Ladies and Gentlemen -

Before we get into Saturday’s Picks I have to say…

I am still mad about last night……

I am One and Two on Thursday night (again)?

DAMN it….

This is the reason my average has fallen faster than the stock market the last two weeks…

As you know I was a disappointing 30 and 15 (76%) last week…

Which leaves me at an embarrassing 202 and 51 for the season or 80%.

Hold on for a minute…..

I just said thirty “Hail Bryants”…..
Now I feel better…

Enjoy Your Picks!

 

College Football NEWS and VIEWS

HAWAII: This message is for Rainbow Head Coach Greg McMackin…
YOU “demoted” Coach Brian Kajiyama?
Shame on you…

NOW I am really glad you are losing…

YOU do not deserve to live in the same state as “Dog the Bounty Hunter”…
I love those guys…

 

TENNESSEE: I recall the NCAA’s “Big Fat Secret Witness” had this to say about “Why he had a problem with the University of Alabama”….

“That University (Alabama) is recruiting in my backyard (Memphis), and I have to question why anyone would leave MY state for another school…”

- Fat Phil Fulmer (Also Known as the NCAA’s “Secret Witness”)

Really?

Well, somebody better alert the Fat Man because the Miami Hurricanes have gotten some key players out of his backyard under the shadow of his ever expanding ass….

From Memphis too……

Running Back…Graig Cooper
Corner Back…Carlos Armour
Offensive Line….Tyler Horn

 Let’s cut to the chase shall we?

Are you Tennessee Vol fans EVER going to be embarrassed by this gibbering jackass’s behavior?

Have you all sold your soul’s for a win?

Just wondering….

 

VANDERBILT: IF you beat Auburn this Saturday Night…
You all will be 5 and 0 for the first time since 1943…..

I am a Believer…..

 

CLEMSON: My Tiger Family…I have GOOD news.

This is how it’s going to work…

Dumbass Tommy’s Contract will be bought out by the end of the year…

Your “New” Coach?

Meet Coach Johnson of Vanderbilt…

He IS a Clemson Man…

and will be Your Football Coach in 2009…

Believe it…

 

NCAA: Seriously, when can we expect to hear about the “Investigation” into Reggie Bu$h and the $outhern California Trojan$?

In the words of Duane “Dog” Chapman…

“I will not give this up until I take my last dying breath”

 

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder if people that “Google” Reggie Bu$h or the $outhern California Trojan$ ever get tired of seeing the Ole CFBWIZARD pop up…

 

NCAA (PART II): Has Fat Phil called you all yet about the Miami Hurricanes recruiting in Memphis?

 

MIAMI (FL): “IF” you happen to see what appears to be an overweight Manatee hiding in the bushes on the Hurrcane campus wearing a “Big Orange” T-shirt…

That smells like ass and potted meat…

Don’t worry…
OR call the Animal Control folks….

It’s just Fat Phil Fulmer conducting another “Investigation” for the NCAA….

 

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA: YOU jackasses aren’t on probation or “Looking down the barrel of the Death Penalty” YET?

Really?

I guess that only applies to “Real” Southern Schools…

 

ESPN: How much longer must we be held hostage to the halftime segment entitled…”Dr. Lou”?

Why we must we be subjected to listening to a 140 pound Tom Turkey spit and slur during the entire halftime?

Lou sounds like Slyvester the Cat after a three day drinking binge….

 

ESPN (PART II): Everytime I hear Pam Ward talk…

I die…

Just a little bit…

Inside…

PLEASE make her STOP!

 

ESPN (PART III): SOOOOOooooooooooo….

You all really don’t want to talk about the NCAA and PAC 10 “Investigation” into Reggie Bu$H and the Univer$ity of $outhern California Trojan$?

You do know I am going to bug the hell out of you and talk trash until you do?

Right?

Just so we understand each other…

 

HASKELL INDIAN NATIONS UNIVERSITY: For the first time in almost 75 years the university is re-introducing football on campus….

Why is this important?

Before this Country’s GREATIST athlete enrolled at Carlisle Indian School….

Jim Thorpe played football at Haskell Prep…..

That football field IS sacred ground…

Good Luck this weekend Boys!

 

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, what is your “Problem” with “everything” California?
Juniper - San Diego, California
A: Because you all suck…

I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding…

Q: I have a question for you…
Why do they call Pittsburg State the “Gorillas”?
Thanks!
Chuck - Abilene, KS
A: Have you ever seen their Cheerleaders?

I rest my case….

Q: Hey, I got me a question!
My sister has what the doctor calls “Web” feet.
Does that mean if we hook her up to a computer, that
We is gettin our own “Web”-”site”?
GO VOLS
Stu - Pikeville, Tennessee
A: So Stu…
How close do you live to the Nuclear Power Plant?

Just wondering…

Q: Seriously Mike…
How old is Bobby Bowden?
Thanks!!
Tommy - Blacksburg, Virginia
A: Tommy…
When Bobby Bowden was born…
They hadn’t even invented dirt yet…

 

THE GAMES

Saturday October 4th

Penn State at Purdue
I would sooner doubt John Wayne than second guess Jo Pa…
JO PA’S LIONS 34-17

Duke at Georgia Tech
This is an imperfect world we live in….
Or…
They would BOTH Lose…
YELLOW JACKETS 31-23

Iowa at Michigan State
I like that Spartan Running Back…
That Ringer kid is a Class act…
CALL THE SPARTANS 23-14

Indiana at Minnesota
Gophers and Homers?
This is what I have to choose from?
Where is David Hasselhoff when you really need him?
OOOO SO GOLDEN GOPHERS 23-17

Boston College at North Carolina State
Not that it fits here….
But did you all know…
That a Boston accent is one of the VERY Best Birth Control devices known to mankind?
EAGLES 24-21

Rutgers at West Virginia
The folks from New Jersey (Pronounced: Newww Jorseee) are introduced to what is commonly referred to as:
A Mountain Ass Whoppin…
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

Akron at Kent State
What a choice I have here…
Zippers or Protesting Wusseys…
I would rather watch monkeys sling poop for three hours…
ZIPPERS 23-10

Oklahoma at Baylor
This game is going to be uglier than my sister-in-law’s Prom Night…
“With” Power Blue Eye Shadow…
(Sorry for the Visual…)
BOOMER SOONER 38-13

Florida at Arkansas
There are few things in this world as mean as a wounded Gator…

Well…
That and my sister-in-law with a Hang Over…

Never mind…
It’s kind of the Same thing…
MIGHTY GATORS 43-10

Kansas at Iowa State
The Cyclones don’t have enough wind to make a popcorn fart…
HAWKS of JAY 33-17

Alcorn State at New Mexico State
Somebody really named their school after Al’s Bunion?
That is just disgusting…
AGGIES 34-14

EDITORS NOTE: Bring back “Pistol Pete”…..
I am NOT Kidding!

Western Kentucky at Virginia Tech
You say “Hill Toppers”…
I say……
“Turkey Feed”
HOKIES 33-10

UNLV at Colorado State
You know what they say?
What happens in Vegas…
Usually gets cured in the Doctors office in about ten to fourteen working days…
REBELS 28-20

South Carolina at Ole Miss
Forget about last week…
It’s a new day…..
GAMECOCKS 31-28

Stanford at Notre Dame
EVERYBODY in the Country Picked the IRISH last week…
TO LOSE…
BUT Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator..
No Need to thank me…
FIGHTING IRISH 28-17

Army at Tulane
Dare I pick the once proud Black Knights of the Hudson?
NOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo!
GREEN WAVE 24-14

Kentucky at Alabama
I love my Big Blue Fans…
There are no better fans on the planet…
SO I will keep this one simple…
CRIMSON TIDE 34-17

Texas Tech at Kansas State
Do you know what time it is?
It’s TIME to get those GUNS UP RED RAIDERS!
RED RAIDERS 38-20

Mars Hill at Carson Newman
You know we have a screwed up immigration policy when People from “Mars” have their own college…
SPARK’S EAGLES 38-10

Illinois at Michigan
It’s October…..
Which means it’s too close to Halloween…
To go against the Fighting Pumpkins…
ZOOK’S PUMPKINS 31-21

 
Arizona State at California
You may call me “crazy”….
So did that “know it all” Doctor…
SUN DEVILS 24-23

Southern Methodist at Central Florida
Say it with me…
MIGHTY..MIGHTY…
MUSTANGS! 33-31

Florida State at Miami (FL)
The Good News?
Coach Bobby thinks he is meeting Woodrow Wilson and getting an award for “discovering” Sea Monkeys…
The Bad News?
It’s STILL Hurricane Season…
CANES 33-17

Navy at Air Force
Didn’t the “Village People” have a Sailor in the “group”?
That’s what I thought…
FALCONS 38-24

Nevada at Idaho
When I hear or read about Idaho I don’t think about football or potatoes..
I remember that girl “Ida” from High School…
She had a rather “progressive view of morals” for her time…
Forget I mentioned it…
WOLFPACK 28-24

Auburn at Vanderbilt
I am not sure I believe it myself…
But I am a Believer….
COMMODORES 17-16

San Diego State at Texas Christian
Didn’t the Aztec’s Kill the Baby Seals?
I learned that from a southern California History Teacher..
HORNED FROGS 38-10

Connecticut at North Carolina
Did you see the Tar Heels play last weekend?
My point exactly…..
TAR HEELS 24-17

Texas A&M at Oklahoma State
My favorite movie of all time?
After “Lonesome Dove”?
John Wayne: The Cowboys.
Enough said…
COWBOY UP! 27-10

Maryland at Virginia
I will not doubt the POWER of the NINJA turtles…
Again…
NINJA TURTLES 38-13

UTEP at Southern MIss
I will let you all in on a little “secret” to picking the games…
UTEP is in El Paso…
Southern Miss is in Hattiesburg Mississippi…
El Paso smells like a used urinal cake…

Hattiesburg smells like heaven…

That’s how it’s done…
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-17

Northern Illinois at Tennessee
By the time the Knoxghanistan Newspaper gets finished writing about this game….
You will think the Vowels beat the damn New England Patriots…
Enjoy it while you can…

YOU all got the Big DAWGS next week….
VOWELS 43-17

Ball State at Toledo
Have I mentioned that David Letterman went to Ball State?
Well, so did one of the best looking women in South Carolina…
So there…
CARDINALS 34-24

Washington at Arizona
I would LOVE to watch this game…
Really I would…
But there is a “special” about Gary Coleman on Vh1 “Behind the Music”…
I wish he would write a song called “What’ Ch-U Talking about Willis”..
Sometimes I wish for too much…
WILDCATS 6-3

Oregon at U$C
In a “Perfect World”?
They would BOTH lose….
By A lot…
TROJAN$ 3-2

Texas at Colorado
What is the first thing I think about when I wake up?
I Remember the Alamo…
HOOK EM HORNS 38-14

Ohio State at Wisconsin
This is the Game of the Week….
The “National Sports Media” believes the Badgers will win this game….
Thank God you all have me…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 27-23

Rice at Tulsa
I LOVE Rice Pudding….
But (Like I said) it is STILL Hurricane season….
GOLDEN HURRICANES 24-23

EDITORS NOTE: Sorry…that just sounded nasty.

Missouri at Nebraska
Coach Bo will keep this closer than you think….
Keep the faith my Black Shirt Faithful….
The Huskers ARE on their way back…
MO’S TIGERS 34-23

Wyoming at New Mexico
I hate picking the Low Blows….
It’s the same feeling you get when you order something from Tony Little…
LOW BLOWS 13-7

Hawaii at Fresno State
For those that are hearing impaired…..
Let me repeat the earlier statement concerning Hawaii Warrior Football….

This message is for Rainbow Head Coach Greg McMackin…
YOU “demoted” Coach Brian Kajiyama?
Shame on you…

YOU do not deserve to live in the same state as “Dog the Bounty Hunter”…
I really do love THOSE guys…
BULLDOGS 34-17

 Washington State at UCLA
I have to change the dirt out of my ant farm or I would watch this game…
Really….
BRUINS 23-17

Enjoy your Games!

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

You didn’t really think I was going to leave you hanging did you?

I would hope not!
I thought we knew one another better than that.

But before we launch into the final installment of Your Week 3 College Football Picks…..
Have I mentioned that last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 52 and 5 or a rather impressive 91%?

Well, did I mention that in the last two weeks I have been 105 and 16 at a rather respectable 87%?

The only reason I mention it (other than openly bragging of course) is because in the flash of an instant….
A missed extra point….here
One dropped pass….there
A single PAC 10 referee….anywhere
AND…..

That rather impressive 91% (and it is impressive; is it not?)
Stop it! You all embarrassing me!
Is a disappointing 19% and leaving me, wishing I was dyslexic…

Enough about me…
That is unless you want to hear MORE about how I got 91% of the games last week after starting out 0 and 2…
O.K….there I was….

Never mind….we don’t have time for this now.
Let’s get to the games…

Enjoy Your Picks!

College Football News and Views

HURRICANE IKE: I don’t know what you still have against Tina, but you need to let this go…
And let my people play football…..

WEST POINT: My Lord…The Black Knights of the Hudson lost to New Hampshire…
I didn’t even know the folks in ‘Hampshire (Pronounced: HAM-shhh-iir) had a football team…
It’s just sad…

MARYLAND: While we are on the subject of Breakdowns”…
Last week the Ninja Turtles lost to Alphabet U….
What have the Fightn Turtles been using for motivation, Slim Whitman albums?

ARKANSAS: The Razorbacks came within a buffalo fart of losing last weeks HOME game to the University of Louisiana “Monroe”….
Coach P, you will be G-O-N-E  if you let that happen one too many times…

ESPN: Last week ESPN’s “Newest” studio talking bobblehead doll David Lloyd, which looks more like a blonde headed troll……
Proclaimed….
“The Oregon State Beavers WILL beat Penn State, because Jo Pa and the Nittany Lions are a team in confusion”…….

Three hours later…
Penn State 45
Oregon State 14

 

Good call dumbass…
Just what we need on ESPN…
More Idiots running their mouths when the network SHOULD be showing us the College Marching Bands at halftime….

 

ESPN II: It is my belief that if Pam Ward’s voice was broadcast in Iraq and Afghanistan the fighting in those areas would stop….
Why?
Because they would be afraid if they didn’t stop fighting..
We would turn up the volume…

 

EMAIL Questions And Answers

Q: Mike, why do you ridicule the Oregon Duck Mascot?
Chad - Eugene, Oregon
A: Simple Chad; If Liberace had a Dream….
It would be about the Oregon Duck Mascot…
Clear that one up for you?

Q: Dear Sir; I am OUTRAGED by the email earlier this week from the “teacher” in California!
Everone knows that Abraham Lincoln freed the Aztecs, Eskimos and African Americans immediately after white southerners bombed Pearl Harbor and Davy Crockett and the U.S. 7th Cavalry sank the Titanic…
The Folks in California Need to Get their History straight!
Phillis - Albany, New York
A: I just LOVE modern History….

Q: I know you can’t say nothing, being at Leavenworth and all.
But are you training for some of that Gorilla warfare?
Stanley - Ringgold, Georgia
A: I want to go on the record:
No, I will not be wrestling or otherwise fighting my sister-in-law.
That is what you meant, right?

 

THE GAMES

Saturday, September 13th

Louisiana Lafayette at Illinois
Ole Lafayette might have been big cheese in the War of 1776…
But these are the Fighting Pumpkins!
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 33-14

EDITORS NOTE: Please no emails this week from “enlightened” educators on how Fighting Pumpkins led by General Lafayette defeated the Klingon’s at the Battle of the Bulge..
Thank you…

Southern Illinois at Northwestern
There are a lot directions in this one….
This game is a Rand McNally Dream…
WILDCATS 28-23

California at Maryland
I cannot believe I am doing this…
BEARS 34-17

Florida Atlantic at Michigan State
I am trying to be more “Culturally Sensitive” so instead of watching this game I am going to watch a program about “Ramadan Andy”…
Kind of like the Muslim version of Santa Claus or Hanukka Harry…
Never Mind…
SPARTANS 38-17

Montana State at Minnesota
Have I not told you that everything in Boseman Sucks?
That goes for the Bobcats too….
O’ SO GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-23

Navy at Duke
People Can’t you see?
If the Blue Devils win this game…

Then the Terrorist win!
MIDSHIPMEN 24-21

North Carolina State at Clemson
Have no fear my beloved Clemson Family…
The Big Cats are Hungry….
TOMMY’S TIGERS 34-14

Temple at Buffalo
Even I cannot believe that I am actually picking Temple…
HELL HAS FROZEN OVER 23-17

Iowa State at Iowa
Anytime I see “Iowa” something…
I always think of…
My Favorite line from a movie…
“IS this Heaven?”

“Yes, but we like to call it Tuscaloosa…”

EYE of the HAWK 33-23

EDITORS NOTE: The above is NOT to be confused with “Eye of the Tiger”

Nevada at Missouri
Believe me….
MO Knows Football…
MO’s TIGERS 43-10

UAB at Tennessee
Coach Phil finally beats a team from Alabama….
Film at Eleven…
VOWELS 34-10

East Carolina at Tulane
What has the world come to when I am picking Lou “Gobble-Gobble” Holtz’s son…
PIRATES 28-17

Georgia at South Carolina
The Gamecocks can’t keep their players out of trouble…
Or the Bulldogs out of the endzone….
BIG BAD DAWGS 33-14

EDITORS NOTE: We all know that John Saunders from ABC College Sports hates anything associated with the South….
So this one is for his dumbass..
HOW BOUT THEM BAD ASS DAWGS!!!!!!!!

 
UCLA at Brigham Young
I would love to watch this but David Hasselhoff is wrestling an Anteater on “America’s Got Talent”
I have my priorities….
BRUINS 31-28

 
Oregon at Purdue
This game will be known more for the two most disturbing mascots in all of College Football than the actual contest…
And for good reason…
QUACKS 3-2

Penn State at Syracuse
The “Orange” will get Juiced….
Believe it….
JO PA’S LIONS 38-13

Michigan at Notre Dame
Dear God….
Can’t they “Both” Lose?
FIGHTING IRISH 24-21

Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech
If the Hokies want to beat the 2 and 0 Yellow Jackets they better get that Big Wang on the Field.
HOKIES 23-20

EDITORS NOTE: You are probably asking yourself…”Is he that easily amused over “Wang” Jokes?
The answer is, “yes” I am…

Chattanooga at Florida State
What’s wrong Bobby?
The Fort Myers Shuffleboard League not available?
SEMINOLES 43-0

Hawaii at Oregon State
I think I speak for all of us when I say…
Thank Goodness “Dog The Bounty Hunter” is back on the air…
BEAVERS 33-28

Auburn at Mississippi State
A Good Ole fashioned Fight Between Cats and Dogs…
This one could go either way…..
TOMMY’s TIGERS 21-17

Southern Methodist at Texas Tech
My Once Proud Ponies will be beaten like rented Mules in this one…
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS! 43-17

Western Kentucky at Alabama
Sweet Home Alabama…..
ROLL TIDE ROLL 34-16

MTSU at Kentucky
I was just thinking about him this morning…
I know this isn’t his sport…
But this one is for “Mr. Wildcat”…
WILDCATS 31-17

Juniata at Susquehanna
Sorry, this segment is for my other Blog…
“When Mexican Girls Attack”..
But if I was betting I would take Juniata…
That girl is tough…

Rensselaer at Endicott College
What is wrong with me today?
As you can see, this entry of fungus and warts belong in my medical blog..
“Turn your head and Cough with Dr.Mike”
Sorry….

Samford at Mississippi
I never knew Fred Samford had a college?
There must be alot of money in that ole Junk…
I wonder if Lamont is the President?
Never mind….
REBELS 43-10

New Mexico State at Nebraska
The Children of the Corn will be very happy…
HUSKERS 43-17

EDITORS NOTE: I like the Aggies but cannot support the change in mascot to Lasso Larry…
Give Pete back his six guns for Gods Sake!
Before you ask…No I will not give that up…

Rice at Vanderbilt
Will the Commodores start the season at 3 and 0?
They damn sure will….
COMMODORES 31-17

Memphis at Marshall
Everbody knows I like Elvis…
But have you seen “We are Marshall”?
Enough said….
THUNDERING HERD 28-24

Iona at Wagner
I cannot believe that Vacuum Cleaner College has a football team..
They must really suck…
OLE IONA 28-24

Southern Miss at Arkansas State
I Love those folks from H-Burg…
And that is good enough for me…
GOLDEN EAGLES 27-24

Alabama A&M at Louisiana Monroe
The Bulldogs cannot stand up to the power of the War Hawk…
Trust me…
I am a believer..
WAR HAWKS 38-10

Stanford at Texas Christian
If IKE doesn’t screw this game up…
It will be a dandy for three quarters…
HORNED FROGS 24-17

Alcorn State at Troy
A school named for a nut cannot and should not beat the men of Troy…
MEN of TROY 23-14

Missouri State at Oklahoma State
This game will be like a John Wayne Movie…
Nothing but..
COWBOYS 33-10

Virginia at Connecticut
I wish I cared…But I don’t.
HUSKIES 6-3

Oklahoma at Washington
If you have children…
DO not let them watch this game..
It will be ugly…
BOOMER SOONER 43-10

North Texas at LSU
I have a portion of the personal Diary of the North Texas Head Coach…
“Dear Diary…
Can’t this game be postponed?
I would much prefer to take my butt whipping later…
When the Tigers are tired and maybe looking ahead to an SEC opponent..
Can you help me Diary?”
Noooooo….
Time for your ass whipping….
FIGHTN TIGERS 44-10

Utah at Utah State
I think in this case it is appropriate to quote the two most famous residents of Utah.
In the words of Donny and Marie….
“I am a little bit country….and a little bit Rock and Roll..”

This really didn’t have anything to do with the pick..
I just thought it was funny….
TWO UTES 38-21

Bowling Green at Boise State
This game is going to be uglier than dollar beer night at the Bowling Alley…
BRONCOS 44-14

Arizona at New Mexico
The Best game on television at three o’clock in the morning eastern time…
That is unless you have the full cable package…
WILDCATS 24-21

UNLV at Arizona State
The Devils from the Land of the Sun will dominate…
It’s true…..
SUN DEVILS 37-10

Wisconsin at Fresno State
Behold the mighty power of the Cheese….
To include any and all cheese like snacks…
BADGERS 34-10

Ohio State at Southern California
The Game of the Week…
You might think I am crazy…
But that’s what they said about Ted Bundy and the Wright Brothers…
THE MIGHTY BUCKEYES 31-24

Believe it….

Enjoy Your Games!

RTR
MEB