While the Auburn Tigers are rowing up the River of Denial and the Ohio State Buckeyes are self imposing and publically self abusing themselves, the Ducks of the University of Oregon are happily paddling with their cute little webbed feet in the NCAA pond of poop.

I know many of you Ducks fans will cry fowl at what I am about write.

EDITORS NOTE: Before you ask, yes I can do these puns all day…

But as you may recall it was reported some months ago by yours truly that the University of Oregon was “paying” for a recruiting service to, as the University Athletic Department described, “To screen and evaluate athletes for the University of Oregon’s Football Program”.

And by “screen” the high school athletes, they actually meant “steer the high school athletes to the University of Oregon football program by any means possible”.

EDITORS NOTE: I know, screen and steer are so close to each other in the dictionary it’s like the words are interchangeable, am I right?

Then of course we read that the $25, 000 Dollar payment for the “2011 National Recruiting Package” only covered four states and it didn’t have anything to do with any potential college recruits from 2011.

Say what? Four states are a “National” recruiting report?

To make this story even funnier, if that’s possible, the “recruiting package” didn’t arrive until four months after the first check was cashed for the “service” and not so coincidentally it arrived days after a media enquiry requesting information on the 25K “service”.

Let’s not get into the pesky argument that high school game films and other material were “supposed” to have been included in this “National Recruiting Package”, because they weren’t.

We are all grown-ups who pay taxes and buy our own toilet paper so let’s not do the duck dance of the sugar plum fairies on this topic.

Will Lyles of the “recruiting service” was paid by the Oregon Athletic Department to steer high school athletes to the University of Quack. Mr. Lyles didn’t receive his second installment for his “services” and that is why he eventually started squealing like the little piggy that went to market.

The fact Oregon Coach Chip Kelly lied about his association with Mr. Lyles only compounds this issue and brings into question the coach’s character, integrity and the University’s commitment to those values.

But then again, wasn’t this the same coach that reinstated Oregon leading rusher LaGarrette Blount after he sucker punched a Boise State player after the Quacks lost the game to the Broncos?
That “indefinite suspension” lasted only 67 days. It was long enough to make even Phil Fulmer proud.

Then of course we have the little issue…..
with starting Oregon Cornerback and All-American Return Specialist Cliff Harris…..

You might remember that he was cited for driving on a suspended license in a rental car that wasn’t rented in his name at over 118 miles an hour at 0435 in the morning.

Oregon Coach Chip Kelly said in a statement that the team was disappointed by Harris’ lack of judgment, which he called unacceptable.

EDITORS NOTE: Those are pretty harsh words Coach!
Wow…”Disappointed” AND “Unacceptable”? OUCH!

Coach Kelly went on to say…..

“Once we have finished collecting all the information in this situation, we will determine the appropriate action”

Let me help you out here Coach……

Since the vehicle wasn’t in his name, then who allowed him to drive it?

It was another University of Oregon employee that “rented” the vehicle that Harris was driving.

EDITORS NOTE: Say, isn’t that an NCAA violation for Impermissible benefits?
You might want to get the NCAA on the phone (again) with this one Coach

Did I mention there were other Orgon Ducks players in the car with Mr. Harris?

Never mind

I can’t help but wonder, since the vehicle wasn’t in Harris’ name and he had a suspended driver’s license, then why didn’t the Oregon State police NOT tow the vehicle and take Mr. Harris to jail?

This of course also means he was also driving the vehicle without auto insurance, which in case you didn’t know, is reason alone to have the rental vehicle towed and the state of Oregon to fine the web feet off that respective duck.

That should have been a given, because that is the LAW…..

EDITORS NOTE: I am sure that Mr. Harris’s standing as a proud member of the Oregon Duck Football team had nothing to do with this, right?

Before you Oregon Duck fans get your tail feathers all ruffled, Coach Kelly “indefinitely suspended” Cliff Harris from the football team. And by “indefinitely suspended” I mean almost thirty days.

So to put all the Ducks in a row here…

The University of Oregon has an out of control booster in “NIKE” Knight

College football players that flaunt the law and the NCAA rules

A Head Football Coach that doesn’t mind lying and violating NCAA Rules

An Athletic Director that clearly hasn’t seen a newspaper or read the internet on anything to do with his athletic programs, that is unless NIKE wants him too.

So what’s the difference between the University of Oregon and the Ohio State University?

The difference my fine feathered friends is quite simply this:

The Ohio State University Buckeyes are trying to clean up their embarrassing mess

The University of Oregon Ducks are choosing to lie and scam their way out of their mess

Somewhere Phil Fulmer is smiling…..

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

We have reached the end of the 2010 College Football Season….

In this last edition will have end of the Season Emails…..

A New Year’s message or two….

And the last segment of the 2010 Bowl Predictions…

To include the BCS National Championship game…

Thank you all for coming along for the ride this year…
I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you.

Enjoy….

END OF YEAR EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Hey Mister Wizard, I know Christmas is over (Merry Christmas by the way) but my family and I made a trip to Dollywood and seen the “Nutcracker”, it was a hell of a thing to watch!
If you ever get the chance you need to go see it!
Thanks for all the picks this year, we sure enjoyed them!
The Davis family – Union City, Tennessee

A: Thank you Davis family, for those kind words, however…
I refuse to see the “Nutcracker” because it makes me uncomfortable for reasons that should be abundantly obvious. In fact I am feeling uncomfortable right now writing about it…

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard –
Your description of esteemed Auburn University Trustee Bobby Lowder is inaccurate and offensive.
He is not a dictator nor is he some maniacal power hungry lunatic!

Sure he has fired an editor of the Auburn student newspaper, but it didn’t have ANYTHING to do with an article about him, hardly, it was because the kid had acne and grossed people out.

He not only is the PRESIDENT of Colonial Bank (Ever heard of it?) but he is also one of the nicest people on the planet. Sure he has fired coaches and hired others without the consent of the University, BIG DEAL!
He knows what is best for Auburn University, NOT YOU!

So what if he still pays coach’s NOT to coach, we have jobs for them like calling Bo Jackson to wake him up in the morning, so how about just shutting up about it!

Mr. Lowder is the kind of man that really cares about the student athletes at Auburn University!
If some football player from a disadvantaged home who just happened to have a father that is a Preacher and they get some “help” from Colonial Bank on a no interest loan that they know he won’t ever pay back and then they can just write it off, SO WHAT?

It’s none of your War Damn Eagle business

Sincerely,

Lobby Bowder – Auburn, Alabama

A: I can smell your fear from here “Lobby”….
I’m coming for you big boy…

Q: Dear Sir –
I have a problem and I hope you can help me.
My neighbors are “Tennessee Fans” and their children came out of the house on Christmas morning, wearing these horrible, glow in the dark (God awful!) orange clothes that were clearly given to them for Christmas by their parents.
Should I say something to their parents?

Charlotte – Columbia, South Carolina

A: Charlotte under no circumstances should you say anything to the parents.
The next time you see the children outside in such garb, immediately call child protective services.
That constitutes child abuse…..
Same can be said if a child is wearing Michigan Wolverine clothing….

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
I was downright afraid after I read what Hootie Snitch wrote about Fulmer Claus coming into your house for Christmas! Now I ain’t completely sure but I think he may have snuck in our trailer house after we went to sleep.
Is there a sign or something that would tell me that Fulmer Claus was in our house?
Thanks and a Big Ole War Dam Eagle to you and Yours!

Chip and Susan – Opelika, Alabama

A: There are two signs actually Chip….
Your dog is pregnant and there are orange boogers on the couch….
The good news is the orange boogers should fit nicely with the rest of your décor….

Q: Mister Wizard –
First we want to thank you for a year of prognostications and humor!
Secondly I was wondering if you could settle a bet in our family this Christmas.
What is your favorite Christmas movie? Is it “It’s a Wonderful Life” or is it “Christmas Vacation” with Chevy Chase? (Those are the two choices we came up with)
Can you settle the bet for us; a fruit cake hangs in the balance.

The Roger’s Family – Little Rock, Arkansas

A: Thank you for the kind and generous words Roger’s Family….
However….
My two favorite Holiday Classics are Billy Jack and Lone Wolf McQuade with Chuck Norris.
I believe if Chuck Norris would have roundhouse kicked Mr. Potter in the first ten seconds of “It’s a Wonderful Life” there wouldn’t have been any need for Clarence the Angel to go through that nut roll to get his wings.

Q: Dear Sir –
I am somewhat surprised that a Neanderthal such as yourself and being a Marine as well, that you haven’t mentioned a word about the President eliminating the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Policy” from the Armed Forces. This is a glorious day in our country when homosexuals can proudly come out of the closet and into the mainstream of the military and I am perplexed as to your lack of commenting.
We were all expecting some kind of crude, childish sophomoric remarks from you.

Claire “Butch” Dykeson
Gay and Lesbian Coalition, San Francisco California

A: On the contrary Claire…..
I too am greatly encouraged.
Since the Government has decided to turn our once proud military into a perverted social experiment, It has motivated me to push legislation to end the worst of all injustices in our society today….
That’s right….
I am talking about not allowing blind people to operate heavy equipment, such as cranes and wrecking balls. The policy known as “If you can’t see, you can’t drive” has discriminated against blind people for decades. You may say; “what if they strike the wrong building with a wrecking ball?” And to that I say, you can put a price on a building but you can’t put a price on injustice.
I say end the discrimination and let blind people operate heavy equipment.

Makes sense, right?

NEW YEAR MESSAGE FROM HOOTIE SNITCH

First things First…..
Hope yawl all had a Very Merry Christmas…..

Because you better get ready…..

Cause in 2011 the Tennessee Volunteers are fixing to be Number Damn One!

So Happy New Year Yawl!
GO VOLS!

Hootie – Out!

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO ASS FOR THE NEW YEAR
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

I was a thinking the other day and I wrote me a little poem about all the things been going on.

Here it goes….

Ah’s out by the pond, with an ice cold beer
Sippin dat brew, got a fish on da line.
Ah was thankin bout thangs, Ah saw on TV
On my old black and white, yeah, it suited me.

See they was a thang, on tha’ Eee-Ess-Pee-EeN
Said some Ohia State players, was guilty as sin.
Them boys took ‘em some britches, and trinkets and thangs
And sold ‘em all off, for what money they’d brang.

And ah got ta thankin bout the EN-Cee-A-A
And wonderin’ what kinda B.S., they was gon’ say.
Cause I member back, a couple a months
Bout that boy Cam, and some a his stunts.

Ole, Cam’s a big boy, he’s a helluba playa
Wore out dem Game-Cocks, ran ober a Gata.
But what stuck in my craw, was fore he came a Tiger
His daddy, a preacher, came off like a liar.

See there was some folks, from Miss’ssippi State
They wanted him bad, so he’d change their fate.
But HIS daddy Cecil, dat ole preacher man,
Was gon’ make ‘em pay, he wanted a few grand.

But he didn’t end up playin, over in Stark-ville
He signed with Auburn, gave them folks a thrill.
Now that left me thankin’, and scratchin my head,
How THEY got that boy, with no money bein’ shed.

But somebody got sump’in, ole Cecil cashed in.
Cause his church was in shambles, about to cave in.
But all of a sudden, ‘round first of the year,
His buildin’ was fixed up, all the church folks did cheer.

This whole situation, it stunk like a deuce,
Cause half the damn countrys, drankin’ Cammy Cam Juice.
One day he’s suspended, then one day he’s right back,
N-C-double-A, must’ve been high on crack.

They said that ole Cam, didn’t know what’s goin’ on
That his daddy’s at fault, just him that done wrong.
But the rules that they have, say any relation,
If they’s doin’ wrong, is gonna face some damnation.

So that arr’gant young buck, he got out and he played
Auburn climbed to Number one, and that’s where they stayed.
Gonna play Or’gon Quacks, gonna have a big bash,
Cause them College rules folks, all they want is cash.

So I scratched my head, right down to my scalp,
This whole situation, it aint worth a crap,
Cause what them college folks done, had no rhyme or no reason,
They need investigatin’, for fixin’ a season.

THE BOWL GAMES (PART II)

December 30th

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Forth Worth, Texas
Southern Methodist and Army
You are probably wondering why there is no security alerts issued for this game….
That there is no reported terrorist activity in the Fort Worth area…..
The answer is simple….
Chuck Norris lives near Fort Worth….

This one is for Dandy Don Meredith, the Mighty Mustang….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-17

New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Bronx, New York
Kansas State and Syracuse
This Bowl Game in the “Bronx” in December….
(How damn stupid is that…)
Was originally called the “Car Jack Bowl”
Which is far more appropriate than naming a Bowl game after a type of suit…
WILDCATS 24-21

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
Nashville, Tennessee
North Carolina and Tennessee
This Bowl game is sponsored by a mortgage company?
Well, you know what that means….
The winner gets a trophy….
And the loser losses a house….
VOWELS 33-28

Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl
San Diego, California
Nebraska and Washington
At first I thought the name of this Bowl game was a joke….
“Education” in California…..
They can’t balance the state’s budget because they are broke (Math)
They have a Governor that can’t speak English (Public Speaking)
A lot of people in the state are there illegally and can’t or won’t speak or write English rendering them illiterate (Writing)
The latest poll in Los Angles says that a preponderance of people there still think O.J. Simpson is innocent of the Murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman (Mental Retardation)
And if you ever took the time to read a California High School History book, let me break it down for you….America sucks and it’s all Whiteys fault.
Education in California….
That is a joke…

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 28-21

December 31st

Meineke Car Care Bowl
Charlotte, North Carolina
Clemson and South Florida
I have a question concerning this sponsorship..
Who is this Jewish guy and why does he care about your car?
DABO’S TIGERS 33-17

Hyundai Sun Bowl
El Paso, Texas
Miami and Notre Dame
There was a time this was one hell of a game….
But it’s not that time…
HURRICANES 28-24

AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Memphis, Tennessee
Central Florida and Georgia
I like Memphis, maybe because I’m an Elvis man…
Thank you, thank you very much…
SIC EM DAWGS 34-24

Chick-fil-A Bowl
Atlanta, Georgia
Florida State and South Carolina
I have gotten a number of emails from both camps concerning this Bowl.
Here is the question that will determine the course of the game.
Which Garcia is going to show up for the Bowl game?
Here is your answer….
SEMINOLES 31-21

January 1st 2011

TicketCity Bowl
Dallas, Texas
Northwestern and Texas Tech
I cannot in good conscience support a Bowl game when the sponsors don’t even know where the damn game is being played. The game is in DALLAS, not TicketCity (Which I think is a speed trap outside of Nashville, Tennessee)
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 31-28

Outback Bowl
Tampa, Florida
Penn State and Florida
Joe Pa’s Lions are better on paper….
But this is Urban’s last game as a Gator…
And it won’t be played on paper
MIGHTY GATORS 28-24

Capital One Bowl
Orlando, Florida
Michigan State and Alabama
The Co-Big Ten Champion against the 2009 National Champions
It’s going to be a heck of a game
CRIMSON TIDE 34-24

Gator Bowl
Jacksonville, Florida
Michigan and Mississippi State
The City of Jacksonville, Florida wisely passed an ordinance when they realized the Michigan Wolverines were invited to the Bowl game. It is illegal for Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife Rita to appear on any Jacksonville beaches in anything other than a NASA space suit.
Wise move….
BULLY DOGS 31-28

Rose Bowl game presented by VIZIO
Pasadena, California
Wisconsin and Texas Christian
This is a must see game between two outstanding programs…
I’m just not sure why a Japanese guy is presenting it….
THE POWER OF CHEESE WHIZ 28-24

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Glendale, Arizona
Oklahoma and Connecticut
The Boys from Connecticut are going to be introduced to…
A Oklahoma Ass Whipping..
Believe it
BOOMER SOONERS 43-17

January 3rd 2011

Discover Orange Bowl
Miami, Florida
Virginia Tech and Stanford
The Cardinal has too much Luck for the Fighting Turkeys
CARDINAL 38-21

January 4th 2011

Allstate Sugar Bowl
New Orleans, Louisiana
Arkansas and Ohio State
Everyone is picking the Buckeyes in this one…
Except me
HAWGS 31-24

January 6th 2011

GoDaddy.com Bowl
Mobile, Alabama
Miami (OH) and Middle Tennessee State
I dearly love Mobile and I would like to be in the Flora-Bama Lounge as your reading this…
However, what the hell are they doing scheduling this game the day after the Sugar Bowl?
I don’t get it…
REDHAWKS 34-17

January 7th 2011

AT&T Cotton Bowl
Arlington, Texas
Texas A&M and LSU
Before I make my selection here…..
It’s important to note that Jerry “dumbass” Jones helped move the Cotton Bowl from Dallas (Where God Almighty intended it to be, Amen) to his stadium in Arlington where the Cowboys play. I have on good authority that is why God is punishing the Cowboys and preventing them from going to the playoffs. Amen
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 31-21

January 8th 2011

BBVA Compass Bowl
Birmingham, Alabama
Pittsburgh and Kentucky
I am all too familiar with the litany of acronyms across the military spectrum.
However, it confounds me as to why the maker of a compass has to put his initials in front of it.
Never mind…
JOKERS CATS 28-17

January 9th 2011

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl
San Francisco, California
Boston College and Nevada
If “Kraft” really wanted to “Fight” hunger they would make those individually wrapped cheese slices easier to unwrap. Why the hell do those things have to be child proof anyway?
Its Cheese damn it.
PACK OF WOLVES 34-17

January 10th 2011

Tostitos BCS National Championship Game
Glendale, Arizona
Auburn and Oregon
No one is really talking about Oregon…..
Which traditionally isn’t a good sign for the favored team
However, I am going with the Southeastern Conference in this one…
And the best player money could buy.
WAR DAMN EAGLES 38-34

2010 Post Season……

I want to thank you all for reading my Prognostications and Diatribes this Season and I’ve enjoyed your comments both good and not-so-good, they keep me honest. I will have periodic updates up until the BCS National Championship game and there will be a post game review of the festivities. So stay tuned.
But before I depart I wanted to leave you all with a traditional greeting from my home country…
Happy New Year…..

Click here to view the embedded video.

God Bless you all and thank you again for reading.

ROLL TIDE
THE CFB WIZARD

You didn’t think I was going to leave you yesterday….
Without recapping the games of the week and answering your emails did you?

I thought we knew one another better than that…..

I would never disappoint by beloved readers
(Or hardly ever…)

But enough about that….
We have a lot of games to discuss…..
So let’s get to it, shall we?

Coach Pete, are you with me?

TEAM NEWS

GRAMBLING: Coach Rob would have been proud, Congratulations.

STANFORD: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

NOTRE DAME: See above, but not said in “a good way”

EDITORS NOTE: If you Irish fans think you will be getting Urban Myer out of Gainesville…
Think again. You couldn’t pry him out of Florida with a bucket of poop and a mop.

TENNESSEE: Never thought I would see the day…..
When a Tennessee Football Player would be dismissed from the team, much less three players.
I am speechless.

COLORADO: Just because my sister-in-law doesn’t run onto the field with the football team (anymore)
Is no reason to go in the tank at the end of the season.

MINNESOTA: Congratulations O’ So very Golden Gophers!
You needed a last minute field goal to beat the University of South Dakota State Technology Academy of Hair and Nail Design.
And you actually wonder why I make fun of you?

GEORGIA TECH: Congratulations Yellow Jackets on going to the ACC Championship.
You damn sure deserve it….

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: In the words of Maxwell Smart…
I missed the “Upset Special”
“By that much…..”

MISSOURI: In the name of Jesse James I will never doubt the Missouri Tigers again.

ALABAMA: Roll Tide Roll……

NCAA: If you are wondering “who” the next President of the NCAA will be….
I have in my possession a copy of the “Want Add” the NCAA posted recently for the lofty position.
“Wanted: Self absorbed holier than thou Dictator and tyrant with an inherent loathing of the southern states and all things southern, to include Texas and Oklahoma.
Must worship Satan and the University of Southern California, and routinely turn your blind and or prosthetic eye from said University and Pete Carroll, as well as Notre Dame, Michigan and all other Big Eleven, I mean “Ten” schools.
Must have experience crushing university traditions and changing their mascots, as well as catering to low life organizations such as the NAACP and those shady groups associated with Jesse “Shake Em Down” Jackson and Al “Tawana Brawley” Sharpton.
Also, must like the “New Kids on the Block” and “Sponge Bob Square Pants”.

MICHIGAN: SOooooooooooo How’s that “new” coach working out for you?

CHATTANOOGA: GREAT comeback win over the Citadel! GO MOCCASINS!

NORTH CAROLINA: Now I know why no Hurricanes ever hit the Carolina coast…
The Tar Hells beat them down, Great win…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I understand Coach Pete and the “mighty” Trojans have a very good reason for their latest loss to Stanford…..
It was reported that the Trojan football team was suffering from a drug problem during the game this past Saturday.
The reason I can say that is because…
It looked like the Trojans got drugged up and down the damn field by Stanford…

EDITORS NOTE: Before you ask….
“No” this never gets old for me…

GEORGIA: If you wonder why I picked the Bulldogs over Auburn, it was simple..
The Dawgs have Rambo on the team, enough said.
Glad you are doing better Rambo, you had us all scared there for a minute.

OREGON STATE: I have said it before and I will say it again….
I am all about the Beavers

EDITORS NOTE: The above comment was in no way intended as a sexual reference.
I just happen to be a Beaver fan, O.K.?

TEXAS A&M: In case you all have forgotten, let me help you out with this one.
How do you spell “defense” in Aggie Land?
“FIRE MIKE SHERMAN”

OHIO STATE: Congratulations on a trip to the Rose Bowl and a share of the conference title.
But if you have to play Stanford, the Buckeyes better be ready…..

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Mister Wizard –
I am sorry I am new to your website and I haven’t been able to keep up with the PAC 10 conference this year, so I have to ask you: After this past Saturday’s debacle…..
How many losses do the Southern California Trojans have so far this year?
Rachel – Omaha, Nebraska

A: Tree

Q: Sir,
I don’t know if you’re familiar with me or my work, but I’m world famous game show creator Chuck Woolery.
After reading of the troubles at many schools in regards to recruiting violations, I came up with a brilliant concept for a new game show.
Think recruiting!
Think Reggie Bush!
Think Pete Carroll!
The concept is this: You have a guy like Pete Carroll pursuing a highly prized, yet vastly overrated, recruit (who is actually the contestant) sort of like Reggie Bush.
The contestant has fabulous prizes, like a house in San Diego, lavished upon him as well as travel to exotic and luxurious locations.
At the end of the show we tally the net worth and send it to the NCAA who, as we all know, will do nothing!!!
What do you think? Is this a great concept or what?
Chuck – Los Angeles, California

A: Love your work Chuck, but it’s already been done….
It’s called “The NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans”
Sorry….

Q: Mike, now that Myles Brand is dead,
why hasn’t the NCAA moved out with their “investigation” on Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?
Thanks!
Jeff – Fort Payne, Alabama

A: The “secret” to the NCAA’s amnesia on the “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the “mighty” Southern California Trojans can be found in Myles Brand’s Will.
Which your favorite college football prognosticator has a copy of, because nothing is too good for my beloved readers.
It reads as such:
“….And should the University of Southern California Trojans, coached by my prodigal son Peter Carroll, lose 3 or more games in the 2009 season AND/OR fall out of the Bowl Championship Series competition for the National Championship, I do hereby direct the Investigative committee of the National Collegiate Athletic Association to complete their inquiries and investigation into the sordid Reggie Bush affair. It has been my goal to keep the “anointed one” in position to keep his team in a lofty position for continued success. If he can’t succeed with this assistance then he shall feel the wrath of the U$C boosters, alumni, and myself from the grave. Afterwards, I do hereby bequeath all perks to Notre Dame. God knows, they need all the help they can get. ”

Q: So, the NCAA attacks Florida State because of its mascot, gives Ole Miss a bunch of crap because of its rebel flag and the last verse of their fight song.
When do they make Oregon and Oregon State change the name of their rivalry game, the “Civil War?”
Oh, wait, they’re not from the South
Jake – Vicksburg, Mississippi

A: Jake, it’s like they say at the nursing home when somebody hits the numbers…
“Bingo!”

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
You never really talk about yourself, so I have to ask…
What are the ingredients for the “perfect” weekend for you?
Barbara – Beaumont, Texas

A: Funny you should ask Barbara….
I had what could be described as a “perfect” weekend this past Saturday
Tennessee and Auburn lost, the Trojans got trampled and Alabama and Texas won.
It really doesn’t much better than that where I am….

Your Week 12 Picks will be out on Thursday…..
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

What a week it was…
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather amazing 42 and 10 last week or 81%
and that leaves us at 411 and 107 or 79% for the season.

But enough self adulation, this week we have “even” more Big Ten games….
Played for a variety of trophy’s and valued memorabilia and the tussle in T-Town.

Later in the week we will discuss the Bowl Championship Committee…
Which is actually not a committee at all, but a room full of chimpanzees
wired up on Red Bull and sugar throwing poop at college football teams listed on a wall chart.

More on this “detailed process” as it has been described in the media later in the week.

We have some games to discuss…

Enjoy your picks!

Thursday November 5th

Virginia Tech at East Carolina
I know, I haven’t hit a game with the Hokey’s in a couple of weeks….
But I have on “good authority” that Lou Holtz is going to be the “guest” Mascot this week.
Get your Gobble on Lou…..
MIGHTY TURKEYS 31-10

Miami (OH) at Temple
Believe it or not (and I ‘m not sure that I do…)
The Owls of Temple are on the verge of their first bowl game since 1979….
That’s enough motivation for anybody…
HOOT OWLS 24-17

Friday November 6th

Boise State at Louisiana Tech
Have I mentioned lately that I picked the Broncos to finish the season undefeated?
Enough said….
BRONCOS 34-17

Saturday November 7th

Vanderbilt at Florida
This game reminds me of the old saying……
“If you love something, let it go….
If it doesn’t come back then the alligator must have eaten it’s ass up”
At least that’s what they say on the bayou…
MIGHTY GATORS 38-10

Central Florida at Texas
Before this one is over the Golden Knights will wish
they jousted with midgets on burros instead of trying to stop the stampeding Longhorns.
Which as a side note…
Midgets jousting on burros screams pay-per-view to me….
especially if they are wearing sombreros
MIGHTY MIGHTY LONGHORNS 44-10

LSU at Alabama
The Tussle in T-Town…
A classic matchup that will be a fight until the final whistle blows…
Don’t blink…
CRIMSON TIDE 20-17

Northern Arizona at Ole Miss
SOoooooooo the “Chancellor” in Oxford stated this week that “He” will remove the Rebel fight song
if the students continue to chant “The South will rise again…” at football games.
Here is a little hint….
You got a jackass running a university that doesn’t understand college students…
Because even I know you don’t “threaten” a bunch of college kids….
Stand by Dumbass….
REBELS 43-17

Chattanooga at Appalachian State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Mountaineers are going down with a moccasin sticking out of their butt.
Sorry for the visual….
MOCCASINS 28-24

Ohio State at Penn State
This game will be and ole fashion slug fest from start to finish……
I think the Buckeyes will win a close one…
but I have a feeling that Joe Pa has something up his sleeve, or hidden in his hair, or behind his glasses…
You get the picture….
JOE PA’S LIONS 23-21

Tusculum at Carson Newman
When I had the “Kangaroo Flu” recently, I think I coughed up a Tusculum…
It was disgusting…
SPARKS EAGLES 33-14

Oregon State at California
Beaver Jim, I wish I had better news for you…..
GOLDEN BEARS 33-24

Virginia at Miami (FL)
Here’s how this game works….
The Cavaliers lost to the Duke Blue Devils last week…
Enough said….
HURRICANES 152-0

Oklahoma at Nebraska
This game isn’t the marquee game that it once was…..
But it doesn’t mean they don’t hate each other with a passion…
I like that in a football game…
BOOMER SOONERS 28-17

Henderson State at Ouachita Baptist
Little known fact about the Ouachita Baptist denomination…
They don’t have their own “Theme Park”….
Unlike a few other denominations I could mention…
FIGHTN’ BAPTIST 33-10

Connecticut at Cincinnati
The Huskies are playing more like anorexic Chihuahuas
BEARKATS 33-17

Oklahoma State at Iowa State
This game is played each year for the “Telephone Trophy”…..
I’m not making that up…
The Cowboys will lasso this Cyclones….
I saw it once in a movie called “Tall Tales”
It was “based” on fact….
COWBOY UP! 31-21

Florida State at Clemson
No Bowden Bowl this year….
Just and ole fashioned Tiger ass whipping…..
DABO’S TIGERS 33-28

Kansas at Kansas State
This instate rivalry is called “The Sunflower Showdown”
It’s played each year for the coveted Governors Cup
Anytime you have a rivalry game that has the word “Flower” in it……
it’s just not that big a deal outside your own state, it’s a rule.
HAWKS of JAY 34-17

Tennessee Tech at Georgia
The Eagles have the same chance of winning this game between the hedges
as Kenny Chesney does of discovering his heterosexuality.
In case you are keeping score, that would be slim and none.
HUNKER DOWN BULLDOGS 43-10

Wofford at Citadel
Sure it’s cool that Chewbacca has his own college…..
but the military of college of South Carolina’s Dogs will take a bite out of his hairy butt.
CAROLINA’S BULLDOGS 31-17

Duke at North Carolina
This battle on Tobacco Road is played for the “Victory Bell”
Which hasn’t seen the Blue Devil campus since Coach Steve was there….
That trend continues on Saturday…
TAR HEELS 24-17

Purdue at Michigan
This Big Ten matchup can only mean one thing….
You guessed it, another “rivalry trophy”
This game is played annually for the coveted “Sphincter Cannon”
If I were you, I would stay away from that thing when they fire it…
WOLVERINES 24-23

Washington at UCLA
I still believe in the Power of the Huskies….
At least this week I do….
HUSKIES 23-17

Hofstra at Delaware
Did you know when Lou Holtz says “Hofstra”…..
Mark May has to wear a dental shield to keep from getting sprayed in the face with spit.
Just thought you should know.
BLUE HENS 24-14

Furman at Auburn
Just for the record “Furry Man” is not a reference to my sister-in-law in a tube top.
If it was, it would be called “Run for your life! It’s a Yeti in damn tube top!”
I kind of made myself sick just thinking about it…
WAR DAMN EAGLES 43-14

Georgia Southern at Samford
That Fred Samford cracks me up with that whole shtick
“This is big one! I’m coming to see you Elizabeth”.
I don’t know what that has to do with this game.
I just thought I would mention it.
STATESBORO EAGLES 24-13

South Carolina at Arkansas
This game should be called the Schizophrenic Bowl
Because you don’t know which team is going to show up for the game…
RAZORBACKS 33-28

Oregon at Stanford
Quack, Quack…..Quack, Quack…..Quack
ATTACK!
(I think that’s how it goes; I’ll ask Coach Pete, he should know…)
QUACKERS 34-24

Texas A&M at Colorado
Talk about your Schizophrenia
Neither of these teams has established anything that resembles an identity…
Other than they both have had the hell beat out of them by the Longhorns..
No wait, I am about two weeks ahead on that prediction for the Aggies, sorry.
GIG EM AGGIES 24-20

Wake Forest at Georgia Tech
Even Jimmy Swaggart won’t be able help the Demon Deacons this week, but he will go on a crying jag.
Which is nice…
YELLOW JACKETS 33-14

Wisconsin at Indiana
Just what we needed
Another Big Ten “rivalry” game!
This game between these two stalwarts of the conference…..
Is played each year for the coveted “Piñata of Meat”, which if I’m not mistaken is filled with “Pork by-products”.
This also may explain why there are no Muslims on the respective teams.
CHEESE BADGERS 31-17

Eastern Kentucky at Kentucky
The Colonels will be reduced to Privates before halftime, believe it.
BIG BLUE WILDCATS 38-14

West Alabama at North Alabama
This Heart of Dixie Battle between West and North will go to the Roaring Lions..
You can take this pick to the bank
MIGHTY LIONS 34-10

Western Michigan at Michigan State
The Bronco’s are going to get spanked by Sparky…
Which is kind of a weird visual, I’m sorry about that
SPARTANS 34-17

Illinois at Minnesota
This storied Big Ten rivalry is played for the “Petrified Polar Bear Turd”
This is further evidence that both states are located ten miles from the Arctic Circle
FIGHT’N PUMKINS 33-24

Baylor at Missouri
MO knows Bear taming….
Need I say more?
MO’S TIGERS 31-17

Maryland at North Carolina State
I would watch this game but VH1 “Behind the Music” is having a special
On whatever happened to the cast of “Break’n 2 Electric Boogaloo”
I wonder if they are still “Pop’n and Lock’n”?
WOLFPACK 23-17

Syracuse at Pittsburgh
The Panthers are going to claw Otto the Orange to a pulp…
Thought that up myself…
PANTHERS 34-14

Louisville at West Virginia
This game isn’t what it once was…..
But it will end with couches burning into the Morgantown night….
Light Em if you got Em!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-17

Northwestern at Iowa
I love these Big Ten games….
Almost each and every game is played for “something” important
This game is certainly no different..
The rivalry between these two schools is played each year for the
“Snow Globe of Beef Jerky”
I shudder to think where they came up with the idea for this “trophy”
EYES of the HAWK 33-21

Memphis at Tennessee
This volunteer instate rivalry is played “every so often” as the media guide described for
“The Tennessee Cousin Bucket of Lovin”
They further state in the media guide….
“Don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it…”
VOWELS 43-10

Brigham Young at Wyoming
Cowboy Down……
BRIGHAM’S COUGARS 31-10

Navy at Notre Dame
This game has two of the oddest mascots in college football..
A Goat and a Leprechaun….
Now, if they would let the Leprechaun ride the goat THEN I would watch it..
FIGHTN’ IRISH 34-24

Rice at Southern Methodist
My favorite pudding isn’t ready for the wild ponies….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-17

Army at Air Force
The next to final game for the “Presidents Cup”…..
Aim High
FALCONS 28-14

Kent State at Akron
A game between “Zippy” and the “Golden Flashes”….
Sounds like the making of a Gay Pride Parade…
ZIPPY 23-17

Texas El Paso at Tulane
This rough season has reduced the Green Wave to chartreuse trickle
MINERS 34-17

Texas Christian at San Diego State
Have I mentioned lately that I picked the horned amphibians to go undefeated this year?
I know that I “mentioned it”, I was just bragging..
Sorry…….
HORNED FROGS 33-10

Worchester Tech at Susquehanna
This game really puts me in a quandary..
On one hand I love Worchester sauce and I think it’s cool that have a college for that..
But on the other hand I know Susie will threaten to whip my ass if I don’t pick her..
I won’t be intimidated..
SUSIE 23-17

Fresno State at Idaho
I wonder whatever happened to Mister Potato Head’s kids, Ida and Spud.
I hope he kept his eye on them….
Yeah, thought that up myself too.
BULLDOGS 31-28

Washington State at Arizona
I would watch this game this game
But QVC is going to have a sale on their “Rhesus Monkey Dentist Kits”.
Before you ask, “No”, I don’t have a monkey.
I just want to watch the demo
WILDCATS 24-17

New Mexico at Utah
This game highlights Ute’s and Lobos….
Sounds like a Disney Movie…
TWO UTES 34-17

Houston at Tulsa
Speaking of movies….
Is it just me, or did you want to see Apollo Creed in Apollo 13?
Never mind, it’s just me.
COUGARS 38-23

Southern California at Arizona State
Hey Pete, you want a Quacker?
That never gets old for me…
TROJAN$ 6-3

Utah State at Hawaii
This game only serves to remind me that I am missing “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
Damn it…
WARRIORS Pop’n and Lock’n on RAINBOWS 31-24

Sunday November 8th

Nevada at San Jose State
Poor Jose…..
He is going to get beaten like a rented Burro….
As a side note…
This pick is much funnier when spoken out loud with a Mexican accent.
WOLFPACK 33-17

Enjoy your games and have a Great Weekend
More next week, so stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

I know there were a lot of surprises last week…
I also I know that I missed a good deal of my picks and upset specials..

We could “What if” this all day and speculate about a myriad of outcomes.
For example..
“What if” Spartacus had a Piper Cub?
Or “What if” Caesar had a Cessna?

There is no sense in speculating any longer
It’s time we move on to this week’s challenges

But in case you were wondering…
Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was
47 and 15 or a subpar 76% and currently for the season we are 160 and 34 or 82%.

Enjoy your games!

THE GAMES

Thursday September 24th

Ole Miss at South Carolina
This game will be a lot closer than people might think….
It all depends if Coach Steve’s Defense decides to show up…
REBELS 27-23

Friday September 25th

Missouri at Nevada
This epic struggle is the equivalent of a “Dance Off” between
Danny Terrio and Adrian Zmed….
Yes, it’s that serious
MO’S TIGERS 38-17

Saturday September 26th

Florida at Kentucky
I was awfully close to calling this one an upset special….
MIGHTY GATORS 28-24

Washington State at Southern California
I would rather stare at an Ant Farm for three hours than watch this game
TROJAN$ 134-0

EDITORS NOTE: Coach Pete how’s that Dog Bite?

Arkansas at Alabama
A powerful Razorback Offense against a Daunting Tide Defense
It should be a good one…
CRIMSON TIDE 23-21

Newberry at Carson Newman
I am more of a Mayberry man myself…
SPARKS EAGLES 33-20

Illinois at Ohio State
I got several emails this past week from Fighting Illini fans
telling me they are “Going to bring the Illini – noise” down on the Buckeyes
Good Luck with that….
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-17

Miami at Virginia Tech
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
The Canes get Wang’d in Blacksburg…
Believe it…
HOKIES 24-23

Wofford at Chattanooga
You want to know what is good for a pesky cough?
A good swift kick in the butt with a pair of…
MOCCASINS 28-23

LSU at Mississippi State
This game features Cats and Dogs…..
Now there is a football tussle worth watching….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-17

Arizona State at Georgia
The Devils from the Sun are used to the Heat..
But not the Humidity….
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS 38-24

North Carolina at Georgia Tech
If you ever go to a Tech game..
and don’t take the time to go to the Varsity…
For one of the world’s greatest chili dogs and an order of hand cut French fries..
Then you are clearly a damn communist.
YELLOW JACKETS 34-17

Texas Christian at Clemson
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!
The Tigers will play their hearts out on Saturday
Believe it….
DABO’S TIGERS 24-21

South Florida at Florida State
The Bulls lost their starting quarterback last week for the season..
Not that it would make any difference here…
SEMINOLES 43-17

Wartburg at Loras College
Kids with warts tussle with some youngsters with a topical skin fungus…
This will be disgusting….
WARTS 28-10

Ball State at Auburn
Didn’t David Letterman graduate from Ball State?
Yeah, that really won’t matter here…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 54-10

North Alabama at Harding
The Lions of Florence are roaring once again…
ROARING LIONS 33-23

Army at Iowa State
Tornado’s and Divorces have a lot in common in Iowa…
In the end some guy always loses a trailer..
CYCLONES 24-17

Minnesota at Northwestern
How did the people of Minnesota determine that their Gopher was “Golden”?
How did the conversation start?
Did it go something like this…
“Dude, I can’t believe that thing got out of the road in time..
Man, that Gopher is Golden”
I still don’t get it…
O’ So GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-24

Franklin Marshall at Juniata
Frank should know better than to tussle with Juanita when she is PM-sing.
JUANITA 33-14

Wake Forest at Boston College
This Game could easily be entitled “The Forrest Gump” game
Because much like a box of chocolates…
You never know what you are going to get in this contest
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 23-17

Georgia Southern at Elon
By the time this one is over that little Cuban kid will know all the words too
“Statesboro Blues”
EAGLES 31-23

Rutgers at Maryland
This game will be like watching two old people fight…
At First it’s kind of funny…
Then it’s just sad…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 21-17

West Alabama at Valdosta State
Honestly, this one had me at “Alabama”
TIGERS 31-28

Stony Brook at Massachusetts
I don’t really care who wins this game…
But I will tell you this…
If you are looking for a quick getaway or weekend vacation
There is no better place to stay than with the fine folks of the Stony Brook Lodge and Chalets
Located in scenic Gatlinburg.
Give Ed and Pam a call
And tell them Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator sent you.
You will be glad you did..
http://stonybrooklodging.com/

Maine at Syracuse
If you don’t think the Syracuse mascot is scary..
Then you haven’t seen the “new” Otto the Orange.
It looks like Phil Fulmer after a three day Krispy Kreme Bear Claw binge.
OTTO the ORANGE 24-14

Arizona at Oregon State
Much like Jerry Mathers…
I still believe in the Power of the Beaver
BEAVERS 38-27

EDITORS NOTE: Admit it…
You thought I was going to say something nasty here, didn’t you?
Shame on you, this is a family column.

Michigan State at Wisconsin
Cue the annoying “Jump Around” music…..
THE POWER OF VELVEETA 28-24

Ohio at Tennessee
I have Safety Tip
For the folks from Ohio visiting OBKnoxville this weekend for the game.
The term “Fast Food” has an entirely different meaning in Volunteer Country.
That term usually refers to someone that just hit a deer at 75 miles an hour.
VOWELS 44-10

Southern Miss at Kansas
Remember the part in “Wizard of Oz” were the Flying Monkeys tore apart the Scarecrow?
Yeah, this game will be a lot like that…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-28

Rhode Island at Connecticut
I cannot in good conscience…
Pull for any team whose entire existence is predicated on a lie.
Rhode Island is not an Island.
Enough said….
HUSKIES 34-0

Indiana at Michigan
Hoosier Daddy?
WOLVERINES 38-17

Fresno State at Cincinnati
Despite the fact I haven’t received any Gold Star or Sky Line Chili from the Queen City
I will still do the right thing here…
But I’m not happy
BEARKATS 33-17

San Diego State at Air Force
Didn’t the Air Force bomb the ancient Aztecs during World War II?
Don’t laugh..
Have you read a High School History Book lately?
FALCONS 31-13

Tennessee Tech at Kansas State
You want to know what a fun word is to say?
“Chimichanga”
It’s fun to say, even when you’re alone
Never mind…
WILDCATS 34-10

EDITORS NOTE: You are saying it to yourself right now..
Aren’t you?

UTEP at Texas
That rumbling sound the Miners hear isn’t the mine collapsing
It’s a Stampede…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 38-10

California at Oregon
The Quacks will fall flat….
Believe that….
Yakty Yak don’t talk back
Take your money and buy a cat
O.K. I need to stop…
GOLDEN BEARS 34-31

Central Florida at East Carolina
The Golden Knights of UCF…
Wait a minute…
Why does everything have to be “Golden”?
We have “Golden” Gophers, Bears, Eagles and Hurricanes in this week’s edition.
That all sounds horribly racist to me…
PIRATES 31-14

Pittsburgh at North Carolina State
Did you ever notice when Lou Holtz says “Pittsburgh Panthers”
He sounds like Sylvester the Cat?
Maybe it’s just me…
PANTHERS 24-17

Akron at Central Michigan
I was going to make a joke about “Zip up that Chippewa”
But it’s too early in the morning for that…
CHIPPEWA’S 34-20

Western Kentucky at Navy
If Navy loses this game I am writing a nasty letter to Captain Crunch
MIDSHIPMEN 34-23

Idaho at Northern Illinois
I have a question for the Idaho fans…
Did Mr. Potato Head ever get married?
Or did he run off with that skanky Susie Squash?
Just wondering….
HUSKIES 38-14

Colorado State at Brigham Young
Are the Cougars over their skinning by the Seminoles?
You bet they are…
COUGARS 28-17

Grambling State at Oklahoma State
This game will be uglier than Janet Reno Pole Dancing
Sorry for the visual…
COWBOY UP! 44-0

Boise State at Bowling Green
The Falcons have the same odds of winning this game..
As Siegfried and Roy releasing a book on the “Joy of Heterosexuality”
BRONCOS 38-10

U La La at Nebraska
This game is going to get uglier than an orangutan’s arm pit
CORNHUSKERS 54-10

North Carolina Central at Duke
There is a great deal of excitement on the Blue Devil campus!
After the last Blue Devil victory
There were three students attempting to tear down the goal posts…
As I understand it, they are still trying
Which is sad..
BLUE DEVILS 27-17

Sam Houston State at Tulsa
The Hero of San Jacinto is taken down by a Golden Hurricane…
That sounded horribly nasty…
Sorry…
GOLDEN HURRICANES 28-24

Northwestern State at Baylor
I thought creampuff season was over?
BEARS 38-10

UAB at Texas A&M
If the Blazers football team was a smell it would be Yak sweat
GIG EM’ AGGIES 44-0

Louisville at Utah
Both of these teams have a lot of Ute on each side of the ball.
It really boils down to which of the Ute wants it more
TWO UTES 33-31

Iowa at Penn State
I have on good authority…
That Joe Pa intends to harness the power of the sun through his reading glasses…
and roast the Hawkeyes
I don’t know if that is legal but it sure will be fun to watch
JOE PA’S LIONS 27-21

Notre Dame at Purdue
Slightly off the subject…
What is suppose to be so “magically delicious” about Lucky Charms?
If you want a breakfast cereal with some “magic” in it
I suggest you eat a bowl of raisin bran while drinking a cup of coffee
You will “magically” have the opportunity to read the Atlanta phone book
Not that it matters here
FIGHTN’ IRISH 34-14

Marshall at Memphis
Call me crazy if you want too…
It wouldn’t be anything I haven’t already heard from Mental Health professionals
WE ARE MARSHALL 24-21

Vanderbilt at Rice
What would this game be like…
If SAT scores could equate to points on the scoreboard?
COMMODORES 141,267,875 – 140,762,921

Washington at Stanford
Dogs pee on Trees…
It’s how they roll….
HUSKIES 27-21

Texas Tech at Houston
Defense? We don’t need no stinking Defense….
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 54-48

Hootie Snitch will have his Gator – Tennessee Volunteer game wrap-up tomorrow
So stay tuned
Enjoy your games
RTR
MEB

This past Saturday was certainly the Day of the Dog….
There were Bulldogs and Huskies…..
They came from Georgia, Mississippi State and Northern Illinois and Washington

On this day their bite was way worse than their bark….

The Bulldogs of Georgia hunkered down and treated Arkansas like a far sighted geriatric Mail carrier….

Bully from Mississippi State chewed the Commodores like a new dog toy….

The Huskies from Northern Illinois turned Purdue Pete into a crying four year old

And what did the Huskies from Washington do?
The week before they snapped the nation’s longest losing streak….
This past Saturday the Mighty Huskies took down the national sports media’s darling.

Congratulations to the Big Dogs….
We won’t forget that day anytime soon….

Now let’s take a look at the rest of the action that took place on Saturday

ARMY: O.K, I pick you to win and you lose…..
I pick you to lose and you win…
If this is some kind of Physiological ploy to confuse me
I want you to know, it’s working.

SOUTHERN METHODIST: Damn it Ponies, you almost had them….

SOUTHERN MISS: Much like the rest of the Golden Eagle Fans…
I want to thank you for scaring the crap out of me Saturday…
Great win over a tough ACC opponent..

TENNESSEE: All that bragging makes you feel pretty stupid about now
Doesn’t it?

VIRGINIA TECH: When the going gets tough in Blacksburg..
The Hokies will throw the two biggest Wang’s in college football at you.
Which despite the fact I am talking about the Wang brothers that play defense for the Hokies….
That just sounded nasty..
Sorry..

UTAH: Many of my Utah faithful have asked me “What happened on Saturday?”
Here is your answer…
With a number of senior leadership graduating last season they have too much Ute on the current team to have overcome the pesky quackers.

NAVY: Damn it….

OHIO STATE: My Buckeye faithful….
I have a question for you…
In your game with U$C last week, did you allow PAC 10 referees to officiate the game?
The reason I ask…
I have photographic proof that the Trojan$ didn’t score their touchdown on fourth and goal
More on this later

BRIGHAM YOUNG: It looked like Cinderella lost her shoes…

KENTUCKY: Congratulations on winning the Commonwealth Cup
You Big Cats deserved it…

CINCINNATI: I would have picked you BearKat’s this past Saturday….
But as we already discussed last week
I never got my shipment of Gold Star or Sky Line Chili…
Yes, it’s like that

BAYLOR: Please see “Navy”

NOTRE DAME: Told you so….

FLORIDA STATE: In case you didn’t know…
The Seminoles went into Saturday’s game with an unfair advantage
Coach Bobby not only read Brigham Young’s play book
He knew the man…

ARKANSAS: This is for the Razorback quarterback…
Listen Ryan, I know you came from Michigan and football up there is a “big deal”
But down here, don’t run your mouth about southern boys before you play them..
If you need a reference, please see “Tennessee” above.

WASHINGTON: I want to thank my Huskies Fans for writing me in various stages of inebriation on Saturday night, but let’s not forget that I did invoke the name of the Original Dog Father, Coach Don James in this weeks picks….
No need to thank me…

U$C: In case all you Trojans were wondering…
We are not laughing with you..
We are laughing AT you…

COLLEGE FOOTBALL POLLS: Now let’s see….
Ohio State lost a close battle to the Trojan$ and they fell out of the top ten….
The University of the Second coming lost to an unranked team..
But I am betting they won’t fall as far as Ohio State did losing to a ranked team…
And we are supposed to believe this is “unbiased”?

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Awesome Pick Mike!
I couldn’t believe it when you picked the Cane’s to beat the Yellow Jacks of Georgia Tech!
We hadn’t beaten them in 4 years!
How did you do it?
Thanks again!
Troy – Fort Lauderdale, Florida

A: It’s a blessing and a curse Troy.

Q: Sir, I’m currently in need of some players.
I lost my Smelley, Succup combo and realllllly need a replacement.
I am impressed with the Green, Cox combo incorporated by my contemporaries at UGA.
Think you could get me a Lotta, Butts or maybe a Smelly, Finger combo?
Thanks
Steve Spurrier
The REAL USC

A: Coach, what did I tell you about contacting me on this forum?
Just call me…

Q: Dear Sir –
We hope with the recent passing of our great President of the NCAA, Myles Brand that you feel some remorse over the many things you have written on your website concerning this fine man.
With his passing we hope that we can move past the rhetoric together and towards real reform in collegiate athletics.
We here at the NCAA will miss President Myles Brand and his leadership but we know that he is looking down on the staff of the NCAA and depending on all of us to continue his work in college athletics.
Sincerely – The NCAA Enforcement Staff, Indianapolis, Indiana

A: Didn’t you mean to say “he is looking up”….
The only reason I mention it..
Is because I hope you all had the good sense to bury him in an asbestos suit.
I have a sneaking suspicion he is going to need it.

Q: Dude! What the Hell!
You picked Notre Dame over the Spartans!
We hadn’t beaten them at home since 1993!
We are still partying in South Bend!
How’d you do it?
Sean – South Bend, Indiana

A: Call it the luck of the Irish..

Q: Dear Sir,
Just a short letter to inform you that MYLES DIDN’T GET ME!
MYLES DIDN’T GET ME, NYAHH, NA NA NA NA!

Pete Carroll
Supreme Commander of Football
University of $outhern California

A: I can’t say this letter is a surprise..

Q: Dear Mr Wizard,
As the NUMBER UNO BIGGEST GEORGIA BULLDAWG FAN IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE!
I have been reading up on that female runner everybody’s been talking about.
See, she’ supposed to be a cross between a guy and a girl.
I saw a picture of her and she does kinda look like a girl.
But, when you hear her talk she sounds like a guy.
They said she’s got some of them male parts of her…
I think they call ‘em Tostitos or something that aint dropped yet.
Kinda like a dawg puppy that aint quite grown up yet.
You know, after a few months their Tostitos will drop and everything like that.
Well, I got to lookin’ at some of them Tennessee Volunteers cheerleaders on the TV the other day and got to thinkin that boy, some of them girls look like they could be that runner girls sister!! Or brother!!
Do you thank them Tennessee Volunteers have been recruitin’ cheerleaders from foreign countries?
Is that even legal?
I think that I’m going to write the NCAAP and tell that Mr Myles Brand that he needs to be a lookin’ up some of them girls skirts to make sure they are the right S – E – X to be doin’ some cheerin.
Besides, my buddy Homer Philpot said that Mr Lane Kiffin was using a couple of them girls in their games as receivers and that just aint fair!!
Lenny in Ludowici

A: You’ve been drinking again, haven’t you Lenny?

More later on in the week…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

This past weekend many of us experienced a variety of emotions
Fright, fear, disappointment, surprise and some elation.
And that was just during game day tailgating.

But that aside
Lets take a look back..
At our second week of College Football and answer a few of your email questions and answers.

Your Week 3 Picks will be out on Thursday..
And Hootie Snitch will have what he describes as a “Gator Special” out for you on Friday.

Enjoy your Monday Morning Rewind

TEAM NEWS

WEBSTER’S DICTIONARY: If you look up “Ass Whipping” in Webster’s
It says “See Stephen F. Austin scoring 92 points against Texas College”

EDITORS NOTE: Texas College should have known better
I know enough about Texas History to know you don’t mess with Stephen F. Austin.

GEORGIA: If you saw the Georgia Bulldog – South Carolina Gamecock game between the hedges this past Saturday night you may have noticed something different on the back of the Bulldog’s helmets.

At least I hope you noticed it…..

The Bulldogs were wearing the unit insignia of Georgia’s 48th Infantry Brigade Combat Team
currently deployed to Afghanistan.

Coach Mark Richt was turned on to the idea after receiving an e-mail from a soldier stationed in Afghanistan. Lt. Col. John Gentry, who is also director of the Oconee County Parks and Recreation department, first suggested it as a way to honor the seven soldiers from the 48th brigade who have died in combat.
Coach Richt, who visited U.S. troops in Germany and the Middle East last summer, said wearing the insignia is a way to show the team’s appreciation for the troops and their families.
Coach Richt said, “Hopefully, this is a sign of our appreciation for all the men and women who are serving and for their families as well. We owe them all the support we can give,”

EDITORS NOTE: If Coach Richt isn’t a class act, then I don’t know what is..

OKLAHOMA STATE: When are you going to learn to start listening to me?
What did I tell the Cowboy’s last week?

The Cowboys had better be careful…
The Cougars are for real….

Enough said….

DIVISION III: Susquehanna at Juniata
I know I picked Juniata…..
But I had no idea that Susquehanna was wearing her pink “Baby Girl” sweat pants
That was the difference maker right there…

DIVISION III PART II: Gallaudet at Hiram
Hiram would have won this one…
But I have on good authority that the Frenchman hit Hiram when he wasn’t looking
Everything about that is just wrong

SOUTHERN METHODIST: I cannot believe that I doubted my Mighty Mustangs
I should be ashamed of myself…and I am

FLORIDA STATE: I won’t use this forum to regurgitate the on going war of words between the NCAA and Florida State University over the public disclosure of the NCAA “investigation” into athletes at the university.
But I will say this…
If we had more University Presidents in this country like Florida State University President T. K. Wetherell the NCAA wouldn’t be the dictatorship that it has become.

THE OHIO STATE: I have only two words to say to you today….
Damnnnnnnnnnnnnnn it.

EDITORS NOTE: It warmed my heart to see perhaps the greatest hitter in the history of football on the Buckeye sidelines Saturday night…
The Great Jack Tatum….
There will never be another one like you Jack….

Certainly not in “Professional Football”
Pro Football today looks more the offspring of flag football and basketball.

ATLANTA JOURNAL CONSTITUTION: Recently…
The AJC stated concerning the Oregon Duck Player that showed his butt on national television…
“Blount rushed for 10,002 yards last season, he will be sorely missed in Eugene.”

EDITORS NOTE: I guess he REALLY will be missed….
Because that comes out to almost a 1,000 yards a damn game!

CENTRAL MICHIGAN: This past Saturday…
The Chippewa’s Coach Butch Jones went for two points with a little over a minute left in the game with Michigan State because he didn’t want to play in overtime.
They didn’t convert….
Coach Jones called for an onside kick….
The Chippewa’s got the ball back….
They proceeded to drive down the field and kick the winning field goal as time expired.
I am convinced that Coach Jones has Ice Water in his veins..
Congratulations to Coach Jones and the Chippewa’s for an incredible victory.

WEST POINT: Seriously, you guys couldn’t beat Duke?

THE BIG TEN CONFERENCE: What the Hell guys? What the Hell….

ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE: Please see “The Big Ten Conference” above

COLORADO: I want to apologize to the Buffalo Faithful
I had no idea…
That since my sister-in-law is no longer the Colorado “stunt” Buffalo mascot..
It would cause the football team to fall apart. Who would have believed it?
I never thought she was that popular…

MICHIGAN: Just a comment about the Notre Dame game….
Having Coach Rod’s wife in the end zone flashing Fighting Irish players to make them drop the football and distract them; is just wrong.
It also is the leading cause of blindness in Ann Arbor.

TENNESSEE: In his first nine months on the job…
Coach Lane Kiffin came off as…
(Place favorite your description here)

After Tennessee’s season-opening blowout of Western Kentucky last weekend
Coach Lane Kiffin was down right smug.
Humility was served in Neyland Stadium on Saturday.
But I would suggest Lane Kiffin needs to save some of that humility for later.
The Volunteers play at Florida on Saturday. Be afraid.
Be very afraid.
Case in point…
Lane Kiffin’s comments are posted in every locker in Gainesville

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What the heck dude?
As a student at Susquehanna University I need to set you straight on our fine college.
We are a University not a Hispanic American Woman.
Same goes for your reference to another college in the northeast.
Marist is a college, not a woman. They are called the Red Foxes.
Sincerely
Marty – Selinsgrove, Pennsylvania

A: That’s odd…
I though Marist was a brunette?

Q: Dear Sir
Your attempt at humor in recent articles, at the expense of Native American peoples; is at the least offensive and at its worst racist.
You need to reevaluate your priorities and establish a goal on uniting people, not dividing them. Or in the words of the wisest of all Native American Shaman: Eagle Feather
“To Nack-a See O-Sa Kama Ta-na Una Kin Che-awa”
Which translated means, “A Lone Buffalo feels the loneliness of the plains”

I hope you let these words sink deep in your heart
Sincerely –
Native American Indian Federation – Durant, Oklahoma

A: Are you sure that is an accurate translation?
Because I thought it meant….
“We don’t have a blanket for a diuretic horse”

Q: Come On Mister Wizard!
Last week you picked the “Boy’s from Chili Town” in a huge upset win over Rutgers!
And we really appreciate it!
But, then you left us off the picks in week two!
What gives?
GO BEARKATS!
Chuck – Dayton, Ohio

A: I like everything about Cincinnati
But it’s like this Chuck….
Where is my Skyline and Goldstar Chili?
Prognostication has its price.

Q: Mister Wizerd –
What in the Sam Hill done went and a happeened?
I seen them Volunteers lose to something they call the U-C-L and A,
What the Hell is that anyways?
Sounds like the name of one of them big compainies and that ain’t right!
One week we beat everybody in the western part of Kentucky, including Paducah and then we got to play a damn corporation! That’s a like playing professionals!
But I know you is wanting to ask, Hell No I ain’t worried about no gators!
We gonna whoop their damn florida gator ass!
Now I done went an forgot my question
GO Vols!
Scooter Cooter – Twisted Branch, Tennessee

A: I am serious; you Tennessee Volunteer fans need to get “Spell Check”

Q: Mike please don’t sugar coat it.
Give it to me straight……..
Are we Oklahoma Sooners screwed without Sam Bradford at Quarterback?
Danny – Norman, Oklahoma

A: “Circle get’s the Square on that one Danny”

EDITORS NOTE: For those of you under the age of forty…
That was an affirmative answer to the question utilizing a reference from “Hollywood Squares”

Q: Mike we flew out from California for the Bruin – Volunteer game and man it was awesome! Really glad our Bruins were able to pull it out, because that was a tough place to play! But I have a question for you…
Living in Los Angeles, I am used to the smell of our smog.
But we couldn’t identify the smell in Knoxville, what was that?
Thanks!
Sigma Alpha Epsilon UCLA – Los Angeles, California

A: You must be referring to the smell of wet dog food and ass; it’s rather pungent this time of year in OBKnoxville.

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
After writing you last week, and with your encouragement, I have decided to follow my dream.
I am now in the process of becoming the best Kenny Rogers impersonator in the tri-state area. I
f you closed your eyes while I sing “Islands in the Stream” (I do both Kenny and Dolly’s parts thanks to an unfortunate weed-eater accident) you would swear you were listening to the man himself!
So thank you for the encouragement, I am on my way to the top!
Jack McCracken – Cincinnati, Ohio

A: You are the first person I have ever encountered
That thought a “restraining order” constituted “encouragement”

Your Week 3 Picks will be out on Thursday and don’t forget…
The “Number 1 Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet”
Mister Hootie Snitch will have what he describes as a “Gator Special” on Friday
So stay tuned…
RTR
MEB

Much like Richard Petty…..
It’s good to be the King….

Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator……
Finished Week One at 63 and 7 or a rather remarkable 90%…..
Not to mention…
Hitting the “Upset Special” and the exact score of the game…

However, even with this wonderful statistic..
I was roundly criticized in an email last week that said my writing style “wasn’t sophisticated enough…..”
The email went on to state that my website “should be more artsy”……

Me not sophisticated enough?

So with that in mind and in an effort to add some “sophistication” to my website….
I am going do a portion of the Week Two College Football Picks..
Through “Interpretive Dance”
Let me get loosened up before we get started, I don’t want to pull a hamstring…

THE GAMES

Thursday September 10th

Clemson at Georgia Tech
I wish I had better news for my Tiger faithful…
But I am serious about going on strike…
If I have to endure another season without tailgating with my adopted Clemson Family.
YELLOW JACKETS 28-17

Campbellsville at Carson Newman
Do you know what the mascot from Campbellsville is called?
“Gaylord the Camel”…..
Enough said…
SPARKS EAGLES 31-10

Slippery Rock at Kutztown
I wonder if Kutztown is close to Funky Town?
GOLDEN BEARS 24-20

Friday September 11th

Colorado at Toledo
When I read the Buffalos would be playing the Rockets…
I thought….
Wouldn’t it be great if I could put my sister-in-law on a rocket to Mars
I know…
Sometimes I wish for too much.
BUFFALOS 24-20

Worchester Tech at Worchester State
This Worchester Sauce rivalry has gotten out of hand…
I would pick this game, but I am a Tabasco man…
Sorry..

Saturday September 12th

Idaho State at Oklahoma
I couldn’t help but notice…
My River Dance closely resembles the Sooners running game this coming weekend
SOONERS 38-0

Syracuse at Penn State
I just hit by toe on the damn coffee table…
I need ice and some Tylenol…..
JOE PA’S LIONS 34-10

North Carolina at Connecticut
Don’t worry..
I can do the “Hula” with ice on my foot….
But it makes me wonder….
Did they call Don Ho’s wife, “Mrs. Ho”?
That’s just wrong…
TAR HEELS 24-21

Eastern Michigan at Northwestern
Before you ask….
“No” I am not wearing a grass skirt and a coconut bra…
WILDCATS 33-17

Richmond at Delaware
My Labrador Retriever “Doc”…
Must have thought I wanted to play while I was performing the “Hula”.
When I wasn’t paying attention he jumped up and hit me square in the Jimmy..
I have to set down for a minute…
BLUE HENS 28-24

Western Michigan at Indiana
Hoosier Bronco?
Sounds like the standard greeting at a Village People reunion Concert
HOOSIERS 24-20

Central Michigan at Michigan State
I need to limp into the kitchen and get another bag of ice…
Doc really nailed me
SPARTANS 38-10

Stanford at Wake Forest
Doc must have used both his front feet….
Because just for a second I thought I was going to pass out…

Wait, I need to concentrate on this game
Lets see…
We have the California “Tree” and that other mascot….
That looks like Jimmy Swaggart after a weekend bender
DEMON DEACONS 28-24

Fresno State at Wisconsin
Behold the Power of Pasteurized Velveeta
BADGERS 31-24

Duke at Army
One of the First signs of the coming Apocalypse?
The Black Knights of the Hudson win two games in a row…
BLACK KNIGHTS 33-14

Albion at Thiel College
“Tonic” has his own college?
He must have more money squirreled away than Ernest Tubb
But I have to ask….
Why is he playing against one of Prince’s former backup singers?
TONICS 24-17

EDITORS NOTE: The above was intended as an inside joke…
If you didn’t get it, don’t worry about it.

Pittsburgh at Buffalo
I wonder….
Is Pittsburg playing the City, the College or the Animal?
They need to be more specific..
PANTHERS 38-10

Iowa at Iowa State
This battle for instate supremacy is played for the coveted Cy-Hawk Trophy
Not really sure what that is…
But I am betting it’s not as valuable as the Floyd of Rosedale…
I just found out the Floyd of Rosedale is a Trophy of a Bronze Pig ..
How cool is that?
HAWKEYES 24-23

Troy at Florida
This is going to get uglier than my sister-in-law’s Prom Night
Minus the midnight blue eye shadow…
MIGHTY GATORS 54-10

Marshall at Virginia Tech
This is an excellent opportunity for me to perform….
The “Hokie Pokey….:”
Wait? Is it “put my left foot in” or the other way around?
Now I am confused…
I hope I don’t pull something..
HOKIES 38-10

Arkansas State at Nebraska
I knew I shouldn’t have attempted the “Electric Slide”….
After my wife just waxed the kitchen floor
I can’t believe I broke the coffee pot….
CORNHUSKERS 43-13

Kent State at Boston College
The folks from Kent State are known as the “Golden Flashes”
What are they referring too?
A bunch of old People flashing traffic in front of the Rest Home?
Sorry for the visual…
CHESNUTT HILL EAGLES 41-7

Gallaudet at Hiram
I knew and old man named Hiram when I was a little boy…
He was the toughest man I ever knew…
This fancy pants Frenchman wouldn’t stand a chance against him..
HIRAM SISK 43-24

Texas at Wyoming
Longhorns stampede Cowboys….
Film at Eleven…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 45-16

Houston at Oklahoma State
The Cowboys had better be careful…
The Cougars are for real….
COWBOY UP! 33-28

Texas Christian at Virginia
If the Cavaliers couldn’t beat a liquored up Bill and Mary
Then they sure can’t take a Horned Frog down…
It’s a rule…
HORNED FROGS 28-17

Susquehanna at Juniata
There is nothing quite like watching two Mexican girls fight…
While I perform the Macarena.
JUNIATA 17-10

Brigham Young at Tulane
The Green Wave will be reduced to a chartreuse trickle before this one is over..
COUGARS 33-13

Notre Dame at Michigan
In honor of this game…
I will now perform the Polka…

But to be perfectly honest…
I would rather be water boarded than listen to polka music..
FIGHTING IRISH 28-17

Howard at Rutgers
Howard? Howard Sprague from the Andy Griffith Show?
Doesn’t really matter here….
Because Barney Fife is still the man…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 38-0

Idaho at Washington
Keeping with the theme of “Idaho”…
I will now perform the “Mash Potato”…
MIGHTY HUSKIES 31-24

East Carolina at West Virginia
I love the smell of burned couches smoldering in the morning air…
It smells like…
Victory…
MOUNTAINEERS 34-24

Louisiana Tech at Navy
I won’t doubt the Midshipmen again…
At least not this week…
MIDSHIPMEN 33-24

South Arkansas at Valdosta State
Now this is a shame…
The Folks from “Football Country” in Valdosta Georgia…
Used to be known as the “Rebels”
But since that is deemed as “racist” by a bunch of Yankees
They are now known as the “Blazers”…
What is so scary about a nice sport coat?
Who sponsors them, The Men’s Wearhouse?
MEN’S WEARHOUSE 31-28

Southern Methodist at UAB
My Poor Ponies will be outmatched in this one…
That’s all I have to say about that…
BLAZERS 33-17

EDITORS NOTE: Why are these “Blazers” mascot a Dragon?
Is it a well dressed Dragon? A Dragon wearing a sport coat?
It doesn’t make sense to me…
Never mind…

UCLA at Tennessee
It seemed at first glance…
That performing a Tennessee version of a “Ho-Down” would be most appropriate for this game.
But that term has an entirely different meaning in OBKnoxville….
When a person says “Ho-Down” in OBKnoxville..
It is usually followed by someone yelling, “And call the Po-lice!”
VOWELS 33-24

Georgia Southern at South Dakota State
As far as I am concerned….
When it comes to Statesboro…
Coach Russell is still the man, the myth and the Legend.
EAGLES 24-21

Weber State at Colorado State
Have I mentioned lately…
That the folks from Weber make a wonderful little grill perfect for tailgating?
RAMS 31-14

Eastern Washington at California
Since the State of California has become “Mexico North”, I will now perform…
The Flamingo…
What’s with holding your hand in the air while you snap your fingers?
I don’t get it..
GOLDEN BEARS 44-10

Jacksonville State at Florida State
I almost lost my fingers in the damn ceiling fan…
I need to get some more ice and take some more Tylenol
SEMINOLES 34-0

James Madison at Maryland
I am not to sure about Jim….
But I know his lovely wife Dolly makes some wonderful donuts
Not that it matters here
FIGHTING TURTLES 31-17

La Grange at Shorter College
I KNEW there was a college for midgets!
HAW HAW HAW 24-14

EDITORS NOTE: In case you didn’t know..
The above Pick was in reference to my favorite ZZ Top song…

Murray State at North Carolina State
My Tennessee Vol “Salute” finger is so swollen it looks like a hotdog…
Glad I didn’t lose it…
WOLFPACK 23-17

Florida International at Alabama
The Folks from Florida should know all about High Tides by now…
CRIMSON TIDE 34-0

Vanderbilt at LSU
The Commodores haven’t beaten the Tigers in LSU since 1951..
That streak continues Saturday Night…
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-10

South Carolina at Georgia
This game is going to bloodier than Prom night at the Butcher School
DAWGS 20-17

North Alabama at Henderson State
The Boys from Florence get it done again this week…
LIONS 33-10

Mississippi State at Auburn
Get the toilet paper out Tiger fans….
And head on down to Toomer’s Corner…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 28-17

Air Force at Minnesota
I always thought “Salsa” was just a tasty dip with tortilla chips..
And “Doing the Salsa”..
Meant somebody had to run down to Piggly Wiggly to get more dip at halftime.
Who knew it was actually a dance?
FALCONS 28-24

Bowling Green at Missouri
Despite the fact “Curley” is my favorite of the Three Stooges..
I still have go with MO in this one..
MO’S TIGERS 33-13

Hawaii at Washington State
I was going to watch this game….
But, the North American Pineapple Skinning Championships are on ESPN U…
I can’t miss it…
Sorry…
WARRIORS skipping over RAINBOWS 6-3

Illinois State at Illinois
“Run here come the Sycamore Trees!”
Sorry, I still don’t get it…
FIGHTN’ PUMPKINS 31-10

Central Florida at Southern Miss
On paper this is going to be a really close game…
But they don’t play football games on paper.
GOLDEN EAGLES 27-23

Rice at Texas Tech
I would never disappoint my Red Raider faithful
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS! 34-17

Kansas at Texas El Paso UTEP
I figured out what “Salsa” means in Spanish…
It means…
“If you aren’t careful, you will pull a muscle in your hip”
JAYHAWKS 23-21

South Florida at Western Kentucky
I really didn’t think this whole “Interpretive Dance” idea through..
Or I would have bought more ice..
NO BULL 31-17

Southern California at Ohio State
Maybe I have injured myself too much today with my interpretive dance..
Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking…
It could just be my deep hatred of everything Southern California
Either way…
I am a believer
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 24-17

Miami (Ohio) at Boise State
Remember you heard it here first…
The Broncos will finish the season undefeated…
BRONCOS 34-10

Tulsa at New Mexico
My hand is so swollen from catching it in the ceiling fan that I am typing with my elbow.
Not the one I hit with the coffee pot, the other elbow.
But setting on this ice pack makes me appreciate how polar bears must feel.
GOLDEN HURRICANES 33-28

Northern Arizona at Arizona
I was going to do this ballet thing….
But I think I broke my toe on the coffee table earlier doing the damn River Dance
Sorry..
WILDCATS 6-3

Purdue at Oregon
I was trying to think of something positive to say about the Quackers
But the Tylenol is starting to kick in…
BOILERMAKERS 23-17

Utah at San Jose State
I have a semi-unrelated Philosophical question for you…
If San Jose is everybody’s Home Coming Game…
Then who do they play at Home Coming?
Makes you wonder. Doesn’t it?
TWO UTES 34-10

Oregon State at UNLV
Next time I want to do the picks through “Interpretive Dance”
I think I will just have somebody beat me with a fungo bat for an hour.
It won’t hurt nearly as bad…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 38-17

After I return from the Emergency Room…..
I will have a special update for you tomorrow…
So stay tuned….

Enjoy your games…

RTR
MEB

It’s finally here……
The start of the 2009 College Football Season….

This season we will see….
A Bedlam game and Back Yard Brawls….
Civil Wars and tussles over an old Brass Spittoon, an Oaken Bucket, a Wagon Wheel and a Victory Bell.
And yes….
There will be Holy Wars and fights over the Golden Boot and numerous battles for Bones, Buckles and other assorted hardware.

So put your tray table in its upright position….
And tighten those safety belts….
This season is going to be a bumpy ride….

Enjoy Your Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday September 3rd

South Carolina at North Carolina State
This is the way to start the season…..
Two evenly matched teams with bad blood between them…
The Wolfpack will be tough…..
But I rarely go against Coach Steve….
GAMECOCKS 24-21

Eastern Kentucky at Indiana
Hoosier Colonel?
HOOSIERS 27-17

Utah State at Utah
This is the Battle of the Brothers….
The first game in the fight for the Beehive Boot…
After last January I am a believer…
TWO UTES 34-31

EDITORS NOTE: Admit it…
I continually amaze you with the depth of my college football knowledge

Oregon at Boise State
In the last 60 games in beautiful Boise Idaho the Bronco’s won 58 of them….
That’s good enough for me….
Down go the Ducks…..
Remember you read it here first…
BRONCOS 33-28

WARNING: Viewing this game with the Oregon Duck “dancing highlighter” uniforms on the blue football field of Boise State can cause dots to appear before your eyes lasting for several hours.
If this condition persists, please see a physician.

Glenville at Chattanooga
Little known fact….
The Native American Word originally used for Chattanooga is….
“Chu na see Ka-ema Wa-sue Na maa”
Which means….
“White man make racist shoe school…..”
Coincidence? I think not..
RACIST SHOE U 21-10

Quincy at Southeast Missouri State
They named a school after that medical examiner on television?
That’s just crazy…
REDHAWKS 24-10

Friday September 4th

Tulsa at Tulane
In this game we have “Green Waves” and “Golden Hurricanes”
It sounds like a bunch of Port-O’-Johns got turned over…
Sorry for the visual….
GOLDEN HURRICANES 31-17

West Chester at Delaware
Just because Chester was on “Gunsmoke”…
Doesn’t mean he has to throw the “West” in his name…
We know “Gunsmoke” took place in the old west…
This is just insulting…
BLUE HENS 34-10

Assumption at Worchester State
I think we can “Assume” from this game…
That Worchester Sauce is a wonderful compliment to almost any tailgating experience.
LANCERS 20-10

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering….
Yes, there are times that I actually amaze myself…

Saturday September 5th

Portland State at Oregon State
In a choice between Vikings and Beavers…
I will take Beavers each and every time…
BEAVERS 44-10

Central Arkansas at Hawaii
I have four words for you concerning this game…
“Dog the Bounty Hunter”
WARRIORS on RAINBOWS 53-0

EDITORS NOTE: I know….
Dog the Bounty Hunter doesn’t have anything to do with this game..
I am just glad he is back on the air…
In case you were wondering…
That would be on A&E on Wednesday Nights..

Towson at Northwestern
I wonder…..
Does “Tow Son” have anything to do with my favorite Tow Truck museum?

http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org/

Just wondering…
WILDCATS 38-7

Dixie State at Southern Utah
Honestly, you had me at “Dixie”…
THUNDERBIRDS 24-10

Montana State at Michigan State
The Bobcats will be turned into house cats before the third quarter…
Believe it…
SPARTANS 38-21

Appalachian State at East Carolina
This game will be a closer than you might think….
PIRATES 31-29

Minnesota at Syracuse
Fighting Gophers and Otto the Orange…..
Sounds like a nightmare from Alice and Wonderland….
O So GOLDEN GOPHERS 23-17

Kentucky at Miami (OH)
After an exhaustive Google search I can assure you there isn’t a single palm tree anywhere in “Miami, Ohio”
With that in mind I cannot in good conscience pull for a team who’s entire history is based on a lie.
WILDCATS 33-28

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t want any hate mail from the folks in “Miami” Ohio…
I feel the same way about the folks from Rhode Island….

Wartburg at St Norbert
I have a lot of questions about this game….
Why is Norbert a saint and why do they have a college for people with warts?
GREEN KNIGHTS 23-17

Navy at Ohio State
I have some advice for Navy in this game…
Immediately after the midshipmen hear “and the rockets red glare…”
Somebody yell “Abandon ship!”
BUCKEYES 38-10

Akron at Penn State
Here is how it works…..
A “Zip”….not that I am completely sure what that is…
Cannot beat a Lion, Nittany or not….
JOE PA’s LIONS 34-9

Liberty at West Virginia
The Statue of Liberty carries a lighted torch…
In Morgantown they light couches after a win….
Not really sure about the correlation here..
Just thought I would mention it…
MOUNTAINEERS 38-6

Toledo at Purdue
I will tell you what came to mind when I realized this game would be about “Rockets and Boilermakers”…
I would need a Boilermaker if I was going to ride a Rocket….
Hence, why I never made it as an Astronaut
BOILERMAKERS 33-24

Northern Iowa at Iowa
A Panther can’t beat a Hawkeye….
I saw it on the Animal Planet, so it must be true
HAWKEYES 38-10

Western Kentucky at Tennessee
This game will be uglier than Prom Night at the Blind School…
And that’s just the fans….
VOWELS 56-0

Jacksonville State at Georgia Tech
The roosters will be fried chickens before the second quarter expires…
YELLOW JACKETS 44-10

Youngstown State at Pittsburgh
If you don’t want to see the hell beat out of a bunch of penguins…
Then don’t watch this one…
PANTHERS 34-14

Northeastern at Boston College
These colleges with more than one direction in their name make me believe that Rand McNally really does have his own university.
EAGLES 34-6

Nicholls State at Air Force
The Colonels will be reduced to Privates First Classes before halftime…
FALCONS 43-10

Weber State at Wyoming
Not that it’s all that important here…
But the folks at Weber make a wonderful grill perfect for tailgating..
COWBOY 28-10

San Jose State at Southern California
Yippee!
Another “Big” In state rivalry game for U$C….
TROJANS 114-3

Nevada at Notre Dame
The first home game of the season in South Bend…
And you know what that means…
They let that Leprechaun run around the stadium naked…..
Which is just icky….
FIGHTING IRISH 33-21

Western Michigan at Michigan
There is no truth to the rumor….
That Coach Rod’s wife had her breast job done by a veterinary school in West Virginia.
This is incorrect and hurtful.
Her procedure took place at Auburn University Veterinary School
I hope this cleared up any misunderstanding
WOLVERINES 28-24

Baylor at Wake Forest
UPSET SPECIAL….
Believe it…BEARS 24-21

Georgia at Oklahoma State
I have some bad news for my Bulldog faithful….
COWBOY UP 28-17

Carson Newman at North Alabama
A clash of Titans in Florence Alabama……
Each is a traditional powerhouse in their own right…
What a way to start the season…..
Wish I was there eating some of that wonderful Coleman’s BBQ….
SPARKS EAGLES 28-24

Jackson State at Mississippi State
The folks from Starkville and I agree….
You can never have enough cowbell….
BULLDOGS 24-10

Missouri at Illinois
This border clash is known as “The Arch Rivalry Game”
The past few years it’s been all MO’s Tigers…
This year…
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 24-17

Southern Illinois at Marshall
Three words for you….
“WE ARE MARSHALL”
THUNDERING HERD 28-17

Northwestern State at Houston
That darn Rand McNally has more colleges than Wal-Mart has superstores…
COUGARS 41-10

Citadel at North Carolina
The Heels lay it to the Dogs…
Film at Eleven….
TAR HEELS 31-10

Ouachita Baptist at Texas College
I have heard of Southern Baptist….
But I haven’t a clue to what an Ouachita Baptist is….
But I am willing to bet they won’t recognize each other in Hooter’s either
TIGERS 17-14

Middle Tennessee State at Clemson
If I have to go another year without tailgating with my adopted Clemson Family…
I am going on strike…
DABO TIGERS 34-17

Louisiana Tech at Auburn
The Bulldogs will keep it close until the opening kickoff….
WAR DAMN EAGLE 38-17

Missouri State at Arkansas
I am not quite sure what “Woo Pig Suey” means when the Arkansas faithful yell this at Razorback games….
I think in Latin it means “Bears get their Butts Beat”
HAWGS 43-3

Charleston Southern at Florida
If this game was a boxing match they would stop it in the first quarter…
MIGHTY GATORS 54-0

Wofford at South Florida
I think it’s wonderful that Chewbacca has his own college….
Not that it matters here…
BAD BULLS 34-10

Florida Atlantic at Nebraska
Welcome to Lincoln!
And enjoy your Husker ass whipping….
BO’s CORNHUSKERS 38-10

Brigham Young at Oklahoma
This game will played in beautiful Arlington Texas…
Don’t count the cougars out of this one….
SOONERS 38-34

New Mexico at Texas A&M
I hate to go against the Lobos…
But the Aggies are my favorite Agro-Americans….
GIG EM AGGIES 31-24

Louisiana Monroe at Texas
What in the Hell was Monroe thinking?
Those Longhorns are going to kill him!
HOOK EM HORNS 43-10

Northern Illinois at Wisconsin
Behold the Power of Cheese Whiz…..
BADGERS 38-14

Army at Eastern Michigan
West Point plays football like old people drive…
Slow and sloppy…
EAGLES 31-10

Northern Colorado at Kansas
I would watch this game…
But the History of Macaroni and Cheese is playing on the Food Channel
JAYS HAWKS 34-6

Alcorn State at Southern Miss
Nothing like a football Saturday in Hattiesburg …
I can almost smell that BBQ smoking from here…
GOLDEN EAGLES 41-10

North Dakota at Texas Tech
I feel bad for the folks from North Dakota…
They only have two seasons up there…
Winter and Fourth of July…
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 43-10

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note…
I hope while the Folks from North Dakota are in Lubbock they take in the Buddy Holly Museum.
It’s a must see…

San Diego State at UCLA
I would watch this game…
But this is the time I scheduled to rearrange my sock drawer.
Sorry…
BRUINS 33-17

Indiana State at Louisville
What is supposed to be so scary about a “Sycamore” Tree?
Everybody RUN! The Sycamores are coming!
That’s just stupid…
CARDINALS 41-0

Western Carolina at Vanderbilt
I can’t help but ask….
Catamount what?
I don’t get it…
COMMODORES 28-10

Idaho at New Mexico State
Famous Potato University are known as the Vandals..
Now there is an interesting mascot…
What is the name of their fight song?
“Pillage and Burn”?
AGGIES 24-17

Alabama at Virginia Tech
Prime Time In the Atlanta Georgia Dome…
No Hokey….
No Pokey…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-20

Stanford at Washington State
I would watch this game….
But the Regional Pineapple Skinning Championships are on ESPN U at the same time….
Sorry about that…
CARDINAL 6-3

Stephen F. Austin at Southern Methodist
I cannot in good conscience make any jokes about Stephen F. Austin…
It’s against my religion…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-28

Central Michigan at Arizona
For just a second I almost cared about this game…
Then I realized it was just gas…
WILDCATS 7-3

Idaho State at Arizona State
Bengals and Sun Devils….
Reminds me of a nightmare I had after a night of ill prepared Mexican Food…
I believe there was an iguana in there too…
Never mind..
DEVILS in the SUN 44-10

Maryland at California
The Ninja Turtles are outmatched in this one….
But the good news is…
Coach Fridge has successfully beaten anorexia…
Which is nice…
GOLDEN BEARS 33-17

LSU at Washington
Twenty five years ago this would have been a heck of a game…
It’s not, so it won’t be..
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 38-10

Sunday September 6th

Ole Miss at Memphis
I think this rivalry is played for the Velvet Elvis…
Thank you, thank you very much…
REBELS 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: Not that it’s all that important here..
But I do a phenomenal Elvis impersonation…

Colorado State at Colorado
The Rocky Mountain Showdown
For the coveted Centennial Cup….
This game always comes down to the last minute…
Hold on to your seats….
BUFFALOS 33-31

Monday September 7th

Cincinnati at Rutgers
All the experts are picking the Scarlett Knights…
That’s why I am going with the Boys from Chili Town…
BEARKATS 21-17

Miami at Florida State
This is a classic Instate rivalry……
It has produced some of the greatest games in college football history…
In fact….
Coach Bobby remembers….
Setting in the stands with his father watching one of the first games in this rivalry…
I believe it was in 1909…..
SEMINOLES 24-17

Your Week 2 College Football Picks and Prognostications will be out next week…
So stay tuned….

And enjoy your games…

RTR
MEB

Let’s face it….
When it comes to college football….
We dearly love to hate each other….

Now I am not throwing rocks at anybody….
I am right there with you….

EDITORS NOTE: For those readers that don’t think this section applies to you…
Don’t make me say that “one” word that will remind you of your hated rival and make your head pop off.
Because I will do it…

Certainly rivalries and grudges are not confined to the South……

EDITORS NOTE: But thanks to our neighbors to the north…
We Southerners have made it an art form…

But in the world that is college football…..
There are few nerves or feelings that are as raw as those between the Ohio State Buckeyes and the Michigan Wolverines….

EDITORS NOTE: You don’t think so?
Some Michigan Fans will write me nasty letters this week because the above sentence has “Buckeyes” before “Wolverines”.
Believe it….

The Big 10….
And Big Ole Hard feelings….

Let us not question it…
We should embrace it….

The names are synonymous with the Greatest of All-Time in College Football…..

Woody….
Bo….

Rex Kerns…
Jack Tatum…
Champ Henson….
Jim Stillwagon…
Archie Griffin…

Tom Harmon…
Charles Woodson…
Desmond Howard…
Antony Carter…
Tom Brady…

The Big Horseshoe…
The Big House….

Show me a person that claims they are a fan of one of those teams…
That says….
“I really don’t care who wins the game…”

I will show you a closet Canadian….

There is no middle ground for the universities, alumni, fans or players….

There are even billboards in northern Ohio that read….

The “real” fans of those teams live it…
Everyday….
365 days of the year….

I respect that….

Please enjoy the short clip..
And….
Embrace the hate….

Click here to view the embedded video.

RTR
MEB

I guess they can’t handle the truth….

After my commentary last week….
The twin towers of stupidity had the unmitigated gall to title their next article….
“Meet their Match: Can anyone Catch Southern California?”

Are you kidding me?
The gibbering idiots at the College Football News went on to say…
“That if Southern California can survive their brutal road schedule, they will be a lock for the National Championship game.”

Brutal road schedule, is that some sort of a joke?
Granted they play The Ohio State Buckeyes in the Big Horseshoe this year..
But playing at Washington, Notre Dame and Oregon is brutal?

I half expected to hear them squeal like 10 year old girls while they were writing…
“O My Gosh, they like also play at California and at Arizona State!…
They are like playing Golden Bears and Sun Devils, that just sounds so scary!
But that Coach Pete is just so dreamy…
Where is that picture of him in Tiger Beat?”

While they were in the throngs of ecstasy wallowing in their love of Saint Pete and the Trojans, they once AGAIN failed to mention anything about the “on-going” NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans.

Instead….
They wanted us all to know that eleven players have left the University of Tennessee football team since Lane Kiffin took over as head coach. They also felt obligated to inform us that Coach Kiffin had given a scholarship to a kid that was convicted of a heinous rape a few years before.

But…..
They failed to mention anything at the time about the Trojan’s Frostee Rucker.
He was a defensive lineman that was expelled from Colorado State for sexually assaulting a female student and indecent exposure.
He was immedately recruited by Saint Pete and Southern California and accepted a scholarship to play for the Trojans.

But the story doesn’t end there….
It was reported that Rucker sexually assaulted another girl while at Southern California in August of 2005.

The shocking part to all of this?
He never missed a game at U$C….
Not one…
In fact the story never came to light until his eligibility with the Trojans expired.
What a crazy coincidence, right?

You want to talk about “Golden Boy” Mark Sanchez and his Rape Charge?

I didn’t think so….

You still think I am being too harsh?

Last week ….
The NCAA released their findings on the Graduation Success Rates (GSR) data of the various universities and colleges.
In case you didn’t know…
The NCAA has mandated that University and College athletic programs must meet a specific criteria for graduation of athletes or risk being banned from post season play.

The fine folks (Nazis actually….) from Indianapolis..
Penalized the football programs from Chattanooga, Jacksonville State and McNeese State….
As well as other smaller schools….
And banned them from post-season play.

But interestingly enough….
Not one, but two PAC 10 Universities scored below the accepted minimum…
And lower than two of the colleges mentioned above…
Yet they were not penalized at all….

Maybe….
They didn’t penalize the PAC 10 schools because they aren’t in the South?

You still need convincing?

The NCAA will not allow ANY tournaments in the state of Mississippi….
Because “they” don’t like the state flag….
Despite the fact the fine people of Mississippi voted to keep the current flag design..
I guess the folks in Indianapolis choose not to recognize popular elections in this country..

The NCAA will not allow ANY tournaments in the state of South Carolina…
Because the confederate battle flag flies over a confederate monument on the grounds of the state capital.
I guess the NCAA believes they have the right to tell the STATE of South Carolina what displays they should have on STATE property…

The reason I mention this…
Is because…

The NCAA didn’t ban any tournaments or anything else for that matter….
In Los Angeles after the Rodney King Riots…

They didn’t ban any tournaments in Boston due to racial strife or gay marriages..

They won’t penalize a state until they account for all illegal aliens…
And “undocumented workers”…

They won’t ban teams in a state that provides a haven for terrorists and Muslim extremists..

They won’t punish a city that bans Military Recruiters from college campuses…

So are we to believe that only Southerners are raciest?

If you believe that then I bet you didn’t hear or read about this…
On February 8, 2007 several Southern California Trojan football players created and joined a racist Facebook group as a “joke”….

The racist Facebook group was called “White Nation”: it showed a graphic of a swastika and a black baby in handcuffs with the caption “arrest black babies before they become criminals.”
The group was created by U$C linebacker Clay Matthews and was joined by teammates David Buehler, Brian Cushing, Dan Deckas and Dallas Sartz and others…

Coach Pete Carroll responded to reports of the incident by saying he had “No Plans to discipline the players” and U$C later announced that none of the players would be punished.

According to Pete Carroll….
“It’s not a controversy, it’s a mistake.”

What would have been the national media’s reaction….
If that would have happened in Gainesville, Starkville or Clemson?
Or God Forbid…
Alabama….

At the very least…
We would have been subjected to a week long “Mississippi Burning” marathon on TBS..

According to the national sports media and the NCAA…
We Southerners are the only cheaters…

But it’s O.K. that Pete Carroll in February 2007 lied about his and Reggie Bush’s contact with Joe McKnight to both the NCAA and his employer.
You remember that right?

U$C compliance officials announced they were investigating whether an NCAA violation occured during the Trojan’s pursuit of Louisiana prep star running back Joe McKnight. The investigation followed reports that McKnight had told reporters that U$C Coach Pete Carroll had set up a conference call so he and high school coach J.T. Curtis could be reassured by ex-Trojan running back Reggie Bush that U$C would not be punished for a separate NCAA Investigation into improper benefits taken by Bush while at U$C.

Carroll later denied that any call took place, and Curtis said that McKnight misspoke.
But…
According to NCAA officials, if U$C got Bush’s help in recruiting McKnight….
It would be considered a “secondary violation” of recruiting rules…

But the NCAA gave them a pass….

Just like the NCAA gave U$C and Dwayne Jarrett a pass when he “didn’t know” he had to pay rent at a luxury apartment at $4500.00 dollars a month for a year and a half.

EDITORS NOTE: If you are counting….
In rent alone that comes to Over 80K…

No mention of course….
From the NCAA on utilities or what type of ride D-Wayne had at the time…
I guess they “didn’t know” they should have looked into that too….

If you think I am being picky here..
Try that stunt next time you buy groceries…
Just take what you want and head to the car…
In the event you get caught…
Just tell them..
You “didn’t know” you had to pay for them…
And then see how far that gets you…

All the while…
The national sports media and the NCAA..
Wants to “look into serious violations of student athlete miss-use of text books” at Alabama…
It was reported that “Up to fifteen hundred dollars of text book mis-use has been reported…”

Wow and you call that a scandal?
But Reggie Bush and his family can accept Hundreds of Thousands of dollars in cash…
Flights…
Weekend getaways…
Vehicles…
From a registered Sports Agent while at U$C..
And it’s all O.K.?
Right?

If it seems at times I take this all too seriously…
It’s because I do…

Because…
I don’t like smartass yankees and sue happy Californians picking on my beloved South…

If they keep this up I might just run for the President of the Republic of Texas…
Don’t laugh..
I am a hellava lot more qualified than what you have seen lately…

RTR
MEB

However I have a question….
When Alabama recorded attendance for the spring scrimmage of almost ninety four thousand back in 2006, northeastern “sports writers” (I use that term loosley)…
Slammed the Alabama faithful by calling them….
“tobacco spitting hicks packing the stands waiting for the glory years of yesterday to return.”

Some of the “writers” went as far as to suggest that…
“southerners as a whole put too much emphasis on football”
Really?

So where are THOSE writers when proud Buckeyes filled the Big Horseshoe to capacity?
No where to be seen or heard….
You want to know why?

Because “they” don’t like us in the South….
and more specifically they despise the Southeastern Conference….

You think it ends there?
It doesn’t….
The most recent article on Fox Sports website with a link to the Trojan Loving “College Football News” opens with a picture of Alabama’s Coach Saban titled…
“Low Tide”….
We haven’t played a game in 2009…
Yet they title their article “Low Tide”?

They went on to “suggest” that the mighty Trojans of Southern California WILL be playing in the National Championship game next season….

But you want to know what else they failed to mention?

Not a word about the fact the “mighty” Trojans are starting a “new” quarterback or replacing a defense…
Or the fact they have a schedule that is softer than Charmine bathroom tissue…
Or play in a conference that produces competition that is about as stiff as a Twizzler…

But more importantly….

They didn’t mention a word about the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California.

The very same network that couldn’t wait for the NCAA Investigation before they pronounced Oklahoma “guilty” when two football players made “almost” nine thousand dollars over the summer at a local car dealership.

The same network that called the Alabama textbook investigation…
“A Scandal”

Yet a player from Southern California can have his family live in a 750K house rent free…
Accepted hundreds of thousands of dollars from a registered sports agent…

Or have a wide receiver from the University live in a $4500.00 a month apartment “rent free” for a year in a half…

Because “he didn’t know he had to pay rent…..”
And that’s all O.K. right?

The NCAA wants the Southern California case to go away and so do the networks.
Why?

Because it’s only us dirty tobbaco spitting Southerners that cheat…
That takes our football “too seriously..”

They hate us because of Tim Tebow..
Because of Hershel Walker…
The Wishbone..
Urban and Les…
Howards Rock…
And
Danny Ford…
And
Bo Jackson…
Nick
Mike the Tiger
And
The Bear…..

They hate us for our Character…
Because they have so little of it…

They hate us for our passion..
Because they don’t feel it…

They hate us for our Championships…
Because we are simply better than they are…

So if it’s alright with the fine folks from FOX Sports and the College Football News we will go ahead and play the games this year before they decide to give the trophy to Saint Pete’s Trojans.

But before I leave you this week…

Where is the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

Speak up NCAA…
PAC 10 Conference…
ESPN…
FOX SPORTS….
College Football News….

We Southerners are a patient people…
When we aren’t spitting tobacco waiting for the glory days of yesteryear and taking our College Football too seriously.

But make no mistake..
We are waiting…

And before you ask…
No, I will not let this go…

RTR
MEB