It’s time to catch up on the latest news from around the College Football World.
I have added a few extra segments for your viewing pleasure as well.

Why? Because I care

Enjoy…

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS

BOISE STATE: The latest news from Boise Idaho “Home of Famous Potatoes” is that the Broncos and their hideous Blue football field are on probation by the NCAA for the following:
“secondary violations, which were initially found by BSU’s compliance staff and self-reported to the NCAA, and stems from 63 incoming players receiving impermissible benefits that totaled just over $4,900. The benefits involved, the school stated in its official response to the NCAA inquiry, “impermissible housing, transportation or meals, where an incoming student-athlete was provided a place to sleep (often on a couch or floor), a car ride or was provided free food by an existing student-athlete.”
The “services” rendered ranged from $2.34 to $417.55.
All $4,934 has been reimbursed by the five dozen or so players involved.

EDITORS NOTES: O’ MY GOD! Almost $4,934 between 63 athletes!
That comes to OVER $78.00 PER athlete!
I recommend they all be taken out and shot at sunset by the NCAA that will send a message!

AUBURN: Accused Toomer Tree poisoner Harvey Updike will now be charged with 6 additional Federal charges to go along with the litany of state and local charges awaiting him for poisoning the beloved trees on Toomer’s Corner.
I know this is quite the “hot button” issue for Auburn fans.
So let me be sure I have this right.
You can kill a child or a baby in Auburn or even a college student and there isn’t any uproar or Federal Charges or cries of “Hang Him High!” But the same trees that were adorned with Toilet paper after Barak Obama’s 2008 election get poisoned and there are Federal Charges?

EDITORS NOTE: The sad part about all this is…..
I’m right

AUBURN PART II: Part of the brain trust of last year’s national championship Tiger’s team also known as the “Dumbass Four” have been indicted this past week by a Lee County Alabama Grand Jury for armed robbery.
The four Auburn players Antonio Goodwin, Shaun Kitchens, Mike McNeil and Dakota Mosley are due to be arraigned in Circuit Court on May 26th. All four players were immediately dismissed from the team by Coach Gene Chizik after Auburn Trustee Bobby Lowder called Coach Chizik and told him to dismiss them all from the team immediately.

EDITORS NOTE: What? No Federal Charges? Good thing they didn’t poison any trees.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Last week it was reported by the Los Angeles Times that Southern California Trojan Coach Lane Kiffin had his head removed from his posterior in a lengthy surgical procedure performed at Mount Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles.

Unfortunately the above story is incorrect.

The Doctor’s at Mount Sinai….
Removed a shoe from Coach Kiffin’s posterior believed to have belonged to Al Davis.
I hope this cleared up any misunderstanding.

SOUTH CAROLINA: As you may have read Coach Steve “Tough on Crime” Spurrier indefinitely suspended (for the fifth time) Gamecock quarterback Stephen “I ain’t got no drinking problem” Garcia for showing up at a University Life Skills class so drunk he couldn’t hit the ground with his hat.

EDITORS NOTE: Coach Steve if you keep letting these players back on the team after you “indefinitely suspend” them, then I am going to start calling you “Coach Steve Fulmer” and the University of South Carolina: The University of Tennessee at Columbia Campus.

Just so you know.

MICHIGAN: In an effort to rid the campus of bad memories and what has been described as “bad karma” the University of Michigan athletic department has petitioned for the removal of the “Skank-a-saurus” display from the University Anthropology Department.

This display was named for Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” and has remained a cornerstone on the campus since Coach Rich Rod’s arrival to Ann Arbor.

The head of the Anthropology Department Dr. Derek Dingus Ph.D had this to say about the issue: “I understand the athletic departments concerns and we will gladly comply with their wishes. Frankly we didn’t want the damn thing here in the first place. We only named the paleontology display after Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” after the athletic department asked us too. I am glad the whore and her idiot husband left town. She always smelled like a ten dollar hooker that wandered into a Huddle House at six o’clock in the morning.”

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t know how or why you are familiar with that particular smell Doctor, but eloquently and accurately put nonetheless.

OHIO STATE: Let me be sure I have this right…….
So the Head Coach knew his players were violating NCAA rules, right?
The players knew they were violating NCAA rules, right?
And everybody knows the violation of such rules makes them all ineligible, right?
Yet they don’t have to forfeit any wins?
Not even the Sugar Bowl Trophy or a share of the Big Ten Title?

EDITORS NOTE:I have NO idea why I think the NCAA enforcement committee is prejudice against the South.
Must just be my overactive imagination, you think?

NCAA: Recently a “mock” infractions and appeals board was held for the benefit of the new NCAA President Mark Emmert. After the daylong meeting, meant to explain the NCAA process of infractions, investigations and the appeals process to the new president, the president of the NCAA had this to say at the end of the conference.
“The process is so complicated and has so many layers; it was too confusing to understand”

EDITORS NOTE: Let me simplify this for you Mr President.
If you are a College that resides in the South, Southwest or to a lesser degree the Midwest, then you are automatically guilty. Those teams residing above the Ohio River or west of the Rocky Mountains are presumed innocent. Please see Ohio State above for a ready point of reference.

*Noted exceptions to the above rule governing the South are those individuals who can pay and or bargain their way out of an investigation i.e. Roy Kramer, Bobby Lowder and John “Thunder” Thornton and Fat Phil Fulmer.

MINNESOTA: With all the stories about college athletes selling memorabilia and autographs for tattoos and other athletes getting “indefinitely suspended” only to be brought back to the team time and time again, it’s refreshing to know there are other athletes out there who are working hard just to get an opportunity to play college football.

One such walk-on athlete is doing just that for the Golden Gophers this year.
His name is Curran Delany and he is a Marine.
I hope new Gopher Head Coach Jerry Kill will give Curran an opportunity to play.
He damn sure earned it.

RUTGERS: Breaking News!
The Scarlett Knight football program still isn’t important.

INDIANA: Please see the above message and substitute Hoosiers for Scarlett Knights.

THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE DEPARTMENT (DOJ): Although I view this term as an oxymoron in this particular instance I find myself coming to their defense.
Recently the Department of Justice (No Pun intended) held a hearing with the NCAA to determine “why there isn’t a college football playoff for Division I schools”.

Clearly the news media outlets have done a great injustice to the Department of Justice (No Pun intended). What do I mean by that statement?

The news outlets continue to report of crime and threats of terrorism (Can we still use that word anymore? Sorry), revolution and world turmoil and I am suppose to believe that with the world spinning off its axis the only thing the Department of Justice (No Pun intended) is interested in is a damn college football playoff?

Say it isn’t so?

After all that isn’t even their job, right?

I thought they were supposed to be catching “bad guys”.

So surely the news media outlets have to be wrong, right?

Because there already is a playoff system for Division I College Football, it’s called the regular season. The Oregon Ducks are traveling to Death Valley to take on the Mighty LSU Tigers to start the season. After The Oklahoma Sooners destroy Tulsa they are playing Florida State and after the Ohio State Buckeyes finish their “Beat every small college in Ohio” Tour they will eventually square off against the Hurricanes of Miami.
The season is supposed to be about playing out of conference opponents of substance and then winning your conference. Not playing a college known more for taxidermy than for offensive linemen and counting that as a “Big Win”.

So either the news media outlets are all wrong (Which is entirely possible) or we have a bunch of gibbering idiots running the Department of Justice (Which is also entirely possible).

In retrospect I would say it’s a tossup.

STATUES and LEGENDS

Much has been made by the national sports media of the statues of college football legends being erected on campus’s in the South. Let me make this real simple so maybe (just maybe) even the folks at Sports Illustrated will understand it.

At the University of Florida the bronze likenesses of Steve Spurrier, Danny Wuerffel and Tim Tebow will always be Legends of the Fall and there isn’t anything or anyone can say to change that. The memories of their accomplishments on and off the field will last for generations.

In Austin Texas there is only one Earl Christian Campbell and a bronze likeness of him is in Darrell Royal Memorial Stadium. No one will forget Earl, not now, not ever.

In Tallahassee a bronze statue of Seminole Coach Bobby Bowen stands outside the stadium pointing to the end zone, the retirement home or the restrooms, no one is quite sure.
But to Florida State fans everywhere there will always be love and admiration for Saint Bobby.

At the University of Alabama all of the Head Football Coaches who have coached one of the Thirteen National Championship teams are represented near the stadium with a statue. The latest addition is Coach Nick Saban who coached the 2009 National Championship team.
The players, the coaches, and the victories from those championships will be remembered forever.

On the campus of Auburn University the three Tiger Heisman trophy winners are all represented with newly erected statues outside Jordan-Hare Stadium. There is the great quarterback Pat Sullivan and the one and only Bo Jackson as well as a statue of recent Heisman trophy winner Cam Newton. However fans may see a difference in how these particular statues are configured. While the bronze statues of Pat Sullivan and Bo Jackson are bolted into the concrete foundation, the statue of Cam Newton is on wheels; at least until the NCAA investigation is completed.

CONFERENCE REALIGNMENTS PART I

My friends I understand and I feel your pain.
Conference Realignments are confusing and oftentimes disturbing.
Over the next several weeks up until the opening kickoff of the 2011 Season I will attempt to provide you (My Loyal readers) some insight and logic into this process.

THE BIG TEN?

Let us first take a look at what was the “Big Ten” with twelve teams……
There are more than ten teams in the “Big Ten” yet they still call themselves the “Big Ten”.

EDITORS NOTE: Please don’t be surprised if the lack of simple math skills displayed by the “Big Ten” conference administration doesn’t permeate throughout the various student bodies rendering our future leaders the inability to perform even the simplest additions and deductions.

This may explain where our current Government leaders came from.

The “Big Ten” then took another step……
Rather than naming their respective divisions within the conference “East or West” or “North or South”, which makes perfect sense, they decided to confuse the issue further by naming their divisions “Legends and Leaders”.

EDITORS NOTES: If your “Gay-Dar” went off when you read that you aren’t alone…..

“Legends and Leaders”, What the Hell does that mean?

How about Liars and Losers? That would have been more accurate, don’t you think?

In coming weeks we will discuss how Colorado is on the Pacific and Forth Worth Texas is really in the Big East. Confusing? You bet it is!
That is why I hope to have Rand McNally as a guest on the program to help break this all down for you, geographically speaking.

COACH’S CORNER

Coach’s Speak: College football coaches speak a different language that is oftentimes difficult to understand, particularly if you are not use to hearing it.
No need to worry, that’s why I am here.

In this brief segment I will interpret what Coach’s say and what they mean.

When a College Football Coach Says: “It is taking him a while to learn the system”

The Coach means: “That boy is dumber than a sack of horse turds”

When a College Football Coach Says: “We have the highest graduation rate in the conference”

The Coach means: “My ass is getting ready to be fired”

When a College Football Coach Says: “We do not have a disciple problem on this football team”

The Coach means: “I have one Hell of a disciple problem on this football team”

Where are they now?

For those Loyal Michigan Wolverine Fans who are missing good ole Coach Rich Rod, I want to assure you that he is doing just fine. Currently he is playing with his Hasbro Electric Football Game in his Mom’s basement and designing various plays while awaiting a call from what he described as “a big time school”. Good Luck Coach! And as a side note, I hope those hair plugs have finally blended in.

His wife “Rita Rod” and one time Ambassador for the University of Michigan Wolverines is scheduled to appear on the latest installment from VH1 entitled “Bret Michaels and the Rock of Skanks III”

VIDEO VAULT

I often read commentaries from “sports writers” on how passionate college football fans are in the South and specifically the Southeastern Conference Fans. They will occasionally make fun of our traditions and even our fans. While most of them have never attended a game outside of Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, yet they come off as “experts” in all things related to the South.

Now I will be the first to tell you that I have had a couple of closer encounters of the third kind in Neyland Stadium and I have had my issues with some fans and students within the Southeastern Conference but I have rarely (if ever) seen such “Sportsmanship” exhibited from fans of a second tier school in a third tier conference.

Watch at your own risk (or as much as you dare) and stay Classy Tucson……

Click here to view the embedded video.

EDITORS NOTE: As a safety tip for those fans that conduct yourselves in this manner…..
IF you act like this in Death Valley on a Saturday night, you just might find yourself in pot of Gumbo….

New Programs on A&E Fall of 2011

It’s time for a shameless plug for my favorite network….
There will be a plethora of new programs coming your way this fall on the A&E Network, other than my personal favorite “Dog the Bounty Hunter” (I love those guys)

“Columbus Ink” follows the hilarious high jinks of some fictional athletes in Columbus Ohio who sell autographs and various personal athletic memorabilia for a variety of tattoos and piercings all in an effort to look cool and hip. Managing all the while to stay one step ahead of the “Investigators”!

The NCAA calls the new program” witty and engaging” and “laugh out loud funny”.

In fact the new program has generated so much buzz and excitement there is already a “spin-off” program being developed. It’s rumored to be entitled “Liar Liar Pants on Fire” and this program follows the miss-steps and misadventures of the kooky fictional coach of the athletes in Columbus Ink.

He dresses like a librarian with little round glasses and even with his innocent looks he is constantly running around telling “little white lies” trying to keep his players out of trouble and keeping their kooky shenanigans away from the “Investigators”.
His catch phrase is (while shaking his index finger in the air)……
“You GUYS! What am I going to do with you?”

The Columbus Dispatch calls the rumored program “embarrassingly funny!”

EDITORS NOTE: The original movie produced by A&E “Take the Money and Run: The Cam Newton Story” will be seen later in the fall lineup, as they are awaiting the final report on the NCAA Investigation to provide what the network calls “a tragic ending”.

There will be much more in the coming weeks to include…..

An Exclusive Interview with last season’s Heisman Trophy winner and Carolina Panthers Number One Draft Pick Cam Newton.

Email Questions and Answers

Hootie Snitch gives his predictions on this season

You College Football Preseason Extravaganza
And Much More….
So Stay Tuned….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Coming to you from the heart of Volunteer Country!
Right here in Baneberry Tennessee!

I done wrote me a Christmas Story and I got some other stuff too…..

It’s like the “Night Before Christmas”…..

But think of it as the Tennessee version…

It’s awesome as hell….

Yawl Enjoy….

Hootie’s Night Before Christmas

Was the night afore Christmas
And up in the holler
I was lookin’ for neighbors,
I needed a dollar.

The dog was all curled up
down under the house.
So dadgum cold,
shacked up with a mouse.

My sweatsocks were nailed up
on the livin room wall.
In hopes that ole Fulmer Claus
would fill ‘em all.

Now Thelma, my bride,
Was havin a fit.
Pulled out her last ciggy
She just got it lit

Said “Hootie, dadgummit,
I’m outta my pack
Go down to the store,
And hurry right back”

I was on my dirt road
And I heard a big racket
Reached down in my pocket
To make sure I was packin.

I peeked round the barn
Scared outta my wits
If its them Caufield boys,
I’ll blow ‘em to bits.

The moon was real big
I could see for a mile
The hog pen was empty
I was skeered for a while

The John Deere was shinin
By light of the moon.
I new Fulmer Claus
Would be here real soon.

Then all of a sudden
Heard a big Briggs & Stratton
Then I saw a fat figure
He sounded like Patton.

Hang On…..

I was a going to finish this but I slipped on the ice in front of the trailer house and I busted my ass.
Now I’m layed up and Thelma is raising nine kinds of hell cause I ain’t got the Pabst Blue Ribbon lighted Christmas sign up in the window and…
Our genuine lighted University of Tennessee Volunteers blow-up Christmas globe in the front yard ain’t got no air in it and it looks kind of saggy.

Then to make matters worse……

My in-laws is a coming for Christmas and they is judgmental as hell….
I know damn well they didn’t want Thelma to marry Ole Hootie….
And My Mother in Law makes what she calls a “traditional” Christmas dish….
What it is a….
Tuna Noodle Helper Spam Loaf Casserole

I don’t need to tell you when that thing is a cooking….
The whole trailer house smells like a damn Port O’ John at a construction site….

And if that ain’t bad enough…..

Thelma’s half brother is a coming too…..
Cody thinks he is some kind of singer and the family put up the money so they boy could have a album, CD or what the hell ever…..

I promised Thelma I would help “promote it” so here is the cover of the album….
So here you go…

That boy is cross eyed as a Siamese cat, ain’t he?

He don’t singer no better than he looks either and you better believe that too!

I know this…..
Christmas sure is complicated when you got In-Laws….

But enough of my complaining….

Merry Christmas Yawl and a Happy New Year in 2011 when the Vols are going to be Number Damn One team in the Country!

Hootie- Out!

Today is Thanksgiving….
To most people that means three things….
Family, food and football….
And not necessarily in that order…

We have a cornucopia of rivalries this weekend……
Overflowing with hate and discontent…..
Ah, Good Times…

I can hardly wait to dig in, but before we do
Let’s be thankful for what we have and not grumble about what we don’t have….

For example, I am thankful last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…..
was a rather “average” 41 and 11 or 79%, leaving me at 533 and 147 or 78% for the season.
(Noticed how I weaved the weekly statistics in so inconspicuously…..)

All things considered, we all have it pretty damn good

Happy Thanksgiving to you all

Enjoy your games!

Thursday November 26th

Texas at Texas A&M
The Lone Star Showdown
I remember the cheap shots on Colt McCoy…….
and the “down horns” signs by the Aggie players a couple of years ago…..
the bad news…..
The Longhorns remember it too….
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 43-17

Tuskegee at Alabama State
The “Turkey Day Classic” as it is known, has been played since 1901.
Which coincidently is the same year Coach Bobby was born….
GOLDEN TIGERS 24-21

Friday November 27th

Nevada at Boise State
This isn’t a rivalry game…..
It’s just and Old Fashioned Boise State ass whipping
BRONCOS 38-23

Illinois at Cincinnati
Some people are calling for a Fighting Pumpkin “Upset”
I don’t happen to be one of “those” people
BEARKATS 33-17

Rutgers at Louisville
After the Scarlet Knights lost last week to (of all teams…)
Syracuse…
The Jersey Campus was reported to have smelled like old pancakes and shame…
But then they realized they lived in New Jersey, which explained the smell.
SCARLET KNIGHTS 24-17

Toledo at Bowling Green
This is the Battle of I-75 for the coveted “Peace Pipe”
The trophy alone tells you this isn’t a fierce rivalry.
If it was a serious rivalry, the word “peace” wouldn’t be in the equation.
FALCONS 24-20

Pittsburg at West Virginia
The Backyard Brawl
The name says it all…..
Two neighbors battle it out on a chilly night in Morgantown
Light those couches…
MOUNTAINEERS 24-21

Northern Illinois at Central Michigan
This game isn’t a rivalry and it isn’t a backyard brawl…
It’s about Chippewa’s riding the Huskies like midgets in a rodeo
Sorry for the visual….
That disturbed me a little bit too..
CHIPPEWA’S 34-13

Wyoming at Colorado State
This rivalry is known as “The Border War” and it is played each year for
“The Bronze Boot”….
The rams get the boot this year, but not where they thought they were going to get it..
COWBOY UP! 28-17

Temple at Ohio
The Bobcats are playing well, but the Owls are inspired…
HOOT OWLS 33-21

Buffalo at Kent State
It’s Thanksgiving for Goodness sake….
Who wants to think about the “Golden Flashes” this time of the year?
Makes you think about Grandma getting in the dinner wine and flashing the guests
NO BULL 38-10

Nebraska at Colorado
The Children of the Corn haven’t forgotten……..
About the pasting the Buffalos gave them a few years ago…..
in fact they are still down right sore about it.
That isn’t good news for Ralphie
CORNHUSKERS 31-17

Memphis at Tulsa
I would care about this game…..
But the Iron Bowl is getting ready to come on.
Sorry…
HURRICANES OF GOLDEN 24-20

Alabama at Auburn
The Iron Bowl
The name says it all….
CRIMSON TIDE 24-14

Saturday November 20th

Florida State at Florida
This is the Sunshine State Showdown
It is played for the Governors Cup
The Tallahassee paper has reported this week…
Coach Bobby is “ready” for the game….
What they “meant” to say was ….
Coach Bobby is “ready” to go to the bathroom without assistance…
Not that this story has anything to do with Thanksgiving…
But it is the season of “sharing”, so I felt obligated to share.
MIGHTY GATORS 34-17

Virginia Tech at Virginia
In Virginia nothing is as important as the “Commonwealth Cup”
Which by my estimation……
Will stay in Blacksburg until Hell freezes over.
MIGHTY HOKIES 33-17

Miami (FL) at South Florida
Unless you have seen an actual Hurricane….
Loose in your house you cannot discount their power or destruction.
In case you were wondering, “yes”…..
I am referring to the Thanksgiving when my sister-in-law visited two years ago.
The Damage is as yet to be fully assessed.
HURRICANES 33-14

Oklahoma State at Oklahoma
The Bedlam Game for the Bedlam Bell
There is nothing more important today in the Great State of Oklahoma…
Not Births, not deaths, not bar mitzvahs, not anything.
This is it….
COWBOY UP! 31-17

Carson Newman at North Alabama
The quarter finals of the Division II College Football Playoffs
These teams played each other earlier in the season, with the Lions winning.
Different day, same result….
MIGHTY LIONS ROAR 34-31

Missouri at Kansas
This game is called the Border War….
It’s played for the “Indian War Drum” and the Lamar Hunt Trophy
Some still call this a “Civil War”, but make no mistake…
There is nothing “Civil” about this rivalry
MO’S TIGERS 38-14

Georgia at Georgia Tech
Sure, this game is for the “Governors Cup”
But this rivalry is known as “Clean Old Fashioned Hated”
That my friends, sums it up nicely….
YELLOW JACKETS 31-28

Clemson at South Carolina
The game is called the “Battle of the Palmetto State”
Coach Sweeny is an Alabama man….
And that’s good enough for me…
DABO’S TIGER 33-17

Grambling State at Southern University
The Bayou Classic
Have I mentioned lately that I’m a Coach Rob guy?
I have?
Good, I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page
ROB’S TIGERS 38-17

Rice at Houston
The Battle for the Bayou Bucket
My favorite pudding gets whipped in H-Town…
Believe it…
COUGARS 43-14

Arizona at Arizona State
This instate rivalry is affectionately known as the “Duel in the Desert”
And it’s played for the “Territorial Cup”
Which I think resembles a bucket of sand….
WILDCATS 24-21

Tennessee at Kentucky
This game has always been known as “The Battle for the Beer Barrel”
And the keg goes to…..
WILDCAT BLUE 33-24

Boston College at Maryland
This game promises chills and thrills…
Who am I kidding nobody is going to watch this damn game…
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 24-17

Wake Forest at Duke
Demon Deacons and Blue Devils….
Kind of sounds like Jimmy Swaggart holding his breath…..
DEMON DEACONS 28-24

North Carolina at North Carolina State
The Battle for Tobacco Road…..
The Heels have a tough defense and State has an amazing engineering department
Yeah, this one shouldn’t be too tough….
TAR OF HEELS 33-13

Texas Tech at Baylor
I doubted the power of the Red Raider’s last week…
I thank everyone in the Red Raider nation for pointing my error out….
I should have known better…
Lubbock is the Home of Buddy Holley…
Enough said, Peggy Sue
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 43-21

Washington State at Washington
This instate rivalry game is played for the “Apple Cup”
Please note…..
If your “rivalry” game has a flower, a fruit or any members of the “Village People”
In the name, then it doesn’t count as a “real” rivalry, sorry.
I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.
HUSKIES 17-10

Ole Miss at Mississippi State
The Egg Bowl….
Few rivalries outside the Iron Bowl are bitterer than this contest….
I can feel the heads of Mississippians nodding everywhere….
I wish I had better news Bulldog Jim….
REBELS 33-17

Syracuse at Connecticut
Not that I care because I don’t…….
But I have obligations too….
HUSKIES 24-21

New Mexico at Texas Christian
I can’t say that I have actually seen a horned amphibian ride a Lobo…
Not even on the Animal Planet….
But rules like records are meant to be broken…
(My personal motto….)
HORNED FROGS 43-10

Southern Miss at East Carolina
I have gotten back in good graces with my Hattiesburg faithful…
So I don’t intend on taking a step backwards at this point….
Let’s face it….
Few things in life are as good as Mississippi BBQ….
A man has to have his priorities….
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-17

Central Florida at UAB
What the hell is a “Blazer” anyway?
Something on sale from the Men’s Warehouse?
That’s a stupid mascot….
Everybody Run! Here comes a Sport Coat!
I don’t get it…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 38-17

Tulane at Southern Methodist
My Proud Ponies are a “win” a way from going to a Bowl game…
They won’t disappoint me….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-23

Marshall at Texas El Paso
Three simple words here….
WE ARE MARSHALL 31-24

Utah at Brigham Young
This is the “Holy War” for the “Beehive Boot”
I can’t say I have ever put my foot in a boot full of bees….
But I saw this dumbass in Michigan once…
Never mind those people from Michigan have suffered enough…
TWO UTES 33-31

Utah State at Idaho
This game is being played at the home of the Vandals….
I respect people whose mascot looks like a foam rubber Genghis Khan…
THE MIGHTY KHANS 38-17

Arkansas at LSU
The Battle for the four foot tall “Golden Boot”
The past two years it has resided in Fayetteville….
There won’t be a change of address left at the Post Office this year….
RAZORBACKS 34-24

Notre Dame at Stanford
The winner of this game wins the “Legends Trophy”
I am assuming by the title it has Knute Rockne’s skull atop the trophy…
Which is creepy…
CARDINAL 34-31

New Mexico State at San Jose State
I would watch this game but the Animal Planet has a “Thanksgiving” Special
On the dental hygiene of the platypus
Don’t laugh….
It will be a hell of a lot more entertaining than this game…
JOSE CUERVO 34-10

UCLA at Southern California
The Battle in the City of Botox Angels for the “Victory Bell”
Gosh, I would care, but I have to do my laundry, sorry….
BRUINS 33-31

Navy at Hawaii
This game reminds me….
I want to wish a Happy Thanksgiving to “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
I love those guys…
MIDSHIPMEN 34-17

I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving….
And a great weekend of college football….

Stay tuned…
There is more to come..

RTR
MEB

It’s time for the kickoff of the 2008 College Football Season and your favorite College Football Prognosticator has the answers to the questions you so desperately seek.

Will the Duke Blue Devils have more than a dozen fans at home football games this season?
ANSWER: No, they will not.

Is the theme from “Deliverance” the “official” Fight Song of the University of Tennessee?
ANSWER: Yes…..complete with a shoeless boy and his banjo.

Does Notre Dame have an “outside” shot at the National Championship this year?
ANSWER: They have the same chance of winning the National Championship as the boys from Menudo do of having a reunion tour.

Will some fans be in need of a liver transplant by the end of the season?
ANSWER: Yes, I just hope this year it’s not me….(again)

So, have no fear my friends.
I am here to guide you through the many cheers and tears of the 2008 College Football Season.

Enjoy Your Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday, August 28th

Northeastern at Ball State
Hey! David Letterman went to Ball State!
In case you were wondering…
That is still no reason to care about this game.
CARDINALS 33-14

Eastern Illinois at Central Michigan
I don’t care what anybody says, I still think “Chippewas” sounds like a fungal infection.
CHIPPEWAS 28-17

Indiana State at Eastern Michigan
Why did Indiana State name their team the “Sycamores”?
Is THAT particular tree suppose to frighten you more than another species of hardwood?
Never Mind…
EAGLES 38-10

Hofstra at Connecticut
I will never understand why a group of yankees decided to name their college after a butt rash.
HUSKIES 43-10

Southwest Missouri Baptist at Southeast Missouri State
My Ole Buddy E.J. Junior Coaches at Southwest and that’s good enough for me.
BEARCATS 33-28

Jacksonville State at Georgia Tech
I would watch this game but Midgets are Jousting on Pay-Per-View.
YELLOW JACKETS 38-13

Vanderbilt at Miami (Ohio)
Have you ever seen a Palm tree or Orange tree in Ohio?
They are such poseurs….
COMMODORES 24-17

Carson Newman at Concord
Concord as in the grape?
If the Eagles were playing “Boones Farm” I might feel different.
SPARKS EAGLES 38-10

Eastern Kentucky at Cincinnati
The Colonels will be reduced to Private First Class by the Third Quarter…
BEARKATS 34-13 

Charleston Southern at Miami
Why Charleston Southern you may ask?
Because the Clown College was already scheduled to play Florida State.
HURRICANES 41-6 

Wake Forest at Baylor
There is no truth to the rumor that Jimmy Swaggart will be the Demon Deacon mascot at home games this year. But it hasn’t stopped me from spreading it.
DEMON DEACONS 24-10

South Dakota State at Iowa State
The History of Waffles are on the Food Channel or I would watch this one.
CYCLONES 34-10

Oregon State at Stanford
I will not stoop to making off-color Beaver jokes this early in the season.
When there is always next week…
BEAVERS 24-16

North Carolina State at South Carolina
The Wolfpack have a new coach and a new look on offense…..
GAMECOCKS 27-23

Friday, August 29th

Temple at Army
This game will be like watching old people eat a cheap steak…
At first its funny and then it’s just sad…
BLACK KNIGHTS 3-2

Southern Methodist at Rice
My Once Proud Ponies are for real this year….Believe it.
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Saturday, August 30th

Youngstown State at Ohio State
If you think what the folks in Canada do to baby seals is bad…
Then you don’t want to see what the Buckeyes have in store for a bunch of Penguins.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-10

Akron at Wisconsin
What’s with naming a team “The Zips”?
Is that short for Zippers?
What does the announcer say? The Zippers are down in the first quarter…
That is just disgusting…
THE POWER OF CHEESE WHIZ 33-13

Virginia Tech at East Carolina
Doesn’t Lou Holtz’s son Coach at East Carolina?
That’s good enough for me…
HOKIES 89-0 

Coastal Carolina at Penn State
Interesting Fact: “Chanticleer” is Latin for, “A prostitute for a university or college athletic department. Willing to get the living hell beat out of you for a payday or paycheck for the university general fund.”
Coincidence? I think not…
JO PA’S LIONS 44-3

Bowling Green at Pittsburgh
I would LOVE to watch this game but the Muppets are re-enacting the Battle of New Orleans on PBS.
PANTHERS 27-17

Syracuse at Northwestern
I don’t care and neither should you.
WILDCATS 3-2

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously, nobody cares.

Western Kentucky at Indiana
If this was a basketball game it might actually be worth watching.
It isn’t…….so don’t.
HOOSIERS 24-13

Maine at Iowa
Why? My point exactly…
HAWKEYES 34-10

Georgia Southern at Georgia
I have only four simple words to say about this game…
How Bout Them Dawgs!!!!!
BIG DAWGS 31-14

Hawaii at Florida
I think the Hawaii mascot looks like Jimmy “Super Fly” Snuka….
On Meth…
MIGHTY GATORS 38-10

Southern California at Virginia
IF only this game was last year…..It would have been different.
TROJAN$ 43-21

EDITORS NOTE: What ever happened to the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and Southern California? Just wondering….

Villianova at West Virginia
What I wouldn’t give to have a second hand furniture store in Morgantown…
I would have more money than Ernest Tubb…
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 44-6

Utah at Michigan
Wolverine fans, I have some good news and some bad news.
The Bad news is that the Utah football team is better than you think..
The Other Bad news is that Coach Rod’s wife is going to “perform” at halftime…
Sorry, I really don’t have any good news…
WOLVERINES 24-23

Oklahoma State at Washington State
I like Coach Gundy. He can damn sure Cowboy up!
COWBOYS 24-20 

Towson at Navy
I have so many questions about this game…
What the hell is a “Towson”?
Why does Navy have a goat as a mascot?
Will William Shatner release an album of Donna Summer songs this year?
MIDSHIPMEN 28-17

Delaware at Maryland
What is the deal with calling your team the “Fighting Blue Hens”?
It didn’t scare Col. Sanders and it won’t scare the Ninja Turtles…
FIGHTING TERPS 28-23

Tulsa at UAB
I also don’t understand why the folks at University of Alabama – Birmingham named their team the “Blazers” and have a Dragon for a mascot. I have NEVER seen a Dragon in Birmingham Alabama: EVER.
But I did have this blind date once there….Never mind.
GOLDEN HURRICANES 31-17

Illinois State at Marshall
No Redbird can stand up to a Thundering Herd…
It’s a rule…
THUNDERING HERD 27-10

Appalachian State at LSU
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!
Sorry, that was last years ASU headline pick…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-17

McNeese State at North Carolina
I knew a McNeese once…
Jeremy McNeese used to dress up in his grandmothers clothes and light things on fire.
I think he gets out on parole in 2015…never mind.
TAR HEELS 34-14

Texas Christian at New Mexico
Life teaches us many odd lessons…
Like for example, I know a lot of TCU alumni.
Everyone of them is good as gold and a hell of a lot of fun.
I have met two New Mexico graduates recently and both of them are horses asses.   
Enough said…
HORNED FROGS 31-24

Mississippi State at Louisiana Tech
Coach Croom’s Bulldogs are the only REAL Dogs in this fight.
CROOMS DOGS 27-17

Chattanooga at Oklahoma
By the time the folks from Chattanooga hear, “Oooo Say can you see….”
They will down by two touchdowns…
BOOMER SOONERS 54-10

Louisiana Monroe at Auburn
What the hell is Monroe thinking?
WAR EAGLES 38-13

Florida Atlantic at Texas
By the time this one is over Florida will wish they were in the Pacific…
LONGHORNS 34-10

Eastern Washington at Texas Tech
There are few things as enjoyable as a Saturday afternoon in Lubbock…
Have I mentioned that it’s the home of Buddy Holly?
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 44-17

Florida International at Kansas
I think the folks from “International” come to Kansas so they can flaunt their sophistication…
JAYHAWKS 33-17

Western Illinois at Arkansas
This is going to be uglier than Prom Night at the School for the Blind.
RAZORBACKS 54-3

Northern Illinois at Minnesota
Why are Minnesota’s Gophers Golden?
Are they richer than our Gophers?
Does the fact that their Gophers are Golden somehow make them better than us?
I hate arrogant groundhogs…
GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-20

Memphis at Ole Miss
This game is the Battle for the Elvis….
I think the winner gets a Velvet Poster of Elvis…
Before he discovered complex carbohydrates…
REBELS 24-21

Western Michigan at Nebraska
Coach Bo will have the Big Red Machine in High gear for this one…
Believe it…
HUSKERS 38-10

Arkansas State at Texas A&M
The Indians haven’t had this much trouble since the Federal government showed up and said…
“Sign Here”….
GIG EM AGGIES 33-13

Southern University at Houston
The Cougars are Loaded this year….and
Southern has a wonderful Liberal Arts Program…
Enough said…
COUGARS 31-7

Louisiana Lafayette at Southern Miss
Just for the record…
I am STILL upset about Coach Jeff Bowers leaving USM…
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-10

North Texas at Kansas State
I would really enjoy watching this game…
 But VH1 is having a “Special” on David Hasselhoff: The Man, The Myth, The Music.
Times like this I wish I had TIVo.
WILDCATS 24-14

Tennessee Martin at South Florida
I think Martin is going to get a South Florida ass whipping…
NO BULL 34-10

Boston College at Kent State
I cannot in good conscience…
Pull for a school known for anti-war protesting and National Guard bullet traps…
EAGLES 28-10

Michigan State at California
The Spartans will keep this closer than you might think…a lot closer. 
O’ So Golden Bears 20-17 

Idaho State at Boise State
“Famous Potatoes” gets Mashed…film at Eleven.
BRONCOS 38-7

Illinois at Missouri
MO Knows Football……….
MO’s TIGERS 28-17

Northern Arizona at Arizona State
What do you get if you win this “Big” instate game?
A cactus and free maid service for a week?
SUN DEVILS 31-14

Washington at Oregon
Where is Coach James when you need him…?
QUACKERS 3-2

Idaho at Arizona
Everytime I hear about Idaho, I remember this girl from High School named Ida.
Never mind….
WILDCATS 20-10

Alabama and Clemson
NO Cream Puff Game Here….
THIS is HOW you start a Season…
Clemson has one of the Very Best Quarterbacks in the Nation…
The Tigers have a returning Offense and Defense that is second to none… 
I Dearly love my adopted Clemson Tiger Family.
You all know who you are….
I wish I was tailgating with you all right now..
Win, Lose or Draw…we are still family.

CRIMSON TIDE 27-24

Sunday, August 31st

Kentucky at Louisville
This game is alot like going to my wife’s family reunion in Eastern Kentucky..
There is bitterness, cussing and fighting….followed by hard feelings.
Never mind. This game is EXACTLY like her family reunion.
CARDINALS 27-23 

Colorado State at Colorado
While I am on the subject of my wife’s family…
Please be sure and watch my sister-in-law “run” onto the field as the Colorado mascot “Ralphie”..
Hey, I am NOT Complaining! We are just glad she is working…
BUFFALOS 31-28

Monday September 1st

Fresno State at Rutgers
If you really care about this game….
Then you probably didn’t have enough to drink during the earlier games..
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 23-17

Tennessee at UCLA
This game is like trying to decide who to pull for in a War between Iran and Syria….
VOWELS 31-17

Your Weekly Email Q&A and Team News will be presented on Sunday.
Only 5 Days until Kickoff…..

Enjoy the Games!

RTR
MEB

It’s time for our next to last installment of our College Football Spring Game Tour.
We have quite a few college football teams to examine along with the latest news from the practice fields, so let’s not waste any more time here.

Only 121 Days until Kick-off…..
Enjoy

LSU: The Reining National Champion Bayou Bengals may have lost some key players due to graduation and the NFL draft, but make no mistake. If Coach Miles can keep his star Quarterback in school and out of jail they will be contending once again for the Southeastern Conference title. Believe it.

TEXAS: New coordinators abound in Austin and quarterback Colt McCoy is healthy, need I say more?
The Longhorns are poised to take the Big 12 for the first time since Saint Vince brought home the National Championship.

OREGON: I don’t care and neither should you.

BEST PLAYER QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Florida State wide receiver Preston Parker and last years MVP for the Seminoles on his recent arrest on weapon and drug charges.
“At least like, I wasn’t tasered, like you know some players.”
EDITORS NOTE: At least you have that going for you.

VIRGINIA TECH: Enter the Sandman….The Hokies are loaded and if they can squeak by Clemson, they will have a shot at the Atlantic Coast Conference Championship.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Coach Carroll decided to make the Trojan spring game “Fun and Interactive” for the players and fans this year by having the players “Bring Your Sports Agent to the Game” which was sponsored by the Lexis Dealers of Southern California and the Reggie Bush Foundation.
SHHHHhhhhhhhhhh don’t tell the NCAA.

PENN STATE: After Jo Pa earned some “street credit” with his young players after a traffic altercation last year, he has dedicated himself to forming a tougher defense than previous seasons.
No word yet on when Jo Pa will release his Rap album.

UCLA: (See Oregon)

OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes were not suppose to even contend for the Big Ten, I mean Eleven title last year much less make a run at the National Championship. This year all the pieces of the elusive puzzle are in place with key players returning at almost every position and remember you heard it hear first……The Buckeyes will make a run at the title. Believe it.

GEORGIA: The Showdown with the Mighty Gators at the “Worlds Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party” may very well decide who will contend for the Southeastern Conference Championship…and beyond.
EDITORS NOTE: You didn’t really think I was going to leave UGA without a…..
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS!

NEBRASKA: 80,000 Husker Fans “paid” to see the spring game in Lincoln.
The Black Shirts may not be all the way back…but they are getting there in a hurry.

LOUISVILLE: Coach Steve Kragthorpe (Whose last name will be pronounced “Fired” if he doesn’t do a better job coaching than he did last season) spent the majority of the spring football practice teaching the Cardinals how to spell “D-E-F-E-N-S-E”.

COACH’S QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Coach Paul Johnson, Georgia Tech
“What the Hell? I thought I was coaching THE University of Georgia……..O’ God is this ever going to suck.”
EDITORS NOTE: Yes it will coach, it most certainly will.

WEST VIRGINIA: The Mountaineer fans are stocking up on furniture and lighter fluid this off-season in anticipation of another run at the Big East title under a real West Virginia coach.
EDITORS NOTE: I still don’t understand the concept of burning your own furniture after your team wins a game. I support it, but I don’t understand it.

LASALLE & MARIST: I understand both ladies had their hair done and hope to lose some weight this spring and summer and have a better outlook on life for the 2008 season.
Which is nice.

IVY LEAGUE: (Please see UCLA and Oregon)

Later this week Hootie Snitch will return to answer your email questions before we wrap up the College Football Spring Game Tour.

RTR
MEB

RTR
MEB

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Before I depart for a brief hiatus I wanted to leave you all with another story from the
“Here we go again Department” and this is no April Fools.

On the evening of Friday April the 11th, the University of Alabama had planned to have a pep rally before the spring football game in Bryant Denny Stadium involving the football coaches, players and the Million Dollar Marching Band.
This pep rally was to be followed by a live performance (concert) by country music star Alan Jackson.

As you might imagine, this event had been planned for months.
Eighteen months to be precise.

STOP!!!
The NCAA stepped in on Friday 28 March 2008 with “concerns that student-athletes (namely football players) could be potentially used to promote the Alan Jackson Concert.”

The President of MSL Entertainment, Mr. Shawn Garrity, who sponsored the event at the University of Alabama and 16 other university spring football games had this to say concerning the situation.
“The issue over player participation has caused confusion among the schools during this critical window of time in which they had left to properly promote the event. With valuable time being lost awaiting NCAA clarification, we felt it was in the best interest of all parties involved to allow our participating universities and their marketing partners more time to adequately prepare for this event, the largest college football celebration in history.”

The NCAA “spokesperson” responded with the following statement:
“NCAA rules do not allow student-athletes to participate in any promotional activities or appearances for a commercial venture. NCAA rules also do not allow student-athletes to receive free or reduced benefits, such as free concert tickets, that are generally available to the student body. These rules are in place to maintain amateur status of student-athletes.
According to our discussions with MSL Sports Entertainment, the company wanted to use the appearance of football student-athletes as part of the event. In addition, the organizers did not want to require the student-athletes to pay admission to the event.
While it has been stated that the organizers have been planning this event for a year and a half, they did not contact the NCAA to ensure compliance until last week. ”

So football players being introduced on the stage of a concert (without buying a ticket) is a NCAA violation? Even if the event is to promote an event FOR the University?
O.K., so let me understand this…….”NCAA rules also do not allow student-athletes to receive free or reduced benefits, such as free concert tickets, that are generally available to the student body. These rules are in place to maintain amateur status of student-athletes.”

That is kind of funny because I remember Dwayne Jarrett from U$C who lived in a $4500.00 a month apartment in southern California for a year and a half for “free” and the NCAA determined that “Dwayne didn’t know that he had to pay rent” and allowed him to continue his career at U$C.
And who can forget (Other than the PAC 10 and the NCAA) Reggie Bush’s momma and step-fathers rent free mansion and the free plane trips, cars, the clothes, the cars and the clothes. You get the picture.

This is a good time to remind you all that NCAA stands for……..
National Coalition Against Alabama.

“Hootie” Snitch will take over the column until I return.
Stay tuned I understand he has something “for the ladies” later on this week.
Be afraid – be very afraid.

RTR
MEB

Where do they get their investigators? Aruba?

RTR

MEB