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College Football Picks Week 11 USMC Edition

MEB — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 14:08:55 +0000

Ladies and Gentlemen –

This week’s picks will be in Honor of the Marine Corps Birthday and Veterans Day.

Since 10 November 1775 The United States Marine Corps has stood on the Nation’s porch like a Pit Bull waiting to be unleashed when the occupants of the house are threatened.

We have served in peace and for the past decade, a lot of war, a lot of war.

Some people categorize us as “military”, we are that but we are also a cult; a cult that doesn’t believe in putting your hands in your pockets, walking on grass when wearing dress shoes or carrying umbrellas under any circumstances.

And by chance if you were wondering why the Marines in your workplace this week were always an hour early to work or an hour early to meetings the reason is very simple.

Regardless of the time change real Marines don’t “fall back” for any reason.

I want to take this opportunity to wish a very Happy 236th Birthday to all my Marine Brothers and Sisters past, present and future. And please don’t forget that Friday is Veteran’s Day

If you see a Veteran, don’t thank them for their “service” that sounds like they just got finished rotating and balancing your tires. Thank them for your “Freedom” because that is what their blood, sweat and tears in uniform bought for you.

Enjoy your Picks…..

POST WEEKEND REPLAY

I certainly do appreciate all the “get well” cards this past week and I want to assure you that the liver transplant I received at Wal-Mart from the automotive department went surprisingly well.

I was a bit hesitant about buying a liver from “China” but before you ask how I knew the liver I purchased was from China, which by the way can be found in Wal-Mart between the Sporting Goods and Automotive Departments, it’s because I have this craving to eat a plate of Chicken Chow Mein and loan a large sum of money to the United States government.

I just wish they wouldn’t have used Velcro to stitch me up with….
That stuff catches on everything…

Too bad I didn’t Velcro My picks last week, I might have done better.

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 53 and 13 or 80% last week.

And that leaves The CFB Wizard at 545 and 143 or 79% for the season after 10 weeks.

We have a lot to discuss, so let’s get to it.

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC country!!!

With the Big Blue Trojans of Telfair having ended their season, I was set to take a hiatus until next year with this column and do some huntin’ and maybe a little fishing over at Little Ocmulgee Lake. However, The CFB Wizard talked me into hanging around until the end of the High School playoffs and, maybe, the College season.

I am humbled and grateful that people actually read what I’ve written. However, I was kind of at a loss as to what to do with my Friday nights. Well, I decided to take the long drive down to Folkston, Georgia to watch the home standing Indians of Charlton County take on the Clinch County Panthers to see firsthand how the power brokers of Region 2-A were doing in an annual game they call the “Swamp War”. It’s a long 90 mile ride around the Okefenokee Swamp and through the Spanish moss laden water and scrub oaks, between Homerville and Folkston. But that didn’t stop the visiting Panthers from bringing a large contingent of supporters to see this clash of 2-A Titans.

This 60th edition of The Swamp War had important playoff implications as each team was jockeying for playoff seeding positions in upcoming post season play. Clinch, the defending 2010 Class A champions of Georgia from West of the Swamp, came up just a bit short in a 21-14 loss to the Big Indians from East of the Swamp. The Tribe’s Tre Hamilton continued his assault on the hallowed Charlton County record books as he posted over 100 yards rushing and scored 2 touchdowns in the win. This well played game was another classic in the 60 year old rivalry between two of the tradition rich schools of South Georgia’s powerful 2-A region. Next week Clinch travels to Mitchell County and Charlton will host Miller County in the first round of the second season of 2011.

Everyone in the state of Georgia knows who Isaiah Crowell is, where he’s from, and they probably know everything there is to know about his diet, his dreads, and what classes he takes at the University. But, quick, who were the running backs for the Cow College against New Mexico State on Saturday?
Unless you read the write ups in the sports sections of your local papers you never would have guessed Branden Smith, a defensive crossover, and former walk-ons Brandon Harton and Kyle Karempelis. Who?

In a scenario reminiscent of the movie “Rudy”, these seldom used backups got to run for glory in a 63-16 romp over the Agriculturists from out West. In a pay off game scheduled as a break before the big Auburn showdown next week, Georgia will undoubtedly be excited to see Crowell and company back in the fold. And, by the way, the loud cheering you heard late Saturday night in Athens wasn’t “Dooooooogs”, it was “Hooooooogs”, as the Fayettville Fatback crew did their jobs in helping the Canines to the top of the SEC East heap.

In Hot-lanta, the Rambling Wreck got a week off to get a tune up and prepare for a big Thursday night showdown with the Turkeys from Vah-Tech. It remains to be seen whether the calculator commandos will be able to punch in a winning formula to try to take charge of the ACC Coastal Division.

And up in Eagle Creek, the Blue Clad Crows got a little divine intervention and Christmas in November combined, as they squeaked by the Cadets from the Holy City in a Bone vs Bone showdown at “The Prettiest Little Stadium in America.” The Eagles must have still had the Mountaineer Blues in a 14-12 game. But they blocked 2 Knob extra points, which proved to be the difference in the game. In the upset bid which was eerily similar to last years miracle over the Mountain Men, the Cadets lined up for a field goal in a last second upset bid of their own. 13 seconds left with a 37 yard field goal attempt in Gale force winds. It was so windy that Georgia’s bald eagle mascot, Freedom, could not make his pregame flyover.
The snap. The kick. “I thought I made it,” said the Citadel’s Ryan Sellers. “It was right down the middle,” said Eagle’s corner Laron Scott. “I couldn’t even look, and then I heard everyone yelling,” Suddenly, miraculously, the wind kicked up again. Sellers: “It was right down the middle, and the wind caught it…and it went wide right. It was the best feeling in the world, and then the worst.” Time runs out. The team that Erk built eeks out a win. Despite the close call, the outlook for Southern’s bid to win the SoCon got a little better with a loss by those same Boone Boys to the Paladin’s of Furman. But they’ll have to win on the road at the home of the Southern Conference’s number 2 team, the Terriers of Wofford to stay ahead of the pack. Yes, folks, the plot thickens….

In case you hadn’t heard, over in Tuscaloosa, there was a game between the Bayou Bengals and the Crimson Tide in a matchup of biblical proportions. The Cajun Cats came up with a little luck of their own as they squeaked by the hometown pachyderms by a 9-6 score. I don’t know about anyone else, but to me this was a thoroughly enjoyable game, which reminded me of how football was played in a bygone era. Lots of defense and hard hitting, like Ali-Frazier, feeling each other out, and looking for an edge. The Tide proved to be their own worst enemies though, as they had 2 missed field goals and one that was blocked. This proved to be their downfall as LSU, hung in, made some big plays, and finally came away with a win in overtime. At the end of the game, The Mad Hatter was asked if he’d like to play Bama again if things worked out right. His answer? “I’d be honored to play that team again.” Don’t know about anyone else, but to me, that’s class. That scenario probably won’t play out, but I’d love to see Clash of the SEC Titans II.

Over in Fayetteville, Arkansas, the Hungry Hogs did their part in spoiling the Columbia Cocks season as they came away with a 44-28 win. The chickens are struggling as of late with injuries and dismissals. Conner Shaw showed some dazzling running ability but also showed flashes of First Year Starter woes as he was unable to hook up with All World receiver Alshon Jefferies very often and was finally knocked out of the game late in the 4th quarter. The Head Ball Coach is doing some good things in South Carolina but he still hasn’t been able to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. He gets the receivers and defensive players, but he still hasn’t been able to pull in a big name High School quarterback to get them over the mountain. Next up for the Cocks are the Reeling Reptiles from Gainesville in a make or break game to try to keep up with Georgia for SEC supremacy.

Elsewhere, the Nebraska Farm Hands had their hands full with a bunch of Crazy Cats from Northwestern. The Felines proved to be rude guests as they came away with a 28-25 win in Lincoln. I think the Corn-shuckers are going to have to revise their expectations of running away with the Big Ten-ish Division crown.
In Columbus, Ohio, the Buck-nuts eased by a 1-9 Hoosier squad 34-20. As impressive as they think their season is the 6-3 Ohians still had a much tougher time against this perennial cellar dweller than they anticipated.
And then there’s Tommy Tubberville’s Texas Tech Tankers. I’m still scratching my head over the Red Raiders. The Gunslingers come away from a road game in Norman with a 41-38 win over the Sooners, and then got embarrassed by Iowa State and followed it up with another stinker against Texas. A 52-20 loss is not hangoverish after Oklahoma. It’s I aint got a clue football at it’s finest. But enough of that. There should be plenty of shuffling in the standings this week, as 7 of the top 25 teams were beaten. Things are about to get interesting as we draw closer to the Bowl season we are down to 5 undefeated FCS teams and only a few weeks left in the season.

Once again, it’s time for the Peach State Prognostication. I’ve been hitting the little smart pill machine (to borrow a famous expression from Leonard Postostis) and doing tons of research, to make the most accurate pick possible. The Dogs looked pretty good against an overmatched opponent from 2 time zones away. Crowell got a rest, and Murray impressed. The Slide Rule Jocks took a week off to revamp a porous defense and to try to tune up an offense that until last week looked like it had thrown a rod. As the game creeps closer and closer, I’m starting to see something in my crystal ball that looks like a Georgia win: 28-27.
Yep, I’m sticking to it.
Nothing much happened to change my mind over the weekend, so I’m taking the easy way out and it’s a repeat of last week’s star gazing.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
I know you only write about college football but I have to ask you with all the labor disagreements between the players union and the owners do you think we will see any Professional Basketball this year?

James – Alexandria, Virginia

A: There is such a thing as “professional” basketball?

Who knew?

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard

A co-worker of mine forwarded me the link to your sports “column” and I had the displeasure of having read your tripe. I don’t know which was worse, your inability to grasp the English language, your latent tendencies towards racism and sexism or the fact I won’t ever be able to get that time back I wasted from reading your ridiculous ramblings.

Perhaps in the future you could learn something from a simple children’s book entitled…
“Middle English: a primer for beginners”. That would be a good start

Sincerely – Debra, Columbus, Ohio

A: “Middle English”?
You never mentioned that you were a fan of “The Lord of the Rings” or that you were an angry midget, which may explain your anger management issues.

Q: Hey Wizard!
You did it Man! You called it! The Louisville Cardinals beat West Virginia!
How did you do it! What’s your system?
Thanks!
John – Louisville, Kentucky

A: Thank you John, but I don’t have a “system” for such prognostications.
I am nothing more than a genius; unfortunately my “gift” seems to be confined to games of which I am not “emotionally” involved with.

Q: Dear Sir –

As a registered clinical psychologist I can ascertain from your column that you may have a disorder caused from having a myriad of personalities at least that is my preliminary diagnosis from reading your columns.
Do you find that you have any symptoms of a multiple personality disorder?

Sincerely – Dr. Richard Jacobs MD, Boston, Massachusetts

A: Gosh Doc you make that sound like it’s a “bad thing”

The Great thing about having multiple personalities is that I can have a party all by myself.

Q: Dear Sir,

It’s me again and I’ve got a problem I was wondering if you might help me with.
I didn’t want to write that Dear Abby lady cause she gets kind of snippy and sassy sometimes and right now I’m sensitive and vulnerable.
You remember how I just loved me some Tim Tebow?
Well, if you’ve been under a rock for a little while, he up and left from Flarda and run off out west to play some more football with somebody else.
I was heartbroke.
I couldn’t believe that two timer would leave me and the whole state of Flarda and not even tell me bye. I still love that boy but if he ever comes back I’ll have a sharp eye out on him.
Anyway, since I got over Tim Tebow I didn’t have nobody to love and admire and then I saw that John Brantley fella. You know, he’s cute enough, and all that but he just don’t twirl my propellers like Tim Tebow did. You know he didn’t even have an exotic and foreign sounding name either. I mean, Tim Teeeeeebow just sounds so French or Spanish or something.
So I just want to know this. Do you thank that Muscrat fella that’s running the Gater team will ever go out and pick him up a fella to play quarterback for the Gaters that is as dreamy, and cute, and just plain purty as Tim Tebow?

Thanks for listening Mr Wizard

Tracy in Homassassa

A: Tracy; Timmy has been gone for a couple of years now, you need to move on.

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
I read this week that it is the Marine Corps Birthday and wanted to wish you and all the other Marines a Happy Birthday! But I also have a question for you that I hope to share with the third grade class I teach here in Platte City, Missouri.
After all the countries you Marines have to deployed too, particularly the past ten years or so, are you required to learn several languages?

Thank you

Margaret – Platte City, Missouri

A: No ma’am, we don’t go to those places to talk.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

PENN STATE: I have written this and re-written this piece. I am still angry, but this is all I have to say for now concerning what is going on at Penn State. I hope I can be coherent this time around.

So Penn State is going to let the big money donors and the national media drive them to FIRE a college football Legend for what, because Joe “should” have known something?

I wasn’t aware “should have known something” was a crime

I also wasn’t aware that was a criteria for firing somebody, then maybe I should be the “only” source of College Football News (I suppose I am anyway) because the entire National Sports media and media in general “should have known” the “real” story about Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans for five damn years, right? Do you need some more examples, some maybe a little closer to “home” for some of you expert media types, because I have a few more I could share with you.

There is a lot I could say about this topic and the way Coach Joe has been treated this past week, but I will simply say this; you should all be ashamed of yourselves for the way you are treating Joe Pa and believe me; you vultures will reap what you sow

AUBURN: This week the Auburn Tiger Family lost a true matriarch….

Evelyn Walker Jordan, the wife of Auburn’s legendary coach Ralph “Shug” Jordan.

Mrs. Jordan died following a brief illness last Thursday at age 98. She was laid to rest this week at Holy Trinity Episcopal Church in Auburn this week.

She was a native of Augusta, Georgia and grew up in Macon, Georgia and Columbia, South Carolina where she received a bachelor’s degree in sociology from the University of South Carolina.

She did graduate work at Tulane University in New Orleans and later earned a master’s degree at Auburn, where she served as Panhellenic adviser and worked as a counselor for married and international students for many years.

She received the university’s Pamela Wells Sheffield Award in 1992 in recognition of her service and commitment to Auburn.

And I would like to add…..

Miss Evelyn was a real Southern Lady and a fine person.
She was class, dignity and strength covered in Southern Charm.
They don’t make too many ladies like her anymore.

She will be deeply missed, deeply missed.

ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL STUDIO: The problem about trying to talk about “all” the other sports going on during College Football Saturday’s is that it can have a tendency to tongue tie the commentator. Such was the case this past Saturday when everybody’s favorite ditzy sports blonde ESPN’s Wendi Nix had this to say in the College Football Pre-game Studio Show….

“And to NASCAR, this weekend….
We will see if Tony Stewart can take home another Checkered Fag this weekend in Texas….”

EDITORS NOTE: And that my friends is why I don’t follow NASCAR…
I think they have taken this “Diversity” thing a little too far.

OKLAHOMA STATE: Your Quarterback is 28 years old? Really?

Shouldn’t he have been playing in the NFL for like five years already?

CBS COLLEGE FOOTBALL: From the “Here we Go Again” files….

We all know Vern “The syphilitic dwarf” Lundquest and Gary “Dumbass” Danielson don’t have anything good to say about anything related to the University of Alabama Crimson Tide and I finally figured why….

They are still hooked on “Cammy Cam Juice”

You gibbering idiots do know that stuff has an expiration date, right?

ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL PART II: This one is from the…..
“What’s Good for the Goose is Good for the Gander” File….

The fact that ESPN is losing all their credibility as a College Sports “News” outlet with most of their main college reporters, writers and contributors (Feldman, Forde, etc.) departing ESPN Bristol, Connecticut may just be leaving themselves trapped with the corrupted Craig James for more days and years than sports fans see fit.

Especially since sports fans’ days of Craig James employment ran out 23 months ago when Texas Tech gave up on their pirate head coach due to ESPN’s interference based on a James’ infamous complaint.

I think it’s time to start a “Fire Craig James” Campaign

After all…..

“What’s Good for the Goose is Good for the Gander”

Right?

OKLAHOMA: So you are ahead of the Aggies 41 to 10 in the fourth quarter and you keep your starters in to try and score more points, right?

Real Classy Sooners, real classy.

TEXAS: Speaking of the Aggies of College Station….

The folks from Austin have produced a t-shirt that has become immensely popular on campus…

TEXAS A&M: Now before all you Aggies start sending me nasty emails (again)

I want to give equal time to some talented folks from Aggieland that produced this short video.

I don’t care who you are, this is funny.

GIG EM

Get through the brief advertisement at the beginning and Enjoy…

Click here to view the embedded video.

BCS COMMITTEE: This past week it was reported that the BCS Committee “didn’t think” that the White House and the President of the United States would file a Federal lawsuit against the Bowl Championship Committee in an effort to “shake up” the Championship process.

EDITORS NOTE: Gosh….

I would really hope that the “White House and the President of the United States” would have more important things to worry about other than who plays who in a damn bowl game.

I don’t know…
Like maybe unemployment, the War in Afghanistan and the economy in the crapper.

You know, “little things” like that

NORWICH: You won last week just like I said you would with your talented Long Ding.
You have the most talented Long Ding in the Country, Congratulations.

NEBRASKA: What the Hell Cornhuskers? North – Best Western, Really?

What is that a Rand McNally Road Atlas College?

A Hotel – Motel School?

Somewhere Tom Osborne is crying….

LSU: Like the lady is saying (in so many words) below, you are Number One, but not by much.

Congratulations on a Great win in T-Town.

THE GAMES

Tuesday November 8th

Northern Illinois at Bowling Green
I rarely guarantee one of my Picks, but I am feeling unusually confident with this pick.
HUSKIES 45-14

Western Michigan at Toledo
I must really be in the zone today.
ROCKETS 66-63

Wednesday November 9th

Miami (OH) at Temple
UPSET SPECIAL!
I feel like my streak from Tuesday is continuing, it’s a just a feeling
HOOTERS 24-21

Thursday November 10th

Ohio at Central Michigan
The Chippewa’s’ are more Dip than Chip as of late.
FRANK’S CATS 34-24

Houston at Tulane
They say it ain’t over until the fat lady sings…..
She sang her heart out six weeks ago for the Green Wave
MIGHTY COUGARS 63-17

Virginia Tech at Georgia Tech
This game is going to be a back and forth affair…..
Last team with the football, wins……
YELLOW JACKETS 34- 31

Friday November 11th

South Florida at Syracuse
I have picked Phil Fulmer’s cousin (Otto the Orange) for three straight weeks…
And they have lost for three straight weeks….
And that is…
NO BULL 28-17

Saturday November 12th

Michigan at Illinois
By now you should know that every Big Ten (something or another) game is a “big” rivalry game…
This game is no different….
It is played annually for the highly coveted “Gunnysack of Flatulence” Trophy
It’s like a leather whoopee cushion…..
Never mind..
WOLVERINES 38-24

Texas at Missouri
I saw the episode when the Three Stooges go “Out West” so I know that..
MO knows stampedes…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 38-28

Susquehanna at Juniata
The two toughest women in the trailer park square off…
Susie and Juanita
This is going to be a brawl, but just one thing “ladies”
No hair pulling…
SUSIE Q 23-17

Ohio State at Purdue
This terrific Big (Whatever) Conference Rivalry is played for the “Bucky Otter Trophy”
If you ask me; it looks like a buck toothed ground hog with a funny tail.
BUCKY EYES 33-17

Pittsburgh at Louisville
Coach Charlie is a lot Stronger than the Kitty Cats from Iron City
Believe it
STRONGER CARDINALS 28-17

Marshall at Tulsa
Against my better judgment I am going with “Upset Special”
Call it a feeling, I just hope it’s not gas
WE ARE MARSHALL 31-28

Rice at Northwestern
The Hoot Owls actually won a game last week (I’m serious)
And the boys from Rand McNally picked the Cornhuskers in Lincoln.
I will go with the corn pickers in this one
CORN CATS 38-21

Kentucky at Vanderbilt
This game is going to be close……
Real close….
It could go either way, believe it
BIG BLUE 24-21

North Carolina State at Boston College
The Pack of Wolves took down the cross state Tar Heels last week…
While the Eagles got plucked by the Seminoles….
I think the Birds stay plucked this week
WOLF PACK 33-17

Ursinus at Dickinson
This game worries me….
I just hate to think about Emily Dickinson having a sinus infection…
It disrupts by poetry reading time
EMILY 24-17

North Texas at Troy
I think Troy is about to get an unhealthy dose of….
MEAN GREEN 24-21

Buffalo at Eastern Michigan
I don’t know about Buffalo’s football team, but their wings are delicious
EAGLES 43-10

Virginia Military Academy at Presbyterian
The Keydets will be far too distracted by the sight of the Blue Ho’s to be effective in this game.
Also the VMI football team sucks….
BLUE HO’S 44-13

Georgia Southern at Wofford
I cannot begin to understand why someone would name a college after a pesky cough.
After all it is the cold and flu season
SOUTHERN EAGLES 28-24

South Dakota State at Western Illinois
You don’t think I would go against the Leathernecks on the Marine Corps Birthday do you?
Of course not…
LEATHERNECKS 34-28

Kent State at Akron
This game is the second in a series of rivalries for Akron…
Akron and Youngstown State play for the “Steel Tire” Trophy…
This game is played for the “Donut Spare Tire” Trophy
It’s very prestigious
FLASHING GOLD 31-28

Baylor at Kansas
The Hawk’s of Jay “might” win this game….
And I “might” be invited to Fat Phil Fulmer’s house for Thanksgiving
Neither of which is very likely
DA BEARS 38-24

EDITORS NOTE: Not that I would be interested in a Turkey stuffed with Krispy Kreme donuts. That’s disgusting…

Delta State at West Georgia
The Fighting Okra has been frying the competition the past few weeks.
Get the grease hot, and break out the flour there is another one headed for the skillet….
FIGHTING OKRA 43-21

Carson Newman at Mars Hill
The Spark has returned to the Eagles and just in time too…
SPARK’S EAGLES 34-28

Wyoming at Air Force
The Mighty Falcons won the Commander in Chiefs Trophy last week…
They will Fly High this week too…
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-17

Arizona at Colorado
I had every good intention of watching this game but I got “two” words for you…
“Sea Monkeys and Sea Monkey Accessories”
That was actually six words, sorry…
WILDCATS 21-17

Duke at Virginia
I have some Exciting News for the Fans of the Blue Devils!
Basketball season is almost here!
Not that I care….
CAVALIERS 28-17

Louisiana Lafayette at Arkansas State
The Red Wolves have been devouring the competition lately and Lafayette is allergic to dogs.
Enough said…
RED WOLVES 38-17

Nebraska at Penn State
Without Joe Pa on the sidelines I really don’t give a damn

Navy at Southern Methodist
These two teams square off and play each year for the “Gansz Trophy”
I am not exactly sure what that looks like, but I know it’s staying in Dallas.
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-17

Texas Christian at Boise State
At the beginning of the season I would have thought this was going to be a real clash.
The Horned Frogs will keep this one interesting….
For awhile anyway…
BRONCO’S 34-24

Rutgers at Army
The Black Knights of the Hudson will keep this one close until the fourth quarter and then as they say in New Jersey (Pronounced: New Jorsey)
“Fugggit bout it”
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 28-17

North Alabama at Valdosta State
The Blazers get torched and the Florence Lions are headed to the Division II playoffs.
Believe it…
MIGHTY LIONS 24-24

Washington at Southern California
Let’s see….
The Huskies have the next to worse defense in all of major college football….
Yeah, sometimes it’s just that easy to pick the games.
LAME TROJANS 43-17

Marist at San Diego
I am glad that Marist finally got a vacation and San Diego should be warm and sunny.
She is a total red fox
RED FOXES 24-17

Youngstown State at North Dakota State
The Penguins of Youngstown….
(Didn’t I tell you that school was ten miles from the Arctic Circle, do you believe me now?)
Take on the Thunder of the Plains in the Mighty Buffalo…
(A penguin cannot whip a Buffalo, I don’t care what Walt Disney says)
BISONS 41-38

Northwestern State at Sam Houston State
Sam Houston was the Hero of San Jacinto and the President of the Republic of Texas
That’s good enough for me…
Remember the Alamo
SAM THE MAN 43-17

North Dakota at UC Davis
“UC Davis, I See France, I saw your Grandma in her….”
Never mind…
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 34-17

UCLA at Utah
I heard the Two Ute’s were Bruin up something special for this game, get it?
I amuse myself sometimes, well actually most of the time.
TWO UTES 28-21

Florida Atlantic at Florida International
This Battle in the Sunshine State is called “The Shula Bowl”
And it’s played for the “Don Shula Award”
You know….
I can remember when Coach Shula actually made sense…
HILTON’S CATS 31-24

Oregon State at California
Say whatever you want to about me….
But I am all about the Beavers
MIGHTY BEAVERS 33-31

Maryland at Notre Dame
This game is between two teams heading in the same direction….
Nowhere fast…
FIGHTING IRISH 38-34

Louisiana Tech at Ole Miss
Every time I have seen Coach Houston Nutt the past few weeks I think one thing…
“Dead Man Walking…”
REBEL BEAR’S 24-17

Central Florida at Southern Miss
The Mighty Golden Eagles of Hattiesburg are on a Seven game winning streak..
Make it “Eight”….
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-17

East Carolina at UTEP
This game with the Miners reminds me of a song that Tennessee Ernie Ford used to sing….
“Sixteen Tons and what do you get…”
An ass whipping by the Pirates…
I think that’s how the song goes..
PIRATES 43-17

Western Kentucky at LSU
O’ Yeah this One will be close….
Not…
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 171-3

Fresno State at New Mexico State
Lasso Larry has been bitten by Dogs more than a mailman, I’m sorry “mail person”
Break out the pepper spray Larry here they come again!
BULLDOGS 28-24

Oregon at Stanford
This is the “big” game in the PAC (something or another) Conference to determine who the top team is on the Left Coast. Maybe this is just wishful thinking on my part….
Maybe I will get Lucky…
QUACKERS 34-28

Texas Southern at Grambling State
They call this game “The Bayou Classic”
And it always is, to include the great Marching Bands at half time.
This one will be no different
ROB’S TIGERS 38-28

Idaho at Brigham Young
I wonder how the Mormons in Provo feel about the “Ida Honkies” coming to town?
I love me some Ida Honkies…
COUGARS 34-17

Hawaii at Nevada
This game puts my Black Lab “Doc” in a quandary….
On one hand (or paw as the case may be) he likes Hawaii because he really likes “Dog the Bounty Hunter”; but he secretly pretends to be a wolf when he thinks I’m not watching….
Particularly when I leave my Pizza unattended…
PIZZA eating WOLVES 43-24

Arizona State at Washington State
I would watch this game…..
But I am in the process of learning all the words to “Funky Town”…
SUNNY DEVILS 6-3

Alabama at Mississippi State
The Bully Dogs have a problem….
A whole bunch of Angry Elephants are coming to Starkville
CRIMSON TIDE 28-10

West Virginia at Cincinnati
The Mountaineer faithful have had their couches soaked with kerosene for over a week…
Just waiting for a Victory….
You may now light the fires and begin the long overdue celebrations
MOUNTAINEERS 31-24

Oklahoma State at Texas Tech
GET THOSE GUNS down RED RAIDERS!
COWBOY UP! 43-17

Texas A&M at Kansas State
I know that all the pundits will pick the Wildcats in this game.
But I am not a pundit, I’m Baptist.
GIG EM AGGIES 28-24

Auburn at Georgia
They call this game…
“The Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry”
It’s going to be a good one
SIC EM DAWGS 34-24

Florida at South Carolina
Nobody (and I mean No Body) is giving the gators a chance to win this game.
I’m not just anybody….
It’s going to be close, real close and it could go either way.
GAMECOCKS 24-21

Tennessee at Arkansas
The Volunteer fans like to say “Go Big Orange!”
I say “Orange Crush”
HAWG-ZILLA’S 38-17

Miami at Florida State
This fierce instate rivalry in the Sunshine State is played for a lot more than a “trophy”
It’s played for a set of gold crunk teeth, a zodiac medallion and a 2 Live Crew CD….
Get your funk on Seminoles…
SEMINOLES 34-21

Wisconsin at Minnesota
This Big Ten (Something or another) Rivalry is played for the highly coveted…
“Gopher Cheese Trophy”….
That sounds kind of nasty if you ask me….
BUCKY BADGER 41-24

Michigan State at Iowa
This is going to be smash mouth “old” Big Ten Football at its finest.
It’s going to be one heck of a game; I am going with the home team in this one.
HAWKEYES 24-21

Wake Forest at Clemson
The Mighty Tigers are rested and Wake Forest has a wonderful Liberal Arts program designed to fit each students needs and desires to fulfill their dreams for the future.
That about sums it up….
DABO’S TIGERS 43-17

Enjoy Your Games….

Happy Birthday Marines and Keep your Hands out of your Pockets

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

College Football Picks Week 8

MEB — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 12:33:08 +0000

Ladies and Gentlemen –

This past week separated the contenders from the pretenders and it almost separated me from the liquor cabinet. Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a very subpar 52 and 16 or 76% for the week and for the season after seven weeks that leaves me at 400 and 93 or 81%.

It’s hard to believe I have picked almost 500 games thus far in the 2011 season

But please hold your adulation for just a moment; I have some exciting news….

The CFB Wizard is having a readers contest, yes you read that correctly.

The details of the contest are in this Week’s Pick’s so be sure and enter.

Now you may release your unbridled adulation for yours truly.

Enjoy your picks….

HIGH SCHOOL TEAM OF THE WEEK

This week’s High School Team of the week has a familiar player on the team that you have read about in a past article; Matt Jones of the Gretna High School Dragons in Nebraska.

Statistics and numbers don’t always tell the whole story in a game or even in a season for that matter and there isn’t a measuring stick for leadership, other than results.

That being said last week Matt’s numbers don’t jump off the page at you, but that young man is a winner and so are his teammates.

Last week In a matchup between undefeated teams that drew an estimated 2,500 to Elkhorn Stadium, the Class B No. 3 Dragons (8-0) clinched the District 3 championship in advance of next Friday’s regular-season finale at home against winless Elkhorn Mount Michael.

“Our defense did great,’’ Dragons quarterback Matt Jones said. “Our line had some great blocking that made some holes for (Andy) Janovich.”

Andy Janovich, the Dragons’ fullback, popped free for a 68-yard touchdown on the game’s second play and closed the scoring with a lookalike 48-yarder on the final play of the third quarter.

A state champion wrestler and returning Class B all-state linebacker, the 6-1, 205-pounder had a season-best 181 yards on 12 carries with three touchdowns as he pushed his team-leading season total to 617 yards on only 73 attempts.

“He’s our short-yardage back,’’ Jones said, “but he has a little bit of speed.”

Elkhorn Coach Mark Wortman won’t disagree.

“He’s just that good,’’ the coach said. “He’s a wrestler, so he has good balance. You have trouble bringing him down. It looks like he just sheds tacklers if you only try to arm-tackle.”

Elkhorn ran 60 plays to Gretna’s 40. In the second half, the Antlers had the ball for 28 of the first 37 snaps and didn’t score.

The No. 4 Antlers (7-1) got their first-half touchdowns on an over-the-shoulder catch by Ryan Michael that went for a 53-yard pass play from Daniel Feickert and a 10-yard run by Graham Nabity in the final minute to trail by only 21-14.

Nabity’s 136 yards on 25 carries increased his season totals to 1,034 yards and 15 touchdowns.

“By far they were the best team we’ve played this year,” Gretna coach Chad Jepsen said. “We knew it would be a battle.”

Congratulations Dragons, you earned it.

COACH’S SPEAK

We often times hear coaches speak and we aren’t really sure what they mean or what the implications of what they are saying and how that transcends to the football field. Have no fear.

I am going to help you understand what coach’s “mean what they mean” when they “say what they say”

SOUTH CAROLINA: Last week Coach Steve dismissed Gamecock Quarterback Stephen Garcia from the football team (for the thirteenth time) because “The Ole Ball Coach” said…
“Stephen failed a test….”

What Coach Steve meant by this statement was….
“That boy could have peed a Technicolor rainbow, raped a Nun and robbed a liquor store and I wouldn’t have cared a bit as long as he was throwing touchdowns instead of interceptions”

OLE MISS: Prior to the game with the University of Alabama Crimson Tide…
Coach Houston Nutt “suspended” four Rebel players for unknown reasons..
Coach Nutt had this to say about the suspensions
“I hated to suspend them all and it’s going to hurt us in this game but there is nothing more important than team disciple”

What Houston Nut meant to say was…..

“I knew we were going to get our asses kicked between our shoulder blades anyway so I suspended those guys so, after we got the hell beat out of us, I can say that we might have won the game if I didn’t have to suspend those guys. It’s a win-win.”

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Hello from the heart of SEC Country!!!

The Big Blue Trojans from here in Telfair County took the long trip down to Folkston for a matchup against the Charlton County Indians. The trip must have taken a toll on our hometown heroes as they made the long trip back to McRae on the short end of a 42-0 score. Try as they might, it just doesn’t seem like the offense has been able to generate anything against some of the powerhouse teams of Region 2-A. But, once again, our Trojans fought long and hard in the losing effort. Next up for the Trojans is a matchup against a traditional Class A football power in the state of Georgia; the Clinch County Panthers from down in Homerville. The Panthers bring with them 5 wins to go with 2 uncharacteristic losses in a game that the Trojans have been looking forward to all season. I know our boys will represent us well!!!

Oh, and don’t forget about the Milan Harvest Festival on the 22nd of October. It’s a fun filled festival with plenty of fun to be had by one and all. And the special entertainment will be the Poultry Palace!! Yes, you will be amazed by these trained chickens which sing, dance, talk, and do some impressive tricks!!! Also, there will be opportunities for the kids to interact with the birds. This is “must see” entertainment down on Main Street in Milan, Ga. For those of you interested, here is the link to Poultry Palace: http://www.poultrypalace.net/

On Saturday, the Red Clay Hounds traveled to Nashville to take on the Shipmates of Vandy. The Navigators nearly upended the visiting Dawgs as Georgia held on for a 33-28 victory. The outcome was in doubt right up until the last few seconds of the game as a blocked punt gave the ‘Dores the ball at the Georgia 20 yard line with 7 seconds left. The Athenians held on for the victory, but, it was a little too close for comfort.

Meanwhile, up in Charlottesville, VA, the Ramblin wreck strode in with a number 12 ranking in the polls and left with a 24-21 loss that will surely cause them to drop like a rock in the newest polls. The Bees once again failed to play defense as they allowed the Cavalier Crew to rack up 272 yards on the ground. The difference this week was that the offense couldn’t get on track for the Trade School as they could only muster 21. It was a tough loss for the Atlantans as they were off to their best start since ’66.

Up the road at Paulson Stadium, the Birds of Southern were more like buzzards, as they shredded the visiting Paladins of Furman to the tune of 50 – 20, and then feasted on the carcass. 5 different players scored in the shellacking and even the Defense got involved as they blocked an extra point and ran it back to add 2 more points to the tally. The Blue Clad Birds tacked up the most points in the rivalry since 1998′s 45 – 17 victory and was an appropriate ending as they saluted the 1986 National Championship team.

Elsewhere, the Crimson Tide turned into a bloody tsunami as they thoroughly devastated an outmatched and outclassed Ole Miss team by a 52-7 margin. And the score still doesn’t tell the story on how much of a route this really was. Trent Richardson racked up over 180 yards and also gave us a Heisman signature moment on a 76 yard run as he made the Rebs look like a Junior High Team.

The Bayou Bengals added another notch to their win column as they dismantled the Coon Hounds by a score of 38-7 in Knoxville. The Vols may have got a little bit of false hope after finishing the 1st quarter tied up at 0. But, the Big Cats bared their claws and reminded the homestanding Tennesseans that this was not last year as they piled on the points to make sure Les Miles didn’t have to manage the clock.

And down at Davis-Wade over in Starkville, the Chickens escaped with their lives as they were almost Southern Fried by the pesky Bulldogs. These roosters almost broke the rules of nature by nearly laying an egg in a 14-12 win. QB Conner Shaw tossed a jump ball to a leaping Alshon Jeffery to give the visiting Columbians the victory. But this one will be bittersweet as the Gamecocks finally got rid of the troubled Stephen Garcia and lost workhorse RB Marcus Lattimore to a knee injury. No word yet on how serious it is but let’s wish the young man well.

Up in Tortoise-land, the Clemson Tigers were obviously sickened by the sight of the homestanding Terrapins home uniforms and fell behind 28-10. Young QB Tajh Boyd was obviously fed some Dramamine by Coach Dabo Swinney and led the comeback as the #8 Orange clad Cats to come away from a 56-45 shootout with a win.

The Nuts from the North got by the Ilini with a gameplan that Coach Luke “The Pickel” Fickell designed to keep the ball out of QB Braxton Miller’s hands. It worked like a charm. I’m sure the Buckie’s will be bucking for a place in the polls after the game but if the pollsters are smart they’ll remember that the Cheeseheads of Wisconsin loom on the horizon for the ‘Eyes and won’t waste their votes.

And, finally, the Trojans of USC made the Cal Bruins pay for their fashion faux pas by taking this game 30-9. The 5-1 Kiffin led T-bones created numerous turnovers in the win over a fellow weak sister in the PAC (Pitiful Athletic Conference)-12. I will give this to the PAC-12. They can count, unlike other conferences, although I suspect Stanford had something to do with that.

Well, folks, it’s that time again. Let’s get to the Peach State Prognostication. Let’s take a close, in-depth look at what happened with our two in-state institutions of higher learning. The Dawgs dodged a bullet and the Wreck threw a rod. Georgia is winning the games it’s supposed to win, but, beating traditional SEC bottom feeders in less than convincing fashion is not impressive. However, an SEC road win will get you some bonus points. On the other hand, a loss to a traditionally mediocre conference rival in the ACC (Athletically Challenged Conference) will make your stock drop faster than Barrack Obama’s poll numbers. With that in mind, I’m picking this one 35-17 Cow College. When you’re defense can’t stop an angry Chihuahua, the opponent’s offense is going to plow through you like Rosie O’Donnell at a Dolly Madison factory, it’s as simple as that.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

THE CFB WIZARD READER CONTEST

As promised Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will have a monthly contest until the end of the season and the winners will have the chance to meet and hang out with The CFB Wizard at an upcoming book signing and discuss a variety of college football topics over lunch as well as receive an autographed picture of my Black Lab “Doc”
(He signs all his own autographs)

This week’s Contest involves a test of your College Football Knowledge.

In the picture below can you identify the lone Oklahoma Sooner’s Cheerleader amongst the Nebraska Cornhusker’s Cheerleaders?

Please submit your answers via the CFB Wizard website, you must be at least eighteen (18) years old to enter and all employees, staff and unpaid interns of the CFB Wizard are not illegible.

The Winners will be named in upcoming articles…

Good Luck!

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Sir,
I got this problem and I wanna know if you kin help me.
See, I got this, ah, friend who got in trouble after tha Alabama-Auburn game last year.
He got all liquered up, and got all mad, and when out and, well…. let’s say he messed up some bushes that belonged to the sorry-assed Auburn folks over in Timmy’s Corners.
Well, after that he was kinda skeered but he called up this radio fella that was doin a show and told em what he done and all and the dang law tracked him down. Well, after that all them dang Auburn Tiger people started messin with him and he had ta move outta the state fer awhile after he got through with some jailin and court stuff.
So he got himself a lawyer but that dang fella said not to call that radio fella and, well, my friend just couldn’t help hisself and he kept callin. I mean, Barbara Dooley calls them folks up all the time and nobody gets her in trouble. Now the lawyer fella up and quit on my friend. So here’s my question, is there such a thang as a law bout killin a bush or two?
Is them Auburn folks a bunch of bush huggers?
And do you know where I can get me another good lawyer? Ah, for my friend?

Thanks Mr Wizard –
ArveyHay Dikeupway

A: I don’t care who you are, this is funny as hell.

Q: Hey Dude are you going to join us at the “Occupy Wall Street” March?

Chip – Ithaca, New York

A: Chip I think you stumbled across the wrong website…
I think you are looking for…

I’m a Dumbass.org

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

DELTA STATE: Congratulations to the Fighting Okra for knocking off the previously undefeated North Alabama Lions and taking over the Number 1 position in Division II Football.

That was one heck of a game.

OLE MISS: Do you still have a “Marching Band” or did you find that “politically incorrect” too?
The reason I ask is….
During the game last week with Alabama your public address system at the stadium belted out an 80’s soundtrack throughout the entire game; I never once heard the marching band play.

ESPN COLLEGE GAME DAY: As I have mentioned on numerous occasions…
I dearly love ESPN’s College Game Day, it’s the best there is anywhere…

But they punted one in the stands last Saturday with the segment entitled..
“College Football Fashion Police”

Attempting to justify the ugly ass uniforms of Maryland, Michigan and Oregon doesn’t make us like them any better; it makes us loath them all the more.

KENTUCKY: I want to take this time to apologize to the Kentucky Wildcat Football Fans…
For not picking their game last Saturday. But here is what happened…

It was a close contest but the Wildcats pulled it out with a late field goal in the closing moments

The Score….
Kentucky 17 Bye Week 14….

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE: Speaking of the University of Kentucky Football Team…
With all the talk of the Texas A&M Aggies joining the Southeastern Conference, the National Sports media has missed another story of interest going on in the Conference.
While Texas A&M is in the process of joining the SEC, The University of Kentucky Football team is looking to move to the 13th Region of Kentucky 5A High School Football under the stipulation that they don’t have to play the Mighty (8-0) Harlan County Black Bears for two years.

College Football Picks Week 7

MEB — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 15:00:16 +0000

Ladies and Gentlemen –

This week….
I write to you from high atop my mountain compound that is the RTR Ranch and Sanatorium.

I felt obligated to be in a “safe” place to write this week since the Illinois Fighting Pumpkins and the Kansas State Wildcats are both undefeated (6-0) for the first time since the Pilgrims played a Thanksgiving Football game. Because as we all know, that is one of the first signs of the coming Apocalypse.

But enough about the end of the world, let’s talk College Football

Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…
Despite screwing up the “High School Player of the Week” nominations…
And getting embarrassed with “Upset Specials” that only seemed to upset yours truly..

Was an astounding 48 and 11 or 81%
(Please hold your astonishment until the very end of the article..)

That leaves the CFB Wizard after 6 weeks in the college football season at 348 and 77 or 82%

Now you may release your individual astonishment…

Enjoy your Picks…

HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER OF THE WEEK

The 50th annual Winnersville Classic in Georgia between the Valdosta Wildcats and Lowndes County Vikings was played in front a packed Martin Stadium last Friday night with the Wildcats coming up with an amazing 21-17 victory. The Cats were led by Jr. Quarterback Shelby Wilkes who was a backup player when the season started. This improbable win was the first for Valdosta since 2003 and seemed all but impossible heading into the final minute of play with Lowndes up 17-7 on the visiting Cats. Wilkes led the Cats on a 60 yard drive with 48 seconds left. Valdosta then recovered the onside kick to give Wilkes one last shot. That was all he needed as he connected with Avery Burney for a 35 yard touchdown to send the visitors to a victory.

Congratulations to Shelby Wilkes and the Valdosta Wildcats!

SOUTH GEORGIA NEWS and VIEWS

Hello from the heart of SEC country!!

I’m sad to report that the hometown Trojans lost another tough game to Region 2-A opponent Irwin County Friday night. The boys in blue traveled to Ocilla to take on the home standing Indians and came away on the short end of a 21-3 score. These boys played tough and fought hard all night but just couldn’t push the rock across the goal line. The season may be two thirds complete, but you can see definite improvement with every game that goes by.

Next up is a trip down south to Folkston, Georgia to take on the 6-1 Indians of Charlton County. It’s going to be a long trip to take on a tough team, but I’ve got faith that the Trojans will represent Telfair County with pride and courage.

Up in the Georgia state capitol, the Paul Johnson’s Bee’s took on the Astro-Terps of Maryland and held on by the fuzz of their thoraxes for a 21-16 win. Two weeks in a row these bees knees have played down to the competition. The Trade School was held to a season low in points, total offense, and passing yards against one of the weak(er) sisters of the Almost Competitive Conference. Defense got a stop in the 4th quarter to actually salvage a win. The Wreck takes on Virginia next week in another game against a less than stellar opponent.

Meanwhile, up the road in Knoxville, the Red Clay Hounds took on the Orange Clad Volunteers and walked away with a 20-12 win. The 6-6 score at halftime didn’t begin to tell the tale of futility of the two opponents as the two teams traded field goals. The Cow College distanced themselves in the 3rd with a couple of touchdowns and the defense played with inspiration to turn the orange-clad Knox-villains away and keep them out of the end zone. Next up for the Hounds is a tough Vanderbilt team coming to play between the hedges. The Dawgs continue to show improvement as the season goes on, but, the true test of their mettle will be in two weeks with a trip to Jacksonville for the renewal of the annual World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.

And up in Statesboro, the Pigeons hung on to pin a loss on the visiting Snakes from Chattanooga. The Eagles took a 21-7 lead to the locker room at halftime but the Mocs put a scare into the hometown crowd by tying the score with just over 9 minutes left in the fourth. QB Jaybo Shaw put the hometown heroes up with a Southern 4th quarter score but the Chattanoogaan’s weren’t done as they also scored the potential game tying touchdown. Fortunately, Eagle’s defender Josh Rowe rushed the Mocs QB on the 2 point conversion attempt and the ball fell harmlessly to the Erk Russel rug to preserve the number 1 ranked Eagle’s win.

In other action, a new era was ushered into Williams-Brice Stadium as the Kentucky Wildcats traveled to Columbia to take on the Conner Shaw led Gamecocks. What a difference a week makes. After being left for dead by the Barners of Alabama, the Gamecocks hung 54 points on the Lexington Big Blue. And once again the defense got in on the action with 6 turnovers. It’s only Kentucky, Gamecock fans, so don’t make reservations to the SEC Championship game yet.

Over in Bryant-Denny, the Tuscaloosa Pachyderms sent the Commodores down the gang plank as they sunk Vanderbilt 34-0. A.J. McCarron had season highs in TDs and passing yards as the Boys from Bama posted scores in all 4 quarters in another convincing SEC win.

Mark November 5th on your calendars folks.
The immovable object meets the unstoppable force as the Bayou Bengals travel to T-Town for a game that may also leave people on the front rows of the stadium battered and bruised!

Over in Fayetteville, the Razorbacks took on the Tigers from the Plains, who have an identity crisis since they have an Eagle for a mascot, and dropped the visitors to 4-2 on the season with a convincing 38-14 win. The Aubies were soundly thrashed by their hosts and left holding a rather tenuous grip on 3rd place in the SEC West.

Elsewhere, the Oklahoma Sooners took on the Longhorns of Texas in the Red River Rivalry. No, Texas, that wasn’t a Sooner Schooner that ran over you, it was a Mack Truck. The Pioneers thoroughly dominated Bevo’s Boys to the tune of 55-17. It was close after 15 minutes but once the Okie Dokie got hot they tore through Texas like a prairie fire.

Clemson continued its winning ways with a sound win against the visiting Boston College Iggles. QB Tajh Boyd was hurt in the win but it’s not thought to be too serious. The Orange Tigers take on the Rambling Wreck in Bobby-Dodd in two weeks in a game which will determine which of these two is a contender and which one is a pretender.

Up in corn country, the Corn Shuckers turned away the Nutty Buddies of Ohio in one of the greatest comebacks in Nebraska history. The Taylor Martinez led Farm Hands came back from a 21 point deficit to turn the visitors around and send the visitors back to Columbus sporting a 3-3 record. And finally, the Golden Domers topped the Wing Nuts of Air Force 59-33. In the first of two games against the Service Academies, the South Benders routed another less than stellar opponent in their attempt to occupy a spot in the bottom of the top 25. But, one question comes to mind that I’ve always wanted to ask. Why does a Catholic School have a mural of Touchdown Jesus in their end zone? Are they trying to send a message to the Pope?

Now it’s time again for the Peach State Prognostication. I really didn’t see much to get excited about from either team. But, get ready Dawg fans, for the pendulum is swinging.

I’m going to have to go with the Clark Countians by a 27-21 score this week.

Why, you ask? Simple; Defense. The Jackets don’t have much and the Dawgs do. The futility of the offenses offset each other. Plus, after coming off of a rough two weeks to start the season, the Athenians are showing character in winning by any means necessary.
I could be wrong, but gut feeling says the tide may be turning.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.

And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

(FULL MOON) EMAILS OF THE WEEK

Q: You are a damn raciest! I have never in my life read such garbage!

Do you have any idea that comparisons like you made with Coach Phil Fulmer to monkeys are raciest?
Or are you just that stupid? I have never read anything so insulting and degrading!

You should apologize for such disgusting rants.

Debra – Nashville, Tennessee

A: Thank you so much Debra for taking the time to point this out to me.
You are right.
I want to take this time to apologize to any Chimpanzees, Gorillas, Orangutans or Spider Monkeys that were offended by my comparisons of them to the vile and disgusting Phil Fulmer.

Q: Dear Mr Wizard,
I got this question that’s kinda puzzlin me an yore bout the smartest man on tha planet so I figured you could help me. I was watchin a football game on tha TV and they had this thing they give out that made me just scratch my haid. See theres this award they give to tha “top African-American scholar athlete.”
I just don’t understand that.
Aint that racist?
Didn’t that Marty Lutheran King fella say sumpin bout judgin folks by the contents of their characters and not by the color of their skin or sumpin like that? Well if you is judgin folks by that how can they just give out a award for a Afircan American college football fella cause he’s Afircan American?
And here’s sompin else that’s got me ta just shakin my head. They got that club called the N-A-A-C-P. Just in case you didn’t know, that means National Association for the Advancement of Colered people.
Well, I don’t know bout where you come from, but down in these here parts, if you say sumpin bout colered folks, theres some people that get real riled up. I mean, I don’t know whether ta say colered, or black, or Afircan American.

So, can you help me out and set me straight on somma this stuff. Im real confused.

Lemuel in Ludowici

A: Thank you for the fine compliment Lemuel, but I’m not sure I can help you out on this topic as I prefer to identify people by their names and not by something else. But…..
The good news in all this is that “Saltine Crackers” will be promoting their own scholarship athlete in the coming weeks.

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –

We are Big Fans! We love your column!
We have a question for you Mister Wizard!
So like what is the first thing you do every morning to get you ready for the day?

GO MIZZOU TIGERS!

Delores, Margaret and Janice – Kansas City, Missouri

A: Thank you for the kind email Ladies…
When I wake up the first thing I do each and every morning is….

“Remember the Alamo”

Q: Dear CFB Wizard –

I noticed that some weeks you “don’t do so well” on your college football picks.
(No disrespect intended)
So what is your secret to bouncing back from a tough week?
I am having kind of a tough time myself and was wondering what your secret was?

Thanks Dude your website rocks
Steve – Spartanburg, South Carolina

A: Thank you for the compliment on the website Steve..

I wouldn’t suggest my “method” for clearing one’s mind to anyone Steve it is far too harsh and potentially dangerous but “IF” you decide to submit yourself to such a treatment, then I can only wish you good luck and I will not answer any phone calls from your personal injury attorney.

I would suggest listening to “Black Oak Arkansas” backwards for three hours.

Then you will understand what they truly mean by “Jim Dandy to the Rescue”

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

SOUTH CAROLINA: So Coach Steve…..
You didn’t decide to take a knee in the last minute of the game; instead you opted to score again.
Then you thought it was “cute” to be a smartass at the post game news conference and make fun of Kentucky’s futility in the game. Classy Coach, real Classy.

Then to make things even better….
You have a complete PMS meltdown at your Tuesday news conference over (of all things) a reporter being in the room “you didn’t like”.

And to top it all off you kick Stephen Garcia off the team for what, the thirteenth time?

Sounds like somebody needs to retire…for good.

OREGON: Aren’t you all on probation yet or are you still Ducking the NCAA?

TEXAS: I was always told if you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.

So I won’t

DR. PEPPER COMMERCIAL: If I see your stupid commercial featuring some jackass in sunglasses singing some stupid Hip Hop crap to Dr. Pepper again; in the name of Elvis I swear I am going to shoot my television screen out.

AIR FORCE: I can’t believe I saw the United States Air Force get Bombed last Saturday…
And for the record I am talking about the game with Notre Dame not Saturday Night’s shenanigans at the Officers Club.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: How are you Trojans enjoying your Lame Kitten?

TEXAS A&M: I hope my article this week helped with you all with your “marriage plans”….

No need to thank me

TENNESSEE: I know Volunteer fans are frustrated, it’s because you are impatient and were used to winning, even if it was with thugs and criminals. But let this be said and let it sink in…

This is the first time in at least twenty years…..

Twenty years….

There hasn’t been any off season arrest of ANY Tennessee Football Players…

No Rapes, No attempted Murders, No Thefts, No Drunk and Fighting Police..NO Nothing.

This Coach has the team headed in the right direction and is in the process of restoring integrity to the football program; all you have to do is give him a chance.

That is unless having rapist, drug dealers and thugs on the team are “Ok” as long as you are winning.

OKLAHOMA: Congratulations on a Big win in the Red River Stampede

KENTUCKY: Coach Phillips this isn’t a Joke….

You better get it get it together real quick….
Even though The Kentucky Wildcats are the Men’s Basketball Flagship of the Conference, the Wildcat faithful don’t like getting their respective asses handed to them in such a rude fashion.

NCAA: The latest news….

MONTGOMERY, Ala. (AP) — The NCAA says it found no major violations committed by Auburn regarding Cam Newton or other pay-for-play allegations.

The NCAA released a statement Wednesday saying it has closed its 13-month investigation into Auburn’s recruitment of the Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback, whose father shopped his services to another school for nearly $200,000.

The NCAA also cleared Auburn in allegations by four former players that they received payments during their recruitment or careers.

The NCAA says “any allegations of major rules violations must meet a burden of proof, which is a higher standard than rampant public speculation online and in the media.”

It also says the investigation could be reopened if evidence surfaces.

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t think this is over, because it isn’t. More next week….

THE GAMES

Thursday October 13th

Texas Southern at Alabama A&M
This game is what college football is all about….
Cats against the Dogs
The Tigers of Southern will come up short in this contest
But their “Ocean of Soul Marching Band” is not to be missed
BAMA DOGS 31-27

Delta State at North Alabama
The Fighting Okra against my beloved Florence Lions
Both of these teams are red hot, but I have to go with the home team
(It’s an Alabama thing….)
MIGHTY LIONS 34-28

San Diego State at Air Force
I don’t know if the Falcons can recover from being carpet bombed by the Fighting Irish…
But I am betting they will…
FALCONS 33-31

Southern California at California
This “big” instate rivalry in California has been “renamed” recently to….
“More accurately reflect California values…”
Thus this rivalry is now named….
“The Illegal Aliens, Gay Lesbian Transgendered Diversity, Mudslides, Wildfires, Outrageous Taxes, Gridlock Traffic Game” or “IAGLTDMWOTGT Game” for short…

Catchy don’t you think?
LAMES TROJANS 17-10

Friday October 14th

Hawaii at San Jose State
I am as excited about this game as you all are….
I promise I am!
Because it reminds us all that “Dog the Bounty Hunter” will return to the A&E Network
This Fall on Wednesday Nights (Check your local listings for times)
WARRIORS Bounty Hunting across RAINBOWS 38-17

Saturday October 15th

Michigan at Michigan State
This instate rivalry is played each year for the coveted “Paul Bunyan Ax Trophy”
No word yet on who get’s “Babe” the Big Blue Ox.
WOLVERINES 38-17

Utah at Pittsburgh
Lately the Two Ute’s are playing like they got liquored up behind the playground.
Not that I am judging
I’m just saying….
TWO UTES 31-28

Salisbury at Alfred
I had no idea that the Salisbury Steak people had their own college.
That’s the kind of news that will give men everywhere hope
SALISBURY STEAK & GRAVY 24-17

Baylor at Texas A&M
This long standing Rivalry in the Lone State State has been played each year since 1899
They call it “The Battle of the Brazos”
It’s coming to an end because of the Aggies love of money
How proud they must be
BEAR DOWN 33-31

Indiana at Wisconsin
This “intense” rivalry in the Big Ten or Twelve is relatively new in comparison to their other conference rivalries. This particular rivalry is played for the…..
“Captain and Tennille Muskrat of Love Trophy”
As a safety tip: Always wash your hands after touching the Muskrat of Love Trophy
BADGERS 43-10

Toledo at Bowling Green
This battle in the Buckeye State is called “The Battle of I-75”
I think the winner gets a chunk of asphalt and a piece of an old guardrail
Which is nice
RICKY ROCKET 28-21

St Francis at Sacred Heart
Here we go again….
These arrogant people think they are the only ones with a “Sacred Heart”
Well I got a “News Flash” for them….
They Aren’t!
St. Francis was a pretty cool cat himself
PIONEERS 28-17

Campbell at Marist
I am not too sure about Gaylord the Camel
(But we all have our suspicions about Gaylord, don’t we?)
But I do know that Marist is a real Fox…
RED FOX’S 34-14

Moravian at Susquehanna
You may not believe this…
But Morey isn’t ready for Susie this Saturday….
She has a new pair of pink “Baby Girl” sweat pants and some Lee Press On Nails and that girl is ready for a tussle, Believe it.
SUSIE Q 28-10

Purdue at Penn State
You guessed it….
Another Big Ten or whatever game means “another” rivalry trophy
This game is played for the coveted “Joe Pa’s Dentures”
Which have bit the Boilermakers in the ass ever since the Lions joined the Big Ten.
Some things never change…
JOE PA’S LIONS 34-10

Louisville at Cincinnati
This Battle on the Ohio River is called “The Battle for the Keg of Nails”
And the winner of the game gets a…..
“Keg of Nails”
I think this game is sponsored by Home Depot
BEARKATS 28-24

South Carolina at Mississippi State
The Roosters and the Bulldogs sounds like a fight in the barnyard..
And that’s exactly what it will be too.
GAMECOCKS 24-20

Miami at North Carolina
These two teams confuse the hell out of me.
One week they look great and the next week…
They couldn’t beat the Breaux Bridge dance Academy
This one is a tossup
TAR HEELS 24-21

Navy at Rutgers
The Last team the Midshipmen went to New Jersey the local fans booed them…
That’s right…
They Booed the Midshipmen from the United States Naval Academy while the country is at war in two countries. I hope the Midshipmen haven’t forgotten it, I damn sure haven’t forgotten.
MIGHTY MIDSHIPMEN 31-24

Gardner Webb at Presbyterian
I have promised you loyal readers that I would have pictures of the Blue Ho’s Cheerleaders

I can’t tell if those ladies are cold or are they just big Smurf fans?
BLUE HO’S 34-17

UNLV at Wyoming
The Rebel’s haven’t been doing too much running and the Cowboys seem to have lost their horses, so this game is all about, who sucks worse than the other guys.
COWBOY UP! 21-17

Appalachian State at Citadel
The Mountaineers are going to take a rolled up newspaper and spank the Bulldogs.
MOUNTAINEERS 38-10

LSU at Tennessee
Last year…
The Volunteers had the Tigers beat in Death Valley until “simple math” raised its ugly head.
This one will be closer than you might think, a lot closer
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-21

Wabash at Oberlin
This game brings up a very interesting question….
I wonder if Oberlin can play the Wabash Cannonball.

I can almost hear Ole Roy Acuff singing now…

“Oh listen to the jingle
The rumble and the roar
As she glides along the woodlands
Through the hills and by the shore
Hear the mighty rush of her engine
Hear that lonesome hobo’s call
We’re travelling through the jungles
On the Wabash Cannonball”

Forgive me I was having a flashback there for a moment…
WABASH CANNONBALL 28-21

Furman at Georgia Southern
The Eagles of Southern continue their dominance for another week…
After a soundly thrashing of Furryman.
I wonder if that’s Chewbacca’s cousin.
SOUTHERN EAGLES 38-24

Florida State at Duke
Last week the Mighty Seminoles proved they weren’t so mighty after all…
They get their confidence back this week…
SEMINOLES 44-10

Rice at Marshall
Sorry Hoot Owls….
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-17

Jackson State at Mississippi Valley State
The Delta Devils get Deviled Egged in this one…
WALTER’S TIGERS 38-17

Northern Arizona at Montana State
The Lumberjacks of Arizona get chopped down by the pesky Bobcats
Believe it
BOBCATS 34-28

Eastern Michigan at Central Michigan
This instate Michigan Rivalry is played each year for the “Michigan MAC Trophy”
Not to be confused for the “Chili Mac and Cheese Trophy”
That thing is delicious
CHIPPEWA’S 28-24

Carleton at St. Olaf
This is a BIG Rivalry game and I’m not joking…
It’s called “The Cereal Bowl” and it’s played for The Goat Trophy and The Cereal Bowl Trophy
(Stop laughing, I’m serious)
ST OLES 31-28

Portland State at Montana
Last year the Vikings upset the Mighty Grizzlies….
Not this year
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 38-17

Juniata at Ursinus
If you think I am going to make a joke about Juanita having a Urine infection, you are wrong!
It’s a sinus infection
J-LO 24-17

South Florida at Connecticut
The Boy’s from Tampa get back to their winning ways this week
And that’s …
NO BULL 33-17

Colorado at Washington
This game isn’t too difficult to pick…
Since the Buffalo’s haven’t won a road game since William McKinley was President
HUSKIES 28-17

Miami (OH) at Kent State
Another Battle in the Buckeye state and this will be a good one…
It’s played each year for the “Kent State Sucks Trophy”
People up there like to think of it as a “Win-Win” kind of a thing…
REDHAWKS 31-28

Central Florida at Southern Methodist
The Boy’s from O-Town (Not the defunct musically challenged boy band)
Get a rude welcome to Mustang Country
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34

Ball State at Ohio
The Cats really let me down last week….
It looked like they were rolling to an undefeated season.
They will have to fight the Birds to get back to their winning ways.
It’s going to be close
FRANK’S CATS 28-24

Ohio State at Illinois
This Big Ten or whatever Rivalry is played for the “Illibuck”
To be honest, it kind of looks like a tangerine that has gone bad
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 31-17

Georgia Tech at Virginia
The Rambling Wreck will continue to Ramble until they meet the Mighty Clemson Tigers
YELLOW JACKETS 28-17

Montana Western at North Dakota
I know picks like this just drive the NCAA Speech Police crazy…
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-10

UTEP at Tulane
I get emails all the time from the Green Wave faithful asking…
“Are we going to win any games this year?”
And the answer is always the same….
No, no you will not…
MINERS 33-17

Tennessee Martin at South Alabama
I know, I know…
I do love Mobile Alabama, it’s one of my favorite places in the whole world
But the boys from Martin have a gunslinger at Quarterback this year…
Believe it..
SKYHAWKS 43-10

Western Kentucky at Florida Atlantic
In the immortal words of the great rural philosopher Forrest Gump…
“This game is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get”
Ain’t it the truth
HILLTOPPERS 24-17

Eastern Illinois at Murray State
This game is between the Panthers and the Racers…
I’m a 100 yard dash man…
RACERS 28-24

New Mexico at Nevada
I think the Lobo’s are on the down low for a yo-yo with a Hobo.
I’m not really sure what that means, but that was all I had for this game.
WOLFPACK 38-28

Oklahoma State at Texas
I don’t want to think about it…
COWBOY UP! 38-24

North Texas at Louisiana Lafayette
U La La is going to get an unhealthy dose of the….
MEAN GREEN 38-17

Boise State at Colorado State
The Bronco’s won’t get Rammed this week…
Not by a long shot
BRONCO’S 43-10

Carson Newman at North Greenville
Spark’s Boys are back on track after winning last week…
Let’s I hope it continues, I’m counting on it
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-31

Alabama at Ole Miss
Houston you have a problem….
The Big Red Elephants are coming to town…
CRIMSON TIDE 31-14

Virginia Tech at Wake Forest
The Demon Deacons upset the Mighty Seminoles last week….
No such luck this week
HOKEY POKEY 28-17

Georgia at Vanderbilt
Everybody counted the Mighty Bulldogs out except Yours Truly…
There are days my own genius even scares me…
SIC EM DAWGS 31-17

Northwestern at Iowa
It seems like every Tom, Dick and Harry is picking the Wildcats over the Hawkeyes…
Those aren’t my names so I’m under no obligation to follow the crowd on this one
HAWKEYES 28-21

Kansas State at Texas Tech
One question for the Red Raider faithful….
“Do you miss Coach Mike Leach yet?”
If not, you’re about to…
WILDCATS 28-21

Texas A&M Kingsville at Incarnate Word
Well Excuse Me! So you are the ONLY ones that have the Incarnate Word?
I just can’t pick a team that is predicated on such arrogance.
KING TOWN 28-10

Clemson at Maryland
The Mighty Tigers are going to scuff up the Linoleum tile Turtles
And not in a “nice” way….
DABO’S TIGERS 34-17

Florida at Auburn
I didn’t think I would say this two weeks ago….
But this game could go either way.
It’s True
GATOR CHOMP 28-24

East Carolina at Memphis
Say it with me…..
“Elvis has left the building….”
PIRATES 24-17

Occidental at Pomona Pitzer
Do you ever wonder what would happen if you..
“Occidentally took a Pomona Pitzer instead of a laxative?”
Never mind….
POMONA P 21-17

Stanford at Washington State
The Cougars might win this game…..
If the Cardinal plane gets diverted to Detroit
CARDINAL 43-17

UAB at Tulsa
Before any of my friends in Birmingham ask…
“No”, the Blazers will not win another game this year
Sorry….
O’ SO GOLDEN HURRICANES 34-17

Idaho at New Mexico State
The “Ida-Honkies” visits the Land of Lasso Larry and the Aggies…
Sounds like a Party to me…
LASSO LARRY 28-24

Oklahoma at Kansas
This game is going to get uglier than two for one Beer night at the Bowling Alley
BOOMER SOONERS 43-10

Utah State at Fresno State
There are a lot of people that think the Bulldogs have thrown in the towel this year…
I am one of them
AGGIES 31-28

Arizona State at Oregon
I had every intention of watching this marquee matchup in the PAC (Whatever)
But Richard Simmons has a “new” DVD that he is previewing on QVC, it’s called….
“Breaking a Hip to the Oldies”
QUACKERS 7-6

Iowa State at Missouri
This Big 12 (Light) Rivalry game is played for the coveted …
“Telephone Trophy”…..
The funny thing is….
Most of the players on the teams don’t even know what the hell an old “telephone” looks like

MO KNOWS AT&T 24-21

Brigham Young at Oregon State
I know the Cougars have been rolling lately…
But I still believe in the Power of the Almighty Beaver
MIGHTY BEAVERS 28-24

Enjoy your games…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

College Football Picks Week 6

MEB — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 11:54:00 +0000

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Last Week (Week 5 if you are keeping count and I know you are) was the equivalent of Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator stepping on a rake and getting smacked in the jimmy.

Last week I was a disappointing 46 and 21 or 69%.

I know, I can hardly believe it myself

That leaves Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator at 300 and 66 or 82% for the season.

But my lack of productivity last week gives me the opportunity to share with you my Top Three Favorite Excuses on why I didn’t perform up to par in Week 5….

1. The Sun was in my eyes
2. I had a rock in my shoe
3. I don’t play well on artificial turf

Enjoy your Picks….

HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER OF THE WEEK

This Week’s High School player(s) of the week:

The Summerville High School Green Wave is a powerhouse football team in the Charleston, S.C. area. The West Ashley Wildcats are relatively new to the Low Country football scene as it has only been in existence since 2000. However, the newcomers took on the tried and tested Wave in a battle for Low Country supremacy and the Wildcats walked away with a victory.

The Cats were led by running back K. Eady who had a 32 yard touchdown run for the only offensive touchdown scored in the contest. That was followed, later in the game, by what turned out to be the game winning 20 yard field goal by young C. Cashion. These two youngsters finally got the ‘Cats their first win against the vaunted Green Wave with a 10-7 victory.

Oh, did I mention that the running back’s name is Karon Eady?

Or that the place kicker’s name is Caroline Cashion?

I didn’t think so. These two young ladies gave new meaning to the term “Girls Gone Wild” with their impressive showing Friday night.

Congratulations, girls

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Welcome from the heart of SEC country.

Our boys in blue came out on the short end of a 21-0 score in a game taking on Bacon County. These kids put up a valiant effort against a tough Red Raider team from Alma, Georgia in a battle of supremacy for South Georgia Pride. The Raiders made the drive down to McRae sporting a 5-1 record with their only loss coming against traditional Class A powerhouse Clinch County and they showed why they’re sporting this winning record. The Trojans just didn’t quite have enough to hang on and now prepare for a trip to Ocilla for a matchup and possible win against the 1-5 Irwin County Indians. Keep your heads up, boys. After moving into this new Region 2-A region, we’ve got a much tougher schedule than in years past.
Everyone in Telfair County is behind you.

Meanwhile, up in Athens, the home state Bulldogs took on the Mississippi State Bulldogs in a battle of Canine bragging rights. The Athens Dogs proved to be rude hosts in turning back the Starkville crowd by a 24-10 score between the hedges. There were obviously no souvenir sprigs of those historic hedges gathered by the visitors as they never really got anything going and, truth be told, looked lost at times. The only area of concern was that our Red Heads jumped out to a 21-3 lead at the half and then went into cruise control for the rest of the game. Our orange clad, and yes, tacky, neighbors north of the border, are next on the agenda.

Next for the Bulldogs is an away game in Knoxville. Derek may be a Dooley, but he aint getting any love from South of Chattanooga on this day.

Meanwhile, up in Raleigh, the North Avenue Trade School took on an angry mob of Dogs and came away with a 45-35 win. The Slide Rule Jocks made this a little closer than anticipated in avenging a slip up last year against the Carolina State Mutts. The takeaway is this. Defense needs to break out the calculators and figure out how to stop an offense pretty fast or there could be some disappointments in our state capitol.

And I would be completely negligent if I didn’t throw out some kudos to the Eagles from up the road in Statesboro. The Eagles, who also have a mascot who flies around the stadium (but doesn’t get off course and fly into glass windows), topped the home standing Elon Phoenix by a 41-14 score. These birds also have the distinction of being # 1 in FCS competition, the first time they’ve attained that lofty spot since 2001. Congrats Eagles and keep up the good work.

In other games, the Chicken’s chickens finally came home to roost against the Alabama Plainsmen on Saturday. I don’t know who looked worse in this game but as the old Head Ball Coach said, this offense looks “putrid.” There might be some changes in Columbia on the horizon for the Yard Birds.

And over in Arlington, a bunch of testy Hogs welcomed the most recent addition to the conference to the SEC with a 42-38 win over the Aggies of Texas A&M. I think even the cadets were ready to turn their weapons on their team as they squandered a big lead and fell to the SEC West’s 3rd best team. We all know the old saying; be careful what you wish for, you just may get it.

And in the Big Ten-ish Conference, that darling of the media, O-hiya State was defeated by the Spartans of Michigan by a “huge” margin, 10 – 7. It must be rough on the Buckeyes. You can phone in your appreciation to Coach Tressel via Verizon Wireless, toll free.

Last, but not least, the mighty USC Trojans squeaked by in a close contest with PAC 10-ish those mighty Wildcats of Arizona. That would be the 1-4 variety kittens. They must have been dancing in the streets in Compton and L.A. after this big win.

Finally, it’s time for the Peach State Prognostication.
This is my prediction of the “Good Old Fashioned Hate” rivalry between the Dogs and Jackets if they played today. Last week, I predicted a 31-28 score favoring the Wreck.
This week, I’m going with this: 31-30……….. Jackets.

And I’m torn. The Dog’s young running back Isaih Crowell impressed me, gutting out some tough yards with bruised ribs. Tech’s offense was a little off, but the Defense is definitely an area of concern. I’ve gotta give the slight nod to the Jackets as long as the dogs have a hard time getting on track. Until they get rolling, gotta stay with the Bee’s.
Let’s see what next week reveals.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

SOUTH FLORIDA: You are aware….
That you can take your “first team” with you to road games, right? I’m just checking..

Because last Saturday it looked like you left them all at the Tampa Airport

ILLINOIS: The Fighting Pumpkins are 5 and 0 for the first time in sixty years…
Yes, I said sixty years.

And you know what that means?

The fact that the Pumpkins are currently undefeated is one of the signs of the coming Apocalypse

PENN STATE: Last Saturday Joe Pa coached his 700th game…..

700 college football games as the Head Football Coach of the Penn State Nittany Lions

Great win last Saturday for a Great Coach and a living Legend

UNITED STATES MILITARY ACADEMY: I can’t believe it….
I picked the Black Knights of the Hudson to win last week and they actually won…

I almost cried

MARSHALL: I can assume by your performance last Saturday that my weekly taunts and sarcastic remarks motivated you Thundering Herd to victory over the Louisville Cardinals.

You’re Welcome

SOUTHERN METHODIST: I never should have doubted my Proud Ponies last week.
Congratulations on winning the Battle of the Iron Skillet….

The Iron Skillet belongs to Coach June and the Mighty Mustangs

OHIO STATE: If Buckeyes don’t pick up the pace…..
They will be headed to the Vienna Sausage Bowl in Dahlonega Georgia

CLEMSON: These are not the kitty cats of years past….
The Mighty Tigers have defeated three top teams in as many weeks and are currently undefeated.

I know my adopted Clemson Family is Happy and I’m Happy for you.

TEXAS: The Red River Rivalry this week will determine if the Longhorns are really back.
My guess?
Read this week’s picks for the answer.

CARSON NEWMAN: Spark’s Eagles have NEVER lost two games in a row…..
That I can remember…
Until last week….
Not to add any additional pressure to your season, but you guys are killing my weekly average
Just so you know

WISCONSIN: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

NEW MEXICO STATE: Congratulations to Lasso Larry for defeating the Lobo’s and winning
“The Maloof Trophy” and just for the record…
I still think that trophy looks like a possum on a stick

ARKANSAS: Didn’t I tell you Razorback fans that you were going to beat the Aggies?
And you didn’t believe me did you?
You all have some “trust” issues, I’m just saying

SOUTH CAROLINA: This is for the 113 Carolina Gamecock Fans that sent me emails complaining about my write up in the “Preseason Extravaganza” when I didn’t mention South Carolina as a “contender”.

Now you know why I didn’t list them as a “contender”, don’t you?

EMAIL QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Q: Hey Mister Wizard!
You have been a little hard on our beloved Sooner’s lately, so I have an idea.
I don’t know if you have ever been to Oklahoma, but I would like to cordially invite you to Norman Oklahoma for a Sooner football game!

We will show you what Boomer Sooner hospitality is all about!

The Davis Family – Norman, Oklahoma

A: Thank you for the invitation…
However there are two very good reasons why I don’t visit Oklahoma.

I have seen the movie “Oklahoma!” and I refuse to walk around all day singing and dancing.
(I have no idea how you all getting anything done singing and dancing all day)

And secondly (although most importantly) My Texas citizenship would be revoked if I came to Oklahoma, even for a visit.

THE GAMES

Thursday October 6th

Western Kentucky at Middle Tennessee State
The Blue Raiders are tough to beat under the lights in Murfreesboro and the Hilltopper’s mascot looks like the offspring of Chewbacca’s sister and the Cool-aide guy.
Enough said….
RAIDERS of BLUE 33-17

Arkansas – Monticello at Delta State
This game features the surprising Boll Weevils of Arkansas and my beloved Fighting Okra.
Except for Okra Winfrey there isn’t anything I don’t love about Okra.
FIGHTING OKRA 24-21

California at Oregon
I had every intention of watching this thrilling matchup from a bottom tiered football conference but The Animal Planet is suppose to have Rhino’s on Roller Skates on at the same time.
Don’t worry, I have on good authority that…
No Rhino’s will be harmed in the “Roller Boogie” portion of the program
QUACKS 6-5

Friday October 7th

Boise State at Fresno State
Not really sure why this is a rivalry game, but it is…
This game is called “The Battle for the Milk Can”
(And “No” I’m not making this up)
And as you might have guessed…
The winner of the game gets a Milk Can
Yippee
MILKY WAY BRONCO’S 33-28

Saturday October 8th

Oklahoma at Texas
This is the Red River Rivalry
It’s played each year during the Texas State Fair at the Cotton Bowl (As God intended it)
Pure and simple this game is hatred personified.
The teams, the fans, and the alumni dislike each other intensely.
Sometimes I make picks based on statistics and trends and other times I pick with my heart.
No matter where I am, I am always Deep in the Heart of Texas
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 33-31

Maryland at Georgia Tech
The Linoleum Tile Turtles takes on the Rambling Wreck of Tech in Atlanta
And if you are wondering “why” this game is so important, it’s because…
Across the street from the Tech stadium is the Home to the greatest chili dogs in the world
“The Varsity”
Believe it…
YELLOW JACKETS 34-17

Mississippi State at UAB
The Bulldogs travel to Legion Field in Birmingham to take on the Blazers
The sign in the stadium still says “The Football Capital of the South”
Those were the days…
BULLY DOGS 38-10

Minnesota at Purdue
This Big Ten (or Twelve) Rivalry is played each year for..
“Herbert’s Sphincter Cannon”
Word to the wise…
You don’t want to be around when Herbert’s cannon goes off…
BOILERMAKERS 20-17

Louisville at North Carolina
I can’t make up my mind about these two teams…
One week the Cardinals are Strong and the next week they are getting sand kicked in their face
One week the Heels are Tarred and the next week they get feathered.
This is one a tossup
HEELS of TAR 24-17

Connecticut at West Virginia
Smoldering couches on Sunday morning smells like….
“Victory..”
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-14

Kentucky at South Carolina
This game has jobs on the line and reputations at stake (yes, it does…)
It’s going to be closer than you might think
GAMECOCKS 24-17

North Alabama at Arkansas Tech
The folks from Arkansas Tech are called “The Wonder Boys”
Well, “wonder” no longer boys
MIGHTY LIONS 42-17

Florida State at Wake Forest
Maybe it’s just me….
But instead of having some student in a foam rubber costume
I wish the Demon Deacon mascot was Jimmy Swaggert…
He’s a hoot when he’s all liquored up, on a crying jag and waving his arms in the air
Never mind
NOLES 38-10

Memphis at Rice
Neither one of these teams could beat the Odessa Perriman Panthers in Odessa Texas
And that’s a fact
ELVIS’S TIGERS 17-10

Murray State at Georgia State
I cannot in good conscience pick any team that Bill Curry is associated with.
That being said….
PACERS 28-17

Army at Miami (OH)
I might be wrong….
But I don’t think the boys from West Point can put together a two game winning streak here
REDHAWKS 33-17

Marist at Davidson
I don’t know that much about David’s Son, but that Marist is a Fox
RED FOXES 24-21

Montana Western at North Dakota
I know some members of the NCAA Speech Police read this column because I read the emails.
This pick is for them….
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-10

San Diego at Valparaiso
This game features “Torero’s” and “Crusaders”….
I think I saw a “Torero” last night on a commercial…
It’s that new burrito looking thing they are selling at Taco Bell that looks like a cut-away of a large intestine. Now why would you want to name your football team after something like that?
CRUISERS 27-14

Temple at Ball State
You don’t really care about this game do you?
I didn’t think so
HOOT OWLS 34-31

Florida International at Akron
The Panthers have let me down the past couple of weeks
But it’s time for the Hilton to get loose…
HILTON PANTHERS 33-31

Illinois at Indiana
This Big Ten and cross state rivalry game is played annually for the…
“Puddin’ Tane Trophy”, ask me again and I will tell you the same
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-10

Chattanooga at Georgia Southern
The Eagles of Southern are the Number One team in the country in their respective division.
That ranking won’t change after Saturday
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-21

Boston College at Clemson
This Atlantic Coast Conference Rivalry is played for “The Leather Helmet” and..
The O’Rourke-McFadden Trophy
Which (by the way) has nothing to do with Mickey Rourke or Johnny McFadden
Just so you know
DABO’S TIGERS 34-17

North Dakota State at Southern Illinois
The folks from Southern are called the “Salukis”…
That sounds like a pesky foot fungus if you ask me.
Which is disgusting…
THUNDERING BISON 28-24

Missouri at Kansas State
I know, I know….
The Wildcats of State are winning and winning….
But Mo knows there is more than one way to skin a cat
MO’S TIGERS 28-24

Central Michigan at North Carolina State
I really don’t know what to think about the latest Public Service Announcement from the Department of Agriculture. Have you seen it?
“Chippewa’s; the other white meat”
(I think that is very inappropriate)
PACKS of WOLVES 28-24

Ohio at Buffalo
The Bobcats are rolling and the Boy’s from Buffalo are just winging it.
(In case you were wondering, “yes” that was Buffalo Wings reference)
FRANK’S CATS 38-10

Arizona State at Utah
The Two Ute’s has too much Ute on their team to complete with the Devils from the Sun.
SUNNY DEVILS 31-28

Iowa at Penn State
This is going to be an old fashioned Big Ten battle in the trenches.
It’s going to be a real tussle and could go either way…
But I believe Joe Pa still has a trick or two up his depends.
JOE PA’S LIONS 23-17

Southern Miss at Navy
This one is going to be close, real close….
MIDSHIPMEN 28-24

Miami at Virginia Tech
Please see “Southern Miss and Navy” above…
Then wash, rinse and repeat….
HOKEY POKEY 24-21

Catawba at Carson Newman
The Mighty Spark’s Eagles will not lose three games in a row….
Or I will have to go into the Witness Protection Program (again…)
SPARK’S EAGLES 34-31

Florida at LSU
I have a great deal of respect for both of these teams, so I won’t belabor the point or make some funny witticism concerning this game. But it’s going to be closer than you might think
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-21

Pittsburgh at Rutgers
If these two teams were entertainers they would be “Siegfried and Roy”
ROY’S PANTHERS 24-17

Air Force at Notre Dame
I wouldn’t call this an “Upset” unless you were a Fighting Irish fan…
MIGHTY FALCONS 34-28

Montana State at Portland State
The Bobcats will ground the Vikings..
Believe it
BOBCATS 38-17

Arkansas Pine Bluff at Jackson State
The Golden Lions of Pine Bluff will be tarnished by Walter’s Tigers on Saturday.
And as a side note: the Battle of the Bands at halftime in this game is not to be missed.
WALTER’S TIGERS 43-24

Valdosta State at Ouachita Baptist
I have an interesting fact about the Ouachita Baptist…
They refuse to make love standing up because..
They are afraid someone will see them and think they are dancing.
DANCING BAPTIST 31-24

Montana at Idaho
This is a Big rivalry game…
And it is played each year for the “Little Brown Stein”
I bet you are surprised I knew that..
I am a mental storehouse for “strange facts known by few”
(It’s a blessing and a curse)
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 33-24

Marshall at Central Florida
The Thundering Herd Thundered through Louisville last Saturday
But the Boys from O-Town (Not the defunct Boy Band) are ready…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 33-28

Iowa State at Baylor
The Cyclones are a dangerous team (when they want to be)…
And the Bears are way overrated….
CYCLONES 33-31

Auburn at Arkansas
The War Eagle faithful has reminded me (repeatedly) that I haven’t picked them to win since the first week and they would be correct in that assertion. Let’s keep the streak going, shall we?
HAWGS 38-24

Michigan at Northwestern
Another Big Ten (or twelve) Game and you know exactly what that means…
Another game for a coveted Rivalry Trophy!
This game is played for the “Mask of Yak Trophy”
Which oddly enough looks like former Michigan “first lady” Rita Rodriguez without makeup.
WOLVERINES 38-10

Georgia at Tennessee
I have read a number of emails recently from Volunteer fans “claiming” among other things that “I never say anything positive about their program”. I was hurt and dismayed by those accusations and vowed to rectify this perceived wrong, because after all, I work very hard to leave each reader with hope and optimism concerning their teams in each and every article.
With that being said….
Recently I saw former University of Tennessee Coach Phil Fulmer on a television commercial promoting tourism to Gulf Shores Alabama. In the commercial Phil Fulmer was wearing a t-shirt and shorts.

In that t-shirt…..
Phil Fulmer’s man boobs looked like old orangutan monkey boobs.
SIC EM DOGS 31-28

Texas A&M at Texas Tech
The Aggies are madder than Wynonna Judd at a Weight Watchers meeting…
But on a positive note: If you are ever in Lubbock Texas, you have to see the Buddy Holly Museum, you won’t be disappointed Peggy Sue.
GIG EM AGGIES 33-17

East Carolina at Houston
The Pirates of Carolina are in for a rude awakening in H-Town
This isn’t the wounded and beat up Cougars from last year
These boys are healthy
MIGHTY COUGARS 38-17

Vanderbilt at Alabama
The Commodores always play the Tide tough, and this game will be no exception.
CRIMSON TIDE 28-14

UNLV at Nevada
This is the biggest rivalry game in the state of Nevada…
Actually it’s the only rivalry game in the state of Nevada, but who’s counting
This game is called “The Battle of Nevada” and it’s played for the “Fremont Cannon”.
Not to be confused in any way with the “Tippy McAllen Casino and Big Butt Cannon Buffett”
Those are two completely different things, just so you know
WOLF PACK 31-17

Colorado at Stanford
The Buffalo are pulling out all the stops to motivate the players this week!
The rumors are true!
You will not see “Ralphie” the Buffalo leading the Colorado team onto the field this Saturday.
It will be Wynonna Judd in a tube top…
(Sorry for the disturbing visual)
CARDINAL 43-10

Florida Atlantic at North Texas
The Hooter’s from Florida (Not the original location in Clearwater but someplace else..)
Are going to get an unhealthy does of the…
MEAN GREEN 34-17

Ohio State at Nebraska
The way these two teams are playing it wouldn’t surprise me if they both lost.
CHILDREN of the CORN 24-17

Syracuse at Tulane
The Orange got squeezed last week, but Orange you glad I picked you this week?
(I know that was weak, but honestly that’s all I had for this game, sorry)
OTTO the ORANGE 33-14

Wyoming at Utah State
Don’t remind me….
I know the Aggies have let me down as of late, but they won’t disappoint this week
Cowboy Down!
AGGIES UP 28-17

San Jose State at Brigham Young
Do you know the motto of the San Jose Football team?
“We are Everybody’s Homecoming Team”
COUGARS 34-14

Washington State at UCLA
My Black Lab “Doc” wanted to make this pick….
I knew he wanted to make the pick because he came up to the screen
Turned his head from side to side….
And walked away with a disgusted look on his face…
That means one thing..
BRUINS 28-24

Texas Christian at San Diego State
The Frogs got Dehorned Last week by the Mighty SMU Mustangs….
Lightening won’t strike twice in the same place
Believe it
HORNED FROGS 33-28

Kansas at Oklahoma State
The Prairie Wind is going to smack Jay’s Hawks in the naughty place…
COWBOY UP! 43-17

Arizona at Oregon State
Although State hasn’t played very well as of late…
I still believe in the Power of the Beaver
MIGHTY BEAVERS 24-21

Enjoy your games…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

College Football Picks Week 1

MEB — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 18:04:01 +0000

Ladies and Gentlemen –

As you know by now…….
The finest College Football Picks anywhere in the Country are right here and ready for your viewing pleasure. (No need to thank me, it’s what I do)

We have some big games and some “not so” big games, but they are all here for you

So let’s get to it

It’s time for College Football

And one other thing…
It’s good to be back, I have missed you all.

Enjoy…………

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

LSU: I am sure by now you have all heard about the four Tiger knuckleheads who got into a fight at a bar in Baton Rouge, one of which is starting quarterback Jordan Jefferson.

You may be thinking “He isn’t too smart”

Some of us already knew that….

Click here to view the embedded video.

TEXAS A&M: If the Aggies are willing to ditch their rich tradition because the University of Texas has created the “Longhorn Network” then I have an idea.

Why don’t the Aggies create their own network and stay in their own conference.

Unless they are just mad because they didn’t think of it first.

GEORGIA: I thought “Tradition” actually meant something in Athens, I guess I was wrong

So you ditched your “classic” uniforms for this futuristic transformer crap

If you were going for the “stupid” look, congratulations you hit the mark

MARYLAND: You got no room to laugh at Georgia, so don’t even giggle.
Your “new” helmets courtesy of Under Armour….

Look like a linoleum kitchen floor design from the 1970’s

It’s so ugly and disturbing I can’t have a picture on the site for fear someone will have an epileptic seizure from staring at them too long.

NIKE: In this late breaking news story, we see that NIKE has accomplished a preseason coupe by signing numerous SEC schools to uniform contracts.

Here we see teams modeling the latest creations.
Georgia in Red
Tennessee in Orange
Vanderbilt in Black
Kentucky in Blue, and…..

A SPECIAL flamingo pink for Florida
They do look spectacular.

AUBURN: In this age when the national media makes “stars” and “celebrities” from torrid sex tapes I am sad to report that it is “rumored” that Auburn Coach Gene Chizik has gotten on the bandwagon of this very disturbing and disgusting trend with a “sex tape” of his own.

The video in question is reported to show Coach Gene Chizik and as yet unidentified young female in a night of unabashed passion and debauchery.
here is no word yet on the age, name or address of the young female sheep involved in the video.

EDITORS NOTE: I know, I know….
That was Baddddd Badddddddd

MIAMI: With the latest suspensions of Hurricane players linked to the ongoing NCAA Investigation, it was reported today that Miami will take the unprecedented step in playing their remaining eligible players “four ways”. Hurricane Head Coach Al Golden explained it this way…

“With only six players eligible on the football team each player will have to play two separate positions on offense and defense, which makes it a four way player. It’s like the old days of players playing offense and defense except different”

EDITORS NOTE: Good Luck with that Coach…

OHIO STATE – MICHIGAN: The below picture was sent to the Staff at the CFB Wizard courtesy of a Wolverine Fan. How do I know it was a Wolverine Fan that sent it?

The email smelled like sauerkraut

OLE MISS: Ah Houston, I think you have a problem…..

EMAIL OF THE WEEK

Sir,
I am Harley Hanesworth, world renowned sports columnist for the Telfair Enterprise, here in McRae, Georgia. I’ve read and kept up with your column for many years and have been inspired by it. I have written many times in the Enterprise after this inspiration and, as a result, have almost been run out of town on numerous occasions.
I don’t think the locals here get me.
With that in mind, I would like to submit from time to time some insights and commentary on things in the college football world that you may deem worthy to print, if you so desire. With that in mind, here is a little something I ginned up while downing a bottle of Gilbey’s.

College football is about to begin.
Numerous publications have written about the teams, posted their schedules, and even have the bowl schedules posted. The bowl schedules kind of caught my eye. I was looking at this list and noted how the names of such, remarkably, reflect the caliber of talent that the individual bowls select to play in their “prestigious” events. Here are some examples:

The Humanitarian Bowl – Aptly named since it is actually a humanitarian gesture to invite teams from the MAC and WAC to participate in postseason play

Beef O’Brady’s Bowl – Should be the “Where’s the” Beef O’Brady’s Bowl. Certainly a lack of it with teams from the Big East and Conference USA participating

Poinsettia Bowl – Flowers are appropriate to celebrate the death of another season for the contestants from the Mountain West and WAC

MAACO – This is actually an acronym. Means “Maybe Alaska And Colorado Observe” this highly riveting game between the Mountain West and PAC 12 is the cure for insomnia

Independence – Participants from the ACC and Mountain West were selected due to their blanket coverage on Independent TV. (Channels 14 and above)

Champs Sports – Should have actually been called the Chumps Sports Bowl with these juggernauts from the ACC and Big East gumming each other into submission

Insight – I’ll give you all the insight you need.
The Big Ten vs The Big 12.
They can’t even get their conference names right

Chick-fil-A – Nothing says ass whipping like a team from the SEC taking on the boneless breast of a conference rep from the ACC

TicketCity – Fans from the Big Ten and Conference USA will be getting rung up by local law enforcement after trying to skedaddle out of town after the final gun.

And just one final observation.
The Outback, Capital One, and Gator Bowl all feature matchups between the Big Ten (Dozen?) and the SEC. I always wondered why the losing numbers just kept piling up for the Big Ten vs SEC schools. Now I know. They’re a glutton for punishment.

Respectfully

Harley Hanesworth

FOLLOW-UP EMAIL OF THE WEEK

Mr “Wizard” (as you refer to yourself),

I was appalled and taken aback at the recent publication of my letter on your sordid website.
Have you no common decency?

Do you not understand the principles of confidentiality?
As a result of your disgraceful act, I have been bombarded with cards, letters, and emails from your wretched followers. However, the ultimate humiliation was a call from the Secretary of Defense himself.
He was quite upset and almost had me in tears!!
Therefore, as some of your minions may have noted, we have rescinded the blockage of your website; however, it is only for CONUS use.
I was able to convince my superiors of the National Security concerns that we have over your outlandish and subversive drivel. You see, we had what we call a “PC” dilemma.
What I mean is that we had your most un-politically correct website but we also had many unhappy soldiers that couldn’t pick up your site. Although it is for their own good, we can’t have our soldiers walking around pouting and pouching out their succulent, plump, lower lips, all slouched over and with their heads down.

We need to have these young people standing erect and proud, with their firm, muscular chests poked out, and their tight, taut butt cheeks, pinched tightly to form a… ah, well, you know what I mean.

As I said, in order to remedy the dilemma we have formally lifted the ban of your site here in the US. But rest assured, we of the REE/TARD Brigade will be watching you.
We will be monitoring your every word.
Rest assured, sir, that when I put my hands on a soldier, hug them tightly, and whisper softly in his ear; I will be personally assuring him that you will do no more harm.
He will feel my warm breath on his face, my firm hands pulling him gently into a warm embrace…. and, ah, I’ll make him feel better.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!

Militarily,
Beauregard T. Thistleballs,
General
United States Army
REE/TARDS
University of Southern California ‘69

THE PICKS

Thursday September 1st

Carson Newman at Glenville State
I think Glen’s ego has gotten out of hand….
First he has his own town and now he wants to have his own State.
Coach Sparks Boys will bring him back to reality
SPARKS EAGLES 34-24

Drake and North Dakota
This pick is for the NCAA politically correct police….
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-10

Wake Forest at Syracuse
I was going to watch this game but…..
It’s on at the same time as my “Trombonists Anonymous Meeting”
Sorry….
DEMONS DEACONS 28-24

New Hampshire at Toledo
Good News “Rocket Fans”…..
Your “new” mascot Rocky the Rocket will be unveiled at this game….
It looks like a TeleTubbie on Crack….

Congratulations…
ROCKY ROCKET 28-24

Western Carolina at Georgia Tech
I still think “Catamount” sounds like something nasty is going on…
YELLOW JACKETS 38-14

West Alabama at South Alabama
This is a Backyard Brawl early in the season and it’s all Alabama
I’m a South Alabama man….
JAGUARS 24-17

Montana State at Utah
Stop me if you have heard this one….
Two Utes and a Bobcat walk into a bar with a Midget and a Rabbi….
I told that one already? Sorry…
TWO UTES 43-24

Fordham at Connecticut
You may not know this…
The Great Vince Lombardi was one of the “original” Seven Blocks of Granite of the 1936 Fordham Rams Football Team and they are all legends of the game of college football.
Unfortunately that’s not going to help them much here….
HUSKIES 34-10

Mississippi State at Memphis
The Boys from the Land of Elvis are going to be “All Shook Up” by the Bulldogs
Believe it
BULLY DOGS 34-10

UC Davis at Arizona State
I don’t care and neither should you
DEVILS of the SUN 41-10

Central Oklahoma at North Alabama
The Lions of Florence are loaded this year
Remember you heard it here first….
MIGHTY LIONS 38-21

UNLV at Wisconsin
Behold the Power of Cheese Whiz!
BADGERS 44-10

Kentucky at Western Kentucky
There will be a lot of Bluegrass in this game….
And I’m not talking about what fans will be smoking in the parking lot before kickoff
WILDCATS 33-17

North Carolina Central at Rutgers
The Carolina Eagles will get a beat down and their fans get car jacked…
Welcome to New Jersey………
SCARLET KNIGHTS 38-10

Murray State at Louisville
The Racers get rode hard in the Ville
Believe it….
STRONG CARDINALS 43-10

South Carolina State at Central Michigan
When I make a mistake I own up to it….
I have reported in the past that a Chippewa’s is an “infected mole”
Nothing could be further from the truth, as I recently discovered, and I offer my sincere apologizes for such erroneous reporting. You expect a higher standard than that.
In fact it is another term for “Chipped Beef on Toast”…
As in: “I will have two eggs over easy and a plate of Chippewa”
I hope that has cleared up any misunderstanding
CHIPPEWA’S 28-10

Bowling Green at Idaho
I had every good intention of watching this game…..
But I plan on being trapped in a small dingy off the coast of Paraguay at the same time
SMALL POTATOS 28-24

Friday September 2nd

Youngstown State at Michigan State
Penguins and Spartans….
Sounds like the makings of a Disney movie to me…
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 33-17

Texas Christian at Baylor
The Bears of Baylor have a good football team this year…
Just not good enough in this match-up.
HORNED FROGS 28-24

Saturday September 3rd

Delaware State at Virginia Military Academy
I don’t know much about the Hornets of Delaware but George Patton went to VMI
and that’s good enough for me…
KEYDETS 24-21

Jacksonville at Citadel
This isn’t the Jacksonville State Gamecocks or I would pick them to spank the Dogs.
But since it isn’t I won’t
BULLDOGS 34-6

Duquesne at Bucknell
Did you know…..
That you can’t say “Duquesne” properly unless you just drank a glass of buttermilk?
JOHN WAYNE and THE DUKES 24-17

Alabama State at Mississippi Valley State
There are Hornets and Delta Devils in this match-up…..
I have met my fair share of both…
And both of them will run you out of the barn when you least expected it…
Consider that to be your safety tip of the day
DELTA DEVILS 21-14

Arkansas State at Illinois
The Indians of Arkansas State can’t be the “Indians” anymore because the “Indians” are offended so now they are the Red Wolves. The Fighting Illini can’t use “Chief Illiniwek” as a mascot because another gaggle of idiots are offended.
I’m offended that both universities are getting jacked around by the NCAA over their mascots, does that mean they get to keep things the way they were?
Just wondering….
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-10

Western Michigan at Michigan
I was going to watch this game but “former” Wolverine Coach Rich Rod is going to be on a “new” VH1 reality program with his wife Rita Rod called “Guess that Skank”.
Its times like these I wish I had TiVo
WOLVERINES 43-10

Southern University at Tennessee State
I know I have heard it all before….
The Jaguars have the better team in this contest
But as far as I am concerned they will always be Big John Merritt’s Tigers
I still miss the Big Man
BIG JOHN’S TIGERS 24-21

Alcorn State at Grambling
The Great Doug Williams has returned to Grambling to be the Head Football Coach of the Tigers
Welcome Back Coach……
But just for the record….
Coach Rob will always be “The Man” at Grambling….
ROB’S TIGERS 33-28

Louisiana Monroe at Florida State
Poor ole Monroe….
That boy is headed for an ass whipping of Biblical proportions
SEMINOLES 52-0

Utah State at Auburn
The Aggies are the worse team in Division I College Football……
And you know what that means?
The Tiger fans will be rolling the dying shrubs at Toomer’s Corner at Midnight..
What? Too soon?
WAR DAMN EAGLE 103-0

Eastern Kentucky at Kansas State
Coach Bill Snyder’s petrified body will be on display on the sidelines to inspire the Cats to victory over the Colonels of Kentucky.
You do know Coach Snyder has been dead since 1998 didn’t you?
WILDCATS 33-17

Indiana at Ball State
Have I mentioned that David Letterman is an alumni of Ball State?
I have? That won’t matter much this time either….
WHOSE YOUR DADDY 33-21

Akron at Ohio State
Its Football Time in Columbus Ohio and you know what that means!
“The Ohio State Buckeyes Beat Every Little College Ass in Ohio Tour”
Ahhh Good Times…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 38-10

UCLA at Houston
The “University of California Left at Artesia” is going to be introduced to what I like to refer to as…“A Houston Texas Ass Whipping”
Enjoy…..
COUGARS 31-24

Louisiana Tech at Southern Miss
There is nothing like a college football game in Hattiesburg Mississippi
I can almost smell the BBQ smoking from here…
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

Rice at Texas
What I wouldn’t give to be in Austin Texas on Saturday Night….
I’m a legend on 6th Street in case you didn’t know
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-10

Kent State at Alabama
Welcome to Tuscaloosa Alabama!
Here is your cashier’s check for visiting us…
Now please make your way to Bryant Denny Stadium where..
You will get your asses kicked between your shoulder blades.
CRIMSON TIDE 38-10

Indiana State at Penn State
The “Fighting” Sycamores come to Happy Valley….
Whoever heard of a “Fighting” Tree?
“HEY Everybody RUN for your Lives! It’s a FIGHTING Tree!”
That’s just stupid…..
JOE PA’S LIONS 55-0

Troy at Clemson
With Troy traveling to Death Valley to meet the Mighty Clemson Tigers this week

This is an excellent time to tell you my favorite story about “Helen of Troy” Alabama….
Helen was the proprietor of a little General Store outside of Troy and she had been single for as long as anyone could remember. All she did was work at her store and go to church, that was about it.
Then one day….
There was this salesman from Birmingham that was on his way to Troy on business and he had just drunk two Coca-Cola’s and he had to relieve himself before he got into town. So he stopped on the side of the road and went into some bushes to take care of his business.
What this fellow didn’t know was that he was relieving himself on a yellow jackets nest. And a few of those aggravated creatures came boiling out of that nest and stung him on his personal business.
Frightened and scared the salesman ran out of the bushes and jumped into his car and stopped at the first place he found, which just happened to be Helen’s General Store.
The injured salesman got out of his car and stumbled into Helen’s Store holding his swollen personal business and asked Helen “What can you give me for this?”
Helen said “A pair of diamond earrings, keys to a new Ford F-150 and the title to the store”
The two haven’t been heard from since….

THE MIGHTY TIGERS 38-10

Campbell at Old Dominion
This game boasts a Battle between Camels and Monarchs…
Yes you read that correctly….
And to make this “even” better the Campbell Camels mascot is named….
“Gaylord the Camel”
Enough said….
BIG BLUE MONARCHS 27-17

Tulsa at Oklahoma
After months of extensive research by the professional staff at the CFB Wizard we have finally determined what the folks at Tulsa mean by a “Golden Hurricane”.
It’s what happens when somebody is all liquored up and they pee into a box fan.
And please, don’t ask how we came to that conclusion.
BOOMER SOONERS 49-10

Richmond at Duke
I had every intention of watching this game….
But a documentary on the history of Styrofoam is on the Learning Channel at the same time.
It’s a matter of priorities
DEVILS of BLUE 33-17

Appalachian State at Virginia Tech
The Mountaineers are about to learn the answer to an age old question..
“Yes”, the Hokey Pokey is what it’s all about…..
HOKEY HOKEY HI! 34-13

Weber State at Wyoming
I had no idea that the fine folks from Weber Grills had their own college….
They make some of the finest outdoor grills known to mankind….
Not that it matters much here……
COWBOY UP! 34-7

Georgia Southern at Samford
It doesn’t matter how many times I have written this column…
Every time I see “Samford” I think of Sanford and Son….
If they ever have a quarterback named “Lamont” I will lose it
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-10

Cal Poly at San Diego State
Frankly there is too much activity in this match-up to suit me…
You have some guy named Cal who likes to be called “Polly”
(Which is an indication that Cal has some “issues”)
Then you have a group of ancient Aztecs running around presumably to perform ritual sacrifices on someone, worship the sun while building monuments to something or another.
This game is just too busy for me….Sorry
ANCIENT AZTECS 38-17

McNeese State at Kansas
Warning: Watching this game could cause…
The viewer to experience severe flatulence in the cerebral cortex
HAWKS of JAY 33-17

Northern Arizona at Arizona
An instate Battle in the Land of Sand….
This time of the year Arizona is ten degrees cooler than the surface of the sun….
HOT CATS 28-17

Sacramento State at Oregon State
I have said this for years and I stand by my statement….
I believe in the Power of the Beaver
MIGHTY BEAVERS 38-10

Liberty at North Carolina State
Someone told me that Liberty is known as the “Flamers”
I had no idea Kenny Chesney had his own college, did you?
WOLFPACK 44-6

Miami (OH) at Missouri
Here is how this game breaks down, so pay close attention
Miami of Ohio has a very good football team
The Missouri Tigers are way (way) better than good
Yes, it’s just that simple sometimes
MO’S TIGERS 31-17

South Carolina at East Carolina
I have on good authority that Gamecock quarterback Stephen Garcia is changing his game day routine this season in an effort to show more consistency in his play at quarterback.
He is going to start getting liquored up “before” the games this year.
Party on Stephen….
MIGHTY ROOSTERS 43-10

James Madison at North Carolina
I don’t know that much about Jimmy Madison
But his wife Dolly makes some killer mini donuts….
TAR HEELS 24-17

William and Mary at Virginia
I don’t know what Bill and Mary were thinking when they scheduled this game…
But I bet there was liquor involved
CAVALIERS 24-17

Delaware at Navy
Why did the Blue Hen cross the road?
To get its ass kicked by the United States Naval Academy, that’s why.
MIDSHIPMEN 34-24

Brigham Young at Ole Miss
I might be wrong on this one, but I don’t think so
COUGARS 24-17

Boise State at Georgia
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Bulldogs take it to the Broncos in a close one between the hedges
Believe it
SIC EM DAWGS 31-28

Eastern Washington at Washington
An Eagle can’t whip a Big Dog….
It’s in the Bible
MIGHTY HUSKIES 38-10

LSU and Oregon
Cowboy Stadium, Dallas Texas

Oregon Coach Chip Kelly tolerates thugs and drug use on his team…
LSU Coach Les Miles doesn’t…

In perhaps the Biggest game of the early 2011 Season…

Chip Kelly is keeping his thugs on the team to play in the game
Les Miles suspended his players, including the starting quarterback.

The Ducks are prostitutes to NIKE and will change their uniform designs on a whim…
The Mighty Tigers hold true to tradition…..

It’s the Southeastern Conference and the Pacific Athletic Conference

There can only be one winner…
And here is my pick…
“The Ducks get plucked while their offense gets stuck and their fans tell Chip Kelly to get lost”
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-24

EDITORS NOTE: You thought I was going to say something nasty there didn’t you?
Shame on you….

Montana at Tennessee
If you have an opportunity to see this game on television I want to clarify something for you.
There IS a BIG difference between the Montana “Grizzly” Bear mascot and the University of Tennessee female Cheerleaders. One is exceptionally large with an extreme amount of body hair, a long snout, unsightly teeth and a bad disposition.
The other is a college kid in a foam rubber bear costume.
I hope that clears up any preconceived misunderstanding…
VOWELS 38-17

Northwestern at Boston College
This has all the makings of a classic matchup between two evenly matched teams
Unfortunately I don’t care
WILDCATS 23-21

Elon at Vanderbilt
I am a big fan of Lionel Richie….
So I will go with the Commodores in this one
BRICKHOUSE COMMODORES 33-10

Buffalo at Pittsburgh
I was hoping I would get a chance to see this game….
But I have to rearrange my sock drawer.
It’s a scheduling conflict
PANTHERS 38-10

South Dakota at Air Force
I have never seen the Air Force bomb Coyotes…
But I suppose anything is possible…
MIGHTY FALCONS 33-14

Charleston Southern at Central Florida
This game will have Buccaneers and Golden Knights…
Sounds like a party at Elton John’s house
O’ SO GOLDEN KNIGHTS 41-10

Howard at Eastern Michigan
I don’t care if Howard is crazy enough to ride a Bison..
Those Eagles are going to whip his Buffalo riding ass
EAGLES 33-10

Louisiana Lafayette at Oklahoma State
I think the Prairie Wind is going to touch the Cajuns in the naughty place..
And it’s going to hurt, a lot.
COWBOYS! 53-10

Ohio at New Mexico State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!
Lasso Larry turns up the heat in the desert for the Cool Cats of Ohio
(Thought that one up myself)
LASSO LARRY 23-21

Colorado at Hawaii
Much like me you probably only have one question concerning this game in Hawaii…
When is Dog the Bounty Hunter’s new season premiering on the A&E Network?
BUFFALOS 31-17

Middle Tennessee at Purdue
I was planning on watching this game and then I realized….
It comes on at the same time as the Cosby Kids and Fat Albert marathon on TV Land.
Heeey Heeey Heeey I can’t watch this game…..Fat Albert’s on!
BOILERMAKERS 28-20

Marist at Sacred Heart
I am infuriated that the Pioneers think their heart is somehow more “sacred” than anyone else’s.
That kind of arrogance disgusts me.
Not that it matters, that Marist is a Fox.
RED FOXES 23-21

Army at Northern Illinois
Each year I start out picking West Point to win and they lose…
Then I pick them to lose and they win…
Here we go again…
BLACK KNIGHTS 24-17

Texas State at Texas Tech
The Red Raiders mascot “The Masked Rider” rides “Red Raider” around the stadium each time they score. Before this one is over they may need a “stunt” horse.
GET THOSE GUNS UP! RED RAIDERS! 106-0

Chattanooga at Nebraska
The Boy’s from Chattanooga….
Are going to feel like they were run over by the Chattanooga Choo Choo before this one is over
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 44-0

Lafayette at North Dakota State
I understand that the NCAA is wanting the “Bison” of North Dakota State to change their mascot too. It has been reported that a Bison in Montana is “offended” by the assertion that all Bison come from South Dakota.
(Don’t laugh, it makes about as much sense as the NCAA stance on American Indian mascots)
MIGHTY BUFFALO 23-10

Furman at Coastal Carolina
Maybe it’s just me….
But “Chanticleers” sounds like something that requires a shot of penicillin.
CHEWBACCA 31-17

South Florida at Notre Dame
Don’t be surprised if this game goes “the other way”
FIGHTING IRISH 33-28

San Jose at Stanford
Do you know the way to “San Jose”?
Yeah, it’s over there next to a sign that says “Free Ass Whipping Here for Jose”
CARDINAL 41-10

Missouri State at Arkansas
Before MO’s Bears hear “And the Rockets’ Red Glare..”
They will be down three touchdowns….
HAWGS 77-0

Florida Atlantic at Florida
You have to wonder how wise an Owl really is for scheduling this game with the Mighty Gators
MIGHTY GATORS 38-10

Idaho State at Washington State
I would rather be horribly ravaged by wild gorillas than watch this game
COUGARS 10-6

Stony Brook at Texas El Paso
Two points to make in the game…
One: Stony Brook Chalets in Gatlinburg Tennessee is a great place to visit and relax.
(Before you ask, yes that was a shameless plug)
Two: El Paso is a not so great place to visit and relax.
That is unless you like scorching heat, gang violence and illegal aliens.
I hope this helped..
MINERS 31-14

Minnesota at Southern California
I am afraid the O’ So Golden Gophers have bitten off more than they can gnaw in this one
TROJANS 43-14

Colorado State at New Mexico
I can’t watch this game…..
The E! True Hollywood Story of “Slim Whitman” is on at the same time…
He’s a legend
RAMS 31-17

Fresno State at California
I was planning on watching this “great” game featuring all things California…
But I intend on giving myself a concussion with a claw hammer until…
I no can watch PAC 10 or 12 football good no more….
GOLDEN GRAM BEARS 6-3

Sunday September 4th

Marshall at West Virginia
The “Friends of Coal Bowl” comes early this year….
Make no mistake about it, there is enough hate in this one to last all season
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 31-24

Southern Methodist at Texas A&M
My Poor Ponies…..
I wish I had better news…
But this game is going to be uglier than Hillary Clinton in a string bikini..
Sorry for the visual…
If it’s any consolation, it made me sick too
GIG EM AGGIES 44-17

Monday September 5th

Miami at Maryland
Since the Canes only have six players eligible for this game I will go with the….
FIGHTING LINOLEUM KITCHEN FLOOR 23-21

SPECIAL PICK OF THE WEEK

Saturday September 3rd

Tennessee Tech at Iowa
This time of the season I always make some smart ass comment about the Hawkeyes mascot, etc
Not this year…..

This pick is for Iowa native Petty Officer Jon T. “JT” Tumilson United States Navy SEAL and his faithful dog Hawkeye. A Damn good man and a damn fine dog.
HAWKEYES 44-10

Enjoy your games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

College Football Picks Week 10

MEB — Thu, 04 Nov 2010 16:07:55 +0000

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Halloween is over and I hope that none of my beloved readers lost a loved one this year to the insatiable appetite of Fat Phil Fulmer when he emerged from the pumpkin patch.

But there were far too many “Tricks” and not enough “Treats” to suit me this year.

This coupled with the “signs” of the coming apocalypse made Halloween all too disturbing.
What do I mean and what are the signs of the end of the world you may ask?

The signs are all around us…..

Texas loses to Baylor….
(O’ the Humanity!)

Notre Dame loses to Tulsa and STILL has a television contract…
(How is that even possible?)

Syracuse continues to win…
(Despite my best efforts of picking against them)

West Virginia..
(Please see Texas above and substitute “Baylor” with Syracuse and Connecticut)

The Miami Hurricanes lose to Virginia….

The Navy Midshipmen lose to the Duke Blue Devils

EDITORS NOTE: Clearly Satan’s hand was at work in this game…
Is it a coincidence that “Blue Devils” beat the Midshipmen?
I think not…

And certainly the most obvious sign of the end of the age….

The Oregon Ducks are Ranked Number One….
I rest my case….

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was “Tricked” on Halloween…
(I admit it…)

I was a dismal 41 and 15 or 73% on Halloween weekend…
That leaves us at 413 and 97 for the season or 81% after nine weeks of college football.

Have no fear my beloved readers, this setback will not deter me
In the words of that immortal 20th Century philosopher M.C. Hammer….
“I’m 2 Legit to Quit…”

EMAIL LETTER OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mister Smartass –
We have been a reading what you write about Coach Phil Fulmer!
He only happens to be the greatest damn football coach to ever wear orange!

If I was you un’s I would watch my self.
I understand Phil Fulmer is six foot five and seven hundred and forty two pounds and he is ALL man!
Hope you enjoyed your little laugh cause Coach Phil is going to catch up with you mister!
Then you are done for!
Danny “Possum Face” Rogers – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Danny…..
Fat Phil Fulmer couldn’t catch me if they strapped his fat ass to a Saturn 5 rocket.

HOOTIE SNITCH UPDATE

As was reported last week…
The self proclaimed number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the planet Hootie Snitch..
Was scheduled to provide you readers with an update this week on his “celebrity golf tournament” in Baneberry Tennessee to “help his momma with the hoof and mouth disease” and provide commentary on the Tennessee Volunteer football program.

Unfortunately Hootie is atop the Baneberry water tower and has vowed “not to come down until the Volunteers win a conference game.”

However, I suspect his “Water Tower Vow” has less to do with the Volunteers lackluster season than it does with Mrs Hootie Snitch (the former Miss Thelma Stroderback) being rather upset with Mr. Snitch.

I say that because….
Hootie has stated that Miss Thelma can empty a bar “when she is a having the PMS….”

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“I don’t understand these folks that run the college football on television….
Why do they think it takes ten damn people talking fo’ three hours about a game we already know about?
It don’t make no difference if they was a coach or player or a water boy, we already know who is playing and what’s at stake in the game.

That’s why we is fans, which they don’t seem to understand…..

Them people give me a damn headache just listening to them go on and on and back and forth.
And they have some people calling the games on television…
They don’t know nothing about college football, its traditions or the history of the games and mispronounce the player’s names during the whole damn game.

I even seen a couple of women calling them games….
It’s bad enough they don’t know nothing about the game….
But they is ugly as a shaved rat too….
I tell you it’s damn shame is what it is….”

EDITORS NOTE: Wise words my friend….Wise words.

THE PICKS

Thursday November 4th

Buffalo at Ohio
I’m not sure why an NFL team is playing Ohio University….
Never mind…
It’s the Buffalo Bills, now that makes sense..
FRANKS BOBCATS 33-17

Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech
This game will be played Thursday Night….
Enter the Sandman….
HOKEY POKEY 24-21

Friday November 5th

Western Michigan at Central Michigan
This instate rivalry is played for the….
“CMU-WMU Rivalry Trophy”
How inventive…
CHIPPEWAS’ 31-28

Central Florida at Houston
The Cougars post season hopes dim as their injury list grows….
Sad, but true…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 34-21

Saturday November 6th

Virginia at Duke
Fans across the Atlantic Coast Conference have waited for this clash of the titans all year..
Not really, I was just trying to hype a game that nobody really cares about …
CAVALIERS 24-21

Air Force at Army
This game may very well decide who wins the “Commander in Chief’s Trophy”
Now…
If we only had a “Commander in Chief” to award the trophy
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-24

Dickenson at Juniata
Miss Emily Dickenson better be ready for a tussle on Saturday….
Because Juanita just got a new pair of pink “Baby Girl” sweat pants from K-Mart..
She is almost unbeatable in those things….
J-LO DOWN 34-14

Florida at Vanderbilt
The Commodores get shipped on by the Mighty Gators in Music City
In case you were wondering….
I thought that one up myself.
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Davidson at Marist
I don’t know much about David’s Son but that Marist is a real Fox
RED FOX 24-20

Louisville at Syracuse
I can’t believe I am writing this…..
OTTO the ORANGE 28-24

Baylor at Oklahoma State
Can you hear that?
It’s the Prairie Wind touching the boys from Wacko in the mean place….
COWBOY UP! 33-24

Idaho State at Georgia
Famous Potatoes gets mashed between the hedges….
And that’s a fact
DAWGS 38-10

Charleston Southern at Kentucky
The Buccaneers gets the crap bucked out of them in the Bluegrass…
JOKERS CATS 43-10

Ursinus at Muhlenberg
I like the Big German Girl in this one….
She looks a lot like the Swiss Miss Girl…
On Steroids
HELGA 31-17

Chattanooga at Auburn
This game is going to be uglier than a party at Charlie Sheen’s House
Minus the cocaine, hookers, midget clowns etc.
WAR DAMN EAGLE 121-3

Akron at Ball State
I wanted to see this game…
But my “Best of Zamfir Pan Flute” CD is supposed to arrive….
ZIPPERS 33-28

UNLV at Brigham Young
I wonder if there was ever a guy named Brigham “Old” …..
Just wondering….
COUGARS 43-10

Rice at Tulsa
I think the most appropriate comment about this game…
Comes once again from that wisest of all modern urban philosophers
M.C. Hammer, when he said and I quote…
“You can’t touch this..”
GOLDEN HURRICANES 28-21

EDITORS NOTE: That song is stuck in your head now and I am truly sorry…

Temple at Kent State
Saturday is supposed to be a perfect day for football…..
Or in the words of Billy Idol….
“It’s a Nice day for a White Wedding..”
FLASHES of GOLD 28-24

EDITORS NOTE: Not really sure what that is supposed to mean…
I purposely used this song to replace the rather annoying song I placed in your heads earlier.
No need to thank me…

Susquehanna at Worchester Tech
I had no idea the Worchester Sauce people had their own college….
Did you?
SUSIE Q 33-10

Colorado at Kansas
I had every intention of watching this game…
But QVC is having an hour long special on “Ant Farms for Fun and Profit”
BUFFALOS 24-21

Appalachian State at Georgia Southern
The Eagles will get the Statesboro Blues when the Mountaineers roll into town
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

New Mexico State at Utah State
There will be a lot of Aggies in this one….
But only one Pistol Pete
PISTOL PETE 34-28

Hawaii at Boise State
The national sports media is touting this game as a “Clash for the Championship”
In reality….
It’s neither….
BRONCOS 92-88

Navy at East Carolina
The United States Navy knows how to deal with Pirates….
Or at least they should…
MIDSHIPMEN 34-31

Nebraska at Iowa State
The Husker Nation is on the road to the Big 12 Championship game….
This game will not be a detour…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 43-24

Texas Christian at Utah
I have on good authority that Chuck Norris lives in Fort Worth
That being said….
Those two Utes better run like hell before they get a roundhouse kick to the head!
HORNED FROGS 33-24

Southern Miss at Tulane
This Southern Rivalry is called the “Battle for the Bell”
It’s played every year for “The Bell”
And “The Bell” will stay in Hattiesburg until hell freezes over…
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-10

James Madison at Richmond
I like the James Madison team and I will tell you why…
Any college that names their team after John Wayne is alright by me…
DUKES 24-20

Alabama at LSU
There is nothing like playing a game in Death Valley…
It’s what the Christians must have felt like in the Roman coliseum
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

Lenoir-Rhyne at Carson Newman
I can’t believe they spelled this incorrectly in the scheduling guide.
It’s supposed to be…
“Lee Ann Rimes”…..
But as a side note…
Why she is playing college football continues to baffle me…
SPARKS EAGLES 38-24

Boston College at Wake Forest
Two things you can count on in this game…
It’s going to be close…
And the Demon Deacon mascot will scare children and make them cry
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 24-21

Marshall at UAB
It pains me to write this…..
It really does….
BLAZERS 38-24

Nevada at Idaho
It’s funny how some words have different meanings….
For example:
You might pronounce that name “Ida-Ho”……
People in Obknoxville say….
“Ho-Down”…..
WOLFPACK 44-24

Wyoming at New Mexico
I would rather see Whoopi Goldberg naked than watch this game…
No, that’s a lie….
On the threat of torture and death I wouldn’t want to see that….
LOW BLOWS 24-17

U La La at Ole Miss
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt, sometimes you don’t
This week….I do…
FOAM RUBBER REBEL BEARS 43-17

Oregon State at UCLA
There is no doubt about it…
I believe in the Power of the Beaver…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 31-24

Oklahoma at Texas A&M
Honestly, I’m too nauseous over my Whoopi Goldberg comment to say something funny here.
I’ve already thrown up twice….
BOOMER SOONERS 38-34

West Alabama at North Alabama
This instate battle in Alabama is played for something more than a trophy or a catchy name.
It’s pride and bragging rights and that says it all.
MIGHTY LIONS 38-10

Arkansas at South Carolina
The Hogs will keep this one close……
Don’t be surprised if Coach Steve doesn’t lose his visor over this one…
GAMECOCKS 31-28

Troy at North Texas
I love the fine folks in Denton…
But why did they have to name their team after a kitchen cleanser?
MEN OF TROY 28-24

Missouri at Texas Tech
MO knows how to get his guns up….
After all, it is the Home of the James and Younger Boys…
Enough said..
MO’S TIGERS 34-17

Texas at Kansas State
I am going to say what we are all thinking..
Notable exception to this would be Oklahoma and Texas A&M fans…
“Damn it Texas, Come ON!”
Now that I have that out of my system..
LONGHORNS 24-17

Tennessee at Memphis
It’s that time of the year in Volunteer country….
When the Big Orange faithful don their finest wife beaters..
And drive their homes across the state to the land of Elvis…
It’s considered to be a pilgrimage if they tour Graceland…
VOWELS 38-17

Southern Methodist at UTEP
This game promises to be a shoot out….
But I have faith in Coach June’s Boys…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34

Colorado State at San Diego State
I would rather watch..
Hillary Clinton play “strip” Twister with Rosie O’Donnell than watch this game
Sorry I made myself throw up again with that one…
RAM TOUGH 33-31

Arizona State at Southern California
I would watch this game….
But Mike Tyson is going to be on “celebrity” Jeopardy
I bet before the first commercial break he bites Alex Trebek’s ear off….
LAME CHEATERS 6-3

Minnesota at Michigan State
This semi-ancient Big Ten Rivalry is played for the “Bucket of Lard”
And in case you were wondering….
Phil Fulmer is the poster child for the Lard Council who sponsors this event.
SPARTANS 43-10

Iowa at Indiana
Another Big Ten game and yet another rivalry trophy…
This game is played each year for the “Sombrero of Bacon”
It may sound tasty to some of you…
But I have on good authority it starts smelling a little gamey by April
EYES of the HAWK 34-17

North Carolina at Florida State
I still miss seeing Coach Bobby on the sidelines….
Wandering around aimlessly in his Vietcong hat, wielding goggles..
And wearing pants with a fifty six inch zipper.
Ahhhhhh Good times.
TAR HEELS 28-24

Virginia at Duke
This game is going to be so boring I listed it twice….
CAVALIERS 24-21

Northwestern at Penn State
Many of you have asked me this year….
After all the years of Coaching in Happy Valley….
What does Joe Pa wear to Lion games for “Good Luck”
The answer is:
Depends
JOE PA’S LIONS 24-21

Arizona at Stanford
I have a philosophical question that is unrelated to this game
If you can purchase a variety of “combination” items from the grocery store
Such as a combination “Mayo and Tuna” package, presumably because they go together.
Then why isn’t there a “Toilet paper and Ex-Lax” combination pack?
I’m just asking…
CARDINAL 34-17

Maryland at Miami
Last week the Hurricanes couldn’t generate enough wind to qualify as a popcorn fart…
That won’t happen this week…
HURRICANES 34-24

Illinois at Michigan
For those folks visiting Ann Arbor this weekend I want to provide a brief safety tip for you
Under NO circumstances should you ask Coach Rod’s wife Rita..
“What would you do for a Klondike Bar?”
If her answers were not horribly disgusting enough, she felt obligated to act them out…
Frankly what she did with that Sock Money was a crime…
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-31

Wisconsin at Purdue
Behold the Power of Processed Cheese by Products
BADGERS 34-13

Washington at Oregon
I had no idea The History Channel was going to have a three hour special on..
“The History of Macaroni Art” or I would watch this game….
QUACKERS 101-10

North Carolina State at Clemson
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
My Tiger family….
You must believe…
DABOS TIGERS 28-24

California at Washington State
The “announcers” for this PAC 10 game sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks
On helium…
I’m serious…
O’ so GOLDEN BEARS 131-0

Enjoy your games…..

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

College Football Picks Week 3

MEB — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 13:23:13 +0000

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Before we get into this week’s selections…..
I would like to “thanks” in no particular order:

The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
The Minnesota O’ so very Golden Gophers
Coach Drooley and the Tennessee Volunteers
Zippy the Akron Kangaroo and the entire football coaching staff at West Point….

For completely screwing up Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator’s weekly average
and sending your fans into fits of rage while dashing for the liquor cabinet.

I hope you’re happy….

But certainly this past week wasn’t all frustration and consternation….
The West Virginia Mountaineers….
Scored 15 points in the final two minutes of the game with Marshall
to win the “The Friends of Coal Bowl” and the Governors Cup.

The Mighty Air Force Falcons carpet bombed the Cougars of BYU…..

And Reggie Bush was forced to return the Heisman Trophy….
No need to thank me for that one folks…..
It’s how I roll……

Enjoy your picks…..

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a disappointing 61 and11 or 85% for the second week of the season.
That leaves us at 133 and 21 or 86% after only two weeks.
Like I said last week….
This is no time to panic; there is a lot of football to be played, so let’s get to the picks

THE PICKS

Thursday September 16th

Cincinnati at North Carolina State
I have a “gut feeling” about this game….
I just hope it’s not gas….
WOLFPACK 28-24

Concordia Selma at Carson Newman
I don’t know about Concordia, but I think I knew her brother Tommy…
That Tommy Selma was tougher than a pine knot….
Which of course has nothing what so ever to do with this pick….
SPARKS EAGLES 33-17

Friday September 17th

Kansas at Southern Miss
Call me crazy if you want too….
It’s nothing I haven’t already heard from mental health professionals
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

California at Nevada
Honestly I would watch this game…..
But the Animal Planet is having a “special” documentary on the Armadillo entitled
“The Armadillo: Natures little tank or possum on the half shell?”
GAYLORD THE BEAR 33-24

Saturday September 18th

Connecticut at Temple
This little known rivalry in the northeast is played for the coveted…
“Hoobastank Trophy”…
Not really, but it’s a fun word to say isn’t it?
HUSKIES 28-24

Muhlenberg at Susquehanna
Now I know what you are thinking….
Can the German girl take Susie after last week’s tussle with Juanita….
I believe she can, I heard she was a former East German shot putter
MULE GIRL 24-17

Northern Illinois at Illinois
The “Fighting Illini” continue their “brutal” out of conference schedule..
By beating the living hell out of junior colleges and technical schools within their own state.
PUMPKINS’ O’ FIGHTING 34-17

Maryland at West Virginia
I would have a lot more faith in the Fighting Terrapins if they had a really cool mascot…
Say like “The Turtle Man” as seen in the video below….
Before you ask…Yes, He is real….
But until Maryland hires him it’s time to light those couches…
MOUNTAINEERS 33-27

Click here to view the embedded video.

Arkansas at Georgia
This game features the “Hawgs and Dawgs”
Reminds me of my favorite German Ice Cream….
DAWGS 20-17

Ohio at Ohio State
Coach Frank’s Bobcats of Ohio will keep this one close…..
Right up until the time the Ohio State Marching Band….
Which of course is “The Best Damn Band in the Land”… “Dots the I”…..
Then it’s all…..
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 41-10

North Texas at Army

EDITORS COMMENTARY:
The Army coaching staff should be thankful we live in the “everybody’s a winner” society, were “trying hard” and “giving a good effort” is as important as winning.
Because if it were up to me; I would have fired everyone of their collective ass’s after last weeks game.
A blind chimpanzee with half a damn banana could motivate a team better than these dumbasses.
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 28-24

Iowa State at Kansas State
This rivalry is known as “Farmageddon”…..
(Yes I’m serious)
It’s like Armageddon, only these use combines and tractors…
WILDCATS 24-10

Georgia Tech at North Carolina
The question this week at the “Varsity”…
(Which is only home to the World’s Greatest Chili Dogs…. )
Can Tech bounce back from the Rambling Wreck in Lawrence Kansas?
No, not this week, is the appropriate answer…
TAR HEELS 24-21

Massachusetts at Michigan
Coach Rod and the Wolverines continue their “tough” out of conference schedule this week
But they had better not be looking ahead…
The Keebler Elves are coming to Ann Arbor next Saturday….
WOLVERINES 44-10

EDITORS NOTE: It has been brought to my attention that I have been “unduly harsh” in my treatment of Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”. So let me say this….
When reporting that Rita attended a “Maze and Blue” alumni fund raiser recently wearing nine inch clear plastic stripper shoes I didn’t mean to imply that she was dressed like an old worn out stripper.
I meant to say, the Maze and Blue fund raiser must have been located near the airport…
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding…

Ball State at Purdue
Didn’t David Letterman go to Ball State?
Yeah, that isn’t going to make any difference here…
BOILERMAKERS 31-17

Juniata at Ursinus
Juanita is still bruised up from her tussle last week with Susquehanna…
And I understand Ursinus has a urinary infection
So I have to go with…
J-LO 28-23

Kent State at Penn State
So the “Golden Flashes” are coming to Jo Pa’s House….
There are SO many things I could say here….
But out of respect for Jo Pa, I won’t….
NITTANY LIONS 38-14

Delta State at Valdosta State
I have always been a fan of the Blazers…
But I am a Fighting Okra man….
I like it fried, boiled and pickled….
But I’m not a big fan of Okra Winfrey
BLAZERS 33-28

Vanderbilt at Ole Miss
The Commodores will keep this one closer than you might think…
A lot closer…
REBELS 24-21

Jacksonville State at Georgia State
I wouldn’t bet against these Roosters if they were playing the Dallas Cowboys
GAMECOCKS 34-17

East Carolina at Virginia Tech
Maybe it’s just me…
But the Hokies don’t seem to have the same fire since they lost their Wangs
HOKIE POKEY 31-24

EDITORS NOTE: Of course I am talking about….
The loss of Ed Wang and his brother from the defensive front of the Hokies;
What did you think I was talking about?

Brigham Young at Florida State
The Cougars will encounter a strange new phenomena in Tallahassee this Saturday
which will be their demise in this game, it’s called…..“Humidity”
JIMBO’S NOLES 34-24

Colorado State at Miami (OH)
Although Miami of Ohio doesn’t have any palm trees….
It is known as the Cradle of Coaches…
That’s good enough for me…
REDHAWKS 23-17

Air Force at Oklahoma
I was very proud of the Falcons for upsetting the Cougars last week…
But I am afraid they are outmatched in this one…
BOOMER SOONERS 43-21

Southern California at Minnesota
The “Not so” Golden Gophers lost last week to a High School team from South Dakota…
Sooooooooooo……..
LAME CHEATERS 6-3

Florida at Tennessee
Not that it’s all that important here, but Peyton Manning never beat the Gators
I just thought it was worth mentioning….
MIGHTY GATORS 24-17

Arizona State at Wisconsin
The Devils of the Sun…..
Cannot stand up to the Power of Processed Cheese Whiz
BADGERS 28-24

Defiance at Hanover
I have a question…
What is “defiance” so angry about?
They should take a tip from Okra Winfrey….
They don’t have to be angry and defiant “all the time”
HANDY HANOVER 23-10

Washington State at Southern Methodist
Coach June’s Ponies will be ready to ride this Saturday in Big D….
Believe it…
And just for the record it’s still Ownby Stadium to me….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-17

North Carolina Central at Appalachian State
The Mountaineers came back from a four touchdown deficit against Chattanooga to win
Make no mistake…
The Mountaineers are for real…
MOUNTAINEERS 38-10

Hawaii at Colorado
The Warriors from the Land of Rainbow Bright…
Would fair a lot better in this game if they had Dog the Bounty Hunter on the sidelines…
BUFFALOS 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the A&E Network on Wednesday nights, check your local listings for times in your area.

Alabama at Duke
The Blue Devils will have a few tricks up their sleeves on Saturday…
But they are still going to get their asses kicked…
CRIMSON TIDE 38-17

Nebraska at Washington
The Huskies have a great history, with a great coaching staff and a fine young quarterback…
In fact I still love the great Coach James….
But the Huskers have the Black Shirts…
Sorry…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 24-17

Troy at UAB
The Men of Troy gave the Oklahoma State Cowboys all they could handle last week…
They are more than up to the task this week in this instate tussle…
MEN OF TROY 33-28

Central Michigan at Eastern Michigan
I have been corrected……
The term “Chippewa’s” does not refer to “Two Utes” in the Native American Language as I erroneously reported last week.
It actually means an ingrown hair. As in….
“If you shave too close you can get a Chippewa on your face”
Hope that cleared up any misunderstanding…
CHIPPEWAS’ 33-31

Southern Arkansas at North Alabama
I respect any team that calls themselves “The Mule Riders”
But this game is in Lion Country….
MIGHTY LIONS 34-20

Baylor at Texas Christian
The Bears might win this game…….
And Richard Simmons might be heterosexual…..
HORNED FROGS 34-17

Indiana at Western Kentucky
The most interesting thing about this game…….
Isn’t that the Big Ten is coming to Bowling Green…
It’s the fact nobody knows what the hell a Hoosier and a Hilltopper actually is…
HOOSIERS 24-17

Northwestern Oklahoma State at South Dakota
If the Boys from Dakota could knock off a Big Ten team last week….
Then should be able to handle this Tire Alignment Academy from Oklahoma
COYOTES 34-17

Louisville at Oregon State
Much like Ward Cleaver…..
I am all about the Beaver in this one…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: In an effort to keep this a “family friendly” column…
I want the readers to take note that I did not in any way reference either Rosie O’Donnell or Lindsay Lohan in the above pick.
No need to thank me…

Eastern Kentucky at Chattanooga
The Colonels aren’t over their thrashing last week by Coach Strong’s Cardinals
and the Boys from Choo Choo Town are primed and ready….
Also, Chattanooga is the home of the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum, Wall of Remembrance and Gift Shop…..
So there is that….
MIGHTY MOCS 33-24

Duquesne at Delaware
Little known fact….
If you say “Duquesne” after you drank a glass of Buttermilk…
Something gross will fly out of your mouth…
BLUE HENS 28-17

Georgia Southern at Coastal Carolina
I have no idea why the folks from Coastal Carolina….
Decided to name their team the “Chanticleers” ….
But I am pretty sure you need a shot of penicillin to clear it up…..
EAGLES 28-17

Portland State at Oregon
Unfortunately this game conflicts with the VH1 “Behind the Music” Special…..
The Music and Life of Screech from Saved by the Bell….
Set your recorders now….
QUACKERS 63-0

Akron at Kentucky
I have a philosophical question….
Since Akron is known as the “Zippers”…
Is it possible there is a team out there called the “Velcro’s”?
I’m just wondering…
WILDCATS 34-10

Navy at Louisiana Tech
Lately, the Bulldogs of Tech are playing more like the Taco Bell dog..
MIDSHIPMEN 28-21

Middle Tennessee State at Memphis
The Velvet Elvis’s better bring their best game…..
I believe the Blue Raiders are motivated…
BLUE RAIDERS 24-17

Northwestern at Rice
This game will feature some of the highest SAT scores in all of college football…
Yeah, it’s that exciting…
WILDCATS 34-17

Mississippi State at LSU
Nothing says “FIGHT” quite like a game between the “Cats and the Dogs”
This one belongs to Mike….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-17

Marshall at Bowling Green
Last week Doc Holiday and the Thundering Herd…
Were two minutes away from beating the Mountaineers of West Virginia….
They won’t need those two minutes this week…
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-17

Tulsa at Oklahoma State
I don’t want to think about the “Prairie Wind” touching a Golden Hurricane..
It makes me feel icky…
COWBOY UP! 38-17

Florida International at Texas A&M
I don’t know how “International” the boys from Florida are…..
Unless their school is close to Epcot Center, then I guess that counts for something…
Right?
GIG EM AGGIES 43-10

Central Florida at Buffalo
I know, I know…..
It seems like every time I pick the boys from Disney they lose…
The curse is broken this weekend…
Or I am burning down “It’s a Small World”…..
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 33-28

EDITORS NOTE: If that song is stuck in your head, I apologize….
It hurts me too….

Toledo at Western Michigan
The Rockets don’t have enough fire to be called roman candles, much less rockets…
BRONCOS 28-10

Clemson at Auburn
I wish I had better news for my adopted Clemson family….
But I don’t….
WAR DAMN EAGLE 24-17

Presbyterian at Citadel
I just hope the moral fiber of the cadets from the Military College of South Carolina isn’t tainted by the arrival of bus loads of Blue Ho’s coming to campus.
BULLDOGS 28-17

Furman at South Carolina
If Chewbacca made enough money to have his own college…
Then why call it Furry man? Why not just call it Chewbacca U?
Never mind…
GAMECOCKS 38-10

San Diego State at Missouri
There is a very good reason why the Aztec’s disappeared from civilization…
They played with Tigers….
MO’S TIGERS 44-10

Montana at Eastern Washington
The Grizzles are on a mission after losing in the finals last year…..
Believe it….
GRIZZ 33-10

Maine at Syracuse
If this was a “Who has the ugliest Cheerleaders” contest…
Then it would be one heck of a contest….
OTTO’S ORANGES 17-14

Boise State at Wyoming
Bronco fans should be really encouraged in this game….
I don’t think the Cowboys have beaten Virginia Tech (yet)
Which is nice…
BRONCO’S 43-10

Fresno State at Utah State
Some people think that midgets jousting on burros is cruel and degrading…
I personally think it screams “Pay-Per-View”….
Not that it matters here…
DAWGS 33-31

Utah at New Mexico
I don’t know about you….
But a contest between Utes and Lobos sounds like a Disney cartoon movie to me…
TWO UTES 43-10

Notre Dame at Michigan State
I don’t know what is more disturbing…..
The midget from Notre Dame dressed like a leprechaun….
or their obsession with Golden Gnomes…..
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 27-24

Texas at Texas Tech
I have but one thing to say here….
“Welcome to Texas Tommy….I hope you enjoy your Longhorn ass whipping”
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-24

New Mexico State at UTEP
It just occurred to me…..
“UTEP” is an acronym for a Ute that has to go the bathroom….
AGGIES 23-21

Iowa at Arizona
Remember you heard it here first….
The Eyes of the Hawk will not be stopped…..
Until their meeting in November with the Mighty Buckeyes of Ohio State….
Then it’s anybody’s ball game…
HAWKS EYES 28-17

Houston at UCLA
Despite some key injuries last week, the Cougars are still dangerous…
As in really dangerous…
COUGARS 38-28

Wake Forest at Stanford
This game would be a lot more entertaining for me….
If Jimmy Swaggart was the Demon Deacon mascot….
And after getting all liquored up and having a crying jag at halftime he peed on the Stanford tree mascot.
Now that’s what I call entertainment.

Enjoy your games

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Thanksgiving Picks

MEB — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 10:55:57 +0000

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Today is Thanksgiving….
To most people that means three things….
Family, food and football….
And not necessarily in that order…

We have a cornucopia of rivalries this weekend……
Overflowing with hate and discontent…..
Ah, Good Times…

I can hardly wait to dig in, but before we do
Let’s be thankful for what we have and not grumble about what we don’t have….

For example, I am thankful last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…..
was a rather “average” 41 and 11 or 79%, leaving me at 533 and 147 or 78% for the season.
(Noticed how I weaved the weekly statistics in so inconspicuously…..)

All things considered, we all have it pretty damn good

Happy Thanksgiving to you all

Enjoy your games!

Thursday November 26th

Texas at Texas A&M
The Lone Star Showdown
I remember the cheap shots on Colt McCoy…….
and the “down horns” signs by the Aggie players a couple of years ago…..
the bad news…..
The Longhorns remember it too….
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 43-17

Tuskegee at Alabama State
The “Turkey Day Classic” as it is known, has been played since 1901.
Which coincidently is the same year Coach Bobby was born….
GOLDEN TIGERS 24-21

Friday November 27th

Nevada at Boise State
This isn’t a rivalry game…..
It’s just and Old Fashioned Boise State ass whipping
BRONCOS 38-23

Illinois at Cincinnati
Some people are calling for a Fighting Pumpkin “Upset”
I don’t happen to be one of “those” people
BEARKATS 33-17

Rutgers at Louisville
After the Scarlet Knights lost last week to (of all teams…)
Syracuse…
The Jersey Campus was reported to have smelled like old pancakes and shame…
But then they realized they lived in New Jersey, which explained the smell.
SCARLET KNIGHTS 24-17

Toledo at Bowling Green
This is the Battle of I-75 for the coveted “Peace Pipe”
The trophy alone tells you this isn’t a fierce rivalry.
If it was a serious rivalry, the word “peace” wouldn’t be in the equation.
FALCONS 24-20

Pittsburg at West Virginia
The Backyard Brawl
The name says it all…..
Two neighbors battle it out on a chilly night in Morgantown
Light those couches…
MOUNTAINEERS 24-21

Northern Illinois at Central Michigan
This game isn’t a rivalry and it isn’t a backyard brawl…
It’s about Chippewa’s riding the Huskies like midgets in a rodeo
Sorry for the visual….
That disturbed me a little bit too..
CHIPPEWA’S 34-13

Wyoming at Colorado State
This rivalry is known as “The Border War” and it is played each year for
“The Bronze Boot”….
The rams get the boot this year, but not where they thought they were going to get it..
COWBOY UP! 28-17

Temple at Ohio
The Bobcats are playing well, but the Owls are inspired…
HOOT OWLS 33-21

Buffalo at Kent State
It’s Thanksgiving for Goodness sake….
Who wants to think about the “Golden Flashes” this time of the year?
Makes you think about Grandma getting in the dinner wine and flashing the guests
NO BULL 38-10

Nebraska at Colorado
The Children of the Corn haven’t forgotten……..
About the pasting the Buffalos gave them a few years ago…..
in fact they are still down right sore about it.
That isn’t good news for Ralphie
CORNHUSKERS 31-17

Memphis at Tulsa
I would care about this game…..
But the Iron Bowl is getting ready to come on.
Sorry…
HURRICANES OF GOLDEN 24-20

Alabama at Auburn
The Iron Bowl
The name says it all….
CRIMSON TIDE 24-14

Saturday November 20th

Florida State at Florida
This is the Sunshine State Showdown
It is played for the Governors Cup
The Tallahassee paper has reported this week…
Coach Bobby is “ready” for the game….
What they “meant” to say was ….
Coach Bobby is “ready” to go to the bathroom without assistance…
Not that this story has anything to do with Thanksgiving…
But it is the season of “sharing”, so I felt obligated to share.
MIGHTY GATORS 34-17

Virginia Tech at Virginia
In Virginia nothing is as important as the “Commonwealth Cup”
Which by my estimation……
Will stay in Blacksburg until Hell freezes over.
MIGHTY HOKIES 33-17

Miami (FL) at South Florida
Unless you have seen an actual Hurricane….
Loose in your house you cannot discount their power or destruction.
In case you were wondering, “yes”…..
I am referring to the Thanksgiving when my sister-in-law visited two years ago.
The Damage is as yet to be fully assessed.
HURRICANES 33-14

Oklahoma State at Oklahoma
The Bedlam Game for the Bedlam Bell
There is nothing more important today in the Great State of Oklahoma…
Not Births, not deaths, not bar mitzvahs, not anything.
This is it….
COWBOY UP! 31-17

Carson Newman at North Alabama
The quarter finals of the Division II College Football Playoffs
These teams played each other earlier in the season, with the Lions winning.
Different day, same result….
MIGHTY LIONS ROAR 34-31

Missouri at Kansas
This game is called the Border War….
It’s played for the “Indian War Drum” and the Lamar Hunt Trophy
Some still call this a “Civil War”, but make no mistake…
There is nothing “Civil” about this rivalry
MO’S TIGERS 38-14

Georgia at Georgia Tech
Sure, this game is for the “Governors Cup”
But this rivalry is known as “Clean Old Fashioned Hated”
That my friends, sums it up nicely….
YELLOW JACKETS 31-28

Clemson at South Carolina
The game is called the “Battle of the Palmetto State”
Coach Sweeny is an Alabama man….
And that’s good enough for me…
DABO’S TIGER 33-17

Grambling State at Southern University
The Bayou Classic
Have I mentioned lately that I’m a Coach Rob guy?
I have?
Good, I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page
ROB’S TIGERS 38-17

Rice at Houston
The Battle for the Bayou Bucket
My favorite pudding gets whipped in H-Town…
Believe it…
COUGARS 43-14

Arizona at Arizona State
This instate rivalry is affectionately known as the “Duel in the Desert”
And it’s played for the “Territorial Cup”
Which I think resembles a bucket of sand….
WILDCATS 24-21

Tennessee at Kentucky
This game has always been known as “The Battle for the Beer Barrel”
And the keg goes to…..
WILDCAT BLUE 33-24

Boston College at Maryland
This game promises chills and thrills…
Who am I kidding nobody is going to watch this damn game…
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 24-17

Wake Forest at Duke
Demon Deacons and Blue Devils….
Kind of sounds like Jimmy Swaggart holding his breath…..
DEMON DEACONS 28-24

North Carolina at North Carolina State
The Battle for Tobacco Road…..
The Heels have a tough defense and State has an amazing engineering department
Yeah, this one shouldn’t be too tough….
TAR OF HEELS 33-13

Texas Tech at Baylor
I doubted the power of the Red Raider’s last week…
I thank everyone in the Red Raider nation for pointing my error out….
I should have known better…
Lubbock is the Home of Buddy Holley…
Enough said, Peggy Sue
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 43-21

Washington State at Washington
This instate rivalry game is played for the “Apple Cup”
Please note…..
If your “rivalry” game has a flower, a fruit or any members of the “Village People”
In the name, then it doesn’t count as a “real” rivalry, sorry.
I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.
HUSKIES 17-10

Ole Miss at Mississippi State
The Egg Bowl….
Few rivalries outside the Iron Bowl are bitterer than this contest….
I can feel the heads of Mississippians nodding everywhere….
I wish I had better news Bulldog Jim….
REBELS 33-17

Syracuse at Connecticut
Not that I care because I don’t…….
But I have obligations too….
HUSKIES 24-21

New Mexico at Texas Christian
I can’t say that I have actually seen a horned amphibian ride a Lobo…
Not even on the Animal Planet….
But rules like records are meant to be broken…
(My personal motto….)
HORNED FROGS 43-10

Southern Miss at East Carolina
I have gotten back in good graces with my Hattiesburg faithful…
So I don’t intend on taking a step backwards at this point….
Let’s face it….
Few things in life are as good as Mississippi BBQ….
A man has to have his priorities….
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-17

Central Florida at UAB
What the hell is a “Blazer” anyway?
Something on sale from the Men’s Warehouse?
That’s a stupid mascot….
Everybody Run! Here comes a Sport Coat!
I don’t get it…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 38-17

Tulane at Southern Methodist
My Proud Ponies are a “win” a way from going to a Bowl game…
They won’t disappoint me….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-23

Marshall at Texas El Paso
Three simple words here….
WE ARE MARSHALL 31-24

Utah at Brigham Young
This is the “Holy War” for the “Beehive Boot”
I can’t say I have ever put my foot in a boot full of bees….
But I saw this dumbass in Michigan once…
Never mind those people from Michigan have suffered enough…
TWO UTES 33-31

Utah State at Idaho
This game is being played at the home of the Vandals….
I respect people whose mascot looks like a foam rubber Genghis Khan…
THE MIGHTY KHANS 38-17

Arkansas at LSU
The Battle for the four foot tall “Golden Boot”
The past two years it has resided in Fayetteville….
There won’t be a change of address left at the Post Office this year….
RAZORBACKS 34-24

Notre Dame at Stanford
The winner of this game wins the “Legends Trophy”
I am assuming by the title it has Knute Rockne’s skull atop the trophy…
Which is creepy…
CARDINAL 34-31

New Mexico State at San Jose State
I would watch this game but the Animal Planet has a “Thanksgiving” Special
On the dental hygiene of the platypus
Don’t laugh….
It will be a hell of a lot more entertaining than this game…
JOSE CUERVO 34-10

UCLA at Southern California
The Battle in the City of Botox Angels for the “Victory Bell”
Gosh, I would care, but I have to do my laundry, sorry….
BRUINS 33-31

Navy at Hawaii
This game reminds me….
I want to wish a Happy Thanksgiving to “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
I love those guys…
MIDSHIPMEN 34-17

I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving….
And a great weekend of college football….

Stay tuned…
There is more to come..

RTR
MEB

Trick or Treat rewind…

MEB — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 19:42:17 +0000

Ladies and Gentlemen –

I ask you….
Who got treats and who got tricked this weekend?

The Homers of Indiana certainly got “tricked” into believing a two touchdown lead was enough to beat the Iowa Hawkeyes.

And the South Carolina Gamecocks had more than enough “Butterfingers” to start the game in Knoxville, which counted as a tasty “treat” for the Volunteers.

But perhaps the best treat of all was watching the Trojans get the hell quacked of them.

Let’s take a look back at the Halloween games and answer a few of your emails….

Don’t be afraid, there’s nothing to be scared of…

TEAM NEWS

PENN STATE: In an effort to eliminate any reference to a “cross”, the “six” students that protested the recent student T-shirt promoting the Lion football team, will ceremoniously burn all Christopher Cross records on the Happy Valley campus.

TENNESSEE: I had a feeling the Volunteers were going to have a “uniform” change…
My Gay-Dar was going off before kickoff…

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously, the black jerseys look stupid, just so you know.

GEORGIA: See “Tennessee” above and substitute “Helmets” for jerseys.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

OREGON STATE: Beaver Jim, I finally got one right…..

ILLINOIS: What was I thinking going against the “Fighting Pumpkins” on Halloween?

NORTH ALABAMA: The Lions of Florence are for real this year….
Is another National Championship in their future? I sure hope so…

VIRGINIA TECH: It’s getting close to Thanksgiving..
So you Turkeys better get it together or you your season is going to be cooked.

AUBURN: Didn’t I tell you the Tigers would beat Ole Miss? Who loves you?

WEST VIRGINIA: Come on Mountaineers, there are people in Morgantown with couches that need to be burned.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! You got quacked!

TEXAS: I don’t think the “Prairie Wind” touched any of the Mighty Longhorns on Saturday Night.
The questions, can anybody else touch them before the Big 12 Championship game?

EDITORS NOTE: The above was in no way a reference to MC Hammer, so you can’t touch this..

OREGON: Quack Attack, indeed. Congratulations.

LSU: For my Mighty Tiger fans in honor of Halloween….

Click here to view the embedded video.

CHATTANOOGA: Nice win Moccasins, very nice win.

MICHIGAN: It was erroneously reported that Coach Rod’s wife was dressed as a “witch” on Halloween
for the wolverine game with Illinois. This is incorrect and hurtful.
She was dressed as herself, she just looks and acts like a witch, there’s a difference.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: I guess the Bulldogs did tree the Cats, sorry I doubted you Bully.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Pete, you want a quacker? HAAAAAAAAAA!

NCAA: Now that your media sweethearts won’t be eligible for the National Championship…
You think we might find out what the status is on that big “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

EMAIL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: Dear sir
I have been really angered by the obviously biased calls for the best coach that ever lived, Bobby Bowden, to retire.
I watched the entire GREAT triumph over NC State today and I am certain that Coach Bowden acts like a coach better than anyone around.
Did you see him waive his hands and point? Just like a normal coach would do.
Did you see him get excited and break into a little bit of a geezer trot when he was trying to get Damotok’s attention?
Joe Pa’s not even that fast.
Now I will give you the fact that he did look a little disoriented when he walked out on the field for the post game handshake but, hey, he knew he was supposed to do something when the final gun sounded!! So, leave my Coach alone all you naysayers!
Solomon in Sopchopee

A: Bobby is so old he remembers when being “disoriented” meant you got lost in Tokyo.

Q: Dear Sir,
There’s been all kind of stories going around but one has left me scratching my head.
Is it true that my beloved Dawgs had a couple of drives stall yesterday because our quarterback, Joe Cox, has a revoked license?
Just wondering
Lemuel in Ludowici

A: The Cocktail Party’s over Lemuel, back away from the alcohol.

Q: Dear Sir,
I just want to let you know that my Georgia State Panthers kick off their inaugural season next year!!! Our head coach, Bill Curry, is cooking up something extra special cause our first game is against those Alabama Crimson Tide boys!!!
I’m looking for a big win there and maybe an undefeated season!!
Then its National Championship time!!!
Only 309 days til kickoff!
Albert in Alpharetta

A: Does the term “Beat Down of a Lifetime” mean anything to you Albert?

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
This week while we’ve been practicing I’ve been seeing all these pictures all over the place. In the locker room, in the weight room, heck, even in the bathroom stalls there are pictures of Florida beating us, pictures of the scoreboard of the 49-10 beat down we took, and even Urban Myers calling timeout. So, I’ve just got this to say.
I’m convinced. In fact I’m so convinced that I’ve called Gainesville and talked to them about transferring. Heck, Tebow leaves this year and they’ll need a new quarterback next year. Do you think that I’ve got any eligibility left if I leave now?
Thanks
Joe Cox

A: It’s over Joe, just let it go…..

Q: Mike, I hate to ask…
But what costume did Hootie Snitch wear on Halloween this year?
Chip – Pensacola, Florida

A: I didn’t see it Chip….
But I was told it looked like a unicorn wearing a gimp mask….
Sorry for the visual.

Q: As commissioner of the Southeastern Conference, I would appreciate if you would publish this letter on your popular website:
To all,
I would just like to thank you for making this one of the most exciting football seasons in recent Florida Gator history. We here at the SEC, in an attempt to maintain our superiority over other conferences in the country, would just like to fill you in on our exciting new policy. Our intent is to make sure we have a premier team represent the SEC, and YOU the fan, in the Championship game every year. What with Tim Tebow being the media darling that he is, we felt it necessary to give him an appropriate show of love for his Senior season. With that being said, please stop raising such a fuss on the questionable calls made by our officiating crews during games with Florida. It’s all a grand plan from which every deserving SEC school will receive their shot at a National Championship. Our plan is to get Alabama to the table next year, and if their offense continues to improve, we’ll get LSU back in 2011. Afterward, we’ll look at the remaining schools who have not represented our fair conference in the National Championship game for future consideration. Well, all but Georgia, Vandy, and Mississippi State. They’re going nowhere fast.
Best wishes,
Mike Slive
Commissioner
Southeastern Conference
P.S. Tell Lane Kiffin that he’d better keep his mouth shut or the only post season bowl they’ll be playing in is the Igloo Bowl in Anchorage Alaska. And we’ll put it on Pay Per View

A: Ouch…..

Q: Mr Wizard,
I’m really pumped about my Tennessee Volunteers football team this year. We have had a great season so far. We almost beat Florida a couple of weeks ago.
We REEEEEEEEEEEEEEAlly almost beat Alabama last week.
We beat South Carolina and that smartass Coach Genius and I’m very, very excited.
But with the way our team is playing I feel real good about our chances.
Mr. Wizard how bad do you think we might almost beat the rest of the teams on our schedule this year?
Go Vols!!!
Minday in Memphis

A: I think you will “almost” win the remainder of your games this year…

Q: Dear Sir,
Hey there Mr Smarty Pants. All you Bamer folks thought you pulled a fast one on me when you THOUGHT you cut off the sound to my headset on Saturday. Shows how smart ya’ll are. I was listening to the entire compilation of the Barney the Dinosaur tunes on my cassett deck I had stuffed in my pocket. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
My daddy was the only one you messed up and he only coaches the defense, and that’s really not that important.
So keep trying CHEATERS!!
Like I said after the game, we’re gonna beat you next year!!!
Or the year after. Or the year after that.
I love you, you love me!!
We’ll beat you in 2023!!!
Go Vols!!!
Lane Kiffin

A: See you in OBknoxville next year Jackass….

Have a great week folks….
Your Week 10 Picks will be out later in the week..
So stay tuned..

RTR
MEB

Labor Day Weekend Rewind

MEB — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 15:21:49 +0000

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Our wait has been rewarded….
No, I am not talking about Michael Jackson finally being buried….

Week One of the 2009 College Football Season is behind us….
So let’s take a quick look back at some of the games that took place over the Labor Day Weekend
and answer a few Email Questions and Answers.

Forgive me for a moment…
Before we look back at our weekend college football games I need to make a few apologizes……

WEEKEND CORRECTIONS: In no particular order…..

ARMY BLACK KNIGHTS: Who knew you could actually beat a school that didn’t have “culinary” in their school name?

IDAHO VANDELS: I have never met a potato I didn’t like…..
So what was I thinking?

NORTH ALABAMA LIONS: Shame on me for doubting the Mighty Lions…
It won’t happen again…..

LABOR DAY WEEKEND REWIND

ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAMEDAY:
It was great to see Coach Lee Corso back on College Gameday.
It wouldn’t have been the same without you Coach…
Welcome Back…..

ABC/ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL MUSIC INTRO:
This past weekend and presumably for the entire college football season, viewers will be forced to listen to Kenny Chesney’s nasally voice open the televised game of the week with a “song” that has nothing to do with the contest at hand.

EDITORS NOTE: It’s like this….
If I want to hear a gay guy in a cowboy hat sing…
I would prefer to listen to Elton John singing “Saturday Nights Alright for Fighting”.
At least that’s more appropriate for a college football game.

IOWA: You Hawkeyes got by the Panthers by the hair of your Chinny Chin Chin

EDITORS NOTE: The above comment….
Was not intended in any way as a reference to the San Francisco phone book….

MISSOURI: I love the Three Stooges, so I should have known better…
Sorry I doubted you MO….
Great win Tigers….

WILLIAM & MARY: I don’t know what Bill and Mary were drinking this weekend, but I do know they kicked Virginia’s butt.

THE NAVAL ACADEMY: These Midshipmen are tougher than my sister-in-law’s pot roast. And that is really saying something…

EDITORS NOTE: And as side note….
If you haven’t seen the Midshipmen play football…
Let me say this….
You don’t know what you are missing….
Midshipmen Ricky Dobbs is one of the finest college football players I have ever seen.

PENN STATE: Good to see you back on the sidelines Joe Pa…..
We missed you…

ASSUMPTION: After this past weekend….
I think we can “assume” you know how to whip some Worchester Sauces ass…

OKLAHOMA: You didn’t believe my picks this week did you?
Especially that one Sooner fan that wrote me from Kansas City….
What did I tell you?
“Don’t count the Cougars out of this one…”Enough said…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I love how the National Sports media makes San Jose State sound like the New England Patriots…

MIAMI HURRICANES: One down….three tough games in a row, to go…

COLONIAL ATHLETIC CONFERENCE: In case you weren’t keeping score…
Colonial Athletic Conference “2” – Atlantic Coast Conference “0”

OREGON: By now we have all seen the meltdown by Duck running back LeGarrette Blount after the Boise State game last Thursday night.

In case you didn’t know, he was the Oregon player that said weeks leading up to the Boise State game..
“We are going to give them (Boise State) an ass whipping”

He is the very same player that was “suspended indefinitely” earlier in the year for violating team rules.

He was being promoted by the Ducks as a Heisman Trophy candidate…..

And as you may also know….
Following the “incident” after the game….
The University of Duck “suspended” him for the season, but allowed him to stay on scholarship and practice with the football team.

National Sports Media’s Reaction……

Former Michigan Great Desmond Howard stated on ESPN’s College Gameday…
“The Boise State player had to have said something to provoke Blount.”
Howard went on to state….
“There is never any reason to taunt another player”, referring to the alleged taunt by the Boise State player that set Blount on his way to a full fledge national televised meltdown.

EDITORS NOTE: Really Desmond?
So what were you doing when you struck the Heisman pose in the Ohio State game?
Taunting or just bragging?

My Take….
Blount is a thug and a coward.
I don’t care what the Boise State player said to him…
When you run your mouth before the game, you have to take it after the game.

Although it is nice to know the University of Quack rewards bad behavior, or perhaps they are preparing him for a career in the NBA, but there is no rational reason to keep him on scholarship or on the football team.
Enough said…

SIDELINE REPORTERS: Holly Rowe is the best sideline reporter in the Business.
Period…..
And as a side note: The people that write ugly things about her weight in blogs should be ashamed of themselves.
It just goes to show you how ugly some people can act…..

ESPN PART II: Just a reminder for College Football Commentator Mark Jones…..
This is College Football, not the Snoop Diggity Dog Show….
So drop the ear ring while you are on television jackass…

MICHIGAN: This past week a number of current and former wolverine players have stated that Coach Rich Rod routinely violates NCAA rules related to the time student athletes can spend on football related activities.

I found the National Sports Media’s reaction to this story interesting….

National Sports Media’s Reaction……

MARK MAY of ESPN: “Listen people; everybody does it, this isn’t a big deal”

JOHN SAUNDERS of ABC: “It sounds like some disgruntled student athletes to me, because everybody in college football does it.”

My Take……
So is that how it is when something happens north of the Ohio River?
“Everybody does it”
Meanwhile, the NCAA is trying to price the cost of “Live Bait” for three Crimson Tide players to repay the cost of a fishing trip and calling it “entertainment”.
But still not a word on the “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans….
We see how it is….
NCAA rules only apply to the Universities in the South……

ABC COLLEGE FOOTBALL: What in the Holy name of Darrell Royal is Bob Griese doing commentating on a college football game?
He not only doesn’t know anything, he doesn’t even suspect anything either.

CONGRATULATIONS…..
Congratulations to former Ohio State Buckeye Great Chris Spielman for being selected for induction into the College Football Hall of Fame.
He has always been a Class act on and off the field, this award is richly deserved.
And as a side note….
I hope Chris’s beautiful bride, Miss Stefanie starts feeling better real soon.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICKS WEEK ONE “UPSET SPECIAL”……In case you didn’t notice…
Not only did your favorite college football prognosticator pick Baylor over Wake Forest last week in the “Upset Special” but hit the score right on the money as well.
No need to thank me…..
It’s what I do..

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
I have a question that I hope you can answer.
I enjoy reading your articles and I really like the new website, but each time I read one of your articles, I see you writing your article while riding a unicorn through clouds that look a lot like cotton candy.
Is this normal?
Jack McCracken – Cincinnati, Ohio

A: I don’t know which is more disturbing…
The email or your name…

Q: Mike, what is the deal with all these short receivers in the Southeastern Conference?
The running backs aren’t much bigger either, so is this some kind of a trend?
Ted – Fredericksburg, Virginia

A: Ted, it doesn’t matter if you are two inches taller than an Umpa Lumpa, as long as you are faster than a speeding bullet.

Q: Dear Sir,
I am a fan of Oregon and have the following question.
Our star running back LeGarette Blount, AKA Run El Gee Bee, has been suspended for the season. I think this punishment was way too severe considering the guy he allegedly punched was able to walk away afterward.
Also, those Boise State fans were taunting this poor young man……
How could you expect him to behave himself in such a hostile environment?
With this in mind, what are the chances that Oregon could maybe redshirt this fine upstanding young man so that he could come back and play next year?
Chip – Eugene, Oregon

A: What are the chances of reinstating him?
I would say the chances are Slim and None and Slim has left town…

Q: Hey Mister Damn Knows it all!
We is on our way to the National Championship, so how you a liking them apples?
The Tennessee Vols done went an beat one whole side of Kentucky last week!
I believe it was the whole western part of the state!
I ain’t sure if that includes Lousiville, but I am pretty sure it includes Paducah.
Imagine what we a going to do the rest of the year!
Go Vols!
Scooter Cooter – Twisted Branch, Tennessee

A: Tennessee Fans should really look into getting “Spell Check”….

Q: Mike now that your website is getting more and more popular…
Have you been approached by any advertisers?
We love the website by the way!
Barbara – Ardmore, Oklahoma

A: Thank you Barbara for the kind words…
As you know the economy is in a tight spot…..
So advertising is hard to come by these days….
However I have been approached by Yoder’s Meat and Cheese Company….

Nothing says goodness….
Like canned Amish Meat and Cheese…
It’s fun for the whole family…

http://www.yodersmeatshoppe.com/prime-meat.php

Stop laughing I am serious…

Your picks will be out later in the week…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB