As the sun sets on the end of another year….
It’s time to wrap up the Bowl season
And the National Championship

Safety Tip: For those of you reading this on January 1st……
This column is not written or designed in 3D…..
If you are seeing double
You “may” have had too much of Grandpa’s Couch Medicine last night.

As I set here in my new Urban Myer Flip Flops and prepare to return to Satan’s Butt crack
Wait, I can’t decide if I like these things or not….
Never mind….
I decided I like them…
Or do I?

Never mind….
I will wear one flip flop around for another day and decide if I will keep them.

Before we go any further I want to say
The folks in Lubbock made a bad decision firing Coach Leach..
A Very Bad Decision

You may be wondering what New Year Resolutions I will make this year

My 2010 New Year’s Resolutions are quite simple
This year I will no longer introduce myself as “Gary Busey’s Illegitimate Son”
(But I did enjoy signing all the autographs last year)
I will no longer judge people on their height, weight and color of their eyes.
Instead I will judge people based upon whether or not they like ABBA.
(They suck by the way)
And perhaps most important of all
I intend on taking more time this year to enjoy my extensive collection of…
Herve Villechaize albums of classic Love Songs

These Urban Myer Flip Flops make me jump from subject to subject
Don’t they?
I am taking them off for good….
I changed my mind, I’m keeping them

Have a Great Year my Friends……

Enjoy!

One other thing…..
For you that doubt the soothing power of Herve Villechaize classic Love Songs
Please enjoy the following short clip
And before you ask….
“No” you may not borrow my albums

Click here to view the embedded video.

THE BOWL GAMES

Friday January 1st 2010

OUTBACK BOWL
Tampa Florida
Northwestern and Auburn
With both teams in this game being of the feline variety
I would have thought it more appropriate to have this game
Sponsored by “Tidy Cat”
Never Mind…..
WAR DAMN EAGLE 33-24

CAPITAL ONE BOWL
Orlando Florida
Penn State and LSU
Lions and Tigers O’ My!
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-17

KONICA MINOITA GATOR BOWL
Jacksonville Florida
West Virginia and Florida State
In Honor of Coach Bobby’s last game…
The College Football Hall of Fame will display the legendary Coach’s sideline apparel in a special exhibit honoring the Tallahassee legend.
On display will be Coach Bobby’s Vietcong “Coaches” hat, welding goggles and trousers with a forty inch zipper.
SEMI-NOLES 31-28

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder…..
Considering the title sponsor of this bowl game…
Does the winner of this game get something that looks like a Komodo Dragon?

ROSE BOWL
Pasadena California
The Ohio State and Oregon
The Granddaddy of them all…..
The Ducks can go Quack themselves…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 28-17

ALLSTATE SUGAR BOWL
New Orleans
Florida and Cincinnati
This one will be nothing but Gators…..
Believe it…
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Saturday January 2nd 2010

AT&T COTTON BOWL
Dallas Texas
Oklahoma State and Ole Miss
I had some of the best days of my life in Dallas…..
Not that it really matters here…..
I had a variety of headlines for this game I wanted to use…
“The Prairie Wind touches Ole Miss is a naughty place”
“These Rebels are Nutts”
“You can’t beat Ole Miss Nutts”
But you expect higher standards from me
So I will simply say
NUTTY REBELS 34-24

AUTOZONE LIBERTY BOWL
Memphis Tennessee
East Carolina and Arkansas
The winner of this game gets a free oil change and a tire rotation.
Which is nice…
RAZORBACKS 38-17

INTERNATIONAL BOWL
Toronto Canada
South Florida and Northern Illinois
Let me tell you what I learned about Canada….
When the speed limit signs say “80”
They mean “80 Kilometers an Hour” which equates to about “50 miles per hour”
For those you that may be wondering what “80 miles an hour” is in Kilometers?
It’s 128 Kilometers an Hour, at least that’s what my ticket said.
That’s No Bull
SUNSHINE BULLS 28-24

PAPAJOHNS.COM BOWL
Birmingham Alabama
Connecticut and South Carolina
Did you know when Lou Holtz says “Connecticut” he spits halfway across the room?
STEVE’S GAMECOCKS 38-17

VALERO ALAMO BOWL
San Antonio Texas
Texas Tech and Michigan State
I believe having a Mexican sponsorship for the Alamo Bowl
Is just plain wrong.
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 33-28

Monday January 4th 2010

TOSTITOS FIESTA BOWL
Glendale Arizona
Texas Christian and Boise State
There is only one thing that can be said about this game
It’s going to be a dandy
HORNED FROGS 24-23

Tuesday January 5th 2010

FEDEX ORANGE BOWL
Miami Florida
Georgia Tech and Iowa
As many close games as these two teams have played this year
Don’t you think “Nine Lives Cat Food” should be the sponsor?
Just wondering…
RAMBLING WRECK 31-17

Wednesday January 6th 2010

GMAC BOWL
Mobile Alabama
Central Michigan and Troy
For those fans and alumni of the two schools seeing the local sights before the game
I need to point out that due to a “funding” problem the statue of Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator at the Flora-Bama Lounge has yet to be completed.
I just thought you should know.
CHIPPEWA’S 33-31

Thursday January 7th 2010

THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
Pasadena California
The University of Texas Longhorns and The University of Alabama Crimson Tide
This will be a battle for the ages…..
Lee, It’s two more weeks on the couch for you my friend.
CRIMSON TIDE 33-21

I hope you all have a healthy and happy New Year
Hope to see you all next year

RTR
MEB

Before we get into this weeks picks….
I want to thank Hootie Snitch for providing his “unique” perspective on last weeks games and answering your email questions.

But just for the record I am a lot closer to Two Buck Tim than I am Tim Buck Two…

Last week your favorite college football prognosticator was a “disappointing” 42 and 15 or 75%.
And for the season I stand at 453 and 121 or a rather lackluster 79%.

But I take solace in my prognostication powers
when I heard that ESPN college football “analyst” Todd McShay, according to the network…
was making his picks at a “furious” pace by selecting “16” games currently this season where he stands at 10 and 6.

I know what you are thinking……
“Amateur”

But before we roll into Week 11’s Picks I want to wish…….
A Happy Veterans Day to all Veterans, past, present and future.

And a Happy Marine Corps Birthday to my Marine brethren around the world
We’ve Been Keep’n it Real since 1775….

Enjoy your games!

COMMENTATORS QUOTE

Bret Musburger on Alabama Coach Nick Saban
During the game with LSU in 2007 which the Crimson Tide lost

“There is the highest paid coach in American folks;
it doesn’t look like the folks in Alabama are getting a lot for their money does it?”

EDITORS NOTE: Just for the record dumbass….
I don’t think we pay Coach Nick enough, buy I think it has worked out o.k., don’t you?

Wednesday November 11th

Toledo at Central Michigan
The rockets will be reduced to a pack of firecrackers before halftime
Believe it
CHIPPEWAS 33-14

Thursday November 12th

Texas Southern at Grambling State
The Bayou Classic……
Beyond the football game, the battle of the bands is not to be missed.
I am still a Coach Rob man…
ROB’S TIGERS 31-17

Bowling Green at Miami (OH)
Another Classic Battle on I-75
The Falcons are favored, but I have a feeling….
REDSKINS 24-21

South Florida at Rutgers
I know, I know
This game is being played in “Jousey….”
But forget about it…..
NO BULL 33-28

Friday November 13th

West Virginia at Cincinnati
Save a Couch, Beat the Mountaineers
BEARKATS 31-28

Temple at Akron
The Owls are on their way to their first Bowl game since 1979…
Zippy gets Zipped…
HOOT OWLS 24-20

Saturday November 14th

Florida at South Carolina
Nobody needs to tell Coach Steve how bad a Gator bite can be….
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Furman at Georgia Southern
I can’t wait to hear Chewbacca sing the “Statesboro Blues”
I heard he does a great Greg Allman imitation
EAGLES 24-21

Texas at Baylor
The Waco Bears have really come on as of late…….
and I know I missed picking the Bears in “The Battle of the Brazos”
But the boys in burnt orange are the real McCoy
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-21

Pennsylvania at Harvard
I really don’t care and neither should you

Alabama at Mississippi State
The Bully Bulldogs are always tough…
But the Tide is coming in…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-13

Frostburg State at Salisbury
This game is a stark reminder that I wish I had a frosty beverage and a Salisbury steak.
But sometimes I wish for too much

Indiana at Penn State
I missed on Joe Pa’s Lions last week against the mighty Buckeyes….
But Joe has more than enough magnification left in his reading glasses to burn the Homers from Hoosierville
JOE’S LIONS 31-17

Columbia at Cornell
Nobody cares about this game either, and as a side note…
Both teams marching bands suck too.

Tennessee at Ole Miss
Remember my prognostication about the Volunteers not losing another game?
Yeah, I was serious…
VOWELS 34-17

Arizona at California
I would watch this game
but I heard there was fighting in Central America, and I have to watch the news, I have friends in Missouri.
I bet there fighting those damn people from Kansas.
GOLDEN BEARS 33-28

Miami (FL) at North Carolina
The Tar Heels….
Wait, what the hell is that anyway?
Is that somebody who walked across a freshly paved road bare footed?
Never mind….
ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: That song is stuck in your head now isn’t it?

Virginia Military Institute at Army
There are better games going on around the country when this game gets underway….
There are better teams playing this Saturday with more at stake in the college football world, while this game is being played
But you won’t find any better kids anywhere in the country than you will see right here
They are some of the very best we have in this country
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 24-14

Texas A&M at Oklahoma
If you wonder why I continue to pick the Sooners…
even with all the season ending injuries on the team, the answer to that question is easy.
It’s because they are the still the Mighty Sooners, that’s why.
BOOMER SOONERS 31-28

Virginia Tech at Maryland
Ed Wang of Virginia Tech, who also happens to be the biggest Wang in College Football, but I digress….
I wonder if Ed Wang has ever gone out and “Wang Chung Tonight”
Just curious…
HOKEY HOKEY HI! 34-17

Samford at Wofford
This pesky cough is going to kick Sam’s ass, count on it.
WOFFY 33-13

Stanford at Southern California
No Upset Special Here……
The Darlings of the Sports Media get their other eye blacked with a tree
CARDINAL 38-24

EDITORS NOTE: I know it doesn’t really fit here…..
But……
Coach Pete, you want a quacker?
That never gets old for me..

Iowa at Ohio State
The quarterback with the Black and Gold is out for at least two weeks
The Buckeyes are rolling and the game is in the Big Horseshoe
Enough said….
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 31-17

Citadel at Chattanooga
The Bulldogs get shoed away from a win with a moccasin, believe it.
MOCCASINS 28-24

Texas Tech at Oklahoma State
The Red Raiders get rode down by the Cowboys in Stillwater
You better believe it….
COWBOY UP! 38-34

Florida State at Wake Forest
A lot of people are down on Coach Bobby as of late…..
They want to say it’s because he is “too old” to be coaching
He went to high school with Noah, so yeah he is definitely “old”
But that’s not the real reason is it?
It’s because you Seminoles aren’t beating the hell out of everybody, right?
You complainers should all should be ashamed of yourselves…
SEMI-NOLES 24-21

Nebraska at Kansas
I can’t help but wonder….
Are there a lot of Huskers that shop in the “Husky” sections at department stores…..
Do any of them own Husky dogs?
I know, sometimes I wonder too much…
HUSKY CORNHUSKERS 23-17

Auburn at Georgia
This game is called “The Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry”, because it is just that.
Conventional wisdom calls for the Tigers to win this game, they are favored in the contest.
But as you all know by now….
I am neither conventional nor wise.
RUN YOU SILVER BRITCHES! 34-31

Michigan at Wisconsin
Despite the fact the Wolverines are playing in Wisconsin,
There is no truth to the rumor that Coach Rod’s wife’s perfume smell’s like old cheese
That is hurtful and untrue
Her perfume smells more like the mixture of old peoples feet, wet corn flakes and a high school rest room urinal cake.
I hope that sets the record straight
BEHOLD THE POWER OF CHEESE 31-21

Washington at Oregon State
For once I agree with Hootie Snitch…
I love me some Beavers…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 33-17

Troy at Arkansas
What in the Hell was Troy thinking scheduling this game?
He must be drinking again….
RAZORBACKS 43-10

Colorado at Iowa State
Thank you all for your enquiries….
But my sister-in-law will “Not” be leading the Colorado Team on the field
this Saturday as the “Guest Buffalo” for the game with the Cyclones.
She is currently filming new “Messing with Sasquatch” Beef Jerky commercials..
Before you ask, “No” she is not wearing any makeup…
And “Yes” they are using “movie magic” to cover up her antlers, sorry..
I mean “calcium deposits”
BUFFALOS 24-17

South Dakota State at Minnesota
Question for the Minnesota faithful…
Aren’t Gophers really just hamsters on steroids?
O’ So GOLDEN GOPHERS 38-23

Georgia Tech at Duke
The Devils will be Black and Blue before this one is over…
YELLOW JACKETS 38-14

Clemson at North Carolina State
This game is known as “The Textile Bowl”
The winner of the decorative towels and fuzzy bathroom mats is…
DABO’S TIGERS 34-17

Notre Dame at Pittsburgh
This classic matchup in the North is played for the highly coveted…
“Yeti in a Tube Top” trophy….
Not really I was just hoping someone would take my sister-in-law for Thanksgiving
FIGHTN’ IRISH 33-28

Kentucky at Vanderbilt
The Commodores get the Blues in Music City on Saturday Night
Believe it….
BIG BLUE WILDCATS 24-20

Boston College at Virginia
The Cavaliers lost to the Duke Blue Devils two weeks ago….
Enough said….
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 141-14

UCLA at Washington State
I understand Alvin and the Chipmunks will be singing the National Anthem at this game
Not the “real” Chipmunks, just some dudes or dudettes in foam rubber costumes
Sorry, I didn’t mean to get you all worked up over nothing
BRUINS 33-14

Northwestern at Illinois
Another Big Ten “rivalry” game and you know what that means..
That’s right, another game for a coveted trophy!
This annual game between these two schools is played for
“The Trombone of Cheese Whiz”
Don’t touch it, you don’t know were it’s been
FIGHTN’ PUMPKINS 28-17

Missouri at Kansas State
In any conflict between the states of Missouri and Kansas
I always side with Kansas, because I am a Jesse James man..
but any team that goes to the trouble of digging up their dead coach
and propping him up on the sidelines to inspire their team, well…
I have to respect that
WILDCATS 24-23

Arizona State at Oregon
I would watch this game but the Animal Planet is having a “Special” on Sea Monkey’s.
You know they are natures perfect creature right?
They swim in the ocean and can live in the jungle.
If you don’t believe me then why do you think they call them “Sea Monkeys”?
I think I made my point
QUACK ATTACK 33-28

Michigan State at Purdue
This Big Ten Rivalry is played each year for a magnificent trophy!
Aren’t they all?
This Big Ten game is played for the highly coveted “Bejeweled Staff of Doubt”
Frankly I doubt anybody really cares about this game..
BOILERMAKERS 31-24

Houston at Central Florida
The Golden Knights are in Orlando right?
Isn’t that were “O Town” was from?
That’s all I need to know…
COUGARS 33-21

Syracuse at Louisville
This game may answer the eternal philosophical question….
Will anyone attend a college football game between two crappy teams?
CARDINALS 17-10

Brigham Young at New Mexico
The Lobos get Low Blow’d in New Mexico…
I know that was catchy right?
Think of me as the college football version of Doctor Seuss
COUGARS 34-17

UAB at Memphis
I know what I am talking about here
I’ve been to Graceland…
Thank you, thank you very much
ELVIS’S TIGERS 24-17

Idaho at Boise State
This game is entitled….
“The Battle of Idaho” and it is played for the Governors Cup
At least this instate battle doesn’t have the word “Flower” in it
BRONCOS 34-21

Texas El Paso at Southern Methodist
The Miners of El Paso have surprised a few people this year, but they won’t surprise
THE MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-28

Tulane at Rice
Not that this has anything to do with the game, but I have to ask
Why is Rice-a-Roni the San Francisco treat?
I always thought it was Liberace
Never mind…
HOO HOOT OWLS 21-17

Delaware at Navy
I have grown to love that Navy Goat mascot….
You have to respect a mascot that can eat a tin can, you know what I mean?
MIDSHIPMEN 38-17

Southern Miss at Marshall
I really like both of these teams, but they harder to predict than the weather
WE ARE MARSHALL 24-21

UNLV at Air Force
The Falcons are soaring and the Rebels are grounded….
This one is easy
FALCONS 34-10

Utah at Texas Christian
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!
Two Ute’s take down the horned amphibians in Cow Town
So says my Cousin Vinny
TWO UTES 28-24

Louisiana Tech at LSU
The Bulldogs are in trouble in this instate Battle on the Bayou
Mike the Tiger is angry and hungry….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 34-10

New Mexico State at Hawaii
This game is just another reminder I am missing “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
Life is so unfair sometimes
WARRIORS jumping rope over RAINBOWS 31-28

Sunday November 15th

East Carolina at Tulsa
I wonder if a “Golden Hurricane” is a drink you don’t have buy yourself
on Bourbon Street?
Makes you wonder doesn’t it?
CAROLINA PIRATES 23-21

Enjoy your weekend and your games

Stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Not a bad week last week my friends…..

Hit the Florida State and Clemson Upsets….

(No Need to Thank Me, It’s how I roll….)

For the week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator
was 40 and 9 or 82% and that leaves us at 369 and 97 or 79% for the season.

(Kill the applause Sign)

We have a big weekend before us….

This week we have a variety of Big Eleven, I mean “Ten” games
being played for a multitude of trophies including Pig’s Feet and the occasional Bejeweled Stick of Oblongata.

In Jacksonville Florida we have, with all due disrespect to University of Georgia President Mike Adams,
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.”

And who can forget this weekend is the scariest of them all….

Yes my friends it’s “Halloween….”

And you all know what that means….

Little children come dressed as goblins and ghosts to your door and ask for candy….

Also, it’s time for Fat Phil Fulmer to rise out of the Pumpkin Patch and eat those very children that I mentioned above….

I pray none of your kids go dressed as a donut or a Bear Claw or they are goners for sure

Enjoy your picks!

Thursday October 29th

Valdosta Sate at West Georgia
The Wolves of West Georgia are outmatched in this instate battle…
I have a feeling this is going to get uglier than a Halloween costume contest at the Bowling alley on dollar beer night.
BLAZERS 38-10

North Carolina at Virginia Tech
Little known fact….
The Hokey Pokey is illegal to perform in 19 states and the District of Columbia
They are afraid that it really is what it’s all about…
HOKEY HOKEY HOKEY HI! 31-23

Friday October 30th

West Virginia at South Florida
The Bulls are hard to beat when the sun goes down…
But the Mountaineers brought couches and lighter fluid….
Light Em if you Got Em!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-24

Saturday October 31st

Moravian at Ursinus
Morey better watch his Uranus or he is going to get his ass kicked.

Texas at Oklahoma State
The Cowboys will keep this one too close to call….
Believe it…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 24-23

Ole Miss at Auburn
I cannot in good conscience pull for the “new” politically correct Rebels….
Even if they are playing the Tigers of the Plains
WAR DAMN EAGLES 31-28

West Carolina at Chattanooga
I still think a “catamount” sounds like something nasty is going on….
MOCCASINS 24-17

California at Arizona State
I would watch this game
But “Zamfir” will be playing his “Greatest” Pan Flute hits on PBS
GOLDEN BEARS 6-3

Carson Newman at Wingate
Wingate sounds the college is in a “gated community”
Now that’s just pompous
SPARKS EAGLES 34-17

Miami (FL) at Wake Forest
Hurricane season isn’t over until November 1st….
It’s the Law…
HURRICANES 33-10

Ouachita Baptist at West Alabama
I have been incorrect in my characterization of the “Ouachita” Baptists
They are the ones that don’t believe in wearing shorts, I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding.
FIGHTN’ BAPTISTS 43-10

Kansas State at Oklahoma
Even if their new quarterback has a “football” mustache the Mighty Sooners are still a force of nature….
You know what a football mustache is right?
It has eleven hairs on each lip….
BOOMER SOONER 24-14

James Madison at Delaware
I don’t know anything about Jimmy, but his wife makes awfully tasty little donuts.
Not that it matters here, but that Miss Dolly is a sweetheart…
BLUE HENS 31-28

New Mexico State at Ohio State
Custer stood a better chance at the Little Big Horn than the Aggies do in the Horseshoe.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 45-10

Cincinnati at Syracuse
Otto the Orange gets the juice squeezed out of him on Saturday night…
Believe it..
BEARKATS 43-14

North Alabama at Arkansas Monticello
If you sing the song “Moon River” and substitute “Boll Weevil” for moon river in the song
it makes for a much more entertaining version of a timeless classic.
I just thought you should know…
FLORENCE’S LIONS 31-21

North Carolina State at Florida State
I read this week the Wolfpack quarterback is “maturing” in the offense….
I wonder if that means his voice is changing and he is growing hair in funny places..
SEMINOLES 34-14

Delta State at Arkansas Tech
They call Tech “The Wonder Boys”….
Before this one is over they are going to be wondering why they tangled
With the Fighting Okra!
FIGHTN’ OKRA 28-14

Kansas at Texas Tech
My beloved Red Raiders are not the team they were last year…
But they still know how to GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 33-31

Samford at Citadel
There must be a lot of money in the “junk” business
when Fred Samford can afford his own college. I wonder if Lamont is the President of the school?
BULLDOGS 24-13

Nebraska at Baylor
I am not joking around here Cornhuskers….
If you don’t win this game
I will hold Lil Red hostage until the Shoney’s Big Boy admits Lil Red is his less successful and pudgier younger brother…
It will be painful, but I will do it…
HUSKER POWER 24-17

Weber State at Montana
Don’t get me wrong….
I think it’s wonderful the people that make a great tailgating grill have their own college.
But this is Grizzly Country…
GRIZZZZZZZZZ 38-14

Eastern Michigan at Arkansas
This game will be like “Crouching Tiger hidden Dragon”
Without the crouching tigers or hiding dragons
Other than that it will be exactly the same…
RAZORBACKS 45-0

Missouri at Colorado
I am not sure about Curley and Larry…
But MO knows how to administer a Buffalo Butt Whipping….
MO’S TIGERS 24-21

Rutgers at Connecticut
The Huskies have redemption this weekend for a lost teammate…
Count on it…
HUSKIES 28-23

Mississippi Sate at Kentucky
In a role reversal of nature…
The Blue Cats tree the Bulldogs…..
Count on it…
BIG BLUE CATS 24-20

Arkansas State at Louisville
Finally Coach K gives the fans something to cheer about…
At least for another week
CARDINALS 38-10

Central Michigan at Boston College
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Chippewa’s take down the Boy’s from Chesnutt Hill..
I’m serious..
CHIPPEWA’S 31-28

UCLA at Oregon State
I bet Jerry Mathers is an Oregon State fan too…
How could he not be?
MIGHTY BEAVERS 38-17

Coastal Carolina at Clemson
I don’t know about you…
But I think “Chanticleer” sounds like a cold sore
I shudder to think what their mascot looks like…
DABO’S TIGERS 44-10

Georgia Tech at Vanderbilt
The Rambling Wreck of Georgia Tech are neither rambling nor wrecking…
And that’s not good news for the Commodores
YELLOW JACKETS 43-14

Duke at Virginia
I would watch this game
but the East Timor Chimpanzee Poop Flinging Competition is going to be on ESPN U.
This weeks its all about distance….
BLUE DEVILS 13-7

Purdue at Wisconsin
This Big Ten Battle is played each year for the coveted Amish Ass Hat of Cheese
One safety tip…
Don’t wear it in the sun…
Or out in public…
BADGERS 31-28

Indiana at Iowa
Another Big Ten Battle and you know what that means?
That’s right, another Battle for a coveted trophy and title.
This game is played for the “Prosthetic Pigs Foot of Des Moines”
It kind of reminds me of that one foot of my sister-in-law that looks like a hoof…
EYES of the HAWK 33-17

South Carolina at Tennessee
Don’t count out Coach Steve in this one, especially if Lane is still whining
Somebody needs to give that guy a pacifier..
VOWELS 23-17

Southern Miss at Houston
The Golden Eagles have a Houston size problem this week..
COUGARS 34-21

Southern Methodist at Tulsa
Coach June and the Boys have it together this week….
You better believe it…
MIGHTY MIGHTY MUSTANGS! 31-24

San Jose State at Boise State
Little known fact….
“Livin La Vida Loca” is Spanish for “Jose is going to get his ass kicked……”
BRONCOS 43-10

Georgia at Florida
Jacksonville Florida
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”
Nothing but Gators…
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Michigan at Illinois
I think this “Big Ten” game is played for “Who has the Crappiest Weather” Trophy
Doesn’t matter, they are both ten miles from the Arctic Circle..
WOLVERINES 31-21

Iowa State at Texas A&M
Both of these teams have the exact same personality….
Except different…
CYCLONES 28-24

Temple at Navy
Did you know Bill Cosby went to Temple?
Yeah, that won’t matter on Saturday….
MIDSHIPMEN 38-14

UNLV at Texas Christian
Did I mention that I picked the Horned Amphibians to be undefeated?
I am still on track after this weekend…
HORNED FROGS 33-10

Air Force at Colorado State
This game is played for the “Ram-Falcon Trophy”
It is my understanding it will stay in Colorado Springs until Hell Freezes over…
FALCONS 31-17

Hawaii at Nevada
This reminds me…..
I need to get my “Dog the Bounty Hunter” fix….
I Love those guys…
WOLFPACK 33-14

Penn State at Northwestern
So “six” students in Happy Valley “aren’t” happy
over the “new” T-Shirt promoting the football team…
because they think it promotes Christianity?
Even though the design was voted on by the student body?

I guess we should call Boeing
and tell them to change the shape of their airplanes because the wings are in the shape of a cross.
What a bunch of ass monkeys…
Never mind…
JOE’S MIGHTY LIONS 24-14

New Mexico at San Diego State
You know what doesn’t rhyme with “Lobos”?
An Aztec ass whipping…
LOBOS 27-17

Washington State at Notre Dame
The Cougars have the same chance of winning this game as Rosie O’Donnell does of being a fitness model.
Slim and none..
FIGHTING IRISH 38-10

Tulane at LSU
The Battle for the Rag in Bayou Country…
By the time the Green Wave hear “O’ Say Can you see…….”
They will be behind by two touchdowns…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-10

Southern California at Oregon
I know what you are all thinking so I will say it for you…
“My God, Can’t they Both Lose?”
QUACKS 28-23

Michigan State at Minnesota
This traditional Big Ten Battle is played for the “Giant Twirling Baton of Corn Dog”
It’s always funny until somebody loses an eye…
SPARTANS 24-17

Wyoming at Utah
Two Ute’s and a Cowboy walk into a bar mitzvah with an armadillo in a leather jacket…
Sorry, I didn’t know you had heard that one..
TWO UTES 38-17

Sunday November 1st

Marshall at Central Florida
Three words for you….
“WE ARE MARSHALL”
THUNDERING HERD 24-21

Enjoy your games and have a Great Weekend

Happy Halloween

RTR
MEB

That was a “celebration” penalty?

It would appear that a new batch of Southeastern Conference Referees have decided to challenge the “infamous” Penn Wagers for the title of “Worse Ref in College Football”.

But have no fear my disgruntled Bulldogs…
You have a friend here..

As promised…
I present to you the Officiating Crew of Last Weeks fiasco between the Hedges and as a side note…
If you want to send any of them a nice card for Columbus Day or perhaps even a decorative cookie tin filled to the brim with a token of your esteem, please let me know and I will gladly forward you their home addresses.

Why you may ask?
Because I care…

The Officials of the now Infamous LSU Tiger – Georgia Bulldog Game…

These guys really put the “K” in Quality….

Referee: Marc “Which way did they go?” Curles
Umpire: Ronnie “Glass Eye” Jones
Linesman: W. Randall “No Clue” Kizer
Line Judge: Michael “Don’t call me” Shirley
Back Judge: Michael “I (Heart) Meth” Watson
Field Judge: Greg “Tootsie” Thomas
Side Judge: Jess “Doo-Doo” Dupuy
Scorer: Joe “I Hate Georgia” Sturniolo
Replay Official: Al “Alcoholic” Ford

Have a great weekend…

RTR
MEB

I present….
The long awaited final installment of the College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza….

In this edition we will catch up on news from around the college football world and examine a number of hallowed College Football Traditions….

I will explain the AP Pre-Season Top 25 in College Football and tell you who will be in Pasadena on January 2010.

And as always we have your Pre-Season Email Questions and Answers

Enjoy….

GARY BUSEY QUOTE OF THE WEEK

I am aware that having a Gary Busey quote embedded in the Pre-Season Extravaganza has little to do with College Football.
However….
Since this was introduced a couple of weeks ago I have been overwhelmed with emails requesting more.

My dear fans I hear you….
Enjoy…

Your Gary Busey quote of the week…..

“It’s good for everyone to understand that they are to love their enemies, simply because your enemies show you things about yourself you need to change.
So in actuality enemies are friends in reverse.”

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t feel bad…..
I didn’t get it either…

COACHES CORNER

As we all know by now, Coach Pete Carroll of U$C Trojan Fame has written or co-authored a number of books detailing his success in coaching college football with U$C.

There is…..
“Winning Forever…”

And my personal favorite….
“Cheating in College Football for Dummies”

And then there is Coach Pete’s latest book entitled…..
“Always Compete”

I have on good authority that the following excerpts were removed from the book just prior to printing…..

The particular section in question deals with Coach Pete’s “prankster” side or as his publicist stated, “This particular section of the book illuminates Coach Pete’s wonderful sense of humor and shows his “down to earth” side.”

Being a real jokester, Pete loves to pull pranks on people. Well, almost always, sometimes those little pranks just don’t work out.

During the 2006 season, Pete thought it would be funny to put a potato in the tailpipe of Reggie Bush’s 1996, souped up Chevy Impala that was allegedly paid for by New Age Sports. Reggie comes out of the dorm after a long “study” session, pimped out in a fur coat, wide brimmed fedora, two hot babes on each arm, and a smile showing a grill that would make Diamonds-r-us proud. He plops the two well endowed Chiquita’s in the front seat, swings around to the driver’s side door, and pops in. Reggie turns the car over and nothing happens. Pete and a couple of assistant coaches are behind some shrubbery, watching the scene unfold, and giggling like a couple of prepubescent school girls. Again, Reggie tries to start his prized hot rod and, again, no love. He turns the ignition one more time, presses down hard on the accelerator with his stacked leather Gucci shoes, and BLAM!!!! The potato shoots out of the tailpipe like a .45 caliber round out of a handgun, zips toward the shrubbery, and catches Coach Pete right between the eyes!! Reggie jumps out of the car with urine stained trousers, sees his head coach with potato embedded in his forehead, assistant coaches howling, and begins a profanity laden tirade. He begins to sprint toward the Coach but its too late, Carroll and crew gone in an instant.

What a jokester.

Then there was the time that Pete’s friend Myles Brand was in town. When those two get together, well, let’s say the results are unpredictable. Myles is well known for having more than a few late night toddies before bedtime. Back in 2007, Pete decided it would be fun to add a little Ex Lax to the good NCAA Presidents Scotch. Not willing to stop there, Pete snuck into Myles guest quarters on the beautiful USC campus and glued the bathroom doors shut. Again, Pete and the coaching staff were hidden in the shrubbery outside, peering in the window to Myles’ study waiting for the special elixir to work its magic. Sure enough, after a couple of drinks, Myles begins to squirm in his seat, then jumps up, and rushes to the bathroom. Whoops!! He can’t unlock the door!! Needless to say, Myles not only did the Texas two step out into the frigid night air and into the back yard, but he barely made it off the back porch before an explosion erupted from his nether reaches, blowing his pajamas out clean down to his knees. Not a pretty sight. Pete & the coaches jumped out of the bushes and a startled Myles rolled backwards into the putrid pile he had just expelled while all had tons of belly laughs. Myles, more than a little rankled, promised Pete that he’d get his revenge.
And so he did, hence the OJ Mayo investigation.

Yes, Pete Carroll has quite the sense of humor.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS

NCAA FASHION POLICE: In case you haven’t heard….

The NCAA Fashion Police are at it again…..

They have docked the Clemson Tigers two preseason practices for wearing “improper attire” at its first two workouts last week.
NCAA rules say players can only wear jerseys and shorts during the five-day acclimatization period.
However, the Tigers wore long, compression shorts with padding on the top, referred to as girdles.
Pictures of Clemson players in the “improper” shorts are on the Clemson athletic Web site.
Coach Dabo Swinney says the team did not knowingly break the rule, considered a secondary violation by the NCAA.
A second practice scheduled for Monday was canceled. The Tigers will work out just once Friday after originally scheduling two sessions.
Swinney referred to the matter as “Girdlegate.”
Athletic spokesman Tim Bourret said no other penalties are involved.

EDITORS NOTE: So Clemson players can’t wear compression shorts…
But U$C players can wear thongs to practice….
Yeah that makes perfect sense to me now….

U$C: Last week the Trojan Times reported that one time Arkansas transfer and heir apparent to the Trojan quarterback franchise Mitch Mustain was experiencing what was described as “academic issues” and was ineligible for the season opener against San Jose State.

Then magically…..
This week….

(Insert your favorite magician special effect noises here)

He is cleared!
That compliance department at U$C works faster than Ernest Angely!

Coach Pete Carroll reported that Mitch was cleared to play and practice…
Amazing….
Since neither Pete nor the Trojan Times had any additional information on how the process took place or what the initial issues were…

EDITORS NOTE: So the compliance department at U$C can figure this issue out at light speed….
But they can’t find Reggie Bush’s momma’s house?
So how is that “investigation” going into Reggie Bush while he was with the Trojans?

MIAMI: Excited Hurricane Football Fans have written me asking for “more information” concerning the “Hurricane Fan Packs” that will be issued at upcoming home games in the “new” cane Stadium.

Enclosed is a snapshot of one lucky fan with his new Hurricane “grill”….

EDITORS NOTE: Classy…..

FLORIDA STATE: Many of you have written me recently and asked if Coach Bobby is “still recruiting”?
I have on good authority that he has been actively recruiting this offseason.
In fact!
Here is a picture of Coach Bobby “recruiting” at a local Florida Penitentiary.

CHATTANOOGA: “Racist Shoe U”….

CLEMSON: I am just glad the Tigers weren’t wearing racist shoes with their compression shorts….
Then there would have been REAL trouble!

SOUTH CAROLINA: The national sports media wants to make a ruckus over Coach Steve’s apparent lack of concern over voting in the “All-Southeastern Conference” ballot.
Let me remind you all something, which is vital this time of year….
It’s doesn’t matter where you start the season….
It matters where you finish…
Same goes for individual awards.
Enough said..

TENNESSEE: At the recent Southeastern Conference media days Coach Lane said that the Volunteers “had to go outside the state to recruit, because there wasn’t any good football in the state of Tennessee.”

I bet that was news to the Oak Ridge Wildcats….
Hillsboro…
Riverdale….
The Gallatin Green Wave…
Maryville….
And Alcoa….
As well as all the fine high schools in Memphis…

EDITORS NOTE: You are thinking it, so I will say it…
What a dumbass…..

KENTUCKY: Don’t underestimate these Cats…
They are a lot better than advertised….
A-Lot better…..

LSU: Hey Fightn’ Tigers….
The evening of 10 October 2009 in Death Valley….
The Mighty Bayou Bengals season will be determined..
Believe it….

NEBRASKA: I know your question Big Red Fans…
Will the Cornhuskers build on last year’s success?
Yes and they will take down one big program along the way….
Believe it…

OKLAHOMA: Don’t overlook BYU early…
Or you will meet the Longhorns with two loses…..

OREGON: Congratulations! Once again…..
The Ducks have won the Butt Ugly Award for their uniforms….
I know that it must be difficult not having any college football traditions to speak of…
Selling out and being the butt monkey of NIKE…
Allowing them to change whatever they want at will, just so you can milk them for more money..
So Congratulations on having the ugliest uniforms (again) in all of college football..
You deserve it.

NOTRE DAME: What is the number one question I get from Irish Fans?
“Will the Fighting Irish be undefeated going into the game with U$C?”
Yes…..my leprechaun loving friends, you most certainly will be.

GEORGIA: How about them Dawgs?

GEORGIA TECH: The Rambling Wreck….
Will be two wins away from winning the Atlantic Coast Conference Title this year…

ARKANSAS: See Kentucky above….

KANSAS STATE: You have to know….
Your football team is in trouble when you dig up a dead football coach and prop him up on the sidelines.
That is just wrong….

IVY LEAGUE: Here we go again……
All you knuckleheads from the Ivy League stop asking me to write “something” about positive your “football” teams and “league”.
Let me break this down for you…..
Your Marching Bands don’t know how to play the “Theme from Shaft”…
They dress like a middle school marching band…and sound worse.
Your Cheerleaders look like they could floss with a number two pencil….
Your football teams couldn’t beat Hoover High School in Alabama….
So shut up and find something to protest….

GREAT COLLEGE FOOTBALL TRADITIONS

MASCOTS and FIGHT SONGS

ST OLAF COLLEGE

When it comes to college fight songs….
Few are more confusing than the inspirational “Um Ya Ya” song from St. Olaf College

“Um Ya Ya”

We come from St Olaf, we sure are the real stuff…
Our team is the cream of the college great
We fight fast and furious, our team is injurious
Tonight Carleton College will sure meet its fate.

Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YA YA YA
Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YaYa, Um YaYa
Um YA YA YA “

EDITORS NOTE: I am not really sure what they are trying to convey with this fight song or why Olaf is considered a Saint but I do know this song has an awful lot of “Ya’s” in it.
Which is nice….

EARLHAM COLLEGE

Among the student body, the chant sung publicly is…….

“Fight, Fight, Inner Light!
Kill, Quakers, Kill!
Knock ‘em Down, Beat ‘em Senseless!
Do It ’til We Reach Consensus!”
Also:
Fight, Fight, Inner Light!
Kill, Quakers, Kill!
Beat ‘em, Beat ‘em, Knock ‘em Senseless!
Tell Me, Do We Have Consensus?”

Another popular cheer that is sung by the Earlham College Fightin’ Quakers cheerleaders when the opposing team has possession of the ball is:

“Fight exuberantly!
Fight exuberantly!
Compel them to relinquish the ball!”

EDITORS NOTE: If you have to use proper English and big words…
It doesn’t count as a fight song, sorry.

MAINE

The Maine Black Bears have a unique way of celebrating their universities accomplishments through their classic fight song called..

“The Maine Stein Song”

“Fill the steins to dear old Maine!
Shout till the rafters ring!
Stand and drink the toast once again!
Let every loyal Maine Man sing,
Drink to all the happy hours,
Drink to all the careless days!
Drink to Maine, our Alma Mater
The college of our hearts always!”

EDITORS NOTE: No references to storming down the field or turning your opponents into Bear poop…
But it is nice to know that they endorse underage inebriation…..

MINNESOTA

Our favorite Golden Rodents have brought us a timeless fight song…..

“Minnesota Rouser”

“Minnesota, hats off to thee,
To thy colors true we shall be,
Firm and strong, united we are,
RAH! RAH! RAH! RAH! RAH!
Rah for the U of M!”

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t feel bad my dear readers…
This didn’t make any damn sense to me either…

ORAL ROBERTS

At this wonderful institution of learning (and I suppose miraculous healing)
They don’t have “fight songs”; they have “spirit songs”.
Here is just a taste of the awe inspiring Oral Roberts Spirit Song.

“Oh, O-R-U,
Oh, O-R-U,
Oh, O-R-University!
Holy Spirit Blesses,
Seeking out the best,
Of the human trinity,
Ordained by Holy Destiny”

EDITORS NOTE: There is a good lesson here my friends….
If God really cared about what went on in college athletics….
Then Oral Roberts would lose every damn game and Myles Brand would ignite in flames.

AKRON

What in the Hell is a “Zip” anyway?
Does a student dress up in a costume that looks like a punctuation mark?

If you think their “Zippy” mascot is confusing then review their fight song…
“Akron Blue and Gold”

“So, we stand up, cheer and shout,
For the Akron Blue and Gold.
Zzzip! Zip go the Zi- – ips!
Zzzip! Zip go the Zi — ips!
Akron True Gold and blue,
All for you and the Zi- – ips too!”

EDITORS NOTE: I have thoroughly reviewed the Akron Fight Song..
And I have determined that if you actually sing this song in “low-tones” it sounds like you’re repeatedly breaking wind..

HOLY CROSS

You wanted disturbing? I will give you disturbing.

“Maime Reilly”

“Oh, Maime, Maime, Maime Reilly!
Slide Kelly, Slide,
Casey’s at Bat,
Oh Maime Reilly, where’d you get that hat?
Down in Old Kentucky,
Go Cross, Go,
Oh, Maime, Maime, Maime Reilly!”

EDITORS NOTE: Ok, listen closely sports fans….
That really didn’t make any damn sense.

GREAT COLLEGE FOOTBALL TRADITIONS

HOMECOMING

There are few traditions in college football as enjoyable as homecoming….
The crisp feel of fall in the air…..
The Parade before the game….
The University Departments, Fraternity and Sorority Floats…
The Marching bands….
The Majorettes and Cheerleaders….
Students dressed in their finest…..
Seeing old friends and teammates…
Retelling the time worn tales of glories past….

But there is a “right” way and “wrong” way to conduct homecoming.

Case in point….
Enclosed is a picture of a Homecoming Parade on the Beautiful Campus of Boise State.
You will notice floats and vehicles of all makes and models adorned with the Bronco Colors moving at an acceptable pace while the alumni and fans enjoy the procession along the parade route.

This is the “Correct” way to have a Homecoming Parade….

Enclosed is a picture from last years Homecoming Parade at Evergreen State….
The Home of the Geoducks….

In case you were wondering….
College Homecoming Floats are NOT supposed to resemble a Roman Fertility Rite…
Even if your “mascot” is a Geoduck….

The 2009 AP Pre-Season College Football Top 10

I understand your frustration college football fans….
Your team did amazingly well last year and you return 10 starters on offense and defense and you wake up in July to find that your team isn’t even ranked in the pre-season top 25.

It’s a complicated process the AP voters go through that requires examination and explanation.

That’s why I am here…..

Below is the rationale behind the AP voter’s selection of college football teams in the Pre-Season Top 10
I hope this helps…..

1. FLORIDA: The Gators’ defense improved this year by dropping their NFL-caliber players for actual NFL players

2. TEXAS: The Longhorns will employ the strategy of playing it cool and not caring about a championship, which will ultimately win the attention of the BCS pollsters

3. OKLAHOMA: Once again the Sooners make it into the Top Five because someone on the team has an uncle who knows how to operate the BCS computer.

4. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Shows what can happen if you play in a weak conference and don’t play any teams out of conference unless the school in question has the words “academy” or “hair design” in their title.

5. ALABAMA: Young team overflowing with confidence, though preseason boast that their football empire shall rule over all the Earth for a thousand years makes Pollsters uneasy

6. OHIO STATE: Has more experience beating teams in its conference and losing to teams in the SEC than any other squad in recent memory.

7. VIRGINIA TECH: Pollsters feel obligated to move Virginia Tech up to No. 7 in hopes they will play in the FedEx Orange Bowl, as in light of past events, it would have been insensitive to invite them to the Tostitos Unspeakable Tragedy Bowl.

8. PENN STATE: Because Joe Pa will kick your ass, that’s why.

9. LSU: The developing Tigers have set high expectations for themselves this year..
But will fall short of their goal of being undefeated and winning every game by a million points.

10. OLE MISS: [cue banjo music]

TEAMS JUST OUTSIDE THE TOP TEN

BOISE STATE: The Broncos will be able to leap from No. 15 to No. 9, when the Pollsters computer factored in the average start time of their games.

WISCONSIN: Powerful offense; fast, gambling defense; would be ranked higher if it weren’t for the lame “Jump Around” celebration and horribly annoying marching band.

OREGON: Honestly, this one is just space filler

MICHIGAN: Sorry, I meant to say 53rd; I didn’t mean to be an insufferable arrogant jackass about it, the way Michigan fans were back when their team was any good.

BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP

Before we go any further let this be said…..
The Mighty Florida Gators will be playing the Texas Longhorns in Pasadena California for the BCS National Championship….
That is unless ESPN and ABC get involved….
Like they did last year….

PRE SEASON EMAILS QUESTION & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Sir,
I’ve been incarcerated for the last month.
I’m serving a 4 month sentence but the bulls let us look at the internet.
One of the sites that isn’t blocked is YOURS!!!

Well, since I’ve got so much time on my hands I’ve been thinking about some things.
One of the things I was thinking about was how Myles Brand has pancreatic cancer. That’s like a death sentence when you get it.
Well, I had this great idea.
What do you have to do to run for NCAAP president because I’m very interested!
I only got arrested and am doing time for DUI and driving on a suspended license so you could trust me with those millions of dollars.
I’ve got a pretty good lawyer too, so he should be able to give me a LOT better advice than Mr Brands have given him. As a matter of fact, my lawyer told me not to say that I don’t recognize Georgia DUI laws. The judge was pissed about that one.

Well, I’ll just wait for you to fill me in on all the requirements.
Lord knows I’ve got the time for that.

Lemual in Ludowici

A: I doubt very seriously you could do any worse than what we have now….
I support your candidacy Lemual…..
I will get those requirements to you as soon as I can…

Q: Hey there young Man!
I am 87 years young…
And I live at the Sunset Rest Retirement Village here in Tallahassee.
All of us enjoy your college football website and love catching up on all the various stories you write.
When we aren’t reading your column we enjoy the many activities they have for us here.
Most all of us go to the recreation area and exercise while watching “Sweating it Down with Coach Bobby B.” That darn Coach Bowden even talks us through some kind of dance they call “Popping and Locking”, I believe it’s something they call “break dancing”.
Anyway, It’s time for exercise class…..
Thanks Again!
William – Tallahassee, Florida

A: Thank you for the kind letter….
But I feel obligated to say this…
William at your age you don’t want to do any dance with the word “Break” in it…
And as a side note….
“Popping and Locking” may very well lead to “Cracking and Snapping”….

Q: Dear Sir
I am most distressed, as are my colleagues, at your apparent lack of sensitivity and understanding concerning the complexities of governing student athletes and the respective institutions they represent.
As a Professor in Government in one of the most prestigious universities in the world, I feel compelled to extend the hand of knowledge and assist you in your quest for answers.
You must first understand that the NCAA, as well as the NAACP, is concerned first and foremost with education and understanding.
Without a dream you cannot achieve….
Dr. Willis – Harvard, Massachusetts

A: What’ you talkn’ bout Willis?

Q: Mike, Is it true that you are up for some kind of award this year for sports writing?
Is it the coveted Collard Greens Award given out each year by the Agricultural Extension Office in Beautiful Demopolis Alabama?
Barbara – Comanche, Texas

A: Thank you for asking Barbara and for plugging the fine folks at the Agricultural Extension Office in Beautiful Demopolis Alabama.
I will need all the help I can get this year to be considered for their prestigious award.
However…..
I am also up for another little known award in sports writing this year as well….
Due in large part to our current economy owing astronomical amounts of money to the Chinese I am currently eligible for the coveted Beijing Laughing Monkey Award in Sports Writing.
Which is nice….

Q: Mike, is there a difference between a Georgia Tech cheerleader and a pig?
Stan – Athens, Georgia

A: Yes there is Stan:
Midnight blue eye shadow, lip gloss and black and gold painted toe nails.

Q: Dear Sir,

I am a huuuuuuuge Flarda fan as you may know by some letters I wrote to you a couple of weeks ago.
I just read in the paper where they made Clempson skip a couple of practices because they was wearing some kind of girdle things instead of regular shorts to practice in.
I was just thinking, if they can do that, can they take away some of our wins if we keep wearing our blue jean short Daisy Dukes? I hope not.
Those things are just so comfortable.
I mean the fastest way to a man’s mullet is through our jeans shorts!!!
Have a great Gator day, ya’ll!!!

Tracey in Homassassa

A: Tracey are you sure you don’t live in Baneberry Tennessee?
Just asking….

Q: Dear Sir
Many like minded people, like me were most upset with your latest article concerning having an “Invocation” before a college football game.
You simply don’t understand the basis of why this isn’t acceptable any longer.
Having an Invocation before a college football game may make some people feel uncomfortable; that is why it’s against the law.
Do you understand?
Regina – Los Angeles, California

A: Well Regina….
People farting in an elevator make me feel “uncomfortable”…
So why don’t we make that against the damn law too?

Q: My name Ding Dung and I son of Anh Dung write you last week.
You no make the fun of my father, he no joke about Navy mascot!
NCAA need to change Navy Academy Goat mascot, it look too much like Ho Chi Minh!
Communism bad!
Here we have QVC channel and Nagahide couches!

I also remind honorable father that Academy Air Force mascot need change too.
Falcon bird look like fighter bomber, make us feel bad all over again.
Air Force drop many bombs on Vietnam and make us run very fast when they fly in, just like falcon mascot.
Ding Dung – San Francisco, California

PS: My sister want NCAA address too.
She want Army Academy mascot change.
Army mule look like honorable grandmother. Hurt too much to look at.

A: When I read “Ding Dung”…I immediately thought…”Who’s there?”

EDITORS NOTE: Who says I don’t have international appeal?

Q: Mike, I have a question for you….
Where can you find lingerie for a pig?
Mindy – La Grange, Georgia

A: Fredericks of Auburn

Q: Mike, Who do you think will take the coveted Ivy League crown this year?
Will it be Harvard, Princeton or Yale?
Thanks!
Chip – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: Actually I think…..
You are all a bunch of rich Yankee jackasses and I hope you all lose.
Does that answer your question?

Q: Dude you are being to hard on the boys from Southern California!
You need to let it go over Brother Reggie!
Southern California Rules!
Can’t you figure that out by now?
Jerri – Temecula, California

A: I tell you what I do have figured out…
You can’t spell “Scandal” without the SC……
And you can’t spell Sucks without the USC….

Only 20 days left until kickoff…
Your first week’s picks are right around the corner…

More next week, so stay tuned……

Before I forget….
Congratulations to the Families of Derrick Thomas and Bullet Bob Hayes….
It’s about damn time…..

RTR
MEB

If you are just joining us…..
This is the segment were we review the games from the past week and look at College Football team news and answer some of your Email Questions.

In other words, what did we learn from the games last weekend?

Let me tell you what I learned last week….
On a personal note: Since I am neither Joe Namath or Justin Wilson, I should have known better that to EVER guarantee ( Pronounced: Gar-on-Tee) anything, much less a Football Game.

So, for the Beautiful Miss Susan, who I guaranteed (Pronounced: Gar-on-Teed) that the South Carolina Gamecocks would beat the Vanderbilt Commodores….I am truly sorry.

Also I learned this weekend that the old Television Program “T.J. Hooker” is a police drama; not a story about prostitution.
Who Knew?

Well now that I have finished my evening meal of Crow….

Let’s take a look at this week’s Monday Morning Quarterback…

SATURDAY QUOTES

” I will say it now: The Georgia Bulldogs WILL be upset by Central Michigan today!”

- ABC College Football Studio “Host” John Saunders picking Central Michigan over Georgia before the Bulldogs defeated the Eagles 56 to 17.

EDITORS NOTE: It’s nice to know John is as good at picking games as he is at being “unbiased” towards the South….I almost forgot!
Hey John! HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS!

“Let’s face it, were playing a football team..But we’ve still got to feed them baby food. They’re not ready for steak yet.”

-Coach Bobby Bowden of Florida State describing how the Seminoles “need” to play one or two more “tune-ups” before they get into the “regular” season.

EDITORS NOTE: A MAJOR Division I Football Coach that gets paid MILLIONS of DOLLARS to COACH in the Atlantic Coast Conference and he wants MORE CUPCAKES on the schedule?
Now I see how he got “all” those wins….
Hey Coach Maybe Ole Gordon Junior College is still available!

WEEKLY FOOTBALL FACT

Did you know that the Vanderbilt Commodores have a better record than the following teams?

Michigan
Miami (Both Ohio and Florida)
Washington
Washington State
Mississippi
Texas A&M
Southern California
Notre Dame
Southern Miss
Michigan State
South Carolina
Mississippi State
Florida State
Tennessee
Louisville
Oregon State
Clemson
Virginia Tech
Virginia
West Virginia

Kind of makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

TEAM NEWS

NCAA: Yeah, “GREAT” move on the celebration penalties!
If you are SO Concerned about “Bad Sportsmanship” and Celebrations, then why don’t you have the SAME rules for College Basketball?

EDITORS NOTE: Why don’t you damn people look at something IMPORTANT?
Like the Reggie Bush, Southern California Trojan Investigation!
Shouldn’t SOMEBODY be on PROBATION by NOW?

WASHINGTON: I bet you all feel like Jodie Foster in “The Accused”.

FLORIDA: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

OHIO STATE: No need for panic…
The Mighty Buckeyes WILL be ready this week.

WEST POINT: Do you know why terrorist think they can kick our ass?
Because they watch you knuckleheads play football!

WEST VIRGINIA: There is some good news here…
There wasn’t a single fire reported in Morgantown on Saturday night…

EDITORS NOTE: No word yet on when Moutaineer Quarterback Pat White will question the East Carolina Pirates football program for the lack of participation by Pacific-Islanders, Scots-Irish, or Italian Americans.
Keep Hope Alive Pat…

EAST CAROLINA: The Pirates are either Giant Killers or Devil Worshipers…
You all don’t own any Old KISS Albums, do you?
Just wondering….

NAVY: Bad enough you have a Goat for a mascot, but can’t you find a quarterback with a last name that will fit on the back of a football jersey?
Have you all seen the current Navy Quarterback’s Name?
Q’UALLITERRIN-IMATINAREG-TTIMAOOPER-YEPPYZITTER-IEACCNOTTERRT

EDITORS NOTE: I think he is either Hawaiian or Polish…..

TEMPLE: The Owls were a field goal away from TWO wins in a row!
And you know what that means?
I am moving into that abandoned Missile Silo and wait out Armageddon..

ESPN: Is it too much to ask to see the College Marching Bands at Halftime?
Another halftime with Mark “Milk Dud Head” May and Coach Lou and my head will explode..

ESPN II: I would rather listen to Sea Lions breaking wind underwater for three hours than listen to Pam Ward “announce” another football game…ever.

HURRICANE IKE: I don’t know which “Tina” out there is making IKE mad, but you need to stop it!

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, what is with naming the Iowa football team the “Hawkeyes”?
Is naming a football team after an animal body part something new?
Jerry – Jefferson City, Missouri
A: This is nothing new Jerry.
For example, Tennessee decided to go with “Volunteers” because they felt “Possum Rectums” was to hard for the fans to spell…….
Also, the University didn’t want the fans producing “Cook Books” on how to prepare their mascot….
Which would be in bad taste…
No Pun Intended.

Q: I am really worried about the Buckeyes Offensive Line, do you have any ideas on how to shore up the line before this weeks game with the Trojans?
Thanks!
Tommy – Columbus, Ohio
A: I would suggest recruiting Wynonna Judd; she still has a couple of years of eligibility and she is bigger than a damn Oldsmobile…

Q: You are always talking about how great everything is in the South!!!!
Have you ever seen the Southern California Trojan Cheerleaders?
There isn’t anything to compare to them!
J.J. – Culver City, California
A: Yeah J.J….I remember when I hit puberty….
However….I KNOW for a FACT that the Goilden Girls from LSU and the Alabama Crimson Tide Cheerleaders have always had the power to cure the sick and raise the dead….
Enough said….

Q: Mike, as a High School Teacher in Southern California, I can tell you that your characterization of the Aztec’s last weekend was inaccurate and insulting.
The Aztec’s “may” have resorted to human sacrifice, but only after being driven to that despicable act by American Males who killed their Penguins, started the Vietnam War and began the terrible tradition of leaving toilet seats up all around the world.
Ms Davis – Marshall – Johnson – Diaz – Los Angeles, California
A: I think you forgot to mention how we enslaved the Panda’s, melted the Polar Ice caps and killed all the unicorns….

I understand Hootie Snitch, the Self Proclaimed “Number One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Planet!” will have an update for you this week to address the recent Tennessee Loss and other news…

Your Week 3 College Football Picks will be out later in the week….

RTR
MEB