We are nearing the end of October…..
And in most parts of the country autumn is in the air….
The air turns crisp as the leaves begin to change color…..
The cool breeze blows the falling leaves across the landscape….
And young and old alike are preparing for Halloween…..
Children in festive costumes, pumpkin carvings of all types decorate porches and windows
But as we all know….
This is also a dangerous time of the year…..

This is also the time of the year…..

When Fat Phil Fulmer will come out of the pumpkin patch
and douse unsuspecting and unsupervised children in a sweet sugary substance and devour them whole.

So please, do not leave your children unsupervised this time of year and remember:
Fat Phil has been known to wear a variety of disguises to lure children into his waiting jaws.
Such as….
He may be dressed as a larger, more transvestite looking Wynonna Judd
that smells suspiciously like Krispy Kreme Bear Claws….

Or he may be disguised as a 600 pound Pumpkin that smells suspiciously like Krispy Kreme donuts….

He may even appear at a distance to be 1978 Buick LeSabre….
that smells like old feet, pancakes and shame…..

And of course his most diabolical disguise to date…
Dressed as “Shamu” and wearing an “I (Heart) Peyton Manning” T-shirt

EDITORS NOTE: Please consider this public service announcement….
as fulfilling the conditions of my community service.

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Although Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator successfully predicted MO’s Tigers upset of the Oklahoma Sooners, I did however miss a number of other games by a light year or two, and I blame that on the full moon and a lack of bourbon.
That being said…..
Last week I was a “Less than Spectacular” 37 and 13 or 74%
And after eight weeks into the college football season I am 372 and 82 or 82%.

Not too bad all things considered…

EDITORS NOTE: But before you ask….
No I do not want to talk about my beloved Texas Longhorns..

BRIEF COMMENTARY ON THE TENNESSEE VOLUNTEERS

Many of you have asked why I haven’t said more about the troubles in Obknoxville or why I haven’t commented on the Alabama Crimson Tide victory last Saturday.
So let me say this….
I don’t believe in kicking anyone or any program when they are down….

This despite what “coach” Phil Fulmer and his cronies attempted to do to the University of Alabama a number of years ago when he was playing a white trash version of Inspector Clouseau with his “Secret Witnesses” and his obsession with all things Crimson.

And let me say this about the Third Saturday in October….
Coach Bryant said to “Win without bragging and lose without excuse”

EDITORS NOTE: That’s the way it’s supposed to be….

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“Them folks up north like to make fun of us in the South….
cause they say we take our football too seriously down here.
Well let me tell you something young blood….
We damn sure do take it seriously and you want to know why?
‘Cause everybody up north make fun of us….
They make fun of the way we talk, the way we get along with one another…
our religion, our guns and our way of life. They even make fun of our education….
But them folks need to remember one thing…
They might have more ivy growing on them colleges up north….
But we got more National Championships….
You damn right we take it serious….”

THE PICKS

Thursday October 27th

Florida State at North Carolina State
There is a Halloween “special” going on in Raleigh this week…
It’s a Jimbo size ass whipping…..
JIMBO’S NOLES 38-21

North Alabama at Delta State
The Fighting Okra get fried in Florence on Thursday night….
Believe it….
MIGHTY LIONS 43-17

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note…..
I hope my upcoming book deal will allow me to be a guest on the Okra Winfrey Show

Friday October 28th

West Virginia at Connecticut
The Mountaineers of Morgantown get back to their winning ways this week…
By making taking the Huskies on a run…
MOUNTAINEERS 33-17

Saturday October 29th

Northwestern at Indiana
Hoosier? As in…….
Who’s your daddy?
WILDCATS 31-21

Juniata at John Hopkins
I know what you are thinking…
That Johnny Hopkins boy turned out alright…
He got his own medical school and everything..
Johnny is going to need that medical training this Saturday
Because I heard Juanita got laid off from the Wal-Mart loading dock..
And she has a J-Lo size mean on..
J –LO DOWN 28-14

Miami at Virginia
According to the National Weather Service….
Hurricane season lasts until November 1st….
So there you go…
HURRICANES 34-17

Tennessee at South Carolina
The Vowels in the Rear View Mirror are a lot closer than they may appear…
Believe it….
GAMECOCKS 24-20

Virginia Military Academy at Army
This game won’t feature the best football played this Saturday afternoon…
But it will feature some of the very best young men in this country
If seeing the cadets from both military academies march into the stadium….

Doesn’t make your heart beat a little faster…
Doesn’t bring a tear to your eye…
Doesn’t make you proud to live in this country…
Then you probably work in the White House…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 31-17

Purdue at Illinois
This ancient Big Twelve, I mean Eleven…Sorry, I meant Ten Rivalry
Is played each season for something that looks like a miniature Oscar Mayer Wiener Mobile…
Not that it matters…
Halloween is right around the corner..
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-17

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note….
I heard Kenny Chesney used to drive the Wiener mobile….
How appropriate…

Louisville at Pittsburgh
This Big East rivalry between the river towns is always heated…
and this year I am calling for a “not so upset special”
STRONGS CARDINALS 28-24

Syracuse at Cincinnati
The fact that the Orange beat the West Virginia Mountaineers last week at home is..
One of the first signs of the coming apocalypse…..
It’s in the Bible in the Book of Bryant
KATS of BEAR 24-21

UAB at Southern Miss
The Blazers will get torched in beautiful Hattiesburg…
I can almost smell the BBQ smoking from here…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-20

Northern Illinois at Western Michigan
Between the “northern” and the “western” in this game..
I feel like I am reading a Rand McNally Atlas
BRONCOS 31-28

Oklahoma State at Kansas State
I have a feeling the Prairie Wind will be touching the Wildcat’s in the naughty place on Saturday
COWBOY UP! 38-28

Clemson at Boston College
This Atlantic Coast Conference rivalry is played for the O’Rourke- McFadden Trophy
I’m not sure what that actually is….
But I think it looks like a stuffed version of the little guy from Fantasy Island.
Then why don’t they just call it the “Herve Villechaize Trophy”
I’m just asking
DABOS TIGERS 34-17

Akron at Temple
This game features Zippers and Owls…..
Which if you ask me….
Sounds like something dirty is going on down at the barn….
ZIPPERS 33-31

Utica College at Ithaca
If Lou Holtz says the names of these two colleges quickly….
He will form a tsunami of spit…..
It’s a scientific fact
CA’ TSUNAMI 21-17

Marist at Campbell
I still can’t get over Campbell having “Gaylord the Camel” as a mascot….
Not that it matters…
That Marist is a real Fox…
RED FOX 43-10

Citadel at Wofford
This Battle in the Palmetto State….
Is between the school of Chewbacca and the boys from the Military School of South Carolina
I will go with the boys in uniform…
BULLDOGS 31-28

Elon at Chattanooga
The little Cuban boy is going to get a beat down at the home of..
the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum and Wall of Remembrance and Gift Shop.
I hope they have time to take the tour before they leave town.
MIGHTY MOCS 38-24

Samford at Georgia Southern
Is it just me….
Or does every time you hear about “Samford” you think about Fred and Lamount?
It’s just me? Never mind then…
EAGLES 34-17

Ball State at Kent State
When I read that Ball State was playing the Golden Flashes…
I thought…..
That sounds like a party at Elton John’s house…
FLASHERS 33-31

Louisiana Lafayette at Ohio
U La La gets mauled by Franks Cats…
Believe it…
FRANKS BOBCATS 31-17

Ursinus at Moravian
I wonder…..
Is this game an indication that a Moron has a urinary infection?
I know, sometimes I wonder too much…
MORONS 21-17

Kansas at Iowa State
This game begs the question…
Whatever happened to the fat kid from “What’s Happening?”
I’m just asking…
CYCLONES 33-17

San Diego State at Wyoming
I know it sounds hard to believe…
But I think the boys from Laramie are going to win one…
I’m serious, stop laughing…
COWBOYS! 28-24

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering..
Yes, that would most definitely be an upset special…

Tulsa at Notre Dame
The Golden Hurricanes and the Golden Gnomes..
Sounds like a pair of kids video games for sale at Toys R Us…..
FIGHTING IRISH 38-24

UTEP at Marshall
I know, I know….
My Herd let me down last week against the Pirates..
They won’t this week…
WE ARE MARSHALL 31-28

Montana at Weber State
Now I like the people from Weber State as much as anybody…
I personally have owned a number of their grills and smokers and they do indeed make a fine product.
But the Grizzly Bears have a mauling on their mind……
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 43-21

Georgia at Florida
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”
This one has the potential to be a shocker….
MIGHTY GATORS 28-24

California at Oregon State
Given a choice between Bears and Beavers…
I will take Beavers every time….
It’s how I roll….
MIGHTY BEAVERS 28-17

Michigan State at Iowa
Cinderella will lose a shoe in Corn Country….
Believe it….
EYES of the HAWK 28-24

Duke at Navy
It has been rumored that the Blue Devils are making a switch at quarterback…
Unfortunately they have selected Leonard Nimoy….
Which is highly illogical….
MIDSHIPMEN 38-17

Furman at Appalachian State
Seriously, how many colleges did Chewbacca buy with his Star Wars money?
MOUNTAINEERS 38-17

Carson Newman at Newberry
As a fan of Andy Griffith and the town of Mayberry…
I don’t know much about “Newberry”….
but I think it’s close to Mount Pilot
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-28

Miami (OH) at Buffalo
When I first saw this game on the schedule…
I thought the Boys from Miami were playing Wynonna Judd…
If that were the case, they wouldn’t stand a chance..
MEN of RED 34-20

Texas Tech at Texas A&M
In the words of Forrest Gump….
These two teams are like a box of chocolates…
You never know what you are going to get..
GIG EM AGGIES 24-21

Troy at Louisiana Monroe
Believe it or not….
“Louisiana Monroe” is NOT a distant cousin to “Indiana Jones”
Glad I could clear that up for everybody..
MEN OF TROY 34-28

Bowling Green at Central Michigan
Not that it’s all that important here…
But Detroit smells like wet cat food and old urinal cakes
Just thought you should know…
CHIPPEWAS’ 33-23

Wake Forest at Maryland
Between a fight between the two mascots…..
Jimmy Swaggart as the Demon Deacon and the Turtle man as the Fighting Terrapin
Although Jimmy does a better crying and begging routine…
I have to go with…
TURTLE MEN 31-24

St. Scholastica at MacMurray College
Who was “Saint Scholastica” anyway, somebody that could spell really well?
That sounds totally made up to me…
But it is nice to know that Fred MacMurray has his own college
THE FIGHTING FREDS 24-10

Southern Methodist at Tulane
My Proud Ponies had a tough couple of weeks….
But they will trample the wave of green Saturday
You better believe it…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS34-17

Missouri at Nebraska
We are too close to Halloween to go against the Children of the Corn
And the “Victory Bell” goes too….
MIGHTY CORNHUSKERS 34-31

East Carolina at Central Florida
The Golden Knights will get tarnished before this one is over
PIRATES 38-34

Arizona at UCLA
I would watch this game….
But VH1 is having a “Behind the Music” Special on David Hasselhoff…
I think it’s all in German…
BRUINS 28-24

San Jose State at New Mexico State
The Spartans of San Jose has been pretty consistent all season….
They consistently get their ass whipped…
PISTOL PETE 38-17

Montana State at Idaho State
Anytime I see “Idaho” anything, I don’t think about potatoes..
I remember a girl in High School named Ida; she had a questionable reputation
BOBCATS 43-24

Auburn at Ole Miss
This game is going to be uglier than pajama night at Neverland Ranch..
WAR DAMN EAGLE 141-3

EDITORS NOTE: Is it too soon for Michael Jackson jokes?

New Mexico at Colorado State
By the way….
Did they ever bury Michael Jackson or are they still dragging him around on tour?
I’m just asking….
RAM TOUGH 24-21

Vanderbilt at Arkansas
The Commodores will keep this one close until the third quarter..
Then it’s all….
HAWGS 38-17

Houston at Memphis
Two great BBQ Towns….
I am going with the beef brisket in this one….
COUGARS 33-28

Washington State at Arizona State
I would watch this game…..
But I am coming down with a bad case of Boogie Woogie Flu and Disco Fever
Sorry…
DEVILS of the SUN 97-3

Stanford at Washington
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!
Believe it…
HUSKIES 31-28

Kentucky at Mississippi State
Christopher Walken and I are in complete agreement….
You can never have enough Cowbell
BULLY DOGS 28-24

Click here to view the embedded video.

Baylor at Texas
This is an old Southwest Conference rivalry…
But as a side note to this game: “If” my Longhorns….
Lose this game, I want them to know my liver and spleen will explode…
My intestines will be on your conscience…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 24-21

Utah at Air Force
I don’t think you can fit Two Utes in the cockpit of an F-16 Falcon..
Even if it’s the “B” version….
It’s a little tight in there
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-28

Michigan at Penn State
This Rivalry in the North is played for one of the most coveted of all trophy’s.
“The Bejeweled Rolled Loaf of Head Cheese”
You got to hand it to those Yankees….
If there is something that smells bad, they will make a trophy out of it…
JOE PA’S LIONS 31-28

Ohio State at Minnesota
I will keep this simple for the two Golden Gopher fans who read my weekly article
You are going to get your ass whipped on Saturday
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 49-10

Oregon at Southern California
This game is like trying to pick a winner in a war between Iran and Syria
Can’t they both lose?
QUACKERS 54-38

Colorado at Oklahoma
The Buffalos have the same chance of winning this game….
As Hillary Clinton does of being a Hooters Girl….
BOOMER SOONERS 44-17

Utah State at Nevada
This will be the best televised college football game..
On ESPN 3 at 0300 Sunday Morning….
PACK of WOLVES 43-17

Texas Christian at UNLV
Just for the record and for those folks reading this in Tennessee…
“UNLV” does not stand for….
United Norwegian Loquacious Vegans
HORNED FROGS 44-10

Idaho at Hawaii
The folks from Famous Potatoes should really do something about their mascot…
He looks like a convicted child molester out on parole…
I bet Dog the Bounty Hunter would catch him if he was…
That’s all I’m saying….
And in case you were wondering….
Dog the Bounty Hunter can be seen on the A&E Network on Wednesday nights
Check your local stations for times..
WARRIORS bounty hunting on RAINBOWS 33-28

Next Week…..
We will return to a normal format with Hootie Snitch providing “commentary” on Tennessee Volunteer Football and an update on his celebrity golf tournament to help his mother with hoof and mouth disease. (You read that correctly)

As well as catching up on Email Questions from by beloved readers…

Have a great Weekend…

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

And I got me a royal case of the red ass….

And I will tell you why….

First off I’m a sitting here in my bar “Scooters” located in Baneberry Tennessee right next to Frank’s Fireworks Stand and before yawl even write me I know the damn sign on my bar is missing the last “S” in Scooter’s. That ole boy that put it together has got himself a prosthetic eye, I heard he lost it in a weed eater accident and he don’t see so good, so that’s why it’s a missing the last “S”.

But I’m here a nursing me a hangover from hell…
Because of the last two damn weeks of Tennessee Volunteer football.

If you don’t know what I mean, then here you go…

Two weeks ago….
The Volunteers got cheated out of a damn game with them Oregon Ducks..
How do I know that?
Let me tell you….

What do Ducks like? “Water” am I right?
You damn right I’m a right on that one!
So the Volunteers was a handling them Ducks pretty good and a winning the game….
Until it started to rain, that’s right I said RAIN…
Well, that is unfair as hell!
Because that was a when them damn Ducks took off!

What they should have done was stopped the game until it quit raining!
Because it ain’t fair to try and catch ducks in the rain and it don’t make good sense neither!
Them damn Pack 10 referees ain’t worth a tinkers damn if you ask me!
So they basically gave the game to the Ducks…..

Then this past Saturday the damn Urban Gators come to town….
We had us about ten chances to win that game, we damn sure did..
And couldn’t do it cause the Gators cheat like hell and the referees are all on their side cause they probably live down in Florida.

On top of all of that I went to both of them games and felt like me and my wife got cheated on our tickets cause…
a whole bunch of Volunteer fans started leaving in the third quarter in both of them games.

So I asked one of them “so called Tennessee fans” during the Florida game,
if they bought a ticket for half the game and they started a cussing a blue streak and having a full blown hissy fit.
So I accused him of being a Gator fan in Vol clothes!
Which I don’t know if it’s true or not but it’s all I could come with at the time.
And you know what?
Me and the Mrs. Thelma Stroderback –Snitch still don’t know if there is a damn ticket for only half the game at Tennessee?

So there you have it…
Now even though I ain’t too happy about right now…
I am still a going to answer some of my fans questions cause I know yawl want to know what’s on Ole Hootie’s mind.

Hootie’s Email Questions

Q: Hootie I got a question for you
I know there all kinds of turf now days in college football…
But which do you like better artificial turf or natural grass?
GO VOLS!
Jimmy – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: I don’t know Jimmy I ain’t never smoked any artificial turf

Q: Hey Hootie!
Hey I noticed the new Tennessee Volunteer helmets have a “T” on the front of the helmet,
when it used to say “Vols”, is there a reason for the change?
Tina – Dunlap, Tennessee

A: As you know Tina, Coach Drooly is trying to put more emphasis on the education for the players,
so they put the “T” on the front because it stands for “Knowledge”.
They say it makes them players smarter…

Q: Hey Hootie! How Bout them Gators!
Randy – Gainesville, Florida

A: Let me tell you something Randy…
You don’t want to go to “Fist City” with me boy!
I can’t even walk around Baneberry with my hands in my pockets
because the Police will arrest me for concealing two deadly weapons, so you better watch your damn mouth!
Smartass Gator…

Q: Hootie –
Now that you have your bar off its wheels and in a permanent location…
what have you been up to other than supporting the Big Orange?
Do you still work at Dollywood?
Roy – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: Thanks for asking Roy, that last email made my red ass flare up…
Well me and the Miss’s are a running “Scooters” and she is still doing her hand modeling for the East Tennessee Tractor Supply and Fertilizer Store and she is still writing some songs and driving a Baneberry school bus.
The Dollywood show I was in “Who Let the Clogs out?” closed up at the end of the summer.
But I got me a “new” audition coming up at Dollywood for the musical “Phantom of the Oprah”

Q: Give it to us straight Hootie!!!!
As a loyal died in the wool, your blood bleeds orange Tennessee Volunteer Fan..
What do you think about our Football Coach?
“The Boy’s” from Big Ed’s Tire and Appliance, Johnson City, Tennessee

A: Well Boys….
I think Coach Drooly is doing fine, for now….
And I know we can’t get Coach Phil Fulmer back,
because he took that job as “The Ambassador of Lard” for the Tennessee Pride Sausage Company.
But like everybody else I have a Dream…..
That one day….
In the not too distant future….
“He” will come home to Coach the Volunteers
I get misty eyed every time I look at this picture…

One last thing…
Don’t yawl dare forget about my Celebrity Golf Tournament coming up on the 16th of October during the Volunteers bye week.
It’s going to be held right here in Baneberry Tennessee and most of the money is going to a worthy cause.
It’s to help my momma with the Hoof and Mouth disease.

See yawl there!

Hootie Out!

I come to you this week from the confines of the Death Star…
As one of only a dozen Americans left here I wanted to share
Some observations you may be interested in…

The Storm Trooper outfits are surprisingly comfortable
Darth Vader isn’t as tall as I thought he would be….
Yoda from behind looks like a taxi cab with the doors open.
A small green taxi cab, but a taxi cab nonetheless.

But it’s like the “green guy” told me this past week…
“Write the picks you must, disappoint the fans you cannot”

My intergalactic transfer may explain my drop in numbers this past week….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather lousy 40 and 13 or 75%
and overall I stand at 329 and 88 or a subpar 79%.

But this is no time to look back because it is the Third Saturday in October.

And simply put, that means War.

Enjoy your picks!

Thursday October 22nd

Southern Arkansas at Delta State
They say people fall into two categories
Some people are “Dog” people, others are “Cat” people
Me? I’m an Okra man
FIGHTN” OKRA 24-14

North Alabama at Valdosta State
I know a lot of folks in south Georgia love their Blazers from Title Town..
But this is the year of the Lion..
MIGHTY LIONS 34-21

Florida State at North Carolina
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Coach Bobby gets back on track this week..
That is if he is awake from his nap in time…
SEMI-NOLES 28-17

Friday October 23rd

Rutgers at Army
The Black Knights of the Hudson have befuddled me all year
I pick them to Win and they can’t kick a 20 yard field goal…

EDITORS NOTE: This may explain their inability to hit a stationary target with artillery.
But that is another story for another time…

I pick them to Lose and they beat Vanderbilt…
What gives?
If you guys could confuse the enemy as well as you confuse me we would have wrapped the war up five years ago…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 34-17

Lane at Stillman
You don’t really care about this game do you?
I didn’t think so…

Saturday October 24th

Florida at Mississippi State
The Bully Dogs will keep it close…
But I am convinced Superman really does wear number 15.
MIGHTY GATORS 28-14

Texas at Missouri
MO may know football….
But he doesn’t know jack squat about stampedes…
Light the Tower…
LONGHORNS 31-17

Tennessee at Alabama
This game is Democrats and Republicans
Cowboys and Indians
Oil and Water
Jews and Arabs
Except it’s worse…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-17

Juniata at Moravian
I have no idea what this Mexican kid is thinking..
Ever since she had a “bad experience” at the Beauty Shop
Juanita has been in a bad mood and spoiling for a fight…
JUANITA 24-10

Penn State at Michigan
I have on good authority if Coach Rod’s wife attempt’s to “Ugly” the Lion’s into submission
(Which she is more than capable of by the way)
Joe Pa will melt her like the wicked witch of the west with the powerful magnification of his reading glasses.
Go ahead, Dare him too.
JOE PA’S LIONS 33-28

Brevard College at Carson Newman
I knew a rich kid when I was in school named Brevard..
He was a booger eater…
Sorry for the visual
SPARKS EAGLES 38-10

Arkansas at Ole Miss
For the folks from Oxford
All that National Championship and Heisman Trophy talk seems kind of silly now, doesn’t it?
RAZORBACKS 34-17

Chattanooga at Elon
I was told Moccasin Bend is the Mental Heath Hospital on the Tennessee River.
Does that make the Moccasins crazy?
Yes, Crazy Good!
MOCCASINS 28-24

Washington State at California
You want to know what I find interesting about this game?
Nothing…
BEARS 3-2

Oklahoma at Kansas
Coach Stoops should have started Bradford later than sooner.
But I still have faith in the Mighty Sooners…
BOOMER SOONERS 31-17

Georgia Tech at Virginia
This game is going to be uglier than when we trim my sister-in-law’s foot that looks like a hoof.
And that is really saying something…
YELLOW JACKETS 43-10

Georgia Southern at Appalachian State
This game will be a battle from start to finish….
Believe it…
MOUNTAINEER’S 33-28

Oklahoma State at Baylor
The Baylor School of Medicine is one of the finest in the country.
I suspect they will need it when this is over…
COWBOY UP! 38-10

Louisville at Cincinnati
The Game is played annually for the Bucket of Nails..
That’s ironic…
Because this game will be the final nail in Coach K’s career at the Ville.
BEARKATS 34-17

Virginia Military Institute at Presbyterian
The weather is turning colder in the South…
So I have to go with..
BLUE HO’S 23-17

Iowa State at Nebraska
I know what you are thinking…
Last week I picked the Huskers to win and they lost…
I picked the Cyclones to lose and they won…
I won’t miss this week..
Believe it
HUSKERS 24-17

Clemson at Miami
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Call me crazy if you want too…
It’s nothing I haven’t heard from “so called” mental health professionals
DABO’S TIGERS 24-21

EDITORS NOTE: Is it my fault all those ink pictures look like midgets riding possums with wings?
I think I made my point..

Ursinus at McDaniel College
This may not come as a surprise to many of you..
I was the kid in school that always got in trouble for laughing
When the teacher talked about the planet “Uranus…”
I don’t care who you are that’s just a funny word…
Forget I mentioned it…
URANUS 23-17

Louisiana Monroe at Kentucky
Unless I missed something here…
I think Monroe has a Kentucky ass whipping coming to him…
BIG BLUE CATS 38-14

Maryland at Duke
Last Night it was erroneously reported the Blue Devils had a “Big” Pep Rally in honor of this game.
I would like to clear up that misunderstanding for you readers.
Unfortunately the Pep Rally was for the “Math-a-maniacs” team, not the football team.
Sorry…
NINJA TURTLES 28-23

Wartburg at Dubuque
To be honest here
Warts make me want to Dubuque

Akron at Syracuse
Just for the record….
I still think Otto the Orange may be Fat Phil Fulmer…
Except slimmer…O’ ORANGE 31-24

South Florida at Pittsburgh
I wish this were an upset special….
But it won’t be….
And that’s No Bull..
PANTHERS 33-21

Oregon at Washington
Call it Prognosticators Intuition….
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HUSKIES 23-21

Connecticut at West Virginia
You want to know what “victory” smells like in Morgantown.
Burning Couches…
Light em if you got em!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-17

Colorado at Kansas State
They should title this game “The Sybil Bowl”
Between these two teams there have to be at least a half-dozen personalities
WILDCATS 24-20

Illinois at Purdue
You know what Big Ten games mean right?
That’s right, another Big Rivalry for a Trophy!
This game is played for the “Purdue Cannon”
But more important…
The winner of this game…
Has the inside track on the Vienna Sausage Bowl in Dahlonega Georgia.
BOILERMAKERS 27-23

Vanderbilt at South Carolina
The Commodores are down and Steve’s Boys are destined to rebound….
GAMECOCKS 34-14

Texas A&M at Texas Tech
My Dear, Loyal Aggie faithful….
Do you want R.C. Slocum’s cell number?
Just wondering..
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 38-14

Minnesota at Ohio State
The Gophers may be O’ So Golden….
But the Buckeyes have a mean on this week….
BUCKEYES 34-10

Indiana at Northwestern
Another Big Ten Rivalry Game!
This Game is played for the “Prosthetic Eye of Newt”
I have no idea what Newt is going to do all year without his glass eye
HOMERS 24-20

UAB at Marshall
Three words for you….
“WE ARE MARSHALL”
THUNDERING HERD 34-14

EDITORS NOTE: Please no more email question about Matthew McConaughey,
I cannot in good conscience give out my buddy’s personal information.

Northern Illinois at Miami (OH)
I am not trying to give anyway any secrets here…
But the winner of this game is a leading candidate for the prestigious
Toe Nail Fungus Bowl in Minot North Dakota.

Boston College at Notre Dame
This old rivalry has more trophies and titles than Carter has Liver Pills.
You don’t think so?
The Game is called “the Holy War”
It’s played for the “Frank Leahy Memorial Bowl” and “The Ireland Trophy”
They could simply this whole process if they just played this game for the coveted..
“Bejeweled Stick of Gout”
FIGHTN’ IRISH 38-17

Wake Forest at Navy
Congratulations to the Midshipmen
for last weeks win over my SMU Mustangs and receiving the “Gansz Trophy”
The pain still lingers for me….
MIDSHIPMEN 34-14

Air Force at Utah
Everybody knows I love those Falcons….
But my cousin Vinny Likes the Two Ute’s
TWO UTES 31-24

UCLA at Arizona
I was going to watch this game but I heard Wynonna Judd is going to wrestle a Black Bear on Pay-per-View.
I am sorry, that’s can’t miss entertainment.
Plus I hear they are going to wear sombreros
BRUINS 5-3

Iowa at Michigan State
YES! Another game for a “Trophy” in the Big Ten!
This one is played for the “Triangular Clump of Manure”
It’s prestigious..
EYES of the HAWK 24-20

Tulane at Southern Miss
Doesn’t the term “Green Wave” sound like somebody let their swimming pool go…
Maybe it’s just me…
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-17

Texas Christian at Brigham Young
This game promises to be a slug fest…
But the altitude and the Cougars can’t stop the horned amphibians.
HORNED FROGS 24-21

Southern Methodist at Houston
My Proud Ponies will keep this one close…
Real Close….
COUGARS 33-28

Oregon State at Southern California
Beaver Jim, your wish is my command sir…
I hope your plan works…
TROJAN$ 44-10

Auburn at LSU
Tigers and Tigers…..
But I am partial to Mike the Tiger….
Maybe it’s the name?
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-14

Arizona State at Stanford
The only good thing about this game..
Is the opportunity to show you evidence of the dumbest damn mascot in College Football

CARDINAL 6-3

EDITORS NOTE: For those of you wanting to object to my observation and believe Evergreen State has the dumbest mascot, they hold the distinction of the “grossest” mascot. Glad I could clear that up..
Thanks Beaver Jim for the disturbing photo..

Sunday October 25th

Boise State at Hawaii
This game reminds me that I am missing “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
Damn It…
BRONCOS 38-14

Methodist at Averett
I can’t believe the Methodist are playing football on Sunday…
I bet Averett is a Methodist too.
This is sacrilegious, Sunday is for Professional Football
It’s in the Bible, Book of Landry, Look it up…

I understand Hootie will have an update next week on the status of his new restaurant
purchased with his “stimulus package”.
So stay tuned..

Have a Great Weekend

RTR
MEB

This past Saturday was certainly the Day of the Dog….
There were Bulldogs and Huskies…..
They came from Georgia, Mississippi State and Northern Illinois and Washington

On this day their bite was way worse than their bark….

The Bulldogs of Georgia hunkered down and treated Arkansas like a far sighted geriatric Mail carrier….

Bully from Mississippi State chewed the Commodores like a new dog toy….

The Huskies from Northern Illinois turned Purdue Pete into a crying four year old

And what did the Huskies from Washington do?
The week before they snapped the nation’s longest losing streak….
This past Saturday the Mighty Huskies took down the national sports media’s darling.

Congratulations to the Big Dogs….
We won’t forget that day anytime soon….

Now let’s take a look at the rest of the action that took place on Saturday

ARMY: O.K, I pick you to win and you lose…..
I pick you to lose and you win…
If this is some kind of Physiological ploy to confuse me
I want you to know, it’s working.

SOUTHERN METHODIST: Damn it Ponies, you almost had them….

SOUTHERN MISS: Much like the rest of the Golden Eagle Fans…
I want to thank you for scaring the crap out of me Saturday…
Great win over a tough ACC opponent..

TENNESSEE: All that bragging makes you feel pretty stupid about now
Doesn’t it?

VIRGINIA TECH: When the going gets tough in Blacksburg..
The Hokies will throw the two biggest Wang’s in college football at you.
Which despite the fact I am talking about the Wang brothers that play defense for the Hokies….
That just sounded nasty..
Sorry..

UTAH: Many of my Utah faithful have asked me “What happened on Saturday?”
Here is your answer…
With a number of senior leadership graduating last season they have too much Ute on the current team to have overcome the pesky quackers.

NAVY: Damn it….

OHIO STATE: My Buckeye faithful….
I have a question for you…
In your game with U$C last week, did you allow PAC 10 referees to officiate the game?
The reason I ask…
I have photographic proof that the Trojan$ didn’t score their touchdown on fourth and goal
More on this later

BRIGHAM YOUNG: It looked like Cinderella lost her shoes…

KENTUCKY: Congratulations on winning the Commonwealth Cup
You Big Cats deserved it…

CINCINNATI: I would have picked you BearKat’s this past Saturday….
But as we already discussed last week
I never got my shipment of Gold Star or Sky Line Chili…
Yes, it’s like that

BAYLOR: Please see “Navy”

NOTRE DAME: Told you so….

FLORIDA STATE: In case you didn’t know…
The Seminoles went into Saturday’s game with an unfair advantage
Coach Bobby not only read Brigham Young’s play book
He knew the man…

ARKANSAS: This is for the Razorback quarterback…
Listen Ryan, I know you came from Michigan and football up there is a “big deal”
But down here, don’t run your mouth about southern boys before you play them..
If you need a reference, please see “Tennessee” above.

WASHINGTON: I want to thank my Huskies Fans for writing me in various stages of inebriation on Saturday night, but let’s not forget that I did invoke the name of the Original Dog Father, Coach Don James in this weeks picks….
No need to thank me…

U$C: In case all you Trojans were wondering…
We are not laughing with you..
We are laughing AT you…

COLLEGE FOOTBALL POLLS: Now let’s see….
Ohio State lost a close battle to the Trojan$ and they fell out of the top ten….
The University of the Second coming lost to an unranked team..
But I am betting they won’t fall as far as Ohio State did losing to a ranked team…
And we are supposed to believe this is “unbiased”?

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Awesome Pick Mike!
I couldn’t believe it when you picked the Cane’s to beat the Yellow Jacks of Georgia Tech!
We hadn’t beaten them in 4 years!
How did you do it?
Thanks again!
Troy – Fort Lauderdale, Florida

A: It’s a blessing and a curse Troy.

Q: Sir, I’m currently in need of some players.
I lost my Smelley, Succup combo and realllllly need a replacement.
I am impressed with the Green, Cox combo incorporated by my contemporaries at UGA.
Think you could get me a Lotta, Butts or maybe a Smelly, Finger combo?
Thanks
Steve Spurrier
The REAL USC

A: Coach, what did I tell you about contacting me on this forum?
Just call me…

Q: Dear Sir –
We hope with the recent passing of our great President of the NCAA, Myles Brand that you feel some remorse over the many things you have written on your website concerning this fine man.
With his passing we hope that we can move past the rhetoric together and towards real reform in collegiate athletics.
We here at the NCAA will miss President Myles Brand and his leadership but we know that he is looking down on the staff of the NCAA and depending on all of us to continue his work in college athletics.
Sincerely – The NCAA Enforcement Staff, Indianapolis, Indiana

A: Didn’t you mean to say “he is looking up”….
The only reason I mention it..
Is because I hope you all had the good sense to bury him in an asbestos suit.
I have a sneaking suspicion he is going to need it.

Q: Dude! What the Hell!
You picked Notre Dame over the Spartans!
We hadn’t beaten them at home since 1993!
We are still partying in South Bend!
How’d you do it?
Sean – South Bend, Indiana

A: Call it the luck of the Irish..

Q: Dear Sir,
Just a short letter to inform you that MYLES DIDN’T GET ME!
MYLES DIDN’T GET ME, NYAHH, NA NA NA NA!

Pete Carroll
Supreme Commander of Football
University of $outhern California

A: I can’t say this letter is a surprise..

Q: Dear Mr Wizard,
As the NUMBER UNO BIGGEST GEORGIA BULLDAWG FAN IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE!
I have been reading up on that female runner everybody’s been talking about.
See, she’ supposed to be a cross between a guy and a girl.
I saw a picture of her and she does kinda look like a girl.
But, when you hear her talk she sounds like a guy.
They said she’s got some of them male parts of her…
I think they call ‘em Tostitos or something that aint dropped yet.
Kinda like a dawg puppy that aint quite grown up yet.
You know, after a few months their Tostitos will drop and everything like that.
Well, I got to lookin’ at some of them Tennessee Volunteers cheerleaders on the TV the other day and got to thinkin that boy, some of them girls look like they could be that runner girls sister!! Or brother!!
Do you thank them Tennessee Volunteers have been recruitin’ cheerleaders from foreign countries?
Is that even legal?
I think that I’m going to write the NCAAP and tell that Mr Myles Brand that he needs to be a lookin’ up some of them girls skirts to make sure they are the right S – E – X to be doin’ some cheerin.
Besides, my buddy Homer Philpot said that Mr Lane Kiffin was using a couple of them girls in their games as receivers and that just aint fair!!
Lenny in Ludowici

A: You’ve been drinking again, haven’t you Lenny?

More later on in the week…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Sorry I haven’t written lately….
As you all know I am in the Musical production at Dollywood called….
“Who Let the Clogs Out…”

That show has taken off like a fresh bought Roman Candle!
I ain’t kiddin neither!
When I go down to the beauty parlor to get my mullet dyed, everybody knows my name!

But fame does have its draw backs…

You guessed it….
I done went and got me a stalker…
And let me tell you….

That gal is crazy as a June bug in a mayonnaise jar….

That’s her getting arrested….

So with all the attention….
I thought it best to say good-bye to the Peyton Manning Trailer Park and Casa Da Hootie…
And I moved into what they call a “gated” community….

It’s kind of exclusive….
It’s only for what they call “upscale Tennessee Vol Fans”…

Here is a picture from the brochure them people sent me from the gated community..
It’s nice ain’t it?

Ladies, if you ins is in the neighborhood feel free to stop by the new and improved Casa Da Hootie….
All except you know who, the judge told you to restrain yourself!

But that ain’t what I want to catch you up on right now…
I got a surprise for yawl!
I don’t know if yawl remembers….
But a sometime back I talked to them folks from McDonalds about an idea I had…
“The McMuskrat” sandwich…and the “McPossum” burger….

Well them smart ass people laughed me out of the room…
But it’s just like my momma always told us…
They laughed at the Righteous brothers too when they started out..
Then before you know it they was singing and flying everywhere…

So I got to thinking….
And Wham O!
It Hit Me!

So I went and rented me a previously owned single wide close to town and I am a opening…
You ready?
HOOT-R’s
Get it? It’s like that other place, but it uses my name too!

I am going to have the grand opening….
Just in time for the first Tennessee Volunteer football game on the season!
GO VOLS!

I am going to have the greatest football coach in the whole damn world there too!
You guessed it Coach Phil Fulmer!

Not really sure why Coach Phil is a eattin that Twinkie fellow…
But I am a guessing he must be hungry…
Anyway…

Guess who else is going to be at the Grand Opening?
Just for you men out there…
Last years Homecoming Queen from the University of Tennessee
Miss Claudette Strunk!
GO VOLS!
I even got a picture of her as we was setting up the restaurant…

She is hotter than a jalapeño pepper ain’t she?

I got everything you want for a Tennessee Volunteer Party!

By the way…No Gators allowed.

So come on down to HOOT-R’s…
Look for the sign next to the single wide just outside of Baneberry Tennessee on Leadmine Road…

Don’t be afraid to ask for my autograph…It’s free.

Hootie – Out!

I know….

But Please Stop.. you are embarrassing me….

Just Because I was THE ONLY College Football Prognosticator in the Country to Pick the Texas Christian Horned Frog win (Not an “upset”) last night over the “Undefeated” BYU Cougars is no reason for such adulation…..

I am just a simple College Fooball Prognosticating Genius…

Sort of like “Rain Man”…without the stammer…

Enjoy Your Picks!

College Football NEWS and VIEWS

TENNESSEE: Did anyone see or hear the pregame “interviews” with selected Tennessee Players before last weeks game with Georgia?

In case you missed it…

Here is a brief review….

Defensive Lineman Robert Ayers from Cilio, South Carolina…

“We Ima Heba Go baaa Too Ratba….I sama geaam!”

Offensive Lineman Anthony Parker from Jonesboro, Georgia….

“GOO da bam an da big ga bubba, do da gema too!”

and Last but not Least….

Quarterback Nick Stephens from Flower Mound, Texas…

“EWUS de see moo to harrr, te gema form tut!”

EDITORS NOTE: I am almost certain they are all “Speech” Majors….

TENNESSEE (PART II): Anybody see ALL the Tennessee Volunteer Mascots lined up on the sidelines last weekend in Georgia?
It looked like the cast from “Alice in Wonderland”….
There was a Mountain Man….yet they aren’t the “Mountaineers”
and they aren’t the “David Crockett’s”….
or even the “Crockett’ers”…

EDITORS NOTE: I think the “Crockett’ers” sounds like an Old Peoples Dancing Club…

 
THEN….
There was the student in the Dog Costume…
and they aren’t the “Dogs”…
or the “Dawgs”…
Or even the “Huckleberry Hounds”…

EDITORS NOTE: Although that is a thought….

Then there is the “Real” Blue Tick Hound…
Yet…
We already covered the “Canine” topic haven’t we?

Did you see the student in the “Orange” Costume?
I know they have a lot of “Fruits” in Tennessee…
But “Oranges”?

TENNESSEE (PART III): I am still waiting to hear from my Tennessee Vol fans on the Trivia question….
 ”Who was the Last Quarterback to Start for the Vols from the state of Tennessee…?”

Don’t worry….

I’ll wait….

AUBURN: First the “Good News”….

Coach Tubberville fired “Himself” this week after calling what he described as a horrible game last week with Arkansas…

Now the “Bad News”….

Coach Tubberville then hired “Himself” back with a 6 million dollar buy-out clause…

OKLAHOMA STATE: You boys damn sure Cowboy’d Up!
Congratulations on a GREAT Win….

OLE MISS: I have a “Safety Tip” for any Rebel Fans planning on making the trip to “T” Town this weekend…
“IF” any of you Rebel Fans that threw bottles (and yes even shoes..)..and spit on our players after last years game in Oxford attempt the same stunt again this year…

YOU will not get out of T-Town in the same shape you arrived….

That’s a promise…

COMMERCIALS: What the Hell is wrong with the folks from Pizza Hut?

A commercial that shows a Father ”showing” his son how to eat a slice of pizza?

We are not interested in the “Further Adventures of the Wussy Family”…

AP and USA TODAY POLLS: SOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo
The Southern California Trojans are Number #6 in one poll…
and…
Number # 8 in another poll?

I am sorry, I can’t seem to remember…
Who have they played to “GET BACK” into the Top Ten?

Nobody….
“ENTITLEMENT”…..

The Ohio State Buckeyes lost to (by the national media accounts) “The Best Team EVER”…

Yet they can’t get back into the Top Ten….

Why?
“ENTITLEMENT”…..

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: YOU still aren’t on probation? Really?

Who did you have for NCAA Investigatiors, O.J.’s “First” jury?

NCAA: You know what’s coming now right?

“So where is the Investigation into Reggie Bu$h and the $outhern California Trojan$?”

We are still waiting….

ESPN: If you were watching the Texas – Oklahoma game: Then you heard the worse, most uncomfortable conversation of all time during a broadcast college football game between Brent Musberger and Kirt Herbstreit….

KIRT: I love the atmosphere of this game with the Texas State Fair right outside the Cotton Bowl..

BRENT: Isn’t that the Texas Ferris Wheel in the distance?

KIRT: Let me see..I am reading from the Texas State Fair Guide..
The Texas State Ferris Wheel is one of the largest free standing Ferris Wheels in the World at Over 200 plus feet tall…

BRENT: What do you say you and I take a ride on that after the game?

KIRT: What? No, that’s alright……
Looks like Oklahoma is ready to take the field after the time-out…

BRENT: We could relax on the wheel and forget about the troubles on Wall Street and see the lights of Dallas from up there….

KIRT: No, that’s alright Brent I’ll pass….

EDITORS NOTE: Just when you think Brent Musburger couldn’t get any creeper….
He wants to get all “Mister McFeely” with Kirt Herbstreit…..

ESPN (PART II): Thanks so much for adding “another” studio analyst to an already crowded lineup…

Todd McShay..”Director of College Scouting”

Are YOU Kidding me?

Call him what he is…..

Another..
“Master of the Obvious”…

CLEMSON: Although about FOUR years too late to suit me….

YOU made the right decision…

It’s time to get a REAL Football Coach for the Tigers….

One is on the way…
Believe me…

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, could you start picking some other “smaller” schools in the northeast?
Think about it!
Ben – Dover, Delaware
A: O My Gosh….
ARE you KIDDING Me!
“BEN DOVER”?
I may have peed on myself….

Q: Mike, I know this is not your normal subject matter…
 But what do you know about today’s ”so-called”… ”Energy Drinks”?
Are they harmful?
Thanks!
Molly – Fort Smith, Arkansas
A: Molly you came to the right place…
“Little Known” fact  we folks in the South have known for years…
Mountain Dew is the “Orginal” Energy Drink…
You don’t think so?
If you drink Mountain Dew for breakfast for four years you can’t donate blood..
Enough said…

Q: I want to thank Hootie Snitch for the smoking hot picture of that “girl” he got arrested with!
Bunch of us done downloaded the picture and got it blowed up!
It’s hanging in the work shed right now!
Skeeter – Dandridge, Tennessee
A: See the below email…

Q: DAMN! Where in the Hell did Hootie Snich find that GOOD Looking Gal?
LORDY I done copied that picture and sent it to all my friends!
Hot damn, I am still all lathered up over that picture!
War Eagle!
Chip – Loachapoka, Alabama
A: It’s nice to know that Hootie has “Interstate” appeal…

Q: Helloo! I want you to know that I enjoy your article!
I read each week!
You inspire me to follow my dreams!
I inspire to be the FIRST Asian Ghost Buster!
YES!
So I go back to Hong Kong and follow my dream!
Chang – San Francisco, California
(Hong Kong!)
A: SOOOooooooooooooooooo
Who you gonna Crawl?

THE GAMES

Saturday October 18th

Texas Tech at Texas A&M
If you have children in the room when this game is on…
Please, send them out to play…
This is going to be really ugly…
As in my Sister-in-Law in a string bikini ugly…
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 38-17

Vanderbilt at Georgia
On paper this looks like a really close game…
But Football isn’t played on paper…
HOW Bout Them DAWGS!
DAWGS 28-17

LSU at South Carolina
Please see “Texas Tech at Texas A&M” for a graphic description of this game…
FIGHT’N TIGERS 31-14

EDITORS NOTE: Sorry for the above visuals, but yes…
They will be “That” ugly…

Syracuse at South Florida
A team called the “Orange” goes to Florida and gets squeezed…

Coincidence?

I think not…
BULLS 33-10

Kutztown at East Stroudsburg
Is Kutztown close to Funky Town?
Just wondering….

Wake Forest at Maryland
I wish I had a shirt that says…
“I Got Crabs in Maryland”…
But sometimes I wish for too much…
NINJA TURTLES 24-21

Purdue at Northwestern
I would watch this game but I have all the symptoms….
That I am getting Disco Fever…
WILLDCATS 24-23

Memphis at East Carolina
I don’t know where either team has been for the past three weeks…
So this is a toss up…
PIRATES 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Maybe Skip Holtz has been too busy “Interviewing” for the Clemson job before it even became open….

Because he has….

Connecticut at Rutgers
The Jersey (Pronounced: Jeo-seeeeee) Cinderella lost her shoes….
And…..
Mid-Night Powder Blue Eye Shadow…
HUSKIES 27-21 

Georgia Tech at Clemson
Everything says the folks from Carolina won’t win….
But this is about “Pride”….
I am a Believer…
TIGERS 23-21

Frostburg State at Ithaca
You know a school is ten miles from the artic circle when they name it “Frost-burg”…
Or maybe….
This is the school were “Frosted Flakes” was invented…
Never mind..

Wisconsin at Iowa
Will the Mighty Badgers lose four in a row?
Not this year….
Believe in the Power of Cheese……
BADGERS 33-27

Nebraska at Iowa State
Did anybody see the “Black Shirts” take the Red Raiders to Overtime last week?
Enough said…
CORNHUSKERS 34-17

Kansas at Oklahoma
My Choice for the “Last Team on the Planet to Play when they are Mad as Hell”…..

BOOMER SOONERS 34-23

Colorado State at Utah
I really didn’t know which way to go on this one…….
But I just got finished watching “My Cousin Vinnie..”
TWO UTES 33-28

Baylor at Oklahoma State
Have I mentioned that the Baylor School of Medicine is one of the finest Medical Schools in the country?
They may need it when this is over….
COWBOY UP! 31-17

Southern Miss at Rice
I wish I could take the Golden Eagles in this one….
and I would have…
But you got rid of Coach Bower…
MY FAVORITE PUDDING 24-20

Ole Miss at Alabama
Let’s keep this one simple shall we?
CRIMSON TIDE 27-17

Southern California at Washington State
The cougars couldn’t whip cream……
TROJAN$ 116-0

Ohio State at Michigan State
This is going to be one hell of an old fashion Big Ten..I mean “Eleven” Fight…
Don’t blink….
BUCKEYES 23-20

Westminster at LaGrange College
“Haw..Haw Haw…”
I just couldn’t resist another ZZ Top reference…

North Carolina at Virginia
I think the world of those boys from the Old Dominion…
But…
The Tar Heels are for REAL….
(Just like I told you they were at the begining of the season..)
TAR HEELS 28-17

Pittsburg at Navy
Do you know who I think will have a “Big” day in this game?
The Midshipman Quarterback….
“Kaippo-Nooa KKahheeakku- Ennhhadda”

That poor boy’s name starts at the back of his jersey and goes all the way to the front….

MIDSHIPMEN 23-21

 
Hiram at Eartham
If your name is Hiram…
You are harder than Woodepecker Lips…
It’s a Law…
HIRAM whips EARTHAM’s Ass….

MTSU at Louisville
Everytime I see one of these “Alphabet Soup” Schools…
I have the uncontrollable urge to “Buy a Vowel”….
CARDINALS 38-17

Randolph Macon at Emory & Henry
I wish this was Randolph “Bacon”…
Because….
There is nothing like pork products to enhance a Tailgating experience…
I’m Just saying….

Miami (FL) at Duke
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!
WHAT?
Have you lost your damn minds?
HURRICANES 33-16

Army at Buffalo
O.K…..
West Point has “won” two weeks in a row….
Which is normally a sign of the coming Apocalypse…
But in his case I believe it means….
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 27-24

Marshall at UAB
Here we go with “Alphabet Soup” again…
“Vanna Darling could I buy a Vowel?”

EDITORS NOTE: FACT….
When the above is spoken with a Southern accent…
You automatically win the Grand Prize….
Not that is matters here…

THUNDERING HERD 31-13

Stanford at UCLA
Another “BIG GAME” in the PAC 10 this week….
I would watch it too….
But….
“Mr. Potato Head: Behind The Music” is on VH1….
Sorry…
BRUINS 23-21

Michigan at Penn State
The Wolverines “Might” win this game…..
And….
Mrs. Coach Rod “Might” not dress like a ten dollar hooker….

We all know….
Neither of which is possible…
JO PA’S LIONS 31-16

Kansas State at Colorado
My Sister-in-Law “reviewed” the films of her leading the Colorado Team onto the field a few weeks ago…..
She thinks the camera makes the hump on her back look “smaller”….
If only it could do something with that one foot that looks like a hoof…
BUFFALOS 33-28

Arkansas at Kentucky
I can honestly say…..
I have NO Idea who has the advantage here…
Take your pick…
WILDCATS 27-24

Oregon State at Washington
I am not ashamed to say it…..
Damn It…
I Love Beavers!
BEAVERS 34-14

EDITORS NOTE: Please, No Hate Mail this week from people who think I am being Nasty…
I am just talking about the BEAVERS!

Idaho at Louisiana Tech
I think ”Famous Potatoes” are going to get a Cajun Mashing…
DOOLEY’S BULLDOGS 38-10

Mississippi State at Tennessee
I believe Coach Croom’s Dog’s are Hungry…..
and are more than capable….
Of Treeing a Volunteer…
CROOM’S BULLDOGS

Lenoir Rhyne at Carson Newman
If this was LeeAnn Rimes I still think the Eagles would win…
It would just be more fun to watch…
SPARKS EAGLES 34-24

Occidental at Chapman
Don’t they mean “accidental”?
NOW that makes sense….

Missouri at Texas
Everybody thinks MO’s Tigers will beat the Longhorns…
Just like “THEY” all thought the Sooners would roll the Horns up last week….

HOOK EM….
LONGHORNS 38-34

Virginia Tech at Boston College
IF the Turkeys want to have a chance in this game they better get that Big Ole Wang in the game….
HOKIES 24-23

EDITORS NOTE: What Now? I was talking about Ed WANG….

San Jose State at New Mexico State
I think “San Jose” is Spanish for….
I just got my ass Kicked in New Mexico…
AGGIES 34-23

UTEP at Tulsa
What is it with all the Alphabet Soup U’s this week?
TEP-U and Golden Hurricanes too?
Common decency prevents me from commenting on this one…

HURRICANES of GOLD 38-33

Indiana at Illinois
I still haven’t heard back from you folks in Indiana on the name change from “Hoosiers” (Which nobody knows what the hell that is…)

To…”The Gomers!”
With!
Jim Nabors as an Official Sponsor!

How does this sound….
“Here come the Gomers! SHAZAM!”
Just think about it…that’s all I ask

ZOOKS FIGHTN PUMPKINS 34-17

Houston at Southern Methodist
My Poor Ponies have been rode hard and put up wet….
COUGARS 43-24

California at Arizona
I would watch this game but Mike Tyson is going to be on Celebrity Jeopardy…

I hope I get to hear him say…

“I’wa take “People I want to Kill” for 500 Al-wex”….

BEARS 38-24

Air Force at UNLV
Seriously….
What is the Deal with all the Acronym U’s this week?
Next week I am going to combine all the Acronym-Alphabet Schools into one word…
It will be like Scrabble for cool people…
FALCONS 33-31

Enjoy Your Games!

RTR
MEB