Thanksgiving is right around the corner….
And that means one thing…

The next three weeks the fiercest rivalries in all of college football will be played.

There will be Egg Bowls and Apple Cups…

Civil Wars and Good Ole Fashioned Hate

There will be Iron wills and Iron Bowls….

Just thinking about it….
Can make your stomach queasier than Aunt Edna’s five bean casserole
Where are my Tums?

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Much like Elvis and Richard Petty, it’s good to be the King.

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather astounding 46 and 10 last week or 82%.
This leaves me at 504 and 120 or 81% for the season.
But just for the record…
“NO” I do not want to talk about my beloved Texas Longhorns…

EMAIL LETTER(S) OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
You sir, espouse to be a southern gentlemen and are a self ascribed expert in all things southern.
So I have question that my family and I are in hopes you can help us with.
Upon moving to the “south” from up north, specifically Springfield Illinois, we were appalled at how prejudiced everyone is in the south.

People in our new neighborhood laughed at me when I put our mailbox up with our name on it!
And some kids drove by and told me to “get the hell out of the neighborhood!”

My wife and I went to a local church and someone there pointed at my name on my visitors “Hello My Name Is” tag
and that person told me “We don’t mind you coming to church here, but there better not be any funny business going on in the back pews”.
I have never been so shocked and appalled in all my life!
So I ask you sir, why would people in such a “friendly southern town” react in such a harsh way to strangers from the north!
Is it the way we look, is it the way we talk or is there something wrong with our name?
I ask you?
Moe and Ima Queer, Rome, Georgia

A: Seriously….
“MOE and IMA QUEER”
You are the Queer Family?
I think I just whizzed on myself…

Q: Sir,
We are avid readers of your web site and were wondering if you could do us a favor.
You see, we are producers and directors of adult “art” films.
Just want you to know that even the Supreme Court ruled that our movies were NOT pornography, but art.
So, what we would like to know is if you have some kind of copyright or trademark claim on the title “Pirates and Blue Ho’s”
because we were thinking it would make a GREAT title for our next production.
It would be a classic retelling of rather amorous Pirates pillaging a Connecticut village of Democrats and the subsequent sexual escapades.
It’s pure genius.
Sincerely
The Dark Bros.
Burbank, Ca.

A: Now, the emails are just getting creepy..

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“Now everybody has done heard about that Fig Newton kid from Auburn….
And what’s them Auburn fans a saying?
Why that boy’s daddy’s a preacher he didn’t take no money or ask for nothing!
Cause he’s a Preacher!
Well let me tell you something about that….
My wife Sassy and I have been married for 53 years and we have been going to the same church here in Opp Alabama since we known one another….
And during that whole time up until last Sunday they pass the plate for the “Building Fund” and they hadn’t bought so much as a new door knob since we been there.
But the Preacher drives a new Cadillac…
So don’t be telling me cause a man claims to be a preacher he won’t take something that don’t belong to him”

EDITORS NOTE: Well said my friend, see you soon…

THE PICKS

Thursday November 18th

Georgia State at Alabama
“coach” Bill Curry asked for this game…..
The lesson to be learned here…
Be Careful what you ask for….
CRIMSON TIDE 43-10

UCLA at Washington
Where is Coach James when you need him….
BRUINS 24-21

Air Force at UNLV
Last time I was in Vegas I lost some money at the tables…
And I wanted to bomb the town myself…
This Saturday I get my revenge..
MIGHTY FALCONS 38-17

Friday November 19th

Fresno State at Boise State
Wow…….
Another tough opponent for the Smurf Turf Boys….
What? The Taxidermy Academy isn’t available on Friday Night?
BRONCOS 113-3

Saturday November 20th

Purdue at Michigan State
As you might have guessed….
This Big Ten game is played for a “trophy”
It looks like a monkey playing an accordion…
Which is creepy…
SPARTANS 34-20

Penn State at Indiana
Hoosier? As in Hoosier Daddy?
That would be Joe Pa……
JOE’S LIONS 33-24

West Virginia at Louisville
There was a time this game decided the Big East Championship…
This isn’t the time…
STRONGER CARDINALS 33-31

Troy at South Carolina
Two things I know about this game….
The Gamecocks are going to Atlanta….
And Troy is going to get his ass whipped..
GAMECOCKS 38-10

North Carolina State at North Carolina
This instate Tobacco Road rivalry is called…
“The North Carolina – North Carolina State Rivalry”
You have to admit…
The name is descriptive
PACK OF WOLVES 34-31

Virginia at Boston College
It’s tough to win on Chestnut Hill…..
This game will prove my point..
CHESTNUT EAGLES 33-17

Oklahoma State at Kansas
The Prairie Wind blows into Kansas and touches Dorothy and Toto in naughty places.
COWBOY UP! 43-17

Wisconsin at Michigan
This Big Ten rivalry is played for the “Decoupage Cheese of Doom”
I heard it smells a lot like Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”
After it’s been in the sun for ten days…
THE POWER OF CHEESE 34-21

Yale at Harvard
This a HUGE game in the Ivy League….
Which is another reason why nobody cares….
Seriously nobody cares

Pittsburgh at South Florida
Most people would tell you the Panthers have this game in the bag..
I’m not most people
NO BULL 24-21

Appalachian State at Florida
The Gator Nation is depressed over the 2010 season….
This game will make you all feel better
MIGHTY GATORS 38-17

East Carolina at Rice
Rice gets caked by the Pirates…
Believe it
PIRATES 31-17

Duke at Georgia Tech
The Blue Devils will be far too distracted….
by the heavenly smells drifting across the field from the home of the world’s greatest chili dogs…
The Varsity….
To put up much of a fight…
YELLOW JACKETS 38-24

Chattanooga at Wofford
I don’t know if “Wofford” was named after Chewbacca’s kid…
Or is it a pesky variation of the Whopping Cough…
MIGHTY MOCS 38-34

Citadel at Samford
The boys from the Military College of South Carolina…
Lay a Carolina Butt Whipping on Fred and Lamont…
Believe it
BULLDOGS 38-10

Montana State at Montana
This hate filled instate battle in Big Sky Country is called….
“The Brawl of the Wild” and it is played for The Great Divide Trophy
This game is “hate thy neighbor” at its finest
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 28-24

UTEP at Tulsa
The winner of this game has a shot at the “Vienna Sausage Bowl” in Valdosta Georgia
Yeah, it’s that important
GOLDEN HURRICANES 38-34

Colorado State at Wyoming
The Cowboys might win this game…
And Janet Reno “might” be a woman…
RAM TOUGH 33-17

Kansas State at Colorado
The Buffalos will win one for their coach who shouldn’t have been hired in the first place
BUFFALOS 28-24

Clemson at Wake Forest
Have faith My Tiger Faithful…..
DABO’S TIGERS 28-17

Kent State at Western Michigan
“Golden Flashes and Bronco’s”….
Makes me think Grandpa got naked and jumped on the horse and is headed to town..
GOLDEN FLASHES 24-21

Weber State at Texas Tech
The Boys from the Grilling College gets smoked in Lubbock…
Which just so happens to be the Home of Buddy Holly…
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 48-10

Marshall at Southern Methodist
I have mixed emotions in this game….
I love the Thundering Herd…
But I am a Mustang Man…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Illinois at Northwestern
This instate battle in the land of Lincoln….
Is played each year for the “Sweet Sioux Tomahawk”
As opposed to the “Diet Light Sweet Sioux Tomahawk”….
It has all the flavor of the regular Sweet Sioux Tomahawk, but less calories…
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 34-31

Ole Miss at LSU
That foam rubber bear that is supposed to somehow be a “Rebel”….
Get’s his ass eaten alive by Big Mike the Tiger…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 34-10

Arkansas State at Navy
This game is going to be uglier than an orangutan in a prom dress…
MIDSHIPMEN 53-10

Central Florida at Tulane
The Green Wave will be reduced to a lime green trickle by the time this one is over..
KNIGHTS OF GOLD 44-14

Florida Atlantic at Texas
As God as my witness……
They better not lose this one…
LONGHORNS 34-17

Ohio State at Iowa
This game will be for the Big Ten Title..
Just like I said it would be..
No Need to thank me.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 33-24

Stanford at California
In California….
They call this “The Big Game” and it’s played for the Stanford Ax
Which basically means nobody outside California gives a crap
CARDINAL 6-3

Virginia Tech at Miami
It’s too close to Thanksgiving not to pick the Fighting Turkeys
That’s how I roll
HOKEY POKEY 34-28

Memphis at UAB
I think Elvis’s Tigers have left the building…
BLAZERS 38-17

New Mexico State at Nevada
I hate to think about Pistol Pete getting devoured by a pack of hungry wolves
It reminds me of an episode of “When Animals Attack”
PACK OF WOLVES 43-20

New Mexico at Brigham Young
The cougars deliver a low blow to the lobos like a hobo on a yo-yo..
(I can do this all day …)
COUGARS 43-10

Connecticut at Syracuse
I cannot believe I am writing this…
OTTO the ORANGE 31-24

Army at Notre Dame
This game will be played in Yankee Stadium….
As God intended it to be…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 31-28

Arkansas at Mississippi State
Hawgs and Dogs……
I love that German Ice Cream….
HAWGS 34-24

Missouri at Iowa State
This Big 12 Rivalry is played for the…..
“Telephone Trophy”
Yes, I’m serious…
MO’S TIGERS 34-31

Tennessee at Vanderbilt
This instate “rivalry” in the Volunteer State is played for the…
“Petrified Possum Trophy”…
Honestly…
It looks eerily similar to Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”
VOWELS 38-17

Rutgers at Cincinnati
In this Big East Battle….
I will go with the boys from Chili Town…
KATS of BEAR 28-21

Nebraska at Texas A&M
This game will be too close for comfort for the Children of the Corn
MIGHTY HUSKERS 28-24

Oklahoma at Baylor
This game will be closer than you might think….
A Lot closer..
BOOMER SOONER 31-28

Florida State at Maryland
The Seminoles are finding ways to win and the Turtlemen are finding ways to lose…
It’s just that simple
NOLES 33-24

Southern California at Oregon State
Some people might think..
I would make an off-color joke about “Trojans and Beavers……”,
But I am better than that….
At least this week I am better than that…
LAME CHEATERS 5-3

Houston at Southern Miss
The cougars are playing more like Sylvester the Cat…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-17

Utah at San Diego State
So these two Utes were making fun of this ancient Aztecs butt floss…
Stop me if you’ve heard it…
TWO UTES 34-24

San Jose State at Hawaii
Jose? As in “San Jose”…..
I think Dog the Bounty Hunter arrested him on the last episode…
Which can be seen on the A&E Channel on Wednesday nights…
Check your local listings for times in your area
WARRIORS electric sliding across RAINBOWS 38-10

Enjoy Your Games

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Welcome back my friends, I have missed you all.

Despite being in exile in a rather hostile and uncivilized land…
I would rather be caught in an “I (Heart) the NCAA” T-Shirt that ever disappoint my beloved fans.

EDITORS NOTE:
Before you ask, “No”, I am not trapped in OBKnoxville or Los Angeles.

Why do I endeavor such a herculean task under such austere conditions you may ask? Because I care, that’s why.

With that being said, Welcome to the 2010 College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza.

Enjoy……

Over the years I have introduced your Pre-Season College Football Extravaganza with a variety of openings…
such as the wildly popular “College Football Etiquette 101” and such thought provoking entries as “How to make College Football Better”.

This Season, for those of you who are new to the College Football Experience and for those fans that are veterans at college football preparation.
I have prepared a “How To” for College Football Fans to further enhance your College Football experience in 2010.

THE “HOW TO” OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL

DRESSING FOR THE GAME

The Right Way….
The area of the country your team is located will have a direct impact on how one will dress for the upcoming game.
Much of this is culturally driven, but certainly there are other factors such as climate, traditions and geographical location.
One has the option of wearing a variety of team gear, and if traveling as a family unit…
it is advised that all participants should be in your favorite game day wear, to include infants and or pets.

The Wrong Way…
I was going to use this opportunity to address appropriate game day clothing but as we all know nearly everyone north of the Ohio River dresses like Nanok of the North on college football game days and the boys aren’t distinguishable from the girls; which is sad and disgusting.

When it comes to painting ones face or body it is vitally import that your celebration of your team blends appropriately with your apparel.
It is also important, even as students, that you understand not only “how to spell” the name of your university or mascot, but that someone in the group is in charge to place people in the appropriate locations.
Below is an example of how “Not” to do it.

GETTING TO THE STADIUM

The Right Way….
Decorating your vehicle with window flags and car magnets of your favorite college football team will announce your loyalties to passer bys and identify you as a supporter of your college team once you arrive on campus.

The Wrong Way….
Rainbow colored flags and other “diversity memorabilia”, to include “Make Peace NOT War” bumper stickers on your vehicle will send the wrong message even if you are from Los Angeles. Additionally, as a safety tip: This type of arrival to a college football game could result in an ass kicking in the following areas: Nebraska, Texas (anywhere), Clemson or anywhere in the Southeastern Conference.

ARRIVING AT THE STADIUM (PARKING)

The Right Way….
Once you are on campus, it is acceptable and permissible to play your teams fight song as loud as you can stand it and or honk the horn at other fans of equal standing in their love and devotion of the institution for which you support.

The Wrong Way….
Playing Celine Dion and or the theme from Titanic however is unacceptable, even if you are a “cultured” Southern California fan.
If you fall into this category please refer to “Safety Tip on Getting to the Stadium”

ON CAMPUS EXPERIENCE

The Right Way….
Vendors of all sorts should be available selling t-shirts to top hats of the home team’s logo and school colors.
A variety of food and drink should be available along with musical entertainment provided by the college marching band and
the appearance of the team’s cheerleaders, when applicable, always gets the crowd motivated.
Also, this is an excellent time to catch with old friends and acquaintances and discuss the upcoming game and a good time should be had by all.

Case in Point
The University of Texas

The Wrong Way….
If your college campus on game day resembles a party at Elton John’s house you may want to consider switching your affiliations.

Case in Point….
The University of Southern California Trojans

TAILGATING

The Right Way….
Tailgating is an art form that may take years to perfect.
Case in point, it is not uncommon for LSU Tiger Fans to begin tailgating the Monday or Tuesday before the game on Saturday night.
Tents and flags and grills of all shapes and sizes abound, with smoke bellowing for miles with the smell of the contents of the smoking beasts enough to make a vegetarian change their minds.
There is never a shortage of fine food and drink for Tiger fans or fans of opposing teams that happen to pass by.
One will frequently hear “Hey Fightn’ Tigers” and other LSU Favorites from loud speakers. Beer, wine and Bourbon are severed abundantly.

Another way to tailgate you might want to consider is when there is a navigable body of water close by your team’s stadium.
As an example; The Tennessee Volunteer fans boast of the “Vol Navy” with the Tennessee River flowing by Neyland Stadium.
This consist of a large number of intoxicated Tennessee fans in a variety of cut off jeans, overalls and other assorted Tennessee specific game day wear….
riding in Inner tubes and old bathtubs floating in a procession down the Tennessee river to “dock” near the stadium.

The Wrong Way…
Anything requiring the use of a microwave, other than popcorn or Velveeta is simply unacceptable.
Also, it’s important to understand the philosophy behind tailgating in general.
That being said an animal of some type needs to be sacrificed to provide an acceptable tailgating experience.
Be it beef, fowl, pork or reptile or any combination thereof must be cooked.
Not only is this ancient art of cooking meat outdoors delectable, but this also prevents our hallowed traditions from being trampled on by vegans, vegetarians and Muslims.

COLLEGE MARCHING BANDS

The Right Way….
Few College Marching Bands are as proud as TBDBITL….
That acronym stands for The Ohio State University’s Marching Band
“The Best Damn Band in the Land”
They certainly live up to the hype and you would be hard pressed to find a better college marching band anywhere in the country.

Certainly there are other great college marching bands, too many to mention in this short space.
But it is important to remember the premier college marching bands are precise in their movements, sound magnificent, have the ability to play a variety of classics and modern favorites and wear traditional uniforms with their school colors.

It is also worth mentioning the members of the college marching bands spend more time practicing for a performance that the actual athletic teams do on a normal basis.
So it is important to honor those young people and cheer for them as well.

The Wrong Way….
If your college marching band resembles the Salvation Army Homeless Band like Stanford’s or have uniforms that looked they were designed by a group of Meth Heads such as the Oregon Duck band, then perhaps you should skip the opening ceremonies as well as the half time festivities.

FLAG GIRLS & MAJORETTES

The Right Way….
Let me explain this in a way I hope you will all understand.
Simply Put: If you are a male living in the United States of America and you are between the ages of six and ninety years of age and you don’t find the Golden Girls from LSU or the University of Alabama Crimonettes attractive then you are gay.
Mystery solved no need to thank me.

The Wrong Way….
If your Flag Girls and or Majorettes are larger than the offensive or defensive lineman on your football team, then you have the wrong people in the wrong positions.

Noted Examples to the above:
Maine Bears, Michigan Wolverines, Notre Dame and the entire Ivy League

CHEERLEADERS

The Right Way….
They should be enthusiastic, attractive and have traditional uniforms and most importantly know and understand the cheers by heart.

Example: Alabama, Clemson, Florida, LSU, Texas, Penn State, Washington, Texas A&M

The Wrong Way….
This illustrated example is the opposite of the above description in regards to understanding “How to Cheer”

COLLEGE FOOTBALL COMMENTATORS

The Right Way….
Two Words: Keith Jackson
He is the voice of college football, always has been always will be.
He was never intrusive, always insightful and called it like he saw it without guile, prejudice or criticism.
There has never been anyone better – period.

Lee Corso: God Bless you coach, Saturday’s wouldn’t be the same without you.

Lou Holtz: Despite your constant spitting on Mark May every time you speak in the ESPN studio
(which I personally derive a great deal of enjoyment from)
I admire your insight and humor and telling it like it is attitude.

The Wrong Way….
Where to begin…..

Pam Ward with ESPN: Her voice is used to elicit confessions at Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay and has been called “cruel and unusual punishment” by Amnesty International.

Spencer Tillman: I loved him when he played at Oklahoma, but currently he wears more makeup than Little Richard.

John Saunders: His prejudice against all things Southern is only outweighed by his lack of knowledge of college football.
And that’s saying something….

Vern Lundquist and Gary Danielson: The syphilitic troll and his one-sided master of the obvious sidekick would make a deaf man’s ears bleed.

Brent Musburger: I will let Brent speak for himself in this section.
Here is quote from Brent on an Alabama Crimson Tide game during the 2007 season.

“The folks in Alabama are paying Nick Saban a lot of money folks; it doesn’t look like they are getting their money’s worth, does it.”

EDITORS NOTE: Two undefeated regular seasons, a Heisman Trophy winner and a National Championship later
I think it’s apparent that Brent is a complete Dumbass.

Archie Manning: He cannot string two sentences together without referencing his two children playing in the NFL.
WE GET IT JACKASS!
YOUR KIDS PLAY IN THE N-F-L! NOW SHUT THE HELL UP!

ESPN’s Mark May: His cousin must own stock in ESPN, because this gibbering idiot couldn’t get a job anywhere else.

Bob Griese: Do you know how you can tell when Bob is going to say something stupid?
His lips are moving.

ESPN’s Desmond Howard: If he was actually able to but a simple sentence together during a telecast I would be amazed.
This may explain how he graduated from the University of Michigan with a degree in “Public Speaking”.

ESPN’s Wendi Nix: She is dumber than a sack of horse turds and wears more makeup than Tammy Faye Baker.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL REFEREES

The Right Way….
It is important for college football referees and replay officials to be fair and honest in their appraisals of each play.
This comes through constant training and education as well as review of each game by conference officials.
The conferences will constantly grade and evaluate the professionalism and effectiveness of the individuals in this field and suspend or relieve those referees that are ineffective or incompetent, because accountability is the key to the integrity of the game.
The conferences will also ensure the individuals responsible for the conduct of the games are properly vetted through a process similar to background checks for security clearances.
This is important to ensure, unlike the NBA, that referees are above reproach and not susceptible to bribes or other enticements to sway their opinions during the course of a game.

The Wrong Way….
Currently the above is not being done in any conference in the country and despite the never ending NCAA witch hunts from textbooks to college parties;
they aren’t interested in ensuring accountability from the referees either.
Hence the problem….

TRADITIONAL PRE-GAME KICK OFF CHANTS

The Right Way…
Prior to kickoff the home crowd, as well as visitors will stand on their feet and as the ball is struck by the kicker to send the ball down the field the following is either performed or yelled by the home crowd.

Marshall: Thirty Thousand Thundering Herd fans will shout in unison “We Are Marshall!” as the ball is kicked down the field.

Florida: Ninety Thousand Gator fans will perform the famous “Gator Chomp” as kickoff ensues.

Arkansas: Eighty Thousand Razorback Fans adorned in “Hog Wear”
will shout before kickoff “Whoooooooo…” and then as the ball is struck they will yell “Pigs!”
and then quickly there after as the ball is sailing down the field “Sooieeeeeee”.

The Wrong Way…

Duke: Nearly half a dozen Blue Devil fans will shout “O Hell here we go again!” as the ball is kicked down the field.

Washington State: Prior to kickoff, almost two dozen fans of the Mighty Cougars will cover their heads with paper bags and wish silently that they were Washington Huskies Fans.

Indiana: At the opening kickoff nearly a hundred Hoosier fans will shout “What the Hell is a Hoosier?”

FIGHT SONGS

The Right Way….
There are too many outstanding college fight songs to mention here.
The great traditional fight songs we know by heart and they stir the emotions of the crowd and raise Goosebumps and bring a tear to the eye of many alumni and fan.

The Eyes of Texas..

Yea Alabama….

Hey Fightn’ Tigers….

The Aggie War Hymn…

The Wrong Way….
Simply put, if the fight song in question is either to confusing or doesn’t have any references to victory or storming down the field or in some cases is rather depressing or encourages dangerous behavior, then it is less than effective in encouraging the fans.

Case in point…..
The University of Tennessee marching band used to play “Down the Field” which has references to loyalty to the football team, cheering and fighting for the Volunteers of Tennessee.

Then for reasons I cannot comprehend, the University of Tennessee began playing “Rocky Top” like a broken Jukebox with one record. The song has nothing to do with football or the University of Tennessee but does talk about such intriguing topics as:

“Ain’t no smoggy smoke on Rocky Top, Ain’t no telephone bills, Once I had a girl on Rocky Top, half bear, the other half cat, wild as a mink, but sweet as soda pop. I still dream about that”

EDITORS NOTE: If you get excited about a “fight song” that brags about the fact you don’t have electricity or telephones
and the best looking women in your area are mutants, then perhaps you need another “fight song”.

Another noted example in this section comes from Texas A& I and their fight song “Jalisco”. For your reading pleasure is the first stanza:

“Ay, Jalisco, Jalisco
Jalisco tu tienes
Tu novia
Que es Guadalajara
Muchacha bonita
La peria mas rara
De todo Jalisco
Es mi Guadalajara”

EDITORS NOTE: If your fight song isn’t in English, then you shouldn’t be allowed to play football. Enough said….

MASCOTS

The Right Way….
There are a number of Great College Mascots…
You know who there are…..
Their very presence sends the crowd into frenzy.
College football fans will line up for hours to have a picture taken with their mascot.
There is…..

UGA the English Bulldog from the University of Georgia

BEVO the Texas Longhorn from the University of Texas

Mike the Tiger from Louisiana State University

The Wrong Way…
There are too many to mention here…
But suffice to say if the mascot in question doesn’t represent the university nickname then often times it is confusing to the fans
and thus becomes more of a distraction than a motivational tool.

Noted examples to this section…

Indiana University: Since know one knows what the hell a Hoosier actually is this becomes a constant point of friction with fans asking themselves “What are we?”

University of Oregon: The Ducks used to have a mascot that resembled Disney’s Donald Duck dressed in the green and white of Oregon and he was quite the fan favorite.

Since the university administration sold their soul’s to NIKE for sponsorships they have opted to allow NIKE to design their mascot uniform which changes from year to year, much like their university football teams uniforms.

Currently the Oregon Duck mascot looks like the offspring of a gay Mister Peanut and a Raptor than a Duck.

Congratulations…

Purdue University: Despite the fact Purdue Pete scares small children and frightens the elderly with his large and cumbersome bulbous head and has a face that looks like the lead character in “Mask”, it is nice to know that he has returned to the dating scene.

WHEN VIEWING THE GAME AT HOME

The Right Way….
You are encouraged to decorate your house (inside as well as outside)
with various adornments to include university flags etc.
One should be wearing university colors and logos, this goes for significant others in the household and children as well.

The following is also encouraged on game day at your home or residence:

It’s important to establish “healthy boundaries” for you and your guests on College Football Game Days.
This will further enhance the experience for you as well as your guests and provide a warm and comfortable environment to enjoy the festivities.
Opposing fans visiting your household should be treated as honored guests and be allowed to partake of food and drink at their hearts desire, until such time as they begin trash talking about the level of competency of your team and then it’s permissible to tell them to “Grab their #hit and get the hell out of your house” even if it is your local pastor.

If you’re next door neighbor, with whom you have a wonderful relationship with, is a fan or supporter of your arch rival.
Then it is permissible on college football game day to give any member of that particular family the preverbal middle finger while exchanging pleasantries when retrieving the morning paper.

The verbal exchange may go something like this:

Tim: Nice day isn’t it Joe?

Joe: Up yours Timmy! I hope your family contracts cholera!

EDITORS NOTE:
This exchange is permissible on College Football Game day as long as he is a fan of your arch rival, even if the neighbor in question is your local pastor.

It is also permissible to scream at the television set knowing full well that no one on the other end can hear you or grasp your jesters.
Please inform your guests that you are aware of this fact and please remind them if they mention this fact more than once in an effort to elicit humor, then you are obligated to tell them to “Grab their #hit and get the hell out of your house” even if it is your local pastor.

The only person allowed to touch or operate the remote control is the one or possibly two adult collegiate football fans living in the household.
Permission may be grated on a game by game basis to adult friends, neighbors, family members etc. but only with permission.
If your dear friend’s wife who couldn’t spell football if you spotted her the “O’s” and the “L”’s” attempts to commandeer the remote control because she is either bored or “wants to see what’s on CNN”, it is permissible, without consulting her significant other, to break her arm, especially if it’s fourth and goal from the one yard line.

Additionally, the household should resemble a tailgate party on steroids
(Please see Tailgating section above for further amplification)

EDITORS NOTES:
It is important to note if you live or plan to move to Morgantown West Virginia that following a “Win” by the Mighty Mountaineers of West Virginia it is excepted that you and your family will take a piece of furniture from your house, preferably a couch and light it on fire in the front yard.

It is my understanding that if you and your family choose “not” to take part in this Mountaineer ritual in Morgantown the West Virginia faithful will perform the ritual for you using whatever possessions of yours they deem appropriate.

The Wrong Way…
Having a variety of games for children on college game day at one’s house is encouraged; it prevents them from distracting you and your guests from the college football game.
However, providing alcohol to children is forbidden and illegal unless you live in the following states or territories:
West Virginia – Minnesota – South Dakota – Pennsylvania – Arkansas – Oklahoma – Tennessee and Puerto Rico

Additionally, not having snacks while preparing your tailgating experience and during the game itself will identify you as an amateur college football fan.
Do not let your personal income be a deterrent to a positive college football game day experience.
If one can only afford a bag of Cheeto’s and a twelve pack of beer, then that should be shared and no one will think any worse of you.
In fact, I have on good authority that is considered “Thanksgiving” for most Illinois Fighting Pumpkins and Indiana Hoosier fans.

I hope this will enhance your College Football experience in 2010

PRE-SEASON PROGNOSTICATIONS & OBSERVATIONS

This season the Michigan Wolverines will fail to qualify for a bowl game (again)

But the Michigan State Spartans will…..

In November of this year the National Geographic Society…..
Will discover that Wynonna Judd is actually a Triceratops.

Good News Fighting Irish Fans! You will qualify for a Bowl game this year….
The Boudreaux Butt Paste Bowl in Tupelo Mississippi (It’s very prestigious)

There will not be an undefeated Southeastern Conference Champion this year…

The University of Southern California Trojans will not be going to a bowl game this year, no wait.
They can’t go any way, right? Never mind.

Brent Musburger and Vern Lundquist will vie for the coveted title of “Biggest Dumbass in American Sports Casting.”
Currently they are neck and neck in the contest;…
No wait, I just remembered Vern doesn’t have a neck.
So another unit of measure will need to be determined.
More on this later.

A referee and his crew will blow a call and a possession in the same game.

EDITORS NOTE: I have two words for you – PENN WAGERS.

This season LSU Tiger Coach Les Miles will say something positively ridiculous and then promptly defend it.

EDITORS NOTE: If you count what Les Miles said at the Southeastern Conference Media Days last month, then my prediction has already come to pass.

“I think anybody that enjoys competition enjoys playing best teams. In the Western Division, we have it.”

Les Miles – SEC Media Days July 23rd 2010

Arkansas Coach Houston Nutt will deny any wrong doing of any kind in anything related to anything he has ever been associated with or thought he was associated with.

Sometime this year the Evergreen State Geoduck mascot will make someone throw up when they see it for the first time.

The Tebow-less Florida Gators will be a lot stronger than you might think

The Texas Longhorns (See Above and substitute Tebow-less with McCoy-less)

The Miami Hurricanes will have the opportunity to prove if they are for real when they visit the Big Horseshoe and the Mighty Ohio State Buckeyes on September 11th

The Boise State Bronco’s will not finish the 2010 college football season undefeated.

But the Horned Frogs of Texas Christian might….
If they get by the Beavers of Oregon State on September 4th.

My Mighty Southern Methodist University Mustangs will return to a Bowl game again this year. Believe it.

Early in the season Coach Rich Rod of Michigan will attempt to divert the hostile Ann Arbor sports media by deferring questions to a Sock Monkey during post game news conferences.

EDITORS NOTE: I have on good authority the Sock Money even wears a ball with a big “M” on it, which is nice.

Speaking of the “First Family of Wolverine Football”…..
Coach Rich Rod’s wife, Rita will have an exhibit named after her in the Natural Science Museum and Exhibit Hall in Ann Arbor this year.
It is my understanding they have named a new species of dinosaur after her and the artist rendition of the creature will be on display through the coming football season.
It’s called a “Skank-a- Saurus”

EDITORS NOTE: Who knew dinosaurs had bleach blond hair, wore nine inch clear plastic stripper shoes and had their makeup done at Earl Shive?
Isn’t science fascinating?

The Duke Blue Devils will still have more students watching basketball practice than attend home football games, which is sad.

“Coach” Bill Curry will habitually read “The Little Engine That Could” to his Georgia State Panther players each night…
until his ass whipping of biblical proportions at the hands of the Alabama Crimson Tide on Thursday November 18th.
Then he will resign as head coach, return to ESPN as a commentator and bitch and whine about the University of Alabama for another ten years.

Sometime in late November some damn school that plays in the Earl Hoffenheimer Conference will have an undefeated season and lay claim to a shot at the National Championship because they defeated Chow Lings Nail and Beauty Salon Academy by three points.

The American Medical Association will determine that ESPN Commentator Pam Ward’s voice will be the leading cause of suicide between the months of September and December.

Webster’s Dictionary will add an additional example to the definition of “irony” in 2010.
The example will read in part: “Irony” is Lane Kiffin accusing other universities of cheating while having the NCAA investigating his conduct and actions at the university he left after one year and takes a position at a university on probation for violating NCAA rules.

ESPN studio commentator and former coach Lou Holtz will continue to sound like Sylvester the Cat and Mark May will continue to make sounds like a mule caught in a thicket when describing his undying love of the University of Southern California.

Before December of this year, “coach” Bobby Bowden will be found wandering across the Seminole practice field wearing only his FSU Vietcong hat in search of Chief Osceola, whom he went to school with in 1824.

Penn State Coach Joe Paterno will harness the power of the sun utilizing his reading glasses, thus ending the energy crisis and creating in the process 200, 000 new green energy jobs.

Former Tennessee Volunteer coach Phil Fulmer will attempt to introduce the “Bear Claw Consumption Competition” into the 2010 London Olympic Games, sponsored by Krispy Kreme. Sadly he will be denied the opportunity to “Bring home the Gold” and in a caloric rage eat the reining men’s hot dog eating champion.

QUOTES FROM YESTERDAY

FAMOUS COACH’S QUOTE“With the little bits of information that I have, no, I’m not worried about that one bit. I’m more concerned about helping the process and cooperating to make sure that everything comes to the front. I’m confident that’s not where this is going.” …

In an interview on May 2, 2006 with USA Today and the Associated Press, Coach Pete Carroll of U$C talks about the possibility of U$C forfeiting games or being hit with NCAA sanctions.

EDITORS NOTE: Looking back on it that seems kind of funny, doesn’t it?

SEVEN QUESTIONS WITH….

Before our beloved college football season begins we will interview the “former” athletic director Damon Evans of the University of Georgia in our “Seven Questions Segment” to give him a platform to explain his actions and subsequent dismissal from the University of Georgia.

Q: Mr. Evans what have you been doing since you stepped down as the athletic director of the University of Georgia?

A: I prefer to be called “Pimp Daddy D” or just “D Yo”

Q: What? Ah O.K.
Anyway, how would you describe your tenure as Georgia’s Athletic Director and what transpired, in your own words, that caused you to leave such a top tier athletic program.

A: Pimpn’ ain’t easy

Q: That doesn’t make any sense. O.k. never mind, let me rephrase the question.
There are a number of reports that portrays you in a rather unflattering light. They describe a number of embarrassing circumstances and even more embarrassing personal conduct by you.
Would you care to elaborate on this matter?

A: Knick Knack Paddy Wack give a Dawg a bone!

Q: What the hell does that even mean?

A: Word to your mother

Q: Ok. Let’s stay focused shall we?
This is your opportunity to explain what you were doing and the circumstances surrounding the incident that resulted in your dismissal as the Athletic Director of the University of Georgia.
Specifically; let’s talk about when you were pulled over by the police in the company of an underage intoxicated woman, wearing a pair of woman’s underwear on your head while presumably intoxicated yourself. To say nothing of the reported crying jag to the police officers all the while screaming “Do you know who I am?”

A: I was just Keep’n it Real G

Q: Is that the theme from Shaft playing in the background and are those “crunk teeth” in your mouth?

A: Word up

Q: Mr. Evans, I have one last question: are you retarded?

A: Foshizzeel my mizzel.

EDITORS NOTE: Maybe Damon Evans should have taken his own advice here…

Click here to view the embedded video.

PRESEASON QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
I don’t know if you are “really back” yet or not, but I need your advice desperately.
I have a terrible secret I have been withholding from my family.
I grew up in a loving family outside of London, Ohio and somehow I lost my way.
I moved to California and there I fell into intravenous drug use and became a gay prostitute and changed my name to Dirk Hershey.
I have appeared in some horrible, vile and disgusting movies under that name.
I have stolen money from “customers”, passed out in alleys after week long drug beiges and been involved in sexual acts that would make the strongest person retch.
But my question is this:
How do I tell my family I have become a Michigan Wolverine fan?
Danny aka “Dirk” – San Francisco, California

A: If I were you Danny, I would keep that piece of bad news to myself.

Q: Hello Wizard Man!
You filthy infidel! We know who you are!
We declare Jihad on you Mister Wizard!
Jihad! Jihad! Jihad!
You die soon by our Jihad!
Mohammad Ali Abdul – Los Angeles, California

A: Jihad Me at Hello disgruntled Trojan fan.

Q: Dear Sir –
As mayor of beautiful Baneberry Tennessee, I would like to cordially invite you as our “Guest of Honor” for our annual Founder’s Day celebration on September 18th.
As you may know our town was founded by two brothers Bubba and Doodie Baneberry in 1836 when they were separated from Davey Crockett’s Tennesseans heading to the Alamo and instead choose to get drunk on apple cider that had “turned” hard and shortly thereafter passed out near the river and missed the entire historical moment in San Antonio.
The founding fathers thought “Baneberry” sounded better than naming the town Bubba, or God forbid “Doodie”, hence the town of Baneberry was born.
None the less, after careful consideration the city council and I have voted to invite you, despite you being an Alabama Fan, to our Founder’s Day celebration for all your hard work to promote our beautiful city.
Also, we didn’t want to invite Hootie Snitch for fear he would show up all liquored up and insist on wearing chaps and a cowboy hat (again) on the Founders Day float so it was addition by subtraction, if you know what we mean.
Sincerely
Mayor Mike Summers
521 Harrison Ferry Road
Baneberry, TN 37890

A: I am temporarily indisposed with another engagement at the time or I would be all over it.

Q: Mister CFB Wizard I have a question for you.
As a lifelong Michigan Wolverine I don’t need to tell you the last few years have been very painful.
With that being said, what will it take for the Wolverines to go Bowling this year?
Thanks!
Steve – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Steve, I guarantee you the Wolverines will go Bowling this year!
But they need to make reservations early at the Bel-Mark Lanes in Ann Arbor or they may not get a lane.
I hear the month of December is reserved for leagues.
So, you will need to make reservations sorry.

Q: Hey There!
Mr. Wizard you remind me of that fellow Genius Kahn who invented Mongolian Barbeque.
He sure was smart!
I believe he was a military man too, but anyway I got me a question.
What are the chances of Auburn winning the damn National Championship this year?
Billy – Opelika, Alabama

A: Well Billy thank you for the compliment, I think.
But to answer your question I would say the Tigers have the same odds of winning the championship as Michigan does of going to a Bowl game.

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard –
I was wondering if you would help promote my latest venture;
My Tribute to William Shatner by singing some of his lesser known songs as well as singing the theme from T. J. Hooker while dressed as TJ Hooker!
Does that not sound fabulous?
So what do you think?
Thanks!
Jack McCracken – Cincinnati, Ohio

A: I think you need to be medicated Jack, a lot.

Q: Dear Sir –
As Chief of the Wall-a-ka Indian Nation and Casinos I am extremely disappointed in your support of collegiate “Indian” mascots. The usage of the term “Indian” alone is hurtful and insensitive, not to mention the other more harmful terms associated with Native Americans, such as “tribe” or “moccasins”. These names conjure up images of savages and worse, of a culture that is illiterate, ignorant, superstitious and lacking any social structure.
Perhaps if you were to spend some time learning our rich and unique culture you would have a better understanding of our sensitivity on this volatile issue.
Please take the time to visit us in the next few months we are located right off of Interstate 29 near Watertown North Dakota. Look for the “Big Wampum Casino” sign and don’t forget our duty free shops and the “Scalp Em Water Park” conveniently located next to the casino.
“Chu-na-La-Nu-say”
Chief Charlie Waka-Saw IV

A: If my Native American language skills are correct, I believe the above quote translated means: “A pony urinated on my new moccasins.”
But that aside; Sir, if you are indeed “SAW IV”, then I would like my money back please.

Q: All Alabama Fans Suck! They were not the best team last year and you know it!
As far as the National Chump-in-ships they all claim, that is bogus too!
Face it, they live in a dirt poor state with a bunch of inbred idiots who have nothing better to do than follow a second rate school and third tier football program.
Anonymous – Boise, Idaho

A: I’m sorry the glare from the 2009 National Championship trophy was reflecting off of Mark Ingram’s Heisman Trophy and it was preventing me from reading your question.
What were you trying to say again?

Q: We is still mad as hell at that damn Lame Kitten for leaving us Tennessee Volunteers!
Now he done and got the NCAA crawling around a looking at us!
We gave him everything he ever wanted!
Why the hell would anybody ever want to leave Rocky Top?
I ask you!
Thelma and Joe – Dyllis, Tennessee

A: It might be the wet dog food smell from the Purina plant that drifts across the city, but that’s just a guess.

Q: Dear sir despite your distain for all things Ivy League, I am obligated to ask who you think is the favorite to win the coveted Ivy League Crown this year?
Will it be Princeton, Harvard or fair Yale?
Reginald – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: I could name a dozen high schools around the country that could “win” the Ivy League crown, that’s what I think.

Q: Hey There!
I am a former coach and currently live in the Garnet and Gold Retirement home here in beautiful Tallahassee Florida. I was kind of forced into retirement by someone I thought was a friend, but then snookered me into retirement and I am still a little sore about it, not as sore as these new pants my grandkids bought me for my birthday though, they bind me in the crotch and it makes me walk funny.
Anyway you seem to know a lot about different things about college football, like the time you wrote about NCAA President Myles Brand and that Hootie Snitch guy you have on the website is really funny too. Wait, what was I saying? O’ Yeah, so there is this “other” coach (who I won’t name, but let’s call him “Joe”, that is still coaching and he is even older than me, I think he’s like a hundred years old or something. So, why can’t I still coach when Mister Thick Glasses is allowed to coach? His glasses are kind of funny too. Except when he uses them to blind you on the other sidelines! I mean they are that thick!
I forgot what I was saying.
Hobby Howden – Tallahassee, Florida

A: Bobby, you are rambling again.

Q: Mister Wizard I live in Ann Arbor Michigan and I recently saw Coach Rod’s wife Rita at a local Michigan “Maze and Blue” Alumni function and although I was some distance from her, I would have to say you are incorrect in your description of Rita.
She seems to be very attractive from a distance.
Roy – Grand Rapids, Michigan

A: By distance do you mean over a mile?
Get a new prescription for your glasses because up close that woman could stop a watch.

There will be more on the wire tomorrow…..
with the second installment of the Preseason College Football Extravaganza
To include Conference Champions and more of what you have come to expect from your Favorite College Football Prognosticator
So stay tuned…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

This week we have Battles over Wagon Wheels, Iron Skillets and Slabs of Bacon..

EDITORS NOTE: Not all together…..
Although they make a nice combo if you were out on the range

We have Lions, Tigers, and Bears and Fighting Okra…
Tussling over a variety of Paul Bunyan memorabilia, Mittens and a Victory Bell..
While others duke it out on Tobacco Road for bragging rights.

It’s that time of the year…..
Rivalries are in Season…

If you are keeping count and I know you are…..
Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 44 and 12 or 79%
That leaves us at 204 and 46 of 82% thus far in the season…

Enjoy!

THE GAMES

Wednesday September 30th

Hawaii at Louisiana Tech
I feel really confident about this pick…
Call it “Prognosticators Intuition”….
BULLDOGS 27-6

Thursday October 1st

Colorado at West Virginia
What I wouldn’t give to have a second hand furniture store in Morgantown…
I would have more money than Ernest Tubb in a few years.
Light those couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 24-20

Valdosta State at Delta State
Who doesn’t love a Fighting Okra?
My point exactly…
FIGHTN’ OKRA 27-23

Friday October 2nd

Pittsburgh at Louisville
Papa John Stadium is a mighty tough place to play in when the sun goes down
Johnny, this one is for you…
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!
CARDINALS 24-21

Utah State at Brigham Young
This particular game is played for the “Old Wagon Wheel”
But is only part of the bigger prize known as the Battle for the Beehive Boot
But I have question..
Wouldn’t that hurt if you put your foot in a boot full of bees?
Just wondering…
COUGARS 38-17

Saturday October 3rd

Alabama at Kentucky
In the immortal words of Steely Dan in Deacon Blues…
“They have a name for the winners in the world…
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide”
CRIMSON TIDE 31-17

EDITORS NOTE: I am sure they were referring to football in this particular song…
Because if it was basketball, then they would have mentioned Kentucky

Arkansas Tech at North Alabama
I can hear the Lion’s Roaring from here…
MIGHTY LIONS 38-10

Ole Miss at Vanderbilt
Sometimes I feel like a Nutt….
And this would be one of those times…
REBELS 24-21

Georgia Southern at Wofford
It doesn’t matter who Coach’s there…
The boys from Statesboro will always be….
ERK’S EAGLES 31-14

Penn State at Illinois
I made a key error in my Picks last week…
Last week I stated:
“I have on good authority that Joe Pa intends to harness the power of the sun
through his reading glasses and roast the Hawkeyes”
Little did I know…
The game was at night and Joe Pa did not have the Solar Panel 2500 mounted to his reading glasses.
That was my mistake….
There will be no such oversight this week…
Roast the Fighting Pumpkins Joe Pa!
JOE PA’S LIONS

LSU at Georgia
This game will be a shoot out from start to finish…
Hold on to your seats boys and girls
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-28

Oklahoma at Miami
Since Utah is off this weekend..
I am under artistic obligation to state the following concerning this particular game…
I hope the two Ute’s that drive the Boomer Sooner wagon are careful this Saturday
Because they will be driving it around the stadium all afternoon
BOOMER SOONER 38-14

Austin Peay at Tennessee Tech
I don’t care that Austin peed all by himself!
Why name a college after something like that?
What’s next, Urinal Cake State?
This is disgusting
PEABODY 28-10

Virginia Tech at Duke
This game will be like pistol whipping a blind kid…
HOKIES 43-3

Georgia Tech at Mississippi State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!
More Cow Bell!!!!!
Believe it Bully!
BULLDOGS 24-20

Virginia at North Carolina
This game is known as the “South’s Oldest Rivalry”
The contest between the two schools dates back to 1892
Who doesn’t love a grudge that has festered for over a hundred years?
TAR HEELS 23-17

Michigan at Michigan State
This semi-bitter instate rivalry is entitled…
“The Battle for the Mitten”

EDITORS NOTE: No, I didn’t make that up

With the “Winner” walking away with the “Paul Bunyan Trophy”
Not sure if the trophy includes Paul’s big blue ox “Babe”
I will continue to monitor the situation as it develops
WOLVERINES 33-24

EDITORS NOTE: There is no truth to the rumor…
This trophy was being replaced by a clay replica of Coach Rod’s Wife.
It is my understanding that the proposed “Skank Witch” Trophy
was deemed “inappropriate” by the Big Ten.
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding

Texas A&M at Arkansas
This rivalry that began in 1903 was once known as the “Southwest Classic”
Now it has been reduced to an “out of conference game” for both teams
That makes me sad…
RAZORBACKS 24-21

Oregon State at Arizona State
This game is between the Sun Devils and the Beavers in the Valley of the Sun
This reminds me of a joke….
So stop me if you’ve heard this one…
These two Ute’s walk into a bar and setting there is the Devil and a Beaver…
And the One Ute says, “Hey, now that’s a nice Beaver…”
Never mind this going to get ugly…
SUN DEVILS 24-20

UCLA at Stanford
I would rather…..
Listen to Leonard Nimoy sing Led Zeppelin’s Greatest Hits than watch this game.
BRUINS 28-24

EDITORS NOTES: Just thinking about that made my ears bleed

Juniata at McDaniel College
Ole Danny Mac better have his head on a swivel..
I hear Juanita is in a foul mood…
JUANITA 33-17

Florida State at Boston College
I have no idea which one of these teams is going to show up
My Guess?
SEMI-NOLES 24-17

Clemson at Maryland
The rules here are simple….
A Tiger can beat a turtle…
I have seen enough of the Animal Planet to know that much…
DABO’S TIGERS 23-14

Wisconsin at Minnesota
This game is played annually for the coveted..
“Paul Bunyan’s Ax” and “a Slab of Bacon”….
I don’t know what the deal is this week about all the Paul Bunyan references
Unless it’s his birthday?
Not really sure how the tasty pork product fits into this equation…
Never mind….
O’ SO GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-21

Susquehanna at Merchant Marine Academy
It doesn’t surprise me that Susie decided to play the Merchant Marines
She always did love a man in uniform….
MARINERS 34-28

North Carolina State at Wake Forest
This War on Tobacco Road has been going on forever…
I bet the argument started over liquor…
Don’t they all?
WOLFPACK 23-17

Arkansas State at Iowa
I don’t know if you’ve seen the Iowa mascot…
“Herky the Hawkeye”?
That things head is almost as big as Wynonna Judd’s
Notice I said “almost”
HAWKEYES 38-10

Washington State at Oregon
This game is played for a trophy that looks eerily similar to Oprah Winfrey’s ass.
Not really I just made that up…
But that would be funny as hell wouldn’t it?
QUACKERS 33-10

South Carolina State at South Carolina
This game is going to get crazy ugly….
GAMECOCKS 53-10

Auburn at Tennessee
This story has very little to do with the game….
But it is simply too good not too share…
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice…
So he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said…
“You graduated from the University of Tennessee right?
I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000 dollars minus 11%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment…
Then replied, “Everything but my earrings..”
WAR DAMN EAGLES 31-17

South Florida at Syracuse
Otto the Orange gets the juice squeezed out of him Saturday…
Believe it…
NO BULL 38-7

Carson Newman at Mars Hill
Thank goodness Coach Spark’s boys are playing Mars Hill this weekend…
If they were playing Uranus Tech…
I could take up the entire column with off color jokes and inappropriate antidotes.
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-21

East Carolina at Marshall
This game has a lot of meaning for many of us….…
The Pirates were the last team the Thundering Herd played on 14 November 1970
Before the plane crash claimed the lives of the son’s of Marshall University.
I won’t forget it, and neither should you.
Whatever game you watch this weekend…
When you see the score ticker run across the bottom of your television screen..
Pull for those current son’s of Marshall….
You will feel better for it, I promise
WE ARE MARSHALL 28-24

Tulane at Army
Every time I hear “Green Wave” I think about a leaky septic tank…
BLACK KNIGHTS 24-21

Hope at Trine
This first thing I thought was….
“I Hope I have Trine to make it to Homecoming this year…”
HOPE 24-10

Northwestern at Purdue
Frankly I am surprised…
We have another Big Ten game without any mention of Paul Bunyan
BOILERMAKERS 31-28

Cincinnati at Miami (OH)
The “Victory Bell” is at stake in this contest….
As opposed to the “Horribly Embarrassing Defeat Bell”
Nobody really wants that one…
BEARKATS 34-17

Ohio Northern at Muskingum
I cannot believe they named a college after a gum disease
I guess it’s still better than Halitosis Tech
Never mind…
POLAR BEARS 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note….
If you think I have been wrong all these years about Yankees…
Living ten miles from the Arctic Circle, then why would they name their team the “Polar Bears”?
Coincidence? I think not…

Kansas State at Iowa State
I have a safety tip for you…
If you hear David Hasselhoff scream “Awesome!”
Three times in a row in quick succession your head will explode.
CYCLONES 17-10

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t ask me how I know about the above claim
Just take my word for it…
But I will tell you the test involved a hamster.

Washington at Notre Dame
I don’t have any idea which Dog’s are going to show up
Will it be the Mighty Washington Huskies or the Hollywood Chihuahua’s?
I am guessing this one will be close….
Real close…
FIGHTING IRISH 28-24

Central Michigan at Buffalo
Two things I learned from watching movies about the American West…
One: Many Native Americans used buffalo as a major food source in the Western frontier
Two: John Wayne was a bad ass
I think Number One applies here..
CHIPPEWA’S 38-10

Wisconsin Oshkosh at Wisconsin Lacrosse
One thing I know for certain about this game…
There will be a lot people there that talk funny..
OSHKOSH BY GOSH 24-20

Memphis at Central Florida
This Conference USA battle is taken very seriously…
The Boy’s from Orlando have vowed this week…
To give Memphis the cryogenically frozen body of Walt Disney if they lose to the Tigers…
Well, look at the bright side…
It’s not like they are gambling with the Magic Castle
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 24-21

Air Force at Navy
This game will be a brawl for the Commander in Chief’s Trophy.
These boys will all play until the final whistle blows…
Believe that…
MIDSHIPMEN 33-31

Ohio at Bowling Green
In this Buckeye State Battle I will go with Coach Frank’s Cats
BOBCATS 28-17

Colorado State at Idaho
As I chronicled earlier in the week…
Mr. Potato Head only “has eyes” for that trashy Zelda Zucchini
Thought that up myself…
VANDALS 28-24

Ohio State at Indiana
I don’t know if the Hoosiers would have been better off..
If they would have taken my advice on accepting the sponsorship of a “major” chicken wing franchise
but I do know their cheerleaders would have gotten a lot better looking.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 33-17

Kent State at Baylor
This is for the folks from “Protest U” that may be traveling to the game in Texas
Don’t get Wacko in Waco or you will wind up in Jail ’O
BEARS 43-10

New Mexico at Texas Tech
It’s time for Tech’s Saddle Tramps and High Riders
To get back on that horse and….
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 34-23

Tulsa at Rice
The Tulsa mascot looks like the Elephant man stuck his head in a Hornets nest…
What does that have to do with a Hurricane that is Golden?
I have no idea..
GOLDEN HURRICANES 31-24

Southern California at California
I have a question for those folks from California “The Home of Diversity”
If someone from Ghana married a person from Korea…
Would their children be Gonorrhean’s?
Just wondering…
GOLDEN BEARS 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Hey Coach Pete….
How’s that Dog Bite?

California Davis at Boise State
Cal Davis are known as the “Aggies”
But I like to think of them as another victim of the “Blue Monster”
BRONCO’S 44-10

Southern Methodist at Texas Christian
This is the “Battle for the Metroplex”
The game has been played every year since 1925 for the “Iron Skillet”
In the Dallas – Fort Worth area it doesn’t get any bigger than this on Saturday
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Southern Miss at UAB
I don’t know why the Boy’s from Birmingham have a Dragon as a mascot…..
There aren’t any “dragons” in Birmingham and certainly not in Alabama
But I did have this blind date once in Trussville…
Forget I mentioned it
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-14

New Mexico State at San Diego State
This promises to be the best game on ESPN U at 0200 EST…
Believe it!
AGGIES 20-17

Houston at UTEP
The Big Cats from Cow Town are for Real…
You don’t think so?
They have more conference wins in Conference USA and the Big 12 than any other team
COUGARS 38-17

More next week….
So stay tuned

Enjoy your games ….

RTR
MEB

Much like Richard Petty…..
It’s good to be the King….

Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator……
Finished Week One at 63 and 7 or a rather remarkable 90%…..
Not to mention…
Hitting the “Upset Special” and the exact score of the game…

However, even with this wonderful statistic..
I was roundly criticized in an email last week that said my writing style “wasn’t sophisticated enough…..”
The email went on to state that my website “should be more artsy”……

Me not sophisticated enough?

So with that in mind and in an effort to add some “sophistication” to my website….
I am going do a portion of the Week Two College Football Picks..
Through “Interpretive Dance”
Let me get loosened up before we get started, I don’t want to pull a hamstring…

THE GAMES

Thursday September 10th

Clemson at Georgia Tech
I wish I had better news for my Tiger faithful…
But I am serious about going on strike…
If I have to endure another season without tailgating with my adopted Clemson Family.
YELLOW JACKETS 28-17

Campbellsville at Carson Newman
Do you know what the mascot from Campbellsville is called?
“Gaylord the Camel”…..
Enough said…
SPARKS EAGLES 31-10

Slippery Rock at Kutztown
I wonder if Kutztown is close to Funky Town?
GOLDEN BEARS 24-20

Friday September 11th

Colorado at Toledo
When I read the Buffalos would be playing the Rockets…
I thought….
Wouldn’t it be great if I could put my sister-in-law on a rocket to Mars
I know…
Sometimes I wish for too much.
BUFFALOS 24-20

Worchester Tech at Worchester State
This Worchester Sauce rivalry has gotten out of hand…
I would pick this game, but I am a Tabasco man…
Sorry..

Saturday September 12th

Idaho State at Oklahoma
I couldn’t help but notice…
My River Dance closely resembles the Sooners running game this coming weekend
SOONERS 38-0

Syracuse at Penn State
I just hit by toe on the damn coffee table…
I need ice and some Tylenol…..
JOE PA’S LIONS 34-10

North Carolina at Connecticut
Don’t worry..
I can do the “Hula” with ice on my foot….
But it makes me wonder….
Did they call Don Ho’s wife, “Mrs. Ho”?
That’s just wrong…
TAR HEELS 24-21

Eastern Michigan at Northwestern
Before you ask….
“No” I am not wearing a grass skirt and a coconut bra…
WILDCATS 33-17

Richmond at Delaware
My Labrador Retriever “Doc”…
Must have thought I wanted to play while I was performing the “Hula”.
When I wasn’t paying attention he jumped up and hit me square in the Jimmy..
I have to set down for a minute…
BLUE HENS 28-24

Western Michigan at Indiana
Hoosier Bronco?
Sounds like the standard greeting at a Village People reunion Concert
HOOSIERS 24-20

Central Michigan at Michigan State
I need to limp into the kitchen and get another bag of ice…
Doc really nailed me
SPARTANS 38-10

Stanford at Wake Forest
Doc must have used both his front feet….
Because just for a second I thought I was going to pass out…

Wait, I need to concentrate on this game
Lets see…
We have the California “Tree” and that other mascot….
That looks like Jimmy Swaggart after a weekend bender
DEMON DEACONS 28-24

Fresno State at Wisconsin
Behold the Power of Pasteurized Velveeta
BADGERS 31-24

Duke at Army
One of the First signs of the coming Apocalypse?
The Black Knights of the Hudson win two games in a row…
BLACK KNIGHTS 33-14

Albion at Thiel College
“Tonic” has his own college?
He must have more money squirreled away than Ernest Tubb
But I have to ask….
Why is he playing against one of Prince’s former backup singers?
TONICS 24-17

EDITORS NOTE: The above was intended as an inside joke…
If you didn’t get it, don’t worry about it.

Pittsburgh at Buffalo
I wonder….
Is Pittsburg playing the City, the College or the Animal?
They need to be more specific..
PANTHERS 38-10

Iowa at Iowa State
This battle for instate supremacy is played for the coveted Cy-Hawk Trophy
Not really sure what that is…
But I am betting it’s not as valuable as the Floyd of Rosedale…
I just found out the Floyd of Rosedale is a Trophy of a Bronze Pig ..
How cool is that?
HAWKEYES 24-23

Troy at Florida
This is going to get uglier than my sister-in-law’s Prom Night
Minus the midnight blue eye shadow…
MIGHTY GATORS 54-10

Marshall at Virginia Tech
This is an excellent opportunity for me to perform….
The “Hokie Pokey….:”
Wait? Is it “put my left foot in” or the other way around?
Now I am confused…
I hope I don’t pull something..
HOKIES 38-10

Arkansas State at Nebraska
I knew I shouldn’t have attempted the “Electric Slide”….
After my wife just waxed the kitchen floor
I can’t believe I broke the coffee pot….
CORNHUSKERS 43-13

Kent State at Boston College
The folks from Kent State are known as the “Golden Flashes”
What are they referring too?
A bunch of old People flashing traffic in front of the Rest Home?
Sorry for the visual…
CHESNUTT HILL EAGLES 41-7

Gallaudet at Hiram
I knew and old man named Hiram when I was a little boy…
He was the toughest man I ever knew…
This fancy pants Frenchman wouldn’t stand a chance against him..
HIRAM SISK 43-24

Texas at Wyoming
Longhorns stampede Cowboys….
Film at Eleven…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 45-16

Houston at Oklahoma State
The Cowboys had better be careful…
The Cougars are for real….
COWBOY UP! 33-28

Texas Christian at Virginia
If the Cavaliers couldn’t beat a liquored up Bill and Mary
Then they sure can’t take a Horned Frog down…
It’s a rule…
HORNED FROGS 28-17

Susquehanna at Juniata
There is nothing quite like watching two Mexican girls fight…
While I perform the Macarena.
JUNIATA 17-10

Brigham Young at Tulane
The Green Wave will be reduced to a chartreuse trickle before this one is over..
COUGARS 33-13

Notre Dame at Michigan
In honor of this game…
I will now perform the Polka…

But to be perfectly honest…
I would rather be water boarded than listen to polka music..
FIGHTING IRISH 28-17

Howard at Rutgers
Howard? Howard Sprague from the Andy Griffith Show?
Doesn’t really matter here….
Because Barney Fife is still the man…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 38-0

Idaho at Washington
Keeping with the theme of “Idaho”…
I will now perform the “Mash Potato”…
MIGHTY HUSKIES 31-24

East Carolina at West Virginia
I love the smell of burned couches smoldering in the morning air…
It smells like…
Victory…
MOUNTAINEERS 34-24

Louisiana Tech at Navy
I won’t doubt the Midshipmen again…
At least not this week…
MIDSHIPMEN 33-24

South Arkansas at Valdosta State
Now this is a shame…
The Folks from “Football Country” in Valdosta Georgia…
Used to be known as the “Rebels”
But since that is deemed as “racist” by a bunch of Yankees
They are now known as the “Blazers”…
What is so scary about a nice sport coat?
Who sponsors them, The Men’s Wearhouse?
MEN’S WEARHOUSE 31-28

Southern Methodist at UAB
My Poor Ponies will be outmatched in this one…
That’s all I have to say about that…
BLAZERS 33-17

EDITORS NOTE: Why are these “Blazers” mascot a Dragon?
Is it a well dressed Dragon? A Dragon wearing a sport coat?
It doesn’t make sense to me…
Never mind…

UCLA at Tennessee
It seemed at first glance…
That performing a Tennessee version of a “Ho-Down” would be most appropriate for this game.
But that term has an entirely different meaning in OBKnoxville….
When a person says “Ho-Down” in OBKnoxville..
It is usually followed by someone yelling, “And call the Po-lice!”
VOWELS 33-24

Georgia Southern at South Dakota State
As far as I am concerned….
When it comes to Statesboro…
Coach Russell is still the man, the myth and the Legend.
EAGLES 24-21

Weber State at Colorado State
Have I mentioned lately…
That the folks from Weber make a wonderful little grill perfect for tailgating?
RAMS 31-14

Eastern Washington at California
Since the State of California has become “Mexico North”, I will now perform…
The Flamingo…
What’s with holding your hand in the air while you snap your fingers?
I don’t get it..
GOLDEN BEARS 44-10

Jacksonville State at Florida State
I almost lost my fingers in the damn ceiling fan…
I need to get some more ice and take some more Tylenol
SEMINOLES 34-0

James Madison at Maryland
I am not to sure about Jim….
But I know his lovely wife Dolly makes some wonderful donuts
Not that it matters here
FIGHTING TURTLES 31-17

La Grange at Shorter College
I KNEW there was a college for midgets!
HAW HAW HAW 24-14

EDITORS NOTE: In case you didn’t know..
The above Pick was in reference to my favorite ZZ Top song…

Murray State at North Carolina State
My Tennessee Vol “Salute” finger is so swollen it looks like a hotdog…
Glad I didn’t lose it…
WOLFPACK 23-17

Florida International at Alabama
The Folks from Florida should know all about High Tides by now…
CRIMSON TIDE 34-0

Vanderbilt at LSU
The Commodores haven’t beaten the Tigers in LSU since 1951..
That streak continues Saturday Night…
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-10

South Carolina at Georgia
This game is going to bloodier than Prom night at the Butcher School
DAWGS 20-17

North Alabama at Henderson State
The Boys from Florence get it done again this week…
LIONS 33-10

Mississippi State at Auburn
Get the toilet paper out Tiger fans….
And head on down to Toomer’s Corner…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 28-17

Air Force at Minnesota
I always thought “Salsa” was just a tasty dip with tortilla chips..
And “Doing the Salsa”..
Meant somebody had to run down to Piggly Wiggly to get more dip at halftime.
Who knew it was actually a dance?
FALCONS 28-24

Bowling Green at Missouri
Despite the fact “Curley” is my favorite of the Three Stooges..
I still have go with MO in this one..
MO’S TIGERS 33-13

Hawaii at Washington State
I was going to watch this game….
But, the North American Pineapple Skinning Championships are on ESPN U…
I can’t miss it…
Sorry…
WARRIORS skipping over RAINBOWS 6-3

Illinois State at Illinois
“Run here come the Sycamore Trees!”
Sorry, I still don’t get it…
FIGHTN’ PUMPKINS 31-10

Central Florida at Southern Miss
On paper this is going to be a really close game…
But they don’t play football games on paper.
GOLDEN EAGLES 27-23

Rice at Texas Tech
I would never disappoint my Red Raider faithful
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS! 34-17

Kansas at Texas El Paso UTEP
I figured out what “Salsa” means in Spanish…
It means…
“If you aren’t careful, you will pull a muscle in your hip”
JAYHAWKS 23-21

South Florida at Western Kentucky
I really didn’t think this whole “Interpretive Dance” idea through..
Or I would have bought more ice..
NO BULL 31-17

Southern California at Ohio State
Maybe I have injured myself too much today with my interpretive dance..
Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking…
It could just be my deep hatred of everything Southern California
Either way…
I am a believer
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 24-17

Miami (Ohio) at Boise State
Remember you heard it here first…
The Broncos will finish the season undefeated…
BRONCOS 34-10

Tulsa at New Mexico
My hand is so swollen from catching it in the ceiling fan that I am typing with my elbow.
Not the one I hit with the coffee pot, the other elbow.
But setting on this ice pack makes me appreciate how polar bears must feel.
GOLDEN HURRICANES 33-28

Northern Arizona at Arizona
I was going to do this ballet thing….
But I think I broke my toe on the coffee table earlier doing the damn River Dance
Sorry..
WILDCATS 6-3

Purdue at Oregon
I was trying to think of something positive to say about the Quackers
But the Tylenol is starting to kick in…
BOILERMAKERS 23-17

Utah at San Jose State
I have a semi-unrelated Philosophical question for you…
If San Jose is everybody’s Home Coming Game…
Then who do they play at Home Coming?
Makes you wonder. Doesn’t it?
TWO UTES 34-10

Oregon State at UNLV
Next time I want to do the picks through “Interpretive Dance”
I think I will just have somebody beat me with a fungo bat for an hour.
It won’t hurt nearly as bad…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 38-17

After I return from the Emergency Room…..
I will have a special update for you tomorrow…
So stay tuned….

Enjoy your games…

RTR
MEB

Sorry I haven’t written lately….
As you all know I am in the Musical production at Dollywood called….
“Who Let the Clogs Out…”

That show has taken off like a fresh bought Roman Candle!
I ain’t kiddin neither!
When I go down to the beauty parlor to get my mullet dyed, everybody knows my name!

But fame does have its draw backs…

You guessed it….
I done went and got me a stalker…
And let me tell you….

That gal is crazy as a June bug in a mayonnaise jar….

That’s her getting arrested….

So with all the attention….
I thought it best to say good-bye to the Peyton Manning Trailer Park and Casa Da Hootie…
And I moved into what they call a “gated” community….

It’s kind of exclusive….
It’s only for what they call “upscale Tennessee Vol Fans”…

Here is a picture from the brochure them people sent me from the gated community..
It’s nice ain’t it?

Ladies, if you ins is in the neighborhood feel free to stop by the new and improved Casa Da Hootie….
All except you know who, the judge told you to restrain yourself!

But that ain’t what I want to catch you up on right now…
I got a surprise for yawl!
I don’t know if yawl remembers….
But a sometime back I talked to them folks from McDonalds about an idea I had…
“The McMuskrat” sandwich…and the “McPossum” burger….

Well them smart ass people laughed me out of the room…
But it’s just like my momma always told us…
They laughed at the Righteous brothers too when they started out..
Then before you know it they was singing and flying everywhere…

So I got to thinking….
And Wham O!
It Hit Me!

So I went and rented me a previously owned single wide close to town and I am a opening…
You ready?
HOOT-R’s
Get it? It’s like that other place, but it uses my name too!

I am going to have the grand opening….
Just in time for the first Tennessee Volunteer football game on the season!
GO VOLS!

I am going to have the greatest football coach in the whole damn world there too!
You guessed it Coach Phil Fulmer!

Not really sure why Coach Phil is a eattin that Twinkie fellow…
But I am a guessing he must be hungry…
Anyway…

Guess who else is going to be at the Grand Opening?
Just for you men out there…
Last years Homecoming Queen from the University of Tennessee
Miss Claudette Strunk!
GO VOLS!
I even got a picture of her as we was setting up the restaurant…

She is hotter than a jalapeño pepper ain’t she?

I got everything you want for a Tennessee Volunteer Party!

By the way…No Gators allowed.

So come on down to HOOT-R’s…
Look for the sign next to the single wide just outside of Baneberry Tennessee on Leadmine Road…

Don’t be afraid to ask for my autograph…It’s free.

Hootie – Out!

As many of you may know….
There have been a lot of changes on the University of Tennessee campus since Lane Tiffin took over the Volunteer Football Program….

Running water…

In-door plumbing…

Electricity…

Shoes….

But prehaps the most striking change this year…
Will be the change to one (of the many) of the University of Tennessee’s Mascots.

That’s right, you heard it here first!
“Smokey” the blue tick hound….
Will be replaced with “something more recognizable” and with a “breed” more in tune with todays society.

Athletic Director Mike Hamilton and Coach Lane Tiffin are currently looking into the variety of options available.

In an effort to assist the University of Tennessee…
I have started my own on-line contest to assist them in their efforts.
Why?
Because I care….

The First entry comes from Gertrude Hobgoblin from Twisted Branch, Tennessee

“Hi my name is Gertrude Hobgoblin and I am 82 years old and I live in Twisted Branch Tennessee.
I think my poodle “Liberace” would make the perfect mascot for the Tennessee Vols!

Why just the other day we was a watching “Wheel of Fortune”
(Liberace just Loves Pat Sajak!)
There was this boy on there…
With a damn Florida Gator shirt on!

You know what Liberace done?
He hiked his leg and peed right on that television screen!

It shorted out my trailer and caused a small fire….
But it showed what he was a thinking about them damn Gators!

I think a poodle is the right dog for the Vols!

Plus if I win this contest I can get me some new teeth and a television set”

Our next entry this week comes from Chuck “Dumpy” Clark from Three Toe, Tennessee.

“My name is “Dumpy” Clark and I got the dog mascot for them Tennessee Volunteers!

His name is “Barney” and he may not look like much….
But you ought to here him a howl when them Vols score!
Granted he ain’t done it much in a year or so..
But he can do other tricks too!

You ought to see what he can do with your leg!
That boy loves him some leg!

Anyway, Vote for Barney and Go Vols!”

PS – They call me “Dumpy” cause I drive a dump truck….
not cause I had me a bathroom problem at that damn mexican joint near the by-pass.

Our last entry of the week comes to us….
All the way from Turkey Knuckle, Tennessee and Harold “Turnip” Stankle.

“Folks around here call me “Turnip” cause my head is a shaped like a Turnip…
But I ain’t a want’n to talk about that right now..

I got the dog them Volunteers are a looking for a mascot!

I call him “Peanut”…
This ole boy can flat get after it!

He does this little ole dance to Rocky Top that will make you fall off your bar stool!

I believe this dog is what Tennesse is all about!
I say we put ole Peanut in the game and see what he can do!
What do you say?

PS – I was a going to put a jersey on him….
But he bit the hell out of me when I was a trying to squeeze it over his head and then he run up that gum tree.

I got to go to the vet now and get a shot before a damn inclination sets in”

If nothing else….
I think we may have found our replacement for Hootie…

Feel free to Vote right here my loyal readers…
The University of Tennessee needs your help.

Have a great weekend….

RTR
MEB

I know….

But Please Stop.. you are embarrassing me….

Just Because I was THE ONLY College Football Prognosticator in the Country to Pick the Texas Christian Horned Frog win (Not an “upset”) last night over the “Undefeated” BYU Cougars is no reason for such adulation…..

I am just a simple College Fooball Prognosticating Genius…

Sort of like “Rain Man”…without the stammer…

Enjoy Your Picks!

College Football NEWS and VIEWS

TENNESSEE: Did anyone see or hear the pregame “interviews” with selected Tennessee Players before last weeks game with Georgia?

In case you missed it…

Here is a brief review….

Defensive Lineman Robert Ayers from Cilio, South Carolina…

“We Ima Heba Go baaa Too Ratba….I sama geaam!”

Offensive Lineman Anthony Parker from Jonesboro, Georgia….

“GOO da bam an da big ga bubba, do da gema too!”

and Last but not Least….

Quarterback Nick Stephens from Flower Mound, Texas…

“EWUS de see moo to harrr, te gema form tut!”

EDITORS NOTE: I am almost certain they are all “Speech” Majors….

TENNESSEE (PART II): Anybody see ALL the Tennessee Volunteer Mascots lined up on the sidelines last weekend in Georgia?
It looked like the cast from “Alice in Wonderland”….
There was a Mountain Man….yet they aren’t the “Mountaineers”
and they aren’t the “David Crockett’s”….
or even the “Crockett’ers”…

EDITORS NOTE: I think the “Crockett’ers” sounds like an Old Peoples Dancing Club…

 
THEN….
There was the student in the Dog Costume…
and they aren’t the “Dogs”…
or the “Dawgs”…
Or even the “Huckleberry Hounds”…

EDITORS NOTE: Although that is a thought….

Then there is the “Real” Blue Tick Hound…
Yet…
We already covered the “Canine” topic haven’t we?

Did you see the student in the “Orange” Costume?
I know they have a lot of “Fruits” in Tennessee…
But “Oranges”?

TENNESSEE (PART III): I am still waiting to hear from my Tennessee Vol fans on the Trivia question….
 ”Who was the Last Quarterback to Start for the Vols from the state of Tennessee…?”

Don’t worry….

I’ll wait….

AUBURN: First the “Good News”….

Coach Tubberville fired “Himself” this week after calling what he described as a horrible game last week with Arkansas…

Now the “Bad News”….

Coach Tubberville then hired “Himself” back with a 6 million dollar buy-out clause…

OKLAHOMA STATE: You boys damn sure Cowboy’d Up!
Congratulations on a GREAT Win….

OLE MISS: I have a “Safety Tip” for any Rebel Fans planning on making the trip to “T” Town this weekend…
“IF” any of you Rebel Fans that threw bottles (and yes even shoes..)..and spit on our players after last years game in Oxford attempt the same stunt again this year…

YOU will not get out of T-Town in the same shape you arrived….

That’s a promise…

COMMERCIALS: What the Hell is wrong with the folks from Pizza Hut?

A commercial that shows a Father ”showing” his son how to eat a slice of pizza?

We are not interested in the “Further Adventures of the Wussy Family”…

AP and USA TODAY POLLS: SOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo
The Southern California Trojans are Number #6 in one poll…
and…
Number # 8 in another poll?

I am sorry, I can’t seem to remember…
Who have they played to “GET BACK” into the Top Ten?

Nobody….
“ENTITLEMENT”…..

The Ohio State Buckeyes lost to (by the national media accounts) “The Best Team EVER”…

Yet they can’t get back into the Top Ten….

Why?
“ENTITLEMENT”…..

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: YOU still aren’t on probation? Really?

Who did you have for NCAA Investigatiors, O.J.’s “First” jury?

NCAA: You know what’s coming now right?

“So where is the Investigation into Reggie Bu$h and the $outhern California Trojan$?”

We are still waiting….

ESPN: If you were watching the Texas – Oklahoma game: Then you heard the worse, most uncomfortable conversation of all time during a broadcast college football game between Brent Musberger and Kirt Herbstreit….

KIRT: I love the atmosphere of this game with the Texas State Fair right outside the Cotton Bowl..

BRENT: Isn’t that the Texas Ferris Wheel in the distance?

KIRT: Let me see..I am reading from the Texas State Fair Guide..
The Texas State Ferris Wheel is one of the largest free standing Ferris Wheels in the World at Over 200 plus feet tall…

BRENT: What do you say you and I take a ride on that after the game?

KIRT: What? No, that’s alright……
Looks like Oklahoma is ready to take the field after the time-out…

BRENT: We could relax on the wheel and forget about the troubles on Wall Street and see the lights of Dallas from up there….

KIRT: No, that’s alright Brent I’ll pass….

EDITORS NOTE: Just when you think Brent Musburger couldn’t get any creeper….
He wants to get all “Mister McFeely” with Kirt Herbstreit…..

ESPN (PART II): Thanks so much for adding “another” studio analyst to an already crowded lineup…

Todd McShay..”Director of College Scouting”

Are YOU Kidding me?

Call him what he is…..

Another..
“Master of the Obvious”…

CLEMSON: Although about FOUR years too late to suit me….

YOU made the right decision…

It’s time to get a REAL Football Coach for the Tigers….

One is on the way…
Believe me…

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, could you start picking some other “smaller” schools in the northeast?
Think about it!
Ben – Dover, Delaware
A: O My Gosh….
ARE you KIDDING Me!
“BEN DOVER”?
I may have peed on myself….

Q: Mike, I know this is not your normal subject matter…
 But what do you know about today’s ”so-called”… ”Energy Drinks”?
Are they harmful?
Thanks!
Molly – Fort Smith, Arkansas
A: Molly you came to the right place…
“Little Known” fact  we folks in the South have known for years…
Mountain Dew is the “Orginal” Energy Drink…
You don’t think so?
If you drink Mountain Dew for breakfast for four years you can’t donate blood..
Enough said…

Q: I want to thank Hootie Snitch for the smoking hot picture of that “girl” he got arrested with!
Bunch of us done downloaded the picture and got it blowed up!
It’s hanging in the work shed right now!
Skeeter – Dandridge, Tennessee
A: See the below email…

Q: DAMN! Where in the Hell did Hootie Snich find that GOOD Looking Gal?
LORDY I done copied that picture and sent it to all my friends!
Hot damn, I am still all lathered up over that picture!
War Eagle!
Chip – Loachapoka, Alabama
A: It’s nice to know that Hootie has “Interstate” appeal…

Q: Helloo! I want you to know that I enjoy your article!
I read each week!
You inspire me to follow my dreams!
I inspire to be the FIRST Asian Ghost Buster!
YES!
So I go back to Hong Kong and follow my dream!
Chang – San Francisco, California
(Hong Kong!)
A: SOOOooooooooooooooooo
Who you gonna Crawl?

THE GAMES

Saturday October 18th

Texas Tech at Texas A&M
If you have children in the room when this game is on…
Please, send them out to play…
This is going to be really ugly…
As in my Sister-in-Law in a string bikini ugly…
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 38-17

Vanderbilt at Georgia
On paper this looks like a really close game…
But Football isn’t played on paper…
HOW Bout Them DAWGS!
DAWGS 28-17

LSU at South Carolina
Please see “Texas Tech at Texas A&M” for a graphic description of this game…
FIGHT’N TIGERS 31-14

EDITORS NOTE: Sorry for the above visuals, but yes…
They will be “That” ugly…

Syracuse at South Florida
A team called the “Orange” goes to Florida and gets squeezed…

Coincidence?

I think not…
BULLS 33-10

Kutztown at East Stroudsburg
Is Kutztown close to Funky Town?
Just wondering….

Wake Forest at Maryland
I wish I had a shirt that says…
“I Got Crabs in Maryland”…
But sometimes I wish for too much…
NINJA TURTLES 24-21

Purdue at Northwestern
I would watch this game but I have all the symptoms….
That I am getting Disco Fever…
WILLDCATS 24-23

Memphis at East Carolina
I don’t know where either team has been for the past three weeks…
So this is a toss up…
PIRATES 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Maybe Skip Holtz has been too busy “Interviewing” for the Clemson job before it even became open….

Because he has….

Connecticut at Rutgers
The Jersey (Pronounced: Jeo-seeeeee) Cinderella lost her shoes….
And…..
Mid-Night Powder Blue Eye Shadow…
HUSKIES 27-21 

Georgia Tech at Clemson
Everything says the folks from Carolina won’t win….
But this is about “Pride”….
I am a Believer…
TIGERS 23-21

Frostburg State at Ithaca
You know a school is ten miles from the artic circle when they name it “Frost-burg”…
Or maybe….
This is the school were “Frosted Flakes” was invented…
Never mind..

Wisconsin at Iowa
Will the Mighty Badgers lose four in a row?
Not this year….
Believe in the Power of Cheese……
BADGERS 33-27

Nebraska at Iowa State
Did anybody see the “Black Shirts” take the Red Raiders to Overtime last week?
Enough said…
CORNHUSKERS 34-17

Kansas at Oklahoma
My Choice for the “Last Team on the Planet to Play when they are Mad as Hell”…..

BOOMER SOONERS 34-23

Colorado State at Utah
I really didn’t know which way to go on this one…….
But I just got finished watching “My Cousin Vinnie..”
TWO UTES 33-28

Baylor at Oklahoma State
Have I mentioned that the Baylor School of Medicine is one of the finest Medical Schools in the country?
They may need it when this is over….
COWBOY UP! 31-17

Southern Miss at Rice
I wish I could take the Golden Eagles in this one….
and I would have…
But you got rid of Coach Bower…
MY FAVORITE PUDDING 24-20

Ole Miss at Alabama
Let’s keep this one simple shall we?
CRIMSON TIDE 27-17

Southern California at Washington State
The cougars couldn’t whip cream……
TROJAN$ 116-0

Ohio State at Michigan State
This is going to be one hell of an old fashion Big Ten..I mean “Eleven” Fight…
Don’t blink….
BUCKEYES 23-20

Westminster at LaGrange College
“Haw..Haw Haw…”
I just couldn’t resist another ZZ Top reference…

North Carolina at Virginia
I think the world of those boys from the Old Dominion…
But…
The Tar Heels are for REAL….
(Just like I told you they were at the begining of the season..)
TAR HEELS 28-17

Pittsburg at Navy
Do you know who I think will have a “Big” day in this game?
The Midshipman Quarterback….
“Kaippo-Nooa KKahheeakku- Ennhhadda”

That poor boy’s name starts at the back of his jersey and goes all the way to the front….

MIDSHIPMEN 23-21

 
Hiram at Eartham
If your name is Hiram…
You are harder than Woodepecker Lips…
It’s a Law…
HIRAM whips EARTHAM’s Ass….

MTSU at Louisville
Everytime I see one of these “Alphabet Soup” Schools…
I have the uncontrollable urge to “Buy a Vowel”….
CARDINALS 38-17

Randolph Macon at Emory & Henry
I wish this was Randolph “Bacon”…
Because….
There is nothing like pork products to enhance a Tailgating experience…
I’m Just saying….

Miami (FL) at Duke
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!
WHAT?
Have you lost your damn minds?
HURRICANES 33-16

Army at Buffalo
O.K…..
West Point has “won” two weeks in a row….
Which is normally a sign of the coming Apocalypse…
But in his case I believe it means….
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 27-24

Marshall at UAB
Here we go with “Alphabet Soup” again…
“Vanna Darling could I buy a Vowel?”

EDITORS NOTE: FACT….
When the above is spoken with a Southern accent…
You automatically win the Grand Prize….
Not that is matters here…

THUNDERING HERD 31-13

Stanford at UCLA
Another “BIG GAME” in the PAC 10 this week….
I would watch it too….
But….
“Mr. Potato Head: Behind The Music” is on VH1….
Sorry…
BRUINS 23-21

Michigan at Penn State
The Wolverines “Might” win this game…..
And….
Mrs. Coach Rod “Might” not dress like a ten dollar hooker….

We all know….
Neither of which is possible…
JO PA’S LIONS 31-16

Kansas State at Colorado
My Sister-in-Law “reviewed” the films of her leading the Colorado Team onto the field a few weeks ago…..
She thinks the camera makes the hump on her back look “smaller”….
If only it could do something with that one foot that looks like a hoof…
BUFFALOS 33-28

Arkansas at Kentucky
I can honestly say…..
I have NO Idea who has the advantage here…
Take your pick…
WILDCATS 27-24

Oregon State at Washington
I am not ashamed to say it…..
Damn It…
I Love Beavers!
BEAVERS 34-14

EDITORS NOTE: Please, No Hate Mail this week from people who think I am being Nasty…
I am just talking about the BEAVERS!

Idaho at Louisiana Tech
I think ”Famous Potatoes” are going to get a Cajun Mashing…
DOOLEY’S BULLDOGS 38-10

Mississippi State at Tennessee
I believe Coach Croom’s Dog’s are Hungry…..
and are more than capable….
Of Treeing a Volunteer…
CROOM’S BULLDOGS

Lenoir Rhyne at Carson Newman
If this was LeeAnn Rimes I still think the Eagles would win…
It would just be more fun to watch…
SPARKS EAGLES 34-24

Occidental at Chapman
Don’t they mean “accidental”?
NOW that makes sense….

Missouri at Texas
Everybody thinks MO’s Tigers will beat the Longhorns…
Just like “THEY” all thought the Sooners would roll the Horns up last week….

HOOK EM….
LONGHORNS 38-34

Virginia Tech at Boston College
IF the Turkeys want to have a chance in this game they better get that Big Ole Wang in the game….
HOKIES 24-23

EDITORS NOTE: What Now? I was talking about Ed WANG….

San Jose State at New Mexico State
I think “San Jose” is Spanish for….
I just got my ass Kicked in New Mexico…
AGGIES 34-23

UTEP at Tulsa
What is it with all the Alphabet Soup U’s this week?
TEP-U and Golden Hurricanes too?
Common decency prevents me from commenting on this one…

HURRICANES of GOLD 38-33

Indiana at Illinois
I still haven’t heard back from you folks in Indiana on the name change from “Hoosiers” (Which nobody knows what the hell that is…)

To…”The Gomers!”
With!
Jim Nabors as an Official Sponsor!

How does this sound….
“Here come the Gomers! SHAZAM!”
Just think about it…that’s all I ask

ZOOKS FIGHTN PUMPKINS 34-17

Houston at Southern Methodist
My Poor Ponies have been rode hard and put up wet….
COUGARS 43-24

California at Arizona
I would watch this game but Mike Tyson is going to be on Celebrity Jeopardy…

I hope I get to hear him say…

“I’wa take “People I want to Kill” for 500 Al-wex”….

BEARS 38-24

Air Force at UNLV
Seriously….
What is the Deal with all the Acronym U’s this week?
Next week I am going to combine all the Acronym-Alphabet Schools into one word…
It will be like Scrabble for cool people…
FALCONS 33-31

Enjoy Your Games!

RTR
MEB

It’s that time of the year (Again)……

The names of the games alone are enough to make you break into goosebumps….

They are called many things….

The Red River Rivalry or The Red River Shoot-Out…

But the game between Oklahoma and Texas is above all else….

A Border WAR….

Then there is the tussle between the Hedges in Athens…
Between…

Tennessee and Georgia…..

Also…
This weekend…
The Black Shirts of Nebraska Invade Lubbock….

EDITORS NOTE: Have I mentioned that Lubbock is the home of Buddy Holly?

In “The Swamp”…..
The Defending National Champion LSU Fightn’ Tigers are in Gainesville to take on the Mighty Gators….

Jo Pa and his Lions of Penn State take on the “Power of Cheese” in the Wisconsin Badgers…

And who can forget….
Another weekend with the NCAA’s collective head (and ass) in the sand as they pretend we are all going to forget the investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans…

Don’t worry my friends…

I won’t let you forget…

There is a lot to cover, so let’s get to it!

 Enjoy Your Picks!

College Football NEWS and VIEWS

TENNESSEE: I have the answer to your Football problems!
The problem my semi-beloved Volunteer fans is rooted in the lack of players from Tennessee on the Tennessee Volunteer football team roster….

Do you know how many “Starters” From the state of Tennessee are on the Volunteer football team?

“5″…..
As in the number “After 4″ and the number “Before 6″….
In case you all forgot…
That is out of 22…(24 if you count the punter and kicker..)

Why is this important?

Does anyone in California or Washington D.C. or Oregon “really” care what the University of Tennessee does or doesn’t do on any particular weekend?
Do they even know where “Tennessee” is located?
Your players from those places don’t care either…
Because they didn’t grow up with “IT”…

If you don’t think this is important then I have a “little” Trivia question for all the Tennessee Volunteer Fans out there….

“When was the last starting Quarterback at the University of Tennessee…..
From the state of Tennessee….”

This may take a while…so I’ll wait.

EDITORS NOTE: The GOOD News for all the disgruntled Tennessee Volunteer fans out there, is that YOU have a “Tennessee” team to pull for in the state that has more than “5″ starters from the State of Tennessee on the Team…

They are called the Vanderbilt Commodores….

CONGRATULATIONS (again) VANDY!!!!!!!

TENNESSEE (PART II): As a side note from the Tennessee – Auburn game
Maybe the Fat Man should have gone to court before the Auburn game and faced the music like he was suppose too…

Ever think about that?

I have…
There is a name for it too….

It’s called Karma…

MISSOURI: SOooooooo Tiger Quarterback Chase Daniel said he was being spit on by the Husker defensive players last Saturday….
The time to complain about that kind of behavior “isn’t” on Sunday afternoon…dumbass.

WEST POINT: Congratulations on your first “Big” Win last weekend since Appomattox….

VANDERBILT: Your First 5 and 0 start since 1943….

The first time you beat Auburn since 1955…..

And Yes….

I predicted it…….

No Need to thank me…

CLEMSON: To My Beloved Tiger Friends and Family….
I feel and understand your pain and frustration…

Have no fear….
Change is coming…..

TELEVISION COMMERCIALS: Seriously….Geico.

KILL the DAMN caveman commercials….

It’s over….

Stop the madness….

I am serious….

WISCONSIN: So the Badger Marching Band was “suspended” because of hazing?

How bad can “hazing” really be with a marching band…

AUBURN: So do you all believe in the “Corso Curse” Yet?

You thought I was joking about that…didn’t you?

AUBURN (PART II): SOOOooooo Ole Ears Tubberville fired the Offensive Coordinator Tony Franklin this week after what? Five games?

There are two ways to look at this War Eagle Fans….

One…Talk about wanting your “instant” Grits?

or…

Two…
When Ole Ears feels the heat, it’s time for somebody to go under the bus…

ESPN: Last Saturday’s College Gameday with Kenny Chesney….
There is SOOOoooo many things wrong with THAT I don’t know where to begin…

We ALL know he was there to promote his “New” Album…

We also know he is trying to be the Jimmy Buffet of “His” generation….

However I think naming your album…
“The Butt Pirates of the Caribbean”
Well, that is just wrong….

NCAA: Seriously….The jokes over!
When are you going to let us all in on the “results” of the “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Univer$ity of $outhern California Trojan$?
If your “Investigators” need any help finding Reggie Bush’s Momma and Daddy’s house I will be happy to show them how to use “MapQuest”.

I am here for you…..

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA: So last weekend Trojan Quarterback Mark Sanchez re-injured his knee during the game with Oregon…
The PAC 10 Officials threw a flag and penalized the Oregon Ducks a 100 yards for hurting a “Hyphenated- American” which resulted in the automatic loss of the game….

I think that is the first time I ever heard of that penalty?
What about you?

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA TROJAN$ TESTIMONIALS

“The Southern California Trojans defeated the Klingons, saved the whales and made us the kick-ass World Super Power we are today!”

- William Shatner

“I really like that big white horse that this part of the Southern California Mascot….
With it’s long face…big teeth…and wide butt…
I would have sworn I was looking at my wife..”

- Miles Brand: President NCAA

 U$C TROJAN$: Seriously…..
Shouldn’t you all be on Probation by Now?

You know…
NO Television….
NO Bowl games…
Loss of 20 Scholarships…
Per year…
For five years…
Loss of your National Championship…
ALL of your wins for those years…voided.
Loss of the Heisman for Reggie Bush…

Sound about right?

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: We saw what u-ins wrote about Peyton Manning last week!
You is innorant as hell!
Peyton is a Saint!!!!
Just like that Old Teresa’s Mother!
If wants to touch them Tennessee players before the game, well then By God we knows he got a good reason!
Maybe he’s a trying to heal them or something!
Cooter – Erwin, Tennessee
A: If you will try and justify those comments…..
Then I REALLY don’t want to know what you would do for a “Klondike Bar”….

It would be too embarrasing….

Q: Mike I am a Proud Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket Fan…
My neighbor told me because I don’t own a weed eater that means I am a Homosexual.
Is that true?
Chip – Atlanta, Georgia
A: Break out your Kenny Chesney CD’s Chip…
It’s true…

Q: Mike, you haven’t mentioned it in a while, but is your sister-in-law still dating that guy with the glass eye from the Carnival?
Sally – Benton, Arkansas
A: I can’t remember his name, so around my house we just refer to him as ”Mr. Peepers”….
But I have to tell you that they broke up. but promised to “Remain Friends”…
Which really means, we may see him “again” at Thanksgiving…
God Help me…

Q: Mike I have a question that I really hope you can help us out with..
We Texas A&M Aggies are having a tough year…
Some would say, a really tough year…
Is there anything that you can tell us that will give us hope and encouragement?
Roger – La Grange, Texas
A: I wish I could help you out Roger…
But when I saw “La Grange Texas” on your email…
The only thing I could think of was….

“Haw Haw Haw…..”

“Have mercy…..”

EDITORS NOTE: I am thankful that I finally got to have a ZZ Top reference…

Q: Mike, why would Peyton Manning “defend” Phil Fulmer they way he did a week ago on the Auburn sidelines?
Thanks!
Chris – Maryville, Tennessee
A: Chris…
I have on good authority it has to do with a “certain” picture involving a “former” Tennessee Quarterback….
A Hamster…
One Bottle of Wesson Oil…
And..
A “Certain” grossly overweight Tennessee Football Coach….

Playing a game of Semi-Nude “Twister” that went horribly wrong…

THE GAMES

Saturday October 11th

Texas and Oklahoma
The Texas State Fair….
Dallas, Texas
The Red River Shoot Out…..

The Cotton Bowl….

This game has all the atmosphere of a gunfight….

My Friends, it doesn’t get any bigger than this….

HOOK’EM HORNS 27-24

Iowa at Indiana
So we go from the “Red River Shoot-out”……
To the Homers and the Eyes of the Hawk…
This like going from watching the Sugar Bowl…
To watching re-runs of the 2002 Mid-American Regional Junior Chess Championships…

Kill me now….
HOMERS 24-21

EDITORS NOTE: If the folks from Indiana will go with renaming their team the “Gomers”; I can almost guarantee a “sponsorship” from Jim Nabors…
Just think about it…
That’s all I ask…

Toledo at Michigan
Must be “Homecoming” in Ann Arbor…
But Please don’t let Coach Rod’s wife be the “Homecoming Queen”….

You have one Ten Dollar Hooker for a Homecoming Queen and that’s all everyone talks about for ten years….
You don’t think so?
Ask the folks in OBKnoxville…..
WOLVERINES 34-17

East Carolina at Virginia
The Pirates right the ship this weekend…
(Thought that up myself…)
PIRATES 27-17

Syracuse at West Virginia
Victory in Morgantown smells like….
BURNING Couches!
Light Em UP!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-14

Minnesota at Illinois
Golden Gophers: The OTHER White Meat…
ZOOK’S FIGHTING PUMPKINS 34-17

Rutgers at Cincinnati
Have I mentioned that Cincinnati is the Chili Capitol of the Mid-West…
Well it is…
If you ever get a chance to try that “Goldstar” or “Skyline” Chili….
Lord…that is something special

Also as a medical side note: IF you are suffering from constipation, you will be “cured” within 12 hours of eating any of the above mentioned chili…

Forget I mentioned it….
BEARKATS 28-23

Colorado at Kansas
I must confess….
These Hawks of Jay fought like the Devil last weekend and….
NEVER gave up….
I like that…
JAY’S HAWKS 38-27

South Carolina at Kentucky
After the Wildcats scared the crap out of me last weekend…
This one is easy…
WILDCATS 24-21

Utah at Wyoming
I love those folks from Cowboy Country…
But Cousin Vinnie says this game is about the….
TWO UTES 28-17

Kansas State at Texas A&M
I have no reason to believe this will actually happen..
Just so you all know…
GIG EM AGGIES 28-24

Vanderbilt at Mississippi State
Common Wisdom would favor the Bulldogs…
But there is something special about these Commodores…
COMMODORES 24-14

EDITORS NOTE: Sorry Jim…I hope I am wrong.

Ursinus at Franklin Marshall
As in “Your Sinus”?
I guess it’s better than “UR-Anus”…
Never mind…

Nebraska at Texas Tech
Did I mention that Lubbock is the Home of the Great Buddy Holly?
I thought so…
“All my life I’ve been a waiting…
Tonight they will no hesitating….”

SO Get THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 43-17

EDITORS NOTE: I have been waiting for the right time to spring a Buddy Holly reference on you…

Arizona State at USC
The Sun Devils couldn’t beat a damn egg….
TROJAN$ 136-0

Tennessee at Georgia
Between the Hedges…
UGA VII is Hunkered Down….
RUN YOU SILVER BRITCHES!
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS? 27-17

EDITORS NOTE: Many of you may think…
“He just picked Georgia because he Hates Tennessee…”
That is only half the story…
I do dearly Love those Dawgs…

Purdue at Ohio State
It is written….
“And a freshman shall lead them….”

- Book Of Hayes

It’s in the Bible….Enough said.
BUCKEYES 33-17

Notre Dame at North Carolina
I wish I cared…
But I don’t…
TAR HEELS 31-24

Greenville at LaGrange College
“Haw Haw…Haw…”
Sorry, I still can’t get over my earlier ZZ Top reference….

Michigan State at Northwestern
I know…
I Know…
The Wildcats have their BEST Record since 1962….
Bla..Bla…Bla..
But that Ringer Kid is a Stud…
CALL THE SPARTANS 24-21

Texas Christian at Colorado State
Did somebody say TCU is the Home of Bob Lilly?
I did…
HORNED FROGS 28-24

Garner Webb at Georgia Tech
“Garner Webb” sounds like a Law Firm…
I hope they know “accident” and “Workers Comp” Law…
YELLOW JACKETS 44-0

Carson Newman at Catawba
You really can’t pronounce “Catawba” correctly unless you spit on yourself…
Which is disgusting…
SPARKS EAGLES 31-21

Central Florida at Miami (FL)
Must be “Homecoming” in Coral Gables…
Don’t disappoint me two weeks in a row Canes…
Please?
HURRICANES 38-14

New Mexico State at Nevada
The Wolfpack are a really good football team this year….
BUT the Aggies (with threats to the Administration to bring back “Pistol Pete” by yours truly…)

Are something special…..
I am a believer…
AGGIES 43-38

Arkansas at Auburn
If the Tigers lose again I wonder who Ears will toss under the bus?
No need to worry….
It ain’t happening….
WAR EAGLES 24-17

Juniata at Muhlenberg
Sounds like the story of some Mexican gal riding a mule doesn’t it?
Never mind….

Arizona at Stanford
Gosh, this would really be a “Great” PAC 10 matchup to watch….
But the Hamster Olympics are on ESPN 3 at the same time…..
CARDINAL 6-3

New Mexico at Brigham Young
The Low Blows take a shot in the Jimmy…..
COUGARS 38-17

EDITORS NOTE: Yes, I am that easily amused….

Washington State at Oregon State
Unless you are Sigfried and Roy….
Or Kenny Chesney…..
YOU believe in the Power of the Beaver…
BEAVERS 34-14

EDITORS NOTE: O.K. What did I say this time?
I was just talking about the Beaver…
So let it go….

Ball State at Western Kentucky
You may wonder: Will Ball State continue on their Cinderella Season?
Yes, for another week anyway…
CARDINALS 27-17

Iowa State at Baylor
I was trying to come up with a “Bears and Cyclones O’ My” Wizard of Oz reference…
But it just sounded creepy…
Sorry…
BEARS 27-24

Oklahoma State at Missouri
The Cowboys in the rear view mirror are a-lot closer than they appear…
MO’S TIGERS 33-28

LSU at Florida
I believe the Fightn’ Tigers have the better overall team…
But this game is in the Swamp..
And the Gators have Tim Tebow….
MIGHTY GATORS 24-21

Penn State at Wisconsin
The Badgers believe in the “Power of Cheese”…
Well Jo Pa “Cuts” the Cheese whenever he wants….
So there…
JO PA’S LIONS 31-17

Boise State at Southern Miss
After last week’s disappointment…..
(Which (by the way) would NOT have happened if you would have kept Coach Bowers..)
BRONCOS 34-17

Tulsa at Southern Methodist
I only have three words to say about this game…
“My Poor Ponies…”
GOLDEN HURRICANES 43-24

Tulane at UTEP
You say “Potato”, I say…
MINERS 31-14

EDITORS NOTE: I know….
It didn’t make alot of sense to me either (At First)
But after you think about it for a minute..
You will laugh your butt off…

Air Force at San Diego State
This game reminds me of one of my “favorite” selections in the New American Modern Revisionist History Book….
“The American Air Force Bombs the peaceful Ancient Aztecs; thus the term, “Stone age”
This selection can be found before the chapter on “When the U.S. Marines attacked the North Pole and Killed Santa Claus…”
We Americans are so naughty….
FALCONS 28-17

UCLA at Oregon
This game is like trying to pick the winner in a turtle race…
QUACKERS 3-2

Sunday October 12th

Louisiana Tech at Hawaii
This is the Very BEST Game on Sunday Night at Midnight Eastern Standard Time…

But if given the choice…
I would rather watch “Dog the Bounty Hunter”…
That theme music is really catchy…

RAINBOW BRIGHT 34-31

Enjoy Your Games!

RTR
MEB