This week’s picks will be in Honor of the Marine Corps Birthday and Veterans Day.

Since 10 November 1775 The United States Marine Corps has stood on the Nation’s porch like a Pit Bull waiting to be unleashed when the occupants of the house are threatened.

We have served in peace and for the past decade, a lot of war, a lot of war.

Some people categorize us as “military”, we are that but we are also a cult; a cult that doesn’t believe in putting your hands in your pockets, walking on grass when wearing dress shoes or carrying umbrellas under any circumstances.

And by chance if you were wondering why the Marines in your workplace this week were always an hour early to work or an hour early to meetings the reason is very simple.

Regardless of the time change real Marines don’t “fall back” for any reason.

I want to take this opportunity to wish a very Happy 236th Birthday to all my Marine Brothers and Sisters past, present and future. And please don’t forget that Friday is Veteran’s Day

If you see a Veteran, don’t thank them for their “service” that sounds like they just got finished rotating and balancing your tires. Thank them for your “Freedom” because that is what their blood, sweat and tears in uniform bought for you.

Enjoy your Picks…..

POST WEEKEND REPLAY

I certainly do appreciate all the “get well” cards this past week and I want to assure you that the liver transplant I received at Wal-Mart from the automotive department went surprisingly well.

I was a bit hesitant about buying a liver from “China” but before you ask how I knew the liver I purchased was from China, which by the way can be found in Wal-Mart between the Sporting Goods and Automotive Departments, it’s because I have this craving to eat a plate of Chicken Chow Mein and loan a large sum of money to the United States government.

I just wish they wouldn’t have used Velcro to stitch me up with….
That stuff catches on everything…

Too bad I didn’t Velcro My picks last week, I might have done better.

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 53 and 13 or 80% last week.

And that leaves The CFB Wizard at 545 and 143 or 79% for the season after 10 weeks.

We have a lot to discuss, so let’s get to it.

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC country!!!

With the Big Blue Trojans of Telfair having ended their season, I was set to take a hiatus until next year with this column and do some huntin’ and maybe a little fishing over at Little Ocmulgee Lake. However, The CFB Wizard talked me into hanging around until the end of the High School playoffs and, maybe, the College season.

I am humbled and grateful that people actually read what I’ve written. However, I was kind of at a loss as to what to do with my Friday nights. Well, I decided to take the long drive down to Folkston, Georgia to watch the home standing Indians of Charlton County take on the Clinch County Panthers to see firsthand how the power brokers of Region 2-A were doing in an annual game they call the “Swamp War”. It’s a long 90 mile ride around the Okefenokee Swamp and through the Spanish moss laden water and scrub oaks, between Homerville and Folkston. But that didn’t stop the visiting Panthers from bringing a large contingent of supporters to see this clash of 2-A Titans.

This 60th edition of The Swamp War had important playoff implications as each team was jockeying for playoff seeding positions in upcoming post season play. Clinch, the defending 2010 Class A champions of Georgia from West of the Swamp, came up just a bit short in a 21-14 loss to the Big Indians from East of the Swamp. The Tribe’s Tre Hamilton continued his assault on the hallowed Charlton County record books as he posted over 100 yards rushing and scored 2 touchdowns in the win. This well played game was another classic in the 60 year old rivalry between two of the tradition rich schools of South Georgia’s powerful 2-A region. Next week Clinch travels to Mitchell County and Charlton will host Miller County in the first round of the second season of 2011.

Everyone in the state of Georgia knows who Isaiah Crowell is, where he’s from, and they probably know everything there is to know about his diet, his dreads, and what classes he takes at the University. But, quick, who were the running backs for the Cow College against New Mexico State on Saturday?
Unless you read the write ups in the sports sections of your local papers you never would have guessed Branden Smith, a defensive crossover, and former walk-ons Brandon Harton and Kyle Karempelis. Who?

In a scenario reminiscent of the movie “Rudy”, these seldom used backups got to run for glory in a 63-16 romp over the Agriculturists from out West. In a pay off game scheduled as a break before the big Auburn showdown next week, Georgia will undoubtedly be excited to see Crowell and company back in the fold. And, by the way, the loud cheering you heard late Saturday night in Athens wasn’t “Dooooooogs”, it was “Hooooooogs”, as the Fayettville Fatback crew did their jobs in helping the Canines to the top of the SEC East heap.

In Hot-lanta, the Rambling Wreck got a week off to get a tune up and prepare for a big Thursday night showdown with the Turkeys from Vah-Tech. It remains to be seen whether the calculator commandos will be able to punch in a winning formula to try to take charge of the ACC Coastal Division.

And up in Eagle Creek, the Blue Clad Crows got a little divine intervention and Christmas in November combined, as they squeaked by the Cadets from the Holy City in a Bone vs Bone showdown at “The Prettiest Little Stadium in America.” The Eagles must have still had the Mountaineer Blues in a 14-12 game. But they blocked 2 Knob extra points, which proved to be the difference in the game. In the upset bid which was eerily similar to last years miracle over the Mountain Men, the Cadets lined up for a field goal in a last second upset bid of their own. 13 seconds left with a 37 yard field goal attempt in Gale force winds. It was so windy that Georgia’s bald eagle mascot, Freedom, could not make his pregame flyover.
The snap. The kick. “I thought I made it,” said the Citadel’s Ryan Sellers. “It was right down the middle,” said Eagle’s corner Laron Scott. “I couldn’t even look, and then I heard everyone yelling,” Suddenly, miraculously, the wind kicked up again. Sellers: “It was right down the middle, and the wind caught it…and it went wide right. It was the best feeling in the world, and then the worst.” Time runs out. The team that Erk built eeks out a win. Despite the close call, the outlook for Southern’s bid to win the SoCon got a little better with a loss by those same Boone Boys to the Paladin’s of Furman. But they’ll have to win on the road at the home of the Southern Conference’s number 2 team, the Terriers of Wofford to stay ahead of the pack. Yes, folks, the plot thickens….

In case you hadn’t heard, over in Tuscaloosa, there was a game between the Bayou Bengals and the Crimson Tide in a matchup of biblical proportions. The Cajun Cats came up with a little luck of their own as they squeaked by the hometown pachyderms by a 9-6 score. I don’t know about anyone else, but to me this was a thoroughly enjoyable game, which reminded me of how football was played in a bygone era. Lots of defense and hard hitting, like Ali-Frazier, feeling each other out, and looking for an edge. The Tide proved to be their own worst enemies though, as they had 2 missed field goals and one that was blocked. This proved to be their downfall as LSU, hung in, made some big plays, and finally came away with a win in overtime. At the end of the game, The Mad Hatter was asked if he’d like to play Bama again if things worked out right. His answer? “I’d be honored to play that team again.” Don’t know about anyone else, but to me, that’s class. That scenario probably won’t play out, but I’d love to see Clash of the SEC Titans II.

Over in Fayetteville, Arkansas, the Hungry Hogs did their part in spoiling the Columbia Cocks season as they came away with a 44-28 win. The chickens are struggling as of late with injuries and dismissals. Conner Shaw showed some dazzling running ability but also showed flashes of First Year Starter woes as he was unable to hook up with All World receiver Alshon Jefferies very often and was finally knocked out of the game late in the 4th quarter. The Head Ball Coach is doing some good things in South Carolina but he still hasn’t been able to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. He gets the receivers and defensive players, but he still hasn’t been able to pull in a big name High School quarterback to get them over the mountain. Next up for the Cocks are the Reeling Reptiles from Gainesville in a make or break game to try to keep up with Georgia for SEC supremacy.

Elsewhere, the Nebraska Farm Hands had their hands full with a bunch of Crazy Cats from Northwestern. The Felines proved to be rude guests as they came away with a 28-25 win in Lincoln. I think the Corn-shuckers are going to have to revise their expectations of running away with the Big Ten-ish Division crown.
In Columbus, Ohio, the Buck-nuts eased by a 1-9 Hoosier squad 34-20. As impressive as they think their season is the 6-3 Ohians still had a much tougher time against this perennial cellar dweller than they anticipated.
And then there’s Tommy Tubberville’s Texas Tech Tankers. I’m still scratching my head over the Red Raiders. The Gunslingers come away from a road game in Norman with a 41-38 win over the Sooners, and then got embarrassed by Iowa State and followed it up with another stinker against Texas. A 52-20 loss is not hangoverish after Oklahoma. It’s I aint got a clue football at it’s finest. But enough of that. There should be plenty of shuffling in the standings this week, as 7 of the top 25 teams were beaten. Things are about to get interesting as we draw closer to the Bowl season we are down to 5 undefeated FCS teams and only a few weeks left in the season.

Once again, it’s time for the Peach State Prognostication. I’ve been hitting the little smart pill machine (to borrow a famous expression from Leonard Postostis) and doing tons of research, to make the most accurate pick possible. The Dogs looked pretty good against an overmatched opponent from 2 time zones away. Crowell got a rest, and Murray impressed. The Slide Rule Jocks took a week off to revamp a porous defense and to try to tune up an offense that until last week looked like it had thrown a rod. As the game creeps closer and closer, I’m starting to see something in my crystal ball that looks like a Georgia win: 28-27.
Yep, I’m sticking to it.
Nothing much happened to change my mind over the weekend, so I’m taking the easy way out and it’s a repeat of last week’s star gazing.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
I know you only write about college football but I have to ask you with all the labor disagreements between the players union and the owners do you think we will see any Professional Basketball this year?

James – Alexandria, Virginia

A: There is such a thing as “professional” basketball?

Who knew?

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard

A co-worker of mine forwarded me the link to your sports “column” and I had the displeasure of having read your tripe. I don’t know which was worse, your inability to grasp the English language, your latent tendencies towards racism and sexism or the fact I won’t ever be able to get that time back I wasted from reading your ridiculous ramblings.

Perhaps in the future you could learn something from a simple children’s book entitled…
“Middle English: a primer for beginners”. That would be a good start

Sincerely – Debra, Columbus, Ohio

A: “Middle English”?
You never mentioned that you were a fan of “The Lord of the Rings” or that you were an angry midget, which may explain your anger management issues.

Q: Hey Wizard!
You did it Man! You called it! The Louisville Cardinals beat West Virginia!
How did you do it! What’s your system?
Thanks!
John – Louisville, Kentucky

A: Thank you John, but I don’t have a “system” for such prognostications.
I am nothing more than a genius; unfortunately my “gift” seems to be confined to games of which I am not “emotionally” involved with.

Q: Dear Sir –

As a registered clinical psychologist I can ascertain from your column that you may have a disorder caused from having a myriad of personalities at least that is my preliminary diagnosis from reading your columns.
Do you find that you have any symptoms of a multiple personality disorder?

Sincerely – Dr. Richard Jacobs MD, Boston, Massachusetts

A: Gosh Doc you make that sound like it’s a “bad thing”

The Great thing about having multiple personalities is that I can have a party all by myself.

Q: Dear Sir,

It’s me again and I’ve got a problem I was wondering if you might help me with.
I didn’t want to write that Dear Abby lady cause she gets kind of snippy and sassy sometimes and right now I’m sensitive and vulnerable.
You remember how I just loved me some Tim Tebow?
Well, if you’ve been under a rock for a little while, he up and left from Flarda and run off out west to play some more football with somebody else.
I was heartbroke.
I couldn’t believe that two timer would leave me and the whole state of Flarda and not even tell me bye. I still love that boy but if he ever comes back I’ll have a sharp eye out on him.
Anyway, since I got over Tim Tebow I didn’t have nobody to love and admire and then I saw that John Brantley fella. You know, he’s cute enough, and all that but he just don’t twirl my propellers like Tim Tebow did. You know he didn’t even have an exotic and foreign sounding name either. I mean, Tim Teeeeeebow just sounds so French or Spanish or something.
So I just want to know this. Do you thank that Muscrat fella that’s running the Gater team will ever go out and pick him up a fella to play quarterback for the Gaters that is as dreamy, and cute, and just plain purty as Tim Tebow?

Thanks for listening Mr Wizard

Tracy in Homassassa

A: Tracy; Timmy has been gone for a couple of years now, you need to move on.

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
I read this week that it is the Marine Corps Birthday and wanted to wish you and all the other Marines a Happy Birthday! But I also have a question for you that I hope to share with the third grade class I teach here in Platte City, Missouri.
After all the countries you Marines have to deployed too, particularly the past ten years or so, are you required to learn several languages?

Thank you

Margaret – Platte City, Missouri

A: No ma’am, we don’t go to those places to talk.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

PENN STATE: I have written this and re-written this piece. I am still angry, but this is all I have to say for now concerning what is going on at Penn State. I hope I can be coherent this time around.

So Penn State is going to let the big money donors and the national media drive them to FIRE a college football Legend for what, because Joe “should” have known something?

I wasn’t aware “should have known something” was a crime

I also wasn’t aware that was a criteria for firing somebody, then maybe I should be the “only” source of College Football News (I suppose I am anyway) because the entire National Sports media and media in general “should have known” the “real” story about Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans for five damn years, right? Do you need some more examples, some maybe a little closer to “home” for some of you expert media types, because I have a few more I could share with you.

There is a lot I could say about this topic and the way Coach Joe has been treated this past week, but I will simply say this; you should all be ashamed of yourselves for the way you are treating Joe Pa and believe me; you vultures will reap what you sow

AUBURN: This week the Auburn Tiger Family lost a true matriarch….

Evelyn Walker Jordan, the wife of Auburn’s legendary coach Ralph “Shug” Jordan.

Mrs. Jordan died following a brief illness last Thursday at age 98. She was laid to rest this week at Holy Trinity Episcopal Church in Auburn this week.

She was a native of Augusta, Georgia and grew up in Macon, Georgia and Columbia, South Carolina where she received a bachelor’s degree in sociology from the University of South Carolina.

She did graduate work at Tulane University in New Orleans and later earned a master’s degree at Auburn, where she served as Panhellenic adviser and worked as a counselor for married and international students for many years.

She received the university’s Pamela Wells Sheffield Award in 1992 in recognition of her service and commitment to Auburn.

And I would like to add…..

Miss Evelyn was a real Southern Lady and a fine person.
She was class, dignity and strength covered in Southern Charm.
They don’t make too many ladies like her anymore.

She will be deeply missed, deeply missed.

ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL STUDIO: The problem about trying to talk about “all” the other sports going on during College Football Saturday’s is that it can have a tendency to tongue tie the commentator. Such was the case this past Saturday when everybody’s favorite ditzy sports blonde ESPN’s Wendi Nix had this to say in the College Football Pre-game Studio Show….

“And to NASCAR, this weekend….
We will see if Tony Stewart can take home another Checkered Fag this weekend in Texas….”

EDITORS NOTE: And that my friends is why I don’t follow NASCAR…
I think they have taken this “Diversity” thing a little too far.

OKLAHOMA STATE: Your Quarterback is 28 years old? Really?

Shouldn’t he have been playing in the NFL for like five years already?

CBS COLLEGE FOOTBALL: From the “Here we Go Again” files….

We all know Vern “The syphilitic dwarf” Lundquest and Gary “Dumbass” Danielson don’t have anything good to say about anything related to the University of Alabama Crimson Tide and I finally figured why….

They are still hooked on “Cammy Cam Juice”

You gibbering idiots do know that stuff has an expiration date, right?

ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL PART II: This one is from the…..
“What’s Good for the Goose is Good for the Gander” File….

The fact that ESPN is losing all their credibility as a College Sports “News” outlet with most of their main college reporters, writers and contributors (Feldman, Forde, etc.) departing ESPN Bristol, Connecticut may just be leaving themselves trapped with the corrupted Craig James for more days and years than sports fans see fit.

Especially since sports fans’ days of Craig James employment ran out 23 months ago when Texas Tech gave up on their pirate head coach due to ESPN’s interference based on a James’ infamous complaint.

I think it’s time to start a “Fire Craig James” Campaign

After all…..

“What’s Good for the Goose is Good for the Gander”

Right?

OKLAHOMA: So you are ahead of the Aggies 41 to 10 in the fourth quarter and you keep your starters in to try and score more points, right?

Real Classy Sooners, real classy.

TEXAS: Speaking of the Aggies of College Station….

The folks from Austin have produced a t-shirt that has become immensely popular on campus…

TEXAS A&M: Now before all you Aggies start sending me nasty emails (again)

I want to give equal time to some talented folks from Aggieland that produced this short video.

I don’t care who you are, this is funny.

GIG EM

Get through the brief advertisement at the beginning and Enjoy…

Click here to view the embedded video.

BCS COMMITTEE: This past week it was reported that the BCS Committee “didn’t think” that the White House and the President of the United States would file a Federal lawsuit against the Bowl Championship Committee in an effort to “shake up” the Championship process.

EDITORS NOTE: Gosh….

I would really hope that the “White House and the President of the United States” would have more important things to worry about other than who plays who in a damn bowl game.

I don’t know…
Like maybe unemployment, the War in Afghanistan and the economy in the crapper.

You know, “little things” like that

NORWICH: You won last week just like I said you would with your talented Long Ding.
You have the most talented Long Ding in the Country, Congratulations.

NEBRASKA: What the Hell Cornhuskers? North – Best Western, Really?

What is that a Rand McNally Road Atlas College?

A Hotel – Motel School?

Somewhere Tom Osborne is crying….

LSU: Like the lady is saying (in so many words) below, you are Number One, but not by much.

Congratulations on a Great win in T-Town.

THE GAMES

Tuesday November 8th

Northern Illinois at Bowling Green
I rarely guarantee one of my Picks, but I am feeling unusually confident with this pick.
HUSKIES 45-14

Western Michigan at Toledo
I must really be in the zone today.
ROCKETS 66-63

Wednesday November 9th

Miami (OH) at Temple
UPSET SPECIAL!
I feel like my streak from Tuesday is continuing, it’s a just a feeling
HOOTERS 24-21

Thursday November 10th

Ohio at Central Michigan
The Chippewa’s’ are more Dip than Chip as of late.
FRANK’S CATS 34-24

Houston at Tulane
They say it ain’t over until the fat lady sings…..
She sang her heart out six weeks ago for the Green Wave
MIGHTY COUGARS 63-17

Virginia Tech at Georgia Tech
This game is going to be a back and forth affair…..
Last team with the football, wins……
YELLOW JACKETS 34- 31

Friday November 11th

South Florida at Syracuse
I have picked Phil Fulmer’s cousin (Otto the Orange) for three straight weeks…
And they have lost for three straight weeks….
And that is…
NO BULL 28-17

Saturday November 12th

Michigan at Illinois
By now you should know that every Big Ten (something or another) game is a “big” rivalry game…
This game is no different….
It is played annually for the highly coveted “Gunnysack of Flatulence” Trophy
It’s like a leather whoopee cushion…..
Never mind..
WOLVERINES 38-24

Texas at Missouri
I saw the episode when the Three Stooges go “Out West” so I know that..
MO knows stampedes…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 38-28

Susquehanna at Juniata
The two toughest women in the trailer park square off…
Susie and Juanita
This is going to be a brawl, but just one thing “ladies”
No hair pulling…
SUSIE Q 23-17

Ohio State at Purdue
This terrific Big (Whatever) Conference Rivalry is played for the “Bucky Otter Trophy”
If you ask me; it looks like a buck toothed ground hog with a funny tail.
BUCKY EYES 33-17

Pittsburgh at Louisville
Coach Charlie is a lot Stronger than the Kitty Cats from Iron City
Believe it
STRONGER CARDINALS 28-17

Marshall at Tulsa
Against my better judgment I am going with “Upset Special”
Call it a feeling, I just hope it’s not gas
WE ARE MARSHALL 31-28

Rice at Northwestern
The Hoot Owls actually won a game last week (I’m serious)
And the boys from Rand McNally picked the Cornhuskers in Lincoln.
I will go with the corn pickers in this one
CORN CATS 38-21

Kentucky at Vanderbilt
This game is going to be close……
Real close….
It could go either way, believe it
BIG BLUE 24-21

North Carolina State at Boston College
The Pack of Wolves took down the cross state Tar Heels last week…
While the Eagles got plucked by the Seminoles….
I think the Birds stay plucked this week
WOLF PACK 33-17

Ursinus at Dickinson
This game worries me….
I just hate to think about Emily Dickinson having a sinus infection…
It disrupts by poetry reading time
EMILY 24-17

North Texas at Troy
I think Troy is about to get an unhealthy dose of….
MEAN GREEN 24-21

Buffalo at Eastern Michigan
I don’t know about Buffalo’s football team, but their wings are delicious
EAGLES 43-10

Virginia Military Academy at Presbyterian
The Keydets will be far too distracted by the sight of the Blue Ho’s to be effective in this game.
Also the VMI football team sucks….
BLUE HO’S 44-13

Georgia Southern at Wofford
I cannot begin to understand why someone would name a college after a pesky cough.
After all it is the cold and flu season
SOUTHERN EAGLES 28-24

South Dakota State at Western Illinois
You don’t think I would go against the Leathernecks on the Marine Corps Birthday do you?
Of course not…
LEATHERNECKS 34-28

Kent State at Akron
This game is the second in a series of rivalries for Akron…
Akron and Youngstown State play for the “Steel Tire” Trophy…
This game is played for the “Donut Spare Tire” Trophy
It’s very prestigious
FLASHING GOLD 31-28

Baylor at Kansas
The Hawk’s of Jay “might” win this game….
And I “might” be invited to Fat Phil Fulmer’s house for Thanksgiving
Neither of which is very likely
DA BEARS 38-24

EDITORS NOTE: Not that I would be interested in a Turkey stuffed with Krispy Kreme donuts. That’s disgusting…

Delta State at West Georgia
The Fighting Okra has been frying the competition the past few weeks.
Get the grease hot, and break out the flour there is another one headed for the skillet….
FIGHTING OKRA 43-21

Carson Newman at Mars Hill
The Spark has returned to the Eagles and just in time too…
SPARK’S EAGLES 34-28

Wyoming at Air Force
The Mighty Falcons won the Commander in Chiefs Trophy last week…
They will Fly High this week too…
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-17

Arizona at Colorado
I had every good intention of watching this game but I got “two” words for you…
“Sea Monkeys and Sea Monkey Accessories”
That was actually six words, sorry…
WILDCATS 21-17

Duke at Virginia
I have some Exciting News for the Fans of the Blue Devils!
Basketball season is almost here!
Not that I care….
CAVALIERS 28-17

Louisiana Lafayette at Arkansas State
The Red Wolves have been devouring the competition lately and Lafayette is allergic to dogs.
Enough said…
RED WOLVES 38-17

Nebraska at Penn State
Without Joe Pa on the sidelines I really don’t give a damn

Navy at Southern Methodist
These two teams square off and play each year for the “Gansz Trophy”
I am not exactly sure what that looks like, but I know it’s staying in Dallas.
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-17

Texas Christian at Boise State
At the beginning of the season I would have thought this was going to be a real clash.
The Horned Frogs will keep this one interesting….
For awhile anyway…
BRONCO’S 34-24

Rutgers at Army
The Black Knights of the Hudson will keep this one close until the fourth quarter and then as they say in New Jersey (Pronounced: New Jorsey)
“Fugggit bout it”
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 28-17

North Alabama at Valdosta State
The Blazers get torched and the Florence Lions are headed to the Division II playoffs.
Believe it…
MIGHTY LIONS 24-24

Washington at Southern California
Let’s see….
The Huskies have the next to worse defense in all of major college football….
Yeah, sometimes it’s just that easy to pick the games.
LAME TROJANS 43-17

Marist at San Diego
I am glad that Marist finally got a vacation and San Diego should be warm and sunny.
She is a total red fox
RED FOXES 24-17

Youngstown State at North Dakota State
The Penguins of Youngstown….
(Didn’t I tell you that school was ten miles from the Arctic Circle, do you believe me now?)
Take on the Thunder of the Plains in the Mighty Buffalo…
(A penguin cannot whip a Buffalo, I don’t care what Walt Disney says)
BISONS 41-38

Northwestern State at Sam Houston State
Sam Houston was the Hero of San Jacinto and the President of the Republic of Texas
That’s good enough for me…
Remember the Alamo
SAM THE MAN 43-17

North Dakota at UC Davis
“UC Davis, I See France, I saw your Grandma in her….”
Never mind…
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 34-17

UCLA at Utah
I heard the Two Ute’s were Bruin up something special for this game, get it?
I amuse myself sometimes, well actually most of the time.
TWO UTES 28-21

Florida Atlantic at Florida International
This Battle in the Sunshine State is called “The Shula Bowl”
And it’s played for the “Don Shula Award”
You know….
I can remember when Coach Shula actually made sense…
HILTON’S CATS 31-24

Oregon State at California
Say whatever you want to about me….
But I am all about the Beavers
MIGHTY BEAVERS 33-31

Maryland at Notre Dame
This game is between two teams heading in the same direction….
Nowhere fast…
FIGHTING IRISH 38-34

Louisiana Tech at Ole Miss
Every time I have seen Coach Houston Nutt the past few weeks I think one thing…
“Dead Man Walking…”
REBEL BEAR’S 24-17

Central Florida at Southern Miss
The Mighty Golden Eagles of Hattiesburg are on a Seven game winning streak..
Make it “Eight”….
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-17

East Carolina at UTEP
This game with the Miners reminds me of a song that Tennessee Ernie Ford used to sing….
“Sixteen Tons and what do you get…”
An ass whipping by the Pirates…
I think that’s how the song goes..
PIRATES 43-17

Western Kentucky at LSU
O’ Yeah this One will be close….
Not…
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 171-3

Fresno State at New Mexico State
Lasso Larry has been bitten by Dogs more than a mailman, I’m sorry “mail person”
Break out the pepper spray Larry here they come again!
BULLDOGS 28-24

Oregon at Stanford
This is the “big” game in the PAC (something or another) Conference to determine who the top team is on the Left Coast. Maybe this is just wishful thinking on my part….
Maybe I will get Lucky…
QUACKERS 34-28

Texas Southern at Grambling State
They call this game “The Bayou Classic”
And it always is, to include the great Marching Bands at half time.
This one will be no different
ROB’S TIGERS 38-28

Idaho at Brigham Young
I wonder how the Mormons in Provo feel about the “Ida Honkies” coming to town?
I love me some Ida Honkies…
COUGARS 34-17

Hawaii at Nevada
This game puts my Black Lab “Doc” in a quandary….
On one hand (or paw as the case may be) he likes Hawaii because he really likes “Dog the Bounty Hunter”; but he secretly pretends to be a wolf when he thinks I’m not watching….
Particularly when I leave my Pizza unattended…
PIZZA eating WOLVES 43-24

Arizona State at Washington State
I would watch this game…..
But I am in the process of learning all the words to “Funky Town”…
SUNNY DEVILS 6-3

Alabama at Mississippi State
The Bully Dogs have a problem….
A whole bunch of Angry Elephants are coming to Starkville
CRIMSON TIDE 28-10

West Virginia at Cincinnati
The Mountaineer faithful have had their couches soaked with kerosene for over a week…
Just waiting for a Victory….
You may now light the fires and begin the long overdue celebrations
MOUNTAINEERS 31-24

Oklahoma State at Texas Tech
GET THOSE GUNS down RED RAIDERS!
COWBOY UP! 43-17

Texas A&M at Kansas State
I know that all the pundits will pick the Wildcats in this game.
But I am not a pundit, I’m Baptist.
GIG EM AGGIES 28-24

Auburn at Georgia
They call this game…
“The Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry”
It’s going to be a good one
SIC EM DAWGS 34-24

Florida at South Carolina
Nobody (and I mean No Body) is giving the gators a chance to win this game.
I’m not just anybody….
It’s going to be close, real close and it could go either way.
GAMECOCKS 24-21

Tennessee at Arkansas
The Volunteer fans like to say “Go Big Orange!”
I say “Orange Crush”
HAWG-ZILLA’S 38-17

Miami at Florida State
This fierce instate rivalry in the Sunshine State is played for a lot more than a “trophy”
It’s played for a set of gold crunk teeth, a zodiac medallion and a 2 Live Crew CD….
Get your funk on Seminoles…
SEMINOLES 34-21

Wisconsin at Minnesota
This Big Ten (Something or another) Rivalry is played for the highly coveted…
“Gopher Cheese Trophy”….
That sounds kind of nasty if you ask me….
BUCKY BADGER 41-24

Michigan State at Iowa
This is going to be smash mouth “old” Big Ten Football at its finest.
It’s going to be one heck of a game; I am going with the home team in this one.
HAWKEYES 24-21

Wake Forest at Clemson
The Mighty Tigers are rested and Wake Forest has a wonderful Liberal Arts program designed to fit each students needs and desires to fulfill their dreams for the future.
That about sums it up….
DABO’S TIGERS 43-17

Enjoy Your Games….

Happy Birthday Marines and Keep your Hands out of your Pockets

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

This past week for me can best be summed up by those immortal words from…
“That Little Ol’ Band From Texas” ZZ Top when they said….

“Yes I’m bad, I’m nationwide….”

Your Favorite College Prognosticator was both “Bad” and “Nationwide” last week

But perhaps not for the reasons you might think…

I missed my “Upset Special” picking Marshall over Ohio
Which I “only” missed by 37 points, a new personal record for me by the way, and of course I missed a number of other important games last Saturday.

Then I hit yet another milestone….
It has been reported to me by the Staff at the CFB Wizard that I have now “officially” received hate mail from all 50 states as well as the territories of Guam and Puerto Rico…

In honor of this prestigious event I will share a few of my favorite hateful emails with you throughout the season; it will surely put a smile on your face.

In case you are interested I finished Week 3 at 52 and 11 or a rather disappointing 83% and for the season The CFB Wizard is 194 and 31 or 86%.

But enough about me, let’s get to this week’s picks

Enjoy….

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Hello again from the heart of SEC country!
Last week I happily reported that our hometown Telfair County Trojans came away with a victory. Unfortunately that didn’t carry over to this week as our heroes went down to defeat at the hands of Turner County 52-0. We put up a valiant effort but to no avail. Last week’s regional victory was our first in since the 2007 season, but this spirited group of young men will compete and continue to improve. Go Trojans.

In college football, our Georgia Bulldogs took on the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers up in Athens and came away a victor. During a press conference last week, Head Coach David Bennett professed that his team needed to play like a bunch of dogs rather than a bunch of prissy cats. Well, this game was anything BUT a dog fight as Mark Richt’s Bulldogs notched their first win of the season with a 59 – 0 beat down.
Meanwhile, up in Atlanta, the Georgia Institute of Technology notched another ‘W’ in their belt as they trounced Kansas 66 – 24 to avenge an embarrassing loss to the Jayhawks last year.

Hmmmm, Georgia 1-2 and Tech 3-0.
The Trade School needn’t get too excited and go buzzing about this quite yet.
It’s still awfully early in the season, and it seems that no matter how bad the Dawgs do, they always seem to have a little something for the Urban Bees come November.

Over in South Click, the Gamecocks rode Marcus Lattimore to a close victory over the Middies from Navy. This was such a close shave that Stephen Garcia won’t have to break out a Gillette for a couple of weeks. At 3 – 0 the Gamecocks should move up another notch in the standings but can they run the table? Trouble with Navy and a pesky group of Commodores on the horizon may prove to be their undoing. Clemson is proving that they may be the real deal with a convincing win over Auburn. The way the War Chickens were manhandled at Memorial Stadium you would have thought they were the ones that slammed into the Plexiglas last week instead of their wayward mascot.

I would be totally remiss if I didn’t say something about THE Ohio State Buckeyes.
After finishing their tour of cupcakes in Ohio, they finally came upon a little competition. Of course the aptly title Ineligible-Bowl proved to the Brown Nuts that they weren’t the 16th ranked powerhouse they and the national media thought they were.
It wasn’t even close.
The Coral Gable Con Crew quickly put Fickell in a pickle with a convincing 24 – 6 trouncing that netted the Big Bucks a whopping 35 yards through the air to complete the embarrassment.

Those Devils from Duke eked out a 1 point win over Boston College. BC had a chance to win it in the final minute but, alas, on the 25 yard field goal try the left goal post rejected the attempt like a Manute Bol reject of a Spud Webb jump shot.
Free Shoes U was again turned back by the Sooners. Guess Jimbo needs to keep recruiting and working his boys if he is ever going to get back to the upper echelons of the College Football world.
And lastly, Florida once again demonstrated their mastery over the Tenner-seeans courtesy of a big dose of Chris Rainey. Apparently the Volunteers are in a rebuilding phase of their program for ANOTHER year.
Derrick Dooley may need to go talk to his daddy to find out some of his secrets for turning a program around.

That’s it for this week folks!!! Make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
Remember, these are your future collegians of tomorrow!!

Until next time,

I’m Harley Hanesworth

THE BEST OF THE CFB WIZARD HATEFUL EMAILS

The Below Emails were sent October of 2008

Q: You are inorant as hell!
You writte like you know what you are talking about except your inorant!
For your inforinmation Coach Phil Fulmer is the Greateset damn football coach to have ever (misspelled expletive) walkied the damn sidelines! His records speak for themselfes and you (misspelled expletive) Alabama and (misspelled expletive) Gatar people is just jealous cause he is so good and it don’t matter if none of our players is from Tennesse or not, everybody want to come to be a Vol cause we is winners! Think on that you inorant (misspelled expletive)

Sam – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Dear Sam, the next time you decide to send an angry email I have two words for you.
“Spell Check”

Q: Dear Sir

Your continued diatribe concerning the “ongoing” NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans is nothing short of rebel rousing, which I have come to expect from redneck southerners such as yourself.
However wouldn’t you think if there was anything to the “so called” allegations that the NCAA would have acted upon them? Or is that concept to difficult for you to grasp?

I have covered the University of Southern California Trojans throughout the Pete Carroll era and I can assure you, Coach Pete Carroll runs the cleanest program in College Football and the oversight provided by Athletic Director Mike Garrett is without equal.

Perhaps you continue to spout these lies about Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California because the good ole southern teams can’t hang with the Trojans.

Whatever the delusional reasoning you subscribe to, please get your facts straight before you continue to attack such noteworthy programs such as the University of Southern California.

Sincerely –
The Sports Editor
The Orange County Register

A: How do you like me now?

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

ESPN: Great idea having the two dumbest announcers on ESPN together for one game!

Jesse Palmer and Craig “My son is a wussy” James together!

The only thing better than listening to them consistently mispronounce player’s names while they make lame observations and stupid jokes for the entire game….
Would have them doing a commercial together for “Hooked on Phonics”

DUKE: I guess hell has frozen over….
The Blue Devils won a football game

But I have to add….
Watching those two Duke students trying to tear down the goal post last Saturday was just sad.

TEXAS A&M: I really think we should hold hands for a while before we get married…

ARMY: Here we go again…..

I pick you to win and you lose…
I pick you to lose and you win…
If this is some Army psychological warfare stunt you are pulling to confuse me…

Its working

OHIO STATE: What the Hell Buckeyes, What the Hell….

NORTH ALABAMA: Great win last Saturday in Cowboys Stadium Lions…
The Florence Lions are for Real this year, Believe it

CLEMSON: I told you so Tiger Fans, Congratulations…

MARSHALL: The “Thundering Herd” is playing more like the “Thundering Turds”

TEXAS: I am so proud of the Mighty Longhorns….

And despite what the stupid referee’s and the weak knee commentators said last week

Mr. Goodwin that was one hell of a hit you put on the California Kid…

Click here to view the embedded video.

WESTERN KENTUCKY: You let a bunch of “Fighting Trees” whip your ass Saturday..
I don’t have anything else to say about that…

COLORADO: Congratulations on beating Colorado State last week….

But shouting “We are Number One!” at the end of the game after you have only won “one” game…
Kind of makes you look silly.
I’m just saying

SOUTH CAROLINA: You all got a little Cocky last week didn’t you?

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

It’s been a while since I talked to you folks….
So I want you have a seat while I drop some knowledge on yo ass.
Last week I was down here at my home in Opp Alabama fishing at my favorite stream listening to all them sports commentators on the radio talking about this realignment and that realignment on some “Super Conferences”.
Let me tell you what I think about all that mess and listen good…

I have lived long enough to learn that if something ain’t broke don’t be trying to fix it.
What do I mean?

There was a time that people of my color produced the best music in the world.
The Temptations
The O’Jays
Motown Records
Sam Cooke
Marvin Gaye

To name but a few…

That was some music there; Lord Yes that was some kind of music and it still is…

Now days they make something that sounds like a cat and a possum fighting in a metal garbage can and they call that music. That ain’t damn music, that ain’t nothing but a lot of damn noise.

What does that have to do with all this talk about “super conferences”, everything…

Because they is all trying to change something for the worse and all it’s going to make is a bunch of noise

You have these universities and colleges running around like elementary school kids playing musical chairs trying to find some kind of better deal and for what?

Because they is a chasing the almighty dollar, that’s why.

They don’t give a hoot about traditional games, rivalries or the alumni and fans.

But they forgot one thing…

Chasing after money won’t never make you happy, or make you a winner.

There wasn’t nothing wrong with the Big 8 and the Southwest Conference either and they broke that up and ran for something better and what did that get them?

So here we are…

Colorado left the Big 12 for the Pacific something or another, only to get their ass kicked by Hawaii. What do they think they is going to do, actually win that Pacific conference title?

I will see my Rottweiler “Daisy” sprout wings and fly before that happens.

Then I heard Pittsburgh, Syracuse and Connecticut is a going to join the Atlantic Coast Conference.
Why, for the money?

You all ain’t a going to win nothing unless Virginia Tech, Georgia Tech, Miami, Florida State, North Carolina and Clemson suddenly decide they don’t want to play football anymore, which ain’t likely to happen.

Then you got them Aggies from Texas A&M that don’t care if they ever play them Texas Longhorns anymore, fans and alumni be damned.

And now Nebraska ain’t never going to play Oklahoma no more.
What does that say about all them folks?

I tell you what it says…

Money is more important than tradition, integrity of the game and the fans of them schools.

And that folks is a crying shame.

THE GAMES

Thursday September 22nd

Murray State at Tennessee Martin
These two teams are right down the road from each other and like a lot of neighbors
They don’t get a long…
RACERS 24-21

Wisconsin Oshkosh at Wisconsin Stout
Oshkosh By Gosh I don’t know how stout the one team is from the Land of Cheese but I’m going with….
WISCONSIN BY GOSH 21-17

Ouachita Baptist at Texas A&M Commerce
Interesting Factoid in this game….
A&M doesn’t want to recognize the Big 12 Conference anymore…
And Baptist don’t recognize each other in Hooter’s or in the Liquor Store
BAPTIST REVIVAL 31-24

North Carolina State at Cincinnati
The Pack of Wolves invades Chili Town…
Gold Star or Skyline, it doesn’t matter; I’m a chili man..
CHILI KATS 28-24

Friday September 23rd

Central Florida at Brigham Young
The Boys from O-Town (Not the defunct Boy Band) come to the Land of Donny and Marie
I am feeling less country and a little more Rock and Roll today…
COUGARS 28-24

Saturday September 24th

Notre Dame at Pittsburgh
Its Rivalry Season in the North!
And you know what that means, another trophy for the winner of this northern matchup.
This Game is played for the Bejeweled Giraffe Turd….
Or at least that’s what it looks like to me.
FIGHTING IRISH 33-17

Central Michigan at Michigan State
The defending Big Ten or Twelve Champions let me down last week.
The mighty Spartans will bounce back at the expense of the Chippewa’s.
Believe it
MEN OF SPARTA 33-28

Toledo at Syracuse
I would watch this game but…
“Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo” will be on TBS at the same time.
It’s time to start Popping and Locking…
ORANGE 34-21

San Diego State at Michigan
The Ancient Aztecs will keep this game closer than you might think…
A Lot closer
WOLVERINES 33-31

Louisiana Monroe at Iowa
I won’t use any clever clichés to describe this game, I will keep it simple.
Monroe is going to get his ass kicked between his shoulder blades.
HAWKEYES 38-13

Newberry at Carson Newman
I prefer Mayberry over “new” Berry
For one simple reason..
I bet they don’t have an Ernest T. Bass in “new” Berry
Enough Said
SPARKS EAGLES 38-24

Eastern Michigan at Penn State
Joe Pa has got a “mean on” and you know what that means…
(No not that and you should be ashamed for thinking that’s what I meant)
It means….
Somebody is going to get a geriatric ass kicking
JOE PA’S LIONS 33-17

Southern Methodist at Memphis
My Proud Ponies invades the Land of Elvis and takes the Tigers to Heartbreak Hotel
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-17

Georgia at Ole Miss
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt….
This week I don’t
SIC EM DAWGS 28-17

Temple at Maryland
I would watch this gridiron matchup, really I would…
But there is a VH1 “Behind the Music” Special on Flock of Seagulls
Those guys had funny hair
FIGHTING (UGLY UNIFORMED) TURTLES 38-21

Bowling Green at Miami (OH)
This rivalry in the Buckeye State is played annually for the coveted…
“Petrified Otter Pelt of Love”
Maybe it’s just me…
But I wouldn’t want to touch that damn thing
FALCONS 33-31

Presbyterian at Furman
The Blue Ho’s take on Chewbacca University in this match-up
(I’m sorry that sounded nasty)
FURRYMAN 28-24

Duquesne at Marist
If you say these two schools out loud in quick succession, you will spit on yourself
Not that it matters
That Marist is a Fox
RED FOXES 24-21

Massachusetts at Boston College
I was going to watch this game but I plan on going to Funky Town
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 33-17

Portland State at Texas Christian
Welcome to Texas!
Now please step over there and get your Horned Frog ass whipping
HORNED FROGS 43-10

Defiance at Franklin
Why is this college so “defiant”?
Sounds like they have an anger management problem
FRANK’S FRANKS 24-17

Juniata at Franklin Marshall
O’ So NOW Franklin decides to use his last name!
Who does he think he is anyway?
And why does he have two colleges?
I hope Juanita kicks his smart ass…
J-LO 24-21

Army at Ball State
O.K. Army….
Here we go again…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 28-24

Ohio at Rutgers
I have gone against the Bobcats two of the last three weeks and lost each time…
I won’t make the same mistake this week
FRANK’S BOBCATS 33-31

Youngstown State at Indiana State
This game features Penguins and Fighting Trees…
Sounds like the Canadian version of the “Wizard of Oz”
FIGHTING TREES 33-17

Tennessee State at Air Force
Big John’s Tigers are going to be bombed in Colorado Springs
This game is going to be uglier than Wynona Judd in a polyester pant suit
MIGHTY FALCONS 43-10

Southern Miss at Virginia
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!
That’s right, I said it
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

Chattanooga at Appalachian State
The Mighty Moc’s are a decent football team, but the Mountaineers are just a little bit better
This one could go either way…
MOUNTAINEERS 24-21

Gustavus Adolphus at St Olaf
The most notable thing about this game, other than these are two northern colleges, is the nonsensical “fight” song of St. Olaf entitled “Um Ya Ya”

“Um Ya Ya”
We come from St. Olaf, we sure are the real stuff.
Our team is the cream of the colleges great.
We fight fast and furious, our team is injurious.
Tonight Carleton College will sure meet its fate.

Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya Ya

Don’t feel bad, I didn’t get it either….
FIGHTING OLE’S 21-17

Arkansas at Alabama
This game is going to be a slugfest between two outstanding teams.
Don’t leave your seat; this may come down to the last play of the game.
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

Western Michigan at Illinois
If the Pumpkins look past these Broncos they will get kicked in the teeth
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 33-28

UAB at East Carolina
It has been reported that the “Blazers” in an effort to secure sponsorship have agreed to a limited partnership with “The Men’s Warehouse”, which seems like a natural match.
Not that it’s all that important here…
PIRATES 34-10

Catawba at Tusculum
If you say both of these schools names quickly you will cough up something unpleasant.
I’m just saying…
HOCK A LOOGIE 23-17

South Dakota at Wisconsin
This game is going to be uglier than Wynonna Judd in string bikini
BEHOLD THE POWER OF PASTEURIZED CHEESE WHIZ 49-0

EDITORS NOTE: If it makes you feel any better that visual made me throw up too.

Tulane at Duke
I wish I cared I really do…
But these two schools combined couldn’t beat Hoover High School in Hoover Alabama
And that’s a fact
DEVILS are BLUE 23-17

Virginia Tech at Marshall
The Mighty Turkeys of Tech are going to tame the “not so Thundering” Herd
Believe it
HOKEY POKEY 38-10

Colorado at Ohio State
I never thought I would be saying this about the Buckeyes.
This is a MUST win for them, or this season is a wash
BUCKEYES 24-17

California at Washington
In an effort to motivate the California Bears Football team the coaches have instituted a “new” pregame tradition by having the players smell each other’s hands, which I think is beyond weird.
BIG DOGS 31-28

UCLA at Oregon State
The Bruins are Brewed out and that’s a fact
MIGHTY BEAVERS 28-17

Harding at North Alabama
The Florence Lions are Roaring and Harding still lives in his Mother’s basement
Enough Said..
MIGHTY LIONS 34-17

New Mexico State at San Jose State
If Lasso Larry lassos Jose is that considered to be a hate crime?
I’m just asking…
LASSO LARRY 31-21

Fresno State at Idaho
There is nothing like the Idaho half time show….
Who doesn’t want to see the “Ida Honkies” perform?
My point exactly…
BULLDOGS 24-17

Sam Houston State at New Mexico
Sam Houston is the Hero of San Jacinto and he was an underdog in that one too.
BIG SAM 28-24

Louisiana Lafayette at Florida International
U La La is going to be introduced to the “real” Hilton…
That kid is the real deal…
PANTHERS 31-17

Western Carolina at Georgia Southern
I still think “catamounts” sounds like something nasty is going on at the Taxidermist
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-17

Connecticut at Buffalo
I know exactly what you are thinking about this game…
And I agree completely.
I don’t care either
HUSKIE’S 21-17

Rice at Baylor
This old Southwest Conference Rivalry used to have some dandy games between them.
Remember the Southwest Conference?
Yeah, they broke up to form the Big 12
I still miss the SWC..
BEARS 33-17

Incarnate Word at West Texas A&M
Why do they think they are the only people with the “incarnate word”?
Who do they think they are Bobby Bowden?
Talk about arrogant….
WEST TEXAS BUFFALOS 24-10

Eureka College at Presentation
Eureka this one college sounds like it’s the school of PowerPoint Presentations!
EUREKA I FOUND IT! 23-17

North Dakota State at Minnesota
I have never seen a Gopher whip a Bison but I have seen a spider monkey ride a goat.
And before you ask….
“Yes” I am that easily entertained
O’ SO very GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-17

Florida Atlantic at Auburn
This game begs the question…
Which one of these drunken birds is going to hit the Plexiglas in the skyboxes first?
The Owl or the War Eagle?
WAR DAMN EAGLE 43-10

Louisiana Tech at Mississippi State
This is an excellent time to remind you all…
That you can never have enough Cowbell

Click here to view the embedded video.

BULLY DOGS 34-10

Vanderbilt at South Carolina
Both teams are Undefeated….
(Yes I said both teams are undefeated)
This one will be closer than you might imagine
GAMECOCKS 28-24

Florida at Kentucky
The Cats get skinned by the Gators and that’s no Joke
MIGHTY GATORS 38-17

Oklahoma State at Texas A&M
Now I know why A&M wants to leave the Big 12….
They don’t like the Prairie Wind touching them in the naughty place
COWBOY UP! 33-17

Nevada at Texas Tech
Woooo Hooooo! Coach Tommy Tub adds another win to his weak-ass non conference schedule!
That means you are one step closer to that all important Dulcolax Suppository Bowl Bid!
GET THOSE SUPPOSITORY’S UP RED RAIDERS!
RED RAIDERS 43-38

Indiana at North Texas
The Loosiers come to beautiful Denton Texas….
I wouldn’t call this an “Upset Special”
Because it won’t be
MEAN GREEN 24-17

UTEP at South Florida
To the best of my knowledge I haven’t seen any mines or miners in Tampa…
But I have seen some Yankees in Clearwater Beach that looked like Moby Dick.
The locals kept pushing them back in the water and telling them “Be Free! Be Free!”
And “Yes” I have pictures to prove it…
BULLS 33-10

Black Hills State at North Dakota
This one is for the NCAA Politically Correct Speech Police
FIGHTING SIOUX FIGHTING SIOUX FIGHTING SIOUX! 41-10

Montana State at Eastern Washington
The Eagles fell to the Grizzlies of Montana last week, that trend continues on Saturday
BOBCATS 31-10

Nebraska at Wyoming
The Cowboys surprised us all last week by actually winning a game
(I was certainly shocked)
But the Children of the Corn are coming to town this Saturday
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 234-0

Missouri at Oklahoma
This Old Big 8 rivalry is played for the Tiger-Sooner Peace Pipe….
Not to be confused with the Willie Nelson Hookah Pipe.
BOOMER SOONERS 34-17

Colorado State at Utah State
The Rams get Rammed by the Aggies
Believe it
AGGIES 28-24

Georgia State at Houston
Bill Curry get’s eaten by a Cougar in H-Town.
I don’t know about you, but I would pay good money to see that..
MIGHTY COUGARS 44-10

Tulsa at Boise State
The Golden Hurricanes can’t generate enough wind to classify as a decent fart
MIGHTY BRONCO’S 44-0

Montana at Sacramento State
Only one thing to say here….
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 38-17

Southern California at Arizona State
The Sun Devils are the favored team in this game and I was perplexed as to which team to pick.
So I asked my Black Lab “Doc” who he thought would win.
He looked at the computer screen for about a minute and then licked his butt….
That’s good enough for me
LAME KITTEN’S TROJANS 24-21

Oregon at Arizona
I had almost the same reaction as “Doc” when I saw these two teams…
So I will go with..
QUACKERS 28-17

Florida State at Clemson
This one will be close, real close…
It could go either way, so don’t leave your seats
SEMINOLES 33-28

North Carolina at Georgia Tech
The Rambling Wreck just keeps on Rambling
YELLOW JACKETS 33-24

Kansas State at Miami
Recent TSA regulations prevents the Wildcat faithful from bringing Bill Snyder’s petrified body on the team airplane as a “carry on” to meet the Hurricanes.
That being said, they have no motivation to win the game, sorry
HURRICANES 34-10

LSU at West Virginia
Only the Bayou Tigers can’t prevent Couch Fires this Saturday
Consider this to be my Public Service Announcement for the Week
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-10

Sunday September 25th

California Davis at Hawaii
For those of you wondering about this game in Hawaii
I have the answer you have been waiting for…
Dog the Bounty Hunter will return to the A&E Network this fall on Wednesday Nights

I enjoy ending the picks on a happy note

WARRIORS BOUNTY HUNTING ON RAINBOWS 43-17

Enjoy your games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

While the Auburn Tigers are rowing up the River of Denial and the Ohio State Buckeyes are self imposing and publically self abusing themselves, the Ducks of the University of Oregon are happily paddling with their cute little webbed feet in the NCAA pond of poop.

I know many of you Ducks fans will cry fowl at what I am about write.

EDITORS NOTE: Before you ask, yes I can do these puns all day…

But as you may recall it was reported some months ago by yours truly that the University of Oregon was “paying” for a recruiting service to, as the University Athletic Department described, “To screen and evaluate athletes for the University of Oregon’s Football Program”.

And by “screen” the high school athletes, they actually meant “steer the high school athletes to the University of Oregon football program by any means possible”.

EDITORS NOTE: I know, screen and steer are so close to each other in the dictionary it’s like the words are interchangeable, am I right?

Then of course we read that the $25, 000 Dollar payment for the “2011 National Recruiting Package” only covered four states and it didn’t have anything to do with any potential college recruits from 2011.

Say what? Four states are a “National” recruiting report?

To make this story even funnier, if that’s possible, the “recruiting package” didn’t arrive until four months after the first check was cashed for the “service” and not so coincidentally it arrived days after a media enquiry requesting information on the 25K “service”.

Let’s not get into the pesky argument that high school game films and other material were “supposed” to have been included in this “National Recruiting Package”, because they weren’t.

We are all grown-ups who pay taxes and buy our own toilet paper so let’s not do the duck dance of the sugar plum fairies on this topic.

Will Lyles of the “recruiting service” was paid by the Oregon Athletic Department to steer high school athletes to the University of Quack. Mr. Lyles didn’t receive his second installment for his “services” and that is why he eventually started squealing like the little piggy that went to market.

The fact Oregon Coach Chip Kelly lied about his association with Mr. Lyles only compounds this issue and brings into question the coach’s character, integrity and the University’s commitment to those values.

But then again, wasn’t this the same coach that reinstated Oregon leading rusher LaGarrette Blount after he sucker punched a Boise State player after the Quacks lost the game to the Broncos?
That “indefinite suspension” lasted only 67 days. It was long enough to make even Phil Fulmer proud.

Then of course we have the little issue…..
with starting Oregon Cornerback and All-American Return Specialist Cliff Harris…..

You might remember that he was cited for driving on a suspended license in a rental car that wasn’t rented in his name at over 118 miles an hour at 0435 in the morning.

Oregon Coach Chip Kelly said in a statement that the team was disappointed by Harris’ lack of judgment, which he called unacceptable.

EDITORS NOTE: Those are pretty harsh words Coach!
Wow…”Disappointed” AND “Unacceptable”? OUCH!

Coach Kelly went on to say…..

“Once we have finished collecting all the information in this situation, we will determine the appropriate action”

Let me help you out here Coach……

Since the vehicle wasn’t in his name, then who allowed him to drive it?

It was another University of Oregon employee that “rented” the vehicle that Harris was driving.

EDITORS NOTE: Say, isn’t that an NCAA violation for Impermissible benefits?
You might want to get the NCAA on the phone (again) with this one Coach

Did I mention there were other Orgon Ducks players in the car with Mr. Harris?

Never mind

I can’t help but wonder, since the vehicle wasn’t in Harris’ name and he had a suspended driver’s license, then why didn’t the Oregon State police NOT tow the vehicle and take Mr. Harris to jail?

This of course also means he was also driving the vehicle without auto insurance, which in case you didn’t know, is reason alone to have the rental vehicle towed and the state of Oregon to fine the web feet off that respective duck.

That should have been a given, because that is the LAW…..

EDITORS NOTE: I am sure that Mr. Harris’s standing as a proud member of the Oregon Duck Football team had nothing to do with this, right?

Before you Oregon Duck fans get your tail feathers all ruffled, Coach Kelly “indefinitely suspended” Cliff Harris from the football team. And by “indefinitely suspended” I mean almost thirty days.

So to put all the Ducks in a row here…

The University of Oregon has an out of control booster in “NIKE” Knight

College football players that flaunt the law and the NCAA rules

A Head Football Coach that doesn’t mind lying and violating NCAA Rules

An Athletic Director that clearly hasn’t seen a newspaper or read the internet on anything to do with his athletic programs, that is unless NIKE wants him too.

So what’s the difference between the University of Oregon and the Ohio State University?

The difference my fine feathered friends is quite simply this:

The Ohio State University Buckeyes are trying to clean up their embarrassing mess

The University of Oregon Ducks are choosing to lie and scam their way out of their mess

Somewhere Phil Fulmer is smiling…..

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

As promised….
It is time to take a closer look at the 2010 National Champion Auburn Tigers
and the “ongoing” Investigation by the NCAA into Cam Newton

Enjoy….

Let’s take a look at the latest developments, shall we?

Long time Auburn Board of Trustee and Dictator Emeritus Bobby Lowder recently announced that he would voluntarily “retire” from the Auburn Board of Trustees.

What makes this interesting is this is the very same man who sued the State of Alabama and various Governors to “stay” on the Board, despite the fact it’s an appointed position.

In other words, just because you are the universities richest booster doesn’t entitle you a lifetime seat on the board of the university trustees or the “right” to run roughshod over the other trustees and treat the university like your own personal playground.

So, why the sudden change of heart?

After all, Bobby has hired and fired coaches, athletic directors and presidents at Auburn over the last twenty plus years and some would say he is the money behind the Cam Newton scandal.

Terry Bowden and Tommy Tuberville can I get an Amen?

He even fired an Auburn college student who was the editor of the schools newspaper because the student had the unmitigated gall to write an editorial that although didn’t mention Bobby Lowder by name it stated that “One man shouldn’t run this academic institution”.

So we are supposed to believe that Ole Bobby is just going to give up his seat and walk away.

We will return to this in a moment….

But in the meantime let’s take a look at Auburn Coach Gene Chizik’s “new” contract

It’s not uncommon for a head football coach to receive a new contract or a bonus after having the kind of season the Auburn Tigers had in 2010. But what is interesting apart from the 1.8 million dollar raise is the language in the “new” contract.

EDITORS NOTE: I find it ironic that the Head Coach got a raise at the end of the season and Cam Newton had to take a pay cut by going to the NFL.

Coach Chizik’s initial contract stated that Auburn University could suspend all but $500,000 of his pay during an internal investigation SEC or NCAA Investigation and if no major violations were found to have occurred then he would be paid what he was owed, plus interest.

His new contract…….

States that he will be paid regardless of an investigation, like the one that is ongoing now by the NCAA and assuming he is found negligent or accountable for any wrong doing in the investigation, he will still get paid. Unless of course the university decides to use him as a sacrificial lamb and then Coach Chizik gets a rather substantial “buyout”.

Simply put…..
His old contract stated that his pay could be suspended if the football program was under investigation. His new contract says that his pay can’t be suspended if they are investigated. Make sense?

Now let’s look at some comparisons between two recent Heisman Trophy Winners

Quote by Mike Garrett, “former” USC Athletic Director regarding the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California Trojans.

“We have looked into the issue and there isn’t anything to it”

Quote by Jay Jacobs Auburn University Athletic Director regarding the NCAA Investigation into Cam Newton and the Auburn University Tigers.

“We have exhausted our resources and feel confident there isn’t anything to the allegations”

Quote by “Saint” Pete Carroll “former” USC Head Football Coach regarding the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California Trojans.

“We have looked into it and I feel confident there is nothing to it”

Quote by Coach Gene Chizik current Auburn University Head Football Coach Director regarding the NCAA Investigation into Cam Newton and the Auburn University Tigers.

“These allegations are garbage”

Quote by Reggie Bush “former” Heisman Trophy winner from the Southern Californian Trojans

“Man this is all junk I didn’t take no money from nobody”

Quote by Cam Newton current Heisman Trophy winner from Auburn University

“My parents do a lot of things behind the scenes to help me that nobody sees”

So why did long time Auburn Trustee and Dictator Emeritus Bobby Lowder voluntarily leave the post he “owned” on the Auburn University Board of Trustees?

Because the heat is coming, that’s why.

Why did Coach Gene Chizik have the “new” language placed into his contract?
Because it’s coming folks, it’s coming.

There is more to come on this topic…..
So stay tuned….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

We are going to take quick break from the Soap Opera that has become College Football:
To provide a Summer Safety Tip for all my loyal readers….

We will return later with tales from the Plains of Auburn….
The potential reemergence of Fat Phil Fulmer as the University of Tennessee Athletic Director
And attempt to solve the mystery of whatever happened to the Reggie Bush’s Heisman Trophy and discuss the 2004 (vacated) National Championship.

And yes, we will have more on the ongoing saga in Buckeye Land….

Enjoy…

As I have chronicled in other articles, there are a lot of things in this life I simply don’t understand.

And one of those things is the commercials they show on television.

I know many of you find some of them amusing and I do too, but I am not talking about the Budweiser Clydesdales here. I am talking about those commercials that knowingly deceive you with their smooth delivery and false promises.

More specifically I am talking about the laxative commercials.

At the end of each commercial regardless of the product the announcer always says….
“For gentle natural relief” of constipation……

I don’t know about you but I haven’t experienced anything “gentle” or “natural” from those products.

And the makers of the products always give them a name that will give you the impression that the product are indeed “gentle and natural” and they cover the label with butterflies and lilies to further the ruse.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think in the name of fairness and accuracy you should rename your product “Butt Splatter” (although I think it would be more appropriate in most cases)

All I am saying here is be honest about your product.

And anyone out there who has ever taken or been forced to take castor oil knows exactly what I mean.

Forty five minutes after a tablespoon of that vile substance which tastes like a mercury flavored city bus tailpipe, you need to be where you need to be and God forbid if you stub your toe, or drop your keys.

Because any sudden movement or jarring can cause….

How can I put this gently?

It will cause a sudden drop in the atmospheric condition as they say on the weather channel.
And not in a “good way”

Does that sound “gentle and natural” to you?

I think this is what Bob Seger was warning us about in his song “Fire down below”

Castor oil is nature’s liquid plumber and it will unclog your drain pipes faster than you can yell…
“Are we out of damn toilet paper?”

And to make matters worse, the warning label on castor oil isn’t accurate or helpful either.

It has one warning: “Don’t take more than eight tablespoons of castor oil in a twenty four hour period. “

Good Lord you call that a warning!

That’s the equivalent of saying “Don’t play touch football while blindfolded on the interstate”

How about something helpful, like….
“Don’t take castor oil with ill prepared Mexican food or you may experience immediate results”

“Do not take castor oil before bedtime along with a sleeping aid or you may experience dreams of playing in a natural mud bath, which unfortunately will be an ugly reality upon awakening.”

Those kind of warnings are helpful.

I would write more, but I think I need to set down…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It would appear that I have struck a nerve or two with last week’s commentaries.

I hope you enjoy the letters of the week…..

Today is the 67th Anniversary of D-Day

June 6 1944……

May we always remember and honor the courage of those brave men…

Enjoy….

EMAIL LETTERS OF THE WEEK

Sir –

I don’t know how I did it, but I have stumbled across something you may be interested in.
I was calling my Aunt Lucille up in Indiana the other day and I got a wrong number.
Boy, you don’t know how wrong it was.
You can’t say nothing and tell anybody who told you this, but I got the NCAA Violations Department Self Reporting Hotline!!!
Yep! And boy you wouldn’t believe what all they ask you. Here’s how it went:

Ring…Ring…Ring
“Welcome to the National Collegiate Athletics Associations Self Reporting Hotline”

To report a minor violation, press 1

To report a major violation, press 2

To report a lack of institutional control, press 3

If your name is Bobby Bowden, press 4

If you are an obviously guilty SEC school, press 5 to be transferred directly to the penalty committee.

If you are a PAC 10 or Big 10 Institution of Higher Learning who always follows the rules, press 6 to receive a sound scolding.

Well, I was scared as heck when I heard all this that I just hung up and didn’t go no further.
I thought I better send this stuff to somebody smart like you.
So, I think you need to check into this so you can let everybody know just what those crooks at the NCAA are doing. Hurry and call those folks and let us know what’s going on!!!

Go Dawgs!!!

Lemuel in Ludowici.

EDITORS NOTE: Somehow this doesn’t surprise me…..

Dear Mister Wizard Man

Since you helped that other feller out with his wife’s female doctor appointment, I got me a question for you. My wife and I live in Stockton Alabama in a previously owned double wide trailer with an above ground swimming pool in the back yard. Yes sir, life is good.

Auburn is the By God National Champions…..

My brother in law just graduated from taxidermy school…

My sister is a licensed beautician in the State of Alabama…

Now you might think with all that I have going for me that I ain’t got no problems, right?

Wrong!

I don’t know how to say it, so I will just spit it out…..
My Mother in Law has got the ugliest feet on planet earth.

The older she has gotten the more gnarled her toes look.
They all kind of cross over one another and I tell you, them toes of hers look like a cross between a gorillas foot and a pterodactyl‘s claw.

So we all get together around my above ground swimming pool on the weekends and just seeing them gnarled up toes of hers in sandals makes me want to throw up.

But I don’t know what to say without causing a family fuss, you know what I mean?
What do think I should do Wizard Man?
Sincerely
Leonard – Stockton, Alabama

EDITORS NOTE: I am referring this letter of inquiry to Hootie Snitch…
For deliberation and commentary….
He has far more experience in such matters, plus I don’t want to see any pictures.

Dear CFB Wizard –

It is with great despair that I come to you with the news of Jim Tressel’s resignation.
I know that you may have heard this already, but I don’t know how the earth will continue to turn without this iconic figure roaming the sidelines of the Ohio State football fields.

I wince when I think of the void to be left by his departure.

In fact I was involved in an interview, speaking of Jimmy, and shed tears over this course of events. I am also simply outraged that there are people that can’t see that if THE Ohio State University is involved in the undercurrents of chicanery involving student athletes then the world must have almost spun off its axis.

I know that Lou Holz shed a tear and spewed a sputum filled expectorate of anguish himself.
We will attempt to continue to give our most objective analysis of college football events as ever, but, rest assured. Our love for the “Coach” is undying.

Mark May
ESPN / ABC Sports

EDITORS NOTE: Sounds like somebody needs a hug…..

Dear Sir-
I would like to use your website as a forum to get my story out.
Contrary to what has been reported by the Columbus Dispatch, I DID NOT RESIGN, GET FIRED, OR QUIT!!!!
I am an omnipotent being.

After months of trials and tribulations I thought it in the best interest of THE Ohio State University to make a change at the top.
With that in mind, I thought it would be in the best interest of the University to claim my place as the NEW President, Athletic Director, Football coach, and Supreme Overlord of THE Ohio State University.
I typed up and submitted for release, the following statement:
“After meeting with university officials, we agreed that it is in the best interest of Ohio State that I retain my position as head football coach and furthermore take over by bloodless coup the positions of President and Athletic Director. The recent situation has been a distraction for our great university and I make this decision for the greater good of our school.”

Little did anyone know that during that fateful news conference months ago, that the little minion, Gordon Gee, spoke the truth when he stated that he hoped that I didn’t fire him. After reviewing the entire situation carefully, I found that only one person could navigate this prestigious, pious, and upstanding institution through the rocky times that are to come.

If you noticed past news reports, the clause in my contract that called for my dismissal if there was evidence of wrong-doing or impropriety. Was I dismissed? No.

There was a compliance letter that I signed last year that stated that I knew of no indiscretions by my saintly players. Those two pieces of valuable evidence, therefore, prove that I am without sin. Should you need absolution for any indiscretions yourself, please feel free to come to my office for forgiveness and sanctity.

Sincerely,
Jim Tressel
President, Athletic Director, AND Head Football Coach
THE Ohio State University.

EDITORS NOTE: I am surprised he didn’t use the word “King” anywhere in the letter.

Dear Sir –
As Athletic Director of THE Ohio State University I am deeply alarmed by the unfolding events within our beloved football program. As you already know, we here at THE Ohio State University have always run a pristine, squeaky clean program with one of the largest compliance departments that is second to none.

This has enabled us to not only provide a quality education to our student athletes but to also have the privilege of being able to point accusatory fingers at other, less prominent, and less upstanding programs mostly from a conference that I won’t mention by name.
I will give you a hint. It rhymes with “mouth beastern”.
And here’s one more. It’s a direction that is opposite of Northwestern, but, not like the school.
So, as I was saying, it is obvious that there is a huge problem.

This problem is obviously not THE Ohio State University, so it must be the system from which we operate.
It is with this in mind that I think we should go ahead and IMMEDIATELY give stipends to student athletes so that we will be able to come “out of the closet”, so to speak, and then we won’t have to suspend our coach or players next year.

Of course, Mr Tressell and the others would be granted waivers due to the fact that we are such a prestigious institution, unlike players and coaches from other Universities, who I won’t mention. But they rhyme with porgia and Lawburn and Sama and Rennerree. Oh, and Snorida Snate.

I am seeking your wise counsel and your site as a forum for somewhat of a “sounding board” to gauge the interest of the general populace and peasantry.

Sincerely
THE Gene Smith
THE Athletic Director
THE Ohio State University

EDITORS NOTE: This letter almost made me pee on myself….

You Putrid Miscreant,

In case you don’t know me, let me introduce myself. I am the grand, and esteemed Robert Lowder. I am the most powerful man in Alabama, some would say. Nay says I.
I am the most powerful man in the world. I am a God!!!!

Underlings kneel beneath my feet and kiss the ground I walk on.

The reason I am writing is to clear up the many misconceptions surrounding my recent departure from the Auburn University Board of Trustees. It has been reported in some publications that I was “ousted” by that no good, Anniston scalawag, Bob Marsh.
He calls himself an Auburn man, but in reality he is a conniving, deceitful, Judas.

No, I saw that due to the ungratefulness of some in my beloved Auburn “Family” that it was time for me to step down. Although I was the CEO of a large, profitable, failing, financial institution I felt it in the best interest of all to leave the post I have served so diligently for so many years.

I can’t believe it myself. I personally bought a National Championship trophy for us last year.
I have paid for countless players over the years with my benevolence.
Yet, time after time the misinformed have attacked me.
I am ashamed.
Ashamed that those who know not the power of Robert Lowder; “The King Maker”.

So, I will go back to my humble roots, attempt to buy a few jurors, and bide my time until those that have mocked me see the error of their ways.

Bobby Lowder, Esquire
Lord of the Universe
Auburn, ALA-DAMN-BAMA!!!

EDITORS NOTE: Emperor or not, I am coming for you Bobby….

Dear Sir –
First, I would like for you to know that I and my colleagues will no longer tolerate your senseless attacks based on half truths and innuendos.

As a falsely accused victim of your vicious attacks, I have formed an organization to combat your vile, vitriolic, rumor induced insanity.

Among the charter members of my organization are, Mr Terrell Pryor, Mr Cam “Cammie Cam” Newton, Mr Reggie Bush, and the ever popular Phil Fulmer.

We call ourselves CRYBABY – Citizens Retaliating against Your Baseless And Banal Yacking. Guys United In Lambasting and Tolerating You (GUILTY) is another organization similar to ours and based on the West Coast. Among its noted members are Lane Kiffin, Pete Carroll, and Reggie Bush.
Reggie was so angry that he joined both organizations.

We have pooled our resources and aim to protest your home offices, if we can ever find them, and attack and deface your website with some of the best computer hacker’s money can buy.
We will not tolerate you lies any longer. You started the war, but, we will finish it.

Sincerely,
Jim Tressell
STILL the Head Coach of Ohio State University.

EDITORS NOTE: Frankly….
I am little surprised Bobby Lowder isn’t President of your little Club?

Dear CFB Wizard –

For your information Phil Knight and Nike have done nothing wrong in leasing university of Oregon property to build whatever he wants.

IF he had done anything wrong I can assure you that lawyers from all over the planet would have descended on Eugene Oregon to put a stop to such foolishness.

And anyway, who cares how many millions he spends at Oregon?

Your assumption that anything is less that above board at the University of Oregon and with Nike is misplaced and irresponsible.

Sincerely –
Rupert Stiltskin, Eugene Oregon

EDITORS NOTE: Somewhere in Vietnam…..
A kid is reading this article that is sewing shoes for a dollar a day for Nike and saying..
“What the Hell?”

Stay Tuned there is more to come….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

As you may know….

I am currently on an extended sabbatical before the start of the 2011 College Football Season.

It would appear from the variety of emails I receive I am not the only one who is awaiting the start of the new season. Or maybe the emails are a result of the full moon.

In either case enjoy the latest from the CFB Wizard email bag.

Your latest news from the College Football World will be out next week.

Enjoy

EMAIL Q and A

Q: Dear Doctor Wizard –

I got me a question that I need me an answer too.

My wife Geraldine, Miss Tooter to everybody around here, well she has her one of them medical appointments that’s just for women.

The problem is that she wants me to go with her.

Now I will be the first to tell you that I don’t know why a woman has to have a poop smear.

But I can tell you I damn sure don’t want to be in there when they is a doing it!

And I ain’t cleaning it up neither!

Hell, I couldn’t even change a diaper when we had our young’uns.
Makes me want to throw up just a thinking about that smell.

But if I tell Miss Tooter I can’t go to her poop smear then she will get meaner than a snapping turtle.
What should I do?

Dennis “Big Cricket” Davis
Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Congratulations, I am finally speechless………

Q: Dear CFB Wizard –

I hope yo ass is happy. Now I ain’t got no job.
Reggie Bush, New Orleans, Louisiana

A: Or a Heisman Trophy or a National Championship Ring…….

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –

My family and I are trying to cut back on expenses and I was wondering:
Can you cut your children’s hair with a “Flow-Bee”? It works like a charm on our dogs and even the Cats! (But they will scratch the heck out of you when you turn the machine on them!)

Thanks and War Damn Eagle!
Marge – Opelika, Alabama

A: I would encourage you and other Auburn faithful to do just that.
It sends a message that you are comfortable being “you”.
And please consider (while you are looking to maximize your budget) to try brushing your teeth with the Garden Weasel and be sure and use the screwdriver attachment for that pesky tarter.

Q: Hey Wizard Man!

We are a writing you from the heart of Big Orange Country, right here in Knoxville Tennessee!
We was a hoping you could settle a bet between some of us boys where we is a working.
If Coach Phil Fulmer and Wynona Judd was to fight who would win?

The Boys – Big 10 Tire, Knoxville, Tennessee

A: We all lose Boys……..Hence tsunamis

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard

As a Native American Indian and a leading advocate to change Native American NCAA mascots, I am appalled at your stance and insensitivity concerning this hurtful issue.

I encourage you to become more sensitive to the Native American peoples this coming season.
Please join us in banning these insensitive and hurtful images

Sincerely-
Chief Juniper Stink-Eye

A: Seriously, your name is Chief Stink-Eye?
I guess that beats being called Bobby Butthole.

Q: Howdy CFB Wizard!

I have a “little” problem and I hope you can give me some advice on what to do.

I live in Los Angeles and I have the nickname “Chaps” because I live a cowboy lifestyle.
I wear a Cowboy hat and Chaps to work (I work at Radio Shack off Wilshire Boulevard) and I wear Chaps cologne and even carry Chap-stick in my pants pocket.

Also I am a fan of both the Dallas Cowboys and Wyoming Cowboys and I am the current President of the Cowboy Copas Fan Club (International)

My question is this: Do you think I am over the top with my dedication to the cowboy lifestyle?

Happy Trails
Stephen – Los Angeles, California

A: Admit it Stephen…..
You are a closet Southern California Trojan fan in a Village People Cover band aren’t you?

Q: Dear Wizard Man

Let me ask you something Mister.
Why is it that you always find something to pick at about the University of Tennessee?
They is only the greatest sports teams ever in the history of sports teams.

We got that lady that won all that female basket ball stuff, who I can’t think of her name cause I don’t watch it. But it don’t matter cause they win everything there is to win! HA!

Then we got Coach Phil “Greatest Coach EVER” Fulmer that won about 20 National Hotdog eating Championships in a Damn Row! Ever heard of him?
I ain’t never seen a human being eat like that, it look like one of them video shows “When Animals Attack”.

Now we got us Coach Dereck “By God” Droolly and we stole him right from them damn Dogs in Georgia! HA! We got other sports too at Tennessee and we beat everybody’s ass in them sports too!

So why you so damn a writing about them all the time, jealous? HA!

Robert “June Bug” Craver

A: Let me guess….
You have a degree in English from the University of Tennessee am I right?

Q: Dear Sir –

Is there any truth to the internet rumor that the Great Coach Phil Fulmer will return to the University of Tennessee as the Athletic Director? I think he would bring the University back to the Championship stage and prove to be a great compliment to the tradition and pageantry that is the Beacon on the Hill.

Sincerely – Fhil Pulmer, Maryville, Tennessee

A: Nice try Dumbass………
I haven’t wadded through that much bull crap since I went to my last cattle auction.

Q: Hey there Football Wizard!

Without college football I got to tell you there ain’t a damn thing worth watching on television!

I don’t like basketball or baseball and I don’t understand hockey because I never lived in Canada.
Watching a bunch of people wearing sunglasses playing cards ain’t a damn sport!

And I will tell you something else….
Those people on ESPN are smoking crack if they think watching somebody ride a damn bicycle is exciting. It’s worse than watching golf, if that’s possible.

Have you ever tried watching one of them “reality” shows?
My God it will make your damn head pop clean off your shoulders!
If I wanted to set around and watch a bunch Yeah-Who’s arguing I would have gone to my wife’s family reunion, you know what I mean?

Thanks for letting me get that out of my system. So how is Georgia looking this year?

Go DAWGS!
Chip – Dahlonega, Georgia

A: I feel your pain Chip……….
The Dawgs will be better than expected but not as good as you would like…..

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard

I know there are brighter days ahead for my beloved Florida State Seminoles, but I still miss watching Coach Bobby wander the sidelines. What has he been up to lately?

Thanks!
GO NOLES!

Chuck – Tallahassee, Florida

A: Coach Bobby is doing the same thing he did the past ten years he coached Chuck.
He wanders around the house aimlessly talking to himself while urinating in Mrs. Bowden’s potted plants.

Q: Dear Mister Wizard

I have a question: My Little boy Jimmy dances every time he hears the Michigan Fight Song and at first it was cute as hell (I admit it).
He would wave his arms around and do this little jig and it was entertaining (I admit it).
But now he is almost sixteen years old and he is still doing the same dance.

Except now when he dances he looks like an octopus that just got tazed.
Frankly it’s just creepy.
Do you have any ideas on how I can detour him from continuing this embarrassing ritual?
Thanks!
GO BLUE
Robert – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: For starters I would take the Modern Bride magazines out of his room and whip his ass and then force him to watch any game the past (How many years?) when the Buckeyes beat the crap out of the wolverines. That will take the steam out of his dancing shoes.

Q: Dear Sir –

I work as an Abe Vigoda impersonator and I am currently unemployed.
Could I work on your CFB Wizard staff?

I could talk to people at games or tailgating and they would think its Abe Vigoda interviewing them!
How Great would that be?

Plus I KNOW how to hold an audience’s attention!
How you may ask? Because I look like Abe Vigoda!
That’s How!
I look forward to hearing back from you!
I am ready to go to work!

Sincerely,
Richard “Abe Vigoda” Pulaski, Las Vegas, Nevada

A: I guess this is a step up from the William Shatner impersonator that wants to work on the staff…
Or maybe not…..

I will have the HR Department with CFB Wizard contact you Richard, but please don’t send us any more pictures and we are returning the ones you sent of yourself in a Speedo.

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard

I respectfully request that you inform your loyal readers particularly those of whom are Florida Gator fans of an important message. I would like to inform those fans who happen to be on the campus of the University of Florida, specifically near the stadium known as “The Swamp”, that touching the Tim Tebow statue in the “naughty place” will not make the blind to see or the lame to walk.

Additionally those people touching the statue in the “naughty place” will not receive three wishes or will from the act of clicking their respective heels together get a vacation to Cancun.

I hope this clears up any confusion.

Sincerely,
The Pope, Rome Italy

PS: How do you think the Fighting Irish will do this year?

A: Thank you your imminence for that timely public service announcement
(Give me a call your holiness and I will give you the low down on the Boys from South Bend)

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

There is some recent news from the NCAA “defending” their decisions concerning Cam Newton of Auburn and the players with Ohio State University that are to be punished next year for this year’s offenses.

I know the legal speak can be difficult to understand.
That’s why you have your Favorite College Football Prognosticator….

I will guide you through what they are saying….

Enjoy and Happy New Year

By The Associated Press

The NCAA defended its recent rulings in violations cases involving Ohio State and Auburn, saying it does not play favorites or make decisions based on financial considerations.

EDITORS NOTES: Before I explain the NCAA statement, I have on good authority the entire message was delivered by the NCAA in a lead proof bunker, as they were concerned with such blatant lies that the entire staff could be struck at anytime by lightning.

“Doesn’t play favorites”? Seriously? Then explain the Reggie Bush investigation?
If they don’t make decisions based on “Financial Considerations”, then why does the Harvard School of Business rate the NCAA as the Number One monopoly in this country ahead of Microsoft?
It’s because it’s ALL about the money.

How much money does the NCAA make with EA Sports alone on the player’s likeness for video games, yet doesn’t feel obligated to share any of the revenues with the players themselves.

In fact they make so many billions (yes, I said Billions) of dollars the NCAA cannot produce a financial report of any note detailing where and how much revenue they accumulate

The NCAA Statement continues…

The NCAA posted a statement on its website Wednesday responding to critics. It says “the notion that the NCAA is selective with its eligibility decisions and rules enforcement is another myth with no basis in fact.

EDITORS NOTES: Myth? So we are supposed to believe the NCAA isn’t selective in their enforcements? Really?

Well here are a few facts for you Jackass……

Not that long ago…..
Florida State University was forced to forfeit games and relinquish scholarships because of an academic scandal, yet these same offenses were committed by other programs and they didn’t receive any punishment near as harsh as the one leveled against the Seminoles.

The North Carolina Tar Heels had a number of players ruled in eligible prior to the opening game of the season for offenses they committed prior to the season. Other teams were forced to do the same by the NCAA, yet offenses “did” take place this year by the Ohio State Buckeyes and they are allowed to play in “this” years bowl game.

The University of Alabama was placed on probation by the NCAA and threatened with the “Death Penalty” over the Albert Means Investigation. Yet, even in Federal Court, there was no evidence to support that any money was exchanged or any offense had taken place. The NCAA found Alabama guilty even as they said “You have done everything right and dotted all the “I’s” and crossed all the “T’s”, and there is nothing more you (Alabama) as an institution could have done. We are still finding you guilty.”

Then we have…..

The Reggie Bush investigation…..
It took you dumbasses at the NCAA FIVE years to find Reggie’s Momma’s house?

Then there was Southern Cal Trojan Dwayne Jarrett….
Who the NCAA said “he didn’t know he had to pay $4500.00 month in rent for his apartment”

The Right Reverend Cecil Newton lied about trying to sell Cam Newton’s services to Mississippi State and we are to believe he didn’t sell his services elsewhere?

I think I have made my point….

Yeah, I would say they are pretty damn selective with eligibility decisions and rules enforcement and that is no myth.

The NCAA Statement continues…

“Money is not a motivator or factor as to why one school would get a particular decision versus another. Any insinuation that revenue from bowl games in particular would influence NCAA decisions is absurd, because schools and conferences receive that revenue, not the NCAA.”

EDITORS NOTES: Hey Pinocchio, you really expect us to believe money isn’t a motivating factor for the NCAA? The NCAA gets a cut off every T-shirt, hat, football game, television revenue, bowl game and video game. I honestly don’t know which is more insulting….
When the NCAA says “money isn’t a motivating factor” or when they say “We care about the student athlete’s education”

The NCAA Statement continues…

Last week, the NCAA suspended five Ohio State players for five games next season for selling their championship rings, trophies and other memorabilia items, but is allowing them to play in the upcoming Sugar Bowl.
Before the NCAA handed down its penalties, Ohio State officials informed Sugar Bowl organizers that the school was lobbying for the players to be eligible for the Jan. 4 game.
Sugar Bowl executive director Paul Hoolahan told The Columbus Dispatch that he encouraged Ohio State officials to push for the players to be allowed to play against Arkansas.
“I made the point that anything that could be done to preserve the integrity of this year’s game, we would greatly appreciate it,” Hoolahan was quoted was saying in Wednesday’s editions of the newspaper. “That appeal did not fall on deaf ears, and I’m extremely excited about it, that the Buckeyes are coming in at full strength and with no dilution.”

EDITORS NOTES: Integrity? Anytime one of these talking heads starts talking about “Integrity” it’s like asking a prostitute about virginity.

The NCAA Statement continues…

Arkansas athletic director Jeff Long told the AP he had no problem with Hoolahan looking out for the Sugar Bowl.
“He’s the leader of the Sugar Bowl and probably needs to do that,” Long said. “I also don’t think that his lobbying, so to speak, would carry a whole lot of weight with the NCAA when they make their decisions. I don’t mean that with any disrespect to Paul Hoolahan, but I would be surprised if the NCAA took that into consideration when making their decision.”

Last month, the NCAA did not punish Auburn quarterback Cam Newton, even though it ruled his father had solicited money from Mississippi State while that school was recruiting his son.

EDITORS NOTES: You aren’t interested in my opinion here on the Cam Newton “situation” and the NCAA already stated earlier and I quote:

“The NCAA posted a statement on its website Wednesday responding to critics. It says “the notion that the NCAA is selective with its eligibility decisions and rules enforcement is another myth with no basis in fact.”

So let’s go to the rule book shall we, and it states:

“If at any time before or after matriculation in a member institution a student-athlete or any member of his/her family receives or agrees to receive, directly or indirectly, any aid or assistance beyond or in addition to that permitted by the Bylaws of this Conference (except such aid or assistance as such student-athlete may receive from those persons on whom the student is naturally or legally dependent for support), such student-athlete shall be ineligible for competition in any intercollegiate sport within the Conference for the remainder of his/her college career.”

Need I say more?

The NCAA Statement continues…

In the Ohio State case, the NCAA said players — including quarterback Terrelle Pryor and three other starters — had been inadequately educated about the rules and that was a mitigating factor in the case. The NCAA reiterated that point in its statement Wednesday.

EDITORS NOTES: Inadequately educated? Aren’t these boys in college?
Or do they mean like when Southern Cal Trojan Dwayne Jarrett didn’t know he had to pay rent?

It also said bowl games, the postseason and NCAA championships are evaluated differently when determining a student-athletes’ punishment.

EDITORS NOTES: Didn’t the NCAA just contradict their earlier statement on consistency?
Yes, yes they most certainly did………..

The NCAA Statement continues…

“This policy was developed and implemented by the Division I membership, specifically the Division I Committee on Student-Athlete Reinstatement and approved by the Division I Academics/Eligibility/Compliance Cabinet, in 2004,” the statement said.
In the Newton case, the Heisman Trophy winner was allowed to continue playing because there was no evidence that he or Auburn knew about Cecil Newton’s attempts to get Mississippi State to pay $180,000 for his son’s commitment out of junior college.
The NCAA said Wednesday that efforts are being made to strengthen rules “when benefits or money are solicited (but not received).”

EDITORS NOTES: “No Evidence”?
Where does the NCAA get their “investigators” from, Aruba?

“Put simply, had Cam Newton’s father or a third party actually received money or benefits for his recruitment, Cam Newton would have been declared ineligible regardless of his lack of knowledge,” the NCAA said.

EDITORS NOTES: Really, but the rule clearly states……

“If at any time before or after matriculation in a member institution a student-athlete or any member of his/her family receives or agrees to receive, directly or indirectly, any aid or assistance beyond or in addition to that permitted by the Bylaws of this Conference (except such aid or assistance as such student-athlete may receive from those persons on whom the student is naturally or legally dependent for support), such student-athlete shall be ineligible for competition in any intercollegiate sport within the Conference for the remainder of his/her college career.”

EDITORS NOTE: Enough said…..

Auburn, Alabama

And if you are wondering how Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton spent the Holiday’s
(I know I am…)
Here you go…..

Newton served food to homeless for Christmas

AUBURN, Ala. — Heisman Trophy winner Cam Newton spent part of Christmas Day dishing out green beans. Or “Santa beans” as he called them. Cam went on to say….
“See, I call them Santa beans cause it’s like you know, Santa’s Birf-day or something.”

The Auburn quarterback said Wednesday he spent about two hours at Turner Field in Atlanta serving homeless people for Hosea Feed the Hungry, a nonprofit organization affiliated with the Martin Luther King Jr. People’s Church of Love.

Newton says he posed for some pictures but for the most part “had to step outside of Cam Newton the athlete and step into Cam Newton the human being and the person that is very caring, you know cause most of de time I care about me, you know not other peoples. Also I like talking bout me in da third person, it make me sound smart.”

He says it was an “eye-opener” and something he wants to do again soon.
Newton says the trip home to Atlanta was nice after a whirlwind when he won the Heisman and the Davey O’Brien and Maxwell awards.

He says his family won’t let all that get to him or as the Auburn Quarterback stated….
“They won’t let it get to me cause they be taken some of it for themselves”

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s that time of year again…….

When people will annoy the living hell of me by saying…..

“Happy Holidays”

This always elicits a response from me similar to this….

“Which Holiday is it? What’s that over there, is that a Holiday tree?”

I will tell you what “Holiday” it is….

It’s Christmas……

Glad I could break it down for you……

And it’s also time for Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator’s

2010 College Football Awards…..

So set back and enjoy the year that was….

And…..

Merry Christmas….

EMAIL LETTERS OF THE WEEK

Q: Mister Wizard I got me a question
I think I done finally met “The One” and Love hit me like a spark from a bad battery….
I ran into this woman at the Piggly Wiggly and she smelled…
Just like the inside of my Momma’s purse.

So I follow her and well…..
I didn’t have no money for a Christmas present and so what I done was….
I give her a mason jar that I done spit in as a gift….

Now maybe I got me the magnesia from that hit on the head I took last year from throwing softballs underneath a moving lawnmower…..
But last time I checked that was a dandy gift….

So here’s my question….
What should I get that gal and let her know that I got the betrothed for her?

“Fast Eddie” – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Eddie I take it from your eloquent description of love…..
That you are clearly a University of Tennessee Volunteer fan…..
With that being the case….
I would say you have picked out the perfect Christmas Gift…
The fact she has not returned your “affections” may be due to the fact she isn’t a Volunteer Fan, even if she did smell like “Your Momma’s Purse”

Q: Dear Sir –
This time of year can be so confusing; it’s hard to know what to believe in when it comes to religion.
Between Hanukkah and Christmas I hardly know what to say to people or what to believe in.
I feel kind of lost and was in hopes you could guide me through this…..

Tim – Conway, Arkansas

A: Tim, this time of year can be tough…..
But you came to the right place….
I have found there are three basic truths when it comes to religion.
One….Jewish people don’t recognize Jesus as the messiah
Two…Protestants don’t recognize the Pope as a deity….
Three……..Baptist don’t recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters…

Q: Hey Mister Wizard –
What ever happened to the regular Bowl games without all the sponsorships?
When is it going to end?
What’s next? The X-Lax Bowl sponsored by Charmin Bathroom Tissue?

Nick – Platte City, Missouri

A: Unfortunately Nick……
That particular “Bowl” game is scheduled to be played next year in Sioux City Iowa….

2010 CFB WIZARD COLLEGE FOOTBALL AWARDS

CHRISTMAS SAFETY TIP

This Christmas season it’s important for parents in the East Tennessee area, to be extremely careful when allowing their children to “visit” Santa at the local shopping mall.

It has been reported that Fat Phil Fulmer has been seen disguised as Saint Nick in an effort to devour unsuspecting children before he goes into hibernation on 30 December.

If you are unsure as to the real identity of your shopping mall Santa, here are the clues to assist you to determine if Fat Phil has infiltrated Santa’s Workshop.

If the “Santa” is over 700 pounds and smells like Krispy Crème Donuts….

If the “Santa” begins to salivate like an attack dog at the sight of a plump child…

If “Santa” is wearing a glow in the dark orange outfit as opposed to the traditional crimson outfit

Then call the authorities immediately……
Or the local Zoo, they are familiar with tranquilizing large animals….

BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT FROM CRAIGS LIST

Email Found on Craiglist under Unique Christmas Gift Ideas:

“For sale: One brand new, unused 2010 Heisman Trophy.
Please contact the Right Rev. Newton.
No NCAA inquiries please.”

BEST TEAM NOT in the BCS CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

The award this year is a tie between…..

The Wisconsin Badgers and the Texas Christian Horned Frogs

Either one or both of these teams are worthy of a “real” shot at the National Championship and if you don’t think so; then by all means schedule a game with them next year.

BEST DISPLAY of UNBRIDLED ADULATION

The CBS College Football commentating crew of Vern “Cammy Cam Juice” Lundquest and Gary “I Heart Cammy” Danielson and Tracy “I have an unsightly mole on my upper lip” Wolfson won this award for their undying love and devotion of all things related to Auburn quarterback Cam Newton.

I haven’t seen that much suckling since I bought a trailer full of new calves.

BEST LITTLE RICHARD IMITATION

Again a member of the CBS College Football crew takes home the prize…..
This time from the CBS College Football Studio..

Spencer Tillman not only wears more makeup than Little Richard….
He sounds even gayer…

Congratulations, I think

BEST PLAYER MONEY COULD BUY

This award is also known as the Reggie Bush Award…..

The winner in a landslide is Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton….

How appropriate…

UGLIEST CHEERLEADER AWARD

This Award does not go to the ugliest Cheerleader Uniforms as was though last year by some readers. This Award is for the actual “ugliest” cheerleaders themselves.

And the Winner is….

The Michigan Wolverine Cheerleaders….
With the help of Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” the Wolverine Cheerleaders adopted rather whorish Maze and Blue eye shadow and eight inch clear plastic stripper shoes.

The fact that most of those girls could eat corn on the cob through a tennis rack only added to their already impressive lead over second place Notre Dame.

The other piece of good news related to this award…..
Rita Rod and the Michigan Wolverine Cheerleaders are slated to be on VH1 in the Spring
on “Bret Michaels Rock of Love VII: The Collection of Skanks”

Congratulations Ladies…

BIGGEST COACH

The Head Coach of the Maryland Terrapins takes home the Award this year…

Although Coach Ralph Friedgen isn’t as big as Wynonna Judd, it is important to note that she is not a college football coach and therefore is not eligible for this award.

BEST IMITATION OF A COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACH

Although the “mighty” Southern California Trojans are ineligible for a Bowl game this season due to the Reggie Bush saga, they none the less take home an award this year as “coach” Lame Kitten continues his hilarious and often times childish imitation of a “real” college football coach.

My favorite part is when his Daddy dresses him for each game, priceless.

JACQUE COUSTEAU AWARD

This Award is given out to the College Football “commentator” who clearly has a snorkel in his or her butt because they seemingly can’t seem to shut the hell up during an entire game.

The winner this year in a close contest…..

ABC Sports Brent Musburger who was followed closely by ESPN’s extremely homely Pam Ward. Both of which are deserving of the award, but it was rumored during one Big Ten telecast that Pam Ward actually paused during a play and that was the difference in the voting. Yes, it was that close.

EDITORS NOTE: Or as they used to say in the country…..
Both of these people are as windy as a bag full of buttholes

THE NEBULOUS FACTS AWARD

This Award wasn’t even close…..

The CBS College Football telecast continues to stun and amaze with such “facts” as:

Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton LOVES Ice Cream……

Every Time the LSU Tigers walk on to the field leading with their left foot, they score first and when they don’t they score second.

Arkansas Quarterback Ryan Mallet is over six feet five inches tall, which is taller than any cast member in the Wizard of Oz.

The University if Kentucky plays their home games in Lexington, which was also the name of an aircraft carrier during World War II

The Georgia Bulldogs have a “G” on the side of their helmets which also happens to be the first letter in “Georgia”

Steve Spurrier used to coach the Florida Gators and now he coach’s the South Carolina Gamecocks and they are two different teams.

Mississippi State is known for their cowbells which are used for cows and also for locating Vern Lundquest when he is liquored up and wanders away from his motel room.

The Tennessee Volunteers are called the Volunteers because Tennessee is the Volunteer state, which is different than the Show Me State which is Missouri.

Congratulations you bunch of irritating AFLAC Duck loving idiots….

UGLIEST UNIFORM AWARD

The clear winner of this award is….

The butt ugly Oregon Duck Uniforms….

I am convinced somebody on heroin designed this combination of glow in the dark nightmares that forces the viewer at home to wear sunglasses while watching television.

UGLIEST FOOTBALL FIELD

The Boise State Bronco’s and their horribly disgusting “Blue” football field takes the award this year, last year and more than likely next year as well.

I’m color blinded and it gives me a damn headache, I can only imagine the insanity it causes the rest of you during telecast.

Those are your awards this year…..
Congratulations to all the winners…

Your Bowl prognostications are a day away…..
So Stay Tuned, there is a lot more on the way this Christmas…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

There are a lot of things in this life I simply don’t understand…..

For example:

I don’t understand when I purchased an Olympic Air Pistol in California…
I had to wait 14 days to pick it up. (The optimum word here is “Air Pistol”, as in a Pellet gun)

Yet if I go down to any local airport with 100K in cash….
I can purchase two or three airplanes and put Abu Nadia Mustafa Muhammad and his twin brother in the pilots seat and take off and nobody so much as bleaks an eye.

I know …..
If the FBI heard I was having a party in the woods and my friends were all wearing sheets and burning crosses….
Every Federal agent within nine hundred miles would descend upon me and TNT would show “Mississippi Burning” on a 72 hour loop for good measure.

Yet in any radical mosque in the United States at any given time…..
There is venom that is spouted and destruction of our way of life is preached and nobody says boo.

And frankly I am baffled as to why Brett Michaels has ever had a television program.

But that’s another story……

So what does this have to do with College Football?

Plenty…..

I beat the drum for years over the Reggie Bush saga and continued to remind you readers of the unfairness and blind eye of the NCAA during the “investigation” of the Southern California Trojans and Reggie’s Parents.

Many of you encouraged me and some thought I was out of my mind.

Some of you thought I was somehow bitter or jealous over the success of the Trojans and suggested I simply “drop it and move on”.

Many of you may say the very same thing in just about a minute or two…..

I have lived long enough to know that life isn’t fair.
In all honesty I probably had that figured out before most of you growing up.
That’s not to say I am smarter than any of you, nothing could be further from the truth.

I am simply saying this.

I know life isn’t fair.

But I like those in “Power” to be consistent with their decisions.
In fact, I demand it.

Like many of you I don’t like an organization that attempts to BS me and tell me “This is A-O.K.”, when we all know it smells to high heaven.

The reason I say this is…..

Some time ago……

The NCAA tells me that the University of Alabama is put on probation for four years over Albert Means recruitment out of Memphis, yet no money was ever proven to have passed between any parties. It wasn’t his parent that “shopped” him; it was his High School Football Coach.

At the same time, Phil Fulmer and the University of Tennessee had “student-athletes” with their very own “walking classes” to get that pesky grade point average up….

And then there was Tee Martin…..
Remember him?
He was the quarterback from Mobile Alabama that led the Volunteers to their first National Championship since the days of General Neyland.

He was receiving a “large” of money monthly from a Tennessee Alumnus in Mobile and even purchased him a new Suburban to go to school in (How nice)

Tee Martin lied about receiving money and then got caught in the lie…….

Yet the SEC Commissioner at the time Roy “Crooked Ass” Kramer said….
“It’s all good no rules were broken”

The NCAA quickly followed suit and said….
“We are good with the findings of the conference”

To speak nothing of the rapes, assaults and robberies perpetrated by players under Phil Fulmer at the University of Tennessee and grade fixing (yes, I said grade fixing) by members of the University to keep those thugs eligible to play for the Big Orange.

And nobody said boo…….

A few years ago……
The University of Alabama was required to forfeit games and set players out of games and the player’s eligibility questioned, because it was reported “Some athletes sold their text books instead of turning them back to the university”

The NCAA stated:
“This is a very serious matter, one athlete reportedly made $136.00 upon selling his text books, instead of returning them per the rules.”

O’ MY GOD! One Hundred and Thirty Six Dollars!
Fire up the Electric Chair!

Meanwhile there was Reggie Bush and Dewayne Garrett at the University of Southern California having the time of their young lives.

Remember Dwayne? He lived “rent free” in an Apartment for a year and a half…
The rent was only $4500.00 dollars a month…….
To say nothing of utilities etc
Pretty nice apartment, wouldn’t you say?
Especially for a college kid with no job and parents who lived in a housing authority….

But the NCAA said…..
“Dwayne didn’t know he had to pay rent….”

Seriously?
Try that next time you are in the grocery store and see how far you get……
My guess is you won’t make it to the parking lot….

So when the NCAA and the SEC Conference Commissioner tell me…….
Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton is clean……..

I go to the rule book…..
And it says……

If at any time before or after matriculation in a member institution a student-athlete or any member of his/her family receives or agrees to receive, directly or indirectly, any aid or assistance beyond or in addition to that permitted by the Bylaws of this Conference (except such aid or assistance as such student-athlete may receive from those persons on whom the student is naturally or legally dependent for support), such student-athlete shall be ineligible for competition in any intercollegiate sport within the Conference for the remainder of his/her college career.”

So let this be said…….

I believe in being consistent…..

I rode Fat Phil Fulmer like a Hippo at the county Fair until they ran his fat ass out of OBknoxville over his “indiscretions” at the University of Tennessee.

I was like a bulldog with a new chew toy over the Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans. I just wouldn’t let it go and you all know it…..

There have been others…….

So know this…….

I am coming for you……

I will not give this up……

Not because it isn’t fair, but because it’s BS and we all know it…..

And maybe because I just enjoy a good fight…

But ultimately…
It isn’t consistent….

In the coming weeks…..
There will be Bowl prognostications and Season ending awards…..

There will be an article or two that will make you laugh and a Christmas Story that will make you cry and make you feel good in the process.

But I wanted to take this opportunity to give you all something to ponder…..

And let those folks know I’m coming for you…..

And if you think my power is somehow relegated to this little blog…..

You have clearly underestimated your opponent

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Your Week 11 Picks are out a day early in Honor of the Marine Corps 235th Birthday
And Veterans Day…

To all my Marine Brothers and Sisters across the globe….
I want to wish you a Happy 235th Birthday…..
And never forget we Marines aren’t in the “military” as some would have you to believe…
We are a cult..
That oddly enough does not believe in putting your hands in your pockets.

Thursday is also Veterans Day, as well as the Birthday of one of the Greatest American General’s of the 20th Century, General George S. Patton Jr.

EDITORS NOTE: I bet my Army brothers are surprised I knew that…
It’s because as you may have guessed I am a storehouse for “Strange Facts Known by Few”

And as a side note….
Don’t “Thank a veteran for their service”…
It makes us sound like we are waiters or waitresses at Shoney’s.
Take the time to thank them for your freedom…
That precious gift given to citizens of a free country…
Through the blood and sacrifice of their warriors..

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Before we get into the statistics of Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…
I want to point out a couple of issues…..

I finally pick Syracuse to “win” and they lose….

I finally pick UAB to “win” and they lose…..

EDITORS NOTE: I am going to try the same tactic with Texas in the coming weeks..
And “NO” I do not want to talk about my beloved Longhorns game last week….

And lastly…..
To my LSU Tiger faithful you may have noticed…
That I picked the score of the game with Alabama correctly but with the opposite results.
It was because I was feeling particularly dyslexic that day.
Great Win Fightn’ Tigers…

To my adopted and much loved Clemson Family….
Did I not tell you to “Believe”?
No need to thank me…

With all that being said…..
I was a much improved 45 and 13 or 78% on week 10 of college football.
That leaves us at 458 and 110 for the season or 81% after ten full weeks of college football.
Not too bad, all things considered….

EMAIL LETTER OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
I got me a question I hope you can a help with.
My wife (Fawn Marie) has been a wanting some of them breasts implants..
So we go shopping down to the Wal-Mart and find us some near the automotive section.
They wasn’t bad, but they wasn’t all that good neither, if you know what I mean.
Well here is where the problem started.

We ain’t got the insurance from the Government yet, so we had to have my wife’s cousin who is a taxidermist install them on her. And at first them things looked just alright, but before you know’d it them things looked cockeyed as Tennessee Coach Derek Dooley!
So I got to thinking…..

Do you think that’s why Coach Dooley get’s confused on the number of players on the football field cause he’s a seeing double? What do you think?
Johnny – Dunlap, Tennessee

A: I think this is perhaps the most disturbing email I have received to date….
But I have to admit you may be on to something with Coach Dooley…

A VETERANS DAY MESSAGE
FROM SKILLET WILSON

“I was in the big one, they call it World War Two, but some peoples call it W-W 2…
And I remember landing at D-Day in Normandy France like it was yesterday…..
It was June 6th 1944….
It was cold too man! So me and my machine gunner “Ennis”; but I call him Pancake cause that boy could put down the pancakes! Anyway, so we get off that cold ass landing craft and the damn Japanese were all over the damn place! Running around a Banzi-ing one another!
It was about the damn’dist thing I ever seen!”

“If you don’t believe me, I got one question for you…”

“Wuz you there?”

“Cause if you wasn’t….”

“Then you need to shut the hell up and let me finish telling my damn story….”

EDITORS NOTES: Due to time constraints….
I had to cut Mr. Skillet Wilson off and move on with the picks or you would have been reading his “story” until Sunday afternoon.

THE PICKS

Thursday November 11th

Pittsburgh at Connecticut
Big Cats and Big Dogs in this one…
I’m going with the boys from Iron City Beer…
PANTHERS 28-24

East Carolina at UAB
This game is at Legion Field in Birmingham..
The sign at the stadium says, “The Football Capital of the South”
That is good enough for me…
BLAZERS 43-38

Friday November 12th

Boise State at Idaho
A “tough” instate rivalry is on tap for “Prime Time Friday Night….”
It’s called the “Boise State – Idaho Rivalry” and it’s played for the Governors Cup
I think the Trophy looks like a Potato
BRONCOS 113-3

Saturday November 13th

Southern Miss at Central Florida
I know my boys from Hattiesburg have taken it on the chin as of late….
But I have faith in this one…
GOLDEN EAGLES 41-38

Boston College at Duke
I don’t know what’s gotten into the Blue Devils lately…
But the Eagles will put them in their place
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 33-28

Shippensburg at Mercyhurst
It’s against FCC Rules for Lou Holtz to say the names of these teams in succession…
MERCY ME 23-17

Minnesota at Illinois
Here we go again in the Big Ten…
Yet another rivalry of sorts and another “trophy” to play for….
This game is played each year for the “Petrified Tyrannosaurus Turd of Tecumseh”
You have to hand it to those Yankees…
They can make a “trophy” out of damn near anything
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 43-17

Salisbury at Frostburg State
This is my kind of game…..
With a Salisbury Steak and a Frosty Mug of my favorite beverage..
I got so hungry I forgot where I was going with this one..
STEAK and SHAKE 24-17

Robert Morris at Bryant
I didn’t know Coach Bryant had a college named after him….
Bob’s going to get his ass whipped..
BEARS 38-17

Miami at Georgia Tech
This game will depend upon which team or teams decide to show up…
HURRICANES 24-21

Iowa at Northwestern
As you have probably figured out by now….
Every Big Ten game revolves around a rivalry and a trophy
This game is no different…
These teams play for the “Bespeckled Beef Stick of Victory”
I understand it looks eerily similar to the “Petrified Tyrannosaurus Turd of Tecumseh”
EYES of HAWK 33-28

Dickenson at Ursinus
Miss Emily Dickenson better hope she doesn’t get a Ursinus infection…
I hear she has allergies
ALLERGIES U 23-17

Michigan at Purdue
I would like to take this opportunity to make a correction:
I have stated in past articles that Michigan Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” looks like a ten dollar hooker..
That is incorrect and false and I deeply apologize.
With the falling economy she looks like a three dollar hooker, tops.
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding.
WOLVERINES 34-24

Indiana at Wisconsin
Once again we find ourselves playing for another “trophy” in the Big Ten
This game is played annually for the “Tusk of Cheese Meat”
And once again….
I understand it looks very similar to the “Petrified Tyrannosaurus Turd of Tecumseh”
I am starting to sense a trend here..
THE POWER OF CHEESE 34-21

Princeton at Yale
This is a really BIG game in the Ivy League…
And Nobody cares….
Seriously nobody cares…

South Florida at Louisville
I was wrong about the Stronger Cardinals last week….
I won’t make the same mistake this week..
STRONGS CARDINALS 31-24

Ole Miss at Tennessee
This weekend Hootie Snitch comes down from the Baneberry water tower…
The Volunteers get their first conference victory of the season…
Believe it
VOWELS 33-17

Vanderbilt at Kentucky
The Cats become Bowl eligible Saturday…
And that’s No Joke…
JOKERS CATS 31-17

Cincinnati at West Virginia
The folks in West “By God” Virginia know a thing or two about taming wild animals..
Even Cats of Bears…
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

Dayton at Marist
Flyers and Foxes in this one….
Sounds like a typical party at any aviator’s house anywhere in the country
I love those guys…
RED FOXES 24-21

Kansas State at Missouri
MO knows there is more than one way to skin a cat….
Even if it’s a wildcat…
MO’S TIGERS 33-24

Indiana State at Youngstown State
I really don’t understand the people from Indiana State…
What is so scary about naming your team the “Sycamores”?
Run everybody! I see a TREE!
I don’t get it….
PENGUINS 43-10

Liberty at Coastal Carolina
Flamers and Chanticleers….
Sounds like a party at Kenny Chesney’s house…
CHANTICLEERS 24-17

St Francis at Duquesne
They call Francis the “Red Flash”..
He ought to be ashamed of himself…
DUKES 31-17

Presbyterian at Charleston Southern
Pirates and Blue Ho’s…..
That doesn’t sound a Disney movie to me….
BUCCANEERS 33-31

Iowa State at Colorado
I want to clear up an ugly rumor concerning the Buffalo Football program….
Wynonna Judd will NOT be running on to the field in place of “Ralphie” this Saturday
I understand the University of Colorado doesn’t have a trailer big enough to haul her…
CYCLONES 38-34

Samford at Chattanooga
Every time I see “Samford” the theme from “Samford and Son” get’s in my head..
It’s terribly annoying…
MIGHTY MOCS 34-28

Army at Kent State
West Point has produced some of the finest warriors in our countries history
Kent State on the other hand…
Has produced some of the dumbest war protestors in our countries history…
This close to Patton’s Birthday the boys from West Point better win….
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 33-24

Wake Forest at North Carolina State
The Demon of Deacons gets an exorcism at the hands of a Pack of Wolves…
Or should I have said Paws?
You get the picture…
PACK of WOLVES 34-17

Brigham Young at Colorado State
The Rams have been something less than “Ram Tough” as of late…
So this one is easy..
COUGARS 43-17

Utah at Notre Dame
Two Utes traps a leprechaun under a golden gnome…..
Film at Eleven..
TWO UTES 38-17

Memphis at Marshall
This game is played the day before the anniversary of the Marshall Plane crash…
It took place on 14 November 1970…
I believe in the Herd…
WE ARE MARSHALL 34-24

Central Michigan at Navy
I have finally broken the code on what “Chippewa’s” actually means…
It’s when Ponch and Jon would be confused on CHIPS….
As in: “CHIP a wha?”
MIDSHIPMEN 43-17

Maryland at Virginia
These two teams confuse me….
You never know who you are going to get from week to week…
So this one is a toss-up…
TURTLE-MEN 28-24

Virginia Tech at North Carolina
Call me crazy if you want too….
It’s nothing I haven’t heard from Mental Health Professionals
UPSET SPECIAL!
HOKEY POKEY 31-28

Syracuse at Rutgers
I am willing to continue my experiment in “reverse prognostication”
OTTO the ORANGE 31-24

Penn State at Ohio State
This game could easily qualify as “abuse of the elderly”
Poor Joe Pa….
BUCKEYES 43-17

Rice at Tulane
These two teams are like so many others….
One week they look like Champions and the next week they look like Chumps…
It’s gamble to pick them, but that’s why you love me…
MY FAVORITE PUDDING 28-24

Muhlenberg at Moravian
I have a question….
If you live in Moravian, does that make you a Moron or Moravianian?
I’m just asking…
MULE GIRL 24-21

Georgia at Auburn
This game is “The Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry”
Normally this game is closer than a Gillette Four Blade Shave….
But not this year…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 38-17

Washington State at Oregon State
Someone wrote me the other week if I would “shave points on the beavers”..
There are so many things I could write about that..
But this is a family column.
MIGHTY BEAVERS 34-17

San Diego State at Texas Christian
The Ancient Aztecs should have sacrificed frogs instead of human beings…
They might have fared better here..
HORNED FROGS 48-10

New Mexico at Air Force
Isn’t there a bombing range in New Mexico?
I thought so….
MIGHTY FALCONS 43-24

Texas A&M at Baylor
This old Southwest Conference Rivalry is called…
“The Battle of the Brazos”
I say this about that….
GIG EM AGGIES 33-28

UTEP at Arkansas
Before the Miners hear..” O’ Say can you see..”
They will be two touchdowns behind..
HAWGS 48-17

Louisiana Monroe at LSU
Poor ole Monroe gets’s eaten by a Tiger….
Don’t let the children watch..
FIGHTN TIGERS 43-17

Carson Newman at Tusculum
I find it disturbing that Coach Spark’s boys have to play a pesky lung disease
SPARKS EAGLES 38-24

South Carolina at Florida
Coach Steve has an unwelcome homecoming to the swamp….
MIGHTY GATORS 28-21

Mississippi State at Alabama
There is going to be a Tussle in T-Town on Saturday Night
and it will be close…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

Oregon at California
I wish I cared, but I don’t….
QUACKERS 116-3

Stanford at Arizona State
I was going to watch this game….
But I have to re-arrange my sock drawer…
Sorry, I scheduled it months ago..
CARDINAL 33-24

Southern California at Arizona
Lame Kitten is too coaching what Siegfried and Roy are to heterosexuality…
LAME CHEATERS 6-5

Tulsa at Houston
The once Mighty Cougars are one injury short of using sock monkeys in the lineup…
GOLDEN HURRICANES 31-17

Louisiana Tech at New Mexico State
These Bulldogs are bad and not in a “good” way…
PISTOL PETE 33-17

North Alabama at Harding
The Lions of Florence will have their hands full with Harding…
Those boys are tough and this game will come down to the wire…
MIGHTY LIONS 28-24

Clemson at Florida State
This game will come down to who has the ball last….
I won’t call this an upset special either..
DABO’S TIGERS 31-28

Wyoming at UNLV
Two of the worse teams in college football meet Saturday…
But I have a question…
If at the end of four quarters and the score is tied at Zero….
Will they still have to play overtime?
I Pray not….
COWBOY UP! 3-2

Nevada at Fresno State
Bulldogs and Wolves in this one….
But make no mistake, this one is over before it starts..
PACKS of WOLVES 43-24

Oklahoma State at Texas
Now for my experiment in “reverse prognostication” as described earlier in the column
COWBOY UP! 34-24

Texas Tech at Oklahoma
The Red Raiders shocked Mo’s Tigers last week (and Myself) with a huge win…
No such luck this week…
BOOMER SOONERS 33-24

Kansas at Nebraska
Dorothy….
You damn sure aren’t in Kansas anymore…
This is Children of the Corn Country…
MIGHTY HUSKERS 34-17

Enjoy your games…..

Your Marine Corps Birthday and Veterans Day

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Glad you enjoyed the first installment of the 2010 College Football News
And as promised…

The follow on installment for your viewing pleasure..

If you enjoyed the first article, then this should hit your funny bone in just the right place

But before I leave you to your reading…

You did get the memo that the “World is Coming to an End”

Right?

In case you didn’t get the email….
It simply says ….

The New Orleans Saints are going to the Super Bowl….

Hell has indeed frozen over….

Enjoy …..

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA….SELF PUNISHMENT

As you know I don’t mix my sports together but this was too good not to mention.

So the “other” O.J. from the University of Southern California Trojans

EDITORS NOTE: By the above statement I am referring to the O.J. that didn’t
murder his wife and young waiter friend, just so we are clear on that…

That caused so many problems by admitting (Sort of) to accepting money to play basketball for the Trojans
which subsequently got his Coach fired…..

Remember him?

EDITORS NOTE: Again…..
This is not a reference to the O.J. that murdered two people in southern California
and was able to walk away because a jury of idiots let him loose on the streets.

Well the University of Southern California decided they would “punish” themselves over their indiscretions and guess what?
The NCAA said that was “A O.K.” with them

If you are wondering why that is such a big deal…

It’s because that NEVER happened before in the South…

As in NEVER…….EVER….

Coach Bobby Bowden and Florida State can I get an Amen?

Clemson?

Southern Methodist University?

Kentucky?

Auburn?

Florida State?

Texas A&M?

Oklahoma State?

Alabama?

Georgia?

No “SELF PUNISHMENT” allowed for any of these Southern schools
BUT the University of Southern California can get a pass and a slap on the wrist…

All because O.J…..

EDITORS NOTE: Just a reminder….
This is in no way a reference to the O.J. from the Southern California Trojans that MURDERED two people and got away with it…
Due in large part to the preponderance of fools in the Los Angeles area who showed up for jury duty.

I am convinced the University of Southern California Trojans are in bed with the NCAA and collectively they couldn’t spell justice and fairness
If you spotted them the “I’s and the S’s”

But I do have one question related to the Trojan Football program…
How do you plan on “Self Punishing” this….

FOXSPORTS – ESPN – ABC SPORTS – CBS SPORTS

You all just can’t bring yourselves to report anything negative on the Trojans?

Can you?

Not after Lame Kitten and his staff put the screws to Tennessee
and left them hanging while stealing their recruits and nearly bankrupting their athletic budget?

Not even after that?

What about Lame’s history of NCAA recruiting violations at Tennessee
and how maybe that won’t fit well with the ongoing NCAA “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Trojans?

Nothing?

Your not going to report on Lame’s “car accident” while he was with the Volunteers?

You may not want to report anything on the Trojans….

But everybody knows…..
Take for example last week’s NFC Championship game with network prognosticator and comedian Frank Caliendo
imitating Jack Nicholson, giving his prediction for the game.
In the course of his prediction concerning the New Orleans Saints
He said: “Did you see the way Reggie Bush played last week?
He has not played that well since he signed his first professional contract to play for U$C”

Enough said….

THE WHITE HOUSE

So now the White House wants
To “examine” the legitimacy of the Bowl Championship Series.
They might as well, I mean it’s not like we have anything else going on…..
With two wars, an economy that is a popcorn fart away from collapse and unemployment that is rising faster than a hot air balloon.

I am convinced our government could screw up a two car funeral

NCAA EMAIL…..

Email intercepted from NCAA search committee for Myles Brands successor

Mr Ray,
There isn’t much being made in the media about our search for a successor for Mr Myles Brand.
I feel as if our search committee is being slighted by the lack of coverage.
We have decided to “leak” a couple of names to the press in order to generate publicity for the NCAA.
Judge Judy: A no nonsense legal eagle who could easily reign in the malcontents who incessantly complain about everything from referee calls to scheduling.
She would be able to stave off attacks by the Stoop’s & Spurrier’s of the coaching ranks with caustic wit and her forceful nature.
William Shatner: Everybody still remembers him from Star Trek.
Who better to lead this organization into the future than a Starship Commander?
We have a couple of other names in mind should the need arise: Jeff Probst from Survivor & Jet Li of action film fame.
However, we’ll hold these names until the need arises
Search Committee
NCAA

EDITORS NOTE: I guess Hitler was unavailable for an interview…

FLORIDA STATE

As we all know the Seminoles traded Saint Bobby for a Jimbo

But I have to ask…..

So you promoted the offensive coordinator who couldn’t put more than ten whopping points on the Gators to be your Head Coach?

Ah, Ok…..

TIM TEBOW and THE SUPER BOWL ADD

THE WIZARDS COMMENTARY

I just read an article in which the National Organization for Women, the Women’s Media Center of New York, the Feminist Majority and others
do not approve of an ad sponsored by Focus on the Family that recounts the difficult pregnancy of Pam Tebow when she was carrying Tim Tebow.
Because of the problems she had with her pregnancy, she was advised to have an abortion.
She didn’t heed the advice.

The Women’s Media Center describes Focus on the Family as “anti-equality, anti-choice, and homophobic” and claims…..
CBS will damage their reputation by airing the ad. Huh?
It sounds like if you’re anti-equality, anti-choice, and homophobic, then you’re probably a conservative.
Isn’t most of America really, deep down, conservative?
Don’t they really mean that if you don’t agree with them and don’t fall in lock-step with their views that you’re an unenlightened Neanderthal, incapable of logical thought?
That’s liberal enlightenment, if I ever heard it.

It also sounds like the fine folks at the NCAA, doesn’t it?

The president of the National Organization for Women claims that the ad would be “extraordinarily offensive and demeaning” to women. Huh?
You mean if you make ads ONLY for abortion, etc then no one should find that offensive.
I guess if you even have thoughts and ideas contrary to what they believe then you’re a bad, neo-con, Nazi. Riiiiiight.
Who are the real Nazi’s, the ones that want to suppress free thought or the ones who will express a thought counter to what the liberal socialists think no matter how much ridicule it brings.

I ask you?

USC VERSES USC

As you may have read the University of Southern California took the University of South Carolina to court over the “trademark” of their respective symbols
more specifically the interlocking initials of their U-S-C.

“Mister” Edelman the attorney for Southern California had these professional words to say concerning the dispute….

“Sports logo registrations are not limited to use in team colors, so there was potential for South Carolina merchandise to be mistaken for that of (Southern Cal), Edelman said.
He also suggested that the letters were more deservedly linked to the Trojans’ warrior image than to “a goofy little chicken.”
“I think they wanted to move away from the gamecock logo,” Edelman said of the University of South Carolina. “Something that is totally understandable.”

I ask you dear readers, how in the hell do you get these two symbols confused?

My take on this dispute is simple….
Listen closely Gamecock faithful….
Tell the University of Southern California and the Court to kiss your Gamecock ass.

Keep your USC symbol as it is….

TENNESSEE

It has been reported that Phil Fulmer assisted the University of Tennessee in finding the replacement for Lame Kitten.

It was further reported Phil had this to say concerning his “duties”

He stated he was ready to help make “one of the most important decisions” in the program’s history.
He also said the next coach should embrace Tennessee traditions, be mature and have integrity.

By using terms like “traditions” and “integrity” does Phil mean protecting rapist and other criminals on the team, while concocting conspiracies against your rivals?

Does it mean changing grades and inventing “walking classes” for athletes?

Or does it mean having a six percent graduation rate for your student athletes?

Maybe it means having your own personal attorney “represent” those thugs on the team
that beat up a female student that refused to do his homework and the athletes that beat up and permanently disfigured a male student at a basketball game.

I hope for the University of Tennessee, that wasn’t what he meant.

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Sir –
You appear from your writing to be an educated man with some sense of worldliness”
So I ask you this question in hopes you will assist me in my quest for justice.
Recently I purchased a women’s brief case, yet upon arriving back at my apartment and opening the case I noticed there were no women’s undergarments inside.
I attempted to get my money back after vehemently complaining to the proprietor and accusing him of “false advertisement” since there were no ladies briefs anywhere in the case, but to no avail.
In fact they ridiculed me as I left the establishment in disgust!
So I ask you sir, Do I have a clear cut case of False Advertisement or not?
Thomas – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: Tom, do you live in your Grandmothers’ basement and dress up in her clothes?
I’m just asking before I dispense any expert legal advice…

Q: Mister Wizard, we were all sorry to hear you didn’t get the opportunity to attend the National Championship game this year in beautiful southern California!
We were in hopes you would have the opportunity to attend one of our many diversity classes here at the Pasadena Community College, just around the corner from the world famous Rose Bowl.
In fact we have an interactive history class which would have been perfect for you!
It’s called the “Boston Tea Party Massacre Story”……
The class opens with Abraham Lincoln freeing the wrongly imprisoned Asian Americans from World War II interment camps, and establishing a coalition of partners to rebuild the Aztecs Empire after the United States military mistakenly carpet bombed them.
Meanwhile Millard Fillmore and Jimmy Carter, perhaps two of our country’s greatest leaders, destroy hundreds of Lipton Tea Bags in Boston Harbor in protest over America’s treatment of Cuba; Gloria Estefan will provide the theme music for this particular portion of the class and the award winning documentary director Michael Moore has gladly offered his services to direct the group towards the truth.
We have the entire class available on CD, would you like for us to send you a copy?
Dr. Emilio Jose T. Ricardo- Pasadena, California

A: I have but one comment on your letter Doctor
How dare you drag Gloria Estefan into your twisted world!
That woman is a national treasure!

Q: Sir, I know this is “slightly” off the college football subject…
But I know you love BBQ, so I need to ask….
How can you tell the moment you walk into a BBQ joint if it’s going to be any good?
Jim – New Iberia, Louisiana

A: College Football and BBQ go together like peas and carrots; so don’t worry about asking a question like that here. You came to the right place….
As you may know I am a bit of an “expert” when it comes to BBQ….
That being said Jim….
I look for two things right off the bat in a BBQ joint..
One…
When you walk in, you should be able to smell that smoky goodness…..
Two…
If the place has a Jukebox and Conway Twitty is playing when you walk in…
You are home…
(More on my highly scientific process later…)

Q: Greetings and Salutations Mister Wizard!
I have followed your articles concerning college football “live” mascots very closely.
Why you may ask?
Because I have the next “live” mascot for the University of South Carolina!
I have raised a rooster that I call “El Uno Con Grande Talentos”
(The one with the Large Talons)
Just imagine…..
As El Uno Con Grande Talentos enters William Brice Stadium….
Everyone in the stadium will be wearing festive hats and blowing party horns and screaming “Viva El Uno Con Grande Talentos!” “Viva El Uno Con Grande Talentos!”
Then for the finale…..The Carolina Cheerleaders can come on to the field and shout
“Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole!” While wearing festive sombreros and pulling a burro!
What do you think?
Jose – Conway, South Carolina

A: Jose you are aware this is “College football” and not bullfighting, right?

Q: Well Mister Wizard you have had quite a Year!
Your beloved Crimson Tide are the National Champions!
Southern California is in disarray as is the NCAA and Notre Dame…
Is there anything you “didn’t” get for Christmas this year?
Melinda –Bay City, Texas

A: I am very fortunate and blessed Melinda, that’s for sure.
And certainly I have had nearly every wish granted to me this year in college football.
So I have no complaints…
But If I could have but one more wish….
I wish a herd of rabid possums would attack and eat Jon and Kate and all eight of what ever the hell they are.
I am sick of hearing about those idiots
Q: So Mister Wizard, do you have any big plans before Spring Football starts?
Perhaps a vacation?
Just wondering….
The Rogers Family – Omaha, Nebraska

A: Great question and thank you for asking Rogers family.
This “off season” I will use my time to finalize my court case against the popular restaurant chain “Cracker Barrel”.
I am in the process of suing the popular chain because quite simply….
Every time I see the name it reminds me I am white….
I mean seriously, what’s next “Honky Bucket”?
No this discrimination has got to Stop!
Either that or they may pay me 12 million dollars for my “pain” and “suffering” and we can call it even.

Q: What is the deal with Mark May of ESPN!
You have been right about him all along!
My wife and I got a chance to meet him recently at a promotion for Home Depot..
They are the sponsor of the ESPN College Game Day Set, and Lord have mercy!
You want to talk about some bad breath!
Mark May’s breath smelled like ass and boiled cabbage!
It made my wife’s eyes water!
I am telling you his breath smells like my Saint Bernard’s butt!
Anyway…..
Thanks for telling us about Mark May, we should have listened to you.
Doug and Karen Shipley – Paducah, Kentucky

A: Actually Mr. and Mrs. Shipley I said Mark May was “full of crap”, I never said his breath smelled like it too.

Q: Hey Mister Smart Ass!
We Tennessee Fans don’t appreciate it one damn bit you making fun of Coach Drooly with them funny pictures!
First things first, he come from “real” coaching stock, in case you hadn’t heard his daddy was THE Coach Drooly from the University of Georgia!
Ever heard of him?
Second, he was coaching at a school that was right up the road from them LSU Tigers, and they never played him, you want to know why?
Cause they is scared of Coach Drooly, that’s why!
Third, he ain’t from California so that makes him ok in our book!
So Lay off Coach Drooly!
Slim and Scooter Watkins – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: With names like “Slim and Scooter” I can only hope one of you aren’t anorexic and the other is on a Hover Round scooter,
but that being said, I was going to correct you on the name of your new coach, but frankly I am laughing too hard.

Post Season Thanks….

In my National Championship euphoria I failed to thank my sponsors and all the fine people
that not only help with this article week after week throughout the season…..
But encourage me to keep writing.
There are truly too many people to thank here…
But in no particular order I need to acknowledge a few people….
I couldn’t type a single word or have it posted without the amazingly talented Dennis
who is the single greatest webmaster on planet earth.
Thank you Dennis, you sir are the man.
I want to thank Big Paul, Matt and Hank and the Charleston “A-Team” for great ideas, tremendous humor, invaluable contributions and friendship.
Thank you to my “Royal” Family of Alabama….
The Princess, Miss Kaye and Christy, whose humor, encouragement and kindness have kept me writing, I love you ladies.
To my adopted Clemson Family
Thank you so very much for everything, I truly miss and love you all.
My Deepest Gratitude to Bulldog Jim and the Mississippi State Bulldog faithful for all their encouragement and kind words.
Many Thanks goes to my other Carolina family, Beaver Jim, Susan and the Aiken Crew for your contributions, ideas and tremendous sense of humor.
Thank you to Eric and the rest of the Oak Ridge Boys.
Many Thanks to Lee and his beautiful Texas bride, I owe you my friend.
To my family in Baja Alabama
Deke, Steve, Seminole Puddly, Arkansas Dave, Reece and Eric and the many others…
You all got me started, provided great humor, ideas and encouragement throughout the years.
I can never thank you all enough.

I owe a depth of gratitude to Col J and the Husker Nation.
You encouraged me to keep writing when I wasn’t feeling it, I thank you sir.

To all my overseas readers and contributors, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I also want to thank the fine people at the Stony Brook Chalets in Gatlinburg

Drop by for a weekend and relax or plan a vacation with them, you won’t be disappointed.
Tell Pam and Ed your favorite college football prognosticator sent you.

http://stonybrooklodging.com/

And lastly…

As long as you continue to enjoy it, I’ll keep writing.

That’s why I do it…

Thank you all

NEXT WEEK..

The Number One Tennessee Fan on the planet
will have his commentary and comments later this week about Lame Kitten and the newest coach to Beacon Hill.

So stay Tuned..

RTR

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL WIZARD

Have I mentioned The University of Alabama Crimson Tide
ARE the College Football National Champions?
I have?
Sorry, it’s been a while for me…

We have a lot to catch up on don’t we?

In fact we have SO much to talk about
This segment will be posted in “two” separate articles, to include your email questions and answers…
So be sure and check back for part two in a couple of days…

But where to begin?

Let’s see….

How about we start with….

How Coach Pete Carroll ran like a scalded dog to the Home of Starbucks……
(I wonder if he is taking his Malibu Co-ed?)
Before the Joe McKnight “scandal” and the Reggie Bush “investigation” caught up with him and the “mediocre” Trojans.

You don’t think that was the reason he split in the middle of the night?

My friends….
Have a seat relax and read on…
This is going to be fun…

Are you comfortable?
Good….
Let me simply say this….

Coach Pete was more than concerned about the Joe McKnight “situation” and down right scared to death of a little something going on in San Diego County.

Why?

Because finally…
Reggie Bush is being sued in “open” court in San Diego by his sports agents while he was at Southern California to recoup losses they suffered when Reggie “breached” his contract with them.

You see…
“New Era Sports” paid for everything for young Reggie while he was at U$C….
I just hope the NCAA “investigators” can find the San Diego court room.
They damn sure couldn’t find Reggie’s Momma’s house all these years with a road map and a GPS.

Speaking of the “mediocre” Southern California Trojan’s….
Remember when ESPN, FOXSports, Lisa Horne and the College Football News all said..
“The USC Trojans will be in the National Championship game…”

That seems really stupid now, doesn’t it?
Almost as stupid as when the same organizations and Miss Horne stated that……
“The PAC 10 is the premier College Football Conference in the country”

EDITORS NOTE: Honestly…..
That still cracks me up……
Seriously Lisa GO to VEGAS you are hilarious!

So Back to Saint Pete…….
So all that rhetoric (and Books..) about loyalty and winning “forever”
Was as fake as the Lips and Boobs on most women (and Men…) in Southern California?
I hate to be the one to say this but…..
I TOLD YOU SO……

No need to thank me

But I do have one little question before we leave the topic of Southern California?
SOooooooooooooooooooooooo………………………
When ANY College or University in the South doesn’t interview a minority candidate for the head coaching position
The Good Reverend Jesse Jackson and his disgruntled minions will “march” and “protest” faster than you can say “We shall Overcome”.

But Southern California can hire Lame Kitten without (By their OWN admission) interviewing any minority candidates
And it’s just “Cool and the Gang” am I right?

EDITORS NOTE: If there is any prejudice in this country…..
It’s against the South…..
I for one am sick and tired of it…

GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS?

So they chased the “Pirate” Coach Leach out of Lubbock?
Because a one time SMU Great and current television commentator’s son didn’t like how he was treated?
I also need to add, the Red Raiders fired the best coach they ever had without reviewing all the facts….and might I also say…….
(Unless I have missed something…)
No one has a right to play college football….
IF you don’t like something about your football program
(Players in Kansas are you listening?)
Then take your little cry baby fanny some placed where losing is fashionable and individual rights and “We are the World” is used as an anthem.

SO Who did the Red Raiders get to lead their proud football program?

The Texas Tech Athletic Department was looking for someone with
“Extensive experience at second tier schools”

And as you all know that was when Tommy “Ears” Tubberville showed up…

I have but this to say to my fine folks in Lubbock (Home of Buddy Holly)
Concerning your recent decisions

Good Luck, you are really going to need it….

MY OLD KENTUCKY HOME

Coach Rich Brooks retired as the Head Coach of the Wildcats………
Turning the reins of the program he revived over to the offensive coordinator Coach Joseph “Joker” Phillips.

Good Hire, good move….

It was time Coach….

For all the Big Blue Wildcat Fans out there let say….
Thanks for the memories…

You’re a class act Coach Brooks….

Good Luck to Coach Phillips too….
You will do just fine Coach…

MEANWHILE ACROSS THE STATE OF KENTUCKY

The Cardinals of Louisville…

EDITORS NOTE: The above is in no way a reference to the Catholic Archdiocese of Louisville’s Softball team…

Hired the right man in Coach Charlie Strong….
The Cardinals will be tougher, more physical and faster than you have ever seen them…
That’s a promise…

And from a pure spectator perspective

The Battle for the Bluegrass just got really serious….

MIGHTY SMU MUSTANGS

I didn’t want us to get away from the college football news without saying…

How about those Mighty Southern Methodist Mustangs winning their Bowl Game?
I am SO proud of those Ponies….
Coach June Jones….
Thank you

TENNESSEE VOLUNTEER FANS

Ah one of my all time favorite topics…

I think it’s time I take the time to answer a question that many a Volunteer fan has asked me over the years.
And that is….
“Why do you make fun of us all the time?”

The answer to this not-so-perplexing question can be found in two places…

One….
A recent headline from the Nashville Tennessean newspaper had this to say….

“UT football reaches a crossroads”
“New Tennessee football coach Derek Dooley promises “class” but can he deliver wins?”

EDITORS NOTE: So having a “Class” program isn’t as important as winning, right?

I hate to be the one to tell you this….
But….
I TOLD YOU SO…

Two….
This is perhaps my favorite of all time…
I simply don’t have the words to explain it…
But it will answer the question of “Why I make fun of Volunteer fans”

This is an article from a semi major newspaper in Tennessee…..
(YES it’s real…)

I am speechless…enjoy.

FROM THE CROSSVILE (TN) CHRONICLE

“Where were you when Kiffin resigned?”

I can remember where I was when Martin Luther King was killed, Elvis died, Reagan was shot, the Space Shuttle blew up and Michael Jackson passed away.
After last week, I can add one more to the list: when Lane Kiffin resigned as coach of the Vols after one season.
Now, if you are reading this, you may wonder why that particular incident would even rank among others.
Well, honestly, if you are ranking them globally, it wouldn’t even be on the charts. But for those of us who are Vol fans, it was one of those moments.

We were actually sitting at a basketball game when the news came across our friend’s phone that Kiffin was leaving the University of Tennessee for Southern Cal. Within minutes, you could hear texts beeping, cells ringing and people talking. I had 15 texts and three phone calls within minutes of his resignation!

Once that news was digested came the speculation of who the new coach would be. That particular school of thought lasted until late last week when UT officials announced that Derek Dooley from Louisiana Tech had accepted the position. But between Kiffin quitting and Dooley accepting, there were an awful lots of songs, texts, emails, etc. mocking Kiffin and company circulating around Big Orange Country. The only person who probably wishes Kiffin had more of a national impact? Tiger Woods!

http://www.crossville-chronicle.com/features/local_story_021162417.html

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously I am speechless…..
More on Lame Kitten and his 66 second resignation speech, his assistant coaches at Tennessee, his “Big Orange” budget, car accident and other misdemeanors later….

I have to re-read the above article again….

COACH DEREK DOOLEY

Have no fear Volunteer fans…
Coach Dooley appears to know his “football” stuff….
Here is a picture of your “new” coach when he was at Louisiana Tech instructing the field goal kicker where to kick the ball for a field goal.

And yet another picture of a drill he used with his players at Tech called….
“Guess what’s on my finger?”

Look at the bright side Volunteer Fans….

He’s not from California..

SOUTH FLORIDA FLIP FLOP

From the here we go again file…
Coach Jim Leavitt of the South Florida Bulls was dismissed as head football coach…
He founded the program….
Started it from scratch…

So another cry baby football player says he was “mistreated” and they fire the coach…

I have but one thing to say for those adults, kids and parents that believe the world revolves around them
and believes there is “fairness” and “justice” and all that horse crap in the world.

There isn’t any…
Life isn’t fair…

There is no real justice in this world, at least not most of the time.

And everybody isn’t equal, sorry.

The kid from South Florida that complained wouldn’t last 15 minutes in Tuscaloosa or Gainesville or Austin, believe it.

Congratulations to Coach Skip Holtz for taking over the Bulls in Tampa
Good Luck Coach…

EMAIL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: Dear Sir,

As Athletic director at the University of Tennessee…
I wanted to let you know that I have made a hire to fill our Head Coaching vacancy.
His name is Derek Dooley and I believe you could best characterize him as a “dream come true.”
He’s a rather slender lad, with brown hair, a quick smile, and medium build.
His penetrating eyes hold your attention as well as his firm hands, and supple buttocks.
I just want you to know that although I, er, we were jilted by the flighty, yet cherubic, Lane Kiffin, the hiring of young Derek was a rather thoughtful affair.
Please wish us luck as we begin a new era at the University of Tennessee.

Michael Hamilton
Athletic Director
University of Tennessee

P.S. I would also like to inform everyone that it is NOT true that I was recently under investigation for trying to solicit young boys in chat rooms.

A: One question Mr. Hamilton….
Are you in anyway related to the lady that wrote the above article
“Where were you when Kiffin resigned?”

Just wondering…

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
Everybody up here in Volunteer Country nose that you is afraid of the Great Coach Phil Fulmer!
So’s what did you think when you heard that Coach Phil Fulmer was
“standing up for the University of Tennessee” and help finding them a good football coach?
Amos – Pikeville, Tennessee

A: Amos the first thing I thought of when I heard Coach Phil Fulmer was “Standing up”

Somebody needs to alert Tokyo…

Q: Dear Sir
I’m just as proud as a peacock today!!!
My beloved University of Georgia Bulldawgs just got the a new Coach for the defense!!
His name is Coach Grantham and he hails from the Dallas Cowboys!!! Man!!!
I almost wet my pants when I heard that.
This is especially good news cause our Head Coach, Mr Mark Richt, was starting to have a complex.
See, he went out and tried to get him two or three other fellas to come over and coach our defensive fellas and they all said “no way, Jose.”
But, he did think he had that Smart fella from Alabama.
Some of neighbors down here did too.
Heck, they was so sure that the Smart guy was coming to Athens that they told me to go up to Tuscaloosa and sit in the airport and wait for that guy to come in to catch a plane to Athens and call them when he did.
See, they were going to give him a can of peaches and a sack boiled peanuts for a welcome gift.

Well, that Smart guy ended up not coming after all.
Can’t understand why. You know, winning a National Championship aint all that big anyway. Just asked Coach Richt.
Well, I gotta go. Make sure you watch my beloved Bulldawgs next year!!!
They might beat Flarda now that Tebows gone and Coach Meyers all depressed!!!
Yeeee-Hawwwww!!!

Lemual in Ludowici

A: Lemual…..I can’t believe Coach Smart didn’t go for the “Can of Peaches and a sack of Boiled Peanuts” as an enticement to come to Athens…
But your unbridled enthusiasm is infectious…

Q: Mister Wizard I just have to ask….
What was the greatest sound you heard after the National Championship game?
Was it “The University of Alabama are the National Champions?”
Ricky – Cottondale, Alabama

A: I really enjoyed hearing that Ricky…
It’s been a long time..

But perhaps what I enjoyed as much as hearing those words was hearing…..
Myles Brand screaming from Hell…..
“NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

Q: Dear Sir –
After reviewing articles you have written this college football season…
It is my duty to formally inform you that you are being investigated as an out of control booster
for the University of Alabama for your derisive and inflammatory comments about other member institutions and the highly regarded NCAA.
You have continuously and incessantly called for member institutions to “secede” from the NCAA…
You have been highly critical of the highly regarded coach of the University of Southern California Trojans, Pete Carroll…
and you have made derisive comments about everyone from the recently deceased President Myles Brandt, to the National Collegiate Athletic Association itself.
We feel that your obviously divisive views are a threat to this institution and it’s grand master plan of having USC, Notre Dame, or Ohio State win a National Championship.
Also, with our obvious due diligence of all southern universities, it is apparent that with you being a University of Alabama alumni and former athletic participant there…..
our plan will be to place the University of Alabama on probation, strip it of it’s recent national Championship, and restore the order of our grand master plan.
We will follow this notification with specific just and unbiased charges against you and your website within ten days

Respectfully,
Dr. James Isch
Interim President
NCAA

A: Before you make that decision Jimmy ..
Let me inform you the loud ticking you hear in your office “isn’t” the wall clock….

Now what were you saying about….
My beloved Number One University of Alabama Crimson Tide Football team again?

Q: Dear Sir,
As one of the most respected prognosticators and writers of college football in the nation..
I would like to submit this letter on my behalf to clear up any misconceptions on my immediate departure from the University of Southern California.

First of all, let me address the recent scandals that have been implied by the national media.
Mr Wizard, I really have no recollection of where Reggie Bush’s mother lives.
I really don’t.
I have only been in Southern California for a few years and barely know my way around Los Angeles.
So, you see, I wouldn’t know where to start should the best back in all of college football have taken an illegal benefit from a philanthropic entity that supports USC.
Also, since I don’t know where Mr Bush’s mother lives, I could not; in fact, self report a violation, had there been one.
Rest assured, I would have jumped on that like a flea on a dog had there been.

Also, as for allegations of wrongdoing by Mr McKnight, it is apparent that an unreliable source, the LA Times reporter, implicated him in the incident involving the alleged driving of a vehicle.
We all know how biased the media is when it comes to superb and outstanding college football players, in particular, those from Southern Cal.
Also, if he’d have been seen by anyone from the coaching staff, which he couldn’t have been since they weren’t looking, then we would have self reported.

Lastly, if you look at our roster after this season, then you’d understand why I feel it necessary to leave.
Honestly, we have no shot at anything more than 7-5, maybe 8-4.
It would not be a wise career move for me to stay and have to endure a mediocre season with a record like that.
I have built a reputation as a winner.
To coach a team that wasn’t in National Title contention would not boost my resume in any way and, therefore, could be a career “suicide” type situatio…
most ESPECIALLY in a weak conference like the PAC 10.
Let’s face it, Barkley isn’t what we thought he was, McKnight’s leaving as well as others, so, reluctantly and sadly, I must go.

I hope this clears up any misconceptions about my impending, already made, decision. I hope you will continue to pull for me as I try to further pad my resume in Seattle.

Sincerely
Pete Carroll
President & Coach, Seattle Seahawks

A: Coach Pete that’s about the closest to “honest” I ever heard from you….
Which still isn’t saying much….
But it’s a start…

Q: Mister Wizard you seemed almost apologetic that Alabama won the National Title in one of your articles, why?
Jay – Iola, Texas

A: Not really apologetic Jay….
At least that wasn’t my intent…
It’s like this…
I am really glad Alabama won and really sorry Texas had to lose…

I prefer beating somebody I hate…
And I have nothing but Love for the University of Texas…

So it’s like that..

Q: Mister Football Wizard yawl’s Alabama boys won a Championship, but at Tennessee our boys get more out of football than some damn old glass trophy.
You know what them boys get when they graduate from the University of Tennessee?
Dan – Maynardville, Tennessee

A: Let me guess….
An ankle tracker and a felony record?

Q: Hello! I am all set to attend the third annual Fanny Pack Lovers of America Convention in Pasadena California next month.
My local Chapter of Fanny Pack Lovers or “Pouch People” as we like to be call ourselves are all making the pilgrimage as a group.
At last years convention I entered the fashion show for in the category of “most original” in which I created a fanny pack decorated with Oreo’s that I carved in the likeness of Kenny Rogers.
Much to the dismay of the audience I came in second to Dale Farkas with his “tribute” Fanny Pack to Siegfried and Roy.
Any Who!
The reason I am writing you, do you think former Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weis would be a “guest” judge for our contest this year?
Also I ‘m a huge Duck Fan!
Go Quacks!
Skip – Portland, Oregon

A: Coach Charlie isn’t doing anything….
So I am sure he would be thrilled to be a “guest” judge!

Please contact him at “The Biggest Loser”……

More College football News in a couple of days….

Hope you have a great weekend…

RTR

The College Football Wizard

I know many of you are in the post Christmas wrap-up…
No pun intended

And I know…..

It’s difficult to keep up with the myriad of College Bowl games this year.

But this is no time to start taking laps around the anxiety pool.

We will start with a few email Questions and Answers….
Just to lower the stress level of the Post-Christmas season….

Then we will discuss the list of “Lesser Known” Bowl Games of 2009

But before we get to it….

I hope you enjoy
Your hideous tie from Aunt Martha and remember that “she can’t help it”

Please don’t complain about the gift from Uncle Todd either
Since he was in that weed eater accident that boy hasn’t been the same.

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas

Enjoy!

POST CHRISTMAS EMAIL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: OMG Mister Wizard!
Even though you don’t like him….(Frown Face!)
I heard Kenny Chesney was playing Santa Claus at the Music City Bowl!
OMG I am so excited!
Is that true?
Trudy – Franklin, Tennessee

A: I think you got your facts wrong here Trudy
Kenny Chesney is “not” going to play Santa Claus”….
He is “coming out of the closet”…..
Which is two entirely different things Trudy

Q: I don’t give a tinker’s damn if you publish this and Italian size the whole thing!
You need to stop making fun of Coach Phil Fulmer!
I seen him in that movie “Blind Side” and I think he is a going to get one of them Academy Awards!
I think it’s good too that the movie showed how he tried to turn Ole Miss in to the NCAA for recruiting violations!
Everybody knows Coach Phil kept everything clean in the SEC
That was before that cheating Urban what’s his Gator ass moved in at Gainesville.
So lay off Coach Fulmer and quit calling him Fat!
GO VOLS!
Rita Sue – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: May I assume Rita Sue you meant…
“Italicize”
But that aside, let me say this…
Saying “coach” Phil Fulmer isn’t fat is like saying
Siegfried and Roy are just “a little bit” gay.

In reference to the movie the “Blindside”

I guess Hootie Snitch has been right all along….
Phil Fulmer is part Snitch and Rat.

Q: Yo wiz,
Maaaaaaaan, my bro Nu’keese be gettin a bad rap all over bout that armed robbery thang up at Tenn’see a few week ago.
I’m a pimp & grew up down here to Apopka & a brotha needs to survive, you know?
I got Nu-key all hooked up wit bling & stuff & then he goes up to Tenn’see to play football & ole boy aint got no bling no mo’.
Well a brothas gotta do what a brothas gotta do. Heck, even the crackers sittin in that car was all good when they found out who it was.
So ya’ll all need to cut my baby brotha some slack.
Keepin it real and Happy Kwanzza to all my peeps
Nu’keenan Richardson
Inmate #5625433
Cellblock 10
Fla State Penitentiary

A: Honestly, I didn’t understand a damn thing you just said.

Q: Sir,
It is becoming apparent, based on the unjust scrutiny of the media, that my football team, the USC Trojans are once again being singled out and targeted by the elitist media.
I mean, c’mon, all this attention over a kid who is simply driving around in a “used” luxury vehicle.
Jeez, I wouldn’t be caught dead in something that old.
And although the payments are $500 a month, it has full collision insurance coverage, and she attends full time a somewhat pricey University of Southern California,
Mr McKnight’s girlfriend can comfortably afford this on her salary as a secretary for Scott Schenter and his many honorable business ventures.
So what if this young lady allows her “baby daddy” to drive this car on occasion to go to and from practice?
In the vernacular of our hip athletes, “Baby Daddy need a pimped out ride, too!!”
I would just like to point out that the USC athletics department adheres to the very spirit and intent of the NCAA’s rules and bylaws.
We’re not one of those Southern universities.
I mean, Mr McKnight never went fishing illegally, or cheated on tests, or sold text books.
He innocently drove a vehicle owned by a questionable individual who graduated from the University of Washington and supports USC.
Couple this with your incessant badgering of one of our highly regarded alumni, Reggie Bush, and you can see that there is undue scrutiny on our program.
So, with that in mind and the fact that WE feel no violations have occurred, we don’t think this needs to be self reported. But, we will look really hard at future escapades should they occur.
Respectfully,
Coach Pete Carroll
University of Southern California

A: Ah I always love to hear from Coach Cheat Carroll and his “squeaky” clean program.

But unfortunately the only people that buy your story….
Is the NCAA “investigators”

Q: Here in Cincinnati we are angry.
Coach Brian Kelly is a liar and a traitor
What’s the big deal about South Bend anyway?
You want to know the truth, here you go….
Notre Dame verses the rest of Division I
Yes, this rivalry dates back for as long as one can remember.
From the smug, self righteous, holier than thou attitude of the institution to the self negotiated TV contract with NBC.
From the indignant and obnoxious fans to the Talking heads of sports who annually proclaim Notre Dame is back……
After they open the season with a couple of wins over cupcakes and get beat by U$C by “only” a few points, EVERYBODY loves to see the Irish get beat…. Yes, even humiliated.
With Gerry Faust, Coach Ty, and, Charlie Weiss at the helm the satisfaction of watching Notre Dame fall to lower tier Div I schools & service academies has been more than satisfying.
And let’s hope the current trend continues with that sack of lying monkey crap Brian Kelly.
Troy – Cincinnati, Ohio

A: Let the anger go Troy……
You live in a city with “Great” chili
And….
He will get what’s coming to him….
I promise…

Q: Welcome to Candy Land!
I Just Love starting my letters out like that!
First I want to say I am NOT gay, O.k.?
But the other day I was surfing the net looking for kola bears in funny costumes
And I discovered that Jimmy Clausen is secretly peddling Penis Enlargement Pills on his MySpace page.
After discovering the following link……… (http://www.myspace.com/jimmyclausen ),
Upon scrolling down the page, there is a letter from an “acquaintance” of Clausen’s named “Savannah”…..
Who describes an incident in which she discovered a boyfriend’s Male Enhancement paraphernalia stored in a shoe box under his bed.
What she was doing under “Joey’s” bed we will always wonder, but none the less…..
The letter appears to be a veiled ad for a product from a website titled JATCE.Com. Mr Clausen apparently endorses this product since the letter has been posted on his MySpace page since March 2007. I do not know if this product has benefitted Mr Clausen to date, but in a recent photo of Jimmy in a Speedo, which you posted…..
It is apparent by the Ken doll-like swimsuit he was wearing……
That it has had no effect.
Just thought you should know
Ricky – Long Island, New York

A: Poor Jimmy…..
Liike playing quarterback at Notre Dame wasn’t bad enough….

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
I don’t know if you heard….
But ESPN has decided to add to the annual trophy award list this year.
Due to Florida Quarterback Tim Tebow’s departure from the NCAA College Football scene after this year…….
ESPN, in conjunction with Oscar Meyer and French’s Corporation will award the 1st annual “Tebow-Big Weiner” trophy annually to the top player in the country who has been overexposed, overhyped, and is thought to possibly have the ability to both part the red sea and stop deficit spending. Frank Bungerman, spokesperson for Oscar Meyer said that “no one in the country personifies the hype & hyperbole like Tim Tebow. I mean, greatest college football player in history? C’mon. But, the media has pulled this off like he were really Superman, Batman, and Obama all in one. That’s a media machine, baby.” Finalists for this years award include dark horse Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen who has engineered a 14-18 record and won the prestigious Co-MVP of the 2008 Hawaii Bowl and, of course, Lou Holz & Mark May darling, Tim Tebow, who has had more exposure and hype than anyone in the history of college football. Starting next November, there will be a link at ESPN for nominations for next year’s awards. Good luck to the nominees!!!
Sobby Sowden – Seminole Retirement Village
Tallahassee, Florida

A: Come on Coach Bobby…..
Is your “Golden Girls Gone Wild” tape stuck in the VHS recorder again?
Call one of those nice attendants at “the home” and they will dig it out for you…..
Isn’t it time for your nap?

Q: Question…..
Can you sing like a Duck if you were caught in a leg hold trap?
Dale – Conway, Arkansas

A: If you knew anything about me, you would know I hate the Oregon Ducks.

THE LIST OF LESSER KNOWN BOWL GAMES OF 2009

The Fleet Enema Bowl
Sponsored by Fleet Enemas and Colon Blow
Hershey Pennsylvania
This game is reserved for teams that blew it out their butt all year
Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Michigan Wolverines

The Cubic Zirconium Bowl
Sponsored by the Arab Mall Jewelers of America
Gypsum Nevada
The teams selected for this game are those teams……
That look really good when the season started but can’t cut glass when it really counts
Ole Miss Rebels and Florida State Seminoles

The Silicon Valley Bowl
Sponsored by Dolly Parton and Pamela Anderson
Los Angeles California
This prestigious bowl game selects their teams based on “Big” preseason expectations
Only to have them deflate half way through the season…
Southern California Trojans and Notre Dame Fighting Irish

The Flaming Possum Rectum Bowl
Sponsored by the Tennessee Department of Tourism
Baneberry Tennessee
The two teams selected for this game….
Are those teams with uniforms as bright as a baboon’s ass.
Oregon Ducks and Illinois Fighting Pumpkins

ACME Rocket Bowl
Sponsored by Coyote Ugly
Death Valley California
The teams selected for this bowl game
Are those teams that look good until you light them…
Then they blow up in your face….
Louisville Cardinals and Colorado Buffalos

The John Cameron Swayze Bowl
Sponsored by Timex
Piscataway New Jersey
As you might imagine the teams in this bowl game can’t seem to manage a game clock
LSU Fighting Tigers and Texas Longhorns

The HN 1 Bird Flu Bowl
Sponsored by Tyson Chicken
Little Rock Arkansas
The selection for this bowl game is done somewhat differently…
The teams selected for this game are done so on the basis of their hideous mascots.
Mascots that give the viewer the same symptoms as the dreaded Bird Flu
Evergreen State Geoducks and Stanford Cardinal

The Lamisil Toe Fungus Monster Bowl
Septic Tank New York
These teams hold the distinction of looking ugly and gross all year….
Just like that nasty toe fungus monster on the commercials….
Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Michigan Wolverines

More Later in the Week….
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

It’s the day after Christmas and all through the house……
Hardly a creature is stirring
Not even Aunt Edna and her irritable bowel syndrome

But that doesn’t matter and you really shouldn’t care

Because Uncle Todd is sleeping off his Christmas bender with sweet potato casserole
Still stuck in his hair.

Have no doubt and have no fear…..

For your reading pleasure the second installment of the Bowl games
To include the game in Atlanta with the Volunteers

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas

Enjoy!

THE BOWL GAMES PART II

Saturday December 26th

THE EMERALD NUT BOWL
San Francisco California
Boston College and Southern California
Since this game is in San Francisco…..
Wouldn’t be more appropriate to call it….
The “If you drop your wallet you better kick it to Sacramento before you pick it up Bowl”?
Just wondering….
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 33-31

MEINEKE CAR CARE BOWL
Charlotte North Carolina
North Carolina and Pittsburg
The winner of this game gets a trophy that looks eerily similar to a car muffler.
Coincidence? I think not…..
TAR HEELS 24-21

LITTLE CAESARS BOWL
Detroit Michigan
Ohio and Marshall
I appreciate the fine folks from Caesars Pizza sponsoring this Bowl game…
But this game is in Detroit…
So shouldn’t this game be sponsored by..
A Bullet Proof Vest Company and a Bail Bonds Association?
I’m just saying….
COACH FRANK’S CATS 34-24

Sunday December 27th

GAYLORD HOTELS MUSIC CITY BOWL
Nashville Tennessee
Kentucky and Clemson
Anybody with the name “Gaylord” didn’t go to public school
You can count on that….
DABO’S TIGERS 34-28

Monday December 28th

INDEPENDENCE BOWL
Shreveport Louisiana
Texas A&M and Georgia
I liked this Bowl game a lot better……
When it was called the Weed Eater Independence Bowl
But that’s just me…
I’m Old Fashioned
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS 31-17

Tuesday December 29th

EAGLE BANK BOWL
Washington D.C.
UCLA and Temple
Ah the “Nations Capitol”….
I would feel more comfortable with this game, considering the location…
If it was called the “Marion Berry Crack Pipe Bowl”
My second choice for the name of the Bowl game would be…
“Taxing the Working Class like it’s Cool Bowl”
You get the idea…
BRUINS 28-24

CHAMPS SPORTS BOWL
Orlando Florida
Miami (FL) and Wisconsin
Have you ever seen cheese that’s been left out in the Florida sun?
I am not talking about how it smells here people…
I know your Uncle Todd has been at your house for over a week and my description above is EXACTLY the aroma (if you want to call it that)
Which is currently drifting out of your front closet due to his “favorite shoes”
I am talking about cheese melting….
The Wisconsin Cheese Heads will melt in Orlando……
Believe it…
HURRICANES 38-17

Wednesday December 30th

PACIFIC LIFE HOLIDAY BOWL
San Diego Florida
Nebraska and Arizona
“Pacific Life?”
Don’t they mean…..
“The Media Whores Bowl”
I’m just asking….
CHILDREN OF THE CORN HUSKERS 31-17

ROADY’S HUMANITARIAN BOWL
Boise Idaho
Idaho and Bowling Green
I never knew “Roady” was a Humanitarian?
All these years I thought he just placed speakers and microphones for Lynyrd Skynyrd
Who Knew?
VANDALS 24-17

Thursday December 31st

TEXAS BOWL
Houston Texas
Missouri and Navy
Honestly….
You had me at “Texas”
What I wouldn’t give to be in Houston town on New Years Eve…
MO’S TIGERS 38-21

BELL HELICOPTER ARMED FORCES BOWL
Fort Worth Texas
Air Force and Houston
Ah Fort Worth…..Now that is a fine town.
But……
The mighty Falcons have a problem….
They are playing the Cougars…
Yes, it’s just that simple.
COUGARS 38-21

BRUT SUN BOWL
El Paso Texas
Stanford and Oklahoma
I wish this game was still called “The Sun Bowl”
But I don’t have a problem with calling it the “Brut Sun Bowl”
Lee Marvin and Steve McQueen used Brut….
That’s good enough for me…
CARDINAL 31-28

INSIGHT BOWL
Tempe Arizona
Minnesota and Iowa State
The “Insight” Bowl?
I have some “insight” for you….
Neither one of these teams could beat Hover High School in Alabama
CYCLONES 17-10

CHICK-FIL-A BOWL
Atlanta Georgia
Virginia Tech and Tennessee
As far as I am concerned this is still the Peach Bowl….
But that aside
The Big Chicken Sandwich goes to……
VOWELS 31-24

You will have “another” Bowl Edition out Sunday evening….
It will “Highlight” the Lesser Bowl games of the week….

And the remainder of your Big College Bowl games will be out later in the week….

Before I leave you today…..

How about those Mighty SMU Mustangs!

RTR
MEB

Time to take a break from shopping and wrapping presents…
Forget about the tinsel and what to get Uncle Todd for Christmas for a minute or two.

Ignore your sibling bragging how your niece is a genius at 10 years old but everyone knows she eats her own boogers.

It is time for the most prestigious college football awards on the World Wide Web.

It’s time for the year end 2009 College Football Wizard Awards
(Please hold your applause)

Did I mention the awards are very prestigious?

Enjoy!

BIG TEN COACH OF YEAR AWARD

Coach Rich Rod of Michigan

I don’t know if he deserves it…
But all the Coaches in the Conference voted for him, presumably because they just “Love” him.

THE POLITICALLY CORRECT (PC) AWARD

Unfortunately this is the world we live in….
So, in honor of this plague that has ruined our nation….

The Politically Correct Award of 2009
Goes to the resident King of PC in the epicenter of all that is Political Correctness

Enclosed is an illustrated example of why he won…..
The below is a photograph of the winner of the award
Choking the “Shiite” of an University Indian Mascot in front of a delegation of NCAA ratchet heads and liberal wussys.

MAO TSE TUNG WEEPING MONKEY AWARD

This award goes to those select people that miss the old dictatorship

The award goes to…….

The Myles Brand disciples of the NCAA

The runner up for this award goes to….

The idiots that “still” follow former Southeastern Conference Commissioner Roy Kramer
If you look up “gibbering jackass” in the dictionary
It says
“See Roy Kramer”

THE RODNEY DANGERFIELD AWARD

The Award named after the late great Rodney Dangerfield
Is for the Player or Team that simply put, “Get’s no respect”.

The Winner is…..

Colt McCoy of the Mighty Texas Longhorns
He is only the winningest Quarterback in the History of College Football
His team has only lost one game in two years by a single second.
He only ran for 175 yards against the Texas Aggies….
Make no mistake he is a force….

The Runner-up for this Award

The Boise State Broncos
They just win and win a lot….
Didn’t they beat the PAC 10 Champion this year too?

EDITORS NOTE: It should be stated the “runner-up” award does not receive a trophy
Instead they will receive a number of coupons from Papa Johns Pizza.

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE COACH OF THE YEAR AWARD

This award goes to “The Man” in T-Town…..

Coach Nick Saban of the Mighty Alabama Crimson Tide

Enough said…

THE 2009 CFB WIZARD LOTTERY WINNER

This award goes to Charlie Weis formerly of Notre Dame; for being given 10 million dollars just to quit coaching the Fighting Irish.

EDITORS NOTE: I wish I had a deal like that one.
Let me be sure I have this right….
If I really suck at this job you will pay me ten years worth of salary to quit?
Ah O.K.

THE AWARD FOR BEST SPORTS MOVIE OF THE YEAR

Goes to…..
Coach Pete Carroll in “Probation” The Reggie Bush Story
It’s destined to be a classic

The runner up for this award in sports cinematography goes to……

Phil Fulmer in “Phil Fulmer and Krispy Kreme: A Love Story”

THE “I’M RUBBER AND YOUR GLUE” AWARD

This magnificent award goes to LeGarrette Blount of the Oregon Quacks.
This young football player put on a beautiful display of “I can dish it out but can’t take it”
after his team was defeated and he was manhandled like a ragdoll early in the season.
Young L-Bee talked mucho smack-O BEFORE the game but when it came to listening to a little payback trash afterward
he reacted like somebody had stolen his pacifier.
Nice hook, buddy. Too bad it might have coast you millions

MOST LIKELY TO BE DEFLOWERED IN THE HOOD AWARD

Mark May of ESPN wins this award hands down.
Mark’s street ‘cred’ ranks even farther down on the charts than his football analytical talent.
With no rhythm or colloquialisms to throw out during his meaningless banter with fellow analyst Lou “Lugie” Holtz,..
Marky Mark was a natural choice.

THE “SEE YOU ON SUNDAY” AWARD

This award goes to a player that is destined to play on Sundays……
The winner is Ryan Mallet Quarterback of the Arkansas Razorbacks.

This kid is crazy good….

The Runner-up for this Award

Goes to….
Shu Nama-ganahi-ziterada-siutyz-opga-grawsztu of the Nebraska Cornhuskers

That guy is good….
But his name goes all the way around his jersey.
Also…
Nobody can pronounce it.

THE BIG EAST COACH OF THE YEAR AWARD

Goes to….
“What’s his Name” at Pittsburg…..

“What’s his name” won since that self serving jackass from Cincinnati left his team in a lurch for the sunny confines of South Bend.

STEVIE WONDER AWARD

This award goes to the team or teams with the ugliest uniforms in all of college football.

The Winner of this Award continues to amaze….
They consistently conger up color combinations that would baffle a Color Blind person

For the eighth year in a row….
The Winner is the Oregon Ducks!
It is a proven medical fact
If you stare at their uniforms long enough you can actually go blind.

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN AWARD

This award goes to two organizations that have an “unnatural” affection for one another.

The winners are….
The University of Southern California Trojans and the NCAA

Congratulations…..
You two make such a cute couple.

ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE COACH OF THE YEAR

Dabo Swinney of the Clemson Tigers…..

Not only is he an Alabama product….
He deserves it for bringing the Tigers back from the brink

THE LOYALTY AND INTEGRITY AWARD

This award goes to Brian Kelly
For ditching his undefeated Cincinnati Bearkats and a Sugar Bowl berth to play the Mighty Florida Gators…..
For his “dream job” in South Bend.

Thank you Coach Kelly for giving us all another reason to hate Notre Dame.

Welcome to Loserville Jackass…

THE PYRAMID SCHEME AWARD sponsored by AMWAY

This award goes to the organization that makes billions and billions of dollars
and their work force not only doesn’t get paid, and there is actually a cap on how much they are “allowed” to make during the year.

The winner of the award (again) is the NCAA……

The Runner for the Award is the……

The NIKE Corporation…
Got to love that cheap underage age Asian labor, am I right?

BIG 12 COACH OF THE YEAR

Coach Bo of Nebraska…..

I told you they would be a force to be reckoned with…
No need to thank me…

THE DRUNKEN CRACK WHORE AWARD

This prestigious award goes to
Person or persons or organizations that spend money like there is no tomorrow

This year after careful deliberations and recounting the numerous ballots
it has been determined the winner or winners (if you will) of this prestigious award ends in a tie.

The “Winners” of this award are….
The NCAA and the United States Congress……

EDITORS NOTE: Look at the bright side….
At least the NCAA is spending money that actually “have”

THE MISTER MAGOO AWARD

For the first time in a number of years…..
This award, which is reserved for teams or organizations that turn a blind eye to wrong doing…..
Does not go to the University of Tennessee Volunteers.

EDITORS NOTE: I know I was shocked too

The winner of this award goes to a person “and” an organization.

To the Commissioner of the PAC 10 Conference
and Athletic Director Mike “Hear No Evil, See No Evil” Garret of the University of Southern California Trojans
for refusing and ignoring the numerous infractions committed by the Trojan athletic department.

I will have something out for you all tomorrow afternoon
Just in time for Christmas…

So stay tuned….

RTR
MEB

The “Breaking News” is from what I like to refer to as the “I told you so” file.

Or more specifically…..I like to think of this little piece of news as

“Christmas Comes Early”

But before we get to this wonderful and not so surprising revelation

Let me say, that I have thoroughly enjoyed the emails over the past few years from many of you,
presumably worshiping at the altar of Coach Pete, telling me to “get over” the NCAA “investigation” into the Southern California Trojans.

Ah………
Southern California…..
The People that told you…..
Charles Manson was “misunderstood”
O.J. Simpson was “innocent”
O.J. Mayo didn’t take any “money”

The same people that make fun of the way Southerners talk…
But have a Governor that can’t speak English

I know some of my articles on this topic……
are met with rolling eyes and disappointment regarding my “obsession”
with the apparent lack of concern or sense of justice from the NCAA
when it comes to the rather simple infraction case of Reggie Bush and the “mighty” Coach Pete Trojans.

And I have pointed out on numerous occasions….
The National Sports Media….
ABC Sports
ESPN
CBS Sports
MSN
Sports Illustrated
FOX Sports
College Football News
CNN

None of these “organizations” care or even mention the NCAA “investigation” into the Trojans, Coach Pete or Reggie Bush.
If you wonder why they don’t report on the progress of the “investigation” I will tell you
It’s because they have no creditability or integrity.

That is why Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator is here.
(Cue the Applause the sign)

It has been reported Southern California Trojan “star” running back Joe McKnight has been driving around in a Range Rover owned by a Southern California businessman.

The businessman who the vehicle is registered to is Scott Schenter.
Not only is Mr. Schenter’s background in marketing but he previously owned a website called 4joemcknight.com.

But it get’s better……
(Doesn’t it always)

In the words of the articulate and highly educated Joe McKnight

“That car ain’t mine man; it’s my baby’s mommas”

Ah how sweet….Sounds like true love to me.

However…..
It seems that Mr. Schenter purchased the vehicle on behalf of Johanna Beltran McKnight’s girlfriend..
with whom Joe has a young son (hence the enduring and highly respectable term: “Baby’s Momma”)

Mr. Schenter said in his own rambling disjointed explanation with the Los Angeles Times, He purchased the vehicle for Ms Beltran (Joe’s Baby’s Momma)

“Because she is a Schenter family friend who also works for a company…
that may or may not be owned by Schenter’s father and “has a patent to turn nuclear wastes into valuable metals.”
Michelle’s family could not qualify for a car loan, so he bought the car and she takes care of the insurance and the car payments..
which are a little over $500 a month. According to Schenter that is “not a big amount.”

Need I remind you all…..

NCAA bylaw 12.3.1.2 says that a student-athlete shall be ineligible if he, or relatives or friends, accepts transportation or other benefits from agents or marketing representatives.

NCAA bylaw 12.1.2.1.6 prohibits preferential treatment, benefits or services because of the individual’s athletic reputation or skill or payback potential as a professional athlete.

It seems Coach Pete isn’t too concerned…..
(He wasn’t too concerned about the Reggie Bush affair either remember?)

He stated in regards to Joe McKnight not traveling with the rest of the “mighty” Trojans for Saturday’s game in the prestigious Emerald Nut Bowl in San Francisco

EDITORS NOTE: A “Nut” Bowl in San Francisco …..
How appropriate

“He (Joe McKnight) has some paperwork he needs to do and it’s best for him to stay in L.A. so he can be available to finish it.”

EDITORS NOTE: Presumably there are “instructions” on that very important “paperwork”
because if he (Joe McKnight) has to complete anything other than his name we may be waiting until the fourth of July to see anything “completed’.

But there is more….
Isn’t there always?

This isn’t the first time we heard about an NCAA “investigation” into Joe McKnight
Is it?

There was that “little” recruiting violation in getting him to come to Southern California

Please enjoy the following short clip…..

Click here to view the embedded video.

So NCAA, PAC 10 Conference, Southern California Athletic Director and National Sports Media….
Where are you with the “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

Where is your creditability and integrity?
Is it a “Situational Honesty” that you employ?

Or is it just those in the South that are cheaters?

Are you spending too much time and money “looking into” the University of Tennessee and their use of hostesses for recruiting?

EDITORS NOTE: Yes I know…..
It’s bad enough I am defending the University of Tennessee

Do you still have “investigators” in the bushes watching which Alabama Crimson Tide players are fishing and what they caught?

Is it just us cheating Southerners that violate NCAA rules and get punished?

The Southern California Trojans have done far worse than the Southern Methodist Mustangs ever did in the 1980’s
yet they have escaped unpunished by the NCAA.
That is why we must either secede from the NCAA or demand they do their damn job.

Don’t come south of the Ohio or Red River peeking into our business if you aren’t willing to “No Shiite investigate” your golden children.

Frankly I have had enough of “Know it All” Yankees from either Indianapolis or Washington D.C.

If you think Southerners won’t fight….

You dumbass Yankees don’t know us very well.

Your regularly scheduled “Awards” Program will resume tomorrow…

ROLL TIDE ROLL

MEB

Although this is your last regular weekly college football pick….
The season is far from over; we still have the 2009 Bowl Game Spectacular
And Your College Football Prognosticators end of the season Awards.
They are very prestigious.

The CFB Wizard Christmas “Special”

And somewhere between now and the end of the year
We will catch up with Hootie Snitch and get his “unique” perspective on college football.

So have no fear your stockings will not be empty this year…..

This past week I was 10 and 4 or 71%, but I won the most important game on my list.

For the 2009 season (minus the one game we have this week)
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 574 and 165 or a steady 78%

We will go “old school” in this week’s pick
The same format I used to have “back in the day”

There will be reader email questions and answers…..
Along with News from around the College Football World and the pick for the Army-Navy game.

It’s been a great ride this year, thank you all for coming along.

Enjoy!

TEAM NEWS

TENNESSEE: This week it was reported the NCAA is “investigating” the Volunteers for recruiting violations.
The charges revolve around the use of university “hostesses” in the recruiting process.
Notice I didn’t say “Hookers”…..
Because I have on good authority Coach Rich Rod’s wife wasn’t in Knoxville at the time of the alleged incidents.
But you want to know what I think, here you go…
Nobody and I mean NOBODY is harder on the Volunteers than yours truly.
So here is my solution to this vexing problem.
The member universities of the Southeastern Conference ask the NCAA and their team of talented “investigators”
about the status of the University of Southern California Trojan “investigation” into Reggie Bush.
We already know what the answer will be, don’t we?
So collectively and individually the universities tell the NCAA to kiss our Southern Ass until Coach Pete and the Trojans are punished, until then don’t let us catch one of your candy ass “investigators” on our campuses.
NCAA, you want to punish us? You might want to check with ABC Sports, CBS Sports and ESPN and ALL the folks paying that big money for commercial time on the major networks too.
And Until I hear or read about Coach Pete and the Trojans being punished;
I don’t want to hear a damn thing about the Volunteers “violations” of NCAA rules.

NOTRE DAME: This past week Charlie Weis was dismissed from the Fighting Irish
The national sports media descended on Charlie because he dared to allude to a “certain” Coach living in Malibu…..
With a grad student, without his wife’s knowledge.
Everybody jumped on board…
Some called Charlie “bitter” and some said he was
“Burning every bridge on the way out of South Bend”
Because, after all….
We can’t criticize Coach Pete, what is he now sixth in the PAC 10 Conference?
That Star-Kist Tuna Bowl is looking pretty sweet about now, am I right Coach Pete?

This just goes to show you how screwed up our Sports Media really is…
How about asking Coach Pete about the babe at the beach
If not that, how about asking him about the Reggie Bush investigation?

KANSAS: As you may have read, Coach Mark Mangino retired as the Jayhawks Football Coach.
Some have criticized him for the way he treated his players.
Others claimed he left because Kansas had a bad season.
The truth is, Coach Mark had nothing left to prove.
He won an Orange Bowl and he beat anorexia
Enough said..

FAT PHIL FUMER: It was reported this week that “Fat Phil Fulmer” is interested in the Notre Dame coaching job. But what was not reported was that Coach Phil went through his 6 million dollar golden handshake the University of Tennessee gave him to get his fat ass off Beacon Hill, by binging on Krispy Kreme Bear Claws and Jelly Donuts.

EDITORS NOTE: I am sure Notre Dame would be interested in Coach Phil,
If they wanted a paranoid liar and someone that would “work like heck” and didn’t mind his players raping underage mentally challenged girls in the Athletic dorm.

OREGON: I was going to try and say something positive here about the Quacks win in the annual Civil War.
But, I keep drawing a blank.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I was going to say something how asinine Coach Pete and the Trojans acted
when they scored on UCLA with 48 seconds left, but you all knew that already.
So instead, I will say this….
Seriously, no Shiite you all aren’t on NCAA probation yet?

CARSON NEWMAN: After Coach Spark’s Eagles beat the Mighty Lions of North Alabama,
I would have thought they were a lock for the Division II Championship.
That was until they got derailed by Grand Valley State…
Great season Eagles; see you all in Florence next year.

AP VOTERS: For the AP voters that voted Southern California “Number One” for the first three weeks of season, and continued to do your best to keep them hanging around the top ten until the Stanford Cardinal rode them like a rented tractor.
You should ALL be ashamed of yourselves.

FLORIDA: A lot has been said this past week about Tim Tebow
and it would be easy for me to jump on the bandwagon, but you expect more from me.
I respect a player that is passionate about winning and losing.
He is a Class act, nothing but class.

LOUISVILLE: I am glad Charlie Strong finally gets a shot at being a head coach on a big stage.
Not because he’s black, but because he is one hell of a damn football coach.
The Cardinals got a fine man and one great coach.
Congratulations
:
CLEMSON: The fact C. J. Spiller wasn’t invited to the Heisman Trophy ceremony is another illustrated example of how little the national sports writers really know about college football.

NCAA: Soooooooo When can we expect to hear something (anything) about the “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

FLORIDA STATE: Now that “Father Time” has retired from Seminole University, it’s Jimbo time in Tallahassee. When I read that again, it sounds like his tenure should come with a bag of peanuts.
Never mind…

MICHIGAN: I have some Good News for Wolverine Fans!
With the economy being what it is….
You don’t have to worry about traveling to a Bowl game (again) this year!
Think of the savings!
Glad I could help…

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Sir,
I just want to start this off by saying that I’m appalled by the accusation made by former Notre Dame Head Coach, Charlie Weis. It’s bad enough that this man cannot and will not simply exit gracefully from South Bend, but he also has to attempt to drag down and great man like University of Southern California Head Coach, Pete Carroll. I do want to set the record straight so all will not have the wrong impression. The “graduate” student in question is not a female, but, rather a young man near and dear to Pete’s heart. Attached is a photograph of the innocent victims as they stare longingly into one another’s eyes and share a passionate moment.
So, as you can see, if it’s a dude, he’s not really, technically “cheating” on his wife.
Jimmy – Long Beach, California

A: This explains Coach Pete’s love of Kenny Chesney records.

Q: Mr Wizard,
I am so disgusted with you and all of you media people making fun of my absolutely FAVORITE player, Tim Tebow. I just want you to know that if Tim Tebow was crying then there would have been flooding in Atlanta. Tim Tebow doesn’t do things like all of us normal people he does EVERYTHING better. If Tim Tebow wanted to win that game then my absolute FAVORITE football player would have made my absolute FAVORITE football team win about 55 to nothing. But he didn’t. And do you know why? CAUSE HE AINT SELFISH!!! He’s done won him a Heisman and a couple of National Championships and he wanted to share all his good fortune with them boys from Alabama. Did you see how he didn’t get that many yards running the ball? Did you see how he generously threw that ball to the Crimpson Tide fella in the end zone towards the end of the game? That proves it!!!
So LEAVE MY HEART THROB TIM TEBOW ALONE!!!
Go Gators FOREVER!!!
Tracy in Homassassa

A: Tracy don’t get your Daisy Dukes is a twist; Timmy is nothing but class in my book.

Q: Dear Sir,
As a loyal alumnus of the University of Tennessee, I must take issue with the recent reports from the New York Times and other media outlets regarding the Universities use of “Hostesses” to assist with the recruiting effort. Just for the record, these comely young ladies are as innocent and pure as the driven snow and represent the wholesomeness of the university. Further, these ladies voluntarily travel to various recruit’s home towns to represent our fine institution at their high school football games and also, greet and assist young men on their recruiting trips to Knoxville in satisfying their various needs. In no way is this a violation of any rules. Here is a recent photo of these fine young ladies in their greeting attire, dressed to impress, as they await another young recruit to arrive on the field at Rocky Top.
Beavis Bowers – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: My first thought….
You all need to get a dental school in Tennessee…

Q: Dear Sir,
I don’t know if you’ve heard about it or not, but there is a story out stating that Coach Mark Mangino verbally abused his players. Sir, I was one of those players and I come forward to you with this letter as additional proof of what an absolute brute that man is.
One day while I was moussing my hair, this overgrown orangutan came in and jostled me in the middle of combing and preening!! I mean, I spent over 20 minutes trying to get it just right and he hits my elbow and makes me mess up this masterpiece!! Then, he had the unmitigated gall to say, “Hey pretty-boy, you’re boyfriend waiting on you or something?” Well, needless to say, I was outraged. On another occasion, while in the dressing room, he came upon me from behind and popped me with my jock strap!! I stood there humiliated and red-faced while all my teammates laughed and giggled.
This degrading behavior will no longer be tolerated by me or friends on the team.
I told my mom and she said I should write you.
So what do you think Mr. Wizard? Is he an animal or what!?!?
Philo Van Assderbilt – Lawrence, Kansas

A: I think you and your teammates that complained about such treatment wouldn’t last long enough at a Southeastern Conference School to find the damn men’s room.

Q: Dear Sir –
I am a Private Investigator here in Los Angeles.
I don’t know who else to turn to with the evidence I gathered…
Below is a transcript of a recent conversation I recorded between two well known coaches with a “bionic ear” during a pregame.
Picture is enclosed…
Anonymous – Los Angeles, California

Carroll: You know, Charlie, I’ve got this place up in Malibu….

Weis: Reeeeeeealllly?

Carroll: Well, yeah….and you know you’re kind of cute in a Ned Beatty kind of way…..
Can you squeal like a pig?

Weis: Yessssssssss, oh yesssssss…… By the way, how do you like my hourglass figure?
It took me 20 minutes to get my belt this tight….. all for YOU Petey!!!

A: One word: Creepy

THE PICK

Saturday December 12th

Army and Navy
These aren’t two of the best teams in the nation
But they do have some of the best young men in the nation.
Be sure and watch the pregame pageantry
And don’t miss the traditional post game action.
It will make you feel good about America
MIDSHIPMEN 31-17

Enjoy your Weekend
There is more to come….
So Stay Tuned…

RTR
MEB

Despite the emotional roller coaster the majority of us experienced during Thanksgiving

And I am not referencing Aunt Edna’s bathroom “issues” either…
That’s a totally separate issue…

No I am talking about our beloved college football rivalries
And we aren’t finished yet….
This week we have the “Civil War”
And……..
The Conference Championship Games

But before we get to these and other games….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 31 and 14 or 69% during the rough and tumble rivalry week
and that leaves me at 564 and 161 for the season holding steady at 78%.

Not too bad considering it was “Rivalry Week”

Enjoy your games!

Thursday December 3rd

Oregon State at Oregon
This game is called the “Civil War” for a reason….
But make no mistake, there is nothing “Civil” about this rivalry…
I won’t belabor the point here, but last year the Quackers upset the Beavers..
This year the beavers return the “Favor”
MIGHTY BEAVERS 33-28

Friday December 4th

Ohio at Central Michigan
I know Coach Frank’s Bobcat’s have been tough as of late….
But there is something they way Coach Lou Holtz says “Chippewa’s that makes me believe
It might be the way he spits on Mark May when he says it, never mind..
I’m a believer
CHIPPEWA’S 34-28

Saturday December 5th

Cincinnati at Pittsburg
Who would have believed this headline back in August?
The BearKats go undefeated….
Believe it….
BEARKATS 31-17

West Virginia at Rutgers
The only way the Scarlett Knights will win this game is if my Italian American friends “get involved”
They told me that wouldn’t…
So, Light those couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-21

Fresno State at Illinois
I know it’s not October, so a Fighting Pumpkin reference seems out of place
Unless you like pumpkin pie, which I do…
So the reference is still good
ZOOK’S FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-17

New Mexico State at Boise State
Remember when I picked the Bronco’s to go undefeated at the beginning of the season?
Yeah, I was right (Please hold your applause until the end of the picks)
BRONCO’S 44-17

Arizona at Southern California
I heard a really good joke the other day, you want to hear it?
What’s the difference between Coach Pete and a whiny sniveling self absorbed jackass?
None….That’s funny as hell isn’t it?
WILDCATS 28-21

California at Washington
This game will be a lot like the Southeastern Conference Championship game.
Minus the fans, the marquee players, the shot at the National Championship and the television viewership, but other than that it’s exactly the same.
HUSKIES 28-24

South Florida at Connecticut
The boys from Tampa Town have been beaten up as of late
and this game will be no exception and that’s no bull
HUSKIES 28-17

Carson Newman at Grand Valley State
Coach Spark’s Eagles beat my Lions in Florence last Saturday.
Avenging their loss to them earlier in the year and advancing in the Division II playoffs
The best ground game in Division II college football rolls this Saturday
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-28

Wisconsin at Hawaii
I wonder if Dog the Bounty Hunter likes Cheese?
Behold the Power of Cheese….
BADGERS 34-21

Atlantic Coast Conference Championship
Clemson and Georgia Tech
Both teams lost their rivalry games with their instate Southeastern Conference opponents
But that doesn’t mean this game is any less important..
This is the second game of the season between these two teams…
The first game was a wild one…
This one won’t be any different
DABO’S TIGERS 33-28

Big 12 Championship
Nebraska and Texas
The Children of the Corn will keep this one close with the Black Shirts working overtime
But the Longhorns are headed to the National Championship game
Believe it…..
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-17

Southeastern Conference Championship
Alabama and Florida
A Clash for the ages….
My Friends there are no “losers” here
CRIMSON TIDE 24-20

There is more to come with Hootie Snitch and next weeks picks…
So Stay tuned…

Have Great weekend…

RTR
MEB

The rumors are true….
Today Coach Bobby Bowden stepped down
As the Head Coach of the Florida State Seminoles

We will talk about this monumental event
Some College football news from around the country
And take some rather angry emails from you my beloved readers

Today is a sad day throughout the Seminole Nation…
They are acting like they lost their Casino license…

So let’s get to it…

As you know by now Coach Bobby Bowden retired today….
Some have said it’s because he is “too old” to Coach

I say that’s baloney
Sure, Coach Bobby is “old”…
That goes without saying…

I even have a picture of Coach Bobby “before” he was known as Coach Bobby
This picture was taken at the White House after….
He was decorated by President William McKinley for leading troops up San Juan Hill.

Coach Bobby is nothing short of a Legend….

As we have chronicled in past articles…..

A “Reality Television Star”
Who isn’t looking forward to seeing “Bobby’s Boys”?

The camping scene when Bobby and his “Boys” are cooking out
When he tells Tommy….
“Get your hands off my wiener”
Priceless

For those of you worried about what Coach Bobby will do in “retirement”

Have no fear my friends

Coach Bobby “always” has a plan

Coach Bobby will soon be seen on the QVC Channel
In “Bling Bling with Coach Bobby B”

It’s going to be glorious…

TIGER WOODS

As you all know by now I do not mix my sports together…
However, with my beloved college football coverage being constantly interrupted this past weekend with Tiger’s “accident”
and along with the nauseating blubbering from television commentators about his “condition” after his “accident”
I feel obligated to weight in….

Let me be sure I got this right….
Tiger couldn’t pull out of his own drive way at what 10 miles an hour?
Without hitting a fire hydrant…

EDITORS NOTE: What? Did the Fire Department, just place it there over night?

And then….at least according to the “News” careened off the fire hydrant into a tree and at what…15 miles an hour?
Ok, you want my thoughts….
Here goes….
If Tiger can’t pull out of his own damn drive way without bouncing off a fire hydrant and hitting a tree…
Then I don’t want to receive another email asking “Why there aren’t enough minorities in NASCAR”

EDITORS NOTE: And we all really supposed to believe
His wife didn’t take a driver to the driver?

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA & UCLA

Let me be sure I have this right….
Poor Coach Pete of U$C was “upset” with the Coach of Stanford because..
The Cardinal went for two points late in the game against the “great” Trojan defense, when the game was well in hand.
Yet, when the Trojans were up this past weekend against UCLA…
Coach Pete opted to launch a touchdown pass to “run up” the score against the Bruins.

That’s the essence of why we hate them….
Coach Pete Carroll and the Trojans and Bullies when they can be…
But cry babies when it comes back around….

FOX SPORTS

Fox reporter and noted Southern California Trojan lover Lisa Horne
Wrote and article this week entitled
“Why this college football season stunk”

Ah, could it be that her Trojans had a “bad” year?
I have an idea!
How about writing on the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans!
That should keep her ass busy for a while.

NCAA

Seriously, where are you with the “BIG” Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?
If you think I am going to let this go, you are wrong.

CBS SPORTS

For those of you that witnessed the CBS coverage of the Gator – Seminole game this weekend, I want to clear up an ugly rumor that has been circulating the cyber world.

Noted CBS College Football commentator Vern Lundquist….
Is NOT pregnant with Tim Tebow’s baby…

Vern is just a fat syphilitic troll that happens to be in love with Tim.

Hope that cleared up any misunderstanding

NOTRE DAME & COACH CHARLIE
The Fighting Irish Athletic Administration dismissed Coach Charlie Weis this week
Many of you have written me, worried about his future….

Have no fear by beloved readers….
I have on “good authority” that Coach Charlie Weis
Will be the “new” Kool Aide Guy!

I think he’s perfect!
I can hardly wait for his commercials!

EMAILS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Sir,
As an alumni of Florida State University…
I would just like to express my disappointment in your incessant baiting of Coach Bobby Bowden.
As you know, Coach Bowden was only a few wins short of the blind guy, Joe Paterno of Penn State.
But, the important thing was not the wins, it was the longevity.
You see, as a member of the Seminole club, I know the wins were not as important as one may think.
No, Coach Bowden was going for a much better record.
Oldest Coach!!!!!
Yes, our coach Bobby Bowden could have had that illustrious distinction and gone down in the Guinness Book of World Records as oldest coach if he could have kept going for only 13 more years. And with his health being as good as it was, what would stop him from going until he was at least 100?
I know, I know, he seemed like he just loved to look at the grass or the little cartoons they drew for him on the play card, but that was the beauty of it all.
He could just stand there harmlessly, watch the ballgame, and wonder who was playing. Sadly, I think you may have contributed to his coaching demise with the ever present and constant degrading remarks and endless badgering.
I’m sad for you, Mr Wizard, but Coach Bobby is going on to a better place…….
Sun City, Arizona.
I heard he’s already picked out a name for his Fantasy Football Team: The Old Gray Mares That Got Kicked Out of Tallahassee.
Tammy in Tallahassee

A: Glad I could help Tammy…

Q: Hey, you, wizard boy,
Yeah, I didn’t even capitalize you name cause I HATE YOU!!!!
You make me SICK!!!
The coach of my BELOVED IRISH got fired today ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!!!! Everything was okay until you put that stuff on your page the other day about moving “up” to the Colonial Athletic Association and playing for a FCS National Championship. AREN’T YOU CLEVER!!!?!
Then you had to put that ugly picture of Jimmy Clausen in his speedo’s on there.
WELL, HA HA HA!!!(Do you have one of those pictures with a frontal shot? I couldn’t see anything) And then you put that letter from the Pope on there.
YOU’RE GOING TO HELL!!! Or purgatory, whichever comes first.
By the way, could you tell the Pope that I’ve been really good and that the boy I was with after the Pitt game, well I don’t want to talk about it.
I know how he feels about promiscuousness and birth control.
But, other than that, I want you to BURN!!!!
Sophie – South Bend, Indiana

A: Sophie, say 12 “Hail Bryant’s” and you will fell better, I promise.

Q: Dear Sir,
I’m just as mad as a person could be.
Tim Tebow is such a SELFISH person that I can’t believe it.
You know, I was at the Florida-Florida State game, and during the walk up to the stadium I saw him cure a blind guy and healed two guys in wheelchairs.
But, do you think he’d go over to the Seminole locker room and cure our Quarterback so we could have a fair game? Nooooooooo. And his name is Christian!!!
I just think he could have helped us out and maybe we could have made a couple of touchdowns, that’s all I’m saying
Perry – Fort Walton Beach, Florida

A: Perry I don’t think even Billy Graham….
Could have saved the Seminole quarterback last week

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
Did you just see the SEC commercial?
All the schools had things on their signs like “invented bionic arm” or “cured cancer” something exotic all except Florida…
“Invented Gatorade”
Dave – Athens, Georgia

A: Well, did you see the sign for the University of Tennessee?
It says…”We can spell Tang”

Q: Mike, I know this is going to get your blood up..
But did you see the article on PETA wanting The University of Georgia to replace UGA VII with a robot or a costumed person.
Saying that using a “live” English Bulldog on the sideline is to stressful for a breed that has so many medical problems.
What do you think?
Mark – Hattiesburg, Mississippi

A: Mark I will tell you what I think….
That kind of thinking just proves that my theory is correct…
“Some people just need killing”

Your Picks will be out tomorrow…

Just in time for the “Civil War”

So stay tuned

RTR
MEB

You didn’t think I was going to leave you yesterday….
Without recapping the games of the week and answering your emails did you?

I thought we knew one another better than that…..

I would never disappoint by beloved readers
(Or hardly ever…)

But enough about that….
We have a lot of games to discuss…..
So let’s get to it, shall we?

Coach Pete, are you with me?

TEAM NEWS

GRAMBLING: Coach Rob would have been proud, Congratulations.

STANFORD: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

NOTRE DAME: See above, but not said in “a good way”

EDITORS NOTE: If you Irish fans think you will be getting Urban Myer out of Gainesville…
Think again. You couldn’t pry him out of Florida with a bucket of poop and a mop.

TENNESSEE: Never thought I would see the day…..
When a Tennessee Football Player would be dismissed from the team, much less three players.
I am speechless.

COLORADO: Just because my sister-in-law doesn’t run onto the field with the football team (anymore)
Is no reason to go in the tank at the end of the season.

MINNESOTA: Congratulations O’ So very Golden Gophers!
You needed a last minute field goal to beat the University of South Dakota State Technology Academy of Hair and Nail Design.
And you actually wonder why I make fun of you?

GEORGIA TECH: Congratulations Yellow Jackets on going to the ACC Championship.
You damn sure deserve it….

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: In the words of Maxwell Smart…
I missed the “Upset Special”
“By that much…..”

MISSOURI: In the name of Jesse James I will never doubt the Missouri Tigers again.

ALABAMA: Roll Tide Roll……

NCAA: If you are wondering “who” the next President of the NCAA will be….
I have in my possession a copy of the “Want Add” the NCAA posted recently for the lofty position.
“Wanted: Self absorbed holier than thou Dictator and tyrant with an inherent loathing of the southern states and all things southern, to include Texas and Oklahoma.
Must worship Satan and the University of Southern California, and routinely turn your blind and or prosthetic eye from said University and Pete Carroll, as well as Notre Dame, Michigan and all other Big Eleven, I mean “Ten” schools.
Must have experience crushing university traditions and changing their mascots, as well as catering to low life organizations such as the NAACP and those shady groups associated with Jesse “Shake Em Down” Jackson and Al “Tawana Brawley” Sharpton.
Also, must like the “New Kids on the Block” and “Sponge Bob Square Pants”.

MICHIGAN: SOooooooooooo How’s that “new” coach working out for you?

CHATTANOOGA: GREAT comeback win over the Citadel! GO MOCCASINS!

NORTH CAROLINA: Now I know why no Hurricanes ever hit the Carolina coast…
The Tar Hells beat them down, Great win…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I understand Coach Pete and the “mighty” Trojans have a very good reason for their latest loss to Stanford…..
It was reported that the Trojan football team was suffering from a drug problem during the game this past Saturday.
The reason I can say that is because…
It looked like the Trojans got drugged up and down the damn field by Stanford…

EDITORS NOTE: Before you ask….
“No” this never gets old for me…

GEORGIA: If you wonder why I picked the Bulldogs over Auburn, it was simple..
The Dawgs have Rambo on the team, enough said.
Glad you are doing better Rambo, you had us all scared there for a minute.

OREGON STATE: I have said it before and I will say it again….
I am all about the Beavers

EDITORS NOTE: The above comment was in no way intended as a sexual reference.
I just happen to be a Beaver fan, O.K.?

TEXAS A&M: In case you all have forgotten, let me help you out with this one.
How do you spell “defense” in Aggie Land?
“FIRE MIKE SHERMAN”

OHIO STATE: Congratulations on a trip to the Rose Bowl and a share of the conference title.
But if you have to play Stanford, the Buckeyes better be ready…..

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Mister Wizard –
I am sorry I am new to your website and I haven’t been able to keep up with the PAC 10 conference this year, so I have to ask you: After this past Saturday’s debacle…..
How many losses do the Southern California Trojans have so far this year?
Rachel – Omaha, Nebraska

A: Tree

Q: Sir,
I don’t know if you’re familiar with me or my work, but I’m world famous game show creator Chuck Woolery.
After reading of the troubles at many schools in regards to recruiting violations, I came up with a brilliant concept for a new game show.
Think recruiting!
Think Reggie Bush!
Think Pete Carroll!
The concept is this: You have a guy like Pete Carroll pursuing a highly prized, yet vastly overrated, recruit (who is actually the contestant) sort of like Reggie Bush.
The contestant has fabulous prizes, like a house in San Diego, lavished upon him as well as travel to exotic and luxurious locations.
At the end of the show we tally the net worth and send it to the NCAA who, as we all know, will do nothing!!!
What do you think? Is this a great concept or what?
Chuck – Los Angeles, California

A: Love your work Chuck, but it’s already been done….
It’s called “The NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans”
Sorry….

Q: Mike, now that Myles Brand is dead,
why hasn’t the NCAA moved out with their “investigation” on Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?
Thanks!
Jeff – Fort Payne, Alabama

A: The “secret” to the NCAA’s amnesia on the “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the “mighty” Southern California Trojans can be found in Myles Brand’s Will.
Which your favorite college football prognosticator has a copy of, because nothing is too good for my beloved readers.
It reads as such:
“….And should the University of Southern California Trojans, coached by my prodigal son Peter Carroll, lose 3 or more games in the 2009 season AND/OR fall out of the Bowl Championship Series competition for the National Championship, I do hereby direct the Investigative committee of the National Collegiate Athletic Association to complete their inquiries and investigation into the sordid Reggie Bush affair. It has been my goal to keep the “anointed one” in position to keep his team in a lofty position for continued success. If he can’t succeed with this assistance then he shall feel the wrath of the U$C boosters, alumni, and myself from the grave. Afterwards, I do hereby bequeath all perks to Notre Dame. God knows, they need all the help they can get. ”

Q: So, the NCAA attacks Florida State because of its mascot, gives Ole Miss a bunch of crap because of its rebel flag and the last verse of their fight song.
When do they make Oregon and Oregon State change the name of their rivalry game, the “Civil War?”
Oh, wait, they’re not from the South
Jake – Vicksburg, Mississippi

A: Jake, it’s like they say at the nursing home when somebody hits the numbers…
“Bingo!”

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
You never really talk about yourself, so I have to ask…
What are the ingredients for the “perfect” weekend for you?
Barbara – Beaumont, Texas

A: Funny you should ask Barbara….
I had what could be described as a “perfect” weekend this past Saturday
Tennessee and Auburn lost, the Trojans got trampled and Alabama and Texas won.
It really doesn’t much better than that where I am….

Your Week 12 Picks will be out on Thursday…..
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Much like my University’s mascot…
I have the memory of an elephant and I hardly ever forget anything.
As you might imagine, it’s a curse and blessing.

That being said….
I remember the following quotes from some noted Sports publications and commentators
back in August of this year before the college football season began.

Sports Illustrated

“Pete Carroll and the Trojans are even better than they were a year ago…”

“The Mighty Men of Troy will once again breeze through the PAC 10 and be in the National title picture…”

“Pete Carroll is the best college football coach in the country, hands down”

Fox Sports

“The Southern California Trojans won’t miss a beat this year…..
and their defense will be even better than it has been the past several years, and that is scary…”

“Coach Pete Carroll has one of the top two college football teams in the Nation”

Lisa Horne of Fox Sports

“Like it or not, Pete Carroll and the Southern California Trojans will be in the National Title game this year….”

“Matt Barkley will lead the Trojans to the National Title game….”

“Matt Barkley “may be” the first freshman to win the Heisman trophy…”

College Football News

“The Trojans will win the PAC 10 title hands down and will be in the National Title game at the end of the season…”

“The Men of Troy’s defense is scary good and even better than it was a year ago…”

ESPN

“Nobody in the PAC 10 can touch USC; the only question is who they will face in the National title game”

“Pete Carroll has assembled his finest team since his arrival on the Trojan campus”

ESPN’s Mark May

“Pete Carroll has such a wealth of talent at every position, all he has to do is reload”

“The Southern California Trojans will face either Texas or Florida in the National Championship game….
but Pete Carroll’s Trojans will definitely be in the title game.”

“Once the Trojans defeat Ohio State, nothing will slow them down until the National Title game”

CBS Sports

“Like it or not folks, the National Title will have to go through Pete Carroll’s Trojans”

THE CFB WIZARD

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator didn’t pick the Trojans to win anything….
not the conference title or be in the national title hunt.

And the emails flowed in with that prognostication didn’t they?

Some called me a “Trojan Hater”

Other emails from California and irate Trojan Fans called me far worse names.

Now after a school known more for their SAT scores than touchdowns…
Torched the Trojans for 55 points on “Homecoming” and Coach Pete and the Men of Troy are
“Where?” in the Pac 10 Conference standings, I have to ask all you detractors….

“How do you like me now?”

But look on the bright side U$C Trojan fans….
At least Coach Pete shook the Stanford’s Coach’s hand at the end of this game…
unlike the snub he gave him two years ago when the Cardinal Beat the Trojans at home.
So I guess, that counts for something…

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH SOUNDS OF STUPIDITY

Life is funny sometimes.
Just when you think some things have changed, they remain the same.
Take the University of Tennessee for instance..
Just when you think they Volunteers have a Football Coach…
that will restore a tattered reputation away from “Thug University”
and bring discipline back to a program that couldn’t spell it during the Phil Fulmer era….
once again we find ourselves back where we started.

In the event you haven’t heard or read about the three Tennessee Football players recent arrest
let me give you the “Low Lights” of the three Orange clad prodigal sons of stupidity.

Three Tennessee football players, one a “star” recruit and wearing his “Tennessee football regalia”
attempted to rob at gun point using a pellet gun, people in a vehicle at a truck stop
in the very same town in which they live and play football.

As you might imagine, it doesn’t end there….

One player was released by the police..
after presumably rolling over on the other two
and the other two players posted their bond that was set at $19,500 dollars each.

Tennessee Athletic Director Mike Hamilton had this to say…..

“We are evaluating the circumstances surrounding the incident before we make a decision”

Tennessee Football Coach Lane Kiffin had this to say……

“We are gathering all information until we make a decision…”

EDITORS NOTE: I wrote the very lines you are about to read…
time and time again about the same lousy excuses provided by Fat Phil Fulmer
and the then alcoholic Athletic Director at the University of Tennessee for similar incidents and some far worse.

So for the benefit of Coach Lane Kiffin and Athletic Director Mike Hamilton, let me make this one simple for you, O.K?

Wait for it…..

Wait for it….

There are ALREADY is plenty of “information” available to make a “decision”, it’s all in the police report, you two dumbass’s.

I sure hope that helps.

But I have two questions for Coach Lane, Mike Hamilton and all the loyal Volunteer Fans out there.

Who paid their bail and who is paying for their attorney’s?

Because it damn sure isn’t them or their families and we all know that don’t we?

More later in the week..

So stay Tuned…

RTR
MEB

Since that Bama guy that writes this thing is in Tim Buck Two…
I am a gonna due the rewind article this week and answer some of yawls emails.
He sent me some notes and stuff, but I am fixing to get my “wing it on”.

Before we get into that yawl need to know that I have been celebrating…
The Vol’s winning the Tennessee State Championship!
I know what you is a thinking too.
They ain’t played Vanderbilt yet….
Well don’t you worry about that we is gonna beat the doors off them Commodores.
Get it?

But just so’s you know, even though I’ve been celebrating….I ain’t drunk.
I don’t care what that police man said…

COACH’S QUOTE OF THE LAST WEEK

“Oregon played faster than we wanted them too be……”
Coach Pete Carroll of the University of Southern California

HOOTIE’S NOTE: No kidding Sherlock..
That’s about the dumbest damn thing I heard
since my cousin said he was going on eBay to find him a “good hammer”.
Elmer, if you is a reading this, they got a million of em at Home Depot, dumbass.

TEAM NEWS @ OTHER STUFF TOO

TENNESSEE: They way I see it….
The Volunteers ought to be the Number four team in the country…
Them Gators just barely got by us…
Then them cheating Crimson Tides barely got by us…
So, they way I figure it we IS the Number Four Team in the country and ought to be in the National Championship talking.
O Yeah, we is Tennessee State Champs too!

A-RABS: I don’t know why all them folks are worked up over that Mohammad fellow.
I went to Wal-Mart in Knoxville on Friday to get some more stuff for my restaurant “Snitch’s”
that is going to have a “Grand opening” in about a another week.
It’s going to straight up, awesome!
Anyway, I got off the subject…
This guy greeting people when you walked in, his name tag said “Mohammad”.
So’s I walk over to him and ask,“Why are folks blowing themselves up over you. Are you telling them to do it or something?”
Cause if he would have said “yes”, I was going to put a Baneberry country ass whopping on his ass.
But Mohammad said, “NO! I am good person, I am here legally, I am not a terrorist!”
Well it kind of sounded like that, cause he didn’t speak very good American.
So, what ever you crazy ass A-Rabs are doing you need to cut that crap out…
Cause I talked to Mohammad and he didn’t know a damn thing about it.

PHIL FULMER: There ain’t goin to be No Criticism of the Great Coach Phil when I run the article.
He is like a majestic Walrus, except bigger and with a crown and wings.
That’s how I picture him, so you won’t read nothing negative here about Coach Phil.

TEXAS: I thought the Wizard guy was crazy as hell when he picked yawl to play in the National Championship game..
But it looks like it just might happen.

VETERANS DAY: Now I ain’t never been in combat per say, but I have been married twice, which should count for something,…
and I ain’t never been in the military but I was in Webelos, so I had me a uniform.
But I got to thank all the veterans everywhere for kicking ass and taking names and keeping us free.

ALABAMA: It’s still ain’t right yawl got a guy on the defense that is bigger than three of our boys…
and that’s the last time I’m going to say anything about it.

OREGON STATE: Beaver Jim, the football Wizard fellow wanted me to apologize that he missed your game over them California people. But, I would have picked yawl, if it would have been me, cause I love me some Beavers.

NEBRASKA: I don’t know how the hell them Cornhuskers beat them Sooner’s but I am betting they is still celebrating down in Lincoln.

OHIO STATE: I don’t know who woke them Buckeyes up, but they are tougher than my momma’s pan fried steak.

FLORIDA STATE: I don’t want to say Coach Bobby is getting old, but he was coaching at Florida State before it was a State.

MICHIGAN: The Wizard guy wanted me to say something about the Wolverines losing to Purdue at home for the first time since 1966, but I want to say something about that Michigan Coach’s wife.
That gal is uglier than homemade soap. I saw her on the Television last week, and my damn watch stopped.

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: The Horned Frogs are ranked the highest since 1956, hell fire I wasn’t even born then.

OREGON: So last week you beat them Trojans like a rented mule and this week you lost to team with a foam rubber tree mascot. What the hell is a going on up there?
Don’t nobody want to win yawls damn conference title?

NAVY: “Mister Wizard” didn’t pick yawl, which is stupid. I would have picked you to beat Notre Dame and I’ll tell you why.
The Navy has them SEALS and they are a bunch of bad asses, I know I seen the movie.
So of course they gonna beat some Leprechauns ass. That pick would have been easy for ole Hootie.

IOWA: I can’t believe yawl lost to a direction on the map, just another reason why the Vol’s ought to be ranked in front of them.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I got to agree with that Alabama Wizard guy, yawl should be on damn NCAA probation by now.
It’ don’t help that Coach Pete, rhymes with “Cheat”

EMAIL QUESTIONS @ ANSWERS WITH HOOTIE

Q: Dear Sir,
I just wanted to convey to you and your informed readership of a recent development that arose after the annual “Not The World’s Largest Cocktail Party Anymore Due to Political Correctness” game between the Bulldogs from somewhere and the Grand and Glorious University of Florida Gators led by the Esteemed and World Reknowned Tim Tebow. There was a fairly inconspicuous incident that occurred on the field of play in which it was alleged that Brandon Spikes tried to poke an opposing players’ eye. As I said, “alleged.” Well, I must say that had there not been numerous replays by ESPN that no one would have ever noticed anything had happened. But, nooooooooooooo, ESPN gets a clip of a players hand from the Esteemed and Pre-eminent University of Florida entering the face mask of an opposing player and it is automatically assumed that Mr Brandon Spikes is up to no good. I can personally attest that after reviewing said play I feel that he was either trying to help adjust the opposing players contact lens or perhaps was wiping his nose, since, as you know, it is flu season.
After the media circus that was created by this obviously misinterpreted incident I recommended that Mr Spikes be suspended for the first half of the game with Vanderbilt. Soon after this announcement, for some reason, there was another uproar. Well, thank goodness that Mr Spikes saw the situation and suspended himself for the entire game. I hope this satisfies the bloodlust inspired by inferior rival schools due to the jealousy of the University of Florida being anointed as the SEC representative to the National Championship.
By the way, if you saw the illustrious Mr Spikes on the sideline of the Florida-Vandy game, he was clean shaven and no longer looks like a thug.
Thank you Mr Spikes for your assistance.
Mike Slive
President
Southeastern Conference

A: Mister President Slive that is how them damn Gators beat us Volunteers by a bunch of eye grabbing and God knows what else. Can you see fit, since you’re the President and all to give us that game since they was a cheating? Also, them Crimson Tides got a guy named after a Mountain that is bigger than a new Buick. That ain’t right neither.

Q: Dear Sir,
I’ve been watching that Notre Dame team get beat all over the place by Navy. I mean, here’s a team with practically their own TV network, the sports outlets are always going ga-ga over them, and they’re getting beat by a service academy. Not being disrespectful to service academies, but, I mean, what the hell? I just think that they’re seriously overrated.
In fact, I think their name is about right. I don’t know what an “Ire” is, but they’re not good enough to be called a regulare “Ire”.
I think they’re just Ire-ish.
What do you think?
Timmy the Trojan, Los Angeles, California

A: I tell you what ole Hootie thinks….
You damn Trojan fans are always acting like yawl got your monkey chapped over one thing or another.
Bunch of damn cry babies is what I think…
But here’s something for your chapped monkey…

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
I was sittin here watchin Mr Mark May slobberin all over that cheatin Pete Carroll
after U$C Squeaked by Arizona State & I have a question.
Why does mark May wear glasses without any lenses in them?
I was just wondering cause you can see a reflection on the frame but not on any lenses.
Does he wear them like goggles in case Mr Lou Holtz slobber’s on him or is it cause he thinks wearing glasses that’s for decorations makes him look smart?
I really don’t think he’s very smart if you ask me.
I mean, he tried to make a big deal out of U$C squeaking by Notre Dumb even though they aren’t very good. What do you think?
Steve – Platte City, Missouri

A: That’s a damn fine question..
I am a guessing it’s because he wants to “look smart”.
Cause I will tell you, when Mark May starts making sense to you, it’s a sure sign that you’ve had too much to drink.

Q: You no take me serious!
Now Navy Beat Irish and that all we hear about!
I see Navy Goat mascot everywhere and it offend me and honorable family!
It even on Weather Channel!
I want NCAA to change Navy mascot, they change other schools because of offense!
I honorable business man and give you photo of my restaurant!
Send me NCAA address to change navy mascot!
Ding Dung – San Francisco, California

A: I ain’t trying to tell you your business…..
But you couldn’t get somebody down South to eat in a place with name like that at gunpoint.
Kind of made me sick just looking at it..

Q: Who in the hell do you think you are?
You picked the Trojans to lose two games or “more” this year and they do, just like you picked Oklahoma to do the same.
You picked TCU and Boise State to be undefeated and they still are…
You picked Alabama and Florida to meet in Atlanta and they will…
You picked Texas to go to the National Championship game and it looks like they are on their way.
Just who do you think you are?
James – Atlanta, Georgia

A: I don’t know who he is neither…
But I heard that Wizard guy was part Secret agent and part Transformer.

Stay tuned cause I’m goin to have me an update on my “Grand Opening” of Snitch’s.

The Wizard says them picks will be out later in the week too.

Yawl have a good week now, you hear?

Hootie – Out!

What a week it was…
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather amazing 42 and 10 last week or 81%
and that leaves us at 411 and 107 or 79% for the season.

But enough self adulation, this week we have “even” more Big Ten games….
Played for a variety of trophy’s and valued memorabilia and the tussle in T-Town.

Later in the week we will discuss the Bowl Championship Committee…
Which is actually not a committee at all, but a room full of chimpanzees
wired up on Red Bull and sugar throwing poop at college football teams listed on a wall chart.

More on this “detailed process” as it has been described in the media later in the week.

We have some games to discuss…

Enjoy your picks!

Thursday November 5th

Virginia Tech at East Carolina
I know, I haven’t hit a game with the Hokey’s in a couple of weeks….
But I have on “good authority” that Lou Holtz is going to be the “guest” Mascot this week.
Get your Gobble on Lou…..
MIGHTY TURKEYS 31-10

Miami (OH) at Temple
Believe it or not (and I ‘m not sure that I do…)
The Owls of Temple are on the verge of their first bowl game since 1979….
That’s enough motivation for anybody…
HOOT OWLS 24-17

Friday November 6th

Boise State at Louisiana Tech
Have I mentioned lately that I picked the Broncos to finish the season undefeated?
Enough said….
BRONCOS 34-17

Saturday November 7th

Vanderbilt at Florida
This game reminds me of the old saying……
“If you love something, let it go….
If it doesn’t come back then the alligator must have eaten it’s ass up”
At least that’s what they say on the bayou…
MIGHTY GATORS 38-10

Central Florida at Texas
Before this one is over the Golden Knights will wish
they jousted with midgets on burros instead of trying to stop the stampeding Longhorns.
Which as a side note…
Midgets jousting on burros screams pay-per-view to me….
especially if they are wearing sombreros
MIGHTY MIGHTY LONGHORNS 44-10

LSU at Alabama
The Tussle in T-Town…
A classic matchup that will be a fight until the final whistle blows…
Don’t blink…
CRIMSON TIDE 20-17

Northern Arizona at Ole Miss
SOoooooooo the “Chancellor” in Oxford stated this week that “He” will remove the Rebel fight song
if the students continue to chant “The South will rise again…” at football games.
Here is a little hint….
You got a jackass running a university that doesn’t understand college students…
Because even I know you don’t “threaten” a bunch of college kids….
Stand by Dumbass….
REBELS 43-17

Chattanooga at Appalachian State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Mountaineers are going down with a moccasin sticking out of their butt.
Sorry for the visual….
MOCCASINS 28-24

Ohio State at Penn State
This game will be and ole fashion slug fest from start to finish……
I think the Buckeyes will win a close one…
but I have a feeling that Joe Pa has something up his sleeve, or hidden in his hair, or behind his glasses…
You get the picture….
JOE PA’S LIONS 23-21

Tusculum at Carson Newman
When I had the “Kangaroo Flu” recently, I think I coughed up a Tusculum…
It was disgusting…
SPARKS EAGLES 33-14

Oregon State at California
Beaver Jim, I wish I had better news for you…..
GOLDEN BEARS 33-24

Virginia at Miami (FL)
Here’s how this game works….
The Cavaliers lost to the Duke Blue Devils last week…
Enough said….
HURRICANES 152-0

Oklahoma at Nebraska
This game isn’t the marquee game that it once was…..
But it doesn’t mean they don’t hate each other with a passion…
I like that in a football game…
BOOMER SOONERS 28-17

Henderson State at Ouachita Baptist
Little known fact about the Ouachita Baptist denomination…
They don’t have their own “Theme Park”….
Unlike a few other denominations I could mention…
FIGHTN’ BAPTIST 33-10

Connecticut at Cincinnati
The Huskies are playing more like anorexic Chihuahuas
BEARKATS 33-17

Oklahoma State at Iowa State
This game is played each year for the “Telephone Trophy”…..
I’m not making that up…
The Cowboys will lasso this Cyclones….
I saw it once in a movie called “Tall Tales”
It was “based” on fact….
COWBOY UP! 31-21

Florida State at Clemson
No Bowden Bowl this year….
Just and ole fashioned Tiger ass whipping…..
DABO’S TIGERS 33-28

Kansas at Kansas State
This instate rivalry is called “The Sunflower Showdown”
It’s played each year for the coveted Governors Cup
Anytime you have a rivalry game that has the word “Flower” in it……
it’s just not that big a deal outside your own state, it’s a rule.
HAWKS of JAY 34-17

Tennessee Tech at Georgia
The Eagles have the same chance of winning this game between the hedges
as Kenny Chesney does of discovering his heterosexuality.
In case you are keeping score, that would be slim and none.
HUNKER DOWN BULLDOGS 43-10

Wofford at Citadel
Sure it’s cool that Chewbacca has his own college…..
but the military of college of South Carolina’s Dogs will take a bite out of his hairy butt.
CAROLINA’S BULLDOGS 31-17

Duke at North Carolina
This battle on Tobacco Road is played for the “Victory Bell”
Which hasn’t seen the Blue Devil campus since Coach Steve was there….
That trend continues on Saturday…
TAR HEELS 24-17

Purdue at Michigan
This Big Ten matchup can only mean one thing….
You guessed it, another “rivalry trophy”
This game is played annually for the coveted “Sphincter Cannon”
If I were you, I would stay away from that thing when they fire it…
WOLVERINES 24-23

Washington at UCLA
I still believe in the Power of the Huskies….
At least this week I do….
HUSKIES 23-17

Hofstra at Delaware
Did you know when Lou Holtz says “Hofstra”…..
Mark May has to wear a dental shield to keep from getting sprayed in the face with spit.
Just thought you should know.
BLUE HENS 24-14

Furman at Auburn
Just for the record “Furry Man” is not a reference to my sister-in-law in a tube top.
If it was, it would be called “Run for your life! It’s a Yeti in damn tube top!”
I kind of made myself sick just thinking about it…
WAR DAMN EAGLES 43-14

Georgia Southern at Samford
That Fred Samford cracks me up with that whole shtick
“This is big one! I’m coming to see you Elizabeth”.
I don’t know what that has to do with this game.
I just thought I would mention it.
STATESBORO EAGLES 24-13

South Carolina at Arkansas
This game should be called the Schizophrenic Bowl
Because you don’t know which team is going to show up for the game…
RAZORBACKS 33-28

Oregon at Stanford
Quack, Quack…..Quack, Quack…..Quack
ATTACK!
(I think that’s how it goes; I’ll ask Coach Pete, he should know…)
QUACKERS 34-24

Texas A&M at Colorado
Talk about your Schizophrenia
Neither of these teams has established anything that resembles an identity…
Other than they both have had the hell beat out of them by the Longhorns..
No wait, I am about two weeks ahead on that prediction for the Aggies, sorry.
GIG EM AGGIES 24-20

Wake Forest at Georgia Tech
Even Jimmy Swaggart won’t be able help the Demon Deacons this week, but he will go on a crying jag.
Which is nice…
YELLOW JACKETS 33-14

Wisconsin at Indiana
Just what we needed
Another Big Ten “rivalry” game!
This game between these two stalwarts of the conference…..
Is played each year for the coveted “Piñata of Meat”, which if I’m not mistaken is filled with “Pork by-products”.
This also may explain why there are no Muslims on the respective teams.
CHEESE BADGERS 31-17

Eastern Kentucky at Kentucky
The Colonels will be reduced to Privates before halftime, believe it.
BIG BLUE WILDCATS 38-14

West Alabama at North Alabama
This Heart of Dixie Battle between West and North will go to the Roaring Lions..
You can take this pick to the bank
MIGHTY LIONS 34-10

Western Michigan at Michigan State
The Bronco’s are going to get spanked by Sparky…
Which is kind of a weird visual, I’m sorry about that
SPARTANS 34-17

Illinois at Minnesota
This storied Big Ten rivalry is played for the “Petrified Polar Bear Turd”
This is further evidence that both states are located ten miles from the Arctic Circle
FIGHT’N PUMKINS 33-24

Baylor at Missouri
MO knows Bear taming….
Need I say more?
MO’S TIGERS 31-17

Maryland at North Carolina State
I would watch this game but VH1 “Behind the Music” is having a special
On whatever happened to the cast of “Break’n 2 Electric Boogaloo”
I wonder if they are still “Pop’n and Lock’n”?
WOLFPACK 23-17

Syracuse at Pittsburgh
The Panthers are going to claw Otto the Orange to a pulp…
Thought that up myself…
PANTHERS 34-14

Louisville at West Virginia
This game isn’t what it once was…..
But it will end with couches burning into the Morgantown night….
Light Em if you got Em!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-17

Northwestern at Iowa
I love these Big Ten games….
Almost each and every game is played for “something” important
This game is certainly no different..
The rivalry between these two schools is played each year for the
“Snow Globe of Beef Jerky”
I shudder to think where they came up with the idea for this “trophy”
EYES of the HAWK 33-21

Memphis at Tennessee
This volunteer instate rivalry is played “every so often” as the media guide described for
“The Tennessee Cousin Bucket of Lovin”
They further state in the media guide….
“Don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it…”
VOWELS 43-10

Brigham Young at Wyoming
Cowboy Down……
BRIGHAM’S COUGARS 31-10

Navy at Notre Dame
This game has two of the oddest mascots in college football..
A Goat and a Leprechaun….
Now, if they would let the Leprechaun ride the goat THEN I would watch it..
FIGHTN’ IRISH 34-24

Rice at Southern Methodist
My favorite pudding isn’t ready for the wild ponies….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-17

Army at Air Force
The next to final game for the “Presidents Cup”…..
Aim High
FALCONS 28-14

Kent State at Akron
A game between “Zippy” and the “Golden Flashes”….
Sounds like the making of a Gay Pride Parade…
ZIPPY 23-17

Texas El Paso at Tulane
This rough season has reduced the Green Wave to chartreuse trickle
MINERS 34-17

Texas Christian at San Diego State
Have I mentioned lately that I picked the horned amphibians to go undefeated this year?
I know that I “mentioned it”, I was just bragging..
Sorry…….
HORNED FROGS 33-10

Worchester Tech at Susquehanna
This game really puts me in a quandary..
On one hand I love Worchester sauce and I think it’s cool that have a college for that..
But on the other hand I know Susie will threaten to whip my ass if I don’t pick her..
I won’t be intimidated..
SUSIE 23-17

Fresno State at Idaho
I wonder whatever happened to Mister Potato Head’s kids, Ida and Spud.
I hope he kept his eye on them….
Yeah, thought that up myself too.
BULLDOGS 31-28

Washington State at Arizona
I would watch this game this game
But QVC is going to have a sale on their “Rhesus Monkey Dentist Kits”.
Before you ask, “No”, I don’t have a monkey.
I just want to watch the demo
WILDCATS 24-17

New Mexico at Utah
This game highlights Ute’s and Lobos….
Sounds like a Disney Movie…
TWO UTES 34-17

Houston at Tulsa
Speaking of movies….
Is it just me, or did you want to see Apollo Creed in Apollo 13?
Never mind, it’s just me.
COUGARS 38-23

Southern California at Arizona State
Hey Pete, you want a Quacker?
That never gets old for me…
TROJAN$ 6-3

Utah State at Hawaii
This game only serves to remind me that I am missing “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
Damn it…
WARRIORS Pop’n and Lock’n on RAINBOWS 31-24

Sunday November 8th

Nevada at San Jose State
Poor Jose…..
He is going to get beaten like a rented Burro….
As a side note…
This pick is much funnier when spoken out loud with a Mexican accent.
WOLFPACK 33-17

Enjoy your games and have a Great Weekend
More next week, so stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

I ask you….
Who got treats and who got tricked this weekend?

The Homers of Indiana certainly got “tricked” into believing a two touchdown lead was enough to beat the Iowa Hawkeyes.

And the South Carolina Gamecocks had more than enough “Butterfingers” to start the game in Knoxville, which counted as a tasty “treat” for the Volunteers.

But perhaps the best treat of all was watching the Trojans get the hell quacked of them.

Let’s take a look back at the Halloween games and answer a few of your emails….

Don’t be afraid, there’s nothing to be scared of…

TEAM NEWS

PENN STATE: In an effort to eliminate any reference to a “cross”, the “six” students that protested the recent student T-shirt promoting the Lion football team, will ceremoniously burn all Christopher Cross records on the Happy Valley campus.

TENNESSEE: I had a feeling the Volunteers were going to have a “uniform” change…
My Gay-Dar was going off before kickoff…

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously, the black jerseys look stupid, just so you know.

GEORGIA: See “Tennessee” above and substitute “Helmets” for jerseys.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

OREGON STATE: Beaver Jim, I finally got one right…..

ILLINOIS: What was I thinking going against the “Fighting Pumpkins” on Halloween?

NORTH ALABAMA: The Lions of Florence are for real this year….
Is another National Championship in their future? I sure hope so…

VIRGINIA TECH: It’s getting close to Thanksgiving..
So you Turkeys better get it together or you your season is going to be cooked.

AUBURN: Didn’t I tell you the Tigers would beat Ole Miss? Who loves you?

WEST VIRGINIA: Come on Mountaineers, there are people in Morgantown with couches that need to be burned.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! You got quacked!

TEXAS: I don’t think the “Prairie Wind” touched any of the Mighty Longhorns on Saturday Night.
The questions, can anybody else touch them before the Big 12 Championship game?

EDITORS NOTE: The above was in no way a reference to MC Hammer, so you can’t touch this..

OREGON: Quack Attack, indeed. Congratulations.

LSU: For my Mighty Tiger fans in honor of Halloween….

Click here to view the embedded video.

CHATTANOOGA: Nice win Moccasins, very nice win.

MICHIGAN: It was erroneously reported that Coach Rod’s wife was dressed as a “witch” on Halloween
for the wolverine game with Illinois. This is incorrect and hurtful.
She was dressed as herself, she just looks and acts like a witch, there’s a difference.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: I guess the Bulldogs did tree the Cats, sorry I doubted you Bully.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Pete, you want a quacker? HAAAAAAAAAA!

NCAA: Now that your media sweethearts won’t be eligible for the National Championship…
You think we might find out what the status is on that big “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

EMAIL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: Dear sir
I have been really angered by the obviously biased calls for the best coach that ever lived, Bobby Bowden, to retire.
I watched the entire GREAT triumph over NC State today and I am certain that Coach Bowden acts like a coach better than anyone around.
Did you see him waive his hands and point? Just like a normal coach would do.
Did you see him get excited and break into a little bit of a geezer trot when he was trying to get Damotok’s attention?
Joe Pa’s not even that fast.
Now I will give you the fact that he did look a little disoriented when he walked out on the field for the post game handshake but, hey, he knew he was supposed to do something when the final gun sounded!! So, leave my Coach alone all you naysayers!
Solomon in Sopchopee

A: Bobby is so old he remembers when being “disoriented” meant you got lost in Tokyo.

Q: Dear Sir,
There’s been all kind of stories going around but one has left me scratching my head.
Is it true that my beloved Dawgs had a couple of drives stall yesterday because our quarterback, Joe Cox, has a revoked license?
Just wondering
Lemuel in Ludowici

A: The Cocktail Party’s over Lemuel, back away from the alcohol.

Q: Dear Sir,
I just want to let you know that my Georgia State Panthers kick off their inaugural season next year!!! Our head coach, Bill Curry, is cooking up something extra special cause our first game is against those Alabama Crimson Tide boys!!!
I’m looking for a big win there and maybe an undefeated season!!
Then its National Championship time!!!
Only 309 days til kickoff!
Albert in Alpharetta

A: Does the term “Beat Down of a Lifetime” mean anything to you Albert?

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
This week while we’ve been practicing I’ve been seeing all these pictures all over the place. In the locker room, in the weight room, heck, even in the bathroom stalls there are pictures of Florida beating us, pictures of the scoreboard of the 49-10 beat down we took, and even Urban Myers calling timeout. So, I’ve just got this to say.
I’m convinced. In fact I’m so convinced that I’ve called Gainesville and talked to them about transferring. Heck, Tebow leaves this year and they’ll need a new quarterback next year. Do you think that I’ve got any eligibility left if I leave now?
Thanks
Joe Cox

A: It’s over Joe, just let it go…..

Q: Mike, I hate to ask…
But what costume did Hootie Snitch wear on Halloween this year?
Chip – Pensacola, Florida

A: I didn’t see it Chip….
But I was told it looked like a unicorn wearing a gimp mask….
Sorry for the visual.

Q: As commissioner of the Southeastern Conference, I would appreciate if you would publish this letter on your popular website:
To all,
I would just like to thank you for making this one of the most exciting football seasons in recent Florida Gator history. We here at the SEC, in an attempt to maintain our superiority over other conferences in the country, would just like to fill you in on our exciting new policy. Our intent is to make sure we have a premier team represent the SEC, and YOU the fan, in the Championship game every year. What with Tim Tebow being the media darling that he is, we felt it necessary to give him an appropriate show of love for his Senior season. With that being said, please stop raising such a fuss on the questionable calls made by our officiating crews during games with Florida. It’s all a grand plan from which every deserving SEC school will receive their shot at a National Championship. Our plan is to get Alabama to the table next year, and if their offense continues to improve, we’ll get LSU back in 2011. Afterward, we’ll look at the remaining schools who have not represented our fair conference in the National Championship game for future consideration. Well, all but Georgia, Vandy, and Mississippi State. They’re going nowhere fast.
Best wishes,
Mike Slive
Commissioner
Southeastern Conference
P.S. Tell Lane Kiffin that he’d better keep his mouth shut or the only post season bowl they’ll be playing in is the Igloo Bowl in Anchorage Alaska. And we’ll put it on Pay Per View

A: Ouch…..

Q: Mr Wizard,
I’m really pumped about my Tennessee Volunteers football team this year. We have had a great season so far. We almost beat Florida a couple of weeks ago.
We REEEEEEEEEEEEEEAlly almost beat Alabama last week.
We beat South Carolina and that smartass Coach Genius and I’m very, very excited.
But with the way our team is playing I feel real good about our chances.
Mr. Wizard how bad do you think we might almost beat the rest of the teams on our schedule this year?
Go Vols!!!
Minday in Memphis

A: I think you will “almost” win the remainder of your games this year…

Q: Dear Sir,
Hey there Mr Smarty Pants. All you Bamer folks thought you pulled a fast one on me when you THOUGHT you cut off the sound to my headset on Saturday. Shows how smart ya’ll are. I was listening to the entire compilation of the Barney the Dinosaur tunes on my cassett deck I had stuffed in my pocket. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
My daddy was the only one you messed up and he only coaches the defense, and that’s really not that important.
So keep trying CHEATERS!!
Like I said after the game, we’re gonna beat you next year!!!
Or the year after. Or the year after that.
I love you, you love me!!
We’ll beat you in 2023!!!
Go Vols!!!
Lane Kiffin

A: See you in OBknoxville next year Jackass….

Have a great week folks….
Your Week 10 Picks will be out later in the week..
So stay tuned..

RTR
MEB

So let’s take a moment to look at some team news and games of the past week.

And certainly I want to answer your long awaited emails….

Much like many of you….
At this point in the season I am just thankful that I am not on any liver donor list yet.

Enjoy your update!

TEAM NEWS

OLE MISS: So you want to change your fight song….
Because “some” Ole Miss student’s think the final verse of the Rebel fight song that says “And the South Shall Rise again…”
is somehow racist and should be changed?

I have a question..
When is this crap going to stop?

Are all you politically correct urchins that afraid of us Southerners?

You should be…
Because we Southerners have just about had all this force feed guilt we are going to take.

So continue with your agenda on “changing” us…

We will let you know when you are done…

CLEMSON: Who was the “Only” Prognosticator to pick the Tigers over the Hurricanes?
No need to thank me, I love you guys…

TENNESSEE: The Volunteers will not lose another game the rest of the season.
Remember you heard it here first…

However….

EDITORS NOTE: Coach Lane I know you are knew to the “real” coaching ranks..
But stop with the crying and whining after a tough game…
Your boys played their hearts out…
You do a disservice to the players by acting like a spoiled teenager after a loss.

Blaming the referees, the wind and Barney the Purple Dinosaur…
“IF” you knew anything about the series itself
You would know….
It’s not uncommon for the dominating team to lose the game..
I remember a game we dominated, until Jay Graham broke lose and we lost 20-13
I also remember an overtime game not so long ago that the Volunteers plucked away at the last moment.

It’s called life dumbass….
Get over it….

NEBRASKA: What the Hell Cornhuskers? What the Hell…

INDIANA: You Hoosiers, lost a two touchdown lead with minutes left in the game?
You know this screwed up my average for the week, right?

TEXAS: The Longhorns didn’t look that strong against a wounded Sooner team,
but they sure put the beat down on MO this week. Their real test is this week…

FLORIDA STATE: Who was the “only” Prognosticator to pick the Seminoles over the Heels? No need to thank me, it’s how I roll….

ALABAMA: I was going to write something clever here, but Mount Cody Blocked it…

OKLAHOMA: The Sooners aren’t the same without Bradford,
but they are still a force to be reckoned with.
If you don’t think so, let’s see a show of hands of “Who” wants to play them in a bowl game?
Boise State put your hands down…

PAC 10: I am beginning to believe I couldn’t pick one of your games correctly if you were playing the cast of “Sesame Street”, which by the way is a part of the “always” tough Southern California Trojans “road” schedule.

WASHINGTON: Bad Dogs……

CHATTANOOGA: Come on Moccasins, the playoffs aren’t out of reach….
It’s time to man up….

FLORIDA: I don’t know if the opposition has placed Kryptonite in the end zone to keep Superman out,
but the Gators better figure out the mystery before it’s too late.

OHIO STATE: This is a message for the few disgruntled Buckeye Fans…

Are you serious?
You want to run Coach Tressel out of town?

Have you forgotten John Cooper?

Have you forgotten the National Championship?

Have you forgotten the Buckeye Heisman Trophy winner?

Have you forgotten the dominance of the hated Maze and Blue?

You people (That’s right I said “you” people)
You should be ashamed of yourselves…

IOWA: I can’t believe it myself….
But the Eyes of the Hawk are for real
Believe it…

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: The Horned Amphibians will be undefeated this year…
Just as I predicted…

BOSIE STATE: See Texas Christian “above”
No need to thank me, your adulation embarrasses me…

NORTH ALABAMA: I am thinking “another” National Championship for the Lions…
But if the young cubs don’t rediscover their offense they will never make it…

WEST VIRGINIA: To the Mountaineer Coaches, Players and Fans…
That was a class act honoring the fallen Connecticut Football Player on Saturday
First Class…..

SOUTHERN METHODIST: My Proud Ponies are down but they are far from out….

NCAA: So where are you on the “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?
Are you all just too busy counting textbooks and checking on who’s fishing or what?

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Welcome to Candy Land!
I enjoy opening my emails with that catchy little diddy…
As you know I have become the Number One Kenny Rogers imitator in the tri-state area!
No thanks in small part to your Encouragement!
Anyway, the University of Cincinnati hasn’t answered my “offer” to sing the National Anthem at their next game.
I think it would give them “extra” luck if I were to sing and maybe throw in some
”Islands in the Stream” for good measure too!
So anyway, do you think you could contact the University of Cincinnati and see if you could get them to let me sing at the next game?
It will be glorious!
Jack McCracken – Cincinnati, Ohio

A: First, I want to go on record as “not encouraging you”,
Second I have to ask; you don’t know where I live do you?
But it case you were wondering, it’s a little hard to find town outside of Nome, Alaska.

Q: O’ Man! You did it!
I just read the article in Fox Sports that the refs for UF/Ark game were suspended.
They were the very same crew that worked (and screwed up) the LSU/UGA game.
Dude, you’ve got clout.
Thanks!
Hank – North Charleston, South Carolina

A: Be Thankful my Super Powers are always used for good…
Well, most of the time anyway…

Q: What wrong wit you? You no write back wit address on mascot we need change!
Military academy mascot no good, make us immigrants feel bad.
Navy goat look like honorable grandmother and Ho Chi Minn.
Army mule look like honorable grandfather, kick like him too.
Air Force falcon remind us of Hanoi bomb! Number ten very bad!
Ding Dung – San Francisco, California

A: I’m really sorry….
But every time I read “Ding Dung”
I think…
“Whose there?”

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
You picked the Delaware Blue Hens early in the season
and then you just stopped listing them. Is there a reason you stopped having them in your weekly picks?
Thanks!
Ben – Dover, Delaware

A: I will answer your email after I stop laughing hysterically….
“Ben Dover”….yes, I am that easily amused.

Q: Dear Mr Wizard
I been thinkin bout playin that Ga-Fla game game in Jacksonville again.
Well, I finally found a good excuse not to EVER play it down there.
If you sit and stare at that picture of a Flarda license plate what does it look like?
If you said it looks like some mans not so excited private parts, well, you’d be right.
So, we don’t want are children being exposed to any state sponsored pornography so we should never, EVER go to Flarda again!!!

http://www.dmvflorida.org/florida-license-plate.shtml

Do you think maybe we could use that excuse and get the game moved to Valdosta permanantly?
GO DAWGS!! WOOF WOOF!!
Lemuel in Ludowici

A: If nothing else Lemuel, you sir are persistent.

Q: Mike, what’s the deal?
Why do you hate Phil Fulmer so much?
Jimmie – Beaumont, Texas

A: Beyond his attack on the CBS College Football Game Day Studio Hosts..
Which by the way, is still under investigation

Fat Phil Fulmer is rumored to have killed David “Grasshopper” Carradine

I am still not over it…

Have a great week…
Your College Football Week 9 Picks will be out later..

RTR
MEB

No my friend you did not….

If you want to know what my problem is with the NCAA
then look no further than the question the gentleman proposed.

The national sports media refuses to discuss or mention the U$C investigation or Reggie Bush
because they are prostitutes to the NCAA and the rapidly declining American Dollar.
Well paid prostitutes, but prostitutes none the less.

I can hear the howls from the West Coast now….
“If there was anything to it (They will say…)
then the PAC 10 Conference and the NCAA would have discovered something by now.”

I got news for you…
Those damn fools couldn’t find an elephant if they were tied to its tail
and you want to know why, because “they” don’t want to find anything.
“They” want this to just all go away….

The “investigators” at the PAC 10 Conference and the NCAA make Hootie Snitch look like Melvin Purvis.

Beyond the above photographic evidence and Reggie Bush’s momma’s house paid for by Reggie’s then registered sports agent while he was still a student athlete for the Trojans, let me simply say this…

So O.J. Simpson and Snoop Dog and a host of other “former” athletes and convicted felons can “hang out” (according to Pete Carroll) in the Trojan locker room, football practice and on the sidelines of games, but Mr. Bryant of Oklahoma State can’t have any “interaction” with a former athlete like Deon Sanders?

The Los Angeles Times and other publications have reported
that sports agents have been a fixture in the Trojan locker room during the Pete Carroll era.
So that’s O.k.?

So where are we today with the NCAA?

The NCAA continues to fight Florida State University
on the release of their “investigation” into alleged academic fraud by some student athletes at the university.
I say “alleged” because the NCAA is afraid to have their “investigation” released to the public for their review and critique.

Yet the NCAA is silent on the “investigation” on Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans.

In Tuscaloosa….
The University of Alabama sent a strongly worded appeal to the NCAA which was met with even stronger verbiage form the NCAA Committee on Infractions that levied textbook sanctions against the Crimson Tide.
The COI called the University of Alabama “a serial repeat violator” with an “abysmal infractions track record” and a “extensive recent history of infraction cases unmatched by any other member institution in the NCAA,” in responding to the textbook appeal, according to documents released by the university on Tuesday.
The University of Alabama fired back to the COI statements by saying..
“At least 27 institutions have experienced the same number or more major infractions cases than the University of Alabama. Characterizing the University of Alabama as “abysmal” therefore maligns half of the PAC 10, half of the Big 12 and three schools in the ACC and four members of the Big 10.”

The COI argued that Alabama could have received harsher penalties.
This of course is the kind of response we have come to expect from the NCAA dictatorship, isn’t it?
To that the University replied, “If the COI has vacated all contests for all student athletes who received impermissible benefits, it would have found itself vacating contests based on benefits as small as 35 cents.”
Yet, we hear nothing from the NCAA on the “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans and when did that “investigation” supposedly begin 2006?

So what should be done about the NCAA?
It’s simple….
The members of this “institution” need to revolt
Revolt and hold the NCAA hostage for a change
The member institutions should “Demand……”
If the NCAA doesn’t change their tactics and become more consistent
in all they do they we will secede from this corrupt organization.
If this is too tough for beginners, then how about this for starters..
tell us about the status on the NCAA “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans.

You won’t punish them then you ain’t punishing us..
that’s how it should work.

I have had many people tell me…
that secession from the NCAA could never happen..
because colleges and universities are afraid they would be outcasts from the collegiate sports community.

What happened to this country?
We used to be brave and courageous people
There was a time when we didn’t tolerate dictators

Now we are afraid of our own shadows…

We would rather listen to a lie and subject ourselves to abuse rather than revolt and cast off a dictatorship.

My Friends it’s time to be bold, courageous and brave and Secede from the NCAA

“Nex Usquequaque ut Tyrannus”

RTR
MEB

This past Saturday was certainly the Day of the Dog….
There were Bulldogs and Huskies…..
They came from Georgia, Mississippi State and Northern Illinois and Washington

On this day their bite was way worse than their bark….

The Bulldogs of Georgia hunkered down and treated Arkansas like a far sighted geriatric Mail carrier….

Bully from Mississippi State chewed the Commodores like a new dog toy….

The Huskies from Northern Illinois turned Purdue Pete into a crying four year old

And what did the Huskies from Washington do?
The week before they snapped the nation’s longest losing streak….
This past Saturday the Mighty Huskies took down the national sports media’s darling.

Congratulations to the Big Dogs….
We won’t forget that day anytime soon….

Now let’s take a look at the rest of the action that took place on Saturday

ARMY: O.K, I pick you to win and you lose…..
I pick you to lose and you win…
If this is some kind of Physiological ploy to confuse me
I want you to know, it’s working.

SOUTHERN METHODIST: Damn it Ponies, you almost had them….

SOUTHERN MISS: Much like the rest of the Golden Eagle Fans…
I want to thank you for scaring the crap out of me Saturday…
Great win over a tough ACC opponent..

TENNESSEE: All that bragging makes you feel pretty stupid about now
Doesn’t it?

VIRGINIA TECH: When the going gets tough in Blacksburg..
The Hokies will throw the two biggest Wang’s in college football at you.
Which despite the fact I am talking about the Wang brothers that play defense for the Hokies….
That just sounded nasty..
Sorry..

UTAH: Many of my Utah faithful have asked me “What happened on Saturday?”
Here is your answer…
With a number of senior leadership graduating last season they have too much Ute on the current team to have overcome the pesky quackers.

NAVY: Damn it….

OHIO STATE: My Buckeye faithful….
I have a question for you…
In your game with U$C last week, did you allow PAC 10 referees to officiate the game?
The reason I ask…
I have photographic proof that the Trojan$ didn’t score their touchdown on fourth and goal
More on this later

BRIGHAM YOUNG: It looked like Cinderella lost her shoes…

KENTUCKY: Congratulations on winning the Commonwealth Cup
You Big Cats deserved it…

CINCINNATI: I would have picked you BearKat’s this past Saturday….
But as we already discussed last week
I never got my shipment of Gold Star or Sky Line Chili…
Yes, it’s like that

BAYLOR: Please see “Navy”

NOTRE DAME: Told you so….

FLORIDA STATE: In case you didn’t know…
The Seminoles went into Saturday’s game with an unfair advantage
Coach Bobby not only read Brigham Young’s play book
He knew the man…

ARKANSAS: This is for the Razorback quarterback…
Listen Ryan, I know you came from Michigan and football up there is a “big deal”
But down here, don’t run your mouth about southern boys before you play them..
If you need a reference, please see “Tennessee” above.

WASHINGTON: I want to thank my Huskies Fans for writing me in various stages of inebriation on Saturday night, but let’s not forget that I did invoke the name of the Original Dog Father, Coach Don James in this weeks picks….
No need to thank me…

U$C: In case all you Trojans were wondering…
We are not laughing with you..
We are laughing AT you…

COLLEGE FOOTBALL POLLS: Now let’s see….
Ohio State lost a close battle to the Trojan$ and they fell out of the top ten….
The University of the Second coming lost to an unranked team..
But I am betting they won’t fall as far as Ohio State did losing to a ranked team…
And we are supposed to believe this is “unbiased”?

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Awesome Pick Mike!
I couldn’t believe it when you picked the Cane’s to beat the Yellow Jacks of Georgia Tech!
We hadn’t beaten them in 4 years!
How did you do it?
Thanks again!
Troy – Fort Lauderdale, Florida

A: It’s a blessing and a curse Troy.

Q: Sir, I’m currently in need of some players.
I lost my Smelley, Succup combo and realllllly need a replacement.
I am impressed with the Green, Cox combo incorporated by my contemporaries at UGA.
Think you could get me a Lotta, Butts or maybe a Smelly, Finger combo?
Thanks
Steve Spurrier
The REAL USC

A: Coach, what did I tell you about contacting me on this forum?
Just call me…

Q: Dear Sir –
We hope with the recent passing of our great President of the NCAA, Myles Brand that you feel some remorse over the many things you have written on your website concerning this fine man.
With his passing we hope that we can move past the rhetoric together and towards real reform in collegiate athletics.
We here at the NCAA will miss President Myles Brand and his leadership but we know that he is looking down on the staff of the NCAA and depending on all of us to continue his work in college athletics.
Sincerely – The NCAA Enforcement Staff, Indianapolis, Indiana

A: Didn’t you mean to say “he is looking up”….
The only reason I mention it..
Is because I hope you all had the good sense to bury him in an asbestos suit.
I have a sneaking suspicion he is going to need it.

Q: Dude! What the Hell!
You picked Notre Dame over the Spartans!
We hadn’t beaten them at home since 1993!
We are still partying in South Bend!
How’d you do it?
Sean – South Bend, Indiana

A: Call it the luck of the Irish..

Q: Dear Sir,
Just a short letter to inform you that MYLES DIDN’T GET ME!
MYLES DIDN’T GET ME, NYAHH, NA NA NA NA!

Pete Carroll
Supreme Commander of Football
University of $outhern California

A: I can’t say this letter is a surprise..

Q: Dear Mr Wizard,
As the NUMBER UNO BIGGEST GEORGIA BULLDAWG FAN IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE!
I have been reading up on that female runner everybody’s been talking about.
See, she’ supposed to be a cross between a guy and a girl.
I saw a picture of her and she does kinda look like a girl.
But, when you hear her talk she sounds like a guy.
They said she’s got some of them male parts of her…
I think they call ‘em Tostitos or something that aint dropped yet.
Kinda like a dawg puppy that aint quite grown up yet.
You know, after a few months their Tostitos will drop and everything like that.
Well, I got to lookin’ at some of them Tennessee Volunteers cheerleaders on the TV the other day and got to thinkin that boy, some of them girls look like they could be that runner girls sister!! Or brother!!
Do you thank them Tennessee Volunteers have been recruitin’ cheerleaders from foreign countries?
Is that even legal?
I think that I’m going to write the NCAAP and tell that Mr Myles Brand that he needs to be a lookin’ up some of them girls skirts to make sure they are the right S – E – X to be doin’ some cheerin.
Besides, my buddy Homer Philpot said that Mr Lane Kiffin was using a couple of them girls in their games as receivers and that just aint fair!!
Lenny in Ludowici

A: You’ve been drinking again, haven’t you Lenny?

More later on in the week…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Our wait has been rewarded….
No, I am not talking about Michael Jackson finally being buried….

Week One of the 2009 College Football Season is behind us….
So let’s take a quick look back at some of the games that took place over the Labor Day Weekend
and answer a few Email Questions and Answers.

Forgive me for a moment…
Before we look back at our weekend college football games I need to make a few apologizes……

WEEKEND CORRECTIONS: In no particular order…..

ARMY BLACK KNIGHTS: Who knew you could actually beat a school that didn’t have “culinary” in their school name?

IDAHO VANDELS: I have never met a potato I didn’t like…..
So what was I thinking?

NORTH ALABAMA LIONS: Shame on me for doubting the Mighty Lions…
It won’t happen again…..

LABOR DAY WEEKEND REWIND

ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAMEDAY:
It was great to see Coach Lee Corso back on College Gameday.
It wouldn’t have been the same without you Coach…
Welcome Back…..

ABC/ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL MUSIC INTRO:
This past weekend and presumably for the entire college football season, viewers will be forced to listen to Kenny Chesney’s nasally voice open the televised game of the week with a “song” that has nothing to do with the contest at hand.

EDITORS NOTE: It’s like this….
If I want to hear a gay guy in a cowboy hat sing…
I would prefer to listen to Elton John singing “Saturday Nights Alright for Fighting”.
At least that’s more appropriate for a college football game.

IOWA: You Hawkeyes got by the Panthers by the hair of your Chinny Chin Chin

EDITORS NOTE: The above comment….
Was not intended in any way as a reference to the San Francisco phone book….

MISSOURI: I love the Three Stooges, so I should have known better…
Sorry I doubted you MO….
Great win Tigers….

WILLIAM & MARY: I don’t know what Bill and Mary were drinking this weekend, but I do know they kicked Virginia’s butt.

THE NAVAL ACADEMY: These Midshipmen are tougher than my sister-in-law’s pot roast. And that is really saying something…

EDITORS NOTE: And as side note….
If you haven’t seen the Midshipmen play football…
Let me say this….
You don’t know what you are missing….
Midshipmen Ricky Dobbs is one of the finest college football players I have ever seen.

PENN STATE: Good to see you back on the sidelines Joe Pa…..
We missed you…

ASSUMPTION: After this past weekend….
I think we can “assume” you know how to whip some Worchester Sauces ass…

OKLAHOMA: You didn’t believe my picks this week did you?
Especially that one Sooner fan that wrote me from Kansas City….
What did I tell you?
“Don’t count the Cougars out of this one…”Enough said…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I love how the National Sports media makes San Jose State sound like the New England Patriots…

MIAMI HURRICANES: One down….three tough games in a row, to go…

COLONIAL ATHLETIC CONFERENCE: In case you weren’t keeping score…
Colonial Athletic Conference “2” – Atlantic Coast Conference “0”

OREGON: By now we have all seen the meltdown by Duck running back LeGarrette Blount after the Boise State game last Thursday night.

In case you didn’t know, he was the Oregon player that said weeks leading up to the Boise State game..
“We are going to give them (Boise State) an ass whipping”

He is the very same player that was “suspended indefinitely” earlier in the year for violating team rules.

He was being promoted by the Ducks as a Heisman Trophy candidate…..

And as you may also know….
Following the “incident” after the game….
The University of Duck “suspended” him for the season, but allowed him to stay on scholarship and practice with the football team.

National Sports Media’s Reaction……

Former Michigan Great Desmond Howard stated on ESPN’s College Gameday…
“The Boise State player had to have said something to provoke Blount.”
Howard went on to state….
“There is never any reason to taunt another player”, referring to the alleged taunt by the Boise State player that set Blount on his way to a full fledge national televised meltdown.

EDITORS NOTE: Really Desmond?
So what were you doing when you struck the Heisman pose in the Ohio State game?
Taunting or just bragging?

My Take….
Blount is a thug and a coward.
I don’t care what the Boise State player said to him…
When you run your mouth before the game, you have to take it after the game.

Although it is nice to know the University of Quack rewards bad behavior, or perhaps they are preparing him for a career in the NBA, but there is no rational reason to keep him on scholarship or on the football team.
Enough said…

SIDELINE REPORTERS: Holly Rowe is the best sideline reporter in the Business.
Period…..
And as a side note: The people that write ugly things about her weight in blogs should be ashamed of themselves.
It just goes to show you how ugly some people can act…..

ESPN PART II: Just a reminder for College Football Commentator Mark Jones…..
This is College Football, not the Snoop Diggity Dog Show….
So drop the ear ring while you are on television jackass…

MICHIGAN: This past week a number of current and former wolverine players have stated that Coach Rich Rod routinely violates NCAA rules related to the time student athletes can spend on football related activities.

I found the National Sports Media’s reaction to this story interesting….

National Sports Media’s Reaction……

MARK MAY of ESPN: “Listen people; everybody does it, this isn’t a big deal”

JOHN SAUNDERS of ABC: “It sounds like some disgruntled student athletes to me, because everybody in college football does it.”

My Take……
So is that how it is when something happens north of the Ohio River?
“Everybody does it”
Meanwhile, the NCAA is trying to price the cost of “Live Bait” for three Crimson Tide players to repay the cost of a fishing trip and calling it “entertainment”.
But still not a word on the “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans….
We see how it is….
NCAA rules only apply to the Universities in the South……

ABC COLLEGE FOOTBALL: What in the Holy name of Darrell Royal is Bob Griese doing commentating on a college football game?
He not only doesn’t know anything, he doesn’t even suspect anything either.

CONGRATULATIONS…..
Congratulations to former Ohio State Buckeye Great Chris Spielman for being selected for induction into the College Football Hall of Fame.
He has always been a Class act on and off the field, this award is richly deserved.
And as a side note….
I hope Chris’s beautiful bride, Miss Stefanie starts feeling better real soon.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICKS WEEK ONE “UPSET SPECIAL”……In case you didn’t notice…
Not only did your favorite college football prognosticator pick Baylor over Wake Forest last week in the “Upset Special” but hit the score right on the money as well.
No need to thank me…..
It’s what I do..

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
I have a question that I hope you can answer.
I enjoy reading your articles and I really like the new website, but each time I read one of your articles, I see you writing your article while riding a unicorn through clouds that look a lot like cotton candy.
Is this normal?
Jack McCracken – Cincinnati, Ohio

A: I don’t know which is more disturbing…
The email or your name…

Q: Mike, what is the deal with all these short receivers in the Southeastern Conference?
The running backs aren’t much bigger either, so is this some kind of a trend?
Ted – Fredericksburg, Virginia

A: Ted, it doesn’t matter if you are two inches taller than an Umpa Lumpa, as long as you are faster than a speeding bullet.

Q: Dear Sir,
I am a fan of Oregon and have the following question.
Our star running back LeGarette Blount, AKA Run El Gee Bee, has been suspended for the season. I think this punishment was way too severe considering the guy he allegedly punched was able to walk away afterward.
Also, those Boise State fans were taunting this poor young man……
How could you expect him to behave himself in such a hostile environment?
With this in mind, what are the chances that Oregon could maybe redshirt this fine upstanding young man so that he could come back and play next year?
Chip – Eugene, Oregon

A: What are the chances of reinstating him?
I would say the chances are Slim and None and Slim has left town…

Q: Hey Mister Damn Knows it all!
We is on our way to the National Championship, so how you a liking them apples?
The Tennessee Vols done went an beat one whole side of Kentucky last week!
I believe it was the whole western part of the state!
I ain’t sure if that includes Lousiville, but I am pretty sure it includes Paducah.
Imagine what we a going to do the rest of the year!
Go Vols!
Scooter Cooter – Twisted Branch, Tennessee

A: Tennessee Fans should really look into getting “Spell Check”….

Q: Mike now that your website is getting more and more popular…
Have you been approached by any advertisers?
We love the website by the way!
Barbara – Ardmore, Oklahoma

A: Thank you Barbara for the kind words…
As you know the economy is in a tight spot…..
So advertising is hard to come by these days….
However I have been approached by Yoder’s Meat and Cheese Company….

Nothing says goodness….
Like canned Amish Meat and Cheese…
It’s fun for the whole family…

http://www.yodersmeatshoppe.com/prime-meat.php

Stop laughing I am serious…

Your picks will be out later in the week…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Following my recent commentary on the NCAA and NAACP’s coordinated punishment of the universities within the states of South Carolina and Mississippi over what they view as “intolerance”.

ESPN’s Gene Wojciechowski decided to inject his northern view point into the argument with a diatribe of his own.

You don’t have to be a “master of the obvious” to guess which side of the discussion he took.

My favorite quote in his article….
“South Carolina suffers, they need to change….”

Let us not forget my fine Polish hyphenated American friend that “they” suffer because two out of control “organizations” don’t recognize popular elections or legitimate state government’s in this country.

We shouldn’t forget that these “two” organizations care more about who lines their respective pockets than they do about “people of color”.

We should remember that these two “non-profit organizations” preach education and tolerance but yet are the most ignorant and intolerant of almost anyone in the country.

But I have to ask…
Change for whom?

Because some Polish hyphenated American Yankee…. Said so?

EDITORS NOTE: Insert your favorite Polish joke here….

I wonder if ole Gene drives a Mercedes…..

If he does I guess we can assume that he is already over the Holocaust……

If Gene or any of the other minions of “Change” and “Tolerance” drives Japanese made automobiles..
Now we have a whole new set of issues.

Lest we forget….
These were the folks that brought us the attack on Pearl Harbor…
and the Bataan Death March….

They never had to apologize…

Do you drive one of those little Mitsubishi sports cars?
Those folks used to make a dandy little fighter plane too….
Ever heard of the “Zero” or the “Betty Bomber”?

Would you like to discuss Toyota and Nissan’s role in World War II?

See my point yet?

And to my hard core feminist readership I ask you…..

EDITORS NOTE: I know it was a surprise to me as well….
Presumably they read my column…
Just to have something to complain about at their Lesbian Anonymous meetings….

The Japanese never apologized for enslaving thousands of women and forcing them into prostitution.
killing many of them after their “term of service” was complete.

So, that’s O.K?

But anything to do with the confederate battle flag isn’t?

The fact that Mississippi’s Flag was approved by a state wide election and the South Carolina legislature moved the confederate battle flag to a war monument on the state grounds has nothing to do with the truth now does it?

These organizations perpetuate lies as truth….

That is what they do….

So let me add some truth to this equation and we will move off the subject…..

I have the solution to the problems perpetuated by the NAACP & the NCAA

EDITORS NOTE: Hard to believe, but true…

Drop the “hyphenated” American titles…
You are either an American or you are something else…
Take your pick…

The “Rebel” mascot is no more racist than the “Fighting Sioux” or Chief Illini or the Fighting Okra….”
And believe or not friends…
A damn shoe whether it’s a moccasin or an oxford doesn’t identify one as a racist either.
If that were true…..
Makes you wonder what the Klansmen and the Black Panthers are wearing this season doesn’t it.

But if “they” are really concerned about what somebody thinks about college mascots..
Do something about that stupid Geoduck mascot at Evergreen State…
It looks like a foam rubber turd with legs…

Instead of perpetuating a “Victim Mentality” why not promote self sufficiency?
I will tell you why they don’t because most of these idiots would be out of work…

EDITORS NOTE: Frankly every time I see Al Sharpton or Myles Brand on television I hear Linda Ronstadt singing “Poor Poor Pitiful Me”….
But they aren’t “Poor”, are they?

Stop flashing the victim card faster than a Las Vegas black jack dealer every time something doesn’t go to suit you….

You can’t have it both ways….

Lastly we need to secede from the NCAA…..

This goes for Polish hyphenated American Yankee sports writers at ESPN too…

If you think I have been too harsh or insensitive with any of my comments..
Let me answer those charges in the verbiage of our times.

Perhaps I will recalibrate my statement in the future….
But hopefully we can all use this as a teachable moment.

EDITORS NOTE: And some of you don’t think I am up to speed on today’s lingo.

Six more days until kickoff….
Your Week 1 College Football Picks will be out on Wednesday of next week…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Coach Joe Paterno is entering his 60th year at Penn State….
Jo Pa started as an assistant coach in Happy Valley in 1950….
Then he became Head Football Coach of the Nittany Lions in 1966.

Joe Pa has seen it all….
He has coached against the best ever in college football…..
And he currently holds the record for most victories of any Division I coach in college football history……

And as a side note: Joe Pa is a class guy…..

So why is Joe Pa angry with the NCAA?

At a recent press conference covering the first week of practice at Penn State
Joe Pa went off the script as he often does…..
He stated that he feels that the NCAA is punishing Florida State too harshly by removing 14 victories over the recent “investigation” by the NCAA into academic fraud by a limited number of student athletes.

More specifically in punishing Bobby Bowden with the removal of 14 victories…

Coach Joe had this to say about the NCAA’s decision to vacate 14 wins from Coach Bobby and the Seminoles….

“The NCAA is going to do what it’s going to do, but I would hope they would not take away 10 or 12 wins away from him (Bobby Bowden). I don’t think that’s fair.
He coached the team he had; they played against people, and they won.
They ought to be wins for them”

After this statement Coach Joe was asked what he thought….
About the manner in which the NCAA conducts their investigations and his opinion of President Myles Brand.
He demonstrated his opinion with a simple gesture known by all….

I couldn’t agree more Joe…..

Your final installment of the Pre-Season College Football Extravaganza will be out Friday….

RTR
MEB

But much like the infomercials of our day…
“There is more…..”

Much more…..

Take for example Reggie’s cover of “DUB” magazine…

This beautiful black on black fully restored 1996 Chevrolet Impala SS….
Was purchased for Reggie by New Era Sports in early 2005 while he was still a student athlete at U$C….

Reggie even stated in the article that the sound system was “Off the hook….”
I bet that cost a pretty penny….

Yet U$C and Reggie say that he (Reggie) purchased the automobile while he was a student athlete attending U$C….
Yet he can’t seem to produce a receipt or remember where it was purchased…

All of that is probably hard to remember…
Since Reggie didn’t have a job during the entire time he was at U$C…..

If you think I am wrong……
Then why did Reggie sell “his baby” immediately after the story broke….

EDITORS NOTE: Look at the bright side Trojan fans…
It’s a good thing Reggie didn’t sell a text book while he was a student athlete….
Or he could have gotten into some real trouble with the NCAA.

RTR
MEB

Your wait is over…..
The 2009 Edition of the College Football Preseason Extravaganza is here…..

You didn’t really believe your Favorite College Football Prognosticator would leave you hanging did you?

This year we have a lot to cover and two additional conferences to review.
So you will have three different installments of the Preseason Extravaganza.

Your follow on installment will be out next Friday….

So my dear readers….
Please place your seats in the upright position and buckle your safety belts…
The 2009 College Football Season promises to be a bumpy ride….

Enjoy….

How to Make College Football Better….

Before we get started I have a few Ideas I would like to share with you..
Now I know what you are thinking….
“Here we go again…..”

Hardly my dear friends and fellow college football fanatics…

I am not here to institute “Change”…..
But to solidify those traditions in the game that we have lost or are losing….

I have composed a brief list of those things I would like to see…
To make our beloved College Football Season better…

1. We don’t need a room full of talking bobble head doll commentators to tell us what we ALREADY know, nor do we NEED them to hype a college football game for us…

NOTE TO TELEVISION COMMENTATORS:
WE ALREADY KNOW THE GAME IS IMPORTANT…
THAT IS WHY WE ARE WATCHING IT – DUMBASS.

2. Introduce the football players before the game.
Or better yet, let them introduce themselves, like they did “back in the day…”
I want to know…
Where they are from, what year they are in college and what they are studying…
Why?
Because some of these kids are the ONLY people in their family to attend college or the ONLY people from their towns that ever went off to college.
Those kids and their families and those little towns deserve that recognition.

3. Believe it or not there is nothing wrong with having an invocation before a football game. In fact asking the All Mighty to keep anybody from getting killed during the football game does not constitute “an endorsement of religion” despite what the gibbering idiots on the Supreme Court want you to believe.

EDITORS NOTE: Case in Point….
IF you were playing for the Eastern Idaho Fertilizer Distributors Academy and you were playing the mighty Southern California Trojans wouldn’t you want some assurance that you wouldn’t end up in the hospital before the fourth quarter?
In case you were wondering…
I believe that game is scheduled in October as part of the “brutal” Trojan non-conference schedule.

4. Show the College Marching Bands at half-time.
You can run the scores of other games along the top and bottom of the screen if you want to or if the viewer has an itchy remote trigger finger, he or she can switch to one of the other 100 channels and catch another game.
Those kids in the Marching Bands are a part of the rich tradition and pageantry of College Football and those kids put as much time on the field practicing as the teams themselves.

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note…
If you are a male over the age of ten and you really don’t want to see the LSU Golden Girls or the beautiful University of Alabama Crimsonettes, then you have issues.
Enough said….

5. Make the College Football Referees and Umpires accountable.
Let’s be honest here….
These guys make 180 to 250K for working a 6 month job.
Not that I have a problem with that….
However…
Where are the background checks on these guys?
Are we to believe that “they” are all above reproach?
Shouldn’t they be held to some sort of standard in this “profession”?
What is the punishment when they don’t meet that standard and cost a team a game or a shot at a Championship?
Where is the almighty NCAA in that discussion?

EDITORS NOTE: If you think this doesn’t matter; ask any Oklahoma Sooner Fan about the Oregon Duck game a couple of years ago. They will tell you…..

6. We don’t need the BCS nor do we need any college football playoffs.
Listen closely….
IF you are a big time college football program that wants to play for the National Championship..
Then drop the Division III Vietnamese Hair and Nail Salon Beauty Colleges from your respective schedules and play OTHER big time college football programs DURING the season.
There is your play-off system ladies and gentlemen…..
Problem solved…

7. Only “One” college transfer for the cry baby college football player that wants to transfer to another college because he isn’t getting enough playing time.
Clearly these knuckleheads have forgotten about the “team” sport concept and the advantage of getting a college education.

8. The “politically” correct Nazis at the NCAA should stay out of the College Mascot business. The North Dakota “Fighting Sioux” isn’t racist, nor was the Newberry College “Indians”. If you are “offended” by these mascots let me break it down for you….
You are a spineless idiot that roams the earth in search of something, anything that “in your” perverted view of life can be viewed as offensive.
I pray that you haven’t reproduced and are so offended by this statement that you drink the “Jim Jones Cool-Aide” and simply…go away……

9. The NCAA actually does what it was actually designed to be…
Which is an organization designed to establish standards of collegiate athletics.
NOT…..
Steal images of college football players and make millions from EA Sports video games.
NOT….
Show favoritism in compliance of the application of the NCAA rules…
NOT…
Negotiate television revenue and manipulate universities revenue streams…
NOT…
Partner with other unethical organizations to punish southern universities and colleges.
NOT…
Ignore State and Federal laws in an effort to further your own arrogant financial agenda.

Have I made my point?

10. The Southeastern Conference, the Atlantic Coast Conference and the Big 12 should secede from the NCAA and form their own College Sports Conference and break the backs and financial stranglehold the NCAA has on college athletics.

FAMOUS COACH’S QUOTE

“I’m on my kids at every turn, every day, doing whatever I can to keep outside influences from clouding their thought processes.” …
U$C Coach Pete Carroll talking to the Los Angeles Times on April 26, 2006….
About his effort to maintain a clean program

EDITORS NOTE: I am assuming…
This interview took place before Snoop Dog and O.J. Simpson were given “free” access to the locker room and players.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL CULTURE

As I have attempted to illuminate in the past….
There is a big difference between college football in the Deep South and the college football culture of California.
But for you that still need an illustrated example this brief comparison is for you…
I hope this helps
Enjoy…..

WOMEN’S ATTIRE

California: Woodstock 1960’s vintage hippie chic’ (no bath or shower or deodorant)

Down South: Designer duffel or purse with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), cell phone and a bottle of Perrier.
Wallet not necessary-that’s what dates are for……

STADIUM SIZE

California: College football stadiums hold 40,000

Down South: Most High school football stadiums hold 20,000

NOTABLE EXCEPTIONS:
Los Angles Memorial Coliseum and the Rose Bowl neither of which belongs to the respective schools playing in them.

LEGENDARY NAMES

California: O.J. Simpson and Reggie Bush

Down South: Hershel Walker, Bo Jackson, Earl Campbell and Billy Cannon

WEATHER

California: Rain, Earth Quakes, Mud Slides and other disasters of Biblical proportions.

Down South: Sunny, highs mid-60s, lows in the thirties.

FATHERS

California: Expect their daughters to understand the spirit of “Diversity” and the complications of the O.J. Simpson Trial.

Down South: Expect their daughters to understand the Wishbone and the Spread Offence as well as the difference between the 4-3 and the 3-4 defenses.

ATTIRE

California: Male and female alike: Dread locks and flip flops standard.

Down South:
Male – Pressed khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat and or college team logo.
Female – Ankle or knee length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford.

EDITORS NOTE: Girls in the south can make a mans heart flutter with a smile..
How in the hell does that work in California with dirty ass 1960’s clothes and dread locks?
It doesn’t, that’s the point.

ALUMNI

California: Take prospects on sailing trips to Catalina Island to discuss the complexities of the O.J. Simpson Trial.

Down South: Take prospects on fishing trips so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year.

CAMPUS DECOR

California: Statues of Johnnie Cochran

Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners and National Championship Coaches.

HOMECOMING QUEEN

California: Also a major in ethnic studies with a minor in “feel bad about myself”.

Down South: Also Miss USA.

HEROES

California: Johnnie Cochran

Down South: Paul “Bear” Bryant, Bobby Bowden, Steve Spurrier, Darrel Royal and the LSU Chinese Bandits.

GETTING TICKETS

California: 15 minutes before the game you can walk up to the ticket counter and purchase tickets while negotiating through the protest for the “Rights of Tibet”.

Down South: 5 months before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.

FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME

California: Students and Professors are planning a protest against one of the following:
1. The Republican Party
2. People Wearing Fur
3. People that Eat Meat
4. The Republican Party
5. Anyone against Same-Sex marriage

Down South: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class on Friday.

PARKING

California: An hour before the game the university opens the campus for game parking.

Down South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday night for the Saturday’s Game festivities.

EDITORS NOTE: The real faithful in the South begin arriving on Tuesday.

GAME DAY

California: A few students get together in the dorm and smoke their hemp shoes and shorts and talk about the complications of the O.J. Simpson Trial

Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting Game Day “Live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots from out west who wonder why Game Day is never broadcast from their campus.

TAILGATING

California: Enjoying Zima and tofu while listening to local a radio station covering the protest of the lack of rights for Hispanic immigrants.

Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn…..
Cooking accompanied by live performance by Lynyrd Skynyrd who come over during breaks and ask for a couple bottles of beer.

GETTING TO THE STADIUM

California: You have to ask, “Where’s the stadium?”
But first you must negotiate through the crowd protesting outside the stadium for the Rights of Tibet…

Down South: When you’re near it, you’ll hear it.
On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city…..
Believe it…

CONCESSIONS

California: Drinks served in a decorative recyclable paper cup filled to the top with caffeine free soda.

Down South: Drinks served in a 24 oz plastic cup with the home teams mascot-filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.

WHEN THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED

California: Excellent opportunity to stage another protest…..

Down South: 95,000+ fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.

THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE

California: Marijuana and the aroma of sweaty ass smell because nobody bathes before the game to save the whales; by saving one tub of bath water…

Down South: Fireworks with a twist of beer and or fine Kentucky bourbon is customary.

COMMENTARY (MALE)

California: “I still believe O.J. Simpson is innocent”

Down South: “Block some-body damn it!”

COMMENTARY (FEMALE)

California: “I still believe O.J. Simpson is innocent.”

Down South: “Tackle some-body damn it”

AFTER THE GAME

California: The stadium is empty before the game ends; because the next “big” protest begins at 10:00 pm.

Down South: Put another rack of ribs on the smoker….
While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more beer and bourbon while planning begins for next week’s party.

EDITORS NOTE: I hope this helped…

Preseason Observations and Prognostications

Ole Miss isn’t as good as the National Sports media would have you believe.

Michigan Wolverines: See Above.

Southern California Trojans: Please see “Ole Miss” above

Since the once proud Orange Bowl closed its gates in Miami…
The Miami Hurricane Administration has gone to great lengths to attract more fans to the “new” stadium of the Hurricanes.
This season be prepared to witness….
The Cane Athletic Department will distribute “Hurricane Fan Packs” before every home game. My favorite “Fan Pack”?
The Official Miami Hurricane Fan Starter Kit….
It comes with “one size fits all” Crunk Teeth, a Mister T jewelry starter kit and a Ghost Face Killer CD…

Wolverine Coach Rich Rodriguez’s wife will be auditioning later this year for the “new” VH1 Program “Rock of Skanks” with Bret Michaels.

The NCAA will continue to drag its collective feet on the “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans into 2010 without resolution.

The National Sports media will continue to ignore the NCAA “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans, all the while portraying them as the media darlings.

I am convinced that N.C.A.A. stands for National Coalition Against Alabama.

Sometime this season Jo Pa’s glasses will refract the sun and incinerate an entire western Pennsylvania town.

The Virginia Tech Hokies still have the largest Wang in College Football….
Junior Defensive End Ed Wang is 6’6 and weighs nearly 330 pounds.

EDITORS NOTE: What did you think I was talking about?
Shame on you…

The Georgia Bulldogs will be better than advertised this year…..
Way better….

The Naval Academy….
Please see “Georgia Bulldogs” above…

The University of Oregon’s mascot has undergone yet another off season makeover….
The “new” mascot now appears less like a gay Donald Duck on steroids and more like a backup singer in “WAM”.

You will all come to know what I have learned the hard way….
The Boise State Broncos are for real….

The Utah Ute’s…..
See Above

The West Point Football Team will still suck…..

The Ivy League will suck even worse…

If the Louisville Cardinals do not develop something that resembles a defense this year
They will be talking to Tommy “Ears” Tubberville by November….
Believe it….

This coming season the Michigan State Spartans will begin the season by soundly thrashing a couple of colleges that are known more for carburetor repair and animal fertilizer distribution than college football and then lose their respective asses during the Big Ten schedule.
But they will still beat Michigan….
Believe it..

The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets will be the spoiler in the Atlantic Coast Conference

CORRECTION:
The hit NBC television program “The Biggest Loser” is not The Phil Fulmer Story…
Hope this cleared up any misunderstanding..

Maybe it’s just me…
But I always thought Oral Roberts was a dental school.

The Infamous Southeastern Conference referee Penn Wagers….
The absolute worse referee in all of College Football History…
He will screw up at least two games this fall costing two teams a victory that they would have otherwise earned on the field of play.
Believe it….

I still think Auburns mascot “aubie” looks like that cat on a bag of Cheetos.

Oklahoma State and Nebraska will be the spoilers this year in the BIG 12…
Believe it…

Once again this year….
I will wish the Oregon State Beavers had a football player named Jerry Mathers.

EDITORS NOTE: Sometimes I wish for too much…

Unfortunately, despite a number of emails and personal appearances by “yours truly…”
The University of Iowa will not be changing their nickname this year from the “Hawkeye’s” to the “Popeye’s” as was reported a few months ago.
Despite the support of a noted Fried Chicken Franchise, it seems a Federal Law suit filed late last week by Olive Oil and Brutus has prompted the University to keep their current nickname.

I would rather be forced to listen to “The Best of Zamfir” Pan Flute CD on a continuous loop this season than willingly listen to any of the following college football “commentators” during a football game:

Vern Lundquist: This syphilitic old troll’s voice has been designated by the United Nations Human Rights Commission as “Cruel and Unusual punishment….”
Enough said…

Archie Manning: If you look in Webster’s Dictionary under the term “Dumbass”, it says;
See Archie Manning.

Bret Musburger: If he were in “Saved by the Bell” he would be Screech…..

Dan Foust: He is a former “Oregon Duck”….
Enough said….

Mark May: If bull crap was electricity….
Then this idiot would be a walking Nuclear Power Plant.

Pam Ward: Her voice has been proven by the American Medical Association to be the leading cause of suicide on college football Saturdays.

John Saunders: He knows as much about college football as Siegfried and Roy do about heterosexuality.

CORRECTION:
The Hit Disney movie “Big Fat Liar” is not The Phil Fulmer Story.
Hope this cleared up any misunderstanding..

I still think Terry Bowden looks like a shaved woodchuck.

Congratulations are in order!
Coach Lou Holtz was inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame this year…
But did you know….
That Coach Lou will also be inducted into the Wild Turkey Hall of Fame later this year, not so much by his accomplishments in preserving our wildlife or turkey hunting heritage. But by his actually being a 145 pound Tom Turkey himself…
Congratulations Coach and Gobble Gobble to you and yours.

Sometime this season some local “affiliate” television station will refuse to break away from an infomercial for Richard Simmons “Sweating to the Geriatric’s” and force me to miss the first half of a Southeastern Conference match-up.
This outrage will ultimately cause me to call the local affiliate station and threaten them with my Michael Jackson impersonation.

PRETENDERS and CONTENDERS

The truth is there isn’t much room at the top of college football.
It’s true and we all know it too.
So there is no point in writing something about how “everybody” has a chance…
It isn’t true….
You all expect more from Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…

So for your reading pleasure the list of teams, in no particular order, that “really” have a chance at the Title in January 2010 and those teams that very well may derail the party, as well as those teams that well…..
Stand a better chance of winning Power Ball than they do of having a winning season….

CONTENDERS

TEXAS: The Longhorns are the real McCoy

FLORIDA: Two words…”Tim Tebow”

OHIO STATE: After they beat the Trojan$ in the Big Horseshoe…
That’s right I said “after”…..
The Buckeyes will be the team to beat in the Big 11, I mean…Big 10.

LSU: The Mighty Tigers have reloaded….
And they will contend for the SEC Conference Championship…..
Believe it….

BOISE STATE: Remember you heard it here first….
The Broncos will go undefeated and play in a BCS Bowl game…
Will it be the Championship game?
You will have to wait until next week to find out.

OKLAHOMA: Because they are the Sooners…
That’s why

PENN STATE: Never underestimate Jo Pa.

ALABAMA: The Mighty Tide will rise again this year.
But is another undefeated season in the future?
Time will solve that mystery for all of us…

VIRGINIA TECH: The Mighty Hokies will win the ACC Conference Championship this season but the road to Pasadena will be a much steeper climb.

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Their place here is due in large part to being the sports media darlings and aside from playing The Ohio State Buckeyes, the Trojans play a variety of non-conference games that resemble the Characters from “Blues Clues.”
But remember you heard it here first….
The Trojan$ will lose “at least” two games this season…
Then we will all watch ESPN, ABC Sports and the College Football News….Weep

FLY’S IN THE BUTTERMILK

SOUTH CAROLINA: Coach Steve forgot more about football than most coaches know.

SOUTHERN MISS: The Golden Eagles are always dangerous…Period.

HOUSTON: If you play the Cougars this year, you will have a problem.

CLEMSON: These are no paper Tigers, they are for real.

GEORGIA TECH: The Rambling Wreck will ruin many a team’s championship plans this season….

WISCONSIN: Never underestimate the Power of Cheese.

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: The Horned Frogs may have their best team ever…

UTAH: Two words for you….”Sugar Bowl”: Enough said…

TEXAS TECH: Despite losing their record setting quarterback and receivers, you can never underestimate the craftiness of the “Mad Pirate”.

OKLAHOMA STATE: This batch of Cowboys will run roughshod over the BIG 12…
Keep your eye on them…

NEBRASKA: The Cornhuskers will upset one team’s dreams in the BIG 12 this year…
Count on it…

GEORGIA: How Bout them Dawgs!

PRETENDERS

TEMPLE: The Owls are to college football what Gary Busey is to philosophy.

EDITORS NOTE: Just for the record…
My favorite Gary Busey quote…

“Never Dip lower than you can Dip”

Wise words Gary…

DUKE: Seriously….Stick to basketball.

INDIANA: Please See “Duke” above..

OREGON: You are the “Ducks”…
You call your offence “The Quack Attack”…..
You have more uniform combinations than Sears has underwear adds….
Your Marching Band Uniforms look like they were designed by George Jetson while he was smoking crack…
If it weren’t for Evergreen State your mascot would be the laughing stock of college football….
And you honestly think we are going to take you seriously?

WASHINGTON STATE: There are two dozen high schools across the South that could beat the Cougars by 35 points. Enough said…..

BAYLOR: Bears please see “Washington State” above…

MICHIGAN: The only thing that scares opponents this year about the Wolverines is the remote chance of seeing Mrs. Rich Rod without her makeup on….

EDITORS NOTE: I threw up a little bit just thinking about it…

PURDUE: What is up with Purdue Pete’s Head? It’s almost….
Notice I said “Almost”…
As big as Wynonna Judds…

NOTRE DAME: The Fighting Irish will surprise a few teams this year but will fall far below expectations…
It’s Like Déjà vu all over again in South Bend…

RUTGERS: Hey Cinderella! The Party’s Over…

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA: You are here because the media loves you…
You are here because of Reggie Bush….
You’re here because you should have already been hammered by the NCAA like yesterdays ground chuck.
You are here because we all hate your arrogance and lying about your “violations”.
But primarily you are here because this year you will fail….

More Later in the Upcoming segments of the Preseason Extravaganza…
Including your prognostications and Conference Championships…
Breaking Down the BCS Standings and review of Conference Media Days…
Pre-Season Email Questions and Answers and more…

So stay Tuned….
Only 34 more days until Kickoff
RTR
MEB

Some of you have suggested that I “just let it go….”
Others have asked, “Where’s the evidence?”

Let me respond to the first question…..
“Just let it go?”
That is exactly what is wrong with this country today…
We just let everything go….
Including the tyrannical rule of the NCAA…..
God forbid we show any backbone and actually resist a Dictatorship like the NCAA…

Secondly…..
It occurred to me that perhaps providing you some evidence of the Reggie Bush and Southern California Trojans misdeeds is a good idea…

In the past I have provided you a number of instances and documentation on the subject.

But as the old saying goes….

A picture is worth a thousand words…
Or in Reggie Bush and the Trojans case it has been worth millions…..

Submitted for your enjoyment…..
The cover of the New Era promotional material….
Which as we all know by now was Reggie’s sports agent…
While Reggie was still at U$C….

And another…..

And before you ask…..
Yes, Reggie was paid handsomely for it….
While he was still at U$C….

And for my detractors and the defenders of U$C and the NCAA let me ask you a question.

If Reggie didn’t agree to this promotional material and there wasn’t evidence to support that he was signed with this sports agent and agency…..
Then why hasn’t either Reggie, U$C, or the NCAA sued New Era Sports for the licensed use of Reggie’s image or the image of U$C football or trademark use of their uniforms?

Makes you think, doesn’t it?

RTR
MEB

We have a lot of college football news to discuss from Tallahassee to Tacoma….
So let’s get to it…..

TEAM NEWS

TENNESSEE: This past week Athletic Director Mike Hamilton alluded to the Volunteer Football Team wearing black jerseys at selected home games this year….
Despite the fact “black” is not an official color of the University of Tennessee.
In case you were counting….
The current list of “official” University of Tennessee school colors is as follows:
Orangutan Orange
County Work Crew Orange
Road Cone Orange
Hunters Orange
Glow in the Dark Neon Orange
Cheetos Orange
Baboon ass Orange
Pumpkin Orange
Orange peel Orange
Cheese Curl Orange
Nehi Soda Orange
Orange Crème
Infected Spider Bite Orange
Just plain Orange
Teal
Light Blue
Magenta
White
Off-White
Cream
And
Black

EDITORS NOTE: I know what you are thinking…
But this is nothing….
You should see how many mascots they have…
Which we will discuss in a later article….

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED: This past week Stewart Mandel of SI posted his list of the “Top Ten Best College Football Coaches of All-Time.”

Who was Number One?

Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant….

Which goes to show you even a gibbering idiot can get it right occasionally….

FLORIDA STATE: As Bobby Bowden and the Seminole Faithful wait patiently for word on their appeal to the NCAA on the 14 vacated wins…..
It’s important to remember…..
Coach Wally English….
That name doesn’t ring a bell?
He was the Coach for the Tulane Green Wave in 1983…..

The NCAA took two wins away from him that season for playing with what they determined as an ineligible player….
The NCAA said the Green Wave had one ineligible player…
It was the quarterback and the coach’s son…
John English…
But more importantly…..

One of those “wins” went to Bobby Bowden and Florida State….

That’s right….
One of Bobby’s 382 career victories….was actually a loss.

Never mind the 31 games Coach Bobby won at Samford that is counted towards his grand total or his “Big Win” in the Golden Isle Bowl against Gordon Junior College…

The date was September 17, 1983 and the final score was Tulane 34 Florida State 28…

Coach Bobby, according to the asterisk in the Seminole Media Guide, won the game by “forfeit”.

But according to an interview Coach Bobby did on November 9th 1983…
and I quote Coach Bobby….

“I wouldn’t mind getting a little forfeit; I’m getting to the coward stage and will accept a forfeit”

So now the NCAA wants to forfeit 14 Seminole wins from Bobby’s record because they said he used ineligible players.

I guess Coach Bobby has learned the first rule of the NCAA…..

The NCAA giveth and the NCAA taketh away……

SOUTH CAROLINA: This past week the Gamecocks “Self-Reported” 14 secondary violations relating to the football and other athletic programs at the University.
The national sports media couldn’t wait to promote that as a headline…
But what are the secondary violations?
Such heinous crimes as student athletes using expired meal cards….
Not returning their text books on time….
And…..
“Unauthorized” Snacks…..

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t be surprised if the NCAA doesn’t give them all the electric chair…

But yet not a single word from the national sports media about the status of the NCAA “Investigation” into Southern California and Reggie Bush…
Not a word….
But they couldn’t wait to promote “another” Southeastern Conference School as “Cheaters.”

EDITORS NOTE: My friends how much more are we going to take before we secede from the NCAA?

Coach Bobby, can I get an “Amen”?

ESPN: See “South Carolina” above, you cowards.

FOXSPORTS: Please see “ESPN” above….

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED: “If” you can read it….
Please see “South Carolina” above….

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS: Read the above, Trojan lovers..

NCAA: So now that we are on the topic….
Where the hell are we with the “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

Make no mistake….
We aren’t going away…

NEWBERRY COLLEGE: Thanks to the NCAA….
The Newberry “Indians” were forced to drop their nickname in 2007 because it was deemed racist by the fine folks in Indianapolis.

Since that time….
Newberry has been unable to come up with a nickname that will satisfy the students, alumni and the NCAA.

So Newberry is a school without a mascot.

That’s why I am here….
Hence forth they will be known as….
The Newberry College “We don’t have a nickname because Myles Brand is a Jackass.”

EDITORS NOTE: I know….
It doesn’t sound very catchy…
But it has less profanity than my first choice….

FLORIDA: Good News and Some Bad news…..
The Good News….
Coach Urban Meyer isn’t going anywhere….
The Bad News…
Notre Dame is stuck with Coach Weis….
Sorry Charlie….

WASHINGTON: The Huskies are quietly loading up….
Remember you heard it here first….

COLLEGE FOOTBALL HALL OF FAME: On Saturday the College Football Hall of Fame will induct a number of notable names from college football.
Certainly all are worthy….
But I am very pleased that the committee finally got off their collective butts and elected Lou Holtz and the Great Billy Cannon of LSU into the Hall of Fame.

Congratulations….

It’s about damn time….

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously……
You folks aren’t on probation yet?

Do I need to show you a copy of the “lease” between the sports agent and Reggie’s Momma?

I will be glad too….
I am here to help….

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Mike now that your website is increasing in popularity, do you feel like all the publicity has changed you?
Melanie – Charleston, South Carolina

A: Well, in an effort to keep up with current culture I am considering changing one of my kid’s names to an inanimate object, like “toaster”.
And although I don’t make enough money to do something ”eccentric” like trying to buy the elephant man’s bones, I can report my Labrador retriever dug up a dead squirrel in the back yard.

Q: Mike I heard NCAA President Myles Brand is gravely ill, is that true?
Ben – Middleton, Kentucky

A: That was incorrectly reported Ben…
Actually he isn’t ill….

This past week a wooden steak narrowly missed Myles Brand’s heart and the entire staff of the NCAA went back to their coffins until the next full moon reaches its zenith, which of course means another NCAA investigation into a southern school.
Better luck next time Buffy….

Q: Dude, do you think this is the year USC will go undefeated in the PAC 10 and win the National Championship?
Jelly – Santa Clarita, California

A: USC isn’t in the PAC 10 dumbass…..
That is the University of South Carolina …
and in case you were wondering…
USC was an established university when Mexicans ran California….
Nice to know some things haven’t changed…

And by the way….
What kind of damn name is “Jelly”?

Q: OMG! You know Matthew McConaughey? Like for real?
You said he was your friend! Like OMG!
Can you please, please get me his autograph?
I LOVE him!
Please!
Tammy – New Orleans, Louisiana

A: Matthew warned me this would happen….

Q: Why are you making us wait?
Tell us who won the “new” Tennessee Dog Mascot Contest!
Come on and Tell Us!
Brad – Germantown, Tennessee

A: Sorry Brad, entries are still arriving weekly….
But the “Winner” of the “new” Tennessee Dog mascot Contest will be announced in the College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza…coming soon…

Q: Mike you strike me as a philosophical man….
So I have to ask you…
Is the Hokey Pokey what it is really all about?
Thanks….
Ryan – Washington, D.C.

A: Well Ryan, it all depends on what your definition of “Hokey Pokey” is…
However, I will tell you….
Be careful using that term if you are traveling in or around the San Francisco area…
It takes on a whole different meaning there…
And as an added safety tip….
If you drop your wallet in that city, I would suggest you kick it to Reno Nevada before you pick it up…

Q: Mike I really enjoy your articles on college mascots.
But it occurred to me that my Indiana University doesn’t have a “Hoosier” mascot.
What gives? Shouldn’t they have a mascot to represent the Hoosiers?
Thanks!
Roy – Fort Wayne, Indiana

A: Actually Roy….
Indiana “had” a Hoosier mascot until a few years ago….
Despite looking like the progeny of “Brutus” the Buckeye and “Lil Red” of Nebraska,
Like many mascots “Hansel” the Hoosier came into this world all cute and cuddly.

But unfortunately “Hansel” the Hoosier was arrested for breaking into Dugan’s Garage and huffing gasoline.
He is currently in Rehab and the University hopes he will be released in 2010.

Enclosed is Hansel’s picture captured by a surveillance camera in Dugan’s Garage.

It’s sad really….

Q: Sir I am confused….
Is the University of New Mexico known as the “Lobo’s” or the “Hobo’s”?
Thanks!
Ronnie – Carlsbad, New Mexico

A: Glad you asked Ronnie…..
The proper name and pronunciation of the mascot of the University of New Mexico is “Ho-Bo’s”, hope that has cleared up any misunderstand.

Q: Dear Sir,
I just wanted to say that there is a certain coach in a certain state that borders Georgia and North Carolina that really got a bum deal last year after getting beat by Wake, Alabama, and Maryland and others.
I mean, c’mon, this team got whipped by that devil Saban. Everybody knows he’s a lyin’ dog. He shouldn’t even be at Alabama after he said he wasn’t going there!! If he wouldn’t have been there, well, the school in question probably wouldn’t have got beat. And then Wake Forest!! Heck, they’re a ACC powerhouse. C’mon, that’s powerhouse with a capital ‘P’. And Maryland. Heck Ralph “the Fridge” Fridgeon is an offensive genius. He made the unnamed school’s defensive coach’s pull their hair out!
Maryland is just good like that.
Well, I just wanted to get that off my chest. This coach feels really, really bad about all that. He’s livin’ down on the beach in Florida now, mopin’ around, and wishing that all those alumni that gave him all that money to leave the unnamed school would have just kept their mouths shut. By the way, he’s looking for a school in the PAC 10 to coach at so he doesn’t have to win those dang National Championships. Those guys just want to make sure the participation rules are followed so that all their boys playing football still have high self esteem.
Sincerely,
Bommy Towden

A: Stop writing me Tommy…
Or I will get a restraining order…

Only 48 days until Kickoff….
Your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza will be out soon…
Enjoy your weekend….

And as a side note…
Be careful Hank and get home safe and sound…

RTR
MEB

You may not have read the latest college football news last week…..
The issue I am going to discuss….
Was skipped over by most of the major sports news networks….

The NCAA and NAACP are working together…
To punish the states of South Carolina and Mississippi…..

You are probably asking yourself….
“They must have done some thing really illegal….right?”
Wrong….

The NCAA is “forcing” a spineless Atlantic Coast Conference Commissioner to prevent the ACC from having any tournaments in the State of South Carolina, to include baseball for the next four years.

Why?
Because a confederate battle flag flies over a confederate war monument on the grounds of the South Carolina state capitol.

And as we have detailed in past articles…
The NCAA does not recognize popular elections….

The fine people of the great state of Mississippi voted in a popular election to keep their state flag design……
And that doesn’t set will with the people in Indianapolis and the NAACP….

So the State of Mississippi is not allowed to hold any athletic tournaments either…
And the Commissioner of the Southeastern Conference bowed at the altar of political correctness and didn’t fight it…

If these Universities don’t have fair representation in their conferences, then why do they have to pay the same “dues” as the other colleges in the conference?

Is there any logic in holding a University accountable for the decisions made in the State House or in a popular election?

The answer is punishment…

EDITORS NOTE: If you have an aversion to the truth, stop reading now…..

Let me break this down for you…….
The folks at “Alphabet Soup”….The NCAA and NAACP….

Will tell you that the confederate battle flag is offensive to black people…..
They will tell you that the confederate battle flag is the same as the Nazi flag…..
That the confederate battle flag and the southern confederacy was all about slavery…

I am not here to teach anyone about history…

But let’s follow the logic here…..

Follow along with me….

Do any of the folks from Alphabet Soup or anyone that sides with their perspective in this argument drive a Mercedes or a BMW?

They should be ashamed of themselves….

They must get rid of those vehicles immediately…
Same goes if they own a Volkswagen.
Ditto on the Porsche….

What?

Adolph Hitler rode around in a Mercedes….
I can still see the black and white pictures of him….
Standing in the back seat; rendering the Nazi salute….
The Mercedes emblem shinning in the sun…

Adolph loved his BMW’s and owned several…..
He also proposed the Volkswagen, “The Peoples Car”
You want to talk about the history of Porsche?

If you side with Alphabet Soup and drive one of the vehicles mentioned above…

Then you are glorifying Hitler….
You endorse the Nazi agenda….

And worse….

You are a hypocrite.

You can’t have it both ways folks….

I know what some of you are saying about this particular issue…..
It’s about the reminder of slavery stupid…

If that is the case….
Then that makes their argument even stranger….

If the NAACP is really sincere about their concern for slavery then why are they “in bed” with the biggest slave merchants of the 21st century?

The NCAA is a multi-billion dollar a year business….
The Harvard School of Business ranks the NCAA the Number One monopoly in the United States, ahead of Microsoft and OPEC.

The President of the NCAA makes over six million dollars a year….
Has not one, but two Lear Jets at his personal disposal….
The organization has zero government oversight or regulation…

Yet what do the “workers” make that generate this type of capitol?
Let us not forget that the majority of the “workers” in this discussion are people of “color”….

Nothing…..
Zero….
Zilch…

If that isn’t “slavery” then what is?

I know….
I know….

You say…
But they are getting a “free” education….

But it isn’t free….
The time the modern athlete spends on the practice field or on the basketball court…
Is far greater than it was in my day….
A lot greater…

The amount of money the student athlete is “allowed” to make during a year with a part-time job is capped by the NCAA…
Their non-student athlete counter-parts have no such cap on their income…

The NCAA can even use the athlete’s likeness for video games and get paid millions…and millions for it and nothing of monetary value in return for the student athlete.

Now I am not advocating that we pay college athletes…
I still believe in the purity of college athletics….

I am saying the NCAA & the NAACP has their priorities wrong….

Jesse Jackson “Marched on Montgomery” a few years ago when the University of Alabama didn’t hire a person of color to coach its football team.

I guess the right reverend was to busy a year or so later when the University of Michigan only interviewed and subsequently hired Rich Rodriguez to coach the Wolverines.
I can say this because the Rev’ was nowhere to be found.

Driving a Mercedes is O.K…..
But having a battle flag flying from war monument isn’t…

We are “over” the Holocaust….
But 19th Century Slavery is “fresh” on our minds?

Slavery was bad then….
But it’s O.K. now; as long as we get our cut?
Is that about the size of it?

We will recognize popular elections in the United States…
As long as “they” agree with the outcome…

Southern California Trojan Football Players can have a racist’s website…
That’s O.K….
But you can’t have a fraternity party at Auburn and wear a dreadlock wig….
Right?
Because Auburn is in Alabama and we all know that Southerners are racists…

They both preach tolerance….
Yet are the most intolerant organizations in this country…

I for one am sick of it….
I know that I will lose readership over this article and you know what?

I don’t give a damn….

It’s time somebody speaks the truth….

RTR
MEB

They remember everything…
Forever…

Florida Gator fans will tell you they were the 1984 Southeastern Conference Champions, and it doesn’t make any difference to them what the NCAA has to say about it…

Michigan fans won’t let the Buckeyes forget the John Cooper era…

Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket fans won’t let Georgia forget last year…

And none of us…
Have forgotten about the NCAA “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans.

But the “I’ve Still Got the Red Ass from 2008 Award” goes too…

The Mighty Texas Longhorn Fans….

They will never forget the 2008 Red River Shootout against Oklahoma and the subsequent snub by the BCS committee for a shot at the National Title….

I know because I have heard about it at least ten times a week since December of 2008.

Longhorn fans are still angry, and rightly so….
They are mad with the BCS Committee or the “BS” Committee as it is known in most Texas Longhorn social circles…

And the Oklahoma Sooners…

So in Honor of this Rivalry and heart felt Grudge….
I present the following…

Evidence that none of us ever really “get over it….”

Click here to view the embedded video.

We may hear from Hootie Snitch later this week…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

From the “We are Drunk with Power” File…

The dictatorship of the NCAA will not allow an “exception” to one of their many rules to help a little girl fighting cancer.

You read that correctly…

The unprecedented Lauren’s First and Goal Football Camp, which took place this past Sunday at Lafayette College in Easton, Pa. The unprecedented Lauren’s First and Goal Football Camp, which took place this past Sunday at Lafayette College in Easton, Pa., breaks the mold. According to the NCAA, the one-day event is the largest in the country and draws more than 1,700 prospects and close to 300 college coaches from 100-plus schools. From Boston College and Rutgers to Asa Junior College and Moravian, hundreds of coaches voluntarily drive to Easton and give up a day for a little girl named Lauren Loose.

Lauren Loose is the daughter of Lafayette defensive coordinator John Loose and his wife Marianne.

She was diagnosed with Neurofibromatosis, Moyamoya disease and Evan’s Syndrome at nine months old. Lauren has battled brain and spinal cord tumors all her little life.

Her parents felt helpless as people often do in these circumstances….
Marianne said, “We just felt like we needed to do something,” Marianne said. “When someone tells you your child has cancer, you feel like you lose all control. This is our chance to do something cathartic and take back some of the control.” Shortly after attending a motorcycle ride sponsored by the Pediatric Brian Tumor Foundation of the United States, the answer dawned on them.

“I was working a camp at the University of Michigan,” John said. “There were so many coaches and kids there, and I thought maybe I could do a camp like that for one day and raise a bunch of money for charity. I ran it by some guys at the [American Football Coaches Association] and every one of them said immediately that they were in.”

Since its humble beginning, the camp has grown exponentially, raising more than $750,000 for the Lauren’s First and Goal Foundation, a 501c3 charitable organization created in 2004 to support pediatric brain tumor research and provide pediatric cancer services and financial assistance to families living with a pediatric cancer diagnosis.

The camp’s success isn’t lost on the unquestioned star of the show. “It’s very cool that all of these people come and donate the money,” Lauren said. “I really can’t believe it, it is so generous of them and makes me feel special.”

Despite Lauren’s gratitude….”I have to thank my parents for all of the time they put in,” she said. “They work like dogs all day.”….
As well as the success of the camp this year will bring changes

Recent NCAA restrictions limit the amount of time D-I coaches can spend working at summer camps. The new rule, designed to give coaches a reprieve from the abundance of camps nationwide, restricts D-I coaches to only work at camps during two university-designated 15-day periods, one in June and one in July.

The rule benefits coaches who felt compelled to attend every camp for fear of missing out on an elite prospect. In the arms race that is college football recruiting, no coach wants to hurt his chances of landing a star simply for declining a camp invite, but the camp circuit can have a significant impact on a coach’s already full schedule.

But there’s a down side to the new rule, too: It would prevent coaches who hosted their own camps during the permissible timeframe from attending Lauren’s First and Goal, which takes place the first Sunday in June.

Mercifully, the NCAA has granted Lauren’s First and Goal a one-year exemption from the new rule. Many are concerned, however, that absent another adjustment the restrictions will negatively impact the camp moving forward.

“This epitomizes college coaches coming together for something good,” said Pitt assistant coach Brian Angelichio. “Every person here volunteers with no personal agendas whatsoever.”

Another coach from a BCS school, who wished to remain anonymous, echoed that sentiment. “The NCAA would be absolutely crazy not to ‘grandfather’ this camp,” he said. “We have been coming here well before the rule was put into place.”

The NCAA…..
However, remains wary of exemptions and exceptions because of the precedent they create. If it provides an exemption for this charity camp, it’s possible questionably motivated 501c3-designated camps will crop up across the country in an effort to exploit the charity loophole.

EDITORS NOTE: So, rather than help anyone we are going to “exploit” a charity to better our teams.
Who do they think we are Southern California?

Lauren, for her part, remains oblivious to the NCAA situation. After recent surgery to remove a tumor from her spinal cord, Lauren suffered a stroke that required additional surgery to transplant blood vessels from her scalp to her brain. She’s got too much on her plate to worry about the bureaucratic dealings unfolding around her. She’s only worried about one thing.

“Spread the word about the camp so more people come here and donate money,” Lauren said. “Every time they come here, it helps

EDITORS COMMENTARY: My immediate question when this news broke…
How does this event really give one program an “unfair” advantage over another?

It doesn’t that’s the point…

Is the NCAA afraid that “mighty” Lafayette College will challenge the University of Southern California for supremacy?

Or is the NCAA a dictatorship ran by self-serving heartless bastards?

I vote for the latter.

How much more are we going to take?

It is time for the universities and colleges that are forced to be in the NCAA to take their leave and secede from this tyrannical rule.

Now……

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TRADITIONS

MASCOTS…..

Let’s take a moment to lower our blood pressure from the earlier article and discuss college football mascots…

You are probably wondering what constitutes a mascot.

There are only three rules to this….

First…
It has to be Live…
You can have a student in a foam rubber copy of the mascot running around the stadium, but you have to have a live mascot representing your team. Period.

Case in point…..
The Air Force Academy has a Falcon…
Colorado has a Buffalo…
But there is no mascot in college football that is scarier or intimidates opponents quite like Mike the Tiger at LSU.

They place Mike’s cage outside the visitor’s locker room and you have to run by him to get to the field.
Let me tell you this, running by that big cat will make you want to wet your pants.
And..”No” I don’t want to talk about it.

NOTED EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE:

MICHIGAN STATE: I know it would be difficult in finding a “Spartan” today, unless you built a time machine, but at least give your mascot a better nickname than “Sparty”.

It sounds like a gay fireman.

SAN DIEGOS STATE: Please see Michigan State above and substitute “Spartan” with “Aztec” and substitute “gay fireman” with “Elton John’s dream date”.

EDITORS NOTE: For those interested in a “Time Machine”…
Please contact Notre Dame; I understand they are working diligently to find a way to bring back Knute Rockne.

Second….

The mascot should represent the culture of your university, team, and state.

Case in Point….
Oklahoma has the Boomer Sooner…
Auburn has the War Eagle….
Florida has a live Alligator…
But No mascot in college football represents the culture and climate of a state and team like BEVO for the University of Texas Longhorns.

I don’t care who you are….
BEVO is just cool

NOTED EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE:

CENTRAL MICHIGAN: I am not sure why you wanted to name your team after an infected mole, maybe there is a medical school close by.
But please don’t have a kid run around in a foam rubber “Chippewa’s” costume…
It would be disgusting…

THE NCAA: The mascot for this “volunteer” “non-profit” organization is simply incorrect.
It should reflect its culture, team and state of mind.

My suggestion?

The mascot should have a rat like face, with the eyes and ears of a bat and they should be called “The arrogant power hungry bastards”
I even have the perfect mascot for them…

Third….
It’s none of the NCAA’s damn business what a university names its mascot.

The mascot and nickname of a particular university is the business of the university, state and alumni, not some overzealous pin head’s business in Indianapolis.

Case in point….

WILLIAM and MARY: As we have noted in the past the Nazis at the NCAA forced the administration of William and Mary to change their nickname and mascot because “they” felt the term “Tribe” was raciest and demeaning.

So this week the administration, alumni and students are “voting” on a replacement and it looks like the early favorite is the “Fighting Asparagus.”

One can only hope the university administration isn’t forced to change that mascot as well because that particular vegetable caused a rash on some idiot staffer at the headquarters in Indianapolis.

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t care if you name your team “The Short White Fighting Honky’s with Bad Credit” and have two crossed double-wide trailers on your helmet.

I don’t care.

So I would suggest the rest of you idiots that wake up every morning looking for a reason to be “offended” or have your “little feelings” hurt, just get the hell over it.

LASTLY…..
You may have noticed that I excluded mascots from northern schools in our discussion.

There is a reason for that…
Despite living ten miles from the Arctic Circle Youngstown State doesn’t have a live penguin for a mascot?

Wisconsin doesn’t have a live badger….

Penn State doesn’t have a live Lion….
That is unless you count Jo Pa…

But there is an exception to the rule and it does need to be mentioned here.

Even though the University of Michigan doesn’t have a “live” Wolverine, they do in “fact” have a very scary mascot that frightens little children as well as adults.

Beware…
Looking at Coach Rod’s wife…
Will cause your watch to lose time, your eyes to cross and your pets to stand on their hind legs and howl.

Only 69 days until kickoff…

Have a great weekend…

RTR
MEB

Don’t you find it interesting that an organization like the NCAA that is “all about” the rules and the selective application there of, is openly defiant in complying with the state law and authorities of Florida?

In the event you have not been following the Florida State University struggle with the NCAA over their appeals process concerning “self-reported” violations to the NCAA, let me break this one down for you.

Several media outlets to include the Associated Press filed suit against Florida State University and the NCAA on Monday of this week to release the findings of the investigation into the Seminoles conducted by the NCAA.
This lawsuit comes on the heels of Florida Attorney General Bill McCollum’s letter to NCAA President Myles Brand stating that the NCAA “must comply with Florida (Public Records) Law or face criminal prosecution.”

You want to know what the NCAA’s response was to the above requess.

Quote: “The NCAA is allowing Florida State to release a version of its letter to the school.”

However, according to the university general counsel Betty Steffens the school must first retype the report from a computer format and redact names before the report can be sent to the State Attorney General or released to the media.

The “letter” in question details the NCAA’s response to Florida State’s appeal of sanctions resulting from academic fraud commited by some Seminole athletes.

Florida State hadn’t received the read-only version by Monday afternoon and hoped it could retype it and have university attorneys review the document before it is released.

Florida’s Attorney General is not amused by the NCAA maneuvering.

“It’s a step in the right direction, but it is not sufficient and does not comply with Florida State Law”, said a spokesperson for the Attorney General’s Office.
“You have to provide an actual copy of the document or the document itself, period. They (the NCAA) need to figure out a way to reproduce the document or provide the original to the Office of the Attorney General.”

Ahhhhhhh…..
But the NCAA in their arrogance and might don’t feel obligated to comply with state laws.
As NCAA attorney Naima Stevenson repeated the NCAA claim this past Tuesday…
“We (the NCAA) do not consider the document a public record and therefore do not feel obligated to comply.”

EDITORS NOTE: “They” don’t feel obligated to comply, with State Law?

Try that next time you get a simple ticket…
“Your Honor I don’t feel obligated to comply….”

It is time….
The Universities and Colleges that are “required” to be in this “volunteer non-profit” organization took the same stance to their tyrannical rule.

You know what my answer to these arrogant dictators is my friends?

Secede from the NCAA and form a governing body that promotes fair and equal treatment under the rules and exercises common sense in the application of those rules.

But as a side note….
I hope Attorney General Bill McCollum gives Myles Brand the electric chair.

Quote of the Week

Recent quote by Mike Garrett, USC Athletic Director regarding the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California Trojans.

“No one wants to find out what happened…”

EDITORS NOTE: Really?

MASCOTS, FIGHT SONGS & TRADITIONS

We all love the passion, tradition and pagentry that is college football.
The next few weeks before your “College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza” is released, we will examine the good, bad, and some slightly disturbing traditions of college football.

Enjoy….

College Mascots and Nicknames

As we have discussed there are a number of strange and unusual mascots in collegiate sports, none stranger (or more disturbing) than “Speedy” the Evergreen State Geoduck.

But by the number of emails I receive on this subject, it is abundantly clear there are other mascots that are equally as confusing to my loyal readers.
Your favorite College Football Prognosticator will examine some of the more confusing college mascots in this segment and simplify the meaning of those mascots for you.
No need to thank me…

PRESBYTERIAN COLLEGE: BLUE HOSE
Founded in 1880 by religious principles within the Presbyterian Church, this mascot refers to the scantly clad women of the night that frequented the college in the frigid winter months during the construction of the college.

EDITORS NOTE: Before you ask….
“No” I will not have a picture of their mascot on my website…
This is a family column..

LEHIGH UNIVERSITY: BROWN and WHITE
This particular “mascot” is an illustrated example of yankee colleges without any imagination.
Either that….
Or it is in reference to the President of the universities underwear after a night of ill prepared Mexican food.
(Sorry for the visual)

CAMPBELL UNIVERSITY: CAMELS
The best I can determine after a number of hours of research….
This mascot is in reference to the University Homecoming Queen of 1915.

EDITORS NOTE: To make matters worse…
The name of the mascot is “Gaylord” the Camel…
You read that right the first time.

COASTAL CAROLINA UNIVERSITY: CHANTICLEERS
Honestly,  I don’t know why a university would choose to name their team after something that sounds like a form of herpes.

WILLIAMS COLLEGE: EPHS
I am not entirely sure, but I think “Ephs” is a form of epilepsy.
Which, if you have ever seen them play football….
Explains a lot…

KENT STATE: GOLDEN FLASHES
The Kent State mascot and nickname is an embarrassing reference to the Senior Citizens Home located adjacent to the football stadium where disoriented senior citizens would wander over during football games and disrobe.

EARLHAM COLLEGE: HUSTLIN’ QUAKERS
Despite evidence to the contrary I am convinced this mascot is a reference to the preponderance of televangelist that grew up in the surrounding area.
In case you were wondering how I derived at this conclusion….
It’s because their mascot look like Jimmy Swaggart after a weekend bender.

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Sir -
I read where they wanna make our gator coach the highest paid ever & that some folks wonder where the moneys coming from.  Well, I’ve been talking to my gator buddies & we’re gonna take up collections.
I was gonna get me one of those breast implants for my boyfriend Roscoe, but I’m gonna put that off for a while for the cause.
Go Gators!
Tracy in Homosassa, Florida

A: Now that’s what I call a true fan….

Q: Sir,
My 10 year old daughter was surfing the internet yesterday and I was shocked when she ran away from the computer, hid in a corner, and was crying uncontrollably.
When I asked her what she was so upset about, she couldn’t answer.
Her only reaction was shaking and sobbing as she hid her face in the corner and pointed her little finger in the direction of the computer.
I immediately ran to our laptop and discovered why she reacted as she did.
Please Mr College Football Wizard! Please! Remove the photo of Myles Brand from the front page of your website!
Sir, this is the scariest, most disgusting photo imaginable and has instilled sheer terror into my daughter!
The weasel like eyes with the blank stare, bat like ears and pasty complexion make him look like Satan himself!
As a concerned parent, surely you can see my point.
Sincerely,
Blanch – Flower Mound, Texas

A: Blanch there is a reason Myles Brand “looks” like Satan….
It’s because he is….

Q: Listen Jackass….
Your sister-in-law doesn’t have “one foot that looks like a hoof…”
Or antlers…
You better start saying “nice” things about her or you will get a sock full of Mule poop for your birthday.
Anonymous – Pikeville, Kentucky

A: Isn’t that what you got me last year?

Q: Mike, I know it’s early, but…..
Do you think Florida State has a shot at the Atlantic Coast Conference Championship this year?
Thanks!
Waldo – Waldo, Florida

A: Waldo in Waldo, are you kidding me?
Hey Waldo, did you know everybody has been looking for you?

Q: Mike, have you had anymore entries for the “new” Tennessee mascot contest?
Those pictures cracked me up!
Troy – Columbus, Ohio

A: Troy we will post more entries in the coming weeks and select a winner just in time for the Vol’s Kickoff.
So stay tuned….

Q: Man I read your commentary on the NCAA and it sounded all legal and everything.
You sound like a lawyer, where did you get your law degree?
Greg – Mendenhall, Mississippi

A: I picked up my Law Degree at Wal-Mart…
I found it in the section between automotive and sporting goods, near the fuzzy slippers.

Q: Dude you need to lighten up on Southern Cal!
They are like a freaking dynasty man!
And..
Coach Pete is looking at another championship to add to the trophy case!
So get on board man!
Go Trojans!
Kat – Los Angeles, California

A: I am a bit confused Kat….
“Dynasty”?….
Add another what to the trophy case?
You mean “One-Pete” Pete?
Maybe this will explain things….

EDITORS NOTE: Would you like me to make the graph bigger….
So you can see LSU (again) and the Florida Gators (Twice) in it?

But look at the bright side….
You can’t spell “Suck” without U.S.C.

More next week on college mascots, fight songs and rivalries….
and grudges…
So stay tuned…

Only 76 More days until Kickoff…

RTR
MEB

Dear Mr. College Football Wizard

I was deeply troubled by the recent article on your website which appeared on June 12th, 2009.  I would like to officially request that you cease and desist all activity which might further slander myself, the NCAA, and various personnel mentioned.

Also, your use of my likeness is in violation of various copyright laws governing reprinting of photographs, video clips, and other media.

I do however, have more flattering photographs available for future use for $34.95 payable by cash, check or money order.

As to our cease and desist order, more specifically the investigation into one Mr. Reginald Bush, formerly of the finest educational institution in the country, the University of Southern California, your remarks characterizing our conduct were scurrilous, outrageous, and inflammatory.

The highly esteemed University in question has never admitted to any wrong doing, so therefore, there is no reason for the NCAA to assume any such wrong doing, in light of the nature of our investigative body.

Further, you seem to consistently compare the University of Alabama investigations and the University of Southern California investigations and I would like to point out the key inconsistency in said comparison.  Alabama reported their violations and Southern California reported no violations.

Therefore, one would naturally conclude that Alabama is guilty and was penalized, while Southern California admitted no guilt, and thusly, is simply not guilty.
This should be obvious to the most casual observer but your inability to draw this same conclusion is deeply troubling.

As to your reference to model citizens at the University of Tennessee, in particular Mr. Phillip Fulmer, I am appalled at your characterizations of this fine coach. Please realize that Mr. Fulmer has a grandular condition and in no way should be held up for public ridicule.

After an exhaustive 30 minute investigation into your ranting and unsubstantiated allegations, we have found that you, good sir, are not within compliance of the NCAA conduct policy and have determined that your penalties will be as follows:

1. Loss of 6 megs of bandwidth for three years
2. Public scrutiny and humiliation
3. Hootie Snitch will be declared ineligible from contributions to your site for 1 year.

Respectfully,
Myles Brand
President
Nazi’s Crushing American Athletics
National Collegiate Athletic Association

We have a lot of ground to cover today…

So let’s not waste anytime on formalities here.

Enjoy your Update

BREAKING NEWS……
It has been reported that former Tennessee Coach Phil Fulmer….
is the “Secret” witness in the investigation surrounding the death of David “Grasshopper” Carradine.

Evidence has been brought to the attention of your Favorite College Football Prognosticator to suggest Phil Fulmer knows more about the death of the Kung Fu Grasshopper than he might care to admit.

The Evidence: Exhibit “A”
Phil Fulmer was “missing” during the demise of the Grasshopper…

EDITORS NOTE: Please do not think this shred of information isn’t a big deal…
Phil Fulmer is the fifth largest mammal walking upright, so he is a little hard to “miss”…

And…
In case you were wondering…
The other Land Mammals larger than Phil are in the following order:
1. Polar Bear
2. Wynonna Judd – Kodiak Brown Bear (tie)
3. University of Kansas Coach Mark Mangino
4. Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weis

The Evidence: Exhibit “B”
In the sexual harassment suit settled by the University of Tennessee in 1997 against Phil Fulmer by the team trainer, it is clear that Coach Phil has a “thing” for male genitalia and appears to engage in “unusual” practices regarding discipline.

This key piece of evidence alone may explain why the Kung Fu Grasshopper was found bound with his personal business exposed during his untimely death.

The Evidence: Exhibit “C”
Phil Fulmer is a Krispy Kreme addict in need of an Intervention…

EDITORS NOTE: Unless you have been living under a rock for the past 15 years…
No further evidence needs to be cited here.