You didn’t think I was going to leave you yesterday….
Without recapping the games of the week and answering your emails did you?

I thought we knew one another better than that…..

I would never disappoint by beloved readers
(Or hardly ever…)

But enough about that….
We have a lot of games to discuss…..
So let’s get to it, shall we?

Coach Pete, are you with me?

TEAM NEWS

GRAMBLING: Coach Rob would have been proud, Congratulations.

STANFORD: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

NOTRE DAME: See above, but not said in “a good way”

EDITORS NOTE: If you Irish fans think you will be getting Urban Myer out of Gainesville…
Think again. You couldn’t pry him out of Florida with a bucket of poop and a mop.

TENNESSEE: Never thought I would see the day…..
When a Tennessee Football Player would be dismissed from the team, much less three players.
I am speechless.

COLORADO: Just because my sister-in-law doesn’t run onto the field with the football team (anymore)
Is no reason to go in the tank at the end of the season.

MINNESOTA: Congratulations O’ So very Golden Gophers!
You needed a last minute field goal to beat the University of South Dakota State Technology Academy of Hair and Nail Design.
And you actually wonder why I make fun of you?

GEORGIA TECH: Congratulations Yellow Jackets on going to the ACC Championship.
You damn sure deserve it….

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: In the words of Maxwell Smart…
I missed the “Upset Special”
“By that much…..”

MISSOURI: In the name of Jesse James I will never doubt the Missouri Tigers again.

ALABAMA: Roll Tide Roll……

NCAA: If you are wondering “who” the next President of the NCAA will be….
I have in my possession a copy of the “Want Add” the NCAA posted recently for the lofty position.
“Wanted: Self absorbed holier than thou Dictator and tyrant with an inherent loathing of the southern states and all things southern, to include Texas and Oklahoma.
Must worship Satan and the University of Southern California, and routinely turn your blind and or prosthetic eye from said University and Pete Carroll, as well as Notre Dame, Michigan and all other Big Eleven, I mean “Ten” schools.
Must have experience crushing university traditions and changing their mascots, as well as catering to low life organizations such as the NAACP and those shady groups associated with Jesse “Shake Em Down” Jackson and Al “Tawana Brawley” Sharpton.
Also, must like the “New Kids on the Block” and “Sponge Bob Square Pants”.

MICHIGAN: SOooooooooooo How’s that “new” coach working out for you?

CHATTANOOGA: GREAT comeback win over the Citadel! GO MOCCASINS!

NORTH CAROLINA: Now I know why no Hurricanes ever hit the Carolina coast…
The Tar Hells beat them down, Great win…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I understand Coach Pete and the “mighty” Trojans have a very good reason for their latest loss to Stanford…..
It was reported that the Trojan football team was suffering from a drug problem during the game this past Saturday.
The reason I can say that is because…
It looked like the Trojans got drugged up and down the damn field by Stanford…

EDITORS NOTE: Before you ask….
“No” this never gets old for me…

GEORGIA: If you wonder why I picked the Bulldogs over Auburn, it was simple..
The Dawgs have Rambo on the team, enough said.
Glad you are doing better Rambo, you had us all scared there for a minute.

OREGON STATE: I have said it before and I will say it again….
I am all about the Beavers

EDITORS NOTE: The above comment was in no way intended as a sexual reference.
I just happen to be a Beaver fan, O.K.?

TEXAS A&M: In case you all have forgotten, let me help you out with this one.
How do you spell “defense” in Aggie Land?
“FIRE MIKE SHERMAN”

OHIO STATE: Congratulations on a trip to the Rose Bowl and a share of the conference title.
But if you have to play Stanford, the Buckeyes better be ready…..

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Mister Wizard –
I am sorry I am new to your website and I haven’t been able to keep up with the PAC 10 conference this year, so I have to ask you: After this past Saturday’s debacle…..
How many losses do the Southern California Trojans have so far this year?
Rachel – Omaha, Nebraska

A: Tree

Q: Sir,
I don’t know if you’re familiar with me or my work, but I’m world famous game show creator Chuck Woolery.
After reading of the troubles at many schools in regards to recruiting violations, I came up with a brilliant concept for a new game show.
Think recruiting!
Think Reggie Bush!
Think Pete Carroll!
The concept is this: You have a guy like Pete Carroll pursuing a highly prized, yet vastly overrated, recruit (who is actually the contestant) sort of like Reggie Bush.
The contestant has fabulous prizes, like a house in San Diego, lavished upon him as well as travel to exotic and luxurious locations.
At the end of the show we tally the net worth and send it to the NCAA who, as we all know, will do nothing!!!
What do you think? Is this a great concept or what?
Chuck – Los Angeles, California

A: Love your work Chuck, but it’s already been done….
It’s called “The NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans”
Sorry….

Q: Mike, now that Myles Brand is dead,
why hasn’t the NCAA moved out with their “investigation” on Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?
Thanks!
Jeff – Fort Payne, Alabama

A: The “secret” to the NCAA’s amnesia on the “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the “mighty” Southern California Trojans can be found in Myles Brand’s Will.
Which your favorite college football prognosticator has a copy of, because nothing is too good for my beloved readers.
It reads as such:
“….And should the University of Southern California Trojans, coached by my prodigal son Peter Carroll, lose 3 or more games in the 2009 season AND/OR fall out of the Bowl Championship Series competition for the National Championship, I do hereby direct the Investigative committee of the National Collegiate Athletic Association to complete their inquiries and investigation into the sordid Reggie Bush affair. It has been my goal to keep the “anointed one” in position to keep his team in a lofty position for continued success. If he can’t succeed with this assistance then he shall feel the wrath of the U$C boosters, alumni, and myself from the grave. Afterwards, I do hereby bequeath all perks to Notre Dame. God knows, they need all the help they can get. ”

Q: So, the NCAA attacks Florida State because of its mascot, gives Ole Miss a bunch of crap because of its rebel flag and the last verse of their fight song.
When do they make Oregon and Oregon State change the name of their rivalry game, the “Civil War?”
Oh, wait, they’re not from the South
Jake – Vicksburg, Mississippi

A: Jake, it’s like they say at the nursing home when somebody hits the numbers…
“Bingo!”

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
You never really talk about yourself, so I have to ask…
What are the ingredients for the “perfect” weekend for you?
Barbara – Beaumont, Texas

A: Funny you should ask Barbara….
I had what could be described as a “perfect” weekend this past Saturday
Tennessee and Auburn lost, the Trojans got trampled and Alabama and Texas won.
It really doesn’t much better than that where I am….

Your Week 12 Picks will be out on Thursday…..
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

This week we have Battles over Wagon Wheels, Iron Skillets and Slabs of Bacon..

EDITORS NOTE: Not all together…..
Although they make a nice combo if you were out on the range

We have Lions, Tigers, and Bears and Fighting Okra…
Tussling over a variety of Paul Bunyan memorabilia, Mittens and a Victory Bell..
While others duke it out on Tobacco Road for bragging rights.

It’s that time of the year…..
Rivalries are in Season…

If you are keeping count and I know you are…..
Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 44 and 12 or 79%
That leaves us at 204 and 46 of 82% thus far in the season…

Enjoy!

THE GAMES

Wednesday September 30th

Hawaii at Louisiana Tech
I feel really confident about this pick…
Call it “Prognosticators Intuition”….
BULLDOGS 27-6

Thursday October 1st

Colorado at West Virginia
What I wouldn’t give to have a second hand furniture store in Morgantown…
I would have more money than Ernest Tubb in a few years.
Light those couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 24-20

Valdosta State at Delta State
Who doesn’t love a Fighting Okra?
My point exactly…
FIGHTN’ OKRA 27-23

Friday October 2nd

Pittsburgh at Louisville
Papa John Stadium is a mighty tough place to play in when the sun goes down
Johnny, this one is for you…
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!
CARDINALS 24-21

Utah State at Brigham Young
This particular game is played for the “Old Wagon Wheel”
But is only part of the bigger prize known as the Battle for the Beehive Boot
But I have question..
Wouldn’t that hurt if you put your foot in a boot full of bees?
Just wondering…
COUGARS 38-17

Saturday October 3rd

Alabama at Kentucky
In the immortal words of Steely Dan in Deacon Blues…
“They have a name for the winners in the world…
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide”
CRIMSON TIDE 31-17

EDITORS NOTE: I am sure they were referring to football in this particular song…
Because if it was basketball, then they would have mentioned Kentucky

Arkansas Tech at North Alabama
I can hear the Lion’s Roaring from here…
MIGHTY LIONS 38-10

Ole Miss at Vanderbilt
Sometimes I feel like a Nutt….
And this would be one of those times…
REBELS 24-21

Georgia Southern at Wofford
It doesn’t matter who Coach’s there…
The boys from Statesboro will always be….
ERK’S EAGLES 31-14

Penn State at Illinois
I made a key error in my Picks last week…
Last week I stated:
“I have on good authority that Joe Pa intends to harness the power of the sun
through his reading glasses and roast the Hawkeyes”
Little did I know…
The game was at night and Joe Pa did not have the Solar Panel 2500 mounted to his reading glasses.
That was my mistake….
There will be no such oversight this week…
Roast the Fighting Pumpkins Joe Pa!
JOE PA’S LIONS

LSU at Georgia
This game will be a shoot out from start to finish…
Hold on to your seats boys and girls
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-28

Oklahoma at Miami
Since Utah is off this weekend..
I am under artistic obligation to state the following concerning this particular game…
I hope the two Ute’s that drive the Boomer Sooner wagon are careful this Saturday
Because they will be driving it around the stadium all afternoon
BOOMER SOONER 38-14

Austin Peay at Tennessee Tech
I don’t care that Austin peed all by himself!
Why name a college after something like that?
What’s next, Urinal Cake State?
This is disgusting
PEABODY 28-10

Virginia Tech at Duke
This game will be like pistol whipping a blind kid…
HOKIES 43-3

Georgia Tech at Mississippi State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!
More Cow Bell!!!!!
Believe it Bully!
BULLDOGS 24-20

Virginia at North Carolina
This game is known as the “South’s Oldest Rivalry”
The contest between the two schools dates back to 1892
Who doesn’t love a grudge that has festered for over a hundred years?
TAR HEELS 23-17

Michigan at Michigan State
This semi-bitter instate rivalry is entitled…
“The Battle for the Mitten”

EDITORS NOTE: No, I didn’t make that up

With the “Winner” walking away with the “Paul Bunyan Trophy”
Not sure if the trophy includes Paul’s big blue ox “Babe”
I will continue to monitor the situation as it develops
WOLVERINES 33-24

EDITORS NOTE: There is no truth to the rumor…
This trophy was being replaced by a clay replica of Coach Rod’s Wife.
It is my understanding that the proposed “Skank Witch” Trophy
was deemed “inappropriate” by the Big Ten.
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding

Texas A&M at Arkansas
This rivalry that began in 1903 was once known as the “Southwest Classic”
Now it has been reduced to an “out of conference game” for both teams
That makes me sad…
RAZORBACKS 24-21

Oregon State at Arizona State
This game is between the Sun Devils and the Beavers in the Valley of the Sun
This reminds me of a joke….
So stop me if you’ve heard this one…
These two Ute’s walk into a bar and setting there is the Devil and a Beaver…
And the One Ute says, “Hey, now that’s a nice Beaver…”
Never mind this going to get ugly…
SUN DEVILS 24-20

UCLA at Stanford
I would rather…..
Listen to Leonard Nimoy sing Led Zeppelin’s Greatest Hits than watch this game.
BRUINS 28-24

EDITORS NOTES: Just thinking about that made my ears bleed

Juniata at McDaniel College
Ole Danny Mac better have his head on a swivel..
I hear Juanita is in a foul mood…
JUANITA 33-17

Florida State at Boston College
I have no idea which one of these teams is going to show up
My Guess?
SEMI-NOLES 24-17

Clemson at Maryland
The rules here are simple….
A Tiger can beat a turtle…
I have seen enough of the Animal Planet to know that much…
DABO’S TIGERS 23-14

Wisconsin at Minnesota
This game is played annually for the coveted..
“Paul Bunyan’s Ax” and “a Slab of Bacon”….
I don’t know what the deal is this week about all the Paul Bunyan references
Unless it’s his birthday?
Not really sure how the tasty pork product fits into this equation…
Never mind….
O’ SO GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-21

Susquehanna at Merchant Marine Academy
It doesn’t surprise me that Susie decided to play the Merchant Marines
She always did love a man in uniform….
MARINERS 34-28

North Carolina State at Wake Forest
This War on Tobacco Road has been going on forever…
I bet the argument started over liquor…
Don’t they all?
WOLFPACK 23-17

Arkansas State at Iowa
I don’t know if you’ve seen the Iowa mascot…
“Herky the Hawkeye”?
That things head is almost as big as Wynonna Judd’s
Notice I said “almost”
HAWKEYES 38-10

Washington State at Oregon
This game is played for a trophy that looks eerily similar to Oprah Winfrey’s ass.
Not really I just made that up…
But that would be funny as hell wouldn’t it?
QUACKERS 33-10

South Carolina State at South Carolina
This game is going to get crazy ugly….
GAMECOCKS 53-10

Auburn at Tennessee
This story has very little to do with the game….
But it is simply too good not too share…
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice…
So he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said…
“You graduated from the University of Tennessee right?
I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000 dollars minus 11%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment…
Then replied, “Everything but my earrings..”
WAR DAMN EAGLES 31-17

South Florida at Syracuse
Otto the Orange gets the juice squeezed out of him Saturday…
Believe it…
NO BULL 38-7

Carson Newman at Mars Hill
Thank goodness Coach Spark’s boys are playing Mars Hill this weekend…
If they were playing Uranus Tech…
I could take up the entire column with off color jokes and inappropriate antidotes.
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-21

East Carolina at Marshall
This game has a lot of meaning for many of us….…
The Pirates were the last team the Thundering Herd played on 14 November 1970
Before the plane crash claimed the lives of the son’s of Marshall University.
I won’t forget it, and neither should you.
Whatever game you watch this weekend…
When you see the score ticker run across the bottom of your television screen..
Pull for those current son’s of Marshall….
You will feel better for it, I promise
WE ARE MARSHALL 28-24

Tulane at Army
Every time I hear “Green Wave” I think about a leaky septic tank…
BLACK KNIGHTS 24-21

Hope at Trine
This first thing I thought was….
“I Hope I have Trine to make it to Homecoming this year…”
HOPE 24-10

Northwestern at Purdue
Frankly I am surprised…
We have another Big Ten game without any mention of Paul Bunyan
BOILERMAKERS 31-28

Cincinnati at Miami (OH)
The “Victory Bell” is at stake in this contest….
As opposed to the “Horribly Embarrassing Defeat Bell”
Nobody really wants that one…
BEARKATS 34-17

Ohio Northern at Muskingum
I cannot believe they named a college after a gum disease
I guess it’s still better than Halitosis Tech
Never mind…
POLAR BEARS 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note….
If you think I have been wrong all these years about Yankees…
Living ten miles from the Arctic Circle, then why would they name their team the “Polar Bears”?
Coincidence? I think not…

Kansas State at Iowa State
I have a safety tip for you…
If you hear David Hasselhoff scream “Awesome!”
Three times in a row in quick succession your head will explode.
CYCLONES 17-10

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t ask me how I know about the above claim
Just take my word for it…
But I will tell you the test involved a hamster.

Washington at Notre Dame
I don’t have any idea which Dog’s are going to show up
Will it be the Mighty Washington Huskies or the Hollywood Chihuahua’s?
I am guessing this one will be close….
Real close…
FIGHTING IRISH 28-24

Central Michigan at Buffalo
Two things I learned from watching movies about the American West…
One: Many Native Americans used buffalo as a major food source in the Western frontier
Two: John Wayne was a bad ass
I think Number One applies here..
CHIPPEWA’S 38-10

Wisconsin Oshkosh at Wisconsin Lacrosse
One thing I know for certain about this game…
There will be a lot people there that talk funny..
OSHKOSH BY GOSH 24-20

Memphis at Central Florida
This Conference USA battle is taken very seriously…
The Boy’s from Orlando have vowed this week…
To give Memphis the cryogenically frozen body of Walt Disney if they lose to the Tigers…
Well, look at the bright side…
It’s not like they are gambling with the Magic Castle
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 24-21

Air Force at Navy
This game will be a brawl for the Commander in Chief’s Trophy.
These boys will all play until the final whistle blows…
Believe that…
MIDSHIPMEN 33-31

Ohio at Bowling Green
In this Buckeye State Battle I will go with Coach Frank’s Cats
BOBCATS 28-17

Colorado State at Idaho
As I chronicled earlier in the week…
Mr. Potato Head only “has eyes” for that trashy Zelda Zucchini
Thought that up myself…
VANDALS 28-24

Ohio State at Indiana
I don’t know if the Hoosiers would have been better off..
If they would have taken my advice on accepting the sponsorship of a “major” chicken wing franchise
but I do know their cheerleaders would have gotten a lot better looking.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 33-17

Kent State at Baylor
This is for the folks from “Protest U” that may be traveling to the game in Texas
Don’t get Wacko in Waco or you will wind up in Jail ’O
BEARS 43-10

New Mexico at Texas Tech
It’s time for Tech’s Saddle Tramps and High Riders
To get back on that horse and….
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 34-23

Tulsa at Rice
The Tulsa mascot looks like the Elephant man stuck his head in a Hornets nest…
What does that have to do with a Hurricane that is Golden?
I have no idea..
GOLDEN HURRICANES 31-24

Southern California at California
I have a question for those folks from California “The Home of Diversity”
If someone from Ghana married a person from Korea…
Would their children be Gonorrhean’s?
Just wondering…
GOLDEN BEARS 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Hey Coach Pete….
How’s that Dog Bite?

California Davis at Boise State
Cal Davis are known as the “Aggies”
But I like to think of them as another victim of the “Blue Monster”
BRONCO’S 44-10

Southern Methodist at Texas Christian
This is the “Battle for the Metroplex”
The game has been played every year since 1925 for the “Iron Skillet”
In the Dallas – Fort Worth area it doesn’t get any bigger than this on Saturday
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Southern Miss at UAB
I don’t know why the Boy’s from Birmingham have a Dragon as a mascot…..
There aren’t any “dragons” in Birmingham and certainly not in Alabama
But I did have this blind date once in Trussville…
Forget I mentioned it
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-14

New Mexico State at San Diego State
This promises to be the best game on ESPN U at 0200 EST…
Believe it!
AGGIES 20-17

Houston at UTEP
The Big Cats from Cow Town are for Real…
You don’t think so?
They have more conference wins in Conference USA and the Big 12 than any other team
COUGARS 38-17

More next week….
So stay tuned

Enjoy your games ….

RTR
MEB

I’m glad you all enjoyed your first installment of the 2009 College Football Preseason Extravaganza.
But last week’s installment was like Diet Pepsi compared to this week…
Let’s move on to the “real” thing….
And discuss who will win the Conference Championships…

As well as the ultimate prize…
A trip to Pasadena and a shot at the National Championship….

Enjoy….

FAMOUS COACH’S QUOTE
“With the little bits of information that I have, no, I’m not worried about that one bit. I’m more concerned about helping the process and cooperating to make sure that everything comes to the front. I’m confident that’s not where this is going.” …
In an interview on May 2, 2006 with USA Today and the Associated Press, Coach Pete Carroll of U$C talks about the possibility of U$C forfeiting games or being hit with NCAA sanctions.

GREAT COLLEGE FOOTBALL TRADITIONS
As we have discussed in the past….
College football is as much about the pageantry and fan involvement as it is about the game.
With that in mind let’s take a look at some of the lesser known traditions in college football:

INDIANIA UNIVERSITY:
Hoosier fans show up at the stadium “a little while” before the game begins.

RUTGERS:
Just moments prior to each contest, it is traditional for specially selected Scarlet Knight players to participate in the mysterious “coin toss” ritual.

TEXAS A&M:
In a tradition called “yell practice,” the student populace is re-taught how to spell the word “defense” in an exhaustive two-hour pregame ritual.

IOWA:
Hawkeye Fans all wear black or yellow sweatpants.

MICHIGAN STATE:
The entire student body comes down onto the field after every game and runs in circles until they collapse from dizziness.

PRINCETON:
On the morning before each game, hordes of Tiger fans gather together to hold hands and close their eyes tightly and imagine what it must have been like to win the first national championship

STANFORD:
Cardinal fans are too smart to believe they can affect the outcome of the football game, so they don’t do anything. Including attending the game…

MICHIGAN:
A new tradition this year, students, players, and fans will surely be pumped seeing former coach Lloyd Carr’s skull mounted above the home team’s sideline

NOTRE DAME:
As they leave the locker room, players reverently touch a sign reading..
“Act Like A Smug Arrogant Bastard Despite Playing For A Drastically Overrated Team That Isn’t Even in the top Twenty”.

MASCOT NEWS
TENNESSEE

Before we unveil the “new” University of Tennessee dog mascot it is important to do a quick review of the universities current mascots.
In no particular order the University of Tennessee mascots:

Mountain Man: Despite the fact they are neither the “Mountaineers” nor the “Mountain Men” this hasn’t stopped the University from having a student dressed like Fess Parker running along the sidelines with a musket.

Orange: Although the only fruits that are grown in the state of Tennessee are more of the “two-legged” variety and as we all know, the university doesn’t have a nickname after this tasty citrus fruit, hasn’t prevented the University from having a student arrayed in a foam rubber “Orange” costume to delight the crowd on the sidelines of Volunteer football games.

Student (Male) Smokey: Even though the universities athletic teams aren’t called the “Bulldogs”, “Pluto’s” or “Hound Dogs”, the university has a lucky student in a foam rubber costume of a dog leading the crowd in cheers at all the university athletic events.

Student (Female) Smokey: Please see description above…
As an added note: the University was concerned what the perception of having a “single” Foam Rubber “male” dog might look to the alumni and fans so they decided to have a “female” counterpart Foam Rubber Dog costumed mascot to accompany the male.

EDITORS NOTE: The idea to have a “female” dog replaced the first idea of an accompanying mascot…
The First Idea was to neuter the male foam rubber costumed mascot….
I understand there is a pending lawsuit…

Now Ladies and Gentlemen….
The Winner of the “new” Tennessee Dog mascot is…..

A tie…..

The three hounds pictured below were selected, as was described by the University of Tennessee Athletic Department, as having….
“The Look of the Tennessee Volunteer Fan Base….”

Enjoy….

COLLEGE FOOTBALLTEAM NEWS

FLORIDA: No need to continually thank me for picking you to win the National Title last year. Frankly the adulation embarrasses me.

NCAA: Many of you have written me concerning my recent articles on the NCAA Nazi’s forcing Universities and Colleges to change their mascots and nicknames.
Some of you have requested the names of the NCAA committee that has been responsible for determining what “is” or what “isn’t” racist or demeaning in college football.
Unfortunately I have been unsuccessful in getting the names of all the committee members.
However, I do have a photograph of the NCAA committee on mascots as they prepare to execute an unnamed college mascot.

EDITORS NOTE: Have no fear my dear readers and fellow animal lovers…
I am sure the bear in question was a racist…

FLORIDA STATE: The Administration of FSU and the Attorney General of the State of Florida are suing the NCAA for not complying with the States Open Record Laws concerning public institutions.

The NCAA responded by saying….
“We (The NCAA) can’t be forced to release documents in Florida State University’s appeal of sanctions because we (The NCAA) are not covered by the state’s public records law.”

EDITORS NOTE: Not required to follow state law?
So an organization in this country that requires universities and colleges from all 50 states to pay them, doesn’t have to comply with state laws? Really?

TENNESSEE: Recently the University of Tennessee announced that they will place billboards in the state of Florida to entice people to considering going to Tennessee.
The funny thing is….
I thought Tennessee always had billboards in Florida….
They say…
“See Rock City”

COLORADO: I want to take this opportunity to thank the University of Colorado for releasing my sister-in-law from her Buffalo “stunt double” mascot contract.
This will give her a chance to pursue her acting career in the “Messing with Sasquatch” beef jerky commercials. Also thank you for not pursuing that lawsuit after she gored that kid at the opening of that grocery store last year with her “calcium deposits”.

TEXAS A&M: You are still my favorite Agro-Americans.

VIRGINIA TECH: (CORRECTION) I erroneously reported in answering an email some weeks back that the “Hokey Pokey” was “not what it was all about…”
However, it has come to my attention….
That in Blacksburg Virginia, the home of the Mighty Virginia Tech Hokies, that the term has another meaning.
This term is also an accepted “pick-up” line for Virginia Tech students and alumni.
Proposed as a question…
“Hokey Pokey?”

Hope this cleared up any misunderstanding…

AUBURN: I want to address rumors and innuendos that have been circulating from the Auburn campus and reverberating around the college football landscape.
Coach Wayne Bolt of Auburn is NOT Howdy Doody.
I hope this has cleared up any misunderstanding.

Coach Wayne Bolt

CHATTANOOGA: I cannot in good conscience promote a “raciest shoe” university.
Or “Racist Shoe U” as they will now be called….

ALABAMA: The Tide is appealing their loss of 21 wins by the NCAA by comparing similar cases involving Ball State, Temple, Weber State and Texas State. All but Temple were cited for lack of institutional control and the cases themselves involved more athletes than was involved at Alabama.
Yet none of the above named schools had to vacate wins.

Alabama was found guilty of the lesser violation of failure to monitor.
If the NCAA doesn’t demonstrate some consistency in their rulings here…
I simply say…
If this doesn’t succeed, I say we secede.

BIG ELEVEN, I mean BIG TEN
Just one last question for the Conference big wigs…
If there are ELEVEN teams in the conference, then why is it called The BIG TEN?

EDITORS NOTE: How difficult can it be to get a math degree from one of these schools? If you have 13 + 28 and you say 14 can you still get a passing grade?
(Tennessee Fans Take Note: that is Incorrect)

PAC 10 Conference: Follow along closely…
The reason you are not respected in the college football world is simple…
You have a weak football conference that as a general rule won’t play anybody outside your conference unless they have the words “Academy” or “Design” in their school name. Lastly, you insist on playing your games at 2330 EST on Saturday night and frankly the rest of the college football world is too hung over to care.

PRE-SEASON EMAILS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
I think I may be able to help you and our readers with a vexing problem.
I recently conducted a lecture on Dielectrophoretic Manipulation of Nanoparticles,
And it occurred to me….
The sycophantic arguments on the Bowl Championship Series can easily be disproven utilizing a mathematical theory similar in structure to the theory of Hydrodynamics.
What do you think about my hypothesis?
Dr. Timothy – John Hopkins University

A: Honestly….
I didn’t understand a damn thing after “Dear Mr. Wizard…”

Q: Dear Sir,

First, let me start off by saying that I am in no way affiliated with the NCAA or it’s fine staff of administrators and investigators. I do, however, find it rather appalling that you have this “vendetta”, if you will, against the head of this fine organization, Mr. Myles Brand. You have spent an obviously, exorbitant amount of time pointing out the alleged errors of the NCAA and, frankly, it is a rather tedious endeavor.

I must say that even I, with no affiliation with the NCAA, find it rather offensive to say that the aforementioned organization is “arrogant.” One specific argument that you continue to mention to support your supposition has to do with the scurrilous scandal involving Florida State University. You say they exhibit said arrogance by failing to publicly release a copy of the findings of the NCAA publicly.
Well, my good man, a perfectly simple explanation to this is the fact that the NCAA probably doesn’t even recognize Florida as a state.
In fact, I believe in a couple of conversations with Mr Brand that the NCAA doesn’t recognize anything south of the Mason Dixon line or east of the Rio Grande River as a state.
Therefore, with that fact in mind, the NCAA wouldn’t have to recognize any such “state” law.
It’s all very simple and logical if you think about it.

Also, your suggestion that certain conferences should secede from the NCAA is quite naïve. They are a truly benevolent organization with only the best interests of the institutions and student athletes in hands. I believe that you should stop all mention of this so that the NCAA can continue to rake in as much money as possible for the benefit of all. After all, it does take quite a goodly amount of cash to investigate all of those guilty parties in the SEC. Also, we have to accommodate numerous dignitaries occasionally, and it would be appalling to have to do so without the plush furniture, exquisite dining, or lavish offices. Why, it cost over $86,000 for the bathroom fixtures alone, from what I’ve heard.

As I said, please stop the naïve rants and support this fine organization so that we may all benefit.

Sincerely
Iles-may Ant-Bray

A: Clever Myles….Very clever

Q: Dear sir,
I just wanted to point out something that I found quite ironic…..
You can’t spell NAACP without NCAA. How weird is that?
And how about this while we are on the subject….
They are two of the most biased organizations in America…
They get money and nobody knows where it goes….
They Both Hate Southerners….
AND..
One will make you a victim and the other lives off of playing it up as a victim.
Biff in Buckhead, Georgia

A: Damn fine points sir…..

Q: Mike, despite what the idiots at the NCAA say…
There is nothing racist about wearing a pair of moccasins…
In fact they are very comfortable…
I and Others enjoy wearing them around the house…
Dave – Little Rock, Arkansas

A: Sounds like to me you are “comfortable” being a racist….
Damn racist shoe wearing people….

Q: My name Anh Dung and I read article on mascots and NCAA you write.
My family here and I agree. You so right!
We want address to write NCAA to have mascot remove from Naval Academy.
Why you say?
Navy goat remind me of Ho Chi Min and communism.
I look in the eyes of goat and see communist evil.
Also Navy pilots almost bomb us back to Stone Age in war, destroy many things.
Navy goat mascot must go!
Anh Dung – San Francisco, California

A: Would it be safe to say considering your last name to state
That you are full of “Dung”….

THE CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS

BIG TEN, sorry I mean ELEVEN.
The Ohio State Buckeyes are the team to beat: Period.
However, do not count out Jo Pa…….
With the Buckeyes traveling to Happy Valley this year anything can happen.

The other threat to Buckeye supremacy will come from the Badgers of Wisconsin..
Despite having a mascot that looks like a weasel on steroids, the badgers have a favorable schedule and could upset a number of teams before the season is over.

Illinois minus Chief Illini (Because he is a racist…) will make some teams sweat and they will most assuredly be in a major bowl game this year.

Iowa will continue to disappoint….
Michigan…(See “Iowa” above..)

BIG 12
Nebraska will win the North Division of the BIG 12 this year….
That’s right I said it….
The Cornhuskers have a brutal schedule but they will get it done…
Remember you heard it here first…

The South Division will be decided in the Red River Shoot Out when Oklahoma squares off against Texas. Who ever wins the Red River Shoot Out could run the tables and I do mean all of them.
My guess?
The Eyes of Texas are Upon Me so I have to be careful….
The Mighty Longhorns….

But make no mistake; the Cowboys of Oklahoma State will make a lot of noise this year.
And yes…..
The Red Raiders of Texas Tech will still be dangerous….

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE
The game of the year will be an early one…..
The night of October 10th in Death Valley….
The Florida Gators will Visit the LSU Fightn’ Tigers….
This may decide it all ladies and gentlemen….

That aside…..
My Prognostication is simple as well as bias…
The Florida Gators will win the Eastern Division of the Conference….
The Alabama Crimson Tide will win the Western Division.
Neither of which will be undefeated when they meet in Atlanta…

The Conference Champion will head to Pasadena……
It will be the Mighty Florida Gators…..

ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE
Remember that you heard it here first.
The Virginia Tech Hokies will win it all in the ACC this year….
However…
There are several teams that will upset and otherwise disrupt Championship plans…
The Clemson Tigers….
The Yellow Jackets of Georgia Tech…
The Hurricanes of Miami….
And as always….
Coach Bobby’s Seminoles….

My Upset Sleeper…The Tar Heels of North Carolina…
Don’t count them out of any game this year…

CONFERENCE USA
Contrary to recent reports….
The Southern Miss Golden Eagles will win the Eastern Division of the Conference..
Followed Closely…very closely by East Carolina..
The Western Division will be ruled by the Houston Cougars…
Believe it….
And the Cougars will win the Conference title this year……

My Proud Ponies of SMU will be better than advertised….
As will the Tulsa Golden Hurricanes…
Which I still think their nickname sounds nasty…

But as a side note….
My Favorite Football movie of late is still….
“We Are Marshall”

My buddy Matthew McConaughey is in it….
If you haven’t seen it, you don’t know what you are missing…

EDITORS NOTE:
Ladies I will not get you Matthew’s autograph or send him any “items” that you forward to me…
So please stop asking….
Same goes for you “guys” on the west coast…
Stop it, you’re creeping me out…

PAC 10
Be prepared to be shocked…

The Oregon State Beavers will win the PAC 10 Title this year….
Followed closely by the Devils from the Sun at Arizona State and the U$C Trojans…
Believe it….

BIG EAST
This year the competition in the conference has never been tougher…
West Virginia….
Louisville….
Cincinnati….
Pittsburgh….
South Florida…
Connecticut …
Anyone of these teams has the ability to take the conference championship…

My Take….
Friday Night on November 27th in Morgantown West Virginia…
Light those couches…
The Mountaineers will win the Big East Conference Title..

Do not count out South Florida….And that’s NO Bull….

But as a side note, Syracuse will continue to be beaten like dirty rug….

WESTERN ATHLETIC CONFERENCE
Remember you read it here first…..
The Broncos of Boise State will win the Conference Title this year…….
Finish the season….Undefeated and be in the mix for the National Title.
Believe it……

MOUNTAIN WEST
The Horned Frogs of Texas Christian University will take the Conference Title this year…But they will not get away undefeated.
Hot on the tail of the Frogs will be Utah and Brigham Young University…
One hiccup by the Frogs and one of these teams will leap frog to the top…

EDITORS NOTE: You may be asking yourself….
Why is My Favorite College Football Prognosticator picking these Conferences this year? I got two words for you…..
“Sugar Bowl”

THE ARMED FORCES TROPHY

The winner of the 2009 Armed Forces Trophy will be….
I will give you a hint….
It rhymes with “Wavy”…..

INDEPENDENTS
This is one is always too easy for me…..
Let’s see who we have to choose from?
There is Notre Dame…..
Hoobastank State…..
Roy Rogers Western Wear Academy….
Armadillo Taxidermy College….

Although I really like Roy Rogers I will have to go with the Boy’s from South Bend.

THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP…….
The Rose Bowl in Pasadena California……
You will have to wait until next week……

So stay Tuned….
Only 27 more days until Kickoff

RTR
MEB

Your wait is over…..
The 2009 Edition of the College Football Preseason Extravaganza is here…..

You didn’t really believe your Favorite College Football Prognosticator would leave you hanging did you?

This year we have a lot to cover and two additional conferences to review.
So you will have three different installments of the Preseason Extravaganza.

Your follow on installment will be out next Friday….

So my dear readers….
Please place your seats in the upright position and buckle your safety belts…
The 2009 College Football Season promises to be a bumpy ride….

Enjoy….

How to Make College Football Better….

Before we get started I have a few Ideas I would like to share with you..
Now I know what you are thinking….
“Here we go again…..”

Hardly my dear friends and fellow college football fanatics…

I am not here to institute “Change”…..
But to solidify those traditions in the game that we have lost or are losing….

I have composed a brief list of those things I would like to see…
To make our beloved College Football Season better…

1. We don’t need a room full of talking bobble head doll commentators to tell us what we ALREADY know, nor do we NEED them to hype a college football game for us…

NOTE TO TELEVISION COMMENTATORS:
WE ALREADY KNOW THE GAME IS IMPORTANT…
THAT IS WHY WE ARE WATCHING IT – DUMBASS.

2. Introduce the football players before the game.
Or better yet, let them introduce themselves, like they did “back in the day…”
I want to know…
Where they are from, what year they are in college and what they are studying…
Why?
Because some of these kids are the ONLY people in their family to attend college or the ONLY people from their towns that ever went off to college.
Those kids and their families and those little towns deserve that recognition.

3. Believe it or not there is nothing wrong with having an invocation before a football game. In fact asking the All Mighty to keep anybody from getting killed during the football game does not constitute “an endorsement of religion” despite what the gibbering idiots on the Supreme Court want you to believe.

EDITORS NOTE: Case in Point….
IF you were playing for the Eastern Idaho Fertilizer Distributors Academy and you were playing the mighty Southern California Trojans wouldn’t you want some assurance that you wouldn’t end up in the hospital before the fourth quarter?
In case you were wondering…
I believe that game is scheduled in October as part of the “brutal” Trojan non-conference schedule.

4. Show the College Marching Bands at half-time.
You can run the scores of other games along the top and bottom of the screen if you want to or if the viewer has an itchy remote trigger finger, he or she can switch to one of the other 100 channels and catch another game.
Those kids in the Marching Bands are a part of the rich tradition and pageantry of College Football and those kids put as much time on the field practicing as the teams themselves.

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note…
If you are a male over the age of ten and you really don’t want to see the LSU Golden Girls or the beautiful University of Alabama Crimsonettes, then you have issues.
Enough said….

5. Make the College Football Referees and Umpires accountable.
Let’s be honest here….
These guys make 180 to 250K for working a 6 month job.
Not that I have a problem with that….
However…
Where are the background checks on these guys?
Are we to believe that “they” are all above reproach?
Shouldn’t they be held to some sort of standard in this “profession”?
What is the punishment when they don’t meet that standard and cost a team a game or a shot at a Championship?
Where is the almighty NCAA in that discussion?

EDITORS NOTE: If you think this doesn’t matter; ask any Oklahoma Sooner Fan about the Oregon Duck game a couple of years ago. They will tell you…..

6. We don’t need the BCS nor do we need any college football playoffs.
Listen closely….
IF you are a big time college football program that wants to play for the National Championship..
Then drop the Division III Vietnamese Hair and Nail Salon Beauty Colleges from your respective schedules and play OTHER big time college football programs DURING the season.
There is your play-off system ladies and gentlemen…..
Problem solved…

7. Only “One” college transfer for the cry baby college football player that wants to transfer to another college because he isn’t getting enough playing time.
Clearly these knuckleheads have forgotten about the “team” sport concept and the advantage of getting a college education.

8. The “politically” correct Nazis at the NCAA should stay out of the College Mascot business. The North Dakota “Fighting Sioux” isn’t racist, nor was the Newberry College “Indians”. If you are “offended” by these mascots let me break it down for you….
You are a spineless idiot that roams the earth in search of something, anything that “in your” perverted view of life can be viewed as offensive.
I pray that you haven’t reproduced and are so offended by this statement that you drink the “Jim Jones Cool-Aide” and simply…go away……

9. The NCAA actually does what it was actually designed to be…
Which is an organization designed to establish standards of collegiate athletics.
NOT…..
Steal images of college football players and make millions from EA Sports video games.
NOT….
Show favoritism in compliance of the application of the NCAA rules…
NOT…
Negotiate television revenue and manipulate universities revenue streams…
NOT…
Partner with other unethical organizations to punish southern universities and colleges.
NOT…
Ignore State and Federal laws in an effort to further your own arrogant financial agenda.

Have I made my point?

10. The Southeastern Conference, the Atlantic Coast Conference and the Big 12 should secede from the NCAA and form their own College Sports Conference and break the backs and financial stranglehold the NCAA has on college athletics.

FAMOUS COACH’S QUOTE

“I’m on my kids at every turn, every day, doing whatever I can to keep outside influences from clouding their thought processes.” …
U$C Coach Pete Carroll talking to the Los Angeles Times on April 26, 2006….
About his effort to maintain a clean program

EDITORS NOTE: I am assuming…
This interview took place before Snoop Dog and O.J. Simpson were given “free” access to the locker room and players.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL CULTURE

As I have attempted to illuminate in the past….
There is a big difference between college football in the Deep South and the college football culture of California.
But for you that still need an illustrated example this brief comparison is for you…
I hope this helps
Enjoy…..

WOMEN’S ATTIRE

California: Woodstock 1960’s vintage hippie chic’ (no bath or shower or deodorant)

Down South: Designer duffel or purse with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), cell phone and a bottle of Perrier.
Wallet not necessary-that’s what dates are for……

STADIUM SIZE

California: College football stadiums hold 40,000

Down South: Most High school football stadiums hold 20,000

NOTABLE EXCEPTIONS:
Los Angles Memorial Coliseum and the Rose Bowl neither of which belongs to the respective schools playing in them.

LEGENDARY NAMES

California: O.J. Simpson and Reggie Bush

Down South: Hershel Walker, Bo Jackson, Earl Campbell and Billy Cannon

WEATHER

California: Rain, Earth Quakes, Mud Slides and other disasters of Biblical proportions.

Down South: Sunny, highs mid-60s, lows in the thirties.

FATHERS

California: Expect their daughters to understand the spirit of “Diversity” and the complications of the O.J. Simpson Trial.

Down South: Expect their daughters to understand the Wishbone and the Spread Offence as well as the difference between the 4-3 and the 3-4 defenses.

ATTIRE

California: Male and female alike: Dread locks and flip flops standard.

Down South:
Male – Pressed khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat and or college team logo.
Female – Ankle or knee length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford.

EDITORS NOTE: Girls in the south can make a mans heart flutter with a smile..
How in the hell does that work in California with dirty ass 1960’s clothes and dread locks?
It doesn’t, that’s the point.

ALUMNI

California: Take prospects on sailing trips to Catalina Island to discuss the complexities of the O.J. Simpson Trial.

Down South: Take prospects on fishing trips so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year.

CAMPUS DECOR

California: Statues of Johnnie Cochran

Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners and National Championship Coaches.

HOMECOMING QUEEN

California: Also a major in ethnic studies with a minor in “feel bad about myself”.

Down South: Also Miss USA.

HEROES

California: Johnnie Cochran

Down South: Paul “Bear” Bryant, Bobby Bowden, Steve Spurrier, Darrel Royal and the LSU Chinese Bandits.

GETTING TICKETS

California: 15 minutes before the game you can walk up to the ticket counter and purchase tickets while negotiating through the protest for the “Rights of Tibet”.

Down South: 5 months before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.

FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME

California: Students and Professors are planning a protest against one of the following:
1. The Republican Party
2. People Wearing Fur
3. People that Eat Meat
4. The Republican Party
5. Anyone against Same-Sex marriage

Down South: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class on Friday.

PARKING

California: An hour before the game the university opens the campus for game parking.

Down South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday night for the Saturday’s Game festivities.

EDITORS NOTE: The real faithful in the South begin arriving on Tuesday.

GAME DAY

California: A few students get together in the dorm and smoke their hemp shoes and shorts and talk about the complications of the O.J. Simpson Trial

Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting Game Day “Live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots from out west who wonder why Game Day is never broadcast from their campus.

TAILGATING

California: Enjoying Zima and tofu while listening to local a radio station covering the protest of the lack of rights for Hispanic immigrants.

Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn…..
Cooking accompanied by live performance by Lynyrd Skynyrd who come over during breaks and ask for a couple bottles of beer.

GETTING TO THE STADIUM

California: You have to ask, “Where’s the stadium?”
But first you must negotiate through the crowd protesting outside the stadium for the Rights of Tibet…

Down South: When you’re near it, you’ll hear it.
On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city…..
Believe it…

CONCESSIONS

California: Drinks served in a decorative recyclable paper cup filled to the top with caffeine free soda.

Down South: Drinks served in a 24 oz plastic cup with the home teams mascot-filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.

WHEN THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED

California: Excellent opportunity to stage another protest…..

Down South: 95,000+ fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.

THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE

California: Marijuana and the aroma of sweaty ass smell because nobody bathes before the game to save the whales; by saving one tub of bath water…

Down South: Fireworks with a twist of beer and or fine Kentucky bourbon is customary.

COMMENTARY (MALE)

California: “I still believe O.J. Simpson is innocent”

Down South: “Block some-body damn it!”

COMMENTARY (FEMALE)

California: “I still believe O.J. Simpson is innocent.”

Down South: “Tackle some-body damn it”

AFTER THE GAME

California: The stadium is empty before the game ends; because the next “big” protest begins at 10:00 pm.

Down South: Put another rack of ribs on the smoker….
While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more beer and bourbon while planning begins for next week’s party.

EDITORS NOTE: I hope this helped…

Preseason Observations and Prognostications

Ole Miss isn’t as good as the National Sports media would have you believe.

Michigan Wolverines: See Above.

Southern California Trojans: Please see “Ole Miss” above

Since the once proud Orange Bowl closed its gates in Miami…
The Miami Hurricane Administration has gone to great lengths to attract more fans to the “new” stadium of the Hurricanes.
This season be prepared to witness….
The Cane Athletic Department will distribute “Hurricane Fan Packs” before every home game. My favorite “Fan Pack”?
The Official Miami Hurricane Fan Starter Kit….
It comes with “one size fits all” Crunk Teeth, a Mister T jewelry starter kit and a Ghost Face Killer CD…

Wolverine Coach Rich Rodriguez’s wife will be auditioning later this year for the “new” VH1 Program “Rock of Skanks” with Bret Michaels.

The NCAA will continue to drag its collective feet on the “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans into 2010 without resolution.

The National Sports media will continue to ignore the NCAA “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans, all the while portraying them as the media darlings.

I am convinced that N.C.A.A. stands for National Coalition Against Alabama.

Sometime this season Jo Pa’s glasses will refract the sun and incinerate an entire western Pennsylvania town.

The Virginia Tech Hokies still have the largest Wang in College Football….
Junior Defensive End Ed Wang is 6’6 and weighs nearly 330 pounds.

EDITORS NOTE: What did you think I was talking about?
Shame on you…

The Georgia Bulldogs will be better than advertised this year…..
Way better….

The Naval Academy….
Please see “Georgia Bulldogs” above…

The University of Oregon’s mascot has undergone yet another off season makeover….
The “new” mascot now appears less like a gay Donald Duck on steroids and more like a backup singer in “WAM”.

You will all come to know what I have learned the hard way….
The Boise State Broncos are for real….

The Utah Ute’s…..
See Above

The West Point Football Team will still suck…..

The Ivy League will suck even worse…

If the Louisville Cardinals do not develop something that resembles a defense this year
They will be talking to Tommy “Ears” Tubberville by November….
Believe it….

This coming season the Michigan State Spartans will begin the season by soundly thrashing a couple of colleges that are known more for carburetor repair and animal fertilizer distribution than college football and then lose their respective asses during the Big Ten schedule.
But they will still beat Michigan….
Believe it..

The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets will be the spoiler in the Atlantic Coast Conference

CORRECTION:
The hit NBC television program “The Biggest Loser” is not The Phil Fulmer Story…
Hope this cleared up any misunderstanding..

Maybe it’s just me…
But I always thought Oral Roberts was a dental school.

The Infamous Southeastern Conference referee Penn Wagers….
The absolute worse referee in all of College Football History…
He will screw up at least two games this fall costing two teams a victory that they would have otherwise earned on the field of play.
Believe it….

I still think Auburns mascot “aubie” looks like that cat on a bag of Cheetos.

Oklahoma State and Nebraska will be the spoilers this year in the BIG 12…
Believe it…

Once again this year….
I will wish the Oregon State Beavers had a football player named Jerry Mathers.

EDITORS NOTE: Sometimes I wish for too much…

Unfortunately, despite a number of emails and personal appearances by “yours truly…”
The University of Iowa will not be changing their nickname this year from the “Hawkeye’s” to the “Popeye’s” as was reported a few months ago.
Despite the support of a noted Fried Chicken Franchise, it seems a Federal Law suit filed late last week by Olive Oil and Brutus has prompted the University to keep their current nickname.

I would rather be forced to listen to “The Best of Zamfir” Pan Flute CD on a continuous loop this season than willingly listen to any of the following college football “commentators” during a football game:

Vern Lundquist: This syphilitic old troll’s voice has been designated by the United Nations Human Rights Commission as “Cruel and Unusual punishment….”
Enough said…

Archie Manning: If you look in Webster’s Dictionary under the term “Dumbass”, it says;
See Archie Manning.

Bret Musburger: If he were in “Saved by the Bell” he would be Screech…..

Dan Foust: He is a former “Oregon Duck”….
Enough said….

Mark May: If bull crap was electricity….
Then this idiot would be a walking Nuclear Power Plant.

Pam Ward: Her voice has been proven by the American Medical Association to be the leading cause of suicide on college football Saturdays.

John Saunders: He knows as much about college football as Siegfried and Roy do about heterosexuality.

CORRECTION:
The Hit Disney movie “Big Fat Liar” is not The Phil Fulmer Story.
Hope this cleared up any misunderstanding..

I still think Terry Bowden looks like a shaved woodchuck.

Congratulations are in order!
Coach Lou Holtz was inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame this year…
But did you know….
That Coach Lou will also be inducted into the Wild Turkey Hall of Fame later this year, not so much by his accomplishments in preserving our wildlife or turkey hunting heritage. But by his actually being a 145 pound Tom Turkey himself…
Congratulations Coach and Gobble Gobble to you and yours.

Sometime this season some local “affiliate” television station will refuse to break away from an infomercial for Richard Simmons “Sweating to the Geriatric’s” and force me to miss the first half of a Southeastern Conference match-up.
This outrage will ultimately cause me to call the local affiliate station and threaten them with my Michael Jackson impersonation.

PRETENDERS and CONTENDERS

The truth is there isn’t much room at the top of college football.
It’s true and we all know it too.
So there is no point in writing something about how “everybody” has a chance…
It isn’t true….
You all expect more from Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…

So for your reading pleasure the list of teams, in no particular order, that “really” have a chance at the Title in January 2010 and those teams that very well may derail the party, as well as those teams that well…..
Stand a better chance of winning Power Ball than they do of having a winning season….

CONTENDERS

TEXAS: The Longhorns are the real McCoy

FLORIDA: Two words…”Tim Tebow”

OHIO STATE: After they beat the Trojan$ in the Big Horseshoe…
That’s right I said “after”…..
The Buckeyes will be the team to beat in the Big 11, I mean…Big 10.

LSU: The Mighty Tigers have reloaded….
And they will contend for the SEC Conference Championship…..
Believe it….

BOISE STATE: Remember you heard it here first….
The Broncos will go undefeated and play in a BCS Bowl game…
Will it be the Championship game?
You will have to wait until next week to find out.

OKLAHOMA: Because they are the Sooners…
That’s why

PENN STATE: Never underestimate Jo Pa.

ALABAMA: The Mighty Tide will rise again this year.
But is another undefeated season in the future?
Time will solve that mystery for all of us…

VIRGINIA TECH: The Mighty Hokies will win the ACC Conference Championship this season but the road to Pasadena will be a much steeper climb.

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Their place here is due in large part to being the sports media darlings and aside from playing The Ohio State Buckeyes, the Trojans play a variety of non-conference games that resemble the Characters from “Blues Clues.”
But remember you heard it here first….
The Trojan$ will lose “at least” two games this season…
Then we will all watch ESPN, ABC Sports and the College Football News….Weep

FLY’S IN THE BUTTERMILK

SOUTH CAROLINA: Coach Steve forgot more about football than most coaches know.

SOUTHERN MISS: The Golden Eagles are always dangerous…Period.

HOUSTON: If you play the Cougars this year, you will have a problem.

CLEMSON: These are no paper Tigers, they are for real.

GEORGIA TECH: The Rambling Wreck will ruin many a team’s championship plans this season….

WISCONSIN: Never underestimate the Power of Cheese.

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: The Horned Frogs may have their best team ever…

UTAH: Two words for you….”Sugar Bowl”: Enough said…

TEXAS TECH: Despite losing their record setting quarterback and receivers, you can never underestimate the craftiness of the “Mad Pirate”.

OKLAHOMA STATE: This batch of Cowboys will run roughshod over the BIG 12…
Keep your eye on them…

NEBRASKA: The Cornhuskers will upset one team’s dreams in the BIG 12 this year…
Count on it…

GEORGIA: How Bout them Dawgs!

PRETENDERS

TEMPLE: The Owls are to college football what Gary Busey is to philosophy.

EDITORS NOTE: Just for the record…
My favorite Gary Busey quote…

“Never Dip lower than you can Dip”

Wise words Gary…

DUKE: Seriously….Stick to basketball.

INDIANA: Please See “Duke” above..

OREGON: You are the “Ducks”…
You call your offence “The Quack Attack”…..
You have more uniform combinations than Sears has underwear adds….
Your Marching Band Uniforms look like they were designed by George Jetson while he was smoking crack…
If it weren’t for Evergreen State your mascot would be the laughing stock of college football….
And you honestly think we are going to take you seriously?

WASHINGTON STATE: There are two dozen high schools across the South that could beat the Cougars by 35 points. Enough said…..

BAYLOR: Bears please see “Washington State” above…

MICHIGAN: The only thing that scares opponents this year about the Wolverines is the remote chance of seeing Mrs. Rich Rod without her makeup on….

EDITORS NOTE: I threw up a little bit just thinking about it…

PURDUE: What is up with Purdue Pete’s Head? It’s almost….
Notice I said “Almost”…
As big as Wynonna Judds…

NOTRE DAME: The Fighting Irish will surprise a few teams this year but will fall far below expectations…
It’s Like Déjà vu all over again in South Bend…

RUTGERS: Hey Cinderella! The Party’s Over…

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA: You are here because the media loves you…
You are here because of Reggie Bush….
You’re here because you should have already been hammered by the NCAA like yesterdays ground chuck.
You are here because we all hate your arrogance and lying about your “violations”.
But primarily you are here because this year you will fail….

More Later in the Upcoming segments of the Preseason Extravaganza…
Including your prognostications and Conference Championships…
Breaking Down the BCS Standings and review of Conference Media Days…
Pre-Season Email Questions and Answers and more…

So stay Tuned….
Only 34 more days until Kickoff
RTR
MEB

They remember everything…
Forever…

Florida Gator fans will tell you they were the 1984 Southeastern Conference Champions, and it doesn’t make any difference to them what the NCAA has to say about it…

Michigan fans won’t let the Buckeyes forget the John Cooper era…

Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket fans won’t let Georgia forget last year…

And none of us…
Have forgotten about the NCAA “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans.

But the “I’ve Still Got the Red Ass from 2008 Award” goes too…

The Mighty Texas Longhorn Fans….

They will never forget the 2008 Red River Shootout against Oklahoma and the subsequent snub by the BCS committee for a shot at the National Title….

I know because I have heard about it at least ten times a week since December of 2008.

Longhorn fans are still angry, and rightly so….
They are mad with the BCS Committee or the “BS” Committee as it is known in most Texas Longhorn social circles…

And the Oklahoma Sooners…

So in Honor of this Rivalry and heart felt Grudge….
I present the following…

Evidence that none of us ever really “get over it….”

Click here to view the embedded video.

We may hear from Hootie Snitch later this week…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

From the “We are Drunk with Power” File…

The dictatorship of the NCAA will not allow an “exception” to one of their many rules to help a little girl fighting cancer.

You read that correctly…

The unprecedented Lauren’s First and Goal Football Camp, which took place this past Sunday at Lafayette College in Easton, Pa. The unprecedented Lauren’s First and Goal Football Camp, which took place this past Sunday at Lafayette College in Easton, Pa., breaks the mold. According to the NCAA, the one-day event is the largest in the country and draws more than 1,700 prospects and close to 300 college coaches from 100-plus schools. From Boston College and Rutgers to Asa Junior College and Moravian, hundreds of coaches voluntarily drive to Easton and give up a day for a little girl named Lauren Loose.

Lauren Loose is the daughter of Lafayette defensive coordinator John Loose and his wife Marianne.

She was diagnosed with Neurofibromatosis, Moyamoya disease and Evan’s Syndrome at nine months old. Lauren has battled brain and spinal cord tumors all her little life.

Her parents felt helpless as people often do in these circumstances….
Marianne said, “We just felt like we needed to do something,” Marianne said. “When someone tells you your child has cancer, you feel like you lose all control. This is our chance to do something cathartic and take back some of the control.” Shortly after attending a motorcycle ride sponsored by the Pediatric Brian Tumor Foundation of the United States, the answer dawned on them.

“I was working a camp at the University of Michigan,” John said. “There were so many coaches and kids there, and I thought maybe I could do a camp like that for one day and raise a bunch of money for charity. I ran it by some guys at the [American Football Coaches Association] and every one of them said immediately that they were in.”

Since its humble beginning, the camp has grown exponentially, raising more than $750,000 for the Lauren’s First and Goal Foundation, a 501c3 charitable organization created in 2004 to support pediatric brain tumor research and provide pediatric cancer services and financial assistance to families living with a pediatric cancer diagnosis.

The camp’s success isn’t lost on the unquestioned star of the show. “It’s very cool that all of these people come and donate the money,” Lauren said. “I really can’t believe it, it is so generous of them and makes me feel special.”

Despite Lauren’s gratitude….”I have to thank my parents for all of the time they put in,” she said. “They work like dogs all day.”….
As well as the success of the camp this year will bring changes

Recent NCAA restrictions limit the amount of time D-I coaches can spend working at summer camps. The new rule, designed to give coaches a reprieve from the abundance of camps nationwide, restricts D-I coaches to only work at camps during two university-designated 15-day periods, one in June and one in July.

The rule benefits coaches who felt compelled to attend every camp for fear of missing out on an elite prospect. In the arms race that is college football recruiting, no coach wants to hurt his chances of landing a star simply for declining a camp invite, but the camp circuit can have a significant impact on a coach’s already full schedule.

But there’s a down side to the new rule, too: It would prevent coaches who hosted their own camps during the permissible timeframe from attending Lauren’s First and Goal, which takes place the first Sunday in June.

Mercifully, the NCAA has granted Lauren’s First and Goal a one-year exemption from the new rule. Many are concerned, however, that absent another adjustment the restrictions will negatively impact the camp moving forward.

“This epitomizes college coaches coming together for something good,” said Pitt assistant coach Brian Angelichio. “Every person here volunteers with no personal agendas whatsoever.”

Another coach from a BCS school, who wished to remain anonymous, echoed that sentiment. “The NCAA would be absolutely crazy not to ‘grandfather’ this camp,” he said. “We have been coming here well before the rule was put into place.”

The NCAA…..
However, remains wary of exemptions and exceptions because of the precedent they create. If it provides an exemption for this charity camp, it’s possible questionably motivated 501c3-designated camps will crop up across the country in an effort to exploit the charity loophole.

EDITORS NOTE: So, rather than help anyone we are going to “exploit” a charity to better our teams.
Who do they think we are Southern California?

Lauren, for her part, remains oblivious to the NCAA situation. After recent surgery to remove a tumor from her spinal cord, Lauren suffered a stroke that required additional surgery to transplant blood vessels from her scalp to her brain. She’s got too much on her plate to worry about the bureaucratic dealings unfolding around her. She’s only worried about one thing.

“Spread the word about the camp so more people come here and donate money,” Lauren said. “Every time they come here, it helps

EDITORS COMMENTARY: My immediate question when this news broke…
How does this event really give one program an “unfair” advantage over another?

It doesn’t that’s the point…

Is the NCAA afraid that “mighty” Lafayette College will challenge the University of Southern California for supremacy?

Or is the NCAA a dictatorship ran by self-serving heartless bastards?

I vote for the latter.

How much more are we going to take?

It is time for the universities and colleges that are forced to be in the NCAA to take their leave and secede from this tyrannical rule.

Now……

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TRADITIONS

MASCOTS…..

Let’s take a moment to lower our blood pressure from the earlier article and discuss college football mascots…

You are probably wondering what constitutes a mascot.

There are only three rules to this….

First…
It has to be Live…
You can have a student in a foam rubber copy of the mascot running around the stadium, but you have to have a live mascot representing your team. Period.

Case in point…..
The Air Force Academy has a Falcon…
Colorado has a Buffalo…
But there is no mascot in college football that is scarier or intimidates opponents quite like Mike the Tiger at LSU.

They place Mike’s cage outside the visitor’s locker room and you have to run by him to get to the field.
Let me tell you this, running by that big cat will make you want to wet your pants.
And..”No” I don’t want to talk about it.

NOTED EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE:

MICHIGAN STATE: I know it would be difficult in finding a “Spartan” today, unless you built a time machine, but at least give your mascot a better nickname than “Sparty”.

It sounds like a gay fireman.

SAN DIEGOS STATE: Please see Michigan State above and substitute “Spartan” with “Aztec” and substitute “gay fireman” with “Elton John’s dream date”.

EDITORS NOTE: For those interested in a “Time Machine”…
Please contact Notre Dame; I understand they are working diligently to find a way to bring back Knute Rockne.

Second….

The mascot should represent the culture of your university, team, and state.

Case in Point….
Oklahoma has the Boomer Sooner…
Auburn has the War Eagle….
Florida has a live Alligator…
But No mascot in college football represents the culture and climate of a state and team like BEVO for the University of Texas Longhorns.

I don’t care who you are….
BEVO is just cool

NOTED EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE:

CENTRAL MICHIGAN: I am not sure why you wanted to name your team after an infected mole, maybe there is a medical school close by.
But please don’t have a kid run around in a foam rubber “Chippewa’s” costume…
It would be disgusting…

THE NCAA: The mascot for this “volunteer” “non-profit” organization is simply incorrect.
It should reflect its culture, team and state of mind.

My suggestion?

The mascot should have a rat like face, with the eyes and ears of a bat and they should be called “The arrogant power hungry bastards”
I even have the perfect mascot for them…

Third….
It’s none of the NCAA’s damn business what a university names its mascot.

The mascot and nickname of a particular university is the business of the university, state and alumni, not some overzealous pin head’s business in Indianapolis.

Case in point….

WILLIAM and MARY: As we have noted in the past the Nazis at the NCAA forced the administration of William and Mary to change their nickname and mascot because “they” felt the term “Tribe” was raciest and demeaning.

So this week the administration, alumni and students are “voting” on a replacement and it looks like the early favorite is the “Fighting Asparagus.”

One can only hope the university administration isn’t forced to change that mascot as well because that particular vegetable caused a rash on some idiot staffer at the headquarters in Indianapolis.

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t care if you name your team “The Short White Fighting Honky’s with Bad Credit” and have two crossed double-wide trailers on your helmet.

I don’t care.

So I would suggest the rest of you idiots that wake up every morning looking for a reason to be “offended” or have your “little feelings” hurt, just get the hell over it.

LASTLY…..
You may have noticed that I excluded mascots from northern schools in our discussion.

There is a reason for that…
Despite living ten miles from the Arctic Circle Youngstown State doesn’t have a live penguin for a mascot?

Wisconsin doesn’t have a live badger….

Penn State doesn’t have a live Lion….
That is unless you count Jo Pa…

But there is an exception to the rule and it does need to be mentioned here.

Even though the University of Michigan doesn’t have a “live” Wolverine, they do in “fact” have a very scary mascot that frightens little children as well as adults.

Beware…
Looking at Coach Rod’s wife…
Will cause your watch to lose time, your eyes to cross and your pets to stand on their hind legs and howl.

Only 69 days until kickoff…

Have a great weekend…

RTR
MEB

It’s time to catch up on your college football news as a number of major colleges concluded their spring practice last weekend.

Stay tuned…
I have some news that will surely amaze you…
And Next Week….
We will have the return of our “Seven Questions” segement…
With none other than Miles Brand the President of the NCAA…
It should be “illuminating”…..

But until then let’s catch up on some emails and college football news.

Enjoy!

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Don’t start getting all cocky just because Alabama “finally” won an Iron Bowl!
How many had Auburn won before the Tide decided to roll in?
War damn Eagle!
Chip – Pensacola, Florida

A: You sure are mighty cocky yourself Chip…
I saw the scoreboard and thought I saw a Goose Egg up there…

Q: Dear Mister Wizard, I enjoy your pages and insightful writings. I like your picture at the top of the page. I wish I had me one of them robe out fits and matching cap, too.

Here’s my question. My Bull-Dawgs have done and got ‘em another top recruiting class, just like Alabama. We also got us a reeeeeeeeaal good coach, just like Alabama. We had us a pretty good season last year, almost like Alabama.

When do you think we’ll win us a National Championship, just like Alabama?
Lemual – Ludowici, Georgia

A: You sure you aren’t a Tennessee fan?
Because you write like a Tennessee fan, that’s all I’m saying.

Q: How do I go about asking Tim Tebow to marry me?
I kept a writing him and I found his phone number…
(Called him when I was drinking; Big Mistake!)
Then he went and changed his number!
So help me, how do I go about it?
I think he is hot!
Tracy – Homosassa, Florida

A: You already have a restraining order against you, don’t you Tracy?

Q: Mike, any crazy new college football news that we don’t already know about?
Thanks!
Glen – Blacksburg, Virginia

A: I don’t know if you heard about the man suing the University of Miami?
He believes the term “Hurricane” is discriminatory against men…
So in a knee jerk reaction, the President of the University decided to rename the team…

“The We-All-A-Canes”…..
Catchy don’t you think?

Q: Mike what is the deal with the NCAA?
Why can’t they seem to close the deal on the Reggie Bush investigation?
If the NCAA can find schools guilty without any evidence to support their claims, then it seems pretty simple that they could shut the case on Southern California after all the “evidence” has surfaced.
What’s your take?
Paul – Charleston, South Carolina

A: Paul it’s simple…
The Case against the University of $outhern California has dragged on because….
The NCAA has more tools within their hallowed halls than Lowes and Home Depot..
Combined..

Q: Mike, now that Phil Fulmer has left the University of Tennessee, could you find it in your heart to relay a “good” story about Tennessee Volunteer fans?
Please?
Melanie – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Sure Melanie…
One afternoon a University of Tennessee student was given a ride by a guy in his big Lincoln Continental…

The student noticed a bunch of golf tees on the front seat and asked..
“What are those things for?”

The guy said, “They’re to hold my balls while I drive.”

“Damn!” exclaimed the Tennessee student…
“These Lincoln Continentals have Everything, don’t they?”

EDITORS NOTE: This never gets old for me…

Q: Mike, I read that Terry Bowden left the ABC College Football pre-game team and has decided to coach again.

Do you know where he is coaching?
Thanks!
Susan – Opelika, Alabama

A: Terry Bowden took the position as Head Football Coach of the Sally Brothers Midget Clown College.

It is my understanding….
that he took the position primarily…
because everything at the college was designed for people of his stature.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS

ALABAMA: Bryant Denny Stadium hosted nearly eighty five thousand spectators this past Saturday to watch the spring scrimmage and witness the competition for starting quarterback.
If the offense can get pointed in the right direction and with nine returning starters on defense…
The Mighty Tide may Roll again in the Fall…

TENNESSEE: The annual Volunteer Orange and White game had nearly fifty thousand in attendance this year.

Prehaps the highlight of the afternoon’s festivities was awarding a Trophy….
To former coach Phil Fulmer…

I am not sure…
if the award was in recognition of his “5″ win season…
Or the fact that by leaving the university of Tennessee…
He single handedly dropped the crime rate in Knoxville by 36%!

Either way…
Congratulations!

EDITORS NOTE: There is no confirmation yet; on how many in attendance were law enforcement personnel, parole officers or bail bondsmen.

MICHIGAN: This past week all star basketball player and all around athlete Greg Paulus…
Strolled around the Wolverine campus to determine if he would walk-on as a future quarterback of the maze and blue.

This is what head Coach Rich Rodriguez had to say concerning the prize recruits visit:

“I didn’t meet with him…
But I can’t understand why Ron Paul would even want to play football..
I have seen him on television and he is kind of old, you know?
Plus he seems to have a career in politics or something already.”

EDITORS NOTE: After last years performance even Ron Paul at quarterback…
May not seem like such a bad idea if you think about it..

NEBRASKA: The Red and White spring game in Lincoln showcased Husker quarterback Zac Lee.
He clearly demonstrated that he is growing into the role of starting quarterback and leader of the Mighty Cornhuskers.

Converted Lineback Latravis Washington ran like he wants to be the premier back of the offense before 77,670 fans of the Husker nation.

EDITORS NOTE: I hate to be the one to tell you…
But the Mighty Huskers are Back…
You read it here first

TEXAS TECH: Ever heard of the name “Taylor Potts”?
He is the new captain of the Coach Leach offense in Red Raider Country…

Don’t worry fans you will know him well before the season is over..
Especially my Big 12 fans…

FLORIDA: Quarterback John Brantley led the offense during the Blue and Orange game for the National Champion Gators this past Saturday…
With most of the Gator starters setting out the game, this provided an opportunity to showcase the young talent the Gators have on the horizon…

Stated John after the game; “I think I have a real shot at starting this year…”

EDITORS NOTE: I Love the enthusiasm John…..
But I have “two” words for you son..
“TIM TEBOW”; now go take a seat on the bench…

AUBURN: New Tiger Football Coach Gene Chizik….

EDITORS NOTE: Pronounced: “Cheese-it” (Which is nice)

Proclaimed the War Eagle spring scrimmage a success!
and immedately ordered Championship rings for the winning squad..
No word yet on the parade….

WEST VIRGINIA: Quarterback Jarrett Brown “finally” has his shot at Mountaineer glory after (former) quarterback Pat White exhausted his 8 years of eligibility.

You will see a more “team” oriented offense this year from the Mountaineers..
That is loaded with talent…
Which is not good news for the rest of the Big East..

VIRGINIA TECH: I don’t have anything to report currently..
But, I do enjoy saying the word “Hokie”…
It’s fun to say even when you are alone…

NCAA: The ever diligent folks from Indianapolis have decided this past week to combine “both” investigations of the University of Southern California into one.

In case you may have forgotten…
The investigations in question invole Former Trojan athletes O.J. Mayo and Reggie Bush..
As you may recall…..
Both individuals are “alleged” to have accepted hundreds of thousands of dollars and gifts while playing for the University of the Second Coming…

Although both athletes “deny” the allegations…
The pair have placed the blame for their lavish lifestyle as college athletes…
On the “Trojan gift fairy”, who they are seeking…
Along with the “real” killers of Nicole Brown Simpson…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: In case you haven’t heard….
Coach Pete Carroll of the Southern California Trojans is releasing a book….
Called….
“Winning Forever”

It is my understanding that the book describes how to funnel money to players, while turning a blind eye and keeping those pesky ole NCAA investigators at bay.

I hear it has a lot of “How To” pictures…

ARIZONIA STATE: This past week the former head football coach of the Sun Devils Bruce Snyder passed away. His twenty year career as a college football coach included an unbeaten season at Arizona State…

He will forever cast a long shadow in the Valley of the Sun…

WEST POINT:
He was known as “Mr. Inside”…
Doc…
and as the 1945 Heisman Trophy winner…
But Felix “Doc” Blanchard was more than that…

Nobody will argue that he was one of the finest college football players ever..
The bruising fullback was listed at 6 feet 208 pounds..
He and Glennn Davis, aka Mr. Outside, helped Army win consecutive National Titles in 1944-45.

But my favorite quote about Doc comes from none other than Notre Dame coach Ed McKeever who was quoted as saying about Blanchard in 1944…
“I’ve just seen Superman in the flesh….
He wears number 35 and goes by the name of Blanchard.”

Drafted in the third round by the Pittsburgh Steelers…
Doc never played a down….
He ended up serving a long career as a fighter pilot in the Air Force.
Flying combat missions in the Korean and Vietnam wars…

We will not see another player like him pass this way again…

RTR
MEB

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator is Back!

Before we catch up on lost times…..
I want to thank you all for your kind words in response to my article about Charlie.

I cannot begin to tell you how good it was to see him when I returned.
Simply put: Charlie is “The Man”.

I also want to thank you for your emails and all the prayers while I was deployed.

I greatly appreciate it and will never forget your kindness.

We have a lot to catch up on my friends, so let’s get started.
In case you were wondering, I missed you all too.

Enjoy your update!

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS (REWIND)

 At my age it’s comforting to know that some things don’t change…..
For example…
Coach Rod’s wife still looks like a ten dollar hooker and Kenny Chesney is still the Elton John of country music (Minus the classic music and talent). But there will always be those events that shock and amaze you and not always in a good way.
So, forgive me as we look back at the 2008 college football season and then catch up on a few email questions and answers. 

THE GOOD

FLORIDA: As the Mighty Gator Nation “may” recall….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator picked you to win the BCS Championship back on August 9^th.

EDITORS NOTE: No need to thank me, it’s what I do.

ALABAMA: An undefeated regular season….I didn’t see that one coming.

EDITORS NOTE: But I enjoyed it (immensely) from afar.

NEBRASKA: I told you Coach Bo would bring the Huskers back….
Congratulations on a winning season and bowl victory.

EDITORS NOTE: There are a lot more wins to come, believe me Husker Fans.

PENN STATE: Congratulations on the Big Eleven…I mean Ten Championship.

EDITORS NOTE: Glad you are feeling better Joe, we missed you on the sidelines.

CLEMSON: As I recall, the last time the Tigers had a former Alabama player as a Coach you won the National Championship.

Congratulations on a great choice.

OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes will be stronger this year than ever. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Yes, before you ask; that also means another win over Michigan.

FLORIDA STATE: GREAT NEWS! Coach Bobby has agreed to be cryogenically frozen and coach from the comfort of his liquid nitrogen encased stainless steel container through the year 2120!

 GEORGIA: How Bout them DAWGS!

THE BAD

UTAH: When I am wrong, I admit it.

I picked the Ute’s last year in the “Pre Season Extravaganza” as…

“Pretenders”….

I couldn’t have been more wrong……

EDITORS NOTE: I know what a “Ute” is now.
It’s something that ruined my Sugar fix on 2 January 2009.

TEXAS: Great season and a tremendous Bowl win….
But let me put this gently….

Between the Heisman Ceremony and the BCS Committee..
You all must feel like Jodie Foster in “The Accused”

 The Longhorns should have been playing the Mighty Gators….

OREGON STATE: Damn It

MISSISSIPPI STATE: I hate Coach Croom left…I really do.

MICHIGAN: You had a chance to get Les Miles, but you all wouldn’t listen to me.
The Wolverines misery won’t end with 2008…Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: I bet you all thought I was going to say something about Coach Rod’s wife, didn’t you.

 That will come later in the week….

TEXAS A&M: I still have R.C. Slocum’s cell phone number; you want it?

OKLAHOMA: Losing two games in a season would warrant raises and parades in most places.
But Norman Oklahoma isn’t “most” places.
The Sooner’s better crank it up a notch or two…

The natives are getting restless….

THE UGLY

NCAA: SOOOoooooooooooooooo

You have the time and resources to investigate everybody from the University of New Mexico to Florida State, but you can’t seem to find Reggie Bush’s Momma’s address?

 So just tell us this….

Who have you sold out to?
Was it the ABC network and ESPN?

That 350 Million dollar contract to broadcast PAC 10 football games lined your pockets nicely…..

Was it Adidas?
They really know how to reward an organization for keeping their “Star” endorsement out of trouble.

Or is it that the NCAA is just that corrupt and blind in its favoritism?

Enquiring minds want to know….

EDITORS NOTE: Just for the record, “No”, I will not give this up until I take my last dying breath.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously, shouldn’t you all be on probation by now?

TENNESSEE: So Fat Phil renegotiated his contract with a “healthy” buy out clause months before he gets canned….How convenient.

EDITORS NOTE: I want to thank the administration and the athletic department at the University of Tennessee…
For hiring a new football coach that is easy to make fun of.

NOTRE DAME: On the subject of “healthy” contract buyouts…
Unless the Irish purchase Fort Knox they won’t get Uncle Charlie out of South Bend anytime soon.

 AUBURN: So “Ears” Tubberville took flight and took his high finger salute with him.

 Don’t let the door knob hit you on the back of the head on the way out the door…

 EDITORS NOTE: No wait, that joke was intended for Terry Bowden…
Never mind, it’s still funny.

PAC 10 Conference: Is “Choke” the Official Drink of your Conference?
Just wondering…….

 BCS Committee: As a Safety Tip: You all may not want to vacation in Texas anytime in the foreseeable future.

EMAIL Q&A

 Q: Mike “Welcome back Dude!” Hey I have to ask….
Did you see anything crazy during Mardi Gras when you were in the Middle East? Thanks and Welcome Back!
Trey – Baton Rouge, Louisiana

 A: Thanks Trey; and I know what you really want to know.
Mardi Gras in the Middle East has plenty of T & A……Toes and Ankles.

 Q: Mike, my family and I LOVE the television game show “Jeopardy”!
We watch it religiously!
My question is: Why isn’t there a program on television for college football with the format of Jeopardy?
I think it would be AWESOME!
What do you think?
The Kowalski Family – Madison, Wisconsin

 A: My powers of Prognostication do not extend to programs such as Jeopardy.
Case in point…..
I remember the last time I saw “Jeopardy”.
Alex said:”A Rhino, a Unicorn and Chuck Mangione.”

I would have said….”Three things I don’t want drunk and loose in my house”
See what I mean?

Q: I read something about a Tennessee football player suing a large food manufacture?
Do you have any information on that and by the way welcome home.
Stan – Athens, Georgia

A: Thanks Stan, I appreciate it.
It’s true; a “number” of Tennessee football players are involved in a “class” action lawsuit against Banquet Food Corporation for “False Advertisement”.

It seems their complaint is specifically against the “Banquet Pot Pie”.
The Tennessee football players cited…
 “They were hard to light and didn’t give us the buzz we were expecting”.

Q: Mike we are all really excited here in Minnesota about the upcoming 2009 College Football Season! Go Gophers!
The students here are trying to come up with a new catch phrase to get people excited about our state and Golden Gopher football in 2009!
Do you have any ideas that may help us out?
Thanks!
Tiffany – Saint Paul, Minnesota

A: How does this grab you….
“Ever Vigilant Minnesota: Keeping Canada at bay since 1873”

Q: Mike I have a simple question.
Why the hell didn’t Colt McCoy win the Heisman trophy last year?
Troy – Bangs, Texas 

A: Good question Troy and I have a simple answer for you.
The Heisman Trophy ceremony is televised by ESPN, which is owned by ABC.
ABC televised the BCS Championship last year.
How did they start promoting the game before the Heisman Trophy was awarded?

The first game between “two” Heisman Trophy winners….
See where this is going? Glad I could help.

Q: Mike where has Hootie Snitch been since you have been deployed?
We were looking forward (in a weird kind of way) to his updates in your absence.
Was he deployed on the Global War on Terror Too?
Dave – Little Creek, Virginia

A: I guess you could say Hootie was “technically” deployed.
By “deployed” I mean ordered to the county work farm after he was convicted of stalking the select committee at the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum.

If nothing else he is determined to get his mamma on the ballot for the 2009 inductees.
Hootie will be released back into the wild (appropriately) on April 1^st.

 If you get a chance, cast your ballot for Rowena Ratt Snitch at…..

 http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org/

Tell them Phil Fulmer sent you…..

Q: Mike, I just have to ask…
Are you going to write a book about your adventures?
Thanks!
Holly – Biloxi, Mississippi

A: Thank you for asking Holly.
I am in the process of writing a historical biography.

“It Sucks to be You” – The Genghis Khan Story

Q: Mike in all your world travels,…
Is there anything that you want to share with us that could broaden our horizons…
and possibly enrich our lives on planet earth?
Salantra – Pasadena, California

A: Note to self: Never put Chap Stick on in the men’s room of a bad ass biker bar.

 It sends the wrong message – that’s all I’m saying.

Q: Mike I have a question that has bothered me for some time.
Should we really be involved in the toppling of dictators and the crushing of evil empires?
James – Cave City, Kentucky

A: I believe if we want to fight tyranny….
and dispose of a dictator and an evil regime….
 We should start with Miles Brand and the NCAA in Indianapolis Indiana.

College Football News and Views will be out later in the week.

Have a GREAT Week….

 RTR

MEB

What a weekend in College Football……

Despite being a dismal 31 and 10 (76%) I was the ONLY College Football Prognosticator in the Country that Picked the Mighty Longhorns over the Boomer Sooners of Oklahoma…

EDITORS NOTE: I greatly appreciate my Longhorn Fans…
However I will NOT be a candidate for Governor of the Lonestar State Next Year…

Despite the FACT my opponent hates Christmas, Children and Darrell Royal…
“I am Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator and I approved this message…”

Also…..
Picked LSU to fall to the Gators of Florida…
AND said to the Missouri Tigers…
“The Cowboys are closer than they appear in your rearview mirror…”

But I should have listened to Lee and Bulldog Jim…
They tried to tell me…
Those Mississippi State Bulldogs had the Commodores number in Starkville…
Great Job Guys…
I will pay closer attention next time..

Let’s take a look at “The Weekend That was” in College Football…..

Enjoy!

TEXAS: The Longhorns have a Colt that is nothing short of a thoroughbred…
GREAT win over a CLASS Sooner Team…

MISSOURI: I have a suggestion….
MAYBE if your Quarterback Chase Daniel had spent less time this past week complaining about “last” weeks win over Nebraska and getting a “really cool” haircut and spent MORE time studying the Oklahoma State defense MAYBE you all would be Number One this week…
Dumbass….

FLORIDA: I do believe Superman does wear Tim Tebow pajamas…..

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Never should have doubted Coach Croom and those Bulldogs…

NOTE TO SELF: Shouldn’t have doubted Lee and Bulldog Jim either….

KENTUCKY: What is the Deal?
You give Alabama ALL they can handle and then you lose to Carolina?

What gives?

PENN STATE: Wow…..

Talk about “Cutting the Cheese….”

EDITORS NOTE: Yes, I am that easily amused….

IVY LEAGUE: You all STILL Suck…

CLEMSON: To Coach Tommy….
I Told you so…..

To My Tiger Family…
Have NO Fear My Beloved Tiger Friends and Family….
You all are about to get a REAL Football Coach…

Believe it.

AUBURN: Whose ass you gonna “Fire” this Week Ears?

That whole being an arrogant ass thing isn’t alot of fun when you lose, is it?

ARKANSAS: Congratulations and thank you for making my weekend complete…

TENNESSEE: I find it curious that “Big Orange” Fans are mad as hell that they are losing…
Why?
Because you all weren’t upset when a Vol Player raped a mentally handicapped underage girl in the athletic dorm?
And got away with it…

You all weren’t mad when the punter had five DUI’s…
And got away with it…

You didn’t blink an eye when your defensive lineman attacked a student that he outweighted by nearly 200 pounds and disfigured him….
And got away with it…

There are A LOT more stories like that…
ARE you upset about those?

Where you upset with the lack of disciple on the Fat Mans Team?

Or was Winning More Important…
More Important that ANYTHING…

GOT to Beat Florida…
GOT to Beat Bama…
At any cost…

Shame on you….

TENNESSEE (PART II): I just can’t resist….

How is that having the LARGEST recruiting budget in the ENTIRE Nation thing working out for you?

I mean really…
Did you have to go ALL the way to San Diego California to find a Running Back with “Fumble-itis”?

Just wondering….

MICHIGAN: You lost to Toledo….

Enough said…..

MICHIGAN (PART II): Look at the bright side Coach Rod….

Your Wife still has “Rock of Love III” with Bret Michaels….

EAST CAROLINA: What the Hell?

Did you all just quit playing football or what?

GEORGIA: I want to take a moment to say Good-Bye to the GREAT Larry Munson…

He has been the voice of the Georgia Bulldogs for as long as I can remember…

I will miss the sound of his voice..
Knowing he is there, even if I am not listening to him…

Hearing him say…

“HUNKER DOWN DAWGS!”

“RUN YOU SILVER BRITCHES!”

Or…….

“Loran Whattayagot?”

My Favorite Larry Munson Quotes…..

“Hunker down, you guys!…I know I’m asking a lot, but hunker down one more time!”
- In a defensive  series late in the game against Auburn in 1982, which clinched the SEC title for Georgia

“My God Almighty, he ran right through two men! Herschel ran right over two men! They had him dead away inside the 9. Herschel Walker went 16 yards. He drove right over those orange shirts and is just  driving and running with those big thighs. My God, a freshman!”
- Calling Herschel Walker’s first touchdown run against the Tennessee Volunteers in 1980.

“So we’ll try to kick one a hundred thousand miles. We’re holding it on our own 49-and-a-half … gonna  try to kick it sixty yards plus a foot-and-a-half … and Butler kicked a long one … a long one … Oh my God! Oh my God! … The stadium is worse than bonkers!”
- Calling Kevin Butler’s field goal in the final seconds to win over Clemson in 1984

“They’re beating us like we’re Maryland or Wake Forest or somebody”
- Calling the loss against Georgia  Tech in 2000.

“We just stepped on their face with a hob-nailed boot and broke their nose! We just crushed their face!” – Calling Georgia’s last-second win over Tennessee in 2001

“Touchdown! Oh, God, a touchdown!”
- Calling David Greene’s touchdown pass to Michael Johnson as Georgia defeated Auburn in 2002, clinching the Bulldogs’ first-ever SEC Eastern Division championship

Enjoy Your retirement Larry….

It won’t be the same without you…

HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS!

RTR
MEB

It appears that I struck a nerve with a large number of Southern California Trojan Fans with my “Sunday Rewind” article yesterday.

Good….

The funny thing is that out of the nearly eighty emails I received; nobody wanted to challenge my facts concerning the Southern California Football Program….

Instead the Trojan fans resorted to name calling….
For example…..

“Why don’t you just let the Reggie Bush thing go #^&%$? He ain’t done nothing wrong Bro!”

From – TrojanChamps2008

“You sound like a typical southern raciest…USC rocks and you can’t stand it!”

From – SoCalGal2010

EDITORS NOTE: What is it about being from the South that makes yankees and liberal weenies think they have the right to call us ugly names?

“Dude you so out of line, &*^% you! Leave brother Reggie and them Trojans alone!”

From – Tro-Jamal12

It seems to me that some Southern California Trojan Football Fans want my undivided attention…..

Congratulations…You got it.

This week, along with the usual College Football Picks..
I will have a “Special” Southern California Trojan Addition…….

Be careful what you wish for….

Now on to this weeks “Monday Morning Quarterback”….

SATURDAY QUOTES

“Anybody can have a bad century….”

- Kansas Coach Mark Mangino when asked why the Jayhawks have only recently become a contender in the Big 12 Conference

STRANGE FACTS KNOWN BY FEW…..

Slightly off the College Football Subject…..
As you all know from time to time, I like to share deep thoughts of knowledge with my beloved readers….
Pearls of wisdom, if you will…
Enjoy….

A man shouldn’t act tough if he has a Richard Simmons Tattoo on his arm….

If you listen to Phil Collins sing “Sussudio” backwards it will encourage you to kill Michael Jackson…

The “K.C” in K.C. and the Sunshine Band Fame doesn’t stand for “Kansas City”….
Who Knew?

It is impossible to MapQuest “Funky Town”….

EDITORS NOTE: I still believe the above to be in Mississippi…

TEAM NEWS

ARIZONA & ARIZONA STATE: I believe you all are all sand and no beach.

EDITORS NOTE: Not quite sure what that is suppose to mean, but it came to me today in a meeting and I thought it sounded profound.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Bad Dogs….

NCAA: Would it be too much to ask as to what the status of the Reggie Bush – Southern California Trojan Investigation is? I mean this thing has been going on for what, three years?

PAC 10 CONFERENCE: See “NCAA” Above…

TEMPLE: My God! I finally pick you idiots and you lose….I don’t normally need any help to be made to look stupid…but thanks.

MARYLAND: It was the threat of the Slim Whitman albums wasn’t it?
No need to thank me…..

SOUTH FLORIDA: When the sun goes down in Raymond James Stadium, I believe the Bulls can beat anybody…..

MICHIGAN: Told you so…..

DUKE: You Beat Navy…and Hell didn’t freeze over….
But it did have one heck of a frost….

GEORGIA: HOW Bout Them DAWGS!

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike I enjoyed your Sunday piece on the National Media’s “Love Fest” with the Southern California Trojan Football team. Not to overlook the 350 Million Dollar Contract the PAC 10 has with ESPN to broadcast football games..Which you exposed! But do you think the national media is influenced by television sponsorship(s) and commercials?
Thanks!
“Doc” – Odessa, Texas
A: Thanks Doc…Before I answer your email: “How Bout them Mojo’s?”
I wouldn’t disagree with your point concerning the “entire” ESPN-ABC network package covering PAC 10 Football games and the football flagship university of that Conference: The U$C Trojans…

Lucky for my beloved readers that I am above such influence…
For example….
As I was preparing for a day of College Football last Saturday…
I fired up my WEBER Charcoal Grill…
That ALWAYS provides a nice even heat for grilling and smoking…

And I realized I needed more KINGSFORD Charcoal…
The KING of all Charcoal….

So, I got in my beautiful FORD TAURUS….
That provided a smooth comfortable ride to the grocery store (that I cannot yet name until a deal has been reached for a limited sponsorship….)

Came back home and opened an ice cold Budweiser, which as we all should know by now…
IS the KING of Beers….

The Perfect Combinations for a Football Saturday….

 
Q: I know this is a crazy question! But do you like The Three Stooges?
Thanks Mike!
Grayson – Beaufort, South Carolina
A: By “The Three Stooges”; do you mean the ABC College Football Commentator Trio of Bob Griese, Brad Nessler and Paul McGuire?
Then “NO”…
But if you are referring to Larry, Moe and Curley…then “YES”

Q: Mike I lost a bet at work, so I have to ask you.
Is there a reason why they always show Brent Musburger from the waist up?
Charlie – Richmond, Virginia
A: Yes there is a good reason Charlie…
College Football is a family program…

So the Network is trying to prevent the audience from noticing that Brent Musburger is in fact…
A Syphilitic Liver spotted Hermaphrodite troll….

Hope that helped…..

Stay Tuned…..More later in the Week.

RTR
MEB