My friends and fellow college football enthusiasts….
I hope you all enjoyed the first segment of the Preseason College Football Extravaganza.

As promised I have the second of three installments of the Preseason Extravaganza Edition for your viewing pleasure and there should be something on the wire each day this week, right up until kickoff, to include your Week One Picks.

Buckle those chin strap tight, this season is going to be a slobber knocker.

Enjoy……

Before we discuss this seasons “Contenders and Pretenders”
Let’s catch up on College Football Team News from around the country.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS

OREGON STATE: Recently a 19 year old naked beaver was found trespassing in a neighborhood in Corvallis Oregon. The naked beaver then proceeded to line up in a three point stance and attack local law enforcement officials who had confronted the naked trespassing beaver.
The law enforcement personnel were forced to subdue the naked beaver utilizing a TASER.

I also understand that an Oregon State football player got in trouble around the same time

FLORIDA STATE: Seminole coaching legend Bobby Bowden said this week that “he thought he had a lifetime contract” to coach football at Florida State. Of course Coach Bobby also thinks Calvin Coolidge is still President of the United States too.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Recently the Trojans were forced to apologize to the respective universities of Florida, Alabama, Washington, Oregon and Fresno State for accusing them of breaking NCAA rules by contacting one or more of the Trojan players without Southern California’s permission.

EDITORS NOTE: What is really funny about this incident is this:
While then Trojan Athletic Director Mike “I don’t see nothing” Garrett was slinging mud at other college football programs, Coach Lane Kiffin was violating NFL protocol by trying to steal coaches from other NFL teams without consulting the coaching staff or the management of the teams.
Specifically the Tennessee Titans are suing Lane Kiffin for taking at least one coach from the team without consulting either the coach of the Titans or the management of the team.

Funny, don’t you think?

TENNESSEE: When Phil Fulmer was at the University of Tennessee his name and the term “discipline” went together like Chinese food and peanut butter.

Athletic Director Mike Hamilton promised things would be different…..

Coach Dooley promised to “set the bar high” when it came to personally responsibility for players and coaches alike.

The Headlines around the state read….

“Vols Coach Derek Dooley to set bar with discipline”

The Nashville Tennessean

“Darren Myles was drunk, combative and removed from club”

The Knoxville News Sentinel

“Tennessee’s Phil Fulmer and Derek Dooley enjoy good relations”

The Nashville Tennessean

“Tennessee Vols dismiss Darren Myles after bar fight”

The Nashville Tennessean

“More players could face charges after bar fight”

The Nashville Tennessean

“Tennessee Vols officials look into VIP status for players at bar”

The Nashville Tennessean

“Vols Athletic Director Mike Hamilton “hurt” over disciple issues at Tennessee”

The Knoxville News Sentinel

“Tennessee Vols Derek Dooley sees setback in quest to change culture”

The Nashville Tennessean

What was the end result?
Nothing…Nothing at all, everyone is back on the team…..
Like nothing ever happened. Just like the days of Fat Phil.

For all the rhetoric and promises and “new” era speeches by the athletic director and head coach it is still alright for players at the University of Tennessee to break curfew, get drunk in bars, fight patrons and assault police officers, without any repercussions.
And you wonder why they are still called U-Thug?

NEBRASKA: You joined the Big Ten or Eleven; because it can’t be the Big 12 you just ditched that conference, for what? What is going to happen to the traditional games with Oklahoma and Colorado? Is it about money? Is that all it takes to ditch tradition?

COLORADO: So the Buffalos decided to join the “Pacific Athletic Conference”, which is better known as the PAC 10 or eleven…whatever.
Here is a little hint for the folks from Boulder Colorado…..
Look out your window….
Do you see an “Ocean”? Are you near an “Ocean”?
Then why did you join the “Pacific” Athletic Conference?

MARSHALL: The Thundering Herd has the best Head Coach’s name in the country:
Coach Doc Holiday, now if they only had an Earp on the team….

NORTH CAROLINA: Due to the rash of recent suspensions for academic improprieties with “nanny” the tutor, the Tar Heels will only be able to field a limited number of players for the games this year.
By “limited” number I mean eight players. Two of which I understand are midgets.

GEORGIA: I have been gentle with my Bulldog Nation in the past and I love Coach Mark and his family.
But if you don’t get a grip on the discipline issues in Athens then the Bulldogs won’t be fielding as many players as the North Carolina Tar Heels this year.

TEXAS TECH: As many times as Tommy Tuberville has put his foot in his mouth you would think he would have gotten used to the taste by now.

EDITORS NOTE: For the Red Raider faithful I have one question…
Are you missing Coach Leach yet?

KANSAS: Everyone loves the college football media guides….

The media guides the universities produce each year for the football teams “normally” has the mascot, coach or key senior players on the cover of the guide.

Typically is has a motivating message on the cover…..
I think the Kansas Jayhawks are sending the “wrong” message with theirs…

NCAA: I will address the recent witch hunts conducted by the NCAA at another time…
But in the meantime I would like to raise an interesting question…
Why does the NCAA feel free to sell the images of college football athletes for millions of dollars to video game companies, without any compensation to the athletes?

They allow the official usage of the University logo’s as well, with no compensation to the universities. Millions of dollars….each year…..

How does this fit into the whole NCAA “amateurism” dogma?

How do they justify this?

It’s a good question, isn’t it?

OLE MISS: On the topic of the NCAA…..
Let me be sure I get this right…..
So, if a player decides he doesn’t want to play for his Division I university and he wants to transfer to “another” Division I school, he must set out a year. Now, if the individual in question decides he wants to transfer to a lower Division University or College then he can play immediately.

So the “former” Oregon quarterback, who was kicked off the team last year because he was a criminal, doesn’t have to set out a year and can play right away for Houston Nutt.

The NCAA said it was O.k. because they called it a “hardship” transfer.

Being a criminal is a “hardship”?

VIRGINIA TECH: I don’t know how the Hokies are going to perform without their Wang’s this year, but I have on good authority the defense will be as strong as ever.

EDITORS NOTE: I am talking about Ed Wang and his brother, so stop laughing.

TEXAS: No one is talking about the Mighty Longhorns this year…
Don’t worry they will be before October….

NOTRE DAME: Recently Coach Kelly of the “Fighting Irish” had a meeting with NBC officials televising the Irish games to ensure that commercial breaks will be held according to the “tempo” of the Notre Dame offense.

What?

A college football “Coach, is negotiating with a network “when” commercials will be shown, during a game?

If a “coach” in the Southeastern Conference would have done the same thing as Coach Kelly, the NCAA would have had every investigator on their rolls racing down South.

And you all know it too….

BOISE STATE: Listen closely Bronco Fans….
I know you beat the PAC 10 Champion Last year, because I accurately predicted it
(No need to thank me)
But if you want to be taken seriously as a college football power then you have to play some “real” powerhouses “during” the season.

By that I mean…..
The Ohio State Buckeyes….
The Oklahoma Sooners…
The University of Texas….

Nebraska…
Alabama…
LSU…
Florida…
Miami…
Auburn…

Take your pick and play them…
Then we will believe…

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: The Horned Frogs are better than they were last year….
And that is scary…

HOUSTON: If you have to play the Cougars this year….
You will have a problem. They are good, real good.

TEXAS A&M: You will always be my favorite Agro-Americans.

SOUTHERN MISS: The Golden Eagles are better than ever….
Will they win the Conference USA title?
You will have to wait for Part III of the Preseason Extravaganza to find out…

FLORIDA: I have heard a lot of Pro Football Hall of Fame acceptance speeches in my time….But I have never (ever) heard a player not mention the college he attended.

So what’s the problem with Emmitt Smith?

I doubt without the University of Florida he wouldn’t have had the career he had.
Yet he never mentioned the Gator Nation, his teammates or his coaches….

So what’s the problem with Emmitt Smith?

PREGAME SPEECHES

We all enjoy hearing the motivational pre-game speeches

This pre-game speech of yesterday has always been one of my favorites.

“Your fathers and your grandfathers are the ones who fought their fathers.
These men playing against you today are soldiers.
They are the Long Knives.
You are Indians.
Tonight, we will know if you are warriors.”

Glenn “Pop” Warner, Head Coach of the Carlisle Indians, pre-game pep talk to Jim Thorpe and the Carlisle team before the game with the Cadets of West Point.

If this doesn’t get you motivated, then nothing will.

CONTENDERS & PRETENDERS

CONTENDERS

TEXAS: The Mighty Longhorns have reloaded and will be in the hunt (again) for the National Title.
Remember you read it here first…

ALABAMA: If the defending National Champion Crimson Tide can replace the defense from a year ago, they will have a legitimate shot at the title again this year.
But that is a big if….

FLORIDA: Even without Tim Teabow the Mighty Gators are poised for another trip to Atlanta and the SEC Championship game. Plan your trip now….

IOWA: The Hawkeyes have a great defense and their game in the Big Horseshoe on November 19th will determine the Big Ten, Eleven or Twelve Champion.

ARKANSAS: That’s right I said it….
The Razorbacks have one of the most gifted quarterbacks in the country and with a little luck could easily find themselves in Atlanta at the end of the season….

VIRGINIA TECH: Lead by the sensational Ryan Williams the Hokies could run the tables in the Atlantic Coast Conference this year, providing of course they get by Boise State this week and the matchup with the Hurricanes of Miami in south Florida on November 20th.

CARSON NEWMAN: The Eagles are a perennial powerhouse in Division II and once again Coach Sparks has his boys ready to make a run at the title.

WASHINGTON: There isn’t a national sports media outlet in the country that is picking the Huskies to compete for the PAC 10 or 11 crown this year…
Except for Your favorite College Football Prognosticator…

See you at the Rose Bowl…

GEORGIA TECH: Coach Paul Johnson will have the rambling Wreck of Georgia Tech competing for the ACC Crown again this year, believe it…

NEBRASKA: One Second…..
That “one second” haunts the Cornhusker Nation from last year and it will motivate them back into the Big 12 Championship game this year, believe it.

AUBURN: The Tigers of Auburn are better than they were a year ago and will challenge for the SEC Crown this year, and that’s a fact.

NORTH ALABAMA: The Might Lions of Division II have returned to prominence despite being coached by Terry Bowden. They will be in the hunt for the Division II title and a rematch with the Coach Sparks Eagles from Carson Newman along the way…

THE OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes have a legitimate shot at the National Title this year, but…
They have a few hurdles along the way with the Hurricanes coming to town on September 11th and traveling to Wisconsin on October 16th and then the game for the conference title with Iowa on November 20th in the Big Horseshoe.

BOISE STATE: The Bronco’s will not be undefeated this year….
But due in large part to playing in a weak conference they will be in the mix at the end of the season for a shot at a BCS game.

BYU: The Cougars took down the mighty Oklahoma Sooners last year and then proceeded to blow it out their respective butts against the Seminoles, but the boys from Provo will be in contention for the conference crown, providing of course they get by the Horned Frogs of Texas Christian on October 16th.

PRETENDERS

WASHINGTON STATE: The Cougars couldn’t win a game if they were playing by themselves.

DUKE: When the student body cancels a Pep Rally for a football game “due to lack of attendance”, nothing more needs to be said.

THE IVY LEAGUE: Plain and simple, you all suck.

VIRGINIA: The once proud Cavaliers rival only Duke as the worse team in the ACC….

NOTRE DAME: Your haughty attitude and infatuation with Golden Gnomes is confusing to the rest of the college football world, particularly since you suck.

PITTSBURGH: I know I know….
The Panthers are picked by “everybody” to win the Big East title…
But that really doesn’t mean anything…

INDIANA: The Hoosiers are the Richard Simmons of the Big Ten.
They are kind of funny to watch for a few minutes but then it’s just said.

ILLINOIS: The Fighting Pumpkins rival only the Oregon Ducks for the title of “Ugliest Uniforms in College Football” but other than that there is little to brag about.

ARMY: The Black Knights of the Hudson will get their ass kicked again this year by Navy and Air Force….Believe it

NCAA: This institution “pretends” to be a volunteer organization that cares only about the student athletes and the integrity of the game, yet it takes billions of dollars a year from the universities and colleges it professes to protect, without just compensation to the universities themselves.
And of course….
If you don’t join this “volunteer” organization then you can’t participate in any collegiate athletic events and no other schools can play with you or they will be punished by the NCAA.

And some of you actually wonder why I call them Nazis?

BAYLOR: The Baylor School of Medicine is one of the finest orthopedic medical schools in the world, which is the polar opposite of the Baylor Bear football team.

DUKE: The Blue Devils are so bad I felt obligated to mention them twice…

MICHIGAN: Last year you won one game in the Big Ten, Eleven or Twelve or whatever it’s called now. It won’t get any better this year, so let me break the news to you now…
Make that three years in a row without the Wolverines going to a bowl game…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Gosh where to begin….
If vacating the wins and losing the Heisman Trophy and the National Title wasn’t bad enough, you went and hired Lane Kiffin. Talk about adding insult to injury.

PRESEASON QUESTIONS & ANSWERS PART II

Q: Hey Mister Wizard!!!!

Man, can you believe it’s almost football season AGAIN!!!???
I can’t hardly wait till next week to see my beloved team, the Georgia-by-God-Bulldogs put a whoopin’ on Loosianer Lafayette. Just in case you didn’t know that Loosiana team is called the ragin’ Cajuns. But they’re gonna end up with a ragin’ case of the red ass when our boys get through with ‘em.
Well, that’s if we can keep everbody outta jail and such. I’m startin to get worried about some of are boys cause I thank the po-lice is just lookin’ fer a reason to pull are boys over and arrest ‘em. I thank that the head of security up to Athens is probly a secret agent from that underhanded devil Irvin Myer or that evil Nick Satan.
Did you know that they even arrested are athletic head honcho and got him fired? Yessirreee bobtail that’s exactly what happened.
And to top it all off they got one of are star runnin backs for hittin a car in a parkin garage. We even had a fella that could make some fake ID’s and stuff.
You know, I wonder if that’s where that Mettenberger fella got his ID when he got in that trouble at that little honky tonk place down to Valdosta? Well, anyway, South Carlina and the ol bald coach better watch out too cause after we beat them Cajuns, them Cocks is next. I do have one question though. If we keep getting these boys arrested and such and they all go to the same jail, do you think the my hero, Mr Burt Reynolds, might come down here and make a movie like he was in? He could call it The Longest Yard II !!! It would be like one of them sequel things!!!
Well, you have yourself a good day Mr Wizard.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! DAAAAAAWWWWWWGGGGGSSSS!!!!
Lemuel in Ludowici

A: I’m not really sure what you said Lemuel, but welcome back….

Q: Dear sir, when mentioning “Fight Songs” in the first part of your College Football Extravaganza, but you failed to mention the GREAT traditional fight song from the University of Michigan “the Victors”.
Could you please reference “the Victors” in the next segment please?
Thanks!
Eddie – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Eddie, I hate to be the bearer of bad news….
But I have on good authority that the University of Michigan has renamed the song..
“the occasional Victors”, which just didn’t flow well with my subject matter, sorry.

Q: Hey Man! When are we going to hear from Ole Hootie Snitch?
I heard that boy went and got himself hitched!
GO VOLS!
Dale – Cookeville, Tennessee

A: In an effort to be fair and balanced in this column….
Hootie Snitch will have his own preseason prognostications out this week..
So stand by…

Q: Dear sir –
I took exception to your characterization that “all people up north” dress like Nanok of the North for football games. For your information we have four seasons in North Dakota and we don’t always dress in winter clothing.
Sincerely –
Rob – Bismarck, North Dakota

A: I would have expected a letter like this from somebody in Columbus Ohio…
But from someone in NORTH DAMN DAKOTA, are you kidding me?
You don’t have four seasons in North Dakota, you have TWO seasons.
Winter and Fourth of July….Enough said…

Q: I read your rants and you are nothing but a straight up racist!
Everything you write and the way you write it clearly identifies you as a racist!
Why don’t you just come out from behind your sheet and admit it?
Tawalla – Atlanta, Georgia

A: I used to enjoy being a distance racist but now I just stick to the hundred yard dash.
But thanks for asking.

EDITORS NOTE: I receive a variety of these accusations over the course of a season, for reasons that continue to baffle me, so let me share my philosophy with you on this subject.
The color of a person’s skin doesn’t make them a jackass; it’s acting like a jackass that makes them a jackass. Enough said…

Q: What’s with the NCAA discriminating against “larger” Coaches in College football?
First they made Phil Fulmer leave who was a GREAT customer of mine!
Then it was Kansas’s Mark Mangino who is also a great customer!
Now I hear rumors that the Maryland Terrapin Coach Ralph Friedgen is on the hot seat!
What gives Mister Wizard?
I smell a conspiracy and I also smell a Philly Cheese Steak, but that’s another story.
So what do you think?
Manny’s Really Big and Tall Shops – Newark, New Jersey

A: I don’t know if you are on to something or not Manny….
But I am proud to report the coaches you referenced ALL beat anorexia!

Q: Dear Sir I have a problem I hope you can help me with.
Whenever I urinate it burns like hell and I find myself not drinking any water or fluids to prevent me from going to the bathroom. This has me very dehydrated, but I don’t want to feel my crotch on fire either. Do you have any advice that could help me?
Thank you
Jim – Charlotte, North Carolina

A: Jim, you have gone to the wrong website, please go to my “other” website entitled “Turn your head and cough with Doctor Mike”.

Q: Mister Wizard I am appalled!
How dare you describe Wolverine Coach Rich Rod’s wife Rita as looking like a Ten Dollar hooker!
She DOES NOT look like a Ten Dollar hooker!
So Drop it!
Jane – Detroit, Michigan

A: When I am wrong I admit it….
With the recent down turn in the economy….
There is NO way that Rita Rod looks like a Ten dollar hooker.
She looks more like a five dollar hooker…

Thanks for correcting me Jane.

Q: Hey Mister Wizard!
I heard the University of Tennessee will introduce another version of a fight song this year!
Is that true? I can’t wait for football season to begin!
Thanks!
Timmy – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Thanks for writing Timmy…
I have on good authority that decision has not been made yet although discussions are still ongoing. The “new” version in question will replace “Rocky Top” with “Jailhouse Rock”.

Q: Mister Wizard I can’t believe you said the Notre Dame cheerleaders are ugly.
The picture of the Irish cheerleader in the Preseason Extravaganza wasn’t bad at all.
She may not have known where to place the “GO” sign, but she wasn’t bad looking.
Matt – Fort Wayne, Indiana

A: Are you kidding? The last time I saw a mouth like that it had a bit in it…

Q: Dear Wizard
When referencing mascots recently you failed to mention the GREAT college mascot “Ralphie” the buffalo from Colorado. Is there a reason for the oversight?
Thanks!
Chuck – Golden, Colorado

A: I am sorry Chuck that was not done on purpose.
The mere mention of a large raging buffalo reminded me of the mutant women described in the University of Tennessee song “Rocky Top” and I threw up a little bit..
Sorry for the oversight.

Your Conference Champions and Championships will be detailed tomorrow
on the last installment of your Preseason College Football Extravaganza.

Later Hootie Snitch will have his own perspective on the 2010 Season…

And Your Week One College Football Picks will be out later in the week too…

So Stay Tuned…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

I apologize for the lengthy delay in getting back with you all…..my beloved fans.

But as you may already know….

Due to my rather phenomenal year of College Football Prognostication in 2009,
I embarked on the “CFB Wizard World Tour”, which I am in the process of wrapping up.
But before I describe my eventful night in Beijing after winning the coveted “Laughing Monkey Award”,
I want to clear up a few rumors that have been circulating the World Wide Web as well as answer some of your well thought out and long awaited questions.

Enjoy…..

Rumors and Questions……

Yes, I am taller and younger than Sammy Hagar but Sammy does have more hair than I do and is somewhat more popular outside college football circles than yours truly.
But we do have one thing in common: Neither of us like to drive 55.

No, I will not write anything about the “World Cup”, nor was I attending any of the World Cup events.
I would rather attend a “Guess that Cheese” contest in Goat Screw Gap Tennessee that have anything to do with soccer …..
And for what I hope is the last time let me make this perfectly clear…
Soccer isn’t a “real” sport, if it were a “real sport”…
Then explain why Frenchmen can play it? My point exactly…
Lastly, if my beloved university has a soccer team..
I am blissfully unaware so please don’t ask me anymore questions about it.

Yes, it’s true; I was recently featured on “Wheel of Fortune’s Celebrity Week”

And “Yes” I was kicked off the show for what the judges described as “shouting” an “inappropriate answer” to a puzzle, causing Vanna White to faint and hit her head on the lighted puzzle board as the studio audience rushed for the exits.

The Puzzle read…..

GO _ UCK YOURSELF _ _

I won’t repeat my answer here, after all this is a family column…
However I will tell you the “correct” answer was “Go Tuck Yourself In”.
But in all fairness I thought the last two blank spaces were exclamation points.
And before you ask “No”, I will not be invited back….

No I was not at Gary Coleman’s Funeral however I do own a Coleman cooler.

No I’m not homophobic; I just don’t like Kenny Chesney.

For those of you that don’t believe you can’t mix business with pleasure then explain to me the Putt-Putt Golf industry. I think I made my point…

I give less than a damn about LeBron James and the entire NBA

No, the television program “Biggest Loser Couples” isn’t about Fat Phil Fulmer and Charlie Weis.

On the topic of television programs you need to be aware the current series “Cheaters” is not a history of the University of Southern California Trojans football program, sorry.

Yes my long awaited book will be out before you know it….

No I am not interested in Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears but I do care deeply and passionately about our boys and girls fighting in Afghanistan and around the world and you all should too.

Although I have Globe Trotted, with all due respect to Meadowlark Lemon, that doesn’t make me a Globe Trotter. See the difference?
Plus I can’t seem to master the ole confetti in the water bucket trick.

Yes, I did meet the Dalai Lama on my World Tour and “No” he is not a Notre Dame fan.
However he does have breath that is similar to the rear end of a Yak.

No, I did not meet with the Pope during my current tour; because I felt with my elevated status as a College Football Prognosticator it wouldn’t help my publishing deal to be seen with an older white guy dressed like a Klan member.

However I have heard the Pope is a huge fan of Notre Dame, for reasons I still can’t quite understand.

I did not have a Liver transplant although I still have flashbacks of “coach” Mike Shula and it causes me to break out in hives and shake uncontrollably.

Yes, in addition to the coveted “Laughing Monkey Award”, your favorite College Football Prognosticator collected a number of other prestigious awards this year.
(Please don’t applaud, your adulation embarrasses me…)

As you may have read I am now a multiple winner of the coveted “Collard Greens Award for Excellence in Southern Sports Journalism” presented by the wonderful people at the Demopolis Alabama Agriculture Extension Service. I won this award despite the best efforts of Delbert “Pickles” Callahan who attempted to claim I picked the winner of the National Championship game as well as the other bowls through the use of an Ouija board and numerous calls to the Physic Hotline.

“Sour Pickles” Callahan is a sore loser….That’s right I said it.

Your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza will be out soon…..

And along with your Pre-Season Prognostications we will discuss such in-depth topics as…..

How will the Virginia Tech Hokies replace the loss of their Wangs this year?

EDITORS NOTE: Shame on you….
I was talking about Ed and his brother David Wang.

I will point out that the Florida State Seminoles will be taking the football field this year without a Bowden at the helm for the first time since the Spanish-American War.

We will talk about how the Big 12 isn’t….and how the Big Ten can’t add.

I will have a contest this year entitled “Who will say something stupid first:
Tommy Tuberville or Les Miles?”

EDITORS NOTE: I think it’s a tossup

There will be even more Mascot News…..

Along with the Oregon Ducks myriad of uniforms…
we will discuss their “new” Uber gay Mister Peanut – Duck hybrid mascot.
It’s a rainbow flag waving celebration.

We will expose the Maine Bear mascot as a very hairy female cheerleader in need of electrolysis.

And I will have the long awaited photographic evidence of the existence of the Presbyterian Blue Hose cheerleaders. Be warned, it will be shocking.

Speaking of Hose….

I will confirm that Michigan’s Coach Rod’s wife “Rita”…..
Was in fact the inspiration of the lesser known Dr. Seuss book; “Horton hires a Ho”

I will also break down the old adage of how “Two Ute’s at hand are better than hiding in the bushes”

EDITORS NOTE: Before you even ask…Yes, this is the Utah version of the story.

As you might expect we will have team news from around the country…..

Certainly we will take time to discuss the empty space located in the University of Southern California Trojans Trophy case, with the return of the Heisman Trophy, the National Championship Trophy, vacated wins and so on.

And for the record….

I am too good a person to gloat over the demise of the Southern California Trojans or say “I Told You So” to Fox Sports, ESPN, the Los Angeles Times, the Orange County Register, the NCAA, ABC Sports, Sports Illustrated, CBS Sports, NBC Sports, the PAC 10 Conference and College Football Illustrated.
Just because they ALL refused to mention the scandal of Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans and in most if not all cases DISMISSED the story entirely is no reason for me to gloat or say “I Told You So”. Certainly as the lone voice in the wilderness on this issue for a number of years and enduring the slings and arrows of readers and commentators alike, it would be easy for me to say “I Told You So”.

I don’t have to say “I Told YOU So” because I derive my satisfaction from providing you readers the facts on this issue and allow you to make up your own minds concerning the offences committed by Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans and the ensuing cover-up committed by Coach Pete Carroll, the University of Southern California, the PAC 10 Conference and the NCAA.

So you can see, I don’t have to say “I TOLD YOU SO” to make my point.

I am bigger than that.

We will detail the pressures of Coaching College Football and the effect some dumbass donors have on its programs like Vanderbilt which ultimately caused the great Coach Johnson to depart for less stormy shores.

This Season marks an extraordinary accomplishment….
As we will take time out to celebrate Jo Pa’s 100th year in college football

EDITORS NOTE: I just hope nobody breaks a hip

We will discuss “what’s his name” the new starting Florida Gator’s Quarterback who doesn’t stand a snowballs chance in hell of filling Tim Tebow’s socks, much less his shoes.

EDITORS NOTE: That poor kid, I can almost hear the boo birds warming up

Later we will try and determine “what the Hell was Nebraska thinking” when they joined the Big Ten, Eleven, Twelve conference.

I will go into depth of how the Texas Longhorns are stronger than ever: It’s True

We will have even better news for the Mighty Buckeyes of Columbus.

I will provide you readers 3-D glasses as we look at the Boise State hideous blue field of death

I will tell you I miss my adopted Clemson Tiger Family

We will discuss the stupidity that is the Colorado Buffaloe…
When they joined the PAC “what the hell ever” Conference.

EDITORS NOTE: Are you dumbasses close to the Pacific Ocean or are you just praying for an earthquake?

There will be a new section this season entitled…
“The More the things Change the more they stay the Same”
Starring Tennessee Coach Droolly and the Tennessee Volunteers!
In the first installment we will examine definitions at the University of Tennessee, as an example how “indefinitely suspended” actually means “two weeks” and much, much more.

There will be an open discussion concerning Notre Dames infatuation with Golden Gnomes

There will be an interactive section this year called…
“Say something nonsensical with Les Miles”

This Season we will also go “Big Pimp’n” with the former University of Georgia Athletic Director Damon Evans and discuss his crying jag with a Georgia Highway Patrolman, “How NOT to get out of a DUI”
and his penchant for women’s underwear and underage crack whores.

We will uncover how the NCAA “discovered” MapQuest and actually utilized it to find Reggie Bush’s Momma’s House (Five years later….)

EDITORS NOTE: Isn’t technology fascinating?

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will review Coach Pete Carroll (Formally of the University of Southern California Trojans) newest book, “Cheating for Dummies”

Hootie Snitch “The Biggest Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet” will return to commentate on the state of college football and his Volunteers after his whirlwind romance and subsequent marriage to Thelma Stroderback, an east Tennessee “hand model” for a Baneberry Tennessee tractor supply and fertilizer store.

And how could we go through the college football season without a reference or two to your favorite Hall of Fame and Museum and gift shop?
That’s right….
I mean the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum (And Gift Shop)
Don’t worry, you won’t be disappointed

Before I depart….
Congratulations to the Mighty South Carolina Gamecocks on winning the College World Series.
And Another Championship for the Southeastern Conference.

One last thing….

If you ever find yourself in Beijing…
Don’t ever ask your hosts “Are we going to Wang Chung tonight?”
It means something entirely different in China…
And “No” I don’t want to talk about it.

There is more on the way, so stay tuned.

RTR
The CFB Wizard

While Coach Pete and the Southern California Trojans are singing MC Hammer songs
and trying to determine if they are “Too Legit to Quit”, the rest of us will roll into the Week 12 Picks.

But before we do I need to mention….
Last week your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…
was a substandard 39 and 15 or a rather lowly 72%. That leaves us at 492 and 136 or 78% for the season.

We have some bitter rivalries to discuss and the opening round of the Division II Playoffs
So let’s get to it shall we?

Coach Pete, “You can’t touch this”

Enjoy your games!

Wednesday November 18th

Central Michigan at Ball State
I don’t know if you’ve noticed this but….
When Lou Holtz says “Chippewa’s” he sounds just like Sylvester the Cat
CHIPPEWA’S 33-21

Buffalo at Miami (OH)
The Redskins have disappointed me all year, tonight will be no exception
And that my friends is “No Bull”
BULLS 34-13

Thursday November 19th

Colorado at Oklahoma State
In Stillwater they have a little saying: “Buffalo”….
The “other” white meat
COWBOY UP! 33-14

Friday November 20th

Akron at Bowling Green
Another I-75 Battle in the Buckeye state….
Falcons Zip the Zip’s……
FALCONS 31-28

Boise State at Utah State
The Bronco’s are on their way to an undefeated season….
Just like I said they would…
No need to thank me Boise Fans…
It’s how I roll….
BRONCOS 38-17

Saturday November 20th

Florida International at Florida
If “International’s” football team was a musical group they would be Menudo.
MIGHTY GATORS 38-14

Kansas at Texas
I hate to be the one to tell you this…
But Dorothy, you aren’t in Kansas anymore…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-17

Chattanooga at Alabama
I was very proud of the Moccasins come from behind win last week
But this week, the Tide is Rolling and Rolling and Rolling…
CRIMSON TIDE 45-10

LSU at Ole Miss
This game is going to be a slobber knocker from start to finish
Believe it
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-23

Arkansas Tech at North Alabama
The “Wonder Boys” from Tech are going to “wonder”…..
what the hell they were thinking playing the mighty Lions of Florence in the first round of the Division II Playoffs.
FLORENCE LIONS 33-24

Citadel at Georgia Southern
The Bulldogs lost a sizeable lead to the Mighty Moccasins last Saturday
and they will get a terminal case of the Statesboro Blues this week…
Sounds like the beginning of a country song….
Just add train sounds…
EAGLES 34-24

North Carolina State at Virginia Tech
It’s too close to Thanksgiving “Not” to pick the Turkey’s
HOKIES 34-17

Oklahoma at Texas Tech
The Mighty Sooners are going to have their hands full this weekend….
And so will the Red Raiders…..
This one is going to be close….
Real close….
BOOMER SOONERS 31-28

West Alabama at Carson Newman
Another first round Division II Playoff Matchup….
The Tigers aren’t ready for the Boy’s from Jefferson City..
SPARKS EAGLES 33-28

Ohio State at Michigan
The title alone says it all….
There are few games that garner more hate and discontent…
These two bitter rivals hate each other 365 days a year….
Between these two states, there is nothing more important…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 31-17

Memphis at Houston
My Cougars have dropped the ball as of late…
(No Pun intended…)
But I still believe…..
COUGARS 34-17

Minnesota at Iowa
This Big Ten Battle is played for the coveted “Floyd of Rosedale”
If you are wondering what that actually is, it’s a Bronze Pig statue, ok?
Which makes absolutely no sense to me..
EYES OF THE HAWK 33-14

Harvard at Yale
A classic matchup that absolutely nobody cares about…
Including me..

Penn State at Michigan State
This Big Ten Battle is called “The Battle of the Land Grants”
And it is played for the “Land Grant Trophy”
No, I didn’t make this up…..
I wish it was called “The Battle of the Foster Grants”
And the winner got some cool sunglasses….
JOE PA’S LIONS 24-20

Oregon at Arizona
The Wildcats are undefeated at home in the desert this year….
But the Quacks are on the attack….
If you don’t think so…
Just ask Coach Pete how his quacker is doing?
QUACK ATTACK 33-31

Duke at Miami (FL)
The Blue Devils are doing better than they did last year…
Which is like saying..
Kenny Chesney doesn’t act as gay as he used too..
HURRICANES 34-14

Kentucky at Georgia
The Dawgs will tree the cats between the hedges and leave them blue.
HUNKER DOWN DAWGS! 38-21

Kansas State at Nebraska
The Wildcats got spanked by MO’s Tigers last Saturday…
The Children of the Corn get medieval on the Cats this weekend…
HUSKY’S OF THE CORN 28-14

California at Stanford
This PAC 10 Rivalry is called “The Big Game”
They play it each year for the “Stanford Ax”
If you think I am going against the Tree, you would be wrong.
CARDINAL 43-38

Mississippi State at Arkansas
The Bulldogs are tough and getting tougher…..
But the Hogs are hitting their stride…..
RAZORBACKS 31-14

Arizona State at UCLA
The hopes of the Devils from the Valley of the Sun….
Will melt in Pasadena like a Hershey Bar on a dash board of a truck in Dallas on July 4th
BRUINS 24-17

Maryland at Florida State
There is some good news and some bad news for Coach Bobby this weekend
The “Good News” is that the Seminoles will win this weekend…
The “Bad News” is Coach Bobby believes the Japanese just bombed Pearl Harbor
and will spend the entire game hiding in a bunker near the stadium.
SEMI-NOLES 38-17

Louisville at South Florida
Here is how this works…
The Cardinals just sneaked by Otto the Orange last Saturday in the Ville…
The Bulls were embarrassed in Jersey
The Boys from Tampa rebound against Coach K. this week..
NO BULL 33-14

Wisconsin at Northwestern
Another Big Ten Battle this week and you know what that means…
Yes! Another rivalry game for a trophy!
This game between these two magnificent schools is played for….
“The Magnificent Marsupial Trophy”
I know it sounds important, but it looks like a stuffed possum.
HEADS OF CHEESE 33-31

Purdue at Indiana
This Big Ten Matchup and instate rivalry is played for…..
“The Old Oaken Bucket”
As opposed to…..
“The Semi-new recyclable plastic environmentally friendly repository of Hope”
BOILERMAKERS 28-24

North Carolina at Boston College
The Boys from Chestnut Hill have a problem this weekend….
The Heels of Tar are rolling into town….
It’s like an Oil Spill, except you get your ass kicked in the process.
TAR HEELS 28-13

Iowa State at Missouri
In the Name of Jesse James I will not doubt MO’s Tigers again…
I said that this week and I intend on keeping my word…
MO’S TIGERS 31-27

Rutgers at Syracuse
Now that I know that Tony Soprano is “working” the games for the Scarlett Knights..
This one is an easy pick…
After all, I certainly don’t want to anger my Italian American friends in Jersey..
I might want to go back to Atlantic City one day..
And return in one piece…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 34-10

Virginia at Clemson
The Boys from Charlottesville play less like “Cavaliers”
And more like midgets on miniature ponies, with little sombreros and chaps
DABO’S TIGERS 33-14

Oregon State at Washington State
Much like Coach Riley……
I am all about the Beavers…..
MIGHTY BEAVERS 43-10

Vanderbilt at Tennessee
There is no truth to the rumor…..
That the latest Volunteer player arrested for shop lifting was in a disguise
therefore it took nearly two weeks for the police to release the report.
In fact he was wearing his football jersey with his name on the back while committing the crime,
the Tennessee Athletic Administration was just trying to keep it a “secret” like they used too.
Glad I could clear that up for everyone…
VOWELS 24-14

Wofford at Furman
This game will be a Battle between two of Chewbacca’s Kids
I just hope nobody gets a hairball….
FURRYMAN 23-17

Kent State at Temple
I’m sorry but every time I hear anything about the “Golden Flashes”
I get a visual image of naked people at the nursing home
HOOT OWLS 24-17

Texas Christian at Wyoming
The Horned Amphibians from Cow Town destroyed the two Ute’s last week…
They will stick the cowboys this Saturday….
Cowboy down
HORNED FROGS 34-14

Tulane at Central Florida
Neither of these teams has a personality…..
Sort of like my sister-in-law
Minus the one foot that looks like a hoof…
the hump on the back, the horns, I mean “calcium deposits”…
but other than that they are almost exactly alike.
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 24-21

Connecticut at Notre Dame
Even a win over the Huskies won’t save Coach Charlie’s job….
But the good news is that Gerry Faust is available..
So, it’s like a “win-win”
FIGHTN’ IRISH 33-23

Air Force at Brigham Young
The Cougars are tough to beat in Provo…
But these Falcons Aim High…
FALCONS 33-28

UAB at East Carolina
What’s the deal with the “Blazers” of Birmingham having a “Dragon” as a mascot?
The only “Dragon” I ever saw in Alabama was when I went on this blind date once..
Never mind, I don’t want to talk about it…
PIRATES 31-28

Texas El Paso at Rice
My favorite pudding gets pounded by the semi-mighty miners…
Believe it…
MINERS 43-10

Baylor at Texas A&M
Let’s be honest here….
Neither of these teams are worthy of a bid to the “Vienna Sausage Bowl”
That says it all…
GIG EM AGGIES 38-34

Army at North Texas
I love Denton Texas, but I don’t have a clue to what a “Mean Green” is…
Unless it’s a kitchen cleanser
Why would you name your team after some thing like that?
What’s next, “The Blistering Bleach”?
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 24-23

San Diego State at Utah
So these two Aztec Ute’s were on their way to a ritual human sacrifice at the temple of the sun God….
Stop me if you’ve heard it…
TWO UTES 43-14

Southern Methodist at Marshall
I do love the folks in Huntington, and the Thundering Herd…
But they are playing against…
THE MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-24

Colorado State at New Mexico
The winner of this game does get a bid to the “Vienna Sausage Bowl”
Yeah, this game is “that” important..
LOBOS 24-23

Tulsa at Southern Miss
After last week, were I actually doubted the Golden Eagles…
Well, I learned my lesson…
I can’t have my home folks mad at me…
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

Hawaii at San Jose State
Wouldn’t you know it….
The “new” season of “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is starting and I am stuck
in Two Buck Tim…
Sometimes, life just isn’t fair…
WARRIORS doing the electric slide over RAINBOWS 24-21

Nevada at New Mexico State
The Pack of Wolves has one of the finest running backs in the nation…
and the Aggies have “Lasso Pete” as a mascot….
Yeah, this one is easy…
WOLFPACK 34-10

Enjoy your weekend and your games

Stay tuned…
There is more to come..

RTR
MEB

Much like Ward Cleaver…

I too Hail the Power of the Beaver….

OREGON STATE BEAVERS 27

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA TROJAN$ 21

Congratulations to the Oregon State Beavers for killing the hopes and dreams of the most overrated team in all of College Football for the last ten years…

That (O’ By the Way)…
Should be on NCAA Probation by now anyway…

I am SO Glad I was wrong about that game….

More later today…

RTR
MEB