Many of you, particularly those readers in Ann Arbor…..
Are reading the latest news from Columbus Ohio with a gleam in your eye and a smile on your face.

But before you begin dancing a jig and shouting “Death to the Infidels”

Let me draw your attention, if I may, to another institution that not only has recently broken the rules of the NCAA, but is currently violating state and federal laws regarding public universities.

Relax War Eagles I’m not talking about you.

Yet……

In the town of Eugene Oregon, more known for the Corporate Headquarters of NIKE, than for the University of Oregon, lies power, money and sponsorship run amuck.

“Rogue Booster”

This well worn term and phrase we consistently hear from the NCAA anytime there is an investigation of student-athletes seemingly doesn’t apply in Eugene.

Why you may ask?

Power, Money and Sponsorship

Let me be more specific.

The University of Oregon is the pet monkey of noted Duck Alumnus Phil Knight who happens to be Founder and CEO of the NIKE Corporation.

I’m sorry was that term too harsh?

I only say that because Philip seems to do whatever he wants, when he wants at Quack University.
From redecorating and remodeling the athletic locker rooms….

To redesigning the marching band uniforms and mascot uniforms….

EDITORS NOTE: Yes, I said marching band uniforms and for the record….
The “new” Duck mascot looks like a Gay Mister Peanut on steroids.

And I think we all know by now how Phil dumped the traditional Oregon Football uniforms for a multitude of “glow in the dark” reversible mismatched ensembles.

The funny thing is that really isn’t a boosters or sponsors decision to make, now is it?

But it gets better, but doesn’t it always?

You may be asking, “So what does that have to do with breaking State and Federal Laws?”

I’m so glad you asked….

This is how it works….
When you have a public university that desires to have upgrades to any of their athletic facilities, they are required to raise those funds privately BEFORE being allowed to get approval by the Board of Trustees and the State legislature to move forward on the construction or renovation of those facilities.

After all, it is taxpayer’s money that is ultimately paying for the institution, right?

So there has to be government oversight, right?

Wrong

This is how the process works in Eugene.

Recently the University of Oregon announced the construction of their “New” Football Operations facility, which is a multi-million dollar improvement project located on campus.

Do you think the University of Oregon Athletic Administration had to jump through any Governmental red tape or work through that pesky state legislature oversight before they were granted approval?

Don’t be silly…..

It was ALL handled quite nicely by Phil Knight…..

The University of Oregon passed the land title to Phil….

EDITORS NOTE: So, a public institution owned by the taxpayers can have the land title passed to a private citizen? Say, isn’t that illegal?

Then Phil, also known as NIKE builds the facility the way HE wants it with the contractors HE wants with no outside interference and then “donates” the completed facility to the University of Oregon.

This allows Phil and to a lesser extent the University of Oregon to bypass numerous contracting and competitive bidding requirements for construction of state facilities and then to top it all off; Phil gets a HUGE tax break for his donation to the university!

EDITORS NOTE: Say, isn’t that Tax fraud?

This all makes the Ducks NCAA violations of “hiring a recruiting service” seem like small potatoes, doesn’t it?

Why do they get away with it?

Power, Money and Sponsorship run amuck = Corruption

That same equation could easily apply to the NCAA too, don’t you think?

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

We have reached the end of the 2010 College Football Season….

In this last edition will have end of the Season Emails…..

A New Year’s message or two….

And the last segment of the 2010 Bowl Predictions…

To include the BCS National Championship game…

Thank you all for coming along for the ride this year…
I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you.

Enjoy….

END OF YEAR EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Hey Mister Wizard, I know Christmas is over (Merry Christmas by the way) but my family and I made a trip to Dollywood and seen the “Nutcracker”, it was a hell of a thing to watch!
If you ever get the chance you need to go see it!
Thanks for all the picks this year, we sure enjoyed them!
The Davis family – Union City, Tennessee

A: Thank you Davis family, for those kind words, however…
I refuse to see the “Nutcracker” because it makes me uncomfortable for reasons that should be abundantly obvious. In fact I am feeling uncomfortable right now writing about it…

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard –
Your description of esteemed Auburn University Trustee Bobby Lowder is inaccurate and offensive.
He is not a dictator nor is he some maniacal power hungry lunatic!

Sure he has fired an editor of the Auburn student newspaper, but it didn’t have ANYTHING to do with an article about him, hardly, it was because the kid had acne and grossed people out.

He not only is the PRESIDENT of Colonial Bank (Ever heard of it?) but he is also one of the nicest people on the planet. Sure he has fired coaches and hired others without the consent of the University, BIG DEAL!
He knows what is best for Auburn University, NOT YOU!

So what if he still pays coach’s NOT to coach, we have jobs for them like calling Bo Jackson to wake him up in the morning, so how about just shutting up about it!

Mr. Lowder is the kind of man that really cares about the student athletes at Auburn University!
If some football player from a disadvantaged home who just happened to have a father that is a Preacher and they get some “help” from Colonial Bank on a no interest loan that they know he won’t ever pay back and then they can just write it off, SO WHAT?

It’s none of your War Damn Eagle business

Sincerely,

Lobby Bowder – Auburn, Alabama

A: I can smell your fear from here “Lobby”….
I’m coming for you big boy…

Q: Dear Sir –
I have a problem and I hope you can help me.
My neighbors are “Tennessee Fans” and their children came out of the house on Christmas morning, wearing these horrible, glow in the dark (God awful!) orange clothes that were clearly given to them for Christmas by their parents.
Should I say something to their parents?

Charlotte – Columbia, South Carolina

A: Charlotte under no circumstances should you say anything to the parents.
The next time you see the children outside in such garb, immediately call child protective services.
That constitutes child abuse…..
Same can be said if a child is wearing Michigan Wolverine clothing….

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
I was downright afraid after I read what Hootie Snitch wrote about Fulmer Claus coming into your house for Christmas! Now I ain’t completely sure but I think he may have snuck in our trailer house after we went to sleep.
Is there a sign or something that would tell me that Fulmer Claus was in our house?
Thanks and a Big Ole War Dam Eagle to you and Yours!

Chip and Susan – Opelika, Alabama

A: There are two signs actually Chip….
Your dog is pregnant and there are orange boogers on the couch….
The good news is the orange boogers should fit nicely with the rest of your décor….

Q: Mister Wizard –
First we want to thank you for a year of prognostications and humor!
Secondly I was wondering if you could settle a bet in our family this Christmas.
What is your favorite Christmas movie? Is it “It’s a Wonderful Life” or is it “Christmas Vacation” with Chevy Chase? (Those are the two choices we came up with)
Can you settle the bet for us; a fruit cake hangs in the balance.

The Roger’s Family – Little Rock, Arkansas

A: Thank you for the kind and generous words Roger’s Family….
However….
My two favorite Holiday Classics are Billy Jack and Lone Wolf McQuade with Chuck Norris.
I believe if Chuck Norris would have roundhouse kicked Mr. Potter in the first ten seconds of “It’s a Wonderful Life” there wouldn’t have been any need for Clarence the Angel to go through that nut roll to get his wings.

Q: Dear Sir –
I am somewhat surprised that a Neanderthal such as yourself and being a Marine as well, that you haven’t mentioned a word about the President eliminating the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Policy” from the Armed Forces. This is a glorious day in our country when homosexuals can proudly come out of the closet and into the mainstream of the military and I am perplexed as to your lack of commenting.
We were all expecting some kind of crude, childish sophomoric remarks from you.

Claire “Butch” Dykeson
Gay and Lesbian Coalition, San Francisco California

A: On the contrary Claire…..
I too am greatly encouraged.
Since the Government has decided to turn our once proud military into a perverted social experiment, It has motivated me to push legislation to end the worst of all injustices in our society today….
That’s right….
I am talking about not allowing blind people to operate heavy equipment, such as cranes and wrecking balls. The policy known as “If you can’t see, you can’t drive” has discriminated against blind people for decades. You may say; “what if they strike the wrong building with a wrecking ball?” And to that I say, you can put a price on a building but you can’t put a price on injustice.
I say end the discrimination and let blind people operate heavy equipment.

Makes sense, right?

NEW YEAR MESSAGE FROM HOOTIE SNITCH

First things First…..
Hope yawl all had a Very Merry Christmas…..

Because you better get ready…..

Cause in 2011 the Tennessee Volunteers are fixing to be Number Damn One!

So Happy New Year Yawl!
GO VOLS!

Hootie – Out!

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO ASS FOR THE NEW YEAR
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

I was a thinking the other day and I wrote me a little poem about all the things been going on.

Here it goes….

Ah’s out by the pond, with an ice cold beer
Sippin dat brew, got a fish on da line.
Ah was thankin bout thangs, Ah saw on TV
On my old black and white, yeah, it suited me.

See they was a thang, on tha’ Eee-Ess-Pee-EeN
Said some Ohia State players, was guilty as sin.
Them boys took ‘em some britches, and trinkets and thangs
And sold ‘em all off, for what money they’d brang.

And ah got ta thankin bout the EN-Cee-A-A
And wonderin’ what kinda B.S., they was gon’ say.
Cause I member back, a couple a months
Bout that boy Cam, and some a his stunts.

Ole, Cam’s a big boy, he’s a helluba playa
Wore out dem Game-Cocks, ran ober a Gata.
But what stuck in my craw, was fore he came a Tiger
His daddy, a preacher, came off like a liar.

See there was some folks, from Miss’ssippi State
They wanted him bad, so he’d change their fate.
But HIS daddy Cecil, dat ole preacher man,
Was gon’ make ‘em pay, he wanted a few grand.

But he didn’t end up playin, over in Stark-ville
He signed with Auburn, gave them folks a thrill.
Now that left me thankin’, and scratchin my head,
How THEY got that boy, with no money bein’ shed.

But somebody got sump’in, ole Cecil cashed in.
Cause his church was in shambles, about to cave in.
But all of a sudden, ‘round first of the year,
His buildin’ was fixed up, all the church folks did cheer.

This whole situation, it stunk like a deuce,
Cause half the damn countrys, drankin’ Cammy Cam Juice.
One day he’s suspended, then one day he’s right back,
N-C-double-A, must’ve been high on crack.

They said that ole Cam, didn’t know what’s goin’ on
That his daddy’s at fault, just him that done wrong.
But the rules that they have, say any relation,
If they’s doin’ wrong, is gonna face some damnation.

So that arr’gant young buck, he got out and he played
Auburn climbed to Number one, and that’s where they stayed.
Gonna play Or’gon Quacks, gonna have a big bash,
Cause them College rules folks, all they want is cash.

So I scratched my head, right down to my scalp,
This whole situation, it aint worth a crap,
Cause what them college folks done, had no rhyme or no reason,
They need investigatin’, for fixin’ a season.

THE BOWL GAMES (PART II)

December 30th

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Forth Worth, Texas
Southern Methodist and Army
You are probably wondering why there is no security alerts issued for this game….
That there is no reported terrorist activity in the Fort Worth area…..
The answer is simple….
Chuck Norris lives near Fort Worth….

This one is for Dandy Don Meredith, the Mighty Mustang….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-17

New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Bronx, New York
Kansas State and Syracuse
This Bowl Game in the “Bronx” in December….
(How damn stupid is that…)
Was originally called the “Car Jack Bowl”
Which is far more appropriate than naming a Bowl game after a type of suit…
WILDCATS 24-21

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
Nashville, Tennessee
North Carolina and Tennessee
This Bowl game is sponsored by a mortgage company?
Well, you know what that means….
The winner gets a trophy….
And the loser losses a house….
VOWELS 33-28

Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl
San Diego, California
Nebraska and Washington
At first I thought the name of this Bowl game was a joke….
“Education” in California…..
They can’t balance the state’s budget because they are broke (Math)
They have a Governor that can’t speak English (Public Speaking)
A lot of people in the state are there illegally and can’t or won’t speak or write English rendering them illiterate (Writing)
The latest poll in Los Angles says that a preponderance of people there still think O.J. Simpson is innocent of the Murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman (Mental Retardation)
And if you ever took the time to read a California High School History book, let me break it down for you….America sucks and it’s all Whiteys fault.
Education in California….
That is a joke…

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 28-21

December 31st

Meineke Car Care Bowl
Charlotte, North Carolina
Clemson and South Florida
I have a question concerning this sponsorship..
Who is this Jewish guy and why does he care about your car?
DABO’S TIGERS 33-17

Hyundai Sun Bowl
El Paso, Texas
Miami and Notre Dame
There was a time this was one hell of a game….
But it’s not that time…
HURRICANES 28-24

AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Memphis, Tennessee
Central Florida and Georgia
I like Memphis, maybe because I’m an Elvis man…
Thank you, thank you very much…
SIC EM DAWGS 34-24

Chick-fil-A Bowl
Atlanta, Georgia
Florida State and South Carolina
I have gotten a number of emails from both camps concerning this Bowl.
Here is the question that will determine the course of the game.
Which Garcia is going to show up for the Bowl game?
Here is your answer….
SEMINOLES 31-21

January 1st 2011

TicketCity Bowl
Dallas, Texas
Northwestern and Texas Tech
I cannot in good conscience support a Bowl game when the sponsors don’t even know where the damn game is being played. The game is in DALLAS, not TicketCity (Which I think is a speed trap outside of Nashville, Tennessee)
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 31-28

Outback Bowl
Tampa, Florida
Penn State and Florida
Joe Pa’s Lions are better on paper….
But this is Urban’s last game as a Gator…
And it won’t be played on paper
MIGHTY GATORS 28-24

Capital One Bowl
Orlando, Florida
Michigan State and Alabama
The Co-Big Ten Champion against the 2009 National Champions
It’s going to be a heck of a game
CRIMSON TIDE 34-24

Gator Bowl
Jacksonville, Florida
Michigan and Mississippi State
The City of Jacksonville, Florida wisely passed an ordinance when they realized the Michigan Wolverines were invited to the Bowl game. It is illegal for Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife Rita to appear on any Jacksonville beaches in anything other than a NASA space suit.
Wise move….
BULLY DOGS 31-28

Rose Bowl game presented by VIZIO
Pasadena, California
Wisconsin and Texas Christian
This is a must see game between two outstanding programs…
I’m just not sure why a Japanese guy is presenting it….
THE POWER OF CHEESE WHIZ 28-24

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Glendale, Arizona
Oklahoma and Connecticut
The Boys from Connecticut are going to be introduced to…
A Oklahoma Ass Whipping..
Believe it
BOOMER SOONERS 43-17

January 3rd 2011

Discover Orange Bowl
Miami, Florida
Virginia Tech and Stanford
The Cardinal has too much Luck for the Fighting Turkeys
CARDINAL 38-21

January 4th 2011

Allstate Sugar Bowl
New Orleans, Louisiana
Arkansas and Ohio State
Everyone is picking the Buckeyes in this one…
Except me
HAWGS 31-24

January 6th 2011

GoDaddy.com Bowl
Mobile, Alabama
Miami (OH) and Middle Tennessee State
I dearly love Mobile and I would like to be in the Flora-Bama Lounge as your reading this…
However, what the hell are they doing scheduling this game the day after the Sugar Bowl?
I don’t get it…
REDHAWKS 34-17

January 7th 2011

AT&T Cotton Bowl
Arlington, Texas
Texas A&M and LSU
Before I make my selection here…..
It’s important to note that Jerry “dumbass” Jones helped move the Cotton Bowl from Dallas (Where God Almighty intended it to be, Amen) to his stadium in Arlington where the Cowboys play. I have on good authority that is why God is punishing the Cowboys and preventing them from going to the playoffs. Amen
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 31-21

January 8th 2011

BBVA Compass Bowl
Birmingham, Alabama
Pittsburgh and Kentucky
I am all too familiar with the litany of acronyms across the military spectrum.
However, it confounds me as to why the maker of a compass has to put his initials in front of it.
Never mind…
JOKERS CATS 28-17

January 9th 2011

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl
San Francisco, California
Boston College and Nevada
If “Kraft” really wanted to “Fight” hunger they would make those individually wrapped cheese slices easier to unwrap. Why the hell do those things have to be child proof anyway?
Its Cheese damn it.
PACK OF WOLVES 34-17

January 10th 2011

Tostitos BCS National Championship Game
Glendale, Arizona
Auburn and Oregon
No one is really talking about Oregon…..
Which traditionally isn’t a good sign for the favored team
However, I am going with the Southeastern Conference in this one…
And the best player money could buy.
WAR DAMN EAGLES 38-34

2010 Post Season……

I want to thank you all for reading my Prognostications and Diatribes this Season and I’ve enjoyed your comments both good and not-so-good, they keep me honest. I will have periodic updates up until the BCS National Championship game and there will be a post game review of the festivities. So stay tuned.
But before I depart I wanted to leave you all with a traditional greeting from my home country…
Happy New Year…..

Click here to view the embedded video.

God Bless you all and thank you again for reading.

ROLL TIDE
THE CFB WIZARD

Halloween is over and I hope that none of my beloved readers lost a loved one this year to the insatiable appetite of Fat Phil Fulmer when he emerged from the pumpkin patch.

But there were far too many “Tricks” and not enough “Treats” to suit me this year.

This coupled with the “signs” of the coming apocalypse made Halloween all too disturbing.
What do I mean and what are the signs of the end of the world you may ask?

The signs are all around us…..

Texas loses to Baylor….
(O’ the Humanity!)

Notre Dame loses to Tulsa and STILL has a television contract…
(How is that even possible?)

Syracuse continues to win…
(Despite my best efforts of picking against them)

West Virginia..
(Please see Texas above and substitute “Baylor” with Syracuse and Connecticut)

The Miami Hurricanes lose to Virginia….

The Navy Midshipmen lose to the Duke Blue Devils

EDITORS NOTE: Clearly Satan’s hand was at work in this game…
Is it a coincidence that “Blue Devils” beat the Midshipmen?
I think not…

And certainly the most obvious sign of the end of the age….

The Oregon Ducks are Ranked Number One….
I rest my case….

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was “Tricked” on Halloween…
(I admit it…)

I was a dismal 41 and 15 or 73% on Halloween weekend…
That leaves us at 413 and 97 for the season or 81% after nine weeks of college football.

Have no fear my beloved readers, this setback will not deter me
In the words of that immortal 20th Century philosopher M.C. Hammer….
“I’m 2 Legit to Quit…”

EMAIL LETTER OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mister Smartass –
We have been a reading what you write about Coach Phil Fulmer!
He only happens to be the greatest damn football coach to ever wear orange!

If I was you un’s I would watch my self.
I understand Phil Fulmer is six foot five and seven hundred and forty two pounds and he is ALL man!
Hope you enjoyed your little laugh cause Coach Phil is going to catch up with you mister!
Then you are done for!
Danny “Possum Face” Rogers – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Danny…..
Fat Phil Fulmer couldn’t catch me if they strapped his fat ass to a Saturn 5 rocket.

HOOTIE SNITCH UPDATE

As was reported last week…
The self proclaimed number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the planet Hootie Snitch..
Was scheduled to provide you readers with an update this week on his “celebrity golf tournament” in Baneberry Tennessee to “help his momma with the hoof and mouth disease” and provide commentary on the Tennessee Volunteer football program.

Unfortunately Hootie is atop the Baneberry water tower and has vowed “not to come down until the Volunteers win a conference game.”

However, I suspect his “Water Tower Vow” has less to do with the Volunteers lackluster season than it does with Mrs Hootie Snitch (the former Miss Thelma Stroderback) being rather upset with Mr. Snitch.

I say that because….
Hootie has stated that Miss Thelma can empty a bar “when she is a having the PMS….”

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“I don’t understand these folks that run the college football on television….
Why do they think it takes ten damn people talking fo’ three hours about a game we already know about?
It don’t make no difference if they was a coach or player or a water boy, we already know who is playing and what’s at stake in the game.

That’s why we is fans, which they don’t seem to understand…..

Them people give me a damn headache just listening to them go on and on and back and forth.
And they have some people calling the games on television…
They don’t know nothing about college football, its traditions or the history of the games and mispronounce the player’s names during the whole damn game.

I even seen a couple of women calling them games….
It’s bad enough they don’t know nothing about the game….
But they is ugly as a shaved rat too….
I tell you it’s damn shame is what it is….”

EDITORS NOTE: Wise words my friend….Wise words.

THE PICKS

Thursday November 4th

Buffalo at Ohio
I’m not sure why an NFL team is playing Ohio University….
Never mind…
It’s the Buffalo Bills, now that makes sense..
FRANKS BOBCATS 33-17

Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech
This game will be played Thursday Night….
Enter the Sandman….
HOKEY POKEY 24-21

Friday November 5th

Western Michigan at Central Michigan
This instate rivalry is played for the….
“CMU-WMU Rivalry Trophy”
How inventive…
CHIPPEWAS’ 31-28

Central Florida at Houston
The Cougars post season hopes dim as their injury list grows….
Sad, but true…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 34-21

Saturday November 6th

Virginia at Duke
Fans across the Atlantic Coast Conference have waited for this clash of the titans all year..
Not really, I was just trying to hype a game that nobody really cares about …
CAVALIERS 24-21

Air Force at Army
This game may very well decide who wins the “Commander in Chief’s Trophy”
Now…
If we only had a “Commander in Chief” to award the trophy
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-24

Dickenson at Juniata
Miss Emily Dickenson better be ready for a tussle on Saturday….
Because Juanita just got a new pair of pink “Baby Girl” sweat pants from K-Mart..
She is almost unbeatable in those things….
J-LO DOWN 34-14

Florida at Vanderbilt
The Commodores get shipped on by the Mighty Gators in Music City
In case you were wondering….
I thought that one up myself.
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Davidson at Marist
I don’t know much about David’s Son but that Marist is a real Fox
RED FOX 24-20

Louisville at Syracuse
I can’t believe I am writing this…..
OTTO the ORANGE 28-24

Baylor at Oklahoma State
Can you hear that?
It’s the Prairie Wind touching the boys from Wacko in the mean place….
COWBOY UP! 33-24

Idaho State at Georgia
Famous Potatoes gets mashed between the hedges….
And that’s a fact
DAWGS 38-10

Charleston Southern at Kentucky
The Buccaneers gets the crap bucked out of them in the Bluegrass…
JOKERS CATS 43-10

Ursinus at Muhlenberg
I like the Big German Girl in this one….
She looks a lot like the Swiss Miss Girl…
On Steroids
HELGA 31-17

Chattanooga at Auburn
This game is going to be uglier than a party at Charlie Sheen’s House
Minus the cocaine, hookers, midget clowns etc.
WAR DAMN EAGLE 121-3

Akron at Ball State
I wanted to see this game…
But my “Best of Zamfir Pan Flute” CD is supposed to arrive….
ZIPPERS 33-28

UNLV at Brigham Young
I wonder if there was ever a guy named Brigham “Old” …..
Just wondering….
COUGARS 43-10

Rice at Tulsa
I think the most appropriate comment about this game…
Comes once again from that wisest of all modern urban philosophers
M.C. Hammer, when he said and I quote…
“You can’t touch this..”
GOLDEN HURRICANES 28-21

EDITORS NOTE: That song is stuck in your head now and I am truly sorry…

Temple at Kent State
Saturday is supposed to be a perfect day for football…..
Or in the words of Billy Idol….
“It’s a Nice day for a White Wedding..”
FLASHES of GOLD 28-24

EDITORS NOTE: Not really sure what that is supposed to mean…
I purposely used this song to replace the rather annoying song I placed in your heads earlier.
No need to thank me…

Susquehanna at Worchester Tech
I had no idea the Worchester Sauce people had their own college….
Did you?
SUSIE Q 33-10

Colorado at Kansas
I had every intention of watching this game…
But QVC is having an hour long special on “Ant Farms for Fun and Profit”
BUFFALOS 24-21

Appalachian State at Georgia Southern
The Eagles will get the Statesboro Blues when the Mountaineers roll into town
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

New Mexico State at Utah State
There will be a lot of Aggies in this one….
But only one Pistol Pete
PISTOL PETE 34-28

Hawaii at Boise State
The national sports media is touting this game as a “Clash for the Championship”
In reality….
It’s neither….
BRONCOS 92-88

Navy at East Carolina
The United States Navy knows how to deal with Pirates….
Or at least they should…
MIDSHIPMEN 34-31

Nebraska at Iowa State
The Husker Nation is on the road to the Big 12 Championship game….
This game will not be a detour…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 43-24

Texas Christian at Utah
I have on good authority that Chuck Norris lives in Fort Worth
That being said….
Those two Utes better run like hell before they get a roundhouse kick to the head!
HORNED FROGS 33-24

Southern Miss at Tulane
This Southern Rivalry is called the “Battle for the Bell”
It’s played every year for “The Bell”
And “The Bell” will stay in Hattiesburg until hell freezes over…
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-10

James Madison at Richmond
I like the James Madison team and I will tell you why…
Any college that names their team after John Wayne is alright by me…
DUKES 24-20

Alabama at LSU
There is nothing like playing a game in Death Valley…
It’s what the Christians must have felt like in the Roman coliseum
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

Lenoir-Rhyne at Carson Newman
I can’t believe they spelled this incorrectly in the scheduling guide.
It’s supposed to be…
“Lee Ann Rimes”…..
But as a side note…
Why she is playing college football continues to baffle me…
SPARKS EAGLES 38-24

Boston College at Wake Forest
Two things you can count on in this game…
It’s going to be close…
And the Demon Deacon mascot will scare children and make them cry
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 24-21

Marshall at UAB
It pains me to write this…..
It really does….
BLAZERS 38-24

Nevada at Idaho
It’s funny how some words have different meanings….
For example:
You might pronounce that name “Ida-Ho”……
People in Obknoxville say….
“Ho-Down”…..
WOLFPACK 44-24

Wyoming at New Mexico
I would rather see Whoopi Goldberg naked than watch this game…
No, that’s a lie….
On the threat of torture and death I wouldn’t want to see that….
LOW BLOWS 24-17

U La La at Ole Miss
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt, sometimes you don’t
This week….I do…
FOAM RUBBER REBEL BEARS 43-17

Oregon State at UCLA
There is no doubt about it…
I believe in the Power of the Beaver…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 31-24

Oklahoma at Texas A&M
Honestly, I’m too nauseous over my Whoopi Goldberg comment to say something funny here.
I’ve already thrown up twice….
BOOMER SOONERS 38-34

West Alabama at North Alabama
This instate battle in Alabama is played for something more than a trophy or a catchy name.
It’s pride and bragging rights and that says it all.
MIGHTY LIONS 38-10

Arkansas at South Carolina
The Hogs will keep this one close……
Don’t be surprised if Coach Steve doesn’t lose his visor over this one…
GAMECOCKS 31-28

Troy at North Texas
I love the fine folks in Denton…
But why did they have to name their team after a kitchen cleanser?
MEN OF TROY 28-24

Missouri at Texas Tech
MO knows how to get his guns up….
After all, it is the Home of the James and Younger Boys…
Enough said..
MO’S TIGERS 34-17

Texas at Kansas State
I am going to say what we are all thinking..
Notable exception to this would be Oklahoma and Texas A&M fans…
“Damn it Texas, Come ON!”
Now that I have that out of my system..
LONGHORNS 24-17

Tennessee at Memphis
It’s that time of the year in Volunteer country….
When the Big Orange faithful don their finest wife beaters..
And drive their homes across the state to the land of Elvis…
It’s considered to be a pilgrimage if they tour Graceland…
VOWELS 38-17

Southern Methodist at UTEP
This game promises to be a shoot out….
But I have faith in Coach June’s Boys…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34

Colorado State at San Diego State
I would rather watch..
Hillary Clinton play “strip” Twister with Rosie O’Donnell than watch this game
Sorry I made myself throw up again with that one…
RAM TOUGH 33-31

Arizona State at Southern California
I would watch this game….
But Mike Tyson is going to be on “celebrity” Jeopardy
I bet before the first commercial break he bites Alex Trebek’s ear off….
LAME CHEATERS 6-3

Minnesota at Michigan State
This semi-ancient Big Ten Rivalry is played for the “Bucket of Lard”
And in case you were wondering….
Phil Fulmer is the poster child for the Lard Council who sponsors this event.
SPARTANS 43-10

Iowa at Indiana
Another Big Ten game and yet another rivalry trophy…
This game is played each year for the “Sombrero of Bacon”
It may sound tasty to some of you…
But I have on good authority it starts smelling a little gamey by April
EYES of the HAWK 34-17

North Carolina at Florida State
I still miss seeing Coach Bobby on the sidelines….
Wandering around aimlessly in his Vietcong hat, wielding goggles..
And wearing pants with a fifty six inch zipper.
Ahhhhhh Good times.
TAR HEELS 28-24

Virginia at Duke
This game is going to be so boring I listed it twice….
CAVALIERS 24-21

Northwestern at Penn State
Many of you have asked me this year….
After all the years of Coaching in Happy Valley….
What does Joe Pa wear to Lion games for “Good Luck”
The answer is:
Depends
JOE PA’S LIONS 24-21

Arizona at Stanford
I have a philosophical question that is unrelated to this game
If you can purchase a variety of “combination” items from the grocery store
Such as a combination “Mayo and Tuna” package, presumably because they go together.
Then why isn’t there a “Toilet paper and Ex-Lax” combination pack?
I’m just asking…
CARDINAL 34-17

Maryland at Miami
Last week the Hurricanes couldn’t generate enough wind to qualify as a popcorn fart…
That won’t happen this week…
HURRICANES 34-24

Illinois at Michigan
For those folks visiting Ann Arbor this weekend I want to provide a brief safety tip for you
Under NO circumstances should you ask Coach Rod’s wife Rita..
“What would you do for a Klondike Bar?”
If her answers were not horribly disgusting enough, she felt obligated to act them out…
Frankly what she did with that Sock Money was a crime…
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-31

Wisconsin at Purdue
Behold the Power of Processed Cheese by Products
BADGERS 34-13

Washington at Oregon
I had no idea The History Channel was going to have a three hour special on..
“The History of Macaroni Art” or I would watch this game….
QUACKERS 101-10

North Carolina State at Clemson
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
My Tiger family….
You must believe…
DABOS TIGERS 28-24

California at Washington State
The “announcers” for this PAC 10 game sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks
On helium…
I’m serious…
O’ so GOLDEN BEARS 131-0

Enjoy your games…..

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I know many of you are in the post Christmas wrap-up…
No pun intended

And I know…..

It’s difficult to keep up with the myriad of College Bowl games this year.

But this is no time to start taking laps around the anxiety pool.

We will start with a few email Questions and Answers….
Just to lower the stress level of the Post-Christmas season….

Then we will discuss the list of “Lesser Known” Bowl Games of 2009

But before we get to it….

I hope you enjoy
Your hideous tie from Aunt Martha and remember that “she can’t help it”

Please don’t complain about the gift from Uncle Todd either
Since he was in that weed eater accident that boy hasn’t been the same.

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas

Enjoy!

POST CHRISTMAS EMAIL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: OMG Mister Wizard!
Even though you don’t like him….(Frown Face!)
I heard Kenny Chesney was playing Santa Claus at the Music City Bowl!
OMG I am so excited!
Is that true?
Trudy – Franklin, Tennessee

A: I think you got your facts wrong here Trudy
Kenny Chesney is “not” going to play Santa Claus”….
He is “coming out of the closet”…..
Which is two entirely different things Trudy

Q: I don’t give a tinker’s damn if you publish this and Italian size the whole thing!
You need to stop making fun of Coach Phil Fulmer!
I seen him in that movie “Blind Side” and I think he is a going to get one of them Academy Awards!
I think it’s good too that the movie showed how he tried to turn Ole Miss in to the NCAA for recruiting violations!
Everybody knows Coach Phil kept everything clean in the SEC
That was before that cheating Urban what’s his Gator ass moved in at Gainesville.
So lay off Coach Fulmer and quit calling him Fat!
GO VOLS!
Rita Sue – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: May I assume Rita Sue you meant…
“Italicize”
But that aside, let me say this…
Saying “coach” Phil Fulmer isn’t fat is like saying
Siegfried and Roy are just “a little bit” gay.

In reference to the movie the “Blindside”

I guess Hootie Snitch has been right all along….
Phil Fulmer is part Snitch and Rat.

Q: Yo wiz,
Maaaaaaaan, my bro Nu’keese be gettin a bad rap all over bout that armed robbery thang up at Tenn’see a few week ago.
I’m a pimp & grew up down here to Apopka & a brotha needs to survive, you know?
I got Nu-key all hooked up wit bling & stuff & then he goes up to Tenn’see to play football & ole boy aint got no bling no mo’.
Well a brothas gotta do what a brothas gotta do. Heck, even the crackers sittin in that car was all good when they found out who it was.
So ya’ll all need to cut my baby brotha some slack.
Keepin it real and Happy Kwanzza to all my peeps
Nu’keenan Richardson
Inmate #5625433
Cellblock 10
Fla State Penitentiary

A: Honestly, I didn’t understand a damn thing you just said.

Q: Sir,
It is becoming apparent, based on the unjust scrutiny of the media, that my football team, the USC Trojans are once again being singled out and targeted by the elitist media.
I mean, c’mon, all this attention over a kid who is simply driving around in a “used” luxury vehicle.
Jeez, I wouldn’t be caught dead in something that old.
And although the payments are $500 a month, it has full collision insurance coverage, and she attends full time a somewhat pricey University of Southern California,
Mr McKnight’s girlfriend can comfortably afford this on her salary as a secretary for Scott Schenter and his many honorable business ventures.
So what if this young lady allows her “baby daddy” to drive this car on occasion to go to and from practice?
In the vernacular of our hip athletes, “Baby Daddy need a pimped out ride, too!!”
I would just like to point out that the USC athletics department adheres to the very spirit and intent of the NCAA’s rules and bylaws.
We’re not one of those Southern universities.
I mean, Mr McKnight never went fishing illegally, or cheated on tests, or sold text books.
He innocently drove a vehicle owned by a questionable individual who graduated from the University of Washington and supports USC.
Couple this with your incessant badgering of one of our highly regarded alumni, Reggie Bush, and you can see that there is undue scrutiny on our program.
So, with that in mind and the fact that WE feel no violations have occurred, we don’t think this needs to be self reported. But, we will look really hard at future escapades should they occur.
Respectfully,
Coach Pete Carroll
University of Southern California

A: Ah I always love to hear from Coach Cheat Carroll and his “squeaky” clean program.

But unfortunately the only people that buy your story….
Is the NCAA “investigators”

Q: Here in Cincinnati we are angry.
Coach Brian Kelly is a liar and a traitor
What’s the big deal about South Bend anyway?
You want to know the truth, here you go….
Notre Dame verses the rest of Division I
Yes, this rivalry dates back for as long as one can remember.
From the smug, self righteous, holier than thou attitude of the institution to the self negotiated TV contract with NBC.
From the indignant and obnoxious fans to the Talking heads of sports who annually proclaim Notre Dame is back……
After they open the season with a couple of wins over cupcakes and get beat by U$C by “only” a few points, EVERYBODY loves to see the Irish get beat…. Yes, even humiliated.
With Gerry Faust, Coach Ty, and, Charlie Weiss at the helm the satisfaction of watching Notre Dame fall to lower tier Div I schools & service academies has been more than satisfying.
And let’s hope the current trend continues with that sack of lying monkey crap Brian Kelly.
Troy – Cincinnati, Ohio

A: Let the anger go Troy……
You live in a city with “Great” chili
And….
He will get what’s coming to him….
I promise…

Q: Welcome to Candy Land!
I Just Love starting my letters out like that!
First I want to say I am NOT gay, O.k.?
But the other day I was surfing the net looking for kola bears in funny costumes
And I discovered that Jimmy Clausen is secretly peddling Penis Enlargement Pills on his MySpace page.
After discovering the following link……… (http://www.myspace.com/jimmyclausen ),
Upon scrolling down the page, there is a letter from an “acquaintance” of Clausen’s named “Savannah”…..
Who describes an incident in which she discovered a boyfriend’s Male Enhancement paraphernalia stored in a shoe box under his bed.
What she was doing under “Joey’s” bed we will always wonder, but none the less…..
The letter appears to be a veiled ad for a product from a website titled JATCE.Com. Mr Clausen apparently endorses this product since the letter has been posted on his MySpace page since March 2007. I do not know if this product has benefitted Mr Clausen to date, but in a recent photo of Jimmy in a Speedo, which you posted…..
It is apparent by the Ken doll-like swimsuit he was wearing……
That it has had no effect.
Just thought you should know
Ricky – Long Island, New York

A: Poor Jimmy…..
Liike playing quarterback at Notre Dame wasn’t bad enough….

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
I don’t know if you heard….
But ESPN has decided to add to the annual trophy award list this year.
Due to Florida Quarterback Tim Tebow’s departure from the NCAA College Football scene after this year…….
ESPN, in conjunction with Oscar Meyer and French’s Corporation will award the 1st annual “Tebow-Big Weiner” trophy annually to the top player in the country who has been overexposed, overhyped, and is thought to possibly have the ability to both part the red sea and stop deficit spending. Frank Bungerman, spokesperson for Oscar Meyer said that “no one in the country personifies the hype & hyperbole like Tim Tebow. I mean, greatest college football player in history? C’mon. But, the media has pulled this off like he were really Superman, Batman, and Obama all in one. That’s a media machine, baby.” Finalists for this years award include dark horse Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen who has engineered a 14-18 record and won the prestigious Co-MVP of the 2008 Hawaii Bowl and, of course, Lou Holz & Mark May darling, Tim Tebow, who has had more exposure and hype than anyone in the history of college football. Starting next November, there will be a link at ESPN for nominations for next year’s awards. Good luck to the nominees!!!
Sobby Sowden – Seminole Retirement Village
Tallahassee, Florida

A: Come on Coach Bobby…..
Is your “Golden Girls Gone Wild” tape stuck in the VHS recorder again?
Call one of those nice attendants at “the home” and they will dig it out for you…..
Isn’t it time for your nap?

Q: Question…..
Can you sing like a Duck if you were caught in a leg hold trap?
Dale – Conway, Arkansas

A: If you knew anything about me, you would know I hate the Oregon Ducks.

THE LIST OF LESSER KNOWN BOWL GAMES OF 2009

The Fleet Enema Bowl
Sponsored by Fleet Enemas and Colon Blow
Hershey Pennsylvania
This game is reserved for teams that blew it out their butt all year
Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Michigan Wolverines

The Cubic Zirconium Bowl
Sponsored by the Arab Mall Jewelers of America
Gypsum Nevada
The teams selected for this game are those teams……
That look really good when the season started but can’t cut glass when it really counts
Ole Miss Rebels and Florida State Seminoles

The Silicon Valley Bowl
Sponsored by Dolly Parton and Pamela Anderson
Los Angeles California
This prestigious bowl game selects their teams based on “Big” preseason expectations
Only to have them deflate half way through the season…
Southern California Trojans and Notre Dame Fighting Irish

The Flaming Possum Rectum Bowl
Sponsored by the Tennessee Department of Tourism
Baneberry Tennessee
The two teams selected for this game….
Are those teams with uniforms as bright as a baboon’s ass.
Oregon Ducks and Illinois Fighting Pumpkins

ACME Rocket Bowl
Sponsored by Coyote Ugly
Death Valley California
The teams selected for this bowl game
Are those teams that look good until you light them…
Then they blow up in your face….
Louisville Cardinals and Colorado Buffalos

The John Cameron Swayze Bowl
Sponsored by Timex
Piscataway New Jersey
As you might imagine the teams in this bowl game can’t seem to manage a game clock
LSU Fighting Tigers and Texas Longhorns

The HN 1 Bird Flu Bowl
Sponsored by Tyson Chicken
Little Rock Arkansas
The selection for this bowl game is done somewhat differently…
The teams selected for this game are done so on the basis of their hideous mascots.
Mascots that give the viewer the same symptoms as the dreaded Bird Flu
Evergreen State Geoducks and Stanford Cardinal

The Lamisil Toe Fungus Monster Bowl
Septic Tank New York
These teams hold the distinction of looking ugly and gross all year….
Just like that nasty toe fungus monster on the commercials….
Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Michigan Wolverines

More Later in the Week….
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Since that Bama guy that writes this thing is in Tim Buck Two…
I am a gonna due the rewind article this week and answer some of yawls emails.
He sent me some notes and stuff, but I am fixing to get my “wing it on”.

Before we get into that yawl need to know that I have been celebrating…
The Vol’s winning the Tennessee State Championship!
I know what you is a thinking too.
They ain’t played Vanderbilt yet….
Well don’t you worry about that we is gonna beat the doors off them Commodores.
Get it?

But just so’s you know, even though I’ve been celebrating….I ain’t drunk.
I don’t care what that police man said…

COACH’S QUOTE OF THE LAST WEEK

“Oregon played faster than we wanted them too be……”
Coach Pete Carroll of the University of Southern California

HOOTIE’S NOTE: No kidding Sherlock..
That’s about the dumbest damn thing I heard
since my cousin said he was going on eBay to find him a “good hammer”.
Elmer, if you is a reading this, they got a million of em at Home Depot, dumbass.

TEAM NEWS @ OTHER STUFF TOO

TENNESSEE: They way I see it….
The Volunteers ought to be the Number four team in the country…
Them Gators just barely got by us…
Then them cheating Crimson Tides barely got by us…
So, they way I figure it we IS the Number Four Team in the country and ought to be in the National Championship talking.
O Yeah, we is Tennessee State Champs too!

A-RABS: I don’t know why all them folks are worked up over that Mohammad fellow.
I went to Wal-Mart in Knoxville on Friday to get some more stuff for my restaurant “Snitch’s”
that is going to have a “Grand opening” in about a another week.
It’s going to straight up, awesome!
Anyway, I got off the subject…
This guy greeting people when you walked in, his name tag said “Mohammad”.
So’s I walk over to him and ask,“Why are folks blowing themselves up over you. Are you telling them to do it or something?”
Cause if he would have said “yes”, I was going to put a Baneberry country ass whopping on his ass.
But Mohammad said, “NO! I am good person, I am here legally, I am not a terrorist!”
Well it kind of sounded like that, cause he didn’t speak very good American.
So, what ever you crazy ass A-Rabs are doing you need to cut that crap out…
Cause I talked to Mohammad and he didn’t know a damn thing about it.

PHIL FULMER: There ain’t goin to be No Criticism of the Great Coach Phil when I run the article.
He is like a majestic Walrus, except bigger and with a crown and wings.
That’s how I picture him, so you won’t read nothing negative here about Coach Phil.

TEXAS: I thought the Wizard guy was crazy as hell when he picked yawl to play in the National Championship game..
But it looks like it just might happen.

VETERANS DAY: Now I ain’t never been in combat per say, but I have been married twice, which should count for something,…
and I ain’t never been in the military but I was in Webelos, so I had me a uniform.
But I got to thank all the veterans everywhere for kicking ass and taking names and keeping us free.

ALABAMA: It’s still ain’t right yawl got a guy on the defense that is bigger than three of our boys…
and that’s the last time I’m going to say anything about it.

OREGON STATE: Beaver Jim, the football Wizard fellow wanted me to apologize that he missed your game over them California people. But, I would have picked yawl, if it would have been me, cause I love me some Beavers.

NEBRASKA: I don’t know how the hell them Cornhuskers beat them Sooner’s but I am betting they is still celebrating down in Lincoln.

OHIO STATE: I don’t know who woke them Buckeyes up, but they are tougher than my momma’s pan fried steak.

FLORIDA STATE: I don’t want to say Coach Bobby is getting old, but he was coaching at Florida State before it was a State.

MICHIGAN: The Wizard guy wanted me to say something about the Wolverines losing to Purdue at home for the first time since 1966, but I want to say something about that Michigan Coach’s wife.
That gal is uglier than homemade soap. I saw her on the Television last week, and my damn watch stopped.

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: The Horned Frogs are ranked the highest since 1956, hell fire I wasn’t even born then.

OREGON: So last week you beat them Trojans like a rented mule and this week you lost to team with a foam rubber tree mascot. What the hell is a going on up there?
Don’t nobody want to win yawls damn conference title?

NAVY: “Mister Wizard” didn’t pick yawl, which is stupid. I would have picked you to beat Notre Dame and I’ll tell you why.
The Navy has them SEALS and they are a bunch of bad asses, I know I seen the movie.
So of course they gonna beat some Leprechauns ass. That pick would have been easy for ole Hootie.

IOWA: I can’t believe yawl lost to a direction on the map, just another reason why the Vol’s ought to be ranked in front of them.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I got to agree with that Alabama Wizard guy, yawl should be on damn NCAA probation by now.
It’ don’t help that Coach Pete, rhymes with “Cheat”

EMAIL QUESTIONS @ ANSWERS WITH HOOTIE

Q: Dear Sir,
I just wanted to convey to you and your informed readership of a recent development that arose after the annual “Not The World’s Largest Cocktail Party Anymore Due to Political Correctness” game between the Bulldogs from somewhere and the Grand and Glorious University of Florida Gators led by the Esteemed and World Reknowned Tim Tebow. There was a fairly inconspicuous incident that occurred on the field of play in which it was alleged that Brandon Spikes tried to poke an opposing players’ eye. As I said, “alleged.” Well, I must say that had there not been numerous replays by ESPN that no one would have ever noticed anything had happened. But, nooooooooooooo, ESPN gets a clip of a players hand from the Esteemed and Pre-eminent University of Florida entering the face mask of an opposing player and it is automatically assumed that Mr Brandon Spikes is up to no good. I can personally attest that after reviewing said play I feel that he was either trying to help adjust the opposing players contact lens or perhaps was wiping his nose, since, as you know, it is flu season.
After the media circus that was created by this obviously misinterpreted incident I recommended that Mr Spikes be suspended for the first half of the game with Vanderbilt. Soon after this announcement, for some reason, there was another uproar. Well, thank goodness that Mr Spikes saw the situation and suspended himself for the entire game. I hope this satisfies the bloodlust inspired by inferior rival schools due to the jealousy of the University of Florida being anointed as the SEC representative to the National Championship.
By the way, if you saw the illustrious Mr Spikes on the sideline of the Florida-Vandy game, he was clean shaven and no longer looks like a thug.
Thank you Mr Spikes for your assistance.
Mike Slive
President
Southeastern Conference

A: Mister President Slive that is how them damn Gators beat us Volunteers by a bunch of eye grabbing and God knows what else. Can you see fit, since you’re the President and all to give us that game since they was a cheating? Also, them Crimson Tides got a guy named after a Mountain that is bigger than a new Buick. That ain’t right neither.

Q: Dear Sir,
I’ve been watching that Notre Dame team get beat all over the place by Navy. I mean, here’s a team with practically their own TV network, the sports outlets are always going ga-ga over them, and they’re getting beat by a service academy. Not being disrespectful to service academies, but, I mean, what the hell? I just think that they’re seriously overrated.
In fact, I think their name is about right. I don’t know what an “Ire” is, but they’re not good enough to be called a regulare “Ire”.
I think they’re just Ire-ish.
What do you think?
Timmy the Trojan, Los Angeles, California

A: I tell you what ole Hootie thinks….
You damn Trojan fans are always acting like yawl got your monkey chapped over one thing or another.
Bunch of damn cry babies is what I think…
But here’s something for your chapped monkey…

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
I was sittin here watchin Mr Mark May slobberin all over that cheatin Pete Carroll
after U$C Squeaked by Arizona State & I have a question.
Why does mark May wear glasses without any lenses in them?
I was just wondering cause you can see a reflection on the frame but not on any lenses.
Does he wear them like goggles in case Mr Lou Holtz slobber’s on him or is it cause he thinks wearing glasses that’s for decorations makes him look smart?
I really don’t think he’s very smart if you ask me.
I mean, he tried to make a big deal out of U$C squeaking by Notre Dumb even though they aren’t very good. What do you think?
Steve – Platte City, Missouri

A: That’s a damn fine question..
I am a guessing it’s because he wants to “look smart”.
Cause I will tell you, when Mark May starts making sense to you, it’s a sure sign that you’ve had too much to drink.

Q: You no take me serious!
Now Navy Beat Irish and that all we hear about!
I see Navy Goat mascot everywhere and it offend me and honorable family!
It even on Weather Channel!
I want NCAA to change Navy mascot, they change other schools because of offense!
I honorable business man and give you photo of my restaurant!
Send me NCAA address to change navy mascot!
Ding Dung – San Francisco, California

A: I ain’t trying to tell you your business…..
But you couldn’t get somebody down South to eat in a place with name like that at gunpoint.
Kind of made me sick just looking at it..

Q: Who in the hell do you think you are?
You picked the Trojans to lose two games or “more” this year and they do, just like you picked Oklahoma to do the same.
You picked TCU and Boise State to be undefeated and they still are…
You picked Alabama and Florida to meet in Atlanta and they will…
You picked Texas to go to the National Championship game and it looks like they are on their way.
Just who do you think you are?
James – Atlanta, Georgia

A: I don’t know who he is neither…
But I heard that Wizard guy was part Secret agent and part Transformer.

Stay tuned cause I’m goin to have me an update on my “Grand Opening” of Snitch’s.

The Wizard says them picks will be out later in the week too.

Yawl have a good week now, you hear?

Hootie – Out!

I ask you….
Who got treats and who got tricked this weekend?

The Homers of Indiana certainly got “tricked” into believing a two touchdown lead was enough to beat the Iowa Hawkeyes.

And the South Carolina Gamecocks had more than enough “Butterfingers” to start the game in Knoxville, which counted as a tasty “treat” for the Volunteers.

But perhaps the best treat of all was watching the Trojans get the hell quacked of them.

Let’s take a look back at the Halloween games and answer a few of your emails….

Don’t be afraid, there’s nothing to be scared of…

TEAM NEWS

PENN STATE: In an effort to eliminate any reference to a “cross”, the “six” students that protested the recent student T-shirt promoting the Lion football team, will ceremoniously burn all Christopher Cross records on the Happy Valley campus.

TENNESSEE: I had a feeling the Volunteers were going to have a “uniform” change…
My Gay-Dar was going off before kickoff…

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously, the black jerseys look stupid, just so you know.

GEORGIA: See “Tennessee” above and substitute “Helmets” for jerseys.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

OREGON STATE: Beaver Jim, I finally got one right…..

ILLINOIS: What was I thinking going against the “Fighting Pumpkins” on Halloween?

NORTH ALABAMA: The Lions of Florence are for real this year….
Is another National Championship in their future? I sure hope so…

VIRGINIA TECH: It’s getting close to Thanksgiving..
So you Turkeys better get it together or you your season is going to be cooked.

AUBURN: Didn’t I tell you the Tigers would beat Ole Miss? Who loves you?

WEST VIRGINIA: Come on Mountaineers, there are people in Morgantown with couches that need to be burned.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! You got quacked!

TEXAS: I don’t think the “Prairie Wind” touched any of the Mighty Longhorns on Saturday Night.
The questions, can anybody else touch them before the Big 12 Championship game?

EDITORS NOTE: The above was in no way a reference to MC Hammer, so you can’t touch this..

OREGON: Quack Attack, indeed. Congratulations.

LSU: For my Mighty Tiger fans in honor of Halloween….

Click here to view the embedded video.

CHATTANOOGA: Nice win Moccasins, very nice win.

MICHIGAN: It was erroneously reported that Coach Rod’s wife was dressed as a “witch” on Halloween
for the wolverine game with Illinois. This is incorrect and hurtful.
She was dressed as herself, she just looks and acts like a witch, there’s a difference.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: I guess the Bulldogs did tree the Cats, sorry I doubted you Bully.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Pete, you want a quacker? HAAAAAAAAAA!

NCAA: Now that your media sweethearts won’t be eligible for the National Championship…
You think we might find out what the status is on that big “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

EMAIL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: Dear sir
I have been really angered by the obviously biased calls for the best coach that ever lived, Bobby Bowden, to retire.
I watched the entire GREAT triumph over NC State today and I am certain that Coach Bowden acts like a coach better than anyone around.
Did you see him waive his hands and point? Just like a normal coach would do.
Did you see him get excited and break into a little bit of a geezer trot when he was trying to get Damotok’s attention?
Joe Pa’s not even that fast.
Now I will give you the fact that he did look a little disoriented when he walked out on the field for the post game handshake but, hey, he knew he was supposed to do something when the final gun sounded!! So, leave my Coach alone all you naysayers!
Solomon in Sopchopee

A: Bobby is so old he remembers when being “disoriented” meant you got lost in Tokyo.

Q: Dear Sir,
There’s been all kind of stories going around but one has left me scratching my head.
Is it true that my beloved Dawgs had a couple of drives stall yesterday because our quarterback, Joe Cox, has a revoked license?
Just wondering
Lemuel in Ludowici

A: The Cocktail Party’s over Lemuel, back away from the alcohol.

Q: Dear Sir,
I just want to let you know that my Georgia State Panthers kick off their inaugural season next year!!! Our head coach, Bill Curry, is cooking up something extra special cause our first game is against those Alabama Crimson Tide boys!!!
I’m looking for a big win there and maybe an undefeated season!!
Then its National Championship time!!!
Only 309 days til kickoff!
Albert in Alpharetta

A: Does the term “Beat Down of a Lifetime” mean anything to you Albert?

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
This week while we’ve been practicing I’ve been seeing all these pictures all over the place. In the locker room, in the weight room, heck, even in the bathroom stalls there are pictures of Florida beating us, pictures of the scoreboard of the 49-10 beat down we took, and even Urban Myers calling timeout. So, I’ve just got this to say.
I’m convinced. In fact I’m so convinced that I’ve called Gainesville and talked to them about transferring. Heck, Tebow leaves this year and they’ll need a new quarterback next year. Do you think that I’ve got any eligibility left if I leave now?
Thanks
Joe Cox

A: It’s over Joe, just let it go…..

Q: Mike, I hate to ask…
But what costume did Hootie Snitch wear on Halloween this year?
Chip – Pensacola, Florida

A: I didn’t see it Chip….
But I was told it looked like a unicorn wearing a gimp mask….
Sorry for the visual.

Q: As commissioner of the Southeastern Conference, I would appreciate if you would publish this letter on your popular website:
To all,
I would just like to thank you for making this one of the most exciting football seasons in recent Florida Gator history. We here at the SEC, in an attempt to maintain our superiority over other conferences in the country, would just like to fill you in on our exciting new policy. Our intent is to make sure we have a premier team represent the SEC, and YOU the fan, in the Championship game every year. What with Tim Tebow being the media darling that he is, we felt it necessary to give him an appropriate show of love for his Senior season. With that being said, please stop raising such a fuss on the questionable calls made by our officiating crews during games with Florida. It’s all a grand plan from which every deserving SEC school will receive their shot at a National Championship. Our plan is to get Alabama to the table next year, and if their offense continues to improve, we’ll get LSU back in 2011. Afterward, we’ll look at the remaining schools who have not represented our fair conference in the National Championship game for future consideration. Well, all but Georgia, Vandy, and Mississippi State. They’re going nowhere fast.
Best wishes,
Mike Slive
Commissioner
Southeastern Conference
P.S. Tell Lane Kiffin that he’d better keep his mouth shut or the only post season bowl they’ll be playing in is the Igloo Bowl in Anchorage Alaska. And we’ll put it on Pay Per View

A: Ouch…..

Q: Mr Wizard,
I’m really pumped about my Tennessee Volunteers football team this year. We have had a great season so far. We almost beat Florida a couple of weeks ago.
We REEEEEEEEEEEEEEAlly almost beat Alabama last week.
We beat South Carolina and that smartass Coach Genius and I’m very, very excited.
But with the way our team is playing I feel real good about our chances.
Mr. Wizard how bad do you think we might almost beat the rest of the teams on our schedule this year?
Go Vols!!!
Minday in Memphis

A: I think you will “almost” win the remainder of your games this year…

Q: Dear Sir,
Hey there Mr Smarty Pants. All you Bamer folks thought you pulled a fast one on me when you THOUGHT you cut off the sound to my headset on Saturday. Shows how smart ya’ll are. I was listening to the entire compilation of the Barney the Dinosaur tunes on my cassett deck I had stuffed in my pocket. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
My daddy was the only one you messed up and he only coaches the defense, and that’s really not that important.
So keep trying CHEATERS!!
Like I said after the game, we’re gonna beat you next year!!!
Or the year after. Or the year after that.
I love you, you love me!!
We’ll beat you in 2023!!!
Go Vols!!!
Lane Kiffin

A: See you in OBknoxville next year Jackass….

Have a great week folks….
Your Week 10 Picks will be out later in the week..
So stay tuned..

RTR
MEB

We have a lot of ground to cover, so let’s get too it.

Enjoy!

TEAM NEWS

OLE MISS: Some times you feel like a Nutt….
And sometimes the Rebels get their ass whipped..

CLEMSON: You Waz Robbed….

CONNECTICUT: I failed to mention that this past week’s game with Rhode Island..
Was played for the coveted “Ramnapping Trophy”
I offer my sincerest apologizes for not mentioning this magnificent award.
However, I wasn’t aware anyone actually played a football game….
For the right to win a trophy that resembles a Baboon’s ass.
Yankees are so weird…

EDITORS NOTE: Sorry for the visual…

PENN STATE: Damn It Joe Pa….

IDAHO: I feel the need to make a correction over last weeks picks.
Mr. Potato Head was not, I repeat not “running around” with Susie Squash.
It was that skanky Zelda Zucchini
Sorry for the confusion…

OKLAHOMA STATE: A side note about Cowboy Country…
If you are ever in Tishomingo Oklahoma you have go by Fish Tails…
They have the finest fried catfish north of the Red River….
The only thing that isn’t fried there is the delicious Cole slaw…
Tell them Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator sent you
and you are liable to get a good fish story

ALABAMA: Congratulations to my ole buddy Woodrow Lowe f
he has been elected into the College Football Hall of Fame and was honored at halftime of the Razorback –Crimson Tide game.
As a linebacker Woodrow had few equals in College Football…
He would hit you so hard that when you woke up your clothes were out of style.

VERN LUNDQUIST (CBS): You want to know how you can tell if Vern is going to say something stupid?
His lips start moving…

HOUSTON: Congratulations to the Mighty Cougars…
They now lead Conference USA and the Big 12 with the most wins in both conferences…

NOTRE DAME – PURDUE GAME: I also failed to mention that this contest
Is played annually for the coveted Shillelagh Trophy.
As in…
“Get your hands off my Shillelagh Trophy!”
Sorry, that sounded nasty.

MIAMI HURRICANES: Didn’t I tell you all that you were going to get Wang’d?

SOUTH FLORIDA: You guys are really good and that’s no Bull.

FLORIDA STATE: Bet you all wish….
You would have recruited that “little” quarterback from Tallahassee now, don’t you?

EDITORS NOTE: Before any of the Seminole Faithful write me this week about it…
Congratulations on “maybe” being the Fourth or Fifth Best College Football Team in the entire State of Florida! I know that was a lofty goal to shoot for….
So Congratulations!

MICHIGAN: Two words for the Wolverine Faithful after last weeks game: “Home Cooking”

EDITORS NOTE: And I thought only Notre Dame got “Hometown Referees”

COACH BOBBY BOWDEN: Due in large part…
To the recent Seminole set back at the hands of the South Florida Bulls
The FOX Network has placed a hold on the pilot episode of the new fall program entitled “The Bowden Boy’s”
As you may already know this program will show Coach Bobby and his sons on a number of “adventures” in a “reality” show format.
I know the Seminole faithful were anxiously awaiting the pilot episode which showed Coach Bobby and his son’s on a camping trip that took place this past spring.
After all who doesn’t want to hear Coach Bobby say
“Get your hands off my wiener”

OREGON: As I look Back, I guess the Quacks aren’t all that Whack

OHIO STATE: If you want to know why I still consider the Buckeyes undefeated
I present a picture of the Trojan 4th down play at the Ohio State goal line…..
That my friends, is NOT a touchdown….

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t know how……
The Buckeyes got “Michigan” referees, but I would do a background check on them next time.
I’m just saying.

CALIFORNIA: Say it with me…..
O-V-E-R-A-T-E-D!

WASHINGTON: Bad Dogs

NORTHERN ILLINOIS: Please see “Washington” above..

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dearest Michael,
First let me say that I appreciate that you are named after my favorite angel
However, Thy must postpone all thy activities until thou has helped me solve a problem of biblical proportions. Recently I had a new arrival to mine lofty quarters.
I asked this rather pious individual if thou deserved to be here.
This putrid gnat replied that he did not have to answer to me…
Nor any laws and commandments during his lifetime other than his own.
He also continued by saying that if I had any further inquiries or needed information from me that I should refer to his website for an official transcript, but, that, however, I couldn’t download anything.
I am considering..
Therefore by mine own glorious and powerful hand, that I will answer thine prayer, mine own humble servant.
However, mine question is, should this Myles Brandt heathen, be sent packing to join St Lucifer at the fiery gates of hell or should he be put in the current purgatory which is known as U$C Football to have endless conversations with that spawn of Satan, Pete Carroll?
I await your reply.

Respectfully
Saint Peter
A Huuuuuuuuuuuuge SEC fan

A: Your call Pete and while we are on the topic…
Thank the Big Guy again for the Iron Bowl win and getting me out of that little scrape in Fallujah this year.
Now about that promise I made….
You knew I wasn’t serious about becoming a Priest, right?
Cause I got this “thing” about women…

Q: Mike I have a problem that I hope you can help me with.
My shift has changed at the plant and the Bosses are telling me I have to work every College Football Saturday’s until January.
I will miss the entire damn season, do you have any suggestions?
Thanks!
Troy – Birmingham, Alabama

A: Four words Troy: TiVo, DVR Roll Tide

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
We cannot believe you picked our Hokies over the Hurricanes and it happened!
That game ROCKED!
How did you do it?
We were studying how geniuses are tortured souls or something like that.
Are you some kind of tortured genius or something?
The Ladies of Tri Delta – Blacksburg, Virginia

A: All of the above

Q: Dear Sir, I have but one question for you.
Why do you hate the University of Southern California so much?
Thank you
Shelia – Los Angeles, California

A: What’s not to hate Shelia?

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
I enjoy how you are always saying there are “No Palm Trees in Miami, Ohio”
But just for the record
Miami of Ohio was a University before Florida was a state.
And in case you forgot and we hope you haven’t…
Miami of Ohio is the cradle of football coaches…
Dan – Miami of Ohio

A:No disrespect intended Dan; I know the fine history of Miami of Ohio quite well.
I also know the great Webb Eubank used to live in town…
I just wish you all were still called the “Redskins” instead of the Red Hawks; I think that’s stupid.

Q: Listen Mister Wizard or whatever you call yourself.
Coach Phil Fulmer is Not some kind of Krispy Kreme addict!
Making fun of him in that way is hurtful!
What makes you think he is a Krispy Kreme addict anyway?
Let’s Go Clogging Dance Club – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Have any of you seen the lapel pin he wears on his jacket?
He is either a supporter of Krispy Kreme or he is one “K” short of another kind of club.

Q: Mike, what the Hell is wrong with the Duke Blue Devil football team?
We have some new cool looking uniforms and helmets and we even reconfigured our end zones, they look awesome! So what’s the real deal?
Daniel – Durham, North Carolina

A: You can paint wings on a rock Daniel, but it’s still just a rock.

Q: Mike how does the NCAA go about finding a successor for Myles Brand as President? Thanks, we enjoy your column here.
Tim – Helena, Arkansas

A: Thank you Tim, I appreciate those kind words.
The process for selecting a successor is quite complicated as outlined by Myles Brand himself.
It involves a human sacrifice and then an appearance by the Prince of Darkness.
Who in case you were wondering is a huge U$C Trojan fan…

Q: Mike, you haven’t seemed yourself lately, are you alright?
Faye – Liberty, Texas

A: Thank you for asking Faye, I had a touch of Disco Fever that developed into a mild case of Boogie Woogie Flu, but fortunately it won’t move into rocking pneumonia.

Q: Dear Mr Wizard,
We’re raisin’ money down here in South Georgia for our own very Joe Cox statue here in beautiful Ludowici. Have you ever heard of them fishin roundups at those boat and fishin pole shows?
Yeah, they have those.
They fill up a big ole fish tank with water and put in a bunch of fish and let people fish.
Well whoever catches the winning fish gets a prize.
What we decided to do was just take’r on up a notch.
I got this little ole john boat and put it in my above ground pool.
Then we went out and caught us a mess of bass and bream and stocked that pool up
and stapled a plastic tag on one of ems back that says “Bullddawg Winner!!” and whoever gets that fish gets the john boat, a six pack of beer, and
a dozen packs of Oscar Meyer wieners for a cookout!!!
We’re gonna take the rest of the money and collect it to build us a Joe Cox statue
cause he’s the best quarterback in the whole United States!!
Could you put a little something on your website?
I know lots and lots of Georgia football faithful are football and fishin fanatics and I thought this would be a great place to advertise!!
Plus, I kinda felt guilty about me and the rest of the Bulldawg faithful and that Junyard Blawger from the AJC raking him over the coals a couple of weeks ago after we got spanked by them O K State boys.
Thanks Mr. WIZ
Lenny in Ludowici, Georgia

A: Lenny let me guess…
You’re into the “homemade” liquor now aren’t you?

Your College Football Week 5 Picks will be out on Thursday…
So stay tuned folks..

RTR
MEB

Covering all the recent shenanigans by the NCAA has gotten me behind in answering my emails. You have a lot of questions over the recent mascot posting and I know that you all depend on me for answers to these vexing questions, so let’s get to it.

Q: If the NCAA is so concerned about raciest mascots….
Why don’t they do something about the “Fighting Irish” of Notre Dame?
Not all Irishmen drink and fight and are loud and obnoxious!
Too make matters even worse they just had to have a damn Leprechaun on the sidelines!
You can bet if a team was called the “Illegal Aliens” and had some Mexican looking guy in a sombrero riding a burro around the stadium they would put a stop to it in a second!
I got a lot more to say on this subject, but I had a “little” too much of Grandpa’s Cough medicine last night (if you know what I mean…) and the sound of me hitting this key board is making my head want to explode.

And before anybody says anything to you about the party last night…
It was a “disagreement” not a “fight”….
I forgot where I was going with this….
Sean – South Bend, Indiana

A: I feel you brother….

Q: How can you say “foam rubber” mascots aren’t cool?
Have you seen our mascot at the University of Minnesota?
“Goldy” the Golden Gopher is the most awesome mascot in the Big 10!
Stephanie – Northfield, Minnesota

A: If I want to see a rodent in a foam rubber costume I will go to Chucky Cheese.

Q: As President of the Wynonna Judd Fan Club International, I am appalled that you recently compared Wynonna’s body size to that of a Polar Bear!
Why on earth would you say such a thing?
Andi – Franklin, Tennessee

A: Because that’s the largest land mammal I could think of at the time.

Q: Mike, Coach Rod’s wife is the “First” Lady of Michigan football.
So my question is this: How does Coach Rod’s wife get to the games at the “Big House”, Limousine?
Matthew – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Nope, a Broom….

Q: Why are you always poking fun at everybody’s “costumed” mascots when your beloved University of Alabama doesn’t have a “live” elephant for a mascot?
Tim – Memphis, Tennessee

A: That is where you are wrong Tim….
It is true that the University of Alabama does not have a live mascot on campus…
However, once every other year when Tennessee comes to play the Crimson Tide in Tuscaloosa there are plenty of “live” elephant mascots on campus.
Most are female and they are attired in (too tight) Orange “Baby Girl” sweat pants that looked like they sustained about fifteen hundred dollars worth of hail damage.

Q: Mike as a life long Colorado Buffalo fan, I appreciate you making mention of our mascot “Ralphie” in your latest article. We are very protective of our favorite Buffalo.
So I have to ask….
Is your sister-in-law still the “stunt” mascot at Colorado home games?
Jay – Boulder, Colorado

A: Sorry Jay not this year…

My sister-in-law’s acting career has taken off as the “star” in the “Messing with Sasquatch” beef jerky commercials and as the “stunt” double in the new movie on the Science Fiction Channel “The Beast that ate Cleveland.”

In case you didn’t know, the producers really like her because she doesn’t require any make-up.

Q: What gives? You mentioned the Air Force Falcon mascot last week, but you completely ignored the Navy Goat?
Commander R. United States Navy – Qatar

A: No disrespect intended Commander.

I didn’t mention your Goat because you never know what Goats are thinking and those things have crazy eyes.
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding.

Q: Sir, I completely disagree with your analogy concerning college football mascots.
“Herky” the Hawkeye at the University of Iowa is awesome and has an uncanny ability to whip a crowd into a frenzy.Maybe you should rethink your position?
Ken – Ames, Iowa

A: I don’t know about “awesome” but it is rather disturbing.
I hate to bring this up…
But what the hell is a “Hawkeye” anyway?
And to be honest…
“Herky” sounds like some kind of exotic “jerky”.

But all is not lost…
If you play your cards right…
You can still work a deal with that major fried chicken franchise…..
And call yourselves the “Popeye’s”….
Plus you can actually eat your own mascot…
Which is nice…

Q: I was disappointed last week when you didn’t mention the University of Nebraska mascot “Lil Red” in your article.
I have seen him on the sidelines and I believe he is a “live” mascot, so why didn’t you mention him in your article?
I bet you don’t know anything about our “Lil Red”!
Scott – Broken Bow, Nebraska

A: I apologize for not mentioning “Lil Red” last week Scott.
However you are wrong about “not knowing anything about “Lil Red”…

I know his real name is Carl and he is the “less successful” slightly bitter brother of the Shoney’s Big Boy.
Yet despite having “water head syndrome” and elephantiasis he has successfully managed to receive a scholarship to Nebraska and pursue his goal of being a “hand model”.

Q: Why didn’t you mention the Boilermaker mascot Purdue Pete last week?
Don’t you think he deserves a mention? He is pretty cool looking, right?
Ryan – West Lafayette, Indiana

A: If looking like the illegitimate son of the “Elephant Man” is cool then, alright.
But it is nice that he got a chance to go to college….
See they are even teaching him how to read….

Q: Mike why didn’t you mention anything about the Oglethorpe University Stormy Petrels mascot “Petey”?
Go Stormy Petrels!
Chad – Atlanta, Georgia

A: First things first Chad….
Why does your petrel have to be stormy?
Couldn’t it just be depressed or moody like the rest of the petrels?

Q: Mike, despite your personal feelings about “costumed” mascots, I cannot believe that The Ohio State University Buckeyes mascot “Brutus” didn’t get so much as a mention in your article.
For your information, a “Buckeye” is a poisonous nut and therefore should qualify as “scary” don’t you think?
Gail – Bowling Green, Ohio

A: I think “Brutus” looks like a horse apple with arms and legs….
That’s what I think….

Q: Mike, on the subject of mascots…
Have you seen the “new” University of Oregon Duck mascot?
They even have a “new” series of football uniforms this year, have you seen them?
They look like a highlighter exploded on a black light poster…
Don’t even get me started on their band uniforms….
Jim – Corvallis, Oregon

A: I have seen the “new” Oregon Duck mascot….
What is its name…”Gay Duck”?
More on this and the “new” University of Oregon uniforms….
In the upcoming College Football Preseason Extravaganza…..

Q: Have you noticed a resemblance between the St Louis University mascot “Billiken” and the President of the NCAA Myles Brand?
Just wondering….
Roger – Platte City, Missouri

A: There is no resemblance Roger…
That is what Myles Brand actually looks like when the sun goes down….

See for yourself…

More Later in the week….

RTR
MEB