child wondering what he had done to make his parents not want him.

But I need to get back to the subject.
Somewhere during the course of the evening with my foster family……..
With the sound of tearing wrapping paper and empty boxes mixed with the laughter of the adults and their biological child, underneath the shimmering Christmas tree,,,,,
I took it upon myself to commit the ultimate breach in Christmas etiquette.

I was entrusted with prior knowledge of a special gift intended for the master of the house.
As he ever so slowly began the process of unwrapping his “special” gift…..
He also, began the “What did you get me?” game, which I was totally unfamiliar with at this particular time.

I cannot recall if I was exasperated with the speed of the deliberations
or I was attempting to be helpful with the questions from the master of the house.
It may have been a combination of the two.
But regardless of my reasoning….
During the guessing game conducted by the master of the house with his “real” family,
I suddenly and without warning blurted out, “It’s a Tool Box”.

It was as if someone pulled the plug to the volume control.
I have never heard a room go from the bustle and excitement of Christmas, with the tearing of packages and all the electricity that comes with the moment….
To complete silence in a micro second.

I was now the total focus of everyone’s attention.
Which is never a good thing.

Total disgust from the gallery of observers was matched by the murderous expression displayed by the man of the house.
He slowly stood from his chair, stepping over the remnants of packages and his “tool box”.
The only sound I heard were his feet making contact with several pieces of wrapping paper.

He made approximately four strides that seem to take forever to complete in my minds eye.
He bent slowly, until our nose’s nearly touched.
I can smell the spent Pall-Mall’s on his breathe and the sticky sweet smell of, what I now recognize as, Southern Comfort.
Daniel in the Lions Den had nothing on me……

Between clenched teeth he told me that I had ruined Christmas for the whole family.
To be honest, I had figured that much out on my own at this point.
However what I did not anticipate, which to this day baffles me…..
Particularly considering my highly evolved survival skills, is what transpired next.

He struck me so fast on my face with his open hand that I wasn’t quite sure that I had been hit.
However, all doubt left my mind when my buttocks and shoulders made contact with the floor.
I remember the embarrassment of being knocked down, as opposed to the pain of the blow.
It’s funny what you remember sometimes…..

I immediately rolled my body into a ball, in anticipation of being kicked and I wasn’t disappointed.
Fortunately, he was barefooted and didn’t put a lot into it, or use his heel.
After a couple of kicks in quick succession I was told to get up and go to bed, while the rest of the “real” family continued with their holiday celebrations.

Excitement overshadowed any pain that I may have experienced thinking about Santa’s subsequent arrival ….
And my gift to be left with Miss Connie and I drifted off to sleep.
I woke before dawn on Christmas morning.

I remember pacing frantically in my little room and trying not to wake anyone in the house.
I didn’t want to wait for Miss Connie or Mister Ken to bring Santa’s gift to me.
As soon as I knew they were awake I would knock on the door and inquire about Santa’s visit the following evening (I had a plan)

Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait long for my plan to go into action.
Shortly after the sun came up I smelled two very important and familiar items that Christmas morning.
I smelled Miss Connie’s coffee pot and Mister Ken’s pipe.

Already, in my overalls, I slipped on my boots and quietly made my way out of the duplex to their front door.
Once I was at the front door, I suddenly lost my nerve and found that I couldn’t knock.
I was afraid of disappointment or maybe I was just plain scared, I really don’t remember.

Good fortune was mine this day…..
As I was turning to leave, Mister Ken; God bless him, opened the door…..
And said something about hearing shuffling on the porch, and invited me in to the wonderful smell of Miss Connie’s pancakes.

I soon found myself eating like I was going to the electric chair.
The exquisite taste of those pancakes, mixed with melted butter and maple syrup, washed down with ice cold milk made me momentarily forget all about gifts, packages or Santa.

Miss Connie and Mister Ken had already raised three boys by the time of this story and missed the sounds of boys in their house.
I was always welcome in their modest home and felt warm and safe in their presence.
I don’t think I ever left their house when I wasn’t still chewing some marvelous delight prepared by Miss Connie.

While I was digging into my second helping of pancakes with Mister Ken asking me if I had seen Bart Starr and the Green Bay Packers on the television set..
Miss Connie interrupted and explained that they had found a gift with my name on it, under their tree for me this morning.
Before I had a chance to finish chewing, she had set the gift down on the table next to me.

The paper and ribbon were magnificent.
I had never seen such a package.
Smiling broadly, they encouraged me to go ahead and open it.
With maple syrup on my face and hands I began to tear into “my” package.
I started pealing the paper, and next I broke the seal on the box encasing my Christmas surprise.

Inside the package was a plastic bag holding some one hundred plastic soldiers and the top of the bag was advertising the popular television program “Combat”.
There was an American jeep and a German pillbox in the bag as well.
This was beyond my wildest expectations!
I jumped up from the table hugging them both as tightly as I could and asked them to please thank Santa for me.
I have never received a better gift anytime in my life.

I will never forget that gift, the kindness of those two people, or that particular Christmas on Outer Drive.
In time, I moved on to a series of state homes, and Miss Connie and Mister Ken were to lose their oldest son Jerry, in Vietnam.
But this moment for me is frozen in time.

It doesn’t take much effort to create a memory for someone who doesn’t have much hope.
Take the opportunity to bring a little hope to someone this Christmas season, create a smile or generate laughter in those who need it the most.

Merry Christmas

Post script…

This story is for Connie and Ken who have gone on to meet the Lord.
Two sweeter or loving people have never walked this earth.
They provided a poor child with love and care that will never be forgotten.

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2009

RTR
MEB

I guess they can’t handle the truth….

After my commentary last week….
The twin towers of stupidity had the unmitigated gall to title their next article….
“Meet their Match: Can anyone Catch Southern California?”

Are you kidding me?
The gibbering idiots at the College Football News went on to say…
“That if Southern California can survive their brutal road schedule, they will be a lock for the National Championship game.”

Brutal road schedule, is that some sort of a joke?
Granted they play The Ohio State Buckeyes in the Big Horseshoe this year..
But playing at Washington, Notre Dame and Oregon is brutal?

I half expected to hear them squeal like 10 year old girls while they were writing…
“O My Gosh, they like also play at California and at Arizona State!…
They are like playing Golden Bears and Sun Devils, that just sounds so scary!
But that Coach Pete is just so dreamy…
Where is that picture of him in Tiger Beat?”

While they were in the throngs of ecstasy wallowing in their love of Saint Pete and the Trojans, they once AGAIN failed to mention anything about the “on-going” NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans.

Instead….
They wanted us all to know that eleven players have left the University of Tennessee football team since Lane Kiffin took over as head coach. They also felt obligated to inform us that Coach Kiffin had given a scholarship to a kid that was convicted of a heinous rape a few years before.

But…..
They failed to mention anything at the time about the Trojan’s Frostee Rucker.
He was a defensive lineman that was expelled from Colorado State for sexually assaulting a female student and indecent exposure.
He was immedately recruited by Saint Pete and Southern California and accepted a scholarship to play for the Trojans.

But the story doesn’t end there….
It was reported that Rucker sexually assaulted another girl while at Southern California in August of 2005.

The shocking part to all of this?
He never missed a game at U$C….
Not one…
In fact the story never came to light until his eligibility with the Trojans expired.
What a crazy coincidence, right?

You want to talk about “Golden Boy” Mark Sanchez and his Rape Charge?

I didn’t think so….

You still think I am being too harsh?

Last week ….
The NCAA released their findings on the Graduation Success Rates (GSR) data of the various universities and colleges.
In case you didn’t know…
The NCAA has mandated that University and College athletic programs must meet a specific criteria for graduation of athletes or risk being banned from post season play.

The fine folks (Nazis actually….) from Indianapolis..
Penalized the football programs from Chattanooga, Jacksonville State and McNeese State….
As well as other smaller schools….
And banned them from post-season play.

But interestingly enough….
Not one, but two PAC 10 Universities scored below the accepted minimum…
And lower than two of the colleges mentioned above…
Yet they were not penalized at all….

Maybe….
They didn’t penalize the PAC 10 schools because they aren’t in the South?

You still need convincing?

The NCAA will not allow ANY tournaments in the state of Mississippi….
Because “they” don’t like the state flag….
Despite the fact the fine people of Mississippi voted to keep the current flag design..
I guess the folks in Indianapolis choose not to recognize popular elections in this country..

The NCAA will not allow ANY tournaments in the state of South Carolina…
Because the confederate battle flag flies over a confederate monument on the grounds of the state capital.
I guess the NCAA believes they have the right to tell the STATE of South Carolina what displays they should have on STATE property…

The reason I mention this…
Is because…

The NCAA didn’t ban any tournaments or anything else for that matter….
In Los Angeles after the Rodney King Riots…

They didn’t ban any tournaments in Boston due to racial strife or gay marriages..

They won’t penalize a state until they account for all illegal aliens…
And “undocumented workers”…

They won’t ban teams in a state that provides a haven for terrorists and Muslim extremists..

They won’t punish a city that bans Military Recruiters from college campuses…

So are we to believe that only Southerners are raciest?

If you believe that then I bet you didn’t hear or read about this…
On February 8, 2007 several Southern California Trojan football players created and joined a racist Facebook group as a “joke”….

The racist Facebook group was called “White Nation”: it showed a graphic of a swastika and a black baby in handcuffs with the caption “arrest black babies before they become criminals.”
The group was created by U$C linebacker Clay Matthews and was joined by teammates David Buehler, Brian Cushing, Dan Deckas and Dallas Sartz and others…

Coach Pete Carroll responded to reports of the incident by saying he had “No Plans to discipline the players” and U$C later announced that none of the players would be punished.

According to Pete Carroll….
“It’s not a controversy, it’s a mistake.”

What would have been the national media’s reaction….
If that would have happened in Gainesville, Starkville or Clemson?
Or God Forbid…
Alabama….

At the very least…
We would have been subjected to a week long “Mississippi Burning” marathon on TBS..

According to the national sports media and the NCAA…
We Southerners are the only cheaters…

But it’s O.K. that Pete Carroll in February 2007 lied about his and Reggie Bush’s contact with Joe McKnight to both the NCAA and his employer.
You remember that right?

U$C compliance officials announced they were investigating whether an NCAA violation occured during the Trojan’s pursuit of Louisiana prep star running back Joe McKnight. The investigation followed reports that McKnight had told reporters that U$C Coach Pete Carroll had set up a conference call so he and high school coach J.T. Curtis could be reassured by ex-Trojan running back Reggie Bush that U$C would not be punished for a separate NCAA Investigation into improper benefits taken by Bush while at U$C.

Carroll later denied that any call took place, and Curtis said that McKnight misspoke.
But…
According to NCAA officials, if U$C got Bush’s help in recruiting McKnight….
It would be considered a “secondary violation” of recruiting rules…

But the NCAA gave them a pass….

Just like the NCAA gave U$C and Dwayne Jarrett a pass when he “didn’t know” he had to pay rent at a luxury apartment at $4500.00 dollars a month for a year and a half.

EDITORS NOTE: If you are counting….
In rent alone that comes to Over 80K…

No mention of course….
From the NCAA on utilities or what type of ride D-Wayne had at the time…
I guess they “didn’t know” they should have looked into that too….

If you think I am being picky here..
Try that stunt next time you buy groceries…
Just take what you want and head to the car…
In the event you get caught…
Just tell them..
You “didn’t know” you had to pay for them…
And then see how far that gets you…

All the while…
The national sports media and the NCAA..
Wants to “look into serious violations of student athlete miss-use of text books” at Alabama…
It was reported that “Up to fifteen hundred dollars of text book mis-use has been reported…”

Wow and you call that a scandal?
But Reggie Bush and his family can accept Hundreds of Thousands of dollars in cash…
Flights…
Weekend getaways…
Vehicles…
From a registered Sports Agent while at U$C..
And it’s all O.K.?
Right?

If it seems at times I take this all too seriously…
It’s because I do…

Because…
I don’t like smartass yankees and sue happy Californians picking on my beloved South…

If they keep this up I might just run for the President of the Republic of Texas…
Don’t laugh..
I am a hellava lot more qualified than what you have seen lately…

RTR
MEB

It’s time for the kickoff of the 2008 College Football Season and your favorite College Football Prognosticator has the answers to the questions you so desperately seek.

Will the Duke Blue Devils have more than a dozen fans at home football games this season?
ANSWER: No, they will not.

Is the theme from “Deliverance” the “official” Fight Song of the University of Tennessee?
ANSWER: Yes…..complete with a shoeless boy and his banjo.

Does Notre Dame have an “outside” shot at the National Championship this year?
ANSWER: They have the same chance of winning the National Championship as the boys from Menudo do of having a reunion tour.

Will some fans be in need of a liver transplant by the end of the season?
ANSWER: Yes, I just hope this year it’s not me….(again)

So, have no fear my friends.
I am here to guide you through the many cheers and tears of the 2008 College Football Season.

Enjoy Your Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday, August 28th

Northeastern at Ball State
Hey! David Letterman went to Ball State!
In case you were wondering…
That is still no reason to care about this game.
CARDINALS 33-14

Eastern Illinois at Central Michigan
I don’t care what anybody says, I still think “Chippewas” sounds like a fungal infection.
CHIPPEWAS 28-17

Indiana State at Eastern Michigan
Why did Indiana State name their team the “Sycamores”?
Is THAT particular tree suppose to frighten you more than another species of hardwood?
Never Mind…
EAGLES 38-10

Hofstra at Connecticut
I will never understand why a group of yankees decided to name their college after a butt rash.
HUSKIES 43-10

Southwest Missouri Baptist at Southeast Missouri State
My Ole Buddy E.J. Junior Coaches at Southwest and that’s good enough for me.
BEARCATS 33-28

Jacksonville State at Georgia Tech
I would watch this game but Midgets are Jousting on Pay-Per-View.
YELLOW JACKETS 38-13

Vanderbilt at Miami (Ohio)
Have you ever seen a Palm tree or Orange tree in Ohio?
They are such poseurs….
COMMODORES 24-17

Carson Newman at Concord
Concord as in the grape?
If the Eagles were playing “Boones Farm” I might feel different.
SPARKS EAGLES 38-10

Eastern Kentucky at Cincinnati
The Colonels will be reduced to Private First Class by the Third Quarter…
BEARKATS 34-13 

Charleston Southern at Miami
Why Charleston Southern you may ask?
Because the Clown College was already scheduled to play Florida State.
HURRICANES 41-6 

Wake Forest at Baylor
There is no truth to the rumor that Jimmy Swaggart will be the Demon Deacon mascot at home games this year. But it hasn’t stopped me from spreading it.
DEMON DEACONS 24-10

South Dakota State at Iowa State
The History of Waffles are on the Food Channel or I would watch this one.
CYCLONES 34-10

Oregon State at Stanford
I will not stoop to making off-color Beaver jokes this early in the season.
When there is always next week…
BEAVERS 24-16

North Carolina State at South Carolina
The Wolfpack have a new coach and a new look on offense…..
GAMECOCKS 27-23

Friday, August 29th

Temple at Army
This game will be like watching old people eat a cheap steak…
At first its funny and then it’s just sad…
BLACK KNIGHTS 3-2

Southern Methodist at Rice
My Once Proud Ponies are for real this year….Believe it.
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Saturday, August 30th

Youngstown State at Ohio State
If you think what the folks in Canada do to baby seals is bad…
Then you don’t want to see what the Buckeyes have in store for a bunch of Penguins.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-10

Akron at Wisconsin
What’s with naming a team “The Zips”?
Is that short for Zippers?
What does the announcer say? The Zippers are down in the first quarter…
That is just disgusting…
THE POWER OF CHEESE WHIZ 33-13

Virginia Tech at East Carolina
Doesn’t Lou Holtz’s son Coach at East Carolina?
That’s good enough for me…
HOKIES 89-0 

Coastal Carolina at Penn State
Interesting Fact: “Chanticleer” is Latin for, “A prostitute for a university or college athletic department. Willing to get the living hell beat out of you for a payday or paycheck for the university general fund.”
Coincidence? I think not…
JO PA’S LIONS 44-3

Bowling Green at Pittsburgh
I would LOVE to watch this game but the Muppets are re-enacting the Battle of New Orleans on PBS.
PANTHERS 27-17

Syracuse at Northwestern
I don’t care and neither should you.
WILDCATS 3-2

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously, nobody cares.

Western Kentucky at Indiana
If this was a basketball game it might actually be worth watching.
It isn’t…….so don’t.
HOOSIERS 24-13

Maine at Iowa
Why? My point exactly…
HAWKEYES 34-10

Georgia Southern at Georgia
I have only four simple words to say about this game…
How Bout Them Dawgs!!!!!
BIG DAWGS 31-14

Hawaii at Florida
I think the Hawaii mascot looks like Jimmy “Super Fly” Snuka….
On Meth…
MIGHTY GATORS 38-10

Southern California at Virginia
IF only this game was last year…..It would have been different.
TROJAN$ 43-21

EDITORS NOTE: What ever happened to the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and Southern California? Just wondering….

Villianova at West Virginia
What I wouldn’t give to have a second hand furniture store in Morgantown…
I would have more money than Ernest Tubb…
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 44-6

Utah at Michigan
Wolverine fans, I have some good news and some bad news.
The Bad news is that the Utah football team is better than you think..
The Other Bad news is that Coach Rod’s wife is going to “perform” at halftime…
Sorry, I really don’t have any good news…
WOLVERINES 24-23

Oklahoma State at Washington State
I like Coach Gundy. He can damn sure Cowboy up!
COWBOYS 24-20 

Towson at Navy
I have so many questions about this game…
What the hell is a “Towson”?
Why does Navy have a goat as a mascot?
Will William Shatner release an album of Donna Summer songs this year?
MIDSHIPMEN 28-17

Delaware at Maryland
What is the deal with calling your team the “Fighting Blue Hens”?
It didn’t scare Col. Sanders and it won’t scare the Ninja Turtles…
FIGHTING TERPS 28-23

Tulsa at UAB
I also don’t understand why the folks at University of Alabama – Birmingham named their team the “Blazers” and have a Dragon for a mascot. I have NEVER seen a Dragon in Birmingham Alabama: EVER.
But I did have this blind date once there….Never mind.
GOLDEN HURRICANES 31-17

Illinois State at Marshall
No Redbird can stand up to a Thundering Herd…
It’s a rule…
THUNDERING HERD 27-10

Appalachian State at LSU
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!
Sorry, that was last years ASU headline pick…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-17

McNeese State at North Carolina
I knew a McNeese once…
Jeremy McNeese used to dress up in his grandmothers clothes and light things on fire.
I think he gets out on parole in 2015…never mind.
TAR HEELS 34-14

Texas Christian at New Mexico
Life teaches us many odd lessons…
Like for example, I know a lot of TCU alumni.
Everyone of them is good as gold and a hell of a lot of fun.
I have met two New Mexico graduates recently and both of them are horses asses.   
Enough said…
HORNED FROGS 31-24

Mississippi State at Louisiana Tech
Coach Croom’s Bulldogs are the only REAL Dogs in this fight.
CROOMS DOGS 27-17

Chattanooga at Oklahoma
By the time the folks from Chattanooga hear, “Oooo Say can you see….”
They will down by two touchdowns…
BOOMER SOONERS 54-10

Louisiana Monroe at Auburn
What the hell is Monroe thinking?
WAR EAGLES 38-13

Florida Atlantic at Texas
By the time this one is over Florida will wish they were in the Pacific…
LONGHORNS 34-10

Eastern Washington at Texas Tech
There are few things as enjoyable as a Saturday afternoon in Lubbock…
Have I mentioned that it’s the home of Buddy Holly?
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 44-17

Florida International at Kansas
I think the folks from “International” come to Kansas so they can flaunt their sophistication…
JAYHAWKS 33-17

Western Illinois at Arkansas
This is going to be uglier than Prom Night at the School for the Blind.
RAZORBACKS 54-3

Northern Illinois at Minnesota
Why are Minnesota’s Gophers Golden?
Are they richer than our Gophers?
Does the fact that their Gophers are Golden somehow make them better than us?
I hate arrogant groundhogs…
GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-20

Memphis at Ole Miss
This game is the Battle for the Elvis….
I think the winner gets a Velvet Poster of Elvis…
Before he discovered complex carbohydrates…
REBELS 24-21

Western Michigan at Nebraska
Coach Bo will have the Big Red Machine in High gear for this one…
Believe it…
HUSKERS 38-10

Arkansas State at Texas A&M
The Indians haven’t had this much trouble since the Federal government showed up and said…
“Sign Here”….
GIG EM AGGIES 33-13

Southern University at Houston
The Cougars are Loaded this year….and
Southern has a wonderful Liberal Arts Program…
Enough said…
COUGARS 31-7

Louisiana Lafayette at Southern Miss
Just for the record…
I am STILL upset about Coach Jeff Bowers leaving USM…
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-10

North Texas at Kansas State
I would really enjoy watching this game…
 But VH1 is having a “Special” on David Hasselhoff: The Man, The Myth, The Music.
Times like this I wish I had TIVo.
WILDCATS 24-14

Tennessee Martin at South Florida
I think Martin is going to get a South Florida ass whipping…
NO BULL 34-10

Boston College at Kent State
I cannot in good conscience…
Pull for a school known for anti-war protesting and National Guard bullet traps…
EAGLES 28-10

Michigan State at California
The Spartans will keep this closer than you might think…a lot closer. 
O’ So Golden Bears 20-17 

Idaho State at Boise State
“Famous Potatoes” gets Mashed…film at Eleven.
BRONCOS 38-7

Illinois at Missouri
MO Knows Football……….
MO’s TIGERS 28-17

Northern Arizona at Arizona State
What do you get if you win this “Big” instate game?
A cactus and free maid service for a week?
SUN DEVILS 31-14

Washington at Oregon
Where is Coach James when you need him…?
QUACKERS 3-2

Idaho at Arizona
Everytime I hear about Idaho, I remember this girl from High School named Ida.
Never mind….
WILDCATS 20-10

Alabama and Clemson
NO Cream Puff Game Here….
THIS is HOW you start a Season…
Clemson has one of the Very Best Quarterbacks in the Nation…
The Tigers have a returning Offense and Defense that is second to none… 
I Dearly love my adopted Clemson Tiger Family.
You all know who you are….
I wish I was tailgating with you all right now..
Win, Lose or Draw…we are still family.

CRIMSON TIDE 27-24

Sunday, August 31st

Kentucky at Louisville
This game is alot like going to my wife’s family reunion in Eastern Kentucky..
There is bitterness, cussing and fighting….followed by hard feelings.
Never mind. This game is EXACTLY like her family reunion.
CARDINALS 27-23 

Colorado State at Colorado
While I am on the subject of my wife’s family…
Please be sure and watch my sister-in-law “run” onto the field as the Colorado mascot “Ralphie”..
Hey, I am NOT Complaining! We are just glad she is working…
BUFFALOS 31-28

Monday September 1st

Fresno State at Rutgers
If you really care about this game….
Then you probably didn’t have enough to drink during the earlier games..
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 23-17

Tennessee at UCLA
This game is like trying to decide who to pull for in a War between Iran and Syria….
VOWELS 31-17

Your Weekly Email Q&A and Team News will be presented on Sunday.
Only 5 Days until Kickoff…..

Enjoy the Games!

RTR
MEB