Despite the fact I don’t put a lot of faith in the college football “recruiting process” as a whole,
I know many of you would like Your Favorite College Football Prognosticators opinion on the latest recruiting news.

So here goes…..

When I hear any member of the national sports media declare the “Recruiting National Championship”…
It makes me want to retch.

And I’ll tell you why…..

Yes it’s important to have good players attend your university…
But it’s equally important to have good kids with character that are willing to be coached attend your school.

That being said, it’s also important to have coaches who can and will work patiently with those kids…
Because that is what they are: kids

The college football world is littered with big names coming out of high school that started out with great expectations..
Only to sizzle out like a cheap Chinese firecracker.

Once promising careers, over before they got started.

You are thinking of a few of those names as we speak aren’t you?
I know I am…

But if you ask me who I thought did the best in recruiting this year, after all that’s why you are reading this article, right?
I will tell you..

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED

Before we get into all that……
I want to comment on Stewart Mandel’s article in Sport’s Illustrated who declared….
“The University of Southern California Trojans will be playing in the 2012 National Championship game”
Based on what the magazines resident Trojan lover gushingly assumes is the greatest pool of talent ever assembled in all of college football.

My comment is simply this……
Wasn’t Stewart the same gibbering idiot that said after the Trojans defeated the Buckeyes last year;
“Pencil the Trojans into the National Championship game, they are on their way to Pasadena!”

Stewart really knows how to put the “Dumb” in “Ass”, doesn’t he?

Now let’s talk college football recruiting for a moment.

You know who did well and who did “surprisingly” well recruiting this year..
So I won’t waste your time and space rehashing what the recruiting services said
or discussing the “amazing” qualities of high school kids who haven’t taken a snap in college football yet.

But you want to know who I thought did the best in recruiting this year, right?

The Might Clemson Tigers and I will tell you why.

Clemson Coach Dabo Swinney honored a scholarship the Tigers offered to a high school linebacker a year ago…
Who will never play a down in Death Valley.

Jake Nicolopulos was a wonderfully gifted, talented linebacker from Anderson South Carolina.
He was fast, hard hitting and a good student at T. L. Hanna High School about twenty minutes from Clemson.

Jake had accepted a scholarship to play for the Clemson Tigers a year ago
and it was the culmination of a life long dream to play in Death Valley.

Jake had a stroke in December.

Jake couldn’t talk or write, or even walk after major surgery to relieve the pressure on his brain.
Jakes’ parents, Craig and mother Ann, were told by doctors their son might not survive.
But he did make it, assisted by surgery that removed part of his skull cap to relieve pressure on his brain.
His father said it was stored in his abdomen and will eventually be reattached to his head.

Immediately after word of Jakes condition reached the Tigers, Clemson athletic director Terry Don Phillips pledged to Swinney
the players’ scholarship would be honored and maintained.

“He will be a part of this family,” Coach Swinney said.

Swinney and his other assistant coach’s tracked Jakes progress during his hospital stay in Anderson..
then as he was moved to Shepherd Center in Atlanta, a facility that specializes in medical treatment, research and rehabilitation for people with spinal cord and brain injuries.
Swinney and his assistant coach’s visited Jake soon after the stroke when the teenager could not speak and only had control of the left side of his body.
They presented him with a No. 9 Clemson jersey with his name on the back.
“He clutched that thing and pulled it right up to his face with his good hand,” Assistant Coach Brad Scott said.
“I’ll never, ever forget that.”

Two months later he had improved enough to sign his National Letter of Intent with Coach Swinney

Slowly, Jake has learned to walk.
His speech has increased, although Craig acknowledged there are many long days of work ahead.

Jake has started his second stage of rehab – six-to-eight weeks of outpatient physical therapy in Atlanta.
He might need speech therapy after that before returning to Anderson and a future at Clemson.
“This is realized dream for him that he achieved, that he earned,” Swinney said.
“God had a little bit of a different plan for him.
But I don’t have doubt at all Jake Nicolopulos will make an impact at Clemson.”

He already has Coach, he already has.

Coach Swinney and the Clemson Tigers reminded us all college football is more than a game.

It’s about Character

It’s about Patience

It’s about Life

RTR

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL WIZARD

Hell yeah it’s me!

The Number Damn One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Planet!

It’s Hootie “Mad as Hell” Snitch

Hell yes I’m Mad!

You want to know why?

Cause everything done got turned upside down!!

First that damn dope smoking California Loving Coach Lame Kitten..
Done ditched us faster than a supermodel on a blind date with a one eyed midget.

Not to mention I went and done gave Lame and his whole damn Zima drinking coaching staff
“free two –for-one coupons” at Snitch’s Bar and Grill for all the Possum wings and Muskrat Nuggets they could eat.

I bet that SOB took them coupons with him when he left too!

I call that ungrateful as Hell!

Now there might be some cussing in this one, so you might not want your young’uns a reading this episode.

And if that ain’t bad enough…..

Two of my waitresses at my restaurant Snitch’s Bar and Grill….
Who just so happened to be Tennessee Hostesses for “recruiting purposes” done went and got arrested.

But I’ll get to that in a minute I ain’t done with Lame “Ass” Kitten, not by a damn sight.

The University of Tennessee done went and gave him the highest salaried staff in the whole Southeastern Conference
and the highest budget in all of damn college football to recruit football players.

Guess what he done?

Not a damn thing but almost bankrupt the athletic department!

He spent that money faster than the federal government!

The University covered up his partying with coeds off campus

We all forgave him for running his mouth and acting like a damn ass….

We turned a deaf ear when he said there weren’t no good high school football players in the state of Tennessee.
I ain’t going to lie, that one flat pissed me off.

We gave him a pass when his damn assistants acted like over age and over weight Chippendale dancers taking their shirts off to try and impress recruits.
I wasn’t going to say nothing about it….
But that was so gay I believe if Boy George drove by and saw that a going on
Even he would holler out the window “By God that IS Gay!”

We even got his recruits into our college, even when they couldn’t spell cat if you spotted them the “C” and the damn “T”

Some of them boys he recruited are dumber than a sack full of dog turds and I ain’t even joking about that.

If you think I’m a wrong
Then why in the hell would you rob somebody with all your Tennessee Football gear on in Knoxville?
Why didn’t that boy and them other football players…
Just show them people they was fixing to rob their student I D’s before they tried to car jack them?

And the University covered up his car accident too.

My Momma was the one that towed his car….
By the way yawl need to call that International Tow Truck Hall of Fame, Museum and Gift Shop and tell them to put my Momma in that Hall of Fame!

Anyway Momma said when she went to tow Lame’s car he was so drunk he couldn’t hit the ground with his hat.
She said it and my Momma don’t lie!

Remember when….
Lame said all that mess about “wanting to embrace the traditions of Tennessee” and “Singing Rocky Top all night long after we beat Florida”?

Well at least I can say he was consistent, cause he didn’t do any of those damn things.

Then after all of that….
He don’t have the common decency to have a press conference longer that a damn minute to thank us for everything we done for him?

And where did Ole Lame “Ass Kitten” go too?
He run off to the weakest college football conference in the damn country!
I know them media types slobber over them Southern California Trojans
Like people at a Weight Watchers meeting over a Nutty Buddy, but the facts is facts.

Most of them teams out west couldn’t beat Maryville Tennessee High School.

Fact is, he couldn’t compete with the Big Boys in the S-E-C and that’s how I see it.

Now that I about got that out of my system, I got one more thing to say about this subject.

Just for the record I thought those black football jerseys were dumber than hell.

Now about the arrest of my waitresses and “former” Tennessee hostesses for “recruiting purposes”…
Yawl probably heard about it, right?

Here is a what the newspaper said about it, then I will tell you the “real” facts.

JANUARY 28–Two Tennessee women who accused a man of rape have admitted to cops that they had consensually agreed to sex with him in exchange for a pack of cigarettes.
One woman told investigators that the duo filed a phony police report because they “didn’t enjoy the sex,” according to cops.
Jessica Kathleen Alexander, 18, and Tammy Nicole Ortega, 29, were arrested today for filing a false police report.

Here are the real facts, first; they never said what kind of cigarettes they was trading for?

Was it Marlboro Reds in the Box?
Because that changes “everything”, know what I mean?
Because I know for a fact, them girls don’t smoke no generic brand.

Second the police should take them girls word for what happened
Because of them being University of Tennessee hostesses “for recruiting purposes”.

And thirdly, why does everybody want to pick on the good looking women?
I will tell you why, damn jealousy that’s why!
I am willing to bet the keys to Snitch’s Bar and Grill…
That this whole damn thing is driven by jealousy cause these gals are so damn good looking.

If they wasn’t good looking, then why was they University of Tennessee hostesses “for recruiting purposes”?

I rest my case.

Glad I could clear that up for everybody.

More later on Tennessee’s new football Coach from Snitch’s Bar and Grill.

Hootie – Out!

Glad you enjoyed the first installment of the 2010 College Football News
And as promised…

The follow on installment for your viewing pleasure..

If you enjoyed the first article, then this should hit your funny bone in just the right place

But before I leave you to your reading…

You did get the memo that the “World is Coming to an End”

Right?

In case you didn’t get the email….
It simply says ….

The New Orleans Saints are going to the Super Bowl….

Hell has indeed frozen over….

Enjoy …..

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA….SELF PUNISHMENT

As you know I don’t mix my sports together but this was too good not to mention.

So the “other” O.J. from the University of Southern California Trojans

EDITORS NOTE: By the above statement I am referring to the O.J. that didn’t
murder his wife and young waiter friend, just so we are clear on that…

That caused so many problems by admitting (Sort of) to accepting money to play basketball for the Trojans
which subsequently got his Coach fired…..

Remember him?

EDITORS NOTE: Again…..
This is not a reference to the O.J. that murdered two people in southern California
and was able to walk away because a jury of idiots let him loose on the streets.

Well the University of Southern California decided they would “punish” themselves over their indiscretions and guess what?
The NCAA said that was “A O.K.” with them

If you are wondering why that is such a big deal…

It’s because that NEVER happened before in the South…

As in NEVER…….EVER….

Coach Bobby Bowden and Florida State can I get an Amen?

Clemson?

Southern Methodist University?

Kentucky?

Auburn?

Florida State?

Texas A&M?

Oklahoma State?

Alabama?

Georgia?

No “SELF PUNISHMENT” allowed for any of these Southern schools
BUT the University of Southern California can get a pass and a slap on the wrist…

All because O.J…..

EDITORS NOTE: Just a reminder….
This is in no way a reference to the O.J. from the Southern California Trojans that MURDERED two people and got away with it…
Due in large part to the preponderance of fools in the Los Angeles area who showed up for jury duty.

I am convinced the University of Southern California Trojans are in bed with the NCAA and collectively they couldn’t spell justice and fairness
If you spotted them the “I’s and the S’s”

But I do have one question related to the Trojan Football program…
How do you plan on “Self Punishing” this….

FOXSPORTS – ESPN – ABC SPORTS – CBS SPORTS

You all just can’t bring yourselves to report anything negative on the Trojans?

Can you?

Not after Lame Kitten and his staff put the screws to Tennessee
and left them hanging while stealing their recruits and nearly bankrupting their athletic budget?

Not even after that?

What about Lame’s history of NCAA recruiting violations at Tennessee
and how maybe that won’t fit well with the ongoing NCAA “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Trojans?

Nothing?

Your not going to report on Lame’s “car accident” while he was with the Volunteers?

You may not want to report anything on the Trojans….

But everybody knows…..
Take for example last week’s NFC Championship game with network prognosticator and comedian Frank Caliendo
imitating Jack Nicholson, giving his prediction for the game.
In the course of his prediction concerning the New Orleans Saints
He said: “Did you see the way Reggie Bush played last week?
He has not played that well since he signed his first professional contract to play for U$C”

Enough said….

THE WHITE HOUSE

So now the White House wants
To “examine” the legitimacy of the Bowl Championship Series.
They might as well, I mean it’s not like we have anything else going on…..
With two wars, an economy that is a popcorn fart away from collapse and unemployment that is rising faster than a hot air balloon.

I am convinced our government could screw up a two car funeral

NCAA EMAIL…..

Email intercepted from NCAA search committee for Myles Brands successor

Mr Ray,
There isn’t much being made in the media about our search for a successor for Mr Myles Brand.
I feel as if our search committee is being slighted by the lack of coverage.
We have decided to “leak” a couple of names to the press in order to generate publicity for the NCAA.
Judge Judy: A no nonsense legal eagle who could easily reign in the malcontents who incessantly complain about everything from referee calls to scheduling.
She would be able to stave off attacks by the Stoop’s & Spurrier’s of the coaching ranks with caustic wit and her forceful nature.
William Shatner: Everybody still remembers him from Star Trek.
Who better to lead this organization into the future than a Starship Commander?
We have a couple of other names in mind should the need arise: Jeff Probst from Survivor & Jet Li of action film fame.
However, we’ll hold these names until the need arises
Search Committee
NCAA

EDITORS NOTE: I guess Hitler was unavailable for an interview…

FLORIDA STATE

As we all know the Seminoles traded Saint Bobby for a Jimbo

But I have to ask…..

So you promoted the offensive coordinator who couldn’t put more than ten whopping points on the Gators to be your Head Coach?

Ah, Ok…..

TIM TEBOW and THE SUPER BOWL ADD

THE WIZARDS COMMENTARY

I just read an article in which the National Organization for Women, the Women’s Media Center of New York, the Feminist Majority and others
do not approve of an ad sponsored by Focus on the Family that recounts the difficult pregnancy of Pam Tebow when she was carrying Tim Tebow.
Because of the problems she had with her pregnancy, she was advised to have an abortion.
She didn’t heed the advice.

The Women’s Media Center describes Focus on the Family as “anti-equality, anti-choice, and homophobic” and claims…..
CBS will damage their reputation by airing the ad. Huh?
It sounds like if you’re anti-equality, anti-choice, and homophobic, then you’re probably a conservative.
Isn’t most of America really, deep down, conservative?
Don’t they really mean that if you don’t agree with them and don’t fall in lock-step with their views that you’re an unenlightened Neanderthal, incapable of logical thought?
That’s liberal enlightenment, if I ever heard it.

It also sounds like the fine folks at the NCAA, doesn’t it?

The president of the National Organization for Women claims that the ad would be “extraordinarily offensive and demeaning” to women. Huh?
You mean if you make ads ONLY for abortion, etc then no one should find that offensive.
I guess if you even have thoughts and ideas contrary to what they believe then you’re a bad, neo-con, Nazi. Riiiiiight.
Who are the real Nazi’s, the ones that want to suppress free thought or the ones who will express a thought counter to what the liberal socialists think no matter how much ridicule it brings.

I ask you?

USC VERSES USC

As you may have read the University of Southern California took the University of South Carolina to court over the “trademark” of their respective symbols
more specifically the interlocking initials of their U-S-C.

“Mister” Edelman the attorney for Southern California had these professional words to say concerning the dispute….

“Sports logo registrations are not limited to use in team colors, so there was potential for South Carolina merchandise to be mistaken for that of (Southern Cal), Edelman said.
He also suggested that the letters were more deservedly linked to the Trojans’ warrior image than to “a goofy little chicken.”
“I think they wanted to move away from the gamecock logo,” Edelman said of the University of South Carolina. “Something that is totally understandable.”

I ask you dear readers, how in the hell do you get these two symbols confused?

My take on this dispute is simple….
Listen closely Gamecock faithful….
Tell the University of Southern California and the Court to kiss your Gamecock ass.

Keep your USC symbol as it is….

TENNESSEE

It has been reported that Phil Fulmer assisted the University of Tennessee in finding the replacement for Lame Kitten.

It was further reported Phil had this to say concerning his “duties”

He stated he was ready to help make “one of the most important decisions” in the program’s history.
He also said the next coach should embrace Tennessee traditions, be mature and have integrity.

By using terms like “traditions” and “integrity” does Phil mean protecting rapist and other criminals on the team, while concocting conspiracies against your rivals?

Does it mean changing grades and inventing “walking classes” for athletes?

Or does it mean having a six percent graduation rate for your student athletes?

Maybe it means having your own personal attorney “represent” those thugs on the team
that beat up a female student that refused to do his homework and the athletes that beat up and permanently disfigured a male student at a basketball game.

I hope for the University of Tennessee, that wasn’t what he meant.

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Sir –
You appear from your writing to be an educated man with some sense of worldliness”
So I ask you this question in hopes you will assist me in my quest for justice.
Recently I purchased a women’s brief case, yet upon arriving back at my apartment and opening the case I noticed there were no women’s undergarments inside.
I attempted to get my money back after vehemently complaining to the proprietor and accusing him of “false advertisement” since there were no ladies briefs anywhere in the case, but to no avail.
In fact they ridiculed me as I left the establishment in disgust!
So I ask you sir, Do I have a clear cut case of False Advertisement or not?
Thomas – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: Tom, do you live in your Grandmothers’ basement and dress up in her clothes?
I’m just asking before I dispense any expert legal advice…

Q: Mister Wizard, we were all sorry to hear you didn’t get the opportunity to attend the National Championship game this year in beautiful southern California!
We were in hopes you would have the opportunity to attend one of our many diversity classes here at the Pasadena Community College, just around the corner from the world famous Rose Bowl.
In fact we have an interactive history class which would have been perfect for you!
It’s called the “Boston Tea Party Massacre Story”……
The class opens with Abraham Lincoln freeing the wrongly imprisoned Asian Americans from World War II interment camps, and establishing a coalition of partners to rebuild the Aztecs Empire after the United States military mistakenly carpet bombed them.
Meanwhile Millard Fillmore and Jimmy Carter, perhaps two of our country’s greatest leaders, destroy hundreds of Lipton Tea Bags in Boston Harbor in protest over America’s treatment of Cuba; Gloria Estefan will provide the theme music for this particular portion of the class and the award winning documentary director Michael Moore has gladly offered his services to direct the group towards the truth.
We have the entire class available on CD, would you like for us to send you a copy?
Dr. Emilio Jose T. Ricardo- Pasadena, California

A: I have but one comment on your letter Doctor
How dare you drag Gloria Estefan into your twisted world!
That woman is a national treasure!

Q: Sir, I know this is “slightly” off the college football subject…
But I know you love BBQ, so I need to ask….
How can you tell the moment you walk into a BBQ joint if it’s going to be any good?
Jim – New Iberia, Louisiana

A: College Football and BBQ go together like peas and carrots; so don’t worry about asking a question like that here. You came to the right place….
As you may know I am a bit of an “expert” when it comes to BBQ….
That being said Jim….
I look for two things right off the bat in a BBQ joint..
One…
When you walk in, you should be able to smell that smoky goodness…..
Two…
If the place has a Jukebox and Conway Twitty is playing when you walk in…
You are home…
(More on my highly scientific process later…)

Q: Greetings and Salutations Mister Wizard!
I have followed your articles concerning college football “live” mascots very closely.
Why you may ask?
Because I have the next “live” mascot for the University of South Carolina!
I have raised a rooster that I call “El Uno Con Grande Talentos”
(The one with the Large Talons)
Just imagine…..
As El Uno Con Grande Talentos enters William Brice Stadium….
Everyone in the stadium will be wearing festive hats and blowing party horns and screaming “Viva El Uno Con Grande Talentos!” “Viva El Uno Con Grande Talentos!”
Then for the finale…..The Carolina Cheerleaders can come on to the field and shout
“Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole!” While wearing festive sombreros and pulling a burro!
What do you think?
Jose – Conway, South Carolina

A: Jose you are aware this is “College football” and not bullfighting, right?

Q: Well Mister Wizard you have had quite a Year!
Your beloved Crimson Tide are the National Champions!
Southern California is in disarray as is the NCAA and Notre Dame…
Is there anything you “didn’t” get for Christmas this year?
Melinda –Bay City, Texas

A: I am very fortunate and blessed Melinda, that’s for sure.
And certainly I have had nearly every wish granted to me this year in college football.
So I have no complaints…
But If I could have but one more wish….
I wish a herd of rabid possums would attack and eat Jon and Kate and all eight of what ever the hell they are.
I am sick of hearing about those idiots
Q: So Mister Wizard, do you have any big plans before Spring Football starts?
Perhaps a vacation?
Just wondering….
The Rogers Family – Omaha, Nebraska

A: Great question and thank you for asking Rogers family.
This “off season” I will use my time to finalize my court case against the popular restaurant chain “Cracker Barrel”.
I am in the process of suing the popular chain because quite simply….
Every time I see the name it reminds me I am white….
I mean seriously, what’s next “Honky Bucket”?
No this discrimination has got to Stop!
Either that or they may pay me 12 million dollars for my “pain” and “suffering” and we can call it even.

Q: What is the deal with Mark May of ESPN!
You have been right about him all along!
My wife and I got a chance to meet him recently at a promotion for Home Depot..
They are the sponsor of the ESPN College Game Day Set, and Lord have mercy!
You want to talk about some bad breath!
Mark May’s breath smelled like ass and boiled cabbage!
It made my wife’s eyes water!
I am telling you his breath smells like my Saint Bernard’s butt!
Anyway…..
Thanks for telling us about Mark May, we should have listened to you.
Doug and Karen Shipley – Paducah, Kentucky

A: Actually Mr. and Mrs. Shipley I said Mark May was “full of crap”, I never said his breath smelled like it too.

Q: Hey Mister Smart Ass!
We Tennessee Fans don’t appreciate it one damn bit you making fun of Coach Drooly with them funny pictures!
First things first, he come from “real” coaching stock, in case you hadn’t heard his daddy was THE Coach Drooly from the University of Georgia!
Ever heard of him?
Second, he was coaching at a school that was right up the road from them LSU Tigers, and they never played him, you want to know why?
Cause they is scared of Coach Drooly, that’s why!
Third, he ain’t from California so that makes him ok in our book!
So Lay off Coach Drooly!
Slim and Scooter Watkins – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: With names like “Slim and Scooter” I can only hope one of you aren’t anorexic and the other is on a Hover Round scooter,
but that being said, I was going to correct you on the name of your new coach, but frankly I am laughing too hard.

Post Season Thanks….

In my National Championship euphoria I failed to thank my sponsors and all the fine people
that not only help with this article week after week throughout the season…..
But encourage me to keep writing.
There are truly too many people to thank here…
But in no particular order I need to acknowledge a few people….
I couldn’t type a single word or have it posted without the amazingly talented Dennis
who is the single greatest webmaster on planet earth.
Thank you Dennis, you sir are the man.
I want to thank Big Paul, Matt and Hank and the Charleston “A-Team” for great ideas, tremendous humor, invaluable contributions and friendship.
Thank you to my “Royal” Family of Alabama….
The Princess, Miss Kaye and Christy, whose humor, encouragement and kindness have kept me writing, I love you ladies.
To my adopted Clemson Family
Thank you so very much for everything, I truly miss and love you all.
My Deepest Gratitude to Bulldog Jim and the Mississippi State Bulldog faithful for all their encouragement and kind words.
Many Thanks goes to my other Carolina family, Beaver Jim, Susan and the Aiken Crew for your contributions, ideas and tremendous sense of humor.
Thank you to Eric and the rest of the Oak Ridge Boys.
Many Thanks to Lee and his beautiful Texas bride, I owe you my friend.
To my family in Baja Alabama
Deke, Steve, Seminole Puddly, Arkansas Dave, Reece and Eric and the many others…
You all got me started, provided great humor, ideas and encouragement throughout the years.
I can never thank you all enough.

I owe a depth of gratitude to Col J and the Husker Nation.
You encouraged me to keep writing when I wasn’t feeling it, I thank you sir.

To all my overseas readers and contributors, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I also want to thank the fine people at the Stony Brook Chalets in Gatlinburg

Drop by for a weekend and relax or plan a vacation with them, you won’t be disappointed.
Tell Pam and Ed your favorite college football prognosticator sent you.

http://stonybrooklodging.com/

And lastly…

As long as you continue to enjoy it, I’ll keep writing.

That’s why I do it…

Thank you all

NEXT WEEK..

The Number One Tennessee Fan on the planet
will have his commentary and comments later this week about Lame Kitten and the newest coach to Beacon Hill.

So stay Tuned..

RTR

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL WIZARD

As the sun sets on the end of another year….
It’s time to wrap up the Bowl season
And the National Championship

Safety Tip: For those of you reading this on January 1st……
This column is not written or designed in 3D…..
If you are seeing double
You “may” have had too much of Grandpa’s Couch Medicine last night.

As I set here in my new Urban Myer Flip Flops and prepare to return to Satan’s Butt crack
Wait, I can’t decide if I like these things or not….
Never mind….
I decided I like them…
Or do I?

Never mind….
I will wear one flip flop around for another day and decide if I will keep them.

Before we go any further I want to say
The folks in Lubbock made a bad decision firing Coach Leach..
A Very Bad Decision

You may be wondering what New Year Resolutions I will make this year

My 2010 New Year’s Resolutions are quite simple
This year I will no longer introduce myself as “Gary Busey’s Illegitimate Son”
(But I did enjoy signing all the autographs last year)
I will no longer judge people on their height, weight and color of their eyes.
Instead I will judge people based upon whether or not they like ABBA.
(They suck by the way)
And perhaps most important of all
I intend on taking more time this year to enjoy my extensive collection of…
Herve Villechaize albums of classic Love Songs

These Urban Myer Flip Flops make me jump from subject to subject
Don’t they?
I am taking them off for good….
I changed my mind, I’m keeping them

Have a Great Year my Friends……

Enjoy!

One other thing…..
For you that doubt the soothing power of Herve Villechaize classic Love Songs
Please enjoy the following short clip
And before you ask….
“No” you may not borrow my albums

Click here to view the embedded video.

THE BOWL GAMES

Friday January 1st 2010

OUTBACK BOWL
Tampa Florida
Northwestern and Auburn
With both teams in this game being of the feline variety
I would have thought it more appropriate to have this game
Sponsored by “Tidy Cat”
Never Mind…..
WAR DAMN EAGLE 33-24

CAPITAL ONE BOWL
Orlando Florida
Penn State and LSU
Lions and Tigers O’ My!
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-17

KONICA MINOITA GATOR BOWL
Jacksonville Florida
West Virginia and Florida State
In Honor of Coach Bobby’s last game…
The College Football Hall of Fame will display the legendary Coach’s sideline apparel in a special exhibit honoring the Tallahassee legend.
On display will be Coach Bobby’s Vietcong “Coaches” hat, welding goggles and trousers with a forty inch zipper.
SEMI-NOLES 31-28

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder…..
Considering the title sponsor of this bowl game…
Does the winner of this game get something that looks like a Komodo Dragon?

ROSE BOWL
Pasadena California
The Ohio State and Oregon
The Granddaddy of them all…..
The Ducks can go Quack themselves…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 28-17

ALLSTATE SUGAR BOWL
New Orleans
Florida and Cincinnati
This one will be nothing but Gators…..
Believe it…
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Saturday January 2nd 2010

AT&T COTTON BOWL
Dallas Texas
Oklahoma State and Ole Miss
I had some of the best days of my life in Dallas…..
Not that it really matters here…..
I had a variety of headlines for this game I wanted to use…
“The Prairie Wind touches Ole Miss is a naughty place”
“These Rebels are Nutts”
“You can’t beat Ole Miss Nutts”
But you expect higher standards from me
So I will simply say
NUTTY REBELS 34-24

AUTOZONE LIBERTY BOWL
Memphis Tennessee
East Carolina and Arkansas
The winner of this game gets a free oil change and a tire rotation.
Which is nice…
RAZORBACKS 38-17

INTERNATIONAL BOWL
Toronto Canada
South Florida and Northern Illinois
Let me tell you what I learned about Canada….
When the speed limit signs say “80”
They mean “80 Kilometers an Hour” which equates to about “50 miles per hour”
For those you that may be wondering what “80 miles an hour” is in Kilometers?
It’s 128 Kilometers an Hour, at least that’s what my ticket said.
That’s No Bull
SUNSHINE BULLS 28-24

PAPAJOHNS.COM BOWL
Birmingham Alabama
Connecticut and South Carolina
Did you know when Lou Holtz says “Connecticut” he spits halfway across the room?
STEVE’S GAMECOCKS 38-17

VALERO ALAMO BOWL
San Antonio Texas
Texas Tech and Michigan State
I believe having a Mexican sponsorship for the Alamo Bowl
Is just plain wrong.
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 33-28

Monday January 4th 2010

TOSTITOS FIESTA BOWL
Glendale Arizona
Texas Christian and Boise State
There is only one thing that can be said about this game
It’s going to be a dandy
HORNED FROGS 24-23

Tuesday January 5th 2010

FEDEX ORANGE BOWL
Miami Florida
Georgia Tech and Iowa
As many close games as these two teams have played this year
Don’t you think “Nine Lives Cat Food” should be the sponsor?
Just wondering…
RAMBLING WRECK 31-17

Wednesday January 6th 2010

GMAC BOWL
Mobile Alabama
Central Michigan and Troy
For those fans and alumni of the two schools seeing the local sights before the game
I need to point out that due to a “funding” problem the statue of Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator at the Flora-Bama Lounge has yet to be completed.
I just thought you should know.
CHIPPEWA’S 33-31

Thursday January 7th 2010

THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
Pasadena California
The University of Texas Longhorns and The University of Alabama Crimson Tide
This will be a battle for the ages…..
Lee, It’s two more weeks on the couch for you my friend.
CRIMSON TIDE 33-21

I hope you all have a healthy and happy New Year
Hope to see you all next year

RTR
MEB

It’s the day after Christmas and all through the house……
Hardly a creature is stirring
Not even Aunt Edna and her irritable bowel syndrome

But that doesn’t matter and you really shouldn’t care

Because Uncle Todd is sleeping off his Christmas bender with sweet potato casserole
Still stuck in his hair.

Have no doubt and have no fear…..

For your reading pleasure the second installment of the Bowl games
To include the game in Atlanta with the Volunteers

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas

Enjoy!

THE BOWL GAMES PART II

Saturday December 26th

THE EMERALD NUT BOWL
San Francisco California
Boston College and Southern California
Since this game is in San Francisco…..
Wouldn’t be more appropriate to call it….
The “If you drop your wallet you better kick it to Sacramento before you pick it up Bowl”?
Just wondering….
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 33-31

MEINEKE CAR CARE BOWL
Charlotte North Carolina
North Carolina and Pittsburg
The winner of this game gets a trophy that looks eerily similar to a car muffler.
Coincidence? I think not…..
TAR HEELS 24-21

LITTLE CAESARS BOWL
Detroit Michigan
Ohio and Marshall
I appreciate the fine folks from Caesars Pizza sponsoring this Bowl game…
But this game is in Detroit…
So shouldn’t this game be sponsored by..
A Bullet Proof Vest Company and a Bail Bonds Association?
I’m just saying….
COACH FRANK’S CATS 34-24

Sunday December 27th

GAYLORD HOTELS MUSIC CITY BOWL
Nashville Tennessee
Kentucky and Clemson
Anybody with the name “Gaylord” didn’t go to public school
You can count on that….
DABO’S TIGERS 34-28

Monday December 28th

INDEPENDENCE BOWL
Shreveport Louisiana
Texas A&M and Georgia
I liked this Bowl game a lot better……
When it was called the Weed Eater Independence Bowl
But that’s just me…
I’m Old Fashioned
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS 31-17

Tuesday December 29th

EAGLE BANK BOWL
Washington D.C.
UCLA and Temple
Ah the “Nations Capitol”….
I would feel more comfortable with this game, considering the location…
If it was called the “Marion Berry Crack Pipe Bowl”
My second choice for the name of the Bowl game would be…
“Taxing the Working Class like it’s Cool Bowl”
You get the idea…
BRUINS 28-24

CHAMPS SPORTS BOWL
Orlando Florida
Miami (FL) and Wisconsin
Have you ever seen cheese that’s been left out in the Florida sun?
I am not talking about how it smells here people…
I know your Uncle Todd has been at your house for over a week and my description above is EXACTLY the aroma (if you want to call it that)
Which is currently drifting out of your front closet due to his “favorite shoes”
I am talking about cheese melting….
The Wisconsin Cheese Heads will melt in Orlando……
Believe it…
HURRICANES 38-17

Wednesday December 30th

PACIFIC LIFE HOLIDAY BOWL
San Diego Florida
Nebraska and Arizona
“Pacific Life?”
Don’t they mean…..
“The Media Whores Bowl”
I’m just asking….
CHILDREN OF THE CORN HUSKERS 31-17

ROADY’S HUMANITARIAN BOWL
Boise Idaho
Idaho and Bowling Green
I never knew “Roady” was a Humanitarian?
All these years I thought he just placed speakers and microphones for Lynyrd Skynyrd
Who Knew?
VANDALS 24-17

Thursday December 31st

TEXAS BOWL
Houston Texas
Missouri and Navy
Honestly….
You had me at “Texas”
What I wouldn’t give to be in Houston town on New Years Eve…
MO’S TIGERS 38-21

BELL HELICOPTER ARMED FORCES BOWL
Fort Worth Texas
Air Force and Houston
Ah Fort Worth…..Now that is a fine town.
But……
The mighty Falcons have a problem….
They are playing the Cougars…
Yes, it’s just that simple.
COUGARS 38-21

BRUT SUN BOWL
El Paso Texas
Stanford and Oklahoma
I wish this game was still called “The Sun Bowl”
But I don’t have a problem with calling it the “Brut Sun Bowl”
Lee Marvin and Steve McQueen used Brut….
That’s good enough for me…
CARDINAL 31-28

INSIGHT BOWL
Tempe Arizona
Minnesota and Iowa State
The “Insight” Bowl?
I have some “insight” for you….
Neither one of these teams could beat Hover High School in Alabama
CYCLONES 17-10

CHICK-FIL-A BOWL
Atlanta Georgia
Virginia Tech and Tennessee
As far as I am concerned this is still the Peach Bowl….
But that aside
The Big Chicken Sandwich goes to……
VOWELS 31-24

You will have “another” Bowl Edition out Sunday evening….
It will “Highlight” the Lesser Bowl games of the week….

And the remainder of your Big College Bowl games will be out later in the week….

Before I leave you today…..

How about those Mighty SMU Mustangs!

RTR
MEB

I wrote a Christmas story some years ago about my most memorable Christmas.

It’s called…..
“Christmas on Outer Drive”

Over the years I have only shared this story……..
With a few close friends and a certain member of Alabama royalty.

I am not sure why I decided to share this with you all now…..

But I hope you enjoy it….
If you enjoy it, share it with whoever you like…

Merry Christmas my friends

RTR
MEB

CHRISTMAS ON OUTER DRIVE

It was Christmas 1962, when America didn’t have a clue what a Vietnam was
and most women were more concerned about which hat Jackie would wear during the holidays than they were about world politics.

Even at the ripe old age of four this wonderful foster family provided by the state that was kind enough to explain to me that Santa Claus…
Ole Saint Nick to you and me, didn’t visit children without a mommy and daddy.
Those were the “bad” children; that’s why their mommies and daddies left them with the state.
Made sense to me at the time; so, it goes without saying that my expectations were not very high this holiday season.

Imagine my surprise when Miss Connie, who lived next door in the duplex……
told me that she was “sure” that Santa was going to drop off a present for me at her house.
She would bring it over to me on Christmas day. What? Could this be true?
I couldn’t hide my excitement or stop talking about Santa’s generosity.
The whole concept of Santa Claus was beyond my ability to comprehend.
But yet, I was able to grasp the idea of a “special” gift created just for me and built by elf’s working at union wage at the North Pole.
Go figure.

I have been exposed to various family Christmas traditions throughout my extensive tour of state homes over the years before I had grown up.
However, this particular family enjoyed opening a variety of packages on Christmas Eve and saving a select few……
Along with Santa’s delivery, to open on Christmas morning.

On this Christmas Eve I was a very disinterested observer.
Despite the fact I wasn’t going to get any gifts, after all it was pointed out in advance, that “taking me in” and feeding me was “gift enough”.
I wanted to speed up the whole process; move on to Christmas morning…..
So I could get whatever wonderful item Santa would leave me at Miss Connie and Mister Ken’s house.
Could you blame me?

I remember these events with perfect clarity, recalling the scents and colors of the scene around me.
I can recall the feeling of unbridled enthusiasm of Santa’s impending arrival and the personal torment of a child wondering what he had done to make his parents not want him.

But I need to get back to the subject.
Somewhere during the course of the evening with my foster family……..
With the sound of tearing wrapping paper and empty boxes mixed with the laughter of the adults and their biological child, underneath the shimmering Christmas tree,,,,,
I took it upon myself to commit the ultimate breach in Christmas etiquette.

I was entrusted with prior knowledge of a special gift intended for the master of the house.
As he ever so slowly began the process of unwrapping his “special” gift…..
He also, began the “What did you get me?” game, which I was totally unfamiliar with at this particular time.

I cannot recall if I was exasperated with the speed of the deliberations
or I was attempting to be helpful with the questions from the master of the house.
It may have been a combination of the two.
But regardless of my reasoning….
During the guessing game conducted by the master of the house with his “real” family,
I suddenly and without warning blurted out, “It’s a Tool Box”.

It was as if someone pulled the plug to the volume control.
I have never heard a room go from the bustle and excitement of Christmas, with the tearing of packages and all the electricity that comes with the moment….
To complete silence in a micro second.

I was now the total focus of everyone’s attention.
Which is never a good thing.

Total disgust from the gallery of observers was matched by the murderous expression displayed by the man of the house.
He slowly stood from his chair, stepping over the remnants of packages and his “tool box”.
The only sound I heard were his feet making contact with several pieces of wrapping paper.

He made approximately four strides that seem to take forever to complete in my minds eye.
He bent slowly, until our nose’s nearly touched.
I can smell the spent Pall-Mall’s on his breathe and the sticky sweet smell of, what I now recognize as, Southern Comfort.
Daniel in the Lions Den had nothing on me……

Between clenched teeth he told me that I had ruined Christmas for the whole family.
To be honest, I had figured that much out on my own at this point.
However what I did not anticipate, which to this day baffles me…..
Particularly considering my highly evolved survival skills, is what transpired next.

He struck me so fast on my face with his open hand that I wasn’t quite sure that I had been hit.
However, all doubt left my mind when my buttocks and shoulders made contact with the floor.
I remember the embarrassment of being knocked down, as opposed to the pain of the blow.
It’s funny what you remember sometimes…..

I immediately rolled my body into a ball, in anticipation of being kicked and I wasn’t disappointed.
Fortunately, he was barefooted and didn’t put a lot into it, or use his heel.
After a couple of kicks in quick succession I was told to get up and go to bed, while the rest of the “real” family continued with their holiday celebrations.

Excitement overshadowed any pain that I may have experienced thinking about Santa’s subsequent arrival ….
And my gift to be left with Miss Connie and I drifted off to sleep.
I woke before dawn on Christmas morning.

I remember pacing frantically in my little room and trying not to wake anyone in the house.
I didn’t want to wait for Miss Connie or Mister Ken to bring Santa’s gift to me.
As soon as I knew they were awake I would knock on the door and inquire about Santa’s visit the following evening (I had a plan)

Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait long for my plan to go into action.
Shortly after the sun came up I smelled two very important and familiar items that Christmas morning.
I smelled Miss Connie’s coffee pot and Mister Ken’s pipe.

Already, in my overalls, I slipped on my boots and quietly made my way out of the duplex to their front door.
Once I was at the front door, I suddenly lost my nerve and found that I couldn’t knock.
I was afraid of disappointment or maybe I was just plain scared, I really don’t remember.

Good fortune was mine this day…..
As I was turning to leave, Mister Ken; God bless him, opened the door…..
And said something about hearing shuffling on the porch, and invited me in to the wonderful smell of Miss Connie’s pancakes.

I soon found myself eating like I was going to the electric chair.
The exquisite taste of those pancakes, mixed with melted butter and maple syrup, washed down with ice cold milk made me momentarily forget all about gifts, packages or Santa.

Miss Connie and Mister Ken had already raised three boys by the time of this story and missed the sounds of boys in their house.
I was always welcome in their modest home and felt warm and safe in their presence.
I don’t think I ever left their house when I wasn’t still chewing some marvelous delight prepared by Miss Connie.

While I was digging into my second helping of pancakes with Mister Ken asking me if I had seen Bart Starr and the Green Bay Packers on the television set..
Miss Connie interrupted and explained that they had found a gift with my name on it, under their tree for me this morning.
Before I had a chance to finish chewing, she had set the gift down on the table next to me.

The paper and ribbon were magnificent.
I had never seen such a package.
Smiling broadly, they encouraged me to go ahead and open it.
With maple syrup on my face and hands I began to tear into “my” package.
I started pealing the paper, and next I broke the seal on the box encasing my Christmas surprise.

Inside the package was a plastic bag holding some one hundred plastic soldiers and the top of the bag was advertising the popular television program “Combat”.
There was an American jeep and a German pillbox in the bag as well.
This was beyond my wildest expectations!
I jumped up from the table hugging them both as tightly as I could and asked them to please thank Santa for me.
I have never received a better gift anytime in my life.

I will never forget that gift, the kindness of those two people, or that particular Christmas on Outer Drive.
In time, I moved on to a series of state homes, and Miss Connie and Mister Ken were to lose their oldest son Jerry, in Vietnam.
But this moment for me is frozen in time.

It doesn’t take much effort to create a memory for someone who doesn’t have much hope.
Take the opportunity to bring a little hope to someone this Christmas season, create a smile or generate laughter in those who need it the most.

Merry Christmas

Post script…

This story is for Connie and Ken who have gone on to meet the Lord.
Two sweeter or loving people have never walked this earth.
They provided a poor child with love and care that will never be forgotten.

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2009

RTR
MEB

I guess they can’t handle the truth….

After my commentary last week….
The twin towers of stupidity had the unmitigated gall to title their next article….
“Meet their Match: Can anyone Catch Southern California?”

Are you kidding me?
The gibbering idiots at the College Football News went on to say…
“That if Southern California can survive their brutal road schedule, they will be a lock for the National Championship game.”

Brutal road schedule, is that some sort of a joke?
Granted they play The Ohio State Buckeyes in the Big Horseshoe this year..
But playing at Washington, Notre Dame and Oregon is brutal?

I half expected to hear them squeal like 10 year old girls while they were writing…
“O My Gosh, they like also play at California and at Arizona State!…
They are like playing Golden Bears and Sun Devils, that just sounds so scary!
But that Coach Pete is just so dreamy…
Where is that picture of him in Tiger Beat?”

While they were in the throngs of ecstasy wallowing in their love of Saint Pete and the Trojans, they once AGAIN failed to mention anything about the “on-going” NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans.

Instead….
They wanted us all to know that eleven players have left the University of Tennessee football team since Lane Kiffin took over as head coach. They also felt obligated to inform us that Coach Kiffin had given a scholarship to a kid that was convicted of a heinous rape a few years before.

But…..
They failed to mention anything at the time about the Trojan’s Frostee Rucker.
He was a defensive lineman that was expelled from Colorado State for sexually assaulting a female student and indecent exposure.
He was immedately recruited by Saint Pete and Southern California and accepted a scholarship to play for the Trojans.

But the story doesn’t end there….
It was reported that Rucker sexually assaulted another girl while at Southern California in August of 2005.

The shocking part to all of this?
He never missed a game at U$C….
Not one…
In fact the story never came to light until his eligibility with the Trojans expired.
What a crazy coincidence, right?

You want to talk about “Golden Boy” Mark Sanchez and his Rape Charge?

I didn’t think so….

You still think I am being too harsh?

Last week ….
The NCAA released their findings on the Graduation Success Rates (GSR) data of the various universities and colleges.
In case you didn’t know…
The NCAA has mandated that University and College athletic programs must meet a specific criteria for graduation of athletes or risk being banned from post season play.

The fine folks (Nazis actually….) from Indianapolis..
Penalized the football programs from Chattanooga, Jacksonville State and McNeese State….
As well as other smaller schools….
And banned them from post-season play.

But interestingly enough….
Not one, but two PAC 10 Universities scored below the accepted minimum…
And lower than two of the colleges mentioned above…
Yet they were not penalized at all….

Maybe….
They didn’t penalize the PAC 10 schools because they aren’t in the South?

You still need convincing?

The NCAA will not allow ANY tournaments in the state of Mississippi….
Because “they” don’t like the state flag….
Despite the fact the fine people of Mississippi voted to keep the current flag design..
I guess the folks in Indianapolis choose not to recognize popular elections in this country..

The NCAA will not allow ANY tournaments in the state of South Carolina…
Because the confederate battle flag flies over a confederate monument on the grounds of the state capital.
I guess the NCAA believes they have the right to tell the STATE of South Carolina what displays they should have on STATE property…

The reason I mention this…
Is because…

The NCAA didn’t ban any tournaments or anything else for that matter….
In Los Angeles after the Rodney King Riots…

They didn’t ban any tournaments in Boston due to racial strife or gay marriages..

They won’t penalize a state until they account for all illegal aliens…
And “undocumented workers”…

They won’t ban teams in a state that provides a haven for terrorists and Muslim extremists..

They won’t punish a city that bans Military Recruiters from college campuses…

So are we to believe that only Southerners are raciest?

If you believe that then I bet you didn’t hear or read about this…
On February 8, 2007 several Southern California Trojan football players created and joined a racist Facebook group as a “joke”….

The racist Facebook group was called “White Nation”: it showed a graphic of a swastika and a black baby in handcuffs with the caption “arrest black babies before they become criminals.”
The group was created by U$C linebacker Clay Matthews and was joined by teammates David Buehler, Brian Cushing, Dan Deckas and Dallas Sartz and others…

Coach Pete Carroll responded to reports of the incident by saying he had “No Plans to discipline the players” and U$C later announced that none of the players would be punished.

According to Pete Carroll….
“It’s not a controversy, it’s a mistake.”

What would have been the national media’s reaction….
If that would have happened in Gainesville, Starkville or Clemson?
Or God Forbid…
Alabama….

At the very least…
We would have been subjected to a week long “Mississippi Burning” marathon on TBS..

According to the national sports media and the NCAA…
We Southerners are the only cheaters…

But it’s O.K. that Pete Carroll in February 2007 lied about his and Reggie Bush’s contact with Joe McKnight to both the NCAA and his employer.
You remember that right?

U$C compliance officials announced they were investigating whether an NCAA violation occured during the Trojan’s pursuit of Louisiana prep star running back Joe McKnight. The investigation followed reports that McKnight had told reporters that U$C Coach Pete Carroll had set up a conference call so he and high school coach J.T. Curtis could be reassured by ex-Trojan running back Reggie Bush that U$C would not be punished for a separate NCAA Investigation into improper benefits taken by Bush while at U$C.

Carroll later denied that any call took place, and Curtis said that McKnight misspoke.
But…
According to NCAA officials, if U$C got Bush’s help in recruiting McKnight….
It would be considered a “secondary violation” of recruiting rules…

But the NCAA gave them a pass….

Just like the NCAA gave U$C and Dwayne Jarrett a pass when he “didn’t know” he had to pay rent at a luxury apartment at $4500.00 dollars a month for a year and a half.

EDITORS NOTE: If you are counting….
In rent alone that comes to Over 80K…

No mention of course….
From the NCAA on utilities or what type of ride D-Wayne had at the time…
I guess they “didn’t know” they should have looked into that too….

If you think I am being picky here..
Try that stunt next time you buy groceries…
Just take what you want and head to the car…
In the event you get caught…
Just tell them..
You “didn’t know” you had to pay for them…
And then see how far that gets you…

All the while…
The national sports media and the NCAA..
Wants to “look into serious violations of student athlete miss-use of text books” at Alabama…
It was reported that “Up to fifteen hundred dollars of text book mis-use has been reported…”

Wow and you call that a scandal?
But Reggie Bush and his family can accept Hundreds of Thousands of dollars in cash…
Flights…
Weekend getaways…
Vehicles…
From a registered Sports Agent while at U$C..
And it’s all O.K.?
Right?

If it seems at times I take this all too seriously…
It’s because I do…

Because…
I don’t like smartass yankees and sue happy Californians picking on my beloved South…

If they keep this up I might just run for the President of the Republic of Texas…
Don’t laugh..
I am a hellava lot more qualified than what you have seen lately…

RTR
MEB

It’s time for the kickoff of the 2008 College Football Season and your favorite College Football Prognosticator has the answers to the questions you so desperately seek.

Will the Duke Blue Devils have more than a dozen fans at home football games this season?
ANSWER: No, they will not.

Is the theme from “Deliverance” the “official” Fight Song of the University of Tennessee?
ANSWER: Yes…..complete with a shoeless boy and his banjo.

Does Notre Dame have an “outside” shot at the National Championship this year?
ANSWER: They have the same chance of winning the National Championship as the boys from Menudo do of having a reunion tour.

Will some fans be in need of a liver transplant by the end of the season?
ANSWER: Yes, I just hope this year it’s not me….(again)

So, have no fear my friends.
I am here to guide you through the many cheers and tears of the 2008 College Football Season.

Enjoy Your Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday, August 28th

Northeastern at Ball State
Hey! David Letterman went to Ball State!
In case you were wondering…
That is still no reason to care about this game.
CARDINALS 33-14

Eastern Illinois at Central Michigan
I don’t care what anybody says, I still think “Chippewas” sounds like a fungal infection.
CHIPPEWAS 28-17

Indiana State at Eastern Michigan
Why did Indiana State name their team the “Sycamores”?
Is THAT particular tree suppose to frighten you more than another species of hardwood?
Never Mind…
EAGLES 38-10

Hofstra at Connecticut
I will never understand why a group of yankees decided to name their college after a butt rash.
HUSKIES 43-10

Southwest Missouri Baptist at Southeast Missouri State
My Ole Buddy E.J. Junior Coaches at Southwest and that’s good enough for me.
BEARCATS 33-28

Jacksonville State at Georgia Tech
I would watch this game but Midgets are Jousting on Pay-Per-View.
YELLOW JACKETS 38-13

Vanderbilt at Miami (Ohio)
Have you ever seen a Palm tree or Orange tree in Ohio?
They are such poseurs….
COMMODORES 24-17

Carson Newman at Concord
Concord as in the grape?
If the Eagles were playing “Boones Farm” I might feel different.
SPARKS EAGLES 38-10

Eastern Kentucky at Cincinnati
The Colonels will be reduced to Private First Class by the Third Quarter…
BEARKATS 34-13 

Charleston Southern at Miami
Why Charleston Southern you may ask?
Because the Clown College was already scheduled to play Florida State.
HURRICANES 41-6 

Wake Forest at Baylor
There is no truth to the rumor that Jimmy Swaggart will be the Demon Deacon mascot at home games this year. But it hasn’t stopped me from spreading it.
DEMON DEACONS 24-10

South Dakota State at Iowa State
The History of Waffles are on the Food Channel or I would watch this one.
CYCLONES 34-10

Oregon State at Stanford
I will not stoop to making off-color Beaver jokes this early in the season.
When there is always next week…
BEAVERS 24-16

North Carolina State at South Carolina
The Wolfpack have a new coach and a new look on offense…..
GAMECOCKS 27-23

Friday, August 29th

Temple at Army
This game will be like watching old people eat a cheap steak…
At first its funny and then it’s just sad…
BLACK KNIGHTS 3-2

Southern Methodist at Rice
My Once Proud Ponies are for real this year….Believe it.
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Saturday, August 30th

Youngstown State at Ohio State
If you think what the folks in Canada do to baby seals is bad…
Then you don’t want to see what the Buckeyes have in store for a bunch of Penguins.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-10

Akron at Wisconsin
What’s with naming a team “The Zips”?
Is that short for Zippers?
What does the announcer say? The Zippers are down in the first quarter…
That is just disgusting…
THE POWER OF CHEESE WHIZ 33-13

Virginia Tech at East Carolina
Doesn’t Lou Holtz’s son Coach at East Carolina?
That’s good enough for me…
HOKIES 89-0 

Coastal Carolina at Penn State
Interesting Fact: “Chanticleer” is Latin for, “A prostitute for a university or college athletic department. Willing to get the living hell beat out of you for a payday or paycheck for the university general fund.”
Coincidence? I think not…
JO PA’S LIONS 44-3

Bowling Green at Pittsburgh
I would LOVE to watch this game but the Muppets are re-enacting the Battle of New Orleans on PBS.
PANTHERS 27-17

Syracuse at Northwestern
I don’t care and neither should you.
WILDCATS 3-2

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously, nobody cares.

Western Kentucky at Indiana
If this was a basketball game it might actually be worth watching.
It isn’t…….so don’t.
HOOSIERS 24-13

Maine at Iowa
Why? My point exactly…
HAWKEYES 34-10

Georgia Southern at Georgia
I have only four simple words to say about this game…
How Bout Them Dawgs!!!!!
BIG DAWGS 31-14

Hawaii at Florida
I think the Hawaii mascot looks like Jimmy “Super Fly” Snuka….
On Meth…
MIGHTY GATORS 38-10

Southern California at Virginia
IF only this game was last year…..It would have been different.
TROJAN$ 43-21

EDITORS NOTE: What ever happened to the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and Southern California? Just wondering….

Villianova at West Virginia
What I wouldn’t give to have a second hand furniture store in Morgantown…
I would have more money than Ernest Tubb…
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 44-6

Utah at Michigan
Wolverine fans, I have some good news and some bad news.
The Bad news is that the Utah football team is better than you think..
The Other Bad news is that Coach Rod’s wife is going to “perform” at halftime…
Sorry, I really don’t have any good news…
WOLVERINES 24-23

Oklahoma State at Washington State
I like Coach Gundy. He can damn sure Cowboy up!
COWBOYS 24-20 

Towson at Navy
I have so many questions about this game…
What the hell is a “Towson”?
Why does Navy have a goat as a mascot?
Will William Shatner release an album of Donna Summer songs this year?
MIDSHIPMEN 28-17

Delaware at Maryland
What is the deal with calling your team the “Fighting Blue Hens”?
It didn’t scare Col. Sanders and it won’t scare the Ninja Turtles…
FIGHTING TERPS 28-23

Tulsa at UAB
I also don’t understand why the folks at University of Alabama – Birmingham named their team the “Blazers” and have a Dragon for a mascot. I have NEVER seen a Dragon in Birmingham Alabama: EVER.
But I did have this blind date once there….Never mind.
GOLDEN HURRICANES 31-17

Illinois State at Marshall
No Redbird can stand up to a Thundering Herd…
It’s a rule…
THUNDERING HERD 27-10

Appalachian State at LSU
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!
Sorry, that was last years ASU headline pick…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-17

McNeese State at North Carolina
I knew a McNeese once…
Jeremy McNeese used to dress up in his grandmothers clothes and light things on fire.
I think he gets out on parole in 2015…never mind.
TAR HEELS 34-14

Texas Christian at New Mexico
Life teaches us many odd lessons…
Like for example, I know a lot of TCU alumni.
Everyone of them is good as gold and a hell of a lot of fun.
I have met two New Mexico graduates recently and both of them are horses asses.   
Enough said…
HORNED FROGS 31-24

Mississippi State at Louisiana Tech
Coach Croom’s Bulldogs are the only REAL Dogs in this fight.
CROOMS DOGS 27-17

Chattanooga at Oklahoma
By the time the folks from Chattanooga hear, “Oooo Say can you see….”
They will down by two touchdowns…
BOOMER SOONERS 54-10

Louisiana Monroe at Auburn
What the hell is Monroe thinking?
WAR EAGLES 38-13

Florida Atlantic at Texas
By the time this one is over Florida will wish they were in the Pacific…
LONGHORNS 34-10

Eastern Washington at Texas Tech
There are few things as enjoyable as a Saturday afternoon in Lubbock…
Have I mentioned that it’s the home of Buddy Holly?
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 44-17

Florida International at Kansas
I think the folks from “International” come to Kansas so they can flaunt their sophistication…
JAYHAWKS 33-17

Western Illinois at Arkansas
This is going to be uglier than Prom Night at the School for the Blind.
RAZORBACKS 54-3

Northern Illinois at Minnesota
Why are Minnesota’s Gophers Golden?
Are they richer than our Gophers?
Does the fact that their Gophers are Golden somehow make them better than us?
I hate arrogant groundhogs…
GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-20

Memphis at Ole Miss
This game is the Battle for the Elvis….
I think the winner gets a Velvet Poster of Elvis…
Before he discovered complex carbohydrates…
REBELS 24-21

Western Michigan at Nebraska
Coach Bo will have the Big Red Machine in High gear for this one…
Believe it…
HUSKERS 38-10

Arkansas State at Texas A&M
The Indians haven’t had this much trouble since the Federal government showed up and said…
“Sign Here”….
GIG EM AGGIES 33-13

Southern University at Houston
The Cougars are Loaded this year….and
Southern has a wonderful Liberal Arts Program…
Enough said…
COUGARS 31-7

Louisiana Lafayette at Southern Miss
Just for the record…
I am STILL upset about Coach Jeff Bowers leaving USM…
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-10

North Texas at Kansas State
I would really enjoy watching this game…
 But VH1 is having a “Special” on David Hasselhoff: The Man, The Myth, The Music.
Times like this I wish I had TIVo.
WILDCATS 24-14

Tennessee Martin at South Florida
I think Martin is going to get a South Florida ass whipping…
NO BULL 34-10

Boston College at Kent State
I cannot in good conscience…
Pull for a school known for anti-war protesting and National Guard bullet traps…
EAGLES 28-10

Michigan State at California
The Spartans will keep this closer than you might think…a lot closer. 
O’ So Golden Bears 20-17 

Idaho State at Boise State
“Famous Potatoes” gets Mashed…film at Eleven.
BRONCOS 38-7

Illinois at Missouri
MO Knows Football……….
MO’s TIGERS 28-17

Northern Arizona at Arizona State
What do you get if you win this “Big” instate game?
A cactus and free maid service for a week?
SUN DEVILS 31-14

Washington at Oregon
Where is Coach James when you need him…?
QUACKERS 3-2

Idaho at Arizona
Everytime I hear about Idaho, I remember this girl from High School named Ida.
Never mind….
WILDCATS 20-10

Alabama and Clemson
NO Cream Puff Game Here….
THIS is HOW you start a Season…
Clemson has one of the Very Best Quarterbacks in the Nation…
The Tigers have a returning Offense and Defense that is second to none… 
I Dearly love my adopted Clemson Tiger Family.
You all know who you are….
I wish I was tailgating with you all right now..
Win, Lose or Draw…we are still family.

CRIMSON TIDE 27-24

Sunday, August 31st

Kentucky at Louisville
This game is alot like going to my wife’s family reunion in Eastern Kentucky..
There is bitterness, cussing and fighting….followed by hard feelings.
Never mind. This game is EXACTLY like her family reunion.
CARDINALS 27-23 

Colorado State at Colorado
While I am on the subject of my wife’s family…
Please be sure and watch my sister-in-law “run” onto the field as the Colorado mascot “Ralphie”..
Hey, I am NOT Complaining! We are just glad she is working…
BUFFALOS 31-28

Monday September 1st

Fresno State at Rutgers
If you really care about this game….
Then you probably didn’t have enough to drink during the earlier games..
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 23-17

Tennessee at UCLA
This game is like trying to decide who to pull for in a War between Iran and Syria….
VOWELS 31-17

Your Weekly Email Q&A and Team News will be presented on Sunday.
Only 5 Days until Kickoff…..

Enjoy the Games!

RTR
MEB