Just in time for Christmas, the second installment of your 2011 College Football Bowl games.

I wanted to get this edition out before your Aunt Edna shows up with her Yorkshire terrier “Popeye” who conveniently has “diarrhea” which was probably caused from sampling Aunt Edna’s Ten Bean casserole “surprise” which she decided to bring to your house for Christmas.

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and don’t forget the Tums.

Enjoy your Bowl Games…..

Saturday December 24th

The Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
Nevada and Southern Miss
I know what’s on your mind concerning this game in Hawaii….
The answer is “Yes”; Dog the Bounty Hunter will return to A&E in January 2012
No need to thank me…
GOLDEN EAGLES 38-24

The Silicon Valley Bowl Sponsored by Dolly Parton and Pamela Anderson
This Bowl game is for teams that at a distance look really good, until you see them up close…
Then you can tell they are actually made out of Silicon something or another…
Texas Tech Red Raiders and Miami Hurricanes

The Purina Monkey Chow Bowl
Much like this Bowl Game sponsor….
These two teams didn’t smell particularly good this season, but they sure are fun to say…..
Oregon State Beavers and Indiana Hoosiers

CHRISTMAS SAFETY TIP
For those of you (like myself) that are still trying to get last minute gifts on Christmas Eve, here is a safety tip for you. Do NOT go into a Pakistani Clothing Store and ask them if…
“They have any Bomber Jackets”

CHRISTMAS EMAIL QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Q: Hey!

My name is Timmy and I am eight years old and I live in Opelika Alabama.
My daddy broke his leg this past fall when he jumped off the Auburn bandwagon (cause they ain’t been any good this year) and he hasn’t been able to work because Obama Care doesn’t care. Then my momma caught most of our trailer house on fire when the tuna helper surprise she was a cooking blowed up and the worst of it, my 18 year old sister run off with an Alabama Crimson Tide boy.
Is my momma and daddy ever mad about that!

So I am asking you Wizard Man for a Christmas Miracle.

Can you do that?

Timmy – Opelika, Alabama

A: You came to the right place Timmy….

To me, nothing says Christmas miracle quite like watching a spider monkey riding a dog.

God Bless us Every One…

Click here to view the embedded video.

Monday December 26th

AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl
Missouri and North Carolina
I liked this Bowl game a lot better when it was called the Weed Eater Bowl…
I have no idea what the hell an “AdvoCare V100” is…
It sounds like a cream that will make hair grow on your head like a damn gorilla….
MO’S TIGERS 28-21

Tuesday December 27th

Little Caesars Bowl
Western Michigan and Purdue
I have no problem per se with a Pizza Company sponsoring a Bowl game…
Except this one sounds like a midget Caesar and you all know how I feel about midgets.
They creep me out, especially midget clowns.
Ok, I need to stop I am scaring myself.
BOILERMAKERS 24-17

Belk Bowl
Louisville and North Carolina State
This clothing store geared towards women has an unusual trophy awarded to the winner…
I’m not quite sure what a pair of zebra striped high heels will look like as a trophy..
But I guess we are going to find out…
STRONGER CARDINALS 31-28

The Vienna Sausage Bowl Sponsored by the Dahlonega Georgia Chamber of Commerce
This Bowl game matches two teams…..
That much like Vienna sausages; you are never really quite sure what they are made of and if left out in the sun too long they will start to smell like grandma’s old slippers.
Kentucky Wildcats and Army Black Knights

Wednesday December 28th

Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman
Toledo and Air Force
I cannot in good conscience pick against the Air Force Academy in the “Military Bowl”
It’s how I roll….
MIGHTY FALCONS 34-28

Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl
California and Texas
Bridgeport as in Bridgeport Tires?
What’s so damn educational about a bunch of tires?
You either put them on a car or truck or make a tire swing out of it, that’s about it.
Unless you live in California and then I guess you paint a face on them and worship it.
Idiots….
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 33-17

Wolf Brand Chili Bowl sponsored by the Texarkana Chili Cook-off Association
Much like the earlier Vienna Sausage Bowl, you don’t know what goes into making this delicacy, other than grease, more grease and a pinch of more grease.
But it does look like it’s already been eaten once…
I forgot where I was going with this one…
Tulane Green Wave and Vermont Poop Weasels

Thursday December 29th

Champs Sports Bowl
Florida State and Notre Dame
On paper this Bowl Game looks like it will be a good match-up……
Fortunately they don’t play the game of college football on damn paper.
SEMINOLES 43-17

Valero Alamo Bowl
Washington and Baylor
Having a sponsor with any Spanish name before “The Alamo” is abhorrent to me.
Enough said….
DA BEARS 38-17

Friday December 30th

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Brigham Young and Tulsa – Dallas
The best thing that can be said about this Bowl game is that it’s being played at the home of the Mighty Mustangs of Southern Methodist University in beautiful Dallas Texas.
What I wouldn’t give to be on the West End of Dallas on a Saturday night….
Sorry I had a flashback there for a minute….
GOLDEN HURRICANES 28-24

The Cubic Zirconium Bowl located off the Las Vegas Strip in nearby Gypsum Nevada
This particular Bowl game is reserved for teams that shined and sparkled at the beginning of the season but when it came right down to it, they couldn’t cut glass this year.
South Florida Bulls and Tennessee Volunteers

New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Rutgers and Iowa State
I hate to be the bearer of bad news to the folks in Yankee Land….
But there isn’t anything “new era” about pinstripes, they have been around for a while.
MIGHTY CYCLONES 28-14

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
Mississippi State and Wake Forest
There is a lot at stake in the “Mortgage Bowl” in Nashville….
The losers of this game get their houses foreclosed on…
BULLY DOGS 34-14

Insight Bowl
Iowa and Oklahoma
I have some “Insight” for you on this Bowl game….
The Hawkeyes are going to get the living hell beaten out of them….
BOOMER SOONERS 49-14

Saturday December 31st

Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas
Texas A&M and Northwestern
This Bowl game has one of the most useful and decorative trophy’s that can be found anywhere.
Nothing says “I’m a Winner!” like a Pine Tree Car Deodorizer ….
GIG EM AGGIES 31-17

The I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Bowl
The teams, student bodies, fans and alumni represented in this bowl game are composed of nothing more than lard and food coloring.
The Entire Ivy League and the University of Southern California Trojans

Hyundai Sun Bowl
Georgia Tech and Utah
At first glance I thought this Bowl game was sponsored by two Yugoslavian Utes, but then I realized it was a car company, which is cool.
YELLOW JACKETS 28-24

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl
Illinois and UCLA
Neither team has a head coach which should allow the viewers at home to enjoy the very best display of pee-wee football they have seen all year.
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 6-3

AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Cincinnati and Vanderbilt
There have been a lot of classic games played in this old stadium in the Land of Elvis.
This one may not be a “classic”, but it’s going to be a good one.
Thank you, Thank you very much….
COMMODORES 24-21

Chick-fil-A Bowl
Virginia and Auburn
Conventional wisdom says that the Southeastern Conference is an underdog in this game.
I am neither conventional nor very wise and I can give references to support that claim.
WAR DAMN EAGLE 23-21

I will have another favorite Christmas story on the wire tomorrow.

Next week we will have the final installment of the College Bowls and a few surprises as well.

So Stay Tuned…

Enjoy your Bowl Games…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

We are only a week away from Thanksgiving…….

And as we all know that is a special time to be thankful for all that we have, like the hate and animosity that comes with the college football rivalries on the menu the next two weeks.

Ever since the Pilgrims played the Indians to a tie on Plymouth Rock, Thanksgiving is about the cornucopia of college football and the intense rivalries that go with it, that and seeing all the obnoxious relatives that you try and avoid the rest of the year.

We have a lot to discuss, so prepare to get your mean on….

Enjoy your Picks…..

POST WEEKEND REPLAY

Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was Luckier than Andrew but not by much with a 43 and 21 record or 67% (Ouch)

That leaves the CFB Wizard at 588 and 164 or 78% after 11 weeks of college football.

I will be doing a Willie Nelson this week in hopes that my average will take a climb.
And just for the record, by doing a “Willie Nelson”, that does not mean that I will be riding around in a tour bus smoking marijuana, writing music and eating Cheetos.

It means that I am “On The Road Again” and as a side note, I don’t like Cheetos.

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC country!!!

High School football is about as exciting as it gets down here in small town South Georgia on a Friday night. Add to it a little playoff anticipation and folks are just chomping at the bit to get to their local stadiums and cheer the hometown boys to victory and the night is electric. The sights, sounds, and smells wafting over these hallowed football fields make this a special time of the year. I made the short trip down Highway 280 to Rochelle, Georgia to watch the Region 2-A powerhouse Wilcox County Patriots take on the visiting Calhoun Cougars who made the long trip from Edison, Georgia on the other side of Albany, in the first round of the Class A playoffs. The visiting Cats were sporting a 4-7 overall record, while the homestanding Pats were undefeated going into this important game. The Pats scored early and often as they trounced the felines 39-6 in a game that got away from the visitors almost as soon as it started. Quarterback Makail Grace was 10 of 14 for 213 yards in the passing department in just under 2 quarters of play, including a 49 yard pass on the first play from scrimmage to set up Wilcox’s first touchdown. Big Willie Brown carried the mail for the Patriots with 90 bruising yards on 18 carries and elusive Milton Jackson hauled in 3 Touchdown passes and racked up 175 receiving yards on only 6 receptions. This was 2-A football at its finest. The hot Pats now take on the Aquinas Fighting Irish from the Augusta area next week in the Sweet Sixteen round of the playoffs in their quest to take home the trophy.

Congratulations are in order for the Georgia Bulldogs moved another step closer to winning the SEC East with a convincing win over the hapless Tigers from Auburn by a score of 45-7. The Red Clay hounds won in convincing fashion to post their 8th victory in a row on the season. Aaron Murray tossed 4 touchdown passes and broke former Bulldog Mathew Staffords TD record to send the defending National Champions home, declawed and demoralized. You wouldn’t have known this was the Deep South’s oldest rivalry as the hapless felines didn’t even show their claws in a humiliating 35-7 first half as the Cow College scored on 4 of its first 5 possessions and never looked back. The only scoring the Kittens could muster was on a bit of trickeration, which tied the game at 7 early. But, afterward, it was a good, old fashioned trip to the barn for the Barners as the Hounds showed no mercy en-route to a shellacking of their inter state rival, no doubt payback for last years near brawl. Next up for the Dogs are the domesticated house cats from Lexington in a game in which the Dawgs will certainly want to seal the deal to take claim the SEC East title.

On Thursday night in Hot’lanta, the homestanding Bees got buzzed by the Turkeys from Virginia by a 37-26 score. The Slide Rule Jocks couldn’t hold a second half lead and lost any chance of winning the ACC with the loss. The defense was shredded by the Hokies who had over 250 yards rushing. The offense put together some drives but couldn’t sustain momentum as the game slipped out of their grasp. The Jackets take on Duke next week in North Carolina and will try to right the ship after this forgettable night.

The high flying Eagles from Statesboro flew to Spartanburg for an important Southern Conference showdown with a feisty Terrier team from Wofford. However, after the final gun sounded, these birds had thoroughly dominated these toy pups to the tune of 31-10 and captured the SoCon Crown outright. The 9-1 Eagles’ Jaybo Shaw rushed for 3 TD’s and threw a 21 yard scoring strike as a close game and any hope for the Pooches quickly evaporated in the second half. It was evident that the Erk’s Eagles weren’t looking ahead to next weeks huge game against another team you may have heard of….. The Alabama Crimson Tide.

I’m gonna skip the rest of the games inside and outside the conference and get right to the Peach State Prognostication. Seems the Missus has had plenty of “honey-do’s” for me this week and I’m gonna have to get right down to what’s important. That being, what would happen if the “Good Old Fashioned Hate” game were played this week. After the Turkeys laid an egg on Tech and the Cow College grabbed a Tiger by the tail, I’m now a firm believer. The Canines showed me something this weekend in thoroughly humiliating the Plainsmen. The Wreck showed me that not only are they not ready for prime time, I don’t think they’re ready for a big game weekend after next. So here it is, 42-17 in favor of the Flagship University of the Great State of Georgia. The Crystal ball is clearing up, so barring a miracle; I don’t see much in the way of change by the time Turkey Day weekend rolls around. Sorry, Bees.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Sir-

My name is the Right Reverend Jeremiah Kwami Shabazz and I represent all people of color here in the great state of Georgia.
We in the minority community have endured the disparaging characterizations and remarks of the White community for over 200 years, but an indignation of untold proportions has occurred which I feel has permanently damaged the enduring spirit of my brothers and sisters.
Yes, here in Atlanta, in the year 2011, the supposedly prestigious Georgia Institute of Technology has imparted the most racist event since slavery on my people.
There is no excuse for this University conducting a “White Out” at a sporting event in downtown Atlanta. If you do not know, Grant Field is directly across from the poverty stricken, public housing project known as Techwood Homes.
Residents were visibly shaken as the so-called “fans”, if that is what they call themselves, paraded up and down North Avenue in all white attire and face paint and shouting incessantly before and after the football game.
Appalling falls far short of the adjective I would use to describe this tasteless event. What’s next, a halftime cross burning? I beseech you to use your good name and reputation to warn other schools of the error of holding events such as this.

The Right Reverend Jeremiah Kwami Shabazz
Ebeneezer Kingdom of Hope and Change Baptist Church
Atlanta, Georgia

A: Reverend I am at a loss for words…..
Other than to say the Friday after Thanksgiving is known as “Black Friday”, and I hope that you will find solace and comfort in a day…..
when we can all come together to get good deals on a variety of electronics and video games.

Q: Dear Wizard Man –

My name is Feldman Felder and I used to be a purty big time high school quarterback up here in Knoxville.
I mean I’m a real gunslangin fella with a arm that could flling a ball over tha Empire State Building. I’m also a Freshman here at good old Tenn’ssee.

Well, I guess ya’ll heard tha story bout Coach Dooley callin my buddy Derrick on Saturdee afternoon to come in and kick against Middle Tenn’see cause our other kickers got some aches and pain.

Well, let me tell you something I bet you don’t know.
He called me too. He said that if his quarterbacks got any worse he was gonna go ahead and throw me in tha game cause I couldn’t do any worse than the first two guys.
Well, let me tell you, I was proud as a peacock about getting to go up there to that stadium for the game instead of working my part time job.
So, I jumped up from the couch and tried to sober up real quick and beat feat up to the game. I’ll bet you don’t know who else Coach called, do you?
Yep, none other than that fella Houston Nutt. Says ole Houston couldn’t do no worse than his assistants and that he might as well give him another shot at losin more SEC games. So, watch out Mr Wizard, Look out for me next Saturday. I might get my big shot and I want YOU to see it!!!

Feldman Felder – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: Thank you for the email Feldman; we will all anxiously await your moment in the sun as well as the day folks in Knoxville discover “Spell Check”.

Q: Dear Wizard

I got me a hamster named “Hans Solo” (we is all BIG Star War fans in my family)
And that boy can flat pick him some football games!
We also got us a Guinea Pig named “R2D2” but he couldn’t find his furry butt with a flashlight.
Never mind about him, we was a writing to see if you wanted to use Hans Solo as kind of a “Guest Picker” on your column.
Let us know and we will send you a picture of him in his little Hans Solo uniform and forward his picks of the week on to you, what do you say Wizard?
May the Force Be With You

Dale and Deloris – Auburn, Alabama

A: The day I have to depend on an Auburn Fan’s Hamster to make my picks will be the day I retire from this column, but just in case I am keeping your phone number.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

ESPN: You have shown us so many pictures of Joe Pa’s house I feel like I have been there…
Seriously, can’t you just leave Joe and his wife alone?
Haven’t they been punished enough already?

PENN STATE: I just have to ask……

So if an older woman is chasing a younger man she is called a “Cougar” right?

Does that mean an older man chasing a younger boy makes him a Nittany Lion?

I’m just asking….

DELTA STATE: The Fighting Okra got fried themselves last week and now the Division II College Football playoffs are wide open.
The Okra better get it together or they will find themselves stewed by the competition.

COLORADO: For all you weather watchers out there…..
It’s True, Hell has indeed frozen over; the Buffalos actually won a home game.

BOISE STATE: I remember reading something from Boise last week…….
How the Southeastern Conference “wasn’t that good” and how much better the Bronco’s were than any of the teams in the Southeastern Conference, to include LSU, Alabama and Arkansas.

The article went on to say that Boise State was “The Best Team” in the country and that they were being slighted by the voters and the BCS committee.

But even with some “very” favorable calls at the end of last week’s game you still couldn’t beat the Horned Frogs on the Blue Turf, so I have to ask; How does that Crow taste this week?

TEXAS: Five points. Five points is all you could muster against MO’s Tigers.
I don’t know whether to be hurt or ashamed.

KENTUCKY: I don’t get it……
The Wildcat Basketball team is ranked Number 2 in the country and their football team is at the opposite of the scale, so what’s really going on?

AUBURN: How is all that “Highest Paid Coaches and Assistant Coaches in College Football” thing working out for you?

OLE MISS: There is one thing you can hang on to this season Rebel Bear Fans….
You have lost most of your games, but you haven’t lost a party.

Congratulations, I think

STANFORD: I am sorry…..
What were you all and the “national” sports media saying about Andrew Luck being “The Greatest Quarterback to ever play College Football”?

I was laughing too hard to hear you, would you mind repeating that again for me?

FLORIDA STATE: The Atlantic Coast Conference referees did everything in their power to keep the Hurricanes in the game in the fourth quarter and you still prevailed.

Congratulations and one other thing….

The SEC wants their referees back, we can’t have another conference with umpires more jacked up than ours, it sends the wrong message, you understand.

THE GAMES

Tuesday November 15th

Ball State at Northern Illinois
I think this one will be high scoring Barn Burner, Just a guess….
SHAGGY DOGS 41-38

Wednesday November 16th

Ohio at Bowling Green
In this Battle of Buckeyes I am going with Frank’s Cats in a close one…
As one would expect…
FRANK’S CATS 29-28

Western Michigan at Miami (OH)
I don’t know about this one, it’s a toss up….
So I will just have to rely on “Prognosticators Intuition” on this game
BRONCO’S 24-21

Thursday November 17th

Marshall at Memphis
I am not sure but I think Elvis has left the building….
WE ARE MARSHALL 28-17

Southern Miss at UAB
The Mighty Golden Eagles are on an eight game winning streak and the Blazers are on an incredible “not game winning streak”, so there you have it.
MIGHTY GOLDEN EAGLES 38-14

North Carolina at Virginia Tech
We are far to close to Thanksgiving to go against the Fighting Gobblers
HOKEY POKEY 28-17

Friday November 18th

Oklahoma State at Iowa State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You do know I’m kidding right?
COWBOY UP! 53-21

Toledo at Central Michigan
This big game in the something or another conference is going to decide “something” really important that few of us actually care anything about.
RICKEY ROCKET 31-28

Saturday November 19th

Citadel at South Carolina
O’ Yeah this one will be “really” close…..
GAMECOCKS 38-6

Minnesota at Northwestern
I have a feeling in this one; I just hope the “feeling” I have wasn’t caused from ill prepared Mexican Food on dollar margarita night.
O’ SO VERY GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-17

Wisconsin at Illinois
Heads of Cheese and Pumpkins O’ Fighting….
Ah Thanksgiving, one of my favorite times of the year…
BUCKEY BADGER 43-24

Nebraska at Michigan
The Wolverines should have seen enough horror movies by now to know what happens when you mess with the Children of the Corn, (Spoiler Alert!) It doesn’t end well.
CHILDREN of the CORN 31-17

Kansas at Texas A&M
This game is going to be uglier than Aunt Edna’s Ten Bean Casserole.
And for the record there is no known intestinal defense involved in that contest either.
GIG EM AGGIES 43-28

Kentucky at Georgia
I don’t know what it is about a football that seems to confuse the folks in Bluegrass Country….
Is it the pointed ends? Because when you round that football out, the Wildcats are hard to stop.
I don’t get it….
SIC EM DAWGS 43-10

Samford at Auburn
Mmmmmmmmmmmm Cupcakes….
WAR DAMN EAGLE 43-0

Army at Temple
I think the Black Knights of the Hudson will overlook the Hooters in preparing for the Mighty Midshipmen, it’s just a guess….
HOOT OWLS 28-24

Furman at Florida
I know Furry Man has had a decent season, but he is no Swamp Thing.
GATOR CHOMP 38-10

Charleston Southern at Presbyterian
Buccaneers and Blue Ho’s in this Carolina Collision….
It should be a good one….
BLUE HO’S 34-24

Eastern Michigan at Kent State
The Flash continues to baffle me this season….
In games they should win, they lose…
In games they should lose they win….
Here we go again
FLASHES of GOLD 24-21

South Dakota at North Dakota
There will be a whole lot of Dakota in this game, but there is only one….
FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-28

Alcorn State at Jackson State
Alcorn better be Brave if they are lining up against the mighty Tigers of Jackson…
Not that it will spare them from a butt whipping, because it’s coming..
WALTER’S TIGERS 34-17

New Mexico at Wyoming
I am going to do something I haven’t done all season….
“No” not Hula-Hoop while I make my weekly selections (That was last week)
I am picking the Cowboys….
COWBOY UP! 38-34

Georgia Southern at Alabama
The Eagles are one of the Best Teams in the Country and that’s a just a fact…
This game will be closer than you might think.
CRIMSON TIDE 28-17

Wofford at Chattanooga
My Black Lab “Doc” really likes Woof Woof Ford…..
For reasons that I am not quite sure of….
CHOO-CHOO MOCS 28-21

North Dakota State at Western Illinois
The Leathernecks let me down last week on all things, the Marine Corps Birthday…
They may have “overindulged” during the Birthday celebration; it happens.
THUNDERING BISONS 28-27

Montana at Montana State
This rivalry in Big Sky Country is chocked full of hatred and hard feelings….
It’s called “The Brawl of the Wild” and it’s played for “The Great Divide Trophy”
It’s going to be both a “Brawl” and “Wild”, I am going upset in this one…
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 28-23

Tulsa at UTEP
The Miners are playing more like Mimes and the Hurricanes are picking up steam…
O’ SO Very GOLDEN HURRICANES 43-38

Southern Methodist at Houston
The Mighty Mustangs will keep this game interesting…..
Very Interesting….
COUGARS 38-34

Colorado State at Texas Christian
After last week, there is no way I am going against the Horned Amphibians…
By the way, did you all get my “Thank You” Note?
HORNED FROGS 44-17

Mississippi State at Arkansas
The Hogs better not overlook the angry Bulldogs……
It will be closer than you might think, a whole lot closer
HAWG-ZILLA’S 31-17

Penn State at Ohio State
The Lions were looking at a Big Ten (Something or another) Title just over a week ago…
Now, not so much….
BUCKEYES 24-17

Washington at Oregon State
Two things in this game….
The Huskies are playing more like the little Taco Bell dog this season….
And I am a Beaver Man….
MIGHTY BEAVERS 31-24

Tulane at Rice
This game will highlight two remarkable academic institutions….
That know absolutely nothing about the game of football.
Enjoy……
RICE CAKES 21-17

Texas Tech at Missouri
There is a “Silver Lining” in this game for the Red Raiders….
I have on good authority that with another devastating loss, the Raiders will be invited to…
“The Potted Meat Bowl” in Texarkana Arkansas…..
I like the slogan for the Bowl game; “Potted Meat, the other sweep meat”
MO’S TIGERS 43-24

Navy at San Jose State
In an effort to provide you readers with quality picks and entertainment, I recently did a Google search on San Jose and the search asked if I meant “Loser-ville”…
Enough said….
MIDSHIPMEN 31-17

Boston College at Notre Dame
This game between two Catholic Colleges is called the “Vatican Bowl” and it’s played for the Frank Leahy Memorial Bowl and the Ireland Trophy.
You know, for a game that nobody is going to watch they are giving out more prizes than the “Wheel of Fortune”
FIGHTING IRISH 35-17

Louisiana Tech at Nevada
Bulldogs and Wolves in this game….
I wonder why they didn’t name this one the “Canine Bowl”?
Sometimes I wonder to much…
WOLVES are PACKING 38-34

Utah State at Idaho
The Aggies have proven to be tough all year….
But Famous Potatoes has the “Ida Honkies”…
So enough said…
IDA MAY 28-24

UNLV at Air Force
It wouldn’t be the first time the folks from Vegas have been bombed….
It’s how they roll….
MIGHTY FALCONS 35-17

LSU at Ole Miss
This game will make you believe there should be a “Mercy Rule” in college football..
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 139-0

Central Florida at East Carolina
The Boy’s from O Town (Not the musically challenged defunct boy band)
Are in for a rude Carolina welcoming from the Pirates
Believe it…
PIRATES 38-17

Vanderbilt at Tennessee
I haven’t said this concerning this “rivalry” that really isn’t a “rivalry” in a very long time
It’s going to be close, damn close…and it could go either way.
VOWELS 28-24

Western Kentucky at North Texas
You want to know what’s a fun word to say?
MEAN GREEN 33-24

Colorado at UCLA
Have I mentioned that the Buffalos haven’t won an “away” game since William McKinley was President? I have? Well, never mind then….
BRUINS 24-14

Oklahoma at Baylor
I believe this game is going to be a wild one…..
Or as I like to refer to this type of game, “Where did the Defenses Go?”
BOOMER SOONER 44-38

Southern California at Oregon
Gosh I really wanted to watch this game…..
But I just got a new Sponge Bob Chia Pet and it MUST be watered on schedule…
You understand…
QUACKS 7-6

Kansas State at Texas
I know my beloved Longhorns are an underdog in this one….
But I simply can’t force myself to pick against them, it’s just that simple.
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 28-24

Boise State at San Diego State
Let me guess…..
After this game we will all have to listen to how “Boise is Back in the Championship Hunt!”
O’ the Humanity….
BRONCO’S 49-34

Arizona at Arizona State
This Battle in the Land of Sand and Cactus is called “The Duel in the Desert” and it’s played for the “Territorial Cup”.
Maybe it’s just me, but when I read “The Duel in the Desert” I thought I heard the theme music from one of those Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns.
It’s just me?
Great, those damn voices are in my head again….
DEVILS of the SUN 28-24

New Mexico State at Brigham Young
If the Aggies would let Lasso Larry have a foam rubber six shooter I might feel different about this pick and I will tell you why….
Have you ever tried to “rope” a cat?
That story always ends with a trip to the emergency room….
COUGARS 31-17

Fresno State at Hawaii
Believe it or not, this game is actually a “rivalry game”….
I’m serious….
It’s played for the “Golden Screwdriver”
(I’m serious so stop laughing)
And the Screwdriver of Gold goes too….
WARRIORS SCREWDRIVING on RAINBOWS 43-38

Louisville at Connecticut
I still haven’t given up on Charlie’s Cardinals, those boys are stronger than you might think.
STRONGER CARDINALS 31-17

Utah at Washington State
Ok, so Two Utes meet some cougars in a bar…..
Stop me if you have heard this one….
TWO UTES 43-28

Miami at South Florida
Another Battle in the Sunshine State and as you might expect there is a lot at stake in this game.
The winner gets one of those funny plastic hard hats with beer cans on each side and a “best of” Katrina and the Waves CD. Rock on Hurricanes, Rock on….
HURRICANES 43-24

Maryland at Wake Forest
I was going to watch this titanic matchup in the Atlantic Coast Conference but as you know by now, my new Chia Pet must be watered according to the schedule provided in the instructions and unfortunately this game conflicts with that schedule, sorry.
DEMON DEACONS 34-31

Clemson at North Carolina State
The Palmetto Showdown looms for the Tigers, but until then…..
Enjoy the tasty Wolf Pack….
DABO’S TIGERS 38-28

Georgia Tech at Duke
It was reported this week that more students at Duke “watch” Blue Devil basketball practices than attend home football games. So enough said….
YELLOW JACKETS 89-3

Cincinnati at Rutgers
Despite what my adopted Italian family in Atlantic City says….
This one will be closer than you might think and could go either way
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 28-24

Virginia at Florida State
If the Seminoles let last weeks referees hang around campus for another week then this game could be closer than you might think.
SEMINOLES 28-24

California at Stanford
This instate rivalry in the land of the fruits and the nuts is called “The Big Game” and it’s played for the “Stanford Axe”……
Yippee…
CARDINAL 6-3

Indiana at Michigan State
Based on the above “rivalry” game and subsequent “trophy”….
I can only say that if this game was played for an “axe” I believe the Loosers would get it planted between their eyes by the Spartans.
MEN of SPARTA 43-13

Akron at Buffalo
The Folks in Buffalo have weather that is almost as crappy as their football teams, but they sure do make some tasty wings.
I do enjoy ending the weekly picks on a positive note…
ZIPPY 31-17

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

This week….
I write to you from high atop my mountain compound that is the RTR Ranch and Sanatorium.

I felt obligated to be in a “safe” place to write this week since the Illinois Fighting Pumpkins and the Kansas State Wildcats are both undefeated (6-0) for the first time since the Pilgrims played a Thanksgiving Football game. Because as we all know, that is one of the first signs of the coming Apocalypse.

But enough about the end of the world, let’s talk College Football

Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…
Despite screwing up the “High School Player of the Week” nominations…
And getting embarrassed with “Upset Specials” that only seemed to upset yours truly..

Was an astounding 48 and 11 or 81%
(Please hold your astonishment until the very end of the article..)

That leaves the CFB Wizard after 6 weeks in the college football season at 348 and 77 or 82%

Now you may release your individual astonishment…

Enjoy your Picks…

HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER OF THE WEEK

The 50th annual Winnersville Classic in Georgia between the Valdosta Wildcats and Lowndes County Vikings was played in front a packed Martin Stadium last Friday night with the Wildcats coming up with an amazing 21-17 victory. The Cats were led by Jr. Quarterback Shelby Wilkes who was a backup player when the season started. This improbable win was the first for Valdosta since 2003 and seemed all but impossible heading into the final minute of play with Lowndes up 17-7 on the visiting Cats. Wilkes led the Cats on a 60 yard drive with 48 seconds left. Valdosta then recovered the onside kick to give Wilkes one last shot. That was all he needed as he connected with Avery Burney for a 35 yard touchdown to send the visitors to a victory.

Congratulations to Shelby Wilkes and the Valdosta Wildcats!

SOUTH GEORGIA NEWS and VIEWS

Hello from the heart of SEC country!!

I’m sad to report that the hometown Trojans lost another tough game to Region 2-A opponent Irwin County Friday night. The boys in blue traveled to Ocilla to take on the home standing Indians and came away on the short end of a 21-3 score. These boys played tough and fought hard all night but just couldn’t push the rock across the goal line. The season may be two thirds complete, but you can see definite improvement with every game that goes by.

Next up is a trip down south to Folkston, Georgia to take on the 6-1 Indians of Charlton County. It’s going to be a long trip to take on a tough team, but I’ve got faith that the Trojans will represent Telfair County with pride and courage.

Up in the Georgia state capitol, the Paul Johnson’s Bee’s took on the Astro-Terps of Maryland and held on by the fuzz of their thoraxes for a 21-16 win. Two weeks in a row these bees knees have played down to the competition. The Trade School was held to a season low in points, total offense, and passing yards against one of the weak(er) sisters of the Almost Competitive Conference. Defense got a stop in the 4th quarter to actually salvage a win. The Wreck takes on Virginia next week in another game against a less than stellar opponent.

Meanwhile, up the road in Knoxville, the Red Clay Hounds took on the Orange Clad Volunteers and walked away with a 20-12 win. The 6-6 score at halftime didn’t begin to tell the tale of futility of the two opponents as the two teams traded field goals. The Cow College distanced themselves in the 3rd with a couple of touchdowns and the defense played with inspiration to turn the orange-clad Knox-villains away and keep them out of the end zone. Next up for the Hounds is a tough Vanderbilt team coming to play between the hedges. The Dawgs continue to show improvement as the season goes on, but, the true test of their mettle will be in two weeks with a trip to Jacksonville for the renewal of the annual World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.

And up in Statesboro, the Pigeons hung on to pin a loss on the visiting Snakes from Chattanooga. The Eagles took a 21-7 lead to the locker room at halftime but the Mocs put a scare into the hometown crowd by tying the score with just over 9 minutes left in the fourth. QB Jaybo Shaw put the hometown heroes up with a Southern 4th quarter score but the Chattanoogaan’s weren’t done as they also scored the potential game tying touchdown. Fortunately, Eagle’s defender Josh Rowe rushed the Mocs QB on the 2 point conversion attempt and the ball fell harmlessly to the Erk Russel rug to preserve the number 1 ranked Eagle’s win.

In other action, a new era was ushered into Williams-Brice Stadium as the Kentucky Wildcats traveled to Columbia to take on the Conner Shaw led Gamecocks. What a difference a week makes. After being left for dead by the Barners of Alabama, the Gamecocks hung 54 points on the Lexington Big Blue. And once again the defense got in on the action with 6 turnovers. It’s only Kentucky, Gamecock fans, so don’t make reservations to the SEC Championship game yet.

Over in Bryant-Denny, the Tuscaloosa Pachyderms sent the Commodores down the gang plank as they sunk Vanderbilt 34-0. A.J. McCarron had season highs in TDs and passing yards as the Boys from Bama posted scores in all 4 quarters in another convincing SEC win.

Mark November 5th on your calendars folks.
The immovable object meets the unstoppable force as the Bayou Bengals travel to T-Town for a game that may also leave people on the front rows of the stadium battered and bruised!

Over in Fayetteville, the Razorbacks took on the Tigers from the Plains, who have an identity crisis since they have an Eagle for a mascot, and dropped the visitors to 4-2 on the season with a convincing 38-14 win. The Aubies were soundly thrashed by their hosts and left holding a rather tenuous grip on 3rd place in the SEC West.

Elsewhere, the Oklahoma Sooners took on the Longhorns of Texas in the Red River Rivalry. No, Texas, that wasn’t a Sooner Schooner that ran over you, it was a Mack Truck. The Pioneers thoroughly dominated Bevo’s Boys to the tune of 55-17. It was close after 15 minutes but once the Okie Dokie got hot they tore through Texas like a prairie fire.

Clemson continued its winning ways with a sound win against the visiting Boston College Iggles. QB Tajh Boyd was hurt in the win but it’s not thought to be too serious. The Orange Tigers take on the Rambling Wreck in Bobby-Dodd in two weeks in a game which will determine which of these two is a contender and which one is a pretender.

Up in corn country, the Corn Shuckers turned away the Nutty Buddies of Ohio in one of the greatest comebacks in Nebraska history. The Taylor Martinez led Farm Hands came back from a 21 point deficit to turn the visitors around and send the visitors back to Columbus sporting a 3-3 record. And finally, the Golden Domers topped the Wing Nuts of Air Force 59-33. In the first of two games against the Service Academies, the South Benders routed another less than stellar opponent in their attempt to occupy a spot in the bottom of the top 25. But, one question comes to mind that I’ve always wanted to ask. Why does a Catholic School have a mural of Touchdown Jesus in their end zone? Are they trying to send a message to the Pope?

Now it’s time again for the Peach State Prognostication. I really didn’t see much to get excited about from either team. But, get ready Dawg fans, for the pendulum is swinging.

I’m going to have to go with the Clark Countians by a 27-21 score this week.

Why, you ask? Simple; Defense. The Jackets don’t have much and the Dawgs do. The futility of the offenses offset each other. Plus, after coming off of a rough two weeks to start the season, the Athenians are showing character in winning by any means necessary.
I could be wrong, but gut feeling says the tide may be turning.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.

And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

(FULL MOON) EMAILS OF THE WEEK

Q: You are a damn raciest! I have never in my life read such garbage!

Do you have any idea that comparisons like you made with Coach Phil Fulmer to monkeys are raciest?
Or are you just that stupid? I have never read anything so insulting and degrading!

You should apologize for such disgusting rants.

Debra – Nashville, Tennessee

A: Thank you so much Debra for taking the time to point this out to me.
You are right.
I want to take this time to apologize to any Chimpanzees, Gorillas, Orangutans or Spider Monkeys that were offended by my comparisons of them to the vile and disgusting Phil Fulmer.

Q: Dear Mr Wizard,
I got this question that’s kinda puzzlin me an yore bout the smartest man on tha planet so I figured you could help me. I was watchin a football game on tha TV and they had this thing they give out that made me just scratch my haid. See theres this award they give to tha “top African-American scholar athlete.”
I just don’t understand that.
Aint that racist?
Didn’t that Marty Lutheran King fella say sumpin bout judgin folks by the contents of their characters and not by the color of their skin or sumpin like that? Well if you is judgin folks by that how can they just give out a award for a Afircan American college football fella cause he’s Afircan American?
And here’s sompin else that’s got me ta just shakin my head. They got that club called the N-A-A-C-P. Just in case you didn’t know, that means National Association for the Advancement of Colered people.
Well, I don’t know bout where you come from, but down in these here parts, if you say sumpin bout colered folks, theres some people that get real riled up. I mean, I don’t know whether ta say colered, or black, or Afircan American.

So, can you help me out and set me straight on somma this stuff. Im real confused.

Lemuel in Ludowici

A: Thank you for the fine compliment Lemuel, but I’m not sure I can help you out on this topic as I prefer to identify people by their names and not by something else. But…..
The good news in all this is that “Saltine Crackers” will be promoting their own scholarship athlete in the coming weeks.

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –

We are Big Fans! We love your column!
We have a question for you Mister Wizard!
So like what is the first thing you do every morning to get you ready for the day?

GO MIZZOU TIGERS!

Delores, Margaret and Janice – Kansas City, Missouri

A: Thank you for the kind email Ladies…
When I wake up the first thing I do each and every morning is….

“Remember the Alamo”

Q: Dear CFB Wizard –

I noticed that some weeks you “don’t do so well” on your college football picks.
(No disrespect intended)
So what is your secret to bouncing back from a tough week?
I am having kind of a tough time myself and was wondering what your secret was?

Thanks Dude your website rocks
Steve – Spartanburg, South Carolina

A: Thank you for the compliment on the website Steve..

I wouldn’t suggest my “method” for clearing one’s mind to anyone Steve it is far too harsh and potentially dangerous but “IF” you decide to submit yourself to such a treatment, then I can only wish you good luck and I will not answer any phone calls from your personal injury attorney.

I would suggest listening to “Black Oak Arkansas” backwards for three hours.

Then you will understand what they truly mean by “Jim Dandy to the Rescue”

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

SOUTH CAROLINA: So Coach Steve…..
You didn’t decide to take a knee in the last minute of the game; instead you opted to score again.
Then you thought it was “cute” to be a smartass at the post game news conference and make fun of Kentucky’s futility in the game. Classy Coach, real Classy.

Then to make things even better….
You have a complete PMS meltdown at your Tuesday news conference over (of all things) a reporter being in the room “you didn’t like”.

And to top it all off you kick Stephen Garcia off the team for what, the thirteenth time?

Sounds like somebody needs to retire…for good.

OREGON: Aren’t you all on probation yet or are you still Ducking the NCAA?

TEXAS: I was always told if you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.

So I won’t

DR. PEPPER COMMERCIAL: If I see your stupid commercial featuring some jackass in sunglasses singing some stupid Hip Hop crap to Dr. Pepper again; in the name of Elvis I swear I am going to shoot my television screen out.

AIR FORCE: I can’t believe I saw the United States Air Force get Bombed last Saturday…
And for the record I am talking about the game with Notre Dame not Saturday Night’s shenanigans at the Officers Club.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: How are you Trojans enjoying your Lame Kitten?

TEXAS A&M: I hope my article this week helped with you all with your “marriage plans”….

No need to thank me

TENNESSEE: I know Volunteer fans are frustrated, it’s because you are impatient and were used to winning, even if it was with thugs and criminals. But let this be said and let it sink in…

This is the first time in at least twenty years…..

Twenty years….

There hasn’t been any off season arrest of ANY Tennessee Football Players…

No Rapes, No attempted Murders, No Thefts, No Drunk and Fighting Police..NO Nothing.

This Coach has the team headed in the right direction and is in the process of restoring integrity to the football program; all you have to do is give him a chance.

That is unless having rapist, drug dealers and thugs on the team are “Ok” as long as you are winning.

OKLAHOMA: Congratulations on a Big win in the Red River Stampede

KENTUCKY: Coach Phillips this isn’t a Joke….

You better get it get it together real quick….
Even though The Kentucky Wildcats are the Men’s Basketball Flagship of the Conference, the Wildcat faithful don’t like getting their respective asses handed to them in such a rude fashion.

NCAA: The latest news….

MONTGOMERY, Ala. (AP) — The NCAA says it found no major violations committed by Auburn regarding Cam Newton or other pay-for-play allegations.

The NCAA released a statement Wednesday saying it has closed its 13-month investigation into Auburn’s recruitment of the Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback, whose father shopped his services to another school for nearly $200,000.

The NCAA also cleared Auburn in allegations by four former players that they received payments during their recruitment or careers.

The NCAA says “any allegations of major rules violations must meet a burden of proof, which is a higher standard than rampant public speculation online and in the media.”

It also says the investigation could be reopened if evidence surfaces.

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t think this is over, because it isn’t. More next week….

THE GAMES

Thursday October 13th

Texas Southern at Alabama A&M
This game is what college football is all about….
Cats against the Dogs
The Tigers of Southern will come up short in this contest
But their “Ocean of Soul Marching Band” is not to be missed
BAMA DOGS 31-27

Delta State at North Alabama
The Fighting Okra against my beloved Florence Lions
Both of these teams are red hot, but I have to go with the home team
(It’s an Alabama thing….)
MIGHTY LIONS 34-28

San Diego State at Air Force
I don’t know if the Falcons can recover from being carpet bombed by the Fighting Irish…
But I am betting they will…
FALCONS 33-31

Southern California at California
This “big” instate rivalry in California has been “renamed” recently to….
“More accurately reflect California values…”
Thus this rivalry is now named….
“The Illegal Aliens, Gay Lesbian Transgendered Diversity, Mudslides, Wildfires, Outrageous Taxes, Gridlock Traffic Game” or “IAGLTDMWOTGT Game” for short…

Catchy don’t you think?
LAMES TROJANS 17-10

Friday October 14th

Hawaii at San Jose State
I am as excited about this game as you all are….
I promise I am!
Because it reminds us all that “Dog the Bounty Hunter” will return to the A&E Network
This Fall on Wednesday Nights (Check your local listings for times)
WARRIORS Bounty Hunting across RAINBOWS 38-17

Saturday October 15th

Michigan at Michigan State
This instate rivalry is played each year for the coveted “Paul Bunyan Ax Trophy”
No word yet on who get’s “Babe” the Big Blue Ox.
WOLVERINES 38-17

Utah at Pittsburgh
Lately the Two Ute’s are playing like they got liquored up behind the playground.
Not that I am judging
I’m just saying….
TWO UTES 31-28

Salisbury at Alfred
I had no idea that the Salisbury Steak people had their own college.
That’s the kind of news that will give men everywhere hope
SALISBURY STEAK & GRAVY 24-17

Baylor at Texas A&M
This long standing Rivalry in the Lone State State has been played each year since 1899
They call it “The Battle of the Brazos”
It’s coming to an end because of the Aggies love of money
How proud they must be
BEAR DOWN 33-31

Indiana at Wisconsin
This “intense” rivalry in the Big Ten or Twelve is relatively new in comparison to their other conference rivalries. This particular rivalry is played for the…..
“Captain and Tennille Muskrat of Love Trophy”
As a safety tip: Always wash your hands after touching the Muskrat of Love Trophy
BADGERS 43-10

Toledo at Bowling Green
This battle in the Buckeye State is called “The Battle of I-75”
I think the winner gets a chunk of asphalt and a piece of an old guardrail
Which is nice
RICKY ROCKET 28-21

St Francis at Sacred Heart
Here we go again….
These arrogant people think they are the only ones with a “Sacred Heart”
Well I got a “News Flash” for them….
They Aren’t!
St. Francis was a pretty cool cat himself
PIONEERS 28-17

Campbell at Marist
I am not too sure about Gaylord the Camel
(But we all have our suspicions about Gaylord, don’t we?)
But I do know that Marist is a real Fox…
RED FOX’S 34-14

Moravian at Susquehanna
You may not believe this…
But Morey isn’t ready for Susie this Saturday….
She has a new pair of pink “Baby Girl” sweat pants and some Lee Press On Nails and that girl is ready for a tussle, Believe it.
SUSIE Q 28-10

Purdue at Penn State
You guessed it….
Another Big Ten or whatever game means “another” rivalry trophy
This game is played for the coveted “Joe Pa’s Dentures”
Which have bit the Boilermakers in the ass ever since the Lions joined the Big Ten.
Some things never change…
JOE PA’S LIONS 34-10

Louisville at Cincinnati
This Battle on the Ohio River is called “The Battle for the Keg of Nails”
And the winner of the game gets a…..
“Keg of Nails”
I think this game is sponsored by Home Depot
BEARKATS 28-24

South Carolina at Mississippi State
The Roosters and the Bulldogs sounds like a fight in the barnyard..
And that’s exactly what it will be too.
GAMECOCKS 24-20

Miami at North Carolina
These two teams confuse the hell out of me.
One week they look great and the next week…
They couldn’t beat the Breaux Bridge dance Academy
This one is a tossup
TAR HEELS 24-21

Navy at Rutgers
The Last team the Midshipmen went to New Jersey the local fans booed them…
That’s right…
They Booed the Midshipmen from the United States Naval Academy while the country is at war in two countries. I hope the Midshipmen haven’t forgotten it, I damn sure haven’t forgotten.
MIGHTY MIDSHIPMEN 31-24

Gardner Webb at Presbyterian
I have promised you loyal readers that I would have pictures of the Blue Ho’s Cheerleaders

I can’t tell if those ladies are cold or are they just big Smurf fans?
BLUE HO’S 34-17

UNLV at Wyoming
The Rebel’s haven’t been doing too much running and the Cowboys seem to have lost their horses, so this game is all about, who sucks worse than the other guys.
COWBOY UP! 21-17

Appalachian State at Citadel
The Mountaineers are going to take a rolled up newspaper and spank the Bulldogs.
MOUNTAINEERS 38-10

LSU at Tennessee
Last year…
The Volunteers had the Tigers beat in Death Valley until “simple math” raised its ugly head.
This one will be closer than you might think, a lot closer
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-21

Wabash at Oberlin
This game brings up a very interesting question….
I wonder if Oberlin can play the Wabash Cannonball.

I can almost hear Ole Roy Acuff singing now…

“Oh listen to the jingle
The rumble and the roar
As she glides along the woodlands
Through the hills and by the shore
Hear the mighty rush of her engine
Hear that lonesome hobo’s call
We’re travelling through the jungles
On the Wabash Cannonball”

Forgive me I was having a flashback there for a moment…
WABASH CANNONBALL 28-21

Furman at Georgia Southern
The Eagles of Southern continue their dominance for another week…
After a soundly thrashing of Furryman.
I wonder if that’s Chewbacca’s cousin.
SOUTHERN EAGLES 38-24

Florida State at Duke
Last week the Mighty Seminoles proved they weren’t so mighty after all…
They get their confidence back this week…
SEMINOLES 44-10

Rice at Marshall
Sorry Hoot Owls….
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-17

Jackson State at Mississippi Valley State
The Delta Devils get Deviled Egged in this one…
WALTER’S TIGERS 38-17

Northern Arizona at Montana State
The Lumberjacks of Arizona get chopped down by the pesky Bobcats
Believe it
BOBCATS 34-28

Eastern Michigan at Central Michigan
This instate Michigan Rivalry is played each year for the “Michigan MAC Trophy”
Not to be confused for the “Chili Mac and Cheese Trophy”
That thing is delicious
CHIPPEWA’S 28-24

Carleton at St. Olaf
This is a BIG Rivalry game and I’m not joking…
It’s called “The Cereal Bowl” and it’s played for The Goat Trophy and The Cereal Bowl Trophy
(Stop laughing, I’m serious)
ST OLES 31-28

Portland State at Montana
Last year the Vikings upset the Mighty Grizzlies….
Not this year
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 38-17

Juniata at Ursinus
If you think I am going to make a joke about Juanita having a Urine infection, you are wrong!
It’s a sinus infection
J-LO 24-17

South Florida at Connecticut
The Boy’s from Tampa get back to their winning ways this week
And that’s …
NO BULL 33-17

Colorado at Washington
This game isn’t too difficult to pick…
Since the Buffalo’s haven’t won a road game since William McKinley was President
HUSKIES 28-17

Miami (OH) at Kent State
Another Battle in the Buckeye state and this will be a good one…
It’s played each year for the “Kent State Sucks Trophy”
People up there like to think of it as a “Win-Win” kind of a thing…
REDHAWKS 31-28

Central Florida at Southern Methodist
The Boy’s from O-Town (Not the defunct musically challenged boy band)
Get a rude welcome to Mustang Country
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34

Ball State at Ohio
The Cats really let me down last week….
It looked like they were rolling to an undefeated season.
They will have to fight the Birds to get back to their winning ways.
It’s going to be close
FRANK’S CATS 28-24

Ohio State at Illinois
This Big Ten or whatever Rivalry is played for the “Illibuck”
To be honest, it kind of looks like a tangerine that has gone bad
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 31-17

Georgia Tech at Virginia
The Rambling Wreck will continue to Ramble until they meet the Mighty Clemson Tigers
YELLOW JACKETS 28-17

Montana Western at North Dakota
I know picks like this just drive the NCAA Speech Police crazy…
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-10

UTEP at Tulane
I get emails all the time from the Green Wave faithful asking…
“Are we going to win any games this year?”
And the answer is always the same….
No, no you will not…
MINERS 33-17

Tennessee Martin at South Alabama
I know, I know…
I do love Mobile Alabama, it’s one of my favorite places in the whole world
But the boys from Martin have a gunslinger at Quarterback this year…
Believe it..
SKYHAWKS 43-10

Western Kentucky at Florida Atlantic
In the immortal words of the great rural philosopher Forrest Gump…
“This game is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get”
Ain’t it the truth
HILLTOPPERS 24-17

Eastern Illinois at Murray State
This game is between the Panthers and the Racers…
I’m a 100 yard dash man…
RACERS 28-24

New Mexico at Nevada
I think the Lobo’s are on the down low for a yo-yo with a Hobo.
I’m not really sure what that means, but that was all I had for this game.
WOLFPACK 38-28

Oklahoma State at Texas
I don’t want to think about it…
COWBOY UP! 38-24

North Texas at Louisiana Lafayette
U La La is going to get an unhealthy dose of the….
MEAN GREEN 38-17

Boise State at Colorado State
The Bronco’s won’t get Rammed this week…
Not by a long shot
BRONCO’S 43-10

Carson Newman at North Greenville
Spark’s Boys are back on track after winning last week…
Let’s I hope it continues, I’m counting on it
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-31

Alabama at Ole Miss
Houston you have a problem….
The Big Red Elephants are coming to town…
CRIMSON TIDE 31-14

Virginia Tech at Wake Forest
The Demon Deacons upset the Mighty Seminoles last week….
No such luck this week
HOKEY POKEY 28-17

Georgia at Vanderbilt
Everybody counted the Mighty Bulldogs out except Yours Truly…
There are days my own genius even scares me…
SIC EM DAWGS 31-17

Northwestern at Iowa
It seems like every Tom, Dick and Harry is picking the Wildcats over the Hawkeyes…
Those aren’t my names so I’m under no obligation to follow the crowd on this one
HAWKEYES 28-21

Kansas State at Texas Tech
One question for the Red Raider faithful….
“Do you miss Coach Mike Leach yet?”
If not, you’re about to…
WILDCATS 28-21

Texas A&M Kingsville at Incarnate Word
Well Excuse Me! So you are the ONLY ones that have the Incarnate Word?
I just can’t pick a team that is predicated on such arrogance.
KING TOWN 28-10

Clemson at Maryland
The Mighty Tigers are going to scuff up the Linoleum tile Turtles
And not in a “nice” way….
DABO’S TIGERS 34-17

Florida at Auburn
I didn’t think I would say this two weeks ago….
But this game could go either way.
It’s True
GATOR CHOMP 28-24

East Carolina at Memphis
Say it with me…..
“Elvis has left the building….”
PIRATES 24-17

Occidental at Pomona Pitzer
Do you ever wonder what would happen if you..
“Occidentally took a Pomona Pitzer instead of a laxative?”
Never mind….
POMONA P 21-17

Stanford at Washington State
The Cougars might win this game…..
If the Cardinal plane gets diverted to Detroit
CARDINAL 43-17

UAB at Tulsa
Before any of my friends in Birmingham ask…
“No”, the Blazers will not win another game this year
Sorry….
O’ SO GOLDEN HURRICANES 34-17

Idaho at New Mexico State
The “Ida-Honkies” visits the Land of Lasso Larry and the Aggies…
Sounds like a Party to me…
LASSO LARRY 28-24

Oklahoma at Kansas
This game is going to get uglier than two for one Beer night at the Bowling Alley
BOOMER SOONERS 43-10

Utah State at Fresno State
There are a lot of people that think the Bulldogs have thrown in the towel this year…
I am one of them
AGGIES 31-28

Arizona State at Oregon
I had every intention of watching this marquee matchup in the PAC (Whatever)
But Richard Simmons has a “new” DVD that he is previewing on QVC, it’s called….
“Breaking a Hip to the Oldies”
QUACKERS 7-6

Iowa State at Missouri
This Big 12 (Light) Rivalry game is played for the coveted …
“Telephone Trophy”…..
The funny thing is….
Most of the players on the teams don’t even know what the hell an old “telephone” looks like

MO KNOWS AT&T 24-21

Brigham Young at Oregon State
I know the Cougars have been rolling lately…
But I still believe in the Power of the Almighty Beaver
MIGHTY BEAVERS 28-24

Enjoy your games…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s Bowling Season……..

And with more Bowl Games than ever and sponsorships of the games difficult to follow

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will break the Bowl games down into two parts for your reading enjoyment.

No need to thank me….

Think of it as an early Christmas present…..

Enjoy Part I of your Bowl games……

THE BOWL GAMES (PART I)

December 18th

New Mexico Bowl
Albuquerque, New Mexico
BYU and UTEP
This “bowl” game with its simple name recognizing the state in which it is played
was changed to its current name after the “sponsorship” of the previous bowl game was determined to be “inappropriate”.
The bowl game was formally known as the…..
“We Suck Bowl” sponsored by Hoover Vacuum Cleaners
With all the letters in these two teams it should have been sponsored by….
Campbell’s Alphabet Soup….
COUGARS 33-24

uDrove Humanitarian Bowl
Boise, Idaho
Northern Illinois and Fresno State
This sponsorship confuses me…..
Why would you drive to Boise Idaho to be a Humanitarian?
Frankly that sounds like a threat to me….
BULLDOGS 28-24

R&L Carrier New Orleans Bowl
New Orleans, Louisiana
Ohio and Troy
I think to name your bowl game after a “carrier”
During the cold and flu season is just rude…
I hope the sponsors get runny noses out of this….
MEN OF TROY 31-28

December 21st

Beef O’ Brady’s St Petersburg Bowl
St. Petersburg Florida
Louisville and Southern Miss
What in the hell were the sponsors of this bowl game thinking?
It sounds like the game is sponsored by a porn actor
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-17

December 22nd

MAACO Las Vegas Bowl
Las Vegas, Nevada
Utah and Boise State
Isn’t MACCO where Rita Rod get’s her make-up applied?
Never mind, I just remembered she has it done at Earl Shive
Sorry for the confusion….
Two Utes get their potatoes mashed….
BRONCOS 33-31

December 23rd

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
San Diego, California
San Diego State and Navy
I much prefer the more appropriate name for this “California” Bowl game
“The Wild Fire Illegal Aliens Mud Slide Earthquake Out of Sight Taxes Bowl”
It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
MIDSHIPMEN 38-17

December 24th

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
Honolulu, Hawaii
Tulsa and Hawaii
Dog the Bounty Hunter’s mullet could beat both of these teams…
Don’t make him prove it either…
WARRIORS Bounty Hunting on RAINBOWS 43-38

December 26th

Little Caesars Bowl
Detroit, Michigan
Florida International and Toledo
Who in the hell thought a bowl game in Detroit was a good idea?
What was their second choice for a bowl game, Beirut Lebanon?
They should have gone with Beirut; it’s safer than Detroit….
SUNSHINE PANTHERS 33-28

December 27th

AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl
Shreveport, Louisiana
Georgia Tech and Air Force
Much like you…..
I have no idea what the hell a V100 is and why somebody Advo – Cares about it…
Why can’t this just be the Weed Eater Bowl, like it used to be….
MIGHTY FALCONS 34-28

December 28th

Champs Sports Bowl
Orlando Florida
North Carolina State and West Virginia
I like this match-up…..
It will be slobber knocker to the final whistle…..
Light those Couches in Morgantown!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-31

Insight Bowl
Tempe, Arizona
Iowa and Missouri
I have some “insight” for you in this Bowl game….
This has the potential to be one of the better games of the season….
Believe it
MO’ KNOWS BOWLS 24-21

December 29th

Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman
Washington, D.C.
Maryland and East Carolina
Since this game is in Washington D.C…….
The sponsors debated between the games current name…
And “The Beltway Bandit Contractor’s Bowl” and
“The Crack Pipe Bowl” sponsored by Marion Barry
I wish they would have gone with the latter…
It’s more appropriate
FIGHTING TURTLES 33-27

Texas Bowl
Houston, Texas
Illinois and Baylor
What I wouldn’t give to be in Houston town tonight…..
BEARS 28-20

Valero Bowl
San Antonio, Texas
Oklahoma State and Arizona
Little known fact…..
“Valero” is Spanish for…..
“Sam Houston kicked Santa Anna’s ass at San Jacinto”
I can say that because each and every morning I wake up and..
Remember the Alamo
COWBOY UP! 38-17

More on the way to include Part II of the Bowl Picks

So Stay Tuned

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Halloween is over and I hope that none of my beloved readers lost a loved one this year to the insatiable appetite of Fat Phil Fulmer when he emerged from the pumpkin patch.

But there were far too many “Tricks” and not enough “Treats” to suit me this year.

This coupled with the “signs” of the coming apocalypse made Halloween all too disturbing.
What do I mean and what are the signs of the end of the world you may ask?

The signs are all around us…..

Texas loses to Baylor….
(O’ the Humanity!)

Notre Dame loses to Tulsa and STILL has a television contract…
(How is that even possible?)

Syracuse continues to win…
(Despite my best efforts of picking against them)

West Virginia..
(Please see Texas above and substitute “Baylor” with Syracuse and Connecticut)

The Miami Hurricanes lose to Virginia….

The Navy Midshipmen lose to the Duke Blue Devils

EDITORS NOTE: Clearly Satan’s hand was at work in this game…
Is it a coincidence that “Blue Devils” beat the Midshipmen?
I think not…

And certainly the most obvious sign of the end of the age….

The Oregon Ducks are Ranked Number One….
I rest my case….

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was “Tricked” on Halloween…
(I admit it…)

I was a dismal 41 and 15 or 73% on Halloween weekend…
That leaves us at 413 and 97 for the season or 81% after nine weeks of college football.

Have no fear my beloved readers, this setback will not deter me
In the words of that immortal 20th Century philosopher M.C. Hammer….
“I’m 2 Legit to Quit…”

EMAIL LETTER OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mister Smartass –
We have been a reading what you write about Coach Phil Fulmer!
He only happens to be the greatest damn football coach to ever wear orange!

If I was you un’s I would watch my self.
I understand Phil Fulmer is six foot five and seven hundred and forty two pounds and he is ALL man!
Hope you enjoyed your little laugh cause Coach Phil is going to catch up with you mister!
Then you are done for!
Danny “Possum Face” Rogers – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Danny…..
Fat Phil Fulmer couldn’t catch me if they strapped his fat ass to a Saturn 5 rocket.

HOOTIE SNITCH UPDATE

As was reported last week…
The self proclaimed number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the planet Hootie Snitch..
Was scheduled to provide you readers with an update this week on his “celebrity golf tournament” in Baneberry Tennessee to “help his momma with the hoof and mouth disease” and provide commentary on the Tennessee Volunteer football program.

Unfortunately Hootie is atop the Baneberry water tower and has vowed “not to come down until the Volunteers win a conference game.”

However, I suspect his “Water Tower Vow” has less to do with the Volunteers lackluster season than it does with Mrs Hootie Snitch (the former Miss Thelma Stroderback) being rather upset with Mr. Snitch.

I say that because….
Hootie has stated that Miss Thelma can empty a bar “when she is a having the PMS….”

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“I don’t understand these folks that run the college football on television….
Why do they think it takes ten damn people talking fo’ three hours about a game we already know about?
It don’t make no difference if they was a coach or player or a water boy, we already know who is playing and what’s at stake in the game.

That’s why we is fans, which they don’t seem to understand…..

Them people give me a damn headache just listening to them go on and on and back and forth.
And they have some people calling the games on television…
They don’t know nothing about college football, its traditions or the history of the games and mispronounce the player’s names during the whole damn game.

I even seen a couple of women calling them games….
It’s bad enough they don’t know nothing about the game….
But they is ugly as a shaved rat too….
I tell you it’s damn shame is what it is….”

EDITORS NOTE: Wise words my friend….Wise words.

THE PICKS

Thursday November 4th

Buffalo at Ohio
I’m not sure why an NFL team is playing Ohio University….
Never mind…
It’s the Buffalo Bills, now that makes sense..
FRANKS BOBCATS 33-17

Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech
This game will be played Thursday Night….
Enter the Sandman….
HOKEY POKEY 24-21

Friday November 5th

Western Michigan at Central Michigan
This instate rivalry is played for the….
“CMU-WMU Rivalry Trophy”
How inventive…
CHIPPEWAS’ 31-28

Central Florida at Houston
The Cougars post season hopes dim as their injury list grows….
Sad, but true…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 34-21

Saturday November 6th

Virginia at Duke
Fans across the Atlantic Coast Conference have waited for this clash of the titans all year..
Not really, I was just trying to hype a game that nobody really cares about …
CAVALIERS 24-21

Air Force at Army
This game may very well decide who wins the “Commander in Chief’s Trophy”
Now…
If we only had a “Commander in Chief” to award the trophy
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-24

Dickenson at Juniata
Miss Emily Dickenson better be ready for a tussle on Saturday….
Because Juanita just got a new pair of pink “Baby Girl” sweat pants from K-Mart..
She is almost unbeatable in those things….
J-LO DOWN 34-14

Florida at Vanderbilt
The Commodores get shipped on by the Mighty Gators in Music City
In case you were wondering….
I thought that one up myself.
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Davidson at Marist
I don’t know much about David’s Son but that Marist is a real Fox
RED FOX 24-20

Louisville at Syracuse
I can’t believe I am writing this…..
OTTO the ORANGE 28-24

Baylor at Oklahoma State
Can you hear that?
It’s the Prairie Wind touching the boys from Wacko in the mean place….
COWBOY UP! 33-24

Idaho State at Georgia
Famous Potatoes gets mashed between the hedges….
And that’s a fact
DAWGS 38-10

Charleston Southern at Kentucky
The Buccaneers gets the crap bucked out of them in the Bluegrass…
JOKERS CATS 43-10

Ursinus at Muhlenberg
I like the Big German Girl in this one….
She looks a lot like the Swiss Miss Girl…
On Steroids
HELGA 31-17

Chattanooga at Auburn
This game is going to be uglier than a party at Charlie Sheen’s House
Minus the cocaine, hookers, midget clowns etc.
WAR DAMN EAGLE 121-3

Akron at Ball State
I wanted to see this game…
But my “Best of Zamfir Pan Flute” CD is supposed to arrive….
ZIPPERS 33-28

UNLV at Brigham Young
I wonder if there was ever a guy named Brigham “Old” …..
Just wondering….
COUGARS 43-10

Rice at Tulsa
I think the most appropriate comment about this game…
Comes once again from that wisest of all modern urban philosophers
M.C. Hammer, when he said and I quote…
“You can’t touch this..”
GOLDEN HURRICANES 28-21

EDITORS NOTE: That song is stuck in your head now and I am truly sorry…

Temple at Kent State
Saturday is supposed to be a perfect day for football…..
Or in the words of Billy Idol….
“It’s a Nice day for a White Wedding..”
FLASHES of GOLD 28-24

EDITORS NOTE: Not really sure what that is supposed to mean…
I purposely used this song to replace the rather annoying song I placed in your heads earlier.
No need to thank me…

Susquehanna at Worchester Tech
I had no idea the Worchester Sauce people had their own college….
Did you?
SUSIE Q 33-10

Colorado at Kansas
I had every intention of watching this game…
But QVC is having an hour long special on “Ant Farms for Fun and Profit”
BUFFALOS 24-21

Appalachian State at Georgia Southern
The Eagles will get the Statesboro Blues when the Mountaineers roll into town
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

New Mexico State at Utah State
There will be a lot of Aggies in this one….
But only one Pistol Pete
PISTOL PETE 34-28

Hawaii at Boise State
The national sports media is touting this game as a “Clash for the Championship”
In reality….
It’s neither….
BRONCOS 92-88

Navy at East Carolina
The United States Navy knows how to deal with Pirates….
Or at least they should…
MIDSHIPMEN 34-31

Nebraska at Iowa State
The Husker Nation is on the road to the Big 12 Championship game….
This game will not be a detour…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 43-24

Texas Christian at Utah
I have on good authority that Chuck Norris lives in Fort Worth
That being said….
Those two Utes better run like hell before they get a roundhouse kick to the head!
HORNED FROGS 33-24

Southern Miss at Tulane
This Southern Rivalry is called the “Battle for the Bell”
It’s played every year for “The Bell”
And “The Bell” will stay in Hattiesburg until hell freezes over…
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-10

James Madison at Richmond
I like the James Madison team and I will tell you why…
Any college that names their team after John Wayne is alright by me…
DUKES 24-20

Alabama at LSU
There is nothing like playing a game in Death Valley…
It’s what the Christians must have felt like in the Roman coliseum
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

Lenoir-Rhyne at Carson Newman
I can’t believe they spelled this incorrectly in the scheduling guide.
It’s supposed to be…
“Lee Ann Rimes”…..
But as a side note…
Why she is playing college football continues to baffle me…
SPARKS EAGLES 38-24

Boston College at Wake Forest
Two things you can count on in this game…
It’s going to be close…
And the Demon Deacon mascot will scare children and make them cry
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 24-21

Marshall at UAB
It pains me to write this…..
It really does….
BLAZERS 38-24

Nevada at Idaho
It’s funny how some words have different meanings….
For example:
You might pronounce that name “Ida-Ho”……
People in Obknoxville say….
“Ho-Down”…..
WOLFPACK 44-24

Wyoming at New Mexico
I would rather see Whoopi Goldberg naked than watch this game…
No, that’s a lie….
On the threat of torture and death I wouldn’t want to see that….
LOW BLOWS 24-17

U La La at Ole Miss
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt, sometimes you don’t
This week….I do…
FOAM RUBBER REBEL BEARS 43-17

Oregon State at UCLA
There is no doubt about it…
I believe in the Power of the Beaver…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 31-24

Oklahoma at Texas A&M
Honestly, I’m too nauseous over my Whoopi Goldberg comment to say something funny here.
I’ve already thrown up twice….
BOOMER SOONERS 38-34

West Alabama at North Alabama
This instate battle in Alabama is played for something more than a trophy or a catchy name.
It’s pride and bragging rights and that says it all.
MIGHTY LIONS 38-10

Arkansas at South Carolina
The Hogs will keep this one close……
Don’t be surprised if Coach Steve doesn’t lose his visor over this one…
GAMECOCKS 31-28

Troy at North Texas
I love the fine folks in Denton…
But why did they have to name their team after a kitchen cleanser?
MEN OF TROY 28-24

Missouri at Texas Tech
MO knows how to get his guns up….
After all, it is the Home of the James and Younger Boys…
Enough said..
MO’S TIGERS 34-17

Texas at Kansas State
I am going to say what we are all thinking..
Notable exception to this would be Oklahoma and Texas A&M fans…
“Damn it Texas, Come ON!”
Now that I have that out of my system..
LONGHORNS 24-17

Tennessee at Memphis
It’s that time of the year in Volunteer country….
When the Big Orange faithful don their finest wife beaters..
And drive their homes across the state to the land of Elvis…
It’s considered to be a pilgrimage if they tour Graceland…
VOWELS 38-17

Southern Methodist at UTEP
This game promises to be a shoot out….
But I have faith in Coach June’s Boys…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34

Colorado State at San Diego State
I would rather watch..
Hillary Clinton play “strip” Twister with Rosie O’Donnell than watch this game
Sorry I made myself throw up again with that one…
RAM TOUGH 33-31

Arizona State at Southern California
I would watch this game….
But Mike Tyson is going to be on “celebrity” Jeopardy
I bet before the first commercial break he bites Alex Trebek’s ear off….
LAME CHEATERS 6-3

Minnesota at Michigan State
This semi-ancient Big Ten Rivalry is played for the “Bucket of Lard”
And in case you were wondering….
Phil Fulmer is the poster child for the Lard Council who sponsors this event.
SPARTANS 43-10

Iowa at Indiana
Another Big Ten game and yet another rivalry trophy…
This game is played each year for the “Sombrero of Bacon”
It may sound tasty to some of you…
But I have on good authority it starts smelling a little gamey by April
EYES of the HAWK 34-17

North Carolina at Florida State
I still miss seeing Coach Bobby on the sidelines….
Wandering around aimlessly in his Vietcong hat, wielding goggles..
And wearing pants with a fifty six inch zipper.
Ahhhhhh Good times.
TAR HEELS 28-24

Virginia at Duke
This game is going to be so boring I listed it twice….
CAVALIERS 24-21

Northwestern at Penn State
Many of you have asked me this year….
After all the years of Coaching in Happy Valley….
What does Joe Pa wear to Lion games for “Good Luck”
The answer is:
Depends
JOE PA’S LIONS 24-21

Arizona at Stanford
I have a philosophical question that is unrelated to this game
If you can purchase a variety of “combination” items from the grocery store
Such as a combination “Mayo and Tuna” package, presumably because they go together.
Then why isn’t there a “Toilet paper and Ex-Lax” combination pack?
I’m just asking…
CARDINAL 34-17

Maryland at Miami
Last week the Hurricanes couldn’t generate enough wind to qualify as a popcorn fart…
That won’t happen this week…
HURRICANES 34-24

Illinois at Michigan
For those folks visiting Ann Arbor this weekend I want to provide a brief safety tip for you
Under NO circumstances should you ask Coach Rod’s wife Rita..
“What would you do for a Klondike Bar?”
If her answers were not horribly disgusting enough, she felt obligated to act them out…
Frankly what she did with that Sock Money was a crime…
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-31

Wisconsin at Purdue
Behold the Power of Processed Cheese by Products
BADGERS 34-13

Washington at Oregon
I had no idea The History Channel was going to have a three hour special on..
“The History of Macaroni Art” or I would watch this game….
QUACKERS 101-10

North Carolina State at Clemson
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
My Tiger family….
You must believe…
DABOS TIGERS 28-24

California at Washington State
The “announcers” for this PAC 10 game sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks
On helium…
I’m serious…
O’ so GOLDEN BEARS 131-0

Enjoy your games…..

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

We are nearing the end of October…..
And in most parts of the country autumn is in the air….
The air turns crisp as the leaves begin to change color…..
The cool breeze blows the falling leaves across the landscape….
And young and old alike are preparing for Halloween…..
Children in festive costumes, pumpkin carvings of all types decorate porches and windows
But as we all know….
This is also a dangerous time of the year…..

This is also the time of the year…..

When Fat Phil Fulmer will come out of the pumpkin patch
and douse unsuspecting and unsupervised children in a sweet sugary substance and devour them whole.

So please, do not leave your children unsupervised this time of year and remember:
Fat Phil has been known to wear a variety of disguises to lure children into his waiting jaws.
Such as….
He may be dressed as a larger, more transvestite looking Wynonna Judd
that smells suspiciously like Krispy Kreme Bear Claws….

Or he may be disguised as a 600 pound Pumpkin that smells suspiciously like Krispy Kreme donuts….

He may even appear at a distance to be 1978 Buick LeSabre….
that smells like old feet, pancakes and shame…..

And of course his most diabolical disguise to date…
Dressed as “Shamu” and wearing an “I (Heart) Peyton Manning” T-shirt

EDITORS NOTE: Please consider this public service announcement….
as fulfilling the conditions of my community service.

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Although Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator successfully predicted MO’s Tigers upset of the Oklahoma Sooners, I did however miss a number of other games by a light year or two, and I blame that on the full moon and a lack of bourbon.
That being said…..
Last week I was a “Less than Spectacular” 37 and 13 or 74%
And after eight weeks into the college football season I am 372 and 82 or 82%.

Not too bad all things considered…

EDITORS NOTE: But before you ask….
No I do not want to talk about my beloved Texas Longhorns..

BRIEF COMMENTARY ON THE TENNESSEE VOLUNTEERS

Many of you have asked why I haven’t said more about the troubles in Obknoxville or why I haven’t commented on the Alabama Crimson Tide victory last Saturday.
So let me say this….
I don’t believe in kicking anyone or any program when they are down….

This despite what “coach” Phil Fulmer and his cronies attempted to do to the University of Alabama a number of years ago when he was playing a white trash version of Inspector Clouseau with his “Secret Witnesses” and his obsession with all things Crimson.

And let me say this about the Third Saturday in October….
Coach Bryant said to “Win without bragging and lose without excuse”

EDITORS NOTE: That’s the way it’s supposed to be….

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“Them folks up north like to make fun of us in the South….
cause they say we take our football too seriously down here.
Well let me tell you something young blood….
We damn sure do take it seriously and you want to know why?
‘Cause everybody up north make fun of us….
They make fun of the way we talk, the way we get along with one another…
our religion, our guns and our way of life. They even make fun of our education….
But them folks need to remember one thing…
They might have more ivy growing on them colleges up north….
But we got more National Championships….
You damn right we take it serious….”

THE PICKS

Thursday October 27th

Florida State at North Carolina State
There is a Halloween “special” going on in Raleigh this week…
It’s a Jimbo size ass whipping…..
JIMBO’S NOLES 38-21

North Alabama at Delta State
The Fighting Okra get fried in Florence on Thursday night….
Believe it….
MIGHTY LIONS 43-17

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note…..
I hope my upcoming book deal will allow me to be a guest on the Okra Winfrey Show

Friday October 28th

West Virginia at Connecticut
The Mountaineers of Morgantown get back to their winning ways this week…
By making taking the Huskies on a run…
MOUNTAINEERS 33-17

Saturday October 29th

Northwestern at Indiana
Hoosier? As in…….
Who’s your daddy?
WILDCATS 31-21

Juniata at John Hopkins
I know what you are thinking…
That Johnny Hopkins boy turned out alright…
He got his own medical school and everything..
Johnny is going to need that medical training this Saturday
Because I heard Juanita got laid off from the Wal-Mart loading dock..
And she has a J-Lo size mean on..
J –LO DOWN 28-14

Miami at Virginia
According to the National Weather Service….
Hurricane season lasts until November 1st….
So there you go…
HURRICANES 34-17

Tennessee at South Carolina
The Vowels in the Rear View Mirror are a lot closer than they may appear…
Believe it….
GAMECOCKS 24-20

Virginia Military Academy at Army
This game won’t feature the best football played this Saturday afternoon…
But it will feature some of the very best young men in this country
If seeing the cadets from both military academies march into the stadium….

Doesn’t make your heart beat a little faster…
Doesn’t bring a tear to your eye…
Doesn’t make you proud to live in this country…
Then you probably work in the White House…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 31-17

Purdue at Illinois
This ancient Big Twelve, I mean Eleven…Sorry, I meant Ten Rivalry
Is played each season for something that looks like a miniature Oscar Mayer Wiener Mobile…
Not that it matters…
Halloween is right around the corner..
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-17

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note….
I heard Kenny Chesney used to drive the Wiener mobile….
How appropriate…

Louisville at Pittsburgh
This Big East rivalry between the river towns is always heated…
and this year I am calling for a “not so upset special”
STRONGS CARDINALS 28-24

Syracuse at Cincinnati
The fact that the Orange beat the West Virginia Mountaineers last week at home is..
One of the first signs of the coming apocalypse…..
It’s in the Bible in the Book of Bryant
KATS of BEAR 24-21

UAB at Southern Miss
The Blazers will get torched in beautiful Hattiesburg…
I can almost smell the BBQ smoking from here…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-20

Northern Illinois at Western Michigan
Between the “northern” and the “western” in this game..
I feel like I am reading a Rand McNally Atlas
BRONCOS 31-28

Oklahoma State at Kansas State
I have a feeling the Prairie Wind will be touching the Wildcat’s in the naughty place on Saturday
COWBOY UP! 38-28

Clemson at Boston College
This Atlantic Coast Conference rivalry is played for the O’Rourke- McFadden Trophy
I’m not sure what that actually is….
But I think it looks like a stuffed version of the little guy from Fantasy Island.
Then why don’t they just call it the “Herve Villechaize Trophy”
I’m just asking
DABOS TIGERS 34-17

Akron at Temple
This game features Zippers and Owls…..
Which if you ask me….
Sounds like something dirty is going on down at the barn….
ZIPPERS 33-31

Utica College at Ithaca
If Lou Holtz says the names of these two colleges quickly….
He will form a tsunami of spit…..
It’s a scientific fact
CA’ TSUNAMI 21-17

Marist at Campbell
I still can’t get over Campbell having “Gaylord the Camel” as a mascot….
Not that it matters…
That Marist is a real Fox…
RED FOX 43-10

Citadel at Wofford
This Battle in the Palmetto State….
Is between the school of Chewbacca and the boys from the Military School of South Carolina
I will go with the boys in uniform…
BULLDOGS 31-28

Elon at Chattanooga
The little Cuban boy is going to get a beat down at the home of..
the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum and Wall of Remembrance and Gift Shop.
I hope they have time to take the tour before they leave town.
MIGHTY MOCS 38-24

Samford at Georgia Southern
Is it just me….
Or does every time you hear about “Samford” you think about Fred and Lamount?
It’s just me? Never mind then…
EAGLES 34-17

Ball State at Kent State
When I read that Ball State was playing the Golden Flashes…
I thought…..
That sounds like a party at Elton John’s house…
FLASHERS 33-31

Louisiana Lafayette at Ohio
U La La gets mauled by Franks Cats…
Believe it…
FRANKS BOBCATS 31-17

Ursinus at Moravian
I wonder…..
Is this game an indication that a Moron has a urinary infection?
I know, sometimes I wonder too much…
MORONS 21-17

Kansas at Iowa State
This game begs the question…
Whatever happened to the fat kid from “What’s Happening?”
I’m just asking…
CYCLONES 33-17

San Diego State at Wyoming
I know it sounds hard to believe…
But I think the boys from Laramie are going to win one…
I’m serious, stop laughing…
COWBOYS! 28-24

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering..
Yes, that would most definitely be an upset special…

Tulsa at Notre Dame
The Golden Hurricanes and the Golden Gnomes..
Sounds like a pair of kids video games for sale at Toys R Us…..
FIGHTING IRISH 38-24

UTEP at Marshall
I know, I know….
My Herd let me down last week against the Pirates..
They won’t this week…
WE ARE MARSHALL 31-28

Montana at Weber State
Now I like the people from Weber State as much as anybody…
I personally have owned a number of their grills and smokers and they do indeed make a fine product.
But the Grizzly Bears have a mauling on their mind……
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 43-21

Georgia at Florida
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”
This one has the potential to be a shocker….
MIGHTY GATORS 28-24

California at Oregon State
Given a choice between Bears and Beavers…
I will take Beavers every time….
It’s how I roll….
MIGHTY BEAVERS 28-17

Michigan State at Iowa
Cinderella will lose a shoe in Corn Country….
Believe it….
EYES of the HAWK 28-24

Duke at Navy
It has been rumored that the Blue Devils are making a switch at quarterback…
Unfortunately they have selected Leonard Nimoy….
Which is highly illogical….
MIDSHIPMEN 38-17

Furman at Appalachian State
Seriously, how many colleges did Chewbacca buy with his Star Wars money?
MOUNTAINEERS 38-17

Carson Newman at Newberry
As a fan of Andy Griffith and the town of Mayberry…
I don’t know much about “Newberry”….
but I think it’s close to Mount Pilot
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-28

Miami (OH) at Buffalo
When I first saw this game on the schedule…
I thought the Boys from Miami were playing Wynonna Judd…
If that were the case, they wouldn’t stand a chance..
MEN of RED 34-20

Texas Tech at Texas A&M
In the words of Forrest Gump….
These two teams are like a box of chocolates…
You never know what you are going to get..
GIG EM AGGIES 24-21

Troy at Louisiana Monroe
Believe it or not….
“Louisiana Monroe” is NOT a distant cousin to “Indiana Jones”
Glad I could clear that up for everybody..
MEN OF TROY 34-28

Bowling Green at Central Michigan
Not that it’s all that important here…
But Detroit smells like wet cat food and old urinal cakes
Just thought you should know…
CHIPPEWAS’ 33-23

Wake Forest at Maryland
Between a fight between the two mascots…..
Jimmy Swaggart as the Demon Deacon and the Turtle man as the Fighting Terrapin
Although Jimmy does a better crying and begging routine…
I have to go with…
TURTLE MEN 31-24

St. Scholastica at MacMurray College
Who was “Saint Scholastica” anyway, somebody that could spell really well?
That sounds totally made up to me…
But it is nice to know that Fred MacMurray has his own college
THE FIGHTING FREDS 24-10

Southern Methodist at Tulane
My Proud Ponies had a tough couple of weeks….
But they will trample the wave of green Saturday
You better believe it…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS34-17

Missouri at Nebraska
We are too close to Halloween to go against the Children of the Corn
And the “Victory Bell” goes too….
MIGHTY CORNHUSKERS 34-31

East Carolina at Central Florida
The Golden Knights will get tarnished before this one is over
PIRATES 38-34

Arizona at UCLA
I would watch this game….
But VH1 is having a “Behind the Music” Special on David Hasselhoff…
I think it’s all in German…
BRUINS 28-24

San Jose State at New Mexico State
The Spartans of San Jose has been pretty consistent all season….
They consistently get their ass whipped…
PISTOL PETE 38-17

Montana State at Idaho State
Anytime I see “Idaho” anything, I don’t think about potatoes..
I remember a girl in High School named Ida; she had a questionable reputation
BOBCATS 43-24

Auburn at Ole Miss
This game is going to be uglier than pajama night at Neverland Ranch..
WAR DAMN EAGLE 141-3

EDITORS NOTE: Is it too soon for Michael Jackson jokes?

New Mexico at Colorado State
By the way….
Did they ever bury Michael Jackson or are they still dragging him around on tour?
I’m just asking….
RAM TOUGH 24-21

Vanderbilt at Arkansas
The Commodores will keep this one close until the third quarter..
Then it’s all….
HAWGS 38-17

Houston at Memphis
Two great BBQ Towns….
I am going with the beef brisket in this one….
COUGARS 33-28

Washington State at Arizona State
I would watch this game…..
But I am coming down with a bad case of Boogie Woogie Flu and Disco Fever
Sorry…
DEVILS of the SUN 97-3

Stanford at Washington
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!
Believe it…
HUSKIES 31-28

Kentucky at Mississippi State
Christopher Walken and I are in complete agreement….
You can never have enough Cowbell
BULLY DOGS 28-24

Click here to view the embedded video.

Baylor at Texas
This is an old Southwest Conference rivalry…
But as a side note to this game: “If” my Longhorns….
Lose this game, I want them to know my liver and spleen will explode…
My intestines will be on your conscience…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 24-21

Utah at Air Force
I don’t think you can fit Two Utes in the cockpit of an F-16 Falcon..
Even if it’s the “B” version….
It’s a little tight in there
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-28

Michigan at Penn State
This Rivalry in the North is played for one of the most coveted of all trophy’s.
“The Bejeweled Rolled Loaf of Head Cheese”
You got to hand it to those Yankees….
If there is something that smells bad, they will make a trophy out of it…
JOE PA’S LIONS 31-28

Ohio State at Minnesota
I will keep this simple for the two Golden Gopher fans who read my weekly article
You are going to get your ass whipped on Saturday
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 49-10

Oregon at Southern California
This game is like trying to pick a winner in a war between Iran and Syria
Can’t they both lose?
QUACKERS 54-38

Colorado at Oklahoma
The Buffalos have the same chance of winning this game….
As Hillary Clinton does of being a Hooters Girl….
BOOMER SOONERS 44-17

Utah State at Nevada
This will be the best televised college football game..
On ESPN 3 at 0300 Sunday Morning….
PACK of WOLVES 43-17

Texas Christian at UNLV
Just for the record and for those folks reading this in Tennessee…
“UNLV” does not stand for….
United Norwegian Loquacious Vegans
HORNED FROGS 44-10

Idaho at Hawaii
The folks from Famous Potatoes should really do something about their mascot…
He looks like a convicted child molester out on parole…
I bet Dog the Bounty Hunter would catch him if he was…
That’s all I’m saying….
And in case you were wondering….
Dog the Bounty Hunter can be seen on the A&E Network on Wednesday nights
Check your local stations for times..
WARRIORS bounty hunting on RAINBOWS 33-28

Next Week…..
We will return to a normal format with Hootie Snitch providing “commentary” on Tennessee Volunteer Football and an update on his celebrity golf tournament to help his mother with hoof and mouth disease. (You read that correctly)

As well as catching up on Email Questions from by beloved readers…

Have a great Weekend…

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s the day after Christmas and all through the house……
Hardly a creature is stirring
Not even Aunt Edna and her irritable bowel syndrome

But that doesn’t matter and you really shouldn’t care

Because Uncle Todd is sleeping off his Christmas bender with sweet potato casserole
Still stuck in his hair.

Have no doubt and have no fear…..

For your reading pleasure the second installment of the Bowl games
To include the game in Atlanta with the Volunteers

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas

Enjoy!

THE BOWL GAMES PART II

Saturday December 26th

THE EMERALD NUT BOWL
San Francisco California
Boston College and Southern California
Since this game is in San Francisco…..
Wouldn’t be more appropriate to call it….
The “If you drop your wallet you better kick it to Sacramento before you pick it up Bowl”?
Just wondering….
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 33-31

MEINEKE CAR CARE BOWL
Charlotte North Carolina
North Carolina and Pittsburg
The winner of this game gets a trophy that looks eerily similar to a car muffler.
Coincidence? I think not…..
TAR HEELS 24-21

LITTLE CAESARS BOWL
Detroit Michigan
Ohio and Marshall
I appreciate the fine folks from Caesars Pizza sponsoring this Bowl game…
But this game is in Detroit…
So shouldn’t this game be sponsored by..
A Bullet Proof Vest Company and a Bail Bonds Association?
I’m just saying….
COACH FRANK’S CATS 34-24

Sunday December 27th

GAYLORD HOTELS MUSIC CITY BOWL
Nashville Tennessee
Kentucky and Clemson
Anybody with the name “Gaylord” didn’t go to public school
You can count on that….
DABO’S TIGERS 34-28

Monday December 28th

INDEPENDENCE BOWL
Shreveport Louisiana
Texas A&M and Georgia
I liked this Bowl game a lot better……
When it was called the Weed Eater Independence Bowl
But that’s just me…
I’m Old Fashioned
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS 31-17

Tuesday December 29th

EAGLE BANK BOWL
Washington D.C.
UCLA and Temple
Ah the “Nations Capitol”….
I would feel more comfortable with this game, considering the location…
If it was called the “Marion Berry Crack Pipe Bowl”
My second choice for the name of the Bowl game would be…
“Taxing the Working Class like it’s Cool Bowl”
You get the idea…
BRUINS 28-24

CHAMPS SPORTS BOWL
Orlando Florida
Miami (FL) and Wisconsin
Have you ever seen cheese that’s been left out in the Florida sun?
I am not talking about how it smells here people…
I know your Uncle Todd has been at your house for over a week and my description above is EXACTLY the aroma (if you want to call it that)
Which is currently drifting out of your front closet due to his “favorite shoes”
I am talking about cheese melting….
The Wisconsin Cheese Heads will melt in Orlando……
Believe it…
HURRICANES 38-17

Wednesday December 30th

PACIFIC LIFE HOLIDAY BOWL
San Diego Florida
Nebraska and Arizona
“Pacific Life?”
Don’t they mean…..
“The Media Whores Bowl”
I’m just asking….
CHILDREN OF THE CORN HUSKERS 31-17

ROADY’S HUMANITARIAN BOWL
Boise Idaho
Idaho and Bowling Green
I never knew “Roady” was a Humanitarian?
All these years I thought he just placed speakers and microphones for Lynyrd Skynyrd
Who Knew?
VANDALS 24-17

Thursday December 31st

TEXAS BOWL
Houston Texas
Missouri and Navy
Honestly….
You had me at “Texas”
What I wouldn’t give to be in Houston town on New Years Eve…
MO’S TIGERS 38-21

BELL HELICOPTER ARMED FORCES BOWL
Fort Worth Texas
Air Force and Houston
Ah Fort Worth…..Now that is a fine town.
But……
The mighty Falcons have a problem….
They are playing the Cougars…
Yes, it’s just that simple.
COUGARS 38-21

BRUT SUN BOWL
El Paso Texas
Stanford and Oklahoma
I wish this game was still called “The Sun Bowl”
But I don’t have a problem with calling it the “Brut Sun Bowl”
Lee Marvin and Steve McQueen used Brut….
That’s good enough for me…
CARDINAL 31-28

INSIGHT BOWL
Tempe Arizona
Minnesota and Iowa State
The “Insight” Bowl?
I have some “insight” for you….
Neither one of these teams could beat Hover High School in Alabama
CYCLONES 17-10

CHICK-FIL-A BOWL
Atlanta Georgia
Virginia Tech and Tennessee
As far as I am concerned this is still the Peach Bowl….
But that aside
The Big Chicken Sandwich goes to……
VOWELS 31-24

You will have “another” Bowl Edition out Sunday evening….
It will “Highlight” the Lesser Bowl games of the week….

And the remainder of your Big College Bowl games will be out later in the week….

Before I leave you today…..

How about those Mighty SMU Mustangs!

RTR
MEB

Not that we aren’t thankful, nothing could be further from the truth….

This isn’t about being “Thankful”….
It’s about your “Rival”….
It’s about bragging rights
This is “Us” verses “Them”

It’s the “Lone Star Showdown”
The “Backyard Brawl”
The Border War
The Battle for the Palmetto State
The Battle of the Beehive and Golden Boot
The Egg Bowl
Bedlam and its coveted Bell
It’s about the Commonwealth, Apple and Governor’s Cups
It is about Clean Old Fashioned Hate….
It is The Iron Bowl

These clashes will be told and retold for generations
And the Legends of the fall that come from such games live forever.

Let’s take a look at a few of the games we have in store this week…..

THE LONE STAR SHOWDOWN

Texas Longhorns – Texas A&M Aggies

The Name alone says it all….
It’s “Gig Em Aggies!” verses “Hook Em Horns!”
These two fine University’s students, fans and alumni hate each other with a passion.

Case in point, a few years ago Texas A&M produced their fall catalog of classes and otherwise promoting the university
and all it’s fine accomplishments as well as to encourage prospective students to attend the university in College Station Texas.
On the cover of the fall catalog was a collage of pictures of campus life at Texas A&M, from students studying outside, walking to class, football games at Kyle Field, two students with goggles studying in the chemistry lab, but one picture on the cover was “different”.
In one picture a young lady in the Aggie Marching Band was playing the flute.
She had her hands in such a way while playing a particular note on the instrument
that it appeared she was making the “Hook Em Horns” sign.

Please see the example of the proper “Hook Em Horns” sign below delivered by my buddy Matthew McConaughey.

This incensed the Aggie Alumni and they demanded the Catalogs, which had already been distributed by the way,
be recalled and a “new” edition reprinted without the accursed picture on it.

Cost to print and distribute Fall Catalogs: 1.3 Million Dollars
Coast to recall the catalogs, reprint and redistribute Fall Catalogs: 5.6 Million Dollars
The enjoyment Longhorn Fans had from this fiasco: Priceless

Enjoy the short video that has nothing to do with the above story,
but is further evidence of the hate and discontent the Aggies have……
for the Mighty Longhorns from the University of Texas at Austin.

Click here to view the embedded video.

THE BORDER WAR

Missouri Tigers – Kansas Jayhawks

These two states have hated each other since Bill Quantrill burned Lawrence Kansas to the ground…
and even before that, there were hard feelings and hate.

The feelings are mutual and have festered over the years.

I know a number of Missourians who will correct me when I ask them…
“Isn’t Kansas the Sunflower State?”
They will politely tell me there are “Three kinds of Sun’s in Kansas”
Sunshine
Sunflowers
And
Sons of…you can figure out the rest of that on your own.

THE BACKYARD BRAWL

Pittsburg Panthers – West Virginia Mountaineers

This rivalry isn’t as intense as it once was….
But it is still filled with disgruntled fans from what was once “Steel Town” all the way
to the beautiful mountains of West “By God” Virginia.

Not only is this a rivalry for the ages in this particular part of the country, but as a side note,
You have to respect anybody like the Mountaineer faithful
who are willing to burn their “own” couch in their front yard after a win over a hated foe.

THE EGG BOWL

Mississippi State Bulldogs – Ole Miss Rebels

If you are looking for hate, passion and discontent that has no expiration date then look no further than the “Egg Bowl”.

In the Great State of Mississippi with poultry the current king of agriculture….
the Egg Bowl takes center stage this weekend and the rivalry has never been more intense, if that’s possible.

There will be harsh words, fights and more fights…….
and that’s just in the parking lot before the game. Make no mistake, this game is intense and emotions are raw.

BATTLE FOR THE GOLDEN BOOT

LSU Tigers – Arkansas Razorbacks

These two states, schools, fans, and alumni hate each other, period.
They have been playing for the four foot “Golden Boot” Trophy since 1901
But trophy or no trophy, they just hate each other.
Case in point, two years ago when the LSU Tigers won the 2007 National Championship……
there was a popular bumper sticker seen throughout Arkansas that I thoroughly enjoyed.
It read…..

ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS 50
National Champion LSU Tigers 48

Priceless……

THE APPLE CUP

Washington Huskies – Washington State Cougars

I know this is “Big” deal in the State of Washington….
But let me clue you all on in a little secret…..
If your rivalry game has either a fruit or flower in the name
Then it’s not that big a deal outside your own state…
Sorry..

SUNSHINE STATE SHOWDOWN FOR THE GOVERNORS CUP

Florida Gators – Florida State Seminoles

I know, I know….
This is a relatively new rivalry as rivalries go; it began in 1958, when Coach Bobby was only 61 years “young”.
But this game is no less intense than older more established rivalries.
The Gator Nation hates the Seminole Nation and all they stand for and vice versa.

There have been some of the finest college football players to ever lace the cleats to play in this rivalry.
But I think this game can be summed up best by Coach Bobby himself when he said recently….
“You know when Ponce de Leon showed me the fountain of youth he told me watch out for Gators.”

How true, how true….

THE COMMONWEALTH CUP

Virginia Tech Hokies – Virginia Cavaliers

This fierce rivalry in the Old Dominion would mean more to me……
If I could remember the last time the Cavaliers won, but I can’t.

So it doesn’t it.

THE BEDLAM GAME

Oklahoma Sooners – Oklahoma State Cowboys

These two teams were playing each other before Oklahoma was even a state.
It’s Stillwater and the Cowboys verses the mighty Sooners of Norman.
They despise each other with a passion that can only instate rivals can appreciate.
They have accused each other of various dirty tricks over the years……..
From giving tainted food with laxatives to Sooner players to slow them down..(I’m serious….)
To wetting the field to slow down the likes of Barry Sanders….(I’m really serious…)
Throw the records out the window in this one; it’s always a battle for the ages.

CLEAN OLD FASHIONED HATE

Georgia Bulldogs – Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

There are few games that garner more hard feelings than this game between these two bitter instate rivals…..
hence the name of the game, in case you missed it.
The fans of the respective schools can’t agree on anything and disagree about everything.
They can’t even agree on how many times they have played the series.
But suffice to say this war has been going on since 1893, that’s right I said 1893.

This rivalry can best be summed up by the beloved Southern writer and University of Georgia Graduate Lewis Grizzard…
When reporting for the Atlanta Journal Constitution; Lewis left his entire column empty……
The day after the Yellow Jackets defeated his Bulldogs. One whole section in the Paper, blank.

The hard feelings in this one last forever…

BATTLE OF THE PALMETTO STATE

Clemson Tigers – South Carolina Gamecocks

You want a long standing rivalry?
This one has been going off and on since the 1880’s….
But the game itself is the longest standing uninterrupted series in the South.

There have been brawls, fights and riots since this series began
and it’s no less intense now with Coach Steve at the helm of the Gamecocks and Coach Sweeny with the Tigers.

This is one of those rivalries that transcend time and space.
No matter where you go in the world if you are a Gamecock or a Tiger
you carry this feeling with you going into this week, that cannot be defined or described.
It’s about beating “Them”, and being able to enjoy that win for the next year.

That my friends; is what a rivalry is all about.

THE IRON BOWL

Alabama Crimson Tide – Auburn Tigers

In the immortal words of Keith Jackson the voice of college football now and forever.

“There are rivalries and there are rivalries and then there is Alabama and Auburn”

This kind of Hate deserves its own section; The Iron Bowl edition will be out tomorrow.

So Stay tuned…
There is more hate and discontent to come..
Your Thanksgiving Edition of the Picks will be out soon….

RTR
MEB

You didn’t think I was going to leave you yesterday….
Without recapping the games of the week and answering your emails did you?

I thought we knew one another better than that…..

I would never disappoint by beloved readers
(Or hardly ever…)

But enough about that….
We have a lot of games to discuss…..
So let’s get to it, shall we?

Coach Pete, are you with me?

TEAM NEWS

GRAMBLING: Coach Rob would have been proud, Congratulations.

STANFORD: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

NOTRE DAME: See above, but not said in “a good way”

EDITORS NOTE: If you Irish fans think you will be getting Urban Myer out of Gainesville…
Think again. You couldn’t pry him out of Florida with a bucket of poop and a mop.

TENNESSEE: Never thought I would see the day…..
When a Tennessee Football Player would be dismissed from the team, much less three players.
I am speechless.

COLORADO: Just because my sister-in-law doesn’t run onto the field with the football team (anymore)
Is no reason to go in the tank at the end of the season.

MINNESOTA: Congratulations O’ So very Golden Gophers!
You needed a last minute field goal to beat the University of South Dakota State Technology Academy of Hair and Nail Design.
And you actually wonder why I make fun of you?

GEORGIA TECH: Congratulations Yellow Jackets on going to the ACC Championship.
You damn sure deserve it….

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: In the words of Maxwell Smart…
I missed the “Upset Special”
“By that much…..”

MISSOURI: In the name of Jesse James I will never doubt the Missouri Tigers again.

ALABAMA: Roll Tide Roll……

NCAA: If you are wondering “who” the next President of the NCAA will be….
I have in my possession a copy of the “Want Add” the NCAA posted recently for the lofty position.
“Wanted: Self absorbed holier than thou Dictator and tyrant with an inherent loathing of the southern states and all things southern, to include Texas and Oklahoma.
Must worship Satan and the University of Southern California, and routinely turn your blind and or prosthetic eye from said University and Pete Carroll, as well as Notre Dame, Michigan and all other Big Eleven, I mean “Ten” schools.
Must have experience crushing university traditions and changing their mascots, as well as catering to low life organizations such as the NAACP and those shady groups associated with Jesse “Shake Em Down” Jackson and Al “Tawana Brawley” Sharpton.
Also, must like the “New Kids on the Block” and “Sponge Bob Square Pants”.

MICHIGAN: SOooooooooooo How’s that “new” coach working out for you?

CHATTANOOGA: GREAT comeback win over the Citadel! GO MOCCASINS!

NORTH CAROLINA: Now I know why no Hurricanes ever hit the Carolina coast…
The Tar Hells beat them down, Great win…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I understand Coach Pete and the “mighty” Trojans have a very good reason for their latest loss to Stanford…..
It was reported that the Trojan football team was suffering from a drug problem during the game this past Saturday.
The reason I can say that is because…
It looked like the Trojans got drugged up and down the damn field by Stanford…

EDITORS NOTE: Before you ask….
“No” this never gets old for me…

GEORGIA: If you wonder why I picked the Bulldogs over Auburn, it was simple..
The Dawgs have Rambo on the team, enough said.
Glad you are doing better Rambo, you had us all scared there for a minute.

OREGON STATE: I have said it before and I will say it again….
I am all about the Beavers

EDITORS NOTE: The above comment was in no way intended as a sexual reference.
I just happen to be a Beaver fan, O.K.?

TEXAS A&M: In case you all have forgotten, let me help you out with this one.
How do you spell “defense” in Aggie Land?
“FIRE MIKE SHERMAN”

OHIO STATE: Congratulations on a trip to the Rose Bowl and a share of the conference title.
But if you have to play Stanford, the Buckeyes better be ready…..

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Mister Wizard –
I am sorry I am new to your website and I haven’t been able to keep up with the PAC 10 conference this year, so I have to ask you: After this past Saturday’s debacle…..
How many losses do the Southern California Trojans have so far this year?
Rachel – Omaha, Nebraska

A: Tree

Q: Sir,
I don’t know if you’re familiar with me or my work, but I’m world famous game show creator Chuck Woolery.
After reading of the troubles at many schools in regards to recruiting violations, I came up with a brilliant concept for a new game show.
Think recruiting!
Think Reggie Bush!
Think Pete Carroll!
The concept is this: You have a guy like Pete Carroll pursuing a highly prized, yet vastly overrated, recruit (who is actually the contestant) sort of like Reggie Bush.
The contestant has fabulous prizes, like a house in San Diego, lavished upon him as well as travel to exotic and luxurious locations.
At the end of the show we tally the net worth and send it to the NCAA who, as we all know, will do nothing!!!
What do you think? Is this a great concept or what?
Chuck – Los Angeles, California

A: Love your work Chuck, but it’s already been done….
It’s called “The NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans”
Sorry….

Q: Mike, now that Myles Brand is dead,
why hasn’t the NCAA moved out with their “investigation” on Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?
Thanks!
Jeff – Fort Payne, Alabama

A: The “secret” to the NCAA’s amnesia on the “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the “mighty” Southern California Trojans can be found in Myles Brand’s Will.
Which your favorite college football prognosticator has a copy of, because nothing is too good for my beloved readers.
It reads as such:
“….And should the University of Southern California Trojans, coached by my prodigal son Peter Carroll, lose 3 or more games in the 2009 season AND/OR fall out of the Bowl Championship Series competition for the National Championship, I do hereby direct the Investigative committee of the National Collegiate Athletic Association to complete their inquiries and investigation into the sordid Reggie Bush affair. It has been my goal to keep the “anointed one” in position to keep his team in a lofty position for continued success. If he can’t succeed with this assistance then he shall feel the wrath of the U$C boosters, alumni, and myself from the grave. Afterwards, I do hereby bequeath all perks to Notre Dame. God knows, they need all the help they can get. ”

Q: So, the NCAA attacks Florida State because of its mascot, gives Ole Miss a bunch of crap because of its rebel flag and the last verse of their fight song.
When do they make Oregon and Oregon State change the name of their rivalry game, the “Civil War?”
Oh, wait, they’re not from the South
Jake – Vicksburg, Mississippi

A: Jake, it’s like they say at the nursing home when somebody hits the numbers…
“Bingo!”

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
You never really talk about yourself, so I have to ask…
What are the ingredients for the “perfect” weekend for you?
Barbara – Beaumont, Texas

A: Funny you should ask Barbara….
I had what could be described as a “perfect” weekend this past Saturday
Tennessee and Auburn lost, the Trojans got trampled and Alabama and Texas won.
It really doesn’t much better than that where I am….

Your Week 12 Picks will be out on Thursday…..
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB