It’s Bowling Season……..

And with more Bowl Games than ever and sponsorships of the games difficult to follow

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will break the Bowl games down into two parts for your reading enjoyment.

No need to thank me….

Think of it as an early Christmas present…..

Enjoy Part I of your Bowl games……

THE BOWL GAMES (PART I)

December 18th

New Mexico Bowl
Albuquerque, New Mexico
BYU and UTEP
This “bowl” game with its simple name recognizing the state in which it is played
was changed to its current name after the “sponsorship” of the previous bowl game was determined to be “inappropriate”.
The bowl game was formally known as the…..
“We Suck Bowl” sponsored by Hoover Vacuum Cleaners
With all the letters in these two teams it should have been sponsored by….
Campbell’s Alphabet Soup….
COUGARS 33-24

uDrove Humanitarian Bowl
Boise, Idaho
Northern Illinois and Fresno State
This sponsorship confuses me…..
Why would you drive to Boise Idaho to be a Humanitarian?
Frankly that sounds like a threat to me….
BULLDOGS 28-24

R&L Carrier New Orleans Bowl
New Orleans, Louisiana
Ohio and Troy
I think to name your bowl game after a “carrier”
During the cold and flu season is just rude…
I hope the sponsors get runny noses out of this….
MEN OF TROY 31-28

December 21st

Beef O’ Brady’s St Petersburg Bowl
St. Petersburg Florida
Louisville and Southern Miss
What in the hell were the sponsors of this bowl game thinking?
It sounds like the game is sponsored by a porn actor
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-17

December 22nd

MAACO Las Vegas Bowl
Las Vegas, Nevada
Utah and Boise State
Isn’t MACCO where Rita Rod get’s her make-up applied?
Never mind, I just remembered she has it done at Earl Shive
Sorry for the confusion….
Two Utes get their potatoes mashed….
BRONCOS 33-31

December 23rd

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
San Diego, California
San Diego State and Navy
I much prefer the more appropriate name for this “California” Bowl game
“The Wild Fire Illegal Aliens Mud Slide Earthquake Out of Sight Taxes Bowl”
It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
MIDSHIPMEN 38-17

December 24th

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
Honolulu, Hawaii
Tulsa and Hawaii
Dog the Bounty Hunter’s mullet could beat both of these teams…
Don’t make him prove it either…
WARRIORS Bounty Hunting on RAINBOWS 43-38

December 26th

Little Caesars Bowl
Detroit, Michigan
Florida International and Toledo
Who in the hell thought a bowl game in Detroit was a good idea?
What was their second choice for a bowl game, Beirut Lebanon?
They should have gone with Beirut; it’s safer than Detroit….
SUNSHINE PANTHERS 33-28

December 27th

AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl
Shreveport, Louisiana
Georgia Tech and Air Force
Much like you…..
I have no idea what the hell a V100 is and why somebody Advo – Cares about it…
Why can’t this just be the Weed Eater Bowl, like it used to be….
MIGHTY FALCONS 34-28

December 28th

Champs Sports Bowl
Orlando Florida
North Carolina State and West Virginia
I like this match-up…..
It will be slobber knocker to the final whistle…..
Light those Couches in Morgantown!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-31

Insight Bowl
Tempe, Arizona
Iowa and Missouri
I have some “insight” for you in this Bowl game….
This has the potential to be one of the better games of the season….
Believe it
MO’ KNOWS BOWLS 24-21

December 29th

Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman
Washington, D.C.
Maryland and East Carolina
Since this game is in Washington D.C…….
The sponsors debated between the games current name…
And “The Beltway Bandit Contractor’s Bowl” and
“The Crack Pipe Bowl” sponsored by Marion Barry
I wish they would have gone with the latter…
It’s more appropriate
FIGHTING TURTLES 33-27

Texas Bowl
Houston, Texas
Illinois and Baylor
What I wouldn’t give to be in Houston town tonight…..
BEARS 28-20

Valero Bowl
San Antonio, Texas
Oklahoma State and Arizona
Little known fact…..
“Valero” is Spanish for…..
“Sam Houston kicked Santa Anna’s ass at San Jacinto”
I can say that because each and every morning I wake up and..
Remember the Alamo
COWBOY UP! 38-17

More on the way to include Part II of the Bowl Picks

So Stay Tuned

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Your Week 11 Picks are out a day early in Honor of the Marine Corps 235th Birthday
And Veterans Day…

To all my Marine Brothers and Sisters across the globe….
I want to wish you a Happy 235th Birthday…..
And never forget we Marines aren’t in the “military” as some would have you to believe…
We are a cult..
That oddly enough does not believe in putting your hands in your pockets.

Thursday is also Veterans Day, as well as the Birthday of one of the Greatest American General’s of the 20th Century, General George S. Patton Jr.

EDITORS NOTE: I bet my Army brothers are surprised I knew that…
It’s because as you may have guessed I am a storehouse for “Strange Facts Known by Few”

And as a side note….
Don’t “Thank a veteran for their service”…
It makes us sound like we are waiters or waitresses at Shoney’s.
Take the time to thank them for your freedom…
That precious gift given to citizens of a free country…
Through the blood and sacrifice of their warriors..

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Before we get into the statistics of Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…
I want to point out a couple of issues…..

I finally pick Syracuse to “win” and they lose….

I finally pick UAB to “win” and they lose…..

EDITORS NOTE: I am going to try the same tactic with Texas in the coming weeks..
And “NO” I do not want to talk about my beloved Longhorns game last week….

And lastly…..
To my LSU Tiger faithful you may have noticed…
That I picked the score of the game with Alabama correctly but with the opposite results.
It was because I was feeling particularly dyslexic that day.
Great Win Fightn’ Tigers…

To my adopted and much loved Clemson Family….
Did I not tell you to “Believe”?
No need to thank me…

With all that being said…..
I was a much improved 45 and 13 or 78% on week 10 of college football.
That leaves us at 458 and 110 for the season or 81% after ten full weeks of college football.
Not too bad, all things considered….

EMAIL LETTER OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
I got me a question I hope you can a help with.
My wife (Fawn Marie) has been a wanting some of them breasts implants..
So we go shopping down to the Wal-Mart and find us some near the automotive section.
They wasn’t bad, but they wasn’t all that good neither, if you know what I mean.
Well here is where the problem started.

We ain’t got the insurance from the Government yet, so we had to have my wife’s cousin who is a taxidermist install them on her. And at first them things looked just alright, but before you know’d it them things looked cockeyed as Tennessee Coach Derek Dooley!
So I got to thinking…..

Do you think that’s why Coach Dooley get’s confused on the number of players on the football field cause he’s a seeing double? What do you think?
Johnny – Dunlap, Tennessee

A: I think this is perhaps the most disturbing email I have received to date….
But I have to admit you may be on to something with Coach Dooley…

A VETERANS DAY MESSAGE
FROM SKILLET WILSON

“I was in the big one, they call it World War Two, but some peoples call it W-W 2…
And I remember landing at D-Day in Normandy France like it was yesterday…..
It was June 6th 1944….
It was cold too man! So me and my machine gunner “Ennis”; but I call him Pancake cause that boy could put down the pancakes! Anyway, so we get off that cold ass landing craft and the damn Japanese were all over the damn place! Running around a Banzi-ing one another!
It was about the damn’dist thing I ever seen!”

“If you don’t believe me, I got one question for you…”

“Wuz you there?”

“Cause if you wasn’t….”

“Then you need to shut the hell up and let me finish telling my damn story….”

EDITORS NOTES: Due to time constraints….
I had to cut Mr. Skillet Wilson off and move on with the picks or you would have been reading his “story” until Sunday afternoon.

THE PICKS

Thursday November 11th

Pittsburgh at Connecticut
Big Cats and Big Dogs in this one…
I’m going with the boys from Iron City Beer…
PANTHERS 28-24

East Carolina at UAB
This game is at Legion Field in Birmingham..
The sign at the stadium says, “The Football Capital of the South”
That is good enough for me…
BLAZERS 43-38

Friday November 12th

Boise State at Idaho
A “tough” instate rivalry is on tap for “Prime Time Friday Night….”
It’s called the “Boise State – Idaho Rivalry” and it’s played for the Governors Cup
I think the Trophy looks like a Potato
BRONCOS 113-3

Saturday November 13th

Southern Miss at Central Florida
I know my boys from Hattiesburg have taken it on the chin as of late….
But I have faith in this one…
GOLDEN EAGLES 41-38

Boston College at Duke
I don’t know what’s gotten into the Blue Devils lately…
But the Eagles will put them in their place
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 33-28

Shippensburg at Mercyhurst
It’s against FCC Rules for Lou Holtz to say the names of these teams in succession…
MERCY ME 23-17

Minnesota at Illinois
Here we go again in the Big Ten…
Yet another rivalry of sorts and another “trophy” to play for….
This game is played each year for the “Petrified Tyrannosaurus Turd of Tecumseh”
You have to hand it to those Yankees…
They can make a “trophy” out of damn near anything
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 43-17

Salisbury at Frostburg State
This is my kind of game…..
With a Salisbury Steak and a Frosty Mug of my favorite beverage..
I got so hungry I forgot where I was going with this one..
STEAK and SHAKE 24-17

Robert Morris at Bryant
I didn’t know Coach Bryant had a college named after him….
Bob’s going to get his ass whipped..
BEARS 38-17

Miami at Georgia Tech
This game will depend upon which team or teams decide to show up…
HURRICANES 24-21

Iowa at Northwestern
As you have probably figured out by now….
Every Big Ten game revolves around a rivalry and a trophy
This game is no different…
These teams play for the “Bespeckled Beef Stick of Victory”
I understand it looks eerily similar to the “Petrified Tyrannosaurus Turd of Tecumseh”
EYES of HAWK 33-28

Dickenson at Ursinus
Miss Emily Dickenson better hope she doesn’t get a Ursinus infection…
I hear she has allergies
ALLERGIES U 23-17

Michigan at Purdue
I would like to take this opportunity to make a correction:
I have stated in past articles that Michigan Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” looks like a ten dollar hooker..
That is incorrect and false and I deeply apologize.
With the falling economy she looks like a three dollar hooker, tops.
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding.
WOLVERINES 34-24

Indiana at Wisconsin
Once again we find ourselves playing for another “trophy” in the Big Ten
This game is played annually for the “Tusk of Cheese Meat”
And once again….
I understand it looks very similar to the “Petrified Tyrannosaurus Turd of Tecumseh”
I am starting to sense a trend here..
THE POWER OF CHEESE 34-21

Princeton at Yale
This is a really BIG game in the Ivy League…
And Nobody cares….
Seriously nobody cares…

South Florida at Louisville
I was wrong about the Stronger Cardinals last week….
I won’t make the same mistake this week..
STRONGS CARDINALS 31-24

Ole Miss at Tennessee
This weekend Hootie Snitch comes down from the Baneberry water tower…
The Volunteers get their first conference victory of the season…
Believe it
VOWELS 33-17

Vanderbilt at Kentucky
The Cats become Bowl eligible Saturday…
And that’s No Joke…
JOKERS CATS 31-17

Cincinnati at West Virginia
The folks in West “By God” Virginia know a thing or two about taming wild animals..
Even Cats of Bears…
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

Dayton at Marist
Flyers and Foxes in this one….
Sounds like a typical party at any aviator’s house anywhere in the country
I love those guys…
RED FOXES 24-21

Kansas State at Missouri
MO knows there is more than one way to skin a cat….
Even if it’s a wildcat…
MO’S TIGERS 33-24

Indiana State at Youngstown State
I really don’t understand the people from Indiana State…
What is so scary about naming your team the “Sycamores”?
Run everybody! I see a TREE!
I don’t get it….
PENGUINS 43-10

Liberty at Coastal Carolina
Flamers and Chanticleers….
Sounds like a party at Kenny Chesney’s house…
CHANTICLEERS 24-17

St Francis at Duquesne
They call Francis the “Red Flash”..
He ought to be ashamed of himself…
DUKES 31-17

Presbyterian at Charleston Southern
Pirates and Blue Ho’s…..
That doesn’t sound a Disney movie to me….
BUCCANEERS 33-31

Iowa State at Colorado
I want to clear up an ugly rumor concerning the Buffalo Football program….
Wynonna Judd will NOT be running on to the field in place of “Ralphie” this Saturday
I understand the University of Colorado doesn’t have a trailer big enough to haul her…
CYCLONES 38-34

Samford at Chattanooga
Every time I see “Samford” the theme from “Samford and Son” get’s in my head..
It’s terribly annoying…
MIGHTY MOCS 34-28

Army at Kent State
West Point has produced some of the finest warriors in our countries history
Kent State on the other hand…
Has produced some of the dumbest war protestors in our countries history…
This close to Patton’s Birthday the boys from West Point better win….
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 33-24

Wake Forest at North Carolina State
The Demon of Deacons gets an exorcism at the hands of a Pack of Wolves…
Or should I have said Paws?
You get the picture…
PACK of WOLVES 34-17

Brigham Young at Colorado State
The Rams have been something less than “Ram Tough” as of late…
So this one is easy..
COUGARS 43-17

Utah at Notre Dame
Two Utes traps a leprechaun under a golden gnome…..
Film at Eleven..
TWO UTES 38-17

Memphis at Marshall
This game is played the day before the anniversary of the Marshall Plane crash…
It took place on 14 November 1970…
I believe in the Herd…
WE ARE MARSHALL 34-24

Central Michigan at Navy
I have finally broken the code on what “Chippewa’s” actually means…
It’s when Ponch and Jon would be confused on CHIPS….
As in: “CHIP a wha?”
MIDSHIPMEN 43-17

Maryland at Virginia
These two teams confuse me….
You never know who you are going to get from week to week…
So this one is a toss-up…
TURTLE-MEN 28-24

Virginia Tech at North Carolina
Call me crazy if you want too….
It’s nothing I haven’t heard from Mental Health Professionals
UPSET SPECIAL!
HOKEY POKEY 31-28

Syracuse at Rutgers
I am willing to continue my experiment in “reverse prognostication”
OTTO the ORANGE 31-24

Penn State at Ohio State
This game could easily qualify as “abuse of the elderly”
Poor Joe Pa….
BUCKEYES 43-17

Rice at Tulane
These two teams are like so many others….
One week they look like Champions and the next week they look like Chumps…
It’s gamble to pick them, but that’s why you love me…
MY FAVORITE PUDDING 28-24

Muhlenberg at Moravian
I have a question….
If you live in Moravian, does that make you a Moron or Moravianian?
I’m just asking…
MULE GIRL 24-21

Georgia at Auburn
This game is “The Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry”
Normally this game is closer than a Gillette Four Blade Shave….
But not this year…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 38-17

Washington State at Oregon State
Someone wrote me the other week if I would “shave points on the beavers”..
There are so many things I could write about that..
But this is a family column.
MIGHTY BEAVERS 34-17

San Diego State at Texas Christian
The Ancient Aztecs should have sacrificed frogs instead of human beings…
They might have fared better here..
HORNED FROGS 48-10

New Mexico at Air Force
Isn’t there a bombing range in New Mexico?
I thought so….
MIGHTY FALCONS 43-24

Texas A&M at Baylor
This old Southwest Conference Rivalry is called…
“The Battle of the Brazos”
I say this about that….
GIG EM AGGIES 33-28

UTEP at Arkansas
Before the Miners hear..” O’ Say can you see..”
They will be two touchdowns behind..
HAWGS 48-17

Louisiana Monroe at LSU
Poor ole Monroe gets’s eaten by a Tiger….
Don’t let the children watch..
FIGHTN TIGERS 43-17

Carson Newman at Tusculum
I find it disturbing that Coach Spark’s boys have to play a pesky lung disease
SPARKS EAGLES 38-24

South Carolina at Florida
Coach Steve has an unwelcome homecoming to the swamp….
MIGHTY GATORS 28-21

Mississippi State at Alabama
There is going to be a Tussle in T-Town on Saturday Night
and it will be close…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

Oregon at California
I wish I cared, but I don’t….
QUACKERS 116-3

Stanford at Arizona State
I was going to watch this game….
But I have to re-arrange my sock drawer…
Sorry, I scheduled it months ago..
CARDINAL 33-24

Southern California at Arizona
Lame Kitten is too coaching what Siegfried and Roy are to heterosexuality…
LAME CHEATERS 6-5

Tulsa at Houston
The once Mighty Cougars are one injury short of using sock monkeys in the lineup…
GOLDEN HURRICANES 31-17

Louisiana Tech at New Mexico State
These Bulldogs are bad and not in a “good” way…
PISTOL PETE 33-17

North Alabama at Harding
The Lions of Florence will have their hands full with Harding…
Those boys are tough and this game will come down to the wire…
MIGHTY LIONS 28-24

Clemson at Florida State
This game will come down to who has the ball last….
I won’t call this an upset special either..
DABO’S TIGERS 31-28

Wyoming at UNLV
Two of the worse teams in college football meet Saturday…
But I have a question…
If at the end of four quarters and the score is tied at Zero….
Will they still have to play overtime?
I Pray not….
COWBOY UP! 3-2

Nevada at Fresno State
Bulldogs and Wolves in this one….
But make no mistake, this one is over before it starts..
PACKS of WOLVES 43-24

Oklahoma State at Texas
Now for my experiment in “reverse prognostication” as described earlier in the column
COWBOY UP! 34-24

Texas Tech at Oklahoma
The Red Raiders shocked Mo’s Tigers last week (and Myself) with a huge win…
No such luck this week…
BOOMER SOONERS 33-24

Kansas at Nebraska
Dorothy….
You damn sure aren’t in Kansas anymore…
This is Children of the Corn Country…
MIGHTY HUSKERS 34-17

Enjoy your games…..

Your Marine Corps Birthday and Veterans Day

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Everyone take your seats….
Class is in session

Just relax….
Now is no time to panic…..
It’s only the first week…

Time for a quick review before we move on to this week’s college football picks

The Ohio State Buckeyes are even better than advertised

The Kansas Jayhawks are considering a sponsorship from Hoover Vacuum Cleaner Company, thus allowing Hoover to use the motto:
“Our vacuums suck almost as much as the Kansas Football Team”

The North Carolina Tar Heels don’t have any quit in them…

Jacksonville State Gamecocks (See Above and Congratulations)

Phil Fulmer can still consume an entire 1977 Buick if it’s covered in butter and lard.

The Gator Fans wish Tim had at least another year of eligibility

Since the national pollsters were forced to “break-up” with the Southern California Trojans…..
They have found a “new love” in the Boise State Broncos.

Pam Wards voice made ear’s bleed across the state of Illinois last Saturday

The Ole Miss Rebels are currently searching EBay for a “used or previously owned” time machine.

The once proud Southern California Trojans defense; isn’t.

I still love Stevie Nicks

Lou Holtz can’t pronounce “suffering succotash”….
Without splattering the studio cameras and Mark May with spit.

Kenny Chesney is still the Elton John of country music.

And Lastly Class…..
Saturday’s College Football Games will be played on September 11th….
So let me say this in my deep Southern drawl so you get the message loud and clear.
“Hell No, I won’t ever forget and neither should any of you”

Enjoy your picks…

PRE GAME WARM-UP

Before we move to this week’s games….
I should note your favorite college football prognosticator was 72 and 10 or a substandard 88% for the first week of the season.

Like I said…
This is no time to panic; there is a lot of football to be played, so let’s get to the picks

THE PICKS

Thursday September 9th

Central Michigan at Temple
I wonder if “Chippewa’s” in the Native American language means…
“Two Utes”?
I know, sometimes I think too much…
TWO UTES from Michigan 34-28

Auburn at Mississippi State
No Upset Special here
Bulldog Jim, this one is for you….
DAN’S DAWGS 31-28

Friday September 10th

West Virginia at Marshall
This game is known as…
“The Friends of Coal Bowl” and it is played for the Governors Cup
What this game actually is…..
Is a good fashioned fist fight for instate bragging rights…
And that my friends is more important than anything.
MOUNTAINEERS 31-24

UTEP at Houston
I know El Paso doesn’t have anything to do with what I am about to say…
But is it just me, or if you stare at “UTEP” on the screen…
Does it not start looking like “TWO UTES” after about five minutes?
It’s just me? Ok, then never mind…
COUGARS 43-24

Saturday September 11th

Hawaii at Army
It’s September the 11th and Army will be spoiling for a fight…
Believe it…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 33-31

EDITORS NOTE: If the West Point Football Coaching staff can’t motivate the Black Knights to win this game on September 11th, they should all be fired on the spot down to the damn equipment manager.

Garner Webb at Akron
I am still confused as to why Akron has a Kangaroo for a mascot named “Zippy”
It just goes to show you that I have been right all along….
Living in such close proximity to the Arctic Circle causes brain damage.
ZIPPERS 24-17

Juniata at Susquehanna
One of my favorite games of the year….
The two toughest girls from the trailer park square off for bragging rights…
Juniata although well over 300 pounds looks quick as a cat in her pink “Baby Girl” sweat pants, but it does look like she has about fifteen hundred dollars worth of hail damage when seen from the rear.
Then there is Susquehanna…
She is rumored to carry a variety of weaponry in her “over the top” beehive hairdo, to include a sharpened nail file, along with an engine block from a 1967 Oldsmobile and a claw hammer.
This should be a tussle for the ages….
I am going with….
SUSQUEHANNA 2 out of 3 Falls

San Jose State at Wisconsin
Behold the Power of Cheese Whiz
BADGERS 38-10

Illinois State at Northwestern
I am not convinced the Wildcats are for real, but I am sure the Redbirds aren’t
CATS 34-10

Western Illinois at Purdue
“Leather Necks and Boilermakers”….
Sounds like a Saturday night at the Club in Camp Lejeune……
BOILERMAKERS 33-10

Georgia at South Carolina
This game will come down to who has the ball last….
Don’t leave your seats…
GAMECOCKS 24-23

South Dakota at Minnesota
Coyotes and Gophers….
This game sounds like a Loony Tune Cartoon…
O’ so very GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-17

Duke at Wake Forest
“Blue Devils and Demon Deacons”
That sounds like a game of naked Twister at Jimmy Swaggart’s house
DEMON DEACONS 28-17

Georgia Tech at Kansas
It is my understanding, in an effort to “revitalize” the Jay Hawk offense…
They have renamed the starting Kansas backfield “Dorothy and Toto”
Not that it will help in this game…
YELLOW JACKETS 38-10

Texas Southern at Connecticut
The Tigers won’t win this game…
But they do have “The Ocean of Soul Marching Band”
Which doesn’t equate to points, but they are really cool.
HUSKIES 34-10

Florida Atlantic at Michigan State
The Atlantic Owls would play better in this game if they were closer to the ocean..
But unfortunately they are near the Great Lakes, sorry.
SPARTANS 33-13

Indiana State at Cincinnati
I just have to ask…..
What is supposed to be so scary about a bunch of “Sycamores”?
Why not just call them the “Itchy Ivy” or “Poison Sumac”
That would at least frightened some people…
BEARKATS 34-10

Memphis at East Carolina
The Elvis Tigers are playing more like “Velvet Elvis’s” than Tigers
PIRATES 31-17

South Florida at Florida
The Mighty Gators better be ready this Saturday
Coach Holtz and the Boys from Tampa are motivated, and that’s no Bull.
MIGHTY GATORS 31-17

Idaho at Nebraska
You say; “Ida Ho”, I say “Ho Down”…..
CHILDERN OF THE CORN 44-10

South Dakota State at Delaware
I don’t know if a Jackrabbit can beat a Blue Hen…
But we are about to find out…
BLUE HENS 31-27

New Hampshire at Pittsburgh
I didn’t even know the folks in Hampshire played football…
I thought they were more into clubbing baby seals…
Who knew?
PANTHERS 41-10

Old Dominion at Campbell
This game will have for your viewing pleasure….
“Monarchs’ and Fighting Camels”
And the “mascot” for the Fighting Camels is called “Gaylord”
I’m serious….Gaylord the Fighting Camel
Who thinks this crap up?
MONARCHS’ 23-21

James Madison at Virginia Tech
I don’t about Jimmy, but his wife Dolly sure does make some tasty donuts.
HOKIES 43-10

Georgia Southern at Navy
The Eagles of Southern will have the Statesboro Blues by the time this one is over
MIDSHIPMEN 31-21

Eastern Kentucky at Louisville
Charlie’s Cardinal’s will have the Colonels reduced to Lance Corporals by halftime
Believe it….
CARDINALS 38-10

Florida State at Oklahoma
This is going to be a slugfest from start to finish…
Both teams are going to find out what they are made of here.
BOOMER SOONERS 28-24

Michigan at Notre Dame
This game leads me to an age old philosophical question….
Can’t they both lose?
FIGHTING IRISH 33-31

Colorado at California
I wonder if the California Bear mascot is named “Gaylord”
That would be appropriate…
GAYLORDS 3-2

Iowa State at Iowa
This instate rivalry is played each year of the coveted Cy-Hawk Trophy
Which, to the best of my knowledge…..
Will remain at the University of Iowa until Hell freezes over.
HAWKS EYES 33-14

Valdosta State at Newberry
They used to be the “Newberry Indians” but that was demeaned racist by the Nazis at the NCAA..
So now the are the Wolves or something. It’s sad really…
BLAZERS 33-17

Presbyterian at Clemson
I am convinced through my exhaustive research…
That the term “Blue Ho’s” refers to a group of female Smurfs…
Who have fallen on hard times and or who have a drug habit, which is just tragic.
DABO’S TIGERS 38-10

Kent State at Boston College
Every time I hear “Golden Flashes” I think Grandpa escaped from the home and got naked in Wal-Mart (again)
GOLDEN EAGLES 38-10

Miami at Ohio State
The Buckeye defense will smother the Hurricanes
Believe it….
BUCKEYES 34-17

Brigham Young at Air Force
I don’t want to think about the Falcons losing to the folks from Donny and Marie Land.
So I won’t
COUGARS 33-17

UNLV at Utah
Little known fact….
“UNLV” in Latin means…” Duo Adulescens”
Which as we all know means….
TWO UTES 38-10

Morgan State at Maryland
First things first…
Congratulations to the Ninja Turtles for getting the crabs from Navy last week
I only hope you got the proper ointment for them before this week’s game.
NINJA TURTLES 34-13

Ursinus at Franklin Marshall
I wonder if Franklin Marshall ever had a Ursinus infection?
I know I couldn’t help myself…

McNeese State at Missouri
Mo knows how to kick a cowboys butt….
If he doesn’t Curley certainly does…
MO’S TIGERS 34-10

Wyoming at Texas
These Cowboys get stampeded by the runaway Longhorns…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-13

Chattanooga at Jacksonville State
After last Saturday…..
I wouldn’t pick against the Gamecocks if there were playing the New England Patriots
GAMECOCKS 33-28

Montana State at Washington State
I wish I could generate some interest in this game….
But I can’t…
I DON’T CARE AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU 3-2

Toledo at Ohio
The Rockets of Toledo remind me of a pack of wet firecrackers….
FRANK’S BOBCATS 31-10

Louisiana Tech at Texas A&M
These dogs haven’t seen anything like “Reveille” at Kyle Field…
Play the “Aggie War Hymn” all night long….
GIG EM AGGIES 44-17

Louisiana Monroe at Arkansas
Poor ole Monroe, he is getting ready to be introduced too…
An Arkansas Ass Whipping…
RAZORBACKS 43-10

LSU at Vanderbilt
The Music City Commodores will keep this one closer than you might think
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 31-23

Penn State at Alabama
A Classic Rivalry between two historical programs
The memories of these clashes are never far from my mind…
This one will be no different…
CRIMSON TIDE 31-17

Oregon at Tennessee
This game is like trying to pick a winner in a war between Iran and Syria
VOWELS 24-23

Syracuse at Washington
One question: If Otto the Orange drinks orange juice does that make him a cannibal?
Just wondering…
HUSKIES 31-10

Jackson State at Tennessee State
This game has produced some of the greatest legends of the game….
Walter Payton, Coach “Big John” Merritt, Jefferson Street Joe Gilliam and too many others to mention here and I miss them all.
And just for the record….
The Sonic Boom of the South Marching Band isn’t too bad either…
TIGERS 28-24

Troy at Oklahoma State
I believe the Prairie Wind is getting ready to touch Troy in the naughty place.
COWBOY UP! 38-17

North Alabama at Glenville State
The Lions of Florence are the real deal..
Believe it…
MIGHTY LIONS 33-28

Tennessee Tech at Texas Christian
This game is going to be uglier than Rita Rodriguez in a bikini…
HORNED FROGS 44-0

Bowling Green at Tulsa
I still think “Golden Hurricanes” sounds dirty…
HURRICANES OF GOLD 31-24

Puget Sound at Occidental
This is dumb…
Who ever heard of being “Occidental Prone”
If your going to name your school, then at least get it right…
OXYMORONS 17-10

Rice at North Texas
I believe in the power of my favorite pudding…
Sometimes….
RICE PUDDING 27-23

Missouri State at Kansas State
The Missouri bears should have gone into hibernation sooner…
WILDCATS 34-10

Western Kentucky at Kentucky
Another instate battle for supremacy in the Blue Grass…
Not really, I was just trying to hype the game…
JOKER’S CATS 44-10

Southern Illinois at Illinois
This game features two mascots that are hard to pronounce and don’t make any sense…
“Salukis and Fighting Illini”
Which when said together quickly sounds like a fungus…
FIGHTNING PUMPKINS 28-14

Millsaps at LaGrange College
Ronnie Millsaps is playing ZZ Top?
He is blind as a bat…..
I hope he doesn’t get himself killed…
But just writing LaGrange, I can hear Billy Gibbons now…..
HAW HAW HAW 33-10

North Carolina State at Central Florida
This one is a Toss up for me….
But I like the boys from Disney World…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 28-24

Rutgers at Florida International
Note to the folks at Florida “International”
Just because you have an airport close to your college doesn’t make you “International”
SCARLET KNIGHTS 33-17

UAB at Southern Methodist
The Blazers will be set on fire by the Mighty Mustangs of SMU…
(Thought that one up in a moment of brilliance)
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-24

San Diego State at New Mexico State
The Aggies were forced to give up their mascot “Pistol Pete” because he had a foam rubber gun and now they have the ridiculous “Lasso Larry” or some such thing…
The weirdo’s from the left coast thought that the “Aztec” mascot was somehow degrading to a culture that doesn’t exist and that believed in ritual human sacrifice.
At least the alumni at New Mexico State complained….
PISTOL PETE 33-28

Texas Tech at New Mexico
The Lobos take a Low Blow like a Hobo in this Big Show
(I came up with that one all by myself)
GET THOSE GUNS UP! RED RAIDERS! 34-10

Ole Miss at Tulane
Look on the bright side Green Wave fans…
No matter what happens this Saturday
You didn’t lose to Jacksonville State…
REBELS 31-17

Montana at Cal Poly
The Mighty Grizzlies of Montana are for real….
And the folks from Polly…….
Well, they are from California.
GRIZZ 38-10

Northern Arizona at Arizona State
This instate tussle is played for the “Cactus A’ Plenty” Trophy…
Not really, I just made that up…
DEVILS OF THE SUN 38-13

Citadel at Arizona
The Boys from the Military College of South Carolina won’t enjoy their trip out west.
WILDCATS 38-10

Colorado State at Nevada
The Rams let me down last week….
They won’t this week….
WOLFPACK 33-10

Virginia at Southern California
I would rather stare at an Ant Farm for three hours than watch this game…
LAME CHEATERS 7-3

Stanford at UCLA
The History of Hand Puppets is on the Public Access Channel…
Or I would make a real effort to catch this game.
CARDINAL 24-20

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I ask you….
Who got treats and who got tricked this weekend?

The Homers of Indiana certainly got “tricked” into believing a two touchdown lead was enough to beat the Iowa Hawkeyes.

And the South Carolina Gamecocks had more than enough “Butterfingers” to start the game in Knoxville, which counted as a tasty “treat” for the Volunteers.

But perhaps the best treat of all was watching the Trojans get the hell quacked of them.

Let’s take a look back at the Halloween games and answer a few of your emails….

Don’t be afraid, there’s nothing to be scared of…

TEAM NEWS

PENN STATE: In an effort to eliminate any reference to a “cross”, the “six” students that protested the recent student T-shirt promoting the Lion football team, will ceremoniously burn all Christopher Cross records on the Happy Valley campus.

TENNESSEE: I had a feeling the Volunteers were going to have a “uniform” change…
My Gay-Dar was going off before kickoff…

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously, the black jerseys look stupid, just so you know.

GEORGIA: See “Tennessee” above and substitute “Helmets” for jerseys.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

OREGON STATE: Beaver Jim, I finally got one right…..

ILLINOIS: What was I thinking going against the “Fighting Pumpkins” on Halloween?

NORTH ALABAMA: The Lions of Florence are for real this year….
Is another National Championship in their future? I sure hope so…

VIRGINIA TECH: It’s getting close to Thanksgiving..
So you Turkeys better get it together or you your season is going to be cooked.

AUBURN: Didn’t I tell you the Tigers would beat Ole Miss? Who loves you?

WEST VIRGINIA: Come on Mountaineers, there are people in Morgantown with couches that need to be burned.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! You got quacked!

TEXAS: I don’t think the “Prairie Wind” touched any of the Mighty Longhorns on Saturday Night.
The questions, can anybody else touch them before the Big 12 Championship game?

EDITORS NOTE: The above was in no way a reference to MC Hammer, so you can’t touch this..

OREGON: Quack Attack, indeed. Congratulations.

LSU: For my Mighty Tiger fans in honor of Halloween….

Click here to view the embedded video.

CHATTANOOGA: Nice win Moccasins, very nice win.

MICHIGAN: It was erroneously reported that Coach Rod’s wife was dressed as a “witch” on Halloween
for the wolverine game with Illinois. This is incorrect and hurtful.
She was dressed as herself, she just looks and acts like a witch, there’s a difference.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: I guess the Bulldogs did tree the Cats, sorry I doubted you Bully.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Pete, you want a quacker? HAAAAAAAAAA!

NCAA: Now that your media sweethearts won’t be eligible for the National Championship…
You think we might find out what the status is on that big “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

EMAIL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: Dear sir
I have been really angered by the obviously biased calls for the best coach that ever lived, Bobby Bowden, to retire.
I watched the entire GREAT triumph over NC State today and I am certain that Coach Bowden acts like a coach better than anyone around.
Did you see him waive his hands and point? Just like a normal coach would do.
Did you see him get excited and break into a little bit of a geezer trot when he was trying to get Damotok’s attention?
Joe Pa’s not even that fast.
Now I will give you the fact that he did look a little disoriented when he walked out on the field for the post game handshake but, hey, he knew he was supposed to do something when the final gun sounded!! So, leave my Coach alone all you naysayers!
Solomon in Sopchopee

A: Bobby is so old he remembers when being “disoriented” meant you got lost in Tokyo.

Q: Dear Sir,
There’s been all kind of stories going around but one has left me scratching my head.
Is it true that my beloved Dawgs had a couple of drives stall yesterday because our quarterback, Joe Cox, has a revoked license?
Just wondering
Lemuel in Ludowici

A: The Cocktail Party’s over Lemuel, back away from the alcohol.

Q: Dear Sir,
I just want to let you know that my Georgia State Panthers kick off their inaugural season next year!!! Our head coach, Bill Curry, is cooking up something extra special cause our first game is against those Alabama Crimson Tide boys!!!
I’m looking for a big win there and maybe an undefeated season!!
Then its National Championship time!!!
Only 309 days til kickoff!
Albert in Alpharetta

A: Does the term “Beat Down of a Lifetime” mean anything to you Albert?

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
This week while we’ve been practicing I’ve been seeing all these pictures all over the place. In the locker room, in the weight room, heck, even in the bathroom stalls there are pictures of Florida beating us, pictures of the scoreboard of the 49-10 beat down we took, and even Urban Myers calling timeout. So, I’ve just got this to say.
I’m convinced. In fact I’m so convinced that I’ve called Gainesville and talked to them about transferring. Heck, Tebow leaves this year and they’ll need a new quarterback next year. Do you think that I’ve got any eligibility left if I leave now?
Thanks
Joe Cox

A: It’s over Joe, just let it go…..

Q: Mike, I hate to ask…
But what costume did Hootie Snitch wear on Halloween this year?
Chip – Pensacola, Florida

A: I didn’t see it Chip….
But I was told it looked like a unicorn wearing a gimp mask….
Sorry for the visual.

Q: As commissioner of the Southeastern Conference, I would appreciate if you would publish this letter on your popular website:
To all,
I would just like to thank you for making this one of the most exciting football seasons in recent Florida Gator history. We here at the SEC, in an attempt to maintain our superiority over other conferences in the country, would just like to fill you in on our exciting new policy. Our intent is to make sure we have a premier team represent the SEC, and YOU the fan, in the Championship game every year. What with Tim Tebow being the media darling that he is, we felt it necessary to give him an appropriate show of love for his Senior season. With that being said, please stop raising such a fuss on the questionable calls made by our officiating crews during games with Florida. It’s all a grand plan from which every deserving SEC school will receive their shot at a National Championship. Our plan is to get Alabama to the table next year, and if their offense continues to improve, we’ll get LSU back in 2011. Afterward, we’ll look at the remaining schools who have not represented our fair conference in the National Championship game for future consideration. Well, all but Georgia, Vandy, and Mississippi State. They’re going nowhere fast.
Best wishes,
Mike Slive
Commissioner
Southeastern Conference
P.S. Tell Lane Kiffin that he’d better keep his mouth shut or the only post season bowl they’ll be playing in is the Igloo Bowl in Anchorage Alaska. And we’ll put it on Pay Per View

A: Ouch…..

Q: Mr Wizard,
I’m really pumped about my Tennessee Volunteers football team this year. We have had a great season so far. We almost beat Florida a couple of weeks ago.
We REEEEEEEEEEEEEEAlly almost beat Alabama last week.
We beat South Carolina and that smartass Coach Genius and I’m very, very excited.
But with the way our team is playing I feel real good about our chances.
Mr. Wizard how bad do you think we might almost beat the rest of the teams on our schedule this year?
Go Vols!!!
Minday in Memphis

A: I think you will “almost” win the remainder of your games this year…

Q: Dear Sir,
Hey there Mr Smarty Pants. All you Bamer folks thought you pulled a fast one on me when you THOUGHT you cut off the sound to my headset on Saturday. Shows how smart ya’ll are. I was listening to the entire compilation of the Barney the Dinosaur tunes on my cassett deck I had stuffed in my pocket. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
My daddy was the only one you messed up and he only coaches the defense, and that’s really not that important.
So keep trying CHEATERS!!
Like I said after the game, we’re gonna beat you next year!!!
Or the year after. Or the year after that.
I love you, you love me!!
We’ll beat you in 2023!!!
Go Vols!!!
Lane Kiffin

A: See you in OBknoxville next year Jackass….

Have a great week folks….
Your Week 10 Picks will be out later in the week..
So stay tuned..

RTR
MEB