Before you begin your New Year’s Eve Celebrations….
I present the last of the 2011 College Football Bowl Picks.

This week we have the final Bowl Games to discuss along with season ending awards and email.

But before you launch headlong into the anxiety pool, let me remind you all of two very simple safety tips that will enhance your enjoyment of the upcoming coming New Year’s Eve Celebrations.

One….New Years Eve is an excellent time to get liquored up and make some bad decisions.
Which your Uncle Todd continues to prove year after year, remember when he brought that goat to your house?

Two….This is the second “celebration” within a week so remember kids…..
A healthy and balanced family life means piling unreasonable expectations on one family member during the holidays (Preferably the mother) and exploding with anger when those expectations aren’t met.

Enjoy your Bowl Games…..

Happy New Year…

THE 2011 CFB WIZARD BOWL GAME AWARDS

These highly sought after season ending awards are known as the most prestigious season ending bowl awards in all of college football, so without further ado I present the CFB Wizard Awards..

(Applause)

(More Applause)

WORST BOWL COSTUME BY A COLLEGE FOOTBALL FAN

This coveted award is also known as the Garth Brooks “Shameless” Award for excellence in costume design with absolutely no concern for the image of the proud University who they represent. Congratulations, I’m sure your family is thrilled…

And although “The Big Game” isn’t here quite yet, the runner up for this award goes to this ah, LSU Tiger “cheerleader”….

I can almost hear his kids now….
“Mom for the Love of GOD, please don’t go to the game dressed like that again!”

THE WORST BOWL SPONSOR MASCOT

The winner of this award had no competition….

This is kind of eye-catching mascot…..”The Idaho Potato Bowl Mascot”

I think it looks like Mr Hankey from South Park with a tube top.
Striking resemblance, don’t you think, see for yourself.

THE MOST EMBARRASSING ALUMNI AWARD

For consecutive years running, this award goes to the “honorable” U.S. Congresswoman from Florida Ms. Corrine Brown. Although this is an older video, I think you will agree she is still a “winner” of this prestigious award and it will be difficult to raise the embarrassment bar any higher for any alumni anywhere.

Go Gata….

Click here to view the embedded video.

CHRISTMAS HOME DECORATION CONTEST WINNER

It’s Christmas time in Louisiana and while most people decorate their homes with lights to
Celebrate the season; some of the folks down there have only one thing on their minds….

I can’t imagine what that would be?

THE WORST IDEA TO PROMOTE A POLITICAL CAMPAIGN OF 2011

The winner of this award goes to none other than Craig James formerly of ESPN….
Who recently announced his run for the U.S. Senate…..
And as a big a dumbass and as stupid as Craig James is…I would say he’s probably a shoe-in.

Maybe I’m old fashioned but I don’t think I would have talked about killing a hooker.
But that’s just me….

THE 2011 BFF (BEST FRIENDS FOREVER) AWARD

This award goes to none other than Kansas Coach Charlie Weis and former Tennessee Volunteer Coach Phil Fulmer, who are pictured riding off into the sunset together to spend some “quality man time” with one another.

WORST CHRISTMAS CARD IDEA OF 2011

I will close the awards with this….

Alabama ball cap – $15
Hounds tooth Hat – $25
Matching Hounds tooth shirt $35
Matching Hounds tooth Blanket – $45
Bringing your soon to burst pregnant girlfriend with her exposed midriff shirt and hooker pumps to the cow pasture, to pose in an inviting patch of dirt next to the pond for your Christmas card..
Priceless.

Young people in love….

Inspiring…..

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS AND VIEWS

Hello from the heart of SEC Country!!!

I don’t know about anyone else, but this is a special time of year down in these parts.

School has let out for the Christmas Break; everyone is running around buying presents for their loved ones. But, most importantly, we’re getting all ready for the annual Hanesworth Christmas Family Gathering out in Workmore at my mama and daddy’s house.

There’s more Hanesworth’s down here than you can shake a stick at, so as you can imagine, there’s a huge family get together on Christmas Eve. Mama works all day cooking a big Turkey and dressing. All us kids make covered dishes like sweet potatoes, turnips, peas, and butterbeans to take over for the main course and blackberry pie, pecan pie, and chocolate layer cakes for dessert. But best of all, my sister Viola makes her special oyster dressing to bring over for all to enjoy. Everybody starts getting to the house about 3 in the afternoon, with the ladies going in the house to help mama with the last of the cooking and setting the tables.

All the men either go into the living room to watch some football or stand around the fire pit outside and sip on a cold adult beverage. The kids run around out in the pasture and play their games and wait anxiously for supper. We’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember and I can report that although we’ve got a few outlaws in the family, nobody’s ever been killed, even though my brother, Harold, once shot himself in the leg after he had showed us his little .22 peashooter and was sticking it back in his pocket. It was just a little flesh wound so we bandaged him up and went back to the conversation and imbibing of beverages. I hope you all have the opportunity to get together with family and enjoy the fellowship and fun like we do.

I’ve got some bad news to report from up in Statesboro. Our Georgia Southern Eagles finally met their match in their march to the FCS National Title up at the Fargo Dome, in Fargo, North Dakota. The Bison from the North Country took advantage of some early Bird specials courtesy of a couple of untimely fumbles as they kicked the Eagles out of their nest by a 35-7 tally. The visitors from Statesboro kept things close for 39 minutes, down 14-7, but the Buffalo then ran roughshod over the Feathered Flock from the South, outscoring the Birds 21-0 over the rest of the games. The Eagles drove 5 times to inside the Bison 30 but couldn’t punch it in. This obviously leaves a bitter taste in the mouths of our Southern Sons as they were defeated last year at this point by Delaware. Regardless of the outcome, we are so very proud of these young men as they competed for another National Championship and represented the Southern Conference and State of Georgia well. Congratulations, Eagles, on a great season.

And finally, I’d like to take the time to bid you farewell for this year.

I’ve never written for a prestigious, national publication before and from what the College Football Wizard has told me, amazingly, the response has been favorable.

I was honestly quite apprehensive about writing about my little corner of Georgia, and putting my opinions and thoughts on the College Football World out there for all to see. That’s pretty scary because there are some many of those nameless, faceless people who sit behind their computers and seem to savor or ridicule anyone who doesn’t write what they want to hear or throw an opinion out there that completely agrees, lockstep, with theirs.

I’d like to humbly thank you all for bearing with me as I slowly got my “sea legs” and found a format that I was comfortable with and that you would enjoy. As the Wizard said in an earlier article, this is like a labor of love because Telfair County in the Great State of Georgia is the home that I love. So to all of you, I close with this thought.

Every week I sign off with the statement to support your local High School Athletics Programs. And I hope you do. Although the kids are teenagers and they’d never admit it, it’s important to them that there are good turnouts for their various competitions. Football seems to get the most fans, followed by basketball, but remember all those young men and women who compete in Cross-Country, Baseball, Volleyball, Tennis, and the other programs that don’t garner the most fan support. These youngsters represent your schools with pride and would love to hear some rousing cheers as they score the winning run or cross that finish line first.

With the way the world is nowadays, they need us more than ever.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone

And……

Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

THE LAST EMAIL QUESTION OF 2011

Q: Welcome to Candyland!

I always like introducing myself in fun ways!
Sometimes I will growl like a dinosaur and kind of stand on my tip toes when I meet people for the first time! You should see the look on their faces!

Then I say something like “Haven’t you ever seen a dinosaur before!”

That just cracks me up!

Any Who, here is my question Ole Wise College Football Wizard!

If ESPN Commentator Pam Ward and Kansas Coach Charlie Weis had a baby….
What do you think it would look like?

Thank you and don’t forget to tip your waitress!
I crack myself up!

Tommy – Columbus, Ohio

A: I’m not quite sure Tommy, since my degree isn’t in genetic engineering….

But off the top of my head, I would have to say….

I don’t know, but I’m guessing it would have a butt the size of Rhode Island and a voice that would make small animals fling themselves into oncoming cars.

THE BOWL GAMES

Monday January 2nd 2012

Ticket City Bowl
Houston and Penn State
This Bowl game should be called the Schizophrenic Bowl…
Because you never know who is going to show up and play
NITTANY LIONS 31-28

Capital One Bowl
Nebraska and South Carolina
If you like “Defense”, then this is going to be your game of the day
GAMECOCKS 17-10

Outback Bowl
Michigan State and Georgia
This one is for Larry and Lewis and Catfish…
SIC EM DAWGS 34-24

Tax Slayer.com Gator Bowl
Ohio State and Florida
At first I was really excited when I say this Bowl Sponsors name…
Because I thought if there really was a “Tax Slayer” running loose then the folks in the Federal Government must be getting in line to join the witness protection program.
BUCKEYES 24-21

Rose Bowl Game Sponsored by VIZIO
Wisconsin and Oregon
This pick is quite simple for me….
I wouldn’t pull for the Ducks if they were playing Iran
BUCKY BADGERS 34-21

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Stanford and Oklahoma State
If you hate “Defense” then this is going to be your game of the day
COWBOY UP! 63-59

Tuesday January 3rd

Allstate Sugar Bowl
Michigan and Virginia Tech
“Put your left foot in, take your left foot out and do the Hokey Pokey and the Wolverines are going to win the Sugar Bowl.” Sorry I couldn’t make that one rhyme.
WOLVERINES 24-17

Wednesday January 4th

Discover Orange Bowl
West Virginia and Clemson
Remember what Smokey the Bear Says….…..
“Only you and the Clemson Tigers can prevent smoldering couch fires in Morgantown”
Wise words from a Bear….
DABO’S TIGERS 38-17

Friday January 6th

AT&T Cotton Bowl
Kansas State and Arkansas
I think this one is going to over before it gets started….
Believe it….
WSP HAWGS 43-17

Saturday January 7th

BBVA Compass Bowl
Southern Methodist and Pittsburgh
What the hell is a “BBVA”?
It sounds like Salmonellas demented cousin…..
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-28

Sunday January 8th

GoDaddy.com Bowl
Arkansas State and Northern Illinois
This is the “Nobody Cares Bowl” because the Championship game is on tomorrow night.
RED WOLVES 33-28

Monday January 9th

The Game
Allstate BCS National Championship Game
LSU and Alabama
This game will be a classic….
It’s a shame that someone has to lose
CRIMSON TIDE 21-20

POST GAME WRAP-UP…

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will be off until after the National Championship Game and depending on how that turns out or doesn’t turn out I may be receiving a liver transplant in Paraguay.

So Stay Tuned…

It’s been a long season for Yours Truly.
I have picked almost one thousand games this year, with the occasional story thrown in for good measure, and finished the 2011 college football season with an overall 80% success rate.

One Thousand games, it’s hard to believe….
Thank you all for riding along with me this season
I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you.
Enjoy your Bowl Games and have a Healthy Happy New Year

See you in 2012

ROLL TIDE ROLL

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s time once again for the coveted 2011 CFB Wizard Awards!

Now I know that many of you will be going about your Christmas chores this time of year and may feel that you are too busy or perhaps have fallen behind in shopping for the various gifts on your Christmas list to enjoy this prestigious of all College Football Awards article.

It’s time to take a break and pour a glass of that “special” eggnog, kick your feet up and relax.

The Award Show is about to begin…

Enjoy….

2011 COLLEGE FOOTBALL REPLAY

Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator finished the week at 6 and 1 with my only loss due to the Fighting Okra getting fried to a crisp in the Division II Playoffs.

So for the last week of the College Football Season the CFB Wizard was 86%

We close the 2011 College Football Season at 710 and 192 or 79%.

That’s a whole lot of college football game picking my friends

Now before you start to get your Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer underwear in a knot because the college football season is over, let me remind you that we still have the Bowl games to discuss and maybe a story or two to keep you entertained during the Christmas season.

So Stay Tuned…

But before I forget, I hope you all have a Very Merry Christmas or a Happy Hanukkah or a Crazy Kwanza or a Randy Ramadan or whatever it is people celebrate now days.

And as a holiday safety tip….

If you are approached by what would appear to be one of “Santa’s Elves” in your local Shopping Mall and he asks you “if you would like to see the free summer sausage give away”

Don’t say a word, just avert your eyes, turn around and go find a policeman.

And before you ask “No” I don’t want to talk about it

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Hello from the heart of SEC country!!!

Well, High School football season is officially over now.
All the championship trophies have been given out, lights turned out in the stadiums and fields, and the kids have moved on to basketball and other activities. It’s always a little sad when winter sets in and I get up on Saturdays to find the sports pages now feature stories of Bowl games and basketball and the High School football tales have faded away. But, that’s the way it’s always been and will always be. I’ll continue to keep an eye out for a little recruiting news from the colleges or some Telfair High basketball or baseball write ups, biding my time, until the Friday Night Lights of the fall once again light the stage for another encore performance of a game we all love so dearly.

But there was one game that I watched Saturday that should have been on the National Stage. Ghosts of Erk were stirring in Statesboro once again as the Georgia Southern Eagles played another game on their road to the Football Championship Subdivision National Championship. And oh, what a game it was. This game featured running and passing, penalties and turnovers, and was in doubt until the last few ticks of the clock. That bust of Erk in the endzone of “The Prettiest Little Stadium in America” surely smiled as he gazed on the scene as these proud Birds clawed their way to a hard earned 35-23 victory over a feisty bunch of Maine Black Bears. Jaybo Shaw, the transfer quarterback from North Avenue, scored 2 touchdowns on the ground and 1 through the airways as the Eagles racked up 476 yards of total offense on a chilly day beside Eagle Creek. Chipping in with another couple of touchdowns and 99 yards on the ground was JJ Wilcox, a Junior Running Back from Cairo, Ga. And for those of you that don’t know, down here it’s called “Kay-row”.

Also contributing were Dominique Swope, a Freshman from Buford, Ga, Jonathon Bryant, another Cairo native, Nico Hickey, of Columbus, Darreion Robinson, an Athens native, and bruiser Robert Brown from Macon. After a difficult week last week against Old Dominion, the defense stiffened early and held the Bruins to under 75 rushing yards. In fact, the Eagles had the ball in the first quarter for 14 of 15 minutes after an interception of the Black Bears on their second play of the game and 2 time consuming drives by the Eagles. The Blue Birds sent the Bears home with the Statesboro Blues as a late interception by corner Jerrick McKinnon, a converted quarterback from Marietta, sealed the deal for the home team. At that point, and as is tradition at Paulson stadium, the rowdy and fired up fans pulled out and shook their car keys, symbolically telling the visiting Bears to drive home safely. Next up for the Eagles is a tough and gritty North Dakota State Bison team at their house in Fargo, ND. I’m sure Coach Jeff Monken will carry on the tradition of bringing a little of that beautiful Eagle Creek water with him to bless the North Dakota State field with and bring these high flying Birds a little luck in their quest for an unprecedented 8th National Title Crown. Good Luck Eagles!!!!

Looking down the road to the New Year’s festivities our other home state teams will be involved in a little bowl action. Georgia Tech will be taking on Utah in the Sun Bowl in El Paso and the Georgia Bulldogs will travel to Tampa to take on the Michigan State Spartans.

I’m going to steal a little of the Wizards thunder today and make a couple of predictions on these games. I believe that the Red Clay Hounds are gonna have a bitter taste in their mouth after falling to the Bayou Bengals at the SEC Championship Game. That 10 game winning streak wasn’t a fluke. The Spartans will still be smarting after falling to Wisconsin for the Big 10-ish Championship, but I just don’t think they have enough to get it done against a tough SEC defense with revenge on their minds. The Dawgs have enough offense to push them over the top on this one, so, I picking the Canines in a close one, 24-21.

Meanwhile, The Wreck was up and down at times this season. After losing 4 of their last 6, the question is, will the defense step up and show some heart and will the Utes, with over a month to prepare, be able to stop the Stingers’ offense? There’s a lot on the line for the Slide Rule Jocks as they want to finish strong and go into next year’s recruiting battles with positive momentum. I’m feeling another close one with the Bee’s pulling off a 28-27 nail biter.
Let’s hope our home state heroes play well!!!

In closing, this edition, I wanted to share with you some things that I thought about while reviewing and pondering this 2011 College Football Season.

I like Mark Richt. Stoic. Unemotional on the sideline. He’s taken a lot of heat over the years because he’s “unemotional” and doesn’t get “fired up” on the sidelines. For those who think this is what wins championships and ballgames think about this. I never remember Bear Bryant or Vince Dooley doing cartwheels on the sidelines and those two gentlemen did a pretty respectable job over their tenures.

I like the workmanlike attitude of the Alabama Crimson Tide. I seldom, if ever, saw the chest thumping and self adulation after making a play by any of Nick Saban’s team.
Play like you been there before. That kind of sums it up

I like the traditions of football in the South.
They’re still alive and will probably live on until the end of time.
The tailgating.
Howard’s Rock at Clemson.
Toomer’s Corner in Auburn.
The Grove at Oxford.
UGA, the great mascot of the University of Georgia.
Revered symbols of Southern tradition. We can’t celebrate the old South without offending the politically correct, but we can, by God, beat the snot out of your football team and send you back up North or out West with your tail between your legs. Maybe this is what was meant by that saying, “The South shall rise again.” It has.

I like Saturdays in the South. Not all of us can go to Athens, Atlanta, Gainesville, or Columbia. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t loyal fans. As someone should have said, “We cling to our Bibles and Guns…. and our favorite college football teams.” We work the fields or cut the lawns, rake the leaves and wash the cars, around the most sacred time of the week; Kickoff.

I like my boys. They’re not big jocks. They weren’t overachieving athletes in High School.
In fact, my two oldest only played baseball in their High School days. The youngest played a little peewee football and seemed to have a knack for it but never pursued it as he got older. My oldest and youngest are Bulldog fans. My middle son is a Tech fan. I’m split between the two. But, the bottom line, and most important thing is that they are all college football fans.
No matter how much of a strained relationship that we may have had from time to time while they were growing up, we always had that common bond of College Football. College Football has been described as a religion here in the South, and that’s true. But it’s more. It is a meeting place for us to share joy, or make peace with each other after a terrible disagreement. It’s a bond between fathers and sons. Mothers and daughters. Parents and kids.

Well, that’s about all I’ve got for this week. I hope I haven’t bored you with some of my personal insights. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.

And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Sir,

As a leading advocate for college athletics and collegiate activities, I felt compelled to send you a note of explanation for why the prestigious institution of higher learning that I represent has decided not to play the National Anthem prior to sporting events.

We here at Goshen College, are representatives of the Mennonite church. We have a pacifist outlook on life and conduct ourselves by staying true to those pacifist traditions. We utterly abhor violence and aggression. You see, we feel that it is against our principles to use war as a way of defending our country. We could use much more civil and humane ways of defense to do so. For example, if Canada were to try to invade our sovereign nation, we propose that all Marines and Soldiers line up at the border and hold hands. Canada’s troops would do the same. At this point the opposing “warriors” would play a rousing game of Red Rover!!!

No one would get hurt, save a few strained biceps but it would be completely safe and act as a team building exercise between our two nations. As a matter of fact, in light of our pacifist traditions, we recently proposed some rule changes to the NCAA regarding the violence exhibited on the football field.
One of those was that rather than tackling an opponent who is carrying the ball, that we instead have a defender impede the progress of an opposing running back, ask him to lay down in a prone position, and then have said defender lay gently atop said offensive player. This will instill a kind of gentle aura to the heretofore violent nature of this game.

I hope you understand and support our position.

Thank You
Jim Brenneman
President
Goshen College

A: To tell you the truth……
I had a difficult time reading your email with my Gay-Dar going off…

Q: MR WIZARD!!!!!!!!!

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!
Have you been watching those NFL games on the television?
HAVE YOU SEEN MY DREAMBOAT AND ALL TIME LOVE OF MY LIFE MR TIM TEEBOW DO HIS THANG!!!!???? Lordy, I caint hardly stand myself right now!!!

I watched that Broncos and Chicargo game and just about tee-teed in my paints I was so EXCITED!!! He went and won hisself another one of those big games!!! And do you know what else? Well, let me tell you because I betcha don’t!! Remember that lady comedic girl Mrs Carol Burnett? Remember how she’d go to tuggin and pullin on her ear at the end of her show to give a shout out or say howdy to somebody special?

Well, guess what my momma Raylene told me?? She said that whenever my darling and sugar dumpling Tim Tebow went to wiping his nose that it was a special SHOUT OUT TO ME!!!!!

I sat there Sunday glued to my TV set and he musta wiped his nose about a dozen times!!! Did you see???? AND THAT WAS FOR ME!!!!! I get goose pimples just thinking about that!!!

The only thing that kinda concerned me was that there was a couple of times that he actually stuck a finger in his nose. Do you suppose that means what I think it means? I mean I’m not that kinda girl and he’s a fine young man and I don’t think he’d do such a thing when we barely know each other. But then, I got to thinkin about that Presdent we had by the name of Bill Clinton when he got in that trouble with that little secretary girl Marsha Lowenstien and how he said that some things folks do to each other aint really sex and I just don’t know.

Mr Wizard, do you think that Tim Tebow wants to perform some carnal act of nature on me? Please let me know. I don’t want to get knocked up and be a unwed mother.

Our trailer house aint quite big enough for another baby. I’m depending on you Mr Wizard!!!

Tracy in Homassassa

A: Before you get too lathered up Tracy, have you asked Santa for your Timmy this Christmas?

Q: Dear Jackass

I can’t believe somebody hasn’t run your dumbass out of town over all the crap you write about some football teams, there must be a whole bunch of folks from Trojans to War Eagles that would like to string you up!

You must have more enemies than Iran by now; do you have to leave your house in a disguise to go to the grocery store? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

Anonymous – Columbus, Ohio

A: Well “Anonymous” it’s a lot like when Johnny Cash sings….
“Wanted man in California,
Wanted man in Buffalo
Wanted man in Kansas City,
Wanted man in Ohio

Wanted man in Mississippi,
Wanted man in ole’ Cheyenne

Wherever you might look tonight you might see this wanted man

I might be in Colorado,
Or Georgia by the sea
Working for some man who may not know who I might be

If you ever see me coming and if you know who I am

Don’t you breathe it to nobody ’cause you know I’m on the lamb.”

EDITORS NOTE: Anytime I can work in a Johnny Cash quote it’s going to be a good day

THE 2011 CFB WIZARD AWARDS

The Michael Jackson Never Land Ranch Award

The winner of this award goes to former Penn State Defensive Coordinator Jerry Sandusky for reasons that should be abundantly obvious.

EDITORS NOTE: Like you I have read several articles from a number of publications that stated that the other coaches on the Penn State staff, to include the head coach “should have known” something was going on with Jerry Sandusky.

I am confused by such comments and I will tell you why…
Because it’s very difficult to say what goes on with someone when you are not at work with them, even if you work long hours together over long periods of time.

If someone you work with has a drinking problem, you might, on an occasion smell alcohol on their breath, but in this case I would think it would be more difficult to detect the smell of cotton candy and ten year old boy butt.

I’m sorry, Too soon?

Santa’s Little Helper Award

This is a new award is presented to that college football team or individual that has exhibited the ability to touch lives around the country through their work “Off the Football Field”

The first recipient of this very important award goes to none other than…..

Former Ohio State Buckeye Coach Jim Tressel for his extensive and noteworthy performance in the popular children’s Christmas Program “Santa Opens a Tattoo Parlor”.

Congratulations Jim!

Quotable Coach of the Year Trophy

The winner of the “Coach’s Quote of the Year Trophy” goes to Montana Tech Coach Bob Green when he said; “Those guys we are playing this week are rougher than a Pine Cone toilet seat”

Enjoy a few more classic sound bites from Coach Green here, they are priceless.
Click on the picture and enjoy….

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Two Bits, Four Bits, Six Bits a Dollar everyone that has a head coach whose wife looks like a ten dollar hooker stand up and Holler Award

This unusual Award goes to none other than the Arizona Wildcats for hiring Rich Rodriguez who felt obligated to bring his wife Rita to the “Welcome to Arizona” news conference.

And although Rita Rod was dressed more like a five dollar crack whore, she was the closest contestant to winning this prestigious honor.

Who am I kidding she was the only one in the running.

Congratulations, I think

The Ebonics Geography Award

This prestigious award goes to the team and or conference that exhibits a complete lack of geographical awareness and the winner is…..

The Big East Conference

Who recently added Boise State, San Diego State, Houston, SMU and Central Florida to their (BIG EAST) conference and unless I missed something there isn’t anything “EAST” about any of the teams mentioned above.

Newest Catch Phrase that can be used in Almost Any Situation Award

The latest “catch phrase” that can be used in almost any situation:

“The Monkey Turd fell off the Cheese”

As in….

Stanford’s Andrew Luck looked like he was going to win the Heisman Trophy and then his Monkey Turd fell off the cheese”

EDITORS NOTE: No need to thank me for this phrase, it’s what I do. I’m a trend setter.

Mystery of the Year Award

This Award sponsored in part by Agatha Christie goes to none other than the Kansas Jayhawks who have created quite the mystery by making us all wonder…..

Is there a minimum weight requirement to be the head football Coach at Kansas?

Lewis Grizzard Award for Media Savvy and Abstract Thought

This award named after the greatest Southern humorist that ever lived…..

The award goes to the former Head Coach of Coastal Carolina Bennett Presser for this post game news conference this past season which quickly became a YouTube sensation.

Sadly the University let Coach Presser go at the end of the season after posting a 7 -5 record, but his words will live forever in our hearts.

Click here to view the embedded video.

That Drunk Guy at the Game Award

This award is given annually to the guy who best represents his or her University or college as the most obnoxious or stupid representative of their fine institution while under the influence of alcohol at a college football game.

The runner-up in a very close contest…..
From burning their own respective couches to tackling trashcans, the Mighty West Virginia Mountaineer Fans are always in the running for this award.

Click here to view the embedded video.

And the Winner is…..

This Ohio State Fan representin’ the Buckeyes.
This example of excellence in over intoxication will forever be remembered for his efforts and the indelible stains left on the floor. AND, he gives Ohio State a big win in SOMETHING this year, so congratulations!

Frankly the video is simply to gross to show….
But suffice to say I think at some point we have all seen vomit….

How Proud his parents must be….
Now THAT is money well spent on a quality education!

The National Spelling Bee Award

The Winner is……
Auburn University for their perennial prowess in misspelling their own name

The Phil Fulmer Award sponsored by Krispy Kreme

This award goes to Kansas Jayhawk Coach Charlie Weiss who continues to defy the forces of nature and gravity by eating his weight in Ding Dongs, Hot Dogs and Bear Claws on a daily basis.

The Worst Mascot in Collegiate Sports Award

I really don’t see any University ever unseating the Geoducks of Evergreen State for this award.

That mascot looks like ah, well you know…..

Click here to view the embedded video.

The “Our Cheerleaders Are Also On The Scout Team” Award

This award goes to those precious girls roaming the sidelines of Georgia’s Sanford Stadium. This Bulldog eye candy is 100% Prime Cut Beef and will kick your ass if you don’t stand up for the National Anthem.

The Collard Greens Award for Southern Sports Writing presented by the Demopolis Alabama Agriculture Extension Office in Beautiful Demopolis Alabama.

Modesty prevents me from telling you the first four time winner of this prestigious award in Southern Sports writing is none other than Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator.

Your adulation embarrasses me…

Have a Great Weekend…
Your first installment on the Bowl picks will be out tomorrow, so stay tuned…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

This week’s picks will be in Honor of the Marine Corps Birthday and Veterans Day.

Since 10 November 1775 The United States Marine Corps has stood on the Nation’s porch like a Pit Bull waiting to be unleashed when the occupants of the house are threatened.

We have served in peace and for the past decade, a lot of war, a lot of war.

Some people categorize us as “military”, we are that but we are also a cult; a cult that doesn’t believe in putting your hands in your pockets, walking on grass when wearing dress shoes or carrying umbrellas under any circumstances.

And by chance if you were wondering why the Marines in your workplace this week were always an hour early to work or an hour early to meetings the reason is very simple.

Regardless of the time change real Marines don’t “fall back” for any reason.

I want to take this opportunity to wish a very Happy 236th Birthday to all my Marine Brothers and Sisters past, present and future. And please don’t forget that Friday is Veteran’s Day

If you see a Veteran, don’t thank them for their “service” that sounds like they just got finished rotating and balancing your tires. Thank them for your “Freedom” because that is what their blood, sweat and tears in uniform bought for you.

Enjoy your Picks…..

POST WEEKEND REPLAY

I certainly do appreciate all the “get well” cards this past week and I want to assure you that the liver transplant I received at Wal-Mart from the automotive department went surprisingly well.

I was a bit hesitant about buying a liver from “China” but before you ask how I knew the liver I purchased was from China, which by the way can be found in Wal-Mart between the Sporting Goods and Automotive Departments, it’s because I have this craving to eat a plate of Chicken Chow Mein and loan a large sum of money to the United States government.

I just wish they wouldn’t have used Velcro to stitch me up with….
That stuff catches on everything…

Too bad I didn’t Velcro My picks last week, I might have done better.

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 53 and 13 or 80% last week.

And that leaves The CFB Wizard at 545 and 143 or 79% for the season after 10 weeks.

We have a lot to discuss, so let’s get to it.

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC country!!!

With the Big Blue Trojans of Telfair having ended their season, I was set to take a hiatus until next year with this column and do some huntin’ and maybe a little fishing over at Little Ocmulgee Lake. However, The CFB Wizard talked me into hanging around until the end of the High School playoffs and, maybe, the College season.

I am humbled and grateful that people actually read what I’ve written. However, I was kind of at a loss as to what to do with my Friday nights. Well, I decided to take the long drive down to Folkston, Georgia to watch the home standing Indians of Charlton County take on the Clinch County Panthers to see firsthand how the power brokers of Region 2-A were doing in an annual game they call the “Swamp War”. It’s a long 90 mile ride around the Okefenokee Swamp and through the Spanish moss laden water and scrub oaks, between Homerville and Folkston. But that didn’t stop the visiting Panthers from bringing a large contingent of supporters to see this clash of 2-A Titans.

This 60th edition of The Swamp War had important playoff implications as each team was jockeying for playoff seeding positions in upcoming post season play. Clinch, the defending 2010 Class A champions of Georgia from West of the Swamp, came up just a bit short in a 21-14 loss to the Big Indians from East of the Swamp. The Tribe’s Tre Hamilton continued his assault on the hallowed Charlton County record books as he posted over 100 yards rushing and scored 2 touchdowns in the win. This well played game was another classic in the 60 year old rivalry between two of the tradition rich schools of South Georgia’s powerful 2-A region. Next week Clinch travels to Mitchell County and Charlton will host Miller County in the first round of the second season of 2011.

Everyone in the state of Georgia knows who Isaiah Crowell is, where he’s from, and they probably know everything there is to know about his diet, his dreads, and what classes he takes at the University. But, quick, who were the running backs for the Cow College against New Mexico State on Saturday?
Unless you read the write ups in the sports sections of your local papers you never would have guessed Branden Smith, a defensive crossover, and former walk-ons Brandon Harton and Kyle Karempelis. Who?

In a scenario reminiscent of the movie “Rudy”, these seldom used backups got to run for glory in a 63-16 romp over the Agriculturists from out West. In a pay off game scheduled as a break before the big Auburn showdown next week, Georgia will undoubtedly be excited to see Crowell and company back in the fold. And, by the way, the loud cheering you heard late Saturday night in Athens wasn’t “Dooooooogs”, it was “Hooooooogs”, as the Fayettville Fatback crew did their jobs in helping the Canines to the top of the SEC East heap.

In Hot-lanta, the Rambling Wreck got a week off to get a tune up and prepare for a big Thursday night showdown with the Turkeys from Vah-Tech. It remains to be seen whether the calculator commandos will be able to punch in a winning formula to try to take charge of the ACC Coastal Division.

And up in Eagle Creek, the Blue Clad Crows got a little divine intervention and Christmas in November combined, as they squeaked by the Cadets from the Holy City in a Bone vs Bone showdown at “The Prettiest Little Stadium in America.” The Eagles must have still had the Mountaineer Blues in a 14-12 game. But they blocked 2 Knob extra points, which proved to be the difference in the game. In the upset bid which was eerily similar to last years miracle over the Mountain Men, the Cadets lined up for a field goal in a last second upset bid of their own. 13 seconds left with a 37 yard field goal attempt in Gale force winds. It was so windy that Georgia’s bald eagle mascot, Freedom, could not make his pregame flyover.
The snap. The kick. “I thought I made it,” said the Citadel’s Ryan Sellers. “It was right down the middle,” said Eagle’s corner Laron Scott. “I couldn’t even look, and then I heard everyone yelling,” Suddenly, miraculously, the wind kicked up again. Sellers: “It was right down the middle, and the wind caught it…and it went wide right. It was the best feeling in the world, and then the worst.” Time runs out. The team that Erk built eeks out a win. Despite the close call, the outlook for Southern’s bid to win the SoCon got a little better with a loss by those same Boone Boys to the Paladin’s of Furman. But they’ll have to win on the road at the home of the Southern Conference’s number 2 team, the Terriers of Wofford to stay ahead of the pack. Yes, folks, the plot thickens….

In case you hadn’t heard, over in Tuscaloosa, there was a game between the Bayou Bengals and the Crimson Tide in a matchup of biblical proportions. The Cajun Cats came up with a little luck of their own as they squeaked by the hometown pachyderms by a 9-6 score. I don’t know about anyone else, but to me this was a thoroughly enjoyable game, which reminded me of how football was played in a bygone era. Lots of defense and hard hitting, like Ali-Frazier, feeling each other out, and looking for an edge. The Tide proved to be their own worst enemies though, as they had 2 missed field goals and one that was blocked. This proved to be their downfall as LSU, hung in, made some big plays, and finally came away with a win in overtime. At the end of the game, The Mad Hatter was asked if he’d like to play Bama again if things worked out right. His answer? “I’d be honored to play that team again.” Don’t know about anyone else, but to me, that’s class. That scenario probably won’t play out, but I’d love to see Clash of the SEC Titans II.

Over in Fayetteville, Arkansas, the Hungry Hogs did their part in spoiling the Columbia Cocks season as they came away with a 44-28 win. The chickens are struggling as of late with injuries and dismissals. Conner Shaw showed some dazzling running ability but also showed flashes of First Year Starter woes as he was unable to hook up with All World receiver Alshon Jefferies very often and was finally knocked out of the game late in the 4th quarter. The Head Ball Coach is doing some good things in South Carolina but he still hasn’t been able to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. He gets the receivers and defensive players, but he still hasn’t been able to pull in a big name High School quarterback to get them over the mountain. Next up for the Cocks are the Reeling Reptiles from Gainesville in a make or break game to try to keep up with Georgia for SEC supremacy.

Elsewhere, the Nebraska Farm Hands had their hands full with a bunch of Crazy Cats from Northwestern. The Felines proved to be rude guests as they came away with a 28-25 win in Lincoln. I think the Corn-shuckers are going to have to revise their expectations of running away with the Big Ten-ish Division crown.
In Columbus, Ohio, the Buck-nuts eased by a 1-9 Hoosier squad 34-20. As impressive as they think their season is the 6-3 Ohians still had a much tougher time against this perennial cellar dweller than they anticipated.
And then there’s Tommy Tubberville’s Texas Tech Tankers. I’m still scratching my head over the Red Raiders. The Gunslingers come away from a road game in Norman with a 41-38 win over the Sooners, and then got embarrassed by Iowa State and followed it up with another stinker against Texas. A 52-20 loss is not hangoverish after Oklahoma. It’s I aint got a clue football at it’s finest. But enough of that. There should be plenty of shuffling in the standings this week, as 7 of the top 25 teams were beaten. Things are about to get interesting as we draw closer to the Bowl season we are down to 5 undefeated FCS teams and only a few weeks left in the season.

Once again, it’s time for the Peach State Prognostication. I’ve been hitting the little smart pill machine (to borrow a famous expression from Leonard Postostis) and doing tons of research, to make the most accurate pick possible. The Dogs looked pretty good against an overmatched opponent from 2 time zones away. Crowell got a rest, and Murray impressed. The Slide Rule Jocks took a week off to revamp a porous defense and to try to tune up an offense that until last week looked like it had thrown a rod. As the game creeps closer and closer, I’m starting to see something in my crystal ball that looks like a Georgia win: 28-27.
Yep, I’m sticking to it.
Nothing much happened to change my mind over the weekend, so I’m taking the easy way out and it’s a repeat of last week’s star gazing.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
I know you only write about college football but I have to ask you with all the labor disagreements between the players union and the owners do you think we will see any Professional Basketball this year?

James – Alexandria, Virginia

A: There is such a thing as “professional” basketball?

Who knew?

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard

A co-worker of mine forwarded me the link to your sports “column” and I had the displeasure of having read your tripe. I don’t know which was worse, your inability to grasp the English language, your latent tendencies towards racism and sexism or the fact I won’t ever be able to get that time back I wasted from reading your ridiculous ramblings.

Perhaps in the future you could learn something from a simple children’s book entitled…
“Middle English: a primer for beginners”. That would be a good start

Sincerely – Debra, Columbus, Ohio

A: “Middle English”?
You never mentioned that you were a fan of “The Lord of the Rings” or that you were an angry midget, which may explain your anger management issues.

Q: Hey Wizard!
You did it Man! You called it! The Louisville Cardinals beat West Virginia!
How did you do it! What’s your system?
Thanks!
John – Louisville, Kentucky

A: Thank you John, but I don’t have a “system” for such prognostications.
I am nothing more than a genius; unfortunately my “gift” seems to be confined to games of which I am not “emotionally” involved with.

Q: Dear Sir –

As a registered clinical psychologist I can ascertain from your column that you may have a disorder caused from having a myriad of personalities at least that is my preliminary diagnosis from reading your columns.
Do you find that you have any symptoms of a multiple personality disorder?

Sincerely – Dr. Richard Jacobs MD, Boston, Massachusetts

A: Gosh Doc you make that sound like it’s a “bad thing”

The Great thing about having multiple personalities is that I can have a party all by myself.

Q: Dear Sir,

It’s me again and I’ve got a problem I was wondering if you might help me with.
I didn’t want to write that Dear Abby lady cause she gets kind of snippy and sassy sometimes and right now I’m sensitive and vulnerable.
You remember how I just loved me some Tim Tebow?
Well, if you’ve been under a rock for a little while, he up and left from Flarda and run off out west to play some more football with somebody else.
I was heartbroke.
I couldn’t believe that two timer would leave me and the whole state of Flarda and not even tell me bye. I still love that boy but if he ever comes back I’ll have a sharp eye out on him.
Anyway, since I got over Tim Tebow I didn’t have nobody to love and admire and then I saw that John Brantley fella. You know, he’s cute enough, and all that but he just don’t twirl my propellers like Tim Tebow did. You know he didn’t even have an exotic and foreign sounding name either. I mean, Tim Teeeeeebow just sounds so French or Spanish or something.
So I just want to know this. Do you thank that Muscrat fella that’s running the Gater team will ever go out and pick him up a fella to play quarterback for the Gaters that is as dreamy, and cute, and just plain purty as Tim Tebow?

Thanks for listening Mr Wizard

Tracy in Homassassa

A: Tracy; Timmy has been gone for a couple of years now, you need to move on.

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
I read this week that it is the Marine Corps Birthday and wanted to wish you and all the other Marines a Happy Birthday! But I also have a question for you that I hope to share with the third grade class I teach here in Platte City, Missouri.
After all the countries you Marines have to deployed too, particularly the past ten years or so, are you required to learn several languages?

Thank you

Margaret – Platte City, Missouri

A: No ma’am, we don’t go to those places to talk.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

PENN STATE: I have written this and re-written this piece. I am still angry, but this is all I have to say for now concerning what is going on at Penn State. I hope I can be coherent this time around.

So Penn State is going to let the big money donors and the national media drive them to FIRE a college football Legend for what, because Joe “should” have known something?

I wasn’t aware “should have known something” was a crime

I also wasn’t aware that was a criteria for firing somebody, then maybe I should be the “only” source of College Football News (I suppose I am anyway) because the entire National Sports media and media in general “should have known” the “real” story about Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans for five damn years, right? Do you need some more examples, some maybe a little closer to “home” for some of you expert media types, because I have a few more I could share with you.

There is a lot I could say about this topic and the way Coach Joe has been treated this past week, but I will simply say this; you should all be ashamed of yourselves for the way you are treating Joe Pa and believe me; you vultures will reap what you sow

AUBURN: This week the Auburn Tiger Family lost a true matriarch….

Evelyn Walker Jordan, the wife of Auburn’s legendary coach Ralph “Shug” Jordan.

Mrs. Jordan died following a brief illness last Thursday at age 98. She was laid to rest this week at Holy Trinity Episcopal Church in Auburn this week.

She was a native of Augusta, Georgia and grew up in Macon, Georgia and Columbia, South Carolina where she received a bachelor’s degree in sociology from the University of South Carolina.

She did graduate work at Tulane University in New Orleans and later earned a master’s degree at Auburn, where she served as Panhellenic adviser and worked as a counselor for married and international students for many years.

She received the university’s Pamela Wells Sheffield Award in 1992 in recognition of her service and commitment to Auburn.

And I would like to add…..

Miss Evelyn was a real Southern Lady and a fine person.
She was class, dignity and strength covered in Southern Charm.
They don’t make too many ladies like her anymore.

She will be deeply missed, deeply missed.

ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL STUDIO: The problem about trying to talk about “all” the other sports going on during College Football Saturday’s is that it can have a tendency to tongue tie the commentator. Such was the case this past Saturday when everybody’s favorite ditzy sports blonde ESPN’s Wendi Nix had this to say in the College Football Pre-game Studio Show….

“And to NASCAR, this weekend….
We will see if Tony Stewart can take home another Checkered Fag this weekend in Texas….”

EDITORS NOTE: And that my friends is why I don’t follow NASCAR…
I think they have taken this “Diversity” thing a little too far.

OKLAHOMA STATE: Your Quarterback is 28 years old? Really?

Shouldn’t he have been playing in the NFL for like five years already?

CBS COLLEGE FOOTBALL: From the “Here we Go Again” files….

We all know Vern “The syphilitic dwarf” Lundquest and Gary “Dumbass” Danielson don’t have anything good to say about anything related to the University of Alabama Crimson Tide and I finally figured why….

They are still hooked on “Cammy Cam Juice”

You gibbering idiots do know that stuff has an expiration date, right?

ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL PART II: This one is from the…..
“What’s Good for the Goose is Good for the Gander” File….

The fact that ESPN is losing all their credibility as a College Sports “News” outlet with most of their main college reporters, writers and contributors (Feldman, Forde, etc.) departing ESPN Bristol, Connecticut may just be leaving themselves trapped with the corrupted Craig James for more days and years than sports fans see fit.

Especially since sports fans’ days of Craig James employment ran out 23 months ago when Texas Tech gave up on their pirate head coach due to ESPN’s interference based on a James’ infamous complaint.

I think it’s time to start a “Fire Craig James” Campaign

After all…..

“What’s Good for the Goose is Good for the Gander”

Right?

OKLAHOMA: So you are ahead of the Aggies 41 to 10 in the fourth quarter and you keep your starters in to try and score more points, right?

Real Classy Sooners, real classy.

TEXAS: Speaking of the Aggies of College Station….

The folks from Austin have produced a t-shirt that has become immensely popular on campus…

TEXAS A&M: Now before all you Aggies start sending me nasty emails (again)

I want to give equal time to some talented folks from Aggieland that produced this short video.

I don’t care who you are, this is funny.

GIG EM

Get through the brief advertisement at the beginning and Enjoy…

Click here to view the embedded video.

BCS COMMITTEE: This past week it was reported that the BCS Committee “didn’t think” that the White House and the President of the United States would file a Federal lawsuit against the Bowl Championship Committee in an effort to “shake up” the Championship process.

EDITORS NOTE: Gosh….

I would really hope that the “White House and the President of the United States” would have more important things to worry about other than who plays who in a damn bowl game.

I don’t know…
Like maybe unemployment, the War in Afghanistan and the economy in the crapper.

You know, “little things” like that

NORWICH: You won last week just like I said you would with your talented Long Ding.
You have the most talented Long Ding in the Country, Congratulations.

NEBRASKA: What the Hell Cornhuskers? North – Best Western, Really?

What is that a Rand McNally Road Atlas College?

A Hotel – Motel School?

Somewhere Tom Osborne is crying….

LSU: Like the lady is saying (in so many words) below, you are Number One, but not by much.

Congratulations on a Great win in T-Town.

THE GAMES

Tuesday November 8th

Northern Illinois at Bowling Green
I rarely guarantee one of my Picks, but I am feeling unusually confident with this pick.
HUSKIES 45-14

Western Michigan at Toledo
I must really be in the zone today.
ROCKETS 66-63

Wednesday November 9th

Miami (OH) at Temple
UPSET SPECIAL!
I feel like my streak from Tuesday is continuing, it’s a just a feeling
HOOTERS 24-21

Thursday November 10th

Ohio at Central Michigan
The Chippewa’s’ are more Dip than Chip as of late.
FRANK’S CATS 34-24

Houston at Tulane
They say it ain’t over until the fat lady sings…..
She sang her heart out six weeks ago for the Green Wave
MIGHTY COUGARS 63-17

Virginia Tech at Georgia Tech
This game is going to be a back and forth affair…..
Last team with the football, wins……
YELLOW JACKETS 34- 31

Friday November 11th

South Florida at Syracuse
I have picked Phil Fulmer’s cousin (Otto the Orange) for three straight weeks…
And they have lost for three straight weeks….
And that is…
NO BULL 28-17

Saturday November 12th

Michigan at Illinois
By now you should know that every Big Ten (something or another) game is a “big” rivalry game…
This game is no different….
It is played annually for the highly coveted “Gunnysack of Flatulence” Trophy
It’s like a leather whoopee cushion…..
Never mind..
WOLVERINES 38-24

Texas at Missouri
I saw the episode when the Three Stooges go “Out West” so I know that..
MO knows stampedes…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 38-28

Susquehanna at Juniata
The two toughest women in the trailer park square off…
Susie and Juanita
This is going to be a brawl, but just one thing “ladies”
No hair pulling…
SUSIE Q 23-17

Ohio State at Purdue
This terrific Big (Whatever) Conference Rivalry is played for the “Bucky Otter Trophy”
If you ask me; it looks like a buck toothed ground hog with a funny tail.
BUCKY EYES 33-17

Pittsburgh at Louisville
Coach Charlie is a lot Stronger than the Kitty Cats from Iron City
Believe it
STRONGER CARDINALS 28-17

Marshall at Tulsa
Against my better judgment I am going with “Upset Special”
Call it a feeling, I just hope it’s not gas
WE ARE MARSHALL 31-28

Rice at Northwestern
The Hoot Owls actually won a game last week (I’m serious)
And the boys from Rand McNally picked the Cornhuskers in Lincoln.
I will go with the corn pickers in this one
CORN CATS 38-21

Kentucky at Vanderbilt
This game is going to be close……
Real close….
It could go either way, believe it
BIG BLUE 24-21

North Carolina State at Boston College
The Pack of Wolves took down the cross state Tar Heels last week…
While the Eagles got plucked by the Seminoles….
I think the Birds stay plucked this week
WOLF PACK 33-17

Ursinus at Dickinson
This game worries me….
I just hate to think about Emily Dickinson having a sinus infection…
It disrupts by poetry reading time
EMILY 24-17

North Texas at Troy
I think Troy is about to get an unhealthy dose of….
MEAN GREEN 24-21

Buffalo at Eastern Michigan
I don’t know about Buffalo’s football team, but their wings are delicious
EAGLES 43-10

Virginia Military Academy at Presbyterian
The Keydets will be far too distracted by the sight of the Blue Ho’s to be effective in this game.
Also the VMI football team sucks….
BLUE HO’S 44-13

Georgia Southern at Wofford
I cannot begin to understand why someone would name a college after a pesky cough.
After all it is the cold and flu season
SOUTHERN EAGLES 28-24

South Dakota State at Western Illinois
You don’t think I would go against the Leathernecks on the Marine Corps Birthday do you?
Of course not…
LEATHERNECKS 34-28

Kent State at Akron
This game is the second in a series of rivalries for Akron…
Akron and Youngstown State play for the “Steel Tire” Trophy…
This game is played for the “Donut Spare Tire” Trophy
It’s very prestigious
FLASHING GOLD 31-28

Baylor at Kansas
The Hawk’s of Jay “might” win this game….
And I “might” be invited to Fat Phil Fulmer’s house for Thanksgiving
Neither of which is very likely
DA BEARS 38-24

EDITORS NOTE: Not that I would be interested in a Turkey stuffed with Krispy Kreme donuts. That’s disgusting…

Delta State at West Georgia
The Fighting Okra has been frying the competition the past few weeks.
Get the grease hot, and break out the flour there is another one headed for the skillet….
FIGHTING OKRA 43-21

Carson Newman at Mars Hill
The Spark has returned to the Eagles and just in time too…
SPARK’S EAGLES 34-28

Wyoming at Air Force
The Mighty Falcons won the Commander in Chiefs Trophy last week…
They will Fly High this week too…
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-17

Arizona at Colorado
I had every good intention of watching this game but I got “two” words for you…
“Sea Monkeys and Sea Monkey Accessories”
That was actually six words, sorry…
WILDCATS 21-17

Duke at Virginia
I have some Exciting News for the Fans of the Blue Devils!
Basketball season is almost here!
Not that I care….
CAVALIERS 28-17

Louisiana Lafayette at Arkansas State
The Red Wolves have been devouring the competition lately and Lafayette is allergic to dogs.
Enough said…
RED WOLVES 38-17

Nebraska at Penn State
Without Joe Pa on the sidelines I really don’t give a damn

Navy at Southern Methodist
These two teams square off and play each year for the “Gansz Trophy”
I am not exactly sure what that looks like, but I know it’s staying in Dallas.
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-17

Texas Christian at Boise State
At the beginning of the season I would have thought this was going to be a real clash.
The Horned Frogs will keep this one interesting….
For awhile anyway…
BRONCO’S 34-24

Rutgers at Army
The Black Knights of the Hudson will keep this one close until the fourth quarter and then as they say in New Jersey (Pronounced: New Jorsey)
“Fugggit bout it”
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 28-17

North Alabama at Valdosta State
The Blazers get torched and the Florence Lions are headed to the Division II playoffs.
Believe it…
MIGHTY LIONS 24-24

Washington at Southern California
Let’s see….
The Huskies have the next to worse defense in all of major college football….
Yeah, sometimes it’s just that easy to pick the games.
LAME TROJANS 43-17

Marist at San Diego
I am glad that Marist finally got a vacation and San Diego should be warm and sunny.
She is a total red fox
RED FOXES 24-17

Youngstown State at North Dakota State
The Penguins of Youngstown….
(Didn’t I tell you that school was ten miles from the Arctic Circle, do you believe me now?)
Take on the Thunder of the Plains in the Mighty Buffalo…
(A penguin cannot whip a Buffalo, I don’t care what Walt Disney says)
BISONS 41-38

Northwestern State at Sam Houston State
Sam Houston was the Hero of San Jacinto and the President of the Republic of Texas
That’s good enough for me…
Remember the Alamo
SAM THE MAN 43-17

North Dakota at UC Davis
“UC Davis, I See France, I saw your Grandma in her….”
Never mind…
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 34-17

UCLA at Utah
I heard the Two Ute’s were Bruin up something special for this game, get it?
I amuse myself sometimes, well actually most of the time.
TWO UTES 28-21

Florida Atlantic at Florida International
This Battle in the Sunshine State is called “The Shula Bowl”
And it’s played for the “Don Shula Award”
You know….
I can remember when Coach Shula actually made sense…
HILTON’S CATS 31-24

Oregon State at California
Say whatever you want to about me….
But I am all about the Beavers
MIGHTY BEAVERS 33-31

Maryland at Notre Dame
This game is between two teams heading in the same direction….
Nowhere fast…
FIGHTING IRISH 38-34

Louisiana Tech at Ole Miss
Every time I have seen Coach Houston Nutt the past few weeks I think one thing…
“Dead Man Walking…”
REBEL BEAR’S 24-17

Central Florida at Southern Miss
The Mighty Golden Eagles of Hattiesburg are on a Seven game winning streak..
Make it “Eight”….
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-17

East Carolina at UTEP
This game with the Miners reminds me of a song that Tennessee Ernie Ford used to sing….
“Sixteen Tons and what do you get…”
An ass whipping by the Pirates…
I think that’s how the song goes..
PIRATES 43-17

Western Kentucky at LSU
O’ Yeah this One will be close….
Not…
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 171-3

Fresno State at New Mexico State
Lasso Larry has been bitten by Dogs more than a mailman, I’m sorry “mail person”
Break out the pepper spray Larry here they come again!
BULLDOGS 28-24

Oregon at Stanford
This is the “big” game in the PAC (something or another) Conference to determine who the top team is on the Left Coast. Maybe this is just wishful thinking on my part….
Maybe I will get Lucky…
QUACKERS 34-28

Texas Southern at Grambling State
They call this game “The Bayou Classic”
And it always is, to include the great Marching Bands at half time.
This one will be no different
ROB’S TIGERS 38-28

Idaho at Brigham Young
I wonder how the Mormons in Provo feel about the “Ida Honkies” coming to town?
I love me some Ida Honkies…
COUGARS 34-17

Hawaii at Nevada
This game puts my Black Lab “Doc” in a quandary….
On one hand (or paw as the case may be) he likes Hawaii because he really likes “Dog the Bounty Hunter”; but he secretly pretends to be a wolf when he thinks I’m not watching….
Particularly when I leave my Pizza unattended…
PIZZA eating WOLVES 43-24

Arizona State at Washington State
I would watch this game…..
But I am in the process of learning all the words to “Funky Town”…
SUNNY DEVILS 6-3

Alabama at Mississippi State
The Bully Dogs have a problem….
A whole bunch of Angry Elephants are coming to Starkville
CRIMSON TIDE 28-10

West Virginia at Cincinnati
The Mountaineer faithful have had their couches soaked with kerosene for over a week…
Just waiting for a Victory….
You may now light the fires and begin the long overdue celebrations
MOUNTAINEERS 31-24

Oklahoma State at Texas Tech
GET THOSE GUNS down RED RAIDERS!
COWBOY UP! 43-17

Texas A&M at Kansas State
I know that all the pundits will pick the Wildcats in this game.
But I am not a pundit, I’m Baptist.
GIG EM AGGIES 28-24

Auburn at Georgia
They call this game…
“The Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry”
It’s going to be a good one
SIC EM DAWGS 34-24

Florida at South Carolina
Nobody (and I mean No Body) is giving the gators a chance to win this game.
I’m not just anybody….
It’s going to be close, real close and it could go either way.
GAMECOCKS 24-21

Tennessee at Arkansas
The Volunteer fans like to say “Go Big Orange!”
I say “Orange Crush”
HAWG-ZILLA’S 38-17

Miami at Florida State
This fierce instate rivalry in the Sunshine State is played for a lot more than a “trophy”
It’s played for a set of gold crunk teeth, a zodiac medallion and a 2 Live Crew CD….
Get your funk on Seminoles…
SEMINOLES 34-21

Wisconsin at Minnesota
This Big Ten (Something or another) Rivalry is played for the highly coveted…
“Gopher Cheese Trophy”….
That sounds kind of nasty if you ask me….
BUCKY BADGER 41-24

Michigan State at Iowa
This is going to be smash mouth “old” Big Ten Football at its finest.
It’s going to be one heck of a game; I am going with the home team in this one.
HAWKEYES 24-21

Wake Forest at Clemson
The Mighty Tigers are rested and Wake Forest has a wonderful Liberal Arts program designed to fit each students needs and desires to fulfill their dreams for the future.
That about sums it up….
DABO’S TIGERS 43-17

Enjoy Your Games….

Happy Birthday Marines and Keep your Hands out of your Pockets

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Being this close to Halloween I would have to say last week was more “Tricks” than “Treats” particularly if you were a Wisconsin Badger or an Oklahoma Sooner.

Those folks must feel like Charlie Brown with a Halloween sack full of rocks.

I know the feeling….

Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 49 and 14 or 78%
(I know, I’m upset about it myself)

That leaves me at 449 and 107 or 81% after Eight Weeks of College Football.

Enough about me…

We have a lot to discuss this week, so let’s get to it

Enjoy your Picks…..

COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAY OF THE WEEK

A loyal reader sent this request in for the “Play of the Week” and added….

“Thank you Michigan State. Love the Tiger from Clemson”

If you haven’t seen this one, then you don’t know what you missed.

Enjoy the replay…

Click here to view the embedded video.

HALLOWEEN SAFETY TIP

My friends Halloween is right around the corner and unfortunately this happy occasion for the “little ones” can turn deadly if the proper precautions are not taken.

I am talking about (of course) the potential close encounter of the “ugly kind” your children could have with former University of Tennessee football coach Phil “The Pumpkin” Fulmer.

As you should know by now, this is the time of the year that the “Great Pumpkin” aka Phil Fulmer will rise out of the Pumpkin Patch and eat small to medium size children of all ages.

There is no need to fear….

By taking the proper precautions you can eliminate any potential problems and be worry free this Halloween, while the youngsters enjoy their tasty treats given to them by complete strangers.

Parents, remember Phil Fulmer is the third largest mammal walking upright so he won’t be difficult to spot, however he is a “master of disguises” so here is what you need to look out for when you answer your door.

Anyone who comes to your door who is dressed like “Shamu” the killer whale that is also the same size as Shamu could possibly be Fat Phil the child eater.

Anyone who comes to your door or who is seen in your neighborhood appearing in a “costume” that is the same size of and resembles the State of Kansas could be the Great Pumpkin Phil Fulmer.

If you see him, do not try and subdue him yourself, he is hungry and his appetite for anything sweet is ferocious. The fact that you have been handling candy all evening could result in the loss of an arm if you attempt to stop him.

If you suspect Phil Fulmer is lurking around take these simple precautions and all will be well.

Simply yell “Roll Tide!” or “Go Gators!” and he will begin to run (or waddle as the case may be…) and then call your local Animal Control Authorities who will dart him down.

I hope you all have a very safe and enjoyable Halloween
(No need to thank me, it’s what I do)

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC country!!!

Well, our hometown heroes, the Telfair Trojans, took it on the chin again this week with a 53-7 home loss against the powerful Clinch County Panthers. Although the score doesn’t reflect the fight and grit these kids put into this game, they played their hearts out. Big Blue was led on the ground by Austin Ban who had 93 yards on the ground to go with a 97 yard run and a touchdown and on defense by Zak Pitt who had 7 tackles. The Trojans will no doubt pick themselves up and dust themselves off as they get ready to take on the Lanier County Bulldogs down in Lakeland Georgia in a big Region 2-A showdown. The Bulldogs are 3-3 in the Region and sport a 5-3 overall record. While the Blue Clad Boys dropped to 1-8 on the season, there is no doubt plenty of fight left in these kids and hope to come away with a win.

Up in Athens, the Home State Hounds took a much deserved week off and are preparing for the annual showdown in Jacksonville, Fl against the hated reptiles from Gainesville. This is a much anticipated matchup in which the Red Clay Dogs are sporting a 5 game winning streak and hope to take momentum and Lady Luck with them to the River City to send the Gators back to the Swamp smarting from a sound beating. The Georgians are more than eager to avenge some bittersweet moments at the event know as “The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party” and partake of a champagne celebration. Mark Richt, who has been feeling a little discomfort this season, could quell a lot of dissent among the Bulldog Nation with a win, so there’s plenty of motivation on the coaching staff to have a good showing.

Speaking of good showings, the North Avenue Trade School didn’t quite calculate the outcome of their debacle down in Coral Gables. The Bumble Bees pretty much bumbled along on offense all day as they came out on the short end of a 24-7 score which gave them 2 straight losses. This isn’t the “U” of Irvin and Sapp folks. This Hurri-chain-gang team is just trying to get back to respectability and pretty much dis-respected the Jackets as they held them to season lows in numerous offensive categories. Next up for the Wreck is Clemson. Yes, that was an intentional metaphorical statement because the way the Tigers have been playing, this team won’t make it back down I-85 without getting some major engine and body work done on them after this game.

And over in Statesboro at the House that Erk Built, the undefeated Eagles of Georgia Southern maintained their hold on the number 1 ranking in FCS football with a sacrilegious ritual thrashing of the Presbyterian Blue Hose. The resident denizens of “The Prettiest Little Stadium in America” erupted for 31 points in the 2nd quarter as they tore through these Sad Stockings like a porcupine through a pair of grandma’s panty hose in the 41-14 win. The next stop for GSU is a trip North to Happ Brewer Stadium to take on arch rival Appalachian State. There is no love lost here as the Mountaineers will be looking to avenge last year’s 21-14 Overtime loss to the Eagles to bring their tenure as the number 1 FCS team in the country to an end.

Over in T-town, the Tide turned back the Tennessee Coon-skinners by a 37-6 score. The Red Elephants were somewhat quiet in the first half as evidenced by a 6-6 score at the half. However, Nick Saban must have had quite the pep talk at halftime as the Alabamians erupted for 31 second half points to put the game out of reach.

In Baton Rouge, the Bayou Bengals proved who really is the Big Cat in the SEC West by dominating the listless felines of Auburn by a margin of 45-10. By the time the final gun sounded you would have thought that the visiting Eagles had flown into a window as they staggered out of the stadium completely plucked. One thing this reporter noted was the subtle use of an Obama head shot poster to signal something in to the Auburn quarterback. After much head scratching, it became obvious what the signal meant: “Change” the play and “Hope” it works. It’s obviously not 2010 anymore down on the plains.

So, now we have set the tone for the Showdown in T-Town.
A Battle of Epic Proportions.
A no-hold bars death match between the two behemoths of the SEC.
Yes, it’s Alabama hosting LSU in a Game of the Century to determine SEC supremacy, and likely, who will advance to the National Championship game.
Mark Nov 5th down on your calendars ladies and gentlemen.
Both teams have byes this week, no doubt as the Evil Genius and Mad Hatter scheme and plot for the big showdown.

Over at Clemson, SC the Dabo Swinney’s Tigers succeeded in kicking a mountain goat off of the mountain by unleashing young Tajh Boyd, Sammy Watkins, and company and taking a 59-38 win. The Baby Blue clad Heels were on a slippery slope early as the Orange Cats were comfortably on top with a 59-24 lead at the end of the 3rd period. A couple of late touchdowns made it a little more respectable but it looks to me like there’s a ticking time bomb in the Upstate of South Carolina, waiting to explode onto the BCS scene.

In the battle of the “over”rateds, the USC Trogladytes upended the Doomers from South Bend by a 31-17 score. And why do we care? Because their little rivalry game adds to the pageantry of a competitor from a lesser conference taking on a has been who the media loves to boost to lofty positions, only to have their Fannies smacked by the SEC come bowl time.

And now it’s time for the weekly Peach State Prognostication. The Dogs didn’t even play this past weekend to have a better showing than the Calculator Bandits. The Technical Institute is struggling mightily and the year end game to close out the season looks like it could turn into something akin to a bully taking away a playmates toy. The pendulum has clearly swung back in favor of Georgia, but there’s still a lot of football to be played between now and November 26th. I’m sure Paul Johnson is as puzzled by the latest developments but if he doesn’t right the ship, there’s going to be a train wreck on I-75. That would leave a bad taste in the mouths of Jacket fans that a chili dog and lemonade from the Varsity won’t take out. Georgia is no offensive juggernaut by a long-shot, but they’ve got enough. Georgia 35-10.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Sir,

As the governor of the Great State of West Virginia, I feel it my duty to “get the word out” and announce a change to a recently enacted law.
The law, known as the Couch Restraint Anti-burning Protocol (CRAP), was passed to try to prevent sporadic fires from sprouting up in all parts of Morgantown and other cities after wins by the prestigious University of West Virginia.

Although, we never had any casualties, we were concerned with the atmospheric emissions and foul odors by various types of sofas being set aflame. We didn’t feel that love seats or settees were as offensive as others. Sectionals were found to be the most offensive combustibles as different parts of this furniture piece could be piled on the charred remnants of pieces previously burned.

However, due to much public outcry from the citizenry of this great state, we have amended the law as long as burning is done in a responsible manner and in limited circumstances.

First, the only type of furniture that may be burned from this point on will be easy chairs, recliners, and lawn furniture. This will help eliminate the possibility of a rampant wild “sofa” fire getting out of control.

Second, lying on a sofa while it is being consumed by flames will no longer be tolerated.

Third, the above mentioned celebrations will be limited to games played against top 25 teams that result in a win of over 21 points.

This should satisfy the denizens and fans of our great football team and, if applied in a safe manner, result in a celebration worthy of the pride of the Great State of West Virginia.

Sincerely,
Earl Ray Tomblin
Governor
West Virginia.

A: Thank you for writing your Governorship

Q: DEAR MR WiZARD,

FiRST oFF SoRRy BouT All ThESE CApTAl lETTERS BuT SomEThin BAD hAppEnED To my CompuTER ThE lAST TimE I WEnT To MACDonAlDS. By ThE WAy, hAVE you EVER TRiED To TAkE onE A ThoSE DESk Top CompuTERS AnD A BiG olE moniToR AnD kEyBoARD ThAnGS in ThE BACk oF A pickup up To SomEplACE WiTh ThAT FREE WiFi STuFF? IF iT DonT GET BRokE, iTS DAnG hEAVy AS ThE DiCkEnS. WEll, WhAT hAppEnED WAS I WAS EATin my pAnCAkES AnD SyRup AnD SAW ThAT liTTlE EmA JEAn BuSTEmillER WAlk in WiTh ThiS liTTlE olD Skimpy Bikini Swimmin SuiT on AnD I DRoppED my ElBoW RiGhT on ThA EDGE A my plATE. WEll, ThAT DAnG ThAnG FlippED up AnD lAnDED RiGT on ThE SiDE A my kEyBoARD AnD EVER SinCE All ThEm DAnG BuTTonS on ThE lEFT SiDE oF iT BEEn Typin CApiTAl lETTERS EVERy TimE I WRiTE SomEThin CAuSE I CAnT GET Tha SyRup ouT. AnyWAys, I GoT mE a QuESTion AnD iTs A DooZy. Do you ThAnk ARE CoACh, MR MARk Rik iS GonnA GET FiRED AFoRE ThA EnDA ThE SEASon? Im juST WonDERin CAuSE EVERBoDy WAnTS him GonE AnD ThATD juST lEAVE BoBo and ThA DEFEnSER Guy. Well ThAT SET mE TA Thinkin BouT WhoD TAkE oVER CAuSE EVERBoDy WAnTS ThEm GonE Too!! WhATChA ThAnk MR WiZARD?

GO DAWGS!!!!!!!!!!!!
LEmuEl in LuDoWiCi

PS – CAn you Tell mE SomEWhERE I CAn GET my DAlE CompuTer FiXED. ThERES A BunChA FolkS DoWn hERE lAuGhinG AT mE SAyin ThERE AinT no SuChA ThAnG AS A DAlE AnD ThAT iTS SupposTABE A DEll. WEll DAlE iS pAinTED on hERE AS puRTy AS you please So ThEy DonT knoW WhAT ThEyS TAlkin BouT.

A: Lemuel for the love of God, get that computer fixed, this email gave me a damn headache.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

ESPN’S MARK MAY: I guess there is a first time for everything….

I actually agreed with ESPN’s Mark May last weekend when he said….

“Missouri is acting like they actually have something to offer the Southeastern Conference, they haven’t done anything in the conference they are in so why are they acting like the pretty girl at the school dance when they clearly aren’t”

ESPN’S LOU HOLTZ: The pearl of wisdom above was quickly followed by Coach Lou saying..

“I don’t care what you say Mark, today’s game between Southern California and the Fighting Irish is the biggest game of the day, they have played each other every year since 1825….”

EDITORS NOTE: What? 1825? Coach you must have that confused with the year you graduated High School but in all fairness, the above quote from Coach Lou was translated by the CFB Wizard Staff from a recording of the Game Day Studio telecast. So a mistake on “our” part is “possible” here. After all the original recording of Coach Lou sounded like this….

“I don’t sssshhhhhhhhhhhh whatsssssssss you shayssssssssss todayssssssssss (tremendous spitting sound) the (inaudible sound) between the ssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhouthern Californiassssssssss Trojanss (repetitive spitting sounds) and the Fighting Irishhhhhhhhhhhhhsssssssss (gurgling spitting sounds) biggestss game day played (inaudible sound) sishhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (inaudible sound) 1825”

This of course was followed by Mark May’s voice in the background saying…
“Will someone please get me a towel Coach spit on me again!”

ILLINOIS: It’s too damn close to Halloween for the Fighting Pumpkins to be losing.

What the hell is going on up there?

UAB: If you all haven’t done so already…..

Get your winter coats out; Hell has indeed frozen over……

The Blazers won a game last week

THE BIG EAST: It’s official the Big East Conference is openly recruiting Schools from around the country to join their conference, their “recruiting poster” is popping up everywhere and it is very catchy, don’t you think?

I found this one in my mailbox attached to a Hardee’s Flyer…..

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I don’t give a Shillelagh that you won some damn crooked stick

CARSON NEWMAN: I never thought I would say this….

There is no Spark left in this year’s once Mighty Eagles

TEXAS TECH: Last week I wrote….

“So Red Raider fans…..
How do you like that Coach Tommy Tub now?
If he is a “defensive genius” then I’m a Polish Astronaut”

I am now legally changing my name to Buzz O’Branowitz

Congratulations Red Raiders….

DELTA STATE: Congratulations to the Mighty Fighting Okra for frying the Blazers of Valdosta State last week to remain the Number One Team in Division II College Football.

ESPN COLLEGE GAME DAY: This past Saturday was Coach Lee Corso’s 200th Head Gear Pick on College Game Day. Win or Lose Coach, we love you and Saturday’s wouldn’t be the same without you.

DELAWARE: You lost to Rhode Island last week….

Those damn people don’t live on an island so you lost to a bunch of liars, I hope you are happy

TENNESSEE: This prognostication has nothing to do with last week’s game….

Next year’s game between the Tennessee Volunteers and the Florida Gators…

Will determine who will win the SEC Eastern Division….Believe it.

SOUTHERN MISS: I should never have gone against the Golden Eagles in Hattiesburg….

Even if they were playing the Mighty Mustangs.

Great win Eagles….

OKLAHOMA: Oops…………

WISCONSIN: Badgers please see “Oklahoma” above and add “Damn It”

HASKELL INDIAN NATIONS UNIVERSITY: The Indians of Haskell Indian Nations University are having a tough season and currently haven’t won a game this year.

But in Haskell Memorial Stadium in Lawrence Kansas I hear the footsteps of Legends.

On that natural grass field the Greatest Athlete the World has ever seen used to run…

Before he went to Carlisle Indian School in Carlisle Pennsylvania

It was the Home to The Great Jim Thorpe

I can’t forget it and I hope they don’t either

THE GAMES

Wednesday October 26th

Connecticut at Pittsburgh
I have a “good feeling” about this one
Call it Prognosticators Intuition.
PANTHERS 35-20

Thursday October 27th

Rice at Houston
This Rivalry in the Great City of Houston is a Big One
It’s played for the “Bayou Bucket”
This one is easy
MIGHTY COUGARS 55-10

North Alabama at West Alabama
This clash in Alabama is between two teams trying to claw their way back to the top.
Another loss by either of these teams and they won’t make the Division II Playoffs.
This game is THAT Important
FLORENCE LIONS 33-21

Virginia at Miami
The Hurricanes have proven they still have some wind left in their sails and the Cavaliers are picking up speed. It should be a good one…
HURRICANES 28-24

Friday October 28th

Brigham Young at Texas Christian
The Cougars will get skinned in Cow Town, Believe it
HORNED FROGS 43-17

Saturday October 29th

UAB at Marshall
Can the Blazers win “two” games in a row?
I have three words for you…
WE ARE MARSHALL 34-17

North Carolina State at Florida State
It is physically impossible for a pack of wolves to outrun Chief Osceola on Horseback.
I know this because I saw it on the History Channel, so it has to be true.
SEMINOLES 38-17

Purdue at Michigan
I love these Big Ten (or Twelve) Rivalries, don’t you?
This one is played for the coveted “Hagfish Trophy”
Which interestingly enough, was inspired by and designed after seeing former Michigan Wolverine Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita” in a swimsuit.
WOLVERINES 38-14

Drake at Marist
That Drake Boy can talk all the smack he wants to about this game.
It doesn’t change the fact that Marist is a real Fox
RED FOXES 28-20

Juniata at McDaniel
It’s a sad world we live in when Ronald McDonald’s half brother McDaniel would rather mess with Juanita than try and help his half brother catch the Ham Burglar.
J-LO 24-17

Northwestern at Indiana
I can’t get enough of these Big Ten or whatever Rivalries.
This one is played each year for the prestigious “Catfish Bucket” signifying between these two bottom feeders of their conference which team doesn’t suck as bad as the other team.
WILDCATS 24-17

Central Michigan at Akron
I can’t wait to see this game!
I have never seen a Chippewa ride Rocket and before you ask…
“Yes” I am that easily amused
RICKEY ROCKET 33-28

Syracuse at Louisville
Otto laid the Orange on the Mountaineer’s last week and the Cardinal’s shocked the Jersey Boys
I am going for the upset in this one
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!
STRONGER CARDINAL’S 24-21

Arkansas at Vanderbilt
The Commodores will get sunk by the Hungry Hogs in Music City.
HAWGZILLA’S 43-17

Virginia Tech at Duke
Last night the Blue Devils cancelled their pep rally for this game due to lack of interest.
Enough Said…
HOKEY POKEYS 33-10

Alabama A&M and Alabama State
Legion Field Birmingham Alabama
This Alabama Rivalry is called the “The Magic City Classic”
And it always lives up to the name and the hype
This game is the Biggest one yet, one team is number one and the other team is in the top 5…
This one is going to be close, real close
HORNETS 28-24

Salve Regina at Plymouth State
The Yugoslavian beauty took down the Mississippi Institute of Technology last week…
I am betting she still has enough spunk left to take care the Plymouth Boys..
Do they even make Plymouth’s anymore?
SWEET SALVE 31-17

Bowling Green at Kent State
This Rivalry in the Buckeye State honors the state highways separating the two universities.
It’s played for the “Chuck Hole Award” sponsored by the Ohio Department of Transportation
FALCONS 28-24

Virginia Military Academy at Citadel
This rivalry between two military colleges has been played every year since 1920….
It’s called “The Military Classic of the South” and it’s played for “the Silver Shako”
I have a question….
Why in the world would they want to play for a bait fish?
KEYDETS 21-17

Furman at Chattanooga
In case you didn’t know…..
Chattanooga is the Home of the Moon Pie
That’s good enough for me here
MIGHTY MOC’S 34-28

Ball State at Western Michigan
The Bronco’s are fading fast and the Cardinal’s won’t quit.
This one will still be closer than you might think
CARDINAL’S 33-31

Murray State at Eastern Kentucky
I have never liked the Colonels from Eastern and I’m not about to start now.
PACERS 31-17

Air Force at New Mexico
I don’t know what has happened to these two teams
The United States Air Force has been dropping duds and the Lobos are playing like Hobos
This one is a toss-up
FALCONS 24-17

Idaho State at Montana State
The “Ben Gals” have “Been Gone” since the season kicked off…
BOBCATS 38-14

Boston College at Maryland
I would watch this game but watching Maryland’s Fighting Linoleum Kitchen Tiles uniforms on the big screen gives me vertigo, sorry….
LINOLEUM TILE TURTLES 28-24

Georgia Southern at Appalachian State
The Eagles of Southern maintain their Number 1 ranking after this game, but just by the hair of their chinny chin chins.
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-31

EDITORS NOTE: The “Chinny Chin Chin” comment above was not intended as a reference to any Asian peoples living or deceased or any characters from the wildly popular television program “Kung Fu” So don’t send me any nasty emails or I will pluck the pebble out of your hand Grasshopper.

Susquehanna at Franklin Marshall
I don’t think Frank knows what he is getting into here….
Susie just got her hair done at the Beauty Parlor
You don’t mess with a woman after she just got her hair done, even I know that
SUSIE Q 24-21

Washington State at Oregon
How can I but this gently?
The Cougars suck more than a Hoover Nuclear Vacuum Cleaner
Sorry, that’s as gentle as I know how to say it.
QUACKS 156-3

Weber State at Montana
I sincerely believe the Folks at Weber Grills make the best Outdoor Grills on the Planet.
And I am thrilled that they have their own college….
But that of course has nothing what so ever to do with this game.
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 43-10

Navy at Notre Dame
I would watch this game on NBC, which of course stands for “Nothing But Catholics” but there is a Kenny Rogers “The Gambler” marathon on TBS at the same time.
Did you ever notice Kenny gets younger looking by “The Gambler Part VII: Brady Hawkes and the Temple of Doom”? Never mind….
FIGHTING IRISH 28-17

Missouri at Texas A&M
Two teams that couldn’t spell “Defense” if you built them a Fence and gave them a “D”.
If you like offense, this is your game
GIG EM AGGIES 44-38

Baylor at Oklahoma State
You know what they say in Texas don’t you?
“It Sucks to B U”
COWBOY UP! 43-24

West Virginia at Rutgers
Neither of these teams wins when they are favored and neither of them loses when they are an underdog. But I do like to see a nice sofa on fire……
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 24-17

Southern Methodist at Tulsa
Please don’t question my logic in this one, because I have none.
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Oklahoma at Kansas State
This Game in the Big 12 (Light…) is going to separate the Contenders from the Pretenders
It’s going to be closer than you might think
BOOMER SOONERS 28-21

Wake Forest at North Carolina
This Instate Rivalry along Tobacco Road is always a Brawl, even if it doesn’t mean anything.
HEELS of TAR 28-24

Tulane at East Carolina
By the time this game comes on Kenny Rogers in “The Gambler Part XIII: Brady Hawkes and The Botox Gamble” will be on so I can’t watch it, sorry.
PIRATES 28-17

Hamline at St Olaf
In the words of that famous urban philosopher M.C. Hammer….
“It’s Hammy Time”
ST OLIES 33-13

Florida at Georgia
With all due disrespect to University of Georgia President Mike Adams…
This IS and will ALWAYS be….
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”
Don’t leave your seats, this one is going to be really close
DAWGS 28-24

Iowa at Minnesota
This Rivalry game in the Big Ten (something) is my favorite of all their Rivalry games.
It’s played for the coveted “Floyd of Rosedale” Trophy (Pictured below)

I ask you, who wouldn’t want a big ole pig trophy?
My point exactly.
HAWKEYES 28-17

North Dakota at Northern Colorado
Northern Colorado has some breath taking scenery……
Yep, that’s about it
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 34-17

Memphis at Central Florida
The Boys from O Town (Not the defunct musically challenged Boy band)
Have stumbled as of late, but the good news is I think Elvis’s Tigers have left the building
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 28-13

Hawaii at Idaho
The “Warriors on a Rainbow” invades the Land of the “Ida Honkies”
Sounds like the only thing missing is a “Rainbow Bright” reference
BOUNTY HUNTING WARRIORS ON RAINBOWS 38-17

EDITORS NOTE: You didn’t really think I would pick Hawaii without making a reference to “Dog the Bounty Hunter” did you?

Jackson State at Prairie View A&M
The Prairie is going to get mighty lonesome after the Tigers are finished
WALTER’S TIGERS 38-10

Colorado State at UNLV
Remember what they say….
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas….
Unless it happens to be a fungus that you can’t quite identify”
RAM TOUGH 24-14

Ursinus at Johns Hopkins
I have on “good authority” that the above named visiting school is named after a unique and rare medical condition caused by “sneezing and breaking wind at the same time” causing both a sinus and a urine infection simultaneously.
Consider this your medical tip of the week…
JOHNNY HOP 38-10

Iowa State at Texas Tech
You think I would pick against Tommy Tub and the Red Raiders after last week?
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS! 34-17

Mississippi State at Kentucky
If they let the Wildcats play with a basketball in this game It would be a different story..
Something about that “pointed football” seems to confuse them
BULLY DAWGS 31-14

Ole Miss at Auburn
It’s like the commercial says…..
“Sometimes you feel like a Nutt but at the end of this season they are firing his dumb ass”
WAR DAMN EAGLES 34-21

California at UCLA
This game is scheduled to be on Saturday Night at 2330 EST on ESPN U….
Which unfortunately conflicts with Kenny Rogers in the final installment of the series entitled “The Gambler Part XXVII: Brady Hawkes The Plastic Surgery Gamble”.
I have to watch the entire series, you understand
O’ SO Very GOLDEN BEARS 24-17

Kansas at Texas
Dorothy you aren’t in Kansas anymore….
HOOK EM HORNS 34-17

Brevard at Carson Newman
I still have faith in the once mighty Eagles……
But it is dwindling…
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-24

North Texas at Arkansas State
The Wolves are seeing Red and the Mean Green are rolling.
There is enough color in this game that even a colored blind guy like me can enjoy it.
RED WOLVES 31-28

South Carolina at Tennessee
Remember you heard it here first…..
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
VOWELS 24-21

Nevada at New Mexico State
They need to add a few more light bulbs on the scoreboard for this one…
It has the potential to be a high scoring affair
PACK of WOLVES 43-38

Stanford at Southern California
The one and only reason I am pulling for the Trojans (God have mercy on my soul)
Is because I am sick and tired (exhausted really) of hearing about Andrew Luck of Stanford.
Listen closely….
HE HASN’T PLAYED ANYBODY WORTH A CRAP!
GOT IT?
LAME TROJANS 33-28

Wisconsin at Ohio State
The Buckeyes are in a bit of a Fickled Pickle in this matchup….
But something tells me it’s going to be closer than you might think and could go either way.
BADGERS 28-24

Southern Miss at UTEP
I doubted the Mighty Golden Eagles last week…
I won’t make the same mistake this week.
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-16

Clemson at Georgia Tech
Three weeks ago this game was billed as a “Clash of the Titians…”
They were half right….
There is going to be a clash, but there is only going to be one “Titian” playing in this game
DABO’S TIGERS 43-17

Wyoming at San Diego State
Cowboy Down! Cowboy Down! Cowboy Down!
ANCIENT AZTECS 33-17

Arizona at Washington
I was going to watch this game, but I will be so exhausted from watching all the Kenny Rogers “The Gambler” Movies that I won’t be able to stay up and watch this game which kicks off at 0200 ETS Sunday morning.
WILDCATS 24-17

Michigan State at Nebraska
The Children of the Corn are rested but I can’t go against the Mighty Spartans..
Not after what they did to the Bucky the Badger last week
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 28-24

Illinois at Penn State
Joe Pa’s not scared to smash a Pumpkin, believe me I know what I am talking about here.
JOE’S LIONS 31-24

Oregon State at Utah
Interesting fact in this game…..
When “Leave it to Beaver” was on television both Wally and the Beaver were both two Ute’s.
Bet you didn’t know that
TWO UTES 34-17

Colorado at Arizona State
Again I feel obligated to point out that…..
The Buffalos haven’t won an away game since William McKinley was President
DEVILS of the SUN 43-10

Next week we will have the Heavyweight Match that everyone is talking about

Here is your preview….

Click here to view the embedded video.

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

This week….
I write to you from high atop my mountain compound that is the RTR Ranch and Sanatorium.

I felt obligated to be in a “safe” place to write this week since the Illinois Fighting Pumpkins and the Kansas State Wildcats are both undefeated (6-0) for the first time since the Pilgrims played a Thanksgiving Football game. Because as we all know, that is one of the first signs of the coming Apocalypse.

But enough about the end of the world, let’s talk College Football

Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…
Despite screwing up the “High School Player of the Week” nominations…
And getting embarrassed with “Upset Specials” that only seemed to upset yours truly..

Was an astounding 48 and 11 or 81%
(Please hold your astonishment until the very end of the article..)

That leaves the CFB Wizard after 6 weeks in the college football season at 348 and 77 or 82%

Now you may release your individual astonishment…

Enjoy your Picks…

HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER OF THE WEEK

The 50th annual Winnersville Classic in Georgia between the Valdosta Wildcats and Lowndes County Vikings was played in front a packed Martin Stadium last Friday night with the Wildcats coming up with an amazing 21-17 victory. The Cats were led by Jr. Quarterback Shelby Wilkes who was a backup player when the season started. This improbable win was the first for Valdosta since 2003 and seemed all but impossible heading into the final minute of play with Lowndes up 17-7 on the visiting Cats. Wilkes led the Cats on a 60 yard drive with 48 seconds left. Valdosta then recovered the onside kick to give Wilkes one last shot. That was all he needed as he connected with Avery Burney for a 35 yard touchdown to send the visitors to a victory.

Congratulations to Shelby Wilkes and the Valdosta Wildcats!

SOUTH GEORGIA NEWS and VIEWS

Hello from the heart of SEC country!!

I’m sad to report that the hometown Trojans lost another tough game to Region 2-A opponent Irwin County Friday night. The boys in blue traveled to Ocilla to take on the home standing Indians and came away on the short end of a 21-3 score. These boys played tough and fought hard all night but just couldn’t push the rock across the goal line. The season may be two thirds complete, but you can see definite improvement with every game that goes by.

Next up is a trip down south to Folkston, Georgia to take on the 6-1 Indians of Charlton County. It’s going to be a long trip to take on a tough team, but I’ve got faith that the Trojans will represent Telfair County with pride and courage.

Up in the Georgia state capitol, the Paul Johnson’s Bee’s took on the Astro-Terps of Maryland and held on by the fuzz of their thoraxes for a 21-16 win. Two weeks in a row these bees knees have played down to the competition. The Trade School was held to a season low in points, total offense, and passing yards against one of the weak(er) sisters of the Almost Competitive Conference. Defense got a stop in the 4th quarter to actually salvage a win. The Wreck takes on Virginia next week in another game against a less than stellar opponent.

Meanwhile, up the road in Knoxville, the Red Clay Hounds took on the Orange Clad Volunteers and walked away with a 20-12 win. The 6-6 score at halftime didn’t begin to tell the tale of futility of the two opponents as the two teams traded field goals. The Cow College distanced themselves in the 3rd with a couple of touchdowns and the defense played with inspiration to turn the orange-clad Knox-villains away and keep them out of the end zone. Next up for the Hounds is a tough Vanderbilt team coming to play between the hedges. The Dawgs continue to show improvement as the season goes on, but, the true test of their mettle will be in two weeks with a trip to Jacksonville for the renewal of the annual World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.

And up in Statesboro, the Pigeons hung on to pin a loss on the visiting Snakes from Chattanooga. The Eagles took a 21-7 lead to the locker room at halftime but the Mocs put a scare into the hometown crowd by tying the score with just over 9 minutes left in the fourth. QB Jaybo Shaw put the hometown heroes up with a Southern 4th quarter score but the Chattanoogaan’s weren’t done as they also scored the potential game tying touchdown. Fortunately, Eagle’s defender Josh Rowe rushed the Mocs QB on the 2 point conversion attempt and the ball fell harmlessly to the Erk Russel rug to preserve the number 1 ranked Eagle’s win.

In other action, a new era was ushered into Williams-Brice Stadium as the Kentucky Wildcats traveled to Columbia to take on the Conner Shaw led Gamecocks. What a difference a week makes. After being left for dead by the Barners of Alabama, the Gamecocks hung 54 points on the Lexington Big Blue. And once again the defense got in on the action with 6 turnovers. It’s only Kentucky, Gamecock fans, so don’t make reservations to the SEC Championship game yet.

Over in Bryant-Denny, the Tuscaloosa Pachyderms sent the Commodores down the gang plank as they sunk Vanderbilt 34-0. A.J. McCarron had season highs in TDs and passing yards as the Boys from Bama posted scores in all 4 quarters in another convincing SEC win.

Mark November 5th on your calendars folks.
The immovable object meets the unstoppable force as the Bayou Bengals travel to T-Town for a game that may also leave people on the front rows of the stadium battered and bruised!

Over in Fayetteville, the Razorbacks took on the Tigers from the Plains, who have an identity crisis since they have an Eagle for a mascot, and dropped the visitors to 4-2 on the season with a convincing 38-14 win. The Aubies were soundly thrashed by their hosts and left holding a rather tenuous grip on 3rd place in the SEC West.

Elsewhere, the Oklahoma Sooners took on the Longhorns of Texas in the Red River Rivalry. No, Texas, that wasn’t a Sooner Schooner that ran over you, it was a Mack Truck. The Pioneers thoroughly dominated Bevo’s Boys to the tune of 55-17. It was close after 15 minutes but once the Okie Dokie got hot they tore through Texas like a prairie fire.

Clemson continued its winning ways with a sound win against the visiting Boston College Iggles. QB Tajh Boyd was hurt in the win but it’s not thought to be too serious. The Orange Tigers take on the Rambling Wreck in Bobby-Dodd in two weeks in a game which will determine which of these two is a contender and which one is a pretender.

Up in corn country, the Corn Shuckers turned away the Nutty Buddies of Ohio in one of the greatest comebacks in Nebraska history. The Taylor Martinez led Farm Hands came back from a 21 point deficit to turn the visitors around and send the visitors back to Columbus sporting a 3-3 record. And finally, the Golden Domers topped the Wing Nuts of Air Force 59-33. In the first of two games against the Service Academies, the South Benders routed another less than stellar opponent in their attempt to occupy a spot in the bottom of the top 25. But, one question comes to mind that I’ve always wanted to ask. Why does a Catholic School have a mural of Touchdown Jesus in their end zone? Are they trying to send a message to the Pope?

Now it’s time again for the Peach State Prognostication. I really didn’t see much to get excited about from either team. But, get ready Dawg fans, for the pendulum is swinging.

I’m going to have to go with the Clark Countians by a 27-21 score this week.

Why, you ask? Simple; Defense. The Jackets don’t have much and the Dawgs do. The futility of the offenses offset each other. Plus, after coming off of a rough two weeks to start the season, the Athenians are showing character in winning by any means necessary.
I could be wrong, but gut feeling says the tide may be turning.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.

And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

(FULL MOON) EMAILS OF THE WEEK

Q: You are a damn raciest! I have never in my life read such garbage!

Do you have any idea that comparisons like you made with Coach Phil Fulmer to monkeys are raciest?
Or are you just that stupid? I have never read anything so insulting and degrading!

You should apologize for such disgusting rants.

Debra – Nashville, Tennessee

A: Thank you so much Debra for taking the time to point this out to me.
You are right.
I want to take this time to apologize to any Chimpanzees, Gorillas, Orangutans or Spider Monkeys that were offended by my comparisons of them to the vile and disgusting Phil Fulmer.

Q: Dear Mr Wizard,
I got this question that’s kinda puzzlin me an yore bout the smartest man on tha planet so I figured you could help me. I was watchin a football game on tha TV and they had this thing they give out that made me just scratch my haid. See theres this award they give to tha “top African-American scholar athlete.”
I just don’t understand that.
Aint that racist?
Didn’t that Marty Lutheran King fella say sumpin bout judgin folks by the contents of their characters and not by the color of their skin or sumpin like that? Well if you is judgin folks by that how can they just give out a award for a Afircan American college football fella cause he’s Afircan American?
And here’s sompin else that’s got me ta just shakin my head. They got that club called the N-A-A-C-P. Just in case you didn’t know, that means National Association for the Advancement of Colered people.
Well, I don’t know bout where you come from, but down in these here parts, if you say sumpin bout colered folks, theres some people that get real riled up. I mean, I don’t know whether ta say colered, or black, or Afircan American.

So, can you help me out and set me straight on somma this stuff. Im real confused.

Lemuel in Ludowici

A: Thank you for the fine compliment Lemuel, but I’m not sure I can help you out on this topic as I prefer to identify people by their names and not by something else. But…..
The good news in all this is that “Saltine Crackers” will be promoting their own scholarship athlete in the coming weeks.

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –

We are Big Fans! We love your column!
We have a question for you Mister Wizard!
So like what is the first thing you do every morning to get you ready for the day?

GO MIZZOU TIGERS!

Delores, Margaret and Janice – Kansas City, Missouri

A: Thank you for the kind email Ladies…
When I wake up the first thing I do each and every morning is….

“Remember the Alamo”

Q: Dear CFB Wizard –

I noticed that some weeks you “don’t do so well” on your college football picks.
(No disrespect intended)
So what is your secret to bouncing back from a tough week?
I am having kind of a tough time myself and was wondering what your secret was?

Thanks Dude your website rocks
Steve – Spartanburg, South Carolina

A: Thank you for the compliment on the website Steve..

I wouldn’t suggest my “method” for clearing one’s mind to anyone Steve it is far too harsh and potentially dangerous but “IF” you decide to submit yourself to such a treatment, then I can only wish you good luck and I will not answer any phone calls from your personal injury attorney.

I would suggest listening to “Black Oak Arkansas” backwards for three hours.

Then you will understand what they truly mean by “Jim Dandy to the Rescue”

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

SOUTH CAROLINA: So Coach Steve…..
You didn’t decide to take a knee in the last minute of the game; instead you opted to score again.
Then you thought it was “cute” to be a smartass at the post game news conference and make fun of Kentucky’s futility in the game. Classy Coach, real Classy.

Then to make things even better….
You have a complete PMS meltdown at your Tuesday news conference over (of all things) a reporter being in the room “you didn’t like”.

And to top it all off you kick Stephen Garcia off the team for what, the thirteenth time?

Sounds like somebody needs to retire…for good.

OREGON: Aren’t you all on probation yet or are you still Ducking the NCAA?

TEXAS: I was always told if you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.

So I won’t

DR. PEPPER COMMERCIAL: If I see your stupid commercial featuring some jackass in sunglasses singing some stupid Hip Hop crap to Dr. Pepper again; in the name of Elvis I swear I am going to shoot my television screen out.

AIR FORCE: I can’t believe I saw the United States Air Force get Bombed last Saturday…
And for the record I am talking about the game with Notre Dame not Saturday Night’s shenanigans at the Officers Club.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: How are you Trojans enjoying your Lame Kitten?

TEXAS A&M: I hope my article this week helped with you all with your “marriage plans”….

No need to thank me

TENNESSEE: I know Volunteer fans are frustrated, it’s because you are impatient and were used to winning, even if it was with thugs and criminals. But let this be said and let it sink in…

This is the first time in at least twenty years…..

Twenty years….

There hasn’t been any off season arrest of ANY Tennessee Football Players…

No Rapes, No attempted Murders, No Thefts, No Drunk and Fighting Police..NO Nothing.

This Coach has the team headed in the right direction and is in the process of restoring integrity to the football program; all you have to do is give him a chance.

That is unless having rapist, drug dealers and thugs on the team are “Ok” as long as you are winning.

OKLAHOMA: Congratulations on a Big win in the Red River Stampede

KENTUCKY: Coach Phillips this isn’t a Joke….

You better get it get it together real quick….
Even though The Kentucky Wildcats are the Men’s Basketball Flagship of the Conference, the Wildcat faithful don’t like getting their respective asses handed to them in such a rude fashion.

NCAA: The latest news….

MONTGOMERY, Ala. (AP) — The NCAA says it found no major violations committed by Auburn regarding Cam Newton or other pay-for-play allegations.

The NCAA released a statement Wednesday saying it has closed its 13-month investigation into Auburn’s recruitment of the Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback, whose father shopped his services to another school for nearly $200,000.

The NCAA also cleared Auburn in allegations by four former players that they received payments during their recruitment or careers.

The NCAA says “any allegations of major rules violations must meet a burden of proof, which is a higher standard than rampant public speculation online and in the media.”

It also says the investigation could be reopened if evidence surfaces.

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t think this is over, because it isn’t. More next week….

THE GAMES

Thursday October 13th

Texas Southern at Alabama A&M
This game is what college football is all about….
Cats against the Dogs
The Tigers of Southern will come up short in this contest
But their “Ocean of Soul Marching Band” is not to be missed
BAMA DOGS 31-27

Delta State at North Alabama
The Fighting Okra against my beloved Florence Lions
Both of these teams are red hot, but I have to go with the home team
(It’s an Alabama thing….)
MIGHTY LIONS 34-28

San Diego State at Air Force
I don’t know if the Falcons can recover from being carpet bombed by the Fighting Irish…
But I am betting they will…
FALCONS 33-31

Southern California at California
This “big” instate rivalry in California has been “renamed” recently to….
“More accurately reflect California values…”
Thus this rivalry is now named….
“The Illegal Aliens, Gay Lesbian Transgendered Diversity, Mudslides, Wildfires, Outrageous Taxes, Gridlock Traffic Game” or “IAGLTDMWOTGT Game” for short…

Catchy don’t you think?
LAMES TROJANS 17-10

Friday October 14th

Hawaii at San Jose State
I am as excited about this game as you all are….
I promise I am!
Because it reminds us all that “Dog the Bounty Hunter” will return to the A&E Network
This Fall on Wednesday Nights (Check your local listings for times)
WARRIORS Bounty Hunting across RAINBOWS 38-17

Saturday October 15th

Michigan at Michigan State
This instate rivalry is played each year for the coveted “Paul Bunyan Ax Trophy”
No word yet on who get’s “Babe” the Big Blue Ox.
WOLVERINES 38-17

Utah at Pittsburgh
Lately the Two Ute’s are playing like they got liquored up behind the playground.
Not that I am judging
I’m just saying….
TWO UTES 31-28

Salisbury at Alfred
I had no idea that the Salisbury Steak people had their own college.
That’s the kind of news that will give men everywhere hope
SALISBURY STEAK & GRAVY 24-17

Baylor at Texas A&M
This long standing Rivalry in the Lone State State has been played each year since 1899
They call it “The Battle of the Brazos”
It’s coming to an end because of the Aggies love of money
How proud they must be
BEAR DOWN 33-31

Indiana at Wisconsin
This “intense” rivalry in the Big Ten or Twelve is relatively new in comparison to their other conference rivalries. This particular rivalry is played for the…..
“Captain and Tennille Muskrat of Love Trophy”
As a safety tip: Always wash your hands after touching the Muskrat of Love Trophy
BADGERS 43-10

Toledo at Bowling Green
This battle in the Buckeye State is called “The Battle of I-75”
I think the winner gets a chunk of asphalt and a piece of an old guardrail
Which is nice
RICKY ROCKET 28-21

St Francis at Sacred Heart
Here we go again….
These arrogant people think they are the only ones with a “Sacred Heart”
Well I got a “News Flash” for them….
They Aren’t!
St. Francis was a pretty cool cat himself
PIONEERS 28-17

Campbell at Marist
I am not too sure about Gaylord the Camel
(But we all have our suspicions about Gaylord, don’t we?)
But I do know that Marist is a real Fox…
RED FOX’S 34-14

Moravian at Susquehanna
You may not believe this…
But Morey isn’t ready for Susie this Saturday….
She has a new pair of pink “Baby Girl” sweat pants and some Lee Press On Nails and that girl is ready for a tussle, Believe it.
SUSIE Q 28-10

Purdue at Penn State
You guessed it….
Another Big Ten or whatever game means “another” rivalry trophy
This game is played for the coveted “Joe Pa’s Dentures”
Which have bit the Boilermakers in the ass ever since the Lions joined the Big Ten.
Some things never change…
JOE PA’S LIONS 34-10

Louisville at Cincinnati
This Battle on the Ohio River is called “The Battle for the Keg of Nails”
And the winner of the game gets a…..
“Keg of Nails”
I think this game is sponsored by Home Depot
BEARKATS 28-24

South Carolina at Mississippi State
The Roosters and the Bulldogs sounds like a fight in the barnyard..
And that’s exactly what it will be too.
GAMECOCKS 24-20

Miami at North Carolina
These two teams confuse the hell out of me.
One week they look great and the next week…
They couldn’t beat the Breaux Bridge dance Academy
This one is a tossup
TAR HEELS 24-21

Navy at Rutgers
The Last team the Midshipmen went to New Jersey the local fans booed them…
That’s right…
They Booed the Midshipmen from the United States Naval Academy while the country is at war in two countries. I hope the Midshipmen haven’t forgotten it, I damn sure haven’t forgotten.
MIGHTY MIDSHIPMEN 31-24

Gardner Webb at Presbyterian
I have promised you loyal readers that I would have pictures of the Blue Ho’s Cheerleaders

I can’t tell if those ladies are cold or are they just big Smurf fans?
BLUE HO’S 34-17

UNLV at Wyoming
The Rebel’s haven’t been doing too much running and the Cowboys seem to have lost their horses, so this game is all about, who sucks worse than the other guys.
COWBOY UP! 21-17

Appalachian State at Citadel
The Mountaineers are going to take a rolled up newspaper and spank the Bulldogs.
MOUNTAINEERS 38-10

LSU at Tennessee
Last year…
The Volunteers had the Tigers beat in Death Valley until “simple math” raised its ugly head.
This one will be closer than you might think, a lot closer
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-21

Wabash at Oberlin
This game brings up a very interesting question….
I wonder if Oberlin can play the Wabash Cannonball.

I can almost hear Ole Roy Acuff singing now…

“Oh listen to the jingle
The rumble and the roar
As she glides along the woodlands
Through the hills and by the shore
Hear the mighty rush of her engine
Hear that lonesome hobo’s call
We’re travelling through the jungles
On the Wabash Cannonball”

Forgive me I was having a flashback there for a moment…
WABASH CANNONBALL 28-21

Furman at Georgia Southern
The Eagles of Southern continue their dominance for another week…
After a soundly thrashing of Furryman.
I wonder if that’s Chewbacca’s cousin.
SOUTHERN EAGLES 38-24

Florida State at Duke
Last week the Mighty Seminoles proved they weren’t so mighty after all…
They get their confidence back this week…
SEMINOLES 44-10

Rice at Marshall
Sorry Hoot Owls….
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-17

Jackson State at Mississippi Valley State
The Delta Devils get Deviled Egged in this one…
WALTER’S TIGERS 38-17

Northern Arizona at Montana State
The Lumberjacks of Arizona get chopped down by the pesky Bobcats
Believe it
BOBCATS 34-28

Eastern Michigan at Central Michigan
This instate Michigan Rivalry is played each year for the “Michigan MAC Trophy”
Not to be confused for the “Chili Mac and Cheese Trophy”
That thing is delicious
CHIPPEWA’S 28-24

Carleton at St. Olaf
This is a BIG Rivalry game and I’m not joking…
It’s called “The Cereal Bowl” and it’s played for The Goat Trophy and The Cereal Bowl Trophy
(Stop laughing, I’m serious)
ST OLES 31-28

Portland State at Montana
Last year the Vikings upset the Mighty Grizzlies….
Not this year
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 38-17

Juniata at Ursinus
If you think I am going to make a joke about Juanita having a Urine infection, you are wrong!
It’s a sinus infection
J-LO 24-17

South Florida at Connecticut
The Boy’s from Tampa get back to their winning ways this week
And that’s …
NO BULL 33-17

Colorado at Washington
This game isn’t too difficult to pick…
Since the Buffalo’s haven’t won a road game since William McKinley was President
HUSKIES 28-17

Miami (OH) at Kent State
Another Battle in the Buckeye state and this will be a good one…
It’s played each year for the “Kent State Sucks Trophy”
People up there like to think of it as a “Win-Win” kind of a thing…
REDHAWKS 31-28

Central Florida at Southern Methodist
The Boy’s from O-Town (Not the defunct musically challenged boy band)
Get a rude welcome to Mustang Country
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34

Ball State at Ohio
The Cats really let me down last week….
It looked like they were rolling to an undefeated season.
They will have to fight the Birds to get back to their winning ways.
It’s going to be close
FRANK’S CATS 28-24

Ohio State at Illinois
This Big Ten or whatever Rivalry is played for the “Illibuck”
To be honest, it kind of looks like a tangerine that has gone bad
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 31-17

Georgia Tech at Virginia
The Rambling Wreck will continue to Ramble until they meet the Mighty Clemson Tigers
YELLOW JACKETS 28-17

Montana Western at North Dakota
I know picks like this just drive the NCAA Speech Police crazy…
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-10

UTEP at Tulane
I get emails all the time from the Green Wave faithful asking…
“Are we going to win any games this year?”
And the answer is always the same….
No, no you will not…
MINERS 33-17

Tennessee Martin at South Alabama
I know, I know…
I do love Mobile Alabama, it’s one of my favorite places in the whole world
But the boys from Martin have a gunslinger at Quarterback this year…
Believe it..
SKYHAWKS 43-10

Western Kentucky at Florida Atlantic
In the immortal words of the great rural philosopher Forrest Gump…
“This game is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get”
Ain’t it the truth
HILLTOPPERS 24-17

Eastern Illinois at Murray State
This game is between the Panthers and the Racers…
I’m a 100 yard dash man…
RACERS 28-24

New Mexico at Nevada
I think the Lobo’s are on the down low for a yo-yo with a Hobo.
I’m not really sure what that means, but that was all I had for this game.
WOLFPACK 38-28

Oklahoma State at Texas
I don’t want to think about it…
COWBOY UP! 38-24

North Texas at Louisiana Lafayette
U La La is going to get an unhealthy dose of the….
MEAN GREEN 38-17

Boise State at Colorado State
The Bronco’s won’t get Rammed this week…
Not by a long shot
BRONCO’S 43-10

Carson Newman at North Greenville
Spark’s Boys are back on track after winning last week…
Let’s I hope it continues, I’m counting on it
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-31

Alabama at Ole Miss
Houston you have a problem….
The Big Red Elephants are coming to town…
CRIMSON TIDE 31-14

Virginia Tech at Wake Forest
The Demon Deacons upset the Mighty Seminoles last week….
No such luck this week
HOKEY POKEY 28-17

Georgia at Vanderbilt
Everybody counted the Mighty Bulldogs out except Yours Truly…
There are days my own genius even scares me…
SIC EM DAWGS 31-17

Northwestern at Iowa
It seems like every Tom, Dick and Harry is picking the Wildcats over the Hawkeyes…
Those aren’t my names so I’m under no obligation to follow the crowd on this one
HAWKEYES 28-21

Kansas State at Texas Tech
One question for the Red Raider faithful….
“Do you miss Coach Mike Leach yet?”
If not, you’re about to…
WILDCATS 28-21

Texas A&M Kingsville at Incarnate Word
Well Excuse Me! So you are the ONLY ones that have the Incarnate Word?
I just can’t pick a team that is predicated on such arrogance.
KING TOWN 28-10

Clemson at Maryland
The Mighty Tigers are going to scuff up the Linoleum tile Turtles
And not in a “nice” way….
DABO’S TIGERS 34-17

Florida at Auburn
I didn’t think I would say this two weeks ago….
But this game could go either way.
It’s True
GATOR CHOMP 28-24

East Carolina at Memphis
Say it with me…..
“Elvis has left the building….”
PIRATES 24-17

Occidental at Pomona Pitzer
Do you ever wonder what would happen if you..
“Occidentally took a Pomona Pitzer instead of a laxative?”
Never mind….
POMONA P 21-17

Stanford at Washington State
The Cougars might win this game…..
If the Cardinal plane gets diverted to Detroit
CARDINAL 43-17

UAB at Tulsa
Before any of my friends in Birmingham ask…
“No”, the Blazers will not win another game this year
Sorry….
O’ SO GOLDEN HURRICANES 34-17

Idaho at New Mexico State
The “Ida-Honkies” visits the Land of Lasso Larry and the Aggies…
Sounds like a Party to me…
LASSO LARRY 28-24

Oklahoma at Kansas
This game is going to get uglier than two for one Beer night at the Bowling Alley
BOOMER SOONERS 43-10

Utah State at Fresno State
There are a lot of people that think the Bulldogs have thrown in the towel this year…
I am one of them
AGGIES 31-28

Arizona State at Oregon
I had every intention of watching this marquee matchup in the PAC (Whatever)
But Richard Simmons has a “new” DVD that he is previewing on QVC, it’s called….
“Breaking a Hip to the Oldies”
QUACKERS 7-6

Iowa State at Missouri
This Big 12 (Light) Rivalry game is played for the coveted …
“Telephone Trophy”…..
The funny thing is….
Most of the players on the teams don’t even know what the hell an old “telephone” looks like

MO KNOWS AT&T 24-21

Brigham Young at Oregon State
I know the Cougars have been rolling lately…
But I still believe in the Power of the Almighty Beaver
MIGHTY BEAVERS 28-24

Enjoy your games…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s your ole boy Hootie Snitch!

The Number Damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!

Coming at you from the Heart of Volunteer country right here in Baneberry Tennessee!

Not only am I a bringing yawl the “Big Orange Report”…….
But I got me an “All Access” pass behind the scenes with Coach Derek Drooley!

Hell Yeah!

The BIG Orange Report

I was going to name this the “All Orange” report but then that Mister Wizard said I couldn’t do it cause it may confuse folks cause there is other “orange” teams. Then I was a wanting to argue that there is only One Orange and that’s the BIG Orange and then he give me this to watch…..
Cause he says Auburn is orange too…..

Click here to view the embedded video.

Now you know why I don’t tailgate with any of them auburn fans.
They ain’t sophisticated like us Tennessee Volunteers!
Mountain Dew and a damn lizard ain’t good tailgating food!
There wasn’t a beer to be seen in that whole damn thing!

Let’s get to the Big Orange Report before I throwed up from that video

The 2011 Volunteers is bigger, faster and smarter than they was last year.
And even though we got the toughest schedule in the whole nation with games against…

LSU (Now that we learned to count to “11” this year, yawl is going to lose)
Florida (Damn Gators)
Alabama (Damn them all)
Arkansas (I think them Hog hats look stupid)
Georgia (I hate everyone of yawl)
South Carolina (Colonel Sanders called he wants his mascot back)
Vanderbilt (Them smart kids are going to get a ass whopping)
Kentucky (I guarantee a win here)

Then our out of conference schedule get’s even worse with games against..

Middle Tennessee State (Which like a “rival” game)
Montana (They is called the Grizzlies for a reason, their cheerleaders look like bears)
The we got games against two NFL teams and I can’t for the life of me figure out why someone scheduled the Volunteers to play Cincinnati and Buffalo.
Don’t worry we ain’t scared.
We going to win them games too.
You can bet your Slim Jim on it!

Here is my prediction for the season.
Hold on to your seat, this one is going to be a shocker!

The Tennessee Volunteers are going to undefeated this year, win the SEC Championship and be in the BCS Championship game and make the NFL playoffs after they whoop Cincinnati and Buffalo.

It’s Football Time in Tennessee so get ready!

All Access with Tennessee Volunteer Coach Derek Drooley

As the Biggest Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet I was given a once in a lifetime opportunity to follow Tennessee Volunteer Coach Derek Drooley around practice for a day and set in the front row when Coach Drooley talked to the media folks (Like me)

He even let me take some pictures and I am fixing to show them to you.
It was an awesome day!

Let me tell you what I learned about Coach Drooley….
He is sharp as a damn tack…
During practice he keeps his eyes on everything and he don’t miss nothing!

He even spotted some dog do-do on the football field before somebody stepped in it

I bet Smokey slipped off down there and did his business on the practice field

He showed them Boys how to do a push-up too cause most of them don’t know nothing like that

After looking at this picture again….I might have these things out of order….
This might have been about the time Coach Drooley spotted the dog do-do.

Coach Drooley is a “coach” and teacher….
He takes time with them players like nothing I ever seen before!
Like during the media conference Coach Drooley was a telling them folks in the audience how he shows them boys “how to hold a hamburger”

And how to hold one of them cell phones when you is talking on it

And Coach has ALWAYS been a caring person like that with his players.
He showed me this picture in his office when he was coaching at Louisiana Tech about a kicker that he had that was cross-eyed as a Siamese cat and couldn’t hit the uprights to save his life.

Well before that ole boy would go out there to kick…..
Coach Drooley would start reminding him what the goal post looked like and where to kick the ball

And guess what?
After 116 tries that kicker done split the uprights and got him an extra point! I call that Coaching!

I got to run, the wife is a hollering about something…
I am a going to be back after the first game with some of my “insight” into the games and a surprise or two for yawl! So hang on and get ready for the Damn VOLS!

GO VOLS!
Hootie-Out!

I present your last and final installment of the College Football Preseason Extravaganza for your viewing pleasure.

It’s a shame our boys and girls overseas can’t read about college football on the CFB Wizard.

I guess that’s supposed to make us all safer, right?

Enjoy…

FAMOUS COACH’S QUOTE

“Listen; does your boy know how to work? Try to teach him to work, to sacrifice, to fight. He better learn now, because he’s going to have to do it someday. I mean, some morning when you’ve been out of school twenty years and you wake up and your house has burned down and your mother is in the hospital and the kids are all sick and you’ve overdrawn at the bank and your wife has run off with the drummer, what are you going to do? Throw in?”

Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant
The University Of Alabama

COLLEGE FOOTBALLTEAM NEWS

NORTH CAROLINA: New Tar Heel Coach “not important enough to remember your name” has stated recently that “the team is on the right track and everything is falling into place.”

EDITORS NOTE: As your college football interpreter this is what the above actually means…

“None of the players has gotten into trouble so far and I hope I can keep my job after the NCAA completes the ultimate destruction of the North Carolina football program”

NORTH DAKOTA: Stop me if you have heard this one before….
The Politically Correct Police at the NCAA are attempting to usurp the authority of the North Dakota State Government and impose their will upon the University of North Dakota “Fighting Sioux”.
Why you may ask?

Because the NCAA “has deemed the Fighting Sioux mascot hostile and abusive”

Meanwhile the North Dakota Legislature passed a bill requiring the University to keep their current name and Governor Jack Dalrymple signed House Bill 1263 into law this year.

The NCAA is standing firm on their diversity high ground and is telling the Governor and the Legislature of a sovereign state of this country that they must reverse this law or the University of North Dakota will face harsh penalties from the “volunteer organization” known as the NCAA. The Big Sky Conference which North Dakota is a part of is also being threatened by the NCAA thought police too, if they keep the “Fighting Sioux” in their conference.

EDITORS NOTE: My discussion of secession from the NCAA, doesn’t seem like such a bad idea now, does it? I know, I’m a pioneer

WEST VIRGINIA: One time coach in “waiting” that is no longer waiting Dana Holgorsen has taken over as the Mountaineer Head Football Coach since athletic director Oliver “Did you know my son plays at Stanford?” Luck forced loyal West Virginia native Coach Bill Stewart to resign a year ahead of schedule.

EDITORS NOTE: I guess Athletic Director Oliver Luck got his lessons in “Loyalty” and “Honesty” from former Mountaineer Coach Rich Rodriguez.

IOWA: The Hawkeyes and their fans are known for always playing hard and exhibiting good sportsmanship, as well as having an amazing memory for all things Hawkeye Football.

Let the animosity begin

OHIO STATE: As the Mighty Buckeye Nation awaits its fate at the hands of the NCAA executioner I want to remind them all; even if you’re not a Fickell’d Fan this year, get behind the new coach and support the team.

EDITORS NOTE: I’m serious…..
I can do these puns all day..

IDAHO: Anytime I hear anything about Idaho….
I am reminded of a girl named Ida I went to high school with….
She had a rather “questionable” reputation

TEXAS A&M: The Aggies were not invited to join the Southeastern Conference and are now looking at a rather ugly divorce from the Big 12 Conference. This is causing consternation throughout the Republic of Texas reaching all the way to the Texas Legislature and Governor Rick Perry. This story isn’t going away anytime soon….

EDITORS NOTE: Can’t we all just get along?

FLORIDA: Have you noticed that no one is talking about the Mighty Gators?
Don’t worry, they will be….

OREGON: I Know….
Coach Chip Kelly has “Ducked” a number of issues related to the NCAA investigation of the football program, but I have an unrelated question.

Now that the Oregon State Police have released the video related to Cliff Harris’s traffic stop.

You remember that, don’t you?
Cliff Harris was stopped for doing 118 miles an hour on June 12th in a rental car that was registered to an Oregon university employee.
What you may not know is on the police camera and subsequent audio…..
The Highway Patrol Officer asked Cliff “where is the marijuana” because the office smelled it coming from the car. Would you like to know what Cliff Harris’s response was to the officer?
“We smoked it all”

I guess the University of Oregon also failed to mention “star” Quarterback Darren Thomas was in the passenger seat. Oops….

When Coach Chip Kelly was asked about the latest turn of events with the release of the State Police video, Chip said “He wasn’t aware of that, but he would look into it.”

Funny….
Because I thought Coach Chip Kelly already said he was ‘Looking into all the facts before making a decision” the day AFTER this incident happened.

To say nothing of the University of (NIKE) Oregon’s inability to administer a urinalysis test for the student-athletes in this case.

And as you might imagine….
Both players are still on the Oregon Football team…..

Surprised?

EDITORS NOTE: Somewhere Phil Fulmer is saying…..
“Chip! That’s my Boy!”

MIAMI: If even half of the allegations I have heard concerning the Hurricane Football program are true then things are going to get really ugly in South Florida.

How ugly you might ask?

When the NCAA get’s finished with the Hurricanes….

It’s going to be uglier than Wynona Judd in a string bikini.

EDITORS NOTE: I threw-up a little bit when I typed that one…

MICHIGAN: With a new Coach and a “new” attitude in Ann Arbor this year, the Wolverines also have a “new” Battle Cry this year to carry them into the 2011 college football season.

Michigan Wolverines: “We are Fabulous”

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder if that was their first choice for a “Battle Cry”

LSU: The Mighty Bayou Bengal’s were put on probation this year by the NCAA and lost some scholarships in the process because they said some student-athletes had received “impermissible benefits”.

Wow that sounds serious!

I have a question for the NCAA…
When did the NCAA “get permission” to sell the student-athletes “likenesses” to EA Sports and Sony for MILLIONS of DOLLARS for their video football games?
So, that’s ok?

GEORGIA TECH: Let me be sure I understand this correctly….
The NCAA hammered the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets because the Athletic Director “told” his football coach (Who happens to be his employee) that the NCAA was investigating “suspected” improper benefits being received by a few of the student athletes on the football team.

That makes sense right?
To tell your “employee” to look into a potential or suspected problem before it becomes serious.

Well that’s NOT how the NCAA works boys and girls….

They hit the Rambling Wreck with even more sanctions because….
“The athletic director disobeyed the NCAA Investigators”

EDITORS NOTE: If the NCAA is going to treat Athletic Directors like they are six years old why don’t they punish them for not getting to bed on time too?

My Friends it’s time to secede from the NCAA…..

NCAA: I have just one more question for the folks in Indianapolis ….
When you become an employee of the NCAA Enforcement Committee, do they supply you with the Nazi uniform or do you have to buy it yourself?
I’m just asking…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Speaking of NCAA Enforcement….
Why aren’t they on the Southern California Trojan Campus talking to Lane Kiffin?
It was just a few months ago that drunken “star” running back Marc Tyler told TMZ that
“Southern California Trojans pays its players”

Click here to view the embedded video.

Lane Kiffin said it was “all a big joke”

Maybe I have that quote wrong….

I think Lane was referring to himself as being a Head Football Coach…

Sorry for the confusion

CLEMSON: The below is an actual article, because you can’t make this stuff up…..

SPARTANBURG, S.C. (AP) — Clemson’s athletic department reported 12 NCAA secondary violations, including two athletes repaying their portion of a hotel room paid for by a former teammate’s agent.

In addition, an internal audit found that athletes living off campus received about $1 more than they should have in their housing allowance.

The violations were reported Friday, and occurred between February and July 15. Clemson’s athletic department releases NCAA violations twice a year through open records requests from The Associated Press and other media outlets.

The reports did not include the names of the athletes or the sports involved. The infractions are all considered secondary, the least serious NCAA classification.

Among the violations was one that occurred in March when a Clemson coach overheard players discussing their spring break trip to Miami and visiting former teammates training there. The athletic department’s compliance department later found out that two athletes stayed in a hotel room paid for by the former teammate’s agent at a cost of $379 plus tax per night.

The two were made to pay back their share of the bill, donating $76 each to charity.

The audit found out that Clemson athletes living away from campus received $1 to $2 more than they should have. All were declared ineligible but will have their status restored when they pay back the nominal fee.

Other infractions included a coach allowing a prospective student athlete to shadow him for a day in February. The violation was discovered when the coach took the young person to show him the compliance office. The coach was given a refresher on NCAA rules.

The NCAA found a Clemson prospect participated in organized competition past the one-year grace period given after high school graduation. The athlete was declared ineligible and was reinstated by the NCAA.

Also, the NCAA discovered a Clemson prospect was paid for playing in organized competition. He had his eligibility reinstated on the conditions that he would be charged a season of competition and repay the cost of the impermissible benefit, $333, to a local charity.

Another prospect recruited by Clemson was found by the NCAA to have played five games as a professional. The prospect’s eligibility will be restored if the recruit sits out next season.

In another instance, a prospect heading for an official visit to Clemson had their car break down and called a coach for help because there was a toddler in the vehicle. Clemson’s compliance office called the Atlantic Coast Conference office and, after consulting with the NCAA enforcement staff, was allowed to let a non-coaching staff employee pick the family about 5 miles away in Pendleton. The prospect was asked to pay back $2.66 in mileage costs.

EDITORS NOTE: Let me be sure I have this right…..
Some Clemson athletes received between $1.00 and $2.00 dollars more than they should have while living away from Campus? And if they don’t pay the money back they will be ruled ineligible by the NCAA?

Wow…..
If the NCAA is that serious over one or two dollars, then the folks in Auburn must be getting really nervous, can I get an “In Cam we Trust”?

OKLAHOMA: Sooner fans are known to be passionate…..

If given the opportunity they will hate you 365 days of the year, including Christmas.

UTAH: In case you were wondering…

These two Utes are doing it wrong….

SOUTH CAROLINA: Coach Steve recently said he thinks the University of Alabama gets preferential treatment from ESPN in its coverage of the Crimson Tide.
I know it must be tough on you coach Steve….
There was a time that you were the best coach in the Southeastern Conference….
Now you aren’t even the best football coach in the SEC Eastern Division….
That must really hurt your pride

So I have an idea…..
Why don’t you just coach the University of South Carolina and worry about that?

EMAIL OF THE WEEK

Sir,
I am General Beauregard T. Thistleballs, Commanding Officer of the 69th Regimental Electronics Enterprise (REE), of the 13th Tactical Aerial Reconnaissance Division (TARD). I am highly outraged, offended, and bitter at the latest diatribe and tasteless drivel that you have spewed on your website. This simply further reinforces our decision to block your heinous website from the young, impressionable, innocent troops here in theatre.

For your information, the following is the reasoning for the blockage. On numerous occasions you have espoused disorder, chaos, and insurrection on your website. Case in point: You called for the secession of the SEC from the NCAA. We cannot have those types of thoughts floating around in the heads of these young people. We need to coddle and teach these youngsters to be nice and inclusive to everyone. But the worst consequences of your uncompassionate rants and baseless attacks are that YOU sir, have hurt the feelings of countless soldiers. I don’t know if you realize it, but, the US Army is a bastion young people from all over the country. Most prevalent are those with University of Southern California, University of Tennessee, Ohio State University, and Auburn University ties. I can’t count the number of times that I have walked into a shower stall only two discover two soldiers holding, caressing, and consoling each other after they finished reading one of your brazen articles. I don’t know how many times my Sergeant Major has come to me and told me that the soldiers just don’t want to go outside the wire and do their jobs because they read an article taunting their Spartan, Tiger, or Volunteer backgrounds.

Sir, I want you to know that here at the 13th Fighting TARDS, we VALUE diversity!!! Something you wouldn’t understand given your callous and homophobic remarks week after week. We welcomed and urged young men and women to “come out of the closet”, so to speak. We begged them to step up and smell the beautiful flower of openness. But that is not what you’re agenda is about. You wouldn’t know political correctness if it slapped you on your ruddy, cherubic cheeks. If I could, I’d turn you over my knee and spank your supple, round, firm buttocks until they were of a splendidly pink aura. And then….

Well, you get the picture. Your website will never be allowed in theatre again. I have put my foot down (and broke a heel doing it!!!). We DO take care of our troops, contrary to what you think. As long as it is in my power to create and shape these young minds, then shows like Barney, Les Miserables, and many others will be available for them to watch. But, don’t be alarmed Mr “Wizard”. You’re not the only one who has faced my wrath. On the local Armed Forces Radio Network we have replaced prime time programming with the Elton John Tribute hour and the Rod Stewart greatest hits ensemble, and the “Best of” Liberace show. We are currently working on a show and format for Madonna.

As you can see, this well thought out, politically correct and well meaning decision is best for all.

Militarily,
Beauregard T. Thistleballs,
General
United States Army
REE/TARDS
USC ‘69

THE BEST and WORST of COLLEGE FOOTBALL

Worst Celebration Ritual: University of Pittsburgh
Former Pittsburgh Panther Head Football Coach Mike Haywood “celebrating” his promotion as the head football coach of the University of Pittsburgh by getting liquored up and whipping his wife’s ass. Classy…………..

Worst College Football Pregame Program:
(Tie) CBS College Sports and ABC
The CBS College Football Game Day studio has the most diverse group of talking heads on television.
It’s like Sesame Street without the cute furry characters.

This is what you will see on any given Saturday in the CBS College Football Pre-game Studio….
“Former” coach and current college football “analyst” Phil Fulmer setting in a corner with the remnants of a jelly donut on his face looking like he just got fired (again)….

While Archie Manning is rifling through pictures in his wallet and asking if anyone wants to see pictures of Peyton and Eli naked in a bathtub together.
Unfortunately both “boys” were in their twenties when the photos were taken.

Then there is Spencer Tillman who looks like a Little Richard Impersonator….
I half expect him to break into “Good Golly Miss Molly” before every telecast…

What can you say about ABC College Football with John Saunders…..
He puts the “dumb” in “ass”….

Best College Football Pregame Program: ESPN College Game Day

“We are coming to your city…”

The ESPN College Game Day Opens with a bang courtesy of Big and Rich and Cowboy Troy and it only gets better from there…..

Chris, Desmond, Kirk and the Great Coach Lee Corso round out the ESPN Game Day program located on the campus of the ESPN /ABC College Football Game of the Week.

There is no better way to start a College Football Game Day – Period.

During the one hour program you get the college football picks of the day from the group and an occasional “Not So Fast!” from Coach Lee Corso as the “Coach” disagrees over a particular selection.

There is insight into many of the games….
Interviews…
And at the end of the program….

Coach Lee Corso will make his pick on the game of the day by selecting a team’s mascots head gear to wear, often times followed by the singing of the teams fight song or familiar chant.

If you have never seen it, then you don’t know what you are missing.

EDITORS NOTE: And as a side note….
I will have something special for Coach Lee Corso before the start of this season.
So stay tuned….

Best Gatorade Commercial you will never see on Television

Come to think of it…
There may be a very good reason this isn’t on television.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Worst Fan Display of Team Pride: Ohio State Buckeyes

There is a proper time and place to show pride in your respective College or University
The below picture is neither the time nor the place ……

Best Walk-On Story of the Season: Minnesota Golden Gophers

The Golden Gophers have a walk-on to their football program this year.
That in itself isn’t any news….
But this one is different…

He is a Marine….
His name is Curran Delany
If the Coach doesn’t give him a chance to play I am going to be on him like Golden on a Gopher

Creepiest Mascot in Major College Football: Brigham Young Cougars

I think this simple picture says it all….

Dumbest Question from a Division I Coach: Auburn University

At the recent Southeastern Conference Media Days Auburn coach Gene Chizik asked NCAA Enforcement Director Julie Roe Lach in a room full of coaches and media “if the NCAA was finished with the Investigation of Auburn University and Cam Newton”

Ms Julie Roe Lach replied….

“You will know when we are done”

EDITORS NOTE: I think the only thing missing at the end of that statement was…
“Dumbass”

CONTENDERS and PRETENDERS

This time of the year……
College Football teams and their respective fans and alumni are filled with dreams of grandeur
and visions of Championships and Victories won are all the talk of “what could be the year”

But we all know differently, don’t we?

Some have it, and some don’t.

Then there is “fate”
A penalty at the wrong time and place….
A key injury….
And your dreams of an undefeated season and the shot at the Championship….
Are Gone

But we won’t factor fate into this equation, not yet anyway.

Some College Football Teams have a legitimate chance and others don’t.
That’s why you are here, enjoy.

CONTENDERS

OKLAHOMA: The Best Sooners Team in the Coach Bob Stoops era….
They are scary good……

TEXAS CHRISTIAN:The Horned Frogs “should have” played for the National Championship last year and they have a chip on their shoulder this year with something to prove.

WISCONSIN: The Badgers are big and fast and they are from the Land of Cheese Whiz
Enough said…

CLEMSON: All the elements are in place at the Home of Howard’s Rock to make a legitimate run at the ACC Title and with a little luck, the possibilities are endless.

OKLAHOMA STATE: Despite having the most de-motivating entrance in all of college football
“Where has the Prairie Wind Touched You”
The Cowboys have the most all round potent offense in college football.
If they can spell “defense” this year, they have a chance to win it all and ruin the Sooners season.

LSU: The Mighty Bayou Bengals of LSU are stronger and faster than ever and they have the depth to make a serious run at the National Championship if Les Miles can keep his eye on the game clock.

FLORIDA STATE: Coach Fisher has the Seminoles poised to win the ACC Championship..
Their shot at the National Championship will be decided on September 17th when they square off against the Mighty Oklahoma Sooners in Tallahassee.

TEXAS: Don’t count out the Mighty Longhorns just yet…
I have a feeling……….
(That I am pretty sure is not caused from dollar Margarita night and ill prepared Mexican food.)
That the Longhorns will be in the Championship mix before the season is over….

BOISE STATE: The Blue Bronco’s of Boise will have a chance to prove if they are for real when they face the Georgia Bulldogs “between the hedges” on September 3rd.

STANFORD: Despite the fact they don’t play anybody of note and their out of conference schedule is laughable, they are in fact a good football team.

NEBRASKA: The Black Shirts are Back, But in a different Conference…
They will play for the Big Ten (Actually twelve) Conference Championship this year
Believe it

ARKANSAS: The Best Team in the Country that nobody is talking about….

ALABAMA: Because I said so…

PRETENDERS

The Ivy League: Seriously? They still play football there?
I thought they were more into “social change” and “diversity” than athletics.

And as a side note: Their marching bands suck too.

Utah State: I have seen better athletes at a Midget Mud Wrestling event than the Aggies have on their entire football team. And before you ask…
On the advice of my attorney I will not discuss the events of that particular evening in this forum

Rutgers: There is some good news and some bad news here….
The Good news is the Scarlett Knights are the best College Football team in New Jersey…
The Bad news is they are the only college football team in New Jersey

Tulane: Other than having a lousy football team…..
I can’t imagine why the Green Wave made the list.

Duke: Most students at Duke are blissfully unaware that the Blue Devils even have a football program, enough said.

Southern California: If you wonder why the “mighty” Trojans are on this list, then I have two words for you…. “Lane Kiffin”

Notre Dame: There is some good news and some “not” so good news
You are not going to suck as bad as you did last year….
But you will still disappoint a delusional fan base that is under the misguided impression that just because of who you are that you are entitled to be in the Top Ten and play in a top tier Bowl game every single year for eternity.

Michigan: (Wolverines please see “Notre Dame” above)

Oregon: The Quacks are on this list because…
Coach Kelly “pretends” he doesn’t have a disciple problem on the football team.

Miami: With all the rumor and innuendo surrounding the Hurricane Football Program..
And considering all the possibilities and ramifications of the NCAA Investigation….
There is but one thing that comes to mind….
I would like to quote the greatest of all urban philosophers M.C. Hammer…
When he said….
“It’s Hammer Time”

North Carolina: Let’s face it….You’re Screwed

NCAA: The jackbooted Nazi’s of the NCAA made this list because they “pretend” to be a “volunteer organization” that is a 501 C3 that is a “non profit” and “tax exempt” organization.

EDITORS NOTE: How can you make so much damn money (In the Billions and Billions) you can declare yourself a “non profit”? And why don’t they have to pay taxes?

Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS

Atlantic Coast Conference (ACC)
Virginia Tech and Georgia Tech will be in the mix and Clemson has a legitimate shot at the conference crown, but the Seminoles of Florida State will win the ACC Title this year.

Big Ten (actually Twelve)
Nebraska and Wisconsin will meet for the second time at the end of the season to decide the championship of the conference. But I wouldn’t rule out a late run by the Ohio State Buckeyes or Joe Pa’s Nittany Lions.
My guess is the boys from Madison Wisconsin will win it all in the conference this year.

Big 12 (actually Ten)
The Mighty Oklahoma Sooners are looking like a championship team, but Oklahoma State, Texas and the disgruntled Aggies of Texas A&M are closer in the rearview mirror than they may appear.

Big East:
Since The Horned Frogs of Texas Christian won’t “officially” be in the Big East until next season I won’t pick them to win the conference title this year (But they would)
With that being said I am going for a pick that will surprise you.
No, not the Cincinnati Bearkats…
The Louisville Cardinals……
Believe it

MAC
Mac Whack Paddy Whack give a Dog a Bone Conference….
I am going with the University that is known as the “cradle of coaches”
The Miami of Ohio

Conference USA
I wish I could pick my SMU Mustangs to win the conference this year….
But it’s not going to happen
I am going with the Cougars from Houston to take the Crown in Conference USA

PAC 10 (actually Twelve)
Utah and their two Utes “may” be the surprise team in the conference this year with Arizona State, Oregon State and Washington potentially in the mix for the conference title as well.
My Pick: The Stanford Cardinal will win the “whatever the hell they named it” conference championship this year.

Sun Belt Conference
One question for the Sun Belt Conference….
Is the “Sun Belt” like a Bible belt with a flashlight attached to it?
I’m just asking…

The North Texas Mean Green from Denton Texas will win the Bible belt with optional Flashlight Attachment Conference Title this year.

Mountain West
There are two fine teams in this conference, soon to be limited to “one” fine team next year.
I will pick the Mighty Horned Frogs of TCU over the Boise State Broncos to win the Crown.

Western Athletic Conference
The Western Athletic Conference, also known as “the WAC” wait let me stop for a moment.
Whitney Houston said “Crack is WAC”
Does that mean illegal drugs are tolerated in this conference?
I am appalled…
For that reason alone…..
I am picking the Nevada Wolfpack to win the drug induced den of sin Conference title

Independent
Brigham Young will make a bid for the “Independent Title”, but frankly I am still not over how creepy their mascot looked holding that small child. So I will go with…

Anchors Away………..

The Midshipmen of the United States Naval Academy

Southeastern Conference (SEC)
I think the South Carolina Gamecocks will win the SEC Eastern Title (but not by much) and they will have to fight the Tennessee Volunteers, Georgia Bulldogs and the Florida Gators for it.
But remember this…….
“IF” the Gamecocks do win the East they will limp into the Title game in Atlanta with at least three losses, believe it.

The SEC West is going to be a fight….
Mississippi State, Arkansas and Auburn all feel like they have something to prove….
Then there are the LSU Tigers and the Alabama Crimson Tide

My guess is the Alabama Crimson Tide will roll into Atlanta as the winners of the West.

Who will win the SEC Championship?

The Alabama Crimson Tide

Because I said so, that’s why

There is a lot more to come before opening Kickoff…
So stay tuned…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

From the number of illiterate and barely readable emails I received last week, it is apparent that I struck a nerve with some Tennessee Volunteer Fans with my commentary on Fat Phil Fulmer as a potential candidate for Athletic Director at the University of Tennessee.

Some of you voiced your disproval at me calling him “Fat”…..

EDITORS NOTE: Well folks, Phil Fulmer didn’t have his belly button pierced because he thought it was “cute”, he had it done so a tractor trailer can tow him by the belly ring to whatever Krispy Kreme appearances he is scheduled to appear. Provided of course they have him on roller skates.

Many of you have called Phil Fulmer a “Great” Football Coach……

EDITORS NOTE: Did it ever occur to any of you that Phil hasn’t been offered ANY coaching jobs since he was given the proverbial golden handshake at the University of Tennessee?
Not any college coaching jobs, not the NFL, Canadian, Iceland, Pee Wee League, nothing…

A few of you said I had “my facts wrong about Phil Fulmer” when it came to “problem” players on the team and that Phil Fulmer was a “Disciplinarian”.

EDITORS NOTE: Please refresh my memory….
The term “UThug”, how did the Tennessee Football team “earn” that nickname?

I can’t remember if they got that nickname because of the attempted murders, the actual murders, the armed robberies, the doctored urinalysis tests or the rapes.

One email even said…..
“Them Players at Tennessee is all smart and graduate more than anywheres else”

EDITORS NOTE: Might I assume…..
This was written by an English Major at the University of Tennessee?

Now I know many of you dearly Love Fat Phil Fulmer…..
As is evidence in the below photograph

But I never realized….
How many delusional fans the Tennessee Volunteers have until I saw this short video clip.

EDITORS NOTE: And some of you will still wonder after viewing this….…
Why the late great Lewis Grizzard called it OBKnoxville?

Click here to view the embedded video.

EDITORS NOTE: Before you ask…..
“Yes” that was the gayest thing I have ever seen from any college football fans…

And as a side note how bad does your behavior have to be…
To be told to “tone it down” by the University of Tennessee Athletic Department?

Enough Said…..

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

As I predicted some weeks ago…..
Despite the fact we are several months away from Halloween…..

The Great Pumpkin is beginning to rise from the Pumpkin Patch!

That monolithic creature in Orange known as Fat Phil Fulmer has support from the University of Tennessee Board of Trustees to become the next Athletic Director at the University of Tennessee.

Yes it’s true.

Despite not having any experience in running any athletic department, managing a budget or even managing his own football team Fat Phil actually has support within the board of trustees and within some elements of the volunteer fan base to become athletic director.

And some of you actually wonder why I pick on the Volunteers?

I think this is an excellent time to remember just a few details during the “coach” Fulmer rein at the University of Tennessee.

EDITORS NOTE: Please feel free to play…..
“The Way We Were” in the background as you continue reading.

Then Assistant coach Phil Fulmer and athletic director Doug Dickey concocted a scheme to dispose and subsequently fire Volunteer legend and then head football coach Johnny Majors while coach Majors was in the hospital for a potential life threatening heart ailment.

Yes friends, that’s how Coach Phil “took over”; by screwing his “mentor”.

Should I mention that there are five NFL players who have been found guilty of committing murder the past few years and four of them played at the University of Tennessee under Coach Fulmer?

To say nothing of Coach Fulmer’s tolerance of rape armed robbery arson resisting arrest threatening law enforcement officers and any other number of crimes and misdemeanors while he was Head Football Coach at the University of Tennessee.

And wasn’t it amazing how Phil’s own “personal” attorney Jeff Haygood always seem to be present to “represent” the football players through their legal woes?

Say, isn’t that an NCAA violation?

Maybe I am being too harsh here.
After all I am sure top of the line legal counsel is hard to come by when you are a student athlete with little or no income and you are facing charges of rape of an underage mentally challenged girl in the athletic dormitory.

Don’t worry folks….
Coach Fulmer said he would “review the incident and take care of it internally”

He made that statement “after” he and his attorney met with the witnesses to the crime before they had a chance to meet with the police investigators.

That kind of sounds like he was interfering with a felony investigation, doesn’t it?
The Knoxville Police Department sure thought so.

But yet nothing happened to the rapist or coach Fulmer……
I guess the rape of an underage mentally challenged girl by one of his players isn’t that important to Phil because he took care of it “Internally”

Like so many other things during Coach Phil’s rein, it was all taken care of “Internally”

The scandal that involved changing grades for football players so they would be eligible to play was taken care of “internally” and within the “Tennessee Family”.

And who can forget the “walking classes” for football players and the embarrassment it caused the University of Tennessee, particularly when some of the players got a “D” in walking.

It was all handled “Internally”

EDITORS NOTE: I still can’t believe it was a three credit hour course

Do any of you remember the academic scandal Coach Phil started that involved classifying potential student-athletes as “mentally challenged” so they wouldn’t be held to the same standard of NCAA college eligibility?

When the news of that leaked out, you guessed it….
It was all handled “Internally” and within the “Tennessee Family”

EDITORS NOTE: Nothing says confidence in your student athlete’s mental acuity quite like classifying them as “Retarded”.

Does anyone want to discuss Coach Phil’s 6% graduation rate on the football team?

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering….
The average graduation rate for football players across the Southeastern Conference is 53%

This to say nothing of Phil’s knowledge of the NCAA violations of then Tennessee Quarterback Tee Martin and his “allowance” he received from a University of Tennessee Booster in Mobile, Alabama.

And just for the record: when Doug Dickey and Phil Fulmer didn’t report it, that my friends is an NCAA Violation of Biblical Proportions.

But that was o.k. because……
It was all handled “Internally” and within the “Tennessee Family”

EDITIORS NOTES: I am guessing my Ohio State Buckeye Fans are saying…
“What the Hell?”

Should I mention Coach Phil’s personal “investigation” into the University of Alabama and his string of “Secret Witnesses” that he interviewed personally at the home of Tennessee Board of Trustee and University Booster “Thunder” Thornton?

Yeah, that was all legal and above board, wasn’t it?

A hillbilly Inspector Clouseau, is this who you want running the athletic department?

The University of Tennessee has the opportunity to show some character and class with its selection of a new Athletic Director for men’s athletics and Phil Fulmer possesses neither of those qualities.

And let me take this a step further….

If “winning” is more important to you than the prosecution of someone that raped an underage mentally challenged girl, then you should fear for your soul.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

We are going to take quick break from the Soap Opera that has become College Football:
To provide a Summer Safety Tip for all my loyal readers….

We will return later with tales from the Plains of Auburn….
The potential reemergence of Fat Phil Fulmer as the University of Tennessee Athletic Director
And attempt to solve the mystery of whatever happened to the Reggie Bush’s Heisman Trophy and discuss the 2004 (vacated) National Championship.

And yes, we will have more on the ongoing saga in Buckeye Land….

Enjoy…

As I have chronicled in other articles, there are a lot of things in this life I simply don’t understand.

And one of those things is the commercials they show on television.

I know many of you find some of them amusing and I do too, but I am not talking about the Budweiser Clydesdales here. I am talking about those commercials that knowingly deceive you with their smooth delivery and false promises.

More specifically I am talking about the laxative commercials.

At the end of each commercial regardless of the product the announcer always says….
“For gentle natural relief” of constipation……

I don’t know about you but I haven’t experienced anything “gentle” or “natural” from those products.

And the makers of the products always give them a name that will give you the impression that the product are indeed “gentle and natural” and they cover the label with butterflies and lilies to further the ruse.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think in the name of fairness and accuracy you should rename your product “Butt Splatter” (although I think it would be more appropriate in most cases)

All I am saying here is be honest about your product.

And anyone out there who has ever taken or been forced to take castor oil knows exactly what I mean.

Forty five minutes after a tablespoon of that vile substance which tastes like a mercury flavored city bus tailpipe, you need to be where you need to be and God forbid if you stub your toe, or drop your keys.

Because any sudden movement or jarring can cause….

How can I put this gently?

It will cause a sudden drop in the atmospheric condition as they say on the weather channel.
And not in a “good way”

Does that sound “gentle and natural” to you?

I think this is what Bob Seger was warning us about in his song “Fire down below”

Castor oil is nature’s liquid plumber and it will unclog your drain pipes faster than you can yell…
“Are we out of damn toilet paper?”

And to make matters worse, the warning label on castor oil isn’t accurate or helpful either.

It has one warning: “Don’t take more than eight tablespoons of castor oil in a twenty four hour period. “

Good Lord you call that a warning!

That’s the equivalent of saying “Don’t play touch football while blindfolded on the interstate”

How about something helpful, like….
“Don’t take castor oil with ill prepared Mexican food or you may experience immediate results”

“Do not take castor oil before bedtime along with a sleeping aid or you may experience dreams of playing in a natural mud bath, which unfortunately will be an ugly reality upon awakening.”

Those kind of warnings are helpful.

I would write more, but I think I need to set down…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It would appear that I have struck a nerve or two with last week’s commentaries.

I hope you enjoy the letters of the week…..

Today is the 67th Anniversary of D-Day

June 6 1944……

May we always remember and honor the courage of those brave men…

Enjoy….

EMAIL LETTERS OF THE WEEK

Sir –

I don’t know how I did it, but I have stumbled across something you may be interested in.
I was calling my Aunt Lucille up in Indiana the other day and I got a wrong number.
Boy, you don’t know how wrong it was.
You can’t say nothing and tell anybody who told you this, but I got the NCAA Violations Department Self Reporting Hotline!!!
Yep! And boy you wouldn’t believe what all they ask you. Here’s how it went:

Ring…Ring…Ring
“Welcome to the National Collegiate Athletics Associations Self Reporting Hotline”

To report a minor violation, press 1

To report a major violation, press 2

To report a lack of institutional control, press 3

If your name is Bobby Bowden, press 4

If you are an obviously guilty SEC school, press 5 to be transferred directly to the penalty committee.

If you are a PAC 10 or Big 10 Institution of Higher Learning who always follows the rules, press 6 to receive a sound scolding.

Well, I was scared as heck when I heard all this that I just hung up and didn’t go no further.
I thought I better send this stuff to somebody smart like you.
So, I think you need to check into this so you can let everybody know just what those crooks at the NCAA are doing. Hurry and call those folks and let us know what’s going on!!!

Go Dawgs!!!

Lemuel in Ludowici.

EDITORS NOTE: Somehow this doesn’t surprise me…..

Dear Mister Wizard Man

Since you helped that other feller out with his wife’s female doctor appointment, I got me a question for you. My wife and I live in Stockton Alabama in a previously owned double wide trailer with an above ground swimming pool in the back yard. Yes sir, life is good.

Auburn is the By God National Champions…..

My brother in law just graduated from taxidermy school…

My sister is a licensed beautician in the State of Alabama…

Now you might think with all that I have going for me that I ain’t got no problems, right?

Wrong!

I don’t know how to say it, so I will just spit it out…..
My Mother in Law has got the ugliest feet on planet earth.

The older she has gotten the more gnarled her toes look.
They all kind of cross over one another and I tell you, them toes of hers look like a cross between a gorillas foot and a pterodactyl‘s claw.

So we all get together around my above ground swimming pool on the weekends and just seeing them gnarled up toes of hers in sandals makes me want to throw up.

But I don’t know what to say without causing a family fuss, you know what I mean?
What do think I should do Wizard Man?
Sincerely
Leonard – Stockton, Alabama

EDITORS NOTE: I am referring this letter of inquiry to Hootie Snitch…
For deliberation and commentary….
He has far more experience in such matters, plus I don’t want to see any pictures.

Dear CFB Wizard –

It is with great despair that I come to you with the news of Jim Tressel’s resignation.
I know that you may have heard this already, but I don’t know how the earth will continue to turn without this iconic figure roaming the sidelines of the Ohio State football fields.

I wince when I think of the void to be left by his departure.

In fact I was involved in an interview, speaking of Jimmy, and shed tears over this course of events. I am also simply outraged that there are people that can’t see that if THE Ohio State University is involved in the undercurrents of chicanery involving student athletes then the world must have almost spun off its axis.

I know that Lou Holz shed a tear and spewed a sputum filled expectorate of anguish himself.
We will attempt to continue to give our most objective analysis of college football events as ever, but, rest assured. Our love for the “Coach” is undying.

Mark May
ESPN / ABC Sports

EDITORS NOTE: Sounds like somebody needs a hug…..

Dear Sir-
I would like to use your website as a forum to get my story out.
Contrary to what has been reported by the Columbus Dispatch, I DID NOT RESIGN, GET FIRED, OR QUIT!!!!
I am an omnipotent being.

After months of trials and tribulations I thought it in the best interest of THE Ohio State University to make a change at the top.
With that in mind, I thought it would be in the best interest of the University to claim my place as the NEW President, Athletic Director, Football coach, and Supreme Overlord of THE Ohio State University.
I typed up and submitted for release, the following statement:
“After meeting with university officials, we agreed that it is in the best interest of Ohio State that I retain my position as head football coach and furthermore take over by bloodless coup the positions of President and Athletic Director. The recent situation has been a distraction for our great university and I make this decision for the greater good of our school.”

Little did anyone know that during that fateful news conference months ago, that the little minion, Gordon Gee, spoke the truth when he stated that he hoped that I didn’t fire him. After reviewing the entire situation carefully, I found that only one person could navigate this prestigious, pious, and upstanding institution through the rocky times that are to come.

If you noticed past news reports, the clause in my contract that called for my dismissal if there was evidence of wrong-doing or impropriety. Was I dismissed? No.

There was a compliance letter that I signed last year that stated that I knew of no indiscretions by my saintly players. Those two pieces of valuable evidence, therefore, prove that I am without sin. Should you need absolution for any indiscretions yourself, please feel free to come to my office for forgiveness and sanctity.

Sincerely,
Jim Tressel
President, Athletic Director, AND Head Football Coach
THE Ohio State University.

EDITORS NOTE: I am surprised he didn’t use the word “King” anywhere in the letter.

Dear Sir –
As Athletic Director of THE Ohio State University I am deeply alarmed by the unfolding events within our beloved football program. As you already know, we here at THE Ohio State University have always run a pristine, squeaky clean program with one of the largest compliance departments that is second to none.

This has enabled us to not only provide a quality education to our student athletes but to also have the privilege of being able to point accusatory fingers at other, less prominent, and less upstanding programs mostly from a conference that I won’t mention by name.
I will give you a hint. It rhymes with “mouth beastern”.
And here’s one more. It’s a direction that is opposite of Northwestern, but, not like the school.
So, as I was saying, it is obvious that there is a huge problem.

This problem is obviously not THE Ohio State University, so it must be the system from which we operate.
It is with this in mind that I think we should go ahead and IMMEDIATELY give stipends to student athletes so that we will be able to come “out of the closet”, so to speak, and then we won’t have to suspend our coach or players next year.

Of course, Mr Tressell and the others would be granted waivers due to the fact that we are such a prestigious institution, unlike players and coaches from other Universities, who I won’t mention. But they rhyme with porgia and Lawburn and Sama and Rennerree. Oh, and Snorida Snate.

I am seeking your wise counsel and your site as a forum for somewhat of a “sounding board” to gauge the interest of the general populace and peasantry.

Sincerely
THE Gene Smith
THE Athletic Director
THE Ohio State University

EDITORS NOTE: This letter almost made me pee on myself….

You Putrid Miscreant,

In case you don’t know me, let me introduce myself. I am the grand, and esteemed Robert Lowder. I am the most powerful man in Alabama, some would say. Nay says I.
I am the most powerful man in the world. I am a God!!!!

Underlings kneel beneath my feet and kiss the ground I walk on.

The reason I am writing is to clear up the many misconceptions surrounding my recent departure from the Auburn University Board of Trustees. It has been reported in some publications that I was “ousted” by that no good, Anniston scalawag, Bob Marsh.
He calls himself an Auburn man, but in reality he is a conniving, deceitful, Judas.

No, I saw that due to the ungratefulness of some in my beloved Auburn “Family” that it was time for me to step down. Although I was the CEO of a large, profitable, failing, financial institution I felt it in the best interest of all to leave the post I have served so diligently for so many years.

I can’t believe it myself. I personally bought a National Championship trophy for us last year.
I have paid for countless players over the years with my benevolence.
Yet, time after time the misinformed have attacked me.
I am ashamed.
Ashamed that those who know not the power of Robert Lowder; “The King Maker”.

So, I will go back to my humble roots, attempt to buy a few jurors, and bide my time until those that have mocked me see the error of their ways.

Bobby Lowder, Esquire
Lord of the Universe
Auburn, ALA-DAMN-BAMA!!!

EDITORS NOTE: Emperor or not, I am coming for you Bobby….

Dear Sir –
First, I would like for you to know that I and my colleagues will no longer tolerate your senseless attacks based on half truths and innuendos.

As a falsely accused victim of your vicious attacks, I have formed an organization to combat your vile, vitriolic, rumor induced insanity.

Among the charter members of my organization are, Mr Terrell Pryor, Mr Cam “Cammie Cam” Newton, Mr Reggie Bush, and the ever popular Phil Fulmer.

We call ourselves CRYBABY – Citizens Retaliating against Your Baseless And Banal Yacking. Guys United In Lambasting and Tolerating You (GUILTY) is another organization similar to ours and based on the West Coast. Among its noted members are Lane Kiffin, Pete Carroll, and Reggie Bush.
Reggie was so angry that he joined both organizations.

We have pooled our resources and aim to protest your home offices, if we can ever find them, and attack and deface your website with some of the best computer hacker’s money can buy.
We will not tolerate you lies any longer. You started the war, but, we will finish it.

Sincerely,
Jim Tressell
STILL the Head Coach of Ohio State University.

EDITORS NOTE: Frankly….
I am little surprised Bobby Lowder isn’t President of your little Club?

Dear CFB Wizard –

For your information Phil Knight and Nike have done nothing wrong in leasing university of Oregon property to build whatever he wants.

IF he had done anything wrong I can assure you that lawyers from all over the planet would have descended on Eugene Oregon to put a stop to such foolishness.

And anyway, who cares how many millions he spends at Oregon?

Your assumption that anything is less that above board at the University of Oregon and with Nike is misplaced and irresponsible.

Sincerely –
Rupert Stiltskin, Eugene Oregon

EDITORS NOTE: Somewhere in Vietnam…..
A kid is reading this article that is sewing shoes for a dollar a day for Nike and saying..
“What the Hell?”

Stay Tuned there is more to come….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s time to catch up on the latest news from around the College Football World.
I have added a few extra segments for your viewing pleasure as well.

Why? Because I care

Enjoy…

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS

BOISE STATE: The latest news from Boise Idaho “Home of Famous Potatoes” is that the Broncos and their hideous Blue football field are on probation by the NCAA for the following:
“secondary violations, which were initially found by BSU’s compliance staff and self-reported to the NCAA, and stems from 63 incoming players receiving impermissible benefits that totaled just over $4,900. The benefits involved, the school stated in its official response to the NCAA inquiry, “impermissible housing, transportation or meals, where an incoming student-athlete was provided a place to sleep (often on a couch or floor), a car ride or was provided free food by an existing student-athlete.”
The “services” rendered ranged from $2.34 to $417.55.
All $4,934 has been reimbursed by the five dozen or so players involved.

EDITORS NOTES: O’ MY GOD! Almost $4,934 between 63 athletes!
That comes to OVER $78.00 PER athlete!
I recommend they all be taken out and shot at sunset by the NCAA that will send a message!

AUBURN: Accused Toomer Tree poisoner Harvey Updike will now be charged with 6 additional Federal charges to go along with the litany of state and local charges awaiting him for poisoning the beloved trees on Toomer’s Corner.
I know this is quite the “hot button” issue for Auburn fans.
So let me be sure I have this right.
You can kill a child or a baby in Auburn or even a college student and there isn’t any uproar or Federal Charges or cries of “Hang Him High!” But the same trees that were adorned with Toilet paper after Barak Obama’s 2008 election get poisoned and there are Federal Charges?

EDITORS NOTE: The sad part about all this is…..
I’m right

AUBURN PART II: Part of the brain trust of last year’s national championship Tiger’s team also known as the “Dumbass Four” have been indicted this past week by a Lee County Alabama Grand Jury for armed robbery.
The four Auburn players Antonio Goodwin, Shaun Kitchens, Mike McNeil and Dakota Mosley are due to be arraigned in Circuit Court on May 26th. All four players were immediately dismissed from the team by Coach Gene Chizik after Auburn Trustee Bobby Lowder called Coach Chizik and told him to dismiss them all from the team immediately.

EDITORS NOTE: What? No Federal Charges? Good thing they didn’t poison any trees.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Last week it was reported by the Los Angeles Times that Southern California Trojan Coach Lane Kiffin had his head removed from his posterior in a lengthy surgical procedure performed at Mount Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles.

Unfortunately the above story is incorrect.

The Doctor’s at Mount Sinai….
Removed a shoe from Coach Kiffin’s posterior believed to have belonged to Al Davis.
I hope this cleared up any misunderstanding.

SOUTH CAROLINA: As you may have read Coach Steve “Tough on Crime” Spurrier indefinitely suspended (for the fifth time) Gamecock quarterback Stephen “I ain’t got no drinking problem” Garcia for showing up at a University Life Skills class so drunk he couldn’t hit the ground with his hat.

EDITORS NOTE: Coach Steve if you keep letting these players back on the team after you “indefinitely suspend” them, then I am going to start calling you “Coach Steve Fulmer” and the University of South Carolina: The University of Tennessee at Columbia Campus.

Just so you know.

MICHIGAN: In an effort to rid the campus of bad memories and what has been described as “bad karma” the University of Michigan athletic department has petitioned for the removal of the “Skank-a-saurus” display from the University Anthropology Department.

This display was named for Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” and has remained a cornerstone on the campus since Coach Rich Rod’s arrival to Ann Arbor.

The head of the Anthropology Department Dr. Derek Dingus Ph.D had this to say about the issue: “I understand the athletic departments concerns and we will gladly comply with their wishes. Frankly we didn’t want the damn thing here in the first place. We only named the paleontology display after Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” after the athletic department asked us too. I am glad the whore and her idiot husband left town. She always smelled like a ten dollar hooker that wandered into a Huddle House at six o’clock in the morning.”

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t know how or why you are familiar with that particular smell Doctor, but eloquently and accurately put nonetheless.

OHIO STATE: Let me be sure I have this right…….
So the Head Coach knew his players were violating NCAA rules, right?
The players knew they were violating NCAA rules, right?
And everybody knows the violation of such rules makes them all ineligible, right?
Yet they don’t have to forfeit any wins?
Not even the Sugar Bowl Trophy or a share of the Big Ten Title?

EDITORS NOTE:I have NO idea why I think the NCAA enforcement committee is prejudice against the South.
Must just be my overactive imagination, you think?

NCAA: Recently a “mock” infractions and appeals board was held for the benefit of the new NCAA President Mark Emmert. After the daylong meeting, meant to explain the NCAA process of infractions, investigations and the appeals process to the new president, the president of the NCAA had this to say at the end of the conference.
“The process is so complicated and has so many layers; it was too confusing to understand”

EDITORS NOTE: Let me simplify this for you Mr President.
If you are a College that resides in the South, Southwest or to a lesser degree the Midwest, then you are automatically guilty. Those teams residing above the Ohio River or west of the Rocky Mountains are presumed innocent. Please see Ohio State above for a ready point of reference.

*Noted exceptions to the above rule governing the South are those individuals who can pay and or bargain their way out of an investigation i.e. Roy Kramer, Bobby Lowder and John “Thunder” Thornton and Fat Phil Fulmer.

MINNESOTA: With all the stories about college athletes selling memorabilia and autographs for tattoos and other athletes getting “indefinitely suspended” only to be brought back to the team time and time again, it’s refreshing to know there are other athletes out there who are working hard just to get an opportunity to play college football.

One such walk-on athlete is doing just that for the Golden Gophers this year.
His name is Curran Delany and he is a Marine.
I hope new Gopher Head Coach Jerry Kill will give Curran an opportunity to play.
He damn sure earned it.

RUTGERS: Breaking News!
The Scarlett Knight football program still isn’t important.

INDIANA: Please see the above message and substitute Hoosiers for Scarlett Knights.

THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE DEPARTMENT (DOJ): Although I view this term as an oxymoron in this particular instance I find myself coming to their defense.
Recently the Department of Justice (No Pun intended) held a hearing with the NCAA to determine “why there isn’t a college football playoff for Division I schools”.

Clearly the news media outlets have done a great injustice to the Department of Justice (No Pun intended). What do I mean by that statement?

The news outlets continue to report of crime and threats of terrorism (Can we still use that word anymore? Sorry), revolution and world turmoil and I am suppose to believe that with the world spinning off its axis the only thing the Department of Justice (No Pun intended) is interested in is a damn college football playoff?

Say it isn’t so?

After all that isn’t even their job, right?

I thought they were supposed to be catching “bad guys”.

So surely the news media outlets have to be wrong, right?

Because there already is a playoff system for Division I College Football, it’s called the regular season. The Oregon Ducks are traveling to Death Valley to take on the Mighty LSU Tigers to start the season. After The Oklahoma Sooners destroy Tulsa they are playing Florida State and after the Ohio State Buckeyes finish their “Beat every small college in Ohio” Tour they will eventually square off against the Hurricanes of Miami.
The season is supposed to be about playing out of conference opponents of substance and then winning your conference. Not playing a college known more for taxidermy than for offensive linemen and counting that as a “Big Win”.

So either the news media outlets are all wrong (Which is entirely possible) or we have a bunch of gibbering idiots running the Department of Justice (Which is also entirely possible).

In retrospect I would say it’s a tossup.

STATUES and LEGENDS

Much has been made by the national sports media of the statues of college football legends being erected on campus’s in the South. Let me make this real simple so maybe (just maybe) even the folks at Sports Illustrated will understand it.

At the University of Florida the bronze likenesses of Steve Spurrier, Danny Wuerffel and Tim Tebow will always be Legends of the Fall and there isn’t anything or anyone can say to change that. The memories of their accomplishments on and off the field will last for generations.

In Austin Texas there is only one Earl Christian Campbell and a bronze likeness of him is in Darrell Royal Memorial Stadium. No one will forget Earl, not now, not ever.

In Tallahassee a bronze statue of Seminole Coach Bobby Bowen stands outside the stadium pointing to the end zone, the retirement home or the restrooms, no one is quite sure.
But to Florida State fans everywhere there will always be love and admiration for Saint Bobby.

At the University of Alabama all of the Head Football Coaches who have coached one of the Thirteen National Championship teams are represented near the stadium with a statue. The latest addition is Coach Nick Saban who coached the 2009 National Championship team.
The players, the coaches, and the victories from those championships will be remembered forever.

On the campus of Auburn University the three Tiger Heisman trophy winners are all represented with newly erected statues outside Jordan-Hare Stadium. There is the great quarterback Pat Sullivan and the one and only Bo Jackson as well as a statue of recent Heisman trophy winner Cam Newton. However fans may see a difference in how these particular statues are configured. While the bronze statues of Pat Sullivan and Bo Jackson are bolted into the concrete foundation, the statue of Cam Newton is on wheels; at least until the NCAA investigation is completed.

CONFERENCE REALIGNMENTS PART I

My friends I understand and I feel your pain.
Conference Realignments are confusing and oftentimes disturbing.
Over the next several weeks up until the opening kickoff of the 2011 Season I will attempt to provide you (My Loyal readers) some insight and logic into this process.

THE BIG TEN?

Let us first take a look at what was the “Big Ten” with twelve teams……
There are more than ten teams in the “Big Ten” yet they still call themselves the “Big Ten”.

EDITORS NOTE: Please don’t be surprised if the lack of simple math skills displayed by the “Big Ten” conference administration doesn’t permeate throughout the various student bodies rendering our future leaders the inability to perform even the simplest additions and deductions.

This may explain where our current Government leaders came from.

The “Big Ten” then took another step……
Rather than naming their respective divisions within the conference “East or West” or “North or South”, which makes perfect sense, they decided to confuse the issue further by naming their divisions “Legends and Leaders”.

EDITORS NOTES: If your “Gay-Dar” went off when you read that you aren’t alone…..

“Legends and Leaders”, What the Hell does that mean?

How about Liars and Losers? That would have been more accurate, don’t you think?

In coming weeks we will discuss how Colorado is on the Pacific and Forth Worth Texas is really in the Big East. Confusing? You bet it is!
That is why I hope to have Rand McNally as a guest on the program to help break this all down for you, geographically speaking.

COACH’S CORNER

Coach’s Speak: College football coaches speak a different language that is oftentimes difficult to understand, particularly if you are not use to hearing it.
No need to worry, that’s why I am here.

In this brief segment I will interpret what Coach’s say and what they mean.

When a College Football Coach Says: “It is taking him a while to learn the system”

The Coach means: “That boy is dumber than a sack of horse turds”

When a College Football Coach Says: “We have the highest graduation rate in the conference”

The Coach means: “My ass is getting ready to be fired”

When a College Football Coach Says: “We do not have a disciple problem on this football team”

The Coach means: “I have one Hell of a disciple problem on this football team”

Where are they now?

For those Loyal Michigan Wolverine Fans who are missing good ole Coach Rich Rod, I want to assure you that he is doing just fine. Currently he is playing with his Hasbro Electric Football Game in his Mom’s basement and designing various plays while awaiting a call from what he described as “a big time school”. Good Luck Coach! And as a side note, I hope those hair plugs have finally blended in.

His wife “Rita Rod” and one time Ambassador for the University of Michigan Wolverines is scheduled to appear on the latest installment from VH1 entitled “Bret Michaels and the Rock of Skanks III”

VIDEO VAULT

I often read commentaries from “sports writers” on how passionate college football fans are in the South and specifically the Southeastern Conference Fans. They will occasionally make fun of our traditions and even our fans. While most of them have never attended a game outside of Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, yet they come off as “experts” in all things related to the South.

Now I will be the first to tell you that I have had a couple of closer encounters of the third kind in Neyland Stadium and I have had my issues with some fans and students within the Southeastern Conference but I have rarely (if ever) seen such “Sportsmanship” exhibited from fans of a second tier school in a third tier conference.

Watch at your own risk (or as much as you dare) and stay Classy Tucson……

Click here to view the embedded video.

EDITORS NOTE: As a safety tip for those fans that conduct yourselves in this manner…..
IF you act like this in Death Valley on a Saturday night, you just might find yourself in pot of Gumbo….

New Programs on A&E Fall of 2011

It’s time for a shameless plug for my favorite network….
There will be a plethora of new programs coming your way this fall on the A&E Network, other than my personal favorite “Dog the Bounty Hunter” (I love those guys)

“Columbus Ink” follows the hilarious high jinks of some fictional athletes in Columbus Ohio who sell autographs and various personal athletic memorabilia for a variety of tattoos and piercings all in an effort to look cool and hip. Managing all the while to stay one step ahead of the “Investigators”!

The NCAA calls the new program” witty and engaging” and “laugh out loud funny”.

In fact the new program has generated so much buzz and excitement there is already a “spin-off” program being developed. It’s rumored to be entitled “Liar Liar Pants on Fire” and this program follows the miss-steps and misadventures of the kooky fictional coach of the athletes in Columbus Ink.

He dresses like a librarian with little round glasses and even with his innocent looks he is constantly running around telling “little white lies” trying to keep his players out of trouble and keeping their kooky shenanigans away from the “Investigators”.
His catch phrase is (while shaking his index finger in the air)……
“You GUYS! What am I going to do with you?”

The Columbus Dispatch calls the rumored program “embarrassingly funny!”

EDITORS NOTE: The original movie produced by A&E “Take the Money and Run: The Cam Newton Story” will be seen later in the fall lineup, as they are awaiting the final report on the NCAA Investigation to provide what the network calls “a tragic ending”.

There will be much more in the coming weeks to include…..

An Exclusive Interview with last season’s Heisman Trophy winner and Carolina Panthers Number One Draft Pick Cam Newton.

Email Questions and Answers

Hootie Snitch gives his predictions on this season

You College Football Preseason Extravaganza
And Much More….
So Stay Tuned….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

We have reached the end of the 2010 College Football Season….

In this last edition will have end of the Season Emails…..

A New Year’s message or two….

And the last segment of the 2010 Bowl Predictions…

To include the BCS National Championship game…

Thank you all for coming along for the ride this year…
I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you.

Enjoy….

END OF YEAR EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Hey Mister Wizard, I know Christmas is over (Merry Christmas by the way) but my family and I made a trip to Dollywood and seen the “Nutcracker”, it was a hell of a thing to watch!
If you ever get the chance you need to go see it!
Thanks for all the picks this year, we sure enjoyed them!
The Davis family – Union City, Tennessee

A: Thank you Davis family, for those kind words, however…
I refuse to see the “Nutcracker” because it makes me uncomfortable for reasons that should be abundantly obvious. In fact I am feeling uncomfortable right now writing about it…

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard –
Your description of esteemed Auburn University Trustee Bobby Lowder is inaccurate and offensive.
He is not a dictator nor is he some maniacal power hungry lunatic!

Sure he has fired an editor of the Auburn student newspaper, but it didn’t have ANYTHING to do with an article about him, hardly, it was because the kid had acne and grossed people out.

He not only is the PRESIDENT of Colonial Bank (Ever heard of it?) but he is also one of the nicest people on the planet. Sure he has fired coaches and hired others without the consent of the University, BIG DEAL!
He knows what is best for Auburn University, NOT YOU!

So what if he still pays coach’s NOT to coach, we have jobs for them like calling Bo Jackson to wake him up in the morning, so how about just shutting up about it!

Mr. Lowder is the kind of man that really cares about the student athletes at Auburn University!
If some football player from a disadvantaged home who just happened to have a father that is a Preacher and they get some “help” from Colonial Bank on a no interest loan that they know he won’t ever pay back and then they can just write it off, SO WHAT?

It’s none of your War Damn Eagle business

Sincerely,

Lobby Bowder – Auburn, Alabama

A: I can smell your fear from here “Lobby”….
I’m coming for you big boy…

Q: Dear Sir –
I have a problem and I hope you can help me.
My neighbors are “Tennessee Fans” and their children came out of the house on Christmas morning, wearing these horrible, glow in the dark (God awful!) orange clothes that were clearly given to them for Christmas by their parents.
Should I say something to their parents?

Charlotte – Columbia, South Carolina

A: Charlotte under no circumstances should you say anything to the parents.
The next time you see the children outside in such garb, immediately call child protective services.
That constitutes child abuse…..
Same can be said if a child is wearing Michigan Wolverine clothing….

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
I was downright afraid after I read what Hootie Snitch wrote about Fulmer Claus coming into your house for Christmas! Now I ain’t completely sure but I think he may have snuck in our trailer house after we went to sleep.
Is there a sign or something that would tell me that Fulmer Claus was in our house?
Thanks and a Big Ole War Dam Eagle to you and Yours!

Chip and Susan – Opelika, Alabama

A: There are two signs actually Chip….
Your dog is pregnant and there are orange boogers on the couch….
The good news is the orange boogers should fit nicely with the rest of your décor….

Q: Mister Wizard –
First we want to thank you for a year of prognostications and humor!
Secondly I was wondering if you could settle a bet in our family this Christmas.
What is your favorite Christmas movie? Is it “It’s a Wonderful Life” or is it “Christmas Vacation” with Chevy Chase? (Those are the two choices we came up with)
Can you settle the bet for us; a fruit cake hangs in the balance.

The Roger’s Family – Little Rock, Arkansas

A: Thank you for the kind and generous words Roger’s Family….
However….
My two favorite Holiday Classics are Billy Jack and Lone Wolf McQuade with Chuck Norris.
I believe if Chuck Norris would have roundhouse kicked Mr. Potter in the first ten seconds of “It’s a Wonderful Life” there wouldn’t have been any need for Clarence the Angel to go through that nut roll to get his wings.

Q: Dear Sir –
I am somewhat surprised that a Neanderthal such as yourself and being a Marine as well, that you haven’t mentioned a word about the President eliminating the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Policy” from the Armed Forces. This is a glorious day in our country when homosexuals can proudly come out of the closet and into the mainstream of the military and I am perplexed as to your lack of commenting.
We were all expecting some kind of crude, childish sophomoric remarks from you.

Claire “Butch” Dykeson
Gay and Lesbian Coalition, San Francisco California

A: On the contrary Claire…..
I too am greatly encouraged.
Since the Government has decided to turn our once proud military into a perverted social experiment, It has motivated me to push legislation to end the worst of all injustices in our society today….
That’s right….
I am talking about not allowing blind people to operate heavy equipment, such as cranes and wrecking balls. The policy known as “If you can’t see, you can’t drive” has discriminated against blind people for decades. You may say; “what if they strike the wrong building with a wrecking ball?” And to that I say, you can put a price on a building but you can’t put a price on injustice.
I say end the discrimination and let blind people operate heavy equipment.

Makes sense, right?

NEW YEAR MESSAGE FROM HOOTIE SNITCH

First things First…..
Hope yawl all had a Very Merry Christmas…..

Because you better get ready…..

Cause in 2011 the Tennessee Volunteers are fixing to be Number Damn One!

So Happy New Year Yawl!
GO VOLS!

Hootie – Out!

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO ASS FOR THE NEW YEAR
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

I was a thinking the other day and I wrote me a little poem about all the things been going on.

Here it goes….

Ah’s out by the pond, with an ice cold beer
Sippin dat brew, got a fish on da line.
Ah was thankin bout thangs, Ah saw on TV
On my old black and white, yeah, it suited me.

See they was a thang, on tha’ Eee-Ess-Pee-EeN
Said some Ohia State players, was guilty as sin.
Them boys took ‘em some britches, and trinkets and thangs
And sold ‘em all off, for what money they’d brang.

And ah got ta thankin bout the EN-Cee-A-A
And wonderin’ what kinda B.S., they was gon’ say.
Cause I member back, a couple a months
Bout that boy Cam, and some a his stunts.

Ole, Cam’s a big boy, he’s a helluba playa
Wore out dem Game-Cocks, ran ober a Gata.
But what stuck in my craw, was fore he came a Tiger
His daddy, a preacher, came off like a liar.

See there was some folks, from Miss’ssippi State
They wanted him bad, so he’d change their fate.
But HIS daddy Cecil, dat ole preacher man,
Was gon’ make ‘em pay, he wanted a few grand.

But he didn’t end up playin, over in Stark-ville
He signed with Auburn, gave them folks a thrill.
Now that left me thankin’, and scratchin my head,
How THEY got that boy, with no money bein’ shed.

But somebody got sump’in, ole Cecil cashed in.
Cause his church was in shambles, about to cave in.
But all of a sudden, ‘round first of the year,
His buildin’ was fixed up, all the church folks did cheer.

This whole situation, it stunk like a deuce,
Cause half the damn countrys, drankin’ Cammy Cam Juice.
One day he’s suspended, then one day he’s right back,
N-C-double-A, must’ve been high on crack.

They said that ole Cam, didn’t know what’s goin’ on
That his daddy’s at fault, just him that done wrong.
But the rules that they have, say any relation,
If they’s doin’ wrong, is gonna face some damnation.

So that arr’gant young buck, he got out and he played
Auburn climbed to Number one, and that’s where they stayed.
Gonna play Or’gon Quacks, gonna have a big bash,
Cause them College rules folks, all they want is cash.

So I scratched my head, right down to my scalp,
This whole situation, it aint worth a crap,
Cause what them college folks done, had no rhyme or no reason,
They need investigatin’, for fixin’ a season.

THE BOWL GAMES (PART II)

December 30th

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Forth Worth, Texas
Southern Methodist and Army
You are probably wondering why there is no security alerts issued for this game….
That there is no reported terrorist activity in the Fort Worth area…..
The answer is simple….
Chuck Norris lives near Fort Worth….

This one is for Dandy Don Meredith, the Mighty Mustang….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-17

New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Bronx, New York
Kansas State and Syracuse
This Bowl Game in the “Bronx” in December….
(How damn stupid is that…)
Was originally called the “Car Jack Bowl”
Which is far more appropriate than naming a Bowl game after a type of suit…
WILDCATS 24-21

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
Nashville, Tennessee
North Carolina and Tennessee
This Bowl game is sponsored by a mortgage company?
Well, you know what that means….
The winner gets a trophy….
And the loser losses a house….
VOWELS 33-28

Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl
San Diego, California
Nebraska and Washington
At first I thought the name of this Bowl game was a joke….
“Education” in California…..
They can’t balance the state’s budget because they are broke (Math)
They have a Governor that can’t speak English (Public Speaking)
A lot of people in the state are there illegally and can’t or won’t speak or write English rendering them illiterate (Writing)
The latest poll in Los Angles says that a preponderance of people there still think O.J. Simpson is innocent of the Murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman (Mental Retardation)
And if you ever took the time to read a California High School History book, let me break it down for you….America sucks and it’s all Whiteys fault.
Education in California….
That is a joke…

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 28-21

December 31st

Meineke Car Care Bowl
Charlotte, North Carolina
Clemson and South Florida
I have a question concerning this sponsorship..
Who is this Jewish guy and why does he care about your car?
DABO’S TIGERS 33-17

Hyundai Sun Bowl
El Paso, Texas
Miami and Notre Dame
There was a time this was one hell of a game….
But it’s not that time…
HURRICANES 28-24

AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Memphis, Tennessee
Central Florida and Georgia
I like Memphis, maybe because I’m an Elvis man…
Thank you, thank you very much…
SIC EM DAWGS 34-24

Chick-fil-A Bowl
Atlanta, Georgia
Florida State and South Carolina
I have gotten a number of emails from both camps concerning this Bowl.
Here is the question that will determine the course of the game.
Which Garcia is going to show up for the Bowl game?
Here is your answer….
SEMINOLES 31-21

January 1st 2011

TicketCity Bowl
Dallas, Texas
Northwestern and Texas Tech
I cannot in good conscience support a Bowl game when the sponsors don’t even know where the damn game is being played. The game is in DALLAS, not TicketCity (Which I think is a speed trap outside of Nashville, Tennessee)
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 31-28

Outback Bowl
Tampa, Florida
Penn State and Florida
Joe Pa’s Lions are better on paper….
But this is Urban’s last game as a Gator…
And it won’t be played on paper
MIGHTY GATORS 28-24

Capital One Bowl
Orlando, Florida
Michigan State and Alabama
The Co-Big Ten Champion against the 2009 National Champions
It’s going to be a heck of a game
CRIMSON TIDE 34-24

Gator Bowl
Jacksonville, Florida
Michigan and Mississippi State
The City of Jacksonville, Florida wisely passed an ordinance when they realized the Michigan Wolverines were invited to the Bowl game. It is illegal for Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife Rita to appear on any Jacksonville beaches in anything other than a NASA space suit.
Wise move….
BULLY DOGS 31-28

Rose Bowl game presented by VIZIO
Pasadena, California
Wisconsin and Texas Christian
This is a must see game between two outstanding programs…
I’m just not sure why a Japanese guy is presenting it….
THE POWER OF CHEESE WHIZ 28-24

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Glendale, Arizona
Oklahoma and Connecticut
The Boys from Connecticut are going to be introduced to…
A Oklahoma Ass Whipping..
Believe it
BOOMER SOONERS 43-17

January 3rd 2011

Discover Orange Bowl
Miami, Florida
Virginia Tech and Stanford
The Cardinal has too much Luck for the Fighting Turkeys
CARDINAL 38-21

January 4th 2011

Allstate Sugar Bowl
New Orleans, Louisiana
Arkansas and Ohio State
Everyone is picking the Buckeyes in this one…
Except me
HAWGS 31-24

January 6th 2011

GoDaddy.com Bowl
Mobile, Alabama
Miami (OH) and Middle Tennessee State
I dearly love Mobile and I would like to be in the Flora-Bama Lounge as your reading this…
However, what the hell are they doing scheduling this game the day after the Sugar Bowl?
I don’t get it…
REDHAWKS 34-17

January 7th 2011

AT&T Cotton Bowl
Arlington, Texas
Texas A&M and LSU
Before I make my selection here…..
It’s important to note that Jerry “dumbass” Jones helped move the Cotton Bowl from Dallas (Where God Almighty intended it to be, Amen) to his stadium in Arlington where the Cowboys play. I have on good authority that is why God is punishing the Cowboys and preventing them from going to the playoffs. Amen
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 31-21

January 8th 2011

BBVA Compass Bowl
Birmingham, Alabama
Pittsburgh and Kentucky
I am all too familiar with the litany of acronyms across the military spectrum.
However, it confounds me as to why the maker of a compass has to put his initials in front of it.
Never mind…
JOKERS CATS 28-17

January 9th 2011

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl
San Francisco, California
Boston College and Nevada
If “Kraft” really wanted to “Fight” hunger they would make those individually wrapped cheese slices easier to unwrap. Why the hell do those things have to be child proof anyway?
Its Cheese damn it.
PACK OF WOLVES 34-17

January 10th 2011

Tostitos BCS National Championship Game
Glendale, Arizona
Auburn and Oregon
No one is really talking about Oregon…..
Which traditionally isn’t a good sign for the favored team
However, I am going with the Southeastern Conference in this one…
And the best player money could buy.
WAR DAMN EAGLES 38-34

2010 Post Season……

I want to thank you all for reading my Prognostications and Diatribes this Season and I’ve enjoyed your comments both good and not-so-good, they keep me honest. I will have periodic updates up until the BCS National Championship game and there will be a post game review of the festivities. So stay tuned.
But before I depart I wanted to leave you all with a traditional greeting from my home country…
Happy New Year…..

Click here to view the embedded video.

God Bless you all and thank you again for reading.

ROLL TIDE
THE CFB WIZARD

It’s that time of year again…….

When people will annoy the living hell of me by saying…..

“Happy Holidays”

This always elicits a response from me similar to this….

“Which Holiday is it? What’s that over there, is that a Holiday tree?”

I will tell you what “Holiday” it is….

It’s Christmas……

Glad I could break it down for you……

And it’s also time for Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator’s

2010 College Football Awards…..

So set back and enjoy the year that was….

And…..

Merry Christmas….

EMAIL LETTERS OF THE WEEK

Q: Mister Wizard I got me a question
I think I done finally met “The One” and Love hit me like a spark from a bad battery….
I ran into this woman at the Piggly Wiggly and she smelled…
Just like the inside of my Momma’s purse.

So I follow her and well…..
I didn’t have no money for a Christmas present and so what I done was….
I give her a mason jar that I done spit in as a gift….

Now maybe I got me the magnesia from that hit on the head I took last year from throwing softballs underneath a moving lawnmower…..
But last time I checked that was a dandy gift….

So here’s my question….
What should I get that gal and let her know that I got the betrothed for her?

“Fast Eddie” – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Eddie I take it from your eloquent description of love…..
That you are clearly a University of Tennessee Volunteer fan…..
With that being the case….
I would say you have picked out the perfect Christmas Gift…
The fact she has not returned your “affections” may be due to the fact she isn’t a Volunteer Fan, even if she did smell like “Your Momma’s Purse”

Q: Dear Sir –
This time of year can be so confusing; it’s hard to know what to believe in when it comes to religion.
Between Hanukkah and Christmas I hardly know what to say to people or what to believe in.
I feel kind of lost and was in hopes you could guide me through this…..

Tim – Conway, Arkansas

A: Tim, this time of year can be tough…..
But you came to the right place….
I have found there are three basic truths when it comes to religion.
One….Jewish people don’t recognize Jesus as the messiah
Two…Protestants don’t recognize the Pope as a deity….
Three……..Baptist don’t recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters…

Q: Hey Mister Wizard –
What ever happened to the regular Bowl games without all the sponsorships?
When is it going to end?
What’s next? The X-Lax Bowl sponsored by Charmin Bathroom Tissue?

Nick – Platte City, Missouri

A: Unfortunately Nick……
That particular “Bowl” game is scheduled to be played next year in Sioux City Iowa….

2010 CFB WIZARD COLLEGE FOOTBALL AWARDS

CHRISTMAS SAFETY TIP

This Christmas season it’s important for parents in the East Tennessee area, to be extremely careful when allowing their children to “visit” Santa at the local shopping mall.

It has been reported that Fat Phil Fulmer has been seen disguised as Saint Nick in an effort to devour unsuspecting children before he goes into hibernation on 30 December.

If you are unsure as to the real identity of your shopping mall Santa, here are the clues to assist you to determine if Fat Phil has infiltrated Santa’s Workshop.

If the “Santa” is over 700 pounds and smells like Krispy Crème Donuts….

If the “Santa” begins to salivate like an attack dog at the sight of a plump child…

If “Santa” is wearing a glow in the dark orange outfit as opposed to the traditional crimson outfit

Then call the authorities immediately……
Or the local Zoo, they are familiar with tranquilizing large animals….

BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT FROM CRAIGS LIST

Email Found on Craiglist under Unique Christmas Gift Ideas:

“For sale: One brand new, unused 2010 Heisman Trophy.
Please contact the Right Rev. Newton.
No NCAA inquiries please.”

BEST TEAM NOT in the BCS CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

The award this year is a tie between…..

The Wisconsin Badgers and the Texas Christian Horned Frogs

Either one or both of these teams are worthy of a “real” shot at the National Championship and if you don’t think so; then by all means schedule a game with them next year.

BEST DISPLAY of UNBRIDLED ADULATION

The CBS College Football commentating crew of Vern “Cammy Cam Juice” Lundquest and Gary “I Heart Cammy” Danielson and Tracy “I have an unsightly mole on my upper lip” Wolfson won this award for their undying love and devotion of all things related to Auburn quarterback Cam Newton.

I haven’t seen that much suckling since I bought a trailer full of new calves.

BEST LITTLE RICHARD IMITATION

Again a member of the CBS College Football crew takes home the prize…..
This time from the CBS College Football Studio..

Spencer Tillman not only wears more makeup than Little Richard….
He sounds even gayer…

Congratulations, I think

BEST PLAYER MONEY COULD BUY

This award is also known as the Reggie Bush Award…..

The winner in a landslide is Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton….

How appropriate…

UGLIEST CHEERLEADER AWARD

This Award does not go to the ugliest Cheerleader Uniforms as was though last year by some readers. This Award is for the actual “ugliest” cheerleaders themselves.

And the Winner is….

The Michigan Wolverine Cheerleaders….
With the help of Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” the Wolverine Cheerleaders adopted rather whorish Maze and Blue eye shadow and eight inch clear plastic stripper shoes.

The fact that most of those girls could eat corn on the cob through a tennis rack only added to their already impressive lead over second place Notre Dame.

The other piece of good news related to this award…..
Rita Rod and the Michigan Wolverine Cheerleaders are slated to be on VH1 in the Spring
on “Bret Michaels Rock of Love VII: The Collection of Skanks”

Congratulations Ladies…

BIGGEST COACH

The Head Coach of the Maryland Terrapins takes home the Award this year…

Although Coach Ralph Friedgen isn’t as big as Wynonna Judd, it is important to note that she is not a college football coach and therefore is not eligible for this award.

BEST IMITATION OF A COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACH

Although the “mighty” Southern California Trojans are ineligible for a Bowl game this season due to the Reggie Bush saga, they none the less take home an award this year as “coach” Lame Kitten continues his hilarious and often times childish imitation of a “real” college football coach.

My favorite part is when his Daddy dresses him for each game, priceless.

JACQUE COUSTEAU AWARD

This Award is given out to the College Football “commentator” who clearly has a snorkel in his or her butt because they seemingly can’t seem to shut the hell up during an entire game.

The winner this year in a close contest…..

ABC Sports Brent Musburger who was followed closely by ESPN’s extremely homely Pam Ward. Both of which are deserving of the award, but it was rumored during one Big Ten telecast that Pam Ward actually paused during a play and that was the difference in the voting. Yes, it was that close.

EDITORS NOTE: Or as they used to say in the country…..
Both of these people are as windy as a bag full of buttholes

THE NEBULOUS FACTS AWARD

This Award wasn’t even close…..

The CBS College Football telecast continues to stun and amaze with such “facts” as:

Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton LOVES Ice Cream……

Every Time the LSU Tigers walk on to the field leading with their left foot, they score first and when they don’t they score second.

Arkansas Quarterback Ryan Mallet is over six feet five inches tall, which is taller than any cast member in the Wizard of Oz.

The University if Kentucky plays their home games in Lexington, which was also the name of an aircraft carrier during World War II

The Georgia Bulldogs have a “G” on the side of their helmets which also happens to be the first letter in “Georgia”

Steve Spurrier used to coach the Florida Gators and now he coach’s the South Carolina Gamecocks and they are two different teams.

Mississippi State is known for their cowbells which are used for cows and also for locating Vern Lundquest when he is liquored up and wanders away from his motel room.

The Tennessee Volunteers are called the Volunteers because Tennessee is the Volunteer state, which is different than the Show Me State which is Missouri.

Congratulations you bunch of irritating AFLAC Duck loving idiots….

UGLIEST UNIFORM AWARD

The clear winner of this award is….

The butt ugly Oregon Duck Uniforms….

I am convinced somebody on heroin designed this combination of glow in the dark nightmares that forces the viewer at home to wear sunglasses while watching television.

UGLIEST FOOTBALL FIELD

The Boise State Bronco’s and their horribly disgusting “Blue” football field takes the award this year, last year and more than likely next year as well.

I’m color blinded and it gives me a damn headache, I can only imagine the insanity it causes the rest of you during telecast.

Those are your awards this year…..
Congratulations to all the winners…

Your Bowl prognostications are a day away…..
So Stay Tuned, there is a lot more on the way this Christmas…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

There are a lot of things in this life I simply don’t understand…..

For example:

I don’t understand when I purchased an Olympic Air Pistol in California…
I had to wait 14 days to pick it up. (The optimum word here is “Air Pistol”, as in a Pellet gun)

Yet if I go down to any local airport with 100K in cash….
I can purchase two or three airplanes and put Abu Nadia Mustafa Muhammad and his twin brother in the pilots seat and take off and nobody so much as bleaks an eye.

I know …..
If the FBI heard I was having a party in the woods and my friends were all wearing sheets and burning crosses….
Every Federal agent within nine hundred miles would descend upon me and TNT would show “Mississippi Burning” on a 72 hour loop for good measure.

Yet in any radical mosque in the United States at any given time…..
There is venom that is spouted and destruction of our way of life is preached and nobody says boo.

And frankly I am baffled as to why Brett Michaels has ever had a television program.

But that’s another story……

So what does this have to do with College Football?

Plenty…..

I beat the drum for years over the Reggie Bush saga and continued to remind you readers of the unfairness and blind eye of the NCAA during the “investigation” of the Southern California Trojans and Reggie’s Parents.

Many of you encouraged me and some thought I was out of my mind.

Some of you thought I was somehow bitter or jealous over the success of the Trojans and suggested I simply “drop it and move on”.

Many of you may say the very same thing in just about a minute or two…..

I have lived long enough to know that life isn’t fair.
In all honesty I probably had that figured out before most of you growing up.
That’s not to say I am smarter than any of you, nothing could be further from the truth.

I am simply saying this.

I know life isn’t fair.

But I like those in “Power” to be consistent with their decisions.
In fact, I demand it.

Like many of you I don’t like an organization that attempts to BS me and tell me “This is A-O.K.”, when we all know it smells to high heaven.

The reason I say this is…..

Some time ago……

The NCAA tells me that the University of Alabama is put on probation for four years over Albert Means recruitment out of Memphis, yet no money was ever proven to have passed between any parties. It wasn’t his parent that “shopped” him; it was his High School Football Coach.

At the same time, Phil Fulmer and the University of Tennessee had “student-athletes” with their very own “walking classes” to get that pesky grade point average up….

And then there was Tee Martin…..
Remember him?
He was the quarterback from Mobile Alabama that led the Volunteers to their first National Championship since the days of General Neyland.

He was receiving a “large” of money monthly from a Tennessee Alumnus in Mobile and even purchased him a new Suburban to go to school in (How nice)

Tee Martin lied about receiving money and then got caught in the lie…….

Yet the SEC Commissioner at the time Roy “Crooked Ass” Kramer said….
“It’s all good no rules were broken”

The NCAA quickly followed suit and said….
“We are good with the findings of the conference”

To speak nothing of the rapes, assaults and robberies perpetrated by players under Phil Fulmer at the University of Tennessee and grade fixing (yes, I said grade fixing) by members of the University to keep those thugs eligible to play for the Big Orange.

And nobody said boo…….

A few years ago……
The University of Alabama was required to forfeit games and set players out of games and the player’s eligibility questioned, because it was reported “Some athletes sold their text books instead of turning them back to the university”

The NCAA stated:
“This is a very serious matter, one athlete reportedly made $136.00 upon selling his text books, instead of returning them per the rules.”

O’ MY GOD! One Hundred and Thirty Six Dollars!
Fire up the Electric Chair!

Meanwhile there was Reggie Bush and Dewayne Garrett at the University of Southern California having the time of their young lives.

Remember Dwayne? He lived “rent free” in an Apartment for a year and a half…
The rent was only $4500.00 dollars a month…….
To say nothing of utilities etc
Pretty nice apartment, wouldn’t you say?
Especially for a college kid with no job and parents who lived in a housing authority….

But the NCAA said…..
“Dwayne didn’t know he had to pay rent….”

Seriously?
Try that next time you are in the grocery store and see how far you get……
My guess is you won’t make it to the parking lot….

So when the NCAA and the SEC Conference Commissioner tell me…….
Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton is clean……..

I go to the rule book…..
And it says……

If at any time before or after matriculation in a member institution a student-athlete or any member of his/her family receives or agrees to receive, directly or indirectly, any aid or assistance beyond or in addition to that permitted by the Bylaws of this Conference (except such aid or assistance as such student-athlete may receive from those persons on whom the student is naturally or legally dependent for support), such student-athlete shall be ineligible for competition in any intercollegiate sport within the Conference for the remainder of his/her college career.”

So let this be said…….

I believe in being consistent…..

I rode Fat Phil Fulmer like a Hippo at the county Fair until they ran his fat ass out of OBknoxville over his “indiscretions” at the University of Tennessee.

I was like a bulldog with a new chew toy over the Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans. I just wouldn’t let it go and you all know it…..

There have been others…….

So know this…….

I am coming for you……

I will not give this up……

Not because it isn’t fair, but because it’s BS and we all know it…..

And maybe because I just enjoy a good fight…

But ultimately…
It isn’t consistent….

In the coming weeks…..
There will be Bowl prognostications and Season ending awards…..

There will be an article or two that will make you laugh and a Christmas Story that will make you cry and make you feel good in the process.

But I wanted to take this opportunity to give you all something to ponder…..

And let those folks know I’m coming for you…..

And if you think my power is somehow relegated to this little blog…..

You have clearly underestimated your opponent

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Well my friends it’s the last official week of the 2010 College Football Season…..
It’s been a wild year…..

This year has had more surprises than a birthday party at a schizophrenic’s house
And it’s been just as crazy.

Nobody guessed Auburn and Oregon in the BCS Title game…
(Certainly not yours truly)

And I couldn’t imagine the Texas Longhorns not being in a Bowl game….
Or Coach Meyer leaving Gainesville…..

College Football is a lot like life and I suppose that’s one of the reasons we love it.
Each season and each game brings new hope….
It brings the occasional joy and disappointment…..
It makes us happy and it should make us humble….

The 2010 College Football Season is coming to a close…..

But have no fear my dear readers….
We will have the Prognostications on the College Bowl Season….
As well as season ending Awards and a “special” Christmas message from…
The Number One Tennessee Fan on the Planet: Hootie Snitch

And just maybe a Christmas story or two…..

There is more on the way so stay tuned….

Enjoy Your Picks…

Breaking College Football News

Over the years, many of you have inquired about…..
“Whatever happened to Little David Wilkins” also known as the “King of All Tavern Music“.
Certainly his hugely popular self-titled album (known to all)…..
“Little David Wilkins: The King of all Tavern Music“….
Surpassed even the Bee Gees in select accordion polka markets in the 1970’s…..

Although snubbed by the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame….
I’m sure you all know he transformed the music industry and his soothing sounds are a staple in taxi cabs and elevators from Cleveland Ohio to Terre Haute Indiana.

I am sad to report the mystery of his disappearance has been solved.

Evidence has surfaced that former Tennessee football coach Phil Fulmer ate “Little David Wilkins” on a Ritz cracker on a dare at a party at his house in Maryville Tennessee in the spring of 1997.
The evidence recovered consisted of a shoe reportedly belonging to “Little David”, a belt buckle and his personalized genuine mother of pearl accordion.

The evidence was recovered during a routine colonoscopy conducted on Phil Fulmer in December of this year. Also found in Phil Fulmer’s large intestine, but not related to this investigation was a bumper from a 1971 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme.

The investigation is ongoing and as of yet, there are no reported arrests.

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Minus this week’s selections…….
Your Favorite College Prognosticator finished the 2010 College Football Season….
595 and 148 or an above average 80% for the entire year…

Not too bad all things considered….

But I know what you are saying about last week…..
I shouldn’t have picked Mercy Me this close to Christmas to beat a Sheppard….
And I know….
The Mules went down and the Fighting Okra didn’t get fried…..
And I certainly didn’t think the South Carolina Gamecocks would forget how to tackle…

But sometimes…….
Even I miss one or two or three……

EMAIL LETTERS OF THE WEEK

Q: Mister Wizard I have a question for the Holidays that I hope you can answer..
In the comedy classic movie “Bettlejuice”….
If someone said his name three times in succession Beetlejuice himself would appear.
During the Christmas season, if someone says “Ho-Ho-Ho”….
Does that mean Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife Rita Rod will suddenly show up?

GO BUCKS
Steve – Columbus, Ohio

A: Good question Steve…..
Fortunately for the rest of us that “curse”…..
Only applies to those schools residing within the Big Ten.

Q: Mister Wizard I saw something a week ago I couldn’t believe.
I was surfing through some channels trying to find a college football game….
And O’ My God…..
I saw some female cheerleaders on the sidelines and they looked like they were the off-spring of a romance between the Navy Midshipmen Goat mascot and the Oregon State Beaver mascot.
I have never seen such crossed eyed buck toothed girls in my entire life.
I swear one of them even had chin whiskers.

Rob – Pensacola, Florida

A: The game you are referring to Rob….
Would be the Notre Dame – Southern California game.
If it makes you feel any better, you are not the only one that has had that type of reaction to seeing the Notre Dame Cheerleaders. Those girls could floss with a number two pencil.

Q: Mister Wizard…….
My Beloved Longhorns aren’t going to a Bowl Game this year….
And to be honest…
I wouldn’t care if they were going to the Turkey Testicle Bowl and playing a damn team from the Taxidermy Academy. I just wanted to see them play one more time….
Now I have to take my damn family to the movies and see some Harry Potter whatever….
How many of those Harry Potter movies are they going to make anyway?
Thanks for letting me vent…

Terry – Austin, Texas

A: To my knowledge Terry, there is yet one more planned installment to the Harry Potter “series”. It’s called “Harry Potter and the Magical Curse of the Nursing Home”

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“Just so’s you know……
I still ain’t over the Iron Bowl: Not by a damn sight”

EDITORS NOTE: I feel you brother…

THE PICKS

Friday December 10th

New Hampshire at Delaware
I like the motto of New Hampshire….
“Live Free or Die”
But I am going with the cold chickens in this one…
BLUE HENS 34-24

Saturday December 11th

Villanova at Appalachian State
Little known fact…..
“Villanova” spelled backwards is Latin for…..
“I like to smell my hands after I scratch my butt”
Which is disgusting…
MOUNTAINEERS 28-24

Georgia Southern at Wofford
I cannot in good conscience pull for a school named after a pesky cough
Especially during cold and flu season…..
EAGLES 24-17

Alabama State at Texas Southern
I do love those Hornets from Alabama…..
But the Tigers have the “Motion of the Ocean Soul Marching Band”
And before you ask…
Yes that matters in this selection…
TIGERS in MOTION 33-24

North Dakota State at Eastern Washington
The Bison have beaten the big boys this year and continued to roll….
While the Eagles have just gotten by….
Plus I really like Bison Burgers from Ted’s Montana Grill….
So there you have it..
BISONS 43-24

Army at Navy
There is no finer game in all of College Football…..
The sportsmanship….
The intensity….
The dedication and determination…
There is no controversy about somebody’s daddy getting the academy to “pay” for their son’s services; these sons will soon be paying for their service to their country.
It’s all on display….
Enjoy college football in its purest form…..
MIDSHIPMEN 28-21

The Division II Semi-Final Games…..

Sheppard at Delta State
I know I shouldn’t pick against the Sheppard’s this close to Christmas….
But I’m an Okra Man…..
(In case you were wondering I prefer it fried)
FIGHTING OKRA 28-24

Northwest Missouri at Minnesota Duluth
I know the James – Younger Boys didn’t fair too well on their last trip to Minnesota
I am going with an upset in this one….
MO’S WEST 33-28

In the coming weeks, we will have a variety of Bowl predictions to include…..
The National Championship Game

A very “special” Christmas message by Hootie Snitch….
And More….
So stay tuned…

Enjoy Your Games

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Halloween is over and I hope that none of my beloved readers lost a loved one this year to the insatiable appetite of Fat Phil Fulmer when he emerged from the pumpkin patch.

But there were far too many “Tricks” and not enough “Treats” to suit me this year.

This coupled with the “signs” of the coming apocalypse made Halloween all too disturbing.
What do I mean and what are the signs of the end of the world you may ask?

The signs are all around us…..

Texas loses to Baylor….
(O’ the Humanity!)

Notre Dame loses to Tulsa and STILL has a television contract…
(How is that even possible?)

Syracuse continues to win…
(Despite my best efforts of picking against them)

West Virginia..
(Please see Texas above and substitute “Baylor” with Syracuse and Connecticut)

The Miami Hurricanes lose to Virginia….

The Navy Midshipmen lose to the Duke Blue Devils

EDITORS NOTE: Clearly Satan’s hand was at work in this game…
Is it a coincidence that “Blue Devils” beat the Midshipmen?
I think not…

And certainly the most obvious sign of the end of the age….

The Oregon Ducks are Ranked Number One….
I rest my case….

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was “Tricked” on Halloween…
(I admit it…)

I was a dismal 41 and 15 or 73% on Halloween weekend…
That leaves us at 413 and 97 for the season or 81% after nine weeks of college football.

Have no fear my beloved readers, this setback will not deter me
In the words of that immortal 20th Century philosopher M.C. Hammer….
“I’m 2 Legit to Quit…”

EMAIL LETTER OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mister Smartass –
We have been a reading what you write about Coach Phil Fulmer!
He only happens to be the greatest damn football coach to ever wear orange!

If I was you un’s I would watch my self.
I understand Phil Fulmer is six foot five and seven hundred and forty two pounds and he is ALL man!
Hope you enjoyed your little laugh cause Coach Phil is going to catch up with you mister!
Then you are done for!
Danny “Possum Face” Rogers – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Danny…..
Fat Phil Fulmer couldn’t catch me if they strapped his fat ass to a Saturn 5 rocket.

HOOTIE SNITCH UPDATE

As was reported last week…
The self proclaimed number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the planet Hootie Snitch..
Was scheduled to provide you readers with an update this week on his “celebrity golf tournament” in Baneberry Tennessee to “help his momma with the hoof and mouth disease” and provide commentary on the Tennessee Volunteer football program.

Unfortunately Hootie is atop the Baneberry water tower and has vowed “not to come down until the Volunteers win a conference game.”

However, I suspect his “Water Tower Vow” has less to do with the Volunteers lackluster season than it does with Mrs Hootie Snitch (the former Miss Thelma Stroderback) being rather upset with Mr. Snitch.

I say that because….
Hootie has stated that Miss Thelma can empty a bar “when she is a having the PMS….”

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“I don’t understand these folks that run the college football on television….
Why do they think it takes ten damn people talking fo’ three hours about a game we already know about?
It don’t make no difference if they was a coach or player or a water boy, we already know who is playing and what’s at stake in the game.

That’s why we is fans, which they don’t seem to understand…..

Them people give me a damn headache just listening to them go on and on and back and forth.
And they have some people calling the games on television…
They don’t know nothing about college football, its traditions or the history of the games and mispronounce the player’s names during the whole damn game.

I even seen a couple of women calling them games….
It’s bad enough they don’t know nothing about the game….
But they is ugly as a shaved rat too….
I tell you it’s damn shame is what it is….”

EDITORS NOTE: Wise words my friend….Wise words.

THE PICKS

Thursday November 4th

Buffalo at Ohio
I’m not sure why an NFL team is playing Ohio University….
Never mind…
It’s the Buffalo Bills, now that makes sense..
FRANKS BOBCATS 33-17

Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech
This game will be played Thursday Night….
Enter the Sandman….
HOKEY POKEY 24-21

Friday November 5th

Western Michigan at Central Michigan
This instate rivalry is played for the….
“CMU-WMU Rivalry Trophy”
How inventive…
CHIPPEWAS’ 31-28

Central Florida at Houston
The Cougars post season hopes dim as their injury list grows….
Sad, but true…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 34-21

Saturday November 6th

Virginia at Duke
Fans across the Atlantic Coast Conference have waited for this clash of the titans all year..
Not really, I was just trying to hype a game that nobody really cares about …
CAVALIERS 24-21

Air Force at Army
This game may very well decide who wins the “Commander in Chief’s Trophy”
Now…
If we only had a “Commander in Chief” to award the trophy
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-24

Dickenson at Juniata
Miss Emily Dickenson better be ready for a tussle on Saturday….
Because Juanita just got a new pair of pink “Baby Girl” sweat pants from K-Mart..
She is almost unbeatable in those things….
J-LO DOWN 34-14

Florida at Vanderbilt
The Commodores get shipped on by the Mighty Gators in Music City
In case you were wondering….
I thought that one up myself.
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Davidson at Marist
I don’t know much about David’s Son but that Marist is a real Fox
RED FOX 24-20

Louisville at Syracuse
I can’t believe I am writing this…..
OTTO the ORANGE 28-24

Baylor at Oklahoma State
Can you hear that?
It’s the Prairie Wind touching the boys from Wacko in the mean place….
COWBOY UP! 33-24

Idaho State at Georgia
Famous Potatoes gets mashed between the hedges….
And that’s a fact
DAWGS 38-10

Charleston Southern at Kentucky
The Buccaneers gets the crap bucked out of them in the Bluegrass…
JOKERS CATS 43-10

Ursinus at Muhlenberg
I like the Big German Girl in this one….
She looks a lot like the Swiss Miss Girl…
On Steroids
HELGA 31-17

Chattanooga at Auburn
This game is going to be uglier than a party at Charlie Sheen’s House
Minus the cocaine, hookers, midget clowns etc.
WAR DAMN EAGLE 121-3

Akron at Ball State
I wanted to see this game…
But my “Best of Zamfir Pan Flute” CD is supposed to arrive….
ZIPPERS 33-28

UNLV at Brigham Young
I wonder if there was ever a guy named Brigham “Old” …..
Just wondering….
COUGARS 43-10

Rice at Tulsa
I think the most appropriate comment about this game…
Comes once again from that wisest of all modern urban philosophers
M.C. Hammer, when he said and I quote…
“You can’t touch this..”
GOLDEN HURRICANES 28-21

EDITORS NOTE: That song is stuck in your head now and I am truly sorry…

Temple at Kent State
Saturday is supposed to be a perfect day for football…..
Or in the words of Billy Idol….
“It’s a Nice day for a White Wedding..”
FLASHES of GOLD 28-24

EDITORS NOTE: Not really sure what that is supposed to mean…
I purposely used this song to replace the rather annoying song I placed in your heads earlier.
No need to thank me…

Susquehanna at Worchester Tech
I had no idea the Worchester Sauce people had their own college….
Did you?
SUSIE Q 33-10

Colorado at Kansas
I had every intention of watching this game…
But QVC is having an hour long special on “Ant Farms for Fun and Profit”
BUFFALOS 24-21

Appalachian State at Georgia Southern
The Eagles will get the Statesboro Blues when the Mountaineers roll into town
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

New Mexico State at Utah State
There will be a lot of Aggies in this one….
But only one Pistol Pete
PISTOL PETE 34-28

Hawaii at Boise State
The national sports media is touting this game as a “Clash for the Championship”
In reality….
It’s neither….
BRONCOS 92-88

Navy at East Carolina
The United States Navy knows how to deal with Pirates….
Or at least they should…
MIDSHIPMEN 34-31

Nebraska at Iowa State
The Husker Nation is on the road to the Big 12 Championship game….
This game will not be a detour…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 43-24

Texas Christian at Utah
I have on good authority that Chuck Norris lives in Fort Worth
That being said….
Those two Utes better run like hell before they get a roundhouse kick to the head!
HORNED FROGS 33-24

Southern Miss at Tulane
This Southern Rivalry is called the “Battle for the Bell”
It’s played every year for “The Bell”
And “The Bell” will stay in Hattiesburg until hell freezes over…
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-10

James Madison at Richmond
I like the James Madison team and I will tell you why…
Any college that names their team after John Wayne is alright by me…
DUKES 24-20

Alabama at LSU
There is nothing like playing a game in Death Valley…
It’s what the Christians must have felt like in the Roman coliseum
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

Lenoir-Rhyne at Carson Newman
I can’t believe they spelled this incorrectly in the scheduling guide.
It’s supposed to be…
“Lee Ann Rimes”…..
But as a side note…
Why she is playing college football continues to baffle me…
SPARKS EAGLES 38-24

Boston College at Wake Forest
Two things you can count on in this game…
It’s going to be close…
And the Demon Deacon mascot will scare children and make them cry
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 24-21

Marshall at UAB
It pains me to write this…..
It really does….
BLAZERS 38-24

Nevada at Idaho
It’s funny how some words have different meanings….
For example:
You might pronounce that name “Ida-Ho”……
People in Obknoxville say….
“Ho-Down”…..
WOLFPACK 44-24

Wyoming at New Mexico
I would rather see Whoopi Goldberg naked than watch this game…
No, that’s a lie….
On the threat of torture and death I wouldn’t want to see that….
LOW BLOWS 24-17

U La La at Ole Miss
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt, sometimes you don’t
This week….I do…
FOAM RUBBER REBEL BEARS 43-17

Oregon State at UCLA
There is no doubt about it…
I believe in the Power of the Beaver…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 31-24

Oklahoma at Texas A&M
Honestly, I’m too nauseous over my Whoopi Goldberg comment to say something funny here.
I’ve already thrown up twice….
BOOMER SOONERS 38-34

West Alabama at North Alabama
This instate battle in Alabama is played for something more than a trophy or a catchy name.
It’s pride and bragging rights and that says it all.
MIGHTY LIONS 38-10

Arkansas at South Carolina
The Hogs will keep this one close……
Don’t be surprised if Coach Steve doesn’t lose his visor over this one…
GAMECOCKS 31-28

Troy at North Texas
I love the fine folks in Denton…
But why did they have to name their team after a kitchen cleanser?
MEN OF TROY 28-24

Missouri at Texas Tech
MO knows how to get his guns up….
After all, it is the Home of the James and Younger Boys…
Enough said..
MO’S TIGERS 34-17

Texas at Kansas State
I am going to say what we are all thinking..
Notable exception to this would be Oklahoma and Texas A&M fans…
“Damn it Texas, Come ON!”
Now that I have that out of my system..
LONGHORNS 24-17

Tennessee at Memphis
It’s that time of the year in Volunteer country….
When the Big Orange faithful don their finest wife beaters..
And drive their homes across the state to the land of Elvis…
It’s considered to be a pilgrimage if they tour Graceland…
VOWELS 38-17

Southern Methodist at UTEP
This game promises to be a shoot out….
But I have faith in Coach June’s Boys…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34

Colorado State at San Diego State
I would rather watch..
Hillary Clinton play “strip” Twister with Rosie O’Donnell than watch this game
Sorry I made myself throw up again with that one…
RAM TOUGH 33-31

Arizona State at Southern California
I would watch this game….
But Mike Tyson is going to be on “celebrity” Jeopardy
I bet before the first commercial break he bites Alex Trebek’s ear off….
LAME CHEATERS 6-3

Minnesota at Michigan State
This semi-ancient Big Ten Rivalry is played for the “Bucket of Lard”
And in case you were wondering….
Phil Fulmer is the poster child for the Lard Council who sponsors this event.
SPARTANS 43-10

Iowa at Indiana
Another Big Ten game and yet another rivalry trophy…
This game is played each year for the “Sombrero of Bacon”
It may sound tasty to some of you…
But I have on good authority it starts smelling a little gamey by April
EYES of the HAWK 34-17

North Carolina at Florida State
I still miss seeing Coach Bobby on the sidelines….
Wandering around aimlessly in his Vietcong hat, wielding goggles..
And wearing pants with a fifty six inch zipper.
Ahhhhhh Good times.
TAR HEELS 28-24

Virginia at Duke
This game is going to be so boring I listed it twice….
CAVALIERS 24-21

Northwestern at Penn State
Many of you have asked me this year….
After all the years of Coaching in Happy Valley….
What does Joe Pa wear to Lion games for “Good Luck”
The answer is:
Depends
JOE PA’S LIONS 24-21

Arizona at Stanford
I have a philosophical question that is unrelated to this game
If you can purchase a variety of “combination” items from the grocery store
Such as a combination “Mayo and Tuna” package, presumably because they go together.
Then why isn’t there a “Toilet paper and Ex-Lax” combination pack?
I’m just asking…
CARDINAL 34-17

Maryland at Miami
Last week the Hurricanes couldn’t generate enough wind to qualify as a popcorn fart…
That won’t happen this week…
HURRICANES 34-24

Illinois at Michigan
For those folks visiting Ann Arbor this weekend I want to provide a brief safety tip for you
Under NO circumstances should you ask Coach Rod’s wife Rita..
“What would you do for a Klondike Bar?”
If her answers were not horribly disgusting enough, she felt obligated to act them out…
Frankly what she did with that Sock Money was a crime…
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-31

Wisconsin at Purdue
Behold the Power of Processed Cheese by Products
BADGERS 34-13

Washington at Oregon
I had no idea The History Channel was going to have a three hour special on..
“The History of Macaroni Art” or I would watch this game….
QUACKERS 101-10

North Carolina State at Clemson
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
My Tiger family….
You must believe…
DABOS TIGERS 28-24

California at Washington State
The “announcers” for this PAC 10 game sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks
On helium…
I’m serious…
O’ so GOLDEN BEARS 131-0

Enjoy your games…..

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Welcome back my friends, I have missed you all.

Despite being in exile in a rather hostile and uncivilized land…
I would rather be caught in an “I (Heart) the NCAA” T-Shirt that ever disappoint my beloved fans.

EDITORS NOTE:
Before you ask, “No”, I am not trapped in OBKnoxville or Los Angeles.

Why do I endeavor such a herculean task under such austere conditions you may ask? Because I care, that’s why.

With that being said, Welcome to the 2010 College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza.

Enjoy……

Over the years I have introduced your Pre-Season College Football Extravaganza with a variety of openings…
such as the wildly popular “College Football Etiquette 101” and such thought provoking entries as “How to make College Football Better”.

This Season, for those of you who are new to the College Football Experience and for those fans that are veterans at college football preparation.
I have prepared a “How To” for College Football Fans to further enhance your College Football experience in 2010.

THE “HOW TO” OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL

DRESSING FOR THE GAME

The Right Way….
The area of the country your team is located will have a direct impact on how one will dress for the upcoming game.
Much of this is culturally driven, but certainly there are other factors such as climate, traditions and geographical location.
One has the option of wearing a variety of team gear, and if traveling as a family unit…
it is advised that all participants should be in your favorite game day wear, to include infants and or pets.

The Wrong Way…
I was going to use this opportunity to address appropriate game day clothing but as we all know nearly everyone north of the Ohio River dresses like Nanok of the North on college football game days and the boys aren’t distinguishable from the girls; which is sad and disgusting.

When it comes to painting ones face or body it is vitally import that your celebration of your team blends appropriately with your apparel.
It is also important, even as students, that you understand not only “how to spell” the name of your university or mascot, but that someone in the group is in charge to place people in the appropriate locations.
Below is an example of how “Not” to do it.

GETTING TO THE STADIUM

The Right Way….
Decorating your vehicle with window flags and car magnets of your favorite college football team will announce your loyalties to passer bys and identify you as a supporter of your college team once you arrive on campus.

The Wrong Way….
Rainbow colored flags and other “diversity memorabilia”, to include “Make Peace NOT War” bumper stickers on your vehicle will send the wrong message even if you are from Los Angeles. Additionally, as a safety tip: This type of arrival to a college football game could result in an ass kicking in the following areas: Nebraska, Texas (anywhere), Clemson or anywhere in the Southeastern Conference.

ARRIVING AT THE STADIUM (PARKING)

The Right Way….
Once you are on campus, it is acceptable and permissible to play your teams fight song as loud as you can stand it and or honk the horn at other fans of equal standing in their love and devotion of the institution for which you support.

The Wrong Way….
Playing Celine Dion and or the theme from Titanic however is unacceptable, even if you are a “cultured” Southern California fan.
If you fall into this category please refer to “Safety Tip on Getting to the Stadium”

ON CAMPUS EXPERIENCE

The Right Way….
Vendors of all sorts should be available selling t-shirts to top hats of the home team’s logo and school colors.
A variety of food and drink should be available along with musical entertainment provided by the college marching band and
the appearance of the team’s cheerleaders, when applicable, always gets the crowd motivated.
Also, this is an excellent time to catch with old friends and acquaintances and discuss the upcoming game and a good time should be had by all.

Case in Point
The University of Texas

The Wrong Way….
If your college campus on game day resembles a party at Elton John’s house you may want to consider switching your affiliations.

Case in Point….
The University of Southern California Trojans

TAILGATING

The Right Way….
Tailgating is an art form that may take years to perfect.
Case in point, it is not uncommon for LSU Tiger Fans to begin tailgating the Monday or Tuesday before the game on Saturday night.
Tents and flags and grills of all shapes and sizes abound, with smoke bellowing for miles with the smell of the contents of the smoking beasts enough to make a vegetarian change their minds.
There is never a shortage of fine food and drink for Tiger fans or fans of opposing teams that happen to pass by.
One will frequently hear “Hey Fightn’ Tigers” and other LSU Favorites from loud speakers. Beer, wine and Bourbon are severed abundantly.

Another way to tailgate you might want to consider is when there is a navigable body of water close by your team’s stadium.
As an example; The Tennessee Volunteer fans boast of the “Vol Navy” with the Tennessee River flowing by Neyland Stadium.
This consist of a large number of intoxicated Tennessee fans in a variety of cut off jeans, overalls and other assorted Tennessee specific game day wear….
riding in Inner tubes and old bathtubs floating in a procession down the Tennessee river to “dock” near the stadium.

The Wrong Way…
Anything requiring the use of a microwave, other than popcorn or Velveeta is simply unacceptable.
Also, it’s important to understand the philosophy behind tailgating in general.
That being said an animal of some type needs to be sacrificed to provide an acceptable tailgating experience.
Be it beef, fowl, pork or reptile or any combination thereof must be cooked.
Not only is this ancient art of cooking meat outdoors delectable, but this also prevents our hallowed traditions from being trampled on by vegans, vegetarians and Muslims.

COLLEGE MARCHING BANDS

The Right Way….
Few College Marching Bands are as proud as TBDBITL….
That acronym stands for The Ohio State University’s Marching Band
“The Best Damn Band in the Land”
They certainly live up to the hype and you would be hard pressed to find a better college marching band anywhere in the country.

Certainly there are other great college marching bands, too many to mention in this short space.
But it is important to remember the premier college marching bands are precise in their movements, sound magnificent, have the ability to play a variety of classics and modern favorites and wear traditional uniforms with their school colors.

It is also worth mentioning the members of the college marching bands spend more time practicing for a performance that the actual athletic teams do on a normal basis.
So it is important to honor those young people and cheer for them as well.

The Wrong Way….
If your college marching band resembles the Salvation Army Homeless Band like Stanford’s or have uniforms that looked they were designed by a group of Meth Heads such as the Oregon Duck band, then perhaps you should skip the opening ceremonies as well as the half time festivities.

FLAG GIRLS & MAJORETTES

The Right Way….
Let me explain this in a way I hope you will all understand.
Simply Put: If you are a male living in the United States of America and you are between the ages of six and ninety years of age and you don’t find the Golden Girls from LSU or the University of Alabama Crimonettes attractive then you are gay.
Mystery solved no need to thank me.

The Wrong Way….
If your Flag Girls and or Majorettes are larger than the offensive or defensive lineman on your football team, then you have the wrong people in the wrong positions.

Noted Examples to the above:
Maine Bears, Michigan Wolverines, Notre Dame and the entire Ivy League

CHEERLEADERS

The Right Way….
They should be enthusiastic, attractive and have traditional uniforms and most importantly know and understand the cheers by heart.

Example: Alabama, Clemson, Florida, LSU, Texas, Penn State, Washington, Texas A&M

The Wrong Way….
This illustrated example is the opposite of the above description in regards to understanding “How to Cheer”

COLLEGE FOOTBALL COMMENTATORS

The Right Way….
Two Words: Keith Jackson
He is the voice of college football, always has been always will be.
He was never intrusive, always insightful and called it like he saw it without guile, prejudice or criticism.
There has never been anyone better – period.

Lee Corso: God Bless you coach, Saturday’s wouldn’t be the same without you.

Lou Holtz: Despite your constant spitting on Mark May every time you speak in the ESPN studio
(which I personally derive a great deal of enjoyment from)
I admire your insight and humor and telling it like it is attitude.

The Wrong Way….
Where to begin…..

Pam Ward with ESPN: Her voice is used to elicit confessions at Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay and has been called “cruel and unusual punishment” by Amnesty International.

Spencer Tillman: I loved him when he played at Oklahoma, but currently he wears more makeup than Little Richard.

John Saunders: His prejudice against all things Southern is only outweighed by his lack of knowledge of college football.
And that’s saying something….

Vern Lundquist and Gary Danielson: The syphilitic troll and his one-sided master of the obvious sidekick would make a deaf man’s ears bleed.

Brent Musburger: I will let Brent speak for himself in this section.
Here is quote from Brent on an Alabama Crimson Tide game during the 2007 season.

“The folks in Alabama are paying Nick Saban a lot of money folks; it doesn’t look like they are getting their money’s worth, does it.”

EDITORS NOTE: Two undefeated regular seasons, a Heisman Trophy winner and a National Championship later
I think it’s apparent that Brent is a complete Dumbass.

Archie Manning: He cannot string two sentences together without referencing his two children playing in the NFL.
WE GET IT JACKASS!
YOUR KIDS PLAY IN THE N-F-L! NOW SHUT THE HELL UP!

ESPN’s Mark May: His cousin must own stock in ESPN, because this gibbering idiot couldn’t get a job anywhere else.

Bob Griese: Do you know how you can tell when Bob is going to say something stupid?
His lips are moving.

ESPN’s Desmond Howard: If he was actually able to but a simple sentence together during a telecast I would be amazed.
This may explain how he graduated from the University of Michigan with a degree in “Public Speaking”.

ESPN’s Wendi Nix: She is dumber than a sack of horse turds and wears more makeup than Tammy Faye Baker.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL REFEREES

The Right Way….
It is important for college football referees and replay officials to be fair and honest in their appraisals of each play.
This comes through constant training and education as well as review of each game by conference officials.
The conferences will constantly grade and evaluate the professionalism and effectiveness of the individuals in this field and suspend or relieve those referees that are ineffective or incompetent, because accountability is the key to the integrity of the game.
The conferences will also ensure the individuals responsible for the conduct of the games are properly vetted through a process similar to background checks for security clearances.
This is important to ensure, unlike the NBA, that referees are above reproach and not susceptible to bribes or other enticements to sway their opinions during the course of a game.

The Wrong Way….
Currently the above is not being done in any conference in the country and despite the never ending NCAA witch hunts from textbooks to college parties;
they aren’t interested in ensuring accountability from the referees either.
Hence the problem….

TRADITIONAL PRE-GAME KICK OFF CHANTS

The Right Way…
Prior to kickoff the home crowd, as well as visitors will stand on their feet and as the ball is struck by the kicker to send the ball down the field the following is either performed or yelled by the home crowd.

Marshall: Thirty Thousand Thundering Herd fans will shout in unison “We Are Marshall!” as the ball is kicked down the field.

Florida: Ninety Thousand Gator fans will perform the famous “Gator Chomp” as kickoff ensues.

Arkansas: Eighty Thousand Razorback Fans adorned in “Hog Wear”
will shout before kickoff “Whoooooooo…” and then as the ball is struck they will yell “Pigs!”
and then quickly there after as the ball is sailing down the field “Sooieeeeeee”.

The Wrong Way…

Duke: Nearly half a dozen Blue Devil fans will shout “O Hell here we go again!” as the ball is kicked down the field.

Washington State: Prior to kickoff, almost two dozen fans of the Mighty Cougars will cover their heads with paper bags and wish silently that they were Washington Huskies Fans.

Indiana: At the opening kickoff nearly a hundred Hoosier fans will shout “What the Hell is a Hoosier?”

FIGHT SONGS

The Right Way….
There are too many outstanding college fight songs to mention here.
The great traditional fight songs we know by heart and they stir the emotions of the crowd and raise Goosebumps and bring a tear to the eye of many alumni and fan.

The Eyes of Texas..

Yea Alabama….

Hey Fightn’ Tigers….

The Aggie War Hymn…

The Wrong Way….
Simply put, if the fight song in question is either to confusing or doesn’t have any references to victory or storming down the field or in some cases is rather depressing or encourages dangerous behavior, then it is less than effective in encouraging the fans.

Case in point…..
The University of Tennessee marching band used to play “Down the Field” which has references to loyalty to the football team, cheering and fighting for the Volunteers of Tennessee.

Then for reasons I cannot comprehend, the University of Tennessee began playing “Rocky Top” like a broken Jukebox with one record. The song has nothing to do with football or the University of Tennessee but does talk about such intriguing topics as:

“Ain’t no smoggy smoke on Rocky Top, Ain’t no telephone bills, Once I had a girl on Rocky Top, half bear, the other half cat, wild as a mink, but sweet as soda pop. I still dream about that”

EDITORS NOTE: If you get excited about a “fight song” that brags about the fact you don’t have electricity or telephones
and the best looking women in your area are mutants, then perhaps you need another “fight song”.

Another noted example in this section comes from Texas A& I and their fight song “Jalisco”. For your reading pleasure is the first stanza:

“Ay, Jalisco, Jalisco
Jalisco tu tienes
Tu novia
Que es Guadalajara
Muchacha bonita
La peria mas rara
De todo Jalisco
Es mi Guadalajara”

EDITORS NOTE: If your fight song isn’t in English, then you shouldn’t be allowed to play football. Enough said….

MASCOTS

The Right Way….
There are a number of Great College Mascots…
You know who there are…..
Their very presence sends the crowd into frenzy.
College football fans will line up for hours to have a picture taken with their mascot.
There is…..

UGA the English Bulldog from the University of Georgia

BEVO the Texas Longhorn from the University of Texas

Mike the Tiger from Louisiana State University

The Wrong Way…
There are too many to mention here…
But suffice to say if the mascot in question doesn’t represent the university nickname then often times it is confusing to the fans
and thus becomes more of a distraction than a motivational tool.

Noted examples to this section…

Indiana University: Since know one knows what the hell a Hoosier actually is this becomes a constant point of friction with fans asking themselves “What are we?”

University of Oregon: The Ducks used to have a mascot that resembled Disney’s Donald Duck dressed in the green and white of Oregon and he was quite the fan favorite.

Since the university administration sold their soul’s to NIKE for sponsorships they have opted to allow NIKE to design their mascot uniform which changes from year to year, much like their university football teams uniforms.

Currently the Oregon Duck mascot looks like the offspring of a gay Mister Peanut and a Raptor than a Duck.

Congratulations…

Purdue University: Despite the fact Purdue Pete scares small children and frightens the elderly with his large and cumbersome bulbous head and has a face that looks like the lead character in “Mask”, it is nice to know that he has returned to the dating scene.

WHEN VIEWING THE GAME AT HOME

The Right Way….
You are encouraged to decorate your house (inside as well as outside)
with various adornments to include university flags etc.
One should be wearing university colors and logos, this goes for significant others in the household and children as well.

The following is also encouraged on game day at your home or residence:

It’s important to establish “healthy boundaries” for you and your guests on College Football Game Days.
This will further enhance the experience for you as well as your guests and provide a warm and comfortable environment to enjoy the festivities.
Opposing fans visiting your household should be treated as honored guests and be allowed to partake of food and drink at their hearts desire, until such time as they begin trash talking about the level of competency of your team and then it’s permissible to tell them to “Grab their #hit and get the hell out of your house” even if it is your local pastor.

If you’re next door neighbor, with whom you have a wonderful relationship with, is a fan or supporter of your arch rival.
Then it is permissible on college football game day to give any member of that particular family the preverbal middle finger while exchanging pleasantries when retrieving the morning paper.

The verbal exchange may go something like this:

Tim: Nice day isn’t it Joe?

Joe: Up yours Timmy! I hope your family contracts cholera!

EDITORS NOTE:
This exchange is permissible on College Football Game day as long as he is a fan of your arch rival, even if the neighbor in question is your local pastor.

It is also permissible to scream at the television set knowing full well that no one on the other end can hear you or grasp your jesters.
Please inform your guests that you are aware of this fact and please remind them if they mention this fact more than once in an effort to elicit humor, then you are obligated to tell them to “Grab their #hit and get the hell out of your house” even if it is your local pastor.

The only person allowed to touch or operate the remote control is the one or possibly two adult collegiate football fans living in the household.
Permission may be grated on a game by game basis to adult friends, neighbors, family members etc. but only with permission.
If your dear friend’s wife who couldn’t spell football if you spotted her the “O’s” and the “L”’s” attempts to commandeer the remote control because she is either bored or “wants to see what’s on CNN”, it is permissible, without consulting her significant other, to break her arm, especially if it’s fourth and goal from the one yard line.

Additionally, the household should resemble a tailgate party on steroids
(Please see Tailgating section above for further amplification)

EDITORS NOTES:
It is important to note if you live or plan to move to Morgantown West Virginia that following a “Win” by the Mighty Mountaineers of West Virginia it is excepted that you and your family will take a piece of furniture from your house, preferably a couch and light it on fire in the front yard.

It is my understanding that if you and your family choose “not” to take part in this Mountaineer ritual in Morgantown the West Virginia faithful will perform the ritual for you using whatever possessions of yours they deem appropriate.

The Wrong Way…
Having a variety of games for children on college game day at one’s house is encouraged; it prevents them from distracting you and your guests from the college football game.
However, providing alcohol to children is forbidden and illegal unless you live in the following states or territories:
West Virginia – Minnesota – South Dakota – Pennsylvania – Arkansas – Oklahoma – Tennessee and Puerto Rico

Additionally, not having snacks while preparing your tailgating experience and during the game itself will identify you as an amateur college football fan.
Do not let your personal income be a deterrent to a positive college football game day experience.
If one can only afford a bag of Cheeto’s and a twelve pack of beer, then that should be shared and no one will think any worse of you.
In fact, I have on good authority that is considered “Thanksgiving” for most Illinois Fighting Pumpkins and Indiana Hoosier fans.

I hope this will enhance your College Football experience in 2010

PRE-SEASON PROGNOSTICATIONS & OBSERVATIONS

This season the Michigan Wolverines will fail to qualify for a bowl game (again)

But the Michigan State Spartans will…..

In November of this year the National Geographic Society…..
Will discover that Wynonna Judd is actually a Triceratops.

Good News Fighting Irish Fans! You will qualify for a Bowl game this year….
The Boudreaux Butt Paste Bowl in Tupelo Mississippi (It’s very prestigious)

There will not be an undefeated Southeastern Conference Champion this year…

The University of Southern California Trojans will not be going to a bowl game this year, no wait.
They can’t go any way, right? Never mind.

Brent Musburger and Vern Lundquist will vie for the coveted title of “Biggest Dumbass in American Sports Casting.”
Currently they are neck and neck in the contest;…
No wait, I just remembered Vern doesn’t have a neck.
So another unit of measure will need to be determined.
More on this later.

A referee and his crew will blow a call and a possession in the same game.

EDITORS NOTE: I have two words for you – PENN WAGERS.

This season LSU Tiger Coach Les Miles will say something positively ridiculous and then promptly defend it.

EDITORS NOTE: If you count what Les Miles said at the Southeastern Conference Media Days last month, then my prediction has already come to pass.

“I think anybody that enjoys competition enjoys playing best teams. In the Western Division, we have it.”

Les Miles – SEC Media Days July 23rd 2010

Arkansas Coach Houston Nutt will deny any wrong doing of any kind in anything related to anything he has ever been associated with or thought he was associated with.

Sometime this year the Evergreen State Geoduck mascot will make someone throw up when they see it for the first time.

The Tebow-less Florida Gators will be a lot stronger than you might think

The Texas Longhorns (See Above and substitute Tebow-less with McCoy-less)

The Miami Hurricanes will have the opportunity to prove if they are for real when they visit the Big Horseshoe and the Mighty Ohio State Buckeyes on September 11th

The Boise State Bronco’s will not finish the 2010 college football season undefeated.

But the Horned Frogs of Texas Christian might….
If they get by the Beavers of Oregon State on September 4th.

My Mighty Southern Methodist University Mustangs will return to a Bowl game again this year. Believe it.

Early in the season Coach Rich Rod of Michigan will attempt to divert the hostile Ann Arbor sports media by deferring questions to a Sock Monkey during post game news conferences.

EDITORS NOTE: I have on good authority the Sock Money even wears a ball with a big “M” on it, which is nice.

Speaking of the “First Family of Wolverine Football”…..
Coach Rich Rod’s wife, Rita will have an exhibit named after her in the Natural Science Museum and Exhibit Hall in Ann Arbor this year.
It is my understanding they have named a new species of dinosaur after her and the artist rendition of the creature will be on display through the coming football season.
It’s called a “Skank-a- Saurus”

EDITORS NOTE: Who knew dinosaurs had bleach blond hair, wore nine inch clear plastic stripper shoes and had their makeup done at Earl Shive?
Isn’t science fascinating?

The Duke Blue Devils will still have more students watching basketball practice than attend home football games, which is sad.

“Coach” Bill Curry will habitually read “The Little Engine That Could” to his Georgia State Panther players each night…
until his ass whipping of biblical proportions at the hands of the Alabama Crimson Tide on Thursday November 18th.
Then he will resign as head coach, return to ESPN as a commentator and bitch and whine about the University of Alabama for another ten years.

Sometime in late November some damn school that plays in the Earl Hoffenheimer Conference will have an undefeated season and lay claim to a shot at the National Championship because they defeated Chow Lings Nail and Beauty Salon Academy by three points.

The American Medical Association will determine that ESPN Commentator Pam Ward’s voice will be the leading cause of suicide between the months of September and December.

Webster’s Dictionary will add an additional example to the definition of “irony” in 2010.
The example will read in part: “Irony” is Lane Kiffin accusing other universities of cheating while having the NCAA investigating his conduct and actions at the university he left after one year and takes a position at a university on probation for violating NCAA rules.

ESPN studio commentator and former coach Lou Holtz will continue to sound like Sylvester the Cat and Mark May will continue to make sounds like a mule caught in a thicket when describing his undying love of the University of Southern California.

Before December of this year, “coach” Bobby Bowden will be found wandering across the Seminole practice field wearing only his FSU Vietcong hat in search of Chief Osceola, whom he went to school with in 1824.

Penn State Coach Joe Paterno will harness the power of the sun utilizing his reading glasses, thus ending the energy crisis and creating in the process 200, 000 new green energy jobs.

Former Tennessee Volunteer coach Phil Fulmer will attempt to introduce the “Bear Claw Consumption Competition” into the 2010 London Olympic Games, sponsored by Krispy Kreme. Sadly he will be denied the opportunity to “Bring home the Gold” and in a caloric rage eat the reining men’s hot dog eating champion.

QUOTES FROM YESTERDAY

FAMOUS COACH’S QUOTE“With the little bits of information that I have, no, I’m not worried about that one bit. I’m more concerned about helping the process and cooperating to make sure that everything comes to the front. I’m confident that’s not where this is going.” …

In an interview on May 2, 2006 with USA Today and the Associated Press, Coach Pete Carroll of U$C talks about the possibility of U$C forfeiting games or being hit with NCAA sanctions.

EDITORS NOTE: Looking back on it that seems kind of funny, doesn’t it?

SEVEN QUESTIONS WITH….

Before our beloved college football season begins we will interview the “former” athletic director Damon Evans of the University of Georgia in our “Seven Questions Segment” to give him a platform to explain his actions and subsequent dismissal from the University of Georgia.

Q: Mr. Evans what have you been doing since you stepped down as the athletic director of the University of Georgia?

A: I prefer to be called “Pimp Daddy D” or just “D Yo”

Q: What? Ah O.K.
Anyway, how would you describe your tenure as Georgia’s Athletic Director and what transpired, in your own words, that caused you to leave such a top tier athletic program.

A: Pimpn’ ain’t easy

Q: That doesn’t make any sense. O.k. never mind, let me rephrase the question.
There are a number of reports that portrays you in a rather unflattering light. They describe a number of embarrassing circumstances and even more embarrassing personal conduct by you.
Would you care to elaborate on this matter?

A: Knick Knack Paddy Wack give a Dawg a bone!

Q: What the hell does that even mean?

A: Word to your mother

Q: Ok. Let’s stay focused shall we?
This is your opportunity to explain what you were doing and the circumstances surrounding the incident that resulted in your dismissal as the Athletic Director of the University of Georgia.
Specifically; let’s talk about when you were pulled over by the police in the company of an underage intoxicated woman, wearing a pair of woman’s underwear on your head while presumably intoxicated yourself. To say nothing of the reported crying jag to the police officers all the while screaming “Do you know who I am?”

A: I was just Keep’n it Real G

Q: Is that the theme from Shaft playing in the background and are those “crunk teeth” in your mouth?

A: Word up

Q: Mr. Evans, I have one last question: are you retarded?

A: Foshizzeel my mizzel.

EDITORS NOTE: Maybe Damon Evans should have taken his own advice here…

Click here to view the embedded video.

PRESEASON QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
I don’t know if you are “really back” yet or not, but I need your advice desperately.
I have a terrible secret I have been withholding from my family.
I grew up in a loving family outside of London, Ohio and somehow I lost my way.
I moved to California and there I fell into intravenous drug use and became a gay prostitute and changed my name to Dirk Hershey.
I have appeared in some horrible, vile and disgusting movies under that name.
I have stolen money from “customers”, passed out in alleys after week long drug beiges and been involved in sexual acts that would make the strongest person retch.
But my question is this:
How do I tell my family I have become a Michigan Wolverine fan?
Danny aka “Dirk” – San Francisco, California

A: If I were you Danny, I would keep that piece of bad news to myself.

Q: Hello Wizard Man!
You filthy infidel! We know who you are!
We declare Jihad on you Mister Wizard!
Jihad! Jihad! Jihad!
You die soon by our Jihad!
Mohammad Ali Abdul – Los Angeles, California

A: Jihad Me at Hello disgruntled Trojan fan.

Q: Dear Sir –
As mayor of beautiful Baneberry Tennessee, I would like to cordially invite you as our “Guest of Honor” for our annual Founder’s Day celebration on September 18th.
As you may know our town was founded by two brothers Bubba and Doodie Baneberry in 1836 when they were separated from Davey Crockett’s Tennesseans heading to the Alamo and instead choose to get drunk on apple cider that had “turned” hard and shortly thereafter passed out near the river and missed the entire historical moment in San Antonio.
The founding fathers thought “Baneberry” sounded better than naming the town Bubba, or God forbid “Doodie”, hence the town of Baneberry was born.
None the less, after careful consideration the city council and I have voted to invite you, despite you being an Alabama Fan, to our Founder’s Day celebration for all your hard work to promote our beautiful city.
Also, we didn’t want to invite Hootie Snitch for fear he would show up all liquored up and insist on wearing chaps and a cowboy hat (again) on the Founders Day float so it was addition by subtraction, if you know what we mean.
Sincerely
Mayor Mike Summers
521 Harrison Ferry Road
Baneberry, TN 37890

A: I am temporarily indisposed with another engagement at the time or I would be all over it.

Q: Mister CFB Wizard I have a question for you.
As a lifelong Michigan Wolverine I don’t need to tell you the last few years have been very painful.
With that being said, what will it take for the Wolverines to go Bowling this year?
Thanks!
Steve – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Steve, I guarantee you the Wolverines will go Bowling this year!
But they need to make reservations early at the Bel-Mark Lanes in Ann Arbor or they may not get a lane.
I hear the month of December is reserved for leagues.
So, you will need to make reservations sorry.

Q: Hey There!
Mr. Wizard you remind me of that fellow Genius Kahn who invented Mongolian Barbeque.
He sure was smart!
I believe he was a military man too, but anyway I got me a question.
What are the chances of Auburn winning the damn National Championship this year?
Billy – Opelika, Alabama

A: Well Billy thank you for the compliment, I think.
But to answer your question I would say the Tigers have the same odds of winning the championship as Michigan does of going to a Bowl game.

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard –
I was wondering if you would help promote my latest venture;
My Tribute to William Shatner by singing some of his lesser known songs as well as singing the theme from T. J. Hooker while dressed as TJ Hooker!
Does that not sound fabulous?
So what do you think?
Thanks!
Jack McCracken – Cincinnati, Ohio

A: I think you need to be medicated Jack, a lot.

Q: Dear Sir –
As Chief of the Wall-a-ka Indian Nation and Casinos I am extremely disappointed in your support of collegiate “Indian” mascots. The usage of the term “Indian” alone is hurtful and insensitive, not to mention the other more harmful terms associated with Native Americans, such as “tribe” or “moccasins”. These names conjure up images of savages and worse, of a culture that is illiterate, ignorant, superstitious and lacking any social structure.
Perhaps if you were to spend some time learning our rich and unique culture you would have a better understanding of our sensitivity on this volatile issue.
Please take the time to visit us in the next few months we are located right off of Interstate 29 near Watertown North Dakota. Look for the “Big Wampum Casino” sign and don’t forget our duty free shops and the “Scalp Em Water Park” conveniently located next to the casino.
“Chu-na-La-Nu-say”
Chief Charlie Waka-Saw IV

A: If my Native American language skills are correct, I believe the above quote translated means: “A pony urinated on my new moccasins.”
But that aside; Sir, if you are indeed “SAW IV”, then I would like my money back please.

Q: All Alabama Fans Suck! They were not the best team last year and you know it!
As far as the National Chump-in-ships they all claim, that is bogus too!
Face it, they live in a dirt poor state with a bunch of inbred idiots who have nothing better to do than follow a second rate school and third tier football program.
Anonymous – Boise, Idaho

A: I’m sorry the glare from the 2009 National Championship trophy was reflecting off of Mark Ingram’s Heisman Trophy and it was preventing me from reading your question.
What were you trying to say again?

Q: We is still mad as hell at that damn Lame Kitten for leaving us Tennessee Volunteers!
Now he done and got the NCAA crawling around a looking at us!
We gave him everything he ever wanted!
Why the hell would anybody ever want to leave Rocky Top?
I ask you!
Thelma and Joe – Dyllis, Tennessee

A: It might be the wet dog food smell from the Purina plant that drifts across the city, but that’s just a guess.

Q: Dear sir despite your distain for all things Ivy League, I am obligated to ask who you think is the favorite to win the coveted Ivy League Crown this year?
Will it be Princeton, Harvard or fair Yale?
Reginald – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: I could name a dozen high schools around the country that could “win” the Ivy League crown, that’s what I think.

Q: Hey There!
I am a former coach and currently live in the Garnet and Gold Retirement home here in beautiful Tallahassee Florida. I was kind of forced into retirement by someone I thought was a friend, but then snookered me into retirement and I am still a little sore about it, not as sore as these new pants my grandkids bought me for my birthday though, they bind me in the crotch and it makes me walk funny.
Anyway you seem to know a lot about different things about college football, like the time you wrote about NCAA President Myles Brand and that Hootie Snitch guy you have on the website is really funny too. Wait, what was I saying? O’ Yeah, so there is this “other” coach (who I won’t name, but let’s call him “Joe”, that is still coaching and he is even older than me, I think he’s like a hundred years old or something. So, why can’t I still coach when Mister Thick Glasses is allowed to coach? His glasses are kind of funny too. Except when he uses them to blind you on the other sidelines! I mean they are that thick!
I forgot what I was saying.
Hobby Howden – Tallahassee, Florida

A: Bobby, you are rambling again.

Q: Mister Wizard I live in Ann Arbor Michigan and I recently saw Coach Rod’s wife Rita at a local Michigan “Maze and Blue” Alumni function and although I was some distance from her, I would have to say you are incorrect in your description of Rita.
She seems to be very attractive from a distance.
Roy – Grand Rapids, Michigan

A: By distance do you mean over a mile?
Get a new prescription for your glasses because up close that woman could stop a watch.

There will be more on the wire tomorrow…..
with the second installment of the Preseason College Football Extravaganza
To include Conference Champions and more of what you have come to expect from your Favorite College Football Prognosticator
So stay tuned…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

I know many of you are in the post Christmas wrap-up…
No pun intended

And I know…..

It’s difficult to keep up with the myriad of College Bowl games this year.

But this is no time to start taking laps around the anxiety pool.

We will start with a few email Questions and Answers….
Just to lower the stress level of the Post-Christmas season….

Then we will discuss the list of “Lesser Known” Bowl Games of 2009

But before we get to it….

I hope you enjoy
Your hideous tie from Aunt Martha and remember that “she can’t help it”

Please don’t complain about the gift from Uncle Todd either
Since he was in that weed eater accident that boy hasn’t been the same.

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas

Enjoy!

POST CHRISTMAS EMAIL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: OMG Mister Wizard!
Even though you don’t like him….(Frown Face!)
I heard Kenny Chesney was playing Santa Claus at the Music City Bowl!
OMG I am so excited!
Is that true?
Trudy – Franklin, Tennessee

A: I think you got your facts wrong here Trudy
Kenny Chesney is “not” going to play Santa Claus”….
He is “coming out of the closet”…..
Which is two entirely different things Trudy

Q: I don’t give a tinker’s damn if you publish this and Italian size the whole thing!
You need to stop making fun of Coach Phil Fulmer!
I seen him in that movie “Blind Side” and I think he is a going to get one of them Academy Awards!
I think it’s good too that the movie showed how he tried to turn Ole Miss in to the NCAA for recruiting violations!
Everybody knows Coach Phil kept everything clean in the SEC
That was before that cheating Urban what’s his Gator ass moved in at Gainesville.
So lay off Coach Fulmer and quit calling him Fat!
GO VOLS!
Rita Sue – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: May I assume Rita Sue you meant…
“Italicize”
But that aside, let me say this…
Saying “coach” Phil Fulmer isn’t fat is like saying
Siegfried and Roy are just “a little bit” gay.

In reference to the movie the “Blindside”

I guess Hootie Snitch has been right all along….
Phil Fulmer is part Snitch and Rat.

Q: Yo wiz,
Maaaaaaaan, my bro Nu’keese be gettin a bad rap all over bout that armed robbery thang up at Tenn’see a few week ago.
I’m a pimp & grew up down here to Apopka & a brotha needs to survive, you know?
I got Nu-key all hooked up wit bling & stuff & then he goes up to Tenn’see to play football & ole boy aint got no bling no mo’.
Well a brothas gotta do what a brothas gotta do. Heck, even the crackers sittin in that car was all good when they found out who it was.
So ya’ll all need to cut my baby brotha some slack.
Keepin it real and Happy Kwanzza to all my peeps
Nu’keenan Richardson
Inmate #5625433
Cellblock 10
Fla State Penitentiary

A: Honestly, I didn’t understand a damn thing you just said.

Q: Sir,
It is becoming apparent, based on the unjust scrutiny of the media, that my football team, the USC Trojans are once again being singled out and targeted by the elitist media.
I mean, c’mon, all this attention over a kid who is simply driving around in a “used” luxury vehicle.
Jeez, I wouldn’t be caught dead in something that old.
And although the payments are $500 a month, it has full collision insurance coverage, and she attends full time a somewhat pricey University of Southern California,
Mr McKnight’s girlfriend can comfortably afford this on her salary as a secretary for Scott Schenter and his many honorable business ventures.
So what if this young lady allows her “baby daddy” to drive this car on occasion to go to and from practice?
In the vernacular of our hip athletes, “Baby Daddy need a pimped out ride, too!!”
I would just like to point out that the USC athletics department adheres to the very spirit and intent of the NCAA’s rules and bylaws.
We’re not one of those Southern universities.
I mean, Mr McKnight never went fishing illegally, or cheated on tests, or sold text books.
He innocently drove a vehicle owned by a questionable individual who graduated from the University of Washington and supports USC.
Couple this with your incessant badgering of one of our highly regarded alumni, Reggie Bush, and you can see that there is undue scrutiny on our program.
So, with that in mind and the fact that WE feel no violations have occurred, we don’t think this needs to be self reported. But, we will look really hard at future escapades should they occur.
Respectfully,
Coach Pete Carroll
University of Southern California

A: Ah I always love to hear from Coach Cheat Carroll and his “squeaky” clean program.

But unfortunately the only people that buy your story….
Is the NCAA “investigators”

Q: Here in Cincinnati we are angry.
Coach Brian Kelly is a liar and a traitor
What’s the big deal about South Bend anyway?
You want to know the truth, here you go….
Notre Dame verses the rest of Division I
Yes, this rivalry dates back for as long as one can remember.
From the smug, self righteous, holier than thou attitude of the institution to the self negotiated TV contract with NBC.
From the indignant and obnoxious fans to the Talking heads of sports who annually proclaim Notre Dame is back……
After they open the season with a couple of wins over cupcakes and get beat by U$C by “only” a few points, EVERYBODY loves to see the Irish get beat…. Yes, even humiliated.
With Gerry Faust, Coach Ty, and, Charlie Weiss at the helm the satisfaction of watching Notre Dame fall to lower tier Div I schools & service academies has been more than satisfying.
And let’s hope the current trend continues with that sack of lying monkey crap Brian Kelly.
Troy – Cincinnati, Ohio

A: Let the anger go Troy……
You live in a city with “Great” chili
And….
He will get what’s coming to him….
I promise…

Q: Welcome to Candy Land!
I Just Love starting my letters out like that!
First I want to say I am NOT gay, O.k.?
But the other day I was surfing the net looking for kola bears in funny costumes
And I discovered that Jimmy Clausen is secretly peddling Penis Enlargement Pills on his MySpace page.
After discovering the following link……… (http://www.myspace.com/jimmyclausen ),
Upon scrolling down the page, there is a letter from an “acquaintance” of Clausen’s named “Savannah”…..
Who describes an incident in which she discovered a boyfriend’s Male Enhancement paraphernalia stored in a shoe box under his bed.
What she was doing under “Joey’s” bed we will always wonder, but none the less…..
The letter appears to be a veiled ad for a product from a website titled JATCE.Com. Mr Clausen apparently endorses this product since the letter has been posted on his MySpace page since March 2007. I do not know if this product has benefitted Mr Clausen to date, but in a recent photo of Jimmy in a Speedo, which you posted…..
It is apparent by the Ken doll-like swimsuit he was wearing……
That it has had no effect.
Just thought you should know
Ricky – Long Island, New York

A: Poor Jimmy…..
Liike playing quarterback at Notre Dame wasn’t bad enough….

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
I don’t know if you heard….
But ESPN has decided to add to the annual trophy award list this year.
Due to Florida Quarterback Tim Tebow’s departure from the NCAA College Football scene after this year…….
ESPN, in conjunction with Oscar Meyer and French’s Corporation will award the 1st annual “Tebow-Big Weiner” trophy annually to the top player in the country who has been overexposed, overhyped, and is thought to possibly have the ability to both part the red sea and stop deficit spending. Frank Bungerman, spokesperson for Oscar Meyer said that “no one in the country personifies the hype & hyperbole like Tim Tebow. I mean, greatest college football player in history? C’mon. But, the media has pulled this off like he were really Superman, Batman, and Obama all in one. That’s a media machine, baby.” Finalists for this years award include dark horse Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen who has engineered a 14-18 record and won the prestigious Co-MVP of the 2008 Hawaii Bowl and, of course, Lou Holz & Mark May darling, Tim Tebow, who has had more exposure and hype than anyone in the history of college football. Starting next November, there will be a link at ESPN for nominations for next year’s awards. Good luck to the nominees!!!
Sobby Sowden – Seminole Retirement Village
Tallahassee, Florida

A: Come on Coach Bobby…..
Is your “Golden Girls Gone Wild” tape stuck in the VHS recorder again?
Call one of those nice attendants at “the home” and they will dig it out for you…..
Isn’t it time for your nap?

Q: Question…..
Can you sing like a Duck if you were caught in a leg hold trap?
Dale – Conway, Arkansas

A: If you knew anything about me, you would know I hate the Oregon Ducks.

THE LIST OF LESSER KNOWN BOWL GAMES OF 2009

The Fleet Enema Bowl
Sponsored by Fleet Enemas and Colon Blow
Hershey Pennsylvania
This game is reserved for teams that blew it out their butt all year
Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Michigan Wolverines

The Cubic Zirconium Bowl
Sponsored by the Arab Mall Jewelers of America
Gypsum Nevada
The teams selected for this game are those teams……
That look really good when the season started but can’t cut glass when it really counts
Ole Miss Rebels and Florida State Seminoles

The Silicon Valley Bowl
Sponsored by Dolly Parton and Pamela Anderson
Los Angeles California
This prestigious bowl game selects their teams based on “Big” preseason expectations
Only to have them deflate half way through the season…
Southern California Trojans and Notre Dame Fighting Irish

The Flaming Possum Rectum Bowl
Sponsored by the Tennessee Department of Tourism
Baneberry Tennessee
The two teams selected for this game….
Are those teams with uniforms as bright as a baboon’s ass.
Oregon Ducks and Illinois Fighting Pumpkins

ACME Rocket Bowl
Sponsored by Coyote Ugly
Death Valley California
The teams selected for this bowl game
Are those teams that look good until you light them…
Then they blow up in your face….
Louisville Cardinals and Colorado Buffalos

The John Cameron Swayze Bowl
Sponsored by Timex
Piscataway New Jersey
As you might imagine the teams in this bowl game can’t seem to manage a game clock
LSU Fighting Tigers and Texas Longhorns

The HN 1 Bird Flu Bowl
Sponsored by Tyson Chicken
Little Rock Arkansas
The selection for this bowl game is done somewhat differently…
The teams selected for this game are done so on the basis of their hideous mascots.
Mascots that give the viewer the same symptoms as the dreaded Bird Flu
Evergreen State Geoducks and Stanford Cardinal

The Lamisil Toe Fungus Monster Bowl
Septic Tank New York
These teams hold the distinction of looking ugly and gross all year….
Just like that nasty toe fungus monster on the commercials….
Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Michigan Wolverines

More Later in the Week….
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

It’s Hootie Snitch!
The Number damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!

There has been a lot happening!

The Tennessee Vols is State Champions!

Hell Yeah!

Also I got some Big News about my brand damn new place “Snitch’s”
It’s in a previously owned double wide just off the bypass
Right here in Baneberry Tennessee…

It is freaking awesome!

I even got me some emails to answer too

And it wouldn’t be Christmas without a surprise now would it?
Ole Hootie got yawl a surprise that Alabama guy don’t know nothing about..

So kick off your shoes and make yourself at home…

TENNESSEE VOLS and the NCAA

So them damn Yankees don’t like the University of Tennessee having some “hostesses”?
You want to know why?
I am fixing to tell you
Cause all them gals up north…..
don’t shave their legs or arm pits and wear perfume that smells like bug repellent.
Not to mention they always have about ten layers of clothes on cause it’s always cold enough up there to freeze a brass monkey.
They is prejudice that we got all the good looking women down South.
That’s what it is….
So I say lets send them a bunch of them Lady Schick razors, a bushel basket of makeup
And some perfumes that don’t smell like cat urine and see if that don’t improve the scenery up there.

SNITCH’S BAR & GRILL

You might notice I put the “Bar and Grill” behind the name of my new place.
It sounds classy don’t it?
I did that because I got a “Bar” and I “grill” the best damn Possum wings in the county!
So it just kind of made sense.
Plus I ain’t got no “infringement” problems like I did with them Hooter’s people
Anyways….

I had the Grand Opening a few weeks ago and guess who showed up?
Go ahead and guess!
Guess again!
I’ll tell you!
Only the greatest Coach ever to wear an Orange!
Coach Phil Fulmer himself!
He showed up cause everybody knows he’s a Snitch…..
And I heard he was part Ratt on my momma’s side too!

Coach even helped us string some lights outside of the new place
And decorate our tree Christmas tree!

It’s awesome as hell ain’t it!

Coach Phil even “Volunteered” (get it!) to be the Santa at Snitch’s
Because folks coming in here to get their “Drink on” with their kids in tow, need something to keep them young’uns occupied.
But we had us an incident so that didn’t pan out…
This one kid come in with his momma, he was about six years old
He smelled like wet cotton candy and baloney….
And before I could say “Tennessee Volunteers are Number Damn One!”
Coach Phil had a hold of that little boy and was fixing to eat him….

I don’t blame Coach Phil; he’s got what they call a sugar condition.

But before I give you yawls Christmas Surprise…
I got do something for my partners in crime
This here is a picture of my two running partners Skeeter and Tater
Folks around here call us the “Three Amigo’s” and some people think them boys look like Brad Pitt and that Clooney fellow.
I figured it wouldn’t hurt to put a picture of them in here for Christmas.
That’s them taking a break on the front porch of Snitch’s when we was fixing it up
Merry Christmas Boys!

One more thing…
If any of yawl is still looking for that “special” gift for Christmas
Come on down to “Snitch’s” for some gift certificates!
I got certificates for Possum Wings and Barbequed Muskrat nuggets!
If yawl is wondering if my food is any good?
Look no further than the Baneberry Health Department
They come by and inspected my place and gave me a “D” for Delicious!

And don’t forget to check out the website of my favorite Gift Shop!
The International Tow Truck Hall of Fame Museum Hall of Fame and Gift Shop!

http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org/

If you is real lucky you might find a shirt like this one!

HOOTIE’S CHRISTMAS SURPRISE

I promised yawl a Christmas surprise and I bet you can’t guess what it is?
Go ahead and guess!
Guess again!
I’ll tell you!
At the “Grand Opening” of Snitch’s I invited everybody on my dating site
“Disharmony Dot Com”
And guess who showed up?
Bet you can’t guess?
The Sister-in-Law of the Alabama guy that writes this here column!
She rode down from Kentucky with some other gals and let me tell you something,,,
That gal has got the personality of a jackass eating briars!
But I done went and got a picture of her!

She told me she combs her back like that to cover them “calcium deposits”
And believe it or not…somewhere underneath all that hair is a tube top.

HOOTIES EMAIL

Q: Dear Sir –
My wife and I are traveling to Volunteer Country during Christmas to see the beauty of the Mountains,
and I have a question that I hope you can help us out with.
We understand that shouting “Ho Ho Ho!” has an entirely different meaning in Volunteer Country is that true?
We certainly wouldn’t want offend anyone.
The Dillon’s- Cincinnati, Ohio

A: You ain’t got to be all formal! Just call me Hootie…
Anyways….
I don’t know about offended anybody….
But if you come in the door of Snitch’s and shout “Ho Ho Ho!”
Every woman in the place will turn around….
I like to think of it as an ice breaker…

Q: Hey Hootie!
The Boys and I at the plant have a question for you.
Two questions actually.
One: Do you have a jute box in your new place?
Two: What kind of tunes do you have on it?
We are thinking about making a road trip to see you during the holidays!
Thanks!
The Boys – Winchester, Tennessee

A: Winchester Tennessee!
That’s Only the Hometown of Coach Phil Fulmer!
That place is like my “Graceland”!

Well Boys, I ain’t got a jute box yet, but it’s a coming..
So right now I got me a one of them CD Players from Wal Mart and
Somebody “burned” me a CD with four songs on it that I play religiously

1. Rocky Top (Hell Yeah!)
2. Jeremiah was a Bullfrog, by Three Dogs in the Night
3. Love Shack, by some group named after a plane in the Air Force
4. Stand By your Man by the Queen of Country Music Tammy Wynette

And I went and bought me a CD with them Dogs a Barking all the Christmas songs!

Yawl came on down I’ll be looking for you!

Q: We have had one whole season under our belt with the “new” Coach of Tennessee.
So what do you think Hootie?
Gerald “Jerry” – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: I’ll tell you Jerry…
That Lame Kitten has done a pretty good job, I mean..
We ain’t won the State Championship of Tennessee in a long time…
And we is going to a Bowl game…Which we hadn’t done for a while neither.
But I believe that was due to Coach Phil’s sugar condition is why we ain’t gone to one
I heard flying makes it act up.

Q: Dear Mister Snitch
At the risk of requiring therapy perhaps you can answer a question
And settle a bet we have in the office.
What do you want for Christmas this year?
Holly – Platte City, Missouri

A: Well Hello Miss Lady! And thank you for asking
I want what I asked for last year and the year before that….
To meet a deaf mute supermodel that owns her own chain of liquor stores..

Hope Yawl all have a very Merry Christmas and Kick Ass New Year!

Yawl come see me at Snitch’s, autographs are Free for the Ladies!

Hootie – Out!

Although this is your last regular weekly college football pick….
The season is far from over; we still have the 2009 Bowl Game Spectacular
And Your College Football Prognosticators end of the season Awards.
They are very prestigious.

The CFB Wizard Christmas “Special”

And somewhere between now and the end of the year
We will catch up with Hootie Snitch and get his “unique” perspective on college football.

So have no fear your stockings will not be empty this year…..

This past week I was 10 and 4 or 71%, but I won the most important game on my list.

For the 2009 season (minus the one game we have this week)
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 574 and 165 or a steady 78%

We will go “old school” in this week’s pick
The same format I used to have “back in the day”

There will be reader email questions and answers…..
Along with News from around the College Football World and the pick for the Army-Navy game.

It’s been a great ride this year, thank you all for coming along.

Enjoy!

TEAM NEWS

TENNESSEE: This week it was reported the NCAA is “investigating” the Volunteers for recruiting violations.
The charges revolve around the use of university “hostesses” in the recruiting process.
Notice I didn’t say “Hookers”…..
Because I have on good authority Coach Rich Rod’s wife wasn’t in Knoxville at the time of the alleged incidents.
But you want to know what I think, here you go…
Nobody and I mean NOBODY is harder on the Volunteers than yours truly.
So here is my solution to this vexing problem.
The member universities of the Southeastern Conference ask the NCAA and their team of talented “investigators”
about the status of the University of Southern California Trojan “investigation” into Reggie Bush.
We already know what the answer will be, don’t we?
So collectively and individually the universities tell the NCAA to kiss our Southern Ass until Coach Pete and the Trojans are punished, until then don’t let us catch one of your candy ass “investigators” on our campuses.
NCAA, you want to punish us? You might want to check with ABC Sports, CBS Sports and ESPN and ALL the folks paying that big money for commercial time on the major networks too.
And Until I hear or read about Coach Pete and the Trojans being punished;
I don’t want to hear a damn thing about the Volunteers “violations” of NCAA rules.

NOTRE DAME: This past week Charlie Weis was dismissed from the Fighting Irish
The national sports media descended on Charlie because he dared to allude to a “certain” Coach living in Malibu…..
With a grad student, without his wife’s knowledge.
Everybody jumped on board…
Some called Charlie “bitter” and some said he was
“Burning every bridge on the way out of South Bend”
Because, after all….
We can’t criticize Coach Pete, what is he now sixth in the PAC 10 Conference?
That Star-Kist Tuna Bowl is looking pretty sweet about now, am I right Coach Pete?

This just goes to show you how screwed up our Sports Media really is…
How about asking Coach Pete about the babe at the beach
If not that, how about asking him about the Reggie Bush investigation?

KANSAS: As you may have read, Coach Mark Mangino retired as the Jayhawks Football Coach.
Some have criticized him for the way he treated his players.
Others claimed he left because Kansas had a bad season.
The truth is, Coach Mark had nothing left to prove.
He won an Orange Bowl and he beat anorexia
Enough said..

FAT PHIL FUMER: It was reported this week that “Fat Phil Fulmer” is interested in the Notre Dame coaching job. But what was not reported was that Coach Phil went through his 6 million dollar golden handshake the University of Tennessee gave him to get his fat ass off Beacon Hill, by binging on Krispy Kreme Bear Claws and Jelly Donuts.

EDITORS NOTE: I am sure Notre Dame would be interested in Coach Phil,
If they wanted a paranoid liar and someone that would “work like heck” and didn’t mind his players raping underage mentally challenged girls in the Athletic dorm.

OREGON: I was going to try and say something positive here about the Quacks win in the annual Civil War.
But, I keep drawing a blank.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I was going to say something how asinine Coach Pete and the Trojans acted
when they scored on UCLA with 48 seconds left, but you all knew that already.
So instead, I will say this….
Seriously, no Shiite you all aren’t on NCAA probation yet?

CARSON NEWMAN: After Coach Spark’s Eagles beat the Mighty Lions of North Alabama,
I would have thought they were a lock for the Division II Championship.
That was until they got derailed by Grand Valley State…
Great season Eagles; see you all in Florence next year.

AP VOTERS: For the AP voters that voted Southern California “Number One” for the first three weeks of season, and continued to do your best to keep them hanging around the top ten until the Stanford Cardinal rode them like a rented tractor.
You should ALL be ashamed of yourselves.

FLORIDA: A lot has been said this past week about Tim Tebow
and it would be easy for me to jump on the bandwagon, but you expect more from me.
I respect a player that is passionate about winning and losing.
He is a Class act, nothing but class.

LOUISVILLE: I am glad Charlie Strong finally gets a shot at being a head coach on a big stage.
Not because he’s black, but because he is one hell of a damn football coach.
The Cardinals got a fine man and one great coach.
Congratulations
:
CLEMSON: The fact C. J. Spiller wasn’t invited to the Heisman Trophy ceremony is another illustrated example of how little the national sports writers really know about college football.

NCAA: Soooooooo When can we expect to hear something (anything) about the “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

FLORIDA STATE: Now that “Father Time” has retired from Seminole University, it’s Jimbo time in Tallahassee. When I read that again, it sounds like his tenure should come with a bag of peanuts.
Never mind…

MICHIGAN: I have some Good News for Wolverine Fans!
With the economy being what it is….
You don’t have to worry about traveling to a Bowl game (again) this year!
Think of the savings!
Glad I could help…

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Sir,
I just want to start this off by saying that I’m appalled by the accusation made by former Notre Dame Head Coach, Charlie Weis. It’s bad enough that this man cannot and will not simply exit gracefully from South Bend, but he also has to attempt to drag down and great man like University of Southern California Head Coach, Pete Carroll. I do want to set the record straight so all will not have the wrong impression. The “graduate” student in question is not a female, but, rather a young man near and dear to Pete’s heart. Attached is a photograph of the innocent victims as they stare longingly into one another’s eyes and share a passionate moment.
So, as you can see, if it’s a dude, he’s not really, technically “cheating” on his wife.
Jimmy – Long Beach, California

A: This explains Coach Pete’s love of Kenny Chesney records.

Q: Mr Wizard,
I am so disgusted with you and all of you media people making fun of my absolutely FAVORITE player, Tim Tebow. I just want you to know that if Tim Tebow was crying then there would have been flooding in Atlanta. Tim Tebow doesn’t do things like all of us normal people he does EVERYTHING better. If Tim Tebow wanted to win that game then my absolute FAVORITE football player would have made my absolute FAVORITE football team win about 55 to nothing. But he didn’t. And do you know why? CAUSE HE AINT SELFISH!!! He’s done won him a Heisman and a couple of National Championships and he wanted to share all his good fortune with them boys from Alabama. Did you see how he didn’t get that many yards running the ball? Did you see how he generously threw that ball to the Crimpson Tide fella in the end zone towards the end of the game? That proves it!!!
So LEAVE MY HEART THROB TIM TEBOW ALONE!!!
Go Gators FOREVER!!!
Tracy in Homassassa

A: Tracy don’t get your Daisy Dukes is a twist; Timmy is nothing but class in my book.

Q: Dear Sir,
As a loyal alumnus of the University of Tennessee, I must take issue with the recent reports from the New York Times and other media outlets regarding the Universities use of “Hostesses” to assist with the recruiting effort. Just for the record, these comely young ladies are as innocent and pure as the driven snow and represent the wholesomeness of the university. Further, these ladies voluntarily travel to various recruit’s home towns to represent our fine institution at their high school football games and also, greet and assist young men on their recruiting trips to Knoxville in satisfying their various needs. In no way is this a violation of any rules. Here is a recent photo of these fine young ladies in their greeting attire, dressed to impress, as they await another young recruit to arrive on the field at Rocky Top.
Beavis Bowers – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: My first thought….
You all need to get a dental school in Tennessee…

Q: Dear Sir,
I don’t know if you’ve heard about it or not, but there is a story out stating that Coach Mark Mangino verbally abused his players. Sir, I was one of those players and I come forward to you with this letter as additional proof of what an absolute brute that man is.
One day while I was moussing my hair, this overgrown orangutan came in and jostled me in the middle of combing and preening!! I mean, I spent over 20 minutes trying to get it just right and he hits my elbow and makes me mess up this masterpiece!! Then, he had the unmitigated gall to say, “Hey pretty-boy, you’re boyfriend waiting on you or something?” Well, needless to say, I was outraged. On another occasion, while in the dressing room, he came upon me from behind and popped me with my jock strap!! I stood there humiliated and red-faced while all my teammates laughed and giggled.
This degrading behavior will no longer be tolerated by me or friends on the team.
I told my mom and she said I should write you.
So what do you think Mr. Wizard? Is he an animal or what!?!?
Philo Van Assderbilt – Lawrence, Kansas

A: I think you and your teammates that complained about such treatment wouldn’t last long enough at a Southeastern Conference School to find the damn men’s room.

Q: Dear Sir –
I am a Private Investigator here in Los Angeles.
I don’t know who else to turn to with the evidence I gathered…
Below is a transcript of a recent conversation I recorded between two well known coaches with a “bionic ear” during a pregame.
Picture is enclosed…
Anonymous – Los Angeles, California

Carroll: You know, Charlie, I’ve got this place up in Malibu….

Weis: Reeeeeeealllly?

Carroll: Well, yeah….and you know you’re kind of cute in a Ned Beatty kind of way…..
Can you squeal like a pig?

Weis: Yessssssssss, oh yesssssss…… By the way, how do you like my hourglass figure?
It took me 20 minutes to get my belt this tight….. all for YOU Petey!!!

A: One word: Creepy

THE PICK

Saturday December 12th

Army and Navy
These aren’t two of the best teams in the nation
But they do have some of the best young men in the nation.
Be sure and watch the pregame pageantry
And don’t miss the traditional post game action.
It will make you feel good about America
MIDSHIPMEN 31-17

Enjoy your Weekend
There is more to come….
So Stay Tuned…

RTR
MEB

Since that Bama guy that writes this thing is in Tim Buck Two…
I am a gonna due the rewind article this week and answer some of yawls emails.
He sent me some notes and stuff, but I am fixing to get my “wing it on”.

Before we get into that yawl need to know that I have been celebrating…
The Vol’s winning the Tennessee State Championship!
I know what you is a thinking too.
They ain’t played Vanderbilt yet….
Well don’t you worry about that we is gonna beat the doors off them Commodores.
Get it?

But just so’s you know, even though I’ve been celebrating….I ain’t drunk.
I don’t care what that police man said…

COACH’S QUOTE OF THE LAST WEEK

“Oregon played faster than we wanted them too be……”
Coach Pete Carroll of the University of Southern California

HOOTIE’S NOTE: No kidding Sherlock..
That’s about the dumbest damn thing I heard
since my cousin said he was going on eBay to find him a “good hammer”.
Elmer, if you is a reading this, they got a million of em at Home Depot, dumbass.

TEAM NEWS @ OTHER STUFF TOO

TENNESSEE: They way I see it….
The Volunteers ought to be the Number four team in the country…
Them Gators just barely got by us…
Then them cheating Crimson Tides barely got by us…
So, they way I figure it we IS the Number Four Team in the country and ought to be in the National Championship talking.
O Yeah, we is Tennessee State Champs too!

A-RABS: I don’t know why all them folks are worked up over that Mohammad fellow.
I went to Wal-Mart in Knoxville on Friday to get some more stuff for my restaurant “Snitch’s”
that is going to have a “Grand opening” in about a another week.
It’s going to straight up, awesome!
Anyway, I got off the subject…
This guy greeting people when you walked in, his name tag said “Mohammad”.
So’s I walk over to him and ask,“Why are folks blowing themselves up over you. Are you telling them to do it or something?”
Cause if he would have said “yes”, I was going to put a Baneberry country ass whopping on his ass.
But Mohammad said, “NO! I am good person, I am here legally, I am not a terrorist!”
Well it kind of sounded like that, cause he didn’t speak very good American.
So, what ever you crazy ass A-Rabs are doing you need to cut that crap out…
Cause I talked to Mohammad and he didn’t know a damn thing about it.

PHIL FULMER: There ain’t goin to be No Criticism of the Great Coach Phil when I run the article.
He is like a majestic Walrus, except bigger and with a crown and wings.
That’s how I picture him, so you won’t read nothing negative here about Coach Phil.

TEXAS: I thought the Wizard guy was crazy as hell when he picked yawl to play in the National Championship game..
But it looks like it just might happen.

VETERANS DAY: Now I ain’t never been in combat per say, but I have been married twice, which should count for something,…
and I ain’t never been in the military but I was in Webelos, so I had me a uniform.
But I got to thank all the veterans everywhere for kicking ass and taking names and keeping us free.

ALABAMA: It’s still ain’t right yawl got a guy on the defense that is bigger than three of our boys…
and that’s the last time I’m going to say anything about it.

OREGON STATE: Beaver Jim, the football Wizard fellow wanted me to apologize that he missed your game over them California people. But, I would have picked yawl, if it would have been me, cause I love me some Beavers.

NEBRASKA: I don’t know how the hell them Cornhuskers beat them Sooner’s but I am betting they is still celebrating down in Lincoln.

OHIO STATE: I don’t know who woke them Buckeyes up, but they are tougher than my momma’s pan fried steak.

FLORIDA STATE: I don’t want to say Coach Bobby is getting old, but he was coaching at Florida State before it was a State.

MICHIGAN: The Wizard guy wanted me to say something about the Wolverines losing to Purdue at home for the first time since 1966, but I want to say something about that Michigan Coach’s wife.
That gal is uglier than homemade soap. I saw her on the Television last week, and my damn watch stopped.

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: The Horned Frogs are ranked the highest since 1956, hell fire I wasn’t even born then.

OREGON: So last week you beat them Trojans like a rented mule and this week you lost to team with a foam rubber tree mascot. What the hell is a going on up there?
Don’t nobody want to win yawls damn conference title?

NAVY: “Mister Wizard” didn’t pick yawl, which is stupid. I would have picked you to beat Notre Dame and I’ll tell you why.
The Navy has them SEALS and they are a bunch of bad asses, I know I seen the movie.
So of course they gonna beat some Leprechauns ass. That pick would have been easy for ole Hootie.

IOWA: I can’t believe yawl lost to a direction on the map, just another reason why the Vol’s ought to be ranked in front of them.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I got to agree with that Alabama Wizard guy, yawl should be on damn NCAA probation by now.
It’ don’t help that Coach Pete, rhymes with “Cheat”

EMAIL QUESTIONS @ ANSWERS WITH HOOTIE

Q: Dear Sir,
I just wanted to convey to you and your informed readership of a recent development that arose after the annual “Not The World’s Largest Cocktail Party Anymore Due to Political Correctness” game between the Bulldogs from somewhere and the Grand and Glorious University of Florida Gators led by the Esteemed and World Reknowned Tim Tebow. There was a fairly inconspicuous incident that occurred on the field of play in which it was alleged that Brandon Spikes tried to poke an opposing players’ eye. As I said, “alleged.” Well, I must say that had there not been numerous replays by ESPN that no one would have ever noticed anything had happened. But, nooooooooooooo, ESPN gets a clip of a players hand from the Esteemed and Pre-eminent University of Florida entering the face mask of an opposing player and it is automatically assumed that Mr Brandon Spikes is up to no good. I can personally attest that after reviewing said play I feel that he was either trying to help adjust the opposing players contact lens or perhaps was wiping his nose, since, as you know, it is flu season.
After the media circus that was created by this obviously misinterpreted incident I recommended that Mr Spikes be suspended for the first half of the game with Vanderbilt. Soon after this announcement, for some reason, there was another uproar. Well, thank goodness that Mr Spikes saw the situation and suspended himself for the entire game. I hope this satisfies the bloodlust inspired by inferior rival schools due to the jealousy of the University of Florida being anointed as the SEC representative to the National Championship.
By the way, if you saw the illustrious Mr Spikes on the sideline of the Florida-Vandy game, he was clean shaven and no longer looks like a thug.
Thank you Mr Spikes for your assistance.
Mike Slive
President
Southeastern Conference

A: Mister President Slive that is how them damn Gators beat us Volunteers by a bunch of eye grabbing and God knows what else. Can you see fit, since you’re the President and all to give us that game since they was a cheating? Also, them Crimson Tides got a guy named after a Mountain that is bigger than a new Buick. That ain’t right neither.

Q: Dear Sir,
I’ve been watching that Notre Dame team get beat all over the place by Navy. I mean, here’s a team with practically their own TV network, the sports outlets are always going ga-ga over them, and they’re getting beat by a service academy. Not being disrespectful to service academies, but, I mean, what the hell? I just think that they’re seriously overrated.
In fact, I think their name is about right. I don’t know what an “Ire” is, but they’re not good enough to be called a regulare “Ire”.
I think they’re just Ire-ish.
What do you think?
Timmy the Trojan, Los Angeles, California

A: I tell you what ole Hootie thinks….
You damn Trojan fans are always acting like yawl got your monkey chapped over one thing or another.
Bunch of damn cry babies is what I think…
But here’s something for your chapped monkey…

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
I was sittin here watchin Mr Mark May slobberin all over that cheatin Pete Carroll
after U$C Squeaked by Arizona State & I have a question.
Why does mark May wear glasses without any lenses in them?
I was just wondering cause you can see a reflection on the frame but not on any lenses.
Does he wear them like goggles in case Mr Lou Holtz slobber’s on him or is it cause he thinks wearing glasses that’s for decorations makes him look smart?
I really don’t think he’s very smart if you ask me.
I mean, he tried to make a big deal out of U$C squeaking by Notre Dumb even though they aren’t very good. What do you think?
Steve – Platte City, Missouri

A: That’s a damn fine question..
I am a guessing it’s because he wants to “look smart”.
Cause I will tell you, when Mark May starts making sense to you, it’s a sure sign that you’ve had too much to drink.

Q: You no take me serious!
Now Navy Beat Irish and that all we hear about!
I see Navy Goat mascot everywhere and it offend me and honorable family!
It even on Weather Channel!
I want NCAA to change Navy mascot, they change other schools because of offense!
I honorable business man and give you photo of my restaurant!
Send me NCAA address to change navy mascot!
Ding Dung – San Francisco, California

A: I ain’t trying to tell you your business…..
But you couldn’t get somebody down South to eat in a place with name like that at gunpoint.
Kind of made me sick just looking at it..

Q: Who in the hell do you think you are?
You picked the Trojans to lose two games or “more” this year and they do, just like you picked Oklahoma to do the same.
You picked TCU and Boise State to be undefeated and they still are…
You picked Alabama and Florida to meet in Atlanta and they will…
You picked Texas to go to the National Championship game and it looks like they are on their way.
Just who do you think you are?
James – Atlanta, Georgia

A: I don’t know who he is neither…
But I heard that Wizard guy was part Secret agent and part Transformer.

Stay tuned cause I’m goin to have me an update on my “Grand Opening” of Snitch’s.

The Wizard says them picks will be out later in the week too.

Yawl have a good week now, you hear?

Hootie – Out!

Much like the Oklahoma, Houston and Seminole fans last weekend…
Your favorite college football prognosticator will hence forth refer to last weekends games as..
The “Weekend that will no longer be mentioned”.

I am sure the above fans will gladly agree with me on that point, but before I unveil my embarrassing statistics from the “Weekend that will no longer be mentioned”, I want to offer my three favorite excuses for my lackluster performance.
1. The Sun was in my eyes while I was making the picks…
2. There is no doubt I had a rock in my shoe when I was making the picks last week..
3. Frankly, I don’t make very good decisions while I am on artificial turf….

And as a side note….
It doesn’t help that I am making the picks while wearing a leaf bag around my waist
Don’t ask…
You really don’t want to know…
Damn Kangaroo Flu…

Last week: 36 and 19 (Ouch!!!!!!) at 65%

Overall: 240 and 65 at 79% ( No comment….)

Enjoy the Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday October 8th

Nebraska at Missouri
MO knows offense, but the Huskers have the Black Shirts
This will be a good one to watch from start to finish
And the Victory Bell goes too…..
CORNHUSKERS 28-24

Colgate at Princeton
I don’t care and neither should you
But it is nice to know they named a college after my favorite toothpaste

Arkansas Monticello at West Georgia
This is clearly my “Game of the Night”
The Wolves of West Georgia and the Mighty Boll Weevils of Arkansas
That’s right I said “Boll Weevils”…
Tell me this mascot doesn’t scare you…

Enough said….
BOLL WEEVILS 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Also…
The Arkansas Boll Weevil mascot is called “Weezie”
Which is no relation to a character on the once popular television series “The Jefferson’s”
Just thought you should know…

North Greenville at North Alabama
The Mighty Lions of Florence Roar once again…
LIONS 34-17

Friday October 9th

Louisiana Tech at Nevada
I have counted the Bulldogs out of too many games this year and gotten bit every time.
Not this week…
BULLDOGS 31-17

Saturday October 10th

Colorado at Texas
Someone actually wrote me about this game last year and asked me…
“How were they supposed to distinguish..
between the respective schools mascots of a Buffalo and a Longhorn..
which one was actually my sister-in-law?”
That is so ridiculous, I can’t even believe it!
She was the one wearing flip-flops.
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-14

Alabama at Ole Miss
This is going to be a tussle in the Grove from start to finish…
Believe it…
CRIMSON TIDE 28-23

Eastern Illinois at Penn State
There is only room for one Big Cat in this game..
And it ain’t the Panthers…
JOE PA’s LIONS 38-10

Wisconsin at Ohio State
Behold the Power of Cheese Whiz….
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 24-17

Delta State at West Alabama
The Tigers of West Alabama can’t handle the Fighting Okra….
Why you may ask?
Because they are “Fighting Okra”, that’s why….
FIGHTING OKRA 31-20

Baylor at Oklahoma
I wouldn’t take the Bears for granted in this game…
Or it will be Sooner, Later…
BOOMER SOONERS 24-17

The Citadel at Elon
I wish I had better news for the Bulldogs of the Military College of South Carolina
But I don’t…
THE CUBAN KID 31-21

Catawba at Carson Newman
Why someone thought it was a “good idea”…
to name their college after a bunion is beyond me, what’s next “Hemorrhoid Tech”?
Never mind, I believe that’s in California
SPARKS EAGLES 33-28

Boston College at Virginia Tech
I got some bad news for the fan’s from Chesnutt Hill..
The Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about…
HOKIES 33-17

Georgia Tech at Florida State
I never thought I would see the day that Coach Bobby would be on the hot seat…
But after this week, he will have both cheeks firmly planted on it.
YELLOW JACKETS 28-17

Florida A&M at Miami
Leroy Vann is faster than the Rattler’s namesake….
But that won’t save him from the eye of the Hurricane
HURRICANES 34-10

Houston at Mississippi State
Bulldog Jim, I wish I had better news my friend….
I am afraid the Cats have a mean on…
COUGARS 31-23

Chattanooga at Samford
I used to know a Sam Ford once…
He was a horse’s ass….
MIGHTY MOCCASINS 28-24

Iowa State at Kansas
Both of these teams are heading in the same direction…
No where…
HAWKS of JAY 23-17

Susquehanna at Rochester
Susie and Rocky?
Sounds like the basis for Rocky VIX
Never mind….
SUSIE 21-17

Georgia at Tennessee
Both teams are beaten up and badly in need of a win…
This is going to be one heck of a game….
HUNKER DOWN DAWGS 28-23

EDITORS NOTE: I know it pains me to say this…
But it’s getting more difficult each week to criticize Coach Lane Kiffin
When Coach Phil was at Beacon Hill..
“Discipline” and the football team went together like Chinese food and peanut butter.
Coach Lane won’t tolerate any foolishness from the players..
and will dismiss them from the team in a New York minute.
Believe that?
Under Coach Phil’s watch Tennessee players used to stroll to games like they bought their clothes from “Thugs or Us”, once a volunteer player even wore a loin cloth to the game, true story.
And now the players have to wear coats and ties to games and leave their Mr. T starter kits at home.
I have even noticed a change in some Volunteer fans…
What is going on?
Doesn’t Coach Lane realize this hurts my column?

Georgia Southern at North Carolina
The Eagle has been grounded…..
HEELS of TAR 38-10

Auburn at Arkansas
This game has all the potential to be a Barn Burner..
No Pun intended..
RAZORBACKS 33-24

Harding at Ouachita Baptist
I am not sure what an “Ouachita” Baptist does…
Unless they are the folks that handle rattlesnakes during a service
Harding better watch himself, those things will bite you…
SNAKE HANDLING BAPTIST 38-10

Oregon at UCLA
I would rather play nude twister with Rosie O’Donnell than watch this game…
QUACKS 6-5

EDITORS NOTE: Like I wasn’t sick enough with the Kangaroo Flu….
I had to make myself throw up over that comment…

Southern Miss at Louisville
Coach K and the Cardinals are down and they ain’t getting up…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-17

EDITORS NOTE: Cardinal Fans take note….
Coach Tommy Tuberville is lounging in Alabama right now looking for a job..
I know he has the personality of a Jackass eating briars….
But the boy can spell “Defense”….
Just a thought…

Duke at North Carolina State
The winner of this semi-bitter instate rivalry receives coupons to Burger King.
I am not sure if that includes a complimentary decorative paper crown
More on this story as it develops.
WOLFPACK 31-28

Maryland at Wake Forest
This game features amphibians and televangelists…
I honestly have no idea which team is going to show up for this one..
The truth is…
They don’t either…
NINJA TURTLES 23-17

West Virginia at Syracuse
I was asked to say something “positive” and “uplifting” about the Orange this week.
O.K., here goes…
You all don’t suck as bad as you did last year..
How’s that?
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-17

Stanford at Oregon State
I would rather watch my wife’s uncle Todd’s colonoscopy video (again..)
In it’s entirety…
Than watch another PAC 10 game…
CARDINAL 6-3

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering…
The video is kind of like the 1950’s version of “Journey to the Center of the Earth”

Connecticut at Pittsburgh
Interesting fact….
When Coach Lou Holtz has said the above schools names in quick succession…
He has actually blinded Mark May in spit…
PANTHERS 28-24

Southern Nazarene at Southwest Baptist
In case you were wondering there will be a Baptism
Following today’s game…
FIGHTN’ BAPTISTS 23-17

Muhlenberg at Juniata
If I was the M’ Guy here, I would watch myself…
I hear Juanita’s septic tank backed up last week and she is madder than hell
JUANITA 31-14

Indiana at Virginia
This game may answer the eternal philosophical question..
“Would they still have a college football game if no spectators came?”
CAVALIERS 17-13

Arizona at Washington
The “W” on the Huskies helmets better stand for “Win” this weekend..
or I am off the dog’s bandwagon. Yes, I mean it this time.
HUSKIES 24-10

Arizona State at Washington State
These two teams together couldn’t beat a hot dog….
DEVILS of the SUN 17-14

Kentucky at South Carolina
The Wildcats are tough….
But Coach Steve has their number…
Always has…
GAMECOCKS 31-17

Kansas State at Texas Tech
Maybe Coach Snyder could get the Wildcats motivated..
If he wore a cape and a mask on the sidelines.
I don’t know if it would help, but it sure would be funny, wouldn’t it?
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 34-17

Miami (OH) at Northwestern
This game will be a lot closer than you might think…
That is until the National anthem is over…
WILDCATS 33-10

Purdue at Minnesota
This ancient Big Ten rivalry is played for something I can’t quite pronounce..
But it looks like a giant Tootsie Roll..
Or it could be a Donkey Turd…
I’m not really sure…
O’ SO very GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-17

Heidelberg at Ohio Northern
I bet Ole Heidelberg wears lederhosen and a funny hat when nobody’s looking
Enough said…
POLAR BEARS 21-7

Vanderbilt at Army
Some people in the SEC are quick to dismiss the Commodores..
But if they were in the PAC 10 they would be the second best team in the conference
No worse than third anyway…
Believe it…
‘DORES 28-14

Michigan State at Illinois
This Big Ten rivalry is played each year…
for the coveted “Jimmy Crack Corn Trophy”, because frankly, nobody cares.
SPARTANS 27-24

Eastern Michigan at Central Michigan
The good news is…
Because this game is in Michigan, the Eagles don’t have far to go to get their ass kicked.
CHIPPEWA’S 28-23

New Mexico at Wyoming
I don’t know if I would go as far as calling this an “upset special”..
But the Cowboy’s are due….
COWBOY UP! 20-17

Oklahoma State at Texas A&M
I have some “Good News” and some “Not so good news” here..
The “Good” news is the Aggie Corps of Cadet Marching Band…
Is one of the finest college marching bands in the country.
The Aggie War Hymn will give your goose bumps, goose bumps.
The “Not so” good news is the Cowboys are riding into town…
THE COWBOYS 38-17

Texas Southern at Rutgers
The TSU “Motion of the Ocean” – “Ocean of Soul” Marching Band
Is really something to see, unfortunately their football team isn’t.
SCARLET KNIGHTS 44-10

Navy at Rice
The Midshipmen are tough, fast and well coached.
The Owls have one of the best baseball teams in the country.
Yeah, that won’t help them much here..
MIDSHIPMEN 28-17

Henderson State at Valdosta State
The folks from Henderson are known as the “Reddies”
Which I find to be discriminatory against blondes and brunettes
Damn racists…
BLAZERS 33-10

Marshall at Tulane
I still believe in the Thundering Herd…
WE ARE MARSHALL 24-17

Utah at Colorado State
Did you know that if you spell “Rams” backward you get “Smar”…
Not that it’s all that important here…
TWO UTES 33-24

Peru College at Lincoln (MO)
Although I have never been a fan of Lincoln, I think it is inherently wrong that a university from another country is playing college football against a team from the Heartland of America.
MO knows FOOTBALL 24-20

Ohio at Akron
Seriously, what is a “Zip” and why is their mascot a damn kangaroo?
I’ll never understand Yankees..
BOBCATS 24-23

Texas Christian at Air Force
The horned amphibians are lucky as well as good….
That’s a bad combination..
HORNED FROGS 31-17

Florida at LSU
Saturday Night in Death Valley….
For an opposing team there is nothing like it….
It’s what the Christians in the roman coliseum must have felt like before they released the..
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 23-21

UTEP at Memphis
Before last weekend I would have said U-Who?
But after outlasting the Houston Cougars last Saturday night
MIGHTY MINERS 34-23

Eastern Carolina at Southern Methodist
Despite my disappointment last week with the Ponies…
Much like Steve McQueen…
I still believe in the power of the Mighty Mustangs….
MUSTANGS 28-24

Michigan at Iowa
This classic Big Ten matchup is played for “The Old Lobster Bib”
Not really, I just made that up, but you have to admit…
It’s a better idea than the “Skank Witch Trophy”
EYES of the HAWK 28-23

Brigham Young at UNLV
The Rebels have a good chance of winning this game…
If Brigham Young misses their flight to Vegas…
COUGARS 38-10

Sunday October 11th

Fresno State at Hawaii
Have I mentioned lately that “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is on A&E on Wednesday nights?
I love those guys…
BULLDOGS 33-24

Tomorrow I will have something for the disgruntled Georgia Fan…
I wonder, could it be the names and addresses of the referees from last weeks Georgia – LSU game?

Next week Hootie Snitch will discuss his request for a stimulus package to open his “new” restaurant.

Stay tuned

Enjoy your games this weekend…

RTR
MEB

I hope that you did not see the unspeakable tragedy that took place on Saturday.
For those of you with children that witnessed the horror
I can only pray the therapy bills will not be too expensive
and the little ones will overcome the scars of what their young impressionable eyes saw that day.

Who would have thought something so terrible would be witnessed on live television.

For those of you that are not familiar with the terrible turn of events that took place this past Saturday
I will briefly describe them for you, because they are too awful to have a visual image available on this forum.

The scene was the CBS pregame College Football Sports Studio in New York City
A young lady, Samantha Ryan was the “host” of the program, along with Brian Jones and former Tennessee Coach Phil Fulmer.

Until the toxicology report is released we won’t know for sure….
But it appeared from the outset of the program that Phil Fulmer was particularly agitated..
Some have speculated that this was caused from “coming down” off an extensive Krispy Kreme “high”.
Others have stated this was the result of long term bingeing on Bear Claws and other assorted goodies from said donut franchise.

None the less
What transpired was of such a heinous nature that I will have difficulty accurately portraying the events as they unfolded.

As the program progressed and the various games of the day discussed…
Eventually the topic turned to the CBS College Football Game of the Week.

The University of Arkansas at The University of Alabama

As Ms Ryan and Brian Jones discussed the game, Phil Fulmer became visibly aggravated and uncomfortable, particularly when the two discussed Coach Nick Saban and the success of the Crimson Tide.

In an attempt to get Coach Fulmer involved in the conversation about the Arkansas – Alabama game…..
The two tried to encourage Phil Fulmer to say something “nice” or “positive” about the University of Alabama.

At first Phil Fulmer appeared as a petulant child crossing his arms, sticking his lower lip out and shaking his head back and forth as if he were five years old and being asked to take his cough syrup.

While Phil was pouting and looking as if he was going to cry
Brian Jones looked across the studio and shrugged his shoulders at the director, as if to say, “I don’t know what’s going on”
Then all hell broke loose….

Phil Fulmer went into a rage that hasn’t been seen since the release of Jurassic Park

Before anyone on the set or in the studio could react, Phil Fulmer attacked Ms Ryan like a crazed Tyrannosaurus. At first chewing only her head, but then attempted to devour her entire anorexic model like body, all the while manically screaming….
“Get in my Belly!”

I can still hear the screams in my sleep…

Fortunately for Ms. Ryan an Animal Control Officer that just gotten off work was in the studio audience and through his quick actions was able to fire over a dozen tranquilizing darts into Phil Fulmer, thus saving Ms Ryan’s life and the reputation of CBS Sports.

I feel like the reporter that witnessed the crash of the Hindenburg….

I can still see Phil’s foaming mouth and protruding belly flopping around the CBS Sports Studio as he grasped for Ms Ryan’s ankles with his meaty claw like hands.

O’ The Humanity!

No word yet on the condition of Ms Ryan or Mr. Jones who was visibly distraught
or Coach Phil Fulmer who is currently being held at the Bronx Zoo undergoing further testing

Later this week
I will have news on Florida State’s quest to be the Fifth Best team in the State of Florida
and a recap of the weekend’s games.

And as always….
Your College Football Picks for Week 5

So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Before we kickoff the 2009 College Football Season this week…
We have a few things to discuss…

We have some college football news and some of your College Football Kickoff Email Question and Answers.
Look at this segment as a warm-up before the opening game…
Minus the jumping jacks and all the sweating..

Enjoy!

TEAM NEWS

TENNESSEE: Amazing…
The NCAA has finally cleared Volunteer running back Bryce Brown to play football.
The “investigation” was reported to have begun last season when Brown was still in high school and the controversy was concerning his reported dealings with a person handling his recruitment.

EDITORS NOTE: Let me be sure that I understand this correctly…
The NCAA has enough “investigators” that they can trail a high school player and stalk Alabama football players on fishing trips, but they can’t seem to find Reggie Bush’s momma’s house?

MICHIGAN: This past weekend….
The Detroit Free Press reported that several wolverine football players have stated that Coach Rod and his staff routinely violate NCAA rules in regard to time limits on practice and football related activities.
Specifically…
Players from the 2008 and 2009 teams told the Detroit Free Press for a story published on the newspaper’s Web site on Saturday that the amount of time they spend on football activities during the season and in the offseason greatly exceeds the limits. The players spoke to the newspaper on condition of anonymity because they feared repercussions from coaches.

As you might imagine…
Coach Rod and Michigan Compliance Director Judy “Which way did they go?” Van Horn had a different perspective.
“We know the practice and offseason rules and we stay within the guidelines,” Rodriguez’s statement reads. “We follow the rules and have always been completely committed to being compliant with all NCAA rules.”
“During the season, the NCAA limits ‘countable’ practice activities to 20 hours per week,” Van Horn’s statement reads. “There are activities that don’t count, such as rehab and getting taped. We educate our coaching staffs and student-athletes [in all sports] to keep everyone informed of the rules. Also, compliance and administrative staff conduct in-person spot checks of practice during the academic year and summer.
We have not had any reason to self-report any violations in this area with any of our sports.”

EDITORS NOTE: Now that we have an “issue” north of the Ohio River it will be interesting to see how fast the NCAA is going to move on this one..

MICHIGAN II: In an effort to draw attention away from his recent shenanigans…
Coach Rod stated this past week that he wants pre-season games to be added to the NCAA college football schedule to help them prepare for the upcoming season.

EDITORS NOTE: Hey Coach Rod…
There is a place where they have Pre-Season Football games…
It’s called the N-F-L…dumbass.

FLORIDA STATE: You have to hand it to the Seminoles…
Like their namesakes they will not yield and they will not surrender.

As you may already know….
Judge John Copper ruled the NCAA must release all documents related to the investigation into Florida State University to comply with the State of Florida Law regarding open records.

The Judge’s decision wasn’t personal….
It was to comply with the law of the state of Florida

Yet, the attorney representing the NCAA…
Ms Linda Salfrink, lashed out at Florida State over the ruling stating..
“If they (Florida State University) don’t want to follow the rules, they don’t need to be a member.”

The Tallahassee Democrat emailed NCAA spokesperson Stacey Osburn several times asking if Salfrink’s statement represented the organization’s official stance.
Osburn has yet to reply…..

Joe Jacquot, the Chief of Staff for Florida Attorney General Bill McCollum said this is not a matter of FSU having a choice between state law and the NCAA rules.

“Absolutely they have to follow the state law,” Jacquot said. “In the end, the state law, the public records law, is there to protect Florida institutions and the Florida people.”

EDITORS NOTE: So the NCAA doesn’t feel like it has to comply with state laws..
But everybody must submit to their rules, is that about it?

My friends, it is time we do exactly what attorney Linda Skank Face said….
We don’t need to be members…

It’s time we secede from this one sided dictatorship…..
Coach Bobby, can I get an Amen?

OKLAHOMA: This past week….
The Sooners reported a handful of minor NCAA rules violations, mostly dealing with what the university describes as inadvertent phone calls or text messages by various coaches.

The Associated Press obtained documents on Friday detailing the secondary violations through an open records request.

EDITORS NOTE: So the NCAA didn’t have a problem with the “Open Records” law in Oklahoma? Makes you wonder what the NCAA is hiding in the Florida State “investigation, doesn’t it?

GEORGIA: My Dear Bulldog faithful….
It’s time to get your Media Guide in order in regard to scores of last years games..
You know what I am talking about…
I have too much respect for Lewis to say their name…
But you have to do the right thing.

ALABAMA: The NCAA is reported to be “investigating” the University of Alabama football program over three players going fishing with one of the player’s next door neighbor.

Yes, I am serious….

But let me answer your questions now…
The gentleman that took the boys fishing was not an alumni or a booster of the University of Alabama.
The gentleman that took the boys fishing has never attended nor do any of his children attend the University of Alabama.
The gentleman that took the boys fishing was in no way connected in any way with the University of Alabama.
The gentleman that took the three boys fishing was a next door neighbor to the parents of one of the players he took fishing.
That’s it…..

EDITORS NOTE: So the NCAA is concerned about when and where Alabama Football Players go fishing, but they aren’t concerned about New Era Sports Agents at U$C?

My Friends you know how I feel….
Secede from the NCAA now…..

ESPN: You may have heard…
This past week Coach Lou Holtz picked the Notre Dame Fighting Irish to play the Florida Gators for the National Championship and subsequent Glass Football in Pasadena California in January 2010.

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t know what Coach Lou has been drinking….
But I do know that it will make you crazy as hell….

OKLAHOMA STATE: I never thought I would be saying this….
The Cowboys from Stillwater have abandoned one of their traditions….

It’s true…..
The Cowboys have entered Boone Pickens Stadium to Aerosmith blaring “Back in the Saddle Again” since the song was released back in the 70’s.

In fact, enjoy the video below of their “Old” Entrance before we continue this discussion.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Now the administration wants to change all that….

John Martin, who happens to be a graduate of Baylor University…
Wrote “Cowboys Forever” and somehow sold the idea to the University Administration to replace the Aerosmith opening with this ridiculous Disney / Jonas Brothers / Country Pop crap.

The words to the song alone are enough to make me retch….

COWBOYS FOREVER

The prairie wind touches our skin
Another maverick morning begins
Wild west eyes rise before the sun
We are young guns on the run
Hang’em high, pistols to the sky
We ride, we ride, ‘cross the line
It’s in our veins
The feel of the reins
.45’s, chaps, bandannas and spurs
We are cowboys forever
Stay here today, gone tomorrow
The open range is our home
All that we own lives inside our soul
We are cowboy to the bone
Hang’em high, pistols to the sky
We ride, we ride, ‘cross the line
It’s in our veins
The feel of the reins
.45’s, chaps, bandannas and spurs
We are cowboys forever
Riding Bullet across the plains
To avenge our kin’s blood and name
In bedlam we will rise and stand
With strength and honor to defend our land
Hang’em high, pistols to the sky
We ride, we ride, ‘cross the line
It’s in our veins
The feel of the reins
.45’s, chaps, bandannas and spurs
We are cowboys forever
We are, we are
Cowboys forever

Go to www.johnmartinlive.com/lyrics/

And listen for yourself…..

Are we to believe this was meant to inspire the crowd?
Is this intended to get the team motivated when they come out of the tunnel and hit the field?

This has caused a great deal of hate and discontent with Cowboy fans across the nation.
And I can’t blame them….

But thank God for college students….
Enjoy the brief parody of “Cowboys Forever” produced by some college students in Stillwater…
It is priceless….

Click here to view the embedded video.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS: In the immortal words of Gomer Pyle…
“Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!”

Without ever playing a down thus far in the season the Trojan loving writers of the College Football News have decided that the U$C Trojans will play in the National Championship game…

EDITORS NOTE: Keep in mind…
These are the same guys…
That back in the 80’s would argue that Boy George and George Michael weren’t gay…..
Bet they still have their posters hanging in their mom’s garage..
Enough said…

COLLEGE FOOTBALL WIZARD CORRECTION:
When I am wrong I admit it…
In the College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza I named a number of college football “commentators” that were “the worst in all of college football.”
Then I got the news last week..
That in the CBS pregame college football studio will be none other than…
Fat Phil Fulmer…

Enough said…
My apologizes to all the names mentioned in my earlier article.

EDITORS NOTE: Notable exception to the above apology: Pam Ward of ESPN.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL RUMOR:
There is no truth to the rumor that NASA is going to use Fat Phil Fulmer’s ass to plug the depleted ozone layer in the earth’s atmosphere.
This is an ugly rumor….
I know for a fact that NASA doesn’t have a rocket big enough to accomplish the mission.
I hope this has cleared up any misunderstanding.

NCAA: You have time to watch high school kids play football and hide in the bushes while football players are fishing with their neighbors, but after four damn years you still can’t tell us anything about the Reggie Bush and Southern California Trojan Investigation?

EDITORS NOTE: If you think I am going to let this go…
You got another thing coming…

ESPN II: As a side note….
I hope we see Lee Corso on ESPN Gameday in Atlanta this weekend..
You better be there coach, it won’t be the same without you.

Pre-Season Kickoff Email Questions & Answers

Q: Mister Wizerd –
We presented our pertetions to you concerning takin that Hootie Snitch off-n your website. He is a makin all the Tennesse Vol fans look straight up inorant!
Everybody done went an signed it in our town, even Herbert Moore, he’s the mayor.
So, please take that Hootie Snitch often the website before he makein us Vol fans look any more stupid and dumb than he already has.
Sinserely –
Claudette and Gladis Hogwaller – Briar Switch, Tennessee

A: Honestly, I am speechless.

Q: I write you again because I no hear back from you.
This is Ding Dung and we want NCAA to change military academies mascots!
Where address to write to NCAA!
Military Mascots make us feel demeaned and make us think on bad times in Vietnam.
How you send NCAA address to me?
Ding Dung – San Francisco, California

A: What is this National Illiteracy Week?

Q: Your racist banter is out of line and clearly out of touch with today’s climate.
You don’t understand that people of all races and creeds and color, religion or sexual identity have an equal place in our world.
There is simply no place for racist rants such as yours in our world.
If you do not want to be boycotted by our organization I suggest you make a drastic change to your content in future writings.
“Our Harmony is Our Dream”
Gay and Lesbian Alliance – Los Angles, California

A: O.K, you want sensitive? I’ll give you sensitive..
So a Lesbian, and Arab and a Rabbi walk into this bar…

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard –
So I hear your “friend” President Myles Brand has pancreatic cancer.
I didn’t know a gerbil could get to the pancreas from the rectum.
Dr. Paul – Charleston, South Carolina

A: Well Doctor Paul….
Myles has had his head up there since he was President of Indiana University…
So I would imagine you could fit a Buick up there by now…

Q: Mike, I have a question that I hope you can answer for me.
Baseball has a “Field of Dreams”, does football have anything like that?
Debbie – Mobile, Alabama

A: Football does have a “Field of Dreams” Debbie…
It’s in a little town called Parkersburg Iowa….
They call it Ed Thomas Field….

Your Week One College Football Picks will be out tomorrow morning…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Dear Mr. College Football Wizard

I was deeply troubled by the recent article on your website which appeared on June 12th, 2009.  I would like to officially request that you cease and desist all activity which might further slander myself, the NCAA, and various personnel mentioned.

Also, your use of my likeness is in violation of various copyright laws governing reprinting of photographs, video clips, and other media.

I do however, have more flattering photographs available for future use for $34.95 payable by cash, check or money order.

As to our cease and desist order, more specifically the investigation into one Mr. Reginald Bush, formerly of the finest educational institution in the country, the University of Southern California, your remarks characterizing our conduct were scurrilous, outrageous, and inflammatory.

The highly esteemed University in question has never admitted to any wrong doing, so therefore, there is no reason for the NCAA to assume any such wrong doing, in light of the nature of our investigative body.

Further, you seem to consistently compare the University of Alabama investigations and the University of Southern California investigations and I would like to point out the key inconsistency in said comparison.  Alabama reported their violations and Southern California reported no violations.

Therefore, one would naturally conclude that Alabama is guilty and was penalized, while Southern California admitted no guilt, and thusly, is simply not guilty.
This should be obvious to the most casual observer but your inability to draw this same conclusion is deeply troubling.

As to your reference to model citizens at the University of Tennessee, in particular Mr. Phillip Fulmer, I am appalled at your characterizations of this fine coach. Please realize that Mr. Fulmer has a grandular condition and in no way should be held up for public ridicule.

After an exhaustive 30 minute investigation into your ranting and unsubstantiated allegations, we have found that you, good sir, are not within compliance of the NCAA conduct policy and have determined that your penalties will be as follows:

1. Loss of 6 megs of bandwidth for three years
2. Public scrutiny and humiliation
3. Hootie Snitch will be declared ineligible from contributions to your site for 1 year.

Respectfully,
Myles Brand
President
Nazi’s Crushing American Athletics
National Collegiate Athletic Association

We have a lot of ground to cover today…

So let’s not waste anytime on formalities here.

Enjoy your Update

BREAKING NEWS……
It has been reported that former Tennessee Coach Phil Fulmer….
is the “Secret” witness in the investigation surrounding the death of David “Grasshopper” Carradine.

Evidence has been brought to the attention of your Favorite College Football Prognosticator to suggest Phil Fulmer knows more about the death of the Kung Fu Grasshopper than he might care to admit.

The Evidence: Exhibit “A”
Phil Fulmer was “missing” during the demise of the Grasshopper…

EDITORS NOTE: Please do not think this shred of information isn’t a big deal…
Phil Fulmer is the fifth largest mammal walking upright, so he is a little hard to “miss”…

And…
In case you were wondering…
The other Land Mammals larger than Phil are in the following order:
1. Polar Bear
2. Wynonna Judd – Kodiak Brown Bear (tie)
3. University of Kansas Coach Mark Mangino
4. Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weis

The Evidence: Exhibit “B”
In the sexual harassment suit settled by the University of Tennessee in 1997 against Phil Fulmer by the team trainer, it is clear that Coach Phil has a “thing” for male genitalia and appears to engage in “unusual” practices regarding discipline.

This key piece of evidence alone may explain why the Kung Fu Grasshopper was found bound with his personal business exposed during his untimely death.

The Evidence: Exhibit “C”
Phil Fulmer is a Krispy Kreme addict in need of an Intervention…

EDITORS NOTE: Unless you have been living under a rock for the past 15 years…
No further evidence needs to be cited here.

The Evidence: Exhibit “D”
Phil Fulmer is a man that has demonstrated time and time again….
That he is driven by jealousy….

So I ask you…
Ladies and Gentlemen of the College Football Jury…
Who on the planet knew more about Kung Fu and the mystic arts of the orient than David “Snatch the Pebble from my Hand” Carradine?

Nobody…
My point exactly….

I submit that Phil Fulmer in a rage of jealousy while bingeing on Krispy Kreme Bear Claws tortured David “Grasshopper” Carradine for his “Snatch the Pebble Secrets” to return to the ranks of college football and more specifically as the Head Coach at the University Tennessee.

I rest my case….

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t laugh….
This is Exactly the same methodology the NCAA applies to their Investigations…

SEVEN QUESTIONS
You asked for it….
and Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator..
Delivered….

Seven Questions (unfiltered)
with….
The President of the NCAA…
Myles Brand
In his “secret” underground lair…
Beneath the NCAA Headquarters in Indianapolis, Indiana

Introductions:

CFW: I have never had to go through so many security check points and metal detectors in my life. Is there any reason for such strict security measures?
MB: How did you get in here? We know who you are!

CFW: Well, let’s get to it shall we?
MB: How in the Hell did you get in here!
I thought I was entertaining a kid from “Make-a-Wish”?

CFW: Well, I still feel like a kid and I have a “wish”, but let’s not squabble over details.
MB: This is egregious!

CFW: Well, that’s where you’re wrong; I’m Baptist

MB: Let’s get this over with, but my attorney’s will review this entire proceeding prior to publishing or I will put you on double secret probation and take away your scholarships!

CFW: I feel like I am trapped in a “Bozone Layer”…
MB: What is that?
CFW: A substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating…

MB: Never mind, let’s get this over with.

Question #1: So where are you with the investigation into Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California?
Answer: That is rather difficult to explain in such a short period of time, but suffice to say we are continuing to look into the matter.

Question #2: That’s not an answer
Answer: Actually, the parties you mentioned have denied any wrong doing and frankly that is good enough for the NCAA.

Question #3: Let me be sure I got this right..
If you tell the truth, then you get punished.
If you lie about it, then it’s ok?
Answer: There is more to it than just that…
It has to do with revenue and other complicated factors.
Plus, I really like the Trojans.
Their mascot, you know that big white horse?
It kind of reminds me of my wife, with the long face, big teeth and funny ears.

Question #4: Speaking of mascots, why does the NCAA pressure universities and colleges to change their mascots? Who determines what is offensive and what isn’t?
Answer: It’s a complicated process, too complicated to explain here.
But I will give you a hint:
It involves a little game I like to call, “What’s that Smell?”

Question #5: I really want to ask a follow up question on this subject..
But I have to ask, why do you have a portrait of Adolph Hitler in your office?
Answer: You like that?
I have his portrait because he was misunderstood; sort of like me.

Question #6: Tell me you just didn’t compare yourself to Adolph Hitler?
Answer: After I fired Bobby Knight at Indiana, I was Fuhrer there you know…
I mean President..Any-Who…The Power of it all…I am sorry I am getting a little excited just thinking about it.

Question #7: The Harvard School of Business ranks the NCAA as the number one monopoly in the United States, ahead of Microsoft and OPEC. How do you respond to that?
Answer: I wonder how Harvard will like being on probation for the next ten years…

CFW: Why don’t you put yourself on probation jackass…
MB: Get this reprobate out of here!

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering…
The guy that strip searched me as I was leaving the NCAA Headquarters…..
was suprisingly gentle..

EDITORS NOTE Part II: And just for the record….
If I would have known then….
What he was planning for my beloved University….
 He would have gotten an Alabama Ass Whipping..

TEAM NEWS

TENNESSEE: This is not a typo…
Coach “Lame” Kiffin of Tennessee committed yet another secondary recruiting violation this past week as was reported by the University.
However, Athletic Director Mike Hamilton showed no concern with the sixth violation in as many months.

He stated, “Coach Kiffin has gotten us (Tennessee) national exposure with his recruiting techniques and we support that.”

EDITORS NOTE: I guess consistantly showing your behind in the media “technically” counts as national exposure.

TENNESSEE Part II: Recently the Nashville Tennessean reported that the cost of the recent University of Tennessee recruiting class exceeded One Million Dollars for the sixteen players they recruited.
This article was followed closely with one by the University of Tennessee President announcing another considerable tuition hike for students.

EDITORS NOTE: Those folks really know how to put the “Bad” in “timing”…

PENN STATE: This week the brain trust at FoxSports announced that Coach Joe Paterno of Penn State “made over a million dollars last year…”

And another revelation from the FoxSports clue locker…
“Jo Pa makes more than the President of the University…”

EDITORS NOTE: I know what you are thinking…
So I will say it for you….
No Shhhhhhhhhhhhh….Sherlock.
He makes more money that the President of the United States too..
So what’s your point dumbass?

FLORIDA STATE: This week the  Seminoles will have to respond to the NCAA’s investigation…
(which the NCAA is keeping secret…….)
Regarding academic fraud by some members of their football team.

EDITORS NOTE: So how does a public institution that is “required” to pay dues to a “volunteer” organization respond to an investigation that neither they nor the public is allowed to see?
In case you were wondering….
This act by the NCAA violates Florida State Law…
But as we have shown…
The NCAA isn’t interested in following any laws….
Including their own.

MEMPHIS: As you know I don’t like to mix my sports together…
But frankly this was too good not to mention.
This week the NCAA has “leaked” that the University of Memphis is “guilty”…
(Without conducting an investigation…..)
Because their “preliminary” report indicates “wrong doing in regard to SAT test scores for incoming student athletes.”

EDITORS NOTE: Wow…..
That was fast….
Yet, you can’t find Reggie Bush’s Momma’s House?

ALABAMA: The NCAA announced yesterday that the Alabama football team must vacate all wins in 2005 through 2007 that included players involved in violations of textbook disbursement policy.

The NCAA will also place Alabama on three more years of probation and Alabama will have to pay a fine to the NCAA.
The issue is related to student athletes selling their text books as opposed to returning them to the book store, as well as getting books for other students on their student athlete accounts.
The NCAA stated that this “scandal” resulted in the athletes receiving “several hundred dollars” over the span of time for selling their text books, that they are required to return. Additionally, they used their status as student athletes to purchase nearly three thousand dollars of text books for non-student athletes over three years.

EDITORS NOTE: Almost three thousand dollars? Really?
So that “infraction” results in the loss of wins for “all” those games?

I have a question for the NCAA…
If this is the penalty for this kind of infraction…
What are you going to do to the Southern California Trojans?

And as a side note….
I will detail this  ”Investigation” in a Commentary article next week….
It will have the answers you all seek….
And….
The solution to this Issue….
Stay Tuned My Friends…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Based on the “heinous” offenses decribed above…
If their is any justice north of the Red River…
I would say you all are looking at losing your ass…

NCAA: We are all waiting to see what you are going to do to the University of Southern California over the Reggie Bush Investigation that has been going on…..
How long now?

Or is it just us cheating folks in the South you like to jump on?

But before I forget to mention it…
“NO”….
I won’t let this go until I take my last dying breath…

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: My name is Claudie and I am 86 years young and I live in Lawety Florida.
I am a life long Gator fan and I think Tim Tebow is about the most handsome boy I ever saw.
If I was about 65 years younger I would give those girls in Gainesville a run for their money!
Claudie – Lawety, Florida

A: Why Lawety Miss Claudie!

Q: Now you gone and done it!
You still got to be a making the fun at Coach Fulmer!
He only the greatist coach ever to walk along them sidelines at Neyland Stadium!
We know why you done it too!
Cause you scared of Coach Fulmer!
Mamie Sue – Erwin, Tennessee

A: It’s not that I am scared of Phil Fulmer the former football coach…
I’m scared of Phil Fulmer the obese food pantry and donut ninja.

Q: Mike, where the heck has Hootie Snitch been?
Is he still a “guest” writer for your column?
Thanks!
Chuck – Lake Charles, Louisiana

A: Hootie will return soon..
He has been busy lately…
Believe it or not……
He is trying out for a show at Dollywood called…
“Who Let the Clogs Out”….

EDITORS NOTE: Admit it…
That song is in your head too, isn’t it?
Sorry….

Q: Mike are you serious?
Is there really such a thing as “The President of Texas”?
Barbara – Liberty, Texas

A: Barbara there will be after I take office…

Q: Mike we haven’t heard anything about your sister-in-law in a while.
What has she been up too?
Karla – Cheyenne, Wyoming

A: I haven’t gotten a letter from Cowboy Country in awhile Karla, thank you for writing..
As you might have heard, the Horn Paste I bought her last year on her birthday for her “calcium deposits” caused a rash on her head that the folks at the Clemson Veterinary School can’t identify yet.
However, the “corrective” sandals I got her for that one foot that looks like a hoof seems to be working..
Or as I like to call this little story: “A Win-Win”….

Q: Mike that video of the Evergreen State “Geoduck” mascot was one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen.
As if the picture you posted wasn’t bad enough!
Cindy – Conway, Arkansas

A: I know Cindy….
I think the only thing more disturbing would be if it crapped ice cream…
Sorry for the visual…

Q: Mike, How in the world is “Fighting Okra” supposed to scared anybody?
What are those folks at Delta State thinking?
Matt – Russelville, Kentucky

A: Don’t rush to judgement on this one Matt…
Have you ever seen “Boiled” Okra?
Its pretty scary…

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard,
I was readin the paper today and saw where the President of that college up in Obknoxville was real proud of his football coach, Mr. Lane Kiffin, about him shootin his mouth off, gettin on the front page of USA Today, and makin’ a general ass of himself.
He said Mr. Lane Kiffin was just misunderstood.
Do you think he was misunderstood or do you think that boy is about a brick or two shy of a full load?
Whenever I get in a situation where I could look like a butt horn, I just ask myself…
“What would Tim Tebow do?”
By the way..
Ain’t “Lane” a girls name? And would you like playing football in the SEC for a guy that may be named after a girl? And if he was named after his momma wouldn’t that make him Lane Jr.?
He does look kind of effeminate, you know. I don’t even think he shaves yet.
Tracy in Homosassa, Florida

A: That’s what I like about you Tracy; You’re a Philosopher.

Q: Mike what kind of team is the University of Hawaii Rainbow Warriors going to have this year?
Thanks!
Aloha!
Gary – Honolulu, Hawaii

A: Since the “new” coaching staff at the Uniersity of Hawaii dismissed graduate assistant Coach Brian Kajiyama from the football team, I hope they lose every damn game.
if they hire him back we can talk…

But on the plus side…
Dog the Bounty Hunter is back on the air…
Which I am most pleased about..

Only 83 days left until Kickoff of the 2009 College Football Season…
Lean into it..

RTR
MEB

I have received a number of emails over the last post concerning the Evergreen State mascot…

So permit me to answer those questions here..
“Yes” I find the Geoduck  mascot as equally as disturbing as you…
“No” I will not comment on “what else” that mascot may or may not look like..
“Yes” the Geoduck is their “real” mascot..

As evidence, please see the horribly disturbing video below..

Click here to view the embedded video.

And lastly…
“No” I do not think their mascot is “Cool”…

EDITORS NOTE: If you want a “cool” and “unusual” mascot…
Look no further than the Delta State University “Fighting Okra”..

You read that correctly…
See for yourself…

Stay tuned for Friday’s Update…
We will have….
The long awaited interview with the not so benevolent Dictator of the NCAA
Myles Brand….
More Mascots…
College Fight Songs…
News from around the College Football World..
And…
Breaking News….
On Phil Fulmer’s involvement…
As a “Secret” witness in the death of David “Grasshopper” Carradine…

RTR
MEB

It’s time to catch up on your college football news as a number of major colleges concluded their spring practice last weekend.

Stay tuned…
I have some news that will surely amaze you…
And Next Week….
We will have the return of our “Seven Questions” segement…
With none other than Miles Brand the President of the NCAA…
It should be “illuminating”…..

But until then let’s catch up on some emails and college football news.

Enjoy!

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Don’t start getting all cocky just because Alabama “finally” won an Iron Bowl!
How many had Auburn won before the Tide decided to roll in?
War damn Eagle!
Chip – Pensacola, Florida

A: You sure are mighty cocky yourself Chip…
I saw the scoreboard and thought I saw a Goose Egg up there…

Q: Dear Mister Wizard, I enjoy your pages and insightful writings. I like your picture at the top of the page. I wish I had me one of them robe out fits and matching cap, too.

Here’s my question. My Bull-Dawgs have done and got ‘em another top recruiting class, just like Alabama. We also got us a reeeeeeeeaal good coach, just like Alabama. We had us a pretty good season last year, almost like Alabama.

When do you think we’ll win us a National Championship, just like Alabama?
Lemual – Ludowici, Georgia

A: You sure you aren’t a Tennessee fan?
Because you write like a Tennessee fan, that’s all I’m saying.

Q: How do I go about asking Tim Tebow to marry me?
I kept a writing him and I found his phone number…
(Called him when I was drinking; Big Mistake!)
Then he went and changed his number!
So help me, how do I go about it?
I think he is hot!
Tracy – Homosassa, Florida

A: You already have a restraining order against you, don’t you Tracy?

Q: Mike, any crazy new college football news that we don’t already know about?
Thanks!
Glen – Blacksburg, Virginia

A: I don’t know if you heard about the man suing the University of Miami?
He believes the term “Hurricane” is discriminatory against men…
So in a knee jerk reaction, the President of the University decided to rename the team…

“The We-All-A-Canes”…..
Catchy don’t you think?

Q: Mike what is the deal with the NCAA?
Why can’t they seem to close the deal on the Reggie Bush investigation?
If the NCAA can find schools guilty without any evidence to support their claims, then it seems pretty simple that they could shut the case on Southern California after all the “evidence” has surfaced.
What’s your take?
Paul – Charleston, South Carolina

A: Paul it’s simple…
The Case against the University of $outhern California has dragged on because….
The NCAA has more tools within their hallowed halls than Lowes and Home Depot..
Combined..

Q: Mike, now that Phil Fulmer has left the University of Tennessee, could you find it in your heart to relay a “good” story about Tennessee Volunteer fans?
Please?
Melanie – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Sure Melanie…
One afternoon a University of Tennessee student was given a ride by a guy in his big Lincoln Continental…

The student noticed a bunch of golf tees on the front seat and asked..
“What are those things for?”

The guy said, “They’re to hold my balls while I drive.”

“Damn!” exclaimed the Tennessee student…
“These Lincoln Continentals have Everything, don’t they?”

EDITORS NOTE: This never gets old for me…

Q: Mike, I read that Terry Bowden left the ABC College Football pre-game team and has decided to coach again.

Do you know where he is coaching?
Thanks!
Susan – Opelika, Alabama

A: Terry Bowden took the position as Head Football Coach of the Sally Brothers Midget Clown College.

It is my understanding….
that he took the position primarily…
because everything at the college was designed for people of his stature.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS

ALABAMA: Bryant Denny Stadium hosted nearly eighty five thousand spectators this past Saturday to watch the spring scrimmage and witness the competition for starting quarterback.
If the offense can get pointed in the right direction and with nine returning starters on defense…
The Mighty Tide may Roll again in the Fall…

TENNESSEE: The annual Volunteer Orange and White game had nearly fifty thousand in attendance this year.

Prehaps the highlight of the afternoon’s festivities was awarding a Trophy….
To former coach Phil Fulmer…

I am not sure…
if the award was in recognition of his “5″ win season…
Or the fact that by leaving the university of Tennessee…
He single handedly dropped the crime rate in Knoxville by 36%!

Either way…
Congratulations!

EDITORS NOTE: There is no confirmation yet; on how many in attendance were law enforcement personnel, parole officers or bail bondsmen.

MICHIGAN: This past week all star basketball player and all around athlete Greg Paulus…
Strolled around the Wolverine campus to determine if he would walk-on as a future quarterback of the maze and blue.

This is what head Coach Rich Rodriguez had to say concerning the prize recruits visit:

“I didn’t meet with him…
But I can’t understand why Ron Paul would even want to play football..
I have seen him on television and he is kind of old, you know?
Plus he seems to have a career in politics or something already.”

EDITORS NOTE: After last years performance even Ron Paul at quarterback…
May not seem like such a bad idea if you think about it..

NEBRASKA: The Red and White spring game in Lincoln showcased Husker quarterback Zac Lee.
He clearly demonstrated that he is growing into the role of starting quarterback and leader of the Mighty Cornhuskers.

Converted Lineback Latravis Washington ran like he wants to be the premier back of the offense before 77,670 fans of the Husker nation.

EDITORS NOTE: I hate to be the one to tell you…
But the Mighty Huskers are Back…
You read it here first

TEXAS TECH: Ever heard of the name “Taylor Potts”?
He is the new captain of the Coach Leach offense in Red Raider Country…

Don’t worry fans you will know him well before the season is over..
Especially my Big 12 fans…

FLORIDA: Quarterback John Brantley led the offense during the Blue and Orange game for the National Champion Gators this past Saturday…
With most of the Gator starters setting out the game, this provided an opportunity to showcase the young talent the Gators have on the horizon…

Stated John after the game; “I think I have a real shot at starting this year…”

EDITORS NOTE: I Love the enthusiasm John…..
But I have “two” words for you son..
“TIM TEBOW”; now go take a seat on the bench…

AUBURN: New Tiger Football Coach Gene Chizik….

EDITORS NOTE: Pronounced: “Cheese-it” (Which is nice)

Proclaimed the War Eagle spring scrimmage a success!
and immedately ordered Championship rings for the winning squad..
No word yet on the parade….

WEST VIRGINIA: Quarterback Jarrett Brown “finally” has his shot at Mountaineer glory after (former) quarterback Pat White exhausted his 8 years of eligibility.

You will see a more “team” oriented offense this year from the Mountaineers..
That is loaded with talent…
Which is not good news for the rest of the Big East..

VIRGINIA TECH: I don’t have anything to report currently..
But, I do enjoy saying the word “Hokie”…
It’s fun to say even when you are alone…

NCAA: The ever diligent folks from Indianapolis have decided this past week to combine “both” investigations of the University of Southern California into one.

In case you may have forgotten…
The investigations in question invole Former Trojan athletes O.J. Mayo and Reggie Bush..
As you may recall…..
Both individuals are “alleged” to have accepted hundreds of thousands of dollars and gifts while playing for the University of the Second Coming…

Although both athletes “deny” the allegations…
The pair have placed the blame for their lavish lifestyle as college athletes…
On the “Trojan gift fairy”, who they are seeking…
Along with the “real” killers of Nicole Brown Simpson…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: In case you haven’t heard….
Coach Pete Carroll of the Southern California Trojans is releasing a book….
Called….
“Winning Forever”

It is my understanding that the book describes how to funnel money to players, while turning a blind eye and keeping those pesky ole NCAA investigators at bay.

I hear it has a lot of “How To” pictures…

ARIZONIA STATE: This past week the former head football coach of the Sun Devils Bruce Snyder passed away. His twenty year career as a college football coach included an unbeaten season at Arizona State…

He will forever cast a long shadow in the Valley of the Sun…

WEST POINT:
He was known as “Mr. Inside”…
Doc…
and as the 1945 Heisman Trophy winner…
But Felix “Doc” Blanchard was more than that…

Nobody will argue that he was one of the finest college football players ever..
The bruising fullback was listed at 6 feet 208 pounds..
He and Glennn Davis, aka Mr. Outside, helped Army win consecutive National Titles in 1944-45.

But my favorite quote about Doc comes from none other than Notre Dame coach Ed McKeever who was quoted as saying about Blanchard in 1944…
“I’ve just seen Superman in the flesh….
He wears number 35 and goes by the name of Blanchard.”

Drafted in the third round by the Pittsburgh Steelers…
Doc never played a down….
He ended up serving a long career as a fighter pilot in the Air Force.
Flying combat missions in the Korean and Vietnam wars…

We will not see another player like him pass this way again…

RTR
MEB

It’s time to catch up on some long awaited emails from you…
The Loyal reader and College Football Fan…

Before you read any further, I must confess…
I had no idea last week’s article would have generated such a diverse response…

More College Football News Later….
There will be news that will stun and amaze you…
I promise….

Enjoy!

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Mike I read that former Auburn Coach Pat Dye’s pants (complete with wallet) washed up at Lake Guntersville in Alabama; do you know anything about what happened?
Hank -Rome, Georgia

A: Pat Dye without his pants?
Well, that would explain why he has been on the radio and not television.

Q: Mike, How could you tell Phil Fulmer apart from the other jackasses at Mule Day?
Dennis – Cottondale, Alabama

A: He was the one wearing the hat….

Q: Dude, we need you to settle a bet for us!
Was Marshall University named after “The Marshall Tucker Band”?
Thanks Man!
Tony – Spartanburg, South Carolina

A: No Tony, it wasn’t…
But it should have been…

Q: Mike do you have any thoughts on Post- March Madness?
Charles – Lexington, Kentucky

A: Are you referring to Spring Football Practice?

The complete Spring Football Round-up Issue….
is another couple of weeks away from print.
But thank you for asking….

EDITORS NOTE: I am well aware what the question was referring too.
However….
If my beloved University has a basketball team I am blissfully unaware.

Q: Mike, last Season you correctly predected (until you had to leave us!)
91% of ALL the games played by Texas teams!
How did you do it?
You are Awesome!
Sandy – Arlington, Texas

A: It’s simple Sandy….
My Heroes have always been Cowboys…

Q: I read that Phil Fulmer was the Grand Marshall at the Mule Day celebration….
But you never said how many people it took….
To hold the ropes as he floated down the street?
Terri – Tuscaloosa, Alabama

A: Good One Terri….

Q: Now that you have revisted the international community and have achieved a certain sense of enlightenment will you take a more favorable view of southern California?
Solaria – Pasadena, California

A: It is because I have acheived a higher sense of enlightenment….
That I can say this…
southern California still sucks….

Q: Mike, I heard something about the University of Tennessee coaches luring recruits…
to the Volunteers by doing something called “Topless Recruiting”.
What the heck is that?
George – Gulfport, Mississippi

A: This term refers to the Tennessee assistant coaches coming out of the tunnel at the stadium….
and tearing their shirts off in front of the potential recruits.

EDITORS NOTE: It’s nice to know the Universty of Tennessee has cornered the market…
On young male athletes that enjoy looking at partly clad grown men..
There is no confirmation however…
That the potential Tennessee recruits also recieved…
a Kenny Chesney CD and a subscription to Men’s Health…

Q: Mike we will be visiting the state of Alabama this summer.
Is there anything that is a “must” see….
That we should include on our tour through your fair state?
The Driver Family – Chicago, Illinos

A: If it were me?
I never miss a chance to stop by the Fireworks Superstore…
Also Known as the Alabama – Tennessee Fireworks Superstore…
Located on the Alabama, Tennessee border.
It has everything you would ever need…
Gas, Fireworks, and Cold Beer…
This is just a party waiting to happen.
I am convinced if Alabama could get Mississippi, Georgia and Florida to join the “Fireworks Superstore” coalition we could shoot down satellites and end the war on terror.

Q: Mike, I heard that Phil Fulmer took his son “from another relationship” to Mule Days.
Do you have any information on the story?
Jimmy – Platte City, Missouri

A: Jimmy, a picture is worth a thousand words….
Enjoy

RTR
MEB

I want to apologize for the format on my first post back from overseas…

In case you were wondering…
The last post was “not” intended as an Eye Chart…

Glad to see is Hootie back….
(In a strange “Ripley’s Believe it or Not” kind of way)

But I honestly could have done without the picture…
Try not to leave too many comments for him…
It only encourages him….

We have a lot to catch up on so let’s get to it.

Enjoy your update!

TEAM SPRING FOOTBALL NEWS

ARKANSAS: Coach Bobby Petrino has transfer quarterback Ryan Mallett ready to play and if spring practice is any indication a major bowl game is in their future.
Believe it…..

RUTGERS: Nobody cares…..

COLORADO: Remember you heard it here first….
The Buffalos will be lucky to win seven games in 2009…
Beat the rush…
Start looking for your new football coach now…

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously….
You all aren’t on probation yet? Really?

BOISE STATE: The Bronco’s are reloading and will spoil someone’s New Year’s plans…
Believe it…

SMU: Coach Jones with another year under his saddle will have my once proud ponies back in the winners circle.

LOUISVILLE: Please See “Colorado”..
and substitute “Buffalos” with “Cardinals”.

TEXAS TECH: The Red Raiders will need to replace an outstanding quarterback and an ALL-World wide reciever during spring practice.
But I am betting that Coach Leach has a plan…

TEXAS: Two words for you: Colt McCoy…Enough said.

NORTH CAROLINA: Coach Butch Davis has the Tar Heels pointed in the right direction and if the injury bug doesn’t bite them…
The Tar Heels could be the team to beat next year in the ACC…

WASHINGTON: I still miss Coach James…
I bet the Huskie Fans do too….

FLORIDA STATE: What would football practice in Tallahassee be without a player being suspended?

Wide receiver Rod Owens was “Suspended Indefinitely” by Coach Bobby this week after Owens was arrested for DUI.
Least we forget…
This follows the arrest of five players (all receivers) last fall…
For their role in a noon-hour campus brawl…

EDITORS NOTE: I had a nice rhyme going there..

That led to the suspension of sophmore Bert Reed, who as you may remember was suspended three times last season for diffrent reasons.

EDITORS NOTE: The term “Suspended Indefinitely” in Tallahassee means you will not be allowed to play in (one) game against either the South Georgia Taxidermy Academy or the Breaux Bridge Vietnamese Hair Salon and Nail Institute.

MIAMI: If spring practice is any indication….
The Mighty Hurricanes are for real….
AND will be playing for the ACC Championship…

TENNESSEE: For the “That will be the Day File”…
“New” Coach Lane Tiffin dismissed defensive back “starter” Demetrice Morley from the team the team for violating team rules…
Is this a sign that Coach Fulmer’s “25 Strikes and your Out” policy is over?

Time will solve that mystery for all of us…

EDITORS NOTE: I honestly didn’t think Tennessee had any “team rules”…

CINCINNATI: The Bearkats are having an outstanding spring practice…
They are my early season pick to win the Big East…
Believe it…

NCAA: Seriously, do I have to MapQuest Reggie Bush’s momma’s house for you?
Because you know I can…

NCAA PART II: Is it just me….
But don’t you think if President Miles Brand of the NCAA had a different hair cut…
and a funny little mustache that he would look like Adolph Hitler?
Maybe it’s just the way he acts?

EMAIL Q & A

Q: Mike are the Tennessee Football players really suing the makers of “Pot Pies”?
Because pot pies are hard to light and didn’t give them a buzz?
That is too funny!
Nadine – Athens, Georgia

A: It’s true Nadine.
However I failed to mention the additional lawsuit…
Tennessee football players have filed a lawsuit against the Armour Food Corporation.
It would appear from the initial complaint that the football players are suing
for “undisclosed damages” from burning their lips on cans of Armour potted meat
while trying to light them……

Q: I know it’s too early to be asking you…
But I CANNOT take another season of West Point football!
Another year of the Midshipmen beating Army…
Is the drought against Navy going to end anytime soon?
Col. Martin – The Big Red One, Baghdad, Iraq

A: The day you see a flying pig will be a clue Colonel..

EDITORS NOTE: A “Flying Pig”..
is in no way intended as a reference to Wynona Judd..
or her commercial for American Airlines.

Q: Mike was that picture of Hootie Snitch “real”?
I can’t believe that is his real neck!
That was a joke right?
Dave – Columbus, Ohio

A: Dave why do you think he grew a Mullet?
Just be thankful you don’t have to buy him a turtle neck sweater.

Q: Mike what was the first thing you did every day when you woke up over in Iraq?
Tommy – Hollywood, South Carolina

A: Same thing I do back in the states Tommy…
I Remember the Alamo…

Q: The Ivy League has produced some of the finest politicians and leaders the world has ever seen.
Could you see fit to show us the respect our League is due this coming season?
Reginald – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: Well….
Darrell Royal invented the “Wishbone Formation”..
So what’s your point?

Q: Mike, what the Hell is the President of Georgia (Mike Adams) trying to do now?
Wanting to move the Florida -Georgia game to Atlanta?
Thanks!
Mark – Gainesville, Florida

A: Well, first things first Mark…
President Adams treated the GREAT Coach Dooley disrespectfully..
I don’t want to go into it here…
But he should have been publically flogged for that…

Then he tried to change the name of the game…
That has ALWAYS been known as….
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”…
To something “Less offensive…
and something “that doesn’t glorify alcohol use…”

IN fact (you may remember) when President Adams was in the process….
Of changing the name of the Florida – Georgia game…
He refused to accept “any” of my suggestions for the name change…

My Top Three Choices….
to Replace the name of the Florida- Georgia game…

1. Mike Adams can Kiss My Ass Party
2. The Day Mike Adams Died
3. Cinco De Mayo

So to answer your question Mark..
It’s hard to know what goes on in the mind of an idiot…

Q: Mike do you think Coach Rod will turn the Wolverines aroud this year?
Chuck – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Yes he will Chuck; 360 degrees.

Q: So what is Coach Phil Fulmer doing now that he is “retired”?
Chase – Columbia, South Carolina

A: Most recently Phil Fulmer was seen leading the parade as the Grand Marshall…
at the Mule Days in Columbia Tennessee…

EDITORS NOTE: “Mule Days” is in no way a reference to Phil Fulmer’s wife.
Although the last time I saw a face like her’s it had a bit in it’s mouth…

Q: Mike, I noticed in the portion of your website entitled…
“About your favorite College Football Prognosticator”…
that you are afraid of “Midgets”? Why?
Toni – Birmingham, Alabama

A: WHY? See the link below…

http://services.sled.sc.gov/sor/view.aspx?SRS=2649

Before you email me…
“Yes” the height and weight are correct…

This proves that midgets are dangerous….

RTR

MEB

It’s your old friend Hootie Snitch from Baneberry Tennessee!

In case you all done forgot I am the Number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan in the world!
Maybe even the unverse!

Before I tell yawl about my adventures, I got to get something off my chest.

I seen this local commercial here for the “Cell Phone King” and it made me made enough to spit!

We is a democarcy and we don’t have no “King”; unless it’s Elvis or Richard Petty.
That’s what we fought them Koreans about!
I think it is wrong as hell to have this man say he is our Cell Phone King…
So if this fella wants to be in charge of all the cell phones around here….
I say we have us an Election!
I ain’t opposed to having a Cell Phone President…

Speaking of elections, I need yawl to help my momma get in that International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame.

Holler at em and tell em Rowena Ratt Snitch, who is a loyal and devout Tennessee Volunteer Fan….
Needs to be in that there “Hall of Fame”!

http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org/

(Cause all us Ratt’s and Snitch’s…
 Are Tennessee Volunteer Fans! Hell Yeah!)

 Now on to something most of yawl done already heard of….

I done got myself arrested…
Yep I done it….

What happened was I was a “just” a talking to the folks in charge of that voting for the Hall of Fame.
Well they got scared or something….
 Just cause I found out where they lived and visted em in person.
That’s about all I can tell you cause my lawyer said I ain’t allowed to say nothing more.

But I will say this….
Whatever you do…..
Don’t show up at somebody’s house with spot lights and mega phones at midnight…
The Police come to my house the very next day..
I know Yawl done seen the picture…

I know what yawl is a thinking…
What happened to my mullet?

I had to cut it off cause I done burned it up…
In that “Fireworks” incident at New Years…

But I am a betting….
You ladies are gettin all worked up…
 over a picture of me with my shirt off…..
Am I right?

Hootie – Out!

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator is Back!

Before we catch up on lost times…..
I want to thank you all for your kind words in response to my article about Charlie.

I cannot begin to tell you how good it was to see him when I returned.
Simply put: Charlie is “The Man”.

I also want to thank you for your emails and all the prayers while I was deployed.

I greatly appreciate it and will never forget your kindness.

We have a lot to catch up on my friends, so let’s get started.
In case you were wondering, I missed you all too.

Enjoy your update!

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS (REWIND)

 At my age it’s comforting to know that some things don’t change…..
For example…
Coach Rod’s wife still looks like a ten dollar hooker and Kenny Chesney is still the Elton John of country music (Minus the classic music and talent). But there will always be those events that shock and amaze you and not always in a good way.
So, forgive me as we look back at the 2008 college football season and then catch up on a few email questions and answers. 

THE GOOD

FLORIDA: As the Mighty Gator Nation “may” recall….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator picked you to win the BCS Championship back on August 9^th.

EDITORS NOTE: No need to thank me, it’s what I do.

ALABAMA: An undefeated regular season….I didn’t see that one coming.

EDITORS NOTE: But I enjoyed it (immensely) from afar.

NEBRASKA: I told you Coach Bo would bring the Huskers back….
Congratulations on a winning season and bowl victory.

EDITORS NOTE: There are a lot more wins to come, believe me Husker Fans.

PENN STATE: Congratulations on the Big Eleven…I mean Ten Championship.

EDITORS NOTE: Glad you are feeling better Joe, we missed you on the sidelines.

CLEMSON: As I recall, the last time the Tigers had a former Alabama player as a Coach you won the National Championship.

Congratulations on a great choice.

OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes will be stronger this year than ever. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Yes, before you ask; that also means another win over Michigan.

FLORIDA STATE: GREAT NEWS! Coach Bobby has agreed to be cryogenically frozen and coach from the comfort of his liquid nitrogen encased stainless steel container through the year 2120!

 GEORGIA: How Bout them DAWGS!

THE BAD

UTAH: When I am wrong, I admit it.

I picked the Ute’s last year in the “Pre Season Extravaganza” as…

“Pretenders”….

I couldn’t have been more wrong……

EDITORS NOTE: I know what a “Ute” is now.
It’s something that ruined my Sugar fix on 2 January 2009.

TEXAS: Great season and a tremendous Bowl win….
But let me put this gently….

Between the Heisman Ceremony and the BCS Committee..
You all must feel like Jodie Foster in “The Accused”

 The Longhorns should have been playing the Mighty Gators….

OREGON STATE: Damn It

MISSISSIPPI STATE: I hate Coach Croom left…I really do.

MICHIGAN: You had a chance to get Les Miles, but you all wouldn’t listen to me.
The Wolverines misery won’t end with 2008…Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: I bet you all thought I was going to say something about Coach Rod’s wife, didn’t you.

 That will come later in the week….

TEXAS A&M: I still have R.C. Slocum’s cell phone number; you want it?

OKLAHOMA: Losing two games in a season would warrant raises and parades in most places.
But Norman Oklahoma isn’t “most” places.
The Sooner’s better crank it up a notch or two…

The natives are getting restless….

THE UGLY

NCAA: SOOOoooooooooooooooo

You have the time and resources to investigate everybody from the University of New Mexico to Florida State, but you can’t seem to find Reggie Bush’s Momma’s address?

 So just tell us this….

Who have you sold out to?
Was it the ABC network and ESPN?

That 350 Million dollar contract to broadcast PAC 10 football games lined your pockets nicely…..